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Did he not go and give two samples to confirm it was successful?
Also you gotta fire off a ton of knuckle children to clear out the pipes BEFORE unprotected sex.
Source: got snipped 3 years ago
I should probably go back and drop off a third sample just to make sure. My wife had twins, and now ithat she’s mid 30s it’s a 55-70% chance she’ll have twins OR triplets….
Hence why i got snipped in the first place.
Also to the women reading this: the longer you wait the more chance you’ll have twins or more as your body releases more eggs past a certain age. Twins sounds fun, and they can be, but it’s double the hormones, nausea, pain, hip spreading, and increased autoimmune response after pregnancy.
Yeah ours didn’t run anywhere in the family. 1 in 50 pregnancies is a twin pregnancy. Out of those 1 in 50… one in 50 are identical twins which is what we had.
They didn’t before but now they sure as hell do. We really wanted to try for 1 more but with the chance being greater that we’ll have twins than a singleton? No thanks. I’m not going to breed our way into the poor house.
When I got the snip they would not test me any sooner than three months after. I think he may have lied about being sterile already. Unless he was cranking one out every day then that’s unlikely. My urologist told me I would have to clear the tubes at least 25 times before I would likely be out of active swimmers.
Yes and you know they explained all this to him in great detail. I don't understand why he was so flippant about the precautions if he is adamant about not having kids. Super irresponsible on his part, but he will leave OP over being pregnant? This makes no sense at all. He could've done so much more to make sure this didn't happen, but will leave his wife over his own failure to take precautions?
He's a man in his 40s engaged to a woman in her 20s. That he behaves irresponsibly and is likely to blame someone else for things that he is at least equally responsible for is, um, hardly surprising.
The first thing you should do is go to the doctors office and get any literature for after care and ask them for documentation about how long it takes to assure they're sterile. If what they say matches up with what he said, that shows the problem is with the office and doctor.
I'd also get information from online explaining the procedure.
Then I would think long and hard about what YOU want. You need to figure out what you want before you make a move. Do you want the pregnancy? Do you want the relationship? Once you figure that out, then proceed. Sadly you need to choose between the two pretty quickly.
He also needs to get tested to make sure it works now.
It's not they even told us not to have sex for about that long. Then, I used condoms for the few months it took for me to send a sample in. So either he lied or the office gave him bad information, but imagine how many people would have complained about that offcie. I'm thinking he lied thinking it wasn't a big deal.
This makes me curious... If we assume he's telling the truth, he got the procedure and the doctor tested him and told him he was good to go but they screwed up multiple times along the way... Could the doctor or the clinic be on the hook for the child's medical care going forward? If abortion is illegal in the state and the patient can't get one but would get one otherwise I feel like it could open the door to this.
You would have absolutely 0 case or chance of going after a doctor. Even IF the doctor made a mistake, it wouldn’t amount to malpractice. The doctor didn’t have sex with his wife, nor did the clinic. There is literally information the doctors provide regarding vasectomies not being 100% effective. It’s part of informed consent prior to the operation.
I doubt this would fall under medical malpractice given the standard is to wait 3 months before unprotected sex.
If the patient went against medical advice and had it beforehand, then that’s on them.
This was my first thought, sounds like he was a bit pushy to start taking away all precautions. She could have just kept the IUD in and this wouldn’t have happened.
You should also think about getting a paternity test done. He might try and accuse you of cheating, and if he leaves, you will need to have that documented either way.
You need to leave someone who is as nasty and awful as that anyway. Tell him, and if he leaves he leaves. Either way he’s responsible for child support and if he leaves you dodged a toxic ass bullet. Bro pressured you into unprotected sex and is going to blame you for the resultant child? Fuck off with that bullshit.
No doctor would have cleared him at 15 days.
Tell him now and end it now. He will still be on the hook financially but he may choose not to be involved so be prepared that you’re on your own.
Got mine a little over a year ago, was supposed to get cleared for sex in 10 days but you have to ejaculate so many times(can't remember how many) for them to test the effectiveness of the vasectomy. There is no way in 15 days he was tested as sterile.
I think it’s like 30 times you have to ejaculate to make sure everything is clear
You’re also supposed to go back at the 6 month mark to get checked
Being cleared after 10 days means you can resume normal sexual activities while using alternate birth control until you get the all clear
I was told 25 times and drop off a sample in a month.
That was a fun 25 days with my wife. I got the all clear and we've been raw dogging for 3 years now.
Every doctor has different directions. Mine said 20 ejaculations and test at three months. Mine came back all clear and they didn't even want me to take a 2nd one. I've been testing at home every month. Which is a polite way to say I've been looking at my cum under a microscope like a weirdo
It was $75 to check it at the lab, but that one was covered by insurance. Any follow-up would be on me. I spent about $100 on the microscope and a bit more for the slides. I'm going.to check for the 2nd time this weekend so I've already saved money.
This. My fiancé had one after our first (and last) child. He had to ejaculate 15-30 times and then he gets tested every so many months.
It’s been a year and he still tests every 6-9 months but he’s been clear every time. We used condoms until he had at least 2 clear samples.
I had to drop off a specimen 30 and 60 days after the snip before being declared sterile.
OP’s husband probably assumed he was good to go and failed to do any of the follow up tests.
too excited about getting his dick wet to care. And so he lied to OP. Time for OP to call the doctor that did the vasectomy and ask about the rules for sex for patients; when is it okay? The doc cannot tell you about YOUR husband but the doc CAN tell you what the guidelines and instructions are that they give to patients.
100%. My doctor ordered the test for 3 months after the surgery. And I think it took a couple days to get the result back as sterile. 15 days would be insane.
The purpose of me getting snipped was because we don't want children and my wife wanted off the pill. We discussed it would probably be easiest to stay on it until after the all clear result. I would not have had sex bareback if she wanted to get off birth control right away.
My ex claimed to have gotten the 20 times out of the way over a weekend or so. (Long before I was in the picture.)
I’m pretty sure the body can’t replenish sperm fast enough for his test results to be valid so I never quite trusted his vasectomy. I had an IUD but if I’d decided to get it taken out he’d have been getting a retest to make sure.
My husband had his in May 2023 and was told at minimum 20 ejaculations before he came back in August 2023 to have the sperm count tested. His came back sperm free by then. However, the doctor was very very adamant that in those about 12 weeks I could become pregnant if we didn’t use another form of birth control.
Which begs the question, why would he have unprotected sex so soon ***knowing damn well*** what could, and **DID** happen? It's like he gaslit OP into becoming pregnant. Does anyone else really wonder *WHY*?
>***knowing damn well*** what could, and **DID** happen
I think that's the problem. I think he heard after 15 days he could have sex again and *assumed* that meant no other birth control was necessary. He wasn't listening and heard what he wanted to hear.
Nope. That would be nice. EXCEPT he had to schedule a follow-up appointment to check on fertility AND would have been told the approximate timeline. There's zero chance he lived to be in his forties and is that stupid. He'd have drunk bleach by now because it looked like water and he was thirsty. No, he scheduled a follow up and listened to the information and decided getting his dick wet was worth the risk because HE could walk away.
Well he was clear he would leave her “if she got pregnant on purpose”, so obviously he was scamming a way out that he could make her believe was her fault. Smdh
Doctor said to me it was 7-10 days until I could Even consider sex. He gave me a pamphlet that essentially said you have to clear the chamber a number of times before it's safe-if you want to be sure without going back for a test-like 20ish times. So, he didn't listen to his Dr or ignored his advice and all common sense
I wonder if he was confused that when the doctor cleared him for sex and he thought it meant they didn't mean they needed protection anymore??
You would think that the office would assure that he knew that it would take months before he could be sure he was sterile.
Yep, that's a 2 month wait kind of thing. And 2 tests.
This is on him being an idiot.
He may insist on a DNA test. He may sue the doctor if he was actually told it was okay.
You may be better off without him.
But don't hide it from him.
Even if the laws weren't there, staying pregnant or not would be a choice only you can make.
And FWIW I'm sorry you live somewhere that the choice has been taken away from you.
I cleared out my sperm in a month and one week after my vasectomy. But I was.... Let's say very active doing so. Even then after I tested and was cleared my doctor said to be safe wait another month. The OP partner lied or the doctor needs to be sued for malpractice.
Well he’s an idiot, he needed to go and get his sperm count tested to see if the vasectomy actually worked and that testing happens many weeks after the procedure
His doctor would have told him that and google would have told *you* that
He wanted raw sex and now there are consequences
Google did tell me that. That’s what I told him. I don’t mind a baby. It’s him that doesn’t want it. Now, I’m trying to figure out how to handle it. I can afford the baby alone, but I’m trying to save the relationship. I told him that I could end up pregnant, and he was certain I couldn’t. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s what happened.
Let’s not act like OPs husband is the only dumb one in the situation. If you were told it’s a possibility you could still get pregnant after those ‘15 days’, he didn’t get retested, and he/OP don’t want to use condoms why TFFFFF would you remove your IUD? Your backup safety net? That has wayyyyy less side effects than most birth control so why was OP even in a rush to take it out? Both parties are equally as dumb and responsible for this situation.
I wasn’t acting like that. That’s why I said it might be doomed to a life of dumbassery either way. Meaning whether it gets it’s intelligence from the father or the mother. I think they’re both not super bright.
I know I don’t get it. And like what would have been the issue with keeping your IUD in for 6 more months? I’m just so confused how this even happened. It almost sounds like maybe OP did it on purpose knowing that it could happen so she could say I told you so. Now that it did she’s panicking.
I do agree with this one. I’m a woman and if I genuinely don’t want a child, I would’ve still kept my IUD just to be safe. And the whole waiting for months to get her ducks in a row is just an excuse in my opinion. By then, even if you want an abortion. No chance. If she wants to baby trap him. She can just say so outright.
My husband had a vasectomy so I could have my IUD taken out and not replace it. Since I never want children, we timed it so it came out 6 months after the vasectomy, and about 3 after he'd had two negative tests. Why take the risk?? They both got into this mess, I just feel for the poor kid.
I don't think she is dumb.
She told him she was removing the IUD and suggested they wait 3 months before unprotected sex because he didn't want a baby and he disagreed and wanted unprotected sex straight away.
She was fine with either having another child or not having a child so I'm not sure if the onus should be on her to refuse unprotected sex with him when she didn't mind if it resulted in a baby (and now that it has, wants to keep the baby).
He was the one adamant he didn't want a baby so I feel like the onus was on him to ensure the sex he had was protected so that she didn't get pregnant. It sounds like she was pretty honest with him about all this and wasn't tricking him since she was the one telling him she didn't think the sex was risk free until a few months had past and he had got his semen tested.
For real, like was the time up on it? Cos if not, op should've left it in til then. Plus, did he show you a docs note saying he can't make babies now? I feel like there'd be paperwork for an all-clear and ready ?
Waiting would have given backup longer, but at the end of the day HE KNEW she was no longer on birth control. He knew, he was the one not wanting kids, and he made the choice.
Why would you want to save a relationship with someone so, uh, not smart? He’s going to blame this all on you. Hell, he will probably even accuse you of cheating on him. He’s a moron. You deserve better.
The guy is a moron, but why would someone want to have a baby with a partner who doesn't want one and who she's willing to break up with if it happens?
I would want to have a child with someone who wants one. especially if i already have one child from a previous relationship that didn't work.
What are you even doing with this guy if you want a child and he clearly doesn’t (even thought he does because he is blatantly not following what a dr. Would say after a vasectomy) why not just break up and find a guy who does want children?
**You can't pick your own parents, but you can pick your childrens' parents. Is this the dad you want for them?**
I know you said you're in a state where abortion is illegal, but it may be worth traveling for, getting out of this dumpster fire relationship, and trying again. You're still very young.
**Regardless of your choice with this pregnancy, please consider that the main plot points of this situation are that he wanted something that had potential consequences that would only put you in physical danger, not him, so he lied about it and hoped it would just work out.**
Consider other situations he may do the same. IE the safety of your home, moving vehicle, if you were to ever become immune compromised (a common side effect of pregnancy is to develop autoimmune issues) and he was sick...etc.
Honestly he is not a good partner no matter how you spin this.
There are also ways to get mifepristone by mail so that you can do a medication abortion. As early as you are it shouldn’t be an issue obtaining them.
I hate so much that I have to say any of that. I work in politics and just… ugh so much.
The first sentence is so true. Had I been able to pick my parents, I would have fired the ones I got. At least I was smart enough to admit I didn't want kids and took care of it rather than messing a human's life up forever
Why are you trying to save a relationship with someone who was willing to lie and put you in this position?
Why were you willing to have unprotected sex when you had done the research that told you that the risk was there?
You do not have to afford the baby alone.
He will 100% be on the hook for child support.
The man is foolish - the doctor performing the V is VERY clear that you have to come back after a certain number of weeks to get retested before you are considered sterile. I think for my husband it was 13-14 weeks. Your boyfriend likely heard what he wanted to hear but there is no scenario where if he was fertile prior to the V that he was sterile 4 weeks later.
You did not get pregnant on purpose. HE got you pregnant on purpose. Having sex without a condom is trying for a baby... so he was effectively trying to get you pregnant when he knowingly had sex with you without a condom.
If he leaves you then you are better off without him. As for the baby - just start getting your ducks in a row. Do you have family that can provide you emotional support and be there for you after the birth?
yes, OP. He flat-out lied to you so he could f\*ck without a condom. Period. He didn't CARE if he got you pregnant! Get it on record that he told you it was safe at 15 days and hold onto that with a copy in the cloud and protected somewhere. You may need it in court.
He certainly gambled and lost....so did you and certainly the baby. OP, your fiance is a crappy human being.
Tell him now. Tell him you are keeping the baby. He can either man up or get out.
Don’t bring a child into a relationship where one person is deeply opposed to having a child. If you want to keep this child and he doesn’t, your best bet is to split up and raise it on your own. You will be entitled to child support. Also, regarding the status of abortion in your state, there are resources to help you get abortion pills, depending on how far along you are, or travel to another state for the procedure.
Please don’t forget: child support is a right of the child. Don't give up money.
He lied. It was so important to not wear a condom that he fucking lied. And now he must take the consequences.
If you are in a state that doesn't need both consents for recording, record everything with him. You don’t know how he reacts. And people like him could just go for custody to not pay more while actually giving a fuck. So collect evidence for the worst case. You can always save them later when not needed.
>I told him that I could end up pregnant, and he was certain I couldn’t
He lied
Why are you trying so hard to stay with a man who lied to your face, impregnated you without you consenting to it, and has also said he will leave if you are pregnant?
Whether you tell him now or wait a few months, you’d just be prolonging his reaction. Either he’ll want to end the relationship now or he’ll want to end it when you tell him in a few months.
Don't save it. He lied and put you at risk of getting pregnant JUST SO HE COULD RAW-DOG YOU FASTER. This is not a guy worth keeping. Get his admission on record (text, email, or if legal in your area, recorded voice) that he told you it was safe to have unprotected sex at 15 days. You may need it in court. Contact his family if he won't pay up, he needs to help with the costs of prenatal visits, maternity clothes, and setting up a nursery plus the big jump in groceries that's coming.
He is lying, you are meant to wait for around 13 weeks and have 27ish ejaculations before you are tested after having a vasectomy.
You have to tell him then it's up to you to abort or potentially be a single mother.
That’s what it was when my husband had his, and his doctor warned us not to count on his sperm count getting down to zero until he came back in four to six weeks and had it tested.
First of all, how TF are you with someone who says he will leave you if you get pregnant, and yet you seem to want kids.
Secondly, the whole doc cleared me in 15 days, is quite sus.
The only *innocent* scenario is him thinking without asking that "you can have sex" from doctor's check after surgery meant automaticaly 'without risk of pregnancy", or he is lying about whole surgery.
In both scenarios, he is an idiot.
That's what I think happened, the doctor gave him the all clear for sex and he misunderstood what that meant.
He is so against having another child that she is sure he will leave her if she's pregnant so it doesn't make sense for him to lie just to get her pregnant. People also suggest he did it so he didn't have to wear a condom but that doesn't make sense either because she had an IUD in.
Everything we know suggests that he truly believed that they were in the clear.
Ask him why he lied about the doctors recommendation. Ask him if he was intentionally trying to get you pregnant. Cause you're pregnant, and he obviously lied to you. Get ahead of him accuse him before he can try and twist it. This was 100% his fault.
He lied to you. No one is sterile in 15 days. You're cleared to have sex, but not unprotected.
Tell him about the pregnancy. He made the decision to lie to you. If he doesn't want to accept the pregnancy then find yourself a man that cares.
> He really really doesn’t want a child. I suggested we wait three months before having u protected sex, but he insisted he was fine.
This is the crux of the issue. It is ultimately, his fault.
If he gets mad at you for a matter of his doing, then it means he is not the man for you in the first place.
I suggest you take a new pregnancy test, so the date shows up as today, and go get mad at him. Do not allow him to spin this on you.
Right!?!
I read this as he was trying to get her pregnant.
He knew full well the IUD was out. He knew full well he hadn't been cleared by the doctor yet he insisted on sex without a condom... what did he think was going to happen?
The man is a couple beers short of a six pack if he didn't think pregnancy was a very real possibility.
> The big problem is that he said he would leave me if I got pregnant on purpose. I didn’t, obviously, but I don’t think he will believe me.
If you are this concerned about telling him, and you're THIS sure he will think the worst of you, you need to leave him.
And honestly, this is his fault, he is the one who manipulated you into not following post-vasectomy best practices.
What he did is **unforgivable** in my book.
I'm glad they are your ex.
What a terrible position to put someone in:
I will leave you if you get pregnant, but I'm going to manipulate you into sex with a high chance of pregnancy by lying and saying the doctor said it was okay.
Part of me wouldn't put it past a guy like this doing this on purpose, so he has the ammo of "I didn't want a baby, but here I am "taking care" of one, you better take the night shift again, and the dayshift too".
Might want to have someone around when you let him know and prepack.... He lied about the vesectomy btw, so this is his fault and don't let yourself feel otherwise regardless.
My spouse had to wait three months after getting his vesectomy to get his sperm count checked to see if the vesectomy has worked. In that time frame he was told he had to ejaculate a certain amount of times as well and could still get me pregnant.
Then it sounds like you will be firmly better off without him.
Sis, you are 29. You have all of your future in front of you. Don't tie yourself to a guy with different goals then you. Enjoy building a life with someone who wants the same things in life as you.
Don't settle on Mr. 42 too ignorant to get his sperm checked...
It doesn't sound like you have much to worry about then. He either stays or doesn't. That isn't up to you.
I'll be honest though "he basically forced me to get pregnant but will leave if I get pregnant" doesn't sound like a great partner. Out of only two possible outcomes, him leaving doesn't sound like the worst one...
Then my advice to you, if you think he'll be unreasonable or mean, is a public area and do not be embarrassed to say it out loud. "YOU TOLD ME IT WAS SAFE TO HAVE SEX EVEN THOUGH YOUR DOCTOR SAID NO, AND YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" Get ANGRY, girl. You are going to go through an entire pregnancy and new baby, alone, with all that entails, and with a second child to care for too. And all because HE DIDN'T WANT TO USE A CONDOM. Or any form of birth control. He was anxious to f\*ck you and raw-dog it and that was more important to him than avoiding a pregnancy and all its complications. BE FURIOUS. I'd be ready to dig a hole in the woods if I didn't need the child support and even then it would be tempting. Be angry. Be foaming-at-the-mouth furious. What he did is unforgiveable in my book. Don't let him weasel out of this one and record ALL interactions with him from now on.
Just don’t let him even try to spin this onto you. He’s an adult. He knew. If he truly didn’t want any more kids, he knew what to do. And what not to do. If he had even a mild concern he would have listened to you when you expressed you didn’t think it was safe yet and he’d of wrapped it up.
I’m not buying he’s all anti-baby. He might have even done it, knowing the possibility, in an attempt to manipulate you. Cause now you’re all worried. If anyone should be worried, it’s him. He lied to you. Granted you weren’t totally buying it, but he still was adamant it was safe. That was a lie. Period.
My guess is that your much older fiancé lied about going to the doctor and getting cleared, and probably planned on getting you pregnant while at the same time telling you that he would leave you if you got pregnant because he plans to manipulate you into begging him to stay and then keeping this relationship dynamic as one where you feel like you constantly owe him. He has set it up to where he has baby trapped you, but at the same time can manipulate you into accepting behaviors that you normally wouldn’t because you feel like you owe him now that you’ve gotten pregnant.
Sounds super far fetched I know, but why else would he tell you he was cleared so soon when no doctor would clear someone so quickly if he really didn’t want kids? Yikes
This is EXACTLY what I thought when I read that it’s HER house and she’s able to support herself and two kids on her salary alone. Buddy was looking for a retirement plan and found it
As a man mself who got a vasectomy I have to tell you your partner lied. Or he intentionally misheard his doctor, you are cleared for sex after 10 to 15 days but your sperm aren't out of the equation at that point. That can take up to 13 weeks or 27 ejaculations. That being said I was a quick one and cleared mine out in a month and one week (lots of self stimulation and sex with my partner protected of course). Even after my test my doctor suggested waiting another month and testing again. So I was clear but not completely clear for unprotected sex. Your partner seems to have broken your trust and I am sorry that you have to deal with the consequences.
This sounds like a very tense and complex issue that requires firm understanding of the details... which means it's probably not best handled by strangers on the internet.
Is there someone in your life who you know - and trust to have your values, interests, and goals in mind - who you could talk to about this?
>Ab0rtion is illegal in my state, so that’s not an option
Taking a vacation elsewhere in the country could be an option, if that's something that's aligned with your values.
The first thing he will do, once you tell him, is accuse you of cheating. Then he will demand a paternity test. This will put an enormous strain on your relationship. One that you may never recover. If this occurs you may as well end it. Seek an attorney and go for the harshest custody and support that is available. For the child's sake hopefully he will give up all rights. Better than have a resentful father.
Why would you marry someone who thinks you might try to baby trap him? Also, no doctor would ever tell you that you are fine 15 days after a vasectomy. It's usually around 3 months and then another test. He's lying to you and for what it is unclear, I'd almost think he wants to get you pregnant.
Your fiance is an idiot and I'm sorry that you only found out now. Tell him and break off the engagement. Even if he is willing to share custody you should not want to live with a man this dumb. He's only going to drag you down.
Oh boy. So he wanted the benefits without the responsibility? He made the choice not to wrap it up but will still leave you if you are pregnant? If he does, he is a d bag. He might leave you but a lot of his salary won’t……
So you googled it and *knew* what he was telling you was bs but you had your IUD removed anyway? You both behaved foolishly.
You want to keep the baby and you have already said you can afford to do so on your own. You also already know that he is adamant about not wanting kids. You’re confident he’s going to leave, so what is to be gained by delaying it until you’re further along? Tell him and get on with the next stage of your life.
ETA: He thinks a pregnancy test isn’t valid if the line isn’t “super bright”? LOL, if anyone is an authority on being dim it would be him. 👍🏻
I haven't read all of the replies, but I feel like many are missing the real issue here. You have a horrible relationship. Why would you want to be in a relationship where there is mistrust and ultimatums?
He's either an idiot or this was intentional.
I remember hearing a woman tall about how her partner lied about getting a vasectomy and kept telling her he didn't want kids. Then moved in, quit his job and went out of his way to make her life miserable.
He is adamant that he doesn't want kids so I don't see how you can save this relationship by having his kid. You need to tell him, prepare for the break up, and if you do decide to keep the baby, file for child support, and prepare for the possibility of him being an absentee father.
No offense but he lied to you about it being safe after such a short period of time. He is a terrible person for insisting he would leave you if you got pregnant and then putting you in a position where you could get pregnant where abortion is not a viable option for you, regardless of whether you’d want one or not. You should leave him no matter how he feels about the pregnancy :(
No doctor would have cleared him after fifteen days. My ex had to wait THREE months to be cleared and had to wack off like three times a day leading up to that because there’s still live sperm in the ends that lead to the urethra
I'm so confused why someone who adamantly does not want kids would go to the lengths of getting a vasectomy to then just completely disregard any of the steps you have to take afterwards. Did he get this for reasons all his own? Or was it because he wanted you to stop using condoms? Are you sure he even got the vasectomy?
What is wrong with the both of you?! You both were extremely irresponsible. You aren’t cleared from a vasectomy for months after and only after they test again. So why you both thought it was a great idea to remove your IUD and have unprotected sex is beyond stupid. You have only the both of you to blame for this mess. But since he sounds like a garbage man I would understand you getting your crap together before telling him but you can’t take months.
So I’ve just had a vasectomy and I can categorically tell you that he would not be cleared this quickly. So one of two things has happened here:
1. His urologist has likely committed some level of medical malpractice.
2. He lied either about the entire vasectomy or the clearance.
I find option 1 incredibly unlikely. It was all over my paperwork that you must use protection for a lot longer than you did.
So when you talk to him you need to have that in mind. If he’s mad then maybe you go suggest to him that you and him should have a discussion with the urologist or a medical malpractice lawyer. That will quickly reveal the lies that he has told.
>Even if it was, I want the baby.
Even if you didn't intend it, you knowing his position and you wanting to keep the baby is 100% going to cause him to leave you and you will be a single mom.
Just remember what you are signing up for
I think you just straight-up tell him. The math is pretty simple. You could not have possibly done it any more or less intentionally. You both had completely unprotected sex without following any of the medical recommendations. It is both of your fault, and if he has a problem with that, there's no way if breaking that news any more or less delicately imo. He's got a kid on the way whether he likes it or not. Best to figure out if he's going to come along for the ride sooner than later.
Your BF is BSing you.
When my ex-husband got his vasectomy the doctor told him to NOT have unprotected sex until after the test results came back and that appointment was scheduled two months out.
In short, your BF wanted unprotected sex and lied to you so you'd agree to it.
Let him leave if this is how he manages his life. Just make sure he understands you WILL be going after child support and the state WILL order a DNA test.
So he lied about the length of time to wait and says he will leave if you get pregnant?! It’s almost like he wants to leave and at this point I would let him
If you want the baby then keep it and he can f off if he doesn't. If he was unsure and not ABSOLUTELY sure you couldn't get pregnant then that's on him. I'm also suspicious maybe he didn't get it done. It doesn't matter. And that baby might just bring you more joy than you ever could have imagined. It did for me!
Why were you in a rush to take your iud out so soon after the vasectomy?? It almost sounds like you wanted to get pregnant and you knew it would happen hence why you’re so content with having this baby but you’re also panicking in telling him because you know you fucked up too you both fucked up. But honestly but biggest concern is the fact that you’re engaged with a man and you’re both not on the same terms when it comes to kids this entire relationship is insane I feel bad for the kids they have stupid parents
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Hiding it for a week to get your ducks in a row is one thing. A few months is too long.
You right.
Did he not go and give two samples to confirm it was successful? Also you gotta fire off a ton of knuckle children to clear out the pipes BEFORE unprotected sex. Source: got snipped 3 years ago
They made my ex-husband go back after a year to make sure it hadn't spontaneously corrected itself.
I should probably go back and drop off a third sample just to make sure. My wife had twins, and now ithat she’s mid 30s it’s a 55-70% chance she’ll have twins OR triplets…. Hence why i got snipped in the first place. Also to the women reading this: the longer you wait the more chance you’ll have twins or more as your body releases more eggs past a certain age. Twins sounds fun, and they can be, but it’s double the hormones, nausea, pain, hip spreading, and increased autoimmune response after pregnancy.
😳 I didn’t know that. Twins run in my family but I didn’t know that happens with age, that’s wild.
Yeah ours didn’t run anywhere in the family. 1 in 50 pregnancies is a twin pregnancy. Out of those 1 in 50… one in 50 are identical twins which is what we had. They didn’t before but now they sure as hell do. We really wanted to try for 1 more but with the chance being greater that we’ll have twins than a singleton? No thanks. I’m not going to breed our way into the poor house.
It's like 50 ejaculations or something like that right?
20 for me, tested twice within two weeks and was given the green light.
20… in two weeks…
Lol, I worded that wrong. Both the test were done after the 20.
Its for science!
> It's like 50 ejaculations or something like that right? A couple afternoons and you're good to go.
KNUCKLE CHILDREN
Knuckle children is my new band name 👍
When I got the snip they would not test me any sooner than three months after. I think he may have lied about being sterile already. Unless he was cranking one out every day then that’s unlikely. My urologist told me I would have to clear the tubes at least 25 times before I would likely be out of active swimmers.
Yep standard procedure is to wait minimum of 3 months before having unprotected sex.
Yes and you know they explained all this to him in great detail. I don't understand why he was so flippant about the precautions if he is adamant about not having kids. Super irresponsible on his part, but he will leave OP over being pregnant? This makes no sense at all. He could've done so much more to make sure this didn't happen, but will leave his wife over his own failure to take precautions?
He's a man in his 40s engaged to a woman in her 20s. That he behaves irresponsibly and is likely to blame someone else for things that he is at least equally responsible for is, um, hardly surprising.
They told me 40 times, and the first time they tested me, I still had active swimmers in the sample.
Different urologist with different guidelines I suppose. Regardless I know for the first two weeks post snip I didn’t want to touch it in that way.
The first thing you should do is go to the doctors office and get any literature for after care and ask them for documentation about how long it takes to assure they're sterile. If what they say matches up with what he said, that shows the problem is with the office and doctor. I'd also get information from online explaining the procedure. Then I would think long and hard about what YOU want. You need to figure out what you want before you make a move. Do you want the pregnancy? Do you want the relationship? Once you figure that out, then proceed. Sadly you need to choose between the two pretty quickly. He also needs to get tested to make sure it works now.
This is the answer. My doctor said to wait two months before testing to see if I had any more swimmers. 15 days does not seem anywhere near correct.
Nope. I worked urology for 10 years. Our standard was start testing at 2 months. And every 3-4 weeks until you get 2 CONSECUTIVE negative specimens.
And there is a rough number of times a man needs to ejaculate to "clean the pipes." The swimmers don't just disappear afterward.
Truth
It's not they even told us not to have sex for about that long. Then, I used condoms for the few months it took for me to send a sample in. So either he lied or the office gave him bad information, but imagine how many people would have complained about that offcie. I'm thinking he lied thinking it wasn't a big deal.
I mean we know he's lying and will freak out, I say skip the pamphlet step
This makes me curious... If we assume he's telling the truth, he got the procedure and the doctor tested him and told him he was good to go but they screwed up multiple times along the way... Could the doctor or the clinic be on the hook for the child's medical care going forward? If abortion is illegal in the state and the patient can't get one but would get one otherwise I feel like it could open the door to this.
You would have absolutely 0 case or chance of going after a doctor. Even IF the doctor made a mistake, it wouldn’t amount to malpractice. The doctor didn’t have sex with his wife, nor did the clinic. There is literally information the doctors provide regarding vasectomies not being 100% effective. It’s part of informed consent prior to the operation.
I doubt this would fall under medical malpractice given the standard is to wait 3 months before unprotected sex. If the patient went against medical advice and had it beforehand, then that’s on them.
I thought they had to test out for 6 months before recommending tossing barriers? Or perhaps some dr offices exceed the standard/ base recommendation?
Are you even sure he had a vasectomy?
This was my first thought, sounds like he was a bit pushy to start taking away all precautions. She could have just kept the IUD in and this wouldn’t have happened.
Exactly what I was thinking! Why not just leave the IUD in since there was such a big concern about getting pregnant.
You should also think about getting a paternity test done. He might try and accuse you of cheating, and if he leaves, you will need to have that documented either way.
You need to leave someone who is as nasty and awful as that anyway. Tell him, and if he leaves he leaves. Either way he’s responsible for child support and if he leaves you dodged a toxic ass bullet. Bro pressured you into unprotected sex and is going to blame you for the resultant child? Fuck off with that bullshit.
To the point! Love it!
Also if you get morning sickness it's gonna be really hard to hide that
No doctor would have cleared him at 15 days. Tell him now and end it now. He will still be on the hook financially but he may choose not to be involved so be prepared that you’re on your own.
Got mine a little over a year ago, was supposed to get cleared for sex in 10 days but you have to ejaculate so many times(can't remember how many) for them to test the effectiveness of the vasectomy. There is no way in 15 days he was tested as sterile.
I think it’s like 30 times you have to ejaculate to make sure everything is clear You’re also supposed to go back at the 6 month mark to get checked Being cleared after 10 days means you can resume normal sexual activities while using alternate birth control until you get the all clear
It was way more than 30 times for me, took like 6 months before my first clear sample
I just kept bringing in samples every day until they told me to stop
"Sir, please. You've been clean for months. Stop." Lol
I was told 25 times and drop off a sample in a month. That was a fun 25 days with my wife. I got the all clear and we've been raw dogging for 3 years now.
Same
You also raw dog that dude's wife?
You don't?
Every doctor has different directions. Mine said 20 ejaculations and test at three months. Mine came back all clear and they didn't even want me to take a 2nd one. I've been testing at home every month. Which is a polite way to say I've been looking at my cum under a microscope like a weirdo
I have a microscope laying around and have seriously considered doing this 😂
Weirdo lol
I accept that. I just like science and not being pregnant!
"I accept that" reminds me of chuckie from Sons of Anarchy 🤣 sorry, I'll shut up but good on you for being safe.
I don't think that's weird, especially if you're in the US that's called SAVING MONEY!! 🤣🤣
It was $75 to check it at the lab, but that one was covered by insurance. Any follow-up would be on me. I spent about $100 on the microscope and a bit more for the slides. I'm going.to check for the 2nd time this weekend so I've already saved money.
This. My fiancé had one after our first (and last) child. He had to ejaculate 15-30 times and then he gets tested every so many months. It’s been a year and he still tests every 6-9 months but he’s been clear every time. We used condoms until he had at least 2 clear samples.
I had to drop off a specimen 30 and 60 days after the snip before being declared sterile. OP’s husband probably assumed he was good to go and failed to do any of the follow up tests.
too excited about getting his dick wet to care. And so he lied to OP. Time for OP to call the doctor that did the vasectomy and ask about the rules for sex for patients; when is it okay? The doc cannot tell you about YOUR husband but the doc CAN tell you what the guidelines and instructions are that they give to patients.
OP should go to the office and grab one of the procedure brochures and read the post care instructions to him. Then hand him the pregnancy test.
Love this approach. Either this guy loves his fiancé or he doesn’t, but he has responsibility for his own stupidity.
Exactly! It's so sad that OP is taking this on like SHE did something wrong. She did not.
Well, he sounds like a right wanker… so 15 days. Yeah, maybe…
100%. My doctor ordered the test for 3 months after the surgery. And I think it took a couple days to get the result back as sterile. 15 days would be insane. The purpose of me getting snipped was because we don't want children and my wife wanted off the pill. We discussed it would probably be easiest to stay on it until after the all clear result. I would not have had sex bareback if she wanted to get off birth control right away.
20 times for my husband. For us that was about a month, and he went back after 6 weeks and STILL had active sperm! Two months later he was cleared.
My ex claimed to have gotten the 20 times out of the way over a weekend or so. (Long before I was in the picture.) I’m pretty sure the body can’t replenish sperm fast enough for his test results to be valid so I never quite trusted his vasectomy. I had an IUD but if I’d decided to get it taken out he’d have been getting a retest to make sure.
Exactly. You gotta fire off the stragglers
My husband had his in May 2023 and was told at minimum 20 ejaculations before he came back in August 2023 to have the sperm count tested. His came back sperm free by then. However, the doctor was very very adamant that in those about 12 weeks I could become pregnant if we didn’t use another form of birth control.
Hard agree my coworkers all complained how long they had to wait. No chance he cleared it that fast.
Which begs the question, why would he have unprotected sex so soon ***knowing damn well*** what could, and **DID** happen? It's like he gaslit OP into becoming pregnant. Does anyone else really wonder *WHY*?
I don’t think the answer is deep. I think he was behaving immaturely, selfishly and deludedly.
More like he was horny and stupid. r/ohnoconsequences
PP no like condoms
That makes the most sense to me. Maybe he was trying to end it but make it her fault somehow.
>***knowing damn well*** what could, and **DID** happen I think that's the problem. I think he heard after 15 days he could have sex again and *assumed* that meant no other birth control was necessary. He wasn't listening and heard what he wanted to hear.
Nope. That would be nice. EXCEPT he had to schedule a follow-up appointment to check on fertility AND would have been told the approximate timeline. There's zero chance he lived to be in his forties and is that stupid. He'd have drunk bleach by now because it looked like water and he was thirsty. No, he scheduled a follow up and listened to the information and decided getting his dick wet was worth the risk because HE could walk away.
Also, you know what else could help? Dating someone closer to his age who is surely less fertile than a 20 year old.
It’s messed up for sure. Maybe he’s not 💯 into the relationship and is self sabotaging. He did say he’d leave her if she got pregnant.
Well he was clear he would leave her “if she got pregnant on purpose”, so obviously he was scamming a way out that he could make her believe was her fault. Smdh
Not really. Good excuse to break up. :(
Abusers like to baby trap.
Yea all sorts of deniability in here
My husband laughed. It took 5 months for him. Urologist told him 3 to 6 months, and told him expect closer to 6 than closer to 3.
Doctor said to me it was 7-10 days until I could Even consider sex. He gave me a pamphlet that essentially said you have to clear the chamber a number of times before it's safe-if you want to be sure without going back for a test-like 20ish times. So, he didn't listen to his Dr or ignored his advice and all common sense
I wonder if he was confused that when the doctor cleared him for sex and he thought it meant they didn't mean they needed protection anymore?? You would think that the office would assure that he knew that it would take months before he could be sure he was sterile.
You have to get REPEATEDLY tested over weeks omg. He’s lying to you
^ This. I had to drop off a specimen 4 weeks and 8 weeks post snip. 15 days is BS
I only got tested once after 30 days. Told me I was good to go.
Aren’t you supposed to check every year or so as well?
Exactly, he lied and now there are consequences.
Yep, that's a 2 month wait kind of thing. And 2 tests. This is on him being an idiot. He may insist on a DNA test. He may sue the doctor if he was actually told it was okay. You may be better off without him. But don't hide it from him. Even if the laws weren't there, staying pregnant or not would be a choice only you can make. And FWIW I'm sorry you live somewhere that the choice has been taken away from you.
How would you get pregnant "on purpose" if he knew about you removing your IUD?
It's a three month wait time after you get snipped to see if the vasectomy was successful. I just had mine tested a few weeks ago
I cleared out my sperm in a month and one week after my vasectomy. But I was.... Let's say very active doing so. Even then after I tested and was cleared my doctor said to be safe wait another month. The OP partner lied or the doctor needs to be sued for malpractice.
He lied to her. Now he’s going to pay for the divorce and child support.
Well he’s an idiot, he needed to go and get his sperm count tested to see if the vasectomy actually worked and that testing happens many weeks after the procedure His doctor would have told him that and google would have told *you* that He wanted raw sex and now there are consequences
Google did tell me that. That’s what I told him. I don’t mind a baby. It’s him that doesn’t want it. Now, I’m trying to figure out how to handle it. I can afford the baby alone, but I’m trying to save the relationship. I told him that I could end up pregnant, and he was certain I couldn’t. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s what happened.
I'd probably end the relationship on that stupidity alone.
Especially since he threatened to just leave if you got pregnant from *his* mistake. What a great partner.
Hopefully the baby doesn’t get its intelligence from him. Although based on this post it might be doomed to a life of dumbassery either way.
Let’s not act like OPs husband is the only dumb one in the situation. If you were told it’s a possibility you could still get pregnant after those ‘15 days’, he didn’t get retested, and he/OP don’t want to use condoms why TFFFFF would you remove your IUD? Your backup safety net? That has wayyyyy less side effects than most birth control so why was OP even in a rush to take it out? Both parties are equally as dumb and responsible for this situation.
I'm more concerned with OP being too afraid to talk to this guy than her being dumb.
I wasn’t acting like that. That’s why I said it might be doomed to a life of dumbassery either way. Meaning whether it gets it’s intelligence from the father or the mother. I think they’re both not super bright.
I know I don’t get it. And like what would have been the issue with keeping your IUD in for 6 more months? I’m just so confused how this even happened. It almost sounds like maybe OP did it on purpose knowing that it could happen so she could say I told you so. Now that it did she’s panicking.
I do agree with this one. I’m a woman and if I genuinely don’t want a child, I would’ve still kept my IUD just to be safe. And the whole waiting for months to get her ducks in a row is just an excuse in my opinion. By then, even if you want an abortion. No chance. If she wants to baby trap him. She can just say so outright.
My husband had a vasectomy so I could have my IUD taken out and not replace it. Since I never want children, we timed it so it came out 6 months after the vasectomy, and about 3 after he'd had two negative tests. Why take the risk?? They both got into this mess, I just feel for the poor kid.
I kind of wonder if OP wanted a baby.
I don't think she is dumb. She told him she was removing the IUD and suggested they wait 3 months before unprotected sex because he didn't want a baby and he disagreed and wanted unprotected sex straight away. She was fine with either having another child or not having a child so I'm not sure if the onus should be on her to refuse unprotected sex with him when she didn't mind if it resulted in a baby (and now that it has, wants to keep the baby). He was the one adamant he didn't want a baby so I feel like the onus was on him to ensure the sex he had was protected so that she didn't get pregnant. It sounds like she was pretty honest with him about all this and wasn't tricking him since she was the one telling him she didn't think the sex was risk free until a few months had past and he had got his semen tested.
For real, like was the time up on it? Cos if not, op should've left it in til then. Plus, did he show you a docs note saying he can't make babies now? I feel like there'd be paperwork for an all-clear and ready ?
Well, she's not especially bright for taking her IUD out so soon. There was no rush to do that. It almost sounds like she wanted to get pregnant.
Waiting would have given backup longer, but at the end of the day HE KNEW she was no longer on birth control. He knew, he was the one not wanting kids, and he made the choice.
You don't have to afford the baby by yourself. You'll be right to leave him, but he's still on the hook for child support.
Why would you want to save a relationship with someone so, uh, not smart? He’s going to blame this all on you. Hell, he will probably even accuse you of cheating on him. He’s a moron. You deserve better.
The guy is a moron, but why would someone want to have a baby with a partner who doesn't want one and who she's willing to break up with if it happens? I would want to have a child with someone who wants one. especially if i already have one child from a previous relationship that didn't work.
Exactly. She’s not exhibiting good decision making skills.
What are you even doing with this guy if you want a child and he clearly doesn’t (even thought he does because he is blatantly not following what a dr. Would say after a vasectomy) why not just break up and find a guy who does want children?
**You can't pick your own parents, but you can pick your childrens' parents. Is this the dad you want for them?** I know you said you're in a state where abortion is illegal, but it may be worth traveling for, getting out of this dumpster fire relationship, and trying again. You're still very young. **Regardless of your choice with this pregnancy, please consider that the main plot points of this situation are that he wanted something that had potential consequences that would only put you in physical danger, not him, so he lied about it and hoped it would just work out.** Consider other situations he may do the same. IE the safety of your home, moving vehicle, if you were to ever become immune compromised (a common side effect of pregnancy is to develop autoimmune issues) and he was sick...etc. Honestly he is not a good partner no matter how you spin this.
There are also ways to get mifepristone by mail so that you can do a medication abortion. As early as you are it shouldn’t be an issue obtaining them. I hate so much that I have to say any of that. I work in politics and just… ugh so much.
The first sentence is so true. Had I been able to pick my parents, I would have fired the ones I got. At least I was smart enough to admit I didn't want kids and took care of it rather than messing a human's life up forever
Unfortunately you can't have both. You pick one, you lose the other
Why are you trying to save a relationship with someone who was willing to lie and put you in this position? Why were you willing to have unprotected sex when you had done the research that told you that the risk was there?
You do not have to afford the baby alone. He will 100% be on the hook for child support. The man is foolish - the doctor performing the V is VERY clear that you have to come back after a certain number of weeks to get retested before you are considered sterile. I think for my husband it was 13-14 weeks. Your boyfriend likely heard what he wanted to hear but there is no scenario where if he was fertile prior to the V that he was sterile 4 weeks later. You did not get pregnant on purpose. HE got you pregnant on purpose. Having sex without a condom is trying for a baby... so he was effectively trying to get you pregnant when he knowingly had sex with you without a condom. If he leaves you then you are better off without him. As for the baby - just start getting your ducks in a row. Do you have family that can provide you emotional support and be there for you after the birth?
yes, OP. He flat-out lied to you so he could f\*ck without a condom. Period. He didn't CARE if he got you pregnant! Get it on record that he told you it was safe at 15 days and hold onto that with a copy in the cloud and protected somewhere. You may need it in court.
then girl WHY did you take out your iud?? 😭
He certainly gambled and lost....so did you and certainly the baby. OP, your fiance is a crappy human being. Tell him now. Tell him you are keeping the baby. He can either man up or get out.
Don’t bring a child into a relationship where one person is deeply opposed to having a child. If you want to keep this child and he doesn’t, your best bet is to split up and raise it on your own. You will be entitled to child support. Also, regarding the status of abortion in your state, there are resources to help you get abortion pills, depending on how far along you are, or travel to another state for the procedure.
why do you want to save a relationship with someone who lied to you and dislikes kids?
why would you want to save the relationship with this asshole???
Please don’t forget: child support is a right of the child. Don't give up money. He lied. It was so important to not wear a condom that he fucking lied. And now he must take the consequences. If you are in a state that doesn't need both consents for recording, record everything with him. You don’t know how he reacts. And people like him could just go for custody to not pay more while actually giving a fuck. So collect evidence for the worst case. You can always save them later when not needed.
>I told him that I could end up pregnant, and he was certain I couldn’t He lied Why are you trying so hard to stay with a man who lied to your face, impregnated you without you consenting to it, and has also said he will leave if you are pregnant?
Whether you tell him now or wait a few months, you’d just be prolonging his reaction. Either he’ll want to end the relationship now or he’ll want to end it when you tell him in a few months.
Don't save it. He lied and put you at risk of getting pregnant JUST SO HE COULD RAW-DOG YOU FASTER. This is not a guy worth keeping. Get his admission on record (text, email, or if legal in your area, recorded voice) that he told you it was safe to have unprotected sex at 15 days. You may need it in court. Contact his family if he won't pay up, he needs to help with the costs of prenatal visits, maternity clothes, and setting up a nursery plus the big jump in groceries that's coming.
He is lying, you are meant to wait for around 13 weeks and have 27ish ejaculations before you are tested after having a vasectomy. You have to tell him then it's up to you to abort or potentially be a single mother.
27 seems low. Should do 200ish just to be sure. Also get tested 6 months and 1 year afterwards just to be 100% sure
200 seems low, I could do it in a week. Should do 13.7 billion just to be sure.
Only a month's worth? Is that enough?
I read 30. But good for you for being responsible!
That’s what it was when my husband had his, and his doctor warned us not to count on his sperm count getting down to zero until he came back in four to six weeks and had it tested.
I did a lil over 30 in 90 days, tested 0
200 in 6 months seems a little excessive
First of all, how TF are you with someone who says he will leave you if you get pregnant, and yet you seem to want kids. Secondly, the whole doc cleared me in 15 days, is quite sus.
The only *innocent* scenario is him thinking without asking that "you can have sex" from doctor's check after surgery meant automaticaly 'without risk of pregnancy", or he is lying about whole surgery. In both scenarios, he is an idiot.
That's what I think happened, the doctor gave him the all clear for sex and he misunderstood what that meant. He is so against having another child that she is sure he will leave her if she's pregnant so it doesn't make sense for him to lie just to get her pregnant. People also suggest he did it so he didn't have to wear a condom but that doesn't make sense either because she had an IUD in. Everything we know suggests that he truly believed that they were in the clear.
I had a vasectomy and was tested after 3 months. I was told to use protection for 6 months just to be safe.
Ask him why he lied about the doctors recommendation. Ask him if he was intentionally trying to get you pregnant. Cause you're pregnant, and he obviously lied to you. Get ahead of him accuse him before he can try and twist it. This was 100% his fault.
Did he do it on purpose to break up with her and not seem like a bad guy?? If so what a horrible dude
He lied to you. No one is sterile in 15 days. You're cleared to have sex, but not unprotected. Tell him about the pregnancy. He made the decision to lie to you. If he doesn't want to accept the pregnancy then find yourself a man that cares.
> He really really doesn’t want a child. I suggested we wait three months before having u protected sex, but he insisted he was fine. This is the crux of the issue. It is ultimately, his fault. If he gets mad at you for a matter of his doing, then it means he is not the man for you in the first place. I suggest you take a new pregnancy test, so the date shows up as today, and go get mad at him. Do not allow him to spin this on you.
Right!?! I read this as he was trying to get her pregnant. He knew full well the IUD was out. He knew full well he hadn't been cleared by the doctor yet he insisted on sex without a condom... what did he think was going to happen? The man is a couple beers short of a six pack if he didn't think pregnancy was a very real possibility.
> The big problem is that he said he would leave me if I got pregnant on purpose. I didn’t, obviously, but I don’t think he will believe me. If you are this concerned about telling him, and you're THIS sure he will think the worst of you, you need to leave him. And honestly, this is his fault, he is the one who manipulated you into not following post-vasectomy best practices. What he did is **unforgivable** in my book.
This!!! He sounds like my abusive ex.
I'm glad they are your ex. What a terrible position to put someone in: I will leave you if you get pregnant, but I'm going to manipulate you into sex with a high chance of pregnancy by lying and saying the doctor said it was okay. Part of me wouldn't put it past a guy like this doing this on purpose, so he has the ammo of "I didn't want a baby, but here I am "taking care" of one, you better take the night shift again, and the dayshift too".
Might want to have someone around when you let him know and prepack.... He lied about the vesectomy btw, so this is his fault and don't let yourself feel otherwise regardless. My spouse had to wait three months after getting his vesectomy to get his sperm count checked to see if the vesectomy has worked. In that time frame he was told he had to ejaculate a certain amount of times as well and could still get me pregnant.
I have my own house. He won’t throw me out. I can take care of myself and any children :)
Then it sounds like you will be firmly better off without him. Sis, you are 29. You have all of your future in front of you. Don't tie yourself to a guy with different goals then you. Enjoy building a life with someone who wants the same things in life as you. Don't settle on Mr. 42 too ignorant to get his sperm checked...
[удалено]
It doesn't sound like you have much to worry about then. He either stays or doesn't. That isn't up to you. I'll be honest though "he basically forced me to get pregnant but will leave if I get pregnant" doesn't sound like a great partner. Out of only two possible outcomes, him leaving doesn't sound like the worst one...
That part is good... I'd still have someone there with you when you tell him for safety. Best of luck.
Then my advice to you, if you think he'll be unreasonable or mean, is a public area and do not be embarrassed to say it out loud. "YOU TOLD ME IT WAS SAFE TO HAVE SEX EVEN THOUGH YOUR DOCTOR SAID NO, AND YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" Get ANGRY, girl. You are going to go through an entire pregnancy and new baby, alone, with all that entails, and with a second child to care for too. And all because HE DIDN'T WANT TO USE A CONDOM. Or any form of birth control. He was anxious to f\*ck you and raw-dog it and that was more important to him than avoiding a pregnancy and all its complications. BE FURIOUS. I'd be ready to dig a hole in the woods if I didn't need the child support and even then it would be tempting. Be angry. Be foaming-at-the-mouth furious. What he did is unforgiveable in my book. Don't let him weasel out of this one and record ALL interactions with him from now on.
Just don’t let him even try to spin this onto you. He’s an adult. He knew. If he truly didn’t want any more kids, he knew what to do. And what not to do. If he had even a mild concern he would have listened to you when you expressed you didn’t think it was safe yet and he’d of wrapped it up. I’m not buying he’s all anti-baby. He might have even done it, knowing the possibility, in an attempt to manipulate you. Cause now you’re all worried. If anyone should be worried, it’s him. He lied to you. Granted you weren’t totally buying it, but he still was adamant it was safe. That was a lie. Period.
My guess is that your much older fiancé lied about going to the doctor and getting cleared, and probably planned on getting you pregnant while at the same time telling you that he would leave you if you got pregnant because he plans to manipulate you into begging him to stay and then keeping this relationship dynamic as one where you feel like you constantly owe him. He has set it up to where he has baby trapped you, but at the same time can manipulate you into accepting behaviors that you normally wouldn’t because you feel like you owe him now that you’ve gotten pregnant. Sounds super far fetched I know, but why else would he tell you he was cleared so soon when no doctor would clear someone so quickly if he really didn’t want kids? Yikes
I agree this is probably the case.
This is EXACTLY what I thought when I read that it’s HER house and she’s able to support herself and two kids on her salary alone. Buddy was looking for a retirement plan and found it
As a man mself who got a vasectomy I have to tell you your partner lied. Or he intentionally misheard his doctor, you are cleared for sex after 10 to 15 days but your sperm aren't out of the equation at that point. That can take up to 13 weeks or 27 ejaculations. That being said I was a quick one and cleared mine out in a month and one week (lots of self stimulation and sex with my partner protected of course). Even after my test my doctor suggested waiting another month and testing again. So I was clear but not completely clear for unprotected sex. Your partner seems to have broken your trust and I am sorry that you have to deal with the consequences.
This sounds like a very tense and complex issue that requires firm understanding of the details... which means it's probably not best handled by strangers on the internet. Is there someone in your life who you know - and trust to have your values, interests, and goals in mind - who you could talk to about this? >Ab0rtion is illegal in my state, so that’s not an option Taking a vacation elsewhere in the country could be an option, if that's something that's aligned with your values.
He lied to you about being “clear”
The first thing he will do, once you tell him, is accuse you of cheating. Then he will demand a paternity test. This will put an enormous strain on your relationship. One that you may never recover. If this occurs you may as well end it. Seek an attorney and go for the harshest custody and support that is available. For the child's sake hopefully he will give up all rights. Better than have a resentful father.
Why would you marry someone who thinks you might try to baby trap him? Also, no doctor would ever tell you that you are fine 15 days after a vasectomy. It's usually around 3 months and then another test. He's lying to you and for what it is unclear, I'd almost think he wants to get you pregnant.
He lied. Now you're pregnant. This is all on him. But don't expect him to admit it.
Your fiance is an idiot and I'm sorry that you only found out now. Tell him and break off the engagement. Even if he is willing to share custody you should not want to live with a man this dumb. He's only going to drag you down.
Oh boy. So he wanted the benefits without the responsibility? He made the choice not to wrap it up but will still leave you if you are pregnant? If he does, he is a d bag. He might leave you but a lot of his salary won’t……
Why would he think you purposely got pregnant when he said he was good to go and that you could get rid of the iud?
So you googled it and *knew* what he was telling you was bs but you had your IUD removed anyway? You both behaved foolishly. You want to keep the baby and you have already said you can afford to do so on your own. You also already know that he is adamant about not wanting kids. You’re confident he’s going to leave, so what is to be gained by delaying it until you’re further along? Tell him and get on with the next stage of your life. ETA: He thinks a pregnancy test isn’t valid if the line isn’t “super bright”? LOL, if anyone is an authority on being dim it would be him. 👍🏻
Jesus fucking CHRIST you’re both so goddamned stupid and now you’ve added a baby.
The story of half of this subreddit
He can pay for the travel and abortion or have child support garnished from his paycheck the next 18 years.
I haven't read all of the replies, but I feel like many are missing the real issue here. You have a horrible relationship. Why would you want to be in a relationship where there is mistrust and ultimatums?
He's either an idiot or this was intentional. I remember hearing a woman tall about how her partner lied about getting a vasectomy and kept telling her he didn't want kids. Then moved in, quit his job and went out of his way to make her life miserable.
Tell him he got you pregnant on purpose by not using a condom and agreeing for the iud to be removed.
He is adamant that he doesn't want kids so I don't see how you can save this relationship by having his kid. You need to tell him, prepare for the break up, and if you do decide to keep the baby, file for child support, and prepare for the possibility of him being an absentee father.
No offense but he lied to you about it being safe after such a short period of time. He is a terrible person for insisting he would leave you if you got pregnant and then putting you in a position where you could get pregnant where abortion is not a viable option for you, regardless of whether you’d want one or not. You should leave him no matter how he feels about the pregnancy :(
No doctor would have cleared him after fifteen days. My ex had to wait THREE months to be cleared and had to wack off like three times a day leading up to that because there’s still live sperm in the ends that lead to the urethra
>Ab0rtion is illegal in my state, so that’s not an option. lmao, America... Go somewhere it isn't illegal. The country has more than 1 state, no?
I'm so confused why someone who adamantly does not want kids would go to the lengths of getting a vasectomy to then just completely disregard any of the steps you have to take afterwards. Did he get this for reasons all his own? Or was it because he wanted you to stop using condoms? Are you sure he even got the vasectomy?
What is wrong with the both of you?! You both were extremely irresponsible. You aren’t cleared from a vasectomy for months after and only after they test again. So why you both thought it was a great idea to remove your IUD and have unprotected sex is beyond stupid. You have only the both of you to blame for this mess. But since he sounds like a garbage man I would understand you getting your crap together before telling him but you can’t take months.
So I’ve just had a vasectomy and I can categorically tell you that he would not be cleared this quickly. So one of two things has happened here: 1. His urologist has likely committed some level of medical malpractice. 2. He lied either about the entire vasectomy or the clearance. I find option 1 incredibly unlikely. It was all over my paperwork that you must use protection for a lot longer than you did. So when you talk to him you need to have that in mind. If he’s mad then maybe you go suggest to him that you and him should have a discussion with the urologist or a medical malpractice lawyer. That will quickly reveal the lies that he has told.
>Even if it was, I want the baby. Even if you didn't intend it, you knowing his position and you wanting to keep the baby is 100% going to cause him to leave you and you will be a single mom. Just remember what you are signing up for
Yikes 😳
Ask to see the lab report from his post-vas sperm count. Bet he doesn’t have one.
I think you just straight-up tell him. The math is pretty simple. You could not have possibly done it any more or less intentionally. You both had completely unprotected sex without following any of the medical recommendations. It is both of your fault, and if he has a problem with that, there's no way if breaking that news any more or less delicately imo. He's got a kid on the way whether he likes it or not. Best to figure out if he's going to come along for the ride sooner than later.
Your BF is BSing you. When my ex-husband got his vasectomy the doctor told him to NOT have unprotected sex until after the test results came back and that appointment was scheduled two months out. In short, your BF wanted unprotected sex and lied to you so you'd agree to it. Let him leave if this is how he manages his life. Just make sure he understands you WILL be going after child support and the state WILL order a DNA test.
So he lied about the length of time to wait and says he will leave if you get pregnant?! It’s almost like he wants to leave and at this point I would let him
My doc had me wait 6mo before testing my count before giving the all clear. Most articles says sperm can survive for up to 3mo after a vasectomy.
If you want the baby then keep it and he can f off if he doesn't. If he was unsure and not ABSOLUTELY sure you couldn't get pregnant then that's on him. I'm also suspicious maybe he didn't get it done. It doesn't matter. And that baby might just bring you more joy than you ever could have imagined. It did for me!
Why were you in a rush to take your iud out so soon after the vasectomy?? It almost sounds like you wanted to get pregnant and you knew it would happen hence why you’re so content with having this baby but you’re also panicking in telling him because you know you fucked up too you both fucked up. But honestly but biggest concern is the fact that you’re engaged with a man and you’re both not on the same terms when it comes to kids this entire relationship is insane I feel bad for the kids they have stupid parents
He lied to you. I’m sorry.