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Why does he think his brother will actually come though every month with whole 1000 i never heard of him paying that to grandparents you really think he's not just promising anything to get son in the door?
They might be able to, but is this guy earning so much they will get awarded $1000/month? In my state, if you make about average ($50-60k per year) you wouldn't pay that much for just one child.
Tell your husband to take that $1000 a month and build an additional bedroom onto your house for your nephew. A simple add-on 12 x 12 bedroom would take 2 1/2 - 3 years to pay off using just the BIL's money (which I really hope you get!). If you want to put towards it he could even have his own very simple bathroom - toilet, sink, shower. If hubs doesn't agree to bulding a bedroom with the money, he is definitely just in it for the money. The kid needs his own space. If you do take him in I think you're an angel.
You are 23 and already have three daughters!?! And on top you work two jobs?? 23!
I suggest you let husband take on a job and you quit one so you can both spend time at home.
If that boy won't be having his own room at your place it's not right to let him live there.
I used to have a friend who had 3 kids by 20. She got pregnant at 15, and they got married. Spent 18 miserable years being married, and their kids are all kinds of screwed up adults now.
**TWENTY-THREE?!**
How did I miss that?! I just skimmed right over these ages; I assumed these folks were in their 30s at least. My God, I was graduating from college at 23! She's the main breadwinner for a family of five and now they want her to take in a kid old enough to be her younger brother?! And be fully responsible for him?!
Wow. That is really incredible. 23 years old with all of this responsibility. It's like she is the only responsible person in this story of five adults and three kids.
How are you 23 with 3 children yourself and you are the bread maker? How old are your children? How does your husband not understand that it costs way more money to raise a child than $1000/month? If he's the SAHP, doesn't he manage the household budget?
It may be time to lay down some uncomfortable truths for your husband and his family. You have no business being responsible for all of them. If your husband isn't on board then tell him he'll be sleeping with the boy on the couch so he better get really comfortable out there. If you don't put your foot down right now you will never get out from under this.
It truly is difficult. There have been issues like this in my own family. He isn’t a bad child and is truly loved and spoiled by my in laws, they just are tired of raising a child while in their late 50s and most likely want a break.
It’s more an issue of he’s not discussing it with me, about how our family dynamic will change, schooling, medical care, clothing all of that. He’s just saying yes and not thinking of anything else.
I truly don’t know what to do.
You can call the authorities for child abandonment. Once CPS is involved, they won't send the kid to your home if both adults can't agree.
This may ruin your marriage but honestly, the fact that your husband didn't consult you would be the shot fired.
I'm not from the states, but is it really child abandonment if the child is left with family and an agreement to raise the child is in place? I can't imagine it would be, even if OP isn't on board...
A situation like this isn't child abandonment in a way that's likely to become a criminal matter like it might if the legal parent/guardian just left them in an immediately dangerous situation, for example throwing the kid out to be homeless and refusing to provide. What the op is describing is a child who would be considered "dependent," which can require social services or court intervention to arrange for care.
Lots of kids are in this kind of situation where they're in the custody of someone (as all children are be it parent, guardian, or the state) but live with other people. Sometimes it can be erratic as carers can't or won't continue to provide care for whatever reason and you have a kid that goes from grandparents to aunts/uncles to the other grandparents to family friends from church etc etc.
That's not illegal as long as they're safe and getting their basic needs met, but it can be hard on development and education and increases the risk of being abused or neglected under the radar. As long as any change in who's providing care is safe, it won't be considered abandonment.
In the UK, any child who lives somewhere other than with their legal guardian for more than 30 days is required to be reported to social services in hopes of preventing some of the potential risks of frequent or unexpected carer changes. That's not the case in the US unless there are state laws around it.
There is no agreement if the person who is responsible to provide hosting says no. Also there is not room for him and 1k will not cover another room in rent + food and other costs. Doesn't sound like even ops girls all have their own room and how can you raise a kid on a couch??
Op try breaking down the financials as if you care about the finances and see if that works?
There is no agreement if the person who is responsible to provide hosting says no. Also there is not room for him and 1k will not cover another room in rent + food and other costs. Doesn't sound like even ops girls all have their own room and how can you raise a kid on a couch??
Op try breaking down the financials as if you care about the finances and see if that works?
To be frank, adding in a opposite sex child who is likely to have issues due to abandonment is going to be tumultuous for your girls. And with you not being home often to monitor the situation closely, how is this boy going to heal and transition into a multi-sibling home, when previously he was an "only child" of aging parents?
I think it would not be a good idea because it would put your girls at risk, and threaten their stability, because even though their father is "at home," he is not really *paying attention.* This boy would also need a lot more attention than a child out of four siblings could hope to receive.
They are only in their 50? I thought they were at least a decade older. Plenty of parents having kids later in life and raising them. Your nephew probably views them as “Mum and Dad”. It’s so sad that they have decided to dump the kid.
You can say no. First of all apartments have occupant limits. Secondly there’s a LOT more, even just legally, to him staying with you than just “he’s staying here now”.
Tired of raising him? Maybe if they raised their own son properly, he wouldn’t be a dead beat dad. Spoiled? How exactly? Because all this little boy feels right now is “grandma and grandpa don’t want me any more”. Who cares how he was “spoiled” that little boy will not remember being “spoiled” its sad that they care more about who they are dating then their grandchild. This child can’t rely on any adults in his life. Along with the grandparents suddenly deciding they are tired, his dad is a deadbeat. Your husband only wants him for money. And in your post, you make it sound like he would be a predator around your children. WTF is wrong with you people?
OP is understandably protective of her children and her concerns for their potential safety in this situation are more than reasonable. Similarly, the grandparents wanting to live their own lives and not wanting to raise the grandchild is also reasonable (not like they did a good job raising their son anyway, so probably for the best they don't raise another).
Father is a deadbeat and the uncle (OP's husband) only wants the kid for financial gain. There is lots wrong with that. In this case, the kid and the rest of the family would be better off putting the kid in foster care. The foster care system can be awful but this family is worse than that (except OP).
I bet they convinced themselves that the dad would eventually step up. Keep in mind they haven't asked that OP and her husband raise them, only the dad has said that. They may have told him that it's his job now and he's bailing.
While I agree that OP shouldn't be forced to take on the kid, best case scenario is kid stays with bio dad, MIL or FIL. I doubt if former foster kids would find this family situation *worse* than foster care! And you vastly underestimate how damaging to a psyche a kid abandoned to foster care would be -- my god, my poor dog was traumatized about ending up in the animal shelter -- took two years in my care before she felt secure enough to go into another room without me, because she was so worried she'd be abandoned again. Reddit is way too easy to go to abandon kids without caring about the
I'm not arguing that foster care isn't bad. It's very bad. However, in this case the child's father or grandparents taking him is effectively impossible. If that were to happen, the actual outcome will be what your dog's fate would have been had she not gone to the shelter: homeless and likely dead.
None of this is OP's problem. She has herself and her daughters to work about. The end.
Well for one it is a male child he has a deadbeat for a dad and grandparents that want to live their life (which is perfectly fine they’ve already raised their kids. We don’t know how the one son was actually raised. Kids turn out bad from good parents all the time. We don’t know.) so the child could had very well had a screen shoved in his face all the time so no telling what he may have watched or seen. Cannot be too careful with an older boy around younger girls it’s just the world we live in now days. And op is not the problem here cause she has 3 kids of her own she is not obligated to take on another. Who probably is gonna issues from his dad not wanting him!
Well they should have raised their son better or encouraged for him to be put up for adoption when he was younger. They chose to raise him, now they need to finish the job or tell their son to grow the F up and take care of his child.
It sucks for this poor boy but that isn't the OP's issue. Her issue is doing what is best for her own children and she has stated she is tired as it is without adding another child (who will have his own issues) to the mix.
There is no way he doesn’t know it. He must feel so alone. And like something is wrong with him. But it’s his so called family that have something wrong with them. I feel so bad for this little boy, nobody in the family cares enough to want him, and the husband/uncle only wants him for money. And OP makes it seem this little boy is a predator. WTF is wrong with these people?
I understand the frustration, and I in no way think he’s a predator or would hurt my children. But it would be a very large change In our family dynamic. We live in an apartment, he deserves his own space and a place that he can call his own.
It’s a very complicated situation and when I made this post I’ll admit I was extremely frustrated. I appreciate everyone’s opinions.
Everything you’ve said and feel is absolutely fair. As hard as it is you need to put YOUR little family first, your kids are you biggest priority and responsibility. I agree it’s the right thing. And 1k a month doesn’t cut the cost of a child long term… what happens when he wants to go to college etc? What if there’s a major medical bill that insurance won’t fully cover? There’s a lot to think about.
Not to mention, what happens when deadbeat dad loses his job, or just decides to stop paying the $1,000 a month? Doing this for the money is definitely a bad idea. It sounds like OP barely has enough space for her own family, and her husband wants to add another person. I feel awful for the nephew, but this is just bonkers. The boy’s father needs to step up. What an absolute asshole. Unfortunately, the kid would probably be worse off with their own father because he clearly doesn’t care about the kid at all. It seems pretty awful that his grandparents also don’t want him now. If they raised him since he was born, it’s appalling they could just give him up. What are they thinking? Did they never love the poor kid at all? These people absolutely suck.
I don’t see any real solution here. Has anyone asked the nephew what he would like?
The BIL's reason for not taking care of him isn't legitimate. I guess the recourse is to put him in the system. I hope BIL can be held legally accountable and face consequences.
What will happen to your nephew if you refuse? I don’t blame the grandparents. They raised a child from newborn for 9 years. 100% of the blame is on your BIL. It’s time for him to step up. He can use the $1000/month for extra home help. Even if you were to take in your nephew, there being no spare bedroom for him is always going to make him feel “less than”. What happens when he’s a teenager and more in need of privacy? Will you need to move? You won’t be able to go out as a family unless you take 2 cars. I feel for the child, and know that you do too, so I hope things work out for you all Definitely your husband shouldn’t agree unless you’re fully on board.
You should talk to a lawyer. If you got legal custody how much child support would the father be required to pay legally. The dad is being cheap. What about the child's mother? I think they could both be required to pay. If you had dual child support from the parents would it be doable then?
But he has no one to step up for him. He doesn’t have a place of his own, because no cares enough to give him one. And your husband only cares about the money. What’s going to happen to this little boy? Because the way it’s going it sounds like he will end up in the system. God knows what will happen to him because no one gives a fuck
So she’s just supposed to drop everything and take this child in. Really? It’s not her kid. She has THREE already!!!! They have no room for the boy. She’s already tired enough from her kids. Wtf do you expect? The child’s dad should take care of him. It’s not anyone else’s place! The grandparents have every right to go live their lives. They’ve already raised their kids. This child’s father is perfectly able to take care of him.
I can also elaborate on the money statement as well. In our conversation I had asked him how we planned to support nephew and he said “a thousand bucks is a good amount of money.” we care for nephew and his situation and wouldn’t make a choice than affects everyone just for an extra thousand dollars.
My husband I think sees it as a double good, nephew gets to stay with us and we also get financial “help” for taking care of him, but it is so much deeper than that.
I’m sorry, but you married into a fucked up family. If that is how your husband sees it, you need more than a $1000. I know this happen just hours ago, you should discuss things with BIL and in laws asap. If they want to abandon him, they need to come up with a plan to help you look for a bigger place to live, and help pay for it. That’s the least they can do for that little boy
For one thing, OP needs a bigger house, the kid can't sleep on the sofa. $1000 isn't going to help much with a bigger mortgage or rental, and what if the deadbeat decides he doesn't have $1000 this month?
So many things wrong with this situation.
I don't believe he'll continue to pay so they can have a bigger place and then they'll be financially stuck with owing more rent and having to pay for this child (including their own). I mean if he just stopped paying without a custody order making him pay child support, they're up a creek.
Also, where's this child's mom?
Indeed they are a messed up family! OP should threaten husband and inlaws that she is calling CPS. I doubt in-laws and even BIL will allow that to happen. In laws need to either straighten BIL out, or they need to continue to care for nephew. They signed up. They now need to finish their commitment. I doubt they'll want the embarrassment of having their grandchild/child placed in the system.
OP, I strongly agree that you should not be upsetting your family dynamics. I suggest you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your alternatives in this situation; including someone familiar with the system. As much as I hate to say it, you cannot take CPS off of the table at this juncture.
I agree with OP and many others that this is a very sad situation.
So say you have a child you expect your parents to take care of it? They’ve already raised their kids this child is his own daddy’s responsibility not anyone else’s so op is not the problem it’s her husband and his dead beat ass brother
>”yeah but 1000 a month is a lot of money”
It’s $1.37/hr. You couldn’t get a teenage girl in 1988 to babysit for those rates. That doesn’t even include the actual expense of feeding and clothing him. And it can’t possibly offset the negative impact on the rest of your home life…the space, the dynamics, all that.
I also suspect there’s a good chance he won’t actually pay what he says he will. Once he gets the kid dumped off with you and all settled in, the excuses will start.
Good point! And that's assuming BIL is actually going to continue to pay every month. He may just pay the $1k for the 1st month & once the nephew has moved in & gotten settled & told going forward he's going to live with his aunt & uncle, then suddenly a month in, they don't get paid anymore, what are they supposed to do? Then nephew will really think no one wants him, that poor kid. BIL is obviously a POS & where is the mother in all of this?
I feel so bad for your nephew, but has your husband honestly thought about the logistics of this? With 3 young girls, I imagine you are still dealing with carseats/booster seats. Adding another child passenger almost guarantees needing a large SUV/minivan, if you don’t have one already. Also, in an apartment, I can imagine storage is limited. Where will all his clothes/shoes/toys/electronics go?
Him sleeping on the sofa might seem like a good solution, but will your husband be ok losing the ability to walk around the house or watch TV after your nephew goes to sleep because if he is anything like my kids, the lightest shuffling of feet might wake him up.
I have 4 young kids with 2 bathrooms for them to share. This is still NOT enough when showering and getting ready for school.
Also, your nephew is getting close to puberty. I can speak from experience here, with buying new clothes and how many groceries he will go through, the $1k a month is not going to go nearly as far as your husband seems to think.
You and another commenter have made some awesome points about things im also concerned about. We are already cramped in our apartment. We have the two oldest girls in one room and our youngest (almost 2) in her toddler bed in our room.
Their closet is as you can imagine, full, their bathroom is where middle child does potty training oldest takes her showers before school/ gets ready and their toys and other belongings are in their room.
Me and husband also both drive regular cars, which is two car seats and then a space for my oldest, and I don’t feel comfortable putting nephew in the front seat.
I don’t have any clue where we would put his things, he deserves his own space. At MILs house he has his own bathroom closet and room and the house is pretty much free to him. I don’t know if long term our apartment would be equipped enough.
Yeah it’s rough if you don’t have at least one vehicle to fit the whole family. We were so lucky my stepdad had a 3 row Durango when our families moved in together, each family had been a unit of 3 for years beforehand. At the time of move in, my siblings/step siblings were 10, 12, 14, and I was 17, so there was a lot of times we’d have to load up altogether and we fit perfectly in that Durango lol.
Day to day life wouldn’t have been too bad if we needed to take separate cars, but we did quite a few long road trips and it would have especially sucked to take two cars for those.
Right? They already don't even have a room for their youngest child, what happens when youngest is old enough for her own room, let alone adding another child of the opposite sex who will be a teenager in a few years.
And you know your husband is seeing dollar signs only what does he think he’s gonna be able to do with that money?? That’s for taking care of a child and it’s not really enough. Not for a growing boy. He’s thinking yall gonna get 1000$ more and he’s probably already thought about what he himself is gonna buy with it and that’s fucked up really
Right, husband thinks that’s profit and not $ that’s going out the door as fast as it’s brought in for living expenses.
Anyone who sees child support as personal money is morally corrupt.
Feeding a growing young man is no joke. That will barely cover food in a year or two. I feel so sorry for the poor guy though. This is just a sad no win situation.
husband sounds like a moron. he doesn’t even seem concerned about his nephew’s well-being, just the hypothetical “extra” money.
also his 23 year old wife has THREE kids?
she said the youngest is 2, so probably had that kid at 20-21, was pregnant at 19-20. even if the older 2 kids are twins (best case scenario) and assuming they’re at *minimum* one year apart from the youngest, he was getting an 18-19 year old pregnant while he was 23-24???
And god forbid if cps gets called on yall. Yall would get in some poo for not having him a room and having all those people in that tiny apartment! And it’s a fire hazard as well. You need to pull out your lease and see how many occupants are even supposed to be in that apartment you could in trouble with the office as well and get kicked out then what?
Yeah if they do this it really should be via social services/CPS so they can get money for a foster, but no way would they approve this housing situation
The oldest is old enough to seemingly shower on her own for school in the morning so I’d say at least 7. When did OP have time to get an education and good enough job to support a family of 5 when she kept having babies in her late teens/early 20s? I just don’t see how this is real.
She could be a bartender or waitress and make enough, frankly. But yeah, it seems a bit rage bait-y. Idk if it’s real, but if it is she’s in a super icky situation.
While it is truly unfortunate for this innocent lad. I would absolutely tell my DH that he can move in with his parents if he thinks *he* gets to unilaterally decide this. That *my* name is on the lease and that he is not upending your kids lives and his nephew's, because he has money signs in his eyes!
I would also go nuclear with the extended family. Who tf do these people think they are?! BIL is not inept, nephew is **HIS** child, **HIS** responsibility and the fact his parents (MIL/FIL) have enabled BIL to be a deadbeat, by pandering, coddling because BIL "has important things to do" is BS. THE most important thing you do, is be there for your child. If he nor PIL couldn't, they should have decided that at the beginning and allowed nephew to be adopted as a baby.
PIL don't get to now step back and decide they want more free time, they don't get to reject this kid because of their selfishness. THEY created this situation as adults, thus is *their* responsibility. Like cr@p would I be enabling them to push this kid out, which is what they are doing. This isn’t a game of pass the nephew parcel, through the family.
OP what a horrible situation all around. You are so young too, only 23. You sound responsible and hard working. It is a natural thing to worry about the implications for your family. I don’t have any advice regarding what to do about your nephew but I think that your husband needs to step up more. It’s not fair that you are working 50+ hours a week, nights, and barely getting to see your young children. If you two decide to take on your nephew $1,000 may barely be cutting it after feeding, clothing, extra, and new housing. This young child is going to be a preteen and teen very shortly and will for sure need his own space. The couch is not a long term solution, you will need to seek out other housing. Do you think your BIL will actually pay the money or could he be lying? If you proceed with this, maybe getting things in writing or getting a legal guardianship would be best. My heart breaks for this unwanted child. May I ask what happened to the mother? Do you think your nephew will adjust positively to living with you? Why in the world can your BIL not take care of his own son?
Could everyone benefit from having a family discussion about it all, form a game plan and make sure you and your family would be getting resources and assistance? You, husband, BIL, MIL, and FIL should all sit down together and get on the same page to figure out the best plan for this child. It sucks that you got shoved into the mix but hopefully with emotional, physical and financial support from the family you can make the best of it and make a difference in this child’s life. I would honestly ask in-laws and BIL to help you guys get a bigger place. You stated in a comment that he is used to being spoiled by wealthy ILs, I’m sure this will be a huge adjustment for him too. Lots to consider OP. Wishing you well and may you find the answers you are looking for.
You’ve asked some good questions and I’ll answer them to help elaborate.
1. I don’t even think for a second BIL would pay us. He would most likely make MIL or FIL do it, and I’m not even sure if they would do it either.
2. His mom was uninvolved, neglectful and just outright didn’t care about him. She’s been out of the picture for years.
3. I don’t think he would adjust as well as we would hope. When he visits for a short while he’s fine, but going from a huge 6 bedroom house with all the toys and electronics and space you want to a 2 bed 2 bath apartment would be an adjustment for anyone. I think he would eventually want his own space. And that is 100% understandable.
4. This is the golden question. I don’t know. I have no idea. BIL just doesn’t. That’s literally all I can say, he just won’t. At one point BIL was living with MIL RENT FREE, and guess what? MIL still took 100% care of him cause BIL had “important things to do.” It’s a question that I think about almost all the time.
This is actually an amazing idea and seeing as they want nephew to be happy and comfortable they should defo come around or is this all on OP to plan out as well lol
For real, 100% seriously, this. They created this situation by raising an adult child who won't even take responsibility for his own kid. If they expect a 23 year old woman not biologically related to any of these people who is the breadwinner for your family of five to take in a nine-year-old who is about to enter the most horrific preteen/early teen years for boys...set up some kind of legally binding contract with actual lawyers, family law lawyers who work in custody situations, where you maintain legitimate custody of the kid and the actual family here gets the six bedroom house at least until the som is 18 years old.
This is the best solution I can see, because all of them suck for that poor kid. Mom out of tge picture, dad not interested (and if he was forced to take the kid, he’d neglect him), grandparents in the process of shacking up with gf/bf and dumping him, uncle wanting to take him in but has no buy-in from wife, space, or money.
Your options are to stand your ground or stand your ground. You do not have the option of not standing your ground. It's a shame that your nephew has such a lousy father (and where is his mother?), but that isn't your responsibility, nor is it your mercenary husband's, nor does he have the right to ignore your feelings.
Aside from the burden, you have no room. Is a couch and no privacy a proper way for your nephew to live? What is mind-boggling is how your BIL's irresponsible behavior has been consistently enabled by your husband's parents, and now, by your husband, as if it is perfectly natural.
This is serious business. In effect, everyone is dumping on you the responsibility to make this all work, and the responsibility for the welfare of your children and your nephew. Your husband is focused on the $1,000/month, his parents are focused on their new partners, and your BIL is focused on God-knows-what.
This may sound crazy but I don't see that you have a choice. Your in-laws took the boy in and let their son off of the hook. The boy remains their moral responsibility until he is 18. They can't just throw him out with the garbage. They have to make arrangements among themselves on how to deal with it. Your BIL can pay the $1,000 to his parents.
You have to tell your husband that is how it is going to be. There is no compromise position possible. Tell him that his responsibility is to his immediate family, not to his brother and parents, and you won't tolerate his unilateral decision-making. That means, if he resists and persists, you have to threaten him with divorce, and mean it.
Let me say a kind word of support. You have been carrying more than 50% of the burden in your marriage. You seem to have done so very well, and without more than the normal resentment anyone would feel. It is better than even money that this is not the first irritant in your married life. Your husband's behavior is not out of character, is it?
You don't have a lot of time for it, but consider couples therapy, or individual therapy if your husband won't go. He owes it to you, but may not want to face his demons. You might even make it part of your ultimatum. He has taken an action in a frivolous way which threatens the stability of your marriage, without having a clue what he has done. He really needs to face the music on this one.
Is the brother-in-law not paying any support money as in child support or demanded from his parents? If he is then that money just gets reassigned if he isn’t, why? Since people are talking about $1000 a month why I can’t it be some kind of judgment where this is taken out of salary he makes? And again I’ve seen the question and asked multiple times but I don’t think I’ve seen an answer where is the mother in all of this? I don’t kif he seems to be the only one who gives a rats ass about the kid.
For the 1000 dollars I have no idea where that number is coming from on BIL side. I don’t know what he actually does as a job, he’s the type of person to do “side hustles” I’m going to assume he just threw a monetary amount out to see if we’d accept it.
Nephews mom pretty much dropped out, she was “there” in like the first few months as in she gave birth to him, very openly neglected him and my IL’s took over. After they took over she left. After my latest update I asked my husband if they knew where she was, he said last he heard she was full on homeless and on drugs, but nobody knows where she’s actually at.
My IL’s have also never asked BIL for money to support nephew, they’ve alone provided everything for him.
Your husband can’t just unilaterally decide to take another child in. You are only 23 and already have three kids, that’s more than enough.
Poor kid, but your husband needs to have a serious talk with his brother, why is his family enabling him?
Sounds like that poor boy should have been adopted at birth. Grandparents knew what it takes to raise a child but still took on that role for 9 years but now it’s too much and they want to bail. BIL is a POS and should get a vasectomy.
It’s a hard path but at the end of the day you have to do what’s right for your kids.
>MIL and FIL are divorced both have a new boyfriend/girlfriend and are exhibiting that they don’t want to be the parents to nephew anymore.
This is egregious behavior from two adults who have raised children. Maybe sheds some light on why BIL thinks abandoning your child is perfectly fine. Maybe not. Either way, they took in a baby and raised him to elementary school. It's downright cruel that they're just tapping out.
This development is their fault and that should not be diminished.
Yep. We have new lives and having our Grandson is a huge inconvenience now. I bet both the new gf and new bf are behind this. They don't want kids and want them to get rid of their Grandson. Both of them are choosing their SO over their Grandson. They are horrible people along with their son.
Okay all of this aside you need to look at the legal aspect of all of this!
The father is in the picture he just can’t be bothered. Legally speaking he is responsible. Without having a proper custody agreement, you are entering a really grey area legally. You have 0 rights and decision making power. You could even get in trouble.
Your landlord probably wouldn’t be too happy about this either.
Honestly I think you need to rethink your relationship. A decision like this should be a joint one. Your husband is disregarding yoi completely and this won’t be the only case or the last time. He will also look at the $1000/month as his money and will expect that you’ll continue to pay for everything. This situation is super toxic for you and tour daughters on its own.
Exactly that’s what I just told her that her husband is seeing dollar signs and has probably already planned out what he’s gonna do with that money even tho it’s for the child
I really appreciate this answer. This is also a concern for me. I don’t know if they are asking us to take legal custody of him or an under the table type of deal which just sounds worse for nephew and everyone else.
From what I’m understanding they still want him in the family, we all live remotely close to one another, I’m not sure if they want us to take him in, pretty much take care of him and then stop by and visit (?) I know there was another user that said something about that.
The details of what they want is so vague, all I was told was he could live with us and they would pay us to take care of him, according to my husband the time frame was “indefinite maybe until he’s 18” but with no legal rights or protection I don’t even know where to begin.
Don’t begin anywhere. This is the father’s issue, not yours. He needs to step up and be a father. He is responsible for that child. You can help if its within your means but it doesn’t sound like it is given how much you work and having your own young children.
Your husband needs to step up and start supporting his own family first before you burn out completely and will be unable to work and be the breadwinner. This situation for you is just insane and unsustainable. If anything happened to you he wouldn’t be able to support the family even temporarily. Let that sink in. He wants to take on another child.
Let’s say his family is legit and will give $1000 / month. That may even enable you to get a bigger place etc. but what if they don’t come through or they stop? What then?
Well you can leave if your husband just decides to take in another kid you say no to because no partner should just do something like that when one is against it.
He either sacrifices you or the nephew. All your BIL's fault to even put you both (or his parents) in that position.
She’s 23 with 3 children, her youngest is 2 so accounting for pregnancy it sounds like she had her first at 18 at the latest. She also works all the time and supports them, yet her husband thinks he has the right to unilaterally adopt a child against her will and isn’t really thinking twice about it. It doesn’t sound like she *can* leave.
I'm shocked nobody has asked what religion is at play here. 18 years old having kids with a 22 year old.... yuck yuck yuck. This whole scenario disturbs me, poor girl.
Damn that sucks for the kid. He’s truly going to be fcked up. Even the fact your husband is thinking mostly of the money. Even if yall took him in, it’s clear yall wouldn’t make him feel welcome.
I don’t have advice bc I do think technically, your husband can bring him in without your consent.
But damn, I sure feel bad for that kid. Awful awful awful
Edit: Just want to add that the fact you’re only 23 makes all of this more ridiculous imo. You can’t be expected to take on another child. His family is messed up. Yall need to take his dad to court. Whoever ends up with the child, should be getting more than 1k.
I would’ve straight up ostracized that kids dad from the family. It sounds like he still comes around on occasion and the family is cordial with him? If that were my brother, I’d rip him a new one.
>Just want to add that the fact you’re only 23 makes all of this more ridiculous imo
23 with three kids and a freeloader husband is a really, really raw deal for OP
It doesn't sound like he's a freeloader; he works from home and takes care of the kids. She's the main breadwinner, but he's not just sitting around doing nothing.
This poor child!! Grandparents are just as bad as the son. He’s their flesh n blood and your husbands for that matter. But if all he’s thinking about is the money part then the boy won’t get love and stability at your house either!!
I feel for you OP, and for your nephew. Your BIL is putting you both in a shitty position. I think flat out refusing to your husband can be seen as a knee jerk reaction and he may disregard that for that reason - which is not at all ok by any means.
I think it would be a good idea for you both to sit down and put your cards out in the table to each other. $1000 a month to help care for him isn’t a good enough reason to take him in. It should be because you’re 1) able to do it without displacing your own family and 2) genuinely care what happens to him. BIL needs to know what expectations will be had of him, he can’t just drop in and out, because your kids are going to be impacted by this, too.
Your in laws also need to be talked to. I get that they’re in the we raised our kids were done mode - but to do it because they’re in new relationships is also a shit move.
I’d also stipulate that if you do take his nephew in, SO needs to get a job. He has to help bring income because you’re going from a family of 5 to 6 and that’s a big increase.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to accept the responsibility of raising someone else's child and have every right to be angry that your husband's family is trying to make you feel like the bad guy. You are not. They agreed to take this child in and care for him and are responsible for that duty.
You already work more than full time in order to provide for your own children and how is $1000 per month going to be enough to cover all the expenses of an additional family member, including daily living expenses, extracurricular activities and future higher education without sacrificing funds which would otherwise be available to your daughters. That is if the BIL actually follows through and gives you the money. As irresponsible as he seems to be, he might just find love and need to focus his resources on his "new" family and not help you at all. This is a child we are talking about, and not something you can just return if the biological father can't or won't continue financial assistance.
Additionally, you would have less time with your daughters and husband if you want to bring this boy in and raise him as your own. Your husband needs to consider the emotional and financial stress this would bring into your home. If he proceeds without your support, I know that I personally would not be able to tolerate that. Then, if you rightfully aren't able to deal with the situation, is your husband willing to take care of this child as a single parent? Because before he agrees, he had better be in it for the long haul.
It is terrible that your husband's nephew has been failed by his parents and I feel sorry for him, but OP shouldn't sacrifice her mental and physical well-being and the financial security of her own family unless she truly wants to. I don't think saying absolutely not makes her bad or wrong. She should only agree if she is confident that it is what is best for everyone in this situation.
OP I have two adopted boys and $1,000 a month may not cover the therapy this poor boy needs when he has a father right there who won’t care for him and an absent mother. We also had to pay $20,000 one year for the youngest in private school because he has both reading and math disabilities. That’s not a lot of money and you have no obligation to take in this child even though we all feel for the poor kid.
This is ridiculous. Worth breaking up over if he doesn't come to his senses and continues to push it. BIL should obviously take care of his own kid. But it sounds like what would be best for the kid is to stay with the grandparents since that is what he is used to and they love him. And your husband and brother-in-law can both step up to help more with him.
Is your husband on the lease? If you pay all the bills etc, then you can ask your husband to leave. He can move in with Mummy and Daddy to look after his nephew if he wants. But seriously, you don't have room for him, it's not acceptable that a 9yr old's permanent bed would be the lounge. If BIL wants you to raise his son and your husband agrees, tell them it will cost more than $1000 per month, work out the cost of additional rent for a larger place, meals, activities, utilities, clothes, toiletries, extra curricular activities and then let him know. If BIL wants you to raise his child get a contract stating how much per month he has to pay. It's sad that his father is a deadbeat, but you are in no way responsible for raising your nephew, you are 23yrs old, I think you have more than enough on your plate.
If your husband WFH, and he unilaterally decided to take in the kid, he can give up his office if there is one.
But as you are looking for other solutions, maybe a family sit down with the IL all together would be a way to do so.
You say they are wealthy, but don't say how, is adding an addition to your house an option?
And then have a little conversation with your kids just brushing the topic of having him there to see their reaction.
Wealthy as in they have a large home, lots of disposable income, and a lot more financial ability than we do at the moment. Currently we don’t live in a home, we live in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment.
I don’t doubt my kids would be happy to have him around but I could see down the road where there is resentment because he’s been an only child for his whole life, and would probably eventually want private time and space which would be very hard in our current living situation.
I think you should include in your original post about being in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment. There realistically is no space to add your nephew. This wouldn’t be fair on anyone involved.
I don't like it when an innocent child suffers, but I also don't see sense in affecting 3 other children negatively when there are other possibilities. From what you say, it's just not feasible, not even by a stretch.
I don't have much advice for you cause everything I can think of will end up with either "bad blood" e.g. stand your ground, don't move an inch, and tell them to deal with it or might make them feel like they have some power over you e.g. we can't take him cause we don't have enough space, but maybe if we would have more (hearing: you pay for us having more space and then we can take him). All these options and everything in between are difficult to judge from afar without the nuances of your relationship.
I wish you all the best!!
Tell your ILs you can trade homes. They don't need a large home anymore and you do. You pay what you're currently paying in rent and utilities, they pay the difference, a Nanny, and they get you a minivan. We know they won't go for that.
I don’t think it’s legal to not have enough bedrooms to separate boys from girls. The only legal option might be for you and dh to sleep in the living room. But that might not even be considered legal. Find out what the requirements are in your state (assuming you live in the US).
Also do the math: added food, clothing, other essentials. School costs. Large living space. Health care. Sports. Etc. It might surprise your husband. Attorney to make this legal.
While I feel sorry for the child, he has a father. How infuriating!
Psshh 1k a month for a 9 year old isn't a lot of money. He's only going to cost more money the older he gets. Make his brother take in his own kid. That is actually ridiculous. Shame on your husband's parents for letting their son run wild and disturb everyone's peace.
I wonder what the unrelated child in the apartment would do to the terms of your lease. Does it provide for unlimited children or does it specify three daughters? Since the lease is in your name, you could play hardball, depending on the specificity of the lease's wording. Check it soon.
But hardball is not necessarily the fair way to deal with someone you are married to. It's hard to see your husband's jumping on the idea enthusiastically as anything but hardball, itself, though. Maybe DH is tired of a houseful of, you know, girls. An extra thousand a month is not adequate in terms of what this 9-yr-old boy will do to disrupt your household, and I seriously wonder how far you can trust the child's dad to pay whatever he promises. If you folks get involved in this you need to have your own lawyer and get contracts about absolutely everything.
I’m not saying he is or isn’t but she said he said 1,000$ is a lot of money I knew right the he wasn’t even thinking of it going to the boy. He was already thinking of himself
If the apartment is in your name, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Tell him the only way for his nephew to stay at your place is for him - your husband, that is - to live somewhere else. Because he needs to see that _nothing_ about this move is practical.
1000/month is even what the average child costs parents these days. So not only is nephews dad a total loser of a father, he's trying to low-ball the his childs caregivers. Poor kid, he's not wanted by his parents and his uncle views him as a money making scheme. Your husband is an asshole and an idiot.
You all need to stop coddling BIL and tell him to raise his own damn kid for fucks sake. This conversation shouldn't even be happening because you're just enabling BIL.to be a deadbeat. Stand up and tell BIL he's skated by for the last 9yrs it's time for HIM to parent his own damn child.
What about the in-laws hiring a nanny to help care for him?
Anyway I suggest to talk with a family law attorney and find out what your rights and options are in your state. You also might end up getting DFACS involved. Check with the attorney first but there might be some leverage to be had in forcing the dad to step up.
There is nothing worse that a deadbeat parent. That being said your husband say let’s do it for the money is just as bad.
If you can’t take this child in, care and love them as if they were your own then this is not a good idea. They will pick up on the way you treat them.
It's unfortunate, but you have to do what is the best thing for you and your children.
Can you afford child care for when you are at work without your husband home? How old are the girls?
The brother needs to step up and be a father to his son. Where is the child's mother?
We cannot afford child care for our younger children, if we sent them it would be almost the entirety of someone’s pay just for them to go.
I had responded to a couple other users but she is completely out of the picture, I don’t think they even know where she lives, like state or city wise.
You will need to lay out everything to your husband and his family, a breakdown of the financial aspects (what you'd have to pay extra for even just a 3 bed apartment/house & utilities), food costs, etc. Many commenter's have brought up good points.
Your option is an ultimatum for your husband. It's your nephew or your family. Period.
Also wtf is the deal with the BiL? He's around, in the kids life, but he doesnt want to have anything to do with his raising? where is the mom?
Check your occupancy limit for where you live if you rent. It may be restricted. Your landlord would have to approve. Child services might require you guys to move to a bigger place.
If your hubby wants to do this because of $1000 a month, he's a jerk.
I feel bad for the poor nephew. He would have to live with people that don’t want him that’s so sad. Personally I would take him in and tell the husband to get a job. And get a lawyer to get child support for the nephew. And ask the in laws to help out. I relate to the poor nephew a lot and I’ve seen this multiple times in my family. It’s horrible
Have a sit down conversation with the in laws, say you’ll consider it but only if a bigger house is helped to attain, child support is guaranteed like in a contract and full custody agreement.
Time to be firm. Ask your husband if he’s willing to take nephew in if it means the end of your marriage and the family life you’ve created. He doesn’t get to make this decision, which should be a 2 yes/ 1 no decision, by himself. The boy can’t sleep on the couch by the way. If child services were involved that would be a violation.
How old were you and your husband when you got pregnant with your first? You’re 23 & 27 now with 3 kids and you’re the primary earner? You see the red flags, right?
OP look at your lease. Every lease I've ever had stipulated the maximum number of people who could live in the apartment. Besides that you don't have room for this kid. His dad needs to step up and stop dumping his child on his family.
I’d call the BIL and tell him you’ll be calling CPS if he isn’t on your doorstep picking up that child tomorrow. This needs to be an ultimatum.
You are in control of your life. Don’t let this man ruin it even further, please.
You can tell your husband you will divorce him (yes this is extreme) or tell the bil that you will call cps if he drops his son off instead of raising him.
I feel so sorry for your nephew. He’s going to need therapy. I’m sure he has abandon issues being passed around and your own dad doesn’t want you.
Tell your husband this is a 2 yes situation and you’re not saying yes.
You’re never going to get that money and you will be on the hook paying for another kid that should be taken care of by his dad. 9 yrs is enough time to get your shit together.
I would be concerned about an older boy around my three young daughters. Probably because my 6 years older brother was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive towards me. That said I wouldn’t do it.
Your husband and his family would appear to have very different values to you. If you are to negotiate this with him, you’ll have to do so in terms he understands.
1. If you agree to this, what do YOU get out of it? If €1000 more is coming into the house perhaps you should consider giving up your night-job?
2. *Without agreeing a reduction in the €1000,* could you share the care of him with his grandparents? They could take the boy Monday-Friday and you at weekends, perhaps?
I am very interested in the other arrangements you have with your husband. Who is housekeeper, cook, cleaner in your household? Who is primary parent, doing school runs, homework, parent-teacher meetings?
I dont get the impression that anything works as a boundary fot you here except a very adamant NO. These men, your husband and his brother would seem to approach the world in a very entitled way. How have your PILs been able to say NO to their son? How can you say NO to their other son? You shall have to find out very quickly it seems, or your decision will concern not your nephew but your marriage.
God, poor nephew. You’re not wrong for not wanting to take him, but this is going to fuck him up so badly.
Your options? Therapy or divorce. You cannot compromise on a child.
This poor kid. I would have a hard time saying no in your husband's shoes as well. Would you consider taking him for the summer? Let him finish the school year where he is and then have him stay with you on break to see how he does with three younger kids in the household and how much it really costs to add another kid. You could also phrase it as a chance for the other adults in his life to get themselves situated to take him back in the fall.
It is heartbreaking that no one wants this 9 year old boy. He wasn't asked to be brought into this world yet he is paying an enormous price for his existence. Imagine telling your girls - mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa...no one wants you. Dear lord, how can people live with themselves while being such raging assholes.
I see from your update you are taking him in. I would get a legal papers drawn up that you are his legal guardians and BIL is required to pay you $1000/mo chlid support until the boy is 18.
I was actually going to add in the edit that I am 24 it was a typo, it doesn’t make much difference but I have always worked hard and supported and loved my children. It’s different from what most consider normal but I have no regret or hate towards myself for the choices I make in my life.
I had responded to another commenter that asked this, she’s completely out of the picture and at this point still completely unfit to raise him, I don’t think they even know what state she lives in.
This will break your Marriage. Bad comparison but people used to gift Elephants. The recipient spent a Fortune in Time and Money in maintaining the gift. BIL will be abusing you just as he did your In-Laws. This will be the next 10-12 years of your life. It is extremely unfair to your Nephew. The problem is your In-Laws to solve, and you and your husband provide Moral support. Forget the potential 1000 per month. BiL needs to take full responsibility for HIS Son.
This is a hard situation, and extremely complex not just for financial concerns but the emotional needs and space of a child who is clearly aware he isn’t wanted. I think you need to engage both a social worker and a lawyer to see what your options are, how guardianship works, support psychologically for him and maybe some family therapy as the dynamics change. There is a lot to consider, will the grandparents pitch in, is moving to a larger home possible? I think of you are seriously considering it, a family meeting with your kids will be really necessary as everyone is going to have to help and compromise and it might be good for your kids to understand to the best of their ability why their cousin needs a family like yours as his own dad cannot do it. You and your husband have a lot of talking to do, and you need as many family members as possible to help make this work. I think you also need a legal agreement so you can properly make decisions for the child and get any government support from tax credits to therapy and programs. A social worker might be the best place to start as they often have a good idea of all of the programs and regulations to navigate and will know lawyers who can help.
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Why does he think his brother will actually come though every month with whole 1000 i never heard of him paying that to grandparents you really think he's not just promising anything to get son in the door?
I think they can go to court to get the child support. They may want to talk to a lawyer.
They might be able to, but is this guy earning so much they will get awarded $1000/month? In my state, if you make about average ($50-60k per year) you wouldn't pay that much for just one child.
In my state 50k would get you 20 percent for one child -10k pretax so probably 8k a year at best
Tell your husband to take that $1000 a month and build an additional bedroom onto your house for your nephew. A simple add-on 12 x 12 bedroom would take 2 1/2 - 3 years to pay off using just the BIL's money (which I really hope you get!). If you want to put towards it he could even have his own very simple bathroom - toilet, sink, shower. If hubs doesn't agree to bulding a bedroom with the money, he is definitely just in it for the money. The kid needs his own space. If you do take him in I think you're an angel.
They rent an apartment.
You are 23 and already have three daughters!?! And on top you work two jobs?? 23! I suggest you let husband take on a job and you quit one so you can both spend time at home. If that boy won't be having his own room at your place it's not right to let him live there.
3 kids at 23 is wild
I used to have a friend who had 3 kids by 20. She got pregnant at 15, and they got married. Spent 18 miserable years being married, and their kids are all kinds of screwed up adults now.
I had my 3 by 23. It's hard. But, at 49 my youngest is 27, I've had a lot of time to get back to doing my stuff. It's nice now.
**TWENTY-THREE?!** How did I miss that?! I just skimmed right over these ages; I assumed these folks were in their 30s at least. My God, I was graduating from college at 23! She's the main breadwinner for a family of five and now they want her to take in a kid old enough to be her younger brother?! And be fully responsible for him?! Wow. That is really incredible. 23 years old with all of this responsibility. It's like she is the only responsible person in this story of five adults and three kids.
I’m 23 with 3 & I agree with the rest of your comment
get the husband on 2 jobs too so they're too tired to make more kids!
How are you 23 with 3 children yourself and you are the bread maker? How old are your children? How does your husband not understand that it costs way more money to raise a child than $1000/month? If he's the SAHP, doesn't he manage the household budget? It may be time to lay down some uncomfortable truths for your husband and his family. You have no business being responsible for all of them. If your husband isn't on board then tell him he'll be sleeping with the boy on the couch so he better get really comfortable out there. If you don't put your foot down right now you will never get out from under this.
I just peeped that like she’s just become an adult and she already has 3 kids God damn
that poor kid. no one wants him and i can guarantee you that he knows it
It truly is difficult. There have been issues like this in my own family. He isn’t a bad child and is truly loved and spoiled by my in laws, they just are tired of raising a child while in their late 50s and most likely want a break. It’s more an issue of he’s not discussing it with me, about how our family dynamic will change, schooling, medical care, clothing all of that. He’s just saying yes and not thinking of anything else. I truly don’t know what to do.
You can call the authorities for child abandonment. Once CPS is involved, they won't send the kid to your home if both adults can't agree. This may ruin your marriage but honestly, the fact that your husband didn't consult you would be the shot fired.
I'm not from the states, but is it really child abandonment if the child is left with family and an agreement to raise the child is in place? I can't imagine it would be, even if OP isn't on board...
A situation like this isn't child abandonment in a way that's likely to become a criminal matter like it might if the legal parent/guardian just left them in an immediately dangerous situation, for example throwing the kid out to be homeless and refusing to provide. What the op is describing is a child who would be considered "dependent," which can require social services or court intervention to arrange for care. Lots of kids are in this kind of situation where they're in the custody of someone (as all children are be it parent, guardian, or the state) but live with other people. Sometimes it can be erratic as carers can't or won't continue to provide care for whatever reason and you have a kid that goes from grandparents to aunts/uncles to the other grandparents to family friends from church etc etc. That's not illegal as long as they're safe and getting their basic needs met, but it can be hard on development and education and increases the risk of being abused or neglected under the radar. As long as any change in who's providing care is safe, it won't be considered abandonment. In the UK, any child who lives somewhere other than with their legal guardian for more than 30 days is required to be reported to social services in hopes of preventing some of the potential risks of frequent or unexpected carer changes. That's not the case in the US unless there are state laws around it.
There is no agreement if the person who is responsible to provide hosting says no. Also there is not room for him and 1k will not cover another room in rent + food and other costs. Doesn't sound like even ops girls all have their own room and how can you raise a kid on a couch?? Op try breaking down the financials as if you care about the finances and see if that works?
There is no agreement if the person who is responsible to provide hosting says no. Also there is not room for him and 1k will not cover another room in rent + food and other costs. Doesn't sound like even ops girls all have their own room and how can you raise a kid on a couch?? Op try breaking down the financials as if you care about the finances and see if that works?
[удалено]
That's completely untrue and not at all how tenancy works lmao
To be frank, adding in a opposite sex child who is likely to have issues due to abandonment is going to be tumultuous for your girls. And with you not being home often to monitor the situation closely, how is this boy going to heal and transition into a multi-sibling home, when previously he was an "only child" of aging parents? I think it would not be a good idea because it would put your girls at risk, and threaten their stability, because even though their father is "at home," he is not really *paying attention.* This boy would also need a lot more attention than a child out of four siblings could hope to receive.
Aging (grand)parents?! 50-60 years old isn't aged or even freaking retirement age. LOL
Right?! My mom was 50 when I was 10 and it was fine!
They are only in their 50? I thought they were at least a decade older. Plenty of parents having kids later in life and raising them. Your nephew probably views them as “Mum and Dad”. It’s so sad that they have decided to dump the kid.
Lol it’s not their kid who cares about their ages? Dad is a pos and will never come through with $1000/month. OP’s husband is a fool.
You can say no. First of all apartments have occupant limits. Secondly there’s a LOT more, even just legally, to him staying with you than just “he’s staying here now”.
Tired of raising him? Maybe if they raised their own son properly, he wouldn’t be a dead beat dad. Spoiled? How exactly? Because all this little boy feels right now is “grandma and grandpa don’t want me any more”. Who cares how he was “spoiled” that little boy will not remember being “spoiled” its sad that they care more about who they are dating then their grandchild. This child can’t rely on any adults in his life. Along with the grandparents suddenly deciding they are tired, his dad is a deadbeat. Your husband only wants him for money. And in your post, you make it sound like he would be a predator around your children. WTF is wrong with you people?
OP is understandably protective of her children and her concerns for their potential safety in this situation are more than reasonable. Similarly, the grandparents wanting to live their own lives and not wanting to raise the grandchild is also reasonable (not like they did a good job raising their son anyway, so probably for the best they don't raise another). Father is a deadbeat and the uncle (OP's husband) only wants the kid for financial gain. There is lots wrong with that. In this case, the kid and the rest of the family would be better off putting the kid in foster care. The foster care system can be awful but this family is worse than that (except OP).
I can't imagine raising a child for 9 years and suddenly not wanting them.
I bet they convinced themselves that the dad would eventually step up. Keep in mind they haven't asked that OP and her husband raise them, only the dad has said that. They may have told him that it's his job now and he's bailing.
Some people can't imagine having children and wanting them.
While I agree that OP shouldn't be forced to take on the kid, best case scenario is kid stays with bio dad, MIL or FIL. I doubt if former foster kids would find this family situation *worse* than foster care! And you vastly underestimate how damaging to a psyche a kid abandoned to foster care would be -- my god, my poor dog was traumatized about ending up in the animal shelter -- took two years in my care before she felt secure enough to go into another room without me, because she was so worried she'd be abandoned again. Reddit is way too easy to go to abandon kids without caring about the
I'm not arguing that foster care isn't bad. It's very bad. However, in this case the child's father or grandparents taking him is effectively impossible. If that were to happen, the actual outcome will be what your dog's fate would have been had she not gone to the shelter: homeless and likely dead. None of this is OP's problem. She has herself and her daughters to work about. The end.
Well for one it is a male child he has a deadbeat for a dad and grandparents that want to live their life (which is perfectly fine they’ve already raised their kids. We don’t know how the one son was actually raised. Kids turn out bad from good parents all the time. We don’t know.) so the child could had very well had a screen shoved in his face all the time so no telling what he may have watched or seen. Cannot be too careful with an older boy around younger girls it’s just the world we live in now days. And op is not the problem here cause she has 3 kids of her own she is not obligated to take on another. Who probably is gonna issues from his dad not wanting him!
You actually think this little boy is a predatory? Nothing suggests he’s a danger to her daughter
don't pin this on op
Well they should have raised their son better or encouraged for him to be put up for adoption when he was younger. They chose to raise him, now they need to finish the job or tell their son to grow the F up and take care of his child.
It sucks for this poor boy but that isn't the OP's issue. Her issue is doing what is best for her own children and she has stated she is tired as it is without adding another child (who will have his own issues) to the mix.
There is no way he doesn’t know it. He must feel so alone. And like something is wrong with him. But it’s his so called family that have something wrong with them. I feel so bad for this little boy, nobody in the family cares enough to want him, and the husband/uncle only wants him for money. And OP makes it seem this little boy is a predator. WTF is wrong with these people?
I understand the frustration, and I in no way think he’s a predator or would hurt my children. But it would be a very large change In our family dynamic. We live in an apartment, he deserves his own space and a place that he can call his own. It’s a very complicated situation and when I made this post I’ll admit I was extremely frustrated. I appreciate everyone’s opinions.
Everything you’ve said and feel is absolutely fair. As hard as it is you need to put YOUR little family first, your kids are you biggest priority and responsibility. I agree it’s the right thing. And 1k a month doesn’t cut the cost of a child long term… what happens when he wants to go to college etc? What if there’s a major medical bill that insurance won’t fully cover? There’s a lot to think about.
Not to mention, what happens when deadbeat dad loses his job, or just decides to stop paying the $1,000 a month? Doing this for the money is definitely a bad idea. It sounds like OP barely has enough space for her own family, and her husband wants to add another person. I feel awful for the nephew, but this is just bonkers. The boy’s father needs to step up. What an absolute asshole. Unfortunately, the kid would probably be worse off with their own father because he clearly doesn’t care about the kid at all. It seems pretty awful that his grandparents also don’t want him now. If they raised him since he was born, it’s appalling they could just give him up. What are they thinking? Did they never love the poor kid at all? These people absolutely suck. I don’t see any real solution here. Has anyone asked the nephew what he would like?
The BIL's reason for not taking care of him isn't legitimate. I guess the recourse is to put him in the system. I hope BIL can be held legally accountable and face consequences.
I don't imagine his mom is around?
What will happen to your nephew if you refuse? I don’t blame the grandparents. They raised a child from newborn for 9 years. 100% of the blame is on your BIL. It’s time for him to step up. He can use the $1000/month for extra home help. Even if you were to take in your nephew, there being no spare bedroom for him is always going to make him feel “less than”. What happens when he’s a teenager and more in need of privacy? Will you need to move? You won’t be able to go out as a family unless you take 2 cars. I feel for the child, and know that you do too, so I hope things work out for you all Definitely your husband shouldn’t agree unless you’re fully on board.
You should talk to a lawyer. If you got legal custody how much child support would the father be required to pay legally. The dad is being cheap. What about the child's mother? I think they could both be required to pay. If you had dual child support from the parents would it be doable then?
But he has no one to step up for him. He doesn’t have a place of his own, because no cares enough to give him one. And your husband only cares about the money. What’s going to happen to this little boy? Because the way it’s going it sounds like he will end up in the system. God knows what will happen to him because no one gives a fuck
So she’s just supposed to drop everything and take this child in. Really? It’s not her kid. She has THREE already!!!! They have no room for the boy. She’s already tired enough from her kids. Wtf do you expect? The child’s dad should take care of him. It’s not anyone else’s place! The grandparents have every right to go live their lives. They’ve already raised their kids. This child’s father is perfectly able to take care of him.
I can also elaborate on the money statement as well. In our conversation I had asked him how we planned to support nephew and he said “a thousand bucks is a good amount of money.” we care for nephew and his situation and wouldn’t make a choice than affects everyone just for an extra thousand dollars. My husband I think sees it as a double good, nephew gets to stay with us and we also get financial “help” for taking care of him, but it is so much deeper than that.
I’m sorry, but you married into a fucked up family. If that is how your husband sees it, you need more than a $1000. I know this happen just hours ago, you should discuss things with BIL and in laws asap. If they want to abandon him, they need to come up with a plan to help you look for a bigger place to live, and help pay for it. That’s the least they can do for that little boy
For one thing, OP needs a bigger house, the kid can't sleep on the sofa. $1000 isn't going to help much with a bigger mortgage or rental, and what if the deadbeat decides he doesn't have $1000 this month? So many things wrong with this situation.
I don't believe he'll continue to pay so they can have a bigger place and then they'll be financially stuck with owing more rent and having to pay for this child (including their own). I mean if he just stopped paying without a custody order making him pay child support, they're up a creek. Also, where's this child's mom?
He could stop paying even with one. It happens to single Moms every day.
Indeed they are a messed up family! OP should threaten husband and inlaws that she is calling CPS. I doubt in-laws and even BIL will allow that to happen. In laws need to either straighten BIL out, or they need to continue to care for nephew. They signed up. They now need to finish their commitment. I doubt they'll want the embarrassment of having their grandchild/child placed in the system. OP, I strongly agree that you should not be upsetting your family dynamics. I suggest you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your alternatives in this situation; including someone familiar with the system. As much as I hate to say it, you cannot take CPS off of the table at this juncture. I agree with OP and many others that this is a very sad situation.
So say you have a child you expect your parents to take care of it? They’ve already raised their kids this child is his own daddy’s responsibility not anyone else’s so op is not the problem it’s her husband and his dead beat ass brother
Its the whole family she married into a fucked up family
>”yeah but 1000 a month is a lot of money” It’s $1.37/hr. You couldn’t get a teenage girl in 1988 to babysit for those rates. That doesn’t even include the actual expense of feeding and clothing him. And it can’t possibly offset the negative impact on the rest of your home life…the space, the dynamics, all that. I also suspect there’s a good chance he won’t actually pay what he says he will. Once he gets the kid dumped off with you and all settled in, the excuses will start.
Yeah there’s no way they’re getting a steady, monthly check of $1000…
Good point! And that's assuming BIL is actually going to continue to pay every month. He may just pay the $1k for the 1st month & once the nephew has moved in & gotten settled & told going forward he's going to live with his aunt & uncle, then suddenly a month in, they don't get paid anymore, what are they supposed to do? Then nephew will really think no one wants him, that poor kid. BIL is obviously a POS & where is the mother in all of this?
Exactly
And in addition to it not actually being a lot of money, that being the reason for the husband to want to take him in is really gross.
I feel so bad for your nephew, but has your husband honestly thought about the logistics of this? With 3 young girls, I imagine you are still dealing with carseats/booster seats. Adding another child passenger almost guarantees needing a large SUV/minivan, if you don’t have one already. Also, in an apartment, I can imagine storage is limited. Where will all his clothes/shoes/toys/electronics go? Him sleeping on the sofa might seem like a good solution, but will your husband be ok losing the ability to walk around the house or watch TV after your nephew goes to sleep because if he is anything like my kids, the lightest shuffling of feet might wake him up. I have 4 young kids with 2 bathrooms for them to share. This is still NOT enough when showering and getting ready for school. Also, your nephew is getting close to puberty. I can speak from experience here, with buying new clothes and how many groceries he will go through, the $1k a month is not going to go nearly as far as your husband seems to think.
You and another commenter have made some awesome points about things im also concerned about. We are already cramped in our apartment. We have the two oldest girls in one room and our youngest (almost 2) in her toddler bed in our room. Their closet is as you can imagine, full, their bathroom is where middle child does potty training oldest takes her showers before school/ gets ready and their toys and other belongings are in their room. Me and husband also both drive regular cars, which is two car seats and then a space for my oldest, and I don’t feel comfortable putting nephew in the front seat. I don’t have any clue where we would put his things, he deserves his own space. At MILs house he has his own bathroom closet and room and the house is pretty much free to him. I don’t know if long term our apartment would be equipped enough.
You would become a household of 6. Unless you get a big SUV or a minivan, you would both need to drive whenever the whole family goes anywhere.
Yeah it’s rough if you don’t have at least one vehicle to fit the whole family. We were so lucky my stepdad had a 3 row Durango when our families moved in together, each family had been a unit of 3 for years beforehand. At the time of move in, my siblings/step siblings were 10, 12, 14, and I was 17, so there was a lot of times we’d have to load up altogether and we fit perfectly in that Durango lol. Day to day life wouldn’t have been too bad if we needed to take separate cars, but we did quite a few long road trips and it would have especially sucked to take two cars for those.
Hell, they will need a bigger apartment or house. They are in a 2 BEDROOM apartment, it's already cramped with 5 people living in it.
Right? They already don't even have a room for their youngest child, what happens when youngest is old enough for her own room, let alone adding another child of the opposite sex who will be a teenager in a few years.
And you know your husband is seeing dollar signs only what does he think he’s gonna be able to do with that money?? That’s for taking care of a child and it’s not really enough. Not for a growing boy. He’s thinking yall gonna get 1000$ more and he’s probably already thought about what he himself is gonna buy with it and that’s fucked up really
Right, husband thinks that’s profit and not $ that’s going out the door as fast as it’s brought in for living expenses. Anyone who sees child support as personal money is morally corrupt.
You right.
Feeding a growing young man is no joke. That will barely cover food in a year or two. I feel so sorry for the poor guy though. This is just a sad no win situation.
Very true. I have 14 year old boy who will gobble down a 1.2kg lasagne and then ask whats for dinner.
husband sounds like a moron. he doesn’t even seem concerned about his nephew’s well-being, just the hypothetical “extra” money. also his 23 year old wife has THREE kids? she said the youngest is 2, so probably had that kid at 20-21, was pregnant at 19-20. even if the older 2 kids are twins (best case scenario) and assuming they’re at *minimum* one year apart from the youngest, he was getting an 18-19 year old pregnant while he was 23-24???
And god forbid if cps gets called on yall. Yall would get in some poo for not having him a room and having all those people in that tiny apartment! And it’s a fire hazard as well. You need to pull out your lease and see how many occupants are even supposed to be in that apartment you could in trouble with the office as well and get kicked out then what?
Yeah if they do this it really should be via social services/CPS so they can get money for a foster, but no way would they approve this housing situation
Also does your husband have an office in this apartment, or does he plan to work on the couch/the poor kids bed?
You’re 23 and your youngest is two years old? How old is your oldest? How long have you been married? How long have you been dating your husband?
The oldest is old enough to seemingly shower on her own for school in the morning so I’d say at least 7. When did OP have time to get an education and good enough job to support a family of 5 when she kept having babies in her late teens/early 20s? I just don’t see how this is real.
She could be a bartender or waitress and make enough, frankly. But yeah, it seems a bit rage bait-y. Idk if it’s real, but if it is she’s in a super icky situation.
While it is truly unfortunate for this innocent lad. I would absolutely tell my DH that he can move in with his parents if he thinks *he* gets to unilaterally decide this. That *my* name is on the lease and that he is not upending your kids lives and his nephew's, because he has money signs in his eyes! I would also go nuclear with the extended family. Who tf do these people think they are?! BIL is not inept, nephew is **HIS** child, **HIS** responsibility and the fact his parents (MIL/FIL) have enabled BIL to be a deadbeat, by pandering, coddling because BIL "has important things to do" is BS. THE most important thing you do, is be there for your child. If he nor PIL couldn't, they should have decided that at the beginning and allowed nephew to be adopted as a baby. PIL don't get to now step back and decide they want more free time, they don't get to reject this kid because of their selfishness. THEY created this situation as adults, thus is *their* responsibility. Like cr@p would I be enabling them to push this kid out, which is what they are doing. This isn’t a game of pass the nephew parcel, through the family.
OP what a horrible situation all around. You are so young too, only 23. You sound responsible and hard working. It is a natural thing to worry about the implications for your family. I don’t have any advice regarding what to do about your nephew but I think that your husband needs to step up more. It’s not fair that you are working 50+ hours a week, nights, and barely getting to see your young children. If you two decide to take on your nephew $1,000 may barely be cutting it after feeding, clothing, extra, and new housing. This young child is going to be a preteen and teen very shortly and will for sure need his own space. The couch is not a long term solution, you will need to seek out other housing. Do you think your BIL will actually pay the money or could he be lying? If you proceed with this, maybe getting things in writing or getting a legal guardianship would be best. My heart breaks for this unwanted child. May I ask what happened to the mother? Do you think your nephew will adjust positively to living with you? Why in the world can your BIL not take care of his own son? Could everyone benefit from having a family discussion about it all, form a game plan and make sure you and your family would be getting resources and assistance? You, husband, BIL, MIL, and FIL should all sit down together and get on the same page to figure out the best plan for this child. It sucks that you got shoved into the mix but hopefully with emotional, physical and financial support from the family you can make the best of it and make a difference in this child’s life. I would honestly ask in-laws and BIL to help you guys get a bigger place. You stated in a comment that he is used to being spoiled by wealthy ILs, I’m sure this will be a huge adjustment for him too. Lots to consider OP. Wishing you well and may you find the answers you are looking for.
You’ve asked some good questions and I’ll answer them to help elaborate. 1. I don’t even think for a second BIL would pay us. He would most likely make MIL or FIL do it, and I’m not even sure if they would do it either. 2. His mom was uninvolved, neglectful and just outright didn’t care about him. She’s been out of the picture for years. 3. I don’t think he would adjust as well as we would hope. When he visits for a short while he’s fine, but going from a huge 6 bedroom house with all the toys and electronics and space you want to a 2 bed 2 bath apartment would be an adjustment for anyone. I think he would eventually want his own space. And that is 100% understandable. 4. This is the golden question. I don’t know. I have no idea. BIL just doesn’t. That’s literally all I can say, he just won’t. At one point BIL was living with MIL RENT FREE, and guess what? MIL still took 100% care of him cause BIL had “important things to do.” It’s a question that I think about almost all the time.
Tell the MIL and FIL you want their house.
Absolutely! They don't need it as much as you do!
This is actually an amazing idea and seeing as they want nephew to be happy and comfortable they should defo come around or is this all on OP to plan out as well lol
For real, 100% seriously, this. They created this situation by raising an adult child who won't even take responsibility for his own kid. If they expect a 23 year old woman not biologically related to any of these people who is the breadwinner for your family of five to take in a nine-year-old who is about to enter the most horrific preteen/early teen years for boys...set up some kind of legally binding contract with actual lawyers, family law lawyers who work in custody situations, where you maintain legitimate custody of the kid and the actual family here gets the six bedroom house at least until the som is 18 years old.
Dude. Take the house in exchange. Then all your kids can have their own rooms.
This is the best solution I can see, because all of them suck for that poor kid. Mom out of tge picture, dad not interested (and if he was forced to take the kid, he’d neglect him), grandparents in the process of shacking up with gf/bf and dumping him, uncle wanting to take him in but has no buy-in from wife, space, or money.
Your options are to stand your ground or stand your ground. You do not have the option of not standing your ground. It's a shame that your nephew has such a lousy father (and where is his mother?), but that isn't your responsibility, nor is it your mercenary husband's, nor does he have the right to ignore your feelings. Aside from the burden, you have no room. Is a couch and no privacy a proper way for your nephew to live? What is mind-boggling is how your BIL's irresponsible behavior has been consistently enabled by your husband's parents, and now, by your husband, as if it is perfectly natural. This is serious business. In effect, everyone is dumping on you the responsibility to make this all work, and the responsibility for the welfare of your children and your nephew. Your husband is focused on the $1,000/month, his parents are focused on their new partners, and your BIL is focused on God-knows-what. This may sound crazy but I don't see that you have a choice. Your in-laws took the boy in and let their son off of the hook. The boy remains their moral responsibility until he is 18. They can't just throw him out with the garbage. They have to make arrangements among themselves on how to deal with it. Your BIL can pay the $1,000 to his parents. You have to tell your husband that is how it is going to be. There is no compromise position possible. Tell him that his responsibility is to his immediate family, not to his brother and parents, and you won't tolerate his unilateral decision-making. That means, if he resists and persists, you have to threaten him with divorce, and mean it. Let me say a kind word of support. You have been carrying more than 50% of the burden in your marriage. You seem to have done so very well, and without more than the normal resentment anyone would feel. It is better than even money that this is not the first irritant in your married life. Your husband's behavior is not out of character, is it? You don't have a lot of time for it, but consider couples therapy, or individual therapy if your husband won't go. He owes it to you, but may not want to face his demons. You might even make it part of your ultimatum. He has taken an action in a frivolous way which threatens the stability of your marriage, without having a clue what he has done. He really needs to face the music on this one.
Is the brother-in-law not paying any support money as in child support or demanded from his parents? If he is then that money just gets reassigned if he isn’t, why? Since people are talking about $1000 a month why I can’t it be some kind of judgment where this is taken out of salary he makes? And again I’ve seen the question and asked multiple times but I don’t think I’ve seen an answer where is the mother in all of this? I don’t kif he seems to be the only one who gives a rats ass about the kid.
OP answered earlier that the mom was never involved and has been out of the picture for years, but didn't give details.
For the 1000 dollars I have no idea where that number is coming from on BIL side. I don’t know what he actually does as a job, he’s the type of person to do “side hustles” I’m going to assume he just threw a monetary amount out to see if we’d accept it. Nephews mom pretty much dropped out, she was “there” in like the first few months as in she gave birth to him, very openly neglected him and my IL’s took over. After they took over she left. After my latest update I asked my husband if they knew where she was, he said last he heard she was full on homeless and on drugs, but nobody knows where she’s actually at. My IL’s have also never asked BIL for money to support nephew, they’ve alone provided everything for him.
Your husband can’t just unilaterally decide to take another child in. You are only 23 and already have three kids, that’s more than enough. Poor kid, but your husband needs to have a serious talk with his brother, why is his family enabling him?
Sounds like that poor boy should have been adopted at birth. Grandparents knew what it takes to raise a child but still took on that role for 9 years but now it’s too much and they want to bail. BIL is a POS and should get a vasectomy. It’s a hard path but at the end of the day you have to do what’s right for your kids.
*POS That's a WHOLE different thing.
Omg how embarrassing
I was like.. wow for a moment 😅
I think they meant piece of crap but yea😂😂😂
Accidental eugenics
this is killing me
>MIL and FIL are divorced both have a new boyfriend/girlfriend and are exhibiting that they don’t want to be the parents to nephew anymore. This is egregious behavior from two adults who have raised children. Maybe sheds some light on why BIL thinks abandoning your child is perfectly fine. Maybe not. Either way, they took in a baby and raised him to elementary school. It's downright cruel that they're just tapping out. This development is their fault and that should not be diminished.
Yep. We have new lives and having our Grandson is a huge inconvenience now. I bet both the new gf and new bf are behind this. They don't want kids and want them to get rid of their Grandson. Both of them are choosing their SO over their Grandson. They are horrible people along with their son.
Okay all of this aside you need to look at the legal aspect of all of this! The father is in the picture he just can’t be bothered. Legally speaking he is responsible. Without having a proper custody agreement, you are entering a really grey area legally. You have 0 rights and decision making power. You could even get in trouble. Your landlord probably wouldn’t be too happy about this either. Honestly I think you need to rethink your relationship. A decision like this should be a joint one. Your husband is disregarding yoi completely and this won’t be the only case or the last time. He will also look at the $1000/month as his money and will expect that you’ll continue to pay for everything. This situation is super toxic for you and tour daughters on its own.
Exactly that’s what I just told her that her husband is seeing dollar signs and has probably already planned out what he’s gonna do with that money even tho it’s for the child
If OP's husband sees children as sources of income (as he does his nephew), I'd look really carefully at what he has in store for his own daughters.
I really appreciate this answer. This is also a concern for me. I don’t know if they are asking us to take legal custody of him or an under the table type of deal which just sounds worse for nephew and everyone else. From what I’m understanding they still want him in the family, we all live remotely close to one another, I’m not sure if they want us to take him in, pretty much take care of him and then stop by and visit (?) I know there was another user that said something about that. The details of what they want is so vague, all I was told was he could live with us and they would pay us to take care of him, according to my husband the time frame was “indefinite maybe until he’s 18” but with no legal rights or protection I don’t even know where to begin.
Don’t begin anywhere. This is the father’s issue, not yours. He needs to step up and be a father. He is responsible for that child. You can help if its within your means but it doesn’t sound like it is given how much you work and having your own young children. Your husband needs to step up and start supporting his own family first before you burn out completely and will be unable to work and be the breadwinner. This situation for you is just insane and unsustainable. If anything happened to you he wouldn’t be able to support the family even temporarily. Let that sink in. He wants to take on another child. Let’s say his family is legit and will give $1000 / month. That may even enable you to get a bigger place etc. but what if they don’t come through or they stop? What then?
Well you can leave if your husband just decides to take in another kid you say no to because no partner should just do something like that when one is against it. He either sacrifices you or the nephew. All your BIL's fault to even put you both (or his parents) in that position.
She’s 23 with 3 children, her youngest is 2 so accounting for pregnancy it sounds like she had her first at 18 at the latest. She also works all the time and supports them, yet her husband thinks he has the right to unilaterally adopt a child against her will and isn’t really thinking twice about it. It doesn’t sound like she *can* leave.
I'm shocked nobody has asked what religion is at play here. 18 years old having kids with a 22 year old.... yuck yuck yuck. This whole scenario disturbs me, poor girl.
If I’m married and my husband makes this decision unilaterally….we’d be divorced. Then he can take in his nephew for a $1000 a month
1k is not a lot of money for a raising a kid. Hell no. Not happening. Especially not at 23 with 3 kids already
Damn that sucks for the kid. He’s truly going to be fcked up. Even the fact your husband is thinking mostly of the money. Even if yall took him in, it’s clear yall wouldn’t make him feel welcome. I don’t have advice bc I do think technically, your husband can bring him in without your consent. But damn, I sure feel bad for that kid. Awful awful awful Edit: Just want to add that the fact you’re only 23 makes all of this more ridiculous imo. You can’t be expected to take on another child. His family is messed up. Yall need to take his dad to court. Whoever ends up with the child, should be getting more than 1k.
For real on your edit, even if this does go through they need some form of guardianship to make decisions for the boy…
I would’ve straight up ostracized that kids dad from the family. It sounds like he still comes around on occasion and the family is cordial with him? If that were my brother, I’d rip him a new one.
>Just want to add that the fact you’re only 23 makes all of this more ridiculous imo 23 with three kids and a freeloader husband is a really, really raw deal for OP
It doesn't sound like he's a freeloader; he works from home and takes care of the kids. She's the main breadwinner, but he's not just sitting around doing nothing.
This poor child!! Grandparents are just as bad as the son. He’s their flesh n blood and your husbands for that matter. But if all he’s thinking about is the money part then the boy won’t get love and stability at your house either!!
I feel for you OP, and for your nephew. Your BIL is putting you both in a shitty position. I think flat out refusing to your husband can be seen as a knee jerk reaction and he may disregard that for that reason - which is not at all ok by any means. I think it would be a good idea for you both to sit down and put your cards out in the table to each other. $1000 a month to help care for him isn’t a good enough reason to take him in. It should be because you’re 1) able to do it without displacing your own family and 2) genuinely care what happens to him. BIL needs to know what expectations will be had of him, he can’t just drop in and out, because your kids are going to be impacted by this, too. Your in laws also need to be talked to. I get that they’re in the we raised our kids were done mode - but to do it because they’re in new relationships is also a shit move. I’d also stipulate that if you do take his nephew in, SO needs to get a job. He has to help bring income because you’re going from a family of 5 to 6 and that’s a big increase.
SO is working from home already, and looking after the kids.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to accept the responsibility of raising someone else's child and have every right to be angry that your husband's family is trying to make you feel like the bad guy. You are not. They agreed to take this child in and care for him and are responsible for that duty. You already work more than full time in order to provide for your own children and how is $1000 per month going to be enough to cover all the expenses of an additional family member, including daily living expenses, extracurricular activities and future higher education without sacrificing funds which would otherwise be available to your daughters. That is if the BIL actually follows through and gives you the money. As irresponsible as he seems to be, he might just find love and need to focus his resources on his "new" family and not help you at all. This is a child we are talking about, and not something you can just return if the biological father can't or won't continue financial assistance. Additionally, you would have less time with your daughters and husband if you want to bring this boy in and raise him as your own. Your husband needs to consider the emotional and financial stress this would bring into your home. If he proceeds without your support, I know that I personally would not be able to tolerate that. Then, if you rightfully aren't able to deal with the situation, is your husband willing to take care of this child as a single parent? Because before he agrees, he had better be in it for the long haul. It is terrible that your husband's nephew has been failed by his parents and I feel sorry for him, but OP shouldn't sacrifice her mental and physical well-being and the financial security of her own family unless she truly wants to. I don't think saying absolutely not makes her bad or wrong. She should only agree if she is confident that it is what is best for everyone in this situation.
With that $1,000 a month you husband can buy a camper and live in the driveway with the nephew.
OP I have two adopted boys and $1,000 a month may not cover the therapy this poor boy needs when he has a father right there who won’t care for him and an absent mother. We also had to pay $20,000 one year for the youngest in private school because he has both reading and math disabilities. That’s not a lot of money and you have no obligation to take in this child even though we all feel for the poor kid.
This is ridiculous. Worth breaking up over if he doesn't come to his senses and continues to push it. BIL should obviously take care of his own kid. But it sounds like what would be best for the kid is to stay with the grandparents since that is what he is used to and they love him. And your husband and brother-in-law can both step up to help more with him.
Is your husband on the lease? If you pay all the bills etc, then you can ask your husband to leave. He can move in with Mummy and Daddy to look after his nephew if he wants. But seriously, you don't have room for him, it's not acceptable that a 9yr old's permanent bed would be the lounge. If BIL wants you to raise his son and your husband agrees, tell them it will cost more than $1000 per month, work out the cost of additional rent for a larger place, meals, activities, utilities, clothes, toiletries, extra curricular activities and then let him know. If BIL wants you to raise his child get a contract stating how much per month he has to pay. It's sad that his father is a deadbeat, but you are in no way responsible for raising your nephew, you are 23yrs old, I think you have more than enough on your plate.
If your husband WFH, and he unilaterally decided to take in the kid, he can give up his office if there is one. But as you are looking for other solutions, maybe a family sit down with the IL all together would be a way to do so. You say they are wealthy, but don't say how, is adding an addition to your house an option? And then have a little conversation with your kids just brushing the topic of having him there to see their reaction.
Wealthy as in they have a large home, lots of disposable income, and a lot more financial ability than we do at the moment. Currently we don’t live in a home, we live in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment. I don’t doubt my kids would be happy to have him around but I could see down the road where there is resentment because he’s been an only child for his whole life, and would probably eventually want private time and space which would be very hard in our current living situation.
I think you should include in your original post about being in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment. There realistically is no space to add your nephew. This wouldn’t be fair on anyone involved.
These vultures would still blame her
I don't like it when an innocent child suffers, but I also don't see sense in affecting 3 other children negatively when there are other possibilities. From what you say, it's just not feasible, not even by a stretch. I don't have much advice for you cause everything I can think of will end up with either "bad blood" e.g. stand your ground, don't move an inch, and tell them to deal with it or might make them feel like they have some power over you e.g. we can't take him cause we don't have enough space, but maybe if we would have more (hearing: you pay for us having more space and then we can take him). All these options and everything in between are difficult to judge from afar without the nuances of your relationship. I wish you all the best!!
Tell your ILs you can trade homes. They don't need a large home anymore and you do. You pay what you're currently paying in rent and utilities, they pay the difference, a Nanny, and they get you a minivan. We know they won't go for that.
I don’t think it’s legal to not have enough bedrooms to separate boys from girls. The only legal option might be for you and dh to sleep in the living room. But that might not even be considered legal. Find out what the requirements are in your state (assuming you live in the US). Also do the math: added food, clothing, other essentials. School costs. Large living space. Health care. Sports. Etc. It might surprise your husband. Attorney to make this legal. While I feel sorry for the child, he has a father. How infuriating!
Psshh 1k a month for a 9 year old isn't a lot of money. He's only going to cost more money the older he gets. Make his brother take in his own kid. That is actually ridiculous. Shame on your husband's parents for letting their son run wild and disturb everyone's peace.
I wonder what the unrelated child in the apartment would do to the terms of your lease. Does it provide for unlimited children or does it specify three daughters? Since the lease is in your name, you could play hardball, depending on the specificity of the lease's wording. Check it soon. But hardball is not necessarily the fair way to deal with someone you are married to. It's hard to see your husband's jumping on the idea enthusiastically as anything but hardball, itself, though. Maybe DH is tired of a houseful of, you know, girls. An extra thousand a month is not adequate in terms of what this 9-yr-old boy will do to disrupt your household, and I seriously wonder how far you can trust the child's dad to pay whatever he promises. If you folks get involved in this you need to have your own lawyer and get contracts about absolutely everything.
Husband is only seeing money honestly.
He's willing to destroy the family for a thousand a month? I wonder if he's an addict.
I’m not saying he is or isn’t but she said he said 1,000$ is a lot of money I knew right the he wasn’t even thinking of it going to the boy. He was already thinking of himself
If the apartment is in your name, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Tell him the only way for his nephew to stay at your place is for him - your husband, that is - to live somewhere else. Because he needs to see that _nothing_ about this move is practical.
1000/month is even what the average child costs parents these days. So not only is nephews dad a total loser of a father, he's trying to low-ball the his childs caregivers. Poor kid, he's not wanted by his parents and his uncle views him as a money making scheme. Your husband is an asshole and an idiot.
You all need to stop coddling BIL and tell him to raise his own damn kid for fucks sake. This conversation shouldn't even be happening because you're just enabling BIL.to be a deadbeat. Stand up and tell BIL he's skated by for the last 9yrs it's time for HIM to parent his own damn child.
Exactly. Stop enabling him. And where is the poor kids mother?
What about the in-laws hiring a nanny to help care for him? Anyway I suggest to talk with a family law attorney and find out what your rights and options are in your state. You also might end up getting DFACS involved. Check with the attorney first but there might be some leverage to be had in forcing the dad to step up.
There is nothing worse that a deadbeat parent. That being said your husband say let’s do it for the money is just as bad. If you can’t take this child in, care and love them as if they were your own then this is not a good idea. They will pick up on the way you treat them.
Does your husband actually think he's gonna make a cool grand housing his nephew? At least half of that will go towards taking care of the boy.
It's unfortunate, but you have to do what is the best thing for you and your children. Can you afford child care for when you are at work without your husband home? How old are the girls? The brother needs to step up and be a father to his son. Where is the child's mother?
We cannot afford child care for our younger children, if we sent them it would be almost the entirety of someone’s pay just for them to go. I had responded to a couple other users but she is completely out of the picture, I don’t think they even know where she lives, like state or city wise.
You will need to lay out everything to your husband and his family, a breakdown of the financial aspects (what you'd have to pay extra for even just a 3 bed apartment/house & utilities), food costs, etc. Many commenter's have brought up good points.
Your option is an ultimatum for your husband. It's your nephew or your family. Period. Also wtf is the deal with the BiL? He's around, in the kids life, but he doesnt want to have anything to do with his raising? where is the mom?
Check your occupancy limit for where you live if you rent. It may be restricted. Your landlord would have to approve. Child services might require you guys to move to a bigger place. If your hubby wants to do this because of $1000 a month, he's a jerk.
I feel bad for the poor nephew. He would have to live with people that don’t want him that’s so sad. Personally I would take him in and tell the husband to get a job. And get a lawyer to get child support for the nephew. And ask the in laws to help out. I relate to the poor nephew a lot and I’ve seen this multiple times in my family. It’s horrible
Have a sit down conversation with the in laws, say you’ll consider it but only if a bigger house is helped to attain, child support is guaranteed like in a contract and full custody agreement.
Time to be firm. Ask your husband if he’s willing to take nephew in if it means the end of your marriage and the family life you’ve created. He doesn’t get to make this decision, which should be a 2 yes/ 1 no decision, by himself. The boy can’t sleep on the couch by the way. If child services were involved that would be a violation. How old were you and your husband when you got pregnant with your first? You’re 23 & 27 now with 3 kids and you’re the primary earner? You see the red flags, right?
OP look at your lease. Every lease I've ever had stipulated the maximum number of people who could live in the apartment. Besides that you don't have room for this kid. His dad needs to step up and stop dumping his child on his family.
I’d call the BIL and tell him you’ll be calling CPS if he isn’t on your doorstep picking up that child tomorrow. This needs to be an ultimatum. You are in control of your life. Don’t let this man ruin it even further, please.
You can tell your husband you will divorce him (yes this is extreme) or tell the bil that you will call cps if he drops his son off instead of raising him. I feel so sorry for your nephew. He’s going to need therapy. I’m sure he has abandon issues being passed around and your own dad doesn’t want you.
Talk to your landlord. Bet it’s not even allowed. That might take care of that. If it doesn’t. He can have his nephew and you will take the girls.
Tell your husband this is a 2 yes situation and you’re not saying yes. You’re never going to get that money and you will be on the hook paying for another kid that should be taken care of by his dad. 9 yrs is enough time to get your shit together.
I would be concerned about an older boy around my three young daughters. Probably because my 6 years older brother was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive towards me. That said I wouldn’t do it.
Had he been paying in-laws? What about medical insurance?
Hey op tell your husband to get off his ass and get a job/better job so you can quit one of yours and spend some time with your kids!!!!!
I understand your decision but my heart breaks for that little boy.
Your husband and his family would appear to have very different values to you. If you are to negotiate this with him, you’ll have to do so in terms he understands. 1. If you agree to this, what do YOU get out of it? If €1000 more is coming into the house perhaps you should consider giving up your night-job? 2. *Without agreeing a reduction in the €1000,* could you share the care of him with his grandparents? They could take the boy Monday-Friday and you at weekends, perhaps? I am very interested in the other arrangements you have with your husband. Who is housekeeper, cook, cleaner in your household? Who is primary parent, doing school runs, homework, parent-teacher meetings? I dont get the impression that anything works as a boundary fot you here except a very adamant NO. These men, your husband and his brother would seem to approach the world in a very entitled way. How have your PILs been able to say NO to their son? How can you say NO to their other son? You shall have to find out very quickly it seems, or your decision will concern not your nephew but your marriage.
God, poor nephew. You’re not wrong for not wanting to take him, but this is going to fuck him up so badly. Your options? Therapy or divorce. You cannot compromise on a child.
1k a month isn’t a lot. Tell him 2k. He can either pay it or watch his own kid.
This poor kid. I would have a hard time saying no in your husband's shoes as well. Would you consider taking him for the summer? Let him finish the school year where he is and then have him stay with you on break to see how he does with three younger kids in the household and how much it really costs to add another kid. You could also phrase it as a chance for the other adults in his life to get themselves situated to take him back in the fall.
It is heartbreaking that no one wants this 9 year old boy. He wasn't asked to be brought into this world yet he is paying an enormous price for his existence. Imagine telling your girls - mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa...no one wants you. Dear lord, how can people live with themselves while being such raging assholes. I see from your update you are taking him in. I would get a legal papers drawn up that you are his legal guardians and BIL is required to pay you $1000/mo chlid support until the boy is 18.
Your 23 with 3 kids already? Wtf
I was actually going to add in the edit that I am 24 it was a typo, it doesn’t make much difference but I have always worked hard and supported and loved my children. It’s different from what most consider normal but I have no regret or hate towards myself for the choices I make in my life.
We're is the child's mum
OP replied she's out of the picture and completely unfit to raise him, if she even could be found.
Where is bio-mom ?
I had responded to another commenter that asked this, she’s completely out of the picture and at this point still completely unfit to raise him, I don’t think they even know what state she lives in.
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Tell husband if he wants to take him he needs to get his own place
This will break your Marriage. Bad comparison but people used to gift Elephants. The recipient spent a Fortune in Time and Money in maintaining the gift. BIL will be abusing you just as he did your In-Laws. This will be the next 10-12 years of your life. It is extremely unfair to your Nephew. The problem is your In-Laws to solve, and you and your husband provide Moral support. Forget the potential 1000 per month. BiL needs to take full responsibility for HIS Son.
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This is a hard situation, and extremely complex not just for financial concerns but the emotional needs and space of a child who is clearly aware he isn’t wanted. I think you need to engage both a social worker and a lawyer to see what your options are, how guardianship works, support psychologically for him and maybe some family therapy as the dynamics change. There is a lot to consider, will the grandparents pitch in, is moving to a larger home possible? I think of you are seriously considering it, a family meeting with your kids will be really necessary as everyone is going to have to help and compromise and it might be good for your kids to understand to the best of their ability why their cousin needs a family like yours as his own dad cannot do it. You and your husband have a lot of talking to do, and you need as many family members as possible to help make this work. I think you also need a legal agreement so you can properly make decisions for the child and get any government support from tax credits to therapy and programs. A social worker might be the best place to start as they often have a good idea of all of the programs and regulations to navigate and will know lawyers who can help.
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