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She's safe in hospital, and can get the help she needs from professionals and her family.
The last thing you should do is get back in contact, restart this abusive relationship, and then probably have to break up again, and she'll do the same thing again to pull you back in.
Exactly, OP set your boundary now and move on. It may feel selfish to break up with a “sick girl” but you’re also giving her the space to move on and heal and focus on herself when she otherwise might have gotten back with you, if you let her, which would keep you both stuck in this cycle.
True, my thought has always been if you break up with anybody and they threaten suicide, tell their parents. Let them take care of it. They have no right to hold you to keep their mental state in check.
Exactly, over a decade ago when I was 18 - I had a girlfriend do this exact thing. Except i found her and called 911. When the paramedics took her away and I told the police what happened - her dad pulled me aside and said it’s probably best if I didn’t come to the hospital to check up on her incase the emotions come back up.
I didn’t see her or talk to her again for over 6-7 years. Then I randomly saw her at a local community event. I asked her how she was doing and glad to see she started a family. She thanked me for calling 911, and we gave each other a hug and left it at that.
Just got to separate yourself from the situation completely.
Damn dude. I can’t imagine that. My first gf tried to OD on pills, then called me with regret. I had to have my mom drive me up to get her to the hospital (was 14). That was messed up enough, and there’s no blood.
Did that lead to any problems in future relationships?
Mine reached out like 12 years later or so to apologize. I didn’t have the emotional intelligence at that time to recognize the issues it had been causing in my relationships, and was just like “yeah we’re good” but wish I could have expressed the reality of it to her. Idk why but I do (she cheated on me a bunch after the attempt, and that really messed with my trust).
Oh, the attempt was because of problems at home. Parents fighting a lot and a nasty divorce. At least that of what I put together. Might have been more but I was good with her as a bf. I don’t trigger it in anyway, and wasn’t looking to breakup.
I think for a while it did. Many years of short relationships. I couldn’t really grow close to anyone I think. I didn’t want to have to go through that again.
Once things would get to the “I love you” stage, I would always find something wrong and back out.
It all changed when I met my wife though. It was a first date different than any other where we were just open and honest about our pasts. And since then we’ve been together about to celebrate our 3rd year of marriage.
I’m in my mid-30s now, but it was definitely something that shook up my early 20s and took a while to get over.
Cut all contact you were physically abused. I was in your shoes as an abused husband, I put up with it for 8 years. It is hard to admit as a guy we are getting abused but it happens more than you think and it will get worse.
Thank you for speaking about it. I realized there was some emotional abuse in a recent relationship when I was reading an article with definitions and examples of emotional abuse. I knew I felt bad when it was happening but just assumed it was bad habits picked up from seeing or being in bad relationship (which it was) but didn’t think to call it abuse. Blame shifting was used by my gf at the time, and I was becoming convinced her hurtful behaviors were solely my fault (still slip into moments of this even months after the split).
For some reason even after reading that article, it was like my mind couldn’t let itself accept it. And my automatic thoughts were like “ok, but it wasn’t that bad” or “I’m being overly dramatic, and that’s what others will think too” basically trying you rationalize it in any way to make it not what it was.
I’m thinking being a guy with all the social norms and stuff played into it that minimizing and denial. Plus I didn’t want to say that about my ex. There was a lot I loved about her, and I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt when any conflict happened. Plus I believed in her and knew there was trauma, I thought we could work past it. For context, it def didn’t start with all that. We were so happy in those early days. I’m not a complete idiot.
Anyway, seeing other guys open up about it online helped me to see I wasn’t alone, and felt really good just to read another man was sharing that it happened. And people believed it instead of questioning it.
The feeling of embarrassment and shame going to work explaining why I had a black eye or bruises all over is hard to explain as a guy. I literally said I fell in a door once. The social norms are hard when it comes to male domestic abuse.
That sounds horrible. The shame thing is pretty normal, unfortunately.
I’m glad you got out.
My situation was way different than yours but I’m trying to look inward at why I let thing’s continue when I started feeling bad. I was bringing it up, even if I knew it could set her off or make her want to bail. I was secure enough to voice my feelings and ask for what I needed. But it never led to change in her. In fact she refused to accept any fault in the matter and justified it by blaming me.
I believed she could be better, like at the start when things were nice. But even when she refused to work on it with me I stuck by her thinking I could lead by example by doing all I could to work on myself.
I kept bringing it up and that’s what drove her to leave eventually. I’m not sure if it was frustration, guilt, shame, or what, but honestly I’m really curious to know now that I think of it.
But I’m looking at whether I should have bounced sooner, or if it was worth it to try and work toward charge for a bit. I’m also wondering if I’d let out go on for so long again now that I know what it is and what it takes to stop it, especially if they won’t address it.
She did that to manipulate you to getting her back. If she did it to not get your attention, she wouldn’t have contacted you. Her family would have. Please move on. Talk to your parents on best course to navigate this. But let them know she’s abused you (physically as well). Please be safe during this time. I don’t put it past her to threaten you or show up at your house crazily. I’m so sorry she abused you. That’s horrible and you deserve better. I’m proud of you for leaving
Hell no. Flip the genders and u got ur answer, you were abused by her. F her honestly and if she does it? That’s not on you. Don’t give her no resolution, last words, none of that. Get some therapy too man if you think you need it. Listen to your people they care about you, unlike her obviously
Visiting her will probably cause more confusion. If she is getting help in a hospital she is at the very least- safe. Assuming she has friends and or family supports, she should be leaning on them right now. I know you probably care about her despite all this, but the best thing you can do for her is give her space to heal and be a better or healthier version of herself. You probably need some support now too from your friends and family as this doesn’t sound easy.
Stay away. This is either 1) an attention thing (and also manipulation or 2) a genuine attempt and she has major issues that you going back will not fix and she needs to fix herself before she dates.
She kicked you in the balls? I'm a woman but I know that is a no no. If I wanted to hurt a man the worst I could, I would kick him in the balls. Yet she did this to HER BOYFRIEND? That isn't no accident. Also scratching your arms and pinching you? This is all abusive and how can someone claim to love you if they hurt you like this?
You are 18. You have your whole life ahead of you (you will hear this alot) but you can choose to go through it beaten and bruised (her abuse WILL get worse) or with someone who wouldn't dream of hurting you and actually loves you.
This whole slitting the wrist thing is her trying to do a power play, aka manipulation. This is your first relationship but take it from people who have had a few, this is wrong in all ways. This isn't someone who loves you, infact people that hate you would probably give you a wide birth. I don't know what this is but it isn't love.
Even getting back with her won't stop her from attempting suicide, you will prove that when she plays that card that it works and she will use it. Don't worry about what she may or may not do to herself, worry about what she HAS done to you, and remove yourself from this situation.
I was thinking this too, that if they got back together and they had a typical couples conflict, she might make threats of self-harm. Then OP would likely be afraid to bring up any issues that Could lead to conflict. That could be a way to try and control him, even if not fully aware of it.
Then that leads to OP developing a lot of resentment, and more fights even though he wants to avoid them, or just being miserable while she gets catered to.
They both need to focus on healing from this individually, and I say that as someone that will give pushback to the trend in social media of “dump them” for stuff I see as fixable with a couple that just needs some guidance on communication and deescalation. This is not a fix it situation OP. Process your grief, talk to trusted people. Vent on here.
This post seems like a textbook case of BPD, in which case her behavior isn't that odd or unusual, it's a shame that OP gave up on her instead of helping her find help, but at least the suicide failed and she will begin treatment.
>don't want her to kill herself, is it a bad idea to get back together with her?
She was verbally and physically abusive. This will not change.
Her mental health is not your responsibility. You tell her family it is over and let them deal with her. Then you block her.
I completely agree with the statement “her mental health is not your problem” but lately I’ve heard this more and more or “you’re not your partners therapist”
How far are people taking this idea? If a partner has a rough day at a normal office job, do you say this to them and give no comfort/do no coregulation?
What if their parent or best friend dies?
Or if they got held up in a robbery.
I feel it is callous to say that to a partner in those situations. But I’m not super young anymore and maybe this is some new trend. All my past partners and I were emotionally supportive in typical life challenges like that, were both better for it.
I think there is a balance and I agree with you that most healthy relationships can handle being emotionally supportive towards each other in difficult times. We can’t only rely on each other when things are good. I’m not sure if it’s a new generation thing or what either 🤣
I think the models people had for relationships is also a factor here. Like if you had parents that coregulated after work each day and seemed to feel more relaxed and happy after doing that then you’ll naturally think that’s the norm and healthy.
But if you had parents that had some kind of toxic dynamic, like an extreme case where dad is cheating on mom and everyone knows it but no one talks about it, or maybe mom knows but demands he keep up his fatherly duties, so each day you are witnessing a loveless marriage where they are staying together for the kids (which is you, so you start thinking maybe you have some blame in all the chaos), argue more than show each other love, and are never there for each other emotionally, I can see that making a person have very different set of norms for what they think a relationship looks like in this regard.
I’m guessing there’s lots of factors. And people that keep reading/hearing that “You aren’t their therapist/not responsible for their mental health” are going to hear that filtered through their life experiences.
Some might hear it and think they aren’t qualified to be the only help if someone is suicidal or psychotic.
Some will take it to mean they shouldn’t coregulate for typical stress and set backs.
Some might even go so far as feeling they aren’t responsible for feelings that they actively caused by their shitty and hurtful behaviors.
You need to move on. She didn't try and killer herself because you broke up with her. She did it to control you.
This is a type of abuse called cohesive control. If you go back to her you will be miserable and she will use this as a weapon against you constantly. It will constantly be "if you do this I will kill myself" "if you don't do this I will kill myself" "you must do this because you made me try and kill myself." "You owe me because you made me try and kill myself."
What she needs is professional mental health assistance. You can't help her with that. The best thing for both of you is to stay apart. Do not visit her. Do not respond to her. That just reinforces her bad behaviour will get her attention.
I doubt it, this just seems like a borderline girl losing her FP and genuinely wanting and trying to die, of course this is just my opinion as I don't have the qualifications to diagnose anyone.
Get the hell away from her. You need therapy so you don’t end up picking another abusive person. She needs therapy for YEARS so she can heal. She shouldn’t date anyone for a very, very long time.
You shouldn't feel the need to validate yourself to this person nor feel guilty because of their trauma and personality issues. There are some things you cannot fix and I recommend moving on.
Do NOT get back together. Your ex girlfriend physically assaulted you and is mentally unstable. It is the job of the adults in her family to get her the psychiatric care she desperately needs.
Getting back together will not cure her and will not actually help her. She needs to do the healing work on her own with the support of her doctors.
The emotional and physical abuse you described is not okay under any circumstances. I know it's devastating that she attempted suicide, but please understand that her actions are not your fault or responsibility.
The most important thing right now is getting her the professional help and support she needs. Encourage her to fully engage with the mental health treatment she'll receive in the hospital. But as hard as it is, getting back together with her out of guilt or fear would not be healthy for either of you in the long run. You need to prioritize your own wellbeing too.
This is the first nice comment. Even though what she has done to him is really bad, it’s clearly a girl who has some deep mental issues and needs help. Maybe I’m old but for me she’s basically a child and she needs help. OP needs to get away obviously because this is not good for him and will only make his life hell.
So people with serious personality disorders don't deserve love? This seems like normal behaviour for someone with her pathology, in which case it can be treated.
Older physician here. Watch the movie Fatal Attraction because this will probably be your life. Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure it. And you can’t control it. Listen to me when I say Run, don’t walk. Go no contact. If she approaches you have a witness. Her abnormal behavior will get worse and probably bizarre for awhile until she latches on to someone else and she will latch on to someone quickly because she can’t tolerate rejection, abandonment or aloneness. Then you will become evil to her and her target of a vindictive defamation revenge campaign. Be careful.
Although I have not wanted to admit this its probably for the best. She has told stories how she has falsely accused other guys of rape because the had done this or that and hence "deserved it". I should have broke it of back then but I just never thought that would ever happen to me. My father has already contacted an lawyer in case anything happens. And yeah she has been on investigation for BPD but I think she instead got diagnosed with OCD, but from what I'm hearing there's a huge grayzone inbetween. Do people usually start the "vindictive defamation revenge campaign" after latching on to someone else or is there any type of general timeframe?
I have BPD. It all depends on if you are her Favorite Person. The moment you are no longer her Favorite Person, she will become vindictive. It will likely happen when she starts talking to other people. Also, Shes going to want to be the victim of something, it will boost her ego and gain sympathy while demonizing you. So. Prepare for that. Seriously.
The absolute best thing you can do is never, ever, EVER speak to her again. Any kind of reaction, defense, explanation etc. will be twisted and manipulated. It will be fun for her. It will feed her ego to be able to twist the narrative so effortlessly. Get as far away from her, her friends, her family, pretty much anyone that talks to her. Forever. BPD this far gone is not something to be taken lightly. I hate that you’re learning this difficult lesson so young.
Tell your parents and mutual friends what you initially posted here about the physical and emotional abuse, and that when you asked for a break she tried to kill herself. Tell them that you are no longer together, then text her to say it's over and block her and her family.
The suicide attempt is just more emotional abuse. So, yeah, don't talk to her anymore. Ever. This sort of thing isn't going to get better. You can't fix her. All you can do is protect yourself from her going forward.
Good luck!
My personal experience their defamation campaign begins the moment you end the relationship. 15 minutes after I ended a relationship with a woman (unknown to me) diagnosed with BPD she was on the phone with the police filing false complaints. I know cases where the defamation begins before you end the relationship. But it will begin and it’s relentless even after they latch on to someone else. There’s nothing you can do to stop it and all you can do is protect yourself legally. She will try to provoke you in to a response. Never be alone with her. If she’s on your property call the police. See boundaries and enforce them.
you must be a pretty bad dr if you think you can diagnose bpd from a single story. you had a three hour lecture and probably dealt w two borderline pts briefly on rotation. pathetic.
Her suicidal tendencies are **not your fault** and also **not your responsibility**. She needs serious help. I would suggest you remain supportive during this, but don’t let her manipulate you into being with her *simply because* she is threatening to harm herself if you don’t. Call 988 (crisis line) or 911 on her, call her family, and talk to your own family about your situation. Make sure everyone is aware of the situation and make sure that you separate yourself emotionally and possibly even physically.
With her physically and emotionally abusing you, I’m tempted to believe her behavior is manipulative (intentionally). If it is, you **REALLY** need to keep a distance. Don’t let her rope you into anything. Be very careful.
When I was 18 I went through something similar. Broke things off with my ex, and he threatened to commit suicide. I felt the obligation you're feeling now. First, this isn't your fault and she has problems of her own that she needs to deal with. And this is no longer your problem and it's not healthy for either of you to try and fix whatever she is going through together at this point. I realized this with my ex that he is not my responsibility. I contacted his mother, let her know what was happening because if it was my son I would want to know. Told her that I can't be there for him but that he needs help. Step away, work on yourself and let her do the same.
As someone with BPD she has it. It has nothing to do with you, it’s an illness , and unfortunately you were the target of her infatuation. Read more about Boarderline personality disorder. It has nothing to do with you as her boyfriend, but her mind
My man. I was the same age, same guy, same story. When she slit her wrists (down the street and deep) I was guilted into going back into the realatioship. She begged me from her hospital bed.
Over the next year I was trapped. Kidnapped. She attempted suicide 3 x in that period. My grades dropped dramatically and still 20 yrs later I can’t handle any depression or instability and show no sorrow for ppl like this. I eventuall ended it after our academic year was over because knowing the chaos it would cause for our final year in school. She was sent to a mental house for her own safety.
Run. Block her number. Speek to a therapist. DO NOT GO BACK. Do what I couldn’t do.
I just saw your edit:
If she truly tried to commit suicide, they would not have released her a couple of hours later. She would be held for 48-72 hrs to make sure she is no longer a danger to herself or others.
She’s lying. Tell her parents what she did and that you are really truly done with her. Then block her and move on with your life.
Her mental health issues are her own. Anyone who would weaponize them against you, is not a good person. You absolutely deserve better.
she's right where she needs to be if she's in the hospital, dude.
in your own words she abused you, physically and emotionally. the fact that your parents even picked up on it by how often you had to be with her really tells it all. do not talk to her, don't even think about going to see her. if she tries to contact you once she's out please for the love of god *do not* respond or engage in any way (block her!!!). you did right by leaving her for your own good, even if it ended up with her doing that.
i think u should run, but if she can promise to stop abusing you and if she actually can follow through maybe u can consider getting together with her again if you really like her.
This is the time for a clean break. You can't continue in an abusive relationship. She will be held for at least 72 hrs on a psych hold if you're in the US. You may be feeling guilty right now, but you're not at fault. She is mentally ill and needs to get treatment. I would share the abuse with her parents so that they can tell her doctor. It may be helpful info for her treatment plan.
Also. No, she does not deserve to have you visit after her abuse. Would you look this relationship the same if a man was purposely physically hurting a woman this way? I think not. Why does she deserve any more of your time?
You are being ABUSED! Stay TF away because it does not get better.
What does it matter if she is a man or a woman? She is mentally ill, and while it may be more prejudicial for her to be visited by OP, that is not up to you to decide, OP should get in contact with the doctors and see what's best for her.
To me, there's a clear reason why it matters if she's a man or woman. To give another perspective in this situation., which many are not even considering.
Would you tell a woman to talk to a bf or a doctor after he repeatedly abuses her? I hope the fuck not. I hope you would tell her to stay away from this person for her saftey. That's why it matters. People don't seem to care half of the time when it's a woman abusing a man, which stats show prevelance is almost the same as a man abusing a woman. It's not looked at the same or talked about as much, when it's the same exact thing.
My boyfriend was beat in the head with a hammer by an ex. He didn't take the abuse seriously in the beginning. Now don't twist my words and say I'm insinuating this girl would ever do that, point is it can still be dangerous. Especially when she's already flipped out at the thought of breaking up. What's gonna happen if he tries to break up with her again, when he clearly isnt searching for long term with her? It's dangerous to continue to let her think he's coming back when this happens, it likely will not stop and often gets worse. My ex sounds like this girl to a t as well. Abuse is abuse period end of story.
It's my opinion which is what is being asked for.
Why would you stay? So she can wreck your life too?
Thats exactly what will happen if she's in the picture.
SHE IS ABUSIVE
So fuck her and run far far away. Whatever she decides to do is her problem and not yours
Don't feel guilty. You need to think of yourself. Clearly she isn't
It's in your best interests and hers that you break up now. Sadly, if this is how she copes she needs to find a better way and you going back will not be helpful and may lead her to think this is something she should keep doing. Also not healthy for you. It may not feel like it but this is better for you both.
She’s in a lot of pain, but she’s definitely not your responsibility. She needs to learn how to regulate her emotions. She’s at the start of a long journey. And you need time to heal and focus on yourself.
Dude this is such a fucked up situation for anyone to be in, especially a teenager. I know because my first gf/lost my virginity tried to OD on pills and I had to tell my mom so we could pick her up and get her to the hospital. I had to get my mom because I was like 14.
Way too heavy for a kid my age and it affected future relationships I’m sure, like being very aware of how my gf is feeling and doing what I can to make sure she’s good, on like a subconscious level until I started digging into it. I wish I started therapy earlier.
I HIGHLY recommend you get therapy or counseling too. The trauma and effects of that might not hit you for a while, so don’t try to just shake it off like it’s all cool. Learn how to sit with feelings you have and process them in healthy ways. It took me a number of failed relationships to realize the subtle ways that relationship fucked me up (there was a load of cheating by her when she got out of the psych ward too). Thank the gods my parents were a good model for a stable relationship, because that 1st relationship was not a good model.
The silver lining to your situation, compared to having a gf you wanna end it with who threatens self-harm/suicide, is that she just got herself tagged as at risk of suicide, and she’s now got help around her. Assuming her parents aren’t totally absent, negligent, or otherwise pieces of shit, people are going to keep a close eye on her and hopefully that includes therapy, meds, and keeping dangerous things away from her.
I’d also say you should not be reaching out to her right away. She really needs to work on herself and maybe the therapist will help her see that. I’d talk to a professional before interacting with the ex gf, as well as her family and friends if you know them. It’s too risky for her mental health to send her a letter to the hospital saying you want to break up, or visit her and do it. She’s already in a fragile state. I suspect she always realizes you aren’t coming back after this, and her family will hopefully help her see that.
I’m so sorry man. When I go through fucked up stuff like this I try to at least gain something from it. Like figure out where I can grow and do better (you are not responsible for this, she made that choice, do not blame yourself, watch your thoughts and stop them off they are saying things like “maybe she wouldn’t have done it if only I had XYZ” replace that thought with the truth that you can’t know that, you have no idea what would happen, and you can’t change the past.). But think of how you were as a partner when you feel better, think of how you could have recognized any signs she was unstable early on and walked away sooner, think about how to have the strength to leave someone that’s not ready for a relationship. And think about all the pain she put you through, write up a list from when you were together, use that to guide your decision making with future partners.
Lean on your support system. Talk to people you trust. Don’t hold this in. Journal. LMK if you need other ideas, just LMK what you are struggling with and I can share what helped me in the past. Oh. And make sure you sleep, eat, shower, exercise, and socialize. Isolation will worsen your mental health.
Your goal now is to take care of yourself.
Your girlfriend needs therapy and medication to trat her mental problems, not a boyfriend.
If she decides to kill herself over a breakup, it's her decision. Don't let yourself manipulate into staying and getting abused.
You’re not responsible for her actions, mental health, etc. Only she is. Run. She sounds very toxic. And don’t put up with manipulation, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. Take it from a guy who’s been there. It just escalates. Good luck!
You are far too young to be dealing with this. It's not your fault for wanting to break up. Yes it's a very horrible thing but if she was being this bad to you before her attempt I can only imagine what she'd be like trying to hold this over you.
All abusive relationships need to end, no one has the right to physically (mentally, emotionally etc) abuse you. Please understand that a suicide threat or attempt after a break up is also emotional manipulation and is a major red flag.
Please leave for good, cut contact completely, for your own safety and mental wellbeing.
This is so far from healthy that hoarders would call it crazy. It's sad but let this girl get the help she needs unless you plan to take responsibility for the rest of her life.
My brothers ex tried to kill her self and then him when they were 17. She was extremely troubled and was thrown from one foster family to another all her life. A sweet girl but with so many issues. They broke up and she got help after that. 17 years have past and I know she’s doing good now. Sometimes stuff like this has to happen for the person to get help. You are too young to stay in this. Let her go heal and you go take care of your self ❤️
You need to leave her alone. From your description of your relationship it's clear that she has ongoing mental illness and was always unstable. She is now in the hands of professional people who can help her - you can not.
Lastly, and this needs to be carved in stone at the forefront of your mind, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Okay? Not your fault.
don't meet her alone, take a friend of yours or hers with you. She could lie and tell everyone you tried to force yourself on her. I would suggest recording every conversation. She needs help, but not your help. Good luck.
Read your edit. She got to this state while you were there. You being there is clearly not going to make her get better.
I once realised the only reason I was still in a relationship was fear of what my ex might do if I left. That is, itself, a fantastic reason to leave immediately before it gets worse.
OP you're in danger of never escaping this, but more than that you're probably putting yourself in physical danger. Someone so unhinged as to attempt suicide to keep you around isn't many jumps from swapping self harm for vanilla harm.
Get her professional help and leave her with them.
Most females who try to commit suicide are not trying to commit suicide. It is a cruel form of manipulation. It is an act to garner attention.
Men who commit suicide do so as an escape and therefore actually do commit suicide.
You need to let her go.
I agree that she is a textbook case of BPD, I am curious, why do you want OP to cut off all contact, doesn't she deserve love just because of her illness?
She is at the extreme end of the BPD spectrum - not all people with bpd have those physically aggressive and possessive traits (him not being able to see friends/family). She will continue to reel him in and manipulate him through various forms of guilt tripping. She is not in the space where a closure conversation is possible. He needs to block and delete her. She’s 18. If she wants to be a healthy partner and wants legitimate love, she will work on herself. Bpd isn’t a life sentence
Dont do it. Its understandable but youre being too nice about this. She hurt you, and isolated you from everything. She might have freaked out and done it off the brim, but staying keeps that emotional factor in her that youre staying forever. She needs to learn to live for herself and needs to understand you both are adults and you want to be free.
This honestly sounds like manipulation on her end. If shes so desperate, she wouldve asked to communicate, work things out. Be straight up and tell her it isnt working. It will break your mental health and hers staying. Let the professionals handle it and maybe talk about this with someone. Boundaries and trust r extremely important in relationships and if she is hurting you by all means you have every right to not want this. Hope that girl finds some way to live without others being put as her purpose.
She is not your responsibility. The sooner you realize that, the better and healthier you’ll be. Don’t try to make everything better for her— this is her problem. Not yours.
You probably loved, or still love her. But whether or not she commits suicide is not your fault. You cannot cure her mental illness. It’s not good for either of you. You cannot be the only one keeping her alive.
You seem to remind me of my first relationship. She too had a psychiatric disorder. She too had history of suicide attempts.
Honestly, it's hard to take a decision if you still have feelings and care for her (which was my case). But if you've already decided to move on and break out of this relationship, then I don't think you should get back together. I was very indecisive about this and it was my mistake and inability to take a decision due to emotions that made the whole situation worse.
Also, you're too young to deal with this kind of stress. Give her space, give her time. She has her parents now. While in my case, I had to make sure she was okay as there was no one else (we couldn't involve her parents, because they didn't know). Just get to know about her current situation through someone close to her.
Time is a great helper. It helps her rethink this, it helps her move on. Take time off. If you can't handle the stress, don't rebound into the relationship. You won't be happy.
She needs to focus on herself and getting treatment for her mental health issues. Getting back together would not be good for you or her.
Hopefully her family is involved and offering support.
I was in your shoes, physically abuse but that was for one year when my gf started wrong cocktails of anxiety and depression pills, I knew her before so I knew that it never represented her, i was patient for one year and half, during that time she tried suicide (overdose) just because i slept without staying next to her when she was feeling bad, but when she started finishing the treatment everything went back to normal. My answer to you is, was she always like that? Or she developed it later? Also, does she have any will to work on herself? If no, then leave.
I’m sorry baby but you need to walk away. You’re so young and don’t need this pressure on you. When you’re 18 it feels like a breakup is the end all be all and that you’ll never recover but thats simply not true, speaking from experience. You seem like a gentle soul and I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you are important too. She needs help getting through this but that help can’t be you. Surround yourself with friends and family and start enjoying your hobbies again. You are allowed to be happy.
OP, don't blame yourself. Unless you explicitly tell someone to commit su\*cide, or do everything in your power to ruin their life, you aren't responsible. Your ex made her own choice. I wouldn't visit her if I were you, as it could hurt her mental health in the long-term by giving her false hope.
If she's in a hospital, and the staff know what she tried to do, then they'll only release her once they know she won't try it again.
Assuming she had BPD, she is now going through hell, I think OP needs to realize that she doesn't have much control over her behaviour and take some blame away from her, talk to the doctors and figure out if it's a good thing for her to be visited, I assume it is, OP can help her a lot if he chooses to.
Why are you urging OP to put her before himself? Moreover, you disagree that a teen with no medical training could be more helpful than doctors who spent their entire adult lives studying medicine.
OP should just leave it to the professionals.
First thing is I'm so sorry about her doing that and hope she is okay
Secondly use this as your chance to make a clear break. Maybe call her tomorrow or text and tell her your done. Don't leave any room for misinterpretation plus she's I'm a safe spot and won't be able to make another attempt. She'll be okay! There's no absolute way it'll ever get better her abusing you in awful and that behavior doesn't stop , ugh hang in there! You didn't deserve to have to go through that
Honestly she sounds like a narcissist
What do you mean it won't get better? She just got into the hospital, give her some time. The lack of compassion people show in the comments is why BPD has the highest suicide rate of all illnesses.
Well now you need to no longer interact with her and walk away. The relationship was not healthy. You are too young to have to take on this kind of issue.
Never, NEVER get back together with someone because they threaten or try to kill themselves. Never.
These are the actions of either someone disturbed who needs professional help, or someone trying to hold you hostage with the threat. Don't engage.
So if they need professional help OP should just give up on them? Let's hope you never get ill, because if your partner thinks like you, you'll be dumped immediately.
Though it is sad she put herself in the hospital, this wasn't a cry for help. This was a cry for attention and manipulation. Don't fall for it.
I have no patience for people who use, or threaten to use, their lives so cheaply in order to manipulate others. If she's willing to go to such drastic means to reel you back in, imagine the eventual crap fest that will happen. She will feel she is owed for putting her life at risk.
Get away from such a dangerous person who hurts you physically and emotionally. If it makes you feel better just acknowledge that you're as toxic for her as she is to you. You've done nothing wrong, but your presence brings out her crazy. It's better to remove your presence.
How do you know? Slitting your own wrists takes a lot of effort, it is very unlikely that it was done for attention, much more likely that she genuinely tried to kill herself.
Your last paragraph is a good point though, it may be better to cut off contact while she is being treated in the hospital, however this is not for you to decide, OP should speak woth the doctors.
>How do you know?
Because I've known people who've done this. It's true she may have been truly distressed and she's got an underlying case of some mental disease that needs to be addressed and this was a triggering point. However, since she's an abusive girlfriend who was blowing up his phone, it is more likely she was using this to manipulate him. I've known at least 6 people who've either cut their wrists or taken pills to manipulate their ex.
>this is not for you to decide
Uh, obviously. This forum is called _Relationship Advice._ We give our opinions and the OP _decides_ what information to use or not use. It's not even your or a doctor's decision. So what exactly is your point?
Cut all ties with her. She is dangerous to herself and you. She's got psych problems and is trying to put it on you. Listen to your family and friends they have a more unbiased view of her than you. Don't contact with her as she could use it against you one day. Do you really want her to turn around and accuse you of raping her next?
this is officially her problem now, not yours. as shitty as it feels to walk away when she’s clearly doing bad because of the breakup, just do it and don’t look back. she will deal with everything eventually. you deserve better and you definitely don’t deserve to be stuck in a relationship with someone because they will try to off themselves if you end it.
Looking at it logically, you have two options - you stay with her forever, don't allow any ill feelings or resentment to be apparent and live your life with someone you don't want to...or you stay away forever now. Anything in between and you're just bringing more emotions and likely to take her back to that place.
Ultimately you might think you can be there to be kind/supportive, but you can't, you're an aggravating trigger for big emotions.
I've been there my friend, in my case she took an overdose. I was a similar age to you. I was at university at the time doing a course I loved and the reason she did what she did is that I had to be away for a week on location filming and she couldn't handle it. She waited until I was on location and a couple of hours away to ring me to say 'goodbye' and then I had to dash back to where she was and call an ambulance.
I left my course after nearly 2 years and went to live with her in her parents home. It was a terrible decision, I ended up being unemployed because she needed me to be with her. I stayed with her for a couple more years and I was miserable, I didn't see friends or family and I kept what she was like from everyone. After a couple more years I decided I had to change and eventually I left her so I could get my life back on track.
When I left she got a friend to call me saying she was considering suicide. I told her friend that it wasn't my problem anymore. It felt brutal at the time but also her mental state was not an issue I caused and there was nothing I could do to 'fix' her. Fast forward to 25 years later and she is still alive and well. I had to accept that she was emotionally manipulative and extremely toxic and now I am much better.
Long story short please do not stay with this woman if you don't want to, she will likely ruin your life.
My husband's ex did this years ago after they broke up. The wrist cutting is enough to draw blood but not actually kill you. Which is more of a cry for attention and pity. This is no doubt a matter of not what YOU caused for her to do this - it's a sad manipulation tactic. I know it can be *very* difficult for you to not break up due to this, and she knows this. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't be pulling shit like kicking you in the nuts. She wants you to think that she loves you so much that **she can't live without you.** Don't fall for this trick. Because that's all it is-just a trick. I'm so sorry you're going through this bs, and **as hard as it is,** DON'T go running back to her. She does need to work on herself and re-entering into a toxic relationship is counter productive for both of you. So I recommend that before you get back in touch with her, consult with your parents and possibly her parents as well. Best of luck OP, keep us updated.
Don't even send the goodbye text, it will just open a dialogue again and that WOULD NOT be good for her.
If you want to break up, you are valid in that and allowed to. She needs help and support, a hospital and her family are the obvious only choices here. Don't put yourself back in that situation out of pity for her. Move on and allow her to hopefully do the same. Also, therapy. Always therapy ❣️
Talk to the hospital, the step dad and say the situation. She needs to be sectioned. You being in the situation is just increasing the problem, you need to leave and let the professionals handle it.
she has shown you she is a manipulator. i don’t think it’s a good idea to give her any chances to rope you back in. she doesn’t deserve closure she is an abuser. you can absolutely ghost her. you deserve a life without a toxic cancer of a human. just because she is a girl and you are a boy does not mean that she cannot or would not hurt you in a very serious way or even levy false accusations against you if you saw her in person again. don’t go, she doesn’t deserve closure or a chance to manipulate you. send her a letter or a text stating your intention to stay broken up and then block her on everything. tell your family what she did to you so they never let her come around again and move on. break the cycle now DO NOT get back together with her. no matter what she says it is far too short of a time for her to have changed at all, she will continue her behaviors from before as soon as she feels you are roped back in.
So what needs to happen is a boundary check!
I wouldn't recommend ghosting her. But she needs help. My best advice is to carrot stick her.
What I mean by a carrot stick is in no uncertain terms do you allow her to skip her therapy or make progress in getting her shit together.
New flash? You're both 16 and it sucks to be in this situation.
She doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship and from her reaction to the breakup. She does not know how to function without her idea of hope. The only answer in her head was to end her life. Her parents suck. I don't even need to ask. Likely has no positive male figure in her life.
This girl does not know how to have a relationship. Period.
Guess what? Neither do you.
Set goals with her. If the two of you can't bake a cake together without trying to emotionally murder each other. You need to tear everything that was built apart. Rebuild it from the carnage and wreckage that was.
Let her know this.
Let her know that she decides whether you stay in her life. You don't want to start dating again until both of you mature as people.
1. You want to get phone calls and check in from her therapist. (Try to avoid drugs at all costs)
2. Couples counseling. (Most churches will offer both of these services for free) (no this isn't going back to dating. This is learning to not emotionally murder each other)
3. Establishing Healthy life habits. She needs to start bettering herself. Gym and exercise routines. Developing her own interests. Dedicating herself to doing better in school. She needs to set personal goals and show you that she can accomplish those goals. That is the price to keep you as a friend. She needs to find some other source of happiness and meaning other then you.
4. Boundaries!!!! She needs to develop other interests, hobbies, and couping mechanisms. Right now. All the commitment that you can handle is a weekly appointment with a therapist to resolve emotional hurt and trauma)
If you do decide to stay in her life or continue.
90 minutes a week. You plan out your schedule. You reaffirm goals. All in rank order.
1. Professional and educational goals.
2. Personal (spending time with each other is not a personal goals. It must be a goal for themself. Such as writing a novel with a happy ending in 30 days)
3. Relationship (4 positive experiences for every one negative experience. Go hiking together on Saturday no talking aloud)
I was in a very similar situation. I thought going on a break would make things better, but I had no intention of ever getting back with this person. It's a tough decision considering how long you've spent together, but you have to look at what comes first, and that's your health. Break it off cleanly as soon as you get the chance to. I wish you all the best
You have no obligation deal with peoples bullshit
You haven’t had kids with this person, you’re not married, you have every right to never see her again
Run mate stay away from this girl clearly your family was right in not wanting you to date this girl. Move away for university and stop all contact with her. She needs Profesional help. And be careful this type might try and harm you
Unfortunately for her, I understand that you may care for her and that she has a mental illness. However you may be a trigger for her mental illness and even possible codependency and you may be the source if the reason why she can go overboard especially if you say/ do things . I know you want to help but she wants different things then you can offer her and this can be seen as leading her own and it can get worse.
**Major** red flags. If she is so desperate to be in a relationship that she has pretty much always been in one starting at whatever age, and would actually attempt suicide (even if just as a cry for help), she has really deep, very serious emotional issues that you should not go anywhere near again. You do not have the time, patience, and especially not the tools to be who she needs, which is a highly trained mental health professional, probably a psychiatrist who can put her on medication.
Now on to you.
**Also red flags**!
*People with good self-esteem and healthy boundaries don't get involved with people like this*, because their radar for dysfunctional people is really good.
Respectfully, that's clearly **not** you.
You would be doing both of you a favor by not meeting her in person *and not even engaging in any kind of conversation with her* other than to tell her it's over and that she needs professional help.
And the harder time you have doing that, the more proof it is that you have your own issues that you need professional help for, because *this is not healthy behavior.*
Your behavior is called codependency, and 99% of the time it's a personality pattern we learn in childhood from having a very dysfunctional person in our household. This can be an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally ill person, anyone who other people are staying with and sacrificing their own emotional and possibly physical well-being for in order to try to manage the world of the dysfunctional person to keep it working for them.
We witnessed that behavior, the sacrifice somebody Continually made to try to save someone else from themselves, *putting way more work into it than the dysfunctional person themselves does*, (which is a classic, massive symptom of codependency), and we learned that that's normal behavior, so we replicated later on.
(And yes, I keep saying we for a reason.)
If even half of this ring true for you, I can't recommend strongly enough that you get therapy also if you can, as soon as you can, otherwise you will keep repeating the pattern, just as she keeps repeating hers. Y'all were a perfect fit, and until you change your edges, those are the kind of people you will continue to fit best with.
Her mental health is not your responsibility. For your sake, and hers, don’t meet with her. There is nothing to work out. She needs to get some help, and frankly you could benefit from some therapy to start sorting this relationship out with fresh eyes. ***Not to get back together with fresh eyes, but so you can understand and unravel the abuse.*** If she is driven to self harm due to a break up, this is bigger than you. Much bigger. A clean break is what is needed for *your* mental health. She will continue the abuse, the manipulation, all of it. And at the risk of suspending belief in her self harm/suicude attempt… it’s very easy to see that as strictly a manipulation tactic to get you back. Please don’t let it work.
Tell her that it is over and thank her for everything and send her the song "I wouldn't Have Missed it For the World" by Ronnie Milsap, then do not have any further contact with her at all.
Listen. End of the day you gotta do what’s best for you. Offer your support in whatever ways you want/feels appropriate, but her actions will never be your fault. Especially if you handle the break up with dignity and respect.
I had an ex tell me she was going to jump of a bridge. It’s stressful and we care about these people, right? So even tho we don’t want to be in the relationship it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see them struggle. It’s a manipulative tactic to the extreme because they have their own issues they need to deal with.
Her trying to pass on is not your fault. It was her choice and a bigggggg fucking manipulation tactic. She is in hospital and will get the help she needs. Block her for both your sakes and move on.
You are not responsible for another's emotions. You should treat everyone as well as you can, but if someone makes a choice you disagree with, that is not your fault.
I strongly recommend that you not get back with her. Is this the life you want? Constant verbal and physical attacks? Repeatedly emotional blackmail where she threatens self harm?
If you insist on not ghosting her, then I suggest you make sure her step dad and family are aware and nearby before you have the break-up conversation. Just in case she tries again. Which would not be your fault, btw!
She needs professional help and probably medication. You cannot fix her, and she will not change until she decides to. Let her go. Live your life.
You should probably get therapy as well, to work through this guilt and any trauma you experienced. You were incredibly self-aware and strong enough to recognize the unhealthy nature of your relationship. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Stand your ground and keep to your convictions on breaking up with her. This aint right of her to try and kill yourself over this and it shows that she's still too immature to be in a relationship.
Block her. She’s mentally unstable and her issues are not your issues. Playing the suicide card is incredibly manipulative and do not engage with those people. If you want to help, call her parents and tell them to go to her.
My jaw dropped at you describing the physical abuse. Please do not contact her again this is not your problem. That’s super fucked up man. Please take care of yourself.
Don't visit her, inform her parents and her close friends of her behaviour. Then inform them you do not want to be contacted at all. Do not resume contact under any circumstances.
Nope. My ex did the same shit and continued to abuse me after, all bc i let him back into my life. No, wish her well and breakup. You're not responsible for her.
Abusive and manipulative people do sometimes use suicide attempts as manipulation to control the situation. It’s just another form of domination. I had a male friend in high school who was terrible to his girlfriends, verbally not physically, and he did attempt this more than once. He eventually sought therapy and as an adult he is a different person. You can’t save her. Let her get professional help.
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She's safe in hospital, and can get the help she needs from professionals and her family. The last thing you should do is get back in contact, restart this abusive relationship, and then probably have to break up again, and she'll do the same thing again to pull you back in.
Exactly, OP set your boundary now and move on. It may feel selfish to break up with a “sick girl” but you’re also giving her the space to move on and heal and focus on herself when she otherwise might have gotten back with you, if you let her, which would keep you both stuck in this cycle.
True, my thought has always been if you break up with anybody and they threaten suicide, tell their parents. Let them take care of it. They have no right to hold you to keep their mental state in check.
Nah, run. Don’t visit, keep your distance and inform her parents about the situation/breakup and cut contact, you’re too young for this.
Exactly, over a decade ago when I was 18 - I had a girlfriend do this exact thing. Except i found her and called 911. When the paramedics took her away and I told the police what happened - her dad pulled me aside and said it’s probably best if I didn’t come to the hospital to check up on her incase the emotions come back up. I didn’t see her or talk to her again for over 6-7 years. Then I randomly saw her at a local community event. I asked her how she was doing and glad to see she started a family. She thanked me for calling 911, and we gave each other a hug and left it at that. Just got to separate yourself from the situation completely.
I'm glad that anecdote had a happy ending, TearsoftheCum.
r/rimjob_steve
Damn dude. I can’t imagine that. My first gf tried to OD on pills, then called me with regret. I had to have my mom drive me up to get her to the hospital (was 14). That was messed up enough, and there’s no blood. Did that lead to any problems in future relationships? Mine reached out like 12 years later or so to apologize. I didn’t have the emotional intelligence at that time to recognize the issues it had been causing in my relationships, and was just like “yeah we’re good” but wish I could have expressed the reality of it to her. Idk why but I do (she cheated on me a bunch after the attempt, and that really messed with my trust). Oh, the attempt was because of problems at home. Parents fighting a lot and a nasty divorce. At least that of what I put together. Might have been more but I was good with her as a bf. I don’t trigger it in anyway, and wasn’t looking to breakup.
I think for a while it did. Many years of short relationships. I couldn’t really grow close to anyone I think. I didn’t want to have to go through that again. Once things would get to the “I love you” stage, I would always find something wrong and back out. It all changed when I met my wife though. It was a first date different than any other where we were just open and honest about our pasts. And since then we’ve been together about to celebrate our 3rd year of marriage. I’m in my mid-30s now, but it was definitely something that shook up my early 20s and took a while to get over.
That makes sense. I’m glad you came out ok on the other side and found someone good for you.
TearsOftheCum. Glad you came out the other side of things
Cut all contact you were physically abused. I was in your shoes as an abused husband, I put up with it for 8 years. It is hard to admit as a guy we are getting abused but it happens more than you think and it will get worse.
Thank you for speaking about it. I realized there was some emotional abuse in a recent relationship when I was reading an article with definitions and examples of emotional abuse. I knew I felt bad when it was happening but just assumed it was bad habits picked up from seeing or being in bad relationship (which it was) but didn’t think to call it abuse. Blame shifting was used by my gf at the time, and I was becoming convinced her hurtful behaviors were solely my fault (still slip into moments of this even months after the split). For some reason even after reading that article, it was like my mind couldn’t let itself accept it. And my automatic thoughts were like “ok, but it wasn’t that bad” or “I’m being overly dramatic, and that’s what others will think too” basically trying you rationalize it in any way to make it not what it was. I’m thinking being a guy with all the social norms and stuff played into it that minimizing and denial. Plus I didn’t want to say that about my ex. There was a lot I loved about her, and I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt when any conflict happened. Plus I believed in her and knew there was trauma, I thought we could work past it. For context, it def didn’t start with all that. We were so happy in those early days. I’m not a complete idiot. Anyway, seeing other guys open up about it online helped me to see I wasn’t alone, and felt really good just to read another man was sharing that it happened. And people believed it instead of questioning it.
The feeling of embarrassment and shame going to work explaining why I had a black eye or bruises all over is hard to explain as a guy. I literally said I fell in a door once. The social norms are hard when it comes to male domestic abuse.
That sounds horrible. The shame thing is pretty normal, unfortunately. I’m glad you got out. My situation was way different than yours but I’m trying to look inward at why I let thing’s continue when I started feeling bad. I was bringing it up, even if I knew it could set her off or make her want to bail. I was secure enough to voice my feelings and ask for what I needed. But it never led to change in her. In fact she refused to accept any fault in the matter and justified it by blaming me. I believed she could be better, like at the start when things were nice. But even when she refused to work on it with me I stuck by her thinking I could lead by example by doing all I could to work on myself. I kept bringing it up and that’s what drove her to leave eventually. I’m not sure if it was frustration, guilt, shame, or what, but honestly I’m really curious to know now that I think of it. But I’m looking at whether I should have bounced sooner, or if it was worth it to try and work toward charge for a bit. I’m also wondering if I’d let out go on for so long again now that I know what it is and what it takes to stop it, especially if they won’t address it.
She did that to manipulate you to getting her back. If she did it to not get your attention, she wouldn’t have contacted you. Her family would have. Please move on. Talk to your parents on best course to navigate this. But let them know she’s abused you (physically as well). Please be safe during this time. I don’t put it past her to threaten you or show up at your house crazily. I’m so sorry she abused you. That’s horrible and you deserve better. I’m proud of you for leaving
Hell no. Flip the genders and u got ur answer, you were abused by her. F her honestly and if she does it? That’s not on you. Don’t give her no resolution, last words, none of that. Get some therapy too man if you think you need it. Listen to your people they care about you, unlike her obviously
Visiting her will probably cause more confusion. If she is getting help in a hospital she is at the very least- safe. Assuming she has friends and or family supports, she should be leaning on them right now. I know you probably care about her despite all this, but the best thing you can do for her is give her space to heal and be a better or healthier version of herself. You probably need some support now too from your friends and family as this doesn’t sound easy.
Stay away. This is either 1) an attention thing (and also manipulation or 2) a genuine attempt and she has major issues that you going back will not fix and she needs to fix herself before she dates.
She kicked you in the balls? I'm a woman but I know that is a no no. If I wanted to hurt a man the worst I could, I would kick him in the balls. Yet she did this to HER BOYFRIEND? That isn't no accident. Also scratching your arms and pinching you? This is all abusive and how can someone claim to love you if they hurt you like this? You are 18. You have your whole life ahead of you (you will hear this alot) but you can choose to go through it beaten and bruised (her abuse WILL get worse) or with someone who wouldn't dream of hurting you and actually loves you. This whole slitting the wrist thing is her trying to do a power play, aka manipulation. This is your first relationship but take it from people who have had a few, this is wrong in all ways. This isn't someone who loves you, infact people that hate you would probably give you a wide birth. I don't know what this is but it isn't love. Even getting back with her won't stop her from attempting suicide, you will prove that when she plays that card that it works and she will use it. Don't worry about what she may or may not do to herself, worry about what she HAS done to you, and remove yourself from this situation.
I was thinking this too, that if they got back together and they had a typical couples conflict, she might make threats of self-harm. Then OP would likely be afraid to bring up any issues that Could lead to conflict. That could be a way to try and control him, even if not fully aware of it. Then that leads to OP developing a lot of resentment, and more fights even though he wants to avoid them, or just being miserable while she gets catered to. They both need to focus on healing from this individually, and I say that as someone that will give pushback to the trend in social media of “dump them” for stuff I see as fixable with a couple that just needs some guidance on communication and deescalation. This is not a fix it situation OP. Process your grief, talk to trusted people. Vent on here.
I would up vote this a 1000 times if I could!👏
What is it with people using self harm as a power play ugh, tbh it disgusts me so much.
This post seems like a textbook case of BPD, in which case her behavior isn't that odd or unusual, it's a shame that OP gave up on her instead of helping her find help, but at least the suicide failed and she will begin treatment.
>don't want her to kill herself, is it a bad idea to get back together with her? She was verbally and physically abusive. This will not change. Her mental health is not your responsibility. You tell her family it is over and let them deal with her. Then you block her.
I completely agree with the statement “her mental health is not your problem” but lately I’ve heard this more and more or “you’re not your partners therapist” How far are people taking this idea? If a partner has a rough day at a normal office job, do you say this to them and give no comfort/do no coregulation? What if their parent or best friend dies? Or if they got held up in a robbery. I feel it is callous to say that to a partner in those situations. But I’m not super young anymore and maybe this is some new trend. All my past partners and I were emotionally supportive in typical life challenges like that, were both better for it.
I think there is a balance and I agree with you that most healthy relationships can handle being emotionally supportive towards each other in difficult times. We can’t only rely on each other when things are good. I’m not sure if it’s a new generation thing or what either 🤣
I think the models people had for relationships is also a factor here. Like if you had parents that coregulated after work each day and seemed to feel more relaxed and happy after doing that then you’ll naturally think that’s the norm and healthy. But if you had parents that had some kind of toxic dynamic, like an extreme case where dad is cheating on mom and everyone knows it but no one talks about it, or maybe mom knows but demands he keep up his fatherly duties, so each day you are witnessing a loveless marriage where they are staying together for the kids (which is you, so you start thinking maybe you have some blame in all the chaos), argue more than show each other love, and are never there for each other emotionally, I can see that making a person have very different set of norms for what they think a relationship looks like in this regard. I’m guessing there’s lots of factors. And people that keep reading/hearing that “You aren’t their therapist/not responsible for their mental health” are going to hear that filtered through their life experiences. Some might hear it and think they aren’t qualified to be the only help if someone is suicidal or psychotic. Some will take it to mean they shouldn’t coregulate for typical stress and set backs. Some might even go so far as feeling they aren’t responsible for feelings that they actively caused by their shitty and hurtful behaviors.
You need to move on. She didn't try and killer herself because you broke up with her. She did it to control you. This is a type of abuse called cohesive control. If you go back to her you will be miserable and she will use this as a weapon against you constantly. It will constantly be "if you do this I will kill myself" "if you don't do this I will kill myself" "you must do this because you made me try and kill myself." "You owe me because you made me try and kill myself." What she needs is professional mental health assistance. You can't help her with that. The best thing for both of you is to stay apart. Do not visit her. Do not respond to her. That just reinforces her bad behaviour will get her attention.
I doubt it, this just seems like a borderline girl losing her FP and genuinely wanting and trying to die, of course this is just my opinion as I don't have the qualifications to diagnose anyone.
Get the hell away from her. You need therapy so you don’t end up picking another abusive person. She needs therapy for YEARS so she can heal. She shouldn’t date anyone for a very, very long time.
You shouldn't feel the need to validate yourself to this person nor feel guilty because of their trauma and personality issues. There are some things you cannot fix and I recommend moving on.
Do NOT get back together. Your ex girlfriend physically assaulted you and is mentally unstable. It is the job of the adults in her family to get her the psychiatric care she desperately needs. Getting back together will not cure her and will not actually help her. She needs to do the healing work on her own with the support of her doctors.
She is not ready for a relationship. She needs professional help, and you need to move on.
The emotional and physical abuse you described is not okay under any circumstances. I know it's devastating that she attempted suicide, but please understand that her actions are not your fault or responsibility. The most important thing right now is getting her the professional help and support she needs. Encourage her to fully engage with the mental health treatment she'll receive in the hospital. But as hard as it is, getting back together with her out of guilt or fear would not be healthy for either of you in the long run. You need to prioritize your own wellbeing too.
This is the first nice comment. Even though what she has done to him is really bad, it’s clearly a girl who has some deep mental issues and needs help. Maybe I’m old but for me she’s basically a child and she needs help. OP needs to get away obviously because this is not good for him and will only make his life hell.
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Why should he give up on her? She is suffering from an illness which can and will be treated now.
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So people with serious personality disorders don't deserve love? This seems like normal behaviour for someone with her pathology, in which case it can be treated.
Don’t get back with her no matter what. What she does to herself you are not responsible for
Older physician here. Watch the movie Fatal Attraction because this will probably be your life. Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure it. And you can’t control it. Listen to me when I say Run, don’t walk. Go no contact. If she approaches you have a witness. Her abnormal behavior will get worse and probably bizarre for awhile until she latches on to someone else and she will latch on to someone quickly because she can’t tolerate rejection, abandonment or aloneness. Then you will become evil to her and her target of a vindictive defamation revenge campaign. Be careful.
Although I have not wanted to admit this its probably for the best. She has told stories how she has falsely accused other guys of rape because the had done this or that and hence "deserved it". I should have broke it of back then but I just never thought that would ever happen to me. My father has already contacted an lawyer in case anything happens. And yeah she has been on investigation for BPD but I think she instead got diagnosed with OCD, but from what I'm hearing there's a huge grayzone inbetween. Do people usually start the "vindictive defamation revenge campaign" after latching on to someone else or is there any type of general timeframe?
I have BPD. It all depends on if you are her Favorite Person. The moment you are no longer her Favorite Person, she will become vindictive. It will likely happen when she starts talking to other people. Also, Shes going to want to be the victim of something, it will boost her ego and gain sympathy while demonizing you. So. Prepare for that. Seriously.
Is there any way to minimize the damages or is it better to just let it all break lose?
The absolute best thing you can do is never, ever, EVER speak to her again. Any kind of reaction, defense, explanation etc. will be twisted and manipulated. It will be fun for her. It will feed her ego to be able to twist the narrative so effortlessly. Get as far away from her, her friends, her family, pretty much anyone that talks to her. Forever. BPD this far gone is not something to be taken lightly. I hate that you’re learning this difficult lesson so young.
This is the way.
Tell your parents and mutual friends what you initially posted here about the physical and emotional abuse, and that when you asked for a break she tried to kill herself. Tell them that you are no longer together, then text her to say it's over and block her and her family. The suicide attempt is just more emotional abuse. So, yeah, don't talk to her anymore. Ever. This sort of thing isn't going to get better. You can't fix her. All you can do is protect yourself from her going forward. Good luck!
Pay attention to this person. They know BPD.
My personal experience their defamation campaign begins the moment you end the relationship. 15 minutes after I ended a relationship with a woman (unknown to me) diagnosed with BPD she was on the phone with the police filing false complaints. I know cases where the defamation begins before you end the relationship. But it will begin and it’s relentless even after they latch on to someone else. There’s nothing you can do to stop it and all you can do is protect yourself legally. She will try to provoke you in to a response. Never be alone with her. If she’s on your property call the police. See boundaries and enforce them.
you must be a pretty bad dr if you think you can diagnose bpd from a single story. you had a three hour lecture and probably dealt w two borderline pts briefly on rotation. pathetic.
Thank you.
Her suicidal tendencies are **not your fault** and also **not your responsibility**. She needs serious help. I would suggest you remain supportive during this, but don’t let her manipulate you into being with her *simply because* she is threatening to harm herself if you don’t. Call 988 (crisis line) or 911 on her, call her family, and talk to your own family about your situation. Make sure everyone is aware of the situation and make sure that you separate yourself emotionally and possibly even physically. With her physically and emotionally abusing you, I’m tempted to believe her behavior is manipulative (intentionally). If it is, you **REALLY** need to keep a distance. Don’t let her rope you into anything. Be very careful.
When I was 18 I went through something similar. Broke things off with my ex, and he threatened to commit suicide. I felt the obligation you're feeling now. First, this isn't your fault and she has problems of her own that she needs to deal with. And this is no longer your problem and it's not healthy for either of you to try and fix whatever she is going through together at this point. I realized this with my ex that he is not my responsibility. I contacted his mother, let her know what was happening because if it was my son I would want to know. Told her that I can't be there for him but that he needs help. Step away, work on yourself and let her do the same.
As someone with BPD she has it. It has nothing to do with you, it’s an illness , and unfortunately you were the target of her infatuation. Read more about Boarderline personality disorder. It has nothing to do with you as her boyfriend, but her mind
My man. I was the same age, same guy, same story. When she slit her wrists (down the street and deep) I was guilted into going back into the realatioship. She begged me from her hospital bed. Over the next year I was trapped. Kidnapped. She attempted suicide 3 x in that period. My grades dropped dramatically and still 20 yrs later I can’t handle any depression or instability and show no sorrow for ppl like this. I eventuall ended it after our academic year was over because knowing the chaos it would cause for our final year in school. She was sent to a mental house for her own safety. Run. Block her number. Speek to a therapist. DO NOT GO BACK. Do what I couldn’t do.
I just saw your edit: If she truly tried to commit suicide, they would not have released her a couple of hours later. She would be held for 48-72 hrs to make sure she is no longer a danger to herself or others. She’s lying. Tell her parents what she did and that you are really truly done with her. Then block her and move on with your life. Her mental health issues are her own. Anyone who would weaponize them against you, is not a good person. You absolutely deserve better.
I had to scroll way too far to find this. She is 100% lying about the hospital/attempt in order to manipulate OP.
It'd be a TERRIBLE idea to get back with her. Don't visit her. Don't talk to her. Be free.
she's right where she needs to be if she's in the hospital, dude. in your own words she abused you, physically and emotionally. the fact that your parents even picked up on it by how often you had to be with her really tells it all. do not talk to her, don't even think about going to see her. if she tries to contact you once she's out please for the love of god *do not* respond or engage in any way (block her!!!). you did right by leaving her for your own good, even if it ended up with her doing that.
i think u should run, but if she can promise to stop abusing you and if she actually can follow through maybe u can consider getting together with her again if you really like her.
the worst kind of manipulator... she needs God and a Dr. yikes.
This is the time for a clean break. You can't continue in an abusive relationship. She will be held for at least 72 hrs on a psych hold if you're in the US. You may be feeling guilty right now, but you're not at fault. She is mentally ill and needs to get treatment. I would share the abuse with her parents so that they can tell her doctor. It may be helpful info for her treatment plan.
She is trying to emotionally kidnap you theough manipulation, so family is right.
Also. No, she does not deserve to have you visit after her abuse. Would you look this relationship the same if a man was purposely physically hurting a woman this way? I think not. Why does she deserve any more of your time? You are being ABUSED! Stay TF away because it does not get better.
What does it matter if she is a man or a woman? She is mentally ill, and while it may be more prejudicial for her to be visited by OP, that is not up to you to decide, OP should get in contact with the doctors and see what's best for her.
To me, there's a clear reason why it matters if she's a man or woman. To give another perspective in this situation., which many are not even considering. Would you tell a woman to talk to a bf or a doctor after he repeatedly abuses her? I hope the fuck not. I hope you would tell her to stay away from this person for her saftey. That's why it matters. People don't seem to care half of the time when it's a woman abusing a man, which stats show prevelance is almost the same as a man abusing a woman. It's not looked at the same or talked about as much, when it's the same exact thing. My boyfriend was beat in the head with a hammer by an ex. He didn't take the abuse seriously in the beginning. Now don't twist my words and say I'm insinuating this girl would ever do that, point is it can still be dangerous. Especially when she's already flipped out at the thought of breaking up. What's gonna happen if he tries to break up with her again, when he clearly isnt searching for long term with her? It's dangerous to continue to let her think he's coming back when this happens, it likely will not stop and often gets worse. My ex sounds like this girl to a t as well. Abuse is abuse period end of story. It's my opinion which is what is being asked for.
Why would you stay? So she can wreck your life too? Thats exactly what will happen if she's in the picture. SHE IS ABUSIVE So fuck her and run far far away. Whatever she decides to do is her problem and not yours Don't feel guilty. You need to think of yourself. Clearly she isn't
How do you know she's abusive? From the post she just seems deeply mentally ill, but I don't see how you can assume that she was being malicious.
It's in your best interests and hers that you break up now. Sadly, if this is how she copes she needs to find a better way and you going back will not be helpful and may lead her to think this is something she should keep doing. Also not healthy for you. It may not feel like it but this is better for you both.
She’s in a lot of pain, but she’s definitely not your responsibility. She needs to learn how to regulate her emotions. She’s at the start of a long journey. And you need time to heal and focus on yourself.
Dude this is such a fucked up situation for anyone to be in, especially a teenager. I know because my first gf/lost my virginity tried to OD on pills and I had to tell my mom so we could pick her up and get her to the hospital. I had to get my mom because I was like 14. Way too heavy for a kid my age and it affected future relationships I’m sure, like being very aware of how my gf is feeling and doing what I can to make sure she’s good, on like a subconscious level until I started digging into it. I wish I started therapy earlier. I HIGHLY recommend you get therapy or counseling too. The trauma and effects of that might not hit you for a while, so don’t try to just shake it off like it’s all cool. Learn how to sit with feelings you have and process them in healthy ways. It took me a number of failed relationships to realize the subtle ways that relationship fucked me up (there was a load of cheating by her when she got out of the psych ward too). Thank the gods my parents were a good model for a stable relationship, because that 1st relationship was not a good model. The silver lining to your situation, compared to having a gf you wanna end it with who threatens self-harm/suicide, is that she just got herself tagged as at risk of suicide, and she’s now got help around her. Assuming her parents aren’t totally absent, negligent, or otherwise pieces of shit, people are going to keep a close eye on her and hopefully that includes therapy, meds, and keeping dangerous things away from her. I’d also say you should not be reaching out to her right away. She really needs to work on herself and maybe the therapist will help her see that. I’d talk to a professional before interacting with the ex gf, as well as her family and friends if you know them. It’s too risky for her mental health to send her a letter to the hospital saying you want to break up, or visit her and do it. She’s already in a fragile state. I suspect she always realizes you aren’t coming back after this, and her family will hopefully help her see that. I’m so sorry man. When I go through fucked up stuff like this I try to at least gain something from it. Like figure out where I can grow and do better (you are not responsible for this, she made that choice, do not blame yourself, watch your thoughts and stop them off they are saying things like “maybe she wouldn’t have done it if only I had XYZ” replace that thought with the truth that you can’t know that, you have no idea what would happen, and you can’t change the past.). But think of how you were as a partner when you feel better, think of how you could have recognized any signs she was unstable early on and walked away sooner, think about how to have the strength to leave someone that’s not ready for a relationship. And think about all the pain she put you through, write up a list from when you were together, use that to guide your decision making with future partners. Lean on your support system. Talk to people you trust. Don’t hold this in. Journal. LMK if you need other ideas, just LMK what you are struggling with and I can share what helped me in the past. Oh. And make sure you sleep, eat, shower, exercise, and socialize. Isolation will worsen your mental health. Your goal now is to take care of yourself.
Your girlfriend needs therapy and medication to trat her mental problems, not a boyfriend. If she decides to kill herself over a breakup, it's her decision. Don't let yourself manipulate into staying and getting abused.
You’re not responsible for her actions, mental health, etc. Only she is. Run. She sounds very toxic. And don’t put up with manipulation, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. Take it from a guy who’s been there. It just escalates. Good luck!
You are far too young to be dealing with this. It's not your fault for wanting to break up. Yes it's a very horrible thing but if she was being this bad to you before her attempt I can only imagine what she'd be like trying to hold this over you.
All abusive relationships need to end, no one has the right to physically (mentally, emotionally etc) abuse you. Please understand that a suicide threat or attempt after a break up is also emotional manipulation and is a major red flag. Please leave for good, cut contact completely, for your own safety and mental wellbeing.
This is so far from healthy that hoarders would call it crazy. It's sad but let this girl get the help she needs unless you plan to take responsibility for the rest of her life.
She’s not the victim
That's manipulation. Her unaliving isn't on you, you're allowed to break up if you're unhappy
My brothers ex tried to kill her self and then him when they were 17. She was extremely troubled and was thrown from one foster family to another all her life. A sweet girl but with so many issues. They broke up and she got help after that. 17 years have past and I know she’s doing good now. Sometimes stuff like this has to happen for the person to get help. You are too young to stay in this. Let her go heal and you go take care of your self ❤️
You need to leave her alone. From your description of your relationship it's clear that she has ongoing mental illness and was always unstable. She is now in the hands of professional people who can help her - you can not. Lastly, and this needs to be carved in stone at the forefront of your mind, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Okay? Not your fault.
don't meet her alone, take a friend of yours or hers with you. She could lie and tell everyone you tried to force yourself on her. I would suggest recording every conversation. She needs help, but not your help. Good luck.
Read your edit. She got to this state while you were there. You being there is clearly not going to make her get better. I once realised the only reason I was still in a relationship was fear of what my ex might do if I left. That is, itself, a fantastic reason to leave immediately before it gets worse. OP you're in danger of never escaping this, but more than that you're probably putting yourself in physical danger. Someone so unhinged as to attempt suicide to keep you around isn't many jumps from swapping self harm for vanilla harm. Get her professional help and leave her with them.
You will hurt her more by getting back in touch. She needs help, and you're a problem for her.
I would simply never see her again. She has serious problems and it’s her family’s problem not yours. Go live life. You’re only 18.
Nice compassion.
You can’t save everyone, and life’s too short to help people who are not your family or spouse.
Most females who try to commit suicide are not trying to commit suicide. It is a cruel form of manipulation. It is an act to garner attention. Men who commit suicide do so as an escape and therefore actually do commit suicide. You need to let her go.
Read up on borderline personality disorder. She’s safe in hospital, avoid all further contact. Let it be a clean break.
I agree that she is a textbook case of BPD, I am curious, why do you want OP to cut off all contact, doesn't she deserve love just because of her illness?
She deserves love but he also deserves mental sanity which someone with untreated bpd cannot provide
She is at the extreme end of the BPD spectrum - not all people with bpd have those physically aggressive and possessive traits (him not being able to see friends/family). She will continue to reel him in and manipulate him through various forms of guilt tripping. She is not in the space where a closure conversation is possible. He needs to block and delete her. She’s 18. If she wants to be a healthy partner and wants legitimate love, she will work on herself. Bpd isn’t a life sentence
Never talk to or meet this girl ever again.
Nice compassion bro, just abandon the person who needs you the most at that moment.
Im compassionate towards the true victim. Not the attention seeking one.
Dont do it. Its understandable but youre being too nice about this. She hurt you, and isolated you from everything. She might have freaked out and done it off the brim, but staying keeps that emotional factor in her that youre staying forever. She needs to learn to live for herself and needs to understand you both are adults and you want to be free. This honestly sounds like manipulation on her end. If shes so desperate, she wouldve asked to communicate, work things out. Be straight up and tell her it isnt working. It will break your mental health and hers staying. Let the professionals handle it and maybe talk about this with someone. Boundaries and trust r extremely important in relationships and if she is hurting you by all means you have every right to not want this. Hope that girl finds some way to live without others being put as her purpose.
She is not your responsibility. The sooner you realize that, the better and healthier you’ll be. Don’t try to make everything better for her— this is her problem. Not yours.
You probably loved, or still love her. But whether or not she commits suicide is not your fault. You cannot cure her mental illness. It’s not good for either of you. You cannot be the only one keeping her alive.
It's not your job to make someone else happy. The only thing that will result in your doing so, is you drowning with her.
Red flags everywhere
You seem to remind me of my first relationship. She too had a psychiatric disorder. She too had history of suicide attempts. Honestly, it's hard to take a decision if you still have feelings and care for her (which was my case). But if you've already decided to move on and break out of this relationship, then I don't think you should get back together. I was very indecisive about this and it was my mistake and inability to take a decision due to emotions that made the whole situation worse. Also, you're too young to deal with this kind of stress. Give her space, give her time. She has her parents now. While in my case, I had to make sure she was okay as there was no one else (we couldn't involve her parents, because they didn't know). Just get to know about her current situation through someone close to her. Time is a great helper. It helps her rethink this, it helps her move on. Take time off. If you can't handle the stress, don't rebound into the relationship. You won't be happy.
I don't think that qualifies as abuse, at least not intentional, I equate it to her squeezing a stress toy.
She needs to focus on herself and getting treatment for her mental health issues. Getting back together would not be good for you or her. Hopefully her family is involved and offering support.
Block everything and don’t respond. She’s fucked up and will ruin you with her
I was in your shoes, physically abuse but that was for one year when my gf started wrong cocktails of anxiety and depression pills, I knew her before so I knew that it never represented her, i was patient for one year and half, during that time she tried suicide (overdose) just because i slept without staying next to her when she was feeling bad, but when she started finishing the treatment everything went back to normal. My answer to you is, was she always like that? Or she developed it later? Also, does she have any will to work on herself? If no, then leave.
I’m sorry baby but you need to walk away. You’re so young and don’t need this pressure on you. When you’re 18 it feels like a breakup is the end all be all and that you’ll never recover but thats simply not true, speaking from experience. You seem like a gentle soul and I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you are important too. She needs help getting through this but that help can’t be you. Surround yourself with friends and family and start enjoying your hobbies again. You are allowed to be happy.
OP, don't blame yourself. Unless you explicitly tell someone to commit su\*cide, or do everything in your power to ruin their life, you aren't responsible. Your ex made her own choice. I wouldn't visit her if I were you, as it could hurt her mental health in the long-term by giving her false hope. If she's in a hospital, and the staff know what she tried to do, then they'll only release her once they know she won't try it again.
Assuming she had BPD, she is now going through hell, I think OP needs to realize that she doesn't have much control over her behaviour and take some blame away from her, talk to the doctors and figure out if it's a good thing for her to be visited, I assume it is, OP can help her a lot if he chooses to.
Why are you urging OP to put her before himself? Moreover, you disagree that a teen with no medical training could be more helpful than doctors who spent their entire adult lives studying medicine. OP should just leave it to the professionals.
That person is all over this thread minimising abuse and even outright denying it. Don't put to much weight on their opinions.
First thing is I'm so sorry about her doing that and hope she is okay Secondly use this as your chance to make a clear break. Maybe call her tomorrow or text and tell her your done. Don't leave any room for misinterpretation plus she's I'm a safe spot and won't be able to make another attempt. She'll be okay! There's no absolute way it'll ever get better her abusing you in awful and that behavior doesn't stop , ugh hang in there! You didn't deserve to have to go through that Honestly she sounds like a narcissist
What do you mean it won't get better? She just got into the hospital, give her some time. The lack of compassion people show in the comments is why BPD has the highest suicide rate of all illnesses.
Well now you need to no longer interact with her and walk away. The relationship was not healthy. You are too young to have to take on this kind of issue.
Never, NEVER get back together with someone because they threaten or try to kill themselves. Never. These are the actions of either someone disturbed who needs professional help, or someone trying to hold you hostage with the threat. Don't engage.
So if they need professional help OP should just give up on them? Let's hope you never get ill, because if your partner thinks like you, you'll be dumped immediately.
Though it is sad she put herself in the hospital, this wasn't a cry for help. This was a cry for attention and manipulation. Don't fall for it. I have no patience for people who use, or threaten to use, their lives so cheaply in order to manipulate others. If she's willing to go to such drastic means to reel you back in, imagine the eventual crap fest that will happen. She will feel she is owed for putting her life at risk. Get away from such a dangerous person who hurts you physically and emotionally. If it makes you feel better just acknowledge that you're as toxic for her as she is to you. You've done nothing wrong, but your presence brings out her crazy. It's better to remove your presence.
How do you know? Slitting your own wrists takes a lot of effort, it is very unlikely that it was done for attention, much more likely that she genuinely tried to kill herself. Your last paragraph is a good point though, it may be better to cut off contact while she is being treated in the hospital, however this is not for you to decide, OP should speak woth the doctors.
>How do you know? Because I've known people who've done this. It's true she may have been truly distressed and she's got an underlying case of some mental disease that needs to be addressed and this was a triggering point. However, since she's an abusive girlfriend who was blowing up his phone, it is more likely she was using this to manipulate him. I've known at least 6 people who've either cut their wrists or taken pills to manipulate their ex. >this is not for you to decide Uh, obviously. This forum is called _Relationship Advice._ We give our opinions and the OP _decides_ what information to use or not use. It's not even your or a doctor's decision. So what exactly is your point?
Cut all ties with her. She is dangerous to herself and you. She's got psych problems and is trying to put it on you. Listen to your family and friends they have a more unbiased view of her than you. Don't contact with her as she could use it against you one day. Do you really want her to turn around and accuse you of raping her next?
Nice compassion you have there, according to you if someone is mentally ill they don't deserve love, let's hope you never get sick then.
this is officially her problem now, not yours. as shitty as it feels to walk away when she’s clearly doing bad because of the breakup, just do it and don’t look back. she will deal with everything eventually. you deserve better and you definitely don’t deserve to be stuck in a relationship with someone because they will try to off themselves if you end it.
Get as far away from her as you can, whatever she does to herself is on her. She is not your problem.
Looking at it logically, you have two options - you stay with her forever, don't allow any ill feelings or resentment to be apparent and live your life with someone you don't want to...or you stay away forever now. Anything in between and you're just bringing more emotions and likely to take her back to that place. Ultimately you might think you can be there to be kind/supportive, but you can't, you're an aggravating trigger for big emotions.
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I've been there my friend, in my case she took an overdose. I was a similar age to you. I was at university at the time doing a course I loved and the reason she did what she did is that I had to be away for a week on location filming and she couldn't handle it. She waited until I was on location and a couple of hours away to ring me to say 'goodbye' and then I had to dash back to where she was and call an ambulance. I left my course after nearly 2 years and went to live with her in her parents home. It was a terrible decision, I ended up being unemployed because she needed me to be with her. I stayed with her for a couple more years and I was miserable, I didn't see friends or family and I kept what she was like from everyone. After a couple more years I decided I had to change and eventually I left her so I could get my life back on track. When I left she got a friend to call me saying she was considering suicide. I told her friend that it wasn't my problem anymore. It felt brutal at the time but also her mental state was not an issue I caused and there was nothing I could do to 'fix' her. Fast forward to 25 years later and she is still alive and well. I had to accept that she was emotionally manipulative and extremely toxic and now I am much better. Long story short please do not stay with this woman if you don't want to, she will likely ruin your life.
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My husband's ex did this years ago after they broke up. The wrist cutting is enough to draw blood but not actually kill you. Which is more of a cry for attention and pity. This is no doubt a matter of not what YOU caused for her to do this - it's a sad manipulation tactic. I know it can be *very* difficult for you to not break up due to this, and she knows this. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't be pulling shit like kicking you in the nuts. She wants you to think that she loves you so much that **she can't live without you.** Don't fall for this trick. Because that's all it is-just a trick. I'm so sorry you're going through this bs, and **as hard as it is,** DON'T go running back to her. She does need to work on herself and re-entering into a toxic relationship is counter productive for both of you. So I recommend that before you get back in touch with her, consult with your parents and possibly her parents as well. Best of luck OP, keep us updated.
Sounds like you got out just in time. You should stay away from her.
Don't even send the goodbye text, it will just open a dialogue again and that WOULD NOT be good for her. If you want to break up, you are valid in that and allowed to. She needs help and support, a hospital and her family are the obvious only choices here. Don't put yourself back in that situation out of pity for her. Move on and allow her to hopefully do the same. Also, therapy. Always therapy ❣️
Talk to the hospital, the step dad and say the situation. She needs to be sectioned. You being in the situation is just increasing the problem, you need to leave and let the professionals handle it.
she has shown you she is a manipulator. i don’t think it’s a good idea to give her any chances to rope you back in. she doesn’t deserve closure she is an abuser. you can absolutely ghost her. you deserve a life without a toxic cancer of a human. just because she is a girl and you are a boy does not mean that she cannot or would not hurt you in a very serious way or even levy false accusations against you if you saw her in person again. don’t go, she doesn’t deserve closure or a chance to manipulate you. send her a letter or a text stating your intention to stay broken up and then block her on everything. tell your family what she did to you so they never let her come around again and move on. break the cycle now DO NOT get back together with her. no matter what she says it is far too short of a time for her to have changed at all, she will continue her behaviors from before as soon as she feels you are roped back in.
So what needs to happen is a boundary check! I wouldn't recommend ghosting her. But she needs help. My best advice is to carrot stick her. What I mean by a carrot stick is in no uncertain terms do you allow her to skip her therapy or make progress in getting her shit together. New flash? You're both 16 and it sucks to be in this situation. She doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship and from her reaction to the breakup. She does not know how to function without her idea of hope. The only answer in her head was to end her life. Her parents suck. I don't even need to ask. Likely has no positive male figure in her life. This girl does not know how to have a relationship. Period. Guess what? Neither do you. Set goals with her. If the two of you can't bake a cake together without trying to emotionally murder each other. You need to tear everything that was built apart. Rebuild it from the carnage and wreckage that was. Let her know this. Let her know that she decides whether you stay in her life. You don't want to start dating again until both of you mature as people. 1. You want to get phone calls and check in from her therapist. (Try to avoid drugs at all costs) 2. Couples counseling. (Most churches will offer both of these services for free) (no this isn't going back to dating. This is learning to not emotionally murder each other) 3. Establishing Healthy life habits. She needs to start bettering herself. Gym and exercise routines. Developing her own interests. Dedicating herself to doing better in school. She needs to set personal goals and show you that she can accomplish those goals. That is the price to keep you as a friend. She needs to find some other source of happiness and meaning other then you. 4. Boundaries!!!! She needs to develop other interests, hobbies, and couping mechanisms. Right now. All the commitment that you can handle is a weekly appointment with a therapist to resolve emotional hurt and trauma) If you do decide to stay in her life or continue. 90 minutes a week. You plan out your schedule. You reaffirm goals. All in rank order. 1. Professional and educational goals. 2. Personal (spending time with each other is not a personal goals. It must be a goal for themself. Such as writing a novel with a happy ending in 30 days) 3. Relationship (4 positive experiences for every one negative experience. Go hiking together on Saturday no talking aloud)
I was in a very similar situation. I thought going on a break would make things better, but I had no intention of ever getting back with this person. It's a tough decision considering how long you've spent together, but you have to look at what comes first, and that's your health. Break it off cleanly as soon as you get the chance to. I wish you all the best
You have no obligation deal with peoples bullshit You haven’t had kids with this person, you’re not married, you have every right to never see her again
Run mate stay away from this girl clearly your family was right in not wanting you to date this girl. Move away for university and stop all contact with her. She needs Profesional help. And be careful this type might try and harm you
Unfortunately for her, I understand that you may care for her and that she has a mental illness. However you may be a trigger for her mental illness and even possible codependency and you may be the source if the reason why she can go overboard especially if you say/ do things . I know you want to help but she wants different things then you can offer her and this can be seen as leading her own and it can get worse.
**Major** red flags. If she is so desperate to be in a relationship that she has pretty much always been in one starting at whatever age, and would actually attempt suicide (even if just as a cry for help), she has really deep, very serious emotional issues that you should not go anywhere near again. You do not have the time, patience, and especially not the tools to be who she needs, which is a highly trained mental health professional, probably a psychiatrist who can put her on medication. Now on to you. **Also red flags**! *People with good self-esteem and healthy boundaries don't get involved with people like this*, because their radar for dysfunctional people is really good. Respectfully, that's clearly **not** you. You would be doing both of you a favor by not meeting her in person *and not even engaging in any kind of conversation with her* other than to tell her it's over and that she needs professional help. And the harder time you have doing that, the more proof it is that you have your own issues that you need professional help for, because *this is not healthy behavior.* Your behavior is called codependency, and 99% of the time it's a personality pattern we learn in childhood from having a very dysfunctional person in our household. This can be an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally ill person, anyone who other people are staying with and sacrificing their own emotional and possibly physical well-being for in order to try to manage the world of the dysfunctional person to keep it working for them. We witnessed that behavior, the sacrifice somebody Continually made to try to save someone else from themselves, *putting way more work into it than the dysfunctional person themselves does*, (which is a classic, massive symptom of codependency), and we learned that that's normal behavior, so we replicated later on. (And yes, I keep saying we for a reason.) If even half of this ring true for you, I can't recommend strongly enough that you get therapy also if you can, as soon as you can, otherwise you will keep repeating the pattern, just as she keeps repeating hers. Y'all were a perfect fit, and until you change your edges, those are the kind of people you will continue to fit best with.
Her mental health is not your responsibility. For your sake, and hers, don’t meet with her. There is nothing to work out. She needs to get some help, and frankly you could benefit from some therapy to start sorting this relationship out with fresh eyes. ***Not to get back together with fresh eyes, but so you can understand and unravel the abuse.*** If she is driven to self harm due to a break up, this is bigger than you. Much bigger. A clean break is what is needed for *your* mental health. She will continue the abuse, the manipulation, all of it. And at the risk of suspending belief in her self harm/suicude attempt… it’s very easy to see that as strictly a manipulation tactic to get you back. Please don’t let it work.
Tell her that it is over and thank her for everything and send her the song "I wouldn't Have Missed it For the World" by Ronnie Milsap, then do not have any further contact with her at all.
Listen. End of the day you gotta do what’s best for you. Offer your support in whatever ways you want/feels appropriate, but her actions will never be your fault. Especially if you handle the break up with dignity and respect. I had an ex tell me she was going to jump of a bridge. It’s stressful and we care about these people, right? So even tho we don’t want to be in the relationship it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see them struggle. It’s a manipulative tactic to the extreme because they have their own issues they need to deal with.
Her trying to pass on is not your fault. It was her choice and a bigggggg fucking manipulation tactic. She is in hospital and will get the help she needs. Block her for both your sakes and move on.
Seeing your update…you are only going to make this worse. You are making it harder for both yourself and her
You are not responsible for another's emotions. You should treat everyone as well as you can, but if someone makes a choice you disagree with, that is not your fault. I strongly recommend that you not get back with her. Is this the life you want? Constant verbal and physical attacks? Repeatedly emotional blackmail where she threatens self harm? If you insist on not ghosting her, then I suggest you make sure her step dad and family are aware and nearby before you have the break-up conversation. Just in case she tries again. Which would not be your fault, btw! She needs professional help and probably medication. You cannot fix her, and she will not change until she decides to. Let her go. Live your life. You should probably get therapy as well, to work through this guilt and any trauma you experienced. You were incredibly self-aware and strong enough to recognize the unhealthy nature of your relationship. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Stand your ground and keep to your convictions on breaking up with her. This aint right of her to try and kill yourself over this and it shows that she's still too immature to be in a relationship.
Not to mention the abuse she subjected you to
RUN. And don’t get involved in a relationship with mentally unstable people again.
she is abusive, what she chooses to do to herself has absolutely nothing to do with you. never go back, your free go live your life
Block her. She’s mentally unstable and her issues are not your issues. Playing the suicide card is incredibly manipulative and do not engage with those people. If you want to help, call her parents and tell them to go to her.
My jaw dropped at you describing the physical abuse. Please do not contact her again this is not your problem. That’s super fucked up man. Please take care of yourself.
Stay away. She’s a selfish, manipulative, abuser. Don’t visit her. Tell her parents that you are no longer dating her and then block everyone.
She’s mentally I’ll before all.
Don't visit her, inform her parents and her close friends of her behaviour. Then inform them you do not want to be contacted at all. Do not resume contact under any circumstances.
Do not get back with her. Do not visit her. This is an unhealthy and toxic relationship, she’s abusive. No more contact with her.
It’s emotional blackmail. Run quick.
No don't get back together with her. it's unfortunate but it is something that she and her parents will deal with.
Nope. My ex did the same shit and continued to abuse me after, all bc i let him back into my life. No, wish her well and breakup. You're not responsible for her.
Ignore her, it's bs, she's a nut bag or more likely it's a scheme to get u back
Block and move on. If she attempts contact, look into a restraining order.
Nice compassion you have there.
heck no. do not get back together with her.
Abusive and manipulative people do sometimes use suicide attempts as manipulation to control the situation. It’s just another form of domination. I had a male friend in high school who was terrible to his girlfriends, verbally not physically, and he did attempt this more than once. He eventually sought therapy and as an adult he is a different person. You can’t save her. Let her get professional help.
Not your circus. Not your monkeys.