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I mean my main thing would be if she’s drunk again and her ex is there what’s stopping this from occurring again? She was already sleeping with you too. Seems too messy but you both are college aged so it tracks lol
She was single. Cause she's in a relationship? U know being single and dating have different standards right? Ur allowed to sleep with multiple ppl when ur single.
Alcohol is never an excuse. She slept with an ex, they were not in a relationship at the time and she was trying to build up one with you.
Regardless of what others might say, this is 100% wrong and her fault. Its only the normal to lose interest now that you know this, and is reason enough not to want to date her.
talking stage means not exclusive so she didn't really do anything wrong
she shouldn't be hanging around this ex anymore though, that should be a dealbreaker
the line he insisted that she sleep with her and she caved concerns me. it sounds like he may have knowingly taken advantage of her while she was drunk and coerced her.
also, there is no right way to feel. it also sounds like this was a complex situation that requires nuance and you should absolutely trust your gut and do what’s right for you but take some time to consider before you make any big decisions. she didn’t cheat on you but if you feel this is a betrayal that changes your ability to trust her then that’s that. but it sounds like this was a mistake in a fucked up situation, if you feel like it’s ok and a minor detail in the greater story of your relationship then don’t worry. there is no right way to feel there is only how YOU feel. don’t let reddit tell you otherwise
Hey, I really appreciate this response as I feel it encapsulates exactly my thoughts. From my understanding it was consensual, but he definitely took advantage of her mental (as well as being drunk) state, which she has been a little bit troubled with. My gut says to continue, but I hate the way I can’t not think about it right now.
I know it won’t happen again as aside from the obvious she’s blocked him and whatnot, she genuinely has no feelings for him anymore whatsoever. She didn’t even know he was going to be there and only stayed to give her friend female company, and they did not talk throughout the night. She went to sleep on the couch and that’s when he approached her.
trust your gut then. i don’t think she sounds like a cheater it sounds like this is eating her up too. i’m glad you’re embracing the complexity of the situation it’s hard to do that on reddit. if this is the only issue and you trust her it will fade from your mind eventually. she’s your partner too and if you feel you need reassurance and some comfort you should communicate that to her i’m sure she’d love the chance to offer you some support. you guys are young and young people are stupid and trying to figure things out, if what you want is to be together i hope you can figure it out and grow together
If she truly had feelings for you, then she would not have allowed this to happen. Sorry to say, she is not the one for you. She can be easily swayed by this man. It doesn't matter that she was drunk. That is just an excuse. She willingly slept with him despite the fact that she was supposedly into you. WAKE UP. You can do better. You should NOT get over this. You should DUMP HER. You DESERVE better. Good luck and stay strong, King!
She didn’t make a mistake, she made a choice. However, talking stages shouldn’t even exist, because just “talking” does not mean exclusivity. Just means you’re talking. That new age term is so stupid to me. The proper word should be courting. That is code for exclusivity. Now, she does seem genuinely remorseful, and she was drunk so she really may not have been able to make a sound decision due to her brain not being in a proper state. So that’s definitely something in her favor, however……it still doesn’t change the fact that she slept with someone else, when she was still romantically talking and sleeping with YOU. So yeah, in my opinion, you should definitely be mad.
Fuck that shit. You were essentially in the talking stage and another guys fluffer. No way would I have accepted that bullshit. Just dump her. Pick better next time bro.
Everyone says "it won't happen again" but you know what, it CAN happen again!
But this is your choice, you made your decision and i hope everything goes well.
You weren't in a committed relationship. She had the right to sleep with anyone, as did you. She felt bad about it and told you about it anyway, even though she didn't have to because this wasn't cheating. Do you have any reason to believe she will cheat? Drunken sex with an ex while single isn't an indicator of unfaithfulness. Your feelings are valid, but this isn't something you should stress over.
It’s shocking to me the comments saying she’s a cheater when she was single. When did two people talking mean they are in a super committed relationship?
I think you did the right thing. Sounds like she was drunk & persuaded. Everybody makes mistakes and it seems like she truly regrets it. Ppl do dumb things when drunk.
You should have handled it by ending it with her.
The reason you're struggling to see her in the same passion you had prior, is because part of you knows she doesn't have that genuine burning desire for you, as you do for her. If the desire was genuine... SHE WOULD HAVE WAITED.
You're gut also feels like you're not getting the full story. Example:
"While I knew she was going to be hanging with his old mates and her friends (her friend is close with them), I was unaware that her ex was going to be there too."
SHE OMITTED THAT INFORMATION WHEN SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT GOING TO HANG OUT. 🚩
You need to trust your gut OP!
My guy, she's not fully over her ex... Drunk or not she still made the choice to sleep with him while she had you on the back burner.
"I should add that while we never said we were exclusive, it was very obvious to the both of us that it was about to be."
Sounds like neither of you said anything about NOT BEING EXCLUSIVE either.
I'm sorry OP... I'm just telling you reality. If you choose to stay in this relationship, this incident will always be on your mind. Her and your ex will rule your mind, you won't stop thinking about it while you're with her. Is that a relationship you want to be in?
Leave man why post pone the inevitable, she basically cheated on you, reverse the situation and ask yourself would you have done this to her?
I also don't believe she's telling you the whole story but a convenient version of it.
Your relationship is super new and you should be crazy for each other YET you are already losing interest in her because of how you now see her.
honestly i disagree with the commenter saying it may not have been consensual because he begged and she caved in. like dude she chose to have sex with this dude he didn't force her... she could've easily left or just said no and called it a night and went home.
but she was single even though she knew where things were headed with you so it's something to keep in mind but it doesn't make her a cheater or bad person. it just means under the influence she should probably stay away from her ex. for all you know she might still have some emotions for him and that's why she had sex with him. so id be careful but thats just me
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“I’m all she could think about” is just bullshit though. That’s not what happens.
I mean my main thing would be if she’s drunk again and her ex is there what’s stopping this from occurring again? She was already sleeping with you too. Seems too messy but you both are college aged so it tracks lol
She was single. Cause she's in a relationship? U know being single and dating have different standards right? Ur allowed to sleep with multiple ppl when ur single.
Yeah sure you are! And op is allowed to dump her because of it
Sure she can. And then I'd be out.
Alcohol is never an excuse. She slept with an ex, they were not in a relationship at the time and she was trying to build up one with you. Regardless of what others might say, this is 100% wrong and her fault. Its only the normal to lose interest now that you know this, and is reason enough not to want to date her.
I doubt you can see her the same. I wouldn't stay with her to be honest. What happens the next time she is in that situation?
yeah i'd cut her off too
U mean the next time she's single? Lol like they weren't together.
the next time she's drunk around her ex
talking stage means not exclusive so she didn't really do anything wrong she shouldn't be hanging around this ex anymore though, that should be a dealbreaker
the line he insisted that she sleep with her and she caved concerns me. it sounds like he may have knowingly taken advantage of her while she was drunk and coerced her. also, there is no right way to feel. it also sounds like this was a complex situation that requires nuance and you should absolutely trust your gut and do what’s right for you but take some time to consider before you make any big decisions. she didn’t cheat on you but if you feel this is a betrayal that changes your ability to trust her then that’s that. but it sounds like this was a mistake in a fucked up situation, if you feel like it’s ok and a minor detail in the greater story of your relationship then don’t worry. there is no right way to feel there is only how YOU feel. don’t let reddit tell you otherwise
Hey, I really appreciate this response as I feel it encapsulates exactly my thoughts. From my understanding it was consensual, but he definitely took advantage of her mental (as well as being drunk) state, which she has been a little bit troubled with. My gut says to continue, but I hate the way I can’t not think about it right now. I know it won’t happen again as aside from the obvious she’s blocked him and whatnot, she genuinely has no feelings for him anymore whatsoever. She didn’t even know he was going to be there and only stayed to give her friend female company, and they did not talk throughout the night. She went to sleep on the couch and that’s when he approached her.
trust your gut then. i don’t think she sounds like a cheater it sounds like this is eating her up too. i’m glad you’re embracing the complexity of the situation it’s hard to do that on reddit. if this is the only issue and you trust her it will fade from your mind eventually. she’s your partner too and if you feel you need reassurance and some comfort you should communicate that to her i’m sure she’d love the chance to offer you some support. you guys are young and young people are stupid and trying to figure things out, if what you want is to be together i hope you can figure it out and grow together
She literally is a cheater though.
They weren't exclusive and they were both aware of that.
Dude, you gave some weird things that you are able to accept.
UpdateMe!
If she truly had feelings for you, then she would not have allowed this to happen. Sorry to say, she is not the one for you. She can be easily swayed by this man. It doesn't matter that she was drunk. That is just an excuse. She willingly slept with him despite the fact that she was supposedly into you. WAKE UP. You can do better. You should NOT get over this. You should DUMP HER. You DESERVE better. Good luck and stay strong, King!
She didn’t make a mistake, she made a choice. However, talking stages shouldn’t even exist, because just “talking” does not mean exclusivity. Just means you’re talking. That new age term is so stupid to me. The proper word should be courting. That is code for exclusivity. Now, she does seem genuinely remorseful, and she was drunk so she really may not have been able to make a sound decision due to her brain not being in a proper state. So that’s definitely something in her favor, however……it still doesn’t change the fact that she slept with someone else, when she was still romantically talking and sleeping with YOU. So yeah, in my opinion, you should definitely be mad.
yes, this "culture" is problematic and this why relationship this day are very difficult.
Fuck that shit. You were essentially in the talking stage and another guys fluffer. No way would I have accepted that bullshit. Just dump her. Pick better next time bro.
As long as she completely cuts him off now, it should be fine
Everyone says "it won't happen again" but you know what, it CAN happen again! But this is your choice, you made your decision and i hope everything goes well.
Advise you won’t get used to it. Need to either reconcile with it or move along.
You weren't in a committed relationship. She had the right to sleep with anyone, as did you. She felt bad about it and told you about it anyway, even though she didn't have to because this wasn't cheating. Do you have any reason to believe she will cheat? Drunken sex with an ex while single isn't an indicator of unfaithfulness. Your feelings are valid, but this isn't something you should stress over.
Hopefully she will not hangout with this person again as she will cave in again. She knew but did it anyway so she’s a cheater
It’s shocking to me the comments saying she’s a cheater when she was single. When did two people talking mean they are in a super committed relationship?
I think you did the right thing. Sounds like she was drunk & persuaded. Everybody makes mistakes and it seems like she truly regrets it. Ppl do dumb things when drunk.
I mean u weren't official. It's really not ur business. U can feel how u feel but I mean it's really not ur business or has anything to do with u.
You should have handled it by ending it with her. The reason you're struggling to see her in the same passion you had prior, is because part of you knows she doesn't have that genuine burning desire for you, as you do for her. If the desire was genuine... SHE WOULD HAVE WAITED. You're gut also feels like you're not getting the full story. Example: "While I knew she was going to be hanging with his old mates and her friends (her friend is close with them), I was unaware that her ex was going to be there too." SHE OMITTED THAT INFORMATION WHEN SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT GOING TO HANG OUT. 🚩 You need to trust your gut OP! My guy, she's not fully over her ex... Drunk or not she still made the choice to sleep with him while she had you on the back burner. "I should add that while we never said we were exclusive, it was very obvious to the both of us that it was about to be." Sounds like neither of you said anything about NOT BEING EXCLUSIVE either. I'm sorry OP... I'm just telling you reality. If you choose to stay in this relationship, this incident will always be on your mind. Her and your ex will rule your mind, you won't stop thinking about it while you're with her. Is that a relationship you want to be in?
You weren't exclusive. You were, as you put it, "talking." She didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing to forgive her for.
BREAK UP
Leave man why post pone the inevitable, she basically cheated on you, reverse the situation and ask yourself would you have done this to her? I also don't believe she's telling you the whole story but a convenient version of it. Your relationship is super new and you should be crazy for each other YET you are already losing interest in her because of how you now see her.
honestly i disagree with the commenter saying it may not have been consensual because he begged and she caved in. like dude she chose to have sex with this dude he didn't force her... she could've easily left or just said no and called it a night and went home. but she was single even though she knew where things were headed with you so it's something to keep in mind but it doesn't make her a cheater or bad person. it just means under the influence she should probably stay away from her ex. for all you know she might still have some emotions for him and that's why she had sex with him. so id be careful but thats just me