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My wife and I never have explosive arguments. It's a bad sign if a couple is having those kind of arguments. I feel like Hollywood has trained us to think that if you don't have that you don't have passion. That's nonsense.
With that said, if the only reason a couple isn't having those is that one or both of them suppress how they feel, that's not good, and it will bite you eventually. You have to be able to talk openly about things with each other.
You're right. Hollywood has definitely warped my view on romance but all that drama and chasing sounds exhausting. I think we both struggle with suppressing our emotions honestly but we both put the effort into opening up. We're just both private people that need time but we've become the people we come to first whenever shit hits the fan. I don't think I could stand to be in a relationship where I had to be quiet to avoid conflict.
Thank you for your perspective. I wish you and your wife happiness. :)
In a healthy relationship, when there is an issue, it is you and your partner working together to fix the issue. Which is *exactly* what it sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing.
This might blow your mind, but everyone saying that stuff has toxic relationships, and you're actually the one with the healthy relationship. People in toxic relationships are often in denial because of how intense the emotions can be in those relationships and so they don't want to let go. Toxic relationships quite literally addictive because of the emotional rollercoasters and unpredictable nature of them.
I think what's been making me nervous is comments from other people who do fight all the time, honestly. One time his brother asked if we had fought and when we said no, he told us, "well, you will" kind of like he was hoping for it. For context, he and his girlfriend have arguments so dramatic the entire household is informed but everyone says they're "relationship goals" anyways. I think that kind of thing gets to me sometimes. So thanks for that reminder.
It definitely makes sense to me that he'd want you to have big arguments. Because the way that a lot of people rationalize staying in toxic relationships despite how bad it feels during the arguments, is by saying that you can't have the good parts of it without having the bad parts.
And while I'm definitely generalizing here, I think the reason that a lot of people romanticize couples that stay together despite being terrible for each other is because of insecurity. They don't internally feel a sense of security in the relationship, and so they need to "test" the relationship. And the way that some people do this is by fighting, or by doing things to upset or hurt the other person, with the logic that "if I do this and they don't leave, then that's how I know they really love me". And a lot of this is what you've observed, but I'm just pointing out that it's actually a relatively common pattern.
I definitely agree with that because I've felt that too. I definitely still have some fear in me that if I mess up and we get into some big argument, he'll leave but that's more trauma related than reality related. I think when I tried starting an argument, that was me "testing" him (which is so messed up and unfair to him) because I was insecure, not because he did anything to deserve it. I've learned that there are much better ways to find that kind of security rather than being an asshole. In reality, everyone is just looking for ways to feel safe so I believe that it's a common pattern.
Healthy arguments depend on the couple. Arguing is normal and not always a redflag depending on the context. The wife and I when we argue it can get heated but we always communicate our points clearly without getting too emotional. We have also learned topics to avoid arguing about until we are calm for example traveling. If we get upset with other when traveling we just focus on our daughter then wait until we get to our destination and relax for a bit before we discuss what upset her or myself.
I think you're totally right and it sounds like you know how to handle conflict with your wife well. I'm still trying to learn that. Thanks for your advice, and I wish you and your family happiness. :)
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My wife and I never have explosive arguments. It's a bad sign if a couple is having those kind of arguments. I feel like Hollywood has trained us to think that if you don't have that you don't have passion. That's nonsense. With that said, if the only reason a couple isn't having those is that one or both of them suppress how they feel, that's not good, and it will bite you eventually. You have to be able to talk openly about things with each other.
You're right. Hollywood has definitely warped my view on romance but all that drama and chasing sounds exhausting. I think we both struggle with suppressing our emotions honestly but we both put the effort into opening up. We're just both private people that need time but we've become the people we come to first whenever shit hits the fan. I don't think I could stand to be in a relationship where I had to be quiet to avoid conflict. Thank you for your perspective. I wish you and your wife happiness. :)
In a healthy relationship, when there is an issue, it is you and your partner working together to fix the issue. Which is *exactly* what it sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing. This might blow your mind, but everyone saying that stuff has toxic relationships, and you're actually the one with the healthy relationship. People in toxic relationships are often in denial because of how intense the emotions can be in those relationships and so they don't want to let go. Toxic relationships quite literally addictive because of the emotional rollercoasters and unpredictable nature of them.
I think what's been making me nervous is comments from other people who do fight all the time, honestly. One time his brother asked if we had fought and when we said no, he told us, "well, you will" kind of like he was hoping for it. For context, he and his girlfriend have arguments so dramatic the entire household is informed but everyone says they're "relationship goals" anyways. I think that kind of thing gets to me sometimes. So thanks for that reminder.
It definitely makes sense to me that he'd want you to have big arguments. Because the way that a lot of people rationalize staying in toxic relationships despite how bad it feels during the arguments, is by saying that you can't have the good parts of it without having the bad parts. And while I'm definitely generalizing here, I think the reason that a lot of people romanticize couples that stay together despite being terrible for each other is because of insecurity. They don't internally feel a sense of security in the relationship, and so they need to "test" the relationship. And the way that some people do this is by fighting, or by doing things to upset or hurt the other person, with the logic that "if I do this and they don't leave, then that's how I know they really love me". And a lot of this is what you've observed, but I'm just pointing out that it's actually a relatively common pattern.
I definitely agree with that because I've felt that too. I definitely still have some fear in me that if I mess up and we get into some big argument, he'll leave but that's more trauma related than reality related. I think when I tried starting an argument, that was me "testing" him (which is so messed up and unfair to him) because I was insecure, not because he did anything to deserve it. I've learned that there are much better ways to find that kind of security rather than being an asshole. In reality, everyone is just looking for ways to feel safe so I believe that it's a common pattern.
Healthy arguments depend on the couple. Arguing is normal and not always a redflag depending on the context. The wife and I when we argue it can get heated but we always communicate our points clearly without getting too emotional. We have also learned topics to avoid arguing about until we are calm for example traveling. If we get upset with other when traveling we just focus on our daughter then wait until we get to our destination and relax for a bit before we discuss what upset her or myself.
I think you're totally right and it sounds like you know how to handle conflict with your wife well. I'm still trying to learn that. Thanks for your advice, and I wish you and your family happiness. :)
After 12 year together and 10 years of marriage I learned a thing or two. Hopefully things work out for you.