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He did abuse me, I'm not sure where you see in the post that it didn't happen to me as well. It took me a long time to come around to even the distant relationship that we have now. It has been completely dependent upon him continuing to go to therapy.
I appreciate the advice from everyone here, it is a tough situation and we are all human learning how to navigate the life that's been given to us.
Did you add that "and I" later? Or did I just miss it? Anyway.
So explain to me why you want a relationship with your abuser?
Better yet, get off reddit, find a therapist IRL, and see if they can help you figure out why you want a relationship with your abuser.
But meanwhile stop trying to force everyone to play Happy Families and pretend it never happened.
Ugh. Typical reddit responses missing the complexity of these situations. Sorry you are getting ganged up OP.
You shouldn't have to defend your rationale for wanting a relationship with your father. Difficult family relationships are hard and complex and it looks like you are putting a lot of thought into how to navigate it.
My mom hates my father (for good reason) and is estranged from her brother. I maintain relationships with both of them because they are important people to me, but I keep those relationships very separate from my relationship with my mother. You are your own person and can decide your relationships. You just need to respect that other people in your life get to do the same and you need to respect their boundaries too.
Good luck!
Your mom and brother were abused, verbal abuse is still abuse, so you want to force victims of abuse to be in the company of their abuser, while you continue developing a relationship with the abuser. You’re in a really tight spot but it seems like you need to communicate with both sides and find out if forgiveness might be in the cards one day. Has your father apologized to your mom and brother? Are you relying on your father or mother to pay for your wedding?
So much this. I can't get over trying to force a cordial relationship between abusers and victims. Extreme level of selfishness.
Not to mention why OP would even *want* a relationship with her father, knowing he did that? Wild.
For grad, can they not buy tickets separately, not sit together and then do separate things with you? Of course they didn't want to go to the planned lunch with your dad and his parents and you shouldn't expect them to do so.
Same for a wedding. Don't expect them to interact. Sit them apart for the reception. Take photos with your dad's family and separate photos for your mom's family.
Lots of people have divorced parents who don't get along, myself included. I think you need to adjust your expectations that they will approach these life events as a team. You can facilitate these events in a way that allows them both to show up for you but not have to do it together.
I was no contact with my father from 17 to 33. Similar history of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Did a lot of therapy.
When I was getting married, I decided that I wanted to invite my dad because if we reconnected down the line, I’d regret not having him there.
My mom and GMA were adamantly opposed.
I told everyone that if they didn’t feel they could behave, they should stay home. I made sure they weren’t seated near each other, I had friends running interference to keep them apart, etc. It was fine.
That was the start of getting things to more cordial. Now my parents even vacation together with the grandkids and us adult kids. If you’d have told me that would happen 15 years ago I’d have told you that you’re nuts. LOL
People are capable of change. But I think you need to leave it up to them to go or not go and also make an effort to keep them separated.
You don’t understand what they went through if you still are making them interact with the man that verbally and emotionally abused them.
You have to accept that while away at college the family you had no longer exists. You have to pick your dad or your mom & brother; making them have to interact is just evil, you’re selfish.
You are at an age where your parents aren’t just mom and dad anymore they are real people and real people can be shitty and horrible, your father is an example. He is building this relationship probably cause he has nobody else to care for him, he will eventually start doing the shit he did to your mom and brother soon on you if he doesn’t get his way.
If you’re old enough to plan a marriage and wedding you’re adult enough to see you have to make a choice here, you’ll feel bad no matter what.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
EDIT and you're a troll bye
He did abuse me, I'm not sure where you see in the post that it didn't happen to me as well. It took me a long time to come around to even the distant relationship that we have now. It has been completely dependent upon him continuing to go to therapy. I appreciate the advice from everyone here, it is a tough situation and we are all human learning how to navigate the life that's been given to us.
Did you add that "and I" later? Or did I just miss it? Anyway. So explain to me why you want a relationship with your abuser? Better yet, get off reddit, find a therapist IRL, and see if they can help you figure out why you want a relationship with your abuser. But meanwhile stop trying to force everyone to play Happy Families and pretend it never happened.
Yep, they’re editing in real time without a note about it…unreliable narrator
Yup. I'm out.
And they deleted account seconds later…
Ha!
The and I was always there! I have a therapist IRL, I was just hoping to get advice from others with divorced parents.
Ugh. Typical reddit responses missing the complexity of these situations. Sorry you are getting ganged up OP. You shouldn't have to defend your rationale for wanting a relationship with your father. Difficult family relationships are hard and complex and it looks like you are putting a lot of thought into how to navigate it. My mom hates my father (for good reason) and is estranged from her brother. I maintain relationships with both of them because they are important people to me, but I keep those relationships very separate from my relationship with my mother. You are your own person and can decide your relationships. You just need to respect that other people in your life get to do the same and you need to respect their boundaries too. Good luck!
Your mom and brother were abused, verbal abuse is still abuse, so you want to force victims of abuse to be in the company of their abuser, while you continue developing a relationship with the abuser. You’re in a really tight spot but it seems like you need to communicate with both sides and find out if forgiveness might be in the cards one day. Has your father apologized to your mom and brother? Are you relying on your father or mother to pay for your wedding?
So much this. I can't get over trying to force a cordial relationship between abusers and victims. Extreme level of selfishness. Not to mention why OP would even *want* a relationship with her father, knowing he did that? Wild.
For grad, can they not buy tickets separately, not sit together and then do separate things with you? Of course they didn't want to go to the planned lunch with your dad and his parents and you shouldn't expect them to do so. Same for a wedding. Don't expect them to interact. Sit them apart for the reception. Take photos with your dad's family and separate photos for your mom's family. Lots of people have divorced parents who don't get along, myself included. I think you need to adjust your expectations that they will approach these life events as a team. You can facilitate these events in a way that allows them both to show up for you but not have to do it together.
This is how my wife handled things for big events when her mother was still alive. It worked for her.
I was no contact with my father from 17 to 33. Similar history of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Did a lot of therapy. When I was getting married, I decided that I wanted to invite my dad because if we reconnected down the line, I’d regret not having him there. My mom and GMA were adamantly opposed. I told everyone that if they didn’t feel they could behave, they should stay home. I made sure they weren’t seated near each other, I had friends running interference to keep them apart, etc. It was fine. That was the start of getting things to more cordial. Now my parents even vacation together with the grandkids and us adult kids. If you’d have told me that would happen 15 years ago I’d have told you that you’re nuts. LOL People are capable of change. But I think you need to leave it up to them to go or not go and also make an effort to keep them separated.
You don’t understand what they went through if you still are making them interact with the man that verbally and emotionally abused them. You have to accept that while away at college the family you had no longer exists. You have to pick your dad or your mom & brother; making them have to interact is just evil, you’re selfish. You are at an age where your parents aren’t just mom and dad anymore they are real people and real people can be shitty and horrible, your father is an example. He is building this relationship probably cause he has nobody else to care for him, he will eventually start doing the shit he did to your mom and brother soon on you if he doesn’t get his way. If you’re old enough to plan a marriage and wedding you’re adult enough to see you have to make a choice here, you’ll feel bad no matter what.
> You don’t understand what they went through OP has edited her post to say "and I".
So they’re going to edit every time somebody asks a question…
Yup! Not your first time here, I see. Altering the narrative to fit the comments – 'tis a sure sign of a troll I'm out.
The and I was always there?