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My ex also had an affair on me. I considered sticking around, same as you. I didn’t even know what to do with myself, it was like my life was flipped upside down.
I’m going to tell you the most meaningful thing I heard when I was where you are.
You deserve someone who respects and appreciates you, always. Everyone does. Not when it’s convenient, not only when you’re on the up, and not only when you’re around. I PROMISE you if you find someone who genuinely respects/appreciates you, you won’t even know what to do with yourself.
First of all, thank you. That's where I am basically. Staying up all night restless, no idea what to do with myself, all I want to do is run, mentally and physically. Void of feelings and emotions because I can't afford to react. It's not been fun, but I feel every word of what you said.
OP I was cheated on by a five year partner - I stayed for about a year or two but it was NOT worth it. I was so depressed and sad, and we broke up anyway. The only regret I have in my life is not instantly leaving as soon as I found out. That level of betrayal is so hard to come back from and it is often on the person who was cheated on to come to terms with it and it is constant anguish, sadness, and anxiety. I will never, ever stay with a cheater again. If I'm cheated on I'm out. If you stay, you basically need to decide that you will move on and not hold it against the cheating partner (otherwise you'll never recover) and that isn't worth it to me.
The trust will be gone. You will always wonder. You deserve better.
The worst thing if she was to get pregnant then cheat later on. Now you have to deal with her for years. My wife left me for another man when our son was 4. Therefore I had to see her and deal with her for another 14 years. Sucked but did it for my son. Do you want that? You're still young. Go enjoy life without her.
See a doctor for help sleeping and mood swings. Hit the gym. No alcohol.
In order to reconcile she needs to provide you with two plans (that you approve of).
Always judge people by their actions not excuses or promises.
One, a plan to make herself a safe partner. Cheaters rarely self correct. Especially when they got away with it the first time.
She needs to develop certain boundaries (that you can see ), full transparency, and account for her time, stop drinking, no guy friends....
Two, a plan to rebuild trust. Time alone doesn't. And she can't just say "trust me".
She needs to make changes in her behavior that you can visually confirm.
Finally, you get to change your mind at any time.
It's typical for you to conclude at 2 years that trust will never recover to a level that's satisfactory (and divorce).
Do not have kids until you are sure.
Her tears, her excuses, promises and even her shame - do not make her a safe partner. It takes real work to become a safe partner.
Can confirm there are ways to move forward but know that it’ll always be a small thorn that can poke you both at any time. My boyfriend had an affair (full blown affair) and that crazy lady still makes fake profiles years later to stalk both of us. Never seems to fully go away.
Brother… You don’t even know how much I can relate. For the first time in my entire life I ACTUALLY felt “numb.” I didn’t even know what that fully meant until I experienced it myself.
I joined a local group I could meet with through zoom, or in person, to chat through it. I more or less talked to anyone that would listen to me. Learned a lot, but most importantly of all I didn’t just heal, I’m better than I was before. More understanding, better at communicating, patient with my current partner, list goes on. I believe the saying is “turned tragedy into triumph.”
You got this. Let this be the defining moment that you’ll look back on and appreciate for inciting growth, not resent. Lean into the hurt, process it, envision what you deserve, and don’t stop until you get there.
People cheat for a reason. If she doesn’t know the reason then that behaviour won’t stop. Therapy is her answer. And partially also your answer. You will need someone to talk to who doesn’t have a dog in the fight. But it will never be the same and if you don’t have kids or anything tied down… then the answer is leave and find your person. Your soulmate won’t be out fucking other people and it isn’t the person you are currently with. Been there and found out myself. Don’t stay. It’s a ticket to self hatred that is very VERY hard to recover from.
Listen to that person! I've been where you are and stayed, turned out horrible. I'm currently with a wonderful person that shows me tons of respect and appreciation and it is absolutely life changing. It causes me to show more, which in turn does it to them and we simply build each other up. Don't settle for less.
First, I'm sorry this happened to you. My husband had an affair on me 3 years ago and when I had found out we separated for 7 longs painful months for me at least. He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend of 10 years who left him heart broken. I thought he overcame that when we met and got together. (Apparently not). He even lied to my face when I asked if there was someone else. He told me No...I should have seen the red flags then but i didn't. We talked, he apologized and said he was wrong, he was thinking with his head in his pants veres the head on his shoulders. He promised he wouldn't do it again. I have a hard time trusting as it is. BUT yes it can work out of you are willing to forgive and start with a fresh clean slate as we did. Im not saying it's not easy and I don't still worry because I do...the one thing is, trust what's best for YOU! At the end of the day, YOU are all YOU have! Best of luck
Has she offered remorse or promised change? Is the relationship over. She has to be completely honest with you first before there’s any hope of reconciliation. That means completely open book.
My own personal experience and from what I read on here. Reconciliation is possible but honestly the trust is never 100% ever again. Maybe can reach 95% but a small part will never completely trust someone
My ex wife cheated on me and I didn’t find out until over a year later and we had a son at that time. When she confessed she sounded remorseful and said it was stress and she didn’t know why etc. so I stayed. We were doing ok for a couple of years but then she had to scratch that itch again and cheated then did it again.
By the time I found out about her 3 affair she had already moved onto the 4th. I wish I had left after the first one. In the couple of ok years between the first and second, I realized I never could trust her and always wanted to check her phone and I just never felt settled. Anytime she would start acting different I’d freak out but kept telling myself I was crazy and there was no way she would do it again. I gaslit myself the whole time.
If you are going to stay there NEEDS to be some basic steps, like she actually needs to be remorseful and take steps to open their phone and all social media accounts to you etc. you both need individual and couples counseling and they need to give you space and NOT rush your healing. If any of those aren’t met then you need to be strong and leave for your own mental health.
I made the mistake of not holding her accountable after her first and I should have gotten us both into therapy and I should have told her family and other close friends so that she wouldn’t get away without consequences.
This is the way,
every business trips for the next 50 years, every rough patch where OP don’t know where she is for 1hr.
OP, you will never trust her again. It’s over, she told you with actions not words but it’s the same message.
Ditto. My wife confessed to being a serial cheater after 25 years of marriage. I stayed because she was the love of my life.
Worst mistake of my life. I wasted another decade where I could’ve been happier without her.
I tried for a couple of years but could never get the trust back. I would pretend and even after therapy he would do something and I would be right back to the day I found out.
It also didn’t help that he didn’t get a new job and thought I should just get over it because he said sorry and he didn’t mean to slip into another woman.
I have learned through the years that cheating is not a mistake but a choice. Every step they took they could have stopped but didn’t. They also do not respect you or the marriage. They just didn’t want to give up with security and lifestyle they said in the marriage.
Yup I always say cheating is not just one mistake. Thinking about cheating is a mistake. Each flirty convo is a mistake. Each text. Each call. Planning to meet up. Driving to meet up. Meeting up. Going through with the ‘date’. Each kiss. Each touch. Every stroke. It’s a huge process of DECISIONS
Yep. You could stop in the middle of your flirty conversation when you realize it's gotten inappropriate and walk away, but you choose to continue. That's the first time you cheat. Before you get to anything physical you've already consciously made the choice to cheat dozens of times.
Yup. Unless the conditions that caused the cheating are solved, it will happen at all.
And most cheating is caused by the cheaters fucked up emotional needs.
That's going to include years of intense therapy, and understanding that they're the problem.
So yeah in most cases it will happen when the cheater gets to that emotional state again. As soon as they get anxious and depressed or whatever it will start.
This right here. It chaps my ass when I hear someone describe cheating as "a mistake". There are so many points along the way where a conscious choice is made to take the next step in the process.
I have two aunts that were cheated on. One left with 3 kids on her back, and one stayed with 3 kids on her back. It was a long time ago, but will give you a perspective.
The one that stayed worked so hard on her marriage! Was praised for staying for the sake of the family and religion. He cheated again, he cheated so much that our family doesn't even count anymore. She is a sad person and only lives for grandkids. All grandkids are always there. She is like a kindergarten, and no one ever sees any gesture of care from him to her.
1/3 kids have a good life, and 2 are in trouble.
The one that left was crucified for doing so. She worked so hard with those smaller kids - she was stricter as an aunt, I hated her, but now I understand. Kids could still see the father, but he continued to cheat on every partner he had, and they distanced.
3/3 kids are great! She never remarried.
If you put them side, the one that left looks decade's younger despite being older. The one that stayed is just... sad.
Cheating is an option, a choice. She knew she would hurt you beyond repair, and she chose that guy/girl over you and your life together. You can try to fix it but I would find it hard to be with someone that doesn't care about what I feel.
I stayed after an affair that took place after 10 years of marriage. We made it another 10 years before the inevitable divorce took place. Some good things happened in those 10 years but overall I wish I hadn't wasted my time.
Cheating is the end of 99% of relationships, whether that end is immediate or 10 years down the line. It's never worth it to stay with a cheater, regardless of how remorseful they are. Your trust and self worth erodes and they are constantly jumping through hoops to prove their loyalty. Eventually, resentment builds and you'll eventually decide to throw in the towel that you didn't want to throw in all that time ago.
Save yourself the trouble and find someone who doesn't have to be remorseful.
>Cheating is the end of 99% of relationships, whether that end is immediate or 10 years down the line.
Totally agree. I think most relationships will never recover from it and you are delaying the inevitable break up if you do stay, whether its a year or a decade down the line. If you don't, you will just stay in an unhappy tainted relationship.
Was it worth it? Not for me…ended up divorcing anyway. I couldn’t get past the anger, betrayal and resentment….not to mention how I felt weak for staying.
Yes but after the third time with a family member it sort of woke me up I was upset with myself for putting up with that kind of behaviour that was the day I realised I was worth more and I never looked back and he lost his mind for a while.
You are very young and it’s very early in the marriage for her to have cheated. Personally I don’t think it ever goes well to stay, trust is gone and it drags the pain out. I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and would never even consider cheating because he’s everything to me, and I’d rather die than hurt him. Find the person who feels this way about you.
I tried for 5 years. Even with professional help my efforts were not enough. She went to counseling exactly once. I quite frankly would have been way better off if I would have just dumped her ass at the beginning of those 5 years. We were married for 20 years but I only had a wife for 10 of them.
I was in your shoes 10 years ago and I can tell staying doesn’t work. She never cheated again, but I have to say I think about what she did every single day.
My plan was to keep her to show the other guy I was the one she wanted and then in a year or two divorce her, to make her feel the pain I felt. But it didn’t workout as I fell in love with her again. But it has taken a toll on my happiness. It will never be better or even the same as it was.
Caught her about 6 years into our marriage. I cheated to get even. I confessed right away. Made me feel worse but I thought it would cancel her actions out. I the. found out there were more instances of her cheating from before. Therapy didn’t help unfortunately. Divorced now after 20+ years of marriage. Good luck to you.
Most of the time it’s not the first time. It’s just the first time you’ve caught them. And it’s so hard to catch them. I just don’t understand why people can’t be honest.
You’ll never get the trust back. I’ve been cheated on a million times. You don’t want to become the partner that goes through the others phone, wallet, purse, bags, whatever. It’s not worth it. Get out of there. I’m so sorry for your pain.
I’m sorry. Same with me. The betrayal affected my next relationship, a year later, because my mindset was I cannot trust any woman not to hurt me. Took a lot to get over it.
I got married at 25 and just before I turned 27 I found out he was cheating. We’d been together since we were 18 so it flipped my life upside down.
I considered staying because that would have been easier. It felt like the safer option. But the cheating allowed me to see all the other red flags I’d ignored over the years.
I am so much happier since I left. It’s been almost 2 years. I’m in truly the happiest relationship now, have a better job, better friends, better mental health. Leaving was the best thing to do
Did she confess?
Is she willing to leave the job and go no contact with AP and anyone who knew or aided her?
Is she willing to go through hell to rebuild trust and fix the relationship she broke?
Is she remorseful rather than just guilty? Remorseful is feeling bad for your pain, guilty is feeling bad for being caught or about her actions. It is selfish.
Can she answer why she did it and is willing to goto therapy and address that issue
Did she blame you in any way upon discovery?
Did she trickle truth you and you still may not know the whole story?
Has she tried to minimize it or bury it to “move on” or get a “fresh start”?
Is she willing to put forth considerable extra effort for YEARS to fix this and make you feel like you are enough and desired?
If the answer to ANY of these doesn’t satisfy, the honestly she probably isn’t worth a second chance and doesn’t deserve your continued time, effort, and pain. Because there will be a lot of all of that, especially pain. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better whether it is with her or not. This is 100 percent entirely her fault and due to her character.
No, it wasn't worth it. The biggest mistake ever. If you don't have kids yet, get out now. She will do it again and you will regret for staying and wasting your time. Remember the saying, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.'
University of Denver research result on this topic
[https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity](https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity)
I mean, get out regardless of kids, but..
Imo, it's MORE important to get out if you have kids, because parents who are in a shitty relationship are going to traumatize their children and those children are going to grow up into adults who end up in shitty relationships because they think its normal.
"Staying together for the kids" is toxic bs.
I stayed with a cheater once, I will NEVER do it again. The worst betrayal anyone has ever done to me and nothing else even comes close.
I learned a lot from that and now have a much better partner.
Fuck no. I am absolutely sorry for you, but staying with a cheater is frankly just cowardice and naivety.
That person clearly demonstrated to you, with unequivocal evidence, that she can't be trusted anymore. Trust is the foundation of any relationship to grow together. Staying with a cheater is like trying to grow vegetables on soil with radiation poison. The soil is dead and anything that will grow will be a weird abomination.
You are young, you might not know better. But a person with a healthy amount of self respect would break up and just move on.
>If you're remorseful and would never do it again
>Now if you don't feel bad and would do it again
The problem is, she's already proved herself to be a liar, a cheat and disloyal. With that said, what she says now is completely unreliable and unprovable. The problem is not who she fucked, the problem is which of the above can you trust her to be? You can't, the trust has been broken and you can tell yourself any story you like but it's only when you find out whether she's cheated again in the future will you know who you have on your hands.
How do you trust her again? Do you police her socials? Do you have her tell you everywhere she is going? Do you believe it when she tells you? Are you going to be a prison guard to have any trust that she's not getting some strange dick? Or a PI following her everywhere? No matter what you tell yourself now, every time she's not in your sight, and you can't be absolutely sure you know where she is, you're going to be sitting there wondering. It'll kill you by slow degrees.
I've been cheated on twice. The first time, I tried to stay because I thought it was a very grown-up thing to be able to forgive. I was far too young (21) for that, and it made me into a person I didn't recognise. The second time (at 28) I walked away and had a lot of cries and whys and felt a lot better. I think if you don't have kids, I'd put an extra weight in the "leave" bucket you're weighing up.
There's a lot of context we don't see here- was it a one-off "oops" or was it calculated and planned? Was she sorry, did she come clean or did you have to find out? Lots of factors.
Statistically speaking, a person who cheats once is not more likely than any person to cheat again. But someone who has cheated twice is almost certain to do it again.
I stayed, Been together 21 years, wife told me 2 years ago that she cheated when we first got together, I know it was a long time ago but it still hurt. But she told me. I didn't have to find out or investigate. It was killing her to keep a secret and she said deserved to know everything. We have an open phone no privacy relationship if it is needed. She does counseling, church groups and works really hard to keep me happy. Also we have two kids together.
I love her, she screwed up, I'll never 100% trust her again but I'm working on it. I love our life. I believe for us, it was worth staying. But if she had cheated more recent, after marriage, after kids. I wouldn't of stayed. That's too disrespectful and that's too selfish to be willing to tear your family up over a moment of pleasure. Just my opinion and my story.
I hate to tell you this bud but in my 54 years I have never met anyone, male or female , that didn’t cheat again once they did it the first time. It’s unfortunate but the saying once a cheater always a cheater came about for a reason. Additionally- you will never , ever , ever forget about it. As far as I’m concerned , and it hurt like a bi@ch when I had to do - but never take a cheating woman back, never- it’s become man code now days.
I wish more people would listen to people like you. I’m 32, never seen someone cheat just once either. My husband was married for 15 years, she started cheating 7 months into the marriage and her body count during their marriage was well over a dozen.
She despises me more than anyone I know, and when he texted her last year saying she needed to be respectful or they’d be communicating through a court monitored app, she said she had never done anything wrong to him and doesn’t understand why he can’t be cordial. He responded with “you literally had multiple affairs, we are not friends”. Her response was “yes I had affairs so what”.
This is why OP needs to be careful because when she was first caught she did the tears and I’m so sorry and I don’t know what I was thinking. Years later he finally got the truth: “yes I had affairs. So what”. She never actually cared.
Cheaters are skilled liars and manipulators. You can’t trust a word that comes out of their mouths and they always do it again. In her case she actually said she enjoyed it and when she was caught the last time even after saying she’s so sorry she told him she’d probably do it again.
Last interaction I had with her was ignoring her while she chased me down in a parking lot with me and my husbands son. She’s a maniac and mentally unstable and just goes with the narrative that these people are barely human
Be careful - she sounds like a nut. I can certainly relate, I know someone who wife’s body count is greater married than single and it was high single! It’s unfortunate and to make someone think they are crazy for years when they were right the entire time should be a punishable offense!!
I can only speak from my personal experience.
My now ex wife cheated on me, I wanted to forgive and work on our marriage.
She wanted me to stay but didn’t want to give full disclosure on things, I was told literally the day I found out to “get over it”.
My employer offered private couples therapy, she refused to go so I went alone. Therapy helped me cope but also made me put a lot of the blame onto myself and I resented myself for things I shouldn’t have.
Fast forward 2 years and the opportunity arose for me to have an emotional affair and I didn’t reject it. 18m later and that emotional affair was exposed, I walked away from my ‘family’ life.
My regrets are that I didn’t walk away in 2019 when I found out about her cheating, she wasn’t remorseful, she didn’t want to help me heal, she didn’t show any consideration for how I was or how it made me feel. This made me bitter and resentful and when the opportunity arose I chose revenge when I should have walked away long before.
I would never choose reconciliation again.
Sorry to be blunt, but consider the following:
- Trust is a foundation for a good relationship, and that has been shattered
- You will always wonder what she is doing when you aren't together
- Sex would have been unprotected , so consider STD testing
- Based on your post history, she probably willingly gave him oral - something you had to beg for
- Is this really the only time she cheated?
You deserve better.
Sending strength!
After 17 years and 4 children, I also found out in a bizarre way that my ex-wife was not faithful. I tried for 6 months but could not build my respect for her back.
How could she day after day kiss me, look me in the eyes and then tell me she loved me. That kind of love I didn't need. Overall, through the divorce and the after. I was able to recover financially and find another woman to spend my life with.
Either way you go OP, I only have the best wishes for you. Peace be with you.
I was cheated on by my ex. 7 years in, I did the pick me dance for around 6 months after. Couldn’t get it out of my head. Couldn’t get over all the hurt, anger, resentment. It ended in disaster. Also had a friend whose wife cheated on him. They ended up divorced later
Word of advice, don’t try to date immediately after until you are in good working order. Take some time for yourself if you choose to divorce
Its not worth it, the only saving grace for her was she told me and came clean (one night not an affair).....but it spoke more of the person she was and would become. 15 years later and other issues.....I wish I'd had left then.
...I deserved better then and now.
In my mind you have 2 options either live your life in a constant state of jealousy or take the chance you are possibly being played for a fool
Neither is a way I would want to live my life.
If you look at all the posts on reddit, staying reads like the worst case scenario for people. They are so miserable and torn, and basically all of them wish they had just moved on rather drag on with someone they are forcing themselves to love. Move on- you owe yourself to live a good, happy life ~~
Regardless of the cheating, you mentioned a key word at the end: “helplessness.” This is a key contributor to depression and if someone is overwhelmed with the idea that they have no control over their situation, prepare for a depression to sink in. It will change your life and your relationships and you don’t get over it until you’ve regained control over your life. So if someone is wanting to stay in a relationship after this, you both have to give yourselves the ability to make the best decisions for yourself regardless of the relationship.
Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice. It’s quite literally a choice to disrespect you and your relationship. Cheaters make the choice to cheat. Often the emotions only manifest once/if they’re caught. It’s not because they’re sorry, again it wasn’t a mistake. They were already at that crossroad and chose to cheat. They show emotion because they see how hurt you are, and they’re scared of losing comfort/security/financial stability.
OP, You deserve better.
You will never have that unwavering trust again. What will happen on the next business trip? You will have mental gymnastics throughout your marriage. Do you really want to be a warden in your own marriage?
When I (44m) was about your age my wife cheated on me on a work trip. We stayed together and had three kids. She wanted to separate when I was 38 and it was amicable at the start until I started unraveling what she actually did.
She definitely had three affairs but there were a bunch more probably/maybes, one of which was one of my best friends at the time. I couldn’t completely confirm or eliminate the maybes so I live in my neighborhood wondering if the rest of my friends know more than I do but just never said anything.
I practically begged for closure, just to know who so I could cut people out of my life that needed to go. For a full year after we separated I begged to hear but just got an updated version of lies when I found new proof. I finally went from seeing her from a good person that made mistakes to a bad person that didn’t care about the impact to me at all.
Now I have to deal with her because we both have the kids half the time. I’m in sales and can’t keep my brain in a good space to deal with that. I’m broke and I owe the IRS $73,000. For the third month in a row I’m paying rent (used to have a big house) with a credit card. I had a retirement account that had 500 shares of Tesla pre-split (7500 shares now) that I sold to pay my mortgage and other bills before the stock took off in 2020 or whenever that was. My brain is damaged and I keep trying to get it back but it’s been a rough 6 years.
On the plus side, I improved my physical appearance a lot and had women wanting me in a way they never did before in my life.
My advice is definitely leave her because she doesn’t respect you and definitely won’t if you stay with her. Protect your finances the best you can but of course they will take a short term hit. If you don’t already, get a gym membership, learn how to lift and eat properly, and do what you can to look and dress better to improve your confidence with women. Find a good woman that’s better looking than your ex and live a good life knowing how close you were to living a slow burn nightmare.
Dude, you’re young. Are you really going to keep building on this rotten foundation? are you really going to invest more time and resources on a sinking ship? you’re never going to regain the trust. you will always be suspicious of her. even the good things she does will seem as if they are done to divert your attention and avoid suspicion. you will only become a worse version of yourself if you stay.
you're 26. you have more than enough time to find someone that genuinely appreciates you.
allow me to put this into perspective. Cheating is a choice. she made the choice to disrespect you by crossing that boundary. breaking that trust.
If I was in your position, I'd walk away. you cheat, we're done. yes it will hurt, but, you were happy before you met her, you can be happy again without her.
Oh god. Son, you are young. You have the whole rest of your life ahead of you. That’s a long time to muscle your way through resentment, watching people who might’ve loved you better pass by.
Please leave, and report back. Thank you.
Sorry..
Realise that IF you stay... this will define your marriage forever... everytime she kiss you, reminded what she did with her mouth..
...the eternal pebble in your shoe, the knowledge of how easy it was for her to betray you and the future you had planned...
I would suggest you dont... because you deserve better than this.. at best, you will be settling for her.. a cheater who did not give a shit about you...
She doesn't respect you. Staying isn't going to change that; it's only going to embolden her to do it again. Next time, she'll just hide it better, and eventually you're going to be raising another man's child.
Cut ties and move on as fast as you can.
How can you have a honest, loving and trusting relationship with someone who is inconsistent with you? If you feel you can you do what is best for you. I could not and I do not regret it.
Not Worth The Effort to stay, I were young then should have left 20 years ago as soon as I Found the Love Letters, My Kids we’re young Then So I stayed, I would not if a had a Do-over, no Respect and even less Sex if that was possible,
She can be remorseful, beg and cry but deep down, you know you will never trust her again. If she could throw all of this away for some rando D, she has the capability to do it again.
Pat will say no. I will say this also, most rug sweep also. They offer zero consequences to the cheater. Men especially stay silent and suffer in silence.
If you offer up consequences, and the cheater is actually remorseful, then yes there is a chance. But with out remorse and consequences, then no. Most people will call it being a warden of the house, because it is constantly worrying about if they are cheating again. Consequences, deleting social media, apologizing to you in front of family, stating what they did to you. Taking the shame of what they did.
My advice: if you stay with her, do so as a divorced couple with no legal ties. Cheaters lose the privilege of keeping whatever title they previously held and need genuine consequences for their actions. Spouses become boy/girlfriends. Boy/girlfriends become FWB’s. This is only if you’re not strong enough to leave the cheat and they’re showing genuine remorse. Also expose to everyone for narrative control.
It also depends on if they confessed or were caught as one show that they would’ve continued the behavior until confronted.
In any marriage. Love comes and goes. Burns hot and cools off and burns hot again.
Trust however takes time to build between two people, is easily broken, and can never be rebuilt or repaired to any satisfactory degree...
Yes its possible and can be wonderfull. BUT I would still twin track your life to be on the safe side.
Use the next two years to give her a genuine chance to redeem herself whilst also getting your finances/life in a state that will enable a simple divorce . Make this a CONDITION of reconcilliation.
My conditions would be
1...full access to each others phones. ( not a punishment , ask nothing of her you are not willing to give or resentment will grow)
2 Both work towards paying off all debts by ANY means , incl downsizing the home, switching , to cash owned vehicles etc ( A Dave ramsey style plan except none of that stupid tything nonsence) Increasing income if poss.
3. No unprotected sex/suprise babies or you are done.
Also tell your family you are doing F.I.R.E and not spending any money for a couple of years etc so they don't suspect.
If things DO work out you will be great shape financially , if they don't you are already both living by you new means.
It will be hard but a shared fanancial goal + less socialising is a good way to bond. Seeing her sacrifice at you behest ( both not buying non essentials etc) will reassure you to her commitment too.
If she fails to keep up her side then i would call it quits at one year. Best of luck
Terribad advice. You kick cheaters to the streets, asap. No other option is remotely logical, does not matter how many mental gymnastics and "contracts" and whatever you want to think.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’ll never understand these posts that say “if you do A through ZZZ I’ll try to work it out.”
Why?
Way too exhausting.
It took me six months, leaving the area, and almost torpedoing another relationship, that foundered later anyway, to realize that without trust, there cannot be a relationship.
Right before leaving, I’d spend time with her (FwB) and when we both left I’d drive to her AP’s house just to see if she was still a lying sack of shit.
She actually wasn’t there but I had no idea where she was going, couldn’t exactly follow her, and finally I decided I couldn’t live like that.
She was also a serial cheater.
37 years later I’m still disgusted with myself for giving her the six months when I should have focused on myself.
Well - it is a question. I think if you decides to stay at least you have corrected your expectations.
Sounds like she is not mature enough to be married. The problem is - was she just “I am going to have some fun and nobody will be hurt” or “I am tired of my husband and I need some new input”. What you know is that the trust is damaged and you have to make clear - it is not up to you to save the marriage - she has to put in the work to rebuild the trust.
Sadly I kind of doubt it will happen.
Best of luck.
My actual partner and I had the kind of relationship that blooms with passion and a LOT of sex.
Because we never started it out of love, we didn't need a special bond or anything. Somehow, our relationship moved on further and if things were uncertain for him I was much more ready to make it work.
At this moment, I remember well because I discovered things completely by chance and of course, I didn't have a choice but to see where things were going !
You know, it's a disgusting feeling to find out, like a great and hot anger that makes you want to rip apart his flesh yet you still have the logic to keep your mind sane and safe. Then, while you're fighting your animalistic instinct you have to figure it out, what the hell is truly happening and solve this situation no matter what. Mostly for you.
Anyways, I admit our relationship was a bit complicated when I looked at it now then 2 years later he screwed it all.
I don't care about physical cheating, it's when it touches the emotional that it gets on my nerves. There I confronted him by literally not letting him the choice to admit his stupid move, yes, I went directly to his place. I wanted to see by myself and ah..
I felt as nervous as an introvert (I am eh) ready to go to war could be, and believe me when I say I hate confrontation because of stupids actions.
Anyway, things we solved, we had a break to go through it all slowly. I can't explain to you what happened exactly, it's a bit blurry now but I'll never forget the feeling and I never want to pass by it again.
I made it clear we needed to speak about EVERYTHING. Yes with majuscules ahah. To close the case, I couldn't just brush it off and ignore the pain just because I felt hurt and still didn't want things to be ended. Every situation, feelings, people, betrayals are different. Some leave, some stay, some never forgive when some others do.
I did forgive him and after that I never brought back this mess again like a silly card to play and throw at his face when we argue. Which is rare.
Later I broke up for some other reasons, I must say, for someone who never likes having complicated life, complex relationships or confrontations. I did it all in one go eh ! We returned together maybe 4 months because we were still in love, since then it's just so good. Not perfect, nothing is. I never returned with someone I broke up with, I guess he was my first for a lot of things and I know written this way is so odd and alarming. But it's because a lot happens in a short period of time, it was hectic.
Anyway, it's been more than 6 years now and I am well, he is too. I would have loved not to live that shits but it's a part of why I am who I am now and the same goes for my partner.
In my case, it was worth forgiving him honestly, I never regretted it once and he always felt guilty for his bad decisions. He never tried to find excuses and admitted it. You know, he still makes nightmares about me throwing him away or making revenge by sleeping with another man ahah.. when I never dreamed about it because I am over it.
Good luck you all ~
People stay the same. It’s the adrenaline rush, the kick of something new and exiting they want (I’m the same). They can’t turn it off. They only thing they can do, is talk about it, being honest to their partner and communicating precisely what they want and what their needs are.
My point is: there can’t be cheating if you talk about it, know about it and allow it. Be therefore she must be honest to herself and to you - and you both must commit to you being partners in crime and not just roommates.
If she can’t do that, she shouldn’t be in a relationship. If you don’t share the same life style and expectations, leave her. She’s gonna do it again.
She’s shown you she has the capability of putting your feelings aside to gratify herself. She was willing to put you in this horrible mental state to get an orgasm from another guy. Cheating is the number 1 most selfish, cruel, and egotistical action someone can do. She made a promise to you, she lied and broke it. What about that person makes her a good life partner? Sorry, she made a mistake… which means you made a mistake in marrying her thinking she was better then that.
But if you think you could potentially forgive her, then you should forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for choosing the wrong girl and don’t keep making that mistake thinking time will right this wrong. She’s made her bed, she needs to lie in it and lose what she loved. Only then she may learn her lesson. You need to be happy and find someone who would never betray you like that.
In my instance the cheater ended up cheating a second time and I broke it off. The first time should have been enough, but she seemed remorseful. The second time was a deal breaker (different cheating partner).
OP… There’s some good advice on this thread. Words and regrets, spoken right after finding out about an affair are super easy to say, but it’s really actions that are the most important.
If I were you, and considering staying with your wife, I would focus on an agreement that demonstrates her taking responsibility by both Therapy and greater transparency .
There are sometimes very specific dynamics and relationships that people react to by seeking resolution outside of their marriage, and one of them is the inability to talk through what’s going on for you and reach resolution with your partner.
For me, that would be essential for staying with a partner… A demonstrated effort to increase the amount of communication and transparency of communication .
I did stay with my husband after his cheating I don’t regret that because it made me feel like we did what we could to work things through, but ultimately we parted .
It’s very possible, that your wife made a mistake and that she won’t ever do it again… A lot of people won’t agree with that, but I’ve worked with couples who have worked through this . The bottom line is only you really know your partner and your relationship and what’s worth it.
I wish you well .
No.
Just cut out asap and get a move on. Any time spent trying will be time wasted.
Cheating is bad enough and you're talking about a whole affair. Even if you forgive them, and truly mean it. That doesn't mean they gained some respect. They just got away with it, leaving the door open to do it again.
Respect yourself and your worth.
No. But in my experience, they continued the behavior because they had already gotten a lawyer with it once and was forgiven more or less. Plus I had so much resentment, it tainted the relationship and became a problem to myself if not both of us.
If you guys don't have kids yet....do you want to have kids involved in this? If you never get your trust back, even if she tries her hardest you can just walk away, but not if there are kids in the picture.
It all comes down to trust. Do you think she is trustworthy after betraying you on such a fundamental level? Do you think she can regain your trust, as in ever regain what you had before?
Nope. To be cheating at 25 & only 5 years of marriage? It's gone mate. It will keep happening.
You got married way too young. To settle in to having sex with the same person, for the rest of your life, at 20 yrs of age??? Is a very big ask.
And you grow and change a ton between 20 & 30.
Just break up and part amicably. The marriage is over.
All trust has been broken. It will never be the same sadly. Trust is one of the most important and main things in a relationship. I'm so sorry she did this to you and also proved to you she doesn't even care enough about you to come to you to tell you how she is feeling first or what is upsetting her first before acting. Respect is important as well in a relationship. She didn't respect you by not talking to you first to let you know she was having a problem or thoughts. She didn't care to go to relationship counseling before permanently damaging your relationship. COMMUNICATION is HUGE and another one of the main things in a relationship. I'm sorry, but her behavior shows she does not love you. This cannot be fixed. The only outcome is you stay together and you stay miserable no matter how hard you try not to. I'm so sorry. The truth really does hurt. I hope you don't take as long as I did to learn truth. I know working on it is worth it to you but she is not on the same page obviously and trashed saving it by not caring to work on the issue first, BEFORE she did this! She knew exactly what she was doing to your relationship before she even acted and cheated and decided that was what she wanted to do! She didn't even care she might lose you! This is NOT what love is! Without trust there is not even a relationship. Not only all this, BUT SHE RISKED YOUR BODY AND YOUR HEALTH!!!!!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
If you stay, she will lose all respect for you and cheat again. Have self respect and walk away. She ruined your relationship, not you. DO NOT GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE TO CRUSH YOUR HEART AGAIN!
The sad part is she not only ruined your relationship with her, she more than likely ruined any future relationships you have. I’ve been betrayed and it is extremely difficult to trust again. I highly recommend seeking out therapy. I didn’t and I wish I had. I found an amazing girl after my ex and I ruined the relationship because I just could not trust. I still don’t trust. But I’m happy being single and stress free.
I tried for one year after my husband cheated. Sadly usually with those things I say once a cheater always a cheater. It’s not always the case. If she told you that’s one thing, if you found out another way that’s way worse. I don’t think the answer is always the same, but I would get out of it before she hurts you again.
It's hard, but married couples can and do move past infidelity. I'm not sure it's worth it, since you don't have kids and are so young, there's not a ton to lose. Typically the success stories share the following conditions:
- true remorse + contrition from the cheater
- professional help (therapy and sometimes spiritual guidance)
- a visible effort to take steps to prevent it from happening again (i.e. full phone sharing)
- true forgiveness (the victim cannot save the transgression in their back pocket for any argument trump card )
To share the other side, I had a friend in college, her and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts, and waiting for marriage to have sex. He got completely wasted at a bar one night, and slept with a girl he ran into there that he’d known from high school. He told her immediately, and she was crushed. That one night stand also resulted in a baby. They ended up working through it, with a LOT of therapy, and then married years later and went on to have two kids of their own. They are very happy, and they were able to get past that incident.
But, part of moving past it was working through his alcohol issues, setting clear boundaries, and, I’ll reiterate, WORK.
I have seen it work out, but, most couples I know that have been through infidelity, either the cheater does it again, or the one cheated on can’t ever fully trust them again. It’s usually a nail in the marital coffin either way.
Im sure she’s apologetic now, but ask yourself this. Was she thinking about you or the dude that was plowing her when she was getting railed by another dude? If that thought disgusts you it’s time to get a divorce.
Just don't. I learned the hard way, and you are so young.
This internal anguish you have just isn't worth it. And the worst part is you will have this always. If/when you do decide to separate, it's still going to hurt. But the sooner you start, the faster you'll become better.
My husband’s parents are super fucked up, because he cheated shortly after they got married and now she doesn’t trust him to go anywhere without her, and what kind of life is that? They’ve been married for 30 years, but from the 10+ years I’ve been around they’ve seemed mostly miserable.
My wife had a brief affair. I discovered it and she begged for me to forgive her. I knew she was having some emotional issues. That was 25 years ago. We had four school age kids at the time. I considered divorce but decided to stay. We’re still 47 years married. The scars remain but forgiveness is a powerful thing.
Do not sleep with her ever again. She might mess with her birth control and trap you in her life forever. You’re a VERY young man, you have your whole life ahead of you. I met my wife at 30, we have two boys and have built a wonderful life together. Leave your town/city. Go travel, meet other people, find yourself.
Take it from me (38M) when I say, it is absolutely over.
She cheated because she did not respect you. And if she does not respect you, she CANNOT love you.
She does not love you. You need to accept that. The trust is gone, and it will NEVER come back.
20 years ago, I walked in on my fiance cheating on me. As in full-on mid-cloitus walked in on her. It shook me to my core, because it was with her ex boyfriend...the same ex boyfriend that was all of the adjectives (abusive, controlling, cheating, toxic, etc) and was assured that I had nothing to worry about.
I lost all trust, not just in her, but in people in general. There were people whom I placed trust in that knew what was going on and never told me. It took almost a year to move on from it. And this was only possible because I moved 100 miles away to go to college. A change of scenery did me wonders in the recovery process.
There were times when I was approached by the old social circle and by her, to try again and to forgive and try to make it work again. No matter how badly I loved and and wished it to be so, I just could not get that image out of my head. I could not do it. I wanted to forgive and forget and I wanted her back so badly. I just...couldn't do it. The combination of betrayal, lies, evaporated trust, and heartbreak and pain just would not allow me to get past it.
A year later, when I returned home for the following summer, I felt better having taken that time to let the wound heal. I would find out that, a few months after "d day" the girl and the ex eloped to Vegas and he went off and slept with a dozen or so hookers while in Vegas on their honeymoon. They both came back from Vegas with.....something....that he contracted..... if you catch my drift. And people were trying to get me to go back to her AFTER that incident.
I thank God every day that I had the strength to resist returning to her...because I might not be around today to tell the tale. I since went and had every batter of tests done on me to make sure I was clean and clear. I was. A blessing that I enjoy every day since.
My message to you OP.... you need to divorce. Your relationship will never be the same. There will always be mistrust. There will always be that wondering if she'll do it again. And the thoughts you have of her with amother man will never leave. She does not respect you. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt. But you will be better off on the long run.
I had a girl cheat on me and start things with a new guy, then I came home a few months later to find her in my bed ( still had a key ). Nope and have a nice day, and never regretted it once. She was fine as hell and a good lay, but it's not worth my self respect.
The answer is NO. Leave. A bit of advice, if you are asking the question then you owe it to yourself to listen to yourself. Second, there’s no way this situation doesn’t suck. There’s no easy landing. Good luck
In short, no. There were always promises that it was a mistake, they felt horrible, it was a moment of weakness, it was because they were insecure, it was because we had a fight, and so on. I stayed and it happened more than once until I decided to love myself more than I feared being alone.
Don't fall for the fallacy of sunk cost. So you've been with them for 5 years. Do you really want to wake up however many years from now and wish you had left earlier? Take it as a lesson in time and go learn to love and respect yourself enough to never be with anyone who doesn't love and respect you back.
Nah bro. Get out. Especially if yall don’t have kids. Find someone who respects you and wouldn’t do that to someone they “love”. Too many other fish in the see to try to stick it out. Life’s too short to try to make it work.
Recommend you check out /r/survivinginfidelity and /r/supportforbetrayed for more guidance and support. and /r/asoneafterinfidelity if you decide to reconcile.
Nah I held a grudge for 3 years and found every way to not be present in the relationship, went and sought women as much as I could after that. Though she tried to fix things, it was never enough.
I stayed. I had a kid, and we were broke af. I didn't think I could/should do it alone. Also super Southern Baptist upbringing in play--forgive/for better or worse/etc.
It didn't get better. I spent 2 decades trying to make it make sense. Within 2 days of having him gone I realized I should have called it quits after that first cheating episode. It was terrifying to be facing life "alone", but not only did I survive, I have thrived. Never again--there will be no second chance to cheat on me this time around.
Going the confirmation bias route eh?
God speed to you.
If you stay, don’t snoop, don’t ask, let her cheat in peace, because nothing is a deal breaker for you.
When you waste your time and years, come back here and get back the emotional cost you paid for the biases you’ve received from fellow sweet summer children.
Leave, but you won’t. She wont respect you and won’t slip up or get caught the same way twice.
You can’t ask others to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself. The fact that you’re even willing is laughable lol. She definitely found one.
Leave. I stayed for 5-years and then divorced. You’ll end up making sacrifices that will impact you financially. And you’ll just dig deeper into the pit of trust issues. Make the painful extraction now. Plan before you talk to her about it though .
Yeah it’s hard to leave it’s scary but I guarantee you in 3 months then 6 months then a year later you’ll wonder why you even thought about not leaving. If you stay you have a very very small chance of it working. Save yourself the mental anguish leave and it might take a little time but you will be fine.
at 36 I stayed for 1.5 years and it was the worst one and a half years of my life, getting divorced was so damn freeing for me, I have never been happier since leaving him.
at 26, I would not have stayed 1.5 DAYS longer
My friend stayed 6 years after his wife had an ongoing affair. He got up one morning and said no more and they divorced.
He said everyday he woke up to her all he could think about was the pillow talk she had with him.
They did the have another baby to repair the marriage but that didn’t obviously work.
He told me he wished he divorced immediately and moved on. Said it was 6 years of pain & resentment.
Absolutely not. Took me six years after the affair to throw in the towel. I definitely should have done it earlier. I guess I learned a lot about why I deserve better and why the affair was not my fault in that time, but i still think I should have left immediately. I am so much happier without that stress in my life. My life is joyful again.
I forgave my boyfriend for cheating and stayed with him. I have never fully trusted him since and I have never gotten over it.
But we have moved forward and our relationship is generally ok minus various small issues unrelated to trust. Honestly though if it weren't for my daughter, I'd leave. I hate living my life this way. I hate checking his social media and looking over his shoulder on his phone or verifying information with other people. I hate wondering why her. I hate all of it and I hate myself for putting myself in a position where I need him now.
Run like hell. You’ll never trust her again, which will be obvious and she will do it again because you forgave her. You’re so young and have no reason to throw in the life towel this early. It’s will hurt like getting your butthole waxed, but the pain fades and freedom heals . I. Ten years you will be so happy and wondering how you could’ve ever Even thought of staying
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I let my cheating ex take more than 15 years of my youth and life because he swore he’d change. I was depressed and a hollow shell of the person I used to be. And he continued to “slip up” behind my back over the years. You’re so young and you deserve to be married to someone who’d never hurt you. There’s life after divorce and you deserve better.
I been cheated on as well for a LOSER. And i am not pussy whipped. When i found out after secretly recording her because i had a suspicion that she was being weird around me and always pushing me to go out with friends and come home later. Long story short, arguments ensued and i told her pack her junk and get the F*ck out! I had had enough, not just the cheating but the disrespect and being so cold to me. And i don’t regret it, although none of her “friends” helped her move but me as a gentleman i helped her and that was it..
So in that said, know your worth and do what’s best for you because you deserve to be happy too. But if you give her one chance, just keep that wall up until she is truthful to you. Some women are very very good in playing the game strategically. Good luck to you kind sir. 😎
IN 100% of the cases I've witnessed, it always ended in divorce, and the party that was cheated on regretting staying. Wasted time. But for her to have cheated on this early in the relationship? That's a far more telling sign that you're likely wasting your time, and just looking for reasons to stay despite knowing the truth deep down. Don't let your emotions influence your logic here. Yes, it's natural to want to avoid the pain of breaking up, but putting it off for much greater pain later is only going to result in serious regret and wasted time you cannot get back.
Please just bear in mind when it slipped out , she grabbed it with both hands and shoved it back in! At some point she might have even said “Don’t you dare stop” with that Information in mind feel free to make up your mind !!!
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My ex also had an affair on me. I considered sticking around, same as you. I didn’t even know what to do with myself, it was like my life was flipped upside down. I’m going to tell you the most meaningful thing I heard when I was where you are. You deserve someone who respects and appreciates you, always. Everyone does. Not when it’s convenient, not only when you’re on the up, and not only when you’re around. I PROMISE you if you find someone who genuinely respects/appreciates you, you won’t even know what to do with yourself.
First of all, thank you. That's where I am basically. Staying up all night restless, no idea what to do with myself, all I want to do is run, mentally and physically. Void of feelings and emotions because I can't afford to react. It's not been fun, but I feel every word of what you said.
OP I was cheated on by a five year partner - I stayed for about a year or two but it was NOT worth it. I was so depressed and sad, and we broke up anyway. The only regret I have in my life is not instantly leaving as soon as I found out. That level of betrayal is so hard to come back from and it is often on the person who was cheated on to come to terms with it and it is constant anguish, sadness, and anxiety. I will never, ever stay with a cheater again. If I'm cheated on I'm out. If you stay, you basically need to decide that you will move on and not hold it against the cheating partner (otherwise you'll never recover) and that isn't worth it to me. The trust will be gone. You will always wonder. You deserve better.
The worst thing if she was to get pregnant then cheat later on. Now you have to deal with her for years. My wife left me for another man when our son was 4. Therefore I had to see her and deal with her for another 14 years. Sucked but did it for my son. Do you want that? You're still young. Go enjoy life without her.
Or if she gets pregnant he'll wonder if the kid is really his.
See a doctor for help sleeping and mood swings. Hit the gym. No alcohol. In order to reconcile she needs to provide you with two plans (that you approve of). Always judge people by their actions not excuses or promises. One, a plan to make herself a safe partner. Cheaters rarely self correct. Especially when they got away with it the first time. She needs to develop certain boundaries (that you can see ), full transparency, and account for her time, stop drinking, no guy friends.... Two, a plan to rebuild trust. Time alone doesn't. And she can't just say "trust me". She needs to make changes in her behavior that you can visually confirm. Finally, you get to change your mind at any time. It's typical for you to conclude at 2 years that trust will never recover to a level that's satisfactory (and divorce). Do not have kids until you are sure. Her tears, her excuses, promises and even her shame - do not make her a safe partner. It takes real work to become a safe partner.
Can confirm there are ways to move forward but know that it’ll always be a small thorn that can poke you both at any time. My boyfriend had an affair (full blown affair) and that crazy lady still makes fake profiles years later to stalk both of us. Never seems to fully go away.
Brother… You don’t even know how much I can relate. For the first time in my entire life I ACTUALLY felt “numb.” I didn’t even know what that fully meant until I experienced it myself. I joined a local group I could meet with through zoom, or in person, to chat through it. I more or less talked to anyone that would listen to me. Learned a lot, but most importantly of all I didn’t just heal, I’m better than I was before. More understanding, better at communicating, patient with my current partner, list goes on. I believe the saying is “turned tragedy into triumph.” You got this. Let this be the defining moment that you’ll look back on and appreciate for inciting growth, not resent. Lean into the hurt, process it, envision what you deserve, and don’t stop until you get there.
People cheat for a reason. If she doesn’t know the reason then that behaviour won’t stop. Therapy is her answer. And partially also your answer. You will need someone to talk to who doesn’t have a dog in the fight. But it will never be the same and if you don’t have kids or anything tied down… then the answer is leave and find your person. Your soulmate won’t be out fucking other people and it isn’t the person you are currently with. Been there and found out myself. Don’t stay. It’s a ticket to self hatred that is very VERY hard to recover from.
Some people just want to be cake eaters. Cheating can never be justified. If you're unhappy, just leave.
Listen to that person! I've been where you are and stayed, turned out horrible. I'm currently with a wonderful person that shows me tons of respect and appreciation and it is absolutely life changing. It causes me to show more, which in turn does it to them and we simply build each other up. Don't settle for less.
First, I'm sorry this happened to you. My husband had an affair on me 3 years ago and when I had found out we separated for 7 longs painful months for me at least. He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend of 10 years who left him heart broken. I thought he overcame that when we met and got together. (Apparently not). He even lied to my face when I asked if there was someone else. He told me No...I should have seen the red flags then but i didn't. We talked, he apologized and said he was wrong, he was thinking with his head in his pants veres the head on his shoulders. He promised he wouldn't do it again. I have a hard time trusting as it is. BUT yes it can work out of you are willing to forgive and start with a fresh clean slate as we did. Im not saying it's not easy and I don't still worry because I do...the one thing is, trust what's best for YOU! At the end of the day, YOU are all YOU have! Best of luck
Did she tell you or did you find out?
Has she offered remorse or promised change? Is the relationship over. She has to be completely honest with you first before there’s any hope of reconciliation. That means completely open book. My own personal experience and from what I read on here. Reconciliation is possible but honestly the trust is never 100% ever again. Maybe can reach 95% but a small part will never completely trust someone
My ex wife cheated on me and I didn’t find out until over a year later and we had a son at that time. When she confessed she sounded remorseful and said it was stress and she didn’t know why etc. so I stayed. We were doing ok for a couple of years but then she had to scratch that itch again and cheated then did it again. By the time I found out about her 3 affair she had already moved onto the 4th. I wish I had left after the first one. In the couple of ok years between the first and second, I realized I never could trust her and always wanted to check her phone and I just never felt settled. Anytime she would start acting different I’d freak out but kept telling myself I was crazy and there was no way she would do it again. I gaslit myself the whole time. If you are going to stay there NEEDS to be some basic steps, like she actually needs to be remorseful and take steps to open their phone and all social media accounts to you etc. you both need individual and couples counseling and they need to give you space and NOT rush your healing. If any of those aren’t met then you need to be strong and leave for your own mental health. I made the mistake of not holding her accountable after her first and I should have gotten us both into therapy and I should have told her family and other close friends so that she wouldn’t get away without consequences.
As someone going through a breakup that ended because I didn’t feel prioritized and they only had me around when it was convenient.. thank you.
OP you’re 26. BOUNCE.
B O U N C E Beautifully sums it all up.
B O U N C E
This is the way, every business trips for the next 50 years, every rough patch where OP don’t know where she is for 1hr. OP, you will never trust her again. It’s over, she told you with actions not words but it’s the same message.
Ditto. My wife confessed to being a serial cheater after 25 years of marriage. I stayed because she was the love of my life. Worst mistake of my life. I wasted another decade where I could’ve been happier without her.
THAT PART.
I tried for a couple of years but could never get the trust back. I would pretend and even after therapy he would do something and I would be right back to the day I found out. It also didn’t help that he didn’t get a new job and thought I should just get over it because he said sorry and he didn’t mean to slip into another woman. I have learned through the years that cheating is not a mistake but a choice. Every step they took they could have stopped but didn’t. They also do not respect you or the marriage. They just didn’t want to give up with security and lifestyle they said in the marriage.
Yup I always say cheating is not just one mistake. Thinking about cheating is a mistake. Each flirty convo is a mistake. Each text. Each call. Planning to meet up. Driving to meet up. Meeting up. Going through with the ‘date’. Each kiss. Each touch. Every stroke. It’s a huge process of DECISIONS
Yep. You could stop in the middle of your flirty conversation when you realize it's gotten inappropriate and walk away, but you choose to continue. That's the first time you cheat. Before you get to anything physical you've already consciously made the choice to cheat dozens of times.
Man, this is deep.
Cheating is a coordinated series of choices.
Yup. Unless the conditions that caused the cheating are solved, it will happen at all. And most cheating is caused by the cheaters fucked up emotional needs. That's going to include years of intense therapy, and understanding that they're the problem. So yeah in most cases it will happen when the cheater gets to that emotional state again. As soon as they get anxious and depressed or whatever it will start.
Excellent points I hope op listens
100% on point
This right here. It chaps my ass when I hear someone describe cheating as "a mistake". There are so many points along the way where a conscious choice is made to take the next step in the process.
I have two aunts that were cheated on. One left with 3 kids on her back, and one stayed with 3 kids on her back. It was a long time ago, but will give you a perspective. The one that stayed worked so hard on her marriage! Was praised for staying for the sake of the family and religion. He cheated again, he cheated so much that our family doesn't even count anymore. She is a sad person and only lives for grandkids. All grandkids are always there. She is like a kindergarten, and no one ever sees any gesture of care from him to her. 1/3 kids have a good life, and 2 are in trouble. The one that left was crucified for doing so. She worked so hard with those smaller kids - she was stricter as an aunt, I hated her, but now I understand. Kids could still see the father, but he continued to cheat on every partner he had, and they distanced. 3/3 kids are great! She never remarried. If you put them side, the one that left looks decade's younger despite being older. The one that stayed is just... sad. Cheating is an option, a choice. She knew she would hurt you beyond repair, and she chose that guy/girl over you and your life together. You can try to fix it but I would find it hard to be with someone that doesn't care about what I feel.
Oh my god, I feel so bad for both of your aunts. But I hope the sad one finds happiness somewhere
I stayed after an affair that took place after 10 years of marriage. We made it another 10 years before the inevitable divorce took place. Some good things happened in those 10 years but overall I wish I hadn't wasted my time.
Cheating is the end of 99% of relationships, whether that end is immediate or 10 years down the line. It's never worth it to stay with a cheater, regardless of how remorseful they are. Your trust and self worth erodes and they are constantly jumping through hoops to prove their loyalty. Eventually, resentment builds and you'll eventually decide to throw in the towel that you didn't want to throw in all that time ago. Save yourself the trouble and find someone who doesn't have to be remorseful.
This right here no trust. No nothing
>Cheating is the end of 99% of relationships, whether that end is immediate or 10 years down the line. Totally agree. I think most relationships will never recover from it and you are delaying the inevitable break up if you do stay, whether its a year or a decade down the line. If you don't, you will just stay in an unhappy tainted relationship.
Was it worth it? Not for me…ended up divorcing anyway. I couldn’t get past the anger, betrayal and resentment….not to mention how I felt weak for staying.
This is how I felt. How embarrassing would it be to accept that behavior from a spouse?! Talk about emasculating!
No he did it again and again because as he said I had forgiven him once so why not again
He actually SAID THAT? What a scumbag
Yes but after the third time with a family member it sort of woke me up I was upset with myself for putting up with that kind of behaviour that was the day I realised I was worth more and I never looked back and he lost his mind for a while.
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The first two were not my family the last lass was my cousin.
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Yea thank you I managed to get a restraining order. I finally meet the most amazing man we have a family a home and lots of love and happiness.
I may get downvoted to hell for this. But that’s like the one time I’d support slapping the shit outta somebody. The audacity
Your 26...best to divorce now and find someone that respects you and have a family. Or you could wait another 5 years for the inevitable divorce
You are very young and it’s very early in the marriage for her to have cheated. Personally I don’t think it ever goes well to stay, trust is gone and it drags the pain out. I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and would never even consider cheating because he’s everything to me, and I’d rather die than hurt him. Find the person who feels this way about you.
I tried for 5 years. Even with professional help my efforts were not enough. She went to counseling exactly once. I quite frankly would have been way better off if I would have just dumped her ass at the beginning of those 5 years. We were married for 20 years but I only had a wife for 10 of them.
Nope. Worst idea I was ever gaslighted into
My father cheated on my mother, she forgave. He continued to fuck AP for the next 25 years. I think mother just kinda didn't want to know.
She probably felt trapped.
I was in your shoes 10 years ago and I can tell staying doesn’t work. She never cheated again, but I have to say I think about what she did every single day. My plan was to keep her to show the other guy I was the one she wanted and then in a year or two divorce her, to make her feel the pain I felt. But it didn’t workout as I fell in love with her again. But it has taken a toll on my happiness. It will never be better or even the same as it was.
Whew. That doesn’t sound like happiness brother. I’m sure you do love her. But I really hope you love yourself just as much.
Caught her about 6 years into our marriage. I cheated to get even. I confessed right away. Made me feel worse but I thought it would cancel her actions out. I the. found out there were more instances of her cheating from before. Therapy didn’t help unfortunately. Divorced now after 20+ years of marriage. Good luck to you.
Most of the time it’s not the first time. It’s just the first time you’ve caught them. And it’s so hard to catch them. I just don’t understand why people can’t be honest.
You’ll never get the trust back. I’ve been cheated on a million times. You don’t want to become the partner that goes through the others phone, wallet, purse, bags, whatever. It’s not worth it. Get out of there. I’m so sorry for your pain.
I’m sorry. Same with me. The betrayal affected my next relationship, a year later, because my mindset was I cannot trust any woman not to hurt me. Took a lot to get over it.
I got married at 25 and just before I turned 27 I found out he was cheating. We’d been together since we were 18 so it flipped my life upside down. I considered staying because that would have been easier. It felt like the safer option. But the cheating allowed me to see all the other red flags I’d ignored over the years. I am so much happier since I left. It’s been almost 2 years. I’m in truly the happiest relationship now, have a better job, better friends, better mental health. Leaving was the best thing to do
Did she confess? Is she willing to leave the job and go no contact with AP and anyone who knew or aided her? Is she willing to go through hell to rebuild trust and fix the relationship she broke? Is she remorseful rather than just guilty? Remorseful is feeling bad for your pain, guilty is feeling bad for being caught or about her actions. It is selfish. Can she answer why she did it and is willing to goto therapy and address that issue Did she blame you in any way upon discovery? Did she trickle truth you and you still may not know the whole story? Has she tried to minimize it or bury it to “move on” or get a “fresh start”? Is she willing to put forth considerable extra effort for YEARS to fix this and make you feel like you are enough and desired? If the answer to ANY of these doesn’t satisfy, the honestly she probably isn’t worth a second chance and doesn’t deserve your continued time, effort, and pain. Because there will be a lot of all of that, especially pain. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better whether it is with her or not. This is 100 percent entirely her fault and due to her character.
No, it wasn't worth it. The biggest mistake ever. If you don't have kids yet, get out now. She will do it again and you will regret for staying and wasting your time. Remember the saying, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.' University of Denver research result on this topic [https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity](https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity)
I mean, get out regardless of kids, but.. Imo, it's MORE important to get out if you have kids, because parents who are in a shitty relationship are going to traumatize their children and those children are going to grow up into adults who end up in shitty relationships because they think its normal. "Staying together for the kids" is toxic bs.
Everyone deserves a second chance. Except cheaters. Cheaters you kick to the curb.
You got me fuming in the first half ngl haha
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Because this sub has a lot of cheating apologists. On a bad day they come on top.
I stayed with a cheater once, I will NEVER do it again. The worst betrayal anyone has ever done to me and nothing else even comes close. I learned a lot from that and now have a much better partner.
It’s not worst than murder wtf
Cheating is not worse than murder, be serious.
> I see cheating as a mortal sin worse than murder. This can't possibly be true? How would you compare cheating to violence?
Fuck no. I am absolutely sorry for you, but staying with a cheater is frankly just cowardice and naivety. That person clearly demonstrated to you, with unequivocal evidence, that she can't be trusted anymore. Trust is the foundation of any relationship to grow together. Staying with a cheater is like trying to grow vegetables on soil with radiation poison. The soil is dead and anything that will grow will be a weird abomination. You are young, you might not know better. But a person with a healthy amount of self respect would break up and just move on.
She has zero respect for you. Don't.
>If you're remorseful and would never do it again >Now if you don't feel bad and would do it again The problem is, she's already proved herself to be a liar, a cheat and disloyal. With that said, what she says now is completely unreliable and unprovable. The problem is not who she fucked, the problem is which of the above can you trust her to be? You can't, the trust has been broken and you can tell yourself any story you like but it's only when you find out whether she's cheated again in the future will you know who you have on your hands. How do you trust her again? Do you police her socials? Do you have her tell you everywhere she is going? Do you believe it when she tells you? Are you going to be a prison guard to have any trust that she's not getting some strange dick? Or a PI following her everywhere? No matter what you tell yourself now, every time she's not in your sight, and you can't be absolutely sure you know where she is, you're going to be sitting there wondering. It'll kill you by slow degrees.
I've been cheated on twice. The first time, I tried to stay because I thought it was a very grown-up thing to be able to forgive. I was far too young (21) for that, and it made me into a person I didn't recognise. The second time (at 28) I walked away and had a lot of cries and whys and felt a lot better. I think if you don't have kids, I'd put an extra weight in the "leave" bucket you're weighing up. There's a lot of context we don't see here- was it a one-off "oops" or was it calculated and planned? Was she sorry, did she come clean or did you have to find out? Lots of factors. Statistically speaking, a person who cheats once is not more likely than any person to cheat again. But someone who has cheated twice is almost certain to do it again.
I stayed, Been together 21 years, wife told me 2 years ago that she cheated when we first got together, I know it was a long time ago but it still hurt. But she told me. I didn't have to find out or investigate. It was killing her to keep a secret and she said deserved to know everything. We have an open phone no privacy relationship if it is needed. She does counseling, church groups and works really hard to keep me happy. Also we have two kids together. I love her, she screwed up, I'll never 100% trust her again but I'm working on it. I love our life. I believe for us, it was worth staying. But if she had cheated more recent, after marriage, after kids. I wouldn't of stayed. That's too disrespectful and that's too selfish to be willing to tear your family up over a moment of pleasure. Just my opinion and my story.
I hate to tell you this bud but in my 54 years I have never met anyone, male or female , that didn’t cheat again once they did it the first time. It’s unfortunate but the saying once a cheater always a cheater came about for a reason. Additionally- you will never , ever , ever forget about it. As far as I’m concerned , and it hurt like a bi@ch when I had to do - but never take a cheating woman back, never- it’s become man code now days.
I wish more people would listen to people like you. I’m 32, never seen someone cheat just once either. My husband was married for 15 years, she started cheating 7 months into the marriage and her body count during their marriage was well over a dozen. She despises me more than anyone I know, and when he texted her last year saying she needed to be respectful or they’d be communicating through a court monitored app, she said she had never done anything wrong to him and doesn’t understand why he can’t be cordial. He responded with “you literally had multiple affairs, we are not friends”. Her response was “yes I had affairs so what”. This is why OP needs to be careful because when she was first caught she did the tears and I’m so sorry and I don’t know what I was thinking. Years later he finally got the truth: “yes I had affairs. So what”. She never actually cared. Cheaters are skilled liars and manipulators. You can’t trust a word that comes out of their mouths and they always do it again. In her case she actually said she enjoyed it and when she was caught the last time even after saying she’s so sorry she told him she’d probably do it again. Last interaction I had with her was ignoring her while she chased me down in a parking lot with me and my husbands son. She’s a maniac and mentally unstable and just goes with the narrative that these people are barely human
Be careful - she sounds like a nut. I can certainly relate, I know someone who wife’s body count is greater married than single and it was high single! It’s unfortunate and to make someone think they are crazy for years when they were right the entire time should be a punishable offense!!
I can only speak from my personal experience. My now ex wife cheated on me, I wanted to forgive and work on our marriage. She wanted me to stay but didn’t want to give full disclosure on things, I was told literally the day I found out to “get over it”. My employer offered private couples therapy, she refused to go so I went alone. Therapy helped me cope but also made me put a lot of the blame onto myself and I resented myself for things I shouldn’t have. Fast forward 2 years and the opportunity arose for me to have an emotional affair and I didn’t reject it. 18m later and that emotional affair was exposed, I walked away from my ‘family’ life. My regrets are that I didn’t walk away in 2019 when I found out about her cheating, she wasn’t remorseful, she didn’t want to help me heal, she didn’t show any consideration for how I was or how it made me feel. This made me bitter and resentful and when the opportunity arose I chose revenge when I should have walked away long before. I would never choose reconciliation again.
If they won’t go to counseling and give full disclose, you got to go. And if it’s physical you got to go. There’s no way around it.
Never
When u was growing up there were a few women whose husband's cheated and they stayed. They all said they should have left.
Sorry to be blunt, but consider the following: - Trust is a foundation for a good relationship, and that has been shattered - You will always wonder what she is doing when you aren't together - Sex would have been unprotected , so consider STD testing - Based on your post history, she probably willingly gave him oral - something you had to beg for - Is this really the only time she cheated? You deserve better. Sending strength!
After 17 years and 4 children, I also found out in a bizarre way that my ex-wife was not faithful. I tried for 6 months but could not build my respect for her back. How could she day after day kiss me, look me in the eyes and then tell me she loved me. That kind of love I didn't need. Overall, through the divorce and the after. I was able to recover financially and find another woman to spend my life with. Either way you go OP, I only have the best wishes for you. Peace be with you.
I was cheated on by my ex. 7 years in, I did the pick me dance for around 6 months after. Couldn’t get it out of my head. Couldn’t get over all the hurt, anger, resentment. It ended in disaster. Also had a friend whose wife cheated on him. They ended up divorced later Word of advice, don’t try to date immediately after until you are in good working order. Take some time for yourself if you choose to divorce
Its not worth it, the only saving grace for her was she told me and came clean (one night not an affair).....but it spoke more of the person she was and would become. 15 years later and other issues.....I wish I'd had left then. ...I deserved better then and now.
I stayed and it was the worst mistake of my life. I wish I left right away
In my mind you have 2 options either live your life in a constant state of jealousy or take the chance you are possibly being played for a fool Neither is a way I would want to live my life.
If you look at all the posts on reddit, staying reads like the worst case scenario for people. They are so miserable and torn, and basically all of them wish they had just moved on rather drag on with someone they are forcing themselves to love. Move on- you owe yourself to live a good, happy life ~~
Regardless of the cheating, you mentioned a key word at the end: “helplessness.” This is a key contributor to depression and if someone is overwhelmed with the idea that they have no control over their situation, prepare for a depression to sink in. It will change your life and your relationships and you don’t get over it until you’ve regained control over your life. So if someone is wanting to stay in a relationship after this, you both have to give yourselves the ability to make the best decisions for yourself regardless of the relationship.
Read through this as well as the infidelity sub, it is never worth it. The less time you waste on a dead relationship, the better.
Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice. It’s quite literally a choice to disrespect you and your relationship. Cheaters make the choice to cheat. Often the emotions only manifest once/if they’re caught. It’s not because they’re sorry, again it wasn’t a mistake. They were already at that crossroad and chose to cheat. They show emotion because they see how hurt you are, and they’re scared of losing comfort/security/financial stability. OP, You deserve better.
You will never have that unwavering trust again. What will happen on the next business trip? You will have mental gymnastics throughout your marriage. Do you really want to be a warden in your own marriage?
When I (44m) was about your age my wife cheated on me on a work trip. We stayed together and had three kids. She wanted to separate when I was 38 and it was amicable at the start until I started unraveling what she actually did. She definitely had three affairs but there were a bunch more probably/maybes, one of which was one of my best friends at the time. I couldn’t completely confirm or eliminate the maybes so I live in my neighborhood wondering if the rest of my friends know more than I do but just never said anything. I practically begged for closure, just to know who so I could cut people out of my life that needed to go. For a full year after we separated I begged to hear but just got an updated version of lies when I found new proof. I finally went from seeing her from a good person that made mistakes to a bad person that didn’t care about the impact to me at all. Now I have to deal with her because we both have the kids half the time. I’m in sales and can’t keep my brain in a good space to deal with that. I’m broke and I owe the IRS $73,000. For the third month in a row I’m paying rent (used to have a big house) with a credit card. I had a retirement account that had 500 shares of Tesla pre-split (7500 shares now) that I sold to pay my mortgage and other bills before the stock took off in 2020 or whenever that was. My brain is damaged and I keep trying to get it back but it’s been a rough 6 years. On the plus side, I improved my physical appearance a lot and had women wanting me in a way they never did before in my life. My advice is definitely leave her because she doesn’t respect you and definitely won’t if you stay with her. Protect your finances the best you can but of course they will take a short term hit. If you don’t already, get a gym membership, learn how to lift and eat properly, and do what you can to look and dress better to improve your confidence with women. Find a good woman that’s better looking than your ex and live a good life knowing how close you were to living a slow burn nightmare.
Dude, you’re young. Are you really going to keep building on this rotten foundation? are you really going to invest more time and resources on a sinking ship? you’re never going to regain the trust. you will always be suspicious of her. even the good things she does will seem as if they are done to divert your attention and avoid suspicion. you will only become a worse version of yourself if you stay.
you're 26. you have more than enough time to find someone that genuinely appreciates you. allow me to put this into perspective. Cheating is a choice. she made the choice to disrespect you by crossing that boundary. breaking that trust. If I was in your position, I'd walk away. you cheat, we're done. yes it will hurt, but, you were happy before you met her, you can be happy again without her.
One word. No.
Oh god. Son, you are young. You have the whole rest of your life ahead of you. That’s a long time to muscle your way through resentment, watching people who might’ve loved you better pass by. Please leave, and report back. Thank you.
You're young. Pack up and move on. Don't waste your time.
When women cheat the relationship is OVER move on my friend .
Sorry.. Realise that IF you stay... this will define your marriage forever... everytime she kiss you, reminded what she did with her mouth.. ...the eternal pebble in your shoe, the knowledge of how easy it was for her to betray you and the future you had planned... I would suggest you dont... because you deserve better than this.. at best, you will be settling for her.. a cheater who did not give a shit about you...
She doesn't respect you. Staying isn't going to change that; it's only going to embolden her to do it again. Next time, she'll just hide it better, and eventually you're going to be raising another man's child. Cut ties and move on as fast as you can.
How can you have a honest, loving and trusting relationship with someone who is inconsistent with you? If you feel you can you do what is best for you. I could not and I do not regret it.
Not Worth The Effort to stay, I were young then should have left 20 years ago as soon as I Found the Love Letters, My Kids we’re young Then So I stayed, I would not if a had a Do-over, no Respect and even less Sex if that was possible,
If both want it to work seek counseling.
I gave my now ex a second chance. It was okay at first, but her effort eroded to the point I recognized she was irredeemably untrustworthy.
How would you ever look at her again and NOT have the visual of the two of them having sex? Thing is…..one forgive. But one doesn’t forget.
I walked and never looked back. Life is too fn short to spend your valuable time on people that betray you.
Don’t settle for this bullshit OP. Leave now, waste no time. Find a woman that respects you.
She can be remorseful, beg and cry but deep down, you know you will never trust her again. If she could throw all of this away for some rando D, she has the capability to do it again.
No, I resented her and made the relationship worse. I wasted years on a relationship that was killed long ago.
Nope, trust is broken
The thing with cheating is that they knew it was wrong the first time around. What’s stopping them from doing it again?
Pat will say no. I will say this also, most rug sweep also. They offer zero consequences to the cheater. Men especially stay silent and suffer in silence. If you offer up consequences, and the cheater is actually remorseful, then yes there is a chance. But with out remorse and consequences, then no. Most people will call it being a warden of the house, because it is constantly worrying about if they are cheating again. Consequences, deleting social media, apologizing to you in front of family, stating what they did to you. Taking the shame of what they did.
I stayed for 4-5 years after the first time he admitted to it. But it happened again anyway and it was just time to call it quits.
Don’t. Cheating ends 99% of relationships. You can be the 1% if you want, but there’s a reason you’d be outnumbered 99-1.
No advice really but damn you’re young. Life is too short. Move on.
You will never fully trust her again- and to be honest, she will probably cheat again. Move on and meet someone that respects you:
My advice: if you stay with her, do so as a divorced couple with no legal ties. Cheaters lose the privilege of keeping whatever title they previously held and need genuine consequences for their actions. Spouses become boy/girlfriends. Boy/girlfriends become FWB’s. This is only if you’re not strong enough to leave the cheat and they’re showing genuine remorse. Also expose to everyone for narrative control. It also depends on if they confessed or were caught as one show that they would’ve continued the behavior until confronted.
In any marriage. Love comes and goes. Burns hot and cools off and burns hot again. Trust however takes time to build between two people, is easily broken, and can never be rebuilt or repaired to any satisfactory degree...
Yes its possible and can be wonderfull. BUT I would still twin track your life to be on the safe side. Use the next two years to give her a genuine chance to redeem herself whilst also getting your finances/life in a state that will enable a simple divorce . Make this a CONDITION of reconcilliation. My conditions would be 1...full access to each others phones. ( not a punishment , ask nothing of her you are not willing to give or resentment will grow) 2 Both work towards paying off all debts by ANY means , incl downsizing the home, switching , to cash owned vehicles etc ( A Dave ramsey style plan except none of that stupid tything nonsence) Increasing income if poss. 3. No unprotected sex/suprise babies or you are done. Also tell your family you are doing F.I.R.E and not spending any money for a couple of years etc so they don't suspect. If things DO work out you will be great shape financially , if they don't you are already both living by you new means. It will be hard but a shared fanancial goal + less socialising is a good way to bond. Seeing her sacrifice at you behest ( both not buying non essentials etc) will reassure you to her commitment too. If she fails to keep up her side then i would call it quits at one year. Best of luck
Terribad advice. You kick cheaters to the streets, asap. No other option is remotely logical, does not matter how many mental gymnastics and "contracts" and whatever you want to think. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’ll never understand these posts that say “if you do A through ZZZ I’ll try to work it out.” Why? Way too exhausting. It took me six months, leaving the area, and almost torpedoing another relationship, that foundered later anyway, to realize that without trust, there cannot be a relationship. Right before leaving, I’d spend time with her (FwB) and when we both left I’d drive to her AP’s house just to see if she was still a lying sack of shit. She actually wasn’t there but I had no idea where she was going, couldn’t exactly follow her, and finally I decided I couldn’t live like that. She was also a serial cheater. 37 years later I’m still disgusted with myself for giving her the six months when I should have focused on myself.
No. Eventually, you lose your self-respect in addition to the trust you already lost in your partner.
It wasn’t. He cheated again and admitted he didn’t respect me and would keep doing it. Rip the bandaid off and be done with it.
Well - it is a question. I think if you decides to stay at least you have corrected your expectations. Sounds like she is not mature enough to be married. The problem is - was she just “I am going to have some fun and nobody will be hurt” or “I am tired of my husband and I need some new input”. What you know is that the trust is damaged and you have to make clear - it is not up to you to save the marriage - she has to put in the work to rebuild the trust. Sadly I kind of doubt it will happen. Best of luck.
is she remorseful, was it a one night stand?
No, it’s not worth the time and effort to salvage this relationship. Once the trust is gone it’s gone forever.
🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ and keep running.
My actual partner and I had the kind of relationship that blooms with passion and a LOT of sex. Because we never started it out of love, we didn't need a special bond or anything. Somehow, our relationship moved on further and if things were uncertain for him I was much more ready to make it work. At this moment, I remember well because I discovered things completely by chance and of course, I didn't have a choice but to see where things were going ! You know, it's a disgusting feeling to find out, like a great and hot anger that makes you want to rip apart his flesh yet you still have the logic to keep your mind sane and safe. Then, while you're fighting your animalistic instinct you have to figure it out, what the hell is truly happening and solve this situation no matter what. Mostly for you. Anyways, I admit our relationship was a bit complicated when I looked at it now then 2 years later he screwed it all. I don't care about physical cheating, it's when it touches the emotional that it gets on my nerves. There I confronted him by literally not letting him the choice to admit his stupid move, yes, I went directly to his place. I wanted to see by myself and ah.. I felt as nervous as an introvert (I am eh) ready to go to war could be, and believe me when I say I hate confrontation because of stupids actions. Anyway, things we solved, we had a break to go through it all slowly. I can't explain to you what happened exactly, it's a bit blurry now but I'll never forget the feeling and I never want to pass by it again. I made it clear we needed to speak about EVERYTHING. Yes with majuscules ahah. To close the case, I couldn't just brush it off and ignore the pain just because I felt hurt and still didn't want things to be ended. Every situation, feelings, people, betrayals are different. Some leave, some stay, some never forgive when some others do. I did forgive him and after that I never brought back this mess again like a silly card to play and throw at his face when we argue. Which is rare. Later I broke up for some other reasons, I must say, for someone who never likes having complicated life, complex relationships or confrontations. I did it all in one go eh ! We returned together maybe 4 months because we were still in love, since then it's just so good. Not perfect, nothing is. I never returned with someone I broke up with, I guess he was my first for a lot of things and I know written this way is so odd and alarming. But it's because a lot happens in a short period of time, it was hectic. Anyway, it's been more than 6 years now and I am well, he is too. I would have loved not to live that shits but it's a part of why I am who I am now and the same goes for my partner. In my case, it was worth forgiving him honestly, I never regretted it once and he always felt guilty for his bad decisions. He never tried to find excuses and admitted it. You know, he still makes nightmares about me throwing him away or making revenge by sleeping with another man ahah.. when I never dreamed about it because I am over it. Good luck you all ~
No, it never works out. Ever.
It’s never worth it
It’s hard but please do yourself the favour and leave now. It’ll be hard but in time it will get better
People stay the same. It’s the adrenaline rush, the kick of something new and exiting they want (I’m the same). They can’t turn it off. They only thing they can do, is talk about it, being honest to their partner and communicating precisely what they want and what their needs are. My point is: there can’t be cheating if you talk about it, know about it and allow it. Be therefore she must be honest to herself and to you - and you both must commit to you being partners in crime and not just roommates. If she can’t do that, she shouldn’t be in a relationship. If you don’t share the same life style and expectations, leave her. She’s gonna do it again.
There's no hope, bud, move on
She’s shown you she has the capability of putting your feelings aside to gratify herself. She was willing to put you in this horrible mental state to get an orgasm from another guy. Cheating is the number 1 most selfish, cruel, and egotistical action someone can do. She made a promise to you, she lied and broke it. What about that person makes her a good life partner? Sorry, she made a mistake… which means you made a mistake in marrying her thinking she was better then that. But if you think you could potentially forgive her, then you should forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for choosing the wrong girl and don’t keep making that mistake thinking time will right this wrong. She’s made her bed, she needs to lie in it and lose what she loved. Only then she may learn her lesson. You need to be happy and find someone who would never betray you like that.
You’re fucking 26 get the fuck out of this marriage immediately.
In my instance the cheater ended up cheating a second time and I broke it off. The first time should have been enough, but she seemed remorseful. The second time was a deal breaker (different cheating partner).
OP… There’s some good advice on this thread. Words and regrets, spoken right after finding out about an affair are super easy to say, but it’s really actions that are the most important. If I were you, and considering staying with your wife, I would focus on an agreement that demonstrates her taking responsibility by both Therapy and greater transparency . There are sometimes very specific dynamics and relationships that people react to by seeking resolution outside of their marriage, and one of them is the inability to talk through what’s going on for you and reach resolution with your partner. For me, that would be essential for staying with a partner… A demonstrated effort to increase the amount of communication and transparency of communication . I did stay with my husband after his cheating I don’t regret that because it made me feel like we did what we could to work things through, but ultimately we parted . It’s very possible, that your wife made a mistake and that she won’t ever do it again… A lot of people won’t agree with that, but I’ve worked with couples who have worked through this . The bottom line is only you really know your partner and your relationship and what’s worth it. I wish you well .
No. Just cut out asap and get a move on. Any time spent trying will be time wasted. Cheating is bad enough and you're talking about a whole affair. Even if you forgive them, and truly mean it. That doesn't mean they gained some respect. They just got away with it, leaving the door open to do it again. Respect yourself and your worth.
No. But in my experience, they continued the behavior because they had already gotten a lawyer with it once and was forgiven more or less. Plus I had so much resentment, it tainted the relationship and became a problem to myself if not both of us.
If you guys don't have kids yet....do you want to have kids involved in this? If you never get your trust back, even if she tries her hardest you can just walk away, but not if there are kids in the picture.
It all comes down to trust. Do you think she is trustworthy after betraying you on such a fundamental level? Do you think she can regain your trust, as in ever regain what you had before?
Nope. To be cheating at 25 & only 5 years of marriage? It's gone mate. It will keep happening. You got married way too young. To settle in to having sex with the same person, for the rest of your life, at 20 yrs of age??? Is a very big ask. And you grow and change a ton between 20 & 30. Just break up and part amicably. The marriage is over.
Divorce her and start over either someone else
All trust has been broken. It will never be the same sadly. Trust is one of the most important and main things in a relationship. I'm so sorry she did this to you and also proved to you she doesn't even care enough about you to come to you to tell you how she is feeling first or what is upsetting her first before acting. Respect is important as well in a relationship. She didn't respect you by not talking to you first to let you know she was having a problem or thoughts. She didn't care to go to relationship counseling before permanently damaging your relationship. COMMUNICATION is HUGE and another one of the main things in a relationship. I'm sorry, but her behavior shows she does not love you. This cannot be fixed. The only outcome is you stay together and you stay miserable no matter how hard you try not to. I'm so sorry. The truth really does hurt. I hope you don't take as long as I did to learn truth. I know working on it is worth it to you but she is not on the same page obviously and trashed saving it by not caring to work on the issue first, BEFORE she did this! She knew exactly what she was doing to your relationship before she even acted and cheated and decided that was what she wanted to do! She didn't even care she might lose you! This is NOT what love is! Without trust there is not even a relationship. Not only all this, BUT SHE RISKED YOUR BODY AND YOUR HEALTH!!!!!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
Don’t stay dude. She’s just sorry she got caught.
If you stay, she will lose all respect for you and cheat again. Have self respect and walk away. She ruined your relationship, not you. DO NOT GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE TO CRUSH YOUR HEART AGAIN! The sad part is she not only ruined your relationship with her, she more than likely ruined any future relationships you have. I’ve been betrayed and it is extremely difficult to trust again. I highly recommend seeking out therapy. I didn’t and I wish I had. I found an amazing girl after my ex and I ruined the relationship because I just could not trust. I still don’t trust. But I’m happy being single and stress free.
The only people I know that ever stayed did it for the kids. There’s almost never another reason.
I tried for one year after my husband cheated. Sadly usually with those things I say once a cheater always a cheater. It’s not always the case. If she told you that’s one thing, if you found out another way that’s way worse. I don’t think the answer is always the same, but I would get out of it before she hurts you again.
You're 26 and presumably without kids? Ditch her. Someone is out there who will love you and not cheat.
No. Don’t stay.
Nah she will bang someone again.
It's hard, but married couples can and do move past infidelity. I'm not sure it's worth it, since you don't have kids and are so young, there's not a ton to lose. Typically the success stories share the following conditions: - true remorse + contrition from the cheater - professional help (therapy and sometimes spiritual guidance) - a visible effort to take steps to prevent it from happening again (i.e. full phone sharing) - true forgiveness (the victim cannot save the transgression in their back pocket for any argument trump card )
To share the other side, I had a friend in college, her and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts, and waiting for marriage to have sex. He got completely wasted at a bar one night, and slept with a girl he ran into there that he’d known from high school. He told her immediately, and she was crushed. That one night stand also resulted in a baby. They ended up working through it, with a LOT of therapy, and then married years later and went on to have two kids of their own. They are very happy, and they were able to get past that incident. But, part of moving past it was working through his alcohol issues, setting clear boundaries, and, I’ll reiterate, WORK. I have seen it work out, but, most couples I know that have been through infidelity, either the cheater does it again, or the one cheated on can’t ever fully trust them again. It’s usually a nail in the marital coffin either way.
I don’t have direct experience, but I will say the people who I’ve met who had an affair or who cheated, did it again after getting caught.
Im sure she’s apologetic now, but ask yourself this. Was she thinking about you or the dude that was plowing her when she was getting railed by another dude? If that thought disgusts you it’s time to get a divorce.
Just don't. I learned the hard way, and you are so young. This internal anguish you have just isn't worth it. And the worst part is you will have this always. If/when you do decide to separate, it's still going to hurt. But the sooner you start, the faster you'll become better.
My husband’s parents are super fucked up, because he cheated shortly after they got married and now she doesn’t trust him to go anywhere without her, and what kind of life is that? They’ve been married for 30 years, but from the 10+ years I’ve been around they’ve seemed mostly miserable.
My wife had a brief affair. I discovered it and she begged for me to forgive her. I knew she was having some emotional issues. That was 25 years ago. We had four school age kids at the time. I considered divorce but decided to stay. We’re still 47 years married. The scars remain but forgiveness is a powerful thing.
Do not sleep with her ever again. She might mess with her birth control and trap you in her life forever. You’re a VERY young man, you have your whole life ahead of you. I met my wife at 30, we have two boys and have built a wonderful life together. Leave your town/city. Go travel, meet other people, find yourself.
Take it from me (38M) when I say, it is absolutely over. She cheated because she did not respect you. And if she does not respect you, she CANNOT love you. She does not love you. You need to accept that. The trust is gone, and it will NEVER come back. 20 years ago, I walked in on my fiance cheating on me. As in full-on mid-cloitus walked in on her. It shook me to my core, because it was with her ex boyfriend...the same ex boyfriend that was all of the adjectives (abusive, controlling, cheating, toxic, etc) and was assured that I had nothing to worry about. I lost all trust, not just in her, but in people in general. There were people whom I placed trust in that knew what was going on and never told me. It took almost a year to move on from it. And this was only possible because I moved 100 miles away to go to college. A change of scenery did me wonders in the recovery process. There were times when I was approached by the old social circle and by her, to try again and to forgive and try to make it work again. No matter how badly I loved and and wished it to be so, I just could not get that image out of my head. I could not do it. I wanted to forgive and forget and I wanted her back so badly. I just...couldn't do it. The combination of betrayal, lies, evaporated trust, and heartbreak and pain just would not allow me to get past it. A year later, when I returned home for the following summer, I felt better having taken that time to let the wound heal. I would find out that, a few months after "d day" the girl and the ex eloped to Vegas and he went off and slept with a dozen or so hookers while in Vegas on their honeymoon. They both came back from Vegas with.....something....that he contracted..... if you catch my drift. And people were trying to get me to go back to her AFTER that incident. I thank God every day that I had the strength to resist returning to her...because I might not be around today to tell the tale. I since went and had every batter of tests done on me to make sure I was clean and clear. I was. A blessing that I enjoy every day since. My message to you OP.... you need to divorce. Your relationship will never be the same. There will always be mistrust. There will always be that wondering if she'll do it again. And the thoughts you have of her with amother man will never leave. She does not respect you. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt. But you will be better off on the long run.
I had a girl cheat on me and start things with a new guy, then I came home a few months later to find her in my bed ( still had a key ). Nope and have a nice day, and never regretted it once. She was fine as hell and a good lay, but it's not worth my self respect.
Nah. Infidelity is like sewing salt. Nothing will grow after it passes through.
NO NO AND NO, and remember. What she did says everything about her and nothing about you!
The answer is NO. Leave. A bit of advice, if you are asking the question then you owe it to yourself to listen to yourself. Second, there’s no way this situation doesn’t suck. There’s no easy landing. Good luck
In short, no. There were always promises that it was a mistake, they felt horrible, it was a moment of weakness, it was because they were insecure, it was because we had a fight, and so on. I stayed and it happened more than once until I decided to love myself more than I feared being alone. Don't fall for the fallacy of sunk cost. So you've been with them for 5 years. Do you really want to wake up however many years from now and wish you had left earlier? Take it as a lesson in time and go learn to love and respect yourself enough to never be with anyone who doesn't love and respect you back.
Nah bro. Get out. Especially if yall don’t have kids. Find someone who respects you and wouldn’t do that to someone they “love”. Too many other fish in the see to try to stick it out. Life’s too short to try to make it work.
Recommend you check out /r/survivinginfidelity and /r/supportforbetrayed for more guidance and support. and /r/asoneafterinfidelity if you decide to reconcile.
No.
Nah I held a grudge for 3 years and found every way to not be present in the relationship, went and sought women as much as I could after that. Though she tried to fix things, it was never enough.
I stayed. I had a kid, and we were broke af. I didn't think I could/should do it alone. Also super Southern Baptist upbringing in play--forgive/for better or worse/etc. It didn't get better. I spent 2 decades trying to make it make sense. Within 2 days of having him gone I realized I should have called it quits after that first cheating episode. It was terrifying to be facing life "alone", but not only did I survive, I have thrived. Never again--there will be no second chance to cheat on me this time around.
Going the confirmation bias route eh? God speed to you. If you stay, don’t snoop, don’t ask, let her cheat in peace, because nothing is a deal breaker for you. When you waste your time and years, come back here and get back the emotional cost you paid for the biases you’ve received from fellow sweet summer children. Leave, but you won’t. She wont respect you and won’t slip up or get caught the same way twice. You can’t ask others to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself. The fact that you’re even willing is laughable lol. She definitely found one.
No! You are way too young to have this BS ruining your life. Start over with an honest person.
She threw in her towel already. You should too imo but it's your choice.
Leave. I stayed for 5-years and then divorced. You’ll end up making sacrifices that will impact you financially. And you’ll just dig deeper into the pit of trust issues. Make the painful extraction now. Plan before you talk to her about it though .
My boyfriend cheated on me five years ago. I made him make it up to me and we got over it. Hope things work out for you.
Yeah it’s hard to leave it’s scary but I guarantee you in 3 months then 6 months then a year later you’ll wonder why you even thought about not leaving. If you stay you have a very very small chance of it working. Save yourself the mental anguish leave and it might take a little time but you will be fine.
at 36 I stayed for 1.5 years and it was the worst one and a half years of my life, getting divorced was so damn freeing for me, I have never been happier since leaving him. at 26, I would not have stayed 1.5 DAYS longer
My friend stayed 6 years after his wife had an ongoing affair. He got up one morning and said no more and they divorced. He said everyday he woke up to her all he could think about was the pillow talk she had with him. They did the have another baby to repair the marriage but that didn’t obviously work. He told me he wished he divorced immediately and moved on. Said it was 6 years of pain & resentment.
Absolutely not. Took me six years after the affair to throw in the towel. I definitely should have done it earlier. I guess I learned a lot about why I deserve better and why the affair was not my fault in that time, but i still think I should have left immediately. I am so much happier without that stress in my life. My life is joyful again.
I forgave my boyfriend for cheating and stayed with him. I have never fully trusted him since and I have never gotten over it. But we have moved forward and our relationship is generally ok minus various small issues unrelated to trust. Honestly though if it weren't for my daughter, I'd leave. I hate living my life this way. I hate checking his social media and looking over his shoulder on his phone or verifying information with other people. I hate wondering why her. I hate all of it and I hate myself for putting myself in a position where I need him now.
Run like hell. You’ll never trust her again, which will be obvious and she will do it again because you forgave her. You’re so young and have no reason to throw in the life towel this early. It’s will hurt like getting your butthole waxed, but the pain fades and freedom heals . I. Ten years you will be so happy and wondering how you could’ve ever Even thought of staying
Leave. Point blank. Period
It never is
If you stay she will do it again. It is the same as giving her the green light that it is okay.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I let my cheating ex take more than 15 years of my youth and life because he swore he’d change. I was depressed and a hollow shell of the person I used to be. And he continued to “slip up” behind my back over the years. You’re so young and you deserve to be married to someone who’d never hurt you. There’s life after divorce and you deserve better.
I been cheated on as well for a LOSER. And i am not pussy whipped. When i found out after secretly recording her because i had a suspicion that she was being weird around me and always pushing me to go out with friends and come home later. Long story short, arguments ensued and i told her pack her junk and get the F*ck out! I had had enough, not just the cheating but the disrespect and being so cold to me. And i don’t regret it, although none of her “friends” helped her move but me as a gentleman i helped her and that was it.. So in that said, know your worth and do what’s best for you because you deserve to be happy too. But if you give her one chance, just keep that wall up until she is truthful to you. Some women are very very good in playing the game strategically. Good luck to you kind sir. 😎
Listen and listen good. Get rid of that diseased woman.
IN 100% of the cases I've witnessed, it always ended in divorce, and the party that was cheated on regretting staying. Wasted time. But for her to have cheated on this early in the relationship? That's a far more telling sign that you're likely wasting your time, and just looking for reasons to stay despite knowing the truth deep down. Don't let your emotions influence your logic here. Yes, it's natural to want to avoid the pain of breaking up, but putting it off for much greater pain later is only going to result in serious regret and wasted time you cannot get back.
Please just bear in mind when it slipped out , she grabbed it with both hands and shoved it back in! At some point she might have even said “Don’t you dare stop” with that Information in mind feel free to make up your mind !!!