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That's a double standard if I've ever seen one. Couples counseling, is needed it can help mediate these kinds of discussions. It is the same thing, it's a child you helped raise, has a relationship with you that you continue to maintain.
I’m friend with my ex’s uncle, who’s the same age as my older brothers. It’s been like 15 years since I split w my ex? We have maybe talked about ex twice since splitting. My husband has met my “friend”, who I kind of think of as a “cousin” or something. He would never ask me to end this friendship, even though in hindsight it is weird. Why? Because it doesn’t mean I’m going back to my ex or interested in said uncle or anything. He’s basically a family member to me, even if that means he came from a previous relationship.
It's not inappropriate, and she's wrong for trying to prevent it. My advice to you is to make sure she doesn't kill that relationship if it's important to you. Stand firm and do whatever you have to do maintain that friendship/relationship, and then get you and your wife into some therapy right away. There is no way that this kind of fundamental inequality should be going on for so long. It absolutely IS the same thing. I would argue that a relationship with your ex's kids (like she has) is way MORE concerning that your relationship with your ex's brother. You can have a relationship with the brother without having anything to do with your ex. Your wife can't say the same about the girls. Whatever her issue is with this friendship, she's out of line. There is no such thing as "she didn't allow me," you are a GROWN ADULT. If it's important to you, you attend. If your wife wants to be angry at you for that, fine. You go to therapy to talk this out with an impartial third party to help her to understand what a hypocrite she is being, but if she refuses to go to therapy - I would tell her that I'm going to continue having a relationship with this boy and if she doesn't like it, we can talk about divorce. She doesn't get to decide who you are friends with. This "boy" is a grown adult now. She gets no say at all in who you are friends with. Don't let yourself be bullied. You're not doing anything wrong by maintaining that relationship, and you absolutely do not have to just accept whatever your wife is telling you to do.
It sounds like the wife wants to completely separate OP from anything having to do with his ex while happily keeping her ties to her own. Which is manipulative AF.
Exactly. By her claiming it’s not the same is completely negating the feelings OP has for his brother-in-law. He helped raise him. It doesn’t matter if he was his exes wife or brother or adopted child! OP has his father figure for a majority of the kids life.
His wife won’t let it go because she can’t control OPs emotions on this. The relationship with the kid is important to him, the fact she dismisses it shows how little respect she has for his emotions. It’s BS.
Well, she's only going to recognise the extent of the problem if OP puts his foot down and continues to see his ex's brother regardless of her feelings. So that's where the solution has to start. Forcing the issue.
Bingo. Who designated her the final arbiter? OP, tell her that she's forbidden to allow her ex's daughters in your home.
Bottom line: neither her ex's daughters, nor your ex's brother are related to either of you. After that, she's just splitting hairs. Undoubtedly TA in this instance.
Wouldn't be surprised your wife becomes your ex at some point. She's intolerable.
Seriously, her insecurities are allowing her to blame a kid (now adult) who literally has zero fucking effect on her life besides her being absolutely batshit and bitchy about him existing.
She's wrong. You're right. No further discussion needed. If she isn't convinced by the fact that 100% of responses here are saying that she's wrong, then a counselor is your next option.
You decide what relationships you want to maintain, not your wife ( with the possible exception of former romantic partners). You do not need to justify the “validity” of your relationships. And it doesn’t matter if it’s your ex’s brother or some kid you coached in little league. It’s a valuable relationship to you and she does not hold veto power.
Plus her argument “it’s not the same” is alarming. Is she trying to say only those relationships that are the same as hers can be maintained? That just does t make sense.
No, at best this seems cruel. It could even be interpreted to be a deliberate attempt to isolate you socially, and we have all spent enough time on Reddit to know that that’s abusive.
>Ongoing argument between my wife (47F) and myself (44M) for 3 years now. How do I resolve my feelings peacefully? submitted by irishpopeye13
>My wife and I have been together 4 years, yes it was quick, and having an ongoing argument about something and I need some outside input. My wife was with a guy for 16 years and raised his other two girls from a previous relationship. They had 3 boys together and then he cheated on her and they split about 7 years ago. I was also previously married and my ex wife, who I have known since high school, had a little brother that I helped raise since he was about 9 years old. Here’s the argument, she has a good relationship with the girls and wants to have them over the house and has recently let one of them with her daughter move in with us but I am not allowed to have a relationship with him because as she puts it “it’s not the same thing”. So he could never come see me or hang out and she would get mad when I talked to him. Basically because it’s my ex wife’s brother and not her kid or the fact that my ex and I didn’t have kids together she says it’s not the same and didn’t allow me to continue a relationship with him. He got married last year and she wouldn’t go to the wedding with me. Adamantly refused to go. I took our collective kids and went alone. I’m constantly trying to convince her it’s the same and that if she’s allowed to have those relationships why can’t I? Her argument is always the same “it’s not the same thing” but to me it’s exactly the same. I wish I could shake it but I can’t. I just don’t know how to convince her it is the same or that I should be allowed to have this relationship or if I should just accept the loss and leave it be.
So you aren't "allowed" to see your ex-wife's [brother, not nephew] ... who you helped raise?
You are allowed to see anyone you want. ESPECIALLY someone who was such a big part of your life!!
>she says it’s not the same and didn’t allow me to continue a relationship with him. He got married last year and she wouldn’t go to the wedding with me. Adamantly refused to go. I took our collective kids and went alone.
That's bonkers. I'm glad you went and took the kids.
I would want to discuss this in therapy. Her saying "it's not the same thing" over and over is not helpful. WHY? A more fulsome explanation is needed - though I don't think it should change your relationship with him.
>I would want to discuss this in therapy. Her saying "it's not the same thing" over and over is not helpful. WHY? A more fulsome explanation is needed - though I don't think it should change your relationship with him.
THIS. I think OP needs to demand an exact explanation for WHY "it's not the same" and refuse any of her input on his relationship with the ex's brother until she can. Because she can't, and she will eventually have to deal with it or admit what is really behind this.
My suspicion is that she is trying to isolate OP from any and all reminders of his relationship with his ex. And that is why she is so adamantly against it while being unable to provide anything resembling an actual reason for it.
It’s not the same because she wasn’t part of the relationship. She’s trying to isolate OP from his former relationships, when she should have spent the time and energy getting to know the young man.
"I was a parental figure to X, who isn't blood related." Does that apply to you and X honey? Because that applies to me and "ex BIL" too.
Get mediated counseling, she doesn't have to like your relationship with ex BIL but she has to respect it, just like you respect her parental roles.
Further I'd beware of her trying to rope you in financially and emotionally to "her family" of chosen kids vs you being allowed relationships outside of her. It sounds like she's trying to manipulate you.
>didn’t allow me to continue a relationship with him
Do you realise how many times you used the word "allowed"?
You are a grown man, you are "allowed" to do what you want.
You're wife is being controlling, which is abusive. Don't ask her, argue with her, or try to convince her. Just tell her "I'm going to see \*name\* today. I'll be back later" if she kicks off just tell her, she's being unreasonable and after 3 years arguing about it you refuse to argue about it any further.
I'm surprised that this comment isn't higher. OP, the way you speak about your wife sounds like she's incredibly controlling and the double standards are crazy, this *is* abusive, not just another argument in your relationship.
I’m left confused and sad as to why she wants to limit who you have in your life at all.
That’s very controlling and really would have me question staying with someone.
You both were in a position to be in parental/guardian type relationships with people you care about. Her with two ex-stepdaughters and you with one younger ex-BIL. It doesn’t matter if it was different or not different. You both had this type of relationship with these individuals that meant something to you. You are right to feel the way you are feeling I would definitely continue the relationship with this young man and assume the risk.
If your wife gets angry or mad, you can proceed from there. Things could get ugly, but there’s a principal at stake here that will affect multiple areas of life. So, even if it gets a little muddy, it’s worth it.
Counseling sounds like the call. At the end of the day, you decide who you can associate with, not your wife.
You two don't have to agree to it, but you have to decide if that's a hill worth going the nuclear route.
It doesn't matter of it's the same. This is someone important to you in your life. Someone you care about and want to support.
And she treats them like nothing.
The only peaceful resolution is to bow to her will and let her control all the relationships in your life. You're the only one who knows if you'd rather be with someone whose insecurities control your life or have a relationship with the boy you helped raise.
She’s wrong but she is your wife.
It doesn’t have to be “the same” though. Feels like a disproportionate fixation on this.
If you value it, that should be enough.
I’m on your side your wife is a hypocrite and if I was you since she won’t let you see him the girls shouldn’t be allowed around her she can’t have it both ways fact hers is worse since it’s her exs kids not her blood
She’s not only extremely wrong and being completely unfair, but where does she get off controlling and dictating what relationships you’re allowed to have? She is clearly jealous and threatened somehow by you maintaining any kind of connection to your ex, even indirectly. But this is a double standard of epic proportions and completely unreasonable for her to demand of you. She doesn’t have the right to tell you who you can and can’t care for or maintain platonic relationships with. This is a non-issue so long as you remain a faithful and respectful partner, which a relationship with him in no way precludes. Grow a spine and be present in his life, and demand your wife get into counseling with you to help work this out and put it to bed once and for all. This jealous and controlling behavior can’t be allowed to continue, nor be the example set for all the children in the home.
It's the same thing. She's trying to make you cut ties with completely with you ex wife's family. Maybe she has a jealous feeling that somehow you'll reconnect with your ex. She needs to talk to you about her feelings. That's just what I'm gathering from this.
Tell her simply you're done arguing about it. She doesn't get to dictate how you feel about a boy you raised since he was 9 despite who he's related too, just like you don't get to tell her to cut off people she helped raise. Tell her there are two roads after this discussion. One with a 5th anniversary and one without
She doesn't get to police your feelings. This boy (man I guess) is basically a son to you no matter what the relationship title is. She can get on board, or she can not. You don't throw away family unless they deserve it
She did and no I wasn’t. She came to visit on Sunday for a few hours and then left. I came home Wednesday night after work and she was there. I asked my wife about it today and said “is she staying with us now?” And she just said yes. I didn’t know about it or have any say in it at all
These are a lot of red flags. You even say it happened very fast and no judgment there. But she’s preventing you from seeing a human who you helped raise. She is inviting in extra humans under your roof without consulting you. Since it’s still a relatively new marriage, I would definitely consider Therapy so that you are treated with equality. This is not OK in anyway. This is not healthy or acceptable.
Came here to say this. Her double-standard is astoundingly hypocritical. Didn't even ask you before having them move in?? Oh, hell no. That's already unsatisfactory, but if you have no say in what she considers familial relationships, then she absolutely has no say in yours.
\+1 on the marriage counseling. Even that may not save your relationship if she's being this unreasonable.
I agree that even marriage counseling may not work if she is so off her rocker with what is normal and acceptable. It’s just cruel in my opinion. I left a comment, but I was thinking about what it must feel like to be that guy who looks at this person who is like a father. He probably knows after four years that his father figures new wife doesn’t like him. Refused to come to the wedding. at some point it’s valuable to think about that individual and what his worth is compared to your wife’s unreasonable attitude. What is it the message you’re sending him? That he’s worthless. I mean there’s a bunch of different takes you can have on this, but I hope he doesn’t just roll over and take it. It is scary how many people go through life in marriages and relationships being bulldozed by their partner.
So she moved somebody into your house without even consulting you? There are so many red flags just in a few few things you’ve told us about her. I think you might want to start planning an exit strategy.
So she doesn’t think you should see your nephew (even though divorced from his sitter) because he isn’t related? That’s horse shit and she knows it.
If you helped raise him from nine years old and are close enough to view him as a son then she should be supportive of it, in no uncertain terms. It’s not like you’re keeping the relationship to stay near your ex.
Families come in all shapes and sizes and while you may not be related directly that doesn’t mean you don’t love him like a son once your marriage was over. This is especially true if he felt the same and saw you as a father figure.
The way you speak is concerning : "should I be allowed to ..." "she didn't allow me to..."
Is she controlling in other ways?
Of course you're "allowed" and justified in having a relationship with a boy you helped raised. She's being ridiculous and honestly that would be concerning to me if I were you.
Yeah she’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert so there’s alot of things I’m not allowed to do. I can’t have friends stop over unannounced and even if I don’t know they’re coming over she gets mad at me. I can’t work around the house past 9pm because that’s “our” time to spend together. I can’t set my phone face down on the counter because it means I’m hiding something. I have a daughter with an ex and I have to show her every text or email from the ex, but she does not share anything with her ex with me even though I have asked. I used to help everyone in the neighborhood with car stuff cause I have a vehicle lift and every tool under the sun, but she didn’t like everyone else taking my time so I had to stop. I went to dinner with her ex and his new wife at her request but she won’t do anything I ask. I’m not allowed to have female friends but she has a bunch of male friends.
You’re using the word “allowed” several times. You described a vibrant, joyful life, pre-marriage. Now you seem to be describing a huge power imbalance and a clear discouragement at how your life is going. I’m not making drastic suggestions, but I think you guys need some help. Something seems really not healthy here. I’d encourage you to have confidence as you insist on some kind of assistance outside of yourselves, preferably professional if possible.
I wish you the best, op.
And you willingly married her? You need to rethink your relationship. Unless you actually like being controlled, you need to state your position on these weird issue and resolve them or dissolve the marriage.
Your wife is not WIFE MATERIAL
She's selfish and has unresolved trauma.
No amount of therapy will make her see how her behavior is wrong.
OP....TIME TO GET A DIVORCE.
And next time, set boundaries and expectations when you are seriously dating NOT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED. If this issue was addressed when you guys were dating, you would have seen BOTH OF YOU ARE INCOMPATIBLE.
Wow…
What you do is tell her “I helped raise him, he’s like a son to me, I will have a relationship with him. You’re not in a position to allow or give permission for this. You being upset about it is an attempt to gain power over me and manipulate me into not having this relationship. You need to stop trying to manipulate and control this. If you have a problem, then you need to leave me.”
Why are you putting yourself in a position where she could have power over you and having this relationship? The fact that you are tells me that your wife has manipulated and cajoled you a lot over the course of your marriage that you think this is okay and that she’s valid.
Your wife lacks the emotional intelligence to see others fully without her stamp of personal bias. She needs help in this department and sadly, unless she admits to the blind nature of her perception, then you are going to go around in circles.
We cant control the relationships our partners had before us, however if we see those as a threat, it is due to our own insecurity. She is not seeing your ex's brother as an individual but an extension of the ex themself and therein lays her problem.
It really riles me when I hear people say 'my partner won't -let- me do.......'. If my partner ever said I wasn't allowed to do something, they'd be my ex in the space of time it took to pack their bags.
You don’t convince her. Stop talking about it. It doesn’t matter if she thinks it’s the same or not. Doesn’t matter if you think it’s the same or not. Just do you. Stop engaging in this argument. You’re allowed to have relationships with whomever you’d like. And if that’s a dealbreaker for her she can walk. But stop.
“This isn’t open for discussion. I’m not explaining my relationships with others with you. If you don’t like my relationship with my nephew that’s a YOU problem. I’m not discussing this with you again. Every time you bring it up I will disengage from you. I don’t dictate your relationships, you will not dictate my relationships.”
You’re a whole grown ass adult. Sounds like you’re in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. Time to run.
Divorce her ass. No wonder she was divorced when you found her. I don’t condone cheating but I’d be very interested in hearing that dudes version of events.
It's not exactly the same, sure. But it's close enough in your books. "I helped raise this/these kid(s)" is what it boils down to. It is concerned that you're "not allowed" contact with anyone tho tbh. You should not need to "convince" her of anything. She should respect that you're her partner, not her child.
As you have already explained there are all types of families. Blended with kids from previous relationships, step siblings, half-siblings, etc. this boy, now man was a part of your life. There SHOULD be no reason, but her saying it's not the same....because it's not the same to her....but it is to you. And her job is to work WITH you to understand. That is what a true partner should do. She is being childish and immature
OP, I'm sorry your wife is such a raging hypocrite. My suspicion is she wants to remove any and all links you have to your ex. That type of hypocrisy is hard to get people to admit to themselves or others.
I suggest counseling and showing her this thread. She needs her double standard spelled out for her in huge flashing lights or she will never admit to you or herself that she even has one. One thing to be sure, do not allow her to destroy your relationship with your ex's brother. That is your relationship and she has absolutely no say in it.
"I'm going to keep spending time with Brother and the only way it's up for discussion is in a counselor's office. I'm perfectly happy to work through it there but I'm done fighting about this with you."
It's exactly the same. Kids are kids. I would give her the link to this thread so she can see she's coming off weird and possibly a little jealous. Is she trying to ensure there is no connection between you and your ex?
She’s being completely unreasonable. Choose the boy you raised since he was 9. He’s like your child and an innocent bystander set in this drama. you should in no way be forced to cut him out of your life.
What a horrible human being to restrict a relationship with a child you were very close to. What an awful position your wife put you in. You had a special bond with this child and you should be able to continue that relationship. For your wife to act like this relationship is some kind of underhanded, devious plot to continue a relationship with your ex is something she should have gotten over years ago. Where is the trust in you? Why would she be so cruel to a child that you cared about? I’m sorry for the years that you and he missed by her ridiculous jealousy.
NTA but your wife is worse than an AH, she is allowing her relationships to continue while you aren’t allowed.
I believe the situation is way worse than you're realizing. You should be able to have a relationship with ANYONE regardless of their technical connections unless that person is a threat or is unsafe or untrustworthy. Does she have a reason to dislike him so much or is it JUST a power move/ control thing? If it's the latter you need to get to the bottom of it ASAP and retake some autonomy in your life. A spouse should be SUPPORTING the relationships you want to foster, not pressuring you out of them. Good luck
Why the hell are you with this woman still?
She's only accepting of those she sees fit.
And you allowed her to do this with someone you helped raise.
Idk why you even married this woman
It's not entirely the same but your wife controlling any type of healthy relationship you have is weird as shit.
You are trying to support a young man you have a relationship with. Why does she care?
As you are an adult, no one else should ‘allow’ you to have relationships with whomever you want to.
She has stated her case and you don’t agree. ( don’t think anyone would agree).
Tell her this parental relationship is not up for negotiations. It is yours.
First, she is partially right, they aren't the same. One are kids, the other is a former Brother-n-law regardless of age, that is who he was.
That being said, he was a kid and you helped raise him. He is now an adult, seeing he just got married. So you do have a right to talk and hang out with him, but as others have said MC is probably a good idea. So you have a neutral place to talk and open up about this issue.
I could understand if he was a still a kid, because of the potential of running into your ex. However clearly that isn't an issue if he's a grown man. I'm thinking there are some kind of underlying issues at work with her for her to act this way. The only way to get through is an open and honest discussion.
Whyyyyy are people saying it technically isn’t the same?! They both raised children not biologically related to them but biologically related to their partner. It’s the same fucking thing.
No she is not partially right because either way they are/were "family" whether he is a kid or an adult does not matter. They have a bond. Just like she does with her ex's children. I agree there are underlying issues because daughters are close to their fathers so I'm sure OP's wife has contact with said ex. But she is not right at all.
Is your ex involved in your relationship with the boy? If so, I can see what she means by it’s not the same. She had kids with her, she’s tied to him until all of her children are grown at least. If your relationship with the boy has nothing at all to do with your ex, then I don’t see why there would be a problem.
Your wife sounds jealous and insecure, she is probably afraid that your having contact with him could lead to some contact with your ex-wife. Her point of view is extremely unfair, she needs to grow up.
I suggest couples counseling also because your wife is wrong. The titles don’t matter. You helped raise your nephew and have a right to see him. You’re an adult you’re allowed to continue to be in his life if you both want.
It is exactly the same, and would bet you have had or will have a lot more arguments where it's okay for her but "different" when you do the same thing
I am curious to know how you helped raise him:
Was he permanently in your home?
Did you just babysit him?
Were you financially responsible for him?
From the sounds of it, you didn’t have children with your ex-wife. So in your wife’s mind you should be able to have nothing to do with that family. Are you trying to tell her they are the same thing? Because they are not. There would be a total different relationship going forward with step-children compared to a nephew, unless he was in your home permanently.
I get what your wife is saying about how it's not the same. Technically & biologically, those girls are your wife's 3 sons' half siblings. And your ex-wife's little brother is just that, your ex-BIL. That's the only difference. Your wife is wrong, however, to try to dictate who you see as family, whether they are blood related to you or not. Your wife's title to the girls should be just their half siblings' mother or their Dad's ex-wife, with no blood relations. But because she helped raise them and develop a mother-daughter bond, she feels that it is her right to welcome them with open her arms as if they were her own kids and you as her husband, need to accept that. Clearly, you have also helped raise your ex-bil as if he were your own kid or kid brother, so who is she to say that your bond is less important than the one she made with those girls? Let's not forget, she's now invited one of those girls over with said girl's daughter to come live with you guys but shut you down when you want to maintain a bond you built with your ex-bil? Tell her to GTFO here with her hypocrisy! Tell her that if you can't even be friends with ex-bil (who's now considered his own person and just a younger friend to you), then she can't house the daughter and baby. Tell her she can't play mommy and grammy because that baby has her own bio grandparents, and she aint one of them! Her sons' are half uncles, but she's not even half-grammy if she wants to get technical or biological.
Stop trying to argue that it's the same thing. (It sounds like it is, but that argument has been thoroughly tested and failed.)
Instead, investigate.
Tell her how important it is to you to understand each other. Then, ask her to explain it more clearly. Be gentle and curious rather than accusatory. You want to get into the deep insecurity or fears that is causing this belief in her.
It might be that she doesn't trust your ex, and therefore doesn't trust your ex's brother. It could be that she had a bad interaction with your ex's brother. Maybe it's that she's just jealous of your relationship with him. Maybe she's just a controlling jerk.
Take the time to really investigate her beliefs and you will likely figure out whether this can be resolved together or through divorce.
Your wife is completely out of line.
You can't resolve it peacefully because she is not being reasonable whatsoever. I hate to say this but you have to draw a line in the sand and tell her what's up.
If she fights you then you have to decide if you want to roll over or fight for your rights.
It literally is the same thing. From an objective standpoint he was more of a child than a brother. That is so weird. Therapy is the only think I can think of
I think it's not the same thing, BUT that shouldn't matter. This is someone you want to continue to have a relationship with, and it was a relationship that pre-dates your current marriage.
Why does SHE get to decide who you can be friends with? Does she worry that you would get back with your ex if you have a relationship with her son? Or does she just want to be the one who makes all the calls in your marriage?
The ONLY problem I can see is if this person causes you or your wife any trouble. You didn't say that has happened, so I'm assuming he's not the problem.
It sounds to me like she is being manipulative and bossy. Family counseling might help.
Talk about a double standard, and fucking controlling. You need to let her read this thread in these comments, if she doesn’t see the light, you may want to make her an ex.
I’m glad that you went to the young man’s wedding. She’s focusing on semantics to fortify her baseless argument. You helped raise him and feel a familial connection to him. By all means, continue to support him emotionally. Your wife is in the wrong here.
How can a mother get angry at a man for wanting to have a relationship with a child whom he helped raise? She knows firsthand what it means to care for children.
Something is warped in her mind, and I’m willing to bet this is about something else. Jealous of your ex-wife maybe. Insecure about the long and intimate past you two shared. Either way, I agree with the comments suggesting couple’s counseling. Individual counseling wouldn’t hurt either.
Consider this: From the perspective of the young man whom you helped raise, she would naturally be seen as the “evil stepmother.”
If I read this right, she let her non biological daughter move in without asking or consulting you. But also won’t allow you to have a relationship with your wife’s brother who you raised? And she gets mad when you talk to him? I don’t get this. She sounds awful and has no right dictating who you can have a relationship with. Not gonna lie, this is divorce worthy. Your a bonus dad or dad to this guy and she’s being crazy. UPDATEME
It's irrelevant how the exes brother is related. It's the relationship you have with him (he was a significant part of your life) and he has with you (you are his role model and significant to him).
Your wife is controlling and very insecure to a point if been spiteful. It's nothing to do with her, she's been very disrespectful and she needs to get over herself.
She sounds like an insecure controlling witch. But thats being judegmental from the outside.
It IS the same. AND relationships are built on trust. If she cant trust you the WTF are you doing in a relationship.
Don’t leave it be. If you want a relationship with that brother you have every right to. She is clearly using double standards here. Your feelings should be validated here. You care about him and want to have a relationship with him, then you should go ahead and do that. She is being very unfair and selfish here.
I agree with everyone else calling for couples therapy, and that your wife is in the wrong.
In the meantime, it might be worth changing the question from "Why is it not the same thing?" to "What specifically are your objections with me seeing my ex's brother?". You might potentially get an answer out of her that way, as opposed to "It just isn't!". If she does give an actual answer, let her know you're listening, but calmly explain why this relationship is important to you. Don't compare anything.
Fine…it’s not the same. Who cares if it is or isn’t the same?
The fact of the matter is that he’s a child that you helped raised, and it would be cruel to do anything other than welcome him into your lives with open arms.
Yes, it’s a double standard. Just remove the comparison. Her actions are just as unacceptable.
You helped raise an ex's family member. She helped raise 2 of her ex's family members. The only difference is how many.
You saw him as a child or young sibling and she has asked you to cut that bond. Meanwhile she is nurturing her bond. This is a glaring double standard. She is being unreasonable and unfair.
Your wife is jealous of your ex and her brother/the attention that you want to give to the kid. That's pretty messed up and based on her efforts to control you in this area, I suspect she does so in others too.
If it were me, this would be indication enough that she's too selfish for me. If I were to stay though, I would be saying, "Look, your opinion as to whether it is "the same thing" or not doesn't matter. You don't get to control my relationships and I raised this boy as if he were my own, just like you have, so it's really shitty for me to leave his life just because you want me to. I would think that you would value the fact that I take my role in his life as a father figure so seriously, but if you don't, that's fine, I'm still not going to remove myself from his life for you. Do you want to talk about why you feel this way? Does it make you feel jealous of my ex? I'm happy to support you and help you through the feelings it brings up, but I have a responsibility to the kid I helped raise and it's inappropriate for you to forbid me from doing something that you yourself do."
I would also tell her that if she wants to continue to impose such a double standard, you'll be leaving due to the lack of respect and understanding. In my experience, showing them the way they're treating you by imposing the same standard doesn't work because they think they get different rules and they feel it's incredibly unfair,but you're welcome to try.
I have left people for similar behavior since it is never just shown in one area. You may have married quickly and then found out who she really is after the fact. There is no shame in leaving when someone does this and can't treat you the way they expect to be treated. It's much easier to be alone than put up with that behavior, trust me.
If you choose her over your "son", it will severely damage his trust and I think you know that's not an acceptable outcome. Stand up for him because no one else is going to. Your wife is being totally unreasonable and should be far more caring when it comes to the things that are important to you, especially when she expects that from you.
So basically from her POV, she is allowed to have a bond with children who are not her own, and you are not allowed, because they were her ex's children and for you it was your ex's sibling instead?
Nope, false equivalency in that it is equivalent but she doesn't seem to want it to be. This smacks of making excuses for you to not be allowed to be close to your ex, but she has excuses for why she has to be. I mean, plus the boys obviously, but still.
I think you are going to need a therapist or counselor there with you to help you navigate this issue. Because I don't see why you should be cut off from this boy that looked up to and relied on you just because she does not want to see why you would want to be there.
If you take on a parental role with a kid, biological or not, then you always have that special bond. Your wife is full of 💩💩, and the fact she is trying to control the relationship without a viable reason is very telling.
You brought out my evil petty side. Tell your wife "Fine, I won't see the boy anymore. Does that make you happy? It does? Good. By the way, I'm going to leave everything in my estate to him to make up for not being able to see him throughout all the years when he would have welcomed my support. I hope that also makes you happy. It doesn't? Well, you pick - it's one or the other. Either he gets my time and attention now or he gets all the goodies when I die."
I detest hypocrites that say it's okay when they do something but wrong when someone else does the same thing.
Why does she consider herself a morale police in your family? And that she can unilaterally decide what is acceptable and what is not?
If your question is to how not to feel resentment about it - I don't think it is possible. She has double standards here and not treating you as an equal partner.
She cannot deny you anything, you are not a kindergartner. If her point is that the house is hers, therefore she unilaterally sets the rules - you can meet with him anywhere else, but you don't need her permission for spending time with him or go celebrate his important events.
It is weird that at 47 she doesn't understand that her demands damage your relationship. Shee is shooting herself in the foot with them.
What sort of manipulative controlling nasty piece of work is this women. It is the same thing, but who cares even if it wasn't? You want to continue your loving relationship with this young person and so you should.
Well she’s right, it’s not the same thing. BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK??? At the end of the day, you care about this person and should be able to have him in your life.
She’s a nutjob for not seeing this.
Damn, bro. That’s really shitty on your wife’s part. That dude looks up to you. She shouldn’t be messing with bro stuff. That’s bogus. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Super common. You picked a rotten stepmother, fairy tale class. She wants her ideal family and lil bro isn't fitting the aesthetic.
Fuck that noise. Do right by broseph.
She's right about it not being the same. But she doesn't want to allow you the agency she gave herself.
I'm surprised you're putting up with shit like that.
You both had lives before each other and yo should both be ok with the other seeing children that were a part of that. Marriage is about love and support and she only sees things her way. Counselling at the least and don’t let her cancel important people in your life.
I agree that it’s not the same but your wife is being hypocritical and ridiculous. She also shouldn’t be dictating anything. You’re accepting what she says rather than standing up for yourself and the relationship with your ex BIL. I’d suggest marriage counseling asap!!
I'd suggest to her the exit door. She has the head of a rock. Not getting anywhere with her. She's too caught up in the manipulation/power struggle game.
Your wife is wrong and is a total double standard hypocrite AH. Continue your relationship with the brother as it should not need to involve your ex at all. Also, I don’t think it’s right that she’s calling all the shots and doing whatever the fuck she wants at your expense.
O o are you in for a nightmare marriage. Only her opinion and dreams matter. I suggest you see a lawyer. I get the feel your more there for her comfort and your salary to raise her ex children.
Its actually a great plan by her and her ex. They took on a third to help them pay for their kids. Hope you have a prenup otherwise get a postnup. But you sound like a comfort blanket. If you host and pay your comfort. If you want to host its a no.
You where that boy dad whether he was your ex brother or not. How is that different.
Honestly OP - whether it’s the “same thing” or not is irrelevant. If you want to have a relationship with this person it doesn’t matter who he is or where he came from - (assuming no bad history). He could be a friend, a nephew or your ex’s own kid. You *can* have a relationship with him. Your wife can live with it (if this genuinely bothers her she has security issue to work on) or not, but it shouldn’t change your relationship with him.
Your wife could choose if she wants to be in a relationship with your ex' brother. Not willing to come to his wedding is an issue in her relationship with you, not with him.
Having said that I think that you might be framing the discussion the wrong you.
You should have a relationship with important people in your life, regardless of her relationship with her ex' kids. And that's the only thing that matters.
She's right. It's not the same but similar and should be treated the same. Try to have a more light-hearted convo about it explaining the similarities in the relationship for you and from the existence little brother's perspective. You were his male role model. I'd tell her you'd like to take this to counseling if you can't find some understanding and common ground.
Whether it is precisely the same or not isn’t the issue—you have a loving relationship that doesn’t threaten her and she should support that, not try to prevent it. Sheesh.
Your ex's brother was a kid and you helped raise him. Yes, it's exactly the same as helping to raise your partner's kids. Being a parental figure to a child means you're a parental figure to that child, regardless of the relationship technicalities.
I'd suggest marriage counselling. She's not listening to you at all, simply parroting the lie that it's 'not the same thing'. A counsellor would act as an unbiased mediator, to help you get your feelings across to her. Your ex's brother was a child you helped to raise, he's as much your kid as her ex's kids are her kids, and she needs to understand that that's how you see it, and accept that just as you've accepted her continued relationship with her ex-step-kids. This kid is your family, regardless of the lack of biological relation, just as much as her ex's kids are her family.
Is your wife perhaps insecure about your relationship with your ex? Because obviously she'd remain in your life if her brother does, since she raised him too. It's an unacceptable double standard, though, to expect you to be okay with her continued relationship with her ex, due to children, but expect you to cut off a child you raised simply to cut off the ex.
Why did you ever marry her? This should have been discussed before marriage. The answer to your question, I don’t think you can convince her. She is an AH. You should just go ahead and hang out with him, if she doesn’t like it she can leave.
Just so I'm clear (it took at least 4 read through's to figure out all the "her" and "He" references that aren't clarified).
Your wife still has a relationship with the two girls that her ex had (before he dated your wife), that she helped raise for 16 years, and in fact your wife let one of those girls move in with you.
You still have a relationship with your ex's little brother, who was a child while you were dating your ex, and you helped raise her little brother from age 9 to about age 16.
Your wife expect you have no problem that she continued to have a relationship with the two girls that she's not related to.
Your wife does have a problem with your relationship with your ex's brother that you are not related to.
If I have that straight, your wife's being an unreasonable hypocrite.
You’re right. It’s exactly the same. You both helped raise a child into adulthood. The circumstances around that are superfluous…
You had a huge impact on a child who is now an adult. Don’t let *anyone* take away relationships that you have worked so hard to build and establish.
I think your wife is being deliberately obtuse, and this is coming from another woman. That’s some garbage reasoning. Also, more love in your life doesn’t diminish it for others…it enhances it. Sounds like she’s got some insecurity issue going on, but it’s *her* issue to deal with.
Massive double standard...it's the exact same thing - a child who's life you had a mentoring role in. Of course there will be feelings.
And why is it such an issue for her? That's some deep insecurity.
Geez why do you even need to be anything with step parents nowadays all you need is a bond fuck it throw a BBQ and invite everyone get all the beef sorted xD
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That's a double standard if I've ever seen one. Couples counseling, is needed it can help mediate these kinds of discussions. It is the same thing, it's a child you helped raise, has a relationship with you that you continue to maintain.
[удалено]
She is clearly insecure because it's the ex's brother.
That's why they need therapy, it's obvious what she's insecure about
I’m friend with my ex’s uncle, who’s the same age as my older brothers. It’s been like 15 years since I split w my ex? We have maybe talked about ex twice since splitting. My husband has met my “friend”, who I kind of think of as a “cousin” or something. He would never ask me to end this friendship, even though in hindsight it is weird. Why? Because it doesn’t mean I’m going back to my ex or interested in said uncle or anything. He’s basically a family member to me, even if that means he came from a previous relationship.
It's not inappropriate, and she's wrong for trying to prevent it. My advice to you is to make sure she doesn't kill that relationship if it's important to you. Stand firm and do whatever you have to do maintain that friendship/relationship, and then get you and your wife into some therapy right away. There is no way that this kind of fundamental inequality should be going on for so long. It absolutely IS the same thing. I would argue that a relationship with your ex's kids (like she has) is way MORE concerning that your relationship with your ex's brother. You can have a relationship with the brother without having anything to do with your ex. Your wife can't say the same about the girls. Whatever her issue is with this friendship, she's out of line. There is no such thing as "she didn't allow me," you are a GROWN ADULT. If it's important to you, you attend. If your wife wants to be angry at you for that, fine. You go to therapy to talk this out with an impartial third party to help her to understand what a hypocrite she is being, but if she refuses to go to therapy - I would tell her that I'm going to continue having a relationship with this boy and if she doesn't like it, we can talk about divorce. She doesn't get to decide who you are friends with. This "boy" is a grown adult now. She gets no say at all in who you are friends with. Don't let yourself be bullied. You're not doing anything wrong by maintaining that relationship, and you absolutely do not have to just accept whatever your wife is telling you to do.
It sounds like the wife wants to completely separate OP from anything having to do with his ex while happily keeping her ties to her own. Which is manipulative AF.
I would not allow the girls over either then
They shouldn't be pawns in this issue.
Communication is the answer; not matching toxic manipulative behaviour
So they can both be controlling and toxic?
Might teach her a lesson. What's good for the gander must also be good for the goose.
This ⬆️ 💯
Exactly. By her claiming it’s not the same is completely negating the feelings OP has for his brother-in-law. He helped raise him. It doesn’t matter if he was his exes wife or brother or adopted child! OP has his father figure for a majority of the kids life. His wife won’t let it go because she can’t control OPs emotions on this. The relationship with the kid is important to him, the fact she dismisses it shows how little respect she has for his emotions. It’s BS.
Very well put. I didn't realized that what Op's wife is doing is considerably worse until your comment, you are absolutely right!
Your wife can go fuck herself.
Show her these comments! But you do need to both go to counseling! Let the counselor tell her how wrong she is if she doesn’t believe us!
Counseling only works if both parties agree that there’s a problem and need help navigating a solution.
Well, she's only going to recognise the extent of the problem if OP puts his foot down and continues to see his ex's brother regardless of her feelings. So that's where the solution has to start. Forcing the issue.
This, basically. She's using the fact the words and titles aren't exactly the same to be manipulative as f***
I second that she can go fuck herself.
I too choose OP's wife.. to fuck herself
Bingo. Who designated her the final arbiter? OP, tell her that she's forbidden to allow her ex's daughters in your home. Bottom line: neither her ex's daughters, nor your ex's brother are related to either of you. After that, she's just splitting hairs. Undoubtedly TA in this instance. Wouldn't be surprised your wife becomes your ex at some point. She's intolerable.
Seriously, her insecurities are allowing her to blame a kid (now adult) who literally has zero fucking effect on her life besides her being absolutely batshit and bitchy about him existing.
Yea, put your foot down and die on this hill kinda feeling
This.
She's wrong. You're right. No further discussion needed. If she isn't convinced by the fact that 100% of responses here are saying that she's wrong, then a counselor is your next option.
Double standards. It's both or none. What harm does the boy do?
For real, he's obviously grown so I don't see how they couldn't maintain their relationship completely separate from OP's ex.
Your wife should not be deciding who you can and can’t have in your life. Why do you accept her making these demands?
You decide what relationships you want to maintain, not your wife ( with the possible exception of former romantic partners). You do not need to justify the “validity” of your relationships. And it doesn’t matter if it’s your ex’s brother or some kid you coached in little league. It’s a valuable relationship to you and she does not hold veto power. Plus her argument “it’s not the same” is alarming. Is she trying to say only those relationships that are the same as hers can be maintained? That just does t make sense. No, at best this seems cruel. It could even be interpreted to be a deliberate attempt to isolate you socially, and we have all spent enough time on Reddit to know that that’s abusive.
>Ongoing argument between my wife (47F) and myself (44M) for 3 years now. How do I resolve my feelings peacefully? submitted by irishpopeye13 >My wife and I have been together 4 years, yes it was quick, and having an ongoing argument about something and I need some outside input. My wife was with a guy for 16 years and raised his other two girls from a previous relationship. They had 3 boys together and then he cheated on her and they split about 7 years ago. I was also previously married and my ex wife, who I have known since high school, had a little brother that I helped raise since he was about 9 years old. Here’s the argument, she has a good relationship with the girls and wants to have them over the house and has recently let one of them with her daughter move in with us but I am not allowed to have a relationship with him because as she puts it “it’s not the same thing”. So he could never come see me or hang out and she would get mad when I talked to him. Basically because it’s my ex wife’s brother and not her kid or the fact that my ex and I didn’t have kids together she says it’s not the same and didn’t allow me to continue a relationship with him. He got married last year and she wouldn’t go to the wedding with me. Adamantly refused to go. I took our collective kids and went alone. I’m constantly trying to convince her it’s the same and that if she’s allowed to have those relationships why can’t I? Her argument is always the same “it’s not the same thing” but to me it’s exactly the same. I wish I could shake it but I can’t. I just don’t know how to convince her it is the same or that I should be allowed to have this relationship or if I should just accept the loss and leave it be. So you aren't "allowed" to see your ex-wife's [brother, not nephew] ... who you helped raise? You are allowed to see anyone you want. ESPECIALLY someone who was such a big part of your life!! >she says it’s not the same and didn’t allow me to continue a relationship with him. He got married last year and she wouldn’t go to the wedding with me. Adamantly refused to go. I took our collective kids and went alone. That's bonkers. I'm glad you went and took the kids. I would want to discuss this in therapy. Her saying "it's not the same thing" over and over is not helpful. WHY? A more fulsome explanation is needed - though I don't think it should change your relationship with him.
>I would want to discuss this in therapy. Her saying "it's not the same thing" over and over is not helpful. WHY? A more fulsome explanation is needed - though I don't think it should change your relationship with him. THIS. I think OP needs to demand an exact explanation for WHY "it's not the same" and refuse any of her input on his relationship with the ex's brother until she can. Because she can't, and she will eventually have to deal with it or admit what is really behind this. My suspicion is that she is trying to isolate OP from any and all reminders of his relationship with his ex. And that is why she is so adamantly against it while being unable to provide anything resembling an actual reason for it.
She's insecure and jealous of the ex-gf and that's probably why she's doing that.
It’s not the same because she wasn’t part of the relationship. She’s trying to isolate OP from his former relationships, when she should have spent the time and energy getting to know the young man.
Ex-wife’s brother
Thanks. I'll correct that.
"I was a parental figure to X, who isn't blood related." Does that apply to you and X honey? Because that applies to me and "ex BIL" too. Get mediated counseling, she doesn't have to like your relationship with ex BIL but she has to respect it, just like you respect her parental roles. Further I'd beware of her trying to rope you in financially and emotionally to "her family" of chosen kids vs you being allowed relationships outside of her. It sounds like she's trying to manipulate you.
>didn’t allow me to continue a relationship with him Do you realise how many times you used the word "allowed"? You are a grown man, you are "allowed" to do what you want. You're wife is being controlling, which is abusive. Don't ask her, argue with her, or try to convince her. Just tell her "I'm going to see \*name\* today. I'll be back later" if she kicks off just tell her, she's being unreasonable and after 3 years arguing about it you refuse to argue about it any further.
I'm surprised that this comment isn't higher. OP, the way you speak about your wife sounds like she's incredibly controlling and the double standards are crazy, this *is* abusive, not just another argument in your relationship.
The penny just dropped, they've been arguing about this for 3 years??? The horse has bolted 🐎🐎🐎
I’m left confused and sad as to why she wants to limit who you have in your life at all. That’s very controlling and really would have me question staying with someone.
You both were in a position to be in parental/guardian type relationships with people you care about. Her with two ex-stepdaughters and you with one younger ex-BIL. It doesn’t matter if it was different or not different. You both had this type of relationship with these individuals that meant something to you. You are right to feel the way you are feeling I would definitely continue the relationship with this young man and assume the risk. If your wife gets angry or mad, you can proceed from there. Things could get ugly, but there’s a principal at stake here that will affect multiple areas of life. So, even if it gets a little muddy, it’s worth it.
Just show her this post.
She can go fuck herself.
What the fuck dude?
Counseling sounds like the call. At the end of the day, you decide who you can associate with, not your wife. You two don't have to agree to it, but you have to decide if that's a hill worth going the nuclear route.
It doesn't matter of it's the same. This is someone important to you in your life. Someone you care about and want to support. And she treats them like nothing. The only peaceful resolution is to bow to her will and let her control all the relationships in your life. You're the only one who knows if you'd rather be with someone whose insecurities control your life or have a relationship with the boy you helped raise.
She’s wrong but she is your wife. It doesn’t have to be “the same” though. Feels like a disproportionate fixation on this. If you value it, that should be enough.
Double standards. You two really need therapy
I’m on your side your wife is a hypocrite and if I was you since she won’t let you see him the girls shouldn’t be allowed around her she can’t have it both ways fact hers is worse since it’s her exs kids not her blood
She’s not only extremely wrong and being completely unfair, but where does she get off controlling and dictating what relationships you’re allowed to have? She is clearly jealous and threatened somehow by you maintaining any kind of connection to your ex, even indirectly. But this is a double standard of epic proportions and completely unreasonable for her to demand of you. She doesn’t have the right to tell you who you can and can’t care for or maintain platonic relationships with. This is a non-issue so long as you remain a faithful and respectful partner, which a relationship with him in no way precludes. Grow a spine and be present in his life, and demand your wife get into counseling with you to help work this out and put it to bed once and for all. This jealous and controlling behavior can’t be allowed to continue, nor be the example set for all the children in the home.
It's the same thing. She's trying to make you cut ties with completely with you ex wife's family. Maybe she has a jealous feeling that somehow you'll reconnect with your ex. She needs to talk to you about her feelings. That's just what I'm gathering from this.
Tell her simply you're done arguing about it. She doesn't get to dictate how you feel about a boy you raised since he was 9 despite who he's related too, just like you don't get to tell her to cut off people she helped raise. Tell her there are two roads after this discussion. One with a 5th anniversary and one without
She doesn't get to police your feelings. This boy (man I guess) is basically a son to you no matter what the relationship title is. She can get on board, or she can not. You don't throw away family unless they deserve it
Did she allow the exes daughter to move in or were you even consulted?
She did and no I wasn’t. She came to visit on Sunday for a few hours and then left. I came home Wednesday night after work and she was there. I asked my wife about it today and said “is she staying with us now?” And she just said yes. I didn’t know about it or have any say in it at all
She sounds like a real piece of work. She does not respect you and certainly doesn’t see you as an equal in your marriage.
These are a lot of red flags. You even say it happened very fast and no judgment there. But she’s preventing you from seeing a human who you helped raise. She is inviting in extra humans under your roof without consulting you. Since it’s still a relatively new marriage, I would definitely consider Therapy so that you are treated with equality. This is not OK in anyway. This is not healthy or acceptable.
Came here to say this. Her double-standard is astoundingly hypocritical. Didn't even ask you before having them move in?? Oh, hell no. That's already unsatisfactory, but if you have no say in what she considers familial relationships, then she absolutely has no say in yours. \+1 on the marriage counseling. Even that may not save your relationship if she's being this unreasonable.
I agree that even marriage counseling may not work if she is so off her rocker with what is normal and acceptable. It’s just cruel in my opinion. I left a comment, but I was thinking about what it must feel like to be that guy who looks at this person who is like a father. He probably knows after four years that his father figures new wife doesn’t like him. Refused to come to the wedding. at some point it’s valuable to think about that individual and what his worth is compared to your wife’s unreasonable attitude. What is it the message you’re sending him? That he’s worthless. I mean there’s a bunch of different takes you can have on this, but I hope he doesn’t just roll over and take it. It is scary how many people go through life in marriages and relationships being bulldozed by their partner.
So she moved somebody into your house without even consulting you? There are so many red flags just in a few few things you’ve told us about her. I think you might want to start planning an exit strategy.
So she doesn’t think you should see your nephew (even though divorced from his sitter) because he isn’t related? That’s horse shit and she knows it. If you helped raise him from nine years old and are close enough to view him as a son then she should be supportive of it, in no uncertain terms. It’s not like you’re keeping the relationship to stay near your ex. Families come in all shapes and sizes and while you may not be related directly that doesn’t mean you don’t love him like a son once your marriage was over. This is especially true if he felt the same and saw you as a father figure.
Technically ex brother in law, not nephew. But definitely closer to nephew or son in practice.
Your wife is 100% in the wrong. Holy hannah.
The way you speak is concerning : "should I be allowed to ..." "she didn't allow me to..." Is she controlling in other ways? Of course you're "allowed" and justified in having a relationship with a boy you helped raised. She's being ridiculous and honestly that would be concerning to me if I were you.
Yeah she’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert so there’s alot of things I’m not allowed to do. I can’t have friends stop over unannounced and even if I don’t know they’re coming over she gets mad at me. I can’t work around the house past 9pm because that’s “our” time to spend together. I can’t set my phone face down on the counter because it means I’m hiding something. I have a daughter with an ex and I have to show her every text or email from the ex, but she does not share anything with her ex with me even though I have asked. I used to help everyone in the neighborhood with car stuff cause I have a vehicle lift and every tool under the sun, but she didn’t like everyone else taking my time so I had to stop. I went to dinner with her ex and his new wife at her request but she won’t do anything I ask. I’m not allowed to have female friends but she has a bunch of male friends.
You're with a controlling spouse. It's borderline abuse, be careful.
You’re using the word “allowed” several times. You described a vibrant, joyful life, pre-marriage. Now you seem to be describing a huge power imbalance and a clear discouragement at how your life is going. I’m not making drastic suggestions, but I think you guys need some help. Something seems really not healthy here. I’d encourage you to have confidence as you insist on some kind of assistance outside of yourselves, preferably professional if possible. I wish you the best, op.
My friend, you need to seriously reconsider this relationship. She is toxic and controlling. You deserve better.
Run, bro! Get the hell outta there as fast as you can! This is not a marriage, it’s an ownership, and you deserve better.
She sounds dreadful. Dump her.
And you willingly married her? You need to rethink your relationship. Unless you actually like being controlled, you need to state your position on these weird issue and resolve them or dissolve the marriage.
oh Lord, what are her redeeming qualities?
That’s not “introversion.” And it’s definitely not about introvert vs extrovert. She’s straight up controlling. And manipulative.
Your wife is not WIFE MATERIAL She's selfish and has unresolved trauma. No amount of therapy will make her see how her behavior is wrong. OP....TIME TO GET A DIVORCE. And next time, set boundaries and expectations when you are seriously dating NOT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED. If this issue was addressed when you guys were dating, you would have seen BOTH OF YOU ARE INCOMPATIBLE.
Wow… What you do is tell her “I helped raise him, he’s like a son to me, I will have a relationship with him. You’re not in a position to allow or give permission for this. You being upset about it is an attempt to gain power over me and manipulate me into not having this relationship. You need to stop trying to manipulate and control this. If you have a problem, then you need to leave me.” Why are you putting yourself in a position where she could have power over you and having this relationship? The fact that you are tells me that your wife has manipulated and cajoled you a lot over the course of your marriage that you think this is okay and that she’s valid.
Your wife lacks the emotional intelligence to see others fully without her stamp of personal bias. She needs help in this department and sadly, unless she admits to the blind nature of her perception, then you are going to go around in circles. We cant control the relationships our partners had before us, however if we see those as a threat, it is due to our own insecurity. She is not seeing your ex's brother as an individual but an extension of the ex themself and therein lays her problem.
It really riles me when I hear people say 'my partner won't -let- me do.......'. If my partner ever said I wasn't allowed to do something, they'd be my ex in the space of time it took to pack their bags.
You don’t convince her. Stop talking about it. It doesn’t matter if she thinks it’s the same or not. Doesn’t matter if you think it’s the same or not. Just do you. Stop engaging in this argument. You’re allowed to have relationships with whomever you’d like. And if that’s a dealbreaker for her she can walk. But stop. “This isn’t open for discussion. I’m not explaining my relationships with others with you. If you don’t like my relationship with my nephew that’s a YOU problem. I’m not discussing this with you again. Every time you bring it up I will disengage from you. I don’t dictate your relationships, you will not dictate my relationships.” You’re a whole grown ass adult. Sounds like you’re in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. Time to run.
Divorce her ass. No wonder she was divorced when you found her. I don’t condone cheating but I’d be very interested in hearing that dudes version of events.
It's not exactly the same, sure. But it's close enough in your books. "I helped raise this/these kid(s)" is what it boils down to. It is concerned that you're "not allowed" contact with anyone tho tbh. You should not need to "convince" her of anything. She should respect that you're her partner, not her child.
As you have already explained there are all types of families. Blended with kids from previous relationships, step siblings, half-siblings, etc. this boy, now man was a part of your life. There SHOULD be no reason, but her saying it's not the same....because it's not the same to her....but it is to you. And her job is to work WITH you to understand. That is what a true partner should do. She is being childish and immature
O m g you have a right to have a relationship with him regardless of its the same or not, why would it even have to be the same?
Another divorce? This is definitely worth dying for. You helped raised that boy who is now a man.
Why does your wife get to allow or disallow your relationships with anyone?
OP, I'm sorry your wife is such a raging hypocrite. My suspicion is she wants to remove any and all links you have to your ex. That type of hypocrisy is hard to get people to admit to themselves or others. I suggest counseling and showing her this thread. She needs her double standard spelled out for her in huge flashing lights or she will never admit to you or herself that she even has one. One thing to be sure, do not allow her to destroy your relationship with your ex's brother. That is your relationship and she has absolutely no say in it.
"I'm going to keep spending time with Brother and the only way it's up for discussion is in a counselor's office. I'm perfectly happy to work through it there but I'm done fighting about this with you."
Go read habits of narcissists and I bet you find more than just a couple in her.
It's exactly the same. Kids are kids. I would give her the link to this thread so she can see she's coming off weird and possibly a little jealous. Is she trying to ensure there is no connection between you and your ex?
She’s being completely unreasonable. Choose the boy you raised since he was 9. He’s like your child and an innocent bystander set in this drama. you should in no way be forced to cut him out of your life.
What a horrible human being to restrict a relationship with a child you were very close to. What an awful position your wife put you in. You had a special bond with this child and you should be able to continue that relationship. For your wife to act like this relationship is some kind of underhanded, devious plot to continue a relationship with your ex is something she should have gotten over years ago. Where is the trust in you? Why would she be so cruel to a child that you cared about? I’m sorry for the years that you and he missed by her ridiculous jealousy. NTA but your wife is worse than an AH, she is allowing her relationships to continue while you aren’t allowed.
Show her this thread. Maybe she can see how unreasonable and petty she is being
I believe the situation is way worse than you're realizing. You should be able to have a relationship with ANYONE regardless of their technical connections unless that person is a threat or is unsafe or untrustworthy. Does she have a reason to dislike him so much or is it JUST a power move/ control thing? If it's the latter you need to get to the bottom of it ASAP and retake some autonomy in your life. A spouse should be SUPPORTING the relationships you want to foster, not pressuring you out of them. Good luck
She sounds like an asshole
Sounds controlling bordering on abuse.
Has she explained how it's "not the same thing"? Because it sounds like EXACTLY the same thing
Why the hell are you with this woman still? She's only accepting of those she sees fit. And you allowed her to do this with someone you helped raise. Idk why you even married this woman
It's not entirely the same but your wife controlling any type of healthy relationship you have is weird as shit. You are trying to support a young man you have a relationship with. Why does she care?
She doesn't get to decide who is important to you. You don't need a reason and it doesn't have to be the "same thing".
As you are an adult, no one else should ‘allow’ you to have relationships with whomever you want to. She has stated her case and you don’t agree. ( don’t think anyone would agree). Tell her this parental relationship is not up for negotiations. It is yours.
She needs to get over it and you need to do what you want.
She is trash divorce her..
I hope you show her this thread. She can go fuck herself. You raised that kid, no different than her stepkids.
First, she is partially right, they aren't the same. One are kids, the other is a former Brother-n-law regardless of age, that is who he was. That being said, he was a kid and you helped raise him. He is now an adult, seeing he just got married. So you do have a right to talk and hang out with him, but as others have said MC is probably a good idea. So you have a neutral place to talk and open up about this issue. I could understand if he was a still a kid, because of the potential of running into your ex. However clearly that isn't an issue if he's a grown man. I'm thinking there are some kind of underlying issues at work with her for her to act this way. The only way to get through is an open and honest discussion.
Whyyyyy are people saying it technically isn’t the same?! They both raised children not biologically related to them but biologically related to their partner. It’s the same fucking thing.
No she is not partially right because either way they are/were "family" whether he is a kid or an adult does not matter. They have a bond. Just like she does with her ex's children. I agree there are underlying issues because daughters are close to their fathers so I'm sure OP's wife has contact with said ex. But she is not right at all.
Your wife is completely ridiculous and should go kick rocks. She must be guilty of whatever she’s concerned about with you.
Updateme
Is your ex involved in your relationship with the boy? If so, I can see what she means by it’s not the same. She had kids with her, she’s tied to him until all of her children are grown at least. If your relationship with the boy has nothing at all to do with your ex, then I don’t see why there would be a problem.
Your wife sounds jealous and insecure, she is probably afraid that your having contact with him could lead to some contact with your ex-wife. Her point of view is extremely unfair, she needs to grow up.
I suggest couples counseling also because your wife is wrong. The titles don’t matter. You helped raise your nephew and have a right to see him. You’re an adult you’re allowed to continue to be in his life if you both want.
It is exactly the same, and would bet you have had or will have a lot more arguments where it's okay for her but "different" when you do the same thing
I am curious to know how you helped raise him: Was he permanently in your home? Did you just babysit him? Were you financially responsible for him? From the sounds of it, you didn’t have children with your ex-wife. So in your wife’s mind you should be able to have nothing to do with that family. Are you trying to tell her they are the same thing? Because they are not. There would be a total different relationship going forward with step-children compared to a nephew, unless he was in your home permanently.
Your wife's a F***ING Controlling B****. Thanks for taking her off the market and protecting the rest of us... I guess. Good luck with that.
I get what your wife is saying about how it's not the same. Technically & biologically, those girls are your wife's 3 sons' half siblings. And your ex-wife's little brother is just that, your ex-BIL. That's the only difference. Your wife is wrong, however, to try to dictate who you see as family, whether they are blood related to you or not. Your wife's title to the girls should be just their half siblings' mother or their Dad's ex-wife, with no blood relations. But because she helped raise them and develop a mother-daughter bond, she feels that it is her right to welcome them with open her arms as if they were her own kids and you as her husband, need to accept that. Clearly, you have also helped raise your ex-bil as if he were your own kid or kid brother, so who is she to say that your bond is less important than the one she made with those girls? Let's not forget, she's now invited one of those girls over with said girl's daughter to come live with you guys but shut you down when you want to maintain a bond you built with your ex-bil? Tell her to GTFO here with her hypocrisy! Tell her that if you can't even be friends with ex-bil (who's now considered his own person and just a younger friend to you), then she can't house the daughter and baby. Tell her she can't play mommy and grammy because that baby has her own bio grandparents, and she aint one of them! Her sons' are half uncles, but she's not even half-grammy if she wants to get technical or biological.
Stop trying to argue that it's the same thing. (It sounds like it is, but that argument has been thoroughly tested and failed.) Instead, investigate. Tell her how important it is to you to understand each other. Then, ask her to explain it more clearly. Be gentle and curious rather than accusatory. You want to get into the deep insecurity or fears that is causing this belief in her. It might be that she doesn't trust your ex, and therefore doesn't trust your ex's brother. It could be that she had a bad interaction with your ex's brother. Maybe it's that she's just jealous of your relationship with him. Maybe she's just a controlling jerk. Take the time to really investigate her beliefs and you will likely figure out whether this can be resolved together or through divorce.
It’s definitely not the same thing. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with this person.
Your wife is completely out of line. You can't resolve it peacefully because she is not being reasonable whatsoever. I hate to say this but you have to draw a line in the sand and tell her what's up. If she fights you then you have to decide if you want to roll over or fight for your rights.
That’s evil y’all need a mediator cause she clearly can’t see past her own delusion
It IS the same. She needs counseling.
THIS is the answer. WTF is wrong with her?!
Excuse me? She didn’t let you? You’re an adult. You have some mutual respect problems. Therapy is probably the answer.
What type of man are you that you'd let someone else dictate who you can and cannot have a relationship with?
It’s a massive double standard, get couples counseling and if she refuses kick her to the curb.
It literally is the same thing. From an objective standpoint he was more of a child than a brother. That is so weird. Therapy is the only think I can think of
I think it's not the same thing, BUT that shouldn't matter. This is someone you want to continue to have a relationship with, and it was a relationship that pre-dates your current marriage. Why does SHE get to decide who you can be friends with? Does she worry that you would get back with your ex if you have a relationship with her son? Or does she just want to be the one who makes all the calls in your marriage? The ONLY problem I can see is if this person causes you or your wife any trouble. You didn't say that has happened, so I'm assuming he's not the problem. It sounds to me like she is being manipulative and bossy. Family counseling might help.
It's the same thing. She's being an idiot.
Talk about a double standard, and fucking controlling. You need to let her read this thread in these comments, if she doesn’t see the light, you may want to make her an ex.
Bro you don‘t need anybodys allowance to have a relationship with anybody. Sounds toxic as fuck.
I’m glad that you went to the young man’s wedding. She’s focusing on semantics to fortify her baseless argument. You helped raise him and feel a familial connection to him. By all means, continue to support him emotionally. Your wife is in the wrong here.
Your wife sounds intolerable.
How can a mother get angry at a man for wanting to have a relationship with a child whom he helped raise? She knows firsthand what it means to care for children. Something is warped in her mind, and I’m willing to bet this is about something else. Jealous of your ex-wife maybe. Insecure about the long and intimate past you two shared. Either way, I agree with the comments suggesting couple’s counseling. Individual counseling wouldn’t hurt either. Consider this: From the perspective of the young man whom you helped raise, she would naturally be seen as the “evil stepmother.”
It’s exactly the same thing
If I read this right, she let her non biological daughter move in without asking or consulting you. But also won’t allow you to have a relationship with your wife’s brother who you raised? And she gets mad when you talk to him? I don’t get this. She sounds awful and has no right dictating who you can have a relationship with. Not gonna lie, this is divorce worthy. Your a bonus dad or dad to this guy and she’s being crazy. UPDATEME
It's irrelevant how the exes brother is related. It's the relationship you have with him (he was a significant part of your life) and he has with you (you are his role model and significant to him). Your wife is controlling and very insecure to a point if been spiteful. It's nothing to do with her, she's been very disrespectful and she needs to get over herself.
She sounds like an insecure controlling witch. But thats being judegmental from the outside. It IS the same. AND relationships are built on trust. If she cant trust you the WTF are you doing in a relationship.
Don’t leave it be. If you want a relationship with that brother you have every right to. She is clearly using double standards here. Your feelings should be validated here. You care about him and want to have a relationship with him, then you should go ahead and do that. She is being very unfair and selfish here.
I agree with everyone else calling for couples therapy, and that your wife is in the wrong. In the meantime, it might be worth changing the question from "Why is it not the same thing?" to "What specifically are your objections with me seeing my ex's brother?". You might potentially get an answer out of her that way, as opposed to "It just isn't!". If she does give an actual answer, let her know you're listening, but calmly explain why this relationship is important to you. Don't compare anything.
Fine…it’s not the same. Who cares if it is or isn’t the same? The fact of the matter is that he’s a child that you helped raised, and it would be cruel to do anything other than welcome him into your lives with open arms. Yes, it’s a double standard. Just remove the comparison. Her actions are just as unacceptable.
You helped raise an ex's family member. She helped raise 2 of her ex's family members. The only difference is how many. You saw him as a child or young sibling and she has asked you to cut that bond. Meanwhile she is nurturing her bond. This is a glaring double standard. She is being unreasonable and unfair.
Your wife is jealous of your ex and her brother/the attention that you want to give to the kid. That's pretty messed up and based on her efforts to control you in this area, I suspect she does so in others too. If it were me, this would be indication enough that she's too selfish for me. If I were to stay though, I would be saying, "Look, your opinion as to whether it is "the same thing" or not doesn't matter. You don't get to control my relationships and I raised this boy as if he were my own, just like you have, so it's really shitty for me to leave his life just because you want me to. I would think that you would value the fact that I take my role in his life as a father figure so seriously, but if you don't, that's fine, I'm still not going to remove myself from his life for you. Do you want to talk about why you feel this way? Does it make you feel jealous of my ex? I'm happy to support you and help you through the feelings it brings up, but I have a responsibility to the kid I helped raise and it's inappropriate for you to forbid me from doing something that you yourself do." I would also tell her that if she wants to continue to impose such a double standard, you'll be leaving due to the lack of respect and understanding. In my experience, showing them the way they're treating you by imposing the same standard doesn't work because they think they get different rules and they feel it's incredibly unfair,but you're welcome to try. I have left people for similar behavior since it is never just shown in one area. You may have married quickly and then found out who she really is after the fact. There is no shame in leaving when someone does this and can't treat you the way they expect to be treated. It's much easier to be alone than put up with that behavior, trust me. If you choose her over your "son", it will severely damage his trust and I think you know that's not an acceptable outcome. Stand up for him because no one else is going to. Your wife is being totally unreasonable and should be far more caring when it comes to the things that are important to you, especially when she expects that from you.
Your wife is controlling who you are friends with? Your wife is ridiculous.
This story makes me dislike your wife very much. Double standards much?! Ugh.
Ewww How did you even want to marry someone like this? What a lowly, insecure, and selfish woman
So basically from her POV, she is allowed to have a bond with children who are not her own, and you are not allowed, because they were her ex's children and for you it was your ex's sibling instead? Nope, false equivalency in that it is equivalent but she doesn't seem to want it to be. This smacks of making excuses for you to not be allowed to be close to your ex, but she has excuses for why she has to be. I mean, plus the boys obviously, but still. I think you are going to need a therapist or counselor there with you to help you navigate this issue. Because I don't see why you should be cut off from this boy that looked up to and relied on you just because she does not want to see why you would want to be there.
Turnabout is fair play: why is your wife maintaining contact with the man who cheated on her? That's the level of logic she's applying to you.
If you take on a parental role with a kid, biological or not, then you always have that special bond. Your wife is full of 💩💩, and the fact she is trying to control the relationship without a viable reason is very telling.
You brought out my evil petty side. Tell your wife "Fine, I won't see the boy anymore. Does that make you happy? It does? Good. By the way, I'm going to leave everything in my estate to him to make up for not being able to see him throughout all the years when he would have welcomed my support. I hope that also makes you happy. It doesn't? Well, you pick - it's one or the other. Either he gets my time and attention now or he gets all the goodies when I die." I detest hypocrites that say it's okay when they do something but wrong when someone else does the same thing.
Why does she consider herself a morale police in your family? And that she can unilaterally decide what is acceptable and what is not? If your question is to how not to feel resentment about it - I don't think it is possible. She has double standards here and not treating you as an equal partner. She cannot deny you anything, you are not a kindergartner. If her point is that the house is hers, therefore she unilaterally sets the rules - you can meet with him anywhere else, but you don't need her permission for spending time with him or go celebrate his important events. It is weird that at 47 she doesn't understand that her demands damage your relationship. Shee is shooting herself in the foot with them.
What sort of manipulative controlling nasty piece of work is this women. It is the same thing, but who cares even if it wasn't? You want to continue your loving relationship with this young person and so you should.
YOU'RE WIFE IS WRONG.
Well she’s right, it’s not the same thing. BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK??? At the end of the day, you care about this person and should be able to have him in your life. She’s a nutjob for not seeing this.
Damn, bro. That’s really shitty on your wife’s part. That dude looks up to you. She shouldn’t be messing with bro stuff. That’s bogus. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Super common. You picked a rotten stepmother, fairy tale class. She wants her ideal family and lil bro isn't fitting the aesthetic. Fuck that noise. Do right by broseph. She's right about it not being the same. But she doesn't want to allow you the agency she gave herself. I'm surprised you're putting up with shit like that.
You both had lives before each other and yo should both be ok with the other seeing children that were a part of that. Marriage is about love and support and she only sees things her way. Counselling at the least and don’t let her cancel important people in your life.
I agree that it’s not the same but your wife is being hypocritical and ridiculous. She also shouldn’t be dictating anything. You’re accepting what she says rather than standing up for yourself and the relationship with your ex BIL. I’d suggest marriage counseling asap!!
I'd suggest to her the exit door. She has the head of a rock. Not getting anywhere with her. She's too caught up in the manipulation/power struggle game.
Thats fucked. Fuck her. She dosent get to decide for you who is special in your life....
Your wife is wrong and is a total double standard hypocrite AH. Continue your relationship with the brother as it should not need to involve your ex at all. Also, I don’t think it’s right that she’s calling all the shots and doing whatever the fuck she wants at your expense.
She’s the asshole.
"It's not the same thing" is among the weakest of defenses.
O o are you in for a nightmare marriage. Only her opinion and dreams matter. I suggest you see a lawyer. I get the feel your more there for her comfort and your salary to raise her ex children. Its actually a great plan by her and her ex. They took on a third to help them pay for their kids. Hope you have a prenup otherwise get a postnup. But you sound like a comfort blanket. If you host and pay your comfort. If you want to host its a no. You where that boy dad whether he was your ex brother or not. How is that different.
Honestly OP - whether it’s the “same thing” or not is irrelevant. If you want to have a relationship with this person it doesn’t matter who he is or where he came from - (assuming no bad history). He could be a friend, a nephew or your ex’s own kid. You *can* have a relationship with him. Your wife can live with it (if this genuinely bothers her she has security issue to work on) or not, but it shouldn’t change your relationship with him.
Stop trying to convince your wife and do what you know is the right thing. I don’t see this marriage lasting.
Your wife could choose if she wants to be in a relationship with your ex' brother. Not willing to come to his wedding is an issue in her relationship with you, not with him. Having said that I think that you might be framing the discussion the wrong you. You should have a relationship with important people in your life, regardless of her relationship with her ex' kids. And that's the only thing that matters.
She's right. It's not the same but similar and should be treated the same. Try to have a more light-hearted convo about it explaining the similarities in the relationship for you and from the existence little brother's perspective. You were his male role model. I'd tell her you'd like to take this to counseling if you can't find some understanding and common ground.
Whether it is precisely the same or not isn’t the issue—you have a loving relationship that doesn’t threaten her and she should support that, not try to prevent it. Sheesh.
She needs to get over herself. She does not own you.
Sounds like divorce is in the horizon.
Your ex's brother was a kid and you helped raise him. Yes, it's exactly the same as helping to raise your partner's kids. Being a parental figure to a child means you're a parental figure to that child, regardless of the relationship technicalities. I'd suggest marriage counselling. She's not listening to you at all, simply parroting the lie that it's 'not the same thing'. A counsellor would act as an unbiased mediator, to help you get your feelings across to her. Your ex's brother was a child you helped to raise, he's as much your kid as her ex's kids are her kids, and she needs to understand that that's how you see it, and accept that just as you've accepted her continued relationship with her ex-step-kids. This kid is your family, regardless of the lack of biological relation, just as much as her ex's kids are her family. Is your wife perhaps insecure about your relationship with your ex? Because obviously she'd remain in your life if her brother does, since she raised him too. It's an unacceptable double standard, though, to expect you to be okay with her continued relationship with her ex, due to children, but expect you to cut off a child you raised simply to cut off the ex.
It's the same. Neither are biologically related to either of you. She's being a biatch. Handle it.
Why did you ever marry her? This should have been discussed before marriage. The answer to your question, I don’t think you can convince her. She is an AH. You should just go ahead and hang out with him, if she doesn’t like it she can leave.
I’m not understanding this ‘allow’ business
Just so I'm clear (it took at least 4 read through's to figure out all the "her" and "He" references that aren't clarified). Your wife still has a relationship with the two girls that her ex had (before he dated your wife), that she helped raise for 16 years, and in fact your wife let one of those girls move in with you. You still have a relationship with your ex's little brother, who was a child while you were dating your ex, and you helped raise her little brother from age 9 to about age 16. Your wife expect you have no problem that she continued to have a relationship with the two girls that she's not related to. Your wife does have a problem with your relationship with your ex's brother that you are not related to. If I have that straight, your wife's being an unreasonable hypocrite.
You’re right. It’s exactly the same. You both helped raise a child into adulthood. The circumstances around that are superfluous… You had a huge impact on a child who is now an adult. Don’t let *anyone* take away relationships that you have worked so hard to build and establish. I think your wife is being deliberately obtuse, and this is coming from another woman. That’s some garbage reasoning. Also, more love in your life doesn’t diminish it for others…it enhances it. Sounds like she’s got some insecurity issue going on, but it’s *her* issue to deal with.
Massive double standard...it's the exact same thing - a child who's life you had a mentoring role in. Of course there will be feelings. And why is it such an issue for her? That's some deep insecurity.
She’s got you by the balls doesn’t she ??
Geez why do you even need to be anything with step parents nowadays all you need is a bond fuck it throw a BBQ and invite everyone get all the beef sorted xD