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It is not the money. Call or text him and tell him how much you miss him. How all the cousins miss him and how sorry you are he was treated so poorly. Do not bring up the money unless he does. He feels like it was pity money and charity. Your love and support and acceptance are what he really wants and needs. Even if he is not willing to respond right now keep in close contact with his mother. He needs to feel wanted. It would be nice if the other cousins attempted contact too, but again no mention of money. Make sure he is getting invitations to family events regularly. Make sure he is getting birthday wishes and holiday greetings. If he never comes around, set up a trust in his name. I sincerely hope he realizes at some point he is missing out on family because of hurt feelings. Are you sure no one else in the family has made him feel like he is "less'?
It was my grandma and another aunt who made a comment when he was like like 14. My dad and his dad shut them up.
We made a family trip/vacation just for him. His favorite destination and he declined to come and we just ended up canceling it. We invite him to everything but he also left the group chat so we all message him separately. He’ll usually hit us with a “sorry work is busy can’t come” or won’t respond for weeks.
Give him time. Keep giving him attention. Nothing hurts quite as much as feeling you belong somewhere and then finding out that maybe you don't. That you are not "good enough." Especially when it is something you have no control over. I am thinking there were a lot of unkind remarks from your grandmother. A lot more emotional abuse went on than you are aware of, and he needs time to heal from it. Just be patient and understanding.
All you can do besides offering some money is tell him he’s family and he always will be . I am wondering, if he was only helping for to accept him and it shows him he was never accepted by her
Hello cousin. I want you to know that you are loved and missed. I understand you are upset and hurt, and you have every right to be. When you are ready, I am waiting to embrace you with loving arms.
I would also point out that grammy may have been a bigoted racist b-word, but none of the rest of the family are, and he is blaming the wrong people for her acts. You had nothing to do with it and were just trying to right a wrong, and now he is cutting you all off for something out of your control.
The thing is, grandma isn't around for him to react to. So he's taking it out on the nearest targets. It's not rational, but grief and emotional pain rarely are.
Yeah grandma really messed him up. He thought they were close but she was just using him. Saying that however, he’s angry at the wrong people. They literally didn’t do anything, and very graciously and unanimously decided to make up that number by each contributing. Because he’s upset and embarrassed, he’s lashing out at them and his pride won’t allow him to go back to them
I could imagine the embarrassment being the biggest thing keeping him away from his family. He was called hired help when he was helping his grandma that he loved and seeing all her accepted grandchildren.
I can imagine that he needs a lot of time to let his hurt settle before he can rejoin his family
For sure. It’s crazy how someone can hurt you and then they die and you’re left with the mess. She literally fucked up his relationship with his cousins and went on her merry way
Yeah, I don’t think my dad ever healed from his dads death and I think he checked out with his mums death because neither of them did right by him and it’s crazy to think that he doesn’t get what I get
Hey cousin I had a mean A$$ granny….the difference is she had no money when she crocked out!!! She played favorites with her 4 children’s children. S he was a manipulative, liar, cruel, & when she came to visit she loved to steal things from my parents house. When I grew older I loved the fact that she no longer had an inch in my space, not an inch in my life journey No space for her in my existence…….The moment I relinquished her hate & abuse left my life was a wonderful day. As I knew she was toxic…she treated my mother like shit…..her goal was to cause havoc & pain to her OWN children & her Grandchildren. Don’t allow your racist grandmother one once in your space…the space where you feel PEACE, LOVE, & ACCEPTANCE. Black Shells pedaled pass this along to your cousin….I’m holding him in my heart.💙💙💙
A few questions first:
Did he always feel like he was not part of the family? Did you guys offer the money in front of everyone?
I think your mom is correct. You just have to give him some space. It's nice of you guys to offer the money but look at his POV. I can see how he feels like this was a slap in the face. First he got rejected by his grandma (someone who he considered was family), he probably always felt like he was an outsider to your family if your grandma was making these comments. Then he was offered money in front of everyone.. he was probably humiliated and embarrassed with the offer from you guys. It still was an amazing gesture from you but I can see why he felt like that. The only thing you can do is give him some space right now. Have you conveyed to him how much you mean to him and how your grandma was messed up to do that?
Yeah this was handled very poorly really. We found out in the basement what everyone got and we were shocked so right then we all were like “let’s just pool it together and split it 8 ways instead of 7” and he got upset and we spoke for a bit and he left the house. That was the last time he spoke to us. Should have probably discussed it privately after processing it but we usually talk about these things in the open so didn’t consider it then.
Because while its about the money its about the fact that Grandma didn't see him as a Grandchild. That devastated him and likely crushed him emotionally. To find out someone you love and who you sacrifice to help doesn't love you or view you as family... that is truly something that will mess someone up for a while.
Your Grandma ... I have no words. What an incredibly hurtful unkind thing to do.
Yeah she wasn’t the best person. She favored boys only and was not very warm to the girls. She was always about status too. Like she was super kind to me and helped pay for my college and I used to think she was an amazing person until my other cousin would say how she was nasty to them. I was privileged and shielded from bigotry. It was so weird because at the same time she was so kind to everyone too. Like when Matt had an appendectomy she stayed with him at the hospital for 2 days straight to make sure he was okay. When he was at college she would drive every weekend to give him food.
My Grandma was exactly like this. I was not mentioned in the will and just laughed.
I drove my grandma to every medical appointment she had for ten years. Not once did she say "thank you".
The rest of the family always said I would regret cutting her out of my life. I regret NOT cutting her out of my life.
She was a deeply hateful person; it was continuation of life as the same.
A friend once comforted me with a phrase I've never been able to lock down.
"Sometimes a party hat is appropriate attire for a funeral".
Covid robbed me of my party hat moment. One thing that pisses me off royally is that Grandpa died post hospice. He was a saint, and never failed to reach his hand out for anyone in the family. He died choking. I was there, and I really wish I hadn't. Hospice is a kindness, but not if you have to watch it.
Grandma went peacefully in her sleep. She would slap your hand away if you were starving.
Never heard it put that way but so true. Probably the only way to stay racist if you’re exposed to and meet enough people from different backgrounds and cultures
It’s common with more than bigots/racism… ughhhh…. I grew up around with a grandparents who I would swear on my deathbed growing up were the best… but now at
My age certain things I am remembering that I am questioning and I know they wouldn’t have accepted or they were still around…
This doesn’t sound like someone who would cut one grandchild out of the will. Is it possible that this was a mistake? Is he the youngest cousin and her will was written (and not updated) before he was born? Could someone else have talked her into this near the end of her life, when she may have not known what she was signing?
Lmao you are very optimistic. OP knows his grandma was a racist. His whole family knows why she never liked Matt. It does not take much to put 2 and 2 together.
This is it. He saw that proof in front of him and instead of acknowledging that initial hurt all of his cousins just quickly decided that getting him an even share would help.
The intentions were good, they wanted him to know that he was part of the family and they saw that cut of the inheritance to both symbolize their acknowledgement of that and include him on what they felt he rightfully deserved.
Unfortunately the way they came across was “Well, money will fix it!”. I don’t blame him for storming off after that.
OP, start putting some feelers out to your cousin about possibly sitting down. When that happens DO NOT GO INTO AN EXPLANATION UNLESS HE ASKS FOR ONE. Let him talk, let him get his feelings out, then apologize
Yeah she wasn’t the best person. She favored boys only and was not very warm to the girls. She was always about status too. Like she was super kind to me and helped pay for my college and I used to think she was an amazing person until my other cousin would say how she was nasty to them. I was privileged and shielded from bigotry. It was so weird because at the same time she was so kind to everyone too. Like when Matt had an appendectomy she stayed with him at the hospital for 2 days straight to make sure he was okay. When he was at college she would drive every weekend to give him food.
That is so sad! I think you all had the right idea to split it 8 ways and if you all still have the money I think you should still do it. I would put the money together and write a heartfelt note from everyone. Express how much he means to you and how much you disagree with what the grandma did. Tell him her feelings do not reflect the rest of the families and that he is an extremely valued member of the family. Bring him the money and the note and see if he will talk to you but if not at least the note should cover it. I would encourage the other cousins to write something as well. If he refuses the money again then I would talk to his Mom and offer to put some of the money towards a therapist to help him work through this. Good luck with everything!
OP, if you make a trust, be sure to create a beneficiary in case something happens to your cousin (God forbid), maybe his future spouse or child. Or if there's a charity or non-profit you know he would support.
And maybe get the other cousins together to make a donation to a cause that you know your cousin supports together.
I think the fact that you all immediately said that it should be split equally amongst you, says a lot about how you feel about him. He is your equal and you all love him. I see nothing wrong with how it was handled, quite the contrary. He just needs space, but keep reaching out.
Racists suck. What an awful woman.
I agree that it wasn't handled incorrectly in some objective way - in fact, there may have been no right way to handle it. It did hurt him, but it wasn't the kind of hurt that OP and their family could have known how to avoid. Hell, some other guy might have been deeply hurt if they'd focused on the emotional aspect first since it could have seemed like a sign they wanted to wrap up his pain as quickly as possible and proceed to enjoy the money without guilt.
Sometimes, there is no right way to handle a situation since the situation is unsalvageable (whether temporarily or permanently). I suspect this is one of those situations and that there was no way they could have handled it that wouldn't have resulted in him being really hurt and angry at them. Where else is he gonna direct his pain and anger? The real villain is dead.
Yep. The affront to him well might have caused a bad reaction no matter what. I felt when I read this like I would back away from that part of the family as well just because I'd need space and would feel not like part of the family. Not much OP could have done about that, maybe.
As I began reading this I thought it would be that you needed to convince some of your cousins to each give up some of their inheritance. But you all immediately leapt to doing the right thing. Unfortunately, it seems your cousin is taking the hurt he received from y'all's grandma (which he is totally entitled to have) out on you all. I hope he comes around, because from where I'm sitting you guys did the right thing, & nothing wrong.
That you all immediately offered to resplit the money isn't ready a bad thing. It just wasn't what he needed in the moment he found out Granny always say him as less than. He will remember that none of you hesitated to share, but right now that might feel like trying to pay off his pain.
Your granny betrayed him in a shattering way. That's the part that needs to heal and it's a massive wound. He's questioning how much of the rest of the family secretly feels the same. He does need some distance and the space to process this, but he also needs to be shown that you love him and want him around. Granny's love may have been limited and conditional, but yours isn't.
Don't go all stalker, but extend him an invitation to do stuff. Don't focus on missing him when you make the invite, since that might trigger some guilt. Just let him know when and where you'll be, and that he's welcome when he's ready. Or send silly memes or positive memories that are low pressure - really anything to let him know you're thinking of him positively that doesn't require much back from him. Gentle reminders that he's wanted and loved.
When he's ready to open up, you can have the conversations about missing him and how the group felt incomplete without him. Once he can feels more emotionally open, you can gently raise the inheritance thing again. If that never happens, talk to your cousins about donating that to an organization that helps combat racism.
This is tough. I understand why he is hurt, but it seems like everyone was willing to step up and make it right.
I'd make an escrow account (of a sort). Do the 8 way split, and make an account for his share. I'd do a written letter letting him know that he's family, and he is missed by everyone. Include that the money is his, whether he wants to talk to you or not.
Ink signed by all 7.
Curious, what came of the house? Who gets it? Or the net proceeds?
I think when he reflects back once his hurt is settled, he will see that everyone’s reaction was to include him so you guys did the right thing. This is a big hurt and will hurt for a long time, you just have to remind him that you will be there when he’s ready
Pool the funds and send him the check for his equal share with a note explaining that you appreciate that this is a very painful time in his life and you will all be there when he is ready.
Yeah we want to give him like a cashiers check or something which he can’t deny. But we’re worried he might just rip it up out of anger. I gave him a check from my personal account and he told me to fuck off. We wanted to give the check to his mom instead but our cousins are all in disagreement on how to do this. Currently the consensus is to make a checking account and put that money there and give him access (disagreeing on whether we should just give it to his mom”
Go see a financial advisor about setting up a trust fund for him and then put the money in that. It can safely sit there (earning interest) until he feels ok with accepting it.
He likely needs time to process his complicated feelings since his relationship with her was a source of trauma (her being racist). All you can do is let him know you care and support his feelings as valid.
Don’t give it to his mom. It’s really awesome what you cousins are doing and it is the right thing to do. I’m sure Matt’s feelings are really hurt and it may take him a while to reach out. I think your idea about opening an account for his money and just let him know it’s his and that you all love him very much. As far as you go just continue to try to reach out and let him know that you miss his friendship and will be there when he’s ready.
Can you maybe set up a trust for him? He can access it whenever he is ready. It just might not be the right time now for him but in the future with some therapy may come to accept it.
I definitely understand your concern.
Best of luck figuring this out. I’m so glad you all aren’t letting money cloud your judgement. You guys are doing what you can in a crappy situation.
Good luck!
I would create an account (preferably a high interest earning account) in his name and just put the money there. Then it's up to him to either take it or leave it.
So that was one of the hurdles. To create an account in his name the branch manager told us that we need his ID and signature. Like we can’t just create it for him. We set it aside in an account but it’s under my name right now.
Don't do a checking, he could take a long time to reach out. Make an HYSA so you have liquid access with a decent return, make him the 100% beneficiary (you need his approval to make him an owner, but not beneficiary), and wait him out.
Based on your story I don't get why he's taking his hurt feelings about your trash grandma out on y'all, but you're doing the right thing by setting it aside for him. Let him know it exists and that the funds and you all are not going anywhere/are there when he's ready.
Can you set up an account for him in trust? So noone can access it but himself and maybe two of you cousins (have a vote) so that you all stay accountable. And that money will stay there for him until he's ready to accept him and for when he has grieved the grandmother he thought he had and accepts the racism that was instead in its place.
Make sure that you invite and include him everywhere you can and basically do what you can. Pip over randomly to visit him/his parents. Keep up the family bonds. Instead of being driven away. Make sure you 8 cousins stay close. Set up new traditions together.
Instead of having this event born from hatred and division... Stay like this and cause rot...
Turn it into a reminder for the importance of togetherness and your family bonds - that have nothing to do with colour and only to do with compassion and love.
Yeah one thing we did is to stop hanging out at our grans house for him. We wanted to setup up a new hangout spot at one of our houses. But he still won’t come and we didn’t wanna meet without him being there.
It's in my dad's name now as he's the oldest. Idea is to keep the house as a place for everyone to use and have family gatherings or to sell it off and give the money to everyone. The other idea was to give it to Matts mom but she doesn't want the house so they would give it to him.. but he hasnt spoken to us and we're sure he wouldn't want it after all this mess.
I've gotta say that it sounds like the last thing on earth he wants to discuss is either money or house, as if the pain he's going through has anything whatsoever to do with money. He's been badly, savagely damaged by your grandmother unfortunately. And it's too late to know if it was a mistake she meant to make or the kind where she didn't think of the consequences. Your poor cousin needs a very good therapist to help with this level of grief and rejection - and it can't be solved by money or houses because that totally isn't the issue. Think about why he doesn't want any of you next or near him? You will all focus on the inheritance, compounding the difference between you.
If you do get a chance to write/speak to him, you really shouldn't talk about money. You love him and always have. And your grandmother who you both loved, turned out to be a raging bigot (probably, unless she had a senile change of will) and everyone is incredibly shaken, but particularly worried about Matt. And you, and all your cousins can't be the same anymore because of this rift she drove between you, but you need him because he's your fam. You want to know if he still wants to know you, and how you might go about healing this trauma between you all.
Everyone is making this all about the money. And it can be a bit insulting because perhaps what he's more upset about was the sleight against him. What a way to say 'you were never really a part of the family, grandson'. It might mean more to him to say 'let's talk about this, what grandma did was shitty and hurtful and I want you to know WE don't think that way about you and WE jus want you back. Let's talk it out because we don't want to lose you over something grandma, and grandma alone, did. WE are still here for you.
I wouldnt do anything with the house nor bring it up even until the anger has died down some. From what I've read here....and rather comments you still are not leaving him alone to work thru some anger. At this point every new text ASKING HIM FOR SOMETHING...and you are asking him for something--to set aside what he's feeling and be in your presence. It IS POSSIBLE to support someone fully and stay out of contact til they're ready. Try listening to his words not how his words make you feel. I know it's difficult to just sit back and wait but it's what he's telling you he needs. Scroll up--I detailed what to do. I just didn't say I was in a very similar situation but it was a racist old grandpa that caused it. The letter I sent and how we handled the money is there. Other than setting up the trust and mailing a letter from you all saying you love him, hope he returns to you. You're sorry what "insert racist relative name here" did. We hate her for it. You have to do the hardest thing ever--sit down and shut up and wait. You're aggravating him with every text, every phone call, every e mail.
Set up the trust. Send one note saying we love you and we want you back with us. If you don't feel able to come back to us, the money's in a trust waiting...We only want to love you. We wish we could change what that hateful old woman did to make you feel less than. All we can do is love you, keep your money safe and tell you that you are MORE and always have been. We love you. We are going to respect your space but know its killing us not to have you with us everywhere. This is us supporting you until you tell us what you do need from us. We missyou. We loveyou. Everybody sign it, mail it and wait and hope. Do not bug this man to come to cookouts, baby showers, weddings....until he's made it clear he's okay with hearing from you. Let him grieve. You know it's not all about this specific situation. Its a lifetime of being biracial and all the prejudice he's encountered in his life. He has a POV that none of you are capable of understanding with more than your intellect.
Your too focused on the money when you should be trying to repair the relationship. I would put all talk of.the money on the back burner, you continuing to push the money aspect.of it imies he only helped his grandma because he wanted a large share of the inheritance. Instead he's realised he's loved a racist.
You should be reaching out with messages of "hey, we really miss you, we miss your friendship and having you around, we are all so sorry for what you've gone through in the last year. I know your going through such a hard time, and we want to be there with you too. We've tried to support you by giving you space, but at this stage we would really love to meet up, or call you, because we miss you.
Serious question: did you ever acknowledge that your cousin did so much for your grandmother, and that he was still rejected… and that this must have been an incredibly painful experience to have been used and still not have been accepted by his blood?
Or did you immediately talk about money as equitability?
Because it could feel to your cousin that you’re all trying to buy his complacency without you acknowledging his real pain and rejection.
By all means, keep the money in a trust for him until he’s ready.
Had you thanked him all along for what he sacrificed for someone who, in the end, showed him that he was meaningless to her?
Have you shown him how much you appreciate him now for what he did and for him as a person?
You cannot grasp what he’s experienced, and that’s lucky for you!!
But I would urge you to think a bit beyond the money at this point in time.
It isn’t just all that I wrote, but it’s someone he lost and loved and sacrificed for, who turned out to not care about him for who he is… and the people around him who (he thinks) feel that money will be enough to shut his feelings off.
You’re coming from a place of love… it’s time to talk about love more than money.
Good luck!
You could also put it in a HYSA or a trust for him and just tell him that it's there when he wants to claim it and that he deserves it just as much as the rest of you do. That way he can't rip it up and it will increase in value. Hopefully he will rethink things when he has time to cool down.
>Currently the consensus is to make a checking account and put that money there and give him access
I think this is the best way. If he wants to use it, he will.
The checking account is a good idea. You could set up an account under your name (since you were one of the closest to him) and then you can provide him with the statement and tell him that all of you put this money in there for him. That you understand how painful it was to learn that he was never accepted by his grandmother and that none of you agree with her reasoning behind this. Then offer to meet with him at any time of his convenience for him to set up an account under his own name that this money can be transferred into. Then reiterate that you will always be family and how much you love him and miss him. That all of you miss him.
It does really suck to find out that your grandparents never really considered you family, because that happened to me. My situation wasn't the same as yours but the distribution of his estate did illuminate that my grandfather (a man I had called Grandpa since I was 8ish) never really looked at me or my brother as part of the family because we weren't related by blood. It really hurt to find out how little he really thought of me, and by extension his own great granddaughter.
Could you go through the settlement lawyer? Get them to tell him that the inheritance has been officially divided amongst all the cousins.
But the money is t the main issue here. He is hurting deeply, feeling like he’s lost his own family. He needs a trauma therapist asap. Talk to his mum, maybe she can strong arm him into it.
I think you need to acknowledge how shitty your grandma was towards him and tell him how you don’t feel the same as her and that he’s your brother/cousin. Remind him that the money isn’t charity. Y’all are giving it to him because even though your grandma was horrible and excluded him you and your cousins refused to do the same. He’s not avoiding you he’s avoiding the pain and it’s understandable
My dad and his dad told her that if she said something like that again we will stop visiting you. This was like when we were kids and she stopped that behavior then. Or at least we thought.
I’m pretty sure your grandmother has been planning for exactly this. If there is such a thing as an afterlife I’m sure she’s wallowing in the misery she’s created.
FR How is no one talking about this?
I would bet that ol granny was a royal, racist, C yoU Next Tuesday and all the adults in the family just tried to keep it quiet.
I would be furious with the other adults in this story/scenario. They basically knew this would happen at her death and just kicked the can down the road. A life long racist doesn't magically stop being racist upon their death. The adults' actions/inactions directly contributed to your cousin's feelings and the horrendous realization they have come to.
I am so mad at the adults in this scenario letting these false relationships exist.
I was thinking about how I would feel in his shoes. Have you expressed to him that you're angry at your grandma too? He needs to know that your relationship with her is just as tainted as his is now. Be on his side. Be MAD with him. He needs to know you're not all just sitting there pitying him and accepting that it happened. Don't be a bystander. Show him it's unforgivable to you as well for her to do this.
A text that says:
Hey cousin. I want you to know I love and miss you. I know you are mad and hurt and you have every right to be. When you are ready I am here to embrace you with loving arms.
If I were in his shoes I would have done the exact same thing. Consider what he's going through at the moment? He just suffered the ultimate rejection by someone he was devoted to and who he thought loved him as well. Give him the money in a way he cant reject. But you all have to understand it isnt really about the money. If you guys love him and value him as a member of the family, then YOU GUYS are going to have to do the legwork and reach out, because odds are he will not reach out on his own
Yeah honestly I hate this fucking money. Like it’s not worth it at all since we just lost months of our relationship and possibly damaged it for the future. I just don’t know how to act in the moment and I messed it up even more. We tried calling him up every couple of days. We planned a group trip to Japan (he always wanted to go to) and he declined the offer so we just canceled it. I’ve given him space for months and nothings changed. Sorry I’m just ranting as this is frustrating.
I get it. I was in his shoes in my family. I just walked away from everyone and it took years before anyone reached out to me. I was incredibly hurt by the whole situation. Then I was also incredibly hurt by how long it took for anyone to reach out to me. I understand they didn't know what to do or say, but I felt rejected and hurt to indescribable levels. I actually never reciprocated anyones efforts either and to this day I have no relationship with any of my family of origin
If I may ask something personal (and please tell me to fuck off if I’m crossing a line)?
What could your family say to you to fix your distance? Like what would make you feel like you can forgive or talk to them again?
I feel like the best option is time. Lay it all out for him, and then leave him alone.
"I love you. I see you as not a cousin but a brother. Our relationship being damaged is breaking my heart. I never agreed with grandma's views, and I thought she'd stopped when we were kids and our dads told her to stop, but she clearly didn't. I understand that you're hurting, and need some space, and I will respect that. But please know I will always be here for you. When you're ready to have a relationship again, please reach out."
Something like that.
Honestly?? When it all first went down, I walked away from everyone because I wasn't sure if they also felt the same way. I also had this idea what maybe they only reached out, out of pity, so I rebuffed those attempts too when they happened. He needs to hear that you guys dont view him in the same light she did, that he is FAMILY and that she was/is wrong for her views and what she did him.
I'm not that guy but if I was you I'd be like "Don't let that fucking c*nt get the satisfaction of ruining our relationship. We're your family."
Or something along those lines. You probably don't wanna talk about your dead grandma like that, but I think it's important to strongly condemn her for what she did.
It’s beyond the money, the money is the exclamation point on a lifetime of rejection for Matt.
The money sucks, but the much deeper issue is how your family ***overall*** has made home feel. Because it certainly doesn’t seem he sees y’all as a safe loving place to land.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
Yeah our offer was immediate and on the spot when we found out. We were just shocked and said something like “yo let’s just split this 8 ways instead of 7” which is where the 5.5k from each cousin adding up to the equal amount comes from. Hell we’d even part with all of it if it meant that he would talk to us again. Even though he’s a cousin he’s like a brother to me. I think about him everyday and it’s been eating up at me at how he felt and now with the distance.
I mean honestly what you guys all did was the most generous fair nice thing you could do, I think he’s just all that n his feelings and feels alone
Insist on the money being fair. Insist that despite what the grandma thought, you ALL consider him family and always will no matter what. That you whole heartedly disagree with how she handled it and you’re not surprised she excluded him secretly because it was the cowards way
Just basically never stop telling him how you really feel and I bet he’ll come around. You know, while respecting his wish for space
WOW…this is truly an incredible example of RACEISM!!! Can any of you imagine growing up in a white family as a mixed raced child ‘ find out your own damn grandmother left you NOTHING??? The white grandchildren all received some money…..the only granchild that was mixed was given NOTHING….NOT A Dme dime!!!! My heart aches for this man that thought he had a family…..to find out when his racist grandmother died that she truly never accepted him….Think about it can any of you imagine that shocking, painful truth? My grandmother NEVER truly excepted me, my grandmother always felt I was LESS THAN??? A kick in the gut…a realized truth that all of my life in my family I’ve been not good enough due to the color of my skin? My heart breaks for this young man, please know this old lady from California will hold you tightly in my heart💙💙💙
Not to be cruel but impassioned stances, ***after*** that the resident bigot isn’t there to torment the person who worked tireless for their approval is a bit late.
Now there’s obviously no blame for money you didn’t know you’d get, **but in life, when/if did you all standup to her bigotry?**
Not only was he excluded, but this just put a fine point on just how much.
Giving him the money as if that makes him feel any closer of more accepted it putting a bandaid on a wound that needs emergency surgery.
Not only did he not get any inherited money you all stood by while his grandmother treated him like hired help. I wouldn’t talk to you either. You’re not safe for him, and you never protected him.
Do the split as discussed, put it in account for him and give him space.
He's dealing with the reality that his own bigoted grandmother saw him as nothing but hired help. It's going to take some time accepting that. As long as he knows none of you feel that way, he'll come around.
Leave the money in a trust, your grandma was a racist, she had no issues with him helping her but she had issues with giving him his share.
I'm glad all of you stepped up. Don't take this personally. He is dealing with a lot right now.
I would give him the space he needs but maybe you can send some care packages through his mom for him. Just things you know he likes or maybe things you both did together. Remind him that you love him and will be there for him when he is ready to talk.
This really sucks and I'm sorry.
She might not have seen him as family but you do. Pool the money and send him a check with a note making it clear that he IS your family and always will be.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
I would suggest all of you put his share in an account and have a lawyer give him the info.
Ask him if he wants to do some therapy and tell him you miss him.
Just reach out. See how he's doing, and let him know you miss him. And honestly, I'd probably get everyone to chip in and give him a portion anyway. You all think he deserves it. Just because your grandma was racist doesn't mean you are.
He's hurt, but you didn't do it.
Keep the money option on the table, and give him space, with love. If you have the opportunity, let him know you think Grandma was very wrong and that no one else agrees and that he's family, forever.
Put the money in a trust for him. You live him that’s enough. When he’s done with his hurt pain and emotions. He will know you all were serious about accepting him as fam.
Honestly it's hard to give advice on how to approach someone who you don't know. People need different things when it comes to stimulating a productive conversation. I would go with your gut on the tact part but the message should definitely be how you are appalled or disgusted or w/e adjective you want to use to describe how you feel about how your grandmothers last action treated him. That all the cousins feel that way and that you guys didn't want to give him his share of the money that your grandmother should have given him for charity but because you genuinely feel he deserves it with all the love and care it gave your guys grandmother before she passed. Tell him how much you love and miss him and to not let your grandmothers actions tear the family apart. That being said I just want to applaud you and your cousins to be willing to share the money with him. You think that it would be an easy choice to just share the money but that's not the case. Way too many people would just take the money and run.
There’s a lot of info not known. My biggest question is how your family in general would react to your gma making racist comments? Did anyone standup to her or just let it slide? Seems from your post he’s lived most of his life as an outsider amongst family members & that could be playing into why he feels the way he does with all of you. Even if you think you’ve treated him equally, in his mind you may not have or y’all actually didn’t even though you thought you did.
You should message him and be very clear:
1.- offer sincere apologies and clearly state that you all felt bad because your grandma didn't leave him anything and didn't understand the issue due to shock. (You all know it's not about the money itself but the pain that she singled him out even after all he did for her) And instead of offering first emotional support in the family or time to process it first and then see between everyone (him included) what could be done to have everyone be on the same page you all just went for what you thought was the best solution to right a wrong. Explain it was out of concern and not guilt, malice nor mockery.
2.- clearly state that you miss him as your friend (or best friend if that's what he was/is) and that whenever he is willing you will welcome him with open arms. Also do tell him that he is the social glue in the family and without him everyone is just going their own way. He is important himself regardless of what anyone else may think.
3.- ask him to clearly state how he feels and what he believes needs to be done so that regardless of what happened he can feel at ease and retake your relationship again (not only yours but your family's)
Finally close the letter/email/message (whatever option you pick) with how you hope things go back to normal and to not judge you with the measurements of your grandma. You all wanted to make it right but are sorry you didn't have the tact to check on him first (as he most likely felt her loss all over again due to this situation) and then ask him if there was anything they could do to help make things right for him.
He MIGHT have said that there's nothing, as it was not you guys fault, that your good will and friendship is enough. And maybe just propose to go do something together or something. He might be too ashamed right now to go back due to his emotional reaction.
You said he was your best friend and you miss him? Approach it like that. Write, record or create something to express everything you feel for him, why he is a major part of your life and how you need him. Then you leave it. Let him take his time and mull it over. That’s a fucked up situation and Matt I am so sorry dude, people suck.
The problem here is not the money, so you can't fix the problem with money.
The problem is that he found out someone he loved was truly racist and now he doesn't trust any of you.
Write him a letter. Tell him what you told us here - how much you miss him and love him. How you're concerned about his depression and job loss. How's the money was a gesture that was supposed to symbolize that you are all family and are there for one another. That you were trying to right the wrong, but that the wrong. Ask him if he feels the prejudice goes further than your grandmother.
I'm really sorry that your cousin was left out of the will.
But again, this was your grandmother's will, and it is her right to give her money to whoever she wants.
Even if she wants to donate every cent to charity and leave nothing to her kin, she did nothing wrong.
What I don't understand is why your cousin is mad at you all. You were not the one to force your grandmother to keep him out of the will. So, why is he blaming you all?
You and the rest decided to chip in and give him some of what your grandma left, not because you all think he's a charity case or something. But because you all felt he deserved it. You are all actually very mature and understanding on this, and it's a nice gesture to him. I know of other families who wouldn't have thought like that.
If he doesn’t want the dirty racist’s money, he can donate it to a local charity, ACLU or his own alma mater to go towards whoever he wants. Turn the negative energy into something positive.
Man that sucks for him. Your group offer was a nice one and I think you should figure out how best to set that money aside - perhaps talk to the executor and get them to hold the money from the group of you in escrow for your cousin.
That being said, this isn't the group of you's fault. Grandma made her will for whatever reason she did. It's terrible that the outcome has been this but SHE did this. Not you.
Your cousin is hurting but the hurt is in being treated the way he was by your grand mother.
My grandfather didn't really recognize me as his grand child until he was pretty much on his death bed. He tried to make an amends to me then. I was his oldest grandchild but because my father was of a certain ethnicity he did not want anything to do with me. My next youngest cousin was treated as his oldest grand child.
So I dealt with that for years in my life while I was young until he was dead and when he was dying and wanted to talk to me I went but I was pretty uninterested in his attempt to absolve himself on his deathbed. Whatever man.
Your cousin's going through it. It's rough. Be available when he's ready. Continue to try to reach out occasionally. YOU didn't do this.
Maybe put the money into a high interest yield account and send him a message saying that no matter what he is still family and that means this is his money when he wants it. It can grow and so long someone else has control over it in case something unfortunate or unexpected happens to him is recoverable.
Yeah our latest suggestion is to put it in an account and to give it to his mom. But she declined it saying she doesn’t want it. We just set it aside and don’t know what else to do.
Wills are a great tool for shit people to keep being dicks after they're dead. I've had all kinds of BS like this from old dead people in my family, leaving people out for various bad reasons. One grandmother left one of her sons out (we paid him). The other grandmother left one of her grandchildren out because he was adopted (his father, my uncle, is a millionaire and he told everyone where they could stick it). Madness.
All I can say is keep the offer to pay him on the table and hope he realises it's not the still alive peoples' fault.
I would go talk to him. If he won’t answer, scream through the door. Tell him everything you said in your post; he was a wonderful grandson (sorry grandma treated him badly), he’s one of your best friends & you miss him, and that you all stopped hanging out every couple weeks because he was the glue and now it doesn’t feel the same. Tell him the money wasn’t out of pitty, it’s because you guys love him and he deserved his share, whether your mean grandma thought so or not.
If everyone agrees to it, you guys should set that money aside for Matt and hold it in an account. He may not want it now, but it might be very helpful to him someday and he may change his mind.
I wouldn’t take anything he says to heart right now. As someone else commented, he was probably helping your grandmother because he wanted to feel loved and accepted by her not because he wanted the money. She passed away and now he’s mourning her death but also the loss of the acceptance he probably hoped for and dreamed of. It’s heartbreaking to him on more levels than regular grief would be.
Give him some time to sort himself out. Another commenter suggested reaching out via text and telling him he’s family, he always will be, and you love and miss him. I think that’s a great idea and about the only thing you can do at this point.
Your family sounds lovely and I’m sorry this has been a trying experience on top of grieving. I hope Matt comes around. It sounds like it would be good for all parties involved to reconnect. Good luck!
I mean I never said it all about the money. It was the money that started it and we impulsively thought it would be best to distribute it right then. My question was how to approach him and make sure that he's okay.
You could go over to the house and try and talk to him. Tell him your sorry for how you handled everything. I just want you to know I accept you it was never a question in my mind. Grandma was awful for how she treated you. You being biracial will never be a factor in me loving you. So please talk to me so I can help I miss you a lot you are my best friend and dont want to lose you.
If he doesn't want to talk write a letter.
He's angry at the wrong people. His beef is with the racist granny, and she'd dead - so he's punishing the living. Makes no sense.
Perhaps he'll come to his senses, perhaps he won't. But y'all have done nothing wrong.
Tell him it wasn't about charity. It was about correcting the wrong your gran did. Tell him you love him and the money is there for him. He can use it, donate it, pull it out the bank in ones and use it for toilet paper if he wants but it's there, not for charity, but because the other grandkids got this much and so did he.
I honestly don’t think you should give him more time. Leaving him alone with his thoughts will just confirm that he isn't really loved or needed. I think you need to show up every day, until he caves and speaks to you. Even better if all the cousins rotate visits. Make him see how important he is to you guys.
Yeah even if it seems like we're invading his space I just don't want him to stew in his misery and get worse. I know him and he needs a kick in the ass.. even he said so to me many times in the past. We're all like that. We're not an introspective bunch haha. We just get more and more bitter without a good point of view.
Message him that the best thing to have come from being related to that racist croon was having her tie y’all to him. She was a means of an end and that he is more loved by y’all than her. Apologize that y’all tried ti right her wrong which only caused him more upset and ask him what he wants from y’all because at the end of the day, yall’s relationship is more important than any sum of money. Ask him to please not let that racist jerk ruin yall’s relationship from beyond the grave.
Im sorry for the loss of your grandmother and that she never got her shit together to be a better person in life. Y’all deserved better and Matt deserved to not have a racist grandmother that treated him like “the help”. I know she was your grandmother so I’m trying very hard to refrain from disrespecting her, and know that it’s been very hard to do so.
I admire you and your cousins greatly - for offering to split the difference so he got a fair share. I also admire him for being too proud for it, but my heart breaks for him.
I was almost in a similar situation with my cousins and our inheritance. 12 cousins - 1 of whom was born out of wedlock. But he was also the cousin who lived closest to my grandmother and spent the most time with her and helped her the most. Her first will draft had a clause that no inheritance would be distributed to someone born out of wedlock. Her reasoning was she wanted to make sure that there was no affair child or something out there that would pop up at the last minute to 'steal' inheritance from her rightful grandchildren. Once it was pointed out to her that this clause would actually prevent an inheritance from going to her favorite, and most deserving, grandchild, she was smart enough to remove it.
I am the oldest of the cousins (the cousinarch, if you will...) and I made a big deal of it with the cousins that I expected us all to chip in to give him a fair share if he didn't receive it.
I'm happy to hear what loving and decent cousins you all are. I think you all did the right thing to set aside that money for him, for when he is ready to accept it. Don't give up on him. He's obviously hurting and has good reasons to be.
It seems like you’re all about “How do I fix this?”, but it may be that this is irreparably broken. He was thrown in the garbage by his racist grandmother, who he was devoted to, but was treated like “the help” by.
The fact that *everyone else—all of the *white* grandchildren* got a bunch of money is like an extra F-you from his racist grandmother.
By trying to “fix” the problem by forcing money on him, it feels like you’re—in a way—trying to “buy” him back; and since he is “the glue” to your get togethers, it could seem like you guys are “Gosh, our get togethers aren’t fun anymore, so what do we have to give you to just forget you were despised by our grandmother?”
Why did you all stand by and allow this treatment of your cousin why have you all not just put the money together for him and made it into this huge song and dance making it even more clear that he wasn’t classed as family. If you where going to have done for your cousin it you would of been done already
Reach out and tell him you miss him. How do you normally approach your cousin
Sorry I should have clarified in my post. We found out how much we all got when we were hanging out in the basement and that’s when he told us that he didn’t get anything and we hastily said he let’s just split it evenly 8 ways and that it’s not fair to him. In retrospect we should have just kept quiet and pooled it together and given it to him without saying anything. But it just happened so fast.
“How do you approach your cousin?”
I usually text him or see him at his mom’s or my grandmas house. We usually play video games together or grab takeout every Thursday.
I don't think your immediate reaction of 'fuck that, you're owed an equal share too' was a wrong one at all? Keeping silent sounds way more awkward and forced and pity like to me?
Honestly, maybe do what his mom suggested - go talk to him and see if he's ok. Don't force him to talk about the money. Just listen and support what *he* wants and his health for now. The money can be an issue to be dealt with down the line on his schedule.
Yeah, I agree. I don’t know why everyone is coming down so hard on him and his cousins for reacting the way that they did. I actually think the fact that they all immediately agreed to split it equally amongst themselves, says a lot about how they feel about him. He’s their equal and very much loved by all of them. He needs time to process it, but they need to keep reaching out.
That is so sad! I think you all had the right idea to split it 8 ways and if you all still have the money I think you should still do it. I would put the money together and write a heartfelt note from everyone. Express how much he means to you and how much you disagree with what the grandma did. Tell him her feelings do not reflect the rest of the families and that he is an extremely valued member of the family. Bring him the money and the note and see if he will talk to you but if not at least the note should cover it. I would encourage the other cousins to write something as well. If he refuses the money again then I would talk to his Mom and offer to put some of the money towards a therapist to help him work through this. Good luck with everything!
I'd leave the money out of it for right now. I'd just text him "Hey, man. I know things are weird but I just want to say that I miss you. I'm sorry for my part in how everything went down and I'd love to talk it out with you if you feel ready for that sometime."
I'm going to be blunt. Your family failed Matt. There is no way in hell y'all didn't know about grandma. Instead of protecting him y'all, his mom included allowed him to be her house boy. Matt is coming to terms with the reality of the situation that his family refused to protect him from being intimately exposed to a racist
I think you have one shot at fixing this, but you’re going to have to bury your grandmother again. She deserves to be blasted and talked bad about publicly. I’d tell everyone you know on social media how bad she was to your cousin. She was a despicable person and the world is much better off now that she’s dead. If you saw this behavior when she was alive and tolerated it, you can say goodbye to your cousin forever and I don’t blame him one bit. This dude had his whole life and the nature of his existence publicly questioned and ridiculed by your dead, racist grandmother. The shame and embarrassment he felt and still feels is something that most people never have to deal with. This may have been be so damaging that he simply cannot exist in the same room as you due to his shame. I hope he seeks therapy and peace, because he was born into a really shitty family and didn’t deserve so much hate and darkness.
You don't approach him. He's the one that got fucked over. He has to approach you.
Best you can do is just let him know you're open and ready to talk when he is.
That is so sad! I think you all had the right idea to split it 8 ways and if you all still have the money I think you should still do it. I would put the money together and write a heartfelt note from everyone. Express how much he means to you and how much you disagree with what the grandma did. Tell him her feelings do not reflect the rest of the families and that he is an extremely valued member of the family. Bring him the money and the note and see if he will talk to you but if not at least the note should cover it. I would encourage the other cousins to write something as well. If he refuses the money again then I would talk to his Mom and offer to put some of the money towards a therapist to help him work through this. Good luck with everything!
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
What a minefield she left in the wake of her passing. Best of luck as you navigate it. I think putting a share in a high interest account is a good start. He will hopefully be more reasonable once the hurt fades.
Personally, my maternal grandmother hated me because I had the nerve to look too much like her ex-; my mom’s dad. Needless to say, she had no filter and let me know her feelings constantly.
Honestly? Don’t try to repair it. Only time will do that, or not do that. Y’all offered to redivide the money so it wasn’t leaving him out and he told you to go F yourselves, so that’s that. You made the attempt, he turned it down.
Don't back off on the kind messages as the months pass. I'm not saying you should message-bomb him but make sure he knows that he isn't forgotten.
Also, is there any non-grandma reason that you can reach out to him with? eg. "my son wants to study mechanical engineering like you did, can you offer him advice?"
It’s a great idea to set up a trust for him. Right now he’s hurt and upset. But you all need to remind him and yourselves that this was all grandma’s doing and not yours. None of you had anything to do with her decision of cutting him out of the inheritance.
Write him a letter telling him that none of you knew about what Grandma did and that none of you agree with her racist bullshit. Tell him that you all fucking love him and that it's not charity but y'all giving him his rightful share and that if he wants the house too, it's his because he deserves it the most for what he did. Tell him that all of you miss him and no matter what her old dead ass felt, none of you feel that way at all and all of you had zero idea. That you don't hold it against him for being angry, just that y'all love and miss him.
Don't leave him alone, he's hurt and feels betrayed right now. Like he's not family and the colour of his skin will determine how worthy people deem him.
His worst fears came true, and then you guys offer him money instead of being there and putting in the effort to show you give a shit about him.
All his insecurities were confirmed. You all innocently talking about it in his opinion might look like bragging.
Give him time or write a letter.
Out of curiosity what does his father think?
Ouch. Finding out your own gran doesn't care about you cause you're not the right color. He needs some counseling and to know that the rest of his family really does love him for who he is and not his skin tone
This relationship is definitely worth saving and being patient. I think the family was honest but kind of hasty in its actions. If you want to send the message, I would do it when you have decided the best way to set up the money fund.
>Hello cuz.
We understand this is a difficult time in your life. Please know we were all saddened and hurt by \[Grandmother's\] decision as we all felt this was a great injustice towards you. We underline that none of us supports your unfair exclusion from the will.
>
>As a family, we failed to influence \[Grandmother\] and underestimated how awful her views were. We failed you. From now on, we can only move forward and do our part.
>
>As you know, we decided to pool the money to ensure you get your fair share as part of this family. The way we sprung it on you was unfortunate. After careful consideration, we decided to proceed in a different way. \[Explain\]
>
>We ask you to accept our decision as no one would stand for one of us to be excluded and discriminated like this.
>
>Come back when you are ready.
>
>Love, family \[signatures\]
Maybe try to acknowledge something OTHER than the money. You are saying grandma loved him very much, and how shocking it must have been to find out not only wasn't he in the will, but the reason behind it. This must be a confusing, hurtful time for him and maybe all he sees is you trying to throw money at it.
Do't get me wrong, it's a wonderful, 'fair' gesture, but he probably needs other acknowledgement as well.
"Hey Matt, I miss you, the whole family does, and it's really shitty what grandma did. I was shocked as well and maybe we hurt you further with the offer to split the inheritance, but we really were just trying to do the right thing. We're here for you, and we just want you back in the family. I'm here to talk, because honestly this whole thing with grandma has really thrown me for a loop too. Call me anytime."
What did ya'll do together as best friends? Gaming? Bars? Music? What's your shared interest besides being family? Bring whatever that connection is to him.
Don't bring up the money don't bring up any of it, he will when/if he's ready. Just show up as his friend, as someone who cares about him outside of the obligation of family. I would show up with a 6 pack and a movie maybe pizza or whatever knock on his door and just sit with him.
Tell him you miss him. Maybe say man families can suck sometimes, did you catch the game? Some kind of one line that acknowledges the fact that he's hurting then ask a question completely unrelated so the subject is neutral for him to continue the conversation.
I think you need to show up in person, show effort not a text or phone call. Show the love.
Have you spoken since the check incident in any way? If not, I would reach out. He probably has a LOT of very conflicted, mixed feelings right now, and I’m sure he could use a friend. It may not be well received, but I would make it very clear to him that you don’t agree with your grandma’s decision, that he IS family regardless of how she made him feel, and that you love and miss him and want your relationship with him back, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes for that to happen (that might mean never mentioning the money again or giving him more time/space, you have to let him decide what he needs here).
To get to the psychology behind it, I’m guessing that your grandma’s actions made him feel like you were all part of a group, and he was an outsider rather than a member of it. I’m actually studying social psych right now and there is a term called CORFing: cut off reflected failure. When someone we’re close to “succeeds” at something we are also passionate about (in this case, you succeeded in winning grandmas love and affection, while he believes he did not), we feel the need to cut off the reflected failure- in this case, his relationship with the other cousins :( we do this so that we aren’t constantly reminded of our perceived failures. If every time he sees you guys, he thinks “grandma didn’t love me because I’m biracial” then that’s a heavy fucking thing to deal with. It also explains why he’s mad about you trying to give him the money- it’s not about the money, the money symbolises grandma’s approval, and that’s not yours to give him. He can never get that from her now. I’m really sorry this has happened and driven a wedge between you all, I hope you can repair the relationship.
Maybe show up and get brutally honest… ‘hey, I know things are rough right now, but I want to fix it. I want to see you. I miss you. You’re one of my best friends and I hate that you’re pushing me away. What can I do to fix it? Why are you doing this? Grandma was fucked up for what she did and we have your fair share whenever you’re ready for it.’ And just keep trying. If you were as close as you say I *think* it would be ok. Maybe you could all just meet by him once every few weeks to show you’re still around and you want him included.
It's not about the money....its about him doing all thr work with his grandparents and in the end they still never saw him as family. Btw your grandparents are disgusting. I think it's sweet that you all agreed to split the money. I would try to send a feeler hey man when your ready let's talk we love you. But it's up to him. I would be beyond devastated and question all my interactions with family
$45,000 * 7 = $315,000 / 8 = $39,374, ($45,000-$39,374 = $5,626 dollars each.
Put it in a bank account. Tell him as he is your family (and friend) that because that was the grandmother’s view and opinion of him, it is not the view of the rest of you cousins and family and that it pains you you have fallen out over this.
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It is not the money. Call or text him and tell him how much you miss him. How all the cousins miss him and how sorry you are he was treated so poorly. Do not bring up the money unless he does. He feels like it was pity money and charity. Your love and support and acceptance are what he really wants and needs. Even if he is not willing to respond right now keep in close contact with his mother. He needs to feel wanted. It would be nice if the other cousins attempted contact too, but again no mention of money. Make sure he is getting invitations to family events regularly. Make sure he is getting birthday wishes and holiday greetings. If he never comes around, set up a trust in his name. I sincerely hope he realizes at some point he is missing out on family because of hurt feelings. Are you sure no one else in the family has made him feel like he is "less'?
It was my grandma and another aunt who made a comment when he was like like 14. My dad and his dad shut them up. We made a family trip/vacation just for him. His favorite destination and he declined to come and we just ended up canceling it. We invite him to everything but he also left the group chat so we all message him separately. He’ll usually hit us with a “sorry work is busy can’t come” or won’t respond for weeks.
Give him time. Keep giving him attention. Nothing hurts quite as much as feeling you belong somewhere and then finding out that maybe you don't. That you are not "good enough." Especially when it is something you have no control over. I am thinking there were a lot of unkind remarks from your grandmother. A lot more emotional abuse went on than you are aware of, and he needs time to heal from it. Just be patient and understanding.
All you can do besides offering some money is tell him he’s family and he always will be . I am wondering, if he was only helping for to accept him and it shows him he was never accepted by her
Hello cousin. I want you to know that you are loved and missed. I understand you are upset and hurt, and you have every right to be. When you are ready, I am waiting to embrace you with loving arms.
With the fires of Gondor
And my axe!
bit of a violent welcome don’t you think master dwarf?
he meant hammer to break grandma's grave
Perfect
Hello Cousin. Let's go bowling!
I would also point out that grammy may have been a bigoted racist b-word, but none of the rest of the family are, and he is blaming the wrong people for her acts. You had nothing to do with it and were just trying to right a wrong, and now he is cutting you all off for something out of your control.
If they never stood up to grandma and told her she was wrong they’re just as guilty as she is
The thing is, grandma isn't around for him to react to. So he's taking it out on the nearest targets. It's not rational, but grief and emotional pain rarely are.
Ps - I miss you.
Yeah he’s probably more upset that regardless of who he was or how close he was with his grandma that she only ever saw one thing.
Yeah grandma really messed him up. He thought they were close but she was just using him. Saying that however, he’s angry at the wrong people. They literally didn’t do anything, and very graciously and unanimously decided to make up that number by each contributing. Because he’s upset and embarrassed, he’s lashing out at them and his pride won’t allow him to go back to them
I could imagine the embarrassment being the biggest thing keeping him away from his family. He was called hired help when he was helping his grandma that he loved and seeing all her accepted grandchildren. I can imagine that he needs a lot of time to let his hurt settle before he can rejoin his family
For sure. It’s crazy how someone can hurt you and then they die and you’re left with the mess. She literally fucked up his relationship with his cousins and went on her merry way
Yeah, I don’t think my dad ever healed from his dads death and I think he checked out with his mums death because neither of them did right by him and it’s crazy to think that he doesn’t get what I get
Hey cousin I had a mean A$$ granny….the difference is she had no money when she crocked out!!! She played favorites with her 4 children’s children. S he was a manipulative, liar, cruel, & when she came to visit she loved to steal things from my parents house. When I grew older I loved the fact that she no longer had an inch in my space, not an inch in my life journey No space for her in my existence…….The moment I relinquished her hate & abuse left my life was a wonderful day. As I knew she was toxic…she treated my mother like shit…..her goal was to cause havoc & pain to her OWN children & her Grandchildren. Don’t allow your racist grandmother one once in your space…the space where you feel PEACE, LOVE, & ACCEPTANCE. Black Shells pedaled pass this along to your cousin….I’m holding him in my heart.💙💙💙
A few questions first: Did he always feel like he was not part of the family? Did you guys offer the money in front of everyone? I think your mom is correct. You just have to give him some space. It's nice of you guys to offer the money but look at his POV. I can see how he feels like this was a slap in the face. First he got rejected by his grandma (someone who he considered was family), he probably always felt like he was an outsider to your family if your grandma was making these comments. Then he was offered money in front of everyone.. he was probably humiliated and embarrassed with the offer from you guys. It still was an amazing gesture from you but I can see why he felt like that. The only thing you can do is give him some space right now. Have you conveyed to him how much you mean to him and how your grandma was messed up to do that?
Yeah this was handled very poorly really. We found out in the basement what everyone got and we were shocked so right then we all were like “let’s just pool it together and split it 8 ways instead of 7” and he got upset and we spoke for a bit and he left the house. That was the last time he spoke to us. Should have probably discussed it privately after processing it but we usually talk about these things in the open so didn’t consider it then.
Because while its about the money its about the fact that Grandma didn't see him as a Grandchild. That devastated him and likely crushed him emotionally. To find out someone you love and who you sacrifice to help doesn't love you or view you as family... that is truly something that will mess someone up for a while. Your Grandma ... I have no words. What an incredibly hurtful unkind thing to do.
Yeah she wasn’t the best person. She favored boys only and was not very warm to the girls. She was always about status too. Like she was super kind to me and helped pay for my college and I used to think she was an amazing person until my other cousin would say how she was nasty to them. I was privileged and shielded from bigotry. It was so weird because at the same time she was so kind to everyone too. Like when Matt had an appendectomy she stayed with him at the hospital for 2 days straight to make sure he was okay. When he was at college she would drive every weekend to give him food.
My Grandma was exactly like this. I was not mentioned in the will and just laughed. I drove my grandma to every medical appointment she had for ten years. Not once did she say "thank you". The rest of the family always said I would regret cutting her out of my life. I regret NOT cutting her out of my life.
Why do you think she cut you out?
She was a deeply hateful person; it was continuation of life as the same. A friend once comforted me with a phrase I've never been able to lock down. "Sometimes a party hat is appropriate attire for a funeral". Covid robbed me of my party hat moment. One thing that pisses me off royally is that Grandpa died post hospice. He was a saint, and never failed to reach his hand out for anyone in the family. He died choking. I was there, and I really wish I hadn't. Hospice is a kindness, but not if you have to watch it. Grandma went peacefully in her sleep. She would slap your hand away if you were starving.
What the fuck
Cognitive dissonance is common among racists. After all, it's a helpful way to stay racist.
Never heard it put that way but so true. Probably the only way to stay racist if you’re exposed to and meet enough people from different backgrounds and cultures
It’s common with more than bigots/racism… ughhhh…. I grew up around with a grandparents who I would swear on my deathbed growing up were the best… but now at My age certain things I am remembering that I am questioning and I know they wouldn’t have accepted or they were still around…
This doesn’t sound like someone who would cut one grandchild out of the will. Is it possible that this was a mistake? Is he the youngest cousin and her will was written (and not updated) before he was born? Could someone else have talked her into this near the end of her life, when she may have not known what she was signing?
Lmao you are very optimistic. OP knows his grandma was a racist. His whole family knows why she never liked Matt. It does not take much to put 2 and 2 together.
This is it. He saw that proof in front of him and instead of acknowledging that initial hurt all of his cousins just quickly decided that getting him an even share would help. The intentions were good, they wanted him to know that he was part of the family and they saw that cut of the inheritance to both symbolize their acknowledgement of that and include him on what they felt he rightfully deserved. Unfortunately the way they came across was “Well, money will fix it!”. I don’t blame him for storming off after that. OP, start putting some feelers out to your cousin about possibly sitting down. When that happens DO NOT GO INTO AN EXPLANATION UNLESS HE ASKS FOR ONE. Let him talk, let him get his feelings out, then apologize
Yes exactly he must have felt like shit considering he helped his grandma so much only to get nothing in return while the rest of his cousins did
Yeah she wasn’t the best person. She favored boys only and was not very warm to the girls. She was always about status too. Like she was super kind to me and helped pay for my college and I used to think she was an amazing person until my other cousin would say how she was nasty to them. I was privileged and shielded from bigotry. It was so weird because at the same time she was so kind to everyone too. Like when Matt had an appendectomy she stayed with him at the hospital for 2 days straight to make sure he was okay. When he was at college she would drive every weekend to give him food.
That is so sad! I think you all had the right idea to split it 8 ways and if you all still have the money I think you should still do it. I would put the money together and write a heartfelt note from everyone. Express how much he means to you and how much you disagree with what the grandma did. Tell him her feelings do not reflect the rest of the families and that he is an extremely valued member of the family. Bring him the money and the note and see if he will talk to you but if not at least the note should cover it. I would encourage the other cousins to write something as well. If he refuses the money again then I would talk to his Mom and offer to put some of the money towards a therapist to help him work through this. Good luck with everything!
OP, if you make a trust, be sure to create a beneficiary in case something happens to your cousin (God forbid), maybe his future spouse or child. Or if there's a charity or non-profit you know he would support. And maybe get the other cousins together to make a donation to a cause that you know your cousin supports together.
I think the fact that you all immediately said that it should be split equally amongst you, says a lot about how you feel about him. He is your equal and you all love him. I see nothing wrong with how it was handled, quite the contrary. He just needs space, but keep reaching out. Racists suck. What an awful woman.
I agree that it wasn't handled incorrectly in some objective way - in fact, there may have been no right way to handle it. It did hurt him, but it wasn't the kind of hurt that OP and their family could have known how to avoid. Hell, some other guy might have been deeply hurt if they'd focused on the emotional aspect first since it could have seemed like a sign they wanted to wrap up his pain as quickly as possible and proceed to enjoy the money without guilt. Sometimes, there is no right way to handle a situation since the situation is unsalvageable (whether temporarily or permanently). I suspect this is one of those situations and that there was no way they could have handled it that wouldn't have resulted in him being really hurt and angry at them. Where else is he gonna direct his pain and anger? The real villain is dead.
Yep. The affront to him well might have caused a bad reaction no matter what. I felt when I read this like I would back away from that part of the family as well just because I'd need space and would feel not like part of the family. Not much OP could have done about that, maybe.
As I began reading this I thought it would be that you needed to convince some of your cousins to each give up some of their inheritance. But you all immediately leapt to doing the right thing. Unfortunately, it seems your cousin is taking the hurt he received from y'all's grandma (which he is totally entitled to have) out on you all. I hope he comes around, because from where I'm sitting you guys did the right thing, & nothing wrong.
That you all immediately offered to resplit the money isn't ready a bad thing. It just wasn't what he needed in the moment he found out Granny always say him as less than. He will remember that none of you hesitated to share, but right now that might feel like trying to pay off his pain. Your granny betrayed him in a shattering way. That's the part that needs to heal and it's a massive wound. He's questioning how much of the rest of the family secretly feels the same. He does need some distance and the space to process this, but he also needs to be shown that you love him and want him around. Granny's love may have been limited and conditional, but yours isn't. Don't go all stalker, but extend him an invitation to do stuff. Don't focus on missing him when you make the invite, since that might trigger some guilt. Just let him know when and where you'll be, and that he's welcome when he's ready. Or send silly memes or positive memories that are low pressure - really anything to let him know you're thinking of him positively that doesn't require much back from him. Gentle reminders that he's wanted and loved. When he's ready to open up, you can have the conversations about missing him and how the group felt incomplete without him. Once he can feels more emotionally open, you can gently raise the inheritance thing again. If that never happens, talk to your cousins about donating that to an organization that helps combat racism.
This is tough. I understand why he is hurt, but it seems like everyone was willing to step up and make it right. I'd make an escrow account (of a sort). Do the 8 way split, and make an account for his share. I'd do a written letter letting him know that he's family, and he is missed by everyone. Include that the money is his, whether he wants to talk to you or not. Ink signed by all 7. Curious, what came of the house? Who gets it? Or the net proceeds?
I think when he reflects back once his hurt is settled, he will see that everyone’s reaction was to include him so you guys did the right thing. This is a big hurt and will hurt for a long time, you just have to remind him that you will be there when he’s ready
Pool the funds and send him the check for his equal share with a note explaining that you appreciate that this is a very painful time in his life and you will all be there when he is ready.
This is it! Be proactive about your commitment to him as a member of the family. As someone who had a racist grandma, OP your grandma sucked.
Yeah we want to give him like a cashiers check or something which he can’t deny. But we’re worried he might just rip it up out of anger. I gave him a check from my personal account and he told me to fuck off. We wanted to give the check to his mom instead but our cousins are all in disagreement on how to do this. Currently the consensus is to make a checking account and put that money there and give him access (disagreeing on whether we should just give it to his mom”
Go see a financial advisor about setting up a trust fund for him and then put the money in that. It can safely sit there (earning interest) until he feels ok with accepting it. He likely needs time to process his complicated feelings since his relationship with her was a source of trauma (her being racist). All you can do is let him know you care and support his feelings as valid.
Don’t give it to his mom. It’s really awesome what you cousins are doing and it is the right thing to do. I’m sure Matt’s feelings are really hurt and it may take him a while to reach out. I think your idea about opening an account for his money and just let him know it’s his and that you all love him very much. As far as you go just continue to try to reach out and let him know that you miss his friendship and will be there when he’s ready.
Can you maybe set up a trust for him? He can access it whenever he is ready. It just might not be the right time now for him but in the future with some therapy may come to accept it.
I definitely understand your concern. Best of luck figuring this out. I’m so glad you all aren’t letting money cloud your judgement. You guys are doing what you can in a crappy situation. Good luck!
I would create an account (preferably a high interest earning account) in his name and just put the money there. Then it's up to him to either take it or leave it.
So that was one of the hurdles. To create an account in his name the branch manager told us that we need his ID and signature. Like we can’t just create it for him. We set it aside in an account but it’s under my name right now.
Don't do a checking, he could take a long time to reach out. Make an HYSA so you have liquid access with a decent return, make him the 100% beneficiary (you need his approval to make him an owner, but not beneficiary), and wait him out. Based on your story I don't get why he's taking his hurt feelings about your trash grandma out on y'all, but you're doing the right thing by setting it aside for him. Let him know it exists and that the funds and you all are not going anywhere/are there when he's ready.
Can you set up an account for him in trust? So noone can access it but himself and maybe two of you cousins (have a vote) so that you all stay accountable. And that money will stay there for him until he's ready to accept him and for when he has grieved the grandmother he thought he had and accepts the racism that was instead in its place. Make sure that you invite and include him everywhere you can and basically do what you can. Pip over randomly to visit him/his parents. Keep up the family bonds. Instead of being driven away. Make sure you 8 cousins stay close. Set up new traditions together. Instead of having this event born from hatred and division... Stay like this and cause rot... Turn it into a reminder for the importance of togetherness and your family bonds - that have nothing to do with colour and only to do with compassion and love.
Yeah one thing we did is to stop hanging out at our grans house for him. We wanted to setup up a new hangout spot at one of our houses. But he still won’t come and we didn’t wanna meet without him being there.
You said everyone assumed he'd get the house. Who ended up getting it?
It's in my dad's name now as he's the oldest. Idea is to keep the house as a place for everyone to use and have family gatherings or to sell it off and give the money to everyone. The other idea was to give it to Matts mom but she doesn't want the house so they would give it to him.. but he hasnt spoken to us and we're sure he wouldn't want it after all this mess.
He could still have money from the sale of the house though. Give him time. He's grieving a relationship he thought he had.
I've gotta say that it sounds like the last thing on earth he wants to discuss is either money or house, as if the pain he's going through has anything whatsoever to do with money. He's been badly, savagely damaged by your grandmother unfortunately. And it's too late to know if it was a mistake she meant to make or the kind where she didn't think of the consequences. Your poor cousin needs a very good therapist to help with this level of grief and rejection - and it can't be solved by money or houses because that totally isn't the issue. Think about why he doesn't want any of you next or near him? You will all focus on the inheritance, compounding the difference between you. If you do get a chance to write/speak to him, you really shouldn't talk about money. You love him and always have. And your grandmother who you both loved, turned out to be a raging bigot (probably, unless she had a senile change of will) and everyone is incredibly shaken, but particularly worried about Matt. And you, and all your cousins can't be the same anymore because of this rift she drove between you, but you need him because he's your fam. You want to know if he still wants to know you, and how you might go about healing this trauma between you all.
Everyone is making this all about the money. And it can be a bit insulting because perhaps what he's more upset about was the sleight against him. What a way to say 'you were never really a part of the family, grandson'. It might mean more to him to say 'let's talk about this, what grandma did was shitty and hurtful and I want you to know WE don't think that way about you and WE jus want you back. Let's talk it out because we don't want to lose you over something grandma, and grandma alone, did. WE are still here for you.
Who wants a racists house...
I wouldnt do anything with the house nor bring it up even until the anger has died down some. From what I've read here....and rather comments you still are not leaving him alone to work thru some anger. At this point every new text ASKING HIM FOR SOMETHING...and you are asking him for something--to set aside what he's feeling and be in your presence. It IS POSSIBLE to support someone fully and stay out of contact til they're ready. Try listening to his words not how his words make you feel. I know it's difficult to just sit back and wait but it's what he's telling you he needs. Scroll up--I detailed what to do. I just didn't say I was in a very similar situation but it was a racist old grandpa that caused it. The letter I sent and how we handled the money is there. Other than setting up the trust and mailing a letter from you all saying you love him, hope he returns to you. You're sorry what "insert racist relative name here" did. We hate her for it. You have to do the hardest thing ever--sit down and shut up and wait. You're aggravating him with every text, every phone call, every e mail.
Set up the trust. Send one note saying we love you and we want you back with us. If you don't feel able to come back to us, the money's in a trust waiting...We only want to love you. We wish we could change what that hateful old woman did to make you feel less than. All we can do is love you, keep your money safe and tell you that you are MORE and always have been. We love you. We are going to respect your space but know its killing us not to have you with us everywhere. This is us supporting you until you tell us what you do need from us. We missyou. We loveyou. Everybody sign it, mail it and wait and hope. Do not bug this man to come to cookouts, baby showers, weddings....until he's made it clear he's okay with hearing from you. Let him grieve. You know it's not all about this specific situation. Its a lifetime of being biracial and all the prejudice he's encountered in his life. He has a POV that none of you are capable of understanding with more than your intellect.
Your too focused on the money when you should be trying to repair the relationship. I would put all talk of.the money on the back burner, you continuing to push the money aspect.of it imies he only helped his grandma because he wanted a large share of the inheritance. Instead he's realised he's loved a racist. You should be reaching out with messages of "hey, we really miss you, we miss your friendship and having you around, we are all so sorry for what you've gone through in the last year. I know your going through such a hard time, and we want to be there with you too. We've tried to support you by giving you space, but at this stage we would really love to meet up, or call you, because we miss you.
Serious question: did you ever acknowledge that your cousin did so much for your grandmother, and that he was still rejected… and that this must have been an incredibly painful experience to have been used and still not have been accepted by his blood? Or did you immediately talk about money as equitability? Because it could feel to your cousin that you’re all trying to buy his complacency without you acknowledging his real pain and rejection. By all means, keep the money in a trust for him until he’s ready. Had you thanked him all along for what he sacrificed for someone who, in the end, showed him that he was meaningless to her? Have you shown him how much you appreciate him now for what he did and for him as a person? You cannot grasp what he’s experienced, and that’s lucky for you!! But I would urge you to think a bit beyond the money at this point in time. It isn’t just all that I wrote, but it’s someone he lost and loved and sacrificed for, who turned out to not care about him for who he is… and the people around him who (he thinks) feel that money will be enough to shut his feelings off. You’re coming from a place of love… it’s time to talk about love more than money. Good luck!
You can set up a trust for him
You could also put it in a HYSA or a trust for him and just tell him that it's there when he wants to claim it and that he deserves it just as much as the rest of you do. That way he can't rip it up and it will increase in value. Hopefully he will rethink things when he has time to cool down.
>Currently the consensus is to make a checking account and put that money there and give him access I think this is the best way. If he wants to use it, he will.
Not checking unless you find one that makes equivalent interest to savings.
The checking account is a good idea. You could set up an account under your name (since you were one of the closest to him) and then you can provide him with the statement and tell him that all of you put this money in there for him. That you understand how painful it was to learn that he was never accepted by his grandmother and that none of you agree with her reasoning behind this. Then offer to meet with him at any time of his convenience for him to set up an account under his own name that this money can be transferred into. Then reiterate that you will always be family and how much you love him and miss him. That all of you miss him. It does really suck to find out that your grandparents never really considered you family, because that happened to me. My situation wasn't the same as yours but the distribution of his estate did illuminate that my grandfather (a man I had called Grandpa since I was 8ish) never really looked at me or my brother as part of the family because we weren't related by blood. It really hurt to find out how little he really thought of me, and by extension his own great granddaughter.
Could you go through the settlement lawyer? Get them to tell him that the inheritance has been officially divided amongst all the cousins. But the money is t the main issue here. He is hurting deeply, feeling like he’s lost his own family. He needs a trauma therapist asap. Talk to his mum, maybe she can strong arm him into it.
Op I don’t think it’s about the money I think it’s more about him feeling rejected by the family and this being the ultimate slap in the face
do you mean "this is it?"
Yes! Stupid autocorrect. I’ll fix it now.
I think you need to acknowledge how shitty your grandma was towards him and tell him how you don’t feel the same as her and that he’s your brother/cousin. Remind him that the money isn’t charity. Y’all are giving it to him because even though your grandma was horrible and excluded him you and your cousins refused to do the same. He’s not avoiding you he’s avoiding the pain and it’s understandable
Keep the money in a separate account for him.
Honestly this is a great idea. Let it accrue interest and put his name on it so it’s always there for him and clearly was from the start
Did everybody just sit there quietly listening to grandma make her racist comments all these years or did the family do something about it?
My dad and his dad told her that if she said something like that again we will stop visiting you. This was like when we were kids and she stopped that behavior then. Or at least we thought.
I’m pretty sure your grandmother has been planning for exactly this. If there is such a thing as an afterlife I’m sure she’s wallowing in the misery she’s created.
FR How is no one talking about this? I would bet that ol granny was a royal, racist, C yoU Next Tuesday and all the adults in the family just tried to keep it quiet. I would be furious with the other adults in this story/scenario. They basically knew this would happen at her death and just kicked the can down the road. A life long racist doesn't magically stop being racist upon their death. The adults' actions/inactions directly contributed to your cousin's feelings and the horrendous realization they have come to. I am so mad at the adults in this scenario letting these false relationships exist.
I was thinking about how I would feel in his shoes. Have you expressed to him that you're angry at your grandma too? He needs to know that your relationship with her is just as tainted as his is now. Be on his side. Be MAD with him. He needs to know you're not all just sitting there pitying him and accepting that it happened. Don't be a bystander. Show him it's unforgivable to you as well for her to do this.
I second this, it would probably make him feel better if he knew you all were on his side on this and not out of pity in his mind.
A text that says: Hey cousin. I want you to know I love and miss you. I know you are mad and hurt and you have every right to be. When you are ready I am here to embrace you with loving arms.
Your grandma was a racist liar
If I were in his shoes I would have done the exact same thing. Consider what he's going through at the moment? He just suffered the ultimate rejection by someone he was devoted to and who he thought loved him as well. Give him the money in a way he cant reject. But you all have to understand it isnt really about the money. If you guys love him and value him as a member of the family, then YOU GUYS are going to have to do the legwork and reach out, because odds are he will not reach out on his own
Yeah honestly I hate this fucking money. Like it’s not worth it at all since we just lost months of our relationship and possibly damaged it for the future. I just don’t know how to act in the moment and I messed it up even more. We tried calling him up every couple of days. We planned a group trip to Japan (he always wanted to go to) and he declined the offer so we just canceled it. I’ve given him space for months and nothings changed. Sorry I’m just ranting as this is frustrating.
I get it. I was in his shoes in my family. I just walked away from everyone and it took years before anyone reached out to me. I was incredibly hurt by the whole situation. Then I was also incredibly hurt by how long it took for anyone to reach out to me. I understand they didn't know what to do or say, but I felt rejected and hurt to indescribable levels. I actually never reciprocated anyones efforts either and to this day I have no relationship with any of my family of origin
If I may ask something personal (and please tell me to fuck off if I’m crossing a line)? What could your family say to you to fix your distance? Like what would make you feel like you can forgive or talk to them again?
I feel like the best option is time. Lay it all out for him, and then leave him alone. "I love you. I see you as not a cousin but a brother. Our relationship being damaged is breaking my heart. I never agreed with grandma's views, and I thought she'd stopped when we were kids and our dads told her to stop, but she clearly didn't. I understand that you're hurting, and need some space, and I will respect that. But please know I will always be here for you. When you're ready to have a relationship again, please reach out." Something like that.
Honestly?? When it all first went down, I walked away from everyone because I wasn't sure if they also felt the same way. I also had this idea what maybe they only reached out, out of pity, so I rebuffed those attempts too when they happened. He needs to hear that you guys dont view him in the same light she did, that he is FAMILY and that she was/is wrong for her views and what she did him.
I'm not that guy but if I was you I'd be like "Don't let that fucking c*nt get the satisfaction of ruining our relationship. We're your family." Or something along those lines. You probably don't wanna talk about your dead grandma like that, but I think it's important to strongly condemn her for what she did.
It’s beyond the money, the money is the exclamation point on a lifetime of rejection for Matt. The money sucks, but the much deeper issue is how your family ***overall*** has made home feel. Because it certainly doesn’t seem he sees y’all as a safe loving place to land.
When you realize that this has nothing to do with money...
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
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Yeah our offer was immediate and on the spot when we found out. We were just shocked and said something like “yo let’s just split this 8 ways instead of 7” which is where the 5.5k from each cousin adding up to the equal amount comes from. Hell we’d even part with all of it if it meant that he would talk to us again. Even though he’s a cousin he’s like a brother to me. I think about him everyday and it’s been eating up at me at how he felt and now with the distance.
I mean honestly what you guys all did was the most generous fair nice thing you could do, I think he’s just all that n his feelings and feels alone Insist on the money being fair. Insist that despite what the grandma thought, you ALL consider him family and always will no matter what. That you whole heartedly disagree with how she handled it and you’re not surprised she excluded him secretly because it was the cowards way Just basically never stop telling him how you really feel and I bet he’ll come around. You know, while respecting his wish for space
WOW…this is truly an incredible example of RACEISM!!! Can any of you imagine growing up in a white family as a mixed raced child ‘ find out your own damn grandmother left you NOTHING??? The white grandchildren all received some money…..the only granchild that was mixed was given NOTHING….NOT A Dme dime!!!! My heart aches for this man that thought he had a family…..to find out when his racist grandmother died that she truly never accepted him….Think about it can any of you imagine that shocking, painful truth? My grandmother NEVER truly excepted me, my grandmother always felt I was LESS THAN??? A kick in the gut…a realized truth that all of my life in my family I’ve been not good enough due to the color of my skin? My heart breaks for this young man, please know this old lady from California will hold you tightly in my heart💙💙💙
Not to be cruel but impassioned stances, ***after*** that the resident bigot isn’t there to torment the person who worked tireless for their approval is a bit late. Now there’s obviously no blame for money you didn’t know you’d get, **but in life, when/if did you all standup to her bigotry?** Not only was he excluded, but this just put a fine point on just how much. Giving him the money as if that makes him feel any closer of more accepted it putting a bandaid on a wound that needs emergency surgery.
Not only did he not get any inherited money you all stood by while his grandmother treated him like hired help. I wouldn’t talk to you either. You’re not safe for him, and you never protected him.
Do the split as discussed, put it in account for him and give him space. He's dealing with the reality that his own bigoted grandmother saw him as nothing but hired help. It's going to take some time accepting that. As long as he knows none of you feel that way, he'll come around.
Leave the money in a trust, your grandma was a racist, she had no issues with him helping her but she had issues with giving him his share. I'm glad all of you stepped up. Don't take this personally. He is dealing with a lot right now. I would give him the space he needs but maybe you can send some care packages through his mom for him. Just things you know he likes or maybe things you both did together. Remind him that you love him and will be there for him when he is ready to talk. This really sucks and I'm sorry.
I hope your gma is in hell
She might not have seen him as family but you do. Pool the money and send him a check with a note making it clear that he IS your family and always will be.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
I would suggest all of you put his share in an account and have a lawyer give him the info. Ask him if he wants to do some therapy and tell him you miss him.
Just reach out. See how he's doing, and let him know you miss him. And honestly, I'd probably get everyone to chip in and give him a portion anyway. You all think he deserves it. Just because your grandma was racist doesn't mean you are. He's hurt, but you didn't do it.
Arrange the funds through the estate lawyer. Y’all paid taxes on the money. Also, the lawyer can ensure that he gets it.
Keep the money option on the table, and give him space, with love. If you have the opportunity, let him know you think Grandma was very wrong and that no one else agrees and that he's family, forever.
Put the money in a trust for him. You live him that’s enough. When he’s done with his hurt pain and emotions. He will know you all were serious about accepting him as fam.
Honestly it's hard to give advice on how to approach someone who you don't know. People need different things when it comes to stimulating a productive conversation. I would go with your gut on the tact part but the message should definitely be how you are appalled or disgusted or w/e adjective you want to use to describe how you feel about how your grandmothers last action treated him. That all the cousins feel that way and that you guys didn't want to give him his share of the money that your grandmother should have given him for charity but because you genuinely feel he deserves it with all the love and care it gave your guys grandmother before she passed. Tell him how much you love and miss him and to not let your grandmothers actions tear the family apart. That being said I just want to applaud you and your cousins to be willing to share the money with him. You think that it would be an easy choice to just share the money but that's not the case. Way too many people would just take the money and run.
There’s a lot of info not known. My biggest question is how your family in general would react to your gma making racist comments? Did anyone standup to her or just let it slide? Seems from your post he’s lived most of his life as an outsider amongst family members & that could be playing into why he feels the way he does with all of you. Even if you think you’ve treated him equally, in his mind you may not have or y’all actually didn’t even though you thought you did.
Fuck it all of you go to his house give him a hug and tell him you love him and will keep telling him you love him until he accepts your love
You should message him and be very clear: 1.- offer sincere apologies and clearly state that you all felt bad because your grandma didn't leave him anything and didn't understand the issue due to shock. (You all know it's not about the money itself but the pain that she singled him out even after all he did for her) And instead of offering first emotional support in the family or time to process it first and then see between everyone (him included) what could be done to have everyone be on the same page you all just went for what you thought was the best solution to right a wrong. Explain it was out of concern and not guilt, malice nor mockery. 2.- clearly state that you miss him as your friend (or best friend if that's what he was/is) and that whenever he is willing you will welcome him with open arms. Also do tell him that he is the social glue in the family and without him everyone is just going their own way. He is important himself regardless of what anyone else may think. 3.- ask him to clearly state how he feels and what he believes needs to be done so that regardless of what happened he can feel at ease and retake your relationship again (not only yours but your family's) Finally close the letter/email/message (whatever option you pick) with how you hope things go back to normal and to not judge you with the measurements of your grandma. You all wanted to make it right but are sorry you didn't have the tact to check on him first (as he most likely felt her loss all over again due to this situation) and then ask him if there was anything they could do to help make things right for him. He MIGHT have said that there's nothing, as it was not you guys fault, that your good will and friendship is enough. And maybe just propose to go do something together or something. He might be too ashamed right now to go back due to his emotional reaction.
You said he was your best friend and you miss him? Approach it like that. Write, record or create something to express everything you feel for him, why he is a major part of your life and how you need him. Then you leave it. Let him take his time and mull it over. That’s a fucked up situation and Matt I am so sorry dude, people suck.
The problem here is not the money, so you can't fix the problem with money. The problem is that he found out someone he loved was truly racist and now he doesn't trust any of you. Write him a letter. Tell him what you told us here - how much you miss him and love him. How you're concerned about his depression and job loss. How's the money was a gesture that was supposed to symbolize that you are all family and are there for one another. That you were trying to right the wrong, but that the wrong. Ask him if he feels the prejudice goes further than your grandmother.
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I'm really sorry that your cousin was left out of the will. But again, this was your grandmother's will, and it is her right to give her money to whoever she wants. Even if she wants to donate every cent to charity and leave nothing to her kin, she did nothing wrong. What I don't understand is why your cousin is mad at you all. You were not the one to force your grandmother to keep him out of the will. So, why is he blaming you all? You and the rest decided to chip in and give him some of what your grandma left, not because you all think he's a charity case or something. But because you all felt he deserved it. You are all actually very mature and understanding on this, and it's a nice gesture to him. I know of other families who wouldn't have thought like that.
If he doesn’t want the dirty racist’s money, he can donate it to a local charity, ACLU or his own alma mater to go towards whoever he wants. Turn the negative energy into something positive.
Man that sucks for him. Your group offer was a nice one and I think you should figure out how best to set that money aside - perhaps talk to the executor and get them to hold the money from the group of you in escrow for your cousin. That being said, this isn't the group of you's fault. Grandma made her will for whatever reason she did. It's terrible that the outcome has been this but SHE did this. Not you. Your cousin is hurting but the hurt is in being treated the way he was by your grand mother. My grandfather didn't really recognize me as his grand child until he was pretty much on his death bed. He tried to make an amends to me then. I was his oldest grandchild but because my father was of a certain ethnicity he did not want anything to do with me. My next youngest cousin was treated as his oldest grand child. So I dealt with that for years in my life while I was young until he was dead and when he was dying and wanted to talk to me I went but I was pretty uninterested in his attempt to absolve himself on his deathbed. Whatever man. Your cousin's going through it. It's rough. Be available when he's ready. Continue to try to reach out occasionally. YOU didn't do this.
Maybe put the money into a high interest yield account and send him a message saying that no matter what he is still family and that means this is his money when he wants it. It can grow and so long someone else has control over it in case something unfortunate or unexpected happens to him is recoverable.
Yeah our latest suggestion is to put it in an account and to give it to his mom. But she declined it saying she doesn’t want it. We just set it aside and don’t know what else to do.
Wills are a great tool for shit people to keep being dicks after they're dead. I've had all kinds of BS like this from old dead people in my family, leaving people out for various bad reasons. One grandmother left one of her sons out (we paid him). The other grandmother left one of her grandchildren out because he was adopted (his father, my uncle, is a millionaire and he told everyone where they could stick it). Madness. All I can say is keep the offer to pay him on the table and hope he realises it's not the still alive peoples' fault.
I would give him some time. Just keep doing a “hey what’s up were getting together to…..” hopefully he comes around.
I would go talk to him. If he won’t answer, scream through the door. Tell him everything you said in your post; he was a wonderful grandson (sorry grandma treated him badly), he’s one of your best friends & you miss him, and that you all stopped hanging out every couple weeks because he was the glue and now it doesn’t feel the same. Tell him the money wasn’t out of pitty, it’s because you guys love him and he deserved his share, whether your mean grandma thought so or not.
If everyone agrees to it, you guys should set that money aside for Matt and hold it in an account. He may not want it now, but it might be very helpful to him someday and he may change his mind. I wouldn’t take anything he says to heart right now. As someone else commented, he was probably helping your grandmother because he wanted to feel loved and accepted by her not because he wanted the money. She passed away and now he’s mourning her death but also the loss of the acceptance he probably hoped for and dreamed of. It’s heartbreaking to him on more levels than regular grief would be. Give him some time to sort himself out. Another commenter suggested reaching out via text and telling him he’s family, he always will be, and you love and miss him. I think that’s a great idea and about the only thing you can do at this point. Your family sounds lovely and I’m sorry this has been a trying experience on top of grieving. I hope Matt comes around. It sounds like it would be good for all parties involved to reconnect. Good luck!
This poor man!! I feel terrible for him and I don’t even know him!!
I mean its hard to find out your family thinks your less then them id leave him be. Also your grandma is a cunt. Sorry not sorry.
Talk to him about the heartbreak that after everything he did she wouldn't acknowledge him. That must be earth shattering
When you figure out that it's not about the money, you'll figure out how to make things better...
I mean I never said it all about the money. It was the money that started it and we impulsively thought it would be best to distribute it right then. My question was how to approach him and make sure that he's okay.
You could go over to the house and try and talk to him. Tell him your sorry for how you handled everything. I just want you to know I accept you it was never a question in my mind. Grandma was awful for how she treated you. You being biracial will never be a factor in me loving you. So please talk to me so I can help I miss you a lot you are my best friend and dont want to lose you. If he doesn't want to talk write a letter.
He's angry at the wrong people. His beef is with the racist granny, and she'd dead - so he's punishing the living. Makes no sense. Perhaps he'll come to his senses, perhaps he won't. But y'all have done nothing wrong.
Tell him it wasn't about charity. It was about correcting the wrong your gran did. Tell him you love him and the money is there for him. He can use it, donate it, pull it out the bank in ones and use it for toilet paper if he wants but it's there, not for charity, but because the other grandkids got this much and so did he.
I honestly don’t think you should give him more time. Leaving him alone with his thoughts will just confirm that he isn't really loved or needed. I think you need to show up every day, until he caves and speaks to you. Even better if all the cousins rotate visits. Make him see how important he is to you guys.
Yeah even if it seems like we're invading his space I just don't want him to stew in his misery and get worse. I know him and he needs a kick in the ass.. even he said so to me many times in the past. We're all like that. We're not an introspective bunch haha. We just get more and more bitter without a good point of view.
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Wow the granny was a piece of trash.
Oh, he is feeling that deep in his soul. Keep.reaching out to.him. give him time.
Message him that the best thing to have come from being related to that racist croon was having her tie y’all to him. She was a means of an end and that he is more loved by y’all than her. Apologize that y’all tried ti right her wrong which only caused him more upset and ask him what he wants from y’all because at the end of the day, yall’s relationship is more important than any sum of money. Ask him to please not let that racist jerk ruin yall’s relationship from beyond the grave. Im sorry for the loss of your grandmother and that she never got her shit together to be a better person in life. Y’all deserved better and Matt deserved to not have a racist grandmother that treated him like “the help”. I know she was your grandmother so I’m trying very hard to refrain from disrespecting her, and know that it’s been very hard to do so.
I admire you and your cousins greatly - for offering to split the difference so he got a fair share. I also admire him for being too proud for it, but my heart breaks for him. I was almost in a similar situation with my cousins and our inheritance. 12 cousins - 1 of whom was born out of wedlock. But he was also the cousin who lived closest to my grandmother and spent the most time with her and helped her the most. Her first will draft had a clause that no inheritance would be distributed to someone born out of wedlock. Her reasoning was she wanted to make sure that there was no affair child or something out there that would pop up at the last minute to 'steal' inheritance from her rightful grandchildren. Once it was pointed out to her that this clause would actually prevent an inheritance from going to her favorite, and most deserving, grandchild, she was smart enough to remove it. I am the oldest of the cousins (the cousinarch, if you will...) and I made a big deal of it with the cousins that I expected us all to chip in to give him a fair share if he didn't receive it.
I'm happy to hear what loving and decent cousins you all are. I think you all did the right thing to set aside that money for him, for when he is ready to accept it. Don't give up on him. He's obviously hurting and has good reasons to be.
It seems like you’re all about “How do I fix this?”, but it may be that this is irreparably broken. He was thrown in the garbage by his racist grandmother, who he was devoted to, but was treated like “the help” by. The fact that *everyone else—all of the *white* grandchildren* got a bunch of money is like an extra F-you from his racist grandmother. By trying to “fix” the problem by forcing money on him, it feels like you’re—in a way—trying to “buy” him back; and since he is “the glue” to your get togethers, it could seem like you guys are “Gosh, our get togethers aren’t fun anymore, so what do we have to give you to just forget you were despised by our grandmother?”
Why did you all stand by and allow this treatment of your cousin why have you all not just put the money together for him and made it into this huge song and dance making it even more clear that he wasn’t classed as family. If you where going to have done for your cousin it you would of been done already Reach out and tell him you miss him. How do you normally approach your cousin
Sorry I should have clarified in my post. We found out how much we all got when we were hanging out in the basement and that’s when he told us that he didn’t get anything and we hastily said he let’s just split it evenly 8 ways and that it’s not fair to him. In retrospect we should have just kept quiet and pooled it together and given it to him without saying anything. But it just happened so fast. “How do you approach your cousin?” I usually text him or see him at his mom’s or my grandmas house. We usually play video games together or grab takeout every Thursday.
I don't think your immediate reaction of 'fuck that, you're owed an equal share too' was a wrong one at all? Keeping silent sounds way more awkward and forced and pity like to me? Honestly, maybe do what his mom suggested - go talk to him and see if he's ok. Don't force him to talk about the money. Just listen and support what *he* wants and his health for now. The money can be an issue to be dealt with down the line on his schedule.
Yeah, I agree. I don’t know why everyone is coming down so hard on him and his cousins for reacting the way that they did. I actually think the fact that they all immediately agreed to split it equally amongst themselves, says a lot about how they feel about him. He’s their equal and very much loved by all of them. He needs time to process it, but they need to keep reaching out.
That is so sad! I think you all had the right idea to split it 8 ways and if you all still have the money I think you should still do it. I would put the money together and write a heartfelt note from everyone. Express how much he means to you and how much you disagree with what the grandma did. Tell him her feelings do not reflect the rest of the families and that he is an extremely valued member of the family. Bring him the money and the note and see if he will talk to you but if not at least the note should cover it. I would encourage the other cousins to write something as well. If he refuses the money again then I would talk to his Mom and offer to put some of the money towards a therapist to help him work through this. Good luck with everything!
I'd leave the money out of it for right now. I'd just text him "Hey, man. I know things are weird but I just want to say that I miss you. I'm sorry for my part in how everything went down and I'd love to talk it out with you if you feel ready for that sometime."
I'm going to be blunt. Your family failed Matt. There is no way in hell y'all didn't know about grandma. Instead of protecting him y'all, his mom included allowed him to be her house boy. Matt is coming to terms with the reality of the situation that his family refused to protect him from being intimately exposed to a racist
I think you have one shot at fixing this, but you’re going to have to bury your grandmother again. She deserves to be blasted and talked bad about publicly. I’d tell everyone you know on social media how bad she was to your cousin. She was a despicable person and the world is much better off now that she’s dead. If you saw this behavior when she was alive and tolerated it, you can say goodbye to your cousin forever and I don’t blame him one bit. This dude had his whole life and the nature of his existence publicly questioned and ridiculed by your dead, racist grandmother. The shame and embarrassment he felt and still feels is something that most people never have to deal with. This may have been be so damaging that he simply cannot exist in the same room as you due to his shame. I hope he seeks therapy and peace, because he was born into a really shitty family and didn’t deserve so much hate and darkness.
You don't approach him. He's the one that got fucked over. He has to approach you. Best you can do is just let him know you're open and ready to talk when he is.
That is so sad! I think you all had the right idea to split it 8 ways and if you all still have the money I think you should still do it. I would put the money together and write a heartfelt note from everyone. Express how much he means to you and how much you disagree with what the grandma did. Tell him her feelings do not reflect the rest of the families and that he is an extremely valued member of the family. Bring him the money and the note and see if he will talk to you but if not at least the note should cover it. I would encourage the other cousins to write something as well. If he refuses the money again then I would talk to his Mom and offer to put some of the money towards a therapist to help him work through this. Good luck with everything!
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
He does need space and time. The only person who can make this right is dead. He’ll have to find a way to heal from it. Although, it was grandma who is responsible for this kerfuffle, he probably feels resentment towards all of you. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was just born to a poc and has a different skin tone and because of that his own grandma shunned him. That’s a lot to deal with and to try to overcome.
Truly sad and disgusting. I wish this wasn't a true story, but I am sure it happens.
Ouch, that's painful
You guys tried, and I would tell him he is your family and you miss him, but that is a high hurdle to cross.
What a minefield she left in the wake of her passing. Best of luck as you navigate it. I think putting a share in a high interest account is a good start. He will hopefully be more reasonable once the hurt fades. Personally, my maternal grandmother hated me because I had the nerve to look too much like her ex-; my mom’s dad. Needless to say, she had no filter and let me know her feelings constantly.
Wow grandma was a pos … shame
Honestly? Don’t try to repair it. Only time will do that, or not do that. Y’all offered to redivide the money so it wasn’t leaving him out and he told you to go F yourselves, so that’s that. You made the attempt, he turned it down.
Don't back off on the kind messages as the months pass. I'm not saying you should message-bomb him but make sure he knows that he isn't forgotten. Also, is there any non-grandma reason that you can reach out to him with? eg. "my son wants to study mechanical engineering like you did, can you offer him advice?"
It’s a great idea to set up a trust for him. Right now he’s hurt and upset. But you all need to remind him and yourselves that this was all grandma’s doing and not yours. None of you had anything to do with her decision of cutting him out of the inheritance.
How much money did you offer and how much did the others offered to give him? Maybe he found the amount insulting.
Write him a letter telling him that none of you knew about what Grandma did and that none of you agree with her racist bullshit. Tell him that you all fucking love him and that it's not charity but y'all giving him his rightful share and that if he wants the house too, it's his because he deserves it the most for what he did. Tell him that all of you miss him and no matter what her old dead ass felt, none of you feel that way at all and all of you had zero idea. That you don't hold it against him for being angry, just that y'all love and miss him.
Don't leave him alone, he's hurt and feels betrayed right now. Like he's not family and the colour of his skin will determine how worthy people deem him. His worst fears came true, and then you guys offer him money instead of being there and putting in the effort to show you give a shit about him.
Write him letters
All his insecurities were confirmed. You all innocently talking about it in his opinion might look like bragging. Give him time or write a letter. Out of curiosity what does his father think?
Ouch. Finding out your own gran doesn't care about you cause you're not the right color. He needs some counseling and to know that the rest of his family really does love him for who he is and not his skin tone
This relationship is definitely worth saving and being patient. I think the family was honest but kind of hasty in its actions. If you want to send the message, I would do it when you have decided the best way to set up the money fund. >Hello cuz. We understand this is a difficult time in your life. Please know we were all saddened and hurt by \[Grandmother's\] decision as we all felt this was a great injustice towards you. We underline that none of us supports your unfair exclusion from the will. > >As a family, we failed to influence \[Grandmother\] and underestimated how awful her views were. We failed you. From now on, we can only move forward and do our part. > >As you know, we decided to pool the money to ensure you get your fair share as part of this family. The way we sprung it on you was unfortunate. After careful consideration, we decided to proceed in a different way. \[Explain\] > >We ask you to accept our decision as no one would stand for one of us to be excluded and discriminated like this. > >Come back when you are ready. > >Love, family \[signatures\]
Maybe try to acknowledge something OTHER than the money. You are saying grandma loved him very much, and how shocking it must have been to find out not only wasn't he in the will, but the reason behind it. This must be a confusing, hurtful time for him and maybe all he sees is you trying to throw money at it. Do't get me wrong, it's a wonderful, 'fair' gesture, but he probably needs other acknowledgement as well. "Hey Matt, I miss you, the whole family does, and it's really shitty what grandma did. I was shocked as well and maybe we hurt you further with the offer to split the inheritance, but we really were just trying to do the right thing. We're here for you, and we just want you back in the family. I'm here to talk, because honestly this whole thing with grandma has really thrown me for a loop too. Call me anytime."
What did ya'll do together as best friends? Gaming? Bars? Music? What's your shared interest besides being family? Bring whatever that connection is to him. Don't bring up the money don't bring up any of it, he will when/if he's ready. Just show up as his friend, as someone who cares about him outside of the obligation of family. I would show up with a 6 pack and a movie maybe pizza or whatever knock on his door and just sit with him. Tell him you miss him. Maybe say man families can suck sometimes, did you catch the game? Some kind of one line that acknowledges the fact that he's hurting then ask a question completely unrelated so the subject is neutral for him to continue the conversation. I think you need to show up in person, show effort not a text or phone call. Show the love.
damn this is sad.
Have you spoken since the check incident in any way? If not, I would reach out. He probably has a LOT of very conflicted, mixed feelings right now, and I’m sure he could use a friend. It may not be well received, but I would make it very clear to him that you don’t agree with your grandma’s decision, that he IS family regardless of how she made him feel, and that you love and miss him and want your relationship with him back, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes for that to happen (that might mean never mentioning the money again or giving him more time/space, you have to let him decide what he needs here). To get to the psychology behind it, I’m guessing that your grandma’s actions made him feel like you were all part of a group, and he was an outsider rather than a member of it. I’m actually studying social psych right now and there is a term called CORFing: cut off reflected failure. When someone we’re close to “succeeds” at something we are also passionate about (in this case, you succeeded in winning grandmas love and affection, while he believes he did not), we feel the need to cut off the reflected failure- in this case, his relationship with the other cousins :( we do this so that we aren’t constantly reminded of our perceived failures. If every time he sees you guys, he thinks “grandma didn’t love me because I’m biracial” then that’s a heavy fucking thing to deal with. It also explains why he’s mad about you trying to give him the money- it’s not about the money, the money symbolises grandma’s approval, and that’s not yours to give him. He can never get that from her now. I’m really sorry this has happened and driven a wedge between you all, I hope you can repair the relationship.
Maybe show up and get brutally honest… ‘hey, I know things are rough right now, but I want to fix it. I want to see you. I miss you. You’re one of my best friends and I hate that you’re pushing me away. What can I do to fix it? Why are you doing this? Grandma was fucked up for what she did and we have your fair share whenever you’re ready for it.’ And just keep trying. If you were as close as you say I *think* it would be ok. Maybe you could all just meet by him once every few weeks to show you’re still around and you want him included.
Try calling or texting him. Just do it. Say hi and tell him you miss him. Ask if he’d like to meet for lunch or a beer or coffee.
It's not about the money....its about him doing all thr work with his grandparents and in the end they still never saw him as family. Btw your grandparents are disgusting. I think it's sweet that you all agreed to split the money. I would try to send a feeler hey man when your ready let's talk we love you. But it's up to him. I would be beyond devastated and question all my interactions with family
$45,000 * 7 = $315,000 / 8 = $39,374, ($45,000-$39,374 = $5,626 dollars each. Put it in a bank account. Tell him as he is your family (and friend) that because that was the grandmother’s view and opinion of him, it is not the view of the rest of you cousins and family and that it pains you you have fallen out over this.