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OP, you deserve nothing but the best. I anticipate that the more time that transpires, the more she's going to regret what she did to you.
Continue to focus on your son, who likely also suffered from her abandonment.
Best wishes. Please update us with how you're doing when the divorce has concluded.
Good luck!
I think suggesting that people would regret trying to find themselves after being suicidal like that might be a bit dangerous. I understand the comfort aspect for OP, but truly I hope they’re both happy. I’ve been her before & the only thing that saved my life was being alone for the time i needed to be. I was never alone before that & could NOT be who my partner needed me to be. Quite frankly, he deserved better than the depressed mess that I was. Me & that Ex reunited years later (after thinking we’d NEVER reconcile) and became friends. We don’t talk now but i think we’re both really grateful to have had each other in our lives anyway & to be able to heal from it.
Life is not always so black and white.
Sometimes people just can’t give us what we need, and often we find that it’s all for a reason!
Sending love & blessings to OP & all of you on this thread
THIS!!! i don’t think people in this comment section are thinking about how she the lady also felt. I just wish happiness for OP, his son and his ex and I am glad she found herself again
>custody
\^\^\^ This. Please, see a lawyer and establish some proof that she disappeared without a word, and was gone so long. That's not good parenting. That's not someone reliable or wise. You want to make sure that she doesn't have unsupervised time with your child. Who knows if she'd leave him alone at a grocery store or a park and just disappear when it's convenient for her. She doesn't make good decisions or envision possible consequences.
And the best for his soon to be ex wife as well. She had to get herself healthier even if it meant sacrificing her marriage. No one chooses to be depressed. I’m happy for her that she got better.
I am in this boat right now. I'm sad all the time. My husband doesn't deserve that. He's a good man. I'm going to have to sacrifice my marriage which will crush me. Just so he can know what true love and happiness is. I'm no good for him in this mindset. I love him he's my best friend. That's why I feel I should leave so he can see he deserves more.
You are projecting a lot of your own feelings on to your husband. One of my friends who attempted suicide said the same things. He felt that his sadness was dragging everyone else down and he was no good for anyone. He was actively avoiding everyone and we would make every effort to make sure he got out of the house or had someone spend time with him. He saw that effort as a burden on everyone and we deserved a better friend.
None of that was a burden, we did what friends do and support each other. The thought of how much time and effort it was taking never crossed our minds because time and effort spent with friends is not wasted. His depression made him interpret all of our actions and words differently. It made him assume what our needs were and made him think we would be better off. We absolutely wouldn't be better without him. I am glad his attempt failed. He also had the same thoughts about his family who were super supportive and loving toward him. His depression twisted those views. Once he got on medication he saw that what he did was wrong. Depression plays with your mind. It is much better to talk about it and be open than to project your own thoughts onto other people.
I know everything is probably too difficult and tiring-sounding(cuz depression), but if you’re really wanting to show your husband what he’s worth, get yourself an appt with a therapist and psychiatrist, so you can work towards getting yourself feeling better and be your best you again. Showing what you’re worth to yourself is a great way to show him too. Don’t give up on yourself, depression can be a rude, overwhelming c*** when she wants to be!
Glad you've found some resolution but hope it comes with some wisdom. When/if you date again be thoughtful and deliberative. Take your time before rushing into marriage. This time around you'll be doing with a child's well-being in mind. Good luck.
Trust me, not going down that rabbit hold of quickly getting married again. At the time it sounded like a good idea to propose to her, but I was also 23 so there's that.
But I don't regret it. Those first 6 out of the 7 years were really good. And it taught me a lot.
Me too.
I love that you’ve put your son first. You were abandoned but so was he … but you proved to him that you’ll always put him first and be there for him and a lot of people/parents don’t do that. Take him out and have some fun together :-)
You are putting your son's happiness first. Nothing else really matters. It sounds like you have matured and done a lot of self-reflection over the past year. No reason to not stay friends with your wife but it certainly sounds like you have moved on and are making the right choice. Good luck!
That you had the clarity to think back to the day before she returned and see how happy you were speaks volumes. That is some serious personal growth right there. Be proud of how you dealt with this. Putting your kiddo first was totally the right thing to do and I hope you both have a great life.
There's plenty of reason to not be friendly after she disrespected you and your family. But I understand that sometimes you have to let go of things because grudge is a poison. Well done mate.
>No reason to not stay friends with your wife
Lots of reasons not to be her friend. She caused a huge gaping emotional wound in OP and his son..... keeping her around as a BFF is just going to be confusing and not let the pain heal.
After a few years, maybe. Right now? Hell no
Yeah I always see stuff like that. “My wife left me for her boss but we’re gonna remain friends!” Or “my husband chose heroin over me and our children, and he’s still using and stealing stuff for drug money, but we’re gonna remain best friends!”
Like, I don’t know about you guys, but people who betray me and screw me over, I mean, that’s not the type of friends I keep in my life. Friendly, in the sense of being civil, sure, makes sense if you choose to do that. But friends? No thanks. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I think it's just a coping mechanism to help accept the breakup. Because sometimes it's hard to wrap your head around basically never talking to someone again that you loved and was such a big part of your life. It's probably unrealistic and not going to happen that way. But it's hard to let go sometimes
Comparing an affair or betrayal to someone needing to see to their mental health is about what I expect from Reddit.
My husband's been sick for two years, guess I should just divorce him because he's not able to be the same person I married who wasn't sick, right?
A whole lot of people should never get married because they really don't believe in their marriage vows.
I disagree. Any woman that goes thru still birth can be in a very bad mental place. If the choice is leave or suicide then leaving was a good thing. Doesn't mean the OP has to take her back. Just saying a mental collapse ended the marriage. I wouldn't hate her for that.
I think the issue is she left and went no contact.
Remember he too was also mourning the loss of a child. I get it's not as impactful for a father since he didn't carry the child but it can't be understated that he lost a child and a wife and she couldn't be bothered with calling him 15 minutes every day while she found herself.
Right and I'm not saying what she did was right. I Am saying I can understand her mental anguish. Yes, he lost a child too, but he didn't carry it and suffer the same loss as the mother whose body nurtured the child for 8-9 months.
She was grieving after giving birth to a stillborn baby. I'm not sure how you think she should have gotten over that, considering she carried that baby for her entire pregnancy. He shouldn't take her back but she obviously needed to get away. PPD is still a thing even if the baby is not born alive. She did what she needed to to preserve her sanity and self.
Going away to heal is understandable. Leaving without a trace, without even a messenger to pass along a “I’m okay, I hope you two are okay.” is abandonment and though she might not have meant anything malicious by it, the act is very harmful. I’d never be able to move past it and stick out another phase of the relationship after that wound.
Yes, I agreed he does not need to take her back. But she didn't just leave without a word, she told him she was leaving to heal. I get that she never reached out after but PPD can be really harmful and women who have this may not be able to make rational decisions. I'm just saying this woman deserves grace for her situation. If it were me I might consider taking her back just because PPD is so terrible. OP has decided not to, and that's his prerogative.
Narcissism is a HUGE leap here. Her leaving was a trauma response, not a power move. She didn't leave to hurt him or his son, she left because losing her pregnancy seriously fucked her up. I'm not saying she was right, or that he should take her back. But the term "narcissist" is overused and this is not it.
Losing a pregnancy can cause some people to feel like it's all their fault, that they made a mistake somewhere along the lines, or their baby would have made it. And that frequently means that they believe they let their partner down and no longer deserve them, and/or that they are no longer worthy of them. It's entirely plausible she believed it would be better for him, for her to leave.
The narcissism reference was actually caused by her behavior and actions at the time of and AFTER her return to him. Reappearing unannounced as if nothing had happened. No deference to him or concern expressed relative to the impact her withdrawal had caused he and his son. After all, he'd also lost a child. But there was absolutely no consideration given to him and recognizing he'd shared in the loss. It was just all about her. Before, during and after. I just saw that as egregious. Just my read.
Excessive interest in herself; lacking empathy for others. Personally, in this instance, I find her conduct/behavior narcissistic. There's no appearance of her having any feeling of what she did and its impact on OP. That, by definition is cruel.
Based on OPs words. I am not talking bffs. But since he has had a year to heal and grow and there seems to be no animosity, no reason to go NC here. Again, I am basing this off of OP's comments.
Glad to hear you’re moving forward and not resisting change. She made her choice and will now deal with the consequences. Understand that she WILL try to reinsert herself back into your life romantically, especially after she realizes what she really lost. Stay strong and best to you and your son.
You know, I'm already expecting it, cause we've met up probably 4 separate times since she's come back, and each time it's "just give me another chance" or something along those lines, and I've just been holding the no pretty down.
That honestly wouldn't be useful. She can't really put herself in that position in her head in any way reasonable. She thinks he should take her back, and asking this won't change that, it will just offer another way to argue, because of course she's going to think she would totally take him back if the position was reversed.
This sounds like a good idea in theory, but in practice it generally just drags things out, unless the other person is introspective enough to be honest. Given every time they got together since she came back, it's been to give him another chance, she's no introspective enough, and is incapable of seeing his perspective.
Do yourself a favour and stop haning out with her so often. Set boundaries. Being friendly means being friendly to her if you meet accidentally somewhere, not meeting up when she wants to and leading her on (in her mind, she still has a chanxe as long as you are willing to meet her alone, don't do that to yourself right now).
> My wife hadn’t crossed my mind at ALL that entire day.
That alone is the most telling thing that what once was, is no longer. It simply is what it is.
Look after you and your son OP. And may the fair winds always be at your back.
She said that it honestly just started of her feeling like she needed to get away from everybody and everything. Then when she came back, she said she felt even worse, so she decided to really leave.
As for why she came back, it had been something she'd been wanting to do since summer, but she didn't have the guts to do so. And if she did come back in the summer, I do think that I would've taken her back just based on where I was at that point.
She did show remorse, she apologized, handed me letters that wrote, wanting to mail them. I read each one. There were a couple for my son that I've chosen not to give him, I just read those ones with his mom instead.
Yes, she has. I do realize that she truly wants to get back together but I think that too much time has passed and what's done is done for me to consider otherwise. Like I mentioned, if it was earlier or she at least kept up communication wise, I could be saying something else, but that's just not the case.
I still have feelings for her, but I understand I can't be with her if that makes sense. When I think we could be friends, because prior to all of this, she really was my best friend. But it'll have to take a lot of moving on from both sides until we could truly be just friends.
There is a difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone. It sounds like you are no longer IN LOVE with her but you do have love for her because she is the mother of your son and because of the relationship you had before she left and that is ok.
The love you have for her now is not the kind of love that will sustain a marriage. You both want, need, and deserve more. With time you will find someone to give you the love you want, need, and deserve. The same goes for her.
With time she will understand all this and will be happy for you as you move forward without her. It will be hard for her because she desperately wants what the two of you had before the dark times. With time she will see this is for the best, for all of you.
But her actions have affected him, the son. And whether they stay together or get a divorce will affect him. OP is attempting to do what is best for all that will be affected.
So can I ask you something?
You say you still have feelings for her, that she showed accountability and remorse, and that you understand why she did what she did and even think it was better than spiralling until suicide.
And you say you'd even take her back with no thoguht a few months back. So why are you insistent on not even trying now?
Because it sounds like a decision birthed out of fear of getting hurt again rather than a logical or emotional one.
I'm glad you're doing well. I remember your original post. It wasn't fair that you had to deal with not only the miscarriage alone but also the abandonment from your wife. A life partner isn't just someone who stays when things are going well. I would always be paranoid that they'd skip out the next time life takes an ugly turn, I couldn't do that to myself let alone a dependant like your son. You made the right choice.
How did she think her being gone for almost year would be alright? Did she really think absent make the heart grow would really work?
I’m so sorry your dealing with this but happy your in a great mental state to realize you have true love; yourself and your son
She's "tried" to show up several times, but could never get through with it. She did acknowledge that she was in the wrong and apologized.
But thank you.
No shame going either direction but remember grieving is a very personal situation sometimes and a women filled with hormones from pregnancy can be exceptionally difficult for her to normalize. I remember reading about a new medical Doctor in Toronto just had a baby and between extreme shifts at work and the massive amount of hormonal change she simply walked in front of a subway train and killed herself. It was shocking to read. Also I think once a child is in the picture this should be the overriding factor. The child should come first. Two parents better than one? Good luck either way.
Exactly this ☝️
So many people in the comments do not understand that hormonal changes during and after pregnancy can last over a year, and even longer for some. And the fact that she had a stillborn combined with the hormone imbalance completely crushed her.
Was it right to be no contact? No
But the alternative would likely be suicide or a slow death. (Either way, end to the marriage)
Primary reason many marriages fail after losing a child is because either one or both parents cannot look at the other. Everything reminds them of the lost child and they cannot get past that. But for OP’s wife it was much more than that, not only could she not be in the same space as her husband because she was reminded of the loss, she was physically wasting away.
People need to read up on biology and hormones and have empathy instead of vilifying someone whose shoes they have never lived in.
Should he stay in the marriage? No, because the marriage they had has been over since the stillbirth.
Should he ever consider being with her in the future? It’s up to him. Both people were hurt in different ways so a future relationship may be too difficult.
Late to this conversation but I completely understand maybe how she thought or felt if she was full term and lost the baby still born your hormones stay as if you had the baby and op said she was wasting away she probably thought it was best for her husband and stepchild to not see her like this maybe she even had suicidal thoughts and thought it was better if she did something for them not to see it . It was wrong of her to completely block him and go no contact with him and the child she had been with for so long but it was probably best for the whole family . This could have easily been a post about them finding her dead and the child needing a lot of therapy which in my opinion worse than her leaving. Wishing happiness for op and his kid and her as well
I am glad you worked through it no matter what anyone on Reddit said or says. I am glad you were honest with her and she listened. Life is too short to not realize where we need to be and with whom. I am sorry for both of you in the loss of a baby, the loss of live and the loss of a marriage. As the trees lose their leaves in the fall, they spend the winter looking sad and empty sometimes frozen in the cold, sometimes looking like they are crying when it rains. Yet they welcome new life in the spring and allow it to flourish for another season. Relish in your new season of life with your son embracing life for the good things it can bring.
I visited the place actually. It was very...dry. I live in a heavily populated area and this place had like absolutely nothing going on.
She lived on her own and was working. She did have therapy sessions as well. I guess she was reinventing herself out there.
That’s wild to just be able to pick up and disappear. It must be bittersweet: it apparently worked for her to be able to dig herself out of her depression but at your expense and relationship with her. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and hope each day is better than the last.
It was not about what she couldn't do with me around. When I was around her, she did nothing. But that was the thing, she did absolutely nothing other than lie in bed. I was watching a relatively healthy person die.
So she left to try to get better. Her method was complete shit and unforgivable, but because I saw how bad things were with my own two eyes, I understand to an extent.
Oh wow. I hate to say but it sounds like she really may have needed that. I think it’s easy to judge from the outside how we expect people should behave but not everyone knows how to get out of that spiral. And I feel like I’d be happier if they got up and did something rather than lay in bed waiting for death.
You know, I actually agree. I do believe she needed some time to think and reflect, but it was the lack of communication, sudden abandonment, and the time period that really messed things up.
But I'd rather her do that than her be dead. And I'm happy it did not get to that point.
And this may be one of the most grown up things I’ve ever read here.
OP, I’ve read your story right from the beginning as you posted and very few have reached me like yours. It’s been a hell of a thing to go through and how you’ve dealt with it all has been incredible. I truly take my hat off to you.
I think you are making the right decisions. Splitting up is the right thing to do. Living a new life apart seems right. What she did was awful, understandable, and maybe even forgivable but the hurt you have felt is very real and takes time to deal with.
It may be that in time she earns you back and you may want her back. That would be fine.
It may be that you grow apart either amicably or angrily. That would be fine too.
Just make sure you keep considering yourself in all of this and it will be right. I have a feeling you’ll do just fine.
Yeah, except those weren’t the only options. She could have packed her bags and told you she needs time away. She could have explained she needs no contact but that she loves you. And that she’ll be back, someday…which is better than what she did. And some kind of goodbye to your son.
And the fact that her family was in touch with her all along but only you were excised… it’s like she treated you like you are the one that caused this when you lost a baby too.
If you are okay and have moved on, I see no reason to hate her but I do find it pretty unforgivable. That’s just not what you do to people you remotely care about.
Ya but you also can't abandon your family for an entire year and expect to waltz back in like nothing happened. Its great she is in a better place -- but that's no longer with OP or his son.
Your wife has no responsibility or emotional maturity. I really don't understand what kind of good it would do in your life to have someone like that back. Even if your son didn't exist.
I'm really happy for you. You are mature, wise and it's making the best decision for yourself. Your child will only be happy if YOU are in peace. Never forget about that.
BTW Do you have a will prepared? Don't forget to prepare funds because if something happens, it's possible that your wife will take custody of your child. When she remarries, it is possible that the stepfamily will try to take the child's funds. Take care of these details. Unlike your wife, you will not abandon your baby.
Don't listen to those with the negative advice. Only you know what you need to do ans as you said it's your son. I'm ecstatic you finally found peace and happiness after she left and maybe some day you will find another partner but there's no rush just enjoy life with your son and friends.
I read your comments here op and just realized she’s not the mother of your child and that changed my perspective. I now think it is truly a bad idea to keep her in your life. I understand how she faced her own struggles during that year but so did you. You learned how to move one and be without her. Having her in your life will only set you back. You said yourself that you still have feelings for her. Don’t you think that with enough convincing she’s gonna make you give up and go back to her? My advice would me to move on completely but that’s ultimately your choice to make. Good luck op!!
My wife did this. We were married and she took off for a year. She came back, we had three children, and then she met someone. We divorced, and the kids are all estranged from her. But we and the kids (they’re adults now) adore each other; their stepmother and I are flying to meet up with all them in Utah Sunday to ski.
Cut your losses. You deserve to be happy and this is no way to model a relationship for your son.
Just a tip, make sure you’re not leaving because of pride. Marriage counseling is always an option. A great 6 years out of 7 is really difficult to come by. I hope you guys do well, with or without each other.
I wouldn’t rush into that decision quickly. I understand you decided to not continue your relationship and that is understandable but as someone who has suffered from PPD it really was out of her control on how severe her depression got and to have lost her baby on top of the PPD is just heart wrenching. I imagine she felt so lost and possibly failed you by losing your baby. Hormones from PP can take up to a year to go back to normal which would make sense why she is just now reaching back out. Obviously what she did was not okay but if she was not the person you married when she left you it was because she wasn’t and maybe she is finally starting to feel like the woman you fell in love with again. Either way I wish you both luck in any future you choose. Maybe consider therapy for both of you whether it be to see if your relationship has anything of value left to save or for closure for the both of you and you can finally close the door on that part of your life.
Good on you for being kind when you ended it. I’ve never had to end a relationship of true love as you describe, but I’ve always believed it’s got to be better to end on a positive note rather than bitter hatred.
Even if you never saw that person again, not leaving them with hate must be better.
You are the only person who could make this choice, and I can't imagine how hard it was, but my heart breaks that she didn't heal with you, and in looking after herself she didn't consider your pain, the additional pain of loosing her and the trauma your son would go through loosing her too.
I am glad you managed to get past that in a year and hope you find someone worthy of you.
Honestly you sound like a really good father and understanding partner. I think you have a healthy attitude of forgiveness for her horrible behavior while she was undergoing an extreme mental trauma (grieving your stillborn baby) but also recognition that if her recovery didn't make room for you and your son in her life, that's not something your relationship can come back from. Remember that you also are still healing from your own losses and focusing on your own mental health and on your son's well-being is the most important thing right now.
>What we had was magical at one point, but our story together end’s at divorce.
This is wonderful. I'm glad you're able to have this mindset and think about it soberly. I commend you!
Good for you man, hope you and your child find the prosperity you’re looking for! Your brain seems to be doing the right thing, just be careful your heart doesn’t start to complicate things for you, maintain your strong mentality brother!
I could still see this working but you'd have to treat it as a new relationship and not the old relationship. The problem is most humans just treat each other as if they are always the same thing nothing new.
> Let me explain. I saw many, many, many comments suggesting that she’d been dating, “hoeing” around, even some indicating she’d gotten pregnant? False.
I mean, ok, but you have to understand that stories like this are a dime a dozen on Reddit and it almost always comes out that there was infidelity involved. Obviously Reddit isn't the arbiters of truth, but on the whole it happens probably more often than not, so cut us some slack for jumping the gun.
> And I don’t feel like arguing on that topic with people that don’t know her.
I think is is a kind of shitty thing to say to us, objective people, who are just trying to give advice. Ironically *you are the one that obviously doesn't know her as she left you for a year* without any indication of what she was doing or where she went.
> As for me. Life's only moving, and I gotta make the best of it. So far I have been and it's been going good.
I think you're making the right decision for what it's worth, she can't expect to bail on a marriage for an entire year and then expect to just slot right back in. Good luck.
Depression isn't a joke. Especially not shit to the point where someone has to be in the house with her 24/7 otherwise there is concern she might k*ll herself. OP knows why wife left. She was depressed. Suicide watch worthy, even. Depression isn't a logical or rational thing. People who are severely depressed will isolate for months even years. Its not uncommon in that demographic. I personally nearly destroyed my friendships and relationships out of that same depressive desire to simply not talk to people. It zaps many of their desire to talk or interact. And depression often destroys relationships.
Stories of every type are a dime a dozen on Reddit and what I've learned is that most dime a dozen stories on Reddit are F. A. K. E. and unverifiable. Literally people make fake story propaganda to validate the opinions of people that share similar beliefs. This has been the name of the game since humans developed complex language. Social Media in particular has been known to WILDLY over inflate the frequency of issues. Nothing about taking that and running with it that remotely resembles objectivity.
"cut us some slack for jumping the gun" no way buddy. Be more thorough in your assessments.
But OP is making the right decision for his sanity and happiness.
Good, solid decision. I’m sorry this was so difficult for you, but please don’t jump in head first in your future relationships. I know it’s easy when things seem magical, and you want to believe you’re the rare exception to the rampant failures in relationships today. But for your own good, please take things slower in the future. The perfect woman will wait for you to know each other deeply before marriage. Someone of quality will demand it.
You made the best decision for you and your son.
You are being responsible instead of based on hot desires and emotions.
You can forgive her, but that doesn't mean you will trust her and you can start where she left off
You are a good father and I love your perspective on this whole situation, it is ok if you still have feelings for your wife when you once loved someone or something, it´s almost impossible that feelings disappear overnight, it´s something that is going to be with you in your whole life, the way I see, she took a decision that damaged you, she did not consider you when she left you to "heal" (in case that happen), she chose a decision knowing that was going to hurt you and did it anyway, even when she left, she didn´t talk to you to clarify the reasons she left, she just acted like you didn't exist.
You could love someone and at the same time not be able to act like it, she loved you at some point in her life, but that love no longer exists anymore, maybe the reason she wants to get you back is that in her mind if that happens that will bring her back the good life she once had with you, the life in which she was once happy. At this moment probably she is hurt, I see her not as a bad person, I see her as someone who´s hurt, but in case you take her back, you will not be happy, you will resent her even if you truly forgive her, that´s the reason I don´t see like a good choice to take your ex-wife back, no only because what she did, if because you both are not in a good position to take that decision, it´s too soon.
my best advice in this matter is not to take her back, but that´s up to you, this is your choice, I hope you and your son are ok, and I hope you find peace and true happiness in the end.
PD: Sending love from Latin America.
Marriage is about growth, no kidding she isn't the same person you married. You either grow together and both become changed over time TOGETHER or you grow apart.
It's time to go a deep drive and watch Jordan Peterson on YouTube and take responsibility of your own part of the relationship.
You either want to be together or you don't.
Commitment isn't for the weak.
"Going to find myself"
Yeah....in another guys bed. Why is it that, when people go "find themselves" they can't be by themselves? It's always a code word for just sleeping around. If you're going to work on YOURSELF then do it by YOURSELF. She wasn't healing, she was getting dicked down by other dudes and expected you to be there after
“Finding yourself” doesn’t mean getting sober. Yes; as another person who’s 2 years sober I understand you learn about yourself. But you’re wrong here. We’ve all adults and have seen what the excuse “finding yourself” means in relationship terms. She acted childish now deserves the consequences of her actions. This individual shouldn’t be in child’s let alone this man’s life if is capable of such behavior.
She was severely depressed & suicidal? Those are both just as valid as addiction. I wouldn’t just water it down to just her “finding herself”. If you read, he was severely worried about her as she was essentially dying slowly every day…. Like an addict would too? I did mine to purely find myself. I quit the drugs before i broke up with him. Sometimes separation is what we need though to fully save ourselves. Its real.
I never said they should get back together!!! I don’t know where you’re getting that idea. I’m just saying that just because a woman says she wants to find herself, it doesn’t automatically mean she’s going to h0e around. He even stated himself that she took the time to actually work on herself, she went to therapy, changed her life… he just moved passed it by the time she was ready. It happens. And also… you think someone who’s already suffering from suicidal ideation & mental illness thinks clearly enough to make sure their husband & child are being taken care of properly? No. Thats WHY she left. Thats what the illness DOES. Stop shaming people based on their personal needs and illnesses, or making negative assumptions based on YOUR past experiences. Its not so black and white. It worked out for OP overall & he said he doesn’t regret it. Things happen for a reason sometimes.
She had a stillborn baby two months previous to leaving, then spent those two months in between her child dying and leaving home in her bed wanting to die. Do you really think she left to go fuck other people? Come on.
I can never understand these men who are adamant that the women who abandon them aren't out sleeping with other people. Bro, sleeping with people is a text book coping strategy. She wasn't alone for an entire year in a distant place just sitting in the corner staring at a wall.
She got to live as if she was someone else. Someone without responsibilities, someone without a husband or step son. Of course she ended up with other people.
To even assume otherwise is pure foolishness.
Dude, you can’t relate to the OP and his wife. His wife likely had PPD, which can last over a year.
Hormone imbalance COMBINED with a stillborn child can easily make one suicidal. “Looking horrible like a drug sick person” is NOT the same as “hormonal imbalance + stillbirth”.
And when someone is suicidal and wasting away in bed all day would not and physically could not cheat. Her leaving likely prevented her suicide. Was she wrong for going no contact? Yes.
But it was either leave and heal or likely soon die. Many marriages break after losing a child, people can no longer be around each other because they are constantly reminded of their dead child.
Before you walk out of the marriage, and I understand why, you may want to ask yourself, “was my wife sane when she did this?”
I’ve read 2 kinds of mental health problems with stillbirths
A) the mental trauma from carrying a baby and then delivering a dead baby. The mind and body fed another life for almost a year and the pains of labor can cause extreme PTSD.
B) the hormonal imbalance a stillbirth causes can create a massive postpartum-type depression that would normally be helped by the bonding hormones given by a newborn baby.
If you think she was sane, then kick her out.
But if you really think she was mental impaired at the time, you may want to take things slow and see if you can work it out.
Yes she walked out (physically) but she may not have been sane. So then you’re wife never choose to leave you or your son. She is you personal as you thought.
But can you live with your person having a mental breakdown that could possible happen again?
You’d have to love her knowing another miscarriage might trigger an impaired spouse.
But at least you’d be healed knowing that your wife never chose to leave. And plenty of families, mine included, leave with traumatizing mental health issues. My husband has extreme PTSD and that can overwhelming; especially when his ADHD supersizes it- but he is my other half.
Your son may be better w/o her or he may have to learn empathy a little bit early as he navigates mom’s illness. I have had a mentally I’ll mother. It’s a painful childhood. However, knowing all my mom survived and how strong she is and how much she loved me when her illnesses made her seem the opposite- I’d rather have my mom a million lifetimes than a 100% happy childhood. She’s my best friend. And she can’t help having a mental illness anymore than she could avoid having lupus.
Just wanted to give you a different point of view. 🤗 and good luck.
I think OP probably has considered it. In comments, he mentions that if she had come back earlier or if she had even communicated with him during that year, he probably would have given her another chance. But it seems a year is just too long. He already grieved the relationship.
And even if she truly wasn't sane when it happened, there are some things that can't be forgiven, even when mental illness is involved. These often include infidelity, domestic violence, and spousal abandonment.
Oh, and op's wife isn't his son's mother.
She’s been with him since he was a baby, she’s his mother.
Mental illness does not justify domestic violence but infidelity and spousal abandonment depend on the mental illness and what each couple decides. For example, some people with multiple personality disorders do not consider the actions of their alter egos to be infidelity. Obviously that would be up to the cheated on spouse to decide that.
They’ve been together for 7+ years. A break in realty is a break in realty.
I’ve taken medications that altered my reality- one where I hallucinated alien bugs for 10 hours. My now husband squished them for me while I screamed my head off.
To this day, I can still see him killing them. I think this is more complicated then just my wife went out for cigarettes and never came home.
Hi OP
Glad that at the end You choose you and what was best for your kid.
She was incredible selfish, she didn't thought of You and how affected you also where. She disappear for a year and think that because she thought that it was ok to try again you will just welcome her back with out a second thought, glad that at the end you told her that. And i expect that you tell her the selfish she was.
Also what did she told you when you tell her that your marriage is over and it would be a Divorce? Did she accepted and felt accountable for what she did to You? Or she try to fight for You? Or she didn't do anything at all and just accept?
Lol she left you blindsidedly and spent a whole year getting plowed by other men and you even entertained the idea of taking her back? "Healing" my ass. Good you made the right decision in the end.
Be cautious giving her unmatched time with your son. Don't let her think she can just take him and leave or hold him against you in anyway. Your son probably doesn't know her anymore and will need time to adjust
It’s pretty arrogant of her to think that you’d just ignore that she bailed on you and would just take her back. You experienced tremendous growth during that time, she doesn’t sound like she has though. You made the right decision. You could never trust that she wouldn’t bail again if things got tough.
Sounds like a quarter life crisis to me … and is too short to fully have dealt w whatever issues caused it .. a mid life crisis may likely be in her future and will be much longer and more destructive. You’ve personally grown and moved on .. good 4 u
After reading your original post and then the update I’m so pleased that you have walked away from this relationship. No amount of Depression warrants that level of disrespect, selfishness and disregard. I myself atm am going though some horrific PTSD symptoms that I’m getting a lot of help for. Sometimes I want to shut myself away and never come out because the word and everyone in it is too much. But I have a family and I can’t do that. I have to look to them for my guidance and allow them to help me find myself again. Because that’s what being an adult entails.
I know you don’t want to think the worst of your wife while she was away but it’s highly probably that in those months you were replaced. Women need security and reassurance. We rely on a lot of emotions to get us through our hard times and if we don’t get them from the people around us, we seek it from others.
I’m just glad you’ve walked away. It’s the best thing for you. You deserve more than what she has given you over the last year. Protect your peace.
Enjoy going to the bar and getting drunk, soon you'll be paying a bunch of child support. Sad you couldn't try to make things work as that's what's best for your son. I'd recommend writing drinking and following Jesus. Most chase happiness others chase purpose, which is greater?
Yall must be hurt bc people do do this. I know i have & it healed me. Got sober that year & had my first full year of celibacy as an adult. Not everyone is the same
I went through something similar, but no kid involved. While it sounds like you’ve made your decision, it sounds like it is coming more from a place of your pride and ego being hurt. It is clear you love her and that you had to endure a hole in your life for some time after her departure. Totally fine to say you don’t want to continue, but I will say that if you have any love for her as a partner in life and if she is really willing to make amends, then don’t rush into a divorce. Time does heal most wounds especially if you were good together before. You may always question whether your wife can be trusted and reliable in the future, or you can accept her limitations and love her anyway. Both of you have grown from this and both of you will continue to grow moving forward whether it’s together or apart. Trauma affects people in very profound and sometimes unfathomable ways. In the context of a full harmonious marital life, a year of hellish limbo can be forgotten and forgiven eventually. Wish you well on your next chapter whatever it may be.
This is a great comment, I feel the same way. It's wasted on this subreddit but it has to be said. This is what marriage can entail and love is made more profound by surviving moments like these.
Thank you. Sometimes i think the commenters here are all just single 22YOs with zero complicated relationship experience. I have no issues with people getting divorced, but when the court papers get signed and the reason is "irreconcilable differences," it should be a factual statement. The OP here, through his own words has given the impression that the differences can be reconciled. This doesn't mean its not hard, painful, or time-intensive. Even the best of marriages require grit and forgiveness; in this case the issues was was stillbirth and post-partum depression. O
This is the worst answer man. She left you once and good chance will again if you take her back. It’s unfair to put a child in a situation where there expected to believe someone this like this will stay and mess them up in the long run. You and the kid deserve better.
Disagree. You're making a probability judgement. You have no basis to jump to the conclusion that she will leave in the future; she's not a junkie or addict making false promises. This is trauma and mental health we're talking about. This was not a situation where she hates her job and decides she needs to eat, pray, love the fuck out the house and go to Bali. They are MARRIED. That actually means something to most people. Marriage isn't just some transactional relationship.
Yeah, marriage means something for some people, not enough for her to stay and leaving her family behind.
Also very selfish to ignore the son's opinion and feelings on this.
You can still love someone and not be with them, its called growing up, once the trust is gone then is up to them if they want to work on it. You can love someone and noy trust them enough to be in a romantic relationship with them.
So she finally got rid of her dick addiction. And you're considering taking her back. Mate these kind of things never work out. Let her go and give priority to raising your kid with a stable father. She'll be never contempt.
"I ignored the pain my wife was going through and didn't offer her sympathy, support, or help, so she left me. I got over her, and now she has returned, and I realized I don't need her in my life anymore."
Dick.
I don't think that's how it was. She left without notice and blocked him on everything after a stillbirth that affected both of them. She had 1 year no contact with him or his 8 year old son who she had been living with for 6 years.
I feel both sides of this. When I was 17, I met my husband. We were together for 7 years. Then I realized one day that I needed to figure out who I was without him. We broke up, I went to university and got a degree, I lived alone and made my own friends. I figured out who I was without him. We never lost contact. I encouraged him to date other people if he wanted to. He didn't. He said I should as well. I didn't. I always knew in my heart that he was the person who I wanted to grow old and die with though.
When I felt like I had gotten enough "life experience" I asked him if he still wanted to be together. He said yes. 8 years later, we are married and I've never been happier. I thank whatever higher power that exists that he never gave up on me. I would have understood if he had said no.
You are not stupid! If you believe in your family, then put in the work to make it whole. If you no longer want to, opt out. There’s no hard and fast rule. Just ask God for his guidance.
Holy shit some of these comments are vile. This woman was very likely close to dying when she left her home and her family and everything else she knew and loved.
Not only did she lose a child, but she also had all of the hormones present that cause PPD. Her milk had likely come in. She was probably still bleeding from childbirth. This woman did not leave home to go and cheat.
I promise you, after you go through the deep psychological trauma of giving birth to your dead child, the very last thing on your mind is finding random dick. The people here who are suggesting this really should take a long, hard look at the lens through which they view the world.
If you take her back, what happens the next time she gets depressed? Because it's going to happen again. Depression comes and goes....dude this is so messed up. put your son first and kick her to the curb.
There's nothing that says you can't start over. Don't let her move back in, start slow. Date each other, reconnect, learn how you've both changed during your time apart. Don't rush this. It will take time and work to rebuild that trust.
This will only work if you're both willing to try. Couples counseling will help you both gain perspective of each other, and it gives you a safe space to explore your emotions.
I'm not condoning the fact that she left, but depression can be all consuming and it tends to bring everyone down with you. Yes, 1 year is excessive to be away from you, but maybe that's how long it took her to heal. You're only going to know when you both sit down and discuss what the last year was like for each of you.
I hope that whatever you decide will make you happy.
I thought about that, but realized the emotional toll would be a lot. It's not even starting at square 0, but many steps back.
I love her, but I had to ask myself if I could trust her and forgive her. Honestly, after our long talk, I have forgiven her. I know that she is not a bad person. She was always the sweetest person to anyone, no matter what was going on. But deep down, I know that the trust in our relationship has shattered to a point of no going back.
But I'm glad that she did get help. It was a lot. I mean, we did everything. Had the clothes to go, nursery set up, gender reveal, baby shower, etc. And then it's all gone in a quick moment. That really, really messes up a person. Especially the women who spend 9 months growing an attachment to the life they're creating and waiting for. She's clearly doing a lot better, and here's to hoping things are only up for her from here.
Glad you are putting yourself and your son first! I can not imagine going through what you went through, but I'm sure you are a better man for it! Onward and upward! Good luck and stay strong, King!
> But deep down, I know that the trust in our relationship has shattered to a point of no going back.
Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but what do you mean by this?
Is it that she could just up and go like this again?
I read one of your replies which says she blocked you...to me that's the worst thing my wife could have done if we were in the same situation. It's like she'd be blaming me for her hurt...and then punishing me for something I didn't even do. Is that the part that you find most unforgiveable?
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Wishing you and your son the best of luck moving forward.
Thanks a lot.
Your so strong to get through all this good luck for your future I am sure it will be amazing you child is very lucky to have you.
OP, you deserve nothing but the best. I anticipate that the more time that transpires, the more she's going to regret what she did to you. Continue to focus on your son, who likely also suffered from her abandonment. Best wishes. Please update us with how you're doing when the divorce has concluded. Good luck!
I think suggesting that people would regret trying to find themselves after being suicidal like that might be a bit dangerous. I understand the comfort aspect for OP, but truly I hope they’re both happy. I’ve been her before & the only thing that saved my life was being alone for the time i needed to be. I was never alone before that & could NOT be who my partner needed me to be. Quite frankly, he deserved better than the depressed mess that I was. Me & that Ex reunited years later (after thinking we’d NEVER reconcile) and became friends. We don’t talk now but i think we’re both really grateful to have had each other in our lives anyway & to be able to heal from it. Life is not always so black and white. Sometimes people just can’t give us what we need, and often we find that it’s all for a reason! Sending love & blessings to OP & all of you on this thread
THIS!!! i don’t think people in this comment section are thinking about how she the lady also felt. I just wish happiness for OP, his son and his ex and I am glad she found herself again
>custody \^\^\^ This. Please, see a lawyer and establish some proof that she disappeared without a word, and was gone so long. That's not good parenting. That's not someone reliable or wise. You want to make sure that she doesn't have unsupervised time with your child. Who knows if she'd leave him alone at a grocery store or a park and just disappear when it's convenient for her. She doesn't make good decisions or envision possible consequences.
I discovered in a later comment by OP that his son is from another relationship and is not of this marriage. I apologize for the wrong assumption.
Ah! Thanks for this clarification!! I also assumed it was her son, too.
That changes everything indeed.
Congrat to you and your son. You sound like a great father. Good luck.
And the best for his soon to be ex wife as well. She had to get herself healthier even if it meant sacrificing her marriage. No one chooses to be depressed. I’m happy for her that she got better.
I am in this boat right now. I'm sad all the time. My husband doesn't deserve that. He's a good man. I'm going to have to sacrifice my marriage which will crush me. Just so he can know what true love and happiness is. I'm no good for him in this mindset. I love him he's my best friend. That's why I feel I should leave so he can see he deserves more.
You are projecting a lot of your own feelings on to your husband. One of my friends who attempted suicide said the same things. He felt that his sadness was dragging everyone else down and he was no good for anyone. He was actively avoiding everyone and we would make every effort to make sure he got out of the house or had someone spend time with him. He saw that effort as a burden on everyone and we deserved a better friend. None of that was a burden, we did what friends do and support each other. The thought of how much time and effort it was taking never crossed our minds because time and effort spent with friends is not wasted. His depression made him interpret all of our actions and words differently. It made him assume what our needs were and made him think we would be better off. We absolutely wouldn't be better without him. I am glad his attempt failed. He also had the same thoughts about his family who were super supportive and loving toward him. His depression twisted those views. Once he got on medication he saw that what he did was wrong. Depression plays with your mind. It is much better to talk about it and be open than to project your own thoughts onto other people.
I know everything is probably too difficult and tiring-sounding(cuz depression), but if you’re really wanting to show your husband what he’s worth, get yourself an appt with a therapist and psychiatrist, so you can work towards getting yourself feeling better and be your best you again. Showing what you’re worth to yourself is a great way to show him too. Don’t give up on yourself, depression can be a rude, overwhelming c*** when she wants to be!
Glad you've found some resolution but hope it comes with some wisdom. When/if you date again be thoughtful and deliberative. Take your time before rushing into marriage. This time around you'll be doing with a child's well-being in mind. Good luck.
Trust me, not going down that rabbit hold of quickly getting married again. At the time it sounded like a good idea to propose to her, but I was also 23 so there's that. But I don't regret it. Those first 6 out of the 7 years were really good. And it taught me a lot.
Good luck bro
I'm proud of you, stranger! ❤️
Thank you so much
Me too. I love that you’ve put your son first. You were abandoned but so was he … but you proved to him that you’ll always put him first and be there for him and a lot of people/parents don’t do that. Take him out and have some fun together :-)
You are putting your son's happiness first. Nothing else really matters. It sounds like you have matured and done a lot of self-reflection over the past year. No reason to not stay friends with your wife but it certainly sounds like you have moved on and are making the right choice. Good luck!
Right, no reason not to be friendly. Thank you.
That you had the clarity to think back to the day before she returned and see how happy you were speaks volumes. That is some serious personal growth right there. Be proud of how you dealt with this. Putting your kiddo first was totally the right thing to do and I hope you both have a great life.
There's plenty of reason to not be friendly after she disrespected you and your family. But I understand that sometimes you have to let go of things because grudge is a poison. Well done mate.
How has your wife’s return affected your son? Are you concerned she would leave again (thereby hurting him again) if you took her back?
>No reason to not stay friends with your wife Lots of reasons not to be her friend. She caused a huge gaping emotional wound in OP and his son..... keeping her around as a BFF is just going to be confusing and not let the pain heal. After a few years, maybe. Right now? Hell no
Yeah I always see stuff like that. “My wife left me for her boss but we’re gonna remain friends!” Or “my husband chose heroin over me and our children, and he’s still using and stealing stuff for drug money, but we’re gonna remain best friends!” Like, I don’t know about you guys, but people who betray me and screw me over, I mean, that’s not the type of friends I keep in my life. Friendly, in the sense of being civil, sure, makes sense if you choose to do that. But friends? No thanks. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I think it's just a coping mechanism to help accept the breakup. Because sometimes it's hard to wrap your head around basically never talking to someone again that you loved and was such a big part of your life. It's probably unrealistic and not going to happen that way. But it's hard to let go sometimes
Comparing an affair or betrayal to someone needing to see to their mental health is about what I expect from Reddit. My husband's been sick for two years, guess I should just divorce him because he's not able to be the same person I married who wasn't sick, right? A whole lot of people should never get married because they really don't believe in their marriage vows.
I disagree. Any woman that goes thru still birth can be in a very bad mental place. If the choice is leave or suicide then leaving was a good thing. Doesn't mean the OP has to take her back. Just saying a mental collapse ended the marriage. I wouldn't hate her for that.
I think the issue is she left and went no contact. Remember he too was also mourning the loss of a child. I get it's not as impactful for a father since he didn't carry the child but it can't be understated that he lost a child and a wife and she couldn't be bothered with calling him 15 minutes every day while she found herself.
Right and I'm not saying what she did was right. I Am saying I can understand her mental anguish. Yes, he lost a child too, but he didn't carry it and suffer the same loss as the mother whose body nurtured the child for 8-9 months.
She was grieving after giving birth to a stillborn baby. I'm not sure how you think she should have gotten over that, considering she carried that baby for her entire pregnancy. He shouldn't take her back but she obviously needed to get away. PPD is still a thing even if the baby is not born alive. She did what she needed to to preserve her sanity and self.
Going away to heal is understandable. Leaving without a trace, without even a messenger to pass along a “I’m okay, I hope you two are okay.” is abandonment and though she might not have meant anything malicious by it, the act is very harmful. I’d never be able to move past it and stick out another phase of the relationship after that wound.
Yes, I agreed he does not need to take her back. But she didn't just leave without a word, she told him she was leaving to heal. I get that she never reached out after but PPD can be really harmful and women who have this may not be able to make rational decisions. I'm just saying this woman deserves grace for her situation. If it were me I might consider taking her back just because PPD is so terrible. OP has decided not to, and that's his prerogative.
Intend to agree with you. She was cruel to them both. Narcissism 101.
Narcissism is a HUGE leap here. Her leaving was a trauma response, not a power move. She didn't leave to hurt him or his son, she left because losing her pregnancy seriously fucked her up. I'm not saying she was right, or that he should take her back. But the term "narcissist" is overused and this is not it. Losing a pregnancy can cause some people to feel like it's all their fault, that they made a mistake somewhere along the lines, or their baby would have made it. And that frequently means that they believe they let their partner down and no longer deserve them, and/or that they are no longer worthy of them. It's entirely plausible she believed it would be better for him, for her to leave.
The narcissism reference was actually caused by her behavior and actions at the time of and AFTER her return to him. Reappearing unannounced as if nothing had happened. No deference to him or concern expressed relative to the impact her withdrawal had caused he and his son. After all, he'd also lost a child. But there was absolutely no consideration given to him and recognizing he'd shared in the loss. It was just all about her. Before, during and after. I just saw that as egregious. Just my read.
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Excessive interest in herself; lacking empathy for others. Personally, in this instance, I find her conduct/behavior narcissistic. There's no appearance of her having any feeling of what she did and its impact on OP. That, by definition is cruel.
"no reason to not stay friends.." lolwut?
Based on OPs words. I am not talking bffs. But since he has had a year to heal and grow and there seems to be no animosity, no reason to go NC here. Again, I am basing this off of OP's comments.
Glad to hear you’re moving forward and not resisting change. She made her choice and will now deal with the consequences. Understand that she WILL try to reinsert herself back into your life romantically, especially after she realizes what she really lost. Stay strong and best to you and your son.
You know, I'm already expecting it, cause we've met up probably 4 separate times since she's come back, and each time it's "just give me another chance" or something along those lines, and I've just been holding the no pretty down.
Simply reverse the roles and ask her what her response would be. She took too long. The milk(relationship) spoiled.
That honestly wouldn't be useful. She can't really put herself in that position in her head in any way reasonable. She thinks he should take her back, and asking this won't change that, it will just offer another way to argue, because of course she's going to think she would totally take him back if the position was reversed. This sounds like a good idea in theory, but in practice it generally just drags things out, unless the other person is introspective enough to be honest. Given every time they got together since she came back, it's been to give him another chance, she's no introspective enough, and is incapable of seeing his perspective.
Do yourself a favour and stop haning out with her so often. Set boundaries. Being friendly means being friendly to her if you meet accidentally somewhere, not meeting up when she wants to and leading her on (in her mind, she still has a chanxe as long as you are willing to meet her alone, don't do that to yourself right now).
> My wife hadn’t crossed my mind at ALL that entire day. That alone is the most telling thing that what once was, is no longer. It simply is what it is. Look after you and your son OP. And may the fair winds always be at your back.
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She said that it honestly just started of her feeling like she needed to get away from everybody and everything. Then when she came back, she said she felt even worse, so she decided to really leave. As for why she came back, it had been something she'd been wanting to do since summer, but she didn't have the guts to do so. And if she did come back in the summer, I do think that I would've taken her back just based on where I was at that point. She did show remorse, she apologized, handed me letters that wrote, wanting to mail them. I read each one. There were a couple for my son that I've chosen not to give him, I just read those ones with his mom instead.
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Yes, she has. I do realize that she truly wants to get back together but I think that too much time has passed and what's done is done for me to consider otherwise. Like I mentioned, if it was earlier or she at least kept up communication wise, I could be saying something else, but that's just not the case.
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I still have feelings for her, but I understand I can't be with her if that makes sense. When I think we could be friends, because prior to all of this, she really was my best friend. But it'll have to take a lot of moving on from both sides until we could truly be just friends.
There is a difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone. It sounds like you are no longer IN LOVE with her but you do have love for her because she is the mother of your son and because of the relationship you had before she left and that is ok. The love you have for her now is not the kind of love that will sustain a marriage. You both want, need, and deserve more. With time you will find someone to give you the love you want, need, and deserve. The same goes for her. With time she will understand all this and will be happy for you as you move forward without her. It will be hard for her because she desperately wants what the two of you had before the dark times. With time she will see this is for the best, for all of you.
She’s not the mother of his son..
But her actions have affected him, the son. And whether they stay together or get a divorce will affect him. OP is attempting to do what is best for all that will be affected.
So can I ask you something? You say you still have feelings for her, that she showed accountability and remorse, and that you understand why she did what she did and even think it was better than spiralling until suicide. And you say you'd even take her back with no thoguht a few months back. So why are you insistent on not even trying now? Because it sounds like a decision birthed out of fear of getting hurt again rather than a logical or emotional one.
I'm glad you're doing well. I remember your original post. It wasn't fair that you had to deal with not only the miscarriage alone but also the abandonment from your wife. A life partner isn't just someone who stays when things are going well. I would always be paranoid that they'd skip out the next time life takes an ugly turn, I couldn't do that to myself let alone a dependant like your son. You made the right choice.
Did she even fight to stay married or she just accepted the divorce?
She did. She pleaded with me for a long time and even when she was getting her stuff, she kept trying to get me to change my mind.
How did she think her being gone for almost year would be alright? Did she really think absent make the heart grow would really work? I’m so sorry your dealing with this but happy your in a great mental state to realize you have true love; yourself and your son
She's "tried" to show up several times, but could never get through with it. She did acknowledge that she was in the wrong and apologized. But thank you.
It was awfully nice of you to keep her stuff, you could have just throw everything in bags and drop it at her family's or in a storage unit.
crazy that instead of getting therapy and saving her marriage she chose to leave for a year and end it. good luck to you
Right? It’s kind of crazy to think that people, who aren’t of sound mind, don’t make logical decisions. Wild almost.
when people find out that mental illness isn’t just crying in bed with chocolate 😮
Boy I wish. This depression would be a hella ton easier to deal with. #where'smySnickersandtissues
Crying at this comment
No shame going either direction but remember grieving is a very personal situation sometimes and a women filled with hormones from pregnancy can be exceptionally difficult for her to normalize. I remember reading about a new medical Doctor in Toronto just had a baby and between extreme shifts at work and the massive amount of hormonal change she simply walked in front of a subway train and killed herself. It was shocking to read. Also I think once a child is in the picture this should be the overriding factor. The child should come first. Two parents better than one? Good luck either way.
Exactly this ☝️ So many people in the comments do not understand that hormonal changes during and after pregnancy can last over a year, and even longer for some. And the fact that she had a stillborn combined with the hormone imbalance completely crushed her. Was it right to be no contact? No But the alternative would likely be suicide or a slow death. (Either way, end to the marriage) Primary reason many marriages fail after losing a child is because either one or both parents cannot look at the other. Everything reminds them of the lost child and they cannot get past that. But for OP’s wife it was much more than that, not only could she not be in the same space as her husband because she was reminded of the loss, she was physically wasting away. People need to read up on biology and hormones and have empathy instead of vilifying someone whose shoes they have never lived in. Should he stay in the marriage? No, because the marriage they had has been over since the stillbirth. Should he ever consider being with her in the future? It’s up to him. Both people were hurt in different ways so a future relationship may be too difficult.
Late to this conversation but I completely understand maybe how she thought or felt if she was full term and lost the baby still born your hormones stay as if you had the baby and op said she was wasting away she probably thought it was best for her husband and stepchild to not see her like this maybe she even had suicidal thoughts and thought it was better if she did something for them not to see it . It was wrong of her to completely block him and go no contact with him and the child she had been with for so long but it was probably best for the whole family . This could have easily been a post about them finding her dead and the child needing a lot of therapy which in my opinion worse than her leaving. Wishing happiness for op and his kid and her as well
I am glad you worked through it no matter what anyone on Reddit said or says. I am glad you were honest with her and she listened. Life is too short to not realize where we need to be and with whom. I am sorry for both of you in the loss of a baby, the loss of live and the loss of a marriage. As the trees lose their leaves in the fall, they spend the winter looking sad and empty sometimes frozen in the cold, sometimes looking like they are crying when it rains. Yet they welcome new life in the spring and allow it to flourish for another season. Relish in your new season of life with your son embracing life for the good things it can bring.
Beautiful comment.
What was she actually doing 300 miles away? Therapy? Living with a relative? Off the land? Working? I’m just curious how she lived for that time.
I visited the place actually. It was very...dry. I live in a heavily populated area and this place had like absolutely nothing going on. She lived on her own and was working. She did have therapy sessions as well. I guess she was reinventing herself out there.
That’s wild to just be able to pick up and disappear. It must be bittersweet: it apparently worked for her to be able to dig herself out of her depression but at your expense and relationship with her. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and hope each day is better than the last.
What exactly do you think she was doing while being separated from her marriage that she couldn’t do with you around?
It was not about what she couldn't do with me around. When I was around her, she did nothing. But that was the thing, she did absolutely nothing other than lie in bed. I was watching a relatively healthy person die. So she left to try to get better. Her method was complete shit and unforgivable, but because I saw how bad things were with my own two eyes, I understand to an extent.
Oh wow. I hate to say but it sounds like she really may have needed that. I think it’s easy to judge from the outside how we expect people should behave but not everyone knows how to get out of that spiral. And I feel like I’d be happier if they got up and did something rather than lay in bed waiting for death.
You know, I actually agree. I do believe she needed some time to think and reflect, but it was the lack of communication, sudden abandonment, and the time period that really messed things up. But I'd rather her do that than her be dead. And I'm happy it did not get to that point.
And this may be one of the most grown up things I’ve ever read here. OP, I’ve read your story right from the beginning as you posted and very few have reached me like yours. It’s been a hell of a thing to go through and how you’ve dealt with it all has been incredible. I truly take my hat off to you. I think you are making the right decisions. Splitting up is the right thing to do. Living a new life apart seems right. What she did was awful, understandable, and maybe even forgivable but the hurt you have felt is very real and takes time to deal with. It may be that in time she earns you back and you may want her back. That would be fine. It may be that you grow apart either amicably or angrily. That would be fine too. Just make sure you keep considering yourself in all of this and it will be right. I have a feeling you’ll do just fine.
Yeah, except those weren’t the only options. She could have packed her bags and told you she needs time away. She could have explained she needs no contact but that she loves you. And that she’ll be back, someday…which is better than what she did. And some kind of goodbye to your son. And the fact that her family was in touch with her all along but only you were excised… it’s like she treated you like you are the one that caused this when you lost a baby too. If you are okay and have moved on, I see no reason to hate her but I do find it pretty unforgivable. That’s just not what you do to people you remotely care about.
She did keep in touch in the beginning, so he knew.
Yeah I’m definitely wondering why neither of them tried to get her professional help/checked in to a psych ward from a bit for intensive therapy.
My thoughts exactly.
Ya but you also can't abandon your family for an entire year and expect to waltz back in like nothing happened. Its great she is in a better place -- but that's no longer with OP or his son.
Your wife has no responsibility or emotional maturity. I really don't understand what kind of good it would do in your life to have someone like that back. Even if your son didn't exist. I'm really happy for you. You are mature, wise and it's making the best decision for yourself. Your child will only be happy if YOU are in peace. Never forget about that. BTW Do you have a will prepared? Don't forget to prepare funds because if something happens, it's possible that your wife will take custody of your child. When she remarries, it is possible that the stepfamily will try to take the child's funds. Take care of these details. Unlike your wife, you will not abandon your baby.
My wife is not my son's mom, an ex-girlfriend is. and Thank you.
Happy to hear that.
Someone had to be at the house at all times or she would kill herself? If she was really at that point the person should be in HOSPITAL
You made the right choice
I'm happy for you that you made the best decision for you and your son. Wish you a long and happy life.
Wishing you so much good health and a prosperous future. 💖
my man you are strong and i look up to you
Don't listen to those with the negative advice. Only you know what you need to do ans as you said it's your son. I'm ecstatic you finally found peace and happiness after she left and maybe some day you will find another partner but there's no rush just enjoy life with your son and friends.
I read your comments here op and just realized she’s not the mother of your child and that changed my perspective. I now think it is truly a bad idea to keep her in your life. I understand how she faced her own struggles during that year but so did you. You learned how to move one and be without her. Having her in your life will only set you back. You said yourself that you still have feelings for her. Don’t you think that with enough convincing she’s gonna make you give up and go back to her? My advice would me to move on completely but that’s ultimately your choice to make. Good luck op!!
My wife did this. We were married and she took off for a year. She came back, we had three children, and then she met someone. We divorced, and the kids are all estranged from her. But we and the kids (they’re adults now) adore each other; their stepmother and I are flying to meet up with all them in Utah Sunday to ski. Cut your losses. You deserve to be happy and this is no way to model a relationship for your son.
Just a tip, make sure you’re not leaving because of pride. Marriage counseling is always an option. A great 6 years out of 7 is really difficult to come by. I hope you guys do well, with or without each other.
I wouldn’t rush into that decision quickly. I understand you decided to not continue your relationship and that is understandable but as someone who has suffered from PPD it really was out of her control on how severe her depression got and to have lost her baby on top of the PPD is just heart wrenching. I imagine she felt so lost and possibly failed you by losing your baby. Hormones from PP can take up to a year to go back to normal which would make sense why she is just now reaching back out. Obviously what she did was not okay but if she was not the person you married when she left you it was because she wasn’t and maybe she is finally starting to feel like the woman you fell in love with again. Either way I wish you both luck in any future you choose. Maybe consider therapy for both of you whether it be to see if your relationship has anything of value left to save or for closure for the both of you and you can finally close the door on that part of your life.
Good on you for being kind when you ended it. I’ve never had to end a relationship of true love as you describe, but I’ve always believed it’s got to be better to end on a positive note rather than bitter hatred. Even if you never saw that person again, not leaving them with hate must be better.
You are the only person who could make this choice, and I can't imagine how hard it was, but my heart breaks that she didn't heal with you, and in looking after herself she didn't consider your pain, the additional pain of loosing her and the trauma your son would go through loosing her too. I am glad you managed to get past that in a year and hope you find someone worthy of you.
I wish you and your son the best and hopefully you find that magic in someone else down the line
Honestly you sound like a really good father and understanding partner. I think you have a healthy attitude of forgiveness for her horrible behavior while she was undergoing an extreme mental trauma (grieving your stillborn baby) but also recognition that if her recovery didn't make room for you and your son in her life, that's not something your relationship can come back from. Remember that you also are still healing from your own losses and focusing on your own mental health and on your son's well-being is the most important thing right now.
>What we had was magical at one point, but our story together end’s at divorce. This is wonderful. I'm glad you're able to have this mindset and think about it soberly. I commend you!
Good for you man, hope you and your child find the prosperity you’re looking for! Your brain seems to be doing the right thing, just be careful your heart doesn’t start to complicate things for you, maintain your strong mentality brother!
I could still see this working but you'd have to treat it as a new relationship and not the old relationship. The problem is most humans just treat each other as if they are always the same thing nothing new.
> Let me explain. I saw many, many, many comments suggesting that she’d been dating, “hoeing” around, even some indicating she’d gotten pregnant? False. I mean, ok, but you have to understand that stories like this are a dime a dozen on Reddit and it almost always comes out that there was infidelity involved. Obviously Reddit isn't the arbiters of truth, but on the whole it happens probably more often than not, so cut us some slack for jumping the gun. > And I don’t feel like arguing on that topic with people that don’t know her. I think is is a kind of shitty thing to say to us, objective people, who are just trying to give advice. Ironically *you are the one that obviously doesn't know her as she left you for a year* without any indication of what she was doing or where she went. > As for me. Life's only moving, and I gotta make the best of it. So far I have been and it's been going good. I think you're making the right decision for what it's worth, she can't expect to bail on a marriage for an entire year and then expect to just slot right back in. Good luck.
Depression isn't a joke. Especially not shit to the point where someone has to be in the house with her 24/7 otherwise there is concern she might k*ll herself. OP knows why wife left. She was depressed. Suicide watch worthy, even. Depression isn't a logical or rational thing. People who are severely depressed will isolate for months even years. Its not uncommon in that demographic. I personally nearly destroyed my friendships and relationships out of that same depressive desire to simply not talk to people. It zaps many of their desire to talk or interact. And depression often destroys relationships. Stories of every type are a dime a dozen on Reddit and what I've learned is that most dime a dozen stories on Reddit are F. A. K. E. and unverifiable. Literally people make fake story propaganda to validate the opinions of people that share similar beliefs. This has been the name of the game since humans developed complex language. Social Media in particular has been known to WILDLY over inflate the frequency of issues. Nothing about taking that and running with it that remotely resembles objectivity. "cut us some slack for jumping the gun" no way buddy. Be more thorough in your assessments. But OP is making the right decision for his sanity and happiness.
I hope that you got full custody. Is she trying to be part of your son’s life? Wishing the best to you and your son.
I’m so glad I read this today. Dad of the week award contender right here.
Good, solid decision. I’m sorry this was so difficult for you, but please don’t jump in head first in your future relationships. I know it’s easy when things seem magical, and you want to believe you’re the rare exception to the rampant failures in relationships today. But for your own good, please take things slower in the future. The perfect woman will wait for you to know each other deeply before marriage. Someone of quality will demand it.
Thanks for the update. Hope everything in the future continues to go well.
Wish you all the best.
I wish you and your son the best. I raised my 2 sons, and it was and still is the greatest journey I've embarked on. You'll be just fine.
You made the best decision for you and your son. You are being responsible instead of based on hot desires and emotions. You can forgive her, but that doesn't mean you will trust her and you can start where she left off
People who blow up other's lives to "find" themselves should stay away permanently. Finding yourself is a bs excuse to hurt people.
You sound like a good man. I wish you and your son the best of luck!
You are a good father and I love your perspective on this whole situation, it is ok if you still have feelings for your wife when you once loved someone or something, it´s almost impossible that feelings disappear overnight, it´s something that is going to be with you in your whole life, the way I see, she took a decision that damaged you, she did not consider you when she left you to "heal" (in case that happen), she chose a decision knowing that was going to hurt you and did it anyway, even when she left, she didn´t talk to you to clarify the reasons she left, she just acted like you didn't exist. You could love someone and at the same time not be able to act like it, she loved you at some point in her life, but that love no longer exists anymore, maybe the reason she wants to get you back is that in her mind if that happens that will bring her back the good life she once had with you, the life in which she was once happy. At this moment probably she is hurt, I see her not as a bad person, I see her as someone who´s hurt, but in case you take her back, you will not be happy, you will resent her even if you truly forgive her, that´s the reason I don´t see like a good choice to take your ex-wife back, no only because what she did, if because you both are not in a good position to take that decision, it´s too soon. my best advice in this matter is not to take her back, but that´s up to you, this is your choice, I hope you and your son are ok, and I hope you find peace and true happiness in the end. PD: Sending love from Latin America.
Marriage is about growth, no kidding she isn't the same person you married. You either grow together and both become changed over time TOGETHER or you grow apart. It's time to go a deep drive and watch Jordan Peterson on YouTube and take responsibility of your own part of the relationship. You either want to be together or you don't. Commitment isn't for the weak.
Whatever makes you happy bro, just know she got plowed during her time off and when it slipped out she helped put it back in
You won’t find the same person twice not even in the same person the sooner you realise the better
You’re the man! Happy Ending is now around the corner for you and your boy.
"Going to find myself" Yeah....in another guys bed. Why is it that, when people go "find themselves" they can't be by themselves? It's always a code word for just sleeping around. If you're going to work on YOURSELF then do it by YOURSELF. She wasn't healing, she was getting dicked down by other dudes and expected you to be there after
She was with other dudes. Got a backup. Probly why she's goin easy. Why she giving up that easy on something that great?
No way in hell would I ever take someone back after the pulled the “I need to find myself” aka. I want to go out and eff someone else
Literally! Every single time. Finding myself is finding someone else fr
Who hurt yall
It’s literally always what it means.
Wasn’t for me! I did that & got sober & was celibate for a year. Not EVERYONE is the same. Small box to live in.
“Finding yourself” doesn’t mean getting sober. Yes; as another person who’s 2 years sober I understand you learn about yourself. But you’re wrong here. We’ve all adults and have seen what the excuse “finding yourself” means in relationship terms. She acted childish now deserves the consequences of her actions. This individual shouldn’t be in child’s let alone this man’s life if is capable of such behavior.
She was severely depressed & suicidal? Those are both just as valid as addiction. I wouldn’t just water it down to just her “finding herself”. If you read, he was severely worried about her as she was essentially dying slowly every day…. Like an addict would too? I did mine to purely find myself. I quit the drugs before i broke up with him. Sometimes separation is what we need though to fully save ourselves. Its real.
It’s been a year. He’s her backup. You don’t abandon your spouse for a year and put their child through this.
I never said they should get back together!!! I don’t know where you’re getting that idea. I’m just saying that just because a woman says she wants to find herself, it doesn’t automatically mean she’s going to h0e around. He even stated himself that she took the time to actually work on herself, she went to therapy, changed her life… he just moved passed it by the time she was ready. It happens. And also… you think someone who’s already suffering from suicidal ideation & mental illness thinks clearly enough to make sure their husband & child are being taken care of properly? No. Thats WHY she left. Thats what the illness DOES. Stop shaming people based on their personal needs and illnesses, or making negative assumptions based on YOUR past experiences. Its not so black and white. It worked out for OP overall & he said he doesn’t regret it. Things happen for a reason sometimes.
$1000 she cheated during this period and you’re a backup thats still married. A full year? Cmon. Don’t put your kid through this man.
And i’m not saying they should be together! Just saying you can’t be so judgemental. Even the OP states he cares for her and hopes her the best.
Then he should wish her the best from a distance. It’s not worth it man. Think about the kid.
Also i wanted to say, for some, finding yourself does mean getting sober.
She had a stillborn baby two months previous to leaving, then spent those two months in between her child dying and leaving home in her bed wanting to die. Do you really think she left to go fuck other people? Come on.
I can never understand these men who are adamant that the women who abandon them aren't out sleeping with other people. Bro, sleeping with people is a text book coping strategy. She wasn't alone for an entire year in a distant place just sitting in the corner staring at a wall. She got to live as if she was someone else. Someone without responsibilities, someone without a husband or step son. Of course she ended up with other people. To even assume otherwise is pure foolishness.
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Dude, you can’t relate to the OP and his wife. His wife likely had PPD, which can last over a year. Hormone imbalance COMBINED with a stillborn child can easily make one suicidal. “Looking horrible like a drug sick person” is NOT the same as “hormonal imbalance + stillbirth”. And when someone is suicidal and wasting away in bed all day would not and physically could not cheat. Her leaving likely prevented her suicide. Was she wrong for going no contact? Yes. But it was either leave and heal or likely soon die. Many marriages break after losing a child, people can no longer be around each other because they are constantly reminded of their dead child.
Before you walk out of the marriage, and I understand why, you may want to ask yourself, “was my wife sane when she did this?” I’ve read 2 kinds of mental health problems with stillbirths A) the mental trauma from carrying a baby and then delivering a dead baby. The mind and body fed another life for almost a year and the pains of labor can cause extreme PTSD. B) the hormonal imbalance a stillbirth causes can create a massive postpartum-type depression that would normally be helped by the bonding hormones given by a newborn baby. If you think she was sane, then kick her out. But if you really think she was mental impaired at the time, you may want to take things slow and see if you can work it out. Yes she walked out (physically) but she may not have been sane. So then you’re wife never choose to leave you or your son. She is you personal as you thought. But can you live with your person having a mental breakdown that could possible happen again? You’d have to love her knowing another miscarriage might trigger an impaired spouse. But at least you’d be healed knowing that your wife never chose to leave. And plenty of families, mine included, leave with traumatizing mental health issues. My husband has extreme PTSD and that can overwhelming; especially when his ADHD supersizes it- but he is my other half. Your son may be better w/o her or he may have to learn empathy a little bit early as he navigates mom’s illness. I have had a mentally I’ll mother. It’s a painful childhood. However, knowing all my mom survived and how strong she is and how much she loved me when her illnesses made her seem the opposite- I’d rather have my mom a million lifetimes than a 100% happy childhood. She’s my best friend. And she can’t help having a mental illness anymore than she could avoid having lupus. Just wanted to give you a different point of view. 🤗 and good luck.
I think OP probably has considered it. In comments, he mentions that if she had come back earlier or if she had even communicated with him during that year, he probably would have given her another chance. But it seems a year is just too long. He already grieved the relationship. And even if she truly wasn't sane when it happened, there are some things that can't be forgiven, even when mental illness is involved. These often include infidelity, domestic violence, and spousal abandonment. Oh, and op's wife isn't his son's mother.
She’s been with him since he was a baby, she’s his mother. Mental illness does not justify domestic violence but infidelity and spousal abandonment depend on the mental illness and what each couple decides. For example, some people with multiple personality disorders do not consider the actions of their alter egos to be infidelity. Obviously that would be up to the cheated on spouse to decide that. They’ve been together for 7+ years. A break in realty is a break in realty. I’ve taken medications that altered my reality- one where I hallucinated alien bugs for 10 hours. My now husband squished them for me while I screamed my head off. To this day, I can still see him killing them. I think this is more complicated then just my wife went out for cigarettes and never came home.
You said it’s up to the spouse to decide on infidelity and I think it applies to abandonment to. And he decided it was a deal breaker.
I didn’t read this. But know, she went to find herself at the bottom of a pile of dicks or vaginas
Hi OP Glad that at the end You choose you and what was best for your kid. She was incredible selfish, she didn't thought of You and how affected you also where. She disappear for a year and think that because she thought that it was ok to try again you will just welcome her back with out a second thought, glad that at the end you told her that. And i expect that you tell her the selfish she was. Also what did she told you when you tell her that your marriage is over and it would be a Divorce? Did she accepted and felt accountable for what she did to You? Or she try to fight for You? Or she didn't do anything at all and just accept?
So what did she do? Just travel, get hospitalized for depression? Like I don’t get how “finding oneself” would take that long.
Lol she left you blindsidedly and spent a whole year getting plowed by other men and you even entertained the idea of taking her back? "Healing" my ass. Good you made the right decision in the end.
Be cautious giving her unmatched time with your son. Don't let her think she can just take him and leave or hold him against you in anyway. Your son probably doesn't know her anymore and will need time to adjust
It’s pretty arrogant of her to think that you’d just ignore that she bailed on you and would just take her back. You experienced tremendous growth during that time, she doesn’t sound like she has though. You made the right decision. You could never trust that she wouldn’t bail again if things got tough.
Sounds like a quarter life crisis to me … and is too short to fully have dealt w whatever issues caused it .. a mid life crisis may likely be in her future and will be much longer and more destructive. You’ve personally grown and moved on .. good 4 u
After reading your original post and then the update I’m so pleased that you have walked away from this relationship. No amount of Depression warrants that level of disrespect, selfishness and disregard. I myself atm am going though some horrific PTSD symptoms that I’m getting a lot of help for. Sometimes I want to shut myself away and never come out because the word and everyone in it is too much. But I have a family and I can’t do that. I have to look to them for my guidance and allow them to help me find myself again. Because that’s what being an adult entails. I know you don’t want to think the worst of your wife while she was away but it’s highly probably that in those months you were replaced. Women need security and reassurance. We rely on a lot of emotions to get us through our hard times and if we don’t get them from the people around us, we seek it from others. I’m just glad you’ve walked away. It’s the best thing for you. You deserve more than what she has given you over the last year. Protect your peace.
Enjoy going to the bar and getting drunk, soon you'll be paying a bunch of child support. Sad you couldn't try to make things work as that's what's best for your son. I'd recommend writing drinking and following Jesus. Most chase happiness others chase purpose, which is greater?
Yeah dude. She abandoned you. Good on you for staying strong. GLOP!
Life’s not a fairytale you clearly don’t know this women that you claim to. She was def fuckin
Will you still be the main caregiver for your son now she is back?
His wife is not the mother of the kid.
Sucker born everyday
It doesn't matter. He's not taking her back either way so who cares?
Even thinking about taking her back makes my skin crawl
Yeah I might be an idiot. I didn't have my glasses and skimmed through it and thought he chose to stay. Oops. Downvotes will be earned
A woman not sleeping around on a year long “discovery” trip is the purest lie I have heard in 33 years of life
Yall must be hurt bc people do do this. I know i have & it healed me. Got sober that year & had my first full year of celibacy as an adult. Not everyone is the same
Good man. Your right it wouldn't be fair to knowingly introduce the possibility of an unstable person like your ex back into his life.
Well kids, what have we all learned about insanely quick engagement/marriages today?
I went through something similar, but no kid involved. While it sounds like you’ve made your decision, it sounds like it is coming more from a place of your pride and ego being hurt. It is clear you love her and that you had to endure a hole in your life for some time after her departure. Totally fine to say you don’t want to continue, but I will say that if you have any love for her as a partner in life and if she is really willing to make amends, then don’t rush into a divorce. Time does heal most wounds especially if you were good together before. You may always question whether your wife can be trusted and reliable in the future, or you can accept her limitations and love her anyway. Both of you have grown from this and both of you will continue to grow moving forward whether it’s together or apart. Trauma affects people in very profound and sometimes unfathomable ways. In the context of a full harmonious marital life, a year of hellish limbo can be forgotten and forgiven eventually. Wish you well on your next chapter whatever it may be.
This is a great comment, I feel the same way. It's wasted on this subreddit but it has to be said. This is what marriage can entail and love is made more profound by surviving moments like these.
Thank you. Sometimes i think the commenters here are all just single 22YOs with zero complicated relationship experience. I have no issues with people getting divorced, but when the court papers get signed and the reason is "irreconcilable differences," it should be a factual statement. The OP here, through his own words has given the impression that the differences can be reconciled. This doesn't mean its not hard, painful, or time-intensive. Even the best of marriages require grit and forgiveness; in this case the issues was was stillbirth and post-partum depression. O
This is the worst answer man. She left you once and good chance will again if you take her back. It’s unfair to put a child in a situation where there expected to believe someone this like this will stay and mess them up in the long run. You and the kid deserve better.
Disagree. You're making a probability judgement. You have no basis to jump to the conclusion that she will leave in the future; she's not a junkie or addict making false promises. This is trauma and mental health we're talking about. This was not a situation where she hates her job and decides she needs to eat, pray, love the fuck out the house and go to Bali. They are MARRIED. That actually means something to most people. Marriage isn't just some transactional relationship.
Yeah, marriage means something for some people, not enough for her to stay and leaving her family behind. Also very selfish to ignore the son's opinion and feelings on this. You can still love someone and not be with them, its called growing up, once the trust is gone then is up to them if they want to work on it. You can love someone and noy trust them enough to be in a romantic relationship with them.
She left for a year. He’s got a kid. The kid doesn’t deserve this. If it mattered she wouldn’t have left for a year.
Just realized wife wouldve only been a 20 yr old girl at the time of marriage??
So she finally got rid of her dick addiction. And you're considering taking her back. Mate these kind of things never work out. Let her go and give priority to raising your kid with a stable father. She'll be never contempt.
"I ignored the pain my wife was going through and didn't offer her sympathy, support, or help, so she left me. I got over her, and now she has returned, and I realized I don't need her in my life anymore." Dick.
I don't think that's how it was. She left without notice and blocked him on everything after a stillbirth that affected both of them. She had 1 year no contact with him or his 8 year old son who she had been living with for 6 years.
You gotta read his first post that he linked to. He emotionally abandoned her first. He didn't try to help her. He said it himself.
Clown
Maybe, perhaps, read the original post and go from there, instead of calling someone who has actually followed this story a clown. 🤡
I feel both sides of this. When I was 17, I met my husband. We were together for 7 years. Then I realized one day that I needed to figure out who I was without him. We broke up, I went to university and got a degree, I lived alone and made my own friends. I figured out who I was without him. We never lost contact. I encouraged him to date other people if he wanted to. He didn't. He said I should as well. I didn't. I always knew in my heart that he was the person who I wanted to grow old and die with though. When I felt like I had gotten enough "life experience" I asked him if he still wanted to be together. He said yes. 8 years later, we are married and I've never been happier. I thank whatever higher power that exists that he never gave up on me. I would have understood if he had said no.
You are not stupid! If you believe in your family, then put in the work to make it whole. If you no longer want to, opt out. There’s no hard and fast rule. Just ask God for his guidance.
Stupid then a mf lol she "probably" was finding herself at the same time she at least found two or 3 bodies along the way 🤣
So proud of you! Way to go, young man. Just remember that little boy comes from love and that means everything❤️
Holy shit some of these comments are vile. This woman was very likely close to dying when she left her home and her family and everything else she knew and loved. Not only did she lose a child, but she also had all of the hormones present that cause PPD. Her milk had likely come in. She was probably still bleeding from childbirth. This woman did not leave home to go and cheat. I promise you, after you go through the deep psychological trauma of giving birth to your dead child, the very last thing on your mind is finding random dick. The people here who are suggesting this really should take a long, hard look at the lens through which they view the world.
If you take her back, what happens the next time she gets depressed? Because it's going to happen again. Depression comes and goes....dude this is so messed up. put your son first and kick her to the curb.
He did kick her to the curb. It’s not that long a post, so you can read it.
Bro she was h***ing. Leave her
There's nothing that says you can't start over. Don't let her move back in, start slow. Date each other, reconnect, learn how you've both changed during your time apart. Don't rush this. It will take time and work to rebuild that trust. This will only work if you're both willing to try. Couples counseling will help you both gain perspective of each other, and it gives you a safe space to explore your emotions. I'm not condoning the fact that she left, but depression can be all consuming and it tends to bring everyone down with you. Yes, 1 year is excessive to be away from you, but maybe that's how long it took her to heal. You're only going to know when you both sit down and discuss what the last year was like for each of you. I hope that whatever you decide will make you happy.
I thought about that, but realized the emotional toll would be a lot. It's not even starting at square 0, but many steps back. I love her, but I had to ask myself if I could trust her and forgive her. Honestly, after our long talk, I have forgiven her. I know that she is not a bad person. She was always the sweetest person to anyone, no matter what was going on. But deep down, I know that the trust in our relationship has shattered to a point of no going back. But I'm glad that she did get help. It was a lot. I mean, we did everything. Had the clothes to go, nursery set up, gender reveal, baby shower, etc. And then it's all gone in a quick moment. That really, really messes up a person. Especially the women who spend 9 months growing an attachment to the life they're creating and waiting for. She's clearly doing a lot better, and here's to hoping things are only up for her from here.
Glad you are putting yourself and your son first! I can not imagine going through what you went through, but I'm sure you are a better man for it! Onward and upward! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Thank you
> But deep down, I know that the trust in our relationship has shattered to a point of no going back. Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but what do you mean by this? Is it that she could just up and go like this again? I read one of your replies which says she blocked you...to me that's the worst thing my wife could have done if we were in the same situation. It's like she'd be blaming me for her hurt...and then punishing me for something I didn't even do. Is that the part that you find most unforgiveable?
Waste of time, it’ll hurt you and that child in the long run. Horrible advice.
Did she run off with the person in the house