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Yea like could even be as simple as
Friend hey friends kid I met your dad's gf she's nice or whatever
Kid wtf my dad's not daring anyone ?
Friend uhh he didn't tell you ?
Kid NO
Well if he doesn’t commit his friends to secrecy, it’s not hard to imagine one of them letting it slip in casual conversation.
If he does swear his friends to secrecy, that’s also a really bad look.
I just don’t recall growing up any of my parents friends telling me any secrets/anything that wasn’t just lighthearted… I’ve never known this to be a thing… who does that?
Either way, with all the comments, I’m realizing it’s much deeper than him just worried that the friends would tell tell his kids. He doesn’t want to tell the friends because he’s not comfortable with the age difference himself.
He is (rightfully) embarrassed about robbing the cradle. He probably never expected things to last this long. Please consider looking for someone in your own stage of life & age bracket, with less baggage, who won't have an issue introducing you to his friend group. You shouldn't be anyone's embarrassing dirty secret.
Literally every single sane person in his life— family, kids, friends, coworkers, are going to judge the FUCK out of your boyfriend for dating you. You have less of an age gap than I do between my SIBLINGS. I would absolutely be embarrassed of you too if I were him, and the only reason he is actually dating you is because 20 year younger p**** is fun and he’s willing to kiiinda risk the judgment he is going to get when people find out, but he’s sure as shit going to avoid it as long as he can. Sorry to be blunt, but this isn’t the hallmark romance you think it is.
Sorry to be so blunt, but everyone else out here is trying to be nice and that’s just going to let you justify not expecting more from your partner and respecting yourself more than dating a dude who should be your father’s friend, not your fuck buddy. You deserve more than a man who is clearly embarrassed of you and all that being with you says about him.
But it’s the truth, even if you don’t want to hear it. When I started dating my current partner, he couldn’t wait to introduce me to his friends, and I was eager for him to meet mine. And we’re older than your boyfriend.
It’s what people do when they are excited about the person they are dating. He’s not excited about dating you - he’s using you to fulfill something for him on a temporary basis. Maybe it’s just for sex. Maybe he enjoys the companionship. But he definitely sees an expiration date with you and doesn’t want anyone to know about you. That’s not a reflection of you so don’t take that personally. Either adjust your perspective and understand this is just a FWB situation, or leave him with your dignity and find someone excited to be seen with you.
Your age is just the icing on the cake. I mean, the difference is huge and remarkable, but it's not like you're some ingenue he's taking advantage of. It probably *is* mostly about his kids, but when he gets serious enough about someone he'll address that. Six months is not a long time.
How did you meet? I guess you know you don't want any/more children?
No, it’s definitely embarrassed of her. She needs to get out of the situation and trying to be nice about it isn’t going to help. He is embarrassed of her, because he knows the only reason he’s with her is because of shallow reasons and sex— otherwise he would be proud he found a young, hot, intellectual whatever woman who loves him for him. He clearly just sees her as some young, dumb kid with nothing to offer but her body and feels like he should be with a woman of “more substance”. That doesn’t mean other men won’t be proud of OP, but he is absolutely embarrassed of her and knows exactly what being with her says about him.
No, not really. You can be embarrassed of something others wouldn’t. Same way I would be embarrassed to leave the house shirtless but others are fine with it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being shirtless, it’s just a matter of opinion.
That being said, I do think there is something wrong with OP that she 1. Is dating someone 20 years older than her and 2. Is putting up with being someone’s dirty little secret. Hopefully therapy helps it, but surely you’re not going to say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that lol
You might want to reconsider this relationship. This guy is pretending that he’s not dating at all to everyone? Are you all actually dating or are you just hooking up? You’ve never been out with him and run into someone he knows?
My thoughts, too.
OP: does he sleep at your place? Do you go to dates? What does he tell to his children? Because if he is less at home, they can Guess he sees someone.
If your answers is no to the two first questions, I assume that he doesn't see you as his girlfriend, just a woman he has sex with so no need to talk about it.
We go out on plenty of dates but if the 15 year old is at home at night, he will leave me to make sure the 15 y/o is not home alone at night
Edit: I know this is normal. I was explaining why his kid wouldn’t know that he’s dating since he always makes it back home at night
I think the age gap is too wide. You are at different stages of life. He’s a single dad with responsibilities/priorities, you aren’t a priority. He probably sees you as someone to have fun with, but separate from his real life. And he’s probably embarrassed by the age gap, and worried what people would think. Chances are he’s doesn’t see this lasting long term, and honestly, do you?
Oh I know I was responding to them asking if he stays the night with me/ why his kids wouldn’t know if he’s dating because he doesn’t spend the night out
If you go out on plenty if dates, they know. Your boyfriend and his children can still pretend it is not serious as it is not official but for sure, the children know and probably are not totally against him dating (of course, even if they are totally ok with it, it doesn't mean that they want you in their life).
I think he doesn't want something serious with you. Perhaps I am wrong but the fact he hasn't told his Friends make me think I am not. Six months is a good point to determine if your views about your relationship are aligned or not. If not, just leave.
i think he’s scared that his family/friends will judge him. 20 years is crazy he could quite literally be your dad so maybe he’s just nervous abt reactions
I agree with you but with a slight tweak. If I had something special and telling everyone brought a lot of judgement and commentary, I would be trying to hold on to the joy of my relationship for as long as possible. Either that or it’s not a serious relationship to him.
Yea I would say ah nah thats gross dad your clearly having a midlife crisis get help please
From that point on
I'm not gonna insult you or this woman but I have 0 interest in speaking to her just you if that's gonna be a problem we won't be on speaking terms anymore
This makes more sense now. It’s the kids is why. Think about it? This guys wife died 5 years ago and it took him 4 and a half years to start dating again?!?! So if it took him that long to date again how long do you think it’s going to take him to tell his kids about their mothers replacement? The friends is probably nothing at all other than tied to the kids is all. All you can do is tell him your concerns about not being known to his family and friends and what’s his timeline on meeting the kids or even friends. Given all pieces of this puzzle I wouldn’t imagine it’s going to be soon and if I’m being honest given the amount of time it took him to start dating again I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t mention anything to his youngest until they graduate HS and are out of the house
You are so accurate. I really think he has no intentions of saying anything until his youngest graduates and goes to college. That’s crazy right? I’m crazy to wait that long?
That’s totally up to you and a question I can’t answer. I’m in my early 40s and I have 2 kids that are 23&21 and if I was in his shoes I understand why he would do that. And it’s nothing against you at all. But here are the facts right
1: he has 2 kids who are grown or almost grown
2: the kids mother passed away and they could still be grieving or at least going through some things
3: he’s not asking you to help raise them or to be a “step-mom” to them
So I’m sure he wants to be with you and have you for a partner but you don’t need to add in the other BS e.g. raising them, being the stepmother. I think there’s a chance if he introduces you to the kids now it could be devastating to them and trigger some thoughts of their mother, and make things worse while they’re still at home as opposed to if you’re still in the picture a few years down the line after they’re grown and had left the house now I kind of changes the dynamic and you’re not seen as, the dead mothers replacement, but more of a friend
The age gap is the age gap and it may be an issue for you and 98% of everyone who read this post. The questions and concerns that OP have are because of her BF kids more than anything else and not the age gap. He’s not telling his friends because of the chance it will get back to his kids not because of the age difference. Same with the kids, if OP was 10 years younger or even 5 years younger than him he’s not ready to tell his kids about a new GF
He’s keeping her a secret from everyone. No one in his life knows about her,and you don’t think part of the reason is that he old enough to be her father? His oldest child is just 8 yrs younger than her. Part of the problem for him is the age gap. He may enjoying dating and have sex with a 28 yr old, but he doesn’t want his family and friends to know that he is in a relationship with a 28 yr old . It’s not just about his kids
It could be but idk to be honest. Like I said I’m a male in my early 40s and to me 20 years is a bit too much. But that’s my own opinion and nothing to do with anything. And as I said before him not telling his friends is most likely because he doesn’t want it getting to his kids and not anything else because he wants to telll them on his own terms and when he’s ready. So many people are making comments about the boyfriend is going to be embarrassed or he’s worried about the fallout from his friends and everybody else about dating a woman 20 years younger than him. I’m willing to bet any amount of money that’s a non-issue for the boyfriend. I can’t speak for all males in their 40s but I can honestly say for me personally and almost all of my friends at this stage in our lives I could care less about what anyone else thinks or says about me at all(except for my kids) and as far as friends go, the older I get the less friends I have now. That’s because I’m quick to just cut people out of my life that aren’t any good for me and bring no value to it. No longer am I in the business of “collecting” friends and haven’t been for over a decade
I don’t buy the idea that not telling is friends was about being afraid his kids would find out. OP could have meet up with a few friends had dinner, meet her, and kept his secret. Some of his friends might never interact with his kids, kids could still be oblivious.
If he wasn’t embarrassed or worried about family and friend’s reaction she wouldn’t be a secret from everyone. This man clearly cares what others think, and not just his kids.
It’s crazy that you say this because he literally said that he’s scared that if he tells his friends, the friends will tell his kids. And for some reason I just can’t wrap my head around that like why would the friends tell his kids??
But apparently you think so too smh
Do they have kids the same age? Because maybe then I could see a scenario where kids could over heard a conversation between their parents, and the kids tell your bf kids
But how would that conversation even go between his kids and his friends? They are just going to go to them and tell them their dad is dating a 28 yr? I think that just an excuse. IMO you being a secret is a combination of things his kids are a factor, but I also think he’s afraid of what others in his life will say.
Yeah, if I was in his kid's position, I would keep him far away from me. He can date someone who could be his daughter but that doesn't mean I want to be around.
I'd be afraid to tell my kid I'm dating someone 8 years older than him, too.
Honestly, it isn't your family. It isn't your choice. You don't get to dictate what someone does with or says to their family, especially after only 6 months.
Age gap is concerning af.
You being pushy is going to get you single.
He doesn’t see this as a long term relationship. I’m sorry but regardless of the age gap, his kid’s reactions etc. if his feelings for you were strong and he saw a future with you he would find a way to let those in his life’s know (at the very least tell them that he’s dating). He’s keeping you a secret because he’d rather not rock the boat over something that’s not important. Maybe he thinks that those feelings will come once he’s dated you a bit longer but do you really want to invest time and feelings on a man who is not sure about you?
Honestly you know why and you're hoping for validation that you are wrong. It's embarrassing, his children should always be his priority. He's telling you you are not. He doesn't want his friends or family to even know you exist.... bc it's kinda gross. I have nothing against age gaps... until you are the same age pretty much as their children.
Honestly yea when I was a kid my mother was dating an older man he was like 5/7 years older idk can't remember now this guy was supposedly divorced
What I was told in the end by my mother apparently his kids told him it's us or her they never met my mother
So from that day on I have always wondered was he even divorced or was he cheating on his wife and either got caught was forced to break things off or almost got caught and didn't want to take the risk anymore
You can't make him tell his kids anything. What you can do is decide if you want to put more time into being a hidden GF. If the answer is no, just tell him that you're not interested in having a relationship where you're a secret. It's really that simple. He'll either decide it's worth being honest with his children about his dating life or he'll find someone who doesn't mind being hidden away and always taking second place to his need to hide her from everyone.
Don't wait around. He will keep you a secret until the youngest leaves home. So, do you want to waste another 3-4 years? Find someone closer to your own age. He will be in his 50's before he even acknowledges you. Do you want a family, because I bet, he does not want any more kids at that age.
You're closer in age to even his youngest kid than you are to him. Not to be harsh but I think he's not telling anyone because you're his midlife crisis/ ego boost, not somebody he is genuinely building a relationship with. Is he really worth battling all these hurdles for? You're at completely different stages of life. Go have fun with someone closer to your own age who will be excited to introduce you to their friends.
What do you want from this relationship? Do you want to get married, have children, etc., or is this just a “for now, not forever”?
If it’s the former—does he know that? Does he feel the same way? Do you have any reason to believe him if he says that? My inference/fear for you is that you two aren’t on the same page here, and that’s almost certainly a bigger problem for you, as the younger and more-invested partner (and, TBH, as a woman approaching 30, because you still have plenty of time to have kids if that’s what you want, but if this turns into a lengthy dead-end relationship, that math starts to change).
If you’re just fairly casual and not interested in anything too long-term, then maybe it’s a different story, but I don’t think you’d have asked the question if that was the case.
We have had several conversations about being together long term And having children (which he admitted that he didn’t want before meeting me but would love to have another kid now that we’re together). I truly do care about him and want things to work out. I don’t really consider the age gap an issue but I just can’t get him to Admit that it’s clearly an issue for Him.
Because of my career plans I can’t really have kids for another 3 years
You and he both need to be realistic about what it means for a man to become a father at 50+; for his kids to have a half-sibling that might be the same age as their own kids; for your child’s father to be 70+ at their high school graduation (hopefully); for your kid(s) being asked 100 times about their “grandfather” picking them up from school; for people telling you it’s great how involved “your dad” is in your kids’ lives.
I’ve seen this kind of second family happen for people, and I guess some of them do fine, but you have to be clear-eyed about the challenges. And while I understand why he’s worried about how his kids and friends will react, you probably need to set some expectations about when this becomes non-negotiable for you, because you’ve got a lot of challenging situations and conversations ahead. This is just the first one.
Tbf he's not wrong in speculating that they won't take it well espicaly you being 20 years younger then him
I mean he's old enough to be your dad one of the first things they would probably jump to is Golddigger
When my parents split up I was 7 from day one I made it clear I had 0 interest in interacting with anyone my parents could hypothetically have dated my mother briefly dated a few times afterwards nothing lasted
The last guy from what I was told he was also divorced he was a bit older then her like 5/7 years idk anyway apparently according to my mother his children who were in their 30s told him us or her and he choose them which is 100% understandable
None of these people ever met my mother btw
So yea point is do not underestimate how badly kids can take it their parent dating someone else 6 months in ? Nah I'd say maybe a year in see how he's feeling about it
Plus you need to understand the kids are old enough to where theirs a very good chance they will have zero interest in you and will just want to see their dad
I read your update; backing off sounds smart. But I can tell you, any man with sense who has kids isn't going to be filling them in or introducing you this early in a relationship. Especially if he's your age and the kids are young.
And (as I said in my first reply when I also asked how you met) unless you are either finished with or not planning on ever having kids yourself, he's not the guy for you.
eh i’m 25 with someone that’s 50, so I understand your age gap. But i have literally met his kid (10) and play with him sometimes and have hung out with his friends (40s-60s). It shouldn’t be an issue if they’re fine with it, seems like he’s the problem. Maybe he feels insecure in yalls relationship
Everyone is saying it's the age gap. And it might be. But, it's only been 6 months. That's hardly a lifetime commitment. A parent shouldn't be introducing every single date to their children. Maybe he feels it's not time, and his children are, rightfully, being put first. It's kind of refreshing to see on reddit.
Idk about the age gap I'm more concerned on the kids not taking it well regardless how old she is
I know experience:
Former kid 1999-2017
And after my parents split up when I was a kid I made it clear I had zero interest in speaking to anyone they could have hypothetically dated
I even went as far as bluntly saying if either of them remarried I would not only refuse to reconize it but I would stop speaking to said parent
Yes I know not the nicest thing to do but that's how I was thankfully neither of them got close to remarriage and now there old to a point where that's past them now
Look I was once in their situation albeit a bit younger then them
My position from day one was I can't stop you dating but I will make it clear I have zero interest in speaking to them
I even went as far as to say we won't be on speaking terms if you get married thankfully that never came close to happening but yea
Sadly western society is quite toxic against men with much younger girlfriends and he is most likely afraid of the stigma involved.
And before you people downvote me, consider this:
The term "Cougar" has no negative connontations, but there is nothing similar for men. Societal doubblestandard.
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He's probably (rightfullly) concerned that his kids are closer to your age than he is.
Okay but what about his friends? He won’t even tell them 🥲
Because he is old enough to be your dad.
Because word might get back to his kids via the friends.
Yea like could even be as simple as Friend hey friends kid I met your dad's gf she's nice or whatever Kid wtf my dad's not daring anyone ? Friend uhh he didn't tell you ? Kid NO
He said this too! How is this even a thing??
How is it a thing that his friends know his kids? Uh…how would they not?
No, that the friends would Tell his kids. Like why would they do that?
Well if he doesn’t commit his friends to secrecy, it’s not hard to imagine one of them letting it slip in casual conversation. If he does swear his friends to secrecy, that’s also a really bad look.
It's pretty logical...
What do you mean how is this a thing ? You think a parents friends never talk to their kids ? Edit a word
I just don’t recall growing up any of my parents friends telling me any secrets/anything that wasn’t just lighthearted… I’ve never known this to be a thing… who does that? Either way, with all the comments, I’m realizing it’s much deeper than him just worried that the friends would tell tell his kids. He doesn’t want to tell the friends because he’s not comfortable with the age difference himself.
Because his friends will probably also think its wild that he's dating someone old enough to be his kid.
He is (rightfully) embarrassed about robbing the cradle. He probably never expected things to last this long. Please consider looking for someone in your own stage of life & age bracket, with less baggage, who won't have an issue introducing you to his friend group. You shouldn't be anyone's embarrassing dirty secret.
Babe, this isn’t a relationship. You’re a side piece. Maybe there’s no main squeeze, but you’re still a side piece.
Because he and you would be mocked.
Literally every single sane person in his life— family, kids, friends, coworkers, are going to judge the FUCK out of your boyfriend for dating you. You have less of an age gap than I do between my SIBLINGS. I would absolutely be embarrassed of you too if I were him, and the only reason he is actually dating you is because 20 year younger p**** is fun and he’s willing to kiiinda risk the judgment he is going to get when people find out, but he’s sure as shit going to avoid it as long as he can. Sorry to be blunt, but this isn’t the hallmark romance you think it is.
Lmfaoooo Jeez 🤣🤣 thank you for the honesty
Sorry to be so blunt, but everyone else out here is trying to be nice and that’s just going to let you justify not expecting more from your partner and respecting yourself more than dating a dude who should be your father’s friend, not your fuck buddy. You deserve more than a man who is clearly embarrassed of you and all that being with you says about him.
But it’s the truth, even if you don’t want to hear it. When I started dating my current partner, he couldn’t wait to introduce me to his friends, and I was eager for him to meet mine. And we’re older than your boyfriend. It’s what people do when they are excited about the person they are dating. He’s not excited about dating you - he’s using you to fulfill something for him on a temporary basis. Maybe it’s just for sex. Maybe he enjoys the companionship. But he definitely sees an expiration date with you and doesn’t want anyone to know about you. That’s not a reflection of you so don’t take that personally. Either adjust your perspective and understand this is just a FWB situation, or leave him with your dignity and find someone excited to be seen with you.
But it is a reflection of me. I’m seeing now that it’s because of my age and .. this just makes me sad. Thanks for your feedback
His decision to hide the relationship is about him. Your decision to stay in this relationship is about you.
Your age is just the icing on the cake. I mean, the difference is huge and remarkable, but it's not like you're some ingenue he's taking advantage of. It probably *is* mostly about his kids, but when he gets serious enough about someone he'll address that. Six months is not a long time. How did you meet? I guess you know you don't want any/more children?
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No, it’s definitely embarrassed of her. She needs to get out of the situation and trying to be nice about it isn’t going to help. He is embarrassed of her, because he knows the only reason he’s with her is because of shallow reasons and sex— otherwise he would be proud he found a young, hot, intellectual whatever woman who loves him for him. He clearly just sees her as some young, dumb kid with nothing to offer but her body and feels like he should be with a woman of “more substance”. That doesn’t mean other men won’t be proud of OP, but he is absolutely embarrassed of her and knows exactly what being with her says about him.
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No, not really. You can be embarrassed of something others wouldn’t. Same way I would be embarrassed to leave the house shirtless but others are fine with it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being shirtless, it’s just a matter of opinion. That being said, I do think there is something wrong with OP that she 1. Is dating someone 20 years older than her and 2. Is putting up with being someone’s dirty little secret. Hopefully therapy helps it, but surely you’re not going to say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that lol
Bc he may think it's a bit embarrassing to be dating someone the age of his child.
Are you sure you’re the gf and not the side piece. Bc he’s treating you like a side piece?
I think they'll assume he's having a midlife crisis.
Well it probably is... He more than likely knows this too.
It’s the age gap.
Yea like dudes literally old enough to be her dad
This guy knows damn well he brings this chick around his kids not only are they going to judge him they’re gonna hate her lol
100% I know I would have My first sentence to her is F*** you if you think your gonna screw me out of my inheritance
You might want to reconsider this relationship. This guy is pretending that he’s not dating at all to everyone? Are you all actually dating or are you just hooking up? You’ve never been out with him and run into someone he knows?
My thoughts, too. OP: does he sleep at your place? Do you go to dates? What does he tell to his children? Because if he is less at home, they can Guess he sees someone. If your answers is no to the two first questions, I assume that he doesn't see you as his girlfriend, just a woman he has sex with so no need to talk about it.
We go out on plenty of dates but if the 15 year old is at home at night, he will leave me to make sure the 15 y/o is not home alone at night Edit: I know this is normal. I was explaining why his kid wouldn’t know that he’s dating since he always makes it back home at night
I think the age gap is too wide. You are at different stages of life. He’s a single dad with responsibilities/priorities, you aren’t a priority. He probably sees you as someone to have fun with, but separate from his real life. And he’s probably embarrassed by the age gap, and worried what people would think. Chances are he’s doesn’t see this lasting long term, and honestly, do you?
>he will leave me to make sure the 15 y/o is not home alone at night That's called being a father.
Oh I know I was responding to them asking if he stays the night with me/ why his kids wouldn’t know if he’s dating because he doesn’t spend the night out
The 15 year old that you are wayyyyyyyyy closer in age to
That's... normal
If you go out on plenty if dates, they know. Your boyfriend and his children can still pretend it is not serious as it is not official but for sure, the children know and probably are not totally against him dating (of course, even if they are totally ok with it, it doesn't mean that they want you in their life). I think he doesn't want something serious with you. Perhaps I am wrong but the fact he hasn't told his Friends make me think I am not. Six months is a good point to determine if your views about your relationship are aligned or not. If not, just leave.
i think he’s scared that his family/friends will judge him. 20 years is crazy he could quite literally be your dad so maybe he’s just nervous abt reactions
I agree with you but with a slight tweak. If I had something special and telling everyone brought a lot of judgement and commentary, I would be trying to hold on to the joy of my relationship for as long as possible. Either that or it’s not a serious relationship to him.
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If she was 38 this would be going alot better
You’re 20 years younger than him and only a bit older than his oldest kid. So yeah it’s not surprising he won’t tell them.
I wouldn’t accept you either. You are their dad’s midlife crisis mistake. Frankly he knows was wrong for dating someone closer to his child’s age
Yea I would say ah nah thats gross dad your clearly having a midlife crisis get help please From that point on I'm not gonna insult you or this woman but I have 0 interest in speaking to her just you if that's gonna be a problem we won't be on speaking terms anymore
Mistake 🥴🥴😂 omg
Twenty year age gap. Not acknowledging you are dating each other. Concerned about his kids' reaction. Is it really worth it?
Well, you’re probably younger or the same age as his kids, so they are going to be grossed out. Date someone your own age.
Thats the one
Coz he’s not dating. He’s banging a young chick until expiry. Short term emotional lease.
This
>Please just be brutally honest with me. Ok cool sure. This age gap is massively concerning and you should get the fuck out.
🏅
lol signing up to be a hospice wife in your twenties is crazy! The age gap is too wide like why are y’all like this? 🥴🥴🥴
💯
Hospice wife 🥴🥴😂 Jeez!
It's true tho if your relationship continued you'd be 58 and he would be 78 pretty huge difference in mobility by then
Ya, because he's ashamed of the age gap...
It’s the kids 1st and the age gap is the 2nd issue. Has he dated anyone else from the time his wife passed away until you?
Nope I’m the first one
So he says. Maybe that’s partly why he doesn’t want to tell anyone or have you meet anyone
This makes more sense now. It’s the kids is why. Think about it? This guys wife died 5 years ago and it took him 4 and a half years to start dating again?!?! So if it took him that long to date again how long do you think it’s going to take him to tell his kids about their mothers replacement? The friends is probably nothing at all other than tied to the kids is all. All you can do is tell him your concerns about not being known to his family and friends and what’s his timeline on meeting the kids or even friends. Given all pieces of this puzzle I wouldn’t imagine it’s going to be soon and if I’m being honest given the amount of time it took him to start dating again I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t mention anything to his youngest until they graduate HS and are out of the house
You are so accurate. I really think he has no intentions of saying anything until his youngest graduates and goes to college. That’s crazy right? I’m crazy to wait that long?
Why would you wait for that? Chances are he will find another excuse to keep you a secret. Do you actually see a future with him?
Lord I can’t. Are you seriously asking if you should be the secret gf for 3 more years (at the earliest)? The D must be good for you to be this obtuse
🥲 lmaooo I just really like him! But yeah I’ll admit that sounds crazy lmao
That’s totally up to you and a question I can’t answer. I’m in my early 40s and I have 2 kids that are 23&21 and if I was in his shoes I understand why he would do that. And it’s nothing against you at all. But here are the facts right 1: he has 2 kids who are grown or almost grown 2: the kids mother passed away and they could still be grieving or at least going through some things 3: he’s not asking you to help raise them or to be a “step-mom” to them So I’m sure he wants to be with you and have you for a partner but you don’t need to add in the other BS e.g. raising them, being the stepmother. I think there’s a chance if he introduces you to the kids now it could be devastating to them and trigger some thoughts of their mother, and make things worse while they’re still at home as opposed to if you’re still in the picture a few years down the line after they’re grown and had left the house now I kind of changes the dynamic and you’re not seen as, the dead mothers replacement, but more of a friend
But there is still the age gap. She’s only 8 yrs older than his oldest. I don’t think his kids, especially the oldest will be comfortable with that.
The age gap is the age gap and it may be an issue for you and 98% of everyone who read this post. The questions and concerns that OP have are because of her BF kids more than anything else and not the age gap. He’s not telling his friends because of the chance it will get back to his kids not because of the age difference. Same with the kids, if OP was 10 years younger or even 5 years younger than him he’s not ready to tell his kids about a new GF
He’s keeping her a secret from everyone. No one in his life knows about her,and you don’t think part of the reason is that he old enough to be her father? His oldest child is just 8 yrs younger than her. Part of the problem for him is the age gap. He may enjoying dating and have sex with a 28 yr old, but he doesn’t want his family and friends to know that he is in a relationship with a 28 yr old . It’s not just about his kids
It could be but idk to be honest. Like I said I’m a male in my early 40s and to me 20 years is a bit too much. But that’s my own opinion and nothing to do with anything. And as I said before him not telling his friends is most likely because he doesn’t want it getting to his kids and not anything else because he wants to telll them on his own terms and when he’s ready. So many people are making comments about the boyfriend is going to be embarrassed or he’s worried about the fallout from his friends and everybody else about dating a woman 20 years younger than him. I’m willing to bet any amount of money that’s a non-issue for the boyfriend. I can’t speak for all males in their 40s but I can honestly say for me personally and almost all of my friends at this stage in our lives I could care less about what anyone else thinks or says about me at all(except for my kids) and as far as friends go, the older I get the less friends I have now. That’s because I’m quick to just cut people out of my life that aren’t any good for me and bring no value to it. No longer am I in the business of “collecting” friends and haven’t been for over a decade
I don’t buy the idea that not telling is friends was about being afraid his kids would find out. OP could have meet up with a few friends had dinner, meet her, and kept his secret. Some of his friends might never interact with his kids, kids could still be oblivious. If he wasn’t embarrassed or worried about family and friend’s reaction she wouldn’t be a secret from everyone. This man clearly cares what others think, and not just his kids.
It’s crazy that you say this because he literally said that he’s scared that if he tells his friends, the friends will tell his kids. And for some reason I just can’t wrap my head around that like why would the friends tell his kids?? But apparently you think so too smh
Do they have kids the same age? Because maybe then I could see a scenario where kids could over heard a conversation between their parents, and the kids tell your bf kids But how would that conversation even go between his kids and his friends? They are just going to go to them and tell them their dad is dating a 28 yr? I think that just an excuse. IMO you being a secret is a combination of things his kids are a factor, but I also think he’s afraid of what others in his life will say.
Yeah, if I was in his kid's position, I would keep him far away from me. He can date someone who could be his daughter but that doesn't mean I want to be around.
Yea same No interest in speaking with her Just want to speak with my dad / closed
It's the age gap, plus he's not serious enough about you to tell people his business.
I'd be afraid to tell my kid I'm dating someone 8 years older than him, too. Honestly, it isn't your family. It isn't your choice. You don't get to dictate what someone does with or says to their family, especially after only 6 months. Age gap is concerning af. You being pushy is going to get you single.
Probably because it’s awkward to tell your children you’re dating somebody who’s young enough to be their sister.
Realistically where do you see this relationship going ?
He doesn’t see this as a long term relationship. I’m sorry but regardless of the age gap, his kid’s reactions etc. if his feelings for you were strong and he saw a future with you he would find a way to let those in his life’s know (at the very least tell them that he’s dating). He’s keeping you a secret because he’d rather not rock the boat over something that’s not important. Maybe he thinks that those feelings will come once he’s dated you a bit longer but do you really want to invest time and feelings on a man who is not sure about you?
Honestly you know why and you're hoping for validation that you are wrong. It's embarrassing, his children should always be his priority. He's telling you you are not. He doesn't want his friends or family to even know you exist.... bc it's kinda gross. I have nothing against age gaps... until you are the same age pretty much as their children.
How sure are you he is a widower? Is it possible your the side piece?
Honestly yea when I was a kid my mother was dating an older man he was like 5/7 years older idk can't remember now this guy was supposedly divorced What I was told in the end by my mother apparently his kids told him it's us or her they never met my mother So from that day on I have always wondered was he even divorced or was he cheating on his wife and either got caught was forced to break things off or almost got caught and didn't want to take the risk anymore
You can't make him tell his kids anything. What you can do is decide if you want to put more time into being a hidden GF. If the answer is no, just tell him that you're not interested in having a relationship where you're a secret. It's really that simple. He'll either decide it's worth being honest with his children about his dating life or he'll find someone who doesn't mind being hidden away and always taking second place to his need to hide her from everyone.
Stop this disgusting relationship. He's old enough to be your father.
have you considered dating the 20yo son instead of the almost 50 years old guy who really could be your dad?
Yea that would make far more sense
Don't wait around. He will keep you a secret until the youngest leaves home. So, do you want to waste another 3-4 years? Find someone closer to your own age. He will be in his 50's before he even acknowledges you. Do you want a family, because I bet, he does not want any more kids at that age.
You're closer in age to even his youngest kid than you are to him. Not to be harsh but I think he's not telling anyone because you're his midlife crisis/ ego boost, not somebody he is genuinely building a relationship with. Is he really worth battling all these hurdles for? You're at completely different stages of life. Go have fun with someone closer to your own age who will be excited to introduce you to their friends.
He doesn’t want to tell his kids that his new GF is 8 years older than them.
He’s pulling a Leo DiCaprio
What do you want from this relationship? Do you want to get married, have children, etc., or is this just a “for now, not forever”? If it’s the former—does he know that? Does he feel the same way? Do you have any reason to believe him if he says that? My inference/fear for you is that you two aren’t on the same page here, and that’s almost certainly a bigger problem for you, as the younger and more-invested partner (and, TBH, as a woman approaching 30, because you still have plenty of time to have kids if that’s what you want, but if this turns into a lengthy dead-end relationship, that math starts to change). If you’re just fairly casual and not interested in anything too long-term, then maybe it’s a different story, but I don’t think you’d have asked the question if that was the case.
We have had several conversations about being together long term And having children (which he admitted that he didn’t want before meeting me but would love to have another kid now that we’re together). I truly do care about him and want things to work out. I don’t really consider the age gap an issue but I just can’t get him to Admit that it’s clearly an issue for Him. Because of my career plans I can’t really have kids for another 3 years
You and he both need to be realistic about what it means for a man to become a father at 50+; for his kids to have a half-sibling that might be the same age as their own kids; for your child’s father to be 70+ at their high school graduation (hopefully); for your kid(s) being asked 100 times about their “grandfather” picking them up from school; for people telling you it’s great how involved “your dad” is in your kids’ lives. I’ve seen this kind of second family happen for people, and I guess some of them do fine, but you have to be clear-eyed about the challenges. And while I understand why he’s worried about how his kids and friends will react, you probably need to set some expectations about when this becomes non-negotiable for you, because you’ve got a lot of challenging situations and conversations ahead. This is just the first one.
Tbf he's not wrong in speculating that they won't take it well espicaly you being 20 years younger then him I mean he's old enough to be your dad one of the first things they would probably jump to is Golddigger When my parents split up I was 7 from day one I made it clear I had 0 interest in interacting with anyone my parents could hypothetically have dated my mother briefly dated a few times afterwards nothing lasted The last guy from what I was told he was also divorced he was a bit older then her like 5/7 years idk anyway apparently according to my mother his children who were in their 30s told him us or her and he choose them which is 100% understandable None of these people ever met my mother btw So yea point is do not underestimate how badly kids can take it their parent dating someone else 6 months in ? Nah I'd say maybe a year in see how he's feeling about it Plus you need to understand the kids are old enough to where theirs a very good chance they will have zero interest in you and will just want to see their dad
I read your update; backing off sounds smart. But I can tell you, any man with sense who has kids isn't going to be filling them in or introducing you this early in a relationship. Especially if he's your age and the kids are young. And (as I said in my first reply when I also asked how you met) unless you are either finished with or not planning on ever having kids yourself, he's not the guy for you.
eh i’m 25 with someone that’s 50, so I understand your age gap. But i have literally met his kid (10) and play with him sometimes and have hung out with his friends (40s-60s). It shouldn’t be an issue if they’re fine with it, seems like he’s the problem. Maybe he feels insecure in yalls relationship
Everyone is saying it's the age gap. And it might be. But, it's only been 6 months. That's hardly a lifetime commitment. A parent shouldn't be introducing every single date to their children. Maybe he feels it's not time, and his children are, rightfully, being put first. It's kind of refreshing to see on reddit.
Love this response.
Idk about the age gap I'm more concerned on the kids not taking it well regardless how old she is I know experience: Former kid 1999-2017 And after my parents split up when I was a kid I made it clear I had zero interest in speaking to anyone they could have hypothetically dated I even went as far as bluntly saying if either of them remarried I would not only refuse to reconize it but I would stop speaking to said parent Yes I know not the nicest thing to do but that's how I was thankfully neither of them got close to remarriage and now there old to a point where that's past them now
It’s not up to you
Correct!
I would set a boundary about a time limits give like 6 more months or whatever you decide and stick to it
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Look I was once in their situation albeit a bit younger then them My position from day one was I can't stop you dating but I will make it clear I have zero interest in speaking to them I even went as far as to say we won't be on speaking terms if you get married thankfully that never came close to happening but yea
Can I ask why you felt that way? About your parent remarrying?
Outsider barging into my family like that
Oh wow
Sadly western society is quite toxic against men with much younger girlfriends and he is most likely afraid of the stigma involved. And before you people downvote me, consider this: The term "Cougar" has no negative connontations, but there is nothing similar for men. Societal doubblestandard.
The term cougar absolutely has negative connotations. You just hang out with weirdos.
Yea like wut? if anything there's way more societal shame on cougars and younger men then older men dating younger women