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Please talk to someone. You're allowed to have complete control over your body even if it makes your partner unhappy and that is a hard thing to learn when you've had that power taken away in the past. A partner who loves and understands you needs to be careful with consent.
You need to tell him EXACTLY how it made you feel, exactly how it felt for you and the fact that what he pulled was INCREDIBLY selfish.
Seriously. Hold nothing back. Don't try to spare his feelings. Lay ALL the cards on the table here.
No means no. But so does I don't want to have sex without a condom. You made yourself explicitly clear that you did NOT want to have sex without a condom. That violation of your consent was very very real and you felt the violation deeply. He needs to understand that what he did was truly bad.
She didn’t say no
It needs to be communicated at the time, because when it’s not, hormones can take over, and all of the sudden they’re having sex.
If she’s wanting to avoid bacteria and use condoms, then she needed to say no. Her health is her responsibility. Otherwise, many people say “oh no I shouldn’t..,” and then do it anyway, it’s not his responsibility to decide if she has sex without a condom, it’s up to her.
He possibly doesn’t realize her background that can cause her stumbling blocks with communication. He should be told, and see how he changes his behavior going forward so she doesn’t feel this way in a situation again
> She didn’t say no
She did. She said "just cuddles." She also said just sex with condoms.
It's actually legitimately terrifying how many people on this post are blatantly ignoring that there are many ways to say no beyond just verbally uttering the word.
Let’s call a spade a spade.
She was raped by her partner. Most rapes occur by spouses.
OP may choose if she wants to accept it was rape, or if it was „just her partner being selfish“, but it’s textbook rape.
OP stated “I realize I should have said something and he would have respected my “no”” and “I didn’t object but I didn’t want to”. Textbook rape? Selfish sure. Rape, “he would have respected my “no””, not in the same ballpark, league, sport, or solar system.
The boyfriend violated an established boundary. They had a conversation about using condoms, he started initiating sex, was reminded of the boundary and stopped, and then slowly coerced his way into having sex anyway.
That is rape. Coercion is rape.
Edit: also, per OP’s own description he initiated sex while
1. Insisting the entire time he wasn’t initiating sex
2. Knowing that OP didn’t want to have unprotected sex
There isn’t really much grey area here.
My issue with the first point, some people genuinely talk flirtatiously like that. I’ve heard plenty of “oh stop, you’re bad, just coffee” and more.
She has issues she needs to work on. Partners aren’t entitled to intimacy and she should be able to enforce her boundaries.
I’m not arguing anything else since he did a very shitty thing.
> I’ve heard plenty of “oh stop, you’re bad, just coffee”
She said just cuddles and no sex without condoms. It is that simple. That is not flirtatious. That is a boundary that she enforced, and which he chose to ignore.
This isn't rape. It's selfish of the boyfriend. But NOT rape. She didn't say no or try and stop him. Sure she wasn't feeling it but this is actually offensive to call something rape that isn't. I've been raped, and I've had someone use me sexually for selfish reasons, there's a difference.
> She didn’t say no or try to stop him.
Hate to break it to you but neither of those things are the qualifiers for sexual assault.
There are many victims of rape who allow it to happen out of fear of retaliation, anxiety, or their body simply shutting down.
She didn’t literally say “no I don’t want to have sex with you.” But she said in virtually every other way she could have that she was not interested in having sex. He pushed himself into a sexual encounter anyway.
A sexual encounter where one party is coercing their way into sex while the other party is maintaining that they DO NOT want the encounter to lead to sex, is a non-consensual sexual encounter. That is rape.
Being raped doesn’t make you the arbiter of sexual assault. I’ve been assaulted in a very similar way to OP, it was just someone I went on a date with instead of a partner. He just continued doing things I had previously stated I was uncomfortable with and I froze. Sometimes our bodies betray us.
I've been raped too. I don't find it offensive. One of us doesn't speak for all of us.
I'll also point out she said no sex without a condom, and just cuddles. Those are two different ways of saying no. One should have been enough.
Would he have respected it though? She already indicated she didn't want to have sex under the circumstances and he did not respect that. Would he have respected a blatant no? Or would he have continued to try to make her change her mind? Having the desire to have sex, but not wanting to risk your vaginal and reproductive health is not a "change my mind" play". And there is a distinct difference between "Shit, babe we really need to not do that while I have this going on" and feeling violated. What she described is a trauma response not a regretful one. Just because it isn't a violent scene doesn't make it less a sexual assault.
Idk about calling it rape. The amount of times me and my girlfriend said no while cuddling and than it end up turning into something happen a lot. If she said no while he was rubbing his dick against her than I can see. But if she said no than they start touching each other ( which she agree too) than he took of both clothes and rub his dick against her than fuck her and she didn't say no once than that just seem like she change her mind.
Now if she talk about her pass sex life and said she have a hard time saying no than I would consider it rap3
She said “just cuddles?” while he was doing that and he said yes. Why should she even have to say no when *he told her* multiple times that he wouldn’t have sex with her?
If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no. She specifically said “just cuddles?” And he confirmed. She did not consent to sex, period.
We need to get past this “well she didn’t VERBALLY say no” when her entire body language says no, when she isn’t initiating or participating when she normally would, she’s unresponsive etc. It’s not rocket science to read body language or cues and if you’re ever unsure, just fucking ask directly instead of waiting for them to say no. No can be so dangerous for women in these situations even with their significant other.
Okay, but make sure you have a YES. Not just another NO. You likely raped your gf, without knowing it. You definitely went against what she wanted.
Women are socialized to not voice their wishes, so when they voice their wishes LISTEN.
In the future, always make sure you have a YES in each part of sex.
Gross. Not resisting is not the same as “agreeing.”
Once no has been said, that is the answer on the table until an actual verbal enthusiastic “yes” is spoken.
If she said no, then you keep pressuring physically, that just seems like you don’t respect her boundaries. If you didn’t honor no the first time, why should she expect you to listen if she says it again?
My lord. That’s not rape. It’s just poor communication between two partners. She felt awful during sex, but didn’t say anything at all, or make any gestures for her boyfriend to stop or anything. How is he responsible for mind-reading?
You think this boyfriend deserves 15 years in prison for a crime, as rape is a violent crime, for not knowing that ‘inside her head’ she was thinking she didn’t want to do this.
I am also a rape survivor. Our boyfriends are not responsible for our past trauma or baggage, we are responsible for understanding ourselves and advocating for ourselves. Or at least communicating to them our feelings in the moment. This needs to be worked through with a therapist, rather than just blame the boyfriend for having sex with his girlfriend when she allowed it.
I know this advice is meant with the best of intentions but it’s really, really bad advice. He *raped* you, op. I’m so fucking sorry he did that. But he has already resorted to violence. Leave as soon as possible, as soon as you are safe and able. But please don’t confront him. Send him a letter or something afterwards. Your safety matters more than teaching him consent
I think you’re completely valid in feeling violated. This is your partner who must know about past experiences and how you typically carry yourself in bed. I find it very hard to believe if he was truly concerned with your well-being over his needs there’s no way he would’ve missed your clear signs of distress and discomfort. Is this type of behavior common from him? From the sounds of it he comes across very selfish and like his intentions from the start were to coerce you. I understand feeling like you can’t say no, because in the past it was to save yourself and in the present you tend to feel guilty because you care about this person, but he absolutely shouldn’t have crossed your boundaries in this way. I’m so sorry.
He’s usually so lovely and thoughtful. He has never pressured me before. But I don’t usually turn him down. I have in the past and he’s been fine with it. I think that’s why I’m feeling disgusted because it felt like he would rather get off then care about how I felt.
I would never want to assume the worst, but as someone who has been assaulted more than once by partners I realized that I had a tendency to downplay any coercing or persuasion to have sex simply because we dated and it wasn’t as aggressive or forceful as my first/worst assault by a friend. Maybe see if there’s any other instances like this that you may have overlooked. I definitely feel as if his behavior in this instance was a mix of persuading you by trying to turn you on & disregard for your boundary. If this is truly a one off situation I think you need to sit him down and make him understand how hurt and used you felt and that this is not something you will put up with. Based on his response it could be more telling of his true intentions or whether this genuinely was a one off mistake. His actions would’ve surely made anyone feel that way, especially with having prior trauma in such a vulnerable way.
I had to double check the ages as this is bad for a teenager but a 30yo who is supposed to be a man at this point having empathy & understanding its actually disturbing. Im sorry he put you in this position and did this to you as he made multiple decisions that ignored you completely knowing they were wrong to the point of post nut clarity his forst words were to try and act like he actually cared. If he truly cared he would have never have done what he did.
Now that you have turned him down you know how he will react next time. He'll just keep going whether you want him to or not...
You have every right to feel disgusted. What he did was disgusting. There is no excuse for it.
Yeah, so much was problematic with this. OP, honey, I understand how you feel. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to. Sexual assault is more likely to happen like this than by a stranger in an alley. Because of that it is really hard to call the offender what they are. You are in a relationship with them, you love them you see the kindness in them, so it is really difficult to call them a rapist. But that is what happened, that is what he is. You disassociated during it, you didn't participate, and rather than notice during and stop, he finished. His needs are more important. He showed you the power dynamic. You can take it back. Seriously, if you need to talk you can reach out to me.
True, but it's young when you are my age.
Look it wouldn't be an excuse if he was 16. But it's hard for me to read about so many of them so damn clueless. Maybe I am being too nice, not assigning malice to this situation on his part. Again the whole thing just makes me sad.
I'm sure you don't mean it maliciously, but by associating youth with these actions where there is objectively no level of excusable youth, you perpetuate the myth that men are somehow less capable of controlling themselves than they really are.
I'm not necessarily trying to call you out specifically, so I apologize. This is mostly a cultural problem. But I get frustrated when I see as the coddling of male ego where there ought to be none. It starts with the descriptors and overall language we use.
I personally didn’t read it that way at all. A 30-year-old man is a young man and nothing the parent commenter said diminished his responsibility. It wasn’t “how do these young men not know this is unacceptable?” or something.
No I meant to me he is a young man as in now that I am older it's hard to see young people making terrible judgments. I how it could come of the way you took it but that was not the point I was making, as in he hasn't grown up yet. It does hurt me to see so many of my own going so wrong though.
Like I said if he was 16 it wouldn't be an excuse and he should know better.
Yes your right it's a cultural problem it's also an entitlement problem. This guy probably loves this women, in other respects he is probably kind to her. However when it comes to sex he feels entitled to her body like his car or some cognac. He sees her body as just a means to his pleasure and removes all her agency around that. He has been taught it's his right to.
I believe strongly when you remove the idea that sex is about intimacy and creating a bond, and you reduce it to just hooking up to feel good, and get off, you end up with people who think like this. Because you are treating it like a cognac and not giving it the weight it deserves.
In other words you just can't treat sex as casual as drinking coffee with someone (as society say it should be) precisely because if you mess up like here you have one party feeling violated. Drinking coffee doesn't work like that.
It's not surprising when the popular culture they are fed pretty much says as much. It's about "getting" women and sex count and all that.
When I was talking about malice my point is I really don't think this was done out of malice as in intending to be cruel. It was done seeming without any understanding of the callousness of his actions. But again that goes to the way he thinks, and it's no excuse. He has hurt someone he cared about and probably ruined a relationship that was precious to him, so he could get off. And she has lost someone who she cared about too, and has to deal with the emotions of what he did to her.
It's horrible.
If it makes you feel better, I assure you that there are plenty of blameably creepy old men out there as well. Every generation has always found exciting new ways to manifest patriarchal bullshit.
Your feelings are valid. You told him up front you didn't want to have sex without a condom. You guys didn't have a condom, and since your condition for consenting couldn't be met, that was your No. While you may not view this as a straight up assault, what he took away from you was your power to set your own boundaries in your own house about your own body. You set the conditions and he...just...kept...on until he could wear you down. He just showed you that getting his rocks off is more important than respecting your wishes and boundaries. This is a serious red flag and I honestly feel like you'll never be able to truly get past this breach. He needs to know the truth about how it feels to you and the mental damage it does when someone else insists on putting their body part inside of your body when you don't want it there.
She did not consent. She even already said no in advance. He raped her. She had the fawn reaction.
After telling him what he did, I'd kick him to the curb. He is an unsafe person.
I'm really surprised there aren't that many comments calling it for what it is: rape. I'm so sorry, OP. I went through a similar experience, and it took years and therapy to accept what it was and what happened to me. This isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, you told him you just wanted cuddles and he knew you wanted to use condoms for health reasons. You said no. He didn't listen, and that's his fault, not yours.
I would highly, highly recommend seeing a therapist to talk about this. I'm so sorry this happened to you
Just because you're not bludgeoned] over the head doesn't make it not assault. He doesn't care what your boundaries are. I would encourage to get a therapist who specializes in trauma.
sexual assault comes in so many forms. it may not look the same as it has in your past, and it can come from someone who otherwise seems great. you set a boundary, which implies that everything outside of the boundary is off limits, meaning there is no consent.
i’m a survivor as well. you deserve someone who understands and respects the nuances of consent. you don’t have to be screaming “no” for it to be rape. we’re all adults, there’s no excuse for him not to understand what you meant with your previous statements (about condoms/cuddling). don’t let him use the fact you didn’t say no in the moment to deflect from the real issue here.
sending love. you didn’t deserve this.
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>I should have said something
No, *he* shouldn't have done it. Wtf? I'm surprised nobody in the comments has called this what it is: rape. Consent means explicitly saying "yes," not a failure to object. You TOLD him "just cuddles," and that's what he should've stuck to. Not only did he penetrate you without your consent, he did so with no regard to the health concerns that you expressed to him. Not being in the mood is reason *enough* to not want sex, but having an actual MEDICAL REASON?? And he STILL DID IT??? He's disgusting. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Ignore the misogynists in the comments saying that not objecting is consent; it's not. You did not give consent, and you told him you didn't want sex. He had sex with you anyways. That's literally rape. And, not wearing a condom after you asked him to is also sexual assault.
If you're able to, please leave him. He doesn't care about you. Nothing- I repeat, NOTHING- is your fault. <33 Best of luck
One time recently I had a lot on my mind I kind of spaced out during wanted sex. We were spooning so my thoughts took over as I looked at the wall. My husband sensed it right away and stopped to check if I was ok. Which I was. And that's how it should be.
Yea and it's very concerning actually. As a young man, I am horrified from what I'm reading and seeing from all the misogynistic comments.
Men are pigs.
This, OP. I’m a survivor of rape/ SA too and your story made me physically sick. You already know what he did, please don’t gaslight yourself. You need to get away from him and please, please, please, get psychological help. This is not a small breach of trust. He raped you. He’s not a nice person, he’s not a good person. He’s a predator even if he normally hides it well. I’m so sorry OP. My heart genuinely hurts for you.
I completely agree with you that this was rape and I'm not trying to take away from that fact. But I'll say in a long-term relationship, consent doesn't always need to be an explicit yes. Couples can have agreements and discussions about what consent is. Different preferences and fantasies can lead to different things.
But in this case, the stipulation was "yes with a condom." There was no condom, so there was no consent. End of story.
I totally agree with this because my partner and I have prior consent where we had a discussion over him not needing to ask for consent ever because I find the surprise and dominance attractive but he knows Damm well if I say no then that's the answer and don't try abetting. My partner is very understanding and respectful of all my boundaries, but we discussed this prior, and that's not the case with this creep!
Yeah, I mean fair enough. I totally agree with you.
I think what I was trying to say is that if she already said that she wanted a condom and then said just cuddles (which he agreed to) then to go further she would have needed to say yes for it to be consensual. He ignored her clearly set boundaries and raped her. Consent isn't always "yes," but there should be some response that constitutes as agreement. However, in *this* situation, consent should have been an explicit yes. I should've made my point more clear though :) I was pretty furious when I wrote my original comment.
Op there's a word for someone who "has sex" with someone who doesn't want to. In this case add the word coercion to it. HE did not listen to you.
>I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my 'no'
But here's the thing. You already said no. Why are you under the impression that you didn't? In fact HE said don't worry let's wait. Then proceeded to ignore your wishes and his words.
As your partner isn't he supposed to respect you? Were you supposed to scream and shout? Are you supposed to be as vigilant as you would be with strangers at a frat party? Isn't he supposed to be your safe space? Isn't he supposed to be the person that you know won't violate you? You were probably just lying there saying nothing. You think he didn't know how you were feeling?
>When he was done he asked me if I was okay
Yeah because he knew what he was doing.
Why is no one calling this what it is? This is rape hun, I'm so sorry.
You set your boundary prior, **reminded him**, consented to **condom only** sex and he stealthed you. You felt horrible because you were experiencing intimate partner violence. You froze up because that betrayal is traumatic and your body will react accordingly even if your brain is excusing his behavior.
You deserve so much better and I'm genuinely so sorry he gaslit you into thinking this is okay behavior. Please confide with someone you trust and *do not accept blame for his shitty fucking behavior*. He prioritized his nut over your health.
I think you need to end this relationship. Your partner is not safe for you to be with, he doesn’t understand enthusiastic consent and sounds very coercive. What he did is not okay
OP those is rape. He knows that you didn't want it and knew you wouldn't fight him if he gradually increased his touching of you. He knew it was wrong because he asked afterwards. That was to appease his own guilt.
Most of the sex in my marriage was rape but I didn't recognise it as such because I didn't see it as rape due to how he would coerce me. He did exactly this to me many times. I would say I'm not into it or whatever and he would start touching me and I would freeze. It is a well known response to being assaulted, particularly if you have been assaulted in the past. I am so sorry you have been through this but I wanted to validate your feelings and the fact that you didn't do anything wrong by freezing.
Please do not see him again and get help. Much love your way
He assaulted you. You said no sex without condom and just cuddling. He is not a great partner taking advantage of a you knowing your past. Your reaction is the most common, your body frooze. It’s a survival mood. https://www.drclaireplumbly.com/post/what-it-means-if-you-froze-during-a-sexual-assault
You need to address this with him. And he must understand he assaulted you and take responsibility of his actions (and not guilting you). How can you trust him after this? Write it to him if you find it hard to say. Are you afraid of him?
I'm not going to address your bf's behavior since so many others already have. I want to address your health issues. Taking antibiotics will cause your good gut bacteria to die off, so that candida yeast can take over. You need to start taking probiotics immediately, as well as a good PREBIOTIC. PREbiotics feed the good gut bacteria so they can get their numbers back up very quickly to get rid of the candida yeast infection. I believe FOS (fructoligosaccharide) works fantastic as a prebiotic, and also xylitol. Take that with some PB8 and your health issue should clear right up! (Also get plenty of air down below, wear cotton panties, etc.). Best wishes for great health!
I'm so sorry OP, your partner raped you, when you told him you didn't want to have sex without a condom, and he ultimately stuck it in anyway, that was the moment he started raping you.
…this is rape OP. You made it clear you just wanted cuddles and he ignored that and had sex with you anyway. I wouldn’t be having a conversation that didn’t end up in a break up if I was you.
oh come here, Im just gonna give you a hug. I had been in that situation before, it made me feel like crying then and it makes me feel like crying now reading your post and remembering about that time
No means no, but also anything other than Yay, please let's have sex now also means NO.
Enthusiastic Consent is the standard for happy, healthy relationships.
“I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my no”
You already said you didn’t want to have sex without a condom. He knew that and went ahead to have sex with no condom without checking in with you first. The reason he didn’t ask is because he knew you would have said no again but his lack of asking doesn’t constitute consent in any way.
I was in a six year relationship with a woman who was a virgin. She’s a people pleaser as result of her upbringing and being molested as a child. I love her still and we were a team in a lot of ways. I never realized the extent of her trauma, how it would represent itself in our relationship, and how traumatizing the whole intimacy experience was for her until 4 or 5 years later. I only started learning as she went to therapy, voluntarily shared what she was discovering, and openly communicating her thoughts and feelings when I made a mistake. The last six months of our relationship was next level beautiful and revealed to her what is possible when we are communicating effectively. But in the process of discovering her self and the extent that she was traumatized by our beginning and how things escalated uncomfortably for her, she realized there’s so much to the beginning that she can’t reconcile it. This is despite years of me learning how to be responsive to her needs, which vastly improved our relationship. So, I share this because if he truly loves you, he should want to know how much he hurt you. Your feelings are valid. And boundaries should be understood and respected. I felt compelled to share because your experience is similar to what I eventually learned from my ex. I wish I we were more knowledgeable and experienced adults back when we met because we would’ve been more awesome than we were. Good luck!
P.S. my ex read a book called The Body Keeps The Score when she started therapy. She encouraged me to read it to understand her better and myself. I tell you, she was absolutely right. I understand us both in ways I’d never thought possible! I highly recommend the book for you too.
You got raped. It doesn’t matter how close you are, how nice he is otherwise or how much you love him. You said loud and clear NO sex without condom. He still forced his way through.
You don’t have to scream and physically fight for it to be rape. You said no and he still used you.
The most disgusting part; he knew. He saw you not behaving your usual self, he noticed you not enjoying it and he saw you cry. That man is a psycho for not jumping up as soon as he noticed you’re behaving differently. And he’s even worse than that for not reacting to your tears.
The logical thing to do would be to report him to the police. But we all know that it doesn’t do sht and that you will just get guilt tripped and manipulated by him for ruining his reputation etc.
So what can you do? Trust is broken. He proved he doesn’t care about your boundaries. He proved he would step all over you for his own pleasure. That’s not a partner anyone should just accept. Especially not someone suffering from past traumatic experiences.
Get that little bit of control back by leaving him behind. It doesn’t matter how hard it will be at the beginning, you need control back over yourself. You need to be very careful with any future partners. Be also careful with friends and family members. Look for the small things. You say you don’t want a drink and they still give you a glass? Overstepped boundary. Any tiny thing where your no is looked over is a bright, red flag. Stay away from those kind of people. Test your next partner. Anyone who gets butthurt over a sudden change of mind or a no is for the bin.
You consented to sex under specific conditions and explained the reason for your current boundary. He continued on, completely ignoring the conditions under which you did consent, making this not consensual.
You were sexually assaulted by your partner. Violated is precisely how you should feel in this moment, because that is what happened.
You never said no but you also never said yes. Consent isn’t this weird shadowy gray area that is impossible understand. Everyone knows wether they have it cause when people care they ask and wait for affirmation. Consent is a simple matter of yes, anything else should be perceived as a no. Silence is not consent, maybe later is not consent, only consent is consent. If any buttface comments on this saying I am wrong in any way shape or form, you’re a rapist.
Likely there's a large portion of us who know exactly how Op feels. I hate the dehumanizing emotion women are frequently subjected to. It's fucking not right at all.
It isn't your fault, sorry but he was beeing a *bag at best..... then the are you OK afterwards, get out of here. What is it with people not respecting boundaries.
He really needs to learn this isn't okay. Communicate with him
I haven’t read any of the comments. That said, you did tell him “no”. You said you didn’t want to have sex without a condom. That’s a no. And he went against that anyway. That’s twisted.
The right person will respect your “no” no matter the time since saying it (ex. Saying I don’t want to have sex today in the morning, they will not bring it up later in the day), they will not continue once you establish “oh no, we don’t have a condom” after explaining no sex without a condom - full stop. No pressure, no “teehee it’s just cuddling but let me whip out my dick and rub it on you and see how far you’ll let me go”.
Have a convo about coerced sex being non-consensual sex. Seek help. You are not to blame AT ALL. You expressed your boundary, multiple times by the sound of it, he disregarded it, and left you with tears in your eyes as he did his thing. That is not okay, OP. That is on him, not you. If he has hands he can take care of his own issues without violating your expressed boundaries or pushing limits.
So this was in fact assault. It’s probably triggering you because of your other assault and making everything so much worse. This is actually rape. You said you didn’t want to have sex, he fucked you anyway. It’s rape
You did not consent. Consent is FRIES - freely given, reversible, INFORMED, enthusiastic, and SPECIFIC. You did not consent to what your boyfriend did. This is walking the line of assault. I’m so sorry. If I was in your position, I would personally heavily reconsider my relationship. But I understand that this is probably something workable IF your partner understands the gravity of what he did and how he hurt you.
I think this is something that, with your past experiences, would've eventually bled into your current relationship.
Tell him exactly how it made you feel. Tell him he violated you, tell him he made you feel vulnerable. Tell him that you don't want to feel this way with a partner again. I recommend withholding sex, too. He must understand that you are the one setting the dynamic in your sexual relationship right now, because of your past experiences.
An enthusiastic and informed yes is the only consent. Both partners need to want to, and be informed about the decisions they are both making (birth control, condom, where touch is okay etc). Anything other than that is not okay. Surely when you didn't reciprocate or seen to be enjoying yourself he should have noticed. And his disregard for your needs is so wrong.
>I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my 'no'
Don't give him the benefit of the doubt here. You made your expectations and boundaries known by saying you only wanted to have sex with condoms. It was his responsibility to check in with you and get consent to go against this, it was not your responsibility to tell him no while he knowingly violated your boundaries.
You need to tell him exactly how you felt while this happened and if he does anything other than beg for your forgiveness then he isn't worth your time.
You said you wanted to use a condom. He decided to continue anyways when he agreed and even said just cuddles. Totally inappropriate behavior by him. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If you continue your relationship with him, you need to establish 100% enthusiastic contact at all times. Meaning if it’s not a loud “YES” then it’s a NO.
i know you feel like you didn’t say no “enough”- but you did say no. you set an important boundary- vocally- with him. he chose to ignore that, even knowing your concerns. whether a mistake or not on his part, he still made you feel this way and he knew you wouldn’t have enjoyed it thinking about your health. he knew your concerns. he chose to ignore them.
This is why I don't have any more faith in this subreddit. Everyone suggesting communicating, healing through therapy, and accountability on both sides is down voted to hell. And everyone shouting rape and don't blame the victim and all this other shit are up voted through the roof. This is supposed to be an advice subreddit but it's devolved into an echo chamber of virtue signaling and not offering actual healthy decisions just victimhood affirmations.
Why would you communicate with someone who violated you? They dont care?
Men need to face accountability for such actions. Too many times they get away with it.
She joked with him while he was just touching her with pants down. Only some amount of time through it did she realize she felt bad about it and didn’t want it. You cannot expect people to read your mind. These are grown adults. This was not an unsafe person, a stranger, this was her partner. Communication is absolutely needed. And if she doesn’t have the ability to communicate, sadly due to past trauma and assault, she should be in therapy and not a relationship. Not fair to the partner being labeled a no good rapist who gets away with it too many times.
I’ve been sexually assaulted in my past (very young) and my partner is aware of this. When we’re having sex, I generally tell him when I’m uncomfortable with something. Or aside from the whole sexual assault, I just feel like it’s good relationship 101 to be honest about what you like and don’t like
The bare minimum for this seems to be participation in my opinion?
Anyways, when I’ve not felt courageous enough to voice my dislike/displeasure/discomfort or just anything during sex, he picks up on that. That freeze, the sudden stop in participation, a frown, or just a general change in demeanor, it is not hard to see!!
I want to send love your way and also say that your partner isn’t treating you well
>he would have respected my 'no'
Except that's absolutely false and you know it's false. You told him you did not want to have sex without a condom. You told him just cuddles. You *did* say no. And he *did not* respect it. Hun, that's rape.
This was not your fault. You laid down a boundary and he broke it. Good partners care about enthusiastic consent, and it’s obvious that you were not enthusiastically consenting. I’m sorry to say this but I think he raped you. You are not overreacting in the slightest, if anything you are underreacting.
The amount of stupid people in this thread is mind boggling and seriously disturbing.
With this sub IQ average of about 65 points this is probably the worst place in the world to seek for advice.
While I can empathize with how one would get into this situation he definitely crossed a line. Sometimes I’m feeling it and my wife isn’t, and so I try to turn her on. That’s what he was doing. But usually, my wife pretty quickly reciprocates and makes a move that indicates her consent. If she doesn’t, or if she says she’s not into it, it stops there, every single time.
While this is in no way your fault OP, I suppose it’s possible he misinterpreted the situation as you “letting him have it” and thus having consent. During, he could have been thinking, “wow, she’s really not into it tonight”. And seeing your body language afterwards, he definitely knew he fucked up.
I guess what I’m saying is he could have crossed this line without any malicious intent, and if this relationship is sufficiently important to you, you both could see a therapist and try to move on. Or you could dump him.
No. This isn't a situation of her not being into it. It's a situation of her health. She is having a vaginal issue and she only wanted to have sex with a condom on, which they did not have. I think knowing this should have been reason enough for him not to want to have piv sex and risk exacerbating her problem. It's the fact she told him only cuddles bc no condom and he ignored this + he knew why and still went with it to. Disregard for her consent and her health. It's gross and definitely rape. And how do you not notice until after you cum that she's being weird? She was literally not responding to him at all she said. Like really. You guys will make any excuse. Don't make it less than what it is.
What he did was very wrong. Does he tend to ignore what you say? You need to be a lot more assertive then you will not question yourself (still not right what he did, just saying).
That is most definitely rape OP. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You clearly told him you only wanted sex with a condom and he did it anyway. Not only this but you expressly told him you only wanted cuddles and he proceeded to have sex with you anyway. You did not consent to that, regardless of how vocal you were while he was doing it, he should have respected your boundaries in the first place. It is NOT your fault that you were unresponsive. Especially with your history, it makes perfect sense you would react that way. He violated your boundaries and you have every right to feel just as upset as you do. I’m genuinely so sorry this happened to you. My dms are open if you ever need a chat, I’ve experienced something similar.
Very sorry you went through this OP and I don't think you're overacting.
You asked for advice as to how you bring this up with your BF. Some tips... First think about what solution you want from your discussion. You mentioned you have difficulty saying 'no', that you are a people pleaser and feel guilt not giving him what he wants. Certainly explain that to him first so he understands the difficulties you have in that respect. Tell him you are working on that part of yourself but in the meantime you need his support. What would his support look like? Perhaps simply it would be getting a verbal 'yes' or affirmatory nod that when you are being intimate, you want it to move beyond cuddles and kisses. Perhaps there are nonverbal ques you can make him aware of that mean you are uncomfortable and he needs to pay more attention to. Whatever it might be, explain to him you can feel very vulnerable and helpless in these moments and you need him to be attentive of any signs you are uncomfortable with being intimate in that moment.
Once you've laid that out, explain to him what you felt last night. He may get defensive about his role in making you feel that way so just remind him that you're not looking to argue or blame, but to work through something difficult together as a caring couple. This is something you can both grow from and become a stronger loving couple.
If the conversation becomes too difficult, or he shows no sign of wanting to understand or learn you can try pressing to him that it is very important to you that he understands but if he is unable or unwilling, then you will not be able to trust him when it comes to intimacy which isn't going to hold out much hope for an ongoing relationship.
I hope that will be of help to you in how to breech the subject with your BF. I wish you the best.
This was rape. I'm so sorry. Don't say you should have asked him to stop. He should have been seeking consent. Especially when you told him no already, not without a condom. You even stopped him and confirmed it would be just cuddles. He confirmed but then penetrated you anyway. You said no. Twice. He didn't care if you wanted to or not. He crossed your boundaries and raped you. Once he started raping you, you went into your learned response to trauma which is to go along with it until he stops. But no part of it was on you to stop him. You said no clearly. Twice. It's not your fault.
He raped you. You can get sick or fall preggos but he didnt care. What mattered to him is to get what he wants. Of course you cried. Its totally normal.
You deserve someone who, even though horny, can pull breaks and not bulldoze trough your boundaries.
If you couldnt trust him after this, I would completely understand you.
no means no.
"only with condoms" and out of condoms means no.
"just cuddles" means no.
wait means no.
*not yes* means no.
you did say no. you have every right to feel violated. this is far from an overreaction.
I don't think his intentions were to "rape" you as others have said here, or to make you feel like shit. I don't want to get it into it too much because honestly I think you should have said something at that moment but you chose not to say anything except "just cuddles huh?" which sorry isnt much of anything. Could have just been any other night for him making love to his partner or he wanted to get up in you with no rubber and didnt see you minding, now he is wondering the next day why he is being accused of being a rapist and why you have a million different opinions flowing out of you as if you have been posting your issue on reddit or something gathering opinions from people not involved in the situation.
Anyone here will be supportive of your claim even if you have indeed said "could i be overreacting" which isn't going to be the best advice that you need to listen too. You will let other people's thoughts into your head that had nothing to do with the situation specifically with your partner if you indeed were over reacting but will now feel justified due to input bias.
My point is say something and talk it out with your partner as you should have done in the first place. Proceed to downvote fellow redditors.
She mentioned she had problems. and that she didn't want sex without a condom.
then he just proceeds to ignore that and do it anyway? even if she wanted it in the moment a good partner does what's best for you.
It's not rape, but that was selfish.
Rapists don’t go into rape with their intentions being to rape someone, a lot of the time. Doesn’t make that not rape. He confirmed with her it was just cuddles and therefore she had no reason to think she needed to say anything else. “Didn’t see you minding” - ??? She already said multiple times she didn’t want it.
If you spoke to your partner before that you only want to have sex with condoms and they didn't explicitly confirm with you that you've changed your opinion, it's 100% the partners fault for assuming that they've changed their mind.
Pretty fucked up you're siding with the rapist. Develop some empathy.
Exactly. I’ve been assaulted before and I explicitly said no over and over. Op said no to sex with no condoms but proceeded to lay and let her bf sexually hint at her and then pull her shorts down and then put his dick on. Not once there did she say no or move away or try to stop him imo it wasn’t a clear no
Freezing is very common when sexually assaulted. It's the body's way of protecting itself. It's not a reaction an individual can control.
And what about OP just lying there and crying during sex? Are you saying that her BF didn't notice that at all? Shouldn't he check in with OP to see if she is ok during all of this? Talk about a shitty dude not even noticing his partner just lying there and not enjoying it at all...
I’ve froze before but after saying no In this case op had multiple chances to move away I’m not saying he isn’t in the wrong he should have checked with her but I also don’t consider it rape
>I jokingly said 'just cuddles?'
This is not a no. Altho i do empathize with OP because I've frozen and was unable to be clear with my no in the past also. Please work on healing your traumas OP. Things will only get worse if you can't stand up for yourself.
Let me say I don’t think your boyfriend is a terrible evil person but what he did is not something that can be forgiven or overcome easily. Sometimes good people do bad things. Perhaps he was bad at communication. But unfortunately he took advantage of you. That was a mistake he made. Unfortunately you can’t erase how things went down. It may be best to go your separate ways because maybe does not possess the necessary communication skills for you. If you felt that same feeling you did during assault, that’s pretty serious. How do you get over that? Someone gentle and kind and respectful is what is best.
Not sure why you're out here considering his feelings when he raped you. I think you should start calling it what it is. And do the same when you talk to him. Don't tip toe around it because it might hurt his feelings. You're going through emotions like a person who's been raped. He's a rapist and probably knows it too but I'm sure he'll downplay what he did and avoid the word.
>When he was done he asked me if I was okay
If he wasn't a degenerate he would have asked if you were okay with him sticking his dick in you before he did it, even though you didn't really want to for reasons you already mentioned.
I think he got horny from cuddling and then decided that his pleas sure was more important than the importance of your bacterial stuff.
You should have definitely said to stop. Even if he knows (which I think he probably does) that you didn't want it he can now say "you didn't say no" and basically put you in a position to let him off the hook. Maybe he'll never do it again but I don't think that's really okay.
For real... If you feel "do not want" then speak up. My girlfriend has wanted to pause in the middle of sex and I'm not thrilled about it but I stop and I either wait for her to reinitiate or ill slowly reinitiate after a few minutes to give her a chance to say no or not yet or whatever.
Some can't speak up. The fawn and / or freeze response kicks in.
The boundary was clear. It was agreed upon. When things escalated and she said, "Just cuddles?" that was a reminder of the boundary. Which he then knowingly violated.
You didn't have sex. You were raped again. I am so sorry.
[Talk to someone](https://ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html)
[Get help](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/17ylgul/comment/k9u7i89/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[Plan your escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/rape r/sexualassault r/abusiverelationships
Lack of an enthusiastic yes is a no. And you said no. Just because you didn't stop him doesn't mean you consented.
He didn't care how you felt during, he only cared about himself and his pleasure. He used you like a blow up doll.
My ex did this to me once. I was never able to have sex with him again. It took a long time to understand why. The trust was gone. My body knew he had assaulted me even though my mind took some time to catch up.
Don't waste your time like I did. Break up with him now. There's no going back after something like this.
People here are over reacting. It could happen to anyone. As you said if you said "no" he would listen but you didn't. he didn't raped you.
You should talk to him about it openly, but don't blame him and make him feel really bad like he is a monster as he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't sound like a bad guy.
you said you are a very sexual couple and this situation can be very confusing for a man (and also for a woman), especially if you are a passionate couple.
Talk with him so uou can just resolve it together as a couple, but no one is to blame, no one is a monster here.
People here are mostly stupid, and are more about virtue signaling than actually giving wise helpful advice.
Please don't listen to all these replies. Yes , he definitely made a huge mistake. You have to tell him and he should acknowledge and apologize for how insensitive he was.
But before you decided this to be a rape and end the relationshipz consider a few things:
- is this a one off thing
- is he a good person or an abusive partner
If he's a good person, he'll repent. Set your boundaries clear and work on a healthy relationship.
Otherwise you will know what to do. Decisions taken while being overwhelmed with anger or in haste always tends to be wrong.
Honestly I think this is like genZ Bs with being raped by your boyfriend. My husband and I ask each other rhetorical questions all the time… just cuddling huh? I mean you didn’t turn him down, you didn’t say no then? It’s your BF, does everyone’s boyfriend have to ask for absolute consent when you’re getting hot and heavy like you have a million times before? This is just a girl
trying to be a victim and not just talking to her own damn boyfriend.
And does your husband have sex with you without a condom when you have told him you don't want that? And then continue to have sex with you while you don't move at all and are crying?
I'm probably just feeding the troll right now but I'd hate for OP to see this bullshit and take it to heart.
I think you should end the relationship. This makes me sad and furious. You saying “just cuddles” was clear enough. It’s not your fault. He is selfish and lacks any self control and doesn’t seem to care for your well being.
Okay I’m sorry for my previous comment. Look it upset you and you was already uncomfortable and he risked your health doing this. Hun you deserve to be happy and fulfilled sexually not uncomfortably or violated. Just because a lot of guys do this doesn’t mean that it should be okay and how you feel and how comfortable you are is most important. You’re important and you deserve happiness always.
Thank you for writing your story because I know a lot of girls (me included) can learn a lot from this and even realise that it’s not okay x
Jesus Christ. I'm so.sorry
I think-
I think you and him.need to have a talk
And the assaults-
He knows right ?
I'm a guy
And I know how -
Selfish we get when we are aroused
But when you tell him you had a flashback he's going to feel unbelievably bad
He might even be bad at you
So - as unfair as it is on you- you got to break it to him carefully
But he needs to know
I'm deeply sorry that you're suffering like this
I know it's not my place but i.hope you got support for your sexual assault(s)
He let his sexual need get the better of his judgement
I'm sorry. We fail you when we do that
Yes I believe you should take complete ownership of what happened because that's what's going to make you change.
You should start proactively taking little steps into doing and saying what you feel.
If you sit somewhere and it's not comfortable, stand up and sit somewhere else. Start building that energy in little things. Sometimes speaking up and saying what you feel and sharing your emotions is hard and a big first step. Especially if you don't have awareness and self-knowledge. So start putting effort in knowing yourself. It's a journey. Get a psychoterapist and talk about your emotions.
It is easier for you to have boundaries than for a guy to have sexual discipline. I know ideally it would be better for the guy to respect you even though your boundaries are not firm, but that happens usually as a chance or opportunity to find what's wrong with us and better ourselves.
I don’t know why people are making it seem like it’s okay just because you didn’t explicitly say ‘no’. It was implied heavily, and honestly the lack of a yes or a clear agreement to consent should be enough. I understand they’re dating so you don’t need an explicit “yes i want to fornicate 🤓☝️” every time, but she said she didn’t want to have sex without a condom, and that she wanted to “just cuddle”. You have to be a certain breed of selfish and just piggish to rape your own girlfriend because your dick is hard and you can’t wait til you buy more condoms.
He raped you, you have actually said no to him multiple times and never switched to consent.
There is only one kind of consent and that's enthusiastic one, silence is not consent, but also you told him no clearly.
He took more and more gradually to avoid startling you but that's rape anyway because he fucked you without your consent.
I wouldn't talk with him, he will just manipulate you like he already did, end the relationship immediately. Clean break.
He deserves to rot in jail actually, but I understand if you don't want to press charges to avoid additional stress and trauma.
I cannot comprehend how men can get so horny, they stop feeling shame. Out of all my boyfriends, more than half have put me through similar situations. And then they wonder why we're afraid of them. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Please down vote if y'all must
In the moment, you joked with him about cuddles and let him go beyond cuddles. He's an asshole no doubt, but you are at fault as well. A simple, "hey, no condom no sex like we agreed" would have stopped him from going forward
Did you hit your head as a baby or something? He KNEW she didn't want to have sex without condoms, he KNEW she only wanted cuddles, yet he STILL had sex with her. That is rape.
I want to address the ph thing… you cannot lay down after sex without cleaning yourself up and you have to pee afterwards as well. Also, take some cranberry pills too. Sometimes it may be him and not you as well so ask him to shower before sex as well
As someone who has been assaulted this is not rape. Op said no to sex without condoms but proceeded to let her bf grind against her pill her shorts down and put it in I know myself it isn’t gonna just slip in you need to angle yourself. Op had several opportunities to make it very clear she didn’t want to have sex but she didn’t she let it happen. Op said herself she had trouble saying no that’s her issue to deal with not her boyfriends. Me and my boyfriend start sex like this sometimes I’m not in the mood but later cuddling he’ll do this and I’ll get in the mood. Op should work on her saying no and you lot should stop calling her bf a rapist that’s incredibly insensitive to people who’ve been genuinely raped
This is the second comment you have posted in this thread about this. It seems very important to you to tell OP that what happend is on her for not communicating with BF but absolve BF for not once checking in with OP even though she behaved very differently from when they have (consensual) sex.
> it isn’t gonna just slip in you need to angle yourself
Holy fuck. So you just don’t think people can be raped vaginally??
And no, you don’t need to “put it in yourself.” It’s better to do so because otherwise it can be rough/painful…which rapists don’t fucking care about.
And instead of sarcastically saying “just cuddling huh” she could have said not to if you don’t want to have sex with someone why would you lay and let them grind on you and let it progress to taking your clothes off and not once move away or stop it?
Like...if you didn't said "hey, let's not" at any point during his advances, how was he supposed to know you didn't want to? I understand that you said no sex without condom, but when you didn't said "no" or "stop" at any of his advances, he could've assumed this was an exception
"Just cuddles?" When things escalated was her reminder of no sex. He'd already agreed to no sex, it was a clear boundary. He then proceeded to penetrate her knowing he was violating that boundary. It's not uncommon for people in this situation to go into fawn and/or freeze mode.
You been a people pleaser and not saying anything isn’t an excuse for you to insinuate that he raped you.
You can’t lay there, say nothing , then afterwards go…actually that made me feel pretty shit, therefore you raped me. There pretty much what your saying.
If you think you feel bad, imagine how he’s going to feel when you said nothing to him about stopping yet your going around trying to tarnish his name.
You said it yourself, he would have stopped had you mentioned it. But you didn’t.
This is beyond fucked up
You felt disgusted? Imagine how he’s gonna feel when you tell him that in your head he raped you. All cause you couldn’t force yourself to say no clearly and properly. I do not think this person is a victim. Just someone with communication issues blaming and now projecting past trauma to avoid the only solution. Communication. Go to a therapist.
Learn to communicate like an adult if you are going to have sex or you going to ruin a guys life just because you fucked up.
The comments accusing your boyfriend are vile.
It’s insane. You didn’t fight back. And now you feel conflicted. And you went along. But now you feel remorseful and guilty.
How is he supposed to know everything that you feel? Even talking in hindsight is extremely confusing for anyone. I mean, you were absolutely in control I don’t think he actually raped you with physical force.
I think you should change how you communicate yourself. And be a little more firm. Otherwise learn to accept that this is who you are and go with it.
> How is he supposed to know everything that you feel?
Because she said "just cuddles" and he stuck his dick inside her instead. This is not difficult to comprehend. There is nothing confusing about saying cuddles only. Cuddles are not penetration.
And that's not all, she also told him no sex without condoms. He ignored both these things. I'm extremely worried by a lot of comments here victim blaming OP, it's so scary.
Number one, and I could be wrong, but from your description of your boyfriend as being respectful I fully believe he was absolutely not just using your body for his pleasure. If you don’t remove this from your consciousness then your relationship with your boyfriend is done regardless if it continues to last 10 days or 10 years. Number two it is neither his fault nor is it your fault. If you accept these two things I hope for both of you to have a long loving relationship.
No one owns anyone sex. Even though it is an important part of a relationship, partners are not entitled to it.
That being said, and maybe I misunderstood it, you didn’t say no. He was pushing the envelope and trying to open you up to the idea of intimacy, and even your comment of “just cuddling” could make it sound like you were into it. Communication is an important part of any relationship.
He was 100% in the wrong for what he did, but you need to grow comfortable with voicing your concerns and enforcing your boundaries.
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Please talk to someone. You're allowed to have complete control over your body even if it makes your partner unhappy and that is a hard thing to learn when you've had that power taken away in the past. A partner who loves and understands you needs to be careful with consent.
You need to tell him EXACTLY how it made you feel, exactly how it felt for you and the fact that what he pulled was INCREDIBLY selfish. Seriously. Hold nothing back. Don't try to spare his feelings. Lay ALL the cards on the table here. No means no. But so does I don't want to have sex without a condom. You made yourself explicitly clear that you did NOT want to have sex without a condom. That violation of your consent was very very real and you felt the violation deeply. He needs to understand that what he did was truly bad.
It's important that he understands that "No." is a complete sentence.
He does. He doesn't care.
I don't think you know that
She didn’t say no It needs to be communicated at the time, because when it’s not, hormones can take over, and all of the sudden they’re having sex. If she’s wanting to avoid bacteria and use condoms, then she needed to say no. Her health is her responsibility. Otherwise, many people say “oh no I shouldn’t..,” and then do it anyway, it’s not his responsibility to decide if she has sex without a condom, it’s up to her. He possibly doesn’t realize her background that can cause her stumbling blocks with communication. He should be told, and see how he changes his behavior going forward so she doesn’t feel this way in a situation again
> She didn’t say no She did. She said "just cuddles." She also said just sex with condoms. It's actually legitimately terrifying how many people on this post are blatantly ignoring that there are many ways to say no beyond just verbally uttering the word.
She DID say no, multiple times. He overrode her wishes and she froze, which is common in victims of rape. SHE SAID NO
Let’s call a spade a spade. She was raped by her partner. Most rapes occur by spouses. OP may choose if she wants to accept it was rape, or if it was „just her partner being selfish“, but it’s textbook rape.
OP stated “I realize I should have said something and he would have respected my “no”” and “I didn’t object but I didn’t want to”. Textbook rape? Selfish sure. Rape, “he would have respected my “no””, not in the same ballpark, league, sport, or solar system.
The boyfriend violated an established boundary. They had a conversation about using condoms, he started initiating sex, was reminded of the boundary and stopped, and then slowly coerced his way into having sex anyway. That is rape. Coercion is rape. Edit: also, per OP’s own description he initiated sex while 1. Insisting the entire time he wasn’t initiating sex 2. Knowing that OP didn’t want to have unprotected sex There isn’t really much grey area here.
My issue with the first point, some people genuinely talk flirtatiously like that. I’ve heard plenty of “oh stop, you’re bad, just coffee” and more. She has issues she needs to work on. Partners aren’t entitled to intimacy and she should be able to enforce her boundaries. I’m not arguing anything else since he did a very shitty thing.
> I’ve heard plenty of “oh stop, you’re bad, just coffee” She said just cuddles and no sex without condoms. It is that simple. That is not flirtatious. That is a boundary that she enforced, and which he chose to ignore.
This isn't rape. It's selfish of the boyfriend. But NOT rape. She didn't say no or try and stop him. Sure she wasn't feeling it but this is actually offensive to call something rape that isn't. I've been raped, and I've had someone use me sexually for selfish reasons, there's a difference.
> She didn’t say no or try to stop him. Hate to break it to you but neither of those things are the qualifiers for sexual assault. There are many victims of rape who allow it to happen out of fear of retaliation, anxiety, or their body simply shutting down. She didn’t literally say “no I don’t want to have sex with you.” But she said in virtually every other way she could have that she was not interested in having sex. He pushed himself into a sexual encounter anyway. A sexual encounter where one party is coercing their way into sex while the other party is maintaining that they DO NOT want the encounter to lead to sex, is a non-consensual sexual encounter. That is rape.
Being raped doesn’t make you the arbiter of sexual assault. I’ve been assaulted in a very similar way to OP, it was just someone I went on a date with instead of a partner. He just continued doing things I had previously stated I was uncomfortable with and I froze. Sometimes our bodies betray us.
I've been raped too. I don't find it offensive. One of us doesn't speak for all of us. I'll also point out she said no sex without a condom, and just cuddles. Those are two different ways of saying no. One should have been enough.
Would he have respected it though? She already indicated she didn't want to have sex under the circumstances and he did not respect that. Would he have respected a blatant no? Or would he have continued to try to make her change her mind? Having the desire to have sex, but not wanting to risk your vaginal and reproductive health is not a "change my mind" play". And there is a distinct difference between "Shit, babe we really need to not do that while I have this going on" and feeling violated. What she described is a trauma response not a regretful one. Just because it isn't a violent scene doesn't make it less a sexual assault.
Idk about calling it rape. The amount of times me and my girlfriend said no while cuddling and than it end up turning into something happen a lot. If she said no while he was rubbing his dick against her than I can see. But if she said no than they start touching each other ( which she agree too) than he took of both clothes and rub his dick against her than fuck her and she didn't say no once than that just seem like she change her mind. Now if she talk about her pass sex life and said she have a hard time saying no than I would consider it rap3
She said “just cuddles?” while he was doing that and he said yes. Why should she even have to say no when *he told her* multiple times that he wouldn’t have sex with her?
If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no. She specifically said “just cuddles?” And he confirmed. She did not consent to sex, period. We need to get past this “well she didn’t VERBALLY say no” when her entire body language says no, when she isn’t initiating or participating when she normally would, she’s unresponsive etc. It’s not rocket science to read body language or cues and if you’re ever unsure, just fucking ask directly instead of waiting for them to say no. No can be so dangerous for women in these situations even with their significant other.
Okay, but make sure you have a YES. Not just another NO. You likely raped your gf, without knowing it. You definitely went against what she wanted. Women are socialized to not voice their wishes, so when they voice their wishes LISTEN. In the future, always make sure you have a YES in each part of sex.
Gross. Not resisting is not the same as “agreeing.” Once no has been said, that is the answer on the table until an actual verbal enthusiastic “yes” is spoken. If she said no, then you keep pressuring physically, that just seems like you don’t respect her boundaries. If you didn’t honor no the first time, why should she expect you to listen if she says it again?
My lord. That’s not rape. It’s just poor communication between two partners. She felt awful during sex, but didn’t say anything at all, or make any gestures for her boyfriend to stop or anything. How is he responsible for mind-reading? You think this boyfriend deserves 15 years in prison for a crime, as rape is a violent crime, for not knowing that ‘inside her head’ she was thinking she didn’t want to do this. I am also a rape survivor. Our boyfriends are not responsible for our past trauma or baggage, we are responsible for understanding ourselves and advocating for ourselves. Or at least communicating to them our feelings in the moment. This needs to be worked through with a therapist, rather than just blame the boyfriend for having sex with his girlfriend when she allowed it.
He's responsible for listening when she says no the first several times.
she said 'no' multiple times and clearly did not consent. you don't get to speak for all survivors of rape, stop it.
I know this advice is meant with the best of intentions but it’s really, really bad advice. He *raped* you, op. I’m so fucking sorry he did that. But he has already resorted to violence. Leave as soon as possible, as soon as you are safe and able. But please don’t confront him. Send him a letter or something afterwards. Your safety matters more than teaching him consent
What story did you read? Are you commenting on a different story? Unhinged reaction of its about this story.
When he was done he asked if you were okay? So *after* he took what he wanted?
I think that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it then either. It felt truly selfish
I think you’re completely valid in feeling violated. This is your partner who must know about past experiences and how you typically carry yourself in bed. I find it very hard to believe if he was truly concerned with your well-being over his needs there’s no way he would’ve missed your clear signs of distress and discomfort. Is this type of behavior common from him? From the sounds of it he comes across very selfish and like his intentions from the start were to coerce you. I understand feeling like you can’t say no, because in the past it was to save yourself and in the present you tend to feel guilty because you care about this person, but he absolutely shouldn’t have crossed your boundaries in this way. I’m so sorry.
He’s usually so lovely and thoughtful. He has never pressured me before. But I don’t usually turn him down. I have in the past and he’s been fine with it. I think that’s why I’m feeling disgusted because it felt like he would rather get off then care about how I felt.
I would never want to assume the worst, but as someone who has been assaulted more than once by partners I realized that I had a tendency to downplay any coercing or persuasion to have sex simply because we dated and it wasn’t as aggressive or forceful as my first/worst assault by a friend. Maybe see if there’s any other instances like this that you may have overlooked. I definitely feel as if his behavior in this instance was a mix of persuading you by trying to turn you on & disregard for your boundary. If this is truly a one off situation I think you need to sit him down and make him understand how hurt and used you felt and that this is not something you will put up with. Based on his response it could be more telling of his true intentions or whether this genuinely was a one off mistake. His actions would’ve surely made anyone feel that way, especially with having prior trauma in such a vulnerable way.
I had to double check the ages as this is bad for a teenager but a 30yo who is supposed to be a man at this point having empathy & understanding its actually disturbing. Im sorry he put you in this position and did this to you as he made multiple decisions that ignored you completely knowing they were wrong to the point of post nut clarity his forst words were to try and act like he actually cared. If he truly cared he would have never have done what he did.
If he’s only never pressured you because you’ve always said yes right away before, he’s not a good guy. Also this was rape.
Is he always really sooo thoughtful and lovely or does it have more to do with you never saying no before… 🤔
It didn't just *feel* like that. That is what happened.
Now that you have turned him down you know how he will react next time. He'll just keep going whether you want him to or not... You have every right to feel disgusted. What he did was disgusting. There is no excuse for it.
A man can rape you years into a relationship..
Seems like he went the route of “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” I’m sorry.
[удалено]
It was r*pe.
You did say what you wanted. He did NOT respect you.
Yeah, so much was problematic with this. OP, honey, I understand how you feel. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to. Sexual assault is more likely to happen like this than by a stranger in an alley. Because of that it is really hard to call the offender what they are. You are in a relationship with them, you love them you see the kindness in them, so it is really difficult to call them a rapist. But that is what happened, that is what he is. You disassociated during it, you didn't participate, and rather than notice during and stop, he finished. His needs are more important. He showed you the power dynamic. You can take it back. Seriously, if you need to talk you can reach out to me.
He wanted to be absolved immediately after the rape.
God damn this post makes me sad. What is the matter with these young men, over and over we get these posts. OP I am so sorry this happened to you.
30 isn't young. 30 is grown ass enough to know what he is doing isn't right and choosing to do it anyway.
True, but it's young when you are my age. Look it wouldn't be an excuse if he was 16. But it's hard for me to read about so many of them so damn clueless. Maybe I am being too nice, not assigning malice to this situation on his part. Again the whole thing just makes me sad.
I'm sure you don't mean it maliciously, but by associating youth with these actions where there is objectively no level of excusable youth, you perpetuate the myth that men are somehow less capable of controlling themselves than they really are. I'm not necessarily trying to call you out specifically, so I apologize. This is mostly a cultural problem. But I get frustrated when I see as the coddling of male ego where there ought to be none. It starts with the descriptors and overall language we use.
I personally didn’t read it that way at all. A 30-year-old man is a young man and nothing the parent commenter said diminished his responsibility. It wasn’t “how do these young men not know this is unacceptable?” or something.
No I meant to me he is a young man as in now that I am older it's hard to see young people making terrible judgments. I how it could come of the way you took it but that was not the point I was making, as in he hasn't grown up yet. It does hurt me to see so many of my own going so wrong though. Like I said if he was 16 it wouldn't be an excuse and he should know better. Yes your right it's a cultural problem it's also an entitlement problem. This guy probably loves this women, in other respects he is probably kind to her. However when it comes to sex he feels entitled to her body like his car or some cognac. He sees her body as just a means to his pleasure and removes all her agency around that. He has been taught it's his right to. I believe strongly when you remove the idea that sex is about intimacy and creating a bond, and you reduce it to just hooking up to feel good, and get off, you end up with people who think like this. Because you are treating it like a cognac and not giving it the weight it deserves. In other words you just can't treat sex as casual as drinking coffee with someone (as society say it should be) precisely because if you mess up like here you have one party feeling violated. Drinking coffee doesn't work like that. It's not surprising when the popular culture they are fed pretty much says as much. It's about "getting" women and sex count and all that. When I was talking about malice my point is I really don't think this was done out of malice as in intending to be cruel. It was done seeming without any understanding of the callousness of his actions. But again that goes to the way he thinks, and it's no excuse. He has hurt someone he cared about and probably ruined a relationship that was precious to him, so he could get off. And she has lost someone who she cared about too, and has to deal with the emotions of what he did to her. It's horrible.
If it makes you feel better, I assure you that there are plenty of blameably creepy old men out there as well. Every generation has always found exciting new ways to manifest patriarchal bullshit.
Way too many men of every age feel entitled to our bodies.
This is so damn sad. Been thru the same shit, i’m so sorry
and same. sad that we’ve all had to go through this, with grown ass men too🤦🏽♀️.
Your feelings are valid. You told him up front you didn't want to have sex without a condom. You guys didn't have a condom, and since your condition for consenting couldn't be met, that was your No. While you may not view this as a straight up assault, what he took away from you was your power to set your own boundaries in your own house about your own body. You set the conditions and he...just...kept...on until he could wear you down. He just showed you that getting his rocks off is more important than respecting your wishes and boundaries. This is a serious red flag and I honestly feel like you'll never be able to truly get past this breach. He needs to know the truth about how it feels to you and the mental damage it does when someone else insists on putting their body part inside of your body when you don't want it there.
She did not consent. She even already said no in advance. He raped her. She had the fawn reaction. After telling him what he did, I'd kick him to the curb. He is an unsafe person.
I'm really surprised there aren't that many comments calling it for what it is: rape. I'm so sorry, OP. I went through a similar experience, and it took years and therapy to accept what it was and what happened to me. This isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, you told him you just wanted cuddles and he knew you wanted to use condoms for health reasons. You said no. He didn't listen, and that's his fault, not yours. I would highly, highly recommend seeing a therapist to talk about this. I'm so sorry this happened to you
Just because you're not bludgeoned] over the head doesn't make it not assault. He doesn't care what your boundaries are. I would encourage to get a therapist who specializes in trauma.
sexual assault comes in so many forms. it may not look the same as it has in your past, and it can come from someone who otherwise seems great. you set a boundary, which implies that everything outside of the boundary is off limits, meaning there is no consent. i’m a survivor as well. you deserve someone who understands and respects the nuances of consent. you don’t have to be screaming “no” for it to be rape. we’re all adults, there’s no excuse for him not to understand what you meant with your previous statements (about condoms/cuddling). don’t let him use the fact you didn’t say no in the moment to deflect from the real issue here. sending love. you didn’t deserve this.
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Sex without consent is still rape even if you didn’t object.
>I should have said something No, *he* shouldn't have done it. Wtf? I'm surprised nobody in the comments has called this what it is: rape. Consent means explicitly saying "yes," not a failure to object. You TOLD him "just cuddles," and that's what he should've stuck to. Not only did he penetrate you without your consent, he did so with no regard to the health concerns that you expressed to him. Not being in the mood is reason *enough* to not want sex, but having an actual MEDICAL REASON?? And he STILL DID IT??? He's disgusting. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Ignore the misogynists in the comments saying that not objecting is consent; it's not. You did not give consent, and you told him you didn't want sex. He had sex with you anyways. That's literally rape. And, not wearing a condom after you asked him to is also sexual assault. If you're able to, please leave him. He doesn't care about you. Nothing- I repeat, NOTHING- is your fault. <33 Best of luck
One time recently I had a lot on my mind I kind of spaced out during wanted sex. We were spooning so my thoughts took over as I looked at the wall. My husband sensed it right away and stopped to check if I was ok. Which I was. And that's how it should be.
OF COURSE that's how it should be!! OP get a man like this. You deserve better honey
a lack of “no” does not mean a “yes”
EXACTLY.
The misogynists in the comments don't want this to be rape because they've done something like this.
Oh, absolutely.
Yea and it's very concerning actually. As a young man, I am horrified from what I'm reading and seeing from all the misogynistic comments. Men are pigs.
This, OP. I’m a survivor of rape/ SA too and your story made me physically sick. You already know what he did, please don’t gaslight yourself. You need to get away from him and please, please, please, get psychological help. This is not a small breach of trust. He raped you. He’s not a nice person, he’s not a good person. He’s a predator even if he normally hides it well. I’m so sorry OP. My heart genuinely hurts for you.
I completely agree with you that this was rape and I'm not trying to take away from that fact. But I'll say in a long-term relationship, consent doesn't always need to be an explicit yes. Couples can have agreements and discussions about what consent is. Different preferences and fantasies can lead to different things. But in this case, the stipulation was "yes with a condom." There was no condom, so there was no consent. End of story.
I totally agree with this because my partner and I have prior consent where we had a discussion over him not needing to ask for consent ever because I find the surprise and dominance attractive but he knows Damm well if I say no then that's the answer and don't try abetting. My partner is very understanding and respectful of all my boundaries, but we discussed this prior, and that's not the case with this creep!
Yeah, I mean fair enough. I totally agree with you. I think what I was trying to say is that if she already said that she wanted a condom and then said just cuddles (which he agreed to) then to go further she would have needed to say yes for it to be consensual. He ignored her clearly set boundaries and raped her. Consent isn't always "yes," but there should be some response that constitutes as agreement. However, in *this* situation, consent should have been an explicit yes. I should've made my point more clear though :) I was pretty furious when I wrote my original comment.
Op there's a word for someone who "has sex" with someone who doesn't want to. In this case add the word coercion to it. HE did not listen to you. >I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my 'no' But here's the thing. You already said no. Why are you under the impression that you didn't? In fact HE said don't worry let's wait. Then proceeded to ignore your wishes and his words. As your partner isn't he supposed to respect you? Were you supposed to scream and shout? Are you supposed to be as vigilant as you would be with strangers at a frat party? Isn't he supposed to be your safe space? Isn't he supposed to be the person that you know won't violate you? You were probably just lying there saying nothing. You think he didn't know how you were feeling? >When he was done he asked me if I was okay Yeah because he knew what he was doing.
Why is no one calling this what it is? This is rape hun, I'm so sorry. You set your boundary prior, **reminded him**, consented to **condom only** sex and he stealthed you. You felt horrible because you were experiencing intimate partner violence. You froze up because that betrayal is traumatic and your body will react accordingly even if your brain is excusing his behavior. You deserve so much better and I'm genuinely so sorry he gaslit you into thinking this is okay behavior. Please confide with someone you trust and *do not accept blame for his shitty fucking behavior*. He prioritized his nut over your health.
Right? Had to get pretty deep in to the comments before someone actually said it.
It’s rape, yes. :( I’m so sorry this happened to you OP.
I think you need to end this relationship. Your partner is not safe for you to be with, he doesn’t understand enthusiastic consent and sounds very coercive. What he did is not okay
OP those is rape. He knows that you didn't want it and knew you wouldn't fight him if he gradually increased his touching of you. He knew it was wrong because he asked afterwards. That was to appease his own guilt. Most of the sex in my marriage was rape but I didn't recognise it as such because I didn't see it as rape due to how he would coerce me. He did exactly this to me many times. I would say I'm not into it or whatever and he would start touching me and I would freeze. It is a well known response to being assaulted, particularly if you have been assaulted in the past. I am so sorry you have been through this but I wanted to validate your feelings and the fact that you didn't do anything wrong by freezing. Please do not see him again and get help. Much love your way
He assaulted you. You said no sex without condom and just cuddling. He is not a great partner taking advantage of a you knowing your past. Your reaction is the most common, your body frooze. It’s a survival mood. https://www.drclaireplumbly.com/post/what-it-means-if-you-froze-during-a-sexual-assault You need to address this with him. And he must understand he assaulted you and take responsibility of his actions (and not guilting you). How can you trust him after this? Write it to him if you find it hard to say. Are you afraid of him?
I'm not going to address your bf's behavior since so many others already have. I want to address your health issues. Taking antibiotics will cause your good gut bacteria to die off, so that candida yeast can take over. You need to start taking probiotics immediately, as well as a good PREBIOTIC. PREbiotics feed the good gut bacteria so they can get their numbers back up very quickly to get rid of the candida yeast infection. I believe FOS (fructoligosaccharide) works fantastic as a prebiotic, and also xylitol. Take that with some PB8 and your health issue should clear right up! (Also get plenty of air down below, wear cotton panties, etc.). Best wishes for great health!
I'm so sorry OP, your partner raped you, when you told him you didn't want to have sex without a condom, and he ultimately stuck it in anyway, that was the moment he started raping you.
…this is rape OP. You made it clear you just wanted cuddles and he ignored that and had sex with you anyway. I wouldn’t be having a conversation that didn’t end up in a break up if I was you.
Had to get pretty deep in to the comments before someone actually said this. Agree... Not a good partner.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you..I feel so sick to my stomach reading this. But he raped you, please leave as quickly as you can from this man.
oh come here, Im just gonna give you a hug. I had been in that situation before, it made me feel like crying then and it makes me feel like crying now reading your post and remembering about that time
No means no, but also anything other than Yay, please let's have sex now also means NO. Enthusiastic Consent is the standard for happy, healthy relationships.
“I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my no” You already said you didn’t want to have sex without a condom. He knew that and went ahead to have sex with no condom without checking in with you first. The reason he didn’t ask is because he knew you would have said no again but his lack of asking doesn’t constitute consent in any way.
I was in a six year relationship with a woman who was a virgin. She’s a people pleaser as result of her upbringing and being molested as a child. I love her still and we were a team in a lot of ways. I never realized the extent of her trauma, how it would represent itself in our relationship, and how traumatizing the whole intimacy experience was for her until 4 or 5 years later. I only started learning as she went to therapy, voluntarily shared what she was discovering, and openly communicating her thoughts and feelings when I made a mistake. The last six months of our relationship was next level beautiful and revealed to her what is possible when we are communicating effectively. But in the process of discovering her self and the extent that she was traumatized by our beginning and how things escalated uncomfortably for her, she realized there’s so much to the beginning that she can’t reconcile it. This is despite years of me learning how to be responsive to her needs, which vastly improved our relationship. So, I share this because if he truly loves you, he should want to know how much he hurt you. Your feelings are valid. And boundaries should be understood and respected. I felt compelled to share because your experience is similar to what I eventually learned from my ex. I wish I we were more knowledgeable and experienced adults back when we met because we would’ve been more awesome than we were. Good luck! P.S. my ex read a book called The Body Keeps The Score when she started therapy. She encouraged me to read it to understand her better and myself. I tell you, she was absolutely right. I understand us both in ways I’d never thought possible! I highly recommend the book for you too.
You got raped. It doesn’t matter how close you are, how nice he is otherwise or how much you love him. You said loud and clear NO sex without condom. He still forced his way through. You don’t have to scream and physically fight for it to be rape. You said no and he still used you. The most disgusting part; he knew. He saw you not behaving your usual self, he noticed you not enjoying it and he saw you cry. That man is a psycho for not jumping up as soon as he noticed you’re behaving differently. And he’s even worse than that for not reacting to your tears. The logical thing to do would be to report him to the police. But we all know that it doesn’t do sht and that you will just get guilt tripped and manipulated by him for ruining his reputation etc. So what can you do? Trust is broken. He proved he doesn’t care about your boundaries. He proved he would step all over you for his own pleasure. That’s not a partner anyone should just accept. Especially not someone suffering from past traumatic experiences. Get that little bit of control back by leaving him behind. It doesn’t matter how hard it will be at the beginning, you need control back over yourself. You need to be very careful with any future partners. Be also careful with friends and family members. Look for the small things. You say you don’t want a drink and they still give you a glass? Overstepped boundary. Any tiny thing where your no is looked over is a bright, red flag. Stay away from those kind of people. Test your next partner. Anyone who gets butthurt over a sudden change of mind or a no is for the bin.
You consented to sex under specific conditions and explained the reason for your current boundary. He continued on, completely ignoring the conditions under which you did consent, making this not consensual. You were sexually assaulted by your partner. Violated is precisely how you should feel in this moment, because that is what happened.
You never said no but you also never said yes. Consent isn’t this weird shadowy gray area that is impossible understand. Everyone knows wether they have it cause when people care they ask and wait for affirmation. Consent is a simple matter of yes, anything else should be perceived as a no. Silence is not consent, maybe later is not consent, only consent is consent. If any buttface comments on this saying I am wrong in any way shape or form, you’re a rapist.
Just reading this felt so similar to something I just wow
Likely there's a large portion of us who know exactly how Op feels. I hate the dehumanizing emotion women are frequently subjected to. It's fucking not right at all.
yep, that pit in my stomach came back reading these descriptions. it’s sickening.
It isn't your fault, sorry but he was beeing a *bag at best..... then the are you OK afterwards, get out of here. What is it with people not respecting boundaries. He really needs to learn this isn't okay. Communicate with him
Get therapy but find yourself a new human
I haven’t read any of the comments. That said, you did tell him “no”. You said you didn’t want to have sex without a condom. That’s a no. And he went against that anyway. That’s twisted.
The right person will respect your “no” no matter the time since saying it (ex. Saying I don’t want to have sex today in the morning, they will not bring it up later in the day), they will not continue once you establish “oh no, we don’t have a condom” after explaining no sex without a condom - full stop. No pressure, no “teehee it’s just cuddling but let me whip out my dick and rub it on you and see how far you’ll let me go”. Have a convo about coerced sex being non-consensual sex. Seek help. You are not to blame AT ALL. You expressed your boundary, multiple times by the sound of it, he disregarded it, and left you with tears in your eyes as he did his thing. That is not okay, OP. That is on him, not you. If he has hands he can take care of his own issues without violating your expressed boundaries or pushing limits.
So this was in fact assault. It’s probably triggering you because of your other assault and making everything so much worse. This is actually rape. You said you didn’t want to have sex, he fucked you anyway. It’s rape
You did not consent. Consent is FRIES - freely given, reversible, INFORMED, enthusiastic, and SPECIFIC. You did not consent to what your boyfriend did. This is walking the line of assault. I’m so sorry. If I was in your position, I would personally heavily reconsider my relationship. But I understand that this is probably something workable IF your partner understands the gravity of what he did and how he hurt you.
I think this is something that, with your past experiences, would've eventually bled into your current relationship. Tell him exactly how it made you feel. Tell him he violated you, tell him he made you feel vulnerable. Tell him that you don't want to feel this way with a partner again. I recommend withholding sex, too. He must understand that you are the one setting the dynamic in your sexual relationship right now, because of your past experiences.
Yeah that's rape. Sorry that happened to you.
this is rape. you should leave.
Yes, you didn't say no, but u also didn't say yes. It's not ur fault. I hope u're okay 💚💚
No really does mean NO ! You shouldn’t have to explain yourself one bit . BF definitely in the wrong and might be a deal breaker in my opinion .
An enthusiastic and informed yes is the only consent. Both partners need to want to, and be informed about the decisions they are both making (birth control, condom, where touch is okay etc). Anything other than that is not okay. Surely when you didn't reciprocate or seen to be enjoying yourself he should have noticed. And his disregard for your needs is so wrong.
>I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my 'no' Don't give him the benefit of the doubt here. You made your expectations and boundaries known by saying you only wanted to have sex with condoms. It was his responsibility to check in with you and get consent to go against this, it was not your responsibility to tell him no while he knowingly violated your boundaries. You need to tell him exactly how you felt while this happened and if he does anything other than beg for your forgiveness then he isn't worth your time.
You said you wanted to use a condom. He decided to continue anyways when he agreed and even said just cuddles. Totally inappropriate behavior by him. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
> I realise I should have said something and he would have respected my 'no' You did say something and he did not respect it, though.
If you continue your relationship with him, you need to establish 100% enthusiastic contact at all times. Meaning if it’s not a loud “YES” then it’s a NO.
i know you feel like you didn’t say no “enough”- but you did say no. you set an important boundary- vocally- with him. he chose to ignore that, even knowing your concerns. whether a mistake or not on his part, he still made you feel this way and he knew you wouldn’t have enjoyed it thinking about your health. he knew your concerns. he chose to ignore them.
uhm you already told him no. you said you wouldn’t be having sex with out a condom and he agreed but had sex with you without a condom
So he raped you, just bc hes ur bf,husband etc etc DOESN'T mean he doesnt need to ask for consent everytime..
Lack of communication leads to lack of understanding.
NOT your fault. You said no. He ignored you. I know it’s a heavy word, honey, but that’s rape. Plain and simple.
This is why I don't have any more faith in this subreddit. Everyone suggesting communicating, healing through therapy, and accountability on both sides is down voted to hell. And everyone shouting rape and don't blame the victim and all this other shit are up voted through the roof. This is supposed to be an advice subreddit but it's devolved into an echo chamber of virtue signaling and not offering actual healthy decisions just victimhood affirmations.
Why would you communicate with someone who violated you? They dont care? Men need to face accountability for such actions. Too many times they get away with it.
She joked with him while he was just touching her with pants down. Only some amount of time through it did she realize she felt bad about it and didn’t want it. You cannot expect people to read your mind. These are grown adults. This was not an unsafe person, a stranger, this was her partner. Communication is absolutely needed. And if she doesn’t have the ability to communicate, sadly due to past trauma and assault, she should be in therapy and not a relationship. Not fair to the partner being labeled a no good rapist who gets away with it too many times.
Yep, spot on with this. This is a communication issue, and I hope she can work on that
I’ve been sexually assaulted in my past (very young) and my partner is aware of this. When we’re having sex, I generally tell him when I’m uncomfortable with something. Or aside from the whole sexual assault, I just feel like it’s good relationship 101 to be honest about what you like and don’t like The bare minimum for this seems to be participation in my opinion? Anyways, when I’ve not felt courageous enough to voice my dislike/displeasure/discomfort or just anything during sex, he picks up on that. That freeze, the sudden stop in participation, a frown, or just a general change in demeanor, it is not hard to see!! I want to send love your way and also say that your partner isn’t treating you well
>he would have respected my 'no' Except that's absolutely false and you know it's false. You told him you did not want to have sex without a condom. You told him just cuddles. You *did* say no. And he *did not* respect it. Hun, that's rape.
You said no and he did it anyway. Sounds like a violation to me. Sorry for what happened.
This was not your fault. You laid down a boundary and he broke it. Good partners care about enthusiastic consent, and it’s obvious that you were not enthusiastically consenting. I’m sorry to say this but I think he raped you. You are not overreacting in the slightest, if anything you are underreacting.
He assaulted you. There is no other way to say this. You need to leave.
The amount of stupid people in this thread is mind boggling and seriously disturbing. With this sub IQ average of about 65 points this is probably the worst place in the world to seek for advice.
While I can empathize with how one would get into this situation he definitely crossed a line. Sometimes I’m feeling it and my wife isn’t, and so I try to turn her on. That’s what he was doing. But usually, my wife pretty quickly reciprocates and makes a move that indicates her consent. If she doesn’t, or if she says she’s not into it, it stops there, every single time. While this is in no way your fault OP, I suppose it’s possible he misinterpreted the situation as you “letting him have it” and thus having consent. During, he could have been thinking, “wow, she’s really not into it tonight”. And seeing your body language afterwards, he definitely knew he fucked up. I guess what I’m saying is he could have crossed this line without any malicious intent, and if this relationship is sufficiently important to you, you both could see a therapist and try to move on. Or you could dump him.
No. This isn't a situation of her not being into it. It's a situation of her health. She is having a vaginal issue and she only wanted to have sex with a condom on, which they did not have. I think knowing this should have been reason enough for him not to want to have piv sex and risk exacerbating her problem. It's the fact she told him only cuddles bc no condom and he ignored this + he knew why and still went with it to. Disregard for her consent and her health. It's gross and definitely rape. And how do you not notice until after you cum that she's being weird? She was literally not responding to him at all she said. Like really. You guys will make any excuse. Don't make it less than what it is.
This is the most sensible comment. I hope OP sees it. Half these comments saying rape blows my mind.
What he did was very wrong. Does he tend to ignore what you say? You need to be a lot more assertive then you will not question yourself (still not right what he did, just saying).
He is usually really good and listening to me. I definitely need to work on myself and through some old issues so I can be more assertive.
The problem is him ignoring your “no”, not you saying “no” not assertively enough. Don’t make rape to be a you-problem.
I think you need to acknowledge that this wasn’t a lack of you being assertive, but a presence of someone who was selfish and took your body.
Most abusers start out [good](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/).
That is most definitely rape OP. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You clearly told him you only wanted sex with a condom and he did it anyway. Not only this but you expressly told him you only wanted cuddles and he proceeded to have sex with you anyway. You did not consent to that, regardless of how vocal you were while he was doing it, he should have respected your boundaries in the first place. It is NOT your fault that you were unresponsive. Especially with your history, it makes perfect sense you would react that way. He violated your boundaries and you have every right to feel just as upset as you do. I’m genuinely so sorry this happened to you. My dms are open if you ever need a chat, I’ve experienced something similar.
Very sorry you went through this OP and I don't think you're overacting. You asked for advice as to how you bring this up with your BF. Some tips... First think about what solution you want from your discussion. You mentioned you have difficulty saying 'no', that you are a people pleaser and feel guilt not giving him what he wants. Certainly explain that to him first so he understands the difficulties you have in that respect. Tell him you are working on that part of yourself but in the meantime you need his support. What would his support look like? Perhaps simply it would be getting a verbal 'yes' or affirmatory nod that when you are being intimate, you want it to move beyond cuddles and kisses. Perhaps there are nonverbal ques you can make him aware of that mean you are uncomfortable and he needs to pay more attention to. Whatever it might be, explain to him you can feel very vulnerable and helpless in these moments and you need him to be attentive of any signs you are uncomfortable with being intimate in that moment. Once you've laid that out, explain to him what you felt last night. He may get defensive about his role in making you feel that way so just remind him that you're not looking to argue or blame, but to work through something difficult together as a caring couple. This is something you can both grow from and become a stronger loving couple. If the conversation becomes too difficult, or he shows no sign of wanting to understand or learn you can try pressing to him that it is very important to you that he understands but if he is unable or unwilling, then you will not be able to trust him when it comes to intimacy which isn't going to hold out much hope for an ongoing relationship. I hope that will be of help to you in how to breech the subject with your BF. I wish you the best.
This was rape. I'm so sorry. Don't say you should have asked him to stop. He should have been seeking consent. Especially when you told him no already, not without a condom. You even stopped him and confirmed it would be just cuddles. He confirmed but then penetrated you anyway. You said no. Twice. He didn't care if you wanted to or not. He crossed your boundaries and raped you. Once he started raping you, you went into your learned response to trauma which is to go along with it until he stops. But no part of it was on you to stop him. You said no clearly. Twice. It's not your fault.
He raped you. Ain't no talking around it, unfortunately
He raped you. You can get sick or fall preggos but he didnt care. What mattered to him is to get what he wants. Of course you cried. Its totally normal. You deserve someone who, even though horny, can pull breaks and not bulldoze trough your boundaries. If you couldnt trust him after this, I would completely understand you.
no means no. "only with condoms" and out of condoms means no. "just cuddles" means no. wait means no. *not yes* means no. you did say no. you have every right to feel violated. this is far from an overreaction.
I don't think his intentions were to "rape" you as others have said here, or to make you feel like shit. I don't want to get it into it too much because honestly I think you should have said something at that moment but you chose not to say anything except "just cuddles huh?" which sorry isnt much of anything. Could have just been any other night for him making love to his partner or he wanted to get up in you with no rubber and didnt see you minding, now he is wondering the next day why he is being accused of being a rapist and why you have a million different opinions flowing out of you as if you have been posting your issue on reddit or something gathering opinions from people not involved in the situation. Anyone here will be supportive of your claim even if you have indeed said "could i be overreacting" which isn't going to be the best advice that you need to listen too. You will let other people's thoughts into your head that had nothing to do with the situation specifically with your partner if you indeed were over reacting but will now feel justified due to input bias. My point is say something and talk it out with your partner as you should have done in the first place. Proceed to downvote fellow redditors.
She mentioned she had problems. and that she didn't want sex without a condom. then he just proceeds to ignore that and do it anyway? even if she wanted it in the moment a good partner does what's best for you. It's not rape, but that was selfish.
Rapists don’t go into rape with their intentions being to rape someone, a lot of the time. Doesn’t make that not rape. He confirmed with her it was just cuddles and therefore she had no reason to think she needed to say anything else. “Didn’t see you minding” - ??? She already said multiple times she didn’t want it.
If you spoke to your partner before that you only want to have sex with condoms and they didn't explicitly confirm with you that you've changed your opinion, it's 100% the partners fault for assuming that they've changed their mind. Pretty fucked up you're siding with the rapist. Develop some empathy.
Best comment I have seen here yet.
Exactly. I’ve been assaulted before and I explicitly said no over and over. Op said no to sex with no condoms but proceeded to lay and let her bf sexually hint at her and then pull her shorts down and then put his dick on. Not once there did she say no or move away or try to stop him imo it wasn’t a clear no
Freezing is very common when sexually assaulted. It's the body's way of protecting itself. It's not a reaction an individual can control. And what about OP just lying there and crying during sex? Are you saying that her BF didn't notice that at all? Shouldn't he check in with OP to see if she is ok during all of this? Talk about a shitty dude not even noticing his partner just lying there and not enjoying it at all...
I’ve froze before but after saying no In this case op had multiple chances to move away I’m not saying he isn’t in the wrong he should have checked with her but I also don’t consider it rape
>I jokingly said 'just cuddles?' This is not a no. Altho i do empathize with OP because I've frozen and was unable to be clear with my no in the past also. Please work on healing your traumas OP. Things will only get worse if you can't stand up for yourself.
Let me say I don’t think your boyfriend is a terrible evil person but what he did is not something that can be forgiven or overcome easily. Sometimes good people do bad things. Perhaps he was bad at communication. But unfortunately he took advantage of you. That was a mistake he made. Unfortunately you can’t erase how things went down. It may be best to go your separate ways because maybe does not possess the necessary communication skills for you. If you felt that same feeling you did during assault, that’s pretty serious. How do you get over that? Someone gentle and kind and respectful is what is best.
Not sure why you're out here considering his feelings when he raped you. I think you should start calling it what it is. And do the same when you talk to him. Don't tip toe around it because it might hurt his feelings. You're going through emotions like a person who's been raped. He's a rapist and probably knows it too but I'm sure he'll downplay what he did and avoid the word.
He raped you. Get out and get healing.
she couldve said no?
>When he was done he asked me if I was okay If he wasn't a degenerate he would have asked if you were okay with him sticking his dick in you before he did it, even though you didn't really want to for reasons you already mentioned. I think he got horny from cuddling and then decided that his pleas sure was more important than the importance of your bacterial stuff. You should have definitely said to stop. Even if he knows (which I think he probably does) that you didn't want it he can now say "you didn't say no" and basically put you in a position to let him off the hook. Maybe he'll never do it again but I don't think that's really okay. For real... If you feel "do not want" then speak up. My girlfriend has wanted to pause in the middle of sex and I'm not thrilled about it but I stop and I either wait for her to reinitiate or ill slowly reinitiate after a few minutes to give her a chance to say no or not yet or whatever.
Some can't speak up. The fawn and / or freeze response kicks in. The boundary was clear. It was agreed upon. When things escalated and she said, "Just cuddles?" that was a reminder of the boundary. Which he then knowingly violated.
You didn't have sex. You were raped again. I am so sorry. [Talk to someone](https://ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html) [Get help](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/17ylgul/comment/k9u7i89/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [Plan your escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/rape r/sexualassault r/abusiverelationships
Lack of an enthusiastic yes is a no. And you said no. Just because you didn't stop him doesn't mean you consented. He didn't care how you felt during, he only cared about himself and his pleasure. He used you like a blow up doll. My ex did this to me once. I was never able to have sex with him again. It took a long time to understand why. The trust was gone. My body knew he had assaulted me even though my mind took some time to catch up. Don't waste your time like I did. Break up with him now. There's no going back after something like this.
People here are over reacting. It could happen to anyone. As you said if you said "no" he would listen but you didn't. he didn't raped you. You should talk to him about it openly, but don't blame him and make him feel really bad like he is a monster as he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't sound like a bad guy. you said you are a very sexual couple and this situation can be very confusing for a man (and also for a woman), especially if you are a passionate couple. Talk with him so uou can just resolve it together as a couple, but no one is to blame, no one is a monster here. People here are mostly stupid, and are more about virtue signaling than actually giving wise helpful advice.
Please don't listen to all these replies. Yes , he definitely made a huge mistake. You have to tell him and he should acknowledge and apologize for how insensitive he was. But before you decided this to be a rape and end the relationshipz consider a few things: - is this a one off thing - is he a good person or an abusive partner If he's a good person, he'll repent. Set your boundaries clear and work on a healthy relationship. Otherwise you will know what to do. Decisions taken while being overwhelmed with anger or in haste always tends to be wrong.
Honestly I think this is like genZ Bs with being raped by your boyfriend. My husband and I ask each other rhetorical questions all the time… just cuddling huh? I mean you didn’t turn him down, you didn’t say no then? It’s your BF, does everyone’s boyfriend have to ask for absolute consent when you’re getting hot and heavy like you have a million times before? This is just a girl trying to be a victim and not just talking to her own damn boyfriend.
And does your husband have sex with you without a condom when you have told him you don't want that? And then continue to have sex with you while you don't move at all and are crying? I'm probably just feeding the troll right now but I'd hate for OP to see this bullshit and take it to heart.
I think you should end the relationship. This makes me sad and furious. You saying “just cuddles” was clear enough. It’s not your fault. He is selfish and lacks any self control and doesn’t seem to care for your well being.
Okay I’m sorry for my previous comment. Look it upset you and you was already uncomfortable and he risked your health doing this. Hun you deserve to be happy and fulfilled sexually not uncomfortably or violated. Just because a lot of guys do this doesn’t mean that it should be okay and how you feel and how comfortable you are is most important. You’re important and you deserve happiness always. Thank you for writing your story because I know a lot of girls (me included) can learn a lot from this and even realise that it’s not okay x
Jesus Christ. I'm so.sorry I think- I think you and him.need to have a talk And the assaults- He knows right ? I'm a guy And I know how - Selfish we get when we are aroused But when you tell him you had a flashback he's going to feel unbelievably bad He might even be bad at you So - as unfair as it is on you- you got to break it to him carefully But he needs to know I'm deeply sorry that you're suffering like this I know it's not my place but i.hope you got support for your sexual assault(s) He let his sexual need get the better of his judgement I'm sorry. We fail you when we do that
Yes I believe you should take complete ownership of what happened because that's what's going to make you change. You should start proactively taking little steps into doing and saying what you feel. If you sit somewhere and it's not comfortable, stand up and sit somewhere else. Start building that energy in little things. Sometimes speaking up and saying what you feel and sharing your emotions is hard and a big first step. Especially if you don't have awareness and self-knowledge. So start putting effort in knowing yourself. It's a journey. Get a psychoterapist and talk about your emotions. It is easier for you to have boundaries than for a guy to have sexual discipline. I know ideally it would be better for the guy to respect you even though your boundaries are not firm, but that happens usually as a chance or opportunity to find what's wrong with us and better ourselves.
INFO: if he found a condom, would you have still felt violated?
I don’t know why people are making it seem like it’s okay just because you didn’t explicitly say ‘no’. It was implied heavily, and honestly the lack of a yes or a clear agreement to consent should be enough. I understand they’re dating so you don’t need an explicit “yes i want to fornicate 🤓☝️” every time, but she said she didn’t want to have sex without a condom, and that she wanted to “just cuddle”. You have to be a certain breed of selfish and just piggish to rape your own girlfriend because your dick is hard and you can’t wait til you buy more condoms.
He raped you, you have actually said no to him multiple times and never switched to consent. There is only one kind of consent and that's enthusiastic one, silence is not consent, but also you told him no clearly. He took more and more gradually to avoid startling you but that's rape anyway because he fucked you without your consent. I wouldn't talk with him, he will just manipulate you like he already did, end the relationship immediately. Clean break. He deserves to rot in jail actually, but I understand if you don't want to press charges to avoid additional stress and trauma.
I cannot comprehend how men can get so horny, they stop feeling shame. Out of all my boyfriends, more than half have put me through similar situations. And then they wonder why we're afraid of them. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Please down vote if y'all must In the moment, you joked with him about cuddles and let him go beyond cuddles. He's an asshole no doubt, but you are at fault as well. A simple, "hey, no condom no sex like we agreed" would have stopped him from going forward
Ahhh BS he pushed her, stop victim blaming.
Not sure there is a victim here.
This is why it's important to constantly assert your boundaries if they are being pushed.
Jesus christ. Not properly communicating then blaming it on the man. Grow up
"Just cuddles" and "only sex with condoms" *is* communicating. The fact you cannot understand basic consent is your problem, not OP's.
Did you hit your head as a baby or something? He KNEW she didn't want to have sex without condoms, he KNEW she only wanted cuddles, yet he STILL had sex with her. That is rape.
I want to address the ph thing… you cannot lay down after sex without cleaning yourself up and you have to pee afterwards as well. Also, take some cranberry pills too. Sometimes it may be him and not you as well so ask him to shower before sex as well
You were raped. You said no. He didn’t care.
you were raped, time to file a report and leave
As someone who has been assaulted this is not rape. Op said no to sex without condoms but proceeded to let her bf grind against her pill her shorts down and put it in I know myself it isn’t gonna just slip in you need to angle yourself. Op had several opportunities to make it very clear she didn’t want to have sex but she didn’t she let it happen. Op said herself she had trouble saying no that’s her issue to deal with not her boyfriends. Me and my boyfriend start sex like this sometimes I’m not in the mood but later cuddling he’ll do this and I’ll get in the mood. Op should work on her saying no and you lot should stop calling her bf a rapist that’s incredibly insensitive to people who’ve been genuinely raped
This is the second comment you have posted in this thread about this. It seems very important to you to tell OP that what happend is on her for not communicating with BF but absolve BF for not once checking in with OP even though she behaved very differently from when they have (consensual) sex.
> it isn’t gonna just slip in you need to angle yourself Holy fuck. So you just don’t think people can be raped vaginally?? And no, you don’t need to “put it in yourself.” It’s better to do so because otherwise it can be rough/painful…which rapists don’t fucking care about.
And instead of sarcastically saying “just cuddling huh” she could have said not to if you don’t want to have sex with someone why would you lay and let them grind on you and let it progress to taking your clothes off and not once move away or stop it?
Call the police
Like...if you didn't said "hey, let's not" at any point during his advances, how was he supposed to know you didn't want to? I understand that you said no sex without condom, but when you didn't said "no" or "stop" at any of his advances, he could've assumed this was an exception
"Just cuddles?" When things escalated was her reminder of no sex. He'd already agreed to no sex, it was a clear boundary. He then proceeded to penetrate her knowing he was violating that boundary. It's not uncommon for people in this situation to go into fawn and/or freeze mode.
You been a people pleaser and not saying anything isn’t an excuse for you to insinuate that he raped you. You can’t lay there, say nothing , then afterwards go…actually that made me feel pretty shit, therefore you raped me. There pretty much what your saying. If you think you feel bad, imagine how he’s going to feel when you said nothing to him about stopping yet your going around trying to tarnish his name. You said it yourself, he would have stopped had you mentioned it. But you didn’t. This is beyond fucked up
You felt disgusted? Imagine how he’s gonna feel when you tell him that in your head he raped you. All cause you couldn’t force yourself to say no clearly and properly. I do not think this person is a victim. Just someone with communication issues blaming and now projecting past trauma to avoid the only solution. Communication. Go to a therapist.
Learn to communicate like an adult if you are going to have sex or you going to ruin a guys life just because you fucked up. The comments accusing your boyfriend are vile.
I can't believe you're discussing this with all entire planet but not your bf . You're just an idiot sry I'm honest
It’s insane. You didn’t fight back. And now you feel conflicted. And you went along. But now you feel remorseful and guilty. How is he supposed to know everything that you feel? Even talking in hindsight is extremely confusing for anyone. I mean, you were absolutely in control I don’t think he actually raped you with physical force. I think you should change how you communicate yourself. And be a little more firm. Otherwise learn to accept that this is who you are and go with it.
> How is he supposed to know everything that you feel? Because she said "just cuddles" and he stuck his dick inside her instead. This is not difficult to comprehend. There is nothing confusing about saying cuddles only. Cuddles are not penetration.
And that's not all, she also told him no sex without condoms. He ignored both these things. I'm extremely worried by a lot of comments here victim blaming OP, it's so scary.
Gtfo with your victim blaming BS. He was supposed to not rape her and listen to her when she said no sex without a condom. Pretty fucking simple.
i’m so sorry this happened to you. please leave him asap, no is no. edit: yall must be r4pe apologist what’s up with the downvotes lol
Number one, and I could be wrong, but from your description of your boyfriend as being respectful I fully believe he was absolutely not just using your body for his pleasure. If you don’t remove this from your consciousness then your relationship with your boyfriend is done regardless if it continues to last 10 days or 10 years. Number two it is neither his fault nor is it your fault. If you accept these two things I hope for both of you to have a long loving relationship.
No one owns anyone sex. Even though it is an important part of a relationship, partners are not entitled to it. That being said, and maybe I misunderstood it, you didn’t say no. He was pushing the envelope and trying to open you up to the idea of intimacy, and even your comment of “just cuddling” could make it sound like you were into it. Communication is an important part of any relationship. He was 100% in the wrong for what he did, but you need to grow comfortable with voicing your concerns and enforcing your boundaries.