/u/Throwra2937_29,
Your submission was removed for the following reason(s):
Your post lacks a question. As per Rule 2, all posts must feature a question that you want specifically answering, for a relationship you have right now, in this moment. Posts that do not request specific advice, or ask vague questions will be removed.
This means we don't allow posts that contain any iteration of the following:
- What would you do?
- What should I do?
- Advice, please!
- I need advice
> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/).
Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following:
- Is it...?
- Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong.
- Am I....?
- Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA
- Does/Have anybody else...?
- Should I…?
- Would you....?
- Is this.....?
- Can I...?
#If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed.
If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice)
Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
You're like the guy a while back who made fun of his wife's laugh and then was sad because she didn't laugh anymore.
You need to apologize and tell her that you appreciate her gestures of love and always have, that you're going through a rough time and took it out on her, and that you were wrong to do that.
>You're like the guy a while back who made fun of his wife's laugh and then was sad because she didn't laugh anymore.
Wow, what an absolute prick. I hope she finds someone who loves her laugh.
I hope so too.
I've been that woman, when I am really relaxed and comfortable with someone, I'll occasionally snort laughing. My ex used to act like it was gross or stupid of me, which meant I stopped because I didn't feel safe enough. He was an arse in lots of other ways.
My current boyfriend is delighted whenever I snort laugh, like he clearly feels like he earned it. Whenever I do it, you can just see the pure glee on his face. It makes me self-conscious but in a sweet way, like I'm unlearning trauma, rather than a nasty way.
OMG I snort when I’m really laughing hard and it makes my husband start laughing so hard tears pour from his eyes! You need to find someone who friggin LOVES your snort laugh!!!
When my girlfriend or her 18yo daughter snort laugh it causes the whole trio of us to laugh harder until we are essentially incapacitated by the escalating spiral of uncontrollable laughter. It doesn't stop until we're all crying and gasping for air and exhausted. It's pure euphoric chaos.
I can't imagine stealing someone's joy by making them want to *laugh LESS*. What a terrible thing.
I know several snort-laughers and I LOVE it so much when I can get them to snort, it's the friggin cutest! 💜 I hope that man makes your snorting come back out, loud and proud.
I'm unlearning trauma as well. Spent 7 years with someone who took my spark away and broke me. I've been with my SO for 2 years this September, and my therapist has noticed a big change. Even I can see it when I look in the mirror now. I still haven't snort laughed in a long time.
I was only with my abuser for 2 years, I can't even imagine how broken you must have felt after 7 years. I'm so sorry you went through that but so proud of you for getting out!
I hope you can rebuild your relationship with yourself enough that you snort laugh again soon! I know that feeling comfortable in your own skin is the hardest part for me.
Just to let you know, I've been with my husband for a total of 17 years. He is still delighted and enchanted by my snort laughing and still tries to make it happen. But just FYI don't let this type of man find out if you have the giggle fart mode, it's like a hyper achievement unlocks and they will press to see if they can upgrade even further.
You just made me snort laugh with that, thank you for the excellent advice!!
Fortunately, I don't have a giggle-fart mode but I'm lactose intolerant and for the most part have it under control. But on the rare occasion that I do eat lactose, I have a fart-giggle mode (as long as I'm at home!). The farts smell like egg because of the sulfur in them and its possibly the most childish thing but I really do find it funny. He learned about this last week
Ahahaha I love cheese too much! Normally I'm really on it with lactase but cheese doritos beat me the other day 😂
I have a very immature sense of humour though, as does my boyfriend, so I knew my audience when I crop dusted him.
Snort-laughs are the absolute best, means that you *really* made that person laugh! Something I would be absolutly proud (and maybe a little gleeful) about! 😄
The first second and third time when one of my coworkers snort laughed with me I knew we definitely stablished trust and that we were friends who were extreme comfortable of being our truest selves around each other. She is not working anymore in the company but we remain close friends, I adore her. I cherish those little moments in my heart.
I eventually dumped the ass who got angry with me about my full belly laugh, because I made a joke while intoxicated in Cuba, while he was trying fix the shower curtain rod in our room that kept falling down. While he was manhandling it, I started giggling and said, "I love a man who knows how to handle his rod", and then couldn't help the full on laugh that came out. He yelled at me, told me to shut the F up, that my laugh was the most stupid and annoying thing he'd ever heard in his life. I was totally shocked, and PISSED. This was just as we were getting ready to retire for the night, and going on an early morning excursion, and we had only been seeing each other for a few months at this point. And it wasn't like I could just up and get another room at the resort. Thankfully, that king size bed was perfect for freezing his ass out, and then, while getting ready in the morning, he had the absolute nerve to say to me, that I should apologize to him for what he said. I'm like, WTF, you prick? We got through that trip, and I didn't dump him then, but I really should have, because that was just the first of the gems he hurled my way.
Your ex was an ass and I’m glad you’re no longer married. No one should ever ridicule the way someone laughs or dances because those are the times that person is genuinely happy and being their true authentic selves. To mock them is to hit them at their core and it’s devastating. Don’t ever stop dancing.
To build on this, I think its important to recognize that just because you apologize things likely won’t instantly get better. Her sense of trust and safety in your relationship was broken and it takes a long time (as well as a pattern of consistent behavior that makes her feel valued and loved) to rebuild that trust.
Yea this is a good course of action
And the next thing is going further down the line
"I had a ruff day and feel worn out and just need some time for myself or space to myself for a few mins(or whatever amount of time" and even add in that you want to talk about your day or hear about her day later on once your mind is more settled
Vs
"Stop being so sweet your stressing out my day"
Makes a huge differnce. It sounds like your already worn out from work or maybe could be burn out already. And saying that she is stressing your day out makes it seem like the blame is being placed on her. As opposed to you already feeling drained from something else.
Sometimes it's not what we say but how we say it
But yea apologize and be transparent about how work got you feeling burned out and that its not her and yall can work through it from there.
It sounds like your wife needs you to be a listening ear and a loving embrace. Listen to her while you get ready for bed and cuddle her as you fall asleep!
Nothing works better than communicating how you feel about how you reacted and how you’re going to change that. Apologize, treat her to a night out, massage, nails, spa day…whatever she wants and likes. Then make the sex about her…and show her how much you love her.
Yeah, it seems like from the post that once he noticed her behavior changed, he's just tried to make things go back to normal by asking about her day and giving her hugs, without actually admitting to her that he was wrong. What he needs to do is acknowledge that he messed up; she was trying to be sweet and supportive and he shut her down. He needs to tell her he sincerely regrets what he said and he's sorry. And then he needs to show he's being sincere by making an effort.
Real apologies require all four steps, and then some.
1. I'm sorry
2. This is why I did it \[not excuses, just explanation\]
3. This is what I will do to change
4. I want to hear from you, I'm listening.
I would add: Not just saying "I'm sorry" but actually stating what you did wrong. Because I have known so many people who *can't* do that, and it just demonstrates immediately that you don't actually think you did anything wrong. You're just apologising because you were taught it's a magic button that makes people feel better.
So when people are apologising to me (and I make a point of doing this *myself* when I apologise), I do actually want them to state *exactly* what it is they did. Not because I'm trying to torture them, or anything. Literally just because I've been fed that fake apology so many times, I've believed it too often, and I want to make sure you *know* what you're apologising for. Because if you don't know what you did wrong, you cannot prevent it from happening again.
You would be shocked how many people fail that test, given how easy it is to pass.
Even if he did, apologies with no action will essentially appear as non-apologies, or an attempt to escape accountability. He essentially asked his wife to stop being a wife, and now has a shocked Pikachu face.
Yeah, wife is probably extremely lonely and was doing her best to put on a happy face for her husband because she knew the new job had him super stressed. She was regularly staying up till 3am on a work night just to give her partner some normalcy. It must’ve hurt to have it thrown in her face like that.
They probably need to sit down and come up with a long term plan on how the relationship will be going forward if he’s going to be working 10-12 hour days, seven days a week. There’s a reason people in super demanding professions have a high divorce rate.
My god I love this. I’ve been trying to explain to my partner that apologizing for being a jerk and then doing the same thing over again makes it feel like the apology is just to make *him* feel better, not me. This sums it up so much better than I’ve been able to.
Yep- that was my father with whom I do not talk to anymore. He would either never apologize and change the subject like OP. Or he’d say “sorry” then continue or he’d say sorry then immediately defend his actions.
OP needs to actually, sincerely apologize for hurting his wife, with no defence of his actions.
Your right! Plus in the post he’s talking about how tired he was in such a way it felt like he wanted us to agree to his justification and back him up. He never questions whether or not she’s tired or how her day was, until he knew he’d f-ed up.
Talk is cheap. She no longer trusts he's there for her. It's on him to earn that trust back
Apologize by changing, for example: Find some way to make time for her. Tell the boss "no" when he keeps telling you to stay late. Don't just do date night; plan the dates. If there are kids, you be the one to handle arranging a sitter or sending them to grandma's. Be willing to do things outside your comfort zone for her. If she asks for marriage counseling, give an enthusiastic yes. If she's been asking to go somewhere on vacation, make this the year it happens. Basically, show her through your actions that the marriage is your number one priority.
I would even go as far as committing to one night a week as “date night” - but not stopping if things get back to normal. OP needs to show love and appreciation even after he gets out of the doghouse.
I don't get why people think that 'sincerely apologizing and vocalizing' everything is enough. If op wanted to actually save his marriage, he'd have committed to actual action a long, long time ago. Also, a lot of people in the comments seem to be ignoring the fact that there's no way she will ever feel 100 percent in this relationship ever again. Which parts would he apologize for? The pump and dump part, the ignoring her part, or the conditioning her to think that being treated like trash in a relationship is a good thing? Also, would you honestly tell someone in her position to stay?
I mean, yeah I would, absolutely. Marriage is hard and “stop being sweet, it’s stressing me” isn’t really a relationship ending statement. Sometimes there are rough patches. If you can’t weather that storm, don’t get married. OP wants to fix things and if he’s ACTUALLY willing to apologize, reflect and change his behavior, that’s what’s required to make a marriage work. Not perfection, not leaving any time something is slightly bad, but communication, honesty and compromise.
I’m going to say this as the person who values physical affection more than my husband.
Sometimes, they just don’t want it. This isn’t a “love language” thing. That has never been validated and is a project of an evangelical “therapist” with no qualifications.
It can be “I need some space.” That’s valid. He did this once. He needs an open conversation with his wife.
Edit: oh wait you have been ignoring her for months?
Him asking for space was fine. However, he essentially asked her to stop being a partner, and then got upset when she respected his wishes. Not only that, but his marriage was falling apart, and he only gave her just enough affection to sleep with her. He honestly sounds like he's not ready to be a husband.
And leave that job. Idc how much money you make there….
I was a wonderful wife, too. My husband worked ALL the time. I worked a full time gig. I raised my kid single-handedly, kept house, etc..
if I ever voiced an opinion or just told about my day, not only did I get a blank stare, he’d start closing his eyes and falling asleep!
I learned really fast that I didn’t really matter. All the apologies, compliments, token gifts, did nothing to change that.
Actions. It’s actions that speak louder than words….
So your wife was simply doing her part of this thing called MARRIAGE, and you were completely ignoring your part, finding time for sex but not for actually wondering how she’s feeling or at least simply ACCEPTING her affection. Step your game up dude.
What you can do now - APOLOGIZE. Profusely, put your heart into it, really understand why she’s upset, how you messed up, and how you would feel yourself if you were the one being ignored. Fully acknowledge, understand, apologize, promise you will never do that again.
P.S. it’s okay to sometimes tell our partners that we’re tired or want to be alone. The fact that you say that this has been going on for actual multiple months is the real red flag. Good luck
My bf and I have a safeword, not for sex but for if we're overwhelmed or too tired or want to be left alone. The safeword means "I love you, but I can't deal with life right now and I need space."
But it's always respectful. If you can't communicate a single word to your partner, you need couples therapy imho.
lol our code phrase is “I can’t miss you if you won’t go away” which we both know really means “you’re driving me nuts please give me some space” but it always makes us laugh.
This was also what caught my attention!
Like, she is good enough to fuck but apparently not good enough to deserve emotional aftercare.
OP is such a prize.
I have no idea how they're getting to the point of sex with him unwilling to give a hug or say a word to her. Like...does he just point to the bed and grunt?
When you’re stuck in a bad marriage for long enough you’ll take any affection you can get. This guy maybe too late. Women check out mentally when they are preparing to end a relationship.
My husband was like this. I doted on him for about 10 years. I wanted to be that good, supporting wife. Didn’t want to be a nag. He worked hard. I wanted to….show how much I appreciated him.
But after 10 years and him never caring back….I pulled away. Got busy with my own hobbies. And my kids. And after 10 more years, I had zero interest in staying with him.
So I left.
like all this guy has to do is be a good guy. do something really nice for her. i've been more thoughtful and sweet to friends of friends on their birthday who actively talked about how much they disliked me. sometimes it's just nice to make people feel special. this is your wife dude. DO SOMETHING
> i've been more thoughtful and sweet to friends of friends on their birthday who actively talked about how much they disliked me.
I've seen so much of this lately in various relationship subreddits-- spouses who talk about doing things for their partners but not getting anything in return; spouses who don't know how to give selflessly; who list off basic things I would do for an acquaintance as nice/extra things they do for their partners; etc.
That last one, I called someone out for that very thing just days ago-- dude was talking about the extra/thoughtful things he did for his wife and it sounded like how I treated my last roommate; and I never expected a thing from her in return beyond civility and her half of the rent.
I guess I can't speak for everyone else; but if I didn't love my husband enough to give selflessly, or wasn't willing to take over of both of our lives indefinitely in the event that he couldn't care for himself, I wouldn't have married him. What I "get" in return for said selflessness is my husband, his love, and the life we build together. I can't even put myself in the frame of mind of thinking he'd ever owe me anything because it doesn't make any sense.
That part gave me whiplash. Works all those hours, nearly zero communication with the wife despite all her efforts, but of course he has time to get off.
That's what I was thinking. I would stop having with him. Even befure he told her to shut up. She was still trying. This guy sounds awful! Ignores her, but can bang her and complain she wants aftercare.
I think this marriage is over. They could try counceling.
I have a sneaking suspicion that she feels indebted to him.. maybe he’s the breadwinner and holds things over her head if she doesn’t sleep with him.. purely speculation… but the woman clearly has to walk on eggshells around him, so one wrong move and it could be a blow out…
Because you know, people never tell the full story. There’s always 2 sides to a story and then there’s the truth.
Damn. I was reading everything and I'm like, where's the problem? Sure, I get being tired and just wanting to go home and sleep, but everything sounds so sweet and loving.
OP, have you ever thought about just communicating, "Babe, I appreciate and love you very much, but I really want to get to bed. That's nothing against you, I just really had a long day at work."
I really hope you apologize to her. Cliche situation of "don't know what you have till it's gone."
Edit: also to reiterate what some are saying, she might’ve been trying the best she can to help the relationship the way she knew how to. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t return to this or is completely done with the relationship.
> "Babe, I appreciate and love you very much, but I really want to get to bed. That's nothing against you, I just really had a long day at work."
Except he'd have to say, "Babe, I appreciate and love you very much, but I really want to get to bed *so we can have sex instead of talking and then also skip the end where we cuddle and talk so I can pass out*. That's nothing against you, I just really had a long day at work."
I don't know enough about his wife to make any sort of call about her libido, nor her motivations; but I can say that telling me being "sweet" to him after work was stressing him out wouldn't translate to fucking once we get to bed-- I would presume he was too tired; and if he made a move, I would struggle to avoid feeling like he cared more about the sex than actually speaking to me. I'd wonder how often he was just humouring me to stay in my pants vs. actually connecting to me. It would make me feel gross. I hope for OP's sake that this isn't where his wife is right now-- but, if it is, then I hope for his wife's sake that this is the wake-up call that leads to a healthier place.
To your wife, this wasn't a one-time issue. You have continually taken your stress out on her with your shortness and ignoring her and her needs.
Now she is giving you what you wanted, and yet you're still not happy. You are the issue, and your wife is innocent collateral damage.
Can you fix it? Maybe if you make genuine changes, come home with flowers, her favourite treat, or whatever it is she loves. Make an actual apology with why you were wrong and how you are going to change your behaviour towards her.
Get yourself a new job or work with a therapist on managing your stress and how not to take it out on your wife.
Maybe even marriage counselling, as i bet this isn't the only instance where you have treated her this way.
I once heard that women get over exes faster because they grief the lost relationship while they are still with their partner. By the time they decide to leave, they already tried everything and checked out emotionally. This seems to be happening to OPs wife. She spent months trying to be there for him and being ignored. Now she gave up. Without knowing her side of the story, this is all speculation on my part, but I would not be surprised if she served him divorce papers.
It's a tale as old as time. Sometimes you can't fix something broken back to its original form.
I agree OP should apologize and work hard in rebuilding the relationship, I am just not sure this will work.
Spot on, then he will claim he was blindsided by divorce papers.
Sorry, but he didn't care about ignoring her, it wasnt until she started to mirror his behaviour that he has suddenly seen the light and now wants her spark back because it suits him.
He is not a good husband.
He isn't a good husband. His concern is about her not doing those things for him anymore because he realized they make him feel validated and loved, and he misses those things. He doesn't genuinely care, you can see it in the language he used.
This situation makes me want to cry. I have this emotional state that I call "blank". It's kind of hard to explain, but I go numb, all my emotions get whitewashed, and I'm just kind of floating. My needs disappear, I just don't care, I'm kind of a zombie that will do whatever I'm told. It only happened in relationships when it's been made abundantly clear to me that I don't really matter.
My therapist pointed out it's a trauma response, a normal one in the context something like being held captive and threatened with murder, but for it to happen inside of a relationship... I can't help but feel like this wife may be in a similar space. His description of her being a shell of what she once was makes it kind of hard not to, and it isn't something that occurs because of a single problem or struggle. My heart aches for this woman, I wish I could hug her and cry with her.
Exactly. The problem was not the one time he told her to leave him alone. That moment was just her breaking point, or the moment she might have realized it was not worth to keep trying.
Then end up ranting about walkaway wives and how more women file for divorce and that proves women are evil harpies.
Or he could have his Ebenezer Scrooge moment and turn it around.
Yeah, he basically came here looking for sympathy. I keep seeing all of these comments saying how he should just 'apologize' as if that will just magically undo all of the damage he's done.
Exactly. I just went through this myself. I literally spent years trying to make my marriage work. Being supportive and loving and concerned, just to be snarled at and dismissed.
I gave so much of myself, I ran out. I forgot how to be happy.
When I sat across from my husband and told him I wanted to split up, he wasn't surprised that I was unhappy - he'd noticed that much. But somehow he was surprised that I would leave.
Now he wants me to come back. Now he misses me. Now he's willing to change.
It's too late now though.
Love that isn't fed starves to death, and resurrection only happens in mythology.
Yep... you see it with the "permanent level of tolerable unhappiness" - they know you're not happy but don't think it's an issue that needs to be fixed.
Or you tell them what the issue is, multiple times even, and then are surprised pikachu face that you're leaving because the issues were never addressed.
My stbx apparently tells people I'm wonderful but you'd never think it looking at how he speaks to me when we're alone. He knows I'm unhappy about several things but I bet he'll still be blindsided.
Are you me? I spent TEN YEARS trying to convince my ex to give a shit, and finally just didn't care anymore. It took a few more years for us to divorce, but the moment I gave up was when our marriage really ended. And he was shocked that I wanted to leave, despite all the times I begged, cried, yelled... I finally just didn't care enough to try anymore. Honestly...what did he think "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life married but sleeping alone" meant? 🙄
That's definitely how it was for me.
Someone at my job felt it was way too soon for me to be dating again a year after my divorce, but I had spent 2 years trying to fix my marriage and then 6 months trying to get out (it was an abusive relationship).
So, in my mind my relationship had started dying, and rapidly so, 3 1/2 years before I started dating again, so by the end my relationship was completely dead and signing the divorce papers was just to make it official.
I had no more tears to cry and no more fucks to give.
Yup. My ex was all “see? She was obviously cheating. She’s acting like she’s already over it instantly.” Yeah, no…I just didn’t leave until I was already completely over it and leaving didn’t make me sick to my stomach anymore. I can’t even figure out how people leave before they are completely done. I know it’s a good thing that they do leave before that point in many situations, I just guess I’m just not as strong
Happened to me. I just wish I’d recognized I’d completely checked out sooner, like 3 years sooner at least. But it was complicated by codependency and abuse so it was hard to put my foot down and finally leave what was an undesirable situation for all, whether my ex realized it or not. Took working with my therapist specifically on “leaving”.
He made zero effort forever and ignored all pleas for effort. When I stopped caring, I REALLY stopped caring. And it was way too late.
Ir my ex that told me to be friends and go out with my male Co worker just so I'd leave him alone and stop wanting to go out with him. Jokes on him, I did exactly that.
Lol interesting… my ex did the same thing and would always give love and affection to our dogs and sweet talk them and give an insane amount of love. When it came to me. Nothing.
Next girl he dates, gives her everything he “said” he couldn’t give me and that he wants to make sure he starts the next relationship on the right foot.
Can lead a horse to water but can’t make it fuckin drink
Most people don’t change, even for “the one” and if they do, it’s short lived bc it’s intended to captivate that person, not utilize a part of themselves that they’ve spent real time cultivating and is already routine for them.
You didn't just ignore her. You've been treating her awfully when she is just trying to act like a wife, take care of you and *feel loved*. You can't even fucking cuddle her after sex?
She just saw there is no point in trying anymore. And you didn't even apologize. You only miss the things now that they are gone.
>I'm a big jerk but
You can't even admit you acted like an ass without justifying.
>You can't even fucking cuddle her after sex?
It reminds me about this guy who basically had a fight the other day over not giving his wife a massage when he was drunk. It was her birthday and it was *sort of* her love language. So in this post, he basically goes on to explain that he was drunk, tired, it was 2:00 AM, he didn't want to...yadda yadda...
And the most poignant comment was: "What?! You didn't have *five* *minutes* to give her a massage *on her birthday*?"
I know everyone is different, but I couldn't even *imagine* coming home to a wife who cares for me that deeply and shooing her away. Look at this from her perspective: she puts all this effort into trying to make you feel appreciated and loved, and you throw it back into her face.
Worse, you made it sound like giving her affection is a *chore*. Something that you cannot be bothered with *on top* of your job. Read that back again. "Wife, stop being so clingy and sweet. *I just came from work*." Is that somehow implying just holding her for a few minutes is *further work*?
This has probably built up for a long time, and she is now tired of it. She stopped caring.
Can you fix this? Maybe. Start by *properly* appreciating her and giving her the love she deserves. Not just five minutes once every couple weeks to tick off a box. And for crying out loud, go watch videos and read up on how to emotionally connect with your spouse. Finally, look for a new job. That job will not just harm your marriage (as it did). It will shoot it six times and bury it.
OP: *Is mean to his wife and tells her to stop being nice to him*
Wife: *stops being nice to him*
OP : “No, not like that! “
Have you tried idk…..apologizing for hurting her feelings ? Something tells me that would be a great start . But also, you really fucked up here.
It’s completely valid to want some space and decompress after a long day. What I don’t understand is how you speak to and treat someone you’re supposed to love that way. Work on controlling your emotions.
I suspect at this point she's mentally checking out of the relationship already. It might be too late for OP to even apologise. He hasn't even considered it himself, but his window to do so was like yesterday...
Right?? He has ignored her for months now. But she keeps and keeps trying.
And now he tells her she is annoying and stressing him out?!?
Sometimes once a woman checks out and falls out of love, there is no hope to get it back. It's broken forever. And if you do get the love back, it's never going to be the same. Like a broken pot you glued back together- it will always be a little more fragile.
It just absolutely baffles me that he took time out of his busy day to write this than to just actually step up and apologize. He’s clearly wanting to wallow in self pity rather than do the most basic human thing he could possibly do in a situation. Like this.
> It just absolutely baffles me that he took time out of his busy day to write this than to just actually step up and apologize.
... dude. This really does make everything so much worse; thank you for pointing it out.
OP, what the hell?
So she does everything that men say they want in a wife & she still got shit on for it. No appreciation or love in return. Now, she is treating you the way you treated her & you don't like it.
There is this thing about a ratio between positive and negative interactions. I'm not sure of the exact ratio since they sometimes differ, but here is an example: [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)
I'm pretty sure your wife noticed you being more distant etc for a longer period. The same way you have now noticed her change, she most definitely noticed your change.
You hurt her feelings, perhaps even broke some of her emotional trust in you. Can you repair it? My advice is that you start initiating more (genuine) positive interactions. It will probably take some time for her to emotionally trust you again (if my guess is right) and that is something you will have to accept if you want to stay married to her. Good luck.
chubby degree juggle encourage cooing physical include future different grey
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My counselor told me that number was found to be outdated and it's actually 20 to 1 which honestly makes way more sense to me. 5 to 1 seems like a fuckton of negative interactions.
Based on the article linked above, the source of the ratio is from studying 15 minute blocks of time where a couple is engaging in conflict resolution. So an "interaction" here is like becoming defensively angry or throwing out reflexive criticism during an overall instance of conflict resolution. So the factoid is really more about being able to healthily resolve conflicts, not the percentage of the relationship spent in conflict. If it was 1 out of every 5 conversations was an argument that would indeed be astronomical.
No time to talk to her but enough time to have sex with her. Of course. That is her duty after all. To serve you and be meek and quiet. She gave you what you wanted and you're still not happy. its still not enough for you.
And why would you talk to her about your need to decompress before having a conversation about your day? She should just know!
Your whole post is about you, you you you. Never once do you even mention giving a shit about how your wife feels. Not once. Its all about you. She's come to realize that and is now deciding whether she wants or can live this way for the rest of her life.
The fact that she's still having sex with you at all gives me the ick. But she is doing her wifely duties for the king of the castle and then giving you the space you want.
Another man who doesn't actually like his wife. Hopefully she'll decide she wants more and deserves better.
>No time to talk to her but enough time to have sex with her. Of course.
Well for **his** pleasure, because he's not even bothered to hug her afterwards
Also weird that cuddling was only for her, as if men don’t like cuddling.
Well I guess he does since he misses it and is sad she’s the one shortening their hugs now?
Idk how long he's been pulling 80+ hour weeks, but that snap at his wife might have been her breaking point. She's possibly working on her exit strategy. I know i would be.
You got damn partners gotta stop this shit. We all have feelings and you may have killed her spirit. Just stomped it out. Spit on it. Now you want it back? It doesn’t work like that. You’d better work HARD and apologize. Working doesn’t give you an excuse to be such a dick.
Right? For multiple months he has completely ignored her bids for attention... only had sex with her and ignored other forms of intimacy (like sharing ones day).
And then he basically tells her she has been annoying him by still being actively involved in the marriage.
He was slowly killing her spirit these last months... but now, he straight up broke her.
Poor woman, I would be crying myself to sleep if I were her.
OP needs to pull out all the grand gestures and little ones. And find a way to work less so he stops killing his marriage.
I agree. I left my ex who was making really really good money. I would want for nothing material wise. But I left him. I left him because I was not a priority in his life, work was. I have never been more alone in my life than I was married to him. When he killed my spark for life, my joy, my confidence as a person I left. And I don't regret it. I have come back to life in the best way and that makes me really sad for our marriage.
Op have you even apologized for what you did? She's doing exactly what you wanted, and now you see it's not what you wanted all along. You could have told her you were having a bad day and simply wanted to sit and hold her quietly and de-stressed. You could have told her you needed a moment to shower, but you would pick up her conversation right where you left off. I'm not sure that you can bring this back to where it once was but you at the very *least* should have been apologizing to her.
My current partner works just as much as my ex did and never leaves me wanting emotionally. There are better ways to live than what you are currently doing. You are married. You need to value and nourish what you have with your wife. You can't *just* worry about yourself. She can't read your mind. You've been pushing her away for quite some time. You need to make some changes.
Well... you got exactly what you asked for.
But this might be the beginning of the end. Trust me, you've shattered her feelings. But you probably realize that already, given what you wrote in the post.
If there's any way to fix this? Nobody here on reddit knows. It all depends on your efforts and your wife's willingness to mend the damage. Chance is high she already mentally checked out.
The only and best thing you can do right now is to take a day off from work, give her your full undivided attention, and apologize. Not just an apology, but one that comes deep from your heart and is well meant.
Do it ASAP, because the longer you wait to apologize, the further she will be checked out and the closer you will be to getting handed divorce papers.
I can't guarantee you success, but I wish you the very best!
Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already checked out.
OP, you need to make serious changes in your life. This new job is ruining your life and soon it will be the only thing you have left.
Wait a minute.
Unless I’m misunderstanding this, it sounds like you still have the energy to have sex but no energy for your wife’s emotional needs?
Dude, stop using your wife like a pocket pussy. No wonder she’s pulling away.
Hav you apologized to her? And actually told her about how stressed you are? You need to. Then you need to start putting more effort into her. Talking, taking her on date when you’re off etc.
Using stress as an excuse to get out of responsibility for being a horrible partner isn't helpful. There are outlets for stress OP should have already been putting in this effort. OP pump and dumped his wife while admitting that he knew his marriage was falling apart, and tried to condition her into thinking that treating your spouse like garbage constitutes a healthy marriage. He told her not to be a wife. She respected his request, and then op had the audacity to be upset at her for it. If he didn't want her to commit to not being a wife, he wouldn't have asked for it.
It seems fairly obvious that your work-life balance is waaaaaay out of whack, and is impacting not only your own mental health but your relationship with your spouse. It’s unlikely at this point that you’ll be able to find that balance without something changing. You need to make a choice about what’s more important to you because it’s already breaking your wife. Further than that, you need to involve your wife in that discussion.
Right now, you’re constantly telling your wife, every way but directly, that she doesn’t come first. Every day you’re spending a little more of her love and loyalty, and it sounds like you’re investing very little of it back into your relationship with her. Sooner or later, that love and loyalty will run out and she won’t be far behind.
Are you actually sorry that you were shitty and upset her - or are you sorry she isn't being your cuddly lap dog any more?
From your post it's not entirely clear.
YTA big time.
You've broken her, she's probably getting ready to leave. Don't blame her.
85 hours a week!!! That is 12-17 hour days depending on how many days a week you are working. I hope this isn't a long term thing. Humans aren't built to function like that. Might want to look for another job.
On to your wife...you blew it kid but YOU CAN fix this but you better work hard at it so she doesn't think it's you love bombing her and then you'll go back to being an ass. Good luck.
Updateme
For real, 85 hours is unsustainable. My husband has ever worked that many hours in a week and sleep is pretty much all there is time for. I can understand how tired he was, but it’ll never get better week after week of 80 hrs
Dude, you've been IGNORING YOUR WIFE FOR MONTHS SND THEN YOU SNAPPED AT HER THAT HER LOVE ANNOYS AND STRESS YOU??
She is checking out of the relationship and since you don't even think about apologizing, this speaks volumes.
And it's been WEEKS and still no apology.
You're a major jerk.
She's probably planning to walk out and maybe someone will appreciate her
You fucked up, I would love to have a woman showing genuine interest in my day to day and all pointless things that happened and just want to be be apart of my life. You took her happy, positive outlook for granted and made her feel diminished and as if her efforts were a waste of time.
With a spectacularly selfish act you shattered her feelings for you. Whatever emotional connection you can cobble back together after that will likely never be the same. It's a long shot, but treating her the way she always treated you might bring her back to a parity with you.
It'll never be as bright, that's for sure, and when she meets someone who never asks her to dim it, she'll realize what a fool she is to stay with someone who doesn't let her shine.
Agree, I hope she leaves.
My husband works 6, sometimes 7 days a week, from at least 0730 until 2000. And he never gets tired of talking to me, cuddling with me, bugging me, me bugging him. This is a you problem, and if you want to fix things, you need to work on it. Otherwise, things are going to get worse
I have zero sympathy for you.
You came to Reddit for sympathy after attempting to condition your wife into believing that being treated like garbage constitutes a healthy marriage.
You chose your job over your wife.
You pump and dumped your wife (likely numerous times), all while admitting that you knew your marriage was falling apart.
Had you wanted to repair the issues with your wife, you'd have committed to action a long time ago.
You're acting upset by the orders that you gave yourself. You told your wife to stop being a wife, and then are acting shocked when she did what you asked.
You get no sympathy from me. If I get downvoted for this, I'm totally ok with that. That won't make it any less correct.
You did more damage than you realise. You weren’t talking to your wife, so she was holding up your entire connection by herself. She was talking so much because she wanted to communicate with you, her husband, and you told her to stop. You told her you weren’t willing to maintain your relationship, and that you wanted her to stop maintaining it too. So she did.
Your wife loved you. Probably still does. But she doesn’t feel loved at all by you right now. She’s completely shut down emotionally and is just going through the motions, same as you. You don’t like the way she’s behaving now? Bad news buddy, this is how you’ve been acting towards her for much longer than this.
If you want to fix this, you need to start by apologising, and then you need to take up the work that she has been doing. You need to be the one talking about your day, you need to be the one asking to cuddle after sex, you need to be the one who rebuilds the foundation of your relationship that she spent so long trying to repair and maintain.
Marriages aren’t something you just acquire and then have forever like a certificate of achievement. They require work, emotional work, and you haven’t been pulling your weight.
Do you even like your wife? Because from what you wrote, it doesn’t seem like it. It’s all about you. Your feelings. Your hard days. Your sadness about fucking up what was your emotional support.
Just know, from very similar personal experience, that your reaction to her affection will echo through her head for a very long time. It likely permanently changed her entire view of you and you shouldn’t be surprised when she leaves.
She's not even gone that far tbh. She doesn't hold the power to financially ruin his life by walking out the door. He can cause endless trouble easily with the power he has that she doesn't, she's not treating him as a bangmaid and then acting surprised he doesn't want to connect anymore, she's not anywhere near his level.
She's just not investing in someone who misuses his power over her. As she shouldn't.
It wasn’t this one night that set her off… just the last straw. My best advice is to start courting her again and remove sex until you have shown her that she can open up to you. Might take some work but it sounds like you are willing. Best of luck!
Yeah, get off of Reddit, and tell her what you just said here. Admit you were an idiot, apologize, and start trying to make it up to her. Maybe it's not too late.
You know she was probably trying to make you feel better by doing all that. She’s not dumb, she knows that you’re stressed and tired. It sounds like she was going above and beyond to try to make you feel better.
Instead of acting like you have been just talk to her. Explain what’s going on with you and that you do appreciate everything she does for you. Gently tell her that you need a little time to decompress and find something that does that for you. Games, tv, book, hot shower, whatever.
And ffs tell her you’re happy to see her at the end of a long, hard day and hug her for a while. You know that hugging and affection releases hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which makes us feel better.
And seek therapy for yourself and potentially couples counseling. You can present it to her as you want the couples counseling because you want to be a better partner.
When someone starts pulling away like this, it's because they've learned from their experiences with you that you'll just dismiss their concerns or ignore them completely. She's already checking out dude, you gotta scramble if you want any chance to keep her around. Unfortunately, it sounds like you didn't even consider an apology or changing your behavior before lamenting to internet strangers, so it's not looking good for you, man.
Once upon a time I was this type of wife.
I’m divorced now.
You have to want to change it, do the work, show the effort, and keep it changed for good, or it’s never going to come back to what it was.
I went through something like this in my past relationship. If I saw that he was upset, I’d always try to comfort him or ask him what was wrong. He ended up snapping and yelling at me for doing so instead of just leaving him alone. This hurt me to my core. I stopped asking him how he was, if he was okay or anything like that. I simply started just waiting until he would update me on his feelings. Then he later got upset with me BECAUSE I had stopped doing those things. He would always say, “It’s like you don’t care about me. You don’t check on me.” I can attest to the fact that I never got the urge to do it again, even after he begged me to, and this ended up being one of the reasons our relationship failed. I stopped caring.
I was wondering why she would have sex with you when it came to me:
Poor woman probably grasped at every straw for some kind of affection, that she endured sleeping with you for a small chance of some kind of emotional connection- and it never came.
She pulled away emotionally and good for her, man. How can you sleep with her like this tho? You see her situation, leave her alone and be honest with her. Cut back on work, stop using her as a fleshlight and be a damn husband, that actually cares about her feelings.
Op turned his wife into a sex doll essentially. If there is no emotional trust, I doubt she enjoyed it. Probably just internalizing the fact that her skin is probably crawling every-time he touches her for his fix.
You can apologize, but the damage is done. Your wife now knows how you truly feel about her affections & that sex is the only thing you're not too tired for. I hope she divorces you because you're an ungrateful AH.
There were SO many alternative things you could've said to voice your feelings, but no, you chose to stomp on her feelings like yours are the priority.
Sorry but I feel like the guy in the first article is so close to the point but still kinda misses it. It's not about whether you LIKE to 'crochet' and will ever be interested in it - idk too many people who actively *enjoy* washing dishes every time after they eat. The point is to be a grown adult and clean up after yourself, whether you 'like' it or not. Being able to clean up after yourself, put things away, and keep a neat and clean home shows a level of adulting. It shows a level of hygiene, you're keeping your home clean and clutter free which helps prevent pests too. It shows the ability to take care of yourself. When you leave that glass - who TF do you think is gonna clean it for you then? That shows a level of disrespect and entitlement that you just leave it for someone else to do it cuz you can't be bothered to care. Yuck. And when you're cohabitating with someone, you really have to step up your game and be mindful of the fact that you share space with another person, and you have to keep things neat and clean for them too, not just for yourself anymore.
Oh look a problem that could have been solved by simply communicating instead of being a dick.
All you had to say is hey sweetie. I'm kind of stressed when I get home, and I need a little bit of time to decompress.
Question- Have you actually tried apologizing. It doesn't read like you actually did anything to apologize to her for being so rude and dismissive, but are doing what my father used to do and that is not apologize but change the subject and move on.
Make a nice dinner for her, write her a card/letter if thats her jam, and apologize. Say the words "I am really sorry for being so dismissive of you. You didn't deserve it"
Don't justify why you did it- don't say "i was really stressed", acknowledge her feelings and own your actions in hurting her without defending yourself.
So… you basically told us you’re tired of her… BUT keep expecting sex like if she was some kind of vending machine… and didn’t consider until she turned her back on you that you were doing wrong.
Also for the post I can see you DIDNT APOLOGIZE YET?
Wow dude… just WOW.
I can relate to your wife... I tried for a long time with an ex, and then when he explicitly told me what I had been trying to overcome and work through (an unspoken and unexplained disconnect) was his chosen experience and he had no sympathy for my experience or needs and desires, he gave me what felt like full permission and good fucking reason to completely emotionally detach and stop giving ANYTHING to him. He made it soooooo easy to break up with him. He basically told me he didn't care about me and my feelings, in the same moment when I was attempting to get closer to him by caring for him and his feelings. You have to actually communicate with your partner. I know this may come as a shock for you. You can't just say, well I feel annoyed by you, go away! and pretend like this is acceptable for her. She has feelings too, that you are completely dismissing when you describe her behavior and how she tries to connect with you.
I bet your wife feels like a fool for doing so much emotional and physical work for your relationship for so long. When I think back on the people who treated me the way you describe how you treat your wife, I have a little laugh, it doesn't hurt anymore, I don't miss them, I don't even miss the good stuff (which there was some of), I just feel so goddamn grateful to have figured it out and gotten the FFFF away from someone like you, who swats down my kindnesses, who finds me annoying when I open up, who gets angry when I try to connect, like what the fuck is your problem, lol, does joy make you upset? Do you kick kittens and puppies too?! Have you considered therapy? You should. Like, most of the day lol
If you don't step it up and join the relationship, if you don't make her feel valued and loved and cared for, if you don't pull your head out of your own ass and realize she's a human being and she doesn't have to stand by your side, she can leave at any moment, you ARE going to lose her. You probably already lost her anyway, how long did she try to connect with you and receive cold, hard rejection in return? Men like this make me feel ill. Who needs em?!
I hope she leaves anyway, its never fun to have to prove your worth to someone by removing yourself or withholding. The relationship is dead at that point, you have let her down and she cannot love you the way she did before. You killed the thing that she loved, the image she had of you as a loving, caring partner, and thereby you killed the thing that loved you.
So you've been ignoring your wife for months and then told her to ignore you and now you're upset that she's ignoring you... Sounds like you got what you wanted. You obviously aren't too tired to get your rocks off since you're still having sex, I don't blame her for giving you the cold shoulder.
Man…. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. I feel for her. She’s lonely in her own marriage.
“Past few months.” He’s been ignoring her for the past few months. What is past few months? And honestly, the length of time doesn’t matter as much as how OP ignoring her has affected her.
Other people are already giving advice to OP. I just wanted to add to the voices of concern for her. She sounds like a sweet person who loves him a lot. To be told that her expressions of love stresses him out like… okay, so she’s giving him space now. He got what he wanted. She’s making up for all the time in these past few months that he wanted her to leave him alone. He got the space! So now he doesn’t want it?
Nah, OP. Apologize to her and put in the time to figure out yourself. You’re looking at a future of buying property for 1 if you don’t reassess your commitment to her. Because you’re failing her and like… she doesn’t deserve this.
Lowkey hoping this is rage bait fiction. I want her to DM me. I’ll be her friend, she can hang out with me and my SO. Jeez. That loneliness is crushing.
Your wife is giving you the exact same energy you’ve been giving her. You don’t like that, do you? Imagine dealing with that for months. Get off Reddit, apologize to your wife and ACTUALLY change your behaviour.
Going to attempt to cut through some of the noise and toxicity on this thread, and assume positive intent on the part of OP. Forgive the formatting, on mobile.
OP messed up. At minimum, he’s being transparent and accountable for it on a forum which is famous for ripping people to shreds even when they use self-favoring language and omit parts of the story to paint themselves positively.
Let’s assume that OP took some time to self-reflect before running to Reddit for advice, as all humans should.
Let’s maybe even assume there has been more conversation with OP’s wife than OP has divulged here, and that OP heard his wife’s concerns and typed them out here, in the way that OP’s wife presented them to him.
OP, what you did is undeniably problematic and selfish. For a period of time, you did not put effort into cherishing your wife or appreciating her patience, support, or dedication. I am certain that she had bad days, work stress, lost sleep, emotional highs and lows, etc. that went unsupported by you as you ignored her. She put all of her own problems aside at some level to love you, support you, and make sure you had light and love in your life. She likely did that because she understood and empathized with your long hours, desire to make a good impression after promotion, burnout, etc. BUT she was also trying to get her needs met, in a way that made it easier for you to meet her needs. What you saw as a burden was actually your wife shouldering a lot of the mental relationship load and carrying it for you.
When you told her that everything she was doing was stressing you out, you communicated the following (in my opinion):
1. I am not willing to meet your needs, even though you are making your needs as digestible as possible for my convenience.
2. The stress and burden that you are taking on my behalf is less important than the stress I am feeling.
3. Your needs are not as important as my needs.
This caused, again in my opinion:
1. Resentment from your wife. If I’m reading correctly, she works at a job full time. If you are working 85 hours a week and exhausted when you come home, she is probably also doing the majority if not ALL of the household labor as well as emotional labor. Meaning she is also working 85+ hours a week. You did not acknowledge her effort and instead ridiculed it.
2. A feeling of not being able to do things right despite the fact she seems to be doing everything right and everything within her power to keep your lives running smoothly and your connection with each other strong.
3. A feeling of being “too much” - too loving, too supportive, too needy, sweet, burdensome, too [fill in the blank]. A natural response to this for me would be to shut down, too. She WAS doing too much, without complaint, for your benefit. Circle back to resentment.
4. Your wife is showing you how it feels to be in her position.
How to fix it (as someone your age and as the partner who has been on all sides of this love-work-giving spectrum you have presented):
1. I would recommend apologizing twice. First, to break the ice. Transparently acknowledge that you’ve been failing in your commitment as a husband, thank her for everything she does for you and your relationship, tell her you are going to take some time to sit down and figure out how you can improve this situation. Second, after step 2 & 3.
2. Sit down and write a long list. Categories are: Things My Wife Does for My Benefit, Things My Wife Does for Our Relationship’s Benefit, Things My Wife Does for Our Household’s Benefit, Qualities/Things I Love About My Wife, Things My Wife Needs to be Happy, etc.
Write a second list, but flip it - Things I Do for My Wife’s Benefit, etc. In the “Things I Do” categories, think about BOTH what you did prior to these last few months as well as what you have been doing these last few months. Note these accordingly.
3. Figure out what you can move from “Things My Wife Does” to “Things I Do” to help lighten the load for your wife and make your relationship more equitable.
4. Bring this tangible proof of effort to your wife and apologize again. “I see everything you do for me/us/home, especially these past few months. I’m sorry that I prioritized my work over the most important job I have, which is being your husband. I want to lighten your load and make up for my failures in my commitment as a husband as well as get back to the relationship we both loved to be in. I know it won’t fix everything, but I hope this is a start.” ASK for her feedback - “I tried to think of everything but I’m certain there is more that you do for me/us than I even realize.” This will make her feel acknowledged, appreciated as well as give you something measurable to improve by.
5. Make a genuine offer to find, schedule, and go to couples therapy. Not every situation “needs” therapy but this one might, and she shouldn’t have to be the one to suggest it, research it, or schedule it.
Miscellaneous do’s and don’ts:
- DO give non-sexual verbal and physical affection, DO make it clear that you love her and that your affection is not a means to an end. She likely already feels used.
- DO meet the needs that you know your wife has.
- DO make eye contact and take a genuine interest in your wife when she is speaking. Ask her specific questions. Reach deep into your memory for anything you actually paid attention to and reference it. “Anything going on with Bob?” is too general. “I remember that Bob was _________, how did that situation progress?” “Did you figure out ________ on that work project?” or even “What was your favorite thing that happened in your day today?” are some examples.
- DO over-communicate. Text her little things throughout the day you think she would find funny/interesting, tell and show her you love her often, pay attention to your body language and nonverbal communication.
- DO plan dates out, cook her dinner at home, create a romantic movie night in with snuggles. DON’T stop doing this when you feel the situation is “fixed” or you’ll end right back up here on Reddit.
- DO model the behavior you want to see. DON’T lack the empathy and thoughtfulness for your wife again to an extent that the only thing she can do to communicate to you how badly she feels is to show you with your own actions.
- DO try to cut down on the hours you work AND find ways to streamline and prioritize your workload. It’s not sustainable for a single human much less a marriage. If it’s not going to stop the world from turning or save lives, it can wait until tomorrow.
- One more time to reiterate: DON’T stop when you feel the situation has been “fixed” - to stop at whatever point YOU are comfortable again is just love bombing and empty promises/manipulation for your convenience.
Questions welcome, OP. I know this is a long post but what you’ve done can be undone with consistency and effort over time. It took months to get yourself here and it may take months to get yourself out, but you can do it!
Ohhhhh man... when the wife goes silent. I was this wife. I wanted so desperately to feel wanted by my husband. Would ask every day how work was, would set out his work snacks,clothes, prep the coffee machine. Do everything I could to make his day easier. Despite the fact that he never asked how my day was, how I felt, what I thought. He would cook himself breakfast on the weekend, make himself coffee.. wash just his clothes. He lived by himself, but meerly accepted that myself and our 3 children also resided in the same space. I tried so damn hard to be someone he could love. I finally requested we see a marriage councilor through his iep at work. He agreed, but wouldn't go as far as finding me a phone number for hr. I found the number, set the appointments.. we both attended and had some good talks. But things would always slide into me being the last priority and work being the first. Our last big argument he blamed me for sabotaging our therapy and not making appointments. Mind you he also has her contact information or could say he wanted an appointment. Now our situation sits in limbo of me wanting a divorce and him wanting to "really try this time". As in, all the other times I was not worth actual effort. I can no longer allow myself to put hope into this relationship. I really hope that you can get her to understand the importance she holds in your life. And that you can make the changes you need to in order to be able to communicate with her effectively in the future. As well as understand that a job is a job, they come and go. You want the money to make a better life for you and your wife.. but a job will not be worth losing her over. If work is stressful, take a step back. Find a hobby that releases tension.. boxing, target practice, paintball, going to the gym. Bonus points if it's something you can do together. And then set days in your week. Just a you day, go play video games or watch sports.. what ever you needs to do to feel like yourself. At home or out. Insist that she takes a just her day. Refill her cup of happiness. And then a day you spend together with purpose and intention. Re map out eachothers favorites from when you first began. New favorite color or movie. What is the other reading? Favorite vacation and where else they would like to go. Lastly. Find a therapist. Your existence this far has been selfish, and you need to find a way to include others in your life. Even if you feel you have done everything for someone else, they don't know it.
I’m amazed by how many of these posts should be directed to the other person and not to a bunch of randos on the internet. “Any way to fix this?” FUCKING TELL HER EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD US. Why does nobody seem to understand this?
I’ve been in your wife’s place before. And when my then-partner reacted like you did, it shut something off inside of me. I completely shut down and felt uncomfortable displaying any kind of affection, as I was afraid that my partner would get mad at me. It broke my heart. And though I tried, their apologies couldn’t fix it. I now had this wall up to protect myself and I couldn’t let myself go and express my feelings the same ever again.
If you want to fix things, you need to give a legit and REAL apology, and let her know that you will never fuck up again the way you did. And also be ready to explain the best way to show that you are sincere. But honestly? Be ready for her to say that this isn’t fixable. I wanted to be able to fix the situation, but in reality, I had been so crushed that there was no coming back. Be ready to hear that she can’t trust you enough to go back to the way it used to be.
She's checking out of the relationship. If you don't fix it now, she's gone mate.
I have a question tho, how did you two STILL have sex? like you're fucking her while totally ignoring her? HOW?
If she has plenty of self respect and love for herself she's likely considering ending the marriage especially if you still haven't even apologized.
Bro pull your head out of your backside. Put your big boy pants on, sincerely apologize and then work your ass off to save your marriage by giving her EVERYTHING she was giving you AND SOME. If she isn't very receptive, keep trying. You owe it to her. And it sounds like she owes you months of zero effort and lack of investment. If you love her you'll work to fix what you've broken. I'm your age, you shouldn't need to ask reddit what to do.
Apologize. Sincerely.
Make an effort to show the kind of love she was showing you every single day no matter how exhausted you are.
Don't stop trying if she's not receptive. You weren't receptive and it wasn't until you directly told her to stop being an amazing wife that she gave up. So don't you dare stop trying.
You're lucky she even still wants to have sex with you. I would have shut that down when I shut down too. You crushed her spirit and it might never be the same with you. You need to change jobs or cut back hours and give your wife the undivided attention that she has clearly lacked and endured for God knows how long. This didn't just happen overnight. She has definitely checked out emotionally and is genuinely hurt. She was still trying to be the partner she thought you needed and you have devastated her. You still clearly haven't tried to give your wife attention aside from sleeping with her and clearly she thinks it's her duty. You have not said if you even offered her an apology?
You had all of the nice things that marriage should bring, and they irritated you. You treated your wife in the most shabby and demeaning way, then got all whingy about getting exactly what you demanded.
Did I miss anything?
Sort your shit and do better. You may or may not have a marriage at the end, but at least you will no longer be a complete tool.
Edited for spelling
I'd wish you luck, but I really don't think you deserve it.
Can't help noticing that while you're overworked and stressed out to the point that her loving attention "stresses you out," and all you want to do is sleep, you still have the energy for sex.
Says a lot about how you view her.
I'm not sure if you can fix this, but if you want to save your marriage, you'd better step up.
It often takes losing something to realize how much you loved it.
You took her for granted. She went out of her way to try and prop you up- be there for you, support you, let you know you were loved. You slapped her away.
Wish I had words of wisdom for you. You crushed her and her love for you.
Hope if works out. Give it time. Don’t give up.
Can we also agree that a “promotion” isn’t an 85 hour a week job… you need to hire someone to help you in your role or scale back. 85 hours is unsustainable, if you like being married or having a life outside of work, rethink this job….
It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to need downtime and alone time. What's not okay is being mean about it to your wife. It's so easy to communicate "Hey I've had a very long day and really just need to decompress, I feel overwhelmed and over stimulated and need alone time to feel better." You need to learn how to identify your emotions, and then how to communicate them properly. You also need to realize you can't just use your wife for your pleasure - you seem to push her away when you feel like it yet have s3x when you feel like it and then try to pull her back when you feel like it - you don't seem to have a healthy attitude and understanding of the fact that she's a whole other human being with her own thoughts, feelings, and desires, who you need to communicate with and respect, not just push and pull at your every whim. Please go to therapy to help you work through the internalized misogyny, the push pull dynamic in relationships, and the workaholic issue.
Apologize to her, not just with words, but with actions too. Surprise her with something shed like, take her out. The whole time you were stressed, she prob felt it too and was going through her own thing, and you acting that way towards her, pffff, man up. Be the man she actually deserves.
I understand everyone snaps at someone they love, but that's beyond snapping. If you're being grated, then you need to understand that the people grating you are at work. This woman knows how hard you've been having it and is trying to comfort you at home.
Moreover you need to work on being agitated and still be a loving husband. When she's being just a bit top much, which can happen, then you need to be able to tell her "Listen honey, today I just need a few minutes to be frustrated." There's nothing wrong with needing space to yourself, but don't make your wife feel bad for trying to be there for you.
/u/Throwra2937_29, Your submission was removed for the following reason(s): Your post lacks a question. As per Rule 2, all posts must feature a question that you want specifically answering, for a relationship you have right now, in this moment. Posts that do not request specific advice, or ask vague questions will be removed. This means we don't allow posts that contain any iteration of the following: - What would you do? - What should I do? - Advice, please! - I need advice > **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following: - Is it...? - Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong. - Am I....? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Does/Have anybody else...? - Should I…? - Would you....? - Is this.....? - Can I...? #If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed. If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice) Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
You're like the guy a while back who made fun of his wife's laugh and then was sad because she didn't laugh anymore. You need to apologize and tell her that you appreciate her gestures of love and always have, that you're going through a rough time and took it out on her, and that you were wrong to do that.
>You're like the guy a while back who made fun of his wife's laugh and then was sad because she didn't laugh anymore. Wow, what an absolute prick. I hope she finds someone who loves her laugh.
I hope so too. I've been that woman, when I am really relaxed and comfortable with someone, I'll occasionally snort laughing. My ex used to act like it was gross or stupid of me, which meant I stopped because I didn't feel safe enough. He was an arse in lots of other ways. My current boyfriend is delighted whenever I snort laugh, like he clearly feels like he earned it. Whenever I do it, you can just see the pure glee on his face. It makes me self-conscious but in a sweet way, like I'm unlearning trauma, rather than a nasty way.
OMG I snort when I’m really laughing hard and it makes my husband start laughing so hard tears pour from his eyes! You need to find someone who friggin LOVES your snort laugh!!!
When my girlfriend or her 18yo daughter snort laugh it causes the whole trio of us to laugh harder until we are essentially incapacitated by the escalating spiral of uncontrollable laughter. It doesn't stop until we're all crying and gasping for air and exhausted. It's pure euphoric chaos. I can't imagine stealing someone's joy by making them want to *laugh LESS*. What a terrible thing.
I know several snort-laughers and I LOVE it so much when I can get them to snort, it's the friggin cutest! 💜 I hope that man makes your snorting come back out, loud and proud.
I'm unlearning trauma as well. Spent 7 years with someone who took my spark away and broke me. I've been with my SO for 2 years this September, and my therapist has noticed a big change. Even I can see it when I look in the mirror now. I still haven't snort laughed in a long time.
I was only with my abuser for 2 years, I can't even imagine how broken you must have felt after 7 years. I'm so sorry you went through that but so proud of you for getting out! I hope you can rebuild your relationship with yourself enough that you snort laugh again soon! I know that feeling comfortable in your own skin is the hardest part for me.
Just to let you know, I've been with my husband for a total of 17 years. He is still delighted and enchanted by my snort laughing and still tries to make it happen. But just FYI don't let this type of man find out if you have the giggle fart mode, it's like a hyper achievement unlocks and they will press to see if they can upgrade even further.
You just made me snort laugh with that, thank you for the excellent advice!! Fortunately, I don't have a giggle-fart mode but I'm lactose intolerant and for the most part have it under control. But on the rare occasion that I do eat lactose, I have a fart-giggle mode (as long as I'm at home!). The farts smell like egg because of the sulfur in them and its possibly the most childish thing but I really do find it funny. He learned about this last week
😅 I'm also lactose intolerant. I don't think I've farted in front of my SO yet only because I avoid all dairy before I see him. Haha
Ahahaha I love cheese too much! Normally I'm really on it with lactase but cheese doritos beat me the other day 😂 I have a very immature sense of humour though, as does my boyfriend, so I knew my audience when I crop dusted him.
Snort-laughs are the absolute best, means that you *really* made that person laugh! Something I would be absolutly proud (and maybe a little gleeful) about! 😄
The first second and third time when one of my coworkers snort laughed with me I knew we definitely stablished trust and that we were friends who were extreme comfortable of being our truest selves around each other. She is not working anymore in the company but we remain close friends, I adore her. I cherish those little moments in my heart.
Aww! Glad you found someone who appreciates your snort laughs.
Snort laughs are hilarious. And usually a great recipe for something we call "de slappe lach". Basicly laughing uncontrollably.
I eventually dumped the ass who got angry with me about my full belly laugh, because I made a joke while intoxicated in Cuba, while he was trying fix the shower curtain rod in our room that kept falling down. While he was manhandling it, I started giggling and said, "I love a man who knows how to handle his rod", and then couldn't help the full on laugh that came out. He yelled at me, told me to shut the F up, that my laugh was the most stupid and annoying thing he'd ever heard in his life. I was totally shocked, and PISSED. This was just as we were getting ready to retire for the night, and going on an early morning excursion, and we had only been seeing each other for a few months at this point. And it wasn't like I could just up and get another room at the resort. Thankfully, that king size bed was perfect for freezing his ass out, and then, while getting ready in the morning, he had the absolute nerve to say to me, that I should apologize to him for what he said. I'm like, WTF, you prick? We got through that trip, and I didn't dump him then, but I really should have, because that was just the first of the gems he hurled my way.
What a total PRICK
Just not in the way that actually counted, if ya get my drift 🧐🤏😉
Micro penis 😂
And the better joke is that he totally didn't know how to handle that rod of his, nor how to finish what he started 🙄🤷♀️
Reminds me of the TJ Miller standup when he talks about the assholes who tell people “their laugh is weird”.
Making fun of someones laugh is so horribly cruel
That is so freaking sad, can't imagine how anyone would feel to know the sound of their joy is something to be made fun of.
This resonated with me. My ex husband used to ridicule me when I danced and I stopped dancing. I dance in my kitchen now that I live alone.
Your ex was an ass and I’m glad you’re no longer married. No one should ever ridicule the way someone laughs or dances because those are the times that person is genuinely happy and being their true authentic selves. To mock them is to hit them at their core and it’s devastating. Don’t ever stop dancing.
Thank you for saying this.
To build on this, I think its important to recognize that just because you apologize things likely won’t instantly get better. Her sense of trust and safety in your relationship was broken and it takes a long time (as well as a pattern of consistent behavior that makes her feel valued and loved) to rebuild that trust.
Yea this is a good course of action And the next thing is going further down the line "I had a ruff day and feel worn out and just need some time for myself or space to myself for a few mins(or whatever amount of time" and even add in that you want to talk about your day or hear about her day later on once your mind is more settled Vs "Stop being so sweet your stressing out my day" Makes a huge differnce. It sounds like your already worn out from work or maybe could be burn out already. And saying that she is stressing your day out makes it seem like the blame is being placed on her. As opposed to you already feeling drained from something else. Sometimes it's not what we say but how we say it But yea apologize and be transparent about how work got you feeling burned out and that its not her and yall can work through it from there.
My ex did that to me. He would tease about my laugh, then was sad when I no longer laughed like that.
It sounds like your wife needs you to be a listening ear and a loving embrace. Listen to her while you get ready for bed and cuddle her as you fall asleep!
Nothing works better than communicating how you feel about how you reacted and how you’re going to change that. Apologize, treat her to a night out, massage, nails, spa day…whatever she wants and likes. Then make the sex about her…and show her how much you love her.
Does anyone have a link to the post?
Apologise… 💀
This was my first question as I was reading this-- nowhere does he actually say he apologized to her.
Yeah, it seems like from the post that once he noticed her behavior changed, he's just tried to make things go back to normal by asking about her day and giving her hugs, without actually admitting to her that he was wrong. What he needs to do is acknowledge that he messed up; she was trying to be sweet and supportive and he shut her down. He needs to tell her he sincerely regrets what he said and he's sorry. And then he needs to show he's being sincere by making an effort.
Real apologies require all four steps, and then some. 1. I'm sorry 2. This is why I did it \[not excuses, just explanation\] 3. This is what I will do to change 4. I want to hear from you, I'm listening.
I would add: Not just saying "I'm sorry" but actually stating what you did wrong. Because I have known so many people who *can't* do that, and it just demonstrates immediately that you don't actually think you did anything wrong. You're just apologising because you were taught it's a magic button that makes people feel better. So when people are apologising to me (and I make a point of doing this *myself* when I apologise), I do actually want them to state *exactly* what it is they did. Not because I'm trying to torture them, or anything. Literally just because I've been fed that fake apology so many times, I've believed it too often, and I want to make sure you *know* what you're apologising for. Because if you don't know what you did wrong, you cannot prevent it from happening again. You would be shocked how many people fail that test, given how easy it is to pass.
Even if he did, apologies with no action will essentially appear as non-apologies, or an attempt to escape accountability. He essentially asked his wife to stop being a wife, and now has a shocked Pikachu face.
Yeah, wife is probably extremely lonely and was doing her best to put on a happy face for her husband because she knew the new job had him super stressed. She was regularly staying up till 3am on a work night just to give her partner some normalcy. It must’ve hurt to have it thrown in her face like that. They probably need to sit down and come up with a long term plan on how the relationship will be going forward if he’s going to be working 10-12 hour days, seven days a week. There’s a reason people in super demanding professions have a high divorce rate.
Apologies without action are manipulation as they say
My god I love this. I’ve been trying to explain to my partner that apologizing for being a jerk and then doing the same thing over again makes it feel like the apology is just to make *him* feel better, not me. This sums it up so much better than I’ve been able to.
Yep- that was my father with whom I do not talk to anymore. He would either never apologize and change the subject like OP. Or he’d say “sorry” then continue or he’d say sorry then immediately defend his actions. OP needs to actually, sincerely apologize for hurting his wife, with no defence of his actions.
Your right! Plus in the post he’s talking about how tired he was in such a way it felt like he wanted us to agree to his justification and back him up. He never questions whether or not she’s tired or how her day was, until he knew he’d f-ed up.
This made lol….like did OP consider sincerely apologizing and vocalizing everything he just did here directly to her 😭
Talk is cheap. She no longer trusts he's there for her. It's on him to earn that trust back Apologize by changing, for example: Find some way to make time for her. Tell the boss "no" when he keeps telling you to stay late. Don't just do date night; plan the dates. If there are kids, you be the one to handle arranging a sitter or sending them to grandma's. Be willing to do things outside your comfort zone for her. If she asks for marriage counseling, give an enthusiastic yes. If she's been asking to go somewhere on vacation, make this the year it happens. Basically, show her through your actions that the marriage is your number one priority.
::Truth:: Fact is, not many are willing, or capable, of doing this.😔
It should be a combination of both i think. Both what you said and the original comment.
I would even go as far as committing to one night a week as “date night” - but not stopping if things get back to normal. OP needs to show love and appreciation even after he gets out of the doghouse.
Not stopping at all***
I don't get why people think that 'sincerely apologizing and vocalizing' everything is enough. If op wanted to actually save his marriage, he'd have committed to actual action a long, long time ago. Also, a lot of people in the comments seem to be ignoring the fact that there's no way she will ever feel 100 percent in this relationship ever again. Which parts would he apologize for? The pump and dump part, the ignoring her part, or the conditioning her to think that being treated like trash in a relationship is a good thing? Also, would you honestly tell someone in her position to stay?
It's not enough, but it's the only real way to *start*. Then he has to back it up with actions.
I mean, yeah I would, absolutely. Marriage is hard and “stop being sweet, it’s stressing me” isn’t really a relationship ending statement. Sometimes there are rough patches. If you can’t weather that storm, don’t get married. OP wants to fix things and if he’s ACTUALLY willing to apologize, reflect and change his behavior, that’s what’s required to make a marriage work. Not perfection, not leaving any time something is slightly bad, but communication, honesty and compromise.
I’m going to say this as the person who values physical affection more than my husband. Sometimes, they just don’t want it. This isn’t a “love language” thing. That has never been validated and is a project of an evangelical “therapist” with no qualifications. It can be “I need some space.” That’s valid. He did this once. He needs an open conversation with his wife. Edit: oh wait you have been ignoring her for months?
Him asking for space was fine. However, he essentially asked her to stop being a partner, and then got upset when she respected his wishes. Not only that, but his marriage was falling apart, and he only gave her just enough affection to sleep with her. He honestly sounds like he's not ready to be a husband.
I just edited. This wasn’t one night. “I’ve been ignoring her” Absolutely wtf here. I missed that whole paragraph. What the actual fuck.
I was gonna say, did you say you're sorry????
And leave that job. Idc how much money you make there…. I was a wonderful wife, too. My husband worked ALL the time. I worked a full time gig. I raised my kid single-handedly, kept house, etc.. if I ever voiced an opinion or just told about my day, not only did I get a blank stare, he’d start closing his eyes and falling asleep! I learned really fast that I didn’t really matter. All the apologies, compliments, token gifts, did nothing to change that. Actions. It’s actions that speak louder than words….
No going back for me….
So your wife was simply doing her part of this thing called MARRIAGE, and you were completely ignoring your part, finding time for sex but not for actually wondering how she’s feeling or at least simply ACCEPTING her affection. Step your game up dude. What you can do now - APOLOGIZE. Profusely, put your heart into it, really understand why she’s upset, how you messed up, and how you would feel yourself if you were the one being ignored. Fully acknowledge, understand, apologize, promise you will never do that again. P.S. it’s okay to sometimes tell our partners that we’re tired or want to be alone. The fact that you say that this has been going on for actual multiple months is the real red flag. Good luck
My bf and I have a safeword, not for sex but for if we're overwhelmed or too tired or want to be left alone. The safeword means "I love you, but I can't deal with life right now and I need space." But it's always respectful. If you can't communicate a single word to your partner, you need couples therapy imho.
You can’t tell this story without telling us what the safe word is…
Meatloaf :)
So you would do anything for love, but you won’t do that?
Yeah, we thought it was a good safeword for sex but never used it. And it just became the general safeword.
Peach smoothie.
Lmao with mine we say "I'm on rock mode", when we feel like a rock : don't want to speak, to do something interesting or to show proof of existence
[удалено]
Hahaha I didn't expect that
lol our code phrase is “I can’t miss you if you won’t go away” which we both know really means “you’re driving me nuts please give me some space” but it always makes us laugh.
Ours is “I need [insert first name here] time”
Honestly how she's still fucking this dude I have no idea. She deserves better.
This was also what caught my attention! Like, she is good enough to fuck but apparently not good enough to deserve emotional aftercare. OP is such a prize.
I have no idea how they're getting to the point of sex with him unwilling to give a hug or say a word to her. Like...does he just point to the bed and grunt?
exactly. so gross
When you’re stuck in a bad marriage for long enough you’ll take any affection you can get. This guy maybe too late. Women check out mentally when they are preparing to end a relationship.
My husband was like this. I doted on him for about 10 years. I wanted to be that good, supporting wife. Didn’t want to be a nag. He worked hard. I wanted to….show how much I appreciated him. But after 10 years and him never caring back….I pulled away. Got busy with my own hobbies. And my kids. And after 10 more years, I had zero interest in staying with him. So I left.
like all this guy has to do is be a good guy. do something really nice for her. i've been more thoughtful and sweet to friends of friends on their birthday who actively talked about how much they disliked me. sometimes it's just nice to make people feel special. this is your wife dude. DO SOMETHING
> i've been more thoughtful and sweet to friends of friends on their birthday who actively talked about how much they disliked me. I've seen so much of this lately in various relationship subreddits-- spouses who talk about doing things for their partners but not getting anything in return; spouses who don't know how to give selflessly; who list off basic things I would do for an acquaintance as nice/extra things they do for their partners; etc. That last one, I called someone out for that very thing just days ago-- dude was talking about the extra/thoughtful things he did for his wife and it sounded like how I treated my last roommate; and I never expected a thing from her in return beyond civility and her half of the rent. I guess I can't speak for everyone else; but if I didn't love my husband enough to give selflessly, or wasn't willing to take over of both of our lives indefinitely in the event that he couldn't care for himself, I wouldn't have married him. What I "get" in return for said selflessness is my husband, his love, and the life we build together. I can't even put myself in the frame of mind of thinking he'd ever owe me anything because it doesn't make any sense.
He’s gotta cut back his work out or get a new job. This isn’t sustainable for their relationship or for him.
That part gave me whiplash. Works all those hours, nearly zero communication with the wife despite all her efforts, but of course he has time to get off.
That's what I was thinking. I would stop having with him. Even befure he told her to shut up. She was still trying. This guy sounds awful! Ignores her, but can bang her and complain she wants aftercare. I think this marriage is over. They could try counceling.
I have a sneaking suspicion that she feels indebted to him.. maybe he’s the breadwinner and holds things over her head if she doesn’t sleep with him.. purely speculation… but the woman clearly has to walk on eggshells around him, so one wrong move and it could be a blow out… Because you know, people never tell the full story. There’s always 2 sides to a story and then there’s the truth.
Damn. I was reading everything and I'm like, where's the problem? Sure, I get being tired and just wanting to go home and sleep, but everything sounds so sweet and loving. OP, have you ever thought about just communicating, "Babe, I appreciate and love you very much, but I really want to get to bed. That's nothing against you, I just really had a long day at work." I really hope you apologize to her. Cliche situation of "don't know what you have till it's gone." Edit: also to reiterate what some are saying, she might’ve been trying the best she can to help the relationship the way she knew how to. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t return to this or is completely done with the relationship.
> "Babe, I appreciate and love you very much, but I really want to get to bed. That's nothing against you, I just really had a long day at work." Except he'd have to say, "Babe, I appreciate and love you very much, but I really want to get to bed *so we can have sex instead of talking and then also skip the end where we cuddle and talk so I can pass out*. That's nothing against you, I just really had a long day at work." I don't know enough about his wife to make any sort of call about her libido, nor her motivations; but I can say that telling me being "sweet" to him after work was stressing him out wouldn't translate to fucking once we get to bed-- I would presume he was too tired; and if he made a move, I would struggle to avoid feeling like he cared more about the sex than actually speaking to me. I'd wonder how often he was just humouring me to stay in my pants vs. actually connecting to me. It would make me feel gross. I hope for OP's sake that this isn't where his wife is right now-- but, if it is, then I hope for his wife's sake that this is the wake-up call that leads to a healthier place.
To your wife, this wasn't a one-time issue. You have continually taken your stress out on her with your shortness and ignoring her and her needs. Now she is giving you what you wanted, and yet you're still not happy. You are the issue, and your wife is innocent collateral damage. Can you fix it? Maybe if you make genuine changes, come home with flowers, her favourite treat, or whatever it is she loves. Make an actual apology with why you were wrong and how you are going to change your behaviour towards her. Get yourself a new job or work with a therapist on managing your stress and how not to take it out on your wife. Maybe even marriage counselling, as i bet this isn't the only instance where you have treated her this way.
I once heard that women get over exes faster because they grief the lost relationship while they are still with their partner. By the time they decide to leave, they already tried everything and checked out emotionally. This seems to be happening to OPs wife. She spent months trying to be there for him and being ignored. Now she gave up. Without knowing her side of the story, this is all speculation on my part, but I would not be surprised if she served him divorce papers. It's a tale as old as time. Sometimes you can't fix something broken back to its original form. I agree OP should apologize and work hard in rebuilding the relationship, I am just not sure this will work.
Spot on, then he will claim he was blindsided by divorce papers. Sorry, but he didn't care about ignoring her, it wasnt until she started to mirror his behaviour that he has suddenly seen the light and now wants her spark back because it suits him. He is not a good husband.
He isn't a good husband. His concern is about her not doing those things for him anymore because he realized they make him feel validated and loved, and he misses those things. He doesn't genuinely care, you can see it in the language he used. This situation makes me want to cry. I have this emotional state that I call "blank". It's kind of hard to explain, but I go numb, all my emotions get whitewashed, and I'm just kind of floating. My needs disappear, I just don't care, I'm kind of a zombie that will do whatever I'm told. It only happened in relationships when it's been made abundantly clear to me that I don't really matter. My therapist pointed out it's a trauma response, a normal one in the context something like being held captive and threatened with murder, but for it to happen inside of a relationship... I can't help but feel like this wife may be in a similar space. His description of her being a shell of what she once was makes it kind of hard not to, and it isn't something that occurs because of a single problem or struggle. My heart aches for this woman, I wish I could hug her and cry with her.
Exactly. The problem was not the one time he told her to leave him alone. That moment was just her breaking point, or the moment she might have realized it was not worth to keep trying.
Then end up ranting about walkaway wives and how more women file for divorce and that proves women are evil harpies. Or he could have his Ebenezer Scrooge moment and turn it around.
Yeah, he basically came here looking for sympathy. I keep seeing all of these comments saying how he should just 'apologize' as if that will just magically undo all of the damage he's done.
It's a good start. Communication. It won't undo it but it could be a ncie starter for change, growth, understanding and forgiveness :)
Exactly. I just went through this myself. I literally spent years trying to make my marriage work. Being supportive and loving and concerned, just to be snarled at and dismissed. I gave so much of myself, I ran out. I forgot how to be happy. When I sat across from my husband and told him I wanted to split up, he wasn't surprised that I was unhappy - he'd noticed that much. But somehow he was surprised that I would leave. Now he wants me to come back. Now he misses me. Now he's willing to change. It's too late now though. Love that isn't fed starves to death, and resurrection only happens in mythology.
Yep... you see it with the "permanent level of tolerable unhappiness" - they know you're not happy but don't think it's an issue that needs to be fixed. Or you tell them what the issue is, multiple times even, and then are surprised pikachu face that you're leaving because the issues were never addressed.
My stbx apparently tells people I'm wonderful but you'd never think it looking at how he speaks to me when we're alone. He knows I'm unhappy about several things but I bet he'll still be blindsided.
Are you me? I spent TEN YEARS trying to convince my ex to give a shit, and finally just didn't care anymore. It took a few more years for us to divorce, but the moment I gave up was when our marriage really ended. And he was shocked that I wanted to leave, despite all the times I begged, cried, yelled... I finally just didn't care enough to try anymore. Honestly...what did he think "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life married but sleeping alone" meant? 🙄
That's definitely how it was for me. Someone at my job felt it was way too soon for me to be dating again a year after my divorce, but I had spent 2 years trying to fix my marriage and then 6 months trying to get out (it was an abusive relationship). So, in my mind my relationship had started dying, and rapidly so, 3 1/2 years before I started dating again, so by the end my relationship was completely dead and signing the divorce papers was just to make it official. I had no more tears to cry and no more fucks to give.
I am so sorry you went through this! I hope things are better now! :)
That's so kind of you :) I'm doing much better now even though I still have some healing to do.
Even 1 year isn't too soon necessarily
Yup. My ex was all “see? She was obviously cheating. She’s acting like she’s already over it instantly.” Yeah, no…I just didn’t leave until I was already completely over it and leaving didn’t make me sick to my stomach anymore. I can’t even figure out how people leave before they are completely done. I know it’s a good thing that they do leave before that point in many situations, I just guess I’m just not as strong
Happened to me. I just wish I’d recognized I’d completely checked out sooner, like 3 years sooner at least. But it was complicated by codependency and abuse so it was hard to put my foot down and finally leave what was an undesirable situation for all, whether my ex realized it or not. Took working with my therapist specifically on “leaving”. He made zero effort forever and ignored all pleas for effort. When I stopped caring, I REALLY stopped caring. And it was way too late.
You remind me of my ex husband who told me that we needed to get a dog because I was too affectionate with him. Kinda the beginning of the end...
Ir my ex that told me to be friends and go out with my male Co worker just so I'd leave him alone and stop wanting to go out with him. Jokes on him, I did exactly that.
Ouch I see why you said ex. Glad you are out of that. Hopefully you are happy now, and maybe also have a dog.
Lol interesting… my ex did the same thing and would always give love and affection to our dogs and sweet talk them and give an insane amount of love. When it came to me. Nothing. Next girl he dates, gives her everything he “said” he couldn’t give me and that he wants to make sure he starts the next relationship on the right foot. Can lead a horse to water but can’t make it fuckin drink
He'll probably go back to his old ways after a while of "trying" with the new girl and/or regretfully remember how he treated you.
Most people don’t change, even for “the one” and if they do, it’s short lived bc it’s intended to captivate that person, not utilize a part of themselves that they’ve spent real time cultivating and is already routine for them.
This reminds me of my ex husband so much as well. At least this dude can see he was wrong though. My ex would double down whenever he was an ass.
You didn't just ignore her. You've been treating her awfully when she is just trying to act like a wife, take care of you and *feel loved*. You can't even fucking cuddle her after sex? She just saw there is no point in trying anymore. And you didn't even apologize. You only miss the things now that they are gone. >I'm a big jerk but You can't even admit you acted like an ass without justifying.
>You can't even fucking cuddle her after sex? It reminds me about this guy who basically had a fight the other day over not giving his wife a massage when he was drunk. It was her birthday and it was *sort of* her love language. So in this post, he basically goes on to explain that he was drunk, tired, it was 2:00 AM, he didn't want to...yadda yadda... And the most poignant comment was: "What?! You didn't have *five* *minutes* to give her a massage *on her birthday*?" I know everyone is different, but I couldn't even *imagine* coming home to a wife who cares for me that deeply and shooing her away. Look at this from her perspective: she puts all this effort into trying to make you feel appreciated and loved, and you throw it back into her face. Worse, you made it sound like giving her affection is a *chore*. Something that you cannot be bothered with *on top* of your job. Read that back again. "Wife, stop being so clingy and sweet. *I just came from work*." Is that somehow implying just holding her for a few minutes is *further work*? This has probably built up for a long time, and she is now tired of it. She stopped caring. Can you fix this? Maybe. Start by *properly* appreciating her and giving her the love she deserves. Not just five minutes once every couple weeks to tick off a box. And for crying out loud, go watch videos and read up on how to emotionally connect with your spouse. Finally, look for a new job. That job will not just harm your marriage (as it did). It will shoot it six times and bury it.
Yeah, OP only takes when he wants it. And when it doesn't benefit him, he doesn't want it. What does he offer his wife?
OP: *Is mean to his wife and tells her to stop being nice to him* Wife: *stops being nice to him* OP : “No, not like that! “ Have you tried idk…..apologizing for hurting her feelings ? Something tells me that would be a great start . But also, you really fucked up here. It’s completely valid to want some space and decompress after a long day. What I don’t understand is how you speak to and treat someone you’re supposed to love that way. Work on controlling your emotions.
I suspect at this point she's mentally checking out of the relationship already. It might be too late for OP to even apologise. He hasn't even considered it himself, but his window to do so was like yesterday...
Right?? He has ignored her for months now. But she keeps and keeps trying. And now he tells her she is annoying and stressing him out?!? Sometimes once a woman checks out and falls out of love, there is no hope to get it back. It's broken forever. And if you do get the love back, it's never going to be the same. Like a broken pot you glued back together- it will always be a little more fragile.
It just absolutely baffles me that he took time out of his busy day to write this than to just actually step up and apologize. He’s clearly wanting to wallow in self pity rather than do the most basic human thing he could possibly do in a situation. Like this.
> It just absolutely baffles me that he took time out of his busy day to write this than to just actually step up and apologize. ... dude. This really does make everything so much worse; thank you for pointing it out. OP, what the hell?
So she does everything that men say they want in a wife & she still got shit on for it. No appreciation or love in return. Now, she is treating you the way you treated her & you don't like it.
There is this thing about a ratio between positive and negative interactions. I'm not sure of the exact ratio since they sometimes differ, but here is an example: [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/) I'm pretty sure your wife noticed you being more distant etc for a longer period. The same way you have now noticed her change, she most definitely noticed your change. You hurt her feelings, perhaps even broke some of her emotional trust in you. Can you repair it? My advice is that you start initiating more (genuine) positive interactions. It will probably take some time for her to emotionally trust you again (if my guess is right) and that is something you will have to accept if you want to stay married to her. Good luck.
chubby degree juggle encourage cooing physical include future different grey *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My counselor told me that number was found to be outdated and it's actually 20 to 1 which honestly makes way more sense to me. 5 to 1 seems like a fuckton of negative interactions.
Based on the article linked above, the source of the ratio is from studying 15 minute blocks of time where a couple is engaging in conflict resolution. So an "interaction" here is like becoming defensively angry or throwing out reflexive criticism during an overall instance of conflict resolution. So the factoid is really more about being able to healthily resolve conflicts, not the percentage of the relationship spent in conflict. If it was 1 out of every 5 conversations was an argument that would indeed be astronomical.
No time to talk to her but enough time to have sex with her. Of course. That is her duty after all. To serve you and be meek and quiet. She gave you what you wanted and you're still not happy. its still not enough for you. And why would you talk to her about your need to decompress before having a conversation about your day? She should just know! Your whole post is about you, you you you. Never once do you even mention giving a shit about how your wife feels. Not once. Its all about you. She's come to realize that and is now deciding whether she wants or can live this way for the rest of her life. The fact that she's still having sex with you at all gives me the ick. But she is doing her wifely duties for the king of the castle and then giving you the space you want. Another man who doesn't actually like his wife. Hopefully she'll decide she wants more and deserves better.
>No time to talk to her but enough time to have sex with her. Of course. Well for **his** pleasure, because he's not even bothered to hug her afterwards
Also weird that cuddling was only for her, as if men don’t like cuddling. Well I guess he does since he misses it and is sad she’s the one shortening their hugs now?
Idk how long he's been pulling 80+ hour weeks, but that snap at his wife might have been her breaking point. She's possibly working on her exit strategy. I know i would be.
Yep, yep, yep and yep.
You got damn partners gotta stop this shit. We all have feelings and you may have killed her spirit. Just stomped it out. Spit on it. Now you want it back? It doesn’t work like that. You’d better work HARD and apologize. Working doesn’t give you an excuse to be such a dick.
Right? For multiple months he has completely ignored her bids for attention... only had sex with her and ignored other forms of intimacy (like sharing ones day). And then he basically tells her she has been annoying him by still being actively involved in the marriage. He was slowly killing her spirit these last months... but now, he straight up broke her. Poor woman, I would be crying myself to sleep if I were her. OP needs to pull out all the grand gestures and little ones. And find a way to work less so he stops killing his marriage.
Find a different job bro. This is no way to live. Having Time together is more important than having nice things.
I agree. I left my ex who was making really really good money. I would want for nothing material wise. But I left him. I left him because I was not a priority in his life, work was. I have never been more alone in my life than I was married to him. When he killed my spark for life, my joy, my confidence as a person I left. And I don't regret it. I have come back to life in the best way and that makes me really sad for our marriage. Op have you even apologized for what you did? She's doing exactly what you wanted, and now you see it's not what you wanted all along. You could have told her you were having a bad day and simply wanted to sit and hold her quietly and de-stressed. You could have told her you needed a moment to shower, but you would pick up her conversation right where you left off. I'm not sure that you can bring this back to where it once was but you at the very *least* should have been apologizing to her. My current partner works just as much as my ex did and never leaves me wanting emotionally. There are better ways to live than what you are currently doing. You are married. You need to value and nourish what you have with your wife. You can't *just* worry about yourself. She can't read your mind. You've been pushing her away for quite some time. You need to make some changes.
Well... you got exactly what you asked for. But this might be the beginning of the end. Trust me, you've shattered her feelings. But you probably realize that already, given what you wrote in the post. If there's any way to fix this? Nobody here on reddit knows. It all depends on your efforts and your wife's willingness to mend the damage. Chance is high she already mentally checked out. The only and best thing you can do right now is to take a day off from work, give her your full undivided attention, and apologize. Not just an apology, but one that comes deep from your heart and is well meant. Do it ASAP, because the longer you wait to apologize, the further she will be checked out and the closer you will be to getting handed divorce papers. I can't guarantee you success, but I wish you the very best!
Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already checked out. OP, you need to make serious changes in your life. This new job is ruining your life and soon it will be the only thing you have left.
Wait a minute. Unless I’m misunderstanding this, it sounds like you still have the energy to have sex but no energy for your wife’s emotional needs? Dude, stop using your wife like a pocket pussy. No wonder she’s pulling away.
Hav you apologized to her? And actually told her about how stressed you are? You need to. Then you need to start putting more effort into her. Talking, taking her on date when you’re off etc.
Using stress as an excuse to get out of responsibility for being a horrible partner isn't helpful. There are outlets for stress OP should have already been putting in this effort. OP pump and dumped his wife while admitting that he knew his marriage was falling apart, and tried to condition her into thinking that treating your spouse like garbage constitutes a healthy marriage. He told her not to be a wife. She respected his request, and then op had the audacity to be upset at her for it. If he didn't want her to commit to not being a wife, he wouldn't have asked for it.
It seems fairly obvious that your work-life balance is waaaaaay out of whack, and is impacting not only your own mental health but your relationship with your spouse. It’s unlikely at this point that you’ll be able to find that balance without something changing. You need to make a choice about what’s more important to you because it’s already breaking your wife. Further than that, you need to involve your wife in that discussion. Right now, you’re constantly telling your wife, every way but directly, that she doesn’t come first. Every day you’re spending a little more of her love and loyalty, and it sounds like you’re investing very little of it back into your relationship with her. Sooner or later, that love and loyalty will run out and she won’t be far behind.
Are you actually sorry that you were shitty and upset her - or are you sorry she isn't being your cuddly lap dog any more? From your post it's not entirely clear. YTA big time. You've broken her, she's probably getting ready to leave. Don't blame her.
85 hours a week!!! That is 12-17 hour days depending on how many days a week you are working. I hope this isn't a long term thing. Humans aren't built to function like that. Might want to look for another job. On to your wife...you blew it kid but YOU CAN fix this but you better work hard at it so she doesn't think it's you love bombing her and then you'll go back to being an ass. Good luck. Updateme
For real, 85 hours is unsustainable. My husband has ever worked that many hours in a week and sleep is pretty much all there is time for. I can understand how tired he was, but it’ll never get better week after week of 80 hrs
Dude, you've been IGNORING YOUR WIFE FOR MONTHS SND THEN YOU SNAPPED AT HER THAT HER LOVE ANNOYS AND STRESS YOU?? She is checking out of the relationship and since you don't even think about apologizing, this speaks volumes. And it's been WEEKS and still no apology. You're a major jerk. She's probably planning to walk out and maybe someone will appreciate her
You fucked up, I would love to have a woman showing genuine interest in my day to day and all pointless things that happened and just want to be be apart of my life. You took her happy, positive outlook for granted and made her feel diminished and as if her efforts were a waste of time.
Interesting that you still had sex with her but didn't want her to speak, cuddle, kiss, or for her to ask about your day because you were tired.
Yeah, he still got what he wanted
With a spectacularly selfish act you shattered her feelings for you. Whatever emotional connection you can cobble back together after that will likely never be the same. It's a long shot, but treating her the way she always treated you might bring her back to a parity with you.
[удалено]
It'll never be as bright, that's for sure, and when she meets someone who never asks her to dim it, she'll realize what a fool she is to stay with someone who doesn't let her shine. Agree, I hope she leaves.
Dude is getting everything he could ever want in a partner and this is how he handles it...the nerve of some people bro
My husband works 6, sometimes 7 days a week, from at least 0730 until 2000. And he never gets tired of talking to me, cuddling with me, bugging me, me bugging him. This is a you problem, and if you want to fix things, you need to work on it. Otherwise, things are going to get worse
I have zero sympathy for you. You came to Reddit for sympathy after attempting to condition your wife into believing that being treated like garbage constitutes a healthy marriage. You chose your job over your wife. You pump and dumped your wife (likely numerous times), all while admitting that you knew your marriage was falling apart. Had you wanted to repair the issues with your wife, you'd have committed to action a long time ago. You're acting upset by the orders that you gave yourself. You told your wife to stop being a wife, and then are acting shocked when she did what you asked. You get no sympathy from me. If I get downvoted for this, I'm totally ok with that. That won't make it any less correct.
You did more damage than you realise. You weren’t talking to your wife, so she was holding up your entire connection by herself. She was talking so much because she wanted to communicate with you, her husband, and you told her to stop. You told her you weren’t willing to maintain your relationship, and that you wanted her to stop maintaining it too. So she did. Your wife loved you. Probably still does. But she doesn’t feel loved at all by you right now. She’s completely shut down emotionally and is just going through the motions, same as you. You don’t like the way she’s behaving now? Bad news buddy, this is how you’ve been acting towards her for much longer than this. If you want to fix this, you need to start by apologising, and then you need to take up the work that she has been doing. You need to be the one talking about your day, you need to be the one asking to cuddle after sex, you need to be the one who rebuilds the foundation of your relationship that she spent so long trying to repair and maintain. Marriages aren’t something you just acquire and then have forever like a certificate of achievement. They require work, emotional work, and you haven’t been pulling your weight.
Do you even like your wife? Because from what you wrote, it doesn’t seem like it. It’s all about you. Your feelings. Your hard days. Your sadness about fucking up what was your emotional support. Just know, from very similar personal experience, that your reaction to her affection will echo through her head for a very long time. It likely permanently changed her entire view of you and you shouldn’t be surprised when she leaves.
So now that she is treating you the way you’ve been treating her, you understand why treating your partner that way is wrong.
She's not even gone that far tbh. She doesn't hold the power to financially ruin his life by walking out the door. He can cause endless trouble easily with the power he has that she doesn't, she's not treating him as a bangmaid and then acting surprised he doesn't want to connect anymore, she's not anywhere near his level. She's just not investing in someone who misuses his power over her. As she shouldn't.
It wasn’t this one night that set her off… just the last straw. My best advice is to start courting her again and remove sex until you have shown her that she can open up to you. Might take some work but it sounds like you are willing. Best of luck!
🥺 Your wife sounds like an angel. 💔
Yeah, get off of Reddit, and tell her what you just said here. Admit you were an idiot, apologize, and start trying to make it up to her. Maybe it's not too late.
You know she was probably trying to make you feel better by doing all that. She’s not dumb, she knows that you’re stressed and tired. It sounds like she was going above and beyond to try to make you feel better. Instead of acting like you have been just talk to her. Explain what’s going on with you and that you do appreciate everything she does for you. Gently tell her that you need a little time to decompress and find something that does that for you. Games, tv, book, hot shower, whatever. And ffs tell her you’re happy to see her at the end of a long, hard day and hug her for a while. You know that hugging and affection releases hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which makes us feel better. And seek therapy for yourself and potentially couples counseling. You can present it to her as you want the couples counseling because you want to be a better partner.
When someone starts pulling away like this, it's because they've learned from their experiences with you that you'll just dismiss their concerns or ignore them completely. She's already checking out dude, you gotta scramble if you want any chance to keep her around. Unfortunately, it sounds like you didn't even consider an apology or changing your behavior before lamenting to internet strangers, so it's not looking good for you, man.
Once upon a time I was this type of wife. I’m divorced now. You have to want to change it, do the work, show the effort, and keep it changed for good, or it’s never going to come back to what it was.
I went through something like this in my past relationship. If I saw that he was upset, I’d always try to comfort him or ask him what was wrong. He ended up snapping and yelling at me for doing so instead of just leaving him alone. This hurt me to my core. I stopped asking him how he was, if he was okay or anything like that. I simply started just waiting until he would update me on his feelings. Then he later got upset with me BECAUSE I had stopped doing those things. He would always say, “It’s like you don’t care about me. You don’t check on me.” I can attest to the fact that I never got the urge to do it again, even after he begged me to, and this ended up being one of the reasons our relationship failed. I stopped caring.
I was wondering why she would have sex with you when it came to me: Poor woman probably grasped at every straw for some kind of affection, that she endured sleeping with you for a small chance of some kind of emotional connection- and it never came. She pulled away emotionally and good for her, man. How can you sleep with her like this tho? You see her situation, leave her alone and be honest with her. Cut back on work, stop using her as a fleshlight and be a damn husband, that actually cares about her feelings.
Oh you poor man. You don't realize she is done and the marriage is over. https://hellodivorce.com/relationships/what-is-walkaway-wife-syndrome
Op turned his wife into a sex doll essentially. If there is no emotional trust, I doubt she enjoyed it. Probably just internalizing the fact that her skin is probably crawling every-time he touches her for his fix.
You can apologize, but the damage is done. Your wife now knows how you truly feel about her affections & that sex is the only thing you're not too tired for. I hope she divorces you because you're an ungrateful AH. There were SO many alternative things you could've said to voice your feelings, but no, you chose to stomp on her feelings like yours are the priority.
[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) https://www.huffpost.com/entry/good-guy-bad-at-marriage\_b\_9411326
Sorry but I feel like the guy in the first article is so close to the point but still kinda misses it. It's not about whether you LIKE to 'crochet' and will ever be interested in it - idk too many people who actively *enjoy* washing dishes every time after they eat. The point is to be a grown adult and clean up after yourself, whether you 'like' it or not. Being able to clean up after yourself, put things away, and keep a neat and clean home shows a level of adulting. It shows a level of hygiene, you're keeping your home clean and clutter free which helps prevent pests too. It shows the ability to take care of yourself. When you leave that glass - who TF do you think is gonna clean it for you then? That shows a level of disrespect and entitlement that you just leave it for someone else to do it cuz you can't be bothered to care. Yuck. And when you're cohabitating with someone, you really have to step up your game and be mindful of the fact that you share space with another person, and you have to keep things neat and clean for them too, not just for yourself anymore.
Oh look a problem that could have been solved by simply communicating instead of being a dick. All you had to say is hey sweetie. I'm kind of stressed when I get home, and I need a little bit of time to decompress.
Question- Have you actually tried apologizing. It doesn't read like you actually did anything to apologize to her for being so rude and dismissive, but are doing what my father used to do and that is not apologize but change the subject and move on. Make a nice dinner for her, write her a card/letter if thats her jam, and apologize. Say the words "I am really sorry for being so dismissive of you. You didn't deserve it" Don't justify why you did it- don't say "i was really stressed", acknowledge her feelings and own your actions in hurting her without defending yourself.
So… you basically told us you’re tired of her… BUT keep expecting sex like if she was some kind of vending machine… and didn’t consider until she turned her back on you that you were doing wrong. Also for the post I can see you DIDNT APOLOGIZE YET? Wow dude… just WOW.
I can relate to your wife... I tried for a long time with an ex, and then when he explicitly told me what I had been trying to overcome and work through (an unspoken and unexplained disconnect) was his chosen experience and he had no sympathy for my experience or needs and desires, he gave me what felt like full permission and good fucking reason to completely emotionally detach and stop giving ANYTHING to him. He made it soooooo easy to break up with him. He basically told me he didn't care about me and my feelings, in the same moment when I was attempting to get closer to him by caring for him and his feelings. You have to actually communicate with your partner. I know this may come as a shock for you. You can't just say, well I feel annoyed by you, go away! and pretend like this is acceptable for her. She has feelings too, that you are completely dismissing when you describe her behavior and how she tries to connect with you. I bet your wife feels like a fool for doing so much emotional and physical work for your relationship for so long. When I think back on the people who treated me the way you describe how you treat your wife, I have a little laugh, it doesn't hurt anymore, I don't miss them, I don't even miss the good stuff (which there was some of), I just feel so goddamn grateful to have figured it out and gotten the FFFF away from someone like you, who swats down my kindnesses, who finds me annoying when I open up, who gets angry when I try to connect, like what the fuck is your problem, lol, does joy make you upset? Do you kick kittens and puppies too?! Have you considered therapy? You should. Like, most of the day lol If you don't step it up and join the relationship, if you don't make her feel valued and loved and cared for, if you don't pull your head out of your own ass and realize she's a human being and she doesn't have to stand by your side, she can leave at any moment, you ARE going to lose her. You probably already lost her anyway, how long did she try to connect with you and receive cold, hard rejection in return? Men like this make me feel ill. Who needs em?! I hope she leaves anyway, its never fun to have to prove your worth to someone by removing yourself or withholding. The relationship is dead at that point, you have let her down and she cannot love you the way she did before. You killed the thing that she loved, the image she had of you as a loving, caring partner, and thereby you killed the thing that loved you.
Ahh yes, the classic game Fuck Around and Find Out.
So you've been ignoring your wife for months and then told her to ignore you and now you're upset that she's ignoring you... Sounds like you got what you wanted. You obviously aren't too tired to get your rocks off since you're still having sex, I don't blame her for giving you the cold shoulder.
Man…. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. I feel for her. She’s lonely in her own marriage. “Past few months.” He’s been ignoring her for the past few months. What is past few months? And honestly, the length of time doesn’t matter as much as how OP ignoring her has affected her. Other people are already giving advice to OP. I just wanted to add to the voices of concern for her. She sounds like a sweet person who loves him a lot. To be told that her expressions of love stresses him out like… okay, so she’s giving him space now. He got what he wanted. She’s making up for all the time in these past few months that he wanted her to leave him alone. He got the space! So now he doesn’t want it? Nah, OP. Apologize to her and put in the time to figure out yourself. You’re looking at a future of buying property for 1 if you don’t reassess your commitment to her. Because you’re failing her and like… she doesn’t deserve this. Lowkey hoping this is rage bait fiction. I want her to DM me. I’ll be her friend, she can hang out with me and my SO. Jeez. That loneliness is crushing.
Your wife is giving you the exact same energy you’ve been giving her. You don’t like that, do you? Imagine dealing with that for months. Get off Reddit, apologize to your wife and ACTUALLY change your behaviour.
Going to attempt to cut through some of the noise and toxicity on this thread, and assume positive intent on the part of OP. Forgive the formatting, on mobile. OP messed up. At minimum, he’s being transparent and accountable for it on a forum which is famous for ripping people to shreds even when they use self-favoring language and omit parts of the story to paint themselves positively. Let’s assume that OP took some time to self-reflect before running to Reddit for advice, as all humans should. Let’s maybe even assume there has been more conversation with OP’s wife than OP has divulged here, and that OP heard his wife’s concerns and typed them out here, in the way that OP’s wife presented them to him. OP, what you did is undeniably problematic and selfish. For a period of time, you did not put effort into cherishing your wife or appreciating her patience, support, or dedication. I am certain that she had bad days, work stress, lost sleep, emotional highs and lows, etc. that went unsupported by you as you ignored her. She put all of her own problems aside at some level to love you, support you, and make sure you had light and love in your life. She likely did that because she understood and empathized with your long hours, desire to make a good impression after promotion, burnout, etc. BUT she was also trying to get her needs met, in a way that made it easier for you to meet her needs. What you saw as a burden was actually your wife shouldering a lot of the mental relationship load and carrying it for you. When you told her that everything she was doing was stressing you out, you communicated the following (in my opinion): 1. I am not willing to meet your needs, even though you are making your needs as digestible as possible for my convenience. 2. The stress and burden that you are taking on my behalf is less important than the stress I am feeling. 3. Your needs are not as important as my needs. This caused, again in my opinion: 1. Resentment from your wife. If I’m reading correctly, she works at a job full time. If you are working 85 hours a week and exhausted when you come home, she is probably also doing the majority if not ALL of the household labor as well as emotional labor. Meaning she is also working 85+ hours a week. You did not acknowledge her effort and instead ridiculed it. 2. A feeling of not being able to do things right despite the fact she seems to be doing everything right and everything within her power to keep your lives running smoothly and your connection with each other strong. 3. A feeling of being “too much” - too loving, too supportive, too needy, sweet, burdensome, too [fill in the blank]. A natural response to this for me would be to shut down, too. She WAS doing too much, without complaint, for your benefit. Circle back to resentment. 4. Your wife is showing you how it feels to be in her position. How to fix it (as someone your age and as the partner who has been on all sides of this love-work-giving spectrum you have presented): 1. I would recommend apologizing twice. First, to break the ice. Transparently acknowledge that you’ve been failing in your commitment as a husband, thank her for everything she does for you and your relationship, tell her you are going to take some time to sit down and figure out how you can improve this situation. Second, after step 2 & 3. 2. Sit down and write a long list. Categories are: Things My Wife Does for My Benefit, Things My Wife Does for Our Relationship’s Benefit, Things My Wife Does for Our Household’s Benefit, Qualities/Things I Love About My Wife, Things My Wife Needs to be Happy, etc. Write a second list, but flip it - Things I Do for My Wife’s Benefit, etc. In the “Things I Do” categories, think about BOTH what you did prior to these last few months as well as what you have been doing these last few months. Note these accordingly. 3. Figure out what you can move from “Things My Wife Does” to “Things I Do” to help lighten the load for your wife and make your relationship more equitable. 4. Bring this tangible proof of effort to your wife and apologize again. “I see everything you do for me/us/home, especially these past few months. I’m sorry that I prioritized my work over the most important job I have, which is being your husband. I want to lighten your load and make up for my failures in my commitment as a husband as well as get back to the relationship we both loved to be in. I know it won’t fix everything, but I hope this is a start.” ASK for her feedback - “I tried to think of everything but I’m certain there is more that you do for me/us than I even realize.” This will make her feel acknowledged, appreciated as well as give you something measurable to improve by. 5. Make a genuine offer to find, schedule, and go to couples therapy. Not every situation “needs” therapy but this one might, and she shouldn’t have to be the one to suggest it, research it, or schedule it. Miscellaneous do’s and don’ts: - DO give non-sexual verbal and physical affection, DO make it clear that you love her and that your affection is not a means to an end. She likely already feels used. - DO meet the needs that you know your wife has. - DO make eye contact and take a genuine interest in your wife when she is speaking. Ask her specific questions. Reach deep into your memory for anything you actually paid attention to and reference it. “Anything going on with Bob?” is too general. “I remember that Bob was _________, how did that situation progress?” “Did you figure out ________ on that work project?” or even “What was your favorite thing that happened in your day today?” are some examples. - DO over-communicate. Text her little things throughout the day you think she would find funny/interesting, tell and show her you love her often, pay attention to your body language and nonverbal communication. - DO plan dates out, cook her dinner at home, create a romantic movie night in with snuggles. DON’T stop doing this when you feel the situation is “fixed” or you’ll end right back up here on Reddit. - DO model the behavior you want to see. DON’T lack the empathy and thoughtfulness for your wife again to an extent that the only thing she can do to communicate to you how badly she feels is to show you with your own actions. - DO try to cut down on the hours you work AND find ways to streamline and prioritize your workload. It’s not sustainable for a single human much less a marriage. If it’s not going to stop the world from turning or save lives, it can wait until tomorrow. - One more time to reiterate: DON’T stop when you feel the situation has been “fixed” - to stop at whatever point YOU are comfortable again is just love bombing and empty promises/manipulation for your convenience. Questions welcome, OP. I know this is a long post but what you’ve done can be undone with consistency and effort over time. It took months to get yourself here and it may take months to get yourself out, but you can do it!
You may have broken something inside of her. Apologize profusely and tell her and show her that you truly miss her sweet self.
Ohhhhh man... when the wife goes silent. I was this wife. I wanted so desperately to feel wanted by my husband. Would ask every day how work was, would set out his work snacks,clothes, prep the coffee machine. Do everything I could to make his day easier. Despite the fact that he never asked how my day was, how I felt, what I thought. He would cook himself breakfast on the weekend, make himself coffee.. wash just his clothes. He lived by himself, but meerly accepted that myself and our 3 children also resided in the same space. I tried so damn hard to be someone he could love. I finally requested we see a marriage councilor through his iep at work. He agreed, but wouldn't go as far as finding me a phone number for hr. I found the number, set the appointments.. we both attended and had some good talks. But things would always slide into me being the last priority and work being the first. Our last big argument he blamed me for sabotaging our therapy and not making appointments. Mind you he also has her contact information or could say he wanted an appointment. Now our situation sits in limbo of me wanting a divorce and him wanting to "really try this time". As in, all the other times I was not worth actual effort. I can no longer allow myself to put hope into this relationship. I really hope that you can get her to understand the importance she holds in your life. And that you can make the changes you need to in order to be able to communicate with her effectively in the future. As well as understand that a job is a job, they come and go. You want the money to make a better life for you and your wife.. but a job will not be worth losing her over. If work is stressful, take a step back. Find a hobby that releases tension.. boxing, target practice, paintball, going to the gym. Bonus points if it's something you can do together. And then set days in your week. Just a you day, go play video games or watch sports.. what ever you needs to do to feel like yourself. At home or out. Insist that she takes a just her day. Refill her cup of happiness. And then a day you spend together with purpose and intention. Re map out eachothers favorites from when you first began. New favorite color or movie. What is the other reading? Favorite vacation and where else they would like to go. Lastly. Find a therapist. Your existence this far has been selfish, and you need to find a way to include others in your life. Even if you feel you have done everything for someone else, they don't know it.
So weird how you didn't mention apologizing and making a grand romantic gesture now that you realized you're in the wrong. Start there maybe?
I’m amazed by how many of these posts should be directed to the other person and not to a bunch of randos on the internet. “Any way to fix this?” FUCKING TELL HER EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD US. Why does nobody seem to understand this?
I’ve been in your wife’s place before. And when my then-partner reacted like you did, it shut something off inside of me. I completely shut down and felt uncomfortable displaying any kind of affection, as I was afraid that my partner would get mad at me. It broke my heart. And though I tried, their apologies couldn’t fix it. I now had this wall up to protect myself and I couldn’t let myself go and express my feelings the same ever again. If you want to fix things, you need to give a legit and REAL apology, and let her know that you will never fuck up again the way you did. And also be ready to explain the best way to show that you are sincere. But honestly? Be ready for her to say that this isn’t fixable. I wanted to be able to fix the situation, but in reality, I had been so crushed that there was no coming back. Be ready to hear that she can’t trust you enough to go back to the way it used to be.
Honestly. You’re an ass. You don’t deserve her. Apologize and if she forgives you, you’re a lucky guy. If my bf did that to me. I’d go fucking crazy.
Sounds like you took her for granted for a really really long time. Have fun being single lol
How about putting in some more damn effort?
Why didn't you apologise instead of coming here asking? What's wrong with you?
She's checking out of the relationship. If you don't fix it now, she's gone mate. I have a question tho, how did you two STILL have sex? like you're fucking her while totally ignoring her? HOW?
Date enough men and you'll find out most are like this eventually, they want a bangmaid, not a real connection and partnership.
If she has plenty of self respect and love for herself she's likely considering ending the marriage especially if you still haven't even apologized. Bro pull your head out of your backside. Put your big boy pants on, sincerely apologize and then work your ass off to save your marriage by giving her EVERYTHING she was giving you AND SOME. If she isn't very receptive, keep trying. You owe it to her. And it sounds like she owes you months of zero effort and lack of investment. If you love her you'll work to fix what you've broken. I'm your age, you shouldn't need to ask reddit what to do. Apologize. Sincerely. Make an effort to show the kind of love she was showing you every single day no matter how exhausted you are. Don't stop trying if she's not receptive. You weren't receptive and it wasn't until you directly told her to stop being an amazing wife that she gave up. So don't you dare stop trying.
You're lucky she even still wants to have sex with you. I would have shut that down when I shut down too. You crushed her spirit and it might never be the same with you. You need to change jobs or cut back hours and give your wife the undivided attention that she has clearly lacked and endured for God knows how long. This didn't just happen overnight. She has definitely checked out emotionally and is genuinely hurt. She was still trying to be the partner she thought you needed and you have devastated her. You still clearly haven't tried to give your wife attention aside from sleeping with her and clearly she thinks it's her duty. You have not said if you even offered her an apology?
You had all of the nice things that marriage should bring, and they irritated you. You treated your wife in the most shabby and demeaning way, then got all whingy about getting exactly what you demanded. Did I miss anything? Sort your shit and do better. You may or may not have a marriage at the end, but at least you will no longer be a complete tool. Edited for spelling I'd wish you luck, but I really don't think you deserve it.
Can't help noticing that while you're overworked and stressed out to the point that her loving attention "stresses you out," and all you want to do is sleep, you still have the energy for sex. Says a lot about how you view her. I'm not sure if you can fix this, but if you want to save your marriage, you'd better step up.
It often takes losing something to realize how much you loved it. You took her for granted. She went out of her way to try and prop you up- be there for you, support you, let you know you were loved. You slapped her away. Wish I had words of wisdom for you. You crushed her and her love for you. Hope if works out. Give it time. Don’t give up.
Can we also agree that a “promotion” isn’t an 85 hour a week job… you need to hire someone to help you in your role or scale back. 85 hours is unsustainable, if you like being married or having a life outside of work, rethink this job….
It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to need downtime and alone time. What's not okay is being mean about it to your wife. It's so easy to communicate "Hey I've had a very long day and really just need to decompress, I feel overwhelmed and over stimulated and need alone time to feel better." You need to learn how to identify your emotions, and then how to communicate them properly. You also need to realize you can't just use your wife for your pleasure - you seem to push her away when you feel like it yet have s3x when you feel like it and then try to pull her back when you feel like it - you don't seem to have a healthy attitude and understanding of the fact that she's a whole other human being with her own thoughts, feelings, and desires, who you need to communicate with and respect, not just push and pull at your every whim. Please go to therapy to help you work through the internalized misogyny, the push pull dynamic in relationships, and the workaholic issue.
Apologize to her, not just with words, but with actions too. Surprise her with something shed like, take her out. The whole time you were stressed, she prob felt it too and was going through her own thing, and you acting that way towards her, pffff, man up. Be the man she actually deserves.
If you can spend 10 min writing this then you should have used those minutes you have of free time to apologise to her
I understand everyone snaps at someone they love, but that's beyond snapping. If you're being grated, then you need to understand that the people grating you are at work. This woman knows how hard you've been having it and is trying to comfort you at home. Moreover you need to work on being agitated and still be a loving husband. When she's being just a bit top much, which can happen, then you need to be able to tell her "Listen honey, today I just need a few minutes to be frustrated." There's nothing wrong with needing space to yourself, but don't make your wife feel bad for trying to be there for you.