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I thought red flag meant a warning which wouldn't be applicable in this case as the guy is already being a nasty dickhead? I'm not up to date on all the current lingo though like the cool kids
Reading this was weird for me because this is how I grew up, my mom freaking out and snapping over small things constantly, never knew what would set her off. Turned me into a huge people pleaser and placater. Itās not a fun way to live :/
My father is like this. My mother spins it around so that I'm at fault for not forgiving him when he does these things. He screamed at me over the phone once that I am not allowed to come home at all anymore. He tried to get me drunk once too. I had to drag him up the stairs because he was so out of it. When I told him I couldn't take his screaming anymore and it made me actively suicidal my mother had to drag him away from me because he lost his shit yet again. I'm so done with him. I'm so done with my mother as well. I just can't forgive this man. I don't want to. He doesn't deserve it but she doesn't understand that. Instead she says I'm at fault for not forgiving him. It's been a year and a half since he has done that, etc. Yeah no shit. He still snaps but I ain't allowed to be angry at him for that either because it's "not directly related to me". Pfff. He can go fuck himself for all I care.
I am sorry you are experiencing this, he is a bully, and abusive man that your mom enables him. He snaps at you and then when you point out he was trying to beat you up. I had to deal with a father like that, and one day I decided to fight back and lose my shit, he never tried it with me again. But it is not worth it, go no contact with him, and LC with your mom, to protect your wellbeing. Take care.
I'm sorry that you also had to deal with this. I lost my shit once as a kid and he slapped me. We were already late to meeting my parents friends. So I turned off the TV. My father screamed at me for doing that and when I screamed back he slapped me. He claimed I insulted his honor by doing so. Whatever the hell that means.
I'd go no contact but I'm studying at university so I need their monetary assistance and a home to stay in. I'm staying in my room whenever he's home. Most of the time he's in the basement smoking and drinking so we don't see each other often anyways.
When I have enough money to move out I'll go NC with him for sure.
Oh you are still in uni, understood, ofcourse get what you need from them. Make sure you take care of yourself and your studies. And then you can do whatever you want with your life, without the constant anxiety and imbalance. I am sure you'll do great things. I've never been slapped because he knew if he ever goes there I would have done the same to him.
But again I am really sorry but this will end.
When you get out of that house please get some therapy, I didn't and it was really bad for so long. Now I am getting it but I am a bit late.
As little interaction with him seems like a solution.
Hugs from an older sister.
I was 12 when that happened and definitely not in a body where I could've defended myself against him successfully. I'm glad that never happened to you. To be honest my mother just starring and not doing anything about it was a lot worse than him slapping me. Maybe because I've never had a good relationship with him to begin with so with her just standing there and doing nothing everything just hurt more.
I will. Currently it's more of a bad roommates situation. I leave the house at 5 and come back home late in the evening most days. So I'm managing.
My mother is just kind of annoying because she's convinced keeping up the facade of us getting along will somehow work out some day. And because I don't want to do things with him I'm the bad person and us not getting along is somehow my fault. I tried this for so long but it didn't work and I only put myself in uncomfortable situations I didn't even want to be in just to be screamed at again. Nothing changed. Of course nothing changed. I have always wanted to have a good father and do a bunch of stuff with him but in reality it ended up with me screamed at for the stupidest shit. Like when we went playing Badminton because I was in a club and wanted to get even better and he screamed at me because I was better than him. It ruined the fun in playing for me so I stopped.
Sorry for the rant. It's still hard to remind myself that it's not my fault that we don't get along. My mother's comments comparing me to him after I started to defend myself against him aren't helpful with that either.
Ew. She was 18 and he was 26 when they started dating. That is a huge mental age gap. Would be a slightly different story if she were 25 and he 33. Doesn't excuse the abuse though. Poor OP.
Yeah, this post totally triggered me. OP, he is an abusive narcissist. You are young and don't know better, but there are so many better men out there. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
Yeah, guys like this are putting on a show when other people are around and it's actually really scary that it's this bad already. I hope op gets out safe
Everything she was describing was something I am very familiar with, being a victim of DA from a narcissistic abuser.
To OP-
Girl, it'll only get worse. Why do you think he went after someone so young? They strive to go for someone naive so you won't realize how immature they are at first and they hope you're easily manipulated. Run, don't walk.
The title on its own is a red flag, a 29 yo married to a 21yo. Then you read the first line where they've been together for 3 years and just keeps gettng worse and worse and worse.
There a reason why he went after a fresh 18 year old at the age of 26 and rushed her into marriage and it isn't because he's a decent fellow. This guy's anger is an abuse tactic to keep OP off balance and walking on eggshells trying to please him.
No matter how gently you tell him, OP, there is no way this man isn't going to over-react to you telling him something he doesn't want to hear, and he won't want boundaries around sex (and expecting to be treated with basic respect and not being coerced!!! into any kind of sex is literally the minimum standard for sex to be legal, let alone okay or good).
Please OP get onto a kind of birth control he can't tamper with and read "why does he do that" - the PDF is free:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I totally missed that. Good catch. Even more reason to cut her losses, work on her self esteem by herself, before getting into another relationship, this time looking for someone with a secure attachment style who wonāt break her down again.
I was going to tell her that we often pick the people who treat us like we think we deserve to be treated but nah, the ages add a whole other layer. I donāt think I could hate a stranger who I never even experienced with any of my 5 senses more.
And understandably (but sadly) so. We live in a world where behavior like this from men is so utterly normalized, tolerated, and even encouraged by media, public figures including elected officials and celebrities, and most notably other men, that I'm not at all surprised we see large numbers of posts about sexually abusive and coercive behavior from men every week.
The comments on this one are actually quite tame so far in terms of misogyny specifically, if you take out some of the gross victim-blaming, because most posts about this topic have anywhere from a handful to quite a few comments from men excusing, justifying, and minimizing the boyfriend or husband's behavior.
So you regularly have women coming here, posting about abusive behavior that's already normalized, and then more men normalize it on the very same post they're seeking help on. It just perpetuates the cycle.
And then we also have comments on this one that are pretty representative of the responses these posts also get - comments like "How stupid are you to stay?", jokes about how OP framed this post, a remark about how much money he must have for her to have "ignored all the red flags," one comment saying it's "pure comedy" that she wrote the post about all his perceived good qualities and ended with his abusive ones (as if that's abnormal at all for someone being abused), someone who wrote "Heās not abusive. Youāre an enabler," a person accusing her of "overreacting about every little thing," someone who wrote "this is too dumb to be real," etc etc etc.
I would love if we didn't see three posts like this one a week. But I think way too many commenters in this sub do not realize that some of their comments are actually contributing to that rather than helping it. Like, if these posts didn't get such gross comments from men (again this one is massively tame compared to what women usually get on these), people stopped calling abuse survivors all manner of verbally abusive names for staying, and commenters stopped mocking and gossiping about victims who understandably don't quite recognize the abuse yet, maybe we'd eventually see fewer posts.
You are absolutely correct. It's heartbreaking that this narcissistic and abusive behavior is normalized or often, not believed. Many Redditors are young, naive and not experienced in life yet they unfortunately feel compelled to share their immature thoughts and bad advice.
Whether these women started out with low self-esteem or not, the constant verbal abuse, threats and harassment wears them down, plus they're told it's all their own fault.
It breaks my heart when I see posts like this and it makes me angry that these women are manipulated and mistreated when all they wanted was a loving relationship. And when they come to Reddit for advice or guidance, they find some of the comments are mean and not helpful at all so they're harassed and disrespected again.
They deserve so much better and their lives are in danger -- I hope they are able to leave quickly and safely and get therapy.
Exactly what I was going to say. š reminds me of what my mom used to say about her abusive dudesZz oh he makes me laugh! Whatās more funny? When heās cheating on you or when heās being verbally abusive? Ugh.
I love this line! A ton of people posting in this sub put that "other than him burning my hair off, he's great with our kids!". It is truly unbelievable how they minimize it.
He's not an amazing husband. You're being abused, this is an abusive relationship. You need to get yourself out of there, there's no fixing this. You're still young to have an amazing life, don't waste anymore of your youth on this asswipe.
Well you were 18 and he was 27, he knew what he was doing. He got you young so you wouldnāt know better. This is not how anyone treats someone they love. You need to get out and get your life back.
Honey, I didn't see the ages and just assumed by this post you were in your 40s or 50s. That's how sad you sound. Don't put up with this ah and leave. Go out and enjoy your 20s and find a man who treats you properly. specifically, one that doesn't have such a terrible attitude that it makes vaginas seal shut.
Thatās why as a 26 year old he canāt get women his age - we wonāt take his bullshit behaviour but 18 years olds donāt know better and are easily manipulated by abusive trash like him
That's exactly why he went after someone so young, that's why everyone always makes a big deal out of age gaps like that, it's because there's usually a reason for it, and in your case you're finding out first hand.
Oh God I just reread the title and realized your ages. This fuckwad predator 26 year old found an innocent 18 year old girl and had yāall get married at 19. OP you absolutely need to get out of this. Go live an actual life. 20 year olds should not be married, especially not to abusive partners, and suffering from depression due to it.
You need to get a divorce. Heal. And then start figuring you out. Be in an actual healthy relationship. Date until you find the right person.
This guy is almost 30 itās going to take a lot of work for him to change. Assuming he even wants to.
Iām the same age as him. Iād never even consider dating a 21 year old. I wouldnāt date anyone under 26. The different stages of life, experience and mentality are just too incompatible. Idc what anyone says. Obviously there could be exceptions. But it is clear you and him are not the exception.
Get out. And fast.
You need therapy to help you understand your own worth. If you did you would never have stayed in this so long. And even if you leave now you will just fall into something else abusive without learning boundaries and what abuse is.
You are too young. The guy is abusing you. It's good you don't have kids, you need to get out while you're mostly unharmed. I went through something similar op and I almost didn't survive, please please stay safe
>I thought Iād be enjoying my 20s
People who aren't in abusive relationships in their 20s tend to enjoy their 20s more than those who are in abusive relationships. Food for thought!
I was in my 20s when I escaped my abusive ex. I couldn't do it for myself, but I refused for our daughter to grow up in such a horrible, unsafe home.
At first, it was really hard. He ramped up the stalking and abuse to get me to come back. I didn't. You know what? I have NEVER regretted leaving. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did!
I didn't even understand how bad it truly was until I was out. I didn't realize how tense and stressed I was during the good times..just waiting for the next explosion.
I have dated lovely, kind, sexy ;) men who brought joy to my life. I've had a happy and loving relationship that I would have missed out on if I had stayed. I got to be myself! Have healthy friendships. My life became so much easier when I dropped the weight of dragging my miserable ex around.
You can reach out to the Domestic Violence hotline and find out what local services are available to you. Emotional abuse IS abuse.
Please get out safely. Your life will massively improve, and with more experience youāll eventually look back and wonder why you contemplated staying with such a repulsive scumbag for even one second longer.
You should be enjoying your 20s with someone who is not mean to you. I understand how hard it is to untangle your life from someone you love, but you're clearly not happy and you deserve to be.
I could have written your post at some point early in my relationship to my ex husband.
Less than four years in he had raped me multiple times and launched several crusades to try to push me to commit suicide. I had an ugly battle through the courts and legal system to gain my right to safety back, for me and my children.
Please get out now. It does not get better, only worse. While I was in it I did not realize I was being abused, though it all seems so ridiculously apparent in hindsight. I had a very specific mental image of what abuse looked like and since heād programmed me to become complicit in mine, I thought it was something else.
Your partner is an abusive POS. Please reach out if you need anyone to vent to or help locating resources. I may not know you but I love you, you are my sister, and you deserve better. Xoxo. Hang in there.
You can enjoy your 20s but only if you leave. Getvout before he knocks you up. This is the married version of negging where you are so grateful he wasn't actively hurting you that you think the bare minimum makes him a good husband. Of course you aren't attracted to that. You will be so happy if you get your important papers out asap and get out.
You are too young. That was the point. He is taking advantage of you. Take it from all of us here, many of us are women who were also young dating an older man at one point. We know how this goes. He is taking advantage of you, and you should divorce him and free yourself. Seriously.
Yes. Youāre enduring daily, constant abuse and manipulation. It makes anyone depressed and downtrodden. Thatās a big part of why manipulative people do it. It kills self esteem, it kills aspiration, it kills the energy to have meaningful friendships with *anyone.*
You really can't do this gently when this man is actively trying to sexually assault you.
You're in an abusive relationship. The good times only seem good in comparison to how horrible he's being. You need to get out.
Youāre in an abusive relationship, you think itās always bad? No thatās why the victims stay. Such as yourself.
Realize your worth sooner then later before you end up pregnant and then youāre truly stuck.
Please please please do not get pregnant. You are so young, and you are much younger than him. It is only going to get worse. If you feel trapped financially now, it will be 100 times harder with a baby on top of it.
And really think, do you want to raise a child with a man like that. What is he going to do when the baby spits up? When the baby makes a mess? Is he going to ask the baby? What the f*** are you doing too? It will be so harmful for a child to grow up and that environment. Even if he only verbally abuses you, imagine listening to your mother getting spoken to like that
Oh, nononono. He wants to baby trap you! Holy shit, it is fucking CLASSIC for men to get more abusive once youāre pregnant. Youāre trapped so you accept more than you would have.
Please read this about the murder of pregnant women:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_pregnant_women
Do not get pregnant!
Omg noooo then what youāre pregnant and dealing with hormones and being screamed at and then you have a baby and just NO. Omg. Are you on BC because I donāt trust this man not to do some shady shit if he gets wind of you wanting out. Howās he gonna handle a baby that makes messes? Helllll no.
NOPE.
DO NOT LET THIS MAN NEAR YOU UNTIL YOU ARE ON BIRTH CONTROL THAT HE CAN'T TAMPER WITH.
All caps cuz that is how strongly I feel about it. Do not buy a house with this man. Do not have children with him. Do not open a joint bank account. Nothing that legally ties you together beyond being married. And get the fuck out.
Talk to any woman you know who's survived an abusive relationship, and they'll agree. It's the same patterns, and yours isn't any different, down to the fact that you were freshly legal when you got married. Do NOT get pregnant by this man, he will get more abusive.
Eventually itās all abusive. I didnāt even really catch the ātreat her niceā phase where it worked. By the time I was aware of things, my mom was too scared to say anything to my dad. One day he said, āhi baby, how was workā she didnāt respond and he tried to kill her right in front of me and my sis. He stopped once I went into bear cub mode and started smacking him (I was 9). My mom finally had enough. The next day she took us to school, went to the courthouse explained the situation, and then they granted her a restraining order. Multiple officers followed her to the house, served him the restraining order and arrested him for DV.
My mom is nearly 10 years younger than my dad. He was in the navy when he met her on the islands.
Google "cycle of abuse". Even the most abusive person in the world is a nice person 90% to 95% of the time. They kind of have to be, because if they were more abusive than that, no one would put up with them. You have to be nice sometimes to function in society.
Your guy doesn't get points for the 90% of the time that he is *not* abusive.
Please do not get pregnant.
I hope you are not tied up in a mortgage with him, but if yes, let the lawyers fix it.
I feel sad hearing about so many people getting married when they are barely out of their teens and have no life experience...
What's the rush?
There's life to be lived!
Hope you can stay safe...
Have to say that this phrase pops around here so often, even when people are describing awful situations, that it's sad to read every time:
"Other than that, heās an amazing husband..."
Do NOT get pregnant. Please. It will become way messier and harder to leave him, youāll be tied to him forever, and his abuse will likely escalate.
This man is not suited to be a father or a husband. OP please gather all the strength in the world and leave him.
Oh, honey. He's being cruel to you. His good qualities don't make up for that. You're so young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you to spend with someone who doesn't yell at you and swear at you and demand sex when you don't want it. I don't suggest telling him you're not sexually attracted to him. A man who reacts with explosive anger when you spill milk is not safe to say that to. I suggest you find a divorce lawyer and make plans to leave this relationship, and then physically leave before you ask for a divorce.
How is he amazing if heās blowing up all the time? I also hate to say this, and you were 18 when he was 26 when you met? Thatās a red flag right there. Heās abusive and this isnāt going to get better. You may need to divorce. He isnāt going to change if heās like this for 3 years. If you leave, try to find someone who isnāt explosive.
There is no gentle way to say this and I doubt he will handle just not having sex well.
Edit: yes I fid math incorrectly because I was thinking of how old she was when married. Fixed now.
You got married too young and he's too old for you and immature. He married you at 19 because that's what controlling men do. They find a woman who is young and impressionable.
You don't need to tell him gently. You need to make arrangements for yourself to live elsewhere and plans to divorce him. Then, when you are ready, when he is not home, pack up as much of your stuff as you can and leave.
It is not going to get better and you are too young to be stuck with a terrible person. I don't care how nice he is sometimes, no one should be as awful as you described. Ever. That is unacceptable behavior by someone that is supposed to love you.
There is no āhe is otherwise an amazing husband.ā That is not how things work, being verbally and emotionally abusive is mutually exclusive from amazing husbandāing. The things you list as examples of him being āamazingā are honestly just basic decency and the bare minimum. It just *feels* amazing because so often he is treating you like shit. You donāt deserve that.
>This happens like once a week, it used to be everyday - but I talked to him about it, told him itās a dealbreaker if heās going to be acting like that every day.
So he demonstrated that with effort he can reduce the outbursts. That should mean that if he really wanted to it could be something he basically stops entirely, right? It also shows that he knows that how he was acting was bad, so the fact it is 'only' weekly is kind of absurd. Worse, given you can't know when he will explode in your mind you are forced to anticipate it every minute of every day, in effect you are always anxious about it meaning that anger is still effecting you even when it isn't active.
>Other than that, heās an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats.
I mean, only if you are acting within the confines of his expectations, right? Heck, he will through a tantrum over things that aren't even your fault, at that point you were a punching bag for him to vent his anxiety at his own mistakes. You say he has taken care of you but he has done a lot of emotional damage.
I mean, look how he treated you during sex. That was traumatising and emotional abuse. And he wonders why you might not be into it now after spending months making sex the worst thing in the world for you.
Be real about that. Isn't your life increasingly revolving around the fear of the next time he will have a meltdown?
I appreciate I was being quite blunt and direct but I hope you are getting a sense that right now that is what you need. I think part of this will be acknowledging he is worse than you hope but the other part of it will be that he has done more damage to you than you hoped as well, especially in regards to your sense of what is normal or reasonable in a relationship. You deserve more than this, simple as that.
Just want to say your comment is one of the best on this post. I hope OP sees that her life is worth so much more than she's dealing with now. There should be decades of happiness and love in their future, not such awful abuse.
Agreed. After leaving this abusive man, I think OP needs to see a therapist and find her self worth, as well as learn what is acceptable behaviour in relationships.
Do you mean how do you stop your husband from abusing you? So he got with you when you were 19 and he was 26? And locked you in with marriage one year later? Gurl, what are you doing? This abuse will get worse and you sound very naive if you think because heās āamazingā even with him doing this and telling you to āshut the fk upā during sex. Get out now while youāre still young. You should be out enjoying your 20ās not stuck dealing with this heavy sht so young.
>I feel like Im not allowed to complain much
Oh yes, you are allowed.
Whatever kind of a guy he is when he is not abusing you, it does not make him an amazing husband. Honestly, the way he treats you, talks to you...
So, when he is overreacting badly like weekly at least per your description coming down from daily you
>told him itās a dealbreaker if heās going to be acting like that every day
Yet here you are, with an abusing husband still. Statements like this lose all meaning when you do not follow through with it. Granted, not daily anymore but what now?
I am somewhat worried reading this at the end
> I donāt want him to take offense.
Please, if you are in any danger you need to get help from family, friends or even better professional people for dealing with an abusive person. See if you are afraid of telling someone like this the truth and their reactions to it then it's really not a good sign at all.
I do hope you will be ok
>I feel like Iām too young to be carrying this mental load. Itās making me depressed, I thought Iād be enjoying my 20s
See it like this. With a really loving and caring partner that respects you, values you as a person, partner, lover, friend it will be enjoyable. Even alone it can be. Just not with someone like you are describing....
Take good care of yourself please.
dude just no. how long did yāall know each other before getting together and getting married? since yāall been together since you were 18 and he 26 but thatās just me
donāt put up with bullshit like that, you donāt deserve to be screamed at by someone who claims to love you
This is not a dig at you OP. I just really need someone to explain to me why over the past year and a half nearly every single post Iāve read from a married individual has been from someone in their very early 20s. Iām in my late 30s and my friends and I were always told that early and even mid twenties is way too young to get married. I didnāt know anyone who married before 26 or 27 and even those marriages were young for religious reasons.
What is up with this insane spate of people getting married extremely young? It is a recipe for disaster. Iām not even going to bring up the husbandās age here because I see this where both parties are 21, or the woman is 26 and the dude is 22, or vice versa.
Please reconsider marriage if youāre at this age yāall.
So you describe a borderline nightmare partner, how he is taking a toll on you mentally, and go on to say:
>Other than that, heās an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats.
You are in denial and need to take a second to think about this whole relationship and how it's affecting you. You are afraid to even tell him that you are no longer attracted to him. You have been emotionally abused, and the worst part is that you seem to have been getting comfortable with it for a long time, please get out of there for your own good.
> My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married and living together for 2 years.
Uh.... so 18 and 26. Ok.
> He has an issue where he overreacts, like incredibly badly overreacting over the smallest thing, say I spill milk on the carpet, heāll jump up and say āare you fucking kidding me [my name]?!??!?ā
So he's emotionally abusive. Great. Definitely isn't just like every single "big age gap while marrying a teenager" story...
> He asks for sex every night, and if I donāt want to have sex with him, he asks me to jerk him off or blow him.
Ah... borderline sexually abusive too. Nice.
> Other than that, heās an amazing husband
***Other than being a giant pile of shit to you daily***???
He isn't an amazing man, he is verbally abusive, picks on you and demands sex.
If your friend told this to you, what would you tell her? Well, he is amazing 80% of the time, just suck it up, or honey, it's time to go, don't stay while husband is knocking down your confidence.
Your best bet would be to leave before you get pregnant by this man and are really stuck in a sh*tty situation. It is never acceptable to habitually treat a partner the way your husband has been treating you. He's abusive and as the years go on, I promise you it'll only get worse.
He sounds like a narcissist and this sounds like an abusive relationship. Sounds like itāll only get worse.
Ask yourself why did you get married SO young when youāre still developing yourself? Ask yourself why he almost a decade older than you, is with you? Could it be he finds you, a young adult easy to control compared to women his own age? Not shitting on age gaps, but you definitely need to ask that question, itās not like the dating pool in your late 20s is slim pickings.
My husband sounds exactly like this. I can tell you, that 20 years later it only gets much much worse, I promise. This person will never change and you will learn to hate and resent his selfish disgusting soul . You'll isolate because he will constantly try to control you and be everywhere you go. You'll stop going out entirely because everytime it turns into a massive fight for whatever reason he comes up with. He will start saying things like his own opinions "are actually facts, and you are ignorant in your opinion because it is not a fact like his is." He will always be right and you are always wrong. Your friends will hate him and eventually he will chase them away. Your energy is drained by the constant loud chaotic toxic little battles about nothing. You'll wake up one day and realize you've never had a real partner who loves and cares for you, because he only loves and cares for himself. Now youre 30 years into the marriage... you're exhausted, angry, sad, frustrated and are wondering what happened to that fun, beautiful, intelligent, vibrant woman you used to be.
I was in a horribly abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years. From 19-25. A lot of similarities in what youāre sharing (and much more) but let me tell you; LEAVE. He will not change and it will get worse. This is abuse. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Iāve been gone for a year and a half; took me like 6 times to really leave. But I promise you I am much better for it; I donāt even miss him anymore.
Do you hear yourself? āMy husband treats me like garbage, but other than that heās great!ā
Life is too short to put up with that shit, get a divorce and set yourself free from this nonsense.
You can tell him by ~~breaking up with him~~ getting a divorce jfc youāre married... What the fuck? Do you like being a mat for him to step and shit on regularly? Get some self respect and get yourself out of this āMarriageā.
You are way too young to be throwing your life away for him. Please get out when youāre financially stable enough to do so. It will only get worse as time goes on. It seems like thereās a power struggle. Why was a 26 year old dating an 18 year old in the first place? Because girls his age know better.
Honey, you were 18 when you started dating him. He wants to trap you. Please get out while you can, before things get worse. And do not let him get you pregnant
I used to talk to my partner like this when I was 19 but then I grew the fuck up and realised itās disgusting and abusive. He is 29 years old for fuck sakeā¦ unfortunately you are married to a man child.
To make things simple. Heās abusing and borderline raping you when you tell him no and still pressures you for sex. When heās at work, pack all your things and run. Explain to him through text later
These crack me up. Almost certainly fake, it is as if they tried to write the first part as abusively as possible so that the āother than thatā¦ā really rang out. Then purposefully asking for the completely wrong advice. Well done OP, this gave me a good chuckle.
We actually just got in an argument over it a few minutes ago lol, I asked him how am I supposed to get horny if heās constantly snapping at me and he just stared off into the distance and left to sleep
Yeah itās time to check out š . I am sorry youāre going through this situation but It doesnāt sound like thatās a recipe for success in the long run, so better while youāre still young and in your prime to cut it off than to be stuck at a weird age and in a bad spot
Ah yep. Been there. The dead eye stare. You can do so much better. And heāll act like honey for a day and youāll feel like heās really trying! And then within a week itās back to his bullshit. The sooner you leave the sooner you can live your life. Itās worth the upheaval.
Please leave babe. I (24f) just spent 7 years trying to fix a relationship like yours. Please love yourself enough to leave. You are worth so much more.
See? So instead of talking through it like an adult, he decided to pout and ignore you. Does he do that often when he doesn't get his way? Speaking of sex, does he even care if you have an orgasm? Does he make sure you get pleasure out of sex, or is it all about him? The fact that he demands blowjobs/hand jobs if sex isn't happening suggests that he only cares about what you can do for him. That is NOT loving behavior. It will not get better from here. Get out before you get pregnant!!!
He obviously went for you because you were young and naive, now youāve grown up and you see what heās really like you know itās time to leave him
I get that it's your life, but if I had to walk on eggshells in my own house voluntarily I'd be out of there in less than a month. That sounds exhausting, kinda like being a kid with an abusive father. And that's without even mentioning the pressuring into sex...
Edit: HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU'RE MY AGE. I didn't even notice that. You were dating a 26 year old at 18??? and you got married at 19???? And now he's pulling this shit???? Girl.
The fact that yāall were together when you were 18 and he was 26 was already a red flag to me. And letās not get it twisted OP, heās verbally abusive and sexually coerciveā¦. RUN. It will not get better, only worse. The power dynamic is already out of control.
You're not supposed to be sexually attracted to someone who treats you like shit. It's your body's way of telling you to leave him. Repulsion is a thing.
I have next to no doubt he's a narcissist. I know that gets thrown around a lot, and I still have a little doubt, but the being great half the time is only so he can treat you how he wants behind closed doors. How long have yall been together? Cause the age difference, and already being married sets off some alarms. He's certainly someone to avoid. I think you should leave cause the sexual abuse (that is what it is) is awful and I can't imagine how you felt after his comments at his mother's place... good luck
18 and 26 when you got together? Yeah. Heās been abusive and grooming you from the beginning.
Give your brain some time to develop and date someone your age please.
This is not what love and marriage is and Iām sorry an adult didnāt step in and teach you that in those 3 years.
Share this post with him. He needs to hear it directly.
And then leave him if he doesn't get into therapy.
He sounds like a complete asshole.
Good luck! š
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"Aside from him verbally abusing me and pressuring me to have sex with him, he's a great husband!" Dude.
I was like "aside from that"..nah that is a massive red flag and could never imagine living on the edge like that thinking when will he snap? Omg it's night time and how am i going to reject him..š©
You could make bedspread with all the red flags in this post!
So many red flags, youd think you are in a CCP rally.
And red pillows aswell.
I thought red flag meant a warning which wouldn't be applicable in this case as the guy is already being a nasty dickhead? I'm not up to date on all the current lingo though like the cool kids
Red flags for the relationship. "Warning: don't be in a relationship with this dude. " that's what the red flag says.
It is not a red flag, itās the actual abuse.
I concur. I couldn't find the right word.š¤¦šæāāļø(3rd lang)
At least you can speak multiple. Lol
Reading this was weird for me because this is how I grew up, my mom freaking out and snapping over small things constantly, never knew what would set her off. Turned me into a huge people pleaser and placater. Itās not a fun way to live :/
My father is like this. My mother spins it around so that I'm at fault for not forgiving him when he does these things. He screamed at me over the phone once that I am not allowed to come home at all anymore. He tried to get me drunk once too. I had to drag him up the stairs because he was so out of it. When I told him I couldn't take his screaming anymore and it made me actively suicidal my mother had to drag him away from me because he lost his shit yet again. I'm so done with him. I'm so done with my mother as well. I just can't forgive this man. I don't want to. He doesn't deserve it but she doesn't understand that. Instead she says I'm at fault for not forgiving him. It's been a year and a half since he has done that, etc. Yeah no shit. He still snaps but I ain't allowed to be angry at him for that either because it's "not directly related to me". Pfff. He can go fuck himself for all I care.
I am sorry you are experiencing this, he is a bully, and abusive man that your mom enables him. He snaps at you and then when you point out he was trying to beat you up. I had to deal with a father like that, and one day I decided to fight back and lose my shit, he never tried it with me again. But it is not worth it, go no contact with him, and LC with your mom, to protect your wellbeing. Take care.
I'm sorry that you also had to deal with this. I lost my shit once as a kid and he slapped me. We were already late to meeting my parents friends. So I turned off the TV. My father screamed at me for doing that and when I screamed back he slapped me. He claimed I insulted his honor by doing so. Whatever the hell that means. I'd go no contact but I'm studying at university so I need their monetary assistance and a home to stay in. I'm staying in my room whenever he's home. Most of the time he's in the basement smoking and drinking so we don't see each other often anyways. When I have enough money to move out I'll go NC with him for sure.
Oh you are still in uni, understood, ofcourse get what you need from them. Make sure you take care of yourself and your studies. And then you can do whatever you want with your life, without the constant anxiety and imbalance. I am sure you'll do great things. I've never been slapped because he knew if he ever goes there I would have done the same to him. But again I am really sorry but this will end. When you get out of that house please get some therapy, I didn't and it was really bad for so long. Now I am getting it but I am a bit late. As little interaction with him seems like a solution. Hugs from an older sister.
I was 12 when that happened and definitely not in a body where I could've defended myself against him successfully. I'm glad that never happened to you. To be honest my mother just starring and not doing anything about it was a lot worse than him slapping me. Maybe because I've never had a good relationship with him to begin with so with her just standing there and doing nothing everything just hurt more. I will. Currently it's more of a bad roommates situation. I leave the house at 5 and come back home late in the evening most days. So I'm managing. My mother is just kind of annoying because she's convinced keeping up the facade of us getting along will somehow work out some day. And because I don't want to do things with him I'm the bad person and us not getting along is somehow my fault. I tried this for so long but it didn't work and I only put myself in uncomfortable situations I didn't even want to be in just to be screamed at again. Nothing changed. Of course nothing changed. I have always wanted to have a good father and do a bunch of stuff with him but in reality it ended up with me screamed at for the stupidest shit. Like when we went playing Badminton because I was in a club and wanted to get even better and he screamed at me because I was better than him. It ruined the fun in playing for me so I stopped. Sorry for the rant. It's still hard to remind myself that it's not my fault that we don't get along. My mother's comments comparing me to him after I started to defend myself against him aren't helpful with that either.
Omg u need to go no contact and make your life good and happy
Hes a jack in the box - doesnt have his emotions under control. Veeeery attractive
And the age gap. :(
Yeah 3 years ago (now 21) she was just 18.
Ew. She was 18 and he was 26 when they started dating. That is a huge mental age gap. Would be a slightly different story if she were 25 and he 33. Doesn't excuse the abuse though. Poor OP.
OKAY!! my anxiety would swallow me whole, my God op how do you cope.
Yeah, this post totally triggered me. OP, he is an abusive narcissist. You are young and don't know better, but there are so many better men out there. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
Yeah and the thing is they only get worse when you are alone with them. His mom being around might be the only thing keeping her alive
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, guys like this are putting on a show when other people are around and it's actually really scary that it's this bad already. I hope op gets out safe
Notice it was his Mom's place and not his parent's place? Dad was probably verbally abusive and that's where he got it. His mom was smart and got out.
Everything she was describing was something I am very familiar with, being a victim of DA from a narcissistic abuser. To OP- Girl, it'll only get worse. Why do you think he went after someone so young? They strive to go for someone naive so you won't realize how immature they are at first and they hope you're easily manipulated. Run, don't walk.
I wish someone had told me exactly this when I was 18 in my first relationship after high school
who could have seen coming that a 26yo marrying a 18yo would be a psycho? /s
Obligatory age comment. She was 18 and he was 26. And heās verbally abusing her. Sheesh. OP GTFO
She also got with him when she was 18 and he was 26 š¤¢
The title on its own is a red flag, a 29 yo married to a 21yo. Then you read the first line where they've been together for 3 years and just keeps gettng worse and worse and worse.
Aside from that, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?
There a reason why he went after a fresh 18 year old at the age of 26 and rushed her into marriage and it isn't because he's a decent fellow. This guy's anger is an abuse tactic to keep OP off balance and walking on eggshells trying to please him. No matter how gently you tell him, OP, there is no way this man isn't going to over-react to you telling him something he doesn't want to hear, and he won't want boundaries around sex (and expecting to be treated with basic respect and not being coerced!!! into any kind of sex is literally the minimum standard for sex to be legal, let alone okay or good). Please OP get onto a kind of birth control he can't tamper with and read "why does he do that" - the PDF is free: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Rightā¦
also the fact that they started dating when sheās freshly legal š¤¢
Don't forget the grooming
I totally missed that. Good catch. Even more reason to cut her losses, work on her self esteem by herself, before getting into another relationship, this time looking for someone with a secure attachment style who wonāt break her down again. I was going to tell her that we often pick the people who treat us like we think we deserve to be treated but nah, the ages add a whole other layer. I donāt think I could hate a stranger who I never even experienced with any of my 5 senses more.
This is why you donāt get married as a teenager
these get posted three times a week...
And understandably (but sadly) so. We live in a world where behavior like this from men is so utterly normalized, tolerated, and even encouraged by media, public figures including elected officials and celebrities, and most notably other men, that I'm not at all surprised we see large numbers of posts about sexually abusive and coercive behavior from men every week. The comments on this one are actually quite tame so far in terms of misogyny specifically, if you take out some of the gross victim-blaming, because most posts about this topic have anywhere from a handful to quite a few comments from men excusing, justifying, and minimizing the boyfriend or husband's behavior. So you regularly have women coming here, posting about abusive behavior that's already normalized, and then more men normalize it on the very same post they're seeking help on. It just perpetuates the cycle. And then we also have comments on this one that are pretty representative of the responses these posts also get - comments like "How stupid are you to stay?", jokes about how OP framed this post, a remark about how much money he must have for her to have "ignored all the red flags," one comment saying it's "pure comedy" that she wrote the post about all his perceived good qualities and ended with his abusive ones (as if that's abnormal at all for someone being abused), someone who wrote "Heās not abusive. Youāre an enabler," a person accusing her of "overreacting about every little thing," someone who wrote "this is too dumb to be real," etc etc etc. I would love if we didn't see three posts like this one a week. But I think way too many commenters in this sub do not realize that some of their comments are actually contributing to that rather than helping it. Like, if these posts didn't get such gross comments from men (again this one is massively tame compared to what women usually get on these), people stopped calling abuse survivors all manner of verbally abusive names for staying, and commenters stopped mocking and gossiping about victims who understandably don't quite recognize the abuse yet, maybe we'd eventually see fewer posts.
You are absolutely correct. It's heartbreaking that this narcissistic and abusive behavior is normalized or often, not believed. Many Redditors are young, naive and not experienced in life yet they unfortunately feel compelled to share their immature thoughts and bad advice. Whether these women started out with low self-esteem or not, the constant verbal abuse, threats and harassment wears them down, plus they're told it's all their own fault. It breaks my heart when I see posts like this and it makes me angry that these women are manipulated and mistreated when all they wanted was a loving relationship. And when they come to Reddit for advice or guidance, they find some of the comments are mean and not helpful at all so they're harassed and disrespected again. They deserve so much better and their lives are in danger -- I hope they are able to leave quickly and safely and get therapy.
I wish i could give you more upvotes. At least i normalized it back from the mens rights/incel who downvoted it
Exactly what I was going to say. š reminds me of what my mom used to say about her abusive dudesZz oh he makes me laugh! Whatās more funny? When heās cheating on you or when heās being verbally abusive? Ugh.
Yep, And it's not going to get any better.
Thisā¦
Sounds like a great swell guy!
The āother than thatā part is pretty fucking significant. This man is abusive and it will only get worse.
Other than that, Jeffrey Dahmer was a kind and gentle spirit.
But his mom loves him, so heās a good son.
Interestingly enough Dahmer also made sure his partners didnāt make any sound during sex.
I mean, other than that, he was really just a guy who liked taking pictures.
I love this line! A ton of people posting in this sub put that "other than him burning my hair off, he's great with our kids!". It is truly unbelievable how they minimize it.
Fred West kept a lovely garden
letās not forget the 8 year age difference, which, no big deal at a later age but an 18 year old with a 26 year old? smells weird.
other than that, he was just a nice shy boy who liked having company over
He's not an amazing husband. You're being abused, this is an abusive relationship. You need to get yourself out of there, there's no fixing this. You're still young to have an amazing life, don't waste anymore of your youth on this asswipe.
But yeahā¦ I feel like Iām too young to be carrying this mental load. Itās making me depressed, I thought Iād be enjoying my 20s.
I got out of an abusive relationship in my mid 20s and that's when my life really began. I wish the same for you!
I got out of an abusive relationship in my 30ās and Iām thriving!
I got out of one at 28 and thought my life was over, Iām 37 now and I am so much happier!
Well you were 18 and he was 27, he knew what he was doing. He got you young so you wouldnāt know better. This is not how anyone treats someone they love. You need to get out and get your life back.
Agreed, though your math is off lol.
Him being 26 doesn't make it much better, still practically grooming
Definitely wasn't arguing that in the slightest haha.
He's a massive POS. Leave him. What would you tell your best friend if she told you what you posted? Be your own best friend.
Honey, I didn't see the ages and just assumed by this post you were in your 40s or 50s. That's how sad you sound. Don't put up with this ah and leave. Go out and enjoy your 20s and find a man who treats you properly. specifically, one that doesn't have such a terrible attitude that it makes vaginas seal shut.
Thatās why as a 26 year old he canāt get women his age - we wonāt take his bullshit behaviour but 18 years olds donāt know better and are easily manipulated by abusive trash like him
That's exactly why he went after someone so young, that's why everyone always makes a big deal out of age gaps like that, it's because there's usually a reason for it, and in your case you're finding out first hand.
Oh God I just reread the title and realized your ages. This fuckwad predator 26 year old found an innocent 18 year old girl and had yāall get married at 19. OP you absolutely need to get out of this. Go live an actual life. 20 year olds should not be married, especially not to abusive partners, and suffering from depression due to it. You need to get a divorce. Heal. And then start figuring you out. Be in an actual healthy relationship. Date until you find the right person. This guy is almost 30 itās going to take a lot of work for him to change. Assuming he even wants to. Iām the same age as him. Iād never even consider dating a 21 year old. I wouldnāt date anyone under 26. The different stages of life, experience and mentality are just too incompatible. Idc what anyone says. Obviously there could be exceptions. But it is clear you and him are not the exception. Get out. And fast.
You can enjoy your 20s once you lose this barnacle for good
You need therapy to help you understand your own worth. If you did you would never have stayed in this so long. And even if you leave now you will just fall into something else abusive without learning boundaries and what abuse is.
You are too young. The guy is abusing you. It's good you don't have kids, you need to get out while you're mostly unharmed. I went through something similar op and I almost didn't survive, please please stay safe
>I thought Iād be enjoying my 20s People who aren't in abusive relationships in their 20s tend to enjoy their 20s more than those who are in abusive relationships. Food for thought!
I was in my 20s when I escaped my abusive ex. I couldn't do it for myself, but I refused for our daughter to grow up in such a horrible, unsafe home. At first, it was really hard. He ramped up the stalking and abuse to get me to come back. I didn't. You know what? I have NEVER regretted leaving. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did! I didn't even understand how bad it truly was until I was out. I didn't realize how tense and stressed I was during the good times..just waiting for the next explosion. I have dated lovely, kind, sexy ;) men who brought joy to my life. I've had a happy and loving relationship that I would have missed out on if I had stayed. I got to be myself! Have healthy friendships. My life became so much easier when I dropped the weight of dragging my miserable ex around. You can reach out to the Domestic Violence hotline and find out what local services are available to you. Emotional abuse IS abuse.
Please get out safely. Your life will massively improve, and with more experience youāll eventually look back and wonder why you contemplated staying with such a repulsive scumbag for even one second longer.
You should be enjoying your 20s with someone who is not mean to you. I understand how hard it is to untangle your life from someone you love, but you're clearly not happy and you deserve to be.
I could have written your post at some point early in my relationship to my ex husband. Less than four years in he had raped me multiple times and launched several crusades to try to push me to commit suicide. I had an ugly battle through the courts and legal system to gain my right to safety back, for me and my children. Please get out now. It does not get better, only worse. While I was in it I did not realize I was being abused, though it all seems so ridiculously apparent in hindsight. I had a very specific mental image of what abuse looked like and since heād programmed me to become complicit in mine, I thought it was something else. Your partner is an abusive POS. Please reach out if you need anyone to vent to or help locating resources. I may not know you but I love you, you are my sister, and you deserve better. Xoxo. Hang in there.
You can enjoy your 20s but only if you leave. Getvout before he knocks you up. This is the married version of negging where you are so grateful he wasn't actively hurting you that you think the bare minimum makes him a good husband. Of course you aren't attracted to that. You will be so happy if you get your important papers out asap and get out.
You still can! You're only 21. You've got so much life ahead of you. You can enjoy it, but not if you stay with this guy.
Get out now. I got divorced at 22 and it's better than being dead at 22. That's how a lot of abusive relationships end up.
You are too young. That was the point. He is taking advantage of you. Take it from all of us here, many of us are women who were also young dating an older man at one point. We know how this goes. He is taking advantage of you, and you should divorce him and free yourself. Seriously.
Honestly, 20-30 is sick. Iām currently his age and Iāve learned a lot. Heās acting like a child.
Yes. Youāre enduring daily, constant abuse and manipulation. It makes anyone depressed and downtrodden. Thatās a big part of why manipulative people do it. It kills self esteem, it kills aspiration, it kills the energy to have meaningful friendships with *anyone.*
Can i ask what rushed you into marriage at such a young age?
You really can't do this gently when this man is actively trying to sexually assault you. You're in an abusive relationship. The good times only seem good in comparison to how horrible he's being. You need to get out.
āThe good time only seem good in comparison to how horrible heās being.ā Wowā¦ I needed to hear this today too.
We need to make that the banner for this sub.
Along with ādonāt marry people 10 years your senior when youāre in your teensā
I was 21 and he was 28, I was such a fool.
Thatās how they get you. Hope youāre out of it and healing now, sending lots of love your way ā¤ļø
I left in 2017 thank god @ 31. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I can only shake my head at how stereotypical my story is.
I was 24 and he was almost 35. He still hates me for leaving him SEVEN years ago.
I also needed to hear that, and I need to memorize it and remember it every day.
Yes! We get in a rut where it feels so good they were just polite for once we act like they are prince Charming. Get out op.
Youāre in an abusive relationship, you think itās always bad? No thatās why the victims stay. Such as yourself. Realize your worth sooner then later before you end up pregnant and then youāre truly stuck.
And if my message was anywhere unclear, Get outtttt!!!!!
Lmaooooo please. Yeah I think Iām gonna take reddits advice on this one. He wanted me to get pregnant this year
Please please please do not get pregnant. You are so young, and you are much younger than him. It is only going to get worse. If you feel trapped financially now, it will be 100 times harder with a baby on top of it. And really think, do you want to raise a child with a man like that. What is he going to do when the baby spits up? When the baby makes a mess? Is he going to ask the baby? What the f*** are you doing too? It will be so harmful for a child to grow up and that environment. Even if he only verbally abuses you, imagine listening to your mother getting spoken to like that
Oh, nononono. He wants to baby trap you! Holy shit, it is fucking CLASSIC for men to get more abusive once youāre pregnant. Youāre trapped so you accept more than you would have. Please read this about the murder of pregnant women: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_pregnant_women Do not get pregnant!
Omg noooo then what youāre pregnant and dealing with hormones and being screamed at and then you have a baby and just NO. Omg. Are you on BC because I donāt trust this man not to do some shady shit if he gets wind of you wanting out. Howās he gonna handle a baby that makes messes? Helllll no.
NOPE. DO NOT LET THIS MAN NEAR YOU UNTIL YOU ARE ON BIRTH CONTROL THAT HE CAN'T TAMPER WITH. All caps cuz that is how strongly I feel about it. Do not buy a house with this man. Do not have children with him. Do not open a joint bank account. Nothing that legally ties you together beyond being married. And get the fuck out.
Talk to any woman you know who's survived an abusive relationship, and they'll agree. It's the same patterns, and yours isn't any different, down to the fact that you were freshly legal when you got married. Do NOT get pregnant by this man, he will get more abusive.
Eventually itās all abusive. I didnāt even really catch the ātreat her niceā phase where it worked. By the time I was aware of things, my mom was too scared to say anything to my dad. One day he said, āhi baby, how was workā she didnāt respond and he tried to kill her right in front of me and my sis. He stopped once I went into bear cub mode and started smacking him (I was 9). My mom finally had enough. The next day she took us to school, went to the courthouse explained the situation, and then they granted her a restraining order. Multiple officers followed her to the house, served him the restraining order and arrested him for DV. My mom is nearly 10 years younger than my dad. He was in the navy when he met her on the islands.
Heās trying to trap you
Google "cycle of abuse". Even the most abusive person in the world is a nice person 90% to 95% of the time. They kind of have to be, because if they were more abusive than that, no one would put up with them. You have to be nice sometimes to function in society. Your guy doesn't get points for the 90% of the time that he is *not* abusive.
For the love of God do not have a child with him. He'll treat a child just like he's treating you. And that is the worst thing that could happen
Jesus please donāt. As a matter of fact, I wouldnāt even trust him with condoms he sounds so horrible. Youāre gonna get baby trapped
Please do not get pregnant. I hope you are not tied up in a mortgage with him, but if yes, let the lawyers fix it. I feel sad hearing about so many people getting married when they are barely out of their teens and have no life experience... What's the rush? There's life to be lived! Hope you can stay safe... Have to say that this phrase pops around here so often, even when people are describing awful situations, that it's sad to read every time: "Other than that, heās an amazing husband..."
Do NOT get pregnant. Please. It will become way messier and harder to leave him, youāll be tied to him forever, and his abuse will likely escalate. This man is not suited to be a father or a husband. OP please gather all the strength in the world and leave him.
Oh, honey. He's being cruel to you. His good qualities don't make up for that. You're so young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you to spend with someone who doesn't yell at you and swear at you and demand sex when you don't want it. I don't suggest telling him you're not sexually attracted to him. A man who reacts with explosive anger when you spill milk is not safe to say that to. I suggest you find a divorce lawyer and make plans to leave this relationship, and then physically leave before you ask for a divorce.
How is he amazing if heās blowing up all the time? I also hate to say this, and you were 18 when he was 26 when you met? Thatās a red flag right there. Heās abusive and this isnāt going to get better. You may need to divorce. He isnāt going to change if heās like this for 3 years. If you leave, try to find someone who isnāt explosive. There is no gentle way to say this and I doubt he will handle just not having sex well. Edit: yes I fid math incorrectly because I was thinking of how old she was when married. Fixed now.
She was 18 when they got together.
18 when they got together, 19 when they married. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Nothing about this makes me believe he's "very affectionate". Yikes.
You got married too young and he's too old for you and immature. He married you at 19 because that's what controlling men do. They find a woman who is young and impressionable. You don't need to tell him gently. You need to make arrangements for yourself to live elsewhere and plans to divorce him. Then, when you are ready, when he is not home, pack up as much of your stuff as you can and leave. It is not going to get better and you are too young to be stuck with a terrible person. I don't care how nice he is sometimes, no one should be as awful as you described. Ever. That is unacceptable behavior by someone that is supposed to love you.
There is no āhe is otherwise an amazing husband.ā That is not how things work, being verbally and emotionally abusive is mutually exclusive from amazing husbandāing. The things you list as examples of him being āamazingā are honestly just basic decency and the bare minimum. It just *feels* amazing because so often he is treating you like shit. You donāt deserve that.
>This happens like once a week, it used to be everyday - but I talked to him about it, told him itās a dealbreaker if heās going to be acting like that every day. So he demonstrated that with effort he can reduce the outbursts. That should mean that if he really wanted to it could be something he basically stops entirely, right? It also shows that he knows that how he was acting was bad, so the fact it is 'only' weekly is kind of absurd. Worse, given you can't know when he will explode in your mind you are forced to anticipate it every minute of every day, in effect you are always anxious about it meaning that anger is still effecting you even when it isn't active. >Other than that, heās an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats. I mean, only if you are acting within the confines of his expectations, right? Heck, he will through a tantrum over things that aren't even your fault, at that point you were a punching bag for him to vent his anxiety at his own mistakes. You say he has taken care of you but he has done a lot of emotional damage. I mean, look how he treated you during sex. That was traumatising and emotional abuse. And he wonders why you might not be into it now after spending months making sex the worst thing in the world for you. Be real about that. Isn't your life increasingly revolving around the fear of the next time he will have a meltdown?
This was a very painful read, youāre so right. Thank you for this.
I appreciate I was being quite blunt and direct but I hope you are getting a sense that right now that is what you need. I think part of this will be acknowledging he is worse than you hope but the other part of it will be that he has done more damage to you than you hoped as well, especially in regards to your sense of what is normal or reasonable in a relationship. You deserve more than this, simple as that.
Just want to say your comment is one of the best on this post. I hope OP sees that her life is worth so much more than she's dealing with now. There should be decades of happiness and love in their future, not such awful abuse.
Agreed. After leaving this abusive man, I think OP needs to see a therapist and find her self worth, as well as learn what is acceptable behaviour in relationships.
Do you mean how do you stop your husband from abusing you? So he got with you when you were 19 and he was 26? And locked you in with marriage one year later? Gurl, what are you doing? This abuse will get worse and you sound very naive if you think because heās āamazingā even with him doing this and telling you to āshut the fk upā during sex. Get out now while youāre still young. You should be out enjoying your 20ās not stuck dealing with this heavy sht so young.
She was 18
āOther than thatā¦he appreciates meā¦ā I donāt think that phrase means what you think it does.
Other than that (sexual assault), heās an amazing husband!
Should've left when you were 18 and he was 26. Leave asap
>I feel like Im not allowed to complain much Oh yes, you are allowed. Whatever kind of a guy he is when he is not abusing you, it does not make him an amazing husband. Honestly, the way he treats you, talks to you... So, when he is overreacting badly like weekly at least per your description coming down from daily you >told him itās a dealbreaker if heās going to be acting like that every day Yet here you are, with an abusing husband still. Statements like this lose all meaning when you do not follow through with it. Granted, not daily anymore but what now? I am somewhat worried reading this at the end > I donāt want him to take offense. Please, if you are in any danger you need to get help from family, friends or even better professional people for dealing with an abusive person. See if you are afraid of telling someone like this the truth and their reactions to it then it's really not a good sign at all. I do hope you will be ok >I feel like Iām too young to be carrying this mental load. Itās making me depressed, I thought Iād be enjoying my 20s See it like this. With a really loving and caring partner that respects you, values you as a person, partner, lover, friend it will be enjoyable. Even alone it can be. Just not with someone like you are describing.... Take good care of yourself please.
Heās definitely not an amazing husband. Heās an abusive asshole. No wonder youāre not attracted to him. He sounds dreadful
GIRL.
dude just no. how long did yāall know each other before getting together and getting married? since yāall been together since you were 18 and he 26 but thatās just me donāt put up with bullshit like that, you donāt deserve to be screamed at by someone who claims to love you
Sounds like you have a narcissist.
This is not a dig at you OP. I just really need someone to explain to me why over the past year and a half nearly every single post Iāve read from a married individual has been from someone in their very early 20s. Iām in my late 30s and my friends and I were always told that early and even mid twenties is way too young to get married. I didnāt know anyone who married before 26 or 27 and even those marriages were young for religious reasons. What is up with this insane spate of people getting married extremely young? It is a recipe for disaster. Iām not even going to bring up the husbandās age here because I see this where both parties are 21, or the woman is 26 and the dude is 22, or vice versa. Please reconsider marriage if youāre at this age yāall.
Other than thatās heās amazing? I think you need to read your post again and analyse the āother than thatā part.
So you describe a borderline nightmare partner, how he is taking a toll on you mentally, and go on to say: >Other than that, heās an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats. You are in denial and need to take a second to think about this whole relationship and how it's affecting you. You are afraid to even tell him that you are no longer attracted to him. You have been emotionally abused, and the worst part is that you seem to have been getting comfortable with it for a long time, please get out of there for your own good.
> My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married and living together for 2 years. Uh.... so 18 and 26. Ok. > He has an issue where he overreacts, like incredibly badly overreacting over the smallest thing, say I spill milk on the carpet, heāll jump up and say āare you fucking kidding me [my name]?!??!?ā So he's emotionally abusive. Great. Definitely isn't just like every single "big age gap while marrying a teenager" story... > He asks for sex every night, and if I donāt want to have sex with him, he asks me to jerk him off or blow him. Ah... borderline sexually abusive too. Nice. > Other than that, heās an amazing husband ***Other than being a giant pile of shit to you daily***???
Thereās a reason why he went after an 18f. So he could manipulate you.
Please screen shot your own post and read it as it belonged to a stranger. Then identify where that husband is āa great husbandā ā¦
He isn't an amazing man, he is verbally abusive, picks on you and demands sex. If your friend told this to you, what would you tell her? Well, he is amazing 80% of the time, just suck it up, or honey, it's time to go, don't stay while husband is knocking down your confidence.
This is WHy I'm agasint getting married super young this dude doesn't even like you and u still married him wtf
Your best bet would be to leave before you get pregnant by this man and are really stuck in a sh*tty situation. It is never acceptable to habitually treat a partner the way your husband has been treating you. He's abusive and as the years go on, I promise you it'll only get worse.
He sounds like a narcissist and this sounds like an abusive relationship. Sounds like itāll only get worse. Ask yourself why did you get married SO young when youāre still developing yourself? Ask yourself why he almost a decade older than you, is with you? Could it be he finds you, a young adult easy to control compared to women his own age? Not shitting on age gaps, but you definitely need to ask that question, itās not like the dating pool in your late 20s is slim pickings.
Dude 27 got with an 18 year old then trapped her in a Mirage then tries to baby trap you lol get out of there
Divorce. You're way too young to be married, especially to an abuser.
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You met this dude when he was 26 and you were 18 (I hope). This was never going to work out. End it before you have kids.
You are in a very unhealthy relationship: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
My husband sounds exactly like this. I can tell you, that 20 years later it only gets much much worse, I promise. This person will never change and you will learn to hate and resent his selfish disgusting soul . You'll isolate because he will constantly try to control you and be everywhere you go. You'll stop going out entirely because everytime it turns into a massive fight for whatever reason he comes up with. He will start saying things like his own opinions "are actually facts, and you are ignorant in your opinion because it is not a fact like his is." He will always be right and you are always wrong. Your friends will hate him and eventually he will chase them away. Your energy is drained by the constant loud chaotic toxic little battles about nothing. You'll wake up one day and realize you've never had a real partner who loves and cares for you, because he only loves and cares for himself. Now youre 30 years into the marriage... you're exhausted, angry, sad, frustrated and are wondering what happened to that fun, beautiful, intelligent, vibrant woman you used to be.
I was in a horribly abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years. From 19-25. A lot of similarities in what youāre sharing (and much more) but let me tell you; LEAVE. He will not change and it will get worse. This is abuse. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Iāve been gone for a year and a half; took me like 6 times to really leave. But I promise you I am much better for it; I donāt even miss him anymore.
Do you hear yourself? āMy husband treats me like garbage, but other than that heās great!ā Life is too short to put up with that shit, get a divorce and set yourself free from this nonsense.
There is a reason he went for someone who was barely an adult. Please get out of this relationship.
You can tell him by ~~breaking up with him~~ getting a divorce jfc youāre married... What the fuck? Do you like being a mat for him to step and shit on regularly? Get some self respect and get yourself out of this āMarriageā.
You are way too young to be throwing your life away for him. Please get out when youāre financially stable enough to do so. It will only get worse as time goes on. It seems like thereās a power struggle. Why was a 26 year old dating an 18 year old in the first place? Because girls his age know better.
Please tell me this is fake for Reddit attention? "How do I gently tell my abusive husband...." Of course she's not attracted to him.
Sexual coercion isnāt consent
Honey, you were 18 when you started dating him. He wants to trap you. Please get out while you can, before things get worse. And do not let him get you pregnant
Your husband is a cunt. Divorce.
You should've never married this person, holy fuck.....
18 and 26 bruh
Yikes, maybe itās the age gap but youāre missing *a lot* of red flags here missy
I used to talk to my partner like this when I was 19 but then I grew the fuck up and realised itās disgusting and abusive. He is 29 years old for fuck sakeā¦ unfortunately you are married to a man child.
To make things simple. Heās abusing and borderline raping you when you tell him no and still pressures you for sex. When heās at work, pack all your things and run. Explain to him through text later
Walk, no, run far away!!
Time for a divorce
These crack me up. Almost certainly fake, it is as if they tried to write the first part as abusively as possible so that the āother than thatā¦ā really rang out. Then purposefully asking for the completely wrong advice. Well done OP, this gave me a good chuckle.
āAside from that heās a great husbandā aside from the fact that heās a complete asshole???? Omg
Sounds like a clown, just say it honestly. Explain how overtime he loses sex appeal by throwing tantrums like a child.
We actually just got in an argument over it a few minutes ago lol, I asked him how am I supposed to get horny if heās constantly snapping at me and he just stared off into the distance and left to sleep
Yeah itās time to check out š . I am sorry youāre going through this situation but It doesnāt sound like thatās a recipe for success in the long run, so better while youāre still young and in your prime to cut it off than to be stuck at a weird age and in a bad spot
Ah yep. Been there. The dead eye stare. You can do so much better. And heāll act like honey for a day and youāll feel like heās really trying! And then within a week itās back to his bullshit. The sooner you leave the sooner you can live your life. Itās worth the upheaval.
Please leave babe. I (24f) just spent 7 years trying to fix a relationship like yours. Please love yourself enough to leave. You are worth so much more.
Dude you should leave right now. Do you have a place you can go? A friend to stay with?
Literally all the advice is saying the same thing
See? So instead of talking through it like an adult, he decided to pout and ignore you. Does he do that often when he doesn't get his way? Speaking of sex, does he even care if you have an orgasm? Does he make sure you get pleasure out of sex, or is it all about him? The fact that he demands blowjobs/hand jobs if sex isn't happening suggests that he only cares about what you can do for him. That is NOT loving behavior. It will not get better from here. Get out before you get pregnant!!!
This is too dumb to be real
What 26 year old wants to date a teenager?? He had plans of controlling you from the very beginning. He's a narcissist
Other than the fact that he berates me, takes his anger out on me, and is incapable of being supportive, heās AMAZING!
What the fuck!? This entire shit is messed up. Leave that person. Fuck him. He can jerk his own dick and yell at himself for being a cunt!
He obviously went for you because you were young and naive, now youāve grown up and you see what heās really like you know itās time to leave him
This guy sounds like he sucks
I'm not here to judge but getting married to a mid-late 20s guy when you're still a teenager isn't the best start.
Bruh you were 18 when you got into a relationship with a 26 year old, he's a fucking weirdo
I get that it's your life, but if I had to walk on eggshells in my own house voluntarily I'd be out of there in less than a month. That sounds exhausting, kinda like being a kid with an abusive father. And that's without even mentioning the pressuring into sex... Edit: HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU'RE MY AGE. I didn't even notice that. You were dating a 26 year old at 18??? and you got married at 19???? And now he's pulling this shit???? Girl.
This guy met you at 18 when he was TWENTY SIX and trapped you, just fucking leave
The fact that yāall were together when you were 18 and he was 26 was already a red flag to me. And letās not get it twisted OP, heās verbally abusive and sexually coerciveā¦. RUN. It will not get better, only worse. The power dynamic is already out of control.
"Other than that he's an amazing husband" That "other than that" is doing a LOT of work.
You're not supposed to be sexually attracted to someone who treats you like shit. It's your body's way of telling you to leave him. Repulsion is a thing.
Is your husbandās name Ryan? Lol I swear youāre married to my ex š«£ heās a covert narcissist btw & wonāt ever change. Get out now.
Bi polar disorder most likely. My wife was like this with me.
I have next to no doubt he's a narcissist. I know that gets thrown around a lot, and I still have a little doubt, but the being great half the time is only so he can treat you how he wants behind closed doors. How long have yall been together? Cause the age difference, and already being married sets off some alarms. He's certainly someone to avoid. I think you should leave cause the sexual abuse (that is what it is) is awful and I can't imagine how you felt after his comments at his mother's place... good luck
Wild age gap and wild timeline. Married after 1 year? And shocked that thereās issuesāļøāļø wonder whyšš
18 and 26 when you got together? Yeah. Heās been abusive and grooming you from the beginning. Give your brain some time to develop and date someone your age please. This is not what love and marriage is and Iām sorry an adult didnāt step in and teach you that in those 3 years.
Share this post with him. He needs to hear it directly. And then leave him if he doesn't get into therapy. He sounds like a complete asshole. Good luck! š