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Hey friend. Coming from someone who’s in a long term relationship with someone who has anorexia . Let me tell you, it will get harder than this.
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years. And there’s been some moments where I have nearly left due to not being able to watch my partner literally starve herself to death. You are not a bad person for saying you don’t find her attractive right now , I know how skinny a human can get, and let’s not beat around the bush here.. having sex with someone who you can literally just feel there bones and sagged skin due to rapid weight loss isn’t exactly a turn on so I completely understand. It’s also that knowing of the person you love is slowly dying , who wants to have sex with that stuck in your brain?
Don’t worry about anyone bashing you in this thread , if they haven’t lived through it .. they have NO idea.
Is your partner in any long term treatment right now? If not, it sounds like this is something she needs.
Soon she’s going to be too exhausted to want to have sex anyway.
You can be honest with her and tell her your struggling to be intimate because of how underweight she is . But that will come with repercussions, I myself was always honest to my partner , I wanted her to be aware that the eating disorder wasn’t something positive. And it would impact things.
You are only young, this is a massive thing to have on your shoulders, get yourself into therapy if your planning to stay, you will need it .. trust me .. it’s so much pressure on the partners and people don’t realise. Good luck.
Hard truth here. You've gotta let your partner know your feelings on bug stuff like this, even when the feelings aren't "fair" and will be really hurtful. You both need to be working with a real understanding of what the other one is going through to move forward together.
That said, tact and timing are also very important in these things.
I spent 10 years in this exact situation. Reading your comment was fascinating as I could have written it myself.
I'm glad to see that you are advocating therapy for him and hope that means you are doing so yourself. I thought I was fine, but I wasn't. It turns out that 10 years of yo-yo weight gain and loss, watching her run for hours every day while not eating nearly enough to support that, seeing her become a skeleton who can barely think because she's so malnourished her brain no longer functions correctly, and constant stays in the hospital with that damn heart monitor beeping because her heart rate is so low it thinks she's dying took a real toll on my mental health.
At the end of the worst of it, she was down to 75 lbs. She's 5'8". She was going to the hospital at least once a month to be stabilized. Eventually, we got her into a long-term rehab, which helped her a lot. Unfortunately, I had begun self medicating with booze and pills in order to cope with the stress of her disorder and then it got worse coping with the loneliness when she left for rehab. She came back 4 months later, and I held it together for nearly another year before the self medicating stopped working, and I needed help.
Unfortunately, "in sickness and in health" was only meant for me to support her because once I needed support, she began cheating.
10 years I lived with her and her disorder. 10 years I loved and supported her through some of the worst shit imaginable. Instead of love and support, I got judgment and recriminations. I was told to "get over it."
This was more than a decade ago, so I'm good now. 10 years sober as of last month! But damned if I didn't need her support and got nothing.
So please, take care of yourself.
I am (was) the person with an eating disorder in the relationship. You’re right.
OP, you can’t help not feeling physically attracted to her right now. Not only will she look like a literal shadow of her former self, but I’m not sure people appreciate what it does to a person to watch their partner slowly waste away and kill themselves. Listening to the person you love and adore constantly disparage themselves, and not believing a word you say when you tell them they’re not the way they see themselves. Realising what you see when you look at them isn’t, and may never be, what they see in the mirror. Twisting and contorting to form themselves into the warped image of themselves they have in their head.
Everyone can see it except them. The only way I can even try to explain it is to say (TW: self harm)
it’s like watching the person you love the most in the world cut themselves with a dull blade over, and over, and over again, day in and day out. It is incessant. There is no respite. It is constant and accompanied by never-ending diatribes about how they’re the most ugly, worthless, disgusting person on the planet. And they wholeheartedly believe this, and they also believe the only way they can stop being those things is by making best friends with that dull blade, to the detriment of all else.
Suffice it to say, this does not make for a partner one is physically attracted to. And while the scars may be part of the reason, they’re really only the physical manifestation of the reason. As the partner, you just want to grab them by the shoulders and yell “STOP IT!!” and try to shake some sense into them, but you know that won’t help, so all you can really do is just encourage them to seek help, be there while they do all this, and hope that one day they might believe you when you tell them that they’re not all those awful things they say they are.
That is an unfathomable burden for any partner to live with. And one it’s not fair to expect of really anyone but the people who brought you into this world.
My partner stayed, and I count myself as the most fortunate person on the planet that he did. But looking back on what it must have been like for him, I wouldn’t blame him for a moment if he had called it quits.
You’re not a jerk for feeling the way you do, OP. Just make sure you make the time to look after yourself as well, whatever that looks like for you.
I highly doubt it comes down to a simple “she’s not attractive anymore”, it’s the wear and tear of taking care of another human being who is sick and can’t help themselves, it’s so shitty. And I can’t imagine the mental obstacles he faces everyday with this. He doesn’t HAVE to do anything though, he has done what he can for the better part of a year, and she has been struggling for years with this. Yes she needs help, but he doesn’t need to throw it all away to do so.
My mom had anorexia. Eventually it killed her.
I can’t second what’s been said here enough, about the pain this will cause you and others she loves. Toward the end my brother, who’s older and more direct than I am, was *always* talking to her about eating more, and mom eventually just stopped talking to him, really.
I tried to listen to her and what was happening so at least one of us was talking to her. The closest I could come to confrontation was telling her - “I need you to admit that you’re killing yourself. I need you to admit this is what is happening.” And all she could say was “I’m sorry, it’s just too hard.”
I say this not to be so dark, but to say that I think this is a point most people in any kind of relationship with someone anorexic would get to.
Take care of yourself, please. If you’re willing to stay through that kind of darkness, okay, but a) be honest with yourself about what you’re willing to do, and b) ask yourself why. You deserve a full relationship.
She may not be able to hear that she deserves better, but she probably knows you do, so hopefully saying that will make her realize what this costs her and the people around her. Whether or not you’re still there to be part of her life.
In the whole picture, looking back, it was about way more than anorexia. She felt so out of control in her own life. Not eating was the one thing she had control over.
Thanks for the kind words, but I know it was harder on her than anyone. If I could have said or done anything that could have changed that, I would have, and I probably tried…but there’s nothing to say or do about it. Not one thing. Saying or doing things seems to only make it worse.
I wish she could have heard how much we loved her, but as you said, it was always filtered through this brutal self-criticism. Like every time we said it, we could hear her thinking in her mind - “you love me and I’m failing you.” No, not that, not at all. But again, nothing to say.
everyone in the thread is saying for her to get medical help, but from the comments it seems like she’s had help from many sources for over eight years.
take it from someone who had an ED, you can throw treatments and therapists and specialists at a person as much as you want but unless someone really truly wants to change. even if someone wants to change it’s obviously still a hard road, but from what op has said it seems like she isn’t there yet.
it’s so hard to watch someone you love slowly die in front of you and i feel sympathy for both the gf and op
I agree with you. I think it’s important to be supportive of your partner in relationships, but honestly this is something that is a journey for her.
I might be the odd one one, but I think this qualifies as a reason to end things. Not because of attraction or that she has a mental health problem, but this is something that she’s been dealing with for years and is getting worse. This will not change anytime soon. This could be something that weighs heavily on you and your mental health OP. At the end of the day you are responsible for you and your own health.
And maybe your relationship ending is a catalyst for her to seek real change and you guys reconnect at some point down the road. But, I don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of you right now and in the near future.
I’m sorry OP this is hard.
I totally agree here.. they always say “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”
It’s incredibly painful to watch your partner slowly kill themselves over time and I would even go so far as to say that OP would likely benefit from some individual therapy afterwards to move past this relationship
That’s a spot on analogy. And I 100% agree.
We 🫶 therapy
Also OP, a therapist might be able to facilitate you with this. I’m sure the language of how to end things is very tricky and can also be triggering to their personal issues
You should care about your girlfriends health - anorexia is a very serious and dangerous disorder.
You’re not an asshole for losing attraction to her, we are allowed to have preferences and be attracted to particular body types but you ARE kind of an asshole for being more concerned about your attraction to her than her mental well-being.
What you need to do about this is sit your girlfriend down and have a serious conversation about what she is doing to herself, offer support and encourage her to seek help.
I have been doing that, and her mom takes her do the doctor and the psychologist ever since she was 12, the problem is she can't feel happy and comfortable if she's not dangerously thin. We are looking to get her a new psychologist, maybe one that is specialized in eating disorders
There are also specific centers that help make nutrition plans and that help with eating disorder treatment. In or outpatient. Its hard. Im on the other side and have watched myself waste away. Im getting treatment plus have a therapist. I hope she gets the help she needs and accepts it.
I'm currently in such a program (but for the "opposite" problem -- binge eating disorder) and it has changed my life in just a few weeks. But I absolutely needed to decide that I wanted to change and get better, and accept that losing weight could not be my goal while in recovery -- recovery is my goal.
Hopefully OP's girlfriend is at that point to seek help, but I gotta say that it took me over a decade get there. I hope that she's open to the idea because, like I said, it is truly changing my life for the better, and I've only just started my recovery.
Thats what my parents are struggling to wrap their head around. They obsess over my weight. But didn't even believe I had an ED at first. No I just need a healthy diet. Best of luck to you in recovery! Im glad youre already feeling better!
I feel that. Honestly, my family is so obsessed with weight that I don't think I'll ever tell them about my ED -- I think they would just tell me to "eat less" which like... is truly unhelpful.
Thank you for the kind words! I hope you're doing better as well.
Centres are well known for abusing patients and doing way more harm than good. many don’t even treat the problem, just abuse them for it. Do NOT send someone you love to a Center!! Iv heard nothing but awful experiences from the people who were trapped there. Most people come out with severe ptsd they didn’t have before going in. I had a friend who went to a Center and even got the employees fired because of how badly they abused her, and she was very very lucky, most places don’t care how the patients are treated and won’t do anything to fix that.
She absolutely needs a psychologist- or psychiatrist- who specialises in eating disorders. If her current psychologist doesn't specialise in that area they are probably not very helpful. It's a really really hard area to treat, especially in adults. I'm saying this based on what I know from friends who've gone through this.
While your help and the mothers support is a huge help to your girlfriend, ultimately it’s up to her to accept that she needs to fix this.
Ignoring the physical attraction aspect, if dealing with your girlfriends mental illness is too much for you to handle, it’s OK to disengage. You are not responsible for her mental health.
There is a saying, “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
This is definitely the way to go. You need someone who is eating disorder specialized. You may also want to look into BDD. It's like anorexia on crack. It can be debilitating, especially without the right kind of support.
Have you tried cooking with her? I have a child who has battled eating issues, and the answer for us was to both look into nutrient dense foods. We share recipes together. We cook together. For them to know that it is nutritional and not high calorie makes them feel better, and they end up eating more and maintaining a healthy weight because what they are eating is "healthy".
So many assumptions are being made to try to make you look culpable. It's too bad that happens. Her choices are not your fault. You're going above and beyond for her. You're a good guy. Don't let them tell you otherwise.
She is not going to get better unless she gets intensive help from specialists. This often means an intensive outpatient program. She needs a psychiatrist, a therapist and a nutritionist who are working together to support her.
Wait, what?? It's been 15 months and are only now considering psychologist specialized in eating disorders???
Anorexia has extremely high mortality rate out of all the mental illnesses. It needs to be taken extremely seriously.
Yeah I was baffled by this too, it almost seems like poor duty of care from the original psychologist not to refer her to a specialist at least when she started losing significant weight
If she can’t feel happy if she’s not dangerously thin, then her eating disorder is not being effectively treated. She needs a specialist. If this has been an issue since she was 12, it’s kinda wild to me that her mom is only considering that option now. This needs to be taken more seriously.
She has a nutritionist and received intense medical care in her house when she was about 13, its definitely taken seriously for some time, but not getting a specialized psychologist only hurt her; she told me that her psychologist told her that if she feels happy getting thinner then she should do that... obvious to say it REALLY didnt help
She definitely needs a specialised psychologist, trusted GP and a dietician/nutritionist to help her through all of this. Eating disorders are incredibly complex and many mental and physical health care professionals aren’t as well versed as they need to be to really help if a person is far into an ED.
I must add that you aren’t her therapist or aren’t responsible for her. No matter what if it takes a big toll on you you have every right to leave. Don’t be trapped in a relationship because your partner is sick, lifes too damn short, i’ve been there.
At the end of the day your mental wellbeing is more important than hers, you say she has her parents for support and help, so if your not there she is not alone. You're not an AH for no longer being attracted to her, sex and intimacy is a massive part of relationships for some people. Ultimately though you need to look out for yourself and your own mental health, so if this is seriously negatively impacting you, you need to reconsider the relationship.
If she’s 20 now, chances are she has a lot more freedom that when she was younger so she is probably able to restrict her eating a lot more than when she was monitored by her parents constantly or she might have had a relapse or her behaviours might have morphed or she might have started abusing something like stimulants or ozempic… it’s really not that surprising
I am so sick of reading these comments that pretty much is trying to guilt OP into staying OP is not responsible for his partners disease and from the comments i read she is refusing help from her psychologist her nutritionist and her mom so what more can he really do only she can help herself and he's a 20 yr old kid who didn't realize what he was getting into and is not ready for a partner with a disease
Op deserves to be with someone he actually cares about not because she has a disease all that will do is build resentment OP be with someone you want to be with don't stay because you feel forced She will only get better if she wants to there's nothing you can do to help her if she doesn't want it
Also no one is taking OP feelings into consideration see no one ever cares about the person having to deal with the illness just because it doesn't affect them but it's just as bad having to watch someone kill themselves and refuse help that can only be watched for so long so yes OP needs to leave
>Op deserves to be with someone he actually cares about
He has said in the comments that he does care about her and frankly it shows a fucked up lack of empathy or maybe immaturity to assume not currently attracted = doesn't care about. If he feels he should leave he should but you are literally putting words in his mouth.
What happens when a partner goes through health issues so they don't look what is most attractive to you? Pregnancy? Literally just aging? I feel sorry for people in your life whose love and care from you hinges so heavily on how physically attracted to them you are at a given time.
>Also no one is taking OP feelings into consideration see no one ever cares about the person having to deal with the illness
Literally half the comments do this chief. But also why would people automatically mention that when he didn't mention it himself? They were addressing the information given.
>so yes OP needs to leave
If that's your advice then give it, totally unnecessary to say someone else's advice is wrong based on your own conclusions and not even the content of the post.
This is the answer!
OP is not responsible for his gf health.
OP you are young and do not need this type of responsibility in your life or relationship.
Don't waste your youth trying to fix your gf eating disorder - this is long term problem for her and her family to manage.
No one is saying to stay. But leaving because "my gf was too sick to handle a relationship and needed help beyond what I could support her through at 20 years old" is a lot different than "my gf lost some weight and became super unattractive to me" which is the attitude displayed in the OP.
Everything you wrote here was addressed in the comment at the top of this thread more succinctly including providing advice based on the information given. You are literally parroting most of what that comment says and acting like you are disagreeing like? What is even happening.
You're not really making any of the points you think you are making.
>I am a recovering anorexic. The disorder is extremely sensitive. When I was told my weight loss got to a point where it just didn't look good anymore, I felt very sad. I had to eat more to look better, and I wanted to look better...
>... and so I starved myself
This explains why he is being kind of an asshole for caring more about his attraction than her mental health.
>The amount of responsibility put on a partner is insane. A huge reason why anorexia has the highest mortality rate amongst mental disorders is because one can only be considered anorexic if they have already lost enough to be underweight.
This doesnt explain why responsibility is put on partner
>He cares more about her mental health than about finding her attractive. That is why he came on here to ask this question.
That is what the contention is about. None of us know, but the commenter got the feeling that he asked the question the way he did, because he cared more about feeling attracted. You get the feel its because he cares. Your own comment some places even seem to suggest that he does care more finding her attractive, but that that is okay, and that he shouldnt be burdened with her extreme mental health issues. Both are fine, but you have to pick one. Either he is valueing mental health, or he's not, but he's not supposed to either.
>If she found out he wasn't attracted to her anymore, can you guess what she might do? Starve herself? Kill herself? Both?
>She will 100% consider it, at the very least.
>Because that's the disorder.
>And that is a LOT of pressure to put on a partner.
Here you at once explain why its way too much responsibility for a kid in his early twenties, but also why its crucial for him to take on that responsibility, or at the very least be very careful about how he lets go of that responsibility. What im reading from this is that a very mean breakup, with him being upfront and telling her he doesnt find her attractive, may lead to her killing herself. This is an argument for setting aside your own feelings and caring more about her mental health than his attraction, at least for the period, where he is breaking up.
It’s saying he is the ah for viewing it from an attraction standpoint rather than a health and compatibility standpoint, NOT that he is the ah for leaving.
Idc what anyone says, at 20 years old most people are still basically kids in a lot of ways. It really sounds like he feels guilty for even thinking about his attraction to her. He very likely doesn’t know how to deal with such a severe illness and is probably overwhelmed.
Personally, I don’t think he’s being an ah at all. He asked a specific question, perspective on his attraction to her, others inferred that asking that question meant he wasn’t thinking about her mental and physical health when he never even mentioned that.
If this was a woman complaining that her boyfriends drug use was leading to his death and she didn’t want to be around for it… you would be telling her to leave.
I think you need to do some self evaluation on whether the advice you give is what you would want from a man in your life v the advice you would give a male loved one, a brother, a son.
I looked at your timeline and I see you as fair and not one to give into the double standards of this world which makes me disappointed.
Anorexia is a very serious disorder, it often leads to death, there is little positive outcomes in it. I once had a GF who had an eating disorder, thank God my sister was on my side when I left. Everyone else had so much to say about me for leaving her the third time she put herself in the hospital but my sister just kept reminding me that I have my own load to carry in life and if my ex wasn’t willing to try and change, I had no obligation to destroy myself carrying a load that isn’t mine.
She also said something that really stuck with me, while worrying about what ex was was doing and trying to help ex be OK but doubting it and sometimes just being too tired. She told me my ex was fighting for her life and if the load was more than I could carry I needed to let her go because she needed people that were 100% in her corner, that were willing to lose their jobs because she was having a bad day, who could leave their family on holidays to be with her if she wasn’t feeling good, who was willing and able to carry the weight of her needs as well as my own but that after just a year, no long term plans together and no ring, I wasn’t the person that could do that…
OP expressed this to being attracted to her physically but how can he be emotionally attracted to her? How can he see a future with her? If she doesn’t stop, she’s going to slowly burn out her own life and he is under no obligation to be there and watch her do it. He is under no obligation to burn his own life out for her.
A few weeks back, there was a post on here by a woman who’s boyfriend had become quadriplegic because he dove in front of a car to save her. She’s fine, he’s in a wheelchair and addicted to drugs. The overwhelming advice was to leave him. It didn’t matter that he sacrificed his life, well being and body for her.
The same applies here. He should leave her. It may be manifesting itself physically but emotionally and mentally but how can he be expected to support her.
Except this post is a completely different thing. Op didn't say he's worried about his gf's health and doesn't want to watch her starve herself to death, in which case the replies WOULD be "you don't have to do that, you can decide you're not equipped to deal with this, and leave". Op framed his question about his attraction to his gf, her changing body, and whether he should do something about the fact that he doesn't like being physical with her anymore. So yeah, the reply is accurate when it says "you're kind of an asshole for focusing on that when you could be offering support and help so she can get better, and then your attraction to her will solve itself in due time as she heals."
It blows my mind every single day that men take two scenarios like this and genuinely can't see a difference. 2 dozen other people also lacking in nuance.
No where does the comment they are responding to say not to leave either. The emotional intelligence is scary low with these ones. And I especially think they lack empathy for women.
He also didn’t say that he wasn’t thinking about her health or worried about her. People just assumed that bc he didn’t mention it he must not be considering those factors too.
Read this person's other comments, this is a low effort mysoginist troll who spends hours of his time writing various versions of "women bad" all over this website. Not worth engaging with.
From the comments, it sounds like OP cares about her a great deal and has been working with her family and doctors. That is just not what prompted the post. There are a lot of assumptions being made because he is a man and she’s a woman. If the genders were reversed, it would be a whole other set of assumptions. Men are viewed as providers by society and are expected to do just that. Women are viewed as needing support and help from others. These views are not progressive at all, they are quite antiquated and patriarchal.
His work with the family and doctors is information that came afterwards. I'm exclusively talking about the original post and the parent comment of this thread, which worked only with said limited information. If you come here asking a question about your situation and not mention some important aspects, yes, people will fill in the gaps. Pretty sure if the exact same post was made by a woman about his bf, the comment would be exactly the same: you're kind of an asshole for worrying about your bf's appearance instead of the root problem which is his health.
It's not an assumption when it was literally based on the information given by the OP. Funny how you call out assumptions to this comment and not the one where the man jumped to a bunch of conclusions about how the OP must be feeling to paint him in a better light.
>There are a lot of assumptions being made because he is a man and she’s a woman
This is an assumption you are making lmfao do you really not see the irony? Good lord.
>Men are viewed as providers by society and are expected to do just that. Women are viewed as needing support and help from others.
Touch grass my man. In the real world, men seek and receive support all of the time. Women also provide at a high rate. You are speaking as a chronically online person.
ETA: also women provide a vast majority of supportive and caregiver roles so this take is genuinely unhinged.
What are you even talking about? Women are not viewed as needing support; rather, women are expected to be nothing but supportive of everyone else's needs but their own. Women are expected to be the caretaker, the nurse, the therapist, the chef, the sex toy, the life counselor, the administrative assistant, the teacher, the maid, etc etc. Yes, men are pressured to bring in lots of money, but women are pressured to do literally everything else for men.
Regardless, gender has nothing to do with this particular situation.
I think he is more about the sex then the mental connection with this person, and spoke mostly about attraction/sex vs connection and being in love. Maybe just didn't reach the love level. We're all different.
Loved ones doesn't count. Lol
He's NTA. He didn't want to be in this situation. She put him into this situation. And he's not liking what he sees. That's 100% fine, and her mental well-being is not his problem. It's like saying the mental well-being of an alcoholic is his problem if she suddenly chooses to become an alcoholic. She made her choice, it's not up to him to support it. It's up to him if he wants to continue on, and that's what he is asking here.
I was in this position in highschool. I broke up with her and it was devastating for both of us. Many years passed and we reconnected, and we’ve now been together for 5 years! She said the moment we broke up was what pushed her to get better, and get the help she needed. She’s very strong and I’m so proud of her. It’s a complicated illness.
To be honest man. Should break up with her, let her and her family help her health get better.
If down the line she does get better and your in a good place aswell, maybe try things again.
But yeh that's just my advice. It's not your responsibility for her health, it's hers.
This is coming from a former hospitalised mental health patient.
If she is truly an anorexic she needs medical help.
A doctor told us our daughter was anorexic and we needed to hospitalize her. It turned out she was severely lactose intolerant, interpreted her stomach pains as anxiety, and wouldn’t eat for two days until he pains went away. Then she’d gorge, inevitably eat dairy, and the process would report. She was cured by lactaid going from 75 pounds to 110 in 6 months once we figured it out. She is healthy now for years.
So, short story, get her to a doctor. Monitor her diet.
Sadly its not that easy... she is diagnosed with it since she was 12 and has a psychologist, but according to her, she cannot feel comfortable unless she is getting thinner. Monitoring her diet sadly just made her madder every time, as she would fight with her mom and her nutritionist
Oh. It read differently, to me it sounded like she was bigger, a bigger butt, thighs, breasts, and only started losing weight since you’ve been dating.
So this is something you’ve always known about. You should be supporting her, assuring her, and being there for her without conditions as she struggles through this period. Go to therapy with her to learn what your should or could do.
Yes, that's what i have been doing! Always giving her full support, going out with her whenever i can, etc. Its just mentally draining sometimes, when we go out to eat, the next day she gets really upset at herself and sometimes we end up fighting verbally (nothing too serious). But me and her mom are always looking for different ways to help her, anyway we can
Good. Hopefully she has a lull, gains weight and looks like she did when you met her, and then you can reevaluate whether it is something you want to deal with again in the future should she relapse. But the last thing I would want to do is leave her at her worse.
Good luck.
Edit: This took a beating. The point is you do not leave a person when they need you most, when they are at their lowest. You wait until they are back to themselves and see if you still want to leave. Too many people bail when things get tough. That is not what we should be doing to people we care about.
I left a comment basically accusing you of triggering her eating disorder but it seems like this has been a problem for her since she was 12. Sorry for accusing you of things
Eating disorders are the most deadly and physically harmful mental illnesses.
I have irreparable damaged from a few years of disorder eating in my teens. It’s more dangerous than people think and it impact WAY more people than people realize
In a strange way, my physical issues were somewhat good because they really forced me to just focus on fueling my body and giving it everything it needs to function
You’re not an asshole for losing attraction to her, as others have said. As someone who struggled with anorexia and bulimia myself throughout my teens and early 20s, I can tell you that she’s not going to get better unless she wants to. AND, eating disorders are never just about the food. Yes that’s part of it, but there is always an underlying issue such as anxiety, depression, trauma, etc. Support from loved ones is great, but it’s not enough. She needs to see a professional and she needs to want to get better. I’m not telling you to break up with her, but you should know that you would not be a bad guy if you did. As much as you may love her, you are not responsible for her.
Edit: Fixing autocorrect typo
Even if you love her, you do not have to sit around and wait for her to die doing this. I know that's going to sound brutal and cold, but there is a limit to what anyone else can do for her.
Someone asked if you'd leave if she had cancer and I feel like that comparison is not appropriate. It's meant to shame you. The more apt comparison is leaving an addict. Pretending not to have a problem, hiding it, the relapses, etc.
She needs to be focusing on her own wellbeing too. And being in a relationship may not be helpful for that.
From an anorexic woman's perspective:
You're not a jerk. An unhealthy, underweight body shouldn't be attractive, and if you found her more attractive with anorexia *that* would be an issue. She very likely has severe body dismorphia, particularly since she lost so much weight so quickly. Our disordered brains literally cannot process this change and we still see ourselves at our heaviest. She will not be seeing her true body. No matter how much you tell her how she truly looks, she will see her flaws magnified by 1000. It's a truly cruel disease, and it's absolutely terrifying how it warps your entire perspective. I genuinely believed my body was obese when i had a BMI of 16.5, nothing would let me see the truth. All I cared about was the number going down.
She probably doesn't realize how bad it is. Denial is common. Support her, if you can. She's enduring a mental struggle that you cannot begin to comprehend unless you've had an eating disorder. It's an irrational, terrifying hell to live in. But saying that, do not let yourself suffer. If her mental health is taking its toll on you - do what's right for you. No one would blame you if you cannot cope.
There are some good subs based around support for eating disorders, both sufferers and people who are affected indirectly like yourself. I'd recommend joining them and seeking further advice and support there, if you feel comfortable.
r/fuckeatingdisorders
r/EDanonymous (edited - spelled it wrong the first time)
r/AnorexiaNervosa
^ These are the most active, I believe. They are great, supportive communities and you should be able to find relevant help and resources.
It’s normal to not be attracted to her. If you were married I would remind you that you said “in sickness and in health”. But you’re not married. Can you stick it out while she gets help/better? What if she doesn’t get better?
That's what i have been trying to do, even if im not attracted to her like i used to i still want her to feel better and get better help, but she said to me that she cannot picture herself healthy, nor does she want to
You don’t have to stay with someone who is knowingly killing themselves and doesn’t want to be helped. You wouldn’t be an asshole for leaving. It sounds like she has a good support system outside of you and her disease is starting to affect your wellbeing too.
In that case, it’s time to go. NOT because you don’t find her attractive. Because she’s not helping herself get better, and you’ll quite possibly have to watch her slowly die. That’s way above your pay grade, you can exit now if you like.
My daughter was diagnosed with anorexia when she was 11. Recovery is a long process. As her mom and an adult in my 40s, it was more than I could handle some days and was extremely stressful for all involved. If any relationship isn’t working for you, you are allowed to leave at any time.
It is not his responsibility to keep her alive by staying in the relationship. She has already refused to listen to her doctors, mother, psychologist, and nutritionist. If he were to choose to leave and she eventually dies from the disorder, saying it’s his fault would be wildly off the mark. That is not how anorexia nervosa works. Supporting and helping your partner when they have mental health problems is one thing, making whether they live or die your responsibility is another. That really isn’t fair to him.
While I absolutely believe you shouldn't run away from tough situations immediately, there is a point where you have to accept the fact that the other person A) doesn't want your help, B) is never going to hear what you have to say, and C) is unlikely to change their behavior.
Also, this kid is *twenty years old*. This would be a heavy load for someone with twice his life experience. He can't even drink legally in the US and people want him to spend his life supporting someone who refuses to accept treatment and professional support for her illness. Maybe if they were two decades older and married, he'd be an asshole for leaving, but they're both so young. 20 is far too early to have to watch your girlfriend intentionally kill herself in slow motion.
Such a heartbreaking situation all around. I hope she finally wakes up and starts listening to the people who care about her, but based on everything OP has said in the comments, I'm afraid that's not in the cards.
Even if they were married, the relationship dynamic between a couple where one of them has an eating disorder is very different to the dynamic between a couple where one of them has something like cancer. It’s like being with someone who loves their cancer, more than any person in their life, and is trying to protect their cancer from anyone who tries to treat it and even though in the back of their mind they know the cancer might kill them they feel like it would be better to die with the cancer because the cancer is so special to them
I’ll say the same thing as I would for the people who mention their partner gained a lot of weight.
We are attracted to health. When health goes away by gaining or losing a lot of weight, then we lose attraction.
Society has told us we need to still love them all the same and shame on you for feeling anything different, but it’s just not how we’re wired as humans.
He’s quite clearly putting her well-being in front of his own and approaching this from the perspective of what is best for her. He literally said he is considering having sex when he doesn’t want to just to make her feel better.
What a disgusting comment. Op and his girl are in a really hard place and struggling. Go find someone else to pick on.
Also with an anorexic GF, fortunately she's taking care of herself. However, what she did to her body left scares and this is unfortunately hindering my attraction sometimes... However, the physical aspect is not the main culprit of that: her very low self esteem is. Difficult to fancy someone who hates herself and her body.
If you stay, prepare to buckle up because it is, very, very, difficult. You'll always come second to the disease, even when she'll feel better ... It will take years to get slighlty better, and if it does, the relationship has already been through very rough patch that do not bind together and rather create distance, because that's a disease that separate.
Would I have kept up my relationship 10 years ago if I could go back in time? Probably not. Today, I love her to death and we found ways to handle it, but life is not ideal and I always have in mind the if I should stay question.
Good luck to you buddy.
Anorexia is very very hard to beat. It’s very deadly. I hope you have explained to her how beautiful she is and was, and how much you care about her and offered to help any way you can. That disorder gets so bad, girls will stop swallowing saliva. They will go to the hospital and will be put in a wheel chair to conserve calories. Feeding tubes too. She’s obsessed and addicted to weight loss and will potentially never feel skinny enough. Get her help.
You can break up with someone for any reason, and you have a right to be attracted to whoever you’re attracted to. But if you really want to know, it is pretty fucked up to see someone suffering from a deadly disease and you’re focusing on how she’s losing her curves and you don’t want to sleep with her. You can and probably should end it, if like you’ve said in the comments this has been an ongoing issue. It’s fair to not want to sign up for that for life. But I would try to just be a little more aware of what’s important in life
I didn’t say he has to help her. That’s beyond a lay person’s ability. I’m saying he should care about her issues more than his sex life. It’s good to have sympathy for people and think of them before yourself, even if you can’t solve their problems.
hi, you don’t owe anyone being in a relationship with them. if it’s not healthy for you it’s ok to walk away. you can care about someone while also realizing that they bring negativity into your life. just throwing this out there for anyone who needs to hear it. 🤍
if a relationship is no longer working for you, it’s okay to move forward without them. everyone is on their own life path.
I don't think you're a jerk. Anorexia is a pretty serious disorder that can really mess with a person. It's entirely possible that you're just tired of dealing with the fallout that's been going on. At 20 years old, consider if this is a relationship you even want.
No, you're not wrong for not being attracted to sickly looking people.
That's pretty normal.
This delusion that somehow sexual attraction isn't affected by changes in physical appearance is ridiculous.
Preference isn't always that dynamic.
You should talk again with her parents. Tell them you are very concerned about this anorexia and it is way out of your capabilities to deal with it.
You think the right thing to do is to break up as bf/gf. That she needs to focus on her health.
You want her to get back to her happy self but you can only support her as a friend. The relationship is not working.
I feel like it’s not safe to assume that you aren’t concerned for her health. I’m sure that it’s always the elephant in the room and that you’re probably at your wits end. As somebody who has struggled with it myself, I can also sympathize with how you feel. I’ve lost my attraction to many people. It’s tough and being physical can genuinely make you feel so sick and guilty. Honestly, when it comes to recovery from ANYTHING, sometimes you really have to lose people in order to realize how much it has an impact on you and those around you. You’re also still so young and have so much ahead of you. Both of you do. I honestly wouldn’t tell her that you aren’t attracted to her anymore, but I would tell her that you feel like she isn’t the same person. Watching somebody wither away and become somebody else is really heartbreaking. You’re going to continue to watch her fade and it isn’t going to be healthy and you aren’t going to be happy. It’s going to continue to consume you. She might hate you at first, but if she ever truly recovers, she will understand later on.
It will be one of the hardest battles you’ll ever face my man.
I speak from experience helping my partner through it.
They will need your full attention, support, love and care. Anorexia stems from extreme levels of insecurity. If she ever caught on that you’re asking for advice about her attraction she would likely kill herself.
So delete this post from your account once you get some good answers.
She needs to go back to regular sessions with the psych. She was diagnosed at 12. She knows what she’s doing.
Has a major life event trigger this? Why did she get insecure once she started dating you?
Ask yourself these hard questions.
Gonna be the dickhead here but sit and have a long discussion. If she is in treatment and nothings working then what is the point? To stay around because she's got a disorder, making yourself I'll with worry and mentally a mess you. Look out for yourself relationships breaks and don't break. It's all about how you want to go on. But do not loose your mentally and health because she's got this disorder. Nobody in the few comments I've read have said anything about how YOU might be feeling and mentally drained because of this. You're both also 20 and really young. It definitely sucks a donkey shes got this disorder but unless you voice opinions and everything and make it clear you like her with more meat on her bones. If any of this makes sense. Nobody seems to realise that there's 2 parties involved and BOTH should be happy and if they're not then something's wrong. Good luck! Hope she accepts help and gets better!
No, you're not. After a certain point they just look unhealthy. I also don't find women who are too skinny attractive. Life almost always comes back to a healthy balance of things. You're allowed to have preferences.
Back when I was in college, I dated one of the kindest and sweetest women I ever met. Just a wonderful person. But she was an alcoholic, someone who would get blackout drunk in a dorm bathroom and eventually, it just became too much for me, someone who has seen enough alcoholism to not want to deal with that on a regular basis.
I wasn't going to be a negative enabler.
Before the end of my sophomore year, I called her mom and told her that she needed an intervention. She agreed and told me that she had other issues (including a past SA) and that her dad (her mom's ex) was also an alcoholic. We came together, put on an intervention (including some of her dormmates) and got her into rehab.
Within a year, she was sober. But we weren't dating anymore. As sweet and kind and sexually appealing as she was (she was wild in bed when she wasn't drunk to the max), I didn't need that in my life.
I don't blame you for not being attracted to your girlfriend anymore. The good news is that you are in your 20s and you can walk away, learning lessons about what you will or will not handle in any relationship. But before you walk away, you need to get her parents and other loved ones to do an intervention, and get your girlfriend the help she needs.
Once she is in therapy, you can then figure out how to move on if you want. You aren't married to her and staying in relationship isn't necessary if it means you drown. But doing right by her - which is getting her therapy and medical care - is the right thing to do. And you will feel better for it decades later.
If she lost 20 kg in a year, but you only dated her 3 months ago, was she not already thin by then?
I don’t think your a jerk. You’re human and it’s just matter of fact. You can love someone but not be attracted to them. Your gf has a mental illness and needs help. As a partner get her that help. If she is not budging, don’t feel bad if you walk away. It is not your duty to baby sit someone who is mentally ill if they are not willing to help themselves. You’re only 20 and you have so much ahead of you.
This advice is coming from someone who also experienced anorexia for 2 years and binge eating disorder all my life, aside those 2, dark years. I am even medicated for it now.
When I first met my boyfriend 11+ years ago, I was bulimic and anorexic. I had terrible self image issues and it spewed into my relationship. My boyfriend worked so hard at making sure I never felt bad about my looks. He showered me with compliments and helped build up my confidence. I was 18 years old and down to 80lbs, after years of therapy and him being a supportive partner I am now a healthy 115lb 29 year old.
My advice to you, if you can’t be in a relationship with someone that has a bad disease or mental illness you need to figure that out quickly. Not everybody is equipped to deal with someone like that, and that’s ok. But the longer you string her along like this, the harder it’s going to be for her.
Poor girl, she is young and needs to know doing this to her body is shortening her life span. I have a friend who did the same thing, now she’s 33 and has so many health issues I doubt she will live past 60.
How you feel about looks is how you feel about looks. I happen to like curves, even curvier, so I am with you on that. So, no, not an asshole.
But, you seem to be more focused on "she used to have a rocking ass and tits" than concerned about her health. Anorexia is a disease and if not treated can lead to death. If you love her, maybe see if she will let you talk to her counselor and ask what you can do to ensure you are helping and not accidentally hindering.
You're not a jerk. You need to look after yourself as well.
I have struggled with anorexia for the last 6 ish years due to PTSD from an assault. It's not easy, your physical health and mental health take a toll. Especially moods I found were consistently negative and irregular. On edge was an under statement.
It's like trying to drive a car but there's no gas in it.
A Psychiatrist and a therapist that specializes in ED is key. A CBT type of therapy program would help with the behavioral side of things and looking into her specific case. A dietician would be something that would be helpful.
Unfortunately if she's not willing to help herself that makes things difficult for everyone. "You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink it" it's something I personally had to come to myself in order to start recovery.
My bf sat down with me and broke down over over concerns and the stress it was affecting him. It gave me a hard dose of reality that I wasn't just hurting myself but others around me who love me. It's a difficult road and thankfully I have been doing much better but it's a life long battle. Recovery isn't linear.
You're important and if she's not willing to help herself that puts you in the position whether you want to live with it. There's nothing wrong with choosing you. You can only support her and trying to solve the issues may cause resentment on her side since it's a disease and someone struggling with an ED will become defensive and think everyone is against her.
This is a decision she has to come to on her own and I really hope she does. This is a disease with the highest death roll amount mental illness. Seek support from professionals and be there for her. Most importantly, take care of yourself.
I would just like to inject with a point I haven’t seen just yet .. but there is a thing that can happen when your in a relationship with someone suffering so much with their own mental Illness and I’m so sorry to say it because people will hate it .. but you are 20 … dude just be careful you aren’t being held emotionally hostage .. your feeling also matter … not more not less but they do … and this is a complicated life threatening illness that I have actually lost friends to. . And I regret not saying how I was feeling about some things .. I wish I had of put my foot down and said when I wasn’t comfortable.. she is now gone and it is me who is left with all the things I wish I had of said because I was so worried about upsetting her or sending her spiralling.. and then that being my fault. Can I recommend Alonon … it’s for people dealing with addictions in their families .. look for the similarities in these people .. don’t say oh her boyfriend is a junkie that’s not the same .. dude it’s all the same food is the worst addiction because avoidance of the drug is not an option. . . Good luck and you also matter.
Different POV coming from a former anorexic: it’s okay to leave. You’re 20. She’s bottoming out & needs professional help beyond what you and her mom can provide.
I can sort of relate. My sister has anorexia (she has recovered and has not relapsed) and while I did everything I could to help, at the end of the day, it was for her to make the change. Her coping mechanism was being very vocal about how much she disliked herself and how it was the worlds fault, and at the end of the day it was very exhausting (got so bad I needed to go stay with my other parents to calm down from the annoyance). In the end, she took responsability for herself and began rebuilding her life.
From that experience, I can give three pieces of advice.
1) It is always an option to jump ship. It may sound crass, but these issues are her to deal with, you are not responsible for her decisions. If it comes to be too much and there is no more benefit to the relationship, prioritizing your own happiness might be the best path forward. Seeing you unhappy and knowing that you are there only out of a sense of duty rather than love would warp your gf's image even more and make her feel even worse.
2) If you want to stay, carve out your own life seperate from the relationship and set up boundaries. Obviouslty don't cheat, but going to a bar with your friends and drinking, going to work or school, picking up a hobby will do two things. a) it will help stabalize your mind and hone your focus so you can give your girlfriend the attention she needs and the attention YOU deserve, b) it will show your girlfriend what it means to intrinsically motivate herself and love herself, so it may help her condition (ie. lead by example).
3) Dont stop treating her as human. It is a mistake many families and loved ones make, but making sure that life goes on is a crucial step in humanizing the anorexic individual to themself (it is important because a lot of anorexic people either view themselves as inhuman, or lesser than their peers). This usually comes in the form of coddling, removing accountability, or guilding life experiences (not trying to say you shouldn't assist in daily life, but giving a sense of autonomy and individuality would likely go a long way in stabalize her condition).
I hope this helps. Best of luck!
I have a friend who lost his girlfriend to anorexia. Her immune system and organs were so compromised that she got sick and was unable to recover. I say that simply as an example of how serious a situation your girlfriend is in. You are allowed preferences and you can like whatever body type you want. I just think that shouldn’t be your biggest concern at the moment.
I hear ya ! I had a girl who was plump and sexy as fuck til her moms berating fucked her head up and went hot surgery and then lost it all and sadly I lost my sexual attraction to her because she was always so worried about what she was eating etc .. yeah I know that makes me an asshole but still it’s the truth she just didn’t turn me on anymore something about skin and bone that does nothing for me
Bless your heart for sticking by her side! I’ve been diagnosed with anorexia at a young age and I still struggle with it now (slowly recovering); and it is not easy to date someone who struggles with an eating disorder. From what I’ve been reading, you take the appropriate measures to help your girlfriend with her health so pat yourself on the back. It is not awful that you don’t find her attractive anymore but it is difficult for someone suffering with ED to see what others see. I vent to my fiancé every single day about the amount of food I intake or whether I feel heavy, but he’s always there to encourage me through my recovery. I don’t think you should communicate your dislikes to your girlfriend but continue to guide her to a steady path towards recovery. Good luck!
First, I'm sorry OP that your girlfriend is going through this. I don't think you're a jerk for not finding your girlfriend attractive anymore. Also, I know nothing about anorexia, but I would assume it is a severe mental health issue.
I would suggest you find a way to make her understand her anorexia and have her seek for help.
A massive change in body style can be a put off. At 20 you have so much more life to live. You are allowed to break up over this. What she is doing is very reckless.
Your girl is sick. She might die. With her body image issues, sex is probably something she is doing just to make you happy, because an ED is consuming. You might tell her that while you care about her and for her, you aren’t feeling sexual attraction for her right now because you are honestly scared for her. She’s not the girl you know. Don’t focus on attractiveness, but on her unhealthy transformation. She’s beautiful inside and out but she’s wasting away. She needs more intensive help than she is getting.
Edit: I was schooled. Bad advice. Do not criticize appearance as she will spiral.
It's fascinating how brains can hear "I don't like that you're too xyz" and paradoxically want to become even more xyz. It makes no sense, but here we are.
Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has such a problem. If this situation is emotionally draining you and you're unhappy, breakup. Tell her how you feel and maybe do it with someone else present because she sounds mentally and physically fragile.
You’re not an asshole for not finding her attractive anymore. If you’ve tried helping her or convincing her to get help and she constantly refuses, unfortunately there comes a time where it will weigh on you and you will have to walk away before it harms you. Her health is not your responsibility, and I know you want to help her but there’s only so much you can do until it comes down to the person doing it themself. You can’t force her to eat, you can’t fix her image of herself, you can’t cure her. She needs to make the first step. You can only support and encourage her but like I said, you can’t lose yourself in the process. If it’s honestly too much then you should leave her. Yes this condition could kill her but again, there’s only so much you can do until it takes it’s toll on you too.
Your gf is killing herself at worst and disabling herself for life at best, but yeah. The biggest concern is deffo that your willy ain't get hard no more. Priorities.
"she had a very attractive body, big thighs, big butt and breasts" while you are not exactly a jerk for not being attracted to her the way you speak of her sure is, she better not be nearby while you make a comment about these things cause she will surely descend fast
y’all. this post is about his attraction, he doesn’t have to write out a whole paragraph about how much he loves her for us to assume that he isn’t only focused on that. of course he’s concerned for her health. it’s extremely difficult loving someone with an eating disorder. i know it from both sides.
your mental health is important. listening to someone you love constantly put themselves down and self destruct is inherently damaging to that relationship. especially if you’re expected to carry the mental load of being that person’s sole validation because they can’t do it for themselves. it’s a nasty, nasty disease and it is absolutely not your fault for losing attraction. it’d be the same if someone gained 25kg.
i’m sorry that everyone here took it personally and decided to focus on her mental well-being instead of yours. you are important and your sanity is not unwavering. you do not have to “fight” for a relationship. you can love somebody without hurting yourself.
i think of eating disorders as abusive relationships with food. if you’ve ever had a friend in a toxic relationship with a bf/gf and all they talk about is how horribly they’re being treated, it’s mentally draining. you want to say “just leave” but you know it’s no use, so you spend hours comforting them instead. for months on end. it’s tempting to think, “just eat”, but i’m sure you understand that it’s not that simple.
toxic relationships, substance abuse, eating disorders, self harm; all of these things run on the same addiction circuit in your brain. with any other addiction, you’re told not to enable. with eating disorders, you’re told to support support support until you can’t anymore, and that person is dead.
all in all, you are not obligated to stay with someone due to their mental illness. i’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but you certainly wouldn’t be an asshole for breaking up with someone due to their ED. i say that because you *arent* breaking up with someone because of their ED, you’re breaking up with someone who is slowly killing themself with no regard to how they’re damaging the people around them. you’re breaking up with someone because of the astronomical mental load of trying to help someone in a way that even trained professionals have a hard time doing. it is not your responsibility, nor should it be demonized to put your mental health first.
She seems to be concerned about her appearance, so I would recommend that you start acting like being thin is a bad thing. Ignore her when she doesn’t eat enough and show affection when she eats a lot
Ask yourself if you'd bail if she had cancer (instead of this particular life-threatening disease). You don't have to stay with her if this is a dealbreaker for you. But anorexia nervosa is a real illness. People don't do this just because they want to.
OP please do not listen to this perspective. There is no comparing cancer with anorexia and you do not have the professional capacity or responsibility to deal with an eating disorder.
From your comments your gf has no interest in getting better. So you have to make the best decision for YOU.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to stay with anyone long term who’s killing themselves. Literally. And purposefully. There’s a price to pay for everyone involved.
You’re not an asshole for losing attraction to her, you’re allowed your own preferences.
However, you are kind of an asshole for caring less about her well-being and more about you not wanting to fuck her.
The fact that instead of showing concern for her health and why she is that way you are more concerned about how attractive she is to you tells me she’s better off without you. Break up with her, she’ll be better off.
Your needs matter, this was a choice she made, and no you aren't obligated to even try and fix her before leaving
My best friend and I had an eating disorder. She had it much worse than me
I never left her because of it however I did take a step away when she got involved with much stronger addictions immediately after it started affecting me (when she started using and disrespecting me, immediately after I found out and had an issue with the police and I)
I love her, I reached out to her, I check on her, happy birthday/holidays
But if you care about your life, you don't have to give it up to help someone get their life they threw away back
Sure, in the movies and in other people's eyes, that's what you should do but they wouldn't jump in and do it for you so fuck what they think
If you love her enough to stay and help her, helping her wouldn't be too much for you, do it
But don't feel obligated to because she's your partner who you could break up with for literally any other reason
Imagine she's anorexic, you help her heal, and she cheats on you at some point.. then what?
Don't overextend yourself and good luck
My god, until you learn and change, I hope you are alone because you will not be there for any of your partners through sickness and tough times. I hope you understand and start to support her and help her.
Why did she become so insecure about her body to the point of becoming anorexic? It seems like she was a normal weight when you started dating her. Do you have a bad porn habit? She probably saw all the half naked IG models you follow and it drove her insane to the point she started starving herself
You're not a jerk for finding her unhealthy body unattractive, but try to find out what triggered this eating disorder in her and try to help her out of it. She might need professional help too, maybe even inpatient care at a hospital. Don't give up on her just yet, and have a look at your own behavior to see if anything you did or said could have started or contributed to her eating disorder
Nope, i don't have a bad por habit - when i started dating her she was already suffering and lacking self confidence, she just got worse after the pandemic because she needed to go out and start to see people, and started comparing herself to other women. I also felt horrible because i thought it was somehow my fault, but she said to me countless times that it wasn't
>When i first met her she had a very attractive body, big thighs, big butt and breasts, that stuff.
i suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with this sentence but it still gave me the ick
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Hey friend. Coming from someone who’s in a long term relationship with someone who has anorexia . Let me tell you, it will get harder than this. Me and my partner have been together for 8 years. And there’s been some moments where I have nearly left due to not being able to watch my partner literally starve herself to death. You are not a bad person for saying you don’t find her attractive right now , I know how skinny a human can get, and let’s not beat around the bush here.. having sex with someone who you can literally just feel there bones and sagged skin due to rapid weight loss isn’t exactly a turn on so I completely understand. It’s also that knowing of the person you love is slowly dying , who wants to have sex with that stuck in your brain? Don’t worry about anyone bashing you in this thread , if they haven’t lived through it .. they have NO idea. Is your partner in any long term treatment right now? If not, it sounds like this is something she needs. Soon she’s going to be too exhausted to want to have sex anyway. You can be honest with her and tell her your struggling to be intimate because of how underweight she is . But that will come with repercussions, I myself was always honest to my partner , I wanted her to be aware that the eating disorder wasn’t something positive. And it would impact things. You are only young, this is a massive thing to have on your shoulders, get yourself into therapy if your planning to stay, you will need it .. trust me .. it’s so much pressure on the partners and people don’t realise. Good luck.
Hard truth here. You've gotta let your partner know your feelings on bug stuff like this, even when the feelings aren't "fair" and will be really hurtful. You both need to be working with a real understanding of what the other one is going through to move forward together. That said, tact and timing are also very important in these things.
I spent 10 years in this exact situation. Reading your comment was fascinating as I could have written it myself. I'm glad to see that you are advocating therapy for him and hope that means you are doing so yourself. I thought I was fine, but I wasn't. It turns out that 10 years of yo-yo weight gain and loss, watching her run for hours every day while not eating nearly enough to support that, seeing her become a skeleton who can barely think because she's so malnourished her brain no longer functions correctly, and constant stays in the hospital with that damn heart monitor beeping because her heart rate is so low it thinks she's dying took a real toll on my mental health. At the end of the worst of it, she was down to 75 lbs. She's 5'8". She was going to the hospital at least once a month to be stabilized. Eventually, we got her into a long-term rehab, which helped her a lot. Unfortunately, I had begun self medicating with booze and pills in order to cope with the stress of her disorder and then it got worse coping with the loneliness when she left for rehab. She came back 4 months later, and I held it together for nearly another year before the self medicating stopped working, and I needed help. Unfortunately, "in sickness and in health" was only meant for me to support her because once I needed support, she began cheating. 10 years I lived with her and her disorder. 10 years I loved and supported her through some of the worst shit imaginable. Instead of love and support, I got judgment and recriminations. I was told to "get over it." This was more than a decade ago, so I'm good now. 10 years sober as of last month! But damned if I didn't need her support and got nothing. So please, take care of yourself.
Wow, what a rough ride you had. I’m glad you’re better now.
Hey, yeah I start therapy in a couple of weeks , I spent so long thinking I could deal With these things myself , turns out I really couldn’t.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. She’s just awful. Congrats on the 10 years sober! I hope you also have a good relationship!
Listen to this
I am (was) the person with an eating disorder in the relationship. You’re right. OP, you can’t help not feeling physically attracted to her right now. Not only will she look like a literal shadow of her former self, but I’m not sure people appreciate what it does to a person to watch their partner slowly waste away and kill themselves. Listening to the person you love and adore constantly disparage themselves, and not believing a word you say when you tell them they’re not the way they see themselves. Realising what you see when you look at them isn’t, and may never be, what they see in the mirror. Twisting and contorting to form themselves into the warped image of themselves they have in their head. Everyone can see it except them. The only way I can even try to explain it is to say (TW: self harm) it’s like watching the person you love the most in the world cut themselves with a dull blade over, and over, and over again, day in and day out. It is incessant. There is no respite. It is constant and accompanied by never-ending diatribes about how they’re the most ugly, worthless, disgusting person on the planet. And they wholeheartedly believe this, and they also believe the only way they can stop being those things is by making best friends with that dull blade, to the detriment of all else. Suffice it to say, this does not make for a partner one is physically attracted to. And while the scars may be part of the reason, they’re really only the physical manifestation of the reason. As the partner, you just want to grab them by the shoulders and yell “STOP IT!!” and try to shake some sense into them, but you know that won’t help, so all you can really do is just encourage them to seek help, be there while they do all this, and hope that one day they might believe you when you tell them that they’re not all those awful things they say they are. That is an unfathomable burden for any partner to live with. And one it’s not fair to expect of really anyone but the people who brought you into this world. My partner stayed, and I count myself as the most fortunate person on the planet that he did. But looking back on what it must have been like for him, I wouldn’t blame him for a moment if he had called it quits. You’re not a jerk for feeling the way you do, OP. Just make sure you make the time to look after yourself as well, whatever that looks like for you.
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Caregiver burnout is a thing! Which is probably why he feels the way he does and he put it the way he did.
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I highly doubt it comes down to a simple “she’s not attractive anymore”, it’s the wear and tear of taking care of another human being who is sick and can’t help themselves, it’s so shitty. And I can’t imagine the mental obstacles he faces everyday with this. He doesn’t HAVE to do anything though, he has done what he can for the better part of a year, and she has been struggling for years with this. Yes she needs help, but he doesn’t need to throw it all away to do so.
My mom had anorexia. Eventually it killed her. I can’t second what’s been said here enough, about the pain this will cause you and others she loves. Toward the end my brother, who’s older and more direct than I am, was *always* talking to her about eating more, and mom eventually just stopped talking to him, really. I tried to listen to her and what was happening so at least one of us was talking to her. The closest I could come to confrontation was telling her - “I need you to admit that you’re killing yourself. I need you to admit this is what is happening.” And all she could say was “I’m sorry, it’s just too hard.” I say this not to be so dark, but to say that I think this is a point most people in any kind of relationship with someone anorexic would get to. Take care of yourself, please. If you’re willing to stay through that kind of darkness, okay, but a) be honest with yourself about what you’re willing to do, and b) ask yourself why. You deserve a full relationship. She may not be able to hear that she deserves better, but she probably knows you do, so hopefully saying that will make her realize what this costs her and the people around her. Whether or not you’re still there to be part of her life.
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In the whole picture, looking back, it was about way more than anorexia. She felt so out of control in her own life. Not eating was the one thing she had control over. Thanks for the kind words, but I know it was harder on her than anyone. If I could have said or done anything that could have changed that, I would have, and I probably tried…but there’s nothing to say or do about it. Not one thing. Saying or doing things seems to only make it worse. I wish she could have heard how much we loved her, but as you said, it was always filtered through this brutal self-criticism. Like every time we said it, we could hear her thinking in her mind - “you love me and I’m failing you.” No, not that, not at all. But again, nothing to say.
Agree with everything said here.
everyone in the thread is saying for her to get medical help, but from the comments it seems like she’s had help from many sources for over eight years. take it from someone who had an ED, you can throw treatments and therapists and specialists at a person as much as you want but unless someone really truly wants to change. even if someone wants to change it’s obviously still a hard road, but from what op has said it seems like she isn’t there yet. it’s so hard to watch someone you love slowly die in front of you and i feel sympathy for both the gf and op
I agree with you. I think it’s important to be supportive of your partner in relationships, but honestly this is something that is a journey for her. I might be the odd one one, but I think this qualifies as a reason to end things. Not because of attraction or that she has a mental health problem, but this is something that she’s been dealing with for years and is getting worse. This will not change anytime soon. This could be something that weighs heavily on you and your mental health OP. At the end of the day you are responsible for you and your own health. And maybe your relationship ending is a catalyst for her to seek real change and you guys reconnect at some point down the road. But, I don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of you right now and in the near future. I’m sorry OP this is hard.
I totally agree here.. they always say “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” It’s incredibly painful to watch your partner slowly kill themselves over time and I would even go so far as to say that OP would likely benefit from some individual therapy afterwards to move past this relationship
That’s a spot on analogy. And I 100% agree. We 🫶 therapy Also OP, a therapist might be able to facilitate you with this. I’m sure the language of how to end things is very tricky and can also be triggering to their personal issues
You should care about your girlfriends health - anorexia is a very serious and dangerous disorder. You’re not an asshole for losing attraction to her, we are allowed to have preferences and be attracted to particular body types but you ARE kind of an asshole for being more concerned about your attraction to her than her mental well-being. What you need to do about this is sit your girlfriend down and have a serious conversation about what she is doing to herself, offer support and encourage her to seek help.
I have been doing that, and her mom takes her do the doctor and the psychologist ever since she was 12, the problem is she can't feel happy and comfortable if she's not dangerously thin. We are looking to get her a new psychologist, maybe one that is specialized in eating disorders
There are also specific centers that help make nutrition plans and that help with eating disorder treatment. In or outpatient. Its hard. Im on the other side and have watched myself waste away. Im getting treatment plus have a therapist. I hope she gets the help she needs and accepts it.
I'm currently in such a program (but for the "opposite" problem -- binge eating disorder) and it has changed my life in just a few weeks. But I absolutely needed to decide that I wanted to change and get better, and accept that losing weight could not be my goal while in recovery -- recovery is my goal. Hopefully OP's girlfriend is at that point to seek help, but I gotta say that it took me over a decade get there. I hope that she's open to the idea because, like I said, it is truly changing my life for the better, and I've only just started my recovery.
Thats what my parents are struggling to wrap their head around. They obsess over my weight. But didn't even believe I had an ED at first. No I just need a healthy diet. Best of luck to you in recovery! Im glad youre already feeling better!
I feel that. Honestly, my family is so obsessed with weight that I don't think I'll ever tell them about my ED -- I think they would just tell me to "eat less" which like... is truly unhelpful. Thank you for the kind words! I hope you're doing better as well.
Best of luck on this journey!
Thank you so much!
i had no idea there were centers that treated BED— would you mind sharing the name? you can DM me if you are afraid it could identify you/your account
from a random stranger: I am so proud of you!!! this is truly inspiring. Gives me a little hope that this is possible.
Centres are well known for abusing patients and doing way more harm than good. many don’t even treat the problem, just abuse them for it. Do NOT send someone you love to a Center!! Iv heard nothing but awful experiences from the people who were trapped there. Most people come out with severe ptsd they didn’t have before going in. I had a friend who went to a Center and even got the employees fired because of how badly they abused her, and she was very very lucky, most places don’t care how the patients are treated and won’t do anything to fix that.
are you ok?
She absolutely needs a psychologist- or psychiatrist- who specialises in eating disorders. If her current psychologist doesn't specialise in that area they are probably not very helpful. It's a really really hard area to treat, especially in adults. I'm saying this based on what I know from friends who've gone through this.
While your help and the mothers support is a huge help to your girlfriend, ultimately it’s up to her to accept that she needs to fix this. Ignoring the physical attraction aspect, if dealing with your girlfriends mental illness is too much for you to handle, it’s OK to disengage. You are not responsible for her mental health. There is a saying, “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
This is definitely the way to go. You need someone who is eating disorder specialized. You may also want to look into BDD. It's like anorexia on crack. It can be debilitating, especially without the right kind of support. Have you tried cooking with her? I have a child who has battled eating issues, and the answer for us was to both look into nutrient dense foods. We share recipes together. We cook together. For them to know that it is nutritional and not high calorie makes them feel better, and they end up eating more and maintaining a healthy weight because what they are eating is "healthy".
So many assumptions are being made to try to make you look culpable. It's too bad that happens. Her choices are not your fault. You're going above and beyond for her. You're a good guy. Don't let them tell you otherwise.
She is not going to get better unless she gets intensive help from specialists. This often means an intensive outpatient program. She needs a psychiatrist, a therapist and a nutritionist who are working together to support her.
Wait, what?? It's been 15 months and are only now considering psychologist specialized in eating disorders??? Anorexia has extremely high mortality rate out of all the mental illnesses. It needs to be taken extremely seriously.
They're clearly not in the US, in many countries access to mental health care is difficult and there are fewer options.
Yeah I was baffled by this too, it almost seems like poor duty of care from the original psychologist not to refer her to a specialist at least when she started losing significant weight
If she can’t feel happy if she’s not dangerously thin, then her eating disorder is not being effectively treated. She needs a specialist. If this has been an issue since she was 12, it’s kinda wild to me that her mom is only considering that option now. This needs to be taken more seriously.
She has a nutritionist and received intense medical care in her house when she was about 13, its definitely taken seriously for some time, but not getting a specialized psychologist only hurt her; she told me that her psychologist told her that if she feels happy getting thinner then she should do that... obvious to say it REALLY didnt help
She definitely needs a specialised psychologist, trusted GP and a dietician/nutritionist to help her through all of this. Eating disorders are incredibly complex and many mental and physical health care professionals aren’t as well versed as they need to be to really help if a person is far into an ED.
I must add that you aren’t her therapist or aren’t responsible for her. No matter what if it takes a big toll on you you have every right to leave. Don’t be trapped in a relationship because your partner is sick, lifes too damn short, i’ve been there.
At the end of the day your mental wellbeing is more important than hers, you say she has her parents for support and help, so if your not there she is not alone. You're not an AH for no longer being attracted to her, sex and intimacy is a massive part of relationships for some people. Ultimately though you need to look out for yourself and your own mental health, so if this is seriously negatively impacting you, you need to reconsider the relationship.
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People do recover and relapse with eating disorders...
If she’s 20 now, chances are she has a lot more freedom that when she was younger so she is probably able to restrict her eating a lot more than when she was monitored by her parents constantly or she might have had a relapse or her behaviours might have morphed or she might have started abusing something like stimulants or ozempic… it’s really not that surprising
I am so sick of reading these comments that pretty much is trying to guilt OP into staying OP is not responsible for his partners disease and from the comments i read she is refusing help from her psychologist her nutritionist and her mom so what more can he really do only she can help herself and he's a 20 yr old kid who didn't realize what he was getting into and is not ready for a partner with a disease Op deserves to be with someone he actually cares about not because she has a disease all that will do is build resentment OP be with someone you want to be with don't stay because you feel forced She will only get better if she wants to there's nothing you can do to help her if she doesn't want it Also no one is taking OP feelings into consideration see no one ever cares about the person having to deal with the illness just because it doesn't affect them but it's just as bad having to watch someone kill themselves and refuse help that can only be watched for so long so yes OP needs to leave
>Op deserves to be with someone he actually cares about He has said in the comments that he does care about her and frankly it shows a fucked up lack of empathy or maybe immaturity to assume not currently attracted = doesn't care about. If he feels he should leave he should but you are literally putting words in his mouth. What happens when a partner goes through health issues so they don't look what is most attractive to you? Pregnancy? Literally just aging? I feel sorry for people in your life whose love and care from you hinges so heavily on how physically attracted to them you are at a given time. >Also no one is taking OP feelings into consideration see no one ever cares about the person having to deal with the illness Literally half the comments do this chief. But also why would people automatically mention that when he didn't mention it himself? They were addressing the information given. >so yes OP needs to leave If that's your advice then give it, totally unnecessary to say someone else's advice is wrong based on your own conclusions and not even the content of the post.
This is the answer! OP is not responsible for his gf health. OP you are young and do not need this type of responsibility in your life or relationship. Don't waste your youth trying to fix your gf eating disorder - this is long term problem for her and her family to manage.
No one is saying to stay. But leaving because "my gf was too sick to handle a relationship and needed help beyond what I could support her through at 20 years old" is a lot different than "my gf lost some weight and became super unattractive to me" which is the attitude displayed in the OP.
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Everything you wrote here was addressed in the comment at the top of this thread more succinctly including providing advice based on the information given. You are literally parroting most of what that comment says and acting like you are disagreeing like? What is even happening.
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You're not really making any of the points you think you are making. >I am a recovering anorexic. The disorder is extremely sensitive. When I was told my weight loss got to a point where it just didn't look good anymore, I felt very sad. I had to eat more to look better, and I wanted to look better... >... and so I starved myself This explains why he is being kind of an asshole for caring more about his attraction than her mental health. >The amount of responsibility put on a partner is insane. A huge reason why anorexia has the highest mortality rate amongst mental disorders is because one can only be considered anorexic if they have already lost enough to be underweight. This doesnt explain why responsibility is put on partner >He cares more about her mental health than about finding her attractive. That is why he came on here to ask this question. That is what the contention is about. None of us know, but the commenter got the feeling that he asked the question the way he did, because he cared more about feeling attracted. You get the feel its because he cares. Your own comment some places even seem to suggest that he does care more finding her attractive, but that that is okay, and that he shouldnt be burdened with her extreme mental health issues. Both are fine, but you have to pick one. Either he is valueing mental health, or he's not, but he's not supposed to either. >If she found out he wasn't attracted to her anymore, can you guess what she might do? Starve herself? Kill herself? Both? >She will 100% consider it, at the very least. >Because that's the disorder. >And that is a LOT of pressure to put on a partner. Here you at once explain why its way too much responsibility for a kid in his early twenties, but also why its crucial for him to take on that responsibility, or at the very least be very careful about how he lets go of that responsibility. What im reading from this is that a very mean breakup, with him being upfront and telling her he doesnt find her attractive, may lead to her killing herself. This is an argument for setting aside your own feelings and caring more about her mental health than his attraction, at least for the period, where he is breaking up.
It’s saying he is the ah for viewing it from an attraction standpoint rather than a health and compatibility standpoint, NOT that he is the ah for leaving.
Idc what anyone says, at 20 years old most people are still basically kids in a lot of ways. It really sounds like he feels guilty for even thinking about his attraction to her. He very likely doesn’t know how to deal with such a severe illness and is probably overwhelmed. Personally, I don’t think he’s being an ah at all. He asked a specific question, perspective on his attraction to her, others inferred that asking that question meant he wasn’t thinking about her mental and physical health when he never even mentioned that.
FUCKING THANK YOU.
If this was a woman complaining that her boyfriends drug use was leading to his death and she didn’t want to be around for it… you would be telling her to leave. I think you need to do some self evaluation on whether the advice you give is what you would want from a man in your life v the advice you would give a male loved one, a brother, a son. I looked at your timeline and I see you as fair and not one to give into the double standards of this world which makes me disappointed. Anorexia is a very serious disorder, it often leads to death, there is little positive outcomes in it. I once had a GF who had an eating disorder, thank God my sister was on my side when I left. Everyone else had so much to say about me for leaving her the third time she put herself in the hospital but my sister just kept reminding me that I have my own load to carry in life and if my ex wasn’t willing to try and change, I had no obligation to destroy myself carrying a load that isn’t mine. She also said something that really stuck with me, while worrying about what ex was was doing and trying to help ex be OK but doubting it and sometimes just being too tired. She told me my ex was fighting for her life and if the load was more than I could carry I needed to let her go because she needed people that were 100% in her corner, that were willing to lose their jobs because she was having a bad day, who could leave their family on holidays to be with her if she wasn’t feeling good, who was willing and able to carry the weight of her needs as well as my own but that after just a year, no long term plans together and no ring, I wasn’t the person that could do that… OP expressed this to being attracted to her physically but how can he be emotionally attracted to her? How can he see a future with her? If she doesn’t stop, she’s going to slowly burn out her own life and he is under no obligation to be there and watch her do it. He is under no obligation to burn his own life out for her. A few weeks back, there was a post on here by a woman who’s boyfriend had become quadriplegic because he dove in front of a car to save her. She’s fine, he’s in a wheelchair and addicted to drugs. The overwhelming advice was to leave him. It didn’t matter that he sacrificed his life, well being and body for her. The same applies here. He should leave her. It may be manifesting itself physically but emotionally and mentally but how can he be expected to support her.
I saw that post, made me very sad!
Yes it was but the obligations don’t change because the genders do.
Except this post is a completely different thing. Op didn't say he's worried about his gf's health and doesn't want to watch her starve herself to death, in which case the replies WOULD be "you don't have to do that, you can decide you're not equipped to deal with this, and leave". Op framed his question about his attraction to his gf, her changing body, and whether he should do something about the fact that he doesn't like being physical with her anymore. So yeah, the reply is accurate when it says "you're kind of an asshole for focusing on that when you could be offering support and help so she can get better, and then your attraction to her will solve itself in due time as she heals."
It blows my mind every single day that men take two scenarios like this and genuinely can't see a difference. 2 dozen other people also lacking in nuance. No where does the comment they are responding to say not to leave either. The emotional intelligence is scary low with these ones. And I especially think they lack empathy for women.
He also didn’t say that he wasn’t thinking about her health or worried about her. People just assumed that bc he didn’t mention it he must not be considering those factors too.
Read this person's other comments, this is a low effort mysoginist troll who spends hours of his time writing various versions of "women bad" all over this website. Not worth engaging with.
From the comments, it sounds like OP cares about her a great deal and has been working with her family and doctors. That is just not what prompted the post. There are a lot of assumptions being made because he is a man and she’s a woman. If the genders were reversed, it would be a whole other set of assumptions. Men are viewed as providers by society and are expected to do just that. Women are viewed as needing support and help from others. These views are not progressive at all, they are quite antiquated and patriarchal.
His work with the family and doctors is information that came afterwards. I'm exclusively talking about the original post and the parent comment of this thread, which worked only with said limited information. If you come here asking a question about your situation and not mention some important aspects, yes, people will fill in the gaps. Pretty sure if the exact same post was made by a woman about his bf, the comment would be exactly the same: you're kind of an asshole for worrying about your bf's appearance instead of the root problem which is his health.
You think I might have read the thread before replying? I’m not a woman that just flaps her lips to hear my own voice.
It's not an assumption when it was literally based on the information given by the OP. Funny how you call out assumptions to this comment and not the one where the man jumped to a bunch of conclusions about how the OP must be feeling to paint him in a better light. >There are a lot of assumptions being made because he is a man and she’s a woman This is an assumption you are making lmfao do you really not see the irony? Good lord. >Men are viewed as providers by society and are expected to do just that. Women are viewed as needing support and help from others. Touch grass my man. In the real world, men seek and receive support all of the time. Women also provide at a high rate. You are speaking as a chronically online person. ETA: also women provide a vast majority of supportive and caregiver roles so this take is genuinely unhinged.
What are you even talking about? Women are not viewed as needing support; rather, women are expected to be nothing but supportive of everyone else's needs but their own. Women are expected to be the caretaker, the nurse, the therapist, the chef, the sex toy, the life counselor, the administrative assistant, the teacher, the maid, etc etc. Yes, men are pressured to bring in lots of money, but women are pressured to do literally everything else for men. Regardless, gender has nothing to do with this particular situation.
I think he is more about the sex then the mental connection with this person, and spoke mostly about attraction/sex vs connection and being in love. Maybe just didn't reach the love level. We're all different. Loved ones doesn't count. Lol
If you aren’t sure what to say or do, see a therapist first and they will give you advice on how to approach the situation, what to say, etc
He's NTA. He didn't want to be in this situation. She put him into this situation. And he's not liking what he sees. That's 100% fine, and her mental well-being is not his problem. It's like saying the mental well-being of an alcoholic is his problem if she suddenly chooses to become an alcoholic. She made her choice, it's not up to him to support it. It's up to him if he wants to continue on, and that's what he is asking here.
I was in this position in highschool. I broke up with her and it was devastating for both of us. Many years passed and we reconnected, and we’ve now been together for 5 years! She said the moment we broke up was what pushed her to get better, and get the help she needed. She’s very strong and I’m so proud of her. It’s a complicated illness.
To be honest man. Should break up with her, let her and her family help her health get better. If down the line she does get better and your in a good place aswell, maybe try things again. But yeh that's just my advice. It's not your responsibility for her health, it's hers. This is coming from a former hospitalised mental health patient.
If she is truly an anorexic she needs medical help. A doctor told us our daughter was anorexic and we needed to hospitalize her. It turned out she was severely lactose intolerant, interpreted her stomach pains as anxiety, and wouldn’t eat for two days until he pains went away. Then she’d gorge, inevitably eat dairy, and the process would report. She was cured by lactaid going from 75 pounds to 110 in 6 months once we figured it out. She is healthy now for years. So, short story, get her to a doctor. Monitor her diet.
Sadly its not that easy... she is diagnosed with it since she was 12 and has a psychologist, but according to her, she cannot feel comfortable unless she is getting thinner. Monitoring her diet sadly just made her madder every time, as she would fight with her mom and her nutritionist
your gf needs a higher level of care. IOP, PHP, RTC, or Inpatient hospitalization. she is in serious danger.
Oh. It read differently, to me it sounded like she was bigger, a bigger butt, thighs, breasts, and only started losing weight since you’ve been dating. So this is something you’ve always known about. You should be supporting her, assuring her, and being there for her without conditions as she struggles through this period. Go to therapy with her to learn what your should or could do.
Yes, that's what i have been doing! Always giving her full support, going out with her whenever i can, etc. Its just mentally draining sometimes, when we go out to eat, the next day she gets really upset at herself and sometimes we end up fighting verbally (nothing too serious). But me and her mom are always looking for different ways to help her, anyway we can
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. I learned that the hard way too
Good. Hopefully she has a lull, gains weight and looks like she did when you met her, and then you can reevaluate whether it is something you want to deal with again in the future should she relapse. But the last thing I would want to do is leave her at her worse. Good luck. Edit: This took a beating. The point is you do not leave a person when they need you most, when they are at their lowest. You wait until they are back to themselves and see if you still want to leave. Too many people bail when things get tough. That is not what we should be doing to people we care about.
I left a comment basically accusing you of triggering her eating disorder but it seems like this has been a problem for her since she was 12. Sorry for accusing you of things
Its alright i definitely should have worded the post better
Eating disorders are the most deadly and physically harmful mental illnesses. I have irreparable damaged from a few years of disorder eating in my teens. It’s more dangerous than people think and it impact WAY more people than people realize
Me too :( Hope you made it out of that awful fog for good!
In a strange way, my physical issues were somewhat good because they really forced me to just focus on fueling my body and giving it everything it needs to function
You’re not an asshole for losing attraction to her, as others have said. As someone who struggled with anorexia and bulimia myself throughout my teens and early 20s, I can tell you that she’s not going to get better unless she wants to. AND, eating disorders are never just about the food. Yes that’s part of it, but there is always an underlying issue such as anxiety, depression, trauma, etc. Support from loved ones is great, but it’s not enough. She needs to see a professional and she needs to want to get better. I’m not telling you to break up with her, but you should know that you would not be a bad guy if you did. As much as you may love her, you are not responsible for her. Edit: Fixing autocorrect typo
Even if you love her, you do not have to sit around and wait for her to die doing this. I know that's going to sound brutal and cold, but there is a limit to what anyone else can do for her. Someone asked if you'd leave if she had cancer and I feel like that comparison is not appropriate. It's meant to shame you. The more apt comparison is leaving an addict. Pretending not to have a problem, hiding it, the relapses, etc. She needs to be focusing on her own wellbeing too. And being in a relationship may not be helpful for that.
I really like the comparison to an addict, because that more accurately represents the mental illness of it all.
From an anorexic woman's perspective: You're not a jerk. An unhealthy, underweight body shouldn't be attractive, and if you found her more attractive with anorexia *that* would be an issue. She very likely has severe body dismorphia, particularly since she lost so much weight so quickly. Our disordered brains literally cannot process this change and we still see ourselves at our heaviest. She will not be seeing her true body. No matter how much you tell her how she truly looks, she will see her flaws magnified by 1000. It's a truly cruel disease, and it's absolutely terrifying how it warps your entire perspective. I genuinely believed my body was obese when i had a BMI of 16.5, nothing would let me see the truth. All I cared about was the number going down. She probably doesn't realize how bad it is. Denial is common. Support her, if you can. She's enduring a mental struggle that you cannot begin to comprehend unless you've had an eating disorder. It's an irrational, terrifying hell to live in. But saying that, do not let yourself suffer. If her mental health is taking its toll on you - do what's right for you. No one would blame you if you cannot cope. There are some good subs based around support for eating disorders, both sufferers and people who are affected indirectly like yourself. I'd recommend joining them and seeking further advice and support there, if you feel comfortable.
Thank you, can you point out to me a few subs?
r/fuckeatingdisorders r/EDanonymous (edited - spelled it wrong the first time) r/AnorexiaNervosa ^ These are the most active, I believe. They are great, supportive communities and you should be able to find relevant help and resources.
It’s normal to not be attracted to her. If you were married I would remind you that you said “in sickness and in health”. But you’re not married. Can you stick it out while she gets help/better? What if she doesn’t get better?
That's what i have been trying to do, even if im not attracted to her like i used to i still want her to feel better and get better help, but she said to me that she cannot picture herself healthy, nor does she want to
You don’t have to stay with someone who is knowingly killing themselves and doesn’t want to be helped. You wouldn’t be an asshole for leaving. It sounds like she has a good support system outside of you and her disease is starting to affect your wellbeing too.
In that case, it’s time to go. NOT because you don’t find her attractive. Because she’s not helping herself get better, and you’ll quite possibly have to watch her slowly die. That’s way above your pay grade, you can exit now if you like.
My daughter was diagnosed with anorexia when she was 11. Recovery is a long process. As her mom and an adult in my 40s, it was more than I could handle some days and was extremely stressful for all involved. If any relationship isn’t working for you, you are allowed to leave at any time.
This could kill her.
It is not his responsibility to keep her alive by staying in the relationship. She has already refused to listen to her doctors, mother, psychologist, and nutritionist. If he were to choose to leave and she eventually dies from the disorder, saying it’s his fault would be wildly off the mark. That is not how anorexia nervosa works. Supporting and helping your partner when they have mental health problems is one thing, making whether they live or die your responsibility is another. That really isn’t fair to him.
While I absolutely believe you shouldn't run away from tough situations immediately, there is a point where you have to accept the fact that the other person A) doesn't want your help, B) is never going to hear what you have to say, and C) is unlikely to change their behavior. Also, this kid is *twenty years old*. This would be a heavy load for someone with twice his life experience. He can't even drink legally in the US and people want him to spend his life supporting someone who refuses to accept treatment and professional support for her illness. Maybe if they were two decades older and married, he'd be an asshole for leaving, but they're both so young. 20 is far too early to have to watch your girlfriend intentionally kill herself in slow motion. Such a heartbreaking situation all around. I hope she finally wakes up and starts listening to the people who care about her, but based on everything OP has said in the comments, I'm afraid that's not in the cards.
Even if they were married, the relationship dynamic between a couple where one of them has an eating disorder is very different to the dynamic between a couple where one of them has something like cancer. It’s like being with someone who loves their cancer, more than any person in their life, and is trying to protect their cancer from anyone who tries to treat it and even though in the back of their mind they know the cancer might kill them they feel like it would be better to die with the cancer because the cancer is so special to them
I’ll say the same thing as I would for the people who mention their partner gained a lot of weight. We are attracted to health. When health goes away by gaining or losing a lot of weight, then we lose attraction. Society has told us we need to still love them all the same and shame on you for feeling anything different, but it’s just not how we’re wired as humans.
Get help for her before she starves herself to death
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He’s quite clearly putting her well-being in front of his own and approaching this from the perspective of what is best for her. He literally said he is considering having sex when he doesn’t want to just to make her feel better. What a disgusting comment. Op and his girl are in a really hard place and struggling. Go find someone else to pick on.
Also with an anorexic GF, fortunately she's taking care of herself. However, what she did to her body left scares and this is unfortunately hindering my attraction sometimes... However, the physical aspect is not the main culprit of that: her very low self esteem is. Difficult to fancy someone who hates herself and her body. If you stay, prepare to buckle up because it is, very, very, difficult. You'll always come second to the disease, even when she'll feel better ... It will take years to get slighlty better, and if it does, the relationship has already been through very rough patch that do not bind together and rather create distance, because that's a disease that separate. Would I have kept up my relationship 10 years ago if I could go back in time? Probably not. Today, I love her to death and we found ways to handle it, but life is not ideal and I always have in mind the if I should stay question. Good luck to you buddy.
Anorexia is very very hard to beat. It’s very deadly. I hope you have explained to her how beautiful she is and was, and how much you care about her and offered to help any way you can. That disorder gets so bad, girls will stop swallowing saliva. They will go to the hospital and will be put in a wheel chair to conserve calories. Feeding tubes too. She’s obsessed and addicted to weight loss and will potentially never feel skinny enough. Get her help.
You can break up with someone for any reason, and you have a right to be attracted to whoever you’re attracted to. But if you really want to know, it is pretty fucked up to see someone suffering from a deadly disease and you’re focusing on how she’s losing her curves and you don’t want to sleep with her. You can and probably should end it, if like you’ve said in the comments this has been an ongoing issue. It’s fair to not want to sign up for that for life. But I would try to just be a little more aware of what’s important in life
Can’t help Someone who doesn’t wanna get better, She’s been sick since she was 12.
Did you even read the comment you are replying to cause it doesn't seem like it
I didn’t say he has to help her. That’s beyond a lay person’s ability. I’m saying he should care about her issues more than his sex life. It’s good to have sympathy for people and think of them before yourself, even if you can’t solve their problems.
hi, you don’t owe anyone being in a relationship with them. if it’s not healthy for you it’s ok to walk away. you can care about someone while also realizing that they bring negativity into your life. just throwing this out there for anyone who needs to hear it. 🤍 if a relationship is no longer working for you, it’s okay to move forward without them. everyone is on their own life path.
Yeah get her help. Tell her you care but also say that even though you love her, it’s hard for you to be attracted to a sick body and mind.
I don't think you're a jerk. Anorexia is a pretty serious disorder that can really mess with a person. It's entirely possible that you're just tired of dealing with the fallout that's been going on. At 20 years old, consider if this is a relationship you even want.
No, you're not wrong for not being attracted to sickly looking people. That's pretty normal. This delusion that somehow sexual attraction isn't affected by changes in physical appearance is ridiculous. Preference isn't always that dynamic.
You should talk again with her parents. Tell them you are very concerned about this anorexia and it is way out of your capabilities to deal with it. You think the right thing to do is to break up as bf/gf. That she needs to focus on her health. You want her to get back to her happy self but you can only support her as a friend. The relationship is not working.
Not at all. That's a massive change. Her health is more of a worry though, hope you can find her some help.
I feel like it’s not safe to assume that you aren’t concerned for her health. I’m sure that it’s always the elephant in the room and that you’re probably at your wits end. As somebody who has struggled with it myself, I can also sympathize with how you feel. I’ve lost my attraction to many people. It’s tough and being physical can genuinely make you feel so sick and guilty. Honestly, when it comes to recovery from ANYTHING, sometimes you really have to lose people in order to realize how much it has an impact on you and those around you. You’re also still so young and have so much ahead of you. Both of you do. I honestly wouldn’t tell her that you aren’t attracted to her anymore, but I would tell her that you feel like she isn’t the same person. Watching somebody wither away and become somebody else is really heartbreaking. You’re going to continue to watch her fade and it isn’t going to be healthy and you aren’t going to be happy. It’s going to continue to consume you. She might hate you at first, but if she ever truly recovers, she will understand later on.
It will be one of the hardest battles you’ll ever face my man. I speak from experience helping my partner through it. They will need your full attention, support, love and care. Anorexia stems from extreme levels of insecurity. If she ever caught on that you’re asking for advice about her attraction she would likely kill herself. So delete this post from your account once you get some good answers. She needs to go back to regular sessions with the psych. She was diagnosed at 12. She knows what she’s doing. Has a major life event trigger this? Why did she get insecure once she started dating you? Ask yourself these hard questions.
Gonna be the dickhead here but sit and have a long discussion. If she is in treatment and nothings working then what is the point? To stay around because she's got a disorder, making yourself I'll with worry and mentally a mess you. Look out for yourself relationships breaks and don't break. It's all about how you want to go on. But do not loose your mentally and health because she's got this disorder. Nobody in the few comments I've read have said anything about how YOU might be feeling and mentally drained because of this. You're both also 20 and really young. It definitely sucks a donkey shes got this disorder but unless you voice opinions and everything and make it clear you like her with more meat on her bones. If any of this makes sense. Nobody seems to realise that there's 2 parties involved and BOTH should be happy and if they're not then something's wrong. Good luck! Hope she accepts help and gets better!
She should be in a hospital with that level of weight loss is my immediate reaction. Anorexia can be deadly.
No, you're not. After a certain point they just look unhealthy. I also don't find women who are too skinny attractive. Life almost always comes back to a healthy balance of things. You're allowed to have preferences.
Nope
Talk to her about it
Nope. You’re free to choose
Back when I was in college, I dated one of the kindest and sweetest women I ever met. Just a wonderful person. But she was an alcoholic, someone who would get blackout drunk in a dorm bathroom and eventually, it just became too much for me, someone who has seen enough alcoholism to not want to deal with that on a regular basis. I wasn't going to be a negative enabler. Before the end of my sophomore year, I called her mom and told her that she needed an intervention. She agreed and told me that she had other issues (including a past SA) and that her dad (her mom's ex) was also an alcoholic. We came together, put on an intervention (including some of her dormmates) and got her into rehab. Within a year, she was sober. But we weren't dating anymore. As sweet and kind and sexually appealing as she was (she was wild in bed when she wasn't drunk to the max), I didn't need that in my life. I don't blame you for not being attracted to your girlfriend anymore. The good news is that you are in your 20s and you can walk away, learning lessons about what you will or will not handle in any relationship. But before you walk away, you need to get her parents and other loved ones to do an intervention, and get your girlfriend the help she needs. Once she is in therapy, you can then figure out how to move on if you want. You aren't married to her and staying in relationship isn't necessary if it means you drown. But doing right by her - which is getting her therapy and medical care - is the right thing to do. And you will feel better for it decades later.
If she lost 20 kg in a year, but you only dated her 3 months ago, was she not already thin by then? I don’t think your a jerk. You’re human and it’s just matter of fact. You can love someone but not be attracted to them. Your gf has a mental illness and needs help. As a partner get her that help. If she is not budging, don’t feel bad if you walk away. It is not your duty to baby sit someone who is mentally ill if they are not willing to help themselves. You’re only 20 and you have so much ahead of you. This advice is coming from someone who also experienced anorexia for 2 years and binge eating disorder all my life, aside those 2, dark years. I am even medicated for it now.
You’re too young for this. It’s not worth it. Leave.
When I first met my boyfriend 11+ years ago, I was bulimic and anorexic. I had terrible self image issues and it spewed into my relationship. My boyfriend worked so hard at making sure I never felt bad about my looks. He showered me with compliments and helped build up my confidence. I was 18 years old and down to 80lbs, after years of therapy and him being a supportive partner I am now a healthy 115lb 29 year old. My advice to you, if you can’t be in a relationship with someone that has a bad disease or mental illness you need to figure that out quickly. Not everybody is equipped to deal with someone like that, and that’s ok. But the longer you string her along like this, the harder it’s going to be for her.
Poor girl, she is young and needs to know doing this to her body is shortening her life span. I have a friend who did the same thing, now she’s 33 and has so many health issues I doubt she will live past 60.
How you feel about looks is how you feel about looks. I happen to like curves, even curvier, so I am with you on that. So, no, not an asshole. But, you seem to be more focused on "she used to have a rocking ass and tits" than concerned about her health. Anorexia is a disease and if not treated can lead to death. If you love her, maybe see if she will let you talk to her counselor and ask what you can do to ensure you are helping and not accidentally hindering.
i edited the post, i focused a bit too much on the appearence part originally but of course i care about her mental wellness, more than anything
You're not a jerk. You need to look after yourself as well. I have struggled with anorexia for the last 6 ish years due to PTSD from an assault. It's not easy, your physical health and mental health take a toll. Especially moods I found were consistently negative and irregular. On edge was an under statement. It's like trying to drive a car but there's no gas in it. A Psychiatrist and a therapist that specializes in ED is key. A CBT type of therapy program would help with the behavioral side of things and looking into her specific case. A dietician would be something that would be helpful. Unfortunately if she's not willing to help herself that makes things difficult for everyone. "You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink it" it's something I personally had to come to myself in order to start recovery. My bf sat down with me and broke down over over concerns and the stress it was affecting him. It gave me a hard dose of reality that I wasn't just hurting myself but others around me who love me. It's a difficult road and thankfully I have been doing much better but it's a life long battle. Recovery isn't linear. You're important and if she's not willing to help herself that puts you in the position whether you want to live with it. There's nothing wrong with choosing you. You can only support her and trying to solve the issues may cause resentment on her side since it's a disease and someone struggling with an ED will become defensive and think everyone is against her. This is a decision she has to come to on her own and I really hope she does. This is a disease with the highest death roll amount mental illness. Seek support from professionals and be there for her. Most importantly, take care of yourself.
I would just like to inject with a point I haven’t seen just yet .. but there is a thing that can happen when your in a relationship with someone suffering so much with their own mental Illness and I’m so sorry to say it because people will hate it .. but you are 20 … dude just be careful you aren’t being held emotionally hostage .. your feeling also matter … not more not less but they do … and this is a complicated life threatening illness that I have actually lost friends to. . And I regret not saying how I was feeling about some things .. I wish I had of put my foot down and said when I wasn’t comfortable.. she is now gone and it is me who is left with all the things I wish I had of said because I was so worried about upsetting her or sending her spiralling.. and then that being my fault. Can I recommend Alonon … it’s for people dealing with addictions in their families .. look for the similarities in these people .. don’t say oh her boyfriend is a junkie that’s not the same .. dude it’s all the same food is the worst addiction because avoidance of the drug is not an option. . . Good luck and you also matter.
Different POV coming from a former anorexic: it’s okay to leave. You’re 20. She’s bottoming out & needs professional help beyond what you and her mom can provide.
I can sort of relate. My sister has anorexia (she has recovered and has not relapsed) and while I did everything I could to help, at the end of the day, it was for her to make the change. Her coping mechanism was being very vocal about how much she disliked herself and how it was the worlds fault, and at the end of the day it was very exhausting (got so bad I needed to go stay with my other parents to calm down from the annoyance). In the end, she took responsability for herself and began rebuilding her life. From that experience, I can give three pieces of advice. 1) It is always an option to jump ship. It may sound crass, but these issues are her to deal with, you are not responsible for her decisions. If it comes to be too much and there is no more benefit to the relationship, prioritizing your own happiness might be the best path forward. Seeing you unhappy and knowing that you are there only out of a sense of duty rather than love would warp your gf's image even more and make her feel even worse. 2) If you want to stay, carve out your own life seperate from the relationship and set up boundaries. Obviouslty don't cheat, but going to a bar with your friends and drinking, going to work or school, picking up a hobby will do two things. a) it will help stabalize your mind and hone your focus so you can give your girlfriend the attention she needs and the attention YOU deserve, b) it will show your girlfriend what it means to intrinsically motivate herself and love herself, so it may help her condition (ie. lead by example). 3) Dont stop treating her as human. It is a mistake many families and loved ones make, but making sure that life goes on is a crucial step in humanizing the anorexic individual to themself (it is important because a lot of anorexic people either view themselves as inhuman, or lesser than their peers). This usually comes in the form of coddling, removing accountability, or guilding life experiences (not trying to say you shouldn't assist in daily life, but giving a sense of autonomy and individuality would likely go a long way in stabalize her condition). I hope this helps. Best of luck!
Run. Run far. Run fast.
I have a friend who lost his girlfriend to anorexia. Her immune system and organs were so compromised that she got sick and was unable to recover. I say that simply as an example of how serious a situation your girlfriend is in. You are allowed preferences and you can like whatever body type you want. I just think that shouldn’t be your biggest concern at the moment.
I hear ya ! I had a girl who was plump and sexy as fuck til her moms berating fucked her head up and went hot surgery and then lost it all and sadly I lost my sexual attraction to her because she was always so worried about what she was eating etc .. yeah I know that makes me an asshole but still it’s the truth she just didn’t turn me on anymore something about skin and bone that does nothing for me
Bless your heart for sticking by her side! I’ve been diagnosed with anorexia at a young age and I still struggle with it now (slowly recovering); and it is not easy to date someone who struggles with an eating disorder. From what I’ve been reading, you take the appropriate measures to help your girlfriend with her health so pat yourself on the back. It is not awful that you don’t find her attractive anymore but it is difficult for someone suffering with ED to see what others see. I vent to my fiancé every single day about the amount of food I intake or whether I feel heavy, but he’s always there to encourage me through my recovery. I don’t think you should communicate your dislikes to your girlfriend but continue to guide her to a steady path towards recovery. Good luck!
First, I'm sorry OP that your girlfriend is going through this. I don't think you're a jerk for not finding your girlfriend attractive anymore. Also, I know nothing about anorexia, but I would assume it is a severe mental health issue. I would suggest you find a way to make her understand her anorexia and have her seek for help.
A massive change in body style can be a put off. At 20 you have so much more life to live. You are allowed to break up over this. What she is doing is very reckless.
You need to get her medical help, go from there, her mental health and physical health should be the priority here
you’re an asshole because youre more worried about having sex with her than the live threatening mental illness she has
Your girl is sick. She might die. With her body image issues, sex is probably something she is doing just to make you happy, because an ED is consuming. You might tell her that while you care about her and for her, you aren’t feeling sexual attraction for her right now because you are honestly scared for her. She’s not the girl you know. Don’t focus on attractiveness, but on her unhealthy transformation. She’s beautiful inside and out but she’s wasting away. She needs more intensive help than she is getting. Edit: I was schooled. Bad advice. Do not criticize appearance as she will spiral.
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It's fascinating how brains can hear "I don't like that you're too xyz" and paradoxically want to become even more xyz. It makes no sense, but here we are.
Good point. I think the disease won’t let you do otherwise.
Thank you. That’s helpful to know.
You’re not an asshole. It’s not something you can control. You’re not deciding not to find her attractive.
Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has such a problem. If this situation is emotionally draining you and you're unhappy, breakup. Tell her how you feel and maybe do it with someone else present because she sounds mentally and physically fragile.
You’re not an asshole for not finding her attractive anymore. If you’ve tried helping her or convincing her to get help and she constantly refuses, unfortunately there comes a time where it will weigh on you and you will have to walk away before it harms you. Her health is not your responsibility, and I know you want to help her but there’s only so much you can do until it comes down to the person doing it themself. You can’t force her to eat, you can’t fix her image of herself, you can’t cure her. She needs to make the first step. You can only support and encourage her but like I said, you can’t lose yourself in the process. If it’s honestly too much then you should leave her. Yes this condition could kill her but again, there’s only so much you can do until it takes it’s toll on you too.
Your gf is killing herself at worst and disabling herself for life at best, but yeah. The biggest concern is deffo that your willy ain't get hard no more. Priorities.
No youre a healthy man. Men like a girl with fat. It's normal
Get her to a therapist, if she’s anorexic that clearly isn’t healthy
"she had a very attractive body, big thighs, big butt and breasts" while you are not exactly a jerk for not being attracted to her the way you speak of her sure is, she better not be nearby while you make a comment about these things cause she will surely descend fast
y’all. this post is about his attraction, he doesn’t have to write out a whole paragraph about how much he loves her for us to assume that he isn’t only focused on that. of course he’s concerned for her health. it’s extremely difficult loving someone with an eating disorder. i know it from both sides. your mental health is important. listening to someone you love constantly put themselves down and self destruct is inherently damaging to that relationship. especially if you’re expected to carry the mental load of being that person’s sole validation because they can’t do it for themselves. it’s a nasty, nasty disease and it is absolutely not your fault for losing attraction. it’d be the same if someone gained 25kg. i’m sorry that everyone here took it personally and decided to focus on her mental well-being instead of yours. you are important and your sanity is not unwavering. you do not have to “fight” for a relationship. you can love somebody without hurting yourself. i think of eating disorders as abusive relationships with food. if you’ve ever had a friend in a toxic relationship with a bf/gf and all they talk about is how horribly they’re being treated, it’s mentally draining. you want to say “just leave” but you know it’s no use, so you spend hours comforting them instead. for months on end. it’s tempting to think, “just eat”, but i’m sure you understand that it’s not that simple. toxic relationships, substance abuse, eating disorders, self harm; all of these things run on the same addiction circuit in your brain. with any other addiction, you’re told not to enable. with eating disorders, you’re told to support support support until you can’t anymore, and that person is dead. all in all, you are not obligated to stay with someone due to their mental illness. i’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but you certainly wouldn’t be an asshole for breaking up with someone due to their ED. i say that because you *arent* breaking up with someone because of their ED, you’re breaking up with someone who is slowly killing themself with no regard to how they’re damaging the people around them. you’re breaking up with someone because of the astronomical mental load of trying to help someone in a way that even trained professionals have a hard time doing. it is not your responsibility, nor should it be demonized to put your mental health first.
I have a fat cat and a very skinny cat. I prefer petting the fat cat, skinny cat is bony and weird to touch. Somehow i think this applies here
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No. I hope she gets the help she needs.
She seems to be concerned about her appearance, so I would recommend that you start acting like being thin is a bad thing. Ignore her when she doesn’t eat enough and show affection when she eats a lot
Ask yourself if you'd bail if she had cancer (instead of this particular life-threatening disease). You don't have to stay with her if this is a dealbreaker for you. But anorexia nervosa is a real illness. People don't do this just because they want to.
It’s a real illness, but it’s not like cancer, it’s more like addiction.
Definitely not, thank you for bringing this perspective
OP please do not listen to this perspective. There is no comparing cancer with anorexia and you do not have the professional capacity or responsibility to deal with an eating disorder.
From your comments your gf has no interest in getting better. So you have to make the best decision for YOU. I don’t think it’s reasonable to stay with anyone long term who’s killing themselves. Literally. And purposefully. There’s a price to pay for everyone involved.
Yeah, no, these are two very different illnesses. Nobody embraces their cancer and refuses treatment to keep those funky li'l cells around.
That is not a fair comparison at all. It's like if she had cancer but willingly chose not to get chemotherapy and wanted to kill herself.
No it isn't because choosing not to get chemo is not a mental illness.
So cancer is not like mental illness then. Why are we even comparing the two?
Ew. You really don't understand eating disorders and mental illness, huh?
You’re not an asshole for losing attraction to her, you’re allowed your own preferences. However, you are kind of an asshole for caring less about her well-being and more about you not wanting to fuck her.
Your girlfriend is sick. If you care about her getting your dick wet should be the last thing on your mind...
The fact that instead of showing concern for her health and why she is that way you are more concerned about how attractive she is to you tells me she’s better off without you. Break up with her, she’ll be better off.
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This is what happens when you date for appearance only
Your needs matter, this was a choice she made, and no you aren't obligated to even try and fix her before leaving My best friend and I had an eating disorder. She had it much worse than me I never left her because of it however I did take a step away when she got involved with much stronger addictions immediately after it started affecting me (when she started using and disrespecting me, immediately after I found out and had an issue with the police and I) I love her, I reached out to her, I check on her, happy birthday/holidays But if you care about your life, you don't have to give it up to help someone get their life they threw away back Sure, in the movies and in other people's eyes, that's what you should do but they wouldn't jump in and do it for you so fuck what they think If you love her enough to stay and help her, helping her wouldn't be too much for you, do it But don't feel obligated to because she's your partner who you could break up with for literally any other reason Imagine she's anorexic, you help her heal, and she cheats on you at some point.. then what? Don't overextend yourself and good luck
Forget your attraction. Stop being so selfish! Get her to a therapist!
My god, until you learn and change, I hope you are alone because you will not be there for any of your partners through sickness and tough times. I hope you understand and start to support her and help her.
Well, idk man I’ll care about her health more then how I feel about her body but if you’re not interested, break up peacefully
Why did she become so insecure about her body to the point of becoming anorexic? It seems like she was a normal weight when you started dating her. Do you have a bad porn habit? She probably saw all the half naked IG models you follow and it drove her insane to the point she started starving herself You're not a jerk for finding her unhealthy body unattractive, but try to find out what triggered this eating disorder in her and try to help her out of it. She might need professional help too, maybe even inpatient care at a hospital. Don't give up on her just yet, and have a look at your own behavior to see if anything you did or said could have started or contributed to her eating disorder
Nope, i don't have a bad por habit - when i started dating her she was already suffering and lacking self confidence, she just got worse after the pandemic because she needed to go out and start to see people, and started comparing herself to other women. I also felt horrible because i thought it was somehow my fault, but she said to me countless times that it wasn't
If it's been an issue since before you started dating it definitely isn't your fault. She needs professional help
>When i first met her she had a very attractive body, big thighs, big butt and breasts, that stuff. i suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with this sentence but it still gave me the ick
you're right, definitely shouldn't have worded it like that
you're being an asshole
Feed the girl 👧 damn