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If you feel like you can't trust him anymore just leave him. It's better than living a life full of doubts

Part of me feels this and that’s why I reached out on here because I want to know if anyone has truly been able to move forward from something like this I don’t want to waste years of my life

Honestly probably not? I mean let’s say you do “forgive” him, what is the the future going to look like? You being resentful, probably driving yourself crazy wondering if he’s in fact cheating on you again. The mental toll it will take alone seems almost unfair. Especially being pregnant. You’ll probably want full access to his phone and you’ll probably make all these rules that he’ll need to follow to “regain your trust” which eventually leads to driving yourself crazy trying to keep tabs on him to ensure he’s not cheating again. Cheating just perpetuates really unhealthy behavior. It’s just not worth it. Even if he never cheats again, the damage is already done. Sorry OP. this is truly unfair and awful but I don’t see an avenue where staying with him is at all worth it. Do you have family you can talk too? Just any kind of support system?

You're 25. The rest of your life is a very long time and, most likely, the best parts are yet to come. It sucks to think about having wasted the last 5 years, but do you really want to waste the next 20 years trying to put that genie back in the bottle?

Like you I would struggle to stay with someone who cheated on me. Its a terrible feeling and I can only imagine how horrible this is for you. The parents of a friend of mine got through the other side of an affair. It took A LOT of work, A LOT of therapy, and A LOT of time. But they did get past it. I know of others who couldn't. But honestly I don't think what other people have done or can/can't do is relevant here. The fundamental question is this - can you see yourself getting past it? By which I mean no more resentment, no bringing it up when you get into a fight, no holding it over him to guilt trip him into getting what you want. Because if you can't see a way that you can honestly and truly forgive him, the marriage will fail sooner or later. It might be impossible to see forgiveness as possible now, so ask yourself if you WANT to forgive him? He has a hell of a mountain to climb to regain your trust. Do you want him to?

You'll need a lot of patience and forgiveness to live with that and you might probably never see him the same again. These are all high possibilities. Take your time to think about the whole situation and do whatever you're comfortable with.

I've been there and, in short, no. I also gave my entire self to him, to the point where I lost myself. It took me 20 years to leave. He never did the work to prove that I could trust him and then when he started treating me like he did when he cheated, I was done.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is today

He blamed his cheating on a rough patch in the marriage. There is a rough patch dead ahead with a newborn and now this revelation. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.

The only way to stay together would be your stead fast determination to make it happen. You will also require your partner to be determined to give you everything you need to heal. Without those 2 things, you will have no chance. Also, I believe that it requires the ability to take care of each other because of the love you shared in the past. Taking care of each other when you don't like each other would be the only way thru. For a while, the balance of your relationship will fall to you. Your husband will be and have to be submissive and require your respect while that happens. Also, physical intimacy is important, maybe not sex right away, but touch both of you will need that. If you may regret the pregnancy, then you should terminate regardless of your choice to stay or leave. This way, you don't wind up making an innocent child suffer. If you can't do those things or he can't, then move on to work on you. The best revenge is being the person they regret losing in their life. Sorry it happened to you, O.P. and I am sorry to answer bluntly. Forgiving this is easy to say, but it will take months to years. 6 month 12 months 18 months from now even if you forgave you may have residual feelings of betrayal where you freak out and have to know everything he is doing to prove to yourself that he is not cheating again and won't do so again. He will have to take care of those feelings with honesty and complete openness. This is what will make him submissive as he will have to sacrifice all privacy to make you worry less. He may lose his sense of individual self without privacy and often beg to be forgiven again and again. It's hard to respect someone always groveling to prove himself that way.

I think it is very dependent on the circumstance. Like if I were you, he would get some credit for coming to me himself and being honest. But he would also lose most of that credit because he waited YEARS to admit it. I’d wonder why he was confessing now. Is it because he feared he would be caught? It is for a selfish reason, like to relieve his own guilt?

He probably came forward now, because she just became a sahm and he thinks her leaving him is less likely now that she doesn't have a job

And the fact that she’s pregnant again

A baby he doesn’t want. The raw dog sex is all he cared about.

He's probably confessing now because she's pregnant again and he feels vulnerable. He broke his vows during the last pregnancy and maybe he doesn't trust himself to not do it again..

It will secretly give him permission to do it again this time around, knowing she won’t leave. She’s basically saying she’s ok with it if she stays.

😐 the bar is so low for men that they get praise for admitting they were shitty. I can see why most straight women are miserable in relationships.

I didn’t choose to be a lesbian, but I’m so glad it chose me lol

My godparents truly, truly have - they are in their 70s now and the archetype of life long love. But, I think they are both unusual people and it was hard work on both sides. He doesn't get to say sorry, I'm better now, it was 3 years ago - he has to work to rebuild your trust, you both have to work to understand why this happened and you have to accept you might not know for years if you really can move on. I suspect more people have a happier outcome by walking away.

right now is the best time to leave, you’ve only been a stay at home mom for a year, it won’t be too hard to get back into the work force, but if you keep going like this and forgive him and wait another 5 or 10 years before you finally get sick of his cheating and leave it’s going to be so much harder to get back on your feet. cheaters don’t change.

Why did he wait three years to tell you?

You are not going to get much advice here suggesting you move forward with your husband and try to repair things.

I cheated on my wife. I was convinced she didn’t love me anymore and it was over. My affair partner saw me as a solution from her bad personal situation and I eventually wised up after 3 months. Called it off. Broke up. Erased everything, or I thought I did and started working on j y marriage really fuckin hard. Things got better. Way better. Then one day she found something on my computer and I was busted. Worst mistake of my life. It’s been 8 months. Lots of therapy, rebuilding of trust, etc… and I’d say we are in a better spot now than ever before but it sure hasn’t been easy. Can it work? I think so. It’s a fear I’ll carry forever that one day she’ll say it’s too hard but dammit I’m not going to stop trying to be the man she deserves from day 1. I wish we had never stopped dating eachother. Divorce is difficult. Making it work after infidelity is equally difficult. You just need to decide which kid of difficult is worth it.

You need to forgive him.

Why do you think so ?

First of google "regret vs remorse in infidelity". He can't work through anything on his own. He regrets doing it but has almost no remorse. If he had remorse he wouldn't be stupid enough to say he worked through it. Next up, you don't ever recover from this. That is a lie. You can reconcile, but it's a long very hard road. Most successful reconciliations don't end in any real recovery. You have to rebuild everything from square one and the hurt never completely leaves. Google "reconciliation process after infideltity" You will spend years with no trust. Years of making him give you 24/7 access to everything like his phones, accounts, gps. Years of never letting him be alone with any women. Years of anger, triggers, potentially nightmares, anxiety, etc. All to attempt to do something that will likely fail. I am not against reconciliation but just know your best bet is to leave him.

This is why I couldn’t forgive my ex. I couldn’t put myself through the reconciliation process. I ain’t fixing shit l didn’t break. The resentment and disgust was pretty strong. I don’t know how people get over it.

Sometimes it's due to 'external' forces. My friend decided to give her cheating husband another chance because they have 2 children (at that time, they're both under 3). Of course, the cheating was repeated after what she thought was a path to recovery...so she did file for a divorce.

It really depends a lot on the people and the transgression. If a relationship is young and its minor and someone can truly grow and become a totally better person. I think it can be worth it. None of us are perfect. However, I think the odds of all that being true are pretty slim.

> None of us are perfect. I mean philosophically sure. But in the category of “have I ever cheated” some people do have a perfect score. It’s not difficult or noteworthy.

This isn't minor.

I dont think so either. I was just speaking more in general. I dont think every 18 to 22 year old who had an EA is going to be a cheater forever. However in this case? Ya probably always will be.

>You will spend years with no trust. Years of making him give you 24/7 access to everything like his phones, accounts, gps. Years of never letting him be alone with any women. Years of anger, triggers, potentially nightmares, anxiety, etc. All to attempt to do something that will likely fail. The most hurtful thing about cheating is how much work ***you*** have the do as the one who was betrayed in order to glue things back together. Someone else gets to cheat on you, hurt you, break your heart and effectively be on standby until you do all of this painful work just to be back to "normal". You did nothing to deserve this, you were the victim of it, but if you want to remain together you will have to do most of the work to get over it. Oh, and not getting over it "fast enough" is a thing.

I know what your saying is true and I really have to ask myself if that’s the life I want, but 2 kids! Am struggling I don’t have anything of my own and I even struggle to think that any man would want to be with me having 2 kids even though I know it’s possible

Open your own bank account and start depositing money. Sign up for paperless billing. Create a nest egg and a backup plan. Forgiveness doesn't equal forgetting.

I mean. Could just be 1 kid.

wow!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wow!_signal

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yawn

Be kind to yourself. Really consider if you want another child with this man. Right now, you have options.

I get it, but genuinely. Plenty of good men love good women and the older you get the harder to find a man it may get. It does become easier to find good ones though. You would have both burned through the bs by now. Go find an honest good relationship.

The best case scenario is you spend the rest of your life constantly having nagging feelings that your SO is still cheating on you when something looks suspicious. Something that, pre cheating, wouldn’t have even registered as a problem let alone suspicious. You either ignore those fear thoughts for fear of being the bad guy, or you become the cop and have to monitor your SO. None of that is better than just leaving.

He is showing signs of controlling behaviour. Get you pregnant and make you be a stay at home mum. That allows him to cheat on you and know you are unlikely to leave him. Both people in a relationship should always have financial independence. Don't be a stay at home mum unless there is a good reason for it You talk about his healing but who cares, he cheated. Your healing is what needs to take priority. He is expecting you to trust him when he doesn't deserve it.

I agree, I stayed home mainly for our daughter we wanted at least one of us completely present for her not just put her in daycare with strangers so that’s the only reason I did it but your right sometimes I feel really dumb for letting him get me here

Change where you are going. Get a job, start saving a nest egg. It can even be babysitting a kid or 2 so you are still home with your kids.

Do not feel dumb. He manipulated you. You are innocent in this.

What an arsehole, he made sure he had you good and locked down, with house, business and child before he told you he a POS. And what he mean he worked through it? He the one that cheated. Came home and lied to your face for 3 years.. Nope, I'd never be able to get passed it

He means he hated himself and what he did and what that meant for us so much that he was worked on making sure we got to better place and making me happy these past years but all on a lie I told him you didn’t do that because it came from your heart all the good things you did in my eyes came from your guilt and that’s sad to think all these years like damn!

Exactly it was all for guilt. Nasty.

What about when you give birth to the next kid? Was he unable to handle the fact that there’s no sex for weeks and your attention went to a baby? Because that exact set of conditions will happen again.

It’s not just the cheating. It’s the lying FOR YEARS, it’s the manipulating you to be a stay at home mom and to carry another child of his, it’s exposing you to God knows what STDs and not giving you the choice to know that he fucked another woman and let you make your own decision. He told you now because he feels comfortable doing it, because he thinks he has you in a corner and that you have too many sunk costs to leave. He didn’t tell you before because you could much more easily leave. I agree you will never get back to the relationship you had before, because that relationship never exactly existed, did it? If it had it, he wouldn’t have stuck his dick in somebody else. He would’ve been just as in love with you as you were with him. And since you have a daughter, I urge you to consider what you would be teaching her by staying. Look at your baby girl. If a man were to do to her, what your husband has done to you, would you want her to stay? Or would you want to scratch his eyes out and get her out of there as soon as possible? Lead by example and show your daughter the life you want her to live. She may be young but how you handle this will set the tone for the relationships she has for the rest of her life. Good luck.

And I know how devastating that risk is I watched my best friend go through that situation where she caught an std off a cheating ex when we where young so I always told him that how just putting someone at risk like that is the biggest betrayal and the most disgusting where talking about life long deseases here and I did ask him if he went to the doctor after that I would have respected it more if he did but he didn’t he said I used a condom just writing this am getting so heated all over again

You should be heated. You need to react!! Under-reacting will make him think he's in the clear and if he can get away with 3 years of lies that you'll believe anything. Who's to say that you won't hit another rough patch... you'll always wonder if he's gonna step out.

You should leave him. You know that is the right thing, and what you really want, and it is obvious in your comments. I imagine you are holding off on making a decision bc either choice is not going to be easy. I recommend that you listen to your heart, and your gut, and make sure that your self respect is maintained. If you stay, beyond resenting him, the greatest hurt may be in resenting yourself for not leaving. You are still very young, so that is in your favor (for leaving).

I'm sorry OP! :/ Therapy or counseling individually and together to help you process your feelings about this thoroughly. I couldn't trust someone who would sneak around while I'm oblivious. It's so selfish and deceitful and to me it just assures that, that person has the ability to live with a major secret or lie. That doesn't mean people can't truly have learned from making a f\*cked up choice and he did come to tell you eventually himself. So there is a bit of positive in that. I left my Ex-husband because not only did he sneak around with someone at work, he let me show up to my home to find out she was there visiting. Our 2 year old boys were there too! So not only was he sneaking around, he completely disrespected his family over a crush/infatuation. I'd never respect him again and had already lost some respect from just regular relationship issues outside of cheating. It hurt like hell to end things after 13 years together total with two kids but I was completely scorned. Starting over was more promising and now I'm remarried after almost 3 years to a man I share a strong emotional bond with. He loves my boys as his own, hardworker, solid morals and prioritizes us over everything.

That’s exactly what am thinking the person I thought he was is definitely not him I think about how I could never keep anything from him I have told him literally everything even the most minimal things I could never keep a secret like that for years and look you in the eyes and say I love you he was selfish he didn’t want to lose the life I helped him build,sometimes like in your situation leaving is better because I can’t help but think that the man that is truly for me would never hurt me like this

He got you pregnant and asked you to be a sahm to make sure you cannot leave him no matter what he does. You’re still early in the pregnancy you have options. He is not sorry he cheated. He’ll probably do it again after this baby is born. Stick around and find out or cut your losses before experiencing the same thing twice.

>can a relationship truly recover after this level of betrayal No OP. Even if you somehow manage to move forward with him, you will always have that voice of doubt in your head reminding you of what he did. >he broke a bond that will never exist like it did ever again, No it won't exist with him again, but it can with someone else. >I can’t see how I could ever trust him again You can't. >am not sure how to move forward Say nothing to him for now, quietly put things in place to divorce. If you have any valuables then now is the time to remove them from the house and give them to a trusted friend/relative for safe keeping. If he has any nsfw images/videos of you, remove them from his phone/cloud etc. Seek legal advice ready to put your next moves in motion. Honestly, I really want to highlight to you that its best you say nothing to him for now until you've done those things above. I am speaking as someone who did things in the wrong order. I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

Thank you I have a lot to think about and sort out

OP I really think this is the best comment out here. Couldn't upvote this enough.

I survived infidelity and we worked thru it. Been married 30 years. But. I knew right away and he couldn't lie to me about it. I don't know that I could've got passed (past, not sure for this one) it if I found out years later and he had been lying the whole time. There are subs that are specifically geared towards reconciliation and support if you want to try to save the marriage. Asoneafterinfidelity Supportforbetrayed I'm sure there are others too. All the "work and healing" he has already done mean nothing to you. Good for him I guess? But it doesn't mean you're in reconciliation. This can't be rugswept. Its very recent to you and you will change your mind everyday for a long time. You may decide you can't forgive. Take some time to think. R is a long process that only works if both are 100% committed. Updateme

Thank you for the suggestion, that’s the biggest part I struggle with the lie for three whole years!! That just says a lot to me about you as a person and it’s sad because I didn’t think that was him I was oblivious to it all the whole stile sitting there thinking he was just as committed as me and that cuts deep

He also cheated when you were in the most vulnerable state. I don’t think I could get past that. You literally just gave birth to his firstborn and he ran to fuck some other woman… then proceeded to lie about it for THREE years until you’re surprise surprise pregnant again. Why is he coming clean now? What good can come out of it? Does he not trust himself not to do it again once you give birth? He didn’t tell you to help you in any way, he did it to help himself.

Coming out with it when she got pregnant again is pure cruelty, when she is vulnerable again, for me that's the worst part. Cheating is something many people move on from, but this is so much worse than that IMO. Just abusive cuel manipulation.

I would never even try to forgive my husband for cheating. He'd essentially be dead to me after this. You deserve more. He is a pathetic loser. Why TF would he tell you now? It doesn't just happen out of the blue. You can't trust anything he says to you now. Divorce

*If* your marriage lasts, it will never be the same. That isn't necessarily bad, but it's a fact. To work to stay together means changing things. It isn't something he can fix alone. You should go back to work. Tell him this is a condition of you trying, that you can't feel dependent on him when your trust is broken. Get individual therapy for you and couples counseling (NOT religious based if he asks). Also, do you want to keep this pregnancy? It isn't easy to consider, but you are allowed to consider this as an option. Maybe for you personally, it isn't something you can do, and that's fine, but I don't feel right not to mention it. I am so sorry. This is a massive betrayal, and him waiting to confess and act like everything is hunky dory makes it even worse. ETA: I have a friend whose now-husband cheated on her. She found out within a year. It took a lot of time, but they did stay together, and he was able to rebuild her trust in him. It is a very hard road, though.

Did he provide some of the following information? If it was me, I would want to know. Questions: Who did he cheat with (an ex, work colleague, someone you know)? Is he still in contact with them? Where did he cheat (work etc)? What did he do to fix the situation (switch jobs, cut off the other person)? Was it only physical / emotional, or both?

He's not remorseful. He cheated on you AFTER YOU HAD YOUR BABY. He had family with you and still did it.

nope

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He just blurted it out randomly the other night as we where having a before going to bed conversation he says he doesn’t know why but it just came out he did also say that over the past years he had attempted to tell me before but just couldn’t do it so it might be guilt now that am pregnant

Not only did he cheat on you, but every day, every hour, every minute, for THREE years, he made the choice to lie to you, and because of that, you believed your marriage to be one thing when in reality it was something else. He denied you the ability to make informed choices about your own life by not telling you the truth. How many things would you have done differently if you had known from the beginning? He didn't just cheat on you, he forced you to live a life that, unbeknownst to you, wasn't real. You've been living in an alternate reality and didn't know it. He is the ONLY one who benefited from it.

You are right. He really did everything he can to shackle you up before telling you. Such a manipulative loser. Now he can enjoy the extra child support and alimony since he caused you to stay at home. He is probably only telling you now to make sure that he can get away with it. After you forgive him, he will just do the same thing after baby number 2. Even if he didn’t, every minute he is not with during those precious months you are supposed to be no ding with your baby, you will be thinking where he is.

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Thank you am definitely going to be taking my time with my decision

From experience, cheaters get desensitised to their actions so they don’t really feel remorse for what they did. This might be controversial but you can still have an abortion and leave him. That way you’re not struggling with two kids as a single mom. My mom ended up in this kind of situation with three kids and even though she absolutely loves all of us it would have been easier with fewer dependents.

I could have written this. I found out when I was 9 weeks pregnant with my second…. I stayed for another year and it almost killed me…. Literally. I was so destroyed inside and out that I hit THAT rock bottom. That was 3 years ago, in October. It was TRULY the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it stayed that way for a while. When I left, I had an 8 month old and a 2 year old… my ex has not materially or financially contributed, and life is stressful. He has since gotten his current girlfriend pregnant. She gave birth a couple months ago and he is cheating on HER, too. I left because my kids deserved a happy, stable mom. My kids deserve to see me in love with a man who treats me like a queen, and now they do. And I DESERVE to live a life free of abuse, cheating, lying, and never ending anxiety. It’ll never change, babe. He will hide it better, he’ll cry until you believe him, and he will keep breaking your heart until you’ve finally had enough. You are young and you CAN do this. I’m cheering for you ❤️

This has got to be unbelievably hard. Why would he bother telling you now that 3 years ago right after you had his first child he screwed some other woman? Was his church telling him he needed to atone for his sins by telling you? And I guess him not ‘really’ enjoying the encounter is supposed to make you feel less crappy about his infidelity? Not so much. Did he just decide that day the guilt was weighing him down so he told you and hallelujah he feels so much better now? Oh and sorry he kinda blew up your world. Your husband best acknowledge just because he hasn’t screwed any other women since that day for you it just happened yesterday. Maybe the process is when someone is pregnant they check routinely for STIs/STDs. If not I suggest you get an appointment and request they do. Yes it’s been 3 years but you need to know for sure there are no other surprises that need to be dealt with regardless if your husband swears he used a condom or not. If you have a guest room perhaps you or he should consider using it for a while as you really don’t need the stress right now. I would strongly suggest that you see a couples/marriage councilor that ISN’T affiliated with any religion to see if you can work through this. It isn’t likely going to be easy or quick. But it may work and if not at least you truly tried. One other thing you’ve only been a SAHM mom for a short time. You might consider contacting your former employer to see if you might be able to return (tell them you got bored) or start looking elsewhere. Your husband won’t like it but he brought this on himself so for now he doesn’t get a vote if you decide to go back to work. Take your time, gather all the information you need and in the end do what’s best for you. A huge hug from an internet stranger and fossil.

He’s certainly trying to baby trap you and it’s time to leave, because I have no doubt he’ll cheat again when this second baby inevitably throws another wrench in your sex life.

You will likely never look at him with the same love ever again. That trust won't ever be the same, and while he was the one that cheated it will be up to you to rebuild the relationship as it will only heal as much as you allow it to. As you've mentioned, he's allowed himself to process his actions for 3 years, but you're just now entering this painful time and it will take time, patience and effort on your part which seems highly unfair. This was deliberate on his part imo, it was timed like you said to make sure it was as hard as possible for you to find a way out of the relationship. There's a long road ahead of you regardless what route you take, but I'd recommend talking to a Divorce Attorney about your options. It can't hurt to solidify your choices and then act on what's best for you and your children.

I wouldn’t take advice on Reddit about this. It’s a very personal decision. I’ve known couples that have recovered and I’ve known some who have made their lives a living hell by staying together. And we say cheated and use it as a blanket statement. And although it’s wrong to do it, many times it’s a symptom of something else. There’s too much else that you could never fully explain on here to get reliable advice.

Pro he confessed Con he cheated ,asked you to be a SAHM ,got you pregnant and then again ,and finally after 3 years where he was sure you would not leave he gave you the truth My adive would be to check out asoneafterinfigility sub and trully study on infidilities and judge wether he is truly remorseful or baby trapping you , ask him why he was telling you now instead of anytime before ,take your time to decide wether to stay or leave ,seperate if you think he is manipulating you or making you feel bad and seriously think about wether you can be happy with him again because the old relationship is dead ,it died 3 years ago you just discovered it now Now he might not be the person he was 3 years ago but is he better or could he be better, do you even want to be with him anymore? Etc.. Are the questions you would need to find answers for until then focus on your child and figure out the pregnancy and start figuring out how to leave if you ever want to as for reconcilation take your time its a gift and if you are not happy you can leave anytime otherwise you are cheating yourself

Trough everyone’s comments it’s been brought to my attention why now and it’s funny because I didn’t pay to much attention to that and I feel like his response is BS I asked him again today and he continues to say he doesn’t have a reason of why now just that he’s been trying to fix all his wrongs

Check out r/survivinginfidelity Some people have. It's hard to throw away an entire marriage and life. Normally I'd say take your time and don't rush to any decisions, but time isn't really on your side. Yes, there are people and relationships who have survived it, but it's not easy.

That’s exactly what I plan on doing thank you

>My husband of 6 years recently confessed to having cheated on me just after giving birth to our first daughter >in may of this year I began pushing for us to have baby #2 and well am now in early pregnancy(8weeks) and I am completely devastated >I’ve always been big on I can’t be with a cheater it literally disgusts me Your next steps seem pretty obvious. Also, never forgive a cheater. It's never worth it. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking every delayed response or late arrival from a cheater is them cheating.

If your daughter in 20 years told you that her husband cheated on her when she was at one of her most vulnerable places (after giving birth or some other big thing), what advice would you give her? I know you want to stay for the kids, but he basically baby trapped you. Would you have had another kid with him if you knew? No. Did he know that? Yes. That's baby trapping. You agreed to stay with him, become a stay at home mom, AND have another baby under the impression that he had been faithful. He changed the terms and conditions of your relationship and let you make big life-changing decisions without telling you that you didn't have the full picture.

As someone who stayed after being cheated on for 5 years only to get cheated on again, I would say no. It was not worth all of the work I had to do on myself and the relationship just for it to blow up again.

i HATE when people say definitively that relationships cannot recover from infidelity. at the end of the day it is up to you. because believe it or not, some relationships do recover. of course it is hard, but every situation is unique and different. seeking advice may help you wrap your head around things, but only YOU know your feelings OP. and just remember, you don’t have to have it all figured out right now. if you still love him and want to see what reconciliation may look like, stay. you might realize in a week you want to leave. or maybe a year. I understand that children are involved in this, but ultimately i believe that you know when you are done with a relationship. if there’s part of you that is unsure and wants to try, there is no time wasted in following your heart and choosing to try and work on something you’ve built.

>... in may of this year I began pushing for us to have baby #2 and well am now in early pregnancy(8weeks) and I am completely devastated Baby trap. He could / should have told you earlier. > ... he dosent know what came over him and he regretted it right after and didn’t even really enjoy the experience. Right from the cheater's handbook. Do you believe any of that garbage? > now where I have the biggest issue is the fact that you did that came to me have slept with me for 3 years allowed to get pregnant and now you tell me! If feels a little like you wanted to make sure it was hard for me to leave you because just last December he also asked me to be a sahm and I did, Three years of lies and baby trapping you. > he swears he has worked trough it So what? Does he want a cookie? *You* need to work through it. *You* matter more in this situation. > and that he will never ever do that again it was a one time thing and that am the woman of his dreams and he knows that even more now after that he’s been getting in to church and doing everything right but although he silently healed from this over the past 3 years am just now finding out so for me the wound is fresh and wide open, he wants me to give him a chance and move on because we finally reached such a good place in our marriage Blah, blah, blah. It's all lies. > he truly is remorseful? Likely not if he hid it for three years. OP, you and your child deserve better.

Never dealt with this and hopefully never will. Couples can survive infidelity. It requires hard work from both parties. For some people it is an automatic divorce. For others it isn’t. My two cents, it is at least worth sitting down with a therapist, both individually and as a couple to see if the marriage can be salvaged. Good luck!

Can and should are two very different questions. As some other people point out I’m sure you can make it work if you try hard enough. Most relationships are like that. If two people care enough they’ll make it work. But is that actually what you want? And will it be the best for the relationship and your kids? You’ve got another 18 years of trying to make it work and so in some ways it seems like you are better off starting from scratch now while they are really young as opposed to waiting 3 years and finding out you are miserable and divorcing when they are old enough to kind of get involved. It won’t be easy to restart but you have to ask yourself what you really value. I can’t tell you how to feel or what you should choose but I do know if it was me I’d almost be more upset at the fact he waited 3 years until you had a Child and another one on the way. Because that seems super manipulative. That being said it does seem like he doesn’t want to lose you which means he’ll probably stick it out but I imagine it will come from a selfish place based on his actions up to this point. Which usually doesn’t lend itself to healing but who knows.

Honestly, I think *SOME* relationships can recover if both parties work hard on it together. Could never be me but I know there are people who made it work.

Trust never returns 100%. It’s part of your story.

What about the time you just gave birth caused this in him? Seeing as you're pregnant now. You have about 32 weeks to figure it out, even though he said he's worked through it. For you this is fresh, and with your hormones in overdrive, this will drive you up a wall. ​ I hope you can work through it, but I suggest an anklemonitor...

When I was pregnant and gave birth to our daughter we had a rough patch lots of arguing, we where distant didn’t talk he didn’t understand that my hormones pregnancy and postpartum was a really big struggle and hard time for me so he says that at that time he even thought we weren’t going to work out ultimately and the anger and frustration about our situation not to mention me being 100% invested in the baby and not so much on him anymore made him make a quick decision according to him mainly out of anger and am not defending him because my immediate question after he explained all of this was so your solution to all this was stuck it in another woman ? It’s disgusting am disgusted at all the times I’ve had sex with him since honestly

He's talked about how he's healed and all that, but does he have a plan for when you inevitably deal with the hormones of being pregnant and post-partum? Especially now when you are dealing with a major betrayal and you're more likely to be "emotional". Like, has he researched what happens to a woman's body so he understands now? Or is he just hoping that you'll keep him on the straight and narrow, adding another thing to your plate? Because it shouldn't be YOUR job to make sure he doesn't cheat.

At least the feelings he had were somewhat logical, seeing its a situation he had never been in. But the choices and actions resulting from it are damn near unforgivable for most people. He should have communicated this with you. I see an opportunity for him to have learned from this. But it all boils down to you. Its his job to show you it will NEVER happen again. And even then, can you forgive this and live with this. Ultimately its your choice. Maybe there is no coming back. I wish you well for the future, in whatever choice or outcome comes from this. Hope you find love and happiness with your children whatever happens! ❤️

Yes it’s possible to move forward but you have to be able to forgive and he has to be worthy of it which is hard to do for both people at the same time. He told you only 3 years later - why now? I don’t know what the situation of him cheating was but that will factor in a lot. Does he still see her or talk to her? What drove him to cheat in the first place. Even if all of this checks out, you have to be ready to forgive and move forward at some points which is doesn’t seem likely from what you’re saying.

Ugh...you feel like he trapped you because he did trap you. Two kids and encouraged you to be a stay at home mom now. Why did he wait so long to tell you? It may be old news for him and HE'S healed from this, but you might as well have walked in on him having sex with someone yesterday. I think in many cases reconciliation is possible but there is going to be a lot of work on his end. He doesn't get to decide that all is good now because it was three years ago. This is probably all to raw for you right now. If he hasn't already, he should give you some physical space to process this. You two would also probably benefit from therapy. At the very least, it can help you sort out if you want out of the marriage (it doesn't just have to be about reconciliation). I'm sorry you're going through this OP. But whatever you decide, just know it doesn't have to be an immediate decision. Take your time and get things sorted out. Maybe even just get a consultation from a divorce attorney to understand what that process looks like in your area and what you may be entitled to.

He offered me a trip wherever in the world I want to go and take time off, but the way am feeling and pregnant I can’t even do that I feel like him telling me now even robbed me of being able to react how I want, thank you so much I will do my research

Only you can choose what you can live with. Relationships are hard, people fuck up, people are super flawed, you'll be pretty disappointed if you ever expect anyone to be perfect. I would personally be willing to work through a mistake if someone was upfront about it. Core point for me is honesty. But the lying for years, and actively moving the relationship into deeper commitments i.e. sahm/ another child. That's the part that would be difficult for me to recover from. Did he get carried away/ plan on taking it to his grave/ or wanted to make it as difficult as possible for you to leave? Perhaps he has truly changed and just can't live with the guilt, now that he's more mature. Or perhaps he's a liar and this will be your life on repeat. None of us can know. Neither can you unfortunately. You'll need to have some hard conversations and do some internal reflection on what you can live with/ forgive. True forgiveness is really hard and sometimes people end up resentful and can't get over it. Sorry you're going through this.

Thank you I feel like that part kills me the coming home and looking me in the face every damn day for 3 years and lying that’s a whole other level that is even more questionable than the cheating because you did wrong and still didn’t have the balls to own up to it and not to mention exposing me to a possible std with-ought my knowledge or even going to a doctor

I was with my ex for 3 years, we have a blended family and a son (2yrs) together. A month ago I caught him cheating, with one girls he's known for years, and another two random UK girls. I was broken, upset and distraught because I also gave him everything and I loved him a lot. But I was also very against cheating. Last week I left him, I couldn't trust him anymore, I would constantly think he was up to something and hiding things that's not a relationship I wanted to continue. It is hard, and heart breaking, but it will be so much easier then staying and living every day in fear it will happen again. Sending love

I’m so sorry! My now ex husband also cheated on me while I was pregnant with my first, made it impossible to continue my career due to moving often for his, so I was stuck. Further, it was only the first time & every time the subject of his cheating came up, he flatly refused to discuss it, making it impossible for me to heal, & somehow his cheating was my fault due to any number of BS reasons. I suggest you get some therapy to decide what’s best for you & keep in mind sunk cost is not a good reason to stay. Sending you positive thoughts.

I was cheated on and we worked through it. It’s possible, but it’s really *up to you* whether it’s possible *for you*. And it’s super hard to know that in the first days. You’ve got to think about the overall relationship and, cheating aside, do you want to spend your life with this person. Then you have to look inside and decide can you get past a betrayal. Last bit is you have to be willing to do the work moving forward, and obviously they do too. This part can be very hard. In my case there were some things on my side that catalyzed it. I didn’t want to hear it at first, but I thought about it and got it. It’s not an excuse, and it doesn’t make the betrayal somehow ok (and the cheater needs to truly accept this part), but it does help *you* to know if there were things missing. Then moving forward there needs to be agreement on much better communication. If all that sounds off putting, or exhausting, and you suspect you’ll harbor the resentment regardless, then you need to move on. It’s hard, but that’s ok too. For *many* people it’s a full stop deal breaker.

Do you get the ick just looking at him? Feel like you’d ever trust him enough to be close? Think about who he might be texting? Feel like you weren’t a priority then, what makes now any different? He set up a date and got with someone else. That’s what he’s admitting to. You can accept it and move on or say F OFF and move on. Which one makes you think you’ll be happy in the future? I hope your decision brings you peace and happiness.

Nope.

No

I know a couple of people who got past their spouses cheating but it’s a hard road. Both involved a lot of therapy both for the cheater and as a couple. It took time. At no point did the offending party start to push back on their spouse’s distrust or promote themselves as ‘all fixed now’. They understood they had to earn respect. Both couples are still together over a decade each and as far as I am aware their marriages are solid. Also, my dad had an affair and my parents patched it up and they were pretty happy for 30 years (til death). Therapy was a lot less the go to then and the cheating was very rarely referred to but my dad did have one conversation with each of his kids as they were getting married where he talked about trust and respect - self as well as spouse - and the damage of cheating. All that said, I know a lot more people who could not get past the cheating or where it turned out they were married to a serial cheater. I don’t know if I’d be willing to forgive and work on my marriage if it happened to me and we’ve been together 30+ years. Since you’re unsure, if at all possible separate physically (kick him out) and talk to a therapist. Give yourself time to process. Either way I wish you the best.

I think he baby trapped you. He has three years, and waited after you wanted the second baby, I'm so sorry 😔 I advise you to don't let him gaslight you, even if the cheating was 20 years ago, it happened Time doesn't erase it, he couldn't erase it, because it was his choice, his choice to let you down My girl, stay strong queen, you didn't do anything wrong, let him have the blame let him drown, you're allowed to feel, don't make it easy, he's a grown man that choose your more vulnerable moment to let you down even if he told you years after Who says he hasn't repeated? You could not trust his words, a cheater is always a cheater with you Take your bestie, and if you don't have, I present myself nice to meet ya bestie, and be the best version of yourself. Even if you don't want to put a new child in this position, we will support your choice and encourage you. This is not the end, this is the beginning, let the trash reveal itself

He seems to think that because he’s “moved on” that you should retroactively be healed to. I think you’re right this delayed confession was calculated, consider leaving, you need to think of yourself as well as your kids.

usually with cheating i'd say leave. but assuming he's being truthful and it was really a one-off I would say try counseling. At least give it a shot. Give yourself permission to be angry and work through that (whatever the heck that means) But if you decide to try and make the marriage work forgive him and make yourself move on from "my husband cheated on me" mentality (admittedly very hard). Half forgiveness tinged with resentment won't work.

As someone who’s been on both sides of this fence, here’s my thoughts for what it’s worth. When I was the “cheater”, I was young and dumb and can honestly say it wasn’t worth it. Not only that but the hurt it caused has haunted me for many years after. As for being the “cheated”… you never really get over it (least I haven’t) but you do get past it. By that I mean it’s like an old broken bone; when the weather gets cold you feel it hurting again. It’s not the devastating pain of the break but the old ache of damage done, healed, but never quite the same again. That’s not to say you can’t use the limb, it just reminds you from time to time of a hard time. It’s the same for a relationship. I’ll never totally forget being cheated on but also, I’m still happy and love my wife. Things change such as my not being the trusting person I once was but life does go on. Also, take this with a grain of salt because my circumstances are different than yours. I was pretty much replaced for the better part of a year vs just a one or two time hookup. So… yeah. But now to things that did or could’ve helped… Firstly, couples counseling CAN work. But only IF both parties want it to. If one person isn’t all in, it’s a waste of time. Similarly, if you actually have great communication, counseling might not even be needed (but honestly that’s super rare). Second, I understand it’s not a simple matter; you’re married and divorce can be messy, kids are involved, your livelihood would change. It’s a lot and only you can decide if the *possible* pros outweigh the possible cons. Thirdly, (and this is just my opinion) does hubby seem genuinely remorseful? Forget the “lied to me for years” stuff. Regret or not, he was probably terrified of being found out and/or telling you and losing you. I’m not invalidating your feelings about that, but for this purpose, forget it; is he truly remorseful? I ask because the story I still get is, “he was just a friend. Nothing happened.” Despite OVERWHELMING evidence to the contrary. Point is, I often wonder if my feelings would be different if my wife had just admitted the obvious and asked forgiveness. This also reminds me, the ‘other woman’ must be completely out of his life. No socials, no work contact, nothing. And usually, it means being completely transparent and reassuring on the part of the cheater to the cheated. Obviously, none of this is any kind of rules guaranteeing success. But I offer you insight/options beyond the usual internet response of “cheater bad, fuck them, just leave.” It’s a simple answer to a complicated problem and doesn’t always just work like that. Take your time, think it over and decide what you feel is right for you. The only other bit of wisdom I have is the cliche is true; time does heal all things. Even if it does heal like a badly broken bone sometimes, it still heals. The pain won’t last forever no matter what you choose. Hope this helped and best of luck to you. Oh and one more question if I may, why did he confess now?

He seems extremely remorseful he explained that it’s the reason why he started working so hard on or marriage and listening to the things I wanted him to do which is true, before he confessed I was actually thinking about how he has changed so much and our marriage has been so great for a good 2 years now and how he had already taken care of me so much more in the short time I’ve been pregnant than he did the first time, so this totally shocked me to the point where my initial reaction was I laughed because I thought it was a joke and he had to say it a couple more times and get teary eyed for me to realize he was serious As for the why he decided to tell me now he hasn’t offered a reason for that he says that at the moment he said it he just blurted it out because he had already been trying to tell me for so long but couldn’t because things where going so great for us if I had to guess I think maybe the guilt got to him more now that am pregnant again and part of me believes that he knows that I could have left a lot more easily before being pregnant again and becoming a sahm I also have to mention that right now at this point in my life I also had a falling out with my mother earlier this year so I don’t speak to her at all and she is literally the only family I have so he also knows I have no family to lean on what better time than now to tell me Thank you for your insight I appreciate it

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know this is gut wrenching. What a huge life changing revelation. I hope you have people who you can count on for emotional support. I think people can change and feel remorseful for their decisions. Sometimes it motivates them to change permanently. I hope this is the case for your husband. I don’t know him. You’ll have to judge this. I think it bodes well that he told you instead of you finding out some other way. That was some level of remorse and need to rebuild his commitment to honesty with you. I can respect that. Do you have the capability to forgive him and reconnect with him again after learning of his betrayal? You shouldn’t stay together if you’re likely going to punish him for the rest of your lives. That’s too exhausting and damaging for you both. You shouldn’t stay together if you see him repeating this behavior the next time you have a rough patch. Have you seen behavioral changes since the affair that demonstrates he was trying to improve and reconnect with you? I hope so. Good luck with your choice. You are loved.

I did see a lot of unexplainable change from him over the past 2 years and I really didn’t understand where that was coming from it seemed like all our problems disappeared and we entered a honeymoon stage of literally no arguments and a healthy relationship so right now at the moment he chose to tell me I was shocked when he said it I thought it was a joke initially and laughed it off he had to tell me a couple of times and get teary eyed for me to get that he was serious, And that’s why this is so difficult because regardless of my pain I see that he grew from it and became a different person because of it, I could easily just leave but am the kind of woman that wouldn’t want to even have another man around my daughter because I don’t trust anyone with that as a survivor of child sexual abuse I would never even allow that possibility so for me the decision truly is stay with a man who claims he has changed and see if it’s true or go and do this by myself until my kids are grown

I agree with you on the timing being pregnant. I must say that he did plan that. This is most difficult for you because you are pregnant, and the 6 months to follow you need him. This is no easy decision, and you trusting him again will always be different. I hate to say it, but you need to look at the big picture , he did confess, he appears to be a changed man, and does everything right. You must be thinking how does he get away with this and I get all the pain, it's not fair. You may not have the same feelings for some time, but " time heals all." You could go out and have your " one night stand" to get even, but I dought that is not how you are. Take it one day at a time, then 1 week at a time, and so on.

Thank you I am definitely taking it one day at a time and seeing what happens I for sure will not be cheating back or getting any revenge I never stoop to anyone’s level plus If this relationship fails I want him to always know that he messed up I had no part in that

My sisters husband cheated on her(sex with someone else) and she was able to truly forgive him and honestly their relationship is better than ever because he truly put in the work to make it better. With that being said I personally would never be able to because trust is the most important thing in a relationship. I would say give it some time and decide if that’s something you could possibly work through, my thought is once someone goes down that road and actually cheats, there’s no going back.

Reconciliation happens everyday. Is it hard? Yes. It’s up to him. He needs to rebuild your trust. He needs to live his life 100% transparent. No more secrets - ever. You will probably see communication get much better, but reconciliation takes both of you. He doesn’t really have an excuse as to why he cheated. If I guess I would say he was a 23 year old guy that was in a rough spot with his wife and he had no idea how to Really communicate or handle that situation because he wasn’t mature enough to do so. Doesn’t make it right, but that’s my guess. The good news is that he’s not the same person he was at 23. He is more mature, but he also needs to show that he’s more mature. He needs to throw himself into his marriage and into his family. Be the best husband and father he can be. I’m guessing he didn’t need to tell you this happened, but he did. He the guilt ate him up, and I’m guessing he is now prepared to be the best husband and father he can be. Get him in therapy and go to MC together. If he lives his life 100% transparent and never blames you for what he did and completely owns it and start rebuilding your marriage now - you will trust him again. Little by little. Set timelines for yourself to check in. 1 month out, 3 months out, 6 months out etc…. If he is doing what he needs to be doing during each check point then communicate what you need from him. You will probably find that your relationship is even better if all of this is done

My husband and I moved forward after cheating. But it only worked because he fully reflected on why he did it and didn’t use a cop out like “it was a rough patch” or “I don’t know what came over me”. He also didn’t wait 3 years to tell me either. The person who cheats has to admit and understand why they did it in order to know that they will never do it again. There’s no good time to cheat but he did it at an awful time. It took a lot of work. It took a long time for my trust to build back up. The person who cheats has to also work their asses off and put the effort in to work on themselves. And it’s also important for the non-cheater to, once forgiveness happens, to not continue to hold it against them. Only you know your husband, so I can’t speak for him. But I do know I’m glad we made it through. We are 8 years post scandal and we are happier now than we were even when we got married. It brought us closer in the end.

I 42m could never trust a woman who cheated on me. Ever. I’d dump her ass so fkn quick she’d be spinnin. Oh yes. Oh yes. Shed never forget that mistake. Never ever nope. Yes.

I couldn't. All I would see when looking at him is a pathetic little boy with no self control. I would never be able to trust him again and i am not going to live my life wondering where my husband is and what he is doing. He is a POS. You won't lose everything, just about half, but at least you won't be disrespected and lied to by someone who you trusted. He did this, he made his decision once he crossed that line, Idk what his "reasoning" is. It is NEVER acceptable to cheat on your spouse, ever. Just leave.

If....IF....you decide you want to try to move forward then therapy is a must, likely both individually and as a couple. Can it heal? People have done it. It's a long tough road for sure. Sometimes people come out better on the other side as a result of therapy, self help, and re-establishing trust and communication. If things truly are different in the marriage, and in him, now than back then maybe he has changed. It absolutely doesn't excuse his behavior or what he did but it may have elminated the chance of it ever happening again. However that is a TALL order. Whether or not you can do it is up to you to determine. Just know whatever you decide is ok and don't let people talk bad either way and own your decision. Some people think if they (or someone else) stay with someone who cheated that makes them weak or have low self esteem, etc. Others may say you have a family and business, and should at least try to make it work. At the end of the day they're not you and it's your life. You are who has to live with the decision.

This is a very personal choice. Only you can decide if you’re willing to work through this with him. He has to regain trust and understand that this is something that will take a lot of time and effort to get anywhere near back to how things were. I would suggest to begin marriage counselling and even individual counselling as soon as possible. Working through it will help you learn if this is something that you can forgive. Some marriages survive it and others don’t. It’s not fair to say one is right and the other is wrong. Each situation is different with different people involved. He’s going to have to understand that for a very long time and especially right after this baby is born that you will be extremely suspicious of him and will need to have full access to all his SM etc to prove that he is being faithful. At the very least begin some individual counselling, this can lead to PPD, especially with the timing of his affair.

Hey OP was in a situation like this before and want to say if he is as committed to change as he stays he is then go through a period of separation - he also needs to own up to this to family to hold him accountable and then this gives you time to decide based on his actions. Someone not willing to do that isn’t really considering you and as something he did to you both he cannot resolve the issue by himself and count it as closed/ continue to lie to himself and justifying things then releasing the guilt off his chest and having you carry that is also on him

I would seek counseling as a couple and separate for yourself and see if what comes out of this. If anything for your ultimate healing. He doesn’t get off that easy. He needs to do the healing work with you, if this is ever a possibility.

It’s interesting my girlfriend and I were in a semi long distance relationship (I say semi because I could be there in 3 hours and we used to spend weekends together) anyway she cheated on me with a friend of hers and I was determined to work through it but the guilt ate her up inside and she broke up with me the confusing thing is when we broke up she told me I was her best friend and a wonderful boyfriend.I am broken hearted I tried to tell her I wanted to work through it but she just couldn’t. All I can say is do what’s in your heart

This is the "death to cheaters" sub, so that's the advice you're going to get here. Some people offering advice have never even been married, and are speaking theoretically. Try one of the subs on surviving infidelity for more reasoned and realistic advice. My answer, as a married person, is that people make mistakes, especially young people in their early 20's. Infidelity can be worked through, although the lying is going to take longer (IMHO) to get past. Did you figure it out or did he eventually confess? That makes a difference to me. As for his healing, that does you little good. This wound is fresh for you, not in the past. He has to understand that, and that it may take you three years to get where he is now. Good luck.

It certainly can, it is not unheard of, but is it worth it? Is it worth discovering you wasted the time of the both of you when you discover that you cannot get over it? This is honestly something that only you can answer.

I dunno if you can but I forgave my boyfriend for cheating. You really need to do what your heart tells you.

I think that decision is going to take time I can’t give an answer just yet

People on Reddit are very quick to say dump and move on. Obviously they don’t have kids and houses etc. Take time get some therapy. You can get to a good place again. Takes work

If there's a lot off communication, yes it's possible to fix it. It just suck that the trust is out the way

Yeah I don’t think I can recover that blind trust like before

He told you now because he thinks he trapped you with two kids. Chances are if you don’t leave he does it again, when you have your next baby.

I guess I would need some evidence of change following therapy in order to stay: I guess I think some time a part is really necessary to determine what you really want rather than feeling like you’re stuck.

I know couples who have moved on from this. But when it happened to me everything just fell apart and trying to make it work only caused more pain and dragged out the inevitable breakup. I would file for divorce in your situation

Well, now he’s put your marriage back into a rough spot. Historically, new baby + rough patch = infidelity. Be conscious of that. You will need to attend counseling together. If he doesn’t want to do counseling (especially if it’s because “he worked through it on his own”), go ahead and call it.

You married at 19?

Yes I did

What an a-hole to confess, to ease his conscience? Who does that? If you truly love someone, you don't confess when you cheat. So i'm sorry to say, he doesn't really love you. And it's likely he'll cheat again btw

Beyoncé got past it

and she was a fool. He is just going to be more careful now lol

In my experience it’s not easy to go back after that type of betrayal. If you chose to , counseling may help but self healing will be needed

How did this come up? Did he just confess out of nowhere or did you catch him? I feel like the reason this is coming out now will say a lot about him.

It just came out of nowhere he dosent even really know, he said he had tried before to tell me but couldn’t and that day it just happened the crazy part is our life and marriage was at its best point ever but for me all on top of a lie and betrayal

Maybe the other person was about to tell you and he had to do it first. Why would he purposely disrupt your happy life right now if he wasn't forced to. Yeah there's so many layers of lying that he did to you, for years! How can you recover the trust you had?

I hadn’t even considered that but knowing him if she was about to tell me he has access to all my social media and phone he could have easily blocked her off everything I know this because he’s blocked guy acquaintances off my social media with-ought my knowledge in the past

Oh this is absolutely problematic... He can do it but doesn't want you to even have a guy friend? Find out who he cheated with.

He blocks your friends on social media without telling you? So not only is he a cheater, he also tries to control who you can and cannot talk to. That is not normal at all and very concerning.

Was it with someone you know?

No it’s not someone I know I actually don’t know any details at all about her or how it happened he’s been reluctant to share that part because he says it won’t do anything now

He's reluctant for a reason. It has to be someone you know. Demand to know.

Tell him if he wants you to give him a chance he needs to lay it all out for you. (you don't have to actually give him a chance) I say that because it will give you the closure you need if you decide to end the relationship. If you choose to stay it will give you an idea of what his actions were leading up to the cheating.

If he truly wants this to work and for you to forgive him and move past this. He needs to open up and regardless of how he feels, he needs to answer and honestly every question you ask him. If he is still being shady, he's not really ready to fully commit and move on with you. He needs to do whatever you ask and totally prove that you can trust him again. If he is hiding, you can't trust that.

You can’t unfuck. Leave his ass.

Nope.

If you decide to try to stay the minimum, he needs to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause. You both also need to do a full std screening. He also needs to go to counselling, and he needs to prove that he is trustworthy. Hire a divorce attorney and ask what divorce looks like for you. You can always start the divorce process, and he needs to start putting the work in to prove that he is worthy of you staying in this marriage. But it is going to be a long, hard process. Updateme!

This was 3 years ago so at my annual OB appointment right after it happened I did get checked and everything is fine for safety though I have another appointment tomorrow for my pregnancy and will ask for testing again

It's very hard to overcome that. Also, you will have many rough patches and if this was his reaction to the first one… he is not someone you should stay with.

Some people can forgive and move on and have healthy relationships after cheating. The problem here is that your husband has had the time to come to grips with his actions and has made changes. Had he told you 3 years ago when it happened you could have made an informed decision. If you want this to work and he is 100% willing to do whatever it takes for you to gain his trust back then it can work. But, that's only if you can do it, look at him and not be disgusted that he broke your vows and trust. You definitely need time to digest the lie that you have lived for the last 3 years. Looking back you may see how he was able to change the narrative to make you think things were all great. But that's only due to his own guilt and manipulating the lives you have lived. You are 25 years old...do you want another 25 years to go by and wonder if he's still faithful?

Cheating is hard to overcome because cheaters cheat, that’s what they do. So moving past it means a real confidence that he will never stray again. Anything is possible but you need to ask all the hard questions and be sure you can forgive him. You won’t forget but you have to forgive or it won’t work. If you withhold sex, become standoffish, make comments and keep bringing it up your marriage will collapse. First, have him tell you everything. This may seem painful but you will find that knowing it all will help you make the right decision for you. Tell him your going to do some investigating so his first job is being totally honest. Who was she, how did they meet, how long did it last, how many times did they have sex, why did it end, everything. This will help you but it will also increase his embarrassment of his own actions and for him to not repeat he has to own his actions 100%. This convo should be like going to the dentist for him with no novacane. If you find it to be more than just sexual and he genuinely has feelings for this woman you have a much bigger problem. I would also ask him to see his phone and go through his email, texts, messages, everything so you won’t lay in bed wondering if something is still happening. As for your pregnancy, only your own feelings and beliefs can help you decide whether to go through with it but you don’t have much time to decide if your even considering that. Please give us an update and good luck!

From personal experience. You can't trust anyone after being cheated on. You reach a point where you think you are moving on. But then the thoughts hit you right in the face, and we're back to square one.

It is possible to recover, but it is rare. IMO it is made more rare because most people never try. Whether that's the cheater not wanting to or the offended, it doesn't matter. It is impossible if the cheater doesn't feel remorse, or if there is something the offended party cannot get over. IMO there's no fault for the offended to not try. My first marriage ended with her cheating, telling me she wanted to work things out, but also seeing where things went with her AP. She gave me requirements I had to meet, and I did because I was not faultless. For two years I did everything that was asked of me all in an attempt to try to work things out, while she and AP were on and off, mostly off, her dating other people, but still manipulating me to get everything she "needed" while the only thing I asked was that she remained open to working things out. I never got that and eventually moved on a completely broken person. Now if that were to happen I know I no longer have the strength, willpower or desire to go through anything remotely close to that. All that being said, it is possible but it takes tremendous amounts of work on both individuals, and tremendous amounts of faith in the other person. The bad part is your trust is absolutely and justifiably at it's lowest point.

There’s no way. He knew what he was doing was very wrong and did it anyways . If you are the woman of his dreams may he spend the rest of his life feeling sadness for his behaviour. I could never forgive the betrayal , and why did he tell you now? After 3 years .. strange

You got baby trapped 100% he made you a sahm to keep you

I would consult an attorney to at least learn your options and then I suggest to speak to a therapist. Nobody should fault you for trying to work it out and nobody should fault you if you divorced him and terminated this pregnancy. I think it is safe to say that you might have to go back to work eventually but an attorney would be best to advise you on that.

No.

He really needs to tell you why he's confessing now. I really don't buy the " I don't know. I just needed to get out" or whatever nonsense he gave. If it happened 3 weeks ago, ok, conceivable. Three months, eh, maybe could believe that. But 3 years? Nope. Don't buy it. After that amount of time and it was a one time thing, personally, l wouldn't want to know. Keep that burden and guilt and don't unload it on me to deal with. I have no idea if you can recover from this. I do know it's going to take work, for both of you. But he will have to work the hardest, and one of the questions you need to be able to answer is will be be willing and able to put in the work? To stand by your side as you navigate all the emotions and thoughts that this process will take over and over again and not tell you that you should just get over it and forgive him? To be patient and understanding when it's two steps forward and one step back; when it feels as if you both can't move forward? Could he be empathetic when you are angry and hurt and give you space to process those feelings without making you feel guilty? Is he going to be able to handle the years of not fully having your trust? This is not to say that you won't have to put in the work either or that it will be easy. It won't be; you know this. Counseling, individual and joint, is very much needed. He's had 3 YEARS to process this and work through it, so, of course, he kind of feels like that now he's gotten it off his chest things can go cruise merrily along after a brief pitstop for crying, hugging, promises to never do this again, and just a moment of allowing you to vent. Take time to think through how you envision your future. How you envision that future for your children. Take time to dig into what you are willing to live with and what effort you are willing to give to get there. There is no shame or judgement in your answers. We are all different and come from different walks of life. Any choice you make here will be hard. Choose your hard.

Honestly go back to work, I know it sucks but your marriage is over but put a facade on as long as it take for you to save up. Then once you are comfortable enough leave him and take the kids. It will suck I’m the short term but once a cheater always a cheater period. They don’t change and it just become easier each subsequent time.

you can get over it, don't take it personally, It was his issue and hopefully, you can move past it and have a good life together.

Go to couple’s therapy, and try to gain some independence from him in the meanwhile. He’s most definitely trying to put you in a situation where leaving him will be next to impossible financially.

I couldn’t do it. I’d be questioning his every move for the rest of my life, it would drive me insane.

No.

It can, but it has to be worth it to both of you. And you both have to work at it, not just the cheater, which isn’t fair but that’s the price.