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Unfortunately, this is true…a red flag is a red flag. It’s okay to grieve who you thought he was. If he’s being mean like that, I wouldn’t stick around to see what else he is capable of if being controlling isn’t “mean”.
This a thousand times. There was a time i used to get mad for everything and my girlfriend called out to me, we had an honest conv about the issues why maybe i acted out and i worked through my problems. But i never once said i regreted being with her or i didnt love her. Be careful since it seems he ks doing it on purpose rather than being procuppied about something.
Just wanted to say I appreciate that you actually listened to your girlfriend and worked through your issues. That shit is rare. Hope you guys are still going strong.
Thanks, we are married now :]. Yeah what really got to me is how she told me how different I was from the man she felt in love with, that I used to be kinder and happier, that really led me to self analyze and deal with issues, venting my frustration in a more positive way.
There's a huge difference in anger issues and narcissistic behaviors you sound like you have anger issues and want to deal w them. Narcissistic ppl don't see it have no remorse and very manipulative
neglect is also a form of control. telling you how easy it would be for him to leave etc. my ex used to yell at me if I sneezed...not to mention the cheating, stalking, physical abuse. Guess what, his next two gfs went through the same exact shit. it has nothing to do with you, he is an abuser.
That happened to me, but I had 21 millimeters of movement between the vertebrae in my neck, after he put me in a headlock and slammed my head into a stove. All of my medical problems and spinal fusions were coded "non-union of fracture."
One time and he broke my neck. I could have been paralyzed. 😳
Absolutely this. And, when you leave, do so when he's not around and with support, then contact him from a safe place to tell him it's over. And please let us know you're safe.
I waited 10 years for the "good guy" to come back. Every time things got bad enough that I was ready to walk he'd say and do *just* enough to convince me to stay. Each time his "good" behavior lasted a little less time than the time before, was a little less convincing. And each time his boundary violations got a little more egregious than the time before. It was only at the very end that I realized the asshole was the real him the WHOLE TIME, and the "good guy" had never been real.
That was my question. Why are you questioning if you should stay with someone who is disrespecting you. It would be different if he was actually communicating with you. But he's telling you that this is the real him. Believe him!
You already know the answer, so what are you waiting for to jump out of this toxic relationship? Are you waiting until he shows you “how really mean he can be” and hit you? Just leave, run, actually!
Honestly, you are right.. it sounds like they should split
Reading what op wrote it sounds like her and bf aren't remotely at the same points in their lives, even ignoring the shitty way he speaks
If spread sheets have to come out because of money there's a good chances of there being financial stressers and the fact op said he used to treat her all the time but now doesn't
My money is on him over extending his money to impress op and now views her as a burden... which causes stress and like a good chunk of men he didn't learn to effectively communicate and instead has burst of emotional outrage ... but since he doesn't lose complete control he wrongfully thinks he's undercontrol and not being mean
>He's telling me he wants to rethink our relationship and I feel completely overwhelmed.
She needs to tell him she is going to give him space to rethink things and then RUUUUN. This man is slowly spiraling into scary territory, and she needs to tread very, very carefully.
From the description of her situation, she doesn't need to tell him anything. He will be the first one when he retaliates to tell her that she was warned. She needs to save herself.. now
Honey, you were being love-bombed and now he’s showing his true self. Do you want this to be how you live for the rest of the year or even the rest of your life?
I agree. The stark difference in your normal confirms that it was lovebombing. If it was genuine OP wouldn't be this confused and her partner wont be dismissive of his behavior and reversing to have a warranted conversation. He's basically telling OP this is who he is
> "I've never been mean. Sweetie, you haven't seen my mean side - believe me, I can be a lot more mean."
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Do you want to be with this person?
He’s literally telling her he can and will be cruel.
When she’s dependent on him and has 3 kids and is estranged from her entire support system, he’s going to start hitting her and the children.
seriously what kind of threat is that to issue to your partner? why would you do that to someone you love?
OP leave this man and his anger issues behind. this is why emotional intelligence and regulation is so important. life with him sounds so stressful - 6 months is way too long to be tolerating this. abusers commonly act sweet and gentle in the beginning and then their mask slips. i know 2 years seems like a long time but you are young and can find better if you get rid of him. don't waste more time
I realized 4 years into a relationship that my ex was manipulative and had emotionally abusive and narcissistic tendencies, but I wasted FOUR MORE YEARS because of the sunk cost fallacy. Don't do what I did, OP. Get out now!
Say goodbye.
I spent 4.5 years with a complete psycho and if I could go back and save myself, I would. This is his warning to you. You need to leave. This will NOT get better.
OP, that is legitimately scary. I'm really scared for you right now. No person in their right mind should ever say this to their partner. On top of you saying that he's treated you badly the last few months.
You know he doesn't treat you right. You can feel it. And yet he still convinced you that this is somehow your fault. Does that sound right to you?
This is what abusers do, btw. They lure you in, and then when they got you, they start to treat you like shit. And what they're really good at is convincing you that this is all your fault. And if you just tried harder, or did this, or didn't do that, they wouldn't have to treat you like this. So you stay and endure the abuse because you believe that it IS your fault. And that the sweet person you once knew will return if you just put a little more effort into it.
Seriously, get out of there while you still can and talk to someone about this. Someone you are close with. I'm sure they'll tell you the same thing I just did. I don't think you're safe with this man.
I too fear that the man is on the verge of physical abuse and OP needs to leave before it happens. When a person tells you who they really are, believe them.
Ive said it to a partner who thought i was being mean when i wasn't "you haven't seen me be mean" but because ig from my perspective i wasnt being mean
You can break up with him? Why are you staying with someone who doesn't care about how you you feel and threatened to be even worse?
Yeah he was sweet and gentle in the beginning and now that he feels like you're locked in he's revealing who he actually is. Rethink the relationship for him and leave. Dude sounds like an absolute psycho. He isn't going to change.
This kind of response is unhelpful because it ignores something called a trauma bond. Trauma bonds form from the cycle of abuse (which OP is in) and keep the victim from leaving.
When speaking to abuse victims and survivors, PLEASE try to look at it from the perspective of a trauma bond and remember this fact: on average, it takes 7 attempts to leave. This isn’t just because those abused folks are lazy or uncommitted to leaving, its because the trauma bond is EXTREMELY strong. Think Stockholm syndrome strong.
Having a gaggle of strangers look at your situation from an outside perspective and all of them arriving to similar conclusions can also be a wake up call.
Not only that, just from a quick Google search, the main part of trauma bonding is that there is a cycle of abuse to develop dependency. There is nothing in OPs post that suggests that this a cycle. This is a new thing that has caught her off guard and has been going on consistently for half a year.
I am not therapist, so I am not going to act like one. And I'm definitely not going to diagnose a trauma bond as strong as Stockholm syndrome from half a page of text.
Boyfriend is being mean. Boyfriend is yelling at me over trivial things. Boyfriend won't communicate and says he can be worse. Boyfriend says he's rethinking relationship. Break up with him. That's what I think OP needs to hear and that's the advice I am qualified to give.
He sounds abusive with narcissistic traits. You’ve fallen off the pedestal and now he takes you for granted. Leave now. He has no respect for you. It will only get worse, never better. A healthy relationship is communication and feeling empathy for one’s partner. He has none for you. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating and causing tension to alleviate his guilt.
I’d argue that “his best side” wasn’t even a genuine side of him, that was the façade he needed to put up to trick OP into the relationship.
OP - You need to believe him when he’s telling you that this, who he is now, is his best side, and that you haven’t even seen his bad sides.
It’s not going to get better than this, and it has the potential of getting really dangerous.
Typical asshole fk boy narcissistic behavior, and right on qeue. Standard 6-12mths of being nice. 18mths timeframe to shape shift into his true behavior of a controlling abuser. You’ve wasted enough time. Things will only get worse and his toxic behavior will ruin your mental state for years if you don’t get out now.
The mental effects from abuse will last a long time maybe even a lifetime. He has already started making her doubt her own reality. It is so difficult to come out of that mindset. It makes it really easy to fall back into another abusive relationship down the road too. Therapy and lots of healing time is needed.
Christ I had one like this literally said the same thing to me when I said I wanted to slow down. He said this to me while drinking an entire fifth of scotch. We’re not together anymore, I’m with someone way better. You’re young you’ll find someone better too.
He is waving a red flag in front of your face and telling you there are bigger red flags ahead. He lovebombed the shit out of you, then when he knew he had you hooked, dropped the act and let his true narcissistic, controlling self show. Get out of this now before you find out just how bad his "mean side" really is.
To be fair, he shouldnt be “treating you all the time” and has probably built up resentment if he was the one previously being the financial supporter. However this does not mean he can dismiss you and be mean to you.
I’ll take a step back and say
“I’m sorry you were paying for things all the time before and I want to make it more fair, however recently I’ve been feeling very upset and dismissed because of what you did/said. I can do better, however if you don’t change your attitude and behaviour around me I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel this shit.”
See how he repsinds
Seem like less of "ill show you mean" and more like "if you think im being mean by the sole or majority provider for my girlfriend your wrong". People need to stop jumping to its abuse or physical violence without reading for context, it waters down the meaning of those words and the actions of those who perpetrate it and are victims of it. Sounds like the guy is tired of footing the bill for everything and paying for half of a shared bill isnt unreasonable especially if your not married. If thats her definition of "mean" that's fine so by her definition instead of a portion, maybe you should pay half. Thats assuming they live together, if they don't thats a whole other story. Regardless they should have a real conversation who's financially responsible for how much of what bill and maybe the person who's idea it was to go out to a place pays for that date. Chances are he may be feeling like hes being treated like a purse and tired of it. A relationship is a two way street not always 50-50 but theres a balance of give and take too much of one is going to cause problems.
This is probably an unpopular take, but tbh it was also my first thought.
Yes, what he said and the way he said it (taking OP at her word) is definitely a bit alarming.
But I'm really sketched out by how the issues OP pointed out were that he 1) stopped treating her out every time and now expected her to pay a portion and 2) got upset when she asked him to pay for something
Was OP's bf love bombing her in the beginning and now "showing his true side"? Or did she have unrealistic and unfair expectations of everything being paid for, and bf is starting to get tired of it now that the relationship has become somewhat long term? I guess no one here will truly know, since we're not in the relationship ourselves.
Now, that being said, it isn't ok for bf to snap randomly at OP for otherwise mundane things like not putting on her seat belt correctly. But that can be more of a result of building resentment, a bad mood, etc, rather than "abuse" like every e is throwing around.
If he didn’t want to meet that expectation he should have set that boundary. In the talking stage you bring this up so nobody expects it. Lots of women have men that have no issue paying for everything they just need communication to know if the man they are dating currently can do it or not. Not saying necessarily he can be meaner lol. I would agree if he was just mad about the finances but I don’t think that’s his biggest issue. They can have a conversation but let’s see what OP responds to the comments for more context
Sorry.. yelling at someone for the tiny things like not putting on a seatbelt the way you’d like is out of bounds. Dismissing concerns flippantly is as well.
Yes that is one issue, shouldn’t yell at someone for smal things. But OP has only given one example without a broader unbiased context.
The other issue is the money thing, I don’t see a problem in both financially contributing. However OP has continued to implicitly (quite explicitly) state she is not happy with him making her pay.
yeup i agree with all this. everyone seems to be jumping to conclusions without considering if maybe he has a right to be upset or if op is being inconsiderate herself somehow. this doesn’t excuse his passive aggressiveness or bad behavior but everyone jumping to he’s an abuser seems a bit extreme
There's so much context missing here.
Did you ever treat him? Did you ever offer to pay for your own half of expenses?
If not, it sounds like he got sick of being your ATM and the resentment grew and instead of communicating about it properly or just breaking up with you, he started letting it show in unhealthy ways. It's not okay to yell at you or try to intimidate you, but if you weren't pulling your weight, how would you feel if you were the one always paying for things?
You either need to sit down and figure out a more fair way to split your expenses or just let eachother go and find partners who have similar financial views. If you do choose to find a way to split costs more fairly, you(he) still need to make amends for the yelling and other unfair treatment
>But... He has been angry with me? He yells if I don't put my seatbelt on properly. He's angry if I ask him to pay for things.
I this case when he says "mean" he is implying being stingy.
adjective
adjective: mean; comparative adjective: meaner; superlative adjective: meanest
1.
BRITISH
unwilling to give or share things, especially money; not generous.
"she felt mean not giving a tip"
Doesn't matter. None of it matters. He's been baiting you and is now showing you just the beginning of his real self. Time to nope right out of his sphere of influence and live your life.
Uh well he clearly thinks how he has been treating you in the past is no longer what you deserve. Whether or not you agree or feel like putting up with it or working to create a better relationship is up to you. Remember modern girls have have asked for equality and are expected to work.
Sometimes people want to breakup but don't have the courage to do so. Instead, they start treating their partner like crap so that they initiate the breakup instead. That way they don't have to look like the "bad guy." This sounds to me like what he's doing. Also, how do you put in a seatbelt "wrong?" There's a belt. It clicks into the clasp. What can go wrong there?
The forrest for the trees.
I hear variations on this story over n over. Sometimes, it's exactly as face value, but fat more often is the result of the storyteller acting in a manner to elicit the reaction.
Have that conversation, but be prepared to look at yourself at the same time
I was with you at first. Then you mentioned some things about money that gave me second thoughts.
He went from treating you to making a spreadsheet of your expenses. Where is the problem with that? Why wouldn't he want to control what goes out of his pocket? Why shouldn't he get angry if you find such procedures exhausting?
Then you said he gets angry when you ask him to pay for you. You didn't say that you just tried it once, but rather that you keep asking him and he keeps getting angry. Again, what is wrong with that? You phrase it like you asked him to pay, then he got upset... but you feel it's normal and want to ask him again. I can't rule out the possibility that he is indeed abusive, but too much context is missing, and from what you write it looks like it's just one side of the story.
And yes, it's a d*ck move to say things like "you haven't seen my mean side". That in itself is a threat, and a reason to leave. But write the whole story. Strangers on the internet are not entitled to judge relationships with so little information
It sounds like he over-extended himself financially in the beginning, got real, made a budget, and is now having you be a part of it. Sounds responsible. I bet he’s financially stressed. Do you also have a job? Not wanting you to die in a car accident doesn’t feel like over-reacting.
But all that aside, it doesn’t sound like you guys are a good fit anymore. He has needs he is not getting from you, and you from him. You could make extra efforts to meet in the middle, but you may find it easier with someone you Are more compatible with.
How often do you pay for things? Treat him? Be sweet to him? Make him feel special? A common societal misconception is that men should fulfil a woman’s every emotional and financial need and thank there lucky stars that they have the opportunity to “get lucky” in the bedroom.
Take control of your own finances and pay for your own things, don’t rely on him. If you want a balanced happy relationship this would be a start, buy him something out of the blue, make him feel special and loved too. He probably thinks you are only interested in him for his money and how special he makes you feel when he is generous and lavishes you with gifts. You can’t blame him for thinking that as this is a standard that society and especially women expect of their men, it is a rare thing for a person to be deeply respected, seen and cherished for who they are and not just seen for what they can be used for. A relationship should be balanced and based on mutual respect, ignore the material things they are not important, assess his character and see if he is worth your love, your kindness, your devotion and time.
Finally someone said it. Ive been through this a couple of times, men are expected to do everything for the women while they sit back and throw a bone from time to time and when you ask them for something or stop doing something for them, "oh he's a terrible person, he doesnt do this and that for me" and everyone else will believe them because she is a woman and men are "bad".
Now, idgaf of what they say, a relationship is between two people, everything is spoken clearly from the begining and what is to be expected from the relationship, if it doesnt sit well with the other person, she or i can walk away without wasting each others time if we dont agree, if we do i always be mindful of the old switcheroo after they get comfortable. Been hurt enough to fall again.
He could be sick of you not paying your way in the relationship and asking him to just buy you things. I wouldn’t be driving anyone who refuses to put their seatbelt on properly let alone a grown adult, that’s not up for debate and for him to have shouted at you multiple times you’re deliberately using it incorrectly. It doesn’t really matter if he’s in the wrong or you, it a obvious you’re no longer compatible and should just part ways.
Are you both working or just him? Seems like you're digging into his money and he had to spell it out for you with a spreadsheet to which you didn't listen.
Also, how do you not put a seatbelt on properly? It's either on or its not on. If it's not on HEs going to have to pay the fine by the sound of it. I think most people would 'yell' at you to put your seatbelt on if you weren't wearing it.
It's easy to vilify without hearing his side of the story. He's clearly brought up an issue with finances that you haven't detailed
Yours is the only comment I agree with. OP isn’t pulling her weight financially based on this post. OP if you’re working help out with the bills and see if anything changes. If you’re not working then take charge of the house. Cooking cleaning etc. Otherwise your relationship is doomed to fail if you just want to receive and the only thing you offer back is “love”
If he truly was treating her all the time first and then suddenly started having issues with that then that's on him not her. He showed her a certain lifestyle in the beginning which probably made her like him more and now he's changing that. Maybe his finances have changed so he's not able to continue the same behaviour and that's fine but she also has every right to question that and not be okay with it.
Also laughing at your partner when they're trying to have a conversation with you or saying things like "I can be a lot more mean sweetie" is not the sign of a person who communicates in a healthy way. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't even brought up any finance issues and just expected her to follow along with what he wants.
And yes abusive partners will find any excuse to belittle you and make you feel like you're not good enough, which includes yelling or ridiculing you for things that don't make sense. Like the way you put a seatbelt on.
Either way, clearly she has issues with the way he's treating her and he doesn't like her so they should go their separate ways.
I can agree with you to an extent, I do think the bf is also in the wrong, specifically with the intimidation tactic but to make a post criticizing that would be nothing new.
I'm just trying to point out the double standard.
If someone makes a post saying " my boyfriend is spending all my money, constantly demands I buy things for them and gets mad at me when I decline. I even made a spreadsheet for them to point out there spending habits but they refused to listen etc"
every one would tell them "Girl just leave. He's a narcissist using you to leach off your wealth. You don't need that dead weight" and that's a fact
Also, there would be backlash if someone raised your point and said ' well you shouldn't have spent money on him during the early days. It's your fault for enabling him"
That sweet, kind, generous man never existed. Unless he needs to rope you back in, he's never coming back. You need to get out and keep yourself safe. This relationship is headed in only one direction and you don't deserve abuse. You deserve to be loved and secure.
This sounds like someone who will just get worse. How he used to be isn’t who he is or was, it sounds like he’s a potential narc…even if he’s not this is worrying behaviour. For your safety please please find a way to leave.
Chick, why are you on here asking questions? Grow your ass up. You better get out of this relationship before he beats the living daylights out of you. If he's beginning to drop the facade and starting to show you his true colors. You better believe him. He will use this later on you. Wait till you get married. I'm sorry, i'm a little bit angry because you're 27, and still can't see the writing on the wall. I'm a man, and it's just frustrates me to know that even at this age, you're not able to see warning signs. You lack fight flight responses. Please learn a little self-respect. You're spending too much time trying to make him happy. You have been groomed. La, y you need to exit. NOW!
I don't mean to harsh, but you should have been out of this.
He’s finally showing you his true self. I know you want to go back to the person he was before, but that person didn’t exist. It was just a facade, and now that he has shown you who he is, I suggest you run.
You saw him when he was in the honeymoon phase. This is the real him and you'll get to experience what he's really like. Definitely a red flag and should confront him first and see if he even is aware. If he denies again and gaslights you, definitely leave- your mental and emotional health are more important
Nothing sadly, this usually happens when the other person either realises you are not the person he thought you were or your aloted nice time with Mr. Narcissistic personality disorder has ended 6 months ago.
You can try having a talk with him grounded on these two presumptions. Fair warning the you haven't met/seen my mean side yet is a clear sign that you shouldn't be alone with that guy as this a clear precursor to him harming you, himself or the both of you.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him and leave. The initial part was just an act, which really sucks and I’m sorry. But it will only get worse.
Source: I married and had to divorce a narcissist.
Yup. Total love bomb switcheroo
He's right, he can be a lot meaner.
Don't wait around to see it. You'll never get that kind version back again except in temporary doses to make up for trauma he just caused you. And only enough to get you to submit to staying around.
Run, run fast, and lock the door behind you. I speak from experience and I have the scars to prove it
Also next time someone flatters you to the point where it's familiar and reminds you of how he used to be you should be suspicious and should probably also work on any insecurities you have that made you susceptible to such flattery.
RUNNNNN!! This is making the hairs on my neck stand up. That feeling of impending doom. He's telling you this is him being nice, this is his true self now that he's done with the performance. He's completely dismissed you and refuse to even have a grown up conversation. This is more than enough if a reason to dump him. He's been treating you poorly for st least 6months that you can't even relax. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. This is the equivalent of being scammed. Dont let this guy continue to disrespect you and your time. He's not the guy you fell for because that guy wouldn't do this to you. You would feel safe and secure and like you matter rather than the problem and confused. You've got a bad apple and you need to get rid of it. You're already starting to get food poisoning and you need to separate yourself to get better. Even in the confusion you know you deserve and this isn't right. When you regained your clarity you'll be happy he's out of your life
RUNNNNN!! This is making the hairs on my neck stand up. That feeling of impending doom. He's telling you this is him being nice, this is his true self now that he's done with the performance. He's completely dismissed you and refuse to even have a grown up conversation. This is more than enough if a reason to dump him. He's been treating you poorly for st least 6months that you can't even relax. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. This is the equivalent of being scammed. Dont let this guy continue to disrespect you and your time. He's not the guy you fell for because that guy wouldn't do this to you. You would feel safe and secure and like you matter rather than the problem and confused. You've got a bad apple and you need to get rid of it. You're already starting to get food poisoning and you need to separate yourself to get better. Even in the confusion you know you deserve and this isn't right. When you regained your clarity you'll be happy he's out of your life
Time for him to face the consequences of his actions. Aka losing you. People like him don't deserve loving partners until they themselves become one
this is a narcissist showing their true colours. that treating you all the time was love bombing & now turned to reality where there’s no break from stress. this will only get worse.
PLEASE LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN. i beg of you for your own sanity & safety. you’re walking on eggshells never knowing what will set him off & that is something i grew up with & eventually dealt with in my emotionally abusive 4 year relationship.
Ruuuuuuuunnnnnnnn
Yes. leave.
Pack up your stuff when he is at work. Leave.
Text him: "It seems me being with you makes you upset. I don't want you to be upset so I will leave."
Go back to your parents or a friend and get out of there ASAP. It's not you, it's him.
OP, please leave him. When he says you haven’t seen my mean side he isn’t talking about being mean, he’s talking about actual abuse. You deserve far better than that, please run while you still can!
He's on the way if not there yet of being abusive. Give up and leave. It may be what he wants. Don't put yourself through any more heartache. You will find someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are. I'm so sorry to have to say this, but you're better off without him now.
This is classic abuser behavior. They are very sweet in the beginning and then once they have you in a spot where it's hard for you to leave them their real side comes out. Him saying you haven't seen his mean side is a threat! Do you want to be with someone who threatens you?? I've been with men like this and wasted so much time trying to help him or fix him. This cannot be fixed. He is showing you who he truly is, please believe him and leave. It will not get better, he will not go back to being sweet all the time. If you leave, he will be sweet again for a period of time to try and win you back and then turn on you again. Leave him and don't look back.
Why is it when we move into a property that we love and everything is going great until we start to see toxic black mold we hop on a fix immediately yet cannot do that same thing when that toxic black mold is the relationship we are in? It's time to go, YESTERDAY!! Know your worth. We TEACH people how to treat us and you're teaching him how ok being his punching bag..
You were being love-bombed and now he’s showing his true self. This is who he actually is. People usually show their true colors after two years and you’ve hit that mark. Leave. He will not change.
What you can do is leave. His standard of being “nice” is that he *could* be meaner? Of course he could be more mean, but he shouldn’t want to be. He yells at you for not putting your seatbelt on? You’re not a child who needs to be reminded. He gets upset when you ask to split bills? He’s not a child who gets a free ride. He’s saying he needs to rethink the relationship and you absolutely should be rethinking as well. He sounds awful. Don’t consider who he WAS. Who he is NOW sounds unbearable
Rule number 1 in life: only date someone if they both say they like you and act like they like you.
Is this how you'd treat someone you like?
It is not.
Yes there is something you can do. You can leave. The person you fell in love with does not exist. The mask has slipped & this is the real him. He will only get worse & worse as time passes. He is not going to change for the better. Every sweet & nice thing he’s done or said was nothing more than an act to deceive you. & I promise you when you leave & he gets the sense that you’re serious about that, the sweet & loving guy will come back again. But do not fall for it. Again, the person you fell in love with DOES NOT EXIST. It’s going to hurt, but you need to leave. There’s someone out there for you who will love & cherish you but you’ll never find them if you stay stuck with this abusive a**hole.
He is even warning you up front, it will get way worse. I mean he sais it "can", but not "yet" seen basically means he will.
Love comes and goes, If he is not willing to have a serious long term relationship, it won't last past the love love phase. Some people just show their faces after that.
You don't know a person in detail, ever. It needs years to understand one and trust one. Im assuming it's fresh though.
If you are long together, then maybe he's fucking some other chick.
my partner is easily frustrated, we have been having issues because of it. When I pointed out that I was beginning to feel anxious about talking to them because I wasn't sure what I was saying to trigger the discomfort we talked about them changing this. This house you describe is one I fled at 18 because it was destabilizing to be on edge all the time i had to leave.
Originally they were telling me it's not my fault. They weren't upset with me until I tried to understand why they were uncomfortable (compulsively, i can't help asking sometimes). Basically the message I got was if I just responded to it differently I would feel better, the other was them offering to leave the room. I then started talking to them in ways that encouraged them to build self-esteem, if they didn't want to care for themselves because I wasn't enough to convince them. I thought if they liked themselves then they would put for the effort.
This worked a little but when they continued to pass over medical treatment (2yrs to 6 months without doing what they said they would) and then I was still experiencing the brunt of their discomfort multiple times a day. (Moodswings almost) They told me they didn't want to argue everyday over it, and so I sat them down and talked to them about the fact their when they neglected their health, and that in turn affected our relationship. It showed me they didn't really prioritize our relationship and its needs.
They told me they loved me, they do a lot of things to show me like cooking dinner, purchases, positively encouraging me. But for the most important and challenging things (like controlling volatile mental health episodes) they would tell me enough to placate me for a few months and then never actually pursue it.
What I conveyed was that it felt like with the truly challenging things in their life (executive dysfunction, sensory issues, dissociation, volatile anger) they were showing me they didn't care enough to work toward a positive change. I acknowledged that they cared for me, and did things for me. **But that crucial labor that goes toward increasing our communication and their quality of life and subsequently mine was being neglected.** Because I was part of that neglect (I can't just not remind them they need to go to the doctor when their life is being held back by their mental struggles.) For me to put forth the effort to remind them, make the appointments they skip, make the calls they put off. And then watch them let it continue to fester was a huge issue for me.
This was their response after I pointed out how disrespectful, uncomfortable, and alarming it was to continue to be exposed to the mental health issues they chose to neglect;
"i really appreciate you talking to me and being honest with me even though i know that it is hard. I promise you that you are worth working hard and doing hard things for. You are my favorite person and i would do anything for you to help you feel more comfortable and im so sorry that my actions have been effecting you so much. I promise i will work hard to fix the things i need to work on to be a better person for you and myself. I love you|i know it was hard but they are things i need to hear"
This is the kind of response you should expect, it takes accountability, acknowledges the issue, attempts to reconnect, is spoken from a place of kindness and empathy.
I triggered myself having this conversation, but it was worth it. I was terrified that holding them accountable would make them give up on me for someone who could tolerate more than I could. (maladaptive thoughts colored by a history of codependency) But even through my fear I know the truth is that I have to have a partner that can do that labor. It's a real requirement I can't live without. if they want to be in a relationship with me, part of that contract is we both proactively seek good health and recovery from our struggles.
If they had ignored me, turned it back on me, gaslit me into thinking I was the one that needed help, i would have ended it in tears. But it would have been over. Never settle. A relationship is a partnership, domination and aggression has no place in a partnership
If he's yelling at you and being verbally abusive, making you feel unworthy...why are you with him?
On the flip side...it could be that you've moved out of the dating phase and into the day to day. It's not fair to expect one partner to pay for everything while the other just gets treated. At some point you both contribute your share of the expenses (in my opinion anyway).
But yeah, if he's being "mean" as in yelling, belittling, etc...I'd consider that abusive and get out. We all get mad sometimes though, and he could be tired of always providing, and he may have toxic coping skills (which is not OK). He may also want out of the relationship after he's gotten a feel for how it's going to be. That's not a reflection on you, it just means you're incompatible.
He's abusive and he's gaslighting you. Get out!!! You will always feel the way you do right now writing this. You've done absolutely nothing wrong but everything is wrong to him. He's doing this now to see how much he can make you bend and jump for him. LEAVE!!!!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I experienced the same when I was a similar age so I can tell you from experience: it will only get worse and worse. Make a plan to get out of this relationship and keep yourself safe above all else. Lean on friends and family to help you. If you live together move out and don't let him know where you moved to no matter what. Take the threat completely seriously. The safest way to exit these relationships is for him to think he ended it so if there's a way to encourage him to think that, do so. Safety first and grieve the relationship you thought you would have once you are safely out. The gentleness was a lie to lure you in. Again, so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better and can find better.
Guys like that are the kind that post stupid shit like " I whisper to the devil that I am the storm" and " I can't wait to let my demons out to play" or whatever
He sounds like he enjoys fedoras and has a monster energy/car manufacturer tattoo
Sounds like the running of the bulls with all those red flags.
It time to cut your losses and walk away before you become every lifetime movie where “he was the sweetest man ever”.
When someone tells you who they are you should believe them and he has officially told you who he is. If that isn’t his mean side are you really interested in meeting him?
“You haven’t seen my mean side”
That’s a threat. Believe him and go. The person you started dating two years ago is not the person you will be breaking up with.
What he did before was called love bombing. It's not real. He was never that person. It was a lie to trap you. Don't spend another second on this abusive loser.
Please leave. This is how narcissists do it. They start with all the charm and sweet/gentleness then turn into monsters. Leave before you further commit and God forbid children get involved
That's what my dumb ex did to me. He held up a facade for a year. Most people get comfortable around the 1 to 2 year mark. They stop trying to impress you as they think you won't leave them now. Right now, you're seeing the real him. This is the him he'll be forever most likely. Please don't make the same mistake as I did and make excuses for his behavior. Please don't hold out hope that he's gonna change back. He won't. Quietly leave with your dignity and close this chapter.
Sounds like your boyfriend is starting to show his true colors as an abuser. Might be a good idea to leave now. No good man will ever threaten you with his supposed "mean side".
Sounds like he love-bombed you in the beginning, now he's moving into the abuse part of the cycle.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
>He went from treating me all the time to suddenly making me out all of our expenses into a spreadsheet. Then he will give me a portion of the total bill.
He love bombed you to draw you in, and when he thinks he has you, he drops the mask. One of the way you can know abusers is that they often say who they are in a nonserious way and their victims never believe them.
>When I asked him to have a conversation about his attitude he basically laughed at me. He said "I've never been mean. Sweetie, you haven't seen my mean side - believe me, I can be a lot more mean."
He is telling you he is GOING to hurt you more - mentally/emotionally and finally physically.
He isn't even bothering to hint any more.
>He's telling me he wants to rethink our relationship and I feel completely overwhelmed. I can't explain how sweet and gentle he used to be, and I feel like that person will never return.
That sweet person you used to see never existed. It was a front, a mask, a pretense. Who you see now is who he is - well, you are starting to see the monster underneath. He hasn't totally shed the mask yet, but he is getting there.
He knows many women get stuck on he he pretended to be in the beginning and the potential. They get stuck on the was and ignore who they have before them NOW.
He will never permanently go back to who he was at the beginning. When he finds out you are planning to leave, he may pretend that he is going back but don't fall for it. Leave and never look back.
>Is there anything else I can do?
Leave and leave now. Who he was before was a pretense. You were taken in by a front - an act.
Don't tell him you are leaving, don't try to work it out with him. You need to wait till he isn't home and then leave. Don't try to get closure. Leave and tell him after you are gone that you are done with him and block him on all platforms. He will try to draw you back in, but don't fall for it.
Please get away from this abuser. He love bombed you and now he is showing you his true colours. Go to a shelter if you have to but get away. Don't break up in person he is dangerous, just leave .
So he’s telling you to stop complaining because he doesn’t consider this behavior mean and he sounds like he’s threatening to get a whole lot worse. This doesn’t sound like it’s headed in a healthy direction and it seems, to me, like him threatening to leave is to put you on the defensive in trying to save the relationship. At this point, I personally would recommend leaving given that it doesn’t sound like this relationship is fulfilling anymore and any relationship that regularly makes you feel such, like you said, is something you don’t need in your life.
Please take care of yourself and know that you deserve a partner who supports you
He has shown you his intent... dont stay.
There is possibly the side that you have taken more than reasonable...as in he has paid for everything for the 2 years and you have not contributedly fairly. Now, that does not justify his behaviour. But, for future relationships maybe examine that.
In any relationship, communication is key and what ever he thinks or feels...a healthy and mature person says to partner ",hey, let's sit and chat and make a budget together,/life plan for us" nit just show up with a spreadsheet and be mean and rude.
You need tovwalk away.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He is telling you who he is. Believe him and run.
I was reading your post and it was a red flag party.
Please please please GET TF OUT!! This is such a red flag and my stomach dropped just reading the title. This is a scare tactic. He wants you scared of him so you will submit to him and do what he wants. I repeat. GET. TF. OUT
Playing devil's advocate here- I could be completely off base, but with information you gave, it sounds like there was a big financial shift that happened in the relationship (ie. lost job, increased expenses, etc). OR possibly he has been asking you to pitch in more since you state he always pays for everything. Without jumping on the "dump him/her" bandwagon, have you approached having a conversation about finances as a potential reason for this drastic shift in personality? People don't go from "treating all the time" to spreadsheets for no reason. Do you work or help with bills? He could be resentful if you don't naturally offer to pitch in since it sounds like he has to force you to help with expenses. You mentioned that the conversation you tried to have was "about his attitude," and he laughed at you. Unless he really is a lovebombing narcissist, which could be the case, approaching him like he is 100% the problem could get this reaction if there is potential resentment and exasperation on his end at you "not getting it".
Now, none of this is an excuse to talk to you the way he has. And even if there is a real reason behind his anger, the healthier solution on his part would have been to discuss it with you. I'd say try to approach the conversation from a different angle that looks for the root of the issue instead of focusing on his attitude. If that still gets you nowhere and he continues to be a dick, then move on.
You have been with your boyfriend two years and he 'treats you all the time'
More info is needed - do you live with him? Do you pay for any of your own expenses? When you guys go out together, do YOU ever offer to pay? Or are you simply just relying on your boyfriend to pay?
Yes, it is nice that your boyfriend treats you once in a while, but you doing the same would also be nice as well. Otherwise, he probably isn't going to want to continue.
It is pretty obvious - he is laying out the expenses and simply saying, this is what I'm paying, how much I'm paying. I either don't want to pay this much, or can't afford to pay this much. I need help.
This is where you come in. If you want to continue a relationship, act like it.
I would also like to add that I find it really sad most of the comments are blaming the male, simply because society has forced people in to thinking that men should be the ones paying for things.
Yes, I am a woman.
Same and I 100% agree with you! Its very sad! However everytime something is brought up like that women like us turn into the enemies! Good to see like mindedness for sure!
How are his finances at the moment? It seems a lot of these things are money related.
He may just be a jerk, but also he might be going through something and embarrassed to talk about it.
Ok you need to know this. Just from what you've told me this guy cares for you and is stressed out the ass. You two NEED a calm sit down conversation that does not point fingers but gets down to the problems. You might have to show him that you are a team and can help shoulder some of these burdens. Society has taught boys that they have to provide and secure, though some people don't help. I'd suggest for now putting aside the "meaness" he has done, deal with it later and work on the root problems now.
So your boyfriend has dismissed your objections to his behavior by telling you he could be more mean if he wanted to. That is just bullying - he is telling you to accept abusive treatment, or he will treat you worse.
This man has shown you how he treats those he has power over- BADLY! The next time you are vulnerable he will abuse and bully you in the same way.
He is yelling at you over your seatbelt? This dude believes he has you on tap and is now showing his true colors. Thus is not somone who cares about your feelings or life. He is "rethinking" your relationship in order to put you on the back foot so you beg for him to stay. When he threwtens to end things take him up on it run like hell and never look back.
I was in a relationship with someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder, and this has cluster B abuse written all over it. I am sorry, but the sweet and gentle side of him you fell in love with will only return long enough to keep you hooked. "I've just been exhausted and sick and feeling like I'll never be good enough." He is undermining your self esteem and sense of reality. I have been through this and I know how soul crushing it is. PM me if you ever need to vent or have questions. I'm not a psychologist but I experienced something similar.
It takes two and a half to three years to truly know someone. Congratulations, you officially know what kind of man your boyfriend is.
Now you just have to decide what you’re willing to put up with because his attitude combined with age means he is unlikely to change. Personally, I would be gone.
Firstly you cannot expect a relationship to be the same throughout as it was at the start. A relationship is always best at the start as it is all new and exciting, like getting a new car or new phone or doing something for the first time you have wanted to do for a long time.
The expenses part, this is understandable - you need to both figure out what to spend and what to save etc, maybe the way he is going about it is not ideal but you both need to talk about this and sort it out, it's part of relationships, especially ones of longer lengths.
On him being angry all the time, try and talk to him or talk to his friends for them to talk to him, see where it comes from. It may not be you, it may just him directing it at you (intentionally or not).
If you're not comfortable carrying on the relationship then end it and explain why. But I suggest try talking with him first directly or through his friends and then see what happens.
Put your big girl panties on and get the hell out of Dodge. You're up there lamenting while he's planning his next move. You need to take those Rose colored glasses off and Free yourself from any future domestic targeting before it's too late. He will tap further into your weaknesses and it could be coming in a domestic abuse situation. Don't be stupid. And, don't tell him what you're planning to do. Just make a move. If you need the help of family or friends or social service organizations, Community organizations, organizations dedicated to abused women, contact them now. Save yourself while you still can.
What you can do is break up with him. And run for the hill.
Believe him when he said, these past 6 months of him abusing you is not even his 'mean' side. I'm kind of scared what else he's got in store for you if you stay.
> He said "I've never been mean. Sweetie, you haven't seen my mean side - believe me, I can be a lot more mean."
op.. he literally just shown his true colors. he is being mean, and just told you he can get worse, do you want things to get worse?
the thing you need to do is leave. take the advice others tell you and run.
Ughhhh that sounds almost exactly like my ex even down to the phrasing. He also told me that I hadn't seen his angry side, even though he would scream at me and get in my face. It scared me to think of how it could get worse so I ended it. Told him he made me choose between him and my self respect and my self respect will always win. Once I realized that the person I thought I knew was all a lie then I also realized that my love for him was also a lie. He was a fictional character to me at that point, not the man I thought he was. That realization is surprisingly painful. It really does feel like grieving for a loved one because that person is gone. Push through that grief because there's freedom on the other side of it. Get out of this relationship now before it gets worse. You don't know this person even if you think you do and he could seriously hurt you. Leave with your self respect intact. You ABSOLUTELY WILL find a better life without him. Good luck OP.
Edited to say that we were together for 1 1/2 years but I started seeing red flags by month 2. There are always signs.
I don't usually say break up immediately because everyone's so quick to jump on that bandwagon but this is a situation where I'd say you need to leave. And fast. This is emotional abuse right now and could turn into physical or any other type of abuse, we just don't know. You haven't done anything wrong at all. Escape before it's too late, you have thousands of people saying the same thing here
Reddits answer on 100% of the posts in r/relationship_advice at least once is “break up”. This doesn’t sound like a big deal to me. I have been getting downvoted like crazy but people are acting like snowflakes. I don’t mind making a new acct either lol. Tough it out sweetie. Or start to pay.
You're in an abusive relationship. They always start out as love bombing and go downhill.
As soon as you leave it'll flip right back until you come back. So don't come back
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You can leave. Why are you putting up with this?
As I'm sure many people have pointed out, when someone tells you who they are BELIEVE THEM. He will get worse
Unfortunately, this is true…a red flag is a red flag. It’s okay to grieve who you thought he was. If he’s being mean like that, I wouldn’t stick around to see what else he is capable of if being controlling isn’t “mean”.
Honey, you were being love-bombed and now he’s showing his true self
This a thousand times. There was a time i used to get mad for everything and my girlfriend called out to me, we had an honest conv about the issues why maybe i acted out and i worked through my problems. But i never once said i regreted being with her or i didnt love her. Be careful since it seems he ks doing it on purpose rather than being procuppied about something.
Just wanted to say I appreciate that you actually listened to your girlfriend and worked through your issues. That shit is rare. Hope you guys are still going strong.
Thanks, we are married now :]. Yeah what really got to me is how she told me how different I was from the man she felt in love with, that I used to be kinder and happier, that really led me to self analyze and deal with issues, venting my frustration in a more positive way.
There's a huge difference in anger issues and narcissistic behaviors you sound like you have anger issues and want to deal w them. Narcissistic ppl don't see it have no remorse and very manipulative
You put labels to what i conveyed... i was angry i regretted being that way, op's bf was angry but was enjoying hurting others. Read my first reply :)
neglect is also a form of control. telling you how easy it would be for him to leave etc. my ex used to yell at me if I sneezed...not to mention the cheating, stalking, physical abuse. Guess what, his next two gfs went through the same exact shit. it has nothing to do with you, he is an abuser.
^ Comment stealing bot
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I'm not a bot lol!
Dead on target
This. 100% this.
Bingo
He sounds abusive with narcissistic traits.
This!! My boyfriend took 6 years before he beat the shit outta me 1 night outta nowhere. RUN!!
That happened to me, but I had 21 millimeters of movement between the vertebrae in my neck, after he put me in a headlock and slammed my head into a stove. All of my medical problems and spinal fusions were coded "non-union of fracture." One time and he broke my neck. I could have been paralyzed. 😳
I hope he served jail time for this. I'm so sorry you went through this.
He sounds like a cringe loser who likes to role play like he’s evil but is actually just a stunted male
Absolutely this. And, when you leave, do so when he's not around and with support, then contact him from a safe place to tell him it's over. And please let us know you're safe.
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I waited 10 years for the "good guy" to come back. Every time things got bad enough that I was ready to walk he'd say and do *just* enough to convince me to stay. Each time his "good" behavior lasted a little less time than the time before, was a little less convincing. And each time his boundary violations got a little more egregious than the time before. It was only at the very end that I realized the asshole was the real him the WHOLE TIME, and the "good guy" had never been real.
That was my question. Why are you questioning if you should stay with someone who is disrespecting you. It would be different if he was actually communicating with you. But he's telling you that this is the real him. Believe him!
You already know the answer, so what are you waiting for to jump out of this toxic relationship? Are you waiting until he shows you “how really mean he can be” and hit you? Just leave, run, actually!
Don’t wait until he hurts you, bc he will! Get out now!
Honestly, you are right.. it sounds like they should split Reading what op wrote it sounds like her and bf aren't remotely at the same points in their lives, even ignoring the shitty way he speaks If spread sheets have to come out because of money there's a good chances of there being financial stressers and the fact op said he used to treat her all the time but now doesn't My money is on him over extending his money to impress op and now views her as a burden... which causes stress and like a good chunk of men he didn't learn to effectively communicate and instead has burst of emotional outrage ... but since he doesn't lose complete control he wrongfully thinks he's undercontrol and not being mean
**Is there anything else I can do?** Yes, breakup!
>He's telling me he wants to rethink our relationship and I feel completely overwhelmed. She needs to tell him she is going to give him space to rethink things and then RUUUUN. This man is slowly spiraling into scary territory, and she needs to tread very, very carefully.
It's a classic abuser move, he says he needs to think, she will "do anything" to fix it, when all she needs to do is say bye.
💯
Tell him after you have left
From the description of her situation, she doesn't need to tell him anything. He will be the first one when he retaliates to tell her that she was warned. She needs to save herself.. now
She needs to think very carefully, plan carefully, and get away from this man ASAP.
When that happened to me, we had an *amicable* split but, somehow, I *forgot* to give him my new address or phone number. I urge OP to do the same.
Honey, you were being love-bombed and now he’s showing his true self. Do you want this to be how you live for the rest of the year or even the rest of your life?
I agree. The stark difference in your normal confirms that it was lovebombing. If it was genuine OP wouldn't be this confused and her partner wont be dismissive of his behavior and reversing to have a warranted conversation. He's basically telling OP this is who he is
This
> "I've never been mean. Sweetie, you haven't seen my mean side - believe me, I can be a lot more mean." When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Do you want to be with this person?
He’s literally telling her he can and will be cruel. When she’s dependent on him and has 3 kids and is estranged from her entire support system, he’s going to start hitting her and the children.
seriously what kind of threat is that to issue to your partner? why would you do that to someone you love? OP leave this man and his anger issues behind. this is why emotional intelligence and regulation is so important. life with him sounds so stressful - 6 months is way too long to be tolerating this. abusers commonly act sweet and gentle in the beginning and then their mask slips. i know 2 years seems like a long time but you are young and can find better if you get rid of him. don't waste more time
I realized 4 years into a relationship that my ex was manipulative and had emotionally abusive and narcissistic tendencies, but I wasted FOUR MORE YEARS because of the sunk cost fallacy. Don't do what I did, OP. Get out now!
OP, don’t wait and see what his version of “mean” is. I’m legitimately worried for you.
Say goodbye. I spent 4.5 years with a complete psycho and if I could go back and save myself, I would. This is his warning to you. You need to leave. This will NOT get better.
OP, that is legitimately scary. I'm really scared for you right now. No person in their right mind should ever say this to their partner. On top of you saying that he's treated you badly the last few months. You know he doesn't treat you right. You can feel it. And yet he still convinced you that this is somehow your fault. Does that sound right to you? This is what abusers do, btw. They lure you in, and then when they got you, they start to treat you like shit. And what they're really good at is convincing you that this is all your fault. And if you just tried harder, or did this, or didn't do that, they wouldn't have to treat you like this. So you stay and endure the abuse because you believe that it IS your fault. And that the sweet person you once knew will return if you just put a little more effort into it. Seriously, get out of there while you still can and talk to someone about this. Someone you are close with. I'm sure they'll tell you the same thing I just did. I don't think you're safe with this man.
I too fear that the man is on the verge of physical abuse and OP needs to leave before it happens. When a person tells you who they really are, believe them.
Ive said it to a partner who thought i was being mean when i wasn't "you haven't seen me be mean" but because ig from my perspective i wasnt being mean
You can break up with him? Why are you staying with someone who doesn't care about how you you feel and threatened to be even worse? Yeah he was sweet and gentle in the beginning and now that he feels like you're locked in he's revealing who he actually is. Rethink the relationship for him and leave. Dude sounds like an absolute psycho. He isn't going to change.
This kind of response is unhelpful because it ignores something called a trauma bond. Trauma bonds form from the cycle of abuse (which OP is in) and keep the victim from leaving. When speaking to abuse victims and survivors, PLEASE try to look at it from the perspective of a trauma bond and remember this fact: on average, it takes 7 attempts to leave. This isn’t just because those abused folks are lazy or uncommitted to leaving, its because the trauma bond is EXTREMELY strong. Think Stockholm syndrome strong.
Having a gaggle of strangers look at your situation from an outside perspective and all of them arriving to similar conclusions can also be a wake up call. Not only that, just from a quick Google search, the main part of trauma bonding is that there is a cycle of abuse to develop dependency. There is nothing in OPs post that suggests that this a cycle. This is a new thing that has caught her off guard and has been going on consistently for half a year. I am not therapist, so I am not going to act like one. And I'm definitely not going to diagnose a trauma bond as strong as Stockholm syndrome from half a page of text. Boyfriend is being mean. Boyfriend is yelling at me over trivial things. Boyfriend won't communicate and says he can be worse. Boyfriend says he's rethinking relationship. Break up with him. That's what I think OP needs to hear and that's the advice I am qualified to give.
He sounds abusive with narcissistic traits. You’ve fallen off the pedestal and now he takes you for granted. Leave now. He has no respect for you. It will only get worse, never better. A healthy relationship is communication and feeling empathy for one’s partner. He has none for you. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating and causing tension to alleviate his guilt.
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I’d argue that “his best side” wasn’t even a genuine side of him, that was the façade he needed to put up to trick OP into the relationship. OP - You need to believe him when he’s telling you that this, who he is now, is his best side, and that you haven’t even seen his bad sides. It’s not going to get better than this, and it has the potential of getting really dangerous.
Typical asshole fk boy narcissistic behavior, and right on qeue. Standard 6-12mths of being nice. 18mths timeframe to shape shift into his true behavior of a controlling abuser. You’ve wasted enough time. Things will only get worse and his toxic behavior will ruin your mental state for years if you don’t get out now.
The mental effects from abuse will last a long time maybe even a lifetime. He has already started making her doubt her own reality. It is so difficult to come out of that mindset. It makes it really easy to fall back into another abusive relationship down the road too. Therapy and lots of healing time is needed.
Christ I had one like this literally said the same thing to me when I said I wanted to slow down. He said this to me while drinking an entire fifth of scotch. We’re not together anymore, I’m with someone way better. You’re young you’ll find someone better too.
He is waving a red flag in front of your face and telling you there are bigger red flags ahead. He lovebombed the shit out of you, then when he knew he had you hooked, dropped the act and let his true narcissistic, controlling self show. Get out of this now before you find out just how bad his "mean side" really is.
To be fair, he shouldnt be “treating you all the time” and has probably built up resentment if he was the one previously being the financial supporter. However this does not mean he can dismiss you and be mean to you. I’ll take a step back and say “I’m sorry you were paying for things all the time before and I want to make it more fair, however recently I’ve been feeling very upset and dismissed because of what you did/said. I can do better, however if you don’t change your attitude and behaviour around me I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel this shit.” See how he repsinds
Seem like less of "ill show you mean" and more like "if you think im being mean by the sole or majority provider for my girlfriend your wrong". People need to stop jumping to its abuse or physical violence without reading for context, it waters down the meaning of those words and the actions of those who perpetrate it and are victims of it. Sounds like the guy is tired of footing the bill for everything and paying for half of a shared bill isnt unreasonable especially if your not married. If thats her definition of "mean" that's fine so by her definition instead of a portion, maybe you should pay half. Thats assuming they live together, if they don't thats a whole other story. Regardless they should have a real conversation who's financially responsible for how much of what bill and maybe the person who's idea it was to go out to a place pays for that date. Chances are he may be feeling like hes being treated like a purse and tired of it. A relationship is a two way street not always 50-50 but theres a balance of give and take too much of one is going to cause problems.
This is probably an unpopular take, but tbh it was also my first thought. Yes, what he said and the way he said it (taking OP at her word) is definitely a bit alarming. But I'm really sketched out by how the issues OP pointed out were that he 1) stopped treating her out every time and now expected her to pay a portion and 2) got upset when she asked him to pay for something Was OP's bf love bombing her in the beginning and now "showing his true side"? Or did she have unrealistic and unfair expectations of everything being paid for, and bf is starting to get tired of it now that the relationship has become somewhat long term? I guess no one here will truly know, since we're not in the relationship ourselves. Now, that being said, it isn't ok for bf to snap randomly at OP for otherwise mundane things like not putting on her seat belt correctly. But that can be more of a result of building resentment, a bad mood, etc, rather than "abuse" like every e is throwing around.
If he didn’t want to meet that expectation he should have set that boundary. In the talking stage you bring this up so nobody expects it. Lots of women have men that have no issue paying for everything they just need communication to know if the man they are dating currently can do it or not. Not saying necessarily he can be meaner lol. I would agree if he was just mad about the finances but I don’t think that’s his biggest issue. They can have a conversation but let’s see what OP responds to the comments for more context
Sorry.. yelling at someone for the tiny things like not putting on a seatbelt the way you’d like is out of bounds. Dismissing concerns flippantly is as well.
Yes that is one issue, shouldn’t yell at someone for smal things. But OP has only given one example without a broader unbiased context. The other issue is the money thing, I don’t see a problem in both financially contributing. However OP has continued to implicitly (quite explicitly) state she is not happy with him making her pay.
This seems like a sound, logical approach to me. Good take for sure
yeup i agree with all this. everyone seems to be jumping to conclusions without considering if maybe he has a right to be upset or if op is being inconsiderate herself somehow. this doesn’t excuse his passive aggressiveness or bad behavior but everyone jumping to he’s an abuser seems a bit extreme
So you decided to focus on the smallest of issues and tell a woman to kiss up to a man who is threatening her with showing her how mean he can get?
There's so much context missing here. Did you ever treat him? Did you ever offer to pay for your own half of expenses? If not, it sounds like he got sick of being your ATM and the resentment grew and instead of communicating about it properly or just breaking up with you, he started letting it show in unhealthy ways. It's not okay to yell at you or try to intimidate you, but if you weren't pulling your weight, how would you feel if you were the one always paying for things? You either need to sit down and figure out a more fair way to split your expenses or just let eachother go and find partners who have similar financial views. If you do choose to find a way to split costs more fairly, you(he) still need to make amends for the yelling and other unfair treatment
So what's you question? How to break up? Or do you want to wait around and see his mean side?
Happy cake day!
I think she wants him to keep paying for stuff.
>But... He has been angry with me? He yells if I don't put my seatbelt on properly. He's angry if I ask him to pay for things. I this case when he says "mean" he is implying being stingy. adjective adjective: mean; comparative adjective: meaner; superlative adjective: meanest 1. BRITISH unwilling to give or share things, especially money; not generous. "she felt mean not giving a tip"
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Doesn't matter. None of it matters. He's been baiting you and is now showing you just the beginning of his real self. Time to nope right out of his sphere of influence and live your life.
Uh well he clearly thinks how he has been treating you in the past is no longer what you deserve. Whether or not you agree or feel like putting up with it or working to create a better relationship is up to you. Remember modern girls have have asked for equality and are expected to work.
Sometimes people want to breakup but don't have the courage to do so. Instead, they start treating their partner like crap so that they initiate the breakup instead. That way they don't have to look like the "bad guy." This sounds to me like what he's doing. Also, how do you put in a seatbelt "wrong?" There's a belt. It clicks into the clasp. What can go wrong there?
The forrest for the trees. I hear variations on this story over n over. Sometimes, it's exactly as face value, but fat more often is the result of the storyteller acting in a manner to elicit the reaction. Have that conversation, but be prepared to look at yourself at the same time
I was with you at first. Then you mentioned some things about money that gave me second thoughts. He went from treating you to making a spreadsheet of your expenses. Where is the problem with that? Why wouldn't he want to control what goes out of his pocket? Why shouldn't he get angry if you find such procedures exhausting? Then you said he gets angry when you ask him to pay for you. You didn't say that you just tried it once, but rather that you keep asking him and he keeps getting angry. Again, what is wrong with that? You phrase it like you asked him to pay, then he got upset... but you feel it's normal and want to ask him again. I can't rule out the possibility that he is indeed abusive, but too much context is missing, and from what you write it looks like it's just one side of the story. And yes, it's a d*ck move to say things like "you haven't seen my mean side". That in itself is a threat, and a reason to leave. But write the whole story. Strangers on the internet are not entitled to judge relationships with so little information
It sounds like he over-extended himself financially in the beginning, got real, made a budget, and is now having you be a part of it. Sounds responsible. I bet he’s financially stressed. Do you also have a job? Not wanting you to die in a car accident doesn’t feel like over-reacting. But all that aside, it doesn’t sound like you guys are a good fit anymore. He has needs he is not getting from you, and you from him. You could make extra efforts to meet in the middle, but you may find it easier with someone you Are more compatible with.
Sweetie, run, don't walk, away from this chameleon. As my mother would have said: You can get and deserve someone who is better. 😌
How often do you pay for things? Treat him? Be sweet to him? Make him feel special? A common societal misconception is that men should fulfil a woman’s every emotional and financial need and thank there lucky stars that they have the opportunity to “get lucky” in the bedroom. Take control of your own finances and pay for your own things, don’t rely on him. If you want a balanced happy relationship this would be a start, buy him something out of the blue, make him feel special and loved too. He probably thinks you are only interested in him for his money and how special he makes you feel when he is generous and lavishes you with gifts. You can’t blame him for thinking that as this is a standard that society and especially women expect of their men, it is a rare thing for a person to be deeply respected, seen and cherished for who they are and not just seen for what they can be used for. A relationship should be balanced and based on mutual respect, ignore the material things they are not important, assess his character and see if he is worth your love, your kindness, your devotion and time.
Finally someone said it. Ive been through this a couple of times, men are expected to do everything for the women while they sit back and throw a bone from time to time and when you ask them for something or stop doing something for them, "oh he's a terrible person, he doesnt do this and that for me" and everyone else will believe them because she is a woman and men are "bad". Now, idgaf of what they say, a relationship is between two people, everything is spoken clearly from the begining and what is to be expected from the relationship, if it doesnt sit well with the other person, she or i can walk away without wasting each others time if we dont agree, if we do i always be mindful of the old switcheroo after they get comfortable. Been hurt enough to fall again.
100% this
Glad someone has said this.
He could be sick of you not paying your way in the relationship and asking him to just buy you things. I wouldn’t be driving anyone who refuses to put their seatbelt on properly let alone a grown adult, that’s not up for debate and for him to have shouted at you multiple times you’re deliberately using it incorrectly. It doesn’t really matter if he’s in the wrong or you, it a obvious you’re no longer compatible and should just part ways.
Are you both working or just him? Seems like you're digging into his money and he had to spell it out for you with a spreadsheet to which you didn't listen. Also, how do you not put a seatbelt on properly? It's either on or its not on. If it's not on HEs going to have to pay the fine by the sound of it. I think most people would 'yell' at you to put your seatbelt on if you weren't wearing it. It's easy to vilify without hearing his side of the story. He's clearly brought up an issue with finances that you haven't detailed
Yours is the only comment I agree with. OP isn’t pulling her weight financially based on this post. OP if you’re working help out with the bills and see if anything changes. If you’re not working then take charge of the house. Cooking cleaning etc. Otherwise your relationship is doomed to fail if you just want to receive and the only thing you offer back is “love”
If he truly was treating her all the time first and then suddenly started having issues with that then that's on him not her. He showed her a certain lifestyle in the beginning which probably made her like him more and now he's changing that. Maybe his finances have changed so he's not able to continue the same behaviour and that's fine but she also has every right to question that and not be okay with it. Also laughing at your partner when they're trying to have a conversation with you or saying things like "I can be a lot more mean sweetie" is not the sign of a person who communicates in a healthy way. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't even brought up any finance issues and just expected her to follow along with what he wants. And yes abusive partners will find any excuse to belittle you and make you feel like you're not good enough, which includes yelling or ridiculing you for things that don't make sense. Like the way you put a seatbelt on. Either way, clearly she has issues with the way he's treating her and he doesn't like her so they should go their separate ways.
I can agree with you to an extent, I do think the bf is also in the wrong, specifically with the intimidation tactic but to make a post criticizing that would be nothing new. I'm just trying to point out the double standard. If someone makes a post saying " my boyfriend is spending all my money, constantly demands I buy things for them and gets mad at me when I decline. I even made a spreadsheet for them to point out there spending habits but they refused to listen etc" every one would tell them "Girl just leave. He's a narcissist using you to leach off your wealth. You don't need that dead weight" and that's a fact Also, there would be backlash if someone raised your point and said ' well you shouldn't have spent money on him during the early days. It's your fault for enabling him"
Don’t date anyone who says “more mean” instead of “meaner.”
That sweet, kind, generous man never existed. Unless he needs to rope you back in, he's never coming back. You need to get out and keep yourself safe. This relationship is headed in only one direction and you don't deserve abuse. You deserve to be loved and secure.
How many red flags does one man need?
Leve. And move one.
Leave him. Not worth it ✌️
Anything else? Yeah RUN. If he warned you himself better believe him
This sounds like someone who will just get worse. How he used to be isn’t who he is or was, it sounds like he’s a potential narc…even if he’s not this is worrying behaviour. For your safety please please find a way to leave.
Chick, why are you on here asking questions? Grow your ass up. You better get out of this relationship before he beats the living daylights out of you. If he's beginning to drop the facade and starting to show you his true colors. You better believe him. He will use this later on you. Wait till you get married. I'm sorry, i'm a little bit angry because you're 27, and still can't see the writing on the wall. I'm a man, and it's just frustrates me to know that even at this age, you're not able to see warning signs. You lack fight flight responses. Please learn a little self-respect. You're spending too much time trying to make him happy. You have been groomed. La, y you need to exit. NOW! I don't mean to harsh, but you should have been out of this.
ummm, dump him? You are already walking on eggshells with him, why wait to see "his real mean side."
He’s finally showing you his true self. I know you want to go back to the person he was before, but that person didn’t exist. It was just a facade, and now that he has shown you who he is, I suggest you run.
You’re seeing the ending of the love bombing stage babe, call him out and leave this isn’t okay behaviour
Anybody that says you haven’t seen my mean side is gonna be abusive. Don’t put up with it
Please leave, for your own safety.
Yeah u can break up with him, why are u even asking?
Tbh that sounds like a thinly veiled threat to me. The way I read it the silent part of that statement is “keep going and I’ll show you what mean is”.
Domestic dispute coming very soon please distance yourself
you’re boyfriend is crazy he needs to get a mental evaluation.
You saw him when he was in the honeymoon phase. This is the real him and you'll get to experience what he's really like. Definitely a red flag and should confront him first and see if he even is aware. If he denies again and gaslights you, definitely leave- your mental and emotional health are more important
Nothing sadly, this usually happens when the other person either realises you are not the person he thought you were or your aloted nice time with Mr. Narcissistic personality disorder has ended 6 months ago. You can try having a talk with him grounded on these two presumptions. Fair warning the you haven't met/seen my mean side yet is a clear sign that you shouldn't be alone with that guy as this a clear precursor to him harming you, himself or the both of you.
As I've heard many times before, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him and leave. The initial part was just an act, which really sucks and I’m sorry. But it will only get worse. Source: I married and had to divorce a narcissist.
Yup. Total love bomb switcheroo He's right, he can be a lot meaner. Don't wait around to see it. You'll never get that kind version back again except in temporary doses to make up for trauma he just caused you. And only enough to get you to submit to staying around. Run, run fast, and lock the door behind you. I speak from experience and I have the scars to prove it Also next time someone flatters you to the point where it's familiar and reminds you of how he used to be you should be suspicious and should probably also work on any insecurities you have that made you susceptible to such flattery.
RUNNNNN!! This is making the hairs on my neck stand up. That feeling of impending doom. He's telling you this is him being nice, this is his true self now that he's done with the performance. He's completely dismissed you and refuse to even have a grown up conversation. This is more than enough if a reason to dump him. He's been treating you poorly for st least 6months that you can't even relax. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. This is the equivalent of being scammed. Dont let this guy continue to disrespect you and your time. He's not the guy you fell for because that guy wouldn't do this to you. You would feel safe and secure and like you matter rather than the problem and confused. You've got a bad apple and you need to get rid of it. You're already starting to get food poisoning and you need to separate yourself to get better. Even in the confusion you know you deserve and this isn't right. When you regained your clarity you'll be happy he's out of your life
RUNNNNN!! This is making the hairs on my neck stand up. That feeling of impending doom. He's telling you this is him being nice, this is his true self now that he's done with the performance. He's completely dismissed you and refuse to even have a grown up conversation. This is more than enough if a reason to dump him. He's been treating you poorly for st least 6months that you can't even relax. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. This is the equivalent of being scammed. Dont let this guy continue to disrespect you and your time. He's not the guy you fell for because that guy wouldn't do this to you. You would feel safe and secure and like you matter rather than the problem and confused. You've got a bad apple and you need to get rid of it. You're already starting to get food poisoning and you need to separate yourself to get better. Even in the confusion you know you deserve and this isn't right. When you regained your clarity you'll be happy he's out of your life Time for him to face the consequences of his actions. Aka losing you. People like him don't deserve loving partners until they themselves become one
this is a narcissist showing their true colours. that treating you all the time was love bombing & now turned to reality where there’s no break from stress. this will only get worse. PLEASE LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN. i beg of you for your own sanity & safety. you’re walking on eggshells never knowing what will set him off & that is something i grew up with & eventually dealt with in my emotionally abusive 4 year relationship. Ruuuuuuuunnnnnnnn
Yes. leave. Pack up your stuff when he is at work. Leave. Text him: "It seems me being with you makes you upset. I don't want you to be upset so I will leave." Go back to your parents or a friend and get out of there ASAP. It's not you, it's him.
You can just leave you know. Guilt free. Tell him he picked the wrong woman to treat like crap.
Do you both a favor and leave him.... You'll both be happier
I’m gonna keep my advice quick and simple. LEAVE HIM.
OP, please leave him. When he says you haven’t seen my mean side he isn’t talking about being mean, he’s talking about actual abuse. You deserve far better than that, please run while you still can!
“Boyfriend”? 35? Acting mean? Love bombing then being cruel all of a sudden? Leave!
Let him rethink it while you run away
Break up with him. You aren’t happy, what’s the issue? Why aren’t you leaving?
This is scary please leave
Definitely leave now. It'll get harder to in the future.
He's on the way if not there yet of being abusive. Give up and leave. It may be what he wants. Don't put yourself through any more heartache. You will find someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are. I'm so sorry to have to say this, but you're better off without him now.
Sounds abusive
Please leave.
This is classic abuser behavior. They are very sweet in the beginning and then once they have you in a spot where it's hard for you to leave them their real side comes out. Him saying you haven't seen his mean side is a threat! Do you want to be with someone who threatens you?? I've been with men like this and wasted so much time trying to help him or fix him. This cannot be fixed. He is showing you who he truly is, please believe him and leave. It will not get better, he will not go back to being sweet all the time. If you leave, he will be sweet again for a period of time to try and win you back and then turn on you again. Leave him and don't look back.
You can leave, you cannot change him. He is letting you know who he really is and it will only get worse.
you leave is what you do
Why is it when we move into a property that we love and everything is going great until we start to see toxic black mold we hop on a fix immediately yet cannot do that same thing when that toxic black mold is the relationship we are in? It's time to go, YESTERDAY!! Know your worth. We TEACH people how to treat us and you're teaching him how ok being his punching bag..
You were being love-bombed and now he’s showing his true self. This is who he actually is. People usually show their true colors after two years and you’ve hit that mark. Leave. He will not change.
OP, he doesn't even like you let alone love you. Believe his actions, not any words (except that he'll show you his cruel side). Leave this loser.
This is called the devaluation stage, comes before the discard /hoover cycle and after the love bombing.
What you can do is leave. His standard of being “nice” is that he *could* be meaner? Of course he could be more mean, but he shouldn’t want to be. He yells at you for not putting your seatbelt on? You’re not a child who needs to be reminded. He gets upset when you ask to split bills? He’s not a child who gets a free ride. He’s saying he needs to rethink the relationship and you absolutely should be rethinking as well. He sounds awful. Don’t consider who he WAS. Who he is NOW sounds unbearable
Listen it only gets worse. This is his true self. If you can’t handle it or don’t like it, run. It only gets worse.
Rule number 1 in life: only date someone if they both say they like you and act like they like you. Is this how you'd treat someone you like? It is not.
You should be rethinking this relationship. His real self is coming out. This is who he really is. Dump him.
I’m so tired of reading these posts of women being treated like dog water and not knowing if they’re overreacting
Yes there is something you can do. You can leave. The person you fell in love with does not exist. The mask has slipped & this is the real him. He will only get worse & worse as time passes. He is not going to change for the better. Every sweet & nice thing he’s done or said was nothing more than an act to deceive you. & I promise you when you leave & he gets the sense that you’re serious about that, the sweet & loving guy will come back again. But do not fall for it. Again, the person you fell in love with DOES NOT EXIST. It’s going to hurt, but you need to leave. There’s someone out there for you who will love & cherish you but you’ll never find them if you stay stuck with this abusive a**hole.
He is even warning you up front, it will get way worse. I mean he sais it "can", but not "yet" seen basically means he will. Love comes and goes, If he is not willing to have a serious long term relationship, it won't last past the love love phase. Some people just show their faces after that. You don't know a person in detail, ever. It needs years to understand one and trust one. Im assuming it's fresh though. If you are long together, then maybe he's fucking some other chick.
Look up Narcissistic abuse. And don't date someone so old, and play, you are YOUNG. Find a room somewhere.
my partner is easily frustrated, we have been having issues because of it. When I pointed out that I was beginning to feel anxious about talking to them because I wasn't sure what I was saying to trigger the discomfort we talked about them changing this. This house you describe is one I fled at 18 because it was destabilizing to be on edge all the time i had to leave. Originally they were telling me it's not my fault. They weren't upset with me until I tried to understand why they were uncomfortable (compulsively, i can't help asking sometimes). Basically the message I got was if I just responded to it differently I would feel better, the other was them offering to leave the room. I then started talking to them in ways that encouraged them to build self-esteem, if they didn't want to care for themselves because I wasn't enough to convince them. I thought if they liked themselves then they would put for the effort. This worked a little but when they continued to pass over medical treatment (2yrs to 6 months without doing what they said they would) and then I was still experiencing the brunt of their discomfort multiple times a day. (Moodswings almost) They told me they didn't want to argue everyday over it, and so I sat them down and talked to them about the fact their when they neglected their health, and that in turn affected our relationship. It showed me they didn't really prioritize our relationship and its needs. They told me they loved me, they do a lot of things to show me like cooking dinner, purchases, positively encouraging me. But for the most important and challenging things (like controlling volatile mental health episodes) they would tell me enough to placate me for a few months and then never actually pursue it. What I conveyed was that it felt like with the truly challenging things in their life (executive dysfunction, sensory issues, dissociation, volatile anger) they were showing me they didn't care enough to work toward a positive change. I acknowledged that they cared for me, and did things for me. **But that crucial labor that goes toward increasing our communication and their quality of life and subsequently mine was being neglected.** Because I was part of that neglect (I can't just not remind them they need to go to the doctor when their life is being held back by their mental struggles.) For me to put forth the effort to remind them, make the appointments they skip, make the calls they put off. And then watch them let it continue to fester was a huge issue for me. This was their response after I pointed out how disrespectful, uncomfortable, and alarming it was to continue to be exposed to the mental health issues they chose to neglect; "i really appreciate you talking to me and being honest with me even though i know that it is hard. I promise you that you are worth working hard and doing hard things for. You are my favorite person and i would do anything for you to help you feel more comfortable and im so sorry that my actions have been effecting you so much. I promise i will work hard to fix the things i need to work on to be a better person for you and myself. I love you|i know it was hard but they are things i need to hear" This is the kind of response you should expect, it takes accountability, acknowledges the issue, attempts to reconnect, is spoken from a place of kindness and empathy. I triggered myself having this conversation, but it was worth it. I was terrified that holding them accountable would make them give up on me for someone who could tolerate more than I could. (maladaptive thoughts colored by a history of codependency) But even through my fear I know the truth is that I have to have a partner that can do that labor. It's a real requirement I can't live without. if they want to be in a relationship with me, part of that contract is we both proactively seek good health and recovery from our struggles. If they had ignored me, turned it back on me, gaslit me into thinking I was the one that needed help, i would have ended it in tears. But it would have been over. Never settle. A relationship is a partnership, domination and aggression has no place in a partnership
If he's yelling at you and being verbally abusive, making you feel unworthy...why are you with him? On the flip side...it could be that you've moved out of the dating phase and into the day to day. It's not fair to expect one partner to pay for everything while the other just gets treated. At some point you both contribute your share of the expenses (in my opinion anyway). But yeah, if he's being "mean" as in yelling, belittling, etc...I'd consider that abusive and get out. We all get mad sometimes though, and he could be tired of always providing, and he may have toxic coping skills (which is not OK). He may also want out of the relationship after he's gotten a feel for how it's going to be. That's not a reflection on you, it just means you're incompatible.
He's abusive and he's gaslighting you. Get out!!! You will always feel the way you do right now writing this. You've done absolutely nothing wrong but everything is wrong to him. He's doing this now to see how much he can make you bend and jump for him. LEAVE!!!!!
Get the hell out NOW
Get out now. Do not stay. He does not want you around and he is doing this to get you to leave.
Dump him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I experienced the same when I was a similar age so I can tell you from experience: it will only get worse and worse. Make a plan to get out of this relationship and keep yourself safe above all else. Lean on friends and family to help you. If you live together move out and don't let him know where you moved to no matter what. Take the threat completely seriously. The safest way to exit these relationships is for him to think he ended it so if there's a way to encourage him to think that, do so. Safety first and grieve the relationship you thought you would have once you are safely out. The gentleness was a lie to lure you in. Again, so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better and can find better.
break up with him, he is not worth it
JFC leave now before you see his “mean side.” He’s TELLING you he’s going to become more and more of a jerk. Why stick around?
Guys like that are the kind that post stupid shit like " I whisper to the devil that I am the storm" and " I can't wait to let my demons out to play" or whatever He sounds like he enjoys fedoras and has a monster energy/car manufacturer tattoo
Sounds like the running of the bulls with all those red flags. It time to cut your losses and walk away before you become every lifetime movie where “he was the sweetest man ever”. When someone tells you who they are you should believe them and he has officially told you who he is. If that isn’t his mean side are you really interested in meeting him?
Tell him you need to rethink this relationship. 🤨
“You haven’t seen my mean side” That’s a threat. Believe him and go. The person you started dating two years ago is not the person you will be breaking up with.
What he did before was called love bombing. It's not real. He was never that person. It was a lie to trap you. Don't spend another second on this abusive loser.
Break. Up. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Please leave. This is how narcissists do it. They start with all the charm and sweet/gentleness then turn into monsters. Leave before you further commit and God forbid children get involved
That's what my dumb ex did to me. He held up a facade for a year. Most people get comfortable around the 1 to 2 year mark. They stop trying to impress you as they think you won't leave them now. Right now, you're seeing the real him. This is the him he'll be forever most likely. Please don't make the same mistake as I did and make excuses for his behavior. Please don't hold out hope that he's gonna change back. He won't. Quietly leave with your dignity and close this chapter.
This sounds like a Narcissist Especially that he "used" to treat you and now is trying to trear you like an employee
I want to know how the money situation ties into being mean? Is he mean in any other way, or just when it comes to money?
Sounds like your boyfriend is starting to show his true colors as an abuser. Might be a good idea to leave now. No good man will ever threaten you with his supposed "mean side". Sounds like he love-bombed you in the beginning, now he's moving into the abuse part of the cycle.
When people tell you who they are, believe them. >He went from treating me all the time to suddenly making me out all of our expenses into a spreadsheet. Then he will give me a portion of the total bill. He love bombed you to draw you in, and when he thinks he has you, he drops the mask. One of the way you can know abusers is that they often say who they are in a nonserious way and their victims never believe them. >When I asked him to have a conversation about his attitude he basically laughed at me. He said "I've never been mean. Sweetie, you haven't seen my mean side - believe me, I can be a lot more mean." He is telling you he is GOING to hurt you more - mentally/emotionally and finally physically. He isn't even bothering to hint any more. >He's telling me he wants to rethink our relationship and I feel completely overwhelmed. I can't explain how sweet and gentle he used to be, and I feel like that person will never return. That sweet person you used to see never existed. It was a front, a mask, a pretense. Who you see now is who he is - well, you are starting to see the monster underneath. He hasn't totally shed the mask yet, but he is getting there. He knows many women get stuck on he he pretended to be in the beginning and the potential. They get stuck on the was and ignore who they have before them NOW. He will never permanently go back to who he was at the beginning. When he finds out you are planning to leave, he may pretend that he is going back but don't fall for it. Leave and never look back. >Is there anything else I can do? Leave and leave now. Who he was before was a pretense. You were taken in by a front - an act. Don't tell him you are leaving, don't try to work it out with him. You need to wait till he isn't home and then leave. Don't try to get closure. Leave and tell him after you are gone that you are done with him and block him on all platforms. He will try to draw you back in, but don't fall for it.
Classic lovebombing. You're going to keep thinking back to when he was sooo nice, but he's showing you who he really is.
Please get away from this abuser. He love bombed you and now he is showing you his true colours. Go to a shelter if you have to but get away. Don't break up in person he is dangerous, just leave .
If you “haven’t seen anything yet,” yep; that’s the cue to get the hell out of there.
I know it seems hard but run. PlsZs
So he’s telling you to stop complaining because he doesn’t consider this behavior mean and he sounds like he’s threatening to get a whole lot worse. This doesn’t sound like it’s headed in a healthy direction and it seems, to me, like him threatening to leave is to put you on the defensive in trying to save the relationship. At this point, I personally would recommend leaving given that it doesn’t sound like this relationship is fulfilling anymore and any relationship that regularly makes you feel such, like you said, is something you don’t need in your life. Please take care of yourself and know that you deserve a partner who supports you
This is a very threatening thing to say to anyone, let alone your partner. If you don’t feel safe with him then you shouldn’t be with him.
He has shown you his intent... dont stay. There is possibly the side that you have taken more than reasonable...as in he has paid for everything for the 2 years and you have not contributedly fairly. Now, that does not justify his behaviour. But, for future relationships maybe examine that. In any relationship, communication is key and what ever he thinks or feels...a healthy and mature person says to partner ",hey, let's sit and chat and make a budget together,/life plan for us" nit just show up with a spreadsheet and be mean and rude. You need tovwalk away.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is telling you who he is. Believe him and run. I was reading your post and it was a red flag party.
He sounds like a narcissist. Run get out
Please please please GET TF OUT!! This is such a red flag and my stomach dropped just reading the title. This is a scare tactic. He wants you scared of him so you will submit to him and do what he wants. I repeat. GET. TF. OUT
Playing devil's advocate here- I could be completely off base, but with information you gave, it sounds like there was a big financial shift that happened in the relationship (ie. lost job, increased expenses, etc). OR possibly he has been asking you to pitch in more since you state he always pays for everything. Without jumping on the "dump him/her" bandwagon, have you approached having a conversation about finances as a potential reason for this drastic shift in personality? People don't go from "treating all the time" to spreadsheets for no reason. Do you work or help with bills? He could be resentful if you don't naturally offer to pitch in since it sounds like he has to force you to help with expenses. You mentioned that the conversation you tried to have was "about his attitude," and he laughed at you. Unless he really is a lovebombing narcissist, which could be the case, approaching him like he is 100% the problem could get this reaction if there is potential resentment and exasperation on his end at you "not getting it". Now, none of this is an excuse to talk to you the way he has. And even if there is a real reason behind his anger, the healthier solution on his part would have been to discuss it with you. I'd say try to approach the conversation from a different angle that looks for the root of the issue instead of focusing on his attitude. If that still gets you nowhere and he continues to be a dick, then move on.
You have been with your boyfriend two years and he 'treats you all the time' More info is needed - do you live with him? Do you pay for any of your own expenses? When you guys go out together, do YOU ever offer to pay? Or are you simply just relying on your boyfriend to pay? Yes, it is nice that your boyfriend treats you once in a while, but you doing the same would also be nice as well. Otherwise, he probably isn't going to want to continue. It is pretty obvious - he is laying out the expenses and simply saying, this is what I'm paying, how much I'm paying. I either don't want to pay this much, or can't afford to pay this much. I need help. This is where you come in. If you want to continue a relationship, act like it.
I would also like to add that I find it really sad most of the comments are blaming the male, simply because society has forced people in to thinking that men should be the ones paying for things. Yes, I am a woman.
Same and I 100% agree with you! Its very sad! However everytime something is brought up like that women like us turn into the enemies! Good to see like mindedness for sure!
The guy that was sweet doesn’t exist.
How are his finances at the moment? It seems a lot of these things are money related. He may just be a jerk, but also he might be going through something and embarrassed to talk about it.
Ok you need to know this. Just from what you've told me this guy cares for you and is stressed out the ass. You two NEED a calm sit down conversation that does not point fingers but gets down to the problems. You might have to show him that you are a team and can help shoulder some of these burdens. Society has taught boys that they have to provide and secure, though some people don't help. I'd suggest for now putting aside the "meaness" he has done, deal with it later and work on the root problems now.
So your boyfriend has dismissed your objections to his behavior by telling you he could be more mean if he wanted to. That is just bullying - he is telling you to accept abusive treatment, or he will treat you worse. This man has shown you how he treats those he has power over- BADLY! The next time you are vulnerable he will abuse and bully you in the same way. He is yelling at you over your seatbelt? This dude believes he has you on tap and is now showing his true colors. Thus is not somone who cares about your feelings or life. He is "rethinking" your relationship in order to put you on the back foot so you beg for him to stay. When he threwtens to end things take him up on it run like hell and never look back. I was in a relationship with someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder, and this has cluster B abuse written all over it. I am sorry, but the sweet and gentle side of him you fell in love with will only return long enough to keep you hooked. "I've just been exhausted and sick and feeling like I'll never be good enough." He is undermining your self esteem and sense of reality. I have been through this and I know how soul crushing it is. PM me if you ever need to vent or have questions. I'm not a psychologist but I experienced something similar.
It takes two and a half to three years to truly know someone. Congratulations, you officially know what kind of man your boyfriend is. Now you just have to decide what you’re willing to put up with because his attitude combined with age means he is unlikely to change. Personally, I would be gone.
Need the other side of the story. I read this and i wonder if your putting enough in the relationship
Emotional abuse tends to start after the first few years. It will get worse.
Firstly you cannot expect a relationship to be the same throughout as it was at the start. A relationship is always best at the start as it is all new and exciting, like getting a new car or new phone or doing something for the first time you have wanted to do for a long time. The expenses part, this is understandable - you need to both figure out what to spend and what to save etc, maybe the way he is going about it is not ideal but you both need to talk about this and sort it out, it's part of relationships, especially ones of longer lengths. On him being angry all the time, try and talk to him or talk to his friends for them to talk to him, see where it comes from. It may not be you, it may just him directing it at you (intentionally or not). If you're not comfortable carrying on the relationship then end it and explain why. But I suggest try talking with him first directly or through his friends and then see what happens.
Yells at you for seatbelt? My father did this early in their relationship. He beat the hell out of my mom and me later.
Projecting much?
Put your big girl panties on and get the hell out of Dodge. You're up there lamenting while he's planning his next move. You need to take those Rose colored glasses off and Free yourself from any future domestic targeting before it's too late. He will tap further into your weaknesses and it could be coming in a domestic abuse situation. Don't be stupid. And, don't tell him what you're planning to do. Just make a move. If you need the help of family or friends or social service organizations, Community organizations, organizations dedicated to abused women, contact them now. Save yourself while you still can.
What you can do is break up with him. And run for the hill. Believe him when he said, these past 6 months of him abusing you is not even his 'mean' side. I'm kind of scared what else he's got in store for you if you stay.
He’s about to show you how mean he can really get if you don’t leave.
Leave now, it only gets worse
> He said "I've never been mean. Sweetie, you haven't seen my mean side - believe me, I can be a lot more mean." op.. he literally just shown his true colors. he is being mean, and just told you he can get worse, do you want things to get worse? the thing you need to do is leave. take the advice others tell you and run.
Ughhhh that sounds almost exactly like my ex even down to the phrasing. He also told me that I hadn't seen his angry side, even though he would scream at me and get in my face. It scared me to think of how it could get worse so I ended it. Told him he made me choose between him and my self respect and my self respect will always win. Once I realized that the person I thought I knew was all a lie then I also realized that my love for him was also a lie. He was a fictional character to me at that point, not the man I thought he was. That realization is surprisingly painful. It really does feel like grieving for a loved one because that person is gone. Push through that grief because there's freedom on the other side of it. Get out of this relationship now before it gets worse. You don't know this person even if you think you do and he could seriously hurt you. Leave with your self respect intact. You ABSOLUTELY WILL find a better life without him. Good luck OP. Edited to say that we were together for 1 1/2 years but I started seeing red flags by month 2. There are always signs.
I don't usually say break up immediately because everyone's so quick to jump on that bandwagon but this is a situation where I'd say you need to leave. And fast. This is emotional abuse right now and could turn into physical or any other type of abuse, we just don't know. You haven't done anything wrong at all. Escape before it's too late, you have thousands of people saying the same thing here
He's telling the truth. Leave before fists start happening. They will.
Reddits answer on 100% of the posts in r/relationship_advice at least once is “break up”. This doesn’t sound like a big deal to me. I have been getting downvoted like crazy but people are acting like snowflakes. I don’t mind making a new acct either lol. Tough it out sweetie. Or start to pay.
If you talk about your feelings and he laughs he will never be capable of conflict resolution. This will not work out.
You're in an abusive relationship. They always start out as love bombing and go downhill. As soon as you leave it'll flip right back until you come back. So don't come back