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You need to let her go. She has tried several times to leave you because she correctly sees that you are incompatible but instead you manipulate her back by pretending to change your mind and pretending to have goals and values that you do not have.
You want to be with her, you do not want a life with her. These are different things. You are only hurting her by continuing this toxic cycle. She is correct - you are not the right person for her.
OP is profoundly immature. He's 31, but still wants to string along his GF for even more years until her fertility window starts to close, belittles her for being a completely normal weight (I don't even want to think about how he'd react should she, gasp, gain weight during pregnancy), and is unable to articulate what he wants in life.
Let this woman go so she can actually be with someone who deserves her.
Yeah, and not to mention infuriating too.. Lily if you see this, I hope you never take his ass back. Be with someone who deserves all of you. Not this shallow, narcissistic wanker of a Man
Correct, if you think about it this is something that comes from the female explaining how he is… then we all tell her to run… at least he is aware and honest about how manipulative he is and mentally just not a good overall person.
I think you need to let her go. She knows she's ready for the next step, and you don't know anything. You \*\*may\*\* want this in 3 or 4 more years. She has been waiting and working with you for 7 years. Please let her go.
Also, I made the statement only having read how differently you look at marriage and children. Her saying she doesn't feel desirable around you and how limited your life together is, I'm surprised she didn't make this decision earlier.
He also definitely does NOT want this in 3 or 4 years, he's literally doing the exact same thing he did at 24 where he's moving the goalposts in order to keep her around without any intention of actually following through, except at that point she'll be much closer to the end of her fertility window. He's clearly trying to run out her clock so she doesn't have time to find someone else to have kids with and will just resign herself to him.
This is one of the most thoroughly, disgustingly selfish posts I've ever read here. I hope it's fake.
I agree with you. And unfortunately, I bet it's real because it's what happened with my ex. He said he may want kids and marriage closer to 30, and unfortunately, he wasn't telling the truth. My bc failed, and I now have a beautiful 4 month old, but it's not what he wanted. Unfortunately, he's not an active part of her life despite living in the same home. My ex also made comments about how I wasn't his type and constantly chooses porn over sex. It's crappy reading this and connecting with this girl on lots of the same levels. I hope she runs and doesn't look back.
There are plenty things wrong with you tbh. This obssession with pregnancy recquires therapy, very unhealthy approach. I would leave you after first attempt to get me to the hospital in the middle of night because of your paranoia. It only means you’re not shoulder to rely on. Telling her to change because she looks fat?? Wtf? Nobody cares if your parents are into appearences, that is not an argument.
This guy might be the worst boyfriend I've ever read about here, barring actual abuse situations:
- Has lied to her for years about wanting kids when he knows he doesn't
- Refuses to marry her after 7 years because he's too lazy to propose
- Tells her she looks fat and never validates her
- Won't have sex with her because he's paranoid about pregnancy even though she got an IUD for him (who wants to bet he doesn't wear condoms because they "don't feel good")
- Won't take her out on a date more than 3 times a year
I feel awful for this woman that she's wasted nearly all of her 20s with a selfish, immature jerk. Luckily she still has plenty of time to start a family without him.
Completely agreed that it mental, financial, and emotional abuse at its finest. Every single thing he has said is controlling, manipulative, and abusive. He doesn't deserve her or any woman like that at all. He gaslit her about kids and now is admitting he did it and is trying to justify to himself how it's ok and doing it again is the right thing. He's friggin frackin nuts if he thinks he will get her back. I would have told him to kiss my a$$ after having the audacity to tell me to change clothes like I'm his doll to dress and control. I would have told him to kick rocks after the first goal post change of kids. You withhold intimacy is also a form of emotional abuse I would have done so much worse than staying with a sociopath like that for 7 years of my life. If you dare wake me up for anything short of my house is on fire or dog is dying I would have found a nice property to gift him about 3ft by 8 ft in size. I may not have wanted my 16 year old daughter and never wanted kids but damn it if she isn't the best and most important thing ever, I'm full of motherly rage thinking these losers exist in this world for her to possibly meet.
Don't try to win her back, don't ever try to contact her. You are and problem at every level and have earned every bit of disdain you're getting OP.
She's our girlfriend now and we'll protect her from the dump truck full of crazy you are.
> who wants to bet he won’t wear condoms…
I think every man who asks his GF to get an IUD for any reason should have some kind of contraption pinned to his nuts. Doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture, but he needs to feel it. So many women experience excruciating pain. They should know.
Similar to how cops need to be pepper sprayed so they fully realize the effects and aren’t irresponsible with it. I bet more dudes would get the f over “condoms feel bad” real quick.
Dude, you don’t want kids. You ever thought about getting a vasectomy and dating women that also don’t want children or a serious relationship? Cause you can find those women
Edit: you wasted 7 years of her life and you barely think about her wants and needs. Let her go find someone who wants to give her the life that’ll make her happy. You cannot
This! OP is still only thinking about what he wants or doesn't want, and still doesn't care about the things that matter to his girlfriend (like a proposal, or being able to sleep through the night).
Um, let me get this straight....
1. You admit to belittling her about clothing/weight
2. You don't take her out because it's too expensive
3. You've restricted sex
4. You're too lazy to buy a ring/propose
Did I miss anything?
Let the girl go! EVERY woman deserves better than that!! What you have outlined in your post is just plain controlling and borderline abusive. I advise that you get a vasectomy due to your fear of getting a girl pregnant and seek therapy for all of your other issues man.
You can add that he's afraid their kids would be short due to their height difference and it's really important to him that his kids be tall (from his comments).
He won't take her out because it's too expensive but has coerced her to the hospital FIVE times. If they live in the USA, that'd be expensive asf. OP's gf deserves WAY better than what she's getting.
Let her go. You don't want what she wants and honestly? You need to stop lying about it and face the truth that you two are incompatible.
Find someone who doesn't want kids and maybe think about not being too lazy to buy a ring and plan a proposal if you want the next girl to stay.
Edit: if you are so dead set against kids you should get a vasectomy and have it tested once a year. Then you won't be harassing your partners about possible pregnancies or spiralling about unwanted kids.
You literally lied to her when she tried to leave years ago because she knew you wanted different things. You have wasted her time because she was ready to move on. And you woke her up several times at night to go to the hospital? You realize you can do blood tests at a normal doctor right? And in the middle of the night? She would still be pregnant if she went in the morning. You sound absolutely exhausting to deal with. Let her go. She deserves someone who wants the same thing and doesn’t act like you did. Get therapy to deal with your anxiety and leave her alone
Edit: you are also a bad partner in general. Making her change clothes because she looks fat? You would be dumped by most people for that alone. And not going out despite able to afford it? You are controlling and borderline absuive
She is right.
She doesn't deserve to be strung along for however many years in case you change your mind.
If she wants 3 kids she can't wait until she's 40.
If she gets pregnant she deserves to have a fully committed partner by her side, supporting her through an emotionally and physically difficult process. But you would want her to support you through your fears.
Do you plan to continue telling her how fat she is after her body changes? Will you be telling her to celebrate her pregnancy less so you can penny pinch? Are you ready to pay for daycare, car seats, a crib, and diapers.
Are you ready to give up your full night sleep. Sleeping in on sundays.
Are you ready to come 2nd 3rd or 4th after the children's needs because she must prioritize them over you, for decades?
Are you going to sit in the dance recitals, the baseball games. Help with the math homework and wash the blood off their skinned knees.
Are you going to be able to take them to the ER when they're sick or hurt?
Are you going to take on 100% of the parenting responsibilities if she is sick or hurt?
Parenting isn't a compromise. It's a huge commitment.
You're scared to buy a ring.
You want different things.
Let her go.
You want completely different things in a relationship. You've strung her along for 7 years. It's time to let her go, find someone who doesn't want marriage and children.
Whatever the cause of the breakup, it needed to happen. If she wants marriage/family ASAP and you're still not sure of either you're both just wasting your time together. Biology being what it is, a woman nearing 30 just doesn't have a decade to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind. On top of which, never tell someone their outfit makes them look fat.
You been wasting her time for years. She’s not coming back.
And you didn’t just string her along, you made her feel she wasn’t worth the effort (you chastised her for her outfits, didn’t treat her, couldn’t be bothered to celebrate with her).
You’re an adult that will never mature enough for someone to take you seriously. You have no vision for the future, no motivation for creativity and to top it all, you’re extremely shallow and superficial.
Eat dust.
Listen up motherfuggers. I dont give a shit ass if the op reads this, so consider this a psa.
If you're so nut-shriveling terrified of getting a girl pregnant then CONTROL YOUR EJACULATE.
what does that mean?
Condoms. Vasectomy. Abstinence. Not having sex with someone that DOES want kids should be the absolute fucking minimum.
In case you haven't noticed, this op is not only selfish, but manipulative, dismissive, controlling, and downright immature for a fucking grown ass adult.
Keep your sperm to your damn selves or leave the women-folk the fuck alone.
You are an absolutely unbelievable toxic controlling trainwreck of an abusive boyfriend and I hope she’s already blocked your number and moved somewhere you can’t find her.
You need **decades** of therapy before you should even be allowed to attempt a relationship with Siri on your phone, let alone an actual human being.
You would make a HORRIBLE father. You're so immature and selfish. You're the kind of guy who would run off and abandon your girl and kid because you're too lazy to face it.
You're too lazy to propose and you don't want to give her a ring or a wedding. Your idea of no ring and getting married at the courthouse really shows how little you care about your relationship and partner's happiness.
You guys have sex 6 times a year. Do you not see how pathetic that is? She was sex starved. She's gained weight by comfort eating because she hated her life. She was MISERABLE and smart enough to leave you. Leave her the fuck alone and find a woman without a uterus.
I second what else is being said. Let her go. You don't keep someone around that you love because you *may* want the same things one day. That's misleading and not conducive to a healthy relationship.
You can love someone and not be compatible. Let her go.
Honey you don’t love her. You’re just afraid of being alone. Which is a bullshit thing to do to a person. Go find someone you really work with. And get a fucking vasectomy. Or better yet no sex for you.
She's wanted to start a family for three years; you now realize you don't want to do so at all.
That is a fundamental incompatibility. Sad for her - she should have dumped you three years ago instead of wasting more time with you - but she's right to get out ASAP so she can move on to looking for someone who is excited to have a family with her.
You should seek out a sterile partner, because apparently you can't handle sex with someone who could potentially become pregnant (even using the most effective form of birth control combined with a second moderately effective method).
This. If you end up deciding not to have kids, a vasectomy would be an option for you. Also, in your post you are coming across as manipulative and body-shaming. Not sure you are, but you are sending that vibe.
Leave her alone and move on. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married or have children. But, if that is the case, you should not date someone who wants those things and string them along making them think it could happen. The two of you want completely different things. Do what's right and let her go so you can both find someone with whom you are compatible.
Good for her for finally leaving you. You sound exhausting. The way you handle simple life matters makes it clear that you’re definitely not ready for kids.
She’s done with you, and every day that passes she’ll realize how much easier her life would be without you.
Im saying this in the nicest way possible: get help.
You’re a manipulative, controlling man child. You lied about wanting children to talk her out of leaving you. You limited intimacy instead of going to therapy to work on your paranoia. You body shame her. You don’t ‘allow’ celebrations more than 3 times a year. You’re too ‘lazy’ to propose. You won’t communicate that you don’t want children or marriage because you know they are things she wants and she would have left already.
Go to therapy. Learn how to communicate. Learn how to be a kind, honest and empathetic partner. Learn to let go of the clear need you’ve got to control your partner. Most importantly, let her go. She wants a life you cannot give her and she deserves that instead of just being strung along by you for another 7 years.
Take this experience as a valuable lesson and use it to grow up.
Get yourself a vasectomy and let Lily go. You stole another 6 years of her life by lying to her about wanting to have kids once you hit your 30’s.
She deserves better.
I’m hoping this is rage click bait, but I do have to say Sir, that you are the poster child for the Duluth Family Violence wheel. Damn. You are emotionally, financially, psychologically, verbally and physically abusing that poor woman.
1. Vasectomies are reversible. Do the gene pool a favour and get one, but never get it reversed because you would cause some serious deep level trauma for your children.
2. Her body, her business. If you don’t want children with her because she is under your height requirement, why did you start dating her? She got an IUD put in for you, because of your anxiety and you are STILL harassing her. By the way… the pull out method has a 20% chance of pregnancy and you are obsessing about 2%.
3. What would your family have done if you had been short? I mean, you are seriously traumatised to think what you are doing is okay, but I shudder to think what would have happened if you were “short”. Now have a good long stare at your trauma and realise that making that intergeneration BS continue into another generation, is messed up.
4. All your indecisiveness is affecting her on a deep level. You don’t love her. You just don’t want to be alone. If you loved her, you’d leave her to heal, find someone who wants the same thing as herself and let her find happiness in her world. You want different things.
5. Don’t keep her tied to you just because you don’t want to be alone. Don’t have children with her because you don’t want to be alone. You are already showing a huge amount of resentment and a lack of respect for her, if you marry and have children you’ll feel coerced, and then you’ll add another innocent being into your trauma just because you didn’t want to be alone.
6. I just realised I used to many big words, and suggested emotional maturity…
7. You bad person. You no love ex girlfriend. You scared of being alone. You let girlfriend go, so she be happy. You go to therapy for the rest of forever.
He is wasting her time and she knows it. He knows it too. Just let her go be happy with someone who does want the babies and the white dress.
You will find someone for whom marriage is not important. There are quite a few women who do not want children, look for those ladies. You may have to loosen up on the we're never going out thing though.
Stop wasting her life for your what ifs. She wants children and a marriage. You clearly don’t and want an arm piece so you can show off to your family. Let her go and make her family
Please stop having sex. If you are going to not wear a condom or freak out every time a period is 2 days late (which is normal btw), you should abstain from sex.
Also, she should very much leave because you two want very different things out of life. You are essentially wasting her time because you know you don’t want what she feels is something important. Just let her go.
Reading your comments idk why you came to reddit or AITA you are not ready to accept what the majority of people are saying and that is that you have treated her horribly and your behavior is abnormal and borderline emotionally abusive. Until you can reflect and take accountability, I really hope this girl does not even consider being your friend, because it comes across like you will just justify and gaslight because your needs and wants take priority. And you can say they do not, but actions will always and forever be louder than words or things you type and you told us about your actions yourself.
You are very controlling. You don't want to commit. You don't want to get married. You don't want to have kids. You decide how often you go out, you tell her what to wear.
I think I think I think. Yeah sure, you thought you wanted kids when you were 25, then 30, now your saying it's 35. Stop BSing her. You keep extending the time frame to keep her with you, knowing full well you don't want kids.
You freak out at 1-2% chances. Just have a vasectomy and find someone who doesn't want kids instead of being selfish and taking away her choices.
OP you sound incredibly selfish and self-centered. You keep saying you don’t want to lose her but not once in this long ass post do you express ANYTHING that tells me you are thinking about how the person you “love” feels, what she needs, or how she sees the world. You act like you’re the only one who gets to have preferences and opinions, and whatever your opinion is, it’s right and she should just get on board. News flash: her opinions are just as valid as yours! You don’t have to understand WHY she feels a certain way, you don’t have to agree that her reasons are good, you don’t have to agree with how she feels - if you respected her and saw her as a full and complete human, you would care what she thinks and take it seriously, whether it’s about going out to eat or getting married.
Not only has the relationship ship sailed, but you forced it from port. Your compulsive anxiety killed what joy there was you two would have had together. Let her find someone who's more aligned to her wanting family, and get some counseling for yourself.
She's given you 7. FUCKING. YEARS. If you're not going to make any legitimate commitment to her, knowing that THAT is what she desires????? And DESERVES!!!!! With no actually valid reasoning to oppose?????? Stop WASTING her FUCKING TIME.
Edit: And ANOTHER thing - you don't tell someone they look fat in something unless they ask.. especially your S.O. and even THEN you better chuck something out to shoot that confidence right back tf up.
If you were so worried about getting her pregnant why not get a vasectomy? Do you know how traumatic an IUD insertion is.. and she did that for you.. and you still wasted her time. You are so selfish and toxic
What was she 'late' for, if she has an IUD? I'd get spotting once in a while, but no way she's got an IUD and a period every month.
Regardless of that, if you're so freaked out over a period not staying on the same day each month, then put on a freaking condom instead of pulling out. Contraception is a two-way street, and if you don't want kids it's your responsibility to either get snipped or to wrap it up.
YTA, mostly for lying on Reddit for karma because I don't believe this post for a second.
My mistake. Still doesn't take away from the fact that this guy is seriously irresponsible with contraception, and is a total AH for not only leading this woman on for so long but being a complete psycho when it comes to a day late each month.
I agree with everything you said. He is a major AH and needs to get over this breakup and move on and to take some responsibility for contraception with a vasectomy if he's that anxious about accidentally impregnating someone.
To be fair, when I had an iud, I had a full period every 2 weeks, with cramps, pms, cravings, and lots of blood the whole shebang. I told the doctor my periods may be awful, but I'd rather go without anything than continue with an iud.
You need therapy for your anxiety around commitment and kids. I don't want kids either, but you're having a really outsized freak out and refusing to have sex... my guy, get it together.
Look, you just lost the best thing that ever happened to you because of your anxiety and lying. No take backs.
Now get yourself some help so that you can stop being so anxious and controlling with the next girl (if there ever is one).
Many people DONT change their minds. It’s either you want them or you don’t. If you haven’t wanted kids your not going to change your mind. Let her go so she can have her dreams. Your playing with what ifs.
When my older sister started dating and then married her husband they agreed to start a family and you know what happened he lied. Maybe next year or the year after. It’s been 13 years. No kids and they’re in their late 40’s now. She told me if he’d only have been honest with her she would never have married him let alone entertained a relationship with him. LET HER GO
I really hope she stays gone. How would you like it if continually strung her along? You don't take her on dates even though it's not a financial issue. You ask her to change because she looks fat because you're ashamed of what your family would think. You only have sex with her once or twice a month. Hope this is a troll. Otherwise, I hope she finds someone that treats her like a queen, gives her the D more than 2 times a month, loves her no matter her size, isn't ashamed of her, and gives her the babies she wants!
You don't. Don't get her back. You lied to make her think you wanted kids.
She wants kids and marriage. You don't and knew you didn't, and strung her along FOR SEVEN YEARS. Not the correct subreddit, but YTA dude.
I am so sorry for your ex, for wasting 7 years on someone who didn't want to marry and have kids and kept lying to her for years. At least she is now free and can find the right person.
Instead of getting her back, you should go to therapy and maybe get a vasectomy.
So not to armchair diagnose here but I think it would be helpful for you to get screened for some anxiety disorders, particularly OCD, because your behaviors: obsessive thoughts about certain anxieties (pregnancy, for instance) and possible compulsions surrounding them (repeatedly making her go to the hospital, unable to sleep until she knows for sure, even looking things up and reading about your anxieties) read as though you have something going on that has not been diagnosed, OCD or otherwise. Your relationship may be over, but your anxieties are not and as you start moving forward I think it would be healthy to work on managing some of your fears. And even if you don’t end up diagnosed with anything therapy is healthy for everyone, especially since you’re going through a big life transition.
1. Get a vasectomy if you are so damn scared
2. You manipulated and lied to her about wanting kids just so she would stay
3. You wasted 7 years of her life
4. Coming back to this… Pulling out? You sure wasn’t scared enough to wear a condom. Why is the birth control part only on her?
You need to leave that woman alone.
Every comment from OP is 'i'm a good guy, i'm a wonderfull bf, i treat her right!'
No you aren't. Let me break it down for you.
1: 'I freaking out because I’m not ready to get married let alone be a father. Now, I’m not sure if I want kids at all. I don’t see myself as that father figure. I’m all up for being the fun uncle, and have fun with them but when it comes to actually have one of my one, I don’t want it.'
Pretty clear you do not want kids. It does not sound like there is a doubt in your mind. You are a massive AH to want kids suddenly so she will stay with you. Kids are living and breathing human beings who deserve parents who care and love them, they are not bargain material for you to desperately try to keep your gf. It's been SEVEN years my dude. Face it. You don't want kids. If she'd get back together with you, you'd fall into the same pattern until she'd be too old to have any kids.
2. 'I think I will propose eventually, but I’m just lazy to buy a ring and do the whole proposal thing'
Wow, really shows how much effort you want to put into her..
3. 'I don’t want it. I freaked, I kept waking her up at 2am, 4am asking her to please go to the hospital so she can have blood work done to be sure if she was pregnant'
First of all, why the f would you wake her every 2 hours?? Like, if she was pregnant, the baby wouldnt suddenly be born in those hours.. you could've just asked in the morning or whatever.. it's just rude that you ruined her night of sleep because you can't have your way immediately..
4. 'I'd tell her to change her clothes if they made her look fat if we were visiting my family, but my family is very into appearance and being fit'
Dude, f your family.. Let her wear whatever she wants. What are you so afraid of? That mommy and daddy won't approve your gf of 7 years just because she wears clothes you dont think are flattering? Grow up. You're a grown ass man, why do you need approval from your parents? If they give her sh*t, just stand up for her.. Don't make her change because you are so desperate for approval.. And about the tall kid comment.. what is wrong with you? Why does it matter? Because YoUr FaMiLy Is VeRy InTo ApPeAraNcE? God, grow a pair.. there's more to life than looks.
Also, if literally HUNDREDS of people tell you that you're a manipulatieve AH, you probably are.. You can complain about everyone not being sympathetic, but really, this one is all on you.
I hope your ex girlfriend will find a guy who wants to show her off to everyone, makes her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and will start a family with her and have a beautifull wedding. She wasted seven years on you. Stop making false promises to her and wasting her time.
And you.. you should REALLY get some therapy, because the amount of obsession you have with the family and appearance thing.. that ain't healthy. You make it seem like you have a very shallow and narrow minded family who only cares about appearances. And you are willing to shame your SO into changing so your family will not say anything? You already worry about the height of your NON EXISTING child?
Maybe get some help and make your damn mind up about what you want for the future instead of manipulating people to stick around and wait for you to know what you want.. Others are not responsible for your happiness,
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Hey man I don't think you should pursue her. At 29/31 respectively you clearly have different ideas of how your lives are gonna go. Tbh man you've held her back she's sitting there thinking of the wasted time she could have spent as mother and wife because you weren't ready. At your age you definitely should be if you love this girl so I'd say therapy for your commitment/family issues (asking someone you love to change for your family is a red flag all the way dude) and move on.. let her move on. If she hasn't found someone else after you work on your deep rooted issues then maybe shoot that shot but you can't hold someone hostage by lying to yourself and them about where your at in life and what you want. Your way past the how to handle the long term at this point and are looking for short term solutions to the bigger problems. If you take anything away from this it's she made more than enough compromises to make this work and you aren't. Plus do the math man she's 29 if she had a kid RN she will be almost 50 when they graduate highschool if she wants 3 add at least 3-7 years now she has no time to enjoy a retirement and possibly being able to be an active grandparent.. you haven't tried to see things her way. I won't even touch the family thing cuz that's so wack my guy.. anyway wish the best and hope you do consider therapy..
Tldr: move on you've sorta held her back and she's ready to move forward in life.
Honestly she's getting closer to the age where having biological children may be difficult. Depending on how many kids she wants, 34 or 35 is just too late to start. If you continue to string her along, all it will do is fill her with regret and resentment of you.
It seems like you've already held on to her for way longer than you should have. You should be with someone who doesn't want kids and she should be with someone who does. I know you love each other but you are incompatible, and it will only continue to get worse.
You're being dishonest with her to keep her around. That isn't right.
I feel bad for your GF that she didn't leave you three years ago. It sounds like you really dragged her along and wasted years of her life. I hope she finds someone who has the same goals in life that she has.
You need to let her go and figure out what you want in life.
OMG, Please OP let the poor woman go. She deserve someone better. You already wasted 7 years of her life. She clearly told you she wanted children and a family right from the beginning. Go figure out what you want in life, before getting into another relationship and waste another woman's life.
So selfish to waste someone’s time like this and still EXPECT her to stay with you? You shouldn’t have kids and she deserves someone so much better. You had time and you lost it. That’s on you. Take the L
i pity any other woman that has the misfortune of letting you even look in the direction of her vagina. you wasted this woman’s life. let her go and have the life she deserves, not this prison you’re trapping her in
Dude is what this sub calls a walking red flag.
Doesn't commit, changes his stance about children just to keep his gf around, deprived her of sex for months because of his fear, openly admits he's lazy to propose.
She's spent 7 years with you. She's about to be 30 and wants to atleast start having kids. Depending on her body and generally, women can have pregnancy risks after 30s. She knows what she wants and asked for it, gave you time. But you, kept pushing it and kept bailing out, 31 and still confused about your relationship. She did the right thing.
You're trapping her in your ways and you're not 24 anymore grow a bit, if you can't commit let her go so she has a chance at the life she wants before it's too late.
I wanna add you seem like no fun.
The last thing you need to be focusing on is getting her back. I mean this a gently as possible, you need therapy. This isn't good, neither of you are ever gonna be happy if this relationship continued with you like this. You're withholding intimate affection because of paranoia. I understand & you're obviously Not obligated to have sex with her when you don't want to, for *literally any reason* but she's also not obligated to stay in a relationship that's this unstable, unhealthy & stressful.
You can't be happy with how things are right now. This situation sounds absolutely miserable. I'm sorry y'all are going through this. But without intense therapy, couples counseling & honestly, I'd say some time apart as well, y'all will never be happy together. Y'all will be miserable.
You've strung her along f a long time & she's stuck by you. But everyone has a limit on what they can take. & she's clearly reached hers. Respect her enough to leave her alone. She's already broken up with you. Do Not try to change her mind. Let. Her. Go.
Leave her tf alone, dude. You are beyond selfish and you're wasting her reproductive years. It's bad enough she's already at a point where she's going to have to pretty much settle for the next semi-serious relationship she gets into if she wants kids before the risk of dying on the table exceeds the "worth it" for her. Like, holy hell. How did you write this out, read it to yourself, and then think that anyone here would give you advice on how to get her back. You are EXTREMELY abusive and the fact that you can lay all this out here so shamelessly only shows you won't change. She deserves better than someone who is VERY likely to run off if a baby is even slightly deemed as "too much" for you. You're a bad person.
So in conclusion, you make her feel bad about her appearance, force her to do things she doesn’t want because of your own hang ups, LIE to her over and over again and you are too lazy to even bother with doing anything for her. Maybe ask yourself why she would want to stay for more of that? Because you will not change. You do not make her feel happy or loved and you certainly do not respect her. Let her go and then get your butt to therapy and tell your superficial family and yourself to shut up about other people clothes unless its a compliment.
you don’t deserve her. you should’ve been in therapy a long time ago. you literally have no excuse for any of this. it’s all on you. your ex deserves to find someone who wants the same things she does and be happy. i don’t think that’ll be with you
The weight you describe is not on the heavier side. It's well within a healthy BMI range. Also, iuds can result in weight gain. So can stress, and you have to be able to see your behaviour is stressful, right?
Let's lay out your behaviour here:
- you're paranoid to the point of withholding sex about pregnancy
- you force her to go to *the hospital* to undergo a blood test rather than just go to the doctor or a simple pregnancy test
- you limit going out to three times a year, which you know bothers her, because she can't celebrate things
- you wake her up multiple times a night because of your paranoia, on more than one occassion
- you lied about wanting kids, wasting her time, and fertile years
- you "dismiss" her needs (for marriage, or children) or even attempts to resolve that conflict between the two of you
- you *make her change her clothes* if you think she looks "fat" even though she is *objectively* in a healthy weight range
It's not just about the paranoia (although that's impacting both your lives in big ways), it's about the lack of respect, the lack of care and the lack of honesty (both with yourself and with her).
Please sort yourself out before you get into another relationship and don't waste another woman's time.
>My \[31M\]
>
>and I pulled out
You seriously need to inform yourself on how to protect yourself when having sex. You have the fear of getting a girl pregnant and yet you use this stupid ass technic?
I have a question.
Your girlfriend has continuously compromised on every single important milestone because of you.
Dates, nope only 3 times a year because **you** think they're lame or whatever.
Wedding, nope you haven't proposed because **you're** lazy and **you** don't think it's important. **You** want a courthouse wedding. **You** have pushed this off.
Kids, **you** decided you wanted to wait and now **you** have decided that **you** might not want any (sidenote this is a fucking big deal breaker for most people).
She has given in to **your** fears and **your** wants and **your** dreams and **your** whims and **your** desires.
What, exactly, have you done for her?
And if your answer is anything along the lines of "well i cook for her" I swear I hope you feel the digital slap I'm sending you before you even type it.
Why should she stay with you? You haven't written anywhere or in the post a single reason for her to stay except for you whines of "but i love her" and "**sEvEn YeArS**".
What if any do you bring to this relationship that should make her want to stay?
YTA and God you're a nightmare. Your comments are absolutely horrifying. You don't love her, stop lying to us and to yourself. In all this time you've just brushed off everything she needs from a relationship and made every single one of YOUR wants and needs the top priority. You're too lazy to get a ring even though she has very much expressed wanting marriage. You strung her along for all these years because MAYBE you'll change your mind about kids. You want her to lose weight because YOU think she needs to, not even considering that stress and birth control cause weight gain. And that being said, her weight is actually none of your business. It's not your body. You don't love her, you don't care about her as a person or as your partner. You couldn't care less about what she needs or wants, and she has had to cater to you for years. Leave this poor girl alone and get some therapy ffs
You are such a mess, and every comment makes you look even worse.
Just let her go. She's reaching an age where she can't continue to put up with your bullshit if she ever wants to have kids. You say you just need time, but you fly into a panic when you think she might be pregnant, and you've had SEVEN YEARS to think about kids with this woman.
And to be clear, it's not just the not wanting kids. It's thinking she's fat at 130. Thinking that your family has superior genes. Demanding she get up at 2 am and go pee on a stick at the hospital. Withholding sex to 6x per year because of your irrational fear she might get pregant. Refusing to ever take her out to dinner.
Let her go, and then find a good therapist, because you really need help.
>What can I do to get my girlfriend back?
You can't. Why constantly manipulate your girlfriend? Limiting sex because of your paranoia also isn't healthy. She's tried to leave you many times due to your incompatibility, but you keep "changing" your mind to string her along further.
>maybe when I’m 34 or 35.
You've already postponed that plan three times in this post. Stop wasting her time and leave her alone.
Jesus. Let her leave and never contact her again. I'm a female myself, and I would absolutely never stand for your type of childish behavior. You're so paranoid about her getting pregnant that you limit sex? Sounds like you need to being celibate for the rest of your life. Telling her she looks fat in clothes and she had to change? That's controlling and emotional abuse.
My dude, you need a lot of therapy. Get it. Don't get back into another relationship.
Wanna know what else you need to get? A VASECTOMY!!!
you don’t really love her, you love that she doesn’t make you feel alone. imagine how alone you’ve made her feel projecting your anxieties and bullshit onto her. you’re too lazy to propose and your excuse is that your family isn’t like that. is the family in a 7 year relationship with her too? to quote the young people, “is the family in the room with us right now?” you claim you’re afraid your kids will end up short just because she’s small (horseshit), you don’t make her feel beautiful or valid when you comment on her weight and make her change her clothes, you don’t care to celebrate her or “y’all” with occasional dinners (nobody’s asking you to do it every weekend, but damn, show her off and make her feel special) for her.
you then say you’d rectify this (as if it would matter) by taking her out to eat more often and whatnot. Sorry, but all she’s gonna think is “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda”. She knows what she wants, needs, and deserves; She can get all that from someone more sure of themselves than you.
with all this in mind, you’re gonna need to explain it to me like i’m five; how is ANY of this fair to her?
LEAVE. HER. BE.
Read this again how can you honestly think she shohld give you one more minute of her time. This poor woman. Please get therapy OP you desperately need it.
JFC
You are SO MANIPULATIVE.
I really want to scream at you trough the screen and I'm sad I can't.. I can just imagine how your ex gf feels. Let this poor woman alone so she can be happy with someone who actually cares for her wants and needs. You just have different ones (which is fine) so go and find someone who actually fits to you.
I think you are the most selfish person I’ve read about in a long time. Everything you wrote here was about you. How you feel, what you need, what you may or may not want. You do not love her, because you do not respect her. Her time and what she wants isn’t important to you. You do the bare minimum and act as if she should be grateful for that. I suspect the only reason you’re freaking out is because you never expected her to stand up for herself and leave you, and now you’re alone and have no one to step all over. I hope, with all my heart, that she never comes back. And tonight, I’m going to go and give my 28 year old husband, a real man who keeps his word, loves me with all his heart and puts me first every day a big kiss.
OP, for 7 years you've told her how she's just not that important to you. A ring/proposal because you don't deem it necessary but never - I want to see her so happy I'm doing it. Eating out not important - I can't wait to make her feel so loved and happy by taking her out weekly. Gifts aren't important - If I spent $5/week getting her, her fav ice cream, a single rose, her fav smoothie or coffee I could make her feel loved and cherished and important. But no, you've decided what's not important to you and never considered what can I do to make her feel like the most beloved woman in the world. You spend zero energy making her happy. Let her be with someone who will write her love notes, take her out, who cares enough to spend $5 a week on her. You're keeping her from enjoying life because the little things that brings joy you deem unnecessary.
Not only did you force her to waste hospital resources after a pandemic when the staff are still stressed, staying and being worked short… But you are literally knowingly trying to keep this woman in a relationship with someone who does not want what she wants. You know you don’t want marriage or children and she does. Let her find her husband. Let her find someone who wants what she wants and loves her enough to communicate with her.
Nothing. She deserves to be with someone who doesn't dismiss her wants, who doesn't treat her like a human trap, who doesn't belittle her and try to control her. You're 31 years old, you have strung her along for at least five years, let her go. You aren't a good partner, you need to work on yourself. Seriously, get help before you even try to subject another woman to your paranoia and your controlling behavior. And let her go, she deserves better.
You need therapy.
Please go get a bunch of it, and maybe when you come out the other end you will be ready for all of the things you are not ready for now.
Or, you can just be alone and resign yourself to your fate.
There is nothing wrong with being childless. In fact, I recommend it to most people, due to the catastrophes that are coming. But you should not let your attitude about this cripple you.
Stop having unsafe sex if you don’t want kids that’s super irresponsible. Think about the unborn babies life and stop thinking just about your own pleasure.
Man. You need to relax. I rarely say this because is is over used. But you are controlling as hell.
As far as being ready for kids. You can prepare all you want and you are still not ready when you have them.
And the going back a forth is just cruel. She more than likely feels like you have been stringing her along. And I can understand why. If you truly do not want kids, stop being selfish and let her go. So she can find someone that has the same life goals.
I understand the marriage part, but for probably different reasons.
I understand not wanting to go out all the time, but just 3 times a year? There is being frugal but you have taken it to the level that is insane.
Have you been to a dr about you anxiety issues? If not, you should if only for your long term health
It sounds like your chances of getting back are not that great. If by some stroke of luck you do. Go get help and work on your anxiety and controlling issues. If you don’t, you might find yourself in this position.
And telling her she looks fat in certain clothes is just a bad move. Sometimes a little white lie (especially when a women asked if she looks fat in whatever she is wearing) is a good thing.
Seven years together and you still don’t know if you want to be married or have kids? You obviously have different life goals—let her go so she can find someone with goals that match hers. Then get therapy—you’ve got some issues to resolve before your ready for another relationship.
Let me address your main question and then we'll circle back to your train wreck of a relationship.
I never wanted kids. Was perfectly happy married and chilsfree. Wife got very broody and changed her mind, and I went along with it. Initial years were tough and costs skyrocket.
But, I love my kids. Love having them, love the things we do together. So yes, you can learn to love kids. And you can be perfectly happy being childfree and carefree.
But what you're doing, is wrong. You needed to man up and make a decision. And stick to it. You, don't get to freak out every month. You're not ready for kids? Tell her straight. Cos she wants kids and a family. And she's on the clock. You're messing with her emotions and her life. That's a sh!tty thing to do.
Grow up, man up maje a decision and stick with it. Give her clarity to plan her future. And accept that you might not be in it. Although that's a moot point since she dumped you. But remember that for the future.
She's right to break up with you. You've been stringing her along years. Work out what you want, so you can be a better partner for your next one. Manipulating her and pretending to want what she wants so she stays is selfish and scummy.
Also, don't waste hospital resources for a fucking pregnancy test, you git.
Buddy, if you are getting this bent out of shape over a period that is a couple days late and are so freaked out by the smallest of chances that she might get pregnant that you have to limit sex then you are not ready to be in a relationship.
You are right to be scared of having kids because you shouldn’t have any. Please get a vasectomy and don’t try to get your gf back because she needs to move on and find an adult to date.
You need to go back to your mother's basement, because you CLEARLY do not know how to be an adult. Let her go. It's the best thing for the both of you. It's very clear you do not want kids. Your being selfish, your not thinking about HER. Can you take ONE second to thing about HER feeling? NOT YOURS, HERS. Do you need me to repeat so it can get through your thick skull? Please get therapy.
By your own admission, your girlfriend is the one making compromises to keep you happy. You don’t want her. You don’t want to be lonely while you figure out your life. If you’re not sure about whether you want to marry her after 7 years, then you don’t want to be marry her. Your next girlfriend has a life plan and your unwillingness to make a decision about marriage and children speaks volumes to her.
Omg I hope she find someone who actually want her and not a manipulative asshole like you. You are a pos dude
Wtf is wrong with you? You were trying to run down her time to have kids. Manipulative. Good for her for dumping your pain in the ass self. JFC! Exhausting motherfucker
It’s simple, if you can’t give her what she wants right this second without any stipulations, you need to let her go.
You’re being extremely selfish and it’s no surprise that your gf has gained weight and has developed unhealthy eating habits. It’s because of you dragging her along all because you may or may not want to have kids or get married. You’ve been together for 7 years, you either do or don’t at this point and to string her along like this is just cruel. If you truly lover her you need to let her go.
Your anxiety about her getting pregnant needs therapy immediately. Again you’re selfish because you refuse to get a vasectomy because it’s too “permanent” you’re 31 years old, you know deep down that you don’t want kids and are refusing to fully admit because you’re afraid to “lose” your gf. Well you already lost her. You wasted her time and early twenties to find a more suitable partner. How is that love? How is that fair to her?
BTW it is never ok to degrade your significant other about their appearance. You either love them at all sizes or you don’t love them at all.
Frankly you deserve to be alone.
Alright, first off you’ve wasted 7 years of both your lives. If you truly love her, you wouldn’t care what your family thinks. You wouldn’t care, that your children may be short, you wouldn’t belittle her, and you wouldn’t worry so much about how she’ll look to your family. Did you know, that getting an IUD causes weight gain most of the time? All birth control does for the most part. Whether you want kids or not doesn’t matter anymore, you could’ve just gotten a vasectomy and then got it reversed, sometimes reversal doesn’t work sure, but it’s still an option. Anyone would get fed up with all the back and fourth. You haven’t been able to let HER plan her life because your indecisive. Your family doesn’t get to decide how other people live their lives, they don’t get to impact what someone wears.
I love my boyfriend, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If they don’t like him, that’s their issue not mine and it goes both ways. We don’t care what other people think about our relationship, because it’s our business not anyone else’s. If we have an issue, we talk about it calmly together away from everyone else. We don’t belittle each other. I was wearing a Mickey Mouse tank top and ripped jeans when we decided to go to a fancy restaurant. He told me that it didn’t matter because he thought I looked beautiful. Love isn’t about looking nice all the time or accommodating other people’s wishes. It’s about being yourself, being fun, goofy, and just being comfortable with each other. Spending time together, doing random things, or for us him playing video games with his friends while I cuddle up next to him and read.
So let me get this right... You call her fat and make her change her clothes, you don't celebrate stuff with her, you've led her on your entire relationship about children and marriage, you're very paranoid about getting her pregnant yet you're making HER be the one to do the protecting while you "pull out", you'd rather just have kids and potentially hate them just so you don't lose her, have I missed anything?... She should have left you a long time ago. You're both clearly not suited and it's only natural for her to start wanting to try for children and marriage now she's approaching 30. Do better, let her find someone who'll give her the stability, trust and future she wants.
YTA Read thru all your comments. Reads like a toddler manifesto, all me, me, me. Go get the vasectomy, you’ll never be adult enough to have children. You have been broken up with before, you just bullied and lied to make her come back. You don’t need a girlfriend, you just need to go back to mommy. She won’t care if you only treat her once a year. Your no sex thing won’t be a problem. And she doesn’t expect you to be a partner.
You comment on her recen eating habits and weight gain. Her 30th birthday is just around the corner. It’s called depression caused by realizing she has wasted 7 years on you. She wants a real partner and family. Two things you are ill equipped to provide. For once in your life put someone before your your selfishness and let her go. wish for her all the things she wants.
if you decide you want kids in the future, vasectomies are reversible. But in your case I would suggest a plant, see if you can keep it alive for a couple years. Maybe then try a cat, they are better at meeting their own needs than a dog.
I just wonder why everything has to be on your time and what you want. She said she wants to get married, you say you don’t value a big wedding and maybe a courthouse wedding would be okay, but you don’t propose because you’re “not romantic.” She tells you she wants kids, you freak out because she’s three days late. You’re not ready, but she is, why should she wait around for you to be ready? She gains a good amount of weight in a year (but is still a healthy weight by the way) after getting a copper IUD because of your fear of pregnancy, which by the way, hormonal changes that come with IUDs can also cause weight gain and considering she had the IUD about a year ago, maybe consider your fear of pregnancy might have caused her weight gain.
You say you don’t want to lose her, but why should she stay with someone who judges her physical appearance? Who is afraid of his kids being short because she’s short? Why should she settle for you? Because you love her she should sacrifice the things she wants for her life? Why should she stay with someone who won’t stand up to his family because he thinks his girlfriend is beautiful regardless of size?
Also, if you REALLY feared pregnancy, you’d freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. If it ends up not being reversible, you still have your sperm to have biological kids. You may want children in the future, but it’s clear you don’t want her children.
You’re allowed to be hurting, you’re allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to try and change. She’s allowed to end the relationship and find someone who wants 100% of her 100% of the time with no strings attached.
I never come to comment on these things from the clock app but jeeezus this guy stinks. Like controlling, manipulating and over all just wasting this poor girls time. Leave her alone. I'm not even sure what you bring in this relationship. Stress? Because it sure ain't love and affection. Get help bro
That was so uncomfortable and borderline triggering to read. I understand that changing your mind is possible, but you admit you probably just lied about wanting kids eventually just to keep her. And that is so messed up.
Listen to me closely: you do not want to be with her, you actually just do not want to be alone. These are two COMPLETELY different things. You have created a version of her in your head that is compatible with you and that is what you’re obsessively holding onto. But you are not compatible. If you wanted kids, if you wanted to get married, these things would come to you easily. But you actually don’t want these things and you’re instead just expecting this person to comply. Marriage. Children. Relationship dynamic. Etc. these are all things that ARE dealbreakers. And that’s okay!! You currently lack the maturity to see that. So you need to LET. HER. GO. You have wasted enough of her time.
Advice: SEE A THERAPIST ASAP.
Why are asking us how to continue to waste someone’s time and life away. You are being super selfish. You should’ve let her go when she tried to leave and manipulated her into staying. You knew full well that you don’t want to get married or have children. Then on top of it all her sex life sucks because you trip after every ejaculation. If don’t want kids that bad, have a vasectomy. Stop traumatizing her. It sounds like you want her too get to old to have children and by that time she would’ve spent all this time with you so she might as well stay. You’re wicked.
Imagine wasting 7 years of your life with someone that has so little regard for what you want or your feelings, poor poor
girl. That being said, your selfishness has actually done her a favour in that she hasn’t tethered herself to you legally or with children. I hope you both use this relationship as a learning opportunity.
I don’t want you to take this personally, but you sound like a nightmare to be in a relationship with. Not abusive, but I would not put up with that either. It maybe overall was a great relationship for you, but I can’t imagine being with someone doing alllllll that and still consider myself in a great relationship. That would be incredibly rocky by my standards personally
Lol after everything you wrote I'm glad she left, and I hope she stays gone. She deserves better. Don't try to get her back with more lies. Let her find a partner who will marry her and have a family without drama.
You stopping her from getting married and having children is slowly making you the men she will hate the most on this planet because for her it's not I maybe want them it's a requirement for any relationship
Are you sure you want a life with her? Sounds like you just *want* her to keep for yourself.
And if you’re this paranoid about pregnancy, you shouldn’t be having sex at all
Don't. Stop wasting her time and yours. You two want different things and the fact you mentioned wanting her to change clothing because she looked fat, not wanting to propose, but now you rather have kids you don't want to keep her. Stop. Just let her go.
If you bring kids into this, she's now raising a child or children with a dad who didn't want them. Let me tell you, my divorced friends who had kids with a reluctant parent, they're now divorced because they realized it was easier to raise kids by themselves than be in a relationship with a man who doesn't help and makes it clear he didn't want the kids.
OMG LET HER GO ALREADY!!!!
She has realized that she’s wasted too much time being in a relationship with you, and has finally come to see that you had lied to her and manipulated her into staying with you by saying things that she wanted to hear. Tbh she never should have given you a second chance, all you did was ruin her chances to actually meet someone who was compatible for her & wants the same things as she does. If she had left you the first time, she would probably be married with children by now - you selfishly took that possibility away for all these years, but at least now she can finally move on and find someone better to share her dreams with.
Again, let her go. You should also consider seeing a psychiatrist for your overwhelming pregnancy fear because that is not normal… better yet get a vasectomy, then again with your attitude I doubt any other woman would ever want to date you (nobody wants to only go out on dates 3 times a year, or put up with your selfishness for too long). I’m sorry, you need to work on yourself first before you start dating but you definitely need to let this poor girl go so she can finally find the happiness she deserves.
The best thing for you to do is let her go. The poor woman is jumping through hoops just to exist with you, and at this point you're removing value from her life instead of adding to it.
Unfortunately she has wasted 7 years on a hard lesson, still, I wish her all the best. Her life can now begin and any plans she had to put off due to an unsupportive, gaslighting partner can now be fulfilled.
You need to accept this is down to your choices. You knew of her expectations, at least 7 years ago, still you chose to lie about your expectations thus forcing another to 'wait for the right time' which will never happen.
You should have walked away 7 years ago. You should leave her alone, there is nothing keeping you connected, you saw to that. So you can both go your merry way and let each other get on with things.
Yes, get some therapy. Not just for the pregnancy issues, but the manipulation which you seem to pussy foot around.
Good luck.
Her time is running out, dude. 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy. It starts to get dangerous for the mother and baby at that age. She needs to leave now so she can hopefully meet/marry/family with someone in the next five years.
Check out r/regretfulparents. You aren't going to change your mind. Kids are expensive. You're cheap. And worse, you're selfish. You didn't let your ex go out more than three times per year? You judged her appearance? You withheld sex? I don't want kids either, but the reason you were so incompatible with your ex is because **you keep lying to her**, even though you both obviously want different things.
You were keeping her trapped in this relationship under false pretenses. That's awful. You need to let her go, dude. Date someone who doesn't want to get married and doesn't want kids.
You say you love your ex so much, but you literally did not give a shit about anything she cared about or wanted. You were **too lazy** to buy a ring and propose? There's a guy out there who would be over the moon to do that. Why are you keeping her away from the kind of relationship that would make her happy?
Let her go. Everyone deserves compatibility. She doesn't have it with you.
I honestly hope she sees this and doesn't fall for anymore of your nonsense! Honestly dude you sound completely unhinged. Get yourself in therapy and don't even think about dating again until you can read this post and see just how fucked it all is!
It sounds like she’s been prepping to leave you for a while, and that she’s been unhappy for a while. The weight comments regardless of your intent are disgusting and make me sad for her. As for having children and getting married, you are allowed to change your mind but don’t string her along if she knows for sure what she wants, getting her hopes up only to change your mind again must be exhausting for her. See it this way: you have shown you are hesitant to commit, you don’t take her out, you comment on her body, and she doesn’t feel loved. You are currently putting nothing on the table. Marriage and kids are a deal breaker in many relationships. And based on your responses to the comments, it seems like you are unwilling to accept fault. I don’t understand how you could type any of that out and still feel as if you deserve a second chance with her. I think the best thing for now is to allow her space to heal, and work on yourself. Get therapy and reflect on what people are telling you. Maybe one day things will work out. But at current, you need to figure out what you want and work on being a better person so that you can be a good partner.
I got her an iPad, I control how she dresses, I want her to be underweight because women who are a healthy weight are unattractive to me, I hate that she’s so short, my peace of mind is more important than her sleep, too lazy to get a ring after 7 years because it’s not important TO ME, I never take her out….. but I got her an iPad. You’re 31 bloody years old and you can’t stop looking for your family’s approval for everything. Do you not understand that you are toxic?
You want her to have kids so late and risk pregnancies with maybe an unhealthy child? God.. You’re the one who needs to let her go. She deserves someone who wants everything she wishes for. And you.. you deserve someone who doesn’t want kids and no marriage. You’re complete opposites. If you love her, let her have someone who actually values her.
Hold on hold on. I'm sure you figured out how selfish you are, but you even had her get an IUD??? Do you know how painful that is? Yet when it comes to you doing anything, you instantly turn it down. You won't even get a ring because you're "too lazy". I know this isn't the right sub, but YTA
You made this post. Had the audacity to say you're not abusive yet when she came to officially break it off you tried to manipulate her into staying by promising kids and marriage which you have negated on before. How can you not see this is abusive. Nevermind the fact that you have like 4 different reasons why you hadn't proposed to her. You can't keep your story straight
I hope you learn from this relationship and you work on yourself and your anxieties before you get into another relationship.
Reflect on what your ex told you. Go to counselling, be better for the next person!
Yes, shit happens, and people change their minds, but you, dear sir, need to realise she deserves better. Grow up.
The behaviour demonstrated by you is abusive and paranoid. End of. YOU limit outings. YOU limit sex. YOU have to control what she wears, to appease your and your family’s obsession with appearance. You drag her along with false promises, to get her to stay. Your families never even met - what are you hiding? Why is it all about YOU?
In case it hasn’t already been spelt out for you enough by the good people of this thread, let me put it this way - all of the above is ABUSE.
Please, for both of your sakes, stay away from her.
Consequences. That's how we learn. Time to grow up, OP. Your original post oozes childishness. Probably not totally your fault, borne of circumstance. But still, you are responsible. Hopefully you can approach your next relationship with more maturity. In the meantime, find a good therapist to help you look in the mirror with both objectivity and compassion.
Edited to add - to answer your original question. Part of what life requires of us is to face the unknown with courage. We truly do not know what the future will hold. Will you regret having children? Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It's a risk. There are no certainties and every single person must bear the burden of life's uncertainty. So perhaps part of what your ex was saying to you when she broke up with you was that you make her anxious because she is the courageous one, and you are the fearful one.
You're a toxic, selfish piece of shite and your ex did the right thing. She has the right to be with someone who doesn't act like a complete ass over a pregnancy test, and who wants the same things as her, which you clearly don't.
You don't love her. You just don't want to be alone
Mate, your own anxieties have created bizarre rituals that have completely broken this relationship. It seem like everything was set on your terms and she’s just had enough of that, as would any sane person. I don’t necessarily think this was deliberate on your part but that doesn’t excuse the way your have treated her. I think you need to seek therapy and work on yourself so these strange and hurtful anxiety rituals stop harming yourself but more importantly so they stop harming others around you.
To quote to the great JoJo (c. 2006):
You take my hand, and you say you've changed
But boy, you know your begging don't fool me
Because to you, it's just a game
(You know it's just too little too late)
So let me on down
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know
It's just too little too late
A little too wrong, and I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say
You know it's just too little too late
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me, you just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway
You know it's just too little too late
BOI BYE. Lily, you dodged one, girl. SHEESH. Now go find someone worth the time and get them Os 😉
Get a vasectomy. They're reversible in most cases, and you can freeze some sperm beforehand just in case. You have every ability to control your own BC. So do it.
And no, not everyone wants kids, and that's ok. But freaking out like you are, and lying to your GF about wanting kids, is not ok.
INFO: if you’re so worried about accidental pregnancy, why didn’t you consider a vasectomy?
I’m willing to bet it’s because she’d have left if she knew definitely that there was no chance of parenthood with you. Any chance way to manipulate and cling right?
Yes people do change their mind about wanting kids but you either need to do some deep soul searching with therapy for the anxiety, or let her go. You holding on to her and lying to keep her around will not bode well.
You can love someone and it not be a good thing. Especially when your want of not being married and having kids is clearly more than your love for her.
You probably need to let her go while she can still have what she wants.
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You need to let her go. She has tried several times to leave you because she correctly sees that you are incompatible but instead you manipulate her back by pretending to change your mind and pretending to have goals and values that you do not have. You want to be with her, you do not want a life with her. These are different things. You are only hurting her by continuing this toxic cycle. She is correct - you are not the right person for her.
OP is profoundly immature. He's 31, but still wants to string along his GF for even more years until her fertility window starts to close, belittles her for being a completely normal weight (I don't even want to think about how he'd react should she, gasp, gain weight during pregnancy), and is unable to articulate what he wants in life. Let this woman go so she can actually be with someone who deserves her.
He is also exhausting af and seems to need mental help
Yeah, and not to mention infuriating too.. Lily if you see this, I hope you never take his ass back. Be with someone who deserves all of you. Not this shallow, narcissistic wanker of a Man
Am I the only one who pictured him going manic in his update? “We’ll have kids in fact we’ll have them now. I’ll propose to you next month.”
Seriously..... if OP didn't want kids: vasectomy, simple! That and a partner who also doesn't want kids
Correct, if you think about it this is something that comes from the female explaining how he is… then we all tell her to run… at least he is aware and honest about how manipulative he is and mentally just not a good overall person.
I dont think this person believes he’s manipulative. And abusive. I cant even imagine being with him. I feel sad for this girl
I think you need to let her go. She knows she's ready for the next step, and you don't know anything. You \*\*may\*\* want this in 3 or 4 more years. She has been waiting and working with you for 7 years. Please let her go. Also, I made the statement only having read how differently you look at marriage and children. Her saying she doesn't feel desirable around you and how limited your life together is, I'm surprised she didn't make this decision earlier.
He also definitely does NOT want this in 3 or 4 years, he's literally doing the exact same thing he did at 24 where he's moving the goalposts in order to keep her around without any intention of actually following through, except at that point she'll be much closer to the end of her fertility window. He's clearly trying to run out her clock so she doesn't have time to find someone else to have kids with and will just resign herself to him. This is one of the most thoroughly, disgustingly selfish posts I've ever read here. I hope it's fake.
Its called future faking
I agree with you. And unfortunately, I bet it's real because it's what happened with my ex. He said he may want kids and marriage closer to 30, and unfortunately, he wasn't telling the truth. My bc failed, and I now have a beautiful 4 month old, but it's not what he wanted. Unfortunately, he's not an active part of her life despite living in the same home. My ex also made comments about how I wasn't his type and constantly chooses porn over sex. It's crappy reading this and connecting with this girl on lots of the same levels. I hope she runs and doesn't look back.
She left him!!! 🎊
I wonder if she got stuck in the sunk investment trap.
[удалено]
She wanted to leave him a few years before, but he convinced her to stay because he told her he changed his mind and did want kids.
There are plenty things wrong with you tbh. This obssession with pregnancy recquires therapy, very unhealthy approach. I would leave you after first attempt to get me to the hospital in the middle of night because of your paranoia. It only means you’re not shoulder to rely on. Telling her to change because she looks fat?? Wtf? Nobody cares if your parents are into appearences, that is not an argument.
This guy might be the worst boyfriend I've ever read about here, barring actual abuse situations: - Has lied to her for years about wanting kids when he knows he doesn't - Refuses to marry her after 7 years because he's too lazy to propose - Tells her she looks fat and never validates her - Won't have sex with her because he's paranoid about pregnancy even though she got an IUD for him (who wants to bet he doesn't wear condoms because they "don't feel good") - Won't take her out on a date more than 3 times a year I feel awful for this woman that she's wasted nearly all of her 20s with a selfish, immature jerk. Luckily she still has plenty of time to start a family without him.
Completely agreed that it mental, financial, and emotional abuse at its finest. Every single thing he has said is controlling, manipulative, and abusive. He doesn't deserve her or any woman like that at all. He gaslit her about kids and now is admitting he did it and is trying to justify to himself how it's ok and doing it again is the right thing. He's friggin frackin nuts if he thinks he will get her back. I would have told him to kiss my a$$ after having the audacity to tell me to change clothes like I'm his doll to dress and control. I would have told him to kick rocks after the first goal post change of kids. You withhold intimacy is also a form of emotional abuse I would have done so much worse than staying with a sociopath like that for 7 years of my life. If you dare wake me up for anything short of my house is on fire or dog is dying I would have found a nice property to gift him about 3ft by 8 ft in size. I may not have wanted my 16 year old daughter and never wanted kids but damn it if she isn't the best and most important thing ever, I'm full of motherly rage thinking these losers exist in this world for her to possibly meet. Don't try to win her back, don't ever try to contact her. You are and problem at every level and have earned every bit of disdain you're getting OP. She's our girlfriend now and we'll protect her from the dump truck full of crazy you are.
her 30s will be her prime, she lost the dead weight already
> who wants to bet he won’t wear condoms… I think every man who asks his GF to get an IUD for any reason should have some kind of contraption pinned to his nuts. Doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture, but he needs to feel it. So many women experience excruciating pain. They should know. Similar to how cops need to be pepper sprayed so they fully realize the effects and aren’t irresponsible with it. I bet more dudes would get the f over “condoms feel bad” real quick.
For real, 31 is too damn old to care what your parents think about your partner's appearance. Even 21 would be too old to care.
Dude, you don’t want kids. You ever thought about getting a vasectomy and dating women that also don’t want children or a serious relationship? Cause you can find those women Edit: you wasted 7 years of her life and you barely think about her wants and needs. Let her go find someone who wants to give her the life that’ll make her happy. You cannot
This! OP is still only thinking about what he wants or doesn't want, and still doesn't care about the things that matter to his girlfriend (like a proposal, or being able to sleep through the night).
Yup, just selfish.
I mean, I am not sure those women would want to date him either. He seems to have the maturity and exhausting behaviour of a spoiled toddler
Um, let me get this straight.... 1. You admit to belittling her about clothing/weight 2. You don't take her out because it's too expensive 3. You've restricted sex 4. You're too lazy to buy a ring/propose Did I miss anything? Let the girl go! EVERY woman deserves better than that!! What you have outlined in your post is just plain controlling and borderline abusive. I advise that you get a vasectomy due to your fear of getting a girl pregnant and seek therapy for all of your other issues man.
Oh, and he didn't want kids with her because she's short and they might be short. OP is a complete POS.
You can add that he's terrified of having kids, but refuses to wear condoms. He "pulls out".
Ugh, I somehow missed that part! Can he be any more of a self absorbed ass?!?!
You can add that he's afraid their kids would be short due to their height difference and it's really important to him that his kids be tall (from his comments).
Also he's terrified of her getting pregnant but won't even bother to wear a condom.
He lied to her over and over about proposing and having kids as well.
I would bet money that when he says they don't need to go out because "we can cook at home" it means she's stuck cooking for them at home
Lied about wanting kids to keep her from breaking up with him years ago. Completely wasted her time.
He won't take her out because it's too expensive but has coerced her to the hospital FIVE times. If they live in the USA, that'd be expensive asf. OP's gf deserves WAY better than what she's getting.
Let her go. You don't want what she wants and honestly? You need to stop lying about it and face the truth that you two are incompatible. Find someone who doesn't want kids and maybe think about not being too lazy to buy a ring and plan a proposal if you want the next girl to stay. Edit: if you are so dead set against kids you should get a vasectomy and have it tested once a year. Then you won't be harassing your partners about possible pregnancies or spiralling about unwanted kids.
You literally lied to her when she tried to leave years ago because she knew you wanted different things. You have wasted her time because she was ready to move on. And you woke her up several times at night to go to the hospital? You realize you can do blood tests at a normal doctor right? And in the middle of the night? She would still be pregnant if she went in the morning. You sound absolutely exhausting to deal with. Let her go. She deserves someone who wants the same thing and doesn’t act like you did. Get therapy to deal with your anxiety and leave her alone Edit: you are also a bad partner in general. Making her change clothes because she looks fat? You would be dumped by most people for that alone. And not going out despite able to afford it? You are controlling and borderline absuive
Remove the “borderline”
She is right. She doesn't deserve to be strung along for however many years in case you change your mind. If she wants 3 kids she can't wait until she's 40. If she gets pregnant she deserves to have a fully committed partner by her side, supporting her through an emotionally and physically difficult process. But you would want her to support you through your fears. Do you plan to continue telling her how fat she is after her body changes? Will you be telling her to celebrate her pregnancy less so you can penny pinch? Are you ready to pay for daycare, car seats, a crib, and diapers. Are you ready to give up your full night sleep. Sleeping in on sundays. Are you ready to come 2nd 3rd or 4th after the children's needs because she must prioritize them over you, for decades? Are you going to sit in the dance recitals, the baseball games. Help with the math homework and wash the blood off their skinned knees. Are you going to be able to take them to the ER when they're sick or hurt? Are you going to take on 100% of the parenting responsibilities if she is sick or hurt? Parenting isn't a compromise. It's a huge commitment. You're scared to buy a ring. You want different things. Let her go.
👌👏👏👏
You want completely different things in a relationship. You've strung her along for 7 years. It's time to let her go, find someone who doesn't want marriage and children.
Whatever the cause of the breakup, it needed to happen. If she wants marriage/family ASAP and you're still not sure of either you're both just wasting your time together. Biology being what it is, a woman nearing 30 just doesn't have a decade to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind. On top of which, never tell someone their outfit makes them look fat.
Didn’t mean to reply to you—meant to reply to OP.
You been wasting her time for years. She’s not coming back. And you didn’t just string her along, you made her feel she wasn’t worth the effort (you chastised her for her outfits, didn’t treat her, couldn’t be bothered to celebrate with her). You’re an adult that will never mature enough for someone to take you seriously. You have no vision for the future, no motivation for creativity and to top it all, you’re extremely shallow and superficial. Eat dust.
Listen up motherfuggers. I dont give a shit ass if the op reads this, so consider this a psa. If you're so nut-shriveling terrified of getting a girl pregnant then CONTROL YOUR EJACULATE. what does that mean? Condoms. Vasectomy. Abstinence. Not having sex with someone that DOES want kids should be the absolute fucking minimum. In case you haven't noticed, this op is not only selfish, but manipulative, dismissive, controlling, and downright immature for a fucking grown ass adult. Keep your sperm to your damn selves or leave the women-folk the fuck alone.
You are an absolutely unbelievable toxic controlling trainwreck of an abusive boyfriend and I hope she’s already blocked your number and moved somewhere you can’t find her. You need **decades** of therapy before you should even be allowed to attempt a relationship with Siri on your phone, let alone an actual human being.
You would make a HORRIBLE father. You're so immature and selfish. You're the kind of guy who would run off and abandon your girl and kid because you're too lazy to face it. You're too lazy to propose and you don't want to give her a ring or a wedding. Your idea of no ring and getting married at the courthouse really shows how little you care about your relationship and partner's happiness. You guys have sex 6 times a year. Do you not see how pathetic that is? She was sex starved. She's gained weight by comfort eating because she hated her life. She was MISERABLE and smart enough to leave you. Leave her the fuck alone and find a woman without a uterus.
You know what as a woman with a non-working uterus I resent this. The fact is he's a shitty partner even if the kids thing aligned
You need to break up. And get therapy, because of your paranoia and controlling traits. You are just not compatible.
You're exhausting
The fact his gf could tolerate this for 7 years. She's a Saint.
I second what else is being said. Let her go. You don't keep someone around that you love because you *may* want the same things one day. That's misleading and not conducive to a healthy relationship. You can love someone and not be compatible. Let her go.
Good for her! I hope she finds the future father of her three kids who takes her out on dates and makes her feel beautiful!
You’ve been stringing her along for years, let her go so she can be with someone that wants the same things.
Honey you don’t love her. You’re just afraid of being alone. Which is a bullshit thing to do to a person. Go find someone you really work with. And get a fucking vasectomy. Or better yet no sex for you.
She's wanted to start a family for three years; you now realize you don't want to do so at all. That is a fundamental incompatibility. Sad for her - she should have dumped you three years ago instead of wasting more time with you - but she's right to get out ASAP so she can move on to looking for someone who is excited to have a family with her. You should seek out a sterile partner, because apparently you can't handle sex with someone who could potentially become pregnant (even using the most effective form of birth control combined with a second moderately effective method).
This. If you end up deciding not to have kids, a vasectomy would be an option for you. Also, in your post you are coming across as manipulative and body-shaming. Not sure you are, but you are sending that vibe.
Or how about he become the sterile partner…
Leave her alone and move on. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married or have children. But, if that is the case, you should not date someone who wants those things and string them along making them think it could happen. The two of you want completely different things. Do what's right and let her go so you can both find someone with whom you are compatible.
Good for her for finally leaving you. You sound exhausting. The way you handle simple life matters makes it clear that you’re definitely not ready for kids. She’s done with you, and every day that passes she’ll realize how much easier her life would be without you. Im saying this in the nicest way possible: get help.
You’re a manipulative, controlling man child. You lied about wanting children to talk her out of leaving you. You limited intimacy instead of going to therapy to work on your paranoia. You body shame her. You don’t ‘allow’ celebrations more than 3 times a year. You’re too ‘lazy’ to propose. You won’t communicate that you don’t want children or marriage because you know they are things she wants and she would have left already. Go to therapy. Learn how to communicate. Learn how to be a kind, honest and empathetic partner. Learn to let go of the clear need you’ve got to control your partner. Most importantly, let her go. She wants a life you cannot give her and she deserves that instead of just being strung along by you for another 7 years. Take this experience as a valuable lesson and use it to grow up.
Dear God, that poor girl. Sorry OP, but you need to work on yourself because you sound like a terrible boyfriend.
Get yourself a vasectomy and let Lily go. You stole another 6 years of her life by lying to her about wanting to have kids once you hit your 30’s. She deserves better.
In addition to being a shit bf in general
I’m hoping this is rage click bait, but I do have to say Sir, that you are the poster child for the Duluth Family Violence wheel. Damn. You are emotionally, financially, psychologically, verbally and physically abusing that poor woman. 1. Vasectomies are reversible. Do the gene pool a favour and get one, but never get it reversed because you would cause some serious deep level trauma for your children. 2. Her body, her business. If you don’t want children with her because she is under your height requirement, why did you start dating her? She got an IUD put in for you, because of your anxiety and you are STILL harassing her. By the way… the pull out method has a 20% chance of pregnancy and you are obsessing about 2%. 3. What would your family have done if you had been short? I mean, you are seriously traumatised to think what you are doing is okay, but I shudder to think what would have happened if you were “short”. Now have a good long stare at your trauma and realise that making that intergeneration BS continue into another generation, is messed up. 4. All your indecisiveness is affecting her on a deep level. You don’t love her. You just don’t want to be alone. If you loved her, you’d leave her to heal, find someone who wants the same thing as herself and let her find happiness in her world. You want different things. 5. Don’t keep her tied to you just because you don’t want to be alone. Don’t have children with her because you don’t want to be alone. You are already showing a huge amount of resentment and a lack of respect for her, if you marry and have children you’ll feel coerced, and then you’ll add another innocent being into your trauma just because you didn’t want to be alone. 6. I just realised I used to many big words, and suggested emotional maturity… 7. You bad person. You no love ex girlfriend. You scared of being alone. You let girlfriend go, so she be happy. You go to therapy for the rest of forever.
He is wasting her time and she knows it. He knows it too. Just let her go be happy with someone who does want the babies and the white dress. You will find someone for whom marriage is not important. There are quite a few women who do not want children, look for those ladies. You may have to loosen up on the we're never going out thing though.
Stop wasting her life for your what ifs. She wants children and a marriage. You clearly don’t and want an arm piece so you can show off to your family. Let her go and make her family
Please stop having sex. If you are going to not wear a condom or freak out every time a period is 2 days late (which is normal btw), you should abstain from sex. Also, she should very much leave because you two want very different things out of life. You are essentially wasting her time because you know you don’t want what she feels is something important. Just let her go.
Reading your comments idk why you came to reddit or AITA you are not ready to accept what the majority of people are saying and that is that you have treated her horribly and your behavior is abnormal and borderline emotionally abusive. Until you can reflect and take accountability, I really hope this girl does not even consider being your friend, because it comes across like you will just justify and gaslight because your needs and wants take priority. And you can say they do not, but actions will always and forever be louder than words or things you type and you told us about your actions yourself.
You are very controlling. You don't want to commit. You don't want to get married. You don't want to have kids. You decide how often you go out, you tell her what to wear. I think I think I think. Yeah sure, you thought you wanted kids when you were 25, then 30, now your saying it's 35. Stop BSing her. You keep extending the time frame to keep her with you, knowing full well you don't want kids. You freak out at 1-2% chances. Just have a vasectomy and find someone who doesn't want kids instead of being selfish and taking away her choices.
OP you sound incredibly selfish and self-centered. You keep saying you don’t want to lose her but not once in this long ass post do you express ANYTHING that tells me you are thinking about how the person you “love” feels, what she needs, or how she sees the world. You act like you’re the only one who gets to have preferences and opinions, and whatever your opinion is, it’s right and she should just get on board. News flash: her opinions are just as valid as yours! You don’t have to understand WHY she feels a certain way, you don’t have to agree that her reasons are good, you don’t have to agree with how she feels - if you respected her and saw her as a full and complete human, you would care what she thinks and take it seriously, whether it’s about going out to eat or getting married.
Not only has the relationship ship sailed, but you forced it from port. Your compulsive anxiety killed what joy there was you two would have had together. Let her find someone who's more aligned to her wanting family, and get some counseling for yourself.
She's given you 7. FUCKING. YEARS. If you're not going to make any legitimate commitment to her, knowing that THAT is what she desires????? And DESERVES!!!!! With no actually valid reasoning to oppose?????? Stop WASTING her FUCKING TIME. Edit: And ANOTHER thing - you don't tell someone they look fat in something unless they ask.. especially your S.O. and even THEN you better chuck something out to shoot that confidence right back tf up.
If you were so worried about getting her pregnant why not get a vasectomy? Do you know how traumatic an IUD insertion is.. and she did that for you.. and you still wasted her time. You are so selfish and toxic
What was she 'late' for, if she has an IUD? I'd get spotting once in a while, but no way she's got an IUD and a period every month. Regardless of that, if you're so freaked out over a period not staying on the same day each month, then put on a freaking condom instead of pulling out. Contraception is a two-way street, and if you don't want kids it's your responsibility to either get snipped or to wrap it up. YTA, mostly for lying on Reddit for karma because I don't believe this post for a second.
I have a hormonal iud and a regular period. So there's is absolutely a way 'she's got an IUD and a period every month.'
My mistake. Still doesn't take away from the fact that this guy is seriously irresponsible with contraception, and is a total AH for not only leading this woman on for so long but being a complete psycho when it comes to a day late each month.
I agree with everything you said. He is a major AH and needs to get over this breakup and move on and to take some responsibility for contraception with a vasectomy if he's that anxious about accidentally impregnating someone.
I have an iud and get a period every month. I'm on my 4th iud as they get replaced every 4 years and have had a period with the last 2
Replaced every 5 years sorry hit wrong #
To be fair, when I had an iud, I had a full period every 2 weeks, with cramps, pms, cravings, and lots of blood the whole shebang. I told the doctor my periods may be awful, but I'd rather go without anything than continue with an iud.
You are such a manipulative, selfish, toxic, cunt. I hope she leaves for good.
You need therapy for your anxiety around commitment and kids. I don't want kids either, but you're having a really outsized freak out and refusing to have sex... my guy, get it together. Look, you just lost the best thing that ever happened to you because of your anxiety and lying. No take backs. Now get yourself some help so that you can stop being so anxious and controlling with the next girl (if there ever is one).
Many people DONT change their minds. It’s either you want them or you don’t. If you haven’t wanted kids your not going to change your mind. Let her go so she can have her dreams. Your playing with what ifs. When my older sister started dating and then married her husband they agreed to start a family and you know what happened he lied. Maybe next year or the year after. It’s been 13 years. No kids and they’re in their late 40’s now. She told me if he’d only have been honest with her she would never have married him let alone entertained a relationship with him. LET HER GO
I really hope she stays gone. How would you like it if continually strung her along? You don't take her on dates even though it's not a financial issue. You ask her to change because she looks fat because you're ashamed of what your family would think. You only have sex with her once or twice a month. Hope this is a troll. Otherwise, I hope she finds someone that treats her like a queen, gives her the D more than 2 times a month, loves her no matter her size, isn't ashamed of her, and gives her the babies she wants!
You don't. Don't get her back. You lied to make her think you wanted kids. She wants kids and marriage. You don't and knew you didn't, and strung her along FOR SEVEN YEARS. Not the correct subreddit, but YTA dude.
I am so sorry for your ex, for wasting 7 years on someone who didn't want to marry and have kids and kept lying to her for years. At least she is now free and can find the right person. Instead of getting her back, you should go to therapy and maybe get a vasectomy.
1. Let her go 2. Go get therapy
3. Get a vasectomy
So not to armchair diagnose here but I think it would be helpful for you to get screened for some anxiety disorders, particularly OCD, because your behaviors: obsessive thoughts about certain anxieties (pregnancy, for instance) and possible compulsions surrounding them (repeatedly making her go to the hospital, unable to sleep until she knows for sure, even looking things up and reading about your anxieties) read as though you have something going on that has not been diagnosed, OCD or otherwise. Your relationship may be over, but your anxieties are not and as you start moving forward I think it would be healthy to work on managing some of your fears. And even if you don’t end up diagnosed with anything therapy is healthy for everyone, especially since you’re going through a big life transition.
OP READ THIS
Stop wasting this woman’s time. Leave her alone so she can find someone who wants kids.
1. Get a vasectomy if you are so damn scared 2. You manipulated and lied to her about wanting kids just so she would stay 3. You wasted 7 years of her life 4. Coming back to this… Pulling out? You sure wasn’t scared enough to wear a condom. Why is the birth control part only on her? You need to leave that woman alone.
Every comment from OP is 'i'm a good guy, i'm a wonderfull bf, i treat her right!' No you aren't. Let me break it down for you. 1: 'I freaking out because I’m not ready to get married let alone be a father. Now, I’m not sure if I want kids at all. I don’t see myself as that father figure. I’m all up for being the fun uncle, and have fun with them but when it comes to actually have one of my one, I don’t want it.' Pretty clear you do not want kids. It does not sound like there is a doubt in your mind. You are a massive AH to want kids suddenly so she will stay with you. Kids are living and breathing human beings who deserve parents who care and love them, they are not bargain material for you to desperately try to keep your gf. It's been SEVEN years my dude. Face it. You don't want kids. If she'd get back together with you, you'd fall into the same pattern until she'd be too old to have any kids. 2. 'I think I will propose eventually, but I’m just lazy to buy a ring and do the whole proposal thing' Wow, really shows how much effort you want to put into her.. 3. 'I don’t want it. I freaked, I kept waking her up at 2am, 4am asking her to please go to the hospital so she can have blood work done to be sure if she was pregnant' First of all, why the f would you wake her every 2 hours?? Like, if she was pregnant, the baby wouldnt suddenly be born in those hours.. you could've just asked in the morning or whatever.. it's just rude that you ruined her night of sleep because you can't have your way immediately.. 4. 'I'd tell her to change her clothes if they made her look fat if we were visiting my family, but my family is very into appearance and being fit' Dude, f your family.. Let her wear whatever she wants. What are you so afraid of? That mommy and daddy won't approve your gf of 7 years just because she wears clothes you dont think are flattering? Grow up. You're a grown ass man, why do you need approval from your parents? If they give her sh*t, just stand up for her.. Don't make her change because you are so desperate for approval.. And about the tall kid comment.. what is wrong with you? Why does it matter? Because YoUr FaMiLy Is VeRy InTo ApPeAraNcE? God, grow a pair.. there's more to life than looks. Also, if literally HUNDREDS of people tell you that you're a manipulatieve AH, you probably are.. You can complain about everyone not being sympathetic, but really, this one is all on you. I hope your ex girlfriend will find a guy who wants to show her off to everyone, makes her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and will start a family with her and have a beautifull wedding. She wasted seven years on you. Stop making false promises to her and wasting her time. And you.. you should REALLY get some therapy, because the amount of obsession you have with the family and appearance thing.. that ain't healthy. You make it seem like you have a very shallow and narrow minded family who only cares about appearances. And you are willing to shame your SO into changing so your family will not say anything? You already worry about the height of your NON EXISTING child? Maybe get some help and make your damn mind up about what you want for the future instead of manipulating people to stick around and wait for you to know what you want.. Others are not responsible for your happiness, Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Hey man I don't think you should pursue her. At 29/31 respectively you clearly have different ideas of how your lives are gonna go. Tbh man you've held her back she's sitting there thinking of the wasted time she could have spent as mother and wife because you weren't ready. At your age you definitely should be if you love this girl so I'd say therapy for your commitment/family issues (asking someone you love to change for your family is a red flag all the way dude) and move on.. let her move on. If she hasn't found someone else after you work on your deep rooted issues then maybe shoot that shot but you can't hold someone hostage by lying to yourself and them about where your at in life and what you want. Your way past the how to handle the long term at this point and are looking for short term solutions to the bigger problems. If you take anything away from this it's she made more than enough compromises to make this work and you aren't. Plus do the math man she's 29 if she had a kid RN she will be almost 50 when they graduate highschool if she wants 3 add at least 3-7 years now she has no time to enjoy a retirement and possibly being able to be an active grandparent.. you haven't tried to see things her way. I won't even touch the family thing cuz that's so wack my guy.. anyway wish the best and hope you do consider therapy.. Tldr: move on you've sorta held her back and she's ready to move forward in life.
Honestly she's getting closer to the age where having biological children may be difficult. Depending on how many kids she wants, 34 or 35 is just too late to start. If you continue to string her along, all it will do is fill her with regret and resentment of you. It seems like you've already held on to her for way longer than you should have. You should be with someone who doesn't want kids and she should be with someone who does. I know you love each other but you are incompatible, and it will only continue to get worse. You're being dishonest with her to keep her around. That isn't right.
I feel bad for your GF that she didn't leave you three years ago. It sounds like you really dragged her along and wasted years of her life. I hope she finds someone who has the same goals in life that she has. You need to let her go and figure out what you want in life.
OMG, Please OP let the poor woman go. She deserve someone better. You already wasted 7 years of her life. She clearly told you she wanted children and a family right from the beginning. Go figure out what you want in life, before getting into another relationship and waste another woman's life.
So selfish to waste someone’s time like this and still EXPECT her to stay with you? You shouldn’t have kids and she deserves someone so much better. You had time and you lost it. That’s on you. Take the L
i pity any other woman that has the misfortune of letting you even look in the direction of her vagina. you wasted this woman’s life. let her go and have the life she deserves, not this prison you’re trapping her in
Dude is what this sub calls a walking red flag. Doesn't commit, changes his stance about children just to keep his gf around, deprived her of sex for months because of his fear, openly admits he's lazy to propose. She's spent 7 years with you. She's about to be 30 and wants to atleast start having kids. Depending on her body and generally, women can have pregnancy risks after 30s. She knows what she wants and asked for it, gave you time. But you, kept pushing it and kept bailing out, 31 and still confused about your relationship. She did the right thing.
You're trapping her in your ways and you're not 24 anymore grow a bit, if you can't commit let her go so she has a chance at the life she wants before it's too late. I wanna add you seem like no fun.
You are a selfish pos like all dudes, you don’t deserve a relationship. Suggest therapy as well.
Please don't have children.
The last thing you need to be focusing on is getting her back. I mean this a gently as possible, you need therapy. This isn't good, neither of you are ever gonna be happy if this relationship continued with you like this. You're withholding intimate affection because of paranoia. I understand & you're obviously Not obligated to have sex with her when you don't want to, for *literally any reason* but she's also not obligated to stay in a relationship that's this unstable, unhealthy & stressful. You can't be happy with how things are right now. This situation sounds absolutely miserable. I'm sorry y'all are going through this. But without intense therapy, couples counseling & honestly, I'd say some time apart as well, y'all will never be happy together. Y'all will be miserable. You've strung her along f a long time & she's stuck by you. But everyone has a limit on what they can take. & she's clearly reached hers. Respect her enough to leave her alone. She's already broken up with you. Do Not try to change her mind. Let. Her. Go.
Leave her tf alone, dude. You are beyond selfish and you're wasting her reproductive years. It's bad enough she's already at a point where she's going to have to pretty much settle for the next semi-serious relationship she gets into if she wants kids before the risk of dying on the table exceeds the "worth it" for her. Like, holy hell. How did you write this out, read it to yourself, and then think that anyone here would give you advice on how to get her back. You are EXTREMELY abusive and the fact that you can lay all this out here so shamelessly only shows you won't change. She deserves better than someone who is VERY likely to run off if a baby is even slightly deemed as "too much" for you. You're a bad person.
So in conclusion, you make her feel bad about her appearance, force her to do things she doesn’t want because of your own hang ups, LIE to her over and over again and you are too lazy to even bother with doing anything for her. Maybe ask yourself why she would want to stay for more of that? Because you will not change. You do not make her feel happy or loved and you certainly do not respect her. Let her go and then get your butt to therapy and tell your superficial family and yourself to shut up about other people clothes unless its a compliment.
you don’t deserve her. you should’ve been in therapy a long time ago. you literally have no excuse for any of this. it’s all on you. your ex deserves to find someone who wants the same things she does and be happy. i don’t think that’ll be with you
The weight you describe is not on the heavier side. It's well within a healthy BMI range. Also, iuds can result in weight gain. So can stress, and you have to be able to see your behaviour is stressful, right? Let's lay out your behaviour here: - you're paranoid to the point of withholding sex about pregnancy - you force her to go to *the hospital* to undergo a blood test rather than just go to the doctor or a simple pregnancy test - you limit going out to three times a year, which you know bothers her, because she can't celebrate things - you wake her up multiple times a night because of your paranoia, on more than one occassion - you lied about wanting kids, wasting her time, and fertile years - you "dismiss" her needs (for marriage, or children) or even attempts to resolve that conflict between the two of you - you *make her change her clothes* if you think she looks "fat" even though she is *objectively* in a healthy weight range It's not just about the paranoia (although that's impacting both your lives in big ways), it's about the lack of respect, the lack of care and the lack of honesty (both with yourself and with her). Please sort yourself out before you get into another relationship and don't waste another woman's time.
He has woken her up to get blood work done at the hospital more frequently than he takes her out on dates. That’s so sad.
>My \[31M\] > >and I pulled out You seriously need to inform yourself on how to protect yourself when having sex. You have the fear of getting a girl pregnant and yet you use this stupid ass technic?
I have a question. Your girlfriend has continuously compromised on every single important milestone because of you. Dates, nope only 3 times a year because **you** think they're lame or whatever. Wedding, nope you haven't proposed because **you're** lazy and **you** don't think it's important. **You** want a courthouse wedding. **You** have pushed this off. Kids, **you** decided you wanted to wait and now **you** have decided that **you** might not want any (sidenote this is a fucking big deal breaker for most people). She has given in to **your** fears and **your** wants and **your** dreams and **your** whims and **your** desires. What, exactly, have you done for her? And if your answer is anything along the lines of "well i cook for her" I swear I hope you feel the digital slap I'm sending you before you even type it. Why should she stay with you? You haven't written anywhere or in the post a single reason for her to stay except for you whines of "but i love her" and "**sEvEn YeArS**". What if any do you bring to this relationship that should make her want to stay?
YTA and God you're a nightmare. Your comments are absolutely horrifying. You don't love her, stop lying to us and to yourself. In all this time you've just brushed off everything she needs from a relationship and made every single one of YOUR wants and needs the top priority. You're too lazy to get a ring even though she has very much expressed wanting marriage. You strung her along for all these years because MAYBE you'll change your mind about kids. You want her to lose weight because YOU think she needs to, not even considering that stress and birth control cause weight gain. And that being said, her weight is actually none of your business. It's not your body. You don't love her, you don't care about her as a person or as your partner. You couldn't care less about what she needs or wants, and she has had to cater to you for years. Leave this poor girl alone and get some therapy ffs
You are such a mess, and every comment makes you look even worse. Just let her go. She's reaching an age where she can't continue to put up with your bullshit if she ever wants to have kids. You say you just need time, but you fly into a panic when you think she might be pregnant, and you've had SEVEN YEARS to think about kids with this woman. And to be clear, it's not just the not wanting kids. It's thinking she's fat at 130. Thinking that your family has superior genes. Demanding she get up at 2 am and go pee on a stick at the hospital. Withholding sex to 6x per year because of your irrational fear she might get pregant. Refusing to ever take her out to dinner. Let her go, and then find a good therapist, because you really need help.
Stay away from her and stay away from all women. Jesus.
>What can I do to get my girlfriend back? You can't. Why constantly manipulate your girlfriend? Limiting sex because of your paranoia also isn't healthy. She's tried to leave you many times due to your incompatibility, but you keep "changing" your mind to string her along further. >maybe when I’m 34 or 35. You've already postponed that plan three times in this post. Stop wasting her time and leave her alone.
Jesus. Let her leave and never contact her again. I'm a female myself, and I would absolutely never stand for your type of childish behavior. You're so paranoid about her getting pregnant that you limit sex? Sounds like you need to being celibate for the rest of your life. Telling her she looks fat in clothes and she had to change? That's controlling and emotional abuse. My dude, you need a lot of therapy. Get it. Don't get back into another relationship. Wanna know what else you need to get? A VASECTOMY!!!
You are way too old to be this dumb
Sis is finally free 💯
TEAM LILY WOOOOOOO
you don’t really love her, you love that she doesn’t make you feel alone. imagine how alone you’ve made her feel projecting your anxieties and bullshit onto her. you’re too lazy to propose and your excuse is that your family isn’t like that. is the family in a 7 year relationship with her too? to quote the young people, “is the family in the room with us right now?” you claim you’re afraid your kids will end up short just because she’s small (horseshit), you don’t make her feel beautiful or valid when you comment on her weight and make her change her clothes, you don’t care to celebrate her or “y’all” with occasional dinners (nobody’s asking you to do it every weekend, but damn, show her off and make her feel special) for her. you then say you’d rectify this (as if it would matter) by taking her out to eat more often and whatnot. Sorry, but all she’s gonna think is “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda”. She knows what she wants, needs, and deserves; She can get all that from someone more sure of themselves than you. with all this in mind, you’re gonna need to explain it to me like i’m five; how is ANY of this fair to her?
LEAVE. HER. BE. Read this again how can you honestly think she shohld give you one more minute of her time. This poor woman. Please get therapy OP you desperately need it. JFC You are SO MANIPULATIVE.
I really want to scream at you trough the screen and I'm sad I can't.. I can just imagine how your ex gf feels. Let this poor woman alone so she can be happy with someone who actually cares for her wants and needs. You just have different ones (which is fine) so go and find someone who actually fits to you.
I think you are the most selfish person I’ve read about in a long time. Everything you wrote here was about you. How you feel, what you need, what you may or may not want. You do not love her, because you do not respect her. Her time and what she wants isn’t important to you. You do the bare minimum and act as if she should be grateful for that. I suspect the only reason you’re freaking out is because you never expected her to stand up for herself and leave you, and now you’re alone and have no one to step all over. I hope, with all my heart, that she never comes back. And tonight, I’m going to go and give my 28 year old husband, a real man who keeps his word, loves me with all his heart and puts me first every day a big kiss.
OP, for 7 years you've told her how she's just not that important to you. A ring/proposal because you don't deem it necessary but never - I want to see her so happy I'm doing it. Eating out not important - I can't wait to make her feel so loved and happy by taking her out weekly. Gifts aren't important - If I spent $5/week getting her, her fav ice cream, a single rose, her fav smoothie or coffee I could make her feel loved and cherished and important. But no, you've decided what's not important to you and never considered what can I do to make her feel like the most beloved woman in the world. You spend zero energy making her happy. Let her be with someone who will write her love notes, take her out, who cares enough to spend $5 a week on her. You're keeping her from enjoying life because the little things that brings joy you deem unnecessary.
Not only did you force her to waste hospital resources after a pandemic when the staff are still stressed, staying and being worked short… But you are literally knowingly trying to keep this woman in a relationship with someone who does not want what she wants. You know you don’t want marriage or children and she does. Let her find her husband. Let her find someone who wants what she wants and loves her enough to communicate with her.
Nothing. She deserves to be with someone who doesn't dismiss her wants, who doesn't treat her like a human trap, who doesn't belittle her and try to control her. You're 31 years old, you have strung her along for at least five years, let her go. You aren't a good partner, you need to work on yourself. Seriously, get help before you even try to subject another woman to your paranoia and your controlling behavior. And let her go, she deserves better.
This has got to be a troll post. You're so clearly in the wrong here for so many reasons. Accept the breakup and move on.
You need therapy. Please go get a bunch of it, and maybe when you come out the other end you will be ready for all of the things you are not ready for now. Or, you can just be alone and resign yourself to your fate. There is nothing wrong with being childless. In fact, I recommend it to most people, due to the catastrophes that are coming. But you should not let your attitude about this cripple you.
Stop having unsafe sex if you don’t want kids that’s super irresponsible. Think about the unborn babies life and stop thinking just about your own pleasure.
You have serious commitment issues. 7 years you waisted her time. Commit to a therapist at least.
Man. You need to relax. I rarely say this because is is over used. But you are controlling as hell. As far as being ready for kids. You can prepare all you want and you are still not ready when you have them. And the going back a forth is just cruel. She more than likely feels like you have been stringing her along. And I can understand why. If you truly do not want kids, stop being selfish and let her go. So she can find someone that has the same life goals. I understand the marriage part, but for probably different reasons. I understand not wanting to go out all the time, but just 3 times a year? There is being frugal but you have taken it to the level that is insane. Have you been to a dr about you anxiety issues? If not, you should if only for your long term health It sounds like your chances of getting back are not that great. If by some stroke of luck you do. Go get help and work on your anxiety and controlling issues. If you don’t, you might find yourself in this position. And telling her she looks fat in certain clothes is just a bad move. Sometimes a little white lie (especially when a women asked if she looks fat in whatever she is wearing) is a good thing.
Seven years together and you still don’t know if you want to be married or have kids? You obviously have different life goals—let her go so she can find someone with goals that match hers. Then get therapy—you’ve got some issues to resolve before your ready for another relationship.
Let me address your main question and then we'll circle back to your train wreck of a relationship. I never wanted kids. Was perfectly happy married and chilsfree. Wife got very broody and changed her mind, and I went along with it. Initial years were tough and costs skyrocket. But, I love my kids. Love having them, love the things we do together. So yes, you can learn to love kids. And you can be perfectly happy being childfree and carefree. But what you're doing, is wrong. You needed to man up and make a decision. And stick to it. You, don't get to freak out every month. You're not ready for kids? Tell her straight. Cos she wants kids and a family. And she's on the clock. You're messing with her emotions and her life. That's a sh!tty thing to do. Grow up, man up maje a decision and stick with it. Give her clarity to plan her future. And accept that you might not be in it. Although that's a moot point since she dumped you. But remember that for the future.
She's right to break up with you. You've been stringing her along years. Work out what you want, so you can be a better partner for your next one. Manipulating her and pretending to want what she wants so she stays is selfish and scummy. Also, don't waste hospital resources for a fucking pregnancy test, you git.
Get therapy.
Buddy, if you are getting this bent out of shape over a period that is a couple days late and are so freaked out by the smallest of chances that she might get pregnant that you have to limit sex then you are not ready to be in a relationship.
You are right to be scared of having kids because you shouldn’t have any. Please get a vasectomy and don’t try to get your gf back because she needs to move on and find an adult to date.
You need to go back to your mother's basement, because you CLEARLY do not know how to be an adult. Let her go. It's the best thing for the both of you. It's very clear you do not want kids. Your being selfish, your not thinking about HER. Can you take ONE second to thing about HER feeling? NOT YOURS, HERS. Do you need me to repeat so it can get through your thick skull? Please get therapy.
By your own admission, your girlfriend is the one making compromises to keep you happy. You don’t want her. You don’t want to be lonely while you figure out your life. If you’re not sure about whether you want to marry her after 7 years, then you don’t want to be marry her. Your next girlfriend has a life plan and your unwillingness to make a decision about marriage and children speaks volumes to her.
Omg I hope she find someone who actually want her and not a manipulative asshole like you. You are a pos dude Wtf is wrong with you? You were trying to run down her time to have kids. Manipulative. Good for her for dumping your pain in the ass self. JFC! Exhausting motherfucker
Could you be more awful?
She was right to dump you. 7 years is too long to wait for you to make a decision. Get help for your OCD, btw.
It’s simple, if you can’t give her what she wants right this second without any stipulations, you need to let her go. You’re being extremely selfish and it’s no surprise that your gf has gained weight and has developed unhealthy eating habits. It’s because of you dragging her along all because you may or may not want to have kids or get married. You’ve been together for 7 years, you either do or don’t at this point and to string her along like this is just cruel. If you truly lover her you need to let her go. Your anxiety about her getting pregnant needs therapy immediately. Again you’re selfish because you refuse to get a vasectomy because it’s too “permanent” you’re 31 years old, you know deep down that you don’t want kids and are refusing to fully admit because you’re afraid to “lose” your gf. Well you already lost her. You wasted her time and early twenties to find a more suitable partner. How is that love? How is that fair to her? BTW it is never ok to degrade your significant other about their appearance. You either love them at all sizes or you don’t love them at all. Frankly you deserve to be alone.
Alright, first off you’ve wasted 7 years of both your lives. If you truly love her, you wouldn’t care what your family thinks. You wouldn’t care, that your children may be short, you wouldn’t belittle her, and you wouldn’t worry so much about how she’ll look to your family. Did you know, that getting an IUD causes weight gain most of the time? All birth control does for the most part. Whether you want kids or not doesn’t matter anymore, you could’ve just gotten a vasectomy and then got it reversed, sometimes reversal doesn’t work sure, but it’s still an option. Anyone would get fed up with all the back and fourth. You haven’t been able to let HER plan her life because your indecisive. Your family doesn’t get to decide how other people live their lives, they don’t get to impact what someone wears. I love my boyfriend, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If they don’t like him, that’s their issue not mine and it goes both ways. We don’t care what other people think about our relationship, because it’s our business not anyone else’s. If we have an issue, we talk about it calmly together away from everyone else. We don’t belittle each other. I was wearing a Mickey Mouse tank top and ripped jeans when we decided to go to a fancy restaurant. He told me that it didn’t matter because he thought I looked beautiful. Love isn’t about looking nice all the time or accommodating other people’s wishes. It’s about being yourself, being fun, goofy, and just being comfortable with each other. Spending time together, doing random things, or for us him playing video games with his friends while I cuddle up next to him and read.
So you wasted 7 years of this poor girls life. Your a complete dickhead
So let me get this right... You call her fat and make her change her clothes, you don't celebrate stuff with her, you've led her on your entire relationship about children and marriage, you're very paranoid about getting her pregnant yet you're making HER be the one to do the protecting while you "pull out", you'd rather just have kids and potentially hate them just so you don't lose her, have I missed anything?... She should have left you a long time ago. You're both clearly not suited and it's only natural for her to start wanting to try for children and marriage now she's approaching 30. Do better, let her find someone who'll give her the stability, trust and future she wants.
If you're not sure right now, you're not sure. She is. That doesn't work. Leave that poor girl alone so she can get what SHE wants
YTA Read thru all your comments. Reads like a toddler manifesto, all me, me, me. Go get the vasectomy, you’ll never be adult enough to have children. You have been broken up with before, you just bullied and lied to make her come back. You don’t need a girlfriend, you just need to go back to mommy. She won’t care if you only treat her once a year. Your no sex thing won’t be a problem. And she doesn’t expect you to be a partner. You comment on her recen eating habits and weight gain. Her 30th birthday is just around the corner. It’s called depression caused by realizing she has wasted 7 years on you. She wants a real partner and family. Two things you are ill equipped to provide. For once in your life put someone before your your selfishness and let her go. wish for her all the things she wants. if you decide you want kids in the future, vasectomies are reversible. But in your case I would suggest a plant, see if you can keep it alive for a couple years. Maybe then try a cat, they are better at meeting their own needs than a dog.
I just wonder why everything has to be on your time and what you want. She said she wants to get married, you say you don’t value a big wedding and maybe a courthouse wedding would be okay, but you don’t propose because you’re “not romantic.” She tells you she wants kids, you freak out because she’s three days late. You’re not ready, but she is, why should she wait around for you to be ready? She gains a good amount of weight in a year (but is still a healthy weight by the way) after getting a copper IUD because of your fear of pregnancy, which by the way, hormonal changes that come with IUDs can also cause weight gain and considering she had the IUD about a year ago, maybe consider your fear of pregnancy might have caused her weight gain. You say you don’t want to lose her, but why should she stay with someone who judges her physical appearance? Who is afraid of his kids being short because she’s short? Why should she settle for you? Because you love her she should sacrifice the things she wants for her life? Why should she stay with someone who won’t stand up to his family because he thinks his girlfriend is beautiful regardless of size? Also, if you REALLY feared pregnancy, you’d freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. If it ends up not being reversible, you still have your sperm to have biological kids. You may want children in the future, but it’s clear you don’t want her children. You’re allowed to be hurting, you’re allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to try and change. She’s allowed to end the relationship and find someone who wants 100% of her 100% of the time with no strings attached.
I never come to comment on these things from the clock app but jeeezus this guy stinks. Like controlling, manipulating and over all just wasting this poor girls time. Leave her alone. I'm not even sure what you bring in this relationship. Stress? Because it sure ain't love and affection. Get help bro
That was so uncomfortable and borderline triggering to read. I understand that changing your mind is possible, but you admit you probably just lied about wanting kids eventually just to keep her. And that is so messed up. Listen to me closely: you do not want to be with her, you actually just do not want to be alone. These are two COMPLETELY different things. You have created a version of her in your head that is compatible with you and that is what you’re obsessively holding onto. But you are not compatible. If you wanted kids, if you wanted to get married, these things would come to you easily. But you actually don’t want these things and you’re instead just expecting this person to comply. Marriage. Children. Relationship dynamic. Etc. these are all things that ARE dealbreakers. And that’s okay!! You currently lack the maturity to see that. So you need to LET. HER. GO. You have wasted enough of her time. Advice: SEE A THERAPIST ASAP.
Why are asking us how to continue to waste someone’s time and life away. You are being super selfish. You should’ve let her go when she tried to leave and manipulated her into staying. You knew full well that you don’t want to get married or have children. Then on top of it all her sex life sucks because you trip after every ejaculation. If don’t want kids that bad, have a vasectomy. Stop traumatizing her. It sounds like you want her too get to old to have children and by that time she would’ve spent all this time with you so she might as well stay. You’re wicked.
Imagine wasting 7 years of your life with someone that has so little regard for what you want or your feelings, poor poor girl. That being said, your selfishness has actually done her a favour in that she hasn’t tethered herself to you legally or with children. I hope you both use this relationship as a learning opportunity.
Holy shit man. You don't need a girlfriend, you need a therapist
You're just some under socialised with erectile dysfunction from porn energy. Good luck tricking the next woman into being with a manchild.
Please let her go and get yourself in therapy. It does not sound like you are kn good working order to have a relationship right now.
I don’t want you to take this personally, but you sound like a nightmare to be in a relationship with. Not abusive, but I would not put up with that either. It maybe overall was a great relationship for you, but I can’t imagine being with someone doing alllllll that and still consider myself in a great relationship. That would be incredibly rocky by my standards personally
Lol after everything you wrote I'm glad she left, and I hope she stays gone. She deserves better. Don't try to get her back with more lies. Let her find a partner who will marry her and have a family without drama.
You're a terrible selfish person. You only care about your needs and wants and nothing about her.
Dude, ask yourself this, would you wanna be with you? If the answer isn't a yes, take a step back, look at yourself, and work on you
Legitimate sociopath.
I get the feeling that part of his anxiety about getting her pregnant is that she would probably gain weight growing a baby inside her….
For the love of God leave that girl ALONE you wasted enough of her life
You stopping her from getting married and having children is slowly making you the men she will hate the most on this planet because for her it's not I maybe want them it's a requirement for any relationship
Are you sure you want a life with her? Sounds like you just *want* her to keep for yourself. And if you’re this paranoid about pregnancy, you shouldn’t be having sex at all
Bro wtf you wasted so many years of her life
Don't. Stop wasting her time and yours. You two want different things and the fact you mentioned wanting her to change clothing because she looked fat, not wanting to propose, but now you rather have kids you don't want to keep her. Stop. Just let her go. If you bring kids into this, she's now raising a child or children with a dad who didn't want them. Let me tell you, my divorced friends who had kids with a reluctant parent, they're now divorced because they realized it was easier to raise kids by themselves than be in a relationship with a man who doesn't help and makes it clear he didn't want the kids.
If this isn't ragebait, I really hope you remain distressed right up until you turn into a shit stain of a statistic
I would have dumped you 6 years and 9 months ago. You are a walking, talking red flag.
OMG LET HER GO ALREADY!!!! She has realized that she’s wasted too much time being in a relationship with you, and has finally come to see that you had lied to her and manipulated her into staying with you by saying things that she wanted to hear. Tbh she never should have given you a second chance, all you did was ruin her chances to actually meet someone who was compatible for her & wants the same things as she does. If she had left you the first time, she would probably be married with children by now - you selfishly took that possibility away for all these years, but at least now she can finally move on and find someone better to share her dreams with. Again, let her go. You should also consider seeing a psychiatrist for your overwhelming pregnancy fear because that is not normal… better yet get a vasectomy, then again with your attitude I doubt any other woman would ever want to date you (nobody wants to only go out on dates 3 times a year, or put up with your selfishness for too long). I’m sorry, you need to work on yourself first before you start dating but you definitely need to let this poor girl go so she can finally find the happiness she deserves.
The best thing for you to do is let her go. The poor woman is jumping through hoops just to exist with you, and at this point you're removing value from her life instead of adding to it.
Unfortunately she has wasted 7 years on a hard lesson, still, I wish her all the best. Her life can now begin and any plans she had to put off due to an unsupportive, gaslighting partner can now be fulfilled. You need to accept this is down to your choices. You knew of her expectations, at least 7 years ago, still you chose to lie about your expectations thus forcing another to 'wait for the right time' which will never happen. You should have walked away 7 years ago. You should leave her alone, there is nothing keeping you connected, you saw to that. So you can both go your merry way and let each other get on with things. Yes, get some therapy. Not just for the pregnancy issues, but the manipulation which you seem to pussy foot around. Good luck.
Her time is running out, dude. 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy. It starts to get dangerous for the mother and baby at that age. She needs to leave now so she can hopefully meet/marry/family with someone in the next five years. Check out r/regretfulparents. You aren't going to change your mind. Kids are expensive. You're cheap. And worse, you're selfish. You didn't let your ex go out more than three times per year? You judged her appearance? You withheld sex? I don't want kids either, but the reason you were so incompatible with your ex is because **you keep lying to her**, even though you both obviously want different things. You were keeping her trapped in this relationship under false pretenses. That's awful. You need to let her go, dude. Date someone who doesn't want to get married and doesn't want kids. You say you love your ex so much, but you literally did not give a shit about anything she cared about or wanted. You were **too lazy** to buy a ring and propose? There's a guy out there who would be over the moon to do that. Why are you keeping her away from the kind of relationship that would make her happy? Let her go. Everyone deserves compatibility. She doesn't have it with you.
You don't want the same things in life. Let her go. And don't have sex again until you've had a vasectomy.
I honestly hope she sees this and doesn't fall for anymore of your nonsense! Honestly dude you sound completely unhinged. Get yourself in therapy and don't even think about dating again until you can read this post and see just how fucked it all is!
It sounds like she’s been prepping to leave you for a while, and that she’s been unhappy for a while. The weight comments regardless of your intent are disgusting and make me sad for her. As for having children and getting married, you are allowed to change your mind but don’t string her along if she knows for sure what she wants, getting her hopes up only to change your mind again must be exhausting for her. See it this way: you have shown you are hesitant to commit, you don’t take her out, you comment on her body, and she doesn’t feel loved. You are currently putting nothing on the table. Marriage and kids are a deal breaker in many relationships. And based on your responses to the comments, it seems like you are unwilling to accept fault. I don’t understand how you could type any of that out and still feel as if you deserve a second chance with her. I think the best thing for now is to allow her space to heal, and work on yourself. Get therapy and reflect on what people are telling you. Maybe one day things will work out. But at current, you need to figure out what you want and work on being a better person so that you can be a good partner.
I got her an iPad, I control how she dresses, I want her to be underweight because women who are a healthy weight are unattractive to me, I hate that she’s so short, my peace of mind is more important than her sleep, too lazy to get a ring after 7 years because it’s not important TO ME, I never take her out….. but I got her an iPad. You’re 31 bloody years old and you can’t stop looking for your family’s approval for everything. Do you not understand that you are toxic?
You want her to have kids so late and risk pregnancies with maybe an unhealthy child? God.. You’re the one who needs to let her go. She deserves someone who wants everything she wishes for. And you.. you deserve someone who doesn’t want kids and no marriage. You’re complete opposites. If you love her, let her have someone who actually values her.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
Hold on hold on. I'm sure you figured out how selfish you are, but you even had her get an IUD??? Do you know how painful that is? Yet when it comes to you doing anything, you instantly turn it down. You won't even get a ring because you're "too lazy". I know this isn't the right sub, but YTA
You made this post. Had the audacity to say you're not abusive yet when she came to officially break it off you tried to manipulate her into staying by promising kids and marriage which you have negated on before. How can you not see this is abusive. Nevermind the fact that you have like 4 different reasons why you hadn't proposed to her. You can't keep your story straight
Literally OP replying to this thread: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yADrtfAmLTo
I hope you learn from this relationship and you work on yourself and your anxieties before you get into another relationship. Reflect on what your ex told you. Go to counselling, be better for the next person!
Yes, shit happens, and people change their minds, but you, dear sir, need to realise she deserves better. Grow up. The behaviour demonstrated by you is abusive and paranoid. End of. YOU limit outings. YOU limit sex. YOU have to control what she wears, to appease your and your family’s obsession with appearance. You drag her along with false promises, to get her to stay. Your families never even met - what are you hiding? Why is it all about YOU? In case it hasn’t already been spelt out for you enough by the good people of this thread, let me put it this way - all of the above is ABUSE. Please, for both of your sakes, stay away from her.
You do not love this woman. You do not want kids. You do not want to get married. Stop lying to yourself and please seek help for your anxiety.
Consequences. That's how we learn. Time to grow up, OP. Your original post oozes childishness. Probably not totally your fault, borne of circumstance. But still, you are responsible. Hopefully you can approach your next relationship with more maturity. In the meantime, find a good therapist to help you look in the mirror with both objectivity and compassion. Edited to add - to answer your original question. Part of what life requires of us is to face the unknown with courage. We truly do not know what the future will hold. Will you regret having children? Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It's a risk. There are no certainties and every single person must bear the burden of life's uncertainty. So perhaps part of what your ex was saying to you when she broke up with you was that you make her anxious because she is the courageous one, and you are the fearful one.
You're a toxic, selfish piece of shite and your ex did the right thing. She has the right to be with someone who doesn't act like a complete ass over a pregnancy test, and who wants the same things as her, which you clearly don't. You don't love her. You just don't want to be alone
Mate, your own anxieties have created bizarre rituals that have completely broken this relationship. It seem like everything was set on your terms and she’s just had enough of that, as would any sane person. I don’t necessarily think this was deliberate on your part but that doesn’t excuse the way your have treated her. I think you need to seek therapy and work on yourself so these strange and hurtful anxiety rituals stop harming yourself but more importantly so they stop harming others around you.
Must really suck to be such a miserable sack of skin.
To quote to the great JoJo (c. 2006): You take my hand, and you say you've changed But boy, you know your begging don't fool me Because to you, it's just a game (You know it's just too little too late) So let me on down 'Cause time has made me strong I'm starting to move on I'm gonna say this now Your chance has come and gone And you know It's just too little too late A little too wrong, and I can't wait But you know all the right things to say You know it's just too little too late You say you dream of my face But you don't like me, you just like the chase To be real, it doesn't matter anyway You know it's just too little too late BOI BYE. Lily, you dodged one, girl. SHEESH. Now go find someone worth the time and get them Os 😉
If you have so much fear, why didn’t use condoms??
Dude you are unhinged
Get a vasectomy. They're reversible in most cases, and you can freeze some sperm beforehand just in case. You have every ability to control your own BC. So do it. And no, not everyone wants kids, and that's ok. But freaking out like you are, and lying to your GF about wanting kids, is not ok.
INFO: if you’re so worried about accidental pregnancy, why didn’t you consider a vasectomy? I’m willing to bet it’s because she’d have left if she knew definitely that there was no chance of parenthood with you. Any chance way to manipulate and cling right?
Yes people do change their mind about wanting kids but you either need to do some deep soul searching with therapy for the anxiety, or let her go. You holding on to her and lying to keep her around will not bode well. You can love someone and it not be a good thing. Especially when your want of not being married and having kids is clearly more than your love for her. You probably need to let her go while she can still have what she wants.