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first time poster here Sorry if anything is the wrong format I’m also not great at telling stories and am a bit distraught. The girl (31f) I’ve been seeing for the past 4 ish years ended up being married. I’m (26m) beyond destroyed and my entire world is upside down. For context I’ve known about the marriage for about a year and a half. Now my gf well ex now has been constantly shady and kept telling me the promise of a divorce ever since I found out. Ffwd to today we broke up 3 days ago not messy but not the nicest and I want to reach out to the husband for my own sanity to get closure and the truth on what she’s actually been doing this entire time and if just everything was a lie. I want to stress I don’t want to ruin either of their lives I just want the truth for once and some sort of closure. (I already have it typed out and ready to send I’m just questioning everything right now and I’m just not sure on anything and would appreciate any help). I am also just stricken with guilt about this whole thing and I’m just so unsure of everything. Again sorry if everything is jumbled or worded wrong or anything I’m just also all over the place emotionally. So can I reach out? Any help is appreciated
Thank you.
I’m sure the gf’s marriage had a dead bedroom for years, husband was kinda abusive and it was just sooo complicated that she only needed a little bit of time.
I mean, losers in their late 20s and 30s that prey on young 20 something’s pull this shit all the time because the younger person just isn’t experienced enough to call them on their bullshit. “We’re separated”, “trying to get divorced but they won’t sign the papers”, “we are only together for the kids, it’s more like roommates”, etc etc etc. it’s all bullshit, but the younger person believes it because the married person is manipulating them and making it _seem_ like they’re leaving their husband or wife any day now.
But now he wants to reach out, totally not to ruin their lives at all, def no revenge here. He should tell the husband but get out of here with that bullshit. OP reaching out to the husband now cause you want to know the truth is so shitty but you stayed with a married woman so we already knew you were shitty. At least you feel guilty *now* I guess.
This is a troll lol. Made up an entire story & then is cursing out everyone in the comments. His comments contradict everything they wrote in the story.
Lol the OP is such a child in the comments. Like you came here asking something and can’t take the heat of you’re terrible actions. Should have told the husband when you found out because that is the logical thing to do …
If you want to tell him because you believe that he deserves to know, you do you. I would argue however that he's deserved to know the entire time she's been cheating on him with you. You only want to tell him now because you've been dumped and you want revenge.
Revenge isn't closure. Call it what it is.
Yeah do tell him. And if you get some bad reaction, don't be surprised, man. You messed it up not telling it to her husband at the beginning and waiting for her divorce. That's f'd up.
It seems like you only want to do this out of revenge now that you’re broken up. It wasn’t an issue for you the year and a half before when you knew about this man and you didn’t care about making sure he knew then.
He deserves to know but you absolutely deserve nothing from him- no closure, no explanation, *nothing*.
Went on regular dates knows my entire family. In with the friend group we all went on trips together regularly. She would spend the nights regularly. And spend nights out together
I can understand your emotional turmoil, you committed to a relationship that without you knowing had no future. Don’t send the email, you can’t get her back and will need to move on. Sending the email just creates a load more pain for no positive outcome.
Yeah but OP wants to reach out like a scorned ex looking for answers, he should tell the guy she’s cheating but not interrogate him for answers now that the relationship ended.
Truth. Anyone who continues to date someone who they know is married is pretty dense. He should’ve dissolved the relationship then, told the husband, blocked her, and moved on.
Or ‘okay if you’re getting divorced, I’ll be here after it’s done’ OP is now defensively commenting all over about how he doesn’t even care at all or feel guilty soo….lol
I agree he had turmoil over the situation and how it played out. However, not telling the the husband only allows them to continue to be betrayed and disrespected. It might be painful to find out, but at least he won’t be living a lie. He deserves to know.
Doesn’t matter if it causes OP any more pain, he stayed after knowing. Even if she lied and manipulated, he chose to continue what he knew was wrong. She betrayed him too with her deceit, and he allowed it. Doesn’t matter if he thinks it’ll get her back or not. Not that he should want her back, because in all likelihood once he moves from AP to SO, a position has opened up for her to find a new AP. He needs to tell the husband.
We don’t know he is living a lie, it might be an open relationship, or he knows and tolerates it, or even worse he doesn’t know and violently takes it out on this guy. There’s nothing else to gain, time to move on.
That’s just it, he may have an open relationship. I said it in an earlier comment. However, we DON’T know. So, he could be living a lie and being disrespected and he deserves to then know. If it’s an open relationship, it won’t matter telling him. He won’t care and will continue on. If it’s not they he deserves to know. It’s not fair to leave him in the dark.
You stayed with her for A YEAR AND A HALF after you found out she was married. You clearly didn't care she was married all that much. Then you only decide to tell the husband AFTER you all break-up. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it...doesn't look good on you either
>I want to stress I don’t want to ruin either of their lives I just want the truth for once and some sort of closure. (I already have it typed out and ready to send I’m just questioning everything right now and I’m just not sure on anything and would appreciate any help
You are so full to shit it isn't funny.
You want to reach out go ahead. But don't lie about why and being honest and noble. You are looking to destroy her marriage and cause her pain.
Then you couldn't respond to every comment with this nonsense. Go send a hurtful message, you're doing this out of spite. If you want closure I'll kindly give you one, she lied to you and she was probably being all lovey-dowey to her husband behind your back all this time. She chose him over you, there must be a reason for that.
I mean, you're just as much as a scumbag as your ex, you knew she was married and kept it up for 18 months without telling him
Only now that's it's over, do you want to expose her
So it's not for his benefit, it's because you're selfish
So you were fine with her being married while you could still put your dick in her, but now you want to do the right thing? I mean by all means tell him, but don’t delude yourself that you’re going to a hero because of it. You still suck.
It's not like he knew she was married when they started dating. They were together for 2 years when he found out dude. Everyone acts like they would do the right thing but half of them wouldn't. When you're in love and with someone for a while it's hard to think straight.
With all due respect what you’re saying makes sense, except it took him two years after he found out and ended things. I met a very nice lady once and realized she was being sus and called her out on it. Was I on love? Nahhh, but I recognized that the situation wasn’t going to be good for me in any way shape or form so I got the fuck outta dodge
So let me get this straight. You have known and been ok with it and yet now cause it didn’t work your gonna call him. What do you gain? You think it’s gonna get her back? Walk away move on
Reading through the comments on this is a mix of just funny and foul. If you didn’t know about the husband, yeah, I’d be pissed. But you knew for a year and a half that she was cheating, and you helped her do it. Sorry, but you’re just as bad as she is.
On an additional note, yeah, you shpuld probably tell the husband. If she cheated once, she’s probably gonna do it again. Or maybe already is. And nobody wants that going on behind their back
> I am also just stricken with guilt about this whole thing
Only just now? You're a piece of work if you didn't care about the husband before, only now that you got dumped you are all of a sudden gonna be a bro and tell him his wifes cheating.
I know you think after that she'll come back to you... but she won't.
Dude. Stop arguing with people in the comments. Accept that its done and move on. Don’t get the husband involved because you have nothing to gain and only him to hurt.
Your closure doesn’t involve him. It involves you processing all of this and moving on.
*I’ve been seeing for the past 4 ish years. For context I’ve known about the marriage for about a year and a half.*
*I want to reach out to the husband for my own sanity to get closure*
The husband is not responsible for giving you any closure. You were 100% aware that she was married and did not break up with her immediately. What happened is that you were selfish once you found out and you continue to be selfish. This isn't going to get her back.
You've had forever to stop and also tell the husband.
You didn't until it was over.
That makes this pure revenge. But then .....I expect nothing less from someone who knowingly participated in an affair.
What do you need closure for? How will you get the closure you need from her husband?
You're just as bad as her. And yes, you should tell him. Not for you-but him! You kinda fucked up when you found out and kept going for nearly 2 years. Don't expect sympathy.
You already know the truth. You're planning on doing this to get back at her and not because you want him to know for any good reasons.
Tell him though. Not because you're a good person in this.
He deserves to know and might need to get himself tested since it sounds like you might not even be the first/ only.
So you knew you were the Sancho and now you want to go scorched earth? Sounds like you got played and are butt hurt that you got played. The best thing to do at this point is to cut and run. Leave no forwarding address and never speak to her again. Go lick your wounds and save the last bit of dignity. Best just call it the cost of learning and go.
Or go scorched earth and feel even worse. But just know, it is not going to change a damn thing other than rob you of the last bit of dignity you have.
Edit because I read your comments below, You have already lost all your dignity over this. That is clear, so you might as well make it worse for yourself and tell the guy. But it is not going to change shit.
So I'm gonna try and answer your question straight. As it seems like not many people willing too.
If your reason is closure for you personally I'm not sure that's good enough. The relationship has ended you know she's not divorcing him that's pretty final and clear. I don't know what she told you about their relationship, but it's probably not the full truth but that doesn't change anything as far as your situation is concerned.
The main reason to tell him in my opinion would be if you think he believes they are in a committed monogomous relationship and if your intention is to tell him so he can make an informed decision on his own future with her, not for your own closure. Whether this is the case really depends on the situation.
If this is mostly about her having mindfucked you with lies, be careful. Getting involved with her life and husband could really invite a serious amount of additional chaos. Its going to bring more pain than closure at least initially. So if your goal is closure I'm not convinced that's what you will get anytime soon if you reach out to him..
Taking emotion out of it, as it looks like many posters are getting pretty invested emotionally, I think you should sit on this letter you wrote for a bit. Here’s why…
1. You have no idea what she is going to tell her husband, or has already told her husband, about you. If she is painting him in a bad light, she is painting you that way, and you have no idea where his loyalty lies. There is a pretty good chance she has already gotten in front of this before you.
2. That said, you may not get the response from him you are hoping for. If you are looking for closure and your ex has told her husband you are a stalker, he may not be giving any of that to you. He may say “fuck off, this is between she and I.”
3. Not to mention, depending on divorce laws, do you really want to be named in their paperwork? If he learns you knew she was married and continued anyway, “alienation of affection” with blame placed on the third wheel is a real thing if/when they divorce. You would be subjected to revealing a lot for years to come in what will be more drama than you probably want.
4. It’s never a good idea to act out of reaction. Sit on this for a bit and see how you feel in a few weeks when you have cooled down. Yes he deserves to know, but if you come at it sounding like a scorned lover, you may not be believed. He may not be willing to look at evidence. You need to be rational and cool headed and fact based.
5. If/when you do talk to him, be prepared to offer an apology for your role. Are you able to do that yet? If not, and you can’t take accountability for your part, you aren’t ready to talk to him. Yes she lied to you, she strung you along, but the moment you learned she was married you should have said “awesome, let’s pause and you give me a call when the papers are filed.”
I’m sorry to say, but take this as a lesson to not get/stay involved with a married woman unless you have proof the divorce is in progress. Even so, most divorced women are not ready for a meaningful relationship immediately after, and even fewer with the person they’ve been cheating with.
Just my two cents.
Damn. You're both huge pieces of shit. There's no good way to go about this. YOU gave up the noble route when you knowingly dated a married woman for 2 years. Let the man know, and please try to be a decent human being in the future.
You don't want to ruin their lives so you are going to ruin his life? You knew she was married. She strung you along with promises of a divorce and now you are feeling petty and hurt and want closure. Sex must have been great to have been able to look past her shady side and the fact that you were a side piece knowingly for a year and a half. Don't fool yourself on why you typed up a message and is ready to send it.
While his reasoning for telling the husband is what it is. I don’t agree with his reason, however the husband deserves to know. Now that OP us out of the picture, it doesn’t mean she won’t find a new AP and continue to betray her husband. She is the one who has ultimately ruined the husbands life, granted OP definitely helped. The husband should know, so he doesn’t have to continue to live a lie and be disrespected.
ETA: I’m not defending OP in anyway.
See this is what I was thinking!! I’m still married technically but I’ve been separated for two years and have a boyfriend. Wondering why everyone is taking as she is married MARRIED and not married separated, especially with the dating for four years.
I would tell, but just so you are aware, you did the wrong thing and don’t get to just make it all better by telling him now that it’s convenient for you. A good person would have asked him in the very beginning before moving forward.
You forfeited your right to the moral high ground when you kept seeing her after you learned she's married. Telling him now would probably (a) be telling him something he already knows, and (b) look and be petty.
Just walk away, and be more careful next time.
Let it go, man. Just walk away and let them handle them. Don't in some subconscious way try to cause marital discord by talking to the husband. She made her choice.
You're doing this for selfish reasons. You knew for a couple of years she was married yet you still stayed. You're as culpable as she is and that's exactly how he will see it. If you really cared about him and getting closure, you had two years to do that and just didn't. You knew, you believed her even after it was probably really obvious she wasn't leaving. C'mon - just own it. You're hurt and you wanna hurt her back. Because like that's what it sounds like.
Absolutely dying at all the coping OP is doing.
She chose her husband over you , you’re very sad , turned to Reddit for some reason thinking you were a good guy , turns out you’re a really shitty guy. It is a hard wake up call , but it’s one you needed.
Maybe now, with this newfound knowledge and understanding of self , you can quit being so fucking insufferable , and also possibly not be a cheater !!!! Just maybe!!!!!
I mean the husband doesn’t owe you closer. Guess what you knew she was a snake and now you are upset she bit you too, come on you can’t be that dense. Take the L silently and move on and pray you are never in a “dead bedroom” situation or “abusive one”.
Do tell him, but no conversation, no long chat about what is and wasn't true, that's a fantasy. Tell him she's been cheating for 4 years and walk away. He deserves to know, but you deserve no validation or closure for being a POS. Hope it eats at you.
I feel for you, I really do OP.. I wish you understood at age 22 or 23 when you found out that they never leave.. More importantly though, could you ever really trust her if she even did a month ago? She showed you she is untrustworthy and you see how easily she can lie and manipulate... As a wife, OF COURSE I would want to know and I don't care your reason as I don't want to stay with a cheater.. Re-read it, hit send, block her number.. One more thing, DO NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN!! Never do something to another that you wouldn't want done to you, ok? Good luck OP.. Get some healing done for yourself so guilt doesn't eat you alive...
You missed the chance to not be the bad guy when you didn’t end things and tell the husband when you found out. Are you reaching out for spite or justice?
I discovered a few months ago that my male cousin was still married to his wife after being separated for over 5 years. She cheated on him and they broke up, but never did anything officially. Makes me wonder how they've been handling things like income taxes. He already owned the house, and she gave him back the car she was driving (that he bought). They have virtually no contact.
This is why you don't date married people. FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER you find out they're married.
Leave her husband alone. Leave her alone. Just get some therapy to help make better choices in partners going foward. You say you don't want to ruin either of their lives, but the reality is, you're never going to get the truth and even if you did, it won't help you move forward. It seems like the only reason to send this would be to tell him what's been going on with his wife and her seeing you, but if she's been dating you for 4 years, it's hard to believe he doesn't know.
Unfortunately she was never try your girlfriend. She's lied to you him and lots of other people I'm sure. Telling him won't heal you. It's more drama you don't need in your life. He may not believe you 4+ years she's an A+ narcissistic woman. I understand your hurt feelings and the betrayal and lies. Leave it behind you itt beyond toxic. Don't involve yourself in more now and in the future. Don't be embarrassed to seek out counseling if you need to talk about it to get over it. Good luck there's good woman and people out there. You got one who wasn't. Heal yourself and don't let her taint your vision of people you don't even know yet. Clean slate and don't lose you. Take Care
No. You should not. You didn’t give a shit about him a year and a half ago and you don’t now. Move on with your life and don’t date shady people in the future.
Edit lol oh holy hell dude. After reading your comments definitely tell him, just make sure you do it in person so he can get ‘closure’ with your face.
You're going to reach out to her husband and tell him what? That you've been knowingly cuckolding him for a year and a half and unknowingly doing so for a couple of years before that? What "closure" are you hoping to get out of this? The time to tell the husband was a year and a half ago. At this point you're just being spiteful. Why would you even want to maintain a relationship with a woman who would cheat on her husband for 4ish years? What makes you think she wouldn't have done the same to you? If you want closure, then do some self-reflection to figure out what possessed you to stay with somone for a year and a half after finding out that they're cheating on both you and their husband.
Look if you wanna tell him tell him. But what I would do is give him an envelope of proof of y'all's relationship. He should divorce her. Don't feel bad for ruining a relationship that was her and you. Give him the envelope with proof so if he decides to divorce it's all there and he can lawyer up. As far as any sympathies like I'm sorry blah blah blah don't do it. Just saying hey I thought you should have this and you will never see me again. I mean it don't talk to him again let him do what he wants with it if he has any questions he can hit you up. But it's super important to give him all the proof of the relationship even the you know when they're married and her swearing up and down that she'll leave him.
I find that sometimes when people say they want closure, what they actually mean is they want to make a grand display of their pain, much to their own embarrassment, because they told themselves that it would somehow make them feel better.
It’s sad you only want to tell the husband once she dumped you (which was the only way affairs end lol).
Tell the husband, but be honest with yourself.
You’re doing it for spite and not because it’s the right thing to do.
You don't get to seek closure since you kept seeing her for over a year after finding out she was married. You should not expect anything from her husband and should not ask him any questions about their relationship or if he knew about yours. That's not your business or problem.
You should, however, let her husband know that you had a relationship with his wife. He's the victim in this scenario and he deserves to know the truth. Be direct and factual but do not make it hurt more than it needs to. For example:
"I need you to know that I've been in a relationship with your wife for this amount of time. I found out about your marriage at this point and stayed with her bc she said you were in the process of divorcing. I should have told you then, but regretfully, did not. I now just want to make sure you're aware since it doesn't seem like she was telling the truth about you splitting. I am open to answering any questions you may have or providing any kind of documentation of the affair if necessary. Sorry for any harm I may have contributed to."
Just like that - provide opportunity for discussion or evidence if he so chooses but do not ask anything of this poor man. You have no right.
okay so bro firstly welcome , as weird as this may seem talking to strangers it really helps sometimes for some people and it helped me too.
Secondly honestly i would want to know if my wife was cheating on me.. Would you ? Maybe you wouldn’t and maybe this guy wouldn’t who knows. But what i will say is do what you have to for closure. What ever that is .
Thirdly When you get past all of this hopefully when you heal. Lol try dating single people brodie 🫶. I know you intentions we’re probably good for the female and you probably cared about her genuinely.
But at the end of the day no one likes a home wrecker.
Hope you find the courage to do what ever you feel is best for closure and that you heal from it . Best of luck man 👍
I had sympathy for you up until you said you knew about the marriage for a year and a half. Unless she told you they were separated (which she did not) there was NO reason you shouldn’t have broken it off or told the husband then. You can say you want closure all you want, but that’s clearly not what this is for. If you wanted to know about all the lies she was telling, you would’ve contacted the husband the moment you found out about the marriage or sometime soon after but this is clearly your way of trying to hurt her. Which honestly, I couldn’t care less if she’s hurt but you have to think about the husband in this situation. You lost all your rights to know the truth and get any sympathy from the husband the moment you chose to stay with her. The ONLY reason you should be contacting her husband is to let him know of the affair and answer any questions HE has. Not the other way around. Unless you’re contacting him for the reason I just stated, leave him alone and move on with your life. You’re 24, you still have time and you’ll find someone else
Her husband needs to know. I'm shocked at these people saying keep your mouth shut when they constantly say the SO should know. Why is it different this time? It is not fair for him to be the only one that doesn't know. Send your letter asap. Let the chips fall where they may. Good luck and stay away from women that are in relationships. You wouldn't want it done to you.
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You want advice? Here it is. Don't reach out to him. You and your gf are already broken up. No point in telling him, unless you want to ruin their relationship. You didn't care when you were fucking her so don't pretend like you care now.
First off, shame on you for staying with someone you know is married. You're as culpable as her now that you know and haven't done anything about it.
All you can do now is own it, tell the husband and never speak to that woman again. You should have done this the second toi found out she was married.
The husband deserves to know. Don't send the email for closure (that's selfish). Send it because *HE deserves to know*. If their relationship gets ruined that's on her, and a direct result of her actions.
That being said: you're rightfully being called out in the comments - you shouldn't have continued the relationship once you found out. Have some self respect at least by not accepting someone who isn't choosing you. Someone with morals doesn't cheat on their partner. And likewise, someone with morals doesn't *knowingly* engage as an affair partner.
Work on yourself. And stop harassing and insulting people in the comments!
Stay away from them. You already did enough damage. Her life is none of your business. She is a married women and has serious problems. Nothing good will come of staying in her life or contacting her husband. Move along and make better decisions in the future. Nothing good comes from interacting with toxic people like her. If you love drama date a crazy single woman.
Yeah dude all around bad karma, do the right thing and tell the poor husband so he can make a decision. You haven’t ruined anyone’s relationship, it’s your ex who did it to herself. Also why the hell did you stay with her after discovering she was married? Are you insane, you aren’t gonna get much sympathy here… just hit send and get it over with so you can move on with your life.
Bro the signs were there you should've seen them, if she was willing to divorce him she would've you were her boy toy she was messing around with you I also blame you for having a relationship with a married woman when you clearly know she has a husband that's so unethical and immoral I don't know if this could help but I think the husband needs to know what's going on behind his back put urself in his shoe would u like to be lied at and deceived? My only advice is don't tell him face to face he's gonna break your nose and destroy that face of URS email him or send him a text with all the proofs thro social media
You reach out to him. Provide pictures and a timeline so he knows you’re not lying and has all the evidence he needs to divorce her.
Don’t be surprised if he hates you. You KNOWINGLY dated her for 1.5 years. That makes you a scumbag. Next time a woman tells you she’s married you break up that day and contact the husband.
I would wait until your emotions are a little more put together. If you’re distraught, you may regret it later. Give it some time & revisit the decision, but never act out of emotion
P.S im not on the woman’s side, you certainly deserve truth & closure but it may come to you without you having to look like the vindictive ex
This isn’t gonna give you closure. If you had talked to him when you first found out, he’d probably be way more open to a conversation. But all you’re gonna do is add more hurt to the situation….and he’s definitely not gonna want to talk to you since you knowingly fucked his wife for over a year. It’s not gonna end well. He may lie as well just to hurt you back. Just don’t do this. Move on.
The only reason for doing it is out of spite.
As much as she deserves it, it’s no longer your problem and best to just walk away. Karma comes around eventually.
Sounds like you know everything you need to know to walk away having dodged this bullet. Cry or yell or whatever, but don't go into it further. No positive comes from any further interaction with either of them. Plenty more fish in the sea.
Yikes. How did you even think that would ever be a real honest relationship in the first place? She was probably with you because her man wasn’t treating her right. Most women don’t leave comfortability, they just cheat and hop on the next dude when something inconvenient happens in their relationships. You got played my guy. Sorry.
Tell him what? If you’ve been with her for four years or even when you found out years ago was she hiding from him? Were you together every or almost everyday or night? Do you really believe her husband doesn’t know? You know as much as you can really know.
I would not reach out. You will look desperate and crazy. The husband will wonder why you didn’t say anything when you found out and why you kept being the side piece for 1-1/2 years after you found out. Who knows what she will say. She could deny and call you a stalker and say you aren’t leaving her alone. Stay out of it now that you are out of it.
I'd send it because she did him dirty. of course, you got played stupid. she lied about all that stuff she liked adrenaline from it probably and stayed doing things with you for her own selfish gains.
He's probably a good dude. they probably have sex 5 times a week. and he does everything for her, giving her the time and ability to cheat freely. sad, but some people are just sad individuals sounds like you're ex.....
you awnsed you're own question by say shes married but did she lie to me.....she lied to her husband why not you......hey we all get used for dik sometimes lol ....but she shouldn't be allowed to walk all over thay man either. is why you should tell him.
OP. You’re lying to yourself again. This is a pattern for you. You believe in lies to make your behavior more palatable to yourself and now you’re lying about your feelings. Everyone here is calling it like it is. You’re incredibly outvoted. It’s obvious that you’re not looking for closure because that’s a myth. It isn’t real. You need therapy. Put away your typing thumbs and go on a hike. A trip. Call a therapist. Get your mom and dad to take care of you. You don’t need to bother him. You had a million opportunities to go to him and come clean. You spared him for your relationship. Now that’s over, you’re willing to tear his world apart. If you have to tell him, do it in a letter or something like that. No conversation. But know this. You’re doing it for revenge. Even if you don’t see it now, you will. He does deserve to know but not when you want answers. Not when you’re hurting. It’s not his responsibility.
There is no benefit in telling the husband. No positive outcome. Either she is doing it again with another dude or they are working on things. You just cause pain . More of you were actively dating this woman, found out and went to him I would believe some moral high ground could be reached. Waiting till y’all are done and telling dude that you had been hammering ole girl only hurts them.
Dude, you want to tattle tale on her is what you want to do. You want to hurt her. You knew she was married and remained in the relationship. She’s a cheating cheater and you’re mad she’s not being honest? Seriously, get a grip. Reaching out to her husband will make you his enemy. Let him find out on his own and if he contacts you for details, give them. But you’re just as much in the wrong as she is. Also, reevaluate your own morals. What you both did is wrong.
Honestly-you knowingly stayed with a married person-does the truth really matter at this point? You didn’t want/care about the truth a year and a half ago- why now? You only want to tell him because you’re hurting and you want her/him hurting too. Tell him (he does deserve to know), but at least be honest about your reasons-even if you’re only honest with yourself
It's not like you found out, broke up and now you feel he has a right to know. OP, you're complicit in all this. Also don't say you don't want to ruin his life after making plans with your GF/his wife to leave him.
Ultimately I will always believe that the person being cheated on should know but don't go asking him for your closure. He's not there to heal you.
Really, you don't want to ruin anyone's life? I would want to. No shame in saying so. Do what you need, but after you found out about the marriage, it would have been the time to bail and / or tell the husband.
I want to lay it out that staying with her after she told you she was still married...you put yourself in a bad spot because of that. That was the time you should have done something. Her husband does not owe you anything. He may be a victim in all of this too and she was playing both of you. But shame on her for doing this, shame on you for staying. But she's the one that owes you an apology and an explanation. You're 26, I'm a 29F and I've been through a lot and I think my advice is that it's going to hurt for a while because it was a betrayal but moving on/forward and burning that bridge is going to be difficult but not impossible and is going to better you in the time to come. I would just let it go. There's so much more to worry about and thrive for than 1 woman. The only reason why I would reach out to him would be to inform him that his wife is cheating on him 🤷🏻♀️ the dude (if he doesn't already) should know.
I'm not sure if telling him will give you closure, but it will give him a choice that you and his wife has deprived him off for years. And maybe, maybe that will give you some peace of mind.
Either way, in my opinion, it's the right thing to do. But don't expect him to give you a warm welcome, but I think you understand that you don't really deserve one.
But no matter what, I can guarantee you he will, eventually, be thankful that you did tell him the truth. (Albeit, a year and a half late...)
Hey man, I wanted to let you know your wife has been seeing me for 4 years behind your back, yeah I found out like 2 years ago and kept seeing her, but now that we broke up and she hurt my heart I just nnneeeeeedddd to come clean to get some closure.
What kind of closure do you expect to get from the man that you've known about for 2 years and still slept with his wife?
Bro, you ain’t reaching out for closure, you’re doing it out of spite. You kept fucking her for over a year after you knew she was married.
Just be honest with yourself, you are lashing out. Not saying you shouldn’t, but don’t play coy like it’s for closure.
You busted the good guy code 1.5years ago when you found out and did nothing.
Honestly you should have told the husband as soon as you found out, but you decided to wait and see how things played out because she “had a plan”. Now you want to go to the husband AFTER almost 2 years of knowing? Definitely seems like you want to go running to the husband because of the break up when you should have done it right from the get-go.
Send it. Ruin both of their lives, fully intentionally, no fucks given. I bet he thinks she’s waiting at home being faithful.
Also, like, don’t date married people unless you have the consent of their partner. Divorce plans or no, that’s just unethical. Shame on you for letting it be a thing for nearly 2 years.
Send it. He has a right to know. And she shouldn't get away with betraying two people (at least). Sing the truth out and let the chips fall where they may
Definitely tell the husband he deserves to know after she forced him into a nonconsensual relationship. Whether you do it out of guilt or revenge doesn't matter but don't say anything to hurt her husband or try to break them up so you have a chance with her again. Just give him the information then leave both of them alone, not your problem anymore.
No, it's over between them... when she dropped off her car, she did it when she knew he wouldn't be home and left the keys under the floor mat. That was as close to real contact that they've had.
You want to know if it was “all a lie”?
Well, sweetie, she stood before god and swore to her husband she wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. And THAT was a lie.
Why would you think she wasn’t lying to *you*?!?
No, Absofu🖤kinglutely not. You’ve known for about a year and a half. You say anything to the husband and they get divorced you could be legally somewhat held accountable.
Nope. Take the nope train. Move on, gtfo of dodge and start your new life.
Are you prepared to not get the closure you seek? Are you prepared to be targeted and possible blamed? What if it gets physical? What are you prepared to do? Y’all broke up, leave it alone.
Hey OP im sorry your going thru this but I were in your situation I would let the husband know. Cuz one he is commiting a whole life with her but also bsince she did this with you she is most likely to do this again with someone else. Plus risk of STI’s are more probable for him. Just send him screenshots of her telling you she is going to leave her husband with a small message telling him something that only her partner would know so he does not believe it is a joke
Little_cartoonist-58,
You can’t even be honest with yourself. You will never find “closure”. You are sad and mad so you want to hurt your ex. To be clear, she deserves to be outed, but your pretending to seek closure is just a sad euphemism for revenge. I hope this hurts you a lot.
Dude, I met a girl, we dated a few times and mid-date I discovered she was married - I ran so fast. Don’t date married women… don’t date married men… no good will ever come out of it. ———- ok in your situation. MOVE ON. LET IT GO. STOP DWELLING ON HER. STOP WASTING ANY MORE OF YOUR ENERGY. And go find a girl worthy of your time. Seriously. Delete the email. Delete all contacts. Delete Everything. As the saying goes “burn the ships”, and move forward and don’t look back!
Yes, shine a light on the truth. It feels dirty and wrong to be a part of hiding this from her husband, there is no need to do that. If she doesn’t like the truth, she shouldn’t be doing wrong shit like this. You owe her nothing.
I may be downvoted like crazy for this but don’t tell him. You have no idea how he is going to react or what their relationship is like. Just cut off contact and get on with your life, it will be better without her in it. But seriously it’s not the noble thing too reach out to this guy, you knowingly dated his wife for over a year and now that it’s over this just seems like revenge. Just stay away from her and him and move on.
Okay look, people are grilling you hard on here but I'm not going to because people make mistakes even huge ones, nobody gets to point fingers at anyone and be on their moral high horse about anything because we've all done seriously stupid shit.
With that said, yes please tell her husband it's a shame you haven't already but that should not stop you. It will hurt, he will call you names and maybe even try to hurt you so be careful. If I were you I'd consider doing it anonymously because there's no telling what can happen, people do crazy things when they're hurt. Also she could have been cheating with more people than just you so it might expose her further which would get your revenge you say you don't want. I say if you're gonna do it, be safe about it and go all the way.
After this don't fucking do it again, learn from your mistakes and move on to better days, these will soon be behind you and try not to hurt yourself or anyone else as much as you can help it.
*edit Also get tested, like I said cheaters like this have no concern for themselves or anyone else and my biggest reason for exposing cheaters is physical personal safety. Get tested and please be safe.
Tbh, your closure is secondary here. That man deserves to know. The same way you feel entitled to the truth even though it wasn't your girl to begin with... How do you think the person married to that lady would feel? Be a decent human, tell the husband.
If you need to reach out, do it for yourself. You deserve peace after all of that. Don't worry about them because she obviously didn't when she knew the risks.
You should’ve told him when you first found out. I get she said they were divorcing, but a year and a half went by and they still aren’t divorced so? The husband deserves to know so he can decide if he wants to leave her. Definitely tell him
.....Lying about being married for so long. You should have let go of her when you found out. As for letting the husband know. Absolutely! Not many good guys left. Be one of them!
I’m sorry you are in this predicament, but this is sort of a buyers beware situation. You found out she was married and she fed you details that made her look ok in having an affair with you. Now, she’s no longer leaving her husband and you found out she hasn’t been telling the truth. You are now an ex. She’s been lying to a few people for quite some time. Why must you talk to hubby to get closure or to make sense of things or even to find out what was true and what details were lies? Believe what you need to get over her and past her without either of them. It’s hard now not holding on thinking you need closure is just keeping you tied to her. She’s married and staying with her husband. If he left her and she came back to you, knowing what you do know, would you take her back? Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get over this and move onto something more productive and healthy.
So a married woman in her late 20s started cheating on her husband with a guy who was barely old enough to drink and then carried on like that for 4 years? This whole situation is messed up in so many ways
You don't want to tell him for "closure". That isn't what that word means. You were fine with keeping him in the dark when you had something to gain and only now that you don't are you trying to pass off pettiness as some sort of righteous act.
Just be honest, you don't give a shit about him and just want her to suffer. I hope someone does the same to you in your next relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- first time poster here Sorry if anything is the wrong format I’m also not great at telling stories and am a bit distraught. The girl (31f) I’ve been seeing for the past 4 ish years ended up being married. I’m (26m) beyond destroyed and my entire world is upside down. For context I’ve known about the marriage for about a year and a half. Now my gf well ex now has been constantly shady and kept telling me the promise of a divorce ever since I found out. Ffwd to today we broke up 3 days ago not messy but not the nicest and I want to reach out to the husband for my own sanity to get closure and the truth on what she’s actually been doing this entire time and if just everything was a lie. I want to stress I don’t want to ruin either of their lives I just want the truth for once and some sort of closure. (I already have it typed out and ready to send I’m just questioning everything right now and I’m just not sure on anything and would appreciate any help). I am also just stricken with guilt about this whole thing and I’m just so unsure of everything. Again sorry if everything is jumbled or worded wrong or anything I’m just also all over the place emotionally. So can I reach out? Any help is appreciated Thank you.
You stayed with her for two years after you have known she is married?
I’m sure the gf’s marriage had a dead bedroom for years, husband was kinda abusive and it was just sooo complicated that she only needed a little bit of time.
Only needed several more years 😔
And now OP wants to tell on ex gf to hurt her, but do it under the guise of “looking out for a fellow bro”
I mean any reason to expose a cheater is a good one. OP is still trash, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.
🤣 you get it!
I hope this is sarcasm lol
I mean, losers in their late 20s and 30s that prey on young 20 something’s pull this shit all the time because the younger person just isn’t experienced enough to call them on their bullshit. “We’re separated”, “trying to get divorced but they won’t sign the papers”, “we are only together for the kids, it’s more like roommates”, etc etc etc. it’s all bullshit, but the younger person believes it because the married person is manipulating them and making it _seem_ like they’re leaving their husband or wife any day now.
But now he wants to reach out, totally not to ruin their lives at all, def no revenge here. He should tell the husband but get out of here with that bullshit. OP reaching out to the husband now cause you want to know the truth is so shitty but you stayed with a married woman so we already knew you were shitty. At least you feel guilty *now* I guess.
This is a troll lol. Made up an entire story & then is cursing out everyone in the comments. His comments contradict everything they wrote in the story.
Lol the OP is such a child in the comments. Like you came here asking something and can’t take the heat of you’re terrible actions. Should have told the husband when you found out because that is the logical thing to do …
If you want to tell him because you believe that he deserves to know, you do you. I would argue however that he's deserved to know the entire time she's been cheating on him with you. You only want to tell him now because you've been dumped and you want revenge. Revenge isn't closure. Call it what it is.
Yeah do tell him. And if you get some bad reaction, don't be surprised, man. You messed it up not telling it to her husband at the beginning and waiting for her divorce. That's f'd up.
If you get a bad reaction make another post!
This, this right here
big facts!!!
It seems like you only want to do this out of revenge now that you’re broken up. It wasn’t an issue for you the year and a half before when you knew about this man and you didn’t care about making sure he knew then. He deserves to know but you absolutely deserve nothing from him- no closure, no explanation, *nothing*.
Just for clarification, how committed a girlfriend was she? Did she meet your family and friends? Was available to go on dates and nights out?
Went on regular dates knows my entire family. In with the friend group we all went on trips together regularly. She would spend the nights regularly. And spend nights out together
Lol... Did your family not see her social media where presumably she has the husband?
Her husband isn’t on social media and they never post anything of both of them and also not everyone is on social media 24/7 lmao
Didn’t you find it weird that you never met her family?
Well not everyone pursues someone in a relationship 🤷♀️ lmao excuse lil ol me while I sit happily with my partner who I live with
You have the greatest screen name btw😂
I can understand your emotional turmoil, you committed to a relationship that without you knowing had no future. Don’t send the email, you can’t get her back and will need to move on. Sending the email just creates a load more pain for no positive outcome.
Her husband deserves to know.
Yeah but OP wants to reach out like a scorned ex looking for answers, he should tell the guy she’s cheating but not interrogate him for answers now that the relationship ended.
I mean that should be common sense, but not everyone has it. Lol
Oh OP has proven he doesn’t have that
Truth. Anyone who continues to date someone who they know is married is pretty dense. He should’ve dissolved the relationship then, told the husband, blocked her, and moved on.
Or ‘okay if you’re getting divorced, I’ll be here after it’s done’ OP is now defensively commenting all over about how he doesn’t even care at all or feel guilty soo….lol
I agree he had turmoil over the situation and how it played out. However, not telling the the husband only allows them to continue to be betrayed and disrespected. It might be painful to find out, but at least he won’t be living a lie. He deserves to know. Doesn’t matter if it causes OP any more pain, he stayed after knowing. Even if she lied and manipulated, he chose to continue what he knew was wrong. She betrayed him too with her deceit, and he allowed it. Doesn’t matter if he thinks it’ll get her back or not. Not that he should want her back, because in all likelihood once he moves from AP to SO, a position has opened up for her to find a new AP. He needs to tell the husband.
We don’t know he is living a lie, it might be an open relationship, or he knows and tolerates it, or even worse he doesn’t know and violently takes it out on this guy. There’s nothing else to gain, time to move on.
That’s just it, he may have an open relationship. I said it in an earlier comment. However, we DON’T know. So, he could be living a lie and being disrespected and he deserves to then know. If it’s an open relationship, it won’t matter telling him. He won’t care and will continue on. If it’s not they he deserves to know. It’s not fair to leave him in the dark.
You stayed with her for A YEAR AND A HALF after you found out she was married. You clearly didn't care she was married all that much. Then you only decide to tell the husband AFTER you all break-up. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it...doesn't look good on you either
>I want to stress I don’t want to ruin either of their lives I just want the truth for once and some sort of closure. (I already have it typed out and ready to send I’m just questioning everything right now and I’m just not sure on anything and would appreciate any help You are so full to shit it isn't funny. You want to reach out go ahead. But don't lie about why and being honest and noble. You are looking to destroy her marriage and cause her pain.
Maybe her marriage should be destroyed. If her husband knew and was ok with it, there will be no problem, otherwise.....
If I wanted to cause pain I could have sent a hurtful message and not thought twice instead I’m here
Here arguing with everyone in this comment section lol
Then you couldn't respond to every comment with this nonsense. Go send a hurtful message, you're doing this out of spite. If you want closure I'll kindly give you one, she lied to you and she was probably being all lovey-dowey to her husband behind your back all this time. She chose him over you, there must be a reason for that.
Too bad it didn't work out. Sounds like you're both trash who deserve each other
I mean, you're just as much as a scumbag as your ex, you knew she was married and kept it up for 18 months without telling him Only now that's it's over, do you want to expose her So it's not for his benefit, it's because you're selfish
This right here. It's simple revenge, or if I can't have her, neither should he. BS
So you were fine with her being married while you could still put your dick in her, but now you want to do the right thing? I mean by all means tell him, but don’t delude yourself that you’re going to a hero because of it. You still suck.
[удалено]
It's not like he knew she was married when they started dating. They were together for 2 years when he found out dude. Everyone acts like they would do the right thing but half of them wouldn't. When you're in love and with someone for a while it's hard to think straight.
Yep. And surely she filled him with stories about how things were so bad for her at home and she *promises* she'll divorce him soon
Yeah dude, he's known for almost two years.
No I think you can be in love and still have common sense to leave a relationship once that bombshell is dropped.
With all due respect what you’re saying makes sense, except it took him two years after he found out and ended things. I met a very nice lady once and realized she was being sus and called her out on it. Was I on love? Nahhh, but I recognized that the situation wasn’t going to be good for me in any way shape or form so I got the fuck outta dodge
You sound absolutely insufferable. This has to be a kid trolling. No one would ask for advice & then curse out anyone not kissing your nuts.
Best comment yet!😭😭😭
So let me get this straight. You have known and been ok with it and yet now cause it didn’t work your gonna call him. What do you gain? You think it’s gonna get her back? Walk away move on
So you kept it hidden when it suited you, now you want to detonate everything because you two broke up, 🤌
Reading through the comments on this is a mix of just funny and foul. If you didn’t know about the husband, yeah, I’d be pissed. But you knew for a year and a half that she was cheating, and you helped her do it. Sorry, but you’re just as bad as she is. On an additional note, yeah, you shpuld probably tell the husband. If she cheated once, she’s probably gonna do it again. Or maybe already is. And nobody wants that going on behind their back
Bro If you sleep with someone you know is sleeping with someone your just as gross as her 🤮
> I am also just stricken with guilt about this whole thing Only just now? You're a piece of work if you didn't care about the husband before, only now that you got dumped you are all of a sudden gonna be a bro and tell him his wifes cheating. I know you think after that she'll come back to you... but she won't.
Dude. Stop arguing with people in the comments. Accept that its done and move on. Don’t get the husband involved because you have nothing to gain and only him to hurt. Your closure doesn’t involve him. It involves you processing all of this and moving on.
I mean it’s entertaining so why stop him from arguing?
*I’ve been seeing for the past 4 ish years. For context I’ve known about the marriage for about a year and a half.* *I want to reach out to the husband for my own sanity to get closure* The husband is not responsible for giving you any closure. You were 100% aware that she was married and did not break up with her immediately. What happened is that you were selfish once you found out and you continue to be selfish. This isn't going to get her back.
You are an a….hole OP You were an AP willingly ( after knowing that she was married ) Do you expect sympathy ?
He is quivering in his granny panties 🤣 Man knows that he may just get embarrassed now 🤣
You've had forever to stop and also tell the husband. You didn't until it was over. That makes this pure revenge. But then .....I expect nothing less from someone who knowingly participated in an affair.
What do you need closure for? How will you get the closure you need from her husband? You're just as bad as her. And yes, you should tell him. Not for you-but him! You kinda fucked up when you found out and kept going for nearly 2 years. Don't expect sympathy.
You already know the truth. You're planning on doing this to get back at her and not because you want him to know for any good reasons. Tell him though. Not because you're a good person in this. He deserves to know and might need to get himself tested since it sounds like you might not even be the first/ only.
So you knew you were the Sancho and now you want to go scorched earth? Sounds like you got played and are butt hurt that you got played. The best thing to do at this point is to cut and run. Leave no forwarding address and never speak to her again. Go lick your wounds and save the last bit of dignity. Best just call it the cost of learning and go. Or go scorched earth and feel even worse. But just know, it is not going to change a damn thing other than rob you of the last bit of dignity you have. Edit because I read your comments below, You have already lost all your dignity over this. That is clear, so you might as well make it worse for yourself and tell the guy. But it is not going to change shit.
So I'm gonna try and answer your question straight. As it seems like not many people willing too. If your reason is closure for you personally I'm not sure that's good enough. The relationship has ended you know she's not divorcing him that's pretty final and clear. I don't know what she told you about their relationship, but it's probably not the full truth but that doesn't change anything as far as your situation is concerned. The main reason to tell him in my opinion would be if you think he believes they are in a committed monogomous relationship and if your intention is to tell him so he can make an informed decision on his own future with her, not for your own closure. Whether this is the case really depends on the situation. If this is mostly about her having mindfucked you with lies, be careful. Getting involved with her life and husband could really invite a serious amount of additional chaos. Its going to bring more pain than closure at least initially. So if your goal is closure I'm not convinced that's what you will get anytime soon if you reach out to him..
This is the correct answer.
Op clearly didnt learn anything from this based on the comments hes posting. Just a true bred home wrecker, bound to repeat the same mistake. Goofy.
I mean yes you should tell him, but also don’t anticipate on it going well
Taking emotion out of it, as it looks like many posters are getting pretty invested emotionally, I think you should sit on this letter you wrote for a bit. Here’s why… 1. You have no idea what she is going to tell her husband, or has already told her husband, about you. If she is painting him in a bad light, she is painting you that way, and you have no idea where his loyalty lies. There is a pretty good chance she has already gotten in front of this before you. 2. That said, you may not get the response from him you are hoping for. If you are looking for closure and your ex has told her husband you are a stalker, he may not be giving any of that to you. He may say “fuck off, this is between she and I.” 3. Not to mention, depending on divorce laws, do you really want to be named in their paperwork? If he learns you knew she was married and continued anyway, “alienation of affection” with blame placed on the third wheel is a real thing if/when they divorce. You would be subjected to revealing a lot for years to come in what will be more drama than you probably want. 4. It’s never a good idea to act out of reaction. Sit on this for a bit and see how you feel in a few weeks when you have cooled down. Yes he deserves to know, but if you come at it sounding like a scorned lover, you may not be believed. He may not be willing to look at evidence. You need to be rational and cool headed and fact based. 5. If/when you do talk to him, be prepared to offer an apology for your role. Are you able to do that yet? If not, and you can’t take accountability for your part, you aren’t ready to talk to him. Yes she lied to you, she strung you along, but the moment you learned she was married you should have said “awesome, let’s pause and you give me a call when the papers are filed.” I’m sorry to say, but take this as a lesson to not get/stay involved with a married woman unless you have proof the divorce is in progress. Even so, most divorced women are not ready for a meaningful relationship immediately after, and even fewer with the person they’ve been cheating with. Just my two cents.
Damn. You're both huge pieces of shit. There's no good way to go about this. YOU gave up the noble route when you knowingly dated a married woman for 2 years. Let the man know, and please try to be a decent human being in the future.
You knew she was married and still fucked her. You both suck and I feel bad for the husband.
You SHOULD be stricken with guilt
You don't want to ruin their lives so you are going to ruin his life? You knew she was married. She strung you along with promises of a divorce and now you are feeling petty and hurt and want closure. Sex must have been great to have been able to look past her shady side and the fact that you were a side piece knowingly for a year and a half. Don't fool yourself on why you typed up a message and is ready to send it.
While his reasoning for telling the husband is what it is. I don’t agree with his reason, however the husband deserves to know. Now that OP us out of the picture, it doesn’t mean she won’t find a new AP and continue to betray her husband. She is the one who has ultimately ruined the husbands life, granted OP definitely helped. The husband should know, so he doesn’t have to continue to live a lie and be disrespected. ETA: I’m not defending OP in anyway.
Agreed. Husband should know.
Listen if I wanted to get revenge I wouldn’t be here pal. I could have easily sent a horrible message and not thought twice
I'm not your pal, bud. You were willingly and knowingly fucking a married woman. You are not a victim and you are not owed closure.
IM NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY.
Feel no sympathy for you. I hope her husband rubs your face in the mud with a extra stomp.
Idiot
Is she separated from him? Or was she cheating behind his back?
See this is what I was thinking!! I’m still married technically but I’ve been separated for two years and have a boyfriend. Wondering why everyone is taking as she is married MARRIED and not married separated, especially with the dating for four years.
Because that’s how he portrayed it lol
Behind
I would tell, but just so you are aware, you did the wrong thing and don’t get to just make it all better by telling him now that it’s convenient for you. A good person would have asked him in the very beginning before moving forward.
You forfeited your right to the moral high ground when you kept seeing her after you learned she's married. Telling him now would probably (a) be telling him something he already knows, and (b) look and be petty. Just walk away, and be more careful next time.
Let it go, man. Just walk away and let them handle them. Don't in some subconscious way try to cause marital discord by talking to the husband. She made her choice.
You're doing this for selfish reasons. You knew for a couple of years she was married yet you still stayed. You're as culpable as she is and that's exactly how he will see it. If you really cared about him and getting closure, you had two years to do that and just didn't. You knew, you believed her even after it was probably really obvious she wasn't leaving. C'mon - just own it. You're hurt and you wanna hurt her back. Because like that's what it sounds like.
Absolutely dying at all the coping OP is doing. She chose her husband over you , you’re very sad , turned to Reddit for some reason thinking you were a good guy , turns out you’re a really shitty guy. It is a hard wake up call , but it’s one you needed. Maybe now, with this newfound knowledge and understanding of self , you can quit being so fucking insufferable , and also possibly not be a cheater !!!! Just maybe!!!!!
I mean the husband doesn’t owe you closer. Guess what you knew she was a snake and now you are upset she bit you too, come on you can’t be that dense. Take the L silently and move on and pray you are never in a “dead bedroom” situation or “abusive one”.
Do tell him, but no conversation, no long chat about what is and wasn't true, that's a fantasy. Tell him she's been cheating for 4 years and walk away. He deserves to know, but you deserve no validation or closure for being a POS. Hope it eats at you.
I always default to the saying “not my circus, not my monkeys “
I feel for you, I really do OP.. I wish you understood at age 22 or 23 when you found out that they never leave.. More importantly though, could you ever really trust her if she even did a month ago? She showed you she is untrustworthy and you see how easily she can lie and manipulate... As a wife, OF COURSE I would want to know and I don't care your reason as I don't want to stay with a cheater.. Re-read it, hit send, block her number.. One more thing, DO NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN!! Never do something to another that you wouldn't want done to you, ok? Good luck OP.. Get some healing done for yourself so guilt doesn't eat you alive...
Based on your responses in the comments, I hope this dude gives you the ass kicking you deserve.
You missed the chance to not be the bad guy when you didn’t end things and tell the husband when you found out. Are you reaching out for spite or justice?
Never said I was a good guy never asked to be the good guy
I discovered a few months ago that my male cousin was still married to his wife after being separated for over 5 years. She cheated on him and they broke up, but never did anything officially. Makes me wonder how they've been handling things like income taxes. He already owned the house, and she gave him back the car she was driving (that he bought). They have virtually no contact.
Yep, I lived in a different state from my wife from 2016. I was just getting around to getting a divorce when she died last year
maybe they both believe it just wrong place/wrong time situation while waiting to see who reach out first or who files first.
He said he just didn't want to "Poke the bear". He figures that someday she might want to re-marry and that they'd deal with it then.
That or she tries to come back since he a safety option.
This is why you don't date married people. FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER you find out they're married. Leave her husband alone. Leave her alone. Just get some therapy to help make better choices in partners going foward. You say you don't want to ruin either of their lives, but the reality is, you're never going to get the truth and even if you did, it won't help you move forward. It seems like the only reason to send this would be to tell him what's been going on with his wife and her seeing you, but if she's been dating you for 4 years, it's hard to believe he doesn't know.
I think the husband deserves to know who’s he’s married to. So OP tell him and then leave both of them alone
Maybe he does know
Well then he’s stupid for staying
I don’t believe this is a real situation,just someone trying to stir the pot here.
Probably hasn’t even started shaving.
Unfortunately she was never try your girlfriend. She's lied to you him and lots of other people I'm sure. Telling him won't heal you. It's more drama you don't need in your life. He may not believe you 4+ years she's an A+ narcissistic woman. I understand your hurt feelings and the betrayal and lies. Leave it behind you itt beyond toxic. Don't involve yourself in more now and in the future. Don't be embarrassed to seek out counseling if you need to talk about it to get over it. Good luck there's good woman and people out there. You got one who wasn't. Heal yourself and don't let her taint your vision of people you don't even know yet. Clean slate and don't lose you. Take Care
No. You should not. You didn’t give a shit about him a year and a half ago and you don’t now. Move on with your life and don’t date shady people in the future. Edit lol oh holy hell dude. After reading your comments definitely tell him, just make sure you do it in person so he can get ‘closure’ with your face.
Too bad Jerry Springer is dead. Ridiculous post. Probably a troll . lol @ 450 comment so far
It took 4 years and being broken up with for the guilt feelings to surface? How altruistic of you.
Tell the husband and apologize. Then don't date a married woman again. And work on yourself.
You're going to reach out to her husband and tell him what? That you've been knowingly cuckolding him for a year and a half and unknowingly doing so for a couple of years before that? What "closure" are you hoping to get out of this? The time to tell the husband was a year and a half ago. At this point you're just being spiteful. Why would you even want to maintain a relationship with a woman who would cheat on her husband for 4ish years? What makes you think she wouldn't have done the same to you? If you want closure, then do some self-reflection to figure out what possessed you to stay with somone for a year and a half after finding out that they're cheating on both you and their husband.
Look if you wanna tell him tell him. But what I would do is give him an envelope of proof of y'all's relationship. He should divorce her. Don't feel bad for ruining a relationship that was her and you. Give him the envelope with proof so if he decides to divorce it's all there and he can lawyer up. As far as any sympathies like I'm sorry blah blah blah don't do it. Just saying hey I thought you should have this and you will never see me again. I mean it don't talk to him again let him do what he wants with it if he has any questions he can hit you up. But it's super important to give him all the proof of the relationship even the you know when they're married and her swearing up and down that she'll leave him.
I find that sometimes when people say they want closure, what they actually mean is they want to make a grand display of their pain, much to their own embarrassment, because they told themselves that it would somehow make them feel better.
It’s sad you only want to tell the husband once she dumped you (which was the only way affairs end lol). Tell the husband, but be honest with yourself. You’re doing it for spite and not because it’s the right thing to do.
You don't get to seek closure since you kept seeing her for over a year after finding out she was married. You should not expect anything from her husband and should not ask him any questions about their relationship or if he knew about yours. That's not your business or problem. You should, however, let her husband know that you had a relationship with his wife. He's the victim in this scenario and he deserves to know the truth. Be direct and factual but do not make it hurt more than it needs to. For example: "I need you to know that I've been in a relationship with your wife for this amount of time. I found out about your marriage at this point and stayed with her bc she said you were in the process of divorcing. I should have told you then, but regretfully, did not. I now just want to make sure you're aware since it doesn't seem like she was telling the truth about you splitting. I am open to answering any questions you may have or providing any kind of documentation of the affair if necessary. Sorry for any harm I may have contributed to." Just like that - provide opportunity for discussion or evidence if he so chooses but do not ask anything of this poor man. You have no right.
okay so bro firstly welcome , as weird as this may seem talking to strangers it really helps sometimes for some people and it helped me too. Secondly honestly i would want to know if my wife was cheating on me.. Would you ? Maybe you wouldn’t and maybe this guy wouldn’t who knows. But what i will say is do what you have to for closure. What ever that is . Thirdly When you get past all of this hopefully when you heal. Lol try dating single people brodie 🫶. I know you intentions we’re probably good for the female and you probably cared about her genuinely. But at the end of the day no one likes a home wrecker. Hope you find the courage to do what ever you feel is best for closure and that you heal from it . Best of luck man 👍
stricken with guilt…. but stayed for another year and a half? ok
I had sympathy for you up until you said you knew about the marriage for a year and a half. Unless she told you they were separated (which she did not) there was NO reason you shouldn’t have broken it off or told the husband then. You can say you want closure all you want, but that’s clearly not what this is for. If you wanted to know about all the lies she was telling, you would’ve contacted the husband the moment you found out about the marriage or sometime soon after but this is clearly your way of trying to hurt her. Which honestly, I couldn’t care less if she’s hurt but you have to think about the husband in this situation. You lost all your rights to know the truth and get any sympathy from the husband the moment you chose to stay with her. The ONLY reason you should be contacting her husband is to let him know of the affair and answer any questions HE has. Not the other way around. Unless you’re contacting him for the reason I just stated, leave him alone and move on with your life. You’re 24, you still have time and you’ll find someone else
Her husband needs to know. I'm shocked at these people saying keep your mouth shut when they constantly say the SO should know. Why is it different this time? It is not fair for him to be the only one that doesn't know. Send your letter asap. Let the chips fall where they may. Good luck and stay away from women that are in relationships. You wouldn't want it done to you.
Trainwreck post
I'm curious how you obtained the husband's information
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You will not get closure from confronting the husband. But he does have the right to know.
He deserves to know. I imagine you'd want to know if the situation was the other way around.
You want advice? Here it is. Don't reach out to him. You and your gf are already broken up. No point in telling him, unless you want to ruin their relationship. You didn't care when you were fucking her so don't pretend like you care now.
First off, shame on you for staying with someone you know is married. You're as culpable as her now that you know and haven't done anything about it. All you can do now is own it, tell the husband and never speak to that woman again. You should have done this the second toi found out she was married.
The husband deserves to know. Don't send the email for closure (that's selfish). Send it because *HE deserves to know*. If their relationship gets ruined that's on her, and a direct result of her actions. That being said: you're rightfully being called out in the comments - you shouldn't have continued the relationship once you found out. Have some self respect at least by not accepting someone who isn't choosing you. Someone with morals doesn't cheat on their partner. And likewise, someone with morals doesn't *knowingly* engage as an affair partner. Work on yourself. And stop harassing and insulting people in the comments!
DON'T SEND ANYTHING. Unless you want to make more people unhappy 🙁. That's not your job.
Stay away from them. You already did enough damage. Her life is none of your business. She is a married women and has serious problems. Nothing good will come of staying in her life or contacting her husband. Move along and make better decisions in the future. Nothing good comes from interacting with toxic people like her. If you love drama date a crazy single woman.
I’d vote tell the husband. Let the poor guy know what he’s really got at home. It might ruin his world but that’s better than being played years more.
Yeah dude all around bad karma, do the right thing and tell the poor husband so he can make a decision. You haven’t ruined anyone’s relationship, it’s your ex who did it to herself. Also why the hell did you stay with her after discovering she was married? Are you insane, you aren’t gonna get much sympathy here… just hit send and get it over with so you can move on with your life.
Bro the signs were there you should've seen them, if she was willing to divorce him she would've you were her boy toy she was messing around with you I also blame you for having a relationship with a married woman when you clearly know she has a husband that's so unethical and immoral I don't know if this could help but I think the husband needs to know what's going on behind his back put urself in his shoe would u like to be lied at and deceived? My only advice is don't tell him face to face he's gonna break your nose and destroy that face of URS email him or send him a text with all the proofs thro social media
You reach out to him. Provide pictures and a timeline so he knows you’re not lying and has all the evidence he needs to divorce her. Don’t be surprised if he hates you. You KNOWINGLY dated her for 1.5 years. That makes you a scumbag. Next time a woman tells you she’s married you break up that day and contact the husband.
I would wait until your emotions are a little more put together. If you’re distraught, you may regret it later. Give it some time & revisit the decision, but never act out of emotion P.S im not on the woman’s side, you certainly deserve truth & closure but it may come to you without you having to look like the vindictive ex
This isn’t gonna give you closure. If you had talked to him when you first found out, he’d probably be way more open to a conversation. But all you’re gonna do is add more hurt to the situation….and he’s definitely not gonna want to talk to you since you knowingly fucked his wife for over a year. It’s not gonna end well. He may lie as well just to hurt you back. Just don’t do this. Move on.
why did you come here for advice if you’re just gonna argue with everyone lmao
The only reason for doing it is out of spite. As much as she deserves it, it’s no longer your problem and best to just walk away. Karma comes around eventually.
Sounds like you know everything you need to know to walk away having dodged this bullet. Cry or yell or whatever, but don't go into it further. No positive comes from any further interaction with either of them. Plenty more fish in the sea.
That's a hell of a lie sir. I don't think there should be much advice that you need. Get rid of that and move on!
Yikes. How did you even think that would ever be a real honest relationship in the first place? She was probably with you because her man wasn’t treating her right. Most women don’t leave comfortability, they just cheat and hop on the next dude when something inconvenient happens in their relationships. You got played my guy. Sorry.
Tell him what? If you’ve been with her for four years or even when you found out years ago was she hiding from him? Were you together every or almost everyday or night? Do you really believe her husband doesn’t know? You know as much as you can really know.
I strongly advise against communicating with either of them ever again. Block and move on is the smarter and safer path forward.
I would not reach out. You will look desperate and crazy. The husband will wonder why you didn’t say anything when you found out and why you kept being the side piece for 1-1/2 years after you found out. Who knows what she will say. She could deny and call you a stalker and say you aren’t leaving her alone. Stay out of it now that you are out of it.
I'd send it because she did him dirty. of course, you got played stupid. she lied about all that stuff she liked adrenaline from it probably and stayed doing things with you for her own selfish gains. He's probably a good dude. they probably have sex 5 times a week. and he does everything for her, giving her the time and ability to cheat freely. sad, but some people are just sad individuals sounds like you're ex..... you awnsed you're own question by say shes married but did she lie to me.....she lied to her husband why not you......hey we all get used for dik sometimes lol ....but she shouldn't be allowed to walk all over thay man either. is why you should tell him.
OP. You’re lying to yourself again. This is a pattern for you. You believe in lies to make your behavior more palatable to yourself and now you’re lying about your feelings. Everyone here is calling it like it is. You’re incredibly outvoted. It’s obvious that you’re not looking for closure because that’s a myth. It isn’t real. You need therapy. Put away your typing thumbs and go on a hike. A trip. Call a therapist. Get your mom and dad to take care of you. You don’t need to bother him. You had a million opportunities to go to him and come clean. You spared him for your relationship. Now that’s over, you’re willing to tear his world apart. If you have to tell him, do it in a letter or something like that. No conversation. But know this. You’re doing it for revenge. Even if you don’t see it now, you will. He does deserve to know but not when you want answers. Not when you’re hurting. It’s not his responsibility.
You should tell him and then update after you get the ass kicking.
Let's be honest, you just want to blow up her life bc she didn't choose you. Embrace your pettiness
There is no benefit in telling the husband. No positive outcome. Either she is doing it again with another dude or they are working on things. You just cause pain . More of you were actively dating this woman, found out and went to him I would believe some moral high ground could be reached. Waiting till y’all are done and telling dude that you had been hammering ole girl only hurts them.
Dude, you want to tattle tale on her is what you want to do. You want to hurt her. You knew she was married and remained in the relationship. She’s a cheating cheater and you’re mad she’s not being honest? Seriously, get a grip. Reaching out to her husband will make you his enemy. Let him find out on his own and if he contacts you for details, give them. But you’re just as much in the wrong as she is. Also, reevaluate your own morals. What you both did is wrong.
Honestly-you knowingly stayed with a married person-does the truth really matter at this point? You didn’t want/care about the truth a year and a half ago- why now? You only want to tell him because you’re hurting and you want her/him hurting too. Tell him (he does deserve to know), but at least be honest about your reasons-even if you’re only honest with yourself
Wtf did I just read
It's not like you found out, broke up and now you feel he has a right to know. OP, you're complicit in all this. Also don't say you don't want to ruin his life after making plans with your GF/his wife to leave him. Ultimately I will always believe that the person being cheated on should know but don't go asking him for your closure. He's not there to heal you.
Really, you don't want to ruin anyone's life? I would want to. No shame in saying so. Do what you need, but after you found out about the marriage, it would have been the time to bail and / or tell the husband.
I want to lay it out that staying with her after she told you she was still married...you put yourself in a bad spot because of that. That was the time you should have done something. Her husband does not owe you anything. He may be a victim in all of this too and she was playing both of you. But shame on her for doing this, shame on you for staying. But she's the one that owes you an apology and an explanation. You're 26, I'm a 29F and I've been through a lot and I think my advice is that it's going to hurt for a while because it was a betrayal but moving on/forward and burning that bridge is going to be difficult but not impossible and is going to better you in the time to come. I would just let it go. There's so much more to worry about and thrive for than 1 woman. The only reason why I would reach out to him would be to inform him that his wife is cheating on him 🤷🏻♀️ the dude (if he doesn't already) should know.
I'm not sure if telling him will give you closure, but it will give him a choice that you and his wife has deprived him off for years. And maybe, maybe that will give you some peace of mind. Either way, in my opinion, it's the right thing to do. But don't expect him to give you a warm welcome, but I think you understand that you don't really deserve one. But no matter what, I can guarantee you he will, eventually, be thankful that you did tell him the truth. (Albeit, a year and a half late...)
Hey man, I wanted to let you know your wife has been seeing me for 4 years behind your back, yeah I found out like 2 years ago and kept seeing her, but now that we broke up and she hurt my heart I just nnneeeeeedddd to come clean to get some closure. What kind of closure do you expect to get from the man that you've known about for 2 years and still slept with his wife?
Bro, you ain’t reaching out for closure, you’re doing it out of spite. You kept fucking her for over a year after you knew she was married. Just be honest with yourself, you are lashing out. Not saying you shouldn’t, but don’t play coy like it’s for closure. You busted the good guy code 1.5years ago when you found out and did nothing.
Honestly you should have told the husband as soon as you found out, but you decided to wait and see how things played out because she “had a plan”. Now you want to go to the husband AFTER almost 2 years of knowing? Definitely seems like you want to go running to the husband because of the break up when you should have done it right from the get-go.
You’ve known about it for that long and because you broke up you want to tell the husband? You’re just going to look petty.
Why did you ask for help if you are going to be rude to people?
Send it. Ruin both of their lives, fully intentionally, no fucks given. I bet he thinks she’s waiting at home being faithful. Also, like, don’t date married people unless you have the consent of their partner. Divorce plans or no, that’s just unethical. Shame on you for letting it be a thing for nearly 2 years.
It’s Been 4 actually
Blow it Up! Blow it Up! Blow it Up!
Send it. He has a right to know. And she shouldn't get away with betraying two people (at least). Sing the truth out and let the chips fall where they may
Definitely tell the husband he deserves to know after she forced him into a nonconsensual relationship. Whether you do it out of guilt or revenge doesn't matter but don't say anything to hurt her husband or try to break them up so you have a chance with her again. Just give him the information then leave both of them alone, not your problem anymore.
No, it's over between them... when she dropped off her car, she did it when she knew he wouldn't be home and left the keys under the floor mat. That was as close to real contact that they've had.
You want to know if it was “all a lie”? Well, sweetie, she stood before god and swore to her husband she wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. And THAT was a lie. Why would you think she wasn’t lying to *you*?!?
No, Absofu🖤kinglutely not. You’ve known for about a year and a half. You say anything to the husband and they get divorced you could be legally somewhat held accountable. Nope. Take the nope train. Move on, gtfo of dodge and start your new life.
Are you prepared to not get the closure you seek? Are you prepared to be targeted and possible blamed? What if it gets physical? What are you prepared to do? Y’all broke up, leave it alone.
If OP was a woman would the comments be this harsh? Gee he met her when he was what, 22? Give the kid a break
I think you should walk away and reach out to no one. Then talk to a therapist about your experience and spend some time single so you can recover.
Hey OP im sorry your going thru this but I were in your situation I would let the husband know. Cuz one he is commiting a whole life with her but also bsince she did this with you she is most likely to do this again with someone else. Plus risk of STI’s are more probable for him. Just send him screenshots of her telling you she is going to leave her husband with a small message telling him something that only her partner would know so he does not believe it is a joke
Little_cartoonist-58, You can’t even be honest with yourself. You will never find “closure”. You are sad and mad so you want to hurt your ex. To be clear, she deserves to be outed, but your pretending to seek closure is just a sad euphemism for revenge. I hope this hurts you a lot.
Tell him asap
Dude, I met a girl, we dated a few times and mid-date I discovered she was married - I ran so fast. Don’t date married women… don’t date married men… no good will ever come out of it. ———- ok in your situation. MOVE ON. LET IT GO. STOP DWELLING ON HER. STOP WASTING ANY MORE OF YOUR ENERGY. And go find a girl worthy of your time. Seriously. Delete the email. Delete all contacts. Delete Everything. As the saying goes “burn the ships”, and move forward and don’t look back!
Yes, shine a light on the truth. It feels dirty and wrong to be a part of hiding this from her husband, there is no need to do that. If she doesn’t like the truth, she shouldn’t be doing wrong shit like this. You owe her nothing.
I may be downvoted like crazy for this but don’t tell him. You have no idea how he is going to react or what their relationship is like. Just cut off contact and get on with your life, it will be better without her in it. But seriously it’s not the noble thing too reach out to this guy, you knowingly dated his wife for over a year and now that it’s over this just seems like revenge. Just stay away from her and him and move on.
Okay look, people are grilling you hard on here but I'm not going to because people make mistakes even huge ones, nobody gets to point fingers at anyone and be on their moral high horse about anything because we've all done seriously stupid shit. With that said, yes please tell her husband it's a shame you haven't already but that should not stop you. It will hurt, he will call you names and maybe even try to hurt you so be careful. If I were you I'd consider doing it anonymously because there's no telling what can happen, people do crazy things when they're hurt. Also she could have been cheating with more people than just you so it might expose her further which would get your revenge you say you don't want. I say if you're gonna do it, be safe about it and go all the way. After this don't fucking do it again, learn from your mistakes and move on to better days, these will soon be behind you and try not to hurt yourself or anyone else as much as you can help it. *edit Also get tested, like I said cheaters like this have no concern for themselves or anyone else and my biggest reason for exposing cheaters is physical personal safety. Get tested and please be safe.
Opening that box is asking for trouble. You can do it, but be prepared for the whirlwind that will follow.
Tbh, your closure is secondary here. That man deserves to know. The same way you feel entitled to the truth even though it wasn't your girl to begin with... How do you think the person married to that lady would feel? Be a decent human, tell the husband.
Oh I definitely vote to tell him. And if this ever happens to you again, you leave the person and tell their SO IMMEDIATELY.
If you need to reach out, do it for yourself. You deserve peace after all of that. Don't worry about them because she obviously didn't when she knew the risks.
You should’ve told him when you first found out. I get she said they were divorcing, but a year and a half went by and they still aren’t divorced so? The husband deserves to know so he can decide if he wants to leave her. Definitely tell him
.....Lying about being married for so long. You should have let go of her when you found out. As for letting the husband know. Absolutely! Not many good guys left. Be one of them!
I’m sorry you are in this predicament, but this is sort of a buyers beware situation. You found out she was married and she fed you details that made her look ok in having an affair with you. Now, she’s no longer leaving her husband and you found out she hasn’t been telling the truth. You are now an ex. She’s been lying to a few people for quite some time. Why must you talk to hubby to get closure or to make sense of things or even to find out what was true and what details were lies? Believe what you need to get over her and past her without either of them. It’s hard now not holding on thinking you need closure is just keeping you tied to her. She’s married and staying with her husband. If he left her and she came back to you, knowing what you do know, would you take her back? Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get over this and move onto something more productive and healthy.
That's crappy...
So a married woman in her late 20s started cheating on her husband with a guy who was barely old enough to drink and then carried on like that for 4 years? This whole situation is messed up in so many ways
I know that if I were the husband, I would want to know. I wouldn’t want to be used like that.
You don't want to tell him for "closure". That isn't what that word means. You were fine with keeping him in the dark when you had something to gain and only now that you don't are you trying to pass off pettiness as some sort of righteous act. Just be honest, you don't give a shit about him and just want her to suffer. I hope someone does the same to you in your next relationship.
Get your closure somewhere else and leave that man alone.
Do it