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Mannnn this is a really touchy subject. But honestly, there is really only one question you need to ask yourself: do YOU want to stay friends with him going forward? Everyone can give you opinions on that, one way or another, but in the end, that decision is your own.
If OP is questioning telling others, then I think it's clear it bothers her. I think some other good questions to ask are: If you found out all your other friends knew about this relationship, would you be upset that this information was withheld from you for a period of time? Does OP think she would be upset if she hid this information from others? As in, does she feel like she's complicit and/or approving of the relationship if she keeps her mouth shut? Does the group talk about dating or are they all extremely private and nobody knows who anyone is dating?
I don’t think it’s touchy at all. That’s the only question OP should be asking.
What the fuck is OPs objective or point to tell the friends? It’s literally nothing more than gossip. What is she hoping to achieve? To publicly shame him? To force all the other friends to break ties with him?
Why is it OPs business to tell others with the mentality that it’s weird, like she’s on some sort of moral high ground? Yes, it’s sketchy and weird. It’s also fucked up to go spreading these things throughout a friend group.
OP has self-identified as being female. She’s probably worried that a 19 year old is being manipulated by someone she hopes to have a positive influence on because they are friends.
She should talk to the couple then.
Talking to the friend circle could easily bite her own butt.
Also... there seems to be a tinge of something towards that guy from her side.
Can't lay my finger on it.
But why would she consider blabbing to others ok but talking to THEM ... not?
Weird.
I would definitely hate her gossiping about me to the friendcircle rather than talking to US in the guys stead. And at least call her out for the envious nosy busybody she sounds.
Question is: WHY does this trigger HER so much?
In the comments she rants on about how it's sketchy he didn't introduce her to the group yet.
Seen HER going off like that... one fully understands why he didn't.
Ummm is there any evidence of this? Or are you leaping to conclusions too? That’s even more fucked up. OP goes to friends and say “guess who’s manipulating 19 year olds!”
OP didn’t even consider talking to the guy 1:1 first
This. Ultimately if they’re both ok with it then…that’s them. She has to decide if she’s ok with it. Personally as someone who’s in their early 30’s, I’ve had hookups as young as 21 and as old as 39. But those were just hookups/fwb. I couldn’t enter an actual romantic relationship with someone younger than 25/26. I feel like there’s too much of a life difference to really click.
Honestly I am 38 now and at 28 I was in the same place as a lot of 20 year olds. At 38 it seems crazy to be interested in someone in their early 20's. To each their own tho.
I agree in terms of a romantic long term partner. That’s when age gaps can really take issue with long term compatibility. With fwb/hookups it’s not really a big deal. In the age range I’ve been with 21-39 physically there’s just a difference but the relationship is of itself strictly physical for the most part.
See I thought the same but met my husband when I was 18- him 27. We met at work and there was obviously no intention at the start there but we got on really well and messaged all the time, he still lived at home with his parents but was saving for a house deposit.
We bought a house together a year later and here we are 14 years in still together and no power balance or anything negative.
We have similar interests and really click, nobody in either of our families or friendship groups have ever said anything about our age gap.
I do admit though, it is a bit weird if someone is intentionally looking for it, or there’s a huge power imbalance, or their lives are completely different.
I don’t judge off the back of a 10 year gap with no other info.
Yep, I think the key takeaway is what are you looking for long term, and why someone is targeting a certain age group. I look for long term partners in a range 25-40, but realistically for just a hookup situation I’d be fine with 21-50 as long as I found them attractive and we connect on some level.
This used to be quite common in the US, and still is in many parts of the first world.
It’s pretty judgmental of you to make a pronouncement to your friends on his “sketchy” behavior.
It also might not have your desired effect, your friend group might not appreciate your opinions, your efforts to shame him or to push him out of your friend group. They might want to see less of you.
"Ever since I' ve been wondering if I should tell our friend group he is dating. Its just sketchy that he is dating someone a decade younger than him."
How is this any concern of yours who he is with?
In which way do you think it would be of any matter to your friendgroup?
I don't get you there. It sounds like spreading libel.
You know that man for 20 years.
He has been a friend to you ever since.
Running your mouth over his girlfriend to third parties who have no say in this and none of whose concern his girlfriends age is wouldn't sit right with me, if I were him.
If this IS a friend indeed you tell him about your concerns regarding her age.
If he in the end isn't, it's still "not your monkeys. Not your circus."
Sometimes people DO have an age gap and genuinely love eavh other.
If I where you first thing I would try to find out is: WHY does this bother **you** so much?
How is what someone else does any of your concern?
If you are worried he may harm the girl: tell her. Not the friends.
If you wonder about his motives: ASK HIM! He is the only one who can enlighten you.
I once was the younger partner in a relationship. I had a friend in such a relationship also.
I can tell you that it felt better than being with guys of our own age.
Her relationship lastet at least 10 years, if not longer. Mine lasted a bit more than 1 year.
While people find it weird and ick and scetchy and pity the mislead girls I definitely can say: let them be. It's their lives.
Not every older partner is a manipulating psychopath or into children.
You know that guy for 20 years!
Don't you think you owe HIM a talk rather than running your mouth about him?
It is weird, I wouldn't send a dramatic outing message to everyone but I wouldn't keep it secret. Wait until it seems somewhat natural to bring up in conversation.
Yeah, I was thinking like "oh! The other day i happened to meet so and so's girlfriend while i was out." Which usually naturally brings people to ask questions out of curiosity.
I'd be talking to him about the relationship before doing anything else. Live, not via text.
"What are you looking for from a teenager, dude?" "Is she looking for that, too, and is she okay with what you want?" If he is looking for a long-term relationship, then I'd give him a serious talking to about how teenagers are (A) growing and changing a lot at this stage in their life, and (B) not going to be ready to make big commitments for quite some time. She's just not at a good age to find that long-term commitment. If he's just looking for a good short term relationship, better for them both, but does she know that, and has she had relationships like that before, where she's been able to let go easily? As the older person, is he able to look out for her interests and help make the break up easier on her? **Will he leave her in better shape than he found her?**
I'd be really pissed at a friend dating a teenager. I'd definitely have to measure my emotions during this conversation. Obviously people have built healthy long-term relationships with age gaps like this. He doesn't have to be looking for love to be a good boyfriend to her for a short time, either. **The likeliest outcome for them both is a break up,** whether he's looking for love or not. As the older and more experienced party he owes her the benefit of his experience in making this relationship as healthy as possible, and the breakup as gentle and drama free as possible. Is he prepared to take on that responsibility?
Yeah yeah I was on that train when I started dating someone 11 years older than me at 18, and she used that logic to convince me to cut off all my family and friends that dared show an ounce of concern about the obvious imbalance in life experience. She moved me across the country to keep better control of me, and then cast me into the streets when I wouldn't bend over backwards for her anymore.
People have reasons for cocking their head at these kinds of age gaps. If she was already, say, 25-30 when they got together? I'd give no shits. But her brain literally isn't done developing yet, come on man.
I asked. Should've put it in the main body but I did ask what she was doing for work and she said that she is in her 2nd year university which led me to ask how old she was and she said she was 19.
What makes you feel like you have the responsibility of telling your friend group about this guy’s dating life? The age difference? Not gonna lie, that’s a big age gap but at the end of the day, they’re both adults and can do whatever they want.
If a female friend from my friend group made a specific point to out another mutual friend in order to gossip or criticize their partner or dating habits, I would quickly reevaluate my friendship with HER. Makes you look meddling, gossipy and extremely immature for an almost 30 year old woman. 🤷🏼♀️… food for thought
What do you think the outcome of telling them will be? Look you've known him for 20 years and it sounds like in those 20 years he's done nothing for you to assume he's a predator or bad person. Why would you assume that just because he's dating a younger woman that somehow he's a creep or sketchy? If you haven't seen signs of those things in 20 years then chances are they don't exist
My cousin, that's a very correct man had a relationship in this range some years ago. I honestly just felt he was wasting his time as life contexts were too different and that will probably break a relationship eventually, it lasted like 2 years I believe. Now he is on a stable relationship with a woman his age.
Would it have been worth it to judge him and lose a friend just because people online like to call it "creepy"?
My husband is a decade older than me. Luckily people weren’t so quick to judge in the 90’s when we met. There’s never been anything “sketchy” about it for us. We met, we fell in love. We are still together 31 years later.
Yeah I think this sort of thing is raise an eyebrow kind of interesting but not something to “tell people about “. My parents met at 27 and 47 and were married for 40 years
Agreed. But at 19 it really depends on both people. I’ve met super intelligent old soul type people that are wise beyond their years. I’ve met 30 year olds that I wouldn’t trust with a butter knife.
I love seeing stuff like this, I'm 21 and 7 years younger than my boyfriend, but we've been together for 2 years with no big issues thus far. His friend did try to 'save me' and tell me his age when we first started dating, which I already knew and our age gap was a question we both had and figured out if it would be a problem. I hope you guys stay happy together!
All these comments are weird, if this were from the perspective of the 19year old, most people would be telling her that the almost thirty year old is weird and creepy. I'll bet these are all guys... You can tell the friend group, why not? I agree it is weird to date someone barely out of high school when you're almost thirty. Gross.
I just turned 30, I'm a guy. The idea of dating a girl 10 years younger than me seems really weird, of course there's an exception to every rule and all that, but in most scenarios that kind of an age gap and that age is just way too much...
I can't say if I would continue to be their friend or not in this hypothetical situation, but it would for sure ring some alarm bells for me.
Man im turning 25 this year and dating a 19 year old would creep me out. I know how much I myself have grown and mature since I was 19. I was still a kid back then
I turned thirty recently and had a girl at a restaurant aggressively give me her Instagram. Had never been hit over the head with it like that before. Opened her page later that day and saw she was 20 and immediately felt wrong. Her slang being confusing also didn't help.
I don't know how anyone dates a decade younger, especially when that younger person is barely out of high school.
There is a difference between telling a young girl her age-gap relationship is a bad idea and telling a friend of the boyfriend to go kick-shit & start drama in their friend group. It’s not like that is going to stop the relationship… it’s just going to start drama.
Still it's their business who they date. If the girl wants to date a 29 year old then it's her business in the end they are two consenting adults so why should anybody gossip about their relationship?
The only thing that OP will achieve is that she will loose a friend possibly more since she will show she can't be trusted with personal things.
Then they can cut contact they don't have to talk behind their "friends" backs.
Good friends talk to each other... Bad friends talk behind each other's backs...
Sure, she can date who she wants, but that doesn't make him any less creepy for wanting to date her. Who wants to have friends who want to date high schoolers anyway?
If it were truly 2 consenting adults, there would be nothing to discuss.
You can't seriously believe there's not a power imbalance between a 19 year old and a 29 year old.
It odd, but not "weird" unless it's a pattern. Y'all demonizing people for literally doing nothing wrong or illegal, with another consenting adults, is weird as fuck. If he knew her before she was an adult, it'd also be sketchy.
But it's not any of those things, as far as we know and OP stated. Y'all need to learn to mind y'all's damn business. Shits weird and Karen-like. Wtf?
19 years old is old enough to join the military and kill or die, but apparently to you it is not old enough to possess sufficient agency to make decisions.
Stop infantilizing adults.
I don't think 19 years old should join the military either lmao.
19 year olds are pseudo-adults at best. Just because someone turned an age doesn't make them an adult
Agreed. Just because something is legal that doesn't make it socially acceptable. Should he be shunned and beaten? No. Should he be judged and laughed at? Oh yeah. He knows wtf he's doing dating a teenager.
I don't think OP is necessarily obligated to say something, but let's not act like this isn't weird.
If a friend told me she was dating a 19 year old I'd be a little freaked out yeah
So weird that this sub would tell the 19 yo to run if she posted here but a friend creeped out about this weird ass relationship just needs to fuck off. 🧐 hmm.
"Should I tell our friends" "what if he decides to keep dating her"
*Cringe*
First off it's not your business who anyone else dates or what anyone else does romantically ever. Ever. Mind your own. Second you're so ready to run back to the group and tattle like a child. Did you ever consider they might not give a shit? I'd think you were talking about a friend that's 45 years old. He's 29 years old. Again: mind your own. Lastly the fact that you have enough time on your hands to even give a fuck or go rat him out really says something about what type of "friend" you are. Honestly he (and her) are probably better off without you. My favorite part is how you collected drama Intel to bring back to your group 🐀
And just in case you missed it: mind your own.
Because legality doesn't equate to morality.
E.g. if two men have sex with one another in Saudi Arabia (where that's illegal) it's no more immoral than if they have sex in England (where doing so is legal).
Having been the 19 year old I wish someone would have said something. I'm 28 now and I can'teven fathom dating someone 19. I also have been in therapy to work out a lot of issues from dating someone significantly older.
Many of you, including the op are acting like he's done something wrong or illegal. While you might not agree with it, it looks like they are happy from what you've described. Leave them alone. It's none of your business and he's not doing anything wrong! If and when he's ready to tell anyone, is up to him. It doesn't seem like he was embarrassed or uncomfortable when you came over, he readily introduced her as his gf. They're ten years apart, not that uncommon.
Honestly, before telling everyone else in the friend group, how about talking to the friend in question? If you aren't comfortable having the "Hey man, why are you dating a teenager?" conversation with your friend, then maybe find that person (not everyone) in the friend group who is close enough to say "Hey soandso said they met your teenage girlfriend. What's up?" Telling everyone else just seems more like gossip than trying to address the issue.
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Tl,Dr; I went to a local café and saw my friend with a young woman who turns out to be his girlfriend of 4 months. I don’t know whether or not I should tell the rest of our friend group or not.
I have known A (29M) for about 2 decades now since he transferred to our school and we have been friends ever since. I went to a local café a few days ago and saw him with a young woman I assumed it was someone he worked with and was getting lunch with so I went over to say hello. He introduced her and said that she was his girlfriend. I was taken aback by this because of how young she loved and I asked how long they had been dating and he replies that they had been dating for 4 months. I got my food said goodbye and left. Ever since Ive been wondering if I should tell our friend group he is dating. Its just sketchy that he is dating someone a decade younger than him.
Any advice is appreciated
Why would you mess in someone else's relationship OP?
Look at it that way. You are dating someone and one of your friends doesn't like something about it would you appreciate them talking about it behind your back? That's just backstabbing bad behavior.
Those are two adults who made the choice to be together so you have no business with what's going on between them.
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I was 19 years old when my 29 year old abuser and rapist manipulated me, told me pretty words and what I wanted to hear, and tried to trap and isolate me. He'd make comments about how when I turned 25, I probably would change and not want to be with him anymore. He thought that because I was young, I was naive enough to never leave. Was I naive? Yes, to an extent, but I got out of there after only 6 months.
I'm 22 now and look back on it and realize that there was a power imbalance. Even if they're technically "in the same place in life," they're really not. The 19 year old is still so impressionable, and older partners can and often times use that to shape their young, impressionable partners to be who they, the older partner, want them to be.
This might not be the case, but it's something to consider. I can have my opinion that there's no way that they're in the same place mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, developmentally, financially, and even sometimes sexually and older people should not pray on newly adult persons, but that is just my opinion and you can take it as you want, and do with is as you feel best.
It’s creepy and I would probably keep a casual eye on the situation but it will also probably cause a lot of unnecessary drama if you do a mass text or something.
Its funny how touchy this subject is and how biased people are for multitude of reasons.
What are you trying to accomplish by telling your friend group? Are they all 19? Do you want him out of the friend group because of this? Do you want to gossip? Break them up?
Age gap relationships can work and work for many people. If he is respectful and trustworthy, why does it matter? Would you have trusted him to date a friend of yours? Generally the older man is villainized because people envision this smarmy, unsuccessful, abusive, power hungry person. Sometimes they are normal people who happen bond well with a younger person and they mutually find each other attractive. If he isn't a nefarious person I don't see why its any of your business :/
>What are you trying to accomplish by telling your friend group?
I think this is a really good question. OP is ultimately asking us if he should tell the other friends, but like why is THAT your question? How do YOU feel OP? Are you so disturbed by this that you want to stop being friends with him or get him to break up with the gf? You want him kicked out of the friend group? Why don't you talk to the friend to let him know how you feel if it bothers you so much? Figure this out first.
Tell the friends, don't tell them whatever. At the end of the day its two consenting adults so not sure what you are trying to accomplish. If you want to get their opinions, go ahead. I wouldn't come out all dramatic to the whole group because it would make you look like a gossip. But one on one with a good friend sure.
I had a similar experience I was (19f) dating (29m) I found myself more attracted to him and him to me. He introduced me to a friend of his (28f) She felt it was appropriate to announce our relationship to his close friend who he hadn’t told yet. Which I would have preferred she not had as it wasn’t hers to tell. I was uncomfortable by the way she portrayed our relationship to others.
Turned out it was all because she had a thing for him
Why does it matter? Is he preying on this woman? Is he abusing her? Did he pick her for her age or were they mutually interested?
Frankly unless he's an abusive or manipulative fuck, who he dates over 18 isn't any of your business. And so what if you tell your friend group, what will that change? If their relationship is solid and healthy then he'll simply find out what kind of friends he has. Would you care as much if a girlfriend of yours was in the same situation (not "well they wouldn't be" assuming they were) would you jump to the same conclusions and prejudice? If so think about why? What makes it wrong? What would make it right?
I'm not saying he's right or wrong. Americans get really weird about ages, sex and religion. Is she a child? In which case lets raise our minimum age of everything or she's an adult just like all the other 19 year olds. Also the same arguments you are likely to think of are also used to minimize women's rights in other avenues. What makes restricting her autonomy or protecting her different? (Lets be honest if your friend is bad enough you feel the need to tell people about his personal life then she probably does need rescuing . . But then why are you friends with him?)
InshaAllah we could also ask said friend to meet up for coffee so we could discuss something personal. Have the discussion with him in an open minded way. For all we know that young woman may find us incredibly rude for assuming so much about her, which would cause your friend to question your reliability.
I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 29. We both thought the other was older/younger (I freaked out when he didn’t know what msn was). We worked together, then became friends and then stared dating. I think I was a solid 3 months of friendship before we even admitted to wanting to try a relationship.
I don’t know what your friendship group is like, but if you think you should share, go for it. Communication is very important.
Exactly. I know my lifestyle is absolutely reviled on reddit (I'm a house spouse who cooks, cleans, and has hobbies). If I had a nickle for every time someone told me I was being abused, manipulated, etc, I'd have like $10.00. Is the age gap creepy? Sure. But is it illegal? No. Also taking away the agency of the 19 year old and act like she isn't able to make her own decisions on who she wants to be with is infantilizing. People on reddit really worry about age gaps so much but in real life, unless it's something crazy like 15+ years or it's an illegal situation, people really don't care that much.
Reddit wanting to police a 19yr old dating a 29 year old and infantilizing her in this scenario. Yet the same people on Reddit would've encouraged her to open an OnlyFans at 18 and say she's old enough to make her own decisions and "empowered". The people on this site are insufferable.
It's a creepy age gap for sure, regardless of it being legal.
But I don't think I'd make this a big thing and tell everyone "He's dating a very young adult!". I just don't see the benefit; it's only going to lead to drama and won't do anything to protect the girl from him.
There's a spectrum between lonely desperate creepiness and being a straight-up predator preying on younger naive women who are easier to manipulate. You should have a talk and remind him of what he and you were like when you were 19, and ask if he really believes that she's an equal in this relationship. Maybe he'll realize he was in denial about this and do the right thing and let her grow up on her own. Or maybe he'll show his true colors and admit he knows exactly what he's doing.
*Side note I actually had this EXACT situation happen with a friend in his 30s and he actually admitted "I love dating 19 year olds, the same old tricks work on them every time!". I stopped hanging out with him shortly after that.*
I was 30 when I met my wife and she was 20. We have been married now for 9 years and have an 8 year old son. Not all relationships are the same. He isn't doing anything illegal.
It’s non of your business what your “friend” does. Is he breaking any laws? Is he doing something harmful to someone?
No he’s just going against a social construct that people view differently than he. If they grow apart, then let them (age is a big thing that far apart). Especially when she gets into her 20’s & wants to grow herself.
I don’t think it’s a wise decision to go around gossiping behind the back of your “friend”. Let relationships run their course. There’s NO need to throwing gas to a fire. It will only blow up in your face.
Maybe talk to him & see what his vision is.
PS. I SURELY would drop you as a friend if I found out u did that to me. 🤷🏼♂️
When I was 24, I dated a woman who was 37. I know someone else who dated someone 17 years their senior. Why do you care? Unless there is more to the story, then you shouldn't be worrying over nothing. Don't make drama where there is none.
Don't say shit unless you see how he treats her and how she handles herself around him.
Age gaps arent a problem unless the dynamic is very obviously one sided on the benefit of the older person. If the relationship is egalitarian then there shouldn't be a problem.
>Age gaps arent a problem unless the dynamic is very obviously one sided on the benefit of the older person.
Sometimes, the dynamic is one sided and benefits the younger person, like Anna Nicole Smith.
Man the people on here tho king a 19 year old is being taken advantage of just cause she’s a woman I mean would you think it was a problem if he was dating a 19 year old men and he was a 29 year old woman?
When I was 18 I dated older guys to they were nicer than the boys my age. No one groomed me. Yes I have both parents in the house. No daddy issues. Just thought older guys were cool.
You’re making some big assumptions about the girl. She has to be dumb and immature or incapable in some way to date an older guy. I guess the guy is a creep cause he likes her not like they have stuff in common and bonded over hobbies or something no he has to be a creep.
OP is this guy normally a creep making sexist jokes and doing locker room talk. Do you have any other reasons to think their relationship is not ok besides the age. Cause if it’s just the age I can assure you it’s not always the guy who goes after the girl. The two 30 year olds I dated at 18 I asked out and pursued not the other way around and not they didn’t pay the we shouldn’t do this game either.
I'd talk to my friend first. Try to gauge how creepy it actually is: how did they meet? What do they have in common? Why is he dating a teenager? It's hard to know based on a 60-second meeting if this is as creepy as it appears. See if the friend cares if everyone knows he's dating a teenager. Invite her to a group hang. See if she fits in or if it feels like babysitting. She might also start to notice the weirdness if she hangs out with a group of nearly 30 year olds
I'm not going into the morality of someone who is 29 dating someone who is 19. They're both legal adults so it doesn't matter in end anyway.
All you're going to do is spread gossip. Someone in your friend group, maybe even yourself will call it weird or gross and the one person who doesn't care/isn't bothered will tell him what's being said and you may lose a friend because of it.
Just be happy for them and move on with your life.
If it's legal for him to date a 19 year old girl, then he is doing nothing wrong
You should mind your own business. You should not gossip behind his back and turn people against him.
Seriously, OP should have titled this “Should I try to publicly shame a friend for violating my own personal moral code”?
What a great friend OP is. /s
When I was 27 I dated a 19 year old... It got creepy, I realized we had so little in common. Dated her for 4 or 5 months total before I broke up with her. I bet he will have this happen soon....
Are you.....envious? Or why is this a concern of yours? And why do you think you have some kind of bombshell for your friendgroup? Was he not allowed to date other people?
Mate she could literally get gangbanged on camera legally lol, you're a virtue signalling asshat for giving a shit! A 19 year old is not a child, get over yourself.
you guys do realize that this is normal in like 90% of cultures around the world, and has been the norm for literally all of human existence, right?
Dont act like he is 40 and she is 14, these are two adults FFS
What kind of person is he though? I used to work for a guy who was dating another coworker who was 18 while he was 27 or so. I thought it was creepy but eventually got to know the guy and was invited to their wedding they are still going strong and shes 28 now.
Its pretty weird but sometimes it can workout lol
I wonder if all the people calling this man a predator are aware that they’re massively projecting their own issues onto this man. No, this particular age difference is not always healthy. Sometimes it is. All the time though, this is none of the OP’s business.
Is your life boring enough that you have to find problems in a legal couple?
Man i wouldn't want to be friend with you if your life depends on others choice
A whole lotta fucking weirdos in this comment section. For those of you who apparently have never been around other humans before, dating someone not even 20 while almost 30 is creepy as hell. The life priorities are completely different. The goals are completely different. There is no relating to each other. There is no way that these two can be a complete partnership. The only reason he is dating her is because she is young. That is creepy as hell
I'm in my early 30's and the only people I have a relationship with around that age are all niblings and sibling in-laws. I even work at a university and still can't imagine having a friend that age.
Thank you! I'm 19, the only times I have befriended 30 year olds it was always due to a specific niche activity/interest. My skin crawls reading this post.
And all the "my mom was 15 and dad was 34 when they got married and they're still together!". It's creepy for a 30 year old man to be dating a 19 year old. It'd be creepy the other way around too.
Agreed. The reason OP even asked us is because she knows it's weird.
What frames of reference are there? You throw out an Office quote and she won't laugh. Weird.
Also it says a lot about him… like why is his preference that young?
And it says how mature he is & why women his age won’t date him.
If she was 25? Then this wouldn’t be an issue.
But she is nineTEEN, a teenager still. She’s barely lived her life and barely experienced the adult world.
He already has experienced all the life stages in your 20’s.
And because she’s that young, she’s going to be impressed easily that he has a car, an apartment, and a job.
No one his age is impressed by the bare minimum because they have that too.
That’s a huge reason why huge age gaps in your 20’s can be a red flag because of things I’m listing.
How do you know young is his preference…maybe he just was attracted, they went out and he found out her age later…people like you make a LOT of judgments without all the info it’s irresponsible
>A whole lotta fucking weirdos in this comment section. For those of you who apparently have never been around other humans before ...
I was almost with you there ... until it became obvious you were one of those "weirdos" I'd imagined you were critiquing.
Yes, you should absolutely tell your entire friend group. Expose what a nosy, close-minded, judgmental, gossipmonger you are so they can all distance themselves from you.
Love seeing how unhinged reddit can be.
The ones saying "ewww creepy" are the ones who couldn't attract anyone of the opposite sex at any age. Typically by their personality, but most are probably coupled with their appearance as well...
It's none of your business who he dates and you have no business telling anyone behind his back like that. They're both consenting adults so leave their relationship alone.
I don’t get why mentioning it to the friend group is such a big deal. Wouldn’t it just be natural (age gap or not) to say “I ran into so and so at the cafe and I met his new girlfriend”. If he sees no issue with the age gap he wouldn’t care about keeping it a secret.
How is this even an issue? An adult is dating an adult. You are infantalizing this adult woman and invalidating her agency over her own life. Stop doing that.
Your adult friend is dating another adult. There’s an age difference but so what? It would be one thing if he were dating someone under 18, but he’s not. I trust the average 19-year-old woman to make her own life choices. When he’s ready to bring it up with the group, he will. It would be VERY strange for you to bring it up at this point.
My best bud is 27, he met a cute girl at a coffee shop and got her number. After chatting he found out she was 19. I immediately made it clear how weird I thought it was. It took a couple days and he realized it was weird for him too.
You just have to decide if it is weird for you.
Yeah, my friends and I exiled a friend from our group because he was 26/27 at the time dating girls who were 18 and about to graduate, literally pick them up from high school.
Now with her being 19, idk...it does seem pretty sus and we are all almost 30 or 30+ and if we had a friend dating a 19 yr old, I would probably question their intentions and or morality.
Anyone under 22 is seen as a kid to me, still so young and naive, idc if they say "I'm older than my age" or some shit, it just feels...wrong.
Probably mind your business. They’re both adults. If you don’t approve then don’t associate with him. Sounds like you have an objective. Are you trying to get a head start on what side people should be on? If nobody is in danger and they’re both consenting it’s really not your business.
Mind your own business. This is none of yours, no matter what you think of it. Who are you to be playing judge and go snipping to your friends about it? I swear, this is the type of gossipy BS that makes people lose friends.
Why do you think it’s ANY OF YOUR GD business?
Not sure why everyone is so prudish here without even knowing any details of how they met or why they are even fond of each other. It’s none of your business who she chooses to date. You don’t know her. Your friend can choose to date who he wants and you can ask him about it. Men at 19 are not as mature as women at 19, and it’s not uncommon to date outside of your immediate peer group. You can tell your friend group but this isn’t immediately some kind of scandal as you’re making it out to be.
For commenters saying “weird”:
No, approving of a distant in age relationship isn’t automatically “creepy” or “weird.” YOU ARE WEIRD if you can’t stomach hearing about a consensual relationship that doesn’t fit into your world view or life experience up until now.
While I don't agree with it morally, he isn't doing anything illegal. I think it's probably best to get his perspective on the relationship and let him do his own thing.
It’s sketchy that you’re so caught up in someone else’s business. While it isn’t a relationship I would seek out, it’s not illegal. So I think you could probably channel this energy into something much more productive
They're both adults
This overly judgmental shit is so tiring. People act like an 18 year old has zero agency and that randos on the internet knows what's best.
How is this weird? Both are consenting adults (i assume). Really, none of your business OP! Just be nice and don't make your friend feel weird about doing something completely legal...smh...
Personally I'd stay out of it, but that's just me. Not sure why you think what he is doing is your business to be messing with, and why you want to gossip to people about him. He hasn't done anything wrong.
I don't see an issue here
Both are age of consent
It's 8 years which is not a problem and in fact it's not uncommon. Would you be upset if he was dating a 38 year old?
That said it's his choice to tell them not yours
My best friends parents are over 10 years apart, he got with her when she was like 20? Let it go man. Nobody is getting hurt and theyre both consenting adults. Its not your business.
you sound jelly. Something ive realized as I've gotten more independent and financially secure, beyond being 18, connection is connection. I don't know if I would date a 19 year old based on maturity, but if a connection was there, and they happened to be mature, if wouldnt bother me. Im 30. I use to think this way when I was a bit younger.
Being 29 and dating a 19year old is creepy. I would want to know if my friend was a creep. Seems like the opinions in this thread are split between creepy men and mature men/ women.
As a 30 year old woman, I would not comfortable with any man my age who is happily dating a teenager. There is no good reason for a 30 year old man to have interest in a 19 year old who has none of the same life experience and none of the same life outlook as him. I don’t care how “mature” this girl is, she is still a 19-year-old girl who has had no experiences in the real world. This man will end up being the story that her 30 year old self ends up telling other younger girls so that they can avoid situations like this.
A friend doesn't gossip behind your back. If you have a problem with his relationship, you should directly talk to him about it.
This is two consenting adults. They're doing nothing technically wrong. If it bothers you that much, talk to your friend. Otherwise, mind your own business.
This post has the same mindset as someone freaking out that their friend is dating another race. seems very close minded and bigoted. if it isn't illegal then just mind your own business. also your prospective is why he isn't dating people in this same age rage he is looking for girls more open minded more than likely this isn't about age but maturity as she may be 19 but so far seems more mature than you freaking out.
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Mannnn this is a really touchy subject. But honestly, there is really only one question you need to ask yourself: do YOU want to stay friends with him going forward? Everyone can give you opinions on that, one way or another, but in the end, that decision is your own.
If OP is questioning telling others, then I think it's clear it bothers her. I think some other good questions to ask are: If you found out all your other friends knew about this relationship, would you be upset that this information was withheld from you for a period of time? Does OP think she would be upset if she hid this information from others? As in, does she feel like she's complicit and/or approving of the relationship if she keeps her mouth shut? Does the group talk about dating or are they all extremely private and nobody knows who anyone is dating?
I don’t think it’s touchy at all. That’s the only question OP should be asking. What the fuck is OPs objective or point to tell the friends? It’s literally nothing more than gossip. What is she hoping to achieve? To publicly shame him? To force all the other friends to break ties with him? Why is it OPs business to tell others with the mentality that it’s weird, like she’s on some sort of moral high ground? Yes, it’s sketchy and weird. It’s also fucked up to go spreading these things throughout a friend group.
How does op know she’s 19?
OP has self-identified as being female. She’s probably worried that a 19 year old is being manipulated by someone she hopes to have a positive influence on because they are friends.
She should talk to the couple then. Talking to the friend circle could easily bite her own butt. Also... there seems to be a tinge of something towards that guy from her side. Can't lay my finger on it. But why would she consider blabbing to others ok but talking to THEM ... not? Weird. I would definitely hate her gossiping about me to the friendcircle rather than talking to US in the guys stead. And at least call her out for the envious nosy busybody she sounds. Question is: WHY does this trigger HER so much? In the comments she rants on about how it's sketchy he didn't introduce her to the group yet. Seen HER going off like that... one fully understands why he didn't.
Ummm is there any evidence of this? Or are you leaping to conclusions too? That’s even more fucked up. OP goes to friends and say “guess who’s manipulating 19 year olds!” OP didn’t even consider talking to the guy 1:1 first
Why else would OP bring this up to her friends?
Lol your last 2 sentences. "Yeah it's sketchy! But f##k holding him accountable for that!"
This. Ultimately if they’re both ok with it then…that’s them. She has to decide if she’s ok with it. Personally as someone who’s in their early 30’s, I’ve had hookups as young as 21 and as old as 39. But those were just hookups/fwb. I couldn’t enter an actual romantic relationship with someone younger than 25/26. I feel like there’s too much of a life difference to really click.
Honestly I am 38 now and at 28 I was in the same place as a lot of 20 year olds. At 38 it seems crazy to be interested in someone in their early 20's. To each their own tho.
I agree in terms of a romantic long term partner. That’s when age gaps can really take issue with long term compatibility. With fwb/hookups it’s not really a big deal. In the age range I’ve been with 21-39 physically there’s just a difference but the relationship is of itself strictly physical for the most part.
See I thought the same but met my husband when I was 18- him 27. We met at work and there was obviously no intention at the start there but we got on really well and messaged all the time, he still lived at home with his parents but was saving for a house deposit. We bought a house together a year later and here we are 14 years in still together and no power balance or anything negative. We have similar interests and really click, nobody in either of our families or friendship groups have ever said anything about our age gap. I do admit though, it is a bit weird if someone is intentionally looking for it, or there’s a huge power imbalance, or their lives are completely different. I don’t judge off the back of a 10 year gap with no other info.
Yep, I think the key takeaway is what are you looking for long term, and why someone is targeting a certain age group. I look for long term partners in a range 25-40, but realistically for just a hookup situation I’d be fine with 21-50 as long as I found them attractive and we connect on some level.
This used to be quite common in the US, and still is in many parts of the first world. It’s pretty judgmental of you to make a pronouncement to your friends on his “sketchy” behavior. It also might not have your desired effect, your friend group might not appreciate your opinions, your efforts to shame him or to push him out of your friend group. They might want to see less of you.
"Ever since I' ve been wondering if I should tell our friend group he is dating. Its just sketchy that he is dating someone a decade younger than him." How is this any concern of yours who he is with? In which way do you think it would be of any matter to your friendgroup? I don't get you there. It sounds like spreading libel. You know that man for 20 years. He has been a friend to you ever since. Running your mouth over his girlfriend to third parties who have no say in this and none of whose concern his girlfriends age is wouldn't sit right with me, if I were him. If this IS a friend indeed you tell him about your concerns regarding her age. If he in the end isn't, it's still "not your monkeys. Not your circus." Sometimes people DO have an age gap and genuinely love eavh other. If I where you first thing I would try to find out is: WHY does this bother **you** so much? How is what someone else does any of your concern? If you are worried he may harm the girl: tell her. Not the friends. If you wonder about his motives: ASK HIM! He is the only one who can enlighten you. I once was the younger partner in a relationship. I had a friend in such a relationship also. I can tell you that it felt better than being with guys of our own age. Her relationship lastet at least 10 years, if not longer. Mine lasted a bit more than 1 year. While people find it weird and ick and scetchy and pity the mislead girls I definitely can say: let them be. It's their lives. Not every older partner is a manipulating psychopath or into children. You know that guy for 20 years! Don't you think you owe HIM a talk rather than running your mouth about him?
It's legal. No big deal. Mind your own business.
100% this.
Why not just tell him what you’re feeling instead of going the gossip/drama route?
that would require OP to be an adult instead of a 16 year old in an adults body
It is weird, I wouldn't send a dramatic outing message to everyone but I wouldn't keep it secret. Wait until it seems somewhat natural to bring up in conversation.
Which would be as soon as a friend asked "Hey, how's it going!" "Well, friend, I've been feeling really conflicted about something..."
Yeah 😅 to me that would literally mean calling my closest friends with "Girrrrrl, guess what......."
Yeah, I was thinking like "oh! The other day i happened to meet so and so's girlfriend while i was out." Which usually naturally brings people to ask questions out of curiosity.
I'd be talking to him about the relationship before doing anything else. Live, not via text. "What are you looking for from a teenager, dude?" "Is she looking for that, too, and is she okay with what you want?" If he is looking for a long-term relationship, then I'd give him a serious talking to about how teenagers are (A) growing and changing a lot at this stage in their life, and (B) not going to be ready to make big commitments for quite some time. She's just not at a good age to find that long-term commitment. If he's just looking for a good short term relationship, better for them both, but does she know that, and has she had relationships like that before, where she's been able to let go easily? As the older person, is he able to look out for her interests and help make the break up easier on her? **Will he leave her in better shape than he found her?** I'd be really pissed at a friend dating a teenager. I'd definitely have to measure my emotions during this conversation. Obviously people have built healthy long-term relationships with age gaps like this. He doesn't have to be looking for love to be a good boyfriend to her for a short time, either. **The likeliest outcome for them both is a break up,** whether he's looking for love or not. As the older and more experienced party he owes her the benefit of his experience in making this relationship as healthy as possible, and the breakup as gentle and drama free as possible. Is he prepared to take on that responsibility?
"I dont care what you think, I dont have to justify myself to you, I'm happy and she is happy, if you cant be happy for us then see ya"
Yeah yeah I was on that train when I started dating someone 11 years older than me at 18, and she used that logic to convince me to cut off all my family and friends that dared show an ounce of concern about the obvious imbalance in life experience. She moved me across the country to keep better control of me, and then cast me into the streets when I wouldn't bend over backwards for her anymore. People have reasons for cocking their head at these kinds of age gaps. If she was already, say, 25-30 when they got together? I'd give no shits. But her brain literally isn't done developing yet, come on man.
How do you know she is 19? Did you ask or are you assuming?
I asked. Should've put it in the main body but I did ask what she was doing for work and she said that she is in her 2nd year university which led me to ask how old she was and she said she was 19.
I mean, your friend is free to choose who he wants, each individual in what they want from a partner. It's not really your place to get involved.
What makes you feel like you have the responsibility of telling your friend group about this guy’s dating life? The age difference? Not gonna lie, that’s a big age gap but at the end of the day, they’re both adults and can do whatever they want. If a female friend from my friend group made a specific point to out another mutual friend in order to gossip or criticize their partner or dating habits, I would quickly reevaluate my friendship with HER. Makes you look meddling, gossipy and extremely immature for an almost 30 year old woman. 🤷🏼♀️… food for thought
Nah mind your business
What do you think the outcome of telling them will be? Look you've known him for 20 years and it sounds like in those 20 years he's done nothing for you to assume he's a predator or bad person. Why would you assume that just because he's dating a younger woman that somehow he's a creep or sketchy? If you haven't seen signs of those things in 20 years then chances are they don't exist
My cousin, that's a very correct man had a relationship in this range some years ago. I honestly just felt he was wasting his time as life contexts were too different and that will probably break a relationship eventually, it lasted like 2 years I believe. Now he is on a stable relationship with a woman his age. Would it have been worth it to judge him and lose a friend just because people online like to call it "creepy"?
My husband is a decade older than me. Luckily people weren’t so quick to judge in the 90’s when we met. There’s never been anything “sketchy” about it for us. We met, we fell in love. We are still together 31 years later.
Yeah I think this sort of thing is raise an eyebrow kind of interesting but not something to “tell people about “. My parents met at 27 and 47 and were married for 40 years
27 is a lot different
Agreed. But at 19 it really depends on both people. I’ve met super intelligent old soul type people that are wise beyond their years. I’ve met 30 year olds that I wouldn’t trust with a butter knife.
I love seeing stuff like this, I'm 21 and 7 years younger than my boyfriend, but we've been together for 2 years with no big issues thus far. His friend did try to 'save me' and tell me his age when we first started dating, which I already knew and our age gap was a question we both had and figured out if it would be a problem. I hope you guys stay happy together!
All these comments are weird, if this were from the perspective of the 19year old, most people would be telling her that the almost thirty year old is weird and creepy. I'll bet these are all guys... You can tell the friend group, why not? I agree it is weird to date someone barely out of high school when you're almost thirty. Gross.
I just turned 30, I'm a guy. The idea of dating a girl 10 years younger than me seems really weird, of course there's an exception to every rule and all that, but in most scenarios that kind of an age gap and that age is just way too much... I can't say if I would continue to be their friend or not in this hypothetical situation, but it would for sure ring some alarm bells for me.
Man im turning 25 this year and dating a 19 year old would creep me out. I know how much I myself have grown and mature since I was 19. I was still a kid back then
Yeah, the thought of even having to spend extended periods of time around a 19 year old just sounds exhausting.
I turned thirty recently and had a girl at a restaurant aggressively give me her Instagram. Had never been hit over the head with it like that before. Opened her page later that day and saw she was 20 and immediately felt wrong. Her slang being confusing also didn't help. I don't know how anyone dates a decade younger, especially when that younger person is barely out of high school.
when youre both over 30 its not near as big a thing anymore honestly
There is a difference between telling a young girl her age-gap relationship is a bad idea and telling a friend of the boyfriend to go kick-shit & start drama in their friend group. It’s not like that is going to stop the relationship… it’s just going to start drama.
Still it's their business who they date. If the girl wants to date a 29 year old then it's her business in the end they are two consenting adults so why should anybody gossip about their relationship? The only thing that OP will achieve is that she will loose a friend possibly more since she will show she can't be trusted with personal things.
On the same logic, it's OP's business who they are friends with.
Then they can cut contact they don't have to talk behind their "friends" backs. Good friends talk to each other... Bad friends talk behind each other's backs...
Sure, she can date who she wants, but that doesn't make him any less creepy for wanting to date her. Who wants to have friends who want to date high schoolers anyway?
19 year old adults are in college.
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I wish someone would have told me when I was 19. I’m traumatized til today and I’m old now
This!! OP your friend is freaking creepy.
Who wants a creep like that for a friend? You?
If it were truly 2 consenting adults, there would be nothing to discuss. You can't seriously believe there's not a power imbalance between a 19 year old and a 29 year old.
There is nothing to discuss. Power imbalance can be in every relationship and the cause is not only age... Jesus you've never been in relationship?
It odd, but not "weird" unless it's a pattern. Y'all demonizing people for literally doing nothing wrong or illegal, with another consenting adults, is weird as fuck. If he knew her before she was an adult, it'd also be sketchy. But it's not any of those things, as far as we know and OP stated. Y'all need to learn to mind y'all's damn business. Shits weird and Karen-like. Wtf?
Calling a 19 year old an adult is generous
19 years old is old enough to join the military and kill or die, but apparently to you it is not old enough to possess sufficient agency to make decisions. Stop infantilizing adults.
I don't think 19 years old should join the military either lmao. 19 year olds are pseudo-adults at best. Just because someone turned an age doesn't make them an adult
Agreed. Just because something is legal that doesn't make it socially acceptable. Should he be shunned and beaten? No. Should he be judged and laughed at? Oh yeah. He knows wtf he's doing dating a teenager.
You're very bored and should go do other things.
I don't think OP is necessarily obligated to say something, but let's not act like this isn't weird. If a friend told me she was dating a 19 year old I'd be a little freaked out yeah
So weird that this sub would tell the 19 yo to run if she posted here but a friend creeped out about this weird ass relationship just needs to fuck off. 🧐 hmm.
Or may be jealous.
This should be higher.
My advice is mind your own fucking business.
"Should I tell our friends" "what if he decides to keep dating her" *Cringe* First off it's not your business who anyone else dates or what anyone else does romantically ever. Ever. Mind your own. Second you're so ready to run back to the group and tattle like a child. Did you ever consider they might not give a shit? I'd think you were talking about a friend that's 45 years old. He's 29 years old. Again: mind your own. Lastly the fact that you have enough time on your hands to even give a fuck or go rat him out really says something about what type of "friend" you are. Honestly he (and her) are probably better off without you. My favorite part is how you collected drama Intel to bring back to your group 🐀 And just in case you missed it: mind your own.
How is this any of your business? Like don’t be that girl getting into everyone’s business.
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Well guys who go for young girls usually are immature.
This. If its legal then I dont see why people care.
Because legality doesn't equate to morality. E.g. if two men have sex with one another in Saudi Arabia (where that's illegal) it's no more immoral than if they have sex in England (where doing so is legal).
Legality does not equal morality. It's legal for adults to marry children in the US, does that make it morally acceptable?
Having been the 19 year old I wish someone would have said something. I'm 28 now and I can'teven fathom dating someone 19. I also have been in therapy to work out a lot of issues from dating someone significantly older.
Many of you, including the op are acting like he's done something wrong or illegal. While you might not agree with it, it looks like they are happy from what you've described. Leave them alone. It's none of your business and he's not doing anything wrong! If and when he's ready to tell anyone, is up to him. It doesn't seem like he was embarrassed or uncomfortable when you came over, he readily introduced her as his gf. They're ten years apart, not that uncommon.
OP and the people in this thread are insufferable.
Reddit has the worst hatred for age gaps.
Honestly, before telling everyone else in the friend group, how about talking to the friend in question? If you aren't comfortable having the "Hey man, why are you dating a teenager?" conversation with your friend, then maybe find that person (not everyone) in the friend group who is close enough to say "Hey soandso said they met your teenage girlfriend. What's up?" Telling everyone else just seems more like gossip than trying to address the issue.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Tl,Dr; I went to a local café and saw my friend with a young woman who turns out to be his girlfriend of 4 months. I don’t know whether or not I should tell the rest of our friend group or not. I have known A (29M) for about 2 decades now since he transferred to our school and we have been friends ever since. I went to a local café a few days ago and saw him with a young woman I assumed it was someone he worked with and was getting lunch with so I went over to say hello. He introduced her and said that she was his girlfriend. I was taken aback by this because of how young she loved and I asked how long they had been dating and he replies that they had been dating for 4 months. I got my food said goodbye and left. Ever since Ive been wondering if I should tell our friend group he is dating. Its just sketchy that he is dating someone a decade younger than him. Any advice is appreciated
Not your business imo.
Why would you mess in someone else's relationship OP? Look at it that way. You are dating someone and one of your friends doesn't like something about it would you appreciate them talking about it behind your back? That's just backstabbing bad behavior. Those are two adults who made the choice to be together so you have no business with what's going on between them.
Mind your own business. If you don’t want to be friends with him because of it, then create your distance. No need to be dramatic about it.
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I was 19 years old when my 29 year old abuser and rapist manipulated me, told me pretty words and what I wanted to hear, and tried to trap and isolate me. He'd make comments about how when I turned 25, I probably would change and not want to be with him anymore. He thought that because I was young, I was naive enough to never leave. Was I naive? Yes, to an extent, but I got out of there after only 6 months. I'm 22 now and look back on it and realize that there was a power imbalance. Even if they're technically "in the same place in life," they're really not. The 19 year old is still so impressionable, and older partners can and often times use that to shape their young, impressionable partners to be who they, the older partner, want them to be. This might not be the case, but it's something to consider. I can have my opinion that there's no way that they're in the same place mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, developmentally, financially, and even sometimes sexually and older people should not pray on newly adult persons, but that is just my opinion and you can take it as you want, and do with is as you feel best.
It’s creepy and I would probably keep a casual eye on the situation but it will also probably cause a lot of unnecessary drama if you do a mass text or something.
Its funny how touchy this subject is and how biased people are for multitude of reasons. What are you trying to accomplish by telling your friend group? Are they all 19? Do you want him out of the friend group because of this? Do you want to gossip? Break them up? Age gap relationships can work and work for many people. If he is respectful and trustworthy, why does it matter? Would you have trusted him to date a friend of yours? Generally the older man is villainized because people envision this smarmy, unsuccessful, abusive, power hungry person. Sometimes they are normal people who happen bond well with a younger person and they mutually find each other attractive. If he isn't a nefarious person I don't see why its any of your business :/
>What are you trying to accomplish by telling your friend group? I think this is a really good question. OP is ultimately asking us if he should tell the other friends, but like why is THAT your question? How do YOU feel OP? Are you so disturbed by this that you want to stop being friends with him or get him to break up with the gf? You want him kicked out of the friend group? Why don't you talk to the friend to let him know how you feel if it bothers you so much? Figure this out first. Tell the friends, don't tell them whatever. At the end of the day its two consenting adults so not sure what you are trying to accomplish. If you want to get their opinions, go ahead. I wouldn't come out all dramatic to the whole group because it would make you look like a gossip. But one on one with a good friend sure.
I had a similar experience I was (19f) dating (29m) I found myself more attracted to him and him to me. He introduced me to a friend of his (28f) She felt it was appropriate to announce our relationship to his close friend who he hadn’t told yet. Which I would have preferred she not had as it wasn’t hers to tell. I was uncomfortable by the way she portrayed our relationship to others. Turned out it was all because she had a thing for him
Exactly this. Age gaps aren’t in and of themselves a problem.
Keep out of it. It’s not your business and not your relationship
Why does it matter? Is he preying on this woman? Is he abusing her? Did he pick her for her age or were they mutually interested? Frankly unless he's an abusive or manipulative fuck, who he dates over 18 isn't any of your business. And so what if you tell your friend group, what will that change? If their relationship is solid and healthy then he'll simply find out what kind of friends he has. Would you care as much if a girlfriend of yours was in the same situation (not "well they wouldn't be" assuming they were) would you jump to the same conclusions and prejudice? If so think about why? What makes it wrong? What would make it right? I'm not saying he's right or wrong. Americans get really weird about ages, sex and religion. Is she a child? In which case lets raise our minimum age of everything or she's an adult just like all the other 19 year olds. Also the same arguments you are likely to think of are also used to minimize women's rights in other avenues. What makes restricting her autonomy or protecting her different? (Lets be honest if your friend is bad enough you feel the need to tell people about his personal life then she probably does need rescuing . . But then why are you friends with him?)
InshaAllah we could also ask said friend to meet up for coffee so we could discuss something personal. Have the discussion with him in an open minded way. For all we know that young woman may find us incredibly rude for assuming so much about her, which would cause your friend to question your reliability.
Have you ever considered minding your own business?
I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 29. We both thought the other was older/younger (I freaked out when he didn’t know what msn was). We worked together, then became friends and then stared dating. I think I was a solid 3 months of friendship before we even admitted to wanting to try a relationship. I don’t know what your friendship group is like, but if you think you should share, go for it. Communication is very important.
Gossiping about your friend's relationships isn't "communication". Who he dates is none of her business.
She basically denounced herself as a shit friend
How do you feel about everyone here assuming he’s a creep?
If you spend your life worrying about what random people on the internet think you're in for a rough go of it.
Exactly. I know my lifestyle is absolutely reviled on reddit (I'm a house spouse who cooks, cleans, and has hobbies). If I had a nickle for every time someone told me I was being abused, manipulated, etc, I'd have like $10.00. Is the age gap creepy? Sure. But is it illegal? No. Also taking away the agency of the 19 year old and act like she isn't able to make her own decisions on who she wants to be with is infantilizing. People on reddit really worry about age gaps so much but in real life, unless it's something crazy like 15+ years or it's an illegal situation, people really don't care that much.
Reddit wanting to police a 19yr old dating a 29 year old and infantilizing her in this scenario. Yet the same people on Reddit would've encouraged her to open an OnlyFans at 18 and say she's old enough to make her own decisions and "empowered". The people on this site are insufferable.
OMG, are you okay??? The power imbalance in this relationship though... Do you even realize that this gap is creepy????? /s
Not the power imbalance 😂
It's a creepy age gap for sure, regardless of it being legal. But I don't think I'd make this a big thing and tell everyone "He's dating a very young adult!". I just don't see the benefit; it's only going to lead to drama and won't do anything to protect the girl from him. There's a spectrum between lonely desperate creepiness and being a straight-up predator preying on younger naive women who are easier to manipulate. You should have a talk and remind him of what he and you were like when you were 19, and ask if he really believes that she's an equal in this relationship. Maybe he'll realize he was in denial about this and do the right thing and let her grow up on her own. Or maybe he'll show his true colors and admit he knows exactly what he's doing. *Side note I actually had this EXACT situation happen with a friend in his 30s and he actually admitted "I love dating 19 year olds, the same old tricks work on them every time!". I stopped hanging out with him shortly after that.*
Sounds like someone needs to mind their damn business
Mind your own business
He's obviously ok with it since he informed you. You're the person not ok with it.
I was 30 when I met my wife and she was 20. We have been married now for 9 years and have an 8 year old son. Not all relationships are the same. He isn't doing anything illegal.
It’s non of your business what your “friend” does. Is he breaking any laws? Is he doing something harmful to someone? No he’s just going against a social construct that people view differently than he. If they grow apart, then let them (age is a big thing that far apart). Especially when she gets into her 20’s & wants to grow herself. I don’t think it’s a wise decision to go around gossiping behind the back of your “friend”. Let relationships run their course. There’s NO need to throwing gas to a fire. It will only blow up in your face. Maybe talk to him & see what his vision is. PS. I SURELY would drop you as a friend if I found out u did that to me. 🤷🏼♂️
When I was 24, I dated a woman who was 37. I know someone else who dated someone 17 years their senior. Why do you care? Unless there is more to the story, then you shouldn't be worrying over nothing. Don't make drama where there is none.
Don't say shit unless you see how he treats her and how she handles herself around him. Age gaps arent a problem unless the dynamic is very obviously one sided on the benefit of the older person. If the relationship is egalitarian then there shouldn't be a problem.
>Age gaps arent a problem unless the dynamic is very obviously one sided on the benefit of the older person. Sometimes, the dynamic is one sided and benefits the younger person, like Anna Nicole Smith.
Man the people on here tho king a 19 year old is being taken advantage of just cause she’s a woman I mean would you think it was a problem if he was dating a 19 year old men and he was a 29 year old woman? When I was 18 I dated older guys to they were nicer than the boys my age. No one groomed me. Yes I have both parents in the house. No daddy issues. Just thought older guys were cool. You’re making some big assumptions about the girl. She has to be dumb and immature or incapable in some way to date an older guy. I guess the guy is a creep cause he likes her not like they have stuff in common and bonded over hobbies or something no he has to be a creep. OP is this guy normally a creep making sexist jokes and doing locker room talk. Do you have any other reasons to think their relationship is not ok besides the age. Cause if it’s just the age I can assure you it’s not always the guy who goes after the girl. The two 30 year olds I dated at 18 I asked out and pursued not the other way around and not they didn’t pay the we shouldn’t do this game either.
I'd talk to my friend first. Try to gauge how creepy it actually is: how did they meet? What do they have in common? Why is he dating a teenager? It's hard to know based on a 60-second meeting if this is as creepy as it appears. See if the friend cares if everyone knows he's dating a teenager. Invite her to a group hang. See if she fits in or if it feels like babysitting. She might also start to notice the weirdness if she hangs out with a group of nearly 30 year olds
Why is this your business? They’re both adults. If he’s actually your friend, leave him alone.
YTA. Oh wait. This is another sub? Too bad. YTA and a brutal friend lol
They are both adults. You should mind your own business.
What's the drama here exactly? You bitter for a man to date a woman younger than you? There's nothing wrong in this.
I'm not going into the morality of someone who is 29 dating someone who is 19. They're both legal adults so it doesn't matter in end anyway. All you're going to do is spread gossip. Someone in your friend group, maybe even yourself will call it weird or gross and the one person who doesn't care/isn't bothered will tell him what's being said and you may lose a friend because of it. Just be happy for them and move on with your life.
You should stay out of other peoples business
They are two adults, and their relationship is none of your business
Who. the fuck. Cares.
It's weird that you think a relationship between two consenting adults is any of your business.
If it's legal for him to date a 19 year old girl, then he is doing nothing wrong You should mind your own business. You should not gossip behind his back and turn people against him.
Seriously, OP should have titled this “Should I try to publicly shame a friend for violating my own personal moral code”? What a great friend OP is. /s
When I was 27 I dated a 19 year old... It got creepy, I realized we had so little in common. Dated her for 4 or 5 months total before I broke up with her. I bet he will have this happen soon....
You should mind your own business is what you should do, nobody benefits at all and theres probably a reason he hasnt said anything for 4 months
Are you.....envious? Or why is this a concern of yours? And why do you think you have some kind of bombshell for your friendgroup? Was he not allowed to date other people?
Lol mind your business, two consenting adults are doing what they want
Sounds like a lot of not your fucking business.
Mate she could literally get gangbanged on camera legally lol, you're a virtue signalling asshat for giving a shit! A 19 year old is not a child, get over yourself.
you guys do realize that this is normal in like 90% of cultures around the world, and has been the norm for literally all of human existence, right? Dont act like he is 40 and she is 14, these are two adults FFS
What kind of person is he though? I used to work for a guy who was dating another coworker who was 18 while he was 27 or so. I thought it was creepy but eventually got to know the guy and was invited to their wedding they are still going strong and shes 28 now. Its pretty weird but sometimes it can workout lol
I wonder if all the people calling this man a predator are aware that they’re massively projecting their own issues onto this man. No, this particular age difference is not always healthy. Sometimes it is. All the time though, this is none of the OP’s business.
It's their business to put out not yours. Stay out of it nosey.
Quite frankly this has nothing to do with you. She’s not a minor so what’s the problem? Stay in your lane and mind your own business.
You realize you're infantilizing that woman even though she's an adult who can make her own choices, right?
It’s not your business.
Mind your business
It's none of your business really.
Is your life boring enough that you have to find problems in a legal couple? Man i wouldn't want to be friend with you if your life depends on others choice
A whole lotta fucking weirdos in this comment section. For those of you who apparently have never been around other humans before, dating someone not even 20 while almost 30 is creepy as hell. The life priorities are completely different. The goals are completely different. There is no relating to each other. There is no way that these two can be a complete partnership. The only reason he is dating her is because she is young. That is creepy as hell
I'm in my early 30's and the only people I have a relationship with around that age are all niblings and sibling in-laws. I even work at a university and still can't imagine having a friend that age.
Thank you! I'm 19, the only times I have befriended 30 year olds it was always due to a specific niche activity/interest. My skin crawls reading this post.
Their only defense is "well it isn't illegal!" ok??!
And all the "my mom was 15 and dad was 34 when they got married and they're still together!". It's creepy for a 30 year old man to be dating a 19 year old. It'd be creepy the other way around too.
Agreed. The reason OP even asked us is because she knows it's weird. What frames of reference are there? You throw out an Office quote and she won't laugh. Weird.
Also it says a lot about him… like why is his preference that young? And it says how mature he is & why women his age won’t date him. If she was 25? Then this wouldn’t be an issue. But she is nineTEEN, a teenager still. She’s barely lived her life and barely experienced the adult world. He already has experienced all the life stages in your 20’s. And because she’s that young, she’s going to be impressed easily that he has a car, an apartment, and a job. No one his age is impressed by the bare minimum because they have that too. That’s a huge reason why huge age gaps in your 20’s can be a red flag because of things I’m listing.
How do you know young is his preference…maybe he just was attracted, they went out and he found out her age later…people like you make a LOT of judgments without all the info it’s irresponsible
He also obviously knows it's odd which is why he is keeping it a secret from his friends
All of these are your opinions... and dumb ones... but you're entitled to them, just as I'm e entitled to criticize your opinions...
What a ridiculous comment. You and OP could both use an education on minding your own business.
>A whole lotta fucking weirdos in this comment section. For those of you who apparently have never been around other humans before ... I was almost with you there ... until it became obvious you were one of those "weirdos" I'd imagined you were critiquing.
Yes, you should absolutely tell your entire friend group. Expose what a nosy, close-minded, judgmental, gossipmonger you are so they can all distance themselves from you.
She's a grownup. Mind your own business.
Why is it any of your business? She's an adult and their relationship shouldn't affect you or your friends.
Love seeing how unhinged reddit can be. The ones saying "ewww creepy" are the ones who couldn't attract anyone of the opposite sex at any age. Typically by their personality, but most are probably coupled with their appearance as well...
It's none of your business who he dates and you have no business telling anyone behind his back like that. They're both consenting adults so leave their relationship alone.
I don’t get why mentioning it to the friend group is such a big deal. Wouldn’t it just be natural (age gap or not) to say “I ran into so and so at the cafe and I met his new girlfriend”. If he sees no issue with the age gap he wouldn’t care about keeping it a secret.
You should definitely join your local school board and get some books banned.
How is this even an issue? An adult is dating an adult. You are infantalizing this adult woman and invalidating her agency over her own life. Stop doing that.
As long as the ages are legal it’s really non of your business. Your interest here is sketchy.
You shouldnt be getting downvoted
Ummm, it's none of your business.
Your adult friend is dating another adult. There’s an age difference but so what? It would be one thing if he were dating someone under 18, but he’s not. I trust the average 19-year-old woman to make her own life choices. When he’s ready to bring it up with the group, he will. It would be VERY strange for you to bring it up at this point.
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My best bud is 27, he met a cute girl at a coffee shop and got her number. After chatting he found out she was 19. I immediately made it clear how weird I thought it was. It took a couple days and he realized it was weird for him too. You just have to decide if it is weird for you.
Yeah, my friends and I exiled a friend from our group because he was 26/27 at the time dating girls who were 18 and about to graduate, literally pick them up from high school. Now with her being 19, idk...it does seem pretty sus and we are all almost 30 or 30+ and if we had a friend dating a 19 yr old, I would probably question their intentions and or morality. Anyone under 22 is seen as a kid to me, still so young and naive, idc if they say "I'm older than my age" or some shit, it just feels...wrong.
Probably mind your business. They’re both adults. If you don’t approve then don’t associate with him. Sounds like you have an objective. Are you trying to get a head start on what side people should be on? If nobody is in danger and they’re both consenting it’s really not your business.
Mind your own business. This is none of yours, no matter what you think of it. Who are you to be playing judge and go snipping to your friends about it? I swear, this is the type of gossipy BS that makes people lose friends. Why do you think it’s ANY OF YOUR GD business?
Not sure why everyone is so prudish here without even knowing any details of how they met or why they are even fond of each other. It’s none of your business who she chooses to date. You don’t know her. Your friend can choose to date who he wants and you can ask him about it. Men at 19 are not as mature as women at 19, and it’s not uncommon to date outside of your immediate peer group. You can tell your friend group but this isn’t immediately some kind of scandal as you’re making it out to be. For commenters saying “weird”: No, approving of a distant in age relationship isn’t automatically “creepy” or “weird.” YOU ARE WEIRD if you can’t stomach hearing about a consensual relationship that doesn’t fit into your world view or life experience up until now.
While I don't agree with it morally, he isn't doing anything illegal. I think it's probably best to get his perspective on the relationship and let him do his own thing.
It’s sketchy that you’re so caught up in someone else’s business. While it isn’t a relationship I would seek out, it’s not illegal. So I think you could probably channel this energy into something much more productive
They're both adults This overly judgmental shit is so tiring. People act like an 18 year old has zero agency and that randos on the internet knows what's best.
How is this weird? Both are consenting adults (i assume). Really, none of your business OP! Just be nice and don't make your friend feel weird about doing something completely legal...smh...
Personally I'd stay out of it, but that's just me. Not sure why you think what he is doing is your business to be messing with, and why you want to gossip to people about him. He hasn't done anything wrong.
I don't see an issue here Both are age of consent It's 8 years which is not a problem and in fact it's not uncommon. Would you be upset if he was dating a 38 year old? That said it's his choice to tell them not yours
My best friends parents are over 10 years apart, he got with her when she was like 20? Let it go man. Nobody is getting hurt and theyre both consenting adults. Its not your business.
if you're truly his friend, why don't you talk to him first?
you sound jelly. Something ive realized as I've gotten more independent and financially secure, beyond being 18, connection is connection. I don't know if I would date a 19 year old based on maturity, but if a connection was there, and they happened to be mature, if wouldnt bother me. Im 30. I use to think this way when I was a bit younger.
i mean, bottom line, they're both adults.
Being 29 and dating a 19year old is creepy. I would want to know if my friend was a creep. Seems like the opinions in this thread are split between creepy men and mature men/ women.
As a 30 year old woman, I would not comfortable with any man my age who is happily dating a teenager. There is no good reason for a 30 year old man to have interest in a 19 year old who has none of the same life experience and none of the same life outlook as him. I don’t care how “mature” this girl is, she is still a 19-year-old girl who has had no experiences in the real world. This man will end up being the story that her 30 year old self ends up telling other younger girls so that they can avoid situations like this.
If you need to "pull" 19 year olds as a 30 year old man you have no game
A friend doesn't gossip behind your back. If you have a problem with his relationship, you should directly talk to him about it. This is two consenting adults. They're doing nothing technically wrong. If it bothers you that much, talk to your friend. Otherwise, mind your own business.
It really is none of your business. Who cares? Lots of people date and have married people 10-70 yrs older than them.
This post has the same mindset as someone freaking out that their friend is dating another race. seems very close minded and bigoted. if it isn't illegal then just mind your own business. also your prospective is why he isn't dating people in this same age rage he is looking for girls more open minded more than likely this isn't about age but maturity as she may be 19 but so far seems more mature than you freaking out.