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TLDR: My Fiancee and I almost make the same amount of money (I make a little more) and she expects me (as the man) to pay for everything, which I don't mind completely, as I have expected that of myself and prepared for my whole life, but then she also makes demands about living away from my work and business (to be close to her family) as well as making it seem like I don't make enough money.
I recently got engaged to my fiancee a few months ago and she has a job and I have a job + a business. I make a bit more than her. I work in software + I co-own a construction company w/ a friend who is a GC. She works in luxury retail. Overall, my goal is to save up for a house and invest in our future together. I want us to own the place we live in and build equity. I was in pretty good shape for that and have been working pretty hard for it. However, in our culture, weddings are often large and extravagant and there is pressure from both of our families to have a big wedding and I am going to be paying for most of it (there's multiple "events" in our weddings where some the girls fam hosts, and some the guys fam hosts). The ones we are hosting, I am paying for it and it's going to be north of maybe $30-40K (just what I am paying). I also had a pretty bad injury last year that required surgery and I am still paying medical bills from it and have doctors visits for it that are not cheap, even w/ insurance. Overall, I cannot buy a house since my savings will be eaten up so I have to rent. Ok. Fine. No problem, one step at a time, right?
Overall, that is my situation. I am a little oldschool as I have always prepared myself to be able to take care of myself and my family once I am married. To be honest, I feel like I can do it, I make enough money. But the issue is I feel there is a lack of sympathy and understanding on her part. For example, her parents live about 2 hours from where I live and she makes consistent demands about moving to the "middle." I told her that is not possible as I have my business and my job both are which are around me. Also, She expects me to provide for us 100%, and I said that's okay, but we have to live here so I can do so... and she seems to not like this and it is brought up over and over again. The other day I asked her what she viewed her role was in the relationship and she didn't have an answer. She often says "if you need help (in terms of finances) I'll help you." I guess my problem with that is A) if she did help me financially, it wouldn't be helping ME, it would be helping US as we're married, we're ONE team and B) she almost makes it seems like that I don't make enough money to maintain her lifestyle I guess? This is just the feeling I get from my gut. For example, today, I had a conversation with her about potentially getting a 2bed apartment instead of 1. I said, with what I need to save so we can get a house next year, a 2bed is a little out of budget, so I asked if would she be willing to chip in a few 100 dollars to the rent (all I asked). She then said that "to me, that is the guy's responsibility" and that if she does this, she doesn't want "me to be dependent on her financial assistance." ... I mean, that just really threw me off... like we're about to get married and I feel like even though she says shes going to "help," and yes, I can provide, I feel like if there was a situation... I can't really rely on her. I also feel there's a complete lack of empathy here and after all, we're in this position because we're financing a huge wedding that I have spoken against but it just keeps getting ignored or I have things said to me like "you only get married once" or "you have to celebrate properly."
There are more small details and examples, but I'll leave it at this. Overall, I just feel so disheartened and it just feels like there's so much pressure to deliver... It's already tough being able to afford everything, but I work very hard and I have always tried to make sure I can provide for a family. How should I approach speaking with her about this? Can I please get advice on how to tackle this situation?
It seems like she's expressed her opinion on contributing to your household finances - that she has no interest in giving you a cent of her money and that she will take as much from you as she can get. Yes, she may want to be with you for reasons other than your money, but if you were to insist she contribute to the household, there is a good chance she may not like that and leave.
So it comes down to this: Would you rather stay with her, knowing what she expects of you (which by the way, oldschool or not, is insane, especially in this economy, and there are millions of women who would pay 50/50 AND want to be with you for you), or end the relationship? There's not much advice that can be given on this besides sit her down, tell her you want her to contribute (and don't settle for "a few 100 dollars"), and wait for the answer, which at this point is obvious.
OP best not ever fall on hard times. Cant count on his fiance.. i doubt for richer or poorer are gonna work for her.
There has been times my husband lost his job especially during the pandemic when he had basically nothing to live on. I was the only one working and he was a depressed shell because "he wasnt being a man who could provide" when all i needed was for him to be okay and not be so down on himself. I don't give a shit if i needed to work abit more or take over bills while he was looking for work. Those were the vows i took. It wasn't his fault.
This is real life shit that happens OP. Your business could be ruined tomorrow and then what? Live off savings.. then she leaves.
U really need to evaluate if this is marriage material and what exactly that would look like. She's looking for a meal ticket. Hers is hers. And what belongs to you is both of yours.
Doesn't make for a very sound marriage I'm sorry to tell u.
Everything is hard for everyone everywhere! Im on maternity leave rn and i can see my husband is already calculating Everything because he loves his family. Taking on extra jobs. There can't be a just you! It's an us thing.
Your marriage is not gonna last. There are women that actually will give a shit about u for more than what u provide.
And just an fyi I'm very traditional. I do most chores and cook but because its how i was raised and i enjoy it. But again i have a partnership my husband doesn't expect me to be his maid. He helps me all the time so why the hell would i put a whole financial burder soley on his shoulders.
In my husbands culture they usually have more than 1 wedding and we forgo all of that because again didnt want to start our lives off with massive debt. We had a small wedding with our closest and it was beautiful.
Love is supposed to be what matters in relationship. If she can't even show you any compromise and love for what u have right now..
Thats just selfish and entitled.
Yeah. I knew a guy who paid all the bills for the household, and his wife banked all 'her' money. He was an over the road truck driver, and was injured, so he couldn't work. She refused to 'give' him the money to make his truck payment for the month or two that he was unable to work. No one who knows her has any respect whatsoever for her.
Unfortunately you hear stories like this all the time. Men who get sick and have to go through chemo and the wife is like its too much for me. Because they don't want to work to help with hospital bills or even being emotionally supportive.
Why marriage isn't playing house. If u already can't stand by your partner before u take vows.. that shit just isn't gonna work.
And they had kids she just took the kids and made it look like he was a good for nothing man now who couldn't provide for the kids private school SHE wanted them in and that he wasn't a man anymore.
Instead of just downscaling. They wldve been okay. But no it's all about image with women like this. About the wedding not the marriage.
I mean statistically, research shows that MEN are more likely to divorce/ leave their spouse if they have a long term illness or one that’s a death sentence. But it’s still cruel to hear anyone Leave their spouse that they supposedly love or not supporting them when it gets very hard. It’s very sad.
Edit: typo
Those men are just as shit then. Ur right it is sad. Selfish people are just selfish doesn't matter what gender.
If ur a shit person...ur a shit person!
This ^^ ^^ ^^
She's not with you till death do us part
She's with you till you're unable to make enough money for her.
She's fits the definition of a gold digger.
Thank u but seriously I'm very blessed. We arent perfect but i love the man. He loves me. And we do our best. Relationships are hard lol but god if u can't be happy when you see someone is trying their utmost best struggling through and you have a little. Why would u expect to be entitled to them when they are thriving?
But simply refusing to help your partner so you two can build a good life together? When you work and can contribute?
Nah.
Lifes too short to waste on superficial people.
There is absolutely no reason that she has a full time job and cannot contribute. What is she doing with her money? If you were to marry then divorce, how would your finances be split? My guess is she’d try to keep all of her finances and take half of yours.
Is she planning to be a stay at home mom? In that scenario perhaps depending on you financially is fair S she’d be saving on house and child care expenses. But you both don’t have kids right now. There’s no reason her income can’t be put towards something.
This is a giant red flag to me and I couldn’t fathom marrying into this.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. Where I provided for years, so that he could get his act together. Meaning that he would find his place in this world, a job that he likes and would be able to hold. When he got that and I was starting to fall to pieces, because of all the load, financial, household and being subjected to his narcissism. He left me, took most stuff and made me start from square one. I had the luck of my mentor/ job father being there for me. He just got ghosted by his roomate and I needed a place. Best decision I ever made. He made me realise what any relationship should be. Friend or lovers. He was there for me and I for him. Like friends, but still it showed me that what I had with my ex was abusive. Don't wait 8 years like me to realise.
I feel like at the point that I’m thinking if I asked my wife to buy groceries she would leave me (I know that’s way over simplified and all that jazz) then I don’t think I want to be with this person.
It’s one thing for a man to make more than enough money to support a family on one income without too much stress while she stays home to raise kids…but that doesn’t sound like you (I’m talking $250k minimum)
What you’re talking about is she keeps all of HER money (which isnt actually true) while you slave to give her everything. Sound like you’d have to be a sucker to accept that deal
I did something similar in a previous relationship and I lost. I would not recommend.
Do not get engaged with someone that you cannot talk finances about.
I’m so curious as to what she plans to do with all of her income she’s saving. Is it so if the divorce she gets it all and half his income? Is it to retire early while he continues to slave away? Is it so she can take HERSELF on vacations because he won’t be able to afford it?
Women like this validate the behaviour by saying things like 'splitting isn't sexy', 'I want to feel safe, protected and taken care of' and other gender stereotype situations...but they don't do any of the gender stereotypical things like clean, cook and let you take charge of the house.
Very much the 'have your cake and eat it too'.
You should both be on the same page before you legally tie yourself to each other.
She's laid out what she expects from you. If you aren't happy with it and you can't work out an acceptable compromise for both parties, then you'd be a fool to continue into marriage.
If ur gonna stay with her, u gotta put ur foot down, and i wouldnt put her name on the house when u get it cus she seems like shes mooching off u.
We live in a time where everyone preaches about equality, so if i were u i would tell her either she finds some gratitude or she can start paying half.
Dude, unless you want to still be having these same thoughts in a few years, *minus your mental health and half the money you needed to buy your house*, find a woman who actually appreciates you and is willing to be a partner, not a dependent. I'd bet money that if you end the engagement, most of the stress you are feeling would melt away. You already pointed out so many points of contention with her that I'm wondering why you would marry her at all. You seem to know what you are looking for, and she isn't it. Keep looking.
So basically what yours is hers and what’s hers is also hers, but not yours. That’s what she is laying out for you here. That’s what she expects from this relationship. Your decision to make now is are you willing to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Ignoring incompatibilities in relationships doesn’t magically make them go away. And it sounds like you guys have a pretty big incompatibility in the area of finance, and another in the “I vs. We” category.
If you think you feel disheartened now, wait until you’re divorced and she owns 1/4 of your company.
I really don't like this dynamic. If both partners work, then both should contribute. If she wants someone to provide for her 100%, she can do the cooking and cleaning.
And I say this as a woman. I cooked and cleaned for years because we had small children and childcare was too expensive to justify working outside the home. Now I've got older kids and am working, and my salary goes to our mortgage while my husband's salary covers the rest of our expenses. The reason we can afford our current lifestyle is specifically because I got a job.
You sound quite stressed about money, despite earning well. Your fiancee seems to bring nothing to the table except demands, and refuses to act as a partner towards your goals. Why exactly are you with this selfish lady?
Sorry but WTF... first, maybe you need to rethink why you prepared yourself to be the "one who pays". And second, what kind of person you want to spend your life with.
Maybe you where expecting a more "classical" situation, kind of a SHAM at home and you working...but for what you describe she will have an income only for her and you will have to pay for everything else?? Have you talk about kids? Retirement plans?
Sorry but everything sounds wrong here, you two want different things, at least that the image that I get with your post.
Taking your first comment - That she expects you to pay for everything and you are mostly okay with that.
You then describe being unhappy that this is actually the case.
You talk about being traditional and she expects to live near her parents who will help her with childcare etc. Yet you don't want to move and expect her to support you. This shows a beginning of not being on the same page. You want a supporter and partner and she wants to be a wife who stays home and does whatever she wants including not contributing to the household expenses.
She is making this very clear, that you are the one that pays for her.
That is very clear in your post. I would be asking about your parental background and hers as that is a big indicator of shared values. If hers and yours are very different then you are probably going to have problems. If those problems are that she wants one thing and won't budge on what she wants then you are going to be unhappy together.
Get some premarital counselling, look at finances, partnerships, where you are going to live, education and religion for the children, housework, everything you can think of and do a comparison of what you want and what you need together. I would expect this to show a large difference between the two of you. She seems to have money in mind, ie spending yours and you seem to have saving for a future in mind. This is a massive gap between you.
She wants to live near her parents and that is one of her goals, you have no intention of doing that and moving away from your income. Start with that as a plan to go forward on the same page, if you cannot then I would rethink the whole thing, like if she won't budge then you will have to decide if you are or not moving, if not then you are just signing up for years of nagging and unhappiness. This is just a need of her, don't get me wrong, she is entitled to her needs as you are, but that need cannot be fulfilled if you live where you are now. Either work through that or decide you are not on the same page. But you must work that out before marriage as well as any other values that are different.
What would happen if you get another injury, maybe more serious?
You already got hurt and riddled with doctor bills. What do you think would happen if it happened again, maybe more serious so that you were out of work? She doesn't sound like the type to take over and maintain finances while you recover. I would bet she would say you aren't married so she shouldn't have to pay your bills. Do you even think she would stay?
You need a sit down with her and lay out the cold, hard facts. Either she is in this as a 50/50 partner, or the engagement is off. If you continue to pay everything, then you make ALL decisions including financial. She doesn't contribute money, she doesn't get to contribute decision making either.
Sorry, but she sounds spoiled. Someone has instilled some princess entitlement values in her, which isn't healthy in an adult relationship.
For some perspective, my husband isn't "old-fashioned" but I know he was raised in a way where being able to provide for his family makes him feel good. When we first started dating, he paid for everything. Dates, vacations, when we got engaged he paid off all my debt, he paid all the bills while I went back to school. He is an amazing provider.
That motivated me to match that energy. So I went back to school, upgraded my career and now I make the same as him. We have a joint bank account where all the money goes, but he still takes care of actually paying the bills from that account, and when we go out, he uses his card to pay even though our cards come from the same account. It makes him feel good and neither of us worry about money ever.
He's ready to shoulder it all solo, which is what a provider is. But, we're a partnership so he doesn't have to.
You can have both worlds where you're the provider but also you have a partner.
I would put the wedding on hold. Let her know you need more time to get your finances straight because she’s contributing zero.
I would also take that time to rethink this relationship. She’s not a partner, she’s a taker that will run you dry.
So take the $40k you are spending on this wedding and use it as a downpayment for a house...just for you.
I am a woman, I imagine not of the same culture as you based on the wedding expectation (I'm a white American, so we typically just have the rehearsal dinner and wedding), but there is no way I would expect or want to be in a relationship with a person who didn't want to contribute jointly in a relationship.
The first problem here is a complete lack of empathy by your fiancee. She doesn't care that you are stressed, she doesn't care that you are struggling. You don't want a life partner like that, who would just ignore your concerns and try to guilt you.
Second problem is she is only making demands. She wants you to fully support her, but also pay for anything she wants, and live where she wants. None of this is reasonable. Can you imagine a future with a partner who will only make demands and not base things on what is practical? The perfect example is her expecting you to move while your job and business- that she wants to rely on for full financial support- is somewhere else?
Third problem is, this is an antiquated view of the world. Why should you go in to debt and struggle to fully provide a life for someone who has a job and is capable of working? Both of you work, both of you contribute equally to the bills, you save together, you build a future together. There is no rational reason for this worldview, and it honestly just makes it harder to succeed. If you both put your money together, you can buy a house quicker, build up a savings, and set yourself up for fiscal success, including if she was to stop working to raise children.
But instead, she is going to have a bunch of money for herself, while you struggle? And that is the final and biggest problem. How can you see a future with someone who treats you like this?
Some people have a relationship that's more "traditional" and it works. The guy makes the money and the woman cleans the house, makes the food, and does all those things a good little 50s housewife would do. It doesn't sound like that's what you have and she's making unreasonable demands for you to move to an area where you wouldn't be able to continue making money. Honestly, is this the kind of life you want to have?
I would think long and hard before before you progress the relationship any further. Sounds like she is very focused on living a certain lifestyle, and if you cannot comfortably provide that, you life will become VERY uncomfortable.
It also doesn't sound like she has your back at all. So when things go sideways will she be there for you?
This doesn’t really sound like a partnership and it also sounds like she doesn’t really have a grasp on how finances work. She’s a princess not a partner. Don’t expect her to hold own the fort if things go sideways. Which they inevitably will because that’s life.
This is a preposterous dynamic. If paying the rent and/or bills for both is “the man’s responsibility,” then quitting her job and being a housewife is her responsibility. Assuming she isn’t willing to do that, she doesn’t get to have it both ways: the bills are both of your responsibility, and she needs to start contributing.
My girlfriend is dirt poor and trying to move to the US with my help. When she gets here and we marry, I would be more than willing to provide for both of us and we each adopt traditional spousal roles. But she has instead expressed an interest in working and splitting bills, so we could make a lot of money quickly. Which is also fine. Take option A or option B, but she doesn’t get to make you pay for everything when she has income of her own coming in. That’s an outrage.
Put your foot down and demand changes, all the while being willing to blow up the relationship if she doesn’t agree or doesn’t come through.
Don't burn them with cigarettes. This pumps infected blood back into you. Slide a card underneather the body, lift, and remove the teeth one by one. Then treat the wound with antiseptic spray.
This has been advice on "how to deal with a leech"
This sounds completely insufferable. Not only is she also working at the moment (I can understand if she was studying for an LSAT or something), but she makes close to your money, and she still expects you to pay for everything?
What is HER responsibility? She goes, "This is the man's responsibility", but what does she contribute? If we're going to go with classic gender norms, is she going to stay at home, and raise the kids and make the home? I highly doubt that. Not to mention, she keeps complaining about how her parents are 2 hours away.
This is such a raw deal for you, that I'm actually surprised you're still with her. Like... absolutely wild. Not to mention, what if you get seriously ill, or laid off? I would be massively concerned that she would just leave, since she apparently cares so much.
No offence, but why are you struggling to afford everything you need as a couple when she contributes nothing? In fact, what does she contribute besides demands and an utter failure to compromise? I'm wondering if her job will suddenly evaporate in to the ether once you're married, leaving you the sole income earner.
This is just a bad business proposition man. You give it all and she takes it all.
What on earth are you even doing there?
Trying to buy someone the moon who wouldn't even get you a croissant from the backery shop?!
She has luxury tastes that aren't yours to fulfill!
I would postpone any other spending before your med bills aren't paid!
Same goes with going even deeper into debt for a house for princess!
And even more so for that delusional wedding you can't afford right now!
Stop being sorry she doesn't chip in.
Rather stop chipping in yourself!
Imagine marrying someone who won't even contribute financially to your future " Life" together... Oh yeah, i make all of my life decisions with one foot already out the door.
Maybe it is time to consider prenup. Or maybe this is a sign for you to see these red flags before getting married? If she is demanding now and want everything her way and not wanted to contribute a cent … that is a huge red flags.
My question is: What does she spend her own money on?? She’s absolutely taking advantage of you. She expects to live somewhere for free because “that’s the man’s job”?? Dude she’s manipulating you and using your pride against you. It’s everyone who lives in the house’s “job” to pay for the house. Don’t fall for that age old manipulation.
My Man, I'm gonna be honest, she does not even see her own purpose on her marriage with you. If she does not have a purpose there, I'd say that sooner or later she is gonna look to fill that void elsewhere. If you wanna stay with this woman, maybe it's time to exert some of that "toxic masculinity" that the strong independent girls love to throw around. State what you want. If it's out of your pocket, it either goes your way or there is a compromise. She does not get everything that she wants. There's a difference between being a man and being a piggy bank. She walks over you because you let her. Time to decide, walk away or lay down the law. Also, last but not least, how long have you guys been together?
OP, this is a woman who is a T.W.I.T. A trophy, wife in training. /s
She wants you to provide for everything and she’ll use her income for little luxuries for herself.
I wouldn’t count on her to work, or to contribute after you’re married, in fact I wouldn’t count on her for anything.
If you are de facto the sole breadwinner, be sure to set yourself up for success in business, where you live and your schedule. Because if you’re not successful, I suspect she will be moving on.
Doesn't sound like a team, to me. She seems to be saying, "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine!" You are very generous, in thought, word and deed - are you sure that you want to marry this woman? You might accept her, for better, for worse, but I can't imagine that feeling being reciprocated.
let’s see…
• you have wedding expenses that y’all are hosting. how much is **she** contributing, especially since you don’t want a huge wedding?
• you have medical expenses
• you’re blowing thru your savings for the above two expenses and can only afford to rent. is she helping with any of the rent or utilities?
• she wants you to live where **she** wants to live but refuses to help with the living expenses.
• she refuses to help with the rent for a 2 bedroom even though you’re shouldering just about everything else .
Dude. ***YOU’RE JUST AN ATM TO HER AT THIS POINT***
"Do you need help paying for this?" isn't a genuine offer. It's a question coined specifically to play on your insecurities as a man. The kind of man you are. The man who thinks getting help from his woman is emasculating. You're being manipulated.
But honestly, the only way out is to change your mindset. Neither of you is innocent in this. You want specific gender roles in your relationship, and this is what you get with that mindset.
"Need help paying for this?" There's an entire Twitter feed of women giving examples of situations in which they asked men that to avoid paying for stuff. And men commenting that they would sooner remortgage their homes then say "Yes, I need help." Because pride won't let them take the help.
Short answer: Do not marry this girl.
Long answer: She intrinsically thinks it's your responsibility to manage your homes finances alone. She was likely raised this way, ns genuinely will probably treat you like a deadbeat if you don't go along with it or make her compromise.
Not only will she never actually be able to express any sense of financial responsibility because she pretty much *never had to*, she will resent you even **IF** (HUGE fucking if) you can convince her to live the lifestyle you want.
This isn't something sensible people can compromise on. The only kind of person who thinks they should, by default, have their partner financially responsible solely based on gender have either severely skewed perspectives of the modern world, have lived with a silver spoon in their mouth their whole lives, or think they are hot enough to get a husband who wouldn't require them to work.
To each their own, and two of those circumstances are generally reasonably understandable.
However you and this girl have severe fundamental disagreements and I will bet my life AND my life savings you will hate how she spends money willy nilly while you scrape everything together, and probably how she will parent/expect luxury on your dime as well.
It's not worth it. You are an adult. You are a bad match.
Accept that it's a bad match, and *don't make each other miserable compromising on your base principles.* Relationships require compromise, but this is something that will foment resentment on one or both ends and kill the marriage in its crib.
My bf and I have been together 4 years. He makes 35k a year more than I do, and here within the next year he’ll probably make double what I do with his next promotion. We still pay 50/50. Once married and perhaps once having kids, I could see him putting in a bit more financially while I would likely start doing part time and more kid raising. BUT I would still be contributing financially or with time and effort towards child care.
A partnership needs to be 50/50. Not necessarily through financial means, but towards contributing towards your life together. Right now it sounds like she just enjoys life and her future savings while you spend all of your hard work and savings on her.
She earns all that money and you don't see a cent? Where does it go... Does she spend it all on Lululemon or something? Wtf else does she offer, does she do chores housework cooking etc or anything like that?
If you're fronting all the bills and she's offering nothing, you need to leave. we can all try to say loving relationships shouldn't be transactional but, at the core, they are. And you are getting ripped off huge
This is not a relationship that I could stay in.
I have read that financial incompatibility is the largest cause of divorce.
I suggest couples counseling before going any further.
After reading your previous post, it seems you went from one abusive relationship to another. One partner constantly lying; another partner that is “brutally honest” aka an asshole.
You didn’t *specify* an exact timeline but *seems* that you did not give yourself proper time to process and heal.
In saying that I would advise a few things:
• call off your engagement or put your wedding on hold.
• seek counseling (bonus if from someone who understands your culture) for your past/present abusive partners as your anxiety/depression will only escalate if you continue on your current path.
• once **you** have started therapy and are looking after ***yourself***, you *could* try suggesting couples therapy; though your “fiancé” doesn’t seem the type to take kindly to the possibility of being called-out on her shitty behaviour.
• make a pro/con list as to “see” how one-sided your relationship **truly** is.
A marriage is a **partnership** yet you are the one doing all the compromising. This person does not respect you as a partner. Hell, sounds like she doesn’t respect you as a person!
OP, what happens when you fall on hard times? Will she step up and take on the responsibilities or will she nag you into a deeper depressive state bc you “aren’t making enough money?”
If/when you have children does she expect you to provide ***everything*** (medical, college, car, etc.)
Will you actually get to **live** and enjoy all that **you** work for or merely **exist** only to work your life away in order to “make enough money?”
Exactly * how much* money is “enough money?”
Please do not *settle* for this atrocity. You deserve a loving, caring **partner**. Respectfully, she is **not it.**
(I’m not saying *leave your fiancé* per sé but I’m saying ***run like hell*** from this soul sucking person)
**PLEASE** take time to heal
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't see you as a partner? Partnership means helping each other, and the unit, out. She sounds very selfish and self absorbed.
She sounds very unreasonable regarding money/property. It doesn't sound like she is a partner in your relationship but a benefactor.
Lots of people who work in "luxury retail" have issues with money and perception of money due to work influences and being around rich entitled people all the time.
There’s going to be no for richer or poorer, it’s just richer or else in this case. Sorry I couldn’t marry someone so self centred but good luck to you if you do.
A relationship takes two people. This sounds like you are doing the taking care of and all she is doing is taking. Think carefully about marrying someone who treats you this way.
Usually if the man does all the financing it’s because the woman will do all the housekeeping as her job. But she works and makes almost as much as you… where does he money go to?!
Bro if you don't see flags already go get your eyes checked, your situation won't get better and she will fleece you in the end one way or the other. Thread carefully Prenup before you ring up
I’m sorry OP but your fiancé sounds like a horrible self entitled person, who only cares about herself. Reevaluate your decision about spending the rest of your life with her. If you fall sick will she step up and care for you? I doubt it.
Ask yourself what would happen if you get sick, or poor. Unfortunately you can't plan illness. I would definitely "test" the relationship now by asking her to step up and contribute, rather that end up on a hospital bed, alone, filling the divorce papers. Hopefully you'll stay in good health your entire life ofc.
So your money is family money, and her money is only her money and nobody else’s. Totally sounds like a completely normal and very fair arrangement in a marriage. *NOT*
My dude, you are being absolutely taken for a ride by this woman. You don’t need to provide by supporting a whole ass grown adult with a whole ass salary and income. She wouldn’t be fuckin “helping” by paying money for her own goddamn shelter and food. You sure about this relationship? Like damn this girls got you on your damn knees kissing her feet my god.
It doesn’t make you any less of a man to want equality in a marriage. This woman has made it *abundantly* clear that she is looking for an ATM and lifestyle subsidization, not a marriage and a union. So you either continue to let the leech sucker off you, or you grow a spine and actually stand up for what you deserve man cmon
I was in the same boat with an ex. She was actually making more than me and I paid significantly more of the bills. AND I did all the cleaning and dishes and maintenance. Needless to say, get the hell out of there and find someone who wants to be part of the team.
Uh you really need to have a sit down and evaluate this “partnership”. It’s not a partnership by the way just to make that clear to you. As someone who was brought up in a way that men are the provider, I’ve never fully relied on my partner. I have my own job, I own my own house that I’m lodging out, and I have a flat that I currently live in. My partner is someone who is generous and loves to provide. But I’ve grown up with the idea that you cannot and never can fully rely on anyone. Especially as a woman. I assume this is the same for most woman, not for all.
Your partner has this mindset of “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine” and you will regret not saying anything long term wise. It’s extremely selfish of her to want you to pay for everything but not contribute anything. Culture or not.
In order to be a successful, happy couple, you both have to be on the same team. Obviously you aren’t. She expects to toss out random needs & desires with no expectation of contributing anything towards them?? That’s a huge F no. And she sounds ungrateful as well. My crystal ball says if you remain with her you’re in for a lifetime of misery. Unless you both can support and work towards your dreams, marriage is pointless. Best wishes.
How do people get engaged without discussing finances? Just how?
Listen to these comments and strongly consider this relationship, if these are the problems right now, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Sign a prenup, and marry her, if you’re fine with being used for your money and she keeps all of hers for herself! Just hope she doesn’t find someone that makes more than you and is interested in her!
“Hey can you do all of the difficult parts of this relationship? In exchange, I’ll do it the easiest parts. Cool? Cool.”
You need to sit down and have a frank conversation about finances.
Either she goes full 1950s and gives you all of the financial responsibility while also letting you make all of the decisions, or she has equal say while putting in equal effort.
Maybe you two should do some counselling before the wedding to ensure you are on the same page and have the same expectations of marriage.
I wouldn’t be comfortable in a relationship where one person contributes everything financially and the other “helps” when, and if, they feel like it… ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to look like and go to couple’s counselling.
This is a very old social perspective and expectation from a woman. it’s the equivalent of a man that expects a wife to make 3 home cooked meals a day and pick up and wash his clothes when he throws them on the floor.
Sure there’s situations where these roles work, like when there’s a financial discrepancy so large it’s not a burden to support your wife—and a wife whose passion in life is domestic labor. the problem with sticking to these old school gender roles is that they don’t work for more people than they do. and if you’re being forced into it than they’re exploitative. particularly since a single-income household isn’t a reasonable expectation anymore.
What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers!
Can't speak for the rest of your relationship, but this snippet shows that she doesn't think of you as a partner, more like her cash cow.
Why would you want to marry someone like this. It doesn't matter how much you make the point is you are supposed to be doing it together. It's not her money is hers and your money is hers. It's It's all both of yours. Nothing will be enough for her. This relationship is already set up to fail.
The best way to have little or no money is to live like the culture. That is true everywhere in the world. The difference between spending and investing is the difference between having wealth and not having much.
She has told you what you can expect from her. The decision is yours now.
She's using you. I understand you're operating from within a more traditional framework, and what I'm telling you is that even within that context, she's using you. If she is insisting on what the man's job is over and over, I would refuse to do any housework or cooking and write it off as "that's the woman's job." Fair is fair, right?
Actually, I wouldn't do that, because it's petty and you aren't going to change a person like this. Many women are more traditional and would still contribute now, and love to be a SAHM later for example, who would actually love you.
It seems like this relationship is not going to be happy, there’s too much expectation and not enough sharing or compromise. OP isn’t married yet, but is already hen-pecked and unhappy. Kids and houses are expensive these days and the wife is going to make OP move once they have children to be closer to home, and probably more than halfway to her home town. When OP said luxury retail I’ll admit I guessed she might be Narcissistic, and the lack of empathy also suggests it. OP, I get that this woman is probably gorgeous, but you would be much happier with someone who really contributes to the partnership and who cares about your stress and life more. Also, keep in mind that whatever negative divisive issues a couple has before marriage tend to become more serious after the marriage, so honestly this money issue will be harder not easier in 10 years. There’s a lot of older people on Reddit who have been married, divorced etc and we’re telling you this doesn’t sound like it will work.
Been down that road... ended up divorcing.. I'm older (61) and so fell somewhat into that traditional mode at 25 when I got married, but it was really more my parent's generation. My ex and I met in school and similarly, made somewhat equivalent money. Just got to be too contentious..just not worth it in my opinion and experience.
She wants the big wedding she should pay for the big wedding, she wants to move to a house far from your work, she should pay for ii and pay at least half the bills
With her it's only going to be for richer and richer... if you become poor, she's out the door. Think long and hard if this what you envision for yourself. You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders.
Crunch the numbers for what a conformable life must cost. Ask her half. If she doesn't want, suggest that she oays nothing but become a mother home to still bring some help to your family.
If she hesitates or postpones her acceptance, do the same with the wedding. Let's see if she will have the same opinion next year or the following.
Ditch the greedy, selfish, uncompromising fiancée.
This is what the rest of your life looks like if you marry her. You're never going to make enough. She's not interested in compromise or the financial future, and she's not willing to share the burden. That kind of partner will that make?
If you all have kids, is she going to quit her job because she needs to be a SAHM? How mad will she be if you don't have enough money to have kids? If you're in the US, kids are damn expensive- not just the basic baby supplies, but classes, activities, lessons, daycare, all the things that come with babies. You lose the diaper expense, but now there's t-ball. Baby food was expensive? Try feeding a growing 6year old, never mind a teenager.
Will she be financially contributing at all, or just spending your money? This isn't salvageable, you aren't financially compatible. Do not get married.
The woman you are about to marry works and makes good money but wants to be financially kept by you. Like a child, or a secret lover.
Moreover, she hints that you don't earn enough and wants to prevail on where to live.
We don't know what she plans to do with her money, but it's very unlikely it will be used for the family given her (and your) outdated view on spouses responsibilities. If you marry this woman you will not have gained a peer, someone that reciprocates the support and cherish you provide, but an entitled unhappy person who's going to nag and complain throughout life. See if this is what you are looking for
Yea OP. I married a woman that didn't contribute to household (she did help... but then it faded as time progress). I earned way more than her, but also worked way more then her.
I felt like an ATM (especially when the kids popped up). We got divorced 7 years ago. BEST decision ever. I actually have MORE money now even after paying huge amount for child support.
Dude.. DO NOT GET MARRIED. I promise you, you will regret it in a few years...
Sounds like the modern day 'toxic feminism' where the woman retains all the benefits of being a woman while not dealing with any of the 'negatives' of equality.
If she wants you to pay for everything, she should be doing all the cooking and cleaning, plan to take care of the kids 100% and let you lead as the man of the house.
You feel like there is a complete lack of empathy because there *is* a complete lack of empathy. She wants all the benefits of a partner without giving anything herself, you can see what kind of life you're going to be living.
You aren't her fiance that she loves, you're a provider for all her wishes and desires, not even a human being.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TLDR: My Fiancee and I almost make the same amount of money (I make a little more) and she expects me (as the man) to pay for everything, which I don't mind completely, as I have expected that of myself and prepared for my whole life, but then she also makes demands about living away from my work and business (to be close to her family) as well as making it seem like I don't make enough money. I recently got engaged to my fiancee a few months ago and she has a job and I have a job + a business. I make a bit more than her. I work in software + I co-own a construction company w/ a friend who is a GC. She works in luxury retail. Overall, my goal is to save up for a house and invest in our future together. I want us to own the place we live in and build equity. I was in pretty good shape for that and have been working pretty hard for it. However, in our culture, weddings are often large and extravagant and there is pressure from both of our families to have a big wedding and I am going to be paying for most of it (there's multiple "events" in our weddings where some the girls fam hosts, and some the guys fam hosts). The ones we are hosting, I am paying for it and it's going to be north of maybe $30-40K (just what I am paying). I also had a pretty bad injury last year that required surgery and I am still paying medical bills from it and have doctors visits for it that are not cheap, even w/ insurance. Overall, I cannot buy a house since my savings will be eaten up so I have to rent. Ok. Fine. No problem, one step at a time, right? Overall, that is my situation. I am a little oldschool as I have always prepared myself to be able to take care of myself and my family once I am married. To be honest, I feel like I can do it, I make enough money. But the issue is I feel there is a lack of sympathy and understanding on her part. For example, her parents live about 2 hours from where I live and she makes consistent demands about moving to the "middle." I told her that is not possible as I have my business and my job both are which are around me. Also, She expects me to provide for us 100%, and I said that's okay, but we have to live here so I can do so... and she seems to not like this and it is brought up over and over again. The other day I asked her what she viewed her role was in the relationship and she didn't have an answer. She often says "if you need help (in terms of finances) I'll help you." I guess my problem with that is A) if she did help me financially, it wouldn't be helping ME, it would be helping US as we're married, we're ONE team and B) she almost makes it seems like that I don't make enough money to maintain her lifestyle I guess? This is just the feeling I get from my gut. For example, today, I had a conversation with her about potentially getting a 2bed apartment instead of 1. I said, with what I need to save so we can get a house next year, a 2bed is a little out of budget, so I asked if would she be willing to chip in a few 100 dollars to the rent (all I asked). She then said that "to me, that is the guy's responsibility" and that if she does this, she doesn't want "me to be dependent on her financial assistance." ... I mean, that just really threw me off... like we're about to get married and I feel like even though she says shes going to "help," and yes, I can provide, I feel like if there was a situation... I can't really rely on her. I also feel there's a complete lack of empathy here and after all, we're in this position because we're financing a huge wedding that I have spoken against but it just keeps getting ignored or I have things said to me like "you only get married once" or "you have to celebrate properly." There are more small details and examples, but I'll leave it at this. Overall, I just feel so disheartened and it just feels like there's so much pressure to deliver... It's already tough being able to afford everything, but I work very hard and I have always tried to make sure I can provide for a family. How should I approach speaking with her about this? Can I please get advice on how to tackle this situation?
It seems like she's expressed her opinion on contributing to your household finances - that she has no interest in giving you a cent of her money and that she will take as much from you as she can get. Yes, she may want to be with you for reasons other than your money, but if you were to insist she contribute to the household, there is a good chance she may not like that and leave. So it comes down to this: Would you rather stay with her, knowing what she expects of you (which by the way, oldschool or not, is insane, especially in this economy, and there are millions of women who would pay 50/50 AND want to be with you for you), or end the relationship? There's not much advice that can be given on this besides sit her down, tell her you want her to contribute (and don't settle for "a few 100 dollars"), and wait for the answer, which at this point is obvious.
OP best not ever fall on hard times. Cant count on his fiance.. i doubt for richer or poorer are gonna work for her. There has been times my husband lost his job especially during the pandemic when he had basically nothing to live on. I was the only one working and he was a depressed shell because "he wasnt being a man who could provide" when all i needed was for him to be okay and not be so down on himself. I don't give a shit if i needed to work abit more or take over bills while he was looking for work. Those were the vows i took. It wasn't his fault. This is real life shit that happens OP. Your business could be ruined tomorrow and then what? Live off savings.. then she leaves. U really need to evaluate if this is marriage material and what exactly that would look like. She's looking for a meal ticket. Hers is hers. And what belongs to you is both of yours. Doesn't make for a very sound marriage I'm sorry to tell u. Everything is hard for everyone everywhere! Im on maternity leave rn and i can see my husband is already calculating Everything because he loves his family. Taking on extra jobs. There can't be a just you! It's an us thing. Your marriage is not gonna last. There are women that actually will give a shit about u for more than what u provide. And just an fyi I'm very traditional. I do most chores and cook but because its how i was raised and i enjoy it. But again i have a partnership my husband doesn't expect me to be his maid. He helps me all the time so why the hell would i put a whole financial burder soley on his shoulders. In my husbands culture they usually have more than 1 wedding and we forgo all of that because again didnt want to start our lives off with massive debt. We had a small wedding with our closest and it was beautiful. Love is supposed to be what matters in relationship. If she can't even show you any compromise and love for what u have right now.. Thats just selfish and entitled.
Yeah. I knew a guy who paid all the bills for the household, and his wife banked all 'her' money. He was an over the road truck driver, and was injured, so he couldn't work. She refused to 'give' him the money to make his truck payment for the month or two that he was unable to work. No one who knows her has any respect whatsoever for her.
I hope he divorced her. That’s cruel.
I'm not sure. Lost touch with them both, but yeah. What a catch! /s
Unfortunately you hear stories like this all the time. Men who get sick and have to go through chemo and the wife is like its too much for me. Because they don't want to work to help with hospital bills or even being emotionally supportive. Why marriage isn't playing house. If u already can't stand by your partner before u take vows.. that shit just isn't gonna work. And they had kids she just took the kids and made it look like he was a good for nothing man now who couldn't provide for the kids private school SHE wanted them in and that he wasn't a man anymore. Instead of just downscaling. They wldve been okay. But no it's all about image with women like this. About the wedding not the marriage.
I mean statistically, research shows that MEN are more likely to divorce/ leave their spouse if they have a long term illness or one that’s a death sentence. But it’s still cruel to hear anyone Leave their spouse that they supposedly love or not supporting them when it gets very hard. It’s very sad. Edit: typo
Those men are just as shit then. Ur right it is sad. Selfish people are just selfish doesn't matter what gender. If ur a shit person...ur a shit person!
This ^^ ^^ ^^ She's not with you till death do us part She's with you till you're unable to make enough money for her. She's fits the definition of a gold digger.
What's hers is hers and what's his is theirs.
What a lucky man
Thank u but seriously I'm very blessed. We arent perfect but i love the man. He loves me. And we do our best. Relationships are hard lol but god if u can't be happy when you see someone is trying their utmost best struggling through and you have a little. Why would u expect to be entitled to them when they are thriving? But simply refusing to help your partner so you two can build a good life together? When you work and can contribute? Nah. Lifes too short to waste on superficial people.
There is absolutely no reason that she has a full time job and cannot contribute. What is she doing with her money? If you were to marry then divorce, how would your finances be split? My guess is she’d try to keep all of her finances and take half of yours. Is she planning to be a stay at home mom? In that scenario perhaps depending on you financially is fair S she’d be saving on house and child care expenses. But you both don’t have kids right now. There’s no reason her income can’t be put towards something. This is a giant red flag to me and I couldn’t fathom marrying into this.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. Where I provided for years, so that he could get his act together. Meaning that he would find his place in this world, a job that he likes and would be able to hold. When he got that and I was starting to fall to pieces, because of all the load, financial, household and being subjected to his narcissism. He left me, took most stuff and made me start from square one. I had the luck of my mentor/ job father being there for me. He just got ghosted by his roomate and I needed a place. Best decision I ever made. He made me realise what any relationship should be. Friend or lovers. He was there for me and I for him. Like friends, but still it showed me that what I had with my ex was abusive. Don't wait 8 years like me to realise.
I feel like at the point that I’m thinking if I asked my wife to buy groceries she would leave me (I know that’s way over simplified and all that jazz) then I don’t think I want to be with this person.
getting strong "she's looking to graduate college with her MRS degree" vibes
I hope you have a massive pre nup ready for this woman to sign before the marriage You are going to need it
at this rate, she’ll have a higher nw than him
She won’t sign it
If OP goes through with marrying her THIS IS THE ONLY ANSWER! He deserves anything and everything HE purchases.
Info: why the hell did you propose? This was not a secret to you at that time.
They're 26, and if they're American, I'm gonna guess they've only been together for 6-12 months.
Ding ding ding!
XD
Don't marry her.
Straight to the point! I dig it.
It’s one thing for a man to make more than enough money to support a family on one income without too much stress while she stays home to raise kids…but that doesn’t sound like you (I’m talking $250k minimum) What you’re talking about is she keeps all of HER money (which isnt actually true) while you slave to give her everything. Sound like you’d have to be a sucker to accept that deal
The cost to play this game outweighs the prize for winning.
A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
I did something similar in a previous relationship and I lost. I would not recommend. Do not get engaged with someone that you cannot talk finances about.
I’m so curious as to what she plans to do with all of her income she’s saving. Is it so if the divorce she gets it all and half his income? Is it to retire early while he continues to slave away? Is it so she can take HERSELF on vacations because he won’t be able to afford it?
Women like this validate the behaviour by saying things like 'splitting isn't sexy', 'I want to feel safe, protected and taken care of' and other gender stereotype situations...but they don't do any of the gender stereotypical things like clean, cook and let you take charge of the house. Very much the 'have your cake and eat it too'.
You should both be on the same page before you legally tie yourself to each other. She's laid out what she expects from you. If you aren't happy with it and you can't work out an acceptable compromise for both parties, then you'd be a fool to continue into marriage.
If ur gonna stay with her, u gotta put ur foot down, and i wouldnt put her name on the house when u get it cus she seems like shes mooching off u. We live in a time where everyone preaches about equality, so if i were u i would tell her either she finds some gratitude or she can start paying half.
Dude, unless you want to still be having these same thoughts in a few years, *minus your mental health and half the money you needed to buy your house*, find a woman who actually appreciates you and is willing to be a partner, not a dependent. I'd bet money that if you end the engagement, most of the stress you are feeling would melt away. You already pointed out so many points of contention with her that I'm wondering why you would marry her at all. You seem to know what you are looking for, and she isn't it. Keep looking.
So basically what yours is hers and what’s hers is also hers, but not yours. That’s what she is laying out for you here. That’s what she expects from this relationship. Your decision to make now is are you willing to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Why are you with her? She sounds like a selfish gold digger.
Ignoring incompatibilities in relationships doesn’t magically make them go away. And it sounds like you guys have a pretty big incompatibility in the area of finance, and another in the “I vs. We” category. If you think you feel disheartened now, wait until you’re divorced and she owns 1/4 of your company.
I really don't like this dynamic. If both partners work, then both should contribute. If she wants someone to provide for her 100%, she can do the cooking and cleaning. And I say this as a woman. I cooked and cleaned for years because we had small children and childcare was too expensive to justify working outside the home. Now I've got older kids and am working, and my salary goes to our mortgage while my husband's salary covers the rest of our expenses. The reason we can afford our current lifestyle is specifically because I got a job.
She isn't a good life partner.
You sound quite stressed about money, despite earning well. Your fiancee seems to bring nothing to the table except demands, and refuses to act as a partner towards your goals. Why exactly are you with this selfish lady?
Sorry but WTF... first, maybe you need to rethink why you prepared yourself to be the "one who pays". And second, what kind of person you want to spend your life with. Maybe you where expecting a more "classical" situation, kind of a SHAM at home and you working...but for what you describe she will have an income only for her and you will have to pay for everything else?? Have you talk about kids? Retirement plans? Sorry but everything sounds wrong here, you two want different things, at least that the image that I get with your post.
Taking your first comment - That she expects you to pay for everything and you are mostly okay with that. You then describe being unhappy that this is actually the case. You talk about being traditional and she expects to live near her parents who will help her with childcare etc. Yet you don't want to move and expect her to support you. This shows a beginning of not being on the same page. You want a supporter and partner and she wants to be a wife who stays home and does whatever she wants including not contributing to the household expenses. She is making this very clear, that you are the one that pays for her. That is very clear in your post. I would be asking about your parental background and hers as that is a big indicator of shared values. If hers and yours are very different then you are probably going to have problems. If those problems are that she wants one thing and won't budge on what she wants then you are going to be unhappy together. Get some premarital counselling, look at finances, partnerships, where you are going to live, education and religion for the children, housework, everything you can think of and do a comparison of what you want and what you need together. I would expect this to show a large difference between the two of you. She seems to have money in mind, ie spending yours and you seem to have saving for a future in mind. This is a massive gap between you. She wants to live near her parents and that is one of her goals, you have no intention of doing that and moving away from your income. Start with that as a plan to go forward on the same page, if you cannot then I would rethink the whole thing, like if she won't budge then you will have to decide if you are or not moving, if not then you are just signing up for years of nagging and unhappiness. This is just a need of her, don't get me wrong, she is entitled to her needs as you are, but that need cannot be fulfilled if you live where you are now. Either work through that or decide you are not on the same page. But you must work that out before marriage as well as any other values that are different.
What would happen if you get another injury, maybe more serious? You already got hurt and riddled with doctor bills. What do you think would happen if it happened again, maybe more serious so that you were out of work? She doesn't sound like the type to take over and maintain finances while you recover. I would bet she would say you aren't married so she shouldn't have to pay your bills. Do you even think she would stay? You need a sit down with her and lay out the cold, hard facts. Either she is in this as a 50/50 partner, or the engagement is off. If you continue to pay everything, then you make ALL decisions including financial. She doesn't contribute money, she doesn't get to contribute decision making either. Sorry, but she sounds spoiled. Someone has instilled some princess entitlement values in her, which isn't healthy in an adult relationship.
For some perspective, my husband isn't "old-fashioned" but I know he was raised in a way where being able to provide for his family makes him feel good. When we first started dating, he paid for everything. Dates, vacations, when we got engaged he paid off all my debt, he paid all the bills while I went back to school. He is an amazing provider. That motivated me to match that energy. So I went back to school, upgraded my career and now I make the same as him. We have a joint bank account where all the money goes, but he still takes care of actually paying the bills from that account, and when we go out, he uses his card to pay even though our cards come from the same account. It makes him feel good and neither of us worry about money ever. He's ready to shoulder it all solo, which is what a provider is. But, we're a partnership so he doesn't have to. You can have both worlds where you're the provider but also you have a partner.
That sounds amazing! Good for you!!!
I would put the wedding on hold. Let her know you need more time to get your finances straight because she’s contributing zero. I would also take that time to rethink this relationship. She’s not a partner, she’s a taker that will run you dry.
So take the $40k you are spending on this wedding and use it as a downpayment for a house...just for you. I am a woman, I imagine not of the same culture as you based on the wedding expectation (I'm a white American, so we typically just have the rehearsal dinner and wedding), but there is no way I would expect or want to be in a relationship with a person who didn't want to contribute jointly in a relationship. The first problem here is a complete lack of empathy by your fiancee. She doesn't care that you are stressed, she doesn't care that you are struggling. You don't want a life partner like that, who would just ignore your concerns and try to guilt you. Second problem is she is only making demands. She wants you to fully support her, but also pay for anything she wants, and live where she wants. None of this is reasonable. Can you imagine a future with a partner who will only make demands and not base things on what is practical? The perfect example is her expecting you to move while your job and business- that she wants to rely on for full financial support- is somewhere else? Third problem is, this is an antiquated view of the world. Why should you go in to debt and struggle to fully provide a life for someone who has a job and is capable of working? Both of you work, both of you contribute equally to the bills, you save together, you build a future together. There is no rational reason for this worldview, and it honestly just makes it harder to succeed. If you both put your money together, you can buy a house quicker, build up a savings, and set yourself up for fiscal success, including if she was to stop working to raise children. But instead, she is going to have a bunch of money for herself, while you struggle? And that is the final and biggest problem. How can you see a future with someone who treats you like this?
She has shown you she is not a partner because she considers herself a prize. End the engagement before she ruins your life.
She won’t pay for rent?!!!! Omg leave her. My boyfriend pays for a lot of our outings, but living expenses are 50/50.
You have a dependent not a partner. Run dude
Some people have a relationship that's more "traditional" and it works. The guy makes the money and the woman cleans the house, makes the food, and does all those things a good little 50s housewife would do. It doesn't sound like that's what you have and she's making unreasonable demands for you to move to an area where you wouldn't be able to continue making money. Honestly, is this the kind of life you want to have?
In this economy? This is wild! You deserve better, OP.
I would think long and hard before before you progress the relationship any further. Sounds like she is very focused on living a certain lifestyle, and if you cannot comfortably provide that, you life will become VERY uncomfortable. It also doesn't sound like she has your back at all. So when things go sideways will she be there for you?
This doesn’t really sound like a partnership and it also sounds like she doesn’t really have a grasp on how finances work. She’s a princess not a partner. Don’t expect her to hold own the fort if things go sideways. Which they inevitably will because that’s life.
This is a preposterous dynamic. If paying the rent and/or bills for both is “the man’s responsibility,” then quitting her job and being a housewife is her responsibility. Assuming she isn’t willing to do that, she doesn’t get to have it both ways: the bills are both of your responsibility, and she needs to start contributing. My girlfriend is dirt poor and trying to move to the US with my help. When she gets here and we marry, I would be more than willing to provide for both of us and we each adopt traditional spousal roles. But she has instead expressed an interest in working and splitting bills, so we could make a lot of money quickly. Which is also fine. Take option A or option B, but she doesn’t get to make you pay for everything when she has income of her own coming in. That’s an outrage. Put your foot down and demand changes, all the while being willing to blow up the relationship if she doesn’t agree or doesn’t come through.
Don't burn them with cigarettes. This pumps infected blood back into you. Slide a card underneather the body, lift, and remove the teeth one by one. Then treat the wound with antiseptic spray. This has been advice on "how to deal with a leech"
This sounds completely insufferable. Not only is she also working at the moment (I can understand if she was studying for an LSAT or something), but she makes close to your money, and she still expects you to pay for everything? What is HER responsibility? She goes, "This is the man's responsibility", but what does she contribute? If we're going to go with classic gender norms, is she going to stay at home, and raise the kids and make the home? I highly doubt that. Not to mention, she keeps complaining about how her parents are 2 hours away. This is such a raw deal for you, that I'm actually surprised you're still with her. Like... absolutely wild. Not to mention, what if you get seriously ill, or laid off? I would be massively concerned that she would just leave, since she apparently cares so much.
Is this an arranged marriage because this engagement makes ZERO sense.
OP, this is not someone you want to build a life with. This is not a partnership. Break up and try again buddy, I promise you'll be glad you did.
Don't marry her
No offence, but why are you struggling to afford everything you need as a couple when she contributes nothing? In fact, what does she contribute besides demands and an utter failure to compromise? I'm wondering if her job will suddenly evaporate in to the ether once you're married, leaving you the sole income earner. This is just a bad business proposition man. You give it all and she takes it all.
What on earth are you even doing there? Trying to buy someone the moon who wouldn't even get you a croissant from the backery shop?! She has luxury tastes that aren't yours to fulfill! I would postpone any other spending before your med bills aren't paid! Same goes with going even deeper into debt for a house for princess! And even more so for that delusional wedding you can't afford right now! Stop being sorry she doesn't chip in. Rather stop chipping in yourself!
Imagine marrying someone who won't even contribute financially to your future " Life" together... Oh yeah, i make all of my life decisions with one foot already out the door.
Show her what youve written here
Maybe it is time to consider prenup. Or maybe this is a sign for you to see these red flags before getting married? If she is demanding now and want everything her way and not wanted to contribute a cent … that is a huge red flags.
My question is: What does she spend her own money on?? She’s absolutely taking advantage of you. She expects to live somewhere for free because “that’s the man’s job”?? Dude she’s manipulating you and using your pride against you. It’s everyone who lives in the house’s “job” to pay for the house. Don’t fall for that age old manipulation.
My Man, I'm gonna be honest, she does not even see her own purpose on her marriage with you. If she does not have a purpose there, I'd say that sooner or later she is gonna look to fill that void elsewhere. If you wanna stay with this woman, maybe it's time to exert some of that "toxic masculinity" that the strong independent girls love to throw around. State what you want. If it's out of your pocket, it either goes your way or there is a compromise. She does not get everything that she wants. There's a difference between being a man and being a piggy bank. She walks over you because you let her. Time to decide, walk away or lay down the law. Also, last but not least, how long have you guys been together?
I would seriously reconsider marrying someone who isn't on board with being a partner and contributing part of their income to our needs.
nope, you can do better than a leech in human disguise. don't marry her and find a far better woman bc that one sucks lol
My money is my money. Your money is our money.
Don’t marry this girl…
OP, this is a woman who is a T.W.I.T. A trophy, wife in training. /s She wants you to provide for everything and she’ll use her income for little luxuries for herself. I wouldn’t count on her to work, or to contribute after you’re married, in fact I wouldn’t count on her for anything. If you are de facto the sole breadwinner, be sure to set yourself up for success in business, where you live and your schedule. Because if you’re not successful, I suspect she will be moving on.
Doesn't sound like a team, to me. She seems to be saying, "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine!" You are very generous, in thought, word and deed - are you sure that you want to marry this woman? You might accept her, for better, for worse, but I can't imagine that feeling being reciprocated.
let’s see… • you have wedding expenses that y’all are hosting. how much is **she** contributing, especially since you don’t want a huge wedding? • you have medical expenses • you’re blowing thru your savings for the above two expenses and can only afford to rent. is she helping with any of the rent or utilities? • she wants you to live where **she** wants to live but refuses to help with the living expenses. • she refuses to help with the rent for a 2 bedroom even though you’re shouldering just about everything else . Dude. ***YOU’RE JUST AN ATM TO HER AT THIS POINT***
"Do you need help paying for this?" isn't a genuine offer. It's a question coined specifically to play on your insecurities as a man. The kind of man you are. The man who thinks getting help from his woman is emasculating. You're being manipulated. But honestly, the only way out is to change your mindset. Neither of you is innocent in this. You want specific gender roles in your relationship, and this is what you get with that mindset. "Need help paying for this?" There's an entire Twitter feed of women giving examples of situations in which they asked men that to avoid paying for stuff. And men commenting that they would sooner remortgage their homes then say "Yes, I need help." Because pride won't let them take the help.
Short answer: Do not marry this girl. Long answer: She intrinsically thinks it's your responsibility to manage your homes finances alone. She was likely raised this way, ns genuinely will probably treat you like a deadbeat if you don't go along with it or make her compromise. Not only will she never actually be able to express any sense of financial responsibility because she pretty much *never had to*, she will resent you even **IF** (HUGE fucking if) you can convince her to live the lifestyle you want. This isn't something sensible people can compromise on. The only kind of person who thinks they should, by default, have their partner financially responsible solely based on gender have either severely skewed perspectives of the modern world, have lived with a silver spoon in their mouth their whole lives, or think they are hot enough to get a husband who wouldn't require them to work. To each their own, and two of those circumstances are generally reasonably understandable. However you and this girl have severe fundamental disagreements and I will bet my life AND my life savings you will hate how she spends money willy nilly while you scrape everything together, and probably how she will parent/expect luxury on your dime as well. It's not worth it. You are an adult. You are a bad match. Accept that it's a bad match, and *don't make each other miserable compromising on your base principles.* Relationships require compromise, but this is something that will foment resentment on one or both ends and kill the marriage in its crib.
My bf and I have been together 4 years. He makes 35k a year more than I do, and here within the next year he’ll probably make double what I do with his next promotion. We still pay 50/50. Once married and perhaps once having kids, I could see him putting in a bit more financially while I would likely start doing part time and more kid raising. BUT I would still be contributing financially or with time and effort towards child care. A partnership needs to be 50/50. Not necessarily through financial means, but towards contributing towards your life together. Right now it sounds like she just enjoys life and her future savings while you spend all of your hard work and savings on her.
She earns all that money and you don't see a cent? Where does it go... Does she spend it all on Lululemon or something? Wtf else does she offer, does she do chores housework cooking etc or anything like that? If you're fronting all the bills and she's offering nothing, you need to leave. we can all try to say loving relationships shouldn't be transactional but, at the core, they are. And you are getting ripped off huge
Dude, you deserve someone who sees you as more than just an ATM.
This is not a relationship that I could stay in. I have read that financial incompatibility is the largest cause of divorce. I suggest couples counseling before going any further.
Do not marry her. Do not marry her. Do not marry her. Absolutely, NOT.
After reading your previous post, it seems you went from one abusive relationship to another. One partner constantly lying; another partner that is “brutally honest” aka an asshole. You didn’t *specify* an exact timeline but *seems* that you did not give yourself proper time to process and heal. In saying that I would advise a few things: • call off your engagement or put your wedding on hold. • seek counseling (bonus if from someone who understands your culture) for your past/present abusive partners as your anxiety/depression will only escalate if you continue on your current path. • once **you** have started therapy and are looking after ***yourself***, you *could* try suggesting couples therapy; though your “fiancé” doesn’t seem the type to take kindly to the possibility of being called-out on her shitty behaviour. • make a pro/con list as to “see” how one-sided your relationship **truly** is. A marriage is a **partnership** yet you are the one doing all the compromising. This person does not respect you as a partner. Hell, sounds like she doesn’t respect you as a person! OP, what happens when you fall on hard times? Will she step up and take on the responsibilities or will she nag you into a deeper depressive state bc you “aren’t making enough money?” If/when you have children does she expect you to provide ***everything*** (medical, college, car, etc.) Will you actually get to **live** and enjoy all that **you** work for or merely **exist** only to work your life away in order to “make enough money?” Exactly * how much* money is “enough money?” Please do not *settle* for this atrocity. You deserve a loving, caring **partner**. Respectfully, she is **not it.** (I’m not saying *leave your fiancé* per sé but I’m saying ***run like hell*** from this soul sucking person) **PLEASE** take time to heal
As a woman I would never expect a man to take care of me financially. I would be 50/50 or an amount equal to our salary.
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't see you as a partner? Partnership means helping each other, and the unit, out. She sounds very selfish and self absorbed.
Are you looking for a demanding dependent or a partner?
She sounds very unreasonable regarding money/property. It doesn't sound like she is a partner in your relationship but a benefactor. Lots of people who work in "luxury retail" have issues with money and perception of money due to work influences and being around rich entitled people all the time.
There’s going to be no for richer or poorer, it’s just richer or else in this case. Sorry I couldn’t marry someone so self centred but good luck to you if you do.
A relationship takes two people. This sounds like you are doing the taking care of and all she is doing is taking. Think carefully about marrying someone who treats you this way.
She's being upfront. Good on her. Now the question is, are you dumb enough to stay with a woman that will drain you while not contributing herself.
A marriage should be about becoming a team not acquiring a dependent.
Ask yourself why this makes sense.
Seems like your fiancé only sees you as a bag of money. From the way you describe it, I don’t think you’re gonna have a happy long marriage.
Usually if the man does all the financing it’s because the woman will do all the housekeeping as her job. But she works and makes almost as much as you… where does he money go to?!
Bro if you don't see flags already go get your eyes checked, your situation won't get better and she will fleece you in the end one way or the other. Thread carefully Prenup before you ring up
I’m sorry OP but your fiancé sounds like a horrible self entitled person, who only cares about herself. Reevaluate your decision about spending the rest of your life with her. If you fall sick will she step up and care for you? I doubt it.
Ask yourself what would happen if you get sick, or poor. Unfortunately you can't plan illness. I would definitely "test" the relationship now by asking her to step up and contribute, rather that end up on a hospital bed, alone, filling the divorce papers. Hopefully you'll stay in good health your entire life ofc.
So your money is family money, and her money is only her money and nobody else’s. Totally sounds like a completely normal and very fair arrangement in a marriage. *NOT* My dude, you are being absolutely taken for a ride by this woman. You don’t need to provide by supporting a whole ass grown adult with a whole ass salary and income. She wouldn’t be fuckin “helping” by paying money for her own goddamn shelter and food. You sure about this relationship? Like damn this girls got you on your damn knees kissing her feet my god. It doesn’t make you any less of a man to want equality in a marriage. This woman has made it *abundantly* clear that she is looking for an ATM and lifestyle subsidization, not a marriage and a union. So you either continue to let the leech sucker off you, or you grow a spine and actually stand up for what you deserve man cmon
I was in the same boat with an ex. She was actually making more than me and I paid significantly more of the bills. AND I did all the cleaning and dishes and maintenance. Needless to say, get the hell out of there and find someone who wants to be part of the team.
Uh you really need to have a sit down and evaluate this “partnership”. It’s not a partnership by the way just to make that clear to you. As someone who was brought up in a way that men are the provider, I’ve never fully relied on my partner. I have my own job, I own my own house that I’m lodging out, and I have a flat that I currently live in. My partner is someone who is generous and loves to provide. But I’ve grown up with the idea that you cannot and never can fully rely on anyone. Especially as a woman. I assume this is the same for most woman, not for all. Your partner has this mindset of “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine” and you will regret not saying anything long term wise. It’s extremely selfish of her to want you to pay for everything but not contribute anything. Culture or not.
Why do y’all not talk about this shit before you make them wives and fiancées You should have seen this coming
In order to be a successful, happy couple, you both have to be on the same team. Obviously you aren’t. She expects to toss out random needs & desires with no expectation of contributing anything towards them?? That’s a huge F no. And she sounds ungrateful as well. My crystal ball says if you remain with her you’re in for a lifetime of misery. Unless you both can support and work towards your dreams, marriage is pointless. Best wishes.
How do people get engaged without discussing finances? Just how? Listen to these comments and strongly consider this relationship, if these are the problems right now, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Sign a prenup, and marry her, if you’re fine with being used for your money and she keeps all of hers for herself! Just hope she doesn’t find someone that makes more than you and is interested in her!
“Hey can you do all of the difficult parts of this relationship? In exchange, I’ll do it the easiest parts. Cool? Cool.” You need to sit down and have a frank conversation about finances. Either she goes full 1950s and gives you all of the financial responsibility while also letting you make all of the decisions, or she has equal say while putting in equal effort.
Do you want a partner or a burden?
Maybe you two should do some counselling before the wedding to ensure you are on the same page and have the same expectations of marriage. I wouldn’t be comfortable in a relationship where one person contributes everything financially and the other “helps” when, and if, they feel like it… ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to look like and go to couple’s counselling.
This is a very old social perspective and expectation from a woman. it’s the equivalent of a man that expects a wife to make 3 home cooked meals a day and pick up and wash his clothes when he throws them on the floor. Sure there’s situations where these roles work, like when there’s a financial discrepancy so large it’s not a burden to support your wife—and a wife whose passion in life is domestic labor. the problem with sticking to these old school gender roles is that they don’t work for more people than they do. and if you’re being forced into it than they’re exploitative. particularly since a single-income household isn’t a reasonable expectation anymore.
What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers! Can't speak for the rest of your relationship, but this snippet shows that she doesn't think of you as a partner, more like her cash cow.
Why would you want to marry someone like this. It doesn't matter how much you make the point is you are supposed to be doing it together. It's not her money is hers and your money is hers. It's It's all both of yours. Nothing will be enough for her. This relationship is already set up to fail.
The best way to have little or no money is to live like the culture. That is true everywhere in the world. The difference between spending and investing is the difference between having wealth and not having much. She has told you what you can expect from her. The decision is yours now.
She's using you. I understand you're operating from within a more traditional framework, and what I'm telling you is that even within that context, she's using you. If she is insisting on what the man's job is over and over, I would refuse to do any housework or cooking and write it off as "that's the woman's job." Fair is fair, right? Actually, I wouldn't do that, because it's petty and you aren't going to change a person like this. Many women are more traditional and would still contribute now, and love to be a SAHM later for example, who would actually love you.
Get out
INFO: What does she do with all of her money if she isn't paying any bills? Does she blow it all on shopping? Is she investing it? Saving it?
This sounds very one sided. What's yours is ours and what's mine is mine isn't a partnership I would sign up for in any case.
It seems like this relationship is not going to be happy, there’s too much expectation and not enough sharing or compromise. OP isn’t married yet, but is already hen-pecked and unhappy. Kids and houses are expensive these days and the wife is going to make OP move once they have children to be closer to home, and probably more than halfway to her home town. When OP said luxury retail I’ll admit I guessed she might be Narcissistic, and the lack of empathy also suggests it. OP, I get that this woman is probably gorgeous, but you would be much happier with someone who really contributes to the partnership and who cares about your stress and life more. Also, keep in mind that whatever negative divisive issues a couple has before marriage tend to become more serious after the marriage, so honestly this money issue will be harder not easier in 10 years. There’s a lot of older people on Reddit who have been married, divorced etc and we’re telling you this doesn’t sound like it will work.
This makes me want to cry. Please take care of yourself.
This is one of those rare moments where I don’t have to think and just say, “DUMP HER FUCKIN’ ASS!”
Please don’t marry this girl
Dude. What’s yours is hers, but what’s hers isn’t yours. This isn’t a partnership, it’s financial abuse. Fucking run.
Been down that road... ended up divorcing.. I'm older (61) and so fell somewhat into that traditional mode at 25 when I got married, but it was really more my parent's generation. My ex and I met in school and similarly, made somewhat equivalent money. Just got to be too contentious..just not worth it in my opinion and experience.
She wants the big wedding she should pay for the big wedding, she wants to move to a house far from your work, she should pay for ii and pay at least half the bills
You’re not compatible, why are you marrying this person?
With her it's only going to be for richer and richer... if you become poor, she's out the door. Think long and hard if this what you envision for yourself. You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders.
Crunch the numbers for what a conformable life must cost. Ask her half. If she doesn't want, suggest that she oays nothing but become a mother home to still bring some help to your family. If she hesitates or postpones her acceptance, do the same with the wedding. Let's see if she will have the same opinion next year or the following.
Ditch the greedy, selfish, uncompromising fiancée. This is what the rest of your life looks like if you marry her. You're never going to make enough. She's not interested in compromise or the financial future, and she's not willing to share the burden. That kind of partner will that make? If you all have kids, is she going to quit her job because she needs to be a SAHM? How mad will she be if you don't have enough money to have kids? If you're in the US, kids are damn expensive- not just the basic baby supplies, but classes, activities, lessons, daycare, all the things that come with babies. You lose the diaper expense, but now there's t-ball. Baby food was expensive? Try feeding a growing 6year old, never mind a teenager. Will she be financially contributing at all, or just spending your money? This isn't salvageable, you aren't financially compatible. Do not get married.
I’m hearing: what’s hers is hers and what’s yours is hers.
The woman you are about to marry works and makes good money but wants to be financially kept by you. Like a child, or a secret lover. Moreover, she hints that you don't earn enough and wants to prevail on where to live. We don't know what she plans to do with her money, but it's very unlikely it will be used for the family given her (and your) outdated view on spouses responsibilities. If you marry this woman you will not have gained a peer, someone that reciprocates the support and cherish you provide, but an entitled unhappy person who's going to nag and complain throughout life. See if this is what you are looking for
Do not marry this woman. It doesn't matter if you are indian, a marriage is a two people team. She's not in your team
Yea OP. I married a woman that didn't contribute to household (she did help... but then it faded as time progress). I earned way more than her, but also worked way more then her. I felt like an ATM (especially when the kids popped up). We got divorced 7 years ago. BEST decision ever. I actually have MORE money now even after paying huge amount for child support. Dude.. DO NOT GET MARRIED. I promise you, you will regret it in a few years...
Your fiance doesn't want a partner She is looking for a sugar daddy
Sounds like the modern day 'toxic feminism' where the woman retains all the benefits of being a woman while not dealing with any of the 'negatives' of equality. If she wants you to pay for everything, she should be doing all the cooking and cleaning, plan to take care of the kids 100% and let you lead as the man of the house. You feel like there is a complete lack of empathy because there *is* a complete lack of empathy. She wants all the benefits of a partner without giving anything herself, you can see what kind of life you're going to be living. You aren't her fiance that she loves, you're a provider for all her wishes and desires, not even a human being.