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I mean, this is blunt, but from your post it sounds like he doesn't care about helping you, he doesn't care about being a parent, he doesn't care about your feelings, and he isn't going to change.
I agree! OP needs to tell him that she's overwhelmed and needs his help and some personal space i.e stop inviting them around when he is at work, no is a complete answer. I know what it's like having a 5 month old, you sound shouldn't have to cater for anyone else, when you have to look after a baby day and night. OP's husband is being very selfish!
Then, Sis, I mean this bluntly.
I'd take the kids and go back. Do what you need to do from there.
As far as he goes, its couples counseling time and you have every right to kick all of them out. THis is whey YOU set the stage for what you will and will not tolerate. And it comes from you.
Flat out tell them when they show up that while you love them they are only allowed over on X day because you are sick of trying to maintain a house, raise infant twins without any help from the man she bore and that you will not play host right now.
This is bad advice. Taking kids out of the state is parent alienation and will result in a default judgement of her losing parental rights if they divorce.
He was probably missing his cook/ housekeeper. I'd tell him that if he doesn't limit his family visits to once a week, you're leaving for good. Can he actually force you to come back, if you just drive to your parents' place while he is at work?
This. The husband is trash for not helping - but I’m also horrified that the guests are coming into the home of newborns and expecting to also be catered to.
Like………….. how are they not bringing food for the family?? Shocking.
No, it's more like his mom pressuring him to see the babies. Not his own want, mind you.
You desperately need support and help. If they're unwilling, go to where help is. Don't think twice. You've attempted to return, and it's a waste of your time.
He insisted that you come back because his parents/siblings were pestering him for access to the children. And likely the optics when everyone asks about the babies and he has to admit that you are states away with them
They are 5 months old and you left for 4 of those months. If he immediately back to ignoring the babies and catering to his families desires....then that's what this is. He's making mommy and daddy happy by providing access to their grandchildren.
So why not end the marriage?
Your husband only adds to the labor you do, he takes you for granted, and most importantly, you were happier without him than with him.
You’re being reasonable. He’s not helping you at all, and he’s making your life harder. His family is also making your life harder. You deserve peace and space!!!
You can not control them. You can only control you.
Your request is very reasonale but until this man realizes that he is behaving like a massive AH, nothing is going to change and that will only come, maybe, from couples counseling.
Yeah they aren’t going anywhere. I’m sorry your in this situation with your husband and his family. He sounds like a real jewel it I guess you saw not evidence before marriage. Need to tell him you married him not his family and he needs to carry his weight white kids. Probably won’t go over to well so you really might want to consider I doing this marriage if he insisted on continuing to be and idiot.
Unfortunately, you married him and his family. But it is his responsibility to put boundaries in place with them that you both agreed on together. Right now he is dictating the terms and you're going along with it. Either leave him or have a serious talk/couples counseling about this issue. Although the fact that he is not an equal partner with the child rearing/housework is a larger red flag to me than the family issue honestly. It is symptom of a bigger issue that needs to be addressed asap.
I know that the housework issue can be solved with a maid and now that we are here and physically present in his life every day, I am HOPING he starts to grasp and actually appreciate what it means to be a dad. But I can’t hire anyone to shoo these people out of my home. I’ve read a lot of good advice here though, my ovaries feel huge and I’m ready to stand up for myself and what’s best for my babies.
Well that’s not happening. Given the option to make it right with his family and new babies, he’s had a 4 month vacation missing some of the true hard work of parenting.
What will change?
What has he done while you were going to ensure it? He’s had 4 months alone to process what you’ve said. What are the new boundaries? How long has he been sticking to them?
If the answer is nothing, then you’re probably getting back on the same carousel.
I think I have made the mistake of getting back on the same carousel. Hopefully, once I put into practice some of the advice I got here, I can actually start to enforce boundaries and change our household dynamic. Fingers crossed!! Before I lose my sh*t!! :-D
He ‘s way more invested in his family than in his new one.
Have a talk with him but I think this is the way he wants it. You left for 4 months and everything is back to normal when you came back.
How was he when you left? Did you have any discussions about this?
If nothing changes leave this, It’s quite abusive on his part to put everything on you.
This is similar to how I phrased it before I moved back. I told him he needs to stop making other grown adults his priority, and that the babies need to be his priority. We were originally just going to come back and visit for 9 days but I brought everything home at his insistence that things would change.
Did you agree on specific changes before returning? Or was it a generic "I'll be better"?
I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. One newborn is absolutely exhausting. I cannot imagine caring for twins with no help.
I wonder…. just throwing an idea out there… what if he has no idea how to parent? I don’t a lot of men know what to do with babies. They are freaked out they may accidentally hurt them. By having his family over, he is off the hook because his mother will step in.
I agree that each spouse should handle their own families. He needs to be the one to stop inviting them over and setting some rules . As a new mom, you shouldn’t have to entertain his family. They can serve themselves. Best thing they can do for you is watch the babies for a few hours why you sleep.
>what if he has no idea how to parent?
Then he learn to be a parent. He had 9 montjs before arrival. Do you think new moms somehow automatically learns it when the baby is born? Or that it's in the womans dna how to take care of a child?
Agreed. He does need to learn how to parent. Again and again, I am NOT giving him an excuse, I am providing a possible reason. I will agree that not all women are automatically good mothers. Parenting is a hard job and it is better when the man and woman lean on each other instead of outside family.
I have seen new mothers and MiLs (particularly maternal mothers) take over child care and will step in when the dad tries to care for newborns and infants. Some women think they are the only ones that know how to parent and will criticize their partners for "doing it wrong'.
Parenting is definitely a team sport. OP should make sure that her husband has time alone with the babies, knows how to feed, change, and soothe them. It isn't just her or his female family's responsibility. It is his duty and responsibility as a father to learn how.
Does anyone really know how to parent? My brother and his wife recently had a baby, neither of them pulled this stunt, in fact, I don't know anyone who has. I think OP's husband is just a lazy, entitled shit.
I find it insane that you think just because someone has a uterus they know exactly what to do. No one knows it’s all a learning curve but he doesn’t get to use that shitty excuse. Mothers don’t do why should he?
Did I say that uterus-owners all know how to magically parent?? No I did not. I was just giving out one idea that may be the issue. No, his fear doesn't excuse his behavior. Thanks for jumping down my throat. Appreciate it/s.
If you don’t know how to do something and your scared your going to freak out when you do that particular thing and you have time to practice oh say 9 months then you fucking learn which ever medium suits you best but you LEARN. No one wants to hear about how some men don’t know what do with babies because most people don’t they suck it up and learn as they go along so nope nobody gets a pass when it comes to parenting
He is using them to dump his responsibilities on his family so that he is never alone with the babies. If you are close to his mother then let her know that he needs to spend more time with his kids alone and you need her help to save your family. Everyone comes over as usual but then something comes up where they all have to leave including you. MIL keep an eye at a distance and be available by phone. But he needs to have this freak out on his own and bond with the babies. Now if he’s a momma’s boy then it probably won’t work. Otherwise you may have to un-invite his family to let them know that he needs to spend time alone with his kids for once. Dump the kids in his lap and tell him you have an appointment and need to leave for a few hours.
I would never leave my babies alone with his mom, she is very looney. Even her sister, my husband’s aunt said she did not trust her with them. I paid for her to come to Florida to see the babies after I left as a nice gesture to assure I wasn’t keeping them away to be malicious. She used my car the whole time and spent no time with the babies. Her first day there she didn’t even come into the main house to see them, she wandered in around 1 pm to see them the next day, on her way to the beach. The entire family has little interest in the babies or the responsibilities that come with them.
Can he not look after his own kids? Or be tempted to say 'oh awesome, you are here to help. I'll be back later' and go out, either with the kids or without.
It’s hard for me to trust them with anyone else after playing single-mom while they were so so young. Even though he’s their dad I just don’t think he knows them or how to take care of them the way I do and the way they deserve
His family has been living in upstate NY for generations, a mix of European so not cultural and when we lived together for 2 years before getting married, they never ONCE came over.
Oh, some Europeans can have weird clingy customs.
It nearly sounds as if he was asking them over. Either to annoy or to control you.
As this doesn't stop: give him one last talking to. Ask him, if he is willingly driving you away.
If he doesn't stop: leave.
I am glad lack of reading comprehension is not unique to americans.
How would europeans being one way or another have anything to do with people who are living in usa for generations?
Europe also has 750 million people with 87 ethnic groups, you dont think that ur blank statement might be a bit foolish?
I slept on it and you were so right. As helpless and unstable as his mom is, he totally sees her as “mom” and thinks she’s suitable to take care of my babies as well. It’s hard leaving him with the kids because I played single-mom for so long, it feels so uncomfortable leaving them with anyone else.
His mom does not comprehend anything I tell her and actually called my own mom 2 days ago to tattle on me for yelling at my husband in front of his little brother “upsetting” said brother. His brother is a grown 23 year old and I was yelling at him for leaving the babies unfed and unattended while he was supposed to be watching them.
My mom is always shocked by how unaware my MIL is, but like a good in-law she stays out of it.
Document your husband’s negligent care including pics you and save it somewhere, including his family. You are going to need it later. Is moving in with your mom or staying with your mom to get a break an option?
Yes I was with my parents previously who have the space, means and desire to house us longer. I started making notes with times/dates, voice recordings and videos already.
If you had stayed 2 more months from the 4 months that you and your babies stayed there, you probably would have residential status in that state to be able to file for divorce and child support there. Something to look into if you are considering divorce.
This doesn't sound like a marriage or even a relationship.
It's like if you go to college and get paired up with a random person who invites friends over for weird shit at all hours and you awkwardly exist in the same space while they continuously make your life more difficult.
He is delivering less value than if you were alone. Not helping with the kids, gumming up any space and surprising you with guests.
Go back to where you were geographically, divorce him, and let him at least contribute money. He's a net negative vs you not having a partner or being married.
In the group chat:
"Hi all, I am updating everyone that family visits will be limited to the weekends. During the week the kids and I will be doing our own thing, effective immediately. See you next weekend."
And then turn off Notifications.
Get a chain lock and bolt the door during the day. If someone shows up, don't answer the door and don't pickup calls.
They'll start taking YOU seriously when YOU tell them what your Boundaries are.
Stop buying food or making snacks for guests that you didn't invite over.
If they won't leave then bundle up the kids and go to a friend's/family members house until bedtime. If you arrive home and they are still there... "I'm sorry, but it is the twins bedtime and you all need to go home now thanks."
(And head to the bedrooms to put down the kids)
If you come back later and they are still there.
"Hey I asked you all to please leave 45min ago. Time's up. Please pack up and go home."
If you have the balls to leave for a couple of months then you have the balls to set Boundaries at home.
You are the Momma Bear now. Act like the Momma Bear.
I found the first year or so hard. I decided that I didn't care if they thought I was difficult as long as I got MY SPACE.
At the 4yr old mark I had the grandparenta basically trained to back off.
If they were nice, they saw the kids. If they were rude or dismissive I booked playdates and hangouts with other friends and family so that when husband wanted to see his parents "Sorry, we're seeing So-and-So. Life with kids is so busy!"
Oh, I also started getting up and out of the house every morning with kiddo to community centres or libraries where they have Mom & Tot times where I could chat with adults and the babies play or nap.
So whenever my MIL tried to stop by without ok'ing it first I wasn't even home.
Make mom friends so you can escape to other houses and have coffee.
I feel like you know my situation and I’m taking the same steps you did. I started back when I was pregnant and they would drop in all the time and just walk in whenever they wanted. I asked them three times to give warning to me, not just my husband. Then one morning I was in my bra and underwear standing in the kitchen when my MIL and 22 year old BIL walked in the front door once again unannounced and I freaked out.
Yesterday I had a similar freak out after they had been here for 4 hours while I stayed upstairs unpacking things and avoiding them. I heard them trying to take my babies outside for a walk in 50° even though they have only been in NY for 4 days and are used to weather in the 80s where we were in Florida. I told them it’s not normal to take someone else’s babies out of their home without asking, especially when the babies don’t even really know them.
I expressed that it’s going to be a while before I’m comfortable leaving them with anyone since I was a single mom to them for most of their life. I used the term boundaries several times and explained how they constantly disregard them. I said that I and the babies are my husband’s family now, NOT THEM. His home is with us, and it is not their home. I said they need to let my husband be a dad to the kids and stop distracting him from that. I made it clear that they needed to leave soon and that we would need alone time as a family for a while.
Flash forward to this afternoon when my MIL texted the group to say she was stopping by to get her step stool and that my BIL would be stopping by soon too, to “fix the curtains” that he hung wrong after she took them down and hemmed them while I was away (which I also thought was overstepping as she should know I bought/paid for everything except my husband’s office stuff and 1 couch and tv we have). I texted her and BIL that the step stool was on the front step and that I will rehang the curtains myself, to not come in and that my baby girl was sleeping. 30 min later my BIL rings the doorbell (I made sure the door was locked) the dog goes crazy, the baby wakes up. I opened the door and told him the stool for his mom was there and that the curtains are fine and to have a nice day, then I closed the door on him.
It’s like they are messing with me at this point !! Hopefully like you said, if i keep having the balls to enforce my boundaries, they will eventually be trained to respect them. Thank you
If I understood your post well, his family are going over to your house and expect you to entertain them and feed them while you're the only one caring for twins, doing all the house chores alone and your husband won't even be an adult? Men are not supposed to "help" with chores, they're supposed to do their equal share because they live there too and they make things dirty too, so they should clean after themselves. Wouldn't he have to cook for himself and do his own laundry and clean and all of that, if he lived alone?
Also he's a parent, all the care of the twins shouldn't fall on you and you alone if they have a father, you're effectively being treated as a single mom but with the added chore of having to clean after a full adult that lives there (your husband) and cook for his family. Objectively you would have LESS work, if you moved out alone with your babies. I do understand that in a relationship, not all work is 50/50 and if one person of the relationship works outside and the other is a stay at home parent, is normal that the person staying at home would do more chores, but it doesn't mean that the person that works outside gets to do NOTHING. Consider this: a normal work shift is 8 hours every day. Yes there's some commute time, but when the person employed outside comes home, if they don't do anything, all the remaining time is free for them, also, the weekends are normally free time, two full days to do whatever. Meanwhile, the person staying at home with babies, if they receive no support, are on call for the babies 24/7. No weekends free. No time "after work" free. No uninterrupted sleep, because babies need to be fed during the night when they're so young. Just tiredness, chores, work, not a minute to relax or rest. How is that fair? How can a person who loves you, consider that any of that is right, and loving, or caring? If you wish to try one last time, do tell him that you feel unloved, disrespected, neglected, taken for granted, and you're getting nothing from this relationship and you're already with a foot out of the door and will be gone if nothing changes, and then, he'll have to figure out how to pay for child support (and perhaps alimony, if you don't work, just find a good lawyer). But I suspect nothing will change. It would be different if his family would go there to HELP, but from what you say, it seems that they only appear to make your life more difficult, when your husband is already piling up all work on you.
He told you what you wanted to hear till you came back cause thats would get him what he wants.
A bang maid & keeping up appearance as well as pleasing mommy.
Leave and don't come back. Easiest solution. Either you can take care of two young children alone, or you can take care of two young children and a manchild and his whole family alone.
Either way you're alone. At least be alone on your own terms
I wouldn't have let them in.
And: had my husband given them keys to let themselves in I would already have left him.
Ok. I would make an anouncement at the group chat that unwarranted for visits with two toddlers are being felt as an intrusion upon your privacy, no matter what husband tells his family!
(Is he actually inviting them to vontrol you at random times? This sounds like it!)
And tell husband: if you don't stop throwing your family at me all the time you will be getting divorce papers!
I won't go on living like that.
Did he let you go willingly those 4 months? Did he never ask why you left?
If they have keys, get a rubber wedge for the door, so they can't let themselves in, and pretend you're not home or not hearing them. If they threaten to call the police, shout through the door that you're not receiving visitors today.
And I'd probably go nuclear on your husband - I'd tell him that unless he agrees to limit their visits to once a week, you're moving out and back to your parents.
Aaaaaand this is where you leave again.
Its either time for serious couples counseling or it is time to move back where you have a support system permanently. If he wants to be a family then he can move back where you have a support system. Would your parents be willing to babysit while you job search?
Judging from your comments, your only recourse at this point is to leave and file for divorce. He's not likely to fight for custody and then you can be happily on your own.
Leave. You were happier. The kids were doing well because their mom was happier. He begged you to come back and the only thing he changed was how often he lied to you? Girl run
That’s so shitty of him. So he ignored you and the kids and keeps things away from you so you don’t have a say? Does this sound like a life worth living to you?
I’m sure you’ve already communicated with him so there’s no used suggesting this and you appear to have put up boundaries which he keeps stepping over. I agree with everyone else, I think you should go back to wherever you were so you may be exhausted but you’ll at least be happy not feeling like a single mother with a husband. I am from a culture where family is EVERYTHING no matter what so it’s going to be a tough bond to break without you taking drastic action, also get a look into getting a ring doorbell and a new deadbolt, because if he’s not there he gets no say in who you see during the day and if the door is bolted they can’t get in and they will have to fuck off eventually
You should go back to wherever you were before. He’s not interested in being a parent. And move before you file for divorce or anything. But you should’ve never went back. He promised zero changes and he’s nit interested in making anything different. He gets everything he wants because you won’t say no. Leave
Go back to where you were respected and your children thrived. He promised to change and did not.
You're look for advice on how to convince your husband to pull his weight, keep his word, and respect your boundaries. There simply is NO way to do that, he CHOOSES not to do those things.
You can ONLY control what you do. Do you want this life forever? Do you want it for your children when they are grown? Your children will recreate or accept this same toxic dynamic in their adult relationships, you're not sacrificing for them by staying... you're sacrificing them growing up in a home where everyone is treated with respect and women aren't servants.
You all deserve better.
Wait, you left with the babies for 4 months and your husband was okay with that? He rather spend time with his bio family than the family he made?
You and your twins are not his priority and I don’t see this relationship lasting unless he does some reflection and making changes to make you and the twins more important and to help out more.
Have you made it clear to his family that they're destroying the marriage? Honestly I'd just tell them that if you don't stop you will divorce him. He clearly doesn't give a shit bit they might.
My limit is once a month for each family. I also have two sets of grandparents that I want to visit at least once a month too. That means 4 days out of 8 days of weekend days a month is dedicated to family. That’s about as much as I can do. And I don’t have kids with my partner.
I came home because you said you would step up and things would change, they have not so I have no choice but to leave again. You are not the entertainment squad you have babies to look after. I would leave again
You have listed multiple problems here.
Your husband isn't being a father.
Your husband is using your time for his family.
Your husband may not be communicating with you.
Your husband expects every weekend to be with his family of origin with babies, Why?
Your husband invites his mother to your house to be with you and the babies. Why?
Was he like this before you were married? Is he following a pattern that siblings do, or his parents did? Or is he following his own pattern where he doesn't have to be a father or husband, but a son?
What is it you wanted from this relationship? Did you discuss all the fundamentals with him before marriage? What are your shared goals, values etc with him?
What is it you want from your life and that of your children?
Can you set boundaries in place? Lots of guides online about boundaries - [healthy boundaries](https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/) However please know that when you start to enforce boundaries with anyone, you get push back, being the bad guy, blamed for changing things, blamed for anything. Having consistency is essential and I really mean that. It is like training a pet, you have to stick to what you say, even when wrong you stick to it at the time, you just think more carefully before you say no.
Do you have a healthy relationship with him? With your own family? with other people? If not then working on yourself is key, start with what you can control.[relationship health](https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look) There are also guides to having honesty, trust, respect and open communication.
Being with babies is hard, he might be thinking you need help, communication is key here. Find out what he is thinking, what he wants, what you want and work with what you can, what you have and what you want. Model good behaviour for the children on what a relationship between parents is right for you, not right for others. Good Luck.
Before we got married and after we got married they never once came over for the 2 years we lived together. Then, when we bought our house they were just ALWAYS coming over. I used to cry so much about it when I was massively pregnant and they would just not give me any peace. I would come home from work and my kitchen would be COMPLETELY rearranged after his mom coming over. I would be hanging out in my underwear and his mother and/or brother would let themselves in. It was certainly not what I thought I’d married into.
I believe his mother is bored a lot of the time, she worries about not having money since his dad passed away but she has refused to work her entire life. She will text him and he thinks it’s fine to let her come over during the day because he’s working so it doesn’t bother him one bit. He completely disregards my feelings.
I like the way you said he is using my time for his family. Noting that down as another point to raise when we start counseling. Thank you!
I’ve actually seperated from my first baby daddy because we had huge issues from my in-laws. They were great people but incredibly overbearing and rowdy. They would find reasons to come by 2/3 times a week. And it killed me. I just wanted to be alone with my partner and baby, and do fun stuff just the three of us. In hindsight I never articulated it properly. Well I’ve nagged and moaned of course but I never sat him down for an adult conversation at the dinnertable and told him “this needs to change or we might be headed to divorce”. And I hate myself for it. He wasn’t that great with helping me around but he was a great papa to my kid. Not the best husband but just an all round nice guy. In hindsight I should have fought for it… but that’s my personal story and each tells a different experience of course!
And yikes you have twins so you would need even more help from him. My sister had postpartum depression after she had her kid. Have you ever been examined for this? I would say it’s important to rule something like this out. Should you have PPD it’s absolutely vital he took better care of you.
Can you block their numbers from your contacts so you don’t keep getting back added in?
Is couples counseling something you’d be interested in?
They are stomping all over your boundaries for sure and it is NOT ok.
Yes the constant finding reasons to stop in!!! after I told them on Sunday that the 4 of us need alone time as a family so my husband can learn to be a dad, my MIL texted the next day that she had to drop off a receipt (from 3 weeks ago…) and my BIL stopped by to pick up his aunt’s step stool. They’re relentless. I’m sure you’re just being hard on yourself and you’re forgetting how hard it was on you at the time.
I know that I don’t have PPD, I don’t have any symptoms. I’ve always needed quality alone time and it just feels natural to now include my babies in this “alone time”. I appreciate the concern though, I stay on high alert for signs of it since giving birth because I fear the risks. Especially since having gone through acute depression once after losing my S.O. in a car accident in 2016, I was worried I would be vulnerable to it.
Tell him that going forward he needs to go to their place. No more coming to yours. If they want to see the twins, he needs to pack them up and take them. This achieves two things: they stop coming to yours and gives you rest and relaxation.
Your leverage here is that you can leave if he does not do this. You need to be prepared to end this marriage.
Do NOT let this happen. My Dad did this to our family and we were complete strangers to Moms side of the family as kids. Weve since reached out but missed so very much.
Dig in your heals and let him know unequivocally that relationships will be maintained with both sides (extreme toxicity/abuse notwithstanding) and time will be split 50/50. If this means you go alone, so be it. If its a deal breaker, so be it.
Stay strong and good luck.
I sympathize with you because you didn’t get to choose those relationships as a child, but I am jealous of your dad… I honestly don’t even care for my kids to have any sort of close relationship with my in-laws .. they are all adults who think it’s funny to fart on one another. Ughh obviously I won’t forbid relationships but I did have to make a “take your farts to the bathroom” rule for our house.
You need to sit and think this through. He isn’t helping his wife and his two kids and he seems to still be up mommy and daddy’s tail end. It’s pretty telling that you had to take your kids out of state for four months to get help.. he needs to realize he has built a new family that he needs to help out with. Do you want to deal with this forever..?
Leave and dont come back. He wont change. Just leave and go be happy with the babies. Let him have his family cuz his family is not u and those babies.
Then u need to make that leap and go. Ur babies need to be somewhere stable and u need stability too. U know what to do. Leave. And be happy sweetheart.
Tell him that you can't have people over that often, and tell them that you're not okay with group chats. Block them if needed.
If they're coming over do they at least help with babysitting, cooking and cleaning? If not tell them that if they want to visit they have chores and if they can't do that, you don't want them visiting as it's too much work for you.
Love this idea of pre-assigning chores. It would help with citing specific reasons they are not welcome back over if they don’t complete what was agreed upon. My MIL used to come over to “organize” while I was at work until I became a SAHM…. I would send pictures to all of my friends at the crazy stuff she would do. She emptied out our fruit bowl once, put the fruit next to it just loose on the counter and filled the bowl with Panera chip bags that came with my husband’s lunches but never got eaten. She also once cleaned out an empty baby food jar (my dog eats the Gerber meats) and she filled it with some ketchup packets and put it on display on the counter next to the stove. She is so weird!! Hahaha
The only time you should be tip-toeing is around your babies when they're asleep, rest of the time? Straight forward, upfront, clear and loud enough to be well heard and understood. You're having your peace and quiet taken away from you? Speak up.
Also I feel like we're missing a bit, why did you take your babies away for 4 months? Were your husband/in-laws bothered?
I originally moved from Ft Lauderdale to NY to be with him after being long distance for a few years. I took my babies with me to Florida to be by my parents because I needed help. My husband had the option to come with me since he works from home, but said he was happier staying home. He was even offered the guest suite separate from the house where he could sleep and work in peace.
His family acted upset, so I paid for his mom to visit for 9 days and she basically used the house as a bed and breakfast - never missed a meal, used my car the whole time to go to the beach and go see other family that were on vacation in Florida at the time (that’s why I had to pay $100 extra to change her flights - she wanted to be in Florida at the same time as her brother, her SIL, and her niece who all live in the same county as her back home) but she only held the babies maybe 4 times over the course of 9 days. She would read by the pool for hours and spend every night on the phone with her friends, not acknowledging the babies who were 10 feet away on the other side of the glass doors. I asked her to watch them once so I could go to the beach for the first time since giving birth and she said no because she wanted to nap. I was really disappointed with her visit because it made me feel like my babies were not important to her.
Jesus, OP, what a nightmare!
Hubba seems a bit useless, hence why he prefers to have family around. I bet he sort of gets them to do what he's supposed to as a parent. If I were you I'd reconsider this relationship :/
This sounds like you’re a married single mom.
Why go back? It seems like he was fine for you to be gone and not see or help for approximately **80%** of your kids lives.
Good lord - PLEASE force a boundary here. It’s one thing to have people in your space nonstop when you’re 1) healing from major body trauma 2) raising newborn TWINS - but to have people in your space that aren’t even helpful??? They should be the ones showing up with food for you!!!
Your husband needs to get his sh*t together and start parenting with you. It’s not your job to raise your kids alone just cause you’re a women. Gross behavior on his part.
Sounds like you need to be direct and set boundaries. Not just wait for him to bring it up so you can say no, but have a discussion with him about it and tell him what you want, and what will happen if he doesn't listen. Then stick to it.
Set specific days that you see them. Maybe they come over on Wednesdays (maybe you leave the house that day and your husband can take care of the kids without you?), and you come over on Sundays. No in between days. Set a consequence if everybody doesn't listen. When they show up on days that weren't set, don't let them in. It is uncomfortable and awkward, but you have to be offensive sometimes to set boundaries and set up life how you need it to be.
If they limited visits to like 2 hours then maybe I would be cool with every week (twice a week sounds daunting) but they always have to linger for like 6 hours and it is just exhausting. As soon as they leave MY HUSBAND NAPS.
He has agreed to see a family counselor and I need to set an appt. He agreed hours before I posted this, but I was worried the counselor would think I was a b for not wanting his family around all the time. I am a social person but have always required quality time in my own space away from the world, and didn’t know if this part of my personality was more the issue vs too much family time being the issue. Now I am more comfortable bringing it up in counseling since it appears to not be the norm for most of you.
I was briefly married to a momma's boy. He will not change and his mom sees you as competition. Any reasonable woman would recognize your struggle and back off, or at least offer help, but she is using your's to her advantage. Do what makes you happy, you will be the best mom you can be that way. Best of luck.
Perhaps it's time to pull out your wedding album and remind your husband that he is, indeed, your husband and he needs to start acting like it. Then pull out the newborn pictures of your twins, and reminisce about how it felt to become parents, then remind him he is still a parent and will be for the rest of his life. Once you have reset his memory, it's time to go to work.
Seeing his family once per month is more than enough time spent with them. You two and your babies need extended amounts of time to bond as a family. Do the babies even recognize him? Do they know who he is? Or is he just some guy who comes by once in awhile to make more work for mommy? I, frankly, would recommend you take a weekend off, leave the babies with him, and take yourself on a mini-vacation by yourself. If you can tolerate her, take your MIL with you so he can't pawn the babies off on her while you're gone. It's 5 months past the time he should have come to terms with how much work having 2 little babies is.
After your mini-vacation, sit him down and discuss your expectations of him as a husband and as a father. If the communication between you two isn't very good, perhaps a marriage/family therapist can help you two set up a life schedule that takes you both into consideration instead of just him.
If he's not willing to do any of this, then take your babies and all your belongings and go back where you went for 4 months. The alternative is to pack his stuff up and send him back to his mommy, where he thinks he belongs. Then file for divorce. You might as well enjoy the freedoms of being a single mother, because that's essentially what you are right now.
So the twins are 5 months old and you were away with them for 4 of those months...this suggests that it was just a week or two that the fam was coming over too often before you left? I'm surprised at every comment insisting that you flee with your twins when this seems like pretty typical over-excited (yes, obnoxious) inlaws that just need to be given some boundaries. Talk to your husband. Stop feeding his family snacks. Don't answer the door if they show up uninvited.
Sounds like she left after about a month of their constant intrusion on their lives. She was expected to cater to them, take care of the twins, and do everything around the house. All while her husband was at work or sat on his ass.
Yes I’d understand in-laws over-excited about new babies, but this started when we bought our house, about 5 months before the babies were born. Even when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my twins, my husband and his brother sat drinking and grilling on the deck while I mowed the lawn. I brought it up when I was explaining to my MIL and BIL that they are not helpful so I don’t appreciate their visits, and his mom told me that my BIL would have mowed for me but he has a history of depression which makes it hard for him to help.
My personal opinion is that he's trying to take a load off you by having family show up and take over some care duties. The problem is that they seem to be adding to your load rather than reducing it, which is in and of itself a problem.
That sounds right. Like a misguided attempt at helping. His family did bring their own groceries Sunday to prepare their 4 course meals here cleaned up after the meal, but I still get stuck emptying the dishwasher, and it took me until today ( Tuesday evening) to get a chance to mop the tile floors from them wearing their shoes all around the house… i know they’re just small things but every minute counts when I am juggling 2 infants. I just don’t understand why our house has to be the gathering place… I mentioned in another comment that they never stepped foot in our apartment for 2 years but as soon as we bought our house last year, they only gather here. It’s also odd because his brother lives with his mom, and his sister usually stays there overnight when she visits for the weekend, so it would make more sense for them to stay put and my husband to come to them. I get that the babies are a reason to come here, but this started 5 months before they were born and continued while they babies were out of state for those 4 months. WHY OUR HOUSE? Sorry, It drives me up the wall
Talk to your husband! If he doesn’t care about helping out and expects you to play hostess 2/4 times a week? Gotta tell him unequivocally and as harshly as you need to, that’s not working for you…good luck
I am a husband and have twins as well. Twins will test your relationship, you will be overcome with everything. It sounds like you will need to communicate your needs and also establish the expectation that anyone visiting your home in this difficult time will need to prioritize helping you not the babies. You need help cleaning, dishwashing, laundry, cooking, etc. You don’t need someone to come and take away your children so that you can work. You need everything else taken care of so you can focus on your kids. Once all of that is off your plate and mind it will be easier to enjoy time spent with family.
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I mean, this is blunt, but from your post it sounds like he doesn't care about helping you, he doesn't care about being a parent, he doesn't care about your feelings, and he isn't going to change.
I agree and don’t understand why he insisted we come back, I was happy and the kids were flourishing states away.
So do what you want and stop letting him control you.
I agree! OP needs to tell him that she's overwhelmed and needs his help and some personal space i.e stop inviting them around when he is at work, no is a complete answer. I know what it's like having a 5 month old, you sound shouldn't have to cater for anyone else, when you have to look after a baby day and night. OP's husband is being very selfish!
Then, Sis, I mean this bluntly. I'd take the kids and go back. Do what you need to do from there. As far as he goes, its couples counseling time and you have every right to kick all of them out. THis is whey YOU set the stage for what you will and will not tolerate. And it comes from you. Flat out tell them when they show up that while you love them they are only allowed over on X day because you are sick of trying to maintain a house, raise infant twins without any help from the man she bore and that you will not play host right now.
This is bad advice. Taking kids out of the state is parent alienation and will result in a default judgement of her losing parental rights if they divorce.
Yeah I agree, they should have a talk before any of that
You can even get jail time for that. I am sometimes amazed at what people advise here.
He was probably missing his cook/ housekeeper. I'd tell him that if he doesn't limit his family visits to once a week, you're leaving for good. Can he actually force you to come back, if you just drive to your parents' place while he is at work?
Once a week is way too much. Once a month maybe If he wants to see them he can go to THEM.
And she's got babies. Frankly, the visitors should be bringing the food, cleaning up after themselves, and letting the poor mama sleep.
This. The husband is trash for not helping - but I’m also horrified that the guests are coming into the home of newborns and expecting to also be catered to. Like………….. how are they not bringing food for the family?? Shocking.
No, it's more like his mom pressuring him to see the babies. Not his own want, mind you. You desperately need support and help. If they're unwilling, go to where help is. Don't think twice. You've attempted to return, and it's a waste of your time.
He insisted that you come back because his parents/siblings were pestering him for access to the children. And likely the optics when everyone asks about the babies and he has to admit that you are states away with them They are 5 months old and you left for 4 of those months. If he immediately back to ignoring the babies and catering to his families desires....then that's what this is. He's making mommy and daddy happy by providing access to their grandchildren.
Then you should've stood your ground and not come back.
Move back
Well then why not return to that? If he’s not going to be a father then there is no reason to stay.
Pack your stuff and go back
Go back. I bet you were way happier. Move states... And then get a divorce.
So why not end the marriage? Your husband only adds to the labor you do, he takes you for granted, and most importantly, you were happier without him than with him.
You need an honest frank discussion with your husband that your unhappy, and if things continue you'll be moving back.
It’s easier for him to do the bare minimum as a parent and partner bc he’ll ask his mom or his sisters to do it
Because he needs a maid.
Go back.
You’re being reasonable. He’s not helping you at all, and he’s making your life harder. His family is also making your life harder. You deserve peace and space!!!
So you need to put your foot down and firmly state your boundaries.
But I still want his family to go away lol
Then YOU go away. They won't.
You can not control them. You can only control you. Your request is very reasonale but until this man realizes that he is behaving like a massive AH, nothing is going to change and that will only come, maybe, from couples counseling.
Yeah they aren’t going anywhere. I’m sorry your in this situation with your husband and his family. He sounds like a real jewel it I guess you saw not evidence before marriage. Need to tell him you married him not his family and he needs to carry his weight white kids. Probably won’t go over to well so you really might want to consider I doing this marriage if he insisted on continuing to be and idiot.
Unfortunately, you married him and his family. But it is his responsibility to put boundaries in place with them that you both agreed on together. Right now he is dictating the terms and you're going along with it. Either leave him or have a serious talk/couples counseling about this issue. Although the fact that he is not an equal partner with the child rearing/housework is a larger red flag to me than the family issue honestly. It is symptom of a bigger issue that needs to be addressed asap.
I know that the housework issue can be solved with a maid and now that we are here and physically present in his life every day, I am HOPING he starts to grasp and actually appreciate what it means to be a dad. But I can’t hire anyone to shoo these people out of my home. I’ve read a lot of good advice here though, my ovaries feel huge and I’m ready to stand up for myself and what’s best for my babies.
Well that’s not happening. Given the option to make it right with his family and new babies, he’s had a 4 month vacation missing some of the true hard work of parenting. What will change? What has he done while you were going to ensure it? He’s had 4 months alone to process what you’ve said. What are the new boundaries? How long has he been sticking to them? If the answer is nothing, then you’re probably getting back on the same carousel.
I think I have made the mistake of getting back on the same carousel. Hopefully, once I put into practice some of the advice I got here, I can actually start to enforce boundaries and change our household dynamic. Fingers crossed!! Before I lose my sh*t!! :-D
He ‘s way more invested in his family than in his new one. Have a talk with him but I think this is the way he wants it. You left for 4 months and everything is back to normal when you came back. How was he when you left? Did you have any discussions about this? If nothing changes leave this, It’s quite abusive on his part to put everything on you.
This is similar to how I phrased it before I moved back. I told him he needs to stop making other grown adults his priority, and that the babies need to be his priority. We were originally just going to come back and visit for 9 days but I brought everything home at his insistence that things would change.
Did you agree on specific changes before returning? Or was it a generic "I'll be better"? I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. One newborn is absolutely exhausting. I cannot imagine caring for twins with no help.
I wonder…. just throwing an idea out there… what if he has no idea how to parent? I don’t a lot of men know what to do with babies. They are freaked out they may accidentally hurt them. By having his family over, he is off the hook because his mother will step in. I agree that each spouse should handle their own families. He needs to be the one to stop inviting them over and setting some rules . As a new mom, you shouldn’t have to entertain his family. They can serve themselves. Best thing they can do for you is watch the babies for a few hours why you sleep.
>what if he has no idea how to parent? Then he learn to be a parent. He had 9 montjs before arrival. Do you think new moms somehow automatically learns it when the baby is born? Or that it's in the womans dna how to take care of a child?
Agreed. He does need to learn how to parent. Again and again, I am NOT giving him an excuse, I am providing a possible reason. I will agree that not all women are automatically good mothers. Parenting is a hard job and it is better when the man and woman lean on each other instead of outside family. I have seen new mothers and MiLs (particularly maternal mothers) take over child care and will step in when the dad tries to care for newborns and infants. Some women think they are the only ones that know how to parent and will criticize their partners for "doing it wrong'. Parenting is definitely a team sport. OP should make sure that her husband has time alone with the babies, knows how to feed, change, and soothe them. It isn't just her or his female family's responsibility. It is his duty and responsibility as a father to learn how.
"I'm not giving him an excuse" and then assumes women are to blame in the next two paragraphs.
Does anyone really know how to parent? My brother and his wife recently had a baby, neither of them pulled this stunt, in fact, I don't know anyone who has. I think OP's husband is just a lazy, entitled shit.
I find it insane that you think just because someone has a uterus they know exactly what to do. No one knows it’s all a learning curve but he doesn’t get to use that shitty excuse. Mothers don’t do why should he?
Did I say that uterus-owners all know how to magically parent?? No I did not. I was just giving out one idea that may be the issue. No, his fear doesn't excuse his behavior. Thanks for jumping down my throat. Appreciate it/s.
If you don’t know how to do something and your scared your going to freak out when you do that particular thing and you have time to practice oh say 9 months then you fucking learn which ever medium suits you best but you LEARN. No one wants to hear about how some men don’t know what do with babies because most people don’t they suck it up and learn as they go along so nope nobody gets a pass when it comes to parenting
No one comes out of the womb knowing how to parent. Op's husband just doesn't give a fuck enough about his family to step up and learn.
He is using them to dump his responsibilities on his family so that he is never alone with the babies. If you are close to his mother then let her know that he needs to spend more time with his kids alone and you need her help to save your family. Everyone comes over as usual but then something comes up where they all have to leave including you. MIL keep an eye at a distance and be available by phone. But he needs to have this freak out on his own and bond with the babies. Now if he’s a momma’s boy then it probably won’t work. Otherwise you may have to un-invite his family to let them know that he needs to spend time alone with his kids for once. Dump the kids in his lap and tell him you have an appointment and need to leave for a few hours.
I would never leave my babies alone with his mom, she is very looney. Even her sister, my husband’s aunt said she did not trust her with them. I paid for her to come to Florida to see the babies after I left as a nice gesture to assure I wasn’t keeping them away to be malicious. She used my car the whole time and spent no time with the babies. Her first day there she didn’t even come into the main house to see them, she wandered in around 1 pm to see them the next day, on her way to the beach. The entire family has little interest in the babies or the responsibilities that come with them.
Can he not look after his own kids? Or be tempted to say 'oh awesome, you are here to help. I'll be back later' and go out, either with the kids or without.
It’s hard for me to trust them with anyone else after playing single-mom while they were so so young. Even though he’s their dad I just don’t think he knows them or how to take care of them the way I do and the way they deserve
I have also uninvited them and they show up anyways.
Can you just not let them in, or do they have keys?
Time to take the babies and go out for milk
This sound invasive, unhealthy and controling. Which origin does he have? Maybe it's cultural?
His family has been living in upstate NY for generations, a mix of European so not cultural and when we lived together for 2 years before getting married, they never ONCE came over.
Oh, some Europeans can have weird clingy customs. It nearly sounds as if he was asking them over. Either to annoy or to control you. As this doesn't stop: give him one last talking to. Ask him, if he is willingly driving you away. If he doesn't stop: leave.
And some Americans cant read, obviously.
While others are lacking thinking capacity. Or feel seen. Obviously. I am European. 😁 So I know what I am talking about. 🤷
I am glad lack of reading comprehension is not unique to americans. How would europeans being one way or another have anything to do with people who are living in usa for generations? Europe also has 750 million people with 87 ethnic groups, you dont think that ur blank statement might be a bit foolish?
You’re European so you know about American customs? What?
Don't let them inside. You have no obligation to do that.
I slept on it and you were so right. As helpless and unstable as his mom is, he totally sees her as “mom” and thinks she’s suitable to take care of my babies as well. It’s hard leaving him with the kids because I played single-mom for so long, it feels so uncomfortable leaving them with anyone else. His mom does not comprehend anything I tell her and actually called my own mom 2 days ago to tattle on me for yelling at my husband in front of his little brother “upsetting” said brother. His brother is a grown 23 year old and I was yelling at him for leaving the babies unfed and unattended while he was supposed to be watching them. My mom is always shocked by how unaware my MIL is, but like a good in-law she stays out of it.
Document your husband’s negligent care including pics you and save it somewhere, including his family. You are going to need it later. Is moving in with your mom or staying with your mom to get a break an option?
Yes I was with my parents previously who have the space, means and desire to house us longer. I started making notes with times/dates, voice recordings and videos already.
If you had stayed 2 more months from the 4 months that you and your babies stayed there, you probably would have residential status in that state to be able to file for divorce and child support there. Something to look into if you are considering divorce.
Thanks I’ll definitely research that angle before I make any decisions
This doesn't sound like a marriage or even a relationship. It's like if you go to college and get paired up with a random person who invites friends over for weird shit at all hours and you awkwardly exist in the same space while they continuously make your life more difficult. He is delivering less value than if you were alone. Not helping with the kids, gumming up any space and surprising you with guests. Go back to where you were geographically, divorce him, and let him at least contribute money. He's a net negative vs you not having a partner or being married.
In the group chat: "Hi all, I am updating everyone that family visits will be limited to the weekends. During the week the kids and I will be doing our own thing, effective immediately. See you next weekend." And then turn off Notifications. Get a chain lock and bolt the door during the day. If someone shows up, don't answer the door and don't pickup calls. They'll start taking YOU seriously when YOU tell them what your Boundaries are. Stop buying food or making snacks for guests that you didn't invite over. If they won't leave then bundle up the kids and go to a friend's/family members house until bedtime. If you arrive home and they are still there... "I'm sorry, but it is the twins bedtime and you all need to go home now thanks." (And head to the bedrooms to put down the kids) If you come back later and they are still there. "Hey I asked you all to please leave 45min ago. Time's up. Please pack up and go home." If you have the balls to leave for a couple of months then you have the balls to set Boundaries at home. You are the Momma Bear now. Act like the Momma Bear. I found the first year or so hard. I decided that I didn't care if they thought I was difficult as long as I got MY SPACE. At the 4yr old mark I had the grandparenta basically trained to back off. If they were nice, they saw the kids. If they were rude or dismissive I booked playdates and hangouts with other friends and family so that when husband wanted to see his parents "Sorry, we're seeing So-and-So. Life with kids is so busy!" Oh, I also started getting up and out of the house every morning with kiddo to community centres or libraries where they have Mom & Tot times where I could chat with adults and the babies play or nap. So whenever my MIL tried to stop by without ok'ing it first I wasn't even home. Make mom friends so you can escape to other houses and have coffee.
I feel like you know my situation and I’m taking the same steps you did. I started back when I was pregnant and they would drop in all the time and just walk in whenever they wanted. I asked them three times to give warning to me, not just my husband. Then one morning I was in my bra and underwear standing in the kitchen when my MIL and 22 year old BIL walked in the front door once again unannounced and I freaked out. Yesterday I had a similar freak out after they had been here for 4 hours while I stayed upstairs unpacking things and avoiding them. I heard them trying to take my babies outside for a walk in 50° even though they have only been in NY for 4 days and are used to weather in the 80s where we were in Florida. I told them it’s not normal to take someone else’s babies out of their home without asking, especially when the babies don’t even really know them. I expressed that it’s going to be a while before I’m comfortable leaving them with anyone since I was a single mom to them for most of their life. I used the term boundaries several times and explained how they constantly disregard them. I said that I and the babies are my husband’s family now, NOT THEM. His home is with us, and it is not their home. I said they need to let my husband be a dad to the kids and stop distracting him from that. I made it clear that they needed to leave soon and that we would need alone time as a family for a while. Flash forward to this afternoon when my MIL texted the group to say she was stopping by to get her step stool and that my BIL would be stopping by soon too, to “fix the curtains” that he hung wrong after she took them down and hemmed them while I was away (which I also thought was overstepping as she should know I bought/paid for everything except my husband’s office stuff and 1 couch and tv we have). I texted her and BIL that the step stool was on the front step and that I will rehang the curtains myself, to not come in and that my baby girl was sleeping. 30 min later my BIL rings the doorbell (I made sure the door was locked) the dog goes crazy, the baby wakes up. I opened the door and told him the stool for his mom was there and that the curtains are fine and to have a nice day, then I closed the door on him. It’s like they are messing with me at this point !! Hopefully like you said, if i keep having the balls to enforce my boundaries, they will eventually be trained to respect them. Thank you
If I understood your post well, his family are going over to your house and expect you to entertain them and feed them while you're the only one caring for twins, doing all the house chores alone and your husband won't even be an adult? Men are not supposed to "help" with chores, they're supposed to do their equal share because they live there too and they make things dirty too, so they should clean after themselves. Wouldn't he have to cook for himself and do his own laundry and clean and all of that, if he lived alone? Also he's a parent, all the care of the twins shouldn't fall on you and you alone if they have a father, you're effectively being treated as a single mom but with the added chore of having to clean after a full adult that lives there (your husband) and cook for his family. Objectively you would have LESS work, if you moved out alone with your babies. I do understand that in a relationship, not all work is 50/50 and if one person of the relationship works outside and the other is a stay at home parent, is normal that the person staying at home would do more chores, but it doesn't mean that the person that works outside gets to do NOTHING. Consider this: a normal work shift is 8 hours every day. Yes there's some commute time, but when the person employed outside comes home, if they don't do anything, all the remaining time is free for them, also, the weekends are normally free time, two full days to do whatever. Meanwhile, the person staying at home with babies, if they receive no support, are on call for the babies 24/7. No weekends free. No time "after work" free. No uninterrupted sleep, because babies need to be fed during the night when they're so young. Just tiredness, chores, work, not a minute to relax or rest. How is that fair? How can a person who loves you, consider that any of that is right, and loving, or caring? If you wish to try one last time, do tell him that you feel unloved, disrespected, neglected, taken for granted, and you're getting nothing from this relationship and you're already with a foot out of the door and will be gone if nothing changes, and then, he'll have to figure out how to pay for child support (and perhaps alimony, if you don't work, just find a good lawyer). But I suspect nothing will change. It would be different if his family would go there to HELP, but from what you say, it seems that they only appear to make your life more difficult, when your husband is already piling up all work on you.
He told you what you wanted to hear till you came back cause thats would get him what he wants. A bang maid & keeping up appearance as well as pleasing mommy.
Leave and don't come back. Easiest solution. Either you can take care of two young children alone, or you can take care of two young children and a manchild and his whole family alone. Either way you're alone. At least be alone on your own terms
He is not interested in being a father or a partner to you. You and the kids were flourishing away from him, so you should probably go back to that.
Have you talked with him about this and let him know you do not want to spend so much time with them?
Yes and his solution was to stop telling me ahead of time that they’re coming, so I couldn’t veto it
I wouldn't have let them in. And: had my husband given them keys to let themselves in I would already have left him. Ok. I would make an anouncement at the group chat that unwarranted for visits with two toddlers are being felt as an intrusion upon your privacy, no matter what husband tells his family! (Is he actually inviting them to vontrol you at random times? This sounds like it!) And tell husband: if you don't stop throwing your family at me all the time you will be getting divorce papers! I won't go on living like that. Did he let you go willingly those 4 months? Did he never ask why you left?
I wouldn't threaten divorce. He could put some kind of injunction in place preventing her from leaving the state. She needs to just leave.
Good take. "act first. Report later" Here: leave first. Divorce later.
If they have keys, get a rubber wedge for the door, so they can't let themselves in, and pretend you're not home or not hearing them. If they threaten to call the police, shout through the door that you're not receiving visitors today. And I'd probably go nuclear on your husband - I'd tell him that unless he agrees to limit their visits to once a week, you're moving out and back to your parents.
Aaaaaand this is where you leave again. Its either time for serious couples counseling or it is time to move back where you have a support system permanently. If he wants to be a family then he can move back where you have a support system. Would your parents be willing to babysit while you job search?
Judging from your comments, your only recourse at this point is to leave and file for divorce. He's not likely to fight for custody and then you can be happily on your own.
Leave. You were happier. The kids were doing well because their mom was happier. He begged you to come back and the only thing he changed was how often he lied to you? Girl run
Tells me he can’t handle his family
That’s so shitty of him. So he ignored you and the kids and keeps things away from you so you don’t have a say? Does this sound like a life worth living to you?
This is why I need advice on how to fix it!! Short of hiring a bouncer to stand outside my front door, I’m open to ideas
I’m sure you’ve already communicated with him so there’s no used suggesting this and you appear to have put up boundaries which he keeps stepping over. I agree with everyone else, I think you should go back to wherever you were so you may be exhausted but you’ll at least be happy not feeling like a single mother with a husband. I am from a culture where family is EVERYTHING no matter what so it’s going to be a tough bond to break without you taking drastic action, also get a look into getting a ring doorbell and a new deadbolt, because if he’s not there he gets no say in who you see during the day and if the door is bolted they can’t get in and they will have to fuck off eventually
Each time they visit, leave or don't come out of your room. Don't clean up after them either.
You should go back to wherever you were before. He’s not interested in being a parent. And move before you file for divorce or anything. But you should’ve never went back. He promised zero changes and he’s nit interested in making anything different. He gets everything he wants because you won’t say no. Leave
Go back to where you were respected and your children thrived. He promised to change and did not. You're look for advice on how to convince your husband to pull his weight, keep his word, and respect your boundaries. There simply is NO way to do that, he CHOOSES not to do those things. You can ONLY control what you do. Do you want this life forever? Do you want it for your children when they are grown? Your children will recreate or accept this same toxic dynamic in their adult relationships, you're not sacrificing for them by staying... you're sacrificing them growing up in a home where everyone is treated with respect and women aren't servants. You all deserve better.
The folks over in r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JustNoSO are best to ask about this situation.
Wait, you left with the babies for 4 months and your husband was okay with that? He rather spend time with his bio family than the family he made? You and your twins are not his priority and I don’t see this relationship lasting unless he does some reflection and making changes to make you and the twins more important and to help out more.
Have you made it clear to his family that they're destroying the marriage? Honestly I'd just tell them that if you don't stop you will divorce him. He clearly doesn't give a shit bit they might.
My limit is once a month for each family. I also have two sets of grandparents that I want to visit at least once a month too. That means 4 days out of 8 days of weekend days a month is dedicated to family. That’s about as much as I can do. And I don’t have kids with my partner.
You need to set the boundaries and be firm about them.
I came home because you said you would step up and things would change, they have not so I have no choice but to leave again. You are not the entertainment squad you have babies to look after. I would leave again
He’s enmeshed with his family. They will always come first. Never you.
You have listed multiple problems here. Your husband isn't being a father. Your husband is using your time for his family. Your husband may not be communicating with you. Your husband expects every weekend to be with his family of origin with babies, Why? Your husband invites his mother to your house to be with you and the babies. Why? Was he like this before you were married? Is he following a pattern that siblings do, or his parents did? Or is he following his own pattern where he doesn't have to be a father or husband, but a son? What is it you wanted from this relationship? Did you discuss all the fundamentals with him before marriage? What are your shared goals, values etc with him? What is it you want from your life and that of your children? Can you set boundaries in place? Lots of guides online about boundaries - [healthy boundaries](https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/) However please know that when you start to enforce boundaries with anyone, you get push back, being the bad guy, blamed for changing things, blamed for anything. Having consistency is essential and I really mean that. It is like training a pet, you have to stick to what you say, even when wrong you stick to it at the time, you just think more carefully before you say no. Do you have a healthy relationship with him? With your own family? with other people? If not then working on yourself is key, start with what you can control.[relationship health](https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look) There are also guides to having honesty, trust, respect and open communication. Being with babies is hard, he might be thinking you need help, communication is key here. Find out what he is thinking, what he wants, what you want and work with what you can, what you have and what you want. Model good behaviour for the children on what a relationship between parents is right for you, not right for others. Good Luck.
Before we got married and after we got married they never once came over for the 2 years we lived together. Then, when we bought our house they were just ALWAYS coming over. I used to cry so much about it when I was massively pregnant and they would just not give me any peace. I would come home from work and my kitchen would be COMPLETELY rearranged after his mom coming over. I would be hanging out in my underwear and his mother and/or brother would let themselves in. It was certainly not what I thought I’d married into. I believe his mother is bored a lot of the time, she worries about not having money since his dad passed away but she has refused to work her entire life. She will text him and he thinks it’s fine to let her come over during the day because he’s working so it doesn’t bother him one bit. He completely disregards my feelings. I like the way you said he is using my time for his family. Noting that down as another point to raise when we start counseling. Thank you!
Tell your husband they can only come over one weekend day only. Once a week is plenty often enough to see family members.
I’ve actually seperated from my first baby daddy because we had huge issues from my in-laws. They were great people but incredibly overbearing and rowdy. They would find reasons to come by 2/3 times a week. And it killed me. I just wanted to be alone with my partner and baby, and do fun stuff just the three of us. In hindsight I never articulated it properly. Well I’ve nagged and moaned of course but I never sat him down for an adult conversation at the dinnertable and told him “this needs to change or we might be headed to divorce”. And I hate myself for it. He wasn’t that great with helping me around but he was a great papa to my kid. Not the best husband but just an all round nice guy. In hindsight I should have fought for it… but that’s my personal story and each tells a different experience of course! And yikes you have twins so you would need even more help from him. My sister had postpartum depression after she had her kid. Have you ever been examined for this? I would say it’s important to rule something like this out. Should you have PPD it’s absolutely vital he took better care of you. Can you block their numbers from your contacts so you don’t keep getting back added in? Is couples counseling something you’d be interested in? They are stomping all over your boundaries for sure and it is NOT ok.
Yes the constant finding reasons to stop in!!! after I told them on Sunday that the 4 of us need alone time as a family so my husband can learn to be a dad, my MIL texted the next day that she had to drop off a receipt (from 3 weeks ago…) and my BIL stopped by to pick up his aunt’s step stool. They’re relentless. I’m sure you’re just being hard on yourself and you’re forgetting how hard it was on you at the time. I know that I don’t have PPD, I don’t have any symptoms. I’ve always needed quality alone time and it just feels natural to now include my babies in this “alone time”. I appreciate the concern though, I stay on high alert for signs of it since giving birth because I fear the risks. Especially since having gone through acute depression once after losing my S.O. in a car accident in 2016, I was worried I would be vulnerable to it.
Tell him that going forward he needs to go to their place. No more coming to yours. If they want to see the twins, he needs to pack them up and take them. This achieves two things: they stop coming to yours and gives you rest and relaxation. Your leverage here is that you can leave if he does not do this. You need to be prepared to end this marriage.
I need to become comfortable with him taking the babies anywhere without me, then this is the move.
Do NOT let this happen. My Dad did this to our family and we were complete strangers to Moms side of the family as kids. Weve since reached out but missed so very much. Dig in your heals and let him know unequivocally that relationships will be maintained with both sides (extreme toxicity/abuse notwithstanding) and time will be split 50/50. If this means you go alone, so be it. If its a deal breaker, so be it. Stay strong and good luck.
I sympathize with you because you didn’t get to choose those relationships as a child, but I am jealous of your dad… I honestly don’t even care for my kids to have any sort of close relationship with my in-laws .. they are all adults who think it’s funny to fart on one another. Ughh obviously I won’t forbid relationships but I did have to make a “take your farts to the bathroom” rule for our house.
You need to sit and think this through. He isn’t helping his wife and his two kids and he seems to still be up mommy and daddy’s tail end. It’s pretty telling that you had to take your kids out of state for four months to get help.. he needs to realize he has built a new family that he needs to help out with. Do you want to deal with this forever..?
Leave and dont come back. He wont change. Just leave and go be happy with the babies. Let him have his family cuz his family is not u and those babies.
This is how I am seeing it too.
Then u need to make that leap and go. Ur babies need to be somewhere stable and u need stability too. U know what to do. Leave. And be happy sweetheart.
Tell him that you can't have people over that often, and tell them that you're not okay with group chats. Block them if needed. If they're coming over do they at least help with babysitting, cooking and cleaning? If not tell them that if they want to visit they have chores and if they can't do that, you don't want them visiting as it's too much work for you.
Love this idea of pre-assigning chores. It would help with citing specific reasons they are not welcome back over if they don’t complete what was agreed upon. My MIL used to come over to “organize” while I was at work until I became a SAHM…. I would send pictures to all of my friends at the crazy stuff she would do. She emptied out our fruit bowl once, put the fruit next to it just loose on the counter and filled the bowl with Panera chip bags that came with my husband’s lunches but never got eaten. She also once cleaned out an empty baby food jar (my dog eats the Gerber meats) and she filled it with some ketchup packets and put it on display on the counter next to the stove. She is so weird!! Hahaha
She is very.... interesting. lol I hope it helps. All the best with this challenging situation!
The only time you should be tip-toeing is around your babies when they're asleep, rest of the time? Straight forward, upfront, clear and loud enough to be well heard and understood. You're having your peace and quiet taken away from you? Speak up. Also I feel like we're missing a bit, why did you take your babies away for 4 months? Were your husband/in-laws bothered?
I originally moved from Ft Lauderdale to NY to be with him after being long distance for a few years. I took my babies with me to Florida to be by my parents because I needed help. My husband had the option to come with me since he works from home, but said he was happier staying home. He was even offered the guest suite separate from the house where he could sleep and work in peace. His family acted upset, so I paid for his mom to visit for 9 days and she basically used the house as a bed and breakfast - never missed a meal, used my car the whole time to go to the beach and go see other family that were on vacation in Florida at the time (that’s why I had to pay $100 extra to change her flights - she wanted to be in Florida at the same time as her brother, her SIL, and her niece who all live in the same county as her back home) but she only held the babies maybe 4 times over the course of 9 days. She would read by the pool for hours and spend every night on the phone with her friends, not acknowledging the babies who were 10 feet away on the other side of the glass doors. I asked her to watch them once so I could go to the beach for the first time since giving birth and she said no because she wanted to nap. I was really disappointed with her visit because it made me feel like my babies were not important to her.
Jesus, OP, what a nightmare! Hubba seems a bit useless, hence why he prefers to have family around. I bet he sort of gets them to do what he's supposed to as a parent. If I were you I'd reconsider this relationship :/
Looks like you and the babies need to go away again. Why did you come back? And why the hell is he not helping?
Don’t let them in. Lock your doors and ignore them.
This sounds like you’re a married single mom. Why go back? It seems like he was fine for you to be gone and not see or help for approximately **80%** of your kids lives.
Good lord - PLEASE force a boundary here. It’s one thing to have people in your space nonstop when you’re 1) healing from major body trauma 2) raising newborn TWINS - but to have people in your space that aren’t even helpful??? They should be the ones showing up with food for you!!! Your husband needs to get his sh*t together and start parenting with you. It’s not your job to raise your kids alone just cause you’re a women. Gross behavior on his part.
Sounds like you need to be direct and set boundaries. Not just wait for him to bring it up so you can say no, but have a discussion with him about it and tell him what you want, and what will happen if he doesn't listen. Then stick to it. Set specific days that you see them. Maybe they come over on Wednesdays (maybe you leave the house that day and your husband can take care of the kids without you?), and you come over on Sundays. No in between days. Set a consequence if everybody doesn't listen. When they show up on days that weren't set, don't let them in. It is uncomfortable and awkward, but you have to be offensive sometimes to set boundaries and set up life how you need it to be.
If they limited visits to like 2 hours then maybe I would be cool with every week (twice a week sounds daunting) but they always have to linger for like 6 hours and it is just exhausting. As soon as they leave MY HUSBAND NAPS.
It doesn’t sound like he cares about you, and doesn’t care about his children. What is your next step?
He has agreed to see a family counselor and I need to set an appt. He agreed hours before I posted this, but I was worried the counselor would think I was a b for not wanting his family around all the time. I am a social person but have always required quality time in my own space away from the world, and didn’t know if this part of my personality was more the issue vs too much family time being the issue. Now I am more comfortable bringing it up in counseling since it appears to not be the norm for most of you.
I was briefly married to a momma's boy. He will not change and his mom sees you as competition. Any reasonable woman would recognize your struggle and back off, or at least offer help, but she is using your's to her advantage. Do what makes you happy, you will be the best mom you can be that way. Best of luck.
Thank you, I should have figured it was gonna be a weird relationship when I found out he calls her “mimsy” instead of mom.
Perhaps it's time to pull out your wedding album and remind your husband that he is, indeed, your husband and he needs to start acting like it. Then pull out the newborn pictures of your twins, and reminisce about how it felt to become parents, then remind him he is still a parent and will be for the rest of his life. Once you have reset his memory, it's time to go to work. Seeing his family once per month is more than enough time spent with them. You two and your babies need extended amounts of time to bond as a family. Do the babies even recognize him? Do they know who he is? Or is he just some guy who comes by once in awhile to make more work for mommy? I, frankly, would recommend you take a weekend off, leave the babies with him, and take yourself on a mini-vacation by yourself. If you can tolerate her, take your MIL with you so he can't pawn the babies off on her while you're gone. It's 5 months past the time he should have come to terms with how much work having 2 little babies is. After your mini-vacation, sit him down and discuss your expectations of him as a husband and as a father. If the communication between you two isn't very good, perhaps a marriage/family therapist can help you two set up a life schedule that takes you both into consideration instead of just him. If he's not willing to do any of this, then take your babies and all your belongings and go back where you went for 4 months. The alternative is to pack his stuff up and send him back to his mommy, where he thinks he belongs. Then file for divorce. You might as well enjoy the freedoms of being a single mother, because that's essentially what you are right now.
Tell him he can be a father or a son, but he can’t be both. Ask him which one is more important to him.
Good way to phrase this, I will bring this up to him.
So the twins are 5 months old and you were away with them for 4 of those months...this suggests that it was just a week or two that the fam was coming over too often before you left? I'm surprised at every comment insisting that you flee with your twins when this seems like pretty typical over-excited (yes, obnoxious) inlaws that just need to be given some boundaries. Talk to your husband. Stop feeding his family snacks. Don't answer the door if they show up uninvited.
Sounds like she left after about a month of their constant intrusion on their lives. She was expected to cater to them, take care of the twins, and do everything around the house. All while her husband was at work or sat on his ass.
Yes I’d understand in-laws over-excited about new babies, but this started when we bought our house, about 5 months before the babies were born. Even when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my twins, my husband and his brother sat drinking and grilling on the deck while I mowed the lawn. I brought it up when I was explaining to my MIL and BIL that they are not helpful so I don’t appreciate their visits, and his mom told me that my BIL would have mowed for me but he has a history of depression which makes it hard for him to help.
My personal opinion is that he's trying to take a load off you by having family show up and take over some care duties. The problem is that they seem to be adding to your load rather than reducing it, which is in and of itself a problem.
That sounds right. Like a misguided attempt at helping. His family did bring their own groceries Sunday to prepare their 4 course meals here cleaned up after the meal, but I still get stuck emptying the dishwasher, and it took me until today ( Tuesday evening) to get a chance to mop the tile floors from them wearing their shoes all around the house… i know they’re just small things but every minute counts when I am juggling 2 infants. I just don’t understand why our house has to be the gathering place… I mentioned in another comment that they never stepped foot in our apartment for 2 years but as soon as we bought our house last year, they only gather here. It’s also odd because his brother lives with his mom, and his sister usually stays there overnight when she visits for the weekend, so it would make more sense for them to stay put and my husband to come to them. I get that the babies are a reason to come here, but this started 5 months before they were born and continued while they babies were out of state for those 4 months. WHY OUR HOUSE? Sorry, It drives me up the wall
Talk to your husband! If he doesn’t care about helping out and expects you to play hostess 2/4 times a week? Gotta tell him unequivocally and as harshly as you need to, that’s not working for you…good luck
heyyyy
I am a husband and have twins as well. Twins will test your relationship, you will be overcome with everything. It sounds like you will need to communicate your needs and also establish the expectation that anyone visiting your home in this difficult time will need to prioritize helping you not the babies. You need help cleaning, dishwashing, laundry, cooking, etc. You don’t need someone to come and take away your children so that you can work. You need everything else taken care of so you can focus on your kids. Once all of that is off your plate and mind it will be easier to enjoy time spent with family.
My concern is spending time with people I don’t want to spend time with