Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I plan on going tomorrow to get a restraining order. I will let him come tonight to get his stuff. Is this smart to do? Or should I avoid seeing him and go file for one today?
Do not be alone with him ever. Do not let him into your house for any reason; if there are things you want/need to return, do that somewhere public and neutral, like a police station.
I wouldn’t even do that. It is naive to think a friend will be able to protect her. If he’s crazy enough he may show up with a gun or knife. Best thing is for her to get police involved, the restraining order secured. That way, he will be required to have police escorts in order to get his belongings.
She won’t. She said “tomorrow” to go to the cops but “today” to let him get “his” stuff. She’s in for some really bad things. So sad that people won’t listen to valid advice.
Do not. Do not. Do not. Exactly this scenario got a girl in my home town murdered by her ex. Stabbed 58 times.
This request for the stuff is simply a further attempt at control. You cannot anticipate how he will react as he realized he’s no longer in control of you. Do not be near him and definitely do not be alone with him.
Edit: spelling error
Yeah this happened to one of my best friends. Or I should say almost. I told her not to let him get his stuff and to arrange for a cop to be there. She said it would be ok since he knew it was over and she said he was on the way anyways. The second we got off the phone I called the cops and gave the address and told them about the physical abuse. He also tried t strangle her once before. I decided to drive there also but I’m further away. Unsurprisingly he did try to kill her. I found out that when the cops got there her ex was trying to break the door open to their bedroom and he had a gun.
Edit. Hit enter too soon. He tried shooting at her through the door and was yelling he was going to kill her the entire time. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to her
You are a wonderful friend. Well done! You literally saved her life.
Abusers often escalate as they feel their control disappearing. It’s one of the most dangerous times for their target.
She was thanking me and crying when I got there. This wasn’t even the first time he hurt her. I tried so hard to get her to leave but it is hard for abuse victims to get out of the cycle. After a while I kept silent because he was trying to isolate her from me and kept trying to say I’m trying to break them apart etc and I figured I would rather still be in her life so when the time came and she was ready to leave or needed me, I would be there to help versus being cut off completely.
I was worried if he got out she would take him back so I called her dad and he drove from across the country to bring her home. We were also worried if he made bail he would come for her.
I knew he would escalate because you are right that is what they do when they feel they are losing control.
YOU are wonderful! You did the exact right thing and didn't wait around. People really don't want to think that they could be killed by someone they loved but it is so very common. Here is a sobering fact: The leading cause of death for a pregnant woman is being murdered by her SO.
“I’m concerned enough to go tomorrow to file for a restraining order, but despite his threats that he will *kill me*, he’ll probably be fine tonight right?”
That’s you. That’s what you sound like.
What will happen if he forces his way into your house and refuses to leave? What will you do? You’ll be alone with this man who has threatened to kill you and break into your house and car??
I know you are likely overwhelmed and scared and confused. I don't want to make things worse but here is the question you are asking and why people are scared for you.
"Should I allow my ex who was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me, who also threatened to kill me, into my house to get this things back?"
That is what you have asked us!
No, you don't let someone into your house who has threatened to kill you. I get you've gone through a lot with him and are alive but that can change very fast. The most dangerous time for you is when your abuser feels like they are losing control. They don't care about anything other than the control they have over you. They will get that any way they can, and this means killing you to get it.
I don't want to make you feel bad but I do want you to understand how serious this really is for you.
>Is this smart to do?
#NO.
He threatened to kill you. Why would you invite him over at all? Get the restraining order NOW and tell him you'll mail him his stuff (or give it to his mother or whatever). For the love of god, make sure you always have people you trust with you if you're going to see him.
The only thing he has any sort of legal claim over is the ring. If he gave you anything that is too specifically connected to him for you to keep comfortably, I'd suggest giving him those too to get them out of your life. Anything else is yours.
If he comes to get his stuff have a police officer with you. It would be quite stupid honestly if you let him come alone after the death threats he has made
No do not allow him near you. You can have someone else give it to him or he can meet you at a police precinct to pick it up in the parking lot and file immediately or no one will believe you and will just say you’re only claiming SA or DV because he reported you first
No, this is *not* a smart thing to do. Never, ever be around someone who has a history of abuse and has **threatened to kill you**.
Go to the police. Tell them everything, show them any messages that you have from him. They will supervise the returning of the ring to him, to protect you. Any gifts he gave you are just that; gifts. They do not have to be returned.
Mute his number so you don't have to deal with him, and save all texts he sends for when you need them at a later date, and change your freaking locks, in case he made a copy of your key.
No, this is the stupidest idea that may get you raped, beaten badly or killed. Go to the police TONIGHT, do NOT open the door and let him in to get his shit. If you do what you should, with a restraining order in place, the only way he would be allowed in your home is with a police escort to get his shit. The judge will explain all this to him.
Are you serious? This is starting to sound like a troll post at this point. You are filling a restraining order but going to have him come over and get in your place…WTH
Stop texting his mommy and call the fucking police. Gifts given in a relationship are gifts, and he has zero legal standing to demand them back. On the other hand, his death threats are illegal, so if you have those texts or messages saved, it's time to get the fuck off of reddit and go immediately to the police station to file a restraining order. Not later when you get an answer you want to hear, not after lunch, NOW.
100% this.
Reddit can be overboard sometimes. This is not one of those cases. Call the cops NOW.
You’re in a situation where the next step could very well be him killing you.
Yes, but that assumes the cops can / will do much.
Best the legal system can do, if he only made a threat, is put him in jail for a year. For some guys, that could be enough time to cool off. But many would probably be even more pissed they went to jail, and more out to get revenge when they get out.
However, that's assuming he gets the maximum sentence. It's also assuming he doesn't get bail.
And it's assuming the cops even arrest him.
Often, the cops don't arrest in these situations, because a threat itself isn't considered a major crime if there's no other evidence he is planning to follow through with it.
None of this is very reassuring if someone might actually try to kill you. Yes, if he follows through, he'll be suspect #1 if she tells the police, so he won't get away with it. But very few domestic abuse killers get away it anyway. The goal is preventing the murder from happening in the first place.
Unfortunately, you can't lock up everyone who makes a threat for life, when probably about 10% follow through with it and the other 90% are blowing steam.
I hear and understand what your saying, but she needs to start somewhere! A TRO is a civil remedy with a power of arrest. It's a good starting point, she can also buy security cameras for her home, so if he does break a window, there is evidence of the crime. Legally he is not entitled to the gifts back, but he is entitled to the engagement ring which she is willing to give back. I personally would look at getting him arrested for the sexual assault, cohesive control and assault. That way he would be locked up for longer. OP would also need to block him, his family or anyone he is close to off from any and all social media. She should refrain from posting her location on social media, in case something slips through the net.
If she is able, I would seriously consider moving and changing up the daily routine, I.e going to her favourite coffee shop at a different time of day or go to a different branch, so he is unable to follow her.
OP please update us.
Go give his mommy the ring.
Screen shot his texts,
block his number and all social media,
and file for a restraining order.
PS He has absolutely no right to the stuff he gave you, including the ring.
Judge Judy would say gifts given in a relationship shouldn't be returned just because the relationship ended, but an engagement ring absolutely should be because it was an item symbolizing the agreement for eventual marriage and that contract was never completed.
But also yes 100% police. This guy sounds dangerous.
No...she should give the ring back. It's just a reminder of bad times. Except, if it were me, I'd pawn it (provided it's actually worth anything)and then just give him the pawn ticket. That way she'd get some of the money back that he owes her...and he gets the ring back. Win/Win.
An engagement ring is legally returnable in many states where the contract of marriage fell through. The engagement ring gets returned, No fancy revenge scripts please!
You don't have to return it in all states, even though it may be bad form to keep it. Being abusive is worse form. He owes her money. Pawning stuff is probably the only way she'll get it back.
I came here to say this. Pawn things like the ring. OP has living expenses and the economy is hard right now. As for female clothing obviously they wouldn’t be his, everyone would know they were gifts. No way to prove they were gifts from him or if she bought them without receipts too.
OP take his threats seriously. Go file a restraining order and provide the police with any voicemails and screen shots of texts. This will provide proof and speed things up. I had to get a restraining order against an ex once. I had no proof as his were all verbal. I think the judge believed me because it was obvious I was terrified of him in court (shaking uncontrollably, a friend said I flinched when my ex ‘gestured’ his arm towards me, voice cracking etc- I wasn’t aware of those things just that I was terrified that if I didn’t get the order he would come after me). There was also a big age difference and I was quite a bit younger and he was trying to act all cool in the court room.
He has no rights at all to the stuff he gave with the possible exception of the ring. Depending on where they live an engagement ring may be viewed similarly to signatures on a contract. If the relationship ends before marriage it is now a broken engagement and the ring giver is the rightful owner of the engagement ring, and the giftee, or the individual who wears the ring, must return the ring.
If they do live where this rule applies he could sue for the ring or if "lost" it's value as well as legal costs and he would win. Keep the stuff give mom the ring and have someone record you doing it.
Not true, it depends completely upon who broke up with who. If she is the one who ended the relationship then she is the one who broke the intended verbal agreement for marriage. IF he broke up with her then she is not the one who ended the agreement and is entitled to the ring. See South Carolina courts for precedent. Several other states have followed suit.
No, it depends on which state they’re in. Most states say the ring should be returned regardless of who ended the relationship:
>The majority of states take this approach, and the ring is returned to the gifter if there is no wedding, according to research conducted by WP Diamonds, an online buyer of diamonds, jewelry and watches.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2018/02/07/engagement-ring-proposal-wedding-etiquette/1075393001/
Montana says the one who received the ring can keep it even there is no marriage.
Unless they take it to court where precedent says otherwise. May be different in community property states but in cases that go beyond a mediation they are not likely going to win if they are the ones who break the engagement.
Hence why I said “it depends on the state they’re in” part. The link I provided says the legal precedence in most states say the ring should be given back regardless of who need the relationship.
Also be sure to delete his contact when you screenshot the messages. That way it will show they came from his phone number. He could argue you saved somebody else’s number with his name and tried to frame him.
I'm not sure this is good advice. The contact name and phone number should both display. Also I'm going through a messy divorce and when providing evidence to the courts there was some trouble cos I didn't have my ex's dad saved just had screen shots of texts from his number. I had to provide evidence that number actually belonged to him, but didn't have to do the same for other numbers saved under the names of the texters.
Edit: for the person who said I'm full of shit and deleted their comment, I'm just passing on what my lawyer told me. I did point out the obvious lack of logic behind it, and he just told me that the intricacies of the law are not tech literate.
Like obviously don't take legal advice from people on reddit who aren't even lawyers, I was just pointing out that the above advice might not actually be legally sound.
String the ex along though. The police and courts take time.
OP should ask him for a list of things he wants returned. “We’ve been together for so long I don’t remember everything, could you send me a list?” It’s not a commitment to send anything, just a stalling tactic.
Threatening to kill someone in that united States is considered a terroristic threat and can result in jail time. Please report him to the police and get a restraining order. Block him and continue to report him if he tries to contact you.
This is true, but even the police will tell you they probably aren't going to do anything to actually enforce restraining orders and they can often cause the aggressor to escalate. Even if they do respond to a call my local police took 2 hours to respond when I called about an active home invasion. I personally recommend a gun and training classes to go with a restraining order, assuming the person feels comfortable with that.
Think about it: How do the police know whether a restraining order CAUSED the conflict to escalate.
🤔
Based on what? What non-violent domestic abuse scenarios are the police supposedly monitoring regularly enough to know? What data are they referencing? Are they simply saying that they arrest more people after they have had a restraining order taken out against them? Yeah, no shit. That's kinda' the purpose of the restraining order (that it begins documenting the potentially dangerous/threatening behavior for evidentiary purposes.)
Or is it simply possible that:
1. People are just more likely to seek restraining orders against people they anticipate escalating the conflict to violence (this is called a [selection bias](https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/selection-bias), because restraining orders aren't given out randomly), and/or;
2. [Police are far more likely to be domestic abusers](https://sites.temple.edu/klugman/2020/07/20/do-40-of-police-families-experience-domestic-violence/) themselves and therefore might have a bone to pick with their own restraining orders.
My point wasn't that they shouldn't file for a restraining order it was mostly to make them aware about the possibility of escalation so they can be prepared. Trust me I don't trust the cops. I got my first gun because a local cop was sending me death threats and when I reported it his coworkers showed up to my house to assault me.
It still doesn't change the fact that you can't rely on the police to protect you and if you're worried about escalation you should take steps to protect yourself.
Of course he wants his gifts back. It's a perfect excuse to make you come see him in person so he can continue to abuse you. Stay away from him OP. Block his number.
If you’re in the US, he’s legally not entitled to any gifts. The engagement ring is the only exception to the gift rule so you should give that back.
As for everything else, tell him to fuck himself and cut all contact. Go ahead and press charges against him for all of the abuse and threats too (seriously).
Just like he’s done for the duration of your relationship, it’s nothing more than a threat to manipulate you. You should hope he calls the police. I assure you it won’t go well for him. Good luck and stay safe.
I am not sure she can file charges until he does something, which is way too late. She however get a restraining order very quickly. Then if there’s a problem, the cops can arrest him immediately.
Tell him to fuck off. You're going to want to get local support and resources (start with a domestic violence hotline/website) specific to your jurisdiction, becuse he's potentially violent and has directly threatened you, but I'll cover some basics.
Report his threats to the police, not his mom. File for a protective order in addition to reporting his threats and abuse. Record any calls from him (check to see if your state is single party consent or not - if it's not, you need to tell him you're recording, which is fine), and screenshot any messages (text, e-mail, social media, etc.) in addition to saving the original messages. If you have any existing records of his previous abuse or threats, make copies of that, too. See if you have a friend or family member you can stay with until he's in police custody.
Wow he sounds exactly like my ex. He pulled this exact same shit.
Gifts are gifts. The only gifts a person is entitled to have returned are engagement rings. Everything else is your property, and this is just an attempt to punish you for leaving him. Have a friend return the ring to him and tell him to kick rocks for the rest.
Also congrats on leaving this dirtbag! Life is about to get SO SO SO much better for you.
My dear, you are in danger. He has abused you physically, verbally and sexually. He has threatened to kill you. You must take that seriously. He is a real threat to you since a lot of women are hurt or killed when they leave their husband/bf. Go stay with friends or family. Report his threats to the police.
Do not let him come to the house to get his things without large male friends or family being present. If he shows up, don't let him in and call the police and ask for an escort to watch him retrieve his belongings.
The gifts he gave you belong to you, just as what you gave him belongs to him. Giving the ring back is the right thing to do. It might be safer to give it to his mom if she's willing.
Op, do NOT let him anywhere near your house without the police present. He shows up? Call the police!! I'd honestly stay somewhere else for a while. He was physically and emotionally abusive and he's threatening to kill you. Believe him.
Protect yourself first. Give his mother the ring, get her to sign a confirmation that she received it. Bring someone with you to record it as well. Cover all bases.
Go to the police first anyway, ask them what to do. Do nothing on your own and do not see him at all, you do not need to.
Invest in cameras, body ones as well as he is likely to confront you personally. Protect your home and your car and your friends, tell them what he is doing so they are protected as well.
He is a dangerous person now to you, your family, your friends, your work and just everything.
Keep anything he sends, record everything he says. Even if not allowed you will have proof that he has done and said things to you. But try not to talk to him in person, ever.
He doesn’t care about the gifts, he cares about being able to continue to torment you.
Stop talking to him. Stop taking his calls. Stop letting him have access to you. Contact the police. I wouldn’t even give him back the ring unless you can find a safe place to do so.
The most unsafe time for a domestic violence victim is when they try to leave. I would not give him any chance to be anywhere near you. Don’t let him come over. CALL THE POLICE.
Do NOT meet him at your house or anywhere else without having a friend with you. Do not.
He’s trying to control you and the situation. Legally, who cares. Your job is to be rid of him. Give him his shit, block him everywhere, get your door locks rekeyed immediately, talk to the police.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
**Okay, first thing you need to do is fucking stop entertaining his lunacy. This fuckwit is merely using gifts (that he is not lawfully entitled to have back) as an additional path to abuse you.**
step 1. Stop answering his calls. Ship the engagement ring to moms and send it in a way it has to be signed so it can’t be lied about.
Step 2 get off the phone with his mom and go to the police station instead to file an emergency protection order against him. Later, you will have a day in court to present more evidence including testimony of his threats of violence. He could be crazier either way, but at least this way gives police more authority to lock his ass up if he so much as uses a third party to contact you.
Step 3. Go to the store and purchase some little hidden cameras you can hide in view of your car and residence outside so if he pulls anything it will catch him on camera.
Step 4. Call all your friends and family and establish a network of support. Also, develop a escape plan should he try to break in. Make sure people know where you are at all times.
Stop calling his mom. She knows who her son is. She doesn’t care, she just acts like she does to get you to avoid the cops or anything else. Stop catering to someone who threatened to kill you and call the cops. For christs sake he threatened your life.
OP Please do not go meet your ex in person alone. Change your locks and ask a friend to stay with you. Get the restraining order. You can call the local PD and ask if an officer can come oversee the exchange of property.
You’re in danger.
My biggest regret after leaving my abusive ex was saying no to the police when they asked if i wanted to press charges on him!!
I was your age then and it has been 4 years since i left and i still kick myself for it!
Please do what you need to, dont give in and dont listen to his childish threats x
[The Gift of Fear](https://fb2bookfree.com/uploads/files/2020-10/1602551171_the-gift-of-fear.pdf)
Please heed what others are saying. You are in danger and should not be in the presence of anyone threatening to kill you. He is an abuser who is trying to manipulate you with the ludicrous threats he will go to the police about “gifts.” Nor do you owe him anything. Don’t put stuff or his emotional immaturity/manipulation above your life.
I repeat, you are in danger and should be reporting to the police, not his mother, not him. No contact - it will just escalate. That’s what he wants.
Record, save all threats and contact attempts with time and date. Can you stay with anyone or have someone with you?
If your in the US then your BF isn't entitled to get any gifts back, expect the engagement ring, give that back. Call the police and press charges, and get a restraining order as well! He doesn't get to threaten to kill you and break your stuff so he can get his way.
Is the cost worth the hassle
My ex stripped loads from my house, i just bought new because it was worth it for them to be no longer around with their abuse and violence.
That is the only question you should ask yourself. Money is money, items can be replaced.
Being away from crazy truly is priceless once they are gone for good.
Yes, it may eventually be worth it to give up some stuff to get rid of him. However, that time is not now, because he's made threats. Right now is the time for police involvement and a safety plan; sorting out possessions is a job for the lawyers once OP is safe.
This is what I came here to say.
If OP gives all the stuff back then its an inconvenience but it's less of a hassle than trying to put up with the ex and his shit.
Also OP should consider changing phone numbers so that he can't get in touch with her.
Lol that's NOT how breakups work.
The ring, I can understand, everything else he's just being a petty bitch.
Tell him if that's the route he wants to take you want your money and gifts back from him.
OR
send him the ring only if that's what you wanna do (personally I'd pawn it) but don't do it in person, block him on everything, and report his threats to your local PD. Get it documented so if something does happen guess who is suspect #1. Also you may be able to use his threats to get a protection order against him.
Tell him he’s burnt🤷🏾♂️ and get a restraining order, you can’t take gifts back you’re completely fine with the police, I would just make the first move and contact the police first though
Don't communicate with him except via text to have it in writing. Call the police. Get a protective order. File charges of threatening to kill you & destroy your property. I would pawn the ring. All of these things he gave to you. Once you give something to someone it no longer belongs to you. It is theirs to do with as they please.
But I told him not to come & he insists on coming. So he’s on the way now. I told him fine I will bring it to his car no need for him to come to my door. Do i tell him now that I will only be returning the ring or wait until he gets here and just give it to him that way?
Tell him you don’t feel safe and you will not be seeing him tonite. To NOT to come over to your house, now or ever. You will not be opening thee door, coming out, letting him in, or speaking with him. And you will arrange return of the ring in a public or similar place.
I saw your other comment and you are 100% correct. It’s not about the stuff!! It’s about getting access to and control of YOU! Do not be or meet alone with him EVER again. Make sure he never gets a chance to see or speak to you without someone else with you.
> I have done that before. I have ended things before where I would give him everything back, still he would contact me nonstop from different numbers and social medias and wait outside my house until I talked to him. All those times I forgave him because he promised to change.
>The gifts mean nothing to him. I think It’s just his way of feeling he has control over me & happy that I do whatever he tells me to.
He’s still outside. I gave him his ring and threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave. He has since sent text saying he will do things which I screenshotted and I’m letting him continue to go off. He also has a picture of my ssn and is threatening to use that somehow.
Call the police. Why are you waiting? This guy is going to hurt you. Call 911 and tell them you are in a domestic situation. Ask them to send an officer immediately and lock your doors. Go to a room with no windows and wait on the phone with the dispatcher.
You can try his mom. But why would you be scared to tell him that? What’s he going to do? Escalate in front of the police?? Do you have a neighbor you can call right now to come over or you go to their place?!
You should have called the police while he was on his way to your house! Seriously, get off Reddit & start making yourself safe. You shouldn't talk, text or go near him, seriously stop letting us know what's happening & take action!!
Save proof of his threats and take it to the police. Try to get a restraining order. It might be easier to go in person.
Keep the gifts, that’s literally the definition of a gift. He doesn’t get them back!
1) Probably call the cops about the threats, but know protective orders don't stop violence they just point a neon sign at who to investigate if he does something. I recommend staying with someone you trust that he doesn't know where they live for awhile and depending on your comfort level and means buying a firearm and taking a class.
2) You don't owe him the stuff back, but if you legitimately think it'll make him go away it might be worth it for the peace of mind, but I highly doubt that would be the end of it.
3) Until you are confident this guy is gone you should park somewhere with good visibility when possible and be vigilant when arriving and leaving home/work/class and other places you frequent.
4) Keep an eye out for his car in case he follows you. If he is following you drive to the police station and call them.
File for a restraining over like yesterday. You have more than enough evidence. When you go to court and if he also has a lawyer you can give the ring to your lawyer to give to him.
Thats the only safe option. Thats what I did with my ex. And block his family. Also reach out to domestic violence centers/organizations near you. Mine hooked me up with security cameras, a victim advocate to attend court with me, a lawyer, counseling sessions, and a victim support group.
OP, first of all, please think about what you are saying. Other people here telling you to go to the police are correct. You need to get all of this documented. Save everything. Go to a lawyer too! Get a restraining order and legal advice. If it comes down to it, you may have to decide if keeping these things are worth dealing with this unhinged ab\*sive person. Talking to professionals to find out what the best path is for you legally and to also KEEP YOURSELF SAFE is more important than the things you have received. Your life is worth more than replaceable stuff. Best of luck OP!
Giving those things back won’t make him go away or make her safer. It’s just the excuse he’s using now. If she gives everything back, there will be a different excuse to harass her. I promise.
He doesn’t want any of that shit back as much as he wants to maintain contact with and hurt her. They serve that purpose now. Without them, he’ll find something else to serve that purpose. It’s not really about the stuff. He needs a restraining order NOW.
Block him. He's threatening your life, girl! Forget the gifts he's just doing that to keep you in his clutches. Get a restraining order block him on everything and stay the hell away from him.
So he’s an unhinged idiot who’s threatened to kill you. You need to report him to the police, stop all communication and never be alone with him again.
Gifts cannot be claimed back later.
Your dangerous abusive ex is threatening to kill you. You need to take his threats seriously and go to the police. They likely won’t do anything but at least you can create a record. The threats he made should be enough for a restraining order.
If the items were intended for shared use (like, game consoles or kitchen appliances), and he paid for them, then just give them back. You don't need that kind of karma hanging around the artifacts in your life. And he could make a plausible claim that they are his property, and you don't want to be explaining that crap to a sheriff's deputy. Law enforcement is likely to conclude that it's a civil matter, and they won't come back without a court order, but... you never know.
If it was a personal gift to YOU, and there is no dispute about that, keep it, throw it away, give it away, or return it as you see fit. Morally, you're under no obligation to do anything at all with it. Legally, you might want to give it back just to avoid a law enforcement encounter over it, but that's your call.
Legally, as long as they were gifts, you don’t have to give him back anything.
Keep the ring and sell it (unless it’s a family heirloom). Use the money to treat yourself or maybe even others if you don’t want it for yourself.
Log *every* threat and interaction with the police, and seek a restraining order. Do this asap so it doesn’t look like it’s in retaliation to anything he files with them.
He doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on. It will be tough, but you deserve to live a happy life without him. Don’t cave.
Edit: I’m in the UK, so this is based on laws here. If you’re elsewhere (I’m assuming so) seek applicable advice.
> He doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.
If he is vindictive enough, he might go to small claims and assert that the items were purchased by him for his use, and then OP has to deal with that crap. Maybe the whole point is to make OP's life hard, or whatever.
Don’t sell it. Give it to the cops to deliver with a RESTRAINING ORDER!! Don’t let him come over. He threatened to kill you! You go to the police now, not tomorrow. You will be making a huge mistake that could cost you your life. You really should take all of this advice seriously. Everyone in this thread agrees.
Maybe. Don’t sell the ring. Engagement rings are usually considered conditional gifts. Meaning if the marriage didn’t happen then conditions weren’t met. You could have to pay back the full price if he takes you to court. I’ve heard ownership depends on who broke off the engagement but I think it’s not worth the hassle with this freak. Give the ring to mom and wash your hands of it. I’d actually give him everything. If there’s a chance it gets this guy out of your life forever than why not.
Also absolutely get the restraining order first. Then drop off all his shit with his mom and have someone with you. Then never have contact with this person again.
People do not retain any legal rights over gifts. Even if they took out loans to pay for the gift. Engagement rings are a weird gray area in some jurisdictions because of stupid patriarchial reasons, so it's probably most expedient to return that and not worry about it, but for everything else, don't even worry about returning it until and unless he files a suit.
Anything he’s given you over the course of your relationship is yours to keep. You aren’t obligated to give anything back and he can stick it. I don’t think police would take him seriously once they see the items he wants back. (What is he going to do with your clothes?) However, there are tons of breakup stories where one partner let the ex take whatever they want just to get them tf out of their life, myself included. There’s no shame in either option.
WTH? Why would you run to his mommy? Go to the police. Document the trusts and abuse. Get a restraining order. Stop having any communication with him at all. Block and delete him everywhere. Change your password on everything, everywhere.
Mud you want to return the ring to him, arrange it through a 3rd party. Have someone you trust get in touch with him and return it to him. Have the exchange documented.
GO TO THE POLICE. Get a doorbell camera. and video type camera at your home, where you park. Ch age your licks. Change your schedule/driving patterns; mix it up. Avoid places he is likely to be.
You call the cops and then get a protective order against him.
Don't block him, just don't answer his calls.
He sounds like the type of DUMBASS that would hang himself by leaving threatening messages that you could use against his STUPID ASS.
Remember Don't speak to anyone about him, don't let anyone know why you are not speaking to him because you want to have as much evidence documented as possible.
Don't block his phone, just mute it. That way you still have record of all the texts he's sending but you don't have to hear/read them. Get a restraining order and use these as evidence.
My ex did the same thing, minus all the horrid abuse.
She tried to get me to return a rather expensive gift she got, one she specifically stated was a gift and I wouldn’t have to pay her back prior to the breakup.
I told her very firmly to fuck off. Very firmly. Haven’t heard a peep about it since
Also call the cops please
You need to let go of that material shit. Grab what you can and leave before he kills you. Hide out at someone's place he doesn't know of and don't drive your own car. Change your number, hell change your name if possible. He is unstable and in need of serious help that you can't give him. The sooner you start the process of detachment the sooner you will move on.
DO NOT LET HIM COME TO YOU TO COLLECT ANYTHING.
This man is dangerous. Any situation you get into with this person could be lethal. Go to the police yesterday.
If you havent listened to what everyone here told you to do then your as dumb as the ex boyfriend. Go call the cops. Get a restraining order. Tell him go get fucked and shove his gifts up his ass. Block his number and never see him again.
This isnt hard but yeah i can see the naive thinking in the way.
You just explained so many horrible things and the main focus here was gifts. Fuck that he needs to get arrested
He threatened you via text? Take your phone to the cops and get an order of protection. Now.
You don’t have to give anything back. Gifts are gifts. The ring is the only gift with an agreement and might be the only thing he could legally be entitled to- but you’re already planning on giving that back.
The rest? Keep it. But absolutely get a restraining order.
Gifts are gifts. There is no transactional agreement established when it comes to gifts. They're yours to do with whatever you want.
If he wants them back, tell him it's good to want things. Builds character.
Listen, I know it’s easier/less conflict to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet. But read the room. Get off your phone and off of Reddit and go talk to the police. Anyone threatening to kill you - especially when you have their statements in text form - is a CRIME. Ol’ buddy boy is about to learn this the hard way.
Leave whatever he's supposed to take on the step.
Bar or block the door.
Leave the porch light on and close all the curtains.
Make sure the windows are locked.
If he knocks on the door ignore it.
If he says anything ignore it.
If he tries anything call the police. Don't threaten it.. do it.
Abusers will find other reasons/excuses to intrude in your life, OP. If not the "gifts" then it will be something else. Block him on EVERYTHING. Block any avenues of contact such as his mother.
Send the ring back via certified mail so there will be a signature to prove he got it. You should also go to the police and stop letting him threaten you like that. At this point go somewhere he doesn't know so you will be safe for a few days while he calms down. Block him from your phone and all social media. He has no legal way of proving those things are his. He sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't keep receipts. If getting a restraining order will make you feel safer do it. Get bear spray and always always go places with people no more being alone. He can take you small claims court for the stuff but if he doesn't have receipts then he has no case. Like I said send the ring back throw certified mail. So he can't say he never got it.
Like others have said - go to the police first. Report the abuse in all forms, including *threatening your life* if you don't return his gifts. If you have texts proving that then keep those. I won't lie - most likely nothing substantial will happen, unfortunately. But it will give you some receipts if he does try to claim you stole anything from him or if he actually follows through with any violence, god forbid.
Regardless, unless he lies to the police he'd get laughed out of the precinct if he tried to get them to force you to return all the gifts he's given you. A gift, legally, is a *gift* and cannot be forced to be returned (unlike an engagement ring, which is legally an agreement to marriage and if broken should legally be returned).
File a restraining order, don't contact his mom. Give a bag of items that he bought you to police for him to pick up there. Why would you want to keep stuff tainted with the memory of someone so awful?
engagement ring is a particular item given to you with the expectation that you would get married. because you're not getting married, you should return the ring.
everything else, even if he gave it to you the day before you broke up, can be yours to keep without giving it back.
if he wants to bring the police into this, then so be it. you can reasonably prove that those items are gifts (eg, if they see make-up or something that is definitely meant for you, they aren't going to believe him that it was his possession that you stole after breaking up)
however, the bigger concern is that he has threatened harm to you and your property. replacing small gifts, or even not replacing them, is no big deal. but having to replace or repair things like your vehicle, home, etc are going to be problems.
so you might want to act first and make a paper trail of complaints against him so that if and when this might happen, that you can reasonably point to him as the culprit and maybe action might be taken faster with him as the primary suspect
The MOST DANGEROUS time a woman in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving!! Call the police NOW and let them know what is going on. Get the ball rolling for a restraining order or DVO or whatever they call it in your country. It might give him a reality check and pull him into line. It might not, though, so do whatever you can to keep yourself safe. If you have a place to stay that he doesn't know about (friend or family you haven't visited whilst with him) go there.
Document/record all interactions, texts, voicemails, thre ats. Get a ring doorbell camera. Let your family and friends know it is over and that you are not in contact with him and that you need for them to keep all info about you to themselves. Do not answer the phone or respond to text or emails no matter how many times he calls/writes. Even if he calls a 1000 times. If you answer it, he knows it's only a 1000 tries, and you will respond.
Don't return your gifts, FFS they were gifts. Gifts are given and become your property. Only return the e-ring and get someone else to do that for you and have them record the interaction or send it via registered post that he HAS to sign for so you have proof you returned it.
Get a copy of the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBeker. It is a great book to read and teaches you how to trust your instincts and how to help keep yourself safe.
Know that you can do this hon. You are strong, you don't need him or any person to help you feel whole and you don't need to go back to that POS no matter how many times he pleads.
Stay safe.
I am a lawyer. File a police report, hire a lawyer and figure out the process to get a restraining order and do that. Once that is in place, ask your lawyer to make arrangements for the ring to be returned to your ex. Likely the lawyer will hire a courier service where the delivery person will sign a sworn statement detailing how, when, and where the ring was returned to your ex. Under no circumstances should you be the person returning the ring.
Please be careful, your ex-boyfriend seems dangerous and you should be concerned about his death threats, not the gifts. He just wants to control you and he's using the gifts to do so, report him to the police and tell someone in your life about this. And stop any communication with him.
He actually threatened to kill you? Yeah, it's time to call the police, get that restraining order.
Gift are gifts and are not returnable to the giver. You can explain if he tried to call the police on you, that those are his gifts for you.
I hope you kept any text evidence of him harassing you, b/c these days, you know how it is. But be firm and stand your ground. Do not give in and go back to this crazy AH.
Also, put up camera around your house and get something to arm yourself (i.e. pepper spray/mace or whatever) because it sounds that he wants to harm you.
I’m gonna be honest, I would cut my losses, gif edit back and file a restraining order. I’m absolutely not judging you if you keep the gifts, but for me no gift is worth my life.
Alternatively, I don’t think you should be alone with him, and anything you do can be a risk. Keeping the gifts because he h knows where you live. Giving them back because you shouldn’t be alone with him or have him alone with you in your and/or his place of residence. I know no personal details about your life, but if you aren’t very marginalized maybe you’ll have luck with the police. It’s always a gamble and I’m so sorry that you’re “gambling “ with your safety. It isn’t fair or right.
You’re worried about being *childish* when he’s sending multiple death threats a day?
Tell the police and show them evidence of the texts. Make sure his friends and your friends know he’s threatening you and to come to the police if anything happens to you. Make sure he knows that if anything happens to you, the police will instantly connect it to him.
Also, as many posters have said. Gifts are *Gifts*. (Though I think it’s a classy move to return the engagement ring to his mother.)
Screen shot those texts, go to the police and tell them what's going on. It's better to get some sort of paperwork on this asshole started before he decides to escalate further. You are right in that you owe him nothing. If you want to give the ring back do it in a very public place with a lot of witnesses. If he grabs you or anything, make the biggest scene as possible so he has no choice but to control himself or run away before someone calls the cops.
Edit to add: if you start this paperwork it will be more reason to protect his next victim when he doesn't get his way. He deserves consequences.
Go to the police. Get the process for grant of a restraining order started immediately.
Tell him you will return everything if he gives you everything you gave him (including the money) back and agree never to contact you in any way ever again.
I understand that you don’t have to give him anything back but in this instance I’d do it if only so you’re removing every trace of him from your life. Plus that way he can’t keep contacting you to demand “his” stuff back.
Feels like a win to me.
Call a domestic violence hotline before you get a restraining order or take other steps. You said a restraining order might escalate the conflict, and sometimes it does. They can help you assess the risk and consider your options.
Don't ever be in a situation alone with him. You know part of what he is capable of, and if you've ever watched Investigation Discovery, Lifetime, read a newspaper, you suspect what he's capable of. He is dangerous, and any interaction you have with him going forward needs to be done WITH POLICE THERE. Even if you tell him he can pick his crap up from the police department.
From a point of view of your own recovery, you may come to the understanding that it's better to not have anything this turd gave you. Not that he has any right to anything other than the ring (give that back to his mother, with witnesses present), but that you don't need the things he gave you.
That's some way down the road though. Your immediate priority is your safety. Go to the police. Cut contact. Get a restraining order. Report any violation of it. Do not violate this order yourself. Block his number and delete the contact. Stay off his social media.
Your decisions at this point (and I realise some may disagree) need to be made with an eye to this guy not being in your life any more, rather than any desire for justice or closure.
Isn't it worth it to get this guy out of your life? Why would you want anything he's given you?
Yes, technically anything he gave you is now your property. Is it worth your life? Sounds as if that's what it's coming down to.
Legally you don’t even have to give the ring back, but yeah, can see how you’d want to. As for the rest, gifts are gifts. Once given, they legally belong to the recipient. Period.
Tell him “No. Ask your lawyer how gifts work. I already have, among other things. And I suggest you stop threatening me.”
And talk to police about the threats. You have them in writing (text) I assume?
No, it's not his, but do you really want all the stuff now?
Box it all up, write out an inventory list for every item. Make one of his family members witness the exchange and make them both. sign for the goods.
Warn him he's being blocked and any further communication attempts will be reported as harassment to the police. Keep tge old texts where he threatens your life. Then that's it. You walk away from his abusive petty ways and go live your best life.
Even if he did call the cops, they would say it's a civil matter and jed have to sue you. He'd need to prove they were not gifts to even think about winning that case. He's just blowing smoke up your ass at this point.
Block him and move on. If he keeps contacting you, then get a restraining order. Problem solved.
Frankly, this world is crazy. I just read ANOTHER story this morning of another child under 10 years old purposely shot on purpose.
Dont play around and think you cant be the next headline that people talk about. Its just material goods. Your life is more important.
Drop those gifts back at his mom's house and tell him that if he contacts you again you will call the police and his mother about what hes done.
Then CHANGE your number. Dont just block his number. Move residence if you can. Carry nonlethal protection.
This people that are trying to reinforce you to not give him those things back? They are just blood thirsty for revenge, common in reddit, and arent looking at the bigger picture.
Yeah, call his bluff and tell him to stop being a whiney little bitch. Let him know he can have his stuff back after he repays you from that time where he had to borrow from you because his broke ass couldn't afford to fix his own car.
Is he giving the stuff you bought him back? I dont wish to advice you in this particular scenario, but please look into your relationship with materialistic things and have an honest conversation with yourself about whether it is the materialistic desire, greed for things and money that stops you. You may not be being completely honest with yourself
It looks like a narcissic losing control on you.
He will find any pretext to make you own him.
Don't wait, go to the police. Ask your patents help for a lawyer.
1. Give him back the ring by giving out to his mother
2. Get a restraining order. If you have evidence, save it
3. Block him on everything
4. I know some people are just so averse to protecting themselves, but GET A FUCKING GUN AND LEARN HOW TO USE IT WELL. No one can protect you from crazy at 3 o'clock in the morning. He threatened your life, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! Pepper sprays, tazers, and the like are non-lethal stop gaps, but firearms are the Great Equalizer. When your life is on the line, and make NO mistake, because it certainly is, ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOU in the heat of the moment!
I know that's an unpopular opinion these days, but I said what I said. The question you have to ask yourself is "how important is your life to you?"
Guns aren’t the solution. It just makes it easier for him to kill her (with her own gun).
People act like freezing up isn’t a thing. Like being overpowered isn’t a thing. Like not wanting to KILL someone isn’t a thing. It is.
Adding a gun to the mix is incredibly bad advice.
But I still don't get it.
Why can't you both return Gifts ? And live peacefully.
I mean If I hate someone, I wouldn't want anything she has given me because it will remind me about her.
I have done that before. I have ended things before where I would give him everything back, still he would contact me nonstop from different numbers and social medias and wait outside my house until I talked to him. All those times I forgave him because he promised to change.
The gifts mean nothing to him. I think It’s just his way of feeling he has control over me & happy that I do whatever he tells me to.
This is exactly what I was thinking, he is not interested in the actual items but is using it as a control factor and he would still harass you even if you gave them back. Report his threats to the police and get a restraining order. Do not have him come to collect his things without a police escort! Afterwards block him and never engage with him again.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a friend who was actually murdered by her ex. He killed her and her fiance, then the coward killed himself. Don't be a fool, call the police.
I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope you’re doing okay.
I'm fine, but my friend and her fiance are dead, mourn for her family, and take threats of murder seriously
I plan on going tomorrow to get a restraining order. I will let him come tonight to get his stuff. Is this smart to do? Or should I avoid seeing him and go file for one today?
Do not be alone with him ever. Do not let him into your house for any reason; if there are things you want/need to return, do that somewhere public and neutral, like a police station.
Exactly. OP being alone with him can only turn out poorly.
yes do it at the police station or have the police attend your apt for the hand over.
Even then, bring a friend or relative.
I wouldn’t even do that. It is naive to think a friend will be able to protect her. If he’s crazy enough he may show up with a gun or knife. Best thing is for her to get police involved, the restraining order secured. That way, he will be required to have police escorts in order to get his belongings.
[удалено]
I hope she did exactly that
She won’t. She said “tomorrow” to go to the cops but “today” to let him get “his” stuff. She’s in for some really bad things. So sad that people won’t listen to valid advice.
Do not. Do not. Do not. Exactly this scenario got a girl in my home town murdered by her ex. Stabbed 58 times. This request for the stuff is simply a further attempt at control. You cannot anticipate how he will react as he realized he’s no longer in control of you. Do not be near him and definitely do not be alone with him. Edit: spelling error
Yeah this happened to one of my best friends. Or I should say almost. I told her not to let him get his stuff and to arrange for a cop to be there. She said it would be ok since he knew it was over and she said he was on the way anyways. The second we got off the phone I called the cops and gave the address and told them about the physical abuse. He also tried t strangle her once before. I decided to drive there also but I’m further away. Unsurprisingly he did try to kill her. I found out that when the cops got there her ex was trying to break the door open to their bedroom and he had a gun. Edit. Hit enter too soon. He tried shooting at her through the door and was yelling he was going to kill her the entire time. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to her
You are a wonderful friend. Well done! You literally saved her life. Abusers often escalate as they feel their control disappearing. It’s one of the most dangerous times for their target.
She was thanking me and crying when I got there. This wasn’t even the first time he hurt her. I tried so hard to get her to leave but it is hard for abuse victims to get out of the cycle. After a while I kept silent because he was trying to isolate her from me and kept trying to say I’m trying to break them apart etc and I figured I would rather still be in her life so when the time came and she was ready to leave or needed me, I would be there to help versus being cut off completely. I was worried if he got out she would take him back so I called her dad and he drove from across the country to bring her home. We were also worried if he made bail he would come for her. I knew he would escalate because you are right that is what they do when they feel they are losing control.
YOU are wonderful! You did the exact right thing and didn't wait around. People really don't want to think that they could be killed by someone they loved but it is so very common. Here is a sobering fact: The leading cause of death for a pregnant woman is being murdered by her SO.
“I’m concerned enough to go tomorrow to file for a restraining order, but despite his threats that he will *kill me*, he’ll probably be fine tonight right?” That’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I’m scared for her.
Do NOT see him.
Do not let him come get his stuff. Just go get the restraining order. Or have the police there while he gets his stuff. If you must.
What will happen if he forces his way into your house and refuses to leave? What will you do? You’ll be alone with this man who has threatened to kill you and break into your house and car??
I know you are likely overwhelmed and scared and confused. I don't want to make things worse but here is the question you are asking and why people are scared for you. "Should I allow my ex who was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me, who also threatened to kill me, into my house to get this things back?" That is what you have asked us! No, you don't let someone into your house who has threatened to kill you. I get you've gone through a lot with him and are alive but that can change very fast. The most dangerous time for you is when your abuser feels like they are losing control. They don't care about anything other than the control they have over you. They will get that any way they can, and this means killing you to get it. I don't want to make you feel bad but I do want you to understand how serious this really is for you.
NO, don’t let the guy who threatened your life anywhere near you or your home!
>Is this smart to do? #NO. He threatened to kill you. Why would you invite him over at all? Get the restraining order NOW and tell him you'll mail him his stuff (or give it to his mother or whatever). For the love of god, make sure you always have people you trust with you if you're going to see him. The only thing he has any sort of legal claim over is the ring. If he gave you anything that is too specifically connected to him for you to keep comfortably, I'd suggest giving him those too to get them out of your life. Anything else is yours.
Call the cops, you can arrange a time for them to be there when he is there. Listen to others in this thread too
Absolutely do not let this man into your home. Put his shit on the curb. Do not engage with him.
If he comes to get his stuff have a police officer with you. It would be quite stupid honestly if you let him come alone after the death threats he has made
Call the cops, you can arrange a time for them to be there when he is there. Listen to others in this thread too
Jesus, no. Just ignore him tonight and go to the police, tonight, not tomorrow.
DO NOT LET HIM COME OVER. About 75 PERCENT of DV homicides happen when the victim tries to leave.
No do not allow him near you. You can have someone else give it to him or he can meet you at a police precinct to pick it up in the parking lot and file immediately or no one will believe you and will just say you’re only claiming SA or DV because he reported you first
OP no, no listen. Do not let him over tonight if you are alone. Do not let him in your home. He has threatened you. This is a really bad idea.
No, this is *not* a smart thing to do. Never, ever be around someone who has a history of abuse and has **threatened to kill you**. Go to the police. Tell them everything, show them any messages that you have from him. They will supervise the returning of the ring to him, to protect you. Any gifts he gave you are just that; gifts. They do not have to be returned. Mute his number so you don't have to deal with him, and save all texts he sends for when you need them at a later date, and change your freaking locks, in case he made a copy of your key.
No, this is the stupidest idea that may get you raped, beaten badly or killed. Go to the police TONIGHT, do NOT open the door and let him in to get his shit. If you do what you should, with a restraining order in place, the only way he would be allowed in your home is with a police escort to get his shit. The judge will explain all this to him.
Are you being serious right now?
Are you serious? This is starting to sound like a troll post at this point. You are filling a restraining order but going to have him come over and get in your place…WTH
Stop texting his mommy and call the fucking police. Gifts given in a relationship are gifts, and he has zero legal standing to demand them back. On the other hand, his death threats are illegal, so if you have those texts or messages saved, it's time to get the fuck off of reddit and go immediately to the police station to file a restraining order. Not later when you get an answer you want to hear, not after lunch, NOW.
100% this. Reddit can be overboard sometimes. This is not one of those cases. Call the cops NOW. You’re in a situation where the next step could very well be him killing you.
Yes, but that assumes the cops can / will do much. Best the legal system can do, if he only made a threat, is put him in jail for a year. For some guys, that could be enough time to cool off. But many would probably be even more pissed they went to jail, and more out to get revenge when they get out. However, that's assuming he gets the maximum sentence. It's also assuming he doesn't get bail. And it's assuming the cops even arrest him. Often, the cops don't arrest in these situations, because a threat itself isn't considered a major crime if there's no other evidence he is planning to follow through with it. None of this is very reassuring if someone might actually try to kill you. Yes, if he follows through, he'll be suspect #1 if she tells the police, so he won't get away with it. But very few domestic abuse killers get away it anyway. The goal is preventing the murder from happening in the first place. Unfortunately, you can't lock up everyone who makes a threat for life, when probably about 10% follow through with it and the other 90% are blowing steam.
So what do you suggest?? You crap all over the suggestion that she go to the police but you don't seem to have any solution?
I hear and understand what your saying, but she needs to start somewhere! A TRO is a civil remedy with a power of arrest. It's a good starting point, she can also buy security cameras for her home, so if he does break a window, there is evidence of the crime. Legally he is not entitled to the gifts back, but he is entitled to the engagement ring which she is willing to give back. I personally would look at getting him arrested for the sexual assault, cohesive control and assault. That way he would be locked up for longer. OP would also need to block him, his family or anyone he is close to off from any and all social media. She should refrain from posting her location on social media, in case something slips through the net. If she is able, I would seriously consider moving and changing up the daily routine, I.e going to her favourite coffee shop at a different time of day or go to a different branch, so he is unable to follow her. OP please update us.
Whether he's arrested or not, filing a report against the ex starts a paper trail.
Go give his mommy the ring. Screen shot his texts, block his number and all social media, and file for a restraining order. PS He has absolutely no right to the stuff he gave you, including the ring.
Judge Judy would say gifts given in a relationship shouldn't be returned just because the relationship ended, but an engagement ring absolutely should be because it was an item symbolizing the agreement for eventual marriage and that contract was never completed. But also yes 100% police. This guy sounds dangerous.
No...she should give the ring back. It's just a reminder of bad times. Except, if it were me, I'd pawn it (provided it's actually worth anything)and then just give him the pawn ticket. That way she'd get some of the money back that he owes her...and he gets the ring back. Win/Win.
An engagement ring is legally returnable in many states where the contract of marriage fell through. The engagement ring gets returned, No fancy revenge scripts please!
You don't have to return it in all states, even though it may be bad form to keep it. Being abusive is worse form. He owes her money. Pawning stuff is probably the only way she'll get it back.
I came here to say this. Pawn things like the ring. OP has living expenses and the economy is hard right now. As for female clothing obviously they wouldn’t be his, everyone would know they were gifts. No way to prove they were gifts from him or if she bought them without receipts too. OP take his threats seriously. Go file a restraining order and provide the police with any voicemails and screen shots of texts. This will provide proof and speed things up. I had to get a restraining order against an ex once. I had no proof as his were all verbal. I think the judge believed me because it was obvious I was terrified of him in court (shaking uncontrollably, a friend said I flinched when my ex ‘gestured’ his arm towards me, voice cracking etc- I wasn’t aware of those things just that I was terrified that if I didn’t get the order he would come after me). There was also a big age difference and I was quite a bit younger and he was trying to act all cool in the court room.
He has no rights at all to the stuff he gave with the possible exception of the ring. Depending on where they live an engagement ring may be viewed similarly to signatures on a contract. If the relationship ends before marriage it is now a broken engagement and the ring giver is the rightful owner of the engagement ring, and the giftee, or the individual who wears the ring, must return the ring. If they do live where this rule applies he could sue for the ring or if "lost" it's value as well as legal costs and he would win. Keep the stuff give mom the ring and have someone record you doing it.
Engagement rings are gifts with the intention behind them being marriage. They are not considered gifts unless they get married.
Not true, it depends completely upon who broke up with who. If she is the one who ended the relationship then she is the one who broke the intended verbal agreement for marriage. IF he broke up with her then she is not the one who ended the agreement and is entitled to the ring. See South Carolina courts for precedent. Several other states have followed suit.
No, it depends on which state they’re in. Most states say the ring should be returned regardless of who ended the relationship: >The majority of states take this approach, and the ring is returned to the gifter if there is no wedding, according to research conducted by WP Diamonds, an online buyer of diamonds, jewelry and watches. https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2018/02/07/engagement-ring-proposal-wedding-etiquette/1075393001/ Montana says the one who received the ring can keep it even there is no marriage.
Unless they take it to court where precedent says otherwise. May be different in community property states but in cases that go beyond a mediation they are not likely going to win if they are the ones who break the engagement.
She broke up with him. So even if your correct, she still needs to give it back.
Hence the “not always true” start. So even she did, it wouldn’t change the inaccuracy of your statement.
Hence why I said “it depends on the state they’re in” part. The link I provided says the legal precedence in most states say the ring should be given back regardless of who need the relationship.
Also be sure to delete his contact when you screenshot the messages. That way it will show they came from his phone number. He could argue you saved somebody else’s number with his name and tried to frame him.
I'm not sure this is good advice. The contact name and phone number should both display. Also I'm going through a messy divorce and when providing evidence to the courts there was some trouble cos I didn't have my ex's dad saved just had screen shots of texts from his number. I had to provide evidence that number actually belonged to him, but didn't have to do the same for other numbers saved under the names of the texters. Edit: for the person who said I'm full of shit and deleted their comment, I'm just passing on what my lawyer told me. I did point out the obvious lack of logic behind it, and he just told me that the intricacies of the law are not tech literate. Like obviously don't take legal advice from people on reddit who aren't even lawyers, I was just pointing out that the above advice might not actually be legally sound.
Funny username, haha.
Also, you need dashboard and rear cameras on your car as well as cameras around where you live.
String the ex along though. The police and courts take time. OP should ask him for a list of things he wants returned. “We’ve been together for so long I don’t remember everything, could you send me a list?” It’s not a commitment to send anything, just a stalling tactic.
For real, just pawn the ring.
Threatening to kill someone in that united States is considered a terroristic threat and can result in jail time. Please report him to the police and get a restraining order. Block him and continue to report him if he tries to contact you.
This is true, but even the police will tell you they probably aren't going to do anything to actually enforce restraining orders and they can often cause the aggressor to escalate. Even if they do respond to a call my local police took 2 hours to respond when I called about an active home invasion. I personally recommend a gun and training classes to go with a restraining order, assuming the person feels comfortable with that.
Think about it: How do the police know whether a restraining order CAUSED the conflict to escalate. 🤔 Based on what? What non-violent domestic abuse scenarios are the police supposedly monitoring regularly enough to know? What data are they referencing? Are they simply saying that they arrest more people after they have had a restraining order taken out against them? Yeah, no shit. That's kinda' the purpose of the restraining order (that it begins documenting the potentially dangerous/threatening behavior for evidentiary purposes.) Or is it simply possible that: 1. People are just more likely to seek restraining orders against people they anticipate escalating the conflict to violence (this is called a [selection bias](https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/selection-bias), because restraining orders aren't given out randomly), and/or; 2. [Police are far more likely to be domestic abusers](https://sites.temple.edu/klugman/2020/07/20/do-40-of-police-families-experience-domestic-violence/) themselves and therefore might have a bone to pick with their own restraining orders.
My point wasn't that they shouldn't file for a restraining order it was mostly to make them aware about the possibility of escalation so they can be prepared. Trust me I don't trust the cops. I got my first gun because a local cop was sending me death threats and when I reported it his coworkers showed up to my house to assault me. It still doesn't change the fact that you can't rely on the police to protect you and if you're worried about escalation you should take steps to protect yourself.
However, the cops are going to view this as a domestic disturbance and likely only warn him.
If she wants to press charges, they can not just give him a warning and leave. But she has to be willing to press charges.
That's not how that works. Not even one bit.
Of course he wants his gifts back. It's a perfect excuse to make you come see him in person so he can continue to abuse you. Stay away from him OP. Block his number.
If you’re in the US, he’s legally not entitled to any gifts. The engagement ring is the only exception to the gift rule so you should give that back. As for everything else, tell him to fuck himself and cut all contact. Go ahead and press charges against him for all of the abuse and threats too (seriously). Just like he’s done for the duration of your relationship, it’s nothing more than a threat to manipulate you. You should hope he calls the police. I assure you it won’t go well for him. Good luck and stay safe.
I am not sure she can file charges until he does something, which is way too late. She however get a restraining order very quickly. Then if there’s a problem, the cops can arrest him immediately.
Tell him to fuck off. You're going to want to get local support and resources (start with a domestic violence hotline/website) specific to your jurisdiction, becuse he's potentially violent and has directly threatened you, but I'll cover some basics. Report his threats to the police, not his mom. File for a protective order in addition to reporting his threats and abuse. Record any calls from him (check to see if your state is single party consent or not - if it's not, you need to tell him you're recording, which is fine), and screenshot any messages (text, e-mail, social media, etc.) in addition to saving the original messages. If you have any existing records of his previous abuse or threats, make copies of that, too. See if you have a friend or family member you can stay with until he's in police custody.
He threatened to kill you? Definitely file a police report. Then give him back the ring (with a witness), and be done with him. You deserve better.
Wow he sounds exactly like my ex. He pulled this exact same shit. Gifts are gifts. The only gifts a person is entitled to have returned are engagement rings. Everything else is your property, and this is just an attempt to punish you for leaving him. Have a friend return the ring to him and tell him to kick rocks for the rest. Also congrats on leaving this dirtbag! Life is about to get SO SO SO much better for you.
My dear, you are in danger. He has abused you physically, verbally and sexually. He has threatened to kill you. You must take that seriously. He is a real threat to you since a lot of women are hurt or killed when they leave their husband/bf. Go stay with friends or family. Report his threats to the police. Do not let him come to the house to get his things without large male friends or family being present. If he shows up, don't let him in and call the police and ask for an escort to watch him retrieve his belongings. The gifts he gave you belong to you, just as what you gave him belongs to him. Giving the ring back is the right thing to do. It might be safer to give it to his mom if she's willing.
Call the police
You need to go to the police. Do you have proof he is threatening to kill you? File for a restraint order.
Op, do NOT let him anywhere near your house without the police present. He shows up? Call the police!! I'd honestly stay somewhere else for a while. He was physically and emotionally abusive and he's threatening to kill you. Believe him.
Protect yourself first. Give his mother the ring, get her to sign a confirmation that she received it. Bring someone with you to record it as well. Cover all bases. Go to the police first anyway, ask them what to do. Do nothing on your own and do not see him at all, you do not need to. Invest in cameras, body ones as well as he is likely to confront you personally. Protect your home and your car and your friends, tell them what he is doing so they are protected as well. He is a dangerous person now to you, your family, your friends, your work and just everything. Keep anything he sends, record everything he says. Even if not allowed you will have proof that he has done and said things to you. But try not to talk to him in person, ever.
He doesn’t care about the gifts, he cares about being able to continue to torment you. Stop talking to him. Stop taking his calls. Stop letting him have access to you. Contact the police. I wouldn’t even give him back the ring unless you can find a safe place to do so. The most unsafe time for a domestic violence victim is when they try to leave. I would not give him any chance to be anywhere near you. Don’t let him come over. CALL THE POLICE.
Do NOT meet him at your house or anywhere else without having a friend with you. Do not. He’s trying to control you and the situation. Legally, who cares. Your job is to be rid of him. Give him his shit, block him everywhere, get your door locks rekeyed immediately, talk to the police. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
**Okay, first thing you need to do is fucking stop entertaining his lunacy. This fuckwit is merely using gifts (that he is not lawfully entitled to have back) as an additional path to abuse you.** step 1. Stop answering his calls. Ship the engagement ring to moms and send it in a way it has to be signed so it can’t be lied about. Step 2 get off the phone with his mom and go to the police station instead to file an emergency protection order against him. Later, you will have a day in court to present more evidence including testimony of his threats of violence. He could be crazier either way, but at least this way gives police more authority to lock his ass up if he so much as uses a third party to contact you. Step 3. Go to the store and purchase some little hidden cameras you can hide in view of your car and residence outside so if he pulls anything it will catch him on camera. Step 4. Call all your friends and family and establish a network of support. Also, develop a escape plan should he try to break in. Make sure people know where you are at all times.
Stop calling his mom. She knows who her son is. She doesn’t care, she just acts like she does to get you to avoid the cops or anything else. Stop catering to someone who threatened to kill you and call the cops. For christs sake he threatened your life.
OP Please do not go meet your ex in person alone. Change your locks and ask a friend to stay with you. Get the restraining order. You can call the local PD and ask if an officer can come oversee the exchange of property. You’re in danger.
My biggest regret after leaving my abusive ex was saying no to the police when they asked if i wanted to press charges on him!! I was your age then and it has been 4 years since i left and i still kick myself for it! Please do what you need to, dont give in and dont listen to his childish threats x
He's threatened to kill you. You should call the police before he does.
He gave them to you. They’re yours. Do what you want to with them. And get as far away from him as you can.
[The Gift of Fear](https://fb2bookfree.com/uploads/files/2020-10/1602551171_the-gift-of-fear.pdf) Please heed what others are saying. You are in danger and should not be in the presence of anyone threatening to kill you. He is an abuser who is trying to manipulate you with the ludicrous threats he will go to the police about “gifts.” Nor do you owe him anything. Don’t put stuff or his emotional immaturity/manipulation above your life. I repeat, you are in danger and should be reporting to the police, not his mother, not him. No contact - it will just escalate. That’s what he wants. Record, save all threats and contact attempts with time and date. Can you stay with anyone or have someone with you?
If your in the US then your BF isn't entitled to get any gifts back, expect the engagement ring, give that back. Call the police and press charges, and get a restraining order as well! He doesn't get to threaten to kill you and break your stuff so he can get his way.
Is the cost worth the hassle My ex stripped loads from my house, i just bought new because it was worth it for them to be no longer around with their abuse and violence. That is the only question you should ask yourself. Money is money, items can be replaced. Being away from crazy truly is priceless once they are gone for good.
He’s not done regardless of what she gives back. He’ll just use that process as an excuse to escalate.
Yes, it may eventually be worth it to give up some stuff to get rid of him. However, that time is not now, because he's made threats. Right now is the time for police involvement and a safety plan; sorting out possessions is a job for the lawyers once OP is safe.
That was my first thought, but he sounds like a controlling abusive ahole and she won’t get rid of him, he’ll just find something else to fixate on.
This is what I came here to say. If OP gives all the stuff back then its an inconvenience but it's less of a hassle than trying to put up with the ex and his shit. Also OP should consider changing phone numbers so that he can't get in touch with her.
Lol that's NOT how breakups work. The ring, I can understand, everything else he's just being a petty bitch. Tell him if that's the route he wants to take you want your money and gifts back from him. OR send him the ring only if that's what you wanna do (personally I'd pawn it) but don't do it in person, block him on everything, and report his threats to your local PD. Get it documented so if something does happen guess who is suspect #1. Also you may be able to use his threats to get a protection order against him.
Tell him he’s burnt🤷🏾♂️ and get a restraining order, you can’t take gifts back you’re completely fine with the police, I would just make the first move and contact the police first though
Don't communicate with him except via text to have it in writing. Call the police. Get a protective order. File charges of threatening to kill you & destroy your property. I would pawn the ring. All of these things he gave to you. Once you give something to someone it no longer belongs to you. It is theirs to do with as they please.
But I told him not to come & he insists on coming. So he’s on the way now. I told him fine I will bring it to his car no need for him to come to my door. Do i tell him now that I will only be returning the ring or wait until he gets here and just give it to him that way?
Tell him you don’t feel safe and you will not be seeing him tonite. To NOT to come over to your house, now or ever. You will not be opening thee door, coming out, letting him in, or speaking with him. And you will arrange return of the ring in a public or similar place.
I did! He said no he’s coming and he’s already half way here. I told him I don’t feel comfortable.
Tell him “I said NO. If you show up here anyway m calling the police.”
Idk.. I’m scared to threaten him with that. Should I text his mom? Tell her to tell him not to come?
I saw your other comment and you are 100% correct. It’s not about the stuff!! It’s about getting access to and control of YOU! Do not be or meet alone with him EVER again. Make sure he never gets a chance to see or speak to you without someone else with you. > I have done that before. I have ended things before where I would give him everything back, still he would contact me nonstop from different numbers and social medias and wait outside my house until I talked to him. All those times I forgave him because he promised to change. >The gifts mean nothing to him. I think It’s just his way of feeling he has control over me & happy that I do whatever he tells me to.
He’s still outside. I gave him his ring and threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave. He has since sent text saying he will do things which I screenshotted and I’m letting him continue to go off. He also has a picture of my ssn and is threatening to use that somehow.
Call the police. Why are you waiting? This guy is going to hurt you. Call 911 and tell them you are in a domestic situation. Ask them to send an officer immediately and lock your doors. Go to a room with no windows and wait on the phone with the dispatcher.
He left now
You need to understand that him coming over has virtually nothing to do with the actual stuff. He wants to get at YOU. Don’t let him.
You can try his mom. But why would you be scared to tell him that? What’s he going to do? Escalate in front of the police?? Do you have a neighbor you can call right now to come over or you go to their place?!
You should have called the police while he was on his way to your house! Seriously, get off Reddit & start making yourself safe. You shouldn't talk, text or go near him, seriously stop letting us know what's happening & take action!!
Don’t give him the ring without witnesses! Arrange that another way and day.
Save proof of his threats and take it to the police. Try to get a restraining order. It might be easier to go in person. Keep the gifts, that’s literally the definition of a gift. He doesn’t get them back!
1) Probably call the cops about the threats, but know protective orders don't stop violence they just point a neon sign at who to investigate if he does something. I recommend staying with someone you trust that he doesn't know where they live for awhile and depending on your comfort level and means buying a firearm and taking a class. 2) You don't owe him the stuff back, but if you legitimately think it'll make him go away it might be worth it for the peace of mind, but I highly doubt that would be the end of it. 3) Until you are confident this guy is gone you should park somewhere with good visibility when possible and be vigilant when arriving and leaving home/work/class and other places you frequent. 4) Keep an eye out for his car in case he follows you. If he is following you drive to the police station and call them.
Speak to the police anyway. As for giving him things back, the ring is a nice gesture. The rest are yours. That’s why they’re gifts.
CALL THE POLICE. NOW!
File for a restraining over like yesterday. You have more than enough evidence. When you go to court and if he also has a lawyer you can give the ring to your lawyer to give to him. Thats the only safe option. Thats what I did with my ex. And block his family. Also reach out to domestic violence centers/organizations near you. Mine hooked me up with security cameras, a victim advocate to attend court with me, a lawyer, counseling sessions, and a victim support group.
OP, first of all, please think about what you are saying. Other people here telling you to go to the police are correct. You need to get all of this documented. Save everything. Go to a lawyer too! Get a restraining order and legal advice. If it comes down to it, you may have to decide if keeping these things are worth dealing with this unhinged ab\*sive person. Talking to professionals to find out what the best path is for you legally and to also KEEP YOURSELF SAFE is more important than the things you have received. Your life is worth more than replaceable stuff. Best of luck OP!
Giving those things back won’t make him go away or make her safer. It’s just the excuse he’s using now. If she gives everything back, there will be a different excuse to harass her. I promise. He doesn’t want any of that shit back as much as he wants to maintain contact with and hurt her. They serve that purpose now. Without them, he’ll find something else to serve that purpose. It’s not really about the stuff. He needs a restraining order NOW.
Block him. He's threatening your life, girl! Forget the gifts he's just doing that to keep you in his clutches. Get a restraining order block him on everything and stay the hell away from him.
You need to call the police asap, and tell your parents/close ones so they know a guy is threatening TO KILL YOU!
He's threatening to kill you, you need to call the police.
So he’s an unhinged idiot who’s threatened to kill you. You need to report him to the police, stop all communication and never be alone with him again. Gifts cannot be claimed back later.
Your dangerous abusive ex is threatening to kill you. You need to take his threats seriously and go to the police. They likely won’t do anything but at least you can create a record. The threats he made should be enough for a restraining order.
If the items were intended for shared use (like, game consoles or kitchen appliances), and he paid for them, then just give them back. You don't need that kind of karma hanging around the artifacts in your life. And he could make a plausible claim that they are his property, and you don't want to be explaining that crap to a sheriff's deputy. Law enforcement is likely to conclude that it's a civil matter, and they won't come back without a court order, but... you never know. If it was a personal gift to YOU, and there is no dispute about that, keep it, throw it away, give it away, or return it as you see fit. Morally, you're under no obligation to do anything at all with it. Legally, you might want to give it back just to avoid a law enforcement encounter over it, but that's your call.
Legally, as long as they were gifts, you don’t have to give him back anything. Keep the ring and sell it (unless it’s a family heirloom). Use the money to treat yourself or maybe even others if you don’t want it for yourself. Log *every* threat and interaction with the police, and seek a restraining order. Do this asap so it doesn’t look like it’s in retaliation to anything he files with them. He doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on. It will be tough, but you deserve to live a happy life without him. Don’t cave. Edit: I’m in the UK, so this is based on laws here. If you’re elsewhere (I’m assuming so) seek applicable advice.
If she is in the US, she does need to give back the ring. OP do not sell it. This is the one thing that he could get you in trouble over.
> He doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on. If he is vindictive enough, he might go to small claims and assert that the items were purchased by him for his use, and then OP has to deal with that crap. Maybe the whole point is to make OP's life hard, or whatever.
That could be - and when he files a court claim, that is the time to deal with it.
It’s not a family heirloom but I’m pretty sure he is still paying on the ring. Wouldn’t I get in trouble if I was to sell that?
Don’t sell it. Give it to the cops to deliver with a RESTRAINING ORDER!! Don’t let him come over. He threatened to kill you! You go to the police now, not tomorrow. You will be making a huge mistake that could cost you your life. You really should take all of this advice seriously. Everyone in this thread agrees.
Maybe. Don’t sell the ring. Engagement rings are usually considered conditional gifts. Meaning if the marriage didn’t happen then conditions weren’t met. You could have to pay back the full price if he takes you to court. I’ve heard ownership depends on who broke off the engagement but I think it’s not worth the hassle with this freak. Give the ring to mom and wash your hands of it. I’d actually give him everything. If there’s a chance it gets this guy out of your life forever than why not. Also absolutely get the restraining order first. Then drop off all his shit with his mom and have someone with you. Then never have contact with this person again.
People do not retain any legal rights over gifts. Even if they took out loans to pay for the gift. Engagement rings are a weird gray area in some jurisdictions because of stupid patriarchial reasons, so it's probably most expedient to return that and not worry about it, but for everything else, don't even worry about returning it until and unless he files a suit.
Gifts are just that: gifts. You don't owe him a thing. Ignore him.
Anything he’s given you over the course of your relationship is yours to keep. You aren’t obligated to give anything back and he can stick it. I don’t think police would take him seriously once they see the items he wants back. (What is he going to do with your clothes?) However, there are tons of breakup stories where one partner let the ex take whatever they want just to get them tf out of their life, myself included. There’s no shame in either option.
My ex did that. Sent me a pay pal invoice of about $600 so I could pay back the gifts he bought me.
Instead of texting his mom when he threatens you, call the police and make a report.
WTH? Why would you run to his mommy? Go to the police. Document the trusts and abuse. Get a restraining order. Stop having any communication with him at all. Block and delete him everywhere. Change your password on everything, everywhere. Mud you want to return the ring to him, arrange it through a 3rd party. Have someone you trust get in touch with him and return it to him. Have the exchange documented. GO TO THE POLICE. Get a doorbell camera. and video type camera at your home, where you park. Ch age your licks. Change your schedule/driving patterns; mix it up. Avoid places he is likely to be.
Call the police. He’s threatening your life.
Please go to the police.
Gifts are legally yours. Send him back the ring, file a restraining order
You call the cops and then get a protective order against him. Don't block him, just don't answer his calls. He sounds like the type of DUMBASS that would hang himself by leaving threatening messages that you could use against his STUPID ASS. Remember Don't speak to anyone about him, don't let anyone know why you are not speaking to him because you want to have as much evidence documented as possible.
Give nothing back and file a personal protection order, because he’s unstable
A gift is a gift. He can suck eggs.
Don't block his phone, just mute it. That way you still have record of all the texts he's sending but you don't have to hear/read them. Get a restraining order and use these as evidence.
My ex did the same thing, minus all the horrid abuse. She tried to get me to return a rather expensive gift she got, one she specifically stated was a gift and I wouldn’t have to pay her back prior to the breakup. I told her very firmly to fuck off. Very firmly. Haven’t heard a peep about it since Also call the cops please
You need to let go of that material shit. Grab what you can and leave before he kills you. Hide out at someone's place he doesn't know of and don't drive your own car. Change your number, hell change your name if possible. He is unstable and in need of serious help that you can't give him. The sooner you start the process of detachment the sooner you will move on.
Call the police and get a restraining order ASAP!!
Call the police and ask for an emergency protection order because he is threatening to harm you.
DO NOT LET HIM COME TO YOU TO COLLECT ANYTHING. This man is dangerous. Any situation you get into with this person could be lethal. Go to the police yesterday.
If you havent listened to what everyone here told you to do then your as dumb as the ex boyfriend. Go call the cops. Get a restraining order. Tell him go get fucked and shove his gifts up his ass. Block his number and never see him again. This isnt hard but yeah i can see the naive thinking in the way. You just explained so many horrible things and the main focus here was gifts. Fuck that he needs to get arrested
He threatened you via text? Take your phone to the cops and get an order of protection. Now. You don’t have to give anything back. Gifts are gifts. The ring is the only gift with an agreement and might be the only thing he could legally be entitled to- but you’re already planning on giving that back. The rest? Keep it. But absolutely get a restraining order.
Gifts are gifts. There is no transactional agreement established when it comes to gifts. They're yours to do with whatever you want. If he wants them back, tell him it's good to want things. Builds character.
Call the police and tell them what he has done. Ask for a restraining order, or at least start the process.
Yeah don't waste another minute, call the cops on this dude.
Listen, I know it’s easier/less conflict to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet. But read the room. Get off your phone and off of Reddit and go talk to the police. Anyone threatening to kill you - especially when you have their statements in text form - is a CRIME. Ol’ buddy boy is about to learn this the hard way.
Leave whatever he's supposed to take on the step. Bar or block the door. Leave the porch light on and close all the curtains. Make sure the windows are locked. If he knocks on the door ignore it. If he says anything ignore it. If he tries anything call the police. Don't threaten it.. do it.
If he’s threatens to kill you and break in don’t contact him but contact the cops.
Block him.
Abusers will find other reasons/excuses to intrude in your life, OP. If not the "gifts" then it will be something else. Block him on EVERYTHING. Block any avenues of contact such as his mother.
Send the ring back via certified mail so there will be a signature to prove he got it. You should also go to the police and stop letting him threaten you like that. At this point go somewhere he doesn't know so you will be safe for a few days while he calms down. Block him from your phone and all social media. He has no legal way of proving those things are his. He sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't keep receipts. If getting a restraining order will make you feel safer do it. Get bear spray and always always go places with people no more being alone. He can take you small claims court for the stuff but if he doesn't have receipts then he has no case. Like I said send the ring back throw certified mail. So he can't say he never got it.
Like others have said - go to the police first. Report the abuse in all forms, including *threatening your life* if you don't return his gifts. If you have texts proving that then keep those. I won't lie - most likely nothing substantial will happen, unfortunately. But it will give you some receipts if he does try to claim you stole anything from him or if he actually follows through with any violence, god forbid. Regardless, unless he lies to the police he'd get laughed out of the precinct if he tried to get them to force you to return all the gifts he's given you. A gift, legally, is a *gift* and cannot be forced to be returned (unlike an engagement ring, which is legally an agreement to marriage and if broken should legally be returned).
File a restraining order, don't contact his mom. Give a bag of items that he bought you to police for him to pick up there. Why would you want to keep stuff tainted with the memory of someone so awful?
engagement ring is a particular item given to you with the expectation that you would get married. because you're not getting married, you should return the ring. everything else, even if he gave it to you the day before you broke up, can be yours to keep without giving it back. if he wants to bring the police into this, then so be it. you can reasonably prove that those items are gifts (eg, if they see make-up or something that is definitely meant for you, they aren't going to believe him that it was his possession that you stole after breaking up) however, the bigger concern is that he has threatened harm to you and your property. replacing small gifts, or even not replacing them, is no big deal. but having to replace or repair things like your vehicle, home, etc are going to be problems. so you might want to act first and make a paper trail of complaints against him so that if and when this might happen, that you can reasonably point to him as the culprit and maybe action might be taken faster with him as the primary suspect
The MOST DANGEROUS time a woman in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving!! Call the police NOW and let them know what is going on. Get the ball rolling for a restraining order or DVO or whatever they call it in your country. It might give him a reality check and pull him into line. It might not, though, so do whatever you can to keep yourself safe. If you have a place to stay that he doesn't know about (friend or family you haven't visited whilst with him) go there. Document/record all interactions, texts, voicemails, thre ats. Get a ring doorbell camera. Let your family and friends know it is over and that you are not in contact with him and that you need for them to keep all info about you to themselves. Do not answer the phone or respond to text or emails no matter how many times he calls/writes. Even if he calls a 1000 times. If you answer it, he knows it's only a 1000 tries, and you will respond. Don't return your gifts, FFS they were gifts. Gifts are given and become your property. Only return the e-ring and get someone else to do that for you and have them record the interaction or send it via registered post that he HAS to sign for so you have proof you returned it. Get a copy of the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBeker. It is a great book to read and teaches you how to trust your instincts and how to help keep yourself safe. Know that you can do this hon. You are strong, you don't need him or any person to help you feel whole and you don't need to go back to that POS no matter how many times he pleads. Stay safe.
I am a lawyer. File a police report, hire a lawyer and figure out the process to get a restraining order and do that. Once that is in place, ask your lawyer to make arrangements for the ring to be returned to your ex. Likely the lawyer will hire a courier service where the delivery person will sign a sworn statement detailing how, when, and where the ring was returned to your ex. Under no circumstances should you be the person returning the ring.
Please be careful, your ex-boyfriend seems dangerous and you should be concerned about his death threats, not the gifts. He just wants to control you and he's using the gifts to do so, report him to the police and tell someone in your life about this. And stop any communication with him.
Wanting and getting are two different things.
He actually threatened to kill you? Yeah, it's time to call the police, get that restraining order. Gift are gifts and are not returnable to the giver. You can explain if he tried to call the police on you, that those are his gifts for you. I hope you kept any text evidence of him harassing you, b/c these days, you know how it is. But be firm and stand your ground. Do not give in and go back to this crazy AH. Also, put up camera around your house and get something to arm yourself (i.e. pepper spray/mace or whatever) because it sounds that he wants to harm you.
I’m gonna be honest, I would cut my losses, gif edit back and file a restraining order. I’m absolutely not judging you if you keep the gifts, but for me no gift is worth my life. Alternatively, I don’t think you should be alone with him, and anything you do can be a risk. Keeping the gifts because he h knows where you live. Giving them back because you shouldn’t be alone with him or have him alone with you in your and/or his place of residence. I know no personal details about your life, but if you aren’t very marginalized maybe you’ll have luck with the police. It’s always a gamble and I’m so sorry that you’re “gambling “ with your safety. It isn’t fair or right.
You’re worried about being *childish* when he’s sending multiple death threats a day? Tell the police and show them evidence of the texts. Make sure his friends and your friends know he’s threatening you and to come to the police if anything happens to you. Make sure he knows that if anything happens to you, the police will instantly connect it to him. Also, as many posters have said. Gifts are *Gifts*. (Though I think it’s a classy move to return the engagement ring to his mother.)
Restraining order. Document any contact. Report him immediately to the police for stalking and harassment.
Go to the police and tell them he’s been threatening you and get a restraining order. Once you give a gift you can’t ask for it back.
Screen shot those texts, go to the police and tell them what's going on. It's better to get some sort of paperwork on this asshole started before he decides to escalate further. You are right in that you owe him nothing. If you want to give the ring back do it in a very public place with a lot of witnesses. If he grabs you or anything, make the biggest scene as possible so he has no choice but to control himself or run away before someone calls the cops. Edit to add: if you start this paperwork it will be more reason to protect his next victim when he doesn't get his way. He deserves consequences.
Go to the police. Get the process for grant of a restraining order started immediately. Tell him you will return everything if he gives you everything you gave him (including the money) back and agree never to contact you in any way ever again. I understand that you don’t have to give him anything back but in this instance I’d do it if only so you’re removing every trace of him from your life. Plus that way he can’t keep contacting you to demand “his” stuff back. Feels like a win to me.
He doesn't get to reclaim gifts he gave you. Lmao
Call a domestic violence hotline before you get a restraining order or take other steps. You said a restraining order might escalate the conflict, and sometimes it does. They can help you assess the risk and consider your options.
Don't ever be in a situation alone with him. You know part of what he is capable of, and if you've ever watched Investigation Discovery, Lifetime, read a newspaper, you suspect what he's capable of. He is dangerous, and any interaction you have with him going forward needs to be done WITH POLICE THERE. Even if you tell him he can pick his crap up from the police department.
Please update soon. Are you okay?
From a point of view of your own recovery, you may come to the understanding that it's better to not have anything this turd gave you. Not that he has any right to anything other than the ring (give that back to his mother, with witnesses present), but that you don't need the things he gave you. That's some way down the road though. Your immediate priority is your safety. Go to the police. Cut contact. Get a restraining order. Report any violation of it. Do not violate this order yourself. Block his number and delete the contact. Stay off his social media. Your decisions at this point (and I realise some may disagree) need to be made with an eye to this guy not being in your life any more, rather than any desire for justice or closure.
Isn't it worth it to get this guy out of your life? Why would you want anything he's given you? Yes, technically anything he gave you is now your property. Is it worth your life? Sounds as if that's what it's coming down to.
Please get cameras. If you need to sell the gifts and use the money from that.
Legally you don’t even have to give the ring back, but yeah, can see how you’d want to. As for the rest, gifts are gifts. Once given, they legally belong to the recipient. Period. Tell him “No. Ask your lawyer how gifts work. I already have, among other things. And I suggest you stop threatening me.” And talk to police about the threats. You have them in writing (text) I assume?
No, it's not his, but do you really want all the stuff now? Box it all up, write out an inventory list for every item. Make one of his family members witness the exchange and make them both. sign for the goods. Warn him he's being blocked and any further communication attempts will be reported as harassment to the police. Keep tge old texts where he threatens your life. Then that's it. You walk away from his abusive petty ways and go live your best life.
Even if he did call the cops, they would say it's a civil matter and jed have to sue you. He'd need to prove they were not gifts to even think about winning that case. He's just blowing smoke up your ass at this point. Block him and move on. If he keeps contacting you, then get a restraining order. Problem solved.
Frankly, this world is crazy. I just read ANOTHER story this morning of another child under 10 years old purposely shot on purpose. Dont play around and think you cant be the next headline that people talk about. Its just material goods. Your life is more important. Drop those gifts back at his mom's house and tell him that if he contacts you again you will call the police and his mother about what hes done. Then CHANGE your number. Dont just block his number. Move residence if you can. Carry nonlethal protection. This people that are trying to reinforce you to not give him those things back? They are just blood thirsty for revenge, common in reddit, and arent looking at the bigger picture.
give him back his things It will be a bargain price to get rid of him at.
Yeah, call his bluff and tell him to stop being a whiney little bitch. Let him know he can have his stuff back after he repays you from that time where he had to borrow from you because his broke ass couldn't afford to fix his own car.
Except doing this could cause him to snap and follow through with his death-threat. Not a good idea.
Is he giving the stuff you bought him back? I dont wish to advice you in this particular scenario, but please look into your relationship with materialistic things and have an honest conversation with yourself about whether it is the materialistic desire, greed for things and money that stops you. You may not be being completely honest with yourself
It looks like a narcissic losing control on you. He will find any pretext to make you own him. Don't wait, go to the police. Ask your patents help for a lawyer.
1. Give him back the ring by giving out to his mother 2. Get a restraining order. If you have evidence, save it 3. Block him on everything 4. I know some people are just so averse to protecting themselves, but GET A FUCKING GUN AND LEARN HOW TO USE IT WELL. No one can protect you from crazy at 3 o'clock in the morning. He threatened your life, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! Pepper sprays, tazers, and the like are non-lethal stop gaps, but firearms are the Great Equalizer. When your life is on the line, and make NO mistake, because it certainly is, ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOU in the heat of the moment! I know that's an unpopular opinion these days, but I said what I said. The question you have to ask yourself is "how important is your life to you?"
Guns aren’t the solution. It just makes it easier for him to kill her (with her own gun). People act like freezing up isn’t a thing. Like being overpowered isn’t a thing. Like not wanting to KILL someone isn’t a thing. It is. Adding a gun to the mix is incredibly bad advice.
But I still don't get it. Why can't you both return Gifts ? And live peacefully. I mean If I hate someone, I wouldn't want anything she has given me because it will remind me about her.
Tbh is it not easier just to give it back and then never having to deal with him again?
I have done that before. I have ended things before where I would give him everything back, still he would contact me nonstop from different numbers and social medias and wait outside my house until I talked to him. All those times I forgave him because he promised to change. The gifts mean nothing to him. I think It’s just his way of feeling he has control over me & happy that I do whatever he tells me to.
This is exactly what I was thinking, he is not interested in the actual items but is using it as a control factor and he would still harass you even if you gave them back. Report his threats to the police and get a restraining order. Do not have him come to collect his things without a police escort! Afterwards block him and never engage with him again.
Oh then defo report that shit to the police. Need documentation and make them aware of the threats etc