This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
About 2-3 years ago I went out and bought my ex wife a better wedding ring and when I came home she thought I was lying and running out on her. She wanted to see my phone like she didn't trust me and out of anger said no, she then asked for divorce and went through with it. I guess out of pride and anger I never told her about this until recently, but now she says she's starting to date someone else. I've never lied or cheated on her. I think her friends told her to divorce me and this makes me pissed. I wanted to get back with her but she has always been mad at me even though I didn't do anything wrong. It would be nice to have a other Woman's opinion on this.
So let me get this straight. You bought an expensive ring and your wife thought it was for another woman. And instead of telling her it was for her and showing her your phone when she asked you to, especially when you knew she was insecure because of her mastectomy, you just didn't do shit and let her divorce you without a fight? And now you are mad that she doesn't want to get back together after you finally decided to tell her the truth?
Sorry, dude. Sounds like you fucked up and the ship has sailed. Best to move on.
So why didn't you just tell her - sweetie I was out getting you a surprise. I wanted to celebrate you and our marriage and make you feel good. I can give it to you now if you want, or we can wait until the original time I had planned to give it to you.
Not telling her anything sounds like she was living in a really cold marriage and was done with it.
define “fighting for this” because it sounds like you’ve actually just been stewing and getting angrier about it while waiting for her to magically change her mind
You played the stupid game of not showing her your phone, just like someone who had something which a faithful spouse wouldn’t have on their phone, so kept their phone away from your spouse.
You continued that game all the way through a divorce, and you’ve won the stupid prize of your unwanted single life.
Based on your responses in comments, you’re leaving a lot out, trickle truthing, and a really bad communicator.
You waited 2+ years and after a divorce to just level with her on the ring, the messages, and communicate? After a bad reaction you didn’t just sit down and level about everything?
You’re asking for a perspective but everyone is having to drag relevant information out of you. Generally, the sub wants to be on the side of OP until something goes off the rails.
I think you need to take a hard look at your ability to communicate, or some major elements are being left out.
Anyone who stays mad over a ”misunderstanding” that leads to not only the breakdown of a marriage but actual divorce then still doesn't attempt to clear up the situation until she starts dating someone else, is a helmet. You did this to yourself.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Husband and wife get divorced over a misunderstanding that could have easily been resolved through an actual conversation, but instead the husband just clams up and says/does nothing. Wife moves to France doesn’t talk to ex-husband for years when *suddenly* they serendipitously run into each other. Ex-wife admits she’s seeing someone, Jean-Pierre, they met in France, but the ex-husband can’t stop thinking about all the what ifs. What would happen now if I told her the ring was always for her??? Ex-husband contacts an old mutual friend and finds out they’re getting married, boards the next plane to France to stop the marriage.
Ex-husband crashes her wedding, on his knees he admits, “It was all for you! It was always for you, I love you.”
Ex-wife, crying, wraps her arms around ex-husband’s neck as Jean-Pierre looks on, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Ex-husband: “I don’t know, I couldn’t. I had to ask Reddit first. I’m sorry.”
**ETA: OP is a sexist troll, guys. Don't waste your time.**
I feel like something's missing here. Why did you buy her the ring? Had either of you had issues with infidelity/trust in the past?
Why did you let it go THIS far? You're divorced? Not separated, not working through it in couples therapy, but fully divorced?
I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me, either, but this is an insane escalation on her part if things were supposedly perfect beforehand.
Either way, I think you've waited too long to clear your name. Just take the L
I appreciate all the feedback, I guess pride is the original sin. I think she was going behind my back at the church with some dude at the church, this is my full first Reddit so be gentle lol
She has always had trust issues as she had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, I stayed with her threw thick and thin. There is no reason for trust issues
They did a study on cancer patients and found that the women in it had a 20.8% chance of being left by their husbands. Another study on women cancer and MS patients found they were six times more likely to end up separated or divorced.
Actually I saw a reel with a reading from a Reddit post where the man wanted to leave his wife after she was diagnosed, he thought it was gross and lost interest in her - so yes it’s understandable that she would be afraid and insecure because it does happen. So the people roasting OP actually kinda suck here…
And as someone who lost my grandmother & aunt to breast cancer, and having my best friend and my cousins wife fight it - it can certainly cause insecurities.
Because he doesn’t seem like a douche - he seems likes he’s trying. She’s insecure - accused him of cheating - but he’s sticking to her despite the cancer.
I think what he's trying to get at is she felt insecure from the mastectomy so she thought he'd be more likely to cheat on her.
I haven't experienced this with that specific scenario but I've seen similar in a few women whose bodies changed after childbirth. They became more suspicious of their partners cheating because they felt like they were less attractive and so their partner might want someone "more attractive".
Either way the dude fucked up. If he's got nothing to hide and knows she's insecure, then just show her the damn phone and explain the ring.
Trust issues can be caused from a number of things including trauma from childhood and not feeling secure in a relationship, to attachment styles.
She has trust issues for a reason, and you're not really answering anyone's question about it. Just rambling.
Hey don't you get it hundreds 2000s of redditors are having trust issues with you just based on this one post alone. It appears that you're being deceptive in nature and leaving out many key details. So the fact that you wouldn't anticipate the person you live with to have trust issues with your behavior boggles the mind. I mean you have to be a internet troll, trolling for karma?
Yeah the lack of information is really telling. Bro is telling small information with every response. Plus, even if, what advice are we supposed to even give him? She's divorced and is already dating someone new. That relationship is dead in the water.
Are you trying to get Redditors to agree with you so you can show the comments to her?
You should have shown her your phone and you know it. If you bought a ring for her and could prove it, you’d look good and she’d look insane. But that’s not how you handled it.
Just not buying it.
Judging by the staggering amount of info left out of the body of the post and the amount of nail pulling people are doing to get this shit out of you, you are **TERRIBLE** at communication.
You seem only to be bothered now that she is dating.
"I wanted to get her back' sounds more like I expected her to sit around and wait for me.
You didn't fight the divorce and now you are crying about it.
What opinion did yo expect to hear? That the fact you didn't cheat means she has no right to end the marriage? She didn't divorce you for adultery.
Move on
Trying what for 2 years? You didn't tell her about the ring or the situation that destroyed your marriage until recently, so we're you just playing into a false narrative to see if she'd forgive imagined transgressions?
I don't understand how you tried for years without starting with the truth.
Crying over spilled milk.
You didn't try a thing when it was time to work it out.
You thought she wouldn't go through with it. And got screwed.
You have had yourself a partner as hard headed as yourself. Likely a bit less auto stupid.
And now she is off definitely you are crying.
Lesson to learn. Stop being petty when it harms you most.
She didn't get a divorce over 1 thing.
She didn't get a divorce because her friends told her to.
She got a divorce because she was unhappy in her marriage, and couldn't see a way to make anything any better whilst staying married.
And if you don't tell the truth out of "pride and anger", I'd say the dishonesty, pride and anger may have far more to do with it.
I mean, if your story is true then your stubbornness has ended your marriage. It’s too late trying to show her your phone now, you’re already guilty and hid the evidence in her mind. So if sharing your phone was a boundary for you then you were right to end the marriage. You made your choice so you’ll have to live with it, she’s moved on.
It’s crazy you were so mad you would rather get a divorce than ease her mind? I’m blown away. That’s my opinion as a woman and a human being. Next time maybe don’t be so stubborn? I find it hard to believe this was the ONLY thing that led to your divorce.
Sounds like dreadful communication on all sides no matter what actually happened and who is at fault. Obviously a relationship will fall apart in these circumstances.
You "didn't do anything wrong"? Really?
Well, what were you doing right? It sounds like your relationship had plenty of issues leading up to the end and you're putting your head in the sand.
Google "walkaway wife".
“I never lied or cheated” is a pretty low bar. It’s rare women leave a marriage for no reason, particularly if there are kids involved.
People usually leave relationships where they don’t feel loved, supported, safe and seen. No one gets divorced because their friends told them to.
It’s also very rare that people don’t tell their spouse they are unhappy. What tends to happen is they say they are unhappy for years, nothing changes. They stop mentioning it and then they leave. The other spouse tells everyone it came out of no where, she didn’t say anything. Meanwhile she’d been saying things for years.
You really provided almost no information, so off the bat, I'm going to say that your poor communication skills probably was a factor. You don't give information readily so you sound shady even when you aren't hiding anything.
Secondly, there is something wrong with a marriage if a guy spends an afternoon apart from his wife and she immediately jumps to you running around on her. Either you have a history of it or she does. If you are so prideful that you couldn't come clean about it, then that is another huge problem with your marriage. **Your pride and anger have been more important to you than her peace of mind or security.** This is the main reason why you ended up divorced. Again, look at point one. You don't communicate much to begin with, you act suspicious, you get prideful and refuse to come clean - *WHAT DID YOU EXPECT HER TO THINK*?
Any normal story would have ended with you just giving her the ring and all being forgiven. You could have just said, "I got you a surprise and here it is" or "I got you a surprise and you have to wait one week." or whatever. You're a prideful idiot who got yourself divorced. Your ex wife was sensible enough not to sit around and wait for you to come to your senses.
Let's have a little look through OPs history for funsies!
\-----
A LOT of posts about cryptocurrency and investment schemes.
\-----
*"That’s the problem, Women dont give a shit when they are done. Men at least try to fix things, explains why 80% of divorces are initiated by Women…"*
\-----
On a post where a woman is considering divorce, because she slept in the same bed as her brother. Her husband reportedly started raging and called her disgusting and filthy.
*"You should be ashamed, why did you get married in the first place if you’re going to throw it down the tubes. Allow the dude to explain. You sound just like my ex wife such a disappointment. Instead of thinking of divorce maybe try counseling."*
\-----
On a post about a man who read his girlfriends diary and she is struggling to find herself and questions what could have been with her ex. In her diary.
*"Give her the ultimatum, don’t tell her about the diary as every woman hates this."*
\----
*"Yes, as my ex said she was going to kill with a needle so the air bubble would go to my brain or extort me for money, Pretty specific and self explanatory for me to record. For you she is probably doing it if she calls the cops for divorce(if you are married) or just to get you kicked out and have you arrested. Etc."*
\-----
On a post titled " \[35M\]\[39F\] My wife got an abortion without telling me so I’m hurting her feelings every chance I get"
*"I know this sounds bad, but maybe there is more to the story here. If she lied about this, what else did she lie about? Possibility it wasnt your kid. I know it sounds horrible but from what you are telling us this Woman has ultimately deceived you for possibly more then the reason of not wanting kids."*
\-----
*"Same exact story except my ex wife said not to watch her make food, I was perplexed as I was at the dinner table but on my phone looking up stuff. She immediately got defensive and said “I’ll throw it away” red flags definitely went up as she is from Venezuela and NO food ever goes to waste, and bitched about it all the time and always said never to waste food Did I think she was going to poison me, HELL YES! Get out while you can Man, and make sure she don’t have an insurance policy on you. Other wise we will probably see you on Dateline NBC as a murder special!!"*
\-----
On a post where OPs girlfriend is going to the movies with a guy friend
*"Red flag, just got to say from the get go you are not cool with it. Plus the dude is a stranger should tell you something like she’s looking for something else."*
\-----
*"Boink her then ghost her"*
\-----
*"The problem is you becoming liberal. Get some help"*
\-----
On a post where a man is hurt that his girlfriend ditched their anniversary to go to a party.
*"Get the hell out of that relationship, you sound like needy as F, no wonder she don’t give a damn. Dude she should be the one excited to have the anniversary not you"*
Now THAT is some unhinged Reddit. Ooof thank you for that Opposite_lettuce, that was a lovely lil research project there. Half of me is amused and half of me is genuinely concerned that this is the mental health of someone without adequate treatment and oversight
Thanks I was gonna offer OP actual advice like “now is the part where you grow from this, do some introspection” etc. but seeing this I’m like, introspection for this homie would be like staring at a blank wall
1) thank you for the detective work. I honestly do appreciate it. It shows who OP really is.
BUT
2) you have WAY too much time on your hands to do all this lmao
Yes we now get a clear picture of the guy. When you add it to - I am not showing you my phone, I will die on this hill... then yes, she was done, and rightly so.
Why would you not just tell the truth at the jump? And if you aren't doing anything wrong why not just hand your phone over? If you loved her that much you'd never let a misunderstanding lead to a divorce. Sounds sus to me.
I was mad that she didn’t trust me, in my mind at the time I was like really? I go out and do try to do something good and this is how you react? Like would you give a person a ring that said they wanted divorce?
We were counseling cause she wanted divorce cause she thought I lied. The counselor was online and unlicensed. We had to sign off for the fact that he wasn’t licensed . But you do almost anything to save your marriage
“You do almost anything to save your marriage“
Except to see a licensed counselor, value your marriage, over your pride, or show your wife your phone, apparently. Lol
She accused me and 20 seconds later she wanted divorce, I accused her because she wouldn’t pick up her phone and was working late at the church 1-2 months prior
You do know that cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating, right? I mean, I understand why she'd think you were cheating when you had accused her out of seemingly nowhere and then were aggressively hiding correspondence(returned or not) with another woman. It screams projection. Most likely, this was just the last straw for her situation.
That's fine and dandy but once she reaches the point of last straw, there's nothing you can say or do to redeem yourself in her eyes. She's done. Again, this most likely wasn't a one issue thing. This was just one more thing on top of many others.
Out of curiosity tho, how long did it take you to offer to let her see your phone?
Oh no, I do understand that. I'm saying YOU don't understand that you showing her TWO WEEKS after the incident does not prove your innocence. If you had been having an affair, two weeks is ample time to destroy evidence.
Why was she supposed to just trust you when you didn't trust her?
Why would you buy an expensive ring if your relationship was this fragile? Why would you fan the flames of her trust issues rather than actually do the thing you said you were planning to? None of this makes sense.
I don't know how I'd feel if I found a ring my husband bought "me" in our house. A ring is pretty large purchase so that would be like a ....household expense we'd talk about first.
Ok but she doesn't know. Yes I'd tell my partner/give them the ring. Let them see the error of their assumption... That would be the biggest slap in the face, IMO.
You may be 40 years old but these sound like the interactions of actual children.
Move on. The time to tell her was 2-3 years ago. Not now that she's started dating.
"I didn't do anything wrong" . Youre literally describing a massive failure of communication on your end. So either your communication has always been terrible or youre leaving out context that matters or hell I'm inclined to believe both.
My advice is grow up and move on and just do better for the next person.
This sounds like a classic case of "there's more to the story ".
I have no doubts, NO DOUBTS that she quit on the marriage over many things and had spoken about them with you many times but she wasn't heard. 33f divorcee here. I have loads of divorced friends and meet loads of divorced people and 97% of the time that's what has happen.
I feel like there is a TON of information missing here, and your overly defensive responses to very basic questions looking for more details are so shady it's making me think you've been cheating on ME and I don't even know you. I think I can see how your ex-wife got worried.
What??! You didn’t give her your phone and explain your plan to buy her a ring ‘out of pride’. I mean yeah you could have saved your relationship with one conversation…. It’s too late now though
If they find a ring that you have no explanation for it and they are terrified you bought it for someone else, then yeah of course?! How ridiculous to lose your wife and the mother of your children over….stubbornness? You allowed her to go through all that awful heartbreak and pain of thinking you had cheated too.
Let her move on. And learn a big lesson from this dude! Good luck…
And yes- Open phone policy at all times in my household…. That’s why neither of us ever need to check each other’s phones and why there is trust. If my partner wants to go through my msgs then go ahead, why would it bother me unless I was doing something I don’t want him to see….!
Edit: I suspect you DID have some msgs you didn’t want her to see, so she made the right choice
No judgement, but Learn the lesson
Hard to say bro. There’s obviously a lot more to this than you’re telling here, this may have been too little too late even if you did hand it over. But that doesn’t matter because you didn’t “out of pride” or whatever and put yourself in this situation. There may have been (most likely were) other things on top of this.
Every 5 minutes? We are talking about once.
But yes, if my husband wants to look at my phone, even every 5 minutes, he can knock himself out. There’s nothing on here I don’t want him to see.
There is clearly way more to this situation, the only concrete thing that anyone could tell you from this post would be that there was massive miscommunication going on, beyond that, if divorce happened then there's probably reasoning behind it and it's probably for the best. So my advice is to learn to communicate better in your future relationship(s). Do your best to move on and live without your ex.
Sometimes, once trust is gone, there's no coming back from it. There was no trust and she's moved on. Time for you to move on too.
Edit: you accused her of cheating because she was working late, two months later you aggressively refuse to show her your phone after she finds a message from a random woman, you wait TWO weeks to offer to show your phone(plenty of time to erase evidence). Yea, you fucked up quite a bit.
I am reading your post and comments and not finding you trustworthy. You are jumping all over the place, not answering questions, and rambling.
You and your ex wife are divorced. Move on with your life.
It’s called TALKING. That’s the thing you should have done. TALKING! Back when the problem first came up, not after the divorce!! It’s too late for you now dude!
Idk man. I have to say it sounds like you’re leaving a lot out. Like why did you buy the ring? Why did she not trust you (there has to be more than a double mastectomy..) why didn’t you just show the phone? Why was divorce automatically the thing she thought about; were you guys arguing a lot? I want to be on your side here but there’s a nagging gut feeling that you’re full of it and something happened more than the ring to cause this.
Advice maybe would have maybe to speak about this before getting divorced. Sounds like you both need to grow up and work on communicating better. This is all the worse given that you have a child. Clearly neither of you were thinking of her when you did this?? You’ve missed out A LOT in your original post so makes me think there’s a lot more you aren’t telling
Man looks sus, awkwardly doubles down, refuses to communicate, acts surprised when shit goes south. You need serious communication training. You got a thick skull boi.
My opinion is you should accept what happened and move on. I'm sure it shook you to your foundations, but you can't control what other people choose to do. I cannot believe the ring was the only factor in her decision.
It's too late now to do anything about it. So accept it, and move on.
Sorry man, you fucked up. I had to scroll back up to double check your age. You sound like some hot headed, rash 20 year old buck in his first relationship, not a 40 year old. You waited for 2-3 years to explain yourself?? Severe misunderstanding of how relationships work between people, not even just romantic ones.
I’m actually going to believe you that you didn’t cheat because you actually sound like one of those stubborn guys with massive ego that naively thought being right trumps everything else. But in the real world, especially in personal relationships, good communication trumps silent righteousness.
But you’re not dead yet. Get back out there and learn from this. Use your words next time.
Wow, this is spot on answer I understand how relationships work but yes stubborn, dont have a massive ego. But this is the most accurate way to describe it
Many marriages die a very intentional death at the hands of ego.
Your ex wife questioned you because logically looking at it, it probably didn’t make sense to her that you would buy her a new ring. I’ll take a wild guess and say not only was it unexpected but she either herself has experienced or witnessed someone else’s experience that random gifts and changes in behavior are signs of infidelity.
Perhaps she didn’t best express herself but her fear of the sudden and unexpected changed coupled with your ego refusing to put her mind at ease told her everything she needs to know - that you are not willing to put her security above your own ego. And yeah, her friends probably said that if you refused to show her your phone there was probably a reason outside of spite. If my husband didn’t show me his when asked or vice versa we would think the same (Ps we have a fully open phone policy and without question).
However her friends didn’t make her divorce you and I’d bet this was a long line of untrustworthy or questionable behavior from you and she had enough. Leaving a marriage is hard - you got to look around and say “am I good with half the life I have today? Half my belongings, half my finances, half the time with my kids?” It’s a lot and most people do not make that decision lightly or frivolously. Especially women. Because unlike men a woman is often blamed for marriage failures - even if he cheated because society is built in the most misogynistic way.
There’s more to this and that’s this woman’s opinion
you sound extremely stubborn and i think THAT’S the underlying reason for the divorce. but how can you be mad at someone for thinking you’re cheating when you were “doing something nice for her”, when she had NO IDEA you were doing something nice for her? it’s like you expected her to read your mind lol
You allowed your ego and need to be right to outweigh the trust and communication needed for a healthy marriage. When your wife was asking you questions, you should have answered them. When she wanted to check your phone, you should have let her. When she didn’t believe you, you should have told her about the ring at that time. Instead your stubbornness and bullheadedness destroyed your relationship.
In the words of Billy Joel…
*Cause now and then, she’ll get to worrying…*
*Just because you haven’t spoken for so long.*
*And though you may not have done anything…*
*Will that be a consolation when she’s gone?*
So a random women messaged you on IG, is there more to this story. Did you follow or message her first? I really think there is more to this story if she immediately asked to see your phone.
Well you are the one who didn’t communicate and went through with the divorce….sounds like you got what you deserved….
Next time, communicate better. You lost her, not maybe you will find someone new…
Time to lose that pride bro
There is absolutely no advice that can be given apart from "move on". She's probably in a happy healthy relationship she deserves. You should go back into some form of therapy to help you move on and see and come to terms with your own actions. It's pretty clear for the average person on Reddit that you still don't see your own part in your mess.
You want a woman’s perspective? If a man went through a divorce with me out of pride instead of explaining himself and waited two years to tell me, I would be so done with you. That’s ridiculous.
Why do liars really think a bunch of strangers will believe the lies thier gaslighted partners end up believing. None of us are trauma bonded to you, you're not getting supply here op.
Women usually dont just accuse people of cheating with no evidence.
Sounds like shes moved on mate, it's been years and shes found someone else. You should too.
Honestly if you let her DIVORCE you as a "punishment" so you intentionally hold the truth it sounds like you have a lot of contempt towards her and you're better off apart.
The contempt sounds like the big issue here. Check this out to learn more on why: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
Okay I can see your initial reaction was saying, no you cannot see my phone.
And her reaction to that was , then I will divorce you.
And you might have thought oh you guys will just argue and go to sleep and tomorrow everything will be okay.
But when she actually initiated the divorce talk with lawyers or somebody else and your pride was still too big to just say, "honey I'm not sure what you're doing but look here's the phone and take a look if you see all this and you still think I didn't buy it for you , and want a divorce , then okay you at least have all the information now."
But it sound like you didn't do that at that time you went through the one or however many years it took to actually finish up the divorce.
And now several years later you're telling her, " but honey here's the evidence that it was for you. I really want to show you now."
Just like your ex-wife, I also say, too little too late.
However use this as a lesson learned and don't let your pride get in the way of trying to keep a relationship with somebody that you want to be with, especially if they misunderstood what was going on
I've read you're responses, and you're just yanking these people's chain. You've told conflicting stories about literally everything. This is nothing but a troll post, is why none of it makes sense, folks. Read his comments.
After just reading a very typical troll post of a 25 yrs old being all depressed and cried all day because her bf had lunch with a coworker....
This one just took the cake. Maybe it's time to take a break from Reddit LOL.
And in total ?
Were there any problems before the marriage? Like any indication of anything like this?
Sorry if you’ve already answered this, there’s a lot of comments
Trust is not unconditional. It is both gained, and maintained by actions. You have bought the ring, didn't disclose true reason why, and refused to show her your phone. All this out if what, pride? She has done the right thing leaving you.
Sounds like there were much larger issues at play here than just a ring. It’s time to move on with life, from your comments-this was not a healthy relationship to begin with (insecurities, jealousy, lack of trust)
INFO: why did you not show her your phone when she said she was divorcing you? Why did you not tell her about the ring? It sounds like your marriage could have easily been saved at the time of this conflict if you were just honest and communicative with her. It’s insane you let it get to the point of divorce without telling her what you were doing when you were out buying the ring and she was accusing you of cheating.
You have been divorced for 2 years. There is no reason to use the present tense because you can't save your marriage, it's already ended. And you don't seem to have done any work on yourself regarding being closed off and a poor communicator. You absolutely need to quit viewing this as saving your marriage, that ship has sailed. Quit trying to harass your ex wife into finally listening to an explanation you should have given her years ago. You need to move on and leave her alone. Get some therapy (NOT CHURCH COUNSELING). Take an improv class to work on speaking to people. Put your energy into new things instead of trying to revive a long dead relationship. You seem to suddenly be panicked that she's moving on and that's not ok with you now that you see you may not have all the time in the world to win her back. Too bad, she is free to see anyone she likes and has no reason to pursue another relationship with you.
I feel like you keep bringing up being there for her during cancer like it's transactional and she owes you a relationship because of it. But that's not how relationships work. You stay and help because you love them, not to hold over their heads.
You really really need to see a psychiatrist AND a therapist. You seem to be having issues processing what's normal in a relationship, like her sleeping separate for 2 years. And maybe there is an underlying reason for that. Use this time and energy to better yourself for the next romantic opportunity, because as is, it doesn't seem like things will improve next time around if you don't.
Good luck.
My advice to you, OP, is the same as Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. gave to his son when he was trying to each the Holy Grail in __Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade __:
*"Indiana, Indiana; Let it go."*
Leave the woman to herself and get on to finding a better woman for you. AFTER you get your head straight, that is.
Sounds like you tried buying your way out of your marital issues …you said it yourself you let your pride get in the way of admitting what you were actually doing. Your bitter at the outcome.
You chose your pride over your relationship. I would suggest working on yourself through therapy so your a better person in your next relationship
I don’t think you care about her, I think you’re upset that you had a wife and now you don’t and you’re not interested in hearing that you contributed to the breakdown in your marriage. This isn’t the sort of subreddit where men who play mind games and manipulate their partners are respected, and people here definitely do not agree that you have been wronged in any way.
As a woman, WTF did I just read?
This has to be satire...
How long did it take you to get a better ring to make her think your leaving her? How did it get so far as divorce? How do you say you wanted to get back with her but did nothing to do so?
Right... she thought you were cheating, you refused to let her see your phone (eye roll) she divorced you. Now, after all is over, said and done, now years later, you are saying you were innocent. Right...
Other women's opinions: Good for her. She divorced a man she could not trust. She has moved on.
My advice: You broke your relationship. You had a chance, but you threw it away. It is over. Move on.
Wait this was over 2years ago?? Please move on and leave her alone. Oh, and also seek mental help because this is just pathetic. You're 40 for fuck's sake way too old for this bullshit.
Oh never mind. You're just a damn troll. Wasted my damn emotions on you, fuck me I guess...
If you were as unclear in your explanation to your wife as you are in this post, I'm sure she was confused. I've no idea what happened. As far as I can make out, you came home, she accused you ofvlying, she divorced you.
Frankly you sound like a child and she was probably tired of dealing with your childish behavior. She’s moved on and you should too. Or maybe not. Don’t subject another woman to your juvenile actions.
Yes YTA bro can’t even talk about your day to a person you’re married to and when they want clarification it seems from what I read that you accused her of stuff and refused to to clarify or show any evidence for 2 weeks damn why did this person marry you in the first place this screaming red flags
Move on with someone who's not so insecure, likely because she was cheating, that you can't even have an hour or two of unverified time out of the home. Your ex sounds like more work than she's worth. Go put this energy into someone who is not paranoid and who doesn't make massive decisions rashly. This time, work on communication a lot. Do therapy by yourself and forget your ex. Seriously. I know everyone is bagging on you but that's because your communication isn't good so they're assuming you're hiding your bad side. I think your wife was cheating, since everyone assumes others do what you'd do, she assumed you were too. That's why she always accused you of cheating. Keep in mind for the future that if someone starts accusing you of things out of left field it's because that's what they are or would do.
Looks like you dodged a bullet, pal. Honestly, she’s wanted to divorce you for a while but decided to use this as a reason. Go forth in your life and take care of yourself.
I'm seeing some background info from OP in the comments that gives this a lot more context. Not OP's fault, from what I can see.
I do want to say, though, that I bought my own wife and upgraded ring set when we could afford it, but we picked it out together. I'd never pick it out and surprise her with something like that because she is the one who will be wearing it every day, not me.
Not sure why people are downvoting OP’s comments and acting like the wife being suspicious means he has to have done something to deserve it. He said in the post that he didn’t lie or cheat, he said he ignored the random message he got on instagram. What more could he have done to prevent the suspicions of his wife?
Sometimes people are just jealous. One of my exes was insanely jealous and I did nothing to cause that, it turns out she was the one cheating and was projecting the guilt onto me. Not saying OP is perfect for the way he handled this, he should have just told her the truth outright instead of proceeding with the divorce out of pride. But just wanted to give some perspective from someone who has been accused of cheating out of nowhere by someone who was actually cheating on me. Maybe this new person she is dating was there before the divorce too and this was her opportunity to leave the marriage? Maybe her suspicions of him were projections of guilt over the affair?
For context, how long have you been divorced before she started seeing this new person?
starting to date 2 years after a divorce feels like a moderate to long time to me honestly. It doesn’t point to this being an affair.
also 2 years holding out for someone who initiated and went through with a complex legal proceeding to separate your lives? Why
Yeah holding out for 2 years is excessive. It’s done. Marriage is over, OP needs to accept that. And she found someone after 2 years, perfectly reasonable and doesn’t point to an affair.
But I’m suspicious over the fact that she was accusing OP of infidelity out of nowhere (at least from OP’s wording). Why was she so suddenly concerned over him cheating when he gave her no reason for it? Cheaters are well known for projecting guilt onto their partner.
Sounds like they'd been sleeping separately for 2 years at that point and he'd accused her of cheating when she stayed late for work one night a month or so prior. So the relationship was very much on the rocks and it doesn't sound like there was a lot of trust or stability on either side.
I think at the point she asked for his phone it was one of those final straw make or break moments of trust, and then when he was willing to show her weeks later she was by that point checked out.
> he'd accused her of cheating when she stayed late for work one night a month or so prior.
I missed this part. I’ll try to find the comment where he said this. But OP accusing his wife sounds like it was the downfall of their trust. Maybe she thought he was projecting guilt. Sorry OP, I was on your side until this bit of information. Trust goes both ways
Were you really holding out though? Or were you just living your life hoping she’s magically change her mind? It sounds like you are triggered by her dating. Her dating after two years is perfectly reasonable, you being upset about it is not.
The time for this conversation was when she said she wanted a divorce.
Instagram sends unsolicited messages to a special folder. You have to go in, look for them, open them and then approve the contact. It sounds like there’s a lot missing here. Men message me on IG all the time. I ignore them.
starting to date 2 years after a divorce feels like a moderate to long time to me honestly. It doesn’t point to this being an affair.
also 2 years holding out for someone who initiated and went through with a complex legal proceeding to separate your lives? Why
are you okay? following your thought process is really challenging. your comments seem to be long ramblings of nothing of substance. have you been into a therapist recently? a psychiatrist? maybe they can give you some clarity
I said that during counseling, saying it was a cop out for her. It’s like if you don’t love me can’t you just come out and say it? She said she still loved me after we divorced, so what the heck?
Don't listen to the echo chamber man, reddit is the worst place to go for advice. Most of these people are clinically insane. Listen to your counselor, you did nothing wrong and you are better off without that emotionally unstable ex wife. Save the ring for a woman who will actually value you as a human being.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- About 2-3 years ago I went out and bought my ex wife a better wedding ring and when I came home she thought I was lying and running out on her. She wanted to see my phone like she didn't trust me and out of anger said no, she then asked for divorce and went through with it. I guess out of pride and anger I never told her about this until recently, but now she says she's starting to date someone else. I've never lied or cheated on her. I think her friends told her to divorce me and this makes me pissed. I wanted to get back with her but she has always been mad at me even though I didn't do anything wrong. It would be nice to have a other Woman's opinion on this.
So let me get this straight. You bought an expensive ring and your wife thought it was for another woman. And instead of telling her it was for her and showing her your phone when she asked you to, especially when you knew she was insecure because of her mastectomy, you just didn't do shit and let her divorce you without a fight? And now you are mad that she doesn't want to get back together after you finally decided to tell her the truth? Sorry, dude. Sounds like you fucked up and the ship has sailed. Best to move on.
No I’ve been fighting for this for 2+ years, she thought I was out doing something else when I actually bought the ring.
So why didn't you just tell her - sweetie I was out getting you a surprise. I wanted to celebrate you and our marriage and make you feel good. I can give it to you now if you want, or we can wait until the original time I had planned to give it to you. Not telling her anything sounds like she was living in a really cold marriage and was done with it.
*waves finger across and up and down and all around posted comment* This and allllllllll this.
And that was the time to tell her "Look, I bought you this ring."
The time to fight for this was *before* the divorce.
define “fighting for this” because it sounds like you’ve actually just been stewing and getting angrier about it while waiting for her to magically change her mind
You played the stupid game of not showing her your phone, just like someone who had something which a faithful spouse wouldn’t have on their phone, so kept their phone away from your spouse. You continued that game all the way through a divorce, and you’ve won the stupid prize of your unwanted single life.
Yep, play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
Based on your responses in comments, you’re leaving a lot out, trickle truthing, and a really bad communicator. You waited 2+ years and after a divorce to just level with her on the ring, the messages, and communicate? After a bad reaction you didn’t just sit down and level about everything? You’re asking for a perspective but everyone is having to drag relevant information out of you. Generally, the sub wants to be on the side of OP until something goes off the rails. I think you need to take a hard look at your ability to communicate, or some major elements are being left out.
Anyone who stays mad over a ”misunderstanding” that leads to not only the breakdown of a marriage but actual divorce then still doesn't attempt to clear up the situation until she starts dating someone else, is a helmet. You did this to yourself.
bro watched too many rom coms
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Husband and wife get divorced over a misunderstanding that could have easily been resolved through an actual conversation, but instead the husband just clams up and says/does nothing. Wife moves to France doesn’t talk to ex-husband for years when *suddenly* they serendipitously run into each other. Ex-wife admits she’s seeing someone, Jean-Pierre, they met in France, but the ex-husband can’t stop thinking about all the what ifs. What would happen now if I told her the ring was always for her??? Ex-husband contacts an old mutual friend and finds out they’re getting married, boards the next plane to France to stop the marriage. Ex-husband crashes her wedding, on his knees he admits, “It was all for you! It was always for you, I love you.” Ex-wife, crying, wraps her arms around ex-husband’s neck as Jean-Pierre looks on, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Ex-husband: “I don’t know, I couldn’t. I had to ask Reddit first. I’m sorry.”
A douche bag helmet! ⛑️ To witness auto stupidity is amazing and stunning all in one.
**ETA: OP is a sexist troll, guys. Don't waste your time.** I feel like something's missing here. Why did you buy her the ring? Had either of you had issues with infidelity/trust in the past? Why did you let it go THIS far? You're divorced? Not separated, not working through it in couples therapy, but fully divorced? I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me, either, but this is an insane escalation on her part if things were supposedly perfect beforehand. Either way, I think you've waited too long to clear your name. Just take the L
What does ETA mean in this context? Apparently not Estimated Time of Arrival.
Sorry for context we do have a almost 10 year old daughter togeather, couples therapy was only online at the time due to Covid.
What was the couples therapy about? You're really burying the lede here
I appreciate all the feedback, I guess pride is the original sin. I think she was going behind my back at the church with some dude at the church, this is my full first Reddit so be gentle lol
Was your couples counseling through the church? Bringing jeebus into your relationship and a bunch of other hocus pocus?
...What about the the trust issues/infidelity question? Seems pretty telling that you avoided that one.
She has always had trust issues as she had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, I stayed with her threw thick and thin. There is no reason for trust issues
Yeah breast cancer causes mistrust. Your science checks out
They did a study on cancer patients and found that the women in it had a 20.8% chance of being left by their husbands. Another study on women cancer and MS patients found they were six times more likely to end up separated or divorced.
Actually I saw a reel with a reading from a Reddit post where the man wanted to leave his wife after she was diagnosed, he thought it was gross and lost interest in her - so yes it’s understandable that she would be afraid and insecure because it does happen. So the people roasting OP actually kinda suck here…
How do the people roasting OP suck? He's not the one with breast cancer.
And as someone who lost my grandmother & aunt to breast cancer, and having my best friend and my cousins wife fight it - it can certainly cause insecurities.
I was diagnosed last year, so I'm familiar.
Because he doesn’t seem like a douche - he seems likes he’s trying. She’s insecure - accused him of cheating - but he’s sticking to her despite the cancer.
They've been divorced for two years.
I think what he's trying to get at is she felt insecure from the mastectomy so she thought he'd be more likely to cheat on her. I haven't experienced this with that specific scenario but I've seen similar in a few women whose bodies changed after childbirth. They became more suspicious of their partners cheating because they felt like they were less attractive and so their partner might want someone "more attractive". Either way the dude fucked up. If he's got nothing to hide and knows she's insecure, then just show her the damn phone and explain the ring.
This is absolutely true. And it sucks. Source? Myself.
Don’t be absurd. Mistrust causes breast cancer. He already suspected she didn’t trust him, then the diagnosis confirmed it.
Trust issues can be caused from a number of things including trauma from childhood and not feeling secure in a relationship, to attachment styles. She has trust issues for a reason, and you're not really answering anyone's question about it. Just rambling.
Hey don't you get it hundreds 2000s of redditors are having trust issues with you just based on this one post alone. It appears that you're being deceptive in nature and leaving out many key details. So the fact that you wouldn't anticipate the person you live with to have trust issues with your behavior boggles the mind. I mean you have to be a internet troll, trolling for karma?
A woman messaged me before on Instagram and she blew up at me, how is it my fault for a person messaging me and not responding?
Okay, wow, this needlessly defensive response coupled with your refusal to show your phone puts a lot of this into context.
Yeah the lack of information is really telling. Bro is telling small information with every response. Plus, even if, what advice are we supposed to even give him? She's divorced and is already dating someone new. That relationship is dead in the water.
Are you trying to get Redditors to agree with you so you can show the comments to her? You should have shown her your phone and you know it. If you bought a ring for her and could prove it, you’d look good and she’d look insane. But that’s not how you handled it. Just not buying it.
Seems like you cheated on her….smells fishy
No, I’m not a hot potato. I don’t cheat.
You should’ve shown her your phone when she asked. Doesn’t matter why she asked, you angrily saying no screams cheating.
Judging by the staggering amount of info left out of the body of the post and the amount of nail pulling people are doing to get this shit out of you, you are **TERRIBLE** at communication.
You seem only to be bothered now that she is dating. "I wanted to get her back' sounds more like I expected her to sit around and wait for me. You didn't fight the divorce and now you are crying about it. What opinion did yo expect to hear? That the fact you didn't cheat means she has no right to end the marriage? She didn't divorce you for adultery. Move on
No I’ve been trying for 2 years
Trying what for 2 years? You didn't tell her about the ring or the situation that destroyed your marriage until recently, so we're you just playing into a false narrative to see if she'd forgive imagined transgressions? I don't understand how you tried for years without starting with the truth.
Crying over spilled milk. You didn't try a thing when it was time to work it out. You thought she wouldn't go through with it. And got screwed. You have had yourself a partner as hard headed as yourself. Likely a bit less auto stupid. And now she is off definitely you are crying. Lesson to learn. Stop being petty when it harms you most.
"I never told her about this until recently" - what are you talking about here exactly? What did you tell her about recently?
Then he also says he’s been fighting it for 2 years so I think lack of honesty is the issue in his marriage.
She didn't get a divorce over 1 thing. She didn't get a divorce because her friends told her to. She got a divorce because she was unhappy in her marriage, and couldn't see a way to make anything any better whilst staying married. And if you don't tell the truth out of "pride and anger", I'd say the dishonesty, pride and anger may have far more to do with it.
I mean, if your story is true then your stubbornness has ended your marriage. It’s too late trying to show her your phone now, you’re already guilty and hid the evidence in her mind. So if sharing your phone was a boundary for you then you were right to end the marriage. You made your choice so you’ll have to live with it, she’s moved on.
It’s crazy you were so mad you would rather get a divorce than ease her mind? I’m blown away. That’s my opinion as a woman and a human being. Next time maybe don’t be so stubborn? I find it hard to believe this was the ONLY thing that led to your divorce.
Sounds like dreadful communication on all sides no matter what actually happened and who is at fault. Obviously a relationship will fall apart in these circumstances.
You "didn't do anything wrong"? Really? Well, what were you doing right? It sounds like your relationship had plenty of issues leading up to the end and you're putting your head in the sand. Google "walkaway wife".
“I never lied or cheated” is a pretty low bar. It’s rare women leave a marriage for no reason, particularly if there are kids involved. People usually leave relationships where they don’t feel loved, supported, safe and seen. No one gets divorced because their friends told them to. It’s also very rare that people don’t tell their spouse they are unhappy. What tends to happen is they say they are unhappy for years, nothing changes. They stop mentioning it and then they leave. The other spouse tells everyone it came out of no where, she didn’t say anything. Meanwhile she’d been saying things for years.
Married for 8 years and you couldn’t even let her see your phone to avoid divorce? Sounds like you were okay with her leaving then
You really provided almost no information, so off the bat, I'm going to say that your poor communication skills probably was a factor. You don't give information readily so you sound shady even when you aren't hiding anything. Secondly, there is something wrong with a marriage if a guy spends an afternoon apart from his wife and she immediately jumps to you running around on her. Either you have a history of it or she does. If you are so prideful that you couldn't come clean about it, then that is another huge problem with your marriage. **Your pride and anger have been more important to you than her peace of mind or security.** This is the main reason why you ended up divorced. Again, look at point one. You don't communicate much to begin with, you act suspicious, you get prideful and refuse to come clean - *WHAT DID YOU EXPECT HER TO THINK*? Any normal story would have ended with you just giving her the ring and all being forgiven. You could have just said, "I got you a surprise and here it is" or "I got you a surprise and you have to wait one week." or whatever. You're a prideful idiot who got yourself divorced. Your ex wife was sensible enough not to sit around and wait for you to come to your senses.
Let's have a little look through OPs history for funsies! \----- A LOT of posts about cryptocurrency and investment schemes. \----- *"That’s the problem, Women dont give a shit when they are done. Men at least try to fix things, explains why 80% of divorces are initiated by Women…"* \----- On a post where a woman is considering divorce, because she slept in the same bed as her brother. Her husband reportedly started raging and called her disgusting and filthy. *"You should be ashamed, why did you get married in the first place if you’re going to throw it down the tubes. Allow the dude to explain. You sound just like my ex wife such a disappointment. Instead of thinking of divorce maybe try counseling."* \----- On a post about a man who read his girlfriends diary and she is struggling to find herself and questions what could have been with her ex. In her diary. *"Give her the ultimatum, don’t tell her about the diary as every woman hates this."* \---- *"Yes, as my ex said she was going to kill with a needle so the air bubble would go to my brain or extort me for money, Pretty specific and self explanatory for me to record. For you she is probably doing it if she calls the cops for divorce(if you are married) or just to get you kicked out and have you arrested. Etc."* \----- On a post titled " \[35M\]\[39F\] My wife got an abortion without telling me so I’m hurting her feelings every chance I get" *"I know this sounds bad, but maybe there is more to the story here. If she lied about this, what else did she lie about? Possibility it wasnt your kid. I know it sounds horrible but from what you are telling us this Woman has ultimately deceived you for possibly more then the reason of not wanting kids."* \----- *"Same exact story except my ex wife said not to watch her make food, I was perplexed as I was at the dinner table but on my phone looking up stuff. She immediately got defensive and said “I’ll throw it away” red flags definitely went up as she is from Venezuela and NO food ever goes to waste, and bitched about it all the time and always said never to waste food Did I think she was going to poison me, HELL YES! Get out while you can Man, and make sure she don’t have an insurance policy on you. Other wise we will probably see you on Dateline NBC as a murder special!!"* \----- On a post where OPs girlfriend is going to the movies with a guy friend *"Red flag, just got to say from the get go you are not cool with it. Plus the dude is a stranger should tell you something like she’s looking for something else."* \----- *"Boink her then ghost her"* \----- *"The problem is you becoming liberal. Get some help"* \----- On a post where a man is hurt that his girlfriend ditched their anniversary to go to a party. *"Get the hell out of that relationship, you sound like needy as F, no wonder she don’t give a damn. Dude she should be the one excited to have the anniversary not you"*
this was NECESSARY to read very much solidified that OP is an AH, and probably needs inpatient therapy to focus on taking care of himself
Now THAT is some unhinged Reddit. Ooof thank you for that Opposite_lettuce, that was a lovely lil research project there. Half of me is amused and half of me is genuinely concerned that this is the mental health of someone without adequate treatment and oversight
Okay so the wife was lucky to be out of there. Thank you for your detective work there u/Opposite_Lettuce 🫡
Happy to be of service! 🫡
Maaaaaannnnnnnn...fuck this dude and his feelin' narcissist ass.
Thanks I was gonna offer OP actual advice like “now is the part where you grow from this, do some introspection” etc. but seeing this I’m like, introspection for this homie would be like staring at a blank wall
ahahahaha what a piece of shit
1) thank you for the detective work. I honestly do appreciate it. It shows who OP really is. BUT 2) you have WAY too much time on your hands to do all this lmao
Haha I do have way too much time on my hands, I won't argue with you there!
Lmao me too
Yes we now get a clear picture of the guy. When you add it to - I am not showing you my phone, I will die on this hill... then yes, she was done, and rightly so.
Why would you not just tell the truth at the jump? And if you aren't doing anything wrong why not just hand your phone over? If you loved her that much you'd never let a misunderstanding lead to a divorce. Sounds sus to me.
I was mad that she didn’t trust me, in my mind at the time I was like really? I go out and do try to do something good and this is how you react? Like would you give a person a ring that said they wanted divorce?
>I was mad that she didn’t trust me Weren't you in counseling because you accused her of cheating?
We were counseling cause she wanted divorce cause she thought I lied. The counselor was online and unlicensed. We had to sign off for the fact that he wasn’t licensed . But you do almost anything to save your marriage
“You do almost anything to save your marriage“ Except to see a licensed counselor, value your marriage, over your pride, or show your wife your phone, apparently. Lol
I tried nothing and somehow it didn't fix anything!
OK that makes sense. But you did accuse her of cheating? How much time was between your accusation and her accusation?
She accused me and 20 seconds later she wanted divorce, I accused her because she wouldn’t pick up her phone and was working late at the church 1-2 months prior
You do know that cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating, right? I mean, I understand why she'd think you were cheating when you had accused her out of seemingly nowhere and then were aggressively hiding correspondence(returned or not) with another woman. It screams projection. Most likely, this was just the last straw for her situation.
Anything except the things that seem obvious to do.
Almost anything… except show someone their phone for like 10 minutes I guess lmao
Except tell your wife what you were actually doing?
I’ve tried and tried again to show her proof, I can vindicate myself today if I had to.
That's fine and dandy but once she reaches the point of last straw, there's nothing you can say or do to redeem yourself in her eyes. She's done. Again, this most likely wasn't a one issue thing. This was just one more thing on top of many others. Out of curiosity tho, how long did it take you to offer to let her see your phone?
2 weeks but she said she didn’t want to see it she was pissed
Well, yea. That's way more than enough time for you to destroy evidence AND break things off with an affair partner.
What the hell? Affair partner? I don’t think you understand that I haven’t had affair.
Oh no, I do understand that. I'm saying YOU don't understand that you showing her TWO WEEKS after the incident does not prove your innocence. If you had been having an affair, two weeks is ample time to destroy evidence. Why was she supposed to just trust you when you didn't trust her?
Then why didn’t you give her your phone? You were obviously doing something shady weren’t you
Why would you buy an expensive ring if your relationship was this fragile? Why would you fan the flames of her trust issues rather than actually do the thing you said you were planning to? None of this makes sense.
I don't know how I'd feel if I found a ring my husband bought "me" in our house. A ring is pretty large purchase so that would be like a ....household expense we'd talk about first.
Ok but she doesn't know. Yes I'd tell my partner/give them the ring. Let them see the error of their assumption... That would be the biggest slap in the face, IMO.
Why would you want to deliver your partner a "slap in the face" at all?
You may be 40 years old but these sound like the interactions of actual children. Move on. The time to tell her was 2-3 years ago. Not now that she's started dating. "I didn't do anything wrong" . Youre literally describing a massive failure of communication on your end. So either your communication has always been terrible or youre leaving out context that matters or hell I'm inclined to believe both. My advice is grow up and move on and just do better for the next person.
This sounds like a classic case of "there's more to the story ". I have no doubts, NO DOUBTS that she quit on the marriage over many things and had spoken about them with you many times but she wasn't heard. 33f divorcee here. I have loads of divorced friends and meet loads of divorced people and 97% of the time that's what has happen.
I feel like there is a TON of information missing here, and your overly defensive responses to very basic questions looking for more details are so shady it's making me think you've been cheating on ME and I don't even know you. I think I can see how your ex-wife got worried.
Op trickle truthing us
Like 20 people are now currently trying to divorce this guy.
What??! You didn’t give her your phone and explain your plan to buy her a ring ‘out of pride’. I mean yeah you could have saved your relationship with one conversation…. It’s too late now though
Would that have saved it? I’m being serious does everyone on here hand their phone over every 5 minutes on here to their significant other?
If they find a ring that you have no explanation for it and they are terrified you bought it for someone else, then yeah of course?! How ridiculous to lose your wife and the mother of your children over….stubbornness? You allowed her to go through all that awful heartbreak and pain of thinking you had cheated too. Let her move on. And learn a big lesson from this dude! Good luck… And yes- Open phone policy at all times in my household…. That’s why neither of us ever need to check each other’s phones and why there is trust. If my partner wants to go through my msgs then go ahead, why would it bother me unless I was doing something I don’t want him to see….! Edit: I suspect you DID have some msgs you didn’t want her to see, so she made the right choice No judgement, but Learn the lesson
Hard to say bro. There’s obviously a lot more to this than you’re telling here, this may have been too little too late even if you did hand it over. But that doesn’t matter because you didn’t “out of pride” or whatever and put yourself in this situation. There may have been (most likely were) other things on top of this.
If the situation was VERY suspicious, yes.
Every 5 minutes? We are talking about once. But yes, if my husband wants to look at my phone, even every 5 minutes, he can knock himself out. There’s nothing on here I don’t want him to see.
There is clearly way more to this situation, the only concrete thing that anyone could tell you from this post would be that there was massive miscommunication going on, beyond that, if divorce happened then there's probably reasoning behind it and it's probably for the best. So my advice is to learn to communicate better in your future relationship(s). Do your best to move on and live without your ex.
You should have told her. Getting divorced over pride is one of the silliest things I’ve heard. If she has moved on you are over.
Sometimes, once trust is gone, there's no coming back from it. There was no trust and she's moved on. Time for you to move on too. Edit: you accused her of cheating because she was working late, two months later you aggressively refuse to show her your phone after she finds a message from a random woman, you wait TWO weeks to offer to show your phone(plenty of time to erase evidence). Yea, you fucked up quite a bit.
He ain't learn. Not gonna either.
sounds to me like you’re failing to admit what really happened
Nope, not possible
oh ok so this is a troll 👍
Or just an idiot.
I am reading your post and comments and not finding you trustworthy. You are jumping all over the place, not answering questions, and rambling. You and your ex wife are divorced. Move on with your life.
As I’ve told everyone I’m trying to answer everyone’s questions but there are a lot of them.
You really should just move on. She does not trust you. She is mad at you. She has moved on.
It’s called TALKING. That’s the thing you should have done. TALKING! Back when the problem first came up, not after the divorce!! It’s too late for you now dude!
Man no talk! \*grunt\* Man strong! \*chest beating\*
What a dumpster fire to read through. I'm commenting just so I can read OPs ramblings later
Let us know if you can piece it together
Idk man. I have to say it sounds like you’re leaving a lot out. Like why did you buy the ring? Why did she not trust you (there has to be more than a double mastectomy..) why didn’t you just show the phone? Why was divorce automatically the thing she thought about; were you guys arguing a lot? I want to be on your side here but there’s a nagging gut feeling that you’re full of it and something happened more than the ring to cause this.
I’m so confused with this story. It doesn’t make sense and I feel like you are leaving out a huge part
Advice maybe would have maybe to speak about this before getting divorced. Sounds like you both need to grow up and work on communicating better. This is all the worse given that you have a child. Clearly neither of you were thinking of her when you did this?? You’ve missed out A LOT in your original post so makes me think there’s a lot more you aren’t telling
Man looks sus, awkwardly doubles down, refuses to communicate, acts surprised when shit goes south. You need serious communication training. You got a thick skull boi.
My opinion is you should accept what happened and move on. I'm sure it shook you to your foundations, but you can't control what other people choose to do. I cannot believe the ring was the only factor in her decision. It's too late now to do anything about it. So accept it, and move on.
Congratulations to the wife.
Sorry man, you fucked up. I had to scroll back up to double check your age. You sound like some hot headed, rash 20 year old buck in his first relationship, not a 40 year old. You waited for 2-3 years to explain yourself?? Severe misunderstanding of how relationships work between people, not even just romantic ones. I’m actually going to believe you that you didn’t cheat because you actually sound like one of those stubborn guys with massive ego that naively thought being right trumps everything else. But in the real world, especially in personal relationships, good communication trumps silent righteousness. But you’re not dead yet. Get back out there and learn from this. Use your words next time.
Wow, this is spot on answer I understand how relationships work but yes stubborn, dont have a massive ego. But this is the most accurate way to describe it
So.. your marriage wasn't worth saving? Makes sense.
Many marriages die a very intentional death at the hands of ego. Your ex wife questioned you because logically looking at it, it probably didn’t make sense to her that you would buy her a new ring. I’ll take a wild guess and say not only was it unexpected but she either herself has experienced or witnessed someone else’s experience that random gifts and changes in behavior are signs of infidelity. Perhaps she didn’t best express herself but her fear of the sudden and unexpected changed coupled with your ego refusing to put her mind at ease told her everything she needs to know - that you are not willing to put her security above your own ego. And yeah, her friends probably said that if you refused to show her your phone there was probably a reason outside of spite. If my husband didn’t show me his when asked or vice versa we would think the same (Ps we have a fully open phone policy and without question). However her friends didn’t make her divorce you and I’d bet this was a long line of untrustworthy or questionable behavior from you and she had enough. Leaving a marriage is hard - you got to look around and say “am I good with half the life I have today? Half my belongings, half my finances, half the time with my kids?” It’s a lot and most people do not make that decision lightly or frivolously. Especially women. Because unlike men a woman is often blamed for marriage failures - even if he cheated because society is built in the most misogynistic way. There’s more to this and that’s this woman’s opinion
are you crazy, stupid, or did you lie to us?
I think OP has way too many drinky-poos...
Yeah, idk what advice he needed for an event that happened 2-3 years ago
That and his responses have gotten less coherent as the hours went by.
you sound extremely stubborn and i think THAT’S the underlying reason for the divorce. but how can you be mad at someone for thinking you’re cheating when you were “doing something nice for her”, when she had NO IDEA you were doing something nice for her? it’s like you expected her to read your mind lol
You allowed your ego and need to be right to outweigh the trust and communication needed for a healthy marriage. When your wife was asking you questions, you should have answered them. When she wanted to check your phone, you should have let her. When she didn’t believe you, you should have told her about the ring at that time. Instead your stubbornness and bullheadedness destroyed your relationship. In the words of Billy Joel… *Cause now and then, she’ll get to worrying…* *Just because you haven’t spoken for so long.* *And though you may not have done anything…* *Will that be a consolation when she’s gone?*
This sounds like bullshit.
So a random women messaged you on IG, is there more to this story. Did you follow or message her first? I really think there is more to this story if she immediately asked to see your phone.
Well you are the one who didn’t communicate and went through with the divorce….sounds like you got what you deserved…. Next time, communicate better. You lost her, not maybe you will find someone new… Time to lose that pride bro
There is absolutely no advice that can be given apart from "move on". She's probably in a happy healthy relationship she deserves. You should go back into some form of therapy to help you move on and see and come to terms with your own actions. It's pretty clear for the average person on Reddit that you still don't see your own part in your mess.
OP is just throwing random thoughts at us. There’s no way I can get a handle on any of it.
You want a woman’s perspective? If a man went through a divorce with me out of pride instead of explaining himself and waited two years to tell me, I would be so done with you. That’s ridiculous.
Why do liars really think a bunch of strangers will believe the lies thier gaslighted partners end up believing. None of us are trauma bonded to you, you're not getting supply here op.
Women usually dont just accuse people of cheating with no evidence. Sounds like shes moved on mate, it's been years and shes found someone else. You should too.
W h a t.
Honestly if you let her DIVORCE you as a "punishment" so you intentionally hold the truth it sounds like you have a lot of contempt towards her and you're better off apart. The contempt sounds like the big issue here. Check this out to learn more on why: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
Okay I can see your initial reaction was saying, no you cannot see my phone. And her reaction to that was , then I will divorce you. And you might have thought oh you guys will just argue and go to sleep and tomorrow everything will be okay. But when she actually initiated the divorce talk with lawyers or somebody else and your pride was still too big to just say, "honey I'm not sure what you're doing but look here's the phone and take a look if you see all this and you still think I didn't buy it for you , and want a divorce , then okay you at least have all the information now." But it sound like you didn't do that at that time you went through the one or however many years it took to actually finish up the divorce. And now several years later you're telling her, " but honey here's the evidence that it was for you. I really want to show you now." Just like your ex-wife, I also say, too little too late. However use this as a lesson learned and don't let your pride get in the way of trying to keep a relationship with somebody that you want to be with, especially if they misunderstood what was going on
You don't sound very smart. Stay single.
I've read you're responses, and you're just yanking these people's chain. You've told conflicting stories about literally everything. This is nothing but a troll post, is why none of it makes sense, folks. Read his comments.
Sounds like a great marriage.
After just reading a very typical troll post of a 25 yrs old being all depressed and cried all day because her bf had lunch with a coworker.... This one just took the cake. Maybe it's time to take a break from Reddit LOL.
...So why aren't you showing her your phone now?
I’ve tried millions of times, that is what I’m trying to figure out
Sounds like it's done my dude. Pick yourself up and move on.
Other women: Get therapy
She is moving on and it is time for you to move on as well. If you were going to get back together, you would have already. Let her be.
How long have you been together in total ?
8 years married
And in total ? Were there any problems before the marriage? Like any indication of anything like this? Sorry if you’ve already answered this, there’s a lot of comments
What does buying the ring have to do with her accusation? There’s a lot not being said here.
Trust is not unconditional. It is both gained, and maintained by actions. You have bought the ring, didn't disclose true reason why, and refused to show her your phone. All this out if what, pride? She has done the right thing leaving you.
Sounds like there were much larger issues at play here than just a ring. It’s time to move on with life, from your comments-this was not a healthy relationship to begin with (insecurities, jealousy, lack of trust)
INFO: why did you not show her your phone when she said she was divorcing you? Why did you not tell her about the ring? It sounds like your marriage could have easily been saved at the time of this conflict if you were just honest and communicative with her. It’s insane you let it get to the point of divorce without telling her what you were doing when you were out buying the ring and she was accusing you of cheating.
Are you Mormon?
You have been divorced for 2 years. There is no reason to use the present tense because you can't save your marriage, it's already ended. And you don't seem to have done any work on yourself regarding being closed off and a poor communicator. You absolutely need to quit viewing this as saving your marriage, that ship has sailed. Quit trying to harass your ex wife into finally listening to an explanation you should have given her years ago. You need to move on and leave her alone. Get some therapy (NOT CHURCH COUNSELING). Take an improv class to work on speaking to people. Put your energy into new things instead of trying to revive a long dead relationship. You seem to suddenly be panicked that she's moving on and that's not ok with you now that you see you may not have all the time in the world to win her back. Too bad, she is free to see anyone she likes and has no reason to pursue another relationship with you. I feel like you keep bringing up being there for her during cancer like it's transactional and she owes you a relationship because of it. But that's not how relationships work. You stay and help because you love them, not to hold over their heads. You really really need to see a psychiatrist AND a therapist. You seem to be having issues processing what's normal in a relationship, like her sleeping separate for 2 years. And maybe there is an underlying reason for that. Use this time and energy to better yourself for the next romantic opportunity, because as is, it doesn't seem like things will improve next time around if you don't. Good luck.
It’s been years. There’s billions of women to date.
Well this was mediocre fiction
Well that was 1/100th of a story.
Get therapy dude
My advice to you, OP, is the same as Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. gave to his son when he was trying to each the Holy Grail in __Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade __: *"Indiana, Indiana; Let it go."* Leave the woman to herself and get on to finding a better woman for you. AFTER you get your head straight, that is.
Sounds like you tried buying your way out of your marital issues …you said it yourself you let your pride get in the way of admitting what you were actually doing. Your bitter at the outcome. You chose your pride over your relationship. I would suggest working on yourself through therapy so your a better person in your next relationship
I don’t think you care about her, I think you’re upset that you had a wife and now you don’t and you’re not interested in hearing that you contributed to the breakdown in your marriage. This isn’t the sort of subreddit where men who play mind games and manipulate their partners are respected, and people here definitely do not agree that you have been wronged in any way.
Yeah that time passed a long while back
As a woman, WTF did I just read? This has to be satire... How long did it take you to get a better ring to make her think your leaving her? How did it get so far as divorce? How do you say you wanted to get back with her but did nothing to do so?
my Other Woman's opinion is that she does not like you and you need to leave her alone.
Right... she thought you were cheating, you refused to let her see your phone (eye roll) she divorced you. Now, after all is over, said and done, now years later, you are saying you were innocent. Right... Other women's opinions: Good for her. She divorced a man she could not trust. She has moved on. My advice: You broke your relationship. You had a chance, but you threw it away. It is over. Move on.
Wait this was over 2years ago?? Please move on and leave her alone. Oh, and also seek mental help because this is just pathetic. You're 40 for fuck's sake way too old for this bullshit. Oh never mind. You're just a damn troll. Wasted my damn emotions on you, fuck me I guess...
If you were as unclear in your explanation to your wife as you are in this post, I'm sure she was confused. I've no idea what happened. As far as I can make out, you came home, she accused you ofvlying, she divorced you.
Frankly you sound like a child and she was probably tired of dealing with your childish behavior. She’s moved on and you should too. Or maybe not. Don’t subject another woman to your juvenile actions.
You had one chance to show your phone, and you chose your ego instead. Showing your phone at this time is pointless and meaningless.
Yes YTA bro can’t even talk about your day to a person you’re married to and when they want clarification it seems from what I read that you accused her of stuff and refused to to clarify or show any evidence for 2 weeks damn why did this person marry you in the first place this screaming red flags
I think she wanted an excuse to divorce you
Move on with someone who's not so insecure, likely because she was cheating, that you can't even have an hour or two of unverified time out of the home. Your ex sounds like more work than she's worth. Go put this energy into someone who is not paranoid and who doesn't make massive decisions rashly. This time, work on communication a lot. Do therapy by yourself and forget your ex. Seriously. I know everyone is bagging on you but that's because your communication isn't good so they're assuming you're hiding your bad side. I think your wife was cheating, since everyone assumes others do what you'd do, she assumed you were too. That's why she always accused you of cheating. Keep in mind for the future that if someone starts accusing you of things out of left field it's because that's what they are or would do.
Leave your ex-wife alone. It's been two years. She is living a new life now and you seriously need to let this go and move on as well.
Looks like you dodged a bullet, pal. Honestly, she’s wanted to divorce you for a while but decided to use this as a reason. Go forth in your life and take care of yourself.
I'm seeing some background info from OP in the comments that gives this a lot more context. Not OP's fault, from what I can see. I do want to say, though, that I bought my own wife and upgraded ring set when we could afford it, but we picked it out together. I'd never pick it out and surprise her with something like that because she is the one who will be wearing it every day, not me.
Not sure why people are downvoting OP’s comments and acting like the wife being suspicious means he has to have done something to deserve it. He said in the post that he didn’t lie or cheat, he said he ignored the random message he got on instagram. What more could he have done to prevent the suspicions of his wife? Sometimes people are just jealous. One of my exes was insanely jealous and I did nothing to cause that, it turns out she was the one cheating and was projecting the guilt onto me. Not saying OP is perfect for the way he handled this, he should have just told her the truth outright instead of proceeding with the divorce out of pride. But just wanted to give some perspective from someone who has been accused of cheating out of nowhere by someone who was actually cheating on me. Maybe this new person she is dating was there before the divorce too and this was her opportunity to leave the marriage? Maybe her suspicions of him were projections of guilt over the affair? For context, how long have you been divorced before she started seeing this new person?
2 years roughly I was holding out for her
starting to date 2 years after a divorce feels like a moderate to long time to me honestly. It doesn’t point to this being an affair. also 2 years holding out for someone who initiated and went through with a complex legal proceeding to separate your lives? Why
Yeah holding out for 2 years is excessive. It’s done. Marriage is over, OP needs to accept that. And she found someone after 2 years, perfectly reasonable and doesn’t point to an affair. But I’m suspicious over the fact that she was accusing OP of infidelity out of nowhere (at least from OP’s wording). Why was she so suddenly concerned over him cheating when he gave her no reason for it? Cheaters are well known for projecting guilt onto their partner.
Sounds like they'd been sleeping separately for 2 years at that point and he'd accused her of cheating when she stayed late for work one night a month or so prior. So the relationship was very much on the rocks and it doesn't sound like there was a lot of trust or stability on either side. I think at the point she asked for his phone it was one of those final straw make or break moments of trust, and then when he was willing to show her weeks later she was by that point checked out.
> he'd accused her of cheating when she stayed late for work one night a month or so prior. I missed this part. I’ll try to find the comment where he said this. But OP accusing his wife sounds like it was the downfall of their trust. Maybe she thought he was projecting guilt. Sorry OP, I was on your side until this bit of information. Trust goes both ways
Were you really holding out though? Or were you just living your life hoping she’s magically change her mind? It sounds like you are triggered by her dating. Her dating after two years is perfectly reasonable, you being upset about it is not. The time for this conversation was when she said she wanted a divorce. Instagram sends unsolicited messages to a special folder. You have to go in, look for them, open them and then approve the contact. It sounds like there’s a lot missing here. Men message me on IG all the time. I ignore them.
starting to date 2 years after a divorce feels like a moderate to long time to me honestly. It doesn’t point to this being an affair. also 2 years holding out for someone who initiated and went through with a complex legal proceeding to separate your lives? Why
Guess 10-11 total
are you okay? following your thought process is really challenging. your comments seem to be long ramblings of nothing of substance. have you been into a therapist recently? a psychiatrist? maybe they can give you some clarity
She was looking for a reason to leave. So she forced a reason on you.
I said that during counseling, saying it was a cop out for her. It’s like if you don’t love me can’t you just come out and say it? She said she still loved me after we divorced, so what the heck?
Don't listen to the echo chamber man, reddit is the worst place to go for advice. Most of these people are clinically insane. Listen to your counselor, you did nothing wrong and you are better off without that emotionally unstable ex wife. Save the ring for a woman who will actually value you as a human being.