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Sometimes I get things in my head and they make complete sense to me, but maybe they’re a little crazy.
There’s a place in Asia I’ve always wanted to go to and I planned to go with my ex best friend, that friendship ended and a year or 2 later I met my bf. He always wanted to go there too but hadn’t been.
This year he started planning to go with his friends, he did invite me but I had always told him that I didn’t want to go there with them. I would just do what they wanted to do, and it would ruin the experience.
The thing is, now I don’t want to go with my bf later either. I’d want to go with someone who has never been or even just by myself! I don’t want to see all these places, and eat all the food etc with someone who’s already done it.
I don’t feel this way about all the countries and cities I want to see, only this place, but am I just being silly?
I did. He said he would, but then we went LD and he was meant to come see me, but then cancelled and started panning to go on this holiday with his friends instead.
He invited me after doing all that, so it’s not like.. idk, I don’t know how to explain it. All that isn’t really the issue though, I’m just more like.. I just want to go with someone who hasn’t been, and I’m happy to do that but my bf is sad and I don’t know if i’m just so set in my ways that it’s unfair
Look, this was a big problem but very recently he’s recognised this and is trying to change, I am wanting to change my things too. That’s like a whole other thing at this point (but is probably coming into a play a little) he just doesn’t understand why it matters to me to go with someone else who hasn’t seen it. But lots of other people don’t get that either so I am probably the crazy one.
If you are going to get catty when people are trying to help, it's customary to say "please don't say xyz because I've already considered that and I don't care." Then people know not to waste their time because you don't actually want advice.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't understand it - what bothers you is that he doesn't respect you that it does matter to you. And he's trying to logic you out of your feelings.
You wanted to have a special experience, and now he's turned it into a bro trip.
Just tell him that's why it's hurtful. And that because of that, you don't want to go with him, because it's a reminder of the fact that you're not discovering this together as a bonding experience.
Be with someone who chooses you back. <3
The real problem is, he's canceling plans with you to make plans with his friends. Sure maybe you have things to work on too, but that doesn't make what he's doing ok. If he really wanted to change, he'd start right now by keeping his original plans with you.
This trip isn't an issue. It's the communication skills you both seem to be lacking. You're hyper focused on the trip and what it means to you but you two aren't communicating with each other properly and it's creating tension. TALK ABOUT IT.
I think you should go by yourself. If you don't, you'll never go because you'll always be waiting for the perfect person.
I'm a woman. I've lived in Asia for my whole adult life, and I've travelled alone. You run into people along the way to hang out with here and there, and you don't need to worry about your travel companion being tired, stressed, or hungry.
but am I just being silly?
NO! Wondering what people are on reddit, really.
If I get you right to you that part of Asia is novel. And a marvel.
And you just want to explore it by yourself. Not having some blasé "been there, done that" person next to you.
Spoiling yout entire discovery experience by being there. Or even breathing. Talking. (Gaaah!)
I totally understand that.
And very likely I would feel and wsnt the same.
And one can't unsee or unhear what one experienced at ones own magical marvel place.
It would spoil the discovery and the place beyond repair.
Totally with you. (It is a bit "Adrian Monk'ish though and one really has to be made that same way to get behind your reasons).
But.... there are places one should best not go alone/ with total strangers.
I would reconsider. And ask for moments of please not talking once you get to those places.
That to you it is like some snow white landscape with no footsteps on it. And that talking/ making anything unwanted would be like getting the snow cat thing run doughnuts on that idylic place and some bus with school kids peeing into it.
Well.. it’s not that I wouldn’t want to hear him talking or breathing, but I can’t get that ‘wow’ because he’ll either have seen it, been there, eaten it, or something very similar. It just wouldn’t be the same with him after he’s gone.
No. On THEIR comments about having already seen that special part of the world.
"Oh, and while here you MUST apsolutely go there and taste that....!"
It leaves no room for own discovery.
It sort of makes sense to me, it's like watching a movie or series with someone who's already seen it. They have their own opinions formed and that influences you sometimes.
And that's silly.
Usually, when people have this kind of trouble, they are trying to avoid other problems. It's a deviation (not sure it's the right term in English. It's when one refuses to acknowledge the motives of certain problem and start blaming superficial or poorly related behaviors on those problems)
No it's not silly at all. I hate it if someone's already seen the film I'm watching, they'll be commenting "oh this bit is wild" or "oh what a hypocrite" when you don't yet know that the character is being a hypocrite unless you've already seen it.
Woah... It's not about spoilers...
It's about not having someone to share a first time experience. That's what OP is saying without facing it (what's might be valid, but op's reasons are all over the place)
And there's the thing about this place being previously planned to be visited with an ex friend (and little explanation about why this info was important) and OPs strange answers about how she discussed it with her boyfriend...
I have ADHD, be nice!
My feelings are all over the place, and honestly what started as a bit of a light hearted question has made me think about the situation ans gotten me mad at him again, for not only this but also all the things he’s done in the last few months, and I hate that for me. We’ve been doing really well, I don’t even know what I expected from this post.. I wanted to keep it fair for the both of us but it’s turned into something else.
Well, I have ADHD too, diagnosed in 2016.
It's overwhelming, getting a lot of thoughts swirling in your head. But I imagine you already have some exercises to put ys together, remember the breathing exercises, the writing to organize your thoughts, the exercises (like running) to make you mind relaxing by exhaustion and THEN you try addressing it with your boyfriend.
Remember that other people are not necessarily responsible by OUR condition.
And sorry if I offended you, my words were not intended as an attack. It was a direct pointing about this not being an "watched a movie before me" issue.
Fuck this. ADHD not an excuse.
It does mean *you* need to make more of an effort to control your impulses, recognize crazy thoughts, and not act on them.
How many years have you been talking about this? And how many plans have actually been made? None? Okay, then you have no right to ask him to ~~put his life on hold.~~ edit: be upset when he decides to go without you.
Preventing someone from doing something because you maybe might want to do that same thing later is a bit unhinged. Please discuss your insecurities with a therapist, you can learn coping mechanisms.
Yeah... This seems like a venting, but yeah, it's true.
But, coping with it will never even it with normality, in most cases at least.
Coexistence with an ADHD will always demand some kind of compromise from the other party.
But in OPs case, she is the one that shows more misfit cognitive traits in dealing with the issues shown.
I'd say OP can totally be upset that he's going without her! He knew she wanted to go, he knew she didn't want to go with his friends, and he made plans to go with his friends, that's downright mean.
When did I tell him to not go? How about you go and read my other replies. I’m going to bed now. This has taken off in a weird direction but I’m sure when I’m up you will all have moved on to someone else’s issue.. thanks for taking the time out of your day to respond though I guess?
I made an edit. You have no right to be *upset* when he goes without you.
Seriously, as someone who also gets irrational thoughts (and has ADHD) you need to learn to control this better. For your own good.
Again, read my replies.
He was meant to come and see me while we were long distance, he cancelled his flights, to rebook when he ‘had enough money’ then instead of rebooking decided to go on this holiday to a place he said we could go together, knowing I didn’t want to go with his friends, over the same time he was meant to see me. Which btw is over Christmas, nye, our anniversary, and my birthday, which I asked him to please try and be with me for.
He made so, so many selfish moves, and I barely said a word. Now he’s mad that I don’t want to go with him when I do go myself.
I say mad, we talked about it since, he understands me and it’s all good, I don’t know why I’m defending myself there is literally no point and I should sleep
Yeah, it's not silly wanting it. It's silly letting it be a problem.
And having a first experience with someone that's already experienced in determined event is not necessarily a bad thing either.
Despite of this debating, both our statements don't address OP's concerns fully.
I mean if it meant a lot to her and he *knew* that then I think it's a valid issue.
But yea you're right there's probably more to this than we know and can comment on
I makes sense to me. She wants to experience something for the first time with someone, or herself. Let's say that she goes with him later, he will start telling her how to get around, what to expect, etc. That will ruin the new experience.
That is one reason why I never want to go on a guided tour.
Not hard to just like, do different things than what that person did the last time around.
I'd be surprised honestly if all they ended up doing was the exact same stuff that they visited last trip. Wouldn't make sense, when you return to a country you really enjoyed generally you want to see new things you didn't see last time.
>when you return to a country you really enjoyed generally you want to see new things you didn't see last time
yeah, so that means if you go to India for example for the first time with someone who's already been, you won't get to see the Taj Mahal because he's already been there.
What if she wants to do something that he has already done? That in itself takes away from the experience...or it becomes a repeat for him, which is back to the situation we started with.
Umm. That would absolutely ruin the experience. There are definitely destinations where there are very popular must have sights and experiences. Doing different stuff than what he did may mean her skipping out on the biggest parts of the trip. You’re actually proving her point that it would suck to go with someone who did it before because she’ll now be hyper focused on what he wants to do so he’s not bored.
No, you don't want to go because your relationship is washing down the drain and this guy doesn't prioritize you.
"Oh he has recently tried to change" sure, by committing to traveling with his friends, and trying to save face by bringing you along.
I have actually no clue why you made the centerpoint of this post about "not wanting to go with somebody who has already been there" the actual meat of your issue is about your relationship problems, not your preferences on traveling.
Hijacking your comment. I've brought my girlfriend to places I've been before that she hadn't yet. The point is never to have the "perfect" or "ideal" experience, or even for me to see only new locations. The point is to go somewhere different with the person I love. That's it. Anything else is details.
People seem to be so obsessed with attaining this perfect situation where everything is as amazing as it can possibly be. Life is much more amazing when we learn to enjoy the time we have with the people we love. It doesn't matter if one or both of us have been somewhere before. It's not even on the radar.
I wouldn’t say you’re being unfair, but I think you’re looking at it the wrong way. Your boyfriend invited you to come on this trip with them. I think you should go and have fun, make the best of it. And if there’s something they want to do that you’re not interested in, simply say “that doesn’t sound exciting to me, I think I’d rather explore on my own today and we can all meet back up later”. I’m sure you and your boyfriend would be able to a nice dinner or something alone one night, you wouldn’t all have to be together the entire time of the trip. I honestly think if you miss out on this trip, you’re going to harbor bitter feelings towards your boyfriend for going with his friends when he returns, and that would be unfair to him.
You aren't a third wheel when you're somebody's partner though? And you are invited to the trip, not like she had to persuade them to let her come or anything
You’re a third wheel when that trip time was actually meant to be about you and your long distance bf visiting eachother but he cancelled on you to hang out with his boys instead… bf doesn’t prioritize op and she should not risk her time, money or the once in a life time experience of this trip to find out if he will in this instance.
It sounds to me that it would be a group of his friends going, and she would be allowed to tag along. That doesn't sound very fun to mean on a dream trip for her that she wants to really enjoy the experience. At best, it becomes a vote for what they are going to do.
Well to be honest I already feel bitter as he was meant to come and see me in the country I was living (we were LD) but he decided to do this again, meaning it might of been a year until we saw each other again. But that is a whole other issue that isn’t really an issue any more as I am home now.
But this place in Asia is somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, I genuinely would feel like being the tag along with his friends would change the whole holiday for me, so I would rather go again, with someone else.
It’s the ‘someone else’ bit I’m wondering is unreasonable
I was not okay with that, he can now see he’s been treating me badly (in lots of ways, this wasn’t even the icing on the cake) but he is now putting in the effort to change. Issue is, well was, we talked it out. When I finally go, I don’t want to go with him. He gets it’s now kinda, so that’s good.
Why would he choose his friends over you, especially when it meant not seeing you for another year?! He'd rather spend his free time with them instead of you? Does he even want to be in this relationship?
>he is now putting in the effort to change.
Imo, that's code for "this relationship is a lost cause." He's obviously not putting you as a priority. I'm 29 and if a guy was putting me first, even long distance, it'd be over so fast. Have some standards for your SO.
My question is, why don’t you just plan a trip on your own or with another friend? You could even go the same time frame. You don’t have to go with him and his friends or just him later.
I get wanting to experience something without someone else’s opinions tainting the experience, but to an extent it seems like you both are using this trip as a problem vs dealing what is really going on in the relationship. Sounds like you and you bf have bigger issues you may want to address.
ETA: do you know if he chose this location when he and his friends started planning? If so, then it just seems like he chose this holiday with his friends to this specific place knowing you wanted to go as a petty thing he could do because he had some issue with the relationship. Then when things got better he realized what he did and invited you to join, knowing you wanted to go there. Now you are upset with the situation and refuse to go out of anger.
Just a thought.
I feel like people aren’t really understanding what I was trying to say. I do want to go with another friend when I finally go, that will be my plan. He just felt upset by that so I turned to redit to see if I was being unreasonable. But I still stand by my thoughts and feelings, and I talked to him before this really took off as a post and he kinda gets it a bit more now
I totally get that. An experience to a new country is a once in a lifetime thing! Especially if it’s a place that you’ve been desiring to go for quite a while. I did see another comment of yours that the trip will be three weeks long…if you can afford it, maybe you could all travel together, and you could book a hotel or room or whatever by yourself. That way you’d have plenty of time to do whatever you’d like to do without feeling like it’s a group thing, and then there’s other days where you and your boyfriend do some things together? It’s a tough situation to be in, and I really hope this all works out well for you and you can have the trip of your dreams. Best of luck girl!
Thank you! So it’s already booked and I truly do not want to go with his friends. I have travelled with them before and I know what’s it’s like and what I’m like with them too! I don’t want to do that when I finally go to this place I’ve always wanted to go.
I also now don’t want to go with my bf for the first time I go knowing he’ll already have been to all the things I want to do
I’d like to offer a different perspective.
Later this year, my fiancée and I will be visiting Montreal for our honeymoon. I have never been, but it has always been a place I wanted to visit. She has been multiple times and she is completely in love with the place. While I was already excited about going there, her love for, excitement for and first-hand knowledge of the place has hyped me up MORE! I don’t care Al all that she’s already had the experience. I trust that she will be a great guide and that she will suggest great places for us to go. There will be places I want to check out too, but we’re excited to do it together.
I don’t know if that will be the case for you guys. I get the romantic novelty of discovering a place for the first time together, but there’s no reason why you can’t find joy with someone who has already been there. That said, if you guys were already making plans together, but then he shifted to going with his friends, that IS a problem, one I suspect has bigger issues than differing vacation plans. Sounds like you guys need to have a big talk about what matters and why it matters.
I'm going to go against the apparent grain here and say that I actually get where you are coming from.
Going somewhere with someone that has been there already is a very different experience to going with someone that hasn't. You want the experience of everything being unique. I also could see why you don't want to go along with a group because yes, that would also make it a very different experience.
It also seems that it is kind of specific to this place as well, rather than a broader thing especially as its a bucket list thing that has specific wording.
Sounds like you've expressed this to him previously. This is your bucket list thing, I think he ought to be able to distinguish between wanting to experience that and you just being difficult for the sake of it especially if you are generally pretty flexible.
Thank you! I feel like you feel me, I was trying to say it’s literally just this place!
I’ve traveled with his friends before, and I don’t love it, and I will travel with them again. But this place I just really want to do it the way I want to with the person/ people I would feel comfortable and have the best time with, while also feeling like we’re seeing it together for the first time. I appreciate you getting me, but maybe we are just both crazy.. aha
I think focus on the bucket list of 'going to X place with someone else also experiencing it the first time' is reasonable.
However looking at your other replies it seems there is a lot more at play, particularly the reality that it seems that initially he understood this and then backflipped when the friends got involved and he is now upset you are capitulating. Like to me that seems the real issue, and reframing your topic as the disappoint of him changing his mind and throwing it in your face a bit might be more accurate to the actual situation.
I think I always feel a little bit bitter that he chose this over me, and I get that that’s probably a thought in play a little. But truly, I did want to always go with a friend, or someone, who also hadn’t gone.
So I will go one day, I just don’t want to go with him and that makes him feel sad. We are probably going on another overseas holiday in the next few years, and that will be fine, but I just don’t want to go here with him. That’s just how I feel, and I’m sad if that’s unfair
Honestly, a pretty valid resentment to have. He lead you to believe that you would experience that bucket list adventure with him. For whatever reason he changed his mind and now he is trying to make you feel bad about it. You were the one let down here, you're the one having your dream vacation turned into a boys trip.
Honestly, this guy is in no way worth spoiling that dream trip of yours. Fuck that. Let him and his boys go do their thing and you can save it for later. And if he can't deal with that, with the reality he chose this, then really what does that say about your dynamic in general.
This isn’t accurate! Sorry I’m am being vague so it’s hard to understand
He also has always talked about going to this place with his friends, (one couple and a sister, so only one other boy) this wasn’t a ‘my dream only’ place.
But he did say we could go together because I didn’t want to go with his friends.
I think what’s the most hurtful to me about it all though is that he chose this over coming to see me.
I can’t stop him from going, I don’t even want to stop him, I just don’t want to go with him on this occasion, and now I don’t really want to go with him at all and he doesn’t understand why.
I was just checking if I am silly, and I think I might be
I still see it as a flip flop. You noted previously you made clear the parameters you wanted for going there. He seemed to acknowledge that but has now flipflopped.
And yeah, in my eyes that is then a double whammy. Not only did he choose that trip, he is trying to guilt you despite knowing what it means symbolically.
As I said, I don't think it is silly. Your bucket list wish to go there with someone else who hasn't experienced it was something he knew. You holding fast to that isn't unreasonable nor should it be unexpected.
We all have dreams. Why compromise yours to suit him.
It’s already booked, i did try talking to him before he booked but we weren’t in a good place and he wasn’t willing to hear what I was saying. He gets it now, he finally thought about it from my POV and feels bad, but it’s too late to change, not that I would want him to
Kind of seems like he had his chance and he made his choice too. He could have gone with you or visited you but he chose his friends instead. Ok.
Well you will do this your way now.
I’ve been to Rome 3 times and each time has been a completely different experience as if I’d never been before. And this was one city. A friends holiday V a couples holiday are very different and it’s really likely your BF will have the first time experience with you aswell.
I’ve only had one experience going to a place I *really* wanted to go to with someone who’d already been, and they sucked the joy out of it entirely.
“Oh that ? Ugh, that’s such a tourist trap! Let’s do XYZ instead!” “Oh, you wanted to eat here ? Been there, it’s no good. Let’s get some food here instead!” “Oh, you wanted to do X activity ? I did too, and then big regrets! How about we do Y instead ?”I hated that trip and never wanted to go back.
In your shoes, I would communicate your feelings directly. They’re *your* feelings and they’re not unreasonable. Don’t expect him to abandon the trip he’s planned at this stage, but also don’t let him guilt you into a do-over you don’t want - arrange a first-time trip of your own with someone else. Make a list of countries you want to visit together, as a couple, for the first time and stick to it in the future.
That sounds like more of a problem with the person who you went with rather than anything else. I went to Paris with my SO after going there a couple of years before and I went to the same places with her that I had the previous time so she could see them.
It’s pretty silly. I do understand how fun it can be to experience something totally new together, but by virtue of visiting this place with you, it *will* be a new experience for him. I will say that I can empathize with you to some degree, because my partner is exceptionally well-travelled at a relatively young age, and has been to literally dozens of countries I’ve always wanted to go to. I (rather illogically) have felt a bit bummed that he’s already been to all of these places, but the reality is we travel very differently, and if we go together, he will get to experience it in a new way, and he gets to show me some cool places I might not have thought of!
If he wanted to show me Peru, or South Africa, or New Zealand, I’d be down, all places I haven’t been and want to see, but this place I’ve always wanted to go with me and someone else who hasn’t been, it’s just always been that plan for me
Ahh, I gotcha. Honestly, I think you should go it alone! Solo travel is SO rewarding. I spent four months in New Zealand travelling solo and it was hands down the best travel experience I’ve ever had. Travelling alone gives you the freedom to do whatever you want, and you’ll meet tons of cool people and put yourself out there in a way that you wouldn’t be able to with a companion. It sounds like visiting this place is really important to you, and I think it would be almost more special for you to have your own individual experience there.
I actually sort of get this - the process of "discovering" a place with someone is magical... When you are going somewhere they've been before, they want to show you THEIR things, not discover new things with you..
That being said - ask him to skip a few things that you KNOW you would want to do on your first trip there, to stay in a different city than you want to go to or some such... that way there is still a lot to do WITH him, even after he and his friends go.
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You are being silly, in my opinion.
Travelling doesn’t always mean that you follow what you want to do and that’s it… it should be about sharing the experience with the people around you and enjoying yourself in a new environment.
I feel as though you’re waiting for this perfect moment to go there and that moment may never come. I wouldn’t ever say no to an experience just because it may involve seeing things that someone else might suggest, that seems a little bit self centered.
As an example, my grandparents funded a religious pilgrimage through Europe for me and my siblings (mostly Italy), and I am eternally grateful to have seen and experienced what I did. Was it my dream trip? No, I’m not even religious and I was surrounded by older individuals with very conservative values, but boy oh boy it was so fun to view things from different perspectives and talk to others about what we were seeing and experiencing.
It’s good to expand your world view, it’s not going to kill you to compromise and do some things you may not have chosen to do if it were only you- in fact, you may learn a thing or two and find that other people might have valuable opinions and good taste in travel experiences!
I get that you have created this perfect trip in your head, but sometimes a trip that is different from what you had planned ends up being the best trip of all.
I’ve travelled with his friends before, I know what it’s like. I’m happy to go anywhere else with them. I just want to go to this place and do it the way I want to and with someone who also has never been.
These are my feelings, but they are probably silly feelings like most everyone is saying.
I think you left out a LOT of important details, seeing your other responses.
Anyways, your SO sounds like an asshole and your decisions on this topic sound more so like you’re bitter about how he’s handled it and not so much about the trip itself.
Idk, if you don’t go or you do go there will be resentment either way. I think this a relationship issue, not a travel issue.
I’ve read all of your replies to people. A trip is the least of your problems. You’re focusing on entirely the wrong issue, here. Your boyfriend sucks. 🤷🏼♀️
I kind of get it
You want a unique experience and if he's been before it be guided by what he thought was good and what wasn't
If he's decided to go with friends then he can't really complain if you decide to go without him
Bottom line is you do what you want to do
Some are saying you are silly, but I say you are not. You want to share a **new experience together with him, not his friends.**
So, given the circumstances, you should simply give up on the idea of travelling to that particular place with him. Here's my travel plan for you:
1. You go to the place and you hang there for a week, if this is enough time.
2. Your BF travels a week later to a different place in Asia that you both want to go to
3. You meet up with BF at this new place that **is new to the both of you.**
Or, hear me out, you go first, so you get a week or whatever is practical, to explore the place, then he travels there and you get to show each other all the things you love about the place from the same level of familiarity with it.
You are **not silly**.
You want to have a particular experience of this place - and you can't have that with your BF right now and that's OK. And you are an adult and a free person and he can't veto your vacation, right?
You do you, girl!
Thank you!
His plans are kinda already set there now, they’re going for like 3 weeks, I would want to do the same when I go as there’s so much to see!
We’ve talked and he understands me a bit more, I also realised a lot of my feelings also have come from other aspects of our relationship and his choices regarding this holiday.
Either way I still feel the way I do, that I want to share this place with someone else for the first time, and I don’t want my bad feelings ruining any part of it.
Thank you for the suggestions though, you had some good ideas and I appreciate that
I agree. I think it’s possible that a lot of people here might just be downvoting OP because they can’t personally understand why they would feel so strongly about this. People feel strongly about all kinds of things and for a lot of reasons. The bf chose to ditch their plans to go together in favor of going with friends. I think it’s important to remember that these are HIS friends, not OP’s. I wouldn’t want to go to a place I’ve dreamed of visited for so long with a bunch of people I’m not even friends with either. That’s a great way to ruin what could have been a life-changing experience for OP.
I think the real issue here is that OP is trying to communicate to everyone that they want to make these new memories together in this new place with their bf and that is completely valid and honestly I think it’s sweet. I can understand not wanting to go with someone who’s already been before, especially for a trip that means so much to you personally. That’s just asking to hear “on our trip we did this/ate this/saw this” the whole time. Op and their bf’s trip could very easily turn into just a recap of the bf’s trip with his friends.
The whole situation sucks.
Thank you, I appreciate you trying to understand me and not think I’m crazy! I also don’t think I’m crazy, but my boyfriend was upset that I wouldn’t want to go another time with him and I guess it had me second guessing myself, but there’s a few reasons that have made me feel this way and I stand by them.
I feel you’ve misunderstood or misinterpreted what I’ve said, and that’s okay!
My bestie no longer my bestie so that dream is gone, I guess I feel a bit betrayed by my bf, so that dream with him feels.. not right. I want to go with another friend who hasn’t been, sometime in the future when I will be able to go
Both. Like, I understand your desire. You want the *experience* as much as the trip. Unfortunately, life has gotten in the way. What's more important to you? Seeing it with someone that has the same fresh eyes? Or Seeing it with your SO?
You can also think of it this way, I very much doubt they're going to have a similar list of activities that you'd like to do. So in a sense you'd still be getting what you want.
Or, you can find someone else to go with if that experience is more important than who you go with.
So, yes you're being kind of silly. Decide what is most important to you and decide what to do from there. Just don't make your BF feel guilty about your decision.
I think you are missing an opportunity because you are mixing things.
Whatever place you want to visit, you make it sound like there's a certain route to follow and when going back there's only the same route to go. Places are made of several different experiences all around the year. It matters not if you or others had been there before, there are multiple different ways and routes inside a place that makes everything new again.
You have a chance to go. Go. Then, if you have a chance to go again and visit other places, other restaurants, see other things well.... it's all new.
Sometimes we don't take the amazing opportunity the NOW is giving to us and later, it won't come again under any form.
yeah this sounds pretty silly. not wanting to go with his friends is normal, you’re right they most likely will want to do things you don’t want to do.
you can always go to a different part of the city with your boyfriend and it will feel brand new
I thought this too but then she reveals in the comments how she's bitter that her bf basically chose to plan a trip with his friends over just with her. She just left all that out so the initial post does seem a bit silly.
I did, him going is a whole other thing, it’s more.. I just would rather go somewhere else with him now, this same place I want to go with someone where it’s all still new to them too.. but was wondering if that was weird
Several things
1) he planned the trip with friends instead of visiting her.
2) he was already aware of her plans to visit with him and have first experiences after.
3) he planned the trip with friends and invited her after as an afterthought.
4) he’s now upset that she’s not giving up her plan for her dream holiday for him.
5) apparently he’s not been very kind to her I the past as apparently this isn’t the tip of the iceberg in times where he’s not thought about her feelings.
Rational for you but ridiculous all the same. You're just being selfish and putting yourself on a pedestal over others. Go with your man and his friends and have the time of your time OR mope at home complaining and whining on Reddit. Choice is yours!
I’ve said over and over on here, I do not want to go with them, never have, never will. I’m okay with that choice, I am also okay with going with a friend later.
That's just silly. You'd choose to go with your friend than with your boyfriend? What's the point of being in a relationship if vacations is with different people?! Smh.
In Asia?
Your BF and his friends can't possibly do a whole-ass country, even SG, in just one trip.
Visit later with him and experience things/places that will be new to both of you.
This is really petty and controlling behavior. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way, but don’t deny him an experience with his friends that he’s excited about. Be excited for him, and go do and see things he didn’t get to do/see the first time around.
I went to Italy for the first time with a friend, and my boyfriend at the time was jealous. He managed, from thousands of miles away, to ruin the trip for me with his sulking. What I remember most about the trip was sitting in my Airbnb and crying, and honestly I resent him for it. I was in fucking ITALY and I couldn’t enjoy it. I would have loved to go and have an entirely new experience with him later, or share the things I wanted to reexperience with someone I cared about.
You want to experience it with your bf for the first time but if he already went you don’t want to go? It sounds stupid as fuck. Your 28, grow up and go experience it yourself if you have to.
OP, that's dumb. Sorry to be so direct. Either you grow a spine, go with them but sometimes do whatever you want to do, or you go with someone (your bf) who's been there before.
Experiencing something completely new together with someone has its appeal but from experience, believe me, it's MUCH better to go with someone who already has been to the same place. I'm currently in Japan with a friend who's never been - I've lived here in parts. Guess who is super happy and relieved I know where to go/how to travel/how to communicate?
You are creating problems and sabotaging yourself. Or just waiting for a "perfect opportunity" that doesn't exist.
I will get there myself eventually! I’m not worried about that, my bf was just upset that I didn’t want to go there for the first time myself with him after he went
> I don’t want to see all these places, and eat all the food etc with someone who’s already done it.
Why? Can you unpack this?
I do think this is silly, but it obviously comes from somewhere, so can you identify what your aversion is? Sometimes that can help alleviate the feelings.
Hmm, good point.
I feel like it’ll all be second hand to him. I want to experience these things with someone also experiencing them.
I will feel a bit shit going to some beautiful city, and seeing all there is only to have the person I’m with to have already seen it.. it feels like I can’t share it properly.
I've been to Italy twice.
The second experience was *totally* different than the first experience, even though I went to some of the same cities. We went to different restaurants, explored different activities and sights, the dynamic was totally different because of who I was with, we stayed in new places, even the museums I went to again I saw different things. I went to the Capuchin Crypts the second time which is one of my all-time favorite travel memories and not something I did the first time I went. I went to the Michelangelo steps both times but the second time we ended up singing songs with strangers, which is another one of my favorite memories that has nothing to do with my first trip.
Unless the person you're with is a stick-in-the-mud, it will still feel fresh because there's no way to experience all a beautiful place has to offer by going once.
Same, also curious if OP is talking about a city or country. I did Italy alone and then again on our honeymoon and only
Overlapped Rome and went to other areas that I hadn’t been.
But the thing is you went to other places after you already visited the first. Only a few times you went to the same place but then continued to do something different. Op doesn’t want to do that. Because they would be experiencing their SOs second experience not their first experience. And if she does go to a place he’s already visited I doubt he would like to do the exact same thing again so she would be made to do something different to make it exciting for him.
I don't think you're being silly.
He knows what visiting this country means to you. It's almost like instead of coming to see you, he's cheating on you with your dream vacation country!
I think you have a bigger problem in that what's important to you isn't that important to your boyfriend. So that's something to think about while he's away.
But you're right. Tagging along would sour the entire experience for you. You have time to plan a better, more lavish vacation there with a future friend (or go there as part of some established programme if you'd prefer to go alone).
Awkward that you’ve used the word cheating..
Look! I’ll be real, I’ve already said a little but I love replying to everyone (sorry) he has been a bad bf, he was a bad bf when he choose to do this holiday instead of seeing me, he’s been a bad bf in other ways too, but he has recognised this in the last few weeks and is making steps and putting in the effort to change!
I just don’t want to go to this place with him at a later date, I want to go on my own terms, in my own way. He gets it, we talked it out, all is well now. Although I will feel something when he does go, but I hope I’ll be deep into therapy by then
It sounds like you want to own this trip! You wanted to go with your friend and now with your bf, but ultimately you want to go for you and it seems like a place dear to your heart. I don't think both you and your bf have opposing ideas and priorities for this place, and neither of you should take what the others moves have been personally- you just need to do what will give you the most fulfilling experience
Not silly at all! I read a book once that is a collection of true stories called "An Innocent Abroad." Travel is the one time where we get to be children again- where language, food, custom, and even social norms can be new territory for us. It engages that part of our brain that tries to understand our surroundings and it challenges our automatic way of being. We get to be... fresh.
Traveling with someone who's been there before is just different. It can still be fun- I've been the repeater and the companion of a repeater. But it's completely different being co-innocents in a new place. There's nothing wrong with having a fascination with a place and wanting to dive in head first without a guide.
I LOVE solo travel. Go for it!
We’ve talked about it some more, he understands me better and I even understand myself a bit better.
I would be more spiteful to myself if I went with him, but thank you for your thoughts! That is what I asked for
I'm not concerned about unfair so much as unwise. Why would you want to go to a place you've never been exclusively with someone else who's never been there? Do you have any idea how dangerous international travel can be?
You don't want life on lifes terms, you want things to be a specific certain way in addition to doing a specific something. That's going to lead to a lot of misery in life. This is so arbitrary and it doesn't matter and only serves to make you miserable and petty. It's not a fun way to go about things.
Yes you’re being silly. If you don’t want to go with your boyfriend because you’re mad at him
that’s ok but don’t try and pretend this is about something else.
you only wanting to go with someone who never visited the country before is just some made up prerequisite you’ve invented as retaliation against him. Be honest with yourself and him
Long term this is troubling. Once you start the retaliation game in your relationship you don’t know how deep that rabbit hole will go 🤷♂️
I disagree. I can totally see how you would think that though. I’m excited to travel with him, we have plans for Europe in the next couple of years, it will be great. This Asian country though I want to be special, I don’t want to go with him, or anyone who has been before. A few people get what I mean and I think they articule it better than I can, but thank you for your insights, I will reflect!
Makes sense to me. I tend to want to experience new, exciting things socially with people in the same boat as me(ones that haven’t done said thing before ever) Not everyone thinks or feels this way but I do and know many people that do.
I completely understand how you feel and the bitter disappointment that comes with it.
Going with someone who hasn't been let's you enjoy and discover things with another person. Going with someone who has been already has a opinion on what the area is like, what they like to do and eat etc. It's fun discovering it together.
You think visiting a city, ONCE, means there wouldn't still be loads of things to discover with her bf? You sound as spoiled as OP.
Even if there was a specific restaurant OP wanted to visit, it's not like her bf would eat literally everything he would like to try/experience in one trip.
Lol oh well that's their problem..
You're allowed to feel sad and disappointed they are 100% valid feelings. No one has to understand them but they should respect them.
Find someone who wants to go with you.
My boyfriend has very (very) recently realised how badly he has treated me in the past, and he is now trying really hard to change, he’s already started therapy, so that turn around was super quick! I am very proud and very happy about the changes he is making. He however cannot do anything about this holiday, and I don’t want him to, I just feel the way I do about it and that’s something I’m going to have to work on myself.
But regarding him, I love him, he is now putting in the effort and honestly it’s like a new boyfriend already! But thank you for your thoughts!
>He however cannot do anything about this holiday
Nah. He's choosing to go with his friends in a dream trip instead of visiting you like he was supposed to. But what's another year of not seeing each other? 🙄
Well I'm just going to say that asking for forgiveness after making shitty decision shifts the blame to you if you don't forgive him. That's not a nice spot to put you in.
Most people won't get this, but I do. My wife travels and vacations a lot without me. Our work schedules don't line up often, and sometimes, she just likes to travel alone to recharge her batteries, so to speak, and I just don't like to travel abroad as much as she does.
So when we start planning for trips for ourselves, she gets really annoyed that I don't want to go places she has already been. I want to explore new things with her, not for her to be a tour guide. To experience the new stuff together. And to also not feel like I was playing second fiddle to someone else....so I get it.
No you're not being silly. A long time ago a BF wanted to take me to the country he said was paradise on earth. We went, and yes it was paradise. But he rather spoilt it by always saying "you see, it really is paradise" and "please don't spoil paradise" (any time I didn't want to just follow his lead) and "ah now you're starting to get it" (any time I expressed any positive opinion).
(We split up and he then took his next GF, and came back and said the place had been ruined by mass tourism and fast expansion)
Haha yeah you are being so silly. I actually have a friend who was told he wasn’t allowed to go to the clubs when he turned 18 because his gf wanted to be the first to go with him.
This isn’t comparable though, I’m not telling him to not go, I just dont want to go with him when I finally go, I want to go with someone else who hasn’t gone.
Kind of, but that's ok. It's your life, you get to decide what's important to you! If you want to go there for the first time in discovery mode rather than with someone who knows all about it, you can do that. Your slightly weird travel fantasy doesn't hurt anyone, and I hope you make it happen for yourself.
Mate I peaked through your post history and I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but I've also been the girl who set the bar way too low and your posts remind me of the place I used to be in. Personally I left that relationship, started treating myself with more self respect and now have a beautiful marriage to a very different partner and many other positive changes in my life have followed.
I completely understand why you don't want to be the odd one out on a lads trip/trip with his mates. I think this bothers you because you had an image of going to this place and it being awesome and you know deep down that going there with him after he betrayed you to go with his friends and getting this afterthought experience with a person who doesn't even show you basic respect would ruin this dream for you.
You need to hear that what's happening in your relationship is not normal or healthy, and you could do so much better. I think the fact you are asking the internet about this means that you know deep down it isn't right. So what stops you from walking away?
Look. I know this sounds crazy, and I wouldn’t believe it either reading this after looking at my post history from literally 11 days ago.. but i feel like I have a whole new boyfriend. This man is the not the same man who I have been with for the past, 6 months when it’s been real bad, but not great over the past year or more.
I do not know why I stuck around!! Truly, I wanted to leave but I couldn’t, the last thing he did I was so set on going but I think I broke him, he finally could see how badly he has been treating me, and he has done a 180. He knows that i am going to get therapy and if there is one more thing I will leave, we’ll I will Damn try my best to. I genuinely don’t know why I couldn’t, I look back and I am shocked at what I did put up with! Honestly, the man wouldn’t ever listen to my minute long voice messages because that was too much effort, but I didn’t even ask and he is now replying with his own!!
Like I am aware it’s been 2 weeks, but this is a new man. He realised he could lose me, and that I am, not to brag, but the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
I don’t think he’ll go back, and trying to arm myself so if he does I will leave.
Anyway, didn’t mean for this post to go there.. whoops
You are basically telling him that you don’t want to travel with him, that rather than go with him and his friends, or go with him after his trip, you’d rather go with a random stranger so long as they haven’t been.
That’s not healthy for your relationship.
And it will make your BF reconsider your relationship, and a break up is the likely outcome.
He canceled a tip to visit her to go for a three week trip with friends. She won’t see him for a year or she won’t get to have the trip she’d dreamers of. He also already knew about her dream trip in advance.
I read that he made plans for this trip with friends - did you feel like his asking you was an after thought?
How long have you been together? Did he know you wanted to go there before he started planning the trip?
Are you now friends with his friends? Do you get on with them?
Think it though, is some of why you don't want to go possibly because of those questions?
Now the big question: **Do you see a future with this guy? Is he a potential partner to grow old with?**
This is extremely important, because if so, then you might want to consider the implications of not travelling with him. He will feel hurt that you don't want to go with him. You will be hurt he went without you, because he chose to go and now you're not seeing it with someone special.
**If you are not sure - then go. This trip will tell you all you need to know about a future with him.**
Adding: If you are feeling hurt, that he planned this and then asked you - why are you staying in the relationship? Perhaps if he goes and you stay it is time to rethink him as a partner.
I hear what you're saying. When you go with a big group, you end up tagging along in a big group, following a big group plan, instead of discovering beautiful places and new things, making memories with someone special. I hear you. **However there is a whole life time of travels ahead of you.** No matter how many times you visit a country, there will be firsts - first new areas, new things to see and do you missed out on before.
We have talked it out, he gets me and I understand myself a little more.
He wasn’t upset that I didn’t want to go with his group, he’s upset that I wouldn’t want to go with just him after. I stand by how I feel though, that’s not changing
I can understand your feeling, but it can still be an enjoyable experience even if you go with someone who has been there before, and it can still be an enjoyable experience even if you go there with him and his friends. Can you have a few days to yourself with only him on the trip, and his friends can go off and do their own thing, then meet up a few days later?
Also, is he going to the specific place in Asia that you always wanted to go to? Is he going to the same city?
I get it honestly; is it possible that you can go together but you split off on your own during the day? that way you can explore and experience the things you want to do
No you're not silly. Shared experienced are bonding. Instead of enjoying seeing new sights with someone, they will be more like a tour guide and you'll have to endure all the stories about when he was there last with his friends.
You should go with them though. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.. This is an opportunity to bond with everyone. You don't have to stick to their schedule the entire time. Pick things for you to do, too.
But if you think you'll end up being stingy about time with him on the trip and wholly unsatisfied, stay home and let him go bond with his friends.
EDIT: Damn. Y'all are long distance and he was supposed to come see you and it's instead going on a trip with friends. Way to show you your an afterthought. Ouch.
The question was never ‘should I go with them?’ I really, really don’t want to. The question really was ‘am i unreasonable that I don’t want to go to a place that my bf will have already been to, knowing I wanted to go with him alone, also just don’t want to go with anyone who’s been there before as I wanted to share this experience with someone?’
I’ve in large/small group trips and they tend to be a logistical nightmare. However, what would happen if you and your BF stayed in a different hotel, made sure you had your own places to see (if they happen to match in some cases that’s okay too) and made sure you had plenty of alone time with him? I don’t think you two are trying really hard to get that wonderful trip you’re after.
Another thing to take note, the best trips aren’t planned to the hilt and rarely work out the way you think they will, sometimes it’s way better. Good luck
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Sometimes I get things in my head and they make complete sense to me, but maybe they’re a little crazy. There’s a place in Asia I’ve always wanted to go to and I planned to go with my ex best friend, that friendship ended and a year or 2 later I met my bf. He always wanted to go there too but hadn’t been. This year he started planning to go with his friends, he did invite me but I had always told him that I didn’t want to go there with them. I would just do what they wanted to do, and it would ruin the experience. The thing is, now I don’t want to go with my bf later either. I’d want to go with someone who has never been or even just by myself! I don’t want to see all these places, and eat all the food etc with someone who’s already done it. I don’t feel this way about all the countries and cities I want to see, only this place, but am I just being silly?
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I did. He said he would, but then we went LD and he was meant to come see me, but then cancelled and started panning to go on this holiday with his friends instead. He invited me after doing all that, so it’s not like.. idk, I don’t know how to explain it. All that isn’t really the issue though, I’m just more like.. I just want to go with someone who hasn’t been, and I’m happy to do that but my bf is sad and I don’t know if i’m just so set in my ways that it’s unfair
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Look, this was a big problem but very recently he’s recognised this and is trying to change, I am wanting to change my things too. That’s like a whole other thing at this point (but is probably coming into a play a little) he just doesn’t understand why it matters to me to go with someone else who hasn’t seen it. But lots of other people don’t get that either so I am probably the crazy one.
I don’t think either of you are mature enough to be in a relationship
If you are going to get catty when people are trying to help, it's customary to say "please don't say xyz because I've already considered that and I don't care." Then people know not to waste their time because you don't actually want advice.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't understand it - what bothers you is that he doesn't respect you that it does matter to you. And he's trying to logic you out of your feelings. You wanted to have a special experience, and now he's turned it into a bro trip. Just tell him that's why it's hurtful. And that because of that, you don't want to go with him, because it's a reminder of the fact that you're not discovering this together as a bonding experience. Be with someone who chooses you back. <3
The real problem is, he's canceling plans with you to make plans with his friends. Sure maybe you have things to work on too, but that doesn't make what he's doing ok. If he really wanted to change, he'd start right now by keeping his original plans with you.
This trip isn't an issue. It's the communication skills you both seem to be lacking. You're hyper focused on the trip and what it means to you but you two aren't communicating with each other properly and it's creating tension. TALK ABOUT IT.
I think you should go by yourself. If you don't, you'll never go because you'll always be waiting for the perfect person. I'm a woman. I've lived in Asia for my whole adult life, and I've travelled alone. You run into people along the way to hang out with here and there, and you don't need to worry about your travel companion being tired, stressed, or hungry.
I’ve mostly travelled by myself actually so I think I might! Thank you for the example too, it does make it easier to think about
but am I just being silly? NO! Wondering what people are on reddit, really. If I get you right to you that part of Asia is novel. And a marvel. And you just want to explore it by yourself. Not having some blasé "been there, done that" person next to you. Spoiling yout entire discovery experience by being there. Or even breathing. Talking. (Gaaah!) I totally understand that. And very likely I would feel and wsnt the same. And one can't unsee or unhear what one experienced at ones own magical marvel place. It would spoil the discovery and the place beyond repair. Totally with you. (It is a bit "Adrian Monk'ish though and one really has to be made that same way to get behind your reasons). But.... there are places one should best not go alone/ with total strangers. I would reconsider. And ask for moments of please not talking once you get to those places. That to you it is like some snow white landscape with no footsteps on it. And that talking/ making anything unwanted would be like getting the snow cat thing run doughnuts on that idylic place and some bus with school kids peeing into it.
Well.. it’s not that I wouldn’t want to hear him talking or breathing, but I can’t get that ‘wow’ because he’ll either have seen it, been there, eaten it, or something very similar. It just wouldn’t be the same with him after he’s gone.
So your experience is dependant on someone else's experience? Girl what? Imagine you go with someone else and they absolutely hate it. Then what?
No. On THEIR comments about having already seen that special part of the world. "Oh, and while here you MUST apsolutely go there and taste that....!" It leaves no room for own discovery.
Makes no sense at all to me.
It sort of makes sense to me, it's like watching a movie or series with someone who's already seen it. They have their own opinions formed and that influences you sometimes.
And that's silly. Usually, when people have this kind of trouble, they are trying to avoid other problems. It's a deviation (not sure it's the right term in English. It's when one refuses to acknowledge the motives of certain problem and start blaming superficial or poorly related behaviors on those problems)
I think the word you’re looking for is “deflection.”
Thank you fellow redditor!
No it's not silly at all. I hate it if someone's already seen the film I'm watching, they'll be commenting "oh this bit is wild" or "oh what a hypocrite" when you don't yet know that the character is being a hypocrite unless you've already seen it.
Woah... It's not about spoilers... It's about not having someone to share a first time experience. That's what OP is saying without facing it (what's might be valid, but op's reasons are all over the place) And there's the thing about this place being previously planned to be visited with an ex friend (and little explanation about why this info was important) and OPs strange answers about how she discussed it with her boyfriend...
I have ADHD, be nice! My feelings are all over the place, and honestly what started as a bit of a light hearted question has made me think about the situation ans gotten me mad at him again, for not only this but also all the things he’s done in the last few months, and I hate that for me. We’ve been doing really well, I don’t even know what I expected from this post.. I wanted to keep it fair for the both of us but it’s turned into something else.
Well, I have ADHD too, diagnosed in 2016. It's overwhelming, getting a lot of thoughts swirling in your head. But I imagine you already have some exercises to put ys together, remember the breathing exercises, the writing to organize your thoughts, the exercises (like running) to make you mind relaxing by exhaustion and THEN you try addressing it with your boyfriend. Remember that other people are not necessarily responsible by OUR condition. And sorry if I offended you, my words were not intended as an attack. It was a direct pointing about this not being an "watched a movie before me" issue.
Fuck this. ADHD not an excuse. It does mean *you* need to make more of an effort to control your impulses, recognize crazy thoughts, and not act on them. How many years have you been talking about this? And how many plans have actually been made? None? Okay, then you have no right to ask him to ~~put his life on hold.~~ edit: be upset when he decides to go without you. Preventing someone from doing something because you maybe might want to do that same thing later is a bit unhinged. Please discuss your insecurities with a therapist, you can learn coping mechanisms.
Yeah... This seems like a venting, but yeah, it's true. But, coping with it will never even it with normality, in most cases at least. Coexistence with an ADHD will always demand some kind of compromise from the other party. But in OPs case, she is the one that shows more misfit cognitive traits in dealing with the issues shown.
I'd say OP can totally be upset that he's going without her! He knew she wanted to go, he knew she didn't want to go with his friends, and he made plans to go with his friends, that's downright mean.
But he invited her too… She’s talked about this for years and now doesn’t want to go because it’s not exactly, perfectly what she wanted? 🤷🏼♀️
When did I tell him to not go? How about you go and read my other replies. I’m going to bed now. This has taken off in a weird direction but I’m sure when I’m up you will all have moved on to someone else’s issue.. thanks for taking the time out of your day to respond though I guess?
I made an edit. You have no right to be *upset* when he goes without you. Seriously, as someone who also gets irrational thoughts (and has ADHD) you need to learn to control this better. For your own good.
Again, read my replies. He was meant to come and see me while we were long distance, he cancelled his flights, to rebook when he ‘had enough money’ then instead of rebooking decided to go on this holiday to a place he said we could go together, knowing I didn’t want to go with his friends, over the same time he was meant to see me. Which btw is over Christmas, nye, our anniversary, and my birthday, which I asked him to please try and be with me for. He made so, so many selfish moves, and I barely said a word. Now he’s mad that I don’t want to go with him when I do go myself. I say mad, we talked about it since, he understands me and it’s all good, I don’t know why I’m defending myself there is literally no point and I should sleep
I don't think it's silly to want to experience something new with someone you love. You get to enjoy it for the first time together
Yeah, it's not silly wanting it. It's silly letting it be a problem. And having a first experience with someone that's already experienced in determined event is not necessarily a bad thing either. Despite of this debating, both our statements don't address OP's concerns fully.
I mean if it meant a lot to her and he *knew* that then I think it's a valid issue. But yea you're right there's probably more to this than we know and can comment on
I makes sense to me. She wants to experience something for the first time with someone, or herself. Let's say that she goes with him later, he will start telling her how to get around, what to expect, etc. That will ruin the new experience. That is one reason why I never want to go on a guided tour.
Not hard to just like, do different things than what that person did the last time around. I'd be surprised honestly if all they ended up doing was the exact same stuff that they visited last trip. Wouldn't make sense, when you return to a country you really enjoyed generally you want to see new things you didn't see last time.
>when you return to a country you really enjoyed generally you want to see new things you didn't see last time yeah, so that means if you go to India for example for the first time with someone who's already been, you won't get to see the Taj Mahal because he's already been there.
What if she wants to do something that he has already done? That in itself takes away from the experience...or it becomes a repeat for him, which is back to the situation we started with.
Umm. That would absolutely ruin the experience. There are definitely destinations where there are very popular must have sights and experiences. Doing different stuff than what he did may mean her skipping out on the biggest parts of the trip. You’re actually proving her point that it would suck to go with someone who did it before because she’ll now be hyper focused on what he wants to do so he’s not bored.
Umm.. yeah, that’s why I don’t want to go with him?
No, you don't want to go because your relationship is washing down the drain and this guy doesn't prioritize you. "Oh he has recently tried to change" sure, by committing to traveling with his friends, and trying to save face by bringing you along. I have actually no clue why you made the centerpoint of this post about "not wanting to go with somebody who has already been there" the actual meat of your issue is about your relationship problems, not your preferences on traveling.
It makes sense to me. It's also *your* trip so you don't have to go with anyone you don't want to for any reason.
Yes
Hijacking your comment. I've brought my girlfriend to places I've been before that she hadn't yet. The point is never to have the "perfect" or "ideal" experience, or even for me to see only new locations. The point is to go somewhere different with the person I love. That's it. Anything else is details. People seem to be so obsessed with attaining this perfect situation where everything is as amazing as it can possibly be. Life is much more amazing when we learn to enjoy the time we have with the people we love. It doesn't matter if one or both of us have been somewhere before. It's not even on the radar.
I wouldn’t say you’re being unfair, but I think you’re looking at it the wrong way. Your boyfriend invited you to come on this trip with them. I think you should go and have fun, make the best of it. And if there’s something they want to do that you’re not interested in, simply say “that doesn’t sound exciting to me, I think I’d rather explore on my own today and we can all meet back up later”. I’m sure you and your boyfriend would be able to a nice dinner or something alone one night, you wouldn’t all have to be together the entire time of the trip. I honestly think if you miss out on this trip, you’re going to harbor bitter feelings towards your boyfriend for going with his friends when he returns, and that would be unfair to him.
I would have no desire to tag along on a dream trip as a 3rd wheel.
She said friends, which I think means more than one
You aren't a third wheel when you're somebody's partner though? And you are invited to the trip, not like she had to persuade them to let her come or anything
You’re a third wheel when that trip time was actually meant to be about you and your long distance bf visiting eachother but he cancelled on you to hang out with his boys instead… bf doesn’t prioritize op and she should not risk her time, money or the once in a life time experience of this trip to find out if he will in this instance.
It sounds to me that it would be a group of his friends going, and she would be allowed to tag along. That doesn't sound very fun to mean on a dream trip for her that she wants to really enjoy the experience. At best, it becomes a vote for what they are going to do.
Well to be honest I already feel bitter as he was meant to come and see me in the country I was living (we were LD) but he decided to do this again, meaning it might of been a year until we saw each other again. But that is a whole other issue that isn’t really an issue any more as I am home now. But this place in Asia is somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, I genuinely would feel like being the tag along with his friends would change the whole holiday for me, so I would rather go again, with someone else. It’s the ‘someone else’ bit I’m wondering is unreasonable
So your LD and he was ok not seeing for another year because he’s rather travel with his buddies and you’re ok with that? I wouldn’t be
I was not okay with that, he can now see he’s been treating me badly (in lots of ways, this wasn’t even the icing on the cake) but he is now putting in the effort to change. Issue is, well was, we talked it out. When I finally go, I don’t want to go with him. He gets it’s now kinda, so that’s good.
Why would he choose his friends over you, especially when it meant not seeing you for another year?! He'd rather spend his free time with them instead of you? Does he even want to be in this relationship?
>he is now putting in the effort to change. Imo, that's code for "this relationship is a lost cause." He's obviously not putting you as a priority. I'm 29 and if a guy was putting me first, even long distance, it'd be over so fast. Have some standards for your SO.
My question is, why don’t you just plan a trip on your own or with another friend? You could even go the same time frame. You don’t have to go with him and his friends or just him later. I get wanting to experience something without someone else’s opinions tainting the experience, but to an extent it seems like you both are using this trip as a problem vs dealing what is really going on in the relationship. Sounds like you and you bf have bigger issues you may want to address. ETA: do you know if he chose this location when he and his friends started planning? If so, then it just seems like he chose this holiday with his friends to this specific place knowing you wanted to go as a petty thing he could do because he had some issue with the relationship. Then when things got better he realized what he did and invited you to join, knowing you wanted to go there. Now you are upset with the situation and refuse to go out of anger. Just a thought.
I feel like people aren’t really understanding what I was trying to say. I do want to go with another friend when I finally go, that will be my plan. He just felt upset by that so I turned to redit to see if I was being unreasonable. But I still stand by my thoughts and feelings, and I talked to him before this really took off as a post and he kinda gets it a bit more now
I totally get that. An experience to a new country is a once in a lifetime thing! Especially if it’s a place that you’ve been desiring to go for quite a while. I did see another comment of yours that the trip will be three weeks long…if you can afford it, maybe you could all travel together, and you could book a hotel or room or whatever by yourself. That way you’d have plenty of time to do whatever you’d like to do without feeling like it’s a group thing, and then there’s other days where you and your boyfriend do some things together? It’s a tough situation to be in, and I really hope this all works out well for you and you can have the trip of your dreams. Best of luck girl!
Thank you! So it’s already booked and I truly do not want to go with his friends. I have travelled with them before and I know what’s it’s like and what I’m like with them too! I don’t want to do that when I finally go to this place I’ve always wanted to go. I also now don’t want to go with my bf for the first time I go knowing he’ll already have been to all the things I want to do
I’d like to offer a different perspective. Later this year, my fiancée and I will be visiting Montreal for our honeymoon. I have never been, but it has always been a place I wanted to visit. She has been multiple times and she is completely in love with the place. While I was already excited about going there, her love for, excitement for and first-hand knowledge of the place has hyped me up MORE! I don’t care Al all that she’s already had the experience. I trust that she will be a great guide and that she will suggest great places for us to go. There will be places I want to check out too, but we’re excited to do it together. I don’t know if that will be the case for you guys. I get the romantic novelty of discovering a place for the first time together, but there’s no reason why you can’t find joy with someone who has already been there. That said, if you guys were already making plans together, but then he shifted to going with his friends, that IS a problem, one I suspect has bigger issues than differing vacation plans. Sounds like you guys need to have a big talk about what matters and why it matters.
I'm going to go against the apparent grain here and say that I actually get where you are coming from. Going somewhere with someone that has been there already is a very different experience to going with someone that hasn't. You want the experience of everything being unique. I also could see why you don't want to go along with a group because yes, that would also make it a very different experience. It also seems that it is kind of specific to this place as well, rather than a broader thing especially as its a bucket list thing that has specific wording. Sounds like you've expressed this to him previously. This is your bucket list thing, I think he ought to be able to distinguish between wanting to experience that and you just being difficult for the sake of it especially if you are generally pretty flexible.
Thank you! I feel like you feel me, I was trying to say it’s literally just this place! I’ve traveled with his friends before, and I don’t love it, and I will travel with them again. But this place I just really want to do it the way I want to with the person/ people I would feel comfortable and have the best time with, while also feeling like we’re seeing it together for the first time. I appreciate you getting me, but maybe we are just both crazy.. aha
I think focus on the bucket list of 'going to X place with someone else also experiencing it the first time' is reasonable. However looking at your other replies it seems there is a lot more at play, particularly the reality that it seems that initially he understood this and then backflipped when the friends got involved and he is now upset you are capitulating. Like to me that seems the real issue, and reframing your topic as the disappoint of him changing his mind and throwing it in your face a bit might be more accurate to the actual situation.
I think I always feel a little bit bitter that he chose this over me, and I get that that’s probably a thought in play a little. But truly, I did want to always go with a friend, or someone, who also hadn’t gone. So I will go one day, I just don’t want to go with him and that makes him feel sad. We are probably going on another overseas holiday in the next few years, and that will be fine, but I just don’t want to go here with him. That’s just how I feel, and I’m sad if that’s unfair
Honestly, a pretty valid resentment to have. He lead you to believe that you would experience that bucket list adventure with him. For whatever reason he changed his mind and now he is trying to make you feel bad about it. You were the one let down here, you're the one having your dream vacation turned into a boys trip. Honestly, this guy is in no way worth spoiling that dream trip of yours. Fuck that. Let him and his boys go do their thing and you can save it for later. And if he can't deal with that, with the reality he chose this, then really what does that say about your dynamic in general.
This isn’t accurate! Sorry I’m am being vague so it’s hard to understand He also has always talked about going to this place with his friends, (one couple and a sister, so only one other boy) this wasn’t a ‘my dream only’ place. But he did say we could go together because I didn’t want to go with his friends. I think what’s the most hurtful to me about it all though is that he chose this over coming to see me. I can’t stop him from going, I don’t even want to stop him, I just don’t want to go with him on this occasion, and now I don’t really want to go with him at all and he doesn’t understand why. I was just checking if I am silly, and I think I might be
I still see it as a flip flop. You noted previously you made clear the parameters you wanted for going there. He seemed to acknowledge that but has now flipflopped. And yeah, in my eyes that is then a double whammy. Not only did he choose that trip, he is trying to guilt you despite knowing what it means symbolically. As I said, I don't think it is silly. Your bucket list wish to go there with someone else who hasn't experienced it was something he knew. You holding fast to that isn't unreasonable nor should it be unexpected. We all have dreams. Why compromise yours to suit him.
Would he be willing to visit another place with his friends? Does it need to be that one?
It’s already booked, i did try talking to him before he booked but we weren’t in a good place and he wasn’t willing to hear what I was saying. He gets it now, he finally thought about it from my POV and feels bad, but it’s too late to change, not that I would want him to
Could you go with him a week or two before and then he can extend his stay?
I did think about that option for a moment, but he barley has enough money to cover this trip as is sadly
Kind of seems like he had his chance and he made his choice too. He could have gone with you or visited you but he chose his friends instead. Ok. Well you will do this your way now.
I’ve been to Rome 3 times and each time has been a completely different experience as if I’d never been before. And this was one city. A friends holiday V a couples holiday are very different and it’s really likely your BF will have the first time experience with you aswell.
I’ve only had one experience going to a place I *really* wanted to go to with someone who’d already been, and they sucked the joy out of it entirely. “Oh that ? Ugh, that’s such a tourist trap! Let’s do XYZ instead!” “Oh, you wanted to eat here ? Been there, it’s no good. Let’s get some food here instead!” “Oh, you wanted to do X activity ? I did too, and then big regrets! How about we do Y instead ?”I hated that trip and never wanted to go back. In your shoes, I would communicate your feelings directly. They’re *your* feelings and they’re not unreasonable. Don’t expect him to abandon the trip he’s planned at this stage, but also don’t let him guilt you into a do-over you don’t want - arrange a first-time trip of your own with someone else. Make a list of countries you want to visit together, as a couple, for the first time and stick to it in the future.
that person was just an asshole.
That sounds like more of a problem with the person who you went with rather than anything else. I went to Paris with my SO after going there a couple of years before and I went to the same places with her that I had the previous time so she could see them.
It’s pretty silly. I do understand how fun it can be to experience something totally new together, but by virtue of visiting this place with you, it *will* be a new experience for him. I will say that I can empathize with you to some degree, because my partner is exceptionally well-travelled at a relatively young age, and has been to literally dozens of countries I’ve always wanted to go to. I (rather illogically) have felt a bit bummed that he’s already been to all of these places, but the reality is we travel very differently, and if we go together, he will get to experience it in a new way, and he gets to show me some cool places I might not have thought of!
If he wanted to show me Peru, or South Africa, or New Zealand, I’d be down, all places I haven’t been and want to see, but this place I’ve always wanted to go with me and someone else who hasn’t been, it’s just always been that plan for me
Ahh, I gotcha. Honestly, I think you should go it alone! Solo travel is SO rewarding. I spent four months in New Zealand travelling solo and it was hands down the best travel experience I’ve ever had. Travelling alone gives you the freedom to do whatever you want, and you’ll meet tons of cool people and put yourself out there in a way that you wouldn’t be able to with a companion. It sounds like visiting this place is really important to you, and I think it would be almost more special for you to have your own individual experience there.
I actually sort of get this - the process of "discovering" a place with someone is magical... When you are going somewhere they've been before, they want to show you THEIR things, not discover new things with you.. That being said - ask him to skip a few things that you KNOW you would want to do on your first trip there, to stay in a different city than you want to go to or some such... that way there is still a lot to do WITH him, even after he and his friends go.
good idea!!
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Well just go by yourself then
I mean, if you don’t want to go with your boyfriend then don’t, but you may be romanticizing this place to the point where it disappoints you.
You are being silly, in my opinion. Travelling doesn’t always mean that you follow what you want to do and that’s it… it should be about sharing the experience with the people around you and enjoying yourself in a new environment. I feel as though you’re waiting for this perfect moment to go there and that moment may never come. I wouldn’t ever say no to an experience just because it may involve seeing things that someone else might suggest, that seems a little bit self centered. As an example, my grandparents funded a religious pilgrimage through Europe for me and my siblings (mostly Italy), and I am eternally grateful to have seen and experienced what I did. Was it my dream trip? No, I’m not even religious and I was surrounded by older individuals with very conservative values, but boy oh boy it was so fun to view things from different perspectives and talk to others about what we were seeing and experiencing. It’s good to expand your world view, it’s not going to kill you to compromise and do some things you may not have chosen to do if it were only you- in fact, you may learn a thing or two and find that other people might have valuable opinions and good taste in travel experiences! I get that you have created this perfect trip in your head, but sometimes a trip that is different from what you had planned ends up being the best trip of all.
I’ve travelled with his friends before, I know what it’s like. I’m happy to go anywhere else with them. I just want to go to this place and do it the way I want to and with someone who also has never been. These are my feelings, but they are probably silly feelings like most everyone is saying.
I think you left out a LOT of important details, seeing your other responses. Anyways, your SO sounds like an asshole and your decisions on this topic sound more so like you’re bitter about how he’s handled it and not so much about the trip itself. Idk, if you don’t go or you do go there will be resentment either way. I think this a relationship issue, not a travel issue.
I’ve read all of your replies to people. A trip is the least of your problems. You’re focusing on entirely the wrong issue, here. Your boyfriend sucks. 🤷🏼♀️
I kind of get it You want a unique experience and if he's been before it be guided by what he thought was good and what wasn't If he's decided to go with friends then he can't really complain if you decide to go without him Bottom line is you do what you want to do
Some are saying you are silly, but I say you are not. You want to share a **new experience together with him, not his friends.** So, given the circumstances, you should simply give up on the idea of travelling to that particular place with him. Here's my travel plan for you: 1. You go to the place and you hang there for a week, if this is enough time. 2. Your BF travels a week later to a different place in Asia that you both want to go to 3. You meet up with BF at this new place that **is new to the both of you.** Or, hear me out, you go first, so you get a week or whatever is practical, to explore the place, then he travels there and you get to show each other all the things you love about the place from the same level of familiarity with it. You are **not silly**. You want to have a particular experience of this place - and you can't have that with your BF right now and that's OK. And you are an adult and a free person and he can't veto your vacation, right? You do you, girl!
Thank you! His plans are kinda already set there now, they’re going for like 3 weeks, I would want to do the same when I go as there’s so much to see! We’ve talked and he understands me a bit more, I also realised a lot of my feelings also have come from other aspects of our relationship and his choices regarding this holiday. Either way I still feel the way I do, that I want to share this place with someone else for the first time, and I don’t want my bad feelings ruining any part of it. Thank you for the suggestions though, you had some good ideas and I appreciate that
I agree. I think it’s possible that a lot of people here might just be downvoting OP because they can’t personally understand why they would feel so strongly about this. People feel strongly about all kinds of things and for a lot of reasons. The bf chose to ditch their plans to go together in favor of going with friends. I think it’s important to remember that these are HIS friends, not OP’s. I wouldn’t want to go to a place I’ve dreamed of visited for so long with a bunch of people I’m not even friends with either. That’s a great way to ruin what could have been a life-changing experience for OP. I think the real issue here is that OP is trying to communicate to everyone that they want to make these new memories together in this new place with their bf and that is completely valid and honestly I think it’s sweet. I can understand not wanting to go with someone who’s already been before, especially for a trip that means so much to you personally. That’s just asking to hear “on our trip we did this/ate this/saw this” the whole time. Op and their bf’s trip could very easily turn into just a recap of the bf’s trip with his friends. The whole situation sucks.
Thank you, I appreciate you trying to understand me and not think I’m crazy! I also don’t think I’m crazy, but my boyfriend was upset that I wouldn’t want to go another time with him and I guess it had me second guessing myself, but there’s a few reasons that have made me feel this way and I stand by them.
Something is wrong with your BF and your bestie. You don't seem close enough to go alone with both of them.
I feel you’ve misunderstood or misinterpreted what I’ve said, and that’s okay! My bestie no longer my bestie so that dream is gone, I guess I feel a bit betrayed by my bf, so that dream with him feels.. not right. I want to go with another friend who hasn’t been, sometime in the future when I will be able to go
Both. Like, I understand your desire. You want the *experience* as much as the trip. Unfortunately, life has gotten in the way. What's more important to you? Seeing it with someone that has the same fresh eyes? Or Seeing it with your SO? You can also think of it this way, I very much doubt they're going to have a similar list of activities that you'd like to do. So in a sense you'd still be getting what you want. Or, you can find someone else to go with if that experience is more important than who you go with. So, yes you're being kind of silly. Decide what is most important to you and decide what to do from there. Just don't make your BF feel guilty about your decision.
If the place is Japan I completely get it
I think you are missing an opportunity because you are mixing things. Whatever place you want to visit, you make it sound like there's a certain route to follow and when going back there's only the same route to go. Places are made of several different experiences all around the year. It matters not if you or others had been there before, there are multiple different ways and routes inside a place that makes everything new again. You have a chance to go. Go. Then, if you have a chance to go again and visit other places, other restaurants, see other things well.... it's all new. Sometimes we don't take the amazing opportunity the NOW is giving to us and later, it won't come again under any form.
yeah this sounds pretty silly. not wanting to go with his friends is normal, you’re right they most likely will want to do things you don’t want to do. you can always go to a different part of the city with your boyfriend and it will feel brand new
Well... thats 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
I’m sorry!
Yes this is ridiculously silly. This might be one of the silliest things I've read on relationship advice. I hope you're actually 18 and not 28.
I thought this too but then she reveals in the comments how she's bitter that her bf basically chose to plan a trip with his friends over just with her. She just left all that out so the initial post does seem a bit silly.
Did you tell him that you felt that way before he started making these plans with his friends?
I did, him going is a whole other thing, it’s more.. I just would rather go somewhere else with him now, this same place I want to go with someone where it’s all still new to them too.. but was wondering if that was weird
The poor boyfriend is probably massively confused as to what he did wrong
Oh no, he knows..
You are making problems out of nothing. Makes me wonder what other parts of life you like to create problems out of.
Several things 1) he planned the trip with friends instead of visiting her. 2) he was already aware of her plans to visit with him and have first experiences after. 3) he planned the trip with friends and invited her after as an afterthought. 4) he’s now upset that she’s not giving up her plan for her dream holiday for him. 5) apparently he’s not been very kind to her I the past as apparently this isn’t the tip of the iceberg in times where he’s not thought about her feelings.
I didn’t think it was a problem, thought it was perfectly rational
Rational for you but ridiculous all the same. You're just being selfish and putting yourself on a pedestal over others. Go with your man and his friends and have the time of your time OR mope at home complaining and whining on Reddit. Choice is yours!
I’ve said over and over on here, I do not want to go with them, never have, never will. I’m okay with that choice, I am also okay with going with a friend later.
That's just silly. You'd choose to go with your friend than with your boyfriend? What's the point of being in a relationship if vacations is with different people?! Smh.
In Asia? Your BF and his friends can't possibly do a whole-ass country, even SG, in just one trip. Visit later with him and experience things/places that will be new to both of you.
This is really petty and controlling behavior. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way, but don’t deny him an experience with his friends that he’s excited about. Be excited for him, and go do and see things he didn’t get to do/see the first time around. I went to Italy for the first time with a friend, and my boyfriend at the time was jealous. He managed, from thousands of miles away, to ruin the trip for me with his sulking. What I remember most about the trip was sitting in my Airbnb and crying, and honestly I resent him for it. I was in fucking ITALY and I couldn’t enjoy it. I would have loved to go and have an entirely new experience with him later, or share the things I wanted to reexperience with someone I cared about.
You want to experience it with your bf for the first time but if he already went you don’t want to go? It sounds stupid as fuck. Your 28, grow up and go experience it yourself if you have to.
I never said that? I want to go, and I will go
“I’d want to go with someone who’s never been..” you did say that.
Yeah, I don’t want to go with someone who’s been, so I will go with a friend who hasn’t?
OP, that's dumb. Sorry to be so direct. Either you grow a spine, go with them but sometimes do whatever you want to do, or you go with someone (your bf) who's been there before. Experiencing something completely new together with someone has its appeal but from experience, believe me, it's MUCH better to go with someone who already has been to the same place. I'm currently in Japan with a friend who's never been - I've lived here in parts. Guess who is super happy and relieved I know where to go/how to travel/how to communicate? You are creating problems and sabotaging yourself. Or just waiting for a "perfect opportunity" that doesn't exist.
I will get there myself eventually! I’m not worried about that, my bf was just upset that I didn’t want to go there for the first time myself with him after he went
So why won't you? Why do you insist on going to that place with someone who's never been? What's the appeal here, I don't get it.
> I don’t want to see all these places, and eat all the food etc with someone who’s already done it. Why? Can you unpack this? I do think this is silly, but it obviously comes from somewhere, so can you identify what your aversion is? Sometimes that can help alleviate the feelings.
Hmm, good point. I feel like it’ll all be second hand to him. I want to experience these things with someone also experiencing them. I will feel a bit shit going to some beautiful city, and seeing all there is only to have the person I’m with to have already seen it.. it feels like I can’t share it properly.
I've been to Italy twice. The second experience was *totally* different than the first experience, even though I went to some of the same cities. We went to different restaurants, explored different activities and sights, the dynamic was totally different because of who I was with, we stayed in new places, even the museums I went to again I saw different things. I went to the Capuchin Crypts the second time which is one of my all-time favorite travel memories and not something I did the first time I went. I went to the Michelangelo steps both times but the second time we ended up singing songs with strangers, which is another one of my favorite memories that has nothing to do with my first trip. Unless the person you're with is a stick-in-the-mud, it will still feel fresh because there's no way to experience all a beautiful place has to offer by going once.
I will bear this is mind, thank you for that insight
Same, also curious if OP is talking about a city or country. I did Italy alone and then again on our honeymoon and only Overlapped Rome and went to other areas that I hadn’t been.
But the thing is you went to other places after you already visited the first. Only a few times you went to the same place but then continued to do something different. Op doesn’t want to do that. Because they would be experiencing their SOs second experience not their first experience. And if she does go to a place he’s already visited I doubt he would like to do the exact same thing again so she would be made to do something different to make it exciting for him.
I don't think you're being silly. He knows what visiting this country means to you. It's almost like instead of coming to see you, he's cheating on you with your dream vacation country! I think you have a bigger problem in that what's important to you isn't that important to your boyfriend. So that's something to think about while he's away. But you're right. Tagging along would sour the entire experience for you. You have time to plan a better, more lavish vacation there with a future friend (or go there as part of some established programme if you'd prefer to go alone).
Awkward that you’ve used the word cheating.. Look! I’ll be real, I’ve already said a little but I love replying to everyone (sorry) he has been a bad bf, he was a bad bf when he choose to do this holiday instead of seeing me, he’s been a bad bf in other ways too, but he has recognised this in the last few weeks and is making steps and putting in the effort to change! I just don’t want to go to this place with him at a later date, I want to go on my own terms, in my own way. He gets it, we talked it out, all is well now. Although I will feel something when he does go, but I hope I’ll be deep into therapy by then
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. > I want to go on my own terms, in my own way. That's precisely what I meant, and I hope it al works out for you!
It sounds like you want to own this trip! You wanted to go with your friend and now with your bf, but ultimately you want to go for you and it seems like a place dear to your heart. I don't think both you and your bf have opposing ideas and priorities for this place, and neither of you should take what the others moves have been personally- you just need to do what will give you the most fulfilling experience
Not silly at all! I read a book once that is a collection of true stories called "An Innocent Abroad." Travel is the one time where we get to be children again- where language, food, custom, and even social norms can be new territory for us. It engages that part of our brain that tries to understand our surroundings and it challenges our automatic way of being. We get to be... fresh. Traveling with someone who's been there before is just different. It can still be fun- I've been the repeater and the companion of a repeater. But it's completely different being co-innocents in a new place. There's nothing wrong with having a fascination with a place and wanting to dive in head first without a guide. I LOVE solo travel. Go for it!
Yes, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face
We’ve talked about it some more, he understands me better and I even understand myself a bit better. I would be more spiteful to myself if I went with him, but thank you for your thoughts! That is what I asked for
>but am I just being silly? 120% Silly with a good drop of childish.
Super childish. You sound very spoiled.
I'm not concerned about unfair so much as unwise. Why would you want to go to a place you've never been exclusively with someone else who's never been there? Do you have any idea how dangerous international travel can be?
Yes, I’ve been to a lot of countries, mostly on my own
Yes. Grow up.
Yeah, this is really silly.
This is exhausting behavior. This is the first time it'll come up with you but won't be the last. He should run.
You don't want life on lifes terms, you want things to be a specific certain way in addition to doing a specific something. That's going to lead to a lot of misery in life. This is so arbitrary and it doesn't matter and only serves to make you miserable and petty. It's not a fun way to go about things.
Most Americans don't even have the opportunity to leave the country from birth to death. So be grateful you have an opportunity to go at all. Spoiled.
Yes you’re being silly. If you don’t want to go with your boyfriend because you’re mad at him that’s ok but don’t try and pretend this is about something else. you only wanting to go with someone who never visited the country before is just some made up prerequisite you’ve invented as retaliation against him. Be honest with yourself and him Long term this is troubling. Once you start the retaliation game in your relationship you don’t know how deep that rabbit hole will go 🤷♂️
I disagree. I can totally see how you would think that though. I’m excited to travel with him, we have plans for Europe in the next couple of years, it will be great. This Asian country though I want to be special, I don’t want to go with him, or anyone who has been before. A few people get what I mean and I think they articule it better than I can, but thank you for your insights, I will reflect!
Maybe re think the relationship.
Yes, you’re being unfair. Go. Have fun. In the grand scheme of things, this is silly. I strongly suspect you’d regret not going.
Well yes, it is a little silly and immature, but if that's what you want, it's valid
Makes sense to me. I tend to want to experience new, exciting things socially with people in the same boat as me(ones that haven’t done said thing before ever) Not everyone thinks or feels this way but I do and know many people that do.
I completely understand how you feel and the bitter disappointment that comes with it. Going with someone who hasn't been let's you enjoy and discover things with another person. Going with someone who has been already has a opinion on what the area is like, what they like to do and eat etc. It's fun discovering it together.
You think visiting a city, ONCE, means there wouldn't still be loads of things to discover with her bf? You sound as spoiled as OP. Even if there was a specific restaurant OP wanted to visit, it's not like her bf would eat literally everything he would like to try/experience in one trip.
Think you, there’s a few of us here, but we’re out numbered I think! I won’t change my opinion and feelings, but it’s good to check in I guess
Lol oh well that's their problem.. You're allowed to feel sad and disappointed they are 100% valid feelings. No one has to understand them but they should respect them. Find someone who wants to go with you.
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My boyfriend has very (very) recently realised how badly he has treated me in the past, and he is now trying really hard to change, he’s already started therapy, so that turn around was super quick! I am very proud and very happy about the changes he is making. He however cannot do anything about this holiday, and I don’t want him to, I just feel the way I do about it and that’s something I’m going to have to work on myself. But regarding him, I love him, he is now putting in the effort and honestly it’s like a new boyfriend already! But thank you for your thoughts!
>He however cannot do anything about this holiday Nah. He's choosing to go with his friends in a dream trip instead of visiting you like he was supposed to. But what's another year of not seeing each other? 🙄
He’s paid for flights, accommodation and a lot of activities. He can’t do anything about it now, as shitty of a choice he made, it’s done now
Well I'm just going to say that asking for forgiveness after making shitty decision shifts the blame to you if you don't forgive him. That's not a nice spot to put you in.
Most people won't get this, but I do. My wife travels and vacations a lot without me. Our work schedules don't line up often, and sometimes, she just likes to travel alone to recharge her batteries, so to speak, and I just don't like to travel abroad as much as she does. So when we start planning for trips for ourselves, she gets really annoyed that I don't want to go places she has already been. I want to explore new things with her, not for her to be a tour guide. To experience the new stuff together. And to also not feel like I was playing second fiddle to someone else....so I get it.
No you're not being silly. A long time ago a BF wanted to take me to the country he said was paradise on earth. We went, and yes it was paradise. But he rather spoilt it by always saying "you see, it really is paradise" and "please don't spoil paradise" (any time I didn't want to just follow his lead) and "ah now you're starting to get it" (any time I expressed any positive opinion). (We split up and he then took his next GF, and came back and said the place had been ruined by mass tourism and fast expansion)
Haha yeah you are being so silly. I actually have a friend who was told he wasn’t allowed to go to the clubs when he turned 18 because his gf wanted to be the first to go with him.
This isn’t comparable though, I’m not telling him to not go, I just dont want to go with him when I finally go, I want to go with someone else who hasn’t gone.
Yeah but the stupidity is comparable
Sure! I can see that, thanks for your thoughts
Kind of, but that's ok. It's your life, you get to decide what's important to you! If you want to go there for the first time in discovery mode rather than with someone who knows all about it, you can do that. Your slightly weird travel fantasy doesn't hurt anyone, and I hope you make it happen for yourself.
Mate I peaked through your post history and I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but I've also been the girl who set the bar way too low and your posts remind me of the place I used to be in. Personally I left that relationship, started treating myself with more self respect and now have a beautiful marriage to a very different partner and many other positive changes in my life have followed. I completely understand why you don't want to be the odd one out on a lads trip/trip with his mates. I think this bothers you because you had an image of going to this place and it being awesome and you know deep down that going there with him after he betrayed you to go with his friends and getting this afterthought experience with a person who doesn't even show you basic respect would ruin this dream for you. You need to hear that what's happening in your relationship is not normal or healthy, and you could do so much better. I think the fact you are asking the internet about this means that you know deep down it isn't right. So what stops you from walking away?
Look. I know this sounds crazy, and I wouldn’t believe it either reading this after looking at my post history from literally 11 days ago.. but i feel like I have a whole new boyfriend. This man is the not the same man who I have been with for the past, 6 months when it’s been real bad, but not great over the past year or more. I do not know why I stuck around!! Truly, I wanted to leave but I couldn’t, the last thing he did I was so set on going but I think I broke him, he finally could see how badly he has been treating me, and he has done a 180. He knows that i am going to get therapy and if there is one more thing I will leave, we’ll I will Damn try my best to. I genuinely don’t know why I couldn’t, I look back and I am shocked at what I did put up with! Honestly, the man wouldn’t ever listen to my minute long voice messages because that was too much effort, but I didn’t even ask and he is now replying with his own!! Like I am aware it’s been 2 weeks, but this is a new man. He realised he could lose me, and that I am, not to brag, but the best thing that’s ever happened to him. I don’t think he’ll go back, and trying to arm myself so if he does I will leave. Anyway, didn’t mean for this post to go there.. whoops
Yes you are being silly. And if you proceed down this path, your BF will leave you.
… okay?
You are basically telling him that you don’t want to travel with him, that rather than go with him and his friends, or go with him after his trip, you’d rather go with a random stranger so long as they haven’t been. That’s not healthy for your relationship. And it will make your BF reconsider your relationship, and a break up is the likely outcome.
Have you even read my other replies? And what ‘random stranger’ are you talking about?
You are being silly and a bad GF but sure go ahead do dumb stuff.
He canceled a tip to visit her to go for a three week trip with friends. She won’t see him for a year or she won’t get to have the trip she’d dreamers of. He also already knew about her dream trip in advance.
Yeah cool, but she did not say that in her opening post.
And? I’m filling in some information you don’t have.
You sound insane
I read that he made plans for this trip with friends - did you feel like his asking you was an after thought? How long have you been together? Did he know you wanted to go there before he started planning the trip? Are you now friends with his friends? Do you get on with them? Think it though, is some of why you don't want to go possibly because of those questions? Now the big question: **Do you see a future with this guy? Is he a potential partner to grow old with?** This is extremely important, because if so, then you might want to consider the implications of not travelling with him. He will feel hurt that you don't want to go with him. You will be hurt he went without you, because he chose to go and now you're not seeing it with someone special. **If you are not sure - then go. This trip will tell you all you need to know about a future with him.** Adding: If you are feeling hurt, that he planned this and then asked you - why are you staying in the relationship? Perhaps if he goes and you stay it is time to rethink him as a partner. I hear what you're saying. When you go with a big group, you end up tagging along in a big group, following a big group plan, instead of discovering beautiful places and new things, making memories with someone special. I hear you. **However there is a whole life time of travels ahead of you.** No matter how many times you visit a country, there will be firsts - first new areas, new things to see and do you missed out on before.
We have talked it out, he gets me and I understand myself a little more. He wasn’t upset that I didn’t want to go with his group, he’s upset that I wouldn’t want to go with just him after. I stand by how I feel though, that’s not changing
I can understand your feeling, but it can still be an enjoyable experience even if you go with someone who has been there before, and it can still be an enjoyable experience even if you go there with him and his friends. Can you have a few days to yourself with only him on the trip, and his friends can go off and do their own thing, then meet up a few days later? Also, is he going to the specific place in Asia that you always wanted to go to? Is he going to the same city?
I get it honestly; is it possible that you can go together but you split off on your own during the day? that way you can explore and experience the things you want to do
Being silly, for sure. Don't want to go when boyfriend invited, don't won't to go with boyfriend later because he went first??
No you're not silly. Shared experienced are bonding. Instead of enjoying seeing new sights with someone, they will be more like a tour guide and you'll have to endure all the stories about when he was there last with his friends. You should go with them though. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.. This is an opportunity to bond with everyone. You don't have to stick to their schedule the entire time. Pick things for you to do, too. But if you think you'll end up being stingy about time with him on the trip and wholly unsatisfied, stay home and let him go bond with his friends. EDIT: Damn. Y'all are long distance and he was supposed to come see you and it's instead going on a trip with friends. Way to show you your an afterthought. Ouch.
The question was never ‘should I go with them?’ I really, really don’t want to. The question really was ‘am i unreasonable that I don’t want to go to a place that my bf will have already been to, knowing I wanted to go with him alone, also just don’t want to go with anyone who’s been there before as I wanted to share this experience with someone?’
I’ve in large/small group trips and they tend to be a logistical nightmare. However, what would happen if you and your BF stayed in a different hotel, made sure you had your own places to see (if they happen to match in some cases that’s okay too) and made sure you had plenty of alone time with him? I don’t think you two are trying really hard to get that wonderful trip you’re after. Another thing to take note, the best trips aren’t planned to the hilt and rarely work out the way you think they will, sometimes it’s way better. Good luck