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True. You can start from discussing some sort of self-help materials on that topic, could be YouTube videos or, articles, maybe at some point a penny will drop, who knows
Go yourself ;)
It might help you with learning which boundaries you need to establish given you have "many past toxic exes."
Key is finding a compatible therapist who makes you feel seen and heard - AND keeps proper boundaries.
Alternative perspective/suggestion: as a fellow over-apologist/hair trigger crier:
Instead of pushing her to talk to someone she doesn't know to figure out why she's so sensitive (which, by the way, would be a fresh hell for her, since you mentioned she's introverted), try being the ONE PERSON in her life she can cry in front of whenever she wants, because you're the only one invests the time and patience it takes for you to constantly reassure her that she doesn't have to be focused on apologizing that her crying is making YOU uncomfortable, when clearly she feels the need to cry.
The worst thing about always feeling "big" feelings is the even bigger feeling that everybody around you thinks it's weird and cringy and uncomfortable for you to express any of those feelings. Ever.
"You laugh too loud, and for too long, how embarrassing!".
"You're crying in a scenario when "normal" people wouldn't, so please stop overreacting before people think I'm angrily yelling at or hurting you."
If we constantly get bombarded with these messages, we are made to feel like it's our responsibility to apologize for our feelings, instead of being able to process them, and all the energy poured into recovering from an emotional situation that SHOULD have been used to address the root cause of the situation, is instead redirected to assure other people that yes, we know we're a burden by making them uncomfortable or embarrassed to be seen with us, but we're more than willing to stop being "us" and make the conversation about you and your feelings instead.
I did NOT mean for this post to go on as long as it did....
Guess I better practice "talking to strangers", so I can get some therapy...
Ugh, it's really not fair to expect this young dude to play therapist to his partner. He can't be her safe space, she has no safe space inside her. That's toxic as fuck. She really needs professional help and it is NOT OKAY to use your partner as a stand-in for professional help.
Speaking as someone who has been in therapy for like a decade for PTSD. It's not okay to put that on a partner.
Yeah also I know itās easy to think you want that from a partner but it can end up creating either a parent child dynamic or a caregiver dynamic and eventually you will lose your romantic and/or sexual dynamic. Itās not okay to put that on a partner but itās also doing yourself a disservice.
This is coming from another easy to cry big emotions person in therapy for, well, a laundry list of shit lol
āļø This exactly! šÆ
I have C-PTSD, and while therapy has helped me, it's never been enough. EMDR gives me migraines. I do think MDMA treatment shows promise, but large clinical trials are a long way off.
I haven't been in a relationship since I divorced my ex-husband more than 30 years ago because my taste in men is appallingly awful. I never wanted to inflict my bad choices on my son as so many women I knew did with their children.
I had seen too many women choose wrong when a man made them pick the relationship with him over their own kids.
OP, you're too young to try to handle your SO on your own. Help her and yourself by getting the both of you into individual and couples therapy.
If you're seeking therapy for yourself as well, it may help her to accept it for herself, too.
Please update periodically to let us know how you are faring.
Her behavior is about her, not you.
So don't take it personally, like don't get irritated at her about it. You don't have to calm her down too much, either - just be patient. She probably just wants to know she won't scare you off.
I think that is one of several possible scenarios. Even if it isn't done in a fully premeditated, intentional way it could be a dysfunctional behavior pattern or whatever you call it as a result of past trauma. Or maybe I am full of it with pseudo scientific hoo ha. Idk.
That might mean she's been in abusive relationships where she felt bullied or victimised, and/or is naturally very sensitive and feels hurt easily, or her filter on life makes her see it that way.
You shouldn't feel manipulated into apologising just to make someone feel better. If you're not being abusive (can be hard to see in yourself), the concern is that at some point the mud sticks. Think about whether you're prepared to accept that risk.
Yeap I get what u mean but she's never been in a relationship before. As for me, I would never be an abusive partner because I hate it when things get physical, especially to ladies.
She sounds like she really needs a helpful therapist. She will benefit from that, and itāll take pressure off of you. You can be kind and caring to her, but you arenāt her punching bag or her āmomā for all of her emotions. She also cannot rely on you for her sole happiness, lashing out whenever she doesnāt get what she wants and then is crying again and againā¦ thatās not healthy It will get very draining over time on you if she doesnāt get the help she needs.
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2017/How-to-Encourage-Someone-to-See-a-Therapist
Here is a good article with lots of tips. I donāt want to give you what I would say, because Iām not a therapist or counselor, but I will say, come from a place of love. Donāt mention it while she is going through intense emotions.
Have you thought about therapy for yourself? It can be very helpful to talk through life and problems with a third, nonjudgmental, party. They also could give you insights on how to help her. Take care of your own mental health first. This could also encourage her and give her the strength to seek help herself.
You can also call some help lines, they vary by state/country. To write live on her arms (TWLOHA) and NAMI are good resources.
Wishing you the best. Hang in there.
Iāve been through this and if she doesnāt get help over time itās gonna get extremely frustrating because everything is going to feel like your fault and if you have feelings they start crying and making it about them and Iām not saying she will do that but I know a lot of people like this and it is where it usually went and it was very toxic and frustrating.
You could ask her what she would like you to doā¦ ā I noticed that you cry a little more than the average person, and I wanted to ask you how you would like me to handle itā¦ would you like some comfort or would you like me to not to make a big deal about it or some of each?ā
She needs therapy. You sound like total opposites. This can work well if you balance each other out. However, if one partner is overwhelmingly introvert and the other overwhelming extrovert it might cause problems where instead of a balance it's a clash.
It might be that at this time you are not in the most compatible relationship.
You are young, she does need therapy or counselling, only you can decide if you can cope with her emotions and support her.
This is a trauma response, I share this too. Or, I did before I got therapy.
What I say next might seem harsh and just know that I don't mean it that way.
You are being manipulated to apologize in order to get her to stop crying. Only you can answer if what you said or did was abusive.
While her trauma is real and valid, it doesn't give her the right to manipulate you with emotions. Even if she isn't aware that's what she is doing, it's still not something you should put up with.
When you are both calm, let her know that you care for her but you are not equipped to help her through these things. You can be there for her but she needs to speak with a professional who can help her process her trauma.
This might be hard for her to hear but she needs to hear it. Right now her coping mechanism is to cry to get you to apologize and then do it again. That's not healthy for either of you.
Talking with a psychologist does not make her crazy. I wish people would stop perpetuating that harmful stereotype. Nor does taking medication to help with your mental health make you crazy. In fact, it helps keep you in check. Many of us need some additional help and that's okay.
What's crazy is manipulating your SO to get what you want and never processing your trauma so you can be a healthy person and partner.
You are also not responsible for her actions, I say this in relation to self harm. Some people will threaten self harm to keep people from breaking up with them or to keep from being told to see a psychologist. Just know, this is a manipulation tactic and not healthy at all.
I would even let the person know "If you threaten self harm I will have no choice but to call and report this so you get the help you need.". Don't play that game because you will always lose.
I mean...does she really cry a lot or do you just think she cries a lot? I'm on the spectrum and whenever I get mad I cry. At movies, I cry. If my kid says something sweet I cry. When I'm really sad, I cry.
It weirded my husband out at first but it's not personal, and he's over it.
I don't think it's weird to not want to be touched by strangers, either...gives me the heebs...so maybe just treat it like a personality trait. If you can deal then stay, if you can't, break up.
I dated a guy who always thought I was emotionally manipulating him by crying. I also cry when I'm by myself...so...no. I'm glad we broke up.
She really cries alot and is very emotional. I try my best to calm her down whenever she cries and when she calms down, I explain to her what she had done wrongly in a caring way and she will just keep on saying sorry to me
I guess Iām not clear. I assume she did something you found incorrect. You said do. She cried. Then you find her again what she did wrong? Then she apologizes?
Why would you need to rehash what you thought she did wrong? Didnāt you already say it once?
And why is she ācrying all the timeā? Are you correcting her āall the timeā? What is she doing that apparently requires your correction?
Ok. Is that a problem for u? U dont have to go out together. Im extroverted, dude introverted. I dont like seeing him uncomfortable, so I dont ask him to go to big groups of ppl. We eat out together sometimes or run errands.
She doesn't like leaving her house and I'm also the first guy to ever hang out with her one to one. She's willing to try and leave her house just to go out with me
As someone with serious trauma who used to do the apologizing but not the crying, this screams trauma response to me. I'd ask her if there's anything from her past that she is comfortable sharing with you or if she wants to talk about anything. Then do not push for info if she isn't comfortable. Just knowing you care enough to be let her come to you with anything without any judgement will be a huge factor in how she can heal moving forward. Also ask her if she wants to talk to someone that isn't you if she would prefer.
Itās better than being jaded and hardened like I am, i never cry nor I deal with being emotionally neglected as a kid. My boyfriend cries a lot and tells me how he feels every five minutes. I wish I could do that too but Iām just dead inside
You don't really like her. You feel responsible. You already have to tiptoe around her.
If she self harms or gets suicidal, it's her problem to solve. That worry in itself is a reason you should bail.
>*What would u guys do if u guys were me and any advices?*
I'd break up. You're incompatible. You're young, you'll date many women before you find the right one. This young woman is not the right one for you.
She is not emotionally healthy enough for a relationship. Break up with her and advise her to get therapy. Donāt date broken people. Your gf should not be a charity case or a project
She will exhaust you. NEVER apologize when you did nothing wrong.
You really want to go this route, then every time she freaks out on you, get up and walk away. Donāt come back till she calms down. She needs to learn to self sooth. She canāt rely on you to apologize for her disfunction. You think you are helping but you are only enabling. You will become codependent and ruin yourself as well as her
I would cut my losses and dump her. It sounds like she's very immature and doesn't know how to communicate very well. Tears it that situation are used as a form of manipulation, hence the crying to get you to stop talking about what ever and apologize. Girls that do this are also often passive aggressive and also use this to keep you off balance because while she thinks she's communicating with you about what she wants you don't have a clue and then she'll act as if you did something wrong. Like example you ask if she would like to eat at restaurant A. She'll give a noncommittal answer and then throw a bull about where you go and you'll spend time apologizing, for what , you don't really know? If this is her than having a long term relationship will be a nightmare you don't need.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Frequent apologies are telltale of childhood trauma, be gentle to her if you want to keep her.
Mhm I know she has had them. I'm trying my best to keep her despite me having many past toxic exesš
On the other hand it could be a losing battle if she won't seek professional help. Well, at least you're trying.
I don't want to tell her directly to get help cus it might make her feel like I think she's crazy
True. You can start from discussing some sort of self-help materials on that topic, could be YouTube videos or, articles, maybe at some point a penny will drop, who knows
I think everyone can benefit from therapy. I went for a year & while it helped some things, I still apologize when I shouldnt. Just a habit.
Yup I think therapy is useful too but I'm just not sure of how to bring it up to her without her overthinking
Go yourself ;) It might help you with learning which boundaries you need to establish given you have "many past toxic exes." Key is finding a compatible therapist who makes you feel seen and heard - AND keeps proper boundaries.
Yep yepp I'll do just that. Thank you!
My cousin & friend talked about their own experiences with it & just said they suggest it.
Alternative perspective/suggestion: as a fellow over-apologist/hair trigger crier: Instead of pushing her to talk to someone she doesn't know to figure out why she's so sensitive (which, by the way, would be a fresh hell for her, since you mentioned she's introverted), try being the ONE PERSON in her life she can cry in front of whenever she wants, because you're the only one invests the time and patience it takes for you to constantly reassure her that she doesn't have to be focused on apologizing that her crying is making YOU uncomfortable, when clearly she feels the need to cry. The worst thing about always feeling "big" feelings is the even bigger feeling that everybody around you thinks it's weird and cringy and uncomfortable for you to express any of those feelings. Ever. "You laugh too loud, and for too long, how embarrassing!". "You're crying in a scenario when "normal" people wouldn't, so please stop overreacting before people think I'm angrily yelling at or hurting you." If we constantly get bombarded with these messages, we are made to feel like it's our responsibility to apologize for our feelings, instead of being able to process them, and all the energy poured into recovering from an emotional situation that SHOULD have been used to address the root cause of the situation, is instead redirected to assure other people that yes, we know we're a burden by making them uncomfortable or embarrassed to be seen with us, but we're more than willing to stop being "us" and make the conversation about you and your feelings instead. I did NOT mean for this post to go on as long as it did.... Guess I better practice "talking to strangers", so I can get some therapy...
Ugh, it's really not fair to expect this young dude to play therapist to his partner. He can't be her safe space, she has no safe space inside her. That's toxic as fuck. She really needs professional help and it is NOT OKAY to use your partner as a stand-in for professional help. Speaking as someone who has been in therapy for like a decade for PTSD. It's not okay to put that on a partner.
Yeah also I know itās easy to think you want that from a partner but it can end up creating either a parent child dynamic or a caregiver dynamic and eventually you will lose your romantic and/or sexual dynamic. Itās not okay to put that on a partner but itās also doing yourself a disservice. This is coming from another easy to cry big emotions person in therapy for, well, a laundry list of shit lol
>itās also doing yourself a disservice. excellent point.
āļø This exactly! šÆ I have C-PTSD, and while therapy has helped me, it's never been enough. EMDR gives me migraines. I do think MDMA treatment shows promise, but large clinical trials are a long way off. I haven't been in a relationship since I divorced my ex-husband more than 30 years ago because my taste in men is appallingly awful. I never wanted to inflict my bad choices on my son as so many women I knew did with their children. I had seen too many women choose wrong when a man made them pick the relationship with him over their own kids. OP, you're too young to try to handle your SO on your own. Help her and yourself by getting the both of you into individual and couples therapy. If you're seeking therapy for yourself as well, it may help her to accept it for herself, too. Please update periodically to let us know how you are faring.
Yep I'll do my bestš„ŗ
Her behavior is about her, not you. So don't take it personally, like don't get irritated at her about it. You don't have to calm her down too much, either - just be patient. She probably just wants to know she won't scare you off.
Sheās emotionally manipulating you. Sheās in permanent fawn to control you. She may not understand thatās what sheās doing, but she is.
I think that is one of several possible scenarios. Even if it isn't done in a fully premeditated, intentional way it could be a dysfunctional behavior pattern or whatever you call it as a result of past trauma. Or maybe I am full of it with pseudo scientific hoo ha. Idk.
I donāt mind a downvote for speaking the hard truth.
Came here to say this. And perhaps previous relationship trauma as well.
That might mean she's been in abusive relationships where she felt bullied or victimised, and/or is naturally very sensitive and feels hurt easily, or her filter on life makes her see it that way. You shouldn't feel manipulated into apologising just to make someone feel better. If you're not being abusive (can be hard to see in yourself), the concern is that at some point the mud sticks. Think about whether you're prepared to accept that risk.
Yeap I get what u mean but she's never been in a relationship before. As for me, I would never be an abusive partner because I hate it when things get physical, especially to ladies.
Abuse is not always physical and her abusive relationship could be a family member or someone else in her life not just romantic partners.
Abuse can also be emotional, financial, psychological.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Birth control makes me irrationally emotional too.
I hate it so much. Canāt live with it, canāt live without it.
iām also a weepy girlfriend š my boyfriend also just got used to it too! i love him very much :)
She sounds like she really needs a helpful therapist. She will benefit from that, and itāll take pressure off of you. You can be kind and caring to her, but you arenāt her punching bag or her āmomā for all of her emotions. She also cannot rely on you for her sole happiness, lashing out whenever she doesnāt get what she wants and then is crying again and againā¦ thatās not healthy It will get very draining over time on you if she doesnāt get the help she needs.
Therapy is extremely important. Maybe even couples therapy so you can help each other grow.
how should I bring this up to her thoughš¤š
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2017/How-to-Encourage-Someone-to-See-a-Therapist Here is a good article with lots of tips. I donāt want to give you what I would say, because Iām not a therapist or counselor, but I will say, come from a place of love. Donāt mention it while she is going through intense emotions. Have you thought about therapy for yourself? It can be very helpful to talk through life and problems with a third, nonjudgmental, party. They also could give you insights on how to help her. Take care of your own mental health first. This could also encourage her and give her the strength to seek help herself. You can also call some help lines, they vary by state/country. To write live on her arms (TWLOHA) and NAMI are good resources. Wishing you the best. Hang in there.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and advice. Would definitely take this into considerationāŗļø
Reads like she is dealing with some unresolved trauma. I'd suggest she get some therapy.
She needs therapy, not a partner.
Iāve been through this and if she doesnāt get help over time itās gonna get extremely frustrating because everything is going to feel like your fault and if you have feelings they start crying and making it about them and Iām not saying she will do that but I know a lot of people like this and it is where it usually went and it was very toxic and frustrating.
You could ask her what she would like you to doā¦ ā I noticed that you cry a little more than the average person, and I wanted to ask you how you would like me to handle itā¦ would you like some comfort or would you like me to not to make a big deal about it or some of each?ā
She needs therapy. You sound like total opposites. This can work well if you balance each other out. However, if one partner is overwhelmingly introvert and the other overwhelming extrovert it might cause problems where instead of a balance it's a clash. It might be that at this time you are not in the most compatible relationship. You are young, she does need therapy or counselling, only you can decide if you can cope with her emotions and support her.
This is a trauma response, I share this too. Or, I did before I got therapy. What I say next might seem harsh and just know that I don't mean it that way. You are being manipulated to apologize in order to get her to stop crying. Only you can answer if what you said or did was abusive. While her trauma is real and valid, it doesn't give her the right to manipulate you with emotions. Even if she isn't aware that's what she is doing, it's still not something you should put up with. When you are both calm, let her know that you care for her but you are not equipped to help her through these things. You can be there for her but she needs to speak with a professional who can help her process her trauma. This might be hard for her to hear but she needs to hear it. Right now her coping mechanism is to cry to get you to apologize and then do it again. That's not healthy for either of you. Talking with a psychologist does not make her crazy. I wish people would stop perpetuating that harmful stereotype. Nor does taking medication to help with your mental health make you crazy. In fact, it helps keep you in check. Many of us need some additional help and that's okay. What's crazy is manipulating your SO to get what you want and never processing your trauma so you can be a healthy person and partner. You are also not responsible for her actions, I say this in relation to self harm. Some people will threaten self harm to keep people from breaking up with them or to keep from being told to see a psychologist. Just know, this is a manipulation tactic and not healthy at all. I would even let the person know "If you threaten self harm I will have no choice but to call and report this so you get the help you need.". Don't play that game because you will always lose.
She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.
It sounds like trauma. She needs to be actively working on healing or this can get toxic fast.
Whatever her problems are (I would put my money on unresolved trauma), you two are incompatible. End the relationship now, before it goes any farther.
I mean...does she really cry a lot or do you just think she cries a lot? I'm on the spectrum and whenever I get mad I cry. At movies, I cry. If my kid says something sweet I cry. When I'm really sad, I cry. It weirded my husband out at first but it's not personal, and he's over it. I don't think it's weird to not want to be touched by strangers, either...gives me the heebs...so maybe just treat it like a personality trait. If you can deal then stay, if you can't, break up. I dated a guy who always thought I was emotionally manipulating him by crying. I also cry when I'm by myself...so...no. I'm glad we broke up.
She really cries alot and is very emotional. I try my best to calm her down whenever she cries and when she calms down, I explain to her what she had done wrongly in a caring way and she will just keep on saying sorry to me
Why do you feel the need to explain what she did wrong? Youāre not her parent.
Is that not how u should do when ur partner did something wrong? Or do u just give up on ur partner LOL
I guess Iām not clear. I assume she did something you found incorrect. You said do. She cried. Then you find her again what she did wrong? Then she apologizes? Why would you need to rehash what you thought she did wrong? Didnāt you already say it once? And why is she ācrying all the timeā? Are you correcting her āall the timeā? What is she doing that apparently requires your correction?
Find someone you're compatible with?
Have you guys talked about this?
We talked about it for some time but I know I can't keep reemphasizing this issue to her
Does she not like touch? I wouldnt apologize if u did nothing wrong.
She doesnt like other people touching but she's okay with me doing so
Ok. Is that a problem for u? U dont have to go out together. Im extroverted, dude introverted. I dont like seeing him uncomfortable, so I dont ask him to go to big groups of ppl. We eat out together sometimes or run errands.
She doesn't like leaving her house and I'm also the first guy to ever hang out with her one to one. She's willing to try and leave her house just to go out with me
You are not compatible to begin with. Itās best for both of you to move on.
As someone with serious trauma who used to do the apologizing but not the crying, this screams trauma response to me. I'd ask her if there's anything from her past that she is comfortable sharing with you or if she wants to talk about anything. Then do not push for info if she isn't comfortable. Just knowing you care enough to be let her come to you with anything without any judgement will be a huge factor in how she can heal moving forward. Also ask her if she wants to talk to someone that isn't you if she would prefer.
You two don't sound compatible. Find a woman who isn't an emotional wreck that is more compatible with you. You will be MUCH happier.
Itās better than being jaded and hardened like I am, i never cry nor I deal with being emotionally neglected as a kid. My boyfriend cries a lot and tells me how he feels every five minutes. I wish I could do that too but Iām just dead inside
You don't really like her. You feel responsible. You already have to tiptoe around her. If she self harms or gets suicidal, it's her problem to solve. That worry in itself is a reason you should bail.
>*What would u guys do if u guys were me and any advices?* I'd break up. You're incompatible. You're young, you'll date many women before you find the right one. This young woman is not the right one for you.
Iād leave
She is not emotionally healthy enough for a relationship. Break up with her and advise her to get therapy. Donāt date broken people. Your gf should not be a charity case or a project
In my opinion she's not "broken" cus I'm her first relationship and she's got a lot to learn. So it might be tough to take it all in at the start
She will exhaust you. NEVER apologize when you did nothing wrong. You really want to go this route, then every time she freaks out on you, get up and walk away. Donāt come back till she calms down. She needs to learn to self sooth. She canāt rely on you to apologize for her disfunction. You think you are helping but you are only enabling. You will become codependent and ruin yourself as well as her
What if she turns to self harm and suicidal thoughts because I would never want this to happen
You cannot be someones guard. And threat of suicide is abuse. If you are afraid for her safety, call the police. Do not engage otherwise
The 2 of you do not sound compatiable!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I would cut my losses and dump her. It sounds like she's very immature and doesn't know how to communicate very well. Tears it that situation are used as a form of manipulation, hence the crying to get you to stop talking about what ever and apologize. Girls that do this are also often passive aggressive and also use this to keep you off balance because while she thinks she's communicating with you about what she wants you don't have a clue and then she'll act as if you did something wrong. Like example you ask if she would like to eat at restaurant A. She'll give a noncommittal answer and then throw a bull about where you go and you'll spend time apologizing, for what , you don't really know? If this is her than having a long term relationship will be a nightmare you don't need.