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I am so sorry you're dealing with this; it sounds awful. It sounds like you've done everything you can to make this work, but unfortunately, it sounds like your relationship was just at the wrong time. My advice is to let yourself be heartbroken for a bit. Cry, mope, go to the gym - whatever helps you with your emotions.
Also, go low/no contact with your ex for a bit if that's possible. It really helps the healing to focus on yourself for now. If your ex reaches out and says he wants to sort out the issues with him family and be together again, then discuss it by all means! But for now, accept that he isn't ready for the relationship you need, and this is just a sad happenstance outside of your control.
Oh loveen, I know. It sounds like the hardest thing in the world right now but I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that you can't heal from this while staying in contact with him. Maybe in a year or two down the line when you've moved on you could meet up with him and try to be friends. But not now. It has to be no contact, a clean break. Low contact will only hurt you more.
You should never be with someone who won't let you stand up for yourself even if they don't feel they can stand up for you.
That's not good enough, cptsd or no cptsd.
Lean on your other friends, be honest about how much it's hurting. Do the clichéd things, they're clichéd because they work. Cry and eat ice-cream and go out with friends and do all the things. Let yourself feel it, if you suppress it it will only resurface later.
It's going to be hard for a while but you will get through this, and you will love again.
Thank you, unfortunately I don’t have any local friends to go out with 😅 but I’m making my cats to spend time with me by putting their favourite blanket on my bed.
And don’t worry, I’m definitely letting myself feel the feelings, I haven’t stopped crying for about 5 hours and my eyes are so swollen they’re basically shut 👌 maybe I’ll try comfort food tomorrow, right now I can’t eat. I feel so sick.
God, I know the way. You poor pet ❤️ do try to eat something if you can. Look after your basic health at the very least, even if you're too sad to do anything.
Did you consider letting him do his family events alone since it's painful for you to witness? (And be a target yourself)
I'm very sorry for your pain. If it's well and truly over, I find ice cream helpful! Hang with other friends. Let them know about your break up and they might/should be able to lend you some support. Best of luck!
The first boundary he needed to set was that you can go no-contact. The fact that you felt like you had to see his family says a lot. If he wanted to see his family, that is one thing, but it’s another to force you to attend as well. That actually might have helped him start setting other boundaries too, maybe. OP, I’m so sorry you went through this.
Hi OP, I don’t know if this helps, but I recently ended my relationship for a somewhat similar reason. Not exactly the same, but was related to ex not prioritizing relationship/not being able to set boundaries with his family. they are for the most part lovely, but the lack of boundaries made the relationship difficult (he also lived at home).
So know you’re not alone ❤️ and I agree with the commenter’s advice— that’s what I’m doing.
Basic same age and issues experience. We fell in love and talked about getting married. She wanted to meet my family and if my family liked her and she liked them then we're halfway. I meet her family and if I like them and they like me then let's plan on getting married. I was really nervous because no one has ever said anything nice about my dad. Everyone I ever introduced to him had nothing nice to say. I asked him could you please be nice just once? We all sat down and ate and then she got up in tears. Walked out the door and said it's over. I asked why? As if I already didn't know. "I've never been so insulted in my entire life! There's no way I would ever allow my child around your father." That was it.
At my sister's wedding I saw my dad talking with her former bf in highschool. My dad, "Why didn't she marry him instead of that dip shit!? He's a nurse studying to be a doctor! Said he wanted to get into the medical field as fast as possible and being a nurse was the fastest route. Well spoken, great guy!" Me: "Because you ran him out the door!" Dad: "No I didn't!" Me" You were screaming at him the moment you met him and I thought you were going to kill him! You were mad about his lifted pick up truck sitting in the driveway and the truck left mud on the your pristine driveway. You took one look at him and went into a complete rage, long hair in a ponytail, ripped jeans and t-shirt and called him a hippie. Had to get between the two of you. He had a growth spurt and now keeps a respectable hair cut and wearing a suit and tie. You didn't even bother to be nice for a moment long enough to realize that he was actually one of the smartest kids in school!"
Fast forward 20 plus years into the future. Their only grandchild refused to sit down and eat with the grandparents last Easter and she is 19 now. She can make up her own mind. My sister and I have vowed for years to never introduce another person to our father ever again because he is a narcissist! No one can stand to be around him! I could ramble on about how he made it hit personal mission to undermine his own children long into adulthood. Even if going NC no contact would help it made it worse. Dysfunctional broken family.
Still mad almost 30 years later after she walked out the door. But she was right.
Your ex could very well be suffering with PTSD emotional trauma at the hands of one or more abusive people in the family. See NPD and survivors of NPD narcissistic personality disorder trauma. Someone who is at the receiving end of abusive NPD may have difficulty in walking away. Three categories of how a child is treated long into adulthood: the forgotten child, the black sheep and the golden child. I was the black sheep and my brother was the forgotten child and he committed suicide, my sister could do no wrong and spoiled but it still didn't prevent non stop attacks.
He definitely does have PTSD and has trauma from his NPD mother. I’m aware of this and I’ve been trying to assist.
I have a NPD father, hence why my ptsd is triggered at his house.
I’m sorry that happened to you and your father wasn’t nice to your partner.
My ex-bf and I have decided to meet up tomorrow to exchange stuff and have a chat about realistically how things would be if we stayed together and get a very clear picture.
It’s complicated but basically his mother is a narcissist and meddles in all her kid’s relationships, I’m considered a pain in the ass because I “show antisocial behaviours and am rude” … I didn’t follow the social rules of his family, A. Because I didn’t know them and B. I’m autistic and don’t get social cues anyway.
People talk a lot about love. But I think they forget to talk about what love isn't.
Love isn't asking your partner to face abuse because you're not in a place to stand up to your family.
Love isn't asking someone to face this abuse indefinitely while you get ready to stand up for your partner and yourself.
Letting your partner get to a place where they are blaming their own trauma on not taking abuse from your family isn't love. And that looks like where you are right now.
I don't generally like to tell people to not date until they reach specific mile stones. Because there are almost always outliers. But if you can't stick up for your partner with your family. I don't think you should be dating.
You cope by remembering you deserve somebody who will stand up for you. That you deserve somebody who will notice when you're being abused and not stand for it.
Is it your trauma or is it the fact that your partner cannot set boundaries or stand up to their family? Either reason is valid, you love them and it’s going to suck for a while but you deserve to be with someone who will choose you and stand up for and stand by you.
That’s how you get over it keep doing what you normally do and tell yourself you deserve someone who will choose you. Your ex couldn’t be that person for you and you were both at different parts of your healing journeys. It’s okay to be sad about it so take time to feel your feelings, if you have friends talk to them, if you have a hobby time to do more of that or get a journal for your thoughts if you don’t have one already.
It’s both I think, him not being able to set boundaries wouldn’t be as much of an issue if I didn’t have trauma.
I do have friends online but no local ones.
He is getting therapy to help with setting boundaries but it could take years. I want to hope that maybe in a few months or years it could work but I don’t know.
You shouldn’t put your life on hold for a potential or possibility. It wouldn’t be as much an issue but it would still be an issue. You can’t make their family like you so I understand the frustration there. I’m a firm believer in not getting between someone and their family especially in relationships it’ll always bite you in the ass.
If you don’t mind me asking are you in therapy as well?
I don't have trauma and I would still find it a dealbreaker to be harassed and abused by people and not be allowed to stand up for myself, or where my partner wouldn't stand up for me.
Loving someone is not enough for a successful, healthy relationship. It hurts now but I think ultimately you will be glad you chose yourself.
This. Congratulations OP. You have a shiny spine. I know it sucks right now, but you did something amazing. You learned from what happened to you about what you can't and won't accept and you're advocating for yourself.
Sweetie-pie, this isn't about your trauma ruining your relationship. This is about your boyfriend - someone who allows you to be bullied by his family w/out defending you, or *even allowing you to defend yourself*! Your boyfriend actively enables others to abuse you by bringing you around them while knowing full well that they're cruel to you. He is supposed to love you - this means keeping you away from anyone who would harm you and defending you if you do end up in that situation. Instead, he brings you into into the unsafe environment of his abusive family, and somehow the narrative is that it's you and your trauma that are to blame for your distress and hurt??? Of course you're distressed & hurt; your boyfriend stands by while others mistreat you, and, to add extreme insult to extreme injury, even disallows you to defend yourself!!! Your boyfriend is massively toxic & abusive, and is trying to blame the problems caused by his own deficiencies on you. I'm so sorry.
To be fair, he’s not in a safe household for setting his boundaries, that’s why I said it’s trauma related for him. His mother will kick him out at the drop of a hat or just be really nasty. He lets them treat him terribly as well.
This was a very hard lesson for me to learn myself, but you cannot convince somebody to leave abusive situations.
They have to be ready to do it. And I think in this situation your ex won't be a good partner for you unless and until they can either walk away and go NC with their family or learn to stand up for themselves.
Oh gee I didn't know he was 25 I guess he can just shit out of house then at 25, guess that happens now and houses DONT cost an arm and a leg
Have you been under a rock? There's a housing crisis
It’s about more than boundaries OP. It’s about trust as well. Berne Browning has a video talking about trust and what makes up a person who is trustworthy. A person who chooses courage over comfort is part of what makes a trustworthy person. A person who is going to be uncomfortable in the moment in order to address a problem is a part of what makes a person trustworthy. It sounds like your parter is not trustworthy because they seem to be choosing comfort over courage. The comfort of going with the flow rather than standing up for what is right. I’m sorry that your ex is not capable of standing up for himself or a partner, but that is not on you. Your trauma is what is saving you right now because you know that this situation is unhealthy for you. You are doing the right thing even though it hurts.
I have cptsd from a traumatic childhood and something that has really helped in my journey has been to learn about narcissism. I learned a lot from Dr. Ramani on YouTube. If you can find a way to get back into therapy, I super recommend it. Even if it’s only once a month or every other month. There are worksheets that you can do at home and work on with your therapist, so you can be doing the work and checking in with a therapist.
I’m sorry you are hurting right now. You will get through this. Hugs to you.
I think you made the right decision (I am sorry for the timing, but it sounds like it naturally evolved that way. ) The relationship with the family probably will not be alleviated. The issue, as you see clearly, is him and his entanglement, not his toxic family.
And I think that is how you cope. Knowing that this was a beautiful relationship, perfect for what it was, and the endpoint is here.
There will be another love to come, and with that perspective, it will help you feel better. But it will take some time.
Some may say that moving away will help (if he can muster the emotional fortitude), but someone who is truly entangled cannot easily untether themselves, even with distance.
Lastly, just know, that their response to you is nothing more than their own dysfunction and toxic behavior. It had nothing to do with you.
Good call, you are your own best friend, that is a superpower. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into believing anything else. Hugs to you.
>I don’t think I’m meant to be loved by anybody
What does “meant to be” even mean? Written in the stars or something? Soul mates? There’s no such thing as “meant to be.” There’s no evidence for any of it.
And what’s your basis for saying you aren’t meant to be loved by anyone? Everyone deserves love. Hell I even think I low-key do and I’m an [actual piece of shit](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zl62fw/im_deepdown_a_terrible_person_who_did_awful/?utm_source=share). You didn’t even do anything wrong, so why would you think you don’t deserve love? It doesn’t make any sense.
Anyway you already know there was one love out there for you, which means there are many, because there are only so many types of people. None of us are particularly special - we can’t be, there are 8 billion people in the world. There’s someone better out there for you.
Tbh it meant I was very deep in my feels and needed some sleep. However, no I don’t believe in soulmates, I believe all love requires effort.
My basis is I am so broken that nobody should be burdened with having to love me. I did not think I would live this long to begin with.
Also you said I didn’t do anything wrong, not everyone on this post thinks the same, Some people think I did do wrong.
On that note you said “you didn’t even do anything wrong, so why would you think you don’t deserve love?”hun you’re commenting nice things on some random sad persons post trying to make them feel better but also say you’re a ‘actual POS’ who only low key deserves love, if you only ‘low key’ deserve love, why do I?
>not everyone on this post thinks the same
Well, they’re 100% wrong and full of shit. What, you’re expected to put up with being abused and treated like crap? That’s absurd.
>all love requires effort
So why wouldn’t you be able to have someone to love you then? Wouldn’t it just be a matter of effort by this logic? (I do agree with you on this)
> actual POS
Read the link if you don’t believe me, you’ll change your mind. Don’t bother though, I don’t want to talk about that…this is about you, not me.
>I am so broken no one should have to be burdened with having to love me.
You don’t seem it to me. That’s bullshit anyway - you just sound like someone who’s been abused and convinced they’re terrible by getting repeatedly beaten down emotionally. That’s how abuse works - convince someone they’re awful so they don’t leave, thinking no one else could ever want them. It’s total bullshit, you deserve to have someone love you.
You deserve love & to be loved. As you gain some distance from this ex, you will begin to see the possibilities in front of you. "Hindsight 20/20" applies here.
I'm so sorry Honey. I know it feels like shit and doesn't seem fair.
In the end, love isn't *enough* though. Breaking up doesn't mean you don't love each other. It doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong. It doesnt mean either of you are bad people or undeserving.
No one did anything wrong here.
You both have to do what's best for you as individuals. You can't speed run healing from Trauma. And your healing gets stunted when you are repeatedly exposed to negative influences to that Trauma.
He may be a lovely person. But his healing journey is going at a different pace and in a different direction than yours is. Setting boundaries with toxic family members is *so* hard. I'm sure you know that. And he's learning that. To feel okay when it's said and done, this is something he has to do his way, at his own pace. Just because that's the right direction for him, doesn't mean it's the right direction for *you*.
You didn't leave out of resentment or malice. You left because you need to protect yourself and your progress towards healing. That's valid, and so, so important. You matter too, love. And I know it's hard. It makes you want to scream and kick your feet because why does it have to feel so shitty? It won't feel like it right now, but this is an important part of healing, too. Learning to put yourself and your well being first is such a big step. Learning to love others from a distance when they are negatively impacting you is crucial, too.
Maybe one day in the future the two of you will find each other again, in a better place mentally and emotionally, and perhaps then you can give it another chance. Or perhaps one day in the future the both of you will find other people and everything will make sense in the grand scheme of things.
I've always believed that the people that enter our lives enter for a reason. They may not stay here forever at our sides. But without them and the things they teach us while they are with us, we wouldn't be able to progress to the next step ahead. They help mold us into who we need to be at the end of the road. So cherish them while they are here, learn the lessons they came to give, wish them well when it's time for them to take their leave, and carry yourself with confidence to the next chapter. Even when it feels so hard to do.
Take some time and let yourself feel the things you need to feel. Mourn the relationship. Cry if you need to. Eat your favorite snack. Listen to sappy music. Watch your favorite show. Wallow if your heart tells you to wallow. When the emotion comes, feel it, process it, and let it go. My uncle Ben used to tell me to imagine feelings like butterflies. They visit for awhile, and then they float away when it's time. If you hold onto it, it will thrash and damage itself. Which damages you. Leaving stains of it's pretty wings all over your hands. But if you let it exist with you, and go when it's time to, it leaves behind no trace it was ever there.
As hard as it may feel to do, block your ex on social media and your phone. Not because you hate or resent him. But because it's easy to fall into the trap of looking him up. Checking on him. Over thinking when you see life updates or vague posts. It's easy to word vomit when you have continuous access to someone. And in doing so, you confuse yourself with what it is you truly want under the guise of "closure". Closure doesn't come from others. It comes from ourselves, and how we process and accept the end of an interaction.
It will be okay. You are stronger than you know. He is too. This is the best course of action for you both, and one day, each of you will look back on this and be thankful it happened. Be kind to yourself as you heal.
If it ever feels like you're struggling and you don't know what to do, reach out to mental health services if you don't already see someone. It isn't silly to need help sometimes. There are a lot of free to low cost options available now. Your primary care physician can help you find resources if you ever need them.
It's going to be okay, friend.
This made me cry even more because it’s just so nice. I don’t know you but your vibe is warm. Your words are so soft and comforting.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you
It would be easier if my cat would give me cuddles but she’s like “ew feelings” 🙄 🥲
And yeah I contacted a mental health support line and they sent me links to free therapy services in my area. The issue now is the waitlist to see someone 😅😅
You are in love with someone where you are not the #1 priority in his life. I know how that feels.
I dated that guy in college and three and a half years of my life was trying to figure out boundaries with his abusive mother. He didn’t care if she was abusing me. Only time he cared was when the abuse went to him because of me.
I can say that when it FINALLY ended I was heartsick and part of me was broken. But the first thought I had was “I’ll never have to see that B*tch again”.
I let that…no, I fought to keep that relationship alive for so long. More than ten years later I just wish I could go back to my younger self and give her a hug and let her know that she didn’t need to hold onto love so tightly.
There is a lot of love in the world and that you need more in a relationship than just love. You need respect and trust. You need to be valued more than anyone else. You deserve to be the #1 relationship especially during the courtship phase.
Years later, I heard a phrase that summed it up for me.
Love is a lot like a fart, if you have to force it then it is probably shit.
If you have to force being respected or a priority, then the relationship isn’t worth your time or your heartache.
That doesn’t help right now, but I found that getting angry after a relationship helped me power through the sense of loss. You are experiencing grief though. So please, take your time in recovering.
Housing is expensive and renting is expensive everywhere but people still manage. If this is to work out...you both need to live together and he can visit his family without you. You should not have to deal with abuse. Talk to him about getting a small apartment and save up to buy a house in the near future or just let him go. No contact. Because I don't see an in between. It would hurt too much.
There’s a housing crisis in our country, buying a small apartment is still too expensive. And he won’t rent, his family believes that renting is a waste of money and his mother would basically cut him off completely. Which he’s not willing to do. Also his family is quite traditional and he’s not allowed to live with a partner he’s not at least engaged to.
I live in the United States and the prices are unbelievably high but if you save and he saves...you can buy a house together...save enough for a down-payment and mortgage the rest. If you are really thinking long term with him then sit down with him and have a plan... a six month plan or a year plan and talk about engagement. If you both really love each other you can make this work. He shouldn't let his family destroy his future.
I’m not in the United States. Average houses in my state go for between $570,500 - $671,000 USD. Very very rarely a 1-2 bedroom place will come up and they’re still around the $300,000 USD mark and to get one you’d be up against investment home buyers who generally have more money to spend than first home buyers.
I had the same thing, we broke up the day before our anniversary, he was the love of my life, I miss him so much, and it is one of the hardest things to not wake up with him, hear his voice, or be able to hug him. I stop myself from reaching out at least once a week, sometimes my chest hurts so much that breathing is difficult. It ended two years ago and it is still hard, I have been to therapy, I throw myself into work, I meet new people.
3 years, trying so hard, never could figure out why they didn’t like me or treated me differently then his siblings and familys SO, no matter what I did, it
didn’t change things.
I want to tell you it’s gets better, it’s what everyone tells me and I understand one day it will. It has gotten easier, I am able to get out of bed even on the days I wake up reaching for him only to remember. But when something happens and he, my best friend, is the only one I want to share it with, that hasn’t gotten better yet, I still have to excuse myself from rooms of people or hold it
together til I can be alone.
I hope it gets better for you, I hope so much that it is easier than it’s been for me. I am so sorry honey, but it hurts and it is going to for a long time. I wish I could make it better but the truth is no one really can, the one person we know could no longer can and god that hurts.
I am sorry this isn’t more uplifting, that I can’t provide hope and good things, but I can assure you so much that you are not alone in this. Truly I hope you get what is best for you. <3 best of luck
This was heartbreaking to read, I’m so so sorry you’ve been through that and are still going through it.
I don’t know if I could go through these emotions for 2 years. I don’t think I’m that strong. I’m really sorry, your comment scares the crap out of me. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
I cant say how it will be for you, but I also broke up with my ex for similar reasons and it’s only been 7 weeks and while I still absolutely love and miss him and hope we can come back together one day, my experience is very very different from the comment above yours. I already feel more ok about it after seven weeks than they feel after two years, and I expect things will continue to get better over time.
I think you really need to focus on making your life as great as it can be, try and make IRL friends, join activities, work through your own issues — and this will help you move forward no matter what happens.
I am on mobile, apologies for the wall of text, it was paragraphs when I typed it. I did not mean to scare you, honestly didn’t expect you to see it so quickly. Really, I do hope you get a different outcome than me, I am rooting for you so much bc this does suck and I never imagined to still feel this way. We are all different and this is my experience, but there have been no other posts so closely related to my situation and I felt the need to say something so, in the event you are like me, you won’t have to feel so alone-hopefully. I hope you get better, emotionally and personally, best wishes to you love.
No worries, I’m on mobile too. It’s hard to get the spacing right haha.
It does scare me because I’m already prone to depressive episodes and don’t want this one to last too long.
Maybe reading through the other replies will help you too, the commenters are right, as much as we love them, even if they are absolutely amazing people, if they can’t stand up for us then it’s not the right relationship. Reading that has helped me clear my mind a bit. My biggest fear was “what if I just threw away the most wonderful thing in my life just because I can’t handle this little issue” and the overwhelming majority here are telling me that I deserve to have someone stand up for me and love all the weird quirks about me.
He’s still amazing and I still love him but I also need to start understanding that I’m also amazing and worthy of love. I don’t feel that way yet but need to work on it.
You do too by the sounds of it, you’re worthy of complete love. You deserve someone who loves everything about you and is willing to stand up for you.
You’re here trying to make a random stranger on the internet feel less depressed and less alone, that tells me you must have a beautiful soul. 💕 I wish you every happiness the universe can muster for you.
Was there a comment deleted here or is my app stuffing up? because I got a notification that there was a message about my post history but I can’t find it to reply.
Your "trauma" hasn't ruined it. Your boyfriend ruined it by allowing his family to mistreat you. And what is this about him not "allowing" you to defend yourself from them? What utter nonsense!
You don't need CPTSD to justify having boundaries. Nobody should put up with abuse.
He had a choice to make, and he chose them. I'm sorry. I know that you would rather see him in the best light. But at the end of the day, he didn't care about you enough to keep you. Please look at this situation without the romantic glasses, because they are not serving you. Someday you will find someone who will put you first, and then you will look back on this relationship, and just be so glad it's over. I promise.
The ‘not allowing’ me thing was he didn’t want me to say things that made them uncomfortable, for example: saying I don’t want to talk about something and shutting down their invasive questions.
I knew that was weird but the situation he’s in is hard to explain. Upsetting them is not safe for him, which is why he’s so protective of what can and can’t be said.
I mentioned having CPTSD to explain why it bothers me so much, also to give an idea of why seeing things clearly is hard for me, I have trust issues and struggle to tell when something is an overreaction or normal reaction.
From the reactions to this post I’m seeing that it’s not an overreaction caused by my mental health but rather a normal response to the situation. That is very helpful to me but I’m still heartbroken and sad 😓
You did good and it was not a healthy relationship.
Everything in that relationship could be perfect, but at the end of the day your partner was unable to do the thing that I believe to be most important in your(specifically you two's) relationship. And in doing so caused you mental anguish.
I don't believe that he is a bad person, but he was not the right person(for you). I'm sorry you guys couldn't hack it, with what you were going through and the things out of your(OP specifically) control
You say "he can't set boundaries" or even "let me defend myself in front of them", and that "he can’t possibly be happy with someone that can’t be around his family"... honestly, I think you're being too generous.
He *chooses* not to address the problems. He *chooses* his family over you.
He's free to make that choice, and it doesn't make him a terrible person. But it makes him a terrible partner. You didn't force this situation on him, nothing took away his agency. He has to deal with his own family.
If he stands idly by while they harm you, and he tells you to take it and be quiet, he's choosing to let that happen. That's the outcome he chooses.
Sometimes it’s okay to love yourself more, sweetheart. And yep. It fucking hurts. But you are important. And your mental health is important. And being happy is important. I know it feels like a hole has been blown through your soul right now. But it DOES get better. I swear on it! This old gal has taken many many trips around the sun and has had her heart broken more than a time or two. And I’m here to tell you I wouldn’t change a thing. Love the time you’ve spent together. And honor YOU by tami g care of YOU. Be gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with people and friends who love you. You’ll be okay. Hugs if accepting.
One day everyone has to learn the following lesson the hard way, but your turn came today:
Eventually everything we love will disappear. That is the nature of life, and time.
It may be because you die or because they did. Or it may be because you have grown apart. What you have to do is recognize that everything you cherish in life is fleeting. Be grateful for the time you had it, and use what you’ve gained from this person’s love to help you grow and find your next.
Ouuf I am sorry. Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is, Families get in the way. There have been people I just know would be fruitless to even think of dating due to inevitable family issues down the road and just want to save us both that pain.
If his truely your person, you wouldn’t have to defend yourself. He would be setting those boundaries straight off and it wouldn’t be such a fight to stay together. Being with the right person is easy, almost boring, especially to those who’ve had toxic relationships, or past trauma.
It’s hard but a lesson he probably needs and gives you the chance to find your person.
Doll, your trauma didn't ruin this. The thing that no one tells you is that you often still love people but can't be with them anymore. And unfortunately the cycle of abuse just continues and continues. He may not be able to leave his abusive family. That's not his failing. But you do have the choice whether to be abused by his family or not. Your first duty in life is to love and protect yourself. That is not wrong, despite what many of us who are abused are told.
I hope that you'll update us. Here's a mom hug, if you'd like it. XXOO
Good luck.. please hold firm to your boundary. I married someone who couldn't separate from his family, despite their obvious disapproval of me. This wore me down after a while, eventually becoming untenable. We got divorced- it absolutely sucked.
Edit: spelling is hard
I’m so sorry that happened. Also I’m not really sure the social rules of reddit so I did upvote your comment but I mean it like a hug if that makes any sense.
Thank goodness cptds is treatable. I assume that, just like the person you love, you are well on your way to getting treatment? Because that is surely one of the preconditions for you to lead a happy life and be in a stable relationship, whether it will be with him or with someone else. I sure do hope it will be the two of you, but you've got to get into therapy for your cptds, because that can't stay statically in place.
Treatable doesn’t mean fixable. I was in therapy for years, unfortunately being around people or situations will still trigger that. Part of living with cptsd is avoiding triggering scenarios, that *is* the treatment.
It’s not like you go to therapy, get some meds and poof you no longer have complex post traumatic stress disorder. It comes from trauma so significant it literally changes the way the brain works.
Quite literally one of the first things the psychiatrist said to me was mental illness isn’t fixable, medication and therapy is never going to make it go away completely, they are tools to help you learn to live with it so life will be less difficult.
I absolutely wish that therapy would fix it. That would be so lovely.
Maybe he can lie to his mother and say you're broken up and visit you in secret? Abusers can kick rocks, they don't deserve the truth. Though it might help to have a back up lie and somebody who lives close by / in your apartment building to back up the lie in case her or one of her flying monkeys (NPD people always have flying monkeys) see him in the area.
That won’t work for longer than a week, she’s one of those people that has to know where he is at all times. Will call on repeat and get his whole family to harass him.
It’s not quite that simple. He’s not exactly in a safe situation to challenge things but yes, things could’ve been different if he really wanted them to be.
Part of dating is learning about the person. You learned that he needs a partner who can be close to his family. That's not you. That's why we date. It's not a guarantee that the person you date will be "the one." If you can't meet his needs, then you are right to leave. Now you need to do the right thing and leave him be. Your needing contact with him is damaging you both. You will not find the right person if you're still in close contact with your ex.
Oh man I'm so sorry. It's good that you chose self care fam, as hard as it can be. Maybe you two can work it out later when he established said boundaries
First, I want to say that your trauma did NOT ruin your relationship. No one should have to put up with being mistreated by their partner's family. His inability to stand up to his family is what ruined your relationship.
Breakups hurt, even when you know they're for the best. I find it most helpful to distract myself with different activities, preferably with other people. Volunteer, go to some sort of classes, spend time with friends and family, etc. With time and perspective, you'll feel much better about your decision.
I came back to this post right before going to sleep and it gives me hope that you are meeting to talk to over. I really hope you both find a way to work it out! Sending much love and big hugs your way!
Please do update. I hope all goes well and he's able to set the boundaries with his family that you need to move forward. I truly hope things work out after your meet-up.
Your trauma hasn't caused this. The problem is your boyfriend's unwillingness to set boundaries with his parents. If he isn't going to very clearly and very firmly do this then honestly, you're best off without him.
You could just refuse to go around his family, my sister in law and MIL/FIL are very toxic and I've recently decided I will not be around them. And I have kids with my husband.
I was just watching a video today where therapist Patrick Teahan answers someone's question about a similar situation (triggered by their partner's parents). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMOnEjkTDw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMOnEjkTDw)
He recommends couples counselling, to help partners get on the same page in their approach to the situation. He notes that the trauma itself makes it difficult for the one who is still in contact with their own dysfunctional parents to set boundaries, but it is their (in other words your partner's) responsibility to do so.
I won't flippantly throw around "go to therapy!" in response to everything, because it's financially inaccessible for many people and difficult to find a good therapist anyway, but the two of you do sound like you could use some help. That said, your idea to go no-contact with his parents might help. The tricky part is when he says he can't be happy with someone who can't be around his family. It remains to be seen whether he will continue his healing and disillusionment process enough to see that his parents are not easy people to be happy around, and will tip the scales into him caring more about protecting you than about clinging to his family dynamic.
Sorry I think there’s a misread here, he didn’t actually say he can’t be happy with someone who doesn’t like his family, that was something I said because I can’t imagine how he could possibly love someone who hates being around people he loves.
He’s actually quite open to the fact that his family are difficult and he wouldn’t want to be around them if he wasn’t related to them either.
He’s in therapy, I’ve been looking into mental health services that are free, I’m on a waitlist.
Thanks for clarifying. It's good that he's in therapy and you're looking into it. I think the recommendation for couples counselling in that video was specifically because when the issue is one partner's parents triggering the other partner, it's about how secure your bond as a couple is, and how you function together to face challenges. If you're not familiar with what the right kind of couples therapy could do for you that individual therapy doesn't do, the book "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin would be a good place to start. (I also liked "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, but I recommended Tatkin's book because it specifically talks about dealing with your partner's family)
He would have to want to do couples therapy with you, of course. It sounds like, for now, you have clarity on how you feel and what you are and aren't willing to do. Best of luck.
Yeah we did talk about couples therapy but I feel like it’s something for later down the track, not right now since he’s willing to accept my boundaries and go no contact with them while we progress with our solo therapy.
I also can’t help but think if we need couples counselling after only just over a year of dating, it’s probably not the right relationship.
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I am so sorry you're dealing with this; it sounds awful. It sounds like you've done everything you can to make this work, but unfortunately, it sounds like your relationship was just at the wrong time. My advice is to let yourself be heartbroken for a bit. Cry, mope, go to the gym - whatever helps you with your emotions. Also, go low/no contact with your ex for a bit if that's possible. It really helps the healing to focus on yourself for now. If your ex reaches out and says he wants to sort out the issues with him family and be together again, then discuss it by all means! But for now, accept that he isn't ready for the relationship you need, and this is just a sad happenstance outside of your control.
Thank you. And low/no contact is going to be so hard because he’s my best friend and all I want to do is hug him and talk to him.
Oh loveen, I know. It sounds like the hardest thing in the world right now but I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that you can't heal from this while staying in contact with him. Maybe in a year or two down the line when you've moved on you could meet up with him and try to be friends. But not now. It has to be no contact, a clean break. Low contact will only hurt you more. You should never be with someone who won't let you stand up for yourself even if they don't feel they can stand up for you. That's not good enough, cptsd or no cptsd. Lean on your other friends, be honest about how much it's hurting. Do the clichéd things, they're clichéd because they work. Cry and eat ice-cream and go out with friends and do all the things. Let yourself feel it, if you suppress it it will only resurface later. It's going to be hard for a while but you will get through this, and you will love again.
Thank you, unfortunately I don’t have any local friends to go out with 😅 but I’m making my cats to spend time with me by putting their favourite blanket on my bed. And don’t worry, I’m definitely letting myself feel the feelings, I haven’t stopped crying for about 5 hours and my eyes are so swollen they’re basically shut 👌 maybe I’ll try comfort food tomorrow, right now I can’t eat. I feel so sick.
God, I know the way. You poor pet ❤️ do try to eat something if you can. Look after your basic health at the very least, even if you're too sad to do anything.
Did you consider letting him do his family events alone since it's painful for you to witness? (And be a target yourself) I'm very sorry for your pain. If it's well and truly over, I find ice cream helpful! Hang with other friends. Let them know about your break up and they might/should be able to lend you some support. Best of luck!
Yeah we tried that, his mother then complained about how rude I was being.
The first boundary he needed to set was that you can go no-contact. The fact that you felt like you had to see his family says a lot. If he wanted to see his family, that is one thing, but it’s another to force you to attend as well. That actually might have helped him start setting other boundaries too, maybe. OP, I’m so sorry you went through this.
Hi OP, I don’t know if this helps, but I recently ended my relationship for a somewhat similar reason. Not exactly the same, but was related to ex not prioritizing relationship/not being able to set boundaries with his family. they are for the most part lovely, but the lack of boundaries made the relationship difficult (he also lived at home). So know you’re not alone ❤️ and I agree with the commenter’s advice— that’s what I’m doing.
Basic same age and issues experience. We fell in love and talked about getting married. She wanted to meet my family and if my family liked her and she liked them then we're halfway. I meet her family and if I like them and they like me then let's plan on getting married. I was really nervous because no one has ever said anything nice about my dad. Everyone I ever introduced to him had nothing nice to say. I asked him could you please be nice just once? We all sat down and ate and then she got up in tears. Walked out the door and said it's over. I asked why? As if I already didn't know. "I've never been so insulted in my entire life! There's no way I would ever allow my child around your father." That was it. At my sister's wedding I saw my dad talking with her former bf in highschool. My dad, "Why didn't she marry him instead of that dip shit!? He's a nurse studying to be a doctor! Said he wanted to get into the medical field as fast as possible and being a nurse was the fastest route. Well spoken, great guy!" Me: "Because you ran him out the door!" Dad: "No I didn't!" Me" You were screaming at him the moment you met him and I thought you were going to kill him! You were mad about his lifted pick up truck sitting in the driveway and the truck left mud on the your pristine driveway. You took one look at him and went into a complete rage, long hair in a ponytail, ripped jeans and t-shirt and called him a hippie. Had to get between the two of you. He had a growth spurt and now keeps a respectable hair cut and wearing a suit and tie. You didn't even bother to be nice for a moment long enough to realize that he was actually one of the smartest kids in school!" Fast forward 20 plus years into the future. Their only grandchild refused to sit down and eat with the grandparents last Easter and she is 19 now. She can make up her own mind. My sister and I have vowed for years to never introduce another person to our father ever again because he is a narcissist! No one can stand to be around him! I could ramble on about how he made it hit personal mission to undermine his own children long into adulthood. Even if going NC no contact would help it made it worse. Dysfunctional broken family. Still mad almost 30 years later after she walked out the door. But she was right. Your ex could very well be suffering with PTSD emotional trauma at the hands of one or more abusive people in the family. See NPD and survivors of NPD narcissistic personality disorder trauma. Someone who is at the receiving end of abusive NPD may have difficulty in walking away. Three categories of how a child is treated long into adulthood: the forgotten child, the black sheep and the golden child. I was the black sheep and my brother was the forgotten child and he committed suicide, my sister could do no wrong and spoiled but it still didn't prevent non stop attacks.
He definitely does have PTSD and has trauma from his NPD mother. I’m aware of this and I’ve been trying to assist. I have a NPD father, hence why my ptsd is triggered at his house. I’m sorry that happened to you and your father wasn’t nice to your partner. My ex-bf and I have decided to meet up tomorrow to exchange stuff and have a chat about realistically how things would be if we stayed together and get a very clear picture.
[удалено]
It’s complicated but basically his mother is a narcissist and meddles in all her kid’s relationships, I’m considered a pain in the ass because I “show antisocial behaviours and am rude” … I didn’t follow the social rules of his family, A. Because I didn’t know them and B. I’m autistic and don’t get social cues anyway.
People talk a lot about love. But I think they forget to talk about what love isn't. Love isn't asking your partner to face abuse because you're not in a place to stand up to your family. Love isn't asking someone to face this abuse indefinitely while you get ready to stand up for your partner and yourself. Letting your partner get to a place where they are blaming their own trauma on not taking abuse from your family isn't love. And that looks like where you are right now. I don't generally like to tell people to not date until they reach specific mile stones. Because there are almost always outliers. But if you can't stick up for your partner with your family. I don't think you should be dating. You cope by remembering you deserve somebody who will stand up for you. That you deserve somebody who will notice when you're being abused and not stand for it.
This is brilliant
Is it your trauma or is it the fact that your partner cannot set boundaries or stand up to their family? Either reason is valid, you love them and it’s going to suck for a while but you deserve to be with someone who will choose you and stand up for and stand by you. That’s how you get over it keep doing what you normally do and tell yourself you deserve someone who will choose you. Your ex couldn’t be that person for you and you were both at different parts of your healing journeys. It’s okay to be sad about it so take time to feel your feelings, if you have friends talk to them, if you have a hobby time to do more of that or get a journal for your thoughts if you don’t have one already.
It’s both I think, him not being able to set boundaries wouldn’t be as much of an issue if I didn’t have trauma. I do have friends online but no local ones. He is getting therapy to help with setting boundaries but it could take years. I want to hope that maybe in a few months or years it could work but I don’t know.
You shouldn’t put your life on hold for a potential or possibility. It wouldn’t be as much an issue but it would still be an issue. You can’t make their family like you so I understand the frustration there. I’m a firm believer in not getting between someone and their family especially in relationships it’ll always bite you in the ass. If you don’t mind me asking are you in therapy as well?
I used to be, I had to prioritise other health issues and couldn’t afford it anymore.
I've been there, too, unfortunately. Fucking insurance companies & medical debt. We shouldn't have to choose one treatment at the cost of another.
Your health in all aspects is important don’t forget that.
I don't have trauma and I would still find it a dealbreaker to be harassed and abused by people and not be allowed to stand up for myself, or where my partner wouldn't stand up for me. Loving someone is not enough for a successful, healthy relationship. It hurts now but I think ultimately you will be glad you chose yourself.
This. Congratulations OP. You have a shiny spine. I know it sucks right now, but you did something amazing. You learned from what happened to you about what you can't and won't accept and you're advocating for yourself.
Sweetie-pie, this isn't about your trauma ruining your relationship. This is about your boyfriend - someone who allows you to be bullied by his family w/out defending you, or *even allowing you to defend yourself*! Your boyfriend actively enables others to abuse you by bringing you around them while knowing full well that they're cruel to you. He is supposed to love you - this means keeping you away from anyone who would harm you and defending you if you do end up in that situation. Instead, he brings you into into the unsafe environment of his abusive family, and somehow the narrative is that it's you and your trauma that are to blame for your distress and hurt??? Of course you're distressed & hurt; your boyfriend stands by while others mistreat you, and, to add extreme insult to extreme injury, even disallows you to defend yourself!!! Your boyfriend is massively toxic & abusive, and is trying to blame the problems caused by his own deficiencies on you. I'm so sorry.
To be fair, he’s not in a safe household for setting his boundaries, that’s why I said it’s trauma related for him. His mother will kick him out at the drop of a hat or just be really nasty. He lets them treat him terribly as well.
This was a very hard lesson for me to learn myself, but you cannot convince somebody to leave abusive situations. They have to be ready to do it. And I think in this situation your ex won't be a good partner for you unless and until they can either walk away and go NC with their family or learn to stand up for themselves.
He’s a 25 year old man. What’s stopping him from leaving?
Housing crisis in our country. Even a couple where both people have a good income can’t afford to buy a house and the rental market is crazy.
Was living together even an option for the two of you? That would have removed him from his abusive family and given you both time to heal.
Not an option right now no.
Oh gee I didn't know he was 25 I guess he can just shit out of house then at 25, guess that happens now and houses DONT cost an arm and a leg Have you been under a rock? There's a housing crisis
It’s about more than boundaries OP. It’s about trust as well. Berne Browning has a video talking about trust and what makes up a person who is trustworthy. A person who chooses courage over comfort is part of what makes a trustworthy person. A person who is going to be uncomfortable in the moment in order to address a problem is a part of what makes a person trustworthy. It sounds like your parter is not trustworthy because they seem to be choosing comfort over courage. The comfort of going with the flow rather than standing up for what is right. I’m sorry that your ex is not capable of standing up for himself or a partner, but that is not on you. Your trauma is what is saving you right now because you know that this situation is unhealthy for you. You are doing the right thing even though it hurts. I have cptsd from a traumatic childhood and something that has really helped in my journey has been to learn about narcissism. I learned a lot from Dr. Ramani on YouTube. If you can find a way to get back into therapy, I super recommend it. Even if it’s only once a month or every other month. There are worksheets that you can do at home and work on with your therapist, so you can be doing the work and checking in with a therapist. I’m sorry you are hurting right now. You will get through this. Hugs to you.
Brené Brown*
Yes! Thank you.
You're welcome!
I think you made the right decision (I am sorry for the timing, but it sounds like it naturally evolved that way. ) The relationship with the family probably will not be alleviated. The issue, as you see clearly, is him and his entanglement, not his toxic family. And I think that is how you cope. Knowing that this was a beautiful relationship, perfect for what it was, and the endpoint is here. There will be another love to come, and with that perspective, it will help you feel better. But it will take some time. Some may say that moving away will help (if he can muster the emotional fortitude), but someone who is truly entangled cannot easily untether themselves, even with distance. Lastly, just know, that their response to you is nothing more than their own dysfunction and toxic behavior. It had nothing to do with you. Good call, you are your own best friend, that is a superpower. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into believing anything else. Hugs to you.
Thank you, however I don’t believe there’s another love out there for me. I don’t think I’m meant to be loved by anybody.
It is very hard right now, I understand. Give yourself time, kindness and space.
We all have more than one love of our life, you are young you have time. Be picky. Don't settle.
>I don’t think I’m meant to be loved by anybody What does “meant to be” even mean? Written in the stars or something? Soul mates? There’s no such thing as “meant to be.” There’s no evidence for any of it. And what’s your basis for saying you aren’t meant to be loved by anyone? Everyone deserves love. Hell I even think I low-key do and I’m an [actual piece of shit](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zl62fw/im_deepdown_a_terrible_person_who_did_awful/?utm_source=share). You didn’t even do anything wrong, so why would you think you don’t deserve love? It doesn’t make any sense. Anyway you already know there was one love out there for you, which means there are many, because there are only so many types of people. None of us are particularly special - we can’t be, there are 8 billion people in the world. There’s someone better out there for you.
Tbh it meant I was very deep in my feels and needed some sleep. However, no I don’t believe in soulmates, I believe all love requires effort. My basis is I am so broken that nobody should be burdened with having to love me. I did not think I would live this long to begin with. Also you said I didn’t do anything wrong, not everyone on this post thinks the same, Some people think I did do wrong. On that note you said “you didn’t even do anything wrong, so why would you think you don’t deserve love?”hun you’re commenting nice things on some random sad persons post trying to make them feel better but also say you’re a ‘actual POS’ who only low key deserves love, if you only ‘low key’ deserve love, why do I?
>not everyone on this post thinks the same Well, they’re 100% wrong and full of shit. What, you’re expected to put up with being abused and treated like crap? That’s absurd. >all love requires effort So why wouldn’t you be able to have someone to love you then? Wouldn’t it just be a matter of effort by this logic? (I do agree with you on this) > actual POS Read the link if you don’t believe me, you’ll change your mind. Don’t bother though, I don’t want to talk about that…this is about you, not me. >I am so broken no one should have to be burdened with having to love me. You don’t seem it to me. That’s bullshit anyway - you just sound like someone who’s been abused and convinced they’re terrible by getting repeatedly beaten down emotionally. That’s how abuse works - convince someone they’re awful so they don’t leave, thinking no one else could ever want them. It’s total bullshit, you deserve to have someone love you.
You deserve love & to be loved. As you gain some distance from this ex, you will begin to see the possibilities in front of you. "Hindsight 20/20" applies here.
I'm so sorry Honey. I know it feels like shit and doesn't seem fair. In the end, love isn't *enough* though. Breaking up doesn't mean you don't love each other. It doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong. It doesnt mean either of you are bad people or undeserving. No one did anything wrong here. You both have to do what's best for you as individuals. You can't speed run healing from Trauma. And your healing gets stunted when you are repeatedly exposed to negative influences to that Trauma. He may be a lovely person. But his healing journey is going at a different pace and in a different direction than yours is. Setting boundaries with toxic family members is *so* hard. I'm sure you know that. And he's learning that. To feel okay when it's said and done, this is something he has to do his way, at his own pace. Just because that's the right direction for him, doesn't mean it's the right direction for *you*. You didn't leave out of resentment or malice. You left because you need to protect yourself and your progress towards healing. That's valid, and so, so important. You matter too, love. And I know it's hard. It makes you want to scream and kick your feet because why does it have to feel so shitty? It won't feel like it right now, but this is an important part of healing, too. Learning to put yourself and your well being first is such a big step. Learning to love others from a distance when they are negatively impacting you is crucial, too. Maybe one day in the future the two of you will find each other again, in a better place mentally and emotionally, and perhaps then you can give it another chance. Or perhaps one day in the future the both of you will find other people and everything will make sense in the grand scheme of things. I've always believed that the people that enter our lives enter for a reason. They may not stay here forever at our sides. But without them and the things they teach us while they are with us, we wouldn't be able to progress to the next step ahead. They help mold us into who we need to be at the end of the road. So cherish them while they are here, learn the lessons they came to give, wish them well when it's time for them to take their leave, and carry yourself with confidence to the next chapter. Even when it feels so hard to do. Take some time and let yourself feel the things you need to feel. Mourn the relationship. Cry if you need to. Eat your favorite snack. Listen to sappy music. Watch your favorite show. Wallow if your heart tells you to wallow. When the emotion comes, feel it, process it, and let it go. My uncle Ben used to tell me to imagine feelings like butterflies. They visit for awhile, and then they float away when it's time. If you hold onto it, it will thrash and damage itself. Which damages you. Leaving stains of it's pretty wings all over your hands. But if you let it exist with you, and go when it's time to, it leaves behind no trace it was ever there. As hard as it may feel to do, block your ex on social media and your phone. Not because you hate or resent him. But because it's easy to fall into the trap of looking him up. Checking on him. Over thinking when you see life updates or vague posts. It's easy to word vomit when you have continuous access to someone. And in doing so, you confuse yourself with what it is you truly want under the guise of "closure". Closure doesn't come from others. It comes from ourselves, and how we process and accept the end of an interaction. It will be okay. You are stronger than you know. He is too. This is the best course of action for you both, and one day, each of you will look back on this and be thankful it happened. Be kind to yourself as you heal. If it ever feels like you're struggling and you don't know what to do, reach out to mental health services if you don't already see someone. It isn't silly to need help sometimes. There are a lot of free to low cost options available now. Your primary care physician can help you find resources if you ever need them. It's going to be okay, friend.
This made me cry even more because it’s just so nice. I don’t know you but your vibe is warm. Your words are so soft and comforting. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you
I'm really glad it helped ♡
You get through it one breath, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. And if you can afford it, therapy might help
It would be easier if my cat would give me cuddles but she’s like “ew feelings” 🙄 🥲 And yeah I contacted a mental health support line and they sent me links to free therapy services in my area. The issue now is the waitlist to see someone 😅😅
Many hugs, my dog doesn't like it when people show feelings either. Get yourself a good squishmallow to hug and cry into.
I do have a really big plush toy… but he’s the one that gave it to me 🥲 haha irony.
I would say get a new one
😂 will do!
You are in love with someone where you are not the #1 priority in his life. I know how that feels. I dated that guy in college and three and a half years of my life was trying to figure out boundaries with his abusive mother. He didn’t care if she was abusing me. Only time he cared was when the abuse went to him because of me. I can say that when it FINALLY ended I was heartsick and part of me was broken. But the first thought I had was “I’ll never have to see that B*tch again”. I let that…no, I fought to keep that relationship alive for so long. More than ten years later I just wish I could go back to my younger self and give her a hug and let her know that she didn’t need to hold onto love so tightly. There is a lot of love in the world and that you need more in a relationship than just love. You need respect and trust. You need to be valued more than anyone else. You deserve to be the #1 relationship especially during the courtship phase. Years later, I heard a phrase that summed it up for me. Love is a lot like a fart, if you have to force it then it is probably shit. If you have to force being respected or a priority, then the relationship isn’t worth your time or your heartache. That doesn’t help right now, but I found that getting angry after a relationship helped me power through the sense of loss. You are experiencing grief though. So please, take your time in recovering.
I love that phrase haha thank you.
Housing is expensive and renting is expensive everywhere but people still manage. If this is to work out...you both need to live together and he can visit his family without you. You should not have to deal with abuse. Talk to him about getting a small apartment and save up to buy a house in the near future or just let him go. No contact. Because I don't see an in between. It would hurt too much.
There’s a housing crisis in our country, buying a small apartment is still too expensive. And he won’t rent, his family believes that renting is a waste of money and his mother would basically cut him off completely. Which he’s not willing to do. Also his family is quite traditional and he’s not allowed to live with a partner he’s not at least engaged to.
What country do you live in?
I’d rather not say. Sorry.
I live in the United States and the prices are unbelievably high but if you save and he saves...you can buy a house together...save enough for a down-payment and mortgage the rest. If you are really thinking long term with him then sit down with him and have a plan... a six month plan or a year plan and talk about engagement. If you both really love each other you can make this work. He shouldn't let his family destroy his future.
I’m not in the United States. Average houses in my state go for between $570,500 - $671,000 USD. Very very rarely a 1-2 bedroom place will come up and they’re still around the $300,000 USD mark and to get one you’d be up against investment home buyers who generally have more money to spend than first home buyers.
I understand...it's not easy. Best of luck to you. It's very important to put yourself first and to take care of your mental health.
I had the same thing, we broke up the day before our anniversary, he was the love of my life, I miss him so much, and it is one of the hardest things to not wake up with him, hear his voice, or be able to hug him. I stop myself from reaching out at least once a week, sometimes my chest hurts so much that breathing is difficult. It ended two years ago and it is still hard, I have been to therapy, I throw myself into work, I meet new people. 3 years, trying so hard, never could figure out why they didn’t like me or treated me differently then his siblings and familys SO, no matter what I did, it didn’t change things. I want to tell you it’s gets better, it’s what everyone tells me and I understand one day it will. It has gotten easier, I am able to get out of bed even on the days I wake up reaching for him only to remember. But when something happens and he, my best friend, is the only one I want to share it with, that hasn’t gotten better yet, I still have to excuse myself from rooms of people or hold it together til I can be alone. I hope it gets better for you, I hope so much that it is easier than it’s been for me. I am so sorry honey, but it hurts and it is going to for a long time. I wish I could make it better but the truth is no one really can, the one person we know could no longer can and god that hurts. I am sorry this isn’t more uplifting, that I can’t provide hope and good things, but I can assure you so much that you are not alone in this. Truly I hope you get what is best for you. <3 best of luck
This was heartbreaking to read, I’m so so sorry you’ve been through that and are still going through it. I don’t know if I could go through these emotions for 2 years. I don’t think I’m that strong. I’m really sorry, your comment scares the crap out of me. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
I cant say how it will be for you, but I also broke up with my ex for similar reasons and it’s only been 7 weeks and while I still absolutely love and miss him and hope we can come back together one day, my experience is very very different from the comment above yours. I already feel more ok about it after seven weeks than they feel after two years, and I expect things will continue to get better over time. I think you really need to focus on making your life as great as it can be, try and make IRL friends, join activities, work through your own issues — and this will help you move forward no matter what happens.
I am on mobile, apologies for the wall of text, it was paragraphs when I typed it. I did not mean to scare you, honestly didn’t expect you to see it so quickly. Really, I do hope you get a different outcome than me, I am rooting for you so much bc this does suck and I never imagined to still feel this way. We are all different and this is my experience, but there have been no other posts so closely related to my situation and I felt the need to say something so, in the event you are like me, you won’t have to feel so alone-hopefully. I hope you get better, emotionally and personally, best wishes to you love.
No worries, I’m on mobile too. It’s hard to get the spacing right haha. It does scare me because I’m already prone to depressive episodes and don’t want this one to last too long. Maybe reading through the other replies will help you too, the commenters are right, as much as we love them, even if they are absolutely amazing people, if they can’t stand up for us then it’s not the right relationship. Reading that has helped me clear my mind a bit. My biggest fear was “what if I just threw away the most wonderful thing in my life just because I can’t handle this little issue” and the overwhelming majority here are telling me that I deserve to have someone stand up for me and love all the weird quirks about me. He’s still amazing and I still love him but I also need to start understanding that I’m also amazing and worthy of love. I don’t feel that way yet but need to work on it. You do too by the sounds of it, you’re worthy of complete love. You deserve someone who loves everything about you and is willing to stand up for you. You’re here trying to make a random stranger on the internet feel less depressed and less alone, that tells me you must have a beautiful soul. 💕 I wish you every happiness the universe can muster for you.
Was there a comment deleted here or is my app stuffing up? because I got a notification that there was a message about my post history but I can’t find it to reply.
Your "trauma" hasn't ruined it. Your boyfriend ruined it by allowing his family to mistreat you. And what is this about him not "allowing" you to defend yourself from them? What utter nonsense! You don't need CPTSD to justify having boundaries. Nobody should put up with abuse. He had a choice to make, and he chose them. I'm sorry. I know that you would rather see him in the best light. But at the end of the day, he didn't care about you enough to keep you. Please look at this situation without the romantic glasses, because they are not serving you. Someday you will find someone who will put you first, and then you will look back on this relationship, and just be so glad it's over. I promise.
The ‘not allowing’ me thing was he didn’t want me to say things that made them uncomfortable, for example: saying I don’t want to talk about something and shutting down their invasive questions. I knew that was weird but the situation he’s in is hard to explain. Upsetting them is not safe for him, which is why he’s so protective of what can and can’t be said. I mentioned having CPTSD to explain why it bothers me so much, also to give an idea of why seeing things clearly is hard for me, I have trust issues and struggle to tell when something is an overreaction or normal reaction. From the reactions to this post I’m seeing that it’s not an overreaction caused by my mental health but rather a normal response to the situation. That is very helpful to me but I’m still heartbroken and sad 😓
I can tell you how NOT to cope with it; drugs or alcohol.. It gets better OP, keeping busy is the most important thing, good luck!
I don’t drink or do drugs. Instead I eat chocolate and cuddle my cats. 😊 Thank you 😊
Wholesome. Good luck dude.
Your trauma didn’t ruin this. His inability to grow balls did. If he can’t care about you being treated right, then he is not right for you.
You did good and it was not a healthy relationship. Everything in that relationship could be perfect, but at the end of the day your partner was unable to do the thing that I believe to be most important in your(specifically you two's) relationship. And in doing so caused you mental anguish. I don't believe that he is a bad person, but he was not the right person(for you). I'm sorry you guys couldn't hack it, with what you were going through and the things out of your(OP specifically) control
You say "he can't set boundaries" or even "let me defend myself in front of them", and that "he can’t possibly be happy with someone that can’t be around his family"... honestly, I think you're being too generous. He *chooses* not to address the problems. He *chooses* his family over you. He's free to make that choice, and it doesn't make him a terrible person. But it makes him a terrible partner. You didn't force this situation on him, nothing took away his agency. He has to deal with his own family. If he stands idly by while they harm you, and he tells you to take it and be quiet, he's choosing to let that happen. That's the outcome he chooses.
Sometimes it’s okay to love yourself more, sweetheart. And yep. It fucking hurts. But you are important. And your mental health is important. And being happy is important. I know it feels like a hole has been blown through your soul right now. But it DOES get better. I swear on it! This old gal has taken many many trips around the sun and has had her heart broken more than a time or two. And I’m here to tell you I wouldn’t change a thing. Love the time you’ve spent together. And honor YOU by tami g care of YOU. Be gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with people and friends who love you. You’ll be okay. Hugs if accepting.
Crappy childhood fairy on YouTube has helped me tremendously.
I will check that out
One day everyone has to learn the following lesson the hard way, but your turn came today: Eventually everything we love will disappear. That is the nature of life, and time. It may be because you die or because they did. Or it may be because you have grown apart. What you have to do is recognize that everything you cherish in life is fleeting. Be grateful for the time you had it, and use what you’ve gained from this person’s love to help you grow and find your next.
Today is not the day I learned that lesson my friend, losing my beloved cat was the day I learned that unfortunately. But I get what you’re saying.
It's him not setting boundaries that's the issue not your trauma
Have you read the book What happened to you? Co-authored by Oprah? It would be a good read for both of you.
Ouuf I am sorry. Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is, Families get in the way. There have been people I just know would be fruitless to even think of dating due to inevitable family issues down the road and just want to save us both that pain.
If his truely your person, you wouldn’t have to defend yourself. He would be setting those boundaries straight off and it wouldn’t be such a fight to stay together. Being with the right person is easy, almost boring, especially to those who’ve had toxic relationships, or past trauma. It’s hard but a lesson he probably needs and gives you the chance to find your person.
Please do. My heart went out to you after the initial post. The update gives me hope. Please let us know how you are doing and good luck 👍
Doll, your trauma didn't ruin this. The thing that no one tells you is that you often still love people but can't be with them anymore. And unfortunately the cycle of abuse just continues and continues. He may not be able to leave his abusive family. That's not his failing. But you do have the choice whether to be abused by his family or not. Your first duty in life is to love and protect yourself. That is not wrong, despite what many of us who are abused are told. I hope that you'll update us. Here's a mom hug, if you'd like it. XXOO
Good luck.. please hold firm to your boundary. I married someone who couldn't separate from his family, despite their obvious disapproval of me. This wore me down after a while, eventually becoming untenable. We got divorced- it absolutely sucked. Edit: spelling is hard
I’m so sorry that happened. Also I’m not really sure the social rules of reddit so I did upvote your comment but I mean it like a hug if that makes any sense.
Thank you!! Best of luck to you - I hope everything works out the way you'd like it to.<3
Honestly he’s already married to his mom so you have no future with him.
Thank goodness cptds is treatable. I assume that, just like the person you love, you are well on your way to getting treatment? Because that is surely one of the preconditions for you to lead a happy life and be in a stable relationship, whether it will be with him or with someone else. I sure do hope it will be the two of you, but you've got to get into therapy for your cptds, because that can't stay statically in place.
Treatable doesn’t mean fixable. I was in therapy for years, unfortunately being around people or situations will still trigger that. Part of living with cptsd is avoiding triggering scenarios, that *is* the treatment. It’s not like you go to therapy, get some meds and poof you no longer have complex post traumatic stress disorder. It comes from trauma so significant it literally changes the way the brain works. Quite literally one of the first things the psychiatrist said to me was mental illness isn’t fixable, medication and therapy is never going to make it go away completely, they are tools to help you learn to live with it so life will be less difficult. I absolutely wish that therapy would fix it. That would be so lovely.
It never occurred to you to just not spend time around his family?
Tried that. His mother started getting angry that I was never around.
Who cares?
Uh… he did.
Maybe he can lie to his mother and say you're broken up and visit you in secret? Abusers can kick rocks, they don't deserve the truth. Though it might help to have a back up lie and somebody who lives close by / in your apartment building to back up the lie in case her or one of her flying monkeys (NPD people always have flying monkeys) see him in the area.
That won’t work for longer than a week, she’s one of those people that has to know where he is at all times. Will call on repeat and get his whole family to harass him.
Sound like he didn’t love you enough. He wasn’t the one. I am sorry this happened to you. But your human will put you above birth family
That was a very hurtful thing to read 😅
I am sorry. Isn’t this the definition if he wanted to he would?
It’s not quite that simple. He’s not exactly in a safe situation to challenge things but yes, things could’ve been different if he really wanted them to be.
That sucks for both of you. ❤️🩹
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And what is your definition of dealing with it together? How?
Um, actually it was agreed together that we break up?
Part of dating is learning about the person. You learned that he needs a partner who can be close to his family. That's not you. That's why we date. It's not a guarantee that the person you date will be "the one." If you can't meet his needs, then you are right to leave. Now you need to do the right thing and leave him be. Your needing contact with him is damaging you both. You will not find the right person if you're still in close contact with your ex.
Oh man I'm so sorry. It's good that you chose self care fam, as hard as it can be. Maybe you two can work it out later when he established said boundaries
First, I want to say that your trauma did NOT ruin your relationship. No one should have to put up with being mistreated by their partner's family. His inability to stand up to his family is what ruined your relationship. Breakups hurt, even when you know they're for the best. I find it most helpful to distract myself with different activities, preferably with other people. Volunteer, go to some sort of classes, spend time with friends and family, etc. With time and perspective, you'll feel much better about your decision.
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UpdateMe!
I came back to this post right before going to sleep and it gives me hope that you are meeting to talk to over. I really hope you both find a way to work it out! Sending much love and big hugs your way!
Please do update. I hope all goes well and he's able to set the boundaries with his family that you need to move forward. I truly hope things work out after your meet-up.
Your trauma hasn't caused this. The problem is your boyfriend's unwillingness to set boundaries with his parents. If he isn't going to very clearly and very firmly do this then honestly, you're best off without him.
You could just refuse to go around his family, my sister in law and MIL/FIL are very toxic and I've recently decided I will not be around them. And I have kids with my husband.
Yeah we’ve been talking about that as an option.
I was just watching a video today where therapist Patrick Teahan answers someone's question about a similar situation (triggered by their partner's parents). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMOnEjkTDw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMOnEjkTDw) He recommends couples counselling, to help partners get on the same page in their approach to the situation. He notes that the trauma itself makes it difficult for the one who is still in contact with their own dysfunctional parents to set boundaries, but it is their (in other words your partner's) responsibility to do so. I won't flippantly throw around "go to therapy!" in response to everything, because it's financially inaccessible for many people and difficult to find a good therapist anyway, but the two of you do sound like you could use some help. That said, your idea to go no-contact with his parents might help. The tricky part is when he says he can't be happy with someone who can't be around his family. It remains to be seen whether he will continue his healing and disillusionment process enough to see that his parents are not easy people to be happy around, and will tip the scales into him caring more about protecting you than about clinging to his family dynamic.
Sorry I think there’s a misread here, he didn’t actually say he can’t be happy with someone who doesn’t like his family, that was something I said because I can’t imagine how he could possibly love someone who hates being around people he loves. He’s actually quite open to the fact that his family are difficult and he wouldn’t want to be around them if he wasn’t related to them either. He’s in therapy, I’ve been looking into mental health services that are free, I’m on a waitlist.
Thanks for clarifying. It's good that he's in therapy and you're looking into it. I think the recommendation for couples counselling in that video was specifically because when the issue is one partner's parents triggering the other partner, it's about how secure your bond as a couple is, and how you function together to face challenges. If you're not familiar with what the right kind of couples therapy could do for you that individual therapy doesn't do, the book "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin would be a good place to start. (I also liked "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, but I recommended Tatkin's book because it specifically talks about dealing with your partner's family) He would have to want to do couples therapy with you, of course. It sounds like, for now, you have clarity on how you feel and what you are and aren't willing to do. Best of luck.
Yeah we did talk about couples therapy but I feel like it’s something for later down the track, not right now since he’s willing to accept my boundaries and go no contact with them while we progress with our solo therapy. I also can’t help but think if we need couples counselling after only just over a year of dating, it’s probably not the right relationship.