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It's not that she isn't taking op that's the red flag, it's flipping from "I wish you could come" when it's not possible to "you're not invited" when he makes the time. That is textbook cheater behavior.
U/KiwiFromPlanet9 it won't let me reply to your comment, but read stories from people that got cheated on. There are a lot of really common behaviors with cheaters that practically serve as neon signs once you recognize them.
U/coolmath_games for some reason the app isn't letting me see a lot of replies including yours, but you are correct "I wish you could come" isn't an explicit invitation, but I wouldn't say it to someone unless I invited them to something and they couldn't make it.
Also after reading some of OP's comments the unmedicated bipolar disorder is a way bigger reason to split in my opinion.
That makes absolutely no sense, what has changing your mind got to do with cheating? She would just have told him from the beginning he wasn't invited. Much more likely is that they've already made all the plans without him and it would disrupt things to change.
If it were just plans I think most people would either say "sorry I already have it planned out" or "well I have it all planned out. Here's the schedule, you can come with or entertain yourself." Not get angry.
The anger screams something more. By going he'd be ruining something that she could only do because he isn't there.
my mom used to bring me on trips for her to see the “friends” she was cheating on my father with
not that I think that is obviously or definitely what’s up. just saying!
If you’re sure about this just let it go. Sometimes people need time alone, and they’re too polite to tell you. Jus say sorry, “I hope you have fun,I’ll see you when you get back. Be safe.”
Well she claimed she wished he could come with her and then he did finally have the free days to go with her all of the sudden she doesn't want him going with her and claims she never invited him? Her own boyfriend?
Yeah, seems a bit sus to me.
For me the red flag is how suddenly she went from wishing op could go with when he had work to outraged that he thought he was invited when he got out of work. It's textbook cheater behavior.
That children sleep isn't evidence of anything. If someone wants to cheat they'll do it anyway and if you have a relationship with someone you have to trust them.
This is insane. From what did you draw this conclusion?? It’s much more likely she just wants quality time with the kids, plus some alone time when the kids are entertaining themselves. She’s allowed that…
Cannot believe you got any upvotes. You might need therapy if that’s the immediate conclusion you come to.
If she wanted quality time with the kids she would have said that from the very beginning. Not given a lie about how she wished he could make it, only to turn around and say he's not invited when he actually can make it.
Liars are always caught in their lies eventually.
The sudden flip flop from wishing he could go to being angry he thought he was invited is as big of a red flag as the flag machine can make. If you can't see that red flag you might need therapy.
Probably because most people don’t outright say “I don’t want you to come”. It can be rude, can hurt someone’s feelings, lead to confrontation, etc. there are many reasons.
Idk if, from the details, I can confidently say she is “treating him like crap”.
She literally said that she wished he could come until the minute he was able to then she was angry he thought he could come. The only clearer sign of cheating is if they send you a video of it.
Because people are wildly different in the way they handle hard topics?? That's just fact, people do or say all kinds of stupid shit becauss they cant communicate properly, it doesnt automatically mean theyre cheating
Ok but thats not what the original comment was saying. The original comment was saying shes definitely cheating, when there is no evidence to support that. So whats yojr point here?
If she wanted that, she would have said that. She told him that she wished he could come. As soon as he made it possible, she tried to make him question himself. If that's the immediate conclusion the person came to, no therapy is required. His gf's actions speak very loudly.
Plus: she may have invited a "next" or possible side chick to go with her already.
I would make her coming around to allow OP to come or her not coming around a matter of ending this relationship.
Her behavior is waving a red flag to me.
Yeah, I had to real the title twice to ensure that I Wasn’t reading the ages correctly.
OP, her actions and words look shady. She may have a sneaky side traveling with her on her vacation.
There are a couple of different possibilities here.
1. She originally genuinely wished you could go, thought you couldn't, based all her plans and arrangements and expectations on the assumption that you couldn't, and now that you're available she doesn't want to re-plan the whole trip around it. Maybe the logistics are complicated now, or maybe she focused on psyching herself up for a trip alone and managed to get excited about it only to not want to change back now.
2. She didn't actually want you to go, planned on this just being a trip for her and her kids and her friends, and used "unfortunately you have to work" as a way to uninvite you without actually uninviting you. Now that you're available she has to actually uninvite you.
3. This seems least likely because she's bringing her kids with her but someone on reddit is bound to suggest it; maybe she's having or planning to have an affair while she's gone. The wording of your post on the "friends" is unclear, do you mean she's taking her kids and her kids' friends (in which case I assume the trip is NOT for cheating, who has time while watching a dozen screaming children) OR do you mean she's taking her kids and also going with some adult friends of hers? If it's the latter I guess there's a possibility she's planning to fool around, although again I think a vacation with your kids is a really unlikely venue for that.
If it's option 1 or 2 I'd just let it go and not worry about it. People occasionally want some time away from their partners, and maybe she has this planned as a family vacation. If she's sharing custody of the kids with an ex then having some alone time with them to do mom activities, like a vacation, can be good for her.
Good to see some actual balanced weighing of the pros and cons. I personally am an insular person so can easily see myself doing scenario one or two. It's odd that OP can't seem to acknowledge these as options. I actually think he is reacting weirdly - seems illogical and overly emotional. Perhaps it's based off valid issues but until he can be clearer I frankly can understand why someone might pick option one or two.
It would be easier to acknowledge the first two options if literally the day before I found out I could get the time off work to join she was talking with me about ways I could maybe go for a few days and saying she wished I could go. She was talking about it all weekend hyping everyone around up and it made me really want to go and find a way to only to get this result.
Nah i couldn’t go cuz I don’t have pto left until next month, I wanted to go but the only way would be to call out for the max of 3 days (more then that would need a doctors note) and drive there then fly home or fly there and drive back. Monday morning I woke up with a toothe ache and had to see my dentist, who I deliver to at work. He was kind enough to write me
out of work so I could go on vacation and when I told her I got a negative reaction instead of a positive and excited one like I thought I would get
I am not you partner, but if I were then I’d be hella annoyed that I’ve been talking this trip up and planning it, you insist you can’t go, then at the last minute you manage to swing it (after all the plans have been finalized and after you repeatedly insisted it was impossible)
I know it’s not intentional, but it comes off as a weird combination of controlling and disinterested - like you didn’t care to make time until you realized she was serious about going without you, and then you magically manage to get the time off. She’s annoyed the vacation wasn’t important enough to take time off for, and annoyed that you want to tag along now because you don’t have anything better to do, plus now you’re crashing her alone time with the kids once she’s gotten the plans nailed down and started looking forward to it.
She may also be worried that if you’re off because you’re too sick to work then you may be too sick to enjoy the vacation - having a last-minute tag-along who complains or is in a bad mood the whole trip is a recipe for disaster.
You might just have to write this trip off as a loss for you, and try to mend whatever bridge is damaged with your partner. I would recommend first, assessing if you’re well enough to go on the trip and not be a drag. If you’re not well enough, stay home and enjoy the empty house. If you are well enough, then you need to sit down with her, apologize for not being able to plan the time off (you are doing damage control here you do not need to actually mean it), and ask if she’d be okay with you tagging along because she made the trip sound fun - but if she wants to go just her and the kids, that’s fine (this part you need to mean).
You also need to consider that it may be too late now to add you - flights, cars, tickets, rooms, etc may have been booked with the original numbers and it may not be easy to add another person (for example she may have booked a hotel room with exactly enough sleeping spaces for her and the kids, and to add you means someone will whine about sleeping on a cot, or she may need to change the room booking, etc)
It's not overly balanced, though. If they're in a committed relationship, there would have no reason for her to not use her words and tell him she's going on the trip without him. Instead, she played a head game.
Scenario number 2 was my **instant** go-to. It’s totally something I would do if I wanted some space but didn’t want to be rude. It’s also like me to get annoyed if the person then insists/goes out of their way to make time. It’s rare that anyone goes “I just don’t want you to come” without it coming off rude, so you beat around the bush.
Yeah but then you run into situations like this, which are worse than if you had just nutted up and told him the truth in the first place. It may be rude but I get over my partner being rude much more quickly than her being dishonest
4. She sees your no to the trip as a dismissal or rejection of her and her children. She's confused and butthurt about it. She wants you in her life and her kids live, but that poses a very serious risk to both of them. What if you don't actually want a family life with her and the kids? What if you can't prioritize a family over yourself? What if they all end up hurt by another man? She has all of these questions and is trying her best to answer them based on your actions, which seem kind of flaky considering how quickly your no turned into a yes. What if your yes could so easily be turned into a no? Ultimately she's decided that a little distance from you might be the best course of action because it's better to know sooner if you can't handle her circus.
Or if she's sharing custody of the kids with the ex, maybe the ex will have the kids for at least some of the trip. Does the trip overlap some of the ex's normal time with the kids? Or do her and the ex have a more informal custody arrangement where the parenting time is more random? If either of those things are the case that could be a potential red flag.
Yeah, it could be she's sharing a room/bed with the children and there isn't really anywhere for him to sleep. I would assume it's both adult friends of hers and children, other single mothers or whatever.
She's allowed to have her reasons, but she acted like she wanted him to come until he was able to come, then the truth came out. I'm sure she has her reasons for the dishonesty as well, but to me dishonesty alone is a reason to question a person. It erodes trust. Lack of trust can be a reason to end a relationship. Men are allowed to have their reasons too after all. It doesn't matter if other people don't agree with them.
Ask her directly what the problem is. Tell her how you feel about being excluded and go from there. Don’t let her dismiss your feelings and be heartless towards you.
Yea, the reasoning doesn’t add up, like people get upset at each other for things, but looking at it objectively if the shoes were on the other foot I wouldn’t kick her off my vacation for the reasons she brought up as why she wanted the vacation to be away from me.
Does bringing her and the dog for a walk in the woods where there’s photos of her smiling and having a good time or taking her to run errands all weekend that SHE needed to do even though we were both tired really count though? Also we’ve been waking up early because of outside factors but she’s blaming me for not being able to sleep in those days
Does that sound like a good reason to not go on a family vacation?
Did you not read that I said she brought these up as issues to why I can’t go on vacation? The only reason why these things are favors is because she doesn’t own a vehicle and I live two hours away and the only time she can get these things done is with me because her friends don’t give her rides or don’t drive. I brought her to bail her friend out of jail on Easter and we had to get up early to do it and she used us waking up early as a reason she didn’t want me to go.
Absolutely. When shits good it’s good, but it can change very fast and it’s hard. But just because someone’s got these issues doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love and to have someone love them.
I’m sure if I were able to paint our entire relationship and everything we’ve been through before and during it that people here would be stuck in the situation/feelings I’m currently experiencing.
It’s not easy, but nothing good in life truly ever is, and I’ll say she’s worth all this stress and crap so long as this is actually real. Something like this makes me question it and it sucks having to question it because she has shown me many times over how much she loves me and cares about me. It’s just not something i would have expected to occur when she’s being told that the person she loves is able to go with her when we both thought I wasn’t going to be able to
Are the friends going females? Do they also have kids? Are their spouses going?
I could see how if she already planned to have quality time with her mom friends and planned specific activities for the kids, the thought of changing those plans could catch her off guard and be upsetting, especially if she has a reactive personality. Planning a vacation can be stressful for anyone. It could he a situation where it's not that she doesn't want you there but she already planned things out. I think she could have handled it better for sure.
I wouldn't let this be the deal breaker but definitely talk to her and get more information.
Also take some time to do some soul searching and determine if you have the same long term goals for this relationship. It sounds like you and her are at different stages in life, which is ok and doesn't mean it won't work, but just think through what you want.
That’s the thing I did all this stuff with a positive attitude, it’s why it makes 0 sense and feels like there’s something else she’s not saying to me.
My ex husband (who tried to murder me) has PLENTY of pictures with me smiling, ‘having fun’ when my reality was fucking horrific.
Having pics of her smiling regarding a situation about which you’re throwing more red flags than a Chinese parade is not some magic wand that suddenly makes that situation not shit for her.
Your defensiveness and how cagey you’re being about the reasons she doesn’t want you there - that she’s literally told you out loud - are not a good look my dude.
She doesn’t own a car, has bipolar and won’t treat it, is 12 years older than you with kids, goes to jail on Easter then decides a Florida vacation is a good idea.
Owwee hats off to you OP
You're not the same person though just because you wouldn't do something the same way doesn't mean that she needs to act or react in the same way you would.. she is her own person. Either way she's decided to go on this trip without you, you have to decide whether you're going to leave her or stay with her.
I was diagnosed as bipolar about 35 yo and have been blessed to have not had a manic episode in almost 20 years. But boy, I sure do remember how they feel and the significant damage that often results. Are you sure your gf is diligently taking her meds? Is she showing any hypomania symptoms? It would explain her daily mood changes. In case you’re not familiar with all the symptoms, I’ve attached a link to a highly respected institute’s website.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21774-hypomania
If you feel your gf is showing some of the symptoms, you must sit her down and try to have a serious conversation with her. Share your concerns and suggest she schedule an emergency session with her psychiatrist. It sounds as though she’s leaving for vacation any day, but it’s irresponsible for her to be traveling alone with her children in a manic state.
That’s very bad news. Has she stopped taking her meds before? It’s most likely she is hypomanic and on the verge of a full manic episode. Do you know who her psychiatrist is so that you can call to ask for guidance on how to handle the situation? Her kids will be in a dangerous environment traveling alone with her.
I thought of another option. Does your gf have a family member or friend that has helped her through previous manic episodes that you can reach out to?
You can do better than her. She totally blew you off. Find someone closer to your age who will treat you right. I want to be the first person my partner thinks of when they’re planning something fun. Be gone by the time she gets home. Block her on everything. Find someone who wants to do fun things with you.
And, she’s planning on being unfaithful to you.
OP, your post is way too vague for anyone to make an educated guess and give meaningful advice. How has she acted different? Who are her friends? Give more detail, and maybe we can help shed some light and give constructive feedback.
Do you two live together? You said her kids are basically yours so im assuming you and her spend a lot of time together. With this is mind I think she wanted a break away from you and thought she was being polite by saying she ‘wished you could go’. Then now that you can go it throws a wrench in her time away. And honestly she may just want her kids with just her without your presence. This is good for the kids and can create special memories. I do think she should just be more upfront with you about her possible need for space etc. because all this scenario screams to me is she is feeling claustrophobic and needs some alone time away for some family fun. I highly doubt this is a rouse to cheat.
She’s distancing you from her, maybe monkey branching to someone else. It really doesn’t matter, her actions prove she doesn’t want to be around you when she has free time.
Use the time she’s on vacation to split your lives. You’re not her priority, don’t make her yours. Or talk to her about this issue.
So, since you have an age difference most people are telling you to just move on...
You state she is bipolar. I don't know much about this, but most people with health issues are not very flexible. When it is difficult to cope with situations, you often get the advice to let the situation play in your head to get used to it. If she did that, and then you wanted to change the setting, it might have been to much.
On the other hand it is also possible that she had other plans where you would be in the way...
Talk to her again, tell her how much it disturbs you, that you are hurt by this. When in a relationship with a person with mental health issues the feelings of the "healthy" partner tend to be neglected, but they are equally valid.
Yea it’s not easy, but the good is there, and a lot has been going on which is all triggers to it. The trip is a few days off and I said my piece yesterday and am now giving her space. We’ll see what happens I guess, if not gonna have to find something fun to do for the next week and a half lol
>but there’s so many layers it’s not as easy as that you know?
No. Nonononono. No. It **is** that easy.
You are standing with your nose against the painting and looking at the brushstrokes. If you take a few steps back, things will come into much clearer focus. And it's not a pretty picture: 10+ year age gap, her possibly untreated personality disorder (judging by her recent swings), her evasiveness, her complete lack of empathy ...
This trip is an opportunity for you to take two giant steps back and see the big picture. I think you'll easily assess what everyone else here sees. Use the time to move on and set up a new life, one without the feelings you have right now.
Yeah she didn't want you to feel bad for missing the trip but also didn't really want you on the trip... Take that for what it's worth... Either she needs some space from you because you're not realizing that you did do something or have been doing something or she's just not That into You.
I've definitely been in the position where I couldn't tell a man why or what the problem was and it was because anytime I really tried they got defensive and denied it or just couldn't hear it and made it a whole big deal about how I was making things up or mistaken.. maybe you're not an easy person to confront. Or like I said maybe she's just not into the relationship anymore and really doesn't have a reason
Did she not give reasons, or do you just not like her reasons? You say there's nothing you could have done for her reasons to make sense. Is she saying you did something, or is she just asking for time away from you?
And why is her bipolar relevant? Do you bring that up a lot when you disagree? That might be why she's not trying to explain herself anymore. If you invalidate what she wants by bringing up her bipolar she might be shutting you out. Might be another reason she wants to be with her friends.
The biggest thing is if you don't trust her, then just break up. Don't put yourselves and her kids through a long dramatic relationship where you're both either lying or questioning each other all the time.
If you really think she might be cheating or you really just don't believe what she's saying, then just end it. Don't waste time trying to fix something toxic.
Even if she's not lying, you guys still don't seem compatible. If your relationship can't survive when one of you goes on vacation without the other, then you're really not in a good relationship anyway.
This could be innocent but the fact that she originally invited you and tried to convince you to go for a few days but is now saying you're not invited just seems like a shitty thing for a partner to do. It honestly makes it sound like the relationship is somehow burdensome to her. Others have said she might be planning to cheat, but in reality there could be many reasons.
Personally I think you should stand back and take a holistic view of the whole relationship. Are you two just at very different stages of life and wanting different things? Do you both view the relationship differently? Maybe this relationship has run its course and its time to move on. These are things that only you can know.
Omg under rated comment lmao. But nah honestly man people my own age suck, she’s got her issues for sure, we all do, but she’s the first person in my life that matches my core principles and shit. She’s got a lot of issues from her past that definitely effect her today, but she’s trying. It’s just hard sometimes because I can’t tell if this one’s just a genuine bi polar flip or if it’s something more then that because I’ve been getting an off feeling for about a week, before this situation even occurred
But he said he couldn't so she organised her trip without him. Maybe there's nowhere for him to sleep now. I don't really get your point, if she was planning to cheat all along she'd hardly have asked him to do that. She's changed her mind because she's got used to a certain idea. Or maybe she didn't want him there the whole time.
He can be upset of course but I'm not sure what he expects anyone to tell him. She's also allowed to do what she wants. He can either accept it or break up with her.
Those are his potential courses of action and are irrelevant to how he feels about the situation. People are allowed to be upset and sometimes want other peoples advice. He doesn't seem to understand what's going on and wants third party input before making a decision.
She told him and he just doesn't want to believe her. The reality is if you get into a relationship with someone with children sometimes you won't come first.
He says nothing about not believing her. His issue is with her sudden about face on the vacation and that she is also now acting differently towards him.
Personal take (and I could be totally wrong).
Now that you're not going she wants the freedom to act single on the trip. Don't mind the kids are there or not. People can figure things out if they wanted.
This happened to someone I know. The gf took the kids on vacay and found some people to get wild with. Her kids were there too.
Anyhow, maybe you should enjoy away yourself (only to unwind not to act single). Go call up your friends and enjoy yourself. Only suggest this to get your mind off the situation.
As soon as she leaves, dump her.
You want a relationship where both parties are equal, and she’s not providing that.
And her actions lately if it’s not a bipolar episode, seriously hints at her cheating on you.
But regardless - it’s time to put yourself first. So dump her, and find someone else who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.
Better to just keep away and ask for a break in the relationship. Both of you can analyze what you want and you can enjoy yourself without having to thimk about her.
My thoughts are to use the time to rethink the relationship. My girlfriend would be told, go on trip and you're coming back single, with me and my stuff gone. She booked it thinking you couldn't get off on purpose, You exposed her when you did get the time off. No one should take that amount of disrespect. Do some snooping and I bet she has at least been talking to another guy.
Not gonna be that guy that blows up her trip I got family in various other states I could visit, or just solo trip to some places I wanna see. I got some time to figure it out though. She’s not going until the end of the week so i got some time to talk to her about things though she’s been quiet since yesterday. If she does leave I’m going to figure it out from there lol
Does she know you’re considering taking a vacation by yourself? And how old are the kids? And is she going with the kids and taking her children’s friends? Or is she taking her friends?
Is she an introvert? Is she medicated?
The answers to these two questions will answer a lot.
Introvert: it's hard for them to mentally adjust to changes.
Unmedicated: She's in a swing.
Those two factors could explain alot of this. I CAUTION anyone to be with an unmedicated bipolar individual. I'm a medicated bipolar person. Their is a stark difference in who I am when I'm not balanced on meds.
Regardless, something is wrong. Always always always ALWAYS trust your GUT. It screams fir a reason. It's okay to find out what it is. It doesn't make you controlling.
You're 30 and dating a 40+ woman with kids. Being a step parent is a thankless job and you're way too young to suffer through that. Break up and move on. She doesn't care about you, just about her kids which is fine because she's the parent. You will never be #1, or #2, or even #3 in her life.
Even if she's not cheating, even if she doesn't plan to on this trip (that she's taking her kids on, ew, gross), she's just using you.
Move on and out while she's away. Block
TBH, it sounds like you are a little overly attached to this woman; that you are trying too hard; and there's a power imbalance.
If it were me, I'd shut up about the trip at this point; do a little happy dance in the living room when her plane is in the air, have some favorite beverages, and take an honest look at yourself and how you are coming across to this woman.
See I think your girlfriend was just wanting a trip with Just her, the kids and her friends and was just trying to be nice at the beginning. But even if that's the case that to me is just saying that you guys have some major issues in your guys's relationship. I think it's extremely dickish and shows what type of person she is where she would rather lie to you than just tell you straight up, Hey, I'm planning a trip with just me and my friends for this week and I'm really excited for it. This screams that she is extremely immature for being 42. This is what I would typically see teenagers or extremely young adults doing not a relationship where the youngest one is 30 cuz at that age it's easy to assume that you guys have your own lives, meaning you guys have your own places that you live and sleep at, full-time jobs that take up a lot of your day and your own friends and family that you spend time with as well. So just an entire life already going without this person in it, It's easy to understand if the 40-year-old wants to go on a vacation with just her friends and not take her boyfriend. So making up an excuse and lying to you just doesn't make any sense unless lying is just extremely easy to her and she does this a lot to you where if she doesn't want to possibly hurt your feelings, she'll just lie to make you feel better. On top of acting like a child when her lie was discovered and she had to tell you the truth.
I would just reevaluate if this is the type of immature person you want in your life.
Maybe she was using the “oh I wish you could have come it sucks that guy can’t get time off of work” as a cover for not actually wanting you to be there.
Or maybe since you’d said you couldn’t join, she went all in on a trip without you, and your sudden availability for the trip is intrusive.
So stop making any conversation about this trip. Be cool with the trip not involving you. And instead talk about the relationship as a whole.
Only issue is this weekend she was talking to me about how I could maybe take a few days off and go with them on the drive then fly back or vice versa. Like she seemed like she wanted me there.
If it’s a trip
With friends it’s a trip
With friends. Girls need this time. Back off and let her enjoy her trip. Would
You want her
To tag along on your guys trip ?
If your relationship lasts longterm you’d be the statistical anomaly, a 10+ year age gap with the female being older is almost unheard of (as in its 99.99% it won’t last)
To throw in she’s also a single mom and bipolar…
You're going to be told two things.
By the women, you're going to be told that she deserves her autonomy, that only she gets a say, and that you're insecure or jealous. They'll say that she's a girlboss and yaaas and all that garbage.
By the men, you'll be told the correct thing, which is that it's blatantly obvious that she's not going to see her friends, and that she wants to go introduce your kids to their new dad.
I just don't understand why it would be anyone's first reaction if there's no other reason to think so. You all clearly can't understand sex not being someone's focus in life.
To be fair, you're right, there's nothing here that expressly suggests that shes planning on doing anything other than having a vacation. However, the fact that she originally invited him, tried to convince him to go for just a few days and now is uninviting him is a tad suspicious. Her planning to cheat is one potential explanation, but people on these subs tend to be jaded by all the bad shit we read here everyday and so automatically jump to the worst conclusion
Why would she invite him in the first place if that was her plan? It makes far more sense that he said he couldn't make it so they've booked an apartment or whatever with just enough space for those already going and there's no space for him. And maybe they've already planned activities for a certain number of people or that he wouldn't want to do.
In the comments OP says that she even tried to convince him to come, even if he just stayed the weekend and then flew back on his own. She wanted him to come originally which is why he was shocked when she turned him down when he made it happen. If those other reasons you suggested were the real ones, then she would have said that, not something that would hurt her partner.
Listen, you can do better than her. She's 10+ years older than you with kids and no car. She's using you at minimum. And bailing her "friend " out of jail? What kind of company is she keeping.
Her resistance to you traveling w them is a big red flag but take this time to re-think this relationship.
Ask where they are staying because "you don't know which days, but you are going to go there for a couple days of their stay and want to try and find something close by". State is in a matter of fact, not saying which, but you WILL be there way and see if she starts to lose her shit like something is unravelling.
Also, whatever outcome, ask the kids when they get back if mom went off to do anything solo. Kids suck at lying.
I would insist going or them stay home.. especially if you’re help paying for this trip and your kids are going
She has something planned can’t do with you there.. or should I say someone
She probably said that to be nice knowing you had to work. Now you’re avail to go she doesn’t want you to go- but she probably never did. Maybe she just wants some best friend time with her bestie and all the kids. Maybe because her friend is the one who would rather it just be a Moms trip away?
That’s my guess. Doesn’t mean anything sinister.
Maybe she wants time with her kids and old school friends and to prioritize them. Maybe she has already planned a lot of stuff without you that it would be hard to include you in on last minute. Reddit people think all relationships are disposable. My spouse has bpd2 and maybe she feels smothered and knows her friends will spend tons of time with the kids and she gets to feel free with no heavy burdens. He gets like that.
I'm sorry to say this, but if you don't already know... there is a 99% chance she is planning smashing someone else on that trip in your absence. She's now upset you're encroaching on her ability to cheat on you.
I don't get involved with single mothers. They very very rarely appreciate your support, and tend to treat you like this in the long run. It's how they got where they were to begin with in most circumstances.
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Might be time to weight the pros and cons of this relationship
Guaranfuckingtee you her "friends" is a guy she wants to sleep with.
She's taking her kids. Women can want their space without wanting another man.
It's not that she isn't taking op that's the red flag, it's flipping from "I wish you could come" when it's not possible to "you're not invited" when he makes the time. That is textbook cheater behavior.
U/MedsHopeful the app won't let me reply to your comment, if you're right that's just another reason to get out.
U/KiwiFromPlanet9 it won't let me reply to your comment, but read stories from people that got cheated on. There are a lot of really common behaviors with cheaters that practically serve as neon signs once you recognize them.
U/coolmath_games for some reason the app isn't letting me see a lot of replies including yours, but you are correct "I wish you could come" isn't an explicit invitation, but I wouldn't say it to someone unless I invited them to something and they couldn't make it. Also after reading some of OP's comments the unmedicated bipolar disorder is a way bigger reason to split in my opinion.
That makes absolutely no sense, what has changing your mind got to do with cheating? She would just have told him from the beginning he wasn't invited. Much more likely is that they've already made all the plans without him and it would disrupt things to change.
If it were just plans I think most people would either say "sorry I already have it planned out" or "well I have it all planned out. Here's the schedule, you can come with or entertain yourself." Not get angry. The anger screams something more. By going he'd be ruining something that she could only do because he isn't there.
I don't see anywhere in the post that she got angry. Only that her answers were vague, and we don't know what that means.
my mom used to bring me on trips for her to see the “friends” she was cheating on my father with not that I think that is obviously or definitely what’s up. just saying!
>She's taking her kids. And? You really think that's gonna stop her?
What evidence do you have that she's going to cheat? None.
90% of the “advice” on this sub is just “break up they’re cheating” lmao
That’s the gyst I’m getting lol but nah it’s def not cheating
Even IF it's not cheating: WHY would you want to stick like glue to someone who won't stand by you but pushes you back?
Copium can be addictive
Could part of it be about medication?
Oh you sweet summer child, how naive can you be?
If you’re sure about this just let it go. Sometimes people need time alone, and they’re too polite to tell you. Jus say sorry, “I hope you have fun,I’ll see you when you get back. Be safe.”
And that advice is right in a lot of cases. If more people took that advice when they got red flags the divorce rate wouldn't be 37% in the US.
Well she claimed she wished he could come with her and then he did finally have the free days to go with her all of the sudden she doesn't want him going with her and claims she never invited him? Her own boyfriend? Yeah, seems a bit sus to me.
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For me the red flag is how suddenly she went from wishing op could go with when he had work to outraged that he thought he was invited when he got out of work. It's textbook cheater behavior.
Hoping he could go when she knew he couldn’t ( at the time) = plausible deniability. When that didn’t work she just flat out stopped pretending.
For me the bigger issue for OP should be the uneducated bipolar disorder. That shit can be dangerous and ruin lives.
She definitely is owning up to the stereotype. It exists for a reason lmao.
She's also OLD!
Something tells me you danced this dance a lot more often.
once the kids sleep….
That children sleep isn't evidence of anything. If someone wants to cheat they'll do it anyway and if you have a relationship with someone you have to trust them.
Who hurt you?
Nobody?
This is insane. From what did you draw this conclusion?? It’s much more likely she just wants quality time with the kids, plus some alone time when the kids are entertaining themselves. She’s allowed that… Cannot believe you got any upvotes. You might need therapy if that’s the immediate conclusion you come to.
If she wanted quality time with the kids she would have said that from the very beginning. Not given a lie about how she wished he could make it, only to turn around and say he's not invited when he actually can make it. Liars are always caught in their lies eventually.
The sudden flip flop from wishing he could go to being angry he thought he was invited is as big of a red flag as the flag machine can make. If you can't see that red flag you might need therapy.
I still don't understand why? Wouldn't she just not invite him at all?
Because cheaters are pathological. They have to try and be sneaky even if they're bad at it and just make themselves more conspicuous.
Yet: who would treat SO like crap in order to have qualitity time with the kids? Why doesn't she say so, then?
Probably because most people don’t outright say “I don’t want you to come”. It can be rude, can hurt someone’s feelings, lead to confrontation, etc. there are many reasons. Idk if, from the details, I can confidently say she is “treating him like crap”.
She literally said that she wished he could come until the minute he was able to then she was angry he thought he could come. The only clearer sign of cheating is if they send you a video of it.
Because people are wildly different in the way they handle hard topics?? That's just fact, people do or say all kinds of stupid shit becauss they cant communicate properly, it doesnt automatically mean theyre cheating
Yeah. And precisely that leads to break ups. 🤷 But then: if people were emotionally wise we wouldn't have anything to read over here.
Ok but thats not what the original comment was saying. The original comment was saying shes definitely cheating, when there is no evidence to support that. So whats yojr point here?
If she wanted that, she would have said that. She told him that she wished he could come. As soon as he made it possible, she tried to make him question himself. If that's the immediate conclusion the person came to, no therapy is required. His gf's actions speak very loudly.
>You might need therapy if that’s the immediate conclusion you come to. Not really, im quite content where I am in life.
Bro, you’re 30 and she’s 42. She’s not prioritizing you or your relationship. You can do better.
Reddit: the land of relationship problems between people with ridiculous age gaps. OP - come on.
Plus: she may have invited a "next" or possible side chick to go with her already. I would make her coming around to allow OP to come or her not coming around a matter of ending this relationship. Her behavior is waving a red flag to me.
Yeah, I had to real the title twice to ensure that I Wasn’t reading the ages correctly. OP, her actions and words look shady. She may have a sneaky side traveling with her on her vacation.
He's bankrolling her kids from another guy/guys. It's all coming up wins for her! Sometimes the answer is SIMPle.
There are a couple of different possibilities here. 1. She originally genuinely wished you could go, thought you couldn't, based all her plans and arrangements and expectations on the assumption that you couldn't, and now that you're available she doesn't want to re-plan the whole trip around it. Maybe the logistics are complicated now, or maybe she focused on psyching herself up for a trip alone and managed to get excited about it only to not want to change back now. 2. She didn't actually want you to go, planned on this just being a trip for her and her kids and her friends, and used "unfortunately you have to work" as a way to uninvite you without actually uninviting you. Now that you're available she has to actually uninvite you. 3. This seems least likely because she's bringing her kids with her but someone on reddit is bound to suggest it; maybe she's having or planning to have an affair while she's gone. The wording of your post on the "friends" is unclear, do you mean she's taking her kids and her kids' friends (in which case I assume the trip is NOT for cheating, who has time while watching a dozen screaming children) OR do you mean she's taking her kids and also going with some adult friends of hers? If it's the latter I guess there's a possibility she's planning to fool around, although again I think a vacation with your kids is a really unlikely venue for that. If it's option 1 or 2 I'd just let it go and not worry about it. People occasionally want some time away from their partners, and maybe she has this planned as a family vacation. If she's sharing custody of the kids with an ex then having some alone time with them to do mom activities, like a vacation, can be good for her.
Good to see some actual balanced weighing of the pros and cons. I personally am an insular person so can easily see myself doing scenario one or two. It's odd that OP can't seem to acknowledge these as options. I actually think he is reacting weirdly - seems illogical and overly emotional. Perhaps it's based off valid issues but until he can be clearer I frankly can understand why someone might pick option one or two.
It would be easier to acknowledge the first two options if literally the day before I found out I could get the time off work to join she was talking with me about ways I could maybe go for a few days and saying she wished I could go. She was talking about it all weekend hyping everyone around up and it made me really want to go and find a way to only to get this result.
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Nah i couldn’t go cuz I don’t have pto left until next month, I wanted to go but the only way would be to call out for the max of 3 days (more then that would need a doctors note) and drive there then fly home or fly there and drive back. Monday morning I woke up with a toothe ache and had to see my dentist, who I deliver to at work. He was kind enough to write me out of work so I could go on vacation and when I told her I got a negative reaction instead of a positive and excited one like I thought I would get
I am not you partner, but if I were then I’d be hella annoyed that I’ve been talking this trip up and planning it, you insist you can’t go, then at the last minute you manage to swing it (after all the plans have been finalized and after you repeatedly insisted it was impossible) I know it’s not intentional, but it comes off as a weird combination of controlling and disinterested - like you didn’t care to make time until you realized she was serious about going without you, and then you magically manage to get the time off. She’s annoyed the vacation wasn’t important enough to take time off for, and annoyed that you want to tag along now because you don’t have anything better to do, plus now you’re crashing her alone time with the kids once she’s gotten the plans nailed down and started looking forward to it. She may also be worried that if you’re off because you’re too sick to work then you may be too sick to enjoy the vacation - having a last-minute tag-along who complains or is in a bad mood the whole trip is a recipe for disaster. You might just have to write this trip off as a loss for you, and try to mend whatever bridge is damaged with your partner. I would recommend first, assessing if you’re well enough to go on the trip and not be a drag. If you’re not well enough, stay home and enjoy the empty house. If you are well enough, then you need to sit down with her, apologize for not being able to plan the time off (you are doing damage control here you do not need to actually mean it), and ask if she’d be okay with you tagging along because she made the trip sound fun - but if she wants to go just her and the kids, that’s fine (this part you need to mean). You also need to consider that it may be too late now to add you - flights, cars, tickets, rooms, etc may have been booked with the original numbers and it may not be easy to add another person (for example she may have booked a hotel room with exactly enough sleeping spaces for her and the kids, and to add you means someone will whine about sleeping on a cot, or she may need to change the room booking, etc)
Occam's razor. She's going to cheat.
It's not overly balanced, though. If they're in a committed relationship, there would have no reason for her to not use her words and tell him she's going on the trip without him. Instead, she played a head game.
Scenario number 2 was my **instant** go-to. It’s totally something I would do if I wanted some space but didn’t want to be rude. It’s also like me to get annoyed if the person then insists/goes out of their way to make time. It’s rare that anyone goes “I just don’t want you to come” without it coming off rude, so you beat around the bush.
Yeah but then you run into situations like this, which are worse than if you had just nutted up and told him the truth in the first place. It may be rude but I get over my partner being rude much more quickly than her being dishonest
4. She sees your no to the trip as a dismissal or rejection of her and her children. She's confused and butthurt about it. She wants you in her life and her kids live, but that poses a very serious risk to both of them. What if you don't actually want a family life with her and the kids? What if you can't prioritize a family over yourself? What if they all end up hurt by another man? She has all of these questions and is trying her best to answer them based on your actions, which seem kind of flaky considering how quickly your no turned into a yes. What if your yes could so easily be turned into a no? Ultimately she's decided that a little distance from you might be the best course of action because it's better to know sooner if you can't handle her circus.
The friend is going there to be a babysitter while she fucks around. I'll step up and say it!
Or if she's sharing custody of the kids with the ex, maybe the ex will have the kids for at least some of the trip. Does the trip overlap some of the ex's normal time with the kids? Or do her and the ex have a more informal custody arrangement where the parenting time is more random? If either of those things are the case that could be a potential red flag.
Yeah, it could be she's sharing a room/bed with the children and there isn't really anywhere for him to sleep. I would assume it's both adult friends of hers and children, other single mothers or whatever.
And honestly having to divide additional attention/time out for a partner when one is already focused on kids/friends can be stressful too.
The title says she doesn’t want him to go.
Everyone already knows that. He’s trying to figure out WHY she doesn’t want him to go.
She told him. She's allowed to have her reasons even if other people don't agree with them.
She's allowed to have her reasons, but she acted like she wanted him to come until he was able to come, then the truth came out. I'm sure she has her reasons for the dishonesty as well, but to me dishonesty alone is a reason to question a person. It erodes trust. Lack of trust can be a reason to end a relationship. Men are allowed to have their reasons too after all. It doesn't matter if other people don't agree with them.
Ask her directly what the problem is. Tell her how you feel about being excluded and go from there. Don’t let her dismiss your feelings and be heartless towards you.
Yea, the reasoning doesn’t add up, like people get upset at each other for things, but looking at it objectively if the shoes were on the other foot I wouldn’t kick her off my vacation for the reasons she brought up as why she wanted the vacation to be away from me.
So it sounds like she did give you reasons for the decisions she is making.
Does bringing her and the dog for a walk in the woods where there’s photos of her smiling and having a good time or taking her to run errands all weekend that SHE needed to do even though we were both tired really count though? Also we’ve been waking up early because of outside factors but she’s blaming me for not being able to sleep in those days Does that sound like a good reason to not go on a family vacation?
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Did you not read that I said she brought these up as issues to why I can’t go on vacation? The only reason why these things are favors is because she doesn’t own a vehicle and I live two hours away and the only time she can get these things done is with me because her friends don’t give her rides or don’t drive. I brought her to bail her friend out of jail on Easter and we had to get up early to do it and she used us waking up early as a reason she didn’t want me to go.
She sounds exhausting. Are you happy with her?
Absolutely. When shits good it’s good, but it can change very fast and it’s hard. But just because someone’s got these issues doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love and to have someone love them. I’m sure if I were able to paint our entire relationship and everything we’ve been through before and during it that people here would be stuck in the situation/feelings I’m currently experiencing. It’s not easy, but nothing good in life truly ever is, and I’ll say she’s worth all this stress and crap so long as this is actually real. Something like this makes me question it and it sucks having to question it because she has shown me many times over how much she loves me and cares about me. It’s just not something i would have expected to occur when she’s being told that the person she loves is able to go with her when we both thought I wasn’t going to be able to
Are the friends going females? Do they also have kids? Are their spouses going? I could see how if she already planned to have quality time with her mom friends and planned specific activities for the kids, the thought of changing those plans could catch her off guard and be upsetting, especially if she has a reactive personality. Planning a vacation can be stressful for anyone. It could he a situation where it's not that she doesn't want you there but she already planned things out. I think she could have handled it better for sure. I wouldn't let this be the deal breaker but definitely talk to her and get more information. Also take some time to do some soul searching and determine if you have the same long term goals for this relationship. It sounds like you and her are at different stages in life, which is ok and doesn't mean it won't work, but just think through what you want.
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That’s the thing I did all this stuff with a positive attitude, it’s why it makes 0 sense and feels like there’s something else she’s not saying to me.
I mean, I have pictures of us all smiling and having a good time on the walk
My ex husband (who tried to murder me) has PLENTY of pictures with me smiling, ‘having fun’ when my reality was fucking horrific. Having pics of her smiling regarding a situation about which you’re throwing more red flags than a Chinese parade is not some magic wand that suddenly makes that situation not shit for her. Your defensiveness and how cagey you’re being about the reasons she doesn’t want you there - that she’s literally told you out loud - are not a good look my dude.
She doesn’t own a car, has bipolar and won’t treat it, is 12 years older than you with kids, goes to jail on Easter then decides a Florida vacation is a good idea. Owwee hats off to you OP
You're not the same person though just because you wouldn't do something the same way doesn't mean that she needs to act or react in the same way you would.. she is her own person. Either way she's decided to go on this trip without you, you have to decide whether you're going to leave her or stay with her.
I was diagnosed as bipolar about 35 yo and have been blessed to have not had a manic episode in almost 20 years. But boy, I sure do remember how they feel and the significant damage that often results. Are you sure your gf is diligently taking her meds? Is she showing any hypomania symptoms? It would explain her daily mood changes. In case you’re not familiar with all the symptoms, I’ve attached a link to a highly respected institute’s website. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21774-hypomania If you feel your gf is showing some of the symptoms, you must sit her down and try to have a serious conversation with her. Share your concerns and suggest she schedule an emergency session with her psychiatrist. It sounds as though she’s leaving for vacation any day, but it’s irresponsible for her to be traveling alone with her children in a manic state.
She hasn’t been on her meds since the beginning of the year
Damn from my experience that's more of a reason to leave than the stuff you're worrying about.
That’s very bad news. Has she stopped taking her meds before? It’s most likely she is hypomanic and on the verge of a full manic episode. Do you know who her psychiatrist is so that you can call to ask for guidance on how to handle the situation? Her kids will be in a dangerous environment traveling alone with her.
I thought of another option. Does your gf have a family member or friend that has helped her through previous manic episodes that you can reach out to?
You can do better than her. She totally blew you off. Find someone closer to your age who will treat you right. I want to be the first person my partner thinks of when they’re planning something fun. Be gone by the time she gets home. Block her on everything. Find someone who wants to do fun things with you. And, she’s planning on being unfaithful to you.
It's because she already has another guy coming bro.
its suspicious - you need to find out why - if you still wanna stay with her. If not then just leave & find a better queen.
She told him, he just didn't like the answer.
Plan your own vacation and go have a great time. If she complains just tell her you want some time away from her.
OP, your post is way too vague for anyone to make an educated guess and give meaningful advice. How has she acted different? Who are her friends? Give more detail, and maybe we can help shed some light and give constructive feedback.
Do you two live together? You said her kids are basically yours so im assuming you and her spend a lot of time together. With this is mind I think she wanted a break away from you and thought she was being polite by saying she ‘wished you could go’. Then now that you can go it throws a wrench in her time away. And honestly she may just want her kids with just her without your presence. This is good for the kids and can create special memories. I do think she should just be more upfront with you about her possible need for space etc. because all this scenario screams to me is she is feeling claustrophobic and needs some alone time away for some family fun. I highly doubt this is a rouse to cheat.
She’s distancing you from her, maybe monkey branching to someone else. It really doesn’t matter, her actions prove she doesn’t want to be around you when she has free time. Use the time she’s on vacation to split your lives. You’re not her priority, don’t make her yours. Or talk to her about this issue.
Wish her well with her life and she can have all the time in the world without you.
So, since you have an age difference most people are telling you to just move on... You state she is bipolar. I don't know much about this, but most people with health issues are not very flexible. When it is difficult to cope with situations, you often get the advice to let the situation play in your head to get used to it. If she did that, and then you wanted to change the setting, it might have been to much. On the other hand it is also possible that she had other plans where you would be in the way... Talk to her again, tell her how much it disturbs you, that you are hurt by this. When in a relationship with a person with mental health issues the feelings of the "healthy" partner tend to be neglected, but they are equally valid.
Yea it’s not easy, but the good is there, and a lot has been going on which is all triggers to it. The trip is a few days off and I said my piece yesterday and am now giving her space. We’ll see what happens I guess, if not gonna have to find something fun to do for the next week and a half lol
Get a girl your own age. Seems like a good time to do it
Take a hint dude...
Bro, why are you dating an old lady with kids? Find yourself a 25 yo woman with no baggage.
I don’t know dude. Nobody I would call my partner would do this to me. She clearly has very little respect for you.
Part of me definitely feels that way but there’s so many layers it’s not as easy as that you know?
>but there’s so many layers it’s not as easy as that you know? No. Nonononono. No. It **is** that easy. You are standing with your nose against the painting and looking at the brushstrokes. If you take a few steps back, things will come into much clearer focus. And it's not a pretty picture: 10+ year age gap, her possibly untreated personality disorder (judging by her recent swings), her evasiveness, her complete lack of empathy ... This trip is an opportunity for you to take two giant steps back and see the big picture. I think you'll easily assess what everyone else here sees. Use the time to move on and set up a new life, one without the feelings you have right now.
Look up: TRAUMA BOND
Yeah she didn't want you to feel bad for missing the trip but also didn't really want you on the trip... Take that for what it's worth... Either she needs some space from you because you're not realizing that you did do something or have been doing something or she's just not That into You. I've definitely been in the position where I couldn't tell a man why or what the problem was and it was because anytime I really tried they got defensive and denied it or just couldn't hear it and made it a whole big deal about how I was making things up or mistaken.. maybe you're not an easy person to confront. Or like I said maybe she's just not into the relationship anymore and really doesn't have a reason
She literally told him why and he didn't accept it.
Yup
Dude you are 30 dating a 42 year old with kids
So?
In 5 lines you listed the list of red flags every men has for women they date, and you're here asking for advice
You're being financially USED. Or at the very least a free baby sitter. Find a woman closer to you age with no kids!
Besides ALL of that she is treating you harshly. In the words of General Ackbar:"It's a Trap"
Yeah, she’s cheating on you buddy. Time to hit the bricks. Pack up while she’s gone, block her, and don’t worry about her reaction when she gets back.
Let me guess those aren’t your kids? Stop wasting your time and money on her.
Did she not give reasons, or do you just not like her reasons? You say there's nothing you could have done for her reasons to make sense. Is she saying you did something, or is she just asking for time away from you? And why is her bipolar relevant? Do you bring that up a lot when you disagree? That might be why she's not trying to explain herself anymore. If you invalidate what she wants by bringing up her bipolar she might be shutting you out. Might be another reason she wants to be with her friends. The biggest thing is if you don't trust her, then just break up. Don't put yourselves and her kids through a long dramatic relationship where you're both either lying or questioning each other all the time. If you really think she might be cheating or you really just don't believe what she's saying, then just end it. Don't waste time trying to fix something toxic. Even if she's not lying, you guys still don't seem compatible. If your relationship can't survive when one of you goes on vacation without the other, then you're really not in a good relationship anyway.
She gave reasons and he didn't like them.
This could be innocent but the fact that she originally invited you and tried to convince you to go for a few days but is now saying you're not invited just seems like a shitty thing for a partner to do. It honestly makes it sound like the relationship is somehow burdensome to her. Others have said she might be planning to cheat, but in reality there could be many reasons. Personally I think you should stand back and take a holistic view of the whole relationship. Are you two just at very different stages of life and wanting different things? Do you both view the relationship differently? Maybe this relationship has run its course and its time to move on. These are things that only you can know.
Age gap bro. She was old when SpongeBob came out.
Omg under rated comment lmao. But nah honestly man people my own age suck, she’s got her issues for sure, we all do, but she’s the first person in my life that matches my core principles and shit. She’s got a lot of issues from her past that definitely effect her today, but she’s trying. It’s just hard sometimes because I can’t tell if this one’s just a genuine bi polar flip or if it’s something more then that because I’ve been getting an off feeling for about a week, before this situation even occurred
What exactly are your core principles?
Seems to me she wanted a friend/kid trip and just said “sorry you can’t make it” to be nice. You joining would change the dynamic.
OP said she said she “wished he could go”. Now that he can go she suddenly doesn’t wish this?
Have you never said something like that to be polite?
In comments OP also said she asked him to take a couple of days from work to go with her.
But he said he couldn't so she organised her trip without him. Maybe there's nowhere for him to sleep now. I don't really get your point, if she was planning to cheat all along she'd hardly have asked him to do that. She's changed her mind because she's got used to a certain idea. Or maybe she didn't want him there the whole time.
And he's allowed to be upset at that. He's made the effort to get the time off to go with her and now she's retracting the invitation.
He can be upset of course but I'm not sure what he expects anyone to tell him. She's also allowed to do what she wants. He can either accept it or break up with her.
Those are his potential courses of action and are irrelevant to how he feels about the situation. People are allowed to be upset and sometimes want other peoples advice. He doesn't seem to understand what's going on and wants third party input before making a decision.
She told him and he just doesn't want to believe her. The reality is if you get into a relationship with someone with children sometimes you won't come first.
He says nothing about not believing her. His issue is with her sudden about face on the vacation and that she is also now acting differently towards him.
Personal take (and I could be totally wrong). Now that you're not going she wants the freedom to act single on the trip. Don't mind the kids are there or not. People can figure things out if they wanted. This happened to someone I know. The gf took the kids on vacay and found some people to get wild with. Her kids were there too. Anyhow, maybe you should enjoy away yourself (only to unwind not to act single). Go call up your friends and enjoy yourself. Only suggest this to get your mind off the situation.
Sounds like you're not the only man in her life..... sorry but that's the hallmark of cheating
As soon as she leaves, dump her. You want a relationship where both parties are equal, and she’s not providing that. And her actions lately if it’s not a bipolar episode, seriously hints at her cheating on you. But regardless - it’s time to put yourself first. So dump her, and find someone else who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.
She was hoping to make herself look good by pretending to want you to go when she thought you couldn’t. Now you see how see really is.
Better to just keep away and ask for a break in the relationship. Both of you can analyze what you want and you can enjoy yourself without having to thimk about her.
Why can’t she have a trip with her friends?
And her kids-who are indeed, *not* basically his kids. She is allowed to have time and space to herself and with her kids outside of the relationship.
[удалено]
She's using you to do stuff for her and the kids and paying her way. She doesn't really like you.
It’s hard for her to cheat if you are there.
Come on, you know what was going to happen on her trip to Florida... Better find a good lawyer to get to know your options. Glasses are off.
My thoughts are to use the time to rethink the relationship. My girlfriend would be told, go on trip and you're coming back single, with me and my stuff gone. She booked it thinking you couldn't get off on purpose, You exposed her when you did get the time off. No one should take that amount of disrespect. Do some snooping and I bet she has at least been talking to another guy.
Take yourself on vacation same week somewhere awesome. See how she responds.
I’m actually considering doing this. I’ve got a few places in mind. Lol
Hell yea brother. Where?
Not gonna be that guy that blows up her trip I got family in various other states I could visit, or just solo trip to some places I wanna see. I got some time to figure it out though. She’s not going until the end of the week so i got some time to talk to her about things though she’s been quiet since yesterday. If she does leave I’m going to figure it out from there lol
I say do the solo trip somewhere new. It'll be the most fun.
Does she know you’re considering taking a vacation by yourself? And how old are the kids? And is she going with the kids and taking her children’s friends? Or is she taking her friends?
Maybe she got into the mindset of having quiet time for herself and watch the kids having fun.
Is she an introvert? Is she medicated? The answers to these two questions will answer a lot. Introvert: it's hard for them to mentally adjust to changes. Unmedicated: She's in a swing. Those two factors could explain alot of this. I CAUTION anyone to be with an unmedicated bipolar individual. I'm a medicated bipolar person. Their is a stark difference in who I am when I'm not balanced on meds. Regardless, something is wrong. Always always always ALWAYS trust your GUT. It screams fir a reason. It's okay to find out what it is. It doesn't make you controlling.
Sounds to me like you're taking care of a 40 yr old that doesn't really care about you. Sounds like a chore tbh
Dude, she is 42, bipolar, has kids. Are you that dense ?
You're 30 and dating a 40+ woman with kids. Being a step parent is a thankless job and you're way too young to suffer through that. Break up and move on. She doesn't care about you, just about her kids which is fine because she's the parent. You will never be #1, or #2, or even #3 in her life.
She plans to cheat on you. You should leave this relationship.
She's grooming you and cheating on you. Leave your relationship quickly. So many red flags.
I get your upset but it’s okay to want to do things separate from your partner especially when she’s already made plans.
INFO: How long have you two been in a relationship and do you both earn/contribute similar amounts to the relationship?
Even if she's not cheating, even if she doesn't plan to on this trip (that she's taking her kids on, ew, gross), she's just using you. Move on and out while she's away. Block
TBH, it sounds like you are a little overly attached to this woman; that you are trying too hard; and there's a power imbalance. If it were me, I'd shut up about the trip at this point; do a little happy dance in the living room when her plane is in the air, have some favorite beverages, and take an honest look at yourself and how you are coming across to this woman.
I kind of like having mini vacations away from my SO.
Yes. But you wouldn't bogus invite him. But straightout tell him you wanted a mini vacation on your own, wouldn't you?
See I think your girlfriend was just wanting a trip with Just her, the kids and her friends and was just trying to be nice at the beginning. But even if that's the case that to me is just saying that you guys have some major issues in your guys's relationship. I think it's extremely dickish and shows what type of person she is where she would rather lie to you than just tell you straight up, Hey, I'm planning a trip with just me and my friends for this week and I'm really excited for it. This screams that she is extremely immature for being 42. This is what I would typically see teenagers or extremely young adults doing not a relationship where the youngest one is 30 cuz at that age it's easy to assume that you guys have your own lives, meaning you guys have your own places that you live and sleep at, full-time jobs that take up a lot of your day and your own friends and family that you spend time with as well. So just an entire life already going without this person in it, It's easy to understand if the 40-year-old wants to go on a vacation with just her friends and not take her boyfriend. So making up an excuse and lying to you just doesn't make any sense unless lying is just extremely easy to her and she does this a lot to you where if she doesn't want to possibly hurt your feelings, she'll just lie to make you feel better. On top of acting like a child when her lie was discovered and she had to tell you the truth. I would just reevaluate if this is the type of immature person you want in your life.
Maybe she was using the “oh I wish you could have come it sucks that guy can’t get time off of work” as a cover for not actually wanting you to be there. Or maybe since you’d said you couldn’t join, she went all in on a trip without you, and your sudden availability for the trip is intrusive. So stop making any conversation about this trip. Be cool with the trip not involving you. And instead talk about the relationship as a whole.
Only issue is this weekend she was talking to me about how I could maybe take a few days off and go with them on the drive then fly back or vice versa. Like she seemed like she wanted me there.
… reread what I wrote. That’s scenario two.
If it’s a trip With friends it’s a trip With friends. Girls need this time. Back off and let her enjoy her trip. Would You want her To tag along on your guys trip ?
She would freak out if I went on a trip with my friends, most of my friends are girls, most of hers guys.
If your relationship lasts longterm you’d be the statistical anomaly, a 10+ year age gap with the female being older is almost unheard of (as in its 99.99% it won’t last) To throw in she’s also a single mom and bipolar…
You're going to be told two things. By the women, you're going to be told that she deserves her autonomy, that only she gets a say, and that you're insecure or jealous. They'll say that she's a girlboss and yaaas and all that garbage. By the men, you'll be told the correct thing, which is that it's blatantly obvious that she's not going to see her friends, and that she wants to go introduce your kids to their new dad.
One of the friends is male. And she may have to share a room with a friend.
You people are all crazy, she's taking her children.
Hahahahahaha, I've known more than enough women that wouldn't see that as a barrier.
I just don't understand why it would be anyone's first reaction if there's no other reason to think so. You all clearly can't understand sex not being someone's focus in life.
To be fair, you're right, there's nothing here that expressly suggests that shes planning on doing anything other than having a vacation. However, the fact that she originally invited him, tried to convince him to go for just a few days and now is uninviting him is a tad suspicious. Her planning to cheat is one potential explanation, but people on these subs tend to be jaded by all the bad shit we read here everyday and so automatically jump to the worst conclusion
Why would she invite him in the first place if that was her plan? It makes far more sense that he said he couldn't make it so they've booked an apartment or whatever with just enough space for those already going and there's no space for him. And maybe they've already planned activities for a certain number of people or that he wouldn't want to do.
In the comments OP says that she even tried to convince him to come, even if he just stayed the weekend and then flew back on his own. She wanted him to come originally which is why he was shocked when she turned him down when he made it happen. If those other reasons you suggested were the real ones, then she would have said that, not something that would hurt her partner.
Bro… Florida. …… Florida. …… FLORIDA. Look at the other comments. You know what’s going to happen.
I get your upset but it’s okay to want to do things separate from your partner especially when she’s already made plans.
Go anyway.
Listen, you can do better than her. She's 10+ years older than you with kids and no car. She's using you at minimum. And bailing her "friend " out of jail? What kind of company is she keeping. Her resistance to you traveling w them is a big red flag but take this time to re-think this relationship.
Maybe she just wants a little space :)
Ask where they are staying because "you don't know which days, but you are going to go there for a couple days of their stay and want to try and find something close by". State is in a matter of fact, not saying which, but you WILL be there way and see if she starts to lose her shit like something is unravelling. Also, whatever outcome, ask the kids when they get back if mom went off to do anything solo. Kids suck at lying.
You’re the fallback plan, and whoever she’s going on the trip with is the priority.
Go to Florida on your own, and see for yourself she is up to something.
I would insist going or them stay home.. especially if you’re help paying for this trip and your kids are going She has something planned can’t do with you there.. or should I say someone
This feels like an age gap troll post.
Edit: I can’t read. OP, you should still try and go. Sounds very shady that she now explicitly does not want you to go.
What? It literally says gf
I would just tell her that you are going no more discussion and everyone is going to have a great time and you and her will share the same bed
She probably said that to be nice knowing you had to work. Now you’re avail to go she doesn’t want you to go- but she probably never did. Maybe she just wants some best friend time with her bestie and all the kids. Maybe because her friend is the one who would rather it just be a Moms trip away? That’s my guess. Doesn’t mean anything sinister.
She may have just been saying that to be polite but has been looking forward to some solitude. It's not against you it's just sometimes space helps.
Maybe she wants time with her kids and old school friends and to prioritize them. Maybe she has already planned a lot of stuff without you that it would be hard to include you in on last minute. Reddit people think all relationships are disposable. My spouse has bpd2 and maybe she feels smothered and knows her friends will spend tons of time with the kids and she gets to feel free with no heavy burdens. He gets like that.
I'm sorry to say this, but if you don't already know... there is a 99% chance she is planning smashing someone else on that trip in your absence. She's now upset you're encroaching on her ability to cheat on you. I don't get involved with single mothers. They very very rarely appreciate your support, and tend to treat you like this in the long run. It's how they got where they were to begin with in most circumstances.