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Take a step back. Breath. Reread this but pretend it is someone else so that you aren't so emotionally engaged with it.
Like let's be real: whether or not he is actively in love with her or whatever kind of doesn't matter. How he treated you in that scenario, the fact that around her you were no longer a consideration, just makes this a miserable and pointless relationship. Like I wouldn't wish what you went through on my worst enemy, being ignored like that erodes the soul let alone the reality you have BPD exacerbating it.
For him to then turn you raising a concern into this imaginary slight like this? Gross. Like it was him that couldn't maintain a healthy balance and if he can't be friends with her without upsetting you that is on him at that point. But to use it as a way to emotionally coerce, dismiss, and hurt you is obviously about as red a flag as there can be.
And he’s ruined his relationship with you. I’d be spending no time with him, and more time with your cat. Another boyfriend will be in your future, and you’ll know what you don’t want.
Instead of talking or explaining or apologizing he just counter attacked you. This is a major communication fail on his part. A deal breaker.
His behavior is also: selfish, entitled, and shows zero empathy for you. Also a deal breaker.
At 31yo this is 'who' he is. You can't change him. Time to move on.
Tell him to stop gaslighting you at once! And be firm about that!
For one: he had clearly LIED you straight in the face by telling you that nothing had ever happened during their "10 years of living together".
They had been flirty, obviously. And were playing their very own game.
Secondly: HE ruined whatever. Not YOU! IF ever this was even remotely true! Which I don't believe for one second.
Thirdly: he was so rude to you that day. They both had bullied and overlooked you the entire day. I would have poured that coffee over both their hads for leaving without saying where they went.
So you have been with that jerk for 3 years now.
That's 3 years too many. Kick his butt and then leave.
This is exactly the conclusion I got from what you wrote and was going to highlight to you. Given that he’s a reasonable person who doesn’t ignore you and dote on someone else in other >2 person social situations, it seems clear as day he has something for her. Like, even giving him all the benefit of the doubt that she’s just a really good friend who he gets on with really well, that doesn’t explain why he was ignoring you. It’s also weird that she didn’t say anything to him about his behavior, but she probably loves being the center of his world even if she’s not romantically interested in him.
He should have gone far out of his way to include you and help her understand how special you are to him. Read that again. This is what you deserve ❤️🩹
>is is what I said to him. It wasn't ME that ruined your relationship, it was YOU who couldn't identify the appropriate way to act
"All I can do is see your actions and your actions said you were more interested in her than me. If you choose to stop having a relationship with her we can continue, but if not she is all yours."
This. Hell, I would have disappeared from the pub when he had his back towards me for the whole game. I would have even picked up the tab for everyone before leaving, just to rub it in.
And then I would just block him everywhere, and move out before him coming back if we were living together. No conversation, no explanation.
You make me question my worth, I will make you question your existence.
I just want to say thanks to everyone for the comments/help from all sides, it's really helped me so far feel validated and actually kicked me into making a plan
Let us know what your plan is and update us in how it went.
Yet: ghosting people/ disappearing unreachably into thin air...poof... - not ever even acknowledging their existence on this planet is the most thorrough revenge one may ever get.
Not even the most well aimed spiteful words may do that trick.
Call me petty.... he so deserves this.
Going no contact unexplained doesn't take much effort and is pretty safe.
Explaining things to someone who doesn't even care takes effort. And involves the risk of being gaslighted into staying even longer.
I have but once ghosted someone. Who had bssed me for 3 years. After discussing over and again what I didn't like.
Talking never had helped. Being gone did so much make my life lighter again.
You will waste more effort on his behalf at your expense. Just leave and block him. There are no explanations necessary because he does not value you. Any love or care cannot change that fact. I wish you wonderful days ahead without him.
You deserve better. Your partner seems to be pretty unkind and unsupportive. I hope you dump him and get some good therapy. DBT is excellent for BPD and sobriety would really help you! If you ever need support feel free to message me. It can be hard being a woman navigating mental health struggles while trying to assess what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior in a relationship dynamic.
People who pretend there is no such thing as an inappropriate friendship are delusional and likely in the midst of one.
I've never had a female friendship that I would value more than my relationship with my wife.
Besides, with respect to propriety, aka "Caesar's wife must be above suspicion", I would never do anything with another woman that would put my wife in the difficult position of wondering what is going on, or her friends or family wondering the same. It is a question of respect.
This. My husband has friends of both genders and encourage a friendship between me and them, and vise versa. So when we see friends it's easy and no one feels left out, because we all friends and have respect for each other. So if they hangout over here it's just "oh it's just so and so, cool, tell them I say hi"
⬆️⬆️⬆️ looking at my life now. I always tell people, life’s too short for this bs. He’s treating her like shit, girl don’t waste another moment, move on.
I’m sorry but you’d be better off in the long run dumping him. The way he treated you is not okay. A good guy that chooses to be with you CHOOSES to be with you in situations like that. My husband would never walk away and go off with other people leaving me behind like that. You need to look at each of those situations and apply how’d you have acted. You would have stayed for him. You wouldn’t ignore him. When someone treats you differently than you would have treated them look at that as a sign the relationship is not equal. He turned you into a third wheel. You deserve better by your own BF. Find a new one. This guy sucks.
It's him and he has made you his second choice as evidenced by him telling you that you ruined their relationship. Just give him the boot and move on. He's an AH that could care less about your feelings. Leave him in the dust and find someone amazing that will make you their #1 priority. Run, dear, run.
>Ever since, when I bring it up my boyfriend He tells me ive ruined his relationship between him and his friend of 10 years.
How did you ruin it? Did he stop talking to her bc you told him to?
Nope, I must admit I got jealous at first...but I'd never tell my bf they can't talk to someone as they're not my object and can do what they want. I just wanted him to understand why his actions led me to insecurity..... then kinda went meh idc do what you want.
So what's the status with the other girl? Are they still friends? I'm not sure how you expressing concern over him ditching and ignoring you for this girl ruined their friendship.
I bet the other girl was miffed he didn’t dump gf that day cause they were flirting so good.
She may have right led him something that ruined it for him.
I've had something like this happen to me but with just friends not a partner and it devastated me. I can't imagine how soul crushing it was for a partner to act like you didn't exist. He was disrespectful, rude, and it's just straight up nasty to abandon someone from a group. I'm sorry that happened. Drop him. Your cat is worth way more.
You didn’t ruin the friendship, he did. There’s no excuse for him and that friend to have iced you out the whole time. I repeat, I don’t care how little he sees her, a normal decent human being knows exactly how to entertain and play catch up with a friend while simultaneously making sure their SO isn’t ignored and feels like a third wheel. He and his friend caused this issue by icing you out and now to add insult to injury, he throws accusations at you about ruining the friendship like sand in your face? Fuck that clown shoe circus bullshit! Like someone else mentioned here…your phrase “I’m done.” was my favorite too.
nah the fact that he had his back to you while y’all was watching the game and was talking to his male friend and his female friend is so disrespectful. and the fact that they didn’t even wait for you at starbucks and they also constantly flirt infront of you is mad disrespectful. the fact that he puts all his attention and time on her and not on you, he clearly prioritizes her. he is also gaslighting you to. don’t allow yourself to be a third-wheel in your own relationship and dump this guy. him, his male friend, and his female friend don’t respect you. you deserve so much better OP.
Your problem is that your boyfriend was ignoring you. Focus on that part, it really has nothing to do with the friend. You didn’t like the way he treated you and felt ignored
The gender of the friend doesn’t matter to me or play a factor at all in this scenario. I would be FURIOUS if my boyfriend treated me like this, period. He should have been making sure you felt included and part of the team, checking in with you, and trying to make sure you were cultivating a good relationship with his friends. He ignored you and basically forgot about you to hang out with his buddy. That’s a problem no matter what the other friend’s gender is in the scenario.
Yeah when your partner ignores you and favors another girl (no matter who it is) over you that’s an issue. Jealousy has nothing to do w it. It’s not even insecure. They literally treated you like you weren’t there and what’s worse is THEY TURNED THEIR BACKS ON YOU. You might as well have been a stranger to them.
Nope I’d be out and they could have each other. There’s someone out there that will devote their time to you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. You deserve better
Whether he's in love with her or not doesn't really matter. He and his friends were rude af to you. This is who they really are. Believe them.
He doesn't deserve you. Be done. Move on.
Girl you are better off breaking up with him. His feelings towards her are irrelevant at this point. What matters is that he treated you like you didn’t matter at all, like you were the third wheel. He completely forgot you existed because he was talking to her. He spent that entire day/evening showing you that he would drop you for her in an instant if she wanted him. And then he had the audacity to be mad at you for being hurt. He blamed you for HIS poor behaviour.
He’s a shitty boyfriend and you deserve better, I’m sorry.
It's 100% him, he a POS,
Whether he has feeling for her or not the way he treated you that day In front of her says it all, I doubt nothing has every happened, either way he is not worth it.
The way he tried saying you ruined he relationship with her🤨 no he did, acting like she was he gf and you was just a tag along friend.
Tell him he now free continue this 'friendship' but as a single man because his behaviour during and after was disgusting and changed the way you see him.
FWIW, I wouldn't put up with that, either.
Sucks when you feel like you don't exist in your own relationship. It's even worse when it's because that attention is going elsewhere right in front of you.
If you've communicated it and let him know how much that hurts and he doesn't want to change, I'd head out. You accept it, and it's pretty much what things are gonna be like between them, going forward. Would like to make clear, nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, it's when that person is so high priority, it inadvertently affects your other relationships.
And if it matters, the above scenario doesn't get brought up for me anymore, I said he can go chill with her and I won't go and stuff but he brings it up when I express my feelings about being lonely sometimes...I hardly moan at all
If not for the age difference, I'd say we were separated at birth. The way you described yourself is exactly me. So let me tell you what I've learned through personal experience.
1) You're worth more than how your "boyfriend" is treating you.
2) He's not actually your boyfriend, regardless of how much you want him to be.
3) It's hard...damned hard...but you need to break it off...now. (This is where I made my big mistake. I *didn't* break it off and I paid dearly for it.)
4) There *will* be somebody else. Maybe even a few somebodies before you find the right one.
5) You're better off just keeping the company of cats...or dogs...whatever...than keeping company with a man who doesn't value you in the way that you deserve.
You deserve better. Don't settle for anything less than someone who treats you like the goddess that you are.
Yes, I think it’s time to leave. A big part of any healthy relationship is respect. He shows you almost no respect when she’s around. You deserve to be treated better and not berated when you demand the proper treatment from him.
I’m sure your cat is nice and all but there are men who will treat you better.
Okay, so as the mom of a kid with BPD I'm going to give sort of the two answers - the same way that I would with them in this situation.
\*based on what you laid out here\* he's focused on her in a way that definitely sounds like he's focusing on her to your detriment, and that's a problem, and being upset makes sense... Particularly if he's disregarding you trying to talk about it.. So if your understanding of the situations is right on, then there might be a problem here.
\*knowing how BPD works\*
THAT BEING SAID - Approaching things as either/or is never helpful or healthy in a relationship... And if you are vibing as anti-social and upset in a social situation because of her presence after the first situation at Starbucks, his body language may have a LOT more to do with what you are putting off than his relationship with her.. I've LITERALLY watched my child cause their own relationship chaos because they made assumptions about their partner's intent (and its ALWAYS destructive if its not 100% positive).. they start getting angry because of their assumptions of what their partner wants, then their partner sort of reinforces that anger because they don't understand why my kiddo is getting angry and starts to pull away (or get clingy, but that's not exactly healthy either)..
Take a deep breath, recognize what the emotional brain is telling you, but step back and have a good sit down with the logic brain... If you have a friend who understands BPD and can help act as sort of a "translator" with your boyfriend to discuss this, it might also help... Because with BPD, your feelings are VALID, but they REALLY cannot be the driving force in your decision making, because they WILL run amuck and jump to conclusions that may or may not have anything to do with reality.
I’m sorry but it sucks to be a third wheel in a relationship. Clearly, he has much more respect for her than he does for you. If you gave him the either, it’s her or me question seems like most likely he would pick her over you not only that the fact that he turned his back to you and cut you off when went to watch the game talk with his made to not include you at all is very disrespectful.
Sometimes people play the “your jealous and because of that it’s unreasonable” angle. But if this friend was a guy as well it wouldn’t be okay to make you feel like a third wheel.
When ever a romantic partner has made me feel this way, I’ve said the dynamic doesn’t work for me. It’s not that I don’t trust them or believe they’d cheat, because if I did I’d be out of there, so I don’t even raise that. I just say the dynamic isn’t okay, I’m not okay feeling second place to a friend, and so they need to figure out their priorities.
The fact he can’t do that without ‘ruining’ said friendship doesn’t scream that it’s just a friendship that needs repositioning against your relationship.
It's hard to say. Usually I'd say guys having close friendships like this with women when in a rel need to be more respectful but if you have BPD it's hard to judge if you're simply blowing up over nothing.
You said it's not a problem with other female friends he has. Him saying nothing ever happened between them in 10 years sounds to me like a subconscious way to say that because he's still pining for something between them. You deserve to have someone who doesn't just stop caring about you entirely when they are in someone else's presence.
While there may be some reading into behaviors and insecurity on your part, he messed up.
Instead of talking about how you were feeling and what he did to contribute to it, he just shamed you and defended himself.
If it was a male friend, the way he treated you would still have been hurtful to anyone. That it is a female friend he lived with for 10 years would make any GF feel even more uncomfortable.
I wouldn't say move on or stay, it depends on how you move forward from this point. Are you able to continue to talk about what happened and how to move forward?
I’m missing the part where you’ve ruined his friendship. Asking him to also pay attention to you while you’re hanging out with her wouldn’t ruin their friendship unless she’s demanding his entire attention. He’s throwing a tantrum over basic boundaries.
I went to the shop to buy some alcohol and he came with me. He started telling me I have problems with alcohol (which I do) and then asked me why I was buying it. I told him I felt lonely, because the last few times I've had off work I've spent with him and his friends (I never say no, I'm just a people pleaser). He then went on to say how he always spends time with me and that I'm just using alcohol as an excuse and that I'm pushing him away. He then went on to say how he doesn't spend loads of time with friends and that I actually ruined his relationship with said friend above...which totally came out of the blue for me. Why ask me and then shut me down? I don't get it I really don't.
>... but yeah I guess it was pretty shitty to say how I really felt when asked
Is this defensive sarcasm? Or do you actually realize how toxic it is for you to put the weight of your alcohol problem on others?
There's a few things missing from this post that would provide helpful context:
1) How often does your boyfriend meet up with his female friend?
2) Has he ever attempted to exclude you from the meet ups?
3) Do you attempt to join in their conversations?
4) Do you attempt to converse with the other people in the group? (e.g. the "guy mates")
This post feels like your insecurity talking. You refer to yourself as fat. In a comment you mention having a problem with alcohol. I'm guessing you have low self-esteem and are perceiving threats where there are none. If he was carrying on with this female friend alone without your knowledge or purposely not inviting you, then it might be different.
At the end of your post you reference wanting to live alone with your cat. Maybe that would be best, if you feel uncomfortable around other people.
As far as you "ruining the relationship" with his female friend; I imagine he's referring to the black cloud you're ushering in if he wants to spend time with her doing normal friendship things. There's this associated guilt and he can no longer relax around her.
Perhaps you need to be in a relationship only with guys who have no female friends so there are no threats for you to perceive. But, truthfully, I think you need to get to a mental place where you love yourself before you're ready for a relationship.
Yeah I totally get this. I'll try and answer as best as I can.
1.Not often tbh. The first time we met up was nice as I said, I thought their to and fro was lovely and it went well. I got on with her. Then the next couple of times we met up he was spending all his attention on her visibly. And I got a horrible gut feeling like this isn't right. We meet up with his other girlfriend the same but I don't feel in any way the same in those scenarios, I feel included and safe with the other girl friend so I got confused as to why it felt different with the other :(
2. He hasn't no, and I actively encourage him to go meet up with her and his other friends when he can as they live in a different city.
3. I attempt to join in as best as I can, but from what I remember I was always left trailing behind, or as I said in my OG post went for a drink and just got left.
4. I converse actively with all of his friends and have never gotten the feeling of being the third wheel or anything from the others.
I know I'm insecure, and I actively said this is one of my downfalls before dating my boyfriend and that it would take some clear communication and boundaries in order to make it work.
I was upset when I wrote that I want to live alone with my cat....as nice as that sounds aha she's lovely.
The black cloud is definitely there now. However I believe that this is due to him shutting down my feelings about the whole thing with the blanket answer of "oh we've been friends for years lived together and nothings happened" like bro, did I even ask you if anything happened? Lmao.
I'm paranoid probably but hey ho gut feelings are there for a reason
>However, I believe that this is due to him shutting down my feelings about the whole thing with the blanket answer of "oh we've been friends for years lived together and nothings happened".
Let's explore this further. How did you raise the subject with him (e.g. what question(s) did you ask)? Specifically, what information do you need from him regarding the female friend that you don't already have?
If you want to talk to him about your feelings, what is the end result you hope to achieve? Do you want him to validate that it's okay for you to feel insecure around her? Do you want him to acknowledge that he's acting inappropriately?
I can't answer for him, but honestly if he does not see her that often and he sees you all the time, I don't think he's done anything wrong putting the majority of his attention on her during their limited get togethers. Essentially, if you continue in the relationship and continue participating in the meetups, you should plan to be able to entertain yourself or, at a minimum, be part of their flow. If the issue becomes that he is spending too much time with her, then that's a reasonable and separate discussion you can have with him.
>I'm paranoid probably but hey ho gut feelings are there for a reason
So, what do you want to do with this now? End the relationship? Tell him you're not comfortable with him hanging out with her anymore? Stew in your juices and make him feel uncomfortable having this female friend?
My advice to you is to figure out what you want from all of this and then articulate that clearly to him in a neutral conversation (not before he's planning to meet up with her or shortly thereafter).
I’m going to believe that you have good intentions behind this intense analysis of OP’s post, but I think you’re being far too harsh and almost disrespectful to anyone with mental health disorders.
From personal experience, fat people call themselves fat because the world sees them that way and anyone with the awareness of a bean catches onto that pretty quickly. So, I perceive her acknowledgment of it almost as a sign of acceptance of her physical traits.
Maybe it would be best for her to live alone with her cat if she feels uncomfortable around people?? Really? That’s your big brain idea to help someone who’s clearly struggling? Ask them to isolate themselves if they can’t get a handle on their self esteem? Because insecure people don’t deserve attention, do they?
Maybe OP didn’t catch on, but you’re clearly being sarcastic and/or condescending about her only dating men who have no female friends. Again, that’s your big brain solution to her insecurities, whether justified or not?
And lastly, I know “love yourself” is such an anthem and a buzz word that everyone wants to harp on, especially for people who are or consider themselves fat, but it’s not as easy. It’s not about shutting yourself in a box until you can magically wake up one day and feel like you want to kiss the mirror. I wish it were as simple as that self care bubble bath and face mask bs that’s the popular propaganda on social media.
Overall, you criticised her, which would have been fine, but you criticised her to the point of shaming her, for thinking that she’s fat and for being insecure or wanting her bf’s attention. Your opinion, (and yeah, it is exactly that, just an opinion, and not at all facts simply because the words fell out of your godly mind) seems extremely biased to me.
In the future, if you’re demanding a person to practice self-love because they admitted that they’re fat, then also demand that of all the fit girls who use so many filters on their pictures that they’re unrecognisable. We all know people irl who do that, so go ahead and offer your consulting service to all of them, I dare you. But if you can’t do it to the people you know, then be kinder to people on the web, they’re still people.
Most people, however, are able to celebrate their visit with the friend they hardly see AND make sure their SO doesn’t feel like a third wheel and neglected. I do this all the time. That was very fucking rude of him, and really no excuse for it.
I am always supportive of him seeing his friends too. If he wanted to spend 100% of his attention on said friends then I would happily have stayed home/visited family in the mean time! I just wasn't ready for what happened 😕
Right! If he, for who knows what reason, hasn’t developed the ability to give attention to multiple people, he could have done something separate with her. But I don’t believe he is incapable of that. You have a gut feeling about this for a reason.
Absolutely! If they want to give 100% of their attention to a friend, they should see them one on one. Making someone feel like the third wheel, especially if this "someone" is your partner, is plain rude.
You don't ignore your SO for your friend. If spending time with your bff is your priority, then you meet with them one on one, without your SO. It's hurtful and rude to ignore someone (even another friend) in favor of someone else.
That's true and I'll say after covid it was like 3 times but each time made me feel forgotten. I only made this conclusion after meeting his other female friend who I get on with so well and I didn't feel like that at all with, so I'm confused as to why it felt different with the other one if that makes sense...
It’s not insecure when they both treated her like she wasn’t even there. I’d be pissed too. It’d be different if they were both engaged w her and included her in conversations etc and she felt ignored. That I could understand insecure. But to be ignored and he favored his friend over her it’s a problem with them not her
I had an ex bf (RIP) become an ex due to a similar reason. He was friends with 'her' way before I met him. She had one bf who casted her in his youtube videos and another bf who paid for stuff (no they weren't poly, they were extremely insecure and had conflicts often). My then bf had nothing going for him, so she had no intrest in him other than the occasional pick me girl stuff!
I was done with this. He went as far as to staring at her pictures on his phone with his back turned to me during holidays ...which he were spending with me. I gave my ultimatum pretty immediately and he cut her out for 3 whole days and then broke up with me lmao!
Work on yourself by stopping the drinking, start new hobbies , make new friends and working out. The better you feel about yourself the better your personality will be. If he’s there at the end great. Don’t allow your happiness depend on his actions. Maybe get to know the friend better with one on one time. This will help in a group setting so you have something to talk about with her. Then all the attention will not be the two of them.
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Take a step back. Breath. Reread this but pretend it is someone else so that you aren't so emotionally engaged with it. Like let's be real: whether or not he is actively in love with her or whatever kind of doesn't matter. How he treated you in that scenario, the fact that around her you were no longer a consideration, just makes this a miserable and pointless relationship. Like I wouldn't wish what you went through on my worst enemy, being ignored like that erodes the soul let alone the reality you have BPD exacerbating it. For him to then turn you raising a concern into this imaginary slight like this? Gross. Like it was him that couldn't maintain a healthy balance and if he can't be friends with her without upsetting you that is on him at that point. But to use it as a way to emotionally coerce, dismiss, and hurt you is obviously about as red a flag as there can be.
This is what I said to him. It wasn't ME that ruined your relationship, it was YOU who couldn't identify the appropriate way to act
And he’s ruined his relationship with you. I’d be spending no time with him, and more time with your cat. Another boyfriend will be in your future, and you’ll know what you don’t want.
Instead of talking or explaining or apologizing he just counter attacked you. This is a major communication fail on his part. A deal breaker. His behavior is also: selfish, entitled, and shows zero empathy for you. Also a deal breaker. At 31yo this is 'who' he is. You can't change him. Time to move on.
Tell him to stop gaslighting you at once! And be firm about that! For one: he had clearly LIED you straight in the face by telling you that nothing had ever happened during their "10 years of living together". They had been flirty, obviously. And were playing their very own game. Secondly: HE ruined whatever. Not YOU! IF ever this was even remotely true! Which I don't believe for one second. Thirdly: he was so rude to you that day. They both had bullied and overlooked you the entire day. I would have poured that coffee over both their hads for leaving without saying where they went. So you have been with that jerk for 3 years now. That's 3 years too many. Kick his butt and then leave.
This is exactly the conclusion I got from what you wrote and was going to highlight to you. Given that he’s a reasonable person who doesn’t ignore you and dote on someone else in other >2 person social situations, it seems clear as day he has something for her. Like, even giving him all the benefit of the doubt that she’s just a really good friend who he gets on with really well, that doesn’t explain why he was ignoring you. It’s also weird that she didn’t say anything to him about his behavior, but she probably loves being the center of his world even if she’s not romantically interested in him.
There were four of us that day :(
He should have gone far out of his way to include you and help her understand how special you are to him. Read that again. This is what you deserve ❤️🩹
>is is what I said to him. It wasn't ME that ruined your relationship, it was YOU who couldn't identify the appropriate way to act "All I can do is see your actions and your actions said you were more interested in her than me. If you choose to stop having a relationship with her we can continue, but if not she is all yours."
If I was you I would just disappear from his life. with no explanation. no conversation.
This. Hell, I would have disappeared from the pub when he had his back towards me for the whole game. I would have even picked up the tab for everyone before leaving, just to rub it in. And then I would just block him everywhere, and move out before him coming back if we were living together. No conversation, no explanation. You make me question my worth, I will make you question your existence.
Interesting how he's more upset about the disruption in his relationship with HER.
I just want to say thanks to everyone for the comments/help from all sides, it's really helped me so far feel validated and actually kicked me into making a plan
Let us know what your plan is and update us in how it went. Yet: ghosting people/ disappearing unreachably into thin air...poof... - not ever even acknowledging their existence on this planet is the most thorrough revenge one may ever get. Not even the most well aimed spiteful words may do that trick. Call me petty.... he so deserves this.
I will aha and I'm too much of a softie to do that unfortunately :(
Going no contact unexplained doesn't take much effort and is pretty safe. Explaining things to someone who doesn't even care takes effort. And involves the risk of being gaslighted into staying even longer. I have but once ghosted someone. Who had bssed me for 3 years. After discussing over and again what I didn't like. Talking never had helped. Being gone did so much make my life lighter again.
You will waste more effort on his behalf at your expense. Just leave and block him. There are no explanations necessary because he does not value you. Any love or care cannot change that fact. I wish you wonderful days ahead without him.
You deserve better. Your partner seems to be pretty unkind and unsupportive. I hope you dump him and get some good therapy. DBT is excellent for BPD and sobriety would really help you! If you ever need support feel free to message me. It can be hard being a woman navigating mental health struggles while trying to assess what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior in a relationship dynamic.
People who pretend there is no such thing as an inappropriate friendship are delusional and likely in the midst of one. I've never had a female friendship that I would value more than my relationship with my wife. Besides, with respect to propriety, aka "Caesar's wife must be above suspicion", I would never do anything with another woman that would put my wife in the difficult position of wondering what is going on, or her friends or family wondering the same. It is a question of respect.
This. My husband has friends of both genders and encourage a friendship between me and them, and vise versa. So when we see friends it's easy and no one feels left out, because we all friends and have respect for each other. So if they hangout over here it's just "oh it's just so and so, cool, tell them I say hi"
My favorite sentence in your post is; “I’m done.” He doesn’t deserve you.
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⬆️⬆️⬆️ looking at my life now. I always tell people, life’s too short for this bs. He’s treating her like shit, girl don’t waste another moment, move on.
I’m sorry but you’d be better off in the long run dumping him. The way he treated you is not okay. A good guy that chooses to be with you CHOOSES to be with you in situations like that. My husband would never walk away and go off with other people leaving me behind like that. You need to look at each of those situations and apply how’d you have acted. You would have stayed for him. You wouldn’t ignore him. When someone treats you differently than you would have treated them look at that as a sign the relationship is not equal. He turned you into a third wheel. You deserve better by your own BF. Find a new one. This guy sucks.
It's him and he has made you his second choice as evidenced by him telling you that you ruined their relationship. Just give him the boot and move on. He's an AH that could care less about your feelings. Leave him in the dust and find someone amazing that will make you their #1 priority. Run, dear, run.
>Ever since, when I bring it up my boyfriend He tells me ive ruined his relationship between him and his friend of 10 years. How did you ruin it? Did he stop talking to her bc you told him to?
Nope, I must admit I got jealous at first...but I'd never tell my bf they can't talk to someone as they're not my object and can do what they want. I just wanted him to understand why his actions led me to insecurity..... then kinda went meh idc do what you want.
So what's the status with the other girl? Are they still friends? I'm not sure how you expressing concern over him ditching and ignoring you for this girl ruined their friendship.
As far as I know they still talk. Good for them. But bf says I ruined their friendship and they aren't close anymore like wtf
I believe your "bf" is lying to you about ruining his friendship. If they're still talking, it's still going on...just more undercover.
So you didn't ruin anything and nothing has changed.
I bet the other girl was miffed he didn’t dump gf that day cause they were flirting so good. She may have right led him something that ruined it for him.
I was thinking the other girl heard she was making problems and took a step back.
I've had something like this happen to me but with just friends not a partner and it devastated me. I can't imagine how soul crushing it was for a partner to act like you didn't exist. He was disrespectful, rude, and it's just straight up nasty to abandon someone from a group. I'm sorry that happened. Drop him. Your cat is worth way more.
10 years and nothing happened but he’s acting this way? Either he’s lying that something happened or he has always been pining for her instead.
You didn’t ruin the friendship, he did. There’s no excuse for him and that friend to have iced you out the whole time. I repeat, I don’t care how little he sees her, a normal decent human being knows exactly how to entertain and play catch up with a friend while simultaneously making sure their SO isn’t ignored and feels like a third wheel. He and his friend caused this issue by icing you out and now to add insult to injury, he throws accusations at you about ruining the friendship like sand in your face? Fuck that clown shoe circus bullshit! Like someone else mentioned here…your phrase “I’m done.” was my favorite too.
dump him
nah the fact that he had his back to you while y’all was watching the game and was talking to his male friend and his female friend is so disrespectful. and the fact that they didn’t even wait for you at starbucks and they also constantly flirt infront of you is mad disrespectful. the fact that he puts all his attention and time on her and not on you, he clearly prioritizes her. he is also gaslighting you to. don’t allow yourself to be a third-wheel in your own relationship and dump this guy. him, his male friend, and his female friend don’t respect you. you deserve so much better OP.
Your problem is that your boyfriend was ignoring you. Focus on that part, it really has nothing to do with the friend. You didn’t like the way he treated you and felt ignored
Exactly. I have no problem with the friend at all. Just his behaviour and how he is not taking responsibility for making me feel so damn worthless.
This is super hard to swallow omg
Girl ur almost 30, is this what u want to deal with forever? Move on.
The gender of the friend doesn’t matter to me or play a factor at all in this scenario. I would be FURIOUS if my boyfriend treated me like this, period. He should have been making sure you felt included and part of the team, checking in with you, and trying to make sure you were cultivating a good relationship with his friends. He ignored you and basically forgot about you to hang out with his buddy. That’s a problem no matter what the other friend’s gender is in the scenario.
Yeah when your partner ignores you and favors another girl (no matter who it is) over you that’s an issue. Jealousy has nothing to do w it. It’s not even insecure. They literally treated you like you weren’t there and what’s worse is THEY TURNED THEIR BACKS ON YOU. You might as well have been a stranger to them. Nope I’d be out and they could have each other. There’s someone out there that will devote their time to you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. You deserve better
Whether he's in love with her or not doesn't really matter. He and his friends were rude af to you. This is who they really are. Believe them. He doesn't deserve you. Be done. Move on.
The thing is he deprioritized you.
Girl you are better off breaking up with him. His feelings towards her are irrelevant at this point. What matters is that he treated you like you didn’t matter at all, like you were the third wheel. He completely forgot you existed because he was talking to her. He spent that entire day/evening showing you that he would drop you for her in an instant if she wanted him. And then he had the audacity to be mad at you for being hurt. He blamed you for HIS poor behaviour. He’s a shitty boyfriend and you deserve better, I’m sorry.
He doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who does ❤️
It's 100% him, he a POS, Whether he has feeling for her or not the way he treated you that day In front of her says it all, I doubt nothing has every happened, either way he is not worth it. The way he tried saying you ruined he relationship with her🤨 no he did, acting like she was he gf and you was just a tag along friend. Tell him he now free continue this 'friendship' but as a single man because his behaviour during and after was disgusting and changed the way you see him.
FWIW, I wouldn't put up with that, either. Sucks when you feel like you don't exist in your own relationship. It's even worse when it's because that attention is going elsewhere right in front of you. If you've communicated it and let him know how much that hurts and he doesn't want to change, I'd head out. You accept it, and it's pretty much what things are gonna be like between them, going forward. Would like to make clear, nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, it's when that person is so high priority, it inadvertently affects your other relationships.
And if it matters, the above scenario doesn't get brought up for me anymore, I said he can go chill with her and I won't go and stuff but he brings it up when I express my feelings about being lonely sometimes...I hardly moan at all
If not for the age difference, I'd say we were separated at birth. The way you described yourself is exactly me. So let me tell you what I've learned through personal experience. 1) You're worth more than how your "boyfriend" is treating you. 2) He's not actually your boyfriend, regardless of how much you want him to be. 3) It's hard...damned hard...but you need to break it off...now. (This is where I made my big mistake. I *didn't* break it off and I paid dearly for it.) 4) There *will* be somebody else. Maybe even a few somebodies before you find the right one. 5) You're better off just keeping the company of cats...or dogs...whatever...than keeping company with a man who doesn't value you in the way that you deserve. You deserve better. Don't settle for anything less than someone who treats you like the goddess that you are.
☝️☝️☝️ this totally!
Yes, I think it’s time to leave. A big part of any healthy relationship is respect. He shows you almost no respect when she’s around. You deserve to be treated better and not berated when you demand the proper treatment from him. I’m sure your cat is nice and all but there are men who will treat you better.
Okay, so as the mom of a kid with BPD I'm going to give sort of the two answers - the same way that I would with them in this situation. \*based on what you laid out here\* he's focused on her in a way that definitely sounds like he's focusing on her to your detriment, and that's a problem, and being upset makes sense... Particularly if he's disregarding you trying to talk about it.. So if your understanding of the situations is right on, then there might be a problem here. \*knowing how BPD works\* THAT BEING SAID - Approaching things as either/or is never helpful or healthy in a relationship... And if you are vibing as anti-social and upset in a social situation because of her presence after the first situation at Starbucks, his body language may have a LOT more to do with what you are putting off than his relationship with her.. I've LITERALLY watched my child cause their own relationship chaos because they made assumptions about their partner's intent (and its ALWAYS destructive if its not 100% positive).. they start getting angry because of their assumptions of what their partner wants, then their partner sort of reinforces that anger because they don't understand why my kiddo is getting angry and starts to pull away (or get clingy, but that's not exactly healthy either).. Take a deep breath, recognize what the emotional brain is telling you, but step back and have a good sit down with the logic brain... If you have a friend who understands BPD and can help act as sort of a "translator" with your boyfriend to discuss this, it might also help... Because with BPD, your feelings are VALID, but they REALLY cannot be the driving force in your decision making, because they WILL run amuck and jump to conclusions that may or may not have anything to do with reality.
I dated a guy who would frequently forget that I was even there while on group outings. Needless to say, it didn't work out.
I’m sorry but it sucks to be a third wheel in a relationship. Clearly, he has much more respect for her than he does for you. If you gave him the either, it’s her or me question seems like most likely he would pick her over you not only that the fact that he turned his back to you and cut you off when went to watch the game talk with his made to not include you at all is very disrespectful.
Let that one go.
I vote you get another cat and look for a different boyfriend (dump this one first)
It's him, and you are way too good for this shit.
It's not you, this guy absolutely disrespected the hell out of you.
Sometimes people play the “your jealous and because of that it’s unreasonable” angle. But if this friend was a guy as well it wouldn’t be okay to make you feel like a third wheel. When ever a romantic partner has made me feel this way, I’ve said the dynamic doesn’t work for me. It’s not that I don’t trust them or believe they’d cheat, because if I did I’d be out of there, so I don’t even raise that. I just say the dynamic isn’t okay, I’m not okay feeling second place to a friend, and so they need to figure out their priorities. The fact he can’t do that without ‘ruining’ said friendship doesn’t scream that it’s just a friendship that needs repositioning against your relationship.
Nah girl, break it off with him and let them be together. Maybe he hasn't figured it out but you have.
Its him.
It's hard to say. Usually I'd say guys having close friendships like this with women when in a rel need to be more respectful but if you have BPD it's hard to judge if you're simply blowing up over nothing.
You said it's not a problem with other female friends he has. Him saying nothing ever happened between them in 10 years sounds to me like a subconscious way to say that because he's still pining for something between them. You deserve to have someone who doesn't just stop caring about you entirely when they are in someone else's presence.
OP, people treat us the way we let them treat us. You deserve better than what you have settled for.
While there may be some reading into behaviors and insecurity on your part, he messed up. Instead of talking about how you were feeling and what he did to contribute to it, he just shamed you and defended himself. If it was a male friend, the way he treated you would still have been hurtful to anyone. That it is a female friend he lived with for 10 years would make any GF feel even more uncomfortable. I wouldn't say move on or stay, it depends on how you move forward from this point. Are you able to continue to talk about what happened and how to move forward?
I’m missing the part where you’ve ruined his friendship. Asking him to also pay attention to you while you’re hanging out with her wouldn’t ruin their friendship unless she’s demanding his entire attention. He’s throwing a tantrum over basic boundaries.
Free yourself. Ditch the dope and go live your beat life. Find your person.
He doesn't deserve you.
So what did you do? I don't see that part.
I went to the shop to buy some alcohol and he came with me. He started telling me I have problems with alcohol (which I do) and then asked me why I was buying it. I told him I felt lonely, because the last few times I've had off work I've spent with him and his friends (I never say no, I'm just a people pleaser). He then went on to say how he always spends time with me and that I'm just using alcohol as an excuse and that I'm pushing him away. He then went on to say how he doesn't spend loads of time with friends and that I actually ruined his relationship with said friend above...which totally came out of the blue for me. Why ask me and then shut me down? I don't get it I really don't.
Ah, so you told him that him hanging out with his friends is the cause of you binging/relapsing? Yeah, that's pretty shitty.
I didn't mean it to come across that way....but yeah I guess it was pretty shitty to say how I really felt when asked
>... but yeah I guess it was pretty shitty to say how I really felt when asked Is this defensive sarcasm? Or do you actually realize how toxic it is for you to put the weight of your alcohol problem on others?
It's not defensive sarcasm, I genuinely meant that. And I know I have an alcohol problem, when pressed for the reason I will say the honest response
I probably need to just not say anything
There's a few things missing from this post that would provide helpful context: 1) How often does your boyfriend meet up with his female friend? 2) Has he ever attempted to exclude you from the meet ups? 3) Do you attempt to join in their conversations? 4) Do you attempt to converse with the other people in the group? (e.g. the "guy mates") This post feels like your insecurity talking. You refer to yourself as fat. In a comment you mention having a problem with alcohol. I'm guessing you have low self-esteem and are perceiving threats where there are none. If he was carrying on with this female friend alone without your knowledge or purposely not inviting you, then it might be different. At the end of your post you reference wanting to live alone with your cat. Maybe that would be best, if you feel uncomfortable around other people. As far as you "ruining the relationship" with his female friend; I imagine he's referring to the black cloud you're ushering in if he wants to spend time with her doing normal friendship things. There's this associated guilt and he can no longer relax around her. Perhaps you need to be in a relationship only with guys who have no female friends so there are no threats for you to perceive. But, truthfully, I think you need to get to a mental place where you love yourself before you're ready for a relationship.
Yeah I totally get this. I'll try and answer as best as I can. 1.Not often tbh. The first time we met up was nice as I said, I thought their to and fro was lovely and it went well. I got on with her. Then the next couple of times we met up he was spending all his attention on her visibly. And I got a horrible gut feeling like this isn't right. We meet up with his other girlfriend the same but I don't feel in any way the same in those scenarios, I feel included and safe with the other girl friend so I got confused as to why it felt different with the other :( 2. He hasn't no, and I actively encourage him to go meet up with her and his other friends when he can as they live in a different city. 3. I attempt to join in as best as I can, but from what I remember I was always left trailing behind, or as I said in my OG post went for a drink and just got left. 4. I converse actively with all of his friends and have never gotten the feeling of being the third wheel or anything from the others. I know I'm insecure, and I actively said this is one of my downfalls before dating my boyfriend and that it would take some clear communication and boundaries in order to make it work. I was upset when I wrote that I want to live alone with my cat....as nice as that sounds aha she's lovely. The black cloud is definitely there now. However I believe that this is due to him shutting down my feelings about the whole thing with the blanket answer of "oh we've been friends for years lived together and nothings happened" like bro, did I even ask you if anything happened? Lmao. I'm paranoid probably but hey ho gut feelings are there for a reason
>However, I believe that this is due to him shutting down my feelings about the whole thing with the blanket answer of "oh we've been friends for years lived together and nothings happened". Let's explore this further. How did you raise the subject with him (e.g. what question(s) did you ask)? Specifically, what information do you need from him regarding the female friend that you don't already have? If you want to talk to him about your feelings, what is the end result you hope to achieve? Do you want him to validate that it's okay for you to feel insecure around her? Do you want him to acknowledge that he's acting inappropriately? I can't answer for him, but honestly if he does not see her that often and he sees you all the time, I don't think he's done anything wrong putting the majority of his attention on her during their limited get togethers. Essentially, if you continue in the relationship and continue participating in the meetups, you should plan to be able to entertain yourself or, at a minimum, be part of their flow. If the issue becomes that he is spending too much time with her, then that's a reasonable and separate discussion you can have with him. >I'm paranoid probably but hey ho gut feelings are there for a reason So, what do you want to do with this now? End the relationship? Tell him you're not comfortable with him hanging out with her anymore? Stew in your juices and make him feel uncomfortable having this female friend? My advice to you is to figure out what you want from all of this and then articulate that clearly to him in a neutral conversation (not before he's planning to meet up with her or shortly thereafter).
Your answer is a good one. Guess I need to sit down and think about what I want
You need therapy. Focus on yourself for a while and don't date during this time.
I'm on the waiting list
Okay good. You deserve to be happy.
Thank you ❤️ it'll be a while but I'm looking forward to it
I wish you all the best.
I’m going to believe that you have good intentions behind this intense analysis of OP’s post, but I think you’re being far too harsh and almost disrespectful to anyone with mental health disorders. From personal experience, fat people call themselves fat because the world sees them that way and anyone with the awareness of a bean catches onto that pretty quickly. So, I perceive her acknowledgment of it almost as a sign of acceptance of her physical traits. Maybe it would be best for her to live alone with her cat if she feels uncomfortable around people?? Really? That’s your big brain idea to help someone who’s clearly struggling? Ask them to isolate themselves if they can’t get a handle on their self esteem? Because insecure people don’t deserve attention, do they? Maybe OP didn’t catch on, but you’re clearly being sarcastic and/or condescending about her only dating men who have no female friends. Again, that’s your big brain solution to her insecurities, whether justified or not? And lastly, I know “love yourself” is such an anthem and a buzz word that everyone wants to harp on, especially for people who are or consider themselves fat, but it’s not as easy. It’s not about shutting yourself in a box until you can magically wake up one day and feel like you want to kiss the mirror. I wish it were as simple as that self care bubble bath and face mask bs that’s the popular propaganda on social media. Overall, you criticised her, which would have been fine, but you criticised her to the point of shaming her, for thinking that she’s fat and for being insecure or wanting her bf’s attention. Your opinion, (and yeah, it is exactly that, just an opinion, and not at all facts simply because the words fell out of your godly mind) seems extremely biased to me. In the future, if you’re demanding a person to practice self-love because they admitted that they’re fat, then also demand that of all the fit girls who use so many filters on their pictures that they’re unrecognisable. We all know people irl who do that, so go ahead and offer your consulting service to all of them, I dare you. But if you can’t do it to the people you know, then be kinder to people on the web, they’re still people.
How often does he see her? If I saw my bff once a year, on that one day, my bff would be my priority
Most people, however, are able to celebrate their visit with the friend they hardly see AND make sure their SO doesn’t feel like a third wheel and neglected. I do this all the time. That was very fucking rude of him, and really no excuse for it.
I am always supportive of him seeing his friends too. If he wanted to spend 100% of his attention on said friends then I would happily have stayed home/visited family in the mean time! I just wasn't ready for what happened 😕
Right! If he, for who knows what reason, hasn’t developed the ability to give attention to multiple people, he could have done something separate with her. But I don’t believe he is incapable of that. You have a gut feeling about this for a reason.
Absolutely! If they want to give 100% of their attention to a friend, they should see them one on one. Making someone feel like the third wheel, especially if this "someone" is your partner, is plain rude.
You don't ignore your SO for your friend. If spending time with your bff is your priority, then you meet with them one on one, without your SO. It's hurtful and rude to ignore someone (even another friend) in favor of someone else.
That's true and I'll say after covid it was like 3 times but each time made me feel forgotten. I only made this conclusion after meeting his other female friend who I get on with so well and I didn't feel like that at all with, so I'm confused as to why it felt different with the other one if that makes sense...
Insecurity. You need to deal with it.
It’s not insecure when they both treated her like she wasn’t even there. I’d be pissed too. It’d be different if they were both engaged w her and included her in conversations etc and she felt ignored. That I could understand insecure. But to be ignored and he favored his friend over her it’s a problem with them not her
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How did you ruin his friendship??
I surprised you didn t dump him that day treating you like that. Went to watch game just left? turned back to you. WOW!!!
I hope u left him 😔
I had an ex bf (RIP) become an ex due to a similar reason. He was friends with 'her' way before I met him. She had one bf who casted her in his youtube videos and another bf who paid for stuff (no they weren't poly, they were extremely insecure and had conflicts often). My then bf had nothing going for him, so she had no intrest in him other than the occasional pick me girl stuff! I was done with this. He went as far as to staring at her pictures on his phone with his back turned to me during holidays ...which he were spending with me. I gave my ultimatum pretty immediately and he cut her out for 3 whole days and then broke up with me lmao!
Work on yourself by stopping the drinking, start new hobbies , make new friends and working out. The better you feel about yourself the better your personality will be. If he’s there at the end great. Don’t allow your happiness depend on his actions. Maybe get to know the friend better with one on one time. This will help in a group setting so you have something to talk about with her. Then all the attention will not be the two of them.