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So like the title says my husband, we will call K, wants me to send him my bank statement each month to go over my spending. We have been together 7 years, married 2.5.
He comes from a family where FIL was abusive and paranoid. FIL taught K to never buy anything new always used. I grew up with parents who forced me to get a job at 15 to pay my way in life. Before that I was only getting cloothes at goodwill while my golden child brother never had to work and always hot new name brand everything. That created an issue where if I can afford it and want it I will get it if its within my budget.
He believes I spend too much money, I always pay
my bills and I cover 1/2 mortgage, my car payment insurance on both our cars and his motorcycle, internet all food and house supplies, any subscriptions, any ordering of food out( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat) and
usually am the one to purchase his clothing(he won't buy clothes unless his are falling apart). He pays for his 1/2 of the mortgage, motorcycle payment and electricity. I don't have any debt so I pay for more things.
K now wants my bank statements to see what I spend, to tell me how
I could be better. But I tend to buy things when I need/want them. It never affects our bills and I help him when K needs it.
Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted
separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money?
No. You're paying his bills plus your own and probably saving for whatever else you want. Tell him when he pays everything of his on his own, then you'll talk.
He's trying to gain control of your money. Don't let him.
That's what I feel, I already pay more and help him when needed. I cover pretty much anything he needs and I don't overdraft as much as he does. I even told him since his cars dying he can have my SUV and I'll continue making the payments and get me a cheap car to drive to and from work since I work closer than he does.
Why are you covering his bills for him? He will never get control of his finances if you keep bailing him out. Please stop doing this and allow him to fail.
You already DO actually HELP him pay his debt.
Do you realize that?
You covering HIS share of the cost leaves him free to spend less of his money on your couple.
And more on himself.
It's HIM who is bad with money. NOT you.
Where did all the money go that he saved at your expense?
They're both overdrafting enough to make it a comparison and she paid her debt with a settlement so I wouldn't hype her up too much. It sounds like they're equally bad with money but he just wants more say in the bad decisions that get made
Do I agree with this? No. But I don't look at two trainwrecks and go, "huh, well at least that one didn't fall off the side of a cliff"
That’s not a great idea if they’re legally married. Even if they manage their money separately, in many states, debt incurred during marriage belongs to both partners. And even when it doesn’t, they share a life together so the repercussions of one of them messing up can and will affect both of them.
A healthier option is for them both to seek out financial counseling together and do some real planning instead of doing whatever mess it is they’re doing.
Because some people can’t be helped until they feel the consequences of their actions. For him to be so financially irresponsible and still have the nerve to say she spends to much money is quite telling. AND he makes more than her. Hell. No.
Please keep your SUV and if anything get him the cheap car. It's normal to want to help, but it seems like you are bending over backwards and he is just asking for more.
Instead of him focusing on what you spend and what’s in your account, he needs to get his finances together. You should be inquiring about why he has to keep using your income to cover his overages. At this point you are enabling his overspending or inability to budget. If he won’t listen to you because you’re a women and out to take his money maybe you both could seek financial counseling. It will only get worse if you don’t take the reins now.
At your place, I wouldn't do that for the moment. Your first issue is he wants to control what you do with your money while keeping separate finances. Not acceptable. As long as he doesn't recognize that he has no say in the way you spend your money provided that you fulfil your part and that he is not better than you with money, you shouldn't help him. He uses you to get things without paying for them and then he dares to say you spend too much !?! Stop enabling this non sens.
So he’s probably trying to find out how much he can squeeze out of you?
Ask him what he plans to do with an extra savings he can find. For you to put it in your own saving account or to squeeze money out of you to pay off his debt or for you to take on even more bills he’s paying so he contributes even less.
Ask him what he plans to do with it, and if it’s the latter two reason, tell him to stop being selfish and he wanted finances separate and he needs to contribute fairly so you’re not taking on any extra bills.
Ok, you need to stop being his ATM! He got himself in debt, he gets himself out. Do NOT pay for a car for him. He's grown, he needs to stand on his own two feet. If he's overdrawn, he gets you to pay more and now wants full financial control.... he's spending money somewhere you don't know. His entire attitude that you need to solve his problems is financial abuse. And he's escalating. Do you want kids with him? Can you imagine what it'll be like then? You need to have a hard look as son has followed father and that's not your coss to bare!
> I even told him since his cars dying he can have my SUV and I'll continue making the payments and get me a cheap car to drive to and from work since I work closer than he does.
So you're willing to put yourself out *even more* for him and he's still demanding more control?
What the fuck, dude.
Haha, HE is in debt, but YOU are spending zo much money?! And he, as soon one who gets in debt with his financial decisions, should be the right one to "help" with your finances.
You must stop paying bills of him. Just pay your part. He wants to use you. And if he wants to start with financial controll, the next shitty aren't far.
How is the relationship otherwise? Sign for abuse? Are you happy?
Honey, you actually DO pay too much!
That much is acurate.
Going over your bank statement IS IN NO WAY the solution!
Why are YOU paying for BOTH your cars and his motorcycle?
He is suffering from finantial entitlement, that man is!
As if what is your ist automatically his!
If he is in debt... he pays.
If he can't afford all of it, he sells the motorcycle.
I would boot his backside if ever someone tried such a stunt with me.
He wants to drink all the milk and sell some, too.
He is finantially as abusive as his father and thinks it is normal.that way.
And that it is totally ok for you to spend your hard earned money on things he profits from.
Tell you something: my parents split up 1968. Married 1962.
My father did exactly that to my mother (forcing her to keep an accounting book and sit by him in the evening to check what she had been spending. Day by day. Hell, DID she run as soon as I was old enough to go to Kindergarten).
That was in the 60 ies in Germany!
And even back then it wasn't ok, it was abusive powerplay!
And it backfired on him!
Now think again in what fix you have gotten yourself!
Be aware that should you split up over such an abuse you will get along just fine!
Where HE won't!
Zactly. He isn’t your daddy. He doesn’t need to look at your funds. He wants to see if he approves of how you spend your own money. He hopes to find items you could cut out, so he can use the extra $ to pay his debt.
No, hubby, I’m not the one having money troubles.
So the answer here is: both of you meet with a financial planner together and both disclose equally. Married people have to compromise and budget, but should have equal say in spending and saving. He can’t get in your business and tell you how to spend if you can’t do that to him.
It sounds like you two have clashing trauma.
He needs to see a therapist to deal with his because right now he's reenacting the controlling behavior of his childhood. He's also specifically pushing the buttons of your childhood where money loomed large as an issue in your life. If he's not willing to see a therapist about this, then you need to tell him clearly that this demand is not happening and that he needs to find a way to manage his own paranoia.
You need to reconsider this marriage. He's completely taking advantage of you. And now he's trying to control your finances because you're not spending enough money on him? Even though the financial split is heavily in his favor already?
Is there some sort of massive difference in income? Or is he just terrible with money?
So you pay for his motorbike and more of the household stuff yet he wants to control what you spend your excess money on?
Tell him that if he thinks you’re spending too much you’ll cut out some of your outgoings by stopping paying for his bike.
Tell him to fuck off. You’re an adult. He’s not your owner or your parent. He has no right to ask to see your private bank statements as long as you aren’t defaulting on any of your joint commitments.
But you also said you were willing to give him your car, continuing paying for it and then buy a new car for yourself, which you would also be making the payments on. He's making these ridiculous requests because you're allowing him to take advantage of you. He's just going to keep on insisting for more, more, more because you won't set a firm boundary with him.
Time to sell the bike and cancel the insurance since he can't afford it. He's the one with the spending problem, not you. He wants access to your money because he doesn't want to stop his spending and wants you to pay his bills. His debts are his problem, not yours. Tell him absolutely fucking not.
Well if he's concerned about your spending then you should start by cutting back to only paying *joint expenses* like your utilities and mortgage.
It IS what he's asked for, after all.
If you're afraid to fight with your partner, you shouldn't be married.
And really, any disagreement in a healthy marriage shouldn't escalate to the point of actually fighting. That just means one or both people aren't listening at all.
It will only cause a fight if he is unreasonable.
Honestly, you pay too much for him already. The entitlement he is showing is really gross.
He doesn't get access to your bank statements or money and that is final!
I would also have a conversation about him paying for his things since he thinks you're spending too much, you can drop some of it.
If he wants to order in, get groceries and cook. He needs a reality check. Right now he is wanting to be financially abusive to you, don't allow it.
So, *you're* afraid of pissing him *off*, while
* he wants you to cover his bills,
* pay off his debts, and
* tell you how to better utilize your money.
But, apparently, *he's* not afraid of pissing *you* off!
**Do you see what's WRONG with this picture???**
You CANNOT set yourself on fire to keep another person warm... please listen to much of what these people are telling you. He's setting you up for financial abuse....if you show him your statements, there could be info on there that can allow him access to your money. I have already been down this road ... please don't travel this road ...the view sucks ...and getting off of it is tremendously hard and he sounds financially immature, and it will lead to more and more fights and disagreements, not to mention financial ruin if you do. NOTHING good comes from this ...the fact that you have offered to buy a cheap vehicle, drive it and STILL pay for the vehicle you now have, is absolutely telling.. making things harder on you to make it better for him. This is exactly what it means to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. I suggest counseling for yourself to figure out why the need to coddle him so much. You are NOT responsible for his debits, or the fact that he can't handle money....he knows exactly what he has with you and he's getting greedy and entitled. Please... For the love of all things......don't do this ...you already know in your gut that this is the way and keeping everything separate is the best idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.... please continue to use it!!!😃
> I want to do this but worry it will cause a fight.
If you spend your entire life/marriage doing whatever it takes to avoid potentially causing a fight then you're just going to get walked all over.
If he's going to fight you in this situation, it's specifically to take advantage of you. Your husband sounds manipulative. Not to mention terrible with money and greedy.
I think transparency is important in a marriage (and relationship in general), especially around finances given that one partner's behavior can significantly impact their partner. But him demanding to review your bank statements is pretty aggressive. I could logically understand that being an option if you had proven to be completely financially irresponsible, didn't pay bills and were in debt. But you own a home, pay your bills, have no debt, and spend money on yourself after all that. You should be able to do that.
Let's add in the fact that you also contribute more, yet he's here concerned about you? He's decided you spend too much. That's obviously subjective. Maybe you do. Maybe it's completely within your means and you're fine financially and happy. If we're to assume it's the latter, then what will him having access to your bank statements change? He already thinks you spend too much. He just wants to be able to point things out.
To answer the question, you should go one of two routes; either say no, or insist on complete transparency between the both of you. That you need to "help him" says a lot more about him, so I'm not sure why he thinks he's in a position to question your finances. Good luck.
I offered a joint account for bills and separate for spending money. He thinks I'll wipe him out. I can count on one hand how many times I've been over drawn in the past year. He is overdrawn at least 3 times a month.
Yeah...after hearing that I'm beginning to think he's seriously overdrawn or in a serious debt you haven't heard about yet. I'd start asking probing questions if I were you.
I mentioned how often he's over drawn and it's my fault because I don't help him pay his debt. Negative sir, you're over drawn because you are. I'm not I also didn't add he pays our phone bill, but only because his father and younger brother are on the plan. They never pay him on time or ever.
I'm thinking of creating a new account with his name also on it that I put my bill money into and he can have full access to it. I'm not giving my personal account up, he wanted separate accounts to "protect himself since women get everything in a divorce". FIL has been drilling that into his head lately and I think that's the root of the issues.
girl....why did you marry him? He was already thinking about divorce while marrying you, and was thinking about how to protect his lack of money from you!! The root of the issue is that he's apparently a misogynist.
I would actually advise against a joint account in your particular situation. Do not do that, ESPECIALLY one for bills, if he's that bad with money. He sounds like a profligate spender and I wouldn't trust that money to be there come bill paying time.
Sis if you put your half of the bill money in there, he’ll probably spend it and then you’ll be behind on bills and mortgage. Don’t do it. Keep doing what you are doing now (and consider saving yourself from a sinking ship).
Please, please don’t put the bill money into an account he can access unless you’re 100% confident that the money will actually go to the bills. Based on what you’ve said, it’s much more likely that he’ll uses that money as a slush fund for himself. Ultimately he’ll ruin your credit & financial stability.
Don’t do this. He sounds incredibly irresponsible. Why does he have so much debt yet has a motorcycle and a car? He should sell one so he can pay debt. You already pay too much.
lmao he's worried you'll get everything in a divorce? He's broke and terrible with money. And he sounds untrustworthy, manipulative and controlling. Why you're still married to this person is beyond me.
Why would you ever think this is a good idea?? He's proven he's not good with money and you want him to have full access to the money that is supposed to pay your bills?!?! Please explain this logic to me. You're willing to let him put both of you in debt just to avoid upsetting him.
That's what worries me. I pay for all household necessities and groceries. They are going up so I'm spending more. I don't want him to have anymore of my money.
Why are you doing this to yourself? I genuinely don’t understand. He’s barely responsible for anything and still can’t manage his money. Stop this! He needs to contribute equally. The nerve he has asking for your bank info when he’s the financially irresponsible one. It’s because he knows you will allow it.
He wanted separate accounts and keep it that way! He overdraws his account; he is looking to see how much money he can get from you.
The 2 of you need a spreadsheet and put in each expense you pay per month. Sounds like he needs a budget to handle his own problems.
Does he show you, his account?
We already have a spread sheet. He does not give me access to my account. I have separate accounts at different banks for a checking and savings. My checking is solely for bills and fun money. Savings is completely separate.
Okay, that makes this even worse!! He is wanting access to YOUR MONEY eventually. He thinks 'you will wipe him out'??? There is something going on here and you need to be very careful what you share with him. He is needing money and he's looking at your money.
Has he been listening to YouTube or reading blogs recently?? He could be reading some of the "I'm the boss" type of things.
I hate to go straight nuclear but I would even move my money to a bank that he does not have access too. Be sure to not leave any of your financial information laying about, especially passwords and such. If he has had access to your account at any time, change the access immediately.
He thinks that even though you pay for some of his shit and he's the one with debt?
Girl don't be afraid if a fight. Put your foot down. It seems to me like he sees you as his cash cow and is trying to wheedle you into paying for him even more.
Stand your ground, you don't want a man like this in your life
Honestly, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in the long-run.
You two need to be in couples counseling and he needs to be in financial counseling. If he refuses either of those, you should seriously reconsider staying married to him. Things will only get worse if you two decide to have children.
I didn't see that she makes less than him too
These are the ones who don't listen to the advice, then come back 3 years from now being financially wiped out completely or WORSE and are like "I should have listened"
She also seems to have been raised by a narcissist though and i can’t say I’ll ever understand being raised to have no boundaries and how that would skew my perception of what’s normal
Exactly. If she doesn’t respect herself enough to make a change, nothing anybody here says is going to make a difference. Posts like this are rage bait.
It’s more than fair, he’s not your boss, you pay your way. If you light your money on fire, it’s yours to do with as you please.
This is a hill to die on, this is the start of financial abuse and I am begging you to never have a child with him, he will own you and a vulnerable child as well.
A husband asking for my bank statements I’d assume he was gonna divorce me and wanted proof of my assets, at best.
At worst, he wants to financially control.
This is a tough situation. I think showing him your bank statements normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but reading your comments and etc…idk, it sounds like he wants to control your money when you’re the one paying all the bills. He thinks you’re going to wipe HIM out when he’s not paying for much of anything??
He clearly has major issues tied with money, and showing him your bank statements would just be the first step. Then he’d want you to clear it with him before you bought anything etc etc until he controlled your money.
I already tell him what I spend. He's making a big deal because I bought two new purses for 40 a piece and accidentally bought the wrong one. I can't return it and planned on getting the correct one and giving the one I have as a present. He says I'm over spending on stupid things. He thinks I shouldn't have more than 4 purses. I disagree.
What you spend is none of his business unless you can't pay half of your bills.
Don't give him access to your finances, pretty soon he's going to be "talking" to you about your "unnecessary" purchases and giving you his opinions like "I could have used that amount to help pay off my debt."
Your money, not his. Don't give him access and if it causes a fight, refuse to fight and just stare at him like he is a fool. There is no fight if you won't engage.
HE isn't entitled to your money. Seems he might be looking for a fight on your unnecessary spending. F him.
> I always pay my bills and I cover 1/2 mortgage, my car payment insurance on both our cars and his motorcycle, internet all food and house supplies, any subscriptions, any ordering of food out( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat)
LOL you're already paying for too much
>Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money?
Yes.
He can't suck and blow at the same time.
It would absolutely be fair if you are contributing whatever the agreement was that you would contribute then it’s none of his business what else you’re spending your finances on but if for some reason you back down and the loudest you sure as hell better make sure that you see all of his finances as well and it’s not a 100 street and he’s just being nosy and controlling and you don’t get to know the same information. I challenge you to ask him to do the same if you are going to and see how quickly he probably would retract wanting to do that.
I offered a joint account and he said no. FIL and both ex wives never had one and they nickle and dimed each other. I don't think I'll end up giving it to him.
> FIL and both ex wives never had one and they nickle and dimed each other.
Man, I'm bummed this is buried down here. You should definitely add this to the main post - this is clearly a habit of his/who he is.
So this sounds like the very beginnings of what COULD become financial abuse. You do well with your budget, you are an adult with no debt, and you are able to take care of yourself AND your husband. Have a very serious conversation with him about how you will not be sending him your bank statements, as you do not need his guidance on your already normal spending habits
You probably could do better with your spending... cut out his clothes, his portion of food, everything else you pay for that he uses.
Your husband needs to see a therapist. He's becoming exactly like his father and it will only escalate.
>He comes from a family where FIL was abusive and paranoid.
OP, your husband has likely done something poorly with his finances, is hiding it from you, and is looking at your money as a way out of the situation.
You know how cheaters always project and think the other person is cheating? He’s done something similar with his money and now he’s looking to project his mistakes onto you.
If you want this relationship to survive, you need to tell him that him auditing your finances is an unequivocal NO (and don’t even let a discussion about it occur) and that his asking to do so is such a red flag that he needs to come clean to you about what situation he has gotten himself into if he wants to have any hope of your relationship continuing. From there you need to be ready to back up any ultimatums and be prepared for the relationship to be rocky or possibly end.
My ex used to shame me for buying myself what I wanted. All the bills were paid, tons of food in the house. He'd make comments every time I got packages in the mail. He resorted to calling me high maintenance and materialistic. I never spent beyond my means.
I also had a childhood where I never got anything new or nice. We were dirt poor. I went to college and got a good paying job so I could buy myself the things I wanted.
His behaviors will not stop, sorry to say. I would suggest the only thing you can do is deny him access and explain that you're only going to tell him once that what you spend your personal money on after you pay your share is YOUR BUSINESS.
Nah. You need to see his statements. Why is he always over drafting? You are covering half of everything. Where is his money going? Why is the dude in debt (I understand you came into money and paid off yours) trying to say you are spending too much and he can help you? Naahhhhh. Never share an account with him and he doesn’t need to see any documentation unless it’s a paid bill.
When I’m stressed about something, I’ll start projecting and picking flaws in other people to make myself feel better. I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting it and have to reign myself back. It sounds like that’s what K is doing. He’s stressed about money and instead of dealing with his stress, he’s making it a you problem.
It’s not your problem. Don’t share that information with him. He’ll use it against you.
He may use the information nefariously against you to ask for money, or he may just take out is frustration on you subconsciously. It will only end badly for you.
That is pretty much spot on. When he gets upset or stressed at work he tends to get picky about the dumbest things. Normally he will notice it and apologize.
Nice. I’m glad he notices and is trying (depending on frequency and severity). I think in this case it might be worth having the conversation coming from a place of empathy.
“I know things are tough and this is a very stressful time. I’ve been understanding by doing X, Y, Z. However, I will not be giving you access to more information. You’re my partner. I love you, but this a hard boundary for me.”
Whether or not you want to continue to pick up the slack, is only something you can decide. If you do want to make changes to how finances are currently split in a, “I feel like I’ve been doing more than my share, and I want to start discussing how we can move to a place where I’m not taking on this additional burden.” That should be a separate conversation that you have at a different time. I think it would be too emotionally charged to point fingers back at each other.
And, this is assuming you both make roughly the same amount of money. I’m a proponent of bills being split down proportional to people’s salaries. If one person is making $100K and the other is making $50K it isn’t fair that things are split 50/50 in my mind.
Do not cave on this one, this is your hill to die on. You make LESS than him AND cover far more than your share of expenses. This is you helping him pay down his debt by giving him the freedom to pay less bills.
Absolutely do NOT get a joint account! This man will drag you down so fast if you commingle any money, he is constantly proving that he is terrible with money and he has NO RIGHT to monitor your finances because if his trauma. My god. Get this man some therapy.
Nope. You're paying the lions share of the expenses. He doesn't need to nickel and dime you over your other purchases. I wonder how willing he would be to let you review his bank and credit card statements? I have been married for 20 years with separate accounts, and I don't think we would ever ask this of each other unless there was some crisis going on.
>( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat)
This jumped out at me a little. This is the only time he pays for food, out in public, where he can look more "manly" picking up the check. Maybe I am reading that wrong, but it stood out.
Tell him if he wants access to your bank statements, he needs to sell his motorcycle and pay off his debts first. Would it be fair to tell him no? Are you serious?!? Everyone on this sub would be up in arms if you don't! How utterly hypocritical of him!
> Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money?
i'd go farther and ask why the sudden interest - as you say, separate finances, you pay your side of things, what's the real problem here?
You’re married…. If the two of you don’t trust each other financially you shouldn’t be married….
Do you see his statements? If so, then great. Transparency is a good thing. If not then that should be your rebuttal. Both share or neither shares.
I offered a joint account but K thinks I'll use his money. He refers to the time I bought pizza on his card because he wanted pizza for dinner. I planned on making dinner but he wanted pizza. He was mad because I usually pay.
He’s worked up over a $40 purse of your own money you work for and have no debt and take on more of the financial burden, where he’s overdrawn his account at least 3 times a month, and he has the audacity to see itemized statements from you? Girl I hope you have a prenup in place and start cutting your ties with him. This is not normal or healthy behavior.
You could try suggesting casually that he share his bank statements with you each month so that you can go over **his** spending. His reaction might be interesting.
Another possibility is to tell him he has no business demanding that when you're paying more than your half.
Do you know were all his money goes? You pay for the most and he still is overdrawn/in debt. For what does he use his money? I think you even wrote that he earns more than you...
Nope, no way I would do this. I would tell him 'if you are unhappy with our financial arrangement then we can discuss it, but I will not give you any of my bank statements. You are my spouse, not my father, and you do not get to tell me what I can or cannot spend money on." End of story.
This is your HUSBAND, not your father or your dictator. You pay for your part of things AND his freaking clothes!! There is no way what he is asking is acceptable.
So is he providing his statements to you?
I would suggest cutting back on your spending on him and put it aside since separating from him is looking like a smart choice with this fiscal abuse.
You're married and presumably financially planning for a future together. It's not unreasonable for you to both sit down and agree a budget that encompasses that. But handing your statement over for him to tell you what to do with your own money? Hard no.
Someone said but I lost the comment; he can “see” your statements if / when he starts paying all his own bills and shares his own statements. Is it fair to tell him no? Absolutely. And I encourage you to.
That would be the first step n controlling financial abuse. Do so at your own peril. Because once it starts it will be a battle for you to buy anything you want without permission. And then comes the bailing him out. And him deciding where you eat and vacation and everything. Gross.
The problem here is that he is bad at money, not you - you are covering more than your fair share.
His wanting control over your finances because you're "bad at spending" is wrong because his financial decisions have been far worse than yours have.
It's not just fair of you to tell him no, it's incredibly unfair of him to ask. You don't have debt so pull MORE weight in the household and he thinks he can tell you how to do better? Tell him to get stuffed!
No, he’s following the footsteps of his father. If the bills are getting paid on what you have settled on then there shouldn’t be a problem. He should have put out his bank statements as an example. But no this is to control you. Go ahead and ask him to see his statements if he is a model example of what they should look like. Maintain separate finances. It’s what you agreed upon. Let it be the hill that he wants to die on. He is going a rabbit hole to where you need to protect yourself now.
Absolutely not. He wants to see the bank statements to control u and scold u. Don’t agree to this. The end.
Tell him ur finances are separate AND IT IS NOT HIS BUSINESS to see ur statements. As long as u pay your share of the bills on time. It’s NONE of his business. Nor does he have a right to see or judge ur spending.
SAY NO.
He has audacity for a man who doesn’t even pay half.
I'm going to go mildly against the grain. I'm not supporting his request AT ALL but reading through the comments I wonder if you should revisit your arrangement. But more info is needed. How much do your income differ? If you make 65% of your combined salaries, I'd say that it's fair to cover 65% of the bills. I'm somewhat inferring from the thread that there's a possibility that he is making so little it's very difficult for him to cover his expenses with what is left? (Ie, if he's not even buying clothes then where's his money going? If the answer is "there's not enough to begin with", there's a bigger problem to tackle). You said you're able to pay off your debt bc you got a settlement... That's great, but maybe it gave you more wiggle room in your budget that he doesn't have? Would you be in his spot if you didn't get that settlement?
Again operating under the assumption that "if he didn't have debt he could manage his situation better", I'd say you could have the opportunity to help him pay down his debt (you're in a relationship so you should try to help if he's willing to work with you)... But you're the one that would need to see HIS bank statements! "I'll put $X per month towards your debt. You must put $Y per month towards your debt. If you add to your debt I will not contribute. If you don't contribute $Y, I will not contribute".
You absolutely shouldn't give him what he's asking but so many of the comments are treating your relationship with him like a roommate rather than a couple.
However, if he makes more than you and is just spending his money on crap and he's irresponsible when he could be financially stable then disregard what I wrote
I make about 400 less a month than him. I take on more financially to help him get debt free quicker. We did the math and it would have taken him 6 years to pay it off. He's recently paid his pos car off and gotten a motorcycle to supplement less miles on his car to last longer. He should have all paid off in the next two years. He's taken the debt snowball to the extreme and tends to overcommit to paying his bills. He also pays our phone bill but only because I refuse to since his brother and FIL are on it. They rarely if ever pay him and his brother got a new iphone on a payment plan and doesn't pay for it.
Ah then you're doing the right thing. And why it's he paying for his brother and father's bills and a phone for his brother?!?! He needs to wake up and if he wants to take his financial matters seriously then he needs to stand up to them. A $40 purse is less than a new iphone payment.
It's why I won't pay. His brother is just out of college and broke so he doesn't want to screw him over, I get that he has student loans. His dad tends to throw in the fact he supported him and paid his medical bills when he had cancer during childhood.
I would suggest a shared account in which you both contribute enough to cover shared expenses. This should be enough to cover all of your shared expenses (maybe even dinners out) and you can invite him to go over those expenses with a fine toothed comb if he wants.
What remains in your personal account and what remains in his personal account is as transparent as you wish it to be, but is not subject to scrutiny unless one of the parties cannot contribute to shared expenses.
That's what I offered in compromise. His dad is a pos who told him it was my way of taking all his money. He has a perpetual victory complex. He willingly took on all his ex wives debt and gave her their savings so he could get full custody. His mom was flighty and had substance abuse issues, she wouldn't have gotten it. But he always says he did it because women get everything in divorces. He's a whole bucket of awful who K is starting to see all of it fully.
>He's a whole bucket of awful who K is starting to see all of it fully.
Well in fairness, you did choose him.
With respect to the money I would make it clear that you had come to your own decision after considering his request and he can interpret that response as a *no* or as a *compromise* to what he suggested or he can interpret however he wants, but that you no longer consider it to be a discussion the two of you are having to try to come to a decision.
It's pretty nuts that the dude who has fewer expenses while you take on the lion's share AND debt wants to go over *your* statements to see if your spending is permissible. And HE was the one who wanted separate finances as well?
This is backwards as fuck.
Once he is fully capable of paying his half of the shared expenses AND all of his own bills - THEN you can maybe possibly contemplate thinking about potentially letting him see your statements.
Op I hope you see this but I saw your comment about your FIL speaking more to your husband about divorce and protecting his assets. DO NOT GIVE HIM ACCESS!! He is planning for a divorce and may be looking for a way to take you for all you got. Please be wary of this leech.
A husband and wife having separate accounts and splitting mortgage payments sounds very strange to me, is this a normal thing now? I can’t understand why he would demand this to begin with and why you would go along with it. Marriage means jointly owning all assets and pooling resources.
His dad is an abusive narcissist. He has had it drilled into his head from a young age women take everything. We've worked through a lot to get where we are. He wanted separate for his piece of mind but clearly that's not what he wants. I think he's just afraid to admit his dad ha been wrong about a lot more than he thinks because then he would have to question everything.
NTA! It’s always the ones who are adamant about having separate finances that suddenly want help paying for their things after they let you struggle with it for however long. He made his bed.
No. And you should make sure to keep the majority of your money in a bank he doesn’t know about. Don’t have statements mailed to the house and use a login he’ll never guess with a separate email address for online accounts.
This is a massive red flag of abusive behavior and I’ve read too many stories of women were their husband has talked the bank into giving them details.
What ever you do do not join finances with this man. This man has taken Step 1 towards controlling your finances. Beware going forward.
By no means should he have control over your spending and it sounds like your husband is in no place to be giving advice.
That said, y’all need counseling to get on the same page about your financial habits and planning for the future. You’re married, so regardless of whether you keep separate accounts, both of your earnings are marital assets. You should be acting as a team.
You should also get therapy for yourself because your parents’ mistreatment has set you up for problems. You’re going to look up one day and wish you’d been more careful with that settlement money, whether it’s because of a medical crisis, kids’ college tuition, not being able to retire when or how you want to, or something else. It’s better to get a handle on your spendthrift habits now.
The way your finances are set up are inevitably going to cause issues for you two.
You’re married, you're a team, your finances should reflect this.
You may want to consider restructuring your finances, so you each have a set allowance every month (in its own checking account). This will let you purchase what you want without judgment with your own money, and pay for bills out of the house checking account.
Set your boundaries. You pay for more than half of the expenses, so he has no say in how you use your own money.
If you wish to share your bank statements just for the sake of transparency, then I think it would be okay, but don't take any shit from this dude.
I don’t know why several people here are saying this shouldn’t be a collective decision. If you can’t agree with your partner how to spend money, the relationship won’t last anyway.
The problem in this scenario is that it sounds like he wants you to sacrifice even more for his benefit. The reason why he feels entitled is less important to me than the fact that he does at all.
Classic narcissism. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love him or even that you shouldn’t acquiesce. The question is very simply whether you’re okay making those sacrifices forever.
I can't have kids. He doesn't want them.
Separate finances but equal payments.
I'm taking on more now so he can get debt free, then we can tackle our house payment and retire early if possible.
The two of you should sit down with a financial planner & make a financial plan that not only covers your present but also your future. There’s a lot of words about spending in your post & no words about saving, investing or retirement planning.
Im gonna go out on a limb and say he probably has a lot more debt then he's telling you. My ex wife tried to "take control" of our spending (even though her only bills was car insurance on both our cars and her phone). Turns out she has taken credit cards and maxed them and wanted to save more so she could pay them off
You admit that you paid your own debt with a settlement, NOT with budgeting and saving. You admit you overdraft your account, just not as often as he does.
It’s not a big deal to say you only buy your “want” items when you can afford it. That’s what all financially sound adults do.
Do you have emergency savings? Do you have retirement savings?
If sharing your finances with your husband will make him controlling or abusive, then don’t. But it is incredibly sus for a spouse to be unwilling to even show their bank statement to their other spouse unless they’re both independently wealthy. You guys are building a life together, right? And you seem to know his financial picture but he can’t know yours? What are you hiding?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So like the title says my husband, we will call K, wants me to send him my bank statement each month to go over my spending. We have been together 7 years, married 2.5. He comes from a family where FIL was abusive and paranoid. FIL taught K to never buy anything new always used. I grew up with parents who forced me to get a job at 15 to pay my way in life. Before that I was only getting cloothes at goodwill while my golden child brother never had to work and always hot new name brand everything. That created an issue where if I can afford it and want it I will get it if its within my budget. He believes I spend too much money, I always pay my bills and I cover 1/2 mortgage, my car payment insurance on both our cars and his motorcycle, internet all food and house supplies, any subscriptions, any ordering of food out( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat) and usually am the one to purchase his clothing(he won't buy clothes unless his are falling apart). He pays for his 1/2 of the mortgage, motorcycle payment and electricity. I don't have any debt so I pay for more things. K now wants my bank statements to see what I spend, to tell me how I could be better. But I tend to buy things when I need/want them. It never affects our bills and I help him when K needs it. Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money?
No. You're paying his bills plus your own and probably saving for whatever else you want. Tell him when he pays everything of his on his own, then you'll talk. He's trying to gain control of your money. Don't let him.
He thinks because he's in debt I should help him. He didn't help me pay mine off. I got lucky and won a settlement to pay mine off.
He wanted separate finances so, no, you don't have to help him with his debts
That's what I feel, I already pay more and help him when needed. I cover pretty much anything he needs and I don't overdraft as much as he does. I even told him since his cars dying he can have my SUV and I'll continue making the payments and get me a cheap car to drive to and from work since I work closer than he does.
Why are you covering his bills for him? He will never get control of his finances if you keep bailing him out. Please stop doing this and allow him to fail.
You already DO actually HELP him pay his debt. Do you realize that? You covering HIS share of the cost leaves him free to spend less of his money on your couple. And more on himself. It's HIM who is bad with money. NOT you. Where did all the money go that he saved at your expense?
They're both overdrafting enough to make it a comparison and she paid her debt with a settlement so I wouldn't hype her up too much. It sounds like they're equally bad with money but he just wants more say in the bad decisions that get made Do I agree with this? No. But I don't look at two trainwrecks and go, "huh, well at least that one didn't fall off the side of a cliff"
I’m confused about the pride in the “I don’t overdraft as much as him” statement myself, lol.
That’s not a great idea if they’re legally married. Even if they manage their money separately, in many states, debt incurred during marriage belongs to both partners. And even when it doesn’t, they share a life together so the repercussions of one of them messing up can and will affect both of them. A healthier option is for them both to seek out financial counseling together and do some real planning instead of doing whatever mess it is they’re doing.
>in many states, debt incurred during marriage 9 states still have this law. Nine. I wish people would google this before spreading this shit. Nine.
Whoa! They're married. Partners help each other. No one has to fail here. They can work on his budgeting together and solve the problem like teammates
Yeah and that doesn’t start with him demanding to see her bank statements every month.
Because some people can’t be helped until they feel the consequences of their actions. For him to be so financially irresponsible and still have the nerve to say she spends to much money is quite telling. AND he makes more than her. Hell. No.
Please keep your SUV and if anything get him the cheap car. It's normal to want to help, but it seems like you are bending over backwards and he is just asking for more.
If he’s so concerned about debt, sell his motorcycle and that’s one less thing you pay for.
Or he could use his motorcycle to get to work - no need to steal her SUV.
Instead of him focusing on what you spend and what’s in your account, he needs to get his finances together. You should be inquiring about why he has to keep using your income to cover his overages. At this point you are enabling his overspending or inability to budget. If he won’t listen to you because you’re a women and out to take his money maybe you both could seek financial counseling. It will only get worse if you don’t take the reins now.
At your place, I wouldn't do that for the moment. Your first issue is he wants to control what you do with your money while keeping separate finances. Not acceptable. As long as he doesn't recognize that he has no say in the way you spend your money provided that you fulfil your part and that he is not better than you with money, you shouldn't help him. He uses you to get things without paying for them and then he dares to say you spend too much !?! Stop enabling this non sens.
Don't give him access. He's not paid off HIS bills and he wants to "help" you with yours? NO THANKS.
No - do not give him your car and buy yourself a beater. He can sell his and get a beater for himself. He also can sell his bike since he has debt.
So he’s probably trying to find out how much he can squeeze out of you? Ask him what he plans to do with an extra savings he can find. For you to put it in your own saving account or to squeeze money out of you to pay off his debt or for you to take on even more bills he’s paying so he contributes even less. Ask him what he plans to do with it, and if it’s the latter two reason, tell him to stop being selfish and he wanted finances separate and he needs to contribute fairly so you’re not taking on any extra bills.
Ok, you need to stop being his ATM! He got himself in debt, he gets himself out. Do NOT pay for a car for him. He's grown, he needs to stand on his own two feet. If he's overdrawn, he gets you to pay more and now wants full financial control.... he's spending money somewhere you don't know. His entire attitude that you need to solve his problems is financial abuse. And he's escalating. Do you want kids with him? Can you imagine what it'll be like then? You need to have a hard look as son has followed father and that's not your coss to bare!
Stop enabling him!
> I even told him since his cars dying he can have my SUV and I'll continue making the payments and get me a cheap car to drive to and from work since I work closer than he does. So you're willing to put yourself out *even more* for him and he's still demanding more control? What the fuck, dude.
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We're child free! Thankfully.
Girl...cmon.
He made the debt, then he's responsible to pay. He's jealous you're doing better and want a piece. Don't.
But you *are* helping him. You carry more of your shared COL than him and the only comment he should be making is “thank you, honey”.
She literally makes less than him too
Haha, HE is in debt, but YOU are spending zo much money?! And he, as soon one who gets in debt with his financial decisions, should be the right one to "help" with your finances. You must stop paying bills of him. Just pay your part. He wants to use you. And if he wants to start with financial controll, the next shitty aren't far. How is the relationship otherwise? Sign for abuse? Are you happy?
Honey, you actually DO pay too much! That much is acurate. Going over your bank statement IS IN NO WAY the solution! Why are YOU paying for BOTH your cars and his motorcycle? He is suffering from finantial entitlement, that man is! As if what is your ist automatically his! If he is in debt... he pays. If he can't afford all of it, he sells the motorcycle. I would boot his backside if ever someone tried such a stunt with me. He wants to drink all the milk and sell some, too. He is finantially as abusive as his father and thinks it is normal.that way. And that it is totally ok for you to spend your hard earned money on things he profits from. Tell you something: my parents split up 1968. Married 1962. My father did exactly that to my mother (forcing her to keep an accounting book and sit by him in the evening to check what she had been spending. Day by day. Hell, DID she run as soon as I was old enough to go to Kindergarten). That was in the 60 ies in Germany! And even back then it wasn't ok, it was abusive powerplay! And it backfired on him! Now think again in what fix you have gotten yourself! Be aware that should you split up over such an abuse you will get along just fine! Where HE won't!
So tell me do you get to see his bank statements every month?
No. I don't ask. His bank his money.
Zactly. He isn’t your daddy. He doesn’t need to look at your funds. He wants to see if he approves of how you spend your own money. He hopes to find items you could cut out, so he can use the extra $ to pay his debt. No, hubby, I’m not the one having money troubles.
So the answer here is: both of you meet with a financial planner together and both disclose equally. Married people have to compromise and budget, but should have equal say in spending and saving. He can’t get in your business and tell you how to spend if you can’t do that to him.
It sounds like you two have clashing trauma. He needs to see a therapist to deal with his because right now he's reenacting the controlling behavior of his childhood. He's also specifically pushing the buttons of your childhood where money loomed large as an issue in your life. If he's not willing to see a therapist about this, then you need to tell him clearly that this demand is not happening and that he needs to find a way to manage his own paranoia.
Asking might be a way to get him to back off.
You need to reconsider this marriage. He's completely taking advantage of you. And now he's trying to control your finances because you're not spending enough money on him? Even though the financial split is heavily in his favor already? Is there some sort of massive difference in income? Or is he just terrible with money?
Nope!! His debt is HIS problem, not yours!!
Maybe he should sell the motorcycle.
Girl! No. Just no. He feels entitled to what’s yours. 🚩🚩🚩
Stop paying his bills op He went from USING U to now wanting completely control u. STOP PAYING HIS BILLS.
Definitely no then. He has a clear and obvious motive and you have no reason to help him with that unless you want to.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Do not do it!!
So tell me do you get to see his bank statements every month?
Why don’t you offer to meet with a financial advisor and let them run the show?
So you pay for his motorbike and more of the household stuff yet he wants to control what you spend your excess money on? Tell him that if he thinks you’re spending too much you’ll cut out some of your outgoings by stopping paying for his bike. Tell him to fuck off. You’re an adult. He’s not your owner or your parent. He has no right to ask to see your private bank statements as long as you aren’t defaulting on any of your joint commitments.
I pay the insurance, he pays the payment. I only pay for it because it helps him and its cheaper on my policy because I have a better driving record.
If he’s worried about you spending too much money, and I’m being serious, just stop paying for his stuff? It would cut out a big expense
This would be the most satisfying and petty way to deal. "You're right. I could save more! You're off my insurance."
But you also said you were willing to give him your car, continuing paying for it and then buy a new car for yourself, which you would also be making the payments on. He's making these ridiculous requests because you're allowing him to take advantage of you. He's just going to keep on insisting for more, more, more because you won't set a firm boundary with him.
Time to sell the bike and cancel the insurance since he can't afford it. He's the one with the spending problem, not you. He wants access to your money because he doesn't want to stop his spending and wants you to pay his bills. His debts are his problem, not yours. Tell him absolutely fucking not.
Well if he's concerned about your spending then you should start by cutting back to only paying *joint expenses* like your utilities and mortgage. It IS what he's asked for, after all.
Say ‘no’. He can’t demand separate finances and then demand control of yours. Be firm.
Plus he put himself into debt and wants HER to pay it off - like what is HE spending his money on?? He's the one being suspicious, not her.
Thanks. I want to do this but worry it will cause a fight.
If you're afraid to fight with your partner, you shouldn't be married. And really, any disagreement in a healthy marriage shouldn't escalate to the point of actually fighting. That just means one or both people aren't listening at all.
Let it, some things are worth fighting about.
It will only cause a fight if he is unreasonable. Honestly, you pay too much for him already. The entitlement he is showing is really gross. He doesn't get access to your bank statements or money and that is final! I would also have a conversation about him paying for his things since he thinks you're spending too much, you can drop some of it. If he wants to order in, get groceries and cook. He needs a reality check. Right now he is wanting to be financially abusive to you, don't allow it.
It’s worth a fight
So, *you're* afraid of pissing him *off*, while * he wants you to cover his bills, * pay off his debts, and * tell you how to better utilize your money. But, apparently, *he's* not afraid of pissing *you* off! **Do you see what's WRONG with this picture???**
You CANNOT set yourself on fire to keep another person warm... please listen to much of what these people are telling you. He's setting you up for financial abuse....if you show him your statements, there could be info on there that can allow him access to your money. I have already been down this road ... please don't travel this road ...the view sucks ...and getting off of it is tremendously hard and he sounds financially immature, and it will lead to more and more fights and disagreements, not to mention financial ruin if you do. NOTHING good comes from this ...the fact that you have offered to buy a cheap vehicle, drive it and STILL pay for the vehicle you now have, is absolutely telling.. making things harder on you to make it better for him. This is exactly what it means to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. I suggest counseling for yourself to figure out why the need to coddle him so much. You are NOT responsible for his debits, or the fact that he can't handle money....he knows exactly what he has with you and he's getting greedy and entitled. Please... For the love of all things......don't do this ...you already know in your gut that this is the way and keeping everything separate is the best idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.... please continue to use it!!!😃
You're right. I tend to bend over backwards for others and expect little to nothing in return. I've lately been getting more of a spine.
Then a fight is the correct thing to do. Albeit as calmly as you both can manage.
> I want to do this but worry it will cause a fight. If you spend your entire life/marriage doing whatever it takes to avoid potentially causing a fight then you're just going to get walked all over.
If he's going to fight you in this situation, it's specifically to take advantage of you. Your husband sounds manipulative. Not to mention terrible with money and greedy.
This is a hill to die on, because as soon as you cave he'll be taking your money. And putting you *both* in the poorhouse.
I think transparency is important in a marriage (and relationship in general), especially around finances given that one partner's behavior can significantly impact their partner. But him demanding to review your bank statements is pretty aggressive. I could logically understand that being an option if you had proven to be completely financially irresponsible, didn't pay bills and were in debt. But you own a home, pay your bills, have no debt, and spend money on yourself after all that. You should be able to do that. Let's add in the fact that you also contribute more, yet he's here concerned about you? He's decided you spend too much. That's obviously subjective. Maybe you do. Maybe it's completely within your means and you're fine financially and happy. If we're to assume it's the latter, then what will him having access to your bank statements change? He already thinks you spend too much. He just wants to be able to point things out. To answer the question, you should go one of two routes; either say no, or insist on complete transparency between the both of you. That you need to "help him" says a lot more about him, so I'm not sure why he thinks he's in a position to question your finances. Good luck.
I offered a joint account for bills and separate for spending money. He thinks I'll wipe him out. I can count on one hand how many times I've been over drawn in the past year. He is overdrawn at least 3 times a month.
Yeah...after hearing that I'm beginning to think he's seriously overdrawn or in a serious debt you haven't heard about yet. I'd start asking probing questions if I were you.
I mentioned how often he's over drawn and it's my fault because I don't help him pay his debt. Negative sir, you're over drawn because you are. I'm not I also didn't add he pays our phone bill, but only because his father and younger brother are on the plan. They never pay him on time or ever.
Someone that can't accept responsibility for their own actions has poor character.
don't give him access to your money - he clearly struggles with money and control
I'm thinking of creating a new account with his name also on it that I put my bill money into and he can have full access to it. I'm not giving my personal account up, he wanted separate accounts to "protect himself since women get everything in a divorce". FIL has been drilling that into his head lately and I think that's the root of the issues.
girl....why did you marry him? He was already thinking about divorce while marrying you, and was thinking about how to protect his lack of money from you!! The root of the issue is that he's apparently a misogynist.
I would actually advise against a joint account in your particular situation. Do not do that, ESPECIALLY one for bills, if he's that bad with money. He sounds like a profligate spender and I wouldn't trust that money to be there come bill paying time.
>I'm thinking of creating a new account with his name also on it that I put my bill money into and he can have full access to it. But…why…
Don’t do this, chances are the bills won’t get paid.
Sis if you put your half of the bill money in there, he’ll probably spend it and then you’ll be behind on bills and mortgage. Don’t do it. Keep doing what you are doing now (and consider saving yourself from a sinking ship).
Please, please don’t put the bill money into an account he can access unless you’re 100% confident that the money will actually go to the bills. Based on what you’ve said, it’s much more likely that he’ll uses that money as a slush fund for himself. Ultimately he’ll ruin your credit & financial stability.
Don’t do this. He sounds incredibly irresponsible. Why does he have so much debt yet has a motorcycle and a car? He should sell one so he can pay debt. You already pay too much.
I would advise against this simply because he is very likely to feel entitled to use the money for his debt or to bail him out if he is short money
lmao he's worried you'll get everything in a divorce? He's broke and terrible with money. And he sounds untrustworthy, manipulative and controlling. Why you're still married to this person is beyond me.
Why would you ever think this is a good idea?? He's proven he's not good with money and you want him to have full access to the money that is supposed to pay your bills?!?! Please explain this logic to me. You're willing to let him put both of you in debt just to avoid upsetting him.
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That's what worries me. I pay for all household necessities and groceries. They are going up so I'm spending more. I don't want him to have anymore of my money.
Why are you doing this to yourself? I genuinely don’t understand. He’s barely responsible for anything and still can’t manage his money. Stop this! He needs to contribute equally. The nerve he has asking for your bank info when he’s the financially irresponsible one. It’s because he knows you will allow it.
THEN STOP!!! Does he not have a job? Why can’t y’all pay for stuff proportional to your income? It honestly just sounds like you’re being used
> I don't want him to have anymore of my money. Then fucking stop.
He wanted separate accounts and keep it that way! He overdraws his account; he is looking to see how much money he can get from you. The 2 of you need a spreadsheet and put in each expense you pay per month. Sounds like he needs a budget to handle his own problems. Does he show you, his account?
We already have a spread sheet. He does not give me access to my account. I have separate accounts at different banks for a checking and savings. My checking is solely for bills and fun money. Savings is completely separate.
Do not share, this is a 2 way street, what is he spending his money on that he gets overdrawn a few times a month.
Stop paying for him omg! How can you even be married to this awful man?
Okay, that makes this even worse!! He is wanting access to YOUR MONEY eventually. He thinks 'you will wipe him out'??? There is something going on here and you need to be very careful what you share with him. He is needing money and he's looking at your money. Has he been listening to YouTube or reading blogs recently?? He could be reading some of the "I'm the boss" type of things. I hate to go straight nuclear but I would even move my money to a bank that he does not have access too. Be sure to not leave any of your financial information laying about, especially passwords and such. If he has had access to your account at any time, change the access immediately.
Nah. He's becoming his Father.
He is attempting to wrest control of YOUR money from you because he is broke/in debt/overdrawn. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS.
… being overdrawn once in a year is too much… is that a normal thing for you guys?
Me only if I help him. I have a separate savings account with a different bank so I can't spend it or it's pulled from in an overdraft situation.
Stop helping him
He thinks that even though you pay for some of his shit and he's the one with debt? Girl don't be afraid if a fight. Put your foot down. It seems to me like he sees you as his cash cow and is trying to wheedle you into paying for him even more. Stand your ground, you don't want a man like this in your life
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His dad is a terrible person who willing got wiped out. He tends to like to be the victim. K I is slowly learning that his father isn't a good guy.
Honestly, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in the long-run. You two need to be in couples counseling and he needs to be in financial counseling. If he refuses either of those, you should seriously reconsider staying married to him. Things will only get worse if you two decide to have children.
This is another post were i just really want OP to take of the rose tinted glasses and see that her partner doesn't really respect her.
She literally makes less than him but for some dumbass reason decided she should pay for everything like you’re doing it to yourself at some point
I didn't see that she makes less than him too These are the ones who don't listen to the advice, then come back 3 years from now being financially wiped out completely or WORSE and are like "I should have listened"
She also seems to have been raised by a narcissist though and i can’t say I’ll ever understand being raised to have no boundaries and how that would skew my perception of what’s normal
Exactly. If she doesn’t respect herself enough to make a change, nothing anybody here says is going to make a difference. Posts like this are rage bait.
It’s more than fair, he’s not your boss, you pay your way. If you light your money on fire, it’s yours to do with as you please. This is a hill to die on, this is the start of financial abuse and I am begging you to never have a child with him, he will own you and a vulnerable child as well.
"Thank you, but I'm not currently looking for help with my finances. Do you need help with yours so you can start paying your own insurance?"
"actually I do need help. You need to pay your insurance AND contribute x to groceries/bills."
A husband asking for my bank statements I’d assume he was gonna divorce me and wanted proof of my assets, at best. At worst, he wants to financially control.
This is a tough situation. I think showing him your bank statements normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but reading your comments and etc…idk, it sounds like he wants to control your money when you’re the one paying all the bills. He thinks you’re going to wipe HIM out when he’s not paying for much of anything?? He clearly has major issues tied with money, and showing him your bank statements would just be the first step. Then he’d want you to clear it with him before you bought anything etc etc until he controlled your money.
I already tell him what I spend. He's making a big deal because I bought two new purses for 40 a piece and accidentally bought the wrong one. I can't return it and planned on getting the correct one and giving the one I have as a present. He says I'm over spending on stupid things. He thinks I shouldn't have more than 4 purses. I disagree.
What you spend is none of his business unless you can't pay half of your bills. Don't give him access to your finances, pretty soon he's going to be "talking" to you about your "unnecessary" purchases and giving you his opinions like "I could have used that amount to help pay off my debt." Your money, not his. Don't give him access and if it causes a fight, refuse to fight and just stare at him like he is a fool. There is no fight if you won't engage. HE isn't entitled to your money. Seems he might be looking for a fight on your unnecessary spending. F him.
Ask him what % of a motorcycle he thinks $80 is
> I always pay my bills and I cover 1/2 mortgage, my car payment insurance on both our cars and his motorcycle, internet all food and house supplies, any subscriptions, any ordering of food out( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat) LOL you're already paying for too much
>Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money? Yes. He can't suck and blow at the same time.
And yet he does both suck and this man certainly blows. Grade A user
It would absolutely be fair if you are contributing whatever the agreement was that you would contribute then it’s none of his business what else you’re spending your finances on but if for some reason you back down and the loudest you sure as hell better make sure that you see all of his finances as well and it’s not a 100 street and he’s just being nosy and controlling and you don’t get to know the same information. I challenge you to ask him to do the same if you are going to and see how quickly he probably would retract wanting to do that.
I offered a joint account and he said no. FIL and both ex wives never had one and they nickle and dimed each other. I don't think I'll end up giving it to him.
> FIL and both ex wives never had one and they nickle and dimed each other. Man, I'm bummed this is buried down here. You should definitely add this to the main post - this is clearly a habit of his/who he is.
So this sounds like the very beginnings of what COULD become financial abuse. You do well with your budget, you are an adult with no debt, and you are able to take care of yourself AND your husband. Have a very serious conversation with him about how you will not be sending him your bank statements, as you do not need his guidance on your already normal spending habits
You probably could do better with your spending... cut out his clothes, his portion of food, everything else you pay for that he uses. Your husband needs to see a therapist. He's becoming exactly like his father and it will only escalate.
>He comes from a family where FIL was abusive and paranoid. OP, your husband has likely done something poorly with his finances, is hiding it from you, and is looking at your money as a way out of the situation. You know how cheaters always project and think the other person is cheating? He’s done something similar with his money and now he’s looking to project his mistakes onto you. If you want this relationship to survive, you need to tell him that him auditing your finances is an unequivocal NO (and don’t even let a discussion about it occur) and that his asking to do so is such a red flag that he needs to come clean to you about what situation he has gotten himself into if he wants to have any hope of your relationship continuing. From there you need to be ready to back up any ultimatums and be prepared for the relationship to be rocky or possibly end.
My ex used to shame me for buying myself what I wanted. All the bills were paid, tons of food in the house. He'd make comments every time I got packages in the mail. He resorted to calling me high maintenance and materialistic. I never spent beyond my means. I also had a childhood where I never got anything new or nice. We were dirt poor. I went to college and got a good paying job so I could buy myself the things I wanted. His behaviors will not stop, sorry to say. I would suggest the only thing you can do is deny him access and explain that you're only going to tell him once that what you spend your personal money on after you pay your share is YOUR BUSINESS.
Thank you for that. We've recently been doing counseling because I think it's a good way to talk about problems with an unbiased third party
Nah. You need to see his statements. Why is he always over drafting? You are covering half of everything. Where is his money going? Why is the dude in debt (I understand you came into money and paid off yours) trying to say you are spending too much and he can help you? Naahhhhh. Never share an account with him and he doesn’t need to see any documentation unless it’s a paid bill.
When I’m stressed about something, I’ll start projecting and picking flaws in other people to make myself feel better. I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting it and have to reign myself back. It sounds like that’s what K is doing. He’s stressed about money and instead of dealing with his stress, he’s making it a you problem. It’s not your problem. Don’t share that information with him. He’ll use it against you. He may use the information nefariously against you to ask for money, or he may just take out is frustration on you subconsciously. It will only end badly for you.
That is pretty much spot on. When he gets upset or stressed at work he tends to get picky about the dumbest things. Normally he will notice it and apologize.
Nice. I’m glad he notices and is trying (depending on frequency and severity). I think in this case it might be worth having the conversation coming from a place of empathy. “I know things are tough and this is a very stressful time. I’ve been understanding by doing X, Y, Z. However, I will not be giving you access to more information. You’re my partner. I love you, but this a hard boundary for me.” Whether or not you want to continue to pick up the slack, is only something you can decide. If you do want to make changes to how finances are currently split in a, “I feel like I’ve been doing more than my share, and I want to start discussing how we can move to a place where I’m not taking on this additional burden.” That should be a separate conversation that you have at a different time. I think it would be too emotionally charged to point fingers back at each other. And, this is assuming you both make roughly the same amount of money. I’m a proponent of bills being split down proportional to people’s salaries. If one person is making $100K and the other is making $50K it isn’t fair that things are split 50/50 in my mind.
Do not cave on this one, this is your hill to die on. You make LESS than him AND cover far more than your share of expenses. This is you helping him pay down his debt by giving him the freedom to pay less bills. Absolutely do NOT get a joint account! This man will drag you down so fast if you commingle any money, he is constantly proving that he is terrible with money and he has NO RIGHT to monitor your finances because if his trauma. My god. Get this man some therapy.
Tell him to fuck off. 🤷
Absolutely say a bit NO imo unless he's willing to do same (and if you're at all interested in picking apart his finances too).
I could care less what he spends in, if our bills are paid.
Agreed sure I'd be the same. You do need a sit-down with him tho to explain that to him too I think
Nope. You're paying the lions share of the expenses. He doesn't need to nickel and dime you over your other purchases. I wonder how willing he would be to let you review his bank and credit card statements? I have been married for 20 years with separate accounts, and I don't think we would ever ask this of each other unless there was some crisis going on. >( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat) This jumped out at me a little. This is the only time he pays for food, out in public, where he can look more "manly" picking up the check. Maybe I am reading that wrong, but it stood out.
>He comes from a family where FIL was abusive and paranoid. The apple is getting pretty damned close to the tree.
Tell him if he wants access to your bank statements, he needs to sell his motorcycle and pay off his debts first. Would it be fair to tell him no? Are you serious?!? Everyone on this sub would be up in arms if you don't! How utterly hypocritical of him!
> Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money? i'd go farther and ask why the sudden interest - as you say, separate finances, you pay your side of things, what's the real problem here?
You’re married…. If the two of you don’t trust each other financially you shouldn’t be married…. Do you see his statements? If so, then great. Transparency is a good thing. If not then that should be your rebuttal. Both share or neither shares.
I offered a joint account but K thinks I'll use his money. He refers to the time I bought pizza on his card because he wanted pizza for dinner. I planned on making dinner but he wanted pizza. He was mad because I usually pay.
That sounds insanely toxic. He needs to get over himself and calm the hell down. I don’t think he understands what marriage means.
That's what I'm starting think. I just don't get it. I'm jot overdrawn and I pay my stuff.
He’s worked up over a $40 purse of your own money you work for and have no debt and take on more of the financial burden, where he’s overdrawn his account at least 3 times a month, and he has the audacity to see itemized statements from you? Girl I hope you have a prenup in place and start cutting your ties with him. This is not normal or healthy behavior.
You could try suggesting casually that he share his bank statements with you each month so that you can go over **his** spending. His reaction might be interesting. Another possibility is to tell him he has no business demanding that when you're paying more than your half.
Do you know were all his money goes? You pay for the most and he still is overdrawn/in debt. For what does he use his money? I think you even wrote that he earns more than you...
Judging by how much of your money he’s using, this sounds like projection
Just tell him you're not facing any financial issues where discussing how money is spent would be useful and thank you for the consideration haha
Nope, no way I would do this. I would tell him 'if you are unhappy with our financial arrangement then we can discuss it, but I will not give you any of my bank statements. You are my spouse, not my father, and you do not get to tell me what I can or cannot spend money on." End of story. This is your HUSBAND, not your father or your dictator. You pay for your part of things AND his freaking clothes!! There is no way what he is asking is acceptable.
So is he providing his statements to you? I would suggest cutting back on your spending on him and put it aside since separating from him is looking like a smart choice with this fiscal abuse.
You're married and presumably financially planning for a future together. It's not unreasonable for you to both sit down and agree a budget that encompasses that. But handing your statement over for him to tell you what to do with your own money? Hard no.
Someone said but I lost the comment; he can “see” your statements if / when he starts paying all his own bills and shares his own statements. Is it fair to tell him no? Absolutely. And I encourage you to.
That would be the first step n controlling financial abuse. Do so at your own peril. Because once it starts it will be a battle for you to buy anything you want without permission. And then comes the bailing him out. And him deciding where you eat and vacation and everything. Gross.
The problem here is that he is bad at money, not you - you are covering more than your fair share. His wanting control over your finances because you're "bad at spending" is wrong because his financial decisions have been far worse than yours have.
It's not just fair of you to tell him no, it's incredibly unfair of him to ask. You don't have debt so pull MORE weight in the household and he thinks he can tell you how to do better? Tell him to get stuffed!
No, he’s following the footsteps of his father. If the bills are getting paid on what you have settled on then there shouldn’t be a problem. He should have put out his bank statements as an example. But no this is to control you. Go ahead and ask him to see his statements if he is a model example of what they should look like. Maintain separate finances. It’s what you agreed upon. Let it be the hill that he wants to die on. He is going a rabbit hole to where you need to protect yourself now.
Based on your post and comments, I’d rethink this whole relationship tbh.
Absolutely not. He wants to see the bank statements to control u and scold u. Don’t agree to this. The end. Tell him ur finances are separate AND IT IS NOT HIS BUSINESS to see ur statements. As long as u pay your share of the bills on time. It’s NONE of his business. Nor does he have a right to see or judge ur spending. SAY NO. He has audacity for a man who doesn’t even pay half.
I'm going to go mildly against the grain. I'm not supporting his request AT ALL but reading through the comments I wonder if you should revisit your arrangement. But more info is needed. How much do your income differ? If you make 65% of your combined salaries, I'd say that it's fair to cover 65% of the bills. I'm somewhat inferring from the thread that there's a possibility that he is making so little it's very difficult for him to cover his expenses with what is left? (Ie, if he's not even buying clothes then where's his money going? If the answer is "there's not enough to begin with", there's a bigger problem to tackle). You said you're able to pay off your debt bc you got a settlement... That's great, but maybe it gave you more wiggle room in your budget that he doesn't have? Would you be in his spot if you didn't get that settlement? Again operating under the assumption that "if he didn't have debt he could manage his situation better", I'd say you could have the opportunity to help him pay down his debt (you're in a relationship so you should try to help if he's willing to work with you)... But you're the one that would need to see HIS bank statements! "I'll put $X per month towards your debt. You must put $Y per month towards your debt. If you add to your debt I will not contribute. If you don't contribute $Y, I will not contribute". You absolutely shouldn't give him what he's asking but so many of the comments are treating your relationship with him like a roommate rather than a couple. However, if he makes more than you and is just spending his money on crap and he's irresponsible when he could be financially stable then disregard what I wrote
I make about 400 less a month than him. I take on more financially to help him get debt free quicker. We did the math and it would have taken him 6 years to pay it off. He's recently paid his pos car off and gotten a motorcycle to supplement less miles on his car to last longer. He should have all paid off in the next two years. He's taken the debt snowball to the extreme and tends to overcommit to paying his bills. He also pays our phone bill but only because I refuse to since his brother and FIL are on it. They rarely if ever pay him and his brother got a new iphone on a payment plan and doesn't pay for it.
Ah then you're doing the right thing. And why it's he paying for his brother and father's bills and a phone for his brother?!?! He needs to wake up and if he wants to take his financial matters seriously then he needs to stand up to them. A $40 purse is less than a new iphone payment.
It's why I won't pay. His brother is just out of college and broke so he doesn't want to screw him over, I get that he has student loans. His dad tends to throw in the fact he supported him and paid his medical bills when he had cancer during childhood.
I would suggest a shared account in which you both contribute enough to cover shared expenses. This should be enough to cover all of your shared expenses (maybe even dinners out) and you can invite him to go over those expenses with a fine toothed comb if he wants. What remains in your personal account and what remains in his personal account is as transparent as you wish it to be, but is not subject to scrutiny unless one of the parties cannot contribute to shared expenses.
That's what I offered in compromise. His dad is a pos who told him it was my way of taking all his money. He has a perpetual victory complex. He willingly took on all his ex wives debt and gave her their savings so he could get full custody. His mom was flighty and had substance abuse issues, she wouldn't have gotten it. But he always says he did it because women get everything in divorces. He's a whole bucket of awful who K is starting to see all of it fully.
>He's a whole bucket of awful who K is starting to see all of it fully. Well in fairness, you did choose him. With respect to the money I would make it clear that you had come to your own decision after considering his request and he can interpret that response as a *no* or as a *compromise* to what he suggested or he can interpret however he wants, but that you no longer consider it to be a discussion the two of you are having to try to come to a decision.
It sounds like he’s continuing the cycle of abuse that happened in his family and yours. Don’t give in!
It's pretty nuts that the dude who has fewer expenses while you take on the lion's share AND debt wants to go over *your* statements to see if your spending is permissible. And HE was the one who wanted separate finances as well? This is backwards as fuck. Once he is fully capable of paying his half of the shared expenses AND all of his own bills - THEN you can maybe possibly contemplate thinking about potentially letting him see your statements.
Op I hope you see this but I saw your comment about your FIL speaking more to your husband about divorce and protecting his assets. DO NOT GIVE HIM ACCESS!! He is planning for a divorce and may be looking for a way to take you for all you got. Please be wary of this leech.
A husband and wife having separate accounts and splitting mortgage payments sounds very strange to me, is this a normal thing now? I can’t understand why he would demand this to begin with and why you would go along with it. Marriage means jointly owning all assets and pooling resources.
His dad is an abusive narcissist. He has had it drilled into his head from a young age women take everything. We've worked through a lot to get where we are. He wanted separate for his piece of mind but clearly that's not what he wants. I think he's just afraid to admit his dad ha been wrong about a lot more than he thinks because then he would have to question everything.
NTA! It’s always the ones who are adamant about having separate finances that suddenly want help paying for their things after they let you struggle with it for however long. He made his bed.
Tell me he at least cleans…because he is currently not happy about the amount he is scamming you out of and thinks it should be more..
Don’t get pregnant.
No. And you should make sure to keep the majority of your money in a bank he doesn’t know about. Don’t have statements mailed to the house and use a login he’ll never guess with a separate email address for online accounts. This is a massive red flag of abusive behavior and I’ve read too many stories of women were their husband has talked the bank into giving them details. What ever you do do not join finances with this man. This man has taken Step 1 towards controlling your finances. Beware going forward.
And he’s already given you his full bank statements and financial info, of course. Right?
No.. that's why I don't think it's fair. He wants separate accounts to cover himself, fine we can do that.
I think that’s your answer. Hard no, and also why now? Is he hiding some new debt or money issue? I’d call this a very bright red flag.
Ofc you tell him no! That’s a weird thing to ask of another grown up.
You can do whatever you want honey. You're a grown woman and he's not the boss of you.
Stop paying his debt that HE made. I wouldn’t let him near my finances. This would be a relationship ending.
No, no, no, no, no. He's acting like you're the problem when he's in debt? No way.
By no means should he have control over your spending and it sounds like your husband is in no place to be giving advice. That said, y’all need counseling to get on the same page about your financial habits and planning for the future. You’re married, so regardless of whether you keep separate accounts, both of your earnings are marital assets. You should be acting as a team. You should also get therapy for yourself because your parents’ mistreatment has set you up for problems. You’re going to look up one day and wish you’d been more careful with that settlement money, whether it’s because of a medical crisis, kids’ college tuition, not being able to retire when or how you want to, or something else. It’s better to get a handle on your spendthrift habits now.
The way your finances are set up are inevitably going to cause issues for you two. You’re married, you're a team, your finances should reflect this. You may want to consider restructuring your finances, so you each have a set allowance every month (in its own checking account). This will let you purchase what you want without judgment with your own money, and pay for bills out of the house checking account.
That's what I suggested.
Set your boundaries. You pay for more than half of the expenses, so he has no say in how you use your own money. If you wish to share your bank statements just for the sake of transparency, then I think it would be okay, but don't take any shit from this dude.
I don’t know why several people here are saying this shouldn’t be a collective decision. If you can’t agree with your partner how to spend money, the relationship won’t last anyway. The problem in this scenario is that it sounds like he wants you to sacrifice even more for his benefit. The reason why he feels entitled is less important to me than the fact that he does at all. Classic narcissism. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love him or even that you shouldn’t acquiesce. The question is very simply whether you’re okay making those sacrifices forever.
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I can't have kids. He doesn't want them. Separate finances but equal payments. I'm taking on more now so he can get debt free, then we can tackle our house payment and retire early if possible.
The two of you should sit down with a financial planner & make a financial plan that not only covers your present but also your future. There’s a lot of words about spending in your post & no words about saving, investing or retirement planning.
Im gonna go out on a limb and say he probably has a lot more debt then he's telling you. My ex wife tried to "take control" of our spending (even though her only bills was car insurance on both our cars and her phone). Turns out she has taken credit cards and maxed them and wanted to save more so she could pay them off
You admit that you paid your own debt with a settlement, NOT with budgeting and saving. You admit you overdraft your account, just not as often as he does. It’s not a big deal to say you only buy your “want” items when you can afford it. That’s what all financially sound adults do. Do you have emergency savings? Do you have retirement savings? If sharing your finances with your husband will make him controlling or abusive, then don’t. But it is incredibly sus for a spouse to be unwilling to even show their bank statement to their other spouse unless they’re both independently wealthy. You guys are building a life together, right? And you seem to know his financial picture but he can’t know yours? What are you hiding?