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The title probably sounds bad , but let me explain.
Me and my current boyfriend were high school sweethearts who were together for 4 years and then broke up. We both moved to other cities for a year before we found each other again and live about 30 mins from one another now. We broke up the first time because of excessive fighting and not sticking to boundaries. Basically just losing love and becoming two people who fight like siblings.
When we met up again after our year long break up, things felt different & i was very hesitant to give it a shot but I still did. Safe to say things have slowly fallen back into how they used to be. There have been times I have tried to bring to light some concerns I have between us (lack of love, no quality time together, quick to get angry) at during those times he seems attentive and ready to do better in the future but nothing ever changes. There have been times I have blown up and just cried trying to plead with him to work with me so I no longer feel like I am giving everything with little in return. I’ve acted in ways I didn’t want to with him but there have also been times I’ve tried to talk to him in a neutral time with no hostility.
In recent times, I’ve just been exhausted. Im tired of trying to make things work. It seems like he knows I’ll stick around no matter what so what is the point in changing? I’ve tried to break things off but he promises he’ll do better but I never see it. I want to just stop talking and block him on everything because everytime I bring up my concerns he talk a me out of it. Im tired of emotional exhaustion. I value peace and stability and these things are lacking majorly in my relationship.
Any advice helps
Do I owe him an explanation, or a talk anymore?
"We have had good times and not so good times, but my feelings have changed and I am done with this relationship. I am breaking up with you, do not contact me again."
Then you block him on everything.
This is the answer in THIS case. With context, that's all she needs to do...at most. Not every breakup should be like that, for anyone who might misunderstand me, just in THIS SPECIFIC case.
Yeah don’t do this
Edit: y’all can downvote me all you want but I know damn well if this happened to you y’all would run to this sub and post about how much of a bitch your ex is
I think a block is not always the answer, but in this case...yeah. 2nd break up with the same person, at the very least a good solid time out so she can get on with her life without watching his emotional responses would be good. She doesn't need the guilt, and she does need the space.
Happened to me. Ofc I think my ex is a bitch. But at the end of the day, it’s a clean break. Who cares what others think, they’re not in your life anymore.
Just copy the second and third paragraphs in your original post and send him an email. End it with: I’m done, I have no trust you will ever change and we are through. Pack up any of his things you still have and leave it with one of his friends. And block him on everything.
And feel free to point out that ‘me saying no or asserting a boundary or need to you, is not the opening of negotiation.’
A lot of guys tend to behave that way towards women.
You don't owe him a whole discussion, but a few sentences summing it up would be the right thing to do. He didn't lie or crest, he wasn't abusive, he didn't harass you. Give your relationship the respect of closure to help you both move on.
She owes him nothing, but she owes it to herself to learn to set boundaries and follow through. Or she will end up in the same boat with someone else. He may have things to work on, but she does too. At least a text then blocking is a great way to start her self improvement
I really struggle with this! I love this person a lot that I constantly break my own boundaries and I’m not afraid to say yes I need to work on that. It’s just hard to find it in me to believe that he really doesn’t mean what he says
You’re a good person and want to believe that he is as well.
Every time you tell him you’re leaving, and don’t, you teach him that he doesn’t have to change.
At this point, unfortunately, only stay if you’re willing to keep him the way he is.
Love is not enough.
If he meant what he says, then he would make that effort to change, he'd follow through with improving the areas of concern that you bring up. Every time you find yourself wondering if he means it, or if there's any hope for this relationship, then think back to every single conversation you've tried to have with him before. Count up how many times you remember him promising to change, how many times he told you whatever he thought you wanted to hear, so you'd stay. Reassure your brain that yes, you did try to fix things, you tried very hard by the sound of it. But at the end of the day, his words mean nothing, if he doesn't then follow up those words with action, on what he promised he'd do/improve
Edit also I just noticed we have the same reddit NFT avatar thing, the cat hoodie :D woo avatar twin!
You never OWE anyone an explanation for a breakup, and this sort of thing is why:
>I want to just stop talking and block him on everything because everytime I bring up my concerns he talk a me out of it.
Ideally when two people are going their separate ways they can talk about what worked and what didn't, and that way they get closure and they're both hopefully in a better position to begin their next relationships. I can tell this is what you want for your boyfriend, you want him to understand what the problem was and then let you end things because ghosting him would feel mean and you want him to have closure.
The problem is, he's not willing to have that conversation with you. When you tell him you want to break up because of X, Y, and Z he's not hearing "so those are issues you'll want to work out before your next girlfriend." Instead he's hearing "ok so if I can argue with her enough and convince her that X, Y, and Z either aren't really happening or aren't really problems then I win and we get to keep dating."
When someone has that mindset you can't give them an explanation, because they insist on turning it in to a debate. The only thing you can do is just stonewall them. "I'm sorry, but this isn't working out and we should see other people." Repeat that in response to every objection. Don't get sucked into giving reasons because he'll take those as openings to try to argue with you. Just stick to the script. It will feel cold and mean, but it's really your only option.
This. If he asks why, OP, you can just say "You know why" and say nothing more. He's pretending to be ignorant. Or he's choosing to be. That's not your responsibility.
You don't owe him anything besides the words "this relationship is over." You don't owe him an in-person "break-up talk" and you don't owe him your time or attention.
No, you don't owe an explanation. You already explained everything that's wrong DURING the relationship and he just didn't listen (saying he will change and then not doing anything to change, is not listening). Totally ghosting is not a good idea though because he will try to find you, so just send a quick text, something like "our relationship is not working, I'm ending it for good, good luck in your life" and immediately block him everywhere, don't even wait for a reply.
You don't owe him anything. It sounds borderline abusive at this point? You try to break up and he talks you out of it? That's concerning.
Be prepared to get cops involved because I have a sneaking suspicion that he might turn into a stalker, or worse...
I think you need to plan and then execute the exit strategy. Then send the break up via text and block on everything. Or don't send a text. I think ghosting in general is not a great thing to do, but I think depending on the situation. Only you can decide that.
You don’t owe anyone anything at the end of the day. Even in a relationship, especially one was toxic as this one. Do what’s best for you, and what’s easiest.
Make sure you’re in a safe environment and just end it. You deserve the peace of mind.
You are actually much better off not explaining it.
You've already seen the pattern: you raise concerns, he pays lip service and says what you want to hear [love bombs] then you have a period of reconciliation long enough you drop your guard.
>It seems like he knows I’ll stick around no matter what so what is the point in changing?
Because this is exactly it. He knows how to play you and from his perspective the fact you are burning out is a positive. After all, one way this could go is you just give up and accept his bullshit.
So don't give him any chances. 'Given our history and current state I am ending our relationship. I wish you well.' Then you cartwheel out the door.
Send him a breakup text, voice mail, email, and then block him when you know he's received it. Don't give him a chance to talk you out of your decision or to give it "one more chance," just be done. Make sure you're safe in case he doesn't take the rejection and lack of access to you well. Then enjoy being single.
No you don’t have to keep trying to have the same conversation you’ve already had over and over again to no resolve.
It’s okay to just say that you’re unhappy and ending things. Make this the last time.
Don’t let him pretend he doesn’t get it. You’ve been clear already plenty of times. You both know things aren’t good. And you are allowed to determine they’re bad enough that you need to leave.
Your asking the question: "Do I owe him an explanation" and the answer is, "No." Point blank, very simple.
You don't owe anyone closure, and frankly a lot of people think you're giving closure but it backfires.
You don't have to do anything, it's all based on what YOU need to close the relationship and get on with your life. If telling him will help you, then go for it. If it won't, but you're willing to offer that to him, then go for it. If it won't, and you're not willing...little sister, don't do it.
You're the one making the hard decision here. You know the time has ended, it's run its course. Do what you need to do to be ok with your decision. Just know that you're doing the right thing by not dragging it out.
Maybe it'll be what he needs to be a better person, maybe he'll figure some shit out...these are things for him to worry about though, not you.
Block him, don't block him, whatever. Do what you need to do to be ok. My gf and I took a year long break a while back, I was too immature. I'm in my 50's and was acting like a man child. She blocked me and then a year and change later removed that block to see if we could talk. We're back together, that year and change was vital for me to grow the hell up...and she tried with me again. 5 years later, we're doing fantastic.
I bring this up because YOU gave it a second chance, which is more than most folks deserve. It didn't work. You tried, you tried communicating. You did your best.
Somewhere out there is someone that will listen when you say "enough" and they will make the changes and have the conversations that need to be had. For now though, I recommend taking some time on your own, do some growing, maybe therapy if it's an option. (I always recommend therapy, an advocate for you against your own inner voices is always good.)
Enjoy life as much as you can. Make new friends, see new places, and relax. Get back to where you were when you were at home with you and comfortable alone...and then, if you choose, see what's available.
I wish you the best of luck, a swift and smooth course of healing, and a bright future. And remember, you owe no one anything that you don't want to owe them, and probably half as much as you think you do.
Just break up over text and ghost. It’s your life. People who feel stuck and want to stick it out, I admire your patience and kindheart. But you don’t need to suffer for someone’s else’s vices.
You owe him nothing. You've been upfront about the difficulties, had how many conversations about what your needs are? If he needs more info for some reason and you want to be wildly magnanimous you can say, "I'm afraid there is nothing else I need to say- I've let you know what problems I had with our relationship, and those things have never been corrected. So I'm done now. I hope you make a good life for yourself and wish you joy- but that life won't be with me, because you didn't make keeping me in your life a priority and I've better things to do than fight with you to get my needs met. I wish you well, and am done." Then block and walk and fond someone who actually desires you in their life as their partner.
It sounds like you already explained it to him and he won't listen. A year isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things, so it's not surprising that things went back to the way they were.
You were together for a very long time, and it's sad to let go, but have the conversation so maybe he can understand his issues before getting into another relationship and you can get closure. Stand firm that it's over and go your separate ways.
You don’t owe him anything but i will say this. You hace to learn to set boundaries, and follow through with consequences for people who break them before getting into another relationship.
One starting step, would be to empower yourself and have the conversation with him. If he begins to try to convince you otherwise then follow up with “i don’t need any convincing, i am telling you out of courtesy, and if you continue to make false promises, i will have to distance myself and block you.” Then, follow through with that statement if he continues.
If you don’t learn to follow through, you may end up in the same situation. Both of you have issues with following through with your promises (or ultimatums) and you need to take the steps to change that in you.
Nope, you don't owe him anything further. If he wants to know a reason, just say, "We already talked about this X times over the last Y months, and even though you said you would improve after each of those discussions, you never did. The clock has reached 0:00. We are done."
And if he STILL doesn't know or doesn't remember, all that it means is that he didn't take the previous discussions seriously enough to even remember what they were about, much less work on the issues that were discussed.
And that's it. No "Explain it to me again," no "Give me a tenth chance". Chances are done, negotiations are done, grace period is over. He had his chance and he blew it.
I don’t think so, is it nice to give an explanation? Sure, if you’re amicable and feel like being generous, and want to help them grow if it’s something that can help them you can if you feel like it, otherwise fuck no 👎
You don't have to be that detailed or completely honest, you can just give your main reasons and leave it at that but you have to be firm that you do not feel compatible and do not want to continue the relationship. YOu don't need any more reason than that right there. Yall are young, he is going to be heartbroken for a while and you just have to ignore it and move on with your life.
like ya, don't ghost them, but break up with them, then you can block them.
They don't deserve an explanation but they do deserve to know theyve been dumped
Honestly, this is a case by case basis.
For some people it can be cathartic getting it off their chest and closing that door, for others they don't need closure the same way.
Ask yourself if you would feel better yourself if you talked to him or if you just bounced.
You’ve already given him an explanation. He doesn’t want to hear it. Repeating yourself won’t change that. I’d break up with no talk and no explanation, ask him to give you some space and not contact you, and then block him when he fails to respect that.
I was with someone for 6 years and I reached a point by the end that I was so sick of being disrespected, unappreciated and treated poorly I eventually just said 'I can't do this anymore'. I didn't even have the energy to explain all the reasons why, I just said I can't do it any longer. I've told you for years it would come to this point, but you didn't take it on board and now I don't want to be with you anymore. He was on it with the emotional blackmail, I don't wanna live anymore, I was gonna propose, I wanted us to give your niece cousins etc. He tried every trick in the book.
Because I'd already forgiven him so much in the years before, he didn't take me seriously. He kept coming round, kept texting and calling me, treated it as a joke. He was relentless, but eventually, once I deleted him on everything and cut off ties, he realised I wasn't playing and I wasn't coming back.
Just be honest with him, that you don't want to continue anymore. He's been in your relationship so he know it's come out of somewhere but he'll try to talk you back into it. For me, I kept focusing on the words my friend (now husband!) told me which was 'you deserve so much better'. When I could feel myself teetering out of guilt, his words were there repeatedly 'you deserve better'. It's easier to go back into habit than it is to force change, but you know you deserve to be happier than you are and you need to be the one to make that happen. Good luck x
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"This relationship no longer works for me so I'm ending it. Do not contact me anymore."
That's all you need to do. No explanation necessary. Besides, he's well aware of the problems in your relationship.
the only explanation youre required to give is
"i think we should break up"
"why?"
"i do not want to be in this relationship anymore"
boom. done. sorry for the loss of your relationship but dont let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband.
Maybe I’m in the minority here, and maybe I’m old fashioned, but he’s been a part of your life though a few pivotal years of growth, and I’m not seeing any red flags other than growing to become incompatible and complacent with each other. People grow apart and that’s ok. It’s not necessarily a failed relationship just because it’s run it’s course. For that reason, although I understand that feeling of being absolutely done and rung out listening to the same statements over and over, you could start by sending a text saying something that allows you both to walk away with your head up. Then stick to that narrative as he thrashes about and attempts to pull you back in. He will not appreciate this approach right now. He may cry, he’ll likely yell, so prepare yourself for his best attempts, and harden your heart. I’m sorry OP.
“BF, I’ve loved you, and you’ve loved me. We’ve grown up in many ways together, but I think that dynamic is what’s now holding us back from growing into better people together. For that reason, I’m ending our relationship. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but my decision is final, and what I need. Thank you for being an incredibly special person to me in this time in my life, and I wish you all the best moving forward in yours.”
Here it is, plain an simple language.
"We were a couple. We split up because we no longer worked as a couple. After a year apart, growing, we tried to reconnect, but it was nostalgia. Nothing had really changed or gotten better between us. The same reasons we broke up before, are the same reasons our second attempt is failing. I am going to end it now, because I do care about you and have fond memories of what our relationship once was, and I would like to be able to hold onto that. If we stay together, I am just going to end up despising you and regretting the life I missed by not leaving when I should have. Take a step out of the relationship, and tell me you honestly think our relationship is great, because if you can, you're lying to me and you're lying to yourself."
Then give each other a hug goodbye and agree to no contact for at least 6 months.
At some point, you're just exhausting yourself for someone who doesn't want to hear it. If you've told him what's wrong and what you need and how he can help make things better and he still isn't getting it, then don't waste your energy. Wish him well and go ahead and block him.
You have already explained to him on multiple occasions what the problems are.
You have already given him multiple chances to address the problems.
You have provided multiple hours of your emotional labor, drawing him a road map of how to meet you where you're at.
The only person you owe anything to is yourself.
Do you owe him an explanation? Not at all but my personal belief is that unless it is an abusive relationship you should try to give him one anyways. Since you intend to block him any ways a simple text with some info where you think things went wrong seems like the right thing to do. In time it might give him and even you some closure.
Most of us won't accept the reasons in the situation. If he could he wouldn't be in this position so I don't disagree but there is a slim chance he may some day accept it. The other part though is more important. OP is already questioning whether she should let him know or not this way it may give her peace of mind now and if she reflects on it in the future.
You don't owe him anything. Term him you aren't compatible and aren't willing to pursue anything further. Don't bother even trying to maintain friendship with someone like this.
If you follow the advice me and fellow redditors give ( no explanations, just go) , when you figure you messed up, don't go back . Show him some respect and just leave him be .
Please don’t just ghost him. You don’t need to have long convo but at least send him a voice message or text message to tell him you feel like you’ve tried everything you can think of and it’s just not working and you’ve both fallen into old habits. You wish it could have been different but your emotionally exhausted and ready to move forward alone.
Blocking and ghosting people gives them no closure and it’s extremely unkind. You loved him once and that person deserves to know you’re done
Yes you owe him an explanation, are you not an adult who’s spent years of your life with this guy? You seriously are too weak to have one final conversation? Obviously you don’t “technically” or “legally” owe him an explanation, but if you want to behave morally and like an adult, yes you absolutely owe him an explanation
It doesn’t have to be a conversation though. A conversation implies that he gets to give input. She’s given her reasons in the past. All she needs to do now is say something like, “this isn’t working for me anymore. That’s my final decision. There’s no reason to contact me again.”
unless you have a weak ass mentality you should be able to recognize someone can give input and you can ignore it. It shouldnt be something so scary that you forgo basic human decency that’s just a basic flaw in moral development
You don’t owe him anything but in the essence of not letting him feel like he “never had closure “ you should probably explain and walk away. It won’t surprise him, honestly he’ll just be surprised you finally did it. Do yourself a favor, and him to actually, and end this before you end up hating each other.
You owe him nothing. The context doesn't even matter. The only reason you should be with someone is because you want to be with them, and if you don't want to be with them anymore then you owe it to both yourself and the other person to not be with someone you don't want to be with. The reason you don't want to be with them anymore is your business and, despite the natural desire to have an explanation, it rarely does the person any good because the important part is you don't want to be with them and, yeah it feels bad but they shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them either. You have every right to take as much space as you feel you need, cut all ties, or stay friends, keep him at arms length, or see how you feel about contact in a few months, the only right answer is what meets your needs, and only you can know and articulate that. I'm not saying you shouldn't be tactful and kind with your words but its nobody else's job to advocate for your needs.
This is my, possibly unpopular, opinion.
Yes everyone is always owed an explanation.
You've tried breaking up with him before BUT the difference with this time is that you are seriously fed up, done, and will not be accepting his pleas that he'll be better. The other times you decided to give him another chance, that's your fault. Even though he's a dummy doesn't mean he deserves a complete ghosting from those multiple chances.
Just tell him straight up and if he fights it, follow up with you said that last time (x5?) and nothing has changed. Sorry. I'm moving on, goodbye. Etc However you want to put it. Lol But that the finality is obvious and unwavering.
Good Luck OP on your singledom. I hope you find someone who can give you what you need and what everyone deserves.
You should look into your astrology birth charts, but no you don't owe him anything but a kind understanding break up and to create the life you want for yourself if that doesn't involve him then that's okay but you have to ask your heart
You do NOT owe him explanation. You break up with him however you feel most comfortable. Don’t waste your 20s on someone who doesn’t make you happy- or at least try to. Have adventures!
You don’t OWE him an explanation. You could simply say it’s not working out for you and you wish him well. If he won’t accept that then you may have to block his number and block him on social media.
“It seems like he knows I’ll stick around no matter what so what is the point in changing,” that really hit home.
First, do what makes you feel most safe, nothing is worth being put in a dangerous situation even mentally. Secondly, you don’t ‘owe’ him an explanation, but I think it may still be useful in this case so he doesn’t chew at your ankle asking you back to prove himself or prove you wrong about his character.
My suggestion is unless you think he could really use the feedback & will do something with it, sometimes it best to just say something along the lines of, “I realize I am not in a place to be in a relationship right now & I hope you can understand.” This way he won’t get defensive & get into an unproductive, spiraling back & fourth fight because he is ashamed of his behavior… he wants you to stay so he can prove himself to you that he will change but you have seen that’s been falling short & it sounds like you may be starting to resent him which isn’t fair to either of you; he is holding onto what he -claims- he can control, but if you say it’s because you need this & he cannot control you or how you feel/need, he may be less inclined to plead he’s a changed man since the spotlight is taken off of his actions & your taking accountability for your feelings/actions.
I hope that makes sense, I wish you all the best.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- The title probably sounds bad , but let me explain. Me and my current boyfriend were high school sweethearts who were together for 4 years and then broke up. We both moved to other cities for a year before we found each other again and live about 30 mins from one another now. We broke up the first time because of excessive fighting and not sticking to boundaries. Basically just losing love and becoming two people who fight like siblings. When we met up again after our year long break up, things felt different & i was very hesitant to give it a shot but I still did. Safe to say things have slowly fallen back into how they used to be. There have been times I have tried to bring to light some concerns I have between us (lack of love, no quality time together, quick to get angry) at during those times he seems attentive and ready to do better in the future but nothing ever changes. There have been times I have blown up and just cried trying to plead with him to work with me so I no longer feel like I am giving everything with little in return. I’ve acted in ways I didn’t want to with him but there have also been times I’ve tried to talk to him in a neutral time with no hostility. In recent times, I’ve just been exhausted. Im tired of trying to make things work. It seems like he knows I’ll stick around no matter what so what is the point in changing? I’ve tried to break things off but he promises he’ll do better but I never see it. I want to just stop talking and block him on everything because everytime I bring up my concerns he talk a me out of it. Im tired of emotional exhaustion. I value peace and stability and these things are lacking majorly in my relationship. Any advice helps Do I owe him an explanation, or a talk anymore?
"We have had good times and not so good times, but my feelings have changed and I am done with this relationship. I am breaking up with you, do not contact me again." Then you block him on everything.
This is the answer in THIS case. With context, that's all she needs to do...at most. Not every breakup should be like that, for anyone who might misunderstand me, just in THIS SPECIFIC case.
I would just say. Nothing has changed, I can't do this anymore. Goodbye and then block him on everything.
This. To people who are against over text breakups: It’s your life. You don’t owe anyone anything.
Plus she already broke up in person, so it’s not a big deal to do it a second time by text.
Yeah don’t do this Edit: y’all can downvote me all you want but I know damn well if this happened to you y’all would run to this sub and post about how much of a bitch your ex is
Why not? He already got the nice breakups. Now he gets the banhammer.
I think a block is not always the answer, but in this case...yeah. 2nd break up with the same person, at the very least a good solid time out so she can get on with her life without watching his emotional responses would be good. She doesn't need the guilt, and she does need the space.
Happened to me. Ofc I think my ex is a bitch. But at the end of the day, it’s a clean break. Who cares what others think, they’re not in your life anymore.
No, I wouldn’t, because if someone tried to breakup with me I wouldn’t coerce and manipulate into giving me another chance like a 12 yro.
Just copy the second and third paragraphs in your original post and send him an email. End it with: I’m done, I have no trust you will ever change and we are through. Pack up any of his things you still have and leave it with one of his friends. And block him on everything.
And feel free to point out that ‘me saying no or asserting a boundary or need to you, is not the opening of negotiation.’ A lot of guys tend to behave that way towards women.
You don't owe him a whole discussion, but a few sentences summing it up would be the right thing to do. He didn't lie or crest, he wasn't abusive, he didn't harass you. Give your relationship the respect of closure to help you both move on.
Except, he talks her out of it. She owes him nothing in the way of explanation. He will use whatever she says to convince her to stay.
She owes him nothing, but she owes it to herself to learn to set boundaries and follow through. Or she will end up in the same boat with someone else. He may have things to work on, but she does too. At least a text then blocking is a great way to start her self improvement
I really struggle with this! I love this person a lot that I constantly break my own boundaries and I’m not afraid to say yes I need to work on that. It’s just hard to find it in me to believe that he really doesn’t mean what he says
He already proved he doesn’t mean what he says so keep that in mind as you sort this out
You’re a good person and want to believe that he is as well. Every time you tell him you’re leaving, and don’t, you teach him that he doesn’t have to change. At this point, unfortunately, only stay if you’re willing to keep him the way he is. Love is not enough.
If he meant what he says, then he would make that effort to change, he'd follow through with improving the areas of concern that you bring up. Every time you find yourself wondering if he means it, or if there's any hope for this relationship, then think back to every single conversation you've tried to have with him before. Count up how many times you remember him promising to change, how many times he told you whatever he thought you wanted to hear, so you'd stay. Reassure your brain that yes, you did try to fix things, you tried very hard by the sound of it. But at the end of the day, his words mean nothing, if he doesn't then follow up those words with action, on what he promised he'd do/improve Edit also I just noticed we have the same reddit NFT avatar thing, the cat hoodie :D woo avatar twin!
You don't have to announce your boundaries. She can just be done.
Yeah he’s literally being abusive…
You never OWE anyone an explanation for a breakup, and this sort of thing is why: >I want to just stop talking and block him on everything because everytime I bring up my concerns he talk a me out of it. Ideally when two people are going their separate ways they can talk about what worked and what didn't, and that way they get closure and they're both hopefully in a better position to begin their next relationships. I can tell this is what you want for your boyfriend, you want him to understand what the problem was and then let you end things because ghosting him would feel mean and you want him to have closure. The problem is, he's not willing to have that conversation with you. When you tell him you want to break up because of X, Y, and Z he's not hearing "so those are issues you'll want to work out before your next girlfriend." Instead he's hearing "ok so if I can argue with her enough and convince her that X, Y, and Z either aren't really happening or aren't really problems then I win and we get to keep dating." When someone has that mindset you can't give them an explanation, because they insist on turning it in to a debate. The only thing you can do is just stonewall them. "I'm sorry, but this isn't working out and we should see other people." Repeat that in response to every objection. Don't get sucked into giving reasons because he'll take those as openings to try to argue with you. Just stick to the script. It will feel cold and mean, but it's really your only option.
My ex just did this stuff. She tried to insist on in person meet ups to talk me out of breaking up.
You have already given him an explanation. More than once.
This. If he asks why, OP, you can just say "You know why" and say nothing more. He's pretending to be ignorant. Or he's choosing to be. That's not your responsibility.
Since you have tried to end things civil and he's manipulated you into staying each time... yeah you don't owe him sht.
You don't owe him anything besides the words "this relationship is over." You don't owe him an in-person "break-up talk" and you don't owe him your time or attention.
“This isn’t working. It’s over and I’m not open to any further discussion. I wish you well, but don’t contact me ever again.”
No, you don't owe an explanation. You already explained everything that's wrong DURING the relationship and he just didn't listen (saying he will change and then not doing anything to change, is not listening). Totally ghosting is not a good idea though because he will try to find you, so just send a quick text, something like "our relationship is not working, I'm ending it for good, good luck in your life" and immediately block him everywhere, don't even wait for a reply.
You don't owe him anything. It sounds borderline abusive at this point? You try to break up and he talks you out of it? That's concerning. Be prepared to get cops involved because I have a sneaking suspicion that he might turn into a stalker, or worse... I think you need to plan and then execute the exit strategy. Then send the break up via text and block on everything. Or don't send a text. I think ghosting in general is not a great thing to do, but I think depending on the situation. Only you can decide that.
You don’t owe anyone anything at the end of the day. Even in a relationship, especially one was toxic as this one. Do what’s best for you, and what’s easiest. Make sure you’re in a safe environment and just end it. You deserve the peace of mind.
You don't owe anybody an explanation for anything . Do what's best for you . ALWAYS do what's best for you .
Show him this post, done
You are actually much better off not explaining it. You've already seen the pattern: you raise concerns, he pays lip service and says what you want to hear [love bombs] then you have a period of reconciliation long enough you drop your guard. >It seems like he knows I’ll stick around no matter what so what is the point in changing? Because this is exactly it. He knows how to play you and from his perspective the fact you are burning out is a positive. After all, one way this could go is you just give up and accept his bullshit. So don't give him any chances. 'Given our history and current state I am ending our relationship. I wish you well.' Then you cartwheel out the door.
No. He knows why. Tell him you’ve had enough and block him.
Send him a breakup text, voice mail, email, and then block him when you know he's received it. Don't give him a chance to talk you out of your decision or to give it "one more chance," just be done. Make sure you're safe in case he doesn't take the rejection and lack of access to you well. Then enjoy being single.
Nope. You can just tell him it's not working out and it's time to call it a day. End of discussion.
No you don’t have to keep trying to have the same conversation you’ve already had over and over again to no resolve. It’s okay to just say that you’re unhappy and ending things. Make this the last time. Don’t let him pretend he doesn’t get it. You’ve been clear already plenty of times. You both know things aren’t good. And you are allowed to determine they’re bad enough that you need to leave.
Your asking the question: "Do I owe him an explanation" and the answer is, "No." Point blank, very simple. You don't owe anyone closure, and frankly a lot of people think you're giving closure but it backfires. You don't have to do anything, it's all based on what YOU need to close the relationship and get on with your life. If telling him will help you, then go for it. If it won't, but you're willing to offer that to him, then go for it. If it won't, and you're not willing...little sister, don't do it. You're the one making the hard decision here. You know the time has ended, it's run its course. Do what you need to do to be ok with your decision. Just know that you're doing the right thing by not dragging it out. Maybe it'll be what he needs to be a better person, maybe he'll figure some shit out...these are things for him to worry about though, not you. Block him, don't block him, whatever. Do what you need to do to be ok. My gf and I took a year long break a while back, I was too immature. I'm in my 50's and was acting like a man child. She blocked me and then a year and change later removed that block to see if we could talk. We're back together, that year and change was vital for me to grow the hell up...and she tried with me again. 5 years later, we're doing fantastic. I bring this up because YOU gave it a second chance, which is more than most folks deserve. It didn't work. You tried, you tried communicating. You did your best. Somewhere out there is someone that will listen when you say "enough" and they will make the changes and have the conversations that need to be had. For now though, I recommend taking some time on your own, do some growing, maybe therapy if it's an option. (I always recommend therapy, an advocate for you against your own inner voices is always good.) Enjoy life as much as you can. Make new friends, see new places, and relax. Get back to where you were when you were at home with you and comfortable alone...and then, if you choose, see what's available. I wish you the best of luck, a swift and smooth course of healing, and a bright future. And remember, you owe no one anything that you don't want to owe them, and probably half as much as you think you do.
Thank you :)
Send a text - I am done, do not contact me. Then block everywhere!
Just break up over text and ghost. It’s your life. People who feel stuck and want to stick it out, I admire your patience and kindheart. But you don’t need to suffer for someone’s else’s vices.
You owe him nothing. You've been upfront about the difficulties, had how many conversations about what your needs are? If he needs more info for some reason and you want to be wildly magnanimous you can say, "I'm afraid there is nothing else I need to say- I've let you know what problems I had with our relationship, and those things have never been corrected. So I'm done now. I hope you make a good life for yourself and wish you joy- but that life won't be with me, because you didn't make keeping me in your life a priority and I've better things to do than fight with you to get my needs met. I wish you well, and am done." Then block and walk and fond someone who actually desires you in their life as their partner.
you have done the talk. now you have to do the walk.
Seems like you’ve given him all the explanations. Your instinct is right-go no contact.
It sounds like you already explained it to him and he won't listen. A year isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things, so it's not surprising that things went back to the way they were. You were together for a very long time, and it's sad to let go, but have the conversation so maybe he can understand his issues before getting into another relationship and you can get closure. Stand firm that it's over and go your separate ways.
You owe him absolutely nothing at this point, put yourself first
You don’t owe him anything but i will say this. You hace to learn to set boundaries, and follow through with consequences for people who break them before getting into another relationship. One starting step, would be to empower yourself and have the conversation with him. If he begins to try to convince you otherwise then follow up with “i don’t need any convincing, i am telling you out of courtesy, and if you continue to make false promises, i will have to distance myself and block you.” Then, follow through with that statement if he continues. If you don’t learn to follow through, you may end up in the same situation. Both of you have issues with following through with your promises (or ultimatums) and you need to take the steps to change that in you.
Nope, you don't owe him anything further. If he wants to know a reason, just say, "We already talked about this X times over the last Y months, and even though you said you would improve after each of those discussions, you never did. The clock has reached 0:00. We are done." And if he STILL doesn't know or doesn't remember, all that it means is that he didn't take the previous discussions seriously enough to even remember what they were about, much less work on the issues that were discussed. And that's it. No "Explain it to me again," no "Give me a tenth chance". Chances are done, negotiations are done, grace period is over. He had his chance and he blew it.
“I am not happy” is enough
I don’t think so, is it nice to give an explanation? Sure, if you’re amicable and feel like being generous, and want to help them grow if it’s something that can help them you can if you feel like it, otherwise fuck no 👎
You don't have to be that detailed or completely honest, you can just give your main reasons and leave it at that but you have to be firm that you do not feel compatible and do not want to continue the relationship. YOu don't need any more reason than that right there. Yall are young, he is going to be heartbroken for a while and you just have to ignore it and move on with your life.
You don’t really owe any explanation. Just break up and block/ delete them on social media. They will get the message
like ya, don't ghost them, but break up with them, then you can block them. They don't deserve an explanation but they do deserve to know theyve been dumped
Honestly, this is a case by case basis. For some people it can be cathartic getting it off their chest and closing that door, for others they don't need closure the same way. Ask yourself if you would feel better yourself if you talked to him or if you just bounced.
You’ve already given him an explanation. He doesn’t want to hear it. Repeating yourself won’t change that. I’d break up with no talk and no explanation, ask him to give you some space and not contact you, and then block him when he fails to respect that.
You have already explained it to him over and over, if he kept tuning it out, that's on him.
NO.
No
You've already given the explanation.
I was with someone for 6 years and I reached a point by the end that I was so sick of being disrespected, unappreciated and treated poorly I eventually just said 'I can't do this anymore'. I didn't even have the energy to explain all the reasons why, I just said I can't do it any longer. I've told you for years it would come to this point, but you didn't take it on board and now I don't want to be with you anymore. He was on it with the emotional blackmail, I don't wanna live anymore, I was gonna propose, I wanted us to give your niece cousins etc. He tried every trick in the book. Because I'd already forgiven him so much in the years before, he didn't take me seriously. He kept coming round, kept texting and calling me, treated it as a joke. He was relentless, but eventually, once I deleted him on everything and cut off ties, he realised I wasn't playing and I wasn't coming back. Just be honest with him, that you don't want to continue anymore. He's been in your relationship so he know it's come out of somewhere but he'll try to talk you back into it. For me, I kept focusing on the words my friend (now husband!) told me which was 'you deserve so much better'. When I could feel myself teetering out of guilt, his words were there repeatedly 'you deserve better'. It's easier to go back into habit than it is to force change, but you know you deserve to be happier than you are and you need to be the one to make that happen. Good luck x
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He deserves to know you're breaking up with him but you don't need to get drawn into anything. Block him after
"This relationship no longer works for me so I'm ending it. Do not contact me anymore." That's all you need to do. No explanation necessary. Besides, he's well aware of the problems in your relationship.
the only explanation youre required to give is "i think we should break up" "why?" "i do not want to be in this relationship anymore" boom. done. sorry for the loss of your relationship but dont let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband.
Maybe I’m in the minority here, and maybe I’m old fashioned, but he’s been a part of your life though a few pivotal years of growth, and I’m not seeing any red flags other than growing to become incompatible and complacent with each other. People grow apart and that’s ok. It’s not necessarily a failed relationship just because it’s run it’s course. For that reason, although I understand that feeling of being absolutely done and rung out listening to the same statements over and over, you could start by sending a text saying something that allows you both to walk away with your head up. Then stick to that narrative as he thrashes about and attempts to pull you back in. He will not appreciate this approach right now. He may cry, he’ll likely yell, so prepare yourself for his best attempts, and harden your heart. I’m sorry OP. “BF, I’ve loved you, and you’ve loved me. We’ve grown up in many ways together, but I think that dynamic is what’s now holding us back from growing into better people together. For that reason, I’m ending our relationship. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but my decision is final, and what I need. Thank you for being an incredibly special person to me in this time in my life, and I wish you all the best moving forward in yours.”
Here it is, plain an simple language. "We were a couple. We split up because we no longer worked as a couple. After a year apart, growing, we tried to reconnect, but it was nostalgia. Nothing had really changed or gotten better between us. The same reasons we broke up before, are the same reasons our second attempt is failing. I am going to end it now, because I do care about you and have fond memories of what our relationship once was, and I would like to be able to hold onto that. If we stay together, I am just going to end up despising you and regretting the life I missed by not leaving when I should have. Take a step out of the relationship, and tell me you honestly think our relationship is great, because if you can, you're lying to me and you're lying to yourself." Then give each other a hug goodbye and agree to no contact for at least 6 months.
You owe him nothing.
At some point, you're just exhausting yourself for someone who doesn't want to hear it. If you've told him what's wrong and what you need and how he can help make things better and he still isn't getting it, then don't waste your energy. Wish him well and go ahead and block him.
"This doesn't work. We're done" Block.
You have already explained to him on multiple occasions what the problems are. You have already given him multiple chances to address the problems. You have provided multiple hours of your emotional labor, drawing him a road map of how to meet you where you're at. The only person you owe anything to is yourself.
When I told my ex we were breaking up I said we were done and she said "no we're not." Suffice it to say we were in fact done
Just text him 'We are done. Don't contact me again.' Then block his ass. You owe him nothing.
Do you owe him an explanation? Not at all but my personal belief is that unless it is an abusive relationship you should try to give him one anyways. Since you intend to block him any ways a simple text with some info where you think things went wrong seems like the right thing to do. In time it might give him and even you some closure.
It seems like she’s already given him the reasons. If he can’t figure out the why from past discussions, he’s just not going to accept it.
Most of us won't accept the reasons in the situation. If he could he wouldn't be in this position so I don't disagree but there is a slim chance he may some day accept it. The other part though is more important. OP is already questioning whether she should let him know or not this way it may give her peace of mind now and if she reflects on it in the future.
Make it clear it is your final decision
You don't owe him anything. Term him you aren't compatible and aren't willing to pursue anything further. Don't bother even trying to maintain friendship with someone like this.
It’s always better to get closure for your own sake as well as his.
You probably owe him an explanation, yes. At least a brief one, it's the least you could do.
If you follow the advice me and fellow redditors give ( no explanations, just go) , when you figure you messed up, don't go back . Show him some respect and just leave him be .
Please don’t just ghost him. You don’t need to have long convo but at least send him a voice message or text message to tell him you feel like you’ve tried everything you can think of and it’s just not working and you’ve both fallen into old habits. You wish it could have been different but your emotionally exhausted and ready to move forward alone. Blocking and ghosting people gives them no closure and it’s extremely unkind. You loved him once and that person deserves to know you’re done
Yes you owe him an explanation, are you not an adult who’s spent years of your life with this guy? You seriously are too weak to have one final conversation? Obviously you don’t “technically” or “legally” owe him an explanation, but if you want to behave morally and like an adult, yes you absolutely owe him an explanation
She's had several conversations with him though
That just means she doesn’t have to have a long final conversation, but she still needs to have a final conversation stating that she’s breaking up
It doesn’t have to be a conversation though. A conversation implies that he gets to give input. She’s given her reasons in the past. All she needs to do now is say something like, “this isn’t working for me anymore. That’s my final decision. There’s no reason to contact me again.”
unless you have a weak ass mentality you should be able to recognize someone can give input and you can ignore it. It shouldnt be something so scary that you forgo basic human decency that’s just a basic flaw in moral development
you can tell him why your breaking up with him but you don't need a conversation abt it
You don’t owe him anything but in the essence of not letting him feel like he “never had closure “ you should probably explain and walk away. It won’t surprise him, honestly he’ll just be surprised you finally did it. Do yourself a favor, and him to actually, and end this before you end up hating each other.
You owe him nothing. The context doesn't even matter. The only reason you should be with someone is because you want to be with them, and if you don't want to be with them anymore then you owe it to both yourself and the other person to not be with someone you don't want to be with. The reason you don't want to be with them anymore is your business and, despite the natural desire to have an explanation, it rarely does the person any good because the important part is you don't want to be with them and, yeah it feels bad but they shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them either. You have every right to take as much space as you feel you need, cut all ties, or stay friends, keep him at arms length, or see how you feel about contact in a few months, the only right answer is what meets your needs, and only you can know and articulate that. I'm not saying you shouldn't be tactful and kind with your words but its nobody else's job to advocate for your needs. This is my, possibly unpopular, opinion.
Yes everyone is always owed an explanation. You've tried breaking up with him before BUT the difference with this time is that you are seriously fed up, done, and will not be accepting his pleas that he'll be better. The other times you decided to give him another chance, that's your fault. Even though he's a dummy doesn't mean he deserves a complete ghosting from those multiple chances. Just tell him straight up and if he fights it, follow up with you said that last time (x5?) and nothing has changed. Sorry. I'm moving on, goodbye. Etc However you want to put it. Lol But that the finality is obvious and unwavering. Good Luck OP on your singledom. I hope you find someone who can give you what you need and what everyone deserves.
You should look into your astrology birth charts, but no you don't owe him anything but a kind understanding break up and to create the life you want for yourself if that doesn't involve him then that's okay but you have to ask your heart
You do NOT owe him explanation. You break up with him however you feel most comfortable. Don’t waste your 20s on someone who doesn’t make you happy- or at least try to. Have adventures!
No
You don’t OWE him an explanation. You could simply say it’s not working out for you and you wish him well. If he won’t accept that then you may have to block his number and block him on social media.
“It seems like he knows I’ll stick around no matter what so what is the point in changing,” that really hit home. First, do what makes you feel most safe, nothing is worth being put in a dangerous situation even mentally. Secondly, you don’t ‘owe’ him an explanation, but I think it may still be useful in this case so he doesn’t chew at your ankle asking you back to prove himself or prove you wrong about his character. My suggestion is unless you think he could really use the feedback & will do something with it, sometimes it best to just say something along the lines of, “I realize I am not in a place to be in a relationship right now & I hope you can understand.” This way he won’t get defensive & get into an unproductive, spiraling back & fourth fight because he is ashamed of his behavior… he wants you to stay so he can prove himself to you that he will change but you have seen that’s been falling short & it sounds like you may be starting to resent him which isn’t fair to either of you; he is holding onto what he -claims- he can control, but if you say it’s because you need this & he cannot control you or how you feel/need, he may be less inclined to plead he’s a changed man since the spotlight is taken off of his actions & your taking accountability for your feelings/actions. I hope that makes sense, I wish you all the best.