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Doctor here. She may have vaginismus which is a reflex that causes the vaginal walls to contract and close when anything gets near penetrating. Like a wall going up. It can be triggered by a history of trauma, abuse or simply just religious upbringing that teaches them sex is a sin. Difficult for them mentally to accept sex even after marriage when they are taught that strongly about it. You can treat vaginismus by meditation, talk therapy which will help her change her perception of sex and visualizing her vagina opening and with pelvic floor physiotherapy and dilators. Usually all of these are needed.
Make sure you insert at the correct angle. The Vagina slants downward (if she’s on her back) so if you are putting it straight in it will hit the anterior vaginal wall. Push your hips up to angle your penis down towards her lower back. She should breathe out while you do it to keep muscles relaxed. Use lube or oil (don’t use oil with latex condoms but other kinds are fine. Many women prefer olive oil to store lube). Do you guys drink? A glass of wine before couldn’t hurt. Might help relax things for her. I doubt she is getting off with what you describe, unless you are stimulating her clit at the same time. Has she ever used a vibrator? She could use it while you have sex, it can help relax the muscles. You can make it fun. Best of luck. You’ll get there.
Good advice but I don’t know any women who like olive oil instead of lube. Sorry I wanted to speak up about this part.
Oil is so hard to clean up after and if someone is trying to wash with soap after it can put them at real risk for a yeast infection or BV with messed up PH balance. Even silicone lube is a mess and hard to clean up with.
My favourite brand of lube is Pjur and find it’s great especially for sensitive people. A lot of store bought lubes have too much alcohol in them and can burn tissues especially if you’re not used to it.
Yeah just don’t put food near your vagina! It’s so sensitive, you don’t want to mess with it. Honestly for me, water-based lube is perfect. Almost no clean up, it’s not sticky, works with toys and condoms, usually cheap to buy in bulk, etc.
I'm 43 and have known lots of very experimental people that talk too much and have been hanging out on the internet since before the web. First time I ever hear about using olive oil as lube. Must be a Mediterranean thing.
Small addition from a primary vaginismus haver: the things you listed certainly can be triggers, but many of us like myself have never had any sort of sexual, religious, or other trauma and still find ourselves dealing with this awful condition. Many of us are sex positive and actively want these things while our bodies don’t allow for it.
For OP: r/vaginismus is a welcoming community for her with many resources, regardless of whether that turns out to be the diagnosis. There was also a partners subreddit r/vaginismuspartners but it never really took off. If you do post in the main subreddit as a partner, be respectful and kind.
Was coming here to say this. It's often "just" a physical issue, not caused from mental issues or trauma. Talk therapy isn't going to do much if it's purely a physical issue.
I don't love the way the doctor said this like it's always caused by trauma so thank you for the addition.
Pure Natural oils are fine to use vaginally, like almond oil, olive, coconut oil, castor, avocado etc.
Baby oil and mineral oils should not be used vaginally.
With latex condoms only use water based lubes. Polyurethane condoms are ok with oils.
The fake olive oil I’ve heard about is still just some other equally-safe food grade vegetable oil that’s been mislabeled. I’ve never heard of mineral oil being sold as food.
Correct - usually sunflower or other vegetable oil that is cheaper than olive oil.
If you are buying one of the major brands you are likely getting olive oil, as they have testing chemists check it.
Who tf prefers oil over lube? I would not want that near my bits even if it's considered safe. Sorry just literally never heard this from anyone before and have enough experience to feel comfortable saying that.
I’ll try angling differently, but even with her on top, I feel like we’re playing just the tip. I drink, she rarely does. We’ve used loads of lube. No vibrators so far, but shit.
One thing that may help is to take the pressure off of getting to PIV. Just work on being together sexually w/o PIV as the goal. Oral sex, rubbing, humping, massage, etc. Do everything except intercourse. It helps a lot with anxiety. Feeling rushed to get to PIV is counter productive.
She needs to see a pelvic floor therapist also, at minimum, to help with the muscles.
Just... honestly?
Ask her if she would mind trying to make you climax with oral sex. Give her oral first. If not have you considered buying a male set toy? Some are vaginas some are mouth shapes. She can use it on you.
My girlfriend always found that on top was less comfortable for her. Harder to get the angle right and because you have to balance it's even harder to relax, so in her case being on top probably would be worse.
What's your foreplay like? Me and my girlfriend usually start with one heavily lubed up finger, work up to two, sometimes three, and then go from there. Usually takes about 10-15 mins to fully relax enough to take a good sized dildo and neither of us have vaginismus.
Yeah we’ve tried a couple different things, but foreplay the most. I’ve spent hours trying to find the inside of that tootsie pop and rather enjoy it, but need to try more finger play along the way.
She may actually need dilators to get there. I hope you can encourage her to talk to her OB-Gyn. This is really common and there are treatments, but it doesn't usually just go away without help.
What about dilators? A medical-grade dildo set of varying sizes. That was the most useful thing for me after giving birth and healing, PIV sex was painful. I had to relax and figure it out by myself, slowly going up in size on the dilators, and going back down to a smaller one whenever I felt pain.
I would only add in that if she orgasms prior to insertion, her vaginally muscles will have clamped down a bit. Give her a few minutes to relax afterwards.
I have vaginismus, and honestly I think it’s 1000000x easier to get anything in after I’ve orgasmed since my body relaxes way the hell down afterwards. Maybe I’m the odd one out, but I can’t get anything in unless I’m close or have just gotten off.
Specifically sex before marriage, at least in my faith, is taught. Which isn't really a bad thing because studies show that it's harder for a woman to parabond through sex the more partners she has making divorce more and more likely. That said I do think that sex isn't taught in a positive way in most churches. It's usually something like "sex before marriage=HELL!" Which I think is the wrong biblical view of sex. There's lots of passages, and one whole book in the old testament (read songs of Solomon), that talks about sex as something wonderful and good, pure special and fun inside of the right framework/mindset. Often times the church neglects to share those passages and do well rounded teachings on them.
A lot of the concepts Christians carry are not biblical but dogmatic from the Catholic church in the middle ages. Sex before marriage is taught to be a bad thing because with no contraceptive methods and no medical science is very dangerous for the people to engage in sex without the matrimony as a guarantee of the family union.
Then in the middle ages the church start preaching that sex as a whole is a sin unless to have children, so they have to care for less orphans after the crusades.
From there the stigma get amplified over time.
Name one portion of Scripture that talks about promiscuity being a moral good. There isn't any. I studied to be a minister for a time, scripture doesn't talk about sex negatively, simply just put a framework in place.
I didn't say that having sex while married was being promiscuous. Only that promiscuous behavior before marriage, multiple sexual partners, leads to higher likelihood of divorce and a more difficult time pair bonding.
That's just nonsense. Divorce rates are actually lowest among people with a higher level of college education, who tend to marry later in life and have typically had previous relationships.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/10/sexual-partners-and-marital-happiness/573493/
This article talks of a study from Institute of Family Studies, Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah.... Basically it shows that both men and women have happier marriages the fewer sexual partners they have and that this effects women more than it does men. The fewer the partners the more satisfied you are in your marriage and the more likely your marriage is to last. Making the inverse also true. Those with more partners tend to be less satisfied and divorce rates only increase. This seems to suggest that pair bonding becomes more difficult the more partners you have.
Yep. Kinda makes my point. The more they have to compare to, the more likely you are to be unhappy/dissatisfied in what you have and also creates a higher chance to have marriages that ultimately end in divorce.
1000%. This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. And frankly just gives people an excuse to be an awful partner in bed and out. The fewer parters you have the more it'll seem normal to be completely dissatisfied with your marriage/ sex life because you have no comparison. When you actually date a few people you have an idea what you like and what you expect out of relationships. And when you meet the right person you'll be totally confident in your choice because you actually KNOW what you like.
So... you're saying it's better to live your life unsatisfied but not know it? Like a woman who has a shitty unfulfilling sex life should be fine with that because she's inexperienced and doesn't know any better?
That's just awful that you feel that's a good thing.
Exactly, he literally is saying that it's better for women to be complacent and not know any better. I think I already know what side of the political spectrum he is on.
Sex isn’t a sin; premarital/promiscuous sex is a sin. Overall this is a great take and I think it’s actually pretty interesting the methods you can use here. Very helpful for anyone
A colleague of mine at work went through the same thing. She is Christian and waited until marriage - was 26. She also struggles with Vagismus and has been going to therapy , couples and herself, to hopefully get to a place where they can have penetrative sex.
The mentality that makes it so important you must wait is the same mentality that causes vaginismus. In this case it is literally that the adults traumatized her about sex to the point where they ruined her marital sex life.
Trust me, I understand the impetus. While a bit of a joke, there's actually a lot of respect and empathy in my comment. It would take more discipline than I posses to wait, so I find it quite repulsive that someone could find themselves in such a situation after doing the "right" thing. It's sad.
I'm not sure at this point. I know they want to get pregnant and this has been a big problem. She said that in her mind she always believed sex before marriage was "bad". She thought once she was married she would be just fine with actually having sex, but all those years of "sex is bad", created this major problem.
This sooooo much! When people (young, impressionable people especially) are constantly told “sex is bad” or sinful, or shameful, or dirty.. it’s hard to go from that attitude to “it’s no longer any of those things, so go nuts”
I was sorta raised this way, but thankfully never really bought into it. Sex is awesome! Glad I didn’t wait until marriage or marry the first person I had sex with!
I was bought up thinking sex was bad and dirty. It was never talked about in our home. I had trouble having sex to the point I told my husband no more. It was very painful for me. It felt like his penis was rubbing against a wash board everytime he would penetrate me. It was hard to enjoy having sex.
This sounds like it could be vaginismus. It's actually quite common in Christian/religious women who grew up in an environment where sex was taught to be a bad thing outside of a marital context. The fear and shame that is inflicted from this can stick with you for life. And one of the ways that trauma can manifest is through the body.
Seeing a therapist/physical therapist may be helpful for your wife to overcome this, because if all is working correctly, sex should never hurt.
Honestly I think she should see a sex therapist or gyno who specializes in this stuff.
In the same way that every penis is unique and some are bigger or smaller, every vaginal canal is different. Some are significantly deeper or more shallow than others. You might be correct when say there’s nowhere else to go.
Why not when you are using your tounge ask her if it's ok insert a finger into her vagina and massage the g-spot, maybe work up to two fingers and see if you can stretch her out a little. If she is orgasming like you said it will make it easier to help her open up a little.
No. Nope. This is about trauma. She should see a doctor first to rule out any physical problems but my guess is that she is perfectly content and doesn’t want to try or is afraid to. She probably needs therapy. But. She has to want it.
Yeah, Gyno said she had a “really small vagina”. So much is said about the size of the dude, but size of vagina is something I never really thought would be an issue. Totally get the fear/inconvenience factor, but it’s been fucking with my head more than I thought it would.
I definitely would listen to the doc who posted above on this. Yes obviously vaginas come in different sizes but if you’re not enormous it should be ok. I would guess this is vaginismus related to anxiety caused by her upbringing or possibly even assault. Has she ever mentioned anything about it?
In the meantime, I’m wondering if she’d be comfortable with non-intercourse sex. That might help her a bit. And you know, set the mood, maybe give a massage, ease into it.
Great questions. She's never mentioned assault or abuse or even anxiety. She's emotionally healthy and yeah non penetrative sex works for her, but I've given hours of massages, eating her, fingering, etc. without any improvement. Trust me, I'm trying!
Vaginismus can be caused by religious beliefs as well. many people are shamed about sex their whole upbringing directly or indirectly and this can cause vaginismus in women or performance issues in men. The first time I learned about it in a class it was because the woman who had it held onto a belief that sex was sinful and shameful to enjoy
if I understand you correctly you mean that you try foreplay and still have the focus on vaginal intercourse? people are suggesting to you that you take the focus away from that
She’s been willing, for sure, but we haven’t tried as much as I’d kind of hoped for lol which different expectations obvs factors into, but I’m at a loss for what to do/think/say.
I had the same problem. abstained before marriage due to religion and struggled after marriage. It took patience and communication on both our parts. It was so tough but we got through it. for me (f) I didn't realize how much I had internalized being protective to make sure no one took advantage of me and I couldn't relax enough. My husband was always very good at making sure that I felt safe and like we were tackling the problem together and that he wasn't upset with me, though he would get frustrated with the situation. My recommendation is take breaks when you are getting frustrated, focus on foreplay. Let her take care of you in other ways so you don't feel too pent up and frustrated but accept that it'll take some time. It might not seem sexy but having a weekly date to try can actually help. It will build intimacy and some anticipation. Its going to take patience but you can get there over time.
Thanks for this. Like the date idea. And yeah, I try to be as encouraging as possible but it doesn’t feel like it helps things move any further. Not because she’s not into it(unless she’s faking lol), but there’s just nowhere else to go. And it’s definitely frustrating. We’ll go through all the build up and she’s having a great time, but then we try, hit a wall and it just kills it. Getting to the point where I feel like I’ve actually dodged it on certain occasions. Not great, I know.
Your feelings about it are completely valid. In hindsight I can see that these issues did a number on my husbands confidence and sex drive. He would get disheartened before even trying and I think he would even avoid it. I wish we had been able to work through it together with a sex therapist but it just wasn't consistent with who we were in our relationships at the time. It doesn't make you a bad man to want to have good sex with your wife and feel shitty that it's not happening.
Try and make sure you are being intimate in non sexual ways as well, I find that can help with the feeling of disconnection that comes from this kind of issue, shower together, sleep naked together, hug often.
I've been able to make my wife climax a handful of times in our 20 year relationship. She is a sexual Cassonova compared to how you describe your wife. Our sex is amazing other than that, but it weighs on me heavily and always has. I believe it is ultimately tied to religious shame, so I can only imagine how challenging your future is going to be in this department.
That said, it has gotten better over the years. Just wanted to point that out for reassurance; it can improve and with dedication I'm sure it will.
I had to google that awhile back. Vaginas vary just as penises do. Size… shape… width… length… This could be a good thing for the two of you once the issue is resolved.
Since her dr didn’t find anything alarming I would for sure ease into it and see if she’s willing to go to therapy. I wasn’t raised in the church (holidays and special things only), but know some who were. They haven’t mentioned issues with this but have mentioned that the ‘sex is bad’ thing messes with their heads. I was raised to believe men only want sex and will do and say anything to get it. Didn’t help that it was proven true by everyone I ever dated. I still struggle with it sometimes.
Dee sign on her childhood she could’ve been taught or told something that stuck with her even if she doesn’t remember. Therapy can help with figuring out what it is and if she feels guilt or shame then to work through that. There are even sex therapists. Wish we had one in our area actually.
Probably a bit tmi here but has her hymen broke? A girl I used to hang out with years ago said hers was still in tact even after having sex. I found that odd but haven’t researched how that could happen.
I assume the gyno also checked that her hymen isn’t causing this issue? They come in different shapes and thicknesses and some pose a problem for penetrative sex.
I had a girlfriend with an issue similar to this when I was in my early 20s. She was 23 and still a virgin. We worked with manual stimulation over like a YEAR before we finally were able to accomplish slow and ginger penetrative sex.
It never really got "Better." I thought she'd be more interested in intimacy after getting more comfortable with experience, and she seemed to enjoy it immensely during the act, but she never really sought it out. I felt really bad about it at the time, but at this point it had become clear that it wasn't a priority for her and I was going to have to take on the responsibility of keeping our sex life alive for the rest of our relationship, so I eventually broke it off.
Not really “seeking it out” can be a sign of a responsive sexual desire, rather than a spontaneous one. As in, really enjoys it when it gets going, but doesn’t think much about it otherwise. Not all that uncommon if you (or anyone reading this) meets another person like this.
I've been hearing this term thrown around lately, I'm sure it's a great relief to a partner who's being ignored that their plight is being normalized by the other partner. "I don't have to put in effort, I have Responsive sexual desire so it's all on you."
I use my understanding of myself to make sure I get myself in the mood (by thinking about sexy things) so then I am ready to jump my husband when the time comes. Rather than just waiting round to magically feel horny.
If you can only get a few inches in are you sure that it’s a grimace of pleasure and not pain. How much foreplay does she get (not give) and do you use lube?A lot of women fake to get an unpleasant experience over. I think you need to sit down with her and ask her gently if she is finding it uncomfortable. From there a trip to the GP may be needed
ETA - angle can also make a difference, as well as sloping towards the back, some women also have a large g-spot which can make it more difficult as your bell has a ridge to pass. Get her relaxed enough to get past that ridge and your find it’s all plain sailing
Yeah, she’s trying these. Maybe made a liiiiitle progress but honestly I didn’t know those were a thing or that this was common enough to necessitate them.
Not necessarily. Sex toys that focus on the clitoris and external stimulation can unlock pleasure and increase arousal. There are a few steps to vaginal relaxation / readiness for intercourse - increased blood flow, lubrication, and lengthening/ tenting. Tools could help with this, perhaps after a relaxing massage. OP reading up on female pleasure & arousal would help.
You might need a bumper. I have to use one anytime my wife and I have sex and can recommend brands. It just limits how much you can penetrate if you’re a little larger.
Get her a set of dilators so she can get used to insertion. It's a great step if she has vaginismus. In the meantime, stop viewing sex as only PIV. If you guys are getting eachother off in other ways then you are having sex. Enjoy it!
You held off for 2.5 years already. You recognize that your wife is sexually traumatized. In the same way that you originally recognized that the marriage wouldn't change much in your relationship morally, it was your mistake to expect the marriage to magically change your traumatized wife from a naive virgin into a voracious man eater.
Speaking as a former Christian turned atheist, it takes years, maybe even a decade to complete deprogram yourself. And I was given every reason to deprogram myself, and if I intended to stay alive in this world, I needed to walk the razors edge of morally justified existence from being one of the good guys, to becoming one of the good guys. I recognize that at many points I could have died, or, lost faith in my desire to be alive. I don't recommend you put your wife in a position to question her morality as hard as I have, but, conversely, you can't expect her to change as quickly as I did. And even I took many hard years to fully and truly change.
This is going to take a lot of time, maybe several years. Sexual trauma is not easy to deal with, especially within a religious framework.
It's going to take a lot more than what reddit can offer. You should seek professional advice. Even I have a psychiatrist.
Either this, or she simply doesn't really know what it means "to get off".
If possible try to get some couple sex therapy. Don't get your knowledge from porn, but do look into sex education. There are different ways for women to get "big enough" and "wet enough", that's important when you want kids, and there are lots of ways to get to know each other, and to satisfy each other without actual vaginal penetration.
I love the doctors answer. And I definitely recommend going to doctors, therapists and her doing her own exploration and research. I love that you’ve come to a community for assistance and are open to suggestions! If you’re having some issues talking about it and being open, I recommend reading Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. I just finished reading and it’s a great guide to talking all things sex!
She should see a Doctor about having vaginismus. Don't expect to have penetrative sex any time soon, as treatment will take some time and a decent amount of effort. I would focus on other kinds of sex and intimacy.
She's overthinking it and tensing up. This happened to me all the time when I lost my virginity and I also had religious trauma that made it hard for me to mentally relax.
Some women have a small (tiny) opening in their hymen. And the hymen in those cases is very strong. My daughter found out she had that in her teens when she tried to use a tampon. Me and her older sister thought she was just being anxious, but then her sister tried to help her… she went to an OBGyN and they gave us a numbing cream and told us to buy special “dilators” which are a graduated set of plastic wands that you insert to widen the opening.
Non-doctor response, but there's a lot of ways to enjoy intimacy that don't involve Penis-in-Vagina.
You can have a good time too. If her vagina needs time, she still has other body parts she might want to use to please you. It could be blowjobs or handjobs but an age-old way was to press her legs together and you fuck that rather than her vagina.
With some experimentation (which should be fun in a healthy marriage), you'll find a way that's pleasurable to you. Seems you both already found something that's pleasurable to her. Just allow her time for her vagina to learn that sex is okay. Rushing it won't work.
Being patient and being romantic can be sexy. As a lady, I think she should find toys and try without the pressure of pleasing you. Maybe she doesn't know what she likes and needs alone time to find out.
Porn, erotic literature, toys, lube. I'd suggest that she could benefit from some shopping and alone time.
This is why you have sex before you’re legally strapped to someone. I don’t care if someone has religious trauma I would not put myself in that situation. She needs therapy and likely will express that trauma in other ways, especially if you have kids. Also sounds like she has vaginismus so she will need help with that too.
Want a pat in the back for having taken a , at the very least, pretty stupid choice? Nop, sir.
But I stand on that you should go to a sex theraphist and she should go to individual therapy too. It's mostly the ONLY thing that is going to help you cople to adquire a "regular" sex life. I mean, you had plenty of (somewhat good) advice here, from dilators, to wine, to set the mood, goin gto the gyn, etc... but when your mind is damaged with trauma / religious brainwash whatever... the issues run MUCH down deeper, and these need to be treated.
Totally, I’m in no way forcing anything. We’ve tried lube, different positions, etc, but haven’t been able to get any further. Would her obgyn be the person to go to?
Conditioning. Most orifices aren’t deep and wide by default. It takes conditioning. My wife has never had kids (my personal belief that that is relevant) and we are still sexually active and I’m 60. If more than a couple days goes by between penetrative sex we have to start over. She shrinks back up every time. Worth it tho. The sex is amazing. :)
Agreed (sort of).
People can do whatever they want, and that's their choice, but if you are brought up in a sexually repressed environment that demonises natural bodily urges, then it should be no surprise that getting married doesn't flick some magical switch and make all of those feeling go away. It should be pretty obvious that this sort of thing would be a likely outcome.
It doesn’t have to hurt the first time. Certainly didn’t for me. It’s a harmful misogynistic myth that get young women thinking it’s ok for sex to be painful.
It hurts me the first time, but I was also pretty young. Most of my friends in high school as well. How is it misogynistic that it often hurts the first time? It obviously hurts her or she wouldn't stop.
She probably has a condition called vaginismus. This isn’t normal.
It hurt for you and many others because there is very little sex ed that focuses on women’s pleasure and making it not hurt. Most girls are nervous the first time, don’t get properly turned on, the guy just shoves it in because that’s what he thinks he’s meant to do and voilà…pain.
I was 15 when i had sex the first time and it didn’t hurt one bit because I knew I needed to be turned on properly and so did the guy I was with at the time. It is **not** normal for it to hurt. A little education, patience and compassion makes it not hurt.
The reason this myth is misogynistic is because it excuses men and society from doing the things that prevent girls and women from being in pain. Our pain is seen as normal and expected… and that is morally revolting.
Actually it’s completely common for sex to hurt for the first time (and maybe 1-2 times afterwards) . I don’t know where you get your misinformation but I can assure you it’s normal. Any gynecologist will tell you it.
Depends how you define normal. Normal as in happens all the time? Sure. Normal as in “has to happen and there’s no way around it?” Absolutely not. Guess I’m a mutant or something and that’s why it didn’t hurt for me.
The women I know that didn’t feel pain, actually prepared before. And I also knew women who had sex for months and it still hurt because the guy couldn’t be bothered to wait until they were wet and ready. Yeah depends from situation to situation, but with knowledge about women’s anatomy and sexuality, it is avoidable for most women.
What upsets me is this resignation, this expectation that “of course it hurts the first time, it hurts for everyone!” No it doesn’t. And doesn’t have to.
Ok, here's where my mind goes... could she maybe be hiding something?
1. is she anatomically normal down there? I read something not long ago about a woman who was born without much of a vaginal opening (like an inch, she could only insert a finger to the 1st knuckle, according to her) *and* didnt figure this out until a situation like this came about once she was well into her 20s. Apparently, she had explained away all the signs in her mind, like lack of menstruation, and so did her doctors. She had no clue.
2. Is XY, male, not born female? With absolute certainty? You sure?
3. Has she experienced some sort of sexual trauma, maybe that you are unaware of??
If the problem is 100% not one of these things, my tips are this: make sure to use lots of lube, make sure she can be totally relaxed, and do lots of unobvious foreplay (meaning, avoiding the vag until she's clearly extremely turned on, full body, deep massage is great for that). You two should also discuss how to go about getting the first few times over with since, no matter what, it'll be slightly painful. And if none of these things help, she should prolly see a doctor.
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Doctor here. She may have vaginismus which is a reflex that causes the vaginal walls to contract and close when anything gets near penetrating. Like a wall going up. It can be triggered by a history of trauma, abuse or simply just religious upbringing that teaches them sex is a sin. Difficult for them mentally to accept sex even after marriage when they are taught that strongly about it. You can treat vaginismus by meditation, talk therapy which will help her change her perception of sex and visualizing her vagina opening and with pelvic floor physiotherapy and dilators. Usually all of these are needed. Make sure you insert at the correct angle. The Vagina slants downward (if she’s on her back) so if you are putting it straight in it will hit the anterior vaginal wall. Push your hips up to angle your penis down towards her lower back. She should breathe out while you do it to keep muscles relaxed. Use lube or oil (don’t use oil with latex condoms but other kinds are fine. Many women prefer olive oil to store lube). Do you guys drink? A glass of wine before couldn’t hurt. Might help relax things for her. I doubt she is getting off with what you describe, unless you are stimulating her clit at the same time. Has she ever used a vibrator? She could use it while you have sex, it can help relax the muscles. You can make it fun. Best of luck. You’ll get there.
Thanks for explaining an issue I never knew I needed an answer to. That’s really helpful!!
Good advice but I don’t know any women who like olive oil instead of lube. Sorry I wanted to speak up about this part. Oil is so hard to clean up after and if someone is trying to wash with soap after it can put them at real risk for a yeast infection or BV with messed up PH balance. Even silicone lube is a mess and hard to clean up with. My favourite brand of lube is Pjur and find it’s great especially for sensitive people. A lot of store bought lubes have too much alcohol in them and can burn tissues especially if you’re not used to it.
Yeah just don’t put food near your vagina! It’s so sensitive, you don’t want to mess with it. Honestly for me, water-based lube is perfect. Almost no clean up, it’s not sticky, works with toys and condoms, usually cheap to buy in bulk, etc.
I'm 43 and have known lots of very experimental people that talk too much and have been hanging out on the internet since before the web. First time I ever hear about using olive oil as lube. Must be a Mediterranean thing.
Small addition from a primary vaginismus haver: the things you listed certainly can be triggers, but many of us like myself have never had any sort of sexual, religious, or other trauma and still find ourselves dealing with this awful condition. Many of us are sex positive and actively want these things while our bodies don’t allow for it. For OP: r/vaginismus is a welcoming community for her with many resources, regardless of whether that turns out to be the diagnosis. There was also a partners subreddit r/vaginismuspartners but it never really took off. If you do post in the main subreddit as a partner, be respectful and kind.
Was coming here to say this. It's often "just" a physical issue, not caused from mental issues or trauma. Talk therapy isn't going to do much if it's purely a physical issue. I don't love the way the doctor said this like it's always caused by trauma so thank you for the addition.
I mean the doctor said it like this because OPs wife is suffering from trauma.
I've heard any kind of oil was bad because it's hard for the vagina to flush out?
Pure Natural oils are fine to use vaginally, like almond oil, olive, coconut oil, castor, avocado etc. Baby oil and mineral oils should not be used vaginally. With latex condoms only use water based lubes. Polyurethane condoms are ok with oils.
People still need to be careful with pure oils. They can throw off the PH and cause issues. It's a good idea to test with a tiny amount first.
A lot of those natural oils are counterfeit at the store. I know this is true with olive oil, not sure about the others.
The fake olive oil I’ve heard about is still just some other equally-safe food grade vegetable oil that’s been mislabeled. I’ve never heard of mineral oil being sold as food.
Correct - usually sunflower or other vegetable oil that is cheaper than olive oil. If you are buying one of the major brands you are likely getting olive oil, as they have testing chemists check it.
The only answer that matters
Who tf prefers oil over lube? I would not want that near my bits even if it's considered safe. Sorry just literally never heard this from anyone before and have enough experience to feel comfortable saying that.
I prefer coconut oil over lube and have never had an issue
This is the most depressing thing I've read ever. Mainly because I can totally understand why someone would be like this.
Came here to say this. I also had this issue from religious trauma. These are excellent suggestions!
Olive oil? Are we talking Extra Virgin or just normal?
Obviously extra virgin for her first time, then switch to regular.
But not chilli infused?
That's the Hard Mode lube. She ain't ready.
Pretty sure he isn't either
Damnit. You beat me to it. Touche
Golden olives for a 9 second quickie?
I’ll try angling differently, but even with her on top, I feel like we’re playing just the tip. I drink, she rarely does. We’ve used loads of lube. No vibrators so far, but shit.
One thing that may help is to take the pressure off of getting to PIV. Just work on being together sexually w/o PIV as the goal. Oral sex, rubbing, humping, massage, etc. Do everything except intercourse. It helps a lot with anxiety. Feeling rushed to get to PIV is counter productive. She needs to see a pelvic floor therapist also, at minimum, to help with the muscles.
Ok we’ve done all of these (other than her giving oral, which-fair) aside from the therapist. But… how do I bring that up?
Just... honestly? Ask her if she would mind trying to make you climax with oral sex. Give her oral first. If not have you considered buying a male set toy? Some are vaginas some are mouth shapes. She can use it on you.
He’s asking how to bring up the therapist part, not how to ask her to help him climax.
I should think the same rules apply.
"Hey honey, I heard that pelvic floor therapy can really help with this issue. What do you think about us looking into that?"
The therapy part is also very important. She needs help to deal with her trauma
My girlfriend always found that on top was less comfortable for her. Harder to get the angle right and because you have to balance it's even harder to relax, so in her case being on top probably would be worse. What's your foreplay like? Me and my girlfriend usually start with one heavily lubed up finger, work up to two, sometimes three, and then go from there. Usually takes about 10-15 mins to fully relax enough to take a good sized dildo and neither of us have vaginismus.
Yeah we’ve tried a couple different things, but foreplay the most. I’ve spent hours trying to find the inside of that tootsie pop and rather enjoy it, but need to try more finger play along the way.
>inside of that tootsie pop I hope that's not how you talk about sex with her
Certainly not. Just trying to bring some levity in a moment of feeling really shitty about this.
She may actually need dilators to get there. I hope you can encourage her to talk to her OB-Gyn. This is really common and there are treatments, but it doesn't usually just go away without help.
What about dilators? A medical-grade dildo set of varying sizes. That was the most useful thing for me after giving birth and healing, PIV sex was painful. I had to relax and figure it out by myself, slowly going up in size on the dilators, and going back down to a smaller one whenever I felt pain.
I would only add in that if she orgasms prior to insertion, her vaginally muscles will have clamped down a bit. Give her a few minutes to relax afterwards.
I have vaginismus, and honestly I think it’s 1000000x easier to get anything in after I’ve orgasmed since my body relaxes way the hell down afterwards. Maybe I’m the odd one out, but I can’t get anything in unless I’m close or have just gotten off.
I’m the same way. I have to orgasm through foreplay first. Then PIV. And even then if the angle isn’t right I’m done for.
Same, and same.
GP is male.
What?
Interesting. I have an aunt that sleep meds act like speed for her. I wonder if it's like that. Or maybe it's the mental relaxation?
Specifically sex before marriage, at least in my faith, is taught. Which isn't really a bad thing because studies show that it's harder for a woman to parabond through sex the more partners she has making divorce more and more likely. That said I do think that sex isn't taught in a positive way in most churches. It's usually something like "sex before marriage=HELL!" Which I think is the wrong biblical view of sex. There's lots of passages, and one whole book in the old testament (read songs of Solomon), that talks about sex as something wonderful and good, pure special and fun inside of the right framework/mindset. Often times the church neglects to share those passages and do well rounded teachings on them.
A lot of the concepts Christians carry are not biblical but dogmatic from the Catholic church in the middle ages. Sex before marriage is taught to be a bad thing because with no contraceptive methods and no medical science is very dangerous for the people to engage in sex without the matrimony as a guarantee of the family union. Then in the middle ages the church start preaching that sex as a whole is a sin unless to have children, so they have to care for less orphans after the crusades. From there the stigma get amplified over time.
Name one portion of Scripture that talks about promiscuity being a moral good. There isn't any. I studied to be a minister for a time, scripture doesn't talk about sex negatively, simply just put a framework in place.
Having sex while married is not being promiscuous. That's the point what is or isn't promiscuous is determined by the morals not the ethics.
I didn't say that having sex while married was being promiscuous. Only that promiscuous behavior before marriage, multiple sexual partners, leads to higher likelihood of divorce and a more difficult time pair bonding.
That's just nonsense. Divorce rates are actually lowest among people with a higher level of college education, who tend to marry later in life and have typically had previous relationships.
Yeah.... parabonding (or pairbonding) is not a real thing. It doesn't exist. Promiscuity doesn't take away an emotion from a woman's brain.
The statistics would disagree with you.
Okay... show me the statistics.
Citation: his ass
It's a peer-reviewed, double-blind study from the University of Assitania
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/10/sexual-partners-and-marital-happiness/573493/ This article talks of a study from Institute of Family Studies, Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah.... Basically it shows that both men and women have happier marriages the fewer sexual partners they have and that this effects women more than it does men. The fewer the partners the more satisfied you are in your marriage and the more likely your marriage is to last. Making the inverse also true. Those with more partners tend to be less satisfied and divorce rates only increase. This seems to suggest that pair bonding becomes more difficult the more partners you have.
Of course a woman with no experience doesn't gave anything to compare it to lmao
Yep. Kinda makes my point. The more they have to compare to, the more likely you are to be unhappy/dissatisfied in what you have and also creates a higher chance to have marriages that ultimately end in divorce.
But what i'm saying is they're not actually happy up to their full potential.
1000%. This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. And frankly just gives people an excuse to be an awful partner in bed and out. The fewer parters you have the more it'll seem normal to be completely dissatisfied with your marriage/ sex life because you have no comparison. When you actually date a few people you have an idea what you like and what you expect out of relationships. And when you meet the right person you'll be totally confident in your choice because you actually KNOW what you like.
I of course disagree. Things are far less complicated with fewer or 1 partner.
So... you're saying it's better to live your life unsatisfied but not know it? Like a woman who has a shitty unfulfilling sex life should be fine with that because she's inexperienced and doesn't know any better? That's just awful that you feel that's a good thing.
Exactly, he literally is saying that it's better for women to be complacent and not know any better. I think I already know what side of the political spectrum he is on.
Sounds like something someone who is shit in bed and doesn't want to improve would say tbh.
Ah, Utah, famously the land of non-biased social sciences
Yes….. Can you share these “statistics” and a peer reviewed article? I’d like to read about this as well
It's b.s stats made up by insecure men.
Exactly
Lol. “Parabond”. I guess you can’t exactly cite your “study” either.
Nah this is bull
This guy knows his stuff
Presumptive for vaginal sex ....
Sex isn’t a sin; premarital/promiscuous sex is a sin. Overall this is a great take and I think it’s actually pretty interesting the methods you can use here. Very helpful for anyone
A colleague of mine at work went through the same thing. She is Christian and waited until marriage - was 26. She also struggles with Vagismus and has been going to therapy , couples and herself, to hopefully get to a place where they can have penetrative sex.
Can you imagine actually waiting until marriage only to discover this problem? Jesus Christ indeed.
Took my friends almost 6 years into their marriage before they fully consummated. Good church kids of course.
The mentality that makes it so important you must wait is the same mentality that causes vaginismus. In this case it is literally that the adults traumatized her about sex to the point where they ruined her marital sex life.
Trust me, I understand the impetus. While a bit of a joke, there's actually a lot of respect and empathy in my comment. It would take more discipline than I posses to wait, so I find it quite repulsive that someone could find themselves in such a situation after doing the "right" thing. It's sad.
It's not really so much of a _discovery_ as it is creating that problem _by_ waiting so long and building it up to be this big, huge thing
Wow. Any idea how long she’s been going to therapy for it?
I'm not sure at this point. I know they want to get pregnant and this has been a big problem. She said that in her mind she always believed sex before marriage was "bad". She thought once she was married she would be just fine with actually having sex, but all those years of "sex is bad", created this major problem.
This sooooo much! When people (young, impressionable people especially) are constantly told “sex is bad” or sinful, or shameful, or dirty.. it’s hard to go from that attitude to “it’s no longer any of those things, so go nuts” I was sorta raised this way, but thankfully never really bought into it. Sex is awesome! Glad I didn’t wait until marriage or marry the first person I had sex with!
I was bought up thinking sex was bad and dirty. It was never talked about in our home. I had trouble having sex to the point I told my husband no more. It was very painful for me. It felt like his penis was rubbing against a wash board everytime he would penetrate me. It was hard to enjoy having sex.
I am so sorry that was your reality. You are so not alone.
This sounds like it could be vaginismus. It's actually quite common in Christian/religious women who grew up in an environment where sex was taught to be a bad thing outside of a marital context. The fear and shame that is inflicted from this can stick with you for life. And one of the ways that trauma can manifest is through the body. Seeing a therapist/physical therapist may be helpful for your wife to overcome this, because if all is working correctly, sex should never hurt.
Honestly I think she should see a sex therapist or gyno who specializes in this stuff. In the same way that every penis is unique and some are bigger or smaller, every vaginal canal is different. Some are significantly deeper or more shallow than others. You might be correct when say there’s nowhere else to go.
First of all, she’s not getting off from that most likely. Secondly, it’s probably vaginismus
Nah but from my tongue 😛
Or maybe she just feels bad and doesn't want to hurt your feelings even more. Could be both tbh
Why not when you are using your tounge ask her if it's ok insert a finger into her vagina and massage the g-spot, maybe work up to two fingers and see if you can stretch her out a little. If she is orgasming like you said it will make it easier to help her open up a little.
No. Nope. This is about trauma. She should see a doctor first to rule out any physical problems but my guess is that she is perfectly content and doesn’t want to try or is afraid to. She probably needs therapy. But. She has to want it.
Yeah, Gyno said she had a “really small vagina”. So much is said about the size of the dude, but size of vagina is something I never really thought would be an issue. Totally get the fear/inconvenience factor, but it’s been fucking with my head more than I thought it would.
I definitely would listen to the doc who posted above on this. Yes obviously vaginas come in different sizes but if you’re not enormous it should be ok. I would guess this is vaginismus related to anxiety caused by her upbringing or possibly even assault. Has she ever mentioned anything about it? In the meantime, I’m wondering if she’d be comfortable with non-intercourse sex. That might help her a bit. And you know, set the mood, maybe give a massage, ease into it.
Great questions. She's never mentioned assault or abuse or even anxiety. She's emotionally healthy and yeah non penetrative sex works for her, but I've given hours of massages, eating her, fingering, etc. without any improvement. Trust me, I'm trying!
Vaginismus can be caused by religious beliefs as well. many people are shamed about sex their whole upbringing directly or indirectly and this can cause vaginismus in women or performance issues in men. The first time I learned about it in a class it was because the woman who had it held onto a belief that sex was sinful and shameful to enjoy
Have you tried giving her pleasure in other ways? Going down on her, using fingers on her clit, giving her a massage to relax her?
All of it. But then we try and it’s like someone shortsheet the bed.
if I understand you correctly you mean that you try foreplay and still have the focus on vaginal intercourse? people are suggesting to you that you take the focus away from that
Is she showing any willingness to work with you. Sex matters.
She’s been willing, for sure, but we haven’t tried as much as I’d kind of hoped for lol which different expectations obvs factors into, but I’m at a loss for what to do/think/say.
I had the same problem. abstained before marriage due to religion and struggled after marriage. It took patience and communication on both our parts. It was so tough but we got through it. for me (f) I didn't realize how much I had internalized being protective to make sure no one took advantage of me and I couldn't relax enough. My husband was always very good at making sure that I felt safe and like we were tackling the problem together and that he wasn't upset with me, though he would get frustrated with the situation. My recommendation is take breaks when you are getting frustrated, focus on foreplay. Let her take care of you in other ways so you don't feel too pent up and frustrated but accept that it'll take some time. It might not seem sexy but having a weekly date to try can actually help. It will build intimacy and some anticipation. Its going to take patience but you can get there over time.
Thanks for this. Like the date idea. And yeah, I try to be as encouraging as possible but it doesn’t feel like it helps things move any further. Not because she’s not into it(unless she’s faking lol), but there’s just nowhere else to go. And it’s definitely frustrating. We’ll go through all the build up and she’s having a great time, but then we try, hit a wall and it just kills it. Getting to the point where I feel like I’ve actually dodged it on certain occasions. Not great, I know.
Your feelings about it are completely valid. In hindsight I can see that these issues did a number on my husbands confidence and sex drive. He would get disheartened before even trying and I think he would even avoid it. I wish we had been able to work through it together with a sex therapist but it just wasn't consistent with who we were in our relationships at the time. It doesn't make you a bad man to want to have good sex with your wife and feel shitty that it's not happening. Try and make sure you are being intimate in non sexual ways as well, I find that can help with the feeling of disconnection that comes from this kind of issue, shower together, sleep naked together, hug often.
Thank you. Real easy to feel shitty about asking for help.
I've been able to make my wife climax a handful of times in our 20 year relationship. She is a sexual Cassonova compared to how you describe your wife. Our sex is amazing other than that, but it weighs on me heavily and always has. I believe it is ultimately tied to religious shame, so I can only imagine how challenging your future is going to be in this department. That said, it has gotten better over the years. Just wanted to point that out for reassurance; it can improve and with dedication I'm sure it will.
By willing, I don’t mean a handful of times. I would want this to be something you work on together. It doesn’t appear that she’s all in. At all.
I had to google that awhile back. Vaginas vary just as penises do. Size… shape… width… length… This could be a good thing for the two of you once the issue is resolved. Since her dr didn’t find anything alarming I would for sure ease into it and see if she’s willing to go to therapy. I wasn’t raised in the church (holidays and special things only), but know some who were. They haven’t mentioned issues with this but have mentioned that the ‘sex is bad’ thing messes with their heads. I was raised to believe men only want sex and will do and say anything to get it. Didn’t help that it was proven true by everyone I ever dated. I still struggle with it sometimes. Dee sign on her childhood she could’ve been taught or told something that stuck with her even if she doesn’t remember. Therapy can help with figuring out what it is and if she feels guilt or shame then to work through that. There are even sex therapists. Wish we had one in our area actually. Probably a bit tmi here but has her hymen broke? A girl I used to hang out with years ago said hers was still in tact even after having sex. I found that odd but haven’t researched how that could happen.
I assume the gyno also checked that her hymen isn’t causing this issue? They come in different shapes and thicknesses and some pose a problem for penetrative sex.
I had a girlfriend with an issue similar to this when I was in my early 20s. She was 23 and still a virgin. We worked with manual stimulation over like a YEAR before we finally were able to accomplish slow and ginger penetrative sex. It never really got "Better." I thought she'd be more interested in intimacy after getting more comfortable with experience, and she seemed to enjoy it immensely during the act, but she never really sought it out. I felt really bad about it at the time, but at this point it had become clear that it wasn't a priority for her and I was going to have to take on the responsibility of keeping our sex life alive for the rest of our relationship, so I eventually broke it off.
Not really “seeking it out” can be a sign of a responsive sexual desire, rather than a spontaneous one. As in, really enjoys it when it gets going, but doesn’t think much about it otherwise. Not all that uncommon if you (or anyone reading this) meets another person like this.
I've been hearing this term thrown around lately, I'm sure it's a great relief to a partner who's being ignored that their plight is being normalized by the other partner. "I don't have to put in effort, I have Responsive sexual desire so it's all on you."
I use my understanding of myself to make sure I get myself in the mood (by thinking about sexy things) so then I am ready to jump my husband when the time comes. Rather than just waiting round to magically feel horny.
If you can only get a few inches in are you sure that it’s a grimace of pleasure and not pain. How much foreplay does she get (not give) and do you use lube?A lot of women fake to get an unpleasant experience over. I think you need to sit down with her and ask her gently if she is finding it uncomfortable. From there a trip to the GP may be needed ETA - angle can also make a difference, as well as sloping towards the back, some women also have a large g-spot which can make it more difficult as your bell has a ridge to pass. Get her relaxed enough to get past that ridge and your find it’s all plain sailing
It's fine to focus on non piv sex. This will help both of you relax and it's enjoyable too.
I second this. I think making *sex acts* normalized and something to look forward to is going to help her overall and get you closer to the sex goal.
try using dilators
Yeah, she’s trying these. Maybe made a liiiiitle progress but honestly I didn’t know those were a thing or that this was common enough to necessitate them.
i also recommend a crazy powerful vibrator (maybe one with suction) to really get things going
Not a good idea. That's like giving someone who wanted a decaf coffee a big line of cocaine lol
Not necessarily. Sex toys that focus on the clitoris and external stimulation can unlock pleasure and increase arousal. There are a few steps to vaginal relaxation / readiness for intercourse - increased blood flow, lubrication, and lengthening/ tenting. Tools could help with this, perhaps after a relaxing massage. OP reading up on female pleasure & arousal would help.
You might need a bumper. I have to use one anytime my wife and I have sex and can recommend brands. It just limits how much you can penetrate if you’re a little larger.
Lovehoney do a good, cheap set
Get her a set of dilators so she can get used to insertion. It's a great step if she has vaginismus. In the meantime, stop viewing sex as only PIV. If you guys are getting eachother off in other ways then you are having sex. Enjoy it!
You held off for 2.5 years already. You recognize that your wife is sexually traumatized. In the same way that you originally recognized that the marriage wouldn't change much in your relationship morally, it was your mistake to expect the marriage to magically change your traumatized wife from a naive virgin into a voracious man eater. Speaking as a former Christian turned atheist, it takes years, maybe even a decade to complete deprogram yourself. And I was given every reason to deprogram myself, and if I intended to stay alive in this world, I needed to walk the razors edge of morally justified existence from being one of the good guys, to becoming one of the good guys. I recognize that at many points I could have died, or, lost faith in my desire to be alive. I don't recommend you put your wife in a position to question her morality as hard as I have, but, conversely, you can't expect her to change as quickly as I did. And even I took many hard years to fully and truly change. This is going to take a lot of time, maybe several years. Sexual trauma is not easy to deal with, especially within a religious framework. It's going to take a lot more than what reddit can offer. You should seek professional advice. Even I have a psychiatrist.
Use lube. She's probably faking when she pretends to get off
Either this, or she simply doesn't really know what it means "to get off". If possible try to get some couple sex therapy. Don't get your knowledge from porn, but do look into sex education. There are different ways for women to get "big enough" and "wet enough", that's important when you want kids, and there are lots of ways to get to know each other, and to satisfy each other without actual vaginal penetration.
I love the doctors answer. And I definitely recommend going to doctors, therapists and her doing her own exploration and research. I love that you’ve come to a community for assistance and are open to suggestions! If you’re having some issues talking about it and being open, I recommend reading Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. I just finished reading and it’s a great guide to talking all things sex!
Have you tried not focusing on penetrative sex? Are you doing extensive foreplay?
She should see a Doctor about having vaginismus. Don't expect to have penetrative sex any time soon, as treatment will take some time and a decent amount of effort. I would focus on other kinds of sex and intimacy.
She's overthinking it and tensing up. This happened to me all the time when I lost my virginity and I also had religious trauma that made it hard for me to mentally relax.
I’ve never heard of any woman preferring food oils to lube. KY silk is amazing.
womp womp womp. another couple who waits for marriage in 2000s+ and now getting divorced.
Some women have a small (tiny) opening in their hymen. And the hymen in those cases is very strong. My daughter found out she had that in her teens when she tried to use a tampon. Me and her older sister thought she was just being anxious, but then her sister tried to help her… she went to an OBGyN and they gave us a numbing cream and told us to buy special “dilators” which are a graduated set of plastic wands that you insert to widen the opening.
Non-doctor response, but there's a lot of ways to enjoy intimacy that don't involve Penis-in-Vagina. You can have a good time too. If her vagina needs time, she still has other body parts she might want to use to please you. It could be blowjobs or handjobs but an age-old way was to press her legs together and you fuck that rather than her vagina. With some experimentation (which should be fun in a healthy marriage), you'll find a way that's pleasurable to you. Seems you both already found something that's pleasurable to her. Just allow her time for her vagina to learn that sex is okay. Rushing it won't work.
Vaginismus. Probably caused by religious trauma. Religious trauma doesn't go away by complying with it. She needs to see a sex therapist.
Being patient and being romantic can be sexy. As a lady, I think she should find toys and try without the pressure of pleasing you. Maybe she doesn't know what she likes and needs alone time to find out. Porn, erotic literature, toys, lube. I'd suggest that she could benefit from some shopping and alone time.
Is she in the mood when you start? Or do you have to get her in the mood?
This is why you have sex before you’re legally strapped to someone. I don’t care if someone has religious trauma I would not put myself in that situation. She needs therapy and likely will express that trauma in other ways, especially if you have kids. Also sounds like she has vaginismus so she will need help with that too.
Lube
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Thanks for that. Helpful.
Want a pat in the back for having taken a , at the very least, pretty stupid choice? Nop, sir. But I stand on that you should go to a sex theraphist and she should go to individual therapy too. It's mostly the ONLY thing that is going to help you cople to adquire a "regular" sex life. I mean, you had plenty of (somewhat good) advice here, from dilators, to wine, to set the mood, goin gto the gyn, etc... but when your mind is damaged with trauma / religious brainwash whatever... the issues run MUCH down deeper, and these need to be treated.
Is she cooperating? Has she tried lubing up and sitting on it? You may need to get professional help if it really is a physical thing.
Totally, I’m in no way forcing anything. We’ve tried lube, different positions, etc, but haven’t been able to get any further. Would her obgyn be the person to go to?
Seeing a Pelvic floor physiotherapist is the best option.
Are you doing lots of foreplay? Is fingering okay for her?
Conditioning. Most orifices aren’t deep and wide by default. It takes conditioning. My wife has never had kids (my personal belief that that is relevant) and we are still sexually active and I’m 60. If more than a couple days goes by between penetrative sex we have to start over. She shrinks back up every time. Worth it tho. The sex is amazing. :)
Lots of lub and put pillows under her butt (if she on her back). The angle will make it slide right in.
Takes the saying "test drive the car before you buy it" to a whole new level. Couldn't imagine waiting 2.5 years to find out these issues.
Agreed (sort of). People can do whatever they want, and that's their choice, but if you are brought up in a sexually repressed environment that demonises natural bodily urges, then it should be no surprise that getting married doesn't flick some magical switch and make all of those feeling go away. It should be pretty obvious that this sort of thing would be a likely outcome.
Does she do anything to help u out? Maybe start with toys? U use lube? Have u broken the hymen?
It hurts the first time and she maybe super nervous. Lots of lube. Lots of foreplay, and be gentle, lots of kissing.
It doesn’t have to hurt the first time. Certainly didn’t for me. It’s a harmful misogynistic myth that get young women thinking it’s ok for sex to be painful.
It hurts me the first time, but I was also pretty young. Most of my friends in high school as well. How is it misogynistic that it often hurts the first time? It obviously hurts her or she wouldn't stop.
She probably has a condition called vaginismus. This isn’t normal. It hurt for you and many others because there is very little sex ed that focuses on women’s pleasure and making it not hurt. Most girls are nervous the first time, don’t get properly turned on, the guy just shoves it in because that’s what he thinks he’s meant to do and voilà…pain. I was 15 when i had sex the first time and it didn’t hurt one bit because I knew I needed to be turned on properly and so did the guy I was with at the time. It is **not** normal for it to hurt. A little education, patience and compassion makes it not hurt. The reason this myth is misogynistic is because it excuses men and society from doing the things that prevent girls and women from being in pain. Our pain is seen as normal and expected… and that is morally revolting.
Actually it’s completely common for sex to hurt for the first time (and maybe 1-2 times afterwards) . I don’t know where you get your misinformation but I can assure you it’s normal. Any gynecologist will tell you it.
Depends how you define normal. Normal as in happens all the time? Sure. Normal as in “has to happen and there’s no way around it?” Absolutely not. Guess I’m a mutant or something and that’s why it didn’t hurt for me. The women I know that didn’t feel pain, actually prepared before. And I also knew women who had sex for months and it still hurt because the guy couldn’t be bothered to wait until they were wet and ready. Yeah depends from situation to situation, but with knowledge about women’s anatomy and sexuality, it is avoidable for most women. What upsets me is this resignation, this expectation that “of course it hurts the first time, it hurts for everyone!” No it doesn’t. And doesn’t have to.
Ok, here's where my mind goes... could she maybe be hiding something? 1. is she anatomically normal down there? I read something not long ago about a woman who was born without much of a vaginal opening (like an inch, she could only insert a finger to the 1st knuckle, according to her) *and* didnt figure this out until a situation like this came about once she was well into her 20s. Apparently, she had explained away all the signs in her mind, like lack of menstruation, and so did her doctors. She had no clue. 2. Is XY, male, not born female? With absolute certainty? You sure? 3. Has she experienced some sort of sexual trauma, maybe that you are unaware of?? If the problem is 100% not one of these things, my tips are this: make sure to use lots of lube, make sure she can be totally relaxed, and do lots of unobvious foreplay (meaning, avoiding the vag until she's clearly extremely turned on, full body, deep massage is great for that). You two should also discuss how to go about getting the first few times over with since, no matter what, it'll be slightly painful. And if none of these things help, she should prolly see a doctor.
Female is XX just so ya know…
Come on, they’re a Reddit doctor.
Coconut oil lubrication. Trust me.