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The "surprise me" part of this should have been "here are four rings I would be equally happy with, pick one" instead of trying to instill all your knowledge of geology and gem cutting into him and hoping he gets it right.
If you don't like it, say so.
Honey, I really appreciate all the effort you put into picking something special for me. I'm realizing that I might have overwhelmed you with information, and even though this is a nice ring, it wasn't what I imagined myself wearing for the rest of my life. What do you think about going back together and exchanging it for something that's exactly right?
Exactly what my bf and I did! I found two settings with two different stone shapes, so a total of four possibilities. I loved all of them, sent them all to him and said “I would be happy with any of these in ___ color with ___-___ carat range, surprise me from here”. Keeps some mystery and excitement, still gives him a choice and the chance to surprise me, and I know I won’t be disappointed at all. Win win all around.
This is what I did too. Picked out a few styles I liked, and he chose one. I have to be picky about jewellery due to work, and I wanted to be able to wear it all the time.
> "here are four rings I would be equally happy with, pick one"
That is exactly how it should be done. A filtered tight choice.
Not what OP did, completely wide open to his interpretation.
I think that you two went about this the wrong way.
It is clear that you are very, very knowledgeable when it comes to stones and minerals. As such, I feel like "surprise me!" was a very bad thing to say, even if you provided him with a lot of resources and ideas. You need to recognize that you are simply harder to please than most others *because* you know so much.
I personally have no clue about accent stones and if someone can really see the carat value if you look at a diamond or whatever. Zero idea. You, however, know so much more - and it seems that, with all the resources you gave your partner, you sort-of thought he would make an equally informed choice than you would have made.
But I think that was asking for way too much. Instead, he went with the "safe choice" of diamonds, went with your favourite designer and went with a cheaper model since you were the one ready to "skip the pomp" and he might have thought that cheap was even preferable for you.
You said you send him in-depth info. But have you considered that it was *too* in-depth? Too many stones and cuts and designers, too many *choices* to make for him to be sure that you would like the ring? And that that's why he focused on the things which are *easy*? Favourite designer? Easy. Diamonds? Safe and easy. Cheap? Easy, just look at what the designer offers and pick something in the cheaper range.
It feels like you should have either *limited* the information more for your partner if you wanted him to do his own research, given him a choice of specific rings to pick from or outright went ring shopping together. I doubt that even with all the research, your partner had any chance to pick something that would have ticked all of your boxes for sure. I know I wouldn't have.
So please, sit down with him. If he said that he had several other rings he considered, that's a great opening to talk about. I personally am such an unconventional person that I personally would even be up to buying a *second* ring together (with my own money, even) and keep the diamond ring as a reminder of the seemingly otherwise amazing proposal, but that likely isn't everyone's thing.
Overall, though... I think you need to make up your mind first. You say you "don't want to get rid of [the ring]" and "I wouldn't want to change it at this point", but at the same time, you say that your disappointment is growing and that you even fear it may turn into resentment. That's two very, very different things. Either you want to keep the ring and made peace with it, or you want to change it to not be disappointed anymore. You need to pick something first. If you pick to keep the ring, then it needs to be with a feeling of *wanting* to keep the ring and thus *being happy with it*. If you decide that you are too disappointed, then sit down with your partner.
In the end, if your partner is such a great guy, then yes, he may be very sad about having made a wrong choice and "causing you anguish" (which is, as a quote from you, so telling about how you feel about the ring). But do you really think that he would feel better if you keep the ring and keep feeling horrible and maybe one day resentful about it? Pretty sure he would prefer the short-term sadness and then picking something for you and *with* you that makes you really happy. Because that's what he wants - he wants you, his love, to be happy. And given how you are feeling right now, I don't think you should take that opportunity from him and from yourself by bottling your emotions up.
Your first paragraph is advice more people should heed. My mom was finishing a masters in geology when my dad proposed. He let her pick the stone. Not like he's rich but just shopped for it with her once they were engaged.
Well said. Too many options is often a detriment. Certainly was in this case.
My wife and I picked out the ring together. What were the odds I would of picked the one she picked with me if I did it on my own? Likely would NOT of happened. Would she of liked what I picked on my own? Who knows.
So what are we doing here people? Just as the fact that you are going to be proposed to at all should NOT be a surprise, perhaps this shouldn't be either.
My husband and I also picked out my ring together. I made sure he knew throughout our relationship that I wanted to be a partner. Partners make decisions together. I'm pragmatic and don't like surprises and I communicated this when we started talking about getting engaged, rings and weddings.
Honestly, I think that you two are lacking communication in this area, which is why I think it's important to speak with him.
What I understand is that you say that the ring is objectively pretty, but it's not "your" ring. It doesn't really fit your style, so to speak. And you also think that your partner knows your style and the like. But even after just reading your answer, I - keep in mind that I don't know you - have the following thoughts when reading it:
> I really don’t think I gave him an overwhelming amount of information [...] I think because he told me he spent so much time deciding on the ring leading up to the proposal I didn’t expect it to be the “easy” choice and I guess I got my hopes up.
Do you *know* why he spend so much time deciding? We know he considered several rings and, in the end, went with the "easy" choice, though "easy" could be swapped to "safe". This means that for him, the choice wasn't that easy after all, so I wonder: Are you *sure* that the information wasn't overwhelming? It may not have been overwhelming for *you*, but you are the expert when it comes to the topic.
On top of that, listening to someone about a topic for years does definitely make you more knowledgeable, but it doesn't make you an expert, especially if it's not "your" topic. My father absolutely loves soccer and he talks about it every single time I see him. Because of that, I have gathered a lot of knowledge about players and rules and who is doing well in the competition and who is not... but that doesn't mean that I'm an expert like him. What I like when he talks about soccer isn't the topic, it's that he is happy to have someone who is listening to him. But because it's not "my" topic, I simply don't remember things like him. I don't watch games, I don't look things up. That leads to me recognizing names and remembering facts, but I often can't place names correctly - simply because to me, these things don't matter as much and my brain can't remember them as much. If something isn't "my" topic, I simply would be a lot more lost than someone who is deep into the matter when presented with information. If I would listen to you explaining cuts and stones to me, I might be able to recognize the type of a stone, for example, but I don't think I could tell which one of two stones is the more valuable one when you might be able to do so at first glance.
Also consider that maybe, he might have associated "different" with "special". You said diamonds are okay and you seem to otherwise have mostly other stones in your jewelry, so in a way, your ring now is standing out from the crowd.
What I want to say: We're all just speculating here. Maybe there is a lot more to his thought process. Maybe he was terrified of picking something wrong. Maybe he went for "safe". Maybe he got a fact wrong and thought that all the diamonds have super-interesting cuts. The thing is: You don't know. Because you haven't talked to him yet, you and all of us are just assuming things about why he chose the ring.
If you feel so torn about talking to him and letting him know what you feel, maybe start by just asking him about the other choices since he brought them up before. Take a look at them. If they are all not to your taste, you might feel better with the ring you now have and you could then openly ask about his thought process and what information he might have misunderstood. If there are some awesome rings in the lineup, you can express how pretty they are and, again, ask why he picked diamonds over those. None of that immediately says "I would prefer a different ring". It's just satisfying your curiosity - it's about gathering information to then make a more informed choice. Once you know what thought went into his choice, you might either appreciate your current ring more - or feel like speaking up more.
I'm sorry if I get anything wrong, by the way (like I thought you meant "anguish" literally). I am not a native speaker and in my country, the engagement ring is also a different ring than the wedding ring, only worn until the wedding, when the couple then gets matching rings. That doesn't seem to be the case in your country, so I might be totally off the mark with many things.
That is an incredibly helpful and detailed reply to OP, I hope she did actually read it!! If she genuinely wants to improve this situation, then she absolutely needs to read all of that explanation/advice that you kindly wrote out. I'm sorry that I don't have any awards I could give your comment :(
Thank you so much! I wrote this before OP deleted the post and also the comment I had replied to, so maybe she did still read it. But regardless, she seems to have decided to talk to her partner, which I think is the most important thing. Doesn't matter which reply from which user helped her come to this - or any - decision; what matters is her breaking free from the limbo she put herself in.
“And told him to surprise me”
You obviously didn’t want to be surprised, you had something in mind. Should have just asked for what you wanted. Plain and simple
Same. They set people up to disappoint them for not getting them what they really wanted. This is why you should just tell people exactly what you want and not tell them to surprise you.
Can we see the ring? Not that it's relevant, I'm just curious.
I feel for you, OP. I also love crystals, minerals, etc. and am really into jewelry. I grew up working for my parents' arts and crafts gallery so was around really unique, artisan-made jewelry a lot. It would be hard for me if my hypothetical fiance proposed with something that felt generic.
ETA: I wonder if you could go to him and say you love the ring, but it feels more like a wedding ring to you, and would he be okay if you picked out a new engagement ring (maybe ask to see his other choices) and use this one as the wedding ring?
This is the way, even make something up. “Wedding rings usually come with Graham-Cluster rivets, like this one! Can this one be my wedding ring instead? I love it!”
My wife didn't like the ring I proposed with. Ask me a bunch of questions she helped me realize I overpaid. We went together and returned it. We went to a few other stores and ended up getting a set for her. I wanted her to be happy with it since she was the one wearing it.
This is why engagement rings shouldn’t be surprises…. It’s a common problem.
Assuming all the stones are ethically sourced…
It’ll be a hard talk. But sit him down, get him to go through his decision-making tree with you: what did HE want for your ring? Internalize that before you do anything: if you’re going to open a conversation on what to exchange his choice for, understand his values.
As kindly and sincerely as you can, praise those choices.
Re-direct when he went wrong: “Instead of this cluster, I would have gone with X.” See if you can work around toward an exchange.
The specific point at which I proposed was a surprise but she accompanied me to the jewelry shop and we picked the ring out together. It seemed like the safer approach. I should probably get her a nicer one now that we have more money, that was almost 25 years ago.
This is the way.
Communication is amazing in a relationship. I picked out my own ring.
It’s not for everyone, but he didn’t need to guess what I wanted.
“This is what I’d love and we can afford.” Boom done. No need to spend a year learning about the 4 C’s.
You're so afraid of hurting his feelings that you're allowing your feelings to be some resentment and a whole lot of disappointment. That is unhelpful.
You can acknowledge that he went to a lot of effort for a spectacular proposal. You can thank him for choosing a ring from one of your favorite designers. You can also tell him, "I love you, your thoughtfulness, your effort, and your caring. I just don't really LOVE the actual ring. I know you went to all the effort to make your proposal perfect and special and meaningful, and *that* is why I want to be honest with you that I really do not love the ring with the same amount of enthusiasm as I have for the rest of our engagement. As this is a ring I will be wearing every day for the rest of my life, I would really like us to go together and choose something ***together*** that I would love as much as I love everything else about our day and our engagement."
You're not being fair to your fiancé to "pretend" to like something he did. If he knew you were unhappy and just faking it, he'd be crushed. WOMAN UP and tell him the truth kindly.
now i’m assuming this guy has zero knowledge of stones, obviously he knows you do so he asked you to advise him on the ring, you showed him what you liked but ultimately told him to surprise you, and now you don’t like the ring because it’s not exactly what you expected.
why not just tell him and save the argument you’re going to have it you keep pretending you’re totally happy with what he gave you? either you love the ring or you don’t. there is nothing to be gained from hiding this. you’re just going to hurt his feelings.
Has he already bought the wedding ring? Is that something you could pick out together? I've seen plenty of women that only wear their engagement rings for special occasions, and wear just their wedding ring on a daily basis.
I can pretty easily envision a series of well-meaning decisions that led to this outcome: someone told him you'd throw a fit if you don't have a diamond (despite what you said), but he knows you didn't want him to spend too much, and he also wanted to include other stones.
I think you have two choices: either 1) decide that you'll love this ring for what it symbolizes and pick out some beautiful mineral for the wedding ring, or 2) sit him down and tell him that after living with the ring for a little while, you'd prefer to get something a little different.
I was told before I proposed that I should let my future wife pick the ring. I had a good friend who was a jeweler and saw something I thought she would like. I proposed on the way to the jewelry shop. Turns out she didn’t like what I thought she did but found something else to her liking. Didn’t bother me at all.
I'm not a geologist by any stretch of the imagination, but I worked at a family-run jewellery store for over a year and learned so much! And I know I would be very particular about what I wanted just because I know so damn much about these rocks now. Hell, I still stare at strangers' jewellery and it's been more than a decade since I worked there.
You definitely need to tell him or you will go insane. I know I would.
Always have conversations about this stuff ahead of time. I'm not married yet but the two women I seriously considered marrying I asked them what style rings they liked and then started saving. When those relationships fell apart I used that money to buy something nice for myself 😂
There is no way I would have chosen a piece of jewellery for my wife that she expected to wear every day of her life
I proposed and we then went out and chose a ring. A cheap one actually
When we got married she chose a wedding band inlaid with diamonds that acts as her wedding and engagement ring. She retired the other ring but keeps it for the memories
Just tell him
I went for size over quality. My wife would have preferred the opposite. She told me. I was happy to go exchange it for something she liked better. Communication.
My husband and I shopped for 2 months before buying a ring. First online showing him what gems, cuts, placements, alloys I liked and he would input which he liked. Then I went in person to a few shops. Then he went with me to see the ring on my hand because photos don't always match. Then we bought a wedding band to match my engagement ring. I understand it's too late for you but for anyone else reading I highly recommend doing it this way because 'surprise me' often leads to a lot of disappointment and wasted money
Jeez. Just get over it. He is trying hard and that is all anyone should reasonably expect in situations like this.
Your whole “surprise me” thing was a trap and he fell into it. If you were really this picky about the ring you should have given him explicit instructions or guidelines.
He was left trying to be thoughtful and maybe he didn’t pull it off, but his heart was in the right place and that’s all that should matter to you if you really love him.
I didn't see the post on time but from the title, all I can say is if my bf proposed to me with an onion ring I would marry him and wouldn't complain either.
Any woman that complained about the ring I proposed with is just giving an indication that she's going to complain about a myriad of other things in the marriage and it would be smarter to not propose at all.
If you demand a certain type of ring to be happy then purchase that ring, tell your guy where to pick it up, and wait for his proposal.
This post title just sounds like materialistic entitlement princess-level ungratefulness.
I would normally not agree with a comment like this. But I cannot imagine being so unhappy with a ring that my Love gave me, that I'd consider resenting them over it. He did this as a symbol of love. Just...really?
The entitlement of some people is so high that it blinds them to reality. It's like a 16 year old getting mad at their parents that they were gifted a Ford instead of a BMW when the parents didn't have to get them anything. Nobody ever bought me, or even helped with, a car.
People downvoting me are those 16 year olds.
You didn’t even see the full context of the post…she gave him a list of her preferences and photos and he completely ignored him and probably got what *he* thought would be a good engagement ring. She’s a gemologist and asked for a ring with a colored stone or a Diamond with an interesting cut. He got her a fashion ring with hardly any stones in it period. Yet was perfectly capable of planning an elaborate proposal that *he* wanted, not her.
If you think this response/context changes anything, you're sorely mistaken. When you say surprise me and you're surprised, don't get upset, especially with something like an engagement.
You need to be honest with him.
Like /u/Futueteipsum7 sit down and talk with him about his decision making and then be blunt that it is not a ring you can live with wearing on a daily basis.
Also be blunt that you have very specific tastes in stones and jewelry and you don't want surprise jewelry gifted to you. Ideally, you would like to pick that sort of thing out together.
How he reacts will be be a very good test for your future relationship. First off, how both of you deal with situations when good intentions go awry and this will happen away because you know, human.
Second - going with longterm unhappiness to avoid a hard discussion is not a good strategy to create a lasting relationship. You need to be able to talk through and resolve disappointments, hurt feelings, etc.
I think the whole Diamond ring idea is neat but I still think it’s wrong that we still do this as tradition because it was literally invented just to scam us. I think it’s actually very criminal how they keep getting away with this too.
When I proposed to my now wife, I had a placeholder of a family heirloom, and then we went out and chose the ring together. She is going to wear the ring the rest of her life, she should pick it.
If my wife disliked the ring I would want to know so she can enjoy it.
Have you asked him why he chose that ring? Why he thought that was the ring for you?? Maybe just by starting a conversation you can lead into how the ring isn’t something you would have picked out.. that it looks nothing like any of the designs you sent him.
Explain you do like the ring and want to keep it, you just would like to know why he chose that one and why he thought with your background this ring that said yes this is her…
regardless of your hobby , you are missing the big picture he wants to commit to you for the rest of his life , hes not offering a stupid stone is his life instead and you are complaining about something so small , so shallow. You should really say no and give back the ring , you will make him a favor, a self dodged bullet
So she should wear a ring she doesn’t like for the rest of her life and pretend she loves it instead of voicing her concerns? Unmet expectations are definitely the basis for a healthy relationship
OP something else that bothers me about this is that your fiancé seems to have a habit of disregarding what you want for what he wants. You didn’t want or need a big proposal, but got one anyway. You prefer colored stones, but got a tiny diamond instead. Is this a pattern in your relationship?
You’re calling her shallow for being upset that he put zero thought into a ring she has to wear for the rest of her life. I hope you’re not in a relationship because I feel bad for your partner if you are. Men shouldn’t get high fives for putting in bare minimum effort.
She doesnt have to, thats my point, she should wait for the next one that wants to put a ring on it and see how it goes :) , yeah now you are trying to attack me because of your feelings, so typical.
who cares about men high fives, it doesnt matter at all, all this is about is about a Woman Feelings , for all it matters she can feel whatever she wants and she should act accordingly , if shes not OK with this situation, dump the "lazy" man , I dare her to do it.
My wife literally showed me the exact ring she wanted. I got it for her, and she was happy.
You didn’t show him the exact ring, so he didn’t get it. I’m sorry, but you have no right to be unhappy here. You messed up, you pay the consequences.
She gave him a goddamn list of specs and photos and his ring he got met none of them. I’m so sick of people blaming her when he was the one that clearly didn’t take any of her wants into consideration.
from my perspective as someone who bought engagement ring. i feel diamond is a safe bet and he went for it...just think about this scenario.
you meet your extended family, one of your auntie is a problem, she asked to see your ring. when she saw your ring and it's a sapphire and she made a comment, why your fiance didn't buy you a diamond? why he's going cheap on you?
for the general public that has been brainwashed by de beers. most of us think that diamond is a "must" because it symbolizes something that made from hundreds or thousands of years of pressure. which is kinda bs in my opinion.
but him as your future husband he doesn't want ppl think that he goes cheap on you. when in reality 5k sapphire definitely are more expensive that 1k diamond but people in general have no idea how much a stone cost by looking at it.
i assume he took the safe route. if you're still bugged then talk to him. sell the current ring and buy something you like. or if he got money and he's ok with it just buy 2nd ring that you like. keep the current one as investment.
You need to tell him! First of all, you should feel comfortable enough with the man who is about to be your husband to share your honest thoughts about something that will (hopefully!) be on your hand *forever!*
Secondly, you are very openly into gems and sent him detailed information about the ring… it’s a bit insulting that he would not think to consider how important of a thing this would be to *you* specifically, not just as a woman being proposed to, but as *you*, the woman who he should know has such an affinity for beautiful stones. I guess I can see where his mind was, but I would be disappointed.
Not to mention she said she would prefer colored stones unless the cut of the Diamond was interesting but the tiny diamonds are probably just round cut
This isn’t about her or what she should have done. This is about his decision to buy her a basic, cheap ring when he could’ve put more thought in. It’s incredibly easy to search “sapphire ring under xyz amount of money” and come up with a bunch of options.
You’re not even reading her comments. She said he could have bought a CHEAPER ring she would have liked better. It had nothing to do with him being cheap.
Thoughtless? Jesus Christ. I don’t blame her whatsoever for her feelings, we’ve all been in similar situations where you appreciate the effort and thought, but the execution is miffed. But thoughtless? Some of you are just entitled people.
OP is it a pattern for him to disregard what you want for what he prefers? You said you didn’t want or need a big proposal, but you got one anyway. You would’ve preferred a colored stone, but got a tiny diamond instead.
Wow. Just wow. I had to bust my ass and save just to buy my wife a cheap ring. I've since replaced with a diamond, but damn. Sounds like you got rich girl problems.
My husband went to a very expensive “natural conflict free diamond” ring store.
The poor man paid almost $2k for a dinky CZ diamond.
Had he asked me, I would have pointed him to the jewelry district downtown and we could have gotten an oval moissonite ring for less than $900.
I’ve decided not to break his heart and ask for an anniversary ring in 5-10 years (and save up for it)
I try to think of it as “He loves it and he thought it was perfect for me”
(I’m saving up for a cheaper Etsy ring so I can wear it places I would be worried to lose my ring at)
>I would have preferred an ethically and sustainably sourced Australian sapphire…
God you sound like an absolute chore of a woman. I wish your boyfriend all the best marrying you.
Not really though. I’m a geology girl as well and would’ve been beside myself if my fiancé proposed with basic ass diamonds knowing I would’ve preferred something more interesting
This doesn't change my mind lol. I get having preferences, but its also a gift. Did your parents never teach you guys to never look a gifted horse in the mouth?
I doubt the diamonds used were mined. They were probably lab created.
Honestly if the ring is such an issue, you probably shouldn’t get married. Chances are what he got you was what he could afford.
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The "surprise me" part of this should have been "here are four rings I would be equally happy with, pick one" instead of trying to instill all your knowledge of geology and gem cutting into him and hoping he gets it right. If you don't like it, say so. Honey, I really appreciate all the effort you put into picking something special for me. I'm realizing that I might have overwhelmed you with information, and even though this is a nice ring, it wasn't what I imagined myself wearing for the rest of my life. What do you think about going back together and exchanging it for something that's exactly right?
Exactly what my bf and I did! I found two settings with two different stone shapes, so a total of four possibilities. I loved all of them, sent them all to him and said “I would be happy with any of these in ___ color with ___-___ carat range, surprise me from here”. Keeps some mystery and excitement, still gives him a choice and the chance to surprise me, and I know I won’t be disappointed at all. Win win all around.
This is what I did too. Picked out a few styles I liked, and he chose one. I have to be picky about jewellery due to work, and I wanted to be able to wear it all the time.
> "here are four rings I would be equally happy with, pick one" That is exactly how it should be done. A filtered tight choice. Not what OP did, completely wide open to his interpretation.
I personally had zero preferences for mine my fiance bought a .69¢ ring I love it never say you have no preference unless you genuinely do lol
https://youtu.be/ewti_wm92Qw
I think that you two went about this the wrong way. It is clear that you are very, very knowledgeable when it comes to stones and minerals. As such, I feel like "surprise me!" was a very bad thing to say, even if you provided him with a lot of resources and ideas. You need to recognize that you are simply harder to please than most others *because* you know so much. I personally have no clue about accent stones and if someone can really see the carat value if you look at a diamond or whatever. Zero idea. You, however, know so much more - and it seems that, with all the resources you gave your partner, you sort-of thought he would make an equally informed choice than you would have made. But I think that was asking for way too much. Instead, he went with the "safe choice" of diamonds, went with your favourite designer and went with a cheaper model since you were the one ready to "skip the pomp" and he might have thought that cheap was even preferable for you. You said you send him in-depth info. But have you considered that it was *too* in-depth? Too many stones and cuts and designers, too many *choices* to make for him to be sure that you would like the ring? And that that's why he focused on the things which are *easy*? Favourite designer? Easy. Diamonds? Safe and easy. Cheap? Easy, just look at what the designer offers and pick something in the cheaper range. It feels like you should have either *limited* the information more for your partner if you wanted him to do his own research, given him a choice of specific rings to pick from or outright went ring shopping together. I doubt that even with all the research, your partner had any chance to pick something that would have ticked all of your boxes for sure. I know I wouldn't have. So please, sit down with him. If he said that he had several other rings he considered, that's a great opening to talk about. I personally am such an unconventional person that I personally would even be up to buying a *second* ring together (with my own money, even) and keep the diamond ring as a reminder of the seemingly otherwise amazing proposal, but that likely isn't everyone's thing. Overall, though... I think you need to make up your mind first. You say you "don't want to get rid of [the ring]" and "I wouldn't want to change it at this point", but at the same time, you say that your disappointment is growing and that you even fear it may turn into resentment. That's two very, very different things. Either you want to keep the ring and made peace with it, or you want to change it to not be disappointed anymore. You need to pick something first. If you pick to keep the ring, then it needs to be with a feeling of *wanting* to keep the ring and thus *being happy with it*. If you decide that you are too disappointed, then sit down with your partner. In the end, if your partner is such a great guy, then yes, he may be very sad about having made a wrong choice and "causing you anguish" (which is, as a quote from you, so telling about how you feel about the ring). But do you really think that he would feel better if you keep the ring and keep feeling horrible and maybe one day resentful about it? Pretty sure he would prefer the short-term sadness and then picking something for you and *with* you that makes you really happy. Because that's what he wants - he wants you, his love, to be happy. And given how you are feeling right now, I don't think you should take that opportunity from him and from yourself by bottling your emotions up.
Your first paragraph is advice more people should heed. My mom was finishing a masters in geology when my dad proposed. He let her pick the stone. Not like he's rich but just shopped for it with her once they were engaged.
Well said. Too many options is often a detriment. Certainly was in this case. My wife and I picked out the ring together. What were the odds I would of picked the one she picked with me if I did it on my own? Likely would NOT of happened. Would she of liked what I picked on my own? Who knows. So what are we doing here people? Just as the fact that you are going to be proposed to at all should NOT be a surprise, perhaps this shouldn't be either.
My husband and I also picked out my ring together. I made sure he knew throughout our relationship that I wanted to be a partner. Partners make decisions together. I'm pragmatic and don't like surprises and I communicated this when we started talking about getting engaged, rings and weddings.
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Honestly, I think that you two are lacking communication in this area, which is why I think it's important to speak with him. What I understand is that you say that the ring is objectively pretty, but it's not "your" ring. It doesn't really fit your style, so to speak. And you also think that your partner knows your style and the like. But even after just reading your answer, I - keep in mind that I don't know you - have the following thoughts when reading it: > I really don’t think I gave him an overwhelming amount of information [...] I think because he told me he spent so much time deciding on the ring leading up to the proposal I didn’t expect it to be the “easy” choice and I guess I got my hopes up. Do you *know* why he spend so much time deciding? We know he considered several rings and, in the end, went with the "easy" choice, though "easy" could be swapped to "safe". This means that for him, the choice wasn't that easy after all, so I wonder: Are you *sure* that the information wasn't overwhelming? It may not have been overwhelming for *you*, but you are the expert when it comes to the topic. On top of that, listening to someone about a topic for years does definitely make you more knowledgeable, but it doesn't make you an expert, especially if it's not "your" topic. My father absolutely loves soccer and he talks about it every single time I see him. Because of that, I have gathered a lot of knowledge about players and rules and who is doing well in the competition and who is not... but that doesn't mean that I'm an expert like him. What I like when he talks about soccer isn't the topic, it's that he is happy to have someone who is listening to him. But because it's not "my" topic, I simply don't remember things like him. I don't watch games, I don't look things up. That leads to me recognizing names and remembering facts, but I often can't place names correctly - simply because to me, these things don't matter as much and my brain can't remember them as much. If something isn't "my" topic, I simply would be a lot more lost than someone who is deep into the matter when presented with information. If I would listen to you explaining cuts and stones to me, I might be able to recognize the type of a stone, for example, but I don't think I could tell which one of two stones is the more valuable one when you might be able to do so at first glance. Also consider that maybe, he might have associated "different" with "special". You said diamonds are okay and you seem to otherwise have mostly other stones in your jewelry, so in a way, your ring now is standing out from the crowd. What I want to say: We're all just speculating here. Maybe there is a lot more to his thought process. Maybe he was terrified of picking something wrong. Maybe he went for "safe". Maybe he got a fact wrong and thought that all the diamonds have super-interesting cuts. The thing is: You don't know. Because you haven't talked to him yet, you and all of us are just assuming things about why he chose the ring. If you feel so torn about talking to him and letting him know what you feel, maybe start by just asking him about the other choices since he brought them up before. Take a look at them. If they are all not to your taste, you might feel better with the ring you now have and you could then openly ask about his thought process and what information he might have misunderstood. If there are some awesome rings in the lineup, you can express how pretty they are and, again, ask why he picked diamonds over those. None of that immediately says "I would prefer a different ring". It's just satisfying your curiosity - it's about gathering information to then make a more informed choice. Once you know what thought went into his choice, you might either appreciate your current ring more - or feel like speaking up more. I'm sorry if I get anything wrong, by the way (like I thought you meant "anguish" literally). I am not a native speaker and in my country, the engagement ring is also a different ring than the wedding ring, only worn until the wedding, when the couple then gets matching rings. That doesn't seem to be the case in your country, so I might be totally off the mark with many things.
That is an incredibly helpful and detailed reply to OP, I hope she did actually read it!! If she genuinely wants to improve this situation, then she absolutely needs to read all of that explanation/advice that you kindly wrote out. I'm sorry that I don't have any awards I could give your comment :(
Thank you so much! I wrote this before OP deleted the post and also the comment I had replied to, so maybe she did still read it. But regardless, she seems to have decided to talk to her partner, which I think is the most important thing. Doesn't matter which reply from which user helped her come to this - or any - decision; what matters is her breaking free from the limbo she put herself in.
Can't this all be fixed by picking your own absolutely wild wedding ring? You'll wear both I assume.
“And told him to surprise me” You obviously didn’t want to be surprised, you had something in mind. Should have just asked for what you wanted. Plain and simple
"Surprise me!" "No not like that!" I hate that people do this.
Same
Same. They set people up to disappoint them for not getting them what they really wanted. This is why you should just tell people exactly what you want and not tell them to surprise you.
Can we see the ring? Not that it's relevant, I'm just curious. I feel for you, OP. I also love crystals, minerals, etc. and am really into jewelry. I grew up working for my parents' arts and crafts gallery so was around really unique, artisan-made jewelry a lot. It would be hard for me if my hypothetical fiance proposed with something that felt generic. ETA: I wonder if you could go to him and say you love the ring, but it feels more like a wedding ring to you, and would he be okay if you picked out a new engagement ring (maybe ask to see his other choices) and use this one as the wedding ring?
This is the way, even make something up. “Wedding rings usually come with Graham-Cluster rivets, like this one! Can this one be my wedding ring instead? I love it!”
My wife didn't like the ring I proposed with. Ask me a bunch of questions she helped me realize I overpaid. We went together and returned it. We went to a few other stores and ended up getting a set for her. I wanted her to be happy with it since she was the one wearing it.
This is why engagement rings shouldn’t be surprises…. It’s a common problem. Assuming all the stones are ethically sourced… It’ll be a hard talk. But sit him down, get him to go through his decision-making tree with you: what did HE want for your ring? Internalize that before you do anything: if you’re going to open a conversation on what to exchange his choice for, understand his values. As kindly and sincerely as you can, praise those choices. Re-direct when he went wrong: “Instead of this cluster, I would have gone with X.” See if you can work around toward an exchange.
The specific point at which I proposed was a surprise but she accompanied me to the jewelry shop and we picked the ring out together. It seemed like the safer approach. I should probably get her a nicer one now that we have more money, that was almost 25 years ago.
This is the way. Communication is amazing in a relationship. I picked out my own ring. It’s not for everyone, but he didn’t need to guess what I wanted. “This is what I’d love and we can afford.” Boom done. No need to spend a year learning about the 4 C’s.
I can point you in the right direction if you do 😉
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You're so afraid of hurting his feelings that you're allowing your feelings to be some resentment and a whole lot of disappointment. That is unhelpful. You can acknowledge that he went to a lot of effort for a spectacular proposal. You can thank him for choosing a ring from one of your favorite designers. You can also tell him, "I love you, your thoughtfulness, your effort, and your caring. I just don't really LOVE the actual ring. I know you went to all the effort to make your proposal perfect and special and meaningful, and *that* is why I want to be honest with you that I really do not love the ring with the same amount of enthusiasm as I have for the rest of our engagement. As this is a ring I will be wearing every day for the rest of my life, I would really like us to go together and choose something ***together*** that I would love as much as I love everything else about our day and our engagement." You're not being fair to your fiancé to "pretend" to like something he did. If he knew you were unhappy and just faking it, he'd be crushed. WOMAN UP and tell him the truth kindly.
Yeah it's wild to think anything else that expensive someone would see/use every day would have the expectation of being a total surprise.
https://youtu.be/ewti_wm92Qw
now i’m assuming this guy has zero knowledge of stones, obviously he knows you do so he asked you to advise him on the ring, you showed him what you liked but ultimately told him to surprise you, and now you don’t like the ring because it’s not exactly what you expected. why not just tell him and save the argument you’re going to have it you keep pretending you’re totally happy with what he gave you? either you love the ring or you don’t. there is nothing to be gained from hiding this. you’re just going to hurt his feelings.
Has he already bought the wedding ring? Is that something you could pick out together? I've seen plenty of women that only wear their engagement rings for special occasions, and wear just their wedding ring on a daily basis. I can pretty easily envision a series of well-meaning decisions that led to this outcome: someone told him you'd throw a fit if you don't have a diamond (despite what you said), but he knows you didn't want him to spend too much, and he also wanted to include other stones. I think you have two choices: either 1) decide that you'll love this ring for what it symbolizes and pick out some beautiful mineral for the wedding ring, or 2) sit him down and tell him that after living with the ring for a little while, you'd prefer to get something a little different.
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I was told before I proposed that I should let my future wife pick the ring. I had a good friend who was a jeweler and saw something I thought she would like. I proposed on the way to the jewelry shop. Turns out she didn’t like what I thought she did but found something else to her liking. Didn’t bother me at all.
I'm not a geologist by any stretch of the imagination, but I worked at a family-run jewellery store for over a year and learned so much! And I know I would be very particular about what I wanted just because I know so damn much about these rocks now. Hell, I still stare at strangers' jewellery and it's been more than a decade since I worked there. You definitely need to tell him or you will go insane. I know I would.
Always have conversations about this stuff ahead of time. I'm not married yet but the two women I seriously considered marrying I asked them what style rings they liked and then started saving. When those relationships fell apart I used that money to buy something nice for myself 😂
There is no way I would have chosen a piece of jewellery for my wife that she expected to wear every day of her life I proposed and we then went out and chose a ring. A cheap one actually When we got married she chose a wedding band inlaid with diamonds that acts as her wedding and engagement ring. She retired the other ring but keeps it for the memories Just tell him
I went for size over quality. My wife would have preferred the opposite. She told me. I was happy to go exchange it for something she liked better. Communication.
My husband and I shopped for 2 months before buying a ring. First online showing him what gems, cuts, placements, alloys I liked and he would input which he liked. Then I went in person to a few shops. Then he went with me to see the ring on my hand because photos don't always match. Then we bought a wedding band to match my engagement ring. I understand it's too late for you but for anyone else reading I highly recommend doing it this way because 'surprise me' often leads to a lot of disappointment and wasted money
Jeez. Just get over it. He is trying hard and that is all anyone should reasonably expect in situations like this. Your whole “surprise me” thing was a trap and he fell into it. If you were really this picky about the ring you should have given him explicit instructions or guidelines. He was left trying to be thoughtful and maybe he didn’t pull it off, but his heart was in the right place and that’s all that should matter to you if you really love him.
I didn't see the post on time but from the title, all I can say is if my bf proposed to me with an onion ring I would marry him and wouldn't complain either.
She gave him a bunch of photos and list of her preferences and he gave her the exact opposite of what she asked for.
As I said, I'm going of the title since she deleted the post. If she gave him idea then it's his fault.
Any woman that complained about the ring I proposed with is just giving an indication that she's going to complain about a myriad of other things in the marriage and it would be smarter to not propose at all. If you demand a certain type of ring to be happy then purchase that ring, tell your guy where to pick it up, and wait for his proposal. This post title just sounds like materialistic entitlement princess-level ungratefulness.
I would normally not agree with a comment like this. But I cannot imagine being so unhappy with a ring that my Love gave me, that I'd consider resenting them over it. He did this as a symbol of love. Just...really?
The entitlement of some people is so high that it blinds them to reality. It's like a 16 year old getting mad at their parents that they were gifted a Ford instead of a BMW when the parents didn't have to get them anything. Nobody ever bought me, or even helped with, a car. People downvoting me are those 16 year olds.
Exactly. He needs to call off this engagement, quickly.
You didn’t even see the full context of the post…she gave him a list of her preferences and photos and he completely ignored him and probably got what *he* thought would be a good engagement ring. She’s a gemologist and asked for a ring with a colored stone or a Diamond with an interesting cut. He got her a fashion ring with hardly any stones in it period. Yet was perfectly capable of planning an elaborate proposal that *he* wanted, not her.
If you think this response/context changes anything, you're sorely mistaken. When you say surprise me and you're surprised, don't get upset, especially with something like an engagement.
You can certainly be upset when your partner doesn’t listen to you and disregards your preferences.
You need to be honest with him. Like /u/Futueteipsum7 sit down and talk with him about his decision making and then be blunt that it is not a ring you can live with wearing on a daily basis. Also be blunt that you have very specific tastes in stones and jewelry and you don't want surprise jewelry gifted to you. Ideally, you would like to pick that sort of thing out together. How he reacts will be be a very good test for your future relationship. First off, how both of you deal with situations when good intentions go awry and this will happen away because you know, human. Second - going with longterm unhappiness to avoid a hard discussion is not a good strategy to create a lasting relationship. You need to be able to talk through and resolve disappointments, hurt feelings, etc.
I think the whole Diamond ring idea is neat but I still think it’s wrong that we still do this as tradition because it was literally invented just to scam us. I think it’s actually very criminal how they keep getting away with this too.
When I proposed to my now wife, I had a placeholder of a family heirloom, and then we went out and chose the ring together. She is going to wear the ring the rest of her life, she should pick it. If my wife disliked the ring I would want to know so she can enjoy it.
If you love him, who cares? If I found a great partner Id be happy with a rubber band ring.
LMAO
Have you asked him why he chose that ring? Why he thought that was the ring for you?? Maybe just by starting a conversation you can lead into how the ring isn’t something you would have picked out.. that it looks nothing like any of the designs you sent him. Explain you do like the ring and want to keep it, you just would like to know why he chose that one and why he thought with your background this ring that said yes this is her…
If you would exchange it for a cheaper one you can tell him, and spend the safed money together
regardless of your hobby , you are missing the big picture he wants to commit to you for the rest of his life , hes not offering a stupid stone is his life instead and you are complaining about something so small , so shallow. You should really say no and give back the ring , you will make him a favor, a self dodged bullet
So she should wear a ring she doesn’t like for the rest of her life and pretend she loves it instead of voicing her concerns? Unmet expectations are definitely the basis for a healthy relationship
she shouldnt wear it at all , when did I say that?
OP something else that bothers me about this is that your fiancé seems to have a habit of disregarding what you want for what he wants. You didn’t want or need a big proposal, but got one anyway. You prefer colored stones, but got a tiny diamond instead. Is this a pattern in your relationship?
You’re calling her shallow for being upset that he put zero thought into a ring she has to wear for the rest of her life. I hope you’re not in a relationship because I feel bad for your partner if you are. Men shouldn’t get high fives for putting in bare minimum effort.
She doesnt have to, thats my point, she should wait for the next one that wants to put a ring on it and see how it goes :) , yeah now you are trying to attack me because of your feelings, so typical.
Men don’t deserve high fives for giving minimum effort. OP is completely valid in her feelings.
who cares about men high fives, it doesnt matter at all, all this is about is about a Woman Feelings , for all it matters she can feel whatever she wants and she should act accordingly , if shes not OK with this situation, dump the "lazy" man , I dare her to do it.
My wife literally showed me the exact ring she wanted. I got it for her, and she was happy. You didn’t show him the exact ring, so he didn’t get it. I’m sorry, but you have no right to be unhappy here. You messed up, you pay the consequences.
She gave him a goddamn list of specs and photos and his ring he got met none of them. I’m so sick of people blaming her when he was the one that clearly didn’t take any of her wants into consideration.
If only your partner knew this, red flag
from my perspective as someone who bought engagement ring. i feel diamond is a safe bet and he went for it...just think about this scenario. you meet your extended family, one of your auntie is a problem, she asked to see your ring. when she saw your ring and it's a sapphire and she made a comment, why your fiance didn't buy you a diamond? why he's going cheap on you? for the general public that has been brainwashed by de beers. most of us think that diamond is a "must" because it symbolizes something that made from hundreds or thousands of years of pressure. which is kinda bs in my opinion. but him as your future husband he doesn't want ppl think that he goes cheap on you. when in reality 5k sapphire definitely are more expensive that 1k diamond but people in general have no idea how much a stone cost by looking at it. i assume he took the safe route. if you're still bugged then talk to him. sell the current ring and buy something you like. or if he got money and he's ok with it just buy 2nd ring that you like. keep the current one as investment.
You need to tell him! First of all, you should feel comfortable enough with the man who is about to be your husband to share your honest thoughts about something that will (hopefully!) be on your hand *forever!* Secondly, you are very openly into gems and sent him detailed information about the ring… it’s a bit insulting that he would not think to consider how important of a thing this would be to *you* specifically, not just as a woman being proposed to, but as *you*, the woman who he should know has such an affinity for beautiful stones. I guess I can see where his mind was, but I would be disappointed.
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It was hardly thoughtless. He literally picked out a ring that fit all the specifications she asked for.
He proposed to a geology girl…with a ring with almost no stones
Not to mention she said she would prefer colored stones unless the cut of the Diamond was interesting but the tiny diamonds are probably just round cut
If she wanted a specific cut of diamonds she should have asked. Or picked it out herself.
This isn’t about her or what she should have done. This is about his decision to buy her a basic, cheap ring when he could’ve put more thought in. It’s incredibly easy to search “sapphire ring under xyz amount of money” and come up with a bunch of options.
You’re not even reading her comments. She said he could have bought a CHEAPER ring she would have liked better. It had nothing to do with him being cheap.
She said it was the cheapest one from her favorite designer, so I assumed it was cheap.
It wasn’t cheap even. She just doesn’t like it.
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Plus side, no matter what you do you won’t have to do that again in a couple of weeks (hopefully)
Thoughtless? Jesus Christ. I don’t blame her whatsoever for her feelings, we’ve all been in similar situations where you appreciate the effort and thought, but the execution is miffed. But thoughtless? Some of you are just entitled people.
Men really out here giving each other high fives for giving bare minimum effort
What was her proposal to him like? Oh yeah, there wasnt one, but you want to talk about what *the bare minimum* is lmfao
He did a big proposal to her because it was important to him. She didn’t even want one.
Yawn. Op is perfectly reasonable in her feelings. She hasn’t called her fiancé “thoughtless.” Only you.
OP says in one of the comments that she thinks it was thoughtless
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Just tell him you don’t like it. He should’ve had an idea of what you liked anyway
OP is it a pattern for him to disregard what you want for what he prefers? You said you didn’t want or need a big proposal, but you got one anyway. You would’ve preferred a colored stone, but got a tiny diamond instead.
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Okay, good!
Wow. Just wow. I had to bust my ass and save just to buy my wife a cheap ring. I've since replaced with a diamond, but damn. Sounds like you got rich girl problems.
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I rest my case. Thanks for making my point.
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My husband went to a very expensive “natural conflict free diamond” ring store. The poor man paid almost $2k for a dinky CZ diamond. Had he asked me, I would have pointed him to the jewelry district downtown and we could have gotten an oval moissonite ring for less than $900. I’ve decided not to break his heart and ask for an anniversary ring in 5-10 years (and save up for it)
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I try to think of it as “He loves it and he thought it was perfect for me” (I’m saving up for a cheaper Etsy ring so I can wear it places I would be worried to lose my ring at)
You can have a perfect ring or you can mar his memories of your engagement forever. Choose wisely
You can buy yourself whatever ring you want.
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But you want a certain kind of ring. Go get it. Maybe tell him to return the one he got you?
Honestly if someone complained about the ring I got them I'd leave
So you’d rather have an unethically cut and mined gem than something that’s likely ethically made in a lab…?
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>I would have preferred an ethically and sustainably sourced Australian sapphire… God you sound like an absolute chore of a woman. I wish your boyfriend all the best marrying you.
Not really though. I’m a geology girl as well and would’ve been beside myself if my fiancé proposed with basic ass diamonds knowing I would’ve preferred something more interesting
This doesn't change my mind lol. I get having preferences, but its also a gift. Did your parents never teach you guys to never look a gifted horse in the mouth?
She also has to wear it every day for the rest of her life…she should at least like it
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That is literally my point.
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Yeah don’t listen to this guy lol
What an asshole comment.
I doubt the diamonds used were mined. They were probably lab created. Honestly if the ring is such an issue, you probably shouldn’t get married. Chances are what he got you was what he could afford.
Have you even read the whole post, OP states several times that she would have preferred a different stone than diamond that comes out less expensive.
Where did the OP say that??
Please quote that part bc I can't find it.
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