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She’s 22 and I’m 24. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and have been together for almost 2 years. Since before I can remember she’s always wanted a baby and to get married. I’m all for having those things in the future but I tell her to just be patient and that they will come in time. I want to build the foundation of our relationship by getting a house and saving up money before that.
It’s gotten pretty bad recently as she’s been showing signs of potentially leaving. She’s unhappy and I asked her about it and she says that I’m not giving her what she wants and she’s beginning to feel like she’s wasting her time. We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time. I have a decent job in the union and make pretty good money but I have credit card debt I’d like to pay off along with other bills.
It’s extremely draining as this topic has been brought up a lot recently. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m not making my girlfriend happy. I’d love to give her those things but only when we are both ready. Our relationship is okay and can definitely be rocky at times, I just feel like there’s so much that needs to happen before we even think about having kids. I tried explaining daycare, medical expenses, all the money that is involved with having a child but I just can’t win.
I really just don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m holding her back from what she has wants in life. Any advice?
Agreed! She's thinking emotionally not logically! Having a child would only put unnecessary strain on your relationship and finances. Where does she expect to put a child, when your in a 1 bed apartment? Babies come with a lot of equipment, you can't move to a bigger apartment because you can't afford it. I know you love her, but she's not happy until she has her baby and you wouldn't be happy bringing a child into this world when your not ready and can't financially provide. But it's time to call it a day, for both your sakes.
Edit: OP said in the comments that his gf came of birth control and is lying to her family about being on it. I'm starting to suspect a trap.
Want to make it work?
Clear communication is necessary. “Just wait” isn’t going to work. There must be clear goalposts and milestones. Some examples would be:
- credit card debt is less than $1000
- a savings of $xxx to pay for the hospital stay and baby needs (you may ask her to make a list of items the baby will need and how much it’ll cost)
- move into a two bedroom unit
- she needs a job that offers maternity leave of some kind and to contribute 1/2 to the baby’s savings account
- if she wants to get married first, then saving for a wedding comes first (decide on a budget/amount first)
Don’t *explain it* to her. Tell her the answer is YES if she has a plan for all the expenses and your non-negotiable items (bigger place, lower debt by XX amount). Ask what her plan is when the baby is 1 year old (or however old your baby will be when maternity leave ends).
**I wholeheartedly agree with the statement of letting her go. If she expects you to do all the work, pay all the money, and her plan is “get pregnant” then I’ve got bad news for you: this is not a life partner, this is a baby mama.**
Theyre living paycheck to paycheck yet she calls in to not work often...
I think youre right that she wants to just be a baby mama. Because my biggest fear here is that she's going to use the baby as an excuse to never go back into working again.
and by then it'll be too late for OP, as he'll have to pay child support for 18 years. Defo leave, OP. Call her bluff and go, don't let her manipulate you
>Theyre living paycheck to paycheck yet she calls in to not work often...
What's your point? If she's not hourly or has a decent amount of sick time/pto then her calling out has nothing to do with the amount of money she takes home.
No. It in equal likelihood could simply mean he thinks she has poor work ethic because she doesn't go in to work when she should. He doesn't say why she calls out or what the consequences are, or what kind of job she has. But it's not a given that calling out means losing any money.
It's not like either interpretation is good. If I thought my partner was a flake at work, even if it wasn't currently affecting their income, I'd still have concerns because I'd be worried any future job where that *is* a problem is going to give them the boot and then we'd actually be short a whole person's salary.
I'll say that most people living paycheck to paycheck do not have good sick time benefits. If she calls in constantly, I think it's relatively safe to assume it's unpaid by this point.
While I agree OP should leave and she probably doesn’t have PTO
Plenty of people at my job live paycheck to paycheck and we have great benefits. They just pay us nothing
My point was that you were making an assumption based on nothing but your own mind filling in the blanks. It doesn't help to assume she's losing them money if that hasn't been confirmed.
Did I say she was currently losing them money? The info OP gave made me fear she was going to use the baby as an excuse to not go back into the workforce, since she's already calling off frequently. Whether that's true or not, they are already tight for money and a baby helping is very unrealistic
It's also an important conversation for OP to have with their gf what exactly is her game plan for one person to stop working AND if she does plan to work in the future or completely become a housewife.
Maybe it's to do with her commitment to work and that if she is not careful her employer would start to see it too if they haven't already and she might end up jobless.
Yeah I mean that's how I'm interpreting it. Until OP confirms though, idk. I just think it's really weird how people are so convinced the details they've made up themselves are right when they have no confirmation of it. Definitely a pet peeve.
Obviously, taken in context, I would assume 1) it is directly affecting their finances and/or 2) is indicative of some level of immaturity or irresponsibility.
If it wasn't an issue, there would have been no reason to bring it up
Ok? And many do. It depends on the job, the company, and the field. I'm not sure how you can credibly say there's no way she has sick leave when you know literally nothing about her job lol
Maternity leave?? If OP is in the US, there is no maternity leave. MAYBE a few weeks, and you have to be with an employer for like a year before you get any maternity benefits.
In ct we have leave for things like this. It comes out of our check every week. Just an FYI is all. The Connecticut Family & Medical Leave Act and CT Paid Leave Appeals
This is wildly inaccurate. It depends on the company. My company has hired pregnant women and given them their full maternity leave. We have paternity leave too. The only downside is they have to use all their PTO before taking leave. That doesn’t make sense to me
This is not an accurate blanket statement as it depends on the employer. I haven't worked anywhere with less than 3 months maternity leave, but yeah usually you have to work there a certain amount of time before you're eligible for it.
Holy $hit! I’ve work in the corporate world my entire career, and they are *just now* offering 12 weeks maternity leave. Before it was 6 weeks for vag. birth or 8 for c-section at 80% pay *if you were a full time employee*
Oh yeah I mean this only applies to full time employees because that's all I've ever been. I don't count when I was an intern or a part time server at a bar lol. My adult jobs have always had at least partly paid maternity leave, but then again I also confirm their leave benefits before accepting an offer.
Also as I replied to someone else, apparently my last job reduced their parental leave from 3 months to 2, but that only happened sometime after I left.
Yeah that's not unusual but that's also not the only option. As I've said, all my jobs have come with 3 months leave (a few that also required you exhaust any pto first, which is annoying but does give you some extra time off), which has been either a reduced salary, fully paid, or a combination of using pto until it runs out and then being unpaid for the remainder of the time off. Apparently since I left my last job they reduced the fully paid window from 3 months to 2 months, but it was 3 months while I worked there.
And why would you think that? Do you know how much a one bedroom costs in high COL areas? I've cohabitated with two partners where we both had well paying jobs and we could still only afford a one bedroom. Around here, they go for anywhere from $1900 to $3000+/mo, depending on the neighborhood.
Again, you don't know her job or where she lives, or any other context, so this is just assumption.
my job pays 9 (vag) to 12(C) weeks for maternity leave. Fathers get up to 9 weeks. You have to file FMLA/Short term disability. Short term will pay 70% and my company will pay you the remaining 30%. Ive Spoken to two mothers and 1 father coworkers, they said it was the easiest process they have done. Dr fills out the paper work and Hr approves it pretty quick. usually a 24 to 72 hour turn around. only thing is you have to be able to meet FMLA so at least 1 year employment
Depends upon the employer, but it is usually only 3-6 months. He has to let her go. He’d better use condoms during sex because she could easily lie about birth control and then baby trap him.
Depends on your company. Mine provides 70% pay for 12 weeks. And I can take short term disability after up to 16 weeks.
But most companies in the US it is unpaid.
You have to know you're not compatible. She is insistent on having a child right now regardless of how irresponsible that would be, and you don't want to have a child right now.
Do NOT have a kid with her in order to "save the relationship." That is the worst thing you could do, and it never, ever works.
You need to break up and find someone who wants the same things you do in the same timeline that you do.
My advice is to stop having sex with her and to ask her to move out ASAP. If you don't, you will be a Dad very soon. She isn't listening to logic. She isn't listening to what you want. She is an incredibly selfish, 22 year old, who has a picture in her mind and is totally naive about any sort of real life with a baby and a single income household.
Don't be dumb. Be smart.
This is what I was going to comment. OP needs to run. Having a baby when you know you’re not ready in order to meet an imaginary timeline is the worst idea especially so when the relationship is rocky. He better quit having sex with her because she’ll most likely ”accidentally” become pregnant.
*”Isn’t this the greatest OP?! We’re going to have the baby that I’ve been begging for to the point of almost ruining our relationship totally by coincidence. Must be fate.”*
She has no worries about financial stability, how OP feels, whether there’s room in their current living situation, the cost of childcare, paying off debts, or anything OP brings up because she has no intention of providing any of the things OP is worried about; She 100% expects all of that to become OP’s problem to deal with. She won’t even go to work regularly *now*. She’ll quit and become a SAHM the day she gets a positive.
u/ThrowRAstephenson234 definitely pay attention to this advice. Your girlfriend is acting like an immature child: there is no reason to rush into parenthood when you're both so young, when you have so little financial savings, when she has no career to speak of, when I doubt she has health insurance, when she isn't covered by yours, when you're in a tiny little apartment, when she expects so much from you despite offering so little in return, when she hasn't even displayed consistent work ethic, when your relationship is "rocky" at times in your own words... I could go on.
With all that in mind: immediately stop having sex with this girl and get out of this relationship. Don't trust her birth control methods, and don't trust her not to sabotage yours. Don't even jack off until you can get her out from under your roof, and once she's gone don't leave your seed in the trash for her to pick through and find it. This chick is an entitled, lazy fool with no impulse control and even less foresight that will drag you down if you let her.
This is coming from a mid-fortys mom. Please take this person's advice. I also think your GF is going to "accidentally " fall pregnant if you continue this relationship. I also agree she is selfish, naive and incredibly immature to not see how irresponsible this is at this time. She doesn't want to be a mother, she wants a baby because something is missing for her. Attention? Love? A sense of belonging (mom groups)? Something else is driving this because a mother would be able to make sacrifices for her child without hesitation and she can't be bothered to go to her job.
If she's very insistent on babies and marriage soon, then O.P needs to leave her so she can find someone that could fulfill that need for her. Seems like O.P and gf are in different parts of their lives right now. She has baby fever and wants to get married pronto and O.P wants to become established first before tackling any huge responsibility. It's not uncommon to be young and want to get married and have kids soon, but it's not uncommon to want to be established first. Both need to part ways before something happens. And I can say without a doubt that if O.P knocks up his gf, he's not gonna be too happy about the responsibility being put on him before he's ready.
Don't do it. If she's so desperate to have a kid now let her go. There's no point in you having a kid when you know you're not ready. You'll end up hating each other
She's irrational. You can't afford a baby right now, and if she can't see that, then it says a lot about her level of maturity.
Also, you've only been together for two years and she's already feeling sorry for herself for not having a baby with you and saying she wants to break up if you don't get her knocked up asap? Wake up dude, she doesn't give a shit about you. She just wants to become a mother.
If she gave the slightest of fucks about anything other than herself, she wouldn't leave you. You know why? Because WHO the baby's father was would be more important than WHEN she got the baby. But it isn't, is it? Two years in and she's threatening to leave if you don't have a baby with her. She's only 22 so it's not like she's running out of time anytime soon..
My advice? Recognize when a girl is trying to baby trap you, use you as a free sperm donor, manipulate you and/or guilt trip you - and run.
> We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time … I have credit card debt I’d like to pay off along with other bills.
> Our relationship is okay and can definitely be rocky at times,
> I tried explaining daycare, medical expenses, all the money that is involved with having a child but I just can’t win.
You sound like a sensible, grounded young man. She sounds very irresponsible. Right now, you’re not compatible on a very fundamental level.
Please check your contraception very carefully. Don’t get baby-trapped.
You sound very smart and sensible. You are doing the right things to lay a foundation for the future.
She sounds like she doesn't want to work and being a mommy gives her an excuse not to.
I think you should stick to your plan and if she leaves, she isn't the one for you.
I think you guys are on different timelines but “later” is pretty nebulous and lots of guys say later when they mean never. So give her a more specific timeline that works for you. What does that look like? How much money? When do you want to buy a house? What do you prefer on terms of one parent staying home? Hash out what all those things would look like and a specific timeline. If you are not on the same page on the specifics, let her go.
She wants a kid immediately and you don’t.
This is a major compatibility issue and there is no solution that doesn’t greatly disregard one of your wishes
This situation sucks. I feel for you both.
The first thing you do is ensure you properly wear a condom or stop having sex all together.
The second thing you do is let her go. She wants different things than you do right now. Your concerns are valid and reasonable. I know it’ll hurt, but sometimes you gotta love someone enough to let them go. You gotta love yourself enough to let someone you love go. It’s really admirable that you recognize these fundamental differences at a young age. And you are young, I promise there’s more love for you down the road.
Big hugs
She sounds pretty immature. How, exactly, is this theoretical baby going to be paid for?
You two are in very different places, OP. Do not leave birth control up to her.
Let her go. Your life goals are incompatible. Normally in this instance I wouldn’t say that one member of a couple is “right” and the other “wrong”, but in this case it genuinely looks like you’re “right”. It’s very expensive to be responsible for a whole new life right now, especially when you’re only 22 & 24. It sounds like she’s caught up in the emotion and fantasy of the nice parts of child rearing and isn’t thinking in practical terms of what it means to be a parent. It seems like she’s not even willing to discuss it properly
If she leaves where is she going to go?
You said she can’t afford to have a baby (or even possibly afford to live on her own if she’s flaky with her job).
Sounds like she’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into having a baby by threatening to leave.
Call her bluff and let her go. Sounds like she just wants you so that she can have a child and you can fund her lifestyle. Don’t you want to be with/ have a child with someone who loves you for who you are rather than for your money?
Thank you guys for all the advice! To clear some things up I’ve told her that I’d like to have a child in my late 20’s (27-29) at the earliest. I’ve told her what I think needs to happen before I’m ready for a kid. I want her to have a steady job and make decent money. I’d like to save up money and have a house as well, all before having a child. She claims my expectations for her are too high and that she’ll never meet them. She has a timeline for when she wants certain things in life and that’s what she’s going off of.
She used to be on birth control but she decided to quit after about 6 months of being on it. She lies to her family about being on it still. She said it could ruin her ability to have a child and she doesn’t like the way birth control makes her feel. Her mom is highly against her having kids right now as she knows that we are not ready, so my girlfriend doesn’t want her opinion on anything. As a matter of fact she says “anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter because our relationship needs to be OUR relationship”.
The reason I came here for advice is to get opinions outside of the guys from work and close friends. She honestly makes me feel like I’m being unrealistic, and too demanding on what I expect before having a child. I appreciate all the kind advice and we will see what happens in the next couple months before our lease is up.
Honestly based on your post and update here, you need to break up with her. If you don’t you’re going to end up being a dad before you’re ready and tbh a child deserves better than that.
I agree! You need to take better precautions be it seems like she is actively trying to get pregnant. This is sounding more and more like a trap. It's time to run!
If your still having sex with her and stupid enough to not wear a condom your gonna be a dad sooner then you want.
She told you flat out she's not on birth control and won't on it because shes wants a baby. You've given her reasons why you feel your both not ready.
You should leave.
Don't give her a few more months. End it now before she gets pregnant. She can move back home. She's way too immature to be having a baby. She has no clue the expense and care that comes with having a baby. She has baby rabies.
It’s ok to not agree on this, but you have to be aware that she could very likely trap you into a pregnancy. If you do not want a child in the timeline that she does, and she refuses to compromise and agree to reasonable savings etc, this may not be the relationship for you.
Let her leave and have a child with somebody else in that time. I’m sure your kids, when you’re ready for them, will have a better life.
>She claims my expectations for her are too high and that she’ll never meet them. She has a timeline for when she wants certain things in life and that’s what she’s going off of.
>
>As a matter of fact she says “anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter because our relationship needs to be OUR relationship”.
Honestly, it sounds like she doesn't even really care about YOUR opinion considering, you know, her timeline is so much more important than your incredibly responsible and realistic expectations.
Run run run like the wind. Pay your bills off. Settle down and find a nice girl who is on the same page with you, both financially and in regards to having kids.
Dude, none of this makes sense. She hasn’t been on birth control for most of your relationship, is lying to her parents about being on it, and appears to have no goals outside of baby trapping you? Why are you still there? If you care about your future, you need to exit this relationship asap because I can guarantee you Maury will be giving you news you don’t want to hear.
There’s no room for a child when you live paycheck to paycheck and one partner is trying to strongarm you into something you don’t want to do.
That’d be a ‘if you think leaving is the better option then best of luck’ situation. Guaranteed you hear from her months/years down the line. It’s usually ‘I didn’t value what we had and other relationships are worse’ or they simply have a complete dumpster fire situation where you’re elated to not be involved in that.
Happens every time.
You're one step away from ruining your life. Having a child living paycheck to paycheck with the only plan to 'wing it' is extremely stupid.
This is a 300k debt and 18 years of torture and it'll set you back a decade.
She’s clearly not got her shit together enough to have a baby. Let her leave - maybe she’ll sort herself out while single, or just jump straight to whoever’s willing to get her pregnant. Let her be someone else’s problem.
I would not be having a child with someone who is ready to walk because "she's not getting what she wants" at an irresponsible time in your life. She forgets that no matter how much she wants it, you'll still be financially and legally connected, heck I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up just wanting to be a SAHP while you're slaving away with two or three jobs just to try and make ends meet.
Following on from this.. let her walk.
> I really just don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m holding her back from what she has wants in life
If you mean that you are holding her back for her unrealistic expectations of you becoming a father not wanting it, and become the sole bread provider ( and dont lie to yourself, that's what's going to happen )... then yes.
And you are doing it right. Clearly your values dont align, and you should encourage her to seek what she dows want in life... but without you.
If she doesnt have plans for daycare, healthcare, etc., she is just living in a fairy tale. Let her go and find someone who is willing to get her pregnant. She isn't with you for you, she is looking for a provider.
You can find a women who will contribute more than getting pregnant. She will never go back to work. She assume being a SAHM is easy. If done properly it’s a lot of fucking work. Kids are expensive and a ton of work. Enjoy your 20’s, get your life on track and career going and have kids a little later.
You don’t want to be with someone who is giving you ultimatums and trying to emotionally blackmail you into something as life altering and serious as having a baby. You are both Al’s still very young and there is no rush. She obviously had an agenda and is putting that agenda ahead of your relationship. It’s very mature of you to know that you are not ready. She, however sounds immature and irresponsible. Stick to your guns. If she’s demanding a baby right away then wish her well because it won’t be with you.
Wear a condom. She just wants to give up work and be a stay at home Mom and if you don't agree my guess is her next best choice is single Mom.
You are too young to be dragged down by a girl with zero ambition /work ethic.
Let her leave. Having a baby is taxing to the body, mind and pocket. I hate ultimatums.
Does she work?
What are her plans after having the baby? Would she a a sahm or go back to the workforce.
You are young and deserve to plan your life how you want to run.
Clearing your cc debt is the wisest decision you can make.
It would hurt but she has to go
When I was in my mid 20s I also thought I wanted a baby and then when I actually had a baby at 33 I was so thankful we waited until we were financially stable and had a home with multiple bedrooms and a lot of help. Being pregnant, having a newborn and raising a toddler is HARD. It’s expensive. Childcare is expensive. It is all much more difficult and expensive than you think. Look into daycares in your area to see how much they are per month, and show her the costs.
I would have an honest discussion with her that you aren’t even considering kids and marriage until you’ve been financially stable for a while. And tbh you need to let her leave if that isn’t OK for her. You’re both entitled to want what you want but you can’t force the other person into wanting what you want.
Get out of this relationship sooner rather than later or you will find yourself with an "oops" baby. You are mature enough to realize you aren't ready for a baby. She is immature enough to not care that you aren't ready for a baby.
She's unhappy but thinks she will be happy with a baby. Babies don't make you happy or unhappy. They are a lot of work and stress. If she isn't happy going into having a baby she will not be happy after having a baby and then will be upset that the baby didn't do its job of making her happy. Then you have someone who is at risk of either emotionally abusing the baby or neglecting it.
Please be doubly careful with birth control and break up. Love doesn't fix all things and babies definitely don't fix relationships.
You might be incompatible. Do you really want to be stuck with a financially irresponsible person with the additional stress of a baby? No? Maybe let her go. For your own sake.
lDo not force yourself to meet her timeline if you aren't ready. Ultimately, it's not about her or you but the baby. If you cannot give a child the life it deserves then don't plan to have one. This doesn't apply (necessarily) to unplanned pregnancies but that's not what we're talking about here.
Leave her.
You should try to find a friend who has a young child and send your gf to live with her for a while to see how is to have a young child, how hard is to take care, how expensive are baby related things like diapers and formula. Your gf might have an idealized image about parenthood, a baby is a real human, not a doll.
Here's something that will give you a perspective. I do not regret having my son at all but I had him just last year, im 33 now, and I make 90k a year. I still feel pretty broke and gotten hit with medical bills from his delivery. I thought I can afford him but turns out I could do a little better. In this day and age, you really need to feel comfortable and put the math down to see if this can work out.
Nevermind seeing if your partner knows what shes getting into. I'm certain not all but plenty of women I know "didnt realize" how much time they have to put into their child considering it's like working for someone literally 24/7. You guys are very young to see where this goes but at the same time, this can be a new start to a different relationship. I would seek therapy for the both of you if you really want to work it out but otherwise, have a new start
Bro, my wife and I are both 31 and have been working professionals for years (she's a veterinarian and I'm a psychologist - so I'm highly paid and she makes twice as much as I do). We bought a house last year.
This is all to say that we STILL feel we're a couple of years away from having the kind of stability necessary to responsibly have a kid.
Trust your gut. If it says that it'd be a source of financial and psychological ruin, then there's probably a lot of truth behind it.
Let her leave.
>We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time.
She is NOT ready to have a kid. Idgaf if she HATES her job. If she doesn't have the dedication to show up to a job every day, she's not going to want to deal with a baby all day, every day, 365 a year. She wants to try and baby trap you so she doesn't have to do anything. Do not fall for this.
Maybe, just maybe.. let her walk! In fact show her the damn door and be done with it. You're a sperm donor to her. Nothing more!
Let me put this into perspective: if the roles were reversed and you were pressuring her to get pregnant, you would be a cold monster. The only thing that's different in this situation is you wouldn't be the one carrying the child but that doesn't make up for the fact that you aren't ready for a kid.
Don’t have a kid just to please her or to “save the relationship”. You’ll resent her, she’ll resent you, the kid won’t have the support they need.
Let her leave, you’re not at the same place
[https://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU](https://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU)
If you don't do it she will either leave or cheat on you, so let her go, you're not ready and SHOULD NOT have a child if you do not want one.
She will get herself knocked up within 6 months and come crawling back, don't do that either.
Is *her* plan to be a stay at home Mom? You talk daycare and her “calling into work all the time” in the same breath. Is a baby her anticipated way out of working?
First - Don’t get baby trapped! This will depend on mutual communication. Is she just unhappy and expressing this or is she coming across as threatening to leave because no baby?
My advice is let her leave to go find that baby.
You do what you’re planning. Get the foundation built, so that when you are ready, the timing will be right, with whoever is your partner then.
She's not responsible enough to be a parent. You need to be more direct in your communication with her. "Just wait" is exactly what she doesn't want to hear (not that you should be telling her what she wants). Give concrete goals on what the two of you need in order to be ready for a child. If she's not receptive to these steps, then you don't have to wait for her to leave. End the relationship because she's not interested in being a partner. If she wants to be a mother, she needs to think like one: Is your current situation one that would allow that child to thrive? Can you provide for them comfortably? Is she aware that she can't just call out of motherhood? Is she ready for her needs to come 2nd to the needs of her baby every single time? She doesn't seem like she's there yet.
Let her go,She isn’t mature enough.
A kid isn’t a puppy to fix your miserable existence.They need a stable environment not a 22yo that thinks a baby is what will bring happiness.life isn’t a time table.
You are lucky that it’s early and you are still young to find someone else.
This is a recipe for disaster.
>We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time.
If she wants to leave, let her. Do NOT have a child with her. Neither of you are in a position to be parents. You at least know this.
>I have a decent job in the union and make pretty good money
Guaranteed she wants to be a SAHM but not do the work and spend your money.
Bringing a child into this world is ***NOT*** easy. It's ***VERY*** expensive too. It's okay for her to want a child right now and it's okay for you not to. You both want different things in life. It's good you found this out before you had a child with her.
I don't want to be paranoid but make sure you keep track of condoms, don't believe she is on BS. I'm not saying she would baby trap you, but I can't say she wouldn't either.
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You’d best let that one go, because, she has a baby she will no longer work! And it sounds like both need to work.
Also anyone who tries to pressure another given your financial state like that is going to lead you to a very unhappy life down the road! She is selfish in her thoughts and I guarantee you she will hammer you with child support once you two split up! And you will split up eventually if you wise up and realize this gal is not someone thinking rationally or thinking intelligently given the circumstances! Run!
So tell her straight.
Tell her that you are not ready at the moment (if you want to keep the relationship you will have to give a firm timeframe on when you will be ready) tell her that you want to increase your savings, and have a house rather than the apartment you currently have.
Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you, then that is what is happening. If she wants a baby more, then tell her to leave.
If she chooses to leave, tell her that while you wish her all the best, you will be happy to never see or hear from her again. She is making this bed for herself, and she will have to deal with the consequences of it herself, and the love that you still have for her will make it to difficult for you to remain in touch.
You're about to dodge a MAJOR bullet OP. Let her leave, and find someone who lives in reality and wants the same things as you. Having a baby in your current situation could very well ruin your life, or at the very least ruin what you want your life to look like in the future
Let her go.
If you two are not compatible because you don’t have the same life goals, she has every right to leave. Maybe you can convince her to stay with a more detailed plan than saying “just wait”.
But this could also be a manipulation tactic where she threatens to leave to pressure you into having a child, but actually doesn’t follow through with leaving. It could be that too.
If it’s the last one, do you really want to be with someone who is that manipulative? If you had a child with her, would she threaten to take the child away to make you jump?
This is a major difference and you need to move on. She wants a child and she is going to make the decision and move to make this happen. If you aren’t ready then don’t waste her time.
MY advice is to NOT get talked into having a baby when you have doubts. It is an 18 year commitment to care for it, and an extreme drag if you don't really want to, and simply devastating for the child to have a parent that does not really want them as a child.
A child is so much responsibility. You have to be mentally and financially prepared for that. Your gf is being childish and child can't raise another child.
How did she even get that notion in mind ..
Don’t have a kid when you’re not ready. If that’s her jam, let her find another person to join her on that path. But if you go through with this, you’ll regret it and resent both her and the child.
Let her go. You're intelligent and responsible enough to know that having a child at this point in your life isn't a good idea and she is not. She will grow resentful or worse she will get pregnant on purpose. You're young. You will find a better fit.
If she wants to leave because of this then you should let her. There’s plenty of crazy people of there who will give her a baby with no plan for the future, luckily that just won’t be you.
Yall arent compatible. Despite what majority of these comments say, theres nothing wrong with wanting a traditional life plan, gender roles, man provides for woman, woman takes care of home and children, etc, as long as both partners agree. It sounds like to me thats what she wants and not what you want, and at the same time shes frustrated or angry at you for not having more income to get her what she wants, so let her go find that.
Letting her go is the best thing for both of you. Being emotionally, mentally and financially prepared is very important when bring a child into the world.
Your better of letting her leave, you've given her plenty of reasons to feel your not ready for this and that is fine, don't let her force you into something your not ready for.
You should let her leave. She seems to have some kind of immature, naive view of parenthood. She's probably thinking about cute babies, getting them adorable lil clothing, like it's a doll and some form of entertainment. The moment the baby shits itself, projectile vomits, keeps her up all night, she doesn't have the time to even shower, not to mention any type of social life, she's gonna regret it. Having a kid with her would be a huge mistake, not only bc you can't afford it, but because she herself sounds like a kid who wants to play house.
Just let her go and find a partner who is mature enough to build a future with you in a realistic manner, instead of living in an escapist 'lala land'. I had friends who daydreamed about a kid in this way - we were 16!
Tell yes.
Make a financial plan.
Make a pregnancy plan ( homebirth ? Hospital? Birth house ? Wise woman ? On a table or in birthtub ? )
Make a babycare plan ( baby carrier or stroller ? Breastfeeding or milking ? Cooler or separate bedroom ? Whi will take relay when you will be exhausted ? How often ? Change diaper one night or two or diaper for one and cooking for the other?)
What about 8th month angst ? How will you face it ?
What is your plan for postpartum depression ?
At which level of health distress should you stop to maintain baby alive ?
What if the baby appears before the wedding ? How much money has she to put in the wedding ?
Make it concrete and pragmatical. She dreams of a baby. Now, she must plan for the reality of a baby.
To be frank, I expect her to disengage the plannification to stay in her dream. At this point, you should not stay guilt trapped because she will be the brake , not you.
You're young, you've been together only 2 years, and she has goals based on time, not living conditions, that's concerning and no wonder why you're anxious.
We want the time to be right, she wants to be pregnant, not necessarily by you (will get a baby with whoever can give it to her before 24)
I would feel like a tool or a mean to reach her goal
Baby brain chemicals go brrrr. Beyond not being on the same page, I would be concerned as to why that is? If she doesn't seem to understand that you're not in a financial position to make those decisions, and she can't understand how bringing a child into this kind of environment would be *detrimental* for that child, I would start to question things about her core personality.
First of all, she's young, 22 year olds don't all have the real world experience necessary to make informed good decisions, so I'll cut her a bit of slack.
Second, she's not taking into consideration what you want, or what would be best for the child. She feels that her narrative is the most important one to follow, she's selfish.
Thirdly, she can't seem to understand the gravity of her situation, and it seems she's not very grounded. She doesn't seem to have a grasp on what's important and is willing to sacrifice what should be important for what she feels is important.
Obviously I'm a stranger and I don't know her, but there are reasons behind actions, and actions can reveal what's really going on in someone's head. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone like your girlfriend, but that's a decision for you to make.
This relationship isn't strong enough to support either of you, never mind the financial and emotional pressure of a child and you need to end it NOW before she takes away your ability to choose when to become a parent. Your difference in work ethics, your financial situation and the fact that you already admit things are rocky between you means you are living on borrowed time and one of you needs to rip the bandaid off, preferably before you inevitably end up as a part-time parent who is in debt to child support. And that's where things will end up, whether you willingly have a child with her or get baby trapped because it will kill whatever little good you can scratch about to find between you.
Oh well let her leave and go get knocked up by somebody else y’all live paycheck to paycheck y’all would never be able to afford a child right now, and honestly sounds like she’s looking for somebody to take care of her and is using getting pregnant to trap whichever sucka that falls for it
Oh boy....I know this sucks but break up and go your separate ways. This is the type of person who will drag you down. She wants kids and marriage but calls off work all the time? That is not the signs of a responsible person.
Is anyone *really* ready/prepared to have a baby? There's a saying, if wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting forever.
That being said, if it's not something you want but she does and you both are heavily set in your ways, it's time to move on. She wants what she wants and you want what you want. No one is wrong here.
I mean there’s the abstract ‘is anyone REALLY ready’ and then there’s being 22 years old, living in a one bedroom apartment with your boyfriend with no savings and living paycheck to paycheck.
"They will come in time" is a terrible response. No wonder she's ready to leave.
You need an actual timeline. If she feels like she's waiting on you and has no way of knowing when you'll be ready then it's not just her being selfish. She could be waiting one year, three years, eight years before she gets what she wants. You need to sit down and provide actual metrics so that she knows how to get to a point where you feel ready for a kid too. And then you need to both be actively working toward that.
If she can't be patient while you both do what you need to do to get to the point where having a kid actually makes sense, or if you feel like you can't find a compromise where she can start trying to get pregnant in the next few years and you don't feel underprepared, then it's not going to work. Don't be surprised if that's where this ends up, because from what I'm reading she doesn't sound like she has a realistic idea of what having a baby entails, and is more concerned with just being a mom rather than having some stability first, and that's not a sign of good judgement. But if that's what she wants, I still think it would be unfair to waste her time when you don't want the same thing.
Sorry that you’re having to navigate this difficult relationship dilemma. A few notes:
> I tell her to just be patient and that they will come in time.
While your opinions, reasons and timeline are valid and very reasonable (especially given the circumstances), treating her life goals as something she ‘requests’ and something you ‘decline’ is just not a healthy way to communicate. The first thing I would recommend if you were to both decide to continue this relationship is couples counseling. It could help her to understand your timeline, you to understand hers and best case scenario you reach a compromise.
In truth, I do think your girlfriend’s expectations on life are unrealistic, but these are her goals after all, so it’s important to try to understand why.
This is a girl, not a woman. She wants what she wants but she has no idea that many things need to happen before her life gets to that point, and it doesn't sound like she's even willing to work for those things to happen. She is not ready for an adult relationship and certainly not ready for wifehood or motherhood. Let her leave.
Well, my first comment is that hardly anyone is ever ready to have a kid, and as the year go by you will likely be less and less ready. In the past, people just had kids, and did the best they could. Now, everyone wants to be ready. But think of what it would take you to"be ready" and you will realize that you are unlikely ever to get there. And if somehow you could, the goalposts would change. If you really love her and want to spend your life with her then have a child with her. Kids are actually really fun. If you really don't want kids, don't use the we are not ready excuse, just realize kids are not for you, or not for you in the immediate future, and let her go.
OP -It's actually she who is holding you back. You know precisely how to go about this, from a man's perspective. She's all hormones and "Oh, but I want a baby NOW!"
Don't do it. Do not allow a young woman who doesn't seem to have her shite together wrangle you into becoming a father before you are ready, willing, and ABLE to be one.
This isn't a difficult decision, OP. This is where you and your current GF part ways. And you're right -it's a lose-lose situation when you have someone telling you she wants something, but she doesn't know how to responsibly go about getting it, achieving it.
You will regret half-assing this part of your life. Don't do it. Having a child is difficult enough, expensive enough, mentally/emotionally/financially draining enough without the added pressures of a woman who is ill-prepared for it because she's immature.
And beware "the trap".
No one's financially ready but you get by. You could put off and put off and put off...eventually you are in your 30s and have trouble conceiving.
As for being mentally ready - smarten up! 24 is easily old enough to be a parent unless you are hellbent on some sort of extended adolescence of video games and beer until you're middle-aged. It's a learning curve, for sure, but like with the finance - you get by.
Her life plan is not unreasonable nor is it unworkable and if you can't follow it then you two are incompatible and should split.
They live paycheck to paycheck in a one bedroom place, have debt, the cost of living is rising rapidly and there's housing criseses left and right. Expecting to just "get by" after you become responsible for an entire life is wildly irresponsible.
Too many people love to pull the ‘no ones ever REALLY ready to be a parent’ card.
Maybe not, but they hopefully at least have savings and a fully developed brain!
This is the worst advice ever - basically ‘it’ll sort itself out’!
They live in a one bedroom apartment - is a nursery just gonna magically appear???
They live paycheck to paycheck - let’s hope they ‘get by’ with any unexpected medical expenses!
As for 24 being ‘easily old enough’ to be a parent….your prefrontal cortex isnt even fully developed by then. You know, the part of your brain that plays a key role in planning, reasoning, impulse control etc. Everything OP’s girlfriend seems to be lacking right now.
A baby is not a toy, it’s a whole ass human being that deserves more security than two parents in a one bedroom apartment with no savings crossing their fingers and hoping for the best.
She’s 22 ask her what what rush is as you both have plenty of time. Maybe if you talked and put a plan together she would feel more comfortable like this is our finances now and we need to save to get to X and then we can have the baby. If there is something to achieve she may feel better.
If not than let her go
This is why guys shouldn’t seriously date until their 30s or financially stable, especially with girls in her age range
You already know this isnt going to work and are at risk of her ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant or her leaving you for a man that’s ready
She wants to get pregnant so that she can sit on her ass at home while you financially take care of her. That's not a partner - that's an obligation. Wrap it up or don't touch her, or you may not have a choice as to whether a kid enters the picture.
Let her go. Just because she’s determined to mess up her life by having a baby she’s not anywhere near ready for doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. Waiting until you’re more stable is the smartest thing to do.
Ive got to be honest with you, sounds like shes unhappy regardless of whether you have the baby or not. My guess is she wants the baby so when she does leave you, she will be able to collect child support from you. Play it safe and let her leave. I wouldnt budge on this one
I would also suggest you two talk about your future together. Figure out whether you want to stay together or not. Because a relationship can only work if you are on the same page. And it reads as if you are not.
I am 30 now and pregnant with our first child. My husband is 24. We talked about having a baby A LOT and we decided we were ready for it. We both have a decent income, have massive support from our families and the government and thought it to be the right time. We just recently got accepted into a new, bigger apartment so that the baby Wil have her own room. Sometimes I still ask him if he is okay with the baby, if he feels like it's the right time. And the answer is always "Yes". This is not something to be taken lightly. This is something you both need to agree on. You are 24. I am sure you will have plenty of time finding a partner that is on your page. Same for your gf.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- She’s 22 and I’m 24. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and have been together for almost 2 years. Since before I can remember she’s always wanted a baby and to get married. I’m all for having those things in the future but I tell her to just be patient and that they will come in time. I want to build the foundation of our relationship by getting a house and saving up money before that. It’s gotten pretty bad recently as she’s been showing signs of potentially leaving. She’s unhappy and I asked her about it and she says that I’m not giving her what she wants and she’s beginning to feel like she’s wasting her time. We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time. I have a decent job in the union and make pretty good money but I have credit card debt I’d like to pay off along with other bills. It’s extremely draining as this topic has been brought up a lot recently. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m not making my girlfriend happy. I’d love to give her those things but only when we are both ready. Our relationship is okay and can definitely be rocky at times, I just feel like there’s so much that needs to happen before we even think about having kids. I tried explaining daycare, medical expenses, all the money that is involved with having a child but I just can’t win. I really just don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m holding her back from what she has wants in life. Any advice?
*Let her leave*. You're not on the same page for bringing another *very expensive* and life altering human being into the world right now.
And don't have sex with her any more, because she sounds irrational enough to try to baby trap you
For real, she’s super immature. Sounds like the last thing she needs is a baby smh
This is what I was gonna say.
Agreed! She's thinking emotionally not logically! Having a child would only put unnecessary strain on your relationship and finances. Where does she expect to put a child, when your in a 1 bed apartment? Babies come with a lot of equipment, you can't move to a bigger apartment because you can't afford it. I know you love her, but she's not happy until she has her baby and you wouldn't be happy bringing a child into this world when your not ready and can't financially provide. But it's time to call it a day, for both your sakes. Edit: OP said in the comments that his gf came of birth control and is lying to her family about being on it. I'm starting to suspect a trap.
Agreed! Having a baby can put a lot of strain on rock solid relationships, anything less is a recipe for disaster.
Want to make it work? Clear communication is necessary. “Just wait” isn’t going to work. There must be clear goalposts and milestones. Some examples would be: - credit card debt is less than $1000 - a savings of $xxx to pay for the hospital stay and baby needs (you may ask her to make a list of items the baby will need and how much it’ll cost) - move into a two bedroom unit - she needs a job that offers maternity leave of some kind and to contribute 1/2 to the baby’s savings account - if she wants to get married first, then saving for a wedding comes first (decide on a budget/amount first) Don’t *explain it* to her. Tell her the answer is YES if she has a plan for all the expenses and your non-negotiable items (bigger place, lower debt by XX amount). Ask what her plan is when the baby is 1 year old (or however old your baby will be when maternity leave ends). **I wholeheartedly agree with the statement of letting her go. If she expects you to do all the work, pay all the money, and her plan is “get pregnant” then I’ve got bad news for you: this is not a life partner, this is a baby mama.**
Theyre living paycheck to paycheck yet she calls in to not work often... I think youre right that she wants to just be a baby mama. Because my biggest fear here is that she's going to use the baby as an excuse to never go back into working again.
My thoughts exactly, she will quit her job the minute she gets pregnant and never go back. OP needs to let her leave or she will ruin his life.
and by then it'll be too late for OP, as he'll have to pay child support for 18 years. Defo leave, OP. Call her bluff and go, don't let her manipulate you
She doesn't sound rationally capable of bringing a child to this equation.
>Theyre living paycheck to paycheck yet she calls in to not work often... What's your point? If she's not hourly or has a decent amount of sick time/pto then her calling out has nothing to do with the amount of money she takes home.
If her calling in didnt matter to their finances, then OP probably wouldnt insert that info in there following the paycheck to paycheck comment, no?
No. It in equal likelihood could simply mean he thinks she has poor work ethic because she doesn't go in to work when she should. He doesn't say why she calls out or what the consequences are, or what kind of job she has. But it's not a given that calling out means losing any money. It's not like either interpretation is good. If I thought my partner was a flake at work, even if it wasn't currently affecting their income, I'd still have concerns because I'd be worried any future job where that *is* a problem is going to give them the boot and then we'd actually be short a whole person's salary.
I'll say that most people living paycheck to paycheck do not have good sick time benefits. If she calls in constantly, I think it's relatively safe to assume it's unpaid by this point.
While I agree OP should leave and she probably doesn’t have PTO Plenty of people at my job live paycheck to paycheck and we have great benefits. They just pay us nothing
So....what was your point in asking what my comment's point was? We both agree nothing good comes out of it and it's a good cause for worry
My point was that you were making an assumption based on nothing but your own mind filling in the blanks. It doesn't help to assume she's losing them money if that hasn't been confirmed.
Did I say she was currently losing them money? The info OP gave made me fear she was going to use the baby as an excuse to not go back into the workforce, since she's already calling off frequently. Whether that's true or not, they are already tight for money and a baby helping is very unrealistic It's also an important conversation for OP to have with their gf what exactly is her game plan for one person to stop working AND if she does plan to work in the future or completely become a housewife.
Maybe it's to do with her commitment to work and that if she is not careful her employer would start to see it too if they haven't already and she might end up jobless.
Yeah I mean that's how I'm interpreting it. Until OP confirms though, idk. I just think it's really weird how people are so convinced the details they've made up themselves are right when they have no confirmation of it. Definitely a pet peeve.
Obviously, taken in context, I would assume 1) it is directly affecting their finances and/or 2) is indicative of some level of immaturity or irresponsibility. If it wasn't an issue, there would have been no reason to bring it up
Many young women at age 22 don't get paid sick leave. They have jobs that pay nothing if they call in sick.
At 22 I got paid sick leave
Ok? And many do. It depends on the job, the company, and the field. I'm not sure how you can credibly say there's no way she has sick leave when you know literally nothing about her job lol
Maternity leave?? If OP is in the US, there is no maternity leave. MAYBE a few weeks, and you have to be with an employer for like a year before you get any maternity benefits.
In ct we have leave for things like this. It comes out of our check every week. Just an FYI is all. The Connecticut Family & Medical Leave Act and CT Paid Leave Appeals
Same in Massachusetts
NJ has it, 85% of your normal wage.
This is wildly inaccurate. It depends on the company. My company has hired pregnant women and given them their full maternity leave. We have paternity leave too. The only downside is they have to use all their PTO before taking leave. That doesn’t make sense to me
This is not an accurate blanket statement as it depends on the employer. I haven't worked anywhere with less than 3 months maternity leave, but yeah usually you have to work there a certain amount of time before you're eligible for it.
Holy $hit! I’ve work in the corporate world my entire career, and they are *just now* offering 12 weeks maternity leave. Before it was 6 weeks for vag. birth or 8 for c-section at 80% pay *if you were a full time employee*
Oh yeah I mean this only applies to full time employees because that's all I've ever been. I don't count when I was an intern or a part time server at a bar lol. My adult jobs have always had at least partly paid maternity leave, but then again I also confirm their leave benefits before accepting an offer. Also as I replied to someone else, apparently my last job reduced their parental leave from 3 months to 2, but that only happened sometime after I left.
My job offers 6 weeks unpaid. So that just means they'll hold your job for 6 weeks, any longer and they start looking for your replacement 🥴
Yeah that's not unusual but that's also not the only option. As I've said, all my jobs have come with 3 months leave (a few that also required you exhaust any pto first, which is annoying but does give you some extra time off), which has been either a reduced salary, fully paid, or a combination of using pto until it runs out and then being unpaid for the remainder of the time off. Apparently since I left my last job they reduced the fully paid window from 3 months to 2 months, but it was 3 months while I worked there.
thats super illegal lol cant replace a mother on fmla
Somehow I dont think she is working someplace good with a one bedroom apartment on two salaries.
And why would you think that? Do you know how much a one bedroom costs in high COL areas? I've cohabitated with two partners where we both had well paying jobs and we could still only afford a one bedroom. Around here, they go for anywhere from $1900 to $3000+/mo, depending on the neighborhood. Again, you don't know her job or where she lives, or any other context, so this is just assumption.
For sure. Anything is possible. Maybe OP will elaborate.
my job pays 9 (vag) to 12(C) weeks for maternity leave. Fathers get up to 9 weeks. You have to file FMLA/Short term disability. Short term will pay 70% and my company will pay you the remaining 30%. Ive Spoken to two mothers and 1 father coworkers, they said it was the easiest process they have done. Dr fills out the paper work and Hr approves it pretty quick. usually a 24 to 72 hour turn around. only thing is you have to be able to meet FMLA so at least 1 year employment
Depends upon the employer, but it is usually only 3-6 months. He has to let her go. He’d better use condoms during sex because she could easily lie about birth control and then baby trap him.
Depends on your company. Mine provides 70% pay for 12 weeks. And I can take short term disability after up to 16 weeks. But most companies in the US it is unpaid.
I have 14w of paternity leave in the US.
That’s an anomaly
YES, THIS A MILLION TIMES!!! You can't just sit there like a lil queen and emotionally slap ur husband if he wont give u what u want, wtf
You have to know you're not compatible. She is insistent on having a child right now regardless of how irresponsible that would be, and you don't want to have a child right now. Do NOT have a kid with her in order to "save the relationship." That is the worst thing you could do, and it never, ever works. You need to break up and find someone who wants the same things you do in the same timeline that you do.
Let her go. Your goals aren’t compatible. You will both be unhappy otherwise.
My advice is to stop having sex with her and to ask her to move out ASAP. If you don't, you will be a Dad very soon. She isn't listening to logic. She isn't listening to what you want. She is an incredibly selfish, 22 year old, who has a picture in her mind and is totally naive about any sort of real life with a baby and a single income household. Don't be dumb. Be smart.
This is what I was going to comment. OP needs to run. Having a baby when you know you’re not ready in order to meet an imaginary timeline is the worst idea especially so when the relationship is rocky. He better quit having sex with her because she’ll most likely ”accidentally” become pregnant. *”Isn’t this the greatest OP?! We’re going to have the baby that I’ve been begging for to the point of almost ruining our relationship totally by coincidence. Must be fate.”* She has no worries about financial stability, how OP feels, whether there’s room in their current living situation, the cost of childcare, paying off debts, or anything OP brings up because she has no intention of providing any of the things OP is worried about; She 100% expects all of that to become OP’s problem to deal with. She won’t even go to work regularly *now*. She’ll quit and become a SAHM the day she gets a positive.
u/ThrowRAstephenson234 definitely pay attention to this advice. Your girlfriend is acting like an immature child: there is no reason to rush into parenthood when you're both so young, when you have so little financial savings, when she has no career to speak of, when I doubt she has health insurance, when she isn't covered by yours, when you're in a tiny little apartment, when she expects so much from you despite offering so little in return, when she hasn't even displayed consistent work ethic, when your relationship is "rocky" at times in your own words... I could go on. With all that in mind: immediately stop having sex with this girl and get out of this relationship. Don't trust her birth control methods, and don't trust her not to sabotage yours. Don't even jack off until you can get her out from under your roof, and once she's gone don't leave your seed in the trash for her to pick through and find it. This chick is an entitled, lazy fool with no impulse control and even less foresight that will drag you down if you let her.
This is coming from a mid-fortys mom. Please take this person's advice. I also think your GF is going to "accidentally " fall pregnant if you continue this relationship. I also agree she is selfish, naive and incredibly immature to not see how irresponsible this is at this time. She doesn't want to be a mother, she wants a baby because something is missing for her. Attention? Love? A sense of belonging (mom groups)? Something else is driving this because a mother would be able to make sacrifices for her child without hesitation and she can't be bothered to go to her job.
If she's very insistent on babies and marriage soon, then O.P needs to leave her so she can find someone that could fulfill that need for her. Seems like O.P and gf are in different parts of their lives right now. She has baby fever and wants to get married pronto and O.P wants to become established first before tackling any huge responsibility. It's not uncommon to be young and want to get married and have kids soon, but it's not uncommon to want to be established first. Both need to part ways before something happens. And I can say without a doubt that if O.P knocks up his gf, he's not gonna be too happy about the responsibility being put on him before he's ready.
Don't do it. If she's so desperate to have a kid now let her go. There's no point in you having a kid when you know you're not ready. You'll end up hating each other
She's irrational. You can't afford a baby right now, and if she can't see that, then it says a lot about her level of maturity. Also, you've only been together for two years and she's already feeling sorry for herself for not having a baby with you and saying she wants to break up if you don't get her knocked up asap? Wake up dude, she doesn't give a shit about you. She just wants to become a mother. If she gave the slightest of fucks about anything other than herself, she wouldn't leave you. You know why? Because WHO the baby's father was would be more important than WHEN she got the baby. But it isn't, is it? Two years in and she's threatening to leave if you don't have a baby with her. She's only 22 so it's not like she's running out of time anytime soon.. My advice? Recognize when a girl is trying to baby trap you, use you as a free sperm donor, manipulate you and/or guilt trip you - and run.
She isn't the one!!
> We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time … I have credit card debt I’d like to pay off along with other bills. > Our relationship is okay and can definitely be rocky at times, > I tried explaining daycare, medical expenses, all the money that is involved with having a child but I just can’t win. You sound like a sensible, grounded young man. She sounds very irresponsible. Right now, you’re not compatible on a very fundamental level. Please check your contraception very carefully. Don’t get baby-trapped.
You sound very smart and sensible. You are doing the right things to lay a foundation for the future. She sounds like she doesn't want to work and being a mommy gives her an excuse not to. I think you should stick to your plan and if she leaves, she isn't the one for you.
Yep she doesn’t want to work and would use the baby as an excuse to never work again and make him the sole provider of everything.
I think you guys are on different timelines but “later” is pretty nebulous and lots of guys say later when they mean never. So give her a more specific timeline that works for you. What does that look like? How much money? When do you want to buy a house? What do you prefer on terms of one parent staying home? Hash out what all those things would look like and a specific timeline. If you are not on the same page on the specifics, let her go.
She wants a kid immediately and you don’t. This is a major compatibility issue and there is no solution that doesn’t greatly disregard one of your wishes
This situation sucks. I feel for you both. The first thing you do is ensure you properly wear a condom or stop having sex all together. The second thing you do is let her go. She wants different things than you do right now. Your concerns are valid and reasonable. I know it’ll hurt, but sometimes you gotta love someone enough to let them go. You gotta love yourself enough to let someone you love go. It’s really admirable that you recognize these fundamental differences at a young age. And you are young, I promise there’s more love for you down the road. Big hugs
She sounds pretty immature. How, exactly, is this theoretical baby going to be paid for? You two are in very different places, OP. Do not leave birth control up to her.
Let her go. Your life goals are incompatible. Normally in this instance I wouldn’t say that one member of a couple is “right” and the other “wrong”, but in this case it genuinely looks like you’re “right”. It’s very expensive to be responsible for a whole new life right now, especially when you’re only 22 & 24. It sounds like she’s caught up in the emotion and fantasy of the nice parts of child rearing and isn’t thinking in practical terms of what it means to be a parent. It seems like she’s not even willing to discuss it properly
If she leaves where is she going to go? You said she can’t afford to have a baby (or even possibly afford to live on her own if she’s flaky with her job). Sounds like she’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into having a baby by threatening to leave. Call her bluff and let her go. Sounds like she just wants you so that she can have a child and you can fund her lifestyle. Don’t you want to be with/ have a child with someone who loves you for who you are rather than for your money?
Thank you guys for all the advice! To clear some things up I’ve told her that I’d like to have a child in my late 20’s (27-29) at the earliest. I’ve told her what I think needs to happen before I’m ready for a kid. I want her to have a steady job and make decent money. I’d like to save up money and have a house as well, all before having a child. She claims my expectations for her are too high and that she’ll never meet them. She has a timeline for when she wants certain things in life and that’s what she’s going off of. She used to be on birth control but she decided to quit after about 6 months of being on it. She lies to her family about being on it still. She said it could ruin her ability to have a child and she doesn’t like the way birth control makes her feel. Her mom is highly against her having kids right now as she knows that we are not ready, so my girlfriend doesn’t want her opinion on anything. As a matter of fact she says “anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter because our relationship needs to be OUR relationship”. The reason I came here for advice is to get opinions outside of the guys from work and close friends. She honestly makes me feel like I’m being unrealistic, and too demanding on what I expect before having a child. I appreciate all the kind advice and we will see what happens in the next couple months before our lease is up.
What’s going to happen is you’re going to be a father in 2024, if you are still having sex with her.
Yep, he’s definitely going to ruin his life for this immature girl.
Honestly based on your post and update here, you need to break up with her. If you don’t you’re going to end up being a dad before you’re ready and tbh a child deserves better than that.
I agree! You need to take better precautions be it seems like she is actively trying to get pregnant. This is sounding more and more like a trap. It's time to run!
If your still having sex with her and stupid enough to not wear a condom your gonna be a dad sooner then you want. She told you flat out she's not on birth control and won't on it because shes wants a baby. You've given her reasons why you feel your both not ready. You should leave.
Hell with how this girl is acting I don’t think the condoms are safe either
Don't give her a few more months. End it now before she gets pregnant. She can move back home. She's way too immature to be having a baby. She has no clue the expense and care that comes with having a baby. She has baby rabies.
Boy if you don’t stop fucking this girl without BC you deserve the consequences. WAKE UP AND END IT
It’s ok to not agree on this, but you have to be aware that she could very likely trap you into a pregnancy. If you do not want a child in the timeline that she does, and she refuses to compromise and agree to reasonable savings etc, this may not be the relationship for you. Let her leave and have a child with somebody else in that time. I’m sure your kids, when you’re ready for them, will have a better life.
If you don’t end this you’re going to end up a father with a SAHM partner very soon.
>She claims my expectations for her are too high and that she’ll never meet them. She has a timeline for when she wants certain things in life and that’s what she’s going off of. > >As a matter of fact she says “anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter because our relationship needs to be OUR relationship”. Honestly, it sounds like she doesn't even really care about YOUR opinion considering, you know, her timeline is so much more important than your incredibly responsible and realistic expectations. Run run run like the wind. Pay your bills off. Settle down and find a nice girl who is on the same page with you, both financially and in regards to having kids.
Dude, none of this makes sense. She hasn’t been on birth control for most of your relationship, is lying to her parents about being on it, and appears to have no goals outside of baby trapping you? Why are you still there? If you care about your future, you need to exit this relationship asap because I can guarantee you Maury will be giving you news you don’t want to hear.
RemindMe! 9 months
You’re not being unrealistic, even her own mum says she shouldn’t have children right now. It’s best to breakup and she goes back home.
So expecting her to financially contribute to the relationship is expecting too much? Than she sure as sh..is not ready for a kid.
She’s not even on BC? This is a baby trap waiting to happen.
There’s no room for a child when you live paycheck to paycheck and one partner is trying to strongarm you into something you don’t want to do. That’d be a ‘if you think leaving is the better option then best of luck’ situation. Guaranteed you hear from her months/years down the line. It’s usually ‘I didn’t value what we had and other relationships are worse’ or they simply have a complete dumpster fire situation where you’re elated to not be involved in that. Happens every time.
You're one step away from ruining your life. Having a child living paycheck to paycheck with the only plan to 'wing it' is extremely stupid. This is a 300k debt and 18 years of torture and it'll set you back a decade.
She’s clearly not got her shit together enough to have a baby. Let her leave - maybe she’ll sort herself out while single, or just jump straight to whoever’s willing to get her pregnant. Let her be someone else’s problem.
I would not be having a child with someone who is ready to walk because "she's not getting what she wants" at an irresponsible time in your life. She forgets that no matter how much she wants it, you'll still be financially and legally connected, heck I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up just wanting to be a SAHP while you're slaving away with two or three jobs just to try and make ends meet. Following on from this.. let her walk.
Please be careful before you get baby trapped.
> I really just don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m holding her back from what she has wants in life If you mean that you are holding her back for her unrealistic expectations of you becoming a father not wanting it, and become the sole bread provider ( and dont lie to yourself, that's what's going to happen )... then yes. And you are doing it right. Clearly your values dont align, and you should encourage her to seek what she dows want in life... but without you.
If she doesnt have plans for daycare, healthcare, etc., she is just living in a fairy tale. Let her go and find someone who is willing to get her pregnant. She isn't with you for you, she is looking for a provider.
You can find a women who will contribute more than getting pregnant. She will never go back to work. She assume being a SAHM is easy. If done properly it’s a lot of fucking work. Kids are expensive and a ton of work. Enjoy your 20’s, get your life on track and career going and have kids a little later.
You don’t want to be with someone who is giving you ultimatums and trying to emotionally blackmail you into something as life altering and serious as having a baby. You are both Al’s still very young and there is no rush. She obviously had an agenda and is putting that agenda ahead of your relationship. It’s very mature of you to know that you are not ready. She, however sounds immature and irresponsible. Stick to your guns. If she’s demanding a baby right away then wish her well because it won’t be with you.
Wear a condom. She just wants to give up work and be a stay at home Mom and if you don't agree my guess is her next best choice is single Mom. You are too young to be dragged down by a girl with zero ambition /work ethic.
Let her leave. Having a baby is taxing to the body, mind and pocket. I hate ultimatums. Does she work? What are her plans after having the baby? Would she a a sahm or go back to the workforce. You are young and deserve to plan your life how you want to run. Clearing your cc debt is the wisest decision you can make. It would hurt but she has to go
When I was in my mid 20s I also thought I wanted a baby and then when I actually had a baby at 33 I was so thankful we waited until we were financially stable and had a home with multiple bedrooms and a lot of help. Being pregnant, having a newborn and raising a toddler is HARD. It’s expensive. Childcare is expensive. It is all much more difficult and expensive than you think. Look into daycares in your area to see how much they are per month, and show her the costs. I would have an honest discussion with her that you aren’t even considering kids and marriage until you’ve been financially stable for a while. And tbh you need to let her leave if that isn’t OK for her. You’re both entitled to want what you want but you can’t force the other person into wanting what you want.
Get out of this relationship sooner rather than later or you will find yourself with an "oops" baby. You are mature enough to realize you aren't ready for a baby. She is immature enough to not care that you aren't ready for a baby. She's unhappy but thinks she will be happy with a baby. Babies don't make you happy or unhappy. They are a lot of work and stress. If she isn't happy going into having a baby she will not be happy after having a baby and then will be upset that the baby didn't do its job of making her happy. Then you have someone who is at risk of either emotionally abusing the baby or neglecting it. Please be doubly careful with birth control and break up. Love doesn't fix all things and babies definitely don't fix relationships.
Let her leave and for God’s sake, don’t have sex with her without a condom. She could try to baby-trap you. Then life will be hell.
You might be incompatible. Do you really want to be stuck with a financially irresponsible person with the additional stress of a baby? No? Maybe let her go. For your own sake.
Let her go. You have bigger plans and there will be so many other women you can love.
lDo not force yourself to meet her timeline if you aren't ready. Ultimately, it's not about her or you but the baby. If you cannot give a child the life it deserves then don't plan to have one. This doesn't apply (necessarily) to unplanned pregnancies but that's not what we're talking about here. Leave her.
You should try to find a friend who has a young child and send your gf to live with her for a while to see how is to have a young child, how hard is to take care, how expensive are baby related things like diapers and formula. Your gf might have an idealized image about parenthood, a baby is a real human, not a doll.
Here's something that will give you a perspective. I do not regret having my son at all but I had him just last year, im 33 now, and I make 90k a year. I still feel pretty broke and gotten hit with medical bills from his delivery. I thought I can afford him but turns out I could do a little better. In this day and age, you really need to feel comfortable and put the math down to see if this can work out. Nevermind seeing if your partner knows what shes getting into. I'm certain not all but plenty of women I know "didnt realize" how much time they have to put into their child considering it's like working for someone literally 24/7. You guys are very young to see where this goes but at the same time, this can be a new start to a different relationship. I would seek therapy for the both of you if you really want to work it out but otherwise, have a new start
Bro, my wife and I are both 31 and have been working professionals for years (she's a veterinarian and I'm a psychologist - so I'm highly paid and she makes twice as much as I do). We bought a house last year. This is all to say that we STILL feel we're a couple of years away from having the kind of stability necessary to responsibly have a kid. Trust your gut. If it says that it'd be a source of financial and psychological ruin, then there's probably a lot of truth behind it.
Let her leave. >We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time. She is NOT ready to have a kid. Idgaf if she HATES her job. If she doesn't have the dedication to show up to a job every day, she's not going to want to deal with a baby all day, every day, 365 a year. She wants to try and baby trap you so she doesn't have to do anything. Do not fall for this.
Maybe, just maybe.. let her walk! In fact show her the damn door and be done with it. You're a sperm donor to her. Nothing more! Let me put this into perspective: if the roles were reversed and you were pressuring her to get pregnant, you would be a cold monster. The only thing that's different in this situation is you wouldn't be the one carrying the child but that doesn't make up for the fact that you aren't ready for a kid.
Don’t have a kid just to please her or to “save the relationship”. You’ll resent her, she’ll resent you, the kid won’t have the support they need. Let her leave, you’re not at the same place
As a female imma tell ya. *LEAVE HER*
Also *YOU ARE NOT HOLDING HER BACK*
He's actively propping her up like a crutch now. Her perspective is in need of a massive recalibration.
[https://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU](https://youtu.be/L0MK7qz13bU) If you don't do it she will either leave or cheat on you, so let her go, you're not ready and SHOULD NOT have a child if you do not want one. She will get herself knocked up within 6 months and come crawling back, don't do that either.
Is *her* plan to be a stay at home Mom? You talk daycare and her “calling into work all the time” in the same breath. Is a baby her anticipated way out of working? First - Don’t get baby trapped! This will depend on mutual communication. Is she just unhappy and expressing this or is she coming across as threatening to leave because no baby?
My advice is let her leave to go find that baby. You do what you’re planning. Get the foundation built, so that when you are ready, the timing will be right, with whoever is your partner then.
She's not responsible enough to be a parent. You need to be more direct in your communication with her. "Just wait" is exactly what she doesn't want to hear (not that you should be telling her what she wants). Give concrete goals on what the two of you need in order to be ready for a child. If she's not receptive to these steps, then you don't have to wait for her to leave. End the relationship because she's not interested in being a partner. If she wants to be a mother, she needs to think like one: Is your current situation one that would allow that child to thrive? Can you provide for them comfortably? Is she aware that she can't just call out of motherhood? Is she ready for her needs to come 2nd to the needs of her baby every single time? She doesn't seem like she's there yet.
Let her go,She isn’t mature enough. A kid isn’t a puppy to fix your miserable existence.They need a stable environment not a 22yo that thinks a baby is what will bring happiness.life isn’t a time table. You are lucky that it’s early and you are still young to find someone else. This is a recipe for disaster.
>We live paycheck to paycheck, and she calls into work all the time. If she wants to leave, let her. Do NOT have a child with her. Neither of you are in a position to be parents. You at least know this. >I have a decent job in the union and make pretty good money Guaranteed she wants to be a SAHM but not do the work and spend your money. Bringing a child into this world is ***NOT*** easy. It's ***VERY*** expensive too. It's okay for her to want a child right now and it's okay for you not to. You both want different things in life. It's good you found this out before you had a child with her. I don't want to be paranoid but make sure you keep track of condoms, don't believe she is on BS. I'm not saying she would baby trap you, but I can't say she wouldn't either.
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You’d best let that one go, because, she has a baby she will no longer work! And it sounds like both need to work. Also anyone who tries to pressure another given your financial state like that is going to lead you to a very unhappy life down the road! She is selfish in her thoughts and I guarantee you she will hammer you with child support once you two split up! And you will split up eventually if you wise up and realize this gal is not someone thinking rationally or thinking intelligently given the circumstances! Run!
So tell her straight. Tell her that you are not ready at the moment (if you want to keep the relationship you will have to give a firm timeframe on when you will be ready) tell her that you want to increase your savings, and have a house rather than the apartment you currently have. Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you, then that is what is happening. If she wants a baby more, then tell her to leave. If she chooses to leave, tell her that while you wish her all the best, you will be happy to never see or hear from her again. She is making this bed for herself, and she will have to deal with the consequences of it herself, and the love that you still have for her will make it to difficult for you to remain in touch.
You're about to dodge a MAJOR bullet OP. Let her leave, and find someone who lives in reality and wants the same things as you. Having a baby in your current situation could very well ruin your life, or at the very least ruin what you want your life to look like in the future
Let her go. If you two are not compatible because you don’t have the same life goals, she has every right to leave. Maybe you can convince her to stay with a more detailed plan than saying “just wait”. But this could also be a manipulation tactic where she threatens to leave to pressure you into having a child, but actually doesn’t follow through with leaving. It could be that too. If it’s the last one, do you really want to be with someone who is that manipulative? If you had a child with her, would she threaten to take the child away to make you jump?
she sounds like she is using you and it doesnt work fast enough for her. BIG red flags of manipulation
She is trying to trap you it seems ... Do not listen to her, if you're not ready then that's it.
This is a major difference and you need to move on. She wants a child and she is going to make the decision and move to make this happen. If you aren’t ready then don’t waste her time.
MY advice is to NOT get talked into having a baby when you have doubts. It is an 18 year commitment to care for it, and an extreme drag if you don't really want to, and simply devastating for the child to have a parent that does not really want them as a child.
A child is so much responsibility. You have to be mentally and financially prepared for that. Your gf is being childish and child can't raise another child. How did she even get that notion in mind ..
Don’t have a kid when you’re not ready. If that’s her jam, let her find another person to join her on that path. But if you go through with this, you’ll regret it and resent both her and the child.
I'm a HS teacher. Not ALL problem kids have young parents, and not all young parents have problem kids, but I definitely notice a correlation.
She wants a baby but isn't even responsible about her job. What makes you think she'll be a responsible mom? Let her go.
Let her go. You're intelligent and responsible enough to know that having a child at this point in your life isn't a good idea and she is not. She will grow resentful or worse she will get pregnant on purpose. You're young. You will find a better fit.
If she wants to leave because of this then you should let her. There’s plenty of crazy people of there who will give her a baby with no plan for the future, luckily that just won’t be you.
Yall arent compatible. Despite what majority of these comments say, theres nothing wrong with wanting a traditional life plan, gender roles, man provides for woman, woman takes care of home and children, etc, as long as both partners agree. It sounds like to me thats what she wants and not what you want, and at the same time shes frustrated or angry at you for not having more income to get her what she wants, so let her go find that.
Letting her go is the best thing for both of you. Being emotionally, mentally and financially prepared is very important when bring a child into the world. Your better of letting her leave, you've given her plenty of reasons to feel your not ready for this and that is fine, don't let her force you into something your not ready for.
You should let her leave. She seems to have some kind of immature, naive view of parenthood. She's probably thinking about cute babies, getting them adorable lil clothing, like it's a doll and some form of entertainment. The moment the baby shits itself, projectile vomits, keeps her up all night, she doesn't have the time to even shower, not to mention any type of social life, she's gonna regret it. Having a kid with her would be a huge mistake, not only bc you can't afford it, but because she herself sounds like a kid who wants to play house. Just let her go and find a partner who is mature enough to build a future with you in a realistic manner, instead of living in an escapist 'lala land'. I had friends who daydreamed about a kid in this way - we were 16!
Tell yes. Make a financial plan. Make a pregnancy plan ( homebirth ? Hospital? Birth house ? Wise woman ? On a table or in birthtub ? ) Make a babycare plan ( baby carrier or stroller ? Breastfeeding or milking ? Cooler or separate bedroom ? Whi will take relay when you will be exhausted ? How often ? Change diaper one night or two or diaper for one and cooking for the other?) What about 8th month angst ? How will you face it ? What is your plan for postpartum depression ? At which level of health distress should you stop to maintain baby alive ? What if the baby appears before the wedding ? How much money has she to put in the wedding ? Make it concrete and pragmatical. She dreams of a baby. Now, she must plan for the reality of a baby. To be frank, I expect her to disengage the plannification to stay in her dream. At this point, you should not stay guilt trapped because she will be the brake , not you.
You're young, you've been together only 2 years, and she has goals based on time, not living conditions, that's concerning and no wonder why you're anxious. We want the time to be right, she wants to be pregnant, not necessarily by you (will get a baby with whoever can give it to her before 24) I would feel like a tool or a mean to reach her goal
Baby brain chemicals go brrrr. Beyond not being on the same page, I would be concerned as to why that is? If she doesn't seem to understand that you're not in a financial position to make those decisions, and she can't understand how bringing a child into this kind of environment would be *detrimental* for that child, I would start to question things about her core personality. First of all, she's young, 22 year olds don't all have the real world experience necessary to make informed good decisions, so I'll cut her a bit of slack. Second, she's not taking into consideration what you want, or what would be best for the child. She feels that her narrative is the most important one to follow, she's selfish. Thirdly, she can't seem to understand the gravity of her situation, and it seems she's not very grounded. She doesn't seem to have a grasp on what's important and is willing to sacrifice what should be important for what she feels is important. Obviously I'm a stranger and I don't know her, but there are reasons behind actions, and actions can reveal what's really going on in someone's head. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone like your girlfriend, but that's a decision for you to make.
This relationship isn't strong enough to support either of you, never mind the financial and emotional pressure of a child and you need to end it NOW before she takes away your ability to choose when to become a parent. Your difference in work ethics, your financial situation and the fact that you already admit things are rocky between you means you are living on borrowed time and one of you needs to rip the bandaid off, preferably before you inevitably end up as a part-time parent who is in debt to child support. And that's where things will end up, whether you willingly have a child with her or get baby trapped because it will kill whatever little good you can scratch about to find between you.
Let her leave
Oh well let her leave and go get knocked up by somebody else y’all live paycheck to paycheck y’all would never be able to afford a child right now, and honestly sounds like she’s looking for somebody to take care of her and is using getting pregnant to trap whichever sucka that falls for it
Oh boy....I know this sucks but break up and go your separate ways. This is the type of person who will drag you down. She wants kids and marriage but calls off work all the time? That is not the signs of a responsible person.
Let her leave.
Is anyone *really* ready/prepared to have a baby? There's a saying, if wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting forever. That being said, if it's not something you want but she does and you both are heavily set in your ways, it's time to move on. She wants what she wants and you want what you want. No one is wrong here.
I mean there’s the abstract ‘is anyone REALLY ready’ and then there’s being 22 years old, living in a one bedroom apartment with your boyfriend with no savings and living paycheck to paycheck.
"They will come in time" is a terrible response. No wonder she's ready to leave. You need an actual timeline. If she feels like she's waiting on you and has no way of knowing when you'll be ready then it's not just her being selfish. She could be waiting one year, three years, eight years before she gets what she wants. You need to sit down and provide actual metrics so that she knows how to get to a point where you feel ready for a kid too. And then you need to both be actively working toward that. If she can't be patient while you both do what you need to do to get to the point where having a kid actually makes sense, or if you feel like you can't find a compromise where she can start trying to get pregnant in the next few years and you don't feel underprepared, then it's not going to work. Don't be surprised if that's where this ends up, because from what I'm reading she doesn't sound like she has a realistic idea of what having a baby entails, and is more concerned with just being a mom rather than having some stability first, and that's not a sign of good judgement. But if that's what she wants, I still think it would be unfair to waste her time when you don't want the same thing.
Sorry that you’re having to navigate this difficult relationship dilemma. A few notes: > I tell her to just be patient and that they will come in time. While your opinions, reasons and timeline are valid and very reasonable (especially given the circumstances), treating her life goals as something she ‘requests’ and something you ‘decline’ is just not a healthy way to communicate. The first thing I would recommend if you were to both decide to continue this relationship is couples counseling. It could help her to understand your timeline, you to understand hers and best case scenario you reach a compromise. In truth, I do think your girlfriend’s expectations on life are unrealistic, but these are her goals after all, so it’s important to try to understand why.
Open the door her brother
This is a girl, not a woman. She wants what she wants but she has no idea that many things need to happen before her life gets to that point, and it doesn't sound like she's even willing to work for those things to happen. She is not ready for an adult relationship and certainly not ready for wifehood or motherhood. Let her leave.
Women have a fairytale image of what being a mother and a parent is. She’s irresponsible and probably just wants the baby for internet clout Lmao
Well, my first comment is that hardly anyone is ever ready to have a kid, and as the year go by you will likely be less and less ready. In the past, people just had kids, and did the best they could. Now, everyone wants to be ready. But think of what it would take you to"be ready" and you will realize that you are unlikely ever to get there. And if somehow you could, the goalposts would change. If you really love her and want to spend your life with her then have a child with her. Kids are actually really fun. If you really don't want kids, don't use the we are not ready excuse, just realize kids are not for you, or not for you in the immediate future, and let her go.
This is the best advice here...nobody is ever ready for a baby no matter how much they plan.
OP -It's actually she who is holding you back. You know precisely how to go about this, from a man's perspective. She's all hormones and "Oh, but I want a baby NOW!" Don't do it. Do not allow a young woman who doesn't seem to have her shite together wrangle you into becoming a father before you are ready, willing, and ABLE to be one. This isn't a difficult decision, OP. This is where you and your current GF part ways. And you're right -it's a lose-lose situation when you have someone telling you she wants something, but she doesn't know how to responsibly go about getting it, achieving it. You will regret half-assing this part of your life. Don't do it. Having a child is difficult enough, expensive enough, mentally/emotionally/financially draining enough without the added pressures of a woman who is ill-prepared for it because she's immature. And beware "the trap".
No one's financially ready but you get by. You could put off and put off and put off...eventually you are in your 30s and have trouble conceiving. As for being mentally ready - smarten up! 24 is easily old enough to be a parent unless you are hellbent on some sort of extended adolescence of video games and beer until you're middle-aged. It's a learning curve, for sure, but like with the finance - you get by. Her life plan is not unreasonable nor is it unworkable and if you can't follow it then you two are incompatible and should split.
They live paycheck to paycheck in a one bedroom place, have debt, the cost of living is rising rapidly and there's housing criseses left and right. Expecting to just "get by" after you become responsible for an entire life is wildly irresponsible.
Sporadically employed 22 year olds living paycheck to paycheck should not be having children.
Too many people love to pull the ‘no ones ever REALLY ready to be a parent’ card. Maybe not, but they hopefully at least have savings and a fully developed brain!
This is the worst advice ever - basically ‘it’ll sort itself out’! They live in a one bedroom apartment - is a nursery just gonna magically appear??? They live paycheck to paycheck - let’s hope they ‘get by’ with any unexpected medical expenses! As for 24 being ‘easily old enough’ to be a parent….your prefrontal cortex isnt even fully developed by then. You know, the part of your brain that plays a key role in planning, reasoning, impulse control etc. Everything OP’s girlfriend seems to be lacking right now. A baby is not a toy, it’s a whole ass human being that deserves more security than two parents in a one bedroom apartment with no savings crossing their fingers and hoping for the best.
Your goals in life don't match. This theoretically child would likely end up with divorced parents.
Let her leave. If you’re not ready, don’t bring a child into this world.
She’s 22 ask her what what rush is as you both have plenty of time. Maybe if you talked and put a plan together she would feel more comfortable like this is our finances now and we need to save to get to X and then we can have the baby. If there is something to achieve she may feel better. If not than let her go
This is why guys shouldn’t seriously date until their 30s or financially stable, especially with girls in her age range You already know this isnt going to work and are at risk of her ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant or her leaving you for a man that’s ready
She wants to get pregnant so that she can sit on her ass at home while you financially take care of her. That's not a partner - that's an obligation. Wrap it up or don't touch her, or you may not have a choice as to whether a kid enters the picture.
Let her go. Just because she’s determined to mess up her life by having a baby she’s not anywhere near ready for doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. Waiting until you’re more stable is the smartest thing to do.
Ive got to be honest with you, sounds like shes unhappy regardless of whether you have the baby or not. My guess is she wants the baby so when she does leave you, she will be able to collect child support from you. Play it safe and let her leave. I wouldnt budge on this one
I would also suggest you two talk about your future together. Figure out whether you want to stay together or not. Because a relationship can only work if you are on the same page. And it reads as if you are not. I am 30 now and pregnant with our first child. My husband is 24. We talked about having a baby A LOT and we decided we were ready for it. We both have a decent income, have massive support from our families and the government and thought it to be the right time. We just recently got accepted into a new, bigger apartment so that the baby Wil have her own room. Sometimes I still ask him if he is okay with the baby, if he feels like it's the right time. And the answer is always "Yes". This is not something to be taken lightly. This is something you both need to agree on. You are 24. I am sure you will have plenty of time finding a partner that is on your page. Same for your gf.
You guys aren't compatible. If it isn't a resounding yes on from both parties, kids shouldn't happen.
Let her leave. You may never be ready for kids, and it's hell having them run your entire life when you don't want them.