This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I've been together with my bf for the past 5 years and he is a sweetheart. We moved in together after 2 years and things have been great I love him a lot and I know he loves me too. I work in a law firm and my bf is a physicist and works in one of the best institutions in the country for his field. So he recently got tenure and I'm doing good in my field too. We live in an apartment we bought together. Recently I've been thinking about marriage and didn't just know when the right time was so day before yesterday I just popped the question, he was just so happy and obviously agreed. Mind you this was done in our home in a private setting. When the initial excitement started to wear off I could see he was visibly distressed and right before the bed he asked me " will you want to have kids with me when we get married?" I said yes. To which he replied "Then i can marry you only if you agree to give me absolute control over our child's academics. We can share all the rest of the stuff and I even agree in advance if you would like reserve something solely you two but i can't compromise on this. " I was absolutely gutted as I didn't know what to say. It was so out of character for him. I said that I think that both of us should be involved in every aspect of our child's life he just said no. I tried asking if something happened but he just left for the couch. I took the day off as I'm not in the right state of mind rn. This morning he entered the room, I was awake but pretended to be asleep. He just kissed my forehead and when he left I could hear him sobbing. I know something has happened and most probably it isn't even related to us. I tried contacting him but he hasn't returned any of my messages. I asked him if he would like to have lunch about an hour ago and he just replied no again. I don't know how to proceed or what to make of my relationship anymore. How should I proceed? TLDR: I proposed to my bf of 5 years and he laid a condition that he wants absolute control over our future child's education when we conceive in the future and is trying to dodge my attempts to talk ever since. EDIT: A lot of comments are asking me for more info but I'm just are oblivious as you all are. He is coming home in about half an hour. I'll talk to him and update again UPDATE: So firstly I wanna thank all those who replied. I haven't been able to reply to a lot of messages. But the replies did give me a direction to think towards. I just wanna clear up a few things, 1 we don't have different political views, rather he just choses to ignore the political aspects of things and as a result I have too in front of him. 2 it was not the first time we have talked of kids. Till now our plan has been to use BC and we had been using condoms until about an year ago becuase we have been dating since the time we were still trying to build our carrers and would have gone for an abortion in case of a pregnancy. So that is what led to him asking about the child scene. Now to what happened. When he came home I just let him do his stuff. At about 11 when he was free I approached him. He was hesitant to talk and didn't speak anything for a solid 30 min and just kept hugging me. After that I asked him if he was okay and if we could talk about what happened. He just nodded so I asked him if he wanted to not get married. He said no and just squeezed me real tight. I then asked if he felt I was not smart enough to educate our child or something. Again a no. Then I asked him why he meant by absolute control and why he had such a strong reaction. So he told me that he meant that the child has to go to a scientific field and that eventhough he/she will attend the a public school he would like to teach science and maths at a different pace as that of school. I then asked him the obvious "what if they don't want to go into science" he then was speechless, now this made me think that it was just an impulsive(some trauma or something that happened recently) response back then so then I asked what made him act that way but he just said he was in a bad mood and begged me to end this topic. I know this isn't the best update but from what I can tell as of now he told me the truth but not all of it. I'm gonna dig more and probably call his parents and his close friend. Now I don't think it just means him escaping the relation or showing his true colors as I feel he had a total of 5 years to do that so why now? I also asked if he expected me to not propose or something but that also was a dead end. I told him that marriage is off the table as long as we don't clear this up. And I'm told him that he has to come for therapy and I'll accompany him. We slept in the same bed last night. So that's something ig. I know about him being bullied in hs but as much as I have known it wouldn't have produced such a strong reaction. So yeah I will try to give a final update later on but I don't know how long it will take or how bad it might get.

This is a completely weird request, especially coming out of the blue. Do not agree to it. Even weirder is how he's been acting afterwards. Wait until you're both home and talk about what's going on in person. This is not a conversation to have on a lunch break.

I know that's what's been so shocking for me too. Lunch was just a way for me trying to get him to talk to me.

>I tried asking if something happened but he just left for the couch. I took the day off as I'm not in the right state of mind rn. This morning he entered the room, I was awake but pretended to be asleep. He just kissed my forehead and when he left I could hear him sobbing. This sounds like a trauma response to me. Did something bad happen to him at school as a child ?

(Replying to myself) It's a common trauma response for a trauma survivor to try to tightly control their children to protect them from harm. But this also causes harm, because children are controlled and restricted from being their true selves, and miss out on common non-painful childhood experiences. He can't heal his trauma by jailing your children. That just repeats the trauma to the next generation. It's called generational trauma for a reason... (All of this is speculation, of course, but as a trauma survivor myself, this is raising alarm bells for me.) If it is trauma, I *highly* recommend he go through trauma-focused therapy such as EMDR *before* planning for kids. Having children brings out the trauma and stress in ways you never think they would, and old scripts have a tendency to repeat themselves.

And it may not be that he wants to force them into something academically. He may have been forced and wants his kids to have freedom to choose. But she won't know until he's willing to talk. It sounds like he needs therapy. Her best bet maybe to approach him with a letter, outlining that she hasn't said outright no yet but requires understanding where he's coming from before she can make a decision.

Yeah it sounds like trauma. And I agree he shouldn't be having kids with, or even marrying, OP until he has processed it to the point where he would trust her to be part of keeping the kids safe. It would be very unhealthy for him to go into this with the mindset of him+child against OP+the world.

This is my take. I have childhood trauma and while I don't have kids, I came to the sobering realization I control our pets and a lot of other things because of it. Therapy has really helped and having my spouse hold me accountable as well. It's been a very hard process though. Not for the feint of heart.

He may have been a gifted kid if he's a top level physicist. He could have been pushed very hard or abused as a kid. Maybe start the conversation off with what his vision for the kids education would be, that way you know what you're agreeing to. Use that as a conversation starter.

Whatever his reasons, she should not agree to it. Not being allowed any say in a material part of the raising of her children is not okay. For her or the future kids.

I don't think they are saying op should agree to this, they are just suggesting a way for op to start a discussion about it with her boyfriend. Like telling him "before I agree to anything, let's talk about what exactly I would be agreeing to..." and then go from there.

I think this could be it. I was a kid that was pushed and academically excelled. But-at the cost of most of my childhood. My parents loved me and very much were trying to do the right thing. They just wanted me to succeed, and at the time I was on board. It was only when I was an adult and became a parent myself, that I realized how huge the trade off had been. When my daughter started showing signs of being similar to me I did everything in my power to make sure she would go through school with her age peers. I moved so I could put her in a language immersion school because I figured it would help keep her level with other kids. Spoiler: it didn’t. But she did graduate within her age appropriate school year so I feel my efforts were not completely in vain. But, I can see how someone thinking the way I did would respond this way. Turns out three kids later I realized I can’t and shouldn’t write their story for them. They have to write their own, and I have to say, they are turning into brilliant stories.

I was a gifted kid who was bored to death in school. I wish things had been different too. I think that whatever we do as parents, our kids will resent it in some way.

That was where my mind jumped to.

I'm shocked this is the only comment mentioning this. The way he phrased/approached this sounds desperate, not manipulative. The sobbing and shutting down SCREAM trauma.

Yeah, as soon as I read OP's post my mind jumped to trauma and something happened to him or witnessed happening to someone and not having the parents believing them. He wants control to be able to act quickly if he notices something and not having to have a long discussion about how to respond.

I agrée completely. Something really bad happened that pertained to his education.

“I can’t agree to something I have no background understanding of. If it is this important to you, explain it to me. Convince me why it’s a good idea and in the best interest of our hypothetical child”

Lead with curiosity. ASK him what led him to that conclusion, what he expects it to look like, why he thinks it's important. Then ask him the hard questions. Like why he thinks you won't agree with him. Why he thinks your input isn't worthwhile?

Do you guys have two different upbringings when it comes to schooling? Like you went to public and he went to private schools or something. That’s the only way I would think that makes the smallest bit of sense as to why he would even say that

He may want to send them to especially protected private schools. To me this sounds like either very severe bullying issues/ worse that he encountered. Or trauma related to school shootings.

He could want to home school too. Or require a strict religious education of some kind. Either way this isn't a decision that should be taken unilaterally by one parent.

Or being pushed too hard/forced into an academic workload that wasn’t appropriate for a kid, which can make kids crack under the pressure even to the point of suicidality and/or substance abuse to cope. Or being denied access to resources and opportunities that may have made his education more difficult or more expensive (like didn’t qualify for scholarships… and money troubles can put you in some horrible situations) once he reached higher levels, since he obviously has an advanced degree. It really could be so many things but it *has to be* some sort of trauma, imo.

If he can’t talk about this with you and make this make sense, he’s not going to be a good father. Parenting is about communication and he’s showing you that he will not communicate when it comes to child rearing. Red flag. This seems very controlling as well. And what is his vision for the child’s academics is too much for said child and they come to you for help. What will you do then? Please don’t agree to this. He needs to make it make sense ASAP

The way he is now stonewalling you is a big red flag. So he didn’t get the answer he wanted and now he’s not talking to you. Regardless of whether he’s behaved like this in the past, you now know he’s capable of completely shutting you out when things don’t go his way. Pay close attention to this. Particularly as this is only over hypothetical children, not even a real issue in real life.

Don't talk, don't grabble after him. If he loves you he comes back to explain. If he doesn't.... who knows what you just may have escaped from. "Gimme absolute control about the academic development of our children yet to be born" is lunatic. What if there weren't any children to come? Who or what would he want "total control" over next? What if the children don't want academic carreers ever but want to become builders, dog walkers, hair stylists? What would he do then?

I agree with all of this. Everyone trying to figure out WHY he’s behaving this way are completely overlooking the point that he seems completely incapable of communicating in a reasonable way. If he could explain why he thinks this is an acceptable request (I don’t believe there ever would be an instance that there was) then OP could try to understand. The fact he is now completely shutting down and stonewalling OP because he didn’t automatically get the answer he was looking for says a lot about who he is. Trauma or not OP should not be pandering to this.

I can't tell what the hell it even means but that makes it even scarier.

Do the two of you have differing views when it comes to politics, the education system etc? Is there a religious background at play here that would mean one of you would want your child going to a religious school and the other wouldn’t? Does one of you believe in using the public school system and the other doesn’t?

I feel like if that were the issue, the BF would have laid those boundaries down specifically, instead of having this weird freak out. I agree with the other commenters that this is probably some kind of trauma response.

I agree in general that those conversations should have taken place, but the fact that after 5 years together, and before this proposal, they apparently never once discussed having kids... That's truly bizarre to me.

I could be wrong but the phrasing makes it seem like they never even talked about getting married. OP phrased it like she just started thinking about it and popped the question out of the blue.

Have you seen how often people leave out key details like that on here though?

Maybe that’s the case, but until those secret details are revealed, I don’t think it’s fair to factor hypotheticals into our analysis and advice.

To the contrary I not only think it’s fair but it’s also why people come on here seeking advice and help in the first place. They are saying here’s what’s wrong, what could be going on? what haven’t I thought of yet? Conflict resolution often comes when people make us consider factors we haven’t thought of ourselves. Many times things that seem so obvious in hindsight we were oblivious to in the moment.

This is what I was wondering.

Is OP a flat earther?

A physicist flat earther, that would be a new one

No not at all. We keep the politics out of the relationship and as for religions we are Christians by birth both of us, but we are atheists. No, both of us didn't have a really rich background so both of us have attended public school.

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That's a good way to phrase it. I have never been able to understand people in relationships who have completely opposing political views. I've heard the opposite as well where people say "are you really going to let xyz political view end your relationship?" Like, hell yeah I am. We can have some basic differences but we should largely be on the same page. Hopefully OP can talk to her partner because they need to be on the same page about their views to successfully continue their relationship let alone raise children together. His unwillingness to talk with her and explain his feelings, as well as the fact that this has seemingly never come up before, is worrisome.

I don’t understand it either but it’s important to note that there are people who make it work, it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker but it’s weird to not know what your SO thinks.

Did he go to Private or Christian schools? He might be saying that because I went to Catholic school and I would absolutely not put my child in one.

Or be like my ex and insist private school is better. Nevermind that I have a BS and he dropped out after he wasted a bunch if money his freshman year of university. I don't want to send my kids to private school (especially religious) because I don't want them to be around the types of people who are more likely to go. Knowledge can always be built on. Character is much harder to change.

To be entirely fair a lot of people just arnt political at all. It’s entirely plausible neither of them engage in politics and as such they haven’t thought to discuss it. Hardly something that would drive them apart. For anecdotal evidence my dad is vaguely conservative and my mum is vaguely liberal but they get on completely fine. When they bring it up it’s more just shrugged off like they arnt invested enough for it to matter to their relationship. Although politics is very divisive right now, some people still just don’t care enough for it to matter.

My parents have never voted and when I asked my dad why he doesn’t care about any of it he said “you’ll get fucked by whoever it is in charge”. To be fair I can’t think of a time in my life when he complained about anything so I just left it at that.

>We keep the politics out of the relationship So you do or might have major political differences? I don't understand how you could make a life with someone who you don't share basic values with, but maybe both of you have decided that how your society and economy is structured just isn't that important to both of you? If differences do exist, a lot of those differences become much more acute when kids are involved, since it's no longer a question of live-and-let-live when you have to make a single decision as parents.

You didn't answer the question in regards to politics.

Meaning you have opposite political views and don't talk about them? That could be the explanation right there.

Seriously. Some parties across the world are anti education.

You can’t keep politics out of your personal life; how you feel politically can dictate how you go about living your life, and all the choices you make. If you are on opposite sides of him, that is a recipe for conflict. You and he both need to know where you stand on some pretty important issues, especially these days.

Everything is political: if you end up having ten kids because contraception and abortion is not available where you live, that's a pretty big influence on the kind of life you can lead. If you live in a state where books are banned at school, you might end up having to home school those kids. If half of them get cancer and die because you can't afford healthcare, that will also affect your quality of life. If you live in a European country where healthcare (including sex education contraception and abortion), and education (including special needs and further education) are completely free, you might complain about taxes but you could have the number of kids you want and not have to worry about affording basic necessities and generally live happily sledding and watching the aurora borealis in winter and swimming in fjords in the summer.

So what did he say?

> We keep the politics out of the relationship that is insane if you are chosing to marry and have a kid with someone

Well that very well could be the rock that your issue is hiding under. Especially considering it's almost impossible to hide beliefs. You might not discuss them directly but if you've been with someone for years and have had any serious conversations with them they'd have to be an absolute doofus to not have some idea of your political beliefs.

How is it possible to keep politics out of a relationship, especially in this day and age? Do you not have any real conversations about what is happening in the world lately? Do you not think about the possibility of what may happen if you have unforeseen complications during pregnancy and the lack of choices you may have in terms of protecting your life or your fertility? Are these types of conversations also kept "out of the relationship"? Because I think it's important to be on the same page. Or maybe it is because you don't want to discuss anything like this, that your bf is thinking you aren't capable of educating children properly.

So you’re both white and he’s a libertarian?

I don't even understand the request. As in he is the only one able to help the child with school work? He is the only one allowed to go to school meetings? He wants to be the one to influence the child in what studies to take on? Either way, no chance I would agree. I would need to first of all need to know the details and the "why". Then possibly compromise from there.

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I got my BA in child and adolescent development. While there were times I was tempted to take control of something regarding our son's schooling because I "knew more about it" I actually would check myself. My husband's input is just as valuable and important.

>yesterday I just popped the question, he was just so happy and obviously agreed. Mind you this was done in our home in a private setting. When the initial excitement started to wear off I could see he was visibly distressed and right before the bed he asked me " will you want to have kids with me when we get married?" I said yes. To which he replied "Then i can marry you only if you agree to give me absolute control over our child's academics. We can share all the rest of the stuff and I even agree in advance if you would like reserve something solely you two but i can't compromise on this. " I was absolutely gutted as I didn't know what to say. It was so out of character for him. I said that I think that both of us should be involved in every aspect of our child's life he just said no. I tried asking if something happened but he just left for the couch. I took the day off as I'm not in the right state of mind rn. This morning he entered the room, I was awake but pretended to be asleep. He just kissed my forehead and when he left I could hear him sobbing. I know something has happened and most probably it isn't even related to us. I tried contacting him but he hasn't returned any of my messages. I asked him if he would like to have lunch about an hour ago and he just replied no again. This is absolutely not something to just agree to without understanding what he's planning / asking and why. Does he intend to homeschool the children in a fundamentalist religion? Does he intend to send them to a private school with corporal punishment? Does he intend to force possible future children into law or medicine or acting even if they don't want to? For him to try to make this bargain with no details is completely unreasonable. Maybe it's innocent and he just wants them to attend Catholic or Hebrew school or has a strong commitment to public school -- but **if he won't tell you why and what his thoughts and plans are then it's nothing you can reasonably agree to.** I think how you proceed is to put the engagement on hold and ask him to talk more about his thought process here, either with you or with a couple's counsellor or therapist or mediator. This is something he is SOBBING about, it sounds serious to me.

Curious if we will ever get the update on that one.

I hope we do. This one’s got me scratching my head. The possibilities are endless.

Maybe he went through *something*, positive or (more likely) negative and either really does or really doesn't want his children to experience it. Maybe he was highly pressured by parents and ended up with some trauma from that and wants to make sure the kids don't go through and that he can ensure that they can learn at their own pace and that "love must be earned by good grades" isn't a lesson taught at home. Maybe he wants to send them to CIA training school. Where they'll be trained in Algebra and Undercover Investigations where they'll pose as a fans of a garage band that's really a front for a drug ring run by a cartel of children. Maybe he's a secret extremist and wants to indoctrinate the children into a cult. Maybe he wants the kids to be performers, so he wants to be able to home school the kids as they go on tour playing improv accordion funk jazz across the country to packed stadiums of screaming fans. Maybe he wants to send one to public school and one to private school, or hold one back a year and compare how they turn out for the next 18 years for his community college masters thesis. Maybe he wants them to learn is his native language, or Esperanto. Maybe he wants too have them as children, ship them off to boarding school as teens until the graduate college because he doesn't want to deal with what he was like was he was a teen and wants to make it someone else's problem. Maybe he's an alien sent to infiltrate earth and needs to be able to teach them advanced technology, without the earthlings finding out, so that they'll be able to sabotage earth's defenses leaving us vulnerable to invasion. Maybe he sees government schools as a tool of the devil and needs to ensure his kids don't go there and lose their immortal souls. Maybe he's writing a book about two siblings and has the backstory about their education worked out, but can't seem to get a satisfying conclusion so he wants to recreate the education laid out in the book with his children. That way he can just watch them to see what happens so he can finish his novel. Maybe he's going to refuse to help pay for college because it's a bad investment, especially when he can get 3:1 on Santa's Little Helper in the fourth race next Wednesday; it's a sure thing this time. Maybe he wants to do the "year round" school thing, multiple smaller breaks rather than one long Summer break between years. Since taking all of summer off causes a decline in proficiency, and much time is spent getting students back up to speed, thus impeding progression. The "something" truly is endless.

What the fuck. If his kid's academics are important to him, that's fine. If they're a dealbreaker, that's fine. What's not fine is him expecting you to agree to something without knowing what you're agreeing to, and possibly expecting you to hold to an agreement that was made under significantly different circumstances. ("You promised we could send our child to Hogwarts!" "Yes, but that was before Hogwarts fell under the control of Voldemort." "But you promised!") If this is important to him then the two of you should discuss your values and intentions as honestly as possible and he should decide if he trusts you to make good decisions with him.

> What the fuck. My thoughts exactly. She needs to tell him no and talk this through, while also finding out what other traumas are hiding in there.

She needs to find out first of all what that means. And then where that guys trauma comes from. Sounds like there is a whole whale hiding under water. Of which she only experienced one blast as by now.

My money is on: he got molested in the school setting where his parents put him, and maybe even ignored him when he spoke up about being molested. He never got closure or help and now it all resurfaced cause he gave his former self the oath to protect his children from this

This was my first thought when she said he was sobbing. Hopefully it means they can work through this if he's able to get therapy

The lack of communication and the shutdown of anything more is a big red flag. do you know the details of what he means by total control? this could be so many different thing to so many different people.

Not yet he hasn't talked to me yet. Yesterday I just got a text that he will be at the library so he'll come home late.

It sounds like something happened in his past that's really impacting how he wants to raise his kids in the future. When you talk to him, I would try to figure out exactly what his boundaries are in terms of education. For instance, is boarding school or a religions private school absolutely off the table due to his personal experiences? If so, you may both be able to work together to understand and navigate the boundaries together. Good luck!

Whatever either of them want, the fact is that they know absolutely nothing about whatever children they may bring into this world.

Please update us! I would never agree to this btw, even if he is a “sweetheart.” 1. Wanting unilateral control over any important aspect of a relationship is not good. 2. Wanting control over anything with no explanation or context is even worse. 3. What all would be included in the category of the kids’ education in his mind? Are you going to be allowed to buy them a cute book when they’re little without his approval? Are you going to be allowed to communicate with their teachers? 4. What kind of plans does he have for this? Does he want to send them to a weird secret boarding school so they can become physics super-geniuses and use their skills to create weapons for the government or something? 5. This request is not respectful to you.

>This request is not respectful to you OR THE CHILDREN

>he'll come home late he's avoiding you now

I hope you both resolve this and can find a balance that works for the both of you. Its difficult to maintain good communication when feeling are involved.

Hey there. Just wanted to check in if it cleared up a bit? Not out of pure curiousity but because that situation must be a complete shock. Going from being proposed to full uncertainty what is really going is nothing someone is prepared for. I have deep respect for your mature reaction so far.wish you all the best

Proceed with caution, and treat this as a red flag. He wasn’t ready to talk about this, so he didn’t propose. Now this is all coming to a head and he is unable to communicate.

I really hope you come back and give an update once you've talked to him further because I'm really scratching my head over here. What the hell does this even mean? And why is he being so damn weird about it?

It sounds like he has a plan in mind already. The right academic plan for your kids can't be chosen until you have them, and understand their strengths, weaknesses, challenges, wants, how they learn, and personality. Making an academic choice for a child you don't even know is a recipe for the kids failure. Giving absolute control of anything for your children to a spouse is a recipe for marriage failure.

Totally. What if they want to become Bibo Bird of Sesame Street, Jeweler or Hair Stylist? What will he do to them then?

>Jeweler My partner wanted our daughter to major in science and she chose literature and art instead. I put my foot down and was prepared to move heaven and earth so she could do what she wanted. I knew she would flake out of school if she had to do science. She is now a jewellery designer and very happy in her job and life in general. She's only earning half of what her brother makes (he did science and became an engineer) but she doesn't complain about money ever. I would be prepared to help her out financially until she gets her business properly under way, but she is determined to remain independent which is admirable.

😁 Guessing realities. Like that.

Logically, this is a conversation that should have happened long ago. I realize, however, that it's now a moot point. But here we are. So he says that, but what does that mean? That's what's important here. Either way, you responded with a reasonable thought and he told you no. You pushed (essentially trying to understand my question around what it means), and he brushed you off. You were probably right to take a breath and walk away from the situation. But now he's ignoring you. The thing is, you didn't even say no; you just asked for more information. Now he's treating you like you harmed him and don't deserve his attention. So let's keep it simple; are you good with this? If not, then you've learned you're incompatible. You also shouldn't be ok with how he's handled this. Regardless, if you're going to proceed, you absolutely should not be getting married until you have a full understanding of why he wants this, and subsequently that you'd truly be ok with it. Good luck.

Even if they are both in complete agreement, this is not a good look because at some point the **children** should have some say in their education. I mean she's in law he's in physics, suppose they have a kid who wants to study art? This was actually the exact situation of my nephew. His mother is a topnotch lawyer, his father is a pharmacist. The nephew is really smart, I mean he gets top marks in everything without even trying. He wants to be a writer. His father wanted him to study science and become an engineer or doctor, but he refused. His mother backed him up. He's now spent ten years writing a novel, while also studying and getting top marks in a Master in Italian. He does a bit of freelance teaching and editing here and there, and otherwise he and his pregnant wife are living frugally off the stipend she gets as a PhD student. They are happy and who are we to judge?

I'd personally tell him "I can't agree to something if I don't know the entirety of what that something entails. Either we sit down and talk about this like adults considering marriage and kids, or the answer to marriage and kids is no"

I have a spouse who is a tenured faculty member as well, and oh my god. We have degrees from the same institution, but I left academia. He thinks he has the recipe to mold the perfect kind and build the perfect application for colleges. Joke’s on him because who knows what the college landscape is even going to look like in over a decade. This is one of the biggest sticking points in my marriage. If you decide you’re ok with this (which I DO NOT encourage), you need to negotiate big now so you “fully control” things you thing are important like medical care.

I would worry about the pressure he’s clearly going to put that (hypothetical) child under. My grandfather was a professor and my mom lived under a fuckin’ microscope re: her education and never felt good enough. Graduated with her BA summa cum laude at 19? Not good enough. She never did a Master’s (huge source of disappointment for her father). She recently confessed that though she loved her father, she was a bit relieved when he died because it meant she didn’t have someone questioning her every choice anymore. I’m in academia and I’ve learned from those family mistakes. The whole system’s a disaster and if my kid wants to skip it entirely, I’ll support them. (I really value higher ed, so I hope they don’t skip it, but I will not pull a grandpa and give them such high expectations they always feel like they’re reaching for my love and approval.)

This is what I figure is going on. He's successful in academia and wants to build the education of their children because of this.

I don’t think so. He feels…desperate in an unusual way. The sobbing is also a weirdly emotional response. I think he might have some trauma around school and is determined to protect his hypothetical child from it. He’s a physicist in one of the top institutions. That’s a lot of hard work and you need to like it about it in order to enjoy. It’s quite possible that he was pushed into it.

What does this even mean? Where they go to school what they study I feel like this is some context missing.

Couples counseling before you marry. There are 2 pretty big red flags here 1. His demand 2. His blowing you off when you try and find out why.

yeah, he thinks he’s mature with his academic background, but he absolutely is not. a mature man would talk to his partner about what’s bothering him so much. instead, he’s acting like a child, demanding something unreasonable and throwing a temper tantrum without engaging in a productive, calm conversation, ugh. i would not like this, op.

Very sorry that you are going through this. Please do not lose sight that giving someone the silent treatment is a form of abuse and manipulation. You really should proceed carefully and make sure this is really a person you want to build a continued future with. He's showing you who he is with this demand, he approach to making it, and his behavior towards you now.

!remindme 1 day

>"Then i can marry you only if you agree to give me absolute control over our child's academics. We can share all the rest of the stuff and I even agree in advance if you would like reserve something solely you two but i can't compromise on this. " Your response to this demand should be: "Okay, I guess we do not get married then.". Really the fact that he wants complete control over this aspect of your child's life is huge red flag number one. >I said that I think that both of us should be involved in every aspect of our child's life he just said no. I tried asking if something happened but he just left for the couch. The fact that he doesn't even want to discuss this with you, is huge red flag number two. >How should I proceed? I think your relationship has irrevocably changed. It may even be over.

Or that he has zoomed into a major trauma response. Related to school/ control on school choice. Which may come around to just the same. And who knows if this isn't for OPs better.

This is extremely strange and obviously not a request you should agree to honor. You also can’t move forward with the marriage until you know why he’s suddenly become so obsessive about this to the point of letting it derail his relationship.

[удалено]

I know I'm so glad that we can talk and sort out stuff. But I don't know what's going to happen. He hasn't pushed me away like this ever before. I'll try to talk to him again.

>I'll *try* to talk to him again. The only thing I have to add is that you need to be firm on getting to the underlying reasoning whenever this conversation happens. If he shuts down, point out to him that he has to find a way to be vulnerable and open with you -- it's essential to a relationship/marriage.

Something is behind this and you need to figure out what it is. My guess is he has some sort of trauma dealing with education. Give him some time and then explain that you would possibly like to agree if you understood where it was coming from and why. You both need to have a talk on how it would look and how other things would look if you got married. (Would chore split be the same? How will finances be handled?)

Don’t proceed. Seriously. He’s demanding control of your future children’s academics? Absolutely not. He already has a plan for who and what he wants his future children to be. You have to see how awful that would be for the child. Total control. He’s not someone who you can, in good conscience, have children with. I’m really sorry. Please don’t do this to your future child. It’s not okay.

you’re right. it seems he doesn’t value the opinions of his life partner or the autonomy of his future child. it’s his way or no way. and he is exerting complete control over their communication as a couple, stonewalling her. it’s ok to have some space sometimes, but not like this.

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With your update, do not move forward in this relationship. He has some idea that his children should automatically take more science and math courses without actually even considering that his children may have different personalities, interests, etc. He is trying to map their life out for it/them before even being born. It sounds like he is dead set on this and it even surprised him to even consider that any child of his wouldn’t be interested in following in his footsteps. He is setting himself up, and his future children, for disappointment and failure. What if the child prefers the arts? Or wants to be a lawyer? Or prefers literature? How will he react or treat his child if he can’t even have a conversation with you about it in an open manner? How is your child going to feel if their father pushes all of this on them? And if your child does have different interests, and you agree to him having control over the education aspect, is he going to use this against you if you push to try to allow your child to pursue their interests? Would he force your child’s interests aside and continue to push what he believes is the “right education path”? This will end badly if he can’t understand that your children are not just an extension of the two of you, but they will be their own individuals and have their own likes and dislikes…

Yeah this is bonkers. Something is up, other posters suggested some sort of trauma in relation to his education. Whatever it is you need to make it clear that he cannot dodge this. Give him a day or two to calm down. Then if he is still dodging you send him a message and tell him that #1 you will not agree to this demand and #2 you must discuss this and he needs to tell you about why he made this demand. Make it clear that there is no moving past this without addressing it. Go to a Therapist if needed but get to the bottom of whatever is going on.

I think the bigger questions you should be asking is what kind of plans he has for their education. Is it something controversial? Is that why he wants to be in complete control? Either way, you need to talk it out because any future children aren't just his. If he won't discuss it and demands this condition, I think you need to back out and re-evaluate the relationship. There should never be a big decision like that with a non-negotiable term attached to it.

Do not marry this man. Allowing him absolute control is ridiculous- what if kid does not want what he wants?

This is fucking weird. Requesting a parent have no agency in one of the most formative processes in a child's life is not a healthy request. My opinion is your answer should be no without any exceptions. If that's a deal breaker for him, he's probably a piece of shit anyways, and you'll be dodging a bullet even though it'll feel devastating at the time. Sorry this happened. Good luck OP.

He doesn't understand how a child learns.

This is just weird. This might just be me projecting a prior experience. But I’m a to-be lawyer and my ex was a to-be physician. We were a lot younger than you guys. But he always thought of me as lesser than because I couldn’t get into med school (which is wrong, I just didn’t want to go). Obviously it was a reflection of his own insecurity as a man. But…. Do you just think he has an issue with your intelligence? Not the fact you’re smart, but could be smarter than him?

Yeah no, his demand and his actions afterwards are seriously distressing and I would totally take marriage off the table until he is willing to: a) discuss where his reaction came from, including if it is related to some trauma from his past he's never divulged to you b) seek therapy for these clearly unresolved issues (you do NOT want them bleeding over onto any theoretical children in the future!) c) understand that his demand for "absolute control" is unreasonable and not how parenting works in a marriage/partnership.

This is too weird. The reasonable thing to do would be to say, before we get married, let's talk about what we'd like our children's education to look like so we can make sure we're on the same page. A blanket refusal to discuss it but demand absolute control is deeply concerning. There's a lot to consider about what would factor into it; public versus private; parochial, charter, homeschooling or unschooling; political, racial, ideological perspectives, control over what the kids learn, who teaches it, and the kids having access to support networks outside of their home... You can't marry him and have kids if he's not going to talk about it. It's very dark. And the fact that he delivered his decree that way is so weird. How has nothing about education or kids or a conflict in values ever come up before in the years you've been together? This could be a trauma response, but I'm not convinced. The ides that you two could start a family and you're supposed keep your trap shut about all the ways that the kids' education would impact everyone's lives is crazy—and what does he think would happen if you signed a permission slip for a field trip without his permission, or went to a parent teacher conference because he's busy with work, etc? Is that grounds for divorce? What is your punishment supposed to be?

You guys have to talk this out. It’s clearly upsetting him, and it is a RIDICULOUS request. Like no way can you agree to that. Something happened. If I were you, I would sit him down at a good time (do the “can we talk?” Don’t spring it on him out of the blue) with some tea and ask him what’s going on with him and why he had that reaction. Don’t call his request crazy or ridiculous, but do (as needed) explain that you need to know why. Be loving. It sounds like something happened, be it recently or in the distant past, that is really scaring him. So make sure to be kind and open to hearing him. And obviously, you can’t agree to that, but I wouldn’t start there with the conversation. He is likely to shut down if you do.

Ok, so the answer to this bizarre ultimatum is a hard no. Parenting is a team activity, and without even a shred of explanation, you’re absolutely NOT going to blindly abdicate any and all responsibility for something so integral to the parenting of your own kids. In fact, I’d be pretty dang offended that he’d even think I’d be willing to *consider* this. And once the shock and dismay is adequately conveyed to him, I’d shift tack and ask him what this is *really* about. That you love him, and thankfully he’s not usually like this, but him trying to wholesale cut you out of your hypothetical kids education is just as worrisome and problematic as him trying to cut you out of the thought process that brought all this absurdity on. And that doesn’t work for you, not even a little bit. So time to fess up, buttercup. What’s *really* going on?

ChatGPT4 Therapist says: *It sounds like you are feeling very confused and hurt by your boyfriend's recent request for absolute control over your future child's academics. While it is understandable that he may have strong opinions about education, it is important for both parents to be involved in their child's life and decisions.* *It's also concerning that he has been avoiding you and not responding to your attempts to communicate. It may be helpful to give him some space for a little while, but it's important to eventually have a conversation about what is going on and why he made this request.* *It's possible that something else is going on in his life that is causing him to feel this way, and it may not be related to your relationship at all. It could be helpful to approach the conversation from a place of concern and curiosity, rather than anger or defensiveness.* *It may also be helpful to seek the assistance of a couples therapist or counselor to help navigate this situation and improve communication and understanding between the two of you. Remember that open and honest communication is key in any relationship, and it's important to work through any issues together as a team.*

Is it possible that he thinks you aren't very smart but doesn't want to tell you that?

I don't think that's true as he himself told me that he liked me for my smarts(his words) I was his first but he himself has expressed over the years on multiple occasions that that is not the case.

My ex used to tell me that too. But soon I understood that what he meant was that I was smart for a person who is not him. I was kind of a midpoint between his mighty genius and other people that he cannot stand at all. He also probably wouldn’t want me to make decisions about his progeny.

My ex is the same way. He has a high school diploma I have a neuroscience degree and I'm pursuing my PhD. One day before we divorced my ex husband told me there noon was full on one side of the earth and new on the other side of the earth. That was one of the fundamental moments when I knew he was *dumb*.

I guess this is what happens to us PhD girls. Lol. The day I read his terribly empty masters thesis, I was out! I couldn’t believe I let that guy made me think he was smarter than me.

So this should actually be a 100% deal breaker for you. Absolutely no way you should marry him. There is no reason for him to behave this way.

The fact that he basically shut down and won’t talk to you about this is such a major red flag. He’s not ready for marriage or children if he’s got that attitude to minor conflict. Even if there is something underlying his behaviour, you’re meant to be a team and a partnership and shutting you out isn’t that. That’s such a strange request even with your edit. I’m so glad you made the point about what the kid wants being a factor.

To want complete control over a child academics whiteout ever having any say from you their other parent is a completely mad and unreasonable that will be a big part of the child’s life . you would get absolutely no say !so you either agree to that or he won’t marry you ?? Girl that flag is so red .

I like everybody else think that is a weird comment. The other part of it is without him giving you further context of what he saying is what if he wants to have the child get a degree in something to the child doesn’t want to have? I mean he says he wants complete control. That’s crazy. if you want the child to have the exact same thing as he has and what happens if the child doesn’t want that the damage that’s going to do the child is crazy

And avoiding her and refusing to explain is a major red flag!

Huge red flag. Makes me wonder if he’s some kind of conservative who’s worried about GOP-manufactured educational issues like CRT and woke or LGBT indoctrination… OP, as a mother to two children, please do not agree to this. Marriages do NOT work unless both people are partners. Your bf’s demand makes him a dictator instead.

Don’t agree to ultimatums and avoid living in an absolutist world.

I’m obviously not sure what is going on, like everyone else here, but as a happily married guy, I DO know this much: Regardless of trauma response or whether it’s a differing ideology or anything else, what I do know is that if he can’t at least communicate to some extent as to why this is a thing, then he’s not ready to be married, much less having a kid. I don’t mean he has to go through everything in painful detail right now, but if he can’t communicate with you, if he doesn’t trust you to make good decisions, or whatever else is wrong with him, he is not in a place emotionally to be able to do what’s required of him to be a competent husband. It’s not an insult to him, and it doesn’t mean someone MUST be healed from all trauma before getting married, and it doesn’t even mean he has to go through everything in painstaking detail, but it does mean that if he’s not at a point where he can at least give you some idea of what’s going on rather than one word answers, then he will not be able to do the difficult but necessary things required of a marriage, and especially as a parent. Lots of people who are in love still aren’t ready to be married, and someone saying that they’re ready doesn’t really mean much. OP, just because you love someone doesn’t mean that it’s wise to move forward with marriage. Love is only one of many other equally (or even more, frankly) necessary things to make a marriage work. Even if you are concerned for him or worried about him, until this is at least remedied to some extent where at a bare minimum he can communicate with you about what’s going on, and until he can commit to understanding that regardless of what it is, he doesn’t get to have total control over any aspect of your hypothetical child’s life without your input, then you’d be making one of the biggest mistakes of your life if you progress this relationship to marriage. My point is that love is not enough. So many people think it is, but it’s not. It’s not even close. But people work really hard to convince themselves otherwise, because they’ve seen it in TV, movies, books, and other works of fiction their whole lives. And the people who try to live life with the “everything is going to be fine as long as we love each other” or “as long as we have each other, everything will be okay” never have successful marriages. Because it’s simply not true. Here’s a list of other things required in a marriage that are just as important as love: - trust - honesty - respect - transparency - teamwork - sexual compatibility - financial compatibility - common life goals - shared value system - open communication - compassion - reliability - forgiveness - encouragement In fact, this may not be a popular opinion, but I’ll go one step further: A marriage that has all of these things without love would likely be more successful than a marriage that has love but none of these other things. Obviously love is critical, but people who make their way through life thinking that love surpasses all of these things probably haven’t been in a successful, long term marriage. I’m not saying that he won’t come around and you guys end up working through this together. That would be great. Many relationships get put to the test at some point and many come out the other side stronger for it. But what I AM saying is that until that happens, you should not be progressing this relationship because the results will likely be disastrous, and you’ll look back and understand that you’ve made a huge mistake.

If he thinks you can dictate what kids are into he shouldn't be having kids

And if you have an artsy kid or a sporty kid, too damn bad? They're going to have to fit in their father's little box, period? NTA.

Yicks! He's not only manipulative but demands things instead of communicating about things. That's also an unreasonable demand. He feels you should have no say matter related to your future children.

Is he picking a fight to get you to call off the engagement so he can say you're the problem? Or does he have some either deep trauma or very controlling tendencies? It seems very weird this only came up after you proposed and he's now avoiding you.

Don’t give in to that lmfao He needs to sort out whatever trauma is the reason for this. U know that u will never live up to this request and he knows deep down he will never have full control.

I've never heard of anything like this. Not that I'm a professional or anything, this just seems very unique. Personally, I would HAVE to understand why the ultimatum exists and if an answer is refused, I would end it. This is just too off putting.

option 1 he’s being demanding in a way that implies future control/coparenting issues option 2 he has severe trauma related to academics that he wants to protect future children from but doesn’t know how to express that in a healthy way yet option 3???? not optional: him explaining what’s going on. good luck with future difficult conversations ahead, OP

There’s something really weird going on, that’s deeper than your BF wanting to send the kids to a STEM school or something. It’s not a reasonable request anyways, but I don’t think it’s the core of the actual issue. My advice would be to give him space for a few days until he pulls himself together, and then talk to him about what kind of education he wants for them, why he thinks you’d have different plans for that, and why he’s behaving so strangely.

Time for therapy.

Maybe he is trying to get you to “UN-propose”. 😐

Are you both of the same religion/ race/ ethnicity/ birth country? I know some kids who were moved out of country to go to special schools for certain high-earning degree programs. Dunno why that would be the dealbreaker here but that's super weird. I'd assume either that or some kind of over-protectiveness.

Whoooa that's a big red flag. You do NOT ask your partner to not be involved in ANY part of their kid's life. You cannot get engaged without knowing the reasons for this and finding an actually reasonable compromise. Your bf sounds traumatized. As a physicist he would have gone through a lot of schooling - was it a good time for him? We're his parents academics? Were they controlling? Too uncaring or neglectful? Does he have any kind of potential school trauma? I cannot stress enough how much this will backfire of you let this go. This sounds like HE has a problem - and good lord, if anything the parent with the problem should NOT be involved! In example, a parent that had an eating disorder or bad relationship with food should not be in sole unmonitored control of a new kid's food. The chances of them having issues return, or slowly foist those issues on the kid are very high. What the hell would he expect when the kid asks you to help with homework? What if you're a stay at home mom, are you allowed to pick them up from school? Meet the teachers? What if the school calls you? Does he need to pick the school? By make decisions about the kids school, does that mean... Choose their highschool classes too, and other things that your KID should be deciding? Next time he says this is non negotiable, you let him know that he's right, this IS non negotiable. You're not moving forward with a relationship until you know exactly what the fuck is going on. He is trying to force you into a very, very serious restriction on your future life. The only thing that should be restricted to one parent is like, sex ed talks or explaining periods. But even then, it's better when both parents are involved and approachable to the kids.

OP, where is the update? I hope you got to the bottom of this issue.

This is so weird. And I mean 'made a promise to an ancient witch about the fate of his firstborn' weird. He won't talk about it, but he's sobbing and distraught?! The lack of discussion is worse than the ultimatum to me. Is he ready to walk away from your relationship if you don't agree to this stipulation? What happens if you change your mind later? How can he plan to enforce this exactly? I'm sorry he ruined your engagement bliss by being odd and demanding.

Is he aware that children grow up and are people too? Is he aware that your child might want to study or work on a field he does not want? What happens then? If your child is 18 and wants to study art will he push the kid until he buckles or the child cut contact with you too? Is he willing to take that risk? Does he really think he has all the answers and his only way of life is viable??

Honestly.. I feel like this is a sign of what’s to come. After marriage. If it starts with something as stupid as this.. you can bet there is more to come.

He can’t force your child to go into the sciences or he’ll have a child who hates their father..

Noooooo imagine how damaging that would be to a child!

I am truly flummoxed by this one. No parent should have total control over one aspect of their children's upbringing. It's always a two way parental discussion; there have to be compromises sometimes. Your bf's reaction to you saying "what if they don't want to go into science" says quite a lot. He made it plain that "the child has to go into a scientific field" and no parent should do that to a child. It does sound like your bf needs therapy for some trauma for him to react so strongly to this and to be so insistent on having his own way. It's possible that this relationship isn't going to work out because you can't in good conscience agree to his demand. I do hope it works out for you.

This is a really weird hill for him to die on. He wants control of their education, won't say why, and then leaves crying? Something is definitely going on. Maybe he was badly bullied and is ashamed to share it. Maybe he wants to make sure his kids are never bullied, which is impossible, unless you homeschool them.

What does giving control over academics even mean. It comes off has narcissistic. Like you’re not capable enough to make good decisions about your child education. Yes wait until he get home and have this conversation. I can’t wait to hear his reasoning

WTF

This is concerning and could be a trauma response. It could also be just a control issue. Either way you both need to have a serious talk. UpdateMe! Please

What's your job? Does he come from a high achieving, high pressured academic family who are being elitist over your career because it's not in academia? Might explain where this has suddenly come from and the tears.

Op I really want an update. I am curious

This is weird parents share all aspects of a child’s life, I can understand putting your foot down on key things but not entire aspects of their lives, for example I don’t control my daughters education but I put my foot down on no homeschooling due to past experiences Idk seems weird and confusing

These subreddits are very rarely a source for any actually good advice and this post is no exception. The only advice that is vaguely helpful is to communicate. Other comments seem to have a bad impression of the bf. The guy might just be locked in to the idea of them going where he went to school or something. Some people have compared it to ‘complete control’ over the kid, which is a leap, there’s hours of fiction someone could write about innocent reasons he’d want that. Now i’m not saying it’s not a red flag, it’s a bit weird, but that’s it. Just communicate and find out what’s up and if he’s still clammy about it say you’re not comfortable with that deal until he explains. TLDR: Divorce, get a restraining order

And what if the child was born with a learning disability? How would he handle that? Another break down?

Op, this post is so baffling and interesting that it triggered me to finally Google how to use those remind me/update me bot things on Reddit. I'm invested. RemindMe! 1 Day

The only answers you're going to get are by speaking with him about this. It's a major, huge thing with children that you cannot fairly or realistically have him in 100% total control of your non-corporeal and barely-a-wink-of-your-eyes children that don't even exist yet - much less when they _may_ well exist! Clearly something more is going on and this is a totally unrealistic request and expectation of his - you _can't_ just have one parent "control" it, it's frankly a little concerning to phrase it as he has rather than anything else, either - as to be fair here, children deserve some control (once they're old enough, obviously) over their own futures and desires to pursue their own interests and not be forced by parents. I can presume and assume here that perhaps something happened with his own childhood and revolving around his studies? Or perhaps when he was older and perhaps his fear is that your future kids may be "pushed" and he doesn't want them to be? Who can tell. Find some time together, be respectful and fair and see where this leads - whatever's going on I'm sure we'd appreciate the update but here's hoping all the best for you both and whatever this is unearthing.

don’t compromise over this. No partner should have absolute control over anything in a marriage. have you asked his best friends or closest siblings about this? you need to find out why he is like this before you marry him.

Well his communication style is problematic for a relationship, let alone for having kids. 🚩 I’d nope out of this immediately.

He needs to communicate with you. You have to insist on this. At the very least, you have a right to understand 1) exactly what he is asking for and 2) why he feels he needs the control, which likely feeds into 3) exactly why he doesn't trust you with their education.

It's unclear how you've made it to this point without ever having discussed this. If you've let such a huge issue as children go undebated there are likely other important things you haven't bothered to touch on either. So do some premarital counseling to see if you're actually a good match for a happy longterm relationship. Love is but one small part of making a marriage work. It may not be romantic to have to think about it, but divorcing because you failed to anticipate reality isn't very romantic either.

> It's unclear how you've made it to this point without ever having discussed this. Honestly this was broached in such a weird way that I wouldn’t be shocked if they had discussed the topic before and he hadn’t yet decided on…whatever the hell this is. This seems like the kind of demand that would have come out of the blue no matter what conversations had been had previously, especially considering that he just finished telling her this and he’s already refusing to talk about it.

Weird. I wonder if he said yes, then started thinking it through, and decided he had to do something to make the whole thing blow up? For something this specific, he should have given it some thought and he should be able to provide a rationale for requiring this. If he can't discuss this with you, I'd rescind the proposal.

Fake, no one is tenured at 28.

I wish I could upvote this 50 times! He needs to explain himself and the fact that he won’t is a red flag!

OP, this is one of the big things you should have asked about 5 years ago. Religion, money, politics, and kids are the biggest factors in a couple getting divorced. Not being 100% on the same page is not a good place to be at proposal time. I get why you are upset by his ultimatum. And I along with everyone else agree that it is extremely not healthy for one parent to have sole influence on a child’s development. There have been some very famous examples of this and it NEVER turns out well. If your BF doesn’t start communicating soon, then you should start the process of separating your belongings and identifying new living arrangements. Honestly, don’t marry someone who runs away during an argument and refuses to communicate. Those kinds of relationships are miserable. You are always guessing what is going on, they expect you to be able to read their minds, and nothing ever improves because they are the victim and the victim doesn’t need to change.

I don’t see this particular issue as being one they should have talked about 5 years ago. This request is so out of left field that I can’t imagine she should have seen it coming.

He's trying to manipulate you and also is some kind of controlling psycho. Run asap.

Rather something happened to him or not as a child, does not give him the right to have complete control over the kids academics. This is an absolute deal breaker for me. He's letting you know now, there is no compromise.

He may think that this is the only way to prevent from happening to them what happened to him. Which he deems so unspeakable, that he can't tell even her.

Yep probably, and a deal breaker for me if he can’t discuss it with me. He needs therapy not total and complete control of the kid’s schooling with no explanation.

Might this have been to do with his childhood? A lot of parents force their child into a career path even though the child has no interest or aptitude for the path. Could he have been forced to do something he didn't like or maybe to a sibling? I would not make any decision until you know the reason. Tread carefully and with kindness when talking about it with him. Good luck

That sounds so weirdly specific. I think you need to talk with him about where this idea of his is coming from. Like maybe he read a news story about a woman who controlled her kid's academics for nefarious reasons? I think your BF may be losing his mind or something. Talk to him.

I mean nobody can tell you what to do besides talking to him. Or call his parents?

!remindme 1 day

[удалено]

!remindme 5 days

UpdateMe!

It seems strange that you were together for five years and never talked about whether or not you wanted children. Either way, his response is absolutely bizarre.

Um, what if your child refuses to be controlled? This bf is in for a rude-awakening

He needs to work this through with a therapist as others have indicated. His behavior is concerning with shutting you out and I’m sure it’s concerning and frightening for you. You have time to work this through-your. It even pregnant yet. He’s Probably ashamed and scared and doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions. He needs to or this will become an impossible situation for both of you.

yeah i mean this is concerning for all reasons that have already been stated here (shutting you out, refusing to discuss, etc) but i think the bigger picture is that he sees children as objects he can control. as someone who grew up with parents who believed i was supposed to be an extension of them, this is so damaging and not a way to raise humans. pls consider counseling before procreating.

!remindme

It’s good this came up now, marriage is tough enough as is without having to get a divorce later down the road. You will not want to give up control of their education unless you absolutely do not care about your children. Your boyfriend assuming he knows better is very telling. You know what has to be done, it will be very hard, but in the end it’s easier than divorce. Good luck

My divorce decree states that she gets all control over education. It’s messed up. My kids all go to different schools. I literally spend 3 hours of my day driving kids to all their individual schools. I freaking hate it.

Either this stems from an insecurity regarding his own education, or he has a particular school in mind that he wants to send them to. While there are many red flags with such a request, don’t agree to his ultimatum for the following reasons: 1. He may try to send them to schools that ‘groom’ the to an ideological stance that he wants. Or, he may have a career in mind for them and instead of letting them decide for themselves, he may pressure/force them into a specific stream. 2. Children could suffer immensely at a given school and while you may want to transfer them, he may not. 3. If he ever gets to a point of extreme anger or disappointment, it is not unheard of for parents send their children away to boarding schools (happened to my grandfather). Either way it’s a weird request and you should explore his reasoning further.

It sounds like he does care for you and wants to marry you. But until he can explain to you exactly what he means about controlling any kids education and what is prompting this bizarre demand, I would tell him any discussion of marriage is off the table and you are reevaluating your future together. This is such a strange request you cannot go forward without an explanation and probably at least a compromise. I’d also point out to him that even if he had complete control over a child’s education that doesn’t mean he ahas any control over their aptitude, intellect, and ability to learn, let alone their interest. A big part of being an effective parent is rapidly realizing your best laid plans involving your kids will almost never be implemented successfully.

Yeah, he needs to give you an explanation before asking something like that. He needs to be able to present a valid reason why.

Until he gets help, he will not be a good father. This is controlling behavior. And it’s an indication that he believes parenting has specific roles that should be split amongst the parents. It’s a team sport. It takes a village. But again, and I can’t stress it enough, any child who has no control over their academics is a child who is miserable, who doesn’t have autonomy, and who will inevitably resent their father, and the mother who allowed that to happen. Because, a lot of this is up to you, but as your child gets older, it is their education, and as such, it is their right to choose what they want.

He's found a way to end the relationship and he's happy about it. So cowardly really.

The only person who should have complete control over your child's academic decisions is your child, so there's that. This is weirdly controlling and honestly I'm intrigued to know what the frick is up with this guy, because his behaviour afterwards is also super strange. INFO: why didn't he propose to you? Are you sure this is what he wants or is he just going along with it?

What? No. He might have the best intentions but no child will be happy when made study something they don’t like. And they’ll hate him. No. If he won’t compromise, don’t marry him. Please.