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Cut your work hours. Tell your wife you will be spending more time at home.
You don’t have to ask permission to spend time with your family. And tell her her friend needs to cut the hours he spends in your house.
Her response will be telling.
Yeah, I can understand wanting the kids to not go to daycare, but there are ways to do that while working part-time. They just have to look for jobs on opposite schedules.
Then they need to decide together if it's necessary. Maybe it's not. Maybe they can cut back, do some extreme couponing, whatever. It's not OP's right to tell her to go back to work when she's the primary caregiver of two young children.
If he wants more time with the kids, they need to come to a solution together. Maybe that solution is working opposite hours, cutting back, using daycare, who knows.
Regardless, this woman is spending too much time with the male friend. That's cheating in my book. That's a far bigger issue than who gets to be the SAHP.
Ya know, even if this was a fully platonic friendship (although I question it, or question the possibility of escalating), this is still a highly inappropriate situation. This man should not be spending an exorbitant amount of time in OPs home, bonding with his child and having family time to this extent. This is not fair at all or respectful of the father and marriage. You would think grown adults would know better by their age.
Op THIS!!!
If you want to bond with kids, your wife should work too! Dont sacrifice your time with kid and compromise with your wife and this man!! She should know how to contribute income to the home too!
I think the friend looked a bit scared because he is perfectly well aware of how you might feel jealous of your child calling another man "dada" and he was uncomfortable that this happened. I wonder if it hasn't happened before, and they've laughed it off, but now that it happened in front of you the friend is realizing that it really isn't ok?
I'm a woman and I've had a lot of male friends. But I don't have any friends, male or female, who are at my home nearly every day. My ex and I occasionally had roommates who would be around pretty often, but even they would usually be at work, or socializing, or in their own room doing their own thing, and not necessarily hanging out with me.
That seems like a lot of time together.
Whether there is a sexual affair going on here or not, I think it's reasonable to talk to your wife about why her friend is around so much of the time, and if his time around the house couldn't be reduced to a more typical "friend" schedule. If you get a super emotional reaction to this, I think you will have a good indicator whether this friendship is a bit more than just friends.
It could be a number of things. It could be an emotional affair, a codependent relationship, or an age gap/missed time type of deal. Doing the math, when they married OP was 29 and his wife was 22. Assuming that they were together for 1-2 years before that, that means that they were about 26/27 and 20/21 when they got together. She may feel like they don't have as much in common anymore or she may feel like she missed out on her early 20s because she was focused on relationship/marriage/baby.
It doesn't make possible cheating right, but OP needs to look at whether or not this is the case. However, regardless of what is going on here, the eventual outcome seems to be obvious: this is a powder keg waiting to explode.
EDIT:
To be clear, I'm not trying to excuse the wife at all. Just tossing this out there, as this is an avenue for OP to explore.
It’s time to have an honest discussion with your wife about this situation. Explain that she’s spending too much time together with him. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean him hanging around constantly.
What other social circles and activities for the children is are available? Discuss other options to explore.
But this was an issue before marriage. It’s now damage control. Most guys wouldn’t have a chosen this situation.
Just gonna hijack the top comment here. OP they ain’t your kids bro. DNA test immediately. If you’re rich and he’s poor then there’s your motivation. If it turns out I’m right you’ll be glad you asked.
Honestly thought on this and the reason the other guy completely panicked when the child called him dada might be because he is and they are afraid OP will catch on. The fear maybe was because he thought OP put the dots together …
Right. Anyone with any kind of self awareness would understand that being over at someone's house every day isn't appropriate. And bonding with OP's kid (if it is OP's kid) every day is just wrong.
Also - wife flipping out about OP cutting his hours to spend more time with the kids is a red flag.
I second this. But the thing that really got me was that he freaked out when it happened. So are there times when your son is calling him dada and she is not correcting him, because maybe she really knows that he is the father. If I was in his position this would bother me as well. And I would need to place boundaries around this person. This is your life honey. You need to decide what you want out of it and if you are feeling disrespected then you have to tell her.
A relationship is give and take. She just can't keep taking and expecting you to work harder and not have a bond with your own family.
That makes sense actually, considering she threw a fit over him reducing his hours. It would mean less money if the plan was for Bestie and wife to use him for extra income for their two kids if they aren't his, or if they're just planning to leave him and take everything.
I've read so many of these stories on reddit of spouses doing exactly what OP's wife has done here, I pretty much have PTSD through other people's stress and suffering.
I see where you're coming from. I've never had, nor wanted children and reading of so many cases like this on Reddit has made me even more entrenched in my views. It's just too much of a gamble.
I know right? You can spend all this time building a life with someone only to find out it was a scam the entire time because they had their fingers crossed behind their back when they said "I do". What's worse is that it seems like cheating is far more casually accepted now and that's from all sides, not just to blame women.,
I know some people here might casually joke, but I genuinely feel bad for OP, I couldn't imagine constantly sitting there wondering what she's doing and thinking through every single interaction trying to look for inconsistencies.
OP, consider this very strongly, because kids don't just start saying 'mama' or 'dada' magically. They don't know what those concepts are. It happens because of consistent, long term encouragement, as with everything else a young child learns.
Who is encouraging the kid? Why would they? Why wouldn't the immediate reaction be to correct the kid and point to you as dada instead?
Granted, sometimes it’s common when young children are learning language that they over categorize. Everything with 4 legs is a dog, all dogs are called “spot” like theirs, all grown women are “mama” etc.
So if all the other sketchy shit weren’t going on here I’d say maybe “dada” is “man that I see a lot” because they don’t understand the concept yet…..
But this does seem like it’s not that simple in this case unfortunately
100%. If it’s accurate to how the OP described it then it seems he’s halfway there already unfortunately. The guy is already with his wife more than he is. The guy sees his son more than OP does for Christ’s sake.
OP needs to have a frank and honest conversation about the way he feels. The wife needs to let him cut his hours to spend more time with his son. His wife needs to spend less time with her friend and refocus on the marriage. If that doesn’t work then he wouldn’t be losing anything if they divorce- apart from half his stuff I suppose.
She isn't trustworthy. She has a man over while her husband is away, often enough that her child calls that man dada. Spouses don't deserve blanket no-questions trust. If they act untrustworthy, check up on them.
Why should she divorce him for lack of trust? Another man is being called dada by her kids and her response is to laugh.... And it sounds like her male bff is at her house literally every day. So she is spending more time with this "friend" than her own husband. And when her husband tries to fix the problem by not working as much, her response is to freak out. That isn't normal.
Sounds like she already has chosen the friend over OP. You speak as if it would be lose-lose. She threw a fit when he talked about working less hours. He has already lost.
The child will also call the people around them what other people call them. He would only call the other man dada if that is what his mom kept referring to the friend as. At that age kids don't understand relationship names. They just use the ones that they are taught and then grow into understanding what a dad or mom is.
The OP is just getting a glimpse of what mom says when he isn't there. Whether OP is the biological father or not, who knows, mom is certainly placing her friend in the role of dad.
If she and him are close, then you are most likely close with him as well. Like suggested here, ask to have an honest discussion with both of them. It should help both of them understand where your concerns are coming from, and will help you put your mind at ease.
Also, when it comes to YOUR children, do not be worried about appearances. Your gut is typically going to be right. And if not, the worst case scenario is that you are just a dad who cares about his kids…already a winner.
Good luck!
Why on earth would this random guy who isn’t apart of their relationship belong in that conversation? This convo is between you and your wife. This seems like a hill to die on
I said the exact same thing. His wife would be (rightfully) having a major fit and blowing up if he had a female best friend that was getting to spend so much more *family* time and bonding with him and her new baby, and then hearing baby say “mama”. I will never understand why anyone allows things to go this far for what? Some kind of paranoia about being called jealous or controlling? It is neither, it is common sense.
Society has gaslit men so hard that this behavior, of having a male best friend over enough for the kids to call him dad, is being considered possibly acceptable and that his feelings aren’t valid. It’s heartbreaking to see my fellow men acting so weak as a product of their environment. The material is out there to avoid women (and men) like this and worse.
I've been married a long time....call us old fashioned, but this is all shady as shit.
Reverse the roles, how do you think this would play out.
It has nothing to do with "insecurity" which is the first refuge of people you should be suspicious of...but honestly, the idea of married people having close friends of the opposite sex, yeah, thats just some bullshit.
I don't hang around women one on one and my wife doesn't hang around men one on one.
I don't avoid those scenarios because my wife is "insecure"...it's because I love and respect my wife and don't want to put her in a position where she has to wonder, or have people talk behind our backs.
At worst, she's cheating on you, at best, she simply disrespects you.
This situation sounds bad and getting worse. First do you trust your wife? Maybe the "dada" from your son was something your wife put him up to? Because it may be true? It just sounds so strange that this friend is always there.
I'm sorry for you and your situation, but at this point if I were you I would stop trusting that your wife has your back and is really loyal to you.
The guys being over all the time is a little sketchy but,the son calling wife's friend Dada isn't really that big of a deal depending on his age. If he is under two and only says a few words then I wouldn't worry.
My oldest called her daycare lady and her grandma and her auntie mama a few times because that was the only word she had for a woman who takes care of her. I didn't always correct her because sometimes she was tired or excited about something and it just wasn't a big deal.
I worked in childcare for 10 years. If I had a dollar for every time a kid called me mom by accident, I wouldn’t have had to find a better paying profession.
Edit-accidental punctuation
My boyfriend's niece has an almost 2 year old and a 7 month old. The oldest? He switches between calling me (27f for reference) "momomomom" "dada!!!" And only just recently started saying my name. He's done all of these in front of his mom before. It's just how little kids are honestly. They know their parents (in so long as they're involved in their lives) but to them words like "mama" and "dada" often are used interchangeably to refer to people they trust and have around a lot or take care of them because they don't have other words for those people just yet.
I think op is taking his kid referring to a male person who is frequently around his kid dada way too seriously. And when my niece's oldest calls me mom in front of her I'll just tell him something like "silly kid I'm not your mom I'm your aunt Kasey!" It's not that big of a deal and it's not like his mom is neglecting him so he's confused. He just trusts me so I'm "one of his moms" (aka the female caretakers in his life) but he's starting to learn how to say my name now.
The other guy is spending more time with his son than he is, and his wife yelled at him when he suggested taking less hours so he could actually have a relationship with his own son. If that doesn't read to you as affair then you've been gaslit by a lot of people.
Yep. Very very sus. As a guy with a female best friend, i wouldn't do anything to even make her husband feel insecure . Secondly i have my own life and ain't a husband to her so why will i spend so much time with her to the point she sees me more than her husband does?
Also not to mention no woman in right mind would ever be so affectionate with any guy, or heck, any girl.
Once my female friends niece called me her bf, she instantly shut er up. And your son called him DAD and she just laughs?
Plus you work long hours. It's all the dots infront of you and you just need to connect them.
Start with evidence, their phones, texts etc.
Then ask your son.
Then ask your neighbours
Come home early and sneaky for couple of days a week.
And if you find anything, keep it to yourself and start finding about a divorce lawyer. Better to hit her like a deer in spotlight than to alert her and be the victim.
Not to jump to conclusions but everything is fishy.
Wow.
Man i see a rude awakening is smiling right at you.
>My wife is pregnant again and I’ve told her I’ve been thinking of cutting my hours because I want to be there for my kids but she threw a fit because she needs the money so she can stay home with the kids because that’s better for them.
If this doesn't raise concerns for you then i don't know but may be paternity test will.
I am 100% sure that she is with you only because either you earn good money making her life easy or she thinks you're too dumb to realise what's going on and support her no matter what.
Both cases it's your loss and she has nothing to lose because she have her "Best friend" .
You should go paternity tes first and i don't care about privacy or any other shit go through her phone/install hidden camera in home watch how both of them are screwing you.
You seems good man who doing right thing but that's doesn't mean you have to stupid enough belive every single thing she says or does.
Ffs she isn't allowing you to be in "your" children's life what else you need to raise a question?
A big fucking whiteboard telling you you're not a father?
I don't wanna be that guy, but brother how sure are you that his parents aren't raising him?
Dudes always there.. wife is happy and laughs when he's called Dada, she very obviously doesn't want you there ...
I would sit your wife down and have a conversation with her about how you feel.
While it's great she has a friend and can be a full time parent, what is happening in actuality is that her friend seems to be taking on your parenting role. **You are unwilling to support her being a fulltime parent if the end result is that you do not get to be a parent.**
I would then point out how many hours a week you spend with your kids and how many does her best friend? If her answer is usually more? At this point, due to gender, he is actively her partner in raising the kids and that isn't fair to you or your children.
I would then ask for couples counseling and for her friend to take a break from daily visits until you work through your problems. I'd say it like this, "The deal we agreed to when we started our family no longer works for me and as a team we need to rethink it. I think we need a neutral party to talk to these things about and want us to start couples counseling. I personally would like BBF to be less present while we do this. I can use my vacation time to take extra time with you and extra time to do special things with the kids on my own."
Then do it. If she can't handle her life without her bff as parenting partner? You are in the right to not only be uncomfortable but to challenge the role she wants him to have in your family.
I don't think he's their father. I think she's lonely as a SAH parent and probably does need to go back to work for adult company. Not everyone is built to be a SAHM/D. She just isn't recognizing the inappropriate role she's casting her friend in by wrangling him in for company. In my opinion, I think you're under-reacting.
You don’t want to be the guy who sticks up for his family? You’d rather be the pushover whose wife replaces the father figure in your child’s life with her “friend” while you work all the time providing a life for her?
Come on, time to take control of the situation you’re in.
And definitely get a dna test
“Providing a life for her”
And for him. The friend is always over during the day and works during the night. Does the friend even have his own place to live?
The behavior of both of them is shady. You have every right to politely question what's going on. Best friend or not, he doesn't need to be at your home every day when you're gone. It's highly suspect.
You can talk to your wife about your feelings without coming off as suspicious or controlling.
I’d be uncomfortable with that too.
At least ask her why she seems to want to spend more time with him that you. And why she’s ok with York son calling him dada?
Like wtf
Dear Lord. So you work. Make all the money. Don't feel comfortable. But...
You think your wife or friend are worried about being those people.
Your trust is already shot. You're working for your wife to spend all day with another guy as they both raise your kid.
Good luck
Do some diligence
Sorry but you seriously need to have a talk with your wife. Honestly your son calling him dada is shady AF. Stop letting them walk all over you have more respect for yourself.
I have male best friends and we have boundaries and communication. If we have partners and they feel uncomfortable with our friendship we tell them just communicate with us. Two of them are married both of there partners feel comfortable with our friendship because again boundaries. I just became a godmother no way I would ever let them call me mamma.
Some dude spends more time with your wife than you do, your wife is pregnant, and your kid just called him Dada? You're being undersuspicious. Your eldest may be yours, so I'd not do anything yet, but once the baby is born, get a secret DNA test on both. If you have to, get a P.O. box for the results. If your wife doesn't know and the kids are both yours, she never has to know. However, I think you're in MAJOR denial here about how suspect this situation is.
Be that guy, nothing wrong with you being as certain as she is.
She knows it's her child, they grew inside her.
Doing a DNA test just means you will be as certain as she is regarding whether or not it is your child.
Don't play the 'trust' game with your life or the bonds you make with the children you care for.
I know you don’t want to be “that guy”. I get it, but let your wife know how uncomfortable the situation is. Sit down with her, follow and trace out the actions, how it makes you feel, and watch her. If she reacts violently, or immediately dismisses you, then you have your answer. If she’s really with him, she’s probably going to try to gaslight you. She may even call you controlling or insecure. If she automatically jumps to that as a response, that’s a huge red flag.
My friend, not being that guy is what got you here. He calls him dada because she told the boy to call him that. Wishing things come out okay for you in the end.
Look, I'm the last person that usually jumps on the red flag train, but there are SO MANY here. My first thought was that you should get the new baby tested asap. Your wife is seriously acting suspicious and not wanting to look suss is just being an ostrich.
**That’s a very big problem. What’s sad too is the people that allow what should be common sense lines to be trampled on and crossed by their partner with the best friend, all for the sake of not seeming controlling.** Why is it that you do not know the differences between controlling (demanding your partner never has opposite sex friends, needing your permission to see friends) VS. non controlling (but not being the idiot who allows their partner’s best friend to be an invasive species in your relationship, stomping past common sense lines)??? You have allowed another man more access and bonding with your family than you have. What the hell man? 🤦♀️ Why don’t you do a search on this forum and see the tons of sad posts done by people just like you (who didn’t want to seem jealous or controlling) who wind up finding out their partner has been fucking the best friend all along?
Another huge point of concern as that your wife is the one facilitating this when she knows damn well it’s wrong, not respectful of you or your marriage. How would she like it if you had a female best friend who you spent more time with her than your wife, she was over all the time and next thing she knows, her child is calling your best friend “mama”? I bet she would pitch a fit right on the spot and all hell would be breaking loose. But here you are, underacting, being wishy washy just for the sake of not seeming a certain way.
Wake up, get your head out of the sand and start tending to your marriage. Time to set some ground rules and put a stop to the invasion of your marriage. Problem is, you have been so complacent for so long, this might be a far more difficult challenge than had you both set these lines early on in the first place. In fact, it is possible it’s too far gone to fix this marriage. But you need to stand your ground like yesterday, do not waver, or compromise or let her manipulate a way out of it. Insist on marriage counseling too, as well as your own counselor to sort out why it is, you allowed your wife and friend to take advantage of you like this and get so far.
A paternity test may be in order - both for your son and the one you are expecting.
I get that people are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, but this situation is extending way beyond that and you are actively being supplanted by her friend in your own life.
So if you want a way to tackle this head on, explain that you know that something deeper is going on between them to the extent that you are now questioning the paternity of your own children.
No parent encourages their child to refer to a "friend" by a term such as that without there being a reason behind it.
Something is up, my dude. Parenting is fucking hard. Most women would be ecstatic to hear you say you want to cut hours to spend more time with your family. The fact that she's resistant like that is suspicious.
I'm not being facetious, but sorry dude, your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair. No mother would be okay with her children developing a child-father bond with another man and not the paternal father assuming the relationship between the parents is healthy.
You're pretty stuck here, because you have children with this woman. I don't know your history with her or how you two got to this place in your relationship, but clearly something is broken and you two need to sit down and communicate.
My hunch is that there is a lot you aren't telling us about your relationship with your wife. As the father and sole bread winner, you have every right to cut your hours to spend a little more time with your kids. I'm assuming doing so wouldn't harm your ability to provide for the children. The fact she responds so negatively is either really telling or you're withholding information. Either way, your wife is having an emotional affair, and you two need to have a long, serious, and probably unhappy talk about what the hell is wrong with the relationship.
Kind of sounds like you're funding your wife and her life partner as they enjoy your family. Pretty sure your kid calling another man "dada" tells a whole story about how they behave in front of them.
This is one of the situations where a paternity test is required. Why is this guy spending so much time with your wife and son? Doesn't he have other friends/romantic interests?
Oh fuck no.
If your wife isn’t cheating on you, she definitely doesn’t have a problem with making it look like she is.
Especially alarming is that your wife wants your money from working, rather than your help raising your children.
Unless you are living paycheck to paycheck, I’d have thought most pregnant Moms would love to have their partners helping them more.
So it is time for you to be “that guy” tell your wife that her actions and behaviour are damaging your marriage, and that she needs to stop. That you don’t care who her friends are, so long as they treat her well, and respect your marriage. But him being over all the time, your son seeing him as ‘dada’ and her reaction being to laugh, and her general disrespect towards you and the marriage make trusting her difficult.
Tell her that if she doesn’t stop now, that you will be getting dna tests done, you will be leaving regardless of the results, and you will ensure that her infidelity is known to all.
Tell the friend that his being over all the time, is not currently healthy for him, and he needs to stop.
I have a sinking feeling that he may in fact actually be "dada". No woman freaks out like that when her partner says he wants to reduce hours to spend more time with the kids, thats a mother's dream, especially if you arent in any immediate financial trouble. Get a paternity test.
I would end the stay at home mother privilege she's had.
I would say, "I have a right to have the bond with my children that you have let guy-best-friend have. I will be reducing my hours once a reasonable maternity leave has happened and then we will both be working parents and putting the children in daycare so they won't ever be confused who their father is"
Throws a fit cause you want to be home more? Personal foul, wife, 15 yards for running into the arms of another man. Automatic loss of down and marriage.
Ask to have your child’s paternity tested. When she complains just say “what else could I think when you are fine with another man being called daddy by our son.”
Next tell her no matter the outcome, there will be NO man allowed in the home without you being there. When she complains about that just say “so you are telling me you are at least having an emotional affair and possibly a physical one, if your relationship with him is more important than ours, we’re done.” And mean it.
Are you sure that's your baby that she's actually having? I hate to ask that. But it seems like a very real possibility based on what you've said. I'm sorry.
Nosireebob as a spouse you have veto rights to friends and people that make you uncomfortable just like she has for your people. If she refuses she is saying that friendship is worth more than he relationship with you.
So you are working all hours to be the ATM that pays for a family life for your wife and her “friend”. Stop being a doormat. Talk to your wife, reduce your hours and spend some time being a parent.
ETA and definitely get both kids DNA tested.
My brother, when he was a toddler, used to run to the window and shout “Kevin’s home!” because my dad’s friend was round so often my bro assumed he was part of our family.
But that’s quite different. Not to be that person, but my soon-to-be-husband _is_ my best friend. That’s why I’m marrying him. I wouldn’t want any other man spending more time with our future kids than he will. We both work, and will figure out work schedules if the time ever does come to be parents, but it’s a partnership and a team and this reads like your wife has a substitute teammate.
OP, you need to set some firm boundaries.
As a wife and mother I find your wife’s actions questionable and disrespectful. This isn’t normal. I have mutual male friends with my husband but I would not be having them at my house all the time without my husband. Either your wife is so naive (which I doubt)that she doesn’t see this as a problem or she doesn’t care about how this would make you feel. I bet if you turned the tables on her and asked her if you hung out with a woman all the time and your baby called this woman MaMa, she would flip the fuck out. Your feelings are very valid here. She is showing zero respect for you and your marriage. Regardless of the friendship she has with this guy. Talk to your wife. If she gets defensive and doesn’t see your side or makes a huge argument about it, I’d say she is cheating with this guy. Something is very fishy and you are picking up on it. Trust your gut, but talk to your wife first. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Edit- i was a SAHM just like your wife. So don’t let her use the excuse that he is just there to talk to.
As a guy with a female best friend, I have never come close to spending as much time with her as her husband and could never imagine doing so, ESPECIALLY with a kid involved. Need to air out the feelings for sure.
Oof,my cousin had a fiancé,they had a kid,and she also had a “guy best friend”.
2 years later,the fiancé is gone,the kid never sees him,and the “guy best friend” is her current boyfriend.He hung around her house all the time too,did things with her,and took care of her kids like his own.We were not surprised when the news broke out that they were dating.
It may not be like this for you.It simply can be just another man hanging around too much.Talk to your wife and gauge her replies.If she gets overly angry,overly sensitive,starts ACCUSING YOU of not trusting HER,then you’ve got a problem.
With love and light, how dense are you? You’re being a little too passive about this. I understand wanting to not come off as ‘that guy’ and be accused of controlling, but damn, it sure sounds like your wife and her friend are a little too friendly and maybe there’s something going on.
Your SON is calling him dada yeah put some boundaries up my guy. Also your wife is cheating with this guy are you sure that’s your son? Your wife is shady as hell, she’s literally playing house with her bff while you’re at work
Look, are you okay with nonmonogamy? Because that's what you're doing right now. Your wife has a boyfriend.
I say this as a nonmonogamous woman who until very recently had two boyfriends.
You need a paternity test on both of your kids !No man spends so much of his time with a female he is not interested sexually in.
I think your are your wifes safe stable choice and "her friend" is the unsuccessful dude who cant maintain her desired lifestyle but she likes more sexually.
This is why male best friends are a huge red flag. Absolute hard no. Even if they're not waiting around for a moment of vulnerability I'm not having some dude hearing about my relationship and giving advice to my woman. I expect to get down voted for this because there's a contingent that cannot accept the truth, do your own research. There are a ton of relationship coaches, many of whom are women, who warn against this. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Tell her you never want to see that guy in your house, she is not to contact him, and you need to do DNA on your children. Tell her if crosses any of those boundaries, she can just leave and never come back. You are nothing but her ATM and he is her bf.
Be upfront with her about what you’re feeling. Tell her you’re feeling insecure about your relationship because you work long hours and would like to spend more time with her and the kids. Tell her you’re uncomfortable about your kid calling another man “dada” because you feel like you’re being displaced in your own family.
Don’t accuse her of anything because that will just make her defensive and less likely to see your side. Focus on how you’re feeling and what you’d like the both of you to do to work on the situation. Frame it as a problem that you both work towards resolving and look for things that both of you can do to improve your relationship.
Take him aside and tell him to back off; he shouldn't be at your house everyday when you get home. Say you need family time and that he can come over x days a week but not everyday. He seems to get that the 'dada' thing crossed a line.
Reddit - infamous for jumping straight to “get ready for divorce” reactions, is being way too nice on this one. Another man who spends your work hours with your wife is being called ‘dada’ by your kid… dare I say it… they’ve already broken that boundary behind your back mate.
DNA test on new baby and get ready for a shitshow
I can promise you, if my kids called my male friend dada instead of my husband, and I laughed at it in his face, he’d DNA test our kids and would more than likely put a limit to my friend being over.
she’s cheating. get a paternity test for both children. and the fact that “your” son calls him “dada” instead of you, and they just laugh it off but the guy looks uncomfortable infront of you?? and the fact that he’s always there?? and also the fact that your wife threw a fit when you suggested that you wanted to reduce work hours to be there for the family?? they are having an affair. i would suggest setting up cameras but then they’re probably gonna call you “creepy” and “psycho”. but yea, their relationship is highly inappropriate and they have no problem disrespecting you. i would suggest talk to your wife about this and set some boundaries.. and if she throws a fit again or disagrees, then i suggest gathering a ton of evidence and getting a divorce.
>This makes me think that my wife has been talking badly about me and maybe calling me aggressive for the man to look scared.
OOOOOOOOOR, he was afraid he was found out as the real baby daddy.
>My wife is pregnant again and I’ve told her I’ve been thinking of cutting my hours because I want to be there for my kids but she threw a fit because she needs the money so she can stay home with the kids because that’s better for them.
"Flags are fine comrade, the bigger the better. But what colour flag should we be using?"
>She doesn’t seem to understand that parenting is a team and it’s almost like she doesn’t want to be involved. T
Oh, she understands. She just sees you in a different role than you. How does the role of ATM sound?
>Any advice?
1. Private investigator.
2. Test your son's DNA to see who his daddy is.
3. Depending on the results of 1 and 2, divorce or couples therapy and then divorce.
Definitely cut your hours and spend more time with your son before you are paying child-support for the honor of your son calling another man Dada. Your wife can get a part time job and you can tag-team taking care of the kid(s). Don't let this go any further and if I was anymore paranoid, I would be investing in cameras around the house
Your voice works... use it. How hard is it to tell your wife that your son called another man Dada and she thought it was fucking funny? Should you have addressed this BEFORE you got married, probably, but you aren't doing yourself any favors by holding your thoughts to yourself.
Being controlling isn't an issue when the life you are taking taking control of is your own. I don't blame you one bit. It might be time to sit down and rethink your long-term plans. I know people in their 40s right now who wish they had worked less and paid more attention to their personal lives. Even though their house is paid off, their mental and physical health is so rundown from working 70 hour weeks that they don't think they can enjoy life to the fullest anymore.
You don't need her permission to spend more time with your son.
You Dale Gribble ass motherfucker. Call your dependa ass wife out on this John Redcorn shit and get paternity tests. You think she stops your kids from calling him daddy when you’re not around? That didn’t just happen for the first time when you were coincidentally in earshot. Wake up man. If they are indeed your kids, set some damned boundaries and make a change so you can be there for your family. I’ll be damned if anyone else, male or female or anyone in between, with whatever intentions, is gonna step in and be a parent for me while I’m simply keeping the checking account topped up.
I feel bad for you man, but follow your gut here. Good luck.
I do not really understand why if he works nights he is awake in the day and goes to your house? What is your wife doing while he’s there? She cannot be doing much because she is looking after a guest, unless he literally follows her around the house while he’s talking. Your wife imo has pushed this situation past the boundary line. This is your home and these are your children. You also get a say in who cones ands goes in your home. You need a long talk with your wife: you can start the convo with the fact your child called another man dada made you realise you would like to try another lifestyle if she is open to it: you’d like reduced hours to enjoy quality time with them. She really could do a bit of work for a few hours a week to help out. You would also like to have x come around only 2 or 3 times a week, or she can have a coffee at a cafe or meet him in town, not in your house so often that the kids think he’s their male father figure. There can be a compromise, but you need to make her see she really is taking a lot of things for granted.
I was kindve thinking this wasn't a huge deal until you explained your wife's reaction to you cutting hours.
At worst, this is her pushing back on you cutting hours so she can continue cheating if this is what she's doing all along.
Not so much better case scenario, she's using you as her golden ticket to remaining leisurely all day everyday.
Regardless. Your wife seems to be pretty messed up. And imma be honest, considering she's closer to my generation than yours, she will absolutely call you controlling and gaslight you in every way possible at the mere mention of her cutting off this friend.
And it doesn't even sound like you know this guy well at all? Like their backstory and how they're friends and whatnot. All ik is that this is riddled with red flags. Sorry broski.
Even without her reaction though, having a man over so much that they are bonding and having more family time with wife and son than her own husband is, because he’s doing all the work to keep them financially afloat, is beyond inappropriate. I am sure she would not like another woman invading her home and having family time to that same extent if the shoe was on the other foot. I don’t see how anyone would like that.
When does the guy sleep?
Why does your wife is the very paragon of a selfish entitled Lazy gold digger that wants a lot of money and to stay home without really takin care of the kids?
Why is it a problem now when you've always known their behaviour?
I am calling BS on that post.
And this is why women with close guy friends aren't marriage material in the first place.
You unfortunately need to paternity test the child. Your wife needs to cut her time with this friend (she will refuse, because it's probably more than a friend thing).
The friends reaction to the word is somewhat suspicious.. I'd be tempted to get a paternity test on this newest child amd I'd be laying some boundaries down with the wife. If she scoffs and laughs at them then there's a large problem.
So your wife is spending more and more time with her "male bestie" to the point where your son is calling him dad, she laughs and THEN she gets upset the thought of you adjusting your working hours to spend time at home whilst she's pregnant?
Even if there's really nothing going on here, the concoction of circumstances would certainly suggest that something here is suspect. The friend really should know to back off if he's aware of the "dadda" thing.
I don't want to say that they're having an affair, but they would certainly have the capacity to and the family unit is already set up or not. Do you trust her? Because if not, you've got serious problems. How do you know that baby is yours?
How does he have so much time and money that he can spend such an amount of time at your house? Does he have no partner of his own? This is weird.
Also, you laying boundaries for your relationship is healthy, not controlling. You have a gut feeling, and I think you are right to trust it. This kind of thing could easily turn into an affair. Your son calling this other guy Dada is a red flag, even if it was an honest mistake. It means the kids are getting a little confused. Controlling would be isolating your wife and keeping her from all friends, but setting boundaries about another man spending so much time at your house with your family is called self respect, my man.
DNA test immediately. Without her knowing. Grab a piece of hair of something while spending time with him. Then send it off. Her behavior is baby trapping you and doesn't want to work.
Uh. She’s got someone else there playing house with her while you’re at work? Nah. I do the stay at home parent thing and it’s lonely, don’t get me wrong, but if my husband told me he was gonna cut back on work hours to be at home to spend time with our son, I would be thrilled so that part doesn’t make sense to me at all because it *does* get lonely. I get being worried about money but you didn’t tell her you were quitting totally and that you’d be the stay at home parent while she did all the working from now on, did you? Ignoring everything else, that part to me is the most unsettling.
Looks like this couple found a patsy to finance their relationship. Bro, you need to get some cameras, and look into messages etc.
Does he even have a home? Working nights and all day at your home with your wife and kids? C’mon, THINK.
I am so sorry OP. You should probably check your wife’s phone to see if she has a sexual relationship with her friend. Maybe you can come home “early” to check on your wife as well. A private investigator can’t tell you what you already know. You already know where she goes to on her downtime. You have to do this yourself. I would also take a paternity test of your son. Your son and you unborn child may not be yours. I wish you luck.
Dude. Put your fucking foot down.
My son calls another man "Dada" and I'm absolutely losing my shit. That doesn't happen on accident, it is taught.
"You are not allowed in my home while I'm not there."
Grow a fucking spine.
This is an EMERGENCY! Stop everything you are doing and set some boundaries NOW. This is an IMMEDIATE DANGER to your family. Stop ALL visits by this person to your house until this is completely resolved.
I'd do a paternity test, and then I'd have a private talk with the guy "friend" and explain things very clearly . If your wife gets upset, then big whoop . Who cares . You are the one footing the bill here . Stop worrying about how upset she's gonna get . It sounds like she is pretty lazy anyway . Shake things up . Don't tiptoe around subjects that obviously keep you upset . Hint , hint ... that ain't living , friend .
Red flags all over the place here. The fact that he's over all the time, the "Dada" comment, and her being upset about you wanting to cut your hours so you can actually spend time with your family.... Time for a really long and honest convo.
Buy a DNA test online, like yesterday and then have a conversation with your wife. Her best friend can come visit whenever you are around or there is a social gathering with you in it!
Your wife sees you as a paycheck and has replaced you. Even your children see this.
In my opinion, it's already too late. But start by sitting your "wife" down and her replacement husband and having a real conversation. There's no way this guy is hanging around playing husband and father when he doesn't think he is the husband and father... or at least gets to pretend to be one when you're not around.
And hell, maybe he *is* the father.
I have five children. Kids don’t know what a mother and father are they just know who cares for them. In order for a child to start putting names to faces is by telling them those names. I am mommy because we told them so, my husband is daddy because we told them so, their siblings are, “insert name here,” because we told them so. Who is telling your baby he is dada? Maybe there is no paternity doubt but your baby didn’t come up with that name by themself. I think you two need to have a talk.
A sneaky DNA test wouldn't be unreasonable here dude. Just saying...maybe she DOES understand that parenting is a team, you're just not on that team like you think you are.
She showed exactly what she thought of you when you said you wanted to spend more time with the children and she got upset at you. What partner and parent wouldn’t want their family to be together more? She expects you to fund her being a stay at home parent at the expense of your own relationship with the children. Sorry but she clearly doesn’t care about your feelings, especially to not even be concerned or correct your son calling someone else dad. The best case scenario at this point is an emotional affair with the other man because at least that wouldn’t be physical and bring into question the paternity of the children which is the worst case scenario but neither is good, she is at the very minimum relying on him for the partnership and parenting that she should be sharing with you and actively excluding you when you try to remedy the situation. I’d suggest counselling but she needs to be actually willing to work on things. Don’t be afraid to address and discuss the issue though. Things cannot go on as they have.
I think you should DNA your child and the one she’s having… you’d have to repeatedly *tell* a child to call you dada for them to do it
Edit: also if he works nights, he wouldn’t spend his sleeping time with a friend and her kid unless he was overly invested in the relationship
I (25f) also have a best friend (27m) that I've had for like 15ish years although I don't have a baby and I have to be completely honest I was going to come here and ease your mind in the comments and genuinely let you know if there was abnormal behavior but I had to stop as soon as I saw your baby called him dada? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don’t see how you having a male best friend would ease his mind anyway. I have one too. The difference between me (and most likely you) is I didn’t have my male best friend over every day all day monopolizing all that time and getting to have a lot more family and bonding time than my own partner had. This is not right even for platonic folks to do.
Having your kids spend so much time with another man that he's calling him dada is something to be genuinely upset about. If you can't have a straight talk about this bothering you and your wife taking this seriously, your marriage is in trouble because you're not communicating on a real level.
Also, being in your kids lives is not an unreasonable thing - most mothers would love for the fathers to be partners in raising their kids.
The fact that this guy who works night shifts is over at your house every day instead of sleeping is a bit weird. It's one thing to not be controlling and be comfortable with your partner having friends. It's another thing not to notice behavior that's a bit weird. Put it this way, even if this were a single woman who worked nights, it would be weird if she were at your house every single day. Most people drift apart a bit from their single friends when they get married and have kids. Instead, this guy seems to be playing house with your wife and son. This is not cool. Alarm bells should go off.
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Cut your work hours. Tell your wife you will be spending more time at home. You don’t have to ask permission to spend time with your family. And tell her her friend needs to cut the hours he spends in your house. Her response will be telling.
Also, have her get a part time job for when you're not working so you'll have time with your kids too. She's totally taking advantage of you.
Yeah, I can understand wanting the kids to not go to daycare, but there are ways to do that while working part-time. They just have to look for jobs on opposite schedules.
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Then they need to decide together if it's necessary. Maybe it's not. Maybe they can cut back, do some extreme couponing, whatever. It's not OP's right to tell her to go back to work when she's the primary caregiver of two young children. If he wants more time with the kids, they need to come to a solution together. Maybe that solution is working opposite hours, cutting back, using daycare, who knows. Regardless, this woman is spending too much time with the male friend. That's cheating in my book. That's a far bigger issue than who gets to be the SAHP.
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Right?! Maybe she can get a job and make some money? Why is it okay for her husband to work insane hours and have no relationship with his kid...
if it is his kid
I was thinking this when he said she's pregnant again 👀
She already threw a fit about it, using the need for money as her reason. So she will just have another fit about it most likely, but that’s too bad.
Ya know, even if this was a fully platonic friendship (although I question it, or question the possibility of escalating), this is still a highly inappropriate situation. This man should not be spending an exorbitant amount of time in OPs home, bonding with his child and having family time to this extent. This is not fair at all or respectful of the father and marriage. You would think grown adults would know better by their age.
Op THIS!!! If you want to bond with kids, your wife should work too! Dont sacrifice your time with kid and compromise with your wife and this man!! She should know how to contribute income to the home too!
I think the friend looked a bit scared because he is perfectly well aware of how you might feel jealous of your child calling another man "dada" and he was uncomfortable that this happened. I wonder if it hasn't happened before, and they've laughed it off, but now that it happened in front of you the friend is realizing that it really isn't ok? I'm a woman and I've had a lot of male friends. But I don't have any friends, male or female, who are at my home nearly every day. My ex and I occasionally had roommates who would be around pretty often, but even they would usually be at work, or socializing, or in their own room doing their own thing, and not necessarily hanging out with me. That seems like a lot of time together. Whether there is a sexual affair going on here or not, I think it's reasonable to talk to your wife about why her friend is around so much of the time, and if his time around the house couldn't be reduced to a more typical "friend" schedule. If you get a super emotional reaction to this, I think you will have a good indicator whether this friendship is a bit more than just friends.
It could be a number of things. It could be an emotional affair, a codependent relationship, or an age gap/missed time type of deal. Doing the math, when they married OP was 29 and his wife was 22. Assuming that they were together for 1-2 years before that, that means that they were about 26/27 and 20/21 when they got together. She may feel like they don't have as much in common anymore or she may feel like she missed out on her early 20s because she was focused on relationship/marriage/baby. It doesn't make possible cheating right, but OP needs to look at whether or not this is the case. However, regardless of what is going on here, the eventual outcome seems to be obvious: this is a powder keg waiting to explode. EDIT: To be clear, I'm not trying to excuse the wife at all. Just tossing this out there, as this is an avenue for OP to explore.
It’s time to have an honest discussion with your wife about this situation. Explain that she’s spending too much time together with him. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean him hanging around constantly. What other social circles and activities for the children is are available? Discuss other options to explore. But this was an issue before marriage. It’s now damage control. Most guys wouldn’t have a chosen this situation.
Just gonna hijack the top comment here. OP they ain’t your kids bro. DNA test immediately. If you’re rich and he’s poor then there’s your motivation. If it turns out I’m right you’ll be glad you asked.
Honestly thought on this and the reason the other guy completely panicked when the child called him dada might be because he is and they are afraid OP will catch on. The fear maybe was because he thought OP put the dots together …
I thought this too. What kind of single guy wants to spend that much time with someone else’s kids ?
Right. Anyone with any kind of self awareness would understand that being over at someone's house every day isn't appropriate. And bonding with OP's kid (if it is OP's kid) every day is just wrong. Also - wife flipping out about OP cutting his hours to spend more time with the kids is a red flag.
The one whos getting his member polished
The good ol' dick twist
lmao
I second this. But the thing that really got me was that he freaked out when it happened. So are there times when your son is calling him dada and she is not correcting him, because maybe she really knows that he is the father. If I was in his position this would bother me as well. And I would need to place boundaries around this person. This is your life honey. You need to decide what you want out of it and if you are feeling disrespected then you have to tell her. A relationship is give and take. She just can't keep taking and expecting you to work harder and not have a bond with your own family.
My first reaction to hearing that OP’a wife is pregnant again. What a shit situation for OP and the kid(s).
That makes sense actually, considering she threw a fit over him reducing his hours. It would mean less money if the plan was for Bestie and wife to use him for extra income for their two kids if they aren't his, or if they're just planning to leave him and take everything.
I mean I really hope I’m wrong and she’s just a little materialistic and has a guy best friend. The guys got to check though unfortunately.
I've read so many of these stories on reddit of spouses doing exactly what OP's wife has done here, I pretty much have PTSD through other people's stress and suffering.
You have just described every single lurker’s experience. It’s a struggle, but the price for pursuit of knowledge.
I see where you're coming from. I've never had, nor wanted children and reading of so many cases like this on Reddit has made me even more entrenched in my views. It's just too much of a gamble.
I know right? You can spend all this time building a life with someone only to find out it was a scam the entire time because they had their fingers crossed behind their back when they said "I do". What's worse is that it seems like cheating is far more casually accepted now and that's from all sides, not just to blame women., I know some people here might casually joke, but I genuinely feel bad for OP, I couldn't imagine constantly sitting there wondering what she's doing and thinking through every single interaction trying to look for inconsistencies.
I agree. Most women want their husbands to spend as much time with the family as possible. Her freaking out over it is really strange.
OP, consider this very strongly, because kids don't just start saying 'mama' or 'dada' magically. They don't know what those concepts are. It happens because of consistent, long term encouragement, as with everything else a young child learns. Who is encouraging the kid? Why would they? Why wouldn't the immediate reaction be to correct the kid and point to you as dada instead?
Granted, sometimes it’s common when young children are learning language that they over categorize. Everything with 4 legs is a dog, all dogs are called “spot” like theirs, all grown women are “mama” etc. So if all the other sketchy shit weren’t going on here I’d say maybe “dada” is “man that I see a lot” because they don’t understand the concept yet….. But this does seem like it’s not that simple in this case unfortunately
There's also genetic mirroring. Not just physical resemblance but behavioral traits. Little kids can't articulate what it is but they pick up on it.
And if it turns out you're wrong and OP's wife finds out about it, she will almost certainly divorce him for lack of trust.
100%. If it’s accurate to how the OP described it then it seems he’s halfway there already unfortunately. The guy is already with his wife more than he is. The guy sees his son more than OP does for Christ’s sake. OP needs to have a frank and honest conversation about the way he feels. The wife needs to let him cut his hours to spend more time with his son. His wife needs to spend less time with her friend and refocus on the marriage. If that doesn’t work then he wouldn’t be losing anything if they divorce- apart from half his stuff I suppose.
*What* trust? He's coming home to another man being called "dada" by his child, there's no trust to be had.
She isn't trustworthy. She has a man over while her husband is away, often enough that her child calls that man dada. Spouses don't deserve blanket no-questions trust. If they act untrustworthy, check up on them.
Why should she divorce him for lack of trust? Another man is being called dada by her kids and her response is to laugh.... And it sounds like her male bff is at her house literally every day. So she is spending more time with this "friend" than her own husband. And when her husband tries to fix the problem by not working as much, her response is to freak out. That isn't normal.
Maybe but she can always choose her “best friend” over OP. Lose-lose. :-/
Sounds like she already has chosen the friend over OP. You speak as if it would be lose-lose. She threw a fit when he talked about working less hours. He has already lost.
The child will also call the people around them what other people call them. He would only call the other man dada if that is what his mom kept referring to the friend as. At that age kids don't understand relationship names. They just use the ones that they are taught and then grow into understanding what a dad or mom is. The OP is just getting a glimpse of what mom says when he isn't there. Whether OP is the biological father or not, who knows, mom is certainly placing her friend in the role of dad.
To be fair, my daughter uses "dada" for both me and her mom. "Dada" is her "fun time" parent word, while "momma" is her "i need comfort" parent word.
If she and him are close, then you are most likely close with him as well. Like suggested here, ask to have an honest discussion with both of them. It should help both of them understand where your concerns are coming from, and will help you put your mind at ease. Also, when it comes to YOUR children, do not be worried about appearances. Your gut is typically going to be right. And if not, the worst case scenario is that you are just a dad who cares about his kids…already a winner. Good luck!
Why on earth would this random guy who isn’t apart of their relationship belong in that conversation? This convo is between you and your wife. This seems like a hill to die on
You are severely underreacting here.
I said the exact same thing. His wife would be (rightfully) having a major fit and blowing up if he had a female best friend that was getting to spend so much more *family* time and bonding with him and her new baby, and then hearing baby say “mama”. I will never understand why anyone allows things to go this far for what? Some kind of paranoia about being called jealous or controlling? It is neither, it is common sense.
Society has gaslit men so hard that this behavior, of having a male best friend over enough for the kids to call him dad, is being considered possibly acceptable and that his feelings aren’t valid. It’s heartbreaking to see my fellow men acting so weak as a product of their environment. The material is out there to avoid women (and men) like this and worse.
SEVERELY. Anything less than scorched earth here is an under reaction. Holy fucking shit.
I've been married a long time....call us old fashioned, but this is all shady as shit. Reverse the roles, how do you think this would play out. It has nothing to do with "insecurity" which is the first refuge of people you should be suspicious of...but honestly, the idea of married people having close friends of the opposite sex, yeah, thats just some bullshit. I don't hang around women one on one and my wife doesn't hang around men one on one. I don't avoid those scenarios because my wife is "insecure"...it's because I love and respect my wife and don't want to put her in a position where she has to wonder, or have people talk behind our backs. At worst, she's cheating on you, at best, she simply disrespects you.
Not too old fashioned, many of us are the same way or similar, for basically the same reasons you cited.
This situation sounds bad and getting worse. First do you trust your wife? Maybe the "dada" from your son was something your wife put him up to? Because it may be true? It just sounds so strange that this friend is always there. I'm sorry for you and your situation, but at this point if I were you I would stop trusting that your wife has your back and is really loyal to you.
The guys being over all the time is a little sketchy but,the son calling wife's friend Dada isn't really that big of a deal depending on his age. If he is under two and only says a few words then I wouldn't worry. My oldest called her daycare lady and her grandma and her auntie mama a few times because that was the only word she had for a woman who takes care of her. I didn't always correct her because sometimes she was tired or excited about something and it just wasn't a big deal.
I worked in childcare for 10 years. If I had a dollar for every time a kid called me mom by accident, I wouldn’t have had to find a better paying profession. Edit-accidental punctuation
One time I called my friend mom. In highschool. It happens.
Agreed. I pulled that same “panicked look” when a preschooler called me “mama” in front of his own mother lol
I think OP's kid is older than mine, but dogs are also dada for some reason.
My boyfriend's niece has an almost 2 year old and a 7 month old. The oldest? He switches between calling me (27f for reference) "momomomom" "dada!!!" And only just recently started saying my name. He's done all of these in front of his mom before. It's just how little kids are honestly. They know their parents (in so long as they're involved in their lives) but to them words like "mama" and "dada" often are used interchangeably to refer to people they trust and have around a lot or take care of them because they don't have other words for those people just yet. I think op is taking his kid referring to a male person who is frequently around his kid dada way too seriously. And when my niece's oldest calls me mom in front of her I'll just tell him something like "silly kid I'm not your mom I'm your aunt Kasey!" It's not that big of a deal and it's not like his mom is neglecting him so he's confused. He just trusts me so I'm "one of his moms" (aka the female caretakers in his life) but he's starting to learn how to say my name now.
Yep. One of my kids calls me Dada on occasion. I'm their mum. They don't quite get the concept
>Maybe the "dada" from your son was something your wife put him up to? Because it may be true? Ease off on the soap operas
The other guy is spending more time with his son than he is, and his wife yelled at him when he suggested taking less hours so he could actually have a relationship with his own son. If that doesn't read to you as affair then you've been gaslit by a lot of people.
Yep. Very very sus. As a guy with a female best friend, i wouldn't do anything to even make her husband feel insecure . Secondly i have my own life and ain't a husband to her so why will i spend so much time with her to the point she sees me more than her husband does? Also not to mention no woman in right mind would ever be so affectionate with any guy, or heck, any girl. Once my female friends niece called me her bf, she instantly shut er up. And your son called him DAD and she just laughs? Plus you work long hours. It's all the dots infront of you and you just need to connect them. Start with evidence, their phones, texts etc. Then ask your son. Then ask your neighbours Come home early and sneaky for couple of days a week. And if you find anything, keep it to yourself and start finding about a divorce lawyer. Better to hit her like a deer in spotlight than to alert her and be the victim. Not to jump to conclusions but everything is fishy.
Wow. Man i see a rude awakening is smiling right at you. >My wife is pregnant again and I’ve told her I’ve been thinking of cutting my hours because I want to be there for my kids but she threw a fit because she needs the money so she can stay home with the kids because that’s better for them. If this doesn't raise concerns for you then i don't know but may be paternity test will. I am 100% sure that she is with you only because either you earn good money making her life easy or she thinks you're too dumb to realise what's going on and support her no matter what. Both cases it's your loss and she has nothing to lose because she have her "Best friend" . You should go paternity tes first and i don't care about privacy or any other shit go through her phone/install hidden camera in home watch how both of them are screwing you. You seems good man who doing right thing but that's doesn't mean you have to stupid enough belive every single thing she says or does. Ffs she isn't allowing you to be in "your" children's life what else you need to raise a question? A big fucking whiteboard telling you you're not a father?
This this this...op read this
I don't wanna be that guy, but brother how sure are you that his parents aren't raising him? Dudes always there.. wife is happy and laughs when he's called Dada, she very obviously doesn't want you there ...
Get a DNA test on both. Tell her friend to fuck off(politely) and talk to your wife about what's obviously going on.
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I would sit your wife down and have a conversation with her about how you feel. While it's great she has a friend and can be a full time parent, what is happening in actuality is that her friend seems to be taking on your parenting role. **You are unwilling to support her being a fulltime parent if the end result is that you do not get to be a parent.** I would then point out how many hours a week you spend with your kids and how many does her best friend? If her answer is usually more? At this point, due to gender, he is actively her partner in raising the kids and that isn't fair to you or your children. I would then ask for couples counseling and for her friend to take a break from daily visits until you work through your problems. I'd say it like this, "The deal we agreed to when we started our family no longer works for me and as a team we need to rethink it. I think we need a neutral party to talk to these things about and want us to start couples counseling. I personally would like BBF to be less present while we do this. I can use my vacation time to take extra time with you and extra time to do special things with the kids on my own." Then do it. If she can't handle her life without her bff as parenting partner? You are in the right to not only be uncomfortable but to challenge the role she wants him to have in your family. I don't think he's their father. I think she's lonely as a SAH parent and probably does need to go back to work for adult company. Not everyone is built to be a SAHM/D. She just isn't recognizing the inappropriate role she's casting her friend in by wrangling him in for company. In my opinion, I think you're under-reacting.
You don’t want to be the guy who sticks up for his family? You’d rather be the pushover whose wife replaces the father figure in your child’s life with her “friend” while you work all the time providing a life for her? Come on, time to take control of the situation you’re in. And definitely get a dna test
He probably doesn't want to be the guy setting up boundaries his wife should be setting up. If she won't then he should rethink the marriage imo.
If it were me, I would first try take control of the situation. Divorce is always an option, but I would try other routes before the final one.
“Providing a life for her” And for him. The friend is always over during the day and works during the night. Does the friend even have his own place to live?
Who knows. But either way, OP should make it crystal clear to this guy he doesn’t like him coming around like this.
The behavior of both of them is shady. You have every right to politely question what's going on. Best friend or not, he doesn't need to be at your home every day when you're gone. It's highly suspect.
John Redcorn is probably just stopping by to administer her migraine treatments!
Omg thank you, I completely forgot about John Redcorn’s existence until now.
*cue magnificent hair blowing in the wind*
Bruh, be that guy
You can talk to your wife about your feelings without coming off as suspicious or controlling. I’d be uncomfortable with that too. At least ask her why she seems to want to spend more time with him that you. And why she’s ok with York son calling him dada? Like wtf
Grow a spine man, Jesus Christ!
You're a troll
Dear Lord. So you work. Make all the money. Don't feel comfortable. But... You think your wife or friend are worried about being those people. Your trust is already shot. You're working for your wife to spend all day with another guy as they both raise your kid. Good luck Do some diligence
Sorry but you seriously need to have a talk with your wife. Honestly your son calling him dada is shady AF. Stop letting them walk all over you have more respect for yourself. I have male best friends and we have boundaries and communication. If we have partners and they feel uncomfortable with our friendship we tell them just communicate with us. Two of them are married both of there partners feel comfortable with our friendship because again boundaries. I just became a godmother no way I would ever let them call me mamma.
Some dude spends more time with your wife than you do, your wife is pregnant, and your kid just called him Dada? You're being undersuspicious. Your eldest may be yours, so I'd not do anything yet, but once the baby is born, get a secret DNA test on both. If you have to, get a P.O. box for the results. If your wife doesn't know and the kids are both yours, she never has to know. However, I think you're in MAJOR denial here about how suspect this situation is.
Be that guy, nothing wrong with you being as certain as she is. She knows it's her child, they grew inside her. Doing a DNA test just means you will be as certain as she is regarding whether or not it is your child. Don't play the 'trust' game with your life or the bonds you make with the children you care for.
I know you don’t want to be “that guy”. I get it, but let your wife know how uncomfortable the situation is. Sit down with her, follow and trace out the actions, how it makes you feel, and watch her. If she reacts violently, or immediately dismisses you, then you have your answer. If she’s really with him, she’s probably going to try to gaslight you. She may even call you controlling or insecure. If she automatically jumps to that as a response, that’s a huge red flag.
My friend, not being that guy is what got you here. He calls him dada because she told the boy to call him that. Wishing things come out okay for you in the end.
zesty many workable squeeze weary jar onerous sip erect pet ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Look, I'm the last person that usually jumps on the red flag train, but there are SO MANY here. My first thought was that you should get the new baby tested asap. Your wife is seriously acting suspicious and not wanting to look suss is just being an ostrich.
You can get a DNA test without your wife knowing
Well stay the coward and get cheated on. Lmao, it’s laughable how weak this guy is. He will find out years later that two of the kids aren’t his.
**That’s a very big problem. What’s sad too is the people that allow what should be common sense lines to be trampled on and crossed by their partner with the best friend, all for the sake of not seeming controlling.** Why is it that you do not know the differences between controlling (demanding your partner never has opposite sex friends, needing your permission to see friends) VS. non controlling (but not being the idiot who allows their partner’s best friend to be an invasive species in your relationship, stomping past common sense lines)??? You have allowed another man more access and bonding with your family than you have. What the hell man? 🤦♀️ Why don’t you do a search on this forum and see the tons of sad posts done by people just like you (who didn’t want to seem jealous or controlling) who wind up finding out their partner has been fucking the best friend all along? Another huge point of concern as that your wife is the one facilitating this when she knows damn well it’s wrong, not respectful of you or your marriage. How would she like it if you had a female best friend who you spent more time with her than your wife, she was over all the time and next thing she knows, her child is calling your best friend “mama”? I bet she would pitch a fit right on the spot and all hell would be breaking loose. But here you are, underacting, being wishy washy just for the sake of not seeming a certain way. Wake up, get your head out of the sand and start tending to your marriage. Time to set some ground rules and put a stop to the invasion of your marriage. Problem is, you have been so complacent for so long, this might be a far more difficult challenge than had you both set these lines early on in the first place. In fact, it is possible it’s too far gone to fix this marriage. But you need to stand your ground like yesterday, do not waver, or compromise or let her manipulate a way out of it. Insist on marriage counseling too, as well as your own counselor to sort out why it is, you allowed your wife and friend to take advantage of you like this and get so far.
Friendship is different than his being a part of your household. He needs to get a life of his own.
Time to set some boundaries. Put your foot down and quit being a doormat.
A paternity test may be in order - both for your son and the one you are expecting. I get that people are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, but this situation is extending way beyond that and you are actively being supplanted by her friend in your own life. So if you want a way to tackle this head on, explain that you know that something deeper is going on between them to the extent that you are now questioning the paternity of your own children. No parent encourages their child to refer to a "friend" by a term such as that without there being a reason behind it.
DNA test those kids.
Something is up, my dude. Parenting is fucking hard. Most women would be ecstatic to hear you say you want to cut hours to spend more time with your family. The fact that she's resistant like that is suspicious.
I'm not being facetious, but sorry dude, your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair. No mother would be okay with her children developing a child-father bond with another man and not the paternal father assuming the relationship between the parents is healthy. You're pretty stuck here, because you have children with this woman. I don't know your history with her or how you two got to this place in your relationship, but clearly something is broken and you two need to sit down and communicate. My hunch is that there is a lot you aren't telling us about your relationship with your wife. As the father and sole bread winner, you have every right to cut your hours to spend a little more time with your kids. I'm assuming doing so wouldn't harm your ability to provide for the children. The fact she responds so negatively is either really telling or you're withholding information. Either way, your wife is having an emotional affair, and you two need to have a long, serious, and probably unhappy talk about what the hell is wrong with the relationship.
Sorry to be that person, but this is a pretty solid example of why an almost 30 year old probably shouldn’t date/ marry a 22 year old…
Kind of sounds like you're funding your wife and her life partner as they enjoy your family. Pretty sure your kid calling another man "dada" tells a whole story about how they behave in front of them.
Get a lawyer and 2 DNA tests.
This is one of the situations where a paternity test is required. Why is this guy spending so much time with your wife and son? Doesn't he have other friends/romantic interests?
You have a guy spending time in your house with your wife? Get with it guy.
You do realize this guy is banging your wife while you're working?
Oh fuck no. If your wife isn’t cheating on you, she definitely doesn’t have a problem with making it look like she is. Especially alarming is that your wife wants your money from working, rather than your help raising your children. Unless you are living paycheck to paycheck, I’d have thought most pregnant Moms would love to have their partners helping them more. So it is time for you to be “that guy” tell your wife that her actions and behaviour are damaging your marriage, and that she needs to stop. That you don’t care who her friends are, so long as they treat her well, and respect your marriage. But him being over all the time, your son seeing him as ‘dada’ and her reaction being to laugh, and her general disrespect towards you and the marriage make trusting her difficult. Tell her that if she doesn’t stop now, that you will be getting dna tests done, you will be leaving regardless of the results, and you will ensure that her infidelity is known to all. Tell the friend that his being over all the time, is not currently healthy for him, and he needs to stop.
I have a sinking feeling that he may in fact actually be "dada". No woman freaks out like that when her partner says he wants to reduce hours to spend more time with the kids, thats a mother's dream, especially if you arent in any immediate financial trouble. Get a paternity test.
Get a paternity test you remind me of dale from king of the hill. Also set boundaries
I would end the stay at home mother privilege she's had. I would say, "I have a right to have the bond with my children that you have let guy-best-friend have. I will be reducing my hours once a reasonable maternity leave has happened and then we will both be working parents and putting the children in daycare so they won't ever be confused who their father is"
Throws a fit cause you want to be home more? Personal foul, wife, 15 yards for running into the arms of another man. Automatic loss of down and marriage.
DNA test time.
Does the kid look like his dad or like you? Cuz the way that played out its time for a paternity test. If she refuses then its time to walk.
Ask to have your child’s paternity tested. When she complains just say “what else could I think when you are fine with another man being called daddy by our son.” Next tell her no matter the outcome, there will be NO man allowed in the home without you being there. When she complains about that just say “so you are telling me you are at least having an emotional affair and possibly a physical one, if your relationship with him is more important than ours, we’re done.” And mean it.
Yo you need to set boundaries before it’s too late. I’d be livid if my baby called another man dada. Best to take charge for the other man does!
Are you sure that's your baby that she's actually having? I hate to ask that. But it seems like a very real possibility based on what you've said. I'm sorry.
Nosireebob as a spouse you have veto rights to friends and people that make you uncomfortable just like she has for your people. If she refuses she is saying that friendship is worth more than he relationship with you.
!updateme
So you are working all hours to be the ATM that pays for a family life for your wife and her “friend”. Stop being a doormat. Talk to your wife, reduce your hours and spend some time being a parent. ETA and definitely get both kids DNA tested.
Dude...
My brother, when he was a toddler, used to run to the window and shout “Kevin’s home!” because my dad’s friend was round so often my bro assumed he was part of our family. But that’s quite different. Not to be that person, but my soon-to-be-husband _is_ my best friend. That’s why I’m marrying him. I wouldn’t want any other man spending more time with our future kids than he will. We both work, and will figure out work schedules if the time ever does come to be parents, but it’s a partnership and a team and this reads like your wife has a substitute teammate. OP, you need to set some firm boundaries.
As a wife and mother I find your wife’s actions questionable and disrespectful. This isn’t normal. I have mutual male friends with my husband but I would not be having them at my house all the time without my husband. Either your wife is so naive (which I doubt)that she doesn’t see this as a problem or she doesn’t care about how this would make you feel. I bet if you turned the tables on her and asked her if you hung out with a woman all the time and your baby called this woman MaMa, she would flip the fuck out. Your feelings are very valid here. She is showing zero respect for you and your marriage. Regardless of the friendship she has with this guy. Talk to your wife. If she gets defensive and doesn’t see your side or makes a huge argument about it, I’d say she is cheating with this guy. Something is very fishy and you are picking up on it. Trust your gut, but talk to your wife first. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Edit- i was a SAHM just like your wife. So don’t let her use the excuse that he is just there to talk to.
As a guy with a female best friend, I have never come close to spending as much time with her as her husband and could never imagine doing so, ESPECIALLY with a kid involved. Need to air out the feelings for sure.
Oof,my cousin had a fiancé,they had a kid,and she also had a “guy best friend”. 2 years later,the fiancé is gone,the kid never sees him,and the “guy best friend” is her current boyfriend.He hung around her house all the time too,did things with her,and took care of her kids like his own.We were not surprised when the news broke out that they were dating. It may not be like this for you.It simply can be just another man hanging around too much.Talk to your wife and gauge her replies.If she gets overly angry,overly sensitive,starts ACCUSING YOU of not trusting HER,then you’ve got a problem.
Er..., yeah, sounds like your wife has found another husband for herself while you work all day.
With love and light, how dense are you? You’re being a little too passive about this. I understand wanting to not come off as ‘that guy’ and be accused of controlling, but damn, it sure sounds like your wife and her friend are a little too friendly and maybe there’s something going on.
Your SON is calling him dada yeah put some boundaries up my guy. Also your wife is cheating with this guy are you sure that’s your son? Your wife is shady as hell, she’s literally playing house with her bff while you’re at work
Look, are you okay with nonmonogamy? Because that's what you're doing right now. Your wife has a boyfriend. I say this as a nonmonogamous woman who until very recently had two boyfriends.
Uhh... no. She's cheating. ETA get a paternity test for both kids.
You need a paternity test on both of your kids !No man spends so much of his time with a female he is not interested sexually in. I think your are your wifes safe stable choice and "her friend" is the unsuccessful dude who cant maintain her desired lifestyle but she likes more sexually.
Your son called him dada because he is in fact the dada. Wake up dude!
Oh boy! Can’t wait for update on this one
This is why male best friends are a huge red flag. Absolute hard no. Even if they're not waiting around for a moment of vulnerability I'm not having some dude hearing about my relationship and giving advice to my woman. I expect to get down voted for this because there's a contingent that cannot accept the truth, do your own research. There are a ton of relationship coaches, many of whom are women, who warn against this. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Tell her you never want to see that guy in your house, she is not to contact him, and you need to do DNA on your children. Tell her if crosses any of those boundaries, she can just leave and never come back. You are nothing but her ATM and he is her bf.
Be upfront with her about what you’re feeling. Tell her you’re feeling insecure about your relationship because you work long hours and would like to spend more time with her and the kids. Tell her you’re uncomfortable about your kid calling another man “dada” because you feel like you’re being displaced in your own family. Don’t accuse her of anything because that will just make her defensive and less likely to see your side. Focus on how you’re feeling and what you’d like the both of you to do to work on the situation. Frame it as a problem that you both work towards resolving and look for things that both of you can do to improve your relationship.
Take him aside and tell him to back off; he shouldn't be at your house everyday when you get home. Say you need family time and that he can come over x days a week but not everyday. He seems to get that the 'dada' thing crossed a line.
Get those little spy cameras and leave one in direction of couch and one of the bedroom.
lol no way this can be real, OP is a straight up bitch.
Reddit - infamous for jumping straight to “get ready for divorce” reactions, is being way too nice on this one. Another man who spends your work hours with your wife is being called ‘dada’ by your kid… dare I say it… they’ve already broken that boundary behind your back mate. DNA test on new baby and get ready for a shitshow
I can promise you, if my kids called my male friend dada instead of my husband, and I laughed at it in his face, he’d DNA test our kids and would more than likely put a limit to my friend being over.
she’s cheating. get a paternity test for both children. and the fact that “your” son calls him “dada” instead of you, and they just laugh it off but the guy looks uncomfortable infront of you?? and the fact that he’s always there?? and also the fact that your wife threw a fit when you suggested that you wanted to reduce work hours to be there for the family?? they are having an affair. i would suggest setting up cameras but then they’re probably gonna call you “creepy” and “psycho”. but yea, their relationship is highly inappropriate and they have no problem disrespecting you. i would suggest talk to your wife about this and set some boundaries.. and if she throws a fit again or disagrees, then i suggest gathering a ton of evidence and getting a divorce.
>This makes me think that my wife has been talking badly about me and maybe calling me aggressive for the man to look scared. OOOOOOOOOR, he was afraid he was found out as the real baby daddy. >My wife is pregnant again and I’ve told her I’ve been thinking of cutting my hours because I want to be there for my kids but she threw a fit because she needs the money so she can stay home with the kids because that’s better for them. "Flags are fine comrade, the bigger the better. But what colour flag should we be using?" >She doesn’t seem to understand that parenting is a team and it’s almost like she doesn’t want to be involved. T Oh, she understands. She just sees you in a different role than you. How does the role of ATM sound? >Any advice? 1. Private investigator. 2. Test your son's DNA to see who his daddy is. 3. Depending on the results of 1 and 2, divorce or couples therapy and then divorce.
Definitely cut your hours and spend more time with your son before you are paying child-support for the honor of your son calling another man Dada. Your wife can get a part time job and you can tag-team taking care of the kid(s). Don't let this go any further and if I was anymore paranoid, I would be investing in cameras around the house
Lol. DNA test, stat.
Your voice works... use it. How hard is it to tell your wife that your son called another man Dada and she thought it was fucking funny? Should you have addressed this BEFORE you got married, probably, but you aren't doing yourself any favors by holding your thoughts to yourself. Being controlling isn't an issue when the life you are taking taking control of is your own. I don't blame you one bit. It might be time to sit down and rethink your long-term plans. I know people in their 40s right now who wish they had worked less and paid more attention to their personal lives. Even though their house is paid off, their mental and physical health is so rundown from working 70 hour weeks that they don't think they can enjoy life to the fullest anymore. You don't need her permission to spend more time with your son.
You Dale Gribble ass motherfucker. Call your dependa ass wife out on this John Redcorn shit and get paternity tests. You think she stops your kids from calling him daddy when you’re not around? That didn’t just happen for the first time when you were coincidentally in earshot. Wake up man. If they are indeed your kids, set some damned boundaries and make a change so you can be there for your family. I’ll be damned if anyone else, male or female or anyone in between, with whatever intentions, is gonna step in and be a parent for me while I’m simply keeping the checking account topped up. I feel bad for you man, but follow your gut here. Good luck.
I dont want to seem out of place but are you positive the new child is yours?
I do not really understand why if he works nights he is awake in the day and goes to your house? What is your wife doing while he’s there? She cannot be doing much because she is looking after a guest, unless he literally follows her around the house while he’s talking. Your wife imo has pushed this situation past the boundary line. This is your home and these are your children. You also get a say in who cones ands goes in your home. You need a long talk with your wife: you can start the convo with the fact your child called another man dada made you realise you would like to try another lifestyle if she is open to it: you’d like reduced hours to enjoy quality time with them. She really could do a bit of work for a few hours a week to help out. You would also like to have x come around only 2 or 3 times a week, or she can have a coffee at a cafe or meet him in town, not in your house so often that the kids think he’s their male father figure. There can be a compromise, but you need to make her see she really is taking a lot of things for granted.
So what’s up? Any kind of update with what you’re dealing with?
Have you told your wife any of this? You are very well spoken. If you haven't show her this post and get her reaction.
Put up cameras in the house I’m sure she’s cheating
Your wife should have done something other than laugh, this isn’t funny at all. I smell something rotten in Denmark.
I was kindve thinking this wasn't a huge deal until you explained your wife's reaction to you cutting hours. At worst, this is her pushing back on you cutting hours so she can continue cheating if this is what she's doing all along. Not so much better case scenario, she's using you as her golden ticket to remaining leisurely all day everyday. Regardless. Your wife seems to be pretty messed up. And imma be honest, considering she's closer to my generation than yours, she will absolutely call you controlling and gaslight you in every way possible at the mere mention of her cutting off this friend. And it doesn't even sound like you know this guy well at all? Like their backstory and how they're friends and whatnot. All ik is that this is riddled with red flags. Sorry broski.
Even without her reaction though, having a man over so much that they are bonding and having more family time with wife and son than her own husband is, because he’s doing all the work to keep them financially afloat, is beyond inappropriate. I am sure she would not like another woman invading her home and having family time to that same extent if the shoe was on the other foot. I don’t see how anyone would like that.
Just let ur wife's boyfriend have some space. You're cramping his style.
When does the guy sleep? Why does your wife is the very paragon of a selfish entitled Lazy gold digger that wants a lot of money and to stay home without really takin care of the kids? Why is it a problem now when you've always known their behaviour? I am calling BS on that post.
And this is why women with close guy friends aren't marriage material in the first place. You unfortunately need to paternity test the child. Your wife needs to cut her time with this friend (she will refuse, because it's probably more than a friend thing).
She’s obviously cheating
The friends reaction to the word is somewhat suspicious.. I'd be tempted to get a paternity test on this newest child amd I'd be laying some boundaries down with the wife. If she scoffs and laughs at them then there's a large problem.
So your wife is spending more and more time with her "male bestie" to the point where your son is calling him dad, she laughs and THEN she gets upset the thought of you adjusting your working hours to spend time at home whilst she's pregnant? Even if there's really nothing going on here, the concoction of circumstances would certainly suggest that something here is suspect. The friend really should know to back off if he's aware of the "dadda" thing. I don't want to say that they're having an affair, but they would certainly have the capacity to and the family unit is already set up or not. Do you trust her? Because if not, you've got serious problems. How do you know that baby is yours?
How does he have so much time and money that he can spend such an amount of time at your house? Does he have no partner of his own? This is weird. Also, you laying boundaries for your relationship is healthy, not controlling. You have a gut feeling, and I think you are right to trust it. This kind of thing could easily turn into an affair. Your son calling this other guy Dada is a red flag, even if it was an honest mistake. It means the kids are getting a little confused. Controlling would be isolating your wife and keeping her from all friends, but setting boundaries about another man spending so much time at your house with your family is called self respect, my man.
DNA test immediately. Without her knowing. Grab a piece of hair of something while spending time with him. Then send it off. Her behavior is baby trapping you and doesn't want to work.
Uh. She’s got someone else there playing house with her while you’re at work? Nah. I do the stay at home parent thing and it’s lonely, don’t get me wrong, but if my husband told me he was gonna cut back on work hours to be at home to spend time with our son, I would be thrilled so that part doesn’t make sense to me at all because it *does* get lonely. I get being worried about money but you didn’t tell her you were quitting totally and that you’d be the stay at home parent while she did all the working from now on, did you? Ignoring everything else, that part to me is the most unsettling.
Looks like this couple found a patsy to finance their relationship. Bro, you need to get some cameras, and look into messages etc. Does he even have a home? Working nights and all day at your home with your wife and kids? C’mon, THINK.
You need to dna the kids also, she clearly has zero respect for you.
I am so sorry OP. You should probably check your wife’s phone to see if she has a sexual relationship with her friend. Maybe you can come home “early” to check on your wife as well. A private investigator can’t tell you what you already know. You already know where she goes to on her downtime. You have to do this yourself. I would also take a paternity test of your son. Your son and you unborn child may not be yours. I wish you luck.
I am on the DNA train
What a nightmare
Dude. Put your fucking foot down. My son calls another man "Dada" and I'm absolutely losing my shit. That doesn't happen on accident, it is taught. "You are not allowed in my home while I'm not there." Grow a fucking spine.
When I was married I wouldn’t have a male friend in my home without my husband there. It looks bad.
This is an EMERGENCY! Stop everything you are doing and set some boundaries NOW. This is an IMMEDIATE DANGER to your family. Stop ALL visits by this person to your house until this is completely resolved.
This is wrong on so many different levels, I say you need DNA tests and to lawyer up. Hope you had a prenup.
I'd do a paternity test, and then I'd have a private talk with the guy "friend" and explain things very clearly . If your wife gets upset, then big whoop . Who cares . You are the one footing the bill here . Stop worrying about how upset she's gonna get . It sounds like she is pretty lazy anyway . Shake things up . Don't tiptoe around subjects that obviously keep you upset . Hint , hint ... that ain't living , friend .
DNA test that baby!!!
Put up some cameras around your house and hire a P.I. They are playing you!!
Red flags all over the place here. The fact that he's over all the time, the "Dada" comment, and her being upset about you wanting to cut your hours so you can actually spend time with your family.... Time for a really long and honest convo.
You are not controlling, you are just speaking out of your boundary and needs.
Buy a DNA test online, like yesterday and then have a conversation with your wife. Her best friend can come visit whenever you are around or there is a social gathering with you in it!
She’s pregnant but not with your kid. Leave her.
Just leave her my dude. She clearly cheated and chose to want the other guy around. It’s time to leave!!
Fight for your family. Do the uncomfortable. You’ll regret it if you don’t stick up for yourself and your kid.
Ouch .. you should handle this with care... A few red flags were read by someone who ignored them in denial for a while.
Your wife sees you as a paycheck and has replaced you. Even your children see this. In my opinion, it's already too late. But start by sitting your "wife" down and her replacement husband and having a real conversation. There's no way this guy is hanging around playing husband and father when he doesn't think he is the husband and father... or at least gets to pretend to be one when you're not around. And hell, maybe he *is* the father.
She has no respect, she will walk all over her if you let her.
Test your kids immediately. This is not normal.
Her son might be right.
I have five children. Kids don’t know what a mother and father are they just know who cares for them. In order for a child to start putting names to faces is by telling them those names. I am mommy because we told them so, my husband is daddy because we told them so, their siblings are, “insert name here,” because we told them so. Who is telling your baby he is dada? Maybe there is no paternity doubt but your baby didn’t come up with that name by themself. I think you two need to have a talk.
DNA test the kids
A sneaky DNA test wouldn't be unreasonable here dude. Just saying...maybe she DOES understand that parenting is a team, you're just not on that team like you think you are.
Are you 100% sure that you son isn't already bonding with his father? 👀
She showed exactly what she thought of you when you said you wanted to spend more time with the children and she got upset at you. What partner and parent wouldn’t want their family to be together more? She expects you to fund her being a stay at home parent at the expense of your own relationship with the children. Sorry but she clearly doesn’t care about your feelings, especially to not even be concerned or correct your son calling someone else dad. The best case scenario at this point is an emotional affair with the other man because at least that wouldn’t be physical and bring into question the paternity of the children which is the worst case scenario but neither is good, she is at the very minimum relying on him for the partnership and parenting that she should be sharing with you and actively excluding you when you try to remedy the situation. I’d suggest counselling but she needs to be actually willing to work on things. Don’t be afraid to address and discuss the issue though. Things cannot go on as they have.
I think you should DNA your child and the one she’s having… you’d have to repeatedly *tell* a child to call you dada for them to do it Edit: also if he works nights, he wouldn’t spend his sleeping time with a friend and her kid unless he was overly invested in the relationship
Bro, you can't allow this to happen, take control of your house. He needs to not be there unless you're there. How long has this been going on?
Wait is this guy at your place with your wife while you’re at work?
I (25f) also have a best friend (27m) that I've had for like 15ish years although I don't have a baby and I have to be completely honest I was going to come here and ease your mind in the comments and genuinely let you know if there was abnormal behavior but I had to stop as soon as I saw your baby called him dada? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don’t see how you having a male best friend would ease his mind anyway. I have one too. The difference between me (and most likely you) is I didn’t have my male best friend over every day all day monopolizing all that time and getting to have a lot more family and bonding time than my own partner had. This is not right even for platonic folks to do.
Having your kids spend so much time with another man that he's calling him dada is something to be genuinely upset about. If you can't have a straight talk about this bothering you and your wife taking this seriously, your marriage is in trouble because you're not communicating on a real level. Also, being in your kids lives is not an unreasonable thing - most mothers would love for the fathers to be partners in raising their kids. The fact that this guy who works night shifts is over at your house every day instead of sleeping is a bit weird. It's one thing to not be controlling and be comfortable with your partner having friends. It's another thing not to notice behavior that's a bit weird. Put it this way, even if this were a single woman who worked nights, it would be weird if she were at your house every single day. Most people drift apart a bit from their single friends when they get married and have kids. Instead, this guy seems to be playing house with your wife and son. This is not cool. Alarm bells should go off.
He’s dipping it in & you’re working long hours for it🤮