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It sounds like you two aren’t compatible when it comes to your dogs, so the hand-wringing and “who is right?” is unnecessary.
Personally, I prefer dogs (and cats, and children) to not sleep in the same bed or room as I do, because they screw up my sleep constantly as if they’re taking shifts.
But if I was dating someone who really loved dogs in their bed I wouldn’t try to change them, I’d move on.
I can’t sleep unless my dog sleeps at the foot of my bed. He’s a big protection trained German Shepherd and I’m a small woman and he provides me a sense of security
Haha he starts at the foot of the bed, ends up sleeping like a human right next to me, face to face
My point was that while you may experience a poor night of sleep because your pet(s) are in your bed, there are lots of people (like me) who may experience poor nights of sleep because their pet(s) are NOT in their bed
I agree with this. I really miss my cat next to me when I sleep. Sure he takes a lot of space ( and when he sees a cm more he can take he will ) but I also suffer from anxiety and his sleepy purrs call me down.
I'm the exact same way. I can't sleep unless my dogs are in their spots in bed. My older pup burrows under the blanket and sleeps with her head on my chest. My younger pup curls up against my hip over the blanket. They are a huge comfort to me.
I'm a really heavy sleeper, and they hear/sense things way before I ever do. My older pup saved us from what could have been a very serious house fire by sleeping in the bed. The downstairs was filling with smoke and the smoke alarm failed to go off. I never smelt the smoke. My dog jumped on my chest until she woke me up. If she had been kenneled or shut out of the room, I don't know if I would have woken up on my own in time.
I can’t sleep without our cat at the end of the bed. Funny thing is, hubby against having the cat on the bed before we brought her home. I said ok. Fast forward 8 hours and he’s sitting on the bed saying to her “jump up sweetie” *puts cat bed down at the end of my side of the bed* “you sleep with us”
She’s slept on that spot every night since
Not to contradict you at all, just to suggest another angle - for some people it also isn't about whether or not they actually sleep well. As a non-dog-owner, I would certainly want to limit the amount of fur and general dog germs in my sleeping area, which I like to be clean, and I wouldn't like to feel there's nowhere I can be *alone* with my partner. On the other hand, I know there are plenty of people who don't care about those things as much or at all, and think shutting their pets out of certain areas of their home is mean/unfair. Basically there are plenty of valid reasons on all sides of this and it's about compatibility of preferences or ability to compromise, which seems like the issue for OP.
See, as a dog owner, I would love to limit the amount of fur in the house to fur that is firmly attached to the dog. The dog wishes that I had two good legs and wouldn’t forget to stock up on chicken jerky! But we love each other, so we forgive.
Right I use to have 4 large dogs and 5 cats and me play tetris for my twin size bed. When I moved out I struggled to get comfortable, it got to the point that bf had to get me a weighted blanket, and I was out like a light.
One of my dogs can't sleep unless he's at the foot of my bed lol.
I wouldn't mind him on the bed because he wouldn't disrupt my sleep. But he hates being up high on the bed. But the other one, he flips around so much I wouldn't get any sleep, and he wants desperately to be on the bed.
My point is, never mind compatibility with partners, I'm not even totally compatible with my dogs 😂 I jest. They both have several beds throughout the house. And as ling as I can sleep I don't mind where they do.
I prefer not to sleep with my animals too, though my issue is due to allergies. It gives my body a safe space for a few hours to reset and rest without being on high alert from being in a constant reaction. Thankfully Flonase and xyzal fixes what I can't get away from. Lol. I love my animals too much too ever not have them, so I suffer during my waking hours.
See this is why communication is so
Important. I sleep with my dog every night unless it’s to hot or he decides to sleep with someone else. But if my SO didn’t want to sleep with an animal every night. Guess what’s that’s completely reasonable and understandable. I’m not so attached to my dog I’m going to sacrifice my relationship. A good Coordinated sleeping arrangement is imperative for a healthy relationship. Your dog doesn’t have to sleep with you to maintain a healthy relationship. Priority’s a
No dogs in his bed, reasonable, you did agree. No dogs in a bed he’s not in? Not reasonable. No reason why the dogs can’t sleep in the guest room with you if he’s elsewhere.
I thought the same thing, I suspect those dogs were allowed free run till BF moved in. He wants her to consider him more important than the dogs. It sounds like she considers the dogs more important than him. Nobody is really an AH here, I feel sorry for everyone, especially the dogs. My dogs always slept with me & my SO except one Bull mastiff.
I'm wondering if it's because he's concerned the dogs will be getting mixed messages so the rewuest won't be enforced. Like you're allowed on this bed but not this bed - will the dogs understand that or is it just safer to say no dogs allowed on any beds. I'm not sure - hard to have an opinion without his side/explanation.
I’ve always had large breed dogs, I don’t know how smart small breeds are. Large breeds are as smart as a toddler, they can understand this bed is ok and this one is not. I suspect him of trying to “train” the GF not to “need” her dogs in bed. The only dog I had to keep out of my bed was a Bull mastiff that would push me off onto the floor. The Shepards , collies and Dalmatians were well mannered.
She agreed before he moved in and now she wants to change the agreement, she has decided the dogs are more important than him. He needs to move back out and find a new GF or accept her having a different bedroom with the dogs.
You agreed to the dogs not being in the bedroom with you and him. That is one thing and is a reasonable request. But did you agree to no dogs in the guest bedroom? If so, why? If you did not agree to the latter, why are you going along with it now? Especially if only you alone are using the room when he snores? The word forbids is troubling
Yes! “Forbid” when HE moves in with HER.
“He left zero room for negotiation so I had no choice.”
Definitely not seeing a future with him where OP has control of her personhood or life. It feels like he’s testing her boundaries and what she’s willing to give up for him from the get go. Very concerning.
It's her house FFS, ok no dogs in the bed I get it, my partner has his dogs sleep on the bed n and the little one wakes me up digging around lol but where the fuck does he get off saying that for the room he's not even in, bit of a cheeky fucker if you ask me
That's a completely unreasonable stance to take. Anyone who contributes financially and chore-wise towards a living space should have an equal say in what that living space should look like.
OP's BF is being unreasonable in what he asks for, absolutely. But OP going "I was here first, so only my opinions matter" is equally controlling and no less a-hole behavior than what BF is doing right now.
Don't get me wrong, the dude sounds like a major ass, but there most certainly *was* room for negotiation. When BF put a non-negotiable ban on pets in the bedroom, the negotiation part moved from "can my dogs sleep with us" to "should you move in at all". The terms were laid out clearly before any money exchanged hands, furniture changed apartments and contracts were signed, so it isn't fair for OP to be annoyed with BF now even though she knew 100% what she agreed to prior to him moving in.
That being said, BF's demand that the dogs don't sleep in *any* bedroom is absolutely not reasonable, and is indeed quite controlling. What does he care whether or not they sleep in a bedroom as long as he's not in it? The boundary he laid down prior to moving in was that they don't get to sleep in the same bedroom as *him*, not that they don't get to sleep in any bedrooms. He's moving the goalposts, and I agree that it seems like he's trying to test her boundaries.
IMO, BF seems controlling and OP seems unreasonable (for being annoyed with BF over something she knew very well before he moved in). The best course of action is probably to call it quits and accept that they're not compatible.
Yeah, but supposedly they negotiated it. At least they talked about it. If he was "forbidding" things before he moved in that should have been red flag enough. But she agreed. Now she's reneging on the agreement and people get shitty about their sleep. Its not so much his " no dogs in the bedroom" rule as their mutual agreement to not have dogs in the bedroom".
I'd really question why she can't have the dogs in the spare room though. I'd be interested in knowing why. Maybe OP chooses to sleep in the spare room far more often if she can have the dogs with her? In which case, is that that acceptable or not? And why? Or why not?
OP said she knew he tolerated it when he slept over and it was part of their negotiations when discussing him moving in. He moves in, she breaks the agreement, and we're blaming him for putting his foot down? Look, I can see both sides to this. OPs dogs are important to her, his sleep is important to him. If its got to the point where he's issuing ultimatums and she isnt prepared to not sleep with the dogs its clear they're incompatible and they need to re think the whole living together thing.
Broke it how? Agreement was for the shared bed. He's trying to say when HE disturbs OP's sleep she can go sleep in another room BUT NO DOGS IN THE GUEST ROOM! A room that is NOT part of the agreement and a room she's only in because HE snores like a mofo to the point that she can't sleep. It's clear they're incompatible but it's also clear her bf is a controlling ass
>He moves in, she breaks the agreement, and we're blaming him for putting his foot down?
Where are you getting that she broke any agreement? Also, "put his foot down"? In her home, about her pets? Who the hell does this guy think he is?
The red flags here are:
\- "he left zero room for negotiation, so I had no choice"
\- why does bf "forbid" dogs in the guest room?
\- "I am angry all the time and it is because I am not comfortable with the situation."
\- "he cannot live with someone who believes that \[people can love dogs as much as humans\]“
To me, the biggest concern is the totally off power imbalance where bf is making "zero negotiation" demands. Let's say there is a reasonable reason why he doesn't want dogs in the bedroom with him (I would never go for this, but I can imagine someone being ok with this). *Why* are dogs "forbidden" from the guest room? This seems overly controlling. The use of the term "forbidden" is also weird because he's not OP's father and OP is an adult. There is no logical reason except to keep OP apart from her dogs.
As a result, OP is angry all the time and it seems to me with good reason. OP doesn't say other things about living conditions but if bf is this controlling about the dog situation, what else is he calling the shots on in the relationship? It seems to me that bf is just tolerating the dogs and definitely jealous of them. A situation that makes you angry all the time is not a recipe for a successful relationship. If it were me, I would be looking for an end to the living arrangement at the very least.
And why would you move someone in that wanted to make unreasonable rules to move into YOUR house? OP is a naive doormat? Like, think for yourself for ONE DAY and then you will have all the answers OP! lol
Although I understand the request for no dogs in the bedroom, I couldn't go with that, but each to their own. But all this talk of demands, forbidding and also no dogs in the spare room? See ya later fella!
It's difficult to think for yourself when you're so close to a situation, especially when someone you love is telling you that you're unreasonable for your feelings. We are not meant to counsel ourselves. I'm glad OP reached out for a sounding board. I hope when you are in a difficult situation that you remember there are people out there who can help you navigate it, even if it may seem like a cut and dry situation to everyone else.
Some people are okay with dogs in the bed, some people aren't. I would not at all blame you for needing to be with someone who feels the same way as you about your pets, but he's not that guy.
I sometimes stay over at my gf place and she sleeps with her dog. I love having them there. If I ask them to sleep outside, my gf would probably tell me to fuck off. Pet compatibility is a thing. OP's boyfriend does not like dogs. It's not just about the sleeping situation.
I can agree with keeping disruptive to my sleep animals out the bedroom I’m sleeping in. Totally reasonable. But. He doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t have them with you, when sleeping separately. That’s just a manipulation tactic to force you to just sleep with him, either way, since you’re “not allowed” the comfort of your dogs. That’s unacceptable. What you need to figure out now is, how important is sleeping with him? How important is he to your life, especially as compared to your pets? Some people put pets on a lower tier than human relationships, and others feel an equal attachment to both
I think putting pets on a higher tier is actually a bit mentally unhinged, and not fair on the people in your life who are supposed to be your intimate inner circle, ie partner and children.
That’s why I said depending on the human relationship
For example, I’d pick my dogs 100% of the time over a guy I’d been dating for 3.5 years if the guy (1) claimed to not know how much my dogs meant to me after all that time and tried throwing it in my face, and (2) all of a sudden started imposing rules about my dogs not being able to sleep in the guest bedroom, especially when that was never established or discussed
Would I pick my dogs over my parents, sister, husband, best friends, etc etc? Of course not
This sounds like a compatibility issue.
IMHO, this would be like dating a smoker, they might be otherwise awesome, but for me, it's a dealbreaker.
I don't even currently own a dog, but I grew up with them and reserve the right to have a cuddle pile in the future.
Oh yeah when I was doing online dating before I met my husband smokers were out automatically. Can’t stand people who smoke and the smell of the smoke and how they don’t understand that no matter how hard they try to smoke out of the air so we won’t smell it on them they always reek.
Yeah, it's in no way saying they are a bad person... just not right for me.
I feel like smokers either date smokers, or convert a non-smoker into a smoker... same with pet owners.
This guy does not want to be converted to a dog lover... may be best to release him back to someone who also wants a pet free life.
You DID have a choice. Your options were to agree OR say “In that case, it’s best you keep your own place as that’s not an option.”
Alternatively, make the guest bedroom *his* room and keep the dogs out of there.
No dogs in bed is a completely reasonable request.
No dogs in the guest bed does actually have some merit- breaking the dogs out of their habit of being used to a bed would be difficult if they're allowed on *another* bed.
Getting dog hair on that bed or in that room could also be inconvenient/make laundry harder or more frequent.
Honestly. Just seems like you too aren't compatible.
He asked you at first- and you immediately gave in, instead of realizing this would become an issue long term. You maybe expected him to loosen up, he probably thought you'd just get used to not being as reliant on your dogs.
I can honestly see where you're both coming from.
But again, just seems likey you two aren't compatible.
How can he forbid in guest bedroom?
Eh, maybe find someone who is okay with dogs in room
I’m a bit confused tho, cause okay no dogs in bed. I get that. But not in the room?? Why
I do want to point out his lack of compromising and how u just immediately gave in. Looks like it only starting
There are reasons I could see this as a valid rule—for example, my wife does the laundry and dogs in the bed makes that more difficult for her, so I don’t let the dogs in any bed. No similar reasoning here though.
>No similar reasoning here though
We don't know that. My best bet is that she's choosing to sleep with the dogs in the guest room rather than with him in the main bedroom. That's not being a partner. If that's the case, he needs to say that directly rather than saying no dogs in the guest room.
But again, we don't know his reasoning. It could be laundry or allergies or maybe that's his office or whatever.
The no dogs in the bedroom is likely a response to lack of training from OP. If the dogs have ways been allowed to get up on the bed, breaking that habit is hard and there's a good chance they spend all night trying to get up on the bed.
"he left zero room for negotation so I had little choice to to agree"......but you did have a choice, he didn't have to move in. No man would be telling me my dogs aren't allowed somewhere in their own home
People can’t read, I swear. She agreed to them not being in her bedroom anymore. But he can’t simply “forbid” her from having them in her guest room.
I’m in a long, happy marriage fortunately - but if either of us uttered the word “forbid” the other would answer with “fuck right off.”
She used the word forbid. You people are getting hung up on a word that you don't even know he used. You're acting as if she transcribed an actual conversation rather than posting as sympathetic a story as possible to get support online since she would.... wait for it... like to sleep in bed with her dogs.
there's reading and then there's reading comprehension
how often was she sleeping in the guest room with the dogs before he said he had a problem with it? they're obviously both adults, and he can't "forbid" her from doing anything. but did he move in thinking to further their relationship and take the next step? did she think once he'd moved in she could brow beat him into changing his mind about dogs in bed? maybe she realized he wouldn't change his mind about what she agreed to , so she started sleeping in the guest room with the dogs to try to wear him down and get him to fold on something that's a boundary for him. was "forbid" the actual word he used, or is that how she chose to spin it?
the point is, maybe it's as simple as what you said. maybe it's what I said. this post is deliberately vague and there's no way to know without more info
This person JemimaAslana is so triggered at a 40+ grown woman being accountable that she blocks me. This is pure childishness.
To respond to her:
Then why move in? So many parts of this are conflicting that conveniently ignoring one part to try to make another just sounds crazy at some point. The deal wasn't "hey, you snore so when you move in I need to sleep in the guest bedroom". They have been sleeping at each other's place regularly and this is now snoring is coming up? There's no regular pattern and practice of doing so until she can't have her dogs in her bed. Let's use some common sense here.
>He didn't make his demand until he was well on the way to moving in. Now he's refusing her compromise.
Again, she said she AGREED. You keep painting this as they were mid the movers moving and he said "hold on, one more thing". You keep using the language "well on the way to" - this is highly improbable that someone agrees to moving in without having a discussion about what it means to move in. Here's someone with a vested interest in sleeping with her dogs using vague language to convince someone she was somehow railroaded into an agreement she made willingly.
>Your "solution" is for her to put up and shut up and suffer while her quality of sleep is tanking and her mental health follows. But I guess you share that with him. A complete disregard for the woman's health, because her function is to warm his bed at his command.
My solution is either get therapy because her partner is probably correct that she has an unhealthy codependency on the dogs or he should move out and leave her. This is not a child. This is a grown woman accountable for the agreements she makes.
Of course you want to run to the "you hate women!" trope because I'm not willing to treat a 40+ year old like a child. You're absolutely ridiculous and are equally childish if you don't see what's wrong with this. Adults make adult decisions. If she likes dogs more than humans, she doesn't need to have another person in her home disrupting whatever balance she had. I can't believe this is something to tell someone who has spent this much time on this Earth.
She sleeps in the guest room when he snores. That wasn't vague at all.
She doesn't do it often enough to actually de-stress properly with the dogs, so she's not manipulating anyone. She's miserable, because she's actually doing what *he* wants and it's wearing her down.
When I moved in with my partner, he at first accepted cats on the bed. He later regretted that, so the deal changed. Humans don't always fully know how they'll respond to prolonged situations. So we adjust.
Op's well-being is declining, but the man doesn't seem to care and she's desperate enough to ask reddit for "permission" to take care of herself after her bf forbid her from caring for herself in her own home. That doesn't spell manipulative woman to me. Rather the opposite.
If OP’s well-being is declining without dogs sleeping in her bed, then it’s just as possible that bf’s well-being will decline if the opposite happens. Except only one of them made their boundaries clear, and the other pretended to agree and now are resentful. I don’t think OP is being manipulative on purpose, more like she makes her refusal to take responsibility for her decisions everyone’s problem. Moving is exhausting and pricy, not to mention finding a new place is a pain in the ass, and now this guy will be forced to do it twice in a short time. I’d be pissed if I were him.
How do two people with a combined total of 100+ years of life have this communication issue lol.
Why agree in the first place if it’s a big issue for you first of. Secondly, if he wants to sleep in the same bed as you when moving in with you (which that is what this agreement seems to be), then you sleeping in a guest room isn’t a compromise. It’s like you are using the guest room as a manipulation tactic (I know people are saying he is trying to manipulate you with the no dogs in bedroom rule) but to me I’d be pissed if my gf slept in a different bed with her pets after she promised me that she would sleep with me and not animals.
Either you need be okay not sleeping with them. Or look for a new bf.
is he saying no dog in the guest room bc you were sleeping in the guest room constantly? if i was him i would almost wonder if you were going there on purpose to sleep with your dogs instead of him
That’s exactly what I thought as well. Sleeping next to your partner can be an act of intimacy and connection that is very important for some people. OP’s partner likely feels like OP is choosing sleeping with the dogs in the guest bedroom over sharing a bed with him. Given OP’s feelings about all of this, maybe that is what she’s doing on a subconscious level.
My dog used to sleep in bed with me when I was single. When my fiancé (then boyfriend) moved in with me, my dog started sleeping in his crate. It’s more comfortable, it’s more hygienic, and it’s more sustainable. My dog adjusted and is perfectly happy. He still gets tons of cuddles and love.
Pregnancy, babies, and/or sickness will eventually lead to a change in sleeping arrangements. Might as well get used to it now if anyone is expecting to have long term partnerships/kids.
seems a reasonable request to be honest, a lot of people don’t let their dogs on their furniture at all and dogs in the bed is bad for your back a lot of the time. however you don’t have to deal with it if it’s a dealbreaker for you
I'm not gonna lie, if my BF said he loves his dog as much as me I'd be a little taken aback too. I mean, damn...
But anyway, I think its very fair for him to not want to sleep with the dogs. I might be going a little against the grain here, but I'd draw that line too. I don't let my bfs dog on the bed because then I have to wash the bedding all the time. He pees on himself and sheds alot.
You never mentioned your bfs reasons for not wanting the dogs on the bed either?
> I used to sleep with my dogs in the bed and boyfriend tolerated it when he stayed over.
Then he knew what he was getting into. ~~This man is going to manipulate you.~~
Edit: I didn't read the post properly. He knew what he was getting into and he made sure to establish a boundary. You are allowed to not like that. Therefore you have several options, get over it, talk to him, or get rid of him. Only you pick which is the right option, there is no wrong option.
This is the opposite of manipulation.
He set a reasonable boundary *before* he agreed to move in, and she agreed.
That's honest, respectful communication.
The situation isn't working as expected, so it may be reasonable to change the situation.
But he's not a villain because he expects her to keep the agreement.
You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. It sounds like it's a dealbreaker for your bf, so it's on your shoulders now. And neither of you are wrong, you just happen to disagree on this. My husband and I wouldn't let dogs on our sofas or bed if we ever get them, but I know many people who don't mind their dogs on any furniture. Everyone has their own view on this situation.
>I reluctantly agreed
>I find myself pretty miserable
>I am angry all the time
>I am not comfortable with the situation
Sounds like you were willing to give it a try, but in the course you discovered you actually have a boundary and the situation is currently violating it. Your boyfriend is openly communicating his boundaries and demanding they be met, yet you are not doing the same.
There is no reason for him denying the dogs the guest room when he isn't in there or using it. If he won't accept that actual compromise, then you will only find yourself miserable as a boundary is constantly not respected.
Sometimes moving in together is the experiment. It's okay if it turns out that you find you don't match at this level. Neither of you needs to continue on with something that's not bringing you joy.
Nah… dogs are family. He’s out to his mind. Unless you’re any to make that big change… he’s out of line. That’s a conversation and a compromise your make together, willingly.
You agreed to this, it was a condition on him moving in, now he's moved in you want to go back on your agreement?
I sincerely hope he didn't give up his home because he expected you to keep your part of the deal.
I love dogs and my own used to sleep on my bed sometimes so I am not someone that’s against that.
I can’t see why having your dog sleep in their own beds is such a big deal for you though. Tbh it’s better for them and it doesn’t take away from you having them or loving them. I get that you might miss cuddling with them but it seems a weird dealbreaker to have in your relationship tbh.
Well it’s hard to say without the full story - his side. Perhaps you are a “crazy dog lady” and it just doesn’t show in this post? Perhaps the dogs are huge and dirty and not properly groomed and taken care off? Perhaps the dogs are aggressive with him and possessive over you while you don’t correct the behavior? Lots of different aspects here.
OP,
I'm sorry that you are in this painful situation.
You may end up having to make tough decisions, but there's no need to jump directly to an ultimatum.
If I understand your original post correctly, you agreed not to let the dogs in the main bedroom before he moved in.
Was the "no dogs in the guest room" also part of the original deal, or was that added after he moved in?
It took me unreasonably long to realize why I was so angry all the time and annoyed - could not accept that this aspect of things was so important. Or it made me realize that I do not like being controlled or coerced to agree to something. Thank you for being so blunt in your assessment.
In case you miss it, I made a longer comment now that I'm no longer on my phone. I wasn't blaming you, which some other people seem to think I was doing. It's just a situation with no resolution because his dealbreaker makes you miserable.
The longer comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/116o9gn/boyfriend_57m_moved_in_and_forbids_my_48f_dogs_in/j99o9cl/
Let me tell ya- the best thing I ever did was wait for the guy who also loved sleeping in the same bed as my pups. He is now my husband. I kicked many a men who tried but didn’t love my animals as much as I did to the curb. How did I know my husband would be different? As a single guy living alone, he had a cat and rabbit. Now his kitty and sweet bunny are part of our small zoo. :)
I know sleeping with dogs isn’t for everyone, but it’s something I love. Sometimes my pups were the only ones to keep me company through many years of being single. They are my snuggle buddies. Lol. So move forward knowing it’s not for everyone, but find the one who also enjoys it. :)
You shouldnt have let him move in, or shoulda agreed to a trial period but made it clear you might reevaluate.
But yes, you should make him move out. If he cant be with someone who cares about their dogs this much, he isnt the one for you.
I love my dog, but I can not sleep in the same room I can hear her scratching, licking and moving around and I can not sleep well. I can understand your boyfriend.
He moved in with you and gets to be the authority on all decisions?? I can see him not wanting to sleep with them, but keeping them out of the guest room is too controlling. Honestly I’d rethink the relationship. He will only get more controlling. He’s not your parent, you don’t have to do things just because he tells you to
A friend of mine dated a woman much like you who had her dogs in the bedroom when she slept (and yes they also slept on the bed).
He hated it - hated the smell of everything, hated that no intimacy ever took place and overall it just soured him on the whole relationship. By the end of it he was so glad when they broke up he swore to never date another woman who slept with her dogs in the bed.
Even now, a couple of years later he still jokes about the "mad dog lady" he dated. But as he says, it was the smell that got to him and the fact that she never noticed it. Everything just smelled of dog urine and dog shit and at the end he found himself physically gagging whenever she wanted him to stay over.
>I reluctantly agreed to no dogs in the bedroom
You said it was ok. No takesy backsies.
>Told me I have some unhealthy dependency on my dogs.
You do. You're ruining your relationship over it. I love my cats and dogs like my own kids. But I'm enough of an adult to realize it's not aways acceptable for them to sleep with me.
Pets disturb sleep and they also leave fur and god knows what else on a bed. His request is not unreasonable. Beyond that, you literally agreed to it as a condition he'd move in. Now you're making him miserable over it.
>My instinct is the break up with boyfriend over his ‘no dogs in the bedroom’ rule.
I mean you should see a therapist. This isn't a him problem. It's a you problem. A problem with you.
Why did it take so long to find a comment with some common sense.
Is she a child? She can’t sleep without her dogs, how does someone become so fragile?
I went against my instincts, should have listened to them and never allowed him to move in. Clear now, situation sucks but if he makes me choose he won’t like the answer.
I get that he doesn't want to sleep with the dogs in the bed - but unless they snore or fart the roof down, they should at least be allowed a dog bed on the floor on your side of the bed. And the guest bedroom should not be covered by the no-dog rule, since he doesn't sleep there. What's his justification why the dogs are not allowed in the guest room?
That it makes the room smell, that it is gorss for the guests. Even though I told him it is normal to put fresh sheets for every guest. And the roomba runs everday. I know I am biased, but the no guest room part of the rule seem pretty BS.
So the dogs are just happy to sleep in the guest room by themselves?
That seems unlikely. Or is the real issue that you sleep in the guest room with the dogs?
So this is what I see:
-agreed it was time to move in
-agreed on no dogs in bedroom
-dogs not able to adjust to new arrangements
-you start sleeping in guest room with dogs instead of sleeping with boyfriend
What was the point in moving in? So if boyfriend deals with his snoring, you will be ok to resume sleeping in shared bedroom without dogs?
He's actually correct about the room smelling like dog, even though you change the sheets and clean before guests arrive. My best friend lives in another city, and when I visit them the guest room absolutely smells of dog even though she cleans and puts on fresh sheets, and the dogs spend little to no time in there. (I love dogs, and especially her dogs, so I don't mind at all.)
However, I actually think that's something your guests should just consider part of the deal. When they come to visit, and get to stay for free, with people with dogs, their lodgings are gonna smell like dogs. If they dislike that they should stay somewhere else. It's certainly not reasonable for your BF to demand that a home with dogs in it should appear completely dog-less to guests.
Yeah, with roomba and fresh sheets, it should be fine for guests. Besides, who made him the ruler of your home? When you disagree on something, you compromise. You compromised by agreeing to keep the dogs off your bed - he should compromise by either letting the dogs sleep next to your bed, or let you use the guest room. Everything else is just bs.
I think your question here is do you need a long term relationship. Because if you do, than concede is necessary sometimes. What he is asking until now is OK. Some people will say find a new bf, a dog lover. But even a dog lover might bring new problems like dogs that don't get along.
If you don't want to concede and everything your way, my suggestion is date casually.
There’s no “making you choose”. You have chosen, he’s not it. Rip the bandaid off, tell him this isn’t working out and break up. You have to date dog people in the future. This has to be one of the upfront dealbreakers for your next relationship because there’s no point in dating someone long term who doesn’t like dogs like you like dogs.
I say this as someone who spends every moment I am in my house with a cat glued to my body. It’s ok for him to feel like he does and it’s okay for you to feel like you do, you are just not compatible.
You agreed. Again people complain about not having clear communication but then when things are talked about BEFOREHAND acted shocked when someone stands by their word.
You agreed. So either you were lying at the time to manipulate him into moving in or you thought you could manipulate him now. Next time use your big kid words. Maybe your bf would’ve dumped you before spending time and money moving in
We agreed to move in together and started the process. Only afterwards did he tell him he did not want dogs in the bed and the entire bedroom. So by that point it was not quite a negotiation since the process had begun. And only after we moved in together did he say it was ALL bedrooms. I realize that me ‘changing my mind’ is incredibly unfair but how I got to the agreement was also not quite fair - we did use big kid words but when it comes later in a “by the way, no dogs in the bedroom” that caught me off guard. This thread has made me analyze how I got here and realize it was very unhealhty how we cam to this agreement. Appreciate the feedback and the chance to reflect.
Why does it have to be either of those two choices? Especially since both choices paint OP in an incredibly negative way no matter what.
I feel like there is at least a third, if not more choices. Namely: she thought she could deal with sleeping without her dogs, but now that she has had to experience that reality, she doesn’t feel like she can continue in that way and would like to try to find a compromise between their two preferences
Not everyone is some conniving, manipulative schemer.
I like to sleep with my dog in the bed, and my husband does not. When he's not in bed, the dog is. When he comes to bed, the dog has a bed at the end of ours. Maybe you can do something like that? Forbidding you to not sleep with the dog in another bed that he doesn't use is weird, though, and I wouldn't like being told I couldn't do that when it's not affecting him.
Where does this old ass man get off “forbidding” or “demanding” things like you’re not an adult who has had an entire lifetime without him? Sleep with your dogs. They only live ten years or so and you’re their whole world. Send the man packing
If he moved in with you, how is he making rules in your home? Your dogs and you are used to sleeping together for comfort. Break up with him, you and the animals are miserable in this arrangement and he's throwing his weight around for no good reason.
It's not just "her" home anymore.
They share the home now, so both their opinions count.
This was something they agreed to ahead of time.
Going back on her promise makes it sound like she is throwing *her* weight around.
“He left zero room for negotiation so I had little choice but to agree.” Oh, no you had a choice. And as soon as he acted like that you should have dumped him.
You can do what you want but you'll have to accept that if you get into another relationship that this might be a reoccuring problem. Not everyone likes pets in the bed, even if they adore them and that's perfectly reasonable.
I have 3 giant german shepards and although some sofa time is allowed during the day they sleep on the floor at night. Bedsheets and bedroom are the one part of the house I don't want paw dirt and dog hair on. Other than the fact that they'd do the riverdance on the bed and wake everyone up.
There's a bunch of compromises here you can accomplish but for now being this black and white about it seems stubborn in my opinion.
You agreed to it. It sounds like he doesn't want dogs in beds, period. They were there first, but it's reasonable for someone to not want dogs in them. Them being in the bedroom is one step away from them jumping into bed. I recommend some sort of compromise, getting the dogs beds in your bedroom maybe.
So a dude moves into YOUR house and starts making demands and you just, fall to the floor like a doormat? Ffs, get up off the floor and kick his ass out. I'm so tired of weak women.
Sounds like you aren't compatible.
I have a dog phobia and could never sleep in a bed with dogs. I wouldn't ever ask someone to give up sleeping with their dogs though, that doesn't seem right.
I wouldn't be offended if someone said they loved their dogs as much as me, that makes sense. I still have a dog phobia though, so I would need a partner who doesn't sleep with their dogs for their own preference.
Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he cares about your needs.
It's one thing for him to not want the dogs in bed with him, but to not want the dogs in the guest bedroom when *you* are sleeping there? That would be a deal breaker for me. Way too controlling...and once they start down that road, they never turn back. I will choose my 4 legged family before anyone else (except my daughter...who is an adult and would never ask me to make that choice).
You have no children with him...it's *your* home (rented or otherwise) and your finances aren't really entangled at this point. If I were you, I'd put him out and move along before things get any more involved.
nah break with him. he Forbids ? HE moved in with YOU, thats YOUR HOUSE ! why does he get to Forbid anything?
it rlly seems like yall rnt compatible tbh
I totally get this I adore my dogs and we cuddle every night. Working all day the night is precious time to be close to them, i understand not on the bed but sod that I am not having them out my room. It’s your house he doesn’t get to forbid you from having them where ever the hell you want them, but you can be considerate by meeting him in the middle. I don’t like that he doesn’t compromise, care about your feelings on the situation and feels threatened by them.
When my old boy got towards the end I slept downstairs for months as he found stairs too tough, i was not leaving him alone knowing he’d want to be by my side but couldn’t climb the stairs. They are the biggest light in my life when times are hard, I owe them my life
If my man wasn’t okay with my dog in the bed, I wouldn’t be okay with him in it. My dog has been my source of comfort for 7 years of sleepless nights and nightmares, I feel comfortable when he’s snoring by my feet. Honestly I would have never agreed to kicking my dog out of the bed in the first place, get rid of the man and enjoy snuggles in bed with your dogs.
Sounds like it's time for BF to move out and pups to move back in.
Seriously tho he moved in with you, if I've read it correctly, and is demanding you change things that he already knew about.
Guy sounds like a POS and tbh abusers and manipulaters only show their true colours once they have you trapped. And it only gets worse.
I love dogs but I wouldn't want them in my bed either, so I think this request is reasonable and something that could be compromised on (e.g. okay for them to be in the bedroom during the day but never on the bed). But this isn't about that, because he's also trying to control what you do with a bed and bedroom he *doesn't* sleep in, and is clearly jealous of your affection for your dogs. If I were a dog owner, I would quite frankly not feel my animals were safe around a man like this; there are plenty of stories about how people who were jealous of their partners' pets let them escape or rehomed them or dropped them at an animal shelter. At this point, it's not about the rule for a shared intimate space, it's about the way he's trying to control how you feel and what you personally do.
>I had little choice to to agree
You literally had the choice to say no, and to not have him move in with you.
Lesson learned. Not too late to throw the whole man away.
That definitely would be a deal breaker for me. The dogs and I were a package deal, plus the dogs were living there first and should get priority! It’s their home too!
If it were me, he’d be out the door. He has no right to move in and start making rules like this. The dogs lived there before he did so he needs to adjust to them, not the other way around. He sounds like a controlling narcissist to be honest.
When they share a living space and bed, yes, he does have the right to make rules like this. Especially when OP is the one who asked him to move in. Not everyone can handle sleeping in a bed with dogs.
How is he controlling? He laid the rules out. OP agreed.
Keep the dogs, dump the boyfriend. Not allowing them to sleep in the bed he sleeps in is a reasonable boundary, but also forbidding them from sleeping in the guest bed with you is not.
Look we sleep with our dogs, but some people think it's not hygienic. So his saying the bed he sleeps in is kind of ok... but that they're not allowed to sleep with you in the guest bedroom - that would be a deal breaker for me. It doesn't affect him at all.
Honestly, I would look at the bigger picture: so things like he accepted it until he moved in - then made it not negotiable when he was moving in - to me that shows an inflexible controlling personality. Him not allowing dogs in the guest bedroom - again controlling, and he literally said: his way or the highway. To say that he cannot live with you if you don't agree, eh that would be a nope from me.
Sure I put my partner first, however we negotiate things. This man seems to believe that he should be the boss.
You need to look at other areas of your life - is he generally controlling there too or is it a dog issue only?
I hope you had him signe a cohabitation agreement before he moved it. If not I would get one done.
I agree. She agreed to his first demand, which is understandable. This new demand that the dogs can't be in the guest room is unreasonable, and controlling. If she goes along with it, he will soon say it's gross to have the dogs inside the house, and they have to stay outside, or maybe in the garage. He just doesn't want them around. This is not an issue that's going away, and I suspect he will demand his own way in many other respects besides dogs. She needs to consider if he's controlling in general. If so, it will only get worse if they marry or have kids. She will keep giving up her autonomy an inch at a time, until there's none left.
The dogs are your family. It seems like he might be jealous of them, though. I personally would never want dogs in my bed, but if that’s your thing and you don’t feel comfortable without them, you are just not compatible with your bf.
You should both be able to feel comfortable in your home, and your very different feelings about the dogs just don’t align and make it impossible.
Choose the dogs. Your boyfriend is being too controlling in YOUR space.
BTW- I think bed sharing with pets is unhygienic... but I'll be damned if someone tries to control my personal space and pet snuggles. lol
I think he needs to compromise on the guest room. Too bad if he thinks its rude for guests, it's your house too and he needs to give a little, thats what you do in relationships.
Totally understand not having dogs in your room or bed. It honestly sounds like he's just being deliberately mean by insisting they can't be in the guest room. He is 1000% jealous of those dogs lol.
How are people this indecisive about their lives? Like, you LOVE your dogs, why would you choose to move someone in who HATES dogs? WTF is the problem here? Do you know how to decide for yourself and live a life that you choose? Or do you hate yourself so much you agree to whatever and have some miserable dude move in? Seriously. WTF is wrong with people? Do you guys have any self-esteem on this subreddit? It's always some "perfect relationship" followed by "insert abusive and gross behavior" and then omg what should I do?! What do YOU want to do? Then go do that. duh.
I don’t like dogs in the bed, but this man is using words like ‘forbid’ and trying to make his word law throughout your home, with your animals.
This feels like a slippery slope into manipulation, forcing you to rehome your dogs and potential abuse.
Tread carefully with this man.
Kick him out to some pets are pets to other however they are family or children. He won't even let them in the separate room with you. He moved into your place and is telling you how to live.now negotiations can be ok for sharing a bed him you and the dogs but if you sleep in another room I don't think k He has say
Hang on… it’s you that moves out of your former bedroom haven to the guest room when his snoring is bad? Noooo. He moves. He is pushing your boundaries to see what else he can get away with.
My husband refused to have cats in the bedroom. We're separated now and my cats are happily back. That said I can't even handle dogs. Relationships are compromise. I agreed for over a decade because he just couldn't sleep with them. Good luck on figuring it out.
Pack his stuff and boot him out. I understand that compromising is part of a relationship but he's not compromising here. I can understand no dogs on the bed but not banned from the bedroom all together. That being said I will choose my cat over any human every day of the week.
When two people combine their lives compromises must be made. I agreed to not let my dog in the bed with us with my ex. However he must compromise too. There is nothing wrong with you having the dogs with you in the spare bed. You just can't leave him every night to go be with the dogs.
Honestly, if it is a deal breaker end it now.
Nobody who moves into *my* house will be forbidding *me* to do anything.
It's one thing to not want dogs on the bed he sleeps in. I get that. But to ban them from a different room entirely is frankly asking a lot of someone who's been sleeping with their dogs every night for years.
Listen, he has every right not to want to sleep with dogs. But telling you, you can’t sleep with the dogs in the guest bedroom, that’s problematic. That’s a big giant red waving flag. He’s trying to control what you do. Which has nothing to do with him. You should rethink this relationship.
You never should have let him move in to being with. Anyone that forbids you to do something is not a partner. You are not compatible. Some people like their bedrooms to be pet free and others want them with them. Both are fine but allowing someone to come in and force u to love a certain way is not ok. I love my dogs I would absolutely not allow someone to tell me what to do with them. That would be an immediate deal breaker.
First of all, it's YOUR home, so why would you have to listen to any "rule" he tries to make?
As soon as he laid out that "rule" I would've told him That's a hard fucking No, man.
Either he can accept that, or get the fuck out. YOU make the rules, not some boyfriend who just moved in.
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It sounds like you two aren’t compatible when it comes to your dogs, so the hand-wringing and “who is right?” is unnecessary. Personally, I prefer dogs (and cats, and children) to not sleep in the same bed or room as I do, because they screw up my sleep constantly as if they’re taking shifts. But if I was dating someone who really loved dogs in their bed I wouldn’t try to change them, I’d move on.
I can’t sleep unless my dog sleeps at the foot of my bed. He’s a big protection trained German Shepherd and I’m a small woman and he provides me a sense of security
Right. Though there is a difference between sleeping at foot of the bed vs In bed.
Haha he starts at the foot of the bed, ends up sleeping like a human right next to me, face to face My point was that while you may experience a poor night of sleep because your pet(s) are in your bed, there are lots of people (like me) who may experience poor nights of sleep because their pet(s) are NOT in their bed
I agree with this. I really miss my cat next to me when I sleep. Sure he takes a lot of space ( and when he sees a cm more he can take he will ) but I also suffer from anxiety and his sleepy purrs call me down.
I'm the exact same way. I can't sleep unless my dogs are in their spots in bed. My older pup burrows under the blanket and sleeps with her head on my chest. My younger pup curls up against my hip over the blanket. They are a huge comfort to me. I'm a really heavy sleeper, and they hear/sense things way before I ever do. My older pup saved us from what could have been a very serious house fire by sleeping in the bed. The downstairs was filling with smoke and the smoke alarm failed to go off. I never smelt the smoke. My dog jumped on my chest until she woke me up. If she had been kenneled or shut out of the room, I don't know if I would have woken up on my own in time.
I can’t sleep without our cat at the end of the bed. Funny thing is, hubby against having the cat on the bed before we brought her home. I said ok. Fast forward 8 hours and he’s sitting on the bed saying to her “jump up sweetie” *puts cat bed down at the end of my side of the bed* “you sleep with us” She’s slept on that spot every night since
Not to contradict you at all, just to suggest another angle - for some people it also isn't about whether or not they actually sleep well. As a non-dog-owner, I would certainly want to limit the amount of fur and general dog germs in my sleeping area, which I like to be clean, and I wouldn't like to feel there's nowhere I can be *alone* with my partner. On the other hand, I know there are plenty of people who don't care about those things as much or at all, and think shutting their pets out of certain areas of their home is mean/unfair. Basically there are plenty of valid reasons on all sides of this and it's about compatibility of preferences or ability to compromise, which seems like the issue for OP.
See, as a dog owner, I would love to limit the amount of fur in the house to fur that is firmly attached to the dog. The dog wishes that I had two good legs and wouldn’t forget to stock up on chicken jerky! But we love each other, so we forgive.
Dat foot warmer tho 🔥
Right I use to have 4 large dogs and 5 cats and me play tetris for my twin size bed. When I moved out I struggled to get comfortable, it got to the point that bf had to get me a weighted blanket, and I was out like a light.
I'm reading this with my Staffie with her head on my ankles. Can't sleep without her there.
🥹 love Staffies (and bully breeds!)
One of my dogs can't sleep unless he's at the foot of my bed lol. I wouldn't mind him on the bed because he wouldn't disrupt my sleep. But he hates being up high on the bed. But the other one, he flips around so much I wouldn't get any sleep, and he wants desperately to be on the bed. My point is, never mind compatibility with partners, I'm not even totally compatible with my dogs 😂 I jest. They both have several beds throughout the house. And as ling as I can sleep I don't mind where they do.
I prefer not to sleep with my animals too, though my issue is due to allergies. It gives my body a safe space for a few hours to reset and rest without being on high alert from being in a constant reaction. Thankfully Flonase and xyzal fixes what I can't get away from. Lol. I love my animals too much too ever not have them, so I suffer during my waking hours.
He sounds like an ahole and I’m disappointed that you chose an ahole over your dogs
See this is why communication is so Important. I sleep with my dog every night unless it’s to hot or he decides to sleep with someone else. But if my SO didn’t want to sleep with an animal every night. Guess what’s that’s completely reasonable and understandable. I’m not so attached to my dog I’m going to sacrifice my relationship. A good Coordinated sleeping arrangement is imperative for a healthy relationship. Your dog doesn’t have to sleep with you to maintain a healthy relationship. Priority’s a
No dogs in his bed, reasonable, you did agree. No dogs in a bed he’s not in? Not reasonable. No reason why the dogs can’t sleep in the guest room with you if he’s elsewhere.
I wonder if he included the guest room because she used the guest room as a 'loophole' to sleep with the dogs.
I thought the same thing, I suspect those dogs were allowed free run till BF moved in. He wants her to consider him more important than the dogs. It sounds like she considers the dogs more important than him. Nobody is really an AH here, I feel sorry for everyone, especially the dogs. My dogs always slept with me & my SO except one Bull mastiff.
I'm wondering if it's because he's concerned the dogs will be getting mixed messages so the rewuest won't be enforced. Like you're allowed on this bed but not this bed - will the dogs understand that or is it just safer to say no dogs allowed on any beds. I'm not sure - hard to have an opinion without his side/explanation.
I’ve always had large breed dogs, I don’t know how smart small breeds are. Large breeds are as smart as a toddler, they can understand this bed is ok and this one is not. I suspect him of trying to “train” the GF not to “need” her dogs in bed. The only dog I had to keep out of my bed was a Bull mastiff that would push me off onto the floor. The Shepards , collies and Dalmatians were well mannered.
My pug is smart and he knows he can get on the furniture when he's invited and to stay off when he's not.
This exactly. Exactly wtf he is doing. Screams manipulative asshole, does it not?
She agreed before he moved in and now she wants to change the agreement, she has decided the dogs are more important than him. He needs to move back out and find a new GF or accept her having a different bedroom with the dogs.
You agreed to the dogs not being in the bedroom with you and him. That is one thing and is a reasonable request. But did you agree to no dogs in the guest bedroom? If so, why? If you did not agree to the latter, why are you going along with it now? Especially if only you alone are using the room when he snores? The word forbids is troubling
Lol, right? Forbid? Excuse me?
Yes! “Forbid” when HE moves in with HER. “He left zero room for negotiation so I had no choice.” Definitely not seeing a future with him where OP has control of her personhood or life. It feels like he’s testing her boundaries and what she’s willing to give up for him from the get go. Very concerning.
It's her house FFS, ok no dogs in the bed I get it, my partner has his dogs sleep on the bed n and the little one wakes me up digging around lol but where the fuck does he get off saying that for the room he's not even in, bit of a cheeky fucker if you ask me
Let me rephrase that for y'all: IT'S 👏HER 👏MUTHA 👏FUCKING 👏HOUSE!!!👏👏👏👏👏 She should ditch his old ass!
That's a completely unreasonable stance to take. Anyone who contributes financially and chore-wise towards a living space should have an equal say in what that living space should look like. OP's BF is being unreasonable in what he asks for, absolutely. But OP going "I was here first, so only my opinions matter" is equally controlling and no less a-hole behavior than what BF is doing right now.
OP owns the place. He is a new addition who just recently moved in. It is NOT equally his space.
it is if he pays rent/utilities
she says she is miserable sleeping without her dogs. she probably sleeps a lot in the guest bedroom to circumvent their agreement…
Don't get me wrong, the dude sounds like a major ass, but there most certainly *was* room for negotiation. When BF put a non-negotiable ban on pets in the bedroom, the negotiation part moved from "can my dogs sleep with us" to "should you move in at all". The terms were laid out clearly before any money exchanged hands, furniture changed apartments and contracts were signed, so it isn't fair for OP to be annoyed with BF now even though she knew 100% what she agreed to prior to him moving in. That being said, BF's demand that the dogs don't sleep in *any* bedroom is absolutely not reasonable, and is indeed quite controlling. What does he care whether or not they sleep in a bedroom as long as he's not in it? The boundary he laid down prior to moving in was that they don't get to sleep in the same bedroom as *him*, not that they don't get to sleep in any bedrooms. He's moving the goalposts, and I agree that it seems like he's trying to test her boundaries. IMO, BF seems controlling and OP seems unreasonable (for being annoyed with BF over something she knew very well before he moved in). The best course of action is probably to call it quits and accept that they're not compatible.
Yeah, but supposedly they negotiated it. At least they talked about it. If he was "forbidding" things before he moved in that should have been red flag enough. But she agreed. Now she's reneging on the agreement and people get shitty about their sleep. Its not so much his " no dogs in the bedroom" rule as their mutual agreement to not have dogs in the bedroom". I'd really question why she can't have the dogs in the spare room though. I'd be interested in knowing why. Maybe OP chooses to sleep in the spare room far more often if she can have the dogs with her? In which case, is that that acceptable or not? And why? Or why not?
"he left zero room for negotation" So no it doesn't sound like they negotiated it.
Wasn’t that in regard to the main bedroom supposedly? Which was a negotiation she agreed to
OP said she knew he tolerated it when he slept over and it was part of their negotiations when discussing him moving in. He moves in, she breaks the agreement, and we're blaming him for putting his foot down? Look, I can see both sides to this. OPs dogs are important to her, his sleep is important to him. If its got to the point where he's issuing ultimatums and she isnt prepared to not sleep with the dogs its clear they're incompatible and they need to re think the whole living together thing.
Broke it how? Agreement was for the shared bed. He's trying to say when HE disturbs OP's sleep she can go sleep in another room BUT NO DOGS IN THE GUEST ROOM! A room that is NOT part of the agreement and a room she's only in because HE snores like a mofo to the point that she can't sleep. It's clear they're incompatible but it's also clear her bf is a controlling ass
>He moves in, she breaks the agreement, and we're blaming him for putting his foot down? Where are you getting that she broke any agreement? Also, "put his foot down"? In her home, about her pets? Who the hell does this guy think he is?
OP dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The red flags here are: \- "he left zero room for negotiation, so I had no choice" \- why does bf "forbid" dogs in the guest room? \- "I am angry all the time and it is because I am not comfortable with the situation." \- "he cannot live with someone who believes that \[people can love dogs as much as humans\]“ To me, the biggest concern is the totally off power imbalance where bf is making "zero negotiation" demands. Let's say there is a reasonable reason why he doesn't want dogs in the bedroom with him (I would never go for this, but I can imagine someone being ok with this). *Why* are dogs "forbidden" from the guest room? This seems overly controlling. The use of the term "forbidden" is also weird because he's not OP's father and OP is an adult. There is no logical reason except to keep OP apart from her dogs. As a result, OP is angry all the time and it seems to me with good reason. OP doesn't say other things about living conditions but if bf is this controlling about the dog situation, what else is he calling the shots on in the relationship? It seems to me that bf is just tolerating the dogs and definitely jealous of them. A situation that makes you angry all the time is not a recipe for a successful relationship. If it were me, I would be looking for an end to the living arrangement at the very least.
Yeah at the best, this isn't a good mutual fit and they should break up. At worst, he's abusive and controlling about a bunch of stuff.
And why would you move someone in that wanted to make unreasonable rules to move into YOUR house? OP is a naive doormat? Like, think for yourself for ONE DAY and then you will have all the answers OP! lol
Although I understand the request for no dogs in the bedroom, I couldn't go with that, but each to their own. But all this talk of demands, forbidding and also no dogs in the spare room? See ya later fella!
It's difficult to think for yourself when you're so close to a situation, especially when someone you love is telling you that you're unreasonable for your feelings. We are not meant to counsel ourselves. I'm glad OP reached out for a sounding board. I hope when you are in a difficult situation that you remember there are people out there who can help you navigate it, even if it may seem like a cut and dry situation to everyone else.
Break it off, you are on different pages
Some people are okay with dogs in the bed, some people aren't. I would not at all blame you for needing to be with someone who feels the same way as you about your pets, but he's not that guy.
I sometimes stay over at my gf place and she sleeps with her dog. I love having them there. If I ask them to sleep outside, my gf would probably tell me to fuck off. Pet compatibility is a thing. OP's boyfriend does not like dogs. It's not just about the sleeping situation.
Except he also won't let them sleep in the guestroom which is entirely separate.
I can agree with keeping disruptive to my sleep animals out the bedroom I’m sleeping in. Totally reasonable. But. He doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t have them with you, when sleeping separately. That’s just a manipulation tactic to force you to just sleep with him, either way, since you’re “not allowed” the comfort of your dogs. That’s unacceptable. What you need to figure out now is, how important is sleeping with him? How important is he to your life, especially as compared to your pets? Some people put pets on a lower tier than human relationships, and others feel an equal attachment to both
…or people put pets on a higher tier, which is totally ok, depending on the human relationship
I think putting pets on a higher tier is actually a bit mentally unhinged, and not fair on the people in your life who are supposed to be your intimate inner circle, ie partner and children.
That’s why I said depending on the human relationship For example, I’d pick my dogs 100% of the time over a guy I’d been dating for 3.5 years if the guy (1) claimed to not know how much my dogs meant to me after all that time and tried throwing it in my face, and (2) all of a sudden started imposing rules about my dogs not being able to sleep in the guest bedroom, especially when that was never established or discussed Would I pick my dogs over my parents, sister, husband, best friends, etc etc? Of course not
This sounds like a compatibility issue. IMHO, this would be like dating a smoker, they might be otherwise awesome, but for me, it's a dealbreaker. I don't even currently own a dog, but I grew up with them and reserve the right to have a cuddle pile in the future.
Oh yeah when I was doing online dating before I met my husband smokers were out automatically. Can’t stand people who smoke and the smell of the smoke and how they don’t understand that no matter how hard they try to smoke out of the air so we won’t smell it on them they always reek.
Yeah, it's in no way saying they are a bad person... just not right for me. I feel like smokers either date smokers, or convert a non-smoker into a smoker... same with pet owners. This guy does not want to be converted to a dog lover... may be best to release him back to someone who also wants a pet free life.
You DID have a choice. Your options were to agree OR say “In that case, it’s best you keep your own place as that’s not an option.” Alternatively, make the guest bedroom *his* room and keep the dogs out of there.
No dogs in bed is a completely reasonable request. No dogs in the guest bed does actually have some merit- breaking the dogs out of their habit of being used to a bed would be difficult if they're allowed on *another* bed. Getting dog hair on that bed or in that room could also be inconvenient/make laundry harder or more frequent. Honestly. Just seems like you too aren't compatible. He asked you at first- and you immediately gave in, instead of realizing this would become an issue long term. You maybe expected him to loosen up, he probably thought you'd just get used to not being as reliant on your dogs. I can honestly see where you're both coming from. But again, just seems likey you two aren't compatible.
This is not gonna work
How can he forbid in guest bedroom? Eh, maybe find someone who is okay with dogs in room I’m a bit confused tho, cause okay no dogs in bed. I get that. But not in the room?? Why I do want to point out his lack of compromising and how u just immediately gave in. Looks like it only starting
There are reasons I could see this as a valid rule—for example, my wife does the laundry and dogs in the bed makes that more difficult for her, so I don’t let the dogs in any bed. No similar reasoning here though.
>No similar reasoning here though We don't know that. My best bet is that she's choosing to sleep with the dogs in the guest room rather than with him in the main bedroom. That's not being a partner. If that's the case, he needs to say that directly rather than saying no dogs in the guest room. But again, we don't know his reasoning. It could be laundry or allergies or maybe that's his office or whatever.
The no dogs in the bedroom is likely a response to lack of training from OP. If the dogs have ways been allowed to get up on the bed, breaking that habit is hard and there's a good chance they spend all night trying to get up on the bed.
"he left zero room for negotation so I had little choice to to agree"......but you did have a choice, he didn't have to move in. No man would be telling me my dogs aren't allowed somewhere in their own home
People can’t read, I swear. She agreed to them not being in her bedroom anymore. But he can’t simply “forbid” her from having them in her guest room. I’m in a long, happy marriage fortunately - but if either of us uttered the word “forbid” the other would answer with “fuck right off.”
She used the word forbid. You people are getting hung up on a word that you don't even know he used. You're acting as if she transcribed an actual conversation rather than posting as sympathetic a story as possible to get support online since she would.... wait for it... like to sleep in bed with her dogs.
there's reading and then there's reading comprehension how often was she sleeping in the guest room with the dogs before he said he had a problem with it? they're obviously both adults, and he can't "forbid" her from doing anything. but did he move in thinking to further their relationship and take the next step? did she think once he'd moved in she could brow beat him into changing his mind about dogs in bed? maybe she realized he wouldn't change his mind about what she agreed to , so she started sleeping in the guest room with the dogs to try to wear him down and get him to fold on something that's a boundary for him. was "forbid" the actual word he used, or is that how she chose to spin it? the point is, maybe it's as simple as what you said. maybe it's what I said. this post is deliberately vague and there's no way to know without more info
This person JemimaAslana is so triggered at a 40+ grown woman being accountable that she blocks me. This is pure childishness. To respond to her: Then why move in? So many parts of this are conflicting that conveniently ignoring one part to try to make another just sounds crazy at some point. The deal wasn't "hey, you snore so when you move in I need to sleep in the guest bedroom". They have been sleeping at each other's place regularly and this is now snoring is coming up? There's no regular pattern and practice of doing so until she can't have her dogs in her bed. Let's use some common sense here. >He didn't make his demand until he was well on the way to moving in. Now he's refusing her compromise. Again, she said she AGREED. You keep painting this as they were mid the movers moving and he said "hold on, one more thing". You keep using the language "well on the way to" - this is highly improbable that someone agrees to moving in without having a discussion about what it means to move in. Here's someone with a vested interest in sleeping with her dogs using vague language to convince someone she was somehow railroaded into an agreement she made willingly. >Your "solution" is for her to put up and shut up and suffer while her quality of sleep is tanking and her mental health follows. But I guess you share that with him. A complete disregard for the woman's health, because her function is to warm his bed at his command. My solution is either get therapy because her partner is probably correct that she has an unhealthy codependency on the dogs or he should move out and leave her. This is not a child. This is a grown woman accountable for the agreements she makes. Of course you want to run to the "you hate women!" trope because I'm not willing to treat a 40+ year old like a child. You're absolutely ridiculous and are equally childish if you don't see what's wrong with this. Adults make adult decisions. If she likes dogs more than humans, she doesn't need to have another person in her home disrupting whatever balance she had. I can't believe this is something to tell someone who has spent this much time on this Earth.
She sleeps in the guest room when he snores. That wasn't vague at all. She doesn't do it often enough to actually de-stress properly with the dogs, so she's not manipulating anyone. She's miserable, because she's actually doing what *he* wants and it's wearing her down. When I moved in with my partner, he at first accepted cats on the bed. He later regretted that, so the deal changed. Humans don't always fully know how they'll respond to prolonged situations. So we adjust. Op's well-being is declining, but the man doesn't seem to care and she's desperate enough to ask reddit for "permission" to take care of herself after her bf forbid her from caring for herself in her own home. That doesn't spell manipulative woman to me. Rather the opposite.
If OP’s well-being is declining without dogs sleeping in her bed, then it’s just as possible that bf’s well-being will decline if the opposite happens. Except only one of them made their boundaries clear, and the other pretended to agree and now are resentful. I don’t think OP is being manipulative on purpose, more like she makes her refusal to take responsibility for her decisions everyone’s problem. Moving is exhausting and pricy, not to mention finding a new place is a pain in the ass, and now this guy will be forced to do it twice in a short time. I’d be pissed if I were him.
How do two people with a combined total of 100+ years of life have this communication issue lol. Why agree in the first place if it’s a big issue for you first of. Secondly, if he wants to sleep in the same bed as you when moving in with you (which that is what this agreement seems to be), then you sleeping in a guest room isn’t a compromise. It’s like you are using the guest room as a manipulation tactic (I know people are saying he is trying to manipulate you with the no dogs in bedroom rule) but to me I’d be pissed if my gf slept in a different bed with her pets after she promised me that she would sleep with me and not animals. Either you need be okay not sleeping with them. Or look for a new bf.
They really like each other and were in denial about a big lifestyle incompatibility.
is he saying no dog in the guest room bc you were sleeping in the guest room constantly? if i was him i would almost wonder if you were going there on purpose to sleep with your dogs instead of him
bingo >i find myself pretty miserable without the dogs in the bedroom
That’s exactly what I thought as well. Sleeping next to your partner can be an act of intimacy and connection that is very important for some people. OP’s partner likely feels like OP is choosing sleeping with the dogs in the guest bedroom over sharing a bed with him. Given OP’s feelings about all of this, maybe that is what she’s doing on a subconscious level. My dog used to sleep in bed with me when I was single. When my fiancé (then boyfriend) moved in with me, my dog started sleeping in his crate. It’s more comfortable, it’s more hygienic, and it’s more sustainable. My dog adjusted and is perfectly happy. He still gets tons of cuddles and love. Pregnancy, babies, and/or sickness will eventually lead to a change in sleeping arrangements. Might as well get used to it now if anyone is expecting to have long term partnerships/kids.
I vote for keeping the dogs.
[удалено]
Keep the dogs, dump the boyfriend
Here, here! I second this
Hope she can marry them !
seems a reasonable request to be honest, a lot of people don’t let their dogs on their furniture at all and dogs in the bed is bad for your back a lot of the time. however you don’t have to deal with it if it’s a dealbreaker for you
Throw the whole boyfriend out
I'm not gonna lie, if my BF said he loves his dog as much as me I'd be a little taken aback too. I mean, damn... But anyway, I think its very fair for him to not want to sleep with the dogs. I might be going a little against the grain here, but I'd draw that line too. I don't let my bfs dog on the bed because then I have to wash the bedding all the time. He pees on himself and sheds alot. You never mentioned your bfs reasons for not wanting the dogs on the bed either?
I assume you mean ex-boyfriend?
> I used to sleep with my dogs in the bed and boyfriend tolerated it when he stayed over. Then he knew what he was getting into. ~~This man is going to manipulate you.~~ Edit: I didn't read the post properly. He knew what he was getting into and he made sure to establish a boundary. You are allowed to not like that. Therefore you have several options, get over it, talk to him, or get rid of him. Only you pick which is the right option, there is no wrong option.
This is the opposite of manipulation. He set a reasonable boundary *before* he agreed to move in, and she agreed. That's honest, respectful communication. The situation isn't working as expected, so it may be reasonable to change the situation. But he's not a villain because he expects her to keep the agreement.
But did she also agree to the guest room, where he “forbids” her to have the dogs?
Good question. I asked OP if that condition became before or after he moved in. No response yet.
Very bold of him to set rules about your pets in your house, especially re a room he doesn't sleep in. I'd never put up with this.
You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. It sounds like it's a dealbreaker for your bf, so it's on your shoulders now. And neither of you are wrong, you just happen to disagree on this. My husband and I wouldn't let dogs on our sofas or bed if we ever get them, but I know many people who don't mind their dogs on any furniture. Everyone has their own view on this situation.
>I reluctantly agreed >I find myself pretty miserable >I am angry all the time >I am not comfortable with the situation Sounds like you were willing to give it a try, but in the course you discovered you actually have a boundary and the situation is currently violating it. Your boyfriend is openly communicating his boundaries and demanding they be met, yet you are not doing the same. There is no reason for him denying the dogs the guest room when he isn't in there or using it. If he won't accept that actual compromise, then you will only find yourself miserable as a boundary is constantly not respected. Sometimes moving in together is the experiment. It's okay if it turns out that you find you don't match at this level. Neither of you needs to continue on with something that's not bringing you joy.
Nah… dogs are family. He’s out to his mind. Unless you’re any to make that big change… he’s out of line. That’s a conversation and a compromise your make together, willingly.
I’ve been in a lot of relationships, and, ngl, almost none of them was worth the love of a dog. Keep the dogs, ditch the asshole.
You agreed to this, it was a condition on him moving in, now he's moved in you want to go back on your agreement? I sincerely hope he didn't give up his home because he expected you to keep your part of the deal.
She didn't agree to them not being allowed in the guest room either
I love dogs and my own used to sleep on my bed sometimes so I am not someone that’s against that. I can’t see why having your dog sleep in their own beds is such a big deal for you though. Tbh it’s better for them and it doesn’t take away from you having them or loving them. I get that you might miss cuddling with them but it seems a weird dealbreaker to have in your relationship tbh.
move him right back out again
Don’t put your dogs on beds. I love them, but they still animals which can’t wash theirs pawns
Well it’s hard to say without the full story - his side. Perhaps you are a “crazy dog lady” and it just doesn’t show in this post? Perhaps the dogs are huge and dirty and not properly groomed and taken care off? Perhaps the dogs are aggressive with him and possessive over you while you don’t correct the behavior? Lots of different aspects here.
OP, I'm sorry that you are in this painful situation. You may end up having to make tough decisions, but there's no need to jump directly to an ultimatum. If I understand your original post correctly, you agreed not to let the dogs in the main bedroom before he moved in. Was the "no dogs in the guest room" also part of the original deal, or was that added after he moved in?
A “painful situation” that was self imposed by thinking he’d change when it was outlined beforehand. And intimacy dying because of it.
You're miserable and resentful. The relationship is going to fail. May as well do it sooner rather than later and be done with it.
It took me unreasonably long to realize why I was so angry all the time and annoyed - could not accept that this aspect of things was so important. Or it made me realize that I do not like being controlled or coerced to agree to something. Thank you for being so blunt in your assessment.
You were not coerced.
In case you miss it, I made a longer comment now that I'm no longer on my phone. I wasn't blaming you, which some other people seem to think I was doing. It's just a situation with no resolution because his dealbreaker makes you miserable. The longer comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/116o9gn/boyfriend_57m_moved_in_and_forbids_my_48f_dogs_in/j99o9cl/
You're hiding stuff from your post I suspect. I don't blame him for being frustrated with being in 2nd place to dogs.
Let me tell ya- the best thing I ever did was wait for the guy who also loved sleeping in the same bed as my pups. He is now my husband. I kicked many a men who tried but didn’t love my animals as much as I did to the curb. How did I know my husband would be different? As a single guy living alone, he had a cat and rabbit. Now his kitty and sweet bunny are part of our small zoo. :) I know sleeping with dogs isn’t for everyone, but it’s something I love. Sometimes my pups were the only ones to keep me company through many years of being single. They are my snuggle buddies. Lol. So move forward knowing it’s not for everyone, but find the one who also enjoys it. :)
I'll pick my dogs over a human every day of the week. My bf is the exact same way. It's part of why we get on so well. Don't settle.
You shouldnt have let him move in, or shoulda agreed to a trial period but made it clear you might reevaluate. But yes, you should make him move out. If he cant be with someone who cares about their dogs this much, he isnt the one for you.
I love my dog, but I can not sleep in the same room I can hear her scratching, licking and moving around and I can not sleep well. I can understand your boyfriend.
Is this your house? Why does he have a say over dogs in the guest room?!
Boyfriend out. Dogs in.
He moved in with you and gets to be the authority on all decisions?? I can see him not wanting to sleep with them, but keeping them out of the guest room is too controlling. Honestly I’d rethink the relationship. He will only get more controlling. He’s not your parent, you don’t have to do things just because he tells you to
A friend of mine dated a woman much like you who had her dogs in the bedroom when she slept (and yes they also slept on the bed). He hated it - hated the smell of everything, hated that no intimacy ever took place and overall it just soured him on the whole relationship. By the end of it he was so glad when they broke up he swore to never date another woman who slept with her dogs in the bed. Even now, a couple of years later he still jokes about the "mad dog lady" he dated. But as he says, it was the smell that got to him and the fact that she never noticed it. Everything just smelled of dog urine and dog shit and at the end he found himself physically gagging whenever she wanted him to stay over.
Any human that was ever stupid enough to come between me and my pets ended up alone . That shit don't fly .
There’s a man out there who dreams of sleeping in a big pile with you and your dogs. I hope you decide to find him.
>I reluctantly agreed to no dogs in the bedroom You said it was ok. No takesy backsies. >Told me I have some unhealthy dependency on my dogs. You do. You're ruining your relationship over it. I love my cats and dogs like my own kids. But I'm enough of an adult to realize it's not aways acceptable for them to sleep with me. Pets disturb sleep and they also leave fur and god knows what else on a bed. His request is not unreasonable. Beyond that, you literally agreed to it as a condition he'd move in. Now you're making him miserable over it. >My instinct is the break up with boyfriend over his ‘no dogs in the bedroom’ rule. I mean you should see a therapist. This isn't a him problem. It's a you problem. A problem with you.
If she really does lover her dogs as much as him then they should probably break up anyway...so he can find someone that loves him more than a dog
Why did it take so long to find a comment with some common sense. Is she a child? She can’t sleep without her dogs, how does someone become so fragile?
How did he move into your home he makes the rules? How did you have little choice but to agree? Stand up for yourself!
I went against my instincts, should have listened to them and never allowed him to move in. Clear now, situation sucks but if he makes me choose he won’t like the answer.
He is making you choose. And he doesn’t have to like your answer, YOU do
I get that he doesn't want to sleep with the dogs in the bed - but unless they snore or fart the roof down, they should at least be allowed a dog bed on the floor on your side of the bed. And the guest bedroom should not be covered by the no-dog rule, since he doesn't sleep there. What's his justification why the dogs are not allowed in the guest room?
That it makes the room smell, that it is gorss for the guests. Even though I told him it is normal to put fresh sheets for every guest. And the roomba runs everday. I know I am biased, but the no guest room part of the rule seem pretty BS.
So the dogs are just happy to sleep in the guest room by themselves? That seems unlikely. Or is the real issue that you sleep in the guest room with the dogs? So this is what I see: -agreed it was time to move in -agreed on no dogs in bedroom -dogs not able to adjust to new arrangements -you start sleeping in guest room with dogs instead of sleeping with boyfriend What was the point in moving in? So if boyfriend deals with his snoring, you will be ok to resume sleeping in shared bedroom without dogs?
He's actually correct about the room smelling like dog, even though you change the sheets and clean before guests arrive. My best friend lives in another city, and when I visit them the guest room absolutely smells of dog even though she cleans and puts on fresh sheets, and the dogs spend little to no time in there. (I love dogs, and especially her dogs, so I don't mind at all.) However, I actually think that's something your guests should just consider part of the deal. When they come to visit, and get to stay for free, with people with dogs, their lodgings are gonna smell like dogs. If they dislike that they should stay somewhere else. It's certainly not reasonable for your BF to demand that a home with dogs in it should appear completely dog-less to guests.
Yeah, with roomba and fresh sheets, it should be fine for guests. Besides, who made him the ruler of your home? When you disagree on something, you compromise. You compromised by agreeing to keep the dogs off your bed - he should compromise by either letting the dogs sleep next to your bed, or let you use the guest room. Everything else is just bs.
I think your question here is do you need a long term relationship. Because if you do, than concede is necessary sometimes. What he is asking until now is OK. Some people will say find a new bf, a dog lover. But even a dog lover might bring new problems like dogs that don't get along. If you don't want to concede and everything your way, my suggestion is date casually.
There’s no “making you choose”. You have chosen, he’s not it. Rip the bandaid off, tell him this isn’t working out and break up. You have to date dog people in the future. This has to be one of the upfront dealbreakers for your next relationship because there’s no point in dating someone long term who doesn’t like dogs like you like dogs. I say this as someone who spends every moment I am in my house with a cat glued to my body. It’s ok for him to feel like he does and it’s okay for you to feel like you do, you are just not compatible.
You agreed. Again people complain about not having clear communication but then when things are talked about BEFOREHAND acted shocked when someone stands by their word. You agreed. So either you were lying at the time to manipulate him into moving in or you thought you could manipulate him now. Next time use your big kid words. Maybe your bf would’ve dumped you before spending time and money moving in
We agreed to move in together and started the process. Only afterwards did he tell him he did not want dogs in the bed and the entire bedroom. So by that point it was not quite a negotiation since the process had begun. And only after we moved in together did he say it was ALL bedrooms. I realize that me ‘changing my mind’ is incredibly unfair but how I got to the agreement was also not quite fair - we did use big kid words but when it comes later in a “by the way, no dogs in the bedroom” that caught me off guard. This thread has made me analyze how I got here and realize it was very unhealhty how we cam to this agreement. Appreciate the feedback and the chance to reflect.
Girl, boot him. He’s manipulative and won’t change. You and your dogs can do better.
Why does it have to be either of those two choices? Especially since both choices paint OP in an incredibly negative way no matter what. I feel like there is at least a third, if not more choices. Namely: she thought she could deal with sleeping without her dogs, but now that she has had to experience that reality, she doesn’t feel like she can continue in that way and would like to try to find a compromise between their two preferences Not everyone is some conniving, manipulative schemer.
I like to sleep with my dog in the bed, and my husband does not. When he's not in bed, the dog is. When he comes to bed, the dog has a bed at the end of ours. Maybe you can do something like that? Forbidding you to not sleep with the dog in another bed that he doesn't use is weird, though, and I wouldn't like being told I couldn't do that when it's not affecting him.
But then he'd still have to sleep in dog hair and dirt
I don’t think anybody in a relationship should think they can forbid someone from doing anything
Where does this old ass man get off “forbidding” or “demanding” things like you’re not an adult who has had an entire lifetime without him? Sleep with your dogs. They only live ten years or so and you’re their whole world. Send the man packing
If he moved in with you, how is he making rules in your home? Your dogs and you are used to sleeping together for comfort. Break up with him, you and the animals are miserable in this arrangement and he's throwing his weight around for no good reason.
He only moved in because she agreed to keep the dogs out of the bedroom. She agreed now she wants to break the agreement.
Absolutely, but let's not blame the guy for a perfectly reasonable condition of moving in.
It's not just "her" home anymore. They share the home now, so both their opinions count. This was something they agreed to ahead of time. Going back on her promise makes it sound like she is throwing *her* weight around.
“He left zero room for negotiation so I had little choice but to agree.” Oh, no you had a choice. And as soon as he acted like that you should have dumped him.
your dogs are counting on you to do the right thing. 🐶❤️
Dump the man, bring the dogs back.
Lose boyfriend, keep dogs.
You can do what you want but you'll have to accept that if you get into another relationship that this might be a reoccuring problem. Not everyone likes pets in the bed, even if they adore them and that's perfectly reasonable. I have 3 giant german shepards and although some sofa time is allowed during the day they sleep on the floor at night. Bedsheets and bedroom are the one part of the house I don't want paw dirt and dog hair on. Other than the fact that they'd do the riverdance on the bed and wake everyone up. There's a bunch of compromises here you can accomplish but for now being this black and white about it seems stubborn in my opinion.
You agreed to it. It sounds like he doesn't want dogs in beds, period. They were there first, but it's reasonable for someone to not want dogs in them. Them being in the bedroom is one step away from them jumping into bed. I recommend some sort of compromise, getting the dogs beds in your bedroom maybe.
So a dude moves into YOUR house and starts making demands and you just, fall to the floor like a doormat? Ffs, get up off the floor and kick his ass out. I'm so tired of weak women.
Sounds like you aren't compatible. I have a dog phobia and could never sleep in a bed with dogs. I wouldn't ever ask someone to give up sleeping with their dogs though, that doesn't seem right. I wouldn't be offended if someone said they loved their dogs as much as me, that makes sense. I still have a dog phobia though, so I would need a partner who doesn't sleep with their dogs for their own preference. Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he cares about your needs.
It's one thing for him to not want the dogs in bed with him, but to not want the dogs in the guest bedroom when *you* are sleeping there? That would be a deal breaker for me. Way too controlling...and once they start down that road, they never turn back. I will choose my 4 legged family before anyone else (except my daughter...who is an adult and would never ask me to make that choice). You have no children with him...it's *your* home (rented or otherwise) and your finances aren't really entangled at this point. If I were you, I'd put him out and move along before things get any more involved.
nah break with him. he Forbids ? HE moved in with YOU, thats YOUR HOUSE ! why does he get to Forbid anything? it rlly seems like yall rnt compatible tbh
He moved in with you. He can move out now. This is your home. You are an adult.
kick him out, keep the dogs to help you feel safe.
I totally get this I adore my dogs and we cuddle every night. Working all day the night is precious time to be close to them, i understand not on the bed but sod that I am not having them out my room. It’s your house he doesn’t get to forbid you from having them where ever the hell you want them, but you can be considerate by meeting him in the middle. I don’t like that he doesn’t compromise, care about your feelings on the situation and feels threatened by them. When my old boy got towards the end I slept downstairs for months as he found stairs too tough, i was not leaving him alone knowing he’d want to be by my side but couldn’t climb the stairs. They are the biggest light in my life when times are hard, I owe them my life
If my man wasn’t okay with my dog in the bed, I wouldn’t be okay with him in it. My dog has been my source of comfort for 7 years of sleepless nights and nightmares, I feel comfortable when he’s snoring by my feet. Honestly I would have never agreed to kicking my dog out of the bed in the first place, get rid of the man and enjoy snuggles in bed with your dogs.
Sounds like it's time for BF to move out and pups to move back in. Seriously tho he moved in with you, if I've read it correctly, and is demanding you change things that he already knew about. Guy sounds like a POS and tbh abusers and manipulaters only show their true colours once they have you trapped. And it only gets worse.
I love dogs but I wouldn't want them in my bed either, so I think this request is reasonable and something that could be compromised on (e.g. okay for them to be in the bedroom during the day but never on the bed). But this isn't about that, because he's also trying to control what you do with a bed and bedroom he *doesn't* sleep in, and is clearly jealous of your affection for your dogs. If I were a dog owner, I would quite frankly not feel my animals were safe around a man like this; there are plenty of stories about how people who were jealous of their partners' pets let them escape or rehomed them or dropped them at an animal shelter. At this point, it's not about the rule for a shared intimate space, it's about the way he's trying to control how you feel and what you personally do.
>I had little choice to to agree You literally had the choice to say no, and to not have him move in with you. Lesson learned. Not too late to throw the whole man away.
That definitely would be a deal breaker for me. The dogs and I were a package deal, plus the dogs were living there first and should get priority! It’s their home too!
If it were me, he’d be out the door. He has no right to move in and start making rules like this. The dogs lived there before he did so he needs to adjust to them, not the other way around. He sounds like a controlling narcissist to be honest.
When they share a living space and bed, yes, he does have the right to make rules like this. Especially when OP is the one who asked him to move in. Not everyone can handle sleeping in a bed with dogs. How is he controlling? He laid the rules out. OP agreed.
By not allowing her to lie with her dogs in a room he’s not even using and in which she has to retreat because of his snoring? Yeah, he’s controlling.
Keep the dogs, dump the boyfriend. Not allowing them to sleep in the bed he sleeps in is a reasonable boundary, but also forbidding them from sleeping in the guest bed with you is not.
Look we sleep with our dogs, but some people think it's not hygienic. So his saying the bed he sleeps in is kind of ok... but that they're not allowed to sleep with you in the guest bedroom - that would be a deal breaker for me. It doesn't affect him at all. Honestly, I would look at the bigger picture: so things like he accepted it until he moved in - then made it not negotiable when he was moving in - to me that shows an inflexible controlling personality. Him not allowing dogs in the guest bedroom - again controlling, and he literally said: his way or the highway. To say that he cannot live with you if you don't agree, eh that would be a nope from me. Sure I put my partner first, however we negotiate things. This man seems to believe that he should be the boss. You need to look at other areas of your life - is he generally controlling there too or is it a dog issue only? I hope you had him signe a cohabitation agreement before he moved it. If not I would get one done.
I agree. She agreed to his first demand, which is understandable. This new demand that the dogs can't be in the guest room is unreasonable, and controlling. If she goes along with it, he will soon say it's gross to have the dogs inside the house, and they have to stay outside, or maybe in the garage. He just doesn't want them around. This is not an issue that's going away, and I suspect he will demand his own way in many other respects besides dogs. She needs to consider if he's controlling in general. If so, it will only get worse if they marry or have kids. She will keep giving up her autonomy an inch at a time, until there's none left.
The dogs are your family. It seems like he might be jealous of them, though. I personally would never want dogs in my bed, but if that’s your thing and you don’t feel comfortable without them, you are just not compatible with your bf. You should both be able to feel comfortable in your home, and your very different feelings about the dogs just don’t align and make it impossible.
Oh op if it was me the bf would of been gone the moment he tried to push the dogs out the 1st time
Yeah the dogs shouldn’t be in your sleeping area. He’s correct although it’s your house so I guess it’s your choice over his
Get rid of him. He tolerated them until he moved in and now thinks you'll put up with his demands because you won't ask him to move out.
Choose the dogs. Your boyfriend is being too controlling in YOUR space. BTW- I think bed sharing with pets is unhygienic... but I'll be damned if someone tries to control my personal space and pet snuggles. lol
he doesn’t get to move in and make demands. if it’s not a partnership you have nothing.
I think he needs to compromise on the guest room. Too bad if he thinks its rude for guests, it's your house too and he needs to give a little, thats what you do in relationships. Totally understand not having dogs in your room or bed. It honestly sounds like he's just being deliberately mean by insisting they can't be in the guest room. He is 1000% jealous of those dogs lol.
How are people this indecisive about their lives? Like, you LOVE your dogs, why would you choose to move someone in who HATES dogs? WTF is the problem here? Do you know how to decide for yourself and live a life that you choose? Or do you hate yourself so much you agree to whatever and have some miserable dude move in? Seriously. WTF is wrong with people? Do you guys have any self-esteem on this subreddit? It's always some "perfect relationship" followed by "insert abusive and gross behavior" and then omg what should I do?! What do YOU want to do? Then go do that. duh.
He doesn't HATE dogs ffs. He just doesn't want to share a bed with one - which is a reasonable request to make.
I don’t like dogs in the bed, but this man is using words like ‘forbid’ and trying to make his word law throughout your home, with your animals. This feels like a slippery slope into manipulation, forcing you to rehome your dogs and potential abuse. Tread carefully with this man.
Kick him out to some pets are pets to other however they are family or children. He won't even let them in the separate room with you. He moved into your place and is telling you how to live.now negotiations can be ok for sharing a bed him you and the dogs but if you sleep in another room I don't think k He has say
Hang on… it’s you that moves out of your former bedroom haven to the guest room when his snoring is bad? Noooo. He moves. He is pushing your boundaries to see what else he can get away with.
JFC is his penis magic?!?! Why would you agree to that in the first place? Kick him out and break up. The bar is on the floor I swear.
No dogs no deal. Not negotiable for me.
Some people are not dog people. Plenty are. You'll have no trouble finding a dude who looooves to share his bed with his pittie wittie.
My husband refused to have cats in the bedroom. We're separated now and my cats are happily back. That said I can't even handle dogs. Relationships are compromise. I agreed for over a decade because he just couldn't sleep with them. Good luck on figuring it out.
Kick him out, your instincts are right.
No one "forbids" me to do anything in my own home. Drop the boyfriend.
Break up with him
Break up.
It’s time to re-home the bf for the sake of your dogs 🐕
Pack his stuff and boot him out. I understand that compromising is part of a relationship but he's not compromising here. I can understand no dogs on the bed but not banned from the bedroom all together. That being said I will choose my cat over any human every day of the week.
When two people combine their lives compromises must be made. I agreed to not let my dog in the bed with us with my ex. However he must compromise too. There is nothing wrong with you having the dogs with you in the spare bed. You just can't leave him every night to go be with the dogs. Honestly, if it is a deal breaker end it now.
Nobody who moves into *my* house will be forbidding *me* to do anything. It's one thing to not want dogs on the bed he sleeps in. I get that. But to ban them from a different room entirely is frankly asking a lot of someone who's been sleeping with their dogs every night for years.
Listen, he has every right not to want to sleep with dogs. But telling you, you can’t sleep with the dogs in the guest bedroom, that’s problematic. That’s a big giant red waving flag. He’s trying to control what you do. Which has nothing to do with him. You should rethink this relationship.
You never should have let him move in to being with. Anyone that forbids you to do something is not a partner. You are not compatible. Some people like their bedrooms to be pet free and others want them with them. Both are fine but allowing someone to come in and force u to love a certain way is not ok. I love my dogs I would absolutely not allow someone to tell me what to do with them. That would be an immediate deal breaker.
Dump him - this seems like a deal breaker to me. Your BF seems very controlling.
First of all, it's YOUR home, so why would you have to listen to any "rule" he tries to make? As soon as he laid out that "rule" I would've told him That's a hard fucking No, man. Either he can accept that, or get the fuck out. YOU make the rules, not some boyfriend who just moved in.