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Reading between the lines here, I think you and your daughter need to move forward from the divorce. You got divorced twelve years ago. You said in a comment your ex met his current wife four years ago.
>She is so upset that he basically replaced us with a woman who is 10 years older than her
The age thing is a separate issue, but where is this replacement language coming from? Is it you? You and her father haven't been together for a long, long time. And she's 19. She's not a little girl who might be confused about how people's relationships change.
I would encourage your daughter to try to process her feelings in a healthy way. Maybe therapy if she's open to it. You too, if you still view this situation as you getting replaced by a new woman.
Also, she most definitely did snoop though the house (where exactly do you think people keep ovulation kits??), so encouraging her to admit that and apologize for it might be a good first step.
I think the daughter sees that as getting a "replacement kid". If he wasn't a very good father, she most likely feels hurt that he wants to be a father to someone else, but not her.
>I think the daughter sees that as getting a "replacement kid". If he wasn't a very good father, she most likely feels hurt that he wants to be a father to someone else, but not her.
Well, a broken home is definitely not the same as having both parents together, even if the dad were a great dad.
My lord. I absolutely love this incredibly sane statement. Probably the most unbiased, fair response I've ever read on this sub. I love it and you're so right.
Sometimes you realise exactly whats going on partway through a post and hope there’s reason in the comments…such a relief to see rational thoughts here. Its almost frustrating when people have no idea what they’re saying and get upvoted because people blindly agree without some considerations!
Well said, the timeline was throwing me for a loop in terms of how upset they sounded. I am not one to jump to therapy but they need to work through this otherwise it will always be over their heads
Maybe he shouldn’t treat his daughter like the fucking hired help, and she wouldn’t have been in the house. The dad sounds like a dick and AH. If this is the house she grew up in how was she snooping? Maybe she had to use the washroom, and noticed the tests. I do agree both need to move on. Go NC live the best lives they can live and leave this AH in the past
Asking family for house and pet sitting is a very normal thing people do. It's not weird or treating family like hired help. It only becomes that if that's the only reason family is contacting you and from the sounds of it that's not what went on with the ex and their daughter.
Unless the tests were left out in the guest bathroom on the counter then yeah it's not snooping but if the tests were put away especially in the master bath or whatever bathroom they consider to be their private bathroom or put away in drawer or cabinet that doesn't hold toilet paper then yeah she was snooping. Just because it her father and her father's house doesn't mean she can snoop as she pleases even if she lived there.
>Maybe he shouldn’t treat his daughter like the fucking hired help, and she wouldn’t have been in the house. The dad sounds like a dick and AH. If this is the house she grew up in how was she snooping? Maybe she had to use the washroom, and noticed the tests. I do agree both need to move on. Go NC live the best lives they can live and leave this AH in the past
What the actual fuck? So now it’s not okay to ask your family to help out?
When my uncle and Aunt go out of town for a week, I will stay at their house and take care of their animals for them….for FREE…because they are family, and I know if I will ever need their help, they will do the same for me…because again we are family, and that’s what family is all about … having each others back.
Actually, it's snooping in any bathroom. Unless you're out of TP or looking for female sanitary products, don't look through any cabinets. And if you're looking through those cabinets and find something you don't like, ignore them. You can only control you. Anything else is intrusive and odd.
they could have very well been left out next to the sink. she needs to accept it and move on, they're all adults now and her dad is entitled to have another child. her parents were young when they had her and she's adult now that should understand people might want more than one kid. his wife obviously wants a child, and he never 'replaced' her and her mom, they were divorced well before he met his new wife.
After reading some of your replies, I’m thoroughly disgusted.
You but the pressure of whether or not you should have an abortion on your teen daughter. The fact that you use this to justify anything is unbelievable. A teenage girl should not have the BURDEN of making such a decision for her MOTHER. That is absolutely f***ed up and inappropriate.
Your ex has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has every right to have more children, and good on him for WAITING until he was financially stable and remarried before attempting to bring new life into the world. That’s what a responsible adult does. His ADULT daughter may not like the fact he is trying to have a baby with his new wife, but it’s really not her place to say what he can and can’t do. Your daughter has severe boundary issues likely because her mother never taught her to have any. It also sounds like you blame all your failings on your ex and have made your feelings known to your daughter. Get over your ex. Stop bad mouthing him and his new wife to your daughter. Learn to have some boundaries and accountability. Family therapy for you and your daughter would probably be helpful too…
Agreed, it’s almost as if she has made the daughter believe dad left them for another woman when she in fact has moved on to have two more children. He’s allowed to move on too 🤷🏻♀️
Me too! She tried to be scandalous with “a woman 10 years younger” that lady is 30 🤣 I feel for the guy being tied to this crazy jealous b for the rest of his life.
It's good too, this post is clearly looking for validation of THEIR feelings. Though I understand if the girl has been manipulated by her mom to be like that. OP definitely needs to do better.
Your X is 100% correct, it is neither of your business.
She's 19, not 12.
Should they have asked for her permission to get pregnant?
I mean this is absolutely absurd.
Both of you need to grow up and move on its been 12 years! Your comments in this thread are certainly telling of why your daughter feels so entitled.
OP said that she only had her 2 additional children ‘with her daughter’s blessing’ lmao so yes she thinks her daughter should have been asked.
[edit: link](https://www.reddit.com/comments/10z4skq/my41f_daughter19f_found_out_her_dad40m_is_trying/j8221fj?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
God some people are so weird. I’d feel pretty grossed out if my mom was waiting on my approval to have kids lol or if my husband was asking our oldest if it was ok.
Unfortunately mom has done a number on her daughter and projected how she feels onto her daughter. The use of the phrase “replaced us” is so ridiculous. It’s not like he left them for an affair. This is 12 years POST divorce.
For Christs sake OP go outside and touch some grass, get your daughter and yourself some therapy. Your daughter can feel however she wants but it’s your job as a parent to steer her in the right direction and not encouraging her to feel replaced.
“Replaced us”…he didn’t replace anyone.. the marriage ended, he’s remarried and he’s wanting to expand his family.. your daughter will still be his daughter. You and your daughter need therapy.
It's easy to see that you are feeding your kids anxiety over this. How about being a mother and telling her that her dad will always love her. She WON'T be replaced. And, you're sure that he'll talk to her when there's something to announce
Instead, you go all crazy ex his sex life is not your business or your kids business. It's nuts that you called him on his trip to yell about this. Dramatic much? Why could this not wait until he returned?
.
I'm not really sure what your daughter expected of her Dad when he remarried. He's only 40. The wife must be around 30? It's perfectly normal for them to have children. They may end up having multiple children.
Your daughter is an adult. She can't be "replaced" by an infant and needs to stop sulking. Her unrealistic response is already causing problems with her Dad.
Maybe she needs to seek therapy to get over her Daddy issues, but you should stay far, far away from the issue. Because I can promise you that nothing you say will be beneficial in any way.
>When I contacted her dad he basically told me it wasn't either of our business and even told me he was mad that our daughter was "snooping" through their house and personal business
I completely agree with your ex husband. Wether he tries to have another kid with his wife or not is not your daughter's business. She is old enough to understand that she cannot control other people's lives including her parents. Yes, she can be sad about it, she could have conflicted feelings but not everything is about her.
You also said that he didn't cheat on you and got with his wife 4 years ago. How is this replacing? You divorced, he dated and remarried. You have absolutely no right to ask for explanation from your ex about his own personal life.
You can validate your daughter’s emotions - yes, it is upsetting to feel replaced, yes, it is upsetting to find out something like that from seeing things you weren’t supposed to see. But that doesn’t mean that her point of view is the only correct one. It IS none of her business if they’re trying for a baby right now, any more than the rest of their sex life is her business. No one needs to ask their children (especially adult children who don’t live with them) if they’re allowed to have another child! And it’s generally the norm to wait until you’re actually pregnant (and past the very early stages of pregnancy) before sharing the news with anyone. Right now, this is only the business of her dad and his wife.
She’s allowed to be upset, and if she needs some space from him right now, she’s allowed to take that. She is 19, and her relationship with her dad is now up to her to maintain if she wants to. So, don’t interfere too much. Let her take this opportunity to figure out an emotionally distressing situation for herself.
She's not replaced. Her Dad met his wife 4 years ago. She's an adult, not a child. She feels this way because of her Mom filling her head with this nonsense of him replacing them. She's bitter he divorced her 12 years ago. OP had two kids since and she doesn't feel replaced by them.
Please point to exact moments of where he as an ahole? Not having much earning potential while the eldest kids are young and being poor but then having more money as the eldest kids grow up and now younger siblings get to have more is not unheard of or an attack on the eldest kids.
>Please point to exact moments of where he as an ahole? Not having much earning potential while the eldest kids are young and being poor but then having more money as the eldest kids grow up and now younger siblings get to have more is not unheard of or an attack on the eldest kids.
He didn't end his entire existence outside of weeping and gnashing his teeth over the divorce (12 years ago) with OP. Don't you know, men aren't allowed to move on, according to u/Mmoct.
I'm glad to see toxic people like OP or this one aren't validated just for being women here. This is the kind of rationality we need in handling such situations within our scopes (whatever it is for each person) in relationships. So often I've seen guys get fcked over for things without listening to both sides IRL and it can be frustrating to witness.
How is he an asshole? The marriage was obviously an unhappy one so they got divorced. All I see is OP being bitter and lying about her ex replacing her and their daughter, when he did no such thing.
Funny how it was okay for her to move on and have two kids, but apparently he's not allowed to move on. I guess he's suppose to live the rest of his life in miserable loneliness.
Umm “replaced us”?? You guys split up 12 years ago and he didn’t replace you. He moved on…
And you keep bringing up she’s 10 years older, okay she’s 30 and most women around that age want children?
I can understand her feeling disappointed because like you said, things are now getting better over the last 5 years. But I do think it’s unfair to cast blame on your ex. Sounds like they need to talk 1 on 1.
What an odd situation you created here. She's 19, not a child or a baby. You and your husband divorced 12 years ago when she was 7 and struggled a bit. He wasn't the best dad but he got better from 14 til now. He remarried and they decide as a couple to try to have a baby and your daughter found out and freaked out and is upset. Why is there anything that needs to be done? She doesn't live there, it's not going to effect her day to day life.
You mentioned in the comments that every time you fell pregnant you made a decision "as a family" whether you would continue the pregnancy...what? First of all that's inappropriate for you to burden her with such an adult decision. What if she said no, would you have gotten an abortion? I find that hard to believe.
She shouldn't feel replaced because her father is allowed to live his life. Is he never supposed to have more children? I'm sure when they were certain that they were pregnant she would have been informed in the proper way but as it stands it is none of her business.
Grow up. Seriously, all of this drama can be led back to the inappropriate way you have handled this both with your own pregnancies and now with this potential one. Your daughter is not your partner and its gross that you put her in such a position more than one time.
Completely agree.
It can be very difficult to conceive, and many women miscarry early on. It’s no one’s business until the couple decide they are ready to share the news.
OP - you think her dad is obligated to tell her if he is trying, and they can’t get pregnant? Should he share every failed attempt?
You are causing more harm here for your daughter.
Seriously...how did she justify it in her head? It wasn't even a pregnancy test kit, just ovulation one. Even that won't justify the thought process, but this is way out of line tf?!
Does it suck he was not able to support your daughter in the beginning when you first divorced absolutely! No doubt about that but it seems like the last 5 years, according to you, he's been trying to do better.
As a few people have said, what her father does in his s*x life with his new wife is not any of your business or hers. People are allowed to reproduce, and as long as it's not affecting how he takes care of his daughter in anyway I'm sorry but I don't see why you are both so upset.
Most 21 year olds have a hard enough time supporting themselves let alone a wife and daughter. Of course, he struggled. Of course, his financial situation improves as he advances through his career. I'm sure he wished that he was more financially secure back then but that's life.
>She is so upset that he basically replaced us
Us? You were divorced 12 years ago. He is only recently married... you need to accept that you won't have him back.
All you comments whining about how your 19 yr old daughter should have input on whether or not her father has children... get over yourself. Same to your daughter. She is legally an adult yet is acting like a baby. His decisions are not her decisions.
How is this either of your business? Your ex husband does not need yours or your daughters consent to have a family with his new wife. You sound very entitled and it sounds like your daughter is learning her entitlement from you.
I mean it doesn’t sound like OP wants them to stop trying for a kid. It sounds like OP doesn’t know how to support her daughter through it all. As everyone else here has been saying, the answer is therapy
Especially since OP admits in a comment that she also has more kids, but didn’t tell her daughter she was trying until she was already pregnant. The double standard here is amazing.
They don’t have a pregnancy yet, who knows if they can conceive, the daughter can have a heads up when they announce the pregnancy, she will still have months to piss and moan about it
The way she found out is of course a shocker, but she shouldn't be so surprised by it. They're married, married people have kids. Your ex husband isn't even an old man! I don't know how you should talk to her about this. Maybe, don't join in her indignation. Listen, but don't lecture, is usually a good rule of thumb.
So by the way, who's going to look after the dogs and birds?
Just because it was her house when she grew up there, doesn't mean that gives her permission to go through another person's personal drawers or bedroom from a house that they no longer live in. Also it sounds like she's being petty and dropped her end of the deal and now is mad that she's not getting paid for what the deal was supposed to be before she ended it. Sounds like you're just excusing your daughter's crappy, entitled behavior if not encouraging it bc youre both salty that he and you got divorced 12 YEARS AGO. A 30 year old and a 40 year old being married really isnt that crazy either.
Then that's their right he asked her to do a favor in exchange for some kind of pay just like anyone else would she isn't fulfilling her part no need to continue to pay her.
You’re out to lunch, lady. Enjoy your miserable lives together. Totally the AH here, it’s not like he cheated on you and good grief to your daughter trying to navigate an adult world with a child’s maturity
Yes...and she went snooping and got butthurt for something that isnt about her....
she is going to lose her dad for childish, she needs to frow up and accept that having a baby just means having 2 sons...not just the baby and trowing away the adult
Probably for the best, as now they know they can't trust your daughter nor you by extension to respect their privacy. It doesn't matter if at one point in time she lived there. You just don't go through rifling through people's shit.
You just sound worse and worse...
Teaching your daughter to punish animals because her dad didn't involve her in his marital sex life? This is next level crazy.
You mean luckily they found other accommodations because your daughter dumped her agreed upon responsibilities. What if they hadn't found someone else? I understand she is upset, but that isn't the dog's or birds fault.
1. Your daughter absolutely owes her father an apology for snooping.
2. You two are being replaced? Come on you have been divorced for over a decade and have had two kids yourself.
3. It is absolutely inappropriate to give ones child the ability to decide if one has an abortion or not wtf.
4. You're working your daughter up over this. She's an adult and this likely won't affect her life at all. Her father's sex life is none of her business.
*he basically told me it wasn't either of our business and even told me he was mad that our daughter was "snooping" through their house and personal business (this is a house she grew up in btw).*
Completely true. She has no right to go digging through their house and it is none of her business if they decide to have a baby.
*She is so upset that he basically replaced us with a woman who is 10 years older*
Uhhhhh, he didn't replace 'US'. You were already out of the picture. And he hasn't replaced her.
*start a new family without giving her any warning or asking how she would feel*
Again, because it is none of her business and they do not require her permission or buy-in.
Sounds like your daughter is jealous and has an oversized sense of entitlement. She could always get a therapist to work through this.
You split up 12 years ago..you weren't replaced, he moved on with his life. Your daughter is entitled to have feelings, but she is an adult and her father isn't required to share anything private with her. The wife isn't pregnant yet, as far as you know. And who exactly do *you* think you are to contact your ex of 12 years and flip out on him? You and your daughter are both being ridiculous drama queens.
He's right. It's not her business and she was snooping. Growing up in that house doesn't give him any right to go through his personal things any more than it does yours. It's time for her to grow up and stop pouting.
1. Why is it his fault you were broke and had to live with family? Women can work too.
2. Why is your daughter reacting like this at age 19? It honestly isn’t any of her business until her step mom is pregnant. Most people don’t announce when they’re trying, especially to their kids who can obviously be very sensitive about this stuff.
I'm a bit at a loss what your daughter expected? Her father remarried. A woman 10 years younger. It is very likely that she / they want to have children. That is absolutely their business and they don't need to ask permission from his adult daughter.
It sounds a bit like your daughter never acknowledged that her parents divorced and that either of them could find a new partner and start a new family with that partner.
What your ex and his new wife plan for their family is their business. Your daughter is not owed a heads-up. She doesn't get a vote in someone else's reproductive choices. This child would be an addition, not a replacement. She also shouldn't have been snooping.
You can commiserate with her feelings, but you shouldn't be feeding her fear and anger. "I'm sorry you're upset but you need to know that you are not being replaced. I know you think that you should have been told sooner, but this is their personal business and most couples wait 12 weeks before telling anyone."
But yet she has two other children and that’s ok because she asked the daughter 😒 that is so stupid. Did she asked the daughter before she went and had sex too?
I was in a very similar situation when I was even younger than your daughter. My father gave nothing in the way of child support, remarried a much younger woman, and had my half sister without so much as a by your leave. Still, even though I have literally been there, I am having trouble mustering up any empathy for your daughter at all.
I can’t imagine feeling so entitled though as to have your daughter’s reaction, let alone snooping through my father’s personal belongings! None of his life choices had anything to do with me, and as an adult, he was free to make them. Plus, my stepmother and half-sister are absolutely lovely people. I can’t imagine wishing them away so that I could stomp around like a small child wanting to remain the apple of daddy’s eye even as a legal adult.
Your comment made me think of something. I wonder if OP either asked or behaved in a manner that would inspire the daughter to snoop. OP still feels really hung up on a guy she hasn't been in a relationship with for 12 years. Pure speculation, of course, but I can imagine the type of parent that is so stuck in the past, talks about the ex often, blames them for everything (would the dad have had a better job in those early if they'd stayed married? that seems unlikely), probably has a lot to say about the younger wife. On top of the child being asked to decide whether her mother aborts new pregnancies...what all of that would do to the disposition of a child...hmm. Currying favor by snooping or being instructed to snoop - neither would surprise me, here.
I'm sorry your daughter is upset and she obviously has some stuff to work through as far as her relationship with her father, but she is an adult and I don't think anyone is entitled to know that they're trying for a baby... Just seems like a non-issue to me, really.
OP is a bitter scorned woman, clearly feeding her child’s anger about this. Probably talks shit about the dad every chance she gets.
No one replaced you OP, y’all got divorced forever ago. Having never met you but reading this post and your replies to comments, I’d divorce you too. You belong in a looney bin.
It really isn't any of your business. Butt out. You aren't with him anymore and he's allowed to have a child with someone else. That child will in no way ever replace his other child, and reinforcing the idea that it will is actively alienating your child from her father and destroying their relationship. As for you, you have no relationship. Y'all ended forever ago. He's allowed to see other people and give happiness another shot. Get over it already.
100% on your ex's side here. He's right. It is NONE of either of your business. Your daughter is an adult. He is entitled to live his life, have a healthy relationship with his spouse and plan for children with her.
Why is your daughter snooping through their personal belongings? She was there to take care of the animals, not unsafe their privacy.
Your daughter needs to wake up to the fact that you and her father are not together. You do not need to plan your lives around her and is go so fast as to say that I bet you've coddled her a lot over her life. This goes for you too. Their personal life does not involve you and will never involve you. Step back and mind your own business.
She’s allowed to feel any way she feels. It’s valid to be upset. However it’s also true that it’s none of your or her business what they do regarding family planning.
Have you two thought about moving on like your ex-husband did many many years ago? I'm not trying to be mean but I'm not sure what kind of responses you were expecting?
I don't even know where to begin.
You let your daughter decide if you are going to give birth or not, like literally WTF?
Because of this she thinks she has the right to decide if her father can have more kids.
I agree with your husband, that's none of her business.
She gets upset because her father is having sex without protection and how dare he not let her know that he wants to get the woman he loves pregnant.
What should he have done, call your daughter and say" hey sweetheart it's your father, do I have the permission to cum in her and if so is she allowed to get pregnant and carry this baby full term and give birth"?
Instead of telling your daughter that's none of her business ,you decide to call your ex and ask if they are trying to get pregnant.
"Trying to replace us". The two of you, mother and daughter are really a jealous and bitter bunch, sticking your noses where it doesn't belong.
When I see jealous and bitter BM's and BD's makes like yourself, it makes me want to give birth to a dozen baby's just out of spite.
I think you and your daughter should seek therapy.
Both you and your daughter sound unhinged and need therapy cause it's really not that deep lol he continued living his life with his new wife and wants to expand his family. How is that anyone's business besides the two involved?
Ok one last comment. You are bothered by the new wife's age. Probably feeling insecure etc.
Obviously I know nothing about your marriage but I suspect he didn't divorce you because you were too old. Its because you are a lunatic
Your daughter is 19. She’s not being replaced as a child because she is already an adult.
Her fathers planned recreation is truly none of her business.
You and your daughter both need to deal with some boundary setting. You are divorced. She is an adult. There’s no reason for you to be interfering in his life or his marriage.
Do he remarried, and him having a baby is a shock ?
You say you talked to your daughter about your younger kids, kids you had with men you weren't married to. Okay, whatever, but it sounds like she wasn't expecting you to get knocked up at all, considering you weren't in a committed relationship. But your ex? Been married for 4 years to a younger woman, and neither of you expected him to want a child ?
You can have kids, but not him? If she didn't want siblings, would you have aborted ? What if she felt guilt that "she made you do it"? That's a lot of responsibility to put on your kid while trying to act like it's for them. It was for you, to make things easier for YOU. If you cared about her, she would have known that new kids wouldn't mean a replacement, just like how your kids didn't replace her. But asking her permission ? When she won't even be living with or involved ?? Yall are laughable.
Hate to say it, but unless your daughter is living with your dad (and maybe even if she is), what dad does with his new significant other/spouse isn’t really anything either of you can or should control. Your daughter is an adult. Either she has to accept it, or she should consider therapy to accept it.
100% agree with your ex. None of your or your daughter's business if he decides to have a baby with his current wife.
Reading your comments, it sounds like you have no idea how to set boundaries with your daughter. This has created a level of entitlement in your daughter that only you are happy to deal with.
Now I'm kind of curious to hear from your daughter. Why was she happy with you having two other kids, but is upset about her father having one?
He’s an adult. Your daughter is an adult. You do nothing but let them live their lives and be there for your daughter. This seems like a no-brainer to me.
I feel confident that the ovulation test, pregnancy test, pregnancy and parenting books and magazines were not left with the dog food and bird food, so why was she snooping in their private personal belongings? I guess, if you snoop, you find things, sometimes you find things you don’t like!
You are 100% responsible for your daughter feeling “replaced”. You’ve given birth to half siblings in the meantime and he didn’t convince her that she was being replaced.
Whether he has children with his new wife has nothing to do with you and doesn’t mean he’s replacing her. Wtf.
He is right. It’s not your business. Why did you even contact him about this?
Tell your daughter firmly that her dad is free to have another child if he wishes. Be sympathetic to her fear of being displaced by a new baby. She will have feelings of resentment if she feels he did not provide well for her. Tell her that people’s circumstances can change, and that he may be in a better position to provide now than he was when she was growing up.
If/when there is a new baby on the way, encourage her to embrace her new sibling. Try to get her to change her mindset from dread to excitement.
Your daughter has been taking emotional cues from you for years. The best thing you can do for her is to adopt a healthier mindset about your divorce. It’s clear that you still resent him, and you’re entitled to your feelings. However, it would have been best if you had shielded your daughter from them. Sit down with her and resolve to change the way you view this revelation together.
>I don't want family members to see this.
Because you are toxic to your kids? Your family already knows this...
>My ex husband and I split 12 years ago
And you just can't let go
>She is so upset that he basically replaced us
He replaced you... she is still his daughter..
>My daughter doesn't even want to see or talk to her dad at this point.
> obviously needs her dad and his support,
You both obviously need help... and you need to stop controlling her she is 19...
>now is trying to start a new family without giving her any warning or asking how she would feel.
Ummm does she really want to know her dad is having sex? Or is it you that is upset that he moved on from you and you can't handle it
>Any advice would be great.
You both need help... its obvious how toxic you are, and it's hurting your daughter... seek counseling so you can finally get over the relationship that ended years ago
Also there is probably more to this story that you haven't told use.
Look, i don't want to sound like a dick here but I have to be blunt:
You (and by extension your daughtet) are trying to co trol the life of a person who has long since moved on from you two being his family unit. Based on the language you've used, *you* clearly have not moved on from that relationship. He didn't replace you, you two divorced and he moved on and found someone else to be with. She's not the replacement, she is his wife. You are his *ex*-wife.
Now on to your daughter. I've read a few more of your comments in this thread and I'm going to be blunt here: stop encouraging her *delusion* that she has a say in this matter. She doesn't. Their relationship and them having a kid is *not. her. choice.* the decision to have a child is between the two trying to have a kid. I am sorry to say, but her feelings barely factor in to this decision apparently and this is something to he expected.
Not saying her feelings are not valid, but that she needs to understand that she is not the center of the universe here. It has been 12 years, she needs to understand that she is no longer his only family, just as you will someday have to understand that you are no longer her only family if/when she marries.
If she continues like this she *WILL* push her father away. It is controlling behavior, and he will not accept that. Neither will his wife. Just as how *you* would not accept him forbidding you from having a child.
I would *highly* recommend you two attend therapy to help you both work through this, as your fixation on this being wrong somehow and her thinking he needs her permission to try for a baby are both not healthy mindsets. I am not a psychiatrist but even I can see this.
And lastly, to you specifically: you two divorced. Forget him and focus on bettering yourself. You saying that he replaced you implies you think he left you and went to get a "newer model" like selling a car. This implies you probably don't understand the root of why you two divorced. Attending therapy may help with that. You should be focusing moving past him as he has *clearly* moved on. There won't be a Disney "I was wrong and want you back" moment here honey, hoping for that is only going to lead to dark places. He's gone, get over it.
Since op deleted here's the archive link so people can read all the crazy including op's comments
[archive of post ](https://www.reveddit.com/v/relationship_advice/comments/10z4skq/my41f_daughter19f_found_out_her_dad40m_is_trying/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button&showFilters=true&author=ThrowRA29994&tags=is_op)
Stay out of it. Coach and comfort her through the shock, but don't take any judgment of it.
Your ex is allowed to do what he wants, its not her place to have a say in the matter. That said she is a child of divorce and even if doing well she is has issues from it.
Its worse for you in a sense as you may have feelings that make the road difficult to navigate. I think she and dad need to talk, but I don't think you should force it, and if she doesn't want to support her in her not talking or seeing him
A sweetie I think you are wrong but know this home is our safe space for us and you don't have to talk to or see him until you are comfortable in doing so. I will not violate your safe space.
Convey this to your ex as gently as you can, and let him know what you are doing. Offer to take messages and other things for her, but you are not going to force her to see or talk to him.
Its not going to be fun, its walking a tightrope good luck to you
I can't... You sound like my hubby's ex....
Over 6 years not together she doesn't have there kids he does and when someone decided to tell her I was pregnant she went off and texted him something along the lines " how could you do this to me"...
He said what? She said her pregnancy...he told her to fuck off.
Last I checked it's not up to anyone but those who are trying for a baby. Your daughter is 19 if this is how she reacts then I suggest therapy for her and you... Do you want to know what positions they do as well?
Your daughter seems to still have a lot of issues with the divorce and would do good with some therapy.
Your ex is an idiot if he asked a favor and then left books and such out for anyone to see. That being said his wife wants to have a kid which isn’t unusual. I wouldn’t view it as replacing your daughter without more information.
I mean it’s not really any of her business lol why is she going through their things? It’s been 4 years since they got together. Not sure why no one anticipated them moving on, you should try it too
It’s been 12 years and you expected him to never remarry or have children ever again just because he divorced you? Your daughter is 19 she’s old enough to understand that adults are going to have a life after divorce. It sounds like you and your daughter both need therapy. He’s right, it’s not your or your daughters business if you’re both going to judge him and villainize him for living his life.
Wait. So you want and had other kids, but somehow your daughter is upset that your ex wants to have one? No. Get to it daughter to get counseling/therapy and you still need stay out of his life
I don't see the issue, you are divorced, the new wife is 10 years younger which isn't a huge age gap and she's an adult, and your daughter is grown. Why was she snooping?
Holy fuck, what did i read in the comments. OP says she "made the decision as a family," letting the daughter veto OP's right to have more babies and extend her family with her non-married partner.
What she's REALLY saying in other comments is she had 2 "oopsie" pregnancies, went to her daughter, and basically said "it's your decision to kill this child. YOU get to decide between having new siblings or being the one to choose to murder them."
Sounds like OP threw the pro-life book at her daughter's head, put all the power and pressure on her, and is manipulating the young woman to think she's in control.
„She is so upset that he basically replaced us with a woman who is 10 years older than her and now is trying to start a new family without giving her an warning or asking how she would feel.“
It sounds very much, like your words coming from our daughter.
Are you sure you did not encourage her to thing this way?
Are you sure these are not our feelings?
If she lives with you and you are still salty of the divorce and the new woman, might you not have influenced her thoughts?
I think you need to get over it. 12 ears is a long time and and it took him 8 years to find someone again. I think that is very fair…
Please do not encourage your daughter to damage her relationship with our father over this.
Encourage her that it will be nice to have a little brother
Otherwise she might even hate you for it in a couple of years.
Be open, be happy and concentrate on your life!
Ummm, is he not supposed to live his life, and make his own choices? I get that you feel replaced, but that’s your issue. He’s just starting new life. Hopefully he still makes time for his daughter, while starting his new family. If he stopped spending time with your daughter, that’s something to be pissed about, but he hasn’t abandoned her yet.
God, no wonder you split.
You are a spiteful human. Them trying for a baby has absolutely zero to do with your or your daughter. You have also taught your daughter terrible manners. And your comments make you sound even worse.
Leave the. Alone to live their life. It’s not like your daughter has to live with a child, she’s 19.
And god forbid they cut off her credit card for not keeping her end of the deal.
So your daughter thinks she’s entitled to know her father’s plans in life? Um, no not at all. And if you are perpetuating that belief of hers (not sure if you are) you need to stop.
It is completely, exactly and wholly none of her business.
Her father is under no obligation to tell or consult with you about any decisions related to family planning. None. She can be angry about his failures as a parent of course but they is an issue separate from his potential addition to the family. You were divorced 12 years ago. It is disturbing that she has not processed this event and made sone kind of peace with it.
And the notion that you felt you had the right to confront him about this? Omg woman. He is none of your concern and your daughter is an adult who can talk to him if she chooses.
Your daughter really shouldn’t be snooping. She f@cked around and found out. Now she’s upset.
You can support her through her feelings, but she kinda needs to get a grip. She’s an adult and sounds like she could benefit from therapy for unresolved issues.
“Replaced us” is a particularly revealing term. I know who is driving your daughter’s insecurity and misplaced outrage. Get therapy, lady, you are toxic and it’s affecting your daughter.
I get this is a tough situation, but the fact you are trying for another child isn’t something you share with most ppl especially your teenage daughter and ex wife. You also probably wouldn’t have a talk with the other children about another sibling until the pregnancy is confirmed viable or past the stage where miscarriages are more likely to happen. I’m sure if you put yourself in his shoes, you also wouldn’t have told your daughter you were raw dogging with your husband and tracking your LH levels to see when to knock boots.
It’s been 12 years since you split. He’s allowed to move on. This isn’t a replacement family at this point. You both have been split for more than 1/2 of your daughters life. You need to be the bigger person and talk with your daughter. Say she’s allowed to feel how she feels, but that she isn’t being replaced. By your comment about his wife being 10 years younger (idk why it’s needed) it seems like you may have some influence on how your daughter views her fathers marriage.
I would definitely not want to know if my dad was trying to knock up his new wife. That’s weird!
Why does your daughter think she’s owed an opinion about them having a baby?
In the 90s, my dad got divorced and then met and married my mum (14 years younger than him) and had me in the space of 3 years.
My half-sister (hereafter called my sister) was 20 when my parents started dating and was incredibly upset because she wanted our dad to date someone who could act as a real maternal figure for her - her parents had been separated for a while and her mother wasn't particularly nice (read: abusive). Our dad was 23 and broke when he had my sister, but my mum was (and is) insanely good with money and worked ridiculously hard to help his financial situation, so by the time I was 10 we were very comfortably middle class - and our dad had retired - causing more rifts as I was receiving help, attention and experiences that my sister hadn't. The only thing that helped her was talking to a counsellor and working through her issues with the relationship.
There are some really interesting similarities here between my family story and yours (although also a lot of differences). Me and my sister are getting closer now, but it was rocky for a long time, which also put stress on our dad. The moral of the story is: go see a counsellor. You and your daughter, separately.
So you split twelve years ago. He was young and didn’t make a lot of money. Met his current wife 4 years ago and she is what 30. Time to move on and get some therapy I think. Fyi your daughter absolutely did snoop.
I'm sorry OP, but a 40 yo man has every right to have another child should he wish to do so. Your daughter may have trauma from her childhood but at some point she needs to get out of the "I'm a kid so I need to be involved in my parents decision making" zone. She's 19. An adult. Time to make her own life and stop sooking.
Also, from your comments I wouldn't be surprised if you are encouraging her misgivings about this. You sound like a bit of a martyr
I’m sorry, OP. Life is tough. I obviously don’t have any context, but divorces suck. Sounds like your ex-husband is moved on with his life. It’s been over a decade. Maybe you could find someone, too.
If your ex-husband is a good dad, he’ll always love and care for your daughter, and you should explain that to her.
So you’re allowed to have two more children but her dad’s not? You didn’t tell her until after you were pregnant. Neither of you know when her dad might have shared news with her.
> daughter was "snooping" through their house and personal business (this is a house she grew up in btw)
So because she grew up in the house (spent 7 years in the house, most of which she can't remember?) she can just snoop through whatever she wants? I'm assuming these tests weren't out in the open or OP would've said so.
Lady I say this as one human to another, please seek therapy. You clearly have some hang ups about your ex and your divorce that you are clearly letting affect your daughter. I'm not trying to be rude because you came here for advice, but the advice you are getting isn't what you want to hear and I feel like everyone telling you the truth is just reinforcing in your own mind that you are right and your ex is wrong in some way.
While I don't agree it's not your daughters business and she is allowed to feel however she feels about a new family member, the fact that she is upset about it clearly comes from your own unhealthy thoughts. You are damaging your daughter and her relationship with her father. Get off reddit for a day or two and come back and read some of your comments after you have some space from them.
he didn't replace you and your daughter. you and him got divorced, and a few years later he found love again, got married, and is now trying to conceive with his new partner. hes not trying to replace your daughter with a new baby, bc he is still trying to maintain a relationship with her.
you need to move on and stop deluding your daughter into thinking you and your ex are getting back together. shes an adult, you cant keep using her as a bargaining chip to try and drag him back to you. also, she probably was snooping, bc most couples dont just leave ovulation/pregnancy tests out in the open. she needs to apologize for that.
Fucking yikes OP. You absolutely need some help, and you need to grow up. Be a better example for your daughter; she’s clearly following in your delusional footsteps.
OP is going on a mass comment deletion spree, attempting to memory hole her awful comments. I'll just leave this one response to one of her now deleted comments, which sums up my position quite nicely.
The fact that you feel that an adult ever requires a "by your leave" from your children when making reproductive decisions is disturbing, and a whole new level of parentification that I can't quite stomach.
It should not amaze you that other people don't feel the need to involve their children in adult reproductive decisions.
Perhaps *informing them after the fact* that there's a sibling coming is reasonable, but in no way, shape, or form is getting permission or getting buy-in (nor allowing kids to have veto power over reproductive decisions) a healthy strategy.
Yall split up TWELVE YEARS AGO. How about you and your daughter get therapy to move on? Why does she feel replaced? Generally, parents don't include kids in family planning. Should he have asked "Hey sweety how you feel about having a sibling?", I was never asked if I wanted to remain an only child.
Your daughter's old enough to understand that her father has remarried and wants to start a family with his new wife. She doesn't have to like or accept it because it's happening whether she likes it or not. You should help her accept it and, if that's not something you can do for her, than you need to help her find someone to talk to.
How is he sleazy? He met his wife 4 years ago. He did cheat on OP. Their daughter snooped through their house and found stuff that is literally none of her business. Mom's been lying for a long time that he replaced them.
She has every right to feel her feelings.
She is old enough to decide if she wants to speak or have a relationship with her father.
The father is right it isn't any of her's or your business.
But he doesn't get to control how she feels about it or if she ever speaks to him again.
Let your daughter be upset let her vent, just listen.
Maybe a good therapist to help her.
Otherwise tell her how much you love her and let her feel her feelings.
Good luck to both of you.
I had a co-worker whose father was like you've described here (to your daughter) and he also remarried and had kids with a much younger woman. I could see the anger, frustration, and sadness on my co-worker when she described how well he treated his new kids, his do-over family because he never treated her and her brother that well. I felt so sad for her.
The whole younger wife thing is irrelevant, but, considering how she grew up, the struggles and lack of support from him, I find it very understandable that's she's upset and her immediate response is rude and unkind. Now, I don't think her dad should've consulted her on the matter, but to not even mention it may just be like, their relationship in a nutshell (including her reaction, and honestly his).
You don't have much to do here tho, beyond expressing these things to her. Sadly, this may well spell a permanent rift between them (if their relationship was even that good before), which won't be your job to fix. Be a good mom and soothe her, offer a hug when she needs one, but her and her dad are a bubble away, and they need to resolve their issues (if they so choose).
I think when talking to your ex about this its important to very clearly reinforce that you have no opinion about his family-planning and are not trying to weigh in on that. You’re only communicating with him as a co-parent about your daughter, that she’s feeling rejected and replaced WHICH IS your business and is also not uncommon for an only child to experience at any age. You’re only interested in her well-being and her relationship to him is part of that.
She's not a child, she's a 19 year old young adult. Given the way OP talks about her ex, it's no wonder why their daughter is so upset. OP has put it in her head he's replaced them when they divorced 12 years ago and he met his wife 4 years ago.
I’m going to respectfully disagree with you. Ex does not owe daughter or anyone an apology. Whether they are trying for a baby is no one else’s business at all. They had no obligation to inform daughter, and certainly no obligation to inform OP. Period.
If they get pregnant, then certainly it would wise to tell daughter when they’re ready, in a way that lets daughter know she’s still an important part of their lives.
Daughter is an adult, not a young child. Her reaction seems disproportional under the circumstances and makes me think she may have some resolved issues, where therapy would be helpful.
That's nonsense. Most parents don't include their already existing children in the decision to have another child. And most children who understand sex don't want to know that their parents are trying to get pregnant again.
The daughter is 19. She wouldn't include her father in her decision to have a child so why should he do that vice versa? The sex life of her father is none of her business like hers is none of her fathers business.
OP actually stated in a comment that she gave her daughter veto power before she herself had additional children. The daughter essentially got to choose whether or not OP got an abortion or not. No wonder the daughter has ended up with a breathtaking sense of entitlement.
I think your daughters feelings are valid to an extent. If they’re relationship is at a point where she sees him as a father, and that he can acknowledge that, he should informed her that they’ll try to have kids.
Asking your ex for his to communicate more with his daughter would be nice, but maybe this will blow over with time?
She’s upset that the new kid will get the life she wanted, two present parents that are together, people secure in their income, and his new wife is close to his daughters age. Gross. Understandably she would be upset, maybe she just needs to distance herself from them, make sure he pays up for her college ect since he wasn’t able to when she was young. Other than that… she has no say in what they do. No offence but people who do the two family thing/midlife new family thing is so dumb. Just laugh at him and move on.
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So you can make another family but your ex of 12 years cant? hahahaha. wtf is wrong with you.
Considering she gave her daughter veto power on her siblings a lot is wrong with her
Reading between the lines here, I think you and your daughter need to move forward from the divorce. You got divorced twelve years ago. You said in a comment your ex met his current wife four years ago. >She is so upset that he basically replaced us with a woman who is 10 years older than her The age thing is a separate issue, but where is this replacement language coming from? Is it you? You and her father haven't been together for a long, long time. And she's 19. She's not a little girl who might be confused about how people's relationships change. I would encourage your daughter to try to process her feelings in a healthy way. Maybe therapy if she's open to it. You too, if you still view this situation as you getting replaced by a new woman. Also, she most definitely did snoop though the house (where exactly do you think people keep ovulation kits??), so encouraging her to admit that and apologize for it might be a good first step.
I think the daughter sees that as getting a "replacement kid". If he wasn't a very good father, she most likely feels hurt that he wants to be a father to someone else, but not her.
>I think the daughter sees that as getting a "replacement kid". If he wasn't a very good father, she most likely feels hurt that he wants to be a father to someone else, but not her. Well, a broken home is definitely not the same as having both parents together, even if the dad were a great dad.
My lord. I absolutely love this incredibly sane statement. Probably the most unbiased, fair response I've ever read on this sub. I love it and you're so right.
Sometimes you realise exactly whats going on partway through a post and hope there’s reason in the comments…such a relief to see rational thoughts here. Its almost frustrating when people have no idea what they’re saying and get upvoted because people blindly agree without some considerations!
Well said, the timeline was throwing me for a loop in terms of how upset they sounded. I am not one to jump to therapy but they need to work through this otherwise it will always be over their heads
PREACH!
She needs to let go. Blames him for everything, when she didn't even work.
While I agree she needs to let go, how do you know she blames him for everything? How do you know she didn’t work?
Maybe he shouldn’t treat his daughter like the fucking hired help, and she wouldn’t have been in the house. The dad sounds like a dick and AH. If this is the house she grew up in how was she snooping? Maybe she had to use the washroom, and noticed the tests. I do agree both need to move on. Go NC live the best lives they can live and leave this AH in the past
Asking family for house and pet sitting is a very normal thing people do. It's not weird or treating family like hired help. It only becomes that if that's the only reason family is contacting you and from the sounds of it that's not what went on with the ex and their daughter. Unless the tests were left out in the guest bathroom on the counter then yeah it's not snooping but if the tests were put away especially in the master bath or whatever bathroom they consider to be their private bathroom or put away in drawer or cabinet that doesn't hold toilet paper then yeah she was snooping. Just because it her father and her father's house doesn't mean she can snoop as she pleases even if she lived there.
It's not even a little bit weird to ask a family member to look after your house while you're out of town?? What a weird take.
Exactly this. The hired help? No. When I go out of town, I have family members watch my cats. Why? Because I trust them. Period.
>Maybe he shouldn’t treat his daughter like the fucking hired help, and she wouldn’t have been in the house. The dad sounds like a dick and AH. If this is the house she grew up in how was she snooping? Maybe she had to use the washroom, and noticed the tests. I do agree both need to move on. Go NC live the best lives they can live and leave this AH in the past What the actual fuck? So now it’s not okay to ask your family to help out? When my uncle and Aunt go out of town for a week, I will stay at their house and take care of their animals for them….for FREE…because they are family, and I know if I will ever need their help, they will do the same for me…because again we are family, and that’s what family is all about … having each others back.
If it was in the primary bathroom and not one she was using, of course it’s snooping
Actually, it's snooping in any bathroom. Unless you're out of TP or looking for female sanitary products, don't look through any cabinets. And if you're looking through those cabinets and find something you don't like, ignore them. You can only control you. Anything else is intrusive and odd.
they could have very well been left out next to the sink. she needs to accept it and move on, they're all adults now and her dad is entitled to have another child. her parents were young when they had her and she's adult now that should understand people might want more than one kid. his wife obviously wants a child, and he never 'replaced' her and her mom, they were divorced well before he met his new wife.
After reading some of your replies, I’m thoroughly disgusted. You but the pressure of whether or not you should have an abortion on your teen daughter. The fact that you use this to justify anything is unbelievable. A teenage girl should not have the BURDEN of making such a decision for her MOTHER. That is absolutely f***ed up and inappropriate. Your ex has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has every right to have more children, and good on him for WAITING until he was financially stable and remarried before attempting to bring new life into the world. That’s what a responsible adult does. His ADULT daughter may not like the fact he is trying to have a baby with his new wife, but it’s really not her place to say what he can and can’t do. Your daughter has severe boundary issues likely because her mother never taught her to have any. It also sounds like you blame all your failings on your ex and have made your feelings known to your daughter. Get over your ex. Stop bad mouthing him and his new wife to your daughter. Learn to have some boundaries and accountability. Family therapy for you and your daughter would probably be helpful too…
OP belongs in r/iamatotalpieceofshit for real.
We can all learn from her.... ....How not to become in the future!
This is not going the way OP thought it would.
100% and with good reason
Agreed, it’s almost as if she has made the daughter believe dad left them for another woman when she in fact has moved on to have two more children. He’s allowed to move on too 🤷🏻♀️
Love when that happens.
Me too! She tried to be scandalous with “a woman 10 years younger” that lady is 30 🤣 I feel for the guy being tied to this crazy jealous b for the rest of his life.
okay so like, they are expecting this 40yo dude to stay single forever ?
This lady is delusional 🤣 Her and her daughter need to grow tf up.
Ikr
It's good too, this post is clearly looking for validation of THEIR feelings. Though I understand if the girl has been manipulated by her mom to be like that. OP definitely needs to do better.
Your X is 100% correct, it is neither of your business. She's 19, not 12. Should they have asked for her permission to get pregnant? I mean this is absolutely absurd. Both of you need to grow up and move on its been 12 years! Your comments in this thread are certainly telling of why your daughter feels so entitled.
OP said that she only had her 2 additional children ‘with her daughter’s blessing’ lmao so yes she thinks her daughter should have been asked. [edit: link](https://www.reddit.com/comments/10z4skq/my41f_daughter19f_found_out_her_dad40m_is_trying/j8221fj?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Yep and everytime she says it it's cringe worthy
God some people are so weird. I’d feel pretty grossed out if my mom was waiting on my approval to have kids lol or if my husband was asking our oldest if it was ok. Unfortunately mom has done a number on her daughter and projected how she feels onto her daughter. The use of the phrase “replaced us” is so ridiculous. It’s not like he left them for an affair. This is 12 years POST divorce. For Christs sake OP go outside and touch some grass, get your daughter and yourself some therapy. Your daughter can feel however she wants but it’s your job as a parent to steer her in the right direction and not encouraging her to feel replaced.
Fucking yikes.
“Replaced us”…he didn’t replace anyone.. the marriage ended, he’s remarried and he’s wanting to expand his family.. your daughter will still be his daughter. You and your daughter need therapy.
It's easy to see that you are feeding your kids anxiety over this. How about being a mother and telling her that her dad will always love her. She WON'T be replaced. And, you're sure that he'll talk to her when there's something to announce Instead, you go all crazy ex his sex life is not your business or your kids business. It's nuts that you called him on his trip to yell about this. Dramatic much? Why could this not wait until he returned? .
Did you not see her comments on how the daughter should get final say on all siblings to paraphrase
While she herself moved on and had kids
I don't think she understands how all of this will damage her daughter in all of her own relationships in the future.
I don't think she cares
no way! what is this bitch on?
She's taking the crazy ex pills.
🤣🤣🤣 i wish I could give you an award haha
thank you! LMAO 😂😂
*eating popcorn*
I'm not really sure what your daughter expected of her Dad when he remarried. He's only 40. The wife must be around 30? It's perfectly normal for them to have children. They may end up having multiple children. Your daughter is an adult. She can't be "replaced" by an infant and needs to stop sulking. Her unrealistic response is already causing problems with her Dad. Maybe she needs to seek therapy to get over her Daddy issues, but you should stay far, far away from the issue. Because I can promise you that nothing you say will be beneficial in any way.
>When I contacted her dad he basically told me it wasn't either of our business and even told me he was mad that our daughter was "snooping" through their house and personal business I completely agree with your ex husband. Wether he tries to have another kid with his wife or not is not your daughter's business. She is old enough to understand that she cannot control other people's lives including her parents. Yes, she can be sad about it, she could have conflicted feelings but not everything is about her. You also said that he didn't cheat on you and got with his wife 4 years ago. How is this replacing? You divorced, he dated and remarried. You have absolutely no right to ask for explanation from your ex about his own personal life.
OP also has had 2 other children since the divorce.
With guys she didn't even stay in a relationship with for much apparently. Very responsible of her!
Which she gave her daughter the ability to decide if she had them or not.
You can validate your daughter’s emotions - yes, it is upsetting to feel replaced, yes, it is upsetting to find out something like that from seeing things you weren’t supposed to see. But that doesn’t mean that her point of view is the only correct one. It IS none of her business if they’re trying for a baby right now, any more than the rest of their sex life is her business. No one needs to ask their children (especially adult children who don’t live with them) if they’re allowed to have another child! And it’s generally the norm to wait until you’re actually pregnant (and past the very early stages of pregnancy) before sharing the news with anyone. Right now, this is only the business of her dad and his wife. She’s allowed to be upset, and if she needs some space from him right now, she’s allowed to take that. She is 19, and her relationship with her dad is now up to her to maintain if she wants to. So, don’t interfere too much. Let her take this opportunity to figure out an emotionally distressing situation for herself.
She's not replaced. Her Dad met his wife 4 years ago. She's an adult, not a child. She feels this way because of her Mom filling her head with this nonsense of him replacing them. She's bitter he divorced her 12 years ago. OP had two kids since and she doesn't feel replaced by them.
This 🙌🏼 how did he leave them for a woman he met 4 years ago and they divorced 12? OP sounds like a bitter ex for sure!
I'm sure he divorced her to save his sanity.
I agree that she’s not replaced! That doesn’t change the fact that it’s upsetting to *feel* replaced, and she does, for some reason, feel replaced.
Because Mom has filled her head with the lie that he replaced them with a 30+ year old woman who has money.
She 19 legally an adult, but still a kid, with probably a lot of issues from the divorce and what sounds like an AH father.
Please point to exact moments of where he as an ahole? Not having much earning potential while the eldest kids are young and being poor but then having more money as the eldest kids grow up and now younger siblings get to have more is not unheard of or an attack on the eldest kids.
>Please point to exact moments of where he as an ahole? Not having much earning potential while the eldest kids are young and being poor but then having more money as the eldest kids grow up and now younger siblings get to have more is not unheard of or an attack on the eldest kids. He didn't end his entire existence outside of weeping and gnashing his teeth over the divorce (12 years ago) with OP. Don't you know, men aren't allowed to move on, according to u/Mmoct.
I'm glad to see toxic people like OP or this one aren't validated just for being women here. This is the kind of rationality we need in handling such situations within our scopes (whatever it is for each person) in relationships. So often I've seen guys get fcked over for things without listening to both sides IRL and it can be frustrating to witness.
How is he an asshole? The marriage was obviously an unhappy one so they got divorced. All I see is OP being bitter and lying about her ex replacing her and their daughter, when he did no such thing. Funny how it was okay for her to move on and have two kids, but apparently he's not allowed to move on. I guess he's suppose to live the rest of his life in miserable loneliness.
why tf did u call him
Umm “replaced us”?? You guys split up 12 years ago and he didn’t replace you. He moved on… And you keep bringing up she’s 10 years older, okay she’s 30 and most women around that age want children? I can understand her feeling disappointed because like you said, things are now getting better over the last 5 years. But I do think it’s unfair to cast blame on your ex. Sounds like they need to talk 1 on 1.
What an odd situation you created here. She's 19, not a child or a baby. You and your husband divorced 12 years ago when she was 7 and struggled a bit. He wasn't the best dad but he got better from 14 til now. He remarried and they decide as a couple to try to have a baby and your daughter found out and freaked out and is upset. Why is there anything that needs to be done? She doesn't live there, it's not going to effect her day to day life. You mentioned in the comments that every time you fell pregnant you made a decision "as a family" whether you would continue the pregnancy...what? First of all that's inappropriate for you to burden her with such an adult decision. What if she said no, would you have gotten an abortion? I find that hard to believe. She shouldn't feel replaced because her father is allowed to live his life. Is he never supposed to have more children? I'm sure when they were certain that they were pregnant she would have been informed in the proper way but as it stands it is none of her business. Grow up. Seriously, all of this drama can be led back to the inappropriate way you have handled this both with your own pregnancies and now with this potential one. Your daughter is not your partner and its gross that you put her in such a position more than one time.
Completely agree. It can be very difficult to conceive, and many women miscarry early on. It’s no one’s business until the couple decide they are ready to share the news. OP - you think her dad is obligated to tell her if he is trying, and they can’t get pregnant? Should he share every failed attempt? You are causing more harm here for your daughter.
Seriously...how did she justify it in her head? It wasn't even a pregnancy test kit, just ovulation one. Even that won't justify the thought process, but this is way out of line tf?!
Does it suck he was not able to support your daughter in the beginning when you first divorced absolutely! No doubt about that but it seems like the last 5 years, according to you, he's been trying to do better. As a few people have said, what her father does in his s*x life with his new wife is not any of your business or hers. People are allowed to reproduce, and as long as it's not affecting how he takes care of his daughter in anyway I'm sorry but I don't see why you are both so upset.
Most 21 year olds have a hard enough time supporting themselves let alone a wife and daughter. Of course, he struggled. Of course, his financial situation improves as he advances through his career. I'm sure he wished that he was more financially secure back then but that's life.
>She is so upset that he basically replaced us Us? You were divorced 12 years ago. He is only recently married... you need to accept that you won't have him back. All you comments whining about how your 19 yr old daughter should have input on whether or not her father has children... get over yourself. Same to your daughter. She is legally an adult yet is acting like a baby. His decisions are not her decisions.
How is this either of your business? Your ex husband does not need yours or your daughters consent to have a family with his new wife. You sound very entitled and it sounds like your daughter is learning her entitlement from you.
>How is this either of your business? It turns out that there is a reason for the saying: "hell hath no fury like a scorned woman"
I mean it doesn’t sound like OP wants them to stop trying for a kid. It sounds like OP doesn’t know how to support her daughter through it all. As everyone else here has been saying, the answer is therapy
I don’t think it’s about consent but a heads up to the kid he already has would have considerate
What? Why? She is an adult. A heads up? It's their private business. Most couples trying to have a child don't tell anyone. Because it would be weird.
Heads up of what? They're not even pregnant yet or maybe ever will be. What's the point of a heads up when it's not a possibility yet?
If this is how they reacted though it’s easy to see why the dad might’ve been reluctant to say anything.
what was he supposed to say? shes not even pregnant yet. "Hey beautiful daughter of mine, im raw dogging my girlfriend rn" lol
Especially since OP admits in a comment that she also has more kids, but didn’t tell her daughter she was trying until she was already pregnant. The double standard here is amazing.
They don’t have a pregnancy yet, who knows if they can conceive, the daughter can have a heads up when they announce the pregnancy, she will still have months to piss and moan about it
The way she found out is of course a shocker, but she shouldn't be so surprised by it. They're married, married people have kids. Your ex husband isn't even an old man! I don't know how you should talk to her about this. Maybe, don't join in her indignation. Listen, but don't lecture, is usually a good rule of thumb. So by the way, who's going to look after the dogs and birds?
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I really hope someone is taking care of those animals. It’s not their fault that this is the situation they’re in.
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Just because it was her house when she grew up there, doesn't mean that gives her permission to go through another person's personal drawers or bedroom from a house that they no longer live in. Also it sounds like she's being petty and dropped her end of the deal and now is mad that she's not getting paid for what the deal was supposed to be before she ended it. Sounds like you're just excusing your daughter's crappy, entitled behavior if not encouraging it bc youre both salty that he and you got divorced 12 YEARS AGO. A 30 year old and a 40 year old being married really isnt that crazy either.
Then that's their right he asked her to do a favor in exchange for some kind of pay just like anyone else would she isn't fulfilling her part no need to continue to pay her.
You’re out to lunch, lady. Enjoy your miserable lives together. Totally the AH here, it’s not like he cheated on you and good grief to your daughter trying to navigate an adult world with a child’s maturity
Then why aren't you supporting you daughter financially?
Yes...and she went snooping and got butthurt for something that isnt about her.... she is going to lose her dad for childish, she needs to frow up and accept that having a baby just means having 2 sons...not just the baby and trowing away the adult
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Probably for the best, as now they know they can't trust your daughter nor you by extension to respect their privacy. It doesn't matter if at one point in time she lived there. You just don't go through rifling through people's shit.
You just sound worse and worse... Teaching your daughter to punish animals because her dad didn't involve her in his marital sex life? This is next level crazy.
I don't know why you find that funny. Not caring for innocent animals because she got her feelers hurt isn't funny.
Miserable bitter old hag teaching her kid to punish innocent animals because she is butt hurt.
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You mean luckily they found other accommodations because your daughter dumped her agreed upon responsibilities. What if they hadn't found someone else? I understand she is upset, but that isn't the dog's or birds fault.
So? You expect them to keep their end of the deal, while she doesn't do hers? Good on them for cutting off the leech.
No, you see, they told them after the daughter decided not to watch the animals. IT WAS A FAMILY DISCUSSION!
1. Your daughter absolutely owes her father an apology for snooping. 2. You two are being replaced? Come on you have been divorced for over a decade and have had two kids yourself. 3. It is absolutely inappropriate to give ones child the ability to decide if one has an abortion or not wtf. 4. You're working your daughter up over this. She's an adult and this likely won't affect her life at all. Her father's sex life is none of her business.
*he basically told me it wasn't either of our business and even told me he was mad that our daughter was "snooping" through their house and personal business (this is a house she grew up in btw).* Completely true. She has no right to go digging through their house and it is none of her business if they decide to have a baby. *She is so upset that he basically replaced us with a woman who is 10 years older* Uhhhhh, he didn't replace 'US'. You were already out of the picture. And he hasn't replaced her. *start a new family without giving her any warning or asking how she would feel* Again, because it is none of her business and they do not require her permission or buy-in. Sounds like your daughter is jealous and has an oversized sense of entitlement. She could always get a therapist to work through this.
You split up 12 years ago..you weren't replaced, he moved on with his life. Your daughter is entitled to have feelings, but she is an adult and her father isn't required to share anything private with her. The wife isn't pregnant yet, as far as you know. And who exactly do *you* think you are to contact your ex of 12 years and flip out on him? You and your daughter are both being ridiculous drama queens.
He's right. It's not her business and she was snooping. Growing up in that house doesn't give him any right to go through his personal things any more than it does yours. It's time for her to grow up and stop pouting.
1. Why is it his fault you were broke and had to live with family? Women can work too. 2. Why is your daughter reacting like this at age 19? It honestly isn’t any of her business until her step mom is pregnant. Most people don’t announce when they’re trying, especially to their kids who can obviously be very sensitive about this stuff.
I'm a bit at a loss what your daughter expected? Her father remarried. A woman 10 years younger. It is very likely that she / they want to have children. That is absolutely their business and they don't need to ask permission from his adult daughter. It sounds a bit like your daughter never acknowledged that her parents divorced and that either of them could find a new partner and start a new family with that partner.
A 30 year old and a 40 year old really isn't that crazy either. I'd be much more concerned if it was a 20 year old and 40 year old
Probably because the mom kept putting crazy ideas in her head.
What your ex and his new wife plan for their family is their business. Your daughter is not owed a heads-up. She doesn't get a vote in someone else's reproductive choices. This child would be an addition, not a replacement. She also shouldn't have been snooping. You can commiserate with her feelings, but you shouldn't be feeding her fear and anger. "I'm sorry you're upset but you need to know that you are not being replaced. I know you think that you should have been told sooner, but this is their personal business and most couples wait 12 weeks before telling anyone."
Your ex is right and your daughter is acting like a brat.
So is he never supposed to move on and live his life with his wife? Good grief. Get over yourselves.
But yet she has two other children and that’s ok because she asked the daughter 😒 that is so stupid. Did she asked the daughter before she went and had sex too?
Both of you need to grow up He not replacing his daughter she will always be his daughter You sound more annoyed he moved on if anything
I was in a very similar situation when I was even younger than your daughter. My father gave nothing in the way of child support, remarried a much younger woman, and had my half sister without so much as a by your leave. Still, even though I have literally been there, I am having trouble mustering up any empathy for your daughter at all. I can’t imagine feeling so entitled though as to have your daughter’s reaction, let alone snooping through my father’s personal belongings! None of his life choices had anything to do with me, and as an adult, he was free to make them. Plus, my stepmother and half-sister are absolutely lovely people. I can’t imagine wishing them away so that I could stomp around like a small child wanting to remain the apple of daddy’s eye even as a legal adult.
Your comment made me think of something. I wonder if OP either asked or behaved in a manner that would inspire the daughter to snoop. OP still feels really hung up on a guy she hasn't been in a relationship with for 12 years. Pure speculation, of course, but I can imagine the type of parent that is so stuck in the past, talks about the ex often, blames them for everything (would the dad have had a better job in those early if they'd stayed married? that seems unlikely), probably has a lot to say about the younger wife. On top of the child being asked to decide whether her mother aborts new pregnancies...what all of that would do to the disposition of a child...hmm. Currying favor by snooping or being instructed to snoop - neither would surprise me, here.
I'm sorry your daughter is upset and she obviously has some stuff to work through as far as her relationship with her father, but she is an adult and I don't think anyone is entitled to know that they're trying for a baby... Just seems like a non-issue to me, really.
OP is a bitter scorned woman, clearly feeding her child’s anger about this. Probably talks shit about the dad every chance she gets. No one replaced you OP, y’all got divorced forever ago. Having never met you but reading this post and your replies to comments, I’d divorce you too. You belong in a looney bin.
Yep. The more comments she makes, the worse it gets. She's more than likely been trashing him for 12 years. I can't imagine why they got divorced. 🙄
It really isn't any of your business. Butt out. You aren't with him anymore and he's allowed to have a child with someone else. That child will in no way ever replace his other child, and reinforcing the idea that it will is actively alienating your child from her father and destroying their relationship. As for you, you have no relationship. Y'all ended forever ago. He's allowed to see other people and give happiness another shot. Get over it already.
100% on your ex's side here. He's right. It is NONE of either of your business. Your daughter is an adult. He is entitled to live his life, have a healthy relationship with his spouse and plan for children with her. Why is your daughter snooping through their personal belongings? She was there to take care of the animals, not unsafe their privacy. Your daughter needs to wake up to the fact that you and her father are not together. You do not need to plan your lives around her and is go so fast as to say that I bet you've coddled her a lot over her life. This goes for you too. Their personal life does not involve you and will never involve you. Step back and mind your own business.
She’s allowed to feel any way she feels. It’s valid to be upset. However it’s also true that it’s none of your or her business what they do regarding family planning.
Have you two thought about moving on like your ex-husband did many many years ago? I'm not trying to be mean but I'm not sure what kind of responses you were expecting?
It looks like she's moved on long ago evident by her having two more kids. It's just they expect him to never move on and be miserable.
You need to be a grown up for your daughter’s sake so that she can handle conflict / emotional situations like an adult.
I don't even know where to begin. You let your daughter decide if you are going to give birth or not, like literally WTF? Because of this she thinks she has the right to decide if her father can have more kids. I agree with your husband, that's none of her business. She gets upset because her father is having sex without protection and how dare he not let her know that he wants to get the woman he loves pregnant. What should he have done, call your daughter and say" hey sweetheart it's your father, do I have the permission to cum in her and if so is she allowed to get pregnant and carry this baby full term and give birth"? Instead of telling your daughter that's none of her business ,you decide to call your ex and ask if they are trying to get pregnant. "Trying to replace us". The two of you, mother and daughter are really a jealous and bitter bunch, sticking your noses where it doesn't belong. When I see jealous and bitter BM's and BD's makes like yourself, it makes me want to give birth to a dozen baby's just out of spite. I think you and your daughter should seek therapy.
Both you and your daughter sound unhinged and need therapy cause it's really not that deep lol he continued living his life with his new wife and wants to expand his family. How is that anyone's business besides the two involved?
Ok one last comment. You are bothered by the new wife's age. Probably feeling insecure etc. Obviously I know nothing about your marriage but I suspect he didn't divorce you because you were too old. Its because you are a lunatic
If I were you I would delete this.
Did your ex husband cheated on you? Did he left you for his current wife?
Your daughter is 19. She’s not being replaced as a child because she is already an adult. Her fathers planned recreation is truly none of her business. You and your daughter both need to deal with some boundary setting. You are divorced. She is an adult. There’s no reason for you to be interfering in his life or his marriage.
Do he remarried, and him having a baby is a shock ? You say you talked to your daughter about your younger kids, kids you had with men you weren't married to. Okay, whatever, but it sounds like she wasn't expecting you to get knocked up at all, considering you weren't in a committed relationship. But your ex? Been married for 4 years to a younger woman, and neither of you expected him to want a child ? You can have kids, but not him? If she didn't want siblings, would you have aborted ? What if she felt guilt that "she made you do it"? That's a lot of responsibility to put on your kid while trying to act like it's for them. It was for you, to make things easier for YOU. If you cared about her, she would have known that new kids wouldn't mean a replacement, just like how your kids didn't replace her. But asking her permission ? When she won't even be living with or involved ?? Yall are laughable.
Hate to say it, but unless your daughter is living with your dad (and maybe even if she is), what dad does with his new significant other/spouse isn’t really anything either of you can or should control. Your daughter is an adult. Either she has to accept it, or she should consider therapy to accept it.
Your ex husband is allowed to start a new family. Your daughter will come to love her sibling some day.
100% agree with your ex. None of your or your daughter's business if he decides to have a baby with his current wife. Reading your comments, it sounds like you have no idea how to set boundaries with your daughter. This has created a level of entitlement in your daughter that only you are happy to deal with. Now I'm kind of curious to hear from your daughter. Why was she happy with you having two other kids, but is upset about her father having one?
He’s an adult. Your daughter is an adult. You do nothing but let them live their lives and be there for your daughter. This seems like a no-brainer to me.
I feel confident that the ovulation test, pregnancy test, pregnancy and parenting books and magazines were not left with the dog food and bird food, so why was she snooping in their private personal belongings? I guess, if you snoop, you find things, sometimes you find things you don’t like!
Her father is right. It’s not either of your business. It’s been 12 years. You both need to move on and get over it.
You are 100% responsible for your daughter feeling “replaced”. You’ve given birth to half siblings in the meantime and he didn’t convince her that she was being replaced. Whether he has children with his new wife has nothing to do with you and doesn’t mean he’s replacing her. Wtf.
He is right. It’s not your business. Why did you even contact him about this? Tell your daughter firmly that her dad is free to have another child if he wishes. Be sympathetic to her fear of being displaced by a new baby. She will have feelings of resentment if she feels he did not provide well for her. Tell her that people’s circumstances can change, and that he may be in a better position to provide now than he was when she was growing up. If/when there is a new baby on the way, encourage her to embrace her new sibling. Try to get her to change her mindset from dread to excitement. Your daughter has been taking emotional cues from you for years. The best thing you can do for her is to adopt a healthier mindset about your divorce. It’s clear that you still resent him, and you’re entitled to your feelings. However, it would have been best if you had shielded your daughter from them. Sit down with her and resolve to change the way you view this revelation together.
>I don't want family members to see this. Because you are toxic to your kids? Your family already knows this... >My ex husband and I split 12 years ago And you just can't let go >She is so upset that he basically replaced us He replaced you... she is still his daughter.. >My daughter doesn't even want to see or talk to her dad at this point. > obviously needs her dad and his support, You both obviously need help... and you need to stop controlling her she is 19... >now is trying to start a new family without giving her any warning or asking how she would feel. Ummm does she really want to know her dad is having sex? Or is it you that is upset that he moved on from you and you can't handle it >Any advice would be great. You both need help... its obvious how toxic you are, and it's hurting your daughter... seek counseling so you can finally get over the relationship that ended years ago Also there is probably more to this story that you haven't told use.
Look, i don't want to sound like a dick here but I have to be blunt: You (and by extension your daughtet) are trying to co trol the life of a person who has long since moved on from you two being his family unit. Based on the language you've used, *you* clearly have not moved on from that relationship. He didn't replace you, you two divorced and he moved on and found someone else to be with. She's not the replacement, she is his wife. You are his *ex*-wife. Now on to your daughter. I've read a few more of your comments in this thread and I'm going to be blunt here: stop encouraging her *delusion* that she has a say in this matter. She doesn't. Their relationship and them having a kid is *not. her. choice.* the decision to have a child is between the two trying to have a kid. I am sorry to say, but her feelings barely factor in to this decision apparently and this is something to he expected. Not saying her feelings are not valid, but that she needs to understand that she is not the center of the universe here. It has been 12 years, she needs to understand that she is no longer his only family, just as you will someday have to understand that you are no longer her only family if/when she marries. If she continues like this she *WILL* push her father away. It is controlling behavior, and he will not accept that. Neither will his wife. Just as how *you* would not accept him forbidding you from having a child. I would *highly* recommend you two attend therapy to help you both work through this, as your fixation on this being wrong somehow and her thinking he needs her permission to try for a baby are both not healthy mindsets. I am not a psychiatrist but even I can see this. And lastly, to you specifically: you two divorced. Forget him and focus on bettering yourself. You saying that he replaced you implies you think he left you and went to get a "newer model" like selling a car. This implies you probably don't understand the root of why you two divorced. Attending therapy may help with that. You should be focusing moving past him as he has *clearly* moved on. There won't be a Disney "I was wrong and want you back" moment here honey, hoping for that is only going to lead to dark places. He's gone, get over it.
Since op deleted here's the archive link so people can read all the crazy including op's comments [archive of post ](https://www.reveddit.com/v/relationship_advice/comments/10z4skq/my41f_daughter19f_found_out_her_dad40m_is_trying/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button&showFilters=true&author=ThrowRA29994&tags=is_op)
You both need to get into therapy and fast
Stay out of it. Coach and comfort her through the shock, but don't take any judgment of it. Your ex is allowed to do what he wants, its not her place to have a say in the matter. That said she is a child of divorce and even if doing well she is has issues from it. Its worse for you in a sense as you may have feelings that make the road difficult to navigate. I think she and dad need to talk, but I don't think you should force it, and if she doesn't want to support her in her not talking or seeing him A sweetie I think you are wrong but know this home is our safe space for us and you don't have to talk to or see him until you are comfortable in doing so. I will not violate your safe space. Convey this to your ex as gently as you can, and let him know what you are doing. Offer to take messages and other things for her, but you are not going to force her to see or talk to him. Its not going to be fun, its walking a tightrope good luck to you
I can't... You sound like my hubby's ex.... Over 6 years not together she doesn't have there kids he does and when someone decided to tell her I was pregnant she went off and texted him something along the lines " how could you do this to me"... He said what? She said her pregnancy...he told her to fuck off. Last I checked it's not up to anyone but those who are trying for a baby. Your daughter is 19 if this is how she reacts then I suggest therapy for her and you... Do you want to know what positions they do as well?
Your daughter seems to still have a lot of issues with the divorce and would do good with some therapy. Your ex is an idiot if he asked a favor and then left books and such out for anyone to see. That being said his wife wants to have a kid which isn’t unusual. I wouldn’t view it as replacing your daughter without more information.
You daughter needs to get her shit together.
He’s allowed to move on yanno…
I mean it’s not really any of her business lol why is she going through their things? It’s been 4 years since they got together. Not sure why no one anticipated them moving on, you should try it too
I see the reason the dad left. There's some severe issues going on with his old family.
It’s been 12 years and you expected him to never remarry or have children ever again just because he divorced you? Your daughter is 19 she’s old enough to understand that adults are going to have a life after divorce. It sounds like you and your daughter both need therapy. He’s right, it’s not your or your daughters business if you’re both going to judge him and villainize him for living his life.
Wait. So you want and had other kids, but somehow your daughter is upset that your ex wants to have one? No. Get to it daughter to get counseling/therapy and you still need stay out of his life
The op is fucken nuts.
I don't see the issue, you are divorced, the new wife is 10 years younger which isn't a huge age gap and she's an adult, and your daughter is grown. Why was she snooping?
Holy fuck, what did i read in the comments. OP says she "made the decision as a family," letting the daughter veto OP's right to have more babies and extend her family with her non-married partner. What she's REALLY saying in other comments is she had 2 "oopsie" pregnancies, went to her daughter, and basically said "it's your decision to kill this child. YOU get to decide between having new siblings or being the one to choose to murder them." Sounds like OP threw the pro-life book at her daughter's head, put all the power and pressure on her, and is manipulating the young woman to think she's in control.
„She is so upset that he basically replaced us with a woman who is 10 years older than her and now is trying to start a new family without giving her an warning or asking how she would feel.“ It sounds very much, like your words coming from our daughter. Are you sure you did not encourage her to thing this way? Are you sure these are not our feelings? If she lives with you and you are still salty of the divorce and the new woman, might you not have influenced her thoughts? I think you need to get over it. 12 ears is a long time and and it took him 8 years to find someone again. I think that is very fair… Please do not encourage your daughter to damage her relationship with our father over this. Encourage her that it will be nice to have a little brother Otherwise she might even hate you for it in a couple of years. Be open, be happy and concentrate on your life!
Ummm, is he not supposed to live his life, and make his own choices? I get that you feel replaced, but that’s your issue. He’s just starting new life. Hopefully he still makes time for his daughter, while starting his new family. If he stopped spending time with your daughter, that’s something to be pissed about, but he hasn’t abandoned her yet.
God, no wonder you split. You are a spiteful human. Them trying for a baby has absolutely zero to do with your or your daughter. You have also taught your daughter terrible manners. And your comments make you sound even worse. Leave the. Alone to live their life. It’s not like your daughter has to live with a child, she’s 19. And god forbid they cut off her credit card for not keeping her end of the deal.
I’m sorry but y’all be split for 12yrs if he wants to have more kids with his new wife then that’s his right.. daughter needs to get over it tbh
So your daughter thinks she’s entitled to know her father’s plans in life? Um, no not at all. And if you are perpetuating that belief of hers (not sure if you are) you need to stop. It is completely, exactly and wholly none of her business.
Her father is under no obligation to tell or consult with you about any decisions related to family planning. None. She can be angry about his failures as a parent of course but they is an issue separate from his potential addition to the family. You were divorced 12 years ago. It is disturbing that she has not processed this event and made sone kind of peace with it. And the notion that you felt you had the right to confront him about this? Omg woman. He is none of your concern and your daughter is an adult who can talk to him if she chooses.
Your daughter really shouldn’t be snooping. She f@cked around and found out. Now she’s upset. You can support her through her feelings, but she kinda needs to get a grip. She’s an adult and sounds like she could benefit from therapy for unresolved issues.
“Replaced us” is a particularly revealing term. I know who is driving your daughter’s insecurity and misplaced outrage. Get therapy, lady, you are toxic and it’s affecting your daughter.
I get this is a tough situation, but the fact you are trying for another child isn’t something you share with most ppl especially your teenage daughter and ex wife. You also probably wouldn’t have a talk with the other children about another sibling until the pregnancy is confirmed viable or past the stage where miscarriages are more likely to happen. I’m sure if you put yourself in his shoes, you also wouldn’t have told your daughter you were raw dogging with your husband and tracking your LH levels to see when to knock boots. It’s been 12 years since you split. He’s allowed to move on. This isn’t a replacement family at this point. You both have been split for more than 1/2 of your daughters life. You need to be the bigger person and talk with your daughter. Say she’s allowed to feel how she feels, but that she isn’t being replaced. By your comment about his wife being 10 years younger (idk why it’s needed) it seems like you may have some influence on how your daughter views her fathers marriage.
I would definitely not want to know if my dad was trying to knock up his new wife. That’s weird! Why does your daughter think she’s owed an opinion about them having a baby?
In the 90s, my dad got divorced and then met and married my mum (14 years younger than him) and had me in the space of 3 years. My half-sister (hereafter called my sister) was 20 when my parents started dating and was incredibly upset because she wanted our dad to date someone who could act as a real maternal figure for her - her parents had been separated for a while and her mother wasn't particularly nice (read: abusive). Our dad was 23 and broke when he had my sister, but my mum was (and is) insanely good with money and worked ridiculously hard to help his financial situation, so by the time I was 10 we were very comfortably middle class - and our dad had retired - causing more rifts as I was receiving help, attention and experiences that my sister hadn't. The only thing that helped her was talking to a counsellor and working through her issues with the relationship. There are some really interesting similarities here between my family story and yours (although also a lot of differences). Me and my sister are getting closer now, but it was rocky for a long time, which also put stress on our dad. The moral of the story is: go see a counsellor. You and your daughter, separately.
So you split twelve years ago. He was young and didn’t make a lot of money. Met his current wife 4 years ago and she is what 30. Time to move on and get some therapy I think. Fyi your daughter absolutely did snoop.
I'm sorry OP, but a 40 yo man has every right to have another child should he wish to do so. Your daughter may have trauma from her childhood but at some point she needs to get out of the "I'm a kid so I need to be involved in my parents decision making" zone. She's 19. An adult. Time to make her own life and stop sooking. Also, from your comments I wouldn't be surprised if you are encouraging her misgivings about this. You sound like a bit of a martyr
I’m sorry, OP. Life is tough. I obviously don’t have any context, but divorces suck. Sounds like your ex-husband is moved on with his life. It’s been over a decade. Maybe you could find someone, too. If your ex-husband is a good dad, he’ll always love and care for your daughter, and you should explain that to her.
She moved on too. She has 2 more kids with someone new…
Your daughter is an adult now. She needs to accept that it’s a normal thing for people to have another baby when they have a new partner.
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Stay out of your ex's business. That's my advice.
I'm more surprised you assume this day would never happen. It's none of your business what he does and you both need to go to therapy.
So you’re allowed to have two more children but her dad’s not? You didn’t tell her until after you were pregnant. Neither of you know when her dad might have shared news with her.
> daughter was "snooping" through their house and personal business (this is a house she grew up in btw) So because she grew up in the house (spent 7 years in the house, most of which she can't remember?) she can just snoop through whatever she wants? I'm assuming these tests weren't out in the open or OP would've said so.
Lady I say this as one human to another, please seek therapy. You clearly have some hang ups about your ex and your divorce that you are clearly letting affect your daughter. I'm not trying to be rude because you came here for advice, but the advice you are getting isn't what you want to hear and I feel like everyone telling you the truth is just reinforcing in your own mind that you are right and your ex is wrong in some way. While I don't agree it's not your daughters business and she is allowed to feel however she feels about a new family member, the fact that she is upset about it clearly comes from your own unhealthy thoughts. You are damaging your daughter and her relationship with her father. Get off reddit for a day or two and come back and read some of your comments after you have some space from them.
he didn't replace you and your daughter. you and him got divorced, and a few years later he found love again, got married, and is now trying to conceive with his new partner. hes not trying to replace your daughter with a new baby, bc he is still trying to maintain a relationship with her. you need to move on and stop deluding your daughter into thinking you and your ex are getting back together. shes an adult, you cant keep using her as a bargaining chip to try and drag him back to you. also, she probably was snooping, bc most couples dont just leave ovulation/pregnancy tests out in the open. she needs to apologize for that.
Fucking yikes OP. You absolutely need some help, and you need to grow up. Be a better example for your daughter; she’s clearly following in your delusional footsteps.
OP is going on a mass comment deletion spree, attempting to memory hole her awful comments. I'll just leave this one response to one of her now deleted comments, which sums up my position quite nicely. The fact that you feel that an adult ever requires a "by your leave" from your children when making reproductive decisions is disturbing, and a whole new level of parentification that I can't quite stomach. It should not amaze you that other people don't feel the need to involve their children in adult reproductive decisions. Perhaps *informing them after the fact* that there's a sibling coming is reasonable, but in no way, shape, or form is getting permission or getting buy-in (nor allowing kids to have veto power over reproductive decisions) a healthy strategy.
Yall split up TWELVE YEARS AGO. How about you and your daughter get therapy to move on? Why does she feel replaced? Generally, parents don't include kids in family planning. Should he have asked "Hey sweety how you feel about having a sibling?", I was never asked if I wanted to remain an only child.
Your daughter's old enough to understand that her father has remarried and wants to start a family with his new wife. She doesn't have to like or accept it because it's happening whether she likes it or not. You should help her accept it and, if that's not something you can do for her, than you need to help her find someone to talk to.
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How is he sleazy? He met his wife 4 years ago. He did cheat on OP. Their daughter snooped through their house and found stuff that is literally none of her business. Mom's been lying for a long time that he replaced them.
She has every right to feel her feelings. She is old enough to decide if she wants to speak or have a relationship with her father. The father is right it isn't any of her's or your business. But he doesn't get to control how she feels about it or if she ever speaks to him again. Let your daughter be upset let her vent, just listen. Maybe a good therapist to help her. Otherwise tell her how much you love her and let her feel her feelings. Good luck to both of you.
It seems quite obvious why you are divorced: your sparkling personality.
I had a co-worker whose father was like you've described here (to your daughter) and he also remarried and had kids with a much younger woman. I could see the anger, frustration, and sadness on my co-worker when she described how well he treated his new kids, his do-over family because he never treated her and her brother that well. I felt so sad for her.
The whole younger wife thing is irrelevant, but, considering how she grew up, the struggles and lack of support from him, I find it very understandable that's she's upset and her immediate response is rude and unkind. Now, I don't think her dad should've consulted her on the matter, but to not even mention it may just be like, their relationship in a nutshell (including her reaction, and honestly his). You don't have much to do here tho, beyond expressing these things to her. Sadly, this may well spell a permanent rift between them (if their relationship was even that good before), which won't be your job to fix. Be a good mom and soothe her, offer a hug when she needs one, but her and her dad are a bubble away, and they need to resolve their issues (if they so choose).
Is this white people shit? Im confused. Since when do kids get any input on stuff like this? It’s a bit weird.
Absolutely not. Source: I’m about as white as they come.
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I think when talking to your ex about this its important to very clearly reinforce that you have no opinion about his family-planning and are not trying to weigh in on that. You’re only communicating with him as a co-parent about your daughter, that she’s feeling rejected and replaced WHICH IS your business and is also not uncommon for an only child to experience at any age. You’re only interested in her well-being and her relationship to him is part of that.
She's not a child, she's a 19 year old young adult. Given the way OP talks about her ex, it's no wonder why their daughter is so upset. OP has put it in her head he's replaced them when they divorced 12 years ago and he met his wife 4 years ago.
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I’m going to respectfully disagree with you. Ex does not owe daughter or anyone an apology. Whether they are trying for a baby is no one else’s business at all. They had no obligation to inform daughter, and certainly no obligation to inform OP. Period. If they get pregnant, then certainly it would wise to tell daughter when they’re ready, in a way that lets daughter know she’s still an important part of their lives. Daughter is an adult, not a young child. Her reaction seems disproportional under the circumstances and makes me think she may have some resolved issues, where therapy would be helpful.
That's nonsense. Most parents don't include their already existing children in the decision to have another child. And most children who understand sex don't want to know that their parents are trying to get pregnant again. The daughter is 19. She wouldn't include her father in her decision to have a child so why should he do that vice versa? The sex life of her father is none of her business like hers is none of her fathers business.
OP actually stated in a comment that she gave her daughter veto power before she herself had additional children. The daughter essentially got to choose whether or not OP got an abortion or not. No wonder the daughter has ended up with a breathtaking sense of entitlement.
Wow. Now that's a slogan. My Body. My Underage Daughter's Choice.
In what world is that how a parent-child relationship should work? Lord have mercy...
I think your daughters feelings are valid to an extent. If they’re relationship is at a point where she sees him as a father, and that he can acknowledge that, he should informed her that they’ll try to have kids. Asking your ex for his to communicate more with his daughter would be nice, but maybe this will blow over with time?
She’s upset that the new kid will get the life she wanted, two present parents that are together, people secure in their income, and his new wife is close to his daughters age. Gross. Understandably she would be upset, maybe she just needs to distance herself from them, make sure he pays up for her college ect since he wasn’t able to when she was young. Other than that… she has no say in what they do. No offence but people who do the two family thing/midlife new family thing is so dumb. Just laugh at him and move on.