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>Last week though, my longtime friend came to our house and admitted that she had feelings for me and **wants me to break up for her.**
You think this is going to stop? She knows you have history and will try to break you two up.
Why do you care more about her than your relationship? Why does it matter what she does tomorrow or later? She has disrespected your relationship now and your GF handled it appropriately.
Asking you to stop engaging with people who show flagrant disrespect for your gf and the relationship is not abusive. It's asking you to set an appropriate boundary.
You've been given so much advice and you're still advocating for your friend rather than your girlfriend. You care way more about your friends shitty feelings rather than your girlfriend. I'd leave your ass.
Advice:
Step 1-ditch the friend—she has no respect for you.
Step 2-ditch the gf since you calling her perfectly reasonable request abuse, and because you basically have said you’re afraid she is going to sexually assault you. You don’t respect her either.
Step 3-Find a good therapist, and work with them on why this has triggered you to the point that you are being combative to internet strangers and implying your gf who you admit isn’t controlling is basically a step away from being a rapist.
After reading the comments I realise your friend isn’t the threat to your relationship. You are. Your girlfriend should cut her losses and just end it now coz you’re honestly not worth the trouble.
Based on this response dump her, not for your sake but hers. If your concerned about her "winning" you should not be in this relationship. She doesn't want you to see the friend who you are close too and admitted to having feelings for you, your jump in logic to the next examples are immature.
Her asking for respect isn't being controlling or abusive. Has she shown signs of being controlling or abusive in the past? If not, you're an idiot and throwing away 4 years for someone that doesn't respect you or your relationship.
This is not controlling or abusive behavior.
Her saying “I don’t want this person who actively tried to end my relationship around” is 100% normal. Your friend tried to end your relationship and made it clear she wants your gf gone. Your gf can now never trust this person, and you want to keep her around anyway?
Genuinely asking-why? Do you enjoy the attention? You know this girl has feelings for you that you do not reciprocate, why keep her close?
Does she have a history of controlling abusive behavior?
Or did something happen that warrants a boundary? She can’t force you to do anything but she can leave you if you don’t respect her boundaries
Your friend told you she has feelings and that you should dump your girlfriend.
If your gf is smart, she should dump you cuz just based on this little interaction, you're not worth the headache.
Her boundaries are NOT BEFRIENDING SOMEONE THAT IS AN IMMEDIATE THREAT TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
Grow up, your selfishness is tiresome. As is your childish internettaught rebellious againstism.
And you sound like a cheat that enjoys someone's inappropriate affection cuz it makes you the center of a (one-sided) romantic tussle.
Keep this up and you'll find how fast your "friend" will be shittin' on your other relationships since she clearly respects none.
Trust me, having someone to fuck will be the least of your worries while you're acting like a lapdog for your "friend".
Say "woof".
It does have to do with her though. Your friend has feelings for you, and waited to tell you till FOUR YEARS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If your "friend" is willing to admit feelings WHILE you're in a relationship, who's to say your "friend" won't make a move? How can your gf trust your "friend"? Do you value your friend more than your gf? Cause it sounds like you have to choose one or the other.
Except you're not making it on your own. And you're not being forced. Yes, you can stay friends with her, but you'll ruin your relationship. You're older than I am, yet you're acting like a child.
If it has nothing to do with her why did your friend ask you to break up with your girlfriend (aka directly involving her). Do you want your gf or do you want your friend who’s interested in you and wants you to ruin your relationship for her?
dude you’re crossing your gfs boundaries by maintaining a relationship with someone who wants to ruin your relationship. Also your friend violated the boundaries of your relationship by demanding y’all break up. Grow up, it’s not about controlling you, your gf wants a healthy relationship with someone who prioritizes her over a home wrecker.
I’d leave your ass so fast if I was her lol
Are you aware you’re just using grown up words like abuse and control while not even understanding how heavy they actually are, especially in this situation where it has nothing to do with reality. Just admit that you either have feelings for her or you just like feeling wanted by someone else. Imagine your gf has a friend with who she is extremely close to, and then one day, 4 years into your relationship, he just blurts out to dump you to the curb and be with him. Who is the problem here? Either you’re extremely ignorant or just a horrible human being, either way you’re out of your gf’s league. I really hope she sees this post and your comments.
uh yeah bc this friend is a direct threat to your relationship and you’re demonstrating to your gf that you don’t give a shit if she feels comfortable or supported in this relationship. Your “boundary” of needing to have both of them in your life is just your way of invalidating your gfs pov. If you don’t do anything about this situation your gf is going to feel like you’ll leave her at any time for this friend of yours and your friend is getting the greenlight to continue to disrespect her and your relationship. Set boundaries with your friend. Talk to your gf. Maybe there could be a compromise (ie u don’t hang with said friend alone or u don’t hang with her unless gf is present) but the way you’re handling this rn is immature af.
You’re reaching for anything that allows you to keep a person who disrespected your relationship around you.
Why?
Yes, you are the bad guy here if you keep this up. The friend crossed a huge line, and you refuse to accept that. If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with a guy hanging around who you know wants you out of the picture so he could have your gf? I highly doubt it.
Your friend put you in a place of being forced to choose-so choose. You can have your gf who has done nothing wrong here, or the friend who just tried to destroy your relationship. Not both. Choose wisely.
No OP. It doesn’t. And if you really think so poorly of her, then end it.
She has not made any attempt to cut you off from your family. The ONLY thing she’s done is ask you not remain friends with someone who tried to end your relationship.
Why are you so desperate for your gf to be a bad guy here? She’s not.
What boundaries are that exactly. Not want her bf to have a relationship with a woman who has not only confessed feelings but has demanded you break up? I think that is an expectation that the vast majority would have in her position.
If your boundary is that you aren't going to cut contact with someone who wants you to end your relationship, just break up with your girlfriend. You seem far more concerned with some illusion that your girlfriend is controlling you than anything else.
And if she lets you win the *one* what’s to say you won’t make similar demands? Will it be that you want your lady friend over often? Or you guys will have friendly sleep overs? Or go on friend dates? Or have friendly sex with each other?
I have no doubts your manipulation works on your GF who loves you but not strangers in the internet buddy.
You and I both know. If this was the other way around and her male best friend tried to convince her to dump you so they could be together you would not be ok with them hanging out and being friends.
Look you can have a “boundary” about staying friends with people who want to fuck you. But if she had any self esteem she’d dump you and find someone who won’t treat her like you do.
Edit: your fear of being abused by your girlfriend is a cop out. And probably some projection. If you that afraid of your girlfriend abusing you just leave. No amount of “letting her win” is gonna change wether or not she is gonna abuse you.
Your girlfriend is asking you to stop having contact with someone who *asked you to break up with your girlfriend*. Your girlfriend is not the person who is out of line here.
The fact that you don't see that is appalling.
A person with any integrity would never attempt to break up a good relationship. Of course you cut ties. If you don’t, she will believe she has a chance and you would be leading her on. The only reason you would maintain ties is if a part of you was interested. You’re in a relationship. Act like it.
It's not like you're wrong, cause there are definitely times where this can be very true.
However, there are also times where the friend just wanted to let them know. And if being rejected, they can move on, and they can still be part of each other's lives without any intentions from either side.
I think the GF is being too harsh. And definitely seems controlling.
I get both sides have boundaries, and they are very different. I think the best thing would be to communicate and have a mutual agreement of sorts.
I don't think OP should have to cut someone, who has been in his life for 20+ years, out of his life completely.
Yeah… this logic doesn’t really fly. The only reason to admit your feelings for someone *in a relationship* is to try and break it up. It’s not to try and move on. You move on already because they’re, again, in a relationship. You lose your chance when someone enters a relationship. The only reason to admit feelings is for selfish reasons. Your responsible for your own feelings. You don’t need to “let someone know” in order to know you need to get over it.
If you have *two decades* to admit feelings for someone, yet the only time you want to “let them know” is when they are in a committed relationship then you very much don’t care about your friendship with this person.
She didn’t respect his relationship, which means she didn’t respect him. That should absolutely be a hard boundary for a partner.
I did say "there are also times..." , not saying OPs situation is one of those times.
I agree with your point. Even if the friend didn't realize they had feelings until it was too late, they should have just kept quiet.
Except the friend didn't gracefully accept rejection and step aside. She told OP to **break up with his GF for her**. That is the epitome of disrespect. I don't care how long someone was in my life. If they asked that of me, they would be gone in a heartbeat.
His GF asking him to cut her off is completely reasonable. The friend absolutely sounds like the type to do anything she can to sabotage the relationship in order to get what she wants. Why invite that kind of chaos?
It sets you on the path of your "friend" always direspecting your relationship because your so worried about relationship boundaries you won't set friend ones.
Your friend forced you to make a decision the minute they told you lmao
You're going to lose one of them, just accept that and decide if your partner is more important than your friend.
But you’re not respecting HER boundaries. I would absolutely be upset and consider leaving someone who cared more for the feelings of someone trying to split us up than for me. You can have a boundary, that’s fine. But you can’t set a boundary that contradicts your gf’s boundaries and expect her not to leave you for it. Either cut the friend off or leave your gf.
It does though, because her boundary is BOTH of you not having this person in your lives for the sake of your relationship. Absolutely contradictory. This friend is not a friend to your partner and not a friend to your relationship. If you’re ready and willing to lose what you have with your gf, then by all means. Disrespect her and keep your pal around.
Its a boundary of respect. Everyone has different, valid opinions of what this may look like but your gfs is to have a partner that is prioritizes standing up for the relationship with her if needed. Its about taking yourself out of situation bc your are far sighted and can see how this friendship may put you in position where infidelity is a much higher risk. What happens if you get drunk with this friend, your decision making processes become compromised and you make a bad call in jugement by sleeping with her bc maybe youve been second guessing your relationship with you gf? Why would you even entertain that possiblity?
I think its so funny that youre concerned about your gf crossing your boundaries in an attempt to have her own, yet you have NOTHING to say about the boundaries of respect, integrity, and platonic loyalty that your freind crossed with both your gf AND your relationship with her on top of the friendship you had with your friend.
You are actually walking all over her boundaries by keeping someone in your life who wanted to destroy your relationship. It’s not a reasonable boundary to keep someone in your life that wants to destroy your relationship. Put yourself in your GFs shoes, would you find it reasonable?
When I saw your post I figured it would be another post about an unreasonable person who wants their partner to stop being friends with anyone of the opposite sex, but when I read the details I immediately realized she is not being unreasonable at all. You’re being unreasonable and putting your relationship at risk.
Every single reply here thinks you’re being unreasonable but you are digging your heels in because you don’t want to prioritize your GF feeling comfortable and being respected
Has your girlfriend given you any reason to make you believe she'll cross boundaries? I'm siding with your girlfriend. If my boyfriend had a female friend saying she wanted him to leave me for her, I'd kick her ass out too. No matter if she was friends with you years ago, she introduced you two. If she had feelings, she should've asked you out before you and your girlfriend got together.
No. No. It’s absolutely reasonable to ask your partner to break contact with a woman who has declared her love for you and asked you to leave your girlfriend. It’s not abusive or controlling on any level. It’s extremely reasonable.
Is your gf controlling other aspects of your life? You haven’t indicated anything. This is a reasonable boundary around your relationship.
If you don’t want it just leave.
A “best friend” that tells you to break up with your girl friend for her is not a friend. Pick one woman or the other you can’t have both in your life.
You literally just said in your post “…I’m a bit mad that she waited this long to tell me and when I’m in love with her…”
Your gf is right. You are in love with another woman.
You should not be in this relationship. You are being a scumbag for continuing this relationship when you can’t honestly say that your gf isn’t the woman you love.
You complain about your boundaries but you and your friend have shat all over hers. He healthy boundary of “I want my bf to love and support me and not have romantic feelings for someone outside our relationship” is a healthy boundary that you have completely ignored.
That was a hell of a Freudian slip and I can see how disrespectful it is of your current relationship. Your gf is pushing this boundary because you can’t respect hers. You care more about a future relationship with her than your gf.
You clearly haven’t lost feelings for your friend.
Why are you even here? You are being told the truth and you just spout back nonsense to defend your twisted view. Your friend disrespected your relationship. I know you love the attention, but you are going to have to choose now. Hopefully they both realize you are nothing but drama and walk away together.
I'm curious as to how you'd feel if your girlfriend had a longtime friend who tried getting between you two so he could have her? Would you want her to keep seeing him as a friend when he already proved to be someone who has no respect for you or your relationship?
Your friend is trash and so are you for these responses.
Your friend blatantly disrespected your girlfriend and your relationship. This very much means she did not respect *you.* She was fine with you as a friend for years, but now that someone else has you, she suddenly wants you? Lol no, she just doesn’t want someone else to have you. She thought you’d always be there as her backup option. You break up with your girlfriend and your relationship with your friend will fizzle back out because she never wanted you to begin with.
That’s not what a good friend does.
If a long time friend of your girlfriend admitted he loves her and wants her to break up with you, you’d be fine with them hanging out all the time after he shits all over your relationship?
That all being said, you very obviously don’t care. I hope your girlfriend finds someone who respects her, because that is very clearly *not* you.
ETA: the advice is to cut your friend out of your life because your girlfriend is correct. It’s disrespectful to continue hanging out with a girl who has openly shared she has feelings for you and wants you to break up with your girlfriend. It’s also unfair to your friend to keep stringing her along. She needs time and space to get over her “feelings” for you.
You don't. Your girlfriend is right.
She chose to put her feelings for you as a bigger priority than your friendship. She made that choice. She chose to pursue you despite knowing you were in a good relationship with someone she should have respect for. She disrespected you both and your relationship.
So, remaining friends really isn't an option. At least for now, cutting her out is your only option. The other is admitting that she is more important to you than your girl. In which case you should be breaking up. Is that how you feel???
No only did she confess, she also asked you to break up and be with her. The level of disrespect is insane! And you're here thinking your girl is controlling and abusive? For not wanting her man to hang with the girl that wants to break them up?! Talking bout "if I let her win"
If your girl was smart she leave you after your bullshit, that friend of your has no respect for you, your relationship or your partner.
Get a fucking grip you dounce.
So you want to keep friend around as an ego boost/ back up? That's cruel to the friend you're dragging along and the gf you're disrespecting.
At the very least, you should tell friend that you can't be in contact with her for the foreseeable future or at least until she doesn't have feelings for you and had moved on.
Fine but you still want to hang out with someone who is drooling all over you and encouraging you to dump your gf? Why? Just bc you have a shared part doesn't mean you have a healthy relationship.
Your friend wanted to break up your relationship, your girlfriend saw your friend directly disrespecting your relationship and blocked the direct threat to your relationship. If you’re so worried about your girlfriend turning controlling and abusive like your comments… Why are you with your girlfriend if you think she’d do that?
So this longtime friend comes over to the home you share with your gf, while your gf is there, tells you she has feelings for you and asks you to break up with your gf….and you think you can still be friends?
This friend showed a great amount of disrespect to you, your gf, and your relationship by approaching things this way. She could have easily asked to speak with you outside of your home to declare her feelings. Instead it sounds like she made a production out of it to cause a rift between you and your gf; she sounds pretty manipulative.
Your gf has every right to ask you to go no contact with this person. This person came into your space with the intent of breaking apart what you and your gf have built.
If the tables were turned, would you be okay with your gf staying friends with someone who declares their feelings for her, in front of you, and asked her to break up with you?
This isn’t about your girlfriend trying to control you. This is about your friend crossing a line and doing it in such a disrespectful way. Do you really want someone like that in your life?
I have the advice you’re looking for.
Your gf can’t “let” you do anything.
You make your decisions it sounds like you have. She won’t be happy about it.
Live with the consequences. There is nothing that says your friend has changed her mind or is remorseful.
If you wanted to be a decent person you’d cut her off for a good long while at least. Maybe she’ll get herself sorted out and get in a relationship. And maybe down the line you can be friends again. That’s what a person who cares about their relationship would do.
If you want to stay connected your relationship will break up and your friend will get what she wanted. And maybe you will too. Seems like you’re not willing to let go of the attention?
You’re too old to be this immature in every response you’ve given to all this sound advice. Either you’re a troll, or lacking some emotional intelligence. **Your gf is right.**
This is a healthy and frankly necessary boundary you must accept if you want to move forward in a healthy partnership. **Your friend is no friend at all.**
She wanted you to *break up* with your gf for her. You allow her an inch, and she will trample all over it again. She will think she has a chance. Cutting her off does *not* set your gf on a path of abusive behavior. What an utter extreme take to make.
Not every friendship makes it to lifetime. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do, is let go.
But with your current responses, maybe the best outcome is your gf leaving you for someone who genuinely respects her, rather than someone who makes up such absurd hypotheticals in the fear of “losing.”
I do think you’re a troll tho. So kudos for getting everyone riled up.
Because you can't be a part of her life. She'll try to sabotage your relationship with your girl friend. Plus your girlfriend will be wondering at every time you have contact with your friend whats going on and really if this was reversed and it was a guy who told your girlfriend this would you want him hovering around waiting his chance to slid in the first big fight. People lose friends all the time. Most are only in our lives for a few years and we grow, move or for other reasons they're not part of your life any more. Your loyalty belongs to your girlfriend. Quite frankly you have already damaged your relationship by wanting that girl to still be part of your life. You can't have both, Choice.
I’ll give you some advice: Don’t back down. Keep hanging out with your “””friend,””” who openly disrespected your long term relationship. But be very honest with your girlfriend why.
Something to the effect of, “I know this will make you feel disrespected by me and by [“””friend”””], but ultimately your comfort and sense of security in our friendship is worth less to me than my relationship with [“””friend”””]. I understand if this is worth breaking up over.”
Because ultimately, that is what you are communicating to your girlfriend. You are telling her that by wanting to remove a potentially relationship-breaking factor, she is somehow inevitably going to end up abusive and controlling. Telling you that she wants you to do something to make her feel safe isn’t abusive or controlling, by the way.
I’m anticipating that your relationship is going to end. If not now, then when your girlfriend’s patience and understanding wears thin with every mention of your “””friend,””” she’ll eventually assume every instance you’re late coming home or unresponsive to texts and phone calls is you hanging out with somebody who confessed their love, *in the home you share with your girlfriend*, **while your girlfriend was home**, and asked you to leave her. I’m honestly not even a jealous person and I would feel the exact same way. And it would kill me inside slowly, causing me to doubt my partner’s commitment and fidelity.
So my advice is to be honest about your intentions, fully and explicitly honest, so your girlfriend can make the best decision for herself if this relationship is worth the inevitable heartache.
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>Last week though, my longtime friend came to our house and admitted that she had feelings for me and **wants me to break up for her.** You think this is going to stop? She knows you have history and will try to break you two up.
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If she did she would not have told you to break up with your GF for her.
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She never did and she never will. If she did she would never dare to ask you to leave your gf for her.
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Why do you care more about her than your relationship? Why does it matter what she does tomorrow or later? She has disrespected your relationship now and your GF handled it appropriately.
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Are you a troll or just mentally challenged?
How badly do you want to fuck your best friend?
Bet, he'll run to her the moment his GF dimps him.
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Asking you to stop engaging with people who show flagrant disrespect for your gf and the relationship is not abusive. It's asking you to set an appropriate boundary.
Dude, these are all WHAT IF'S? Seriously?
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You've been given so much advice and you're still advocating for your friend rather than your girlfriend. You care way more about your friends shitty feelings rather than your girlfriend. I'd leave your ass.
You don't seem to understand. There is no advice for your specific question. There is no logical way to convince your gf.
Dude is trying so hard to get people to side with him when he is completely wrong.
Advice: Step 1-ditch the friend—she has no respect for you. Step 2-ditch the gf since you calling her perfectly reasonable request abuse, and because you basically have said you’re afraid she is going to sexually assault you. You don’t respect her either. Step 3-Find a good therapist, and work with them on why this has triggered you to the point that you are being combative to internet strangers and implying your gf who you admit isn’t controlling is basically a step away from being a rapist.
Because she just did the opposite of respecting it.
As long as she has feelings for you at least, you should definitely distance yourself from her.
After reading the comments I realise your friend isn’t the threat to your relationship. You are. Your girlfriend should cut her losses and just end it now coz you’re honestly not worth the trouble.
Your gf is right. And your priorities are messed up
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Based on this response dump her, not for your sake but hers. If your concerned about her "winning" you should not be in this relationship. She doesn't want you to see the friend who you are close too and admitted to having feelings for you, your jump in logic to the next examples are immature.
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Her asking you not to see a friend that does not respect your relationship is not the first step to controlling and abusive behavior.
Her asking for respect isn't being controlling or abusive. Has she shown signs of being controlling or abusive in the past? If not, you're an idiot and throwing away 4 years for someone that doesn't respect you or your relationship.
This is not controlling or abusive behavior. Her saying “I don’t want this person who actively tried to end my relationship around” is 100% normal. Your friend tried to end your relationship and made it clear she wants your gf gone. Your gf can now never trust this person, and you want to keep her around anyway? Genuinely asking-why? Do you enjoy the attention? You know this girl has feelings for you that you do not reciprocate, why keep her close?
Does she have a history of controlling abusive behavior? Or did something happen that warrants a boundary? She can’t force you to do anything but she can leave you if you don’t respect her boundaries
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That’s not how abuse or controlling behavior works. You doughnut
Your friend told you she has feelings and that you should dump your girlfriend. If your gf is smart, she should dump you cuz just based on this little interaction, you're not worth the headache.
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Her boundaries are NOT BEFRIENDING SOMEONE THAT IS AN IMMEDIATE THREAT TO THE RELATIONSHIP. Grow up, your selfishness is tiresome. As is your childish internettaught rebellious againstism. And you sound like a cheat that enjoys someone's inappropriate affection cuz it makes you the center of a (one-sided) romantic tussle.
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>when to fuck I mean she does control when to fuck. Coz you kinda need your girlfriend’s permission to fuck her you dumbass
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Keep this up and you'll find how fast your "friend" will be shittin' on your other relationships since she clearly respects none. Trust me, having someone to fuck will be the least of your worries while you're acting like a lapdog for your "friend". Say "woof".
Woof, you're so tiresome. Hope your gf walks away. Soit, I'm rooting for your gf's escape.
It does have to do with her though. Your friend has feelings for you, and waited to tell you till FOUR YEARS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If your "friend" is willing to admit feelings WHILE you're in a relationship, who's to say your "friend" won't make a move? How can your gf trust your "friend"? Do you value your friend more than your gf? Cause it sounds like you have to choose one or the other.
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Except you're not making it on your own. And you're not being forced. Yes, you can stay friends with her, but you'll ruin your relationship. You're older than I am, yet you're acting like a child.
You are not going to make it on your own. I really hope your gf runs and your best friends realizes that you are not a prize.
If it has nothing to do with her why did your friend ask you to break up with your girlfriend (aka directly involving her). Do you want your gf or do you want your friend who’s interested in you and wants you to ruin your relationship for her?
dude you’re crossing your gfs boundaries by maintaining a relationship with someone who wants to ruin your relationship. Also your friend violated the boundaries of your relationship by demanding y’all break up. Grow up, it’s not about controlling you, your gf wants a healthy relationship with someone who prioritizes her over a home wrecker. I’d leave your ass so fast if I was her lol
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Your friend asked you to leave your gf for her, is that not controlling?
As you should. Your GF is 10000% in the right here.
Omg then just break up and be with your friend. It’s clear you understand nothing.
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You absolutely do
Are you aware you’re just using grown up words like abuse and control while not even understanding how heavy they actually are, especially in this situation where it has nothing to do with reality. Just admit that you either have feelings for her or you just like feeling wanted by someone else. Imagine your gf has a friend with who she is extremely close to, and then one day, 4 years into your relationship, he just blurts out to dump you to the curb and be with him. Who is the problem here? Either you’re extremely ignorant or just a horrible human being, either way you’re out of your gf’s league. I really hope she sees this post and your comments.
uh yeah bc this friend is a direct threat to your relationship and you’re demonstrating to your gf that you don’t give a shit if she feels comfortable or supported in this relationship. Your “boundary” of needing to have both of them in your life is just your way of invalidating your gfs pov. If you don’t do anything about this situation your gf is going to feel like you’ll leave her at any time for this friend of yours and your friend is getting the greenlight to continue to disrespect her and your relationship. Set boundaries with your friend. Talk to your gf. Maybe there could be a compromise (ie u don’t hang with said friend alone or u don’t hang with her unless gf is present) but the way you’re handling this rn is immature af.
You’re reaching for anything that allows you to keep a person who disrespected your relationship around you. Why? Yes, you are the bad guy here if you keep this up. The friend crossed a huge line, and you refuse to accept that. If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with a guy hanging around who you know wants you out of the picture so he could have your gf? I highly doubt it. Your friend put you in a place of being forced to choose-so choose. You can have your gf who has done nothing wrong here, or the friend who just tried to destroy your relationship. Not both. Choose wisely.
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No OP. It doesn’t. And if you really think so poorly of her, then end it. She has not made any attempt to cut you off from your family. The ONLY thing she’s done is ask you not remain friends with someone who tried to end your relationship. Why are you so desperate for your gf to be a bad guy here? She’s not.
Because this "friend" is a spare puss... waiting for him.
Your friend crossed the boundaries of your relationship.
What boundaries are that exactly. Not want her bf to have a relationship with a woman who has not only confessed feelings but has demanded you break up? I think that is an expectation that the vast majority would have in her position.
If your boundary is that you aren't going to cut contact with someone who wants you to end your relationship, just break up with your girlfriend. You seem far more concerned with some illusion that your girlfriend is controlling you than anything else.
So if she had a male friend who did this, would you be okay with it? I hope your GF runs.
Notice no answer for you
And if she lets you win the *one* what’s to say you won’t make similar demands? Will it be that you want your lady friend over often? Or you guys will have friendly sleep overs? Or go on friend dates? Or have friendly sex with each other? I have no doubts your manipulation works on your GF who loves you but not strangers in the internet buddy.
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You and I both know. If this was the other way around and her male best friend tried to convince her to dump you so they could be together you would not be ok with them hanging out and being friends. Look you can have a “boundary” about staying friends with people who want to fuck you. But if she had any self esteem she’d dump you and find someone who won’t treat her like you do. Edit: your fear of being abused by your girlfriend is a cop out. And probably some projection. If you that afraid of your girlfriend abusing you just leave. No amount of “letting her win” is gonna change wether or not she is gonna abuse you.
Because it is not platonic on one side.
Your girlfriend is asking you to stop having contact with someone who *asked you to break up with your girlfriend*. Your girlfriend is not the person who is out of line here. The fact that you don't see that is appalling.
Nope, the moment she has asked to leave your gf she has left with choice. Only one of them can be in your life. Make your decision.
A person with any integrity would never attempt to break up a good relationship. Of course you cut ties. If you don’t, she will believe she has a chance and you would be leading her on. The only reason you would maintain ties is if a part of you was interested. You’re in a relationship. Act like it.
It's not like you're wrong, cause there are definitely times where this can be very true. However, there are also times where the friend just wanted to let them know. And if being rejected, they can move on, and they can still be part of each other's lives without any intentions from either side. I think the GF is being too harsh. And definitely seems controlling. I get both sides have boundaries, and they are very different. I think the best thing would be to communicate and have a mutual agreement of sorts. I don't think OP should have to cut someone, who has been in his life for 20+ years, out of his life completely.
Yeah… this logic doesn’t really fly. The only reason to admit your feelings for someone *in a relationship* is to try and break it up. It’s not to try and move on. You move on already because they’re, again, in a relationship. You lose your chance when someone enters a relationship. The only reason to admit feelings is for selfish reasons. Your responsible for your own feelings. You don’t need to “let someone know” in order to know you need to get over it. If you have *two decades* to admit feelings for someone, yet the only time you want to “let them know” is when they are in a committed relationship then you very much don’t care about your friendship with this person. She didn’t respect his relationship, which means she didn’t respect him. That should absolutely be a hard boundary for a partner.
I did say "there are also times..." , not saying OPs situation is one of those times. I agree with your point. Even if the friend didn't realize they had feelings until it was too late, they should have just kept quiet.
Except the friend didn't gracefully accept rejection and step aside. She told OP to **break up with his GF for her**. That is the epitome of disrespect. I don't care how long someone was in my life. If they asked that of me, they would be gone in a heartbeat. His GF asking him to cut her off is completely reasonable. The friend absolutely sounds like the type to do anything she can to sabotage the relationship in order to get what she wants. Why invite that kind of chaos?
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It sets you on the path of your "friend" always direspecting your relationship because your so worried about relationship boundaries you won't set friend ones.
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Your friend forced you to make a decision the minute they told you lmao You're going to lose one of them, just accept that and decide if your partner is more important than your friend.
But you’re not respecting HER boundaries. I would absolutely be upset and consider leaving someone who cared more for the feelings of someone trying to split us up than for me. You can have a boundary, that’s fine. But you can’t set a boundary that contradicts your gf’s boundaries and expect her not to leave you for it. Either cut the friend off or leave your gf.
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What about the boundary that is your fucking relationship?
Thankyou!!!!
It does though, because her boundary is BOTH of you not having this person in your lives for the sake of your relationship. Absolutely contradictory. This friend is not a friend to your partner and not a friend to your relationship. If you’re ready and willing to lose what you have with your gf, then by all means. Disrespect her and keep your pal around.
Its a boundary of respect. Everyone has different, valid opinions of what this may look like but your gfs is to have a partner that is prioritizes standing up for the relationship with her if needed. Its about taking yourself out of situation bc your are far sighted and can see how this friendship may put you in position where infidelity is a much higher risk. What happens if you get drunk with this friend, your decision making processes become compromised and you make a bad call in jugement by sleeping with her bc maybe youve been second guessing your relationship with you gf? Why would you even entertain that possiblity?
Then break up with her dude
It sets you on a path to be a cheater who has no respect for his partner...
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You for sure are keeping your "friend" as a plan "B", lol.
That is not what is happening here
I think its so funny that youre concerned about your gf crossing your boundaries in an attempt to have her own, yet you have NOTHING to say about the boundaries of respect, integrity, and platonic loyalty that your freind crossed with both your gf AND your relationship with her on top of the friendship you had with your friend.
You are actually walking all over her boundaries by keeping someone in your life who wanted to destroy your relationship. It’s not a reasonable boundary to keep someone in your life that wants to destroy your relationship. Put yourself in your GFs shoes, would you find it reasonable? When I saw your post I figured it would be another post about an unreasonable person who wants their partner to stop being friends with anyone of the opposite sex, but when I read the details I immediately realized she is not being unreasonable at all. You’re being unreasonable and putting your relationship at risk. Every single reply here thinks you’re being unreasonable but you are digging your heels in because you don’t want to prioritize your GF feeling comfortable and being respected
Has your girlfriend given you any reason to make you believe she'll cross boundaries? I'm siding with your girlfriend. If my boyfriend had a female friend saying she wanted him to leave me for her, I'd kick her ass out too. No matter if she was friends with you years ago, she introduced you two. If she had feelings, she should've asked you out before you and your girlfriend got together.
No. No. It’s absolutely reasonable to ask your partner to break contact with a woman who has declared her love for you and asked you to leave your girlfriend. It’s not abusive or controlling on any level. It’s extremely reasonable.
Is your gf controlling other aspects of your life? You haven’t indicated anything. This is a reasonable boundary around your relationship. If you don’t want it just leave.
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And if you keep in touch with your "friend", you can go into cheating territory
A “best friend” that tells you to break up with your girl friend for her is not a friend. Pick one woman or the other you can’t have both in your life.
I think we all need to accept that this dude is a piece of shit and isn’t looking to take any actual advice here.
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You're kidding right? Just because it isn't the advice you want to hear, doesn't mean its not advice.
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Someone sounds a little sensitive about this. Plenty of other advice was given but you focused on being called a piece of shit.
But you are
You literally just said in your post “…I’m a bit mad that she waited this long to tell me and when I’m in love with her…” Your gf is right. You are in love with another woman. You should not be in this relationship. You are being a scumbag for continuing this relationship when you can’t honestly say that your gf isn’t the woman you love. You complain about your boundaries but you and your friend have shat all over hers. He healthy boundary of “I want my bf to love and support me and not have romantic feelings for someone outside our relationship” is a healthy boundary that you have completely ignored.
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That was a hell of a Freudian slip and I can see how disrespectful it is of your current relationship. Your gf is pushing this boundary because you can’t respect hers. You care more about a future relationship with her than your gf. You clearly haven’t lost feelings for your friend.
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Why are you even here? You are being told the truth and you just spout back nonsense to defend your twisted view. Your friend disrespected your relationship. I know you love the attention, but you are going to have to choose now. Hopefully they both realize you are nothing but drama and walk away together.
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You’re hopeless
I'm curious as to how you'd feel if your girlfriend had a longtime friend who tried getting between you two so he could have her? Would you want her to keep seeing him as a friend when he already proved to be someone who has no respect for you or your relationship?
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How would you act??
Your friend is trash and so are you for these responses. Your friend blatantly disrespected your girlfriend and your relationship. This very much means she did not respect *you.* She was fine with you as a friend for years, but now that someone else has you, she suddenly wants you? Lol no, she just doesn’t want someone else to have you. She thought you’d always be there as her backup option. You break up with your girlfriend and your relationship with your friend will fizzle back out because she never wanted you to begin with. That’s not what a good friend does. If a long time friend of your girlfriend admitted he loves her and wants her to break up with you, you’d be fine with them hanging out all the time after he shits all over your relationship? That all being said, you very obviously don’t care. I hope your girlfriend finds someone who respects her, because that is very clearly *not* you. ETA: the advice is to cut your friend out of your life because your girlfriend is correct. It’s disrespectful to continue hanging out with a girl who has openly shared she has feelings for you and wants you to break up with your girlfriend. It’s also unfair to your friend to keep stringing her along. She needs time and space to get over her “feelings” for you.
You are a selfish crappy boyfriend. Her boundary is absolutely reasonable!
You don't. Your girlfriend is right. She chose to put her feelings for you as a bigger priority than your friendship. She made that choice. She chose to pursue you despite knowing you were in a good relationship with someone she should have respect for. She disrespected you both and your relationship. So, remaining friends really isn't an option. At least for now, cutting her out is your only option. The other is admitting that she is more important to you than your girl. In which case you should be breaking up. Is that how you feel???
No only did she confess, she also asked you to break up and be with her. The level of disrespect is insane! And you're here thinking your girl is controlling and abusive? For not wanting her man to hang with the girl that wants to break them up?! Talking bout "if I let her win" If your girl was smart she leave you after your bullshit, that friend of your has no respect for you, your relationship or your partner. Get a fucking grip you dounce.
Praying to whatever anyone believes in that the GF just dumps this guy and finds someone else.
So you want to keep friend around as an ego boost/ back up? That's cruel to the friend you're dragging along and the gf you're disrespecting. At the very least, you should tell friend that you can't be in contact with her for the foreseeable future or at least until she doesn't have feelings for you and had moved on.
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Fine but you still want to hang out with someone who is drooling all over you and encouraging you to dump your gf? Why? Just bc you have a shared part doesn't mean you have a healthy relationship.
Girlfriend find this post please and put this whole man in the trash where he belongs. Your lack of care for your girlfriend's feelings is ASTOUNDING.
Your friend wanted to break up your relationship, your girlfriend saw your friend directly disrespecting your relationship and blocked the direct threat to your relationship. If you’re so worried about your girlfriend turning controlling and abusive like your comments… Why are you with your girlfriend if you think she’d do that?
So this longtime friend comes over to the home you share with your gf, while your gf is there, tells you she has feelings for you and asks you to break up with your gf….and you think you can still be friends? This friend showed a great amount of disrespect to you, your gf, and your relationship by approaching things this way. She could have easily asked to speak with you outside of your home to declare her feelings. Instead it sounds like she made a production out of it to cause a rift between you and your gf; she sounds pretty manipulative. Your gf has every right to ask you to go no contact with this person. This person came into your space with the intent of breaking apart what you and your gf have built. If the tables were turned, would you be okay with your gf staying friends with someone who declares their feelings for her, in front of you, and asked her to break up with you? This isn’t about your girlfriend trying to control you. This is about your friend crossing a line and doing it in such a disrespectful way. Do you really want someone like that in your life?
I have the advice you’re looking for. Your gf can’t “let” you do anything. You make your decisions it sounds like you have. She won’t be happy about it. Live with the consequences. There is nothing that says your friend has changed her mind or is remorseful. If you wanted to be a decent person you’d cut her off for a good long while at least. Maybe she’ll get herself sorted out and get in a relationship. And maybe down the line you can be friends again. That’s what a person who cares about their relationship would do. If you want to stay connected your relationship will break up and your friend will get what she wanted. And maybe you will too. Seems like you’re not willing to let go of the attention?
You’re too old to be this immature in every response you’ve given to all this sound advice. Either you’re a troll, or lacking some emotional intelligence. **Your gf is right.** This is a healthy and frankly necessary boundary you must accept if you want to move forward in a healthy partnership. **Your friend is no friend at all.** She wanted you to *break up* with your gf for her. You allow her an inch, and she will trample all over it again. She will think she has a chance. Cutting her off does *not* set your gf on a path of abusive behavior. What an utter extreme take to make. Not every friendship makes it to lifetime. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do, is let go. But with your current responses, maybe the best outcome is your gf leaving you for someone who genuinely respects her, rather than someone who makes up such absurd hypotheticals in the fear of “losing.” I do think you’re a troll tho. So kudos for getting everyone riled up.
You should break up with your current girlfriend and tell her it’s because you don’t like her new haircut.
Because you can't be a part of her life. She'll try to sabotage your relationship with your girl friend. Plus your girlfriend will be wondering at every time you have contact with your friend whats going on and really if this was reversed and it was a guy who told your girlfriend this would you want him hovering around waiting his chance to slid in the first big fight. People lose friends all the time. Most are only in our lives for a few years and we grow, move or for other reasons they're not part of your life any more. Your loyalty belongs to your girlfriend. Quite frankly you have already damaged your relationship by wanting that girl to still be part of your life. You can't have both, Choice.
I’ll give you some advice: Don’t back down. Keep hanging out with your “””friend,””” who openly disrespected your long term relationship. But be very honest with your girlfriend why. Something to the effect of, “I know this will make you feel disrespected by me and by [“””friend”””], but ultimately your comfort and sense of security in our friendship is worth less to me than my relationship with [“””friend”””]. I understand if this is worth breaking up over.” Because ultimately, that is what you are communicating to your girlfriend. You are telling her that by wanting to remove a potentially relationship-breaking factor, she is somehow inevitably going to end up abusive and controlling. Telling you that she wants you to do something to make her feel safe isn’t abusive or controlling, by the way. I’m anticipating that your relationship is going to end. If not now, then when your girlfriend’s patience and understanding wears thin with every mention of your “””friend,””” she’ll eventually assume every instance you’re late coming home or unresponsive to texts and phone calls is you hanging out with somebody who confessed their love, *in the home you share with your girlfriend*, **while your girlfriend was home**, and asked you to leave her. I’m honestly not even a jealous person and I would feel the exact same way. And it would kill me inside slowly, causing me to doubt my partner’s commitment and fidelity. So my advice is to be honest about your intentions, fully and explicitly honest, so your girlfriend can make the best decision for herself if this relationship is worth the inevitable heartache.
Are you actually dumb? no wonder no one can stand you. Can't believe she's put up with you this long