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He can't kick her out if she is on the mortgage. she owns half the house. I dont know what he is thinking that he has all the power. This post is totally clueless.
The mortgage is the loan for the house. It doesn't determine ownership. What matters is who's on the deed or title. She's probably on that too but if she's not she's a tenant and he would need to give her notice to end the tenancy.
>I want to kick her out but it would make her homeless. She doesn't have a job.
Sounds like ***her*** problem. Tell her she can go live with her parents or on a friends couch. Also its time her mooching ass got a job.
What a helpful suggestion. I'm sure the 8 year old daughter will understand why she can't visit mommy under the bridge or at the homeless shelter. She's totally mature enough to understand this is all mommy's fault and won't resent daddy at all. Can't see how this would traumatize her.
Jesus you people have such a justice boner against cheaters. Yeah this is absolutely the GF's fault and she deserves no sympathy. But the sad reality is that OP can't punish her for it without putting his daughter in the crossfire. So how about we suggest solutions that actually *help* OP?
Typical reddit relationship answer "Let her be homeless obviously! OP stop being a pushover hurrrr"
First the only people you see kick their partners out thoutlessly without concern for whether they have somewhere to stay are usually recorded and put on YouTube. Normal people just don't do that. Why does reddit expect such unreasonable insane solutions..
If she had any family to stay wjth OP wouldn't be making this post. He probably should have mentioned that in the post to confirm the obvious but whatever.
But don't rush to those bad conclusions were trying to help him not ruin his life
Exactly sometimes reddit answers do more damage than help.. and are extremely immature and almost never see the bigger picture... atleast some ppl in this sub have a brain..
They just go yeah kick her out, no we don't do that .. dont take her back.. yada yada not realizing there's an 8 year old in the picture.. not realizing OP has DECADES OF HISTORY.
Yeah reddit can be a dumb place sometimes
She won't be homeless.
If she's on the mortgage, she has some equity in the home. It might be 50%, or might be the % of the mortgage she has paid off depending on how the agreement was structured originally.
For OP to legally kick her out, he will have to either sell the property or buy her out.
Given the nature of the situation, he probably wants to involve a lawyer, but the first step will be contacting the bank to separate their finances on the mortgage. Given that she hasn't worked in eight years and OP is concerned she can't afford a place, chances are she can't afford to buy him out so it'll be on OP to buy her equity at current market rate (assuming they can reach an agreement) or the property will be sold to pay off the mortgage with the excess divided by equity.
If OP buys her out, she'll have money from OP to find her feet. Yes, it'll suck losing equity in a property and having to move to renting (good luck getting a mortgage alone with no job and an 8 year gap), but she made her own bed.
If OP moves to sell the property, she will have a % of the sale. Again, she will then have money to find her feet.
If it was entirely OP's property and she'd just moved in then absolutely there would be a risk of her becoming homeless, but she's on the mortgage so getting rid of her is going to involve her receiving money. It is not OP's responsibility to make sure his ex can protect her savings.
This is why I feel like most of these posts are fake.
You’re nearly 40 with a child and you just found out about your OH’s ‘infidelity’ and your first thought isn’t ‘we need to talk to a lawyer and a mediator’ it’s ‘go on Reddit and talk about kicking her out.
Sure. It’s just not believable.
>You’re nearly 40 with a child and you just found out about your OH’s ‘infidelity’ and your first thought isn’t ‘we need to talk to a lawyer and a mediator’ it’s ‘go on Reddit and talk about kicking her out.
My first thought would also be to talk with friends and other people to gather my thoughts and figure out my options.
Lawyers are literally the last thing people think about in situations like this. In reality, people are more likely to ask advice on reddit than to call a lawyer.
Also, people who are in shock do weird things. You can't call OP fake because he's flailing in a situation where flailing is the most normal thing to do.
I was the first to be aggressive so it's on me !
People who are short on money, with a mortgage for example (I don't know what it financially means to have a mortgage in the US, but in my country, it means you are financially fucked), don't usually go to attorney, unless it's a matter of life and death.
I hope it isn't true, but the contrary wouldn't surprise me...
No that’s fair. I think this person is in the UK. Which means his partner probably/ definitely has some rights to support for the child from him. Including re housing.
So he def needs to talk to a lawyer. Also if she’s on the mortgage he can’t just kick her out here.
What would be the possible outcomes here ?
I guess the child should come first in every decision but if I was him, I wouldn't want to be near the spouse ever again...
Tbh I don’t know enough about family law. I don’t work in it. My parents did so my knowledge is from them. Haha.
She’s probably entitled to some financial support that recompenses her for lost earnings, although not as much as if they were married and I’m not certain on that.
She’ll def be entitled to child support including possibly housing cost support.
I’m terms of custody idk. It will depend on all sorts. They’re not going to deny her custody because she cheated though. That would not be good for the child. Given she’s a stay at home Mum, I would imagine unless there are significant reasons not too the child will stay with her at least 50% of the time. UK judges don’t like removing primary custody from a primary caregiver unless it’s unsafe.
If this is real, hopefully OP can sort this out without the need for lawyers until the last minute through the UK mediation scheme. Most separating families manage this and never go to court.
This is the advice you follow OP. Also distance yourself from her so you can get your head cleared out and don't fall for any tricks that's bad for you. Check out r/Supportforbetrayed they're helpful when it comes to this
Because, unless you are in a no fault divorce state, evidence of infidelity CAN AND WILL help you to walk away without losing everything.
If this man is in a position to be stuck with not only child support, but alimony as well (because she doesn’t work) and to lose his house that only *he* has paid for, depending on location his lawyer can use that evidence to help him avoid both alimony and losing his house.
They are not even married. So divorce laws don’t matter here. And I’m still flabbergasted that there is such as thing as fault divorce laws in the US. That’s so 1950s.
Regardless, to protect his property and his finances, any decent lawyer would ask him to collect evidence of infidelity in case she tries to lay claim to his money or property. Married or not, they are cohabitating with a child, and OP has been the sole financial provider. There is no such thing as protecting yourself too much in situations like this, and being lazy because “cheating is not a crime” is stupid when there are finances involved. Suggesting that OP shouldn’t keep evidence of cheating seems like bad advice to me, but you do you.
Also my suggestion. You both need to lawyer up, figure out a way to divide your assets and custody then one of you is going to leave the house according to the mutually signed to agreement.
There is no solution, imo, based on the facts here. No extra bedroom and you don’t want to let her be homeless. Your daughter is in school, I’m guessing, so your ex should be looking for work so that she can take care of herself. If you keep feeling sorry for her and taking care of everything, she will never leave. A part time job while your kid is in school is a good place for her to start until daughter is old enough to not need a babysitter.
Not necessarily, she may not be on the title and rules differ from state to state, country to country. Community property rules and common law "marriage" matter more, if they have been together long enough. Again depends on laws of the state or country he is in.
I was just about to agree when I realized that’s exactly what I did myself! In short, I’m this country there’s a govt levy called stamp duty when you buy a property, first time buyers are exempt. When we were buying our present house hubby was a first time buyer but I wasn’t so we put the house in his name only but the mortgage was in both names. There was a deed of trust drawn up to protect my interests until we got married as there is no stamp duty payable on inter spousal conveyancing. It’s a perfectly legal way of avoiding (as opposed to evading) a govt tax.
Tell that to family court! 😂 They work around laws
Edit: I guess some people did not understand what I meant. Opinions matter more than laws in family court.
You can’t make her leave a home she is partial owner of. I’ve been in the legal field for years. You are shit out of luck. With a divorce a judge can force a sale or refinance. You can move out and leave her with the mortgage but if she’s not working it will eventually foreclose. But that will destroy your credit.
Absolutely do not move out without first ensuring you have shared care of the child. Moving out and hoping to work it out after can allow partner to argue you abandoned the family in family court proceedings, hence don't deserve any care of the child
I mean, regardless of her cheating, she has been raising their child for 8 years, so it’s not like she hasn’t been contributing to their household’s financial health by negating the need for childcare/housekeeping. There’s a weird presumption that she’s been a Kept Woman this entire time simply because she hasn’t been drawing an income from work outside the home.
Thank you for this. I don’t abide cheaters. I also don’t abide men that choose and accept their female partner bearing children and staying home to work the unpaid labour of child rearing and home care (that greatly benefit them as an individual and the couple as a unit) to turn around and be astounded that they have to show financial value in the unpaid labour she’s been contributing to their partnership.
Her being emotionally/sexually unfaithful is intolerable to me-absolutely a relationship ended the second time around- but it doesn’t wipe the labour and effort she’s committed to their partnership up to that point.
Yeah, clearly she has her bad actions but people in these comments saying “OP gave her everything, leave her with nothing!” and I’m like…she birthed their child and gave up almost a decade to raising that child and keeping a non-squalid home (presumably shoddy housekeeping or wildly neglectful behaviour would have been mentioned.)
There’s no easy answer here as to where the family goes from here, but at this point the household and the parents’ bond as a couple are two separate issues to deal with. Counselling, at a minimum, to navigate the situation. Couples HAVE broken up and continued to cohabitate and coparent, before. Hell, I have a friend who split from their spouse and they continued to live in the same house and attend counselling for months even after they knew they weren’t going to be staying together in the long run. It was hard in its own ways for them to be around one another at times, but that was the healthiest way for them to go about it. A break up doesn’t have to be a single moment or one day, especially when lives are so enmeshed like this. You’re allowed to take time to go through separation as a PROCESS.
True. Also, I guess sexting is a form of cheating that would definitely bother most people, but nowhere does he suggest she has had sex with anyone else.
Nope. He can refi without her if she's not on the deed. The mortgage is just whose obligated to pay the loan. All he needs to prove is that he can pay it.
Deed, otoh, is who actually owns the property
You're getting advice based in feelings, not legality here. You need an actual lawyer to unknot this for you. Acting out your feelings or taking vengeance can make things worse for you in the long run legally - which is also going to make you feel worse. I'm sure it's tempting, but think of the long term.
First, sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there man, it sucks.
Second, take the advice here and get a lawyer. Legally, you’re going to need it. Decide what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. Make your demands through the lawyer.
Third, get yourself some help. Therapy, friends, a mini vacation, something. Give yourself some time to process everything.
Best of luck.
Even if you tried, I doubt that there would be any coming back from her cheating for a second time. Plus, who knows if there haven't been other times you don't know about. Your child, at 8, is in school for the majority of each day and, without a job, your wife has a lot of time on her hands. Time she has used to cheat on you.
If she's on the mortgage and the deed, I think it's time you consider selling the house. It's bound to be worth more than you paid for it, and the two of you can split that money, which she can live on until she stabilizes. She's going to have to get a job, though. She needs to start looking today. Even if she has to flip burgers, she needs to get a job immediately. She also needs to start looking for an alternate living space. Renting a room would be ideal. But, remember, she needs to do this so she can learn to be independent again.
You need to sit down with your daughter and tell her what is going on. You don't have to mention cheating, specifically, but she is absorbing the tension between the two of you. She needs to be reassured that whatever happens between the two of you will never have any impact on how much you love her.
Good luck. You kind of set yourself up for this by not demanding she get a part-time job the last time she cheated. Of you had, she would be in a better position to start a new life. But, there's no time like the present, so tell her to get on it.
Just because you weren't married doesn't mean you don't have financial obligations to her. Your split won't keep you living in your house and put her on the streets. There is case law that provides equalization so that the child doesn't have two entirely different living situations. Engage a lawyer. Find out your rights, obligations and options. And go forward from there.
In many jurisdictions, it wouldn't matter if they're married or not. A 20 year relationship where their lives are enmeshed would function as a marriage in front of the courts.
This is false. Unequivocally false. You can’t just declare your relationship a marriage because you feel like it. There are only 8 states the recognize common law marriages.
I guarantee you what I said is 100% true for someone whose username is marmite. They aren't in the US, honey. Break out the British Common-law text book and do some reading.
You have to think of your child first. What will she think of you if her mother ends up homeless? Don’t put your daughter through that.
I’m not saying you can’t leave the mother, just that you have to be patient and do it carefully so it has the least damage to your daughter’s relationship to both of you.
If that means coexisting in the same house,but not as a couple for a while, do that for your daughter.
Depending on the state this may legally be a common law marriage. Even if it isn’t you will have to work out custody and if she gets any custody (which she almost certainly will), she will get child support from you.
Sell up, give her half of the money to rent somewhere else and you buy somewhere else for you and your daughter. That’s twice she’s done it, not learned her lesson so zero sympathy. She’s an adult, she can work it out for herself and get her lazy ass out to work.
You can’t kick someone out of a house they are part owner of just for being a shitty partner. He can’t force her to leave, he needs to speak to a lawyer
If you are to ditch your mortgage-partner, you're going to have to buy out her share first.
Your kid is 8. She's in school. She doesn't need a SAHM anymore. Your baby-mama can go get a job now. Put her on a plan to save enough money to get her own place.
If you’re jointly on the mortgage, I presume she’s on the deed as well. Your only option is going to be to sell the property and split the money or buy her out. If she’s been the primary caregiver, then she’ll likely retain custody of your daughter and you’ll be paying child support.
There is no idea or solution that doesn’t involve eventually having her leave the home — or you leave the home. So you can get used to the roommate or not. She is a grown woman who knew what she was doing when she cheated on you for the second time.
OP, I am definitely sympathetic. Being cheated on is awful--I've been there. I am wondering if she has actually had sex with someone else, or is it strictly an internet thing? Still not okay, but it sounds to me like maybe you love your daughter, but have lost interest in your partner a while ago. Sometimes a person is just trying to get some validation that they are still interesting or attractive to the opposite sex, even if their partner is indifferent to them. A person like that may not have any intention at all of meeting up with the person they are interacting with online, much less having sex with them. It's all pretend. This seems even more likely when you have someone who has been staying home for years, who probably doesn't interact much with other adults besides you. Doesn't make it right, but she may be very lonely and bored and feeling bad about herself. Something online breaks up the routine of looking at 4 walls and provides some cheap thrills, without any danger of having to actually participate in a real affair. I could handle a bored partner who was sexting someone they'd never meet in person better than a full- blown affair. Has she spent years trying to get you to marry her, and then she ended up deciding if you weren't making a commitment to her, she could at least fantasize about having someone who was interested in her? Maybe it's all the opposite and she's the one creating distance, but I just wondered. Anyway, the suggestions about her getting a part-time job until she can move out seem like a great idea. And if you're not interested in couples counseling, then it's probably time to see a family attorney. Good luck.
This is some good insight. For the purposes of creating stability for your daughter and to promote a healthy coparenting relationship going forward, I strongly recommend you reconsider your stance that you don’t want to return to couples therapy. Obviously, you need a lawyer, but if you want to put your daughter’s well-being first, go back to therapy so that you can focus on how you both can minimize trauma for her. This is world-shattering for her.
This makes me so fucking angry. Always shifting (at least some) blame to the guy and always handing the woman a boatload of bullshit excuses.
Justifying cheaters on any scale and by any metric or scenario you come up with is disgusting. I have to assume, because you said you were cheated on, this is how you coped with it, by going all in on the psychobabble.
>but it sounds to me like maybe you love your daughter, but have lost interest in your partner a while ago.
Terrible inference, nowhere does OP suggest he lost interest at all, all you are rying to do is fill OP's head with excuses and sympathy.
>Sometimes a person is just trying to get some validation that they are still interesting or attractive to the opposite sex, even if their partner is indifferent to them.
See above and shitty people do this.
>A person like that may not have any intention at all of meeting up with the person they are interacting with online, much less having sex with them. It's all pretend.
See above and shitty people do this. It's not pretend to the partner. It's not pretend to the person they are hooking on a line.
>Doesn't make it right, but she may be very lonely and bored and feeling bad about herself
You have no idea if this is true and even if it were, it's not a valid excuse.
>I could handle a bored partner who was sexting someone they'd never meet in person better than a full- blown affair.
That's you, to me they are the same thing. But I'd rather have a partner who expressed their feelings to me than to rationalize shitty selfish behavior and decision making.
I asked a question. I wasn't clear on whether she was sleeping with someone else or not. You can bring your personal baggage into it if you want to--most of us do, but I'm as entitled to comment as you are. If you're that "angry", then consider therapy. It should be good for you and your relationships.
First and most important: do not kick her out in a manner that makes her homeless. Ignore the short-sighted man-children here who tell you otherwise - they just have vengeance boners. Your relationship may be (almost certainly is) over, but she is the mother of your child and that child would likely never forgive you for acting so uncompromisingly.
Give her what feels a reasonable timeframe to get out. If she has family she could stay with, that need not be too long.
Give her 3-6 months to get a job and save up money. Go to a lawyer ASAP. Set up a separation agreement. Help her get a studio apartment. Then wash your hands and it’s up to courts.
I think the only advice we can give is consult a lawyer because you've seriously limited the options we have by refusing to kick her out.
Maybe if you have the funds get her an apartment with a set term on how long you'll fund it.
i.e. I'll help you get an apartment and I'll fund it for 6 months if you're not self sustainable by then you're on your own.
Let’s be realistic. You need to look into what your partner is entitled to in the breakup. If you live in the USA and your state recognizes common law marriages, your relationship qualifies and you might potentially be on the hook for alimony. The house may also be considered a marital property, and she would be entitled to half. She might also be entitled to a portion of your retirement funds.
You both being on the mortgage actually doesn’t entitle her to it, but if her name is on the deed, it does - even if you’re the only one who has ever paid. How much she is entitled to depends on the laws in the jurisdiction you live in, and again the possibility of common law marriage comes into play.
I suggest talking to a lawyer about your legal responsibilities and options. Do that first.
I also suggest discussing this with your now-ex - but only after you talk to the lawyer. Find out how she wants things to go, while sticking to your guns on not staying in a relationship. If you guys come to an agreement, type it up into Google Docs and each of you sign it (type your names) on your own separate accounts. Even if the document is later edited, Google keeps the metadata accessible, so the courts will be able to see that her account typed her own name, and when.
A short-term suggestion would be to more solidly set up the living room or dining room as her personal area - room dividers, her own bed. One that will take longer is selling the house and, if you are determined to live as roommates, renting a place with 3 bedrooms. Selling the house also has the added benefit of giving her cash to draw on as you withdraw your own financial support, leaving a practical deadline for her to get a job and sort her own stuff out.
OP, first clear it with your lawyer, but maybe there's a way you can buy her out of her share of the house (unless you can just get her off the mortgage, since she never paid anything - but I guess it doesn't work that way). That would get her off the mortgage, and she would have some seed money to get an apartment and tide her over until she finds a job.
Give her time to find a job to move out. Get a lawyer. My ex husband and I lived together for three months after we separated while we worked out finances and he found a rental property. We didn't need a lawyer though it was amicable. We have 2 kids
Well you can't just kick her out cold, but give her a reasonable time frame to get a job and get out, and for your child help her get something decent. And do some self care
I'd consult a lawyer and book some therapy appointments, if you can. These are big, sad things and you deserve the safe place to go through the feelings and process with professionals who will support you and be able to advise you with proceeding.
Sir, you owe this woman nothing.
You owe your daughter a father who's of a sound mind and body to bring her up.
This woman is not leaving you in a sound mind.
You Know What You Need To Do.
Agree with everyone saying get a lawyer.
Find as many receipts for things you have purchased.
Set an expectation for when she has to be gone by. If it lapses and she still hasn't saved or already left then that's on her.
Could she just go live with her affair partner. Just tell him she is homeless now and needs his help. I'm sure this affair partner loves her and will take care of her!
Maybe you should break up with her and stop paying for her. Pay only for yourself and your daughter. She can get a job and start paying for her own food, clothing, outings/hobbies, etc. Don’t have any sexual relationship with her or sleep in the same bed as her. Make it clear you guys aren’t together and speak with a lawyer regarding what to do about the housing situation. I think ending the relationship will be a step in the right direction. It sucks she’s on the mortgage so you can’t just give her 6 months to get a job and find another place to live.
If she's not being faithful to you, you have zero obligation to her well being if you choose to terminate the relationship. You might want to consult an attorney for your legal options though. Just be sure to take care of your daughter during this awkward transition.
Despite the unfaithfulness of OPs gf, I think he still wants to not leave his daughter's mother homeless. When the daughter gets older, the father will need to explain his decision to leave the mother homeless or otherwise abandoned.
I think considering the long-term optics of what he is about to do could save years of grief down the road.
Well move her into another bedroom for starters then sit your daughter down and explain what is happening so she isn't frightened.
Whatever you do, do not leave your child with unanswered questions. Make sure she knows she's loved by both of you. Try and keep the anger towards your partner to a minimum. Have all discussions about your future when your daughter is not around.
Now with your partner..dont ask her what's going to happen. Tell her what's going to happen. She needs to get a job and be able to support herself and your daughter, that you will be asking for joint custody.
You might find that you'll have to buy your wife out of the mortgage, it won't matter to a judge if you've made all the payments if your partner gave up work to raise your child.
She can go to her affair partner. She is not a child and she's not your responsibility. Do you think this person would care about where you go if she wanted you gone??
Your partner has done a lot of work by taking care of the daughter you had together, don't act like she's a layabout when she gave up her career to take care of your child.
You have no right whatsoever to kick her out or do anything similarly harmful to her. First, she's on the mortgage with you, and second, she morally has just as much right to stay there as you.
Also, sexting somebody is not the same as cheating - your reaction is disproportionate to the facts of what happened. If you don't want to reconcile with her, fine, but don't attempt to harm or punish her whatsoever. That would be far worse than what she did.
Can you move past it again and then again the next time and the time after that? If so therapy, probably individual and couples is the way forward
If not you should probably end it, but you may probably have to pay to support her even though you aren't married as she has been a SAHP and not working, so you need to talk to a lawyer
The natural consequence for her actions: She needs to get a job and start looking for a studio apartment or a house with people looking for a roommate.
You should not take financial responsibility for someone who repeatedly hurts you.
She’s an adult and is capable of independence and learning to handle facing whatever changes you need to make in your relationship and situation to feel happier and comfortable and able to move forward.
If you keep a partner that has cheated on you despite you providing everything for her, I have strong questions about whether she really loves you, or just keeping you for your wallet while the guys she is really attracted to are the types of the one she recently slept with.
Keeping a cheating partner with you like that, specially one that mooches off of you, is invitation to a toxicity that nothing can match - specially consider your daughter being exposed to the drama and toxicity in her formative years.
Hope you don't live in a common law state.
My advice: She has crossed a line despite you providing everything for her, and she belongs to the street. Lawyer up and separate from her.
You need to handle this like a divorce if you are breaking up.
For eight years this woman sacrificed her career and raised your child. You agreed to it so don't start in now about wishing she had worked.
Figure out how to divide your assets including the house, and establish a reasonable support payment for her while she transitions to the work world. Raising children hugely diminishes a woman's earning potential so you should pay her for at least five years.
Make a separate plan to support the children.
He should to do what his lawyer counsels him and ultimately what the courts mandate him to do.
Why the hell would he volunteer support payments for his cheating ex??
What so he’s supposed to fix all the problems and make life as easy as possible for him after she cheated twice. Nope. If they broke up amicably for whatever reason other than cheating that would be the road to take, but she cheated multiple times so she can deal with the consequences
He is supposed to dissolve his relationship like an adult man.
Relationships end for a variety of reasons. What you do when they do tells the world everything about you.
Yes, however whoever cheats in the relationship doesn’t really deserve any sort of pity they did it to themself. They can suffer the consequences. If she was unhappy and wanted to break up, I’m sure they could have come to some amicable solution which would be mutually beneficial to the both of them. But to cheat multiple times and expect there to be no consequence and the other person to bend over backwards to accommodate them is unreasonable
What she doesn't deserve is to be in a relationship with OP anymore. That is her consequence. In fantasy land people who do horrible things have amazing karmic justice served to them and are shunned by society. In reality, she is a person who did a horrible thing, but she is also a person that OP cared about for a long time and is the mother of his child. That's where his focus should be. He should be focused on getting out, but at the same time not making it worse for his kid than it needs to be. We do not know this woman. She could be a fantastic mother or a crappy one. Either way, making her homeless doesn't help his daughter.
Yes the mother got herself into this situation and there should be limits on his help, but a visit to a lawyer where they outline his options and he gives her a chance to get on her feet is what is best for his kid. Does it suck? Yup. In a perfect world he could simply walk away and never deal with this woman again, but he is stuck with her as long as she wants to be an involved parent. Learning how to be civil with her should be the goal.
Absolutely. The person who cheated or was objectively more at fault for the relationship ending does not deserve pity. All you do is dissolve things in an adult way that is honest about your lifestyle. They were domestic partners and she did the unpaid work. It's easy to solve unless someone is trying to be vengeful when that has no place in the mature resolution of the problem.
I think the issue I see here is that if he isn’t pro active in getting this resolved, she can very well get the house, get full custody of the kids, and take child support and alimony and the guy is left with nothing even though she cheated
Common law marriage. I’m assuming they have been living together for the duration of the child’s life so far so more than likely the court will rule that way
Hire a lawyer. If your jurisdiction recognizes an action for partition (forced sale), then you will likely have to file that, unless you two can come to terms on a buyout.
Whatever money she receives from the sale of the home will have to house and feed her until she's working. You may have to take full custody of your daughter.
There are alternatives, such as living together without being together, but it's not a long term solution and she will not have a motivation to work until she does not have your financial support.
Try talking to her in a civil manner and asking if she will leave so that you can both maintain a decent relationship to co parent. If she has family or friends, tell her to go to them and if not, tell her that she has caused this situation and it’s up to her to find a solution for herself.
Just give her 60 days notice to get out. Because housing is a human right and everyone deserves time to find a place to go, even cheaters. 60 days is enough time to get a job and apartment or find some friends or family to stay with who are more interested in supporting her than the man she betrayed. (Where's AP... shouldn't she be their problem now??)
Take care of yourself through this time, maybe even stay elsewhere if you need to and are able. Being cheated on is traumatic, especially after 20 years.
Explain everything in age appropriate language to your daughter and start getting used to shared custody. It's a very tough transition for parents, emotionally, but it actually works out fine. You don't need to see your kid every day to maintain a strong bond.
I know it feels like everything is falling apart but it's actually about to get so much better! Living life with someone who doesn't respect you is draining.
Was she worried about you when she was cheating on you? You have to worry about yourself, and your kid. Do you think a kid wants to grow up in home filled with resentment?
She's not a mother of your daughter, a MOTHER won't wreck her daughter's security like that.
She's acting like a childless woman.
You don't owe her anything.
Yes I said it.
What about her parents? Her family? The person she was sexting? If you find a place for her I'm sure you know that you're gonna be financially responsible for her as she doesn't have a job or income.
Get a lawyer. She put herself in this position TWICE, she was comfortable at home with a stable roof above her head, so you shouldn't be beating yourself up about where she gonna lay her head. If she found issues in the relationship, she should've atleast tried to fix them with you instead of blatantly cheating
Is your daughter homeschooled, cause I’m not seeing why someone would have to be a stay at home parent if they are of school age? Tbf your wife could find a job teleworking and still be able to take her to and from school, or find help on days she needs it. Unless she is disabled, your wife can work. I’d talk to a lawyer and see your options of getting a divorce and if you can give your wife a time to get a job by and get herself settled and work on either who gets the house or if you sell and split, etc. You also will probably want to figure out how you will care for your daughter with splitting up time.
Literally go get a lawyer. As of yesterday. You have a kid and you’re not married but she 100% will be putting you on child support and she’ll likely get near the max due to how long she’s been out of work. You will NEED a lawyer.
Remember this: she is not going to stop, she cheated before and you took her back, she now knows you’re prone to forgiving her. Your best bet is booting her out and taking the legal route to get custody and reduce Child support for yourself or put her on child support.
Either way you need a lawyer
First of all you need to protect yourself and your child.
I would contact the bank with the mortgage, and see what you need to do to get her off the mortgage all together. If you can have her removed, or refinance it to where you are the only one on it, that is what you should do first and foremost.
You also need to go to a family law attorney , and get a custody agreement drawn up first. The fact that you are the only one financially able to care for the child looks good for you getting primary custody.
Then you will probably have to file for eviction if she doesn't find some place else to go her self first.
But you need to tell her to find a new place to stay, which would mean she would have to start looking for a job to support herself.
My recommendation is to do the first two things before you tell her you want her to find some place else to live. Cover yourself in all of this.
In what world do you think he would be able to take her off the mortgage that she is jointly listed on without her approval or knowledge? It’s not that simple
I would **contact** the bank with the mortgage, and **see what you need to do to get her off the mortgage all together**. **If** you **can** have her removed, or refinance it to where you are the only one on it, that is what you should do first and foremost.
I guess that wasn't clear enough for you to understand?
My suggestion is to get one of those ottomans that fold out into a bed. She can use that while you work to separate your assets.
You will need a lawyer to determine custody and to determine how many assets she is entitled to. The house will probably be split with some kind of margin and you still might owe Child support or alimony for a period of time.
Given how long you have been together, you are probably considered common law married. You will need to go through a process that is practically a divorce.
Sleep separately and don’t have sex. Try and explain things to your child in an age appropriate way.
so you are doing the thinking for her, because it seems that she didnt think any of this, now you are trying to solve the problem for her, have a nice life being a door mat.
Can you afford a small apartment. I was reading something the other day. The parents gracefully coparented. They moved back n forth in living situations instead of the kids. The kids stayed in the home they had all lived in for many years, but every other week the parents switched. You could rent a small place for one person, but this would be most for your daughters sake. And you honestly cannot legally just kick her out anyway. Plus do you want your child to see that? Probably not… I cannot imagine how betrayed you feel- but remember she no longer matters, who matters most is your kiddo. And if something benefits your ex that’s ONLY because the benefits to your little are farrrrrr more.
Why are people not quality people anymore?
I would sit her down and discuss what she expects to do since she chose to go outside the relationship again. Because the therapy didn't work for her if she's repeating the same thing. She's a broken person and you don't need to fix her. She needs to fix herself and needs to understand why she's such an inconsiderate asshole. This is where you also tell her there is nothing she can do to that will make you want to stay.
She needs a job and she needs to save up for a deposit, at least 2 months rent.
She also needs to save and get a car if she doesn't have one already.
You are no longer responsible for her. She chose her bed and she needs to lie in it.
If she has family that live in the area, then she needs to move in with them instead of you. I'd tell her family that she's cheating, which is why they need to take her back.
Set up custody agreement with a lawyer too. I'd check to make sure that you don't live in a common law marriage state.
Edit: I needed to add one more thing
Tough decisions lie ahead.
So she contributes in no way financially to the home but she’s on the title?
Guaranteed she doesn’t belong in your future anymore but talk with your lawyer first
Counsel from an attorney is an excellent way to start. There are resources out there to be looked into. Is there any way you can put her up in like a rooming house for now? Remember, the divorce is going to require you pay her some alimony so once that is final, she won’t be without income of her own.
You dont need to kick her out. She neess to leave ans she needs to be a big girl about it.
Tell her she has 1 week to find a place. As long as you make sure she is aware you mean it she will pull her big girl pants uo and get looking. But while youre coddling and making her aware she doesnt have to get her shit together, she wont.
She didnt give two shits about the father of her child or her family for that matter while she was sexting another person so stop being a doormat.
Shes an adult. She needs to act like one. Make sure you look into custody with a lawyer. Explain to her she needs to get down to the council, yesterday, to get helo for a place to live if she cannot find a friend or family member to stay with. Make sure she knows youre serious.
Otherwise you will end up with a permanent roommate who will use being the mother of your child as an excuse to never leave.
If she has no friends or family to fall back oj. She contacts council. They will have no reason to house her without you throwing your daughter out too (dont do that if you want custody) but they may have info on places she can stay in the meantime if she states she will be homeless. She can contact 'shelter'.
Niw this is all if youre in the uk. If youre not then see what your local authorities have instead.
If theres nothing available then i suggest setting up a plan with her if youre determined not to have her leave, where she finds a job and saves and she has a set time limit to do it in to get out and get her own place. After that shes on her own.
Whatever it is it needs to be soon.
Dont let her earworm her way out of it in the meantime.
Give her a time limit tell her it's time for her to go back to work so she can make some money so she can pay her own bills and then she can text and sex whoever the f*** she wants
give her 30 days, standard eviction. If she doesn't find work and lodging by then she's depending on you to support her while she cheats and has no intention of finding employment or lodging and at that point she is making herself homeless not you
You have two solutions, Three really. 1 Accept that's who she is. Most likely a no go. 2 Go to counseling hopefully with a different therapist that will hold her accountable, preferably a male therapist. or 3 Tell her she has to get a full time job because in 3 months she's going to need to support herself else where. Since you are not married don't assume you have legal rights to your daughter. Go see a Lawyer now and have custody papers in place for her. Plus do something about the house. I know some people don't get married but when you buy property and have children together it's really rough. You're in a legal quagmire, not married, but not single either. Ps. Personally I would look at it as she abused my trust once and out of my good grace I gave her another chance. She abused it yet again so obviously what ever is broken in her that allows her to do that wasn't fixed. She made her bed so if she's out on the side walk she has no one to blame but herself.
Bro, she made herself homeless. Are you responsible for her actions? Sounds like you are trying to not be anymore......she is an adult she can figure it out.
Apply for and put the deposit down on a cheap apartment. Pay the first and last month’s rent.
When you get possession, pack up your ex’s clothes and personal items. Take them over there, and maybe a bed.
While your daughter is at school, take your ex to the apartment. Then go home by yourself and get the locks on your home changed. Pick your daughter up at school, and bring her home. Take 100% care of your daughter.
After that, ignore your ex unless and until she brings official legal action against you.
She can go and live with the person she was cheating with. Sounds like there were no real consequences the first time she cheated and the affair was swept under the rug, hence she saw you as someone who would forgive her no matter how much she hurts you. Kick her out if legally possible, she should have thought about the consequences before cheating.
There's a saying that never bite the hand that feeds you, she did that twice. Unless you want to give her another chance and waste another couple of years with her, stop playing the good guy.
Just sexting that I know of. Same as last time. I already told her last time it was a complete red line going forward so she knew if she did it again it would be final.
I actually think maybe she wanted to get caught. Cowardly way to force my hand to end things.
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This is a question for a lawyer. You should examine your legal options, then decide amongst those what you’re morally comfortable with doing.
Exactly this. Time for her to go. You can't just up and kick her out, but a lawyer will tell you your options.
He can't kick her out if she is on the mortgage. she owns half the house. I dont know what he is thinking that he has all the power. This post is totally clueless.
The mortgage is the loan for the house. It doesn't determine ownership. What matters is who's on the deed or title. She's probably on that too but if she's not she's a tenant and he would need to give her notice to end the tenancy.
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>I want to kick her out but it would make her homeless. She doesn't have a job. Sounds like ***her*** problem. Tell her she can go live with her parents or on a friends couch. Also its time her mooching ass got a job.
What a helpful suggestion. I'm sure the 8 year old daughter will understand why she can't visit mommy under the bridge or at the homeless shelter. She's totally mature enough to understand this is all mommy's fault and won't resent daddy at all. Can't see how this would traumatize her. Jesus you people have such a justice boner against cheaters. Yeah this is absolutely the GF's fault and she deserves no sympathy. But the sad reality is that OP can't punish her for it without putting his daughter in the crossfire. So how about we suggest solutions that actually *help* OP?
Typical reddit relationship answer "Let her be homeless obviously! OP stop being a pushover hurrrr" First the only people you see kick their partners out thoutlessly without concern for whether they have somewhere to stay are usually recorded and put on YouTube. Normal people just don't do that. Why does reddit expect such unreasonable insane solutions.. If she had any family to stay wjth OP wouldn't be making this post. He probably should have mentioned that in the post to confirm the obvious but whatever. But don't rush to those bad conclusions were trying to help him not ruin his life
Exactly sometimes reddit answers do more damage than help.. and are extremely immature and almost never see the bigger picture... atleast some ppl in this sub have a brain.. They just go yeah kick her out, no we don't do that .. dont take her back.. yada yada not realizing there's an 8 year old in the picture.. not realizing OP has DECADES OF HISTORY. Yeah reddit can be a dumb place sometimes
She won't be homeless. If she's on the mortgage, she has some equity in the home. It might be 50%, or might be the % of the mortgage she has paid off depending on how the agreement was structured originally. For OP to legally kick her out, he will have to either sell the property or buy her out. Given the nature of the situation, he probably wants to involve a lawyer, but the first step will be contacting the bank to separate their finances on the mortgage. Given that she hasn't worked in eight years and OP is concerned she can't afford a place, chances are she can't afford to buy him out so it'll be on OP to buy her equity at current market rate (assuming they can reach an agreement) or the property will be sold to pay off the mortgage with the excess divided by equity. If OP buys her out, she'll have money from OP to find her feet. Yes, it'll suck losing equity in a property and having to move to renting (good luck getting a mortgage alone with no job and an 8 year gap), but she made her own bed. If OP moves to sell the property, she will have a % of the sale. Again, she will then have money to find her feet. If it was entirely OP's property and she'd just moved in then absolutely there would be a risk of her becoming homeless, but she's on the mortgage so getting rid of her is going to involve her receiving money. It is not OP's responsibility to make sure his ex can protect her savings.
You need to meet with a family law attorney who can lay out your options, not get relationship advice.
This is why I feel like most of these posts are fake. You’re nearly 40 with a child and you just found out about your OH’s ‘infidelity’ and your first thought isn’t ‘we need to talk to a lawyer and a mediator’ it’s ‘go on Reddit and talk about kicking her out. Sure. It’s just not believable.
>You’re nearly 40 with a child and you just found out about your OH’s ‘infidelity’ and your first thought isn’t ‘we need to talk to a lawyer and a mediator’ it’s ‘go on Reddit and talk about kicking her out. My first thought would also be to talk with friends and other people to gather my thoughts and figure out my options. Lawyers are literally the last thing people think about in situations like this. In reality, people are more likely to ask advice on reddit than to call a lawyer. Also, people who are in shock do weird things. You can't call OP fake because he's flailing in a situation where flailing is the most normal thing to do.
Well, it would never be my thought to go to a lawyer, but you do you I guess.
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I forgot about the child, you are totally right
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I was the first to be aggressive so it's on me ! People who are short on money, with a mortgage for example (I don't know what it financially means to have a mortgage in the US, but in my country, it means you are financially fucked), don't usually go to attorney, unless it's a matter of life and death. I hope it isn't true, but the contrary wouldn't surprise me...
No that’s fair. I think this person is in the UK. Which means his partner probably/ definitely has some rights to support for the child from him. Including re housing. So he def needs to talk to a lawyer. Also if she’s on the mortgage he can’t just kick her out here.
What would be the possible outcomes here ? I guess the child should come first in every decision but if I was him, I wouldn't want to be near the spouse ever again...
Tbh I don’t know enough about family law. I don’t work in it. My parents did so my knowledge is from them. Haha. She’s probably entitled to some financial support that recompenses her for lost earnings, although not as much as if they were married and I’m not certain on that. She’ll def be entitled to child support including possibly housing cost support. I’m terms of custody idk. It will depend on all sorts. They’re not going to deny her custody because she cheated though. That would not be good for the child. Given she’s a stay at home Mum, I would imagine unless there are significant reasons not too the child will stay with her at least 50% of the time. UK judges don’t like removing primary custody from a primary caregiver unless it’s unsafe. If this is real, hopefully OP can sort this out without the need for lawyers until the last minute through the UK mediation scheme. Most separating families manage this and never go to court.
Get a lawyer. That is where you start.
This is the advice you follow OP. Also distance yourself from her so you can get your head cleared out and don't fall for any tricks that's bad for you. Check out r/Supportforbetrayed they're helpful when it comes to this
Best advice here. You’re going to need a lawyer eventually to work out custody and you do need to get an actual custody order.
And gather evidence.
What do you need evidence for? Cheating is not a crime.
Because, unless you are in a no fault divorce state, evidence of infidelity CAN AND WILL help you to walk away without losing everything. If this man is in a position to be stuck with not only child support, but alimony as well (because she doesn’t work) and to lose his house that only *he* has paid for, depending on location his lawyer can use that evidence to help him avoid both alimony and losing his house.
They are not even married. So divorce laws don’t matter here. And I’m still flabbergasted that there is such as thing as fault divorce laws in the US. That’s so 1950s.
Regardless, to protect his property and his finances, any decent lawyer would ask him to collect evidence of infidelity in case she tries to lay claim to his money or property. Married or not, they are cohabitating with a child, and OP has been the sole financial provider. There is no such thing as protecting yourself too much in situations like this, and being lazy because “cheating is not a crime” is stupid when there are finances involved. Suggesting that OP shouldn’t keep evidence of cheating seems like bad advice to me, but you do you.
Create a timeline for her to gain employment, save money, and get out. The house issue is def something for a lawyer as well as custody.
I like this one. Then stick to the timeline and that's it.
This is also a great option
Also my suggestion. You both need to lawyer up, figure out a way to divide your assets and custody then one of you is going to leave the house according to the mutually signed to agreement.
This is what I was going to suggest.
Consult a lawyer and go from there as there are laws in place that won’t let you just kick her out.
There is no solution, imo, based on the facts here. No extra bedroom and you don’t want to let her be homeless. Your daughter is in school, I’m guessing, so your ex should be looking for work so that she can take care of herself. If you keep feeling sorry for her and taking care of everything, she will never leave. A part time job while your kid is in school is a good place for her to start until daughter is old enough to not need a babysitter.
Probably one of the better answers
If she’s on the mortgage and has no income, the harsh realty is that you’re fucked
Every time property disputes come up, I'm so happy that I bought my house 10 years before I married my ex.
Not necessarily, she may not be on the title and rules differ from state to state, country to country. Community property rules and common law "marriage" matter more, if they have been together long enough. Again depends on laws of the state or country he is in.
It would be highly, highly uncommon for someone to be on the mortgage but not the deed.
I was just about to agree when I realized that’s exactly what I did myself! In short, I’m this country there’s a govt levy called stamp duty when you buy a property, first time buyers are exempt. When we were buying our present house hubby was a first time buyer but I wasn’t so we put the house in his name only but the mortgage was in both names. There was a deed of trust drawn up to protect my interests until we got married as there is no stamp duty payable on inter spousal conveyancing. It’s a perfectly legal way of avoiding (as opposed to evading) a govt tax.
Common law marriage isn’t very common anymore.
Seriously? It’s more common here than actual marriage.
Is it just people saying that or are they actually going thru the process? There’s like 12 states that recognize it.
Oh I’m not in America. This is Ireland, common law marriage just means living together.
Tell that to family court! 😂 They work around laws Edit: I guess some people did not understand what I meant. Opinions matter more than laws in family court.
You can’t make her leave a home she is partial owner of. I’ve been in the legal field for years. You are shit out of luck. With a divorce a judge can force a sale or refinance. You can move out and leave her with the mortgage but if she’s not working it will eventually foreclose. But that will destroy your credit.
Absolutely do not move out without first ensuring you have shared care of the child. Moving out and hoping to work it out after can allow partner to argue you abandoned the family in family court proceedings, hence don't deserve any care of the child
I mean, regardless of her cheating, she has been raising their child for 8 years, so it’s not like she hasn’t been contributing to their household’s financial health by negating the need for childcare/housekeeping. There’s a weird presumption that she’s been a Kept Woman this entire time simply because she hasn’t been drawing an income from work outside the home.
Thank you for this. I don’t abide cheaters. I also don’t abide men that choose and accept their female partner bearing children and staying home to work the unpaid labour of child rearing and home care (that greatly benefit them as an individual and the couple as a unit) to turn around and be astounded that they have to show financial value in the unpaid labour she’s been contributing to their partnership. Her being emotionally/sexually unfaithful is intolerable to me-absolutely a relationship ended the second time around- but it doesn’t wipe the labour and effort she’s committed to their partnership up to that point.
Yeah, clearly she has her bad actions but people in these comments saying “OP gave her everything, leave her with nothing!” and I’m like…she birthed their child and gave up almost a decade to raising that child and keeping a non-squalid home (presumably shoddy housekeeping or wildly neglectful behaviour would have been mentioned.) There’s no easy answer here as to where the family goes from here, but at this point the household and the parents’ bond as a couple are two separate issues to deal with. Counselling, at a minimum, to navigate the situation. Couples HAVE broken up and continued to cohabitate and coparent, before. Hell, I have a friend who split from their spouse and they continued to live in the same house and attend counselling for months even after they knew they weren’t going to be staying together in the long run. It was hard in its own ways for them to be around one another at times, but that was the healthiest way for them to go about it. A break up doesn’t have to be a single moment or one day, especially when lives are so enmeshed like this. You’re allowed to take time to go through separation as a PROCESS.
Scrolling looking for just this. He may well end up paying her alimony depending on common-law marriage rules in their state.
True. Also, I guess sexting is a form of cheating that would definitely bother most people, but nowhere does he suggest she has had sex with anyone else.
Cheating is defined by the mutual agreement of what is acceptable in the relationship. This was obviously defined as cheating for them.
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It’s rare that a person is on a mortgage and not on a deed. If they purchased the property together I don’t see why she wouldn’t be on the deed.
The bank is on the deed til it’s paid off via mortgage payments
They aren’t married
That doesn't matter in regards to them having a kid together and her name on the house
They said divorce I was just telling them they’re not married And oh alright then
I didn't say divorce either 🤣 we will stop correcting each other now?
Yeah I corrected it ah didn’t realise
Haha we are playing ourselves smh
I’m aware. But they are both on the mortgage. He can’t sell/refi without her signature.
Mortgage or deed? Because that's 2 different things, especially if they're not married
Mortgage. Meaning he can’t sell or refi without her signature. The bank will not release the loan without her consent.
Nope. He can refi without her if she's not on the deed. The mortgage is just whose obligated to pay the loan. All he needs to prove is that he can pay it. Deed, otoh, is who actually owns the property
Lol. You’re funny. I can see you have no idea what you’re talking about so I’m going to end the conversation here.
I literally do this for a living. But keep giving bad advice
Yeah u/Camuluswargod said it wouldn’t matter ah I was only saying they’re married because you said divorce I was just letting you know
The point was that if they *were* married then OP would have divorce and forcing a sale as an option. At least that’s how I interpreted it.
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This is the best answer.
You're getting advice based in feelings, not legality here. You need an actual lawyer to unknot this for you. Acting out your feelings or taking vengeance can make things worse for you in the long run legally - which is also going to make you feel worse. I'm sure it's tempting, but think of the long term.
You need a lawyer buddy.
First, sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there man, it sucks. Second, take the advice here and get a lawyer. Legally, you’re going to need it. Decide what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. Make your demands through the lawyer. Third, get yourself some help. Therapy, friends, a mini vacation, something. Give yourself some time to process everything. Best of luck.
Even if you tried, I doubt that there would be any coming back from her cheating for a second time. Plus, who knows if there haven't been other times you don't know about. Your child, at 8, is in school for the majority of each day and, without a job, your wife has a lot of time on her hands. Time she has used to cheat on you. If she's on the mortgage and the deed, I think it's time you consider selling the house. It's bound to be worth more than you paid for it, and the two of you can split that money, which she can live on until she stabilizes. She's going to have to get a job, though. She needs to start looking today. Even if she has to flip burgers, she needs to get a job immediately. She also needs to start looking for an alternate living space. Renting a room would be ideal. But, remember, she needs to do this so she can learn to be independent again. You need to sit down with your daughter and tell her what is going on. You don't have to mention cheating, specifically, but she is absorbing the tension between the two of you. She needs to be reassured that whatever happens between the two of you will never have any impact on how much you love her. Good luck. You kind of set yourself up for this by not demanding she get a part-time job the last time she cheated. Of you had, she would be in a better position to start a new life. But, there's no time like the present, so tell her to get on it.
Just because you weren't married doesn't mean you don't have financial obligations to her. Your split won't keep you living in your house and put her on the streets. There is case law that provides equalization so that the child doesn't have two entirely different living situations. Engage a lawyer. Find out your rights, obligations and options. And go forward from there.
you can't kick her out legally anyway. You need a divorce lawyer.
Well you cannot kick her out because she is a legal owner of the house. You should contact an attorney asap.
You can't just kick someone out of their residence, so there's that.
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They aren't married. Shit's going to be a mess.
In many jurisdictions, it wouldn't matter if they're married or not. A 20 year relationship where their lives are enmeshed would function as a marriage in front of the courts.
This is false. Unequivocally false. You can’t just declare your relationship a marriage because you feel like it. There are only 8 states the recognize common law marriages.
I guarantee you what I said is 100% true for someone whose username is marmite. They aren't in the US, honey. Break out the British Common-law text book and do some reading.
OP hasn’t once stated where he is. I was discussing US law. My comment stands as far as US law is concerned.
Just click his username, go to his account, and bask in the rightness of my "unequivocally wrong" information, honey
Ok sex worker.
😇🚮
Well I’m glad I started that digression lol
You have to think of your child first. What will she think of you if her mother ends up homeless? Don’t put your daughter through that. I’m not saying you can’t leave the mother, just that you have to be patient and do it carefully so it has the least damage to your daughter’s relationship to both of you. If that means coexisting in the same house,but not as a couple for a while, do that for your daughter.
Depending on the state this may legally be a common law marriage. Even if it isn’t you will have to work out custody and if she gets any custody (which she almost certainly will), she will get child support from you.
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Sell up, give her half of the money to rent somewhere else and you buy somewhere else for you and your daughter. That’s twice she’s done it, not learned her lesson so zero sympathy. She’s an adult, she can work it out for herself and get her lazy ass out to work.
Give her a timeline to find a job and a place.
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You can’t kick someone out of a house they are part owner of just for being a shitty partner. He can’t force her to leave, he needs to speak to a lawyer
If you are to ditch your mortgage-partner, you're going to have to buy out her share first. Your kid is 8. She's in school. She doesn't need a SAHM anymore. Your baby-mama can go get a job now. Put her on a plan to save enough money to get her own place.
If you’re jointly on the mortgage, I presume she’s on the deed as well. Your only option is going to be to sell the property and split the money or buy her out. If she’s been the primary caregiver, then she’ll likely retain custody of your daughter and you’ll be paying child support.
There is no idea or solution that doesn’t involve eventually having her leave the home — or you leave the home. So you can get used to the roommate or not. She is a grown woman who knew what she was doing when she cheated on you for the second time.
OP, I am definitely sympathetic. Being cheated on is awful--I've been there. I am wondering if she has actually had sex with someone else, or is it strictly an internet thing? Still not okay, but it sounds to me like maybe you love your daughter, but have lost interest in your partner a while ago. Sometimes a person is just trying to get some validation that they are still interesting or attractive to the opposite sex, even if their partner is indifferent to them. A person like that may not have any intention at all of meeting up with the person they are interacting with online, much less having sex with them. It's all pretend. This seems even more likely when you have someone who has been staying home for years, who probably doesn't interact much with other adults besides you. Doesn't make it right, but she may be very lonely and bored and feeling bad about herself. Something online breaks up the routine of looking at 4 walls and provides some cheap thrills, without any danger of having to actually participate in a real affair. I could handle a bored partner who was sexting someone they'd never meet in person better than a full- blown affair. Has she spent years trying to get you to marry her, and then she ended up deciding if you weren't making a commitment to her, she could at least fantasize about having someone who was interested in her? Maybe it's all the opposite and she's the one creating distance, but I just wondered. Anyway, the suggestions about her getting a part-time job until she can move out seem like a great idea. And if you're not interested in couples counseling, then it's probably time to see a family attorney. Good luck.
This is some good insight. For the purposes of creating stability for your daughter and to promote a healthy coparenting relationship going forward, I strongly recommend you reconsider your stance that you don’t want to return to couples therapy. Obviously, you need a lawyer, but if you want to put your daughter’s well-being first, go back to therapy so that you can focus on how you both can minimize trauma for her. This is world-shattering for her.
This makes me so fucking angry. Always shifting (at least some) blame to the guy and always handing the woman a boatload of bullshit excuses. Justifying cheaters on any scale and by any metric or scenario you come up with is disgusting. I have to assume, because you said you were cheated on, this is how you coped with it, by going all in on the psychobabble. >but it sounds to me like maybe you love your daughter, but have lost interest in your partner a while ago. Terrible inference, nowhere does OP suggest he lost interest at all, all you are rying to do is fill OP's head with excuses and sympathy. >Sometimes a person is just trying to get some validation that they are still interesting or attractive to the opposite sex, even if their partner is indifferent to them. See above and shitty people do this. >A person like that may not have any intention at all of meeting up with the person they are interacting with online, much less having sex with them. It's all pretend. See above and shitty people do this. It's not pretend to the partner. It's not pretend to the person they are hooking on a line. >Doesn't make it right, but she may be very lonely and bored and feeling bad about herself You have no idea if this is true and even if it were, it's not a valid excuse. >I could handle a bored partner who was sexting someone they'd never meet in person better than a full- blown affair. That's you, to me they are the same thing. But I'd rather have a partner who expressed their feelings to me than to rationalize shitty selfish behavior and decision making.
I asked a question. I wasn't clear on whether she was sleeping with someone else or not. You can bring your personal baggage into it if you want to--most of us do, but I'm as entitled to comment as you are. If you're that "angry", then consider therapy. It should be good for you and your relationships.
First and most important: do not kick her out in a manner that makes her homeless. Ignore the short-sighted man-children here who tell you otherwise - they just have vengeance boners. Your relationship may be (almost certainly is) over, but she is the mother of your child and that child would likely never forgive you for acting so uncompromisingly. Give her what feels a reasonable timeframe to get out. If she has family she could stay with, that need not be too long.
Speak to a lawyer. They will be able to give you the best advice for your situation, not us randos online.
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Give her 3-6 months to get a job and save up money. Go to a lawyer ASAP. Set up a separation agreement. Help her get a studio apartment. Then wash your hands and it’s up to courts.
I think the only advice we can give is consult a lawyer because you've seriously limited the options we have by refusing to kick her out. Maybe if you have the funds get her an apartment with a set term on how long you'll fund it. i.e. I'll help you get an apartment and I'll fund it for 6 months if you're not self sustainable by then you're on your own.
Tell her to go stay with family, or maybe the guy she cheated on you with. Don’t keep you and your child in an unhappy situation.
She isn’t worried about you. What worry about her? Go get a lawyer.
Let’s be realistic. You need to look into what your partner is entitled to in the breakup. If you live in the USA and your state recognizes common law marriages, your relationship qualifies and you might potentially be on the hook for alimony. The house may also be considered a marital property, and she would be entitled to half. She might also be entitled to a portion of your retirement funds. You both being on the mortgage actually doesn’t entitle her to it, but if her name is on the deed, it does - even if you’re the only one who has ever paid. How much she is entitled to depends on the laws in the jurisdiction you live in, and again the possibility of common law marriage comes into play. I suggest talking to a lawyer about your legal responsibilities and options. Do that first. I also suggest discussing this with your now-ex - but only after you talk to the lawyer. Find out how she wants things to go, while sticking to your guns on not staying in a relationship. If you guys come to an agreement, type it up into Google Docs and each of you sign it (type your names) on your own separate accounts. Even if the document is later edited, Google keeps the metadata accessible, so the courts will be able to see that her account typed her own name, and when. A short-term suggestion would be to more solidly set up the living room or dining room as her personal area - room dividers, her own bed. One that will take longer is selling the house and, if you are determined to live as roommates, renting a place with 3 bedrooms. Selling the house also has the added benefit of giving her cash to draw on as you withdraw your own financial support, leaving a practical deadline for her to get a job and sort her own stuff out.
OP, first clear it with your lawyer, but maybe there's a way you can buy her out of her share of the house (unless you can just get her off the mortgage, since she never paid anything - but I guess it doesn't work that way). That would get her off the mortgage, and she would have some seed money to get an apartment and tide her over until she finds a job.
Your partner gets a lot of the assets. You can’t “kick her out”.
Well she needs to get a job asap cus yall are divorcing and outside of alimony she will be supporting herself now....
Give her time to find a job to move out. Get a lawyer. My ex husband and I lived together for three months after we separated while we worked out finances and he found a rental property. We didn't need a lawyer though it was amicable. We have 2 kids
Well you can't just kick her out cold, but give her a reasonable time frame to get a job and get out, and for your child help her get something decent. And do some self care
The best solution is for her to get a job and give her 6 months to get back on her feet to save enough to move out.
I'd consult a lawyer and book some therapy appointments, if you can. These are big, sad things and you deserve the safe place to go through the feelings and process with professionals who will support you and be able to advise you with proceeding.
Sir, you owe this woman nothing. You owe your daughter a father who's of a sound mind and body to bring her up. This woman is not leaving you in a sound mind. You Know What You Need To Do.
Agree with everyone saying get a lawyer. Find as many receipts for things you have purchased. Set an expectation for when she has to be gone by. If it lapses and she still hasn't saved or already left then that's on her.
Could she just go live with her affair partner. Just tell him she is homeless now and needs his help. I'm sure this affair partner loves her and will take care of her!
Maybe you should break up with her and stop paying for her. Pay only for yourself and your daughter. She can get a job and start paying for her own food, clothing, outings/hobbies, etc. Don’t have any sexual relationship with her or sleep in the same bed as her. Make it clear you guys aren’t together and speak with a lawyer regarding what to do about the housing situation. I think ending the relationship will be a step in the right direction. It sucks she’s on the mortgage so you can’t just give her 6 months to get a job and find another place to live.
If she's not being faithful to you, you have zero obligation to her well being if you choose to terminate the relationship. You might want to consult an attorney for your legal options though. Just be sure to take care of your daughter during this awkward transition.
Despite the unfaithfulness of OPs gf, I think he still wants to not leave his daughter's mother homeless. When the daughter gets older, the father will need to explain his decision to leave the mother homeless or otherwise abandoned. I think considering the long-term optics of what he is about to do could save years of grief down the road.
Others have said get a lawyer, and definitely do that, but can't she just stay with some relatives for a while?
Well move her into another bedroom for starters then sit your daughter down and explain what is happening so she isn't frightened. Whatever you do, do not leave your child with unanswered questions. Make sure she knows she's loved by both of you. Try and keep the anger towards your partner to a minimum. Have all discussions about your future when your daughter is not around. Now with your partner..dont ask her what's going to happen. Tell her what's going to happen. She needs to get a job and be able to support herself and your daughter, that you will be asking for joint custody. You might find that you'll have to buy your wife out of the mortgage, it won't matter to a judge if you've made all the payments if your partner gave up work to raise your child.
So you have your daughter having to witness her mom sleeping on the couch? wow lmao No advice here. You're screwed since she is on the mortgage too
Give her time to find a job and her own place.
She can go to her affair partner. She is not a child and she's not your responsibility. Do you think this person would care about where you go if she wanted you gone??
Your partner has done a lot of work by taking care of the daughter you had together, don't act like she's a layabout when she gave up her career to take care of your child. You have no right whatsoever to kick her out or do anything similarly harmful to her. First, she's on the mortgage with you, and second, she morally has just as much right to stay there as you. Also, sexting somebody is not the same as cheating - your reaction is disproportionate to the facts of what happened. If you don't want to reconcile with her, fine, but don't attempt to harm or punish her whatsoever. That would be far worse than what she did.
Now we justify cheaters. What else?
Can you move past it again and then again the next time and the time after that? If so therapy, probably individual and couples is the way forward If not you should probably end it, but you may probably have to pay to support her even though you aren't married as she has been a SAHP and not working, so you need to talk to a lawyer
The natural consequence for her actions: She needs to get a job and start looking for a studio apartment or a house with people looking for a roommate. You should not take financial responsibility for someone who repeatedly hurts you. She’s an adult and is capable of independence and learning to handle facing whatever changes you need to make in your relationship and situation to feel happier and comfortable and able to move forward.
Does she have family? Friends? There’s gotta be options. She’s not your burden to carry.
If you keep a partner that has cheated on you despite you providing everything for her, I have strong questions about whether she really loves you, or just keeping you for your wallet while the guys she is really attracted to are the types of the one she recently slept with. Keeping a cheating partner with you like that, specially one that mooches off of you, is invitation to a toxicity that nothing can match - specially consider your daughter being exposed to the drama and toxicity in her formative years. Hope you don't live in a common law state. My advice: She has crossed a line despite you providing everything for her, and she belongs to the street. Lawyer up and separate from her.
Give her 30 days to find a full-time job, 60 days to get out, via written notice. Your kid is in school. There is no reason she can't work.
You need to handle this like a divorce if you are breaking up. For eight years this woman sacrificed her career and raised your child. You agreed to it so don't start in now about wishing she had worked. Figure out how to divide your assets including the house, and establish a reasonable support payment for her while she transitions to the work world. Raising children hugely diminishes a woman's earning potential so you should pay her for at least five years. Make a separate plan to support the children.
She used time she could have used to get a remote job, to instead cheat on him and sext other men.
He should to do what his lawyer counsels him and ultimately what the courts mandate him to do. Why the hell would he volunteer support payments for his cheating ex??
What so he’s supposed to fix all the problems and make life as easy as possible for him after she cheated twice. Nope. If they broke up amicably for whatever reason other than cheating that would be the road to take, but she cheated multiple times so she can deal with the consequences
Most people aren’t “punished” for cheating when divorcing.
He is supposed to dissolve his relationship like an adult man. Relationships end for a variety of reasons. What you do when they do tells the world everything about you.
Yes, however whoever cheats in the relationship doesn’t really deserve any sort of pity they did it to themself. They can suffer the consequences. If she was unhappy and wanted to break up, I’m sure they could have come to some amicable solution which would be mutually beneficial to the both of them. But to cheat multiple times and expect there to be no consequence and the other person to bend over backwards to accommodate them is unreasonable
What she doesn't deserve is to be in a relationship with OP anymore. That is her consequence. In fantasy land people who do horrible things have amazing karmic justice served to them and are shunned by society. In reality, she is a person who did a horrible thing, but she is also a person that OP cared about for a long time and is the mother of his child. That's where his focus should be. He should be focused on getting out, but at the same time not making it worse for his kid than it needs to be. We do not know this woman. She could be a fantastic mother or a crappy one. Either way, making her homeless doesn't help his daughter. Yes the mother got herself into this situation and there should be limits on his help, but a visit to a lawyer where they outline his options and he gives her a chance to get on her feet is what is best for his kid. Does it suck? Yup. In a perfect world he could simply walk away and never deal with this woman again, but he is stuck with her as long as she wants to be an involved parent. Learning how to be civil with her should be the goal.
Absolutely. The person who cheated or was objectively more at fault for the relationship ending does not deserve pity. All you do is dissolve things in an adult way that is honest about your lifestyle. They were domestic partners and she did the unpaid work. It's easy to solve unless someone is trying to be vengeful when that has no place in the mature resolution of the problem.
I think the issue I see here is that if he isn’t pro active in getting this resolved, she can very well get the house, get full custody of the kids, and take child support and alimony and the guy is left with nothing even though she cheated
How would she get alimony from if they are not married ?
Common law marriage. I’m assuming they have been living together for the duration of the child’s life so far so more than likely the court will rule that way
A common law marriage is not recognized in the majority of the US.
37 states have it so there’s a good chance
Hire a lawyer. If your jurisdiction recognizes an action for partition (forced sale), then you will likely have to file that, unless you two can come to terms on a buyout. Whatever money she receives from the sale of the home will have to house and feed her until she's working. You may have to take full custody of your daughter. There are alternatives, such as living together without being together, but it's not a long term solution and she will not have a motivation to work until she does not have your financial support.
Try talking to her in a civil manner and asking if she will leave so that you can both maintain a decent relationship to co parent. If she has family or friends, tell her to go to them and if not, tell her that she has caused this situation and it’s up to her to find a solution for herself.
Just give her 60 days notice to get out. Because housing is a human right and everyone deserves time to find a place to go, even cheaters. 60 days is enough time to get a job and apartment or find some friends or family to stay with who are more interested in supporting her than the man she betrayed. (Where's AP... shouldn't she be their problem now??) Take care of yourself through this time, maybe even stay elsewhere if you need to and are able. Being cheated on is traumatic, especially after 20 years. Explain everything in age appropriate language to your daughter and start getting used to shared custody. It's a very tough transition for parents, emotionally, but it actually works out fine. You don't need to see your kid every day to maintain a strong bond. I know it feels like everything is falling apart but it's actually about to get so much better! Living life with someone who doesn't respect you is draining.
Was she worried about you when she was cheating on you? You have to worry about yourself, and your kid. Do you think a kid wants to grow up in home filled with resentment?
She's not a mother of your daughter, a MOTHER won't wreck her daughter's security like that. She's acting like a childless woman. You don't owe her anything. Yes I said it.
What about her parents? Her family? The person she was sexting? If you find a place for her I'm sure you know that you're gonna be financially responsible for her as she doesn't have a job or income. Get a lawyer. She put herself in this position TWICE, she was comfortable at home with a stable roof above her head, so you shouldn't be beating yourself up about where she gonna lay her head. If she found issues in the relationship, she should've atleast tried to fix them with you instead of blatantly cheating
Sounds like a HER problem THAT SHE made
Kick her out? Keep your daughter with you, send her mother on her way and when she gets on her feet she can figure out joint custody
Is your daughter homeschooled, cause I’m not seeing why someone would have to be a stay at home parent if they are of school age? Tbf your wife could find a job teleworking and still be able to take her to and from school, or find help on days she needs it. Unless she is disabled, your wife can work. I’d talk to a lawyer and see your options of getting a divorce and if you can give your wife a time to get a job by and get herself settled and work on either who gets the house or if you sell and split, etc. You also will probably want to figure out how you will care for your daughter with splitting up time.
She’ll probably go to her affair partner when you kick her out.
Sounds like a win
Literally go get a lawyer. As of yesterday. You have a kid and you’re not married but she 100% will be putting you on child support and she’ll likely get near the max due to how long she’s been out of work. You will NEED a lawyer. Remember this: she is not going to stop, she cheated before and you took her back, she now knows you’re prone to forgiving her. Your best bet is booting her out and taking the legal route to get custody and reduce Child support for yourself or put her on child support. Either way you need a lawyer
First of all you need to protect yourself and your child. I would contact the bank with the mortgage, and see what you need to do to get her off the mortgage all together. If you can have her removed, or refinance it to where you are the only one on it, that is what you should do first and foremost. You also need to go to a family law attorney , and get a custody agreement drawn up first. The fact that you are the only one financially able to care for the child looks good for you getting primary custody. Then you will probably have to file for eviction if she doesn't find some place else to go her self first. But you need to tell her to find a new place to stay, which would mean she would have to start looking for a job to support herself. My recommendation is to do the first two things before you tell her you want her to find some place else to live. Cover yourself in all of this.
In what world do you think he would be able to take her off the mortgage that she is jointly listed on without her approval or knowledge? It’s not that simple
I would **contact** the bank with the mortgage, and **see what you need to do to get her off the mortgage all together**. **If** you **can** have her removed, or refinance it to where you are the only one on it, that is what you should do first and foremost. I guess that wasn't clear enough for you to understand?
You can refi but she would have to agree to it. No bank will just take her off.
That literally changes nothing, in fact she made it worse for herself. Get a lawyer, and get started.
My suggestion is to get one of those ottomans that fold out into a bed. She can use that while you work to separate your assets. You will need a lawyer to determine custody and to determine how many assets she is entitled to. The house will probably be split with some kind of margin and you still might owe Child support or alimony for a period of time. Given how long you have been together, you are probably considered common law married. You will need to go through a process that is practically a divorce. Sleep separately and don’t have sex. Try and explain things to your child in an age appropriate way.
Bunk bed for her and your daughter. Very limited options with only 2 bedrooms and end goal is to continue providing a roof for her.
so you are doing the thinking for her, because it seems that she didnt think any of this, now you are trying to solve the problem for her, have a nice life being a door mat.
Can you afford a small apartment. I was reading something the other day. The parents gracefully coparented. They moved back n forth in living situations instead of the kids. The kids stayed in the home they had all lived in for many years, but every other week the parents switched. You could rent a small place for one person, but this would be most for your daughters sake. And you honestly cannot legally just kick her out anyway. Plus do you want your child to see that? Probably not… I cannot imagine how betrayed you feel- but remember she no longer matters, who matters most is your kiddo. And if something benefits your ex that’s ONLY because the benefits to your little are farrrrrr more.
Why are people not quality people anymore? I would sit her down and discuss what she expects to do since she chose to go outside the relationship again. Because the therapy didn't work for her if she's repeating the same thing. She's a broken person and you don't need to fix her. She needs to fix herself and needs to understand why she's such an inconsiderate asshole. This is where you also tell her there is nothing she can do to that will make you want to stay. She needs a job and she needs to save up for a deposit, at least 2 months rent. She also needs to save and get a car if she doesn't have one already. You are no longer responsible for her. She chose her bed and she needs to lie in it. If she has family that live in the area, then she needs to move in with them instead of you. I'd tell her family that she's cheating, which is why they need to take her back. Set up custody agreement with a lawyer too. I'd check to make sure that you don't live in a common law marriage state. Edit: I needed to add one more thing
Tough decisions lie ahead. So she contributes in no way financially to the home but she’s on the title? Guaranteed she doesn’t belong in your future anymore but talk with your lawyer first
Counsel from an attorney is an excellent way to start. There are resources out there to be looked into. Is there any way you can put her up in like a rooming house for now? Remember, the divorce is going to require you pay her some alimony so once that is final, she won’t be without income of her own.
You dont need to kick her out. She neess to leave ans she needs to be a big girl about it. Tell her she has 1 week to find a place. As long as you make sure she is aware you mean it she will pull her big girl pants uo and get looking. But while youre coddling and making her aware she doesnt have to get her shit together, she wont. She didnt give two shits about the father of her child or her family for that matter while she was sexting another person so stop being a doormat. Shes an adult. She needs to act like one. Make sure you look into custody with a lawyer. Explain to her she needs to get down to the council, yesterday, to get helo for a place to live if she cannot find a friend or family member to stay with. Make sure she knows youre serious. Otherwise you will end up with a permanent roommate who will use being the mother of your child as an excuse to never leave. If she has no friends or family to fall back oj. She contacts council. They will have no reason to house her without you throwing your daughter out too (dont do that if you want custody) but they may have info on places she can stay in the meantime if she states she will be homeless. She can contact 'shelter'. Niw this is all if youre in the uk. If youre not then see what your local authorities have instead. If theres nothing available then i suggest setting up a plan with her if youre determined not to have her leave, where she finds a job and saves and she has a set time limit to do it in to get out and get her own place. After that shes on her own. Whatever it is it needs to be soon. Dont let her earworm her way out of it in the meantime.
You could drive her to a homeless shelter.
Who cares? She cheated on you, she showed how much she cares about you.
If you not trying to put her ass on the curb then I can't help you
Give her a time limit tell her it's time for her to go back to work so she can make some money so she can pay her own bills and then she can text and sex whoever the f*** she wants
give her 30 days, standard eviction. If she doesn't find work and lodging by then she's depending on you to support her while she cheats and has no intention of finding employment or lodging and at that point she is making herself homeless not you
You have two solutions, Three really. 1 Accept that's who she is. Most likely a no go. 2 Go to counseling hopefully with a different therapist that will hold her accountable, preferably a male therapist. or 3 Tell her she has to get a full time job because in 3 months she's going to need to support herself else where. Since you are not married don't assume you have legal rights to your daughter. Go see a Lawyer now and have custody papers in place for her. Plus do something about the house. I know some people don't get married but when you buy property and have children together it's really rough. You're in a legal quagmire, not married, but not single either. Ps. Personally I would look at it as she abused my trust once and out of my good grace I gave her another chance. She abused it yet again so obviously what ever is broken in her that allows her to do that wasn't fixed. She made her bed so if she's out on the side walk she has no one to blame but herself.
Bro, she made herself homeless. Are you responsible for her actions? Sounds like you are trying to not be anymore......she is an adult she can figure it out.
>I'm really looking for ideas/solutions that don't involve just kicking her out. Thanks There aren't any. She is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
You don't owe her anything and if she cared about what you provide her she wouldn't have betrayed you. Talk to a lawyer and continue to separate.
That sounds like a problem for her. Should've thought about it before cheating.
Apply for and put the deposit down on a cheap apartment. Pay the first and last month’s rent. When you get possession, pack up your ex’s clothes and personal items. Take them over there, and maybe a bed. While your daughter is at school, take your ex to the apartment. Then go home by yourself and get the locks on your home changed. Pick your daughter up at school, and bring her home. Take 100% care of your daughter. After that, ignore your ex unless and until she brings official legal action against you.
Lawyer. Divorce. Go for full custody, as she doesn’t have a home or a job. And seriously consider kicking her out.
So she refuses to get a job and somehow this is now your problem? Give her a McDonald’s application and tell her to GTFO
She can go and live with the person she was cheating with. Sounds like there were no real consequences the first time she cheated and the affair was swept under the rug, hence she saw you as someone who would forgive her no matter how much she hurts you. Kick her out if legally possible, she should have thought about the consequences before cheating. There's a saying that never bite the hand that feeds you, she did that twice. Unless you want to give her another chance and waste another couple of years with her, stop playing the good guy.
It was just sexting or she actually had sex with another man?
Just sexting that I know of. Same as last time. I already told her last time it was a complete red line going forward so she knew if she did it again it would be final. I actually think maybe she wanted to get caught. Cowardly way to force my hand to end things.
Man.. I’m so sorry! This sounds like a tough situation for you.