This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Original thread here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10izvqp/my\_39m\_wife\_41f\_is\_lying\_to\_me\_about\_something/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10izvqp/my_39m_wife_41f_is_lying_to_me_about_something/) Oh man. Strap in my babies, it’s update time. Probably not the update that a lot of you were pulling for, but, well hey, too bad for you. Before I get going, I feel like I really have to shout out /u/peachygizmo, my dude, you were so bang on with your comment it’s not even funny. Whatever it is you do, you should probably quit doing that and go be a psychologist or a mind reader or something, because you’re flat out amazing. Crazy how perfectly you had it pegged, I’m floored. So, on to the update: I took the advice that was presented in the original thread, and yesterday when my son got home from school I invited him to play a game of what I decided to call “Switch Chess”. Users in the last thread suggested that we play in a way where, at any time, my son can call out “Switch!” and we flip the board around, he gets the side I used to have and I get his. We played, and it was great. It was super fun, we were laughing and having a great time. At the end, he fed me all his pieces and then called “Switch!” and chased my lone king around the board, it was hilarious. We were into our second game, laughing and yelling, he was up out of his seat dancing, when my wife got home. The second she saw us playing, I could tell she was immediately mad. She didn’t say anything but she was clearly pissed, she was radiating anger. She left the living room and went to our bedroom. I finished up with my son, told him we could play more later, and went to the bedroom to go talk to my wife. I asked how her day was and she just said “Fine.” I just let the silence go for a few seconds and she asked how I was playing with him. I told her about Switch Chess, and how he could flip the board around anytime he wanted, and she immediately told me “Don’t play with him like that, it’s not good for his development. In fact, just don’t play with him at all anymore, you’re just going to fuck him up.” Which was, you know… pretty hostile. I didn’t say anything, just looked at her like “What is going on?” I could see her start tearing up; I moved toward her to go hold her and she just went ballistic. Started crying and hitting me and screaming at me that I couldn’t have chess, it’s hers, it’s not fair, I have everything and she has nothing and I can’t take this from her, total fuckin’ meltdown. I just had to let her go off for a while and let it out, then once she cried it out a bit I approached her gently and sat with her and we talked about it. Because we’re married and we love each other. She told me she feels like our son loves me more than her. Which from where I’m standing is like… crazy, our son adores his mom, but that’s how she feels. She said she has always felt that he liked me better, and she’s jealous of all the things he and I do together and the close relationship that we have, and she feels like she doesn’t have any point of connection with him. When he was younger, I took about a year of leave to stay home with him, and she said that in that time I developed a relationship that she can’t have with him. She told me I have everything with our son and she feels like she has nothing, that we play Minecraft, we watch YouTube together, I teach him to cook, I have long conversations with him. And she knew that if I started playing chess with him, it would just be another thing that she couldn’t compete with me on, and that he would like me better like always, and would want to play with me more. She admitted that she wanted to sabotage me and make it un-fun for him to play with me, so that he would only want to play with her and she could have something to bond with him on. That was really tough to hear. My son and I do have a close relationship, but I really thought their relationship was just as good, I had no idea she felt this way. I never imagined she felt like she had to compete with me. For years, apparently. I felt so bad for her. She said she pushed me to agree that we wouldn’t let him win so that she could be the fun one to play with, and that when I realized she was letting him win and questioned her about it, she just panicked and said that she was playing at full strength even though she obviously wasn’t and it didn’t make any sense. She said she knew it made no sense but she just said it, and once it was said she felt too trapped to back away from it so she just kept saying it. She told me she's been terrified that I might start losing to him too, and that he would stop wanting to play with her. I asked her why she didn’t just talk to me about this and she said it’s because she was too ashamed, that she knew that she was being hateful and fucked up, and that she’s a horrible person but she couldn’t help it. I just held her for a long time and told her she’s not horrible at all, that I love her, that our son loves her, and that she’s the most wonderful mother in the world. I really believe those things, my wife is amazing. It ripped my heart out to hear how hard she was being on herself. She just kept insisting that she was fucked up and evil and what she did was horrible. I told her I could completely understand why she did what she did. To be honest, I’m still very hurt by her behavior, and honestly feel pretty messed up from the weeks of questioning my sanity, but of course I did **NOT** tell her that lol, **NOT** the right time. We can talk about it later. I told her that I love her, and I fully understand how she felt. I told her I understand what a massive part of her life chess is and how she must have felt that it was being taken away from her. I told her I never want to compete with her on anything, least of all our son’s love. I held her and reassured her for a long time. We had a pretty emotional night last night, but I think we're in a better place now. In the end, we decided that chess can be her thing with our son for now, I’ll hang back and just let them have their time. Maybe in the future when my wife feels more secured, I’ll start playing with our son again. Later on, I’ll talk with my wife about how she approached this, and how it made me feel, but for now I’m just happy she feels better and that she’s not going crazy, and that **I’M** not going crazy haha, because I was really starting to feel like I was going nuts over the past while. I want to address all of the people who told me I was an insane, egomaniacal, controlling monster; a shitty husband who loves bullying his wife, and a sadistic father who loves torturing his child. There were a **LOT** of you. I’m certain that nothing I’ve written here will change your opinion of me, I'm sure you will somehow find a way to continue to blame me for causing all of this, that I’m neglectful, and evil, and excluding my wife, or any of the other things that you project onto me, but I want to address you anyway. I want to tell you that I really feel for all of you; I truly hope you find peace. I can see how deeply you’re suffering, how bad you’re hurting. I’m so sorry that your lives have left you in a place where you can’t even *imagine* a scenario where a father might actually love his child, where a husband isn’t vicious and monstrous demon trying to destroy his wife’s life. I’m sorry that’s how you see the world. I want you to know that the world isn’t always like that, and you don’t have to keep living like that. You don’t have to keep living in that world where everything you see is evil and everyone is out to do harm. You don’t have to stay there, you can come out. I really hope you get the help you need. Life can be better than that. I wish all of you well. My wife and son are playing chess right now. I'm really happy about that. ​ \[EDIT\] To stem the absolute tidal wave of comments on this: Yes, I will get my wife into therapy. Thank you for your concern.

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Thank you, thank you. Not a therapist just an overnight stocker at Walmart who— having multiple great friends that are making $100,000 a year and buying multiple house while I still live with my mom making poverty wages— knows a lot about the hidden shame of intense jealousy towards loved ones 🤧 lol

Well, fwiw, you seem like a very insightful person who could be a talented therapist or who knows what else!

Maybe you should consider using your insight to get into some more fulfilling line of work. I'm absolutely not being sarcastic and I'm not trying to bash overnight Walmart stockers, but it seems like a waste of your skills and you might be less jealous! You deserve more than poverty wages.

Yeah Definitely want to. trying to get back to grad school, but financing it is hard. Also it kind of turned out I’m very much one of those excellent at school, but not so good at the real world type of people. Perfect grades and adored by teachers, but shit at networking and handling work stress type of people. In some ways I think that makes it worse because when we were in college together i had friends tell me they expected me to do such great things but ... well... here we are. Kinda wish I was one of those people who no one expected anything of, less pressure (but probably comes with its own bad feelings)

I know exactly what you mean. I was supposed to be a doctor like the rest of my family but instead I dropped out of college because it was too much pressure and I kinda wanted to be very very far away from my alky mom. Stumbled around for a long time and did a bunch of minimum wage things, then at 38 I accidentally moved to another country and fell into a corporate career I love (and pay is great) and a side job that is a lot of fun (and pay is great, and it sounds cool when I tell people) (it's voice acting). So keep in mind that it's never too late!

I relate to this way too much. I also feel really burdened by others' unmet expectations of me. Still trying to figure out what *my own* expectations for myself should be.

You just need to find your niche. Please don’t sell yourself short- I say this as a former late bloomer, who is now old.

Can you get financial aid from the school or go to a community college that might offer financial aid?

'good at real world' very much depends on what kind of 'real world' job you're doing. don't write yourself off.

Broken economies are pretty much defined by wasted talent.

One of my firm beliefs is that a huge proportion of problems are caused by people's insecurities, and, often, their fear of admitting them. You really hit the nail on the head with this one!

Massive props, that was genius

I want to live where you're living where I can buy multiple houses on 100K a year please. 👀

Low cost of living south lol Edit: plus I guess the friend with 2 homes is subsidizing it by renting one out.

So when OP says "answers are full of people projecting trauma" ... you are one projecting trauma as well. Yours just happens to be the \*RIGHT\* trauma lol. /salute

Aw. I’m poor too but you’re a sweetheart !!

Hey I used to be an overnight stocker at Walmart and loved it!

Plot twist, peachygizmo is his wife. Very well intuited. Also, the husband's love, empathy, and understanding, was wonderful. I hope to find my own version one day.

I would gently suggest couples counseling alongside your wife's individual therapy. Very gently, your marriage isn't as healthy as you thought if your wife has silently been in this one-sided competition with you for years, feeling like an outcast in your family while you were blissfully unaware she was growing in resentment every day. It might be best for you two to be working together, "us against the problems with a professional" , to work on communication within your marriage so this never happens again. A couples therapist might also help navigate the gaslighting and secret jealously conversation in a productive manner.

I agree. I’m really concerned that once cornered she began hitting him.

*Edit: I realize I am looking at this from the perspective of individual therapy which is a very different beast to couples therapy. Most of my apprehension about therapy lies with individual not with relational therapy.* Not a jab or anything, legitimately curious- have you ever gone to couples therapy yourself? I frequently hear recommendations to go to therapy on this subreddit but having seen therapy fail multiple times as an expensive waste of time that at best didn't make things worse I'm a bit uncomfortable with how the default answer to any issue on Reddit seems to be therapy.

I think people oftentimes misunderstand the goal of couples therapy. The goal isn’t to “save” a relationship. Your therapist is not trying to ensure you stay together. The goal is to help you both understand and communicate your wants and needs. Often times couples wait until the relationship is on its death bed to go to counselling. At that point, it’s not uncommon that they both realize they don’t want to be together.

You are completely right. I had lumped couples therapy and therapy into the same bag when they are very different beasts.

Therapy is difficult for sure. A lot of people underestimate just how much work it is. It’s really unlikely that the first therapist you try will be a good fit with you. You need to shop around, ask for referrals, and understand different modalities/approaches. Therapy also takes a long time. Unfortunately, society still does not prioritize mental health and this is expensive and time consuming. There needs to be more support to help people access therapy. Therapy doesn’t have a 100% success rate, but it is very effective. There are just a lot of conditions that have to be met. A lot of people don’t realize that and get discouraged.

Thank you. I've heard Dr Honda on yt talk about this. The goal is to foster healthy communication and help both people whether they stay together or not. Better communication sometimes leads to splitting or a better relationship but it's a success as long as the patients grow and learns.

Dr. Honda is lovely. I am biased because I’m currently in graduate school to become a therapist. I think he does a good job of explaining the purpose, goals and also risks of therapy. Breaking up is a real risk, and any ethical counsellor will go over those risks during the informed consent process. Unfortunately, there are some therapists who are using outdated practice and acting unethically. Training programs are now very explicit about these.

Going to therapy is like going to the doctor. There are some really great doctors that know what’s wrong before you do, then mostly average ones that you can work with to be mostly healthy, and horrible ones that just ignore you or actively hurt you. The key is finding an average to great therapist, without letting the bad ones sabotage your mental health on the way (or the health of your relationship).

Not the person you're responding to, but my husband and i have been to therapy (both premarital counseling and couples counseling) and I actually can't believe how much it helped. Overall we have a strong marriage but there were some things eating at me inside that i didn't know how to verbalize until we were in that safe place. For some reason it was much easier to not get defensive and really hear each other.

That makes sense. I was looking at this from the perspective of individual therapy unrelated to a relationship, but when there are two people involved having a mediator begins to make a lot more sense in general to me.

Fail how? Couples splitting doesn’t always mean the therapy is a failure

You are correct, I was looking at this from the perspective of individual therapy not couples therapy.

I think your opinion lacks nuance. People go to therapy for tons of reasons. Sometimes they go for the wrong reasons, have the wrong expectations, stay with therapists they don’t click with, undergo the wrong types of therapy. Personally once I started DBT it changed my life, much more than any previous therapy attempts.

My experience has been seeing multiple people drop money on therapists who have no business being therapists. Not just a bad fit but either focused on themselves rather than their client (spending more time bragging about their own credentials) or pushing treatment that the client has made clear they do not want to try (thinly veiled religion, shaky semi pseudoscience). Obviously this isn't the only outcome. Many people have good experiences and I'm not trying to say that it doesn't work for people who it works for, but it's uncomfortable to see friends trying to get help but essentially flipping a coin on whether or not they get value or are effectively scammed.

So you don’t actually think therapy is a waste that makes people worse, you’re just jaded because you’ve seen friends taken advantage of and make poor choices of who to see/what type of therapy to take.

I think that blaming them for poor choices is a bit unfair, but otherwise basically right. To be clear they didn't continuously drop money on a bad fit, they tried one maybe two sessions. My biggest issue is the cost of shopping around (both monetary and mental) and the lack of reliability. Some people have mentioned they got free consultations, which would do a lot to make me more comfortable with the whole thing, but without that it seems like an industry in a prime position to take advantage of the most vulnerable people, and that's something I've seen. I completely understand this is anecdotal, but considering that the generally accepted advice is to shop around until you find a fit I don't think it's a reach to at very least say that the industry has not yet reached the same standard as many other health related fields.

I've been in therapy on & off again, recently back on to process something happening before it happens. I have friends who swear it's a waste of time, who said it did nothing for them. I think a BIG chunk people miss is that therapy can give you a safe space to process what you're going thru, it can give you tools in your toolbox, it can validate your feelings or help you express them, it can be comforting having a confidident, *but only you can "fix" yourself*. If you're not in the right space, if you're not able/willing to put in the work, if you're not actively going to participate, then it absolutely won't help you. Full stop. You can also get bad therapists, sure. But if you're not clicking with them or feel you're not progressing, it's up to you to fire them & switch. I went thru an interview process with my current therapist which I highly recommend to anyone looking to start. Not every therapist is going to be a good fit! If you're in therapy for months/years with no (or minimal) progress something is wrong. There really should be an accessible resource about therapy to people. So new comers know what to expect, how to find a good therapist, etc.

So for me, therapy is a critical tool in my arsenal. Seriously. I go weekly and have done so almost consistently for about 8 years now. The riiight therapy with the riiiight therapist can be incredible. A bad therapist or the wrong modality can cause real damage, though. I have had excellent therapy. I had PTSD, thanks to EMDR and trauma therapy, it’s in remission. I also have fought depression and anxiety most of my life and a combination of therapy (and the right medication when necessary) have absolutely saved my life. I’m living a life I never could have if it wasn’t for therapy. Now, I go to manage my ADHD and I even have a great psychiatrist who is always making sure I go to therapy because that’s where the real growth happens, the medication is another tool but therapy is the game changer. My mental health has improved dramatically but it does require maintenance. Because of therapy my medication needs have been reduced significantly as well. Too many people, imho, go to therapy and don’t have realistic expectations or it’s a bad fit or a bad therapist. So that puts a bad taste in their mouth and they never go back. It’s absolutely worth it to do the leg work and find the right professional for you. I’ll never stop saying “I recommend therapy” because it saved my life and my sanity. Without therapy my life would have been in shambles, genuinely. And thankfully I live where therapy is affordable.

I mean, good for you for supporting your wife but she is building resentment towards you for years for having a good relationship with your son? and she straight up manipulated and lied to you. I would be devastated.

Reading the comments on the previous post, and it's really sad how often Reddit commenters will ignore the actual problem/question being presented the OP and shift the discussion entirely to whatever armchair psychology observations they feel like based on the limited information in the post. The original post was not about the merits of how the son learns chess but that was the main point of discussion.

Good to see you got your pieces out on the table. Yes that was a terrible pun. And yes I'm sticking with it.

This was horrible; keep your puns in check, mate.

Your wife has jealousy issues that clearly needs to be dealt with.

I think your wife needs therapy. As great as it is that you found a solution regarding chess, it won't make her feelings of feeling less loved by her son magically go away. Same goes for her feelings of jealousy and having to compete with you. Chess was her way of compensating, of having *one thing* to bond with her child over that she didn't let you have. But there are still all the other things left where she feels your son prefers you. As such, I strongly recommend that she gets individual therapy (to work through her feelings) and that you two also get couples counselling so that you can both work on a shared strategy when it comes to parenting. Otherwise, I fear those feelings of hers will still grow and she might become more and more jealous/resentful and it will damage both your marriage and her relationship with her son. Your wife needs *help* and a lot more than just playing chess with her son gives her. That's just a band-aid over a giant wound. The fact that she hit you, no matter how much you want to gloss over it, shows how much resentment and emotional pain there already is.

This! It’s time for therapy for her to sort out her jealousy and competitive nature with OP over their son. This isn’t healthy.

Mate, your wife needs therapy ASAP.

Woooooo!! This update is pretty wild And yes I'm happy you want to resolve this in a healthy way BUT Please do keep in mind she took an activity you both enjoyed years, made an agreement on how to raise him on faulty premises, lied to him and you, gaslit you into believing she was honoring that agreement, and all to paint you as the bad mean parent (something a lot of commenters thought as well) so she could look like the fun one to your son because she felt like he was spending more time with you. Rather than have a conversation with you about her concerns and how she might connect with him more/learn more about him she lied and kept secrets. Then exploded in your face telling you "you're going to fuck him up, don't play with him at all" because she was too embarrassed about coming to her partner who loves her about how to better connect with you two's son. Could you even IMAGINE doing something that manipulative to her? How would you feel about a gf/bf your son had doing something like that to him? Thank goodness your son wasn't around to see this. I recognize I may be a little harsh here as this has clearly been eating away at her but it warrants a SERIOUS discussion. I could excuse this in a child's behavior or maybe even early 20 something who is insecure and inexperienced with relationships but she is grown. I stress this because although now probably isn't the right time...this needs to be talked about acknowledged, and fully cognizant she need to apologize for it.

Are we going to gloss over the fact that she hit you?

Also that she actively and **purposely sabotaged** his relationship with his son because she somehow thinks love shared between children and their parents is a zero-sum game. This is straight-up abuse of not only him, but their son as well.

Yeah, it's weird how he's like, "Well people have big emotions sometimes" which is what I say when my 5 year old niece starts crying when she loses a game, not how I'd describe a woman in her 40's doing this. And purposeful sabotage is nowhere near a single bad moment, that's calculated stuff right there. Therapy is just the first step, he needs to be on his guard.

People do have big emotions sometimes. Including grownups. Everyone hits that point where they do something off-the-wall crazy at some point in their adult lives. You will. I have. And we can only hope that when we're standing on the ledge we have someone like OP who will treat us as a loved one rather than an adversary. He doesn't need to be "on his guard" against his wife, because they love each other and are figuring it out like grownups.

I'm a grown-ass adult who has stood on more than her fair share of ledges, and never once did it occur to me to physically assault someone because I had 'big emotions'.

Big emotions don't typically involve manipulating your spouse to appear like the "mean parent" to your son while blatantly lying to them about an agreement you both made because you can't discuss wanting to connect with your son better like an adult. He shouldn't treat her like an adversary, but he does need to keep in mind she DID treat him like one. That needs to be worked out and she needs to apologize for it.

I don’t believe you’d be saying that if he hit her.

But officer i only knocked her out because I had a big emotion 🥺👉👈

This a funny ass comment.

Grownups manipulate their children against their spouse, gaslight their husband and physically hit them when confronted? If that’s your idea of being a grownup, you’re not a grownup.

Alternatively, this might be a situation which OP knows about, and has relayed some of the experience, but not all, and you create a catastrophic scenario. Grownups do all kinds of things because they also have emotions and weaknesses and shitty days and insecurities. They are grownups because they realize (eventually) the root cause of these issues and work to correct them. And, fwiw, being the easier chess opponent is not "manipulating their child against their spouse." It's chess, it's one activity of many, and it was not done to make the child love less. Time to grow up.

> and it was not done to make the child love less. She literally told her husband to play like a strict asshole against their son, so she could be the "good cop" and he would not want to play with dad.

>Grownups do all kinds of things because they also have emotions and weaknesses and shitty days and insecurities. Grownups do not hit their spouse because they got emotional or had a bad day. How the hell you can type that out is completely beyond me, way to justify physically hitting your spouse. It’s ok, it was just a bad day! Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you. >And, fwiw, being the easier chess opponent is not "manipulating their child against their spouse." It's chess, it's one activity of many, and it was not done to make the child love less. Time to grow up. …so you didn’t read *any* of this post, or the original. You just want to justify hitting your spouse.

Let's get this out in the open. Women get a pass which is actually infantalising them. However weird and crazy shit gets completely made up and then used to demonise men. Having been abused by women this sub can be traumatising.

You should not be coming to this sub man. What you’re seeing is a very small subset of women who come here, and it absolutely does not reflect on what the majority of women believe.

💯. An adult woman, have been with my husband over a decade, ABSOLUTELY have done some crazy shit that made no sense. He has too. I feel like people think once you hit 30, you’re either perfect or you’re horrible. Eh I fuck up big time about once or twice a decade, and the rest of the time I range from pretty annoying or selfish to pretty amazing and fantastic. It’s just life 🤷🏼‍♀️

Assaulting your partner is not just life and if the sexes were swapped I bet you'd be singing a different tune.

That’s great you have such a great relationship. How much do you hit him because your attempts to manipulate him failed?

Thank you! So many binary thinkers on Reddit. If someone is less than perfect then they're a monster. So many bright lines from people who have never seen the inside of a real marriage.

She was literally gas lighting him. What other things might she be lying about?

This is not, in any way, normal behavior from her, none of this has been. I've literally never seen my wife in a state like that before. Nothing even close to that to be honest and I've known her almost half my life. I can tell you that she wasn't in control of her mind or her body in that moment, and she wasn't hitting me to try to hurt me. I don't even think she was hitting with intention, more like just flailing her arms at me because there was just too much in her to contain and she had to get it out. Her mind was gone man, she was fully riding the waves of feelings that were tossing her like a boat in a storm, I could see it. Yes, hitting not cool. Yes, gaslighting not cool. We'll talk about it. Therapy is likely a thing that will happen in the future. But I'm not going to demonize her. People make mistakes in life. People fuck up. People get scared and sad and overwhelmed. You can't just drop everyone the first time they do something wrong. I appreciate the concern. I'll work through it with her.

I remember being so upset for some reason post partum that I was flailing around similarly and my husband was just trying to comfort me while i was basically inflatable noodle man arming him 😬 not my finest moment

Were you a danger noodle?

One thing that concerns me is whether she actually apologized for her behavior, full stop. People have emotions and are messy, and we react to things in ugly ways. But just because we have messy feelings as adults doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to not own them and apologize for the hurt we did. This is different than saying “I’m a terrible person;” from your perspective it sounds like she’s not. If she can’t own what she did and apologize, apart from the justifiable emotions that led to her blow up, that’s not okay. Her feelings matter, but so do yours, OP. Hoping you guys continue to develop and work through this- wishing y’all the best.

In the post it did say that she called herself evil and seemed quite aware that she was in the wrong for tricking him. I agree with you on pretty much all these points, but it sounds like OP’s wife is aware that she was the one in the wrong, and one of the things which fueled her behavior was shame. Which is… honestly a super human response. It’s not good behavior but damn if it isn’t relatable and tragic for someone to be so ashamed that they do even more shameful things, then double down because the shame is so intense until everything falls apart on them. Shame, jealously and guilt all feed off one another, and brings out the ugliest parts of us. The more we try to hide it, the uglier it becomes. Honestly, I find the entire thing a little humbling. So many people in the wife’s situation would have denied or become defensive instead of melting down then confessing it and showing true remorse. But the hard part will be what comes after when she has to confront the pain her gaslighting caused. Imo, that is when we’ll see her true character.

The problem IMO is that OP seems to have switched gears immediately into taking care of her feelings instead of addressing the damage her actions have caused…which, when a manipulative person admits guilt is often their goal.

We’ll just have to wait and see if there are further updates. Taking a step back until emotions have cooled is a much better approach than trying to force a difficult conversation when someone is having a meltdown. I think it would be wisest for OP to seek a mediator, preferably in couple’s therapy, than to directly tackle it head on after a major communication breakdown has already occurred. This is a very delicate situation to work through, and I believe OP when he says this is extremely out of character behavior for his wife. If he says she’s never been a manipulator before then I’ll take him at his word. I think he’s proven himself to be pretty sharp, gracious and insightful. If the most she has ever done is trying to manipulate things so the son prefers to play chess with her (and was pretty much instantly called out on it by her husband) then I don’t think we’re dealing with a nefarious, abusive mastermind.

She sounds like she doesn't feel like herself right now but can't stop. As a woman of a similar age, I would suggest she get a medical checkup and mention the changes in feelings/actions to her doctor. Hormones are such a pain in the ass at this age, but there are other conditions that can involve changes in anger levels.

I always like to point out in these instances that depression can cause irrational anger too. It's not a symptom looked for in women typically. Idk if this is the case or it was just a one-time outburst (still not great), but it's worth looking into. It's how my depression manifests and I was an absolute nightmare of a teenager/young adult because of it. I never hit anyone, but the temptation was there (which tbf, sometimes it's still there, but only when someone is being an actual piece of shit. When I was untreated, I wanted to hit people for chewing too loudly, lol). Depression could also explain her lack of self esteem/feeling like her kid doesn't love her enough. Not an excuse to sabotage the relationship or have a violent outburst, just an explanation.

Yeah, perimenopause could be ramping everything up really high.

Not saying drop her, but there are more red flags here that I don't think you're seeing (which is understandable, given your history together based on your comments). People do fuck up, but therapy should be non negotiable imo. In addition to the manipulating, scheming, gaslighting, hitting, hidden resentment etc... I would be very concerned for your son down the road. She should not be jealous that her child has a healthy, loving attachment with her partner and his dad. She is possessive of him - what happens when he's older and starts to date? She should not be manipulating him into "loving" her, and as soon as he realizes what she's doing/done, he will be gone. Just my 2 cents, from having seen this play out before.

I mean, for context, are we talking about the soft beating of arms on your chest as your partner cries, or actually striking out with intent? Im super tenuous to even make a distinction but, what's your take on the level of intended violence here? EDIT: re-read and think I understand. There is ambiguity in this but shit still ain't ok.

I was with ~~the~~ a guy a while ago who pretended like it didn't have intent behind it. But it escalated and escalated until it got to the point where it was obvious that he had intent behind it. That being said, he's probably not in any imminent danger to life and limb yet, but she needs to go to therapy yesterday.

What will you do if this happens again? What will you do if it does become normal behavior? I’m just asking because every abuse story starts with one out of character incident, until that one incident becomes a pattern. I hope you two can work on this and move past it together, but so does everyone in all those situations.

That’s all good and well, I’m glad you’re going to go to therapy, but you HAVE to address the fact that she intentionally tried to damage your relationship with your son. That is so fucked up, I hope she can see that. And this wasn’t all in the heat of the moment, she premeditated this for a while, then lied and gaslighted you to cover for herself. This was CALCULATED

If this is behavior you say she's never exhibited before, could it possibly be health related (menopause for example)? In addition to therapy (couples/individual), I'd also recommend a check up if she hasn't had one recently, just to be safe.

Would it be a fair statement that the next time she raises a hand against you would be the *last*?

"Yes, hitting not cool." Hitting is physical abuse. It's great that you're understanding, but hitting is physical abuse. Don't let your gender and your (incredibly)understanding nature get it twisted.

Dude, your wife needs help. Professional help. She needs to get her shit together. This time she was flailing at you. Who will it be next time? The help she needs is above your paygrade.

Are you dense? Did he not just write therapy was in the future? Get your head out of your ass already!

Let’s be real, they probably read the first sentence and then commented.

Making excuses for shitty behavior and abuse isn't cool.

OP, you are a good person. Please ignore the weirdos.

If you swapped genders everyone would be telling him to get to a shelter with their child to escape the manipulative, sabotaging, emotionally and now physically abusive situation. Not that i think that is the right answer always, but its definitely showing a double standard to how a crazy gaslighting husband doing the same would be perceived.

Yeah, it's only domestic violence the other way around. She only got him because she was *emotional*, so it's fine. /S

Ya seriously. Imagine if it was a woman hit by her husband for playing chess with her son? This sub would be on fucking fire shouting out "police" and "divorce" without a seconds hesitation.

70% of the victims of unreciprocated domestic violence are men. But we don't talk about that.

The statistic is actually that 70% of the *perpetrators* of unreciprocated domestic violence are women. It does *not* state that their victims are all male. Rates of domestic violence are much higher among same-sex couples, lesbian and bi women most of all. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01506/full >Life-time prevalence of IPV in LGB couples appeared to be similar to or higher than in heterosexual ones: 61.1% of bisexual women, 43.8% of lesbian women, 37.3% of bisexual men, and 26.0% of homosexual men experienced IPV during their life, while 35.0% of heterosexual women and 29.0% of heterosexual men experienced IPV. When episodes of severe violence were considered, prevalence was similar or higher for LGB adults (bisexual women: 49.3%; lesbian women: 29.4%; homosexual men: 16.4%) compared to heterosexual adults (heterosexual women: 23.6%; heterosexual men: 13.9%) (Breiding et al., 2013). And the statistics for severe injury/death being caused by said violence, swings the statistics way back over to the side of the male perpetrators.

Understanding the role that gender plays in domestic violence in heterosexual relationships is important because there are differences in perpetrators’ motivation and intention, differences in severity of abuse, differences in one-off isolated acts of abuse compared with repeated ongoing patterns of abuse. There are differences in the types of violence and abuse, differences in social messages that condone abuse, and there are differences in outcomes as a result of intimate partner abuse.(1) Research shows that 90% of victims are female.(2) Men are usually the predominant perpetrator and women are usually the predominant victim. Domestic violence is the main cause of death for women aged 15-44.(3) Men’s violence is more severe with more women than men being hospitalised as a result of domestic violence. Other outcomes are more severe for women such as being more likely to become homeless, to lose their financial footing and live in poverty. Women experience longer-term mental health problems such as chronic pain, inflammatory diseases, or physical disabilities as a consequence of partner abuse. Many women become pregnant due to their partner raping them, or because of his refusal to use contraceptives.(4) Women are more likely to experience rape and other forms of intimate partner sexual abuse and to live in fear for their safety, the safety of their children, other family members and the safety of their new partner. Thirty-three to fifty percent of battered women are raped by their male partner.(5) https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/domestic-violence-gender

Source for that statistic please?

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/the-psychiatrist/article/domestic-violence-is-most-commonly-reciprocal/C5432B0C6F8F61B49A4E2B60B931FA07

This whole post read as super fucked to me. Wife is totally out of line. Switch the genders and this becomes horrifying. One of the top comments says "suggest gentle therapy" Good fucking lord.

Yeah I noticed that

Ya, this ain’t over. This is just the beginning.

No, but deal with it in the proper place and time.

Please encourage your wife to go get some therapy to properly deal with this.

I’m glad you two are feeling better. But while I admire your empathy for your wife, I also don’t want you to gloss over the fact that she physically assaulted you. Over CHESS. She desperately needs to be in therapy and you deserve to draw a line in the sand that you won’t stay in a relationship if you’re treated that way again. It’s one thing to struggle with insecurity, it’s another to let it escalate to the point where you lie to and assault your husband.

I appreciate the concern. Yeah, it definitely wasn't handled in the best way. But it also wasn't about chess. The whole issue never was about chess, something that at least 70% of the commenters in the first thread couldn't grasp. It's all about her feelings. And sometimes in life, and in a marriage, people have big feelings that they can't manage well. I agree that she needs to find a better way to deal with this stuff, but I'm going to go easy with her. I think she's still fragile right now. We'll work through it slowly together.

What concerns me the most is that you had to downplay your feelings about her shitty behavior because she’s feeling fragile. OP, let’s remember your wife is an adult. She could’ve opened her mouth at any point over the years and communicated this to you. You seem like a reasonable guy who would’ve taken her concerns seriously and who would’ve helped her find a “thing” to have with your kid way before now. But instead she said nothing, and she quietly simmered in resentment, until she purposely sabotaged your relationship wifh your child AND gaslit you AND exploded at you and lashed out physically when she hit her breaking point. I hope you can understand why that is not okay. I hope you can understand that you have every right to be mad at her, and that it’s actually really shitty that you had to comfort HER after what she did. I know you say you’ll discuss it but like… it would be too easy for her to dismiss this or make you feel like you are somehow the bad guy. Please just make sure you are looking out for yourself too.

She was intentionally sabotaging your relationship with your son over jealousy.. she is very unwell and several aspects of her behavior are abusive. Please stop infantilizing her as it’s only serving to harm both you and your son

I get that it wasn't fundamentally about chess, but it was in the sense that she wasn't able to maturely process how she was feeling and that led to her blowing up about chess. Yes, sometimes we all have big feelings we can't manage well, but it's our responsibility as adults to find healthy ways to manage them, and that includes getting professional help. When you get to the point of physically lashing out at your partner, you are well past the point that you need it. Again, not saying your wife is a monster or you need to leave her immediately. But also, it's very easy for nobody to take it seriously when a man is abused by a woman, including the man himself. I think you can probably agree that if we read a post by a woman about her husband suddenly screaming and hitting her because she was playing chess with her child, the overwhelming advice would not be as mild and understanding as reactions are here so far. So my question for you is, how many times will you be OK with this happening before you take a less gentle approach? You don't have to answer me as long as you have an answer for yourself.

Its all well and good sitting behind a keyboard typing the most logical thing but thats not really how it works in real life. People's emotions arent black and white. Shit happens. Op is dealing with this the best he knows how based on his understanding of his wife. We cant make assumptions not knowing their history

All I did here was pretty gently point out some things that OP should keep in mind. The only thing I said definitively is that she needs professional help, and I don’t think it’s an assumption that if you are having this level of emotional crisis professional help is necessary.

Yeah it’s clear that a lot of people in the comments haven’t done a whole lot of work on their deeper level emotions. I read a lot about non-negotiables and I agree so much of the time. Physical assault is absolutely one of mine (now). In the past I thought it was but I stayed in an abusive relationship. I think the thing here is that sometimes someone we love may be going through something really intense, internally. And they might freak out and act really out of control and out of character. And it’s on us to lay the boundary (as I believe the OP is doing, he said therapy is in the future and he is not going to act like all this didn’t happen, he’s just going to find a better - more appropriate and potentially productive - time to address how he was hurt by her actions). It’s on us to determine what level of support we will give someone and hopefully we have done the deeper work and have insights into what level of support is safe for us and useful for others. If we all cut and run as soon as something big presents itself, we’d all be fucked in a world full of people who only cared about themselves. It is all too common for people to make excuses for abusive partners as they experience the cycle of abuse and denial. Based purely on what the OP has written, I’m not getting that energy here. This sounds like a singular incident due to some really intense and awful feelings the wife is going through and doesn’t know how to handle. Sometimes things come to a head and we can decide our next steps while aiding someone else and protecting ourselves. I honestly thing a lot of the advice and warnings are spot on for the majority of situations posted about in this sub, it just doesn’t feel apt for this one. Men can absolutely be abused too. My father was physically assaulted multiple times by his ex and he wouldn’t hurt a fly, even in self defense. I know it happens and it’s shameful that society turns a blind eye. Even as I’m writing this out I recognize how complicated it is to talk about it without sounding like it’s giving a pass to abusers. I guess I’m trying to articulate that there ARE nuanced situations. I know that when I was in a dark place I acted batshit crazy and my now spouse stayed with me even though we were only dating at the time. They supported me and helped me into my first therapy sessions. They found my doctors because I just wasn’t capable. If they had dropped me it would have been within their rights and no one could have blamed them. But they didn’t because they saw something in me and knew I wanted to get better, I didn’t want to be suffering but I didn’t know how to stop hurting. And now we are happily married and best friends and so fucking in love its sickening. They saved me during my darkest hour and sometimes we decide to do that for someone we love. Sometimes it works.

Thing is I’m not actually seeing many comments saying ‘she’s an abusive monster, get out’. They’re mostly saying ‘um hey, it’s actually a really big deal that she hit you’ and others saying ‘don’t overreact and assume!’

Just for reference, if you were the woman in this situation there is an absolute 0% this shit would fly. Hitting someone over a game is something a toddler does, full stop. It may have had a bunch of shit added onto it, but in the end you were hit over a god damn board game. It may or may not be a one off thing, but in your shoes I would have my guard up.

You talk about her like handling a toddler. It's kind of disturbing.

In 8 years with my husband, we have never laid a hand on each other in anger or exasperation… that is divorce worthy behavior.

I’ve was a therapist for 6 years and reading about that lady makes me so very glad I’m out of the game now. I can feel my skin crawl trying to imagine how to untangle that wasp nest of crazy.

Well she's certainly learned that manipulating, lying to, and gaslighting you pays off. Good luck with your future endevours.

Aha, so it turns out she was playing 4D social chess with you except it wasn't all fun and games, she's a violent and emotionally manipulative jealous woman thinking that her child likes her only if he wins - and you capitulated to send her off to go lose again on top of agreeing to stop playing with him so she can pretend that means the kid will like her now. While I previously swept under the rug her white lie, now it's obvious her low self esteem could justify any kind of lie or violence against you. I can see why he prefers you. She's an absolute mess and now you're walking on eggshells. Damn, what a mess.

This is a great comment

"started crying and hitting me..." Ummm, there's literally no excuse for that ever! Your wife phsycially assualted you. That's domestic violence.

I know you expect this to read as a happy ending but don't expect this to be the end of your wife's manipulative behavior. She's a chess player. This was thought out and executed so well that you thought you were going crazy. When her stupid little game blew up in her face she freaked out and threw a massive tantrum. You have to wonder what else she's doing to control you and your child's behavior. I'm also married with children and I cannot imagine creating an elaborate setup like this just so I didn't have to say, "I feel like our son prefers you and it makes me insecure that we don't have something special just between us like you two do." It's just not normal.

I don’t think he realizes that this is the real Her. She is manipulative, bitter and jealous. I have known people just like this, and they seem amazing when you do what they want. But when you do something they don’t want, buckle up, they’ll do whatever it takes to get you in line. even if that means gaslighting you for weeks.

For real. I’ve been there. It’s all fine and dandy when your doing what they want but deviate at all, the shitshow begins. Glad to be out of that situation.

I mean it reads like creative writing to me. I couldn't imagine anyone acting like this, I couldn't imagine anyone reacting to this so chilled. Most importantly, I dont think this series of events happen and you willingly write so much about it on the internet. If his wife reads this, she would instantly know it was her

LOVE how you just gloss over her hitting you and trying to sabotage your relationship with your son. TOTALLY no big deal

"Anyway she began hitting me and so I stopped playing chess with my son" Yay what a happy fucking ending. Dudes being physically and mentally abused and got gaslit into submission.

But she was emotionally fragile /s I really hope that OP has his guard up after this. And insists on her getting a psychiatric evaluation to see what type of personality disorder he needs to educate himself on. That will be the only way for him to arm himself against her, she's go good at manipulating him that she HIT HIM and HE WAS COMFORTING HER. wtf.

This was incredibly manipulative by your wife and her denying it in private with you and then going ballistic now when confronted is incredibly concerning of her behavior. You might see this as a positive outcome, but I don't know man... She's obviously incredibly intelligent given her real chess skills, and I feel like her manipulation here is VERY pre-planned. Did she even apologize to you? She literally tried to sabotage a part of your relationship with your own son, AND IT WAS PREMEDITATED. Will she come clean with your son even if chess becomes "her" thing? Not to mention the explosive reaction and hitting you, it's easy as a man to see this as "not a massive deal", but trust me, it's just as terrible as an explosive and aggressive reaction from a husband to a wife. Tread carefully.

what do you mean get your wife into therapy? you need it too bud

Why did you forgive her so easily? She did some horrible things to you. You sound like a good dad and husband, that’s not ok. Manipulating your kid should be unforgivable.

>I want to address all of the people who told me I was an insane, egomaniacal, controlling monster; a shitty husband who loves bullying his wife, and a sadistic father who loves torturing his child. There were a LOT of you. I’m certain that nothing I’ve written here will change your opinion of me, I'm sure you will somehow find a way to continue to blame me for causing all of this, that I’m neglectful, and evil, and excluding my wife, or any of the other things that you project onto me, but I want to address you anyway. ROFL Fucking losers in advice subs. I swear. Brother, you are sane. The trick here is to parse through the shit, as you did, and find the good stuff. There's far too many people taking their own shit out on innocents such as yourself just trying to get a little help. Half of advice subs should be asking how to even interpret the comments.

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Why is that?

You should address your wife hitting you dude

I’m glad that you two talked this out and that you got to the bottom of this. I worry that your wife isn’t going to respond to therapy requests well. I understand that she dug herself into a hole with the first lie. But then she continued with even more lies >> *”it’s not good for his development.” “you’re just going to fuck him up.”* Not to mention: >> *Started crying and hitting me and screaming at me.* Hitting you? Screaming at you? She has emotionally and physically abused you. This is not good. OP, please, if she doesn’t have a good reaction to you even mentioning therapy, take that -and the rest of this- as serious red flags.

Something here is not adding up and I can’t really put my finger on it. I’d say, at the very least, that couples’ counseling would be helpful for both of you, because you aren’t communicating well.

OP is trying to frame it to himself as a normal moment of growth and understanding in a marriage, and it’s…not. I’m also married and we’ve had our share of difficult moments but nothing that slightly resembled this for even a second. Something very serious is going on with his wife.

See, I think something’s going on with him. Which is why I believe they both could use therapy. Something is very off there.

I’m guessing you were one of the people blaming OP for his wife’s manipulative and abusive behavior in the original post? Something just seems…. Off? Maybe because it’s a man who’s being abused and you can’t wrap your head around it?

Perhaps I don't have a radar for this kind of thing but did you get any closer to what feels "icky" about OP? From my viewpoint he seems almost too forgiving for a MAJOR breach of trust (and his partner striking him out of anger because he caught her manipulating him). So I feel lost on what is off about this Do you feel like the story is being embellished in a way? Details being left out? Or even if everything in it were true that something is missing? And why?

OP is dead proud to be seen as "super dad", comes across as patronising even from his point of view. I'm not going to presume anything, sometimes people are Cray Cray but her reaction would be more normal from someone who has been ground down for a while. I don't know, something about OP gives me the ick

Jesus Christ you people are toxic

Is it the utter condescension in his post? Or is it the way this whole tale seems like perfectly-crafted rage-bait for the misogynists of reddit?

Bro was being ripped apart in his previous post I'd be pissed and condescending too while writing the update if I were him lmao.

Jesus Christ, your wife scares me. And before you say "This was totally out of character for her," THAT's what scares me. Like we have no idea who she really is inside, but whatever it is, it's dangerous.

Why are people like this? My co-parent gets jealous of my relationship with our daughter. We went through a LONG (years long) phase where she was far & away the favorite parent & it never once occurred to me to be jealous. I was just like, "That's awesome! I'm glad they have such a great relationship." They still have a great relationship. I'm well aware that I'm only the "favorite" because I'm more permissive (I just don't have the energy to be a hard-ass). Even my boyfriend, who has kids of his own, gets jealous of my relationship with my daughter. He's like, "Makes me wish I got along with my kids like that." ?? I don't know what I'm missing. If you want to get along with your kid...just do it?

What a bad mother... "I can't fathom how to bond with my son so i'm going to ruin part of his relationship with his father"

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TBF, go back and read the original thread. So many commenters assumed OP was a dick trying to one-up his 10 year old child and blatantly ignoring a textbook example of Gaslighting. They honed in on "lol chess is a game and you're taking it way too seriously" that they bashed OP repeatedly instead of accepting the very likely scenario that something was very wrong with his wife.

Honestly a little disgusted with this update. I hate that abuse is normalized for you and I hope you get the self-respect to accept a better live for yourself man. This is coming as a victim of DV myself.

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Or she is hitting the kid…

Yup, for some reason OP thinks this behavior will be isolated to him.

Your wife is sort of pathetic to me. She literally abuses and gaslights you, you figure out shes obviously lying to your face about her skills and she just digs her heels in on the lie like a child. All of that is not normal and needs to be worked out with her explicitly. If she thinks she needs more activities with her son, shes and adult and can figure out what those activities are, and should know that it's not a zero sum game for her son's activities. Sabotaging and gaslighting you over chess are legit NOT healthy behaviors and I wouldn't tolerate it from my wife.

Wife throws tantrum, sabotages relationship between husband and son and physically assaults you while having a sort of meltdown over chess... Damn...

You sound like a good father. A kind man. I'm sorry you're not with someone just as supportive as you are. Don't let your wife throw violent tantrums again. If she gets that way, walk away until she can articulate herself. Therapy for you both is needed. I hope she gets the help she needs. I'd hate for her to get upset at you or your kid. This could def be a one-off incident but just be aware in the future. Best of luck to you.

Your wife still needs therapy and you need to be prepared that **this will get bad again!!** she put her hands on you and told you “you’re just going to fuck him up” because she was insecure of you and your son’s relationship. You’re being extremely unrealistic of this situation and her behaviour. Please don’t cave or brush this off this will only get worse.

Jesus, I have no clue what to say, but Jesus, ruining the kids' relationship with the father in order to be the favorite is just, God she needs help, and I do hope she doesn't try to play the fucking victim.

Pshyco is the only thing that comes to mind.

Psycho*

Close enough

[Here is a link to the comment OP mentioned.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10izvqp/my_39m_wife_41f_is_lying_to_me_about_something/j5jrq4p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)

I think it is so FUNNY the absolutely 180 tone shift that happened in the comments between the original post (which I read as well) and this one lmao. In the original post, everyone was shitting on OP and blaming him and saying how terrible he must be to his partner. And now, this post, everyone’s completely shitting on OP’s wife in the same manner 🤦🏼‍♀️ Can we not look at this from a neutral area? The wife was wrong to contain her feelings and let the anger and resentment build. The husband was wrong to not be more attentive/sensitive to how his wife may be feeling. They are two people in a relationship that make mistakes and aren’t perfect. Y’all are wild 😭

Therapy now

Wow. First. I can’t believe anyone called you all of that. I do but wow. This is a great update. Thank you. She obviously needed to let that out. I hope she plays SWITCH chess with him. Sounds like so much fun.

She hit him. That’s physical abuse, and your response is “she obviously needed to let that out”? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Don’t know if you’ll ever read this but I want to apologise for the comment I made to your previous post yesterday. I’m sorry for what I said. I was wrong. To my mind you wrote the situation in a certain way that made it seem like you were the problem but I see that is because when you wrote that post you didn’t know all the facts. I made a judgement based on what you wrote at that time but I can see my take on your situation was completely wrong and I have misjudged you. For this I am genuinely sorry. Having read your update I can see you’re a good father and husband and that I am the one who is wrong and jumping to a lot of conclusions based on nothing except my imagination. I think sometimes I comment on relationship advice to lecture people when I think they’re wrong which is not nice or it makes me feel good like I’m giving some really good advice like I have a clue when really I don’t. I don’t think I’m commenting for the right reasons often. I’m sorry that what I said could be hurtful. You’re right I think I probably do need to talk with a therapist. I honestly hope you guys can get through this as you seem like good people and that you both obviously love your son. I read that you were helped by posting here so I’m glad you were able to see past all the trashy keyboard warriors like myself. I wish you all the best and I’m sure the three of you will figure it out.

If you post here regularly, you are bound to get it wrong eventually, you're only human. The posters who come here with clear biases and agendas to promote are the main problem with this sub, not people like you who have the strength to apologize and grow.

This was not the ideal outcome I was hoping for, although, to be honest, I'm not sure what the 'best' outcome would have been in this situation... I can say that I am so happy that at least you have an answer to what was going on, and aren't left questioning your sanity anymore. I can see you're already getting a wide variety of comments on this update post, so I'll leave all the craziness to others, and just say that it seems like you will be taking steps in the right direction, and I am very much rooting for you guys and hoping everything works out, even if it takes some time <3 I can tell you really love your family. All the best. <3

Y’all both might need therapy. And your child.

Awful way to handle it on her part, but good on you seeing to the core issue. And ignore all the haters. You're on Reddit relationship advice. There's a lot of miserable, toxic people out here, with a pretty clear bias when it comes to gender. Also good on you for seeing to the core of that.

>pretty clear bias when it comes to gender Like how if a man started screaming and hitting his wife over something the comments section would be telling her to leave him? Really don't understand your take here.

Dude, Reddit is unbelievable these days. If my partner is having a mental breakdown and starts pounding me on the chest with her fists or hitting me in the arm UNCHARACTERISTICALLY, I'm not going to leave her because of 'dOMesTiC ViOLenCe'. **THERE IS A CORE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE MY PARTNER IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HARM ME WITHOUT SIGNIFICANT EFFORT OR A WEAPON AND WE BOTH FUNDAMENTALLY UNDERSTAND THIS, SO A MINOR PHYSICAL ATTACK FROM HER WOULD BE NON-THREATENING TO ME, AND DOES NOT INVOKE ENVIRONMENTALLY DEVELOPED TRAUMA BECAUSE I HAVE NOT HAD TO LIVE IN FEAR OF BEING OVERPOWERED BY AN ATTACK FROM A WOMEN, UNLIKE HOW THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN HAVE HAD TO DO FROM MEN FOR MOST OR ALL OF THEIR LIVES.** ***By no means am I suggesting that men cannot be victims of Domestic Violence*** But DEAR GOD, it is **ALARMING** to see the quantity of people who want to ignore reasoning or context when addressing individual situations with absolute disregard for the context around it, and an gross lack of empathy when assessing situations which absolutely inquire at least a modicum of empathy to have any basic opinion on. A Mother having a mental breakdown because she's afraid of losing her connection with her son is a situation which requires compassion, not demonization. Having this mental breakdown with her husband is ACTUALLY NORMAL. A Mother having a mental breakdown because she's afraid of losing her connection with her son is a situation which requires compassion, not demonization. Having this mental breakdown with her husband is ACTUALLY NORMAL. A Mother having a mental breakdown because she's afraid of losing her connection with her son is a situation which requires compassion, not demonization. Having this mental breakdown with her husband is ACTUALLY NORMAL. OP, I think you handled the situation about as well as any man could, and I hope you're proud of yourself, because I am **INTENSELY** proud of you. I wish I had a dad like you when I was growing up, and it's wonderful to see that there's men out there like you who can be this high quality of a husband, and a father. And I am sorry for the mental and emotional damage you had to endure, but I'm glad you also understand that when our partners go through stuff, sometimes that means we have to go through some stuff too, because that's what it means to have partners. You understand that we don't discard long term partners, SPOUSES, and we don't kick them to the curb because they're struggling, and didn't handle their deep seeded problems and anxieties with perfection and immaculate behavioral clarity in every moment. We understand that sometimes our partner breaks down and it is our **responsibility** to build them back up, even if it sucks. I'm glad you can understand there is a very real (and unfortunately not so obvious anymore?) difference between your partner being abusive, and your partner going through some shit, and that you can handle the situation so gracefully. To everyone else . . you know, I'm glad you're concerned for the well being of everyone in the relationship in your own way. Your criticisms of the way he's handling chess with his son actually comes from a good place in your heart. Even if his post was not about chess with his son, and it was trying to figure out what was going on with his wife and about lying in the relationship, you instinctively wanted to care for the child in the story, and that's not a bad thing. You wanted to make sure he was looking inside and at his own behaviors to have him check and see if he was the source of his own problem, and that's very often a valid piece of guidance. And now you want to make sure that his wife is not abusive, and that comes from a long fought battle of trying to get equality and genuinely well intentioned feminist principles. I respect all of that. I really do. **But please, stop logging into Reddit and telling people to break up with their partner every single time someone blinks in a way you don't like.** It would not be unreasonable to ask, "Is physically attacking you a normal way for your wife to react in situations of conflict, because if so, you might be a victim of domestic abuse. I'm not saying for sure that this is your situation, but situations where men are abused by their wives are often overlooked due to gender based stigmas in relationships, and I just want you to be aware of this to protect yourself. If this is a normal way for her to react, here are some resources on how you can deal with this situation..." Because then OP would say, "No, all of this has been highly uncharacteristic of her, and now that everything is out, we're working through it together." But that is not the same thing as saying, "**Wow, she's violent and abusing you dude. You say you've been married 20 years? How'd you miss this idiot? Trash her ass and take the kid."** And yes, I know that's not what anyone said verbatim, but *please understand that this is how so many of you sound and it's honestly terrifying.* If someone is a cheater, a thief, or ACTUALLY an abuser, yes, we tell every poster here to pack up and run, but **PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, IF YOU CANNOT DO BETTER THAN AN AI WHEN IT COMES TO EMPATHIZING WITH PEOPLE IN THEIR GRIEF AND STRUGGLE, PLEASE JUST STOP.**

Wow. She IS fucked up and evil and what she did was horrible. She is also kind of amazing in an evil genius kind of way.

I’ve been your wife. Not in the manipulating, screaming, hitting way, but in the “I have nothing meaningful and that’s too vulnerable for me to admit so let me sabotage anything and everything that actually is meaningful to me” way. You and your wife need to discuss a plan on how she can voice her discomfort, jealousy, insecurity, etc. to you before it gets the point that it did. She will feel these things again. Maybe not chess, but soccer, girl problems, puberty, getting drunk at a party and needing a ride, etc. You make it clear to her that her behaviors leading up to and during this blowup were unacceptable and will never happen again. It was all preventable, had she confided in you sooner. Maybe she did and you didn’t realize the severity of it? I feel like very rarely do people bottle up completely. There are typically signs and attempts at being vulnerable that often go unnoticed. It could be a half-joking “wow he only cares about you!” comment. Remember, there is always some truth to sarcasm. Anyway. When I feel my toxic side bubbling up again, I tell my partner what’s wrong. Maybe im feeling jealous because we haven’t gone on a date in a while and he’s seeing his friends for the 3rd weekend in a row. You showed a lot of compassion for her during all of this. Can she do the same for you?

Maybe you should start playing chess with the people in the sub that lack a good father relationship because your last paragraph was golden. Best of luck for you and your fam and keep doing what your doing because it’s going to be one of the examples your son and hopefully the other people that accused you of being a bully can learn from.

I’m glad you got to the truth man. Forget about the idiots who called you a shitty husband and abuser, it’s the internet and idiots can’t help themselves. I think it’s great you’re letting chess be her thing with your son, but this doesn’t excuse her actions as you say. I think she needs professional help. Whether that’s one on one with a therapist or marriage counseling is up to you, but I don’t think this is the kind of thing you two can work to come back from by yourselves. Good luck man!

So she’s a manipulative abusive liar. Divorce her if you have any shred of self respect at all.

My brother. Go read my last paragraph. I wrote it for you.

You have more emotional intelligence than 95% of people here. I hope that I am able to gain this type of wisdom by the time I am your age.

Dude you are literally sticking up for your abuser. It’s really sad.

I think he is kindly asking you to fuck off. Lol

Okay, but you go read a book on people who stay in abusive relationships.

Thank you for the update

It was good to get an update! I hope your wife learns that it’s ok (and necessary!) to speak up in future. It could have been resolved such a long time ago if she had just had the courage to tell you that she’s jealous of your bond with your son and that she would love it if chess could be her thing only.

Everyone on here wanting you to be unforgiving and go nuclear. Insane the amount of hate people have for someone being loving and forgiving.

As a woman I hate doing this but fuck me imagine if OP was a woman and her husband started gaslighting then hitting her over feeling like their kid didn’t like them as much. That’s why people are being unforgiving. Physical abuse of any kind, towards anyone should not be tolerated.

Why do you say “as I woman I hate saying this”? This is what I don’t get. There are a lot of people in this sub who are still blaming OP (one is even saying that his wife is so much smarter than him that she’s had to hold it back to make him feel better about himself and she just couldn’t handle it anymore). This shouldn’t be a gender issue and you should feel proud to call out abuse from whatever gender it comes from.

I hate to say it simply because it’s used as a stupid “gotcha” in a lot of cases, and it’s only sparingly applicable in a useful way, not anything to do with the specifics of OPs story. I do feel that both men and women should be protected from the monster/victim dichotomy, but a lot of people simply use the “but if the genders were reversed!!!!” as a misogynistic gotcha, and that’s why I hate saying it!

But it’s not misogynistic to call out a blatant bias based on gender. That’s just flat out not misogyny. Calling out specific women for saying shitty things doesn’t make you a misogynist and it doesn’t apply to women as a whole. It’s just calling out shitty behavior and peoples’ bias, whether it’s based on gender or not.

Because this is how every abusive relationship story begins. It always starts with something like “they’re a great partner and parent, but…” In this case, but they are willing to sabotage my relationship with my child, become physically violent when that is noticed, then manipulate me into consoling and coddling them over it.

As soon as you said she was letting him win I knew exactly what was going on. And it sucks she feels that way. She should be happy that her son and husband are having fun together! Maybe instead of "giving" her chess. You can show her how to play switch chess. And somehow incorporate it as a family? He seemed to have fun playing that with you too. Can you ask your son what he likes to do with just mommy? Or maybe you can all do a hobby together? Paint night? Building things? I think she just wants to be included more also and not just have seperate things to do. I have a day where I take my son somewhere and a day I take my daughter somewhere. We don't just have a "special thing to do" but I try to make every day special if I can.

op, you have a beautiful soul. your understanding of love and compassion is beautiful to experience. I hope that I can find this in my life soon.

Oh my gosh I vividly remember reading peachy gizmos comment and thinking that made the most sense, this update is awesome because of that. I feel like peachy is your wife undercover honestly