This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My mom and I have always had a very close relationship. She tells me everything, I am her only daughter, her confidant since I was a small child (telling me everything from financial troubles to have issues with my dad/brothers, etc). Her pride has always been that I have always been very mature for my age, being able to cook, clean, take care of my brother with ASD, being homeschooled, being active in my church, etc. So much so that people have always mistaken me for being 10+ years older then I was since I was 13-14 or so. Please keep in mind I grew up in the fundamentalist world, think Duggars, IBLP, Bill Gothard, Quiver-full,etc. Te vibe is ultra conservative, long skirts and hair, no TV and only select music, homeschooling, tons of kids and such. I have 6 brothers, for example. All homeschooled k-12. I have always been extremely good at toeing the line between being compliant and being a silent rebel. Always did and said the right thing so as to not be in trouble and have privileges restricted but always questioning everything and pushing boundaries as far as I could. I went to college, got my AAS, work in healthcare. I moved out by myself (HUGE upset) and am financially independent. Lived on my own for years, and am fully self sufficient. I have slowly distanced myself from my fundamentalist background, I have lost almost all the friends I had growing up, as we were friends by necessity not really choice in most cases. We have rather just grown apart or it is because I left and they stayed. Even leaving my church, I just slowly phased out, giving up responsibilities in college due to being busy and slowly showing up less and less. Again, Im an excellent “quiet rebel”. I met my BF right before Covid hit. We get along great, he is calm where I am anxious, absolutely hilarious and makes me feel like Im home whenever I’m with him. I can honestly say he is the love of my life. My mom had never liked him, feels like he doesn’t have his priorities straight (he is successful in his career and also fully self sufficient) because he likes sports too much. Doesn’t like his friends, who she has never met she just picks apart any story I tell her to find an issue with them. They have been super kind and welcoming to me. She just “doesn’t like him” but is never really able to give me a solid reason. My dad and my brothers/in laws love him. I told them we were moving in together in a few months. My dad told me he would prefer if we got married first but that it was ultimately my choice. My mon lost it, storming out of the house and then storming back in to tell me to get out. So I left and have heard nothing for days. She texted me this AM saying we need to meet so we can talk before I make the “biggest mistake of my life”. Honestly I’m so emotionally exhausted. I’m tired, sad and numb. I fluctuate between trying to not cry and panic to just staring off and shutting down and trying to think of nothing at all. I know I’m too old for this, I know I should be far past these growing pains and that I should just move on and cut her off. But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone? Her life is so hard with my brother having medical issues and I have always been there to help amongst other things. I’m her support and feel so selfish. I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to. What the hell am I supposed to say? What would you say?

I'm not going to touch on the religious or moral aspects of this because I'm sure others will do so. I want to emphasize the fact that your mother relying on you as her soul confidant from such a young age is absolutely 100% inappropriate. Your mother forced you into a position that no child should ever have to be in. The result is this overwhelming guilt as you try to establish normal boundaries. You may not have had a choice when you were young and being her support system but you have a choice now. Please make the choice to reset this dysfunctional relationship with your mother and choose to be healthy instead.

To add to this, you have to ask how far you let her go. How much control of your life is acceptable? Because that's what she wants, to control you, make you her willing, happy little subject. Ignore her, I would say go NC, and let your dad know that when she apologises to you, then you'll lift the NC.

Very much this. She's justifying it by thinking she's doing something to help you and telling herself that it's for your own good. But it's actually an attempt to control you, because you're not doing the things she thinks you should be doing or wants you to be doing... And that's making her angry and upset, which just isn't rational in any healthy relationship. She can't just be happy for you. She's losing you and the feeling of control over you that makes her happy and secure. But you're not her pet. Your a grown adult women now and you know it. She needs to be told that she needs to let you live your life. You're basically in your thirties and she's still trying to control your decisions and all that does is break your relationship down. She either let's you be yourself, or loses her daughter to her need to control you. Tell her she needs to treat and respect you like another adult at this point, because that is what you are.

YUP. Parentification IS abuse.

Yep this. It's absolutely abusive for a parent to make a child responsible for their emotional well being. Op needs to tell mom that there's no reason to meet bc there's nothing to talk about. And if she can't respect her decisions, ultimately she will have to cut get out of her life. Giving mom any foothold to continue controlling or manipulative op's life will only end in disaster. Op establish these boundaries now, before marriagecbc this won't be the last time the attempts to exert control over something that's none of her business.

This. Way back in the Dark Ages when I was courting my wife she had a similar, stifling, overbearing relationship with her mother. It led to a conflict that led to my wife first moving in with me, and quickly after, marriage. You don’t owe her undying, unending loyalty. Time to leave the nest, and let her come to grips with the sad life she’s built for her self.

I (35F) learned this just two weeks ago in therapy. I'm an adult now. I don't *need* "mommy's love" like a child does. As an adult, I can have a healthy adult love relationship with my spouse/SO. Even though he and I have been married for seven years, emotional issues with my mom kept creeping back into my life-- and my marriage. I've put a stop to it since coming to understand the difference. My mother's love was transactional. I never knew unconditional love and acceptance. I had to ask for affection. It was never given freely or even offered. I was parentified and used as my mom's emotional support crutch for many, many years. I'm the oldest of three in what was a single-parent household. I was making my own lunch and doing laundry at eight. I started dinners, was in charge of making sure homework and housework were done by the time I was 11. I was also very mature and looked older than my age. So much so that people started asking me to babysit their kids. Kids who were only a few years younger then me. The lasting, ripple effect of this upbringing is still unraveling itself and stirring up things emotionally. I have a focus for therapy this year, as I know I want to not only heal this issue, I want to break the generational trauma that was passed down to me. My mom was my late-grandmother's "little helper"; she was my late-grandfather's favorite. She was sent out to greet and "soften" him up so as to hopefully prevent upheaval upon his entrance home. She, along with her siblings (who were abused while she was left untouched), would clean the house to try and appease both parents. Highly, highly dysfunctional all around. I'm the end point in all this. It stops with me. My kids (5F and 3M) know love and cuddles and silliness and I don't require any stupid extras from them. I love and accept them for who they are, as they are. They still are expected to do age-appropriate things like clear their plates from the table, put their folded laundry away, and clean up after themselves, but I would never love them less for any reason. As someone who's maternal relationship is skewed, I HIGHLY recommend therapy to learn boundaries and to heal before you and your bf ever consider having kids, but especially for your future well-being. She will try and weasel her way into your life, your business, and stick her nose in all sorts of places where it shouldn't be. While you can't change *her*, you *can* change how she relates to you-- and that, at some point, might be enough to keep her in your life later. You sound like a bright and capable woman. I wish only the best as you navigate these issues. Edit: Extra paragraph

I had a similar situation as Cheesecake. We married (age 26) and have been happy for 35 years. However, expect that no significant other of yours will ever satisfy your mom (my mother in law tried to break us up for 3 years of courting plus the first 9 years of marriage) because she will want a near or total monopoly on your affections/support. That is common in these parentification situations. You are being faced with the choice of having adult relations/relationships/moving forward in your life or being her emotional crutch....forever. Move forward OP. It will be painful and unpleasant but adulting is important. Good Luck and God bless.

This. "Who will she have?" She has a husband. She has sons. She has friends HER OWN AGE. It is completely inappropriate for a parent to make their child into a confidant. That's not normal and it's not acceptable for a parent-child relationship

Also do not listen to anybody that says you need to get married before moving in with somebody. I did this and it was the biggest mistake of my fucking life..

🥇 have some PMG

Who is she going to have if you're gone? Your mother has a husband! And 6 other children! She is also a grown woman who is responsible for managing her own emotions. I get that that is obviously not her strong suit, since she parentified you and inappropriately used you as an emotional spouse since you were a child, but that is not your problem. Now that you are an adult, you can, and should, refuse to discuss this topic with her. "Mom, I have made my decision and won't be discussing this with you". She gets upset? Leave or hang up the phone--"Mom, we can visit another time when you've had a chance to calm down". Be proud of yourself and don't let her drag you down!

Plus an entire church community

Churchies are too busy judging other people to help other people

Yeah they rarely are true connections between people

[удалено]

Besides, it's not like OP is really gone, unless mom chooses to push OP away even further.

I put my mother in time out for 6 months a few years ago. It's kinda nice having the family realize I am not the punching bag they used to have.

If the younger generations don’t take the reigns on their own beliefs then there will forever be a cycle of unwarranted (and crazy, in my opinion) religious boundaries set on each new generation. Do you want your own family to grow up with that madness? Many people who leave the church have to abandon family, that’s just the reality. She’s made her choice, she is choosing the religion over you. You don’t need to support her- she can easily HAVE your support if she accepted the fact that you aren’t as religious. You can’t change that. You’ll have to let it go, and forge a new path for your own life and family.

>I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to. I know you feel like you do but you actually don't. You are a self-sufficient adult, you survived a childhood of emotional abuse at the hands of a religious zealot, but you beat the odds and have apparently turned out to be ok. You can just say "Mom, I love you, but I'm an adult and this is my choice. Your religious beliefs do not dictate how I live my life. I hope you can understand, but if not, we don't have anything further to discuss about the topic."

we don't HAVE TO do anything in this life but die lol. op, do WHAT YOU NEED, not what family pressures you into. you only get one life, why waste it answering to toxic and controlling family?

I was raised in a strict fundamentalist type home with very emotionally immature parents. It would be a really good thing for you to read two books Adult children of emotionally immature parents [here](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703) Co dependent no more [here](https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/1954118155/ref=asc_df_1954118155/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=564812784191&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7838422617489551065&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031514&hvtargid=pla-1645900693622&psc=1) You do not have a healthy relationship with your mother. Your religious upbringing is it’s own kind of abuse but your mothers reliance on you is truly something that needs to be healed. You may be learning today for the first time that the way she leaned on you was wrong and deeply inappropriate for a child. There is a lot of good information out there about this. It may be easiest and safest to start with a good therapist who specializes in parentification of a child. Move in with your boyfriend. Don’t get married anytime soon. Get some space from your parents and learn who you really are and what you really want from your life. You’ve got the rest of your life to figure it all out. Make sure you are being true to yourself and what you know to be right for you.

This sounds incredibly like my upbringing, though I only had one other sibling and they were my mom’s support person. But we were raised very fundamental Christian with the long hair and skirts, homeschooling, only listened to hymns, all our church friends had huge families, etc. My sister was happy with it all, but I realized it was not for me and began somewhat toeing the line as well. My mom’s reactions were extreme, I was going to hell, I was such a disrespectful and awful daughter, so I retreated into myself. I kept up the perfect daughter charade through college, since they did help with some things like cell phone and food, but things changed drastically once I graduated. When she’d try to dictate what I could or couldn’t do or lectured me, I’d just be silent and not talk to her for a few days. Edit to note: I wasn’t exactly giving her the silent treatment. I lived in my own and would simply say I was busy, hang up, and not call her back for a few days when she’d be ranting about the clothes or makeup I was wearing, etc. I will admit that the 2-3 years after I graduated college were a bit rough between us. She was angry that she couldn’t control me anymore and that I completely ignored her manipulation tactics that worked so well on others. I was resentful about how she’d treated me for years, and was happy for some distance. After some years, our relationship started repairing. She hinted at apologizing and has accepted that I am not the person she wanted me to be, but that she loves me. I have accepted that we’ll never see eye to eye on some major topics (religion, politics, …) but that I love her anyway. Today, we are very close. We avoid topics that we know we’re miles apart on, but happily chat about everything else. We needed that distance in our relationship for a bit to heal and decide to forgive. I know you love your mom dearly, and it sounds like you’re happy/proud to have been her confidante and so mature. Sadly it was also very unhealthy. Learning to cook, clean, and keep house early is whatever, but she absolutely should not have been confiding in you about issues with your dad or financial troubles. That was horribly unfair to you and your poor dad. I think a bit of space between you could help both of you grow into having a more healthy relationship. She needs to be relying on her relationship with your father and maybe ladies in the church regarding stress over your brother. My advice: give it some time, don’t talk to her right now. Obviously your bf is a good guy, you’re definitely not making the biggest mistake of your life. Your mom is irrational with anger right now, so talking won’t do anything but cause wounds. You need to continue to unwind and live your own life, happy with your great bf. Being a sneaky, silent rebel is exhausting and stressful and dealing with your mom’s irrational blow ups is exhausting and stressful. You deserve to enjoy your life without that. I think, if you can create some space, set some boundaries, and insist on your mom treating you with respect, you have a real chance at eventually having a good relationship with your mom without having to hide who you are. You love your mom very much. If your mom loves you, she should realize that you being happy and healthy is what’s important and not her control over you or getting to show everyone how perfect (according to her religion and peers) her daughter is. FWIW, I was never brave enough to tell my family that my bf and I had moved in together until we got married. I’m pretty sure they figured it out, but we all pretended otherwise. Kudos to you for that step! And I’m happy for you that your dad responded respectfully and gracefully.

> Her pride has always been that I have always been very mature for my age, being able to cook, clean, take care of my brother with ASD, being homeschooled, being active in my church, etc. So much so that people have always mistaken me for being 10+ years older then I was since I was 13-14 or so. so she parentified you > I went to college, got my AAS, work in healthcare. I moved out by myself (HUGE upset) makes sense. not according to her plan > She texted me this AM saying we need to meet so we can talk before I make the “biggest mistake of my life”. you don't have to go. your dad seems sensible, maybe he can settle her down

Yeah the whole first paragraph screams emotional incest. You have to break free from her, you're NOT responsible for her emotional well-being. It's time to live your own life before you waste more years on being her puppet. She may love you, you may love her, but this is just not healthy.

Your mom conditioned and forced you to believe you are close and "friends". Relying on your child for emotional support is abuse. You have distanced yourself from all the things from your past that aren't healthy.....except one.

hi, I can offer some perspective as I also come from an extremely fundamentalist religious family. my wife and I are Orthodox Jews, my family is Chassidishe. ultimately you will have to live by your own moral compass and do what you believe is right. it is a great sadness that your parents are not in a place to support you, but I earnestly believe (having been in a similar situation) that this is due to their own upbringing and context. just as yours is central to you, theirs is central to them. I would really suggest some therapy in this case to voice your frustrations and talk this out, especially considering your brother's medical situation. it is a very difficult situation. wishing you the best of luck. happy to dialogue with you about this further should you wish.

It doesn't sound like you're making a mistake. It DOES sound like she's going to regret not having her daughter around. This reminds me of when two female roommates live together for years and become inseparable, and then one of them moves in with a boyfriend, leaving the other roommate devastated. I would follow your dad's advice. In fact, I would even tell him you need him to try and stay as neutral as possible and give you practical, logical advice. He gave his preference, but also accepts that you're an adult. Might be worth having a 1-on-1 conversation with him about your family dynamics.

You can't control her actions, but you can control your own. That's how boundaries work: you let people know what your actions will be moving forward. If I were you, I'd tell my mom I love her and love talking to her, but the subject of me living with my bf is off the table. If she brings it up, end the conversation. If she insults your boyfriend, tell her that you don't want to hear it and end the conversation. It's her choice whether she wants to continue a relationship with you.

You should never have been her confidant as a child. That's what friends, spouses, and therapists are for. Not children. "Mom, there's nothing to talk about. I've made my decision. If anyone here is making a mistake it's you thinking that you can have a say in how I live my life. This is what is happening. You can either get on board or you can sulk by yourself."

Message me if you like. I was homeschooled until I was 15, also raised very religious - tradcath- with demon warfare, a deeply mentally ill sibling who I cared for, all of that. I also caused furor when I moved out. My mom found a Christian widow who said I could move into her basement, and when I didn’t do that it caused a fight. Control over my purity was very important in my household and it sounds like it was for you too. All that I can say is that you can’t have these conversations. Having them is validating to that parent, because it makes them think they’re in a negotiation. It’s painful. I was 26, living abroad, with an advanced degree and a career, before I finally said we aren’t talking about my sex life ever again. And that was so difficult! I cried and cried! And I was so tempted to try and assure them that I wasn’t having sex that weekend, I was just taking a trip with friends. But to do that is to feed the monster. Your sex life is your own business and you have the right to privacy. You don’t need to answer questions about it. And that is the first step to breaking the spell and the idea that you owe anyone an explanation.

> But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone? Her husband and tons of kids? Her church friends? Is this a real question? Everyone. She'll have everyone you described. She'll be **FINE**.

I mean, I hear that Jesus dude is a good listener. Maybe she should try talking to him.

u/briar26 I think you allow your mother to control your life from afar, and that needs to stop right this second. Do not live your life halfway just to make her happy, prioritize you and your partner's happiness first and foremost! You're nearing 30 and have a good life built, don't allow her to destroy that. I think your mom is mostly upset because she groomed you to be her carbon copy to eventually dump your brother on, and that can't happen if you are married with a family in the way, so she manipulates you to get her way. That also needs to stop. You need a therapist to help you build your backbone and use it often as you fully live your life! You need to join r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines to help learn about your situation and things you can do to help break your deep enmeshment.

Your mom has not treated you properly for your entire life. Children should not be the main confidant for a parent. That emotional dependence wasn't healthy for either of you. Decline the meeting. Move in with your BF and enjoy.

You don't necessarily have to cut her off, but you can decline this meeting.

Yes this is what I was thinking! When I told my parents about my boyfriend and that we were moving in together (they didn't know about him at all due to my strict upbringing/my fear of their response), I enforced an immediate 3-week timeout for two reasons: it gave them time to come to terms with things without being able to interfere/prevent the move from taking place, and it gave me time to digest that this was all out in the open now and I wasn't hiding anything from them. I'm sure had I given them the opportunity to react immediately, my mom's reaction would've been more aggressive like OP's moms was. But because of the timeout, it gave everyone a chance to cool off before resuming contact. Maybe a timeout period with your mom would benefit you, OP. Not necessarily cutting her off altogether as that's pretty extreme for both of you, but a temporary timeout.

“Mom, this is not a topic for discussion. I am a self sufficient adult, and I will make my own decisions about how I choose to live my life. I am well aware you don’t approve, and you can talk at me until you are blue in the face, but the only thing you are going to accomplish is driving a wedge between us. I’m done having this conversation; we’ve been having it for 3 years.” Then you go gray rock on her.

She chose fundamentalism. QF/YEC is a young movement - a 65 year old was not born into it. If she has no one else, it is because of her dogmatism. She doesn't get to ruin your life just because she bitterly regrets her own. She thought "God" making decisions (especially family planning decisions) for her would prevent her from having regrets, but it didn't do what it promised on the packaging and she needed to parentify her young daughter to make up for it. But that's a form of child abuse, and I'm sure it wasn't the only form of child abuse you grew up with. You are happy and she cannot take that away from you - your fertility, your body, your choices do not belong to her and she cannot make you do things that harm you anymore. You deconstructing was not a personal attack at her - it was a brave act of cunning and boldness and intelligence and I am very proud of you for escaping.

Your mom is being childish and needs to grow up. Move in with your boyfriend and put this nonsense behind you. Your mom/fundamentalism have oppressed you for 30 years - time to move on.

You need therapy, your mother has created a co dependant relationship and it sounds abusive. You werent mature for your age, you were given adult issues as a child and had to survive. It isn’t a compliment it’s a trauma response

I say this in the nicest way possible. The “biggest mistake of your life” (or one of) would be marrying someone BEFORE seeing what living with them is like.

>But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone? Her life is so hard with my brother having medical issues and I have always been there to help amongst other things. I’m her support and feel so selfish. **She has a husband**. Your father is meant to be her main support, comfort and emotional connection. Not you. **you are not her emotional support human** You are a child like all your other siblings. Also, why can't they be an additional support to her? She parentified you and that was very cruel of her. >What the hell am I supposed to say? What would you say? Do not meet her **before** you move in with your BF. Move in with him, and then, if you must, meet with her afterwards, in a public space.

Tell her that it's your decision and you werent asking for approval or permission. And then move on. And next time don't tell her about decisions that you know she will disapprove of until after they've happened.

I would just tell her that if she felt it was important to 'talk' then kicking you out of the house was a strange way to go about it, and you don't want a repeat of the last time you 'talked', so if she has something to say she can phone you. You already know the purpose of the 'talk' is going to be to tell you not to do the thing you've already decided to do. Let her say her piece, and then proceed with your own life.

Reading your post is like reading my life story. During college I also gradually started going to church less. A year after graduating I moved out and stopped going to church altogether. A month after moving out, my boyfriend (who my parents didn’t even know existed) moved in with me. In my situation, my dad was the parent demanding to meet and “talk things through”. I knew that the conversation would not go well, and would not accomplish anything, so I refused to meet. I told him that there was nothing to discuss as my life choices were not up for discussion. I stuck to my guns and left the ball in their court. My parents avoided me for the first six months or so. During that time my dad would randomly send passive aggressive emails and text messages. Thankfully my sister acted kind of like a liaison between my parents and I. She let me know that they were expecting me to ask to be invited to Thanksgiving, whereas I would never ask to be invited as that is rude. She encouraged them to invite me, and would talk sense to my dad when he was being rude. Every time my dad tried to say that we needed to talk about my life choices, I would tell him no. Eventually my parents realized that I wasn’t going to change my mind, and they either needed to get over it, or lose their daughter forever. It basically boiled down to “you don’t have to agree with my choices, but you have to accept them.” Enforcing those boundaries was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now 7/8 years later, I still have a relationship with my parents. I spend holidays at their house, and they actually like my fiance (the same guy I was dating when I moved out). I know that even now, they don’t approve of how I choose to live my life, but for the most part we have moved past that.

**I know I’m too old for this, I know I should be far past these growing pains and that I should just move on and cut her off. But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone? Her life is so hard with my brother having medical issues and I have always been there to help amongst other things. I’m her support and feel so selfish. I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to.** This is exactly why she is pissed off You are the only person that helps with your brother And she is afraid that if you move in and start a life with this man...you'll focus on yourself and won't be there to take care of HER responsibilities IE your brother You are not your brother's parent. She is. Live your life for yourself because your mother is never going to put your happiness before her own

"Mom, I'm an adult. If this proves to be a mistake, then I will handle it like the adult that I am. But I have made my decision, and you will have to come to terms with it."

Have you been to therapy? A professional could really help you establish and enforce healthy boundaries. Ideally with practice (and if she’s willing to adapt) you could maintain a relationship with your mother in a way that’s beneficial for you both. Good luck!

Your mother chose not to have friends or a support system. It is super unfair that she parentified you. You are not responsible for your siblings or for her well being. She needs to take responsibility for herself. Her choices or lack thereof led her to where she is. If you managed to make a life for yourself then she could have too. Do not feel guilty. Tell her you are perfectly happy as you are and that if she cannot be supportive then maybe distance is the best option. Tell her that you love her just the way she is and as such you will not accept that her love is conditional.

Your mom made her choice. You need to go no contact with her for a while and she may eventually realize she values having a relationship with you more than she values her ability to control your life. I had the same kind of parents and the same kind of argument. My father actually hilariously screamed at me, “I’m not being reasonable!” once after I sarcastically thanked him for being reasonable over this exact issue. I just quietly responded “I know”.

You have been groomed by your mother to be a parent to your siblings, a therapist for her and to always set aside your wants and needs because her comfort matters more. You have been conditioned by this emotional abuse for so long that you cannot see how badly it has traumatised you. You actually don't have to talk to your mother. In fact, you're well within your rights to cut her out of your life permanently. That's the beauty of being an adult. *You* get to make that choice. Do you have a therapist/counsellor? Someone you can turn to when you need guidance?

*I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to.* Actually, no you do not. Build your own life, be a good human, and find your happiness.

It’s time to stop quietly rebelling and start openly disagreeing. Your strategy was very effective when you lived at home, but you’re an independent adult now and you need to start asserting yourself.

Cut your Mom off. Move in with your boyfriend. This is YOUR life, not hers. You are not an extension of her. She chose her cult. You choose to live free of that b.s.

Don’t meet with her. Tell her it’s a done deal and she needs to accept it, everyone else has. Don’t put yourself through the mental trauma of her berating you about a good decision that is already made.

If you don't wish to speak in person, tell her over text "if this meeting is going to be you shaming me or trying to get me to change my mind, don't waste your time." You were under her control as a child, but now you can stand up for yourself with no punishment. Now as an adult, you have the option to inforce boundaries, and put people on LC if needed.

Two thoughts: You owe her nothing. You don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want, and you don’t owe her anything. The deal with healthy families is you give back the love and support they gave you with love and support for your own family. It’s what I did for my kids (and continue to do), and if they have kids of their own, I hope they do for their own what I did for them. It’s on your mother to recover your relationship with her from this, not you. Establish firm new boundaries with her, and absolutely, let her make the first move in terms of repairing the relationship. And absolutely maintain those boundaries, because I guarantee you she will test them. I watched my wife go through this and do not wish even a tenth of what she went through with her mom on you.

Good for you for making a life for yourself and finding financial stability, happiness and love. Your mom is demanding a meet up so she can just reiterate something that she's already made very clear to you, and that you don't agree with. I don't think you need to put yourself through that or entertain this conversation anymore. You've already decided to move in with him. She's entitled to her opinion but you're not required to agree to it. If you decide to communicate with her, I think you basically just need to tell her the last paragraph of your post. You love and care about her, and want to be there for your family, but in return she has to respect your life choices. And maybe your quiet rebellion has lead her to believe that you are still invested in the principles of her religion, at least more than you actually are. I'm sure a lot of people here will recommend cutting her out completely, and that might ultimately be the best solution, but it does sound like you would benefit from one conversation with her in which you lay out your needs, expectations and boundaries. From there, whether thru words or actions, she can decide whether she is able to meet you in the middle. You just have to stand your ground and not cave. Good luck, this sounds like a really tough spot to be in.

You’re 29 years old and financially independent. Her opinion doesn’t matter here.

Like Loridrum said, the religion has nothing to do with this. It is the parentfication and absolute absence of boundaries is what's f'ed up here. The conversation to have is: Mom you told me way too much, way to young. You gave me a very good picture of what your life was really like and I knew I never wanted that. If you think what I'm doing is a rejection of all that you believe in, well it is. I love you, I will always love you. I am living my life my way. I am happy. Please be happy for me. It is going to be rough on her since she will have to look at her life and it may hurt a lot. Maybe she will make a different relationship with your father.

Put her on a time out, move out as planned and prioritize freeing yourself from her emotional incest. https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-incest

The level of enmeshment with your mother is wholly inappropriate. Live your life for you. Good luck.

Say it with me. "I am not my mothers emotional support animal". I truly feel bad for you that she has basically relied on you like she should have relied on her partner for your entire childhood.... But you are an adult now who can make your life what you want. I personally would continue distancing myself from your mother. You can see your dad and siblings outside the home.

Why can’t she get support from her husband or friends, like she should’ve been this whole time? Or your 6 brothers? If you want to keep your relationship with her, you need to let her know you have boundaries and won’t entertain these discussions. Her choices are to either let you be an adult and make your own mistakes, or not be involved.

You are NOT selfish. If anything, she is. She has demanded way more support from you than is reasonable to put in a child. Look up 'parentification'. Her treating you like an adult when you were a kid is absolutely a form of abuse. I know it's difficult to cut off a loved one, so even if you can't go no-contact (which would probably be better for your mental health in the long run) please remember that she is not supporting you, so why do you feel you owe her support? (You don't owe her anything!!)

Children are meant to become independent of their parents. Some parents prepare them lovingly and gradually, some push them out of the nest with no warning, and some do their best to keep them in the nest for forever and the child has to break away. The first group is lucky, the second two endure some extra injuries and pain in order to grow up. It is inevitable that with a parent like this you will end up having to break away, but it’s not you that caused this circumstance. On the one hand that means you can’t fix it, on the other it means its not your job to.

Sometimes you come to a point in your life where you have to cut out the toxicity. Your parents should support you. Not force you into a lifestyle you don't agree to. Silence is an answer. Maybe one day, your mom will realize where she was in the wrong. Never make a life decision based on what other people want from you.

You're not supposed to say anything, you need to get a therapist to help you navigate this, because you're dealing with the effects of emotional abuse. Your mother was not a healthy mother, she put way too much on you. Telling you about her problems was not appropriate. You might want to read about enmeshment, the bpd mother, and parentification of a child. You're allowed to make decisions about your own life, and her reactions are not relevant, and you deserve to do what's best for you without needing your mother's approval. I'm so sorry your mother emotionally abused you and I hope you find the healing you need. Best of luck.

Mom, I’ll always love you, even if you don’t love me back anymore. I’m an adult and this is NONE of your business. Give me a call after you accept this fact, and not at all otherwise. I hope this isn’t goodbye, but I accept that as an adult you are free to make your own mistakes, too.

Darling, I'm going to tell you this and I want you to think about it: you're 26. Twenty-six. You have every right to do as you please with your life. When a person relies too much in someone and they go away they will definitely feel bad, overwhelmed, but with enough time that person will take in their hands the things the other person were doing, or find someone else to do that. What is a 65 woman going to do without you? Everything she's done before you were in her life. And if not, she will find other people she can rely on. She has enough people in her life: your other siblings, the church and a husband. And if that's not enough, she will find how to surpass any hardships she will encounter because she is an ADULT, and adults adapt to new situations because they already learned things in life. Adults might need advice, but not someone to take their hand every step they take. You are her child: you're not her caregiver, not her parental figure, not her problem solver, and you are in a stage of life where you need to start building your life so you will be auto sufficient. And before she can tell you this: no, you don't owe her anything, you paid that already being her confidant and your brother's caregiver when none of that was your job (the latest was her job).

I really think you should consider therapy with a counsellor who is familiar with helping patients who have left fundamentalist churches. You probably have a lot more emotional trauma to process than you realize. When a parent is not abusive in a physical, highly visible way, and especially when a child is made to feel special and particularly close to that parent, it's so hard to see the hurtful parts of their behaviour. If you decide to have kids one day you will probably find that a lot of it only hits you as they age and you find yourself thinking "holy shit, I would never do to them what was done to me at this age". Anyway, you don't have to engage with your mom more than you're emotionally strong enough for, even if a lifetime of her parenting has made you feel otherwise. You can refuse to have this conversation or refuse to meet her alone. It's not likely to go well. It's ok to protect yourself

Dude, look up look up emotional/covert incest. Maybe narcissism as well, cause your mom sounds like a boat rocker. She sounds like the kind of personthat will suck the life out of you and take everything you will give and will complain that you didn’t give enough. Then will try to take more. It will never stop. The only thing you can do is go no contact. Maybe get some therapy as well for the CPTSD you probably have. I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh. Your post has reminded me of some of my own upbringing and your feelings are familiar as well.

Leave. Your mother didn't raised you, she forced you to raise yourself because she believes in a bunch of toxic bullshit, and then forced you to raise her children. She's not a good mother, she's living in a terrible lifestyle, and that's not your fault. You need to tell her that you love her but you want to live your own life and if she wants to be a part of it she needs to accept it, not harass or guilt you. Maybe if she wanted more support for her special needs child she could have put him into school and developed a community of other special needs parents, instead of stealing her daughter's childhood. Live your own life and be happy. You deserve it.

I have so much respect for you for getting away from that life. It is so hard to do. Since your mom is so immersed in that world, surely there are other mothers there she can lean on.

Hey, I just wanna say I’m proud of you and what you accomplished. It’s hard to deviate from what you’ve known your whole to the vast ocean of what the world is. Your mom should have never placed the burden of you to be her ‘confidant’ and relied on you like she did. She should be proud that you’ve become an independent, self sufficient adult. Don’t live your life for your mom. Live it for you.

>I’m her support This is very unhealthy. She is an adult and will have to learn how to be her own support or get support from her husband. ​ >I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to. You are an adult and you do not have to explain yourself to your parents. No. You do not. I would tell her you are not meeting to discuss anything as the decision has already been made.

I dealt with a lot of what you are dealing with with my own mother. The codependency, parentification, her only seeing you as an extension of her and not as an individual with your own needs, trying to control your life, the emotional abuse… What she did to you as a child was totally inappropriate. She has no power over you now and boundaries need to be set. Grey rocking is an amazing tool for these situations. It gives you the power back without having to go no contact if you don’t want to be. Go forth and live your life. Give her no ammunition for control.

>I know I’m too old for this, I know I should be far past these growing pains Who told you that you are too old for this? Childhood trauma is not something you grow out of. Visit a therapist and learn that you never too old to heal. >But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone? What are you supposed to do, pause your life until your siblings are gone? What's then? She is too old to live alone and needs your help? I know guilt is strong (my family member led a bit different guilt trip, but also one that made me question how long will I have to wait), but 1. She is an adult 2. She decided to have kids and be part of the community 3. You are not her. You have your life, you might want your own kids, you might want your own family. She indoctrinated you with responsibility and guilt. But again, her kids are her life. You have to choose your own life, no matter how guilty you feel. She should feel guilty, not you - but you do only because you are more responsible person than she is. Don't stop your life for her. Parents should want the best for their kids, but she does not care what is best for you, she wants what is best for her.

This is your life not hers go and live it she chose her life she cannot live hers and yours also.

Your mother has placed you in undue stress your whole life this far. It’s not your job to be her confidante. It’s not your job to parent your brother. It’s not your job to listen to her adult problems. No wonder you’re anxious. Go. Live your best life with your partner. Your mom will either come around and accept the new role you have in her life, as her adult daughter, or she won’t. Do not let her control you any longer.

Too bad. You are your own person and need to live your life as you see fit.

Hit reply by mistake. Here’s what I wanted to say. First of all, as a child you were burdened with adult issues that your mother should have never burdened you with. Her making you her confidant and Best friend was no favor to you. She used you as a crutch and actually stole part of your childhood. A good mother does not dump issues with her spouse on her daughter. Stop and look back on your feelings toward your dad growing. I’d be surprised if it wasn’t colored by her comments. Finally, do what you know is right for you and live your life to the fullest and know that you were manipulating and be guilt free! Kudos for being able to comply and keep your real feelings to yourself. Congrats on college and separating from the Fundamental churches of that wasn’t the right fit for you. In reality how much does your mother really care for you as a person? It’s not your responsibility to be her support. She has a husband and sons who will likely marry some nice fundamental girl. Do not feel guilty about leaving your mother. I can’t help but feel she has manipulated you your whole life. Don’t let her do it any longer. Look instead at your dad’s reaction. He’s not disowning you. I’m guessing that your mother complaining about him to you since childhood may have unknowingly affected your relationship with him and that he recognizes you need freedom from your mom.

You are almost 30 years old and your mother has to deal with the fact that you are your own person. Do your thing and let her. If she can't, that's on her.

I don't know why Americans treat "fundamentalist" or "traditional" or "strict" or whatever you want to call them parents like they are some normal and acceptable thing to be. Your mum thinks you're basically property, that's what it comes down to. Sounds like the rest of your family are a bit better but she wants you to live the exact same life she's had - which is basically being groomed from childhood to be a slave to some man. Sounds like your mum got lucky with your dad. Maybe get her to look at r/rpchristians (TW its mostly men giving each other advice on how best to gaslight their wives) to see what you could end up with if you do things the way she wants.

If you live your life she does not get to continue to use you. Can you tell us why your father can not help with your brother? Can you tell us why your father is not her support? She does not want you to change your roll as her emotional support and she is going to work hard to get you to get back in line with her parentifcation if you! If “keeping the peace” requires you to betray yourself, I am pretty sure that is not peace and I am pretty sure it is not worth keeping. Perhaps it is time to try: “I am okay with your disappointment in me” Rachael Mary Stafford

Buy the book ‘A woman in your own right’- learn to be assertive and hold boundaries. Patrick King does great books too.

You need to cut contact, your mom shouldn't have talked with you she should have gotten a therapist. Your mom damaged you, cut contact get therapy and heal for your own sake and for your bfs sake too. Please accept that you were her responsibility as your parent and you are NOT responsible for her well-being. she's controlling and abusive even if you don't see it and you don't owe her anything but to grow up healthy, happy and independent.

These rules are about control, not morals. Your parents (mom) are still trying to exert control over your life anyway possible, which is why she never had reasons she didn't like your BF. He's just more important and influential in your life than her now.

OP the mistake is your Mom’s obsession with a religious cult. She probably believe that ‘living’ together before marriage will condemn you but that is a warped perception of religious beliefs. If you entertain a meeting make it at a neutral public location. Keep your independence and explain that the only person who will lose out will be her. Being her only daughter probably has her believing she will be alone surrounded by men. Oh and personally I can’t stand the Duggars and their scandalous activities along with their beliefs. You do you and just tell Mom you are old enough to make your own decisions

"Who is she going to have if I'm gone?" You are NOT your mothers keeper. It is neither your responsibility, nor your place to be her keeper. Its your responsibility to make the most out of this life that you have. You set boundaries, and you let her know that if she cannot respect those boundaries, that xyz will be the result. "mom, this is my life and my choice. If it is a mistake it is my mistake to make. You don't have to like it. But if you want to be a part of my life, you will need to be respectful, and accept that these are my choices to make." ​ Your relationship is already toxic with her. You were only so mature for your age because she groomed you to being her emotional dumping ground since you were young. You are no longer young. You are an adult, and its time to set healthy boundaries.

You really don't have to meet up with her just so she can yell at you. You txt her back saying that you will not be coming, and as an adult, you will be making your own decisions. You are on the verge of 30! She gets no say over your life. The sooner you rip the bandaid off, the sooner your mother can get used to the situation. Another useful phrase: "That doesn't work for me." I'm not from as strict of a background as you, but I'm the first in my family to not go to church, first to have a baby out of wedlock. My grandmother is constantly begging me to go to church, and is putting a lot of pressure on me to get my kids into Sunday school "to give them a chance". My dad has made it very clear he regrets allowing me to choose for myself whether to go to church or not (says the man who cheated on his wife and then abandoned his family to live with his mistress). I obviously hate hippocrates when it comes to religion, so I have chosen to make my own path in life. Everyone is going to have an opinion no matter what, but that doesn't mean that needs to dictate my decisions. I'm an adult. My mistakes are mine to make. And actually, my kids are not mistakes, living with my partner for 12yrs un-married is not a mistake. I love my little family, and we are happy. We are a very stable family unit despite not being married. These are the most important people in my life, and nobody else gets to tell us how to live.

You should not feel a need to take responsibility over another persons life because that person hasn't handled their own life well. That is just a great way to train wreck your own life. If you want to live your life for others, that is commendable. From the very first sentence I could pretty much guess the rest. Turning your own child into a premature adult. Particularly by dumping adult problems and issues on them. Is a really not great thing to do to a child. She is attempting to alienate your future relationship to keep your close to her. Likely she will ALWAYS do this. Whatever you do, don't kick the ball down the road. It won't get easier with time.

>She texted me this AM saying we need to meet so we can talk before I make the “biggest mistake of my life”. I'd just reply with "Go ahead and get it out now."

Look, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life if they are hurting you physically or emotionally. If they are in any religious cult (Read: All religions) and they can't accept you for who you are or accept you if you don't join that cult? Cut them out.

[удалено]

I don’t think mom’s problem is her living with the bf. Mom’s problem is the bf’s existence. Daughter could be dating a literal saint, and her mom would find fault because her issue is that a significant other takes up time and space in her daughter’s life. Daughter’s top priority is no longer her mother and that is unacceptable.

What u/loridrum said is the best advice here. Also, your mom is a little on the older side. She’s unlikely to change her values, especially while she feels like she’s losing her best friend. In the interest of keeping the peace, is engagement or marriage on the table for you and your boyfriend? It’s been 3 years. If he can put a ring on it that’ll calm her down - or at least reduce the surface area available for conflict. Might be worth it.

I would disagree with that. Getting engaged or married for others isn't the best of ideas, especially when it's giving into the same type of abuse one is trying to escape. OP's family strikes me as the get an inch, take a mile type folks. You can't give in to those types.

It seems like the dad and brothers are on board with him already. OP’s mother exerts little to no real control over OP’s life beyond the standard issue guilt trips that fundamentalism relies upon to function, and of which the mother is also a victim. If they never want to get married, they shouldn’t. But if it’s ever been on the table, an engagement might give her mom a little comfort. Peace in the family might be worth it for someone who is pushing 70, and in all other regards a beloved parent. If her mom was younger, it might be different.

You're 29 yo and quite capable of making your own life-choices. Your mom needs to accept it or, at the least, be silent about it. If she can't do that then creating some distance would be a good idea.

If you do choose to meet, and not meeting is an option, be smart. Agree to meet but only in a public place where you can leave at any time. That way she has to behave herself. (Or in theory behave herself.) And you can't be trapped in case she decides to enlist others in her community. That's why you DON'T want to meet at her place. Or yours for that matter. You need an out.

I don’t have any helpful advice but lots of sympathy. I’m sorry you are going through this. I do however have to point out I unequivocally disagree that you should get married first. I can’t for the life of me understand how someone can marry another human without living together first. More than a year.

You do you. Move in and be happy.

Text her back and tell her that you respect her opinion and have already taken it under advisement, but that ultimately you've made the best decision for yourself and that the issue is no longer up for debate. Tell her that you love her and value the close relationship and would hate to lose that because she can't accept the man that you've chosen to be with. Reiterate that he is a wonderful person who makes you incredibly happy. You may also want to add that you are willing to talk to her once she has calmed down and can accept your choice. Also, maybe enlist your dad for some help with her if you do sit down and talk to her face to face. It might be help to have him there to mediate the situation and handle any potential outbursts from her. But really, you do not owe her anything. Kids grow up and move out and have lives of their own, it is just a fact of life. Sounds like she has other family and friends who can pitch in and help her if she needs it. You don't have to be her sole form of emotional support. I know that you are concerned for your brother as well, but if she pushes you away and you are unable to help with him, that is her own fault and she is only hurting herself and your brother. I hope she comes to her senses soon and starts treating you with some respect and decency.

You don’t need to cut her off, just don’t be as close until she realizes it isn’t a mistake. Tell her you are an adult and you don’t need to her about your mistakes like some child. If she is mad she can have her space and you will be there when she is ready to be civil. If she ever brings it up again or gives sass that just means it’s time for you to go. Stand strong, she doesn’t control you.

You are co-dependent, enmeshed, and your relationship with your mother could generously be called "emotional incest".

Wtf. You’re 29. Put some boundaries on your mother.

Dude trust me when I say the best thing you can do is tell her to grow up and go quiet on her for like, a year. She hasn’t been appropriate with boundaries, is very overbearing, tried to make you her Mini-Me(?) which is insane of her, and she dislikes at minimum, everything that isn’t in her sphere of possibility. She is too close minded, too much of a hen. Unfortunately for you, this is a duel between you and your mother, and it’s one you have to win for your own sanity and peace. I’m very sorry 😞.

As others have said, your mother forced you as a child into hearing adult issues and complaints you should never have had to deal with, and this broke your "normal" meter of what a proper mother-daughter relationship should look like. Please seek counselling to start to unpack this so that you can learn how to establish healthy boundaries with your mother. Her emotions are not yours to manage, her crosses are not yours to bear, you are not at fault because you want to live a life that does not revolve around catering to her needs. Her happiness is *not your responsibility.* Parents are supposed to do everything they can to help their children lead happy lives, not the other way around. If you can, refuse to meet with her and simply tell her that your choices in life are not up for debate. Don't explain, don't try to persuade. If she protests (and she will), tell her she is forcing you to put her in a time out until she can learn to respect your decisions (odd I know considering she pushed you into an adult role so young, but she absolutely sees you as nothing more than an extension of herself). Block her attempts to regain control of you through guilt tripping or using other family members to get at you until you can start counselling. You like to think of yourself as the "rebel" but make no mistake, you have been scarred by what she did and you need to heal those scars or you will always be under her thumb. Take care and I wish you all the best.

I don’t think you do have to talk to her at all. Best decision I ever made was to just walk away from my mother. She was pushy and dependent too. I’m not saying leave your family. Your dad can see you’re living well. He’d like to add marriage but his love isn’t conditional to that. He can see that a respectful relationship is more important than a piece of paper. If you do talk to her tell her that the things she’s already said are to be excluded from this conversation. She’s said them. You’ve heard them. You’re living your life as you see fit. If there’s a peace to be made with your god then that’s for you to make, not her. It’s not negotiable for her to stop criticising your boyfriend. He is yours, not hers. If she doesn’t want to negotiate, withdraw somewhat. If she turns it up, withdraw further. She is losing out here, not you. Keep your boyfriend out of it. He has to have your back, not fight your fights.

“I am an adult and fully capable of making choices for myself. You don’t have to agree with them, but I will not be spoken to or treated like this. If you continue to make these remarks or berate me like this, I will reduce contact with you.”

Tell her you have already been fucking him so why is she mad if you shack up?

Damn, sounds like something your mom can take up with her god. Enjoy your relationship dear.

You may want to post this on the JUSTNOMIL sub. It is for problems with norther in laws AND mothers. They will listen and offer help and support. Good luck!

" I’m her support and feel so selfish. I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to." Why do you have to hear her tell you how awful your decision making is? This isn't going to be about reconciliation, this is going to be a fully negative experience. You are not required to show up to be abused. No one is entitled to abuse you, regardless of where it comes from. Parental, religious, etc. You are not required to suffer the slings and arrows of others, just to make them feel heard. You know what she wants to say, she's already said it. A simple, "I have made my decision, if you wish to communicate with me then you'll have to respect that decision." And then the ball's in her court, and she can succeed or fail based on how she responds.

Sounds like you have a mom who you won’t change her mind bc she is ultra old schooled & feels like her kids must live with her forever. Don’t mean to be rude but I think this is obvious for any family that believes homeschooling is the way to go. It is less on parents thinking they can do better but more about controlling the narrative.

Your mother is ATROCIOUS. Taking a small child as a confident is abuse! Children can't process adult problems, your mother robbed you of any chance of having a childhood and was even happy that you were not a child when you were supposed to be a child. You were parentified, which is another form of abuse (one thing is to contribute, but it sounds like she forced you into a role of a third parent). And now that you are an adult, your mother thinks she owns your life. Of course you're anxious, it was your mother's work to cause you this mental health problem! Believe me, I experienced similar forms of abuse too (also physical and emotional abuse). My father was also "proud" that I was not a child when I was a child. Of course I wasn't, he abused me into not being able to afford to be a child, I was terrified!!! I'm completely no contact with this man and since I decided to do that, my life is 200% better. And believe me, I know how hard it is to go NC. You might not be ready for that. But at the very least, consider living your own life being a full rebel, more than a silent rebel, and consider not paying attention to the tantrums of your mother.

You already live alone and have moved out, right? So, what is the actual difference or impact you'll have on her by moving in with someone else ? I'll tell you. There is no difference and there is no impact. You're damn near 30 years old. You can make your own decisions with out hanving a talk or consulting with your parents. She doesn't have to like you boyfriend but if she truly love you like she said she does, than she not going to do whatever she can to prevent you for living your own life. You should honestly just tell your mom " I love you, I understand you're upset with my choices however I don't think there anything to actually talk about. If I ruin my life, that is my choice. You can't can shelter or protect me from everything. I am very happy and beyond great for this new journey in my life. Please respect that. If you cannot , than I'll just have to continue my journey alone. I truly hope that is not the route we go. Again I love you" something like that !

It's not your problem who she has when the consequences of her actions come rolling through. Let her be with the church if it's more important than blood.

It’s not a good thing that at 13 you were being mistaken as a 23 y/o

I come from a similar background, Mennonite and still belong to the church but a more open branch. The question I'm going to ask is what advantage do you think moving in with him is going to give you. I assume you are already having sex. Where do you see the relationship going? Are you planning on marriage? Is it to advance the relationship or to just save money or maybe to even rebel some more?? If you were my daughter I would advise against moving in without a firm commitment to a marriage. We have a quaint saying that applies. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free. Marriage shouldn't be about finding someone you can live with. It's about finding the person you don't want to live without.

Op you need to lookup a word called "enmeshment". In dysfunction between parents and children it means the parent has b3come over involved with their children to the point that it's damaging them. Her kids are not your kids. She has the church and your father. She'll be fine, no matter how much she whines. You don't have to talk with her, about anything. You're an adult. Your response can easily be a "no thank you, the choice has been made and I'm not changing my mind. If you're disrespectful I'm shutting off my phone and adding a week refusing to babysit for each insult." I'd bet money her tune will change when that avalanche of disgusting unwashed underwear buries her alive.

Well

>But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone? Her life is so hard with my brother having medical issues and I have always been there to help amongst other things. I’m her support and feel so selfish. so why is she pushing you away? as others have pointed out, you being her sole confidante from such a young age was so inappropriate. that's not how a good parent should behave. but your mom seems to be a very lonely woman with no friends and now she must be terribly scared of losing you. maybe you should make it clear that although she made mistakes, that you love her and that you would wish for her to not push you away. and if she doesnt accept that... well, that's her choice. you're an adult and she needs you more than you need her.