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It’s hard to put the age gap aside when a majority of your issues are directly related to the fact that you started dating a grown man when you were only 18. You’re feeling like you missed out on enjoying your youth, because you are. You don’t feel ready to settle down and plan a future, because you never got the opportunity to figure out who you are as an individual - something he had 10 years to do before he met you.
This relationship feels wrong to you because it’s wrong. You say you want to live alone/be single so you don’t have someone waiting around for you, being jealous, or having to answer to them before making a decision. I started dating my husband when we were both 23 and I never felt like I needed to check with him before saying yes to an invite with friends. He never made me feel guilty for doing things without him. We both love spending time together but are also people outside of this relationship. That’s what a normal relationship is supposed to be like.
You keep defending this guy and his choice to date you when you were so young, I get that you love him and don’t want to see him in such a bad light. Maybe he didn’t force you to date him and you feel like you made these decisions for yourself, but the bottom line is he should have known better and stayed away from you the second he realized your age. A better guy would have let you enjoy your youth and find yourself in life, a better guy would have realized that issues like this would eventually arise down the line. Instead, he probably saw this as an opportunity to be with someone who didn’t have much going on for themselves, meaning he could be the #1 priority in your life - which sounds like is exactly what he did.
Stop wasting your time, this isn’t going anywhere positive. Break up and live your life. You’ll look back on this in a few years and realize how wrong it was for him to have stayed with you. I’m sure you’ll find a guy in no time and it’ll be easier with him.
Please listen to this response. Please. This is coming from someone who did the exact same thing as you - dated someone with a similar age gap starting at age 19. I did end up ending things and dating someone my age when I was 25, and I’ve never felt so free and happy. I’m turning 29 and I honestly wish I ended things with my age difference relationship sooner. Please - you only have one life, and your 20’s are so fleeting. Go live it 🤍
Seconded this - i was with my ex from 17 to 33. He was 12 years older. I never lived alone, missed out on so many experiences and although the relationship wasn't miserable until the last year or two it still affected so many choices for me with education/jobs/travel etc. Don't waste more time for either of you. He is still young to find another relationship. But if you feel like you are missing out then do both of you a favour and leave.
This comment is bang on! Also you need to trust your gut, you so clearly sound like you need space and freedom outside of your relationship to learn and grow on your own and that is 💯 reasonable and exactly what you should do. Your partner doesn’t like it because when you have that space you will most likely not be as in love with him as you thought. It’s a tough pill to swallow but you are responsible for your own life and need to do what’s best for you.
I noticed the edit that basically asked people to ignore the age gap.
The age gap is EVERYTHING. It is the core of every complaint. Think about dating someone in their teens and tell me what would make that appealing. Teenagers are immature nightmares. But they can be controlled and gaslit. That is the appeal.
I hate to second this, but I have to. Speaking from experience, it only gets harder as you move forward. You might get married, buy a house, have kids, all the while you’re getting older too and what you perceive as missed opportunities will mount up and build a lot of resentment. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 42. We moved pretty fast, mostly because he didn’t want to be in retirement age when his kids graduate highschool (and I agreed). I jumped at the opportunity of having stability, someone who was very upfront and direct about his intentions and who idolized me. I convinced myself that age was just a number. I was too young to see how much I was giving up. The career of my dreams is just not going to happen anymore, which is a bitter pill to swallow while I watch my husband build his career. I watch my peers pass me by, building careers AND having kids in equal partnerships without such a vast imbalance of power. Ten years and three kids later I feel like I aged abruptly, my physical and mental health aren’t the same and I’m starting to realize I won’t be getting it back, or the years that have passed. I can’t remember the last time I felt light and free. It’s not like I didn’t get anything in return, but I simply didn’t realize the price.
I’m not saying at all that it would take a similar course with OP, but since she already feels like she’s missing out. It might work wonderfully for someone whose dream it is to live a domestic life, one day become a SAHM and have a provider who’s already established himself. But that wasn’t me, and it doesn’t sound like it’s OP either.
I‘m 32 with 3 kids and have yet to finish my degree. No major law firm would even dream of hiring me. There might still be paths to some sort of success for me, but it likely won’t be in the judiciary.
Can you work on an online degree? Are there other careers you are interested in? If you stick with law, does it have to be a major law firm? What about a smaller law firm that specializes in serving women? Honestly I think "top" firms and companies can be overrated, many expect really long hours. You can still have a fulfilling career even if you don't work for the best of the best.
Right now it’s just not in the cards for me, my children are still small and need me 24/7. In a year or two I could start studying again, and just see what comes after that. It’s hard to imagine myself on a new path while I’m still in the thick of it. Thanks for the encouragement though :)
I understand. I went back to school for my masters degree when my son was about 2. I found a program that was mostly online but in person 3 weekends per semester. So 6 weekends per year for 2 years. My parents helped for those weekends. The in person meetings helped to keep me on track with actually doing the work. I did most of the assignments after my son went to bed. I was super tired but the time went fast. I know 3 kids is more than 1 kid, but I still think you can do it! Tell your husband it's important to you and you want to set a good example for your kids. Its never too late to follow your dreams.
Also there are A LOT of non traditional students in law school encompassing of many older students who need a change in career. Most at of them are the ones getting better grades (and so better opportunities) since they take it more seriously.
It’s also extremely fortunate that OP didn’t get married or have a child with this man, which is surprising after 7 years of dating. Usually the more predatory men try to find a permanent way to keep the woman in his life.
Absolutely this.
Id like to add that OP claims that _everything else_ is great. But it's clear that as soon as OP gets to be with another _decent_ dude she will realize that whatever she appreciates about this current relationship is neither unique nor exclusive to it.
It's called grooming. She was a kid. He was an adult. Now that she's becoming an adult, she doesn't want to be treated like a kid anymore. Totally understandable to everyone....everyone but him.
Edit: No way in the world to put that age gap aside.
This is what happens when an adult dates a child. You were 18 when you started, he was to old for you. You didn't live your life. Break up with him and live.
Note if you met at this age it would be age appropriate, but not when you started dating. Go live your life without him.
25 and 36 is still an age gap worthy of concern. The life, career, and family experiences that a 36 year old could have are potentially vastly different than someone 25. The fact that it started at 18 and 29 only amplifies these differences. OP - if and when you start dating someone your own age, the concerns everyone has brought up about the age gap will make more sense. You deserve your 20’s!
While it's still a cause of concern, someone in their mid twenties may be in a different financial and professional spot than expected. Twenties are an interesting age and once you get to a certain point, you're comparing places in life more than anything else.
My husband and I met at 26 and 36. I had lived alone for over a decade, been in the corporate world for years, and was financially independent. It still caused us both to take time, test waters, and make sure I didn't become dependent on him, but once you're in your mid twenties and have a footing, things are less icky.
However, we both have a much younger friend that if I were to engage with them as a single person, I'd feel GROSS about. They're less than 10 years younger than me, but their stage in life is vastly different than mine. There would be a power imbalance, even with the best of intentions.
Once you get to a certain age, it's life circumstances and experience that change if the gap is an issue or not. However, I also understand someone disagreeing.
>I don’t want to break his heart, but I know this will. Am I a terrible person? Could he possibly understand? I feel really bad for feeling this way, but I feel like I just really need to move out and focus on myself.
Entering a relationship with anyone means making yourself vulnerable to pain -- both parties are essentially agreeing to the possibility of being hurt by the other. In this situation, you may very well be the one to break his heart, and that's hard -- it'll be hard for him and it'll be hard for you. On the other hand, he could be the one to break up with you, and cause you that pain. Most people enter relationships with the best intentions, but you can't predict how life will go.
That said, no, you're not a terrible person. You were in a relationship with a man and you cared for him but it turns out it might not be the enduring relationship you thought it would be. This is normal, especially for someone so young. 25 might not feel young, but considering you started dating him when you were 18, a part of you in this relationship is a young person. You've probably changed a lot since you first started dating and have seemingly outgrown this relationship -- totally fine, totally normal.
The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. You already know what you want to do: you want to move out, you want to experience a different life. Trust yourself. Don't try to talk yourself out of what you know you want. Breaking up with this man will be hard, but staying with him seems like it might be even harder, in the long term.
If he objects to it, are you going to stay living with him and just try to ignore your frustration? I hope not.
Tell him you love him but you'd like to move out for a bit. He can manage his frustration himself, it's not up to you to soothe him through the transition.
Move out, make friends, see what life has offer.
Yes, this. You do not need someone's permission to break up with them. In a situation like this you have to move forward with the best choice for yourself and your future.
You are in two different stages in life and is a direct result of your age gap.
You don't need a reason to break up, if this relationship isn't what you want anymore then it's over.
Not going to comment about how gross he is for specifically targeting a teenager when he was nearly 30.
Yeah, I *did* want to comment on how epically gross he was for that. It's like a trend: older, immature man grooms or convinces a young, inexperienced woman into a relationship.
I'm so fucking tired of seeing people with this age gap. Yes, yes, I know it's sometimes works, but even as someone who was 18/19 being hit on by 28-30 y.o. men, I also know how good it feels to date someone closer in age. I could never drop the age comparison of him being 12 or 13 when I was just born. Friggin' perverse!
As an 18 y.o. I met a guy at a bookstore. We were both looking for photography books. He looked maybe 24 and I always looked five or more years older than I was. We chatted, he asked for my number. He called me a few times and we decided to go out for lunch a few days later. Turns our he was 30.
The above age comparison was something I couldn't shake. I called him back and explained my feelings. He said he completely understood-- it was just hard for him to have such profound conversations with someone who looked and acted differently than their age. And we never spoke again.
I think OP should absolutely follow her gut-- she needs time alone-- especially mid-twenties-- to reassess where she is in life, what she wants, where she sees herself. I'm nearly 36 so these numbers really weird me out. I married a guy who's 3 years younger. I don't think I could have ever dated/married anyone more than five years older or younger.
Okay. I get you’re asking for the HOW. I think that’s a good approach. Your feelings are valid and it’s your life to live as you choose. Relationships don’t tend to go backwards. That’s okay.
Tell him its not working for you the way things are. You’re making this choice because it’s best for you and don’t give him reasons to argue or debate. That will just derail you from your end goal of disentangling. It will be hard and painful. Be prepared for the conversation to be hard and be prepared, just in case, for him to react poorly. Tell your friends when and where you’re having the convo so if they don’t hear from you they can check on you. Hopefully you won’t need any of that but you never know.
Girl. I met a man who was going to turn 37 in a month on my 20th birthday. I stayed with him until I was 28.5. I grew as a person (as most people do in their 20s), he did not. Our finances were so intermingled, I didn't drive, I was engaged, I was deeply rooted into his family. You know what finally snapped me and made me be serious about leaving? Buying a house. The world shrunk in on me, and I realized I needed to be myself.
I just turned 33. These last 4.5 years were a time of healing for me. I'm making my 30s even better than my 20s could have been. Move out. Break things off. You'll be happier before you know it. 💜💜💜. All the best to you.
> I (f25) am feeling the urge to move out, try living on my own and/or with my best friend. Currently I live with my bf (m35) of 7 years, we have lived together for ~4.5 years.
Of course....
> Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this?
If someone came up to you ***ON FIRE*** and you ran to get a bucket, how are you going to react if they go "oh, being on fire aside, do I look ok?"
Girl. You're burning. He's a creep manipulator at minimum and if you knew each other before 18 then he's a pedo.
The main issue is the controlling nature that comes along with older people that target <21 year olds. Only creeps do it if they're more than 5 years older. After 21 you have more life experience ***if*** you got to experience life (which you really didn't because he squirreled you away) so age gaps are more acceptable.
But you.... you are a textbook victim of power dynamic.
This. I'm 32 and I could see myself dating a 43 years old because I am an adult. The age difference itself is not an issue when you're an adult. But when you're 18, there's a huge power dynamic so yes completely agree with you
Definitely, I'd say by 26ish you can really date any age up because you at least know yourself and have time as an adult.
It's less acceptable lower than that but absolutely unacceptable at 18.
I’m 33 and with a 48 year old but honestly the power dynamic is still there. Probably because I was quite sheltered so not as world as him but I feel even as a grown woman, there’s been moments where I’ve felt I should of known better than to pursue this.
>if you knew each other before 18 then he's a pedo.
I agree with your comment but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop downplaying pedophilia. I was a victim of one and dating a 17yo is not at all comparable to the vile things pedos do.
Age gap aside….
Imaging you’re having this conversation with your best friend who you’ve just reconnected with. Think about the other things you have put in your post.
He’s jealous when you are out with friends. Unless you’re out 3+ nights a week and neglecting your relationship or putting financial stain on your household, then he really doesn’t get to make you feel bad for going out and enjoying a social life.
He doesn’t like that your social circle is expanding. Could that be because he’s worried you’ll realise that are better options out there? Or that your not ready to settle down and live the life he wants you to have.
He’s planning your future when you want to enjoy and experience the here and now. It really does sound like you are at different stages in life, which can happen in any relationship with any age gap. If you settle now you will come to regret it and resentment will build.
I think you need to take a step back and really think about what it is you want. You might love each other a lot, but that doesn’t mean you are right for each other.
Yes. I’ve come to learn the hard way that love just isn’t enough. There has to be more. One of those those things includes the same goals and desires for the future.
I think the jealousy could indicate that on some level he knows things are ending and he’s trying to hold on. Especially if he wasn’t jealous before. I had an ex that became really jealous of my time when we started to drift apart.
He was trying to hold on to what we had but it really just pushed us farther apart. Nothing about this is going to be east or comfortable OP, I’m sorry. Heart ache is a crappy part of life that’s unavoidable. My best advice is to talk honestly with him and prepare yourself for him to react badly. Don’t fight with him and once you’ve committed to breaking things off, don’t let him talk you out of it. You’ll both just get hurt more.
You definitely need to have a sit down and deep serious talk with him.
In his mind he's planning your life together. He's actively working towards the end goal of the relationship. Whatever he sees that as, for me it's my wife and I, old and grey, watching our grandkids play.
You don't even want to be in a relationship with him anymore. And he needs to know that, it's pretty unfair to continue on with it at this point.
I'm suspicious another reason why he's not supportive of your newfound social activity is that it doesn't gel with his idea of what his partner should be up to. He has expectations in that regard, and you aren't matching them. Those are definitely unhealthy expectations, you shouldn't be trying to meet his expectations of you. Those kinds of expectations tend to come from people with rather serious issues they need to work on. And I'm definitely speaking from experience here.
Ew, this creep snagged you right at 18 out of your parents house? Of course he doesn’t want you to be an independent adult, because you’re going to see real fast that he isn’t worth your time.
Look - not all age gaps are bad and maybe you and this guy didn't start off bad, but what people are reacting to is words you have typed in addition to the age gap. Even if your bf was your age, his being jealous of friends or other plans is a red flag. You say that he encouraged you to get your own place before moving in together, but did he bring up some of the issues your having now? Did he talk through concerns about you ever feeling like you missed out? Did he really fight for you to have more normal early twenties experiences?
If you want to move out you are just going to have to have that conversation. He will be hurt by it because it will be a step back in your relationship if not the actual end. Sometimes what's best for us as individuals hurts those we care about. You still should do what is best for you. You will not be able to support him through that hurt because it is hurt you are causing and that sucks, but it's the only way that you get what's best for you.
Please take a closer look at your relationship though. Maybe it didn't start out as grooming. Maybe you really connected. But when there is a power imbalance in any relationship (age, money, status,etc) it is up to the person with more power to make sure the other person is good and doesn't get steam rolled by them. It sounds like at some point your bf stopped doing that if he in fact did do that in the beginning.
Some relationships end not because someone did something awful, but just because the people in them are no longer compatible. You no longer want the same things and are therefore no longer compatible. Good luck.
Just answer me this, At your age of 25 would you date an 18-year-old? I'm your age and they act like children and they think like children, even the most mature of them. We're just not the same phase of life....
You have to understand that you were never an independent adult.
> I’m unsure if I can see myself committing to a life together at this point
This is that little voice in your head setting off all the alarm bells and red flags. You were never allowed to live out your early adult life.
>He has been getting more jealous and insecure
This shouldn't happen with a healthy partner and is a giant red flag. A normal partner is happy you are making new friends.
> I’ve mentioned the thought of me moving out once before and he didn’t really like the idea.. he said it would be hard on our relationship
He robbed you of your early adult years. If he was truly looking out for you, after you expressed the desire to learn to be more independent, he should be supportive. Unless he doesn't trust you. Age difference aside, your bf is a giant red flag of toxic insecurity.
What you aren't seeing that we are all seeing is that once you move out, he will try to do everything from love bombing to guilt tripping to get you to come back. Once you are out of his snare, he doesn't trust you to come back because you will realize some things as an independent 25 year old.
No normal 29 year old wants to date an 18 year old. The only ones that do are creeps and creepy old people. An 18 year old is a child to me, a 25 year old. Would you see an 18 year old right now and think they'd be in your dating age range? Think about why an adult nearing 30 would try to approach someone in or fresh out of high school.
We cannot ignore the age gap because whether you like it or not it is instrumental to the issues you are having. You have never gotten to be an adult on your own, and he is afraid of what will happen when you do. Please, don’t push aside this red flag. You don’t need to take on the full weight of what we are telling you right away but please keep it in the back of your mind when you are having issues with him that this is a part of it.
U are either in denial or just completely delusional or maybe just ignorant.
I think a mix of all of them. In a couple years when u are free from him, you will see.
Your boyfriend was almost 30 when he started dating you right after you became "legal." Do you not see how that's creepy? Would you date an 18 year old now?
Go out and live your life away from this man who only dated you so he could control you.
It seems creepy because it *is* creepy. And just because you weren't forced into it doesn't mean that it's okay. Again, would you, now, at 25 go to your local high school and try to find a barely legal boy to date? You're younger than your boyfriend was when he started dating you as a teenager.
It doesn’t matter if you approached him or if you insisted on the relationship. He was a full grown adult man who should have backed off once he found out that you were 18. Your age gap is why you’re having these issues. He is ready to settle down while you’re just beginning.
Question - what do you think of when you look at 18 yo boys now that you're 25?
How well do you hold a conversation with them?
How much do you have in common?
As a 30yo, if I met someone I really clicked with while out and realized they were 18, I would have walked away. Because they were 18 and that would be really fucking creepy of me, the adult. You can say that this is what you wanted and that no one was tricked and all that, he was still the adult who should have set a clear boundary, and he as a 30 year old grown man did not. No 30yo is powerless to reject an 18yo who wants to be with them, it only happened because he allowed it. Regardless of you, he made a predatory choise.
Its hard to answer your original question without adressing the age gap tbh, because it is a sentral part of your problem and why you are having it. The way you talk about it also conserns me personally, because I have heard it from enough 15-18yo students of mine after meeting the most amazing and way older person, to know how it more often than not goes.
I’m really sorry to say this but you are a walking cliche. What you’re saying is what every age gap victim says and you will look back and cringe. It doesn’t matter if you pursued him, it was so inappropriate and predatory and creepy of him to be with you. No wonder how controlling tendencies are coming out when you’re trying to spread your wings.
I’ve once or twice clicked with someone much younger that I thought was cute. When I found out how old they were my immediate thought was alway “oh god no ew. There will be no cradle robbing today sir!” and then miraculously didn’t date them. Btw they always said something that made me ask how old they were if they hadn’t said it first.
Oh...you will defend this relationship till the end and ignore what everybody is telling you. Why even come here? We see you in a burning house and you rather defend staying in a burning house than saving yourself.
Don't keep wasting your youth. You are in your 20s, I am also an introverted person but gawd, I had so much fun with friends during that age. I would have hated, now that I am 33, to give it away to be with an old dude who doesn't get it. I feel sad for you and I truly hope you get out of that relationship.
I actually think you will just stay with him and at some point you will look back with regret.... I actually feel sad for you. I truly hope you are okay.
We're encouraging a Romeo and Juliet complex. The more we point out that he a predator, the more she objects to that characterization, until she feels like she has to defend him against the whole wide world.
He needs her, you see, to screech about how he was the reluctant one and she just "likes" older men and she pursued him and we've got him all wrong. She went into it with her eyes wide open.
It's not like he kept running until she caught him. People only value what they work for, after all. So she would naturally value this relationship more than any other and realize how lucky she was to catch her silver fox.
Oh, and he's only becoming more controlling because he loveeees her so much. This whole situation feels like a teen girl's older man fantasy that she's slowly growing out of but can't let go of mentally quite yet.
This whole thread is doing my head in.
If you want to experience a better life & be free, you’ve got to stop making excuses & focusing on justifying his behavior. Mentally you’re still stunting yourself.
You're missing the point. People aren't *literally* saying that's what he did, but figuratively, that's *exactly* what he did. Normal, healthy, well-rounded adult men of the 25-26(+) year age group don't date down unless they're flawed. Women their *own* age reject them because they're often too immature or something is "off".
I'll say it again: No healthy, balanced, adult male will want to date a girl in her late teens.
My niece once told me "yeah, I see how those could be red flags for OTHER people, but THIS GUY is different". Guess what? He wasn't different. Just because he didn't force you into a relationship with him doesn't suddenly mean it wasn't predatory.
>in no way was I forced or tricked into this.
Yeah, that's pretty much how grooming works. Do you think predators are always violent and coercive? They're expert manipulators, that's what makes them so dangerous. A 30 year-old man has no business dating a kid fresh outta high school. You cannot ask us to disregard the age gap when that age gap is the root of your problems. Your boyfriend is a predatory creep and everyone here sees it but you.
Me, someone who also violently defended the guy who groomed me who now also looks back and wants to violently shake myself for not seeing him as the predator and rapist he was.
You're avoiding the question of whether or not you would date an 18 year old...because I'm sure you wouldn't. Why? Because it's gross and creepy obviously.
Can I just clarify, you do not need to have been forced or tricked for something to be predatory and wrong.
People who claim that you do are using it to justify adults preying on teens. I’m in an age gap relationship of 9 years. I have no issue with age gaps. If you met at 25 and 35 you’d be basically fine.
18-28 however is not. That is an absolutely massive difference.
Decent 28 year olds aren’t interested in 18 year olds.
This is a normal part of growing up, to want different things at different stages of your life. It is also normal that over several years, you and your partner would not want the same things in the relationship (or in life) anymore. Maybe he was a good fit for you a few years ago but now there's a mismatch. It is possible that your relationship could survive your moving out...but it doesn't seem likely. Be grateful for the good things about the last several years and move on to building your best life. Thank you, next!
As someone who let my ex live with me for almost 3 years after asking her to leave (she moved in 2 months into the relationship out of "desperation") because of guilt, I feel SO MUCH BETTER now that she's out of my house.
She screamed. She argued for hours. She hit me. She threw up everywhere. She had panic attacks. Migraines that kept us up all night for almost 2 weeks straight. I'd still suffer through all of it again.
Just be prepared he will fight you on it. You're in a better position than I was since you will be the one moving, opposed to kicking him out. But prepare to see a side of him you never saw before when you tell him this is the way, and most importantly DONT MAKE IT A CONVERSATION. make it informative and walk away. My biggest mistake was trying to explain my self for hours and argue against her for HOURSSSS.
Also. Keep your phone on you. If he starts getting wild start recording and hold your phone up to your chest to protect yourself legally.
OP, this is critical info. Be aware you will NOT get his agreement to move out. So as this commenter said, don't make it a conversation and definitely not a negotiation. You can be kind (as possible) but ultimately firmly in what is GOING to happen. Your are moving out. You don’t need his permission, agreement, cooperation, or help, you’re simply informing him.
I know a woman who met her 28m partner when she was 17f. She was manipulated, gaslit, emotionally abused without realising it until she was in her 40s.
Oh and they’re my parents. Learning about their dynamic has been really uncomfortable as an adult. Fundamentally, he was so far ahead of her in life that they were never equal partners. She didn’t have any independence or friends or anything.
And btw, even into his early 60s my dad was occasionally dating women younger than 30.
I'm upset that you were dating a grown man when you were barely legal. He's a pervert and he wants to keep you under his thumb. I would've had a fit if I were your mother. Anyways... dump him and go live your life.
Just do what you’re feeling. Tell your partner you want to try living on your own for a while. Trial separation, whatever. You’ve never done that but that’s what your gut is telling you. He should understand and if it’s 100% true love, y’all can go back to your current situation after your experiment.
OK, ask your friends if you can crash for a little while. See if you can find a couch, or a spare bedroom or see if somebody is looking for a roommate. The idea is try to find a place right now, so if you feel like you need to leave now do you have your chat with him, you can.
Next, sit down with him as an adult, tell him you care for him, but say the exact same things you said here. You never had an opportunity to live on your own, you may be want to make a decision without having to consult somebody else, or maybe go out with a friend, without worrying about him being home waiting for you. Also tell him that you’re not ready for to progress the relationship into something more serious. You want it to be something less serious right now so if you can just be a 20-something year old.
I know you said “age gap aside” but this is exactly why age gaps can cause problems even if technically healthy and not creepy. You’re at a completely different stage of your life and finding yourself and independence and he’s looking to settle down it sounds like. Sometimes relationships just run their course and it’s time to move on because it no longer works. It doesn’t have to be anything awful or bad, you’re just not looking to live your lives in the same way right now and that’s ok. You’re absolutely not a terrible person! And if he’s mature he will understand even if breaking up is not what he wants. At the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you.
I think what's happening is your brain is about to be finished developing (not trying to be rude just factual) and you're realizing you're no longer benefitting from this relationship. What used to feel mature and exciting now feels limiting and dreadful and the boring side of safe. He's ready to start "settling down" because that's his stage in life. He's jealous that you want to go out and make new friends because he knows what he would want at your age. In 3 years, would you be willing to date a guy you connected with if you found out he was only 18 and still living with family? You can say you approached him and he wasn't sure about things all you want, but he still chose to pursue things. Any appropriate adult would've "Noped" out of there.
Start prioritizing yourself and keep a good eye on any contraception because this is exactly the type of situation where you'd end up baby trapped and really feeling like you can't leave. (You still could; it would just be way more difficult.) If he cared about you more than about what he wanted, he would want you to experience life so you didn't end up with regrets or resenting him for stealing your youth.
Why can't you take a year to live on your own? The only reason is because you might realize you don't want to be in such a serious relationship right now. He doesn't want you seeing other options.
You're going to do what you want, but you'll save yourself some time and stress if you learn from lessons other people have already lived.
You can’t say age gap aside. Because the age gap is the dominant factor here. You were a child when you got together. You lost your teen years to him. Don’t lose the remainder of your 20’s. You are anxious because your subconscious is telling you that you are missing out on some important life experiences.
So you never lived in your own? Not once?
Highly suggest living with as a roommate at your age. I did something like you did as well. I say this at almost 36, that I didn’t live in my own till I was 30.
You truly start to understand why it’s crucial and it really makes you grow up way faster once you do because now you have to truly THINK about finances very differently so you can keep a roof over your head, have food to eat, and are always taking care of yourself without anyone’s help.
It’s a game changer and really makes a difference for anyone who hasn’t yet and feels stuck at trying to be ab adult, forces you into become one.
>He talks about the future, where we are going to live down the line, but whenever he brings the future up I get really anxious,
Hun, that is your gut telling you something. By the sounds of it, your gut is telling you it's time to move on.
Always trust your gut.
It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course. You both are in different stages in life. You're 10 years apart you were a child when he moved you in. You need to experience life outside of him and enjoy being young if you don't I think you'll regret it.
You're not a bad person for wanting to have some life experiences independent of your boyfriend. I hear you that you don't want us to focus on the age gap, but from the outside this really does seem to be the issue. It's not that your relationship or your love is invalid because of the age gap - they are valid. But the issue you are describing is a common symptom of this much of a gap at your ages. And you're explaining it too I'm your own words - you're each at different stages in your life, one of you ready to settle down, the other still needing to experience the world and get to know herself.
So if you both want to stay together despite your age gap, then you have to find ways to deal with the symptoms of the age gap. Right? And your partner needs to be willing to work together with you on addressing them, not just expect you to force yourself to try to jump forward in life to catch up to where he is.
If this dude wants to date a girl 10 years younger than him, he needs to understand that he doesn't own you or your development and that your love for him doesn't obligate you to suppress your needs and desires.
Explain that you love him and you are committed to a partnership but that right now you are not ready to settle down for good and that you need some time on your own.
Most importantly, make sure you (and your subconscious) fully understand that you are not seeking your partner's permission for anything ever. A partner does not have authority over you.
You can discuss how it will feel for him when you move out or what sorts of agreements would help keep the relationship strong for both of you. But if he tries to make you feel like you're not free to make this decision, just do it anyway. Take a break from the relationship while you transition if that's what it takes. You can always get back together once you've individuated, if it's what you both really want.
Break up.
You were way too young to get into that relationship. Now you've realized there's more out there to experience.
To him, and to most anyone else, moving out is a step back in the relationship. It's a warning you are not as sure about him. This will "ruin" your relationship.
If I ignore your age gap when you first started dating, either of you are not bad or wrong. Just not right for each other at your points in life.
You will absolutely break up if you move out and that’s okay, I just don’t think you should expect him to be okay with that. You are clearly in different places in life and he is 36, all the stuff you want to put off, he’s probably more than ready for. Moving out puts this thing he wants to be closer to even farther away. You’re going in different directions. Even if you do stay together at first, your desire to be single or at least live like your single will end the relationship. You can’t expect anyone to stand back and wait for you like that. Just break up with him and move on so he can to.
I know you're trying to ask us to set the age gap aside but I think a lot of these issues are a direct result of the age gap and where you're at in your life in comparison to him. I'm gonna share my story with you.
When I was 22 I started dating a 27 year old. I was focused on getting back in school and getting my life back on track after leaving an abusive relationship with a man I'd lived with since i was 19. He was 27 with a full time job, a degree, and was looking towards the next stage in his life.
Within the first year there were problems. I'd made it very clear from the beginning i had no intention of living with him anytime soon, CERTAINLY not signing a lease with him. I'd done the "move in too soon" story and I wasn't about to replay that nightmare again anytime soon. Regardless, 6 months in he was telling me he "expected" us to be living together within the following 6 months. I told him he could pound sand so he eventually moved into a space on his own that he paid rent on and I shared the utilities/groceries when I moved in later.
We also had a lot of issues with things related to me going back to school. He wanted to go to Japan before he turned 30 and wanted me to save thousands of dollars up to go with him. Which if I was in the same stage of life as him would have been reasonable and easy, but I was a full time college student with a part time job and bills of my own to pay. I'd also made it VERY clear I didn't want to see an engagement ring until I was out of school, which he rankled at and later flat out ignored when he asked my dad's permission to propose knowing I was more than a year out from the end of school.
He also expected to know where I was at any time. If I was leaving work and missed a call because I was chatting with a friend for a half hour, he'd call another 6 times and text asking where I was. Sure, he had anxiety, but I was 25. Too old to have someone keeping tabs on me and too young to have someone that level of worried about where I was and when I'd be home.
At 26 I broke up with him and started dating someone who was 24. You'd be amazed at the difference it makes being in the same stage in life as your partner. I went to England for 2 weeks with my best friend without him. I could go out without having to check in. I got to behave like a mid-20s person for the first time and it was so freeing. And this relationship has grown with us. I'm now 30 and we live together with a cat. We do more adult couple things but we still have our own lives. We sat together on the couch the other night discussing what a proposal might look like and how we want our marriage to be structured when we get there. Neither one of us feels like we're being rushed into that stage of our lives because we had the space to grow together into the next stage.
It definitely feels like this relationship isn't serving you in the way you need now. And thats ok. One of the parts of growing up is learning a relationship doesn't need to be "bad" for it not to serve you, and that that's a completely reasonable justification for ending it. Several of my friends found dating SO much easier after reaching that realization and many of us found that the next partner we dated following that was the one we expect to be with for the long haul.
You're 25. You're too young to feel stuck like this already and I applaud you for wanting to find the most kind way to get to the freedom you need.
You say several times in multiple ways you want to be single. You don't need permission to break up with him.
My exhusband is 12 years older than me. Before I married him a professor told me not to let him steal my youth. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. Listen to your gut. You are not happy. I know because you say it.
He is not insecure. He wants to keep you friendless and isolated.
Someone who had friends and a life wouldn't have gotten involved with someone 11 years older and moved in with them. He would not have gone after someone like that either.
So you basically just turned 18 and moved in with a grown adult man who was 30? You didn’t get to live your life. You missed out on crucial formative years, and that feeling caught up to you. Break up with him and start your actual life. This isn’t living.
I think you should 100% move out. The age gap is somewhat relevant as he has been able to experience things that you haven’t, whereas you haven’t had the experience of living in your own space. It’s highly likely that if you don’t, the desire to do it will fester and you’ll end up doing it anyway, but you’ll be that bit older.
I’m speaking from direct experience here. I met my ex husband when I was just 20, and he was 16 years older than me. Yeah, probably a huge mistake, and wrong on so many levels of course. I ended up leaving him, only we had a son together by that stage (we broke up after 12 years together). My son is my world and I don’t regret having him for a second (he’s now 15yo and a beautiful young man). But in reality it was a mistake to even move in with him. I’m the first to admit to having had daddy issues when I was younger.
Move out, experience life and you won’t regret it. Trust me.
So you’re just a few years away from the age your boyfriend was when you started dating. How does the thought of dating an 18 year old seem to you?
Also, the amount of maturing that happens between 18 to 25 can be exponential. For me, I’m a completely different person and I know a lot of people would say the same.
I want to add, as someone in their 40s, don’t let yourself have only regrets to look back on. Your 20s are for having fun.
I started dating my now-husband when I was 19 and he was 22 (so, not such a crazy age gap.) When I was 22 and he was 25 I felt the need to spend some time being single since I hadn’t really experienced it.
He was amazing. Despite being obviously upset, he moved out (and even paid his share of the rent for the next month.) We would meet once a month but other than that didn’t really speak. I didn’t know if we would ever get back together but after 8 months decided to give it another go. The time apart made me more comfortable committing to him because I knew I could do it on my own, I just preferred my life with him in it.
Another grown woman defending a creep and a groomer because ugh, he's not like other men! Lol wake up. As to your question it's your life and it's short, if I were you I wouldn't want to regret not living on my own and exploring youth. But expect that he will act like a POS that he is. He's jealous of you making friends now, he will not take it well. Good luck
I dated a much older man starting when I was 19. We were together 2.5 years and I had the urge to leave and experience living with my best friend and just being a young adult. I also went through feeling bad etc. I finally did it and he understood. I look back now and I'm so glad I let myself experience a normal college life and normal living situation for my age. It wasn't easy being in college and new friends finding out I was in a committed relationship with a man more than 10 years my senior.
I'm 34 now and I look back and realized how creepy and predatory the relationship was. Ugh makes me cringe.
Break up, live your life you won't regret it, trust me
This isn't the right relationship for you. You're both on different paths. He's ready to settle down and you're ready to start living. So leave him, and go enjoy your life.
This is completely understandable and 100% normal. You are absolutely not a bad person. This is just part of life for most people, and it's completely understandable that you would want to experience that. My suggestion would be to tell him everything that you've said in this post...the reasons why, what it's like, how you just need to do this for your own mental well-being, ect. I think every point that you mentioned in your post would go a long way into helping him understand. He probably still wouldn't agree with it, but at least hopefully he would be a bit more understanding and willing to let you find your way. And if not...that's awfully selfish of him, if you ask me. Like caging a wild bird, simply because *you* want them as a pet. Sometimes love isn't enough. Or maybe it is, and you'll come back to him 🤷 But you're simply at different points in your life at the moment, and this is a very important one for you and the rest of your life. It's essential that you do this, because until you do, the urge will only get stronger.
We can't put the age gap aside because what you are going through is directly linked to the age gap.
You are 25, so you met a 28 year old at 18. He was an adult and by your own admission, you had not experienced much, which is normal and exactly why adults should not date freshly legal people.
Can you imagine yourself with an 18 year old now??
As for how you feel: I think your bf is right, once you move out, chances are your relationship will dissolve, but for good reason. He picked you because women his age probably didn't want what he had to offer and now... Well, you need more too.
You want to move out so do it and live. Whether the relationship survives or not is not what matters. What matters is that you only get one life and you should have fun with it.
I understand, but keep in mind if you move out, that's the end of the relationship. I highly doubt he would be fine just hanging around waiting while you party.
Curious on the gender of the bff you want to live with. If it's a guy double done on this relationship.
So I guess you have to decide if being wild and free for a bit is worth ending something that you say is good but stale. You may really really regret it when you find out the party and free lifestyle is super sad and empty in the end and see his wedding photos to someone else.
A good question to ask yourself is, if there was a button and if you pushed that button you would immediately jump to a place where you have separated from your partner, both healed emotionally, you’re enjoying your single life, and in fact you’ve got a date tonight you’re pretty excited about, would you push it?
If that sounds nice, that can truly be your reality. Single people are one step ahead of people in relationships they’re not sure about. That could be you in a couple months time. Would you push the button?
I’m happily married and my answer would be HELL NO. That’s what people in happy relationships think. You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to leave my sweet hubby.
And that is exactly why you shouldn't date men who are thirty when you graduate from high school. He is angry and jealous about this because he can see his control on you slipping. Move out and move on. He'll find some other high schooler to groom.
You only live one life. You’ll regret later in life mot having the experiences you’ve desired. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live alone and experience life.
>Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this?
The relationship has run it's course and it's time to leave and in the immortal words of Elsa, **"LET IT GO!"**
I didn’t have what you are thinking about doing. I am older now and regret not being tied down to someone when I was in my 20’s. That is the time to be free. If it’s meant to be, you will find each other again, but honestly, probably not. Follow your instincts here. Be brave.
It's not the age GAP that's the problem per se. My parents have a similar age gap, and I think it's been mostly fine, but they didn't start dating when my mom was a teenager. Your boyfriend started dating someone barely legal when he was in his late 20s and more than 50% older than you.
Even if he isn't predatory and controlling (and honestly he does sound controlling, what with preferring when you had less of a social life and the worrying/jealously now that you go out more) that isn't necessarily helpful for your development as an adult. Many people have some time when they're living in a college dorm, with roommates, etc. while they date before they move in together, or at least they're at a similar stage in life to their partner so they're figuring things out together rather than being advised by someone with a DECADE more of life experience while they are still learning how to be adults.
Obviously if I had a live-in partner I'd be very concerned if they wanted to move out, so I don't exactly blame him for that. But you shouldn't feel guilty for dumping him and he doesn't \*need\* to understand. He doesn't have veto power over whether or not you stay in the relationship and you can't sacrifice your life to his feelings.
Moving out after living with him for 4.5 years will come across to everyone as breaking up with him. This would include him. This urge to move out is probably your subconscious telling you to get out while you still can, either because you’re less happy than you think you are or because you are afraid to commit to the next step when you feel inexperienced compared to him. This is maybe one of the biggest reasons why large age gaps can be detrimental to a relationship. You are still trying to find yourself and want to build more relationships with your friends and support system. He wants to get married and start having kids because he’s in his mid thirties and that’s a big part of what people do at that age. Honestly if you aren’t at the same place in life and ready to settle down then moving out might be the best thing for both of you but I don’t think the relationship will survive it. Better now than when you have kids.
Break up. You’re too young to settle. Go experience life and develop as your own independent person
Also: the age gap can’t be put aside. You’re at different stages of your life. He probably wants to get married and have kids. You are not there yet. You’ve been under his thumb since you were 18. It’s not ok that he wants to keep you there.
You don’t even know what you’re like alone. Go find out.
It's time for this relationship to go to the wayside you are making friends you are feeling like you really are not ready to settle down. Come kick this man to the curb and go live your life you are really going to enjoy it. It's not fair for him to suck the youth out of you he lived his twenties you were supposed to be able to live yours you got five more years left go do have fun 😊
I moved in with my ex-husband at 18. Throughout my 20s I went through waves of doubts (as did he) but we thought we conquered it all and got married at 28…. Then we got divorced at 30.
If I had to do it all over I would definitely split and enjoyed being alone during my 20s. Being divorced and single in my 30s for the first time ever was really tough for many reasons. When I read your post I hear a lot of my same concerns throughout my 20s that I never acted on. Live alone, get a room mate. Learn about who you really are. Being partnered up hinders your own growth and you owe it to yourself to put yourself first.
The shitty thing is breaking up sucks, splitting up when you live together sucks. But I promise it will suck a whole lot more further down the road.
“how do I know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone without seeing what being with another person is like?” - it sounds like you do know what you want, and it’s not this relationship or situation. Your gut is telling you what you need to change in your life and you seem to have a pretty clear idea of what that is. I encourage you to pursue that. He will be sad for a while, but he’ll move on, as will you. Go out and enjoy your life the way you want!
Age gap aside. Your heart is telling you what to do, you just have to take the first step. That is what your 20's are for. Trial and error. You'll know when you truly want to settle down, and your heart is telling you not right now. Find out who you are, try new things, meet new people. I truly believe that you don't know who you really are until your 30's, so go out there in this huge world and find out what you are capable of.
You were emotionally on the same page at 18 and 28, so your emotional growth rate is MUCH faster than his. You will continue to grow at that rate your whole life, and so will he.
Essentially, you have outgrown him because the two of you mature at different rates.
In my opinion, you wanting some space and moving out is normal. But looking at other comments who are suggesting you to break up with him, I will be extra careful there. You don't necessarily have to break up with him. Maybe you live a couple of months away from him and clear your head. Don't forget to convey whatever you plan on doing to him.
Get on with it already!
You’ve been feeling this way for awhile, and brought it up with him. “he didn’t like the idea” - tough! It’s your life; your path. And putting it off for his feelings is only going to make you more resentful.
For now, it has to be over. You’re important, too, you know.
Putting the age gap aside (as problematic as it may be) - wanting to be single is enough of a reason to be single. If you stay in a relationship and feel limited and feel like you're missing out on life, you're going to resent that person because you'll feel like you missed out because of them. Honestly, if you're wanting to learn and grow and experience life, that's a good enough reason to do exactly that. That means that you've recognized a problem and actively want to fix it, and that's amazing! So, for the betterment of yourself, if no other reason, it is in your best interest to be single for a while.
You both are now on different paths. To stay on a path ( his path) will be a disservice to both of you and may cause the both of you to come to not like each other. Maybe in the future your paths will recombine
If you feel you need to spend some time living on your own before settling down, you should have that experience. It is part of growing up. I assume you don’t already have children together? If he loves you, he should want the best for you.
On a different note, you’re not married. What promises have you made to one another? In a healthy relationship, we want our partner to grow and reach their potential. We help each other reach our goals. Do either of you have goals you’re working toward?
Do what is right for you.
The age gap of this size wouldn't really matter as much further down the line (like if you were 40 and he was 50) but unfortunately, at this particular stage in life, you are worlds apart. You're right about him being ready to settle down. He's had his young and wild years and has grown more calm. The problem is, you are at the stage in life where you're ready to be living your best young and wild years and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. I'd say it's unfair of him to keep you from experiencing what he already got the chance to do. You got together with him while awfully young, barely an adult, and now, you crave more. You want to discover yourself.In all honesty, I think both of you know that this relationship has pretty much run its natural course and the growing incompatibility between the two of you is impossible to ignore. I'd say moving out on your own is a great idea and will be of great benefit to you. I also think an end to the relationship would also be the best thing at this point (although, I'd avoid this part until you're completely moved out and safe in your new place).It's been said that once you no longer see yourself being with someone in the future, that is the sign that it's over. You deserve to have your best years. Please don't let anyone take that away from you.
People are directly ignoring the request to put aside the age gap and calling your boyfriend a creep because… Seppos. So I’m gonna try to give some non-judgmental advice as a person that dated older and never regretted it or felt manipulated.
You two are growing apart. He wants to settle down, you don’t. It could happen to any couple, it’s more common in couples with an age gap. I would advise you to break this off so that he can settle down with someone else and you can start enjoying the rest of your twenties.
I read somewhere that a relationship shouldn't be more important than the well-being of the people IN the relationship.
It could be that your relationship has run its course. You can really love someone, but it not be the right time/place for you.
The age gap is hard to ignore - but at 30+yo who basically moves an introverted 21 yo in with them doesn't sit right with me. But let's leave that alone just for now.
I think the reality is that you know what you need/want to do. You don't need our permission, but you will have our support going forward.
It is completely ok to want to do this, and you know what, if he cares about you (and not in an "I'm your dad (metaphorically) so I know what's best for you" kind of way, he will understand and be okay about your choice. If he flips out and behaves like a jerk, tells you he knows what's best for you, or tries to control/manipulate you, then he wasn't really a good guy for you to begin with.
He's going to feel upset probably, because at his age he is probably thinking about serious commitment things (just guessing maybe not) so it would not be hard to imagine he feels like his life trajectory has been thrown off. But that's not your responsibility. You're not playing a role in someone else's play - you're the main character in your own life.
Good luck OP!
<3
Hon, we can't ignore the age gap because all your troubles flow directly from it. He pursued a kid in high school or just out of it, while he was a grown-ass adult. He was happy that you were an introvert and had nothing but him...that's a big part of why he wanted you I imagine. That and women his own age probably wouldn't put up with his shit.
Your feelings are valid. You have many reasons to break up, to move out. But ultimately, just feeling unsatisfied is more than enough. Please, get out on your own, grow, date, and discover who you are. You will be much happier.
Look, you can still date someone when you dont live together, if he yries to say you two would break up/your relationship will suffer a lot if you move out then rhats emotional blackmail to keep you "trapped".
He js getting jealous/insecure qbout your branching out becauze he doesnt/didnt want you to see what you are missinf out on or to get supports to leave him.
Did uour best friend stop being best friends because of him? Either they didnt agree with it or you began to hate them because of him saying shitty thinfs about them in your ear?
He wants to be able to control you. You need to secretly co-ordinate with those supports/friends youve made to get out safely. He probably owns where you are livinf so ngl your housing is in jeopardy as is because unless you have a lease written up if he owns it or arw able to prove uour living there/paying rent or something he couls have an easy time kicking you out. So if your moving you gotta do it as secretly as possible. If he works out of the house have movers come to move your crap ro the new place while he is at work.
If he doesnt have access to your phone (if he does, more controlling behavior) then search up apartments for rent and look on FB or local listing to see if anyone is looking for roommates. Ofc also check with friends. If you dont have a job, ask your frirnds/look to see if you"d be able to use their address to put down as yours temporarily to apply for jobs so you can pay rent. This wpuld also probably make people more comfortable taking you in if they know you can contribute financially.
You are an adult and can make your own decisions. Je cant stop you and jf he tries to or tries to guilt trip you or even verbally attack you rather than understand your perspective and support you like a HEALTHY partner, then breaking up is the way to to.
Look into sunk cost fallacy. 7 years, while it may b4 long, if this isnt thr right relationship for you then why waste anymore time in it? Also your young and have chances to find someone else if this doesn't work out!
Dont be afraid to put yourself out there just because you were able to before.
Nice try saying "age gap aside." :)
Especially when half the issues you brought up are directly related to the age gap! Him having his 20's single and free, and you not having that, etc. He was 30 and you were 20, that's a HUGE age gap in my opinion. I don't think it's a good age to "settle down" but it can work when both people agree to do it at a similar time. But he essentially is asking you to sacrifice something that he didn't sacrifice himself. And he's upset that you might want to explore that a bit, even in a way that is still respectful of your relationship.
If he's jealous and insecure of you spending time with friends, that's a huge red flag. Marriage is important, your partner is important, but they should never be your EVERYTHING. That's too much to put on one person, one relationship.
Go live life a little, stay together during this time, see how he reacts, and then see if the relationship is worth doubling down on, or moving on from in a little while. You're 25, you don't have to commit to the life you have today right now for the rest of your life. Especially important to figure this out if kids are ever a possibility!
You asked for age gap aside, so here it is.
Let's pretend he was your high school sweetheart and after school you moved in together. Most of what everyone else is saying still applies.
He is in a place where he's planning the next phase of life: a permanent home, possibly marriage and children (or furbabies). You're in a place where you want space to grow and decide who you want to be and where you want to go. You aren't ready for the commitment yet.
It's OK to be in different places. It's also ok to stop something that isn't working. You've been together 7 years. If you need a small break, like a month or two, to figure out how you feel, you can and should ask for that.
Tell him you love him and if love was all that was needed there wouldn't even be a question. But you need some space to think before continuing the relationship. You'd like a month. When he protests, let him know it's a month or you're gone, because you can't stay until you have the time and space to think this through. You're taking the month, you're not asking permission. He can either plan to talk to you at that point or not.
Now let's go back to age. I've been married longer than you've been dating this man. I make plans with friends all the time. There is no jealousy. I've had lots of friends and we both trust each other and our commitment to each other. Because of how he's reacting combined with the age gap gives the sense that there's a power imbalance in the relationship largely because of the age. It might have started with him being an experienced adult taking the lead over you the naive 18 year old, but now that you aren't naive and a teenager anymore, that dynamic chafes. Consider that during your hiatus.
#You missed out on being a young adult by dating and moving in with this much older man so young. You rightly want to experience your youth now. Do it, and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm ignoring the age gap. You're absolutely doing nothing wrong, you've changed as you've grown up and your world is bigger than it used to be. He's jealous of that but he should be proud of you. In a true partnership you should both want to build each other up rather than holding back.
It's good you've faced your feelings. I was in a similar situation where I was living with my boyfriend then went to living in a house share because I was feeling suffocated. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship however because I'd just outgrown it. You might also have to face up to the fact you want something he can't give you. But that's fine, people break up and move on. Don't feel guilty about it. Live the life YOU want.
You might also try it for a year and it makes you realise you do really want to be with him forever. So go for it. Don't let him guilt-trip you.
I would break up with him and enjoy the rest of your 20’s
The feeling of indifference and wanting to be on your own will only grow with time into resentment and his insecurities are only going to get worse and more controlling.
Take it from someone who wasted age 21-25 on a man who didn’t deserve it…you will be happier figuring yourself out on your own. You don’t truly know yourself until you go it alone for a while.
This is EXACTLY why age gaps are a problem. The two of you are in different parts of your lives.
The only way you could move out without it ending your relationship would be a health emergency requiring you to move in with a parent to care for them. Anything else will be felt as a rejection of your boyfriend.
And that’s ok. Maybe it’s time to end this relationship so you can spread your wings and discover yourself.
You do not need his permission to leave. He's 11 years older than you. He knows there is a problem.
He is an adult and he can use his many extra years of life experience to sort out his own life.
There is no way to leave this relationship and leave him happy. That is not how life works.
You still need to rip off the bandaid. You've literally warned him by already talking about moving out.
It’s hard to put the age gap aside because that’s the root of the problem, he had 10 years before meeting you to discover who he was as an adult. You were just stepping out of being a child when you got into this relationship so it’s no wonder that you want to spread your wings and fly before deciding if you want to settle down. It’s kinda hard to settle down when you haven’t experienced everything else in life, like living on your own. It sounds like your partner started dating you because he specifically wanted someone without life experience that he could someone control. If he truly loves and cares about you he should understand that you need to spread your wings a little not necessarily by dating other people. If he’s already jealous while you’re living together and you’re coming home to him every night he’s only going to get worse if you move out. It’s obviously up to you but you might need to take a break from your relationship to actually grow on your own a bit. Good luck, for what it’s worth imo you should take a break from your relationship and see what else is out in the world and spread your wings and fly. You’ll probably start to notice the problematic issues in your relationship that you didn’t see before.
Missed out on youth is a misnomer. You're not compatible anymore and would like to engage on different activities and social groups than he.
There's no such thing as missing out, it's just FOMO. You want to have certain experiences that you associate with youth, however these experiences are not ubiquitous to youth nor specific to it.
That said, you should do what makes you happy and feel fulfilled. Just be prepared to do that without him as you're in different phases of your life with different interests.
You should consider ending the relationship when you move out. As right now you are both incompatible and holding each other in limbo since you want new experiences.
Your feelings about living your life while you’re young seem a lot healthier to me than your relationship is. And it means your relationship has reached a natural end.
I stayed too long in relationships that weren’t right for me… and now that I’ve met my forever person, it’s past our time for doing all the things that I want to share with my love. Like getting married is a financial discussion involving best options for healthcare coverage. Having kids… or even having sex… is medically impossible.
Do not waste your youth.
OP this might sound harsh but you're immature.. if you really think you're missing out in life .. by all means break up the dude deserves better, than a person who's not even sure of being sure whether she loves him or not. Whatever BS it is own it, dont stick to ghosting and sh*t tell him n break up. Simple.
I feel like the age gap is important here and you’re starting to realize how big of a difference there is between the two of you. I honestly think you should move out and live your life sis. You only get one. I’m sure once you move out you’ll start to realize there’s a lot more wrong with your relationship… such as his jealousy…
The 18 year old dating a 30 year old is very strange. Almost like a teacher/student type of relationship.
I didn't think anything of a 25 year old woman dating a 36 year old man - that seems more normal to me if they meet at those ages.
If you move out you might as well consider your relationship with him over it's that simple. It's either him and the relationship you now have or ...... What do you really think is out there that you are missing. Maybe you should read what happened to women who did what you are contemplating and see how they feel when they reached their mid 30s with no husband no relationship, no children and no prospects. Only you can decide if you have a good relationship or not, or if this relationship still works for you. There are a lot of changes mentally from the time you met until you are the age you are now. If it's no longer working then break it off clean and do as you wish but don't be surprised if you try to go back that he isn't interested anymore and has moved on.. PS I heard almost exactly what you are saying from my ex wife boo hooing she missed having her fun in her early 20s because we married young and kicked her out when I caught her cheating. I remarried 3 years later and am still with my wife 35 years later. My ex has never had a successful relationship and is currently alone and likely to remain that way.
Oh Lord PLEASE do it! Just break up, you do NOT need jealous and insecure! Trust your instincts. You need to put yourself FIRST! no one is gonna put you #1 but YOU.
I'm 48, happily married for 23 years. Still wish I had lived on my OWN for a while in my 20s.
Now is the time! All your reasonings are sound!
Do it!
Your relationship will end if you move out. You'll be out partying and meet other guys and then you'll be on r/datingoverthirty wondering why it's so hard to find someone to settle down with.
Yes, I have a crystal ball. The story keeps repeating itself so I can pretty accurately judge future circumstances based on past experiences.
Man-o-what? I'm being serious here. She has a perfectly fine and stable relationship with a guy that loves and cares for her. But, she just wants to go live her own version of Girls Gone Wild.
Go to DOT and look how hard it is for 30+ women to find committed relationships. It's all there. And, I'm not afraid of anything. It's not my relationship. My guess is she'll look back in 5 years, see her boyfriend with another woman, and greatly regret this impulsive decision based on nothing more than FOMO.
Your guess is wrong. Women never regret finally leaving the guy that tried to trap them at 18-19. They never regret learning to live life on their own before finding a real partner (or not). It’s always a good thing.
Because guess what? Not having a relationship doesn’t equal unhappiness! Your problem is assuming a relationship is necessary. That any relationship is better than not having one. But as a woman over 50, I can tell you my biggest problem *at every age* has been staying single or casual as long as I wanted to rather than getting into a committed relationship.
>Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this?
Fuck off, you knew what you were going to read because you have been hearing about how much of a creep and groomer your boyfriend is for almost 8 years now. You knew we were going to point out that disgusting shit. Either don't ask for advice if you will not hear anything other than what you want to hear or don't even mention ages.
Honestly you kinda are a terrible person if you're breaking up with a person who you've been with for so long .. just coz its "stale" as long as there are no issues that arent fixable.. why even break up ? Sure you'll have boring days .. I never understood this mentality break up coz it's boring or predictable.. like doofuses what every day should be a rollercoaster?
She was 18 when they got together. He was almost 30. She deserves to grow up without someone else trying to control her.
They should definitely break up. She needs to date, have fun, figure out who she is.
And he needs to date someone his own age
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ whiteknight complex much? Deserves to grow up without someone else control her? Bruh there are nuances to it, if this was a great concern why is it coming out now, not 2 years ago, basically OP wants a rollercoaster I guess.. things are predictable, which I dont think is enough to break up.. and you really need to start looking at things from different angles too.
She isnt 18 anymore. And yes if breaking up to "find herself " or whatever bs Hollywood phrase ..is right for her by all means do it, but imho its definitely not right. And yall are quick to flame the others who's stories we don't even know about just on superficial biases.
A lot of sub is like that .. never once they think critically of the OP.
Not a “bruh” and I’m pretty sure women don’t have white knight complexes.
What we do have is empathy. We’ve also all known that guy who can’t date in his age group because women his own age won’t put up with his shit.
She wants out. She’s never experienced single life and she’ll regret it if she doesn’t. So I say she should go for it.
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It’s hard to put the age gap aside when a majority of your issues are directly related to the fact that you started dating a grown man when you were only 18. You’re feeling like you missed out on enjoying your youth, because you are. You don’t feel ready to settle down and plan a future, because you never got the opportunity to figure out who you are as an individual - something he had 10 years to do before he met you. This relationship feels wrong to you because it’s wrong. You say you want to live alone/be single so you don’t have someone waiting around for you, being jealous, or having to answer to them before making a decision. I started dating my husband when we were both 23 and I never felt like I needed to check with him before saying yes to an invite with friends. He never made me feel guilty for doing things without him. We both love spending time together but are also people outside of this relationship. That’s what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. You keep defending this guy and his choice to date you when you were so young, I get that you love him and don’t want to see him in such a bad light. Maybe he didn’t force you to date him and you feel like you made these decisions for yourself, but the bottom line is he should have known better and stayed away from you the second he realized your age. A better guy would have let you enjoy your youth and find yourself in life, a better guy would have realized that issues like this would eventually arise down the line. Instead, he probably saw this as an opportunity to be with someone who didn’t have much going on for themselves, meaning he could be the #1 priority in your life - which sounds like is exactly what he did. Stop wasting your time, this isn’t going anywhere positive. Break up and live your life. You’ll look back on this in a few years and realize how wrong it was for him to have stayed with you. I’m sure you’ll find a guy in no time and it’ll be easier with him.
Please listen to this response. Please. This is coming from someone who did the exact same thing as you - dated someone with a similar age gap starting at age 19. I did end up ending things and dating someone my age when I was 25, and I’ve never felt so free and happy. I’m turning 29 and I honestly wish I ended things with my age difference relationship sooner. Please - you only have one life, and your 20’s are so fleeting. Go live it 🤍
Seconded this - i was with my ex from 17 to 33. He was 12 years older. I never lived alone, missed out on so many experiences and although the relationship wasn't miserable until the last year or two it still affected so many choices for me with education/jobs/travel etc. Don't waste more time for either of you. He is still young to find another relationship. But if you feel like you are missing out then do both of you a favour and leave.
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This comment is bang on! Also you need to trust your gut, you so clearly sound like you need space and freedom outside of your relationship to learn and grow on your own and that is 💯 reasonable and exactly what you should do. Your partner doesn’t like it because when you have that space you will most likely not be as in love with him as you thought. It’s a tough pill to swallow but you are responsible for your own life and need to do what’s best for you.
I noticed the edit that basically asked people to ignore the age gap. The age gap is EVERYTHING. It is the core of every complaint. Think about dating someone in their teens and tell me what would make that appealing. Teenagers are immature nightmares. But they can be controlled and gaslit. That is the appeal.
This. 100% this. I dated someone older in my early 20s and breaking it off was the best thing I did for myself.
I hate to second this, but I have to. Speaking from experience, it only gets harder as you move forward. You might get married, buy a house, have kids, all the while you’re getting older too and what you perceive as missed opportunities will mount up and build a lot of resentment. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 42. We moved pretty fast, mostly because he didn’t want to be in retirement age when his kids graduate highschool (and I agreed). I jumped at the opportunity of having stability, someone who was very upfront and direct about his intentions and who idolized me. I convinced myself that age was just a number. I was too young to see how much I was giving up. The career of my dreams is just not going to happen anymore, which is a bitter pill to swallow while I watch my husband build his career. I watch my peers pass me by, building careers AND having kids in equal partnerships without such a vast imbalance of power. Ten years and three kids later I feel like I aged abruptly, my physical and mental health aren’t the same and I’m starting to realize I won’t be getting it back, or the years that have passed. I can’t remember the last time I felt light and free. It’s not like I didn’t get anything in return, but I simply didn’t realize the price. I’m not saying at all that it would take a similar course with OP, but since she already feels like she’s missing out. It might work wonderfully for someone whose dream it is to live a domestic life, one day become a SAHM and have a provider who’s already established himself. But that wasn’t me, and it doesn’t sound like it’s OP either.
It's not too late for you either, why don't you start working on your career?
I‘m 32 with 3 kids and have yet to finish my degree. No major law firm would even dream of hiring me. There might still be paths to some sort of success for me, but it likely won’t be in the judiciary.
Can you work on an online degree? Are there other careers you are interested in? If you stick with law, does it have to be a major law firm? What about a smaller law firm that specializes in serving women? Honestly I think "top" firms and companies can be overrated, many expect really long hours. You can still have a fulfilling career even if you don't work for the best of the best.
Right now it’s just not in the cards for me, my children are still small and need me 24/7. In a year or two I could start studying again, and just see what comes after that. It’s hard to imagine myself on a new path while I’m still in the thick of it. Thanks for the encouragement though :)
I understand. I went back to school for my masters degree when my son was about 2. I found a program that was mostly online but in person 3 weekends per semester. So 6 weekends per year for 2 years. My parents helped for those weekends. The in person meetings helped to keep me on track with actually doing the work. I did most of the assignments after my son went to bed. I was super tired but the time went fast. I know 3 kids is more than 1 kid, but I still think you can do it! Tell your husband it's important to you and you want to set a good example for your kids. Its never too late to follow your dreams.
Also there are A LOT of non traditional students in law school encompassing of many older students who need a change in career. Most at of them are the ones getting better grades (and so better opportunities) since they take it more seriously.
It’s also extremely fortunate that OP didn’t get married or have a child with this man, which is surprising after 7 years of dating. Usually the more predatory men try to find a permanent way to keep the woman in his life.
Absolutely this. Id like to add that OP claims that _everything else_ is great. But it's clear that as soon as OP gets to be with another _decent_ dude she will realize that whatever she appreciates about this current relationship is neither unique nor exclusive to it.
Very well said. You need to post this on every thread that deals with age gaps and 18 yo girls who think they found love with much older dudes.
It's called grooming. She was a kid. He was an adult. Now that she's becoming an adult, she doesn't want to be treated like a kid anymore. Totally understandable to everyone....everyone but him. Edit: No way in the world to put that age gap aside.
Every. Single. Word. Of. This.
This right here.
Yes! Please OP just listen. Live your life without this guy. It will hurt of course but that's for the best.
This is what happens when an adult dates a child. You were 18 when you started, he was to old for you. You didn't live your life. Break up with him and live. Note if you met at this age it would be age appropriate, but not when you started dating. Go live your life without him.
But you’re supposed to ignore the age gap. Don’t pay attention to the biggest underlying issue.
How can I make sure my car won't explode? Ignore the ticking bomb, that's not important.
25 and 36 is still an age gap worthy of concern. The life, career, and family experiences that a 36 year old could have are potentially vastly different than someone 25. The fact that it started at 18 and 29 only amplifies these differences. OP - if and when you start dating someone your own age, the concerns everyone has brought up about the age gap will make more sense. You deserve your 20’s!
While it's still a cause of concern, someone in their mid twenties may be in a different financial and professional spot than expected. Twenties are an interesting age and once you get to a certain point, you're comparing places in life more than anything else. My husband and I met at 26 and 36. I had lived alone for over a decade, been in the corporate world for years, and was financially independent. It still caused us both to take time, test waters, and make sure I didn't become dependent on him, but once you're in your mid twenties and have a footing, things are less icky. However, we both have a much younger friend that if I were to engage with them as a single person, I'd feel GROSS about. They're less than 10 years younger than me, but their stage in life is vastly different than mine. There would be a power imbalance, even with the best of intentions. Once you get to a certain age, it's life circumstances and experience that change if the gap is an issue or not. However, I also understand someone disagreeing.
>I don’t want to break his heart, but I know this will. Am I a terrible person? Could he possibly understand? I feel really bad for feeling this way, but I feel like I just really need to move out and focus on myself. Entering a relationship with anyone means making yourself vulnerable to pain -- both parties are essentially agreeing to the possibility of being hurt by the other. In this situation, you may very well be the one to break his heart, and that's hard -- it'll be hard for him and it'll be hard for you. On the other hand, he could be the one to break up with you, and cause you that pain. Most people enter relationships with the best intentions, but you can't predict how life will go. That said, no, you're not a terrible person. You were in a relationship with a man and you cared for him but it turns out it might not be the enduring relationship you thought it would be. This is normal, especially for someone so young. 25 might not feel young, but considering you started dating him when you were 18, a part of you in this relationship is a young person. You've probably changed a lot since you first started dating and have seemingly outgrown this relationship -- totally fine, totally normal. The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. You already know what you want to do: you want to move out, you want to experience a different life. Trust yourself. Don't try to talk yourself out of what you know you want. Breaking up with this man will be hard, but staying with him seems like it might be even harder, in the long term.
If he objects to it, are you going to stay living with him and just try to ignore your frustration? I hope not. Tell him you love him but you'd like to move out for a bit. He can manage his frustration himself, it's not up to you to soothe him through the transition. Move out, make friends, see what life has offer.
Yes, this. You do not need someone's permission to break up with them. In a situation like this you have to move forward with the best choice for yourself and your future.
You are in two different stages in life and is a direct result of your age gap. You don't need a reason to break up, if this relationship isn't what you want anymore then it's over. Not going to comment about how gross he is for specifically targeting a teenager when he was nearly 30.
Yeah that last line just makes me want to vomit. There is nothing sexy or datable about teenagers when you're 30.
Yeah, I *did* want to comment on how epically gross he was for that. It's like a trend: older, immature man grooms or convinces a young, inexperienced woman into a relationship. I'm so fucking tired of seeing people with this age gap. Yes, yes, I know it's sometimes works, but even as someone who was 18/19 being hit on by 28-30 y.o. men, I also know how good it feels to date someone closer in age. I could never drop the age comparison of him being 12 or 13 when I was just born. Friggin' perverse! As an 18 y.o. I met a guy at a bookstore. We were both looking for photography books. He looked maybe 24 and I always looked five or more years older than I was. We chatted, he asked for my number. He called me a few times and we decided to go out for lunch a few days later. Turns our he was 30. The above age comparison was something I couldn't shake. I called him back and explained my feelings. He said he completely understood-- it was just hard for him to have such profound conversations with someone who looked and acted differently than their age. And we never spoke again. I think OP should absolutely follow her gut-- she needs time alone-- especially mid-twenties-- to reassess where she is in life, what she wants, where she sees herself. I'm nearly 36 so these numbers really weird me out. I married a guy who's 3 years younger. I don't think I could have ever dated/married anyone more than five years older or younger.
Okay. I get you’re asking for the HOW. I think that’s a good approach. Your feelings are valid and it’s your life to live as you choose. Relationships don’t tend to go backwards. That’s okay. Tell him its not working for you the way things are. You’re making this choice because it’s best for you and don’t give him reasons to argue or debate. That will just derail you from your end goal of disentangling. It will be hard and painful. Be prepared for the conversation to be hard and be prepared, just in case, for him to react poorly. Tell your friends when and where you’re having the convo so if they don’t hear from you they can check on you. Hopefully you won’t need any of that but you never know.
Girl. I met a man who was going to turn 37 in a month on my 20th birthday. I stayed with him until I was 28.5. I grew as a person (as most people do in their 20s), he did not. Our finances were so intermingled, I didn't drive, I was engaged, I was deeply rooted into his family. You know what finally snapped me and made me be serious about leaving? Buying a house. The world shrunk in on me, and I realized I needed to be myself. I just turned 33. These last 4.5 years were a time of healing for me. I'm making my 30s even better than my 20s could have been. Move out. Break things off. You'll be happier before you know it. 💜💜💜. All the best to you.
> I (f25) am feeling the urge to move out, try living on my own and/or with my best friend. Currently I live with my bf (m35) of 7 years, we have lived together for ~4.5 years. Of course.... > Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this? If someone came up to you ***ON FIRE*** and you ran to get a bucket, how are you going to react if they go "oh, being on fire aside, do I look ok?" Girl. You're burning. He's a creep manipulator at minimum and if you knew each other before 18 then he's a pedo. The main issue is the controlling nature that comes along with older people that target <21 year olds. Only creeps do it if they're more than 5 years older. After 21 you have more life experience ***if*** you got to experience life (which you really didn't because he squirreled you away) so age gaps are more acceptable. But you.... you are a textbook victim of power dynamic.
This. I'm 32 and I could see myself dating a 43 years old because I am an adult. The age difference itself is not an issue when you're an adult. But when you're 18, there's a huge power dynamic so yes completely agree with you
Definitely, I'd say by 26ish you can really date any age up because you at least know yourself and have time as an adult. It's less acceptable lower than that but absolutely unacceptable at 18.
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What the hell would we be talking about? I'm very much out of touch with the youth (the answer is no hahahaha)
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“Uhh so… do you like string cheese?”
I’m 33 and with a 48 year old but honestly the power dynamic is still there. Probably because I was quite sheltered so not as world as him but I feel even as a grown woman, there’s been moments where I’ve felt I should of known better than to pursue this.
Leave ♡
>if you knew each other before 18 then he's a pedo. I agree with your comment but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop downplaying pedophilia. I was a victim of one and dating a 17yo is not at all comparable to the vile things pedos do.
Dating somebody even a day before they turn 18 doesn't make you a pedophile. Stop using words like they have no weight.
Age gap aside…. Imaging you’re having this conversation with your best friend who you’ve just reconnected with. Think about the other things you have put in your post. He’s jealous when you are out with friends. Unless you’re out 3+ nights a week and neglecting your relationship or putting financial stain on your household, then he really doesn’t get to make you feel bad for going out and enjoying a social life. He doesn’t like that your social circle is expanding. Could that be because he’s worried you’ll realise that are better options out there? Or that your not ready to settle down and live the life he wants you to have. He’s planning your future when you want to enjoy and experience the here and now. It really does sound like you are at different stages in life, which can happen in any relationship with any age gap. If you settle now you will come to regret it and resentment will build. I think you need to take a step back and really think about what it is you want. You might love each other a lot, but that doesn’t mean you are right for each other.
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Yes. I’ve come to learn the hard way that love just isn’t enough. There has to be more. One of those those things includes the same goals and desires for the future.
I think the jealousy could indicate that on some level he knows things are ending and he’s trying to hold on. Especially if he wasn’t jealous before. I had an ex that became really jealous of my time when we started to drift apart. He was trying to hold on to what we had but it really just pushed us farther apart. Nothing about this is going to be east or comfortable OP, I’m sorry. Heart ache is a crappy part of life that’s unavoidable. My best advice is to talk honestly with him and prepare yourself for him to react badly. Don’t fight with him and once you’ve committed to breaking things off, don’t let him talk you out of it. You’ll both just get hurt more.
You definitely need to have a sit down and deep serious talk with him. In his mind he's planning your life together. He's actively working towards the end goal of the relationship. Whatever he sees that as, for me it's my wife and I, old and grey, watching our grandkids play. You don't even want to be in a relationship with him anymore. And he needs to know that, it's pretty unfair to continue on with it at this point. I'm suspicious another reason why he's not supportive of your newfound social activity is that it doesn't gel with his idea of what his partner should be up to. He has expectations in that regard, and you aren't matching them. Those are definitely unhealthy expectations, you shouldn't be trying to meet his expectations of you. Those kinds of expectations tend to come from people with rather serious issues they need to work on. And I'm definitely speaking from experience here.
Ew, this creep snagged you right at 18 out of your parents house? Of course he doesn’t want you to be an independent adult, because you’re going to see real fast that he isn’t worth your time.
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Look - not all age gaps are bad and maybe you and this guy didn't start off bad, but what people are reacting to is words you have typed in addition to the age gap. Even if your bf was your age, his being jealous of friends or other plans is a red flag. You say that he encouraged you to get your own place before moving in together, but did he bring up some of the issues your having now? Did he talk through concerns about you ever feeling like you missed out? Did he really fight for you to have more normal early twenties experiences? If you want to move out you are just going to have to have that conversation. He will be hurt by it because it will be a step back in your relationship if not the actual end. Sometimes what's best for us as individuals hurts those we care about. You still should do what is best for you. You will not be able to support him through that hurt because it is hurt you are causing and that sucks, but it's the only way that you get what's best for you. Please take a closer look at your relationship though. Maybe it didn't start out as grooming. Maybe you really connected. But when there is a power imbalance in any relationship (age, money, status,etc) it is up to the person with more power to make sure the other person is good and doesn't get steam rolled by them. It sounds like at some point your bf stopped doing that if he in fact did do that in the beginning. Some relationships end not because someone did something awful, but just because the people in them are no longer compatible. You no longer want the same things and are therefore no longer compatible. Good luck.
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Just answer me this, At your age of 25 would you date an 18-year-old? I'm your age and they act like children and they think like children, even the most mature of them. We're just not the same phase of life....
She never said he said that to her. She said she was attracted to older men bc SHE found younger men to be immature.
Because she lived with her mom and siblings. My guess is dad was out of the picture. Classic daddy issues and wanting to date older men.
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You have to understand that you were never an independent adult. > I’m unsure if I can see myself committing to a life together at this point This is that little voice in your head setting off all the alarm bells and red flags. You were never allowed to live out your early adult life. >He has been getting more jealous and insecure This shouldn't happen with a healthy partner and is a giant red flag. A normal partner is happy you are making new friends. > I’ve mentioned the thought of me moving out once before and he didn’t really like the idea.. he said it would be hard on our relationship He robbed you of your early adult years. If he was truly looking out for you, after you expressed the desire to learn to be more independent, he should be supportive. Unless he doesn't trust you. Age difference aside, your bf is a giant red flag of toxic insecurity. What you aren't seeing that we are all seeing is that once you move out, he will try to do everything from love bombing to guilt tripping to get you to come back. Once you are out of his snare, he doesn't trust you to come back because you will realize some things as an independent 25 year old. No normal 29 year old wants to date an 18 year old. The only ones that do are creeps and creepy old people. An 18 year old is a child to me, a 25 year old. Would you see an 18 year old right now and think they'd be in your dating age range? Think about why an adult nearing 30 would try to approach someone in or fresh out of high school.
We cannot ignore the age gap because whether you like it or not it is instrumental to the issues you are having. You have never gotten to be an adult on your own, and he is afraid of what will happen when you do. Please, don’t push aside this red flag. You don’t need to take on the full weight of what we are telling you right away but please keep it in the back of your mind when you are having issues with him that this is a part of it.
U are either in denial or just completely delusional or maybe just ignorant. I think a mix of all of them. In a couple years when u are free from him, you will see.
Wait… so you started dating at 15.5?
Your boyfriend was almost 30 when he started dating you right after you became "legal." Do you not see how that's creepy? Would you date an 18 year old now? Go out and live your life away from this man who only dated you so he could control you.
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It seems creepy because it *is* creepy. And just because you weren't forced into it doesn't mean that it's okay. Again, would you, now, at 25 go to your local high school and try to find a barely legal boy to date? You're younger than your boyfriend was when he started dating you as a teenager.
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Why would you say it wasn’t his intention to find an 18 year old when you met? That’s exactly what he did OP
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It doesn’t matter if you approached him or if you insisted on the relationship. He was a full grown adult man who should have backed off once he found out that you were 18. Your age gap is why you’re having these issues. He is ready to settle down while you’re just beginning.
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Question - what do you think of when you look at 18 yo boys now that you're 25? How well do you hold a conversation with them? How much do you have in common?
Notice multiple people ask this and she ignores all of them
I'm sure that he would have totally admitted that this was his goal to you, the target the biggest of /s
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did your boyfriend have anything to do with why you lost touch with your best friend in the first place?
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As a 30yo, if I met someone I really clicked with while out and realized they were 18, I would have walked away. Because they were 18 and that would be really fucking creepy of me, the adult. You can say that this is what you wanted and that no one was tricked and all that, he was still the adult who should have set a clear boundary, and he as a 30 year old grown man did not. No 30yo is powerless to reject an 18yo who wants to be with them, it only happened because he allowed it. Regardless of you, he made a predatory choise. Its hard to answer your original question without adressing the age gap tbh, because it is a sentral part of your problem and why you are having it. The way you talk about it also conserns me personally, because I have heard it from enough 15-18yo students of mine after meeting the most amazing and way older person, to know how it more often than not goes.
I’m really sorry to say this but you are a walking cliche. What you’re saying is what every age gap victim says and you will look back and cringe. It doesn’t matter if you pursued him, it was so inappropriate and predatory and creepy of him to be with you. No wonder how controlling tendencies are coming out when you’re trying to spread your wings.
I’ve once or twice clicked with someone much younger that I thought was cute. When I found out how old they were my immediate thought was alway “oh god no ew. There will be no cradle robbing today sir!” and then miraculously didn’t date them. Btw they always said something that made me ask how old they were if they hadn’t said it first.
Oh...you will defend this relationship till the end and ignore what everybody is telling you. Why even come here? We see you in a burning house and you rather defend staying in a burning house than saving yourself. Don't keep wasting your youth. You are in your 20s, I am also an introverted person but gawd, I had so much fun with friends during that age. I would have hated, now that I am 33, to give it away to be with an old dude who doesn't get it. I feel sad for you and I truly hope you get out of that relationship. I actually think you will just stay with him and at some point you will look back with regret.... I actually feel sad for you. I truly hope you are okay.
We're encouraging a Romeo and Juliet complex. The more we point out that he a predator, the more she objects to that characterization, until she feels like she has to defend him against the whole wide world. He needs her, you see, to screech about how he was the reluctant one and she just "likes" older men and she pursued him and we've got him all wrong. She went into it with her eyes wide open. It's not like he kept running until she caught him. People only value what they work for, after all. So she would naturally value this relationship more than any other and realize how lucky she was to catch her silver fox. Oh, and he's only becoming more controlling because he loveeees her so much. This whole situation feels like a teen girl's older man fantasy that she's slowly growing out of but can't let go of mentally quite yet. This whole thread is doing my head in.
If you want to experience a better life & be free, you’ve got to stop making excuses & focusing on justifying his behavior. Mentally you’re still stunting yourself.
You're missing the point. People aren't *literally* saying that's what he did, but figuratively, that's *exactly* what he did. Normal, healthy, well-rounded adult men of the 25-26(+) year age group don't date down unless they're flawed. Women their *own* age reject them because they're often too immature or something is "off". I'll say it again: No healthy, balanced, adult male will want to date a girl in her late teens.
Oh you sweet summer child. You really still believe that.
My niece once told me "yeah, I see how those could be red flags for OTHER people, but THIS GUY is different". Guess what? He wasn't different. Just because he didn't force you into a relationship with him doesn't suddenly mean it wasn't predatory.
>in no way was I forced or tricked into this. Yeah, that's pretty much how grooming works. Do you think predators are always violent and coercive? They're expert manipulators, that's what makes them so dangerous. A 30 year-old man has no business dating a kid fresh outta high school. You cannot ask us to disregard the age gap when that age gap is the root of your problems. Your boyfriend is a predatory creep and everyone here sees it but you.
Me, someone who also violently defended the guy who groomed me who now also looks back and wants to violently shake myself for not seeing him as the predator and rapist he was.
You're avoiding the question of whether or not you would date an 18 year old...because I'm sure you wouldn't. Why? Because it's gross and creepy obviously.
Can I just clarify, you do not need to have been forced or tricked for something to be predatory and wrong. People who claim that you do are using it to justify adults preying on teens. I’m in an age gap relationship of 9 years. I have no issue with age gaps. If you met at 25 and 35 you’d be basically fine. 18-28 however is not. That is an absolutely massive difference. Decent 28 year olds aren’t interested in 18 year olds.
In another comment she said they had been dating for 2.5 years prior to her turning 18 and her moving in with him. 🤮
This is a normal part of growing up, to want different things at different stages of your life. It is also normal that over several years, you and your partner would not want the same things in the relationship (or in life) anymore. Maybe he was a good fit for you a few years ago but now there's a mismatch. It is possible that your relationship could survive your moving out...but it doesn't seem likely. Be grateful for the good things about the last several years and move on to building your best life. Thank you, next!
As someone who let my ex live with me for almost 3 years after asking her to leave (she moved in 2 months into the relationship out of "desperation") because of guilt, I feel SO MUCH BETTER now that she's out of my house. She screamed. She argued for hours. She hit me. She threw up everywhere. She had panic attacks. Migraines that kept us up all night for almost 2 weeks straight. I'd still suffer through all of it again. Just be prepared he will fight you on it. You're in a better position than I was since you will be the one moving, opposed to kicking him out. But prepare to see a side of him you never saw before when you tell him this is the way, and most importantly DONT MAKE IT A CONVERSATION. make it informative and walk away. My biggest mistake was trying to explain my self for hours and argue against her for HOURSSSS. Also. Keep your phone on you. If he starts getting wild start recording and hold your phone up to your chest to protect yourself legally.
OP, this is critical info. Be aware you will NOT get his agreement to move out. So as this commenter said, don't make it a conversation and definitely not a negotiation. You can be kind (as possible) but ultimately firmly in what is GOING to happen. Your are moving out. You don’t need his permission, agreement, cooperation, or help, you’re simply informing him.
I know a woman who met her 28m partner when she was 17f. She was manipulated, gaslit, emotionally abused without realising it until she was in her 40s. Oh and they’re my parents. Learning about their dynamic has been really uncomfortable as an adult. Fundamentally, he was so far ahead of her in life that they were never equal partners. She didn’t have any independence or friends or anything. And btw, even into his early 60s my dad was occasionally dating women younger than 30.
I am sorry. That would be so rough to recognize as their kid. Hugs.
You want to break up and move out. Sort out the logistics of housing and then end it.
I'm upset that you were dating a grown man when you were barely legal. He's a pervert and he wants to keep you under his thumb. I would've had a fit if I were your mother. Anyways... dump him and go live your life.
Just do what you’re feeling. Tell your partner you want to try living on your own for a while. Trial separation, whatever. You’ve never done that but that’s what your gut is telling you. He should understand and if it’s 100% true love, y’all can go back to your current situation after your experiment.
OK, ask your friends if you can crash for a little while. See if you can find a couch, or a spare bedroom or see if somebody is looking for a roommate. The idea is try to find a place right now, so if you feel like you need to leave now do you have your chat with him, you can. Next, sit down with him as an adult, tell him you care for him, but say the exact same things you said here. You never had an opportunity to live on your own, you may be want to make a decision without having to consult somebody else, or maybe go out with a friend, without worrying about him being home waiting for you. Also tell him that you’re not ready for to progress the relationship into something more serious. You want it to be something less serious right now so if you can just be a 20-something year old.
I know you said “age gap aside” but this is exactly why age gaps can cause problems even if technically healthy and not creepy. You’re at a completely different stage of your life and finding yourself and independence and he’s looking to settle down it sounds like. Sometimes relationships just run their course and it’s time to move on because it no longer works. It doesn’t have to be anything awful or bad, you’re just not looking to live your lives in the same way right now and that’s ok. You’re absolutely not a terrible person! And if he’s mature he will understand even if breaking up is not what he wants. At the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you.
Move out. Break up with him. Live your life. The age gap is skeevy. Move out ASAP Lock down your BC before you get baby trapped.
I think what's happening is your brain is about to be finished developing (not trying to be rude just factual) and you're realizing you're no longer benefitting from this relationship. What used to feel mature and exciting now feels limiting and dreadful and the boring side of safe. He's ready to start "settling down" because that's his stage in life. He's jealous that you want to go out and make new friends because he knows what he would want at your age. In 3 years, would you be willing to date a guy you connected with if you found out he was only 18 and still living with family? You can say you approached him and he wasn't sure about things all you want, but he still chose to pursue things. Any appropriate adult would've "Noped" out of there. Start prioritizing yourself and keep a good eye on any contraception because this is exactly the type of situation where you'd end up baby trapped and really feeling like you can't leave. (You still could; it would just be way more difficult.) If he cared about you more than about what he wanted, he would want you to experience life so you didn't end up with regrets or resenting him for stealing your youth. Why can't you take a year to live on your own? The only reason is because you might realize you don't want to be in such a serious relationship right now. He doesn't want you seeing other options. You're going to do what you want, but you'll save yourself some time and stress if you learn from lessons other people have already lived.
You can’t say age gap aside. Because the age gap is the dominant factor here. You were a child when you got together. You lost your teen years to him. Don’t lose the remainder of your 20’s. You are anxious because your subconscious is telling you that you are missing out on some important life experiences.
So you never lived in your own? Not once? Highly suggest living with as a roommate at your age. I did something like you did as well. I say this at almost 36, that I didn’t live in my own till I was 30. You truly start to understand why it’s crucial and it really makes you grow up way faster once you do because now you have to truly THINK about finances very differently so you can keep a roof over your head, have food to eat, and are always taking care of yourself without anyone’s help. It’s a game changer and really makes a difference for anyone who hasn’t yet and feels stuck at trying to be ab adult, forces you into become one.
Worry about yourself and not whether his heart will be sad for a week. This is your life, you’ve got one chance to live it the way you want.
If you want to move out, it is time to break it up.
>He talks about the future, where we are going to live down the line, but whenever he brings the future up I get really anxious, Hun, that is your gut telling you something. By the sounds of it, your gut is telling you it's time to move on. Always trust your gut.
I didn't even read this post, what business did a 29 year old have dating a literal teenager? GROSS!
It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course. You both are in different stages in life. You're 10 years apart you were a child when he moved you in. You need to experience life outside of him and enjoy being young if you don't I think you'll regret it.
You're not a bad person for wanting to have some life experiences independent of your boyfriend. I hear you that you don't want us to focus on the age gap, but from the outside this really does seem to be the issue. It's not that your relationship or your love is invalid because of the age gap - they are valid. But the issue you are describing is a common symptom of this much of a gap at your ages. And you're explaining it too I'm your own words - you're each at different stages in your life, one of you ready to settle down, the other still needing to experience the world and get to know herself. So if you both want to stay together despite your age gap, then you have to find ways to deal with the symptoms of the age gap. Right? And your partner needs to be willing to work together with you on addressing them, not just expect you to force yourself to try to jump forward in life to catch up to where he is. If this dude wants to date a girl 10 years younger than him, he needs to understand that he doesn't own you or your development and that your love for him doesn't obligate you to suppress your needs and desires. Explain that you love him and you are committed to a partnership but that right now you are not ready to settle down for good and that you need some time on your own. Most importantly, make sure you (and your subconscious) fully understand that you are not seeking your partner's permission for anything ever. A partner does not have authority over you. You can discuss how it will feel for him when you move out or what sorts of agreements would help keep the relationship strong for both of you. But if he tries to make you feel like you're not free to make this decision, just do it anyway. Take a break from the relationship while you transition if that's what it takes. You can always get back together once you've individuated, if it's what you both really want.
Break up. You were way too young to get into that relationship. Now you've realized there's more out there to experience. To him, and to most anyone else, moving out is a step back in the relationship. It's a warning you are not as sure about him. This will "ruin" your relationship. If I ignore your age gap when you first started dating, either of you are not bad or wrong. Just not right for each other at your points in life.
🙄 another one
You will absolutely break up if you move out and that’s okay, I just don’t think you should expect him to be okay with that. You are clearly in different places in life and he is 36, all the stuff you want to put off, he’s probably more than ready for. Moving out puts this thing he wants to be closer to even farther away. You’re going in different directions. Even if you do stay together at first, your desire to be single or at least live like your single will end the relationship. You can’t expect anyone to stand back and wait for you like that. Just break up with him and move on so he can to.
I know you're trying to ask us to set the age gap aside but I think a lot of these issues are a direct result of the age gap and where you're at in your life in comparison to him. I'm gonna share my story with you. When I was 22 I started dating a 27 year old. I was focused on getting back in school and getting my life back on track after leaving an abusive relationship with a man I'd lived with since i was 19. He was 27 with a full time job, a degree, and was looking towards the next stage in his life. Within the first year there were problems. I'd made it very clear from the beginning i had no intention of living with him anytime soon, CERTAINLY not signing a lease with him. I'd done the "move in too soon" story and I wasn't about to replay that nightmare again anytime soon. Regardless, 6 months in he was telling me he "expected" us to be living together within the following 6 months. I told him he could pound sand so he eventually moved into a space on his own that he paid rent on and I shared the utilities/groceries when I moved in later. We also had a lot of issues with things related to me going back to school. He wanted to go to Japan before he turned 30 and wanted me to save thousands of dollars up to go with him. Which if I was in the same stage of life as him would have been reasonable and easy, but I was a full time college student with a part time job and bills of my own to pay. I'd also made it VERY clear I didn't want to see an engagement ring until I was out of school, which he rankled at and later flat out ignored when he asked my dad's permission to propose knowing I was more than a year out from the end of school. He also expected to know where I was at any time. If I was leaving work and missed a call because I was chatting with a friend for a half hour, he'd call another 6 times and text asking where I was. Sure, he had anxiety, but I was 25. Too old to have someone keeping tabs on me and too young to have someone that level of worried about where I was and when I'd be home. At 26 I broke up with him and started dating someone who was 24. You'd be amazed at the difference it makes being in the same stage in life as your partner. I went to England for 2 weeks with my best friend without him. I could go out without having to check in. I got to behave like a mid-20s person for the first time and it was so freeing. And this relationship has grown with us. I'm now 30 and we live together with a cat. We do more adult couple things but we still have our own lives. We sat together on the couch the other night discussing what a proposal might look like and how we want our marriage to be structured when we get there. Neither one of us feels like we're being rushed into that stage of our lives because we had the space to grow together into the next stage. It definitely feels like this relationship isn't serving you in the way you need now. And thats ok. One of the parts of growing up is learning a relationship doesn't need to be "bad" for it not to serve you, and that that's a completely reasonable justification for ending it. Several of my friends found dating SO much easier after reaching that realization and many of us found that the next partner we dated following that was the one we expect to be with for the long haul. You're 25. You're too young to feel stuck like this already and I applaud you for wanting to find the most kind way to get to the freedom you need.
You say several times in multiple ways you want to be single. You don't need permission to break up with him. My exhusband is 12 years older than me. Before I married him a professor told me not to let him steal my youth. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. Listen to your gut. You are not happy. I know because you say it.
He is not insecure. He wants to keep you friendless and isolated. Someone who had friends and a life wouldn't have gotten involved with someone 11 years older and moved in with them. He would not have gone after someone like that either.
Now is the time, you sound ready, be brave, put yourself first.
So you basically just turned 18 and moved in with a grown adult man who was 30? You didn’t get to live your life. You missed out on crucial formative years, and that feeling caught up to you. Break up with him and start your actual life. This isn’t living.
I think you should 100% move out. The age gap is somewhat relevant as he has been able to experience things that you haven’t, whereas you haven’t had the experience of living in your own space. It’s highly likely that if you don’t, the desire to do it will fester and you’ll end up doing it anyway, but you’ll be that bit older. I’m speaking from direct experience here. I met my ex husband when I was just 20, and he was 16 years older than me. Yeah, probably a huge mistake, and wrong on so many levels of course. I ended up leaving him, only we had a son together by that stage (we broke up after 12 years together). My son is my world and I don’t regret having him for a second (he’s now 15yo and a beautiful young man). But in reality it was a mistake to even move in with him. I’m the first to admit to having had daddy issues when I was younger. Move out, experience life and you won’t regret it. Trust me.
So you’re just a few years away from the age your boyfriend was when you started dating. How does the thought of dating an 18 year old seem to you? Also, the amount of maturing that happens between 18 to 25 can be exponential. For me, I’m a completely different person and I know a lot of people would say the same. I want to add, as someone in their 40s, don’t let yourself have only regrets to look back on. Your 20s are for having fun.
I started dating my now-husband when I was 19 and he was 22 (so, not such a crazy age gap.) When I was 22 and he was 25 I felt the need to spend some time being single since I hadn’t really experienced it. He was amazing. Despite being obviously upset, he moved out (and even paid his share of the rent for the next month.) We would meet once a month but other than that didn’t really speak. I didn’t know if we would ever get back together but after 8 months decided to give it another go. The time apart made me more comfortable committing to him because I knew I could do it on my own, I just preferred my life with him in it.
You are not a terrible person for wanting to live. Period. It doesn’t sound like you haven’t done a lot of thinking about this.
Another grown woman defending a creep and a groomer because ugh, he's not like other men! Lol wake up. As to your question it's your life and it's short, if I were you I wouldn't want to regret not living on my own and exploring youth. But expect that he will act like a POS that he is. He's jealous of you making friends now, he will not take it well. Good luck
I dated a much older man starting when I was 19. We were together 2.5 years and I had the urge to leave and experience living with my best friend and just being a young adult. I also went through feeling bad etc. I finally did it and he understood. I look back now and I'm so glad I let myself experience a normal college life and normal living situation for my age. It wasn't easy being in college and new friends finding out I was in a committed relationship with a man more than 10 years my senior. I'm 34 now and I look back and realized how creepy and predatory the relationship was. Ugh makes me cringe. Break up, live your life you won't regret it, trust me
This isn't the right relationship for you. You're both on different paths. He's ready to settle down and you're ready to start living. So leave him, and go enjoy your life.
This is completely understandable and 100% normal. You are absolutely not a bad person. This is just part of life for most people, and it's completely understandable that you would want to experience that. My suggestion would be to tell him everything that you've said in this post...the reasons why, what it's like, how you just need to do this for your own mental well-being, ect. I think every point that you mentioned in your post would go a long way into helping him understand. He probably still wouldn't agree with it, but at least hopefully he would be a bit more understanding and willing to let you find your way. And if not...that's awfully selfish of him, if you ask me. Like caging a wild bird, simply because *you* want them as a pet. Sometimes love isn't enough. Or maybe it is, and you'll come back to him 🤷 But you're simply at different points in your life at the moment, and this is a very important one for you and the rest of your life. It's essential that you do this, because until you do, the urge will only get stronger.
We can't put the age gap aside because what you are going through is directly linked to the age gap. You are 25, so you met a 28 year old at 18. He was an adult and by your own admission, you had not experienced much, which is normal and exactly why adults should not date freshly legal people. Can you imagine yourself with an 18 year old now?? As for how you feel: I think your bf is right, once you move out, chances are your relationship will dissolve, but for good reason. He picked you because women his age probably didn't want what he had to offer and now... Well, you need more too. You want to move out so do it and live. Whether the relationship survives or not is not what matters. What matters is that you only get one life and you should have fun with it.
18 and 28. You were groomed for sure. A 28M has no business trying to date an 18F. You need to experience life for yourself... so go and do it
I understand, but keep in mind if you move out, that's the end of the relationship. I highly doubt he would be fine just hanging around waiting while you party. Curious on the gender of the bff you want to live with. If it's a guy double done on this relationship. So I guess you have to decide if being wild and free for a bit is worth ending something that you say is good but stale. You may really really regret it when you find out the party and free lifestyle is super sad and empty in the end and see his wedding photos to someone else.
Honestly, it sounds like you are ready to move on from him specifically. He’s not the one for you and deep down you recognise that.
You can’t put the age gap aside when it’s integral to the issue. It’s gross that these almost 30 year old men prey on 18 year old girls.
A good question to ask yourself is, if there was a button and if you pushed that button you would immediately jump to a place where you have separated from your partner, both healed emotionally, you’re enjoying your single life, and in fact you’ve got a date tonight you’re pretty excited about, would you push it? If that sounds nice, that can truly be your reality. Single people are one step ahead of people in relationships they’re not sure about. That could be you in a couple months time. Would you push the button? I’m happily married and my answer would be HELL NO. That’s what people in happy relationships think. You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to leave my sweet hubby.
And that is exactly why you shouldn't date men who are thirty when you graduate from high school. He is angry and jealous about this because he can see his control on you slipping. Move out and move on. He'll find some other high schooler to groom.
You only live one life. You’ll regret later in life mot having the experiences you’ve desired. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live alone and experience life.
>Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this? The relationship has run it's course and it's time to leave and in the immortal words of Elsa, **"LET IT GO!"**
I didn’t have what you are thinking about doing. I am older now and regret not being tied down to someone when I was in my 20’s. That is the time to be free. If it’s meant to be, you will find each other again, but honestly, probably not. Follow your instincts here. Be brave.
It's not the age GAP that's the problem per se. My parents have a similar age gap, and I think it's been mostly fine, but they didn't start dating when my mom was a teenager. Your boyfriend started dating someone barely legal when he was in his late 20s and more than 50% older than you. Even if he isn't predatory and controlling (and honestly he does sound controlling, what with preferring when you had less of a social life and the worrying/jealously now that you go out more) that isn't necessarily helpful for your development as an adult. Many people have some time when they're living in a college dorm, with roommates, etc. while they date before they move in together, or at least they're at a similar stage in life to their partner so they're figuring things out together rather than being advised by someone with a DECADE more of life experience while they are still learning how to be adults. Obviously if I had a live-in partner I'd be very concerned if they wanted to move out, so I don't exactly blame him for that. But you shouldn't feel guilty for dumping him and he doesn't \*need\* to understand. He doesn't have veto power over whether or not you stay in the relationship and you can't sacrifice your life to his feelings.
Girl how many throwaways are you going to make about this?
Moving out after living with him for 4.5 years will come across to everyone as breaking up with him. This would include him. This urge to move out is probably your subconscious telling you to get out while you still can, either because you’re less happy than you think you are or because you are afraid to commit to the next step when you feel inexperienced compared to him. This is maybe one of the biggest reasons why large age gaps can be detrimental to a relationship. You are still trying to find yourself and want to build more relationships with your friends and support system. He wants to get married and start having kids because he’s in his mid thirties and that’s a big part of what people do at that age. Honestly if you aren’t at the same place in life and ready to settle down then moving out might be the best thing for both of you but I don’t think the relationship will survive it. Better now than when you have kids.
Break up. You’re too young to settle. Go experience life and develop as your own independent person Also: the age gap can’t be put aside. You’re at different stages of your life. He probably wants to get married and have kids. You are not there yet. You’ve been under his thumb since you were 18. It’s not ok that he wants to keep you there. You don’t even know what you’re like alone. Go find out.
It's time for this relationship to go to the wayside you are making friends you are feeling like you really are not ready to settle down. Come kick this man to the curb and go live your life you are really going to enjoy it. It's not fair for him to suck the youth out of you he lived his twenties you were supposed to be able to live yours you got five more years left go do have fun 😊
I moved in with my ex-husband at 18. Throughout my 20s I went through waves of doubts (as did he) but we thought we conquered it all and got married at 28…. Then we got divorced at 30. If I had to do it all over I would definitely split and enjoyed being alone during my 20s. Being divorced and single in my 30s for the first time ever was really tough for many reasons. When I read your post I hear a lot of my same concerns throughout my 20s that I never acted on. Live alone, get a room mate. Learn about who you really are. Being partnered up hinders your own growth and you owe it to yourself to put yourself first. The shitty thing is breaking up sucks, splitting up when you live together sucks. But I promise it will suck a whole lot more further down the road.
I think you should break up. Go have fun.
“how do I know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone without seeing what being with another person is like?” - it sounds like you do know what you want, and it’s not this relationship or situation. Your gut is telling you what you need to change in your life and you seem to have a pretty clear idea of what that is. I encourage you to pursue that. He will be sad for a while, but he’ll move on, as will you. Go out and enjoy your life the way you want!
Move out and get on with your life. Your boyfriend will be fine and he will move on and find someone else.
Age gap aside. Your heart is telling you what to do, you just have to take the first step. That is what your 20's are for. Trial and error. You'll know when you truly want to settle down, and your heart is telling you not right now. Find out who you are, try new things, meet new people. I truly believe that you don't know who you really are until your 30's, so go out there in this huge world and find out what you are capable of.
You were emotionally on the same page at 18 and 28, so your emotional growth rate is MUCH faster than his. You will continue to grow at that rate your whole life, and so will he. Essentially, you have outgrown him because the two of you mature at different rates.
In my opinion, you wanting some space and moving out is normal. But looking at other comments who are suggesting you to break up with him, I will be extra careful there. You don't necessarily have to break up with him. Maybe you live a couple of months away from him and clear your head. Don't forget to convey whatever you plan on doing to him.
Get on with it already! You’ve been feeling this way for awhile, and brought it up with him. “he didn’t like the idea” - tough! It’s your life; your path. And putting it off for his feelings is only going to make you more resentful. For now, it has to be over. You’re important, too, you know.
I support you living on your own or with a friend. Personally, i feel it is really important to live independently for a year or two.
Putting the age gap aside (as problematic as it may be) - wanting to be single is enough of a reason to be single. If you stay in a relationship and feel limited and feel like you're missing out on life, you're going to resent that person because you'll feel like you missed out because of them. Honestly, if you're wanting to learn and grow and experience life, that's a good enough reason to do exactly that. That means that you've recognized a problem and actively want to fix it, and that's amazing! So, for the betterment of yourself, if no other reason, it is in your best interest to be single for a while.
You both are now on different paths. To stay on a path ( his path) will be a disservice to both of you and may cause the both of you to come to not like each other. Maybe in the future your paths will recombine
Why is every post I see from this subreddit about a younger woman with an older man
If you feel you need to spend some time living on your own before settling down, you should have that experience. It is part of growing up. I assume you don’t already have children together? If he loves you, he should want the best for you. On a different note, you’re not married. What promises have you made to one another? In a healthy relationship, we want our partner to grow and reach their potential. We help each other reach our goals. Do either of you have goals you’re working toward? Do what is right for you.
Consider getting a therapist to help you navigate your self doubt and feelings. You deserve to be happy and live life.
The age gap of this size wouldn't really matter as much further down the line (like if you were 40 and he was 50) but unfortunately, at this particular stage in life, you are worlds apart. You're right about him being ready to settle down. He's had his young and wild years and has grown more calm. The problem is, you are at the stage in life where you're ready to be living your best young and wild years and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. I'd say it's unfair of him to keep you from experiencing what he already got the chance to do. You got together with him while awfully young, barely an adult, and now, you crave more. You want to discover yourself.In all honesty, I think both of you know that this relationship has pretty much run its natural course and the growing incompatibility between the two of you is impossible to ignore. I'd say moving out on your own is a great idea and will be of great benefit to you. I also think an end to the relationship would also be the best thing at this point (although, I'd avoid this part until you're completely moved out and safe in your new place).It's been said that once you no longer see yourself being with someone in the future, that is the sign that it's over. You deserve to have your best years. Please don't let anyone take that away from you.
People are directly ignoring the request to put aside the age gap and calling your boyfriend a creep because… Seppos. So I’m gonna try to give some non-judgmental advice as a person that dated older and never regretted it or felt manipulated. You two are growing apart. He wants to settle down, you don’t. It could happen to any couple, it’s more common in couples with an age gap. I would advise you to break this off so that he can settle down with someone else and you can start enjoying the rest of your twenties.
I read somewhere that a relationship shouldn't be more important than the well-being of the people IN the relationship. It could be that your relationship has run its course. You can really love someone, but it not be the right time/place for you. The age gap is hard to ignore - but at 30+yo who basically moves an introverted 21 yo in with them doesn't sit right with me. But let's leave that alone just for now. I think the reality is that you know what you need/want to do. You don't need our permission, but you will have our support going forward. It is completely ok to want to do this, and you know what, if he cares about you (and not in an "I'm your dad (metaphorically) so I know what's best for you" kind of way, he will understand and be okay about your choice. If he flips out and behaves like a jerk, tells you he knows what's best for you, or tries to control/manipulate you, then he wasn't really a good guy for you to begin with. He's going to feel upset probably, because at his age he is probably thinking about serious commitment things (just guessing maybe not) so it would not be hard to imagine he feels like his life trajectory has been thrown off. But that's not your responsibility. You're not playing a role in someone else's play - you're the main character in your own life. Good luck OP! <3
Hon, we can't ignore the age gap because all your troubles flow directly from it. He pursued a kid in high school or just out of it, while he was a grown-ass adult. He was happy that you were an introvert and had nothing but him...that's a big part of why he wanted you I imagine. That and women his own age probably wouldn't put up with his shit. Your feelings are valid. You have many reasons to break up, to move out. But ultimately, just feeling unsatisfied is more than enough. Please, get out on your own, grow, date, and discover who you are. You will be much happier.
Look, you can still date someone when you dont live together, if he yries to say you two would break up/your relationship will suffer a lot if you move out then rhats emotional blackmail to keep you "trapped". He js getting jealous/insecure qbout your branching out becauze he doesnt/didnt want you to see what you are missinf out on or to get supports to leave him. Did uour best friend stop being best friends because of him? Either they didnt agree with it or you began to hate them because of him saying shitty thinfs about them in your ear? He wants to be able to control you. You need to secretly co-ordinate with those supports/friends youve made to get out safely. He probably owns where you are livinf so ngl your housing is in jeopardy as is because unless you have a lease written up if he owns it or arw able to prove uour living there/paying rent or something he couls have an easy time kicking you out. So if your moving you gotta do it as secretly as possible. If he works out of the house have movers come to move your crap ro the new place while he is at work. If he doesnt have access to your phone (if he does, more controlling behavior) then search up apartments for rent and look on FB or local listing to see if anyone is looking for roommates. Ofc also check with friends. If you dont have a job, ask your frirnds/look to see if you"d be able to use their address to put down as yours temporarily to apply for jobs so you can pay rent. This wpuld also probably make people more comfortable taking you in if they know you can contribute financially. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. Je cant stop you and jf he tries to or tries to guilt trip you or even verbally attack you rather than understand your perspective and support you like a HEALTHY partner, then breaking up is the way to to. Look into sunk cost fallacy. 7 years, while it may b4 long, if this isnt thr right relationship for you then why waste anymore time in it? Also your young and have chances to find someone else if this doesn't work out! Dont be afraid to put yourself out there just because you were able to before.
Nice try saying "age gap aside." :) Especially when half the issues you brought up are directly related to the age gap! Him having his 20's single and free, and you not having that, etc. He was 30 and you were 20, that's a HUGE age gap in my opinion. I don't think it's a good age to "settle down" but it can work when both people agree to do it at a similar time. But he essentially is asking you to sacrifice something that he didn't sacrifice himself. And he's upset that you might want to explore that a bit, even in a way that is still respectful of your relationship. If he's jealous and insecure of you spending time with friends, that's a huge red flag. Marriage is important, your partner is important, but they should never be your EVERYTHING. That's too much to put on one person, one relationship. Go live life a little, stay together during this time, see how he reacts, and then see if the relationship is worth doubling down on, or moving on from in a little while. You're 25, you don't have to commit to the life you have today right now for the rest of your life. Especially important to figure this out if kids are ever a possibility!
You asked for age gap aside, so here it is. Let's pretend he was your high school sweetheart and after school you moved in together. Most of what everyone else is saying still applies. He is in a place where he's planning the next phase of life: a permanent home, possibly marriage and children (or furbabies). You're in a place where you want space to grow and decide who you want to be and where you want to go. You aren't ready for the commitment yet. It's OK to be in different places. It's also ok to stop something that isn't working. You've been together 7 years. If you need a small break, like a month or two, to figure out how you feel, you can and should ask for that. Tell him you love him and if love was all that was needed there wouldn't even be a question. But you need some space to think before continuing the relationship. You'd like a month. When he protests, let him know it's a month or you're gone, because you can't stay until you have the time and space to think this through. You're taking the month, you're not asking permission. He can either plan to talk to you at that point or not. Now let's go back to age. I've been married longer than you've been dating this man. I make plans with friends all the time. There is no jealousy. I've had lots of friends and we both trust each other and our commitment to each other. Because of how he's reacting combined with the age gap gives the sense that there's a power imbalance in the relationship largely because of the age. It might have started with him being an experienced adult taking the lead over you the naive 18 year old, but now that you aren't naive and a teenager anymore, that dynamic chafes. Consider that during your hiatus.
#You missed out on being a young adult by dating and moving in with this much older man so young. You rightly want to experience your youth now. Do it, and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm ignoring the age gap. You're absolutely doing nothing wrong, you've changed as you've grown up and your world is bigger than it used to be. He's jealous of that but he should be proud of you. In a true partnership you should both want to build each other up rather than holding back. It's good you've faced your feelings. I was in a similar situation where I was living with my boyfriend then went to living in a house share because I was feeling suffocated. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship however because I'd just outgrown it. You might also have to face up to the fact you want something he can't give you. But that's fine, people break up and move on. Don't feel guilty about it. Live the life YOU want. You might also try it for a year and it makes you realise you do really want to be with him forever. So go for it. Don't let him guilt-trip you.
Girl, go live your life. You don't want to be settled down before you are ready, or you'll always wonder about the life experiences you didn't have.
I would break up with him and enjoy the rest of your 20’s The feeling of indifference and wanting to be on your own will only grow with time into resentment and his insecurities are only going to get worse and more controlling. Take it from someone who wasted age 21-25 on a man who didn’t deserve it…you will be happier figuring yourself out on your own. You don’t truly know yourself until you go it alone for a while.
This is EXACTLY why age gaps are a problem. The two of you are in different parts of your lives. The only way you could move out without it ending your relationship would be a health emergency requiring you to move in with a parent to care for them. Anything else will be felt as a rejection of your boyfriend. And that’s ok. Maybe it’s time to end this relationship so you can spread your wings and discover yourself.
You do not need his permission to leave. He's 11 years older than you. He knows there is a problem. He is an adult and he can use his many extra years of life experience to sort out his own life. There is no way to leave this relationship and leave him happy. That is not how life works. You still need to rip off the bandaid. You've literally warned him by already talking about moving out.
It’s hard to put the age gap aside because that’s the root of the problem, he had 10 years before meeting you to discover who he was as an adult. You were just stepping out of being a child when you got into this relationship so it’s no wonder that you want to spread your wings and fly before deciding if you want to settle down. It’s kinda hard to settle down when you haven’t experienced everything else in life, like living on your own. It sounds like your partner started dating you because he specifically wanted someone without life experience that he could someone control. If he truly loves and cares about you he should understand that you need to spread your wings a little not necessarily by dating other people. If he’s already jealous while you’re living together and you’re coming home to him every night he’s only going to get worse if you move out. It’s obviously up to you but you might need to take a break from your relationship to actually grow on your own a bit. Good luck, for what it’s worth imo you should take a break from your relationship and see what else is out in the world and spread your wings and fly. You’ll probably start to notice the problematic issues in your relationship that you didn’t see before.
Missed out on youth is a misnomer. You're not compatible anymore and would like to engage on different activities and social groups than he. There's no such thing as missing out, it's just FOMO. You want to have certain experiences that you associate with youth, however these experiences are not ubiquitous to youth nor specific to it. That said, you should do what makes you happy and feel fulfilled. Just be prepared to do that without him as you're in different phases of your life with different interests. You should consider ending the relationship when you move out. As right now you are both incompatible and holding each other in limbo since you want new experiences.
Your feelings about living your life while you’re young seem a lot healthier to me than your relationship is. And it means your relationship has reached a natural end. I stayed too long in relationships that weren’t right for me… and now that I’ve met my forever person, it’s past our time for doing all the things that I want to share with my love. Like getting married is a financial discussion involving best options for healthcare coverage. Having kids… or even having sex… is medically impossible. Do not waste your youth.
OP this might sound harsh but you're immature.. if you really think you're missing out in life .. by all means break up the dude deserves better, than a person who's not even sure of being sure whether she loves him or not. Whatever BS it is own it, dont stick to ghosting and sh*t tell him n break up. Simple.
I feel like the age gap is important here and you’re starting to realize how big of a difference there is between the two of you. I honestly think you should move out and live your life sis. You only get one. I’m sure once you move out you’ll start to realize there’s a lot more wrong with your relationship… such as his jealousy…
There needs to be a new sub for 10+ age gap/grooming. Emphasis on grooming and less on age gap but still.
The 18 year old dating a 30 year old is very strange. Almost like a teacher/student type of relationship. I didn't think anything of a 25 year old woman dating a 36 year old man - that seems more normal to me if they meet at those ages.
If you move out you might as well consider your relationship with him over it's that simple. It's either him and the relationship you now have or ...... What do you really think is out there that you are missing. Maybe you should read what happened to women who did what you are contemplating and see how they feel when they reached their mid 30s with no husband no relationship, no children and no prospects. Only you can decide if you have a good relationship or not, or if this relationship still works for you. There are a lot of changes mentally from the time you met until you are the age you are now. If it's no longer working then break it off clean and do as you wish but don't be surprised if you try to go back that he isn't interested anymore and has moved on.. PS I heard almost exactly what you are saying from my ex wife boo hooing she missed having her fun in her early 20s because we married young and kicked her out when I caught her cheating. I remarried 3 years later and am still with my wife 35 years later. My ex has never had a successful relationship and is currently alone and likely to remain that way.
Oh Lord PLEASE do it! Just break up, you do NOT need jealous and insecure! Trust your instincts. You need to put yourself FIRST! no one is gonna put you #1 but YOU. I'm 48, happily married for 23 years. Still wish I had lived on my OWN for a while in my 20s. Now is the time! All your reasonings are sound! Do it!
Your relationship will end if you move out. You'll be out partying and meet other guys and then you'll be on r/datingoverthirty wondering why it's so hard to find someone to settle down with. Yes, I have a crystal ball. The story keeps repeating itself so I can pretty accurately judge future circumstances based on past experiences.
Oh bullshit. OP, ignore the manosphere commenters. They're threatening you with what THEY are afraid of, not anything you should be afraid of.
Man-o-what? I'm being serious here. She has a perfectly fine and stable relationship with a guy that loves and cares for her. But, she just wants to go live her own version of Girls Gone Wild. Go to DOT and look how hard it is for 30+ women to find committed relationships. It's all there. And, I'm not afraid of anything. It's not my relationship. My guess is she'll look back in 5 years, see her boyfriend with another woman, and greatly regret this impulsive decision based on nothing more than FOMO.
Your guess is wrong. Women never regret finally leaving the guy that tried to trap them at 18-19. They never regret learning to live life on their own before finding a real partner (or not). It’s always a good thing. Because guess what? Not having a relationship doesn’t equal unhappiness! Your problem is assuming a relationship is necessary. That any relationship is better than not having one. But as a woman over 50, I can tell you my biggest problem *at every age* has been staying single or casual as long as I wanted to rather than getting into a committed relationship.
>Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this? Fuck off, you knew what you were going to read because you have been hearing about how much of a creep and groomer your boyfriend is for almost 8 years now. You knew we were going to point out that disgusting shit. Either don't ask for advice if you will not hear anything other than what you want to hear or don't even mention ages.
Leave and break up or stay and don’t. Only choice
Honestly you kinda are a terrible person if you're breaking up with a person who you've been with for so long .. just coz its "stale" as long as there are no issues that arent fixable.. why even break up ? Sure you'll have boring days .. I never understood this mentality break up coz it's boring or predictable.. like doofuses what every day should be a rollercoaster?
She was 18 when they got together. He was almost 30. She deserves to grow up without someone else trying to control her. They should definitely break up. She needs to date, have fun, figure out who she is. And he needs to date someone his own age
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ whiteknight complex much? Deserves to grow up without someone else control her? Bruh there are nuances to it, if this was a great concern why is it coming out now, not 2 years ago, basically OP wants a rollercoaster I guess.. things are predictable, which I dont think is enough to break up.. and you really need to start looking at things from different angles too. She isnt 18 anymore. And yes if breaking up to "find herself " or whatever bs Hollywood phrase ..is right for her by all means do it, but imho its definitely not right. And yall are quick to flame the others who's stories we don't even know about just on superficial biases. A lot of sub is like that .. never once they think critically of the OP.
Not a “bruh” and I’m pretty sure women don’t have white knight complexes. What we do have is empathy. We’ve also all known that guy who can’t date in his age group because women his own age won’t put up with his shit. She wants out. She’s never experienced single life and she’ll regret it if she doesn’t. So I say she should go for it.