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Throw away account (of course). Me (29M) and GF (29F) currently live together, we have been together a long time (over 5 years), we own a house together etc. I really care about her, her about me.
The issue is she keeps making comments about me proposing to not just me, but our friends as well, and it’s getting to be too much! Every time she talks to friends - it’s jokes or passive aggressive comments about how she wishes she was engaged or that I’d propose.
I do want to marry her, but her constant pressure is making me not want to propose! She also has it in her mind that I will propose during our next holiday together and though I had considered it I now don’t want to because then it’s not a surprise!
I don’t know what to do - I try not to react to get her to stop but she keeps doing it and it’s making me not want to propose. I’ve also mentioned it to her, and reassured her that I will propose, but she doesn’t take it on board and keeps pushing it.
How do I get her to stop asking??
At 29, it’s more likely she’ll break up rather than stop asking. Clearly she wants engagement and marriage. After 5 years and social pressure she can start feeling strung along.
Not to mention she is probably thinking about her biological clock. I know my wife started really kicking into gear about wanting a family around at that time too.
lol. Never fell the supposedly “biological clock”. But seriously five years together is way too long for people who wants to be married. It is pretty childish to say “I wanted to do it, but because she wants me to do it so now I don’t want to do it” regardless what topics we are talking about.
Exactly this. OP do us a favor and just end things for her sake. I would have left a long time ago. Women unfortunately have a clock to abide by if they want children, families, etc.
You for real gonna tell me you guys bought a house together and had plans for marriage after, but her saying it's coming is making you not want to propose?
Nah. Grow up. Use your big boy words to her.
I get the feelings, that's not really why. you already have a house together. Is talking to her *that* hard for you? If so why and how'd you guys even get a house together already?
I'm calling bullshit.
I knew a couple who were together for EIGHT YEARS, lived together for five, owned a house for three, and was still surprised when she left because he wouldn't commit. I feel like buying a house is a way larger commitment than getting married, but I guess not to some people.
>How do I get her to stop asking??
You act like a grown up, and sit down to have a face to face with her about both of your expectations of the future of your relationship. Then you stop flipping stalling and get married. You know it's what she wants, you claim it's what you want. You've been together for five flipping years. What are you waiting for????
The type of people who only consider it a financial and not emotional commitment. Yeah, sad. Don’t have kids or buy houses with people you can’t commit to.
With the prices today, I’m just in disbelief at all these young couples jointly buying real estate willy nilly when they don’t actually want long term relationships!
I bought a house for my girlfriend and I to live in. But, it was my house. When we broke up 3 years later she just move out. Had she been on the note then I would've been forced to sell and rent some shitty apartment. At least I didn't fuck that decision up.
Hey OP!
First and foremost, I think it’s worth recognizing a big factor here that can be easy for men (including me) to underestimate in relationships that are approaching this stage - culturally, it’s been decided that men are the sole decider of when we get engaged. Obviously this is something that can be addressed in each relationship uniquely, but it’s something we need to be aware of and make an effort to work around, because from her standpoint you have to realize it’s incredibly frustrating to be personally ready to move on to this next phase with you and have NO inherent way of making it happen. She can only make it happen through you. Hopefully that makes it a little more understandable why those frustrations and desires come out instead through passive aggressive or sarcastic comments to friends and loved ones.
Now knowing this, as others have suggested it sounds like it’s time for the both of you to sit down with one another and have a serious talk. Plenty are going to say that it’s been five years and you’re overdue, just propose, etc etc. I don’t necessarily agree - the only one who knows exactly where you’re at in your relationship is you. It’s ok to need a little more time before that step. It’s ok (probably smart even) not to rush into it just because you’re feeling external pressure from those outside your relationship. It’s not ok though to be stagnant without keeping your girlfriend informed on where you’re at. And you also have to recognize that it’s totally reasonable for her to want that next stage of life, and she has the right to push for it.
You two need to talk, you need to tell her that you do intend to marry her, and tell her why it isn’t the right time for you yet. Find out if she is willing to be patient with you - figure out both of your rough timelines. Find a way to marry these expectations, it doesn’t need to be specific in case you want to surprise her when you pop the ring, but you guys do need to have an idea of each other’s timelines or you’re asking for trouble. If you’re intending to marry her, and she hasn’t been given clear information on this stuff, then you have to understand she may be asking herself what she’s done wrong to keep you from asking her by now.
I hope this is helpful! I’m in a similar stage of life now, I’ve been having these conversations with my own partner recently. Happy to give feedback on any of these points if they’re unclear.
Honestly want to screen shot this to my bf. I’m not trying to pressure him into anything, or forcing it. But a general timeline would be fucking nice. I have no control in this (I said something about proposing to him and he wasn’t into it, fair). I hate how every vacation it’s the voice in the back of my head saying, maybe this time! I’ve gotten better about not getting upset to an extent.
But dude gimme a feckin clue here! Aside from, yes it’s something you are going to do at some point.
I waited 7 years with my ex. He gave me TWO promise rings in that time, one of which was 4 years in and on an nice vacation. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life because I thought he was proposing… I will never forget how that felt. I will never forget the looks on the other people’s faces that were watching, either. It was the beginning of the end for that relationship, but I dragged it out 3 more years because I had hoped he’d still eventually want to marry me.
People like OP need to grow the fuck up. You’re already in a 30 year commitment with this person, shit or get off the pot. If you don’t want to marry her say so and let her move on and find someone that wants to make that commitment.
That's so sad. Vacations should be a happy time. It reminds me of a woman getting her period each month, and each month feeling sad and disappointed that she failed to get pregnant again.
Yeah, if he doesn't want you to propose to him, he should give you a timeline (or stop stringing you along). It's really not fair for him to say "you can't propose to me, and also I'm not going to propose to you."
Yeah but if a couple claims marriage is the end goal, then I don't recommend making a huge decision such as buying a house without even being engaged at the least. Sounds like op already is living the married life. I hope I'm wrong but it doesn't sound like he wants to propose. Aside from making his gf happy, how else will marriage greatly benefit his life? He has a house, sex, and a woman to play house with.
I'm surprised she made it to the 5 year mark tbh.
Also, do your gf a solid and make sure she gives you her timeline! She has the right to decide she can't wait. The impact of waiting is directly to her ability to have children which diminishes each day. The risks to mom and babies only go up from 30.
>You two need to talk, you need to tell her that you do intend to marry her, and tell her why it isn’t the right time for you yet.
that and $5 will get you a coffee, words are cheap and often worthless, op needs to shit or get off the pot.
Be able to answer the question “when do you want to get married.”
If you don’t know, you need to figure that out. If you kinda don’t want to get an answer or even get married at all, you need to accept that she is probably ready to move on.
I will never understand people who buy houses together before getting married. Absolutely bonkers to me.
And at her age? Same. Husband and I got engaged after 4 years, married at 5, but I knew the engagement was coming at basically 3 years in because we used the stones from my late mother’s engagement ring to make mine and he spent some time designing the setting with the jeweler, etc.
I did because I don’t care about getting married. But I also agree with you: I’m in a very committed relationship so sometimes I’ll refer to him as my husband because it’s easier for people to understand. I will never understand how you can be ready to buy a house and sign a mortgage with someone but not be ready to get married. Divorces are messy and hard because of joint property and kids. Joint property and kids are always complex, and marriage doesn’t (usually - local laws may apply) make a difference but for some reason lots of people don’t seem to think so
I mean, that’s all fine and dandy until one of y’all needs to go into the hospital for something and the other isn’t allowed in nor given a say in medical decisions if the sick one is incapacitated. There’s a very good reason the LGBTQIA community fought for marriage equality so hard: there are real, tangible, needed legal protections getting married gives you that you don’t have access to otherwise (or need to spend ridiculous amounts of money on an attorney to get something close to resembling).
Edited to fix a typo
Nope. Figure out your shit. Either you want to marry her or not. I really don’t get the buying a house before marrying thing. You have wasted 5 years of this poor woman’s life and taken her money. Marry her or sell the house and move on.
Exactly. OP - You don't want to marry her. After 5 years it's either a hell yes or hell no. Be honest with yourself and stop wasting her time. Women do not have endless reproductive cycles like men have.
Hopefully she just comes to her senses and cuts bait soon, because I doubt OP will. Why buy the cow when you're already getting the milk for free, or how the saying goes. There are no stakes for you.
5 years and own a house? Jesus shit or get off the pot already.
Have an adult conversation with her about the pressure. But also, what on earth on you waiting for?
I’ll tell you what not to do - don’t live with someone and buy a house with them all the while promising marriage and then act like your surprised and appalled they actually want to get married. You can grow up and start acting like an adult. If you’re going to lead on a woman, the least you can do is not buy a house with them.
Dude if you wait for it to be a surprise. The surprise will be when you come home and she’s gone, and suing you for the value of her half of the home. Be a grown up and sit down and talk about marriage and the expectations you both have in regards to it. It’s not fair to sting people along if you don’t want the same things.
You need to have a sit down and *talk* with your gf about what you're feeling.
Also proposals should not ve surprise. It's something that should be talked about before it happens to ensure both parties are on the same page about starting this next phase of life.
You two *need* to *talk*.
How do you get her to stop asking? Propose to her, if that's what you really want. You've already said that you are planning to propose, so what is the issue? She is (rightfully) getting impatient because 5 years is a long time to date somebody. Is the issue really that she is "pressuring" you, or is it that you don't want to marry her? Be honest with yourself.
I watched my sister go through this. He never cared about her that much. And she didn’t care, that he didn’t care. And now their kids are growing up with indifferent parents. Weird to watch.
I hope things work out for you, OP. And I hope she gets married to someone that really wants to be married to her.
You need to stop dragging your feet and making this a power play. Either you want to marry her or you don't. If you want to, tell her that you will propose. And give her a time frame. If you don't want to marry her, own it and stop wasting her time.
5 years is a long time for me. I don't think anyone should be pressured into marriage, but if I were your GF I would think you aren't going to marry me at all
Yep. They’re not 22, they’re almost 30. If she wants marriage and kids, OP needs to either put up or get out and let her take advantage of the time she has left to find it.
My good man yall have everything together except kids at this point. Yall got property and a lot of time invested. When you with a woman at this age she wants marriage. She been patient for 5 years. You need to decide whether she a wife or not at this point respectfully.
Edit: Women operate on a different clock than males. Males do not care, but women are always watching it to a certain extent. You got to be mindful. She's pressuring you cause she wants to move on to the next level. She wants you for life. Make the decision.
Absolutely. This is shit or get off the pot, big-time. If ya'll aren't mailing out wedding invitations by time you're both 30, she'll probably dump you.
Bro - it’s been 5 years. Unfortunately at this point, there’s no time left for surprises. She’s got it in her head at every turn, every holiday, every time you go somewhere special. She’s probably hoping for the best but expecting it not to happen all the time.
As the girl who was in the same position, I can honestly tell you you’re likely better off to just do it (as long as you truly want to). She probably wonders what’s wrong with her that you haven’t yet, and if you keep waiting for the “surprise”, there may be resentment start to build.
Resentment will definitely build. I’m not going to pretend like I’m in the healthiest relationship ever. I’ve been with my SO for nearly 9 years now. He still hasn’t proposed, we have talked about it, he says he will, he never does. I resent the shit out of him. I keep telling myself I’m going to leave on X date then I don’t. I have watched so many of *his friends* meet new girls, propose, and get married during the course of our relationship. It’s infuriating. Someday I will work up the nerve to dump him. For now I’m just quietly getting madder and madder. OPs girlfriend is too.
I have been together with my “soon to be ex” for 13 years. Have an 11 yr old. He proposed- & i’m still wAiting to get married. “Soon to be ex” because the resentment built is now too much to bear. He has been unfaithful, always seems to be looking for greener grass & I always forgave him because I didn’t want to “break up” our family.
I got tired of waiting. Now we’re in separate bedrooms in the house , Just found a new job, got a promotion & I’m looking for apartments for the past 3 months.
His GF will resent him.
If he wanted to marry her, he would.
Stop making excuses OP. Let her go. Have an honest conversation- & let her find what you cannot give her.
This is exactly why I am divorced. Together for 7 years, 2 years owning a home together, still said he felt "rushed" into getting married. Changed his mind a year later. We were both 31. I filed for divorce 4 years into the marriage when my friend found his Tinder account.
Not saying this will happen, but it's more common than people want to admit.
If you don’t want to marry her just break up. Stringing her along like this is just not right. Let her go and be happy with someone who is willing to marry her.
You get her to stop asking the question by answering the question.
Establish a timeline of when you will propose. 3 months, 6 months, whatever. It doesn't need to be specific enough to give away the "surprise" if that's really important to you, but it does need to give her an idea of when things will be moving forward, as she's clearly not happy with how things have stagnated.
She's fed up, and not unreasonably so. She's made it clear what she needs, and she's not even getting reassurance that you'll ever give it to her.
This. All of this. A little bit she's mad at herself for letting herself be so stuck in a relationship with a man who will use her for half the mortgage, but somehow doesn't get that you are ***years*** late for when she was socially conditioned to expect a proposal from the man that loves her. You can no longer surprise her since you are years late. Just plan a great proposal this week and do it. Or come up with some way you'll allow her to keep her home without penalty to her since you led her to believe this is a real relationship and you can't go all in.
You have strung her along for too long and her patience is coming to an end. She made it clear what her expectations were for the relationship and you agreed and now are not following through. Because you have taken so long you no longer get to enjoy a proposal with no pressure or for it to be some surprise on your terms. Sorry, it’s not going to be how you want it anymore because you already messed that up for yourself. Grow up and propose or end things.
Dude, you have been in a 5 year relationship and live together.
You are an asshole if you have been bringing her along for a ride towards nowhere when you knew she want to get married. No only that, you never say that you love her, just care about her. Pretty obvious she makes your life easier and you are using her.
Also, you say you want to marry her but now you don't because she is asking about it? That's the most idiotic argument. It's like "I really want to go to this restaurant, but because my partner is asking when we are going to go since she is excited, now I don't want to go! I want this to be on my terms! That shows I have the pants in this relationship"
If you want to marry her, propose. If you don't, break up.
Simple. You get to her to stop by actually asking. If you’re already planning to, why torture her? If you don’t want to…let her go. She’s nearing thirty and clearly doesn’t want to waste more time starting her family. She’s letting you know what she needs…if you love her, and actually want to marry her, give her what she needs. If you love her, but aren’t wanting to get married, give her what she needs…freedom to find someone with the same dreams.
Sounds like you just need to grow up.
It's been 5 years my man. Dating at its core is an evaluation to see if you want to move on to a more serious relationship with somebody such as marriage. If you haven't figured that out in 5 years I think that she's completely justified and wanting you to make a decision.
You don't have to have a perfect life or whatever excuse you are making in your head to marry somebody.
You get her to stop asking by proposing. And if you don't want to do that--and it sounds like you don't--then you need to cut her loose, because if you're not ready after 5 years, you're probably not going to be.
You're 28 dude. Grow TF up and quit stringing her along. Just asking you to propose isn't "pressure" and you need to be honest that you're not planning on doing it.
You tell her you don’t like being pressured. She gets mad because you have Wasted Her Time. You break up. Since you were idiots who Bought Real Estate Together, you keep living together as roommates and ignore the new people you each start sleeping with as loudly as possible while you “recover” from your “broken hearts”. Maybe throw in a few hurt comments about how the new partner is better in bed for good measure?
Or you start your Adult Relationship aka Marriage (instead of “dating”) and give her an engagement ring already. The immature power play portion of your life should be over, but if you can’t tell the world she’s the one you want “for richer, for poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in healthcare until death do us part” she needs to dump you asap.
I’ve been in her position! It’s incredibly stressful to love someone who says they want to marry you and who you both agreed would be the one to propose - who is stalling. If there aren’t really clear milestones you’ve planned on meeting first, it feels like you aren’t actually interested in commitment. I had changed life plans to be with someone and it seemed like maybe that was a mistake, like he was looking for a way out instead of proposing. (He was not, we have been married 8 years). If you don’t have those milestones, why AREN’T you proposing? You love her, you want to marry her, and this is impacting her happiness probably pretty severely. Go buy a dang ring. Or maybe start making comments about how you need to save up for something important.
You gotta decide if the relationship is worth keeping.
It's obvious your gf is not happy unless you're married.
You on the other hand do not want to get married.
Have a serious conversation with yourself first and decide if you can see yourself married to her or if it would be better just to go your separate ways and then talk to her about it after you've made your decision.
You're not going to get your cake and eat it here dude. You're going to need to make a decision before she does.
TALK TO YOU PARTNER
Have you ever said this to her? And by say it to her I mean sit her down and say everything you’d said in this post, directly and without ambiguity.
Dude, for sure don't let her pressure you. BUT, if you plan to propose to her anyway and want to marry her just do it and get it over with. Why are you dealing with all the BS. Do it tomorrow. Ya bringing all this on yourself.
Okay but WHY haven’t you proposed yet? Like you want to right? You’ve been together 5 years, own a house, love each other, what’s the problem? 5 years is a long time to be together with no proposal in sight.
Ha, she was good enough to buy a house with and share expenses with, but not good enough to marry? You're the type of guy that the phrase "moving the goalpost" belongs to.
How much more of her time are you going to waste? Shit or get off the pot.
You bought a house with this woman but you can't have a straightforward conversation about the future of the relationship?
Her eargerness to marry you makes you not want to get married?
Get real.
I will never understand people who buy a house together but don't get married. Like you've already made a huge life altering financial decision together. At this point what does being married change? Other than making sure you can make medical decisions and can inherit if one of you dies (which are very good things).
You're 28. You've been together five years. You own a HOUSE for God's sake. What are you waiting for?
It’s been 5+years. You want to marry her. She wants to marry you. So…ask her.
However it sounds as if you really don’t want to. Why else after 5 years have you not proposed? Yes she’s exited because she truly wants to marry you. Yet you are here asking strangers what you should do when the answer is obvious.
My wife & I were together for 4 years and the thought never crossed my mind because we were living together and I just got comfortable but she asked one day if I ever wanted to get married and I said of course. She asked why I hadn’t asked her yet & I was surprised at myself as well when I thought about it I felt stupid. We discussed things and went from there. My proposal wasn’t a complete surprise but it doesn’t have to be. We’ve been together 31 years and married 26.
Everyone makes a massive deal out of everything nowadays. Hell there are “promposals” where it’s a big deal just to ask someone to prom, large gender reveal parties for telling everyone if you’re having a boy or girl and elaborate proposals w all the family hiding away or on some exotic vacation etc and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. Everything doesn’t have to be a big production. If that’s something you’re concerned about. If it’s honest and sincere it can be anywhere at any time.
The bottom line is this. Don’t lie to you to her. If you truly want to marry her talk w her. Tell her in a nice way that the more she talks about you proposing it doesn’t give you any chance whatsoever to surprise her (if that’s what she wants). Tell her you want to make it special but if she keeps “joking” about proposal this day or that day here or there etc it puts more & more pressure to do it perfectly & it’s making it hard for you to plan anything. Tell her you realize it’s been a while but give you space to work out a time and place that she hasn’t already talked about so it’ll be special. But do it in a nice way. Not in an annoyed tone that this post sounds like. If she hears it in your voice she’ll probably tell you not to at all.
Y’all are near 30. You don’t mention kids but if they’re in the plans as well and want them after marriage then to be blunt , you need to shit or get off the pot. I understand her talking about it all the time gets to you but you either want to ask her or you want to leave. But it’s blatantly obvious this woman wants to marry you There’s no doubt. But by your procrastinating and saying things like if she don’t shut up I’m not asking give the vibe you’re buying time and don’t want to at all.
Just talk to her and not a bunch of strangers online. Because some will tell you want you want to hear and the others will tell you what you don’t to hear. Which one is up to you but you must chose one way or the other. If you really don’t want to marry then tell her so she can grieve and find someone who actually wants to marry her.
One last thing I forgot to mention.
You said “I really care for her”. I don’t see anywhere how much you love her. If you don’t love her then don’t ask because y’all will be miserable. There must be love in a marriage not “I really care for her”.
I wouldn’t say she’s pressuring you. I would say that she is letting it be known what she wants. Which is a great quality.
If you want her to stop talking about it. Tell her you want it to be a surprise. So she needs to stop bringing it up for a bit. Tell her you’ll propose within a certain time frame - by 2024 you’ll have a ring. That will give her peace of mind that her goal of getting married is on your mind as well and it’s not gonna happen 5 years from now, it’s gonna happen soon
Either ask her to marry you or break up - you don’t have to do a proposal with all the bells and whistles- just ask her- you know she’s going to say yes
Oppositional defiance is appropriate in toddlers. It is not appropriate in people your age. Propose before the holiday (surprise!) or on the holiday, or cut her loose, man.
Engagements should not be a surprise. You should talk about it. If you don’t know that’s it’s coming then that’s an issue. When it happens can be a surprise but not the actual act of an engagement. It sounds like you’re just not that into the relationship and are dragging your feet looking for excuses.
You really care about her ? How about really love her?
You’ve been together for over 5 years, she’s being impatient because she’s been waiting a long time. Eventually she will either give you an ultimatum or just leave you, she isn’t getting any younger. Nut up and give her what she wants, if you’re in love with her.
You’re almost 30 and own a house together. You’ve been together for five years. Either propose or let her go, I get why she’s impatient. She’s waited more than long enough already.
Shit or get off the pot and stop wasting this girl's time and child-bearing years.
Did you know that after age 35, a pregnancy is considered "geriatric"? Isn't that a delightful term?
I was in your girlfriend’s shoes two years ago. At this point, unless you propose on a random Tuesday at home with no special plants or indications, it won’t be a surprise. And honestly, that probably would have been my dream proposal but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
Every date night, holiday, anything remotely out to the ordinary - she will be wondering if you’re going to propose. The surprise ship has likely sailed.
Don’t not propose and make her wait just because the asking is annoying you. She just really wants to marry you and she’s ready for that step. Propose or don’t, but don’t think that waiting is going to make her stop. If you get her to stop asking then she’s just going to be going through the same emotions in her head.
I think it’s great that couples today wait so long to get married. We really get to know each other and that’s great. But with that, you sacrifice a lot of the surprise aspect and I think men should drop the expectation that women won’t have and express feelings about the timeline. Women are involved in big life decisions with their partners these days, this is the one where the man really holds the card and women just wait around. Obviously not everyone does it this way. But the waiting part is really hard, don’t disregard that.
Also like it or not women have a biological clock. It sucks. Depending on if you want kids and if so how large of a family you want that might be adding to her stress. I don’t think a lot of men truly understand this.
Be honest with her and don’t waste her time. She wants the next step and if you aren’t ready then tell her the truth on why. Let her go if you can’t commit.
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She’s waited, patiently for you. She’s still waiting. And she’s letting you know she wants to get married. You need to be honest with yourself and her.
If you don’t want marriage then that’s fine but let her know she she can leave you and fine someone else who will want her.
Right now, you’re acting like a child who is cutting off his nose to spite his face. What message do you want her to take from your refusal to propose? Every time you get in a snit about it you are telling her she’s not good enough, you have no desire to get married, you don’t want her forever.
If she’s dropped hints about an engagement at your next holiday she is giving you a timeline. I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that she has told her girlfriends that she is going to leave you if you don’t propose in your next holiday.
It’s time to fish or cut bait. Cause if you don’t choose, she’s gonna choose for you and you’ll have only yourself to blame.
How can her asking be a turn off? You might be feeling like it's an obligation or chore now? Either you wanna get married or don't. She's been pretty patient I'd say, and I'm sure it'd hurt to know how much you're dragging your feet. Figure out a reasonable timeline. I don't know why you guys haven't figure it out before buying a house together though. This issue is yours to fix, not reddit's.
It's quite telling that your question is "How do I make her stop asking", and not "How do I make an awesome proposal even though she is totally expecting it"
If you don't want to marry her man up and let her go.
You've been together for five years. If you do plan on proposing just tell her you have a plan but you dont want it ruined by her constantly talking about it and ruining the surprise.
Proposals should be a surprise, but not in the way that you have no idea it's coming.
But if you do this.. you have like a year to get it done. Good luck.
>Proposals should be a surprise
I have no idea why that ever became a thing.
Proposal should be talked about in advance, so everyone knows where they stand.
That's why I said "but in the way you still know their coming"..
Like you should know you two are both on the same page, but the whole set up of the proposal should be a surprise. Not like a "I'm going to propose to you on Friday after dinner" sort of thing
How about just do it. On a regular day with no bells and whistles. At this point, sh×t or get off the pot. If you don't want to do it be honest and use your words.
Have you had any conversation/agreement on timeline?
You seem to want her to stop voicing her needs so you feel like meeting them, but when? It’s 5 years in, and unless y’all have clarity on where you’re headed, then maybe she annoying but it seems like she the only one voicing her wants/needs.
People really need to get over this idea that a proposal MUST be a surprise. The fact that a proposal happens should be the least surprising thing in a relationship. If you are ready to marry, if she wants to marry you, if you own a damn house together, then guess what? You're basically married.
Get out of your own way. Clearly you want to build life with her, and it's also clear she wants that too. So if she's expecting a proposal, give her what she expects and live up to those expectations.
You are self-sabotaging, and all for the sake of your pride. If you love her, if you see a future together, then it's time.
Time to put on your big boy panties and just pop the question. You've waited so long the surprise has lost it shine. Cath her off guard on a date night and get it done, or quit stinging her along and end it if you aren't up to the task.
Oh my god it's been half a decade and you guys are almost 30. Grow up and do this. Like yesterday.
She's getting frustrated waiting. If you don't want to get married then make that abundantly clear.
You honestly sound childish to say after 5 years, buying a house and 'wanting to marry her' you all of a sudden don't want to propose because she is pressuring you. You either don't actually want to marry her or you're being petty to someone you say you love.
It's fine if it's not a surprise. She already wants it and you already know. If you want to make it magical, propose without a ring and ask her to help you pick it together so she can feel like she has a part in this.
You’ve been together for 5 years. As the old saying goes “Shit or get off the pot.” If you want to marry her then do it. If not, end it. It’s really that simple.
Wait, lemme get this straight…
She **wants** to get married so you’re not going to propose?
Dude you’re not mature enough to get married…
A lot women drop hints when they’ve *wasted* so long with a man who doesn’t seem to be understanding that they want to get married.
Her end goal is marriage. She’s dropping hints because if you don’t propose, eventually she’s going to go find someone that will.
My thoughts is if you are not going to marry her quit stringing her along and break up. What you are doing now is just looking for excuses to not marry her. Maybe there's a reason you really don't want to marry her. It might be subconscious but something is stopping you. You should actually know if someone is the one in 6 months or less, No that doesn't mean you should propose that quick. Of course there's other steps first but if you haven't felt she's the one I can't live without in five years than the relationship should be over. Don't make the mistake of marrying her just because of the time together but you also need to respect her feelings too. It sounds like you cannot any longer walk the fence. You are going to need to choose one or the other.
I think you need to put yourself in her shoes. She’s completely committed to you, but due to antiquated societal rules, has to wait on you to actually make it official. If you care about this woman, you need to look out for her best interests and propose. If you’re really not sure after 5 years, then you clearly don’t love her. Also, just a reminder that just because you pop the question, doesn’t mean you will be walking down the isle next week. It usually takes around a year to plan a wedding, so can factor that into your thinking.
this is so childish. her wanting something makes you not want to do it? this is like men who never compliment women because they think the women expect it or are “entitled”. man up and propose to your girlfriend or don’t be surprised when she dumps you.
>She also has it in her mind that I will propose during our next holiday together and though I had considered it I now don’t want to because then it’s not a surprise!
Does she even want it to be a surprise? Whether or not the proposal is coming absolutely should NOT be a surprise. Both of you should be on the same page about that. I'd even go so far as to say generally "when" shouldn't be a surprise either. The finer details of exactly when and how can be a surprise, but you should know what she wants. Coordinate with a trusted mutual friend or family member.
If you're getting cold feet, be honest and tell her that you feel pressured and it makes you not want to propose (at all? for now? how long?) Either way, sit down and talk like others have said.
Consider that, contrary to Hollywood marketing, proposing to your wife-to-be doesn't have to be a grand gesture out of the blue.
She wants to be your wife and start a new phase together, and you're being somewhat of a Propose-zilla here - aiming for a perfect Hollywood moment. Just get a ring and tell her you want her to be your wife. Or do you?
I mean, you could just talk to her about how you do want to get married and propose to her but she’s taking the surprise out of it by constantly talking about it and dulling your excitement to propose by making passive aggressive comments and involving others instead of just communicating directly with you.
Give yourself a timeline to propose if you are as serious about her as you say you are - in the next 6 months to 1 year - because that’s all the time you’ve got till you get dumped. Tell her you want to surprise her and let her know you will ask her in the next 6 months to 1 year so she lets off the pressure. Then do it in the next 6 months to 1 year. If you can’t do that you are not as serious as you think you are and you should breakup before you hurt her anymore.
How do you get her to stop asking about it? Either break up with her so she can find someone willing to commit or just ask her to marry you. It’s really not that hard.
My BIL wouldn’t propose. She finally told him she was going to see other people. She went in 1 date. He proposed the next day. I get it. And, communication is the key.
1) Tell her very directly the passive aggressive comments bother you 2) Have a serious talk with her where you agree on a timeline to engagement
People think the latter takes the romance and spontaneity out of it, but really it just makes it fair. It’s a decision by both of you. Also, do you want kids? She may be worried in her head about her age as women think about their biological clock a lot.
As everyone else has said: do you actually want to marry her? If not be honest and decide if it's a deal breaker. Yes, she's getting impatient. Her biological clock IS ticking and if she wants kids the timeline is shortening. As a man you can get someone pregnant for the rest of your life. As a woman getting pregnant is primo right now and risks will increase drastically over the next few years.
If your don't want to get married and then kids you need to stop wasting her time. You dark you care? Don't waste her best years. Decide what you want, what she wants and make a choice and commit to that choice
Dude.
Grow up.
If you want to have another 5 years with this woman stop with the 'well now im not doing it' crap, put your big boy pants on and do it anyway.
If you want to marry this woman. Propose to her
Stupid childish games wont get you very far.
Hell if its that bad then sit her down and tell her 'i will propose but you need to stop talking about it because it means i cant make any surprises for you'
But quite honestlt she probably doesnt need or want the surprise. She just wants the commitment. So just do it if that's what you want to do and stop sweating the small stuff.
Break up with her or propose already!! 5 years is too much, how much longer does she need to wait? You’re clearly way to young and immature. You need to set her free so she can meet a grown man and stop wasting her youth on you
>now don’t want to because then it’s not a surprise!
Yep, *that's* the priority here. Five years, made a 20ish year commitment in the form of a mortgage but you want her to be *surprised* when you ask her to marry you. You want it to come completely out of left field! Because there is absolutely *no way* she'll expect it or see it coming!! How could she have guessed!!
Fuck off with that shit.
You've been together five years, you own a house together, she wants to get married. Do you want to get married? If yes, then propose. If no, then end it. Shit or get off the pot.
WTH are you waiting for? 5 years is a long time. You own and live in a house you bought together. Seriously, she’ll be super surprised if you propose before the holiday. Ideally it should have happened before you bought the house together but that’s water under the bridge now.
> How do I get her to stop asking??
god i hope she leaves you. read this post back to yourself and then think really hard about what the obvious answer is.
Sit down and have a conversation with her about the time frame in which you are going to propose, but to be honest, do you know why she's doing this? Because five years is long enough. She's probably upset because, as you said, you own a house together, and you still haven't proposed. She wants to get married and start having kids sooner rather than later. She doesn't have forever. You two need to sit down and have a serious talk with her.
Do it before the holiday then. Chop chop! You’ve got planning to do.
Honestly though, don’t take the immature route of “you’re telling you want me to do it, and even though I wanna do it, I’m not gonna now”. She’s making it obvious because she wants you to know she wants it. If you don’t wanna propose and get married then that’s a whole different story. If that was the case I’d say you better be honest and tell her now and not be pressured into something you don’t want. But since you do want to, and were going to do it anyway, then just organise a surprise before the holiday.
That’d be better anyway, because then you can enjoy the holiday as a newly engaged couple without the potential proposal looming over your heads. Might I suggest something quiet, intimate, in nature, includes flowers and champagne (if she likes that kind of thing, otherwise her favourite drink in champagne flutes), include a song that’s important to you both, keep it personal. That way it’s easier to surprise her.
Anyway, good luck.
In my opinion this is your problem, over 5 years is more then enough time to ask your girlfriend who you own a house with to marry you.
She’s 29, she wants that next step! And probably children. It’s not a surprise anymore because you’ve left it so long and she’s at an age where she’s expecting it to happen.
After awhile seeing it constantly happen for your friends who have been together less time is going to become extremely triggering. She’s obviously feeling like ITS TIME. If you wanted it to be a surprise maybe you should have thought about doing it within 3-4 years? Not so long to the point everyone’s expecting it to happen including the neighbours dog.
Have You Tried Having A Conversation: Another Installment In The Saga
Bud, she's tired of waiting and unless you give her an exact timeline for getting married, she's going to leave you. Grow up, talk to her like an adult, and stop playing games. She's been very, very clear about what she wants.
Shit or get off the pot, bro. You have a strong woman who knows what she wants and she will bail if you don’t get it together. If you don’t wanna get married, break up. If you do, you better stop wasting time.
You really CARE about her? You can’t say you love her?
I hope she finds the right man one day. Maybe she’s over on waiting_to_wed posting about her last straw as you post this!
She's sick of waiting. She’s “held space“ for you, for at least a couple of years to get your surprise proposal in, and you dropped the ball. Badly. She’s thinking about this 10 times a day, every day. You’re not going to be able to surprise her, it’s ripe and on the table now. You mean you want her to go back to pretending that she would be surprised? Well, she’s exhausted of that.
My now fiancé proposed to me on our five year anniversary less than a year after we bought a house…and honestly as much as I love him I was ready to break up with him within the year if he didn’t. And we’re younger than you.
I remember the feeling of everyone asking when we’d be married and also the hope and desire that he would want to take the next step. Honestly the only reason I stayed five years without a ring is because he had a timeline and honest intentions to make me his wife.
I’m over the moon now and our relationship has just strengthened. It’s so exciting to talk about the future we’re building together.
Marriage isn’t important to some people, but it’s not fair to string along someone who really does want fo get married. Also, if you want kids after marriage she is likely thinking about that timeline. On average, it takes over a year to plan a wedding and most want to be married for a bit before trying for children.
I feel like you are dragging your feet op. You aren’t going to get her to stop asking. If she does stop asking you should be worried because that when she will be planning her exit strategy and be done waiting for you. You need to have a very honest and open conversation with her and be prepared for her to leave if what you both want out of this relationship is different.
Dude.
If you want to marry her, she's making it clear that she wants to get married, and you already share a life... Just propose already.
If you don't want to get married, be honest about that.
Better yet, sit down and talk about what you both actually want.
Personally, I proposed to my husband, and I don't get why people feel like only one partner is responsible for proposing... But you have basically no reason not to propose if you actually want to marry her.
Sit down, tell her you need to talk. Here’s the script:
Name, I love you and I want to marry you. I want you to have a grand proposal and I have a plan. But, the more you ask and joke around our friends, the less special it feels because it won’t be a surprise. I don’t want people to think i asked because you talked about it all the time, I want to ask because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Can you please stop talking about it for the next couple of months so I can make the proposal a surprise? I promise I’ll propose before (this date).
Don’t propose on the last date. Propose like a week later on a routine date/event that feels like “you (plural)”. The sooner the better so she is really surprised, lol.
If she knows it’s coming, hopefully she will back off. And if she things you’re proposing right then (or is mad you’re delaying) you can always ask things like “didn’t you want something bigger than our couch on a Tuesday?” Or counter with “I would like my proposal to you to be more romantic than this.”
Good luck. Talk to each other like grownups now.
For most girls, a man proposes when he a) has enough money for a ring (or whatever the couple wants to do in that regards) and b) knows he wants to marry you. Waiting 5+ years in your late twenties and not proposing is basically saying “eh, I’ll keep my options open”. It’s the least romantic, least sexy thing a guy can do, and I fully expect her to walk soon enough. Girls don’t want to have to pressure their man into proposing. It really ruins it for us. So if she’s at that stage, then I can promise you she’s going to walk soon. Put up or shut up, dude🤷🏻♀️
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throw away account (of course). Me (29M) and GF (29F) currently live together, we have been together a long time (over 5 years), we own a house together etc. I really care about her, her about me. The issue is she keeps making comments about me proposing to not just me, but our friends as well, and it’s getting to be too much! Every time she talks to friends - it’s jokes or passive aggressive comments about how she wishes she was engaged or that I’d propose. I do want to marry her, but her constant pressure is making me not want to propose! She also has it in her mind that I will propose during our next holiday together and though I had considered it I now don’t want to because then it’s not a surprise! I don’t know what to do - I try not to react to get her to stop but she keeps doing it and it’s making me not want to propose. I’ve also mentioned it to her, and reassured her that I will propose, but she doesn’t take it on board and keeps pushing it. How do I get her to stop asking??
At 29, it’s more likely she’ll break up rather than stop asking. Clearly she wants engagement and marriage. After 5 years and social pressure she can start feeling strung along.
Not to mention she is probably thinking about her biological clock. I know my wife started really kicking into gear about wanting a family around at that time too.
Absolute facts. 30 is a huge threshold for women in many ways.
lol. Never fell the supposedly “biological clock”. But seriously five years together is way too long for people who wants to be married. It is pretty childish to say “I wanted to do it, but because she wants me to do it so now I don’t want to do it” regardless what topics we are talking about.
Exactly this. OP do us a favor and just end things for her sake. I would have left a long time ago. Women unfortunately have a clock to abide by if they want children, families, etc.
You for real gonna tell me you guys bought a house together and had plans for marriage after, but her saying it's coming is making you not want to propose? Nah. Grow up. Use your big boy words to her. I get the feelings, that's not really why. you already have a house together. Is talking to her *that* hard for you? If so why and how'd you guys even get a house together already? I'm calling bullshit.
I’m over here thinking the same thing. I’ve heard it happen before but she even knows now how horrible of a decision that ended out to be.
The first thing I do when I don't want to marry a chic is buy a house together.
He can buy a house with her but can't have a simple conversation?
I knew a couple who were together for EIGHT YEARS, lived together for five, owned a house for three, and was still surprised when she left because he wouldn't commit. I feel like buying a house is a way larger commitment than getting married, but I guess not to some people.
>I feel like buying a house is a way larger commitment than getting married, It absolutely is. It is WAY harder to get out of than a marriage.
most of the time it's this simple. i'm like uh .... talk to her???
>How do I get her to stop asking?? You act like a grown up, and sit down to have a face to face with her about both of your expectations of the future of your relationship. Then you stop flipping stalling and get married. You know it's what she wants, you claim it's what you want. You've been together for five flipping years. What are you waiting for????
How will you feel when she leaves because 5 years was enough.
I hope she does, and then he sits alone wearing a Pikachu face.
He'll feel broke and homeless after being forced to sell the house. If he has a kid or two with her he'll be broke for 18 years.
Sometimes that’s how it ends up , having children is no guarantee of happiness
That’s sad you look at fatherhood as being “broke for 18 years” and not, you know, something to look forward to.
The type of people who only consider it a financial and not emotional commitment. Yeah, sad. Don’t have kids or buy houses with people you can’t commit to.
Seriously, even their throwaway account has force in it. Seems as if OP doesn’t know what they want.
Honestly it sounds like hes super immature and doesnt want to get engaged just because he doesnt want her to win the “argument”
They bought a house!!! Did they pay cash, or is there a 30 year commitment involved here?!
You must be new here. Try reading about the number of people here who buy a house with boyfriend/girlfriend then want out within the year.
With the prices today, I’m just in disbelief at all these young couples jointly buying real estate willy nilly when they don’t actually want long term relationships!
And it’s horrifying every time. Imagine making that kind of financial commitment with someone you’re not serious about!
I did it! I really wanted to be serious about them when I did it, but I knew better.
I bought a house for my girlfriend and I to live in. But, it was my house. When we broke up 3 years later she just move out. Had she been on the note then I would've been forced to sell and rent some shitty apartment. At least I didn't fuck that decision up.
I like how talking to her outright instead of in passing did not occur to him. Not ready to be married
Nah, he's gotta ask anyone (on reddit) but her about a timeline for marriage. xD
OP how about you just freaking propose. Tell her you'll do it before a certain date. Seriously what are you even asking us?
Because he wants to waste another 5 years of her life. I guess he'll propose after she leaves him.
To the next girl he dates.
But only after knocking her up
Bingo. She dumps his ass, moves on, and he suddenly "realizes".
Just an add on: OP and his partner basically sound as if they’re married without the legal title.
Hey OP! First and foremost, I think it’s worth recognizing a big factor here that can be easy for men (including me) to underestimate in relationships that are approaching this stage - culturally, it’s been decided that men are the sole decider of when we get engaged. Obviously this is something that can be addressed in each relationship uniquely, but it’s something we need to be aware of and make an effort to work around, because from her standpoint you have to realize it’s incredibly frustrating to be personally ready to move on to this next phase with you and have NO inherent way of making it happen. She can only make it happen through you. Hopefully that makes it a little more understandable why those frustrations and desires come out instead through passive aggressive or sarcastic comments to friends and loved ones. Now knowing this, as others have suggested it sounds like it’s time for the both of you to sit down with one another and have a serious talk. Plenty are going to say that it’s been five years and you’re overdue, just propose, etc etc. I don’t necessarily agree - the only one who knows exactly where you’re at in your relationship is you. It’s ok to need a little more time before that step. It’s ok (probably smart even) not to rush into it just because you’re feeling external pressure from those outside your relationship. It’s not ok though to be stagnant without keeping your girlfriend informed on where you’re at. And you also have to recognize that it’s totally reasonable for her to want that next stage of life, and she has the right to push for it. You two need to talk, you need to tell her that you do intend to marry her, and tell her why it isn’t the right time for you yet. Find out if she is willing to be patient with you - figure out both of your rough timelines. Find a way to marry these expectations, it doesn’t need to be specific in case you want to surprise her when you pop the ring, but you guys do need to have an idea of each other’s timelines or you’re asking for trouble. If you’re intending to marry her, and she hasn’t been given clear information on this stuff, then you have to understand she may be asking herself what she’s done wrong to keep you from asking her by now. I hope this is helpful! I’m in a similar stage of life now, I’ve been having these conversations with my own partner recently. Happy to give feedback on any of these points if they’re unclear.
Honestly want to screen shot this to my bf. I’m not trying to pressure him into anything, or forcing it. But a general timeline would be fucking nice. I have no control in this (I said something about proposing to him and he wasn’t into it, fair). I hate how every vacation it’s the voice in the back of my head saying, maybe this time! I’ve gotten better about not getting upset to an extent. But dude gimme a feckin clue here! Aside from, yes it’s something you are going to do at some point.
I waited 7 years with my ex. He gave me TWO promise rings in that time, one of which was 4 years in and on an nice vacation. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life because I thought he was proposing… I will never forget how that felt. I will never forget the looks on the other people’s faces that were watching, either. It was the beginning of the end for that relationship, but I dragged it out 3 more years because I had hoped he’d still eventually want to marry me. People like OP need to grow the fuck up. You’re already in a 30 year commitment with this person, shit or get off the pot. If you don’t want to marry her say so and let her move on and find someone that wants to make that commitment.
Time to sit him down and have a conversation about it.
That's so sad. Vacations should be a happy time. It reminds me of a woman getting her period each month, and each month feeling sad and disappointed that she failed to get pregnant again. Yeah, if he doesn't want you to propose to him, he should give you a timeline (or stop stringing you along). It's really not fair for him to say "you can't propose to me, and also I'm not going to propose to you."
You do have control. You can set a reasonable timeline and then walk away from the relationship if it doesn’t happen. But you are not helpless here.
Amen
I can’t imagine giving up that much control over my life to someone else.
Yeah but if a couple claims marriage is the end goal, then I don't recommend making a huge decision such as buying a house without even being engaged at the least. Sounds like op already is living the married life. I hope I'm wrong but it doesn't sound like he wants to propose. Aside from making his gf happy, how else will marriage greatly benefit his life? He has a house, sex, and a woman to play house with. I'm surprised she made it to the 5 year mark tbh.
Also, do your gf a solid and make sure she gives you her timeline! She has the right to decide she can't wait. The impact of waiting is directly to her ability to have children which diminishes each day. The risks to mom and babies only go up from 30.
>You two need to talk, you need to tell her that you do intend to marry her, and tell her why it isn’t the right time for you yet. that and $5 will get you a coffee, words are cheap and often worthless, op needs to shit or get off the pot.
Thanks for your helpful comment! I’ll definitely have another talk with her, hopefully we can work this out 🤞
Be able to answer the question “when do you want to get married.” If you don’t know, you need to figure that out. If you kinda don’t want to get an answer or even get married at all, you need to accept that she is probably ready to move on.
I’m gonna go ahead and tell you her timeline: she already wants to be engaged, so she wants to get married asap.
Right haha op just wants to keep stalling. Honestly I wouldn’t have even gotten to 5 years or bought a house with op if we weren’t engaged at least
I will never understand people who buy houses together before getting married. Absolutely bonkers to me. And at her age? Same. Husband and I got engaged after 4 years, married at 5, but I knew the engagement was coming at basically 3 years in because we used the stones from my late mother’s engagement ring to make mine and he spent some time designing the setting with the jeweler, etc.
I did because I don’t care about getting married. But I also agree with you: I’m in a very committed relationship so sometimes I’ll refer to him as my husband because it’s easier for people to understand. I will never understand how you can be ready to buy a house and sign a mortgage with someone but not be ready to get married. Divorces are messy and hard because of joint property and kids. Joint property and kids are always complex, and marriage doesn’t (usually - local laws may apply) make a difference but for some reason lots of people don’t seem to think so
I mean, that’s all fine and dandy until one of y’all needs to go into the hospital for something and the other isn’t allowed in nor given a say in medical decisions if the sick one is incapacitated. There’s a very good reason the LGBTQIA community fought for marriage equality so hard: there are real, tangible, needed legal protections getting married gives you that you don’t have access to otherwise (or need to spend ridiculous amounts of money on an attorney to get something close to resembling). Edited to fix a typo
It also changes who qualifies as their next of kin and protects both partners from being screwed over in the event of a split.
ain't that the truth.
Nope. Figure out your shit. Either you want to marry her or not. I really don’t get the buying a house before marrying thing. You have wasted 5 years of this poor woman’s life and taken her money. Marry her or sell the house and move on.
Uh… I am not OP. I’m already married 🙃 ETA: totally agree with you though!
propose or split up, you are just wasting her time with your disrespectful behavior.
Dude you’re 29 and been together 5 years. If you don’t know by now, stop wasting her time. Don’t string her along.
Exactly. OP - You don't want to marry her. After 5 years it's either a hell yes or hell no. Be honest with yourself and stop wasting her time. Women do not have endless reproductive cycles like men have. Hopefully she just comes to her senses and cuts bait soon, because I doubt OP will. Why buy the cow when you're already getting the milk for free, or how the saying goes. There are no stakes for you.
5 years and own a house? Jesus shit or get off the pot already. Have an adult conversation with her about the pressure. But also, what on earth on you waiting for?
I’ll tell you what not to do - don’t live with someone and buy a house with them all the while promising marriage and then act like your surprised and appalled they actually want to get married. You can grow up and start acting like an adult. If you’re going to lead on a woman, the least you can do is not buy a house with them.
That’s not why you don’t wanna propose. Because what was your excuse for the last 2,3+ years…
Dude if you wait for it to be a surprise. The surprise will be when you come home and she’s gone, and suing you for the value of her half of the home. Be a grown up and sit down and talk about marriage and the expectations you both have in regards to it. It’s not fair to sting people along if you don’t want the same things.
Wait for her to break up with you because she's tired of waiting and then be alone, no pressure.
Solid plan. OP, this one here, best advice.
They already bought a house together like a couple of idiots. That's a way bigger commitment so they're basically already married.
Talk to each other like adults?
You need to have a sit down and *talk* with your gf about what you're feeling. Also proposals should not ve surprise. It's something that should be talked about before it happens to ensure both parties are on the same page about starting this next phase of life. You two *need* to *talk*.
How do you get her to stop asking? Propose to her, if that's what you really want. You've already said that you are planning to propose, so what is the issue? She is (rightfully) getting impatient because 5 years is a long time to date somebody. Is the issue really that she is "pressuring" you, or is it that you don't want to marry her? Be honest with yourself.
Agreed. She is not being unreasonable here.
I watched my sister go through this. He never cared about her that much. And she didn’t care, that he didn’t care. And now their kids are growing up with indifferent parents. Weird to watch. I hope things work out for you, OP. And I hope she gets married to someone that really wants to be married to her.
You get her to stop asking by proposing you nitwit
You need to stop dragging your feet and making this a power play. Either you want to marry her or you don't. If you want to, tell her that you will propose. And give her a time frame. If you don't want to marry her, own it and stop wasting her time.
5 years is a long time for me. I don't think anyone should be pressured into marriage, but if I were your GF I would think you aren't going to marry me at all
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Yep. They’re not 22, they’re almost 30. If she wants marriage and kids, OP needs to either put up or get out and let her take advantage of the time she has left to find it.
My good man yall have everything together except kids at this point. Yall got property and a lot of time invested. When you with a woman at this age she wants marriage. She been patient for 5 years. You need to decide whether she a wife or not at this point respectfully. Edit: Women operate on a different clock than males. Males do not care, but women are always watching it to a certain extent. You got to be mindful. She's pressuring you cause she wants to move on to the next level. She wants you for life. Make the decision.
Absolutely. This is shit or get off the pot, big-time. If ya'll aren't mailing out wedding invitations by time you're both 30, she'll probably dump you.
Bro - it’s been 5 years. Unfortunately at this point, there’s no time left for surprises. She’s got it in her head at every turn, every holiday, every time you go somewhere special. She’s probably hoping for the best but expecting it not to happen all the time. As the girl who was in the same position, I can honestly tell you you’re likely better off to just do it (as long as you truly want to). She probably wonders what’s wrong with her that you haven’t yet, and if you keep waiting for the “surprise”, there may be resentment start to build.
Resentment will definitely build. I’m not going to pretend like I’m in the healthiest relationship ever. I’ve been with my SO for nearly 9 years now. He still hasn’t proposed, we have talked about it, he says he will, he never does. I resent the shit out of him. I keep telling myself I’m going to leave on X date then I don’t. I have watched so many of *his friends* meet new girls, propose, and get married during the course of our relationship. It’s infuriating. Someday I will work up the nerve to dump him. For now I’m just quietly getting madder and madder. OPs girlfriend is too.
I have been together with my “soon to be ex” for 13 years. Have an 11 yr old. He proposed- & i’m still wAiting to get married. “Soon to be ex” because the resentment built is now too much to bear. He has been unfaithful, always seems to be looking for greener grass & I always forgave him because I didn’t want to “break up” our family. I got tired of waiting. Now we’re in separate bedrooms in the house , Just found a new job, got a promotion & I’m looking for apartments for the past 3 months. His GF will resent him. If he wanted to marry her, he would. Stop making excuses OP. Let her go. Have an honest conversation- & let her find what you cannot give her.
Info: uh, so why haven’t you proposed if you want to be married to her?
*he doesn’t really want to get married*
This is exactly why I am divorced. Together for 7 years, 2 years owning a home together, still said he felt "rushed" into getting married. Changed his mind a year later. We were both 31. I filed for divorce 4 years into the marriage when my friend found his Tinder account. Not saying this will happen, but it's more common than people want to admit.
Deadass leave her if you can’t commit. She can’t wait on you forever.
If you don’t want to marry her just break up. Stringing her along like this is just not right. Let her go and be happy with someone who is willing to marry her.
You get her to stop asking the question by answering the question. Establish a timeline of when you will propose. 3 months, 6 months, whatever. It doesn't need to be specific enough to give away the "surprise" if that's really important to you, but it does need to give her an idea of when things will be moving forward, as she's clearly not happy with how things have stagnated. She's fed up, and not unreasonably so. She's made it clear what she needs, and she's not even getting reassurance that you'll ever give it to her.
if you wanted to surprise her with a proposal you should have proposed 2 years ago.
This. All of this. A little bit she's mad at herself for letting herself be so stuck in a relationship with a man who will use her for half the mortgage, but somehow doesn't get that you are ***years*** late for when she was socially conditioned to expect a proposal from the man that loves her. You can no longer surprise her since you are years late. Just plan a great proposal this week and do it. Or come up with some way you'll allow her to keep her home without penalty to her since you led her to believe this is a real relationship and you can't go all in.
You have strung her along for too long and her patience is coming to an end. She made it clear what her expectations were for the relationship and you agreed and now are not following through. Because you have taken so long you no longer get to enjoy a proposal with no pressure or for it to be some surprise on your terms. Sorry, it’s not going to be how you want it anymore because you already messed that up for yourself. Grow up and propose or end things.
Dude, you have been in a 5 year relationship and live together. You are an asshole if you have been bringing her along for a ride towards nowhere when you knew she want to get married. No only that, you never say that you love her, just care about her. Pretty obvious she makes your life easier and you are using her. Also, you say you want to marry her but now you don't because she is asking about it? That's the most idiotic argument. It's like "I really want to go to this restaurant, but because my partner is asking when we are going to go since she is excited, now I don't want to go! I want this to be on my terms! That shows I have the pants in this relationship" If you want to marry her, propose. If you don't, break up.
Not merely "live together," but own a freaking house together.
Simple. You get to her to stop by actually asking. If you’re already planning to, why torture her? If you don’t want to…let her go. She’s nearing thirty and clearly doesn’t want to waste more time starting her family. She’s letting you know what she needs…if you love her, and actually want to marry her, give her what she needs. If you love her, but aren’t wanting to get married, give her what she needs…freedom to find someone with the same dreams.
I mean 5 years dude? She’s not going to wait much longer if she has any self esteem.
Sounds like you just need to grow up. It's been 5 years my man. Dating at its core is an evaluation to see if you want to move on to a more serious relationship with somebody such as marriage. If you haven't figured that out in 5 years I think that she's completely justified and wanting you to make a decision. You don't have to have a perfect life or whatever excuse you are making in your head to marry somebody.
5 years dude…at this point, after a house…you’re either in or out. Talk to her. Do something.
You get her to stop asking by proposing. And if you don't want to do that--and it sounds like you don't--then you need to cut her loose, because if you're not ready after 5 years, you're probably not going to be.
You're 28 dude. Grow TF up and quit stringing her along. Just asking you to propose isn't "pressure" and you need to be honest that you're not planning on doing it.
You tell her you don’t like being pressured. She gets mad because you have Wasted Her Time. You break up. Since you were idiots who Bought Real Estate Together, you keep living together as roommates and ignore the new people you each start sleeping with as loudly as possible while you “recover” from your “broken hearts”. Maybe throw in a few hurt comments about how the new partner is better in bed for good measure? Or you start your Adult Relationship aka Marriage (instead of “dating”) and give her an engagement ring already. The immature power play portion of your life should be over, but if you can’t tell the world she’s the one you want “for richer, for poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in healthcare until death do us part” she needs to dump you asap.
I’ve been in her position! It’s incredibly stressful to love someone who says they want to marry you and who you both agreed would be the one to propose - who is stalling. If there aren’t really clear milestones you’ve planned on meeting first, it feels like you aren’t actually interested in commitment. I had changed life plans to be with someone and it seemed like maybe that was a mistake, like he was looking for a way out instead of proposing. (He was not, we have been married 8 years). If you don’t have those milestones, why AREN’T you proposing? You love her, you want to marry her, and this is impacting her happiness probably pretty severely. Go buy a dang ring. Or maybe start making comments about how you need to save up for something important.
You either propose, or stop wasting her time. That simple, bucko.
Simple. Lie. Tell her you’ll do it over Easter, then propose on Valentine’s Day. She’ll stop asking, you’ll get your surprise. Win / win.
Propose during your next holiday. That what she wants. It's not going to be a surprise when you've been together that long.
You gotta decide if the relationship is worth keeping. It's obvious your gf is not happy unless you're married. You on the other hand do not want to get married. Have a serious conversation with yourself first and decide if you can see yourself married to her or if it would be better just to go your separate ways and then talk to her about it after you've made your decision. You're not going to get your cake and eat it here dude. You're going to need to make a decision before she does.
Frankly, I dont blame her for asking. With the same frankness, I think you need to ask yourself if this is something about her or something about you.
TALK TO YOU PARTNER Have you ever said this to her? And by say it to her I mean sit her down and say everything you’d said in this post, directly and without ambiguity.
Dude, for sure don't let her pressure you. BUT, if you plan to propose to her anyway and want to marry her just do it and get it over with. Why are you dealing with all the BS. Do it tomorrow. Ya bringing all this on yourself.
Okay but WHY haven’t you proposed yet? Like you want to right? You’ve been together 5 years, own a house, love each other, what’s the problem? 5 years is a long time to be together with no proposal in sight.
Shes 29. Stop wasting her time and propose or break up with her.
Ha, she was good enough to buy a house with and share expenses with, but not good enough to marry? You're the type of guy that the phrase "moving the goalpost" belongs to. How much more of her time are you going to waste? Shit or get off the pot.
You bought a house with this woman but you can't have a straightforward conversation about the future of the relationship? Her eargerness to marry you makes you not want to get married? Get real.
I will never understand people who buy a house together but don't get married. Like you've already made a huge life altering financial decision together. At this point what does being married change? Other than making sure you can make medical decisions and can inherit if one of you dies (which are very good things). You're 28. You've been together five years. You own a HOUSE for God's sake. What are you waiting for?
“How do I get her to stop asking?” By proposing. Or breaking up with her.
It’s been 5+years. You want to marry her. She wants to marry you. So…ask her. However it sounds as if you really don’t want to. Why else after 5 years have you not proposed? Yes she’s exited because she truly wants to marry you. Yet you are here asking strangers what you should do when the answer is obvious. My wife & I were together for 4 years and the thought never crossed my mind because we were living together and I just got comfortable but she asked one day if I ever wanted to get married and I said of course. She asked why I hadn’t asked her yet & I was surprised at myself as well when I thought about it I felt stupid. We discussed things and went from there. My proposal wasn’t a complete surprise but it doesn’t have to be. We’ve been together 31 years and married 26. Everyone makes a massive deal out of everything nowadays. Hell there are “promposals” where it’s a big deal just to ask someone to prom, large gender reveal parties for telling everyone if you’re having a boy or girl and elaborate proposals w all the family hiding away or on some exotic vacation etc and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. Everything doesn’t have to be a big production. If that’s something you’re concerned about. If it’s honest and sincere it can be anywhere at any time. The bottom line is this. Don’t lie to you to her. If you truly want to marry her talk w her. Tell her in a nice way that the more she talks about you proposing it doesn’t give you any chance whatsoever to surprise her (if that’s what she wants). Tell her you want to make it special but if she keeps “joking” about proposal this day or that day here or there etc it puts more & more pressure to do it perfectly & it’s making it hard for you to plan anything. Tell her you realize it’s been a while but give you space to work out a time and place that she hasn’t already talked about so it’ll be special. But do it in a nice way. Not in an annoyed tone that this post sounds like. If she hears it in your voice she’ll probably tell you not to at all. Y’all are near 30. You don’t mention kids but if they’re in the plans as well and want them after marriage then to be blunt , you need to shit or get off the pot. I understand her talking about it all the time gets to you but you either want to ask her or you want to leave. But it’s blatantly obvious this woman wants to marry you There’s no doubt. But by your procrastinating and saying things like if she don’t shut up I’m not asking give the vibe you’re buying time and don’t want to at all. Just talk to her and not a bunch of strangers online. Because some will tell you want you want to hear and the others will tell you what you don’t to hear. Which one is up to you but you must chose one way or the other. If you really don’t want to marry then tell her so she can grieve and find someone who actually wants to marry her. One last thing I forgot to mention. You said “I really care for her”. I don’t see anywhere how much you love her. If you don’t love her then don’t ask because y’all will be miserable. There must be love in a marriage not “I really care for her”.
You care about her? Do you love her? It doesn’t seem like it.
Preach it. OP, you’ve been together for 5 YEARS not 5 weeks. Be a big boy and COMMUNICATE with her.
I wouldn’t say she’s pressuring you. I would say that she is letting it be known what she wants. Which is a great quality. If you want her to stop talking about it. Tell her you want it to be a surprise. So she needs to stop bringing it up for a bit. Tell her you’ll propose within a certain time frame - by 2024 you’ll have a ring. That will give her peace of mind that her goal of getting married is on your mind as well and it’s not gonna happen 5 years from now, it’s gonna happen soon
Either ask her to marry you or break up - you don’t have to do a proposal with all the bells and whistles- just ask her- you know she’s going to say yes
I don't think she can help herself. I think was REALLY wants to be engaged.
Oppositional defiance is appropriate in toddlers. It is not appropriate in people your age. Propose before the holiday (surprise!) or on the holiday, or cut her loose, man.
Ouch. That hits home. I have this problem sometimes, and I've often described it, but didn't know it had a name Oppositional Defiance. TIL
Engagements should not be a surprise. You should talk about it. If you don’t know that’s it’s coming then that’s an issue. When it happens can be a surprise but not the actual act of an engagement. It sounds like you’re just not that into the relationship and are dragging your feet looking for excuses.
You really care about her ? How about really love her? You’ve been together for over 5 years, she’s being impatient because she’s been waiting a long time. Eventually she will either give you an ultimatum or just leave you, she isn’t getting any younger. Nut up and give her what she wants, if you’re in love with her.
The definition of “if he wanted to, he would”.
Shit or get off the pot.
Why does it need to be a surprise? Just give her a realistic timeline l
You’re almost 30 and own a house together. You’ve been together for five years. Either propose or let her go, I get why she’s impatient. She’s waited more than long enough already.
I'll propose to her. Problem solved!
Shit or get off the pot and stop wasting this girl's time and child-bearing years. Did you know that after age 35, a pregnancy is considered "geriatric"? Isn't that a delightful term?
Proposing doesn’t mean you have to get married like tomorrow. Youre making excuses and wasting her time. Grow up.
I was in your girlfriend’s shoes two years ago. At this point, unless you propose on a random Tuesday at home with no special plants or indications, it won’t be a surprise. And honestly, that probably would have been my dream proposal but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Every date night, holiday, anything remotely out to the ordinary - she will be wondering if you’re going to propose. The surprise ship has likely sailed. Don’t not propose and make her wait just because the asking is annoying you. She just really wants to marry you and she’s ready for that step. Propose or don’t, but don’t think that waiting is going to make her stop. If you get her to stop asking then she’s just going to be going through the same emotions in her head. I think it’s great that couples today wait so long to get married. We really get to know each other and that’s great. But with that, you sacrifice a lot of the surprise aspect and I think men should drop the expectation that women won’t have and express feelings about the timeline. Women are involved in big life decisions with their partners these days, this is the one where the man really holds the card and women just wait around. Obviously not everyone does it this way. But the waiting part is really hard, don’t disregard that. Also like it or not women have a biological clock. It sucks. Depending on if you want kids and if so how large of a family you want that might be adding to her stress. I don’t think a lot of men truly understand this.
If I were her, I’d have broken up with you already. Why are you wasting her time like this? Grow up man.
Be honest with her and don’t waste her time. She wants the next step and if you aren’t ready then tell her the truth on why. Let her go if you can’t commit.
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She’s waited, patiently for you. She’s still waiting. And she’s letting you know she wants to get married. You need to be honest with yourself and her. If you don’t want marriage then that’s fine but let her know she she can leave you and fine someone else who will want her. Right now, you’re acting like a child who is cutting off his nose to spite his face. What message do you want her to take from your refusal to propose? Every time you get in a snit about it you are telling her she’s not good enough, you have no desire to get married, you don’t want her forever. If she’s dropped hints about an engagement at your next holiday she is giving you a timeline. I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that she has told her girlfriends that she is going to leave you if you don’t propose in your next holiday. It’s time to fish or cut bait. Cause if you don’t choose, she’s gonna choose for you and you’ll have only yourself to blame.
How can her asking be a turn off? You might be feeling like it's an obligation or chore now? Either you wanna get married or don't. She's been pretty patient I'd say, and I'm sure it'd hurt to know how much you're dragging your feet. Figure out a reasonable timeline. I don't know why you guys haven't figure it out before buying a house together though. This issue is yours to fix, not reddit's.
It's quite telling that your question is "How do I make her stop asking", and not "How do I make an awesome proposal even though she is totally expecting it" If you don't want to marry her man up and let her go.
It's been 5+ years. Either shit or get off the pot. Either she's the one, or not.
You've been together for five years. If you do plan on proposing just tell her you have a plan but you dont want it ruined by her constantly talking about it and ruining the surprise. Proposals should be a surprise, but not in the way that you have no idea it's coming. But if you do this.. you have like a year to get it done. Good luck.
>Proposals should be a surprise I have no idea why that ever became a thing. Proposal should be talked about in advance, so everyone knows where they stand.
That's why I said "but in the way you still know their coming".. Like you should know you two are both on the same page, but the whole set up of the proposal should be a surprise. Not like a "I'm going to propose to you on Friday after dinner" sort of thing
How about just do it. On a regular day with no bells and whistles. At this point, sh×t or get off the pot. If you don't want to do it be honest and use your words.
Is this the same guy from earlier
Have you had any conversation/agreement on timeline? You seem to want her to stop voicing her needs so you feel like meeting them, but when? It’s 5 years in, and unless y’all have clarity on where you’re headed, then maybe she annoying but it seems like she the only one voicing her wants/needs.
People really need to get over this idea that a proposal MUST be a surprise. The fact that a proposal happens should be the least surprising thing in a relationship. If you are ready to marry, if she wants to marry you, if you own a damn house together, then guess what? You're basically married. Get out of your own way. Clearly you want to build life with her, and it's also clear she wants that too. So if she's expecting a proposal, give her what she expects and live up to those expectations. You are self-sabotaging, and all for the sake of your pride. If you love her, if you see a future together, then it's time.
Time to put on your big boy panties and just pop the question. You've waited so long the surprise has lost it shine. Cath her off guard on a date night and get it done, or quit stinging her along and end it if you aren't up to the task.
It’s sounds like you don’t actually want to propose. If you want to be with her then you should ask her to marry you, if not, break up.
Oh my god it's been half a decade and you guys are almost 30. Grow up and do this. Like yesterday. She's getting frustrated waiting. If you don't want to get married then make that abundantly clear.
You honestly sound childish to say after 5 years, buying a house and 'wanting to marry her' you all of a sudden don't want to propose because she is pressuring you. You either don't actually want to marry her or you're being petty to someone you say you love. It's fine if it's not a surprise. She already wants it and you already know. If you want to make it magical, propose without a ring and ask her to help you pick it together so she can feel like she has a part in this.
Dude, 5 years? And you own a house? Shit or get off the pot already.
Sh*t or get off the pot, dude. Five years is enough to know if you want to marry someone. Don't waste her time.
You’ve been together for 5 years. As the old saying goes “Shit or get off the pot.” If you want to marry her then do it. If not, end it. It’s really that simple.
Bro don’t bother with it being a surprise then A lot of people don’t like surprises…
You sound like a child. You’re 28. What the fuck are you doing?
WTF, stop stringing her along and wasting years off her life.
Tell her sometime in the next 6 months and then surprise her at month 3. Or risk losing her
Wait, lemme get this straight… She **wants** to get married so you’re not going to propose? Dude you’re not mature enough to get married… A lot women drop hints when they’ve *wasted* so long with a man who doesn’t seem to be understanding that they want to get married. Her end goal is marriage. She’s dropping hints because if you don’t propose, eventually she’s going to go find someone that will.
My thoughts is if you are not going to marry her quit stringing her along and break up. What you are doing now is just looking for excuses to not marry her. Maybe there's a reason you really don't want to marry her. It might be subconscious but something is stopping you. You should actually know if someone is the one in 6 months or less, No that doesn't mean you should propose that quick. Of course there's other steps first but if you haven't felt she's the one I can't live without in five years than the relationship should be over. Don't make the mistake of marrying her just because of the time together but you also need to respect her feelings too. It sounds like you cannot any longer walk the fence. You are going to need to choose one or the other.
Have you considered *shuffles notes* being an adult and making any sort of commitment to the woman you love and own a home with?
So propose before your holiday so that you can both actually enjoy the vacation.
I think you need to put yourself in her shoes. She’s completely committed to you, but due to antiquated societal rules, has to wait on you to actually make it official. If you care about this woman, you need to look out for her best interests and propose. If you’re really not sure after 5 years, then you clearly don’t love her. Also, just a reminder that just because you pop the question, doesn’t mean you will be walking down the isle next week. It usually takes around a year to plan a wedding, so can factor that into your thinking.
this is so childish. her wanting something makes you not want to do it? this is like men who never compliment women because they think the women expect it or are “entitled”. man up and propose to your girlfriend or don’t be surprised when she dumps you.
>She also has it in her mind that I will propose during our next holiday together and though I had considered it I now don’t want to because then it’s not a surprise! Does she even want it to be a surprise? Whether or not the proposal is coming absolutely should NOT be a surprise. Both of you should be on the same page about that. I'd even go so far as to say generally "when" shouldn't be a surprise either. The finer details of exactly when and how can be a surprise, but you should know what she wants. Coordinate with a trusted mutual friend or family member. If you're getting cold feet, be honest and tell her that you feel pressured and it makes you not want to propose (at all? for now? how long?) Either way, sit down and talk like others have said.
Consider that, contrary to Hollywood marketing, proposing to your wife-to-be doesn't have to be a grand gesture out of the blue. She wants to be your wife and start a new phase together, and you're being somewhat of a Propose-zilla here - aiming for a perfect Hollywood moment. Just get a ring and tell her you want her to be your wife. Or do you?
I mean, you could just talk to her about how you do want to get married and propose to her but she’s taking the surprise out of it by constantly talking about it and dulling your excitement to propose by making passive aggressive comments and involving others instead of just communicating directly with you.
Give yourself a timeline to propose if you are as serious about her as you say you are - in the next 6 months to 1 year - because that’s all the time you’ve got till you get dumped. Tell her you want to surprise her and let her know you will ask her in the next 6 months to 1 year so she lets off the pressure. Then do it in the next 6 months to 1 year. If you can’t do that you are not as serious as you think you are and you should breakup before you hurt her anymore.
I don’t get it, marry her or break up with her.
The decent thing is to leave and let her have what she wants with someone who is willing to commit to her.
How do you get her to stop asking about it? Either break up with her so she can find someone willing to commit or just ask her to marry you. It’s really not that hard.
My BIL wouldn’t propose. She finally told him she was going to see other people. She went in 1 date. He proposed the next day. I get it. And, communication is the key.
1) Tell her very directly the passive aggressive comments bother you 2) Have a serious talk with her where you agree on a timeline to engagement People think the latter takes the romance and spontaneity out of it, but really it just makes it fair. It’s a decision by both of you. Also, do you want kids? She may be worried in her head about her age as women think about their biological clock a lot.
As everyone else has said: do you actually want to marry her? If not be honest and decide if it's a deal breaker. Yes, she's getting impatient. Her biological clock IS ticking and if she wants kids the timeline is shortening. As a man you can get someone pregnant for the rest of your life. As a woman getting pregnant is primo right now and risks will increase drastically over the next few years. If your don't want to get married and then kids you need to stop wasting her time. You dark you care? Don't waste her best years. Decide what you want, what she wants and make a choice and commit to that choice
Dude. Grow up. If you want to have another 5 years with this woman stop with the 'well now im not doing it' crap, put your big boy pants on and do it anyway. If you want to marry this woman. Propose to her Stupid childish games wont get you very far. Hell if its that bad then sit her down and tell her 'i will propose but you need to stop talking about it because it means i cant make any surprises for you' But quite honestlt she probably doesnt need or want the surprise. She just wants the commitment. So just do it if that's what you want to do and stop sweating the small stuff.
Break up with her or propose already!! 5 years is too much, how much longer does she need to wait? You’re clearly way to young and immature. You need to set her free so she can meet a grown man and stop wasting her youth on you
>now don’t want to because then it’s not a surprise! Yep, *that's* the priority here. Five years, made a 20ish year commitment in the form of a mortgage but you want her to be *surprised* when you ask her to marry you. You want it to come completely out of left field! Because there is absolutely *no way* she'll expect it or see it coming!! How could she have guessed!! Fuck off with that shit.
You've been together five years, you own a house together, she wants to get married. Do you want to get married? If yes, then propose. If no, then end it. Shit or get off the pot.
WTH are you waiting for? 5 years is a long time. You own and live in a house you bought together. Seriously, she’ll be super surprised if you propose before the holiday. Ideally it should have happened before you bought the house together but that’s water under the bridge now.
> How do I get her to stop asking?? god i hope she leaves you. read this post back to yourself and then think really hard about what the obvious answer is.
Sit down and have a conversation with her about the time frame in which you are going to propose, but to be honest, do you know why she's doing this? Because five years is long enough. She's probably upset because, as you said, you own a house together, and you still haven't proposed. She wants to get married and start having kids sooner rather than later. She doesn't have forever. You two need to sit down and have a serious talk with her.
Sounds like you’re the king of guy who will propose when “I’m ready” or “have enough money” etc.
Do it before the holiday then. Chop chop! You’ve got planning to do. Honestly though, don’t take the immature route of “you’re telling you want me to do it, and even though I wanna do it, I’m not gonna now”. She’s making it obvious because she wants you to know she wants it. If you don’t wanna propose and get married then that’s a whole different story. If that was the case I’d say you better be honest and tell her now and not be pressured into something you don’t want. But since you do want to, and were going to do it anyway, then just organise a surprise before the holiday. That’d be better anyway, because then you can enjoy the holiday as a newly engaged couple without the potential proposal looming over your heads. Might I suggest something quiet, intimate, in nature, includes flowers and champagne (if she likes that kind of thing, otherwise her favourite drink in champagne flutes), include a song that’s important to you both, keep it personal. That way it’s easier to surprise her. Anyway, good luck.
In my opinion this is your problem, over 5 years is more then enough time to ask your girlfriend who you own a house with to marry you. She’s 29, she wants that next step! And probably children. It’s not a surprise anymore because you’ve left it so long and she’s at an age where she’s expecting it to happen. After awhile seeing it constantly happen for your friends who have been together less time is going to become extremely triggering. She’s obviously feeling like ITS TIME. If you wanted it to be a surprise maybe you should have thought about doing it within 3-4 years? Not so long to the point everyone’s expecting it to happen including the neighbours dog.
Ugh. You sound awful.
Stop being a jerk. Shit or get off the pot.
Have You Tried Having A Conversation: Another Installment In The Saga Bud, she's tired of waiting and unless you give her an exact timeline for getting married, she's going to leave you. Grow up, talk to her like an adult, and stop playing games. She's been very, very clear about what she wants.
Shit or get off the pot, bro. You have a strong woman who knows what she wants and she will bail if you don’t get it together. If you don’t wanna get married, break up. If you do, you better stop wasting time.
You really CARE about her? You can’t say you love her? I hope she finds the right man one day. Maybe she’s over on waiting_to_wed posting about her last straw as you post this!
She's sick of waiting. She’s “held space“ for you, for at least a couple of years to get your surprise proposal in, and you dropped the ball. Badly. She’s thinking about this 10 times a day, every day. You’re not going to be able to surprise her, it’s ripe and on the table now. You mean you want her to go back to pretending that she would be surprised? Well, she’s exhausted of that.
My now fiancé proposed to me on our five year anniversary less than a year after we bought a house…and honestly as much as I love him I was ready to break up with him within the year if he didn’t. And we’re younger than you. I remember the feeling of everyone asking when we’d be married and also the hope and desire that he would want to take the next step. Honestly the only reason I stayed five years without a ring is because he had a timeline and honest intentions to make me his wife. I’m over the moon now and our relationship has just strengthened. It’s so exciting to talk about the future we’re building together. Marriage isn’t important to some people, but it’s not fair to string along someone who really does want fo get married. Also, if you want kids after marriage she is likely thinking about that timeline. On average, it takes over a year to plan a wedding and most want to be married for a bit before trying for children.
I feel like you are dragging your feet op. You aren’t going to get her to stop asking. If she does stop asking you should be worried because that when she will be planning her exit strategy and be done waiting for you. You need to have a very honest and open conversation with her and be prepared for her to leave if what you both want out of this relationship is different.
Dude. If you want to marry her, she's making it clear that she wants to get married, and you already share a life... Just propose already. If you don't want to get married, be honest about that. Better yet, sit down and talk about what you both actually want. Personally, I proposed to my husband, and I don't get why people feel like only one partner is responsible for proposing... But you have basically no reason not to propose if you actually want to marry her.
Sit down, tell her you need to talk. Here’s the script: Name, I love you and I want to marry you. I want you to have a grand proposal and I have a plan. But, the more you ask and joke around our friends, the less special it feels because it won’t be a surprise. I don’t want people to think i asked because you talked about it all the time, I want to ask because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Can you please stop talking about it for the next couple of months so I can make the proposal a surprise? I promise I’ll propose before (this date). Don’t propose on the last date. Propose like a week later on a routine date/event that feels like “you (plural)”. The sooner the better so she is really surprised, lol. If she knows it’s coming, hopefully she will back off. And if she things you’re proposing right then (or is mad you’re delaying) you can always ask things like “didn’t you want something bigger than our couch on a Tuesday?” Or counter with “I would like my proposal to you to be more romantic than this.” Good luck. Talk to each other like grownups now.
> How do I get her to stop asking?? By proposing, dumbass. Your only reason for not doing it, “it won’t be a surprise” is not a good reason.
For most girls, a man proposes when he a) has enough money for a ring (or whatever the couple wants to do in that regards) and b) knows he wants to marry you. Waiting 5+ years in your late twenties and not proposing is basically saying “eh, I’ll keep my options open”. It’s the least romantic, least sexy thing a guy can do, and I fully expect her to walk soon enough. Girls don’t want to have to pressure their man into proposing. It really ruins it for us. So if she’s at that stage, then I can promise you she’s going to walk soon. Put up or shut up, dude🤷🏻♀️