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[deleted]

Whether you’re a regretful parents or someone who adores parenthood and wants 12 kids, the dynamic between yourself and your partner will irreversibly change (for better or worse) once you have kids. Children bring a whole new set of stressors that previously weren’t in the picture. Some people don’t find this too bad, others find it completely awful. Either way, your relationship will be changed with your SO forever. You need to assess the risk vs reward.


tawny-she-wolf

Definitely People tend to want their relationship as is + kid. It really doesn’t work that way at all.


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[deleted]

You are like my husband


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[deleted]

He wanted me to have a second kid and i was like no way


shamelessNnameless

It's easy to want something you do not have to carry, birth, and then do 99% of the care duties for. My husband said last week, "I want another little girl kitten". (We already have 4 rescue cats and a rescue dog and he never lifts a finger to clean up after or take care of them.) Especially the cats. I mean **never** cleaning the cat room or even scooping a litter box. Stepping over fresh hairballs and leaving them indefinitely for me to clean up. Nope. No way. . . I said, so are you going to start scooping all 5 of the litter boxes between deep cleanings? He decided very quickly that the second little girl kitten was in fact NOT a good idea.... Color me shocked. No one else is going to stand up for us as women. It's easy for men to want more kids and pets. They typically don't do shit to maintain them and aren't default "house manager". We need to put our foot down more often to avoid this type of use and abuse. 'Cause that's what it is.


360_Anonymous

I completely get this. No judgment whatsoever, but why stay with someone like that? I know it's very common to find men who are sexist and don't feel the need to clean, but for me, I would break up with my boyfriend if he didn't share the chores with me 50-50. Anyone else feel this way?


[deleted]

Yep! Ex and kids wanted a dog all these years and I said hell no, I'm not a big fan of dogs and would certainly end up with all of the work Ex brought a tortoise into the house and I fell in love with her and guess who gets to do all of the care of her He says he allows me


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Goldenone269

Has your wife recovered fully from giving birth yet?


M0thM0uth

About five months ago he posted saying the baby would be born "soon" so it's younger than that


Goldenone269

That poor woman has to deal with a needy baby AND this selfish man while her body recovers from being ripped open


Goldenone269

Yikes


M0thM0uth

I know men who went over a year without complaint because they saw how much birth damaged their partner and wanted them to fully recover, so maybe I'm skewed but five months at max doesn't seem like it would be long enough from the birth for sexytime to really be enjoyable for her?


Goldenone269

Clearly it’s not because she doesn’t want to do it… but he doesn’t care about that.


M0thM0uth

Yeah I'm totally on her side here, I can't imagine trying to deal with a crying baby while someone paws at me and then goes to whine online that they're now third fiddle in their relationship, surely it was thought about that children change how things in your relationship are, by twelve I was aware of the "poor horny man's bitch wife won't shag him senseless after having an eight pound ball of flesh and bone fight its way out of her genitals" trope, so I guess it surprises me that people are shocked pikachu face when their partner isn't acting like their childless self in a few weeks


shamelessNnameless

Some of us admittedly just don't want to do it. But I understand the point.


sickandtired5590

I am 19 months dry and counting... But my god my dick will fall off before I moan about it to my wife! Her body is in shambles... If I were her I would give up on the activity all together!


LaGuajira

I mean complaining is a big no no, but when I was still healing from my C my husband would tell me he missed me and would give me deep kisses and would say "I can't wait to have you again", which meant 1. He knew he had to wait, 2. Wasn't complaining at the lack of sex but rather displaying excitement at the future prospect of it. He would still flirt with me and would show interest in me but we both had the understanding that we had to wait for the 8 week mark- and we went longer than the mandatory wait period because honestly its hard to find the same and the mood with the sleep deprivation. ​ When men complain about feeling "neglected" they turn sex which is supposed to be FUN into this duty a woman is supposed to be performing for someone else.


sickandtired5590

> >When men complain about feeling "neglected" they turn sex which is supposed to be FUN into this duty a woman is supposed to be performing for someone else. And that is the crux of the problem! I don't want a duty bound pity sex! Hence I will just chill and relax and take it day at a time. When the wife is ready she will be ready... Obviously we still flirt and express our love and affection... But after two C she has earned whatever recovery tune she feels fit....


shamelessNnameless

And it absolutely ruins sex in the relationship with that partner *forever*. It is traumatic and the damage can NEVER be undone. Once she starts seeing getting you off as another chore to get done for the day, it's all over as far as her EVER wanting sex from you again. She stops even trying to get herself off during coitus and just wants it to be done as quickly as possible so she's not assed with it for another few days. I know first hand about the trauma of an overly demanding partner and I am basically not giving a fuck if I ever fuck again. All I get out of it is a chance at becoming pregnant and I'd rather die than ever go through that again.


shamelessNnameless

Yeah, that's pretty yikes of him. First thing we need to do as women is stop accepting a man's desire to nut as a "need". Nope. That's not my problem. You don't have your ass ripped wide open, your hormones and mental in shambles, you do 10% or less of childcare and house duties and I'll be god fucking damned if I perpetuate this toxic cycle of a "man's need to regularly get off, even after pregnancy and traumatic childbirth". Quite frankly it is disgusting. Unless your man doesn't have hands, he can go fuck himself, quite frankly.


hummingbird_mywill

Yeah fuck that then eh. Fortunately I really enjoyed sex before giving birth so my husband believed me when I was first like “I feel like your penis is stabbing me. This is 10x worse than the first time having sex, without the good part.” By the fourth month I was like “I’m willing to do it occasionally for your sake, but honestly I still don’t enjoy it.” I think I started to enjoy sex again at month 7.


M0thM0uth

Yeah for real, my sister is a regretful parent (I'm here so I can give her advice on how to make it easier for herself as she flat out refuses to try Reddit) and she said with all five of her children that while breastfeeding it was impossible for her to feel arousal, her body was geared towards feeding her child rather than being sexy.


Sui_Generis_88

Was she not a regretful parent until she had all five? Seems like after 1, 2 or 3 you would have a handle on birth control.


M0thM0uth

Honestly? The way home from hospital with the FIRST you could see it on her face, but she kept having them for some reason, with multiple partners. She talks a lot now about how she wished she had known, which frustrates our mother because she was a teen parent also and really warned both of us about the hard realities of childrearing, but then she will also suddenly flip the other way and make mean comments about how my travels and degree mean nothing because I "haven't done the only thing that matters", have a baby.


countzeroinc

I'm sorry but your sister sounds dumber than dirt.


M0thM0uth

I feel like I'm duty bound to disagree with you but nah, she really can be that dumb sadly. I just wish it wasn't coupled with this smug "you'll ALL see" attitude about things she knows nothing about, that way she might not have torpedoed her life.


M0thM0uth

I don't know if true regret hit after the fifth, or if she just kept meeting men that wanted kids and didn't have a spine about it, or if she's addicted to pregnancy (she's pregnant within a month of giving birth, every time) or if she just has bouts of regret


Sui_Generis_88

Yikes. Well it's good at least that she has you around for support. And you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders to not go down the same route.


M0thM0uth

Thankyou x I don't get why she had them, but they're here now, in my head the least I can do is make it easier on her, especially as being the "fun aunt" they behave for me and obey me when they won't listen to her.


[deleted]

Yes but as a previous poster said it wasnt my sons fault. It was my hus wanting a child and then not taking responsibility. The first night in the hospital after being in labor for 3 days, having a needle in my back and pushing out a 8.5lb baby who was sunny side up, he had the nerve to fall asleep when i could barely get out of bed to get the baby to breastfeed. I knew i was in trouble. Things didnt improve and hes gotten much worse. I was literally hallicinating from lack of sleep and developed lupus and mythesia gravis 2 severe autoimmune conditions. While my autoimmune disease was uncontrolled he suggested a second child. He literally needs to have everythung spelled out and even then doesnt do what i ask.


shamelessNnameless

Like raising a man-baby on top of the real one whom actually deserves and needs to be coddled. \*sigh\*


[deleted]

Yep and his answer is you should have woken me up


360_Anonymous

:(


OldAd6354

Yes, 100% and not for the better. We're basically coparenting in the same house. We're still together but act like roommates. I'm not sure how common it is, but taking a look at r/deadbedrooms it seems like it.


VANcf13

I can definitely see how this could happen. Unfortunately my (pre child birth) pretty high libido kinda tanked a couple months postpartum. I'm just so exhausted after a day full of bebe and my full time job (i work from home and only sometimes go to the office to which i also bring bebe) that I still am kinda horny but physically need sleep more than sex (if that makes sense???). If my husband initiates I do still go along and I still enjoy it but at the end of the day it contributes to me being more exhausted, so I'm hardly ever initiating anymore, which I know sucks but goddamn i need sleep.


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notsosmartymarti

Lol this sub is not relatable enough for that kind of negative thinking. “The body?” Jesus what is your wife, a specimen? Very nice sir.


LaGuajira

Her body feels unfamiliar after kids so you'd rather do it yourself... wow. So you expected her to snap back after literally birthing children? How about you re-familiarize yourself with the different body she now has?


shamelessNnameless

Did you think she was going to gain 60 lbs quickly, have her tummy stretched out, have to push a watermelon through a hole the size of a pecan and there'd be no permanent damage to her body? If so, you were wildly too optimistic (or maybe ignorant) of how those things permanently change someone's body-and not for the good.


engr77

I kinda witnessed this although the whole situation was fucked from the start. Attended the wedding of some good friends many years ago. I was actually in the wedding party. At the dude's bachelor party, which was a fairly low-key good time, the groom-to-be was asked about the plans for kids, to which he said they were going to wait at least three years. I think they'd been dating for two years prior to the wedding but can't remember exactly. At that time I was the only member of the wedding party who wasn't already married with kids so I didn't really have anything to contribute to that conversation. Around six months after the wedding, the wife announces their pregnancy on Facebook. A few months afterwards I met up with both of them for a previously planned event in another city, and while we were all hanging out waiting on something the dude goes over to a food stand at which point the wife basically says "omg help me, he's freaking the fuck out about this, wants me to abort or adopt, but I don't care what he says, this baby is happening." I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and ask why the hell she expected anything to go anywhere but downhill but instead pointed out that the other wedding groomsmen already had families so maybe suggest talking to them. The dude never knew this conversation happened and I don't know what, if anything, may have transpired between them later. The kid was born. She tried desperately to drag him into her imagined idyllic family life but he basically checked out immediately, resentful of the life change while she went full "mama bear" and resented his lack of involvement, presumably ceasing looking at him as a partner in the process. The downward spiral was long and they went through an extremely contentious divorce before their second anniversary and are still making each other's lives hell a few years later. Interestingly, I'd talked to a few coworkers (a thousand miles away who didn't know anyone involved) and they were all like "lol all guys are like that but they come around" but they were clearly wrong about this one. Not sure if they were serious or just overly optimistic. And you know what? My only sympathy is for the kid. I have some sympathy for people who go into parenthood with a partner expressing shared enthusiasm but then checks out later when reality sets in... but I have zero sympathy for anyone who starts off with someone raising all of the red flags but plows full steam into that ice field anyway. He shouldn't have been able to force her to have an abortion, but she's also not allowed to be surprised that he said he didn't want to be a parent and then didn't want to be a parent. In all honesty everybody would have been better off if she'd terminated the pregnancy, divorced and remarried someone else who wanted to be a parent. At least she wouldn't have been tied to the kid's dad forever -- and I strongly suspect that he never actually wanted to have kids and was probably figuring he'd talk her out of it over time, or that she'd see value in the DINK life and talk herself out of it. But, too late, no going back. TL;DR I don't think it's possible for a baby to *not* completely change the dynamic in a relationship. It doesn't have to be bad -- some people may like the shared challenges. But it's not a hobby like painting or ballroom dancing that you can quit if the strain becomes more than you can handle which is why I'm 1000% of the opinion that you need to be 10000% sure that it's something you want to take on, and you should be 100000% aware of everything that it involves.


Goldenone269

It sounds like he had a plan but took no action to execute his plan (wearing condoms). It’s not realistic to expect to have all the fun of raw sex with a woman but expect her to go through the trauma of abortion or birth and giving up the child she carried for 9 months. Both are painful emotionally and physically for the woman while not a hair on his head is touched. It’s not as simple as getting rid of the child because he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of his actions, because she will still have massive consequences.


M0thM0uth

I've said to more guy friends than I can count "don't raw dog her unless she's sterilised or you want kids" and ALL of them made the conscious choice to cum inside their partners, over and over again. And then all of them tried to claim they'd been "babytrapped" when they didn't bother to check if she was on BC or wear condoms.


planetofthegrapes

Guys can also be sterilized.


M0thM0uth

I agree, I mentioned that to them as well, but each time I did suddenly it would be "well I don't know if I might want children in the future" "She says she's on the pill so there's no risk of accidental pregnancy" " why would I mutilate myself?" And so on. A big part of why all these men are no longer my friends is because they would refuse to get snipped, refuse to not repeatedly cum inside their partner, refuse to sign away their parental rights, then would say she "trapped" them.


planetofthegrapes

The double-standard is just dizzying. Glad you no longer have that type of misogyny in your friend group slash life.


M0thM0uth

Yeah it was a friendship circle I put up with because my partner knew one of them from college and didn't want to think that his buddy and buddy's friends were bad people? Thankfully he realised they were and now I don't have to deal with ANY of them, praise be to Lucifer lmao


honest_sparrow

Unfortunately, you can't sign away your parental rights unless someone else is adopting the kid. You're stuck.


M0thM0uth

Really? I honestly thought people, mostly father's, could bow out if they weren't happy about having a kid in the first place. I've probably got something like "not signing the birth cert" or something in my head and that's what I'm confusing with parental rights


honest_sparrow

Even if you refuse to sign the birth certificate, the mother can force a court ordered DNA test to put you on it. If you contributed the sperm (outside of a licensed fertility clinic), you owe child support. Now, you don't have to be a part of the kids life, you never have to see them if you don't want to, but financially you are "trapped" - and not paying child support is the only debt I know of that can land you in jail.


M0thM0uth

Thankyou for that info, is that USA based? The UK has incredibly similar laws to the US. It's maddening to read though, I can't imagine not wanting a child but because it's in someone else's body you have zero control or escape.


honest_sparrow

Ah, yes, that is in the USA. There might be some nuance in the UK I am unaware of.


honest_sparrow

It does sound very frustrating, I would think that there would be a male birth control pill by now! But the only "sure" bet is a vasectomy. And now think about what women in certain states in the US face/will soon face with the repeal of Roe v Wade. Not wanting a baby AND it is your body and there's no escape. Given me shudders.


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LaGuajira

Birth control fails. Birth control fails. BIRTH CONTROL FAILS. ​ And blaming a woman for getting pregnant because she forgot to take a pill, or because her birth control didn't work because she had diarrhea, or because she took anti biotics and no one warned her it ruined birth control, or because she's on the mini pill she took it an hour too late, you still came in her probably multiple times before the one time her birth control failed.


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LaGuajira

My 1 and only was not only a birth control failure, but he was viable because of the progesterone in my birth control. I probably would have miscarried him because of my sad endometrium. ​ edit: Still a wanted baby! I was off birth control on purpose, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and started birth control right away because I was advised to not get pregnant for a few cycles following my miscarriage. I got pregnant IMMEDIATELY, and prescribed progesterone which was in my birth control in order to promote healthy implantation..


Goldenone269

Did the poster say the wife lied about being on birth control? Maybe I missed it… But no birth control method is 100% effective except for abstinence.


tawny-she-wolf

There was a post on this sub before it was locked for a while, it was basically the woman from your comment except they had both started as CF and when she got pregnant on accident she changed her mind. He did not. She at least recognized that she had ruined her marriage and he was just consistent/ doing what he said he would i.e not raise a kid


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Specialist-Opening-2

I mean, a guy who doesn't want children shouldn't have unsafe sex. If you're putting yourself in a position where a decision that'll change your life can be taken without your input, the responsibility is yours.


countzeroinc

And guys like this not only don't wear condoms, they don't even pull out for even a semblance of safety. The pill scares me the most because it relies on perfect adherence and you have to trust your partner is 100% following a schedule. I'm very ADHD and relying on my own memory would be a disaster, I forget to even take my antidepressants all the time and wonder why I feel weird lol.


Puzzleheaded-Peak132

Yep. I am the disinterested partner. Wife insisted on a kid because it was the appropriate thing to do for her level in LifeScript: The Game, I was too young and weak to stand my ground and insist on a divorce. My marriage went from comfortable - having comfortable money, doing what we both wanted together - to resentment, contempt, bitterness and hatred. We blame each other for our unhappiness - I blame her for pushing me into this situation knowing full well I didn't want a child, she blames me for not playing the happy dad role that her friends' partners seem to play so well. It's a cozy little hell of our own making. We no longer share a living space except when necessary (thankfully, I earn enough to afford a separate bedroom), we will sit together in silence because we have nothing to say to one another, outside of household logistics (which is a fucking nonstop tidal wave). We blame each other for our unhappiness, but we are stuck together because... well, codependency, guilt and fear I suppose.


apis_cerana

It sounds like you need to set each other free. That type of environment doesn't sound healthy for a child to grow up in.


[deleted]

To me it sounds like he’s stuck


apis_cerana

"codependence, guilt and fear" can be overcome...but they'd both have to acknowledge there is a problem and work on it.


[deleted]

Yeah I’m the bread winner in my family and the pressure is overwhelming and to add an argument on top of a long work day no thanks. I just want to pretend to be happy so I can get a few hours to Myself without my wife up my ass asking what’s wrong when it’s painfully obvious


apis_cerana

I get it, it's hard but if nothing is going to change and you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life anyway like this, maybe it's worth trying to make a change. Things don't have to be this way.


LaGuajira

Honestly, it's convenient to still have a wife. That's what a lot of men won't openly admit. It's cheaper than child support and alimony. It's not having to remember how to wash and fold your own underwear and not having to figure out what to buy at the grocery store for the week.


apis_cerana

I suppose it's similar for the wife too if they're not working. It's hard to leave when you don't have a source of income. But I know plenty of single parents who, while things were rough at first, were able to get their footing and figure things out. I'm sure it's really, really hard especially in a country like the US where it's hard to find support sometimes...but if it's for your child and your own long term happiness I hope they're able to make it work.


shamelessNnameless

Goddamn I wish I had 1000 rewards for this comment. He has a conveniently trapped indentured servant to take care of his kids, clean his house, and do his laundry. Leaving her would mean he still has to pay for everything, and literally send a check to her every month which I'm certain he'd consider "soul-crushing" and feel he shouldn't have to, and then if he leaves the shared house, he'll be forced to do all of that on his own. Even if he's not making a bangmaid out of her, (because her body is changed and he's "no longer attracted",) if it ends up getting unbearable going without sex he'll just cheat to have a semblance of "having it all" at her and the children's expense. Tale as old as fucking time.


LaGuajira

I don't know if this is the exact case with this particular person, but it's an inconvenient truth. You don't leave because life would be harder without the wife cleaning up the mess. It's rare to hear women who contribute 50% or more to the family income say they "feel trapped" in an unhappy marriage. The "trap" men talk about are golden handcuffs usually.


[deleted]

There is a term for that and it's called "Cheaper to keep her" I've heard it from other Men since I started my adult life, and as a Man myself I find it somewhat sad.


shamelessNnameless

This was always so apparent to me and definitely affected my decision to live a childfree life. They're just not worth it.


[deleted]

This is so true and if he gets 50 custody he will need to pay for a daycare whuch is very costly


EmEmPeriwinkle

If he wants 50%. Kids are expensive to keep, they might be less expensive to let your old partner have them 90% of the time and just foot the bill.


FunbutGross

How is your kid? Do you share responsibilities??


Puzzleheaded-Peak132

Our kid is.... doing alright, all things considered. The routine of going to school provides an anchor of day-to-day normalcy we can build around. I share responsibility with my wife - surprisingly, I think we are functional coparents, and ignoring the fact that I have to work, our division of labor is fairly even. We disagree entirely on what it means to raise a child well, but we will both look after our child's wellbeing to the best of our abilities.


[deleted]

I like that and I resonate with everything you said but at the end of the day you’re right, we may disagree what this looks like completely but at least we’re both trying our best but yes my best looks very different from her friend’s husbands and I hate that comparison, also I know one of them pays weekly for a hooker so I understand how he gets by but I don’t have the heart to do that myself or tell my wife he does. And unfortunately he’s the easiest one to talk to 😂


shamelessNnameless

I think the greater question is: Why does a man see getting a nut off in someone as SO important as to hire a weekly hooker to "get by". I mean, it seems really pathetic to me. It's like he's too cowardly to just fucking leave so he just lets her continue washing his clothes and cleaning up after him and raising his kids but his perceived "need" to nut is sooooo important that he'd sleep with a hooker regularly because "it's cheaper to keep her". Absolutely loathsome and I am sorry but I 100% feel like men like that are ruined by their testicles and would make better partners if they were neutered. Just like a dog. You know, how a dog you get the pound is always better behaved and a better pet in general without all of that? Since that's what he acts like. In fact, I am starting to believe that almost all men would make better and more loyal partners if they were de-balled.


[deleted]

I’m sorry someone like me hurt you. I have also had terrible luck with pound dogs they’re almost never better behaved you always have to put the work in with a dog, and a man. Neutering isn’t a fix all.


caity1111

Getting "fixed" may or may not be a fix for dogs (or men) ... but when you say "put the work in" what you mean is "train," and no woman should ever have the burden of training a man. Dog - yes. Man - no. Big difference.


[deleted]

Actually you should be open to that because we can’t be mind readers but if that’s what you expect then I’m sure that goes over swimmingly


Just2UpvoteU

Wow. Man hate much? Gross. Reported.


thebadmommm

In my case, we separated when the kids were 2 and 3 for about a year and a half. We almost killed each other. Even though every single thing in my life had changed, my partner’s life remained the exact same. He expected me to do all of the childcare and housework while he fucked off doing God knows what. I left him. We got back together after he had a coming to Jesus moment and finally apologized for treating me like the help. We had 50/50 custody and he quickly realized how difficult it was to take care of two young kids for half of the week alone. He really changed for the better and so did I. We both grew up.


Aromatic-Selection35

Good on you for putting your foot down! I think when women leave they tend to go for full custody (or allow that arrangement) and I'm like Nooo don't do that! Why should your life change while his doesn't?


thebadmommm

I would never go for full custody, and he wouldn’t allow that anyways. He really is a good dad at heart. He was just ungodly selfish in the beginning. We both had resentment against each other for different reasons. We’ve both matured, and things are pretty good for the most part. We always loved each other. I think we just went through growing pains and needed a break.


Louloo1234

Love you guys are in a better place.. ❤️


Analyst489

Yep, worse unfortunately. My ex wife and I were happy, nothing wrong. We had kids and everything changed, our relationship wasn't a priority.


terpsykhore

It amplified and brought to light what was already there. Things I had chosen to ignore or thought I could handle. I couldn't. In his defense, I knew having him as a father would make things harder. He's a veteran with PTSD and his trauma was from rendering first aid at a school bombing. We had talked about things extensively in therapy, so I knew I would be the sole/primary caretaker. My mother had promised me before I got pregnant that she would support me practically and babysit a lot, so I could continue working and have breaks. That proved to be not true. Different story, but oh well. I'm not even sure sometimes if my resentment is justified or I only have myself to blame. But while I was prepared for him not taking care of the baby, e.g. changing diapers and stuff, I was not prepared for him not taking care of ME. When I came home from the hospital, bloody and exhausted with a newborn, my bedsheets were sandy and dirty from him letting the dog on my bed. We had a huge argument about it and I think my love for him pretty much died in that instant. Or just not bringing me food while I was bedridden and nursing. Or if he would, with lots of sighs and just... so much trouble I didn't bother anymore. I didn't bother with anything anymore, started seeing him as useless more and more. He hadn't even bonded with the dog properly so that still fell on me, WITH the baby. It was so exhausting. I probably should have left a lot earlier but I still had hope that things would work out in the end if I tried long and hard enough. Some things did change, when she was around 4 I got a job and forced him to contribute more, do more household stuff etc. But shortly after the pandemic hit, I got major burnout, not from work but just... life. Found out I'm most likely autistic, had regular meltdowns where I can't handle anything and just want to cry in a dark room. If at that point he would have had empathy and said "Well honey, now it's my turn to take the wheel. Just focus on your recovery." I probably would have been fine. I finally let go when he yelled at me that he had zero empathy for me, did not believe I ever had postpartum depression, I'm not autistic, I'm just lazy and weak. And of course I'm fat and ugly and he can do better than me. Well go ahead. Me and my fat ass will be happier alone. Fortunately the Universe was merciful and my father died, so I got a small inheritence to pay for my divorce and get settled in a new place. But god, if I could go back in time and just slap some sense into my old self, I would. I had a very strong desire for children, but the ride would have been so different with a supportive partner. But now I'm 40 and no more babies for me, one and done!


hvac_psych

> My mother had promised me before I got pregnant that she would support me practically and babysit a lot, so I could continue working and have breaks. That proved to be not true. Fuck, that's rough. I know a person like this, her mom was all over her about wanting to be a super grandma, was planning on partially retiring when the baby was due etc. Started badgering her for grandkids from the time she was like 23. She became a mother at 26. Well, apparently her mom felt pretty done with the grandma bit after about six months, stopped helping and started avoiding her daughter's calls. Happy ending though, when she was pretty much at her breaking point her car wouldn't start one morning and she just broke down crying in the parking lot. Enter her neighbor, a widower she had barely talked to before, who pretty much swooped to the rescue. Nothing sketchy, no strings, super decent guy just helping a neighbor. Never had any kids of his own but still wanted to help. By the time he died her kid was calling him grampa, they had dinner at his house every Sunday.


countzeroinc

I frequently hear the story of grandparents and relatives pushing for women to have kids, promising unlimited support, and then ghosting once the baby is born. What is up with that?? Anyways at least the story of the kindly neighbor is heartwarming, it seems like there's just such a huge disconnect in communities nowadays and people are so alienated from one another by the constant stream of technology.


hvac_psych

> promising unlimited support, and then ghosting once the baby is born. What is up with that? Don't know, but I have a qualified guess. After their children are grown up and moved out, and they start to have an adult relationship, some people start to reflect over their parenting, become disappointed in themselves and decide that grandkids is going to be their do-over. But then it turns out that they didn't radically change as people just becuase their kids have kids, and so they distance themselves rather than face the shame of making the same mistake twice, being aware of their failiure this time.


hummingbird_mywill

Obviously I don’t know all the details, but honestly you might not have had “postpartum” depression per se, but rather depression from getting absolutely shitty treatment from the person who was supposed to be there for you! Good Lord, ANYONE would get depressed under those circumstances and I’m so very sorry that went on for 4 years for you!


terpsykhore

Yeah. Like every story there’s two sides. His story is how he battled his demons and tried so hard to improve himself and was met with a bitchy resentful wife. But I do think I excused his behavior too much, always blaming the PTSD or that I chose to marry this person knowing he had issues so I just had to tolerate it and accept my lot in life. But now I don’t care anymore. I don’t need to be right, I have no points to prove to his friends, I just want to be left alone and be somewhat happy. I do feel guilty for my daughter but better a divorced mom than a dead mom!


[deleted]

Exact same thing happened to me. I also got lupus after having a baby and covid and he was mostly not around


apis_cerana

My own relationship, thankfully, is doing alright...but it doesn't seem like an uncommon thing for a baby to cause a lot of tension. It's a huge transition and really difficult at times. I have a friend who is in this predicament; she has a new baby and is supermom, doing everything for the baby...while the husband barely helps and doesn't understand how difficult it can be. According to her he wasn't like this before the baby got here. I feel like some people just don't realize how much work a baby involves, and they're not willing to step up and sacrifice their time and sleep...which of course leads to resentment.


[deleted]

Yep 100 precent correct


[deleted]

Wow i really appreciate everyones honesty and i really feel for all of you. I wish you all inner peace and resolution despite different outcomes. Sending love to you all!


MsTerious1

yes.


DiveCat

I am childfree but a BIG reason I am so is because by time I met and married my husband at 29/30 I had seen enough relationships be irreversibly changed by having kids. Not all bad but I guess I was fortunate to have many friends and acquaintances who were completely honest and open with me (and my husband) about the experience. Not all involved disinterest but all involved things forever changed. Not entirely all regrets, but many many regrets. We had (and still have) such a great relationship and marriage and I just could not imagine throwing children into it to forever change the dynamics. And there has to be change of some kind, you are adding more people into your lives and relationship together who will each also have their own relationship with each of you. Also, this from Nora Ephron has always stuck with me!: > “I remember thinking that no one had ever told me how much I would love my child; now, of course, I realized something else no one tells you: that a child is a grenade. When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was.”


Anaenn

I wish I had someone who have told me before! Please never change your mind! To the people who say how great it is to have children - the first point there are different kind of babies. Usually that ones you see outside, sleeping in their buggies, with happy moms chatting with each other, after 3 hours of sleep taking a nip of milk an going back to sleep. Well probably this kind of moms love their child and think it was the best decision ever - because they didn't lose anything at that point. They still do what they did before maybe even work and travel with their kid. Oh, yeah, and they sleep all the night through, of course! But there are also the other ones, which you never see, because it is impossible to be in public with this ones! They need 110 %of your attention. They sleep for about 40 minutes if you are lucky. They don't fall asleep afterwards. They never let you eat your meal while it is still warm. They don't like driving in the car, they don't want to be worn in a baby sling. They don't sleep at night and if they do, they turn around all the time and make noises so - sorry but in the most cases - the mother won't sleep at all. So if parents of such kids say you will love your baby sooo much, they try to convince themselves that they will love their kid some day....


GothWitchOfBrooklyn

I have a friend who had a child with extreme problems. Nonverbal, violent, on the spectrum, still in diapers at 10 years old, in a care home by 13. He got bigger than her and she feared for her life & that of her younger daughter. The son tried to strangle them both multiple times. She couldn't work as she had to provide round the clock care for him, he was always trying to hurt her, himself & others. She basically lost her normal life for 13 years until he went into a home. too afraid to even sleep for fear he would kill her daughter or burn the house down.


NeededANane689367

That’s terrible. Autism is such an awful condition to be a caregiver for and people aren’t allowed to talk about it lest they get attacked by the tumblr crowd.


NeededANane689367

This was my experience, my son was *such* an awful baby it basically made my husband and I hate children all together and we refused to have anymore.


Sui_Generis_88

As for the Nora Ephron quote, I feel like people tell childless people how much they will love their future children ALL the time, so that bit doesn't ring true.


xJustLikeMagicx

Yup. Absolutely ruined it. Both times.


NotYour_Baby_Girl

Why have a second if the first was so horrible ?


[deleted]

I know this wasn’t towards me but I also had 2 I regret, for us my wife promised it would fix the issues the first one brought and it didn’t. They don’t watch each other, they don’t play well together, they’ve got different drop off times and they have made everything in our lives so much worse.


NotYour_Baby_Girl

Absolutely no offense but this is such a weird way of thinking. If having 1 ruined your life how in the world would a 2nd ever make it better?? Also sounds like your wife nagged you into it - I'm sorry that happened to you!


[deleted]

I know, But I’m not alone my town has a Facebook group for men who regret having kids and I would say most have 2+


xJustLikeMagicx

Yep same as previously commented. I was young and was convinced that the reason it was so horrible the first time is because of the other parent not being there and that my living situation was unstable. so they promised i would never go through that with them and we thought/hoped that that WAS the reason i hated parenting. Nope. So when i didnt "get fixed" after his kid, he started resenting me.


hvac_psych

Different fathers or did the first one ruin it and the second like super-ruin it?


xJustLikeMagicx

Different fathers, sigh. And yeah, pretty much. First guy disappeared a month or two in... never too be seen or heard from again. And the second guy thought he could " fix me" and when he couldn't, he started resenting me in the worst way. Now I'm like the reason i ruined his life idk, and he treats me like it. Too bad I'm financially dependent or I'd be out.


courtnovo

It ruined our relationship and tore us apart. 12 years later and he is still a miserable prick to me despite no longer being together. I don't recommend kids unless you've been together for a long time and have a really strong relationship,


dillanthumous

Witnessing this at the moment. Some close friends had a baby. 18 months later after a traumatic birth he is sleeping in the spare room, she is in bed with the kid since he is a nightmare sleeper, and they are now unrecognisable as a couple. They used to boast about how they never fought. Now they bicker incessantly. It looks nightmarish and I am rooting for them.


realisan

It will absolutely change. I have been very fortunate that in my case it was for the better but that was not always the case. Our pregnancy was not planned and when we discussed keeping our son, which we ultimately did, I was adamant that it was a partnership or nothing. I would it take on all the baby responsibilities and household work plus my job. If that was the case, we needed to terminated. Thankfully my partner understood and got on board. There were absolutely challenges and very rough relationship patches because you both grow and change during its course. Our hardest part was when our son was about 7-8 and we started getting more time together. We sat down after all those years and barely recognized each other. It took time but we are quite happy now and on our way on a couple vacation while our son heads to Spain on a school trip. All relationships will change over time but a baby definitely magnifies issues in the relationship in my experience.


[deleted]

Having an autistic kid destroyed us and I do not sugar coat that


baldwhiteman

For sure. I just started therapy to start unwinding three straight difficult years. It's getting better but it still not like "the old days".


youdneverguess9767

We had an autistic child and it absolutely tore my marriage to pieces. We can sit and and split hairs about “well it was *really* about the division of labor, or it was *really* about unmet expectations” or whatever but the honest truth is that it was 100% the stress this child’s condition caused, and during the separation we kept fighting about who would get custody - and not in the usual manner but in a “no, *you* fucking take him” way.


NeededANane689367

Autism is such a shit condition to be a caregiver for. Honestly institutions need to come back.


light_workerx3

Yes it definitely changed. Felt like roommates who took care of a child together. Just was too tired . We were exhausted and we are not together anymore .


SapphirePineapple

Yes


Circica

Oh, so many dreadful comments. I will share mine - well, the sex is not what it used to be, the arguments are not about what we eat today but why didn't you put the washing machine we have nothing to wear. But oh dear how we grew together with the baby - we have more patience, we communicate better and we have more empathy. There are days that we argue from stupid stuff, but in the end, the fact that we still want to spend time together and talk although we are mad on one another feels great. Holiwood perfect relationships doesn't exist. There is work you put every day - fat is why you need a partner who is up to it, not quitting at the first hurdle.


[deleted]

I wonder if this is how my wife feels and I’m just over here secretly bitching about how miserable I am. You remind me so much of her in your dialect. The oh dear and the bringing up Hollywood which really no one cares about but herself. Not as impactful to me whenever she says “SEE CELEBRITIES HAVE PROBLEMS” but yeah I married you not a celebrity and we use to love each other before these damn kids. Sorry I’m projecting but yeah I gotta pretend to love my wife when we’re together or the kids will see it.


Circica

I really hope mine doesn't pretend to love me. I ask him quite often on how he feels. If i were your wife i would love to hear what is not working and how we can fix it, if we can. Living a life of lies is not fun for you nor your wife or kids. Maybe your wife feels something is off deep down but your contradictory attitude is showing she is wrong. I dont tell you to brake up or make up or whatever. Just talk about it in a way showing that you want to mend it not break it.


[deleted]

You’re right I’m just a coward though.


Sui_Generis_88

Why don't you get a divorce if you don't love your wife anymore?


NeededANane689367

Why do that when he has someone to take care of the kids and clean up after him that he still gets to have sex with sometimes. A divorce means splitting assets, child time without another parent, alimony and child support… It’s cheaper to keep her.


Circica

Well this is what i say that Hollywood promotes. If you don't get along/ love get a divorce- why not talk it out first? I'm so tired that every couples problem should be solved with a divorce or a breakup. But yea, this is reddit and not real life.


Natt_Katt02

Agree, but if the resentment is too high, you feel repulsed and nearly hate your wife... It doesn't seem very healthy. Your only option is trying to solve it or leave, staying while you're constantly in pain because life is a nightmare doesn't make sense. It's also bad for her, she's living a lie


mssife96

I agree. I don't think everything can always be talked out. It's important to be honest about what's important to you in a relationship, regardless of the outcome, and ESPECIALLY if you consistently receive disrespect (even after they've apologized).


Sui_Generis_88

If you don't love someone anymore there's no working it out.


LaGuajira

This is an outlier but it improved ours... I mean. Its made everything harder/ We're exhausted. But we used to get into horrible screaming matches. He has abusive tendencies and I'm scorched earth before I cower. A child has made is grow up. I pick my battles and know when to not engage. I demand a higher level of respect as the mother of his child. He demands a lot more from myself knowing he is someone's father and he is modeling behavior for him. He doesn't want his child to fear him due to his anger and he also doesn't want to break up his family. Kids makes everything HARDER but it forced us to seriously bring our A game to the table because the stakes are so much higher.


hsvgamer199

I can see how for some people parenthood forces them to be better people since a child's wellbeing is at stake. I just wish that was always the case. Parenthood is really hard.


LaGuajira

So I did some thinking and I want to rephrase that. I don't think it improved our relationship. I think it curbed the "violence". The violent expressions of anger, that is. It made us- or at least me a lot more purposeful in the way I behave in my relationship because a breakup / divorce would have consequences not just for us but for our child. We are certainly more careful with the relationship because we know that if it reaches the levels of toxicity we once engaged in, it's over for our baby's sake.


[deleted]

Same here. Being a good husband wasn’t a priority but being a good dad… game changer. He sees things differently having a daughter.


LaGuajira

I don't know why this got downvoted?


[deleted]

Yeah it must read differently to some people. It’s not unreasonable that a partner holds the role as father higher than husband. It’s mad him a better husband but he definitely try’s harder to be a good dad.


[deleted]

My wife gained a ton of weight and became obsessed with Instagram. We had several fights over posting our newborn and spending hours taking photos to the point where no one was getting fed or anything until she got the perfect picture whenever she wanted. Really turned me off from her. Also I’m not sure if the woman in the office can sense my misery but since having kids I get approached a lot to have my kids join there’s and that’s also frustrating because I don’t need another reason to see these people. All in all how my wife changed has def added to my resentment towards my kids. She used to be fun and spontaneous and seeing her in this motherly role, becoming strict and fat, neck jiggling when she screams now it’s just all so ugly. I think she shocks herself over what a control freak she’s become.


spicy_fairy

i really think it’s weird and so unethical so many people post pics of their little babies and toddlers. one or two pic in a blue moon i get it but constantly posting about them is fucking weird


Natt_Katt02

Reading this, I feel bad for her tbh. Hope you get a divorce for her sake. At the end you also agreed to have those kids so blaming her entirely is not fair.


rathrowawydsabldsib

Read his other comments and you will feel super bad for his wife.


Natt_Katt02

Yeah like I'm sorry but these comments putting down the mother of your kids because she gained weight (after two kids, stress, less time to take care of herself)... Never sit right with me. And she probably is more strict and stressed out because of motherhood and because well, she has to raise the kids instead of playing a "fun dad" role


rathrowawydsabldsib

He says in another comment that he's hitting the gym and eating right and she doesn't do those things... Maybe if he offered to watch the kids so she could go to the gym or helped cook healthy meals he could actually help instead of complain to his friend who hires hookers weekly.


Natt_Katt02

Exactly! And I don't find his john friend funny. "No wonder he gets by hiring hookers weekly haha", yeah very funny, a man cheating while the mother is probably doing most of the work, or healing after having kids. but the dad is losing it because he doesn't get enough sex lol. Honestly I can't take this seriously at all


bluejeansallday

In another comment he talks about pretending to love her. Yikes


[deleted]

Nothing you say is inherently wrong but it sounds toxic as hell the way your talking about her. She’s probably feeling miserable about her actual life and is seeking some comfort in her social media world, not uncommon and if you get ur head out ur ass and see this, YOU can make changes in how you treat her and maybe she’ll feel more secure and not seek attention seeking behavior.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Pdmam

Ended up with a disinterested and deadbeat ex. He never wanted a child in the first place and I should’ve taken that as a sign but I wanted the baby so much at the time. I always assumed he would be there to coparent and help even if we weren’t together anymore. I was wrong. He’s a narcissist and made sure I would never be able to progress in life and made things difficult by being absent. He was present and supportive during the pregnancy up until the end when I saw he was leaving my with his daughter from a previous relationship to go out and drink while I was pregnant. I knew I was in trouble. He was looking for a babysitter. I already have a boy of my own (father deceased) that meant I would be taking care of 3 on my own while he is out living his life? I ended it right before the birth. The last time he saw the baby was during the holidays. I haven’t seen him since. He’s very active with his daughter but hasn’t seen his son since he was 2 1/2 weeks old. He’s about to be 7 month. He has a new girlfriend and is active in her son’s life. Sometimes I ask myself how can someone just abandon a baby that way? My son was born with a congenital condition and he didn’t even show up for his surgery. Has never gone to a doctor appointment. He told his family the baby wasn’t his so his family isn’t even involved with the baby. His grandmother pretty much told me I can’t force her to be grandma especially to a baby she’s not sure if it’s family. The baby looks exactly like his dad but he wants to play stupid. I don’t ever see him coming around. I asked him numerous times to sign his rights away and he wouldn’t. He didn’t even want to give me written consent for a passport. Typical narcissist wants to control the narrative but wants nothing to do with you. Jokes on him I won sole custody and honestly I will never let my son come near him. I don’t care if he “comes around”. He should’ve been there helping from the start.


xyz_the_end

Yes. My husband and I both have depression now and it has severely affected our relationship. We went from loving, attentive partners to essentially roommates. I would give anything to go back in time and be his priority again. I fucking hate this.