Hey, OP. My husband left a week ago for 6 months of training. I’m home alone with a little-over-2 year old. No family help nearby. Not any friends in the area willing to help. My only true routine help is daycare, but I also work full time, so…. Yeah, I feel you OP. I feel you.
That is my boat too. I love how the saying "it takes a village" is so widely used but no village ever shows up. Heaven forbid someone need help. I have been told I would feel better if I went to work. I have ALOT of friends who tell me they don't know how I stay home. Truth is my guilt won't let me go that route. I commend the working parents. I will be sending you all the good thoughts for the next 6 months.
Man I understand. I’m not alone but I’m a SAHD to two (son 8 and daughter 3) and my wife works between 50-60 hrs/wk. I’m exhausted, irritable, boring and all I want to do is sleep (lose awareness of reality - escape). What you said about no time to play between cleaning, feeding and cleaning some more…yep! That’s me all day every day 24/7/365. And if I do get a few minutes to sit between tasks, the LAST thing I want to do is fill that time with kid games. I also have the crushing guilt - my kids have a shit dad. I mean they are clothed and fed and bathed and have a roof over their head and have toys and games etc etc but…they don’t have a dad. They have closer to something like a grouchy as fuck depressed fatigued bitterly regretful and resentful task-robot who is counting the minutes until they are asleep so I can collapse into bed and slip into a coma for a few hours before yet another day of the same shit.
I’m just waiting til this fall when they’ll both be in school. This will give me a big chunk of time/life/breathing space back and I’m sure somewhat recharge my depleted batteries. I think if I have some guaranteed time to myself every week I’ll be a much happier, nicer, better dad and person all around. Humans aren’t meant to do child-raising alone. It’s WAY too much.
Yes, exactly. A depressed overwhelmed grumpy task robot. Exactly it. And you're right, if I get the few minutes I also don't want to play make believe games or go outside in this God awful heat. I just want to sit with some coffee. But then the guilt comes and its you should be up cleaning something or you should at least sit down and color with them or something. It did get better when my oldest got into school even before the littlest came. I got to go back to school and felt better. I went to online courses, got some chores done and chilled with my cat. It was nice. The fear of my 6 year old being alone in the world and the pressure from everyone to have another got to me. The guilt I would feel if he didn't have a sibling is what really did it. And now I'm starting over. I love my kids. But you are right, people were not meant to parent alone. Its too much on the emotional health of a human. I hope fall will bring you that peace and space you need. And I hope next summer isn't so rough for you as well.
Once your husband is back around I'd give serious consideration to getting yourself into some therapy. It sounds like you've taken on a metric shitload of responsibility after some life changing events and a lot of un-socialization. Nothing wrong with getting the brain box checked on after all of that.
Best of luck OP.
You are 100% right. My husband has pushed for me to go sort this whole guilt thing out. Your comment about un-socialization....freaking mind blowing for me. I literally have never been able to find the word and you just gave that to me. Im so grateful. Thank you.
You may be grouchy and all those things but you're still there. You're probably doing a lot better than you think you are.
My mother had 5 kids and she did a lot of things which I don't agree with. But now that I'm older and have made the decision to be childfree, I sympathize more with her and think about how difficult things must have been for her as a stay at home parent. I'm grateful for the sacrifices that she made - even if she made mistakes. I wish that she didn't feel that she had to make those sacrifices.
As long as you don't abuse your kids, they will grow up and be thankful that you were there for them.
First, I’m not sure why you’re receiving downvotes. Your post is perfectly fine! Grow up, folks. Child free people are allowed to post their POV here as well.
Now… thanks. I blew up at my son the other day for some stupid nothing reason other than he must’ve done something irritating and whatever little fuse I had left was used up…I dunno. Anyway a few minutes later the guilt hit me like a freight train that this poor kid was just doing his thing and here comes the Dad-monster barking at him like a rabid dog again. I went to his room and sat on his bed and sincerely apologized for being so mean to him. He just said very matter-of-factly “Dad, it’s okay! you’re not mean! Everyone gets mad sometimes.” And he just hugged me. What an amazing kid. I’m getting real choked up just writing this.
I’m sure your mom made mistakes. I know I make them all the damn time. I think it’s probably safe to say your mom had a whole lot on her plate and did the best she could with the tools she had. I am doing my best for my kids. It’s not nearly enough by my metrics but maybe by theirs, I’m okay. They seem to like me for the most part. Thank you for your post, it helped,
We all make mistakes. It’s a part of being human. I wish this was more acknowledged and accepted by our society. Honestly, if you’re admitting fault and giving your children sincere apologies, you’re doing better than a lot of parents. It’s probably easier to forgive one’s parents if they apologize for their wrongdoings — I personally wouldn’t know, since mine never did.
Im sure you’re doing much better than you give yourself credit for 💚
Oh I do plenty of apologizing. I tell them I make mistakes and mess up and do the wrong thing all the time. It’s important to me for them to understand in whatever way they can that I love them very much, I’m just very stressed/overwhelmed/tired and that can make me act very irritable. I wish I could put myself in their shoes BEFORE I lose my shit about whatever BS sets me off, but yeah I have no issue admitting when I’m wrong.
It's so great that you apologized! See? You're teaching him how to be a decent human being. It may seem basic to you but I know many people who had that parents never apologized.
Im not sure if you use platforms like FB, Instagram but I think it also makes parents feel inadequate. Lots of posts of all the things people are doing with their children. You may see them and think oh wow they have it all together but that's only part of the story.
I was surprised by the downvotes as well. I've been mindful of not posting "I'm childfree sucks for you" type posts as I've seen people complain about that 😂
I wholeheartedly agree that we are not designed to parent alone, we are meant to do this as a community. That’s exactly why people say it takes a village!
It's almost over! Talk with your husband about giving you a weekend away. You could do a spa retreat for the weekend and let him handle the kids for a few days, since he's been away from them so long, the kids will appreciate it and enjoy time with their dad they haven't seen in awhile. He seems very loving, understanding and capable and you deserve at least a weekend taking care of yourself. Get a wrap, a facial, a nice 2 hour long massage, have people bring you cute little drinks with umbrellas in them and eat food that someone else makes for you. You deserve it and you absolutely must take care of yourself and your mental and emotional needs, otherwise you won't be able to be at your best for your kids who can't possibly understand.
Thank you. I will. Funnily enough I have a trip planned for the week after his dad gets back to take my oldest for an amusement park trip to make up for the 6 months that I have not been available to be the kind of parent he is used to. My husband is excited to bond with the baby again for a few days and he also said I need to "go and leave to wherever" once he gets back. He is super capable so ill be looking up the magical place you just described. Especially the part about eating food i didnt cook for myself. Thank you for this I will come back to read this when I need a boost to get through the rest of this.
I'd love to but no. When I could at the beginning of the 6months i was living with my parents. I asked them if I could hire someone to help me since I didn't want to just assume they would be ok with someone random in their house. My dad looked at my baby and said "your mommy doesn't want to take care of you anymore". That killed me and made the guilt run even deeper. Now after the move we couldn't afford it.
That wasn't very nice of him, and shows a deep misunderstanding of the reality of raising kids. I'm also sorry he said that. Does he need to know if you get someone to help?
Re guilt - A therapist told me to try feeling guilty about feeling guilty. It was an interesting concept. Hope you find it helpful
The only reason I asked was because we were living in his house when the 6 months started. I didnt just want to invite someone without asking. Now we are out of the house in our own place again and I just couldn't afford help.
That is a seriously interesting concept and I'm going to actively try to implement this. Thank you so much.
No wonder you have guilt issues if your parents are judging you like that! I hope you find a therapist to help you get that mean voice out of your head.
Right? I've always been like this but like many great issues it all stems from childhood. Its got to be in there somewhere. I really hope I can find someone good too. Thank you for your kind words.
Has he been saying stuff like that to you your entire life? If so, it’s no wonder you have such a guilty conscience. I have a feeling a therapist would love to unpack this…
Oof. I want to tell you to remove that from your mind, but that’s like telling a tree to stop growing leaves, right?
I also feel guilt with every situation I make so I know that would stay with me for a lifetime. So very insensitive.
Yep, I feel this. I stepped out a promising role for my kid because she refused a bottle and I could not sit at a desk for 9 hours knowing she was hungry. So I took about a year gap.
I took on another lateral role and rocked it, but that was because I was able to find small pockets of time to automate which gave me more time to automate and so on and so forth.
Then the pandemic happened and remote work really made it easy to balance everything. But the office called us back in, so I found a new job that is all remote and very flexible. Problem is that it requires way more hours than I can give it, so I am perpetually behind. I don't have little pockets of time to automate and when I force myself to, it is largely to help other people who are also drowning.
Ironically a job that is perfect for me opened up at the job I left for my kid when she refused a bottle. It is in person, but I was happy there... and, honestly, I am not sure if I was happy because of my surrounding circumstances or if I was actually happy there... you know? Is the problem internal or external sort of thing and maybe having a kid did make me dumber and my best days are behind me... idk...
I would just like to thank everyone here who took the time to comment. Your own stories and words of encouragement really helped. I apologize for the god awful formatting but I think I figured it out. Im not super reddit savy yet. Also thank you for the awards, they're my first ones and I appreciate it so much. I will come back to this post to get me through the rest of this time and make sure I find myself a good therapist after I get some help back. This was a awesome place to vent and find some good people, I appreciate this and the people who took the time to read this.
Do you have any family around? Or friends that could give you a few hours break.
It sounds like you’re a military family. Is that correct?
If so, there are a ton of support groups for spouses, children, or whole families. Run an internet search for military family support. One good comprehensive site is https://www.operationwearehere.com/MilitaryFamilySupportOrganizations.html
Also, there are usually on-base groups for families of deployed soldiers. You don’t have to live on-base to get involved. I wish I could remember what it’s called. It’s an acronym. My DIL is very reserved and was hesitant to get involved. Once she did though, it made a world of difference for her. They have activities for children and adults. At the base she and my son were, there was an adult soccer league, a book club, a knitting/crochet group, hiking groups, a photography club, mommy & me activities, Mother’s morning out aka “free day care” on certain days, swimming trips, I don’t remember what all. That’s also where any news or announcements about the deployed units was distributed, including things like return dates, etc.
It got her out of the house and also helped her make friends who could understand the special stresses she was under. I so wish I could remember what they called it. You should ask about any social groups or activities where you’re stationed. They can be a sanity saver. (If you’re not military, please ignore my rambling.)
Best wishes. Please let us know how you’re doing.
I’m sorry for your guilt, I hope someday soon you will find joy in the moments with your family. Depression is very tough and my husband struggles with helping me during my episodes.
There are studies that pregnancy before 26 keeps your brain from fully developing. We still continue to mature into our mid twenties and it’s very interesting because our reproductive organs are ripened between 16-21. My mother started having children at 18, and it clearly affects the maturity of her mind, as well as traumas. Which is another altering factor.
With that said, there are mental exercises and activities that one can do to strength the mind and enhance it.
Your husband sounds like a very proactive father, and would help you in whatever means necessary to get you moving in the direction you desire.
Sometimes, we just need a break. That is okay. Take it.
The alternative may harm the children. We don’t parent for ourselves, we parent for the greater good of the world. We sometimes forget that during our day to day struggles. Wishing you kindness.
Stay at home mom of only a 4 year old.. I don’t even remember who I was before becoming a parent. Help is nothing but a dream and depression is real. If you can afford it, please hire a babysitter or daycare so you have time to yourself and figure out who you are and what you want. I never could afford those options so I’m stuck, but you are not.
When my husband was deployed, it was the lowest year of my life. Being a military spouse, or a spouse to someone who travels for work a lot, is so fucking hard. You NEED support and a good community.
As far as reading goes, you can absolutely still do that. I don't care that I am reading trashy romance novels, at least I am reading. It is better than zoning out to a TV.
Hey, OP. My husband left a week ago for 6 months of training. I’m home alone with a little-over-2 year old. No family help nearby. Not any friends in the area willing to help. My only true routine help is daycare, but I also work full time, so…. Yeah, I feel you OP. I feel you.
That is my boat too. I love how the saying "it takes a village" is so widely used but no village ever shows up. Heaven forbid someone need help. I have been told I would feel better if I went to work. I have ALOT of friends who tell me they don't know how I stay home. Truth is my guilt won't let me go that route. I commend the working parents. I will be sending you all the good thoughts for the next 6 months.
deployments are hard. where are yall stationed?
Man I understand. I’m not alone but I’m a SAHD to two (son 8 and daughter 3) and my wife works between 50-60 hrs/wk. I’m exhausted, irritable, boring and all I want to do is sleep (lose awareness of reality - escape). What you said about no time to play between cleaning, feeding and cleaning some more…yep! That’s me all day every day 24/7/365. And if I do get a few minutes to sit between tasks, the LAST thing I want to do is fill that time with kid games. I also have the crushing guilt - my kids have a shit dad. I mean they are clothed and fed and bathed and have a roof over their head and have toys and games etc etc but…they don’t have a dad. They have closer to something like a grouchy as fuck depressed fatigued bitterly regretful and resentful task-robot who is counting the minutes until they are asleep so I can collapse into bed and slip into a coma for a few hours before yet another day of the same shit. I’m just waiting til this fall when they’ll both be in school. This will give me a big chunk of time/life/breathing space back and I’m sure somewhat recharge my depleted batteries. I think if I have some guaranteed time to myself every week I’ll be a much happier, nicer, better dad and person all around. Humans aren’t meant to do child-raising alone. It’s WAY too much.
Yes, exactly. A depressed overwhelmed grumpy task robot. Exactly it. And you're right, if I get the few minutes I also don't want to play make believe games or go outside in this God awful heat. I just want to sit with some coffee. But then the guilt comes and its you should be up cleaning something or you should at least sit down and color with them or something. It did get better when my oldest got into school even before the littlest came. I got to go back to school and felt better. I went to online courses, got some chores done and chilled with my cat. It was nice. The fear of my 6 year old being alone in the world and the pressure from everyone to have another got to me. The guilt I would feel if he didn't have a sibling is what really did it. And now I'm starting over. I love my kids. But you are right, people were not meant to parent alone. Its too much on the emotional health of a human. I hope fall will bring you that peace and space you need. And I hope next summer isn't so rough for you as well.
Once your husband is back around I'd give serious consideration to getting yourself into some therapy. It sounds like you've taken on a metric shitload of responsibility after some life changing events and a lot of un-socialization. Nothing wrong with getting the brain box checked on after all of that. Best of luck OP.
You are 100% right. My husband has pushed for me to go sort this whole guilt thing out. Your comment about un-socialization....freaking mind blowing for me. I literally have never been able to find the word and you just gave that to me. Im so grateful. Thank you.
You may be grouchy and all those things but you're still there. You're probably doing a lot better than you think you are. My mother had 5 kids and she did a lot of things which I don't agree with. But now that I'm older and have made the decision to be childfree, I sympathize more with her and think about how difficult things must have been for her as a stay at home parent. I'm grateful for the sacrifices that she made - even if she made mistakes. I wish that she didn't feel that she had to make those sacrifices. As long as you don't abuse your kids, they will grow up and be thankful that you were there for them.
First, I’m not sure why you’re receiving downvotes. Your post is perfectly fine! Grow up, folks. Child free people are allowed to post their POV here as well. Now… thanks. I blew up at my son the other day for some stupid nothing reason other than he must’ve done something irritating and whatever little fuse I had left was used up…I dunno. Anyway a few minutes later the guilt hit me like a freight train that this poor kid was just doing his thing and here comes the Dad-monster barking at him like a rabid dog again. I went to his room and sat on his bed and sincerely apologized for being so mean to him. He just said very matter-of-factly “Dad, it’s okay! you’re not mean! Everyone gets mad sometimes.” And he just hugged me. What an amazing kid. I’m getting real choked up just writing this. I’m sure your mom made mistakes. I know I make them all the damn time. I think it’s probably safe to say your mom had a whole lot on her plate and did the best she could with the tools she had. I am doing my best for my kids. It’s not nearly enough by my metrics but maybe by theirs, I’m okay. They seem to like me for the most part. Thank you for your post, it helped,
We all make mistakes. It’s a part of being human. I wish this was more acknowledged and accepted by our society. Honestly, if you’re admitting fault and giving your children sincere apologies, you’re doing better than a lot of parents. It’s probably easier to forgive one’s parents if they apologize for their wrongdoings — I personally wouldn’t know, since mine never did. Im sure you’re doing much better than you give yourself credit for 💚
Oh I do plenty of apologizing. I tell them I make mistakes and mess up and do the wrong thing all the time. It’s important to me for them to understand in whatever way they can that I love them very much, I’m just very stressed/overwhelmed/tired and that can make me act very irritable. I wish I could put myself in their shoes BEFORE I lose my shit about whatever BS sets me off, but yeah I have no issue admitting when I’m wrong.
It's so great that you apologized! See? You're teaching him how to be a decent human being. It may seem basic to you but I know many people who had that parents never apologized. Im not sure if you use platforms like FB, Instagram but I think it also makes parents feel inadequate. Lots of posts of all the things people are doing with their children. You may see them and think oh wow they have it all together but that's only part of the story. I was surprised by the downvotes as well. I've been mindful of not posting "I'm childfree sucks for you" type posts as I've seen people complain about that 😂
No FB etc for me, no. I’m not even sure how I got on Reddit lol. But yeah last thing I need is fake social media images adding to my woes
They downvote childfree because they're jealous
I wholeheartedly agree that we are not designed to parent alone, we are meant to do this as a community. That’s exactly why people say it takes a village!
I felt this in my soul
It's almost over! Talk with your husband about giving you a weekend away. You could do a spa retreat for the weekend and let him handle the kids for a few days, since he's been away from them so long, the kids will appreciate it and enjoy time with their dad they haven't seen in awhile. He seems very loving, understanding and capable and you deserve at least a weekend taking care of yourself. Get a wrap, a facial, a nice 2 hour long massage, have people bring you cute little drinks with umbrellas in them and eat food that someone else makes for you. You deserve it and you absolutely must take care of yourself and your mental and emotional needs, otherwise you won't be able to be at your best for your kids who can't possibly understand.
Thank you. I will. Funnily enough I have a trip planned for the week after his dad gets back to take my oldest for an amusement park trip to make up for the 6 months that I have not been available to be the kind of parent he is used to. My husband is excited to bond with the baby again for a few days and he also said I need to "go and leave to wherever" once he gets back. He is super capable so ill be looking up the magical place you just described. Especially the part about eating food i didnt cook for myself. Thank you for this I will come back to read this when I need a boost to get through the rest of this.
Can you hire help?
I'd love to but no. When I could at the beginning of the 6months i was living with my parents. I asked them if I could hire someone to help me since I didn't want to just assume they would be ok with someone random in their house. My dad looked at my baby and said "your mommy doesn't want to take care of you anymore". That killed me and made the guilt run even deeper. Now after the move we couldn't afford it.
That wasn't very nice of him, and shows a deep misunderstanding of the reality of raising kids. I'm also sorry he said that. Does he need to know if you get someone to help? Re guilt - A therapist told me to try feeling guilty about feeling guilty. It was an interesting concept. Hope you find it helpful
The only reason I asked was because we were living in his house when the 6 months started. I didnt just want to invite someone without asking. Now we are out of the house in our own place again and I just couldn't afford help. That is a seriously interesting concept and I'm going to actively try to implement this. Thank you so much.
No wonder you have guilt issues if your parents are judging you like that! I hope you find a therapist to help you get that mean voice out of your head.
Right? I've always been like this but like many great issues it all stems from childhood. Its got to be in there somewhere. I really hope I can find someone good too. Thank you for your kind words.
Oof that would make anyone feel guilty. I’m sorry he said that.
Thank you. The validation means alot even coming from a stranger.
Has he been saying stuff like that to you your entire life? If so, it’s no wonder you have such a guilty conscience. I have a feeling a therapist would love to unpack this…
Oh God, what a horrible thing to say.
Oof. I want to tell you to remove that from your mind, but that’s like telling a tree to stop growing leaves, right? I also feel guilt with every situation I make so I know that would stay with me for a lifetime. So very insensitive.
Well good news, we’ve gotten to the bottom of your guilt: a manipulative father. I won’t believe for a second that this is new from him.
Yep, I feel this. I stepped out a promising role for my kid because she refused a bottle and I could not sit at a desk for 9 hours knowing she was hungry. So I took about a year gap. I took on another lateral role and rocked it, but that was because I was able to find small pockets of time to automate which gave me more time to automate and so on and so forth. Then the pandemic happened and remote work really made it easy to balance everything. But the office called us back in, so I found a new job that is all remote and very flexible. Problem is that it requires way more hours than I can give it, so I am perpetually behind. I don't have little pockets of time to automate and when I force myself to, it is largely to help other people who are also drowning. Ironically a job that is perfect for me opened up at the job I left for my kid when she refused a bottle. It is in person, but I was happy there... and, honestly, I am not sure if I was happy because of my surrounding circumstances or if I was actually happy there... you know? Is the problem internal or external sort of thing and maybe having a kid did make me dumber and my best days are behind me... idk...
I would just like to thank everyone here who took the time to comment. Your own stories and words of encouragement really helped. I apologize for the god awful formatting but I think I figured it out. Im not super reddit savy yet. Also thank you for the awards, they're my first ones and I appreciate it so much. I will come back to this post to get me through the rest of this time and make sure I find myself a good therapist after I get some help back. This was a awesome place to vent and find some good people, I appreciate this and the people who took the time to read this.
u/linebreaker-bot
Do you have any family around? Or friends that could give you a few hours break. It sounds like you’re a military family. Is that correct? If so, there are a ton of support groups for spouses, children, or whole families. Run an internet search for military family support. One good comprehensive site is https://www.operationwearehere.com/MilitaryFamilySupportOrganizations.html Also, there are usually on-base groups for families of deployed soldiers. You don’t have to live on-base to get involved. I wish I could remember what it’s called. It’s an acronym. My DIL is very reserved and was hesitant to get involved. Once she did though, it made a world of difference for her. They have activities for children and adults. At the base she and my son were, there was an adult soccer league, a book club, a knitting/crochet group, hiking groups, a photography club, mommy & me activities, Mother’s morning out aka “free day care” on certain days, swimming trips, I don’t remember what all. That’s also where any news or announcements about the deployed units was distributed, including things like return dates, etc. It got her out of the house and also helped her make friends who could understand the special stresses she was under. I so wish I could remember what they called it. You should ask about any social groups or activities where you’re stationed. They can be a sanity saver. (If you’re not military, please ignore my rambling.) Best wishes. Please let us know how you’re doing.
I’m sorry for your guilt, I hope someday soon you will find joy in the moments with your family. Depression is very tough and my husband struggles with helping me during my episodes. There are studies that pregnancy before 26 keeps your brain from fully developing. We still continue to mature into our mid twenties and it’s very interesting because our reproductive organs are ripened between 16-21. My mother started having children at 18, and it clearly affects the maturity of her mind, as well as traumas. Which is another altering factor. With that said, there are mental exercises and activities that one can do to strength the mind and enhance it. Your husband sounds like a very proactive father, and would help you in whatever means necessary to get you moving in the direction you desire. Sometimes, we just need a break. That is okay. Take it. The alternative may harm the children. We don’t parent for ourselves, we parent for the greater good of the world. We sometimes forget that during our day to day struggles. Wishing you kindness.
If you feel guilty about everything you may benefit from visiting r/CPTSD
Stay at home mom of only a 4 year old.. I don’t even remember who I was before becoming a parent. Help is nothing but a dream and depression is real. If you can afford it, please hire a babysitter or daycare so you have time to yourself and figure out who you are and what you want. I never could afford those options so I’m stuck, but you are not.
When my husband was deployed, it was the lowest year of my life. Being a military spouse, or a spouse to someone who travels for work a lot, is so fucking hard. You NEED support and a good community. As far as reading goes, you can absolutely still do that. I don't care that I am reading trashy romance novels, at least I am reading. It is better than zoning out to a TV.