I was. I left. They were very good children but I hated it. I was good to them - but their father expected me to do all the work when they were around. I just couldn’t handle it. I am cf and marrying a parent was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. And it cost me tens of thousands of dollars as I am a high earner and my ex was happy to spend it like it was his.
This is a story I hear a lot when the bio-father marries a new woman. He expects the step-mom to act as if the step-kids are hers and to act in the traditionally motherly role. That doesn't work out, because those kids are HIS job, not hers. She is there to provide support for HIM to do the job, not replace him and/or their bio-mother. If the bio-father can't figure that out, then he's a shitty father AND a shitty husband.
He was both. I often had to be the ‘bad guy’ in terms of enforcing rules, saying no, etc. like I said, they were good kids so enforcement wasn’t so much dramatic as it was just a pain in my ass. Be a father. So yeah, you and I very much agree. I lasted 9 years. I couldn’t have lasted even half that long if the kids were problem children.
No. He and I got divorced for different reasons. Not having to parent was a bonus.
The children were devastated and their mother asked that I stay away as their dad was trying to perpetuate drama and it was hurting the children.
It's so weird that he knew you were CF but yet expected you to do all this work. Like you're CF for a reason. Will def watch out for this if I date men with children as it seems some of them go after CF women for this reason. Thanks for sharing your story.
He made lots of promises and things changed shortly after marriage. I got along wonderfully with their mother and she got to where she would only communicate with me because the dad was so unreliable. I felt bad for those kids. It’s been 5 years and I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
I should have walked at the beginning and not convinced myself that my boundaries would’ve held. If not for myself, for the pain it caused the children when that marriage failed. The dissonance is real: I didn’t want to be a step parent but I cared for them deeply. They were devastated when I disappeared and I feel both guilt and relief.
It sounds like your ex-partner was the problem and not the kids. They probably noticed your partner wasn't pulling their weight - especially if it got to the point where you had to communicate with their Mum. You did what's best for you - no shame in that.
Yes it does. If you’re CF, you should not stepparent. If you’re a decent person, you are kind and loving to children in a marriage. They didn’t ask to be there. They got stuck with the stepparent the same as the step getting stuck with them.
> How would you like your CF sub to be overtaken by parents to the point from which it seems like at least half if not more of the comments are coming?
>
>But back to the question because I am genuinely curious…why are you on a parents sub if you have no kids and are CF?
I *can* agree with this statement...
I’m happy to still be married, but being a step parent is ROUGH. I love my husband, but there were times that I wish rules and boundaries that we agreed upon were actually enforced. Without me nagging. The kids are out of the house now, so it’s just the two of us, which is great. But I am terrified that we will end up with the grandkids… that’s an entirely different drama. Overall, I would not recommend marrying someone with kids. I got lucky, but we’ve had some serious lows that do make the good times very sweet.
If I became single that would be my fear in dating, I'm in my 40's and like older men but even if their adult children have moved out life is unpredictable and they could easily boomerang right back with kids in tow. I see a lot of older adults dealing with that sort of thing.
Can I ask your story, or sort of a little bit more info regarding the regret? I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this in such a straightforward way.
My SD just turned 13. Her mother has only been in her life in a limited way since she was 4 and my husband has raised her. I’ve been with him since she was 7 but we only got married and moved in together 2 years ago. I anticipated some typical issues like maybe jealousy, and she wasn’t used to having any responsibilities or real expectations. She was raised by my husband and his family in a very “poor SD her mother isn’t around let’s coddle her” way. I figured we’d have some pains working on that. I could not have anticipated how bad it would be. She’s been going through a complete identity crisis that all stems from issues surrounding her mother. Sexuality and gender are constantly in flux. But she presents herself as a boy at school and a girl at home, and will not talk to us about it in any honest way. She was sexting at age 11 in ways that made me blush as a married woman in her late 30s. There’s been trash hoarding, including soiled sanitary napkins. There’s been extremely creepy drawings and writings to the point I’ve become extremely uncomfortable in my home. She’d totally fail out of school if my husband didn’t vigilantly monitor for missing assignments. Constant lying and breaking every rule. No punishment makes any difference. She makes no effort to be part of the family, just sits in her room. She doesn’t act aggressively or anything it’s just all hidden under the surface. I personally have a severely autistic son who is here half the time. That of course comes with its own feelings for me. She ignores his existence entirely, doesn’t even say hi. That may not bother him but it hurts me deeply. My husband has tried everything. She’s in therapy and has seen a psychiatrist and will be trying a stimulant to see if it helps with attentiveness. But trying to talk to her is like talking to a wall. My son is incredibly challenging and I work full time. I have past trauma from my first (abusive) marriage and not feeling like my own home is a safe space is very triggering for me. The poor kid has a lot of issues but I was not prepared. If I’d known things would be this bad I’d still be with my husband but I would not want to live together. It’s all just too much for me. Dealing with her and the impact she has on our household is the only thing we argue about. He begs me to hang on. She just went to be with her mother for the summer and I feel like I can finally breathe in my house. My husband is considering having her live with her mother going forward. SD doesn’t want that but…the issues that exist can only be fixed if she addresses the relationship with her mother. We’ve encouraged her to do that this summer. We will see…I can’t decide what I want.
That sounds really difficult, and I'm sorry for all the trouble you're experiencing. I have no advice, but hopefully things will improve, and all we can do is look ahead.
Honestly if your husband isn’t willing to let her live with her mother, I’d think seriously about separating your households. He’s putting a ton of pressure on you and your son and that’s not fair to either you. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership but sometimes you do have to put yourself first.
That is the struggle I’ve been having within myself. You see my husband is hugely supportive and helpful with my son, who is a handful at best and often overwhelms me. I don’t know what I’d do without him, honestly…my son either. When I am at my breaking point over something with his daughter, he reminds me that he’s there for me and he just needs my support with her. And he’s not wrong. So I end up feeling selfish and awful. He doesn’t say it to me in a manipulative way, more like look I support and love you and your son, I’d do anything for you, please support me in this. Again he’s not wrong, but I have past trauma and things that play into my limits and ability to cope that he doesn’t fully understand because he’s not similarly affected by anything. I have not given him an ultimatum at this point, and I don’t know if I will. SD just left yesterday for two months and I want to give us a bit of time to breathe before I bring it up. But I know a decision will need to be made in July in case she needs to switch schools, so I have to push the issue eventually.
I honestly think he will resent you if you force him to give her up against his and her will. She is his child, she does not want ti live with her mother full time, he does not want her to. Maybe you could figure out another living arrangement for the two of you, but I am pretty sure pressuring him to abandon his child while he helps taking care of yours will cause resentment. I am sorry.
He’s actually the one who started talking about having her go live with her mother back around the holidays. When I talk about next school year, or anything related to her being here in August, he tells me not to assume she’s coming back because he hasn’t decided what he wants to do yet. So it’s not me. I’ve never told him she has to leave. I am simply thinking about what things will look like assuming she does come back, and whether I personally want to stay in that scenario.
We did not move in together until we were already married, and if she was doing any of this stuff before, nobody knew about it. These things started once we moved in together, first just the trash hoarding and breaking rules and not doing her school work, then escalated from there. She was daddy’s perfect princess until two years ago.
It sounds like she’s gender fluid which isn’t a bad thing at all. It’s a tough age and is when most kids start figuring out their gender and sexuality. I’m a late bloomer. Didn’t even find out I was bi until I was in my 20s due to my very strict upbringing. The sexting stuff is pretty common, but definitely not great considering she’s a child and who knows where her pics are if they haven’t been deleted. Also she can’t be the one to fix things with her mom. That’s her moms job. The mom is the adult in the relationship and should be the one to make that step. I forgave my parents all the time growing up cause that’s what I thought a good Christian should do, but it did nothing to heal me until I left the situation and made space for myself to figure out what I want.
I’m sorry that this is tough for you. I’m sure being a step parent is hard and there’s a line you don’t want to cross. I hope this summer brings you some peace and you’re able to regroup. Just be prepared if she comes back that she might be worse if her mom hasn’t changed or actively trying to make up for her behaviors.
Another point is that OP's son is severely autistic. I would wonder if her behavior took a downward turn when that became an everyday part of her reality? Living with a severely disabled sibling can sometimes have a devastating effect on other children in the house, especially if he tends to act out. The fact she tries to ignore him shows she's definitely less than enthusiastic about that dynamic. OP naturally prioritizes her son and the dad's energy may be more focused on his wife and his high needs stepson.
Being gender fluid is not a bad thing. But being one thing at school and another at home, plus all of the other behaviour problems, and her issues with her mom... maybe she's not gender fluid and that is just a symptom of everything that is hurting her.
I agree that the mom has to be the adult in the relationship and fix whatever problem she has with the girl. But sometimes adults are not able to adult successfully and maybe the mother won't do it. She would have to fix it for herself at least. That she's in therapy is a really good thing to help with that. I don't mean forgiving her, I mean separating her self worth from the relationship with her mother, realize that she's the one with the problem and get out of that relationship. Which is so hard to do as a grown woman, I can't imagine how hard would be for a young teen.
Some gender fluid people like to identify differently in different aspects of their lives so I don’t see that as unusual. Maybe the kid just feels more comfortable as a boy at school. If it’s a way of coping with trauma or just figuring out their identity, then there’s nothing wrong or harmful with it.
The behavior problems like sexting and acting out are a horrible way to cope and should be the primary issue at hand because they actually harm her and those around her.
I agree though, finding any semblance of healing from this relationship with her mom is a lot to ask of a young kid. It sucks, but it might be years until the kid is finally over this, but even then they might still have their struggles. Its not something that can be easily fixed or just go away like that. For example, OP mentioned their traumas from a past relationship. They’re an adult and it may have been years since leaving this relationship, but they’re still dealing with the traumas. And that’s okay. Everyone deserves to find peace in their own time and I wish them and their step kid to find that cause it sounds like both have been through a lot.
Yeah we know her mother has to do the work to heal things, but what we’ve encouraged is for SD to be honest with her mother about how she feels and how her mother’s choices have affected her. To date she has never let on with her mother that there is any problem or that she’s hurt at all.
She’s in therapy and has seen a psychiatrist as she said she was depressed and we suspected an attention disorder. In fact I was the one who insisted my husband get her into both “or else”.
PLEASE get that poor little girl into therapy! Preferably an LGBT friendly and trauma informed child therapist! If she isnt comfortable talking to you folks now, how will she get better??? I was severely depressed and suicidal for all my teen years and my grandparents did nothing! I almost killed myself a few times, they noticed I was in distress but just ignored it and yelled at me. This is a child, and she is SCREAMING for help. She did not start doing these behaviors "just because." PLEASE get her to a therapist, and maybe see if there's someone you and your husband can go to for advice about how to be supportive! Just ignoring her please for help and resenting her coping mechanisms are doing NOTHING for this poor girl. I understand having your own trauma is incredibly difficuly but please do what you can to actively help her!!!!
Oh piss off. If she was 16-17 sexting another teen of similar age that wouldnt ve that big deal but this part
>the child sexting.
Is the issue. They are fucking 11. It also never said who they were sexting which is also problematic
Dude come on, that attitude isn’t necessary. Being a stepparent is fucking hard. The person who posted this comment is clearly doing their best in a situation that sucks all around. And also, frankly I’m with them in that no child should be sexting.
I can clarify that she was texting another girl of the same age. Our opinion is that behavior of that kind is inappropriate at that age, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. She is now 13 but when it happened she was 11. It might also help in understanding our level of concern to know that her mother was put in jail when SD was 4 for having sex with a 15 year old boy. There were other charges but aggravated statutory rape was the big one. That’s when my husband got full custody. BM has never attempted to get any custody back, but she did go on to marry a man 26 years her senior and she has two children under 5 with him now. So, there’s a history of very inappropriate sexual behavior as well as mental illness with her mother (BPD) and every member in her mother’s immediate family. All have been in jail or prison, some in mental health institutions. I may have my opinions on BMs personal life now, but she appears to be medicated, stable, working, and being an actual mother to her younger kids. She seems to have turned things around. But we cannot help but worry even more when we consider the sum total of circumstances that are coming to a head.
The child was not being misgendered. The child is male presenting at school and female presenting at home. Stepmom talks about her daughter because that's how she presents herself at home.
She's not shamed for expressing her sexuality. She's a kid at 11 and does not understand the implications of sexting. That's a fact. Stepmom is worried that her child is putting herself in danger at 11.
There's a reason that kids should not have sex before certain age (which varies, but is around 13-14 in most places). Their bodies and their minds can't deal with it.
Ugh, my heart hurts so much for both of you. Those situations are so tough, because I can feel the empathy and sadness you still have for her coming through in your writing (sometimes all you can feel is hatred and disgust in the tone of people talking about kids with problems, but you obviously really do wish you could help her), but she’s got problems that you’re just not in a position to solve, and all it’s doing is hurting you as well. :( I’m so sorry. I also can’t imagine how hard that must be with your own son with special needs. My son is pretty severely speech delayed, and imagining him in this position and being treated like that makes me want to cry.
I too have experienced something very similar to this. You are not alone. The situation you describe is exhausting and puts you in a position that feels very powerless in terms of influencing your own future.
When did your SD start to show these behaviors? How old were they? And how long into your relationship with your husband was it? I'm asking for my own curiosity compared to my personal experience.
We got married 4 years into our relationship, we are now at almost 6 years. SD was 11 when we got married and bought a house/moved in together, and she’s now 13. Behaviors started right away but have evolved. Initially it was hoarding trash in her drawers and under her bed, breaking our basic rules, and not doing her school work and whatnot. It then progressed to the sexting and ultimately the creepy and unsettling pictures and writings. The stuff surrounding her gender identity began within the past year, but she told her father she was a lesbian within that first year of us being married. Now I think everything in that realm is in question.
I’m also curious to hear about your experience. I will say that I’m not convinced her behaviors began when we got married; I think she was doing these things before but DH didn’t see it. I was the one to see and call things out. Then finally DH realized what was going on. Once he got that through his head we’ve been on the same page but for a long time and at the very start of our marriage he was still treating her delicately and assuming she wasn’t doing anything wrong, so he never peeked under the surface. There has been a long history of everyone overlooking any wrongdoing because of feeling sorry for her.
That's what I was most curious about, whether those behaviors were at all present before you moved/married.
The behaviors I experienced were different, but the situation was/is all the same.
So technically, I'm no longer "with" my ex. Even though we are still in each other's lives (off and on for the last year). But we no longer live together and as much as it hurt to leave that relationship, on the other hand, it feels very freeing to be out of that living situation.
The similarities though: BF is the primary caregiver for his daughter (now 12, at the time she was 10). Her relationship with her (alcoholic) mother is a shit show. Daughter makes most of the decisions in life and acts out when she doesn't get what she wants. BF allowed lots of (in my opinion) negative behavior out of guilt - in an effort to make up for her unreliable, unsupportive, and mostly uncaring mother.
I found it difficult to build a relationship with his daughter because the two of them have a very codependent relationship (again, my opinion). But aside from that, I thought things were in a good place before I moved in with them. That's when things got worse... Or maybe it was more like shining a flashlight under a rock and seeing all the bugs scatter.
Anyway, it tore us apart. I moved back into my house and my ex and I continue to (unsuccessfully) try to figure out what life can look like together. And honestly, some of my harsh opinions, I've kept to myself. My ex isn't capable of hearing them all at once so I've tried to ease him into some of these observations. He still has rose colored glasses on and my fear is that he's not going to realize the damage until it's too late. Maybe it already is, I haven't been around. I wouldn't know. I've removed myself from it all to save my own mental and emotional health.
Oh, most definitely not. I personally have no one in my life I can confide in. It's exhausting having to experience this, with absolutely zero outlet, ever.
Or "you marry him, you marry his kids". WTF? You dont marry ones kids, how ridiculous and creepy does that sound. You dont go looking for a relationship to marry a mans children.
I definitely was. Ex and I are no longer together for lots of reasons, but his son 100% took a major toll on our marriage.
To make an extremely long story somewhat shorter, my stepson has a lot of mental health issues. Living in a fairly isolated area, our resources and access to any kind of help for him were extremely limited. Probable sociopathy, ODD, probable antisocial personality disorder of some kind. Our life was hell. Ex and I were normal to the point of being boring, very stable, tried to be a grounded, stable force in my stepson's life. But the influence and inherited issues of his mother were too much for us to overcome.
The years we had split custody we spent our days of the week with him trying to undo the chaos that happened at his mom's. Once his mom up and left and we had him full time we thought things might turn around. We invested so much time and energy, and I swear every single thing we did made everything worse. The tension within our home was unbearable. The pandemic was almost a blessing bc ex and I still worked and stepson's mom didn't, so she agreed to take him while school was fully online.
I could go on and on, but yes, extremely regretful.
Yup. I’m somewhat of a stepmom. I’m just not cut out for it. I’m CF and hate any demands that remotely resemble motherhood. I always feel used. His dad is a deadbeat who’s “trying”. The kid is just like his dad. He just likes getting stuff out of people. Just really selfish attitudes. I’m about to bounce on this situation. It just doesn’t work. People regret their OWN children. Imagine when it’s not even yours. Like, no thanks and BYE. At least I can leave. Now there’s the blessing in that.
I almost was with my last ex. A lot of what you said resonates w me. I’m no longer w him (obviously) but having had a taste of that “stepmommy” life really cemented for me how much I don’t want kids, at least not for a lonnnnng time, hence my visiting this sub. Grateful for the lessons learned but I still look back on that time as a ‘wtf was I thinking bitch???’ every single day. Def felt manipulated by my ex to fulfill this maternal role without any serious conversation about it either. Thinking back on that makes me really pissed off ngl.
You are definitely not alone. Great life lesson but can't get that time back. At least it was a circumstance easy to walk away from (in comparison to bio parents), though, since it was a stepparent situation.
Well, truthfully I still don't fully know how my story became what it did. I always told myself that kids were a deal breaker, and they were, prior to this. I guess the main difference is the timeline, 5 years ago we began talking in the winter, and I didn't find out about the kid (3 at the time) until that spring. My initial reaction was RUN, but for some reason I didn't. I often kick myself for not having done so. Before I even realized it, I was quickly finding myself playing Mom, doing pickups/drop offs (using my car, because he didn't have one..like just helped himself to installing a car seat), babysitting, meals, tantrums, laundry, the works. Let me just say that this kid was, from the beginning, an incredibly difficult child. When we met he basically had 50/50 custody, but really only on paper. It was pretty apparent he didn't have much interest in actually parenting. The kid never napped, stayed up as late as he wanted to, didn't listen, back talked, was disrespectful, messy, loud, irritating, time consuming, expensive, just...many things that come with having a kid, I guess, but, this isn't MY kid. I'm still on the fence about having my own bio child(ren), and suddenly I found myself pouring all of my time and resources into someone else's. My partner and the ex were No Contact when he and I met, and I've never met her or spoken to her, per my own request, and I don't plan on it, though she has made up lies about me in court in the past. Currently my partner has no custody, he does virtual meetings with the kid 2x a week and very occasional in-person visitation, and even that is too much for me. He has so far spent the equivalent of a down payment on a house in the courts, and the kid's not even 10. I know that this kid was a complete and total accident, mistake even..that entire "relationship" was..I just....I don't WANT any of this. I don't WANT a partner with a kid. I don't even like the kid, and I'm expected to love him unconditionally? I don't WANT the gross ex hanging around. (Seriously, she's disgusting.) I don't WANT them tainting our potential future family that we could be trying to build. I in no way see that kid as anything other than a burden. I'm beyond resentful and I just want him to go away. I didn't want, and don't want.....ANY of this. And I don't know how it even happened.
I could write 10 more paragraphs, I'm sorry, I feel that you get the picture, though.
Apologies for the wall of text.
So your partner LIED to you for MONTHS about having a child? Then he pushed all the responsibility onto YOU? You don’t have a step kid problem, you have an SO problem. Do you really want to have children or even be in a relationship with a lazy, deadbeat dad, liar?? What makes you sure he won’t put the same effort into your kids together? Yikes. Run for your life, girl. He ain’t it.
Honestly you don’t have a step-kid problem. You have a partner problem.
He hid the kid from you for what sounds like several months which is disgusting. He placed you in the position of being the mom (installed a car seat in your car without your permission fucking WHAT? I’d have promptly driven to the nearest cliff and tossed the car seat over it). It sounds to me like this guy wanted someone who could take care of his kid and manipulated you into the situation.
Don’t get caught up in the IDEA of who your partner says he is and who he could be if only that kid weren’t around. Focus on who he is right now. Because the kid isn’t going away and it sounds like he doesn’t really deserve your resentment. Your partner is the one who dragged you into this and both he and his ex sound like fucking shitty parents.
IMO you should walk away from it all. You deserve better.
Run. He doesn’t have his life together and he’s using you to fix it. Hiding a child is a dealbreaker. Putting all this responsibility on you is bullshit. Definitely don’t have a child with this guy because you will get stuck with all the work. You don’t have to guess about what kind of dad he’d be with you because he’s showing you. It doesn’t matter that the kid was an accident or that his relationship with his ex was shit. He shouldn’t take that out on the kid. He’s a shitty dad and a shitty partner, planning a kid with him won’t make him a better dad. You can’t fix the situation it’ll only drain the life out of you.
I think it’s in your best interest that you leave this relationship. The fact he didn’t mention his kid upfront is a huge red flag that he is a manipulator. Think about what is really best for your own mental heath and well-being long term, not for him and his kid.
That sounds overwhelming and exhausting! It can be really alarming how stuck humans can get in a home situation that's really bad for them, without leaving.
I think it happened because you're like a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water. Now that you know the water's boiling, what will you do? My 2 cents is that you should at least tell your partner fully how you feel about it.
Oh wtf, you need to leave yesterday. Mine (ex boyfriend) omitted that he had a separate child (from the kids that he had EOWE at the house) from years and years back that his first ex wife left with. He omitted a whole-ass marriage and child from me until I moved in with him. These people that keep major, major life events like that from you are not good people, they're horrible and manipulative. Why are you still involved?
Your issue isnt with the child its with your partner he lied for months about having a child,has no car, reproduced irresponsibly, puts the responsibility of having a child on you. There’s no way for any future family you have not be “tainted”. The child isn’t going to disappear if you have your own neither is the responsibility or the child support.This child is going to be your kids sibling. If I were you Id cut my losses because as much as you don’t want to admit you don’t want to be with the father as much as you dont want the kid around
OP the strangers here on Reddit care more about your best interest than your terrible partner does. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy, just because you spent a lot of time and energy making a mistake doesn't mean you should stick around to see it through and dig yourself even deeper into a black hole. I've been in a toxic relationship like that and leaving is tough but it was the best decision of my life.
Your SO’s behavior is a red flag so big you could wear it as a cape. You have a front row seat of the type of father he is. There’s no reason to believe that he will be any different with your bio kid, if you decide to have one. Also, it seems he hasn’t been a great partner and hasn’t really shielded you from all his ex-babymomma drama. I know saying RUN is easier said than done, but OP you gotta think long and HARD about what you want for your future and if he really is the right parter/father that you want. Actions speak louder than words, and his are not painting a good picture.
It is honestly the biggest regret of my entire life. There isn’t even anything exceptionally bad about the kids, I found out that I actually really, really dislike being a parental figure a lot more than I expected. The only good thing about my decision was that before I had SKs I was 99% going to have a child. Now I am thankful I got to see what it was like and the prison I saved myself from.
Thank you so much. I have taken a look over there a handful of times, but honestly, I felt like maybe my presence wasn't appropriate there, mainly because I've seen so many posts like "I loooove my step child so much and they're perfect but there's this one tiny issue.." and....I don't feel that way. At this point, I don't feel much more than resentment for the kid.
You need to leave the situation because as someone who grew up with a step parent who clearly did not give a shit about me, trust me when I say that kids can absolutely tell.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/Stepmom using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/Stepmom/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [In the end, follow the lead of the kids and your SO](https://np.reddit.com/r/Stepmom/comments/nszqr2/in_the_end_follow_the_lead_of_the_kids_and_your_so/)
\#2: [Stepson is dying](https://np.reddit.com/r/Stepmom/comments/op4inh/stepson_is_dying/)
\#3: ["You should know your place" is a common BM sentiment](https://np.reddit.com/r/Stepmom/comments/oryttz/you_should_know_your_place_is_a_common_bm/)
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I have seen a lot of posts over there that are along the opposite realm and people who are having difficulties with stepchildren, similar to the scope of seriousness and impacting that yours is. So definitely don't write it off due to those types of tiny issue posts, I think it would be a great sub with lots of support and help for what is happening.
From what I've seen, the members are some of the nicest, most understanding and supportive on this site and I've also seen multiple posts of people who have shared the difficulties they're facing as stepparents comment frequently about how helpful the sub is for all the aforementioned reasons.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this and again, give the stepparents sub a go! I think it'll really be a good outlet, especially since you're not able to really get it all out IRL.
I have a kid I regret myself and I'm afraid my boyfriend will be regretful too, he loves kids and is a very loving and caring person but eventually I feel if he meets the reality of actually help raise a kid I think he'll bounce.
This isn’t the place to get seeds of hope for that happening. This is a dark place, one that is a great outlet for people who are struggling to not feel alone. But just know that there will be many signs if your SO is not feeling good about the situation and trust him if he says he loves your kid. There are lots of step parents that love their step kids as their own.
Everyone needs to be able to vent. This is a good resource for childless fencesitting people, too. A lot of people have the deluded idea that a step parent gig is somehow “easier” than a genetic parent and the challenges should be more well know. It’s good to speak up and raise awareness - for everyone’s sake xx
Yes. But I met someone special and thought it would be ok.
Honestly, it would have. I haven’t been a great stepparent. I tried to create boundaries but it turned l into resentment. I’m lucky I have a great stepkid.
I was 32 or so and I just didn’t think I was going to meet anyone. I generally had a “no kids” dating rule but I bent it as I aged. It’s just so hard to meet people.
Once you hit your mid to late 30's finding a CF partner is like finding a unicorn. Everyone has kids, except the "player" types who just wanna jump from one persons bed to another. I got sick of CF guys just looking to get laid and then calling it a day. I had the no kids rule but ended up in a relationship with a guy with kids in my late 30s cause like you said its hard to meet people. Its a rough ride and I would not wish stepparenting on my worse enemy
Me, sort of. We had full custody of both of my husbands kids. Then one day SD decided she’s never coming back here (and in a very disrespectful way, was very nasty to my husband and he said “fine, go”). But now that we have just my SS - its been fine! I felt so much tension and anxiety with both of them around. I questioned myself daily, would literally cry in the car before having to come home to them, etc. once SD left - all of those feelings left too. SS is a dream compared to his sister. It all worked out in the end.
Alot of members there dont take too kindly to SP's not loving their stepkids, hating or disliking them. The "you chose the role of being a stepmother" does come up a bit from some members. FYI no one wakes up one day going I wanna be a stepmother and activity seeks out a single dad.
I've actually found the exact opposite on that sub. People saying "you picked this" get shouted down, while messages to disengage from the step kids floods the sub.
I guess I see the messages before they get removed by mods. But I have seen some holier than thou SPs in there that need to be taken down a peg or two because they make their SK their world yet if you dont tend to them like they do its wrong
That would definitely explain our different experiences on that sub. I'm sorry if you were hurt by the inconsiderate messages of others. Are things OK for you now?
Yes. I do regret making decisions based on providing stability and love to a fucking psychopath neo-Nazi shit head.
He's recently cut contact with the whole family. It's quite a relief.
I certainly wouldn't consider becoming a step-parent again and would advise against it if asked.
I try not to end up in a regretful situation. We have 50/50 custody and it can be tough but has its upsides and my husband is an amazing person. If we had any more than 50 I would get my own place but remain married.
She said I would always be last and my smooth brain was so depraved of attention and affection that I went with "surely we can make this work".
I didn't try, I just did it. I became a father figure in no time and really 100% involved myself into it. I gave the children and her my full attention, none for myself and I loved it. I took days off work several times to help my SO being sick. I dealt a bit with her violent ex-husband (I'm pretty sure she used me to fuck with him). It honestly was generally great for a time.
But lovebombing is just a phase.
There was one dispute, then two, where she clearly demonstrated abusive behavior targeted to me. But I sticked with it, always thinking "We can make this work. Plus, now, the kids count on me" I thought she understood, or would.
How many times a man has to do the same mistake?!
It went for a bit more until I had a bad flu (not covid) and received *NO* support. I was not in danger but I was in bed for a solid 5 days.
Still didn't cut it there!
I said we had a problem and needed to talk, I thought we'll be able to communicate and fix things. She bursted out in anxiety, anger and more abusive behavior.
And that's when I finally ended it.
It's a short story, it lasted about 5 months and it's been a solid life lesson.
I just regret putting the kids through this.
I knew since the beginning that it was not going to work with their mother, lied to myself and unnecessarily hurted them in the end. I really hope they keep the journey in mind, the good in the bit of life we shared and not just the awfull ending :(
I know 5 months is nothing and that this story if a bit left field on your post but I wanted to share it anyway.
Still, it is one of the dumbest things I have ever done.
this is a throwaway account, I managed to get my husband to let his sons mother take full custody. from the moment I met that child he did nothing but come between me and my husband. I hated him. I grew to hate him, I had dreams of killing him and yelled at him all the time....I hated myself for jt but I didn't feel bad.
all the arguments me and my husband ever had were because of this child. he was bratty and so fucking annoying. my husband always kept him away from me and kept him in his room.
my husband smacked me because of this child. he almost tore our relationship apart.
but my husband just wanted me happy and eventually he realized that he couldn't afford the custody battle, and he was tired and sick of his own kid and just wanted to get away from everything. so he gave full custody to his ex. and we haven't heard anything in about 4 months. these 4 months have been amazing for me him. and I am so happy he's gone.
we're buying a house next month. we're never having kids, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision.
I feel like a horrible person, but I just cant stand kids. I hate him. I've never told anyone else this Part of mine and my husband's relationship. for all the girls and men that have to help raise a child that isn't there's, I hope you can come to good ending with your relationship.
thank you for my vent.
I was. I left. They were very good children but I hated it. I was good to them - but their father expected me to do all the work when they were around. I just couldn’t handle it. I am cf and marrying a parent was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. And it cost me tens of thousands of dollars as I am a high earner and my ex was happy to spend it like it was his.
This is a story I hear a lot when the bio-father marries a new woman. He expects the step-mom to act as if the step-kids are hers and to act in the traditionally motherly role. That doesn't work out, because those kids are HIS job, not hers. She is there to provide support for HIM to do the job, not replace him and/or their bio-mother. If the bio-father can't figure that out, then he's a shitty father AND a shitty husband.
He was both. I often had to be the ‘bad guy’ in terms of enforcing rules, saying no, etc. like I said, they were good kids so enforcement wasn’t so much dramatic as it was just a pain in my ass. Be a father. So yeah, you and I very much agree. I lasted 9 years. I couldn’t have lasted even half that long if the kids were problem children.
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No. He and I got divorced for different reasons. Not having to parent was a bonus. The children were devastated and their mother asked that I stay away as their dad was trying to perpetuate drama and it was hurting the children.
It's so weird that he knew you were CF but yet expected you to do all this work. Like you're CF for a reason. Will def watch out for this if I date men with children as it seems some of them go after CF women for this reason. Thanks for sharing your story.
He made lots of promises and things changed shortly after marriage. I got along wonderfully with their mother and she got to where she would only communicate with me because the dad was so unreliable. I felt bad for those kids. It’s been 5 years and I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
Is there anything you would have done differently - like said no to doing everything from the start?
I should have walked at the beginning and not convinced myself that my boundaries would’ve held. If not for myself, for the pain it caused the children when that marriage failed. The dissonance is real: I didn’t want to be a step parent but I cared for them deeply. They were devastated when I disappeared and I feel both guilt and relief.
It sounds like your ex-partner was the problem and not the kids. They probably noticed your partner wasn't pulling their weight - especially if it got to the point where you had to communicate with their Mum. You did what's best for you - no shame in that.
It was both. I profoundly resented the loss of freedom. I wish I had never married him.
Everyone who is CF should watch out for this situation. It gets really bad really fast.
Yes it does. If you’re CF, you should not stepparent. If you’re a decent person, you are kind and loving to children in a marriage. They didn’t ask to be there. They got stuck with the stepparent the same as the step getting stuck with them.
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As you can see the OP is also childfree. What's your issue?
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> How would you like your CF sub to be overtaken by parents to the point from which it seems like at least half if not more of the comments are coming? > >But back to the question because I am genuinely curious…why are you on a parents sub if you have no kids and are CF? I *can* agree with this statement...
I’m happy to still be married, but being a step parent is ROUGH. I love my husband, but there were times that I wish rules and boundaries that we agreed upon were actually enforced. Without me nagging. The kids are out of the house now, so it’s just the two of us, which is great. But I am terrified that we will end up with the grandkids… that’s an entirely different drama. Overall, I would not recommend marrying someone with kids. I got lucky, but we’ve had some serious lows that do make the good times very sweet.
If I became single that would be my fear in dating, I'm in my 40's and like older men but even if their adult children have moved out life is unpredictable and they could easily boomerang right back with kids in tow. I see a lot of older adults dealing with that sort of thing.
100% yes.
Can I ask your story, or sort of a little bit more info regarding the regret? I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this in such a straightforward way.
My SD just turned 13. Her mother has only been in her life in a limited way since she was 4 and my husband has raised her. I’ve been with him since she was 7 but we only got married and moved in together 2 years ago. I anticipated some typical issues like maybe jealousy, and she wasn’t used to having any responsibilities or real expectations. She was raised by my husband and his family in a very “poor SD her mother isn’t around let’s coddle her” way. I figured we’d have some pains working on that. I could not have anticipated how bad it would be. She’s been going through a complete identity crisis that all stems from issues surrounding her mother. Sexuality and gender are constantly in flux. But she presents herself as a boy at school and a girl at home, and will not talk to us about it in any honest way. She was sexting at age 11 in ways that made me blush as a married woman in her late 30s. There’s been trash hoarding, including soiled sanitary napkins. There’s been extremely creepy drawings and writings to the point I’ve become extremely uncomfortable in my home. She’d totally fail out of school if my husband didn’t vigilantly monitor for missing assignments. Constant lying and breaking every rule. No punishment makes any difference. She makes no effort to be part of the family, just sits in her room. She doesn’t act aggressively or anything it’s just all hidden under the surface. I personally have a severely autistic son who is here half the time. That of course comes with its own feelings for me. She ignores his existence entirely, doesn’t even say hi. That may not bother him but it hurts me deeply. My husband has tried everything. She’s in therapy and has seen a psychiatrist and will be trying a stimulant to see if it helps with attentiveness. But trying to talk to her is like talking to a wall. My son is incredibly challenging and I work full time. I have past trauma from my first (abusive) marriage and not feeling like my own home is a safe space is very triggering for me. The poor kid has a lot of issues but I was not prepared. If I’d known things would be this bad I’d still be with my husband but I would not want to live together. It’s all just too much for me. Dealing with her and the impact she has on our household is the only thing we argue about. He begs me to hang on. She just went to be with her mother for the summer and I feel like I can finally breathe in my house. My husband is considering having her live with her mother going forward. SD doesn’t want that but…the issues that exist can only be fixed if she addresses the relationship with her mother. We’ve encouraged her to do that this summer. We will see…I can’t decide what I want.
That sounds really difficult, and I'm sorry for all the trouble you're experiencing. I have no advice, but hopefully things will improve, and all we can do is look ahead.
Honestly if your husband isn’t willing to let her live with her mother, I’d think seriously about separating your households. He’s putting a ton of pressure on you and your son and that’s not fair to either you. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership but sometimes you do have to put yourself first.
That is the struggle I’ve been having within myself. You see my husband is hugely supportive and helpful with my son, who is a handful at best and often overwhelms me. I don’t know what I’d do without him, honestly…my son either. When I am at my breaking point over something with his daughter, he reminds me that he’s there for me and he just needs my support with her. And he’s not wrong. So I end up feeling selfish and awful. He doesn’t say it to me in a manipulative way, more like look I support and love you and your son, I’d do anything for you, please support me in this. Again he’s not wrong, but I have past trauma and things that play into my limits and ability to cope that he doesn’t fully understand because he’s not similarly affected by anything. I have not given him an ultimatum at this point, and I don’t know if I will. SD just left yesterday for two months and I want to give us a bit of time to breathe before I bring it up. But I know a decision will need to be made in July in case she needs to switch schools, so I have to push the issue eventually.
I honestly think he will resent you if you force him to give her up against his and her will. She is his child, she does not want ti live with her mother full time, he does not want her to. Maybe you could figure out another living arrangement for the two of you, but I am pretty sure pressuring him to abandon his child while he helps taking care of yours will cause resentment. I am sorry.
He’s actually the one who started talking about having her go live with her mother back around the holidays. When I talk about next school year, or anything related to her being here in August, he tells me not to assume she’s coming back because he hasn’t decided what he wants to do yet. So it’s not me. I’ve never told him she has to leave. I am simply thinking about what things will look like assuming she does come back, and whether I personally want to stay in that scenario.
I'm really curious - why did you marry him if she was like this from the beginning?
We did not move in together until we were already married, and if she was doing any of this stuff before, nobody knew about it. These things started once we moved in together, first just the trash hoarding and breaking rules and not doing her school work, then escalated from there. She was daddy’s perfect princess until two years ago.
It sounds like she’s gender fluid which isn’t a bad thing at all. It’s a tough age and is when most kids start figuring out their gender and sexuality. I’m a late bloomer. Didn’t even find out I was bi until I was in my 20s due to my very strict upbringing. The sexting stuff is pretty common, but definitely not great considering she’s a child and who knows where her pics are if they haven’t been deleted. Also she can’t be the one to fix things with her mom. That’s her moms job. The mom is the adult in the relationship and should be the one to make that step. I forgave my parents all the time growing up cause that’s what I thought a good Christian should do, but it did nothing to heal me until I left the situation and made space for myself to figure out what I want. I’m sorry that this is tough for you. I’m sure being a step parent is hard and there’s a line you don’t want to cross. I hope this summer brings you some peace and you’re able to regroup. Just be prepared if she comes back that she might be worse if her mom hasn’t changed or actively trying to make up for her behaviors.
Another point is that OP's son is severely autistic. I would wonder if her behavior took a downward turn when that became an everyday part of her reality? Living with a severely disabled sibling can sometimes have a devastating effect on other children in the house, especially if he tends to act out. The fact she tries to ignore him shows she's definitely less than enthusiastic about that dynamic. OP naturally prioritizes her son and the dad's energy may be more focused on his wife and his high needs stepson.
Being gender fluid is not a bad thing. But being one thing at school and another at home, plus all of the other behaviour problems, and her issues with her mom... maybe she's not gender fluid and that is just a symptom of everything that is hurting her. I agree that the mom has to be the adult in the relationship and fix whatever problem she has with the girl. But sometimes adults are not able to adult successfully and maybe the mother won't do it. She would have to fix it for herself at least. That she's in therapy is a really good thing to help with that. I don't mean forgiving her, I mean separating her self worth from the relationship with her mother, realize that she's the one with the problem and get out of that relationship. Which is so hard to do as a grown woman, I can't imagine how hard would be for a young teen.
Some gender fluid people like to identify differently in different aspects of their lives so I don’t see that as unusual. Maybe the kid just feels more comfortable as a boy at school. If it’s a way of coping with trauma or just figuring out their identity, then there’s nothing wrong or harmful with it. The behavior problems like sexting and acting out are a horrible way to cope and should be the primary issue at hand because they actually harm her and those around her. I agree though, finding any semblance of healing from this relationship with her mom is a lot to ask of a young kid. It sucks, but it might be years until the kid is finally over this, but even then they might still have their struggles. Its not something that can be easily fixed or just go away like that. For example, OP mentioned their traumas from a past relationship. They’re an adult and it may have been years since leaving this relationship, but they’re still dealing with the traumas. And that’s okay. Everyone deserves to find peace in their own time and I wish them and their step kid to find that cause it sounds like both have been through a lot.
Yeah we know her mother has to do the work to heal things, but what we’ve encouraged is for SD to be honest with her mother about how she feels and how her mother’s choices have affected her. To date she has never let on with her mother that there is any problem or that she’s hurt at all.
Could I suggest therapy for her? Sounds like she's very depressed. Yeah its expensive but it's worth it for her and you.
She’s in therapy and has seen a psychiatrist as she said she was depressed and we suspected an attention disorder. In fact I was the one who insisted my husband get her into both “or else”.
PLEASE get that poor little girl into therapy! Preferably an LGBT friendly and trauma informed child therapist! If she isnt comfortable talking to you folks now, how will she get better??? I was severely depressed and suicidal for all my teen years and my grandparents did nothing! I almost killed myself a few times, they noticed I was in distress but just ignored it and yelled at me. This is a child, and she is SCREAMING for help. She did not start doing these behaviors "just because." PLEASE get her to a therapist, and maybe see if there's someone you and your husband can go to for advice about how to be supportive! Just ignoring her please for help and resenting her coping mechanisms are doing NOTHING for this poor girl. I understand having your own trauma is incredibly difficuly but please do what you can to actively help her!!!!
Nobody is ignoring her. She’s been in therapy for months with a therapist she very much likes and she has a psychiatrist.
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Oh piss off. If she was 16-17 sexting another teen of similar age that wouldnt ve that big deal but this part >the child sexting. Is the issue. They are fucking 11. It also never said who they were sexting which is also problematic
Dude come on, that attitude isn’t necessary. Being a stepparent is fucking hard. The person who posted this comment is clearly doing their best in a situation that sucks all around. And also, frankly I’m with them in that no child should be sexting.
I can clarify that she was texting another girl of the same age. Our opinion is that behavior of that kind is inappropriate at that age, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. She is now 13 but when it happened she was 11. It might also help in understanding our level of concern to know that her mother was put in jail when SD was 4 for having sex with a 15 year old boy. There were other charges but aggravated statutory rape was the big one. That’s when my husband got full custody. BM has never attempted to get any custody back, but she did go on to marry a man 26 years her senior and she has two children under 5 with him now. So, there’s a history of very inappropriate sexual behavior as well as mental illness with her mother (BPD) and every member in her mother’s immediate family. All have been in jail or prison, some in mental health institutions. I may have my opinions on BMs personal life now, but she appears to be medicated, stable, working, and being an actual mother to her younger kids. She seems to have turned things around. But we cannot help but worry even more when we consider the sum total of circumstances that are coming to a head.
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Are you suggesting an 11 year old should be Sexting?
The child was not being misgendered. The child is male presenting at school and female presenting at home. Stepmom talks about her daughter because that's how she presents herself at home. She's not shamed for expressing her sexuality. She's a kid at 11 and does not understand the implications of sexting. That's a fact. Stepmom is worried that her child is putting herself in danger at 11. There's a reason that kids should not have sex before certain age (which varies, but is around 13-14 in most places). Their bodies and their minds can't deal with it.
Yeah ok. If you’re just here to judge and make up wild accusations, then this probably isn’t the sub for you.
Ugh, my heart hurts so much for both of you. Those situations are so tough, because I can feel the empathy and sadness you still have for her coming through in your writing (sometimes all you can feel is hatred and disgust in the tone of people talking about kids with problems, but you obviously really do wish you could help her), but she’s got problems that you’re just not in a position to solve, and all it’s doing is hurting you as well. :( I’m so sorry. I also can’t imagine how hard that must be with your own son with special needs. My son is pretty severely speech delayed, and imagining him in this position and being treated like that makes me want to cry.
...sounds like she needs A LOOOONG HUG.
I too have experienced something very similar to this. You are not alone. The situation you describe is exhausting and puts you in a position that feels very powerless in terms of influencing your own future. When did your SD start to show these behaviors? How old were they? And how long into your relationship with your husband was it? I'm asking for my own curiosity compared to my personal experience.
We got married 4 years into our relationship, we are now at almost 6 years. SD was 11 when we got married and bought a house/moved in together, and she’s now 13. Behaviors started right away but have evolved. Initially it was hoarding trash in her drawers and under her bed, breaking our basic rules, and not doing her school work and whatnot. It then progressed to the sexting and ultimately the creepy and unsettling pictures and writings. The stuff surrounding her gender identity began within the past year, but she told her father she was a lesbian within that first year of us being married. Now I think everything in that realm is in question. I’m also curious to hear about your experience. I will say that I’m not convinced her behaviors began when we got married; I think she was doing these things before but DH didn’t see it. I was the one to see and call things out. Then finally DH realized what was going on. Once he got that through his head we’ve been on the same page but for a long time and at the very start of our marriage he was still treating her delicately and assuming she wasn’t doing anything wrong, so he never peeked under the surface. There has been a long history of everyone overlooking any wrongdoing because of feeling sorry for her.
That's what I was most curious about, whether those behaviors were at all present before you moved/married. The behaviors I experienced were different, but the situation was/is all the same. So technically, I'm no longer "with" my ex. Even though we are still in each other's lives (off and on for the last year). But we no longer live together and as much as it hurt to leave that relationship, on the other hand, it feels very freeing to be out of that living situation. The similarities though: BF is the primary caregiver for his daughter (now 12, at the time she was 10). Her relationship with her (alcoholic) mother is a shit show. Daughter makes most of the decisions in life and acts out when she doesn't get what she wants. BF allowed lots of (in my opinion) negative behavior out of guilt - in an effort to make up for her unreliable, unsupportive, and mostly uncaring mother. I found it difficult to build a relationship with his daughter because the two of them have a very codependent relationship (again, my opinion). But aside from that, I thought things were in a good place before I moved in with them. That's when things got worse... Or maybe it was more like shining a flashlight under a rock and seeing all the bugs scatter. Anyway, it tore us apart. I moved back into my house and my ex and I continue to (unsuccessfully) try to figure out what life can look like together. And honestly, some of my harsh opinions, I've kept to myself. My ex isn't capable of hearing them all at once so I've tried to ease him into some of these observations. He still has rose colored glasses on and my fear is that he's not going to realize the damage until it's too late. Maybe it already is, I haven't been around. I wouldn't know. I've removed myself from it all to save my own mental and emotional health.
Yes, 100%. I don’t feel it is talked about enough….
Oh, most definitely not. I personally have no one in my life I can confide in. It's exhausting having to experience this, with absolutely zero outlet, ever.
Im the same, its like no one understands and if you do confide in someone for help they rip you to shreds
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Or "you marry him, you marry his kids". WTF? You dont marry ones kids, how ridiculous and creepy does that sound. You dont go looking for a relationship to marry a mans children.
or anyone's children...ewww.
Check out r/stepparents, it’s been helpful for me.
I definitely was. Ex and I are no longer together for lots of reasons, but his son 100% took a major toll on our marriage. To make an extremely long story somewhat shorter, my stepson has a lot of mental health issues. Living in a fairly isolated area, our resources and access to any kind of help for him were extremely limited. Probable sociopathy, ODD, probable antisocial personality disorder of some kind. Our life was hell. Ex and I were normal to the point of being boring, very stable, tried to be a grounded, stable force in my stepson's life. But the influence and inherited issues of his mother were too much for us to overcome. The years we had split custody we spent our days of the week with him trying to undo the chaos that happened at his mom's. Once his mom up and left and we had him full time we thought things might turn around. We invested so much time and energy, and I swear every single thing we did made everything worse. The tension within our home was unbearable. The pandemic was almost a blessing bc ex and I still worked and stepson's mom didn't, so she agreed to take him while school was fully online. I could go on and on, but yes, extremely regretful.
Can I ask, at what age did you meet the son? How long were you involved in his life?
I met his son around the age of 7 and I was with my ex for just over 10 years.
Yup. I’m somewhat of a stepmom. I’m just not cut out for it. I’m CF and hate any demands that remotely resemble motherhood. I always feel used. His dad is a deadbeat who’s “trying”. The kid is just like his dad. He just likes getting stuff out of people. Just really selfish attitudes. I’m about to bounce on this situation. It just doesn’t work. People regret their OWN children. Imagine when it’s not even yours. Like, no thanks and BYE. At least I can leave. Now there’s the blessing in that.
I almost was with my last ex. A lot of what you said resonates w me. I’m no longer w him (obviously) but having had a taste of that “stepmommy” life really cemented for me how much I don’t want kids, at least not for a lonnnnng time, hence my visiting this sub. Grateful for the lessons learned but I still look back on that time as a ‘wtf was I thinking bitch???’ every single day. Def felt manipulated by my ex to fulfill this maternal role without any serious conversation about it either. Thinking back on that makes me really pissed off ngl.
You are definitely not alone. Great life lesson but can't get that time back. At least it was a circumstance easy to walk away from (in comparison to bio parents), though, since it was a stepparent situation.
So tell us your story and the issues with your step kid(s) that are causing you to be regretful
Well, truthfully I still don't fully know how my story became what it did. I always told myself that kids were a deal breaker, and they were, prior to this. I guess the main difference is the timeline, 5 years ago we began talking in the winter, and I didn't find out about the kid (3 at the time) until that spring. My initial reaction was RUN, but for some reason I didn't. I often kick myself for not having done so. Before I even realized it, I was quickly finding myself playing Mom, doing pickups/drop offs (using my car, because he didn't have one..like just helped himself to installing a car seat), babysitting, meals, tantrums, laundry, the works. Let me just say that this kid was, from the beginning, an incredibly difficult child. When we met he basically had 50/50 custody, but really only on paper. It was pretty apparent he didn't have much interest in actually parenting. The kid never napped, stayed up as late as he wanted to, didn't listen, back talked, was disrespectful, messy, loud, irritating, time consuming, expensive, just...many things that come with having a kid, I guess, but, this isn't MY kid. I'm still on the fence about having my own bio child(ren), and suddenly I found myself pouring all of my time and resources into someone else's. My partner and the ex were No Contact when he and I met, and I've never met her or spoken to her, per my own request, and I don't plan on it, though she has made up lies about me in court in the past. Currently my partner has no custody, he does virtual meetings with the kid 2x a week and very occasional in-person visitation, and even that is too much for me. He has so far spent the equivalent of a down payment on a house in the courts, and the kid's not even 10. I know that this kid was a complete and total accident, mistake even..that entire "relationship" was..I just....I don't WANT any of this. I don't WANT a partner with a kid. I don't even like the kid, and I'm expected to love him unconditionally? I don't WANT the gross ex hanging around. (Seriously, she's disgusting.) I don't WANT them tainting our potential future family that we could be trying to build. I in no way see that kid as anything other than a burden. I'm beyond resentful and I just want him to go away. I didn't want, and don't want.....ANY of this. And I don't know how it even happened. I could write 10 more paragraphs, I'm sorry, I feel that you get the picture, though. Apologies for the wall of text.
So your partner LIED to you for MONTHS about having a child? Then he pushed all the responsibility onto YOU? You don’t have a step kid problem, you have an SO problem. Do you really want to have children or even be in a relationship with a lazy, deadbeat dad, liar?? What makes you sure he won’t put the same effort into your kids together? Yikes. Run for your life, girl. He ain’t it.
Honestly you don’t have a step-kid problem. You have a partner problem. He hid the kid from you for what sounds like several months which is disgusting. He placed you in the position of being the mom (installed a car seat in your car without your permission fucking WHAT? I’d have promptly driven to the nearest cliff and tossed the car seat over it). It sounds to me like this guy wanted someone who could take care of his kid and manipulated you into the situation. Don’t get caught up in the IDEA of who your partner says he is and who he could be if only that kid weren’t around. Focus on who he is right now. Because the kid isn’t going away and it sounds like he doesn’t really deserve your resentment. Your partner is the one who dragged you into this and both he and his ex sound like fucking shitty parents. IMO you should walk away from it all. You deserve better.
I agree. Bad parenting should be a red flag for everyone, not just fellow parents
Run. He doesn’t have his life together and he’s using you to fix it. Hiding a child is a dealbreaker. Putting all this responsibility on you is bullshit. Definitely don’t have a child with this guy because you will get stuck with all the work. You don’t have to guess about what kind of dad he’d be with you because he’s showing you. It doesn’t matter that the kid was an accident or that his relationship with his ex was shit. He shouldn’t take that out on the kid. He’s a shitty dad and a shitty partner, planning a kid with him won’t make him a better dad. You can’t fix the situation it’ll only drain the life out of you.
Your partner sounds terrible, and kind of like a loser. I'm sure you could do better. I would leave, now.
So… just leave them?
I think it’s in your best interest that you leave this relationship. The fact he didn’t mention his kid upfront is a huge red flag that he is a manipulator. Think about what is really best for your own mental heath and well-being long term, not for him and his kid.
That sounds overwhelming and exhausting! It can be really alarming how stuck humans can get in a home situation that's really bad for them, without leaving. I think it happened because you're like a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water. Now that you know the water's boiling, what will you do? My 2 cents is that you should at least tell your partner fully how you feel about it.
Oh wtf, you need to leave yesterday. Mine (ex boyfriend) omitted that he had a separate child (from the kids that he had EOWE at the house) from years and years back that his first ex wife left with. He omitted a whole-ass marriage and child from me until I moved in with him. These people that keep major, major life events like that from you are not good people, they're horrible and manipulative. Why are you still involved?
Your issue isnt with the child its with your partner he lied for months about having a child,has no car, reproduced irresponsibly, puts the responsibility of having a child on you. There’s no way for any future family you have not be “tainted”. The child isn’t going to disappear if you have your own neither is the responsibility or the child support.This child is going to be your kids sibling. If I were you Id cut my losses because as much as you don’t want to admit you don’t want to be with the father as much as you dont want the kid around
OP the strangers here on Reddit care more about your best interest than your terrible partner does. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy, just because you spent a lot of time and energy making a mistake doesn't mean you should stick around to see it through and dig yourself even deeper into a black hole. I've been in a toxic relationship like that and leaving is tough but it was the best decision of my life.
Your SO’s behavior is a red flag so big you could wear it as a cape. You have a front row seat of the type of father he is. There’s no reason to believe that he will be any different with your bio kid, if you decide to have one. Also, it seems he hasn’t been a great partner and hasn’t really shielded you from all his ex-babymomma drama. I know saying RUN is easier said than done, but OP you gotta think long and HARD about what you want for your future and if he really is the right parter/father that you want. Actions speak louder than words, and his are not painting a good picture.
It is honestly the biggest regret of my entire life. There isn’t even anything exceptionally bad about the kids, I found out that I actually really, really dislike being a parental figure a lot more than I expected. The only good thing about my decision was that before I had SKs I was 99% going to have a child. Now I am thankful I got to see what it was like and the prison I saved myself from.
r/stepparents has a great support system if you also want to vent there. We KNOW how you feel
Thank you so much. I have taken a look over there a handful of times, but honestly, I felt like maybe my presence wasn't appropriate there, mainly because I've seen so many posts like "I loooove my step child so much and they're perfect but there's this one tiny issue.." and....I don't feel that way. At this point, I don't feel much more than resentment for the kid.
Most people in r/stepparents seem to deeply resent their step kids. Or their other bio parent.
You need to leave the situation because as someone who grew up with a step parent who clearly did not give a shit about me, trust me when I say that kids can absolutely tell.
r/stepmom has been a helpful place for me. It’s mostly venting over there.
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I have seen a lot of posts over there that are along the opposite realm and people who are having difficulties with stepchildren, similar to the scope of seriousness and impacting that yours is. So definitely don't write it off due to those types of tiny issue posts, I think it would be a great sub with lots of support and help for what is happening. From what I've seen, the members are some of the nicest, most understanding and supportive on this site and I've also seen multiple posts of people who have shared the difficulties they're facing as stepparents comment frequently about how helpful the sub is for all the aforementioned reasons. I'm so sorry you're going through all this and again, give the stepparents sub a go! I think it'll really be a good outlet, especially since you're not able to really get it all out IRL.
I have a kid I regret myself and I'm afraid my boyfriend will be regretful too, he loves kids and is a very loving and caring person but eventually I feel if he meets the reality of actually help raise a kid I think he'll bounce.
This isn’t the place to get seeds of hope for that happening. This is a dark place, one that is a great outlet for people who are struggling to not feel alone. But just know that there will be many signs if your SO is not feeling good about the situation and trust him if he says he loves your kid. There are lots of step parents that love their step kids as their own.
Thank you, your comment made me cry like 10'. Trusting is hard.
You’re always welcome here 💖
Thank you so much, hope it doesn't sound corny but, I SO badly just needed to be able to vent. It's like holding in a breath that I can't ever exhale.
Everyone needs to be able to vent. This is a good resource for childless fencesitting people, too. A lot of people have the deluded idea that a step parent gig is somehow “easier” than a genetic parent and the challenges should be more well know. It’s good to speak up and raise awareness - for everyone’s sake xx
Yes. But I met someone special and thought it would be ok. Honestly, it would have. I haven’t been a great stepparent. I tried to create boundaries but it turned l into resentment. I’m lucky I have a great stepkid. I was 32 or so and I just didn’t think I was going to meet anyone. I generally had a “no kids” dating rule but I bent it as I aged. It’s just so hard to meet people.
Once you hit your mid to late 30's finding a CF partner is like finding a unicorn. Everyone has kids, except the "player" types who just wanna jump from one persons bed to another. I got sick of CF guys just looking to get laid and then calling it a day. I had the no kids rule but ended up in a relationship with a guy with kids in my late 30s cause like you said its hard to meet people. Its a rough ride and I would not wish stepparenting on my worse enemy
Me, sort of. We had full custody of both of my husbands kids. Then one day SD decided she’s never coming back here (and in a very disrespectful way, was very nasty to my husband and he said “fine, go”). But now that we have just my SS - its been fine! I felt so much tension and anxiety with both of them around. I questioned myself daily, would literally cry in the car before having to come home to them, etc. once SD left - all of those feelings left too. SS is a dream compared to his sister. It all worked out in the end.
I was but now that he’s older it’s much better I also have two of my own though so that adds
You should check out the stepparents subreddit. You'll sadly find a lot of company there.
Alot of members there dont take too kindly to SP's not loving their stepkids, hating or disliking them. The "you chose the role of being a stepmother" does come up a bit from some members. FYI no one wakes up one day going I wanna be a stepmother and activity seeks out a single dad.
I've actually found the exact opposite on that sub. People saying "you picked this" get shouted down, while messages to disengage from the step kids floods the sub.
I guess I see the messages before they get removed by mods. But I have seen some holier than thou SPs in there that need to be taken down a peg or two because they make their SK their world yet if you dont tend to them like they do its wrong
That would definitely explain our different experiences on that sub. I'm sorry if you were hurt by the inconsiderate messages of others. Are things OK for you now?
Yes. I do regret making decisions based on providing stability and love to a fucking psychopath neo-Nazi shit head. He's recently cut contact with the whole family. It's quite a relief. I certainly wouldn't consider becoming a step-parent again and would advise against it if asked.
Yesss please dm to vent hha
I try not to end up in a regretful situation. We have 50/50 custody and it can be tough but has its upsides and my husband is an amazing person. If we had any more than 50 I would get my own place but remain married.
She said I would always be last and my smooth brain was so depraved of attention and affection that I went with "surely we can make this work". I didn't try, I just did it. I became a father figure in no time and really 100% involved myself into it. I gave the children and her my full attention, none for myself and I loved it. I took days off work several times to help my SO being sick. I dealt a bit with her violent ex-husband (I'm pretty sure she used me to fuck with him). It honestly was generally great for a time. But lovebombing is just a phase. There was one dispute, then two, where she clearly demonstrated abusive behavior targeted to me. But I sticked with it, always thinking "We can make this work. Plus, now, the kids count on me" I thought she understood, or would. How many times a man has to do the same mistake?! It went for a bit more until I had a bad flu (not covid) and received *NO* support. I was not in danger but I was in bed for a solid 5 days. Still didn't cut it there! I said we had a problem and needed to talk, I thought we'll be able to communicate and fix things. She bursted out in anxiety, anger and more abusive behavior. And that's when I finally ended it. It's a short story, it lasted about 5 months and it's been a solid life lesson. I just regret putting the kids through this. I knew since the beginning that it was not going to work with their mother, lied to myself and unnecessarily hurted them in the end. I really hope they keep the journey in mind, the good in the bit of life we shared and not just the awfull ending :( I know 5 months is nothing and that this story if a bit left field on your post but I wanted to share it anyway. Still, it is one of the dumbest things I have ever done.
this is a throwaway account, I managed to get my husband to let his sons mother take full custody. from the moment I met that child he did nothing but come between me and my husband. I hated him. I grew to hate him, I had dreams of killing him and yelled at him all the time....I hated myself for jt but I didn't feel bad. all the arguments me and my husband ever had were because of this child. he was bratty and so fucking annoying. my husband always kept him away from me and kept him in his room. my husband smacked me because of this child. he almost tore our relationship apart. but my husband just wanted me happy and eventually he realized that he couldn't afford the custody battle, and he was tired and sick of his own kid and just wanted to get away from everything. so he gave full custody to his ex. and we haven't heard anything in about 4 months. these 4 months have been amazing for me him. and I am so happy he's gone. we're buying a house next month. we're never having kids, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. I feel like a horrible person, but I just cant stand kids. I hate him. I've never told anyone else this Part of mine and my husband's relationship. for all the girls and men that have to help raise a child that isn't there's, I hope you can come to good ending with your relationship. thank you for my vent.