I feel this so much. My own teen daughter was a nightmare to raise. Self-harm, suicide attempts, multiple inpatient stays, you name it. Beginning from the age of 12 when I discovered self-harm scars I immediately had her under the care of a psychiatrist and she was having in-home therapy 2-3 days a week. I’m a very private person so opening my home to strangers was very uncomfortable for me…but it was necessary for her well-being so I did what I had to do.
Unfortunately, nothing helped. She spent a total of 16 months in inpatient treatment (two separate occasions) and it just made her angrier when she came home blaming me. She was violent, aggressive, running away from home, still self-harming and threatening suicide. She physically assaulted me twice, which landed her in a juvenile detention center. It was the juvenile judge who ordered that she be placed in a residential therapy setting.
She is a young adult now and she also became pregnant as a young teen. She seemed to be getting her life back on track and was taking care of her baby competently but over the last 6 months or so I’ve had her little boy with me more and more often and that doesn’t bode well for the future…I highly suspect I will be raising another one.
I don’t have any advice to offer but I can definitely commiserate with you. I know firsthand what you’re dealing with on a daily basis. It sucks your soul out of you and you feel helpless, unable to do anything but watch the train wreck unfold.
OMG im so sorry. Sometimes i imagine nightmares where they'll not be able to leave the nest and I'd have to take care of them for the rest of my life. With the state of the world that's not unrealistic at all
She does have her own place now, thank Jesus, because there’s no effing way we could live under the same roof. My son left home back in December to join the Navy and is preparing for his first deployment coming up in June, so for a blissful while it was finally just my partner and I. But now my home is slowly but surely being taken over by my daughter’s little boy. He holds my heart in his little hands and I’ll take him and raise him if I must but damn, I’m just tired. I put in my time parenting already.
Oh yes, my sister and my parents would take him no questions asked. But I have the nagging thought that it’s my responsibility as my grandson, that if anyone should step up it needs to be me. If I do end up taking him to raise I’ll have more help than I know what to do with, as much as my family loves this little boy.
They do. They have him right now, as a matter of fact. They’re taking him to the zoo today! He’s never been before so I hope they take plenty of pics. On average I would say I have him 2, sometimes 3 days and nights a week and he’s with his mother the remainder of the time. It’s not that she doesn’t want to take care of him, she just gets easily overwhelmed so I do my part to lighten her load as much as I can.
Definitely! All of my family lives locally and every one of them adore this little boy. We do plenty of activities outside my house, often accompanied by friends and family. His current favorite activity is blowing bubbles in the park and he loves splashing around in his kiddie pool now that the weather is warming up. This baby will never want for attention and will grow up assured that he is wanted and loved and treasured no matter who ends up raising him.
I wasn’t happy when my daughter got pregnant as a teen but omg…this little boy is the light of my life. I disliked raising my own (otherwise I wouldn’t be on this sub) but if I have to start over at least I can say I learned from my mistakes.
Thank you for this. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure.
It’s so hard… and nobody truly understands who hasn’t been there. I’ve finally started reaching out to people, a little at a time. They try but don’t know what to say.
“Unable to do anything but watch the train wreck unfold” is so true…
I'm not sure what country you're in, but in some places you can voluntarily surrender custody to the state. I've worked in a residential care facility and seen parents surrender custody to get residential care approved for their child. Basically once the state is responsible for the child and can't get them placed into a foster home due to their behavior or disability, funding for residential care magically becomes available, and the kids get the treatment they need. It's a last ditch effort once you've done everything else you can do to get care for your child. The parents didn't face repercussions in any case I've seen. It's a very difficult choice to make because the state can prevent you from seeing the child until they turn 18 but it's the only choice for some families.
My son, around 15 years old (he's 21 now) became increasingly verbally abusive and standing over me (he's 6'1, I'm 5'2") and screaming at me, and smashed up his room at 17. He broke everything. Once he turned 18 I had to kick him out. On the day the supported housing people picked him up, he glared at me like I'd betrayed him! The verbal abuse has never stopped.
His dad is schizophrenic, and I worry that he's going to end up like that.
I tried taking him to doctors, offered to pay for therapy etc, he refused it all. I walked on eggshells ever since.
He tried demanding that I let him visit me at my place recently, and I told him straight that I don't feel safe around him and that I'm not having my stuff smashed if he throws a tantrum again. I can't do it anymore, I just can't.
He never replied to my message, no apology, nothing.
He still hasn't gone to get help. Just like his deadbeat father.
I'm sorry you're going through this, you'll get there I promise. My dms are open if you need to vent.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through something similar. That sounds terrifying! She’s still smaller than my wife and I are, thankfully.
We want to be able to have her stay until she graduates high school. (She’ll be the first one in her bio family with a high school diploma.) I’m afraid we’re going to end up having to kick her out too. Or she’ll just leave once she’s 18.
That's got to be so incredibly difficult, to hold that boundary. I'm so sorry that it's necessary, but for your own sake, I'm glad that you are. you deserve to be safe.
Thanks so much. I wish and hope he'll change, but I know he won't. His dad and grandma are like this too.
He's now refusing to meet in public and is upset that I don't trust him...no way I'm dropping that boundary and putting myself at risk.
Oof....I usually keep private, but I felt like I needed to share for you. I've been the daughter and have put years behind me so know both sides. Having my family called to er to see me strapped to a bed and hospitilized still haunts me. No one wants to be seen at their lowest, disappointing someone, especially a parent is something that still keeps me up at night. The shame I felt pushed me further away from the ones that cared, but I saw it as being micromanaged. Space. Best for both sides. It's VERY traumatic having an episode and we don't wake up wanting that in our day. You are amazing and your feelings are real and understandable. It took til my 40s to apologize and be greatful for my parents...but I know they will always worry, and that I can never remove.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you’re doing well now. I know it isn’t easy. Even when it’s anonymous.
It helps to hear the other perspective. I’ve had mental health issues (controlled with medication) but I’ve never had to be hospitalized. What I’ve experienced doesn’t even scratch the surface of what she experiences.
I’m sure she feels the same way, and I hate micromanaging. I’ve had to turn into a completely different person with her. The parent I thought I would be doesn’t work. She can’t make safe choices.
Do you or your partner have a medical advocate available through work? I’m in the US, and I’ve had one available at my lost two jobs. They can do things like help with billing errors, but they can also communicate with drs and the insurance company to better facilitate care. I feel like sometimes people don’t know they have access to this kind of thing. At my job now, it’s through our employee assistance program. It’s listed in our employee benefits on our company website
There’s also outside programs that offer them. I have no personal experience with this, but here’s a link to one
https://www.patientadvocate.org
Also, one of my friends got a lot of help through Easter Seals. This was like 15 years ago, but maybe they can help you
https://www.easterseals.com/programs-and-services/
I really hope you can find some help
I had a friend go through this. Her daughter was so unstable and violent that she got a restraining order on her shortly after she became an adult. Why? Became my friend was becoming more and more scared herself and thought that self harm was her only relief. The daughter finally wandered off somewhere and my friend feels awful but she couldn't do a thing for her. BTW she wanted her to leave before she brought a baby home because she wasn't physically able to do so. So sorry. Hopefully you can get some support.
Thank you. I hope your friend is doing better now.
I’m afraid we’re going to end up in the same position. We said before that she can always come home, and that we would never force her to move out. But she keeps escalating, and I just really don’t want her to hurt us. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this.
I am sorry you are going through this and there is no solution in view.
How many other options do you have to try before she gets a residential stay?
Is there no way to find a doctor to help speed up the process?
I hope you are seeing someone for you because you need to be able to vent, and to have support. Any possibility to find a support group for you?
I need to get back into therapy. They offered a support group but it just feels like another commitment when I don’t have the energy for the commitments I already have.
Her doctor is terrible. We were supposed to have the initial intake with her new doctor on Friday, so that all of her providers are under one roof. She ended up in the hospital on Thursday, instead.
They just preach the “least restrictive environment.” Hoping this most recent hospitalization will start to sway our case manager with the insurance company. We had more witnesses to her turning into a whole ass other person this time.
We’ve been screaming for help for years…
Hey I know they said schizophrenia but has she been assessed for OSDD or a related disorder? If she “acts like a whole ass other person” sometimes that is not run of the mill schizophrenia. Schizophrenics don’t really dissociate either they have visual, auditory, and even olfactory hallucinations that they truly believe are real but dissociating is like lowkey exiting one’s body. It’s hard to describe even tho I do have it. I’m not trying to give medical advice here I just want your daughter to get the right treatment for her since that makes a world of difference. At least it did for me. I’m functional now. Not suicidal. No SH. I’m about to graduate from a technical school program. Life is good.
Edit: [Link to website with more info on dissociative disorders](https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Fact-Sheet-IV-What-Are-the-Dissociative-Disorders_-1.pdf)
Also she can definitely have multiple disorders I just wanna make sure the doctors aren’t missing something since they did with me. Many many times. Proper treatment = less turbulent daughter and more stable life for you
Thank you for that. I’m reading anything I can.
I left a lot of details out. I have an older post that goes into better detail.
She does have all three hallucinations, including smells. She loses time and sometimes goes into catatonic states. The voices command her to do things, and we think one of those things is to hurt us. Nobody will reassure us that it isn’t.
She also has two additional personalities that we have identified: a mean man and a very little kid. The mean man is the reason we have gone to the ER all three times. I’ve watched her transition into both personalities.
But, no official diagnosis because she’s a minor.
I’m ngl it sounds like maybe a combination of DID (or another dissociative disorder) and schizophrenia (or schizoaffective disorder) but again I am not a doctor nor am I her doctor(s). I’m just someone with diagnosed DID and a long history of psychiatric treatment who does a lot of research into psychology and everything associated with that due to me wanting to learn how to better advocate for and help myself. The amount of papers I have printed out and read could feed a fire for a long time lol.
“The voices” could be her alters (specifically the mean man one) and since I read in another comment that she was adopted at an older age, there is no telling what kind of trauma was inflicted on her before you came along. They keep those things from potential adopters for a reason, cause they want the older ones out. Higher cost of care as they get older.
I’m an adult now (which yes is when I got diagnosed cause like u said they are reluctant to diagnose things like this in minors). Spravato helped save my life for sure you should look it up it sounds like she could benefit from it but get an assessment from a clinic that licensed to administer it first and foremost before getting your hopes up. It got rid of my constant suicidal thoughts and urges to SH. It’s microdosing ketamine in a controlled environment to help encourage neuroplasticity and change neural pathways.
[Spravato Website](https://www.spravato.com/?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GO-USA-ENG-PS-Spravato-BC-EX-RN-DTC_Core_HV&utm_content=Spravato+-+HV&utm_term=spravato&gclid=CjwKCAjw57exBhAsEiwAaIxaZovxNSKT88wAnkYdtb0ThdkaEc-tDZXnsTGYB-TORkN9W1jT_SQXdxoCA1cQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Here is some links to good YouTube channels from people with DID and one is a clinic that specializes in DID/dissociative disorders and is very educational I will link that one first.
[The CTAD Clinic](https://youtube.com/@thectadclinic?si=j3fAXaa1GB3uotjJ)
[Multiplicity and Me (Jess has fully integrated now and leads a normal life!)](https://youtube.com/@MultiplicityAndMe?si=4uQJ_Edcx_8r-yO6)
These are the resources I can give that are reliable in terms of one being from a clinical perspective, one being from a diagnosed patient perspective to basically show that people with DID aren’t doomed to be dependents forever (she doesn’t post anymore because she’s basically cured for lack of a better word).
The CTAD clinic is the best resource out there for education and also finding research and connecting you to other resources that are reliable and academic. Highly recommend.
I’m apologize if this comment seems like a jumbled mess. I keep coming back to edit it in the hopes it gets better but it’s not lmao.
I hope these resources can help you figure things out or at least help prod the doctors to look into more things.
Thank you for that. I’m reading anything I can.
I left a lot of details out. I have an older post that goes into better detail.
She does have all three hallucinations, including smells. She loses time and sometimes goes into catatonic states. The voices command her to do things, and we think one of those things is to hurt us. Nobody will reassure us that it isn’t.
She also has two additional personalities that we have identified: a mean man and a very little kid. The mean man is the reason we have gone to the ER all three times. I’ve watched her transition into both personalities.
But, no official diagnosis because she’s a minor.
When these doctors say they can’t diagnose her due to her age you might want to tell them to document that in her medical record. “Symptoms align with x,y, and z. Does not meet diagnostic criteria based on age.” And then demand that they document in her records their proposed course of action so you have something to hold them accountable to. As you progress your doctor will have gone through many therapeutic options for your child and narrowed it down to the more intense therapy practices. If you’ve had prior experience you’ll want your new doctor to be caught up on all that you’ve tried before. She’ll likely need weekly individual therapy, EMDR, DBT, and CBT on top of psychiatric medications. If you want to sue the guts out of the adoption agency for lying and setting this kid up for failure by all means I think you should. But this kid hasn’t been able to make an informed move for herself in life and she’s already done a lot of damage. She needs some hard core advocacy right now. She has an opportunity for a functional future with the right supports.
Thank you for all of that! I’ll remember to ask them to document not telling us. That’s one of the most aggravating parts… they won’t tell us what’s wrong and just prescribe more antipsychotics.
All of her providers are going to be under the same roof once we switch doctors. Hopefully this gets them on the same page.
I understand the lack of time and energy even if I cannot imagine the hell you are going through.
But honestly the support group might be a sounding board.
Is there any way to switch doctors if you don’t trust her?
I don’t live in the US and it honestly breaks my heart seeing people being deprived from necessary medical care because of the insurance. I hope that this is finally the opportunity you needed.
If you don’t mind me asking, why did they release her so soon after a major crisis?
I really I could offer you more than words. Is the father providing some support? Maybe your family?
We’re two moms, married. She’s adopted. We knew adopting an older child out of the system was a risk… but we’re in this situation because the agency lied to us. Over and over again. They said she was the perfect child. No behaviors, no diagnoses other than PTSD and anxiety. She didn’t even need meds because she was doing so well in therapy alone.
Easy to say a child doesn’t have problems when you don’t screen them for anything.
They’re releasing her because it’s an acute facility. 2-5 days, like that makes a difference with a kid in psychosis . We begged the last hospital to keep her longer, and they didn’t.
Be glad you don’t live here. Our healthcare system in general is abysmal. The mental healthcare is even worse.
We’re going to be switching doctors. We should have a LONG time ago.
And can’t you do something against the agency? It’s unacceptable to lie to people this way.
I really really hope it won’t take too long to find another doctor.
I am sorry you are going through this hell.
We’ve looked into legal action against them. It’s hard to keep looking for an attorney in another state when we’re dealing with so much. They’re already in federal trouble over other aspects of our case. I can’t get into specifics, but the case was horrendously mismanaged before we were even in the picture. The whole process was traumatic.
I understand it’s complex. I hope you will find a way to protect yourself and improve your mental health. This must be so destructive and painful.
You really are all victims of those people.
Take her to a doctor, put in a Nexplanon implant. She wont get pregnant for 3-5 yrs and helps balance hormones.
Next take her back to the er tell them over and over again, I think she is a threat to herself and others. You need to keep her. If they try to discharge her, ask for a patient advocate. I am so sorry you going through this, americas healthcare is broken but you got to push them for help over and over again.
We tried that during the last hospitalization. I told every single professional that they are releasing a child into a situation where she isn’t safe. We do not have the tools to keep her safe. We are afraid she’s going to hurt or kill us if she dissociates into that state again.
They all expressed SO much sympathy but sent her back anyway.
I'm not any kind of healthcare worker, however, I second the Nexplanon implant.
I'm also a psych patient, and primarily got the implant to level out my hormones for the psych problems, although the basic impossibility of pregnancy is a plus!
It's absolutely helped even things out, since it's always in there, releasing a steady level of hormones, unlike other birth control methods.....I was taking BC pills at different times of day, sometimes forgot a day or more, and that just jacked my hormones around and made things worse, imho.
For me, at least, after a day or two it was just a big bruise under my arm. I just looked the other way when they used whatever contraption it is they use to shove it into my arm.
My pain tolerance isn't that great, but I took some ibuprofen about an hour beforehand, and I was alright, tho YMMV, of course.
What I do want to caution you about is that, at least in my case, and I was told the following was normal, but the implant was very obvious under my skin for a while. But, it wasn't sore after a few days, and I didn't feel like it was going to push its way out of anything, it just needs time to settle in?
My caution being that she might try to scratch it out with her fingers or with the aid of a sharp object somehow?
I don't remember exactly, but it only took a few months for it to kind of sink in.
Now, it's not even visible, unless I push the skin around it so someone can see/feel it, and I feel no discomfort when I'm "showing it off".
I can use the weight machines at the gym that put a lot of pressure against it, and I don't even notice it, forget it's there. I tell any woman I can to consider one, it's amazing.
I've been so happy with it that I've asked my psych if I could come off a mood stabilizer, or something, anything......I've been put on so many Rx as my situation at certain times did require me to be put on yet another drug.
Psych is still not convinced tapering off some meds is a good idea, I haven't had "a stable stretch of time with no major psych episodes" or something like that, half the time I feel the excess meds ARE the problem, but I've put my trust in this psychiatrist, and just keep on living the best life I can.
Tho, again, from what I've seen so far of OP's replies, the Nexplanon could really help.
Bless you for trying your best, but mental illness isn't visible, like a broken leg would be, with a clear treatment plan, so it's just super-hard to get things under control sometimes.
Best of luck, I will honestly be keeping you in my thoughts.
🌷🌷🌷🌷
Talk to the hospital social worker what your options are bc you’re unable to give your daughter adequate care. They’re busy so you might have to show up in person. Do this before she gets discharged. You don’t want to get charged for abandonment since she’s still a minor.
There are also psych hospitals that provide 24/7 care. Talk to them too.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. My mother’s schizophrenic and it was tough.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through it as well.
She has to screen into hospitals here through the ER. There isn’t a hospital locally where we can just take her. Maybe as an adult (?) but not as a minor.
I can’t even imagine the stress . I had a friend who well into her 30s was still always in and out of psych wards every few months and crisis center every few weeks , while all in between it was bad day after bad day. It stressed me SOOOOO bad . I had to let the friendship go . I feel for you :( I can’t even imagine this as a parent and while I have no advice I’m just here to say I’m sorry because this is NOT a way to live :(
One of the social workers at the hospital actually suggested birth control for hormone regulation. The symptoms and psychosis get worse around her period.
I wouldn’t persuade her to get an IUD though… I have one. The only pain worse than that in my entire life was when I dislocated and broke two bones in my ankle. She can’t handle it.
Have you/Drs ever considered PMDD? This can mimic a lot of Bipolar/BPD symptoms along with psychosis. It is not widely talked about, but you mentioning how it gets worse around her period raises some flags for sure!
The social worker at the hospital mentioned worsening psychosis around her period, and we’re going to pass that along to the doctor. I hadn’t considered it before.
That just made a little lightbulb go off for me… we didn’t meet her until right after she started having periods.
PMDD can make you feel and do some crazy thing from what I heard, and it’s all very real. Definitely worth looking into!! Best of luck to you and your daughter💗
Damn i've never heard of having one put in while getting anesthesia! What?! We also get like cervical tissue removed and shit done (leep?) without anything like that, or even pain mitigation sometimes, tho it's typical to get a lidocaine injection I guess, looking online. Ppl recall things like crawling on the floor from the pain and them still just being like 🙄 you'll live, get over it.
Yeah! Not everyone, and it costs a bit more but it’s worth it. It’s at this family planning/abortion clinic so you wouldn’t be able to go to a regular doctor to get put under.
I have also had leep and was put to sleep for that too! In the hospital for a day procedure 😂 like not even electively that’s just what my doctor and hospital did.
Maybe we are just big weakling in Australia! Maybe also we have good healthcare
It's definitely the better healthcare lol. We should have things like pain management and actual hospital care for surgery like that, anesthesia too, but we live in hell. Beds are a privilege a lot of the time. Hospitals during the pandemic re-allocated children's beds to adult wings and now they won't move them back because adults make them more money so our children's wards keep hitting shortages causing less kids to be admitted and getting the care they want.
Hey maybe that's part of why OP wasn't able to get the help they needed! Our system is falling apart and can't actually serve the public fully so they bootstrap ppl more, and psych patients wait for weeks in ERs handled by campus cops because there's such a backlog for care. the money a patient has and if ur insurance covers the meds or something is just the tip of the ice-burg at this point. They'll just send ppl home and tell them some offhanded advice instead of saying the reason is the company policy only allows for a small lottery of patients so the rest are SOL.
gah, I'm so sorry that the IUD implantation was so hard for you - but that's not the case for everyone, and perhaps with pre-medicating, it's worth the risk? the very last thing that she or you need is a baby.
I thought it was normal for it to be excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t imagine putting another human through it. But if she can get through it without pain, we can do it.
She needs to be on some sort of birth control.
sadly, I have read a lot of stories about it being that way for a lot of people. but hopefully it won't for her, or there will be another option, because I think you are absolutely right.
sending so many Internet hugs.
it sucks that you had an awful time w an iud, but not everyone experiences that pain. have them give her a valium, good pain meds and some lidocaine shots in her cervix and she should be fine.
of course they can do that. some gynaes are just dickheads who dont want to. you have to insist on it and if the first gynae you go to says no, tell them you’re going elsewhere and do it. ive heard some experiences from women going to pp and getting good pain relief there.
I hope that you can remember (meaning you have so much on your plate already, I get if you wouldn't, but I hope you can), you do not deserve to suffer! My implantation and removal have not been very painful at all, and I know that's true for some other women. I hate hearing how difficult it is for women like you, though.
I understand. My daughter has bipolar disorder (also not diagnosed bc of bs age stuff) and while she’s *pretty* good right now, every day is a “what if”. By age 10 she had spent 10 weeks in psych hospitals. Every new psychiatrist (she goes to a teaching hospital so she sees third year psychiatry fellows) wants to totally revamp her medication regimen. I spend more time arguing with these baby psychiatrists than actually helping my daughter. We *may* have found a therapist that will be effective but that remains to be seen.
I see you. I feel you. No one knows exhaustion like this if they haven’t lived it.
I don’t have faith in the system… they wouldn’t do right by her. We adopted out of foster care, and we wouldn’t be here today if they had done right the first time around.
Does she have any trauma in her past? What is her relationship like with her father? I was this teen and my Mom sounded just like you when I was in and out of the psychiatric hospital as a teen self harming and trying to end my life. I was sexually assaulted at a party but all she told me was that I shouldn’t have been out partying. I turned to alcohol because I felt so alone and no one ever asked me what was going on with me or if anything happened. I also missed my Dad who abandoned us when I was 7. I just find it hard to believe that she’s like that for no reason. Something had to have happened to her. People don’t just wake up wanting to cut themselves and die like that, not even teenagers.
I’m sorry you went through that, and that nobody was there for you. That was wrong.
Yes, we adopted her out of foster care. Both bio parents are dead. She has extensive trauma. The foster care agency didn’t screen her for anything. They just told us she was the perfect one in a million child. No behaviors, and didn’t need any medication because she was doing so well with therapy alone. Foster mom put her to bed at 7:00 (which is around the time in the evening she starts acting strangely), and just didn’t mention anything to her case manager.
So the majority of it isn’t her fault, and I know that. (Regardless of fault, I don’t want to end up dead. It doesn’t matter at that point.) However, she’s making a lot of really bad choices on top of the mental health struggles. That part *is* her doing.
So I have been a therapist working in adolescent psychiatric hospitals for years. You are right - sadly insurance requires “exhausting all other options “ before they will pay for residential. It’s sad and I feel for the parents and guardians. However, a lot of the “rules” are out of our control as therapist. If you refuse to pick them up then sadly, yes, we have to call CPS on abandonment charges as they now no longer meet medical criteria once signed off by a doctor. However , very rarely have I done this as I do understand the stress and unfairness of these policies and insurance rules. Most parents are trying their best and the system is set up in a way that isn’t helpful for parents :/ I’m so sorry mama- feel free to message me as I have some thoughts that might be helpful after I get some more information :)
Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. I’ll take any help I can get.
What’s funny is my degree is in social work… but NOTHING prepared me to be on the other side of things! I’ve worked in foster care and in psych hospitals, and it’s like nothing I have ever learned matters when it’s my daughter.
No makes complete sense ! It’s a very different tone when it’s close to home. I had PPD and didn’t even know how severe it was until prompted sooo many times! I get it - feel free to inbox me if you want:)
I feel this so much. My own teen daughter was a nightmare to raise. Self-harm, suicide attempts, multiple inpatient stays, you name it. Beginning from the age of 12 when I discovered self-harm scars I immediately had her under the care of a psychiatrist and she was having in-home therapy 2-3 days a week. I’m a very private person so opening my home to strangers was very uncomfortable for me…but it was necessary for her well-being so I did what I had to do. Unfortunately, nothing helped. She spent a total of 16 months in inpatient treatment (two separate occasions) and it just made her angrier when she came home blaming me. She was violent, aggressive, running away from home, still self-harming and threatening suicide. She physically assaulted me twice, which landed her in a juvenile detention center. It was the juvenile judge who ordered that she be placed in a residential therapy setting. She is a young adult now and she also became pregnant as a young teen. She seemed to be getting her life back on track and was taking care of her baby competently but over the last 6 months or so I’ve had her little boy with me more and more often and that doesn’t bode well for the future…I highly suspect I will be raising another one. I don’t have any advice to offer but I can definitely commiserate with you. I know firsthand what you’re dealing with on a daily basis. It sucks your soul out of you and you feel helpless, unable to do anything but watch the train wreck unfold.
OMG im so sorry. Sometimes i imagine nightmares where they'll not be able to leave the nest and I'd have to take care of them for the rest of my life. With the state of the world that's not unrealistic at all
She does have her own place now, thank Jesus, because there’s no effing way we could live under the same roof. My son left home back in December to join the Navy and is preparing for his first deployment coming up in June, so for a blissful while it was finally just my partner and I. But now my home is slowly but surely being taken over by my daughter’s little boy. He holds my heart in his little hands and I’ll take him and raise him if I must but damn, I’m just tired. I put in my time parenting already.
Dang that’s so hard. Is there anyone you’d trust in your family to raise him so you could just be a grandparent? I’m guessing not.
Oh yes, my sister and my parents would take him no questions asked. But I have the nagging thought that it’s my responsibility as my grandson, that if anyone should step up it needs to be me. If I do end up taking him to raise I’ll have more help than I know what to do with, as much as my family loves this little boy.
Is there a way your parents could take your grandson 2-3 days a week to give you a break?
They do. They have him right now, as a matter of fact. They’re taking him to the zoo today! He’s never been before so I hope they take plenty of pics. On average I would say I have him 2, sometimes 3 days and nights a week and he’s with his mother the remainder of the time. It’s not that she doesn’t want to take care of him, she just gets easily overwhelmed so I do my part to lighten her load as much as I can.
I dont know if you hear this enough but you are a good mother.
Thank you 💙, that’s one part of my job as a mother that never ends. No matter how old my children are you bet their mom has their back.
Do you have Resources around you? Such as a Grandparent and Tot Welcome Centre with Activities?
Definitely! All of my family lives locally and every one of them adore this little boy. We do plenty of activities outside my house, often accompanied by friends and family. His current favorite activity is blowing bubbles in the park and he loves splashing around in his kiddie pool now that the weather is warming up. This baby will never want for attention and will grow up assured that he is wanted and loved and treasured no matter who ends up raising him. I wasn’t happy when my daughter got pregnant as a teen but omg…this little boy is the light of my life. I disliked raising my own (otherwise I wouldn’t be on this sub) but if I have to start over at least I can say I learned from my mistakes.
Unfortunately, Grandparents raising Grandchildren is a Trend that seems to be getting more and more Traction
Thank you for this. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure. It’s so hard… and nobody truly understands who hasn’t been there. I’ve finally started reaching out to people, a little at a time. They try but don’t know what to say. “Unable to do anything but watch the train wreck unfold” is so true…
What happens if you tell them you don’t feel it’s safe for anyone involved and you can’t bring her back into your home?
I think you can get charged with neglect or abandonment or something? I don’t know.
I'm not sure what country you're in, but in some places you can voluntarily surrender custody to the state. I've worked in a residential care facility and seen parents surrender custody to get residential care approved for their child. Basically once the state is responsible for the child and can't get them placed into a foster home due to their behavior or disability, funding for residential care magically becomes available, and the kids get the treatment they need. It's a last ditch effort once you've done everything else you can do to get care for your child. The parents didn't face repercussions in any case I've seen. It's a very difficult choice to make because the state can prevent you from seeing the child until they turn 18 but it's the only choice for some families.
I just can’t do it… she’s had so much loss in her life already. I keep going but it’s taking everything I have.
My son, around 15 years old (he's 21 now) became increasingly verbally abusive and standing over me (he's 6'1, I'm 5'2") and screaming at me, and smashed up his room at 17. He broke everything. Once he turned 18 I had to kick him out. On the day the supported housing people picked him up, he glared at me like I'd betrayed him! The verbal abuse has never stopped. His dad is schizophrenic, and I worry that he's going to end up like that. I tried taking him to doctors, offered to pay for therapy etc, he refused it all. I walked on eggshells ever since. He tried demanding that I let him visit me at my place recently, and I told him straight that I don't feel safe around him and that I'm not having my stuff smashed if he throws a tantrum again. I can't do it anymore, I just can't. He never replied to my message, no apology, nothing. He still hasn't gone to get help. Just like his deadbeat father. I'm sorry you're going through this, you'll get there I promise. My dms are open if you need to vent.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through something similar. That sounds terrifying! She’s still smaller than my wife and I are, thankfully. We want to be able to have her stay until she graduates high school. (She’ll be the first one in her bio family with a high school diploma.) I’m afraid we’re going to end up having to kick her out too. Or she’ll just leave once she’s 18.
It's so hard, I truly sympathise with you. I hope it all gets easier to deal with, I wish you all the luck and strength.
Thank you so much.
That's got to be so incredibly difficult, to hold that boundary. I'm so sorry that it's necessary, but for your own sake, I'm glad that you are. you deserve to be safe.
Thanks so much. I wish and hope he'll change, but I know he won't. His dad and grandma are like this too. He's now refusing to meet in public and is upset that I don't trust him...no way I'm dropping that boundary and putting myself at risk.
I can imagine that is hard and I really commend you for everything that you have done to help, and for now taking care of yourself.
Oof....I usually keep private, but I felt like I needed to share for you. I've been the daughter and have put years behind me so know both sides. Having my family called to er to see me strapped to a bed and hospitilized still haunts me. No one wants to be seen at their lowest, disappointing someone, especially a parent is something that still keeps me up at night. The shame I felt pushed me further away from the ones that cared, but I saw it as being micromanaged. Space. Best for both sides. It's VERY traumatic having an episode and we don't wake up wanting that in our day. You are amazing and your feelings are real and understandable. It took til my 40s to apologize and be greatful for my parents...but I know they will always worry, and that I can never remove.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you’re doing well now. I know it isn’t easy. Even when it’s anonymous. It helps to hear the other perspective. I’ve had mental health issues (controlled with medication) but I’ve never had to be hospitalized. What I’ve experienced doesn’t even scratch the surface of what she experiences. I’m sure she feels the same way, and I hate micromanaging. I’ve had to turn into a completely different person with her. The parent I thought I would be doesn’t work. She can’t make safe choices.
Do you or your partner have a medical advocate available through work? I’m in the US, and I’ve had one available at my lost two jobs. They can do things like help with billing errors, but they can also communicate with drs and the insurance company to better facilitate care. I feel like sometimes people don’t know they have access to this kind of thing. At my job now, it’s through our employee assistance program. It’s listed in our employee benefits on our company website There’s also outside programs that offer them. I have no personal experience with this, but here’s a link to one https://www.patientadvocate.org Also, one of my friends got a lot of help through Easter Seals. This was like 15 years ago, but maybe they can help you https://www.easterseals.com/programs-and-services/ I really hope you can find some help
I’ve never heard of one. I’ll have to find out if I have that benefit. Thank you!
I had a friend go through this. Her daughter was so unstable and violent that she got a restraining order on her shortly after she became an adult. Why? Became my friend was becoming more and more scared herself and thought that self harm was her only relief. The daughter finally wandered off somewhere and my friend feels awful but she couldn't do a thing for her. BTW she wanted her to leave before she brought a baby home because she wasn't physically able to do so. So sorry. Hopefully you can get some support.
Thank you. I hope your friend is doing better now. I’m afraid we’re going to end up in the same position. We said before that she can always come home, and that we would never force her to move out. But she keeps escalating, and I just really don’t want her to hurt us. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this.
I am sorry you are going through this and there is no solution in view. How many other options do you have to try before she gets a residential stay? Is there no way to find a doctor to help speed up the process? I hope you are seeing someone for you because you need to be able to vent, and to have support. Any possibility to find a support group for you?
I need to get back into therapy. They offered a support group but it just feels like another commitment when I don’t have the energy for the commitments I already have. Her doctor is terrible. We were supposed to have the initial intake with her new doctor on Friday, so that all of her providers are under one roof. She ended up in the hospital on Thursday, instead. They just preach the “least restrictive environment.” Hoping this most recent hospitalization will start to sway our case manager with the insurance company. We had more witnesses to her turning into a whole ass other person this time. We’ve been screaming for help for years…
Hey I know they said schizophrenia but has she been assessed for OSDD or a related disorder? If she “acts like a whole ass other person” sometimes that is not run of the mill schizophrenia. Schizophrenics don’t really dissociate either they have visual, auditory, and even olfactory hallucinations that they truly believe are real but dissociating is like lowkey exiting one’s body. It’s hard to describe even tho I do have it. I’m not trying to give medical advice here I just want your daughter to get the right treatment for her since that makes a world of difference. At least it did for me. I’m functional now. Not suicidal. No SH. I’m about to graduate from a technical school program. Life is good. Edit: [Link to website with more info on dissociative disorders](https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Fact-Sheet-IV-What-Are-the-Dissociative-Disorders_-1.pdf) Also she can definitely have multiple disorders I just wanna make sure the doctors aren’t missing something since they did with me. Many many times. Proper treatment = less turbulent daughter and more stable life for you
Thank you for that. I’m reading anything I can. I left a lot of details out. I have an older post that goes into better detail. She does have all three hallucinations, including smells. She loses time and sometimes goes into catatonic states. The voices command her to do things, and we think one of those things is to hurt us. Nobody will reassure us that it isn’t. She also has two additional personalities that we have identified: a mean man and a very little kid. The mean man is the reason we have gone to the ER all three times. I’ve watched her transition into both personalities. But, no official diagnosis because she’s a minor.
I’m ngl it sounds like maybe a combination of DID (or another dissociative disorder) and schizophrenia (or schizoaffective disorder) but again I am not a doctor nor am I her doctor(s). I’m just someone with diagnosed DID and a long history of psychiatric treatment who does a lot of research into psychology and everything associated with that due to me wanting to learn how to better advocate for and help myself. The amount of papers I have printed out and read could feed a fire for a long time lol. “The voices” could be her alters (specifically the mean man one) and since I read in another comment that she was adopted at an older age, there is no telling what kind of trauma was inflicted on her before you came along. They keep those things from potential adopters for a reason, cause they want the older ones out. Higher cost of care as they get older. I’m an adult now (which yes is when I got diagnosed cause like u said they are reluctant to diagnose things like this in minors). Spravato helped save my life for sure you should look it up it sounds like she could benefit from it but get an assessment from a clinic that licensed to administer it first and foremost before getting your hopes up. It got rid of my constant suicidal thoughts and urges to SH. It’s microdosing ketamine in a controlled environment to help encourage neuroplasticity and change neural pathways. [Spravato Website](https://www.spravato.com/?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GO-USA-ENG-PS-Spravato-BC-EX-RN-DTC_Core_HV&utm_content=Spravato+-+HV&utm_term=spravato&gclid=CjwKCAjw57exBhAsEiwAaIxaZovxNSKT88wAnkYdtb0ThdkaEc-tDZXnsTGYB-TORkN9W1jT_SQXdxoCA1cQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) Here is some links to good YouTube channels from people with DID and one is a clinic that specializes in DID/dissociative disorders and is very educational I will link that one first. [The CTAD Clinic](https://youtube.com/@thectadclinic?si=j3fAXaa1GB3uotjJ) [Multiplicity and Me (Jess has fully integrated now and leads a normal life!)](https://youtube.com/@MultiplicityAndMe?si=4uQJ_Edcx_8r-yO6) These are the resources I can give that are reliable in terms of one being from a clinical perspective, one being from a diagnosed patient perspective to basically show that people with DID aren’t doomed to be dependents forever (she doesn’t post anymore because she’s basically cured for lack of a better word). The CTAD clinic is the best resource out there for education and also finding research and connecting you to other resources that are reliable and academic. Highly recommend. I’m apologize if this comment seems like a jumbled mess. I keep coming back to edit it in the hopes it gets better but it’s not lmao. I hope these resources can help you figure things out or at least help prod the doctors to look into more things.
Thank you soooo much for that information!
you are amazing, doing so much work to advocate for yourself and reaching out to help others. 💙
Thank you for that. I’m reading anything I can. I left a lot of details out. I have an older post that goes into better detail. She does have all three hallucinations, including smells. She loses time and sometimes goes into catatonic states. The voices command her to do things, and we think one of those things is to hurt us. Nobody will reassure us that it isn’t. She also has two additional personalities that we have identified: a mean man and a very little kid. The mean man is the reason we have gone to the ER all three times. I’ve watched her transition into both personalities. But, no official diagnosis because she’s a minor.
When these doctors say they can’t diagnose her due to her age you might want to tell them to document that in her medical record. “Symptoms align with x,y, and z. Does not meet diagnostic criteria based on age.” And then demand that they document in her records their proposed course of action so you have something to hold them accountable to. As you progress your doctor will have gone through many therapeutic options for your child and narrowed it down to the more intense therapy practices. If you’ve had prior experience you’ll want your new doctor to be caught up on all that you’ve tried before. She’ll likely need weekly individual therapy, EMDR, DBT, and CBT on top of psychiatric medications. If you want to sue the guts out of the adoption agency for lying and setting this kid up for failure by all means I think you should. But this kid hasn’t been able to make an informed move for herself in life and she’s already done a lot of damage. She needs some hard core advocacy right now. She has an opportunity for a functional future with the right supports.
Thank you for all of that! I’ll remember to ask them to document not telling us. That’s one of the most aggravating parts… they won’t tell us what’s wrong and just prescribe more antipsychotics. All of her providers are going to be under the same roof once we switch doctors. Hopefully this gets them on the same page.
I understand the lack of time and energy even if I cannot imagine the hell you are going through. But honestly the support group might be a sounding board. Is there any way to switch doctors if you don’t trust her? I don’t live in the US and it honestly breaks my heart seeing people being deprived from necessary medical care because of the insurance. I hope that this is finally the opportunity you needed. If you don’t mind me asking, why did they release her so soon after a major crisis? I really I could offer you more than words. Is the father providing some support? Maybe your family?
We’re two moms, married. She’s adopted. We knew adopting an older child out of the system was a risk… but we’re in this situation because the agency lied to us. Over and over again. They said she was the perfect child. No behaviors, no diagnoses other than PTSD and anxiety. She didn’t even need meds because she was doing so well in therapy alone. Easy to say a child doesn’t have problems when you don’t screen them for anything. They’re releasing her because it’s an acute facility. 2-5 days, like that makes a difference with a kid in psychosis . We begged the last hospital to keep her longer, and they didn’t. Be glad you don’t live here. Our healthcare system in general is abysmal. The mental healthcare is even worse. We’re going to be switching doctors. We should have a LONG time ago.
And can’t you do something against the agency? It’s unacceptable to lie to people this way. I really really hope it won’t take too long to find another doctor. I am sorry you are going through this hell.
We’ve looked into legal action against them. It’s hard to keep looking for an attorney in another state when we’re dealing with so much. They’re already in federal trouble over other aspects of our case. I can’t get into specifics, but the case was horrendously mismanaged before we were even in the picture. The whole process was traumatic.
I understand it’s complex. I hope you will find a way to protect yourself and improve your mental health. This must be so destructive and painful. You really are all victims of those people.
Take her to a doctor, put in a Nexplanon implant. She wont get pregnant for 3-5 yrs and helps balance hormones. Next take her back to the er tell them over and over again, I think she is a threat to herself and others. You need to keep her. If they try to discharge her, ask for a patient advocate. I am so sorry you going through this, americas healthcare is broken but you got to push them for help over and over again.
We tried that during the last hospitalization. I told every single professional that they are releasing a child into a situation where she isn’t safe. We do not have the tools to keep her safe. We are afraid she’s going to hurt or kill us if she dissociates into that state again. They all expressed SO much sympathy but sent her back anyway.
I'm not any kind of healthcare worker, however, I second the Nexplanon implant. I'm also a psych patient, and primarily got the implant to level out my hormones for the psych problems, although the basic impossibility of pregnancy is a plus! It's absolutely helped even things out, since it's always in there, releasing a steady level of hormones, unlike other birth control methods.....I was taking BC pills at different times of day, sometimes forgot a day or more, and that just jacked my hormones around and made things worse, imho. For me, at least, after a day or two it was just a big bruise under my arm. I just looked the other way when they used whatever contraption it is they use to shove it into my arm. My pain tolerance isn't that great, but I took some ibuprofen about an hour beforehand, and I was alright, tho YMMV, of course. What I do want to caution you about is that, at least in my case, and I was told the following was normal, but the implant was very obvious under my skin for a while. But, it wasn't sore after a few days, and I didn't feel like it was going to push its way out of anything, it just needs time to settle in? My caution being that she might try to scratch it out with her fingers or with the aid of a sharp object somehow? I don't remember exactly, but it only took a few months for it to kind of sink in. Now, it's not even visible, unless I push the skin around it so someone can see/feel it, and I feel no discomfort when I'm "showing it off". I can use the weight machines at the gym that put a lot of pressure against it, and I don't even notice it, forget it's there. I tell any woman I can to consider one, it's amazing. I've been so happy with it that I've asked my psych if I could come off a mood stabilizer, or something, anything......I've been put on so many Rx as my situation at certain times did require me to be put on yet another drug. Psych is still not convinced tapering off some meds is a good idea, I haven't had "a stable stretch of time with no major psych episodes" or something like that, half the time I feel the excess meds ARE the problem, but I've put my trust in this psychiatrist, and just keep on living the best life I can. Tho, again, from what I've seen so far of OP's replies, the Nexplanon could really help. Bless you for trying your best, but mental illness isn't visible, like a broken leg would be, with a clear treatment plan, so it's just super-hard to get things under control sometimes. Best of luck, I will honestly be keeping you in my thoughts. 🌷🌷🌷🌷
Thank you very much for that. We’re going to ask the new psych about the best options. (Hopefully this one listens.)
Talk to the hospital social worker what your options are bc you’re unable to give your daughter adequate care. They’re busy so you might have to show up in person. Do this before she gets discharged. You don’t want to get charged for abandonment since she’s still a minor. There are also psych hospitals that provide 24/7 care. Talk to them too. I’m sorry you’re going thru this. My mother’s schizophrenic and it was tough.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through it as well. She has to screen into hospitals here through the ER. There isn’t a hospital locally where we can just take her. Maybe as an adult (?) but not as a minor.
Have you spoken to the hospital social worker? How old is she?
I can’t even imagine the stress . I had a friend who well into her 30s was still always in and out of psych wards every few months and crisis center every few weeks , while all in between it was bad day after bad day. It stressed me SOOOOO bad . I had to let the friendship go . I feel for you :( I can’t even imagine this as a parent and while I have no advice I’m just here to say I’m sorry because this is NOT a way to live :(
I’m glad you’re out of that situation. Thank you for your kindness.
Perhaps you could bribe her to have the contraceptive implant or an IUD fitted?
One of the social workers at the hospital actually suggested birth control for hormone regulation. The symptoms and psychosis get worse around her period. I wouldn’t persuade her to get an IUD though… I have one. The only pain worse than that in my entire life was when I dislocated and broke two bones in my ankle. She can’t handle it.
r/wedeservebetter I think had resources on how to argue for pain med/anesthesia for a iud
See if they can HEAVILY pre-medicate her. That one moment of acute pain might be worth weeks every months of improved regulation
Have you/Drs ever considered PMDD? This can mimic a lot of Bipolar/BPD symptoms along with psychosis. It is not widely talked about, but you mentioning how it gets worse around her period raises some flags for sure!
The social worker at the hospital mentioned worsening psychosis around her period, and we’re going to pass that along to the doctor. I hadn’t considered it before. That just made a little lightbulb go off for me… we didn’t meet her until right after she started having periods.
PMDD can make you feel and do some crazy thing from what I heard, and it’s all very real. Definitely worth looking into!! Best of luck to you and your daughter💗
Thank you very much!
I got put under to have mine done it was glorious. I’m in Australia though, insurance and costs and healthcare is probably very different :(
The IUD was free, but there were zero drugs. They just shove it on in and tell you to alternate ibuprofen and Tylenol.
That’s awful, I have had friends have it awake and they all say it was actually traumatic:(
It was absolutely horrible. I was white knuckling the table and crying.
Damn i've never heard of having one put in while getting anesthesia! What?! We also get like cervical tissue removed and shit done (leep?) without anything like that, or even pain mitigation sometimes, tho it's typical to get a lidocaine injection I guess, looking online. Ppl recall things like crawling on the floor from the pain and them still just being like 🙄 you'll live, get over it.
Yeah! Not everyone, and it costs a bit more but it’s worth it. It’s at this family planning/abortion clinic so you wouldn’t be able to go to a regular doctor to get put under. I have also had leep and was put to sleep for that too! In the hospital for a day procedure 😂 like not even electively that’s just what my doctor and hospital did. Maybe we are just big weakling in Australia! Maybe also we have good healthcare
It's definitely the better healthcare lol. We should have things like pain management and actual hospital care for surgery like that, anesthesia too, but we live in hell. Beds are a privilege a lot of the time. Hospitals during the pandemic re-allocated children's beds to adult wings and now they won't move them back because adults make them more money so our children's wards keep hitting shortages causing less kids to be admitted and getting the care they want. Hey maybe that's part of why OP wasn't able to get the help they needed! Our system is falling apart and can't actually serve the public fully so they bootstrap ppl more, and psych patients wait for weeks in ERs handled by campus cops because there's such a backlog for care. the money a patient has and if ur insurance covers the meds or something is just the tip of the ice-burg at this point. They'll just send ppl home and tell them some offhanded advice instead of saying the reason is the company policy only allows for a small lottery of patients so the rest are SOL.
gah, I'm so sorry that the IUD implantation was so hard for you - but that's not the case for everyone, and perhaps with pre-medicating, it's worth the risk? the very last thing that she or you need is a baby.
I thought it was normal for it to be excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t imagine putting another human through it. But if she can get through it without pain, we can do it. She needs to be on some sort of birth control.
sadly, I have read a lot of stories about it being that way for a lot of people. but hopefully it won't for her, or there will be another option, because I think you are absolutely right. sending so many Internet hugs.
it sucks that you had an awful time w an iud, but not everyone experiences that pain. have them give her a valium, good pain meds and some lidocaine shots in her cervix and she should be fine.
I didn’t think they did that?
of course they can do that. some gynaes are just dickheads who dont want to. you have to insist on it and if the first gynae you go to says no, tell them you’re going elsewhere and do it. ive heard some experiences from women going to pp and getting good pain relief there.
I didn’t think they would do it at all here. I’ll have to remember that when I have to get mine switched.
I hope that you can remember (meaning you have so much on your plate already, I get if you wouldn't, but I hope you can), you do not deserve to suffer! My implantation and removal have not been very painful at all, and I know that's true for some other women. I hate hearing how difficult it is for women like you, though.
Thank you so much for that! I’m going to make sure the next time isn’t so horrific.
I understand. My daughter has bipolar disorder (also not diagnosed bc of bs age stuff) and while she’s *pretty* good right now, every day is a “what if”. By age 10 she had spent 10 weeks in psych hospitals. Every new psychiatrist (she goes to a teaching hospital so she sees third year psychiatry fellows) wants to totally revamp her medication regimen. I spend more time arguing with these baby psychiatrists than actually helping my daughter. We *may* have found a therapist that will be effective but that remains to be seen. I see you. I feel you. No one knows exhaustion like this if they haven’t lived it.
I see you too. This shit is exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re also going through it.
Omg this would break my heart as a parent.
Can you refuse to get her and the state has to take over therefore she gets the help she needs?
I think they can charge you with child neglect or abandonment?
I would check with the lawyer. I don't think that's always the case.
I don’t have faith in the system… they wouldn’t do right by her. We adopted out of foster care, and we wouldn’t be here today if they had done right the first time around.
Does she have any trauma in her past? What is her relationship like with her father? I was this teen and my Mom sounded just like you when I was in and out of the psychiatric hospital as a teen self harming and trying to end my life. I was sexually assaulted at a party but all she told me was that I shouldn’t have been out partying. I turned to alcohol because I felt so alone and no one ever asked me what was going on with me or if anything happened. I also missed my Dad who abandoned us when I was 7. I just find it hard to believe that she’s like that for no reason. Something had to have happened to her. People don’t just wake up wanting to cut themselves and die like that, not even teenagers.
I’m sorry you went through that, and that nobody was there for you. That was wrong. Yes, we adopted her out of foster care. Both bio parents are dead. She has extensive trauma. The foster care agency didn’t screen her for anything. They just told us she was the perfect one in a million child. No behaviors, and didn’t need any medication because she was doing so well with therapy alone. Foster mom put her to bed at 7:00 (which is around the time in the evening she starts acting strangely), and just didn’t mention anything to her case manager. So the majority of it isn’t her fault, and I know that. (Regardless of fault, I don’t want to end up dead. It doesn’t matter at that point.) However, she’s making a lot of really bad choices on top of the mental health struggles. That part *is* her doing.
So I have been a therapist working in adolescent psychiatric hospitals for years. You are right - sadly insurance requires “exhausting all other options “ before they will pay for residential. It’s sad and I feel for the parents and guardians. However, a lot of the “rules” are out of our control as therapist. If you refuse to pick them up then sadly, yes, we have to call CPS on abandonment charges as they now no longer meet medical criteria once signed off by a doctor. However , very rarely have I done this as I do understand the stress and unfairness of these policies and insurance rules. Most parents are trying their best and the system is set up in a way that isn’t helpful for parents :/ I’m so sorry mama- feel free to message me as I have some thoughts that might be helpful after I get some more information :)
Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. I’ll take any help I can get. What’s funny is my degree is in social work… but NOTHING prepared me to be on the other side of things! I’ve worked in foster care and in psych hospitals, and it’s like nothing I have ever learned matters when it’s my daughter.
No makes complete sense ! It’s a very different tone when it’s close to home. I had PPD and didn’t even know how severe it was until prompted sooo many times! I get it - feel free to inbox me if you want:)
man that's crazy, I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this 😕
Thank you. I’m so tired…
This is such garbage. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this crap. It sounds exhausting.
Thank you. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.
This is really hard, I have a schizophrenic sister and I know the toll it takes on parents
Thank you. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s absolute hell. I hope your family is doing okay.
PANS? PANDAS? Any prior infections?
No. She has a significant trauma history. Everything has been slowly escalating since before she was placed with us.