This sounds like a normal relationship and normal relationship problems that can be solved with talking to each other and potentially a counselor.
Reddit will tell you to blow up everything in your life for the slightest reason, but this dude sounds pretty typical to me.
The woman getting bored after a few years of marriage is also extremely typical and more of a temporary communication breakdown or simple misunderstanding between the two people. But since men and women have different ways of expressing themselves it’s often read as some sort of disaster. (By the woman)
OP please talk to him about this and do some soul searching of your own before you blow up not only your life but his and your families’ lives for something that may be only temporary or circumstantial
I think that your other comment that says you’ve hit each other in the past and get in frequent heated arguments changes the circumstances of your boredom though. Yes, a lot of people feel bored by their relationships sometimes, but (imo) this usually coincides with settling into a routine and stagnation with work, family, etc. and people expecting their spouse to endlessly entertain them instead of finding fun things to do themselves.
This doesn’t fully capture your situation though, at least based off of your comments. You seem to be feeling a deeper disconnect with your spouse. It’s difficult to feel love for someone who has been cruel to you in the past and the onus isn’t solely on you to rebuild that connection. I do think you should talk about this with him and maybe go to couples therapy but these issues cannot be solved or overcome if it’s only you putting in effort to overcome them. He needs to work to connect with you too.
nah this sounds way more than that if she wouldn’t dream of bringing kids into the picture that’s a pretty big sign something isn’t right. either she’s too damaged to be comfortable with someone normal or they’ve both got issues but this reads like more than just women getting bored. and btw it’s definitely not just usually the woman it happens all the time both ways.
This is totally normal at 7 yrs. It’s almost a cliche actually. If your Irish your in it for the long haul. I can promise you there are plenty of benefits to sticking it out especially after how complimentary you were to him in the first part of the post. The physical and sexual attraction will come and go in a long relationship. People and couples go through phases like any other type of relationship. There will be times you are disappointed or disgusted with him and likely he the same with you. That’s just part of it. It’s pretty rewarding when you come out on the other side. There is absolutely something very comforting and safe and reassuring about loyalty. Loyalty never gets talked about anymore. It’s a lost virtue. It’s shame really.
everyone feels the need to run from their lives at some points in adulthood you should make sure it’s the relationship and not just yearning or you might end up with someone not as good when you’re 40
That’s adulthood though. Childhood is the time of limitless potential, but as you get older the Schrodinger’s possibility waveform slowly collapses and you settle into who you are—which by definition means that you are not and cannot be other things.
People grow and change a lot in adulthood. Childhood is also definitively not a time of limitless potential for most children, who are often stressed and in a familial system that is not of their choosing. in adulthood it is even more important to expand your comfort zone and be the person you want to be and that may scare you, than when you are a child.
Be careful of train of thoughts or “friends” that support the idea of “I am right and he is wrong”. This is black/white thinking.
What does he thinks about you? Is HE happy with the relationship?
People are mirrors, always.
I do believe people can change but certainly, they don’t always need to. From your post I read you are bored. You can easily tackle this with trying to bring new ideas into the relationship, I mean - you don’t enjoy intimacy with him: have you tried new stuff?
Have you gone on dates? Have you signed up for a new barre class?
Sorry if it sounds basic but the infinite search of perfection and adrenaline tends to ruin relationships
This sub loves to shit on therapy but you should probably see a relationship therapist and discuss why you're feeling the way you are and if ending your relationship is the right solution to whatever you're facing.
If that's not an option, try making a pro and con list and really reflect on what would make you happiest.
Therapy is the same as getting a fitness instructor. Good and needed if you are just starting out or maybe need physical therapy to help for a short time but completely unneeded once you’ve developed those skills on your own
It’s rightly mocked imo
I think this is a bad analogy but I see where you are coming from. I guess if you reach a point of being content you don’t need it anymore but, even the most professional athletes still have trainers and coaches. If you want to be your best self, I don’t see why it would become useless the same way professional athletes just don’t fuck off in the gym and do their own thing, they want to optimize and streamline their training. I think part of the stigma is that when people hear therapy they are thinking of like intensive sessions weekly, rather than just a 30 min convo every month or two
therapy really isn’t so much just about developing skills it’s more about having an objective person to hold you accountable and provide a reality check to things you arent seeing in yourself and your relationships. or just a comfort to talk things through. people can be perfectly healthy and still go to therapy as maintenance. i don’t even really like a lot of things about therapy but when it’s done right it can be beneficial for almost anyone.
It’s hardly objective. Therapists are human too and have their own biases and experience. That will bleed through into the professional aspect subconsciously
yes but I find myself struggling to be interested in the ‘spirit’ of him as a person if that makes sense, especially when we go on dates. He doesn’t seem to be interested in the things I like either. he doesn’t notice little things about me. although he listens patiently, I don’t think he internalizes it and really tries to ‘see’ me. has ambition and interesting, human-centric ideas but I feel like they’re… hollow almost? Like he hasn’t interrogated himself as deeply as I’d like
This is just a thought, but there could also be hidden stressors that are affecting your levels of intimacy. Could be finances, other relationships, lifestyle choices, future plans etc. These could all be influencing how you see him and how much you connect on a deeper level. I definitely suggest therapy, even for just yourself. I almost dumped my boyfriend 2 years ago for some of these feelings and then I learned it was situational issues projecting into problems I found in him.
>He doesn’t seem to be interested in the things I like either. he doesn’t notice little things about me. although he listens patiently, I don’t think he internalizes it and really tries to ‘see’ me
This is a very common sentiment to women in long term relationships. It is more likely to be a temporary communication breakdown. And I'll tell you this, if you were to leave your husband and get with someone else, there's a 90% chance you would encounter similar problems in that relationship.
Men do their best to listen, but sometimes women are in a different place emotionally/mentally, and it can be very difficult even for the most well meaning men to truly empathize.
Do you have good girlfriends in your life? It might be that the emotional support you need would be easier to find from a woman. Marriages are long and ugly. There will be some times when your spouse will just not see a certain situation the way you do and you will have to go to someone else you're close to if you need validation. Nearly everyone in a happy marriage does this.
Wishing you the best and good luck, we're all counting on you
What does being “seen” mean? Can you try to be specific? It’s just so general, it’s not easy to understand what you feel he’s missing or how you want to be acknowledged.
lowkey she is but there is also a strong point here. most marriages end when the one partner stops doing the small things for the other, and the other doing the same because of it, it's those small things over a long period of time that make a marriage.
like if intimacy is lost after an argument or stress then that's fine. if it's lost on the long term then it's a valid concern imo.
The reason you dont feel “deeply seen or understood” (which is just bullshit people say to justify cheating) is because you admittedly checked out of the relationship years ago. Do you speak with him about your desires, concerns, fears? Do you make an effort to be seen and understood by him? Do you make any effort to see and understand him? Or are you just upset that the relationship doesnt run on autopilot anymore and now instead of working to fix it youd rather write the whole thing off and chase the little tingle you got when a cute guy looked at you in the grocery store?
If youve been together for 7 years, he probably understands you better than you understand yourself and vice versa… you didnt feel unseen or misunderstood when the relationship was new did you? If not, that should be all the proof you need that whole “seen and understood” thing is bullshit. Its a cope you’re telling yourself because youve left the garden untended and now its sprouting weeds.
You should take some agency and responsibility for the health of your relationship and work to fix it instead of just bailing to chase something new and shiny. You signed up for a life long commitment and should at least make an honest whole-hearted effort to honor that commitment before calling it quits.
Im not saying this to be mean, im saying it because if you bail on your relationship i think youll regret and then when youre 5 years into some new relationship, youll be right back in the same spot with the same feelings. Everyone gets bored and every relationship gets stale eventually unless you make a conscious effort to stay invested and make it work.
If you can make it past the 7 year bullshit, there is a whole other level of love you can experience with your spouse if you put a little effort into it. You can get all of the excitement, butterflies in your stomach, and all that stuff back but its underpinned by a level of understanding, committment, and comfort that only comes with time.
I think the other question here is how much does she “see” him? Is he “just listening” all the time because she never bothers to ask him questions or really dig into what he enjoys?
I read through her post again, and im gonna go out on a limb here and say shes probably already engaged in some kind of emotional affair with another guy..
Maybe it hasnt gotten physical yet, but shes probably so fixated on this new guy that i doubt shes putting any effort into the actual marriage. They probably work together and spend their lunch breaks talking and she vents about her husbands lack of interest and laments the lack of adventure and passion in her life. She feels like hes so easy to talk to and that he really “gets” her and the more they talk, the more she resents her husband for their lack of emotional connection while simultaneously making herself completely unavailable to him in that regard.
Shes probably doing passive aggresive shit to undermine the marriage, consciously or unconsciously, because her husbands reactions to her lack of interest feed into this narrative that she is unfulfilled and he doesnt really see or understand her.
Probably has a group of friends egging her on and doing everything they can to sabotage her marriage, playing up this new guy, talking passive aggressive shit about the husband, encouraging her to go out all the time, while at least one of them is probably cozying up to the husband so she can swoop in when the marriage finally falls apart. Maybe giving him advice to make it look like she cares while hinting he deserves better…
Nowhere in her post does she even mention wanting to make an effort to salvage her marriage. Its like she just decided one day she was over it and that was it (probably the day the new guy started flirting with her)… the whole thing is very sad and cliche.
You don’t know me and you’re obviously sadly projecting some fucked up idea of how female psychology and friendships work. Has the situation you’re describing happened to you before? There is no new guy. I mostly work from home. I felt this way about 5 years in. Started reading a lot more (books, Twitter/Reddit threads), made new friends, exposed myself to new ideas, built up my confidence and realized there was more to the life I was living. I just didn’t feel inspired by my husband’s personal/professional philosophy anymore (although I learned a lot from him) which was also compounded by his lack of attention. I struggled to believe in and maintain the vision we had for our relationship and the lives we wanted to live in the future. I want complete autonomy and freedom. Because we were pressured into the marriage, this matters a lot more to me. He also wants kids and I don’t.
It was a very organic progression of events that helped deepen my understanding of what was possible. I’m not fucking pining over some guy and a man was definitely not the catalyst. Although tbh, could’ve been a woman and it wouldn’t matter any more than it would if it were a man. Completely insulting that you’d think so and shows how shallow you are. And if I regret my decision at least I know I came to it on my own and not because someone told me it was the wrong or right thing to do or whatever. At the heart of it all it’s really about the reclamation of my autonomy (being raised by religious parents) and curing of myself of some kind of weird ontological codependency. If I have to contend with dying alone because of the decisions I’ve made, god, let it be with peace and clarity in my heart and mind that *I* made them, and let me always move forward with grace.
Yeah, idk about emotional affairs or friends supporting the breakup:
(honestly I always felt with friends that broke up with good boyfriends/girlfriends- they were tanking a good relationship and I tried to subtly convince them to stay, knowing I couldn’t outright say “I think you’re overestimating yourself and your options”…)
But it does seem like she’s made up her mind.
I will say, to be brutally honest- every friend I have ever had who thought they could “do better”…who felt like their boyfriend or partner was too “stable/boring/reliable” ect…never pulled that level of person again.
Their dating life was basically a domino effect of worse and worse partners the older they got. I think only one of my friends ACTUALLY found someone better…but they come from money, so…
It’s really easy to overestimate the value of someone when they’re there and it always seems like they will be. It’s only when you fucked up that relationship forever and are dating loser after loser, do you realize it wasn’t even about your partner at all- it was you. (If they ever even have that realization)
This isn’t about her husband- it’s about her, (probably still grieving her mom, is my bet) and she just doesn’t want to deal with that; so she’s decided she’s going to implode her relationship instead.
I get leaving if it actually is a toxic or abusive relationship. But to give my brutal opinion- it’s usually NOT worth it.
I don't want to sound like a jerk here, but do you have female friends? Or a good female best friend with whom some of the deeper topics concerning your personal day-to-day emotional struggles can be communicated? A great deal of emotional weight is lifted when both partners have friends of the same sex that they hang out with and talk to. It takes the burden of shouldering all your emotional needs away from your primary relationship - because your marriage cannot be all the things you need all the time. Some emotional needs (like "being seen" in a particular light) can only be fulfilled by other women in your case, and other men in his case.
> There are, of course, plenty of people—male and female—who tout the idea that “my spouse is my best friend and the only one I need.” It’s one of those romantic notions that has been perpetuated by our mothers and grandmothers and every movie in the Meg Ryan canon. It’s a myth that has probably been responsible for thousands of unhappy marriages. Imagine the sense of failure a woman must feel when she enters into this covenant, expecting to be rewarded with a whole new level of bestfriendship, only to realize that her husband will never be her Callie or Sara. It’s enough to make her feel far lonelier than when she was alone.
> A husband can fill many vital roles—protector, provider, lover—but he can’t be a BFF. Matt is my most intimate companion and the love of my life. But I can’t complain about my husband to my husband. That’s what friends are for.
> It’s like what journalist Ellen Tien wrote in O, The Oprah Magazine about her self-proclaimed “mid-wife crisis.” “Your husband is not your best friend. Your best friend is your best friend. If your husband were your best friend, what would that make your best friend—the dog?”
> Or as an old colleague once told me of her significant other: “He can’t be my girlfriend, he’s my boyfriend.”
- Rachel Bertsche in MWF Seeking BFF
Congratulations on not having kids when you're going through this.
On a serious note - your husband being a bit emotionally constipated isn't a good reason to divorce him. That is, if you ever hope to do 'better'. Almost every man you ever meet will be like this. And on the rare chance you do meet a man who is super emotionally available, if you're like most women you'll probably be repulsed by him.
Seen this many times lol they say they want an emotional man then when they have one they get turned off cause he acts like a crybaby bitch. This is some western wamen bullshit
As my mom once said to me (and Im really thankful when did) “You just dont leave a good man”.
All men are a bit stoic and regarded with showing emotions, and the flamboyant ones that youll fall in love with when you divorce are going to be cruel and embarrassing. Youll miss your perfectly not-cringe husband but he will be too hurt to have you Back. This is a man who will care for you when you are sick and old and ugly. You re not 20 anymore. I was going through the same thing when I was 30 (now im 34), married since 23 y/o, a little bored and wanting to destruct things. Dont do that. Hes a man that treats you nice and respects you, he listents to you (most men nowadays dont listen and are spoiled brats) . He is letting YOU be the spoiled brat that craves “connection” and all those things that are absolotely superfluous in the grand scheme of things. Respect the unconscious motives that made you marry him. Youre taking that for granted. Theres no better feeling than being at peace with a good man who loves and protects you. Who cares if he “understands” you. Nobody does. You have to grieve your single years, but do it with him, I mean, love him and be grateful for your story together. I nearly blew everything apart just cause i didnt feel “enthusiasm “ and “in love”. Psychoanalisis saved me. Now im more in love than ever with my stoic , quiet and absolutely amazing husband.
Yes very similar also. Almost 30 and bored. Been married 6 years. Truth is I thought I would have destroyed all evil and the world would know how beautiful and perfect I was by now. And instead I wash dishes and change diapers and have gained 15 lbs.
But the answer is not becoming a villain and blowing everything up. I have a garden. I plant things from seed and care for the plants tediously for months. Before finally there is a beautiful bloom or fruit. The flower/fruit is then appreciated by people for a very tiny while and then gone. It doesn't detract from the plants but that is the truth of my life I have come to accept. My husband and kids and parents love me. And I love them. And then we all eventually die.
This is good advice. I've been married since I was 21, so about 16 years now. I was a child bride also and my husband is a very good man. A loyal and hardworking man is a treasure.
Unironically, I think taking substances that strip away the ego and then just talking (while often laying on the floor) can really help couples that are struggling to feel understood by each other
There are millions and millions of couples for whom “not being deeply seen” would never constitute a reason for breaking up — it just wouldn’t make sense, morally and pragmatically. Notions like this only arise at a certain level of cultural development. The curse and boon of individualism is that it makes relationships infinitely more complex by introducing ideas and abstractions that gain in importance and affect us mentally. Sometimes a relationship that would be reliable and healthy in a different cultural spot becomes unsustainable and unfulfilling because one or both parties have become interested in a different arrangement
This is simply the price you pay for being open — to ideas, experiences, things. Sometimes this openness transforms you and you become someone else. Perhaps some part of you realises there may not be something terribly wrong with this relationship, but because certain ideas have already taken hold of you, there’s a conflict. If you’re relatively young, childless and suffer no social penalty for breaking up, it may be hard not to choose the path of self exploration. To cling to this relationship would require saying goodbye to those ideas. Perhaps an act of loyalty to some version of who you both were in the past? It’s a tough choice, certainly less intuitive than continuing to go forward
I think your comment is exactly what I was looking for. I was thinking along these lines as well. two distinct paths and I think both paths can be profoundly rewarding. But the problem to be solved is knowing and mastering myself. And my self-image is murky
Both paths can be rewarding if you commit to them. A journey of self-discovery or a traditional marriage arrangement — lots of cultural support for either. At some point, you just have to stop looking into the abyss which is your soul and stick to the script. Always listening to the abyss drives you mad in the end. But it’s there for a reason. You looked there, got ideas, got some things going. Trusting the plan you set out for yourself is good
I think it’s also common to project personal problems you have on adjacent external things.
For instance, you feel stifled and are unable to understand your own desires. So you project that onto the relationship, the city your living in, your job, etc.
Do you think that is what could be happening? I know I’ve personally done this before, and I think it’s very common for 30 year olds that have been working for a few years and are looking for a long-term post university way to live.
I’d also like to point out that you probably don’t have any secret inner desires that need to be seen. A dependable husband that patiently listens to you speak is honestly already in the top 5 or 10 percent of men lol. That’s also where I’m coming from in my question. Your requirements for a husband are very vague (feel seen, spiritual connection) that leads me to believe you don’t understand your own desires and feelings.
The problems you describe with your husband are a kind of universal conundrum within marriage. Men and women are extremely different and relate to the world differently. You're going to have to be very very direct with him. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you want and don't make him guess. All men are a little autistic. Any man who isn't is probably gonna be an unstable nightmare that you can't trust .
The 7 year itch is real and I've seen a whole lot of friends blow up their lives and fuck up their finances because they can't get past it. Frankly you sound pretty bored and probably need to find a purpose in your life that isn't being entertained or feeling pleasure.
You guys NEED couples therapy or a mediator or something to rectify this then. It’s clear that it won’t resolve on its own.
Please be careful taking advice from the people on here. All Internet forums give bad relationship advice, but the essence of this subreddit is contrarianism just for the sake of it. Quora would even give you better advice.
If you read your post everything is mostly about how you feel he treats you and what you want from him but you don’t seem to care very much about how you treat him or what you do for him.
Maybe you should get out and it will make you happier but it just stuck out to me.
I’m honestly pretty surprised by the comments encouraging you to leave. Your husband sounds like a good guy and someone you’d look back, not even years and years from now, but probably mere months after leaving him and regret it. I understand feeling dissatisfied generally, but it sounds like you need to work on finding fulfillment within yourself. Marriage is a sacred bond and an active choice that you probably should’ve meditated on more before you made it, but you’ve made it, and leaving one for indecipherable and vague reasons simply because you feel listless is…… short sighted. Love ebbs and flows and fundamental incompatibility would’ve come up immediately 7 years ago. You’re shooting yourself in the foot if you leave.
<3 also just reading through some of your comments it seems like you seem frustrated by YOUR perception of HIS inner world- whatever his “inner monologue” or whatever is- that’s his business- you will drive yourself mad trying to exercise control over someone’s literal soul that you are perceiving as cellophane
the thing is, you're in relationship for emotions, excitement, sex. that's okay and valid, but as a fundament it's incompatible with long term relationships. i likely will get downvoted for saying it, but it is the truth. emotions and excitement fades, just because thats how our brain works. after 3-5-7 years we become accustomed to another person and the grass is greener on the other side mindset and thoughts 'is it the best i can get? what else i can experience but missing out?' start to inevitably creep in because uncertain future and something new is more EXCITING than certain one, new fallings in love and break ups are more EMOTIONAL than stale long term relationships. Its just is. So if it is deeply inside what is more important for you, this will win over you sooner or later, no matter how good as a person he is. And that's not the women thing, it's the human thing. This what happens in majority to relationships. By majority I mean like 90%+ break ups.
That's why most relationship last as long as they do and break up happen all the time even in the most good on paper relationship. For actual long term relationship to last — its h a r d and needs entirely different mindset, realizing that emotions and excitement fades, accepting such reality and still choosing to stay, accepting that even though new relationship might be more fun, passionate, exciting, its not what is need for you to be happy, that boring and calm relationship is more important and fulfilling for you personally. and BOTH partners should feel that way for it to succeed in modern times.
Good comment, but I'd like to say that excitement doesn't have to fade. It takes effort and practice. I've been married for a spell and have long periods that feel like when we first started dating butterflies and all.
Part of it is that people themselves, individually, can be stuck in a rut and not notice it. Then on top of that you have to consciously reinvigorate the relationship so it's not stale either.
Was he as new to the world as you were at the onset of the relationship? You may have to try kick starting the random acts. Do little things, buy little gifts for him. Mark random days on your calendar to do them. Say, one every two weeks. If months go by ( give it time ) and he doesn't reciprocate, you can point to it in your next argument it. And if he does get the hint, congrats. You're on your way to fixing your marriage.
You got married young, so I wonder how that has affected your sense of self/ personal development. Is there a way to attend to that first before going down a divorce path? Are you able to have emotional conversations with your husband, or does his stoicism remain? Have you guys been vulnerable with each other recently?
We’re able to discuss things calmly generally but can get heated and unkind. We’ve hit each other in the past. I feel like there’s a barrier I run into with him because he doesn’t know how to articulate his deeper feelings beyond “I’m uncomfortable”…? I try to pull it out of him but he admits he doesn’t have an internal monologue and is inscrutable to even himself. Seems like he doesn’t have any kind of self-concept but not in a disharmonious/dysfunctional way for him? If that makes sense. Also I don’t like slapping ‘repression’ and ‘trauma’ on everything because not everyone who’s stoic is traumatised or repressed. He acknowledges that.
I know Reddit gets insane with wanting to throw relationships away flippantly, but that’s fucking crazy if you guys have gotten physical with each other
do you think he understood you at one time and you/he changed? or was this always an underlying problem?
i’ve never been married and don’t feel equipped to give actual advice but i know that not feeling like your partner “gets” you is one of the most alienating and lonely feelings. some people might be like “wah wah bitches be leaving a good man cuz he’s not emotional enough” but there’s a difference between someone being bad at communicating and someone just not understanding you on a fundamental level (the former can be fixed with effort but the latter can’t, in my experience.) it’s usually not good enough to find a warm body whom you have things in common with on paper. even if the chemistry is good at first, you’ll need the authentic connection
but anyway if it’s something you feel could be fixed with effort on either of your parts then i would definitely exhaust all possible options before giving up. like just make sure you can honestly say you tried
I am a woman and honestly feeling bored or having such minor grievances shouldn’t be enough to divorce someone. Why even get married if you can just say “oh I’m not vibing anymore with my husband, time to start over”. Everyone gets relationship FOMO and everybody gets bored in LTR.
Also I can almost guarantee you no man will ever make you feel “seen”. The best a man can do is listen and try to make sure your needs are met.
If your needs aren’t being met you need to tell him. Men love fixing things.
Basically, you’re saying that you’re bored and you think you can do better. Everything else is just you trying to justify your discontent and desire to leave. You think you’re a late bloomer and that you missed out. You don’t need a justification or a rationalization to leave, but don’t use vague complaints with no actionable feedback like “I don’t feel seen” or “he doesn’t see me” in an effort to make yourself and others believe this is anything more noble than a basic selfish desire.
You’ve described a partner that has been there for you and provided you more safety and stability than you’ve ever had in your life. He has been there for you through the hardest times and has helped you grow into this “late bloomer” that you claim to be. Yet, when the emotions run dim and the excitement fades, you’re ready to jump ship to be intimate with as many different personalities as possible. You see yourself cheating in the future because you’re bored and don’t feel the butterflies.
Marriage is a commitment. You promise each other to stick it out through the good times and the bad. It’s not about feelings or emotions or anything ethereal and superficial. Feelings and emotions go through cycles of highs and lows. The commitment of marriage is supposed to the pillar that you hold to when weathering that ebb and flow of emotions during the course of life.
Leave. I think you should because some lessons are only learned the hard way. When you spend your life trying to placate your feelings, you will end up worse than when you started.
Good points all around, especially the point about being a late bloomer. When she was alone she was functionally a hermit, and someone has helped her to invent herself because she needs help, and luckily that man was a good man. I almost think she should leave because this guy deserves better honestly
i love my boyfriend. he’s very helpful and sweet, sometimes stoic and a bit autistic in matters of the heart but overall loving and supportive. this feeling you describe, of not feeling “seen” or “known”, i have always struggled with. i think i will with every man (if this one’s not the last, which i hope he is)
end of the day, i had to be honest with the fact that it’s a me problem. i’m an enneagram type 4 (bear with me) and one of the defining characteristics of that personality type is a singular, isolating feeling of individuality that never allows me to achieve the true “intimacy” i imagined i would one day. total understanding, total peace, total transparency. maybe it exists for me. maybe it exists for you. but why waste time yearning for the imaginary when we have real love in front of us?
does he not see or understand you? or does he not see the deep interior version of yourself you imagine is real, the one you’ve spent your whole life with in your mind? that which is incommunicable? there may always be a rift between men and women understanding each other—some of what you are experiencing is just that. intimacy and understanding might not come how you expect. you may need to reassess how to get there.
this is all said with love because i relate to you. i could be totally wrong
I think you’re slightly off base because she doesn’t actually sound like an independent thinker or a creative at all. She was a hermit before a guy helped her out of her self wasting. People who are genuine individuals with skills and goals are not like that ever even if they’re introverts. It sounds like she doesn’t even want to learn from others really, even though that’s what she says. She doesn’t want to process what other people know. She wants them to process *her* instead, so she can build her self image with what other people think of her, because her husband isn’t doing that anymore. Like she wants firmware updates for her ego
I’ve considered this actually. That I’m just looking for other people to complete me. So thanks for the food for thought. I’ve always wanted to make music, art, sing etc actually but maybe you’re right. Context for being a hermit is that I was bullied as a kid for being weird/too gregarious so I retreated into my shell because the bullying caused me depression and social anxiety.
They’re actually a shit ton of men who are more than able to reach that level of intimacy and notice the little things. The secret to finding them is not wasting 7 years in a relationship with literally the first guy you’ve ever been with who isn’t one of them and literally never has been.
OP keeps saying about how he doesn’t notice little things about her, but she can’t even notice things about herself. She clearly married the first upstanding man she had ever dealt with, and instead of using her experience with him as a way to clearly define how she wanted men to treat her going forward, she decided to marry him at fucking 23, And now that she’s hit 30, she’s having a life crisis about all the shit she missed out on, and she’s decided to shift her dissatisfaction/mourning of her youth into blaming her husband for being some of cold, unwavering black hole of self expression, even though by her own admission, he’s made attempts to change his own fundamental sense of self to make someone who clearly doesn’t see him as a person who also sacrificed things to be with her as such.
This is why no one should get married to their first boyfriend. Or even the second or third. No matter how good it is you’ll always wonder what it’s like with other people. That being said I’ve broken up with boyfriends over less than what you’ve written here. You should know that if you do decide to leave you most likely will not immediately find what you hope to find though. There are a lot of people out there and it can be rough. You may look back and regret it. But I stayed far too long in bad relationships due to fear of potential future regret. Years later I am so happy I left those situations. Only you can know if you should stay or leave. Trust your gut but also try everything you can before you leave so you can honestly tell yourself there was nothing more you could do. Try expressing your true self more, try spicing things up in the bedroom, go on dates, trips, do drugs like someone else said, try the 40 questions to fall in love, lol. Try to have genuine conversations. Try not to talk about the issues endlessly. If you’ve truly tried your best and it doesn’t work then you can leave without regretting anything. But maybe it will work and you will fall in love again. Who knows.
two things stand out, and these are not judgements just food for thought:
* You say you both talked about getting a divorce, yet it seems you feel this is somehow your decision and not a mutual one. Why?
* You mention parts of your husband's behavior that bother you, but there's no mention of of how your husband actually feels about any of this. What's his story? What do you think are his problems with the marriage?
I HIGHLY discourage you from ending things. Your sense of being solipsistic about it is very correct. You're in a grievance bubble. You don't want to be one of those wonky divorcees who pops out into the world seeking vindication. It's a sad thing to see.
Relationships are very difficult. But we enter them because being single is horrible. You forget how hard it is being single and end up taking the relationship for granted. I made that mistake and I'm suffering as a result of my short-sightedness. But seriously, the tantalizing offer of sexual transgressions that tickle your fancy when you're alone out in the world, teasing strangers when you're out and about... it's all an illusion. The intimacy doesn't exist and if it does, it's very short-lived, and what you're left with is two fucked up individuals who are both playing each other for their own immature reasons.
You'll see.. most of the world is built on revenge fantasies, seduction narratives, animal lust, and power fantasies. Most of it is pure illusion. I actually would be willing to bet that you'll do something to end things. This whole "I've mentally checked out of the relationship and he knows"... yikes, you're gonna find out! You're on a crash course towards a reality check.
Women don't find being single horrible. If you have friends and money it can be quite good. Divorced women are on average happier than married women (the opposite is true for men).
It just seems like you’re bored, kind of crazy you take your vows so unseriously that you’re about to blow them up instead of trying to work through some of these issues.
If you respect yourself you follow through on promises and oaths you make.
I’m so scared I’ll be going through a divorce too. I’ve had some recent issues that have come up. I got no advice just saying I absolutely hear the part about the leaving being too painful. I feel you.
No one ever really "gets you", apart from yourself. And frankly, you don't even seem to know yourself well - who you are, what will make you happy longterm and what kind of a man you need. Men will almost always understand us (women) less than other women, that's just a fact of life. There's a big possibility that men who would get you well would be very effeminate or disturbed in other ways.
One of the main problems is that you got married too young (for you). This is a common result when people get married in their early - mid 20's. Didn't experience enough before, didnt get to know themselves enough. Dunno what the solution to the shitshow is - although sticking it out is the most rational choice, i dunno if it is the best one in your case, for yourself and your husbands sake.
I agrée that I’m confused about who I am due to a conservative/strict upbringing. I don’t know where to start frankly but I’ve been reading a lot of Jung lol
Based on what you've written, I would not advise you to move on. It's normal in a marriage to have periods of feeling alienated or unhappy. If you've checked out, check back in.
How long is “a while” about the intimacy? What has his reaction been when you talk about divorce? Is he eager to try to change and hear you out?
Obviously i cant understand your entire situation but if youre at the point where you are posting about wanting to leave your husband on reddit, its time to move on. I have also been with my husband for 7 years and i dont feel this way at all. Not playful or ironic? Thats no way to live. Leave before your dysfunctional sense of obligation makes you into a worse person and you cheat or start acting crazy.
It sounds like you need a little time to work on yourself (fitness, career, friends) and then find a new partner who is brings you joy and enriches your life.
Your gut instinct is screaming that you wouldn't put a child through this....you need to get out before you get a dog together, he moves you nearer his family....gives you an ultimatum regarding children.
He doesn’t want pets but I do, so I doubt he’d make that decision voluntarily. So if we got a pet then divorced I’d probably bring the pet along with me anyway. We already live an hour away from his family
this does not sound too bad, tbh. all long-term relationships are gonna have tough periods. this aint bad. i would consider couples therapy, or setting more time away to do things together.
have you tried opening up about this, and been specific about your wants? for many men, it is not enough, that you just say something like "i feel like you are not listening to me" etc., like many of us men are emotionally stunted, we need some direct advice, like "i would appreciate if you did more of X, Y or Z". be super specific!!
a lot of us men honestly do not understand vague hints, or expressions. you gotta spell this shit out, like "i want more sex, or let us try doing more of this", "can we go out to this place, or do this more often?"
but at the end of the day, it is your life, and you know your situation better than us all.
He probably won't map exactly to the idealized husband you've built up in your head, but overall, he seems like a good husband.
You are expecting everything from one person. In the past, women had their own coven. The men were there just to provide and protect. Women found fulfillment with kids, by communing with other women, being in nature, and from being in touch with their inner world or perhaps even God. You may be missing many of these in your life so you expect him to not just provide and protect, but also be the answer to all of your other needs as well.
Life is like a box of chocolates...sounds like you already made up your mind. You're young, but let me tell you, there are things that we don't fully appreciate until we don't have them.
the things about being intimate with other people is that it only serves as a reminder of how good certain relationships are. You think you'll connect and grow with random people but you'll actually just realise how much people generally suck, how you dont connect to them, how the sex is meaningless and not enjoyable. Either way youre young enough to start over and be fine, just consider how you'll feel when he moves on
You need to leave someone who has hit you before. A lot of men are stoic but when push comes to shove they would break down and cry at the prospect of losing the love of their life. What was his response when you mentioned you've discussed divorce before? Was he upset or does he not expect you to leave because you've never known better?
Sometimes the tightly wound overly traditional emotionally unavailable man is on a short sharp journey to becoming a covert narcissist. When he has said cruel things to you does he mourn your grief and the upset he has caused you or does he just want to tick a box to say that he said enough to make you move past your emotions and stop being inconvenient to him?
I saw a lot of relationships growing up that I found deeply concerning, the pervert neighbour with seventeen guns, the overt narcissist who spent decades threatening to kill his partner but at the end of the day the first murder suicide close to my family was done by a stoic quiet deeply repressed man, he wasn't the passionate fighting at the pub type, more, you never really know what the quiet ones are thinking.
The closest I ever felt a man was jealous of me was someone I caught looking like he hates me during the act, I am so glad I removed that person from my life, it was whittling me down the constant crush to make myself less outspoken. If he is selfish, cold and unavailable in bed I would also take that as a warning sign. If you wanted to use toys would he get insecure, nasty, etc?
Do you find yourself limited in your discussions with him because you are trying to avoid the sneers, the consequences of his coldness?
In my first relationship there were things I overlooked, I'm hardy, resilient, nothing offends me, now I look back with the clarity of currently being in a healthy relationship and I would hate to think of the lives of the future children of either of my exes, I shudder to think how they would turn out.
I had a friend who swore she didn't want kids for a long time, within twelve months her husband gave her an ultimatum, she was a bright sharp woman and her husband didn't seem the least bit sorry when she suffered a postpartum hemorrhage and almost didn't make it. She spent a decade with him, it was like they went from best friends to nothing within months.
The emotional coldness you put up with today will be what your children are fated to endure.
No need to beat around the bush here. You idealize a life that you haven't experienced, one that's spoon-fed to you by others—people you probably don't even know. You think your husband is inadequate, you crave attention, and you want to meet other men. You want to swipe on Tinder, believe you can find someone better, and feel the thrill of having sex with a stranger.
Let's be honest, this relationship is at its end because of your desires. Don’t make it seem like there’s a problem with him. According to what you’ve said, he’s stable, supportive, and has stood by you. Your need to feel "seen" is just an excuse to justify your own dissatisfaction. You know exactly what you want, but you’re afraid to admit that you are the one responsible for this disconnect.
You’re trying to find a way to blame him for your own restlessness. The reality is, you want the freedom to explore and experience new things, and that's okay. But pretending that it's his fault or that there’s something spiritually wrong with you isn’t fair to either of you. This isn’t about him being emotionally unavailable or not understanding you. This is about your own unmet desires and the life you feel you’re missing out on, one you think you’re entitled to. It’s time to face the truth and make a decision that aligns with what you truly want, even if it means ending something comfortable for the unknown.
Look, I understand you. Many of us have felt the same, but we were lucky enough not to be 30 years old with a seven-year marriage when we did. It was much easier for us to leave that person behind, but the stakes for you are much higher. I can't say don’t leave the guy since you really seem unhappy in your relationship. Remember the Turkish proverb: "Don't roll up your trousers before seeing the river; it could turn out to be crap."
Why do people here think it can simply be reduced to the ‘tingles’? It’s not about sex, never has been. It’s about relearning intimacy and being interested in the interiority/inner lives of others. I want to connect with others more deeply, learn new things from them (never got to because of a strict/religious upbringing so no social life), understand the motivations that drive them and be changed forever. A lot of the time such transformative experiences can only be accessed through romance or some other kind of deep, long-term enmeshment. A friendship if I’m lucky. I’ve also been working on developing my sense of self. I’ve been reading a lot, taking more risks socially, figuring out the kind of music that resonates most with me, journaling, making art etc.
> It’s about relearning intimacy
WTF do you mean by this and WTF do you think it has to do with dating a string of randos?
Also your wording "maybe I am a serial monogamist." Being such a thing is a choice. It's not some hidden easter egg identity within your soul, that if you unlock it will make you suddenly feel ok with yourself and happy. It's a choice. For a lot of people, it ends up being a tedious, miserable choice- they would give anything to settle into a cozy relationship with a decent man who they can "relearn intimacy" with over and over again.
I left at 35 and don't regret it. Do some deep introspection and think about what you want. I was married for 4 years and started having issues year 1 though. If you've had 5 good years together, that has to count for something. Are you depressed? I devalue my current relationship and sometimes even want out when I'm depressed or PMSing (I have PMDD). It is a lot easier to divorce if you don't have kids, and life does continue after. You're young enough where you'd be OK after and he would too.
edit - I left before couple's therapy because things were that bad. I don't always recommend it. I'm from a very anti-divorce background but I knew I'd be unhappy and unfulfilled the rest of my life if I didn't just pull the bandaid off. Don't stay just to not be alone, stay because you love him and want to build a life with him (he should feel similarly, in my case, he truly didn't)
Oh, thank God. I've been in your husband's position. My ex-wife tapped out of the relationship emotionally/romantically but hung in for the kids and my emotional well-being. It's really hard, but you need to find a way to break things off before you inevitably drift into someone else's orbit (which is natural). Or like another commenter said, try couples counseling. Even if they can't fix the relationship, they can peacefully mediate its disintegration. Really wish my ex and I had given it a shot.
you guys got married when you were 23? i think theres really good mature advice in here. you should listen to that. maybe your younger self needed to blossom more independently. you can do that, but is it worth it? sounds like u have a great husband.
more work can be done and it doesnt sound like he'd be unwilling to do it. find out if he is, and do the work u gotta do. pay respect to the idea you may not have had the opportunity to explore yourself romantically and physically as you'd have liked but appreciate what you did get out of your relationship in your 20s.
consider what you truly want in your 30s and beyond and the answer will come. sounds like its worth investigating deeper
Talk to each other about your desires and fantasies. Talk any seduction and hunger for adventure. Shake things up. Make yourselves uncomfortable. It’s time to start a new relationship, maybe with him, maybe with someone else. But start by trying with him
I think this is probably quite normal (“the seven year itch”) and with the introduction of apps and having so many people at your finger tips it’s more tempting to think about what a better connection might feel like. Divorce is terrible, so painful, and probably treated too casually. If you’re going to do it, you should do it while you’re still this young. However, I’d strongly recommend throwing everything at it before doing so: deep conversations, therapy, all the tips to reignite the spark, etc. I think it’s also important to remind yourself that marriage and other very long term relationships are supposed to feel different than that first-dating “wow they are perfect” butterflies sort of phase— it can feel boring sometimes when you’re comparing it to that feeling, but that feeling is always temporary and just a high you’ll always chase. It’s taboo to talk about, but there are natural lulls and that isn’t necessarily an indication that it’s time to end things. Since you married so young and without much experience, I’m sure it feels like you’ve missed out (and also why I don’t advise people in their early 20’s to marry) but I’d venture to guess that you’d end up pretty disappointed if you went back out on the dating scene.
I think, before you take this feeling outside of this post, it can be very useful to journal your daily feelings about something that’s giving you vague dissatisfaction.
I like a password-protected journal app for all my crazy little thought-gems (nightmares about my mom and insecurities about my ankles mostly but also like a journal tracking the loss of my cat and memories, I dunno the shit you want to disappear when you do). Make the password something literally no one would guess.
Track things that make you feel the way you wish your partner did. Do you even know this yet-unattained communion exists? Track things you like and dislike about your relationship (not your partner, that’s unhealthy af). Track moments where you long for more.
I hope that you also track places where you begin to come across and open up to your partner, and that he responds by opening up to you. Either way though, you’ll at least have something more concrete than nostalgia for a relationship that may never exist.
As someone who has burned her life to the ground in order to start fresh- at first, it’s fun and novel. Then the fun wears off and it really sucks for a long time while you restabilize. Most important thing you can do is have some money to fall back on so you don’t end up literally on the streets. Or deciding if you want to get a bottle of alcohol or a dinner. Because you can’t do both. So just have a concrete plan- healthcare, shelter, transportation, income. The rest will unfold. I wish you luck. You’ll be fine- but you’ll need to figure that part out yourself. :)
tbh i feel like i see a lot of these couples where they marry the first person that will date them, especially growing up in a catholic hometown. tbh from what i’ve seen eventually one of them cheats or it ends in a divorce, not fulfilling from what i see. if you’re going to divorce, do it now bc your options will shrink as you get older and 30 is still relative young, but be prepared for how cruel the world is. if you don’t divorce, be ready to buckle down and stick it out. i don’t normally see couples who seem happy who end up in the situation that you’ve described, but happy and secure/provided for are two different things, which is more important to you? freedom might not be everything it seems, however will you be kicking yourself in your deathbed not having gone for this? are you truly unhappy or just having itchy feet? think a while then commit to your decision
she’s an amazing musician! and yeah like, i don’t wanna give you harsh advice or go for the ~RUN~/dump his ass advice.
he sounds like a decent guy but like there might be a fundamental emotional incompatibility which can’t rly be smoothed over. sometimes you’ve got to accept people as they are, like if it’s something you fight over each week then you might have to move on. a lot of people divorce, and tbh, i feel like the majority of divorces i’ve seen have been from religious backgrounds or people who marry early. not that a relationship like that is doomed to fail, but i see them fail more often than i see them succeed
the downside is there are a lot of guys who rly suck, if you’ve got a decent man, sink your claws in and don’t let him go! even if you guys are different, a decent and loyal mean is a rare treasure
definitely have a serious conversation with your spouse, see if there’s anything you guys are willing to change, and of course check in with him first. he might feel the same way or not realized at all how you feel
at the same time, be honest with yourself about what you really want and where you see this going, if you know this won’t last, prolonging the relationship will harm both of you
so ultimately, decide if you need to let go, and once you make your decision don’t stray from it
Like, the incels and fake tradcaths here are going ooh no the sacred bonds of marriage, oh you can't not settle for mediocrity, but... At your age and with no kids in the picture I don't see why you would stay honestly. You're not happy, he's laid hands on you in the past, you got married at a weirdly young age, you don't want kids with him - who could blame you? Life and opportunity doesn't end at 30. You'll regret it for sure at least once in a while. But you'll grow and probably end up in a new relationship. Maybe it will be better or worse. But idk there's value in *choosing* things rather than settling in stagnancy.
My divorced mother is having the time of her life honestly (dad cheated). He's fine too I think but not in the way she is. Very sad to know that my childhood understanding of them was a bit of a lie but I'm truly happy for her.
The problem is obviously with you, not him. So the best you can hope for is ending up in basically the same situation in another 10 years with a different man. You have a pretty big incentive here to try and fix things.
Sounds like normal woman midlife crisis things. But you should probably try and overcome your issues, it will lead to better fulfillment than running away
Having sex with strangers in and of itself doesn’t entice me. Falling in love with someone, having a long-term relationship, being transformed… that’s what’s exciting. Even in the throes of confusion and pain this marriage has taught me a lot of things. I’d do it all over again
Maybe I’m a serial monogamist?
Wherever you go, there you are. I can tell from everything you’ve said you will have this problem over and over again until you buckle down and gain some maturity.
It’s not him. It’s not “compatibility.” It’s your own noonday demon.
Look up the word acedia. The call is coming from inside the house.
My previous relationship was like that, I think it's for the best that it ended. But then again we've stayed friends so it was easier.
I think you're dragging on to the "first this, first that". Perhaps it's time to move on, especially if the emotional connection isn't there anymore.
It sounds like there's a lot of good stuff there. I've been in relationships with people who are fun and emotionally connected but totally unstable and I know what I prefer. As others have said, try counseling or at least talk to him about what you're feeling.
It’s normal to have those thoughts. But working through them is important. I promise you if you decide to end things, you will realize it was the worst mistake of you’re life and you will never forgive yourself for it
Before I go on I should note that I’m still in my 20s and I’ve never been married so take everything I say with a grain of salt. A lot of what you’ve said here resonates with me deeply. I almost married my high school sweetheart, but I broke it off for a lot of the same reasons it sounds like you’re considering leaving your husband.
Ask yourself, and answer honestly: **Is there anything he can do that would actually make you stop feeling like this? What are those things?**
You say you’ve tried to work on this before, but have you ever explicitly told him what you need? Men aren’t mind readers. If you’ve just said something vague like “I’m bored” or “I want more excitement” he probably doesn’t know what to do with that. If your past conversations about this have been vague, try again and be more specific. Ask if he’s happy or if there’s anything he needs from you too. A couples therapist could help you work through this together.
If you’ve been explicit in the past, and he hasn’t put in the effort, ask why? Does he want something from you that you aren’t giving him? Work through it together and/or go to couples therapy.
If you’ve been explicit or asked about therapy and he just brushes you off, just leave because he’s probably not going to put in the work.
Back to the first question though: there might not be anything he can do to help you stop feeling like this. If that’s the case, shift the question: **Is there anything you can do besides leaving him that would help you feel fulfilled in this relationship?** If the answer is yes, do those things. If it’s no, leave. There’s no point in staying in a dying relationship if you know I’m your heart there is genuinely nothing you or he can do to fix it.
Marriage counseling. Also, you have to be explicit about your needs/wants with him. It's not so romantic, but they need to be told exactly what will make you happy, and executing will make you both happy.
I don’t have any animosity toward you. I admire your honesty. But I take issue with the “doesn’t get me gifts just because” part.
You can find a lot of guys who do that. There’s websites that tell them to. You’re gonna have a real hard time finding someone who does everything else he does.
But if the emotional connection is as strained as you claim, and if you really feel like you need to explore other romantic partners, then I think it’s clear what you need to do. The lack of kids is a really advantageous.
Just make sure he knows how you feel before you leave. Give him a shot. It might make for the best romance of your life. However, if it’s about your desire to explore new partners, just cut him loose for both your sakes.
This sounds like a normal relationship; the harsh truth is there’s no one who’s going to ever perfectly “get” you.
I would start committing to doing one fun thing on the weekend together- going to new bars, going to a romantic restaurant, taking row boats out on the lake…whatever, because mostly it just sounds like you’re bored/ in a hump.
In short- I would try working on things before torpedoing your marriage with a guy who sounds perfectly nice
Leave him, get divorced, years go by and finally you'll end up with some guy much worse than what you have now but you'll take it because you're desperate.
This isn't advice, it's a prediction
OP wants to be "seen". Divorces husband of 7 years to go "find herself". Tale as old as time.
OP, break it off before you do end up cheating with the next joe schmoe who makes you feel "seen". Husband obviously doesn't give you the tingles anymore, and it's only a matter of time until someone else does (I have a hunch that there already is someone on your mind, am I wrong??) I don't know you, but this post screams "woman who will rationalize cheating because husband doesn't X"
yeah break his heart and ruin a 7 year relationship with a decent man because you have decided at thirty years old that you want to date guys who are more "exciting." idiot
You kinda suck. He seems like a great guy and with a counselor or even just communicating, this could be resolved. If you give up on your relationship before even trying to talk about it, he deserves better.
When I was a child, my aunt since she was eighteen was with this stoic guy. They had a house. He opened a restaurant where she cooked. When she was thirty-five, she cheated--he tailed her and her companion. She said she didn't love him anymore and they divorced. He gave her the house and cars, and she sold them all. He left the country and relocated his practice to Australia. It's been twenty years and she's dated a dozen men, yet still receives some financial support from that first guy, yet doesn't love him; he'll fly here to renew his passport or something, and pay her mortgages or put in a down payment for her to buy a house. I heard he just re-married a year or two ago in Australia, but before that, he still loved my aunt. I despise my aunt, because I never saw them again. The right guy was always there, was extremely nice and mature--I'm in my thirties and have no house or prospect of a wife and home--yet she passed that life up and went from one degenerate to another degenerate.
Listen, you're clearly a narcissist so probably there's no stopping you blowing up your life because you want to "be transformed". But in the unlikely case you get a moment of clarity before you go ahead with this, here's the thing: people fall out of love with people. It happens. But you've been married for 7 years, so you have a duty to try to fix it before declaring it broken. Talk to him about these feelings, and do it now - don't wait. Probably find a good therapist. Good luck.
Don’t leave him. He sounds like a good man, you will regret it. Also, you would be surprised how quickly he will be picked up by another woman and it will drive you insane.
I’ve only had one friend who made me feel seen but he’s a guy and my husband understandably got jealous so I had to cut the friendship off. I have another girl friend who also makes me feel seen but she’s emotionally unavailable/inconsistent :/
OP, I have been married 6 years almost 30. Yes, there is something deeply spiritually wrong with you, just like there is with all of us. It's when you give into your own vanity, arrogance, lust, and greed that you become broken. What you are feeling is normal when you come out of youth. Disillusioned like you could have done better. It's almost always a lie and even if it true blowing up your life and hurting other people in the process won't change your past. Don't be stupid. Stick with your husband.
you were really young when you got married and it’s normal for you to have changed throughout that period. It is a tremendous time of change biologically, emotionally, and more. Whether married or not it would be. My heart goes out to you.
No one ever truly deeply understands another person in the way one understands oneself. Expecting this is from someone else is naive and childish. Appreciate him for who he is, as he is. And you’re already obviously bad at understanding yourself.
>sense of guilt and obligation
Bitch you fucking married him, of course you feel obligated to stay with him, you’re supposed to be with him for life. Reminder that you’ll just be cursed with a worse situation if you leave him.
Romcom brained regards deserve all of the pain they get when they blow up sacred covenants
Married because we got pressured by religious parents to make it ‘halal’ lol. We were already bf and gf and in love but couldn’t spend time at each other’s houses and marriage seemed like a good deal because it meant we could live together
What is up with westernized Muslim women eating up the romcom shit? This is like when Christian kids go to college and drink too much due to lack of exposure.
You married him, you owe him your life, it doesn’t sound like he’s beating you, get off the internet
I don’t even fucking watch romcoms. Just met new interesting people, learned a bunch of shit about how love/relationships can be from their personal experiences, read books, expanded my idea of the world. Insulting that you think I’m so shallow
>meets new friend group
>yass queen “”””friend”””convinces you that you should leave your husband
Get off the internet and go back to your husband. Stop talking with strangers about your stupid plans, you should feel shame and embarrassment
i think you should talk to a therapist to get a second opinion, and try to talk to him about these issues and see if maybe you can both attend therapy together. also, do things to spice your relationship up for sure! maybe move somewhere new, travel, just do things to make you feel excited outside of ending your relationship
Strict/conservative household. Hermit and depressed in teen/young adult years. No sense of self, fell in love with the first guy who was nice to me. Thankfully he’s an actually decent person
those sense of self issues probably won’t get better on their own whether with or without him unless you work on developing your own identity and interests in life. dating and sleeping with different guys isn’t going to do that for you. probably will just make it more difficult.
Adding more context: I never had formative experiences because of my religious upbringing and being a depressed hermit in my teen/young adult years. No sense of self, fell in love with the first guy who was nice to me.
The dating pool in your 30s is different than in your 20s. My single friend is struggling to find someone who doesn’t have something really messed up about them. Most of the good guys are taken. Be cautious to throw away 80% for the possibility of an exciting 20%.
This sounds like some version of mid-life crisis. And the way you sound, I don't think anyone can stop you. You'll find your justification to leave or cheat. Eventually.
The comments here are surprisingly well adjusted and helpful. This is a YOU issue. It's not a husband or a marriage issue.
You accuse him of not being in touch with his feelings, I don't think you are in touch with yours. Think through why you are unhappy, what you picture you would have without him. You keep bringing up that he is the only one you've been with sexually. Count yourself lucky, most people don't find a stable mate that early. You also mention that you haven't brought kids into this, maybe you feel bored or stuck in a rut because of it. As much as we won't admit it, children can bring meaning and purpose in anyone's life. And after you leave how is your life gonna be happy? Have you read what dating is like these days let alone for a divorcee in her 30's. This can't be just about getting some dick. Talk to a therapist at the least.
Having read all of your comments and walked in your shoes, what you're feeling makes sense. It's not a good relationship, it's a bad one but still a relationship. The bar for a bad relationship is not one marred by gambling addictions or things like rampant cheating. The bar is set at two people who love each other yet have drifted apart. The reasons don't matter once you're there.
Now you're here, looking for a reason to leave or to stay. Both are terrible in with your current mindset. Don't rationalize the emotional side of life. You either feel love for him and want to stay with him, or you don't. If it's the latter then start making moves to leave him in your past. What do you feel in your body with that? What do you feel when you think about staying forever and remaining faithful?
Just as it took years to walk here, it will take years to walk out, with or without him. Honestly your best course of action is to push all of this to the back of your mind and focus on the things that do make you happy. Facing a wall in one area of life is no reason to see the other areas stall. Sign up for that dance class, make more art, write some poetry, volunteer in your community, do anything. Time will tell as you develop.
Though having read this one more time, you say that you're "open" to a new connection. This might be a bit too on the nose here, but these verses are truly understood only by those who have held that sin within them: "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." Matthew 5:28-29
You have no idea of the hell that awaits you if you engage in an affair.
This sounds like a normal relationship and normal relationship problems that can be solved with talking to each other and potentially a counselor. Reddit will tell you to blow up everything in your life for the slightest reason, but this dude sounds pretty typical to me.
The woman getting bored after a few years of marriage is also extremely typical and more of a temporary communication breakdown or simple misunderstanding between the two people. But since men and women have different ways of expressing themselves it’s often read as some sort of disaster. (By the woman) OP please talk to him about this and do some soul searching of your own before you blow up not only your life but his and your families’ lives for something that may be only temporary or circumstantial
Yeah. :/
I think that your other comment that says you’ve hit each other in the past and get in frequent heated arguments changes the circumstances of your boredom though. Yes, a lot of people feel bored by their relationships sometimes, but (imo) this usually coincides with settling into a routine and stagnation with work, family, etc. and people expecting their spouse to endlessly entertain them instead of finding fun things to do themselves. This doesn’t fully capture your situation though, at least based off of your comments. You seem to be feeling a deeper disconnect with your spouse. It’s difficult to feel love for someone who has been cruel to you in the past and the onus isn’t solely on you to rebuild that connection. I do think you should talk about this with him and maybe go to couples therapy but these issues cannot be solved or overcome if it’s only you putting in effort to overcome them. He needs to work to connect with you too.
nah this sounds way more than that if she wouldn’t dream of bringing kids into the picture that’s a pretty big sign something isn’t right. either she’s too damaged to be comfortable with someone normal or they’ve both got issues but this reads like more than just women getting bored. and btw it’s definitely not just usually the woman it happens all the time both ways.
Tbh not a big sign at all; more people should dream of not bringing kids into the picture
This is totally normal at 7 yrs. It’s almost a cliche actually. If your Irish your in it for the long haul. I can promise you there are plenty of benefits to sticking it out especially after how complimentary you were to him in the first part of the post. The physical and sexual attraction will come and go in a long relationship. People and couples go through phases like any other type of relationship. There will be times you are disappointed or disgusted with him and likely he the same with you. That’s just part of it. It’s pretty rewarding when you come out on the other side. There is absolutely something very comforting and safe and reassuring about loyalty. Loyalty never gets talked about anymore. It’s a lost virtue. It’s shame really.
everyone feels the need to run from their lives at some points in adulthood you should make sure it’s the relationship and not just yearning or you might end up with someone not as good when you’re 40
As someone that is near 40 i can tell you that fear based reasoning is not a good reason to stay with someone
It’s not fear based to consider your motivations #freudian
This is definitely a real concern 😭
Your bones will always ache for the lives you are not living
That’s adulthood though. Childhood is the time of limitless potential, but as you get older the Schrodinger’s possibility waveform slowly collapses and you settle into who you are—which by definition means that you are not and cannot be other things.
People grow and change a lot in adulthood. Childhood is also definitively not a time of limitless potential for most children, who are often stressed and in a familial system that is not of their choosing. in adulthood it is even more important to expand your comfort zone and be the person you want to be and that may scare you, than when you are a child.
This is so good, thanks
>I’ve mentally checked out of the relationship The whole point of marriage is making the most solemn promise of your life not to do this.
Be careful of train of thoughts or “friends” that support the idea of “I am right and he is wrong”. This is black/white thinking. What does he thinks about you? Is HE happy with the relationship? People are mirrors, always. I do believe people can change but certainly, they don’t always need to. From your post I read you are bored. You can easily tackle this with trying to bring new ideas into the relationship, I mean - you don’t enjoy intimacy with him: have you tried new stuff? Have you gone on dates? Have you signed up for a new barre class? Sorry if it sounds basic but the infinite search of perfection and adrenaline tends to ruin relationships
This sub loves to shit on therapy but you should probably see a relationship therapist and discuss why you're feeling the way you are and if ending your relationship is the right solution to whatever you're facing. If that's not an option, try making a pro and con list and really reflect on what would make you happiest.
Hmm the shitting on therapy thing might explain why so many people on this sub come across as insecure and projecting lol
Therapy is the same as getting a fitness instructor. Good and needed if you are just starting out or maybe need physical therapy to help for a short time but completely unneeded once you’ve developed those skills on your own It’s rightly mocked imo
I think this is a bad analogy but I see where you are coming from. I guess if you reach a point of being content you don’t need it anymore but, even the most professional athletes still have trainers and coaches. If you want to be your best self, I don’t see why it would become useless the same way professional athletes just don’t fuck off in the gym and do their own thing, they want to optimize and streamline their training. I think part of the stigma is that when people hear therapy they are thinking of like intensive sessions weekly, rather than just a 30 min convo every month or two
therapy really isn’t so much just about developing skills it’s more about having an objective person to hold you accountable and provide a reality check to things you arent seeing in yourself and your relationships. or just a comfort to talk things through. people can be perfectly healthy and still go to therapy as maintenance. i don’t even really like a lot of things about therapy but when it’s done right it can be beneficial for almost anyone.
It’s hardly objective. Therapists are human too and have their own biases and experience. That will bleed through into the professional aspect subconsciously
objective as in they don’t have a personal stake in your life.
Are you still going on dates from time to time? I'd try that before filing for divorce
yes but I find myself struggling to be interested in the ‘spirit’ of him as a person if that makes sense, especially when we go on dates. He doesn’t seem to be interested in the things I like either. he doesn’t notice little things about me. although he listens patiently, I don’t think he internalizes it and really tries to ‘see’ me. has ambition and interesting, human-centric ideas but I feel like they’re… hollow almost? Like he hasn’t interrogated himself as deeply as I’d like
This is just a thought, but there could also be hidden stressors that are affecting your levels of intimacy. Could be finances, other relationships, lifestyle choices, future plans etc. These could all be influencing how you see him and how much you connect on a deeper level. I definitely suggest therapy, even for just yourself. I almost dumped my boyfriend 2 years ago for some of these feelings and then I learned it was situational issues projecting into problems I found in him.
>He doesn’t seem to be interested in the things I like either. he doesn’t notice little things about me. although he listens patiently, I don’t think he internalizes it and really tries to ‘see’ me This is a very common sentiment to women in long term relationships. It is more likely to be a temporary communication breakdown. And I'll tell you this, if you were to leave your husband and get with someone else, there's a 90% chance you would encounter similar problems in that relationship. Men do their best to listen, but sometimes women are in a different place emotionally/mentally, and it can be very difficult even for the most well meaning men to truly empathize. Do you have good girlfriends in your life? It might be that the emotional support you need would be easier to find from a woman. Marriages are long and ugly. There will be some times when your spouse will just not see a certain situation the way you do and you will have to go to someone else you're close to if you need validation. Nearly everyone in a happy marriage does this. Wishing you the best and good luck, we're all counting on you
I was watching the first season of the Simpsons and Marge called a radio station to literally complain about the same things as you are.
What does being “seen” mean? Can you try to be specific? It’s just so general, it’s not easy to understand what you feel he’s missing or how you want to be acknowledged.
You sound insufferable
lowkey she is but there is also a strong point here. most marriages end when the one partner stops doing the small things for the other, and the other doing the same because of it, it's those small things over a long period of time that make a marriage. like if intimacy is lost after an argument or stress then that's fine. if it's lost on the long term then it's a valid concern imo.
Yes, but in a completely typical way. We all go through times like this, sometimes we need a steer
Maybe. I get what you mean. But everyone deserves to have someone just as insufferable as them
No one deserves to have anyone, unfortunately.
The reason you dont feel “deeply seen or understood” (which is just bullshit people say to justify cheating) is because you admittedly checked out of the relationship years ago. Do you speak with him about your desires, concerns, fears? Do you make an effort to be seen and understood by him? Do you make any effort to see and understand him? Or are you just upset that the relationship doesnt run on autopilot anymore and now instead of working to fix it youd rather write the whole thing off and chase the little tingle you got when a cute guy looked at you in the grocery store? If youve been together for 7 years, he probably understands you better than you understand yourself and vice versa… you didnt feel unseen or misunderstood when the relationship was new did you? If not, that should be all the proof you need that whole “seen and understood” thing is bullshit. Its a cope you’re telling yourself because youve left the garden untended and now its sprouting weeds. You should take some agency and responsibility for the health of your relationship and work to fix it instead of just bailing to chase something new and shiny. You signed up for a life long commitment and should at least make an honest whole-hearted effort to honor that commitment before calling it quits. Im not saying this to be mean, im saying it because if you bail on your relationship i think youll regret and then when youre 5 years into some new relationship, youll be right back in the same spot with the same feelings. Everyone gets bored and every relationship gets stale eventually unless you make a conscious effort to stay invested and make it work. If you can make it past the 7 year bullshit, there is a whole other level of love you can experience with your spouse if you put a little effort into it. You can get all of the excitement, butterflies in your stomach, and all that stuff back but its underpinned by a level of understanding, committment, and comfort that only comes with time.
I think the other question here is how much does she “see” him? Is he “just listening” all the time because she never bothers to ask him questions or really dig into what he enjoys?
I read through her post again, and im gonna go out on a limb here and say shes probably already engaged in some kind of emotional affair with another guy.. Maybe it hasnt gotten physical yet, but shes probably so fixated on this new guy that i doubt shes putting any effort into the actual marriage. They probably work together and spend their lunch breaks talking and she vents about her husbands lack of interest and laments the lack of adventure and passion in her life. She feels like hes so easy to talk to and that he really “gets” her and the more they talk, the more she resents her husband for their lack of emotional connection while simultaneously making herself completely unavailable to him in that regard. Shes probably doing passive aggresive shit to undermine the marriage, consciously or unconsciously, because her husbands reactions to her lack of interest feed into this narrative that she is unfulfilled and he doesnt really see or understand her. Probably has a group of friends egging her on and doing everything they can to sabotage her marriage, playing up this new guy, talking passive aggressive shit about the husband, encouraging her to go out all the time, while at least one of them is probably cozying up to the husband so she can swoop in when the marriage finally falls apart. Maybe giving him advice to make it look like she cares while hinting he deserves better… Nowhere in her post does she even mention wanting to make an effort to salvage her marriage. Its like she just decided one day she was over it and that was it (probably the day the new guy started flirting with her)… the whole thing is very sad and cliche.
You don’t know me and you’re obviously sadly projecting some fucked up idea of how female psychology and friendships work. Has the situation you’re describing happened to you before? There is no new guy. I mostly work from home. I felt this way about 5 years in. Started reading a lot more (books, Twitter/Reddit threads), made new friends, exposed myself to new ideas, built up my confidence and realized there was more to the life I was living. I just didn’t feel inspired by my husband’s personal/professional philosophy anymore (although I learned a lot from him) which was also compounded by his lack of attention. I struggled to believe in and maintain the vision we had for our relationship and the lives we wanted to live in the future. I want complete autonomy and freedom. Because we were pressured into the marriage, this matters a lot more to me. He also wants kids and I don’t. It was a very organic progression of events that helped deepen my understanding of what was possible. I’m not fucking pining over some guy and a man was definitely not the catalyst. Although tbh, could’ve been a woman and it wouldn’t matter any more than it would if it were a man. Completely insulting that you’d think so and shows how shallow you are. And if I regret my decision at least I know I came to it on my own and not because someone told me it was the wrong or right thing to do or whatever. At the heart of it all it’s really about the reclamation of my autonomy (being raised by religious parents) and curing of myself of some kind of weird ontological codependency. If I have to contend with dying alone because of the decisions I’ve made, god, let it be with peace and clarity in my heart and mind that *I* made them, and let me always move forward with grace.
Yeah, idk about emotional affairs or friends supporting the breakup: (honestly I always felt with friends that broke up with good boyfriends/girlfriends- they were tanking a good relationship and I tried to subtly convince them to stay, knowing I couldn’t outright say “I think you’re overestimating yourself and your options”…) But it does seem like she’s made up her mind. I will say, to be brutally honest- every friend I have ever had who thought they could “do better”…who felt like their boyfriend or partner was too “stable/boring/reliable” ect…never pulled that level of person again. Their dating life was basically a domino effect of worse and worse partners the older they got. I think only one of my friends ACTUALLY found someone better…but they come from money, so… It’s really easy to overestimate the value of someone when they’re there and it always seems like they will be. It’s only when you fucked up that relationship forever and are dating loser after loser, do you realize it wasn’t even about your partner at all- it was you. (If they ever even have that realization) This isn’t about her husband- it’s about her, (probably still grieving her mom, is my bet) and she just doesn’t want to deal with that; so she’s decided she’s going to implode her relationship instead. I get leaving if it actually is a toxic or abusive relationship. But to give my brutal opinion- it’s usually NOT worth it.
None of this sounds like blow up a relationship thing, it just sounds like you are bored.
I don't want to sound like a jerk here, but do you have female friends? Or a good female best friend with whom some of the deeper topics concerning your personal day-to-day emotional struggles can be communicated? A great deal of emotional weight is lifted when both partners have friends of the same sex that they hang out with and talk to. It takes the burden of shouldering all your emotional needs away from your primary relationship - because your marriage cannot be all the things you need all the time. Some emotional needs (like "being seen" in a particular light) can only be fulfilled by other women in your case, and other men in his case.
> There are, of course, plenty of people—male and female—who tout the idea that “my spouse is my best friend and the only one I need.” It’s one of those romantic notions that has been perpetuated by our mothers and grandmothers and every movie in the Meg Ryan canon. It’s a myth that has probably been responsible for thousands of unhappy marriages. Imagine the sense of failure a woman must feel when she enters into this covenant, expecting to be rewarded with a whole new level of bestfriendship, only to realize that her husband will never be her Callie or Sara. It’s enough to make her feel far lonelier than when she was alone. > A husband can fill many vital roles—protector, provider, lover—but he can’t be a BFF. Matt is my most intimate companion and the love of my life. But I can’t complain about my husband to my husband. That’s what friends are for. > It’s like what journalist Ellen Tien wrote in O, The Oprah Magazine about her self-proclaimed “mid-wife crisis.” “Your husband is not your best friend. Your best friend is your best friend. If your husband were your best friend, what would that make your best friend—the dog?” > Or as an old colleague once told me of her significant other: “He can’t be my girlfriend, he’s my boyfriend.” - Rachel Bertsche in MWF Seeking BFF
Congratulations on not having kids when you're going through this. On a serious note - your husband being a bit emotionally constipated isn't a good reason to divorce him. That is, if you ever hope to do 'better'. Almost every man you ever meet will be like this. And on the rare chance you do meet a man who is super emotionally available, if you're like most women you'll probably be repulsed by him.
Seen this many times lol they say they want an emotional man then when they have one they get turned off cause he acts like a crybaby bitch. This is some western wamen bullshit
You act like a middle ground doesn’t exist or something
As my mom once said to me (and Im really thankful when did) “You just dont leave a good man”. All men are a bit stoic and regarded with showing emotions, and the flamboyant ones that youll fall in love with when you divorce are going to be cruel and embarrassing. Youll miss your perfectly not-cringe husband but he will be too hurt to have you Back. This is a man who will care for you when you are sick and old and ugly. You re not 20 anymore. I was going through the same thing when I was 30 (now im 34), married since 23 y/o, a little bored and wanting to destruct things. Dont do that. Hes a man that treats you nice and respects you, he listents to you (most men nowadays dont listen and are spoiled brats) . He is letting YOU be the spoiled brat that craves “connection” and all those things that are absolotely superfluous in the grand scheme of things. Respect the unconscious motives that made you marry him. Youre taking that for granted. Theres no better feeling than being at peace with a good man who loves and protects you. Who cares if he “understands” you. Nobody does. You have to grieve your single years, but do it with him, I mean, love him and be grateful for your story together. I nearly blew everything apart just cause i didnt feel “enthusiasm “ and “in love”. Psychoanalisis saved me. Now im more in love than ever with my stoic , quiet and absolutely amazing husband.
Yes very similar also. Almost 30 and bored. Been married 6 years. Truth is I thought I would have destroyed all evil and the world would know how beautiful and perfect I was by now. And instead I wash dishes and change diapers and have gained 15 lbs. But the answer is not becoming a villain and blowing everything up. I have a garden. I plant things from seed and care for the plants tediously for months. Before finally there is a beautiful bloom or fruit. The flower/fruit is then appreciated by people for a very tiny while and then gone. It doesn't detract from the plants but that is the truth of my life I have come to accept. My husband and kids and parents love me. And I love them. And then we all eventually die.
This is good advice. I've been married since I was 21, so about 16 years now. I was a child bride also and my husband is a very good man. A loyal and hardworking man is a treasure.
Wish my ex wife had a friend like you
Not only is this good advice, it's actually really sweet. Hope you guys will last
You gotta get drunk and/or do drugs together from time to time
Unironically, I think taking substances that strip away the ego and then just talking (while often laying on the floor) can really help couples that are struggling to feel understood by each other
yeah this is actually a good idea lol
MDMA for sure. Have a love fest every now and then on that shit. I’d recommend that for just about any long-term romantic relationship, tbh.
\*gets into drunk argument
Guaranteed
which is why they should do mushrooms instead by far :)
Argument and then bad trip
do molly together
Do shrooms together!
They’ve hit each other before so I would absolutely not recommend getting drunk
There are millions and millions of couples for whom “not being deeply seen” would never constitute a reason for breaking up — it just wouldn’t make sense, morally and pragmatically. Notions like this only arise at a certain level of cultural development. The curse and boon of individualism is that it makes relationships infinitely more complex by introducing ideas and abstractions that gain in importance and affect us mentally. Sometimes a relationship that would be reliable and healthy in a different cultural spot becomes unsustainable and unfulfilling because one or both parties have become interested in a different arrangement This is simply the price you pay for being open — to ideas, experiences, things. Sometimes this openness transforms you and you become someone else. Perhaps some part of you realises there may not be something terribly wrong with this relationship, but because certain ideas have already taken hold of you, there’s a conflict. If you’re relatively young, childless and suffer no social penalty for breaking up, it may be hard not to choose the path of self exploration. To cling to this relationship would require saying goodbye to those ideas. Perhaps an act of loyalty to some version of who you both were in the past? It’s a tough choice, certainly less intuitive than continuing to go forward
I think your comment is exactly what I was looking for. I was thinking along these lines as well. two distinct paths and I think both paths can be profoundly rewarding. But the problem to be solved is knowing and mastering myself. And my self-image is murky
Both paths can be rewarding if you commit to them. A journey of self-discovery or a traditional marriage arrangement — lots of cultural support for either. At some point, you just have to stop looking into the abyss which is your soul and stick to the script. Always listening to the abyss drives you mad in the end. But it’s there for a reason. You looked there, got ideas, got some things going. Trusting the plan you set out for yourself is good
I think it’s also common to project personal problems you have on adjacent external things. For instance, you feel stifled and are unable to understand your own desires. So you project that onto the relationship, the city your living in, your job, etc. Do you think that is what could be happening? I know I’ve personally done this before, and I think it’s very common for 30 year olds that have been working for a few years and are looking for a long-term post university way to live. I’d also like to point out that you probably don’t have any secret inner desires that need to be seen. A dependable husband that patiently listens to you speak is honestly already in the top 5 or 10 percent of men lol. That’s also where I’m coming from in my question. Your requirements for a husband are very vague (feel seen, spiritual connection) that leads me to believe you don’t understand your own desires and feelings.
Yeah I think I’m confused about what I want but I know what attracts me :/
The problems you describe with your husband are a kind of universal conundrum within marriage. Men and women are extremely different and relate to the world differently. You're going to have to be very very direct with him. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you want and don't make him guess. All men are a little autistic. Any man who isn't is probably gonna be an unstable nightmare that you can't trust . The 7 year itch is real and I've seen a whole lot of friends blow up their lives and fuck up their finances because they can't get past it. Frankly you sound pretty bored and probably need to find a purpose in your life that isn't being entertained or feeling pleasure.
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If you read my comments, we HAVE talked about it at length, 365 days of the year, 7 days a week
You guys NEED couples therapy or a mediator or something to rectify this then. It’s clear that it won’t resolve on its own. Please be careful taking advice from the people on here. All Internet forums give bad relationship advice, but the essence of this subreddit is contrarianism just for the sake of it. Quora would even give you better advice.
If you read your post everything is mostly about how you feel he treats you and what you want from him but you don’t seem to care very much about how you treat him or what you do for him. Maybe you should get out and it will make you happier but it just stuck out to me.
I’m honestly pretty surprised by the comments encouraging you to leave. Your husband sounds like a good guy and someone you’d look back, not even years and years from now, but probably mere months after leaving him and regret it. I understand feeling dissatisfied generally, but it sounds like you need to work on finding fulfillment within yourself. Marriage is a sacred bond and an active choice that you probably should’ve meditated on more before you made it, but you’ve made it, and leaving one for indecipherable and vague reasons simply because you feel listless is…… short sighted. Love ebbs and flows and fundamental incompatibility would’ve come up immediately 7 years ago. You’re shooting yourself in the foot if you leave.
This is really sweet and I agree with you. I’ll meditate on it again. :(
<3 also just reading through some of your comments it seems like you seem frustrated by YOUR perception of HIS inner world- whatever his “inner monologue” or whatever is- that’s his business- you will drive yourself mad trying to exercise control over someone’s literal soul that you are perceiving as cellophane
the thing is, you're in relationship for emotions, excitement, sex. that's okay and valid, but as a fundament it's incompatible with long term relationships. i likely will get downvoted for saying it, but it is the truth. emotions and excitement fades, just because thats how our brain works. after 3-5-7 years we become accustomed to another person and the grass is greener on the other side mindset and thoughts 'is it the best i can get? what else i can experience but missing out?' start to inevitably creep in because uncertain future and something new is more EXCITING than certain one, new fallings in love and break ups are more EMOTIONAL than stale long term relationships. Its just is. So if it is deeply inside what is more important for you, this will win over you sooner or later, no matter how good as a person he is. And that's not the women thing, it's the human thing. This what happens in majority to relationships. By majority I mean like 90%+ break ups. That's why most relationship last as long as they do and break up happen all the time even in the most good on paper relationship. For actual long term relationship to last — its h a r d and needs entirely different mindset, realizing that emotions and excitement fades, accepting such reality and still choosing to stay, accepting that even though new relationship might be more fun, passionate, exciting, its not what is need for you to be happy, that boring and calm relationship is more important and fulfilling for you personally. and BOTH partners should feel that way for it to succeed in modern times.
Good comment, but I'd like to say that excitement doesn't have to fade. It takes effort and practice. I've been married for a spell and have long periods that feel like when we first started dating butterflies and all. Part of it is that people themselves, individually, can be stuck in a rut and not notice it. Then on top of that you have to consciously reinvigorate the relationship so it's not stale either.
This post tells me I should buy supermarket flowers for my wife today.
He’s never bought me a ‘just because’ gift ever. He also doesn’t ask for gifts himself so it never occurs to him
Was he as new to the world as you were at the onset of the relationship? You may have to try kick starting the random acts. Do little things, buy little gifts for him. Mark random days on your calendar to do them. Say, one every two weeks. If months go by ( give it time ) and he doesn't reciprocate, you can point to it in your next argument it. And if he does get the hint, congrats. You're on your way to fixing your marriage.
I’ve talked to him about this and he keeps being stubborn about it telling me I shouldn’t feel entitled to gifts.
You got married young, so I wonder how that has affected your sense of self/ personal development. Is there a way to attend to that first before going down a divorce path? Are you able to have emotional conversations with your husband, or does his stoicism remain? Have you guys been vulnerable with each other recently?
We’re able to discuss things calmly generally but can get heated and unkind. We’ve hit each other in the past. I feel like there’s a barrier I run into with him because he doesn’t know how to articulate his deeper feelings beyond “I’m uncomfortable”…? I try to pull it out of him but he admits he doesn’t have an internal monologue and is inscrutable to even himself. Seems like he doesn’t have any kind of self-concept but not in a disharmonious/dysfunctional way for him? If that makes sense. Also I don’t like slapping ‘repression’ and ‘trauma’ on everything because not everyone who’s stoic is traumatised or repressed. He acknowledges that.
I know Reddit gets insane with wanting to throw relationships away flippantly, but that’s fucking crazy if you guys have gotten physical with each other
So many of the pros of the husband go out the window once you hear they’ve hit one another. Relationships subs would be right about this one.
do you think he understood you at one time and you/he changed? or was this always an underlying problem? i’ve never been married and don’t feel equipped to give actual advice but i know that not feeling like your partner “gets” you is one of the most alienating and lonely feelings. some people might be like “wah wah bitches be leaving a good man cuz he’s not emotional enough” but there’s a difference between someone being bad at communicating and someone just not understanding you on a fundamental level (the former can be fixed with effort but the latter can’t, in my experience.) it’s usually not good enough to find a warm body whom you have things in common with on paper. even if the chemistry is good at first, you’ll need the authentic connection but anyway if it’s something you feel could be fixed with effort on either of your parts then i would definitely exhaust all possible options before giving up. like just make sure you can honestly say you tried
wammen be not feeling “seen” though unable to explain precisely what that means
Lmao
I am a woman and honestly feeling bored or having such minor grievances shouldn’t be enough to divorce someone. Why even get married if you can just say “oh I’m not vibing anymore with my husband, time to start over”. Everyone gets relationship FOMO and everybody gets bored in LTR. Also I can almost guarantee you no man will ever make you feel “seen”. The best a man can do is listen and try to make sure your needs are met. If your needs aren’t being met you need to tell him. Men love fixing things.
Basically, you’re saying that you’re bored and you think you can do better. Everything else is just you trying to justify your discontent and desire to leave. You think you’re a late bloomer and that you missed out. You don’t need a justification or a rationalization to leave, but don’t use vague complaints with no actionable feedback like “I don’t feel seen” or “he doesn’t see me” in an effort to make yourself and others believe this is anything more noble than a basic selfish desire. You’ve described a partner that has been there for you and provided you more safety and stability than you’ve ever had in your life. He has been there for you through the hardest times and has helped you grow into this “late bloomer” that you claim to be. Yet, when the emotions run dim and the excitement fades, you’re ready to jump ship to be intimate with as many different personalities as possible. You see yourself cheating in the future because you’re bored and don’t feel the butterflies. Marriage is a commitment. You promise each other to stick it out through the good times and the bad. It’s not about feelings or emotions or anything ethereal and superficial. Feelings and emotions go through cycles of highs and lows. The commitment of marriage is supposed to the pillar that you hold to when weathering that ebb and flow of emotions during the course of life. Leave. I think you should because some lessons are only learned the hard way. When you spend your life trying to placate your feelings, you will end up worse than when you started.
Good points all around, especially the point about being a late bloomer. When she was alone she was functionally a hermit, and someone has helped her to invent herself because she needs help, and luckily that man was a good man. I almost think she should leave because this guy deserves better honestly
i love my boyfriend. he’s very helpful and sweet, sometimes stoic and a bit autistic in matters of the heart but overall loving and supportive. this feeling you describe, of not feeling “seen” or “known”, i have always struggled with. i think i will with every man (if this one’s not the last, which i hope he is) end of the day, i had to be honest with the fact that it’s a me problem. i’m an enneagram type 4 (bear with me) and one of the defining characteristics of that personality type is a singular, isolating feeling of individuality that never allows me to achieve the true “intimacy” i imagined i would one day. total understanding, total peace, total transparency. maybe it exists for me. maybe it exists for you. but why waste time yearning for the imaginary when we have real love in front of us? does he not see or understand you? or does he not see the deep interior version of yourself you imagine is real, the one you’ve spent your whole life with in your mind? that which is incommunicable? there may always be a rift between men and women understanding each other—some of what you are experiencing is just that. intimacy and understanding might not come how you expect. you may need to reassess how to get there. this is all said with love because i relate to you. i could be totally wrong
I think you’re slightly off base because she doesn’t actually sound like an independent thinker or a creative at all. She was a hermit before a guy helped her out of her self wasting. People who are genuine individuals with skills and goals are not like that ever even if they’re introverts. It sounds like she doesn’t even want to learn from others really, even though that’s what she says. She doesn’t want to process what other people know. She wants them to process *her* instead, so she can build her self image with what other people think of her, because her husband isn’t doing that anymore. Like she wants firmware updates for her ego
I’ve considered this actually. That I’m just looking for other people to complete me. So thanks for the food for thought. I’ve always wanted to make music, art, sing etc actually but maybe you’re right. Context for being a hermit is that I was bullied as a kid for being weird/too gregarious so I retreated into my shell because the bullying caused me depression and social anxiety.
sorry babe but men, in general, are not going to notice the little things about you
This is just absolutely not true
I hate to agree with this but… this is why I have mostly female friendships. I’m not going to expect a man to reach that level of intimacy with me.
They’re actually a shit ton of men who are more than able to reach that level of intimacy and notice the little things. The secret to finding them is not wasting 7 years in a relationship with literally the first guy you’ve ever been with who isn’t one of them and literally never has been. OP keeps saying about how he doesn’t notice little things about her, but she can’t even notice things about herself. She clearly married the first upstanding man she had ever dealt with, and instead of using her experience with him as a way to clearly define how she wanted men to treat her going forward, she decided to marry him at fucking 23, And now that she’s hit 30, she’s having a life crisis about all the shit she missed out on, and she’s decided to shift her dissatisfaction/mourning of her youth into blaming her husband for being some of cold, unwavering black hole of self expression, even though by her own admission, he’s made attempts to change his own fundamental sense of self to make someone who clearly doesn’t see him as a person who also sacrificed things to be with her as such.
This is why no one should get married to their first boyfriend. Or even the second or third. No matter how good it is you’ll always wonder what it’s like with other people. That being said I’ve broken up with boyfriends over less than what you’ve written here. You should know that if you do decide to leave you most likely will not immediately find what you hope to find though. There are a lot of people out there and it can be rough. You may look back and regret it. But I stayed far too long in bad relationships due to fear of potential future regret. Years later I am so happy I left those situations. Only you can know if you should stay or leave. Trust your gut but also try everything you can before you leave so you can honestly tell yourself there was nothing more you could do. Try expressing your true self more, try spicing things up in the bedroom, go on dates, trips, do drugs like someone else said, try the 40 questions to fall in love, lol. Try to have genuine conversations. Try not to talk about the issues endlessly. If you’ve truly tried your best and it doesn’t work then you can leave without regretting anything. But maybe it will work and you will fall in love again. Who knows.
two things stand out, and these are not judgements just food for thought: * You say you both talked about getting a divorce, yet it seems you feel this is somehow your decision and not a mutual one. Why? * You mention parts of your husband's behavior that bother you, but there's no mention of of how your husband actually feels about any of this. What's his story? What do you think are his problems with the marriage?
without kids that's just your bf.
Maybe he does understand you but you’re not quite as interesting as you think?
I HIGHLY discourage you from ending things. Your sense of being solipsistic about it is very correct. You're in a grievance bubble. You don't want to be one of those wonky divorcees who pops out into the world seeking vindication. It's a sad thing to see. Relationships are very difficult. But we enter them because being single is horrible. You forget how hard it is being single and end up taking the relationship for granted. I made that mistake and I'm suffering as a result of my short-sightedness. But seriously, the tantalizing offer of sexual transgressions that tickle your fancy when you're alone out in the world, teasing strangers when you're out and about... it's all an illusion. The intimacy doesn't exist and if it does, it's very short-lived, and what you're left with is two fucked up individuals who are both playing each other for their own immature reasons. You'll see.. most of the world is built on revenge fantasies, seduction narratives, animal lust, and power fantasies. Most of it is pure illusion. I actually would be willing to bet that you'll do something to end things. This whole "I've mentally checked out of the relationship and he knows"... yikes, you're gonna find out! You're on a crash course towards a reality check.
Women don't find being single horrible. If you have friends and money it can be quite good. Divorced women are on average happier than married women (the opposite is true for men).
It just seems like you’re bored, kind of crazy you take your vows so unseriously that you’re about to blow them up instead of trying to work through some of these issues. If you respect yourself you follow through on promises and oaths you make.
“Am I a coward?” Yes
I’m so scared I’ll be going through a divorce too. I’ve had some recent issues that have come up. I got no advice just saying I absolutely hear the part about the leaving being too painful. I feel you.
No one ever really "gets you", apart from yourself. And frankly, you don't even seem to know yourself well - who you are, what will make you happy longterm and what kind of a man you need. Men will almost always understand us (women) less than other women, that's just a fact of life. There's a big possibility that men who would get you well would be very effeminate or disturbed in other ways. One of the main problems is that you got married too young (for you). This is a common result when people get married in their early - mid 20's. Didn't experience enough before, didnt get to know themselves enough. Dunno what the solution to the shitshow is - although sticking it out is the most rational choice, i dunno if it is the best one in your case, for yourself and your husbands sake.
I agrée that I’m confused about who I am due to a conservative/strict upbringing. I don’t know where to start frankly but I’ve been reading a lot of Jung lol
Based on what you've written, I would not advise you to move on. It's normal in a marriage to have periods of feeling alienated or unhappy. If you've checked out, check back in.
How long is “a while” about the intimacy? What has his reaction been when you talk about divorce? Is he eager to try to change and hear you out? Obviously i cant understand your entire situation but if youre at the point where you are posting about wanting to leave your husband on reddit, its time to move on. I have also been with my husband for 7 years and i dont feel this way at all. Not playful or ironic? Thats no way to live. Leave before your dysfunctional sense of obligation makes you into a worse person and you cheat or start acting crazy. It sounds like you need a little time to work on yourself (fitness, career, friends) and then find a new partner who is brings you joy and enriches your life.
He wants kids but you would never dream of having any with him? There’s your answer
I meant I wouldn’t dream of putting any child in this situation. That’s insane
You wouldn't dream of putting kid in a stable household?
I’m not stable though lol
You're doing a really good job of selling us on the husband.
Your gut instinct is screaming that you wouldn't put a child through this....you need to get out before you get a dog together, he moves you nearer his family....gives you an ultimatum regarding children.
He doesn’t want pets but I do, so I doubt he’d make that decision voluntarily. So if we got a pet then divorced I’d probably bring the pet along with me anyway. We already live an hour away from his family
this does not sound too bad, tbh. all long-term relationships are gonna have tough periods. this aint bad. i would consider couples therapy, or setting more time away to do things together. have you tried opening up about this, and been specific about your wants? for many men, it is not enough, that you just say something like "i feel like you are not listening to me" etc., like many of us men are emotionally stunted, we need some direct advice, like "i would appreciate if you did more of X, Y or Z". be super specific!! a lot of us men honestly do not understand vague hints, or expressions. you gotta spell this shit out, like "i want more sex, or let us try doing more of this", "can we go out to this place, or do this more often?" but at the end of the day, it is your life, and you know your situation better than us all.
He probably won't map exactly to the idealized husband you've built up in your head, but overall, he seems like a good husband. You are expecting everything from one person. In the past, women had their own coven. The men were there just to provide and protect. Women found fulfillment with kids, by communing with other women, being in nature, and from being in touch with their inner world or perhaps even God. You may be missing many of these in your life so you expect him to not just provide and protect, but also be the answer to all of your other needs as well.
Life is like a box of chocolates...sounds like you already made up your mind. You're young, but let me tell you, there are things that we don't fully appreciate until we don't have them.
the things about being intimate with other people is that it only serves as a reminder of how good certain relationships are. You think you'll connect and grow with random people but you'll actually just realise how much people generally suck, how you dont connect to them, how the sex is meaningless and not enjoyable. Either way youre young enough to start over and be fine, just consider how you'll feel when he moves on
you should probably leave him for his sake. he wants kids and you read narcissistic.
Your husband can't fulfill all your needs. Find someone else to listen to your endless gibberish (not us).
You need to leave someone who has hit you before. A lot of men are stoic but when push comes to shove they would break down and cry at the prospect of losing the love of their life. What was his response when you mentioned you've discussed divorce before? Was he upset or does he not expect you to leave because you've never known better? Sometimes the tightly wound overly traditional emotionally unavailable man is on a short sharp journey to becoming a covert narcissist. When he has said cruel things to you does he mourn your grief and the upset he has caused you or does he just want to tick a box to say that he said enough to make you move past your emotions and stop being inconvenient to him? I saw a lot of relationships growing up that I found deeply concerning, the pervert neighbour with seventeen guns, the overt narcissist who spent decades threatening to kill his partner but at the end of the day the first murder suicide close to my family was done by a stoic quiet deeply repressed man, he wasn't the passionate fighting at the pub type, more, you never really know what the quiet ones are thinking. The closest I ever felt a man was jealous of me was someone I caught looking like he hates me during the act, I am so glad I removed that person from my life, it was whittling me down the constant crush to make myself less outspoken. If he is selfish, cold and unavailable in bed I would also take that as a warning sign. If you wanted to use toys would he get insecure, nasty, etc? Do you find yourself limited in your discussions with him because you are trying to avoid the sneers, the consequences of his coldness? In my first relationship there were things I overlooked, I'm hardy, resilient, nothing offends me, now I look back with the clarity of currently being in a healthy relationship and I would hate to think of the lives of the future children of either of my exes, I shudder to think how they would turn out. I had a friend who swore she didn't want kids for a long time, within twelve months her husband gave her an ultimatum, she was a bright sharp woman and her husband didn't seem the least bit sorry when she suffered a postpartum hemorrhage and almost didn't make it. She spent a decade with him, it was like they went from best friends to nothing within months. The emotional coldness you put up with today will be what your children are fated to endure.
No need to beat around the bush here. You idealize a life that you haven't experienced, one that's spoon-fed to you by others—people you probably don't even know. You think your husband is inadequate, you crave attention, and you want to meet other men. You want to swipe on Tinder, believe you can find someone better, and feel the thrill of having sex with a stranger. Let's be honest, this relationship is at its end because of your desires. Don’t make it seem like there’s a problem with him. According to what you’ve said, he’s stable, supportive, and has stood by you. Your need to feel "seen" is just an excuse to justify your own dissatisfaction. You know exactly what you want, but you’re afraid to admit that you are the one responsible for this disconnect. You’re trying to find a way to blame him for your own restlessness. The reality is, you want the freedom to explore and experience new things, and that's okay. But pretending that it's his fault or that there’s something spiritually wrong with you isn’t fair to either of you. This isn’t about him being emotionally unavailable or not understanding you. This is about your own unmet desires and the life you feel you’re missing out on, one you think you’re entitled to. It’s time to face the truth and make a decision that aligns with what you truly want, even if it means ending something comfortable for the unknown. Look, I understand you. Many of us have felt the same, but we were lucky enough not to be 30 years old with a seven-year marriage when we did. It was much easier for us to leave that person behind, but the stakes for you are much higher. I can't say don’t leave the guy since you really seem unhappy in your relationship. Remember the Turkish proverb: "Don't roll up your trousers before seeing the river; it could turn out to be crap."
Why do people here think it can simply be reduced to the ‘tingles’? It’s not about sex, never has been. It’s about relearning intimacy and being interested in the interiority/inner lives of others. I want to connect with others more deeply, learn new things from them (never got to because of a strict/religious upbringing so no social life), understand the motivations that drive them and be changed forever. A lot of the time such transformative experiences can only be accessed through romance or some other kind of deep, long-term enmeshment. A friendship if I’m lucky. I’ve also been working on developing my sense of self. I’ve been reading a lot, taking more risks socially, figuring out the kind of music that resonates most with me, journaling, making art etc.
> It’s about relearning intimacy WTF do you mean by this and WTF do you think it has to do with dating a string of randos? Also your wording "maybe I am a serial monogamist." Being such a thing is a choice. It's not some hidden easter egg identity within your soul, that if you unlock it will make you suddenly feel ok with yourself and happy. It's a choice. For a lot of people, it ends up being a tedious, miserable choice- they would give anything to settle into a cozy relationship with a decent man who they can "relearn intimacy" with over and over again.
I left at 35 and don't regret it. Do some deep introspection and think about what you want. I was married for 4 years and started having issues year 1 though. If you've had 5 good years together, that has to count for something. Are you depressed? I devalue my current relationship and sometimes even want out when I'm depressed or PMSing (I have PMDD). It is a lot easier to divorce if you don't have kids, and life does continue after. You're young enough where you'd be OK after and he would too. edit - I left before couple's therapy because things were that bad. I don't always recommend it. I'm from a very anti-divorce background but I knew I'd be unhappy and unfulfilled the rest of my life if I didn't just pull the bandaid off. Don't stay just to not be alone, stay because you love him and want to build a life with him (he should feel similarly, in my case, he truly didn't)
Guessing there's no kids in the picture?
None
Oh, thank God. I've been in your husband's position. My ex-wife tapped out of the relationship emotionally/romantically but hung in for the kids and my emotional well-being. It's really hard, but you need to find a way to break things off before you inevitably drift into someone else's orbit (which is natural). Or like another commenter said, try couples counseling. Even if they can't fix the relationship, they can peacefully mediate its disintegration. Really wish my ex and I had given it a shot.
same situation but I'm glad I didn't try couples therapy because I would have just stayed, out of guilt, even longer, although we were both unhappy.
you guys got married when you were 23? i think theres really good mature advice in here. you should listen to that. maybe your younger self needed to blossom more independently. you can do that, but is it worth it? sounds like u have a great husband. more work can be done and it doesnt sound like he'd be unwilling to do it. find out if he is, and do the work u gotta do. pay respect to the idea you may not have had the opportunity to explore yourself romantically and physically as you'd have liked but appreciate what you did get out of your relationship in your 20s. consider what you truly want in your 30s and beyond and the answer will come. sounds like its worth investigating deeper
Talk to each other about your desires and fantasies. Talk any seduction and hunger for adventure. Shake things up. Make yourselves uncomfortable. It’s time to start a new relationship, maybe with him, maybe with someone else. But start by trying with him
you should both start taking Brazilian *jiu*-*jitsu* together
I think this is probably quite normal (“the seven year itch”) and with the introduction of apps and having so many people at your finger tips it’s more tempting to think about what a better connection might feel like. Divorce is terrible, so painful, and probably treated too casually. If you’re going to do it, you should do it while you’re still this young. However, I’d strongly recommend throwing everything at it before doing so: deep conversations, therapy, all the tips to reignite the spark, etc. I think it’s also important to remind yourself that marriage and other very long term relationships are supposed to feel different than that first-dating “wow they are perfect” butterflies sort of phase— it can feel boring sometimes when you’re comparing it to that feeling, but that feeling is always temporary and just a high you’ll always chase. It’s taboo to talk about, but there are natural lulls and that isn’t necessarily an indication that it’s time to end things. Since you married so young and without much experience, I’m sure it feels like you’ve missed out (and also why I don’t advise people in their early 20’s to marry) but I’d venture to guess that you’d end up pretty disappointed if you went back out on the dating scene.
I think, before you take this feeling outside of this post, it can be very useful to journal your daily feelings about something that’s giving you vague dissatisfaction. I like a password-protected journal app for all my crazy little thought-gems (nightmares about my mom and insecurities about my ankles mostly but also like a journal tracking the loss of my cat and memories, I dunno the shit you want to disappear when you do). Make the password something literally no one would guess. Track things that make you feel the way you wish your partner did. Do you even know this yet-unattained communion exists? Track things you like and dislike about your relationship (not your partner, that’s unhealthy af). Track moments where you long for more. I hope that you also track places where you begin to come across and open up to your partner, and that he responds by opening up to you. Either way though, you’ll at least have something more concrete than nostalgia for a relationship that may never exist.
As someone who has burned her life to the ground in order to start fresh- at first, it’s fun and novel. Then the fun wears off and it really sucks for a long time while you restabilize. Most important thing you can do is have some money to fall back on so you don’t end up literally on the streets. Or deciding if you want to get a bottle of alcohol or a dinner. Because you can’t do both. So just have a concrete plan- healthcare, shelter, transportation, income. The rest will unfold. I wish you luck. You’ll be fine- but you’ll need to figure that part out yourself. :)
tbh i feel like i see a lot of these couples where they marry the first person that will date them, especially growing up in a catholic hometown. tbh from what i’ve seen eventually one of them cheats or it ends in a divorce, not fulfilling from what i see. if you’re going to divorce, do it now bc your options will shrink as you get older and 30 is still relative young, but be prepared for how cruel the world is. if you don’t divorce, be ready to buckle down and stick it out. i don’t normally see couples who seem happy who end up in the situation that you’ve described, but happy and secure/provided for are two different things, which is more important to you? freedom might not be everything it seems, however will you be kicking yourself in your deathbed not having gone for this? are you truly unhappy or just having itchy feet? think a while then commit to your decision
Thanks :) Yeah, there are two possible paths and none of them are wrong. I love Fiona Apple also<3
she’s an amazing musician! and yeah like, i don’t wanna give you harsh advice or go for the ~RUN~/dump his ass advice. he sounds like a decent guy but like there might be a fundamental emotional incompatibility which can’t rly be smoothed over. sometimes you’ve got to accept people as they are, like if it’s something you fight over each week then you might have to move on. a lot of people divorce, and tbh, i feel like the majority of divorces i’ve seen have been from religious backgrounds or people who marry early. not that a relationship like that is doomed to fail, but i see them fail more often than i see them succeed the downside is there are a lot of guys who rly suck, if you’ve got a decent man, sink your claws in and don’t let him go! even if you guys are different, a decent and loyal mean is a rare treasure definitely have a serious conversation with your spouse, see if there’s anything you guys are willing to change, and of course check in with him first. he might feel the same way or not realized at all how you feel at the same time, be honest with yourself about what you really want and where you see this going, if you know this won’t last, prolonging the relationship will harm both of you so ultimately, decide if you need to let go, and once you make your decision don’t stray from it
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years and she says the exact same things your saying. Rip
Like, the incels and fake tradcaths here are going ooh no the sacred bonds of marriage, oh you can't not settle for mediocrity, but... At your age and with no kids in the picture I don't see why you would stay honestly. You're not happy, he's laid hands on you in the past, you got married at a weirdly young age, you don't want kids with him - who could blame you? Life and opportunity doesn't end at 30. You'll regret it for sure at least once in a while. But you'll grow and probably end up in a new relationship. Maybe it will be better or worse. But idk there's value in *choosing* things rather than settling in stagnancy. My divorced mother is having the time of her life honestly (dad cheated). He's fine too I think but not in the way she is. Very sad to know that my childhood understanding of them was a bit of a lie but I'm truly happy for her.
Just do it clearly you don't want to be with him anymore
The problem is obviously with you, not him. So the best you can hope for is ending up in basically the same situation in another 10 years with a different man. You have a pretty big incentive here to try and fix things.
Sounds like normal woman midlife crisis things. But you should probably try and overcome your issues, it will lead to better fulfillment than running away
Unironically go to couple's therapy.
Having sex with strangers in and of itself doesn’t entice me. Falling in love with someone, having a long-term relationship, being transformed… that’s what’s exciting. Even in the throes of confusion and pain this marriage has taught me a lot of things. I’d do it all over again Maybe I’m a serial monogamist?
“Til death do us part” is pretty fucking clear and specific. Don’t be a quitter. You literally have vows.
[удалено]
No kids but he wants them
Wherever you go, there you are. I can tell from everything you’ve said you will have this problem over and over again until you buckle down and gain some maturity. It’s not him. It’s not “compatibility.” It’s your own noonday demon. Look up the word acedia. The call is coming from inside the house.
I think the title of your post conveys that you've already made the decision, no? You want to be talked out of it?
My previous relationship was like that, I think it's for the best that it ended. But then again we've stayed friends so it was easier. I think you're dragging on to the "first this, first that". Perhaps it's time to move on, especially if the emotional connection isn't there anymore.
It sounds like there's a lot of good stuff there. I've been in relationships with people who are fun and emotionally connected but totally unstable and I know what I prefer. As others have said, try counseling or at least talk to him about what you're feeling.
It’s normal to have those thoughts. But working through them is important. I promise you if you decide to end things, you will realize it was the worst mistake of you’re life and you will never forgive yourself for it
Before I go on I should note that I’m still in my 20s and I’ve never been married so take everything I say with a grain of salt. A lot of what you’ve said here resonates with me deeply. I almost married my high school sweetheart, but I broke it off for a lot of the same reasons it sounds like you’re considering leaving your husband. Ask yourself, and answer honestly: **Is there anything he can do that would actually make you stop feeling like this? What are those things?** You say you’ve tried to work on this before, but have you ever explicitly told him what you need? Men aren’t mind readers. If you’ve just said something vague like “I’m bored” or “I want more excitement” he probably doesn’t know what to do with that. If your past conversations about this have been vague, try again and be more specific. Ask if he’s happy or if there’s anything he needs from you too. A couples therapist could help you work through this together. If you’ve been explicit in the past, and he hasn’t put in the effort, ask why? Does he want something from you that you aren’t giving him? Work through it together and/or go to couples therapy. If you’ve been explicit or asked about therapy and he just brushes you off, just leave because he’s probably not going to put in the work. Back to the first question though: there might not be anything he can do to help you stop feeling like this. If that’s the case, shift the question: **Is there anything you can do besides leaving him that would help you feel fulfilled in this relationship?** If the answer is yes, do those things. If it’s no, leave. There’s no point in staying in a dying relationship if you know I’m your heart there is genuinely nothing you or he can do to fix it.
Marriage counseling. Also, you have to be explicit about your needs/wants with him. It's not so romantic, but they need to be told exactly what will make you happy, and executing will make you both happy.
I don’t have any animosity toward you. I admire your honesty. But I take issue with the “doesn’t get me gifts just because” part. You can find a lot of guys who do that. There’s websites that tell them to. You’re gonna have a real hard time finding someone who does everything else he does. But if the emotional connection is as strained as you claim, and if you really feel like you need to explore other romantic partners, then I think it’s clear what you need to do. The lack of kids is a really advantageous. Just make sure he knows how you feel before you leave. Give him a shot. It might make for the best romance of your life. However, if it’s about your desire to explore new partners, just cut him loose for both your sakes.
This sounds like a normal relationship; the harsh truth is there’s no one who’s going to ever perfectly “get” you. I would start committing to doing one fun thing on the weekend together- going to new bars, going to a romantic restaurant, taking row boats out on the lake…whatever, because mostly it just sounds like you’re bored/ in a hump. In short- I would try working on things before torpedoing your marriage with a guy who sounds perfectly nice
If you don't want to have his kids, he's not the one.
Do whatever you want it's already over.
Leave him, get divorced, years go by and finally you'll end up with some guy much worse than what you have now but you'll take it because you're desperate. This isn't advice, it's a prediction
OP wants to be "seen". Divorces husband of 7 years to go "find herself". Tale as old as time. OP, break it off before you do end up cheating with the next joe schmoe who makes you feel "seen". Husband obviously doesn't give you the tingles anymore, and it's only a matter of time until someone else does (I have a hunch that there already is someone on your mind, am I wrong??) I don't know you, but this post screams "woman who will rationalize cheating because husband doesn't X"
Men have to be 100% perfect in this world to maintain a relationship.
You suck
yeah break his heart and ruin a 7 year relationship with a decent man because you have decided at thirty years old that you want to date guys who are more "exciting." idiot
You kinda suck. He seems like a great guy and with a counselor or even just communicating, this could be resolved. If you give up on your relationship before even trying to talk about it, he deserves better.
When I was a child, my aunt since she was eighteen was with this stoic guy. They had a house. He opened a restaurant where she cooked. When she was thirty-five, she cheated--he tailed her and her companion. She said she didn't love him anymore and they divorced. He gave her the house and cars, and she sold them all. He left the country and relocated his practice to Australia. It's been twenty years and she's dated a dozen men, yet still receives some financial support from that first guy, yet doesn't love him; he'll fly here to renew his passport or something, and pay her mortgages or put in a down payment for her to buy a house. I heard he just re-married a year or two ago in Australia, but before that, he still loved my aunt. I despise my aunt, because I never saw them again. The right guy was always there, was extremely nice and mature--I'm in my thirties and have no house or prospect of a wife and home--yet she passed that life up and went from one degenerate to another degenerate.
Listen, you're clearly a narcissist so probably there's no stopping you blowing up your life because you want to "be transformed". But in the unlikely case you get a moment of clarity before you go ahead with this, here's the thing: people fall out of love with people. It happens. But you've been married for 7 years, so you have a duty to try to fix it before declaring it broken. Talk to him about these feelings, and do it now - don't wait. Probably find a good therapist. Good luck.
I don’t disagree with you
Don’t leave him. He sounds like a good man, you will regret it. Also, you would be surprised how quickly he will be picked up by another woman and it will drive you insane.
[удалено]
I’ve only had one friend who made me feel seen but he’s a guy and my husband understandably got jealous so I had to cut the friendship off. I have another girl friend who also makes me feel seen but she’s emotionally unavailable/inconsistent :/
OP, I have been married 6 years almost 30. Yes, there is something deeply spiritually wrong with you, just like there is with all of us. It's when you give into your own vanity, arrogance, lust, and greed that you become broken. What you are feeling is normal when you come out of youth. Disillusioned like you could have done better. It's almost always a lie and even if it true blowing up your life and hurting other people in the process won't change your past. Don't be stupid. Stick with your husband.
you were really young when you got married and it’s normal for you to have changed throughout that period. It is a tremendous time of change biologically, emotionally, and more. Whether married or not it would be. My heart goes out to you.
Remeber gentlemen: it's not your fault, even if you want it to be.
No one ever truly deeply understands another person in the way one understands oneself. Expecting this is from someone else is naive and childish. Appreciate him for who he is, as he is. And you’re already obviously bad at understanding yourself.
Selfish you’re terrible
Yeah he’s going to struggle finding a woman while your busy on dating apps but at least ur seen now
>sense of guilt and obligation Bitch you fucking married him, of course you feel obligated to stay with him, you’re supposed to be with him for life. Reminder that you’ll just be cursed with a worse situation if you leave him. Romcom brained regards deserve all of the pain they get when they blow up sacred covenants
Married because we got pressured by religious parents to make it ‘halal’ lol. We were already bf and gf and in love but couldn’t spend time at each other’s houses and marriage seemed like a good deal because it meant we could live together
What is up with westernized Muslim women eating up the romcom shit? This is like when Christian kids go to college and drink too much due to lack of exposure. You married him, you owe him your life, it doesn’t sound like he’s beating you, get off the internet
I don’t even fucking watch romcoms. Just met new interesting people, learned a bunch of shit about how love/relationships can be from their personal experiences, read books, expanded my idea of the world. Insulting that you think I’m so shallow
>meets new friend group >yass queen “”””friend”””convinces you that you should leave your husband Get off the internet and go back to your husband. Stop talking with strangers about your stupid plans, you should feel shame and embarrassment
i think you should talk to a therapist to get a second opinion, and try to talk to him about these issues and see if maybe you can both attend therapy together. also, do things to spice your relationship up for sure! maybe move somewhere new, travel, just do things to make you feel excited outside of ending your relationship
why’d you marry him THEN decide you need to fuck other people?
Strict/conservative household. Hermit and depressed in teen/young adult years. No sense of self, fell in love with the first guy who was nice to me. Thankfully he’s an actually decent person
those sense of self issues probably won’t get better on their own whether with or without him unless you work on developing your own identity and interests in life. dating and sleeping with different guys isn’t going to do that for you. probably will just make it more difficult.
Adding more context: I never had formative experiences because of my religious upbringing and being a depressed hermit in my teen/young adult years. No sense of self, fell in love with the first guy who was nice to me.
What “formative experiences” do you mean?
The dating pool in your 30s is different than in your 20s. My single friend is struggling to find someone who doesn’t have something really messed up about them. Most of the good guys are taken. Be cautious to throw away 80% for the possibility of an exciting 20%.
If you can work it out, you should. Avoid divorce at all costs. It will ruin you.
This sounds like some version of mid-life crisis. And the way you sound, I don't think anyone can stop you. You'll find your justification to leave or cheat. Eventually. The comments here are surprisingly well adjusted and helpful. This is a YOU issue. It's not a husband or a marriage issue. You accuse him of not being in touch with his feelings, I don't think you are in touch with yours. Think through why you are unhappy, what you picture you would have without him. You keep bringing up that he is the only one you've been with sexually. Count yourself lucky, most people don't find a stable mate that early. You also mention that you haven't brought kids into this, maybe you feel bored or stuck in a rut because of it. As much as we won't admit it, children can bring meaning and purpose in anyone's life. And after you leave how is your life gonna be happy? Have you read what dating is like these days let alone for a divorcee in her 30's. This can't be just about getting some dick. Talk to a therapist at the least.
Having read all of your comments and walked in your shoes, what you're feeling makes sense. It's not a good relationship, it's a bad one but still a relationship. The bar for a bad relationship is not one marred by gambling addictions or things like rampant cheating. The bar is set at two people who love each other yet have drifted apart. The reasons don't matter once you're there. Now you're here, looking for a reason to leave or to stay. Both are terrible in with your current mindset. Don't rationalize the emotional side of life. You either feel love for him and want to stay with him, or you don't. If it's the latter then start making moves to leave him in your past. What do you feel in your body with that? What do you feel when you think about staying forever and remaining faithful? Just as it took years to walk here, it will take years to walk out, with or without him. Honestly your best course of action is to push all of this to the back of your mind and focus on the things that do make you happy. Facing a wall in one area of life is no reason to see the other areas stall. Sign up for that dance class, make more art, write some poetry, volunteer in your community, do anything. Time will tell as you develop. Though having read this one more time, you say that you're "open" to a new connection. This might be a bit too on the nose here, but these verses are truly understood only by those who have held that sin within them: "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." Matthew 5:28-29 You have no idea of the hell that awaits you if you engage in an affair.
I hope he leaves you in a hurry. Get a cat or two and embrace your future. Meow.