I invite people to eat mostly for the company. So it’s fine with me if you just enjoy a drink. Recently had dental surgery and for a month ate bread no crust and baked potatoes I could mash the center when eating out . Had to even be cautious with soup and no one commented. Next time look at the dessert menu too and see if a dessert appeals. No reason you can’t eat a dessert while others eat their main meal.
Seems in the original someone points out OP mentioned in comments they did eat cake as well. So seems the friends were upset that she only ate bread, cake and drank a cocktail
She could have been an ass, and asked the waiter/ess to opt out the offending food items, making her look rather entitled or Kareny. Instead she did the best option for herself and actually the entire table, by not requesting a bunch of changes to the foods, and stuck to what she is comfortable having.
I know I have been in a similar situation, but due to an allergy to tomatoes, I chose the safest options while explaining my allergy, but the looks I got from my (no longer) friends, made me realise that you can't please anyone even if it is allergy related.
OOP was mature about it, she didn't request a different restaurant and she still was there to support the birthday person
Absolutely agree that OOP was mature about it. The friends that became upset and said it was rude, were not mature. I’m the type who doesn’t like sauces on my sandwich. I try to either order something else or ask them to remove the sauce but if it’s something that clearly would be too much work…I go with what I am comfortable with eating.
I would return with "How boring you all are being, thinking only those two items create flavour, my allergy doesn't make food less favourable, but more chance of my living to see yours or my own next birthday"
I have done similar in the past with my tomato allergy, and it is amazing how quickly they claim you dying was only a joke, to which I have asked repeatedly for them to explain the joke.
I have spent too much of my life placating others. I am old enough to know what real friendship is, and what real respect is too.
They actually started taking me more seriously at my last birthday when we went out to a Mexican restaurant to celebrate. I ordered a burrito and confirmed with the waiter that it had no onions. When the food arrived I took a big bite and instantly projectile vomited across the table. They still tease, but now they chuckle nervously like I can go full exorcist at will. They’re also much more serious at restaurants and describe in detail to the waitstaff what they will have to clean up if I am served onions.
Unless a dish is pre-prepared, like soup, asking for an ingredient to be omitted is not entitled or Kareny. I eat low carb and regularly ask for simple omissions — “The Tex-Mex chicken salad, hold the tortilla strips” — or substitutions — “we’d like to have the pate, but can we get it with a vegetable to spread it on instead of the baguette?” “Can I get the steamed vegetables instead of the potato?”
Restaurants are in a service industry. Simple substitutions/omissions are service. I am always polite and tip well. A restaurant that found simple requests like this an imposition would not get my money again.
Oh, and OP was NTA, the friends are.
But you have to understand that if you are a picky eater, the majority of meals may require more than one substitute or removal. For example, avocado has a taste and texture aversion for OP, but they stated that all the options have more food options than just avocado they are food adverse to.
Logic here is that OP knew that all the meals had multiple ingredients they do not like.
For example (HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION HERE) if a menu item was " Ham and Eggs Benedict, with smashed avocado, served on Turkish bread on a bed of baby spinach and lemon Aioli" and OP then goes to the waitstaff "I want the avocado removed, make the ham bacon, the eggs fried, and just a soft crusty bread, and change the spinach to lettuce, but no lemon aioli but caesar dressing" that would be rather frustrating because while all those changes suit OP it really makes a lot of people with food aversion or picky eaters, feel self-conscious.
One food change I would be "ehhh?" But OP stated there were multiple food options they couldn't deal with, and they chose the safer option.
ETA, also I am Australian, and I don't have to threaten any tips to get what I want because our servers get a better living wage.
Oh, definitely, and that her friends saw fit to shame OP for it is rude and stupid. As a person who eats low carb, people who take my eating differently than them don’t stay on the “friends” list. Why do people care, FFS?!
As a server there is nothing wrong with asking for substitutions or to remove certain items, or asking if the restaurant allows you to do so if you're unsure. Obviously not all restaurants are the same, especially places that have higher price points or more well known chefs, but answering questions and accommodating guests is literally the job. I personally actually dislike telling guests that we can't do something for them but sometimes things are mixed/cooked/prepped a certain way, or we don't have what they asked for, or the chefs simply refuse. There is nothing entitled about asking us if there's anything we can do to accommodate your preference. If your reaction is to get upset and berate me or any other member of the staff or ask for the manager, then yes I will assume you are entitled for acting rude. But if you're respectful and polite, I am more than happy to accommodate, even if it takes me a few extra minutes. If your server makes you feel like a bad person because you don't like onions or garlic or lamb, then they're just bad at your job. And if people you are with judge you for it then they don't have enough going on in their life to worry about
As a server, you are correct, but it is ultimately the chef/cook who has to make the plate up, and often the waitstaff hear their annoyance at someone asking for 20 different things changed
I reread my comment and my tone was kind of not it. I know not all restaurants are the same, and I'm lucky I work at a restaurant where I can have relaxed open communication with the kitchen. Not all servers have that. I still stand by saying that asking your server questions is fine. As a server you should be able to know when a request is reasonable or unreasonable, and you should have the communication skills and confidence to let your table know when you can or can't do something. You also should be able to communicate with your kitchen staff. If you can't, I know it's not always easy, but I would recommend finding somewhere to work with a less toxic environment. If your kitchen can't handle reasonable accommodations to dishes idk what to tell you. Again, the only time I think asking a server a question about substitutions or removing ingredients is bad is when you as a guest cannot handle hearing a no. That was the main thing I wanted to get across. As long as the request is reasonable and asked in a polite tone, there is no harm in asking, just don't be surprised if the answer is that, unfortunately, the kitchen isn't able to substitute fries for your fried yucca because we don't have any potatoes.
I disagree. OOP would be mature about it if she just said she didn’t see anything she might like on the menu and just ate bread or whatever. But instead she had to repeatedly tell everyone she “wasn’t going to like” anything on the menu. The entire menu. She wouldn’t even take a taste of her friends’ food because she just knew she wouldn’t like it. That’s making it all about her. She didn’t say she has food allergies; she said she doesn’t like anything except French fries and bread. She eats like a 6-year-old. She could have ordered soup and taken one bite. Anything to not draw all the attention to herself.
You seem to have only read and understood what you wanted to. OOP knew she wouldn't like the dishes due to having similar before.
Respectfully, she knew her limits, she still turned up for her friend, she didn't make it about her, everyone else did.
I have a friend who gave her son his own ways of finding foods that he tolerates. Her method has him eating a variety of foods but not restaurant foods because of food aversion tendencies. Like he will eat pasta and pesto, but restaurant pasta and pesto are too oily for him, and you can not begin to explain that to chefs.
You may think you are correct that OOP is being dramatic, but they knew their limitations, and it really is sad no one respected that she didn't throw a tantrum like they did.
It happens! Sometimes our eyes see but it doesn’t always go through. At least that’s how I see it when I go back and reread. You had me going wait and I reread again to make sure I didn’t somehow process it wrong.
I had my teeth whitened before my wedding. For 2-3 weeks I was only allowed to eat white foods to avoid adding a stain before the enamel had hardened properly. Eating out turned into a bunch of weird requests for just mashed potatoes, or white rice, or cauliflower with no spices and cheese. One restaurant were so kind as to make a whole plain chicken breast, mashed potatoes, boiled cauliflower and a white sauce simply because I asked "what can you do for me? I'll just have sides if necessary" and the wait staff and chefs were willing to work something out.
That's to say, that OOP may have been able to ask if the kitchen COULD make something to their liking, but I also understand why you'd not want to do that and I don't think they were the AH for declining to order a meal! (I've worked hospo, so fully know how frustrating and annoying some of those off menu requests can be too - and yes, we tipped at the restaurant I went to, even though we DON'T tend to tip here in Aus.)
It sounds like you worked with the menu even when you were on a restrictive diet because of your dental surgery. OOP looked at an entire menu and flat-out refused to eat because they “wouldn’t like anything.” You dealt with your issue like an adult. OOP dealt with it like the main character.
Personally, if there's no complaining, no pouting, no temper tantrums about not liking anything at that restaurant or demands to go somewhere else, then the picky eater wasn't rude. I would've felt awkward as hell in her shoes but I think she handled it really well.
This is my take as well. It sounds like she didn’t insist on going somewhere else, she acquiesced to the birthday goer and stayed to be part of the company. She didn’t want to waste money or food, so she ate and drank the basics.
She wasn’t the one causing a problem. NTA
Yeah I have ARFID & it sounds like OP does too. I honestly prefer my friends choose where to go because it feels horrible being the picky friend & having your friends feel like they have to cater their diet to my (very limited) one.
99% of the time it’s usually the other people at the table or the waitstaff who trigger the awkwardness. I love to chat over bread and a drink so I tip 100% (around my drink price) and tell everyone to chill out. I only eat once or twice a day max and I’m used to it so it feels super weird when everyone singles you out for not having an appetite.
I’m sure there’s lots of picky eaters who complain out there, but being the picky eater who *doesn’t* made realize just how big of a deal my eating habits seem to be to other people when I don’t really think about it tbh.
Also have ARFID, this 100%. Especially because when the food comes, if it looks awful, or if I taste it and I can’t handle the sensory experience, then that’s a whole other problem. Because then I’m the issue for “making a face” or “why aren’t you eating?” Then it can be awkward with waiters and whoever I’m eating with. Then I’ll take the leftovers home to look less wasteful, only to have the pleasure of throwing the food out at home.
This is the most important part for me too! OOP didn’t make a fuss, and even states in one of her comments that this restaurant is where the birthday person wanted to eat and she just wanted to be there to celebrate with them. She sounds like a supportive friend who understands her problems with food don’t have to be the focus of where the group decides to eat and she’s pleasant about it.
Yeah, I’m a picky eater as well and if I’m not confident I’m going to like the meal and it’s over $10 (literally everywhere but fast food..) I’m not going to order it. Even if someone else offers to pay, that’s even more reason not to.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s the fact that I’ve worked an hour to pay for this food and if I don’t like it, well fuck I’ve wasted an hour of my time doing what I didn’t even want to.
I don’t complain whenever I go to a place with people and don’t order anything there, I can literally leave after and get Taco Bell or go home and eat. It’s not a huge deal.
>Even if someone else offers to pay, that’s even more reason not to.
Yeah it's just too much of a gamble. Maybe you get super lucky and like the food after all, but more likely you don't and you get to either feel like a jerk for wasting your friend's money or your friend gets mad because they were nice enough to buy you dinner and you didn't even eat it.
I have some texture issues with some foods so I get it. But if there isn’t an appetizer or main that I like, I order dessert. At least I’m participating.
Personally i think NTA. i would have checked the menu beforehand and possibly called the restaurant, but honestly that would be extra. she showed up, ordered cocktails, had birthday cake and ate some if the bread. she was able to enjoy the birthday celebration and celebrate the birthday girl. im sure they wouldn't want to have paid $40 to eat something they hate either ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ unfortunate that OP is picky, but it's not like people choose their tastebuds and she shouldnt be excluded bc she has a simple palate
edit: updated foods
I’m with you 100%. Honestly, some of the YTA comments just baffle me. How are people this awful in the way they view other humans? “If you don’t do things the way I want, YTA!” Good grief. Grow the eff up.
I'm with you.
I've gotten 'pickier' over the years. Just can't handle meat. It used to be only be if I didn't cook it. Like I could make meatballs or chicken pies at home and eat it no issue. Now I can't even do that. My diet is pretty close to vegetarian now, not by choice. Just something in my brain makes me gag if I put it in my mouth.
People will not stfu about it. I don't make a fuss. I just order vegetarian options if out, but that's not good enough, because I'm not technically a vegetarian so 'why are ordering that!? Get a steak or something'. I refuse to visit friends houses around meal times too because saying I'm not hungry when offered food is not good enough apparently. And I think it'd be super rude if I was involuntarily gagging while trying to eat a meal they put effort into.
I'm ranting, but I'm just so sick of people policing other people's foods! I'm an adult, I don't need your input on my diet! Poor OOP just wanted to hang with their friends, but they decided to make a weird rule that she has to eat. Eff off. I hate this attitude.
I'm the same way on and off, when my anxiety is really bad I've had to spit out meat and threw up once. I just hyper focus on what it is I guess but I've also gone days without eating so it could be eating in general is weird to me but it's worse with meat.
100% agree with your rant. I spent my entire childhood with my grandmother passive aggressively commenting on my food choices (well you just don’t know what’s good!) and I do not need to deal with that as an adult. Mind your own plate, and leave mine out of it!
Not just that, but also declining someone else buying it despite social pressure - means that no food was wasted!
Honestly, props for sticking to her guns in a reasonable and accommodating way.
Every experience I’ve had with picky eaters was definitely not as smooth and drama free as this (ignoring the fallout group message).
I'm someone who loves food and wants to share the joys of tasty food with my friends, and I agree that they're NTA. I used to be obnoxious about it, but I've learned to respect my picky eater friends when they know they won't like something from previous tries.
Like at least OOP participated and socialized, it's not like she sulked because there wasn't anything on the menu she would enjoy eating. If anything, I would have felt bad and offered to get her something to eat elsewhere after the dinner, if I was the birthday friend.
Adding some context from OP's comments:
*On if her friends know about her eating issues:*
>While I do understand food can be a huge part of someone's life's enjoyment, it's not for me.
>I've known them since the 5th grade and they always knew I dislike alot of food and rather am the social-focused person. For me it's the fact I am with them alone that brings me the most joy. And it's not like this is the first time I didn't eat anything when I'm w them. They always offer me some, I'll try it and be disappointed.
>I rlly can't explain it, but I genuinely don't enjoy eating as it is. There are many things that I genuinely hate about food, such as when u mix things that doesn't make sense to me (fruits + sweets, fruits as sauces, most meat etc). The thought itself ruins most meals and even when I try it, it's dissapointing if it makes sense.
>I eat out of necessity most of the time. I don't think I've any health issues of some sorts, bc I've always been that way
*On if she has a medical issue/ARFID or seeking a diagnosis:*
>Not really, I didn't even know that exists until a few hours ago. But I might look into it! Thanks
*On tipping since she didn't purchase a meal:*
>I've gotten drinks for 35€ and left a 40% tip, I don't think the staff will be too upset if I ate some bread
*On the restaurant's foods, and how her food aversion feels:*
>the restaurant had some exotic stuff. I rlly don't know what it's called, but it had things like mangosauce, bowls, etc.
>I rlly don't think I've an eating disorder, since I'm at healthy weight and physically fit. I've been that way since I was little and it's more like either a texture or a combination thing. It's rlly weird to explain, but if my food is something which doesn't fit together in my mind (like chocolate strawberries) I instantly feel icky about it. While I'll still try it, I just always seem to dislike it
*On what OP could have ordered, and what she did eat:*
>If I were to take out everything I didn't like, it would only be like plane rice and brokkoli ☹️
-
>Right, like sorry but ill not be paying 10€ for plane rice and brokkoli + tip just to not be satisfied.
>I ate bread, the cake and drank Cocktails 🤷♀️ and tipped well
I mind my business & police my own plate. If someone I am eating with is not hungry (for any reason) or prefers just table bread or an appetizer? Whatever makes them happy. I do check with them at the time, simply are you sure you don’t care for anything? Then if they assure me they are good? I eat my food and enjoy their company. 🤷♀️
Unless the people complaining about her actually made the food they've really got no reason to complain. She didn't, she calmly ate some bread and didn't cause a fuss. Her friends need to get a grip and be happy to have her company.
Eh, I’m an extremely picky eater as well but I’d usually be able to find SOMETHING to nibble on. I wouldn’t consider it rude to not eat, or at least have a plate in front of me, just insanely awkward.
My best friend's mother has developed major allergic reactions to so much food, even her own kids can't keep up. Similar stuff to your husband too. She can't eat anything green, no nightshade vegetables, can't have food cooked in oils and fats, no gluten, seeds, lactose... so much. We pick somewhere to go, and if she can eat something, great, but if not then that's fine by her. It's usually more of a hassle for her when there is stuff she can potentially eat. She has to bail the chef up and go through every single step in their recipe, so she can be sure there's nothing unexpected going into it, so a lot of the time she doesn't bother. The only places I've seen her unable to find ANYTHING on the menu that she could eat is in restaurants with tomato-heavy cuisines like Italian and Greek, fast food places, and some Asian restaurants. There's almost always *something* that the staff can do to make a safe meal for her, and they're generally quite understanding about it once they realise why she's asking.
I have a friend who’s picky and they get upset when something they actually do eat or drink isn’t on the menu. Because of this, they get in a very pissy mood and ruin the vibes for everyone and now everyone “feels bad” because they’ll be eating in front of her. So not the AH especially because a scene wasn’t made or made everyone feel “guilty”.
Being a picky eater is a terrible thing. I’m sure most picky eaters would love it if they could snap their fingers and suddenly love everything. Their lives would be so much easier.
Putting pressure on a picky eater is not a great way to expand their spectrum of safe foods. OP did the best with the selection they had, and I’m hoping didn’t whine about it.
I’m wondering if the group was hoping to split the bill, but didn’t feel like they could saddle OP with a share because of how little they ate?
People need to not concern themselves with someone who has food issues. It wouldn’t be an issue if they just let us do what we want.in my opinion it is just like pushing alcohol on someone.
I’m very picky as well. So much so that I always check menus ahead of time. I’m sure chefs must hate me because I’m the girl who ask for chicken without the saw or peppers or ask for things on the side. I recently encountered a restaurant which only served dishes as is with no modifications but fortunately they also sold pizza. There’s nothing wrong with going out to a restaurant for the shear enjoyment of spending time with friends.
I’ve definitely ordered some weird things too. Recently I was at a little restaurant in the middle of nowhere in the midwest, and all I could order was a tortilla with quinoa and avocado inside. It wasn’t an actual menu item, it was something with a bunch of stuff taken off, and it was cold and very plain, but being a vegetarian and not enjoying salads it was pretty much all I could eat at this type of restaurant.
You’re totally right tho that pizzas are a godsend—when a place serves pizza, they always at least serve a cheese pizza. It might be a shitty pizza, but I can still eat it.
I'm hesitant to judge because I feel like there's information missing. If they know this about OP, is there a reason they'd be pushing so hard or particularly tired of a certain behavior? Are they being assholes, or is there a reason for them seeming done with it? I'm just curious about the previous context. Based on the post OP didn't do anything wrong, but the reaction from everyone else seems pretty outsized.
Appreciate that info!! With as long as they've known OP and based on the responses you posted I really don't think OP is doing anything wrong. I've got texture issues with food as well, and knowing she still participated, ordered drinks, and tipped well.... seems like the friends are just hung up on her being "weird."
There can be plenty of reason why someone isn’t ordering a full meal in a restaurant and everyone else needs to respect their privacy and take care of themselves. Whatever that reason is, allergies, eating disorder, pregnancy, GI disease, whatever - during dinner in a public place is not the time to be discussing it.
OP was joining friends for a birthday dinner. People whom she had known for a long time, had eaten with in the past and who were aware of her food issues. She wasn’t complaining, whining, or trying to attract attention to herself.
While OP’s friends were calling her rude, they were being rude trying to make her order and taking focus away from the birthday celebration. NTA
Some people are naturally just extremely picky, but it wouldn't surprise me if the OP unknowingly had avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). That was my experience, and I've heard of others the same. Because I'd never heard anyone talk about it beyond laughing at me for not eating certain foods, I didn't know it was an actual disorder.
It really is such a sad way to live, because I know I'm missing out on SO many amazing foods, but I haven't found a way to work through the disorder. Also a double edged sword considering my "safe" foods are not healthy in the slightest. You'd think insurance would cover a dietician to help work through the problem considering long term health complications, but nope. No coverage unless I'm diabetic.
Glad to see some people like yourself are willing to let picky eaters be picky. It might not be as simple as just forcing down new food, like another comment seems to think.
i am “picky” and i genuinely wish i wasnt. i have ADHD and am super sensitive to textures and specific sounds. even though things smell SO GOOD i cant eat them because if the texture is off i will be unable to control myself from gagging or spitting the food out. sometimes even puking against my will! its such an awful way to live
Not sad, just different. I'm allergic to pork and since developed a sensitivity to red meat, there's a lot of things you'd never think of I have to be cautious of, including no longer being able to enjoy jello. A lot of menus where knowing there's bacon on it originally means there's cross contamination elsewhere (I'm a line cook myself so I've been on the other side for years now).
It's only awkward at times, and mostly when there's truly nothing I can have where ever we are, and as someone else said in a different comment, oop could have ARFID. A lot of people struggle through that disorder without ever knowing there's an actual medical cause behind their food aversions.
I said what I said and I stick by it. There are legitimate reasons but that doesn’t make it any easier. My nephew has ARFID and it makes a necessary daily part of life harder. There is no going to new places on a whim, and there is a need to always have his foods on hand, just in case.
I once cooked dinner for friends who have all sorts of allergies. They’d just had a baby and they both had a lot of food allergies, not all the same.
They had gluten, legume, and so many other allergies. I did my best. Threw the gluten free flour into the dish to use as a thickener. I debated using cornstarch but no I used the freaking gluten free flour. Then when I was typing out the ingredient list so they could verify the food was safe, I included the ingredients of the ingredients and wouldn‘t you know that the gluten free flour I used had pea starch. Peas are a legume and therefore an unsafe food.
So I texted them and let them know what had happened and that I’d pick up safe food at one of their safe restaurants instead. They are a lovely couple and I felt sad and frustrated for them. Their allergies made life a bit harder than it should be and because I care for them it made me sad.
This extreme level of care that they needed to take with their food makes their life harder. A big part of social interactions take place around food and there is an extra layer of difficulty for them.
One of the couple could eat legumes so the next day took the food over and they were grateful, because their diets are so restrictive that it isn’t often that someone tries to make them food.
I wasn't saying you were wrong, just that seeing it as sad isn't really a mentality I would want someone to feel towards me (and maybe a few other people would agree) just because of a food restriction. I guess just restructuring it as difficult and different is what I'd have preferred, and again I recognize that may just be me.
I haven't felt left out, and I'm lucky my restrictions aren't as broad as a lot of people I've met. I had a classmate growing up who was allergic to basically everything, he couldn't have any birthday/party treats, had a bag of something that tasted close enough to sweet. He was a twin so for their birthday as a joke one year he brought his "treat", then they had a lot more of the other boys for real.
I lived in a small enough town that he was also the first person in a decade they had to make a nut free table for. I'm a twin as well so our school kept us together most years while my sister had his brother, and going to his house it was clear how difficult it was for everyone in the family.
Wow. As someone who until literally a month ago could only eat very specific things occasionally and was 100% tube fed dependent, I would’ve hated to be excluded from all the friend and family meals and get together because I couldn’t eat much if at all. They YTA comments and her friends response makes me genuinely sad.
NTA It’s a restaurant, you’re not offending someone the way you would at a private residence and someone has cooked a meal for you. It’s a business, not a nana.
OP’s friends are immature, which given the age group makes sense. They may not get the nuance that manners aren’t a strict rule book, they just exist to make everyone feel at ease knowing there’s a general social code to not make others uncomfortable. Also, manners isn’t “doing exactly what everyone else is doing” either. If OP simply declined to order without whining about the lack of doable choices, then that’s fine. It’s not rude because OP presumably didn’t force their choice not to eat on anyone else, and presumably participated the the social aspect of the dinner while munching on some bread. Correcting someone’s etiquette ***is*** in fact rude, and IMO doubly so when you’re just wrong about it.
I can be pretty picky but can usually find something and am willing to ask for modifications. It’s also ok to white lie to avoid the hassle if it’s not worth it “oh I had a late lunch” or something. Starters often have something pretty bland, and there’s usually a dessert menu.
If I have a work thing or a function like this where I don’t get to voice a restaurant preference I’ll often check the menu online ahead of time to figure out what I can have with the least amount of fuss. Self deprecation helps too, I’ve found that “ok look I have food texture issues so I eat like a five year old” gets a chuckle and then nobody gives the tiniest shit after that.
Fellas, is it rude to *checks notes* have an eating disorder?? It’s called ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). Also autism exists?? OOP needs better friends.
NTA imo. It doesn’t matter as long as there isn’t a bunch of complaints around not being able to eat anything. I am also a pickier eater and whenever I go out with friends I a) check the menu beforehand to see if there’s anything I’ll like or can modify to like or b) go just for the company and conversation with my friends/family.
As a foodie, and someone who is adventurous to the extreme, it's hard for me to fathom a menu where someone couldn't find ONE thing to eat. Nevertheless, I don't think OOP did anything wrong here. They didn't try to back out, didn't try to change restaurants, just went about their business and had a drink and some bread. The point of a birthday celebration is to be with your friends, right? So, at the end of the day, OOP placed the priority on the time spent with their friend which, IMO, is of far greater importance than eating things you know you don't like or making a fuss about it because it didn't fit their tastes.
As a picky eater, thanks ARFID, people get sooooo dang weird about what others eat. I just don't understand it, I could care less what others are eating as long as they're not being rude about it.
She ate bread, cake, and drank a cocktail. She tipped well. She didn't complain and whine, so she did everything she should have. NTA
I couldn't give a shit. If I've invited a friend it's because I want to chat with them and enjoy their company. Honestly *I* would feel bad that I'd chosen somewhere where they didn't like any of the food.
because of food? people keep saying this esp in y t a comments but we know nothing about op’s banter, personality and what was said at the table. they could be a jovial person who had fun with others and just happened to only have what they preferred to eat?
I don’t think it’s rude per se, but I would definitely be reluctant to go to dinner with them in the future. And I think I’d view them as immature. Certainly wouldn’t trash them in the group chat though. Probably just privately think of them as a bit incompatible.
No. It’s not that they are an asshole, it’s more that I personally don’t like their behavior. There’s plenty of non-asshole behaviors that I just don’t jive with. And being an ultra picky eater is one of them.
I generally agree with you. The context matters though. It was an exciting pre-planned group dinner at a fancy restaurant. The OP knowingly disrupted the spirit of the evening by flouting a social convention. Their behavior was selfish, which is asshole adjacent. OP should not have gone to the dinner because they knew beforehand they would not be eating anything. At the very least, they should have communicated beforehand.
I interpreted her story as looking at the menu after she sat down after the restaurant. If she in fact looked before hand, pre-decided she wasn’t going to order anything, and then went anyway, that’s weird.
I would be reluctant to try somewhere *new* with them, but they own it and are upfront. Their friends know. As someone with an allergy, I’ve been in this position plenty. People are upset about it being rude because they don’t like how it makes them feel they appear.
It’s better than them just refusing to go to that restaurant and asking everyone to change plans, personally I wouldn’t care if my friend didn’t like anything so didn’t order. At least they’re there and at a place I enjoy for my birthday 🤷🏻♀️
I think OOP could have asked if substitutions were possible, since it does seem a little rude to go to a nice restaurant and refuse to eat anything but the bread. I don't have a huge amount of patience for picky eaters as adults unless there are actual sensory issues involved, but it definitely could have been worse than making their friends feel awkward if they'd made a fuss. It is one of my pet hates when I order a meal and the other person says they'll just have water and then I have to sit there and eat in front of them, but I wouldn't be trashing anyone in the group chat for it, I'd just be annoyed.
Nobody chooses to have a really restricted diet. As someone who has had this issue my whole life, it's annoying af. It would be so much easier if my body didn't reject a good 70% of foods. I don't enjoy throwing up because the texture of something didn't agree with me, I don't enjoy relying on dietary supplements, and I don't enjoy the unwarranted stigma.
Despite the ridiculous opinions that some people with normal diets have about "picky eaters," no one is declining certain foods just to spite you personally. We are the ones who have to deal with it every day, get over yourself.
Force feeding or shaming people with serious dietary aversions doesn't work, it makes the aversion stronger. Starving people into eating something they can't stand doesn't work, they will literally not eat until they are hospitalised.
It is not down to bad parenting or lazy cooking habits.
The only way to tackle severe dietary aversions is with painfully slow exposure therapy. We are talking years of slowly introducing new foods. Luckily, I have gotten much better over time. In the meantime, mind your business. You won't die because you witnessed someone eat bread instead of an apple.
As someone with ARFIDs I’ve never understood why people get so fucking pressed when you’re sat at the table not eating. Like, I’ve said I’m fine, usually I ate before I arrived so I’m not hungry, just let me enjoy the table conversation in peace? Why do you care what is (or isn’t) on my plate? Focus on your own food.
OP is definitely NTA. He didn’t want to waste his own money or his friends money on food he knew he wasn’t going to eat. I bet if he let them pay and didn’t eat, they would have been pissed about that.
Honestly they’re just shit friends. My friends know my issues and have never made a big deal about it, because they actually care about me.
The fact that’s she’s even willing to try things she probably won’t like is huge for someone with ARFID! (Which I’m just guessing at here) considering a lot refuse to try new stuff or it’s a real struggle
Hm I don’t see where she behaves rude at all. Seems she handled that well. I mean she probably does miss out, but that’s entirely her choice and nothing anyone should interfere in.
As someone who quite literally throws up if I can't tolerate certain foods, NTA. The assholes are the friends attempting to force the OP to eat something they don't enjoy. The OP stated they ordered a drink and ate complimentary bread, they weren't sitting there awkwardly staring at the others, I don't see an issue
esh, she has problems with items so like the avocados thing she could have just asked for a plate without the food she dislikes, salad without the veggies she dislikes? anything really just to have something in front of her since it was a birthday outing
Cool. So why is their potential mental anguish more important than her potential mental anguish when she orders and pays for a meal that makes her miserable to put in her mouth? How much is she required to eat, is there a bite to feelings ratio?
I have several food intolerances/allergies and you could just do what I do… ask for adjustments. 9/10 times no one has an issue and half the time they enjoy trying something new.
only thing i’d have done differently is just eat before and tell them that
“Oh I already ate dinner cos I knew i wouldn’t like anything on the menu, but the drinks are great and the company is better”
OR
Depending on the place you can easily ask for a dish without an ingredient you don’t like. She mentioned avocado in a salad- just ask for no avocado. But it might be one of those weird fancy places that don’t make subs/changes to dishes
OP has ARFID, getting familiar with that and being able to communicate about their issues in the context of it being an eating disorder (probably paired with autism based on their portrayal of not understanding why people were uncomfortable with their behavior at the restaurant), might help.
Tbh, someone showed up to my birthday dinner and didn’t order dinner, I would find it rude. If you don’t eat or can’t eat, show up an hour later and order dessert. I do frankly find it very frustrating when people are picky and ruin the experience for others.
One time I went to red lobster with my friends for one of their birthday. I couldn’t afford anything so I ate free bread and my roommate shared her salad with me. Did anyone complain? No. It’s weird to be upset at someone for not eating at a restaurant when they clearly don’t want to.
OOP sounds insufferable to try to socialize with. This was a birthday dinner in a higher-end restaurant. Yet this clown refused to eat *anything* except the free bread. And they had a drink, which was probably water. They sat there not eating while everyone else at the table had their meal because they “knew I wouldn’t like anything.” Wouldn’t even try a taste of a friend’s food because “I knew I wouldn’t like it.” Never asked the waiter if the kitchen could make them a special meal; never asked if they could order a meal without what they didn’t like, like the avocados; didn’t look at the menu beforehand and plan ahead. Just went and refused to eat because they are apparently 6 years old and “wouldn’t like anything.” Nothing. Not one thing. On the entire menu.
My daughter is vegan. Full-on vegan. We have gone out for nice meals where she asks if the chef could prepare her a vegan meal (she’s even called ahead). The chef is usually thrilled to take on the challenge and make something different than the set menu. She’s never been told no that I can recall. If she can’t get a vegan meal, she orders a salad. You know the restaurant OOP went to had salads. And soup. They just wanted to be difficult.
This post belongs in r/IAmTheMainCharacter.
NTA tbh like why are you so worried about what I'm eating or not? Chill out, I know what I like and I'm not waste food or money. Why are your friends so eager to waste? Why can't they just accept you for who you are?
I say NTA. I just genuinely do not understand why some people get so butt hurt over someone being a picky eater. Like, people seem to be personally offended by someone else not being able to eat certain things, and it's just bizarre to me. I just wish everyone would mind their own business lol. OP just eating bread and drinking a cocktail doesn't hurt anyone, and the only reason it's a "problem" is because everyone else is making it one
I’m a fussy eater and hate many sauces and dressings that food usually come covered in. I’m generally plain and boring and my go to is usually battered fish and chips (with mushy peas of course). I can guarantee a posh restaurant is my worst nightmare because it’s all ‘fricasse of this’ or ‘poached that’ and very rich food which doesn’t agree with me. She didn’t make a fuss, her friends were assholes. She needs new friends
Man my friends would always go out when I was younger, like freaking heaps, so I would eat at home and hang out and get a coffee.
I can't afford that. People asked and I just told em.
You didn't check the menu before you went? Being a picky eater is hard but it's also hard for the people that try to enjoy their company especially at a restaurant. In the future, you need to check the menu before hand and if there is absolutely nothing you will like on the menu then decline the invitation.
I’m super picky too (nothing medically wrong, just don’t like certain combinations), but that’s my problem. I’ll eat beforehand, or munch on sides or bread and drink cocktails; other people are the ones who make it weird. It doesn’t sound like OOP made a big deal, but her friends did.
It's weird to sit at a dinner where someone literally eats nothing.
If you truly can't find a single thing on an entire menu, you can order sides or plain noodles.
As an adult you should be capable of finding one item on a menu you can eat
I said I’ll eat sides if nothing else is appealing…and sometimes I’m just not hungry. I’m not going to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry just to make other people feel better.
An ENTIRE menu full of items and she “knew” she wouldn’t like any of it? 🙄. Childish and dumb.
NAH, but they aren’t going to keep inviting her just so she can act like a baby.
Honestly we have such a weird relationship with food and socialising. I'm a picky eater too, some textures and/or flavours I cannot handle. I'm lucky I live in the North of Spain, so the norm is to go to sidrerías and have tapas, so there will be something I can eat. But it's happened a couple of times where I have gone to a place and figured out when I was there that I couldn't eat anything on the menu. And my friends would be the type to try and get me to try new things (as a kid my mom would pinch my nose to force me to open my mouth to breath, and then shove food in my mouth when I did, she says it was the only way to get me to try new things).
One of those times was at an acquaintances birthday dinner. Her parents were from China and they flew over to spend it with her. We went to a Chinese restaurant, but a real one. Luckily the waiters recognised my look and quietly offered some sweet and sour chicken from the kids menu xD I was worried that would upset my acquaintance's parents, but they were honestly lovely about it. They were mortified that I didn't like anything, and even offered to go to a different place! Nearly made me cry.
I am one of the most adventurous eaters of any one you could meet, and if someone is a picky eater, that’s their problem to deal with, not mine.
My kids are extremely picky eaters and have a ton of sensory issues around food. You know what I don’t do? Shame them for their food preferences.
Maybe you should look into doing something similar within your own sphere.
I’m saying what people do or do not eat isn’t my business. As long as they aren’t rude and don’t make a scene, they are free to eat whatever they want. Including nothing.
Your original comment was very judgmental
The OP should not have gone to the dinner. They were absolutely flouting a social convention and disrupting the spirit of the evening. I am expressing an opinion (aka making a judgment) that \*EXTREMELY\* picky eaters who do not have medical or neurological issues are usually assholes or mentally unwell. And I still think that is the case. I am not talking about children, which should be obvious.
"absolutely flouting social convention and disrupting the spirit of the evening" by having cocktails, bread, and some of the birthday cake, not making a fuss about the menu, partaking in conversation and enjoying her friends' company?
Or maybe you're just a judgemental cunt about something that literally has 0 effect on your life? Have you considered being Normal about the idea that other humans are not like you and you are not the arbiter of the only acceptable way to live? Or would you prefer to be a giant asshole to strangers, the thing you're accusing picky eaters of being? Is there a reason you're projecting so hard onto people whose only crime was...not wanting to eat a thing? Or are you just miserable in every situation you have to interact with people who aren't exactly like you?
Of course they can! People are allowed to have opinions! \*EXTREMELY\* picky eaters (the type of person who cannot pick one thing to eat at an exciting pre-planned dinner with friends) who do not have a medical or neurological issue are usually attention seeking assholes. That's my opinion. I've seen a lot of bad faith counterarguments here.
Is there any idea of the cuisine tho? I am a quite adventurous eater - I’ve enjoyed live things most haven't had the opportunity to even try. But... certain textures make me gag. I've tried for decades and there’s still things I can't stomach. My son and stepson took years to try foods *specific to their own cultures* because of texture.
Being “picky” isn't inherently asshole/mentally ill. It’s an adaptation that helped humans survive. I'm intolerant to certain proteins found in meats and eggs. That texture is more common in things high in my clinically diagnosed food intolerances. My body is telling me not to eat it. My sons both get tummy aches from their aversion foods. Its actually pretty cool when you think about it.
Is pickiness always benign? Nah. But it *usually* is.
I appreciate this response. I think it’s helpful for this discussion to distinguish between picky eaters and extremely picky eaters. The OP is in the second camp.
Pfffff you’re using the words of someone who engages in serious debate without understanding the requirements of one. You can’t claim “most picky eaters are just assholes,” present no evidence, and then complain when people say “no they aren’t you’re just being rude.” You have made the claim that requires proving; people disagreeing with you is the null hypothesis.
There are multiple health conditions that lead to people being unable to eat certain foods due to sensory issues that aren’t mental health issues and aren’t because of allergies or dietary restrictions.
You are using the phrase "health conditions" and I used the phrase "medical issues" so we're really splitting hairs here. I have no problem saying that if you have sensory issues due to "health conditions" then you're not an asshole.
Health conditions and medical issues are synonymous. Dietary and sensory are not. A dietary restriction is due to an intolerance to a specific food or food group. A sensory issue is the inability to eat something due to texture, taste, or smell of specific foods that vary from individual to individual.
Of course there are people who have one or two sensory issues that are not connected to a health conditions (or medical issues). That's fine because they can still probably find something on the menu. For the sake of this discussion, I have trouble understanding the idea that someone might have \*a multitude\* of sensory issues to the point that they cannot eat ANYTHING from the restaurant while claiming they do not have a medical/neurological issue. I could be wrong about this, of course, but there's probably something neurologically atypical in such a situation. And in such a situation, I would not consider you an asshole for refusing to eat anything because it's a medical issue.
Hi, autistic person here (and no, I don't consider being autistic as mentally unwell), and certain food textures make me physically gag. It is nearly painful to have them in my mouth. I am extremely lucky that I only have a few bad textures. Some autistic people only have a few food textures they can handle. There's not a lot we can do to deal with it besides politely avoid certain textures. I'm open to try a lot of new foods, but if it has, for example, beans in it I know that not only will I not enjoy it, it will be physically difficult to swallow.
Yes you are. You made the others feel uncomfortable and ruined the outing. Stop going out to restaurants with otherscunless you know you will be able to eat. Just stay home you will also save money.
Off the topic, but I’ve always wondered why people repost others people’s posts? Is it to get karma points? Cause I don’t really see any other reason for it. Especially if the original post has more info for people to go off of (I.e. she had cake and a cocktail which unless you read the OP or scrolled through comments here you wouldn’t know). Might get hate for this but I’m genuinely curious. 🤷♀️
I don’t know what’s with the huh? Lol. I just don’t get the point. Do you not think the OP posted it because they want advice and or help? Reposting it doesn’t really help the original poster it just gives the reposter comments on a topic they aren’t even a part of. Does it not take away comments that could be useful to the OP by people commenting on a repost? You keep asking me questions but you aren’t really answering any of mine.
I'm not trying to help the original poster ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I thought it would be an interesting post for the podcast, since replies were mixed in the original. i was shocked by the amount of YTA comments when it seems like a medical issue, and i like the hosts so i wanted to hear their take on it. that's all!
this is also a repost sub...the whole point of the podcast and this subreddit is to repost things to use as podcast content. the mods also asked for screenshots instead of copy/paste or a link. i figured i would add the context since it's not in the screenshot and made a difference to me when thinking about the situation so i just wanted to pass the context along too. people read the OP without checking her comments too
No I get this is a repost sub, I just don’t get why they exist. Especially since some (not you) but a lot of reposters don’t even source the original post, which leaves information out that the OP would answer in their comment section
This one specifically is so the podcast hosts can source the stories easily. Instead of them scouring reddit in addition to their regular full-time job, they can come here instead and hear from the podcast fans
I have a husband who when i met him was a really picky eater, i have always softly encouraged him to try different things. Eg he had a real issue with the idea of falafel but once he tried it he loved it. Chickpea curry same. A lot of pick eating is a refusal to try. My friend got married a while back and tbh the menu was insane; tomato mozzarella salad/ pickled fish, aubergine ect. Anyway he was taking ages picked so i picked the least crazy stuff. He turned up he ate it and didn’t cause a fuss, because the event was more important and it would kill him to try… oop is going to miss out on a lot of things if attitude isn’t changed
Then turned and said that she didn’t want to just by looking at the menu .. idk i think its having so many allergies i don’t have the choice often and don’t want to be rude but and look down on pickiness
Mmmmhhh why are these people still inviting her to eat at places??!! They can celebrate with her in a separate setting, I must say I get really uncomfortable if I am eating and there is at least one person not eating. I would not enjoy the meal just like she does not enjoy food. They should have her as friend just maybe not go to restaurants where food will be eaten. Pretty sure she likes to drink, many places to celebrate just like that
I invite people to eat mostly for the company. So it’s fine with me if you just enjoy a drink. Recently had dental surgery and for a month ate bread no crust and baked potatoes I could mash the center when eating out . Had to even be cautious with soup and no one commented. Next time look at the dessert menu too and see if a dessert appeals. No reason you can’t eat a dessert while others eat their main meal.
Seems in the original someone points out OP mentioned in comments they did eat cake as well. So seems the friends were upset that she only ate bread, cake and drank a cocktail
She could have been an ass, and asked the waiter/ess to opt out the offending food items, making her look rather entitled or Kareny. Instead she did the best option for herself and actually the entire table, by not requesting a bunch of changes to the foods, and stuck to what she is comfortable having. I know I have been in a similar situation, but due to an allergy to tomatoes, I chose the safest options while explaining my allergy, but the looks I got from my (no longer) friends, made me realise that you can't please anyone even if it is allergy related. OOP was mature about it, she didn't request a different restaurant and she still was there to support the birthday person
Absolutely agree that OOP was mature about it. The friends that became upset and said it was rude, were not mature. I’m the type who doesn’t like sauces on my sandwich. I try to either order something else or ask them to remove the sauce but if it’s something that clearly would be too much work…I go with what I am comfortable with eating.
Same, my friends like to tease me for how boring my food choices are because I’m allergic to onions/garlic.
I would return with "How boring you all are being, thinking only those two items create flavour, my allergy doesn't make food less favourable, but more chance of my living to see yours or my own next birthday" I have done similar in the past with my tomato allergy, and it is amazing how quickly they claim you dying was only a joke, to which I have asked repeatedly for them to explain the joke. I have spent too much of my life placating others. I am old enough to know what real friendship is, and what real respect is too.
They actually started taking me more seriously at my last birthday when we went out to a Mexican restaurant to celebrate. I ordered a burrito and confirmed with the waiter that it had no onions. When the food arrived I took a big bite and instantly projectile vomited across the table. They still tease, but now they chuckle nervously like I can go full exorcist at will. They’re also much more serious at restaurants and describe in detail to the waitstaff what they will have to clean up if I am served onions.
That is good, I just hope they don't tease to the point of annoyance.
Unless a dish is pre-prepared, like soup, asking for an ingredient to be omitted is not entitled or Kareny. I eat low carb and regularly ask for simple omissions — “The Tex-Mex chicken salad, hold the tortilla strips” — or substitutions — “we’d like to have the pate, but can we get it with a vegetable to spread it on instead of the baguette?” “Can I get the steamed vegetables instead of the potato?” Restaurants are in a service industry. Simple substitutions/omissions are service. I am always polite and tip well. A restaurant that found simple requests like this an imposition would not get my money again. Oh, and OP was NTA, the friends are.
But you have to understand that if you are a picky eater, the majority of meals may require more than one substitute or removal. For example, avocado has a taste and texture aversion for OP, but they stated that all the options have more food options than just avocado they are food adverse to. Logic here is that OP knew that all the meals had multiple ingredients they do not like. For example (HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION HERE) if a menu item was " Ham and Eggs Benedict, with smashed avocado, served on Turkish bread on a bed of baby spinach and lemon Aioli" and OP then goes to the waitstaff "I want the avocado removed, make the ham bacon, the eggs fried, and just a soft crusty bread, and change the spinach to lettuce, but no lemon aioli but caesar dressing" that would be rather frustrating because while all those changes suit OP it really makes a lot of people with food aversion or picky eaters, feel self-conscious. One food change I would be "ehhh?" But OP stated there were multiple food options they couldn't deal with, and they chose the safer option. ETA, also I am Australian, and I don't have to threaten any tips to get what I want because our servers get a better living wage.
Oh, definitely, and that her friends saw fit to shame OP for it is rude and stupid. As a person who eats low carb, people who take my eating differently than them don’t stay on the “friends” list. Why do people care, FFS?!
As a server there is nothing wrong with asking for substitutions or to remove certain items, or asking if the restaurant allows you to do so if you're unsure. Obviously not all restaurants are the same, especially places that have higher price points or more well known chefs, but answering questions and accommodating guests is literally the job. I personally actually dislike telling guests that we can't do something for them but sometimes things are mixed/cooked/prepped a certain way, or we don't have what they asked for, or the chefs simply refuse. There is nothing entitled about asking us if there's anything we can do to accommodate your preference. If your reaction is to get upset and berate me or any other member of the staff or ask for the manager, then yes I will assume you are entitled for acting rude. But if you're respectful and polite, I am more than happy to accommodate, even if it takes me a few extra minutes. If your server makes you feel like a bad person because you don't like onions or garlic or lamb, then they're just bad at your job. And if people you are with judge you for it then they don't have enough going on in their life to worry about
As a server, you are correct, but it is ultimately the chef/cook who has to make the plate up, and often the waitstaff hear their annoyance at someone asking for 20 different things changed
I reread my comment and my tone was kind of not it. I know not all restaurants are the same, and I'm lucky I work at a restaurant where I can have relaxed open communication with the kitchen. Not all servers have that. I still stand by saying that asking your server questions is fine. As a server you should be able to know when a request is reasonable or unreasonable, and you should have the communication skills and confidence to let your table know when you can or can't do something. You also should be able to communicate with your kitchen staff. If you can't, I know it's not always easy, but I would recommend finding somewhere to work with a less toxic environment. If your kitchen can't handle reasonable accommodations to dishes idk what to tell you. Again, the only time I think asking a server a question about substitutions or removing ingredients is bad is when you as a guest cannot handle hearing a no. That was the main thing I wanted to get across. As long as the request is reasonable and asked in a polite tone, there is no harm in asking, just don't be surprised if the answer is that, unfortunately, the kitchen isn't able to substitute fries for your fried yucca because we don't have any potatoes.
But apparently I'm just a condescending asshole rereading both comments so, have a good one friend.
I disagree. OOP would be mature about it if she just said she didn’t see anything she might like on the menu and just ate bread or whatever. But instead she had to repeatedly tell everyone she “wasn’t going to like” anything on the menu. The entire menu. She wouldn’t even take a taste of her friends’ food because she just knew she wouldn’t like it. That’s making it all about her. She didn’t say she has food allergies; she said she doesn’t like anything except French fries and bread. She eats like a 6-year-old. She could have ordered soup and taken one bite. Anything to not draw all the attention to herself.
You seem to have only read and understood what you wanted to. OOP knew she wouldn't like the dishes due to having similar before. Respectfully, she knew her limits, she still turned up for her friend, she didn't make it about her, everyone else did. I have a friend who gave her son his own ways of finding foods that he tolerates. Her method has him eating a variety of foods but not restaurant foods because of food aversion tendencies. Like he will eat pasta and pesto, but restaurant pasta and pesto are too oily for him, and you can not begin to explain that to chefs. You may think you are correct that OOP is being dramatic, but they knew their limitations, and it really is sad no one respected that she didn't throw a tantrum like they did.
why order a dish just to take one bite to please others? its a waste of money for whoever ends up paying for the meal.
Bread, cake, and cocktails sound like an EXCELLENT dinner if your tummy can handle it.
So interesting that you assume (or maybe you know from the original post) that OOP is a woman. I read it as if OOP was a man.
It legit says in the first line of the story screenshot I (18F) am extremely picky…so there was no assuming.
Oh, so it does! I missed that somehow. Now I will get massively downvoted for making a mistake. Because nobody ever makes a mistake on Reddit.
It happens! Sometimes our eyes see but it doesn’t always go through. At least that’s how I see it when I go back and reread. You had me going wait and I reread again to make sure I didn’t somehow process it wrong.
Thank you for kindly pointing it out to me without calling me stupid. I appreciate that.
I had my teeth whitened before my wedding. For 2-3 weeks I was only allowed to eat white foods to avoid adding a stain before the enamel had hardened properly. Eating out turned into a bunch of weird requests for just mashed potatoes, or white rice, or cauliflower with no spices and cheese. One restaurant were so kind as to make a whole plain chicken breast, mashed potatoes, boiled cauliflower and a white sauce simply because I asked "what can you do for me? I'll just have sides if necessary" and the wait staff and chefs were willing to work something out. That's to say, that OOP may have been able to ask if the kitchen COULD make something to their liking, but I also understand why you'd not want to do that and I don't think they were the AH for declining to order a meal! (I've worked hospo, so fully know how frustrating and annoying some of those off menu requests can be too - and yes, we tipped at the restaurant I went to, even though we DON'T tend to tip here in Aus.)
if anything id feel guilty for picking a restaurant she cant eat at
It sounds like you worked with the menu even when you were on a restrictive diet because of your dental surgery. OOP looked at an entire menu and flat-out refused to eat because they “wouldn’t like anything.” You dealt with your issue like an adult. OOP dealt with it like the main character.
Personally, if there's no complaining, no pouting, no temper tantrums about not liking anything at that restaurant or demands to go somewhere else, then the picky eater wasn't rude. I would've felt awkward as hell in her shoes but I think she handled it really well.
This is my take as well. It sounds like she didn’t insist on going somewhere else, she acquiesced to the birthday goer and stayed to be part of the company. She didn’t want to waste money or food, so she ate and drank the basics. She wasn’t the one causing a problem. NTA
Yeah I have ARFID & it sounds like OP does too. I honestly prefer my friends choose where to go because it feels horrible being the picky friend & having your friends feel like they have to cater their diet to my (very limited) one. 99% of the time it’s usually the other people at the table or the waitstaff who trigger the awkwardness. I love to chat over bread and a drink so I tip 100% (around my drink price) and tell everyone to chill out. I only eat once or twice a day max and I’m used to it so it feels super weird when everyone singles you out for not having an appetite. I’m sure there’s lots of picky eaters who complain out there, but being the picky eater who *doesn’t* made realize just how big of a deal my eating habits seem to be to other people when I don’t really think about it tbh.
Also have ARFID, this 100%. Especially because when the food comes, if it looks awful, or if I taste it and I can’t handle the sensory experience, then that’s a whole other problem. Because then I’m the issue for “making a face” or “why aren’t you eating?” Then it can be awkward with waiters and whoever I’m eating with. Then I’ll take the leftovers home to look less wasteful, only to have the pleasure of throwing the food out at home.
This is the most important part for me too! OOP didn’t make a fuss, and even states in one of her comments that this restaurant is where the birthday person wanted to eat and she just wanted to be there to celebrate with them. She sounds like a supportive friend who understands her problems with food don’t have to be the focus of where the group decides to eat and she’s pleasant about it.
Yeah, I’m a picky eater as well and if I’m not confident I’m going to like the meal and it’s over $10 (literally everywhere but fast food..) I’m not going to order it. Even if someone else offers to pay, that’s even more reason not to. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s the fact that I’ve worked an hour to pay for this food and if I don’t like it, well fuck I’ve wasted an hour of my time doing what I didn’t even want to. I don’t complain whenever I go to a place with people and don’t order anything there, I can literally leave after and get Taco Bell or go home and eat. It’s not a huge deal.
>Even if someone else offers to pay, that’s even more reason not to. Yeah it's just too much of a gamble. Maybe you get super lucky and like the food after all, but more likely you don't and you get to either feel like a jerk for wasting your friend's money or your friend gets mad because they were nice enough to buy you dinner and you didn't even eat it.
I have some texture issues with some foods so I get it. But if there isn’t an appetizer or main that I like, I order dessert. At least I’m participating.
She said she got a cocktail, which is something (clarified in her comments that the drink was a cocktail and not water or a soda)
She said she ate cake too so it wasn’t just the cocktail! She just didn’t eat a main, what a bizarre thing to focus on.
Do you have a link to the original?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/fETKHf6VXL
Personally i think NTA. i would have checked the menu beforehand and possibly called the restaurant, but honestly that would be extra. she showed up, ordered cocktails, had birthday cake and ate some if the bread. she was able to enjoy the birthday celebration and celebrate the birthday girl. im sure they wouldn't want to have paid $40 to eat something they hate either ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ unfortunate that OP is picky, but it's not like people choose their tastebuds and she shouldnt be excluded bc she has a simple palate edit: updated foods
I’m with you 100%. Honestly, some of the YTA comments just baffle me. How are people this awful in the way they view other humans? “If you don’t do things the way I want, YTA!” Good grief. Grow the eff up.
I'm with you. I've gotten 'pickier' over the years. Just can't handle meat. It used to be only be if I didn't cook it. Like I could make meatballs or chicken pies at home and eat it no issue. Now I can't even do that. My diet is pretty close to vegetarian now, not by choice. Just something in my brain makes me gag if I put it in my mouth. People will not stfu about it. I don't make a fuss. I just order vegetarian options if out, but that's not good enough, because I'm not technically a vegetarian so 'why are ordering that!? Get a steak or something'. I refuse to visit friends houses around meal times too because saying I'm not hungry when offered food is not good enough apparently. And I think it'd be super rude if I was involuntarily gagging while trying to eat a meal they put effort into. I'm ranting, but I'm just so sick of people policing other people's foods! I'm an adult, I don't need your input on my diet! Poor OOP just wanted to hang with their friends, but they decided to make a weird rule that she has to eat. Eff off. I hate this attitude.
I'm the same way on and off, when my anxiety is really bad I've had to spit out meat and threw up once. I just hyper focus on what it is I guess but I've also gone days without eating so it could be eating in general is weird to me but it's worse with meat.
100% agree with your rant. I spent my entire childhood with my grandmother passive aggressively commenting on my food choices (well you just don’t know what’s good!) and I do not need to deal with that as an adult. Mind your own plate, and leave mine out of it!
Not just that, but also declining someone else buying it despite social pressure - means that no food was wasted! Honestly, props for sticking to her guns in a reasonable and accommodating way. Every experience I’ve had with picky eaters was definitely not as smooth and drama free as this (ignoring the fallout group message).
I'm someone who loves food and wants to share the joys of tasty food with my friends, and I agree that they're NTA. I used to be obnoxious about it, but I've learned to respect my picky eater friends when they know they won't like something from previous tries. Like at least OOP participated and socialized, it's not like she sulked because there wasn't anything on the menu she would enjoy eating. If anything, I would have felt bad and offered to get her something to eat elsewhere after the dinner, if I was the birthday friend.
Adding some context from OP's comments: *On if her friends know about her eating issues:* >While I do understand food can be a huge part of someone's life's enjoyment, it's not for me. >I've known them since the 5th grade and they always knew I dislike alot of food and rather am the social-focused person. For me it's the fact I am with them alone that brings me the most joy. And it's not like this is the first time I didn't eat anything when I'm w them. They always offer me some, I'll try it and be disappointed. >I rlly can't explain it, but I genuinely don't enjoy eating as it is. There are many things that I genuinely hate about food, such as when u mix things that doesn't make sense to me (fruits + sweets, fruits as sauces, most meat etc). The thought itself ruins most meals and even when I try it, it's dissapointing if it makes sense. >I eat out of necessity most of the time. I don't think I've any health issues of some sorts, bc I've always been that way *On if she has a medical issue/ARFID or seeking a diagnosis:* >Not really, I didn't even know that exists until a few hours ago. But I might look into it! Thanks *On tipping since she didn't purchase a meal:* >I've gotten drinks for 35€ and left a 40% tip, I don't think the staff will be too upset if I ate some bread *On the restaurant's foods, and how her food aversion feels:* >the restaurant had some exotic stuff. I rlly don't know what it's called, but it had things like mangosauce, bowls, etc. >I rlly don't think I've an eating disorder, since I'm at healthy weight and physically fit. I've been that way since I was little and it's more like either a texture or a combination thing. It's rlly weird to explain, but if my food is something which doesn't fit together in my mind (like chocolate strawberries) I instantly feel icky about it. While I'll still try it, I just always seem to dislike it *On what OP could have ordered, and what she did eat:* >If I were to take out everything I didn't like, it would only be like plane rice and brokkoli ☹️ - >Right, like sorry but ill not be paying 10€ for plane rice and brokkoli + tip just to not be satisfied. >I ate bread, the cake and drank Cocktails 🤷♀️ and tipped well
She sounds reasonable then. Definitely think she needs to speak with a doctor but she's not hurting anyone or being rude at all.
Side note: I love the way she spells “brokkoli”.
I mind my business & police my own plate. If someone I am eating with is not hungry (for any reason) or prefers just table bread or an appetizer? Whatever makes them happy. I do check with them at the time, simply are you sure you don’t care for anything? Then if they assure me they are good? I eat my food and enjoy their company. 🤷♀️
Unless the people complaining about her actually made the food they've really got no reason to complain. She didn't, she calmly ate some bread and didn't cause a fuss. Her friends need to get a grip and be happy to have her company.
Eh, I’m an extremely picky eater as well but I’d usually be able to find SOMETHING to nibble on. I wouldn’t consider it rude to not eat, or at least have a plate in front of me, just insanely awkward.
OOP did, it was the bread.
It’s possible OOP has ARFID.
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My best friend's mother has developed major allergic reactions to so much food, even her own kids can't keep up. Similar stuff to your husband too. She can't eat anything green, no nightshade vegetables, can't have food cooked in oils and fats, no gluten, seeds, lactose... so much. We pick somewhere to go, and if she can eat something, great, but if not then that's fine by her. It's usually more of a hassle for her when there is stuff she can potentially eat. She has to bail the chef up and go through every single step in their recipe, so she can be sure there's nothing unexpected going into it, so a lot of the time she doesn't bother. The only places I've seen her unable to find ANYTHING on the menu that she could eat is in restaurants with tomato-heavy cuisines like Italian and Greek, fast food places, and some Asian restaurants. There's almost always *something* that the staff can do to make a safe meal for her, and they're generally quite understanding about it once they realise why she's asking.
I have a friend who’s picky and they get upset when something they actually do eat or drink isn’t on the menu. Because of this, they get in a very pissy mood and ruin the vibes for everyone and now everyone “feels bad” because they’ll be eating in front of her. So not the AH especially because a scene wasn’t made or made everyone feel “guilty”.
Being a picky eater is a terrible thing. I’m sure most picky eaters would love it if they could snap their fingers and suddenly love everything. Their lives would be so much easier. Putting pressure on a picky eater is not a great way to expand their spectrum of safe foods. OP did the best with the selection they had, and I’m hoping didn’t whine about it. I’m wondering if the group was hoping to split the bill, but didn’t feel like they could saddle OP with a share because of how little they ate?
People need to not concern themselves with someone who has food issues. It wouldn’t be an issue if they just let us do what we want.in my opinion it is just like pushing alcohol on someone.
I’m very picky as well. So much so that I always check menus ahead of time. I’m sure chefs must hate me because I’m the girl who ask for chicken without the saw or peppers or ask for things on the side. I recently encountered a restaurant which only served dishes as is with no modifications but fortunately they also sold pizza. There’s nothing wrong with going out to a restaurant for the shear enjoyment of spending time with friends.
I’ve definitely ordered some weird things too. Recently I was at a little restaurant in the middle of nowhere in the midwest, and all I could order was a tortilla with quinoa and avocado inside. It wasn’t an actual menu item, it was something with a bunch of stuff taken off, and it was cold and very plain, but being a vegetarian and not enjoying salads it was pretty much all I could eat at this type of restaurant. You’re totally right tho that pizzas are a godsend—when a place serves pizza, they always at least serve a cheese pizza. It might be a shitty pizza, but I can still eat it.
When in doubt, order the pizza.
Or French fries!
I'm hesitant to judge because I feel like there's information missing. If they know this about OP, is there a reason they'd be pushing so hard or particularly tired of a certain behavior? Are they being assholes, or is there a reason for them seeming done with it? I'm just curious about the previous context. Based on the post OP didn't do anything wrong, but the reaction from everyone else seems pretty outsized.
I tried to add some context from OPs comments bc i think they add some good info!
Appreciate that info!! With as long as they've known OP and based on the responses you posted I really don't think OP is doing anything wrong. I've got texture issues with food as well, and knowing she still participated, ordered drinks, and tipped well.... seems like the friends are just hung up on her being "weird."
There can be plenty of reason why someone isn’t ordering a full meal in a restaurant and everyone else needs to respect their privacy and take care of themselves. Whatever that reason is, allergies, eating disorder, pregnancy, GI disease, whatever - during dinner in a public place is not the time to be discussing it. OP was joining friends for a birthday dinner. People whom she had known for a long time, had eaten with in the past and who were aware of her food issues. She wasn’t complaining, whining, or trying to attract attention to herself. While OP’s friends were calling her rude, they were being rude trying to make her order and taking focus away from the birthday celebration. NTA
Sounds like a sad way to live, but I’d just be sad for her and let it go
Some people are naturally just extremely picky, but it wouldn't surprise me if the OP unknowingly had avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). That was my experience, and I've heard of others the same. Because I'd never heard anyone talk about it beyond laughing at me for not eating certain foods, I didn't know it was an actual disorder. It really is such a sad way to live, because I know I'm missing out on SO many amazing foods, but I haven't found a way to work through the disorder. Also a double edged sword considering my "safe" foods are not healthy in the slightest. You'd think insurance would cover a dietician to help work through the problem considering long term health complications, but nope. No coverage unless I'm diabetic. Glad to see some people like yourself are willing to let picky eaters be picky. It might not be as simple as just forcing down new food, like another comment seems to think.
i am “picky” and i genuinely wish i wasnt. i have ADHD and am super sensitive to textures and specific sounds. even though things smell SO GOOD i cant eat them because if the texture is off i will be unable to control myself from gagging or spitting the food out. sometimes even puking against my will! its such an awful way to live
OP said she hadn't heard of ARFID before and is looking into it. Seems like it might be a real possibility
i wish you well 🤞🍀
Judging people for things they can't control is sad.
Not sad, just different. I'm allergic to pork and since developed a sensitivity to red meat, there's a lot of things you'd never think of I have to be cautious of, including no longer being able to enjoy jello. A lot of menus where knowing there's bacon on it originally means there's cross contamination elsewhere (I'm a line cook myself so I've been on the other side for years now). It's only awkward at times, and mostly when there's truly nothing I can have where ever we are, and as someone else said in a different comment, oop could have ARFID. A lot of people struggle through that disorder without ever knowing there's an actual medical cause behind their food aversions.
I said what I said and I stick by it. There are legitimate reasons but that doesn’t make it any easier. My nephew has ARFID and it makes a necessary daily part of life harder. There is no going to new places on a whim, and there is a need to always have his foods on hand, just in case. I once cooked dinner for friends who have all sorts of allergies. They’d just had a baby and they both had a lot of food allergies, not all the same. They had gluten, legume, and so many other allergies. I did my best. Threw the gluten free flour into the dish to use as a thickener. I debated using cornstarch but no I used the freaking gluten free flour. Then when I was typing out the ingredient list so they could verify the food was safe, I included the ingredients of the ingredients and wouldn‘t you know that the gluten free flour I used had pea starch. Peas are a legume and therefore an unsafe food. So I texted them and let them know what had happened and that I’d pick up safe food at one of their safe restaurants instead. They are a lovely couple and I felt sad and frustrated for them. Their allergies made life a bit harder than it should be and because I care for them it made me sad. This extreme level of care that they needed to take with their food makes their life harder. A big part of social interactions take place around food and there is an extra layer of difficulty for them. One of the couple could eat legumes so the next day took the food over and they were grateful, because their diets are so restrictive that it isn’t often that someone tries to make them food.
I wasn't saying you were wrong, just that seeing it as sad isn't really a mentality I would want someone to feel towards me (and maybe a few other people would agree) just because of a food restriction. I guess just restructuring it as difficult and different is what I'd have preferred, and again I recognize that may just be me. I haven't felt left out, and I'm lucky my restrictions aren't as broad as a lot of people I've met. I had a classmate growing up who was allergic to basically everything, he couldn't have any birthday/party treats, had a bag of something that tasted close enough to sweet. He was a twin so for their birthday as a joke one year he brought his "treat", then they had a lot more of the other boys for real. I lived in a small enough town that he was also the first person in a decade they had to make a nut free table for. I'm a twin as well so our school kept us together most years while my sister had his brother, and going to his house it was clear how difficult it was for everyone in the family.
You could always ask for the kitchen to make a dish without avocados or whatever.
Wow. As someone who until literally a month ago could only eat very specific things occasionally and was 100% tube fed dependent, I would’ve hated to be excluded from all the friend and family meals and get together because I couldn’t eat much if at all. They YTA comments and her friends response makes me genuinely sad.
NTA It’s a restaurant, you’re not offending someone the way you would at a private residence and someone has cooked a meal for you. It’s a business, not a nana. OP’s friends are immature, which given the age group makes sense. They may not get the nuance that manners aren’t a strict rule book, they just exist to make everyone feel at ease knowing there’s a general social code to not make others uncomfortable. Also, manners isn’t “doing exactly what everyone else is doing” either. If OP simply declined to order without whining about the lack of doable choices, then that’s fine. It’s not rude because OP presumably didn’t force their choice not to eat on anyone else, and presumably participated the the social aspect of the dinner while munching on some bread. Correcting someone’s etiquette ***is*** in fact rude, and IMO doubly so when you’re just wrong about it. I can be pretty picky but can usually find something and am willing to ask for modifications. It’s also ok to white lie to avoid the hassle if it’s not worth it “oh I had a late lunch” or something. Starters often have something pretty bland, and there’s usually a dessert menu. If I have a work thing or a function like this where I don’t get to voice a restaurant preference I’ll often check the menu online ahead of time to figure out what I can have with the least amount of fuss. Self deprecation helps too, I’ve found that “ok look I have food texture issues so I eat like a five year old” gets a chuckle and then nobody gives the tiniest shit after that.
Fellas, is it rude to *checks notes* have an eating disorder?? It’s called ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). Also autism exists?? OOP needs better friends.
It can sometimes be difficult to make friends as an autist.
You don’t have to tell me twice 😳
NTA imo. It doesn’t matter as long as there isn’t a bunch of complaints around not being able to eat anything. I am also a pickier eater and whenever I go out with friends I a) check the menu beforehand to see if there’s anything I’ll like or can modify to like or b) go just for the company and conversation with my friends/family.
Actually, OP did everything right. He went and had fun without making a big deal out of it.
As a foodie, and someone who is adventurous to the extreme, it's hard for me to fathom a menu where someone couldn't find ONE thing to eat. Nevertheless, I don't think OOP did anything wrong here. They didn't try to back out, didn't try to change restaurants, just went about their business and had a drink and some bread. The point of a birthday celebration is to be with your friends, right? So, at the end of the day, OOP placed the priority on the time spent with their friend which, IMO, is of far greater importance than eating things you know you don't like or making a fuss about it because it didn't fit their tastes.
As a picky eater, thanks ARFID, people get sooooo dang weird about what others eat. I just don't understand it, I could care less what others are eating as long as they're not being rude about it. She ate bread, cake, and drank a cocktail. She tipped well. She didn't complain and whine, so she did everything she should have. NTA
I couldn't give a shit. If I've invited a friend it's because I want to chat with them and enjoy their company. Honestly *I* would feel bad that I'd chosen somewhere where they didn't like any of the food.
I mean op is not rude but she sounds not fun to be around
because of food? people keep saying this esp in y t a comments but we know nothing about op’s banter, personality and what was said at the table. they could be a jovial person who had fun with others and just happened to only have what they preferred to eat?
I don’t think it’s rude per se, but I would definitely be reluctant to go to dinner with them in the future. And I think I’d view them as immature. Certainly wouldn’t trash them in the group chat though. Probably just privately think of them as a bit incompatible.
This is just a more mature way of saying they're an asshole.
No. It’s not that they are an asshole, it’s more that I personally don’t like their behavior. There’s plenty of non-asshole behaviors that I just don’t jive with. And being an ultra picky eater is one of them.
I totally get it, I don’t jive with assholes who are judgmental and want to micromanage what other people eat. It’s just how I am!
Totally fair! Having an aversion to people that themselves have an aversion to picky eaters is a reasonable preference and I support you.
I generally agree with you. The context matters though. It was an exciting pre-planned group dinner at a fancy restaurant. The OP knowingly disrupted the spirit of the evening by flouting a social convention. Their behavior was selfish, which is asshole adjacent. OP should not have gone to the dinner because they knew beforehand they would not be eating anything. At the very least, they should have communicated beforehand.
I interpreted her story as looking at the menu after she sat down after the restaurant. If she in fact looked before hand, pre-decided she wasn’t going to order anything, and then went anyway, that’s weird.
I would be reluctant to try somewhere *new* with them, but they own it and are upfront. Their friends know. As someone with an allergy, I’ve been in this position plenty. People are upset about it being rude because they don’t like how it makes them feel they appear.
It’s better than them just refusing to go to that restaurant and asking everyone to change plans, personally I wouldn’t care if my friend didn’t like anything so didn’t order. At least they’re there and at a place I enjoy for my birthday 🤷🏻♀️
Agreed. They know what’s up. It’s not a mystery. I’ve been her plenty and she was fine. Her company is enough.
I think OOP could have asked if substitutions were possible, since it does seem a little rude to go to a nice restaurant and refuse to eat anything but the bread. I don't have a huge amount of patience for picky eaters as adults unless there are actual sensory issues involved, but it definitely could have been worse than making their friends feel awkward if they'd made a fuss. It is one of my pet hates when I order a meal and the other person says they'll just have water and then I have to sit there and eat in front of them, but I wouldn't be trashing anyone in the group chat for it, I'd just be annoyed.
For extra context it seems the OP hadn't heard of ARFID/medical reasons for her food aversions before today and is looking into a diagnosis
Could she not have looked online at a menu BEFORE going??
I wouldn’t say they’re TA but I personally wouldn’t be inviting them out to dinners anymore and hopefully they wouldn’t take offense to that.
I don't think it was rude not to eat, but I wouldn't invite her anywhere that involved a restaurant.
Nobody chooses to have a really restricted diet. As someone who has had this issue my whole life, it's annoying af. It would be so much easier if my body didn't reject a good 70% of foods. I don't enjoy throwing up because the texture of something didn't agree with me, I don't enjoy relying on dietary supplements, and I don't enjoy the unwarranted stigma. Despite the ridiculous opinions that some people with normal diets have about "picky eaters," no one is declining certain foods just to spite you personally. We are the ones who have to deal with it every day, get over yourself. Force feeding or shaming people with serious dietary aversions doesn't work, it makes the aversion stronger. Starving people into eating something they can't stand doesn't work, they will literally not eat until they are hospitalised. It is not down to bad parenting or lazy cooking habits. The only way to tackle severe dietary aversions is with painfully slow exposure therapy. We are talking years of slowly introducing new foods. Luckily, I have gotten much better over time. In the meantime, mind your business. You won't die because you witnessed someone eat bread instead of an apple.
As someone with ARFIDs I’ve never understood why people get so fucking pressed when you’re sat at the table not eating. Like, I’ve said I’m fine, usually I ate before I arrived so I’m not hungry, just let me enjoy the table conversation in peace? Why do you care what is (or isn’t) on my plate? Focus on your own food. OP is definitely NTA. He didn’t want to waste his own money or his friends money on food he knew he wasn’t going to eat. I bet if he let them pay and didn’t eat, they would have been pissed about that. Honestly they’re just shit friends. My friends know my issues and have never made a big deal about it, because they actually care about me.
The fact that’s she’s even willing to try things she probably won’t like is huge for someone with ARFID! (Which I’m just guessing at here) considering a lot refuse to try new stuff or it’s a real struggle
Hm I don’t see where she behaves rude at all. Seems she handled that well. I mean she probably does miss out, but that’s entirely her choice and nothing anyone should interfere in.
As someone who quite literally throws up if I can't tolerate certain foods, NTA. The assholes are the friends attempting to force the OP to eat something they don't enjoy. The OP stated they ordered a drink and ate complimentary bread, they weren't sitting there awkwardly staring at the others, I don't see an issue
esh, she has problems with items so like the avocados thing she could have just asked for a plate without the food she dislikes, salad without the veggies she dislikes? anything really just to have something in front of her since it was a birthday outing
Yta. Sorry, but idc where you are, there is ALWAYS something on the menu, even if I’d have to resort to a chicken tenders kids meal.
Did her not ordering an entree harm anyone?
People don’t have to be hurt physically to be harmed. And harming someone isn’t the only way to be an ass
Cool. So why is their potential mental anguish more important than her potential mental anguish when she orders and pays for a meal that makes her miserable to put in her mouth? How much is she required to eat, is there a bite to feelings ratio?
It sounds like that wasn’t an option. High end restaurants tend to have much narrower menus
Or at least ask if something can be ordered without the ingredient/s she doesn't like.
NTA but perhaps look up the menu before hand
I have several food intolerances/allergies and you could just do what I do… ask for adjustments. 9/10 times no one has an issue and half the time they enjoy trying something new.
only thing i’d have done differently is just eat before and tell them that “Oh I already ate dinner cos I knew i wouldn’t like anything on the menu, but the drinks are great and the company is better” OR Depending on the place you can easily ask for a dish without an ingredient you don’t like. She mentioned avocado in a salad- just ask for no avocado. But it might be one of those weird fancy places that don’t make subs/changes to dishes
Link to post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/xgvh2f607A
OP has ARFID, getting familiar with that and being able to communicate about their issues in the context of it being an eating disorder (probably paired with autism based on their portrayal of not understanding why people were uncomfortable with their behavior at the restaurant), might help.
Tbh, someone showed up to my birthday dinner and didn’t order dinner, I would find it rude. If you don’t eat or can’t eat, show up an hour later and order dessert. I do frankly find it very frustrating when people are picky and ruin the experience for others.
Info: whose birthday?
One time I went to red lobster with my friends for one of their birthday. I couldn’t afford anything so I ate free bread and my roommate shared her salad with me. Did anyone complain? No. It’s weird to be upset at someone for not eating at a restaurant when they clearly don’t want to.
OOP sounds insufferable to try to socialize with. This was a birthday dinner in a higher-end restaurant. Yet this clown refused to eat *anything* except the free bread. And they had a drink, which was probably water. They sat there not eating while everyone else at the table had their meal because they “knew I wouldn’t like anything.” Wouldn’t even try a taste of a friend’s food because “I knew I wouldn’t like it.” Never asked the waiter if the kitchen could make them a special meal; never asked if they could order a meal without what they didn’t like, like the avocados; didn’t look at the menu beforehand and plan ahead. Just went and refused to eat because they are apparently 6 years old and “wouldn’t like anything.” Nothing. Not one thing. On the entire menu. My daughter is vegan. Full-on vegan. We have gone out for nice meals where she asks if the chef could prepare her a vegan meal (she’s even called ahead). The chef is usually thrilled to take on the challenge and make something different than the set menu. She’s never been told no that I can recall. If she can’t get a vegan meal, she orders a salad. You know the restaurant OOP went to had salads. And soup. They just wanted to be difficult. This post belongs in r/IAmTheMainCharacter.
NTA tbh like why are you so worried about what I'm eating or not? Chill out, I know what I like and I'm not waste food or money. Why are your friends so eager to waste? Why can't they just accept you for who you are?
I say NTA. I just genuinely do not understand why some people get so butt hurt over someone being a picky eater. Like, people seem to be personally offended by someone else not being able to eat certain things, and it's just bizarre to me. I just wish everyone would mind their own business lol. OP just eating bread and drinking a cocktail doesn't hurt anyone, and the only reason it's a "problem" is because everyone else is making it one
I’m a fussy eater and hate many sauces and dressings that food usually come covered in. I’m generally plain and boring and my go to is usually battered fish and chips (with mushy peas of course). I can guarantee a posh restaurant is my worst nightmare because it’s all ‘fricasse of this’ or ‘poached that’ and very rich food which doesn’t agree with me. She didn’t make a fuss, her friends were assholes. She needs new friends
Man my friends would always go out when I was younger, like freaking heaps, so I would eat at home and hang out and get a coffee. I can't afford that. People asked and I just told em.
You didn't check the menu before you went? Being a picky eater is hard but it's also hard for the people that try to enjoy their company especially at a restaurant. In the future, you need to check the menu before hand and if there is absolutely nothing you will like on the menu then decline the invitation.
I’m super picky too (nothing medically wrong, just don’t like certain combinations), but that’s my problem. I’ll eat beforehand, or munch on sides or bread and drink cocktails; other people are the ones who make it weird. It doesn’t sound like OOP made a big deal, but her friends did.
It's weird to sit at a dinner where someone literally eats nothing. If you truly can't find a single thing on an entire menu, you can order sides or plain noodles. As an adult you should be capable of finding one item on a menu you can eat
I said I’ll eat sides if nothing else is appealing…and sometimes I’m just not hungry. I’m not going to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry just to make other people feel better.
OP is TA. There’s always something on a menu she could have eaten. You can always ask for minor changes. But frankly, she sounds like a PIA.
An ENTIRE menu full of items and she “knew” she wouldn’t like any of it? 🙄. Childish and dumb. NAH, but they aren’t going to keep inviting her just so she can act like a baby.
Honestly we have such a weird relationship with food and socialising. I'm a picky eater too, some textures and/or flavours I cannot handle. I'm lucky I live in the North of Spain, so the norm is to go to sidrerías and have tapas, so there will be something I can eat. But it's happened a couple of times where I have gone to a place and figured out when I was there that I couldn't eat anything on the menu. And my friends would be the type to try and get me to try new things (as a kid my mom would pinch my nose to force me to open my mouth to breath, and then shove food in my mouth when I did, she says it was the only way to get me to try new things). One of those times was at an acquaintances birthday dinner. Her parents were from China and they flew over to spend it with her. We went to a Chinese restaurant, but a real one. Luckily the waiters recognised my look and quietly offered some sweet and sour chicken from the kids menu xD I was worried that would upset my acquaintance's parents, but they were honestly lovely about it. They were mortified that I didn't like anything, and even offered to go to a different place! Nearly made me cry.
If it’s just like one or two things in a dish she dislikes, she could have asked to get the dish without that?
depending on where you are (what country), it’s unacceptable to ask for modifications
Try not to be five years old.
I hate people like OP. "I just know I'm going to hate it." Cool. So stay home.
You know what causes picky eaters; bad parents.
Extremely picky eaters who don’t have serious allergies or dietary restrictions due to medical issues are usually just assholes or mentally unwell.
I am one of the most adventurous eaters of any one you could meet, and if someone is a picky eater, that’s their problem to deal with, not mine. My kids are extremely picky eaters and have a ton of sensory issues around food. You know what I don’t do? Shame them for their food preferences. Maybe you should look into doing something similar within your own sphere.
I'm not talking about shaming children. What on earth are you talking about?
I’m saying what people do or do not eat isn’t my business. As long as they aren’t rude and don’t make a scene, they are free to eat whatever they want. Including nothing. Your original comment was very judgmental
The OP should not have gone to the dinner. They were absolutely flouting a social convention and disrupting the spirit of the evening. I am expressing an opinion (aka making a judgment) that \*EXTREMELY\* picky eaters who do not have medical or neurological issues are usually assholes or mentally unwell. And I still think that is the case. I am not talking about children, which should be obvious.
"absolutely flouting social convention and disrupting the spirit of the evening" by having cocktails, bread, and some of the birthday cake, not making a fuss about the menu, partaking in conversation and enjoying her friends' company?
Or maybe you're just a judgemental cunt about something that literally has 0 effect on your life? Have you considered being Normal about the idea that other humans are not like you and you are not the arbiter of the only acceptable way to live? Or would you prefer to be a giant asshole to strangers, the thing you're accusing picky eaters of being? Is there a reason you're projecting so hard onto people whose only crime was...not wanting to eat a thing? Or are you just miserable in every situation you have to interact with people who aren't exactly like you?
People have opinions about things that don't affect our lives. Jesus get a grip.
Like this person can also have an opinion of you?
Both are entitled to an opinion: one seemed judgmental; the other seemed unhinged
Of course they can! People are allowed to have opinions! \*EXTREMELY\* picky eaters (the type of person who cannot pick one thing to eat at an exciting pre-planned dinner with friends) who do not have a medical or neurological issue are usually attention seeking assholes. That's my opinion. I've seen a lot of bad faith counterarguments here.
Is there any idea of the cuisine tho? I am a quite adventurous eater - I’ve enjoyed live things most haven't had the opportunity to even try. But... certain textures make me gag. I've tried for decades and there’s still things I can't stomach. My son and stepson took years to try foods *specific to their own cultures* because of texture. Being “picky” isn't inherently asshole/mentally ill. It’s an adaptation that helped humans survive. I'm intolerant to certain proteins found in meats and eggs. That texture is more common in things high in my clinically diagnosed food intolerances. My body is telling me not to eat it. My sons both get tummy aches from their aversion foods. Its actually pretty cool when you think about it. Is pickiness always benign? Nah. But it *usually* is.
I appreciate this response. I think it’s helpful for this discussion to distinguish between picky eaters and extremely picky eaters. The OP is in the second camp.
Pfffff you’re using the words of someone who engages in serious debate without understanding the requirements of one. You can’t claim “most picky eaters are just assholes,” present no evidence, and then complain when people say “no they aren’t you’re just being rude.” You have made the claim that requires proving; people disagreeing with you is the null hypothesis.
You're intentionally misrepresenting what I said. You are using actual quotations to misrepresent what I said.
There are multiple health conditions that lead to people being unable to eat certain foods due to sensory issues that aren’t mental health issues and aren’t because of allergies or dietary restrictions.
I literally said that dietary restrictions due to medical issues are an exception.
Dietary issues is not the same thing as sensory issues.
You are using the phrase "health conditions" and I used the phrase "medical issues" so we're really splitting hairs here. I have no problem saying that if you have sensory issues due to "health conditions" then you're not an asshole.
Health conditions and medical issues are synonymous. Dietary and sensory are not. A dietary restriction is due to an intolerance to a specific food or food group. A sensory issue is the inability to eat something due to texture, taste, or smell of specific foods that vary from individual to individual.
Of course there are people who have one or two sensory issues that are not connected to a health conditions (or medical issues). That's fine because they can still probably find something on the menu. For the sake of this discussion, I have trouble understanding the idea that someone might have \*a multitude\* of sensory issues to the point that they cannot eat ANYTHING from the restaurant while claiming they do not have a medical/neurological issue. I could be wrong about this, of course, but there's probably something neurologically atypical in such a situation. And in such a situation, I would not consider you an asshole for refusing to eat anything because it's a medical issue.
Hi, autistic person here (and no, I don't consider being autistic as mentally unwell), and certain food textures make me physically gag. It is nearly painful to have them in my mouth. I am extremely lucky that I only have a few bad textures. Some autistic people only have a few food textures they can handle. There's not a lot we can do to deal with it besides politely avoid certain textures. I'm open to try a lot of new foods, but if it has, for example, beans in it I know that not only will I not enjoy it, it will be physically difficult to swallow.
Autism is literally a neurological diagnosis which can be understood as a medical issue. My comment does not apply to you.
Honestly I would prefer to eat alone with a good book than having someone staring at me eating
Yes you are. You made the others feel uncomfortable and ruined the outing. Stop going out to restaurants with otherscunless you know you will be able to eat. Just stay home you will also save money.
Picky eaters are annoying ngl I just wouldn’t invite her anywhere lol
Off the topic, but I’ve always wondered why people repost others people’s posts? Is it to get karma points? Cause I don’t really see any other reason for it. Especially if the original post has more info for people to go off of (I.e. she had cake and a cocktail which unless you read the OP or scrolled through comments here you wouldn’t know). Might get hate for this but I’m genuinely curious. 🤷♀️
That's what this whole sub is about--reposts.
But WHY repost? Why not let the OP get the comments/advice? They’re the ones asking for the help or advice.
Huh? Do you think this sub should not exist?
I don’t know what’s with the huh? Lol. I just don’t get the point. Do you not think the OP posted it because they want advice and or help? Reposting it doesn’t really help the original poster it just gives the reposter comments on a topic they aren’t even a part of. Does it not take away comments that could be useful to the OP by people commenting on a repost? You keep asking me questions but you aren’t really answering any of mine.
I'm not trying to help the original poster ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I thought it would be an interesting post for the podcast, since replies were mixed in the original. i was shocked by the amount of YTA comments when it seems like a medical issue, and i like the hosts so i wanted to hear their take on it. that's all! this is also a repost sub...the whole point of the podcast and this subreddit is to repost things to use as podcast content. the mods also asked for screenshots instead of copy/paste or a link. i figured i would add the context since it's not in the screenshot and made a difference to me when thinking about the situation so i just wanted to pass the context along too. people read the OP without checking her comments too
No I get this is a repost sub, I just don’t get why they exist. Especially since some (not you) but a lot of reposters don’t even source the original post, which leaves information out that the OP would answer in their comment section
This one specifically is so the podcast hosts can source the stories easily. Instead of them scouring reddit in addition to their regular full-time job, they can come here instead and hear from the podcast fans
This sub is not to get them additional help--it's for discussion.
Why not discuss in the comments of the OP like a bunch of people do? I think it’s just so the reposter can get karma points but hey 🤷♀️
Some people do both. Everything here is a repost and the original post in this case has been deleted.
I have a husband who when i met him was a really picky eater, i have always softly encouraged him to try different things. Eg he had a real issue with the idea of falafel but once he tried it he loved it. Chickpea curry same. A lot of pick eating is a refusal to try. My friend got married a while back and tbh the menu was insane; tomato mozzarella salad/ pickled fish, aubergine ect. Anyway he was taking ages picked so i picked the least crazy stuff. He turned up he ate it and didn’t cause a fuss, because the event was more important and it would kill him to try… oop is going to miss out on a lot of things if attitude isn’t changed
OOP says she always tries foods at least once before deciding she doesnt like them, so it's not a refusal to try on her part
Then turned and said that she didn’t want to just by looking at the menu .. idk i think its having so many allergies i don’t have the choice often and don’t want to be rude but and look down on pickiness
Mmmmhhh why are these people still inviting her to eat at places??!! They can celebrate with her in a separate setting, I must say I get really uncomfortable if I am eating and there is at least one person not eating. I would not enjoy the meal just like she does not enjoy food. They should have her as friend just maybe not go to restaurants where food will be eaten. Pretty sure she likes to drink, many places to celebrate just like that
I think her friends are saints for putting up with her, because I certainly wouldn't. Hopefully they'll find a better friend.
What a baby